#i had more to offer here but thisll do

[crowtechs]

if this sounds self indulgent thats ok this is a reminder to myself and you

selfshipping is for you. its for your comfort. its not for anyone elses. its for you.

if you are getting back into selfshipping or starting to selfship, just know: it is ok to feel insecure, its ok to feel off, its ok to feel like what youre doing may be silly! but listen to what you want, listen what makes you happy and if selfshipping makes you happy, then go for it. start it again. enjoy the new things that is selfshipping if youre a newcomer.

if you had experiences that makes selfshipping difficult for you and you feel even worse, and question why you even are doing this in the first place, you are valid. its difficult to go back to something that brought so much comfort only for it to end poorly. its hard to tell yourself that doing this will make you happy, will make you feel better; its hard when perhaps selfshipping to you has bad memories but you wanna go back to it again.

selfshipping to some is a coping mechanism or perhaps it is to many, it can also just be a side hobby, it can be a fun little thing, a sweet comfort. selfshipping can be an escape to the real word and whats happening, and if it means writing the silliest goofiest things with your f/o just to make you smile, then is it really hurting anyone? no!

you have every right to enjoy something as much as everyone else. maybe some are way open about their f/os and draw, and write, and express it publicly. maybe you are different and want to express it privately, or maybe you want to try to express it more openly. whatever the case may be, this is your thing. its yours. no one will ever take it away from you.

no one will ever take something from you that makes you feel safe and comforted.

[thatcheeseycandle]

//WAKE UP YOU LOT TW FOR MAJOR SPOILERS ON IPOS'S CHP. 35 BLUE PETER ITS TIME FOR A READING

Ogdkayahahhaaa OFHHAHgAHANAHAHZHSBSXUGCGDAGCSKHVSBVS

YOU ANEKAY

THE SUMMARY IS ALREADY FRYING UP MY THROAT

wait WIA TWIA TIAUJAIAIAA OLIVA REAT UP FOR GODS SAKE

OLIVIA DO NOT NO NO

North NORTHHRHAHAHDHDVAHAHHAJAAOAOOAOAOA NORHTA REASEARCH

HIS RESEARCH

I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID OLIVIA GO THROIGH THEM FILES

Wait WAIT. PEONY JUST- OH YEAH THAT MAKES SENSE NGL

STILL NOTING DOWN

Wait A HOUSE??????? WDYM AT ROOSTERA FARM. OKAY YEAH. CONAIDERING A LOT I'D HAVE TO STRETCH OUT A GUESS THAT THIS IS WHERE GNSJOURNAL TOOK PLACE WITH THE LIGHTING

But like I said THATS A FAR ATRETCH SO YEAH COUGHA YEAH

Wait AY AY WAIT. IM GUESAING THAT WAS POLLY NGL YEAH. YEAH THAT WAS POLLY DEF DEF

OKAY I GOTTA SPEEDRUN YHIS READ ITS NEARLY DINNER FOR ME RN AS OF WRITING THIS YEAH THIS SENTENCE

Ay AY. I

I newd I NEED. TO NOT. SCREAM. Give me a sec

Okay I screamed MYAHAIAAAAAAAA MU GOSH

I

I SCREAMED AGAIN WHAT AY AY AY AY OLVIAII OLVIAIA SAAN KA NAAAAAAAA

GOOD GOSH- THIS IS WHY YOU WRITE DOWN ADDRESSES PEONY THIS IS WHY

Ay AYAYAYAYAYAY KING GEORGER CORBYN AYYYYYY

Oh. Oh right Merfyn and his uh COUGH COUGH. BLACK SMOKE. Ah.

Wait so- WAIT. OH THAT LITTLE SHIT. SO WAIT HE MEANT ALL THAT THE ENTIRE TIME. THAT LITTLE PRICK I SWEAR

Oh OH??? WELL DANG. AT LEAST HES BETTER AMIRIGHT-

Well crap thats THATA GONNA BE A SHORT ATORY ISNT IT

Blue pink?? TV GIR- NO NO NOT A TV GIRL REFERENCE DW

Woah WOAH WE GOING ALL NUMBERS NOW AY? THISLL BE INTEREATING NGL

I. Yeah uh COUGHS. A CERTAIN CAPRICORN WILL NOT BE PLEASED AT THAT MERFYN (the names are starting to confuse me IM SORRY)

ah gosh I GOTTA GO EAT SEC

AAAAAAAAA AI HAVE NEVER EATEN DINENR THAT FATS OGAHHSHS MY STOMAVH YEAH ITS GONNA EXPLODE

RIGHT BACK TO YEAH

My goah GOOD GOSH- MERFYN????? YOU PRICK YOUR LITERALLY MORE THAN A PRICJ NGL

Oh OG???????? NO WAY NO WAYAYHABDHDHDHAHAHHDDH

TAKE THAT KING II

Ah gosh KING GEORGE YOU DID THE ONLY THING YOU COULD DW

WAIT. LET ME PROCESS ALL OF THAY PLEASE

AY AYAYAYYYYYY BLUE PETER

HEREA TH MAN OF THE HOUR LETS GO LETA GOOOOO

Oh. Right good gosh- RIGHT. I KEEP FORGETTING THAT. OUGH. IT HURTS

WAAAAITYTT

I JUST SCREAMED IM SO SORY BUT GOODF SOH

STH AND EMOLY

Insrrt me reading all fo this wjusy speechless until-

"I just don't know! I'm confused, alright! What is this, a therapy session?!" I JUST. I BURSTED IM SORRY

THATS WHAT EVERY SCENE LIKE THIS FEELS LIKE GAGAHAHAHDGDHDHDH

IDK WHY I JUST BURSTED INTO LAUGHTER FOR THAT LONG DHFJFHJSHS

BACK TO SERIOUS MODE

Insrry me getting up and just ranting and rambling and sayung a kot after reading that yeah the thing Blue Oeter asked being "Are you offering mr a place on Sodor, sir?"

OHMYGAHAHAHAHAHGDJDUDDH

I COULDNT CONTAIN MYAELF I HAD TO I NEEDED TO JUST LET OUT ALL THE WORDS ALL THE SVREAMEA

MY GOASYJAJAJAIDH

I

IK SAINT MUNGO IS HAVIGN FUN WITH TORNADO AND CHARLIE

BUT GOOD GOSH HE NEEDS TO GET BACK TO BLUE OETER RN

RN. AS IN RN RN.

"AAGUWUAHABAAAAA MY THROAT" -what I just screamed out

Ay AY AY AY ITS THE BTI

WE'RE FINALLY HERE WITH THE AUSSIES LETS GO

Oh gosysb GREY GREY NONONOONONO

INSERT ME JUST AAYIMG VARIATIONS OD NO DONT DO IT IRL YEAH

OH THANK YOU PENDENNIS THANK GOD AND ABOVE GOSH

Ay ay AY AY

RIGHT TRURO- RIGHT. GOD UH. RIGHT

Bittern OFUJDDHDH I LOVE YOU GOOD GOSH FINALKY SOMEONE SAYING AOMETHING LIKE TGAT

"Course not! He's out in his human build right?" gREY MY GIRL HAGSHDHDH GOOD GOD

HDFHDJSHSH YEAH JUST CASUAL CASUAL

Ah God whos gonna tell Pendennis HAGHAGAHAGSHSGD

Insert me standong up just saying variations of oUGFFHHF and just irl jeyboard smashes

Insert me just being shocjed and hust rambling lshocked at what Horatio just did and how he looks

OHNSFAJAGAHAHHAHDD

PAUSE. SIT. CALM. I NEED TO PROCESS THAT

SERIOUSLY I MEAN. CONSIDERING HOW EXPOSED WE, THE READERS, ARE TO GDCS ALREADY I MEAN YEAH I WAS NEAR THE LEVEL OF SHOCK-NESS GREY AND GOLD HAD

Look LOOK IK ITS BEEN SAID LIKE HEY YEAH GDCS ARENT MUCH NORMAL AND YEAH MOST ENGINES ARENT AWARE OF THAT YADAYADAYADA YKNOW

but sraly I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS THIS SEVERE

Wait. QUICJSILVLERR?????

JAQUELINE- JAQULEINEGSHAJAAAAAAAAAAAA

OKAY IM YEAH YEAH

WDYM HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITG HER PAST??????

.

WAIT

HOW ON EARTH DOES JAQUELINE KNOW THAT. WAIT- IS SHE OKAY????????? NAH NAH SRSKY IS THIS WOMAN OKAY LIKE GOOD GOSH.

WDYM YOU JUST KNOW??????? WDYM. LIKE

WDYM RAT OUT TO THE GOLDEN ORDER???????

I

WHAT

WHTAAYAUAAAAAAAA

INSETRRYREY ME HAVING A HEART ATYACJ OHGMAUAUAOAB MERRY IS JAQUELINE BUT EAIT HOW I MEAM HOW HOW I JSYTS DID SHE DIE OR DID NORTH WHAT HUH WHAT HAPPEHHAJAAAAAAAAAA

[savethepinecones]

4, 13 (bakugo), 10

ooh thisll be fun

4: do you have a notp in your fandom? are they a popular otp?

oh boy im about to get absolutely destroyed but tododeku. i dont read established relationships much and i prefer lots of drama but the vibe i get from tododeku is theyd get together without much hassle so i just have no interest

13: unpopular opinion about bakugou?

ohhhh boy. i dont think theres anything i can say about him that hasnt been said before. the fandom has analyzed him to hell and back and honestly i think theyve got a pretty good grasp on his character at this point so i dont think any of my headcanons would really qualify here....

i think the biggest thing would be that i think he gets too much focus in the fandom. yeah hes the foil for the mc and hes had probably the most character growth out of everyone but there are other characters yall can obsess over smh.

also i think hes much more up front about how he feels than hes portrayed as a lot of the time. the shit he keeps to himself is either stuff hes still figuring out or stuff he feels guilty about but even in the case of the latter it comes up sooner rather than later (deku vs kacchan 2 for example). once he knows how he thinks/feels he doesnt really hide it. i think a lot of the time in fics he tends to keep things pent up or is sometimes a bit tsundere but honestly i think hes much more straightforward than that. hes not afraid of consequences because he very much believes he can overcome anything with enough effort so hes going to say what he thinks and deal with the results as they come up.

ngl though most of the fic i read is shippy stuff so this may not apply in non-romantic scenarios

10: most disliked arc? why?

the pre-ua arc. mostly because the only characters we see are all might deku and bakugou and im more invested in the dynamics of the class as a whole.

early bakugou is The Worst and while i think showing that is important in order to establish how he grows as the series goes on, its not something that i especially care to rewatch. i think looking back on cringey middle school times is always difficult for me irl or otherwise so its not really a complaint about bakugou specifically but yeah.

as for all might i frankly disagree with a lot of his views on being a hero and this is when most of them are established. every time i watch this i just want to argue with him lol

and with deku tbh im just not super a fan of him??? i think part of it is because a lot of his behavior thats emphasized in canon is stuff that i personally struggle with (his tendency to worry about others to the point that he completely neglects himself for one) and while overall i think this is something the series discourages i also want to shake him and scream at him every time he does this stuff. please value yourself small green child. (also all might encourages the self sacrificing stuff and sees it as a sign of being a True Hero and this is an excellent example of what i was talking about in the previous paragraph.)

also its always kinda bothered me that the initial couple episodes are all deku trying to become a hero without a quirk but a) hes not actually doing anything to get closer to his goal (unless you count the analysis of other heroes) like he knows he wouldnt be able to rely on a quirk but hes not even trying to figure out any more obtainable alternatives hes just saying "i want to do this thing" and then not putting any effort in until all might offers to train him. meanwhile characters who are equally committed to the same goal (bakugou and todoroki for example, although todorokis situation is complicated what with endeavor being The Worst and all) are training themselves physically in addition to strengthening their quirks. i would consider deku to be more on par with characters like kirishima who didnt commit to the hero thing until their last year of junior high but that just doesnt match up with the emphasis by both deku himself and the narrative that he has always really wanted to become a hero.

also the whole "i want to become a hero even though i dont have a quirk" thing gets resolved by him just. getting a quirk?? idk i feel like bnha toys with the idea of addressing quirkless discrimination but always just handwaves it away. like oh this character wants to do something that historically has never been achieved by someone with his disability. the resolution is that he no longer has the disability.

also in the case of touya it talks about his experience having a quirk thats incompatible with his body and how that affects him and shapes him but then it just gets kinda pushed aside by endeavors influence on the situation and instead of talking about how touya was affected by a bad home life and struggling with disability and being unable to accept his limits, it just becomes "endeavor was bad at dealing with the situation and then touya became a villain" idk it just keeps skirting around this stuff that i think is important from both a world building perspective and also applicable to actual things that irl people deal with but ultimately it just dismisses it as unimportant. like objectively saying "hey the mc is considered disabled and then in chapter three is magically no longer disabled" is a dick move. yes he struggles with adjusting but like?? the emphasis was on the disability and then it immediately just removed that factor and moved on to a New Problem (oh no the quirk is Too Awesome) (because he didnt bother to do any sort of training or anything to reach his goal until all might was in the picture)

i went on a big tangent but tldr a lot of the problems i have with bnha are especially emphasized in the first five episodes or so and because of that and my lack of interest in the characters with the most screen time (sorry deku stans) i just cant stand the "training to get into ua" arc

thanks for sending the ask! i had a lot of fun talking about this and also spent way too much time on it lol

[ayyponine]

talk to me abt sharp objects calhoun day episode

bc it might b my favourite idk. idk which writer or whatever involved first went like “you know what. lets invent this holiday thing” but i owe them my life. youre halfway thru yr episodes, main character just published an article saying “the killer might be someone within the community” so everyone who read it instantly goes “so its DEFINITELY one of these two people oh boy!!” and then they all gather into the local rich ladys backyard to passive aggressively exchange some words until shit blows up. you just spend yr episode waiting fr that pot to boil over. chef kiss.

anyway im yelling at smth every two to three minutes because

the way alan (fuck you) acts all self assured coming into the ivory tile bedroom having reclaimed territory after adora flirted w the police chief but he asserted some dominance by arguing, acting all masculine and then adora lying in bed letting him have some after theyve been sleeping in seperate beds for a while so he thinks hes the big man now. but also once downstairs it’s like we have to go buy camillle smth appropriate fr the day. just girls alan youre NOT invited. you do have to drive us there though and then sit in the car and wait fr us outside. good i fucking hate that guy.

camilles shopping trip from HELL. first you have amma going like mammaa i am babyyy giv me attention :(( and bursting the bubble, demanding they listen to her when adora first refuses that. then adora immediately turning herself into the victim in the situation bc the second she hears news abt the article and experiences stress she starts bleeding frm the cut on her hand again (which the shop assistant also asked about. she had heard the fucking news of adoras horrible traumatic wound which kept her weak and inside all day.... she had cut it on a fucking rose bush ma’am...) acting all “uugghhhh im so upset youve made me bleed you girls did this to me uwuwuwu ://” and then icing on the cake, the shop assistant steps up with two thin strapped pink frilly dresses like ohh camille thisll look great on you i bet :) welcome to hell

the now iconic dressing room scene ft. adora snatching the clothes (bitch) and going like whaaat why are you upset just come outside we dont have time fr this :// and after being at least a little shocked @camille’s scars going straight back into “it hardly matters. youre ruined.” like oh my daughter did this to herself and its all to upset meeeeeee

back at home the moment of mb genuine vulnerability and connection btwn amma and camille acknowledging that living at home can be hard sometimes and mb they could understand each other and be like. supportive while trying to get through this. amma offering to borrow her a dress that both camille and adora would be approving of. tfw u just went thru a real mess of a family situation but you still gotta dress nice and smile through the day bc youre representing your mother and have to not be ungrateful after everything she’s done for you. aaaaa

