#i genuinely dont know how i am going to live like this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

frannziska · 1 year

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yesterday my mom called and asked if i was depressed again cause she was worried abt me and i said no cause i thought ive been doing well but as soon as we hung up i thought about it and realized i may just be barely getting by and pretending things are better than they are

#i really think i am too disabled for a full time job it is eating away at me #wake up cook breakfast go to work cook lunch go back to work cook dinner #spend 5 hours lying extremely still so that the existential dread doesnt catch up to you #the last time i had a full time job and not just part time i ended up having anxiety attacks multiple times a day even months after i quit #i genuinely dont know how i am going to live like this #negative

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angelpuns · 4 months

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Raughhh I'm fine rn but frustrating to think that I haven't been able to like - just relax and enjoy things lately cause I'm too busy overthinking and having a constant anxiety attack ( exaggeration ) about nothing

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anarchist-aquarius · 4 days

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❗❗❗✨✨✨LIFEHACK!!!!!!✨✨✨❗❗❗

no one can embarrass me if i embarrass myself first <3

-me, every day of my life

#lifehack #quotes #im going insane can you tell #im trying to figure out if im ace or if i just dont want to read smut and find the concept of sex disgusting #wtf #possible asexual #i have no clue wtf im doing #literally what the fuck #tags are weird #idk yall #like how do asexuals know theyre ace cuz like idk if i just dont wanna is a good excuse in a relationship #and idk if like someone I'm with wont live me just cuz i dont wanna have sex #sry guys #also no disrespect im genuinely asking how i know if im ace or not cuz i think i am but i don't know

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9x07 · 2 months

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how many times do we need to learn as people that irony and hyperbole can be harmful because 'jokes' aren't easily distinguished from genuine thoughts and feelings until we stop rewarding people for speaking or posting about violence

like even if you're joking/don't actually believe that/think whoever you are insulting is bad/immoral/fictional therefore deserves it - ad hominem attacks always do more harm to the people who share those characteristic then the individual you intend to cause harm to or discredit

#discourse #long post #its genuinely erased so much of my enjoyment of 911blr knowing i have to check accounts or risk seeing bullying/hate #l like its an odd feeling to know that so many people in the same fandom as you actively hold hate or find hate funny against your communit #like tired of people saying others are too sensitive because we dont want to hear or see a person say they want to hurt themself or others #like sorry i put in the work everyday to not let my mental health backslide and to enjoying being alive and accept my queerness #while others seemingly have not #and i know the content i post/share is not all in the same circles as that certain blog and i hate that it still grinds my gears but #its so frustrating to see the cruel glee people have #saying things they would never say to anyone's face irl and only to other blindly devoted/similar bullies #like do these people realise that they are on a razor's edge between 'ironic jokes' and just outright bigotry and threats - like do they #literally the only thing seperating That and conservative bigots is that the bigots are honest about their hatred towards minorities #like a lot of people in the fandom seemingly still need to deal with a lot of intenalised homophobia/racism and just outright hate-#especially regarding queer men and men of colour #because i can not be emphasise enough #It is NOT GOOD OR HEALTHY to be a fully grown adult that actively derives joy from the idea of enacting hate crimes #like you can hate tommy you can want him off the show even want him to die like weird but go off #but its such a next step to unprompted talk about [a character i dislike/hate/dont ship/disrupts my fanon endgame] in derogatory ways -#with rhetoric that straight up is out of terf/rel. right/homophobic/racists bigots and evokes violent hate-crimes......#well i feel sorry for those people cause what a miserable life to spend so much of it unable to enjoy your own life that you target others #anyways I know this is too long but I'm just a very tired man who has studied history and education and working with kids i have seen it -#too many times- harmful words coming from harmful environments or creating harmful actions and thereby perpetuating the cycle of violence #also not super relavent but as Latino Australian i am genuinely appauled at how many people have in their bio they are also Australian-#while actively liking/reblogging and engaging with post that find homophobic violence a funny haha joke - as if activist in our country -#aren't actively trying to dismantle homophobic and transphobic laws regarding issues like conversion therapy #like I know professors that actively got fired for being gay while teaching in religious education context - and its still happening!#so for people to forget so quickly what progress has been made and how much it took and how easy it is to loose - disappointing #(and its the same people who wanna pretend mardi gras is nothing but a party as if 78rs didn't risk their jobs/safety/lives)

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spacejammie-eimmajecaps · 4 months

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Had a doctor tell me quite sincerely this morning that my "life seems miserable" because of my health problems and it immediately made me think of the damn bitch you live like this meme

#like i cant stop thinking about it #he wasnt even the doctor i was there to see #the nurse called him in because my heart rate was high and it scared her #but like thats just a normal flare day for me #so anyway this guy i dont even know comes barging into the room to listen to my heart and ask about my symptoms etc #and then he says that its not sustainable to live like this and how i must be miserable #and im just like lol okay like tell me something i dont know #oh and when i told him i usually get through flares by staying in bed for a day or two #his response was to say how that would make going on vacation hard because i might end up having to be bedridden for part of it #and like #first of all #im too broke for vacations lol #second of all #i can barely leave the house bc of my health so what vacations would i even be attempting #idk like he did seem genuinely concerned #but i was honestly not in the mood to hear all that #like i was (and still am) feeling extremely unwell #i just wanted to go home #did not need or want the pity of some random doctor

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bunnihearted · 3 months

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#no but i actually hate that i made this blog to vent freely bc i have no other place to talk abt anything or my feelings or thoughts #and im a very isolated person and a shut in and i dont have a job or go to school successfully and i dont know anyone #like blah blah. i have struggled and im drowning in them all. like why the fuck cant ppl just comprehend that we all have different views o #life and the world? like 'wallowing' is .. i have heavy anxiety which is completely untreated and it gives me real bad suicidal ideation #if me complaining on a blog that im btw not forcing anyone to read helps me to stay alive and get my pain out... why does that matter to #other ppl?????? like why does other ppl get so mad seeing someone they dont know vent??#also this goes for everyone but u can literally have no idea abt all of a person's life #esp on here where all u see is like my text posts where i vent abt how i FEEL. bc i want to. ??? i want to do that so i do #u dont know the context u dont know my experiences or what has happened in my life or context #u dont know what has transpired between me and other ppl i vent abt #like u know fuck all. u dont have the right to pass judgement onto a stranger that doesnt even know u exist #and even if i complain on here bc i dont have a real life but i want to #u have no idea what im doing with the rest of my time???? im making lists im trying to look up info abt school and programs #im trying to read abt my mental health issues and im doing mindfulness and im going to the gym #i am trying!!! and u dont have any idea what i do or how i try and u dont have any right to judge me bc all u see is one part that is me #complaining bc this is what i use this blog for. genuinely i do not get why this is even a big deal or why anyone would follow or read smth #makes them irritated???????#idk.. i dont wanna disable anons and stuff (bc funnily enough no one ever says this stuff with their url 🤨) bc i dont wanna miss out on the #stuff but it is infuriating that i have nowhere to go no friends no therapist etc etc to talk #and this is all i have bc i want to vent !!!!!!! and then i have to be like ok now other ppl i dont even know #and who dont actually give a fuck abt me are gonna judge me and tell me im living incorrectly #and ive never gotten more such things than now? why do y'all hate that i vent abt losing out on my 1st love #and feeling heartbroken?????? what the fuck? that has nothing to do with anyone else but me? like genuinely wtf #i just wanna vent bc i feel like im drowning but now i feel like i cant bc ppl just judge and like ugh

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softshuji · 5 months

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Any men out there wanna pretend to be my bf to get my parents off my case about marriage? I am so so serious right now.

#my mom gave me a really really lonf lecture and upset me because her and my dad want me to start thinking about settling down ans getting #married. again. cos this comes up all the time. ans I reiterated that i do wanna marry and have kids. i know im 26 years old why do they'#think im also not aware of this??? like i suddenly forgot my own age and have my head in the clouds all the time. and i got so heated cos i #said they only believe in that in theory. in reality neither of them have accepted the idea od my leaving home or the idea of mw being with #a man. and they start freaking out if they even find out i talk to them so to say they want me to get married is so fucking naive #ans when i mentioned this and that they're more than ok w mt brothers talking tp women she said that if i wanted to settle down she could #talk to dad and they could “go about finding someone for me” and I've never been so pissed #i got so upset. why does everyone keep saying this to me. as if anyone my dad knows could ever be a half decent man #and the truth is they don't care if im in a happy marriage they've accepted that i won't be they only care that im gone and saving face in #front of family. that's all. it's always reputation it's always “what will people say?”#not once did love come up. not once did shw even imply that i should marryfor love #or that they hope i love someone and marry them. because they're more happy with the idea of me marrying for the sake of it than #they are at the idea of me finding genuine lovw #im not a fucking broodmare im not here to push out babies for the sake od reputation.#and then i said nor being married isn't the end of the world and she said “it's important that you settle down”#and i said im unwavering in my principles. she can call mw high maintenance like she loves doing but I'm not wavering on the #kind of man i want to be with and when i do marry him i want it to bw genuine. because be loves me and vice versa not because im ticking off #somethin from a damn checklist to appease them. and if being unwavering on my principles means staying unmarried then so be it.#my obligations are to god and myself and that's it #and y'know what??? i am in love with a boy already #and yet they don't care that i wanna be in love at all. no im just a puppet to follow a certain narrative in life live according to evergone #else has and that's it.#im done.#and then she tried to apologise by getting me a slice of cake and that somehow made me feel worse.#i dont want an apology. i want to be heard and actually listened to for once. i want someone to ask what i want. to actually give a shit #and love me cos it's me. not cos im some thing to further an agenda. or some toy or puppet that does your bidding.#is it so much??? to just want to be loved in return? to marry and live according to how i want to?? ans not want anyone to make these #decision's for me?#ruined my whole day.

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fantastic-mr-corvid · 3 months

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last years pride i had a sexuality crisis and this year a few days later im having a gender one. fuck.

#i was shaking celia/muro for what tf their gender is and all i got was #“its almost impossible to see who you are separate from how peoples perceptions feel and how they link to the systems that govern our lives #yay thanks as if i didn't already know that how femininity is punished has shaped me as constantly presenting masculine #maybe i am just a coward whos pretending to be trans to escape the awfulness that comes with being feminine #I DONT KNOW ANYMORE #i hate being seen as female but i only feel better when seen as a man- not truly happy #but its not like im ever seen as a real one #i enjoy pride because then my gender and presentation are just *queer* and i dont need to worry about boxes #i just want to be me!#this whole gender thing can kinda suck #im crow! thats all that should fucking matter!#not whatever box people try and fit me in #i guess i just gotta be used to not fitting into any box or label and having imposter syndrome for the only one that does: transgender #idk i kinda want to be in a box but it always ends up distressing me whenever i try #sorry to put this on peoples dashes #i just dont know and its stressing me out #im not a woman and i am more comfortable being seen as a man but thats *comfort* not really genuine joy #im a not-woman #i dont fucking know!!#i need to stop trying to figure it out bc of how distressing it is but here i go again...

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tpup · 26 days

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she told me i remind her of her ex, and that makes her feel protective of me. she tilted her head like a curious dog when she said that.

i wasn't sure how to word a prying question about it. i said I feel guilty when people do things for me because i don't have something to give in return. she said that was a strange way for me to have responded.

#woof woof #txtp #she makes me think so much #I want to be good. I want to be so good I want pure intentions and I think that want in itself is a bit dishonest #I'll go journal in my journal.#I think she knows I'd fuck her and even if she would be down for that it really feels like she is nurturing a different relative than that #both because im obviously a hungry void taking as much older tgirl love as i can as some mommy-ex wound bandaid combo #and she's genuinely concerned about me and being a sort of guiding presence is more important to her than wtv she'd get from hooking up #so i haven't hit on her. I let her know she's gorgeous af and is an angel but it's not as a move or to goad her on etc #we're both homeless and she's given me really good insight into how to live like this #she walks me back to wherever im headed when we're alone. which is both so appreciated but feels too sacrificial #it's a dangerous area. I don't want to be alone. but then she has to walk where she's going alone? no easy solution #she's like 30. this is a pattern. im fwb/ kind of dating two 30 y.o. trans women. i wasn't even seeking that out #in particular it's just unfolded this way from me following what feels good. but it's like. i am examining this #bc i don't want to be using people for some subconscious need and 3 for 3 is kinda red flag territory #i feel so used and spat out by my ex and the ppl who chose to be involved w me know im in a fucked up place. I dont want to repeat the cycl #of wtv tf the ex was doing when she “led me on” for years #I want my intentions and motives to be clear to me. So I don't make people I care about feel used or worse off for knowing me

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arundolyn · 1 month

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kamala literally calls herself 'top cop'. are you serious with that post? she has a history of EXTENDING sentences for drug charges, especially black men?? you can just google 'kamala harris top cop' or 'kamala harris sentence extensions', she is very public and proud with this stuff

you see how this is kinda just proving the exact point i was making in those tags about either side only seeing what they want to right

#no i dont know how her fucking pr is i live under a rock and am terminally exhausted and i freely admit that #i dont exactly have infinite time and energy to devote to politics. what do you want from me?#to not fucking vote? and just LET things go to shit? and act like im on some moral high horse for having the ability to decide to abstain #bc its morally icky?#im at fucking work big dog i got better shit to do than argue in endless circles online #is anyone who works in law as a profession not like.... open and proud of whatever their work is? isnt that how they get clients?#whether they actually get to choose what they work on to some extent or not. like do they not all do this type of shit. genuine question

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an-incoherent-mess · 4 months

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So I'm really into genealogy and have been for a few years now and I'm blessed with being really good with names and dates etc. So in conversation I can remember like a ridiculous amount of:

Jane Doe Smith Johnson

b. 1805 Tennessee d. 1879 Missouri

Married 1828 to John Patrick Johnson. Had five children. Died of TB

Etc etc

And that's cool enough apparently but I've mostly been using it for

A. Making up bullshit but real sounding names for stuff (i.e my name is Emily Stewart, Grace Kolár, etc). The point is that they're normal sounding and varied.

B. Having a bizarre frame of reference for historical events. Like "oh [small town],[state] 1942 had [random] event happen? My 1st cousin 4x removed got married there that year, small world!"

It's so dumb, like I'll read about some historical event from my area (where I've had family in the vicinity of since the 1840s) and I'll link up the time frame in my head and be like hmm... I wonder what 3rd great aunt Helen thought about that happening next door to her church.

#anyways im haunted by my ansesters and their lives #and driven actually crazy when i hit a dead end until ive solved it #like if i dont figure out credibly who my 3rd great grandfather's parents are soon im genuinely going to lose touch I'm serious.#i realized the other day that id been 'investigateing' it since Jan 2021 DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFERENT MY LIFE IS COMPARED TO THEN?!#and I'm not like casual.. I am multiple times a week searching the LoC as well as physical genealogical libraries for records #it lives in my brain like a tumor #he was born in 1857 in 'western' America this isn't fog of shit #its goddanm out there!#part of the obsession is because this particular ancestor is where my surname came from #he's my paternal paternal paternal grandfather.. yea... I'm just like curious as to specifically where my surname originated #sometimes especially on my mom's side I can track this shit down to a specific small european towns and I can find neat historical stuff #but this guy is just a fucking mystery #he appears in Oklahoma in the 1870s has like 15 children and then offs himself after losing money gambling #oh my god im actually ranting #and I guess it bugs me more than others because he has a very prominent newspaper trail #there are tons and tons of mentions of this guy #he has a long ass obituary but nobody ever fucking mentions where he came from other than like vague ass statements #his obituaries literally contradict each other too #I have searched everywhere for any misspelling of this guy's name #but his name is very easy to spell it's freaking William and the last name is very easy as well its a third person singular verb #ugh #anyways #ive cooled off #geneology #is interesting as fuck honestly

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s-ccaam-era-crepe · 1 month

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#camera talks #i am so fucking envious of people that arent physically disabled #i try to be okay with my disability and sometimes i've even come to terms with it #but when im bedridden because i actually cant move or get up #or when im walking down stairs one at a time. taking me 1-2 minutes to walk down them #while im nauseous and dizzy and genuinely feel like dying #and etc etc #i am so jealous of people who dont go through this #i would give so much to be able to live fucking normally.#its so so painful and there is nothing i can do #and my family Actually doesnt care (they care and take precautions when my mom has them tho. mine are just more-#frequent therefore more annoying to accommodate)#it affects every little bit of my life and i feel fucking crazy #and its not even just my migraines. my general chronic pain is so fucking bad right now and it hurts so bad i cant do anything #i dont know how im going to live like this. i dont know how im going to do the job i want to do #i dont want to deal with this forever but im going to be and i hate hate hate it and im so upset #vent #if it wasnt obvious #sorry im going to bed now. i feel bad

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3416 · 10 months

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I think it's strange to analyze someone's straight wedding to fit your fantasies

and i think it's strange to come anonymously onto some random person's blog on THE literal ship based website and say that but..... we'll all live, won't we flksjdkflsd

#easks #called fiction babes.... makes for a compelling narrative in my mind.. where i am allowed to fantasize.......#im perfectly aware of these men having real lives outside of anything i could ever know abt them but to me....#and to everyone who doesnt know them irl... they are a persona. and sports... are the perfect place to explore #internalized homophobia and what that does to ur perception of ur sexuality.. how that impacts ur relationships w others...#how many times do we gotta go over the rpf disclaimer flkdsj are u 12 or just new here #have some fun eh #not like i genuinely believe theyre fucking 😭😭 we dont have a 1d situation on our hands.. learn ur history

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panspy · 6 months

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hmmmmmm.................vent post under tags...... feel free to give advice or dont¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#i think this is an autism related thing #but i genuinely feel like i wasnt made right for the world we live in #like something is just missing from me that ive never seen ppl talk about #and i know this is going to sound entitled and privileged and i KNOW i know i promise and im so lucky i can even be thinking about this but #it feels weird to have the privilege to be scared #this is specifically in regards to working #like having a job. like going to work #i feel like im missing an extremely important part of my brain or my BEING that is capable ot going through the motions of participating #in society. i never felt that switch of wanting to get a job in high school to make money for myself and get that experience #i feel like there's something i MISSED where everyone took a class on how to apply and go to interviews and write resumes and not be scared #like i NEED to be walked through every SINGLE step because i dont know HOW #and i see my peers and the literal entire world around me participating in this atmosphere and i dont know where to start #im fucking twenty three years old and ive only ever been an intern and an assistant #not even a full year of working #i cant drive and i probably wont ever because thats a whole other can of worms #and that means i have to rely on other people to even get to wherever it was i needed to go #i feel like a fucking child because im missing this knowledge that everyone else seems to have #ive tried i really have but none of it seems simple and its all so much and there arent steps to follow #i mean there ARE but its like 1) look up job 2) apply 3) interview 4) yay you're employed #and im talking about each micro step inbetween #what am i missing #and then theres the fucking demand avoidance that slaps me across the face whenever my mom brings it up to me like i KNOW youre being #supportive and encouraging and its not your fault my brain turns off and decides im full of shame bc i cant CONFRONT ANYTHING #jesus christ #manf i know u can see this maybe dont bring it up to mom i can do that on my own maybe #i WANT to help i just want to help at my own pace but unfortunately the world isnt built around individual paces and nothing revolves #around me. i know this #i want to help my mom i want her to never be stressed about money and to retire and never work or help me pay my student loans but i #genuinely feel like theres a switch that never turned on in my head and im being left behind and i genuinely dont know how to. like be alive

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bunnihearted · 6 months

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🍽️😔🎻

#soo blah blah need to vent again abt my health issue situation 💀#yuh so like im so sick nd tired of whats going on. nd not being able to just eat whatever i feel like whenever #it's emotionall draining tbh. im always thinking abt what i could maybe try nd im always like ohh gotta make sure the portion is small etc #it's annoying me sm bc i can def feel the effects of me not getting the right nd enough nutrients nd vitamins etc etc #i get dizzy nd my vision is hazy sometimes. nd im like forgetful bc the other the when i walked home i kept getting lost nd had to walk back #nd forth several times nd i was like ?!?!? what?! i've lived here for 25yrs nd now i just cannot for the life of me rmbr the way #also i am so weak in my body. like carrying even a small amound or books nd groceries nd walking for 30min makes me exhausted #my legs are actually shaking when i get back home nd every step feels like im walking in cement #plus i just wanna be able to go to the gym nd build muscle. but if i dont get enough protein in me i cant build muscles T-T #what else... yeah also i do miss food bc of comfort. like my coffee + chcolate everyday makes me genuinely happy lmao #but i just want the food situation to be normal bc even w veggies im like oh no that is too gas building that is too hard to digest etc etc #it's mentally gruelling to not know how tf to get all the important nutrients!! i def have several deficiences lmao :((#im so over it. but theres nothing i can do. i wish i could just not think abt it 24/7 tho #also. im the thinnest i've ever been BUT. i am constantly bloated so i look fkn pregnant. so i cant even enjoy looking the skinnier

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the-dot · 4 months

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#a dot original #pretty sure everyone i know is tired of hearing about my medical bullshit so instead im going to talk on my infinitely more public tumblr #god i didn't realize. how fucking much having a period affected me #in an incredibly bad way #like. there was always that sense of dread. doing everything on a time limit before my body decided to try to turn itself inside out #and wreak havoc on my mental state #and yeah the first few months of bc were INCREDIBLY BAD and i never want to go through that again but #god i can't go back to having periods again. not now that i know there's another option #i want this poisonous fucking organ ripped out of my body #and now that i have to take a break from bc i am so fucking terrified that when i start it again i'll have three more months of hell #and like. if i do that again i will die. genuinely. i can't do that again. but.#i dont think i can live with periods for the rest of my life either ghdjfjdjvjdjvjdk.

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