#i have committed myself to being somewhat annoying on tumblr

[ourlordapollo]

It's me boy I'm the ADHD speaking to you inside your brain leave your t'ai chi practice we don't need it come with me and devote all your time and energy to learning kendo

[scoopsahoy]

something that a lot of people don't talk about it the natural human reaction to seeing horrors on their timeline. when you're raised in an unempathetic society - be it your family, community, government, etc. - and you have done your damnedest to unlearn that, sometimes what you were taught growing up seeps through despite your best efforts.

for example, i decided to log into tumblr dot com just now to see what funnies were being posted, only for my entire timeline to be Palestine-related. there are incredible resources and information here, but my immediate thought was "damn I just wanted to see some funny posts" as if I was dismissing all of it for my benefit.

catching myself thinking that was horrifying. i'll admit, i wasn't the most educated on what Israel has been doing to Palestine for almost a century until somewhat recently. i was living in ignorance, but I've done everything I can to educate myself on the history. but there's no way to know it all, because there's an endless slew of horrific acts committed against Palestinians by Israel, and I'm sure half of it is undocumented.

but wanting to get away from seeing horrors on your timeline is only human. it's all I see on twitter, Instagram, tiktok, etc. rightfully so. and catching myself essentially getting annoyed at this stuff made me ashamed of myself, as what I felt in those two seconds is incomparable to what people in Palestine are experiencing every second of every day.

i don't really know what the point of this post is, maybe just to talk about what's on my mind. maybe it's to hold myself accountable for having self-centering thoughts on an issue that has nothing to do with me. I'm not sure.

keep in mind that it's okay to need a break from seeing war crimes happening in front of your face, but you should never dismiss it. realize that even if you click off to not look at it, it's still happening, and you should still expose yourself to it - if not for the sole purpose of educating yourself and knowing what's happening.

i don't know if anyone has read this far, but if you have, stay safe.

FREE PALESTINE.

[afriendtokilltime]

Okay, fine. Let’s talk about parasocial relationships.

The term “parasocial” has been making the rounds as a very very smart sounding thing to say. It not only establishes that you know an unusual and complex word, but also that you are too smart to fall for marketing tactics, and that you are much too cool to show enthusiasm for anything!

So, what’s a parasocial relationship? It’s a one-sided relationship with a celebrity or fictional character--the entire relationship takes place in your head. You’re reading this on tumblr, which means you have lots of parasocial relationships. You’re very parasocially popular! Maybe you even have one with me. (Probably not, I stopped posting for a long time, so we probably don’t parasocially know one another at all.)

I first encountered this term being used as an inherently bad thing, something to avoid, as though the term referred to the negative version of itself. What I saw was not people explaining why it can be harmful, but speaking as if we all know it is (the way you’d use “alcoholism”).

I see people carefully watching themselves to make sure they aren’t engaging in a “parasocial relationship,” or referring to a behavior they don’t like as “borderline parasocial relationship behavior.” But, there is no such thing as “relationship behavior” other than closing the psychological distance between yourself and another person. “Parasocial relationship behavior” is doing this, but it’s one-sided. You get closer, and they do not. That’s it. That’s the only thing. Does that mean building a shrine to Kristen Stewart? Does it mean crying with joy at Hbomberguy’s Mermaids/Donkey Kong stream? Does it mean writing a 100k fanfiction about Hermione Granger, Vampire Slayer? Does it mean buying a David Bowie CD? Does it mean begging the show writers to finally make that queerbaity relationship canon? Does it mean killing the president? You decide! 

Becoming psychologically closer to people and characters is not inherently unhealthy, whether they know who you are or not. How you treat them and respond to that closeness, and how they choose to cultivate closeness, can of course be unhealthy...but so can reciprocal relationships.

What’s weird to me is that we generally seem to be aware that there are bad and good (healthy and unhealthy) relationships. I have a good relationship with @randomshoes because we support each other, are interested in each others’ success, spend quality time together, and communicate well. If I was to stalk her or kill a president for her, or if she was to abuse my trust and take all my money while falsely assuring me she loved me, our relationship would be somewhat less healthy. 

So, what’s so bad about parasocial relationships?

They don’t actually care about you and they are taking your money.

If a marketing team/a celebrity uses these relationships to prey on vulnerable people, that might be an abusive relationship...in the other direction. If I manipulate a friend I know out of her money, I’m the bad guy, right? But if I’m famous, and she’s 16, and I knowingly manipulate her out of her money, then she’s the bad guy, because teenage girls are dumb and they should feel bad for ever liking anything, forming identities, feeling attraction, or basically being uncool and childish in any way.

It is definitely a good idea to remember that transactions are a part of how art is usually consumed, and not to express your affection or deep identification with an art/artist by spending lots of money on tee shirts that depict them. However, even this type of interaction can be encouraged in a healthy, positive way.  Patreon seems to really make people mad, but it’s not the worst system for artists who Live in A Society and don’t happen to have any lembas laying around. “I’ll pretend to love you so you can make me a millionaire” seems kinda gross but “I appreciate that your support helps me continue making the art you love” kinda sorta does not.

Some people go too far and commit heinous crimes because they expect their parasocial affections to be reciprocated.

Those crimes would be heinous even in an already reciprocal relationship. (I  already mentioned this, but if I committed terrorism for my very real girlfriend who knows exactly who I am, that would probably make me no better or worse than Hinkley.)

You’re an isolated loser and need real friends.

Okay. Anybody pouring all their energy into one relationship is probably not doing life correctly, regardless of how parasocial that relationship is. But this is a point on which I simply do not agree. People engage in these behaviors regardless of how wide their friend circle is. If not with celebrities, then with fictional characters, or even historical or political figures (think more “little father” than “senator” though what you do with that Bernie Sanders picture in your room is between you and God). Oh speaking of God, relationships with religious figures might arguably have some similarities and speak to the same human tendency, but there is of course the difference that Justin Bieber doesn’t know who TF you are, but God does.

Uh, sorry, you didn’t address my point. Forming parasocial relationships stops you developing real relationships.

I actually think it encourages reciprocal socialization. I didn’t have many friends growing up. When I met two other kids who were obsessed with Harry Potter, we bonded over that, making up our own characters (next generation type of BS...still better than the book 7 epilogue), and this formed the basis of a friendship that lasted basically my entire pubescence. These parasocial relationships are generally part of a broader interest, and interests and hobbies help you meet people, break the ice, and uhm...form real relationships.

It’s not just interests, though. I was hardcore into dinosaurs as a kid. Literally every child likes dinosaurs, but that didn’t help me form any new friendships. The other reason I think parasocial relationships lead to better real relationships is...practice. You are engaging in social behaviors, whether or not you’re any good at them, whether or not you succeed. This is what’s required to learn any new skill, but it’s generally discouraged.

You don’t just learn about how to socialize, you also learn about yourself. You develop a sense of identity and learn what you like and dislike by associating yourself with favorite characters.

Children and teens often imitate their behaviors, and though that can be a bit annoying (why yes I do have the Spanish Inquisition sketch memorized but thanks for repeating it to make sure I got it), it also helps them figure out what kind of people they want to be (maybe you want to be funny, so you over time learn that what made Monty Python so funny was surprise, surprise and fear, and you develop comedic timing). Knowing what kind of person you want to be is important.