the call to curry and the meaning of home... camille’s "i should probably just head home” vs his “i thought that sending you home would help” then shifting to “wanna come home kiddo?” aka home is w him and eileen, actual supportive parental figures who can admit to making a mistake and will try to express they love her, try to make her laugh. during their earlier call he was like great job on the article we need more asap and it then shifting to him actually admitting like maybe it was wrong of him to send her there bc while talking to him she feels able to say shit like “whenever im here i feel like a bad person” or “im not decent” and they just try to reassure her and help in response of what she needs. aaaaaa

everyone looking at each other. looking looking looking and people frm different little subgroups interacting by bumping into one another and splitting up again and making snide little remarks to their own private company. b r u h

camille in the prev episode first refusing a kiss frm kansas city and taking it into a more sexual direction instead, then finally making out w him when he dropped her off back home and adora was watching them from inside the house. now catching adora’s gaze fr a second before taking his arm and leaning in a bit more. adora moving in to offer him a house tour the second he’s left alone. adora then having slipped into this persona of seeming like a super reasonable and understanding nuanced woman w genuine concern for her daughter’s wellbeing while subtly saying things to maybe put him off her aka “she’s still recovering from a recent episode”. and camilles instant like panic when jackie comes over to tell her adora is giving kc a house tour and afterwards interrogating him in turn like haha what did she say tho. kansas city stupid idiot thinking theyre boyfriend and girlfriend now like wow those floors.. haha yeah but no what the FUCK did she day tho nervous SWEAT

amma earlier being so happy to hear camille wants to run lines with her like yes!! attention from estranged big sister!! but then during her big performance she’s not even looking bc she’s too busy cozying up to the other out of towner misfit. the second that fight breaks out no one, not even adora is looking, so amma gets upset and instantly switches like okay BYE. and it WORKS. the way adora is then instantly just bereaved and elegantly sobbing on her porch like a weak little lady because yes her daughter just went missing while young teens exactly like her are getting murdered but this elegant damsel is also in distress AT LEAST as much thank you.. and the way the MEN instantly run into the woods to save the day and presumably kill the *checks notes f-slur mexican out of town truck driver or whatever who’s been killing these children. go pick up some rocks to destroy thanks fellas youre doing great

camille also going into the woods and stressing out because she’s getting flashbacks to marian (and alice? idk they all look alike lmao), aka other young girls she cared abt and failed to protect, resulting in them dying. earlier w the people she knew frm high school we were shown brief but fully separated trauma cuts (flashes of different scenes) but in this situation past and present, real and imaginary are merging right in front of her and she feels helpless to stop it. if you just saw the previous episode you know it ended w her worried about finding amma in the shed, dead, toothless. and now she does find her in that shed (alive tho). instantly rescued and put to bed for pampering.

this episode spans the events of a single day but you see adora in three different outfits. theyre all soft pastels but her nails are long and red. we get into the drinks on the veranda scene which i cannot think about without wanting to throw hands. earlier jackie made a comment on adora’s “friends” being porch girls during calhoun day like. theyre not on the lawn w the common folk but also kept out of the house. you’re soooo welcome here but don’t fucking come in. and the way adora asked her to share a drink w her please, seeming tired after the drama of the day and now in her nightdress, in soft lighting, even starting by saying she wants to apologise. only for that to turn into hurt city central. im gonna throw hands with a fifty yr old. the whole thing abt being born to a cold nature, not able to get close which is such a shame and completely camille’s own fault of course :/ her then running off to kansas city whos so enamoured w this mysterious troubled but snarky cool girl image he has of her and fucking w her clothes on and the lights out with the closeup on “closer” carved into her bit of exposed skin. aaaaAAA

but also it’s in all the little things :)) like before the event camille being dressed in dark colours while adora and amma are in pink, the old magazine mother/daughter picture which camille wasn’t welcome in, only eternally perfect little marian. “she takes after her father” aka a dude you dont like and dont ever want to even acknowledge or talk about. but said only in the most pleasant way in passing :) / amma switching moods frm mamas perfect little angel starring in the play to “my other phone... dont tell mama” and the phone casing kinda looking like ann’s bicycle seat (white with flowers) / camille being so ready to snark back and deflect/ cut it short whenever someone tries to bring up a sensitive subject / “my scars will armour me!” and this whole play glorifying the martyrdom of millie calhoun. aka camilles “great-great-great-grand victim” and the bloodline and generational type of suffering for your loved ones. everyone just looking on and doting on these kids performing a horrid little play starring the ideal and pure heroine victim. the sick perversion and gleeful watchers of violence like everything is just fine. btw yes the kids had been doing drugs while looking at the dollhouse inside and theyre inappropriately giddy abt their little performance. also the next episode in the first five minutes containing a flashback to marian calling camille “millie”. i will yell

(also wnted to mention this video bc it touches on thought cuts and the LOOKING and having to keep up appearances due to constantly being judged but. it’s about other episodes as well so idk it’s a great video but i couldn’t neeatly fit it in anywhere).

(bonus fr anyone who actually read thru this lmao. when i think of camille i think of one vine and it’s this one)

[menalez]

Hi, Mena, I'm hoping you can somehow help me. I'm in search of a radfem therapist. I've become severely depressed with all that's going on, and feel like I'd much rather be dead than living life as a woman. I don't want to spend my time having to explain why I think men have ruined my life or having them wonder if transitioning would help me. I live in the SouCal area. I know you don't live in America, but maybe others can help me, too, if you can't. I'm also willing to try online therapists.

hey love,, im glad youre searching for help and i wish you the best in finding the best therapist for you! from my experience, its hard to find therapists meeting very specific requirements, but to my knowledge: these sessions are confidential, you can look for female therapists who are often very sympathetic and understanding of women being tired of misogyny and feeling low because of misogyny, just from my experience. i would recommend that when you choose the therapist, look at her specialisations and areas of expertise to see if you think she’ll be of help to you. 

im wary of recommending anything mostly bc ive never been in the area youre at so i cant guarantee these are good, so don’t take any of this as me vouching for the orgs or the individuals but rather just directing you to places that MIGHT be useful to you. hopefully someone in that area can provide more specific recommendations in that regard bc i cant guarantee anything here,,, but from a quick google search i found “california women’s therapy”, they say on their website that they offer free screening and free consultation, which sounds super good. i found on this site several therapists to choose from (thisll show u ones specifically in LA, you can change the location tho to suit where u are), id recommend reading their descriptions and specialisations before making a deciison, most are obviously not radical feminists but a lot do seem to hold feminist beliefs. 

from my experience w therapists, ive never had a radfem therapist but the female therapists ive had were always very understanding of distress relating to being a woman bc of misogyny and have never suggested transition for me as a solution. maybe its bc im not masculine tho but .. i think you should be able to find a good therapist even if shes not explicitly radfem. so id recommend looking into a therapist in your area that specialises in treating women or focuses on women’s issues, that should be enough to find you someone who meets your minimum requirements even if theyre not explicitly radfem. there’s a good chance that you won’t find the therapist for you from the first try, its normal to take time to find a good match so don’t let that discourage you at all.

if someone has more suggestions for anon, please feel free to chime in! 

[solunova]

hey uh ib is... como se dice... a Fuck. like as someone who is still trying to recover psychologically after graduating and getting my diploma. like i was Smart Good At School and hung out with Smart Good At School and we were all dying the entire time. you may have some issues but like. shit's fucked man

(Another Anonymous said: Hey don’t stress yourself too much with ib stuff, they suck now and are so freaking stressful but they are definitely steps that will help you down the road (coming from someone who definitely credits all the ia and shit I had to write to helping me rewrite a 10 page college paper 3 days before it’s due and get an a on it) these things have their place in you academic journey (also don’t stress the ioc’s too much you have that knowledge in your brain you can do it!))

i guess before i start: thank you two. person 1 for validation in my pain and 2 for encouragement that ill be okay and that it isnt all for naught. i appreciate both of yall! 

but its my birthday at 1:40 am and im fucking SAD cause im up trying to write my entire bio ia due friday after some Complications came up so this is gonna be a mostly negative retrospective of my last two years and the circumstances that ive lived in due to the ib

i refuse to put this under a cut yall scroll past word walls anyways

so heres my hot and absolutely original take: i recognize that ib is extremely beneficial in certain regards. i know from everyone who took it telling me that its good for college experience and all that kind of stuff, both on a knowledge/content level and on, as person 2 describes, an “i cant get off my ass to write this paper in time” level and being able to compensate for that. i agree with that! I am extremely grateful for an increased class difficulty, especially in the fields where i knew what was happening already and spent classes bored until ib. and like! ib english is the first goddamn time ive EVER talked about the evils of imperialism and colonialism in an academic setting. that shit is vital to our future and yet no normal class talks about it!!! its terrible! and ib history is the first time ive ever enjoyed a history class and gotten even a margin of a good feeling out of it. like there are some really good parts of ib that ive written every damn college entry essay ive gotten on. i Know.

but like okay lets start with the fact that going into this that they (as in all ib teachers) were like “oh itll break you out of procrastination! itll teach you to constantly be studying!!! its what you need for college!!!!!” when it has done all of jack and shit to help us achieve that. its just kind of put us in the lions den and let us scramble at the walls for a foothold to get out or at least survive, maimed and depraved. if it sees us stopping to catch our breath, it shoots at our feet. the ibo extorts our misery to feed their mirth

lets also acknowledge that dumb fucks who take full ib, or even worse, those taking pseudo full ib (ie all classes but no diploma cause their extended essay busted and they gave up ie me) mostly take it due to extreme pressure, be it from their schools, their family, or their own psyche, saying they arent good enough if they dont take the highest offered classes, or even more that if they arent doing well in those classes its a product of their own shortcomings and then spend most of the rest of the time in ib degrading themselves because no matter how much time they put in they cant be the best and all that fun stuff. ib kids are put on a sort of pedestal by the school but then left on their own. 

i, of course, see this as a much greater academic institution integrated mindset that needs to be addressed and challenged, but to force it on kids who have to not only go through with it for the next four years, but also because its targeted at these kids that are higher achieving “gifted and talented” fucking whatever, most likely the rest of their lives?

its straight up psychologically damaging to give such a rigorous course load and no help for the effects and self esteem issues from it, no help for the people who dont know how to give up and instead run themselves in the fucking dirt and strain themselves to the edges of their goddamn sanity, spending what little time is left in their adolescence treating themselves like shit

idealistically, ib is wonderful. i think it carries out some of its best traits (integrating global thinking, allowing a more freeform discussion of many things, etc), but i also recognize how absolutely full of shit it is in many corners (regarding encouraging service, intellectual honesty, whatever else), one, and that a lot of people are just.. not up to the task. they may have the ability intellectually, but not mentally. i firmly believe that anyone can do anything if they set their minds to it but i have become the victim of my own philosophy because that came at the expense of my well-being.

and the fact that when i tried to tell my coordinator this she a) did not let me just NOT do the ee despite how strained i was(which i didnt end up doing, lick my whole dick mrs kurtz) and stole my summer from me because between being depressed as hell at gsp i was a nervous wreck about what they could do to me or how i was going to accomplish anything that i needed to, and that i havent had a proper break from school in three straight years, that im still running on empty essentially and b) that when i told the other ib coordinator, 4 months later, theres not a souls chance in hell that i was gonna fucking do it, that she lectured me and made me cry in class about how “you cant see the forest for the trees” “thisll help you later in life” “youre throwing away jobs” all that fun stuff like

its evil

the lack of care that often goes into it

the extreme magnitude of work that, sure, is feasibly possible for a 16-18 year old to do, but here theyre expected to

the fact that the classes fall in a time where gpa is so absolutely vital to colleges and scholarships (and given that its these ib kids’ personality and intellectual dispositions, even more so - both in esteem and necessity)

the fact that so many of the classes and so much of the coursework is empty, ultimately

its kind of a bad system

not even to MENTION the egotistical complexes, both inwardly as addressed and outwardly as in being the most godawful kind of people that manifests in these people that think theyre gods gift to the world cause they took ib and “if you spend time bitching about ib you deserve to fail because that was time you could have spent working” like you sound like the worst kind of person and i dont fucking care. theres a girl in my classes who is so upset every time someone doesnt listen to her because she thinks everything she has to say is the goddamn gospel and ib really attracts these kinds of people and its the WORST

[hdawg1995]

Chapter two, this time with the P4 cast!

The Cognitive net; a Persona 4 and Persona 5 cross over fanfic with OCs. Summary:

When a string of missing persons cases all seem to be linked by a far too familiar rumor, detective shirogane tries to enlist the help of her old investigation team. Unfortunately, not all of the original members are able to make it to shibuya-the sight of the latest case- but she finds help from an unexpected hacker and her friends. Elsewhere, a small team of brand new persona users have already figured out the “cognitive web” and it’s strange search engine. Will detective Shirogane and the hacker Alibaba discover the new group of heroes in time to realize this case is not city wide, but WORLD wide?

Chapter 2: one new message/a run down for the newbie

1/2/3/4/5

If the walls of Detective Shirogane’s office could speak, they would have very little to say but those words would be astonishing. 45 cases- murders, kidnappings, petty crimes and robberies- in the two years she returned to the force alone. The bluenette was diligently looking over the latest case files; missing persons cases that were handed to her not because they were another case to solve, but because SHE could possibly be the only one to solve them.

“5 people have gone missing in the past three weeks. The first went missing at 8am while in their own home. His mother reported him missing after she came to check on him. He had been playing video games…” she flipped to the other file. “This one went missing in the middle of school, the only thing the police were able to find was her cell phone…” Naoto stared at the file and made a note to make a request to look at the phone. She shifted though the other files and saw a pattern with those who went missing and leaving their phones behind. The 3 phones that were not locked led to a website and all apps aside from the web browser were locked.

There was something about these cases she couldn’t shake. They felt familiar and it sent a rock like weight down to her stomach.

“I need a second opinion… maybe a third.” She fiddled with the brim of her hat and reached for her cell phone. It has been a long time, least to her.

Opening the phone, she found the old text chat she had been added to the day it seemed everyone became adults and parted ways.

<Thisll b how we stay in toch!

<Yosuke please type like a normal person.

<yu, plz stp txtin lk a old man.

She laughed at the interaction between the two partners. Scrolling though the old chat she felt a wave of nostalgia. It was bitter sweet- she missed the old times and the silly things they would do, but all that changed a year and a few months ago. That was the last she talked to any of her old friends from Inaba.

>Hello Everyone. It Has Been A Long Time. I Wish I Was Contacting You All With Happy News Or Questions About Your Lives But I Have Been Given A Case And I Request Your Opinions On It.

She stared at her phone for a few moments. She did not expect the almost instant “many people are typing” notification and gasped when her phone buzzed with text messages.

<Naoto kun! I will be happy to help you! I’m taking a break from performing, so I’m all ears!

<Holy shit shes not texting in all caps!

>My Word Yosuke, You’re Texting In Full Words!

The chat grew abuzz with laughter and the nostalgia was fading. The truth was she didn’t have to stay in the past; her friends were right here, even if they were miles away.

<Naoto, I’m happy you remembered this chat but out of all the cases “The Returning Prince of justice” has solved, what makes this one special enough to ask for our assistance?

Senpai. Even in text form she was able to hear that suspicious tone he had when he knew she was avoiding something.

<oh man I’m not dreaming! This chat IS active again!

<whoa, Kanji! You’re not getting long distance charges are you?

<oh my that’s right! you’re in America!

<nah, don’t worry yukiko, i get free texts from japan since ma checks in with me. wait, Yosuke how did you know I would have been getting long distance charges?? What about you? Weren’t you in America as well?

The detective blinked down at her phone with shock. So much has happened she was almost floored. She made a note to speak with her friends more often.

<haha yeah. About that…

<guys! I love you all but I don’t have long for my break! Naoto still needs to explain why she is coming to us for this case!

>Yes, My Apologies. It Would Seem There Has Been A String Of Missing Persons Cases, Three Of Which I Have Noticed A Trend That My Gut Is Telling Me The Other Two Cases Will Also Exhibit Once I Investigate The Crime Scene Of One Case.

<I heard of this. Nanako mentioned it to me the other day. one of her class mates’s older siblings knew the 3rd victim.

<How is nana-chan, Yu san?

<focus yukiko! I heard about these too. My teacher at the training camp is working on the case with you Naoto!

>Does That Mean You Are In Shibuya, Chie?

The detective sat up strait in her chair. She reached for a note pad and pen when her phone buzzed, Chie confirming her location and adding she would be visiting the district her office is in with said teacher (he had planned to surprise her she guessed, but the cat is out of the bag now).

<hey I know! Lets all meet up!

<yukiko, what about the Inn? And Kanji is in America. Plus Rise is on tour!

<my Tour is ending soon Yosuke kun!

<WHAT? But I didn’t get to see you on stage yet!

<I’m sorry, the last 3 stops had to cancel due to

>Rise?

<I just realized! The last 3 stops had to cancel because the kids of the venue owners went missing! oh no Naoto kun I think I know why you want our opinions! Is it because they went missing like people from the midnight channel went missing?

Naoto smiled grimly at her phone. Rise may have been a bubbly idol but she wasn’t dumb like morooka had implied she was (least that’s what one of Yoskue’s stories about the former home room teacher suggested).

>Yes. I Am Afraid There Seems To Be A Connection To The Victims That Feels Far Too Familiar To That Of The Midnight Channle.

<Holy shit.

<Naoto you said you were in Shibuya?

>Yes, That Is Where My Office Has Been For Two Years Now, Yu San.

<I can be there in a few days to discuss things face to face.

<I will not be joining. Yosuke kun is right, I can not leave the Inn. Not yet at least. If the case hasn’t been solved in a month I will be joining you! But I certainly hope you will be able to solve this soon. Those poor parents must me worried sick.

<I can swing by in two weeks, Naoto kun! And my break is over, love you everyone! Tty real soon!

<Count me out. Unfortunately I’m in America for the next year. I havn’t told you guys this, but I got invited to do a run way show a few months back and one of the companies loved my designs so much they offered me an internship.

<Kanji that’s amazing! You HAVE to make me an outfit some time!

<Rise go, you’re going to be late. As for me you know I will be there!

<sorry, I can’t swing the train ticket or plane ticket or… anything like that right now.

>Do You Need Me To Send You The Money? This Counts As Case Related So I Can Use The Funds The Department Has Granted Me.

<its not just that Naoto. I actually have to get going anyway, customer needs me. I Will explain another time.

<wow. Since when has yosuke been responsible?

<Chie have you never noticed his dedication?

<OF COURSE I HAVE! Its just. I don’t remember him putting anything before us. Shoot, he even let me buy teddie’s outfit with his money!

<hes an adult now. As we all have noticed we can’t put our friends first all the time anymore. As sad as that is, I am proud to see he is still dedicated to his work.

Naoto nodded at Yu’s words. She felt better about not speaking to anyone in such a long time and decided to make the notes she was beginning to make. First, to make arrangements for three of her friends to be a part of the case, and second… to visit the first victim’s home and investigate his computer.

“I certainly believe you are right Yukiko. Lets both hope we are able to solve this case before the Calvary is needed.”

--------------------------------------

meanwhile, in the world wide cognitive web, The Admins stood around, waiting on their leader. 

With a wave of her hand a blue room appeared. It was a box and it fit with the other random structures in the cognitive web. A door appeared with the number 5 on it. as everyone filed in Alpha paused and looked out at the ninja that was watching them a moment ago. Sure enough, he was still there, still watching, however now he looked ready to spring away into the artificial night the web was simulating.

“Alpha? [what are you doing?]” the rabbit poked its head out of the litteral chat room to become it’s partner inside.

She didn’t respond, she simply walked inside. Once the door was closed the 5 glowed for a moment before shifting to a 6. On the inside two couches and a coffee table appeared. J4k3 and Skitty took the one to the left while Click sat at the one at the back of the table. Alpha stood at the front and opened a text chat.

“whats with that? Were all here.” Skitty leaned forward and clawed at the table, testing the cutesy paws that appeared when she wasn’t thinking.

“that sillouete we all saw is Hero. He is a unofficial member of the Admins.” The toy rabbit leaped onto Alpha’s sholder as she moved the chat box to be at her right. “Alpha is allowing him to listen in if he wishes.”

“we figure hes mute since he doesn’t talk to us, but he has messaged us once. Is that what the chat is for? Incase he has something to say?” J4k3 gently took Skitty’s…paw? Hand? Into his to keep her from clawing the table any further.

With a nod their leader presented the group with the IP address she was able to trace.

“okay everyone! Since this is Skitty’s first meeting lets give a run down!” the rabbit hopped down onto the table and pulled up various floating documents. “our first rescue was ClickClickBoom, Alpha’s right hand man! He was support until I entered the web!” the star arcana explained as they puffed out their chest. “now I am support. I scan shadows and tell you their weaknesses.”

“shadows, Nyan?” Skitty tilted her head and click rolled his eyes.

“I’ll explain what shadows are if you agree to stop with the nyan stuff.”

“aww you’re no fun… but fine.” She purred as she leaned back in her seat and gave the youngest her full attention.

“Shadows are the manifestations of human hearts. There like personas, but bad. Your shadow can be your suppressed emotions, your over inflated ego, or even your inner darkness. They are always exaggerated tho.”

Skitty nodded “you explained that when I got Leomund. So all shadows are like that? Not just the ones that drag their other halves here?” the Magician turned from The Lovers and regarded the Fool, who simply nodded.

“Yup! They all have weaknesses, which means you also have weaknesses! We’ll figure those out later. Anyway, back to the meeting!” the rabbit sprang up and landed on a floating document.

“we have discovered that we have about a week to rescue someone. When you are dragged here you become data. Your shadow however starts to corrupt your data; if you become corrupted, your body can’t return to reality.” The air became somber as J4k3 leaned back.

“but even then we don’t know why some people can return and others can’t.” the Emperor reached out and tapped a floating file. The image of a chibi girl appeared. She smiled at the Admins and waved.

“This is Hallie. She was the team’s first rescue after me-“

“Rescue mission five!”

“-but like Gerade she became a data card instead of returning to reality.”

Hallie frowned and bowed her head. The robot reached out and hesitantly gave her a pat on the head. it wasn’t anyone’s fault she was like this.

“wait, so even if we save people they just become those cute tamagchi things? then whats the point!”

“its better then them becoming corrupted data.” Side Kick jumped up and flipped Hallie’s data card. “see? All of Hallie is right here. She is healthy and stable. She can return to reality once we figure out how to open her data card!”

The room felt warmer as click stood. “that’s our second job as Admins. We HAVE to figure out how to open the data cards and safely return the victims to reality.”

Alpha nodded and glanced at the text chat. there was a notification that a 6th persona had joined the chat room. She turned to the rest of her team. “Normally we have to trace the IP address that was used to access Cogntive.net, and then find a entry point. This takes a few days. At most 3. After that we track down the dungeon.” Alpha reached out and a map appeared. “These are the 9 dungeons we have found.” she grew silent to let Skitty look over the map when a block of pixels shifted to reveal a 11th dungeon. There was a ping and the Admins looked to the text chat to find a message.

Hero> I found a dungeon while you all were out. It was the “false alarm” you dismissed. I did not know dealing with the situation myself would affect the algorithm.

“Dude… you found a dungeon, took down a shadow, AND rescued someone in the span of a few minutes? That’s crazy!” J4k3 stood up to get a better view of the map.

“Hero, was the person… are they a data card?” Skitty also stood to look at the map better. There was another ping.

Hero> no, they will be assisting me. They insisted on it. You have two people on your side now.

Alpha nodded and went back to the map. “Any dungeon we encounter will become part of this map. However this is not a map of the cognitive web. The web is constantly changing. But when a new dungeon appears it rarely takes a day to travel to.”

Skitty blinked and her cat ears twitched. “you said “normally”. Does that mean this case is different? Is it going to be easier to find the dungeon?”

“yup!” click stood up and slammed his foot on the table, a wall of binary coming up. “since the victim used a public wi-fi we can just enter the IP address into the search engine and we’ll be teleported there! Public wi-fi isn’t password protected, that’s why you always gatta be careful when you’re using it, ya dig?” the motioned at the binary as it formed the cognitive net search engine, the IP already in the search bar.

“If we are ready, we can head out right now to save yuki mishima!” Side kick stated as the other gave their own affirmatives.

“one more thing!” Alpha stated as the chat room became barren again. “time is different here, Skitty. Don’t worry about things taking a week. Once we are in the dungeon it will feel like we’ve been in there for days, but in reality it had only been a few minutes.” She placed a hand on the cat themed idol’s shoulder. “are you ready to put your talents to good use?”

With a chestier grin she gave her leader a firm nod and The Admins were teleported away.

[selfawarenesscat1994]

accidental long post

i dont normally put trigger warnings but this post speaks a lot about food/binge eating. and i kinda just went off on one haha. talk of money.

im sitting in the office writing this at work cus my boss told me to do the holidays but im done but i need to vent, the store is abso quite and i just need some time to myself.

i have money! 

oh my god the relief. 

im still gonna be struggling til the end of this month but its not as bad as its been through jan which has been fucking HELL because ive obv been doing my manager job and having all this worry/stress ontop ov it.

i paid my rent +fee and i have enough to cover my bills! !!!!

i bought a bus pass but im gonna probably walk to work when the weather gets less horrible as i acctually didnt mind the walk after a while and i felt a lot fitter adding that exercise into my daily routine. before dropping out of uni, i got quite bad for being the type of person who would go to the gym once or twice a week and justify a lazy existence because of that. the bus is terrible but its the difference of walking 6 miles and being out of the house for like 12 hours a day or whatever and taking a 10 minute bus journey from straight outside my work almost to my front door. 

i ordered new earphones becus mine are not working. they were like 6 quid but so worth it. i went into my favourite cosmetic shop and got some nice stuff for my face as its got so flaky and dry and sore. i bought some new combs, not a great expense, no but the last thing on my list of cheap stuff when i didnt hve any money. my hair is short and tuggy and thisll help. i went into a cheaper cosmetics store and bought a lot of cheap shampoo/conditioner, sanitry products n whatnot. i never used to stockpile these so i ended up at the beginning of jan with nothing, i bought a cheap bar of soap for my body and used some of my flatmates stuff (but its expensive so i did it like once a week max). its so nice to have product. its something i never throught was something id miss cos theyre so essntial but i got to the point where i couldnt really afford them because i had bills going out and had to keep my money for other things.

the front door of the flat is drafty so i got the flat a draft exludor on the way. yay.

ive consumed more food/calories in the past day than i probably have in a couple of years - apart from at christmas. last night i bought a milkshake after work. it was thick and tasty and amazing. on my walk home i also bought a bottle of irn bru, which wasnt as good cus i forgot they changed the receipe but ive not drank fizzy drinks regularly in a 

i thought it was gonna be enough to fill me up but my body suddenly decided it really wanted to binge and treat myself.

i odered a med pizza with two sides and cookies when i got home from work. i just stuffed my face and ate it all. it was glorious. i went out with my flatmate a bit later and i bought quite a big shop with fresh food but also a lot of tinned/frozen things bcus i know i will be poor at the end of the month. i binged on salad items at like midnight. i ate two eggs, a whole freaking cucumber and pack of tomatoes, along with half a red pepper, a carrot, some spring onion and spinach. fresh food never felt so good. i had fruit and a bagel wiv creme cheese for my breakfast this morning. ive not had breakfast in about 6 months because when i started uni i got so stressed i couldnt eat in the morning and then i couldnt really afford to. and i gave myself some money today to get some lunch. i planned on buying one of those salad meal deals but i ended up at subway, i only got a 6 inch tough cos i think i may have died if i got anything bigger. i did however get 3 cookies on offer, ive only ate one as of yet but the other two are staring me down right now. i was so tempted to go to mcdonalds but i would have binged too hard. my poor stomach which i mentioned before had became a lot flatter probs due to lack of food/a lot of walking is so bloated.  i was wearing quite a loose fitting shirt to work and you can just see this big round boi now. customers will think im pregnant fuck me. but its a good bloat. but as i also mentioned ive gained a bit of weight and in the past 24 hours ive probably put on about a stone haha. i probably lost around three inches from my tummy in the past coupla months and now its about 6 inches rounder haha. 

i honestly dont regret it. i think if this was a regular thing and i did stuff like this a lot i would probably be different and feel horrible but it was great. i loved all this good food. 

im gonna go back to reasonable spending now/eating now. i have some spicy carrot soup i made a fortnight ago in the freezer so im gonna heat the rest of that up tonight for me and my flatmate, if i even feel up for eating and tomorrow i will probably enjoy a cheeky but healthy fruit salad for my working lunch.

sucks my brother took out a loan but im splitting his repayments and we can both afford to pay it off, im sure you can even pay it off wholly early (for a fee though) so i could even do that in a few months time cos i already know ill be due a tax refund, i paid so much tax @ my last jobs before i quit them for uni and ill be taxed here but i didnt earn over the threshold due to my break and il be due loadddss back, so we will see.

im gonna donate at the end of the month to some people on here, im not gonna really examine who ‘deserves it most’ and just do it randomly tbh. thanks to the people who donated to me, it e a lot but it did help as i mentioned before.

sidenote below

sidenote - i dont have an eating disorder. i just binged today and yesterday because ive not been able to enjoy the food i like. 

ive always had a bit of a weird relationship with food because ive never been thin and have had some disordered tendancies but nothing thats effected my overall health massively. ive been on countless diets thrughout my life. i dont particularly act like that anymore cos it can be dangerous. id only go on a ‘diet’ if my health was really bad, if i was terribly overweight or if another health condition made me alter my diet. ive also a lot of reckless times where ive just not thought about what ive eat... queue the time i ate a whole selection box and half a tub of ben and jerries for my lunch or the time i only ate a loaf and a half of bread in a day and though ‘ah this is enough calories its fine’. but i think thats moreso bpd. if ive been having a bad time with my mental health i wont care about whats being put in my body. but its not been driven through a desrie to be thinner/bigger ever.

 ive been poor recently and not been living on the best of foods (will probably explain why ive gained weight) but i have been mostly cooking from scratch using frozen meat/fish/veg and tined foods (thank god for bootstrap cooking, am i right???), on occasion i bought fresh veg or meat but thats it. the rest of the food i was eating when i was poor and well still will be eating for the next month was and i try to limit this because i know its really unhealthy has been instant ramen/noodles/soups/rice, breaded frozen meat and frozen garlic bread and chips. snackwise its been like those 10p packs of buiscuits and ive also been baking when i can mostly using my flatmates stuff. if my flatmate was making food and had excess id sometimes have some if she offered but thats been it.

[regents-hidden-artblog]

Cause and Effect

Almost everything was in place. The livingroom was set up to give my eventual guests a nice, comfortable circle of seats around the center of the room. All that was missing was the guests themselves.

I was anxious about the ordeal, not out of uncertainty of whether or not my plan would work, but rather out of uncertainty as to who would object. Everyone has known for a long time now that I was unhappy with my life, even after having reformed myself and made friends of old enemies.

But, this plan to change my life was simultaneously both grandiose and unfathomably dangerous. The mere thought of it alone is enough to reinforce the distrust for Lords, but the one thing I have at least been comfortable with in my time here has been toeing the line between good and bad practice.

Which is why I knew that Dizmar's immediate response to it would be "no". It was one thing to practice my Mind powers without concern for morality, but tampering with causality itself was, to him, an abhorrent thought.

So it was a surprise to me that when someone knocked at the door, I opened it to be greeted by Dizmar himself, flanked by the rest of my guests.

"Hey Roasin.~*" He said with his typical charm.

"--- Ah, hello Diz. Come right in." I invited, stepping out into the middle of the room. "Pardon my saying, but, I'm surprised you came."

"Well, I guess it couldn't really be helped." He shrugged, taking an open loungechair, "You're a little too stubborn for your own good, so I thought I should at least be here to make sure you get out of it okay."

Everyone filed into the room, taking a seat. Athene took a chair next to Dizmar, while Laksmi, Circe, and Aphros took to the couch. I sat down and crossed my legs on the floor, taking a few breaths to steady myself.

"--- So, then, any questions before we begin?"

Circe raised her hand, her expression unusually cool.

"one, you sure thisll work," she leaned on the arm of the couch, settling into her seat, "not to cast doubt on you or anything, just, messing with the past is a pretty big thing"

"--- I have absolute confidence in my plan." I asserted, "It will work."

":: 4nd will we be 4ffected?" Laksmi asked. "Will we still know you for you, or will we know you for who you 4re 4fter the ch4nge?"

"--- That is why you five are here. If I make a change, you'll have the true events impressed in your minds."

"--- My apologies in advance, Dizmar." I added.

"It's...A necessary evil."

":: So we'll still know the re4l you?" She asked again, a modest look of concern in her eyes.

"--- Yes. You'll know me for all my faults."

To that, she nodded her assent.

After a brief pause, I motioned for Athene to sit on the floor across from me. "--- If there's no more concerns, I'd like to get started. Athene?"

The Tyrian left her seat, and gingerly knelt down on the floor.

"is there anything specific i sh()uld d()?" she asked, glancing briefly at Dizmar.

"--- I'll give you mental instructions as we go." I assured her, as I began focusing my thoughts.

I concentrated, connecting my mind with Athene's, and used that bridge to help her create a window into my past. The image was displayed almost like a holographic diorama, and everyone in the room saw it clearly.

A three-way showdown. Alastair II stood with his bow drawn, leveled at my head. Alice stood a few feet beside him, her stance diplomatic, almost pleading. And I stood confidently at the back of the room, proud and certain of what I was doing.

"We Know You've Been Working With The Black Queen, Roasin." Alice said, "We Just Don't Know Why. Are You Sabotaging Her Army? Preparing Derse For A Revolt?"

"--- I'm being taught the depth of my power. I can win for us." I answered. Alastair sneered from behind his bow.

"and yet something tells me you have no intention to win with us." He said, keeping his aim steady. "you haven't helped us at all, let alone spoken with anyone. why should we believe you're on our side?"

Alice's heart was racing, and Alastair's temper was rising. They were both prepared for everything to go so, so wrong.

"--- It's simple. I'm either with Alice, or I lose." I couldn't help but chuckle at the surety of it. "Even the Black Queen must certainly know I'm against her."

"is it really that simple for you, Roasin? that you help us, or you lose?"

"Al..." Alice murmured, trying to calm her brother down.

"--- It's exactly how you said when we first met. We stand together, or die alone."

"How Long Have You Been Working With Her?"

"--- Long enough to know her plans, and how to defuse them."

"And...How Much Has She Told You About Your Potential?"

There was a moment's hesitation when she asked that question. A slight twinge of dread, that I might know too much.

"--- Everything." I answered. I had hoped that they would trust me, that my surety would let them know that I was their ally, and that I would be true to my word.

"I See...Alastair..." Her voice trailed off, and her brother nodded. The fatal arrow was loosed, and in an instant that felt like years, I was killed.

"that's that loose end dealt with." Alastair said as he walked away, giving my death no ceremony.

Alice stayed behind, her heart withering at the sight of my dead body. She had hoped and prayed that it wouldn't come to this, and her hope availed her nothing.

"I'm...Sorry, Roasin..." she whispered, tears welling in her eyes. "I Had No Other Choice..."

Three threads drifted from the vision, which only I could see. While they spun outwards and spiralled into many  other smaller events, each thread was tied to a singular snapshot that held the greatest influence on each decision.

Through Athene's shared Time powers, I was able to follow them chronologically, and the most recent event tied to my death was my time spent working for the Black Queen. Branching off from it were little moments - lies and misdirections to build up my pride, the stepping stones that put her schemes into motion.

But the most prominent event was when I had agreed to join the Black Queen, however temporarily. The purple streets of Derse were devoid of life, save two figures; the carapacian queen, and the troll who would work for her.

"You are destined for greatness, Roasin." She said, her voice icy and level. "Your friends are completely unaware of the power you possess."

"--- How do I know you're not just leading me on?" I asked, keeping my distance. I knew better than to trust people who played on the 'untapped potential' deal.

"Because," she began, almost hissing the words, "I precede you in this place. I know things that you would otherwise have to work for."

"--- Such as...?"

"Your roles in the Game. And yours, Roasin..." She stepped closer, maintaining a stance that was threatening and regal in equal measure. "Is to determine the end of it."

I barked an unsuppressed laugh. "--- Hah - me? A detestable lowlife, from a gods-forsaken backwater - destined for greatness, to determine the outcome of this game?"

The Queen was unamused.

"Work with me, and I will help you unlock your potential. And with it, you can be their greatest asset, or their greatest enemy."

"--- And I have a choice in the matter? I can simply spit, turn around, and leave you with your promises of power?"

"That is indeed an option." Her tone hadn't changed since the conversation began, and I got the impression that she was either being truthful, or was a master at maintaining a facade.

I considered her words for a moment. Was she truly giving me the option to turn down her offer? The streets were barren, and I knew there was nobody hiding in the alleyways or bridges overlooking the road. I checked everywhere, and we were the only ones here.

I started walking up the road, towards the violet palace that dominated the horizon. The Black Queen followed behind me, quickly matching my pace. Her expression was plain and cold - there was no joy in my choice, and no hatred for the hassle I gave, either.

"--- So...Tell me again about my role in things to come."

The days and weeks and months that followed were filled with work, toil, and lies...And some truths. That I would be powerful, and dangerous, and so great would my influence be that I could determine if my team succeeded, if they failed, or if I alone would stand to claim the new universe.

And those months planted the seed of pride in my mind, causing me to appear more of a threat than I truly was.

I followed the threads to the next major event, watching as opportunities to work with my teammates slipped by, ignored by an ignorant mage with a desire to work alone. And the greatest event in the thread started to unfold in everyone's minds, as Alice introduced me to her family.

We had gathered in Alastair II's home - a private gathering reserved solely for myself and the Winchesters. Fable lounged around sideways in an armchair, glancing up at me with a bored expression on her face. Alastair himself had rounded the corner in the hallway, with his younger sister Rowan trailing behind him.

Rowan had been the one to answer the door, and was the only one besides Alice whose expression was pleasant. Alastair had a more relaxed but uneasy look about him. He had heard about me - the lonesome scholar who showed promise.

He was uncomfortable in general with the odd mages and occultists Alice tended to associate with, and his discomfort was amplified knowing that I was born on the savage world of Avalon. He knew that a loner like myself could be a threat, with how dangerous and prone to backstabbing people on Avalon were.

"hey Alice. and, uh..." Alastair began, stumbling over his greeting.

"Roasin." Alice added, raising her arms to introduce me. "Roasin Volyat."

"hello Roasin," her brother amended, motioning to the various chairs that dotted the room. "feel free to take a seat."

I sat, taking a chair closest to the door. Old habits die hard, and I nevertheless shared a mutual discomfort with Alastair.

"so, Roasin, did Alice explain why we brought you here?" He asked, taking a seat and a cautious glance at my mentor.

"--- Not really, no."

"I Forgot."

"We're screening you, basically." Fable piped in, still lazily draped over her seat.

"--- Screening?" I asked.

Alastair glared at her, silently admonishing her nonchalance. "yes, um...see, as you know, we've all been brought into...well, wherever we are."

"--- It isn't home, that's for certain."

"right. so," he continued, "as it stands, we have to work together to figure out where we are, and how to survive here. and since you were one of the few who were brought with us here, I figured it would be wise to try and enlist your help."

"--- And yet, you don't trust me."

"That's Not True." Alice said.

"Not really, no." Fable commented. Alastair cast another sideways glance at her, and she shrugged in response.

"I don't fully trust you, I'll give that much, but I want to work to fix that with you." He stared at me calmly. He was ready to trust anyone that he or his sisters would know, given the dire straits.

"--- Well, why don't you trust me?"

"I have difficulty trusting most of Alice's comrades, speaking honestly." He answered, "no disrespect to either of you, but she has a habit of associating with dangerous and unseemly mages."

"None Taken."

"--- Including Orsmis?" I asked, pressing for clearer answers.

"yes, even Orsmis. he's amicable, but talking to the dead is...problematic, for lack of better words."

"--- So was he 'screened'?"

"I-. no? not yet."

"--- So I'm a special case. Why's that?" I asked, my temper rose, my voice quickened. Fable sat upright in her seat.

"Al, you can bitch at me later, but i'm gonna break it to him cleanly." She said, leaning back against her seat and folding her arms.

"We know orsmis." She explained, "he's elysian, born in isonade. he's alice's right-hand man, for father's sake. but you? you're from avalon. no offense, but your people are more dangerous than half of amarok sober."

Alastair deflated as Fable told me exactly what I was. "You're an unspoken threat, roasin. we wanna make sure that you're actually on our side."

I sat back, appraising each of the Winchesters - including my mentor Alice. Fable's expression had changed - she was serious, but she didn't relish in telling me this. Alice's face was a mask, as though she had no intention to intervene.

Alastair's diplomatic mien gave way to a sullen frown, and even Rowan's smile shifted to a confused neutrality.

"--- That's it, then? You distrust me because I'm a sorceror from the planet that can barely survive?" I asked. I was hysterical at how easy it was for Elysians to alienate me.

"we want to trust you." Rowan said finally, her voice meek and cautious. "we wouldn't have brought you here if we didn't want to work with you."

"she's right." Alastair added, his spirits lifting a little with her reminder of their goal. "Fable may have put things too bluntly. we're not screening you, so much as we're trying to learn more about you, and warm up to you."

"we have to work together, Roasin. you may have been born on Avalon, but you're Elysian at heart. and when the gods give Elysians adversity, we stand together, or we die alone."

"We Don't Want You To Be Alone, Roasin." Alice added, her expression as soft as her words. "Please, Give Us A Chance?"

I waited. I thought. I closed my eyes, and gave my answer. "--- Well. I want to be alone."

Everyone's head except Fable's sunk, crestfallen. "--- It's admirable that you want to trust me, but you should have tried doing so from the start. Alice, I'm going home."

I stood up, and left the house, curtly closing the door behind me.

That act of selfishness and contempt was what gave Alastair reason to distrust me. The fact that I had never interacted with him between then and my execution worsened the situation, furthering the divide between him and I.

I worked my way through the traceries of time and action that led to my death even further, coming to rest on a small scene, one which held little significance to me, but made the world of difference to someone else.

"Roasin! Lunch Is Ready!"

Alice stood in the hallway, alone, away from the rest of her friends, who supped at a table while discussing events or learnings. She stood in front of a door, with a placard bearing my name on it. She held a tray with two plates, with the same warm meal on both of them, flanked by tall glasses of water.

A lunch tray meant for two. She had intended to spend time with me, talking, eating, learning. A warmth welled in her heart as she watched the door expectantly.

I opened the door, gave a furtive "thank you", and took my lunch to eat alone.

Alice's heart sank, but she stayed hopeful. She sat on the ground, crossing her legs, and ate her lunch outside my room. "Someday, Roasin..." she thought to herself, "Someday I'll Get To Know You Better."

Her interest in me never faded, but her hope would inevitably turn to fear when my solitary tendencies put me in a position that threatened her team and her family.

Those three events held the greatest influence over my death and eventual becoming a pariah. I focused on the consequences of rewriting each - had I opened up to Alice, she would vouch for me further, but I would betray her, and cast her and her family aside to claim victory.

I could have accepted Alastair's offer of friendship and comraderie, but that would have closed off my ability to work with the Black Queen and ultimately save the session.

And I could have declined the Black Queen's offer, but that alone would have left me to fend for myself, with no allies, and a litany of enemies.

But if I changed everything, rewriting my story from scratch, I could avoid all the pain and suffering that was caused by siding with the Black Queen.

Just as I was about to start working on my new history, a small thread caught my attention - it wasn't tied to any of the three events directly, but rather, tied to my death. It was a future consequence of my execution, shrinking away, but almost inviting me to look.

So I did. I looked into the future, and withheld the vision from everyone else. After all, they surely knew it already, so what was the point?

But in my mind, I saw it unfold. I sat, cross-legged on a couch littered with papers detailing the powers of the Mind-bound. I seethed with an uncontrolled want to become stronger. And then she entered the room.

":: Hey there!"

Laksmi leaned over the arm of the couch, being careful not to crumple any notes. She approached me warmly. I warned her against talking to me. I warned her that I was dangerous, and a pariah, and a threat to anyone who dared cross my path.

And she didn't care. She shrugged off the danger and captivated me. She kept talking to me because I was dangerous. She was interested in me because I was a threat.

And she took all of my animosity away, her love and earnestness tempering my hatred into ambition and longing. She made me want her, and I changed for the better because of her.

Through her charms, I was remade. Through her love, I was given purpose. Through her kindness, I worked to rebuild the trust that I once forsook.

Realization dawned on me. If I rewrote my past, I would inevitably write Laksmi out of my present and future. I wouldn't become dangerous, I wouldn't become a pariah, and Laksmi would have no reason to redeem me.

I closed my eyes, and focused on the traceries of time before me, the interconnected web of events that made up my life, and with a bright flash, my connection with Athene ended. Everyone in the room was dizzy, confused, and worried.

"did it work" Circe asked.

":: Wh4t h4ppened?" Laksmi followed.

"Roasin?"

"--- It's done."

There was a moment of silence, which Laksmi was the first to break.

":: So...Wh4t's different?"

"--- For me, everything."

"But for everyone else?" Dizmar asked, worried about the implications.

"--- Everything is the same for them."

"S(), y()u changed n()thing." Aphros said.

"why"

"--- Because...I really couldn't." I moved over, taking Laksmi's hand. "Not for lack of trying, but because if I did, I'd lose something that I wouldn't trade the universe for."

Laksmi smiled, understanding immediately. Everyone else remained confused, though Aphros and Dizmar held a pleasant smile regardless.

"So, you're okay now?~*" My kismesis asked hopefully.

"--- More than okay. I'm better than I've ever been."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"--- I hate to end this so unceremoniously, but, if I may, I'd like to spend some time with Laksmi."

"That's fine. I need to nurse this headache, anyway.~*"

"--- Sorry about that, again."

Everyone save Laksmi waved or said their goodbyes, with Aphros planting a quick kiss on my cheek before leaving. In a flash of emerald light, they were gone.

":: So..." Laksmi began playfully, teasing me with the words. "You put forw4rd 4ll this time 4nd effort, this work, prep4r4tion, 4nd convincing everyone to let you ch4nge your p4st, 4ll to ch4nge nothing 4t 4ll..."

":: Bec4use of me." She looked me in the eyes, her own twinkling with glee.

"--- What can I say? You're worth everything to me."