Right, but it’s selfish. You keep calling it “one sided” which it literally is. There’s no checks on your behavior.

Right. I think that’s good, though? I think it’s good for people to sometimes do selfish things. I think it’s good to cultivate parasocial relationships because they are a way to self-soothe, and get your own needs met, without burdening others. We are social creatures, and we absolutely need relationships, but nobody owes you a relationship. Nobody owes you affection or love. Having a way to cultivate that for yourself is actually incredibly valuable.

It’s worth commenting here that I think my strongest parasocial relationships are probably with characters I’ve made up myself. They are “a part of me” in that they are always there in my life, but unlike some writers, I do not base characters on myself or see them as reflecting specific parts of me. I relate to them in the same way I relate to Harry Potter, except that I was the one who made them up initially, and books I write about them can be published and I can make money off them. (On some theoretical plane of existence.) It’s pretty clear that I am the one doing all the work on both sides of this particular parasocial relationship, but it doesn’t feel super different to me than the fact I very intensely relate to certain characters not made up by me. I don’t conceive myself dating one of them, like I don’t have a Dorothy L. Sayers thing going on, but I don’t really think it would be wrong if I did.

What do you mean not being a burden on others? What about toxic fans putting pressure on creators?

Yeah...that’ll be in the “unhealthy relationship” category. But, okay, I guess where I am ending up here is I do think it’s good to recognize parasocial relationships exist and talk about them, because it reminds you that even if a relationship is not reciprocal, you do have responsibilities. If the other person is real, that means they are only human, and even if you have no choice but to stan, you should give them some breathing space. The Shinji Ikari ContraPoints in my head can be my super close friend, but if I expect the real Natalie Wynn to give me any more energy than she already does to her entire audience by making the awesome videos I enjoy so much, I’d be really rude, demanding, and honestly not worthy of her friendship if it was “real.”

Parasocial relationships are relationships which means, just like with reciprocal ones, you have to not be a dick. You have to respect the other person and recognize they are a human being separate from you. Even with characters, Harry Potter can’t be hurt by anything weird and demanding you do, but Rowling could, and so could other HP fans, so respect is still important. If it’s not already clear, I strongly disagree with people who suggest fanfiction is disrespectful, so.

If you understand that your relationship is abstracted, and that you do not deserve any kind of reward for all the energy and love that you pour into it...then enjoy your parasocial relationship, because it is absolutely normative, human, and can bring great joy and meaning into your life. In fact, almost all of what I just said applies to reciprocal relationships, too.

[bonesandblood-sunandmoon]

Growth (& sharing a poem)

CoA prompt for Jan 2020 - “New” [Call for Submissions]. As of this post [Jan 9th], the Carnival of Aros WP hasn’t released its Call for Submissions link, so the link is to the direct post from @aro-neir-o.

The poem was not written by me, but @opaline-words (link and poem provided below the cut).

1) New things you have learned since discovering aromanticism (about yourself, about aromanticism, about other arospec people, about the queer community in general, etc.).

I’m not sure to what extent having to interact with family that involves re-closeting myself has created a temporary and/or artificial split in how I approach aspects of my identity. I don’t necessarily combine gender musings with aro musings, for example, and especially when it’s far more obvious in my daily life while closeted on the gender front, I just don’t prioritize finding out I’m under the aro umbrella in the same way that other aro bloggers seem to. Maybe it’s the fondness for sideblogs where they’ve made the choice to prioritize their aroness in that space, but I alternate feeling like a lurker and feeling like I’m intruding where I don’t belong. It’s not quite as dire or pessimistic as the phrase ‘rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic’ suggests, but I guess I’m at a stage where other things have to take a higher priority for now.

I’m not trying to get some sort of reassurance that I can include myself in the aro community with this. (I figure someone would’ve asked me to stop writing submissions for the Carnival of that were the case.) It’s more that I’ve realized that not every group or community is made up of 200% committed Ride Or Die people, even if said group is considered young and relatively smaller than more established groups. I’m under the aro umbrella, but as an example, I’m just not going to be at the forefront of aro community leadership or education efforts. I don’t have the time, energy, or in-person capabilities for certain types of community building like that, y’know?

2) New things you have learned since interacting with the aro community (about yourself, about aromanticism, about other arospec people, about the queer community in general, etc.).

It’s mildly annoying when I interact with an allo-allo person who assumes that something I’m doing platonically is romantic, but I have to work on stopping myself from reacting too quickly (out of a place of hurt) when aros do it. I’m afraid a somewhat public post about my perspective of greyro included that type of a knee-jerk reaction, but I’m hoping to do better in 2020.

3) New experiences you’ve had since learning about aromanticism and/or discovering your own aromanticism (e.g., new types of relationships, new types of feelings, new vocabulary that you found described you, new conversations you’ve had with others).

Confession: When I was first trying to figure out if I was somewhere under the aro umbrella at all, I came up with a term that I felt encompassed my specific experience. It kinda, sorta has overlap with a few other terms that I’ve seen a few times (definitely not often), but I’ve honestly never felt like sharing that term would actually accomplish anything in the aro community. It might lead to someone creating a flag or something, but I just don’t see it catching on or being helpful.

Other: I really like the idea of crafting a relationship through collaboration with my friends (not related to QPPs or waverships, but inspired by that level of intent to talk about where the friendship may be going), and I know at least a few of them have already figured out some of amatonormativity’s side effects. Occasionally, some aro vent posts come across like alloromantics are fine and peachy with amatonormativity, but from a personal level, a few of my friends are frustrated with the unevenness towards valuing friendship, too. It’s just that picking up on this doesn’t actually counteract amatonormativity or make any sort of relationship maintenance easier in the face of it. And as much as certain posts have gone around saying that the aro community digs in deeper and more in-depth into discussions about amatonormativity, relationship conventions, and whatnot, it’s not exactly easy trying to figure out how to talk about this with people outside of the aro community.

4) New aro or aro-coded content you have come across that you want to share or critique.

A poem titled “what does love feel like?” by @opaline-words [link to original tumblr post]. For those who don’t want to open a new tab or window, the poem is shared below.

what does love feel like?

is it the wit or the whimsy;

the pull or the repulsion;

the handle or the edge

of the knife?

you walk through the dog park

devoid of dogs,

or

you walk yourself to the car

in the rain,

and

you have no idea.

you can’t remember

or

you never knew.

One of the first things I told my friend, ~opaline-words, after this poem crossed my dash back in Oct 2019 was that it had aro vibes. From the first stanza: “what does love feel like?” (literally one of the first discussion points that questioning aro folks go through), “the pull or the repulsion” (romance repulsion or lack thereof), and “the handle or the edge | of the knife?” (the interplay of societal expectations around romantic love hurting aros versus feeling like you’re hurting and/or manipulating people).

From the second stanza: “the dog park | devoid of dogs”, which I think resonates with feeling the distinct lack of what’s expected, and for those struggling with feeling like a social failure, a feeling that gets into purposelessness. However, I would caution against a depressing interpretation of uselessness in “you walk through the dog park” because a dog park isn’t necessarily restricted from humans walking through it. I can see a certain kind of repurposing or twisting of conventions that reads more like the greyro or otherwise spectrum/umbrella portion of the aro community.

From the third stanza: “you can’t remember | or | you never knew”, which makes a certain part of inner-me go chef’s kiss. I personally resonate with feeling like I’ve ‘lost’ my ability to detect romantic attraction, and while I could write down memories of crushes in November’s CoA post (an extent of literal memory remains), I do feel like a certain part of me can’t remember how to decipher romantic attraction. I can’t say that it’s a universal aro experience, but I figure it may also resonate with others. I can more clearly see the aro feels for the ending thought “you never knew” and the last line of the second stanza “you have no idea”, particularly for the aromantics who haven’t experienced romantic attraction (handle/end-case).

I don’t want to say that this is the only reading of ~opaline-word’s poem that anyone can have, but I had to get the initial impressions out of my system, and I wanted to have some context for why I’m reblogging this poem in the latter half of February and including an aro tag on it.

[wolfpawn]

Once Bitten Twice Shy Chapter 16

Previous Chapter

Chapter Summary -  It's time for Marks wedding and Tom is Paige's date, but with the tension between them, they are finding it hard to work through things.

Tag, @wolfsmom1 @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @damalseer @nonsensicalobsessions  @standing-onthe-edge @hiddlesbitch1

anyone else who wishes to be added to the tags, just ask :)

a/n plese note that Tumblr has not been allowing my tags to inform those tagged that I h ave tagged them so you may have accidentally missed a chapter. 

Paige looked at the RSVPs in front of her. Marks wedding was just a few days away. She felt incredibly awkward. Tom was to be her date for it, as would be expected since they were supposedly dating, the only issue was, he was now going to be in a lot of the family photographs and with New York just around the corner, the deal would be coming to an end.

She tried to talk it over with Mark but he dismissed it all with a mere joke.

“You said you were considering paying someone to be your escort for the evening, this way, you save money,” He had jested.

“Mark, Mum will force him to be in some the photos.”

“What does it matter? No, really. He is not ugly, even I can see that as another guy, you like his company and it’s not like there’s going to be some big ugly break up in the end, right?”

In all honesty, she could not argue his logic. “Still…”

“What is the deal, Paigey, you are all bothered about this.” Mark eyed her carefully. “Is it more than you say it is?”

“What do you mean?”

“Is there actually something more to you and your ‘Rear of the Year’ ass candy? That’s what I am asking. Have you two gone past pretending you were just a one night stand that got blown farcically out of proportion and become an actual couple?”

“No, why would we?”

“I don’t know, maybe because you literally are completely in love with him, maybe, just a hunch.” Mark watched his sister’s reaction.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Paige, you have always been the worst liar. I say that with love.” She turned to walk away from him. “What is so wrong with admitting it?”

“There’s nothing to admit.”

“So you don’t love him?”

“He’s a great guy.”

“You know that’s not what I am talking about, Paige. What are you so frightened to admit, what is so terrifying about admitting it?”

“What if he does it too?”

Mark took a step back. He thought his sister was being foolish, trying to simply act as though it was not as serious as it was, but seeing her with tears in her eyes, her words all but yelled in sincerity, that startled him. “Paige…”

“I know he’s not Derek, I know it. I say it to myself over and over but my brain just goes back to that night, to that feeling of everything crashing to the ground again and I never want to feel that way again. I never want to allow myself feel that way again. I don’t. He sees beautiful women every day, throwing themselves at him at his play and everything. I can’t compete with that. It would be only a matter of time before someone better would come, then I would have wasted more time and be burnt again and for what?”

“You don’t know that.”

“I don’t want to know that. I rather not find out.”

“Then you risk never being happy.”

“I am happy.”

“Are you, Paige? Can you look me in the eye and tell me your dreams of a family have changed, that you feel like it doesn’t matter now?”

“Things change, Mark.”

“Not those things, not that much.” He shook his head. “He’s a great guy and he makes you happier than I have ever seen you. Stop pretending otherwise and enjoy his company. You clearly like him and he likes you so I really can’t see why you would beat around this when both of you have the potential to be happy together.”

“He doesn’t...”

“Yes, he does.” Mark insisted. “Look, I asked him already and he said he was coming, so if you want to cancel his invite, you can be the one to tell him, because I’m not going to, okay?” He got to his feet and looked sadly at his sister. “Paige, we don’t all get second chances, Dad was lucky. You are not going to find too many men that well suited to you, it’s not mathematically possible for them to all be in your age range, in this part of the world, and available so don’t waste this opportunity to make yourself happy. Learn from Dad’s lesson. I am not risking Fiona, she is the best thing in my life. You do the same. He is your Fiona and if you are too dumb to realise that, then someone else will come along and snap him up because as far as men go, he’s a great catch and where will that leave you?” He left the room, hoping to have gotten her to realise how well suited she and Tom were.

*

Tom checked his suit was tidied and not at risk of creasing on the hanger.

He didn’t know why Mark was so adamant he go to the wedding. Paige had barely mentioned it, but he could hardly decline with Mark asking him to be there. What was peculiar was Mark knew the truth, he knew it was all a charade yet he insisted on Tom going to not only the wedding but the family get-togethers before it. Paige had mentioned that she was none too pleased about it all, when he tried to speak to her about it, she simply stated that it was boring. He understood such sentiment, he felt that way during his sisters' weddings. When he stated such, she agreed and spoke to him about it more but said nothing of him joining her for it. Mark had mentioned it in front of their mother, which he suspected that even if he had declined Mark, he would never have been permitted to decline their mother.

This led to a more embarrassing situation. Paige’s family, under the impression their daughter was in a long-term committed relationship, booked them a room with only a double bed in it in the hotel for the wedding. When they entered, he and Paige looked at the bed for a moment before looking at one another.

“If you hog the covers, I’m going to kidney punch you,” Paige warned. “It won’t even be intentional. I apparently do it in my sleep.”

“Are you okay with sharing with me?” Tom checked.

“Yes, you?”

“Yes.”

In truth, Tom was uncertain. Since the night at the awards, since the kiss, he felt somewhat uncertain of things. That moment where she was about to tell him something, he was certain it was something pertaining to them, since then, he felt uncertain, as though they were teetering on the edge of something more. He thought that perhaps she was feeling something similar to him but since that moment, since Oscar interrupted them, she never referenced the situation again, so he had no idea.

“I promise I am not too bad.”

“I know. We did share a bed before, remember?”

Paige swallowed. “Yes, of course.” She did not want to look at him as she remembered the night that started all of this, waking beside him, curled against him, feeling his body against hers after a night of incredible sex. She had thought of that night a few times since. “It’s looking good for your kidneys so.”

Tom laughed at her comment. “That’s a relief.”

“I guess we better go to this dinner.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry my parents and brother dragged you into this.”

“Honestly, I don’t mind, you came to aunt Geraldines for me.”

“It’s not fair on you though.”

“Paige, do you know what is great about you?”

“My sheer lack of giving a shit?”

“Yes, actually.” Tom nodded. “You are entirely honest. Take meeting my father for lunch, you straight up said yes to meeting him on his visit down for the play, but then declined him for dinner because you were busy, so you planned lunch. There was no messing, no pretending you could then suddenly changing plans, you straight away said what you could and could not do.”

“It’s better to lay everything out like that, and it’s handy. When you say you’re busy then, no one seems to think to question you.”

“It’s a good way to be.” Tom commended.

“Perhaps.” Paige sometimes wondered if it was. “We better get ready to go to this meal.”

Tom could see her apprehension. “Is it me of the meal that’s the issue?”

Paige scoffed. “Tom, you will never be the issue. If I could choose this meal or you, you win. You’re far better company, you are a far nicer person than most everyone I have ever met, honestly. It’s not you.” Tom looked at her carefully. Paige’s eyes on his. “Tom…”

He was on the verge of leaning down and kissing her. He even licked his lips to do so when there was a knock on the door.

“Paige, are you two decent in there?”

Paige looked at Tom for a moment, unsure if she just imagined what just nearly happened before walking over to the door. “Yes, Dad?”

“Dinner time, get cleaned up as best you can. We wouldn’t want to be late.” He rolled his eyes.

Paige smiled at him. “We’ll get through it.”

“I love Fiona, you know I do, but that family of hers…I didn’t fight that damn disease to suffer fools.”

Paige smiled lovingly at her father, the memory of the sick man sitting in their living room when she got a lift to Oxford with a classmate one weekend coming to her again. “Dad…”

“Now, run along.” He walked off.

“He’s terrible.” She shook her head. “Mum gets so annoyed when he talks about the cancer like that. He maintains that since he survived it, he can speak anyway he wants about it.”

“Understandable. So Fiona’s family are not as liked as she is then?”

“Fiona’s family have this terrible medical condition, it’s sad really, it’s called pompous twat-itis.” Tom chuckled. “How Fiona is related to them confuses me no end.”

“Now I’m just curious,” Tom confessed. “Am I dressed alright?” He dressed casually in a dark sweater, his dark jeans and favourite pair of shoes.

Paige nodded. She always tried to remain stoic when she saw him in such a combination, but it was difficult because of how incredible he looked. She never knew how a man wearing something so casual look so sexy. “You look great.” She went into the bathroom and tidied herself a little before walking out again. “Ready?”

Tom, who had been in his own head after thinking of how he nearly kissed her, looked at her again with interest. She wore black boots with her black jeans, which very much showed her body, which he had enjoyed previously and could not stop thinking about since. The blouse she chose was elegant and sexy in one and he loved it. It was the same one she wore the night of Ben and Sophie’s. “Yes.”

“Good. I better apologise in advance for anything they say or do. I cannot guarantee they will be very nice or perhaps they will be overly nice, I don’t know which yet.”

“Thanks for the warning.”

“Can’t say I didn’t tell you.” She smiled as they left the room.

[nomattertheoceans]

I made you a promise - chapter 16

Before I let you read on, a few important announcements.

I will be leaving tumblr from Sunday 21st, until I’ve read Kingdom of Ash. Because I’ve already put my spoiler tags up, and still I started to see things about the book (I don’t know how these people got their hands on the book, but how about using some tags, people? I’m so angry about it, I don’t want to dwell on it and ruin your day too….)

Knowing myself and how I read, I’ll probably start reading it on Friday 26th, and will hopefully have finished it on Sunday or something.

Once I come back to tumblr, this blog will definitely not be spoiler free!!! I will be using these tags on every koa post I share: “koa spoilers”, “koa spoiler”, “kingdom of ash spoiler” and “kingdom of ash spoilers” That way, if you want to avoid any spoilers, just filter at least one of these tags and you’ll be safe in my blog.

Regarding the fic: this might be my last update in a while. In November, I won’t be updating it at all, because I’ll spend the month of November  developing my original story, and I can’t focus on my story if I keep thinking about my fics. So I’ll try to get a chapter out between the moment when I’ll finish Kingdom of Ash, and the beginning of November, but nothing certain. In any case, whether it be this chapter or the next one, I promise I won’t leave you guys on a big cliffhanger hahahaha (I’m really not that cruel ^^), and I also promise that I am in no way abandoning this fic, and will be back in December! I just need some time for my other project :)

Anyway, that’s it I guess. Thank you so so much to everyone who reads, likes, comments,... I love it all!!

@highladyofherondale @amazinginglyawesomeperson @illyrianbeauty

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Feyre sat down at her small desk after lunch, a smile lingering on her face. She’d just eaten with Rhys, and at some point during the meal, he’d casually referred to her as his girlfriend, before realizing what he’d said and looking at her with dread in his eyes. She hadn’t been able to stop her laugh at the sight of him freaking out, a warm feeling spreading in her heart at the idea that he considered her his girlfriend, that it had come as naturally to him as it had to her. Still smiling, she opened her inbox to check emails, somewhat mindlessly reading through them, thinking - and blushing - about something Rhys had whispered in her ear before leaving her at the door. Something about making his girlfriend moan when he…

There was an email from New York. From John, the author she’d met with the week before. And the email was titled: “John Helvar - Illustrated edition - Trip to NYC?” She opened it frantically and read what he’d written to her:

From: john.helvar@gmail.com

To: arch.feyre@gmail.com

Email sent on: Tuesday, October 30th at 1:04 p.m.

Feyre,

How are you?

I’m writing to you as a follow up of our meeting in Velaris last week. I was charmed by all of the ideas you presented to me, and showed them to my publisher on Friday. She also liked them, and would like to meet you and discuss them further before making a final decision. We’re both available at the beginning of next week, and would like for you to come to New York for a few days. It would be a trip from Sunday afternoon until Wednesday morning, allowing us two full days to work. The publishing house would pay for your plane tickets and your hotel.

Let me know before Thursday if you’re available, to book everything for you.

Looking forward to seeing you soon in New York,

John.

She wasn’t sure she was breathing. He wanted her to come to New York. To meet his publisher. To craft a contract. Which meant he wanted to work with her, he wanted her to create every single one of the illustrations for his books. An entire collection, with about 100 to 150 pages per book. After meeting her twice, he trusted her enough to agree to working with her for the next few months, the next few years. She felt her heart racing in her chest, her breathing became jagged and her hands were shaking.

She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t go to New York and meet with these people when she had to drag herself out of bed every morning, when she found every drawing she made harder than the last. Not when she’d been unable to pick up a paintbrush for months, her only drawings being those requested for work. She’d felt sort of confident during the meetings with him, but it hadn’t been serious. For all that she wanted and needed this job, she hadn’t considered the possibility that he might actually choose her. Her vision blurred and she realized she was crying. The realization woke her up and she tried to force her body to calm down. Nothing was decided yet, she thought, clenching at her desk to keep herself grounded, he simply wanted her to meet the rest of the team that was working on the project. Maybe he didn’t even want to work only with her, maybe she would be part of a bigger team of illustrators and her work wouldn’t even be noticed.

But it didn't work, she was still panicking, tears still rolled down on her cheeks. Without thinking, she picked up her phone and dialed.

***

The day was beautiful. Granted, it was raining, and he was freezing, and he had about a zillion paperwork to finish before he could go home tonight. But how could this day not be beautiful, when he’d just had lunch with his wonderful girlfriend - it was official now - and she was coming to his place to spend the night. He’d have to buy some stuff for her if she started to sleep at his house more regularly, like a toothbrush, some of her shampoo, maybe some stuff for her period if she wanted, a hairbrush,...

He was driven away from his mental shopping list by the vibrations of his phone in his pocket. Smiling at the name on the screen, he answered:

“Hey you, miss me already?”

“Oh Gods Rhys, I’m freaking out.” Her voice was stranded, and her breathing frantic.

“What’s going on? Are you ok?”

“I am. It’s just…. I received an email from the guy I met with the other week. He wants me to go to New York next week to meet his publishing team.”

“Feyre, that’s great!” He wasn’t really an expert in the publishing world, but the author wanting her to meet with his publisher was bound to be a good sign.

“I… Yeah I guess it is.” But her voice was flat, and he started wondering what was in this email that got her so freaked out.

“Darling, what’s going on? You don’t sound pleased.”

“No, I am.” A pause. “I am. See you tonight at your place?”

“Y - yes, sure. Are you sure you’re okay?”

But she had already hung up before his question was over.

***

She refused to approach the subject of New York for the entire evening, cleverly avoiding talking about it, and bluntly staring at him when he tried to bring it up. So they ate in near silence, Rhys trying and failing to make her open up to him, and then keeping quiet, hoping she might feel better if he left her alone. They washed the dishes, turned off the lights and got up to his bedroom. He was fishing out a clean pair of underpants to sleep in when he caught a glimpse of her in the mirror, seated on his bed, her hand tucked between her thighs, crying silently. He turned around and hurried to her, kneeling down in front of her.

“Feyre, what’s going on?”

She avoided his eyes, and was clenching her hands together, tears rolling down her cheeks silently. Still without looking at him, she said: “Are you… Are you mad at me?”

“What? No, of course not. Why would you think that?”

“Well… I don’t know. Because I didn’t want to talk about New York, and you might think I want to hide something from you, and be mad.” Her voice had grown quieter as she talked, and she looked so sad, Rhys decided then and there that if he ever met her ex-boyfriend, he wouldn’t mind punching him in the face once or twice.

“Feyre, please, look at me.” And he was pleading her, pleading because he wanted her to look into his eyes and understand that he would never react like that, with her or anyone else. She met his eyes but she was still sobbing silently, her beautiful face stained by tears, and her eyes red. “Feyre, you don’t have to tell me everything. Ever. If you don’t want to tell me about something, it’s absolutely fine, and normal.” He rested his hands on her thighs gently. “I simply stopped talking about it because I thought I was annoying you, and I thought you’d feel better if I left it alone. I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make it worse.”

He stopped talking and let her cry, not wanting to make her feel like she had to stop before she felt better. She cried for a while longer, and then she managed to calm down enough to take in deep breaths. He got up from his knees, sat down beside her and gently took her head between his hand. He brushed away her tears with his thumbs, and slowly, so that she’d understand what he was doing and stop him if she wanted to, he hugged her. She gripped his jumper and he tightened his grip on her back, pulling her even closer to him.

“I don’t think I’m going to go to New York,” her voice was a mere whisper, as if she was indeed telling him a secret, but she was steady.

“Can I ask you why?” He kept his voice equally low.

“I don’t think it’s going to be worth it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not good enough to do this job, Rhys. And even if I was, even if the people I’d met with liked my work… I would never be able to deliver.”

“Why would you think that? You’ve been doing this job for years.”

“But this is different. It’s… It’s such a big commitment. If I do agree to work with them, I’ll probably be involved in this project for years. It’s seven books to illustrate. It would take so long, and I can’t guarantee them that I’ll be able to manage it.”

He gently forced her to move away from him so that he could look her in the eyes when he answered:

“Feyre, this is your job, and from what you’ve shown me, you’re pretty good at it. I have no doubt that if you start working with them, you’ll deliver every single piece of art they need. And every single one of them will be beautiful.”

She gave him a sad smile, and it broke his heart a little, because he could see that she didn’t believe him, that she simply smiled because she thought he was only trying to reassure her. Gods, he wanted to help her so much it hurt, he could feel his heart break at the sight of her being so sad. He couldn’t stand to know that she didn’t believe in herself, when he himself believed in her more than he could express. And it seemed that there was nothing he could say or do that would change her feeling of being worthless.

“Feyre, why do you think you can’t manage?”

“Because… My job, it’s not serious. Working with your hobby, that’s not something serious, that’s not something you can do for your entire life. Drawing and painting, I never learned properly, I was never trained. And untrained skills are useless in the professional world, I wouldn’t be able to hold my own in such a big project.”

And then he knew. He knew why she was feeling so unconfident. And he was boiling with rage at the idea. But he needed to be sure:

“Did he tell you that? Did he call your talents useless and tell you that you couldn’t work with them?” Her silence was answer enough, and he wanted to cry. “Shit Feyre. You are so talented. What you’re able to create, what comes to life under your touch, it’s a gift. And it’s beautiful. Maybe you weren’t trained, but I have absolutely no doubt that you’ll be able to meet any challenge that comes your way. You’re strong, and you’re stubborn enough not to let anyone tell you otherwise.” She chuckled slightly at that, sniffing after her tears, “Feyre, I think you should go to New York, because you might regret it if you don’t. And I’m sure you won’t regret going. Worse thing happens, you don’t like it, you tell them that you don’t want to work with them, and you come back home. Free trip to New York!”

She actually laughed at his sloppy attempt at a joke, and wiped her eyes to get rid of the last tears lingering in them. His chest tightened, and he resisted the urge to take her in his arms again, allowing her space to breathe. When she looked at him once more, there was still sadness in her eyes, but it was coated with a joyful brightness that reflected in her smile. She advanced and kissed him fully, her lips wet and salty, and he kissed her back, hugging her against him.

***

She arrived at her desk the next morning rested and smiling softly. What had happened the night before had been… amazing. Rhysand had been amazing. She’d had one of her most awful days in a long time, and still he had found the right words, given her the exact amount of reassuring and affection and space to sort it out. He’d given her space, had allowed her to cry for as long as she’d needed it, not commenting on it, not asking for her to calm down. And she had felt so much better afterwards. She couldn’t exactly say that she was confident about her abilities to work on the project, but at least she was ready to try. She opened her computer and typed an answer:

RE: John Helvar - Illustrated edition - Trip to NYC?

From: arch.feyre@gmail.com

To: john.helvar@gmail.com

Draft written on: Wednesday, October 31st at 9:12 a.m.

Hello John,

Thank you for your email. I am thrilled that you liked my ideas for your book, and would love to come to New York next week to discuss it further with you and your associates. I am available on the dates you gave me, so feel free to book those days for our meeting. Please find enclosed a copy of my personal information for any booking you might have to make regarding this trip.

Looking forward to seeing you again,

Greetings from Velaris.

Feyre.

Looking at her screen, she exhaled loudly and clicked send, afraid she might lose her nerves if she waited any longer.

She was going to New York.

[masonwithkookiez]

Journal #1 (11-8-18)

Long post ahead. Bear with me, people. This gets personal.

Today I almost threw up. That's basically what this entire thing is going to be about.

It's about me, and my struggles, and no one else's because I'm an immature, narcissistic piece of shit that doesn't care about how others feel. No one in my life is nearly as important as my issues, and I've never set aside my struggles to help someone, nor have I stopped to take a breath of fresh air. Not once have I thought that maybe, just maybe, someone out there has issues that are harder than mine, or goes through things that are worse than what i’m currently going through. I’ve never considered that my opinions are less valid that someone’s, and I’ve certainly never thought that I’m always in the spotlight. Not once has any of this my mind, no, how could? I’m a hyper-confident narcissistic teenager that has NOT ONCE stopped to think about all the wrong things I’ve done, or count how many times I talked about myself instead of others in ONE SINGLE conversation (My record is 15, by the way).

This is all stuff I’ve been told I do. I’ve been told that I don’t recognize the fact that I manage to always bring some bit of attention to me. I was told this just this morning, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.

I understand that I DO do things like this, and I DO say petty things, and I DO manage to make myself the center of attention half the time, and that makes me want to shrivel up and die. It’s not that I want to do these things, they just happen and they have become so ingrained in my actions that I don’t even think when I do them. Afterwards, though, I often wallow in how dumb I must have sounded, and I usually, meaning every night, think about how I could have said EVERYTHING different, but while I’m carrying out those conversations, nothing crosses my mind.

Hear me out, I get that sometimes people say things that cut deep into you, and they often take a long ass time to go away. They make you think so hard about things that it’s impossible to stop thinking about it. There are things in my life just like that, and I STILL lie awake at night trying to figure out ways to fix those issues. In this case, I don’t think I’ll ever recover from it fully, but I really don’t mind. It gives me more of a reason to kill myself, right? That’s what I’ll keep telling myself.

Look, there I go again. Making everything about me.

But this post is supposed to be about you, what do you mean?

I’m trying to stop this, remember? No more saying petty things.

Oops.

This was sent to me this morning:

Okay, this is ******. I’ve read these messages, and talked to ****** about everything going on. First of all, if he was your first person you cared about you should have never asked such a task as to take on someone else into a two person, committed relationship. Secondly, you shouldn’t try to make him feel bad about wanting something for himself. Relationships can’t be one sided. Every time he tells you a thought, or feeling, or something is upsetting him, you somehow in some way make it all about you when in reality it’s about both of you. But when he’s sitting here crying because he can’t express himself to you without you saying petty things like, “It’s fine I’ll just break someone else’s heart,” that’s literally making his problem somehow about you. This is why I say to never go for younger people because they don’t have the maturity set in their mind that’s capable of understanding TRUE commitment. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but it kind of pisses me off that my best friend is sitting here crying because he expressed himself to you and it was somewhat an inconvenience for you. True , actual love is about sacrificing things for other people and I feel like he’s done that for you more than once and it seems like you’re not providing the same treatment.

I find it funny that I was told that I don’t recognize that I do all of these things. It was at least implied. 

I also find it funny that I was called immature. True, I may be young. Yes, I’m still in school. Yes, people my age typically aren’t ideal for relationships. AND YES, I AM immature. These are all VERY valid points, and they’re even things I considered when I first walked into this relationship, but I also feel that just because I’m young, stereotypes concerning my age group are very true, keep in mind, this person has grouped me with manipulative teenagers. Don’t get me wrong, I do stuff that isn’t very nice, and I do things that would certainly group me into that ideology, but there are other things about me that prove that I AM NOT a stereotype. 

I may be petty, and I may be depressed, but that doesn’t mean that I intentionally do things that are considered to be those. 

This brings me to why I made this. I am a petty, disgusting, terrible human being, and I understand that wholeheartedly. I’m loud, annoying, narcissistic (obviously), and dumb. That’s the perfect recipe for someone that is downright TRASH. I can, and have been, told this many, many times, but it never seems to hit me in the face as hard as it needs to. Not even this time. Not when I’m losing someone that has changed my life. 

And why’s that?

The simple answer is: I’VE NEVER HAD TO CHANGE MYSELF. Not once in my life have I had to change because of this stuff. No, I’ve been told to NOT change myself for others. And so I haven’t.

I’ve let this terrible, toxic behavior carry on throughout my entire life, and I’ve never thought to change myself. I’ve never applied the rule of “If something keeps repeating itself, you probably need to change something,” into this scenario. It blows me away, quite frankly, that I can recognize this fact at it’s face value and not take it seriously. I don’t change, no matter how many times this happens. I don’t specifically know why, but I feel that it’s because I expect to come across someone that will ignore the fact that I basically emotionally abuse my partners with how idiotic I am. I’ve been told that “there’s someone out there that is perfect for me,” and while that may be true, I’ve never been told the other half of that statement: “But you might need to fix yourself a little before it happens.”

That brings me here. 

I’m finally taking everything I just said and fixing myself with it. I don’t know exactly how, nor do I know if any o my guesses will work, but this is a slow process, and I have tons of time to keep trying.

The first, and most important step, is to move on. 

I’ve never had an issue with this, and I feel that I’ve already moved on partially, but I want to fully let go, not only from my currently trashed relationship, but also from the people that I have been helping out. I want to let go peacefully and I want all the people around me to realize that I’m working on myself now. I’m not saying that I won’t worry about other people’s problems indefinitely, I’m only saying that, for now, I’ll be focusing on getting myself back on track. For a few weeks, maybe even a month, I won’t be contacting many people (this includes @jamsgotjimin) and I’ll be TRULY focusing on myself this time. Once I have figured everything out, though, I’ll be back to making sure my family and friends are all okay. 

In order to move on fully, I feel that I have to break away for a little bit. I have to cut myself off from everything that I way I can see how things would be if I was truly alone. I love isolation, and I love having the time to think, but when I’m in the middle of something so overwhelming I usually tend to talk more. I want someone that will reassure me and rid me of my insecurities so I have one less thing to worry about, and that’s why I’m doing this. I need to fix myself the right way, rather than ignoring all of the bad things about me and forcing someone to make them positive. 

The second step I’ll be taking is basically TIME.

I won’t be posting anywhere, nor will I be talking to many, as I stated above. I need the time to myself, as I find it to be essential in making myself a better person. I’ll, most likely, be shutting down almost ALL of my social media accounts, including my AMINO, DISCORD, INSTAGRAM, and TUMBLR. I have no use for them anymore, plus they contain memories that I ma not very fond of. Even though I will be shutting them down, I might find myself making new accounts, whether it be instantly or a few weeks from now. It’s hard going cold turkey right off the bad, but it is also a straightforward way of cutting myself off from the bad. This will allow me to easily start new and fresh, even if it hurts to do it. 

In conclusion, I’m really struggling to fix myself, but it’s only the first day of many. I’ll be okay, and if you would like to continue contacting me through this, just pm me so we can figure out a way to keep in touch. I’ll be back later, and when I return, I’ll redirect everyone to any of my new accounts. 

Stay safe everyone.

With Love,

Tyler 

P.S: I hardly edited this because I wanted it to be my pure, raw emotion. Sorry if things don’t make any sense.

[antagonist-chan]

My plans for the rest of the weekend (which, for me atm, is Wednesday night through Sunday):

Tomorrow, I’ll do a shit ton of work on my room and also take one of my Big Showers (for those of you who don’t know- I try to shower roughly every other day (with the occasional two-day break instead of one-day since there aren’t an even number of days in the week), but once a week I try to take a more in-depth shower where I do a lot more to clean myself). The shower will preferably be after working on the room, since that won’t exactly be the most hygienic thing in the world to do.

On Friday, I’ll work on finally getting my queue up and also going through a lot of my online backlog.

On Saturday, I’ll work more on my homework, my online backlog, and on various art things (primarily, SCP stuff and Byzantium Love and War).

On Sunday, I’ll do yet more intense work on my room and take a Normal Shower.

Every day, I’ll try to get some work done on homework, backlog, and my room (and also on eating right), but the days where I’ve actually specified working on it will involve more intense stuff. Like, for room cleaning, instead of just “go through a handful of DVDs and put away your clean laundry and go through your books to see which ones to keep and which to donate”, I mean like “completely clear out multiple boxes worth of stuff and also finally clear away this particular pile of stuff so you can actually see the floor there again”.

Like, seriously, my room is a disaster area, and I’m slowly working through making it livable again so that I can actually get a decent night’s fucking sleep again.

I’ll also try to make room for the Sims, but I’m not gonna sacrifice work just because I’m worried it’ll cut into my Sims time like I have been for the past few weeks. I know that continuing to play the Sims even when I’m behind on stuff is kinda essential to maintaining my sanity right now, but I can take a short break without falling off the Sims wagon. I still have plenty of things that I haven’t properly explored in that game yet, so I still have incentive to go back once things are a little calmer. Just... I’ve actually fallen a little behind on school (something I promised myself I wouldn’t do this semester, though granted I haven’t fallen that far behind, just a day), my life will become significantly easier once my room is clean, I’m not doing as good a job of keeping up with my hygiene as I want to be, I really want to get something published on the SCP site, and Byzantium Love and War chapter 2 was scheduled to come out at the beginning of March, and it’s mid June and it’s still not here (and keep in mind that chapter 1 was posted at the beginning of February). At least one reader is outright angry that I’m so behind, and at least three more have offered sympathy. The reason the backlog is important is because some of the backlog is Neptunia-related, and going through that backlog will almost certainly give me more motivation to work on BLaW (and part of why I’ve barely worked on it is because I really want to be in the mood when I do it, because it’s a shipping fic and I want to do my OTP right, dammit). Something similar with the queue.

Hopefully, I can have my room cleaned by the end of the weekend and my family can immediately start looking into getting me a new bed. And I want to do this new bed right- my old bed was a piece of shit that annoyed me for just over a decade (since I was seven or eight when I got it, and nineteen when I finally got rid of it) and caused my “dirty room” problem to be even god damn worse because it was so horribly designed AND horribly positioned within my room. And not only that, but also just the sleep quality. I’m pushing so hard for this because I want to get a good night’s sleep, so that I can have the energy that I had when I was thirteen. Did you know that, when I was thirteen, back in 2011, and I had just joined Tumblr, I once woke up at 6:00 AM because I was so excited to start the day, and when my grandfather woke up (I was up at my grandparents’ house) he actually got concerned that I was up so early and made me go to bed early that night? God, I miss those days. And I know that it’s partially because teenagers are just wired to be night owls that that doesn’t happen anymore, but I’m 20, I’m supposed to be growing out of that wiring. And I know that another part of it is just that younger people have more energy and excitement in life. But part of it is definitely that I can’t get a good night’s sleep on my couch, at least not when I do it every single night.

ALSO hopefully, I can get BLaW chapter 2 posted by the end of the month, and get my buffer properly set up so I don’t have to worry so much about getting chapters written on time. And then I can work on the rest of my art again, like my sex game, my original MMD model bases (which will themselves open up a lot of doors for other art!), the Gensokyo’s Heart reboot, and maybe even a Jikankyo revival like I talked about last night!

And once I’m not behind on absolutely fucking everything, I can actually go back to living a somewhat leisurely life, where I can do things like spontaneously decide to play a video game without it being a huge commitment (because right now, deciding to play a video game is a huge commitment), or watch Brooklyn 99 while I’m getting ready in the morning, or read a fucking book because holy shit I haven’t done that in forever, or work on finishing my transition because I am sick of most people thinking I’m a man, or get an actual fucking job so I can get real income with which to actually keep up with video games again. Hey, I might even do jobs that I’ve been considering doing for longer than I’ve even been behind like this- did you know that, basically the entire time I’ve been on Tumblr, I’ve been somewhat considering clearing out the shelves in my room? I never touch those shelves anymore because they’re covered in rotten trash, boxes of shit my parents put there before it was my room and they never took out, stuff I haven’t touched since I was a toddler (or potentially stuff that has never been touched because toddler me never got around to trying them), broken technology, and finally, stuff I actually care about that’s gone neglected because of everything else up there. Those aren’t super urgent or anything, since they aren’t in the way of getting a bed like the stuff on the floor is, but I do want to eventually deal with all that shit (especially since it would probably only take a day or so of work).

And best of all, I might actually get to start experiencing the flow of time again because the days won’t blend into each other so god damn much.

[troubleblurose-blog]

My Dumbass 5SOS Experiance // Part Uno

I know exactly what you’re thinking. I know, because well, I am one of you. The 5SOSFam that is; I made it sound like we’re our own separate alien race. But look at the people we stan... It makes a little too much sense, doesn’t it? Not even a paragraph in, and I’m already unraveling a conspiracy theory like Shane Dawson. You know him- “You look so fucking something, in my underwear while she wearing them! There’s my poop stain, on her butt.” Yeah, that funny motherfucker. 

You’re probably thinking- ‘Oh, just another fan who really wants the same thing I do.’

I’m not gonna pretend, or lie to make my situation seem special. You’re fucking right, that is exactly who I am. We all have our bumps in the road, after all, we’re all human. Or aliens, I don’t really know anymore. It’s not only science that has gone too far at this point, I am now a contributing factor to the random things that make you question what the fuck this world is becoming.

I’m not about to level with you, or give you a sob story. It could seem that way, but every detail I write is a detail I wouldn’t ever erase. Every problem I’ve encountered, or dumb ass decision I’ve written is something that made me the well rounded person I am today. These are past events, though I am currently handling some of the debris of them. I’m still coping with illness, and things like that. When I write these events, just know, while they are awful I am used to them. That sounds bad, but I don’t know any different. They do hurt greatly at times, but that’s just building more character and strength in the end. 

-Trigger/Graphic Event Warning-

Let’s start out simple and #relatable; I struggle(d) with:

Bi-Polar Depression (Mood swings between extremely jolly, and devastatingly upset.) 

Anxiety (Having a hard time staying composed in times of little stress, or in many social situations.) 

Insomnia (Getting little to no sleep/getting no well-rested sleep at night.) 

Self-Harm (Hurting yourself in ways such as eating disorders, or various forms of mutilation.)

Suicide (Trying to end your own life.)

Those are the things this is somewhat covering, but by no means are they the point I’m trying to make. They aren’t what make up me, and they aren’t what make up this letter. 

To understand the substance of the seemingly overused words on your screen, you need to know a bit about who I am first. Otherwise this could seem like every generic fanfiction. You know what I’m talking about. Eyes are always called orbs. Every meeting involves someone spilling something on someone else. Dicks are always refferred to as members. Calum is usually an asshole with a tragic life story. Mikey is usually a bad boy; who gets a soft spot for the main girl for some unknown reason. Ashton is either super sweet in his old dad way, or a complete arrogant prick. Luke, well he always bounces between popular and nerdy often. Have I made my point?

I’m gonna get relatable again when I say, there isn’t a lot I’m good at. When I am good at something, it has no use in my daily life. I can’t divide fractions, but I can hit every note in guitar hero. I can’t socially interact, but I can make bomb-ass Turkey Bacon Cojacks. I don’t know where all the states are, but I can rap Migrane. My skills are only useful to me, basically. My point being, I was practically useless in class. When I was staying home from school on the normal, from avoiding my problems and lack of motivation, I felt so useless. Like as useless as a newspaper is to a teenager. 

We all have some activity that makes us feel important, though. To Donald Trump, it’s putting down anyone who isn’t a straight white male. To Bo Burnham, it’s making people laugh with his odd perspective and unique means of comedy. Me? It’s always been when I’m on stage. I love hearing my voice being amplified to bring together people from all walks of life. When I’m writing lyrics, I feel like every syllable can make a difference in someone’s life. There’s just something thrilling about worrying you’ll sing the wrong lyric, and doing so because you were worrying about it. 

I’m not gonna say this was always my passion; when I was younger I made a very motivational speech about wanting to be a mermaid. “I WILL be a mermaid, and I WILL live under the sea.” If you think that’s odd, I know of a kid who wanted to be a trash compactor. After I discovered I couldn’t grow a tail, and I ended up not being a fan of swimming in a casino, I wanted to preform. That’s been my dream since I can remember. I’ve always been pretty witty, like I’d have to leave my wit behind   before boarding a plane it’s so sharp. I learned I get more happiness when making others smile, than I do by making myself smile.

A stage is the one place I’m not useless, and being a musician is what I was born to do. I will look anyone in the eye and tell them I'm gonna be so famous one day, because that's exactly what I believe. I know I'm not where I want to be, so it's as simple as I'm gonna move. You need to remember that the only way you can fail is if you give up. It's pretty annoying how bad I am at that. I don't only try to achieve my goals, I try to over-achieve them. I live off my intuition, I'm definitely the ride-or-die type of person in EVERYTHING I do. Making a fool of myself? I'll record it so people can hold it against me for the rest of my life. Dissapointing my parents? Well I am going to Uni for music with no back up plan. Meet 5sos? Well... That's where this fiasco begins.

Welcome to the jungle my fellow fam.

Let’s go back to the first weekend of May 2017. Yes, I really did start this journey on a weekend in May. Yes, I really did it just so I can make that reference. Maybe I started a bit before that, but I committed to it on that first Saturday. At that time I had been in the fam for a couple of months, and  I did go through the phase when I couldn’t tell Lucifer and Ashtonio apart. I however didn’t assume Calcium was Asian, I assumed he was Hispanic. I mean have you seen the ‘Hey Everybody!’ video? That was rhetorical, of course you have. He walked dogs, he was practically Ceasar911! 

Well at this time I was still self-harming, I was still suicidal, and music is very influential to me. I tend to form bonds with songs because music tends to be my main comfort. Music has always been there when no one ever was. There's just such an intense bond for me, with listening and creating it. When I write I don't just think about lyrics, I can hear the chord progressions and melodies. Unfortunately I don't have enough experience with intstruments yet to share the finished product of my own music. 

With 5SOS however, that connection was a lot different. I  appreciate the artists always, though I never tend to feel anything more than that. I didn't feel that at all, I felt a boner. I'm kidding, I just really wanted to say that. Usually with musicians, since I am a fellow musican, I tend to idolize the ones who make music I enjoy. Yes, I know I'm stating the obvious. The thing is, after the whole initiation of binging keeks, interviews, funny moments, and the movie- I didn't once feel like they were above me in any way. Not even in a sexual dream  enduced by falling asleep to Aerosmith. No, that wasn't too specific of a scenario.

They just made me feel understood in a way no one has. Not just because I'm so proud about being a gigantic dork. We were in the same boat, we had the same oar, we wanted  to get to the same island that appearantly no one has heard of, we had the same belief that it exists, and the same thing  about not being satisfyed with any of the millions of already existing islands. That was quite the metaphor, hehe. It's chalked down to similar situations, interests, humor, personalities, and  impeccable music taste. It could also be that we are close in age, but then I'd be connected to millions of other people. That doesn't sound possible for me at the moment, but wait a couple years.

So I was chilling, laughing at Calcium crossing the border with his homie Mike, when I had the thought- What if I met them? In my mind, I thought there would be at least a year before they come to Illinois again, so I had time to save money. It became a goal for me, one I was quite sure would never happen. As we discussed, I'm an over achiever with all of my goals. So what did I do? Well it would be so easy to say I wrote each of them a letter. I can't do anything that simple, I'm far too creative for that simplicity. 

From then to now, in almost a years time, so much happened from there. I met one of my closest friends who happens to be an Aussie; all because of a 5sos meme post, and her lack of ability to use Instagram properly. My family fell apart, and I'm not keen on going into detail. Let's just say I've gotten to consider the 5SOSFam as my only real family. I love you guys, you're a wonderful group of humans with a trail mix variety of nuts. Thank you for existing, and for reading this far. 

Over the time I worked, I wrote and drafted maybe 500 different letters? As of late, I actually haven't gotten any letters finished. I made 4 bracelets, not a giant accomplishment. I'm 4/5 the way done with a poster I designed for Calcium. I made Lucas a fetus 5SOS wooden box, and a 5SOS money jar. I wrote Mikey a novel about him as a superhero, with a fan-art for it. That's kind of big actually cause I've never finished writing a longer story before. There's more things, but I don't want to get too technical with it.

I think I have to say the thing that I put most my effort in was a large journal for Ashton. That's because it's filled with art, tumblr posts, and lyrics. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to all of those things. At this point it has some holes because I've drafted the entire 100 or 200 pages over at least 8 different times. Nothing in it is original to the day I started, I made so many mistakes early 2017 for myself and that journal. I was working on the journal when I decided to attempt suicide for the second time.

It's completely crazy, but I've been through a lot with that journal. All of that started with the smallest idea. From the time I started to right now, I've changed so fucking much. I know how to handle my illness, I'm clean of self-harm, I lost a family and gained a new one, I failed at dying and learned how to live, I made an amazing friend, I got closer with my already existing amazing friend, I got a drum-kit, I somehow became a good lyricist, I found my music sound, my singing voice matured unbelievably, I got and lost pets, I got and lost relationships, I'm now in Uni, I'm more independent... I'm finally at the point where I can believe it does in fact get better.

That seems crazy given I've gone through more in 2017-2018 than I did when I came out about my depression, but maybe that's because I know how to spin it. I know how to handle life. Now everytime I'm scared to do something, I do it. Cause that is how you live, that's how you write, that's how you learn. I wouldn't recognize myself. I've gone from broken, bullied, and suicidal to seeing the beauty in my missing pieces, realizing I deserve better, and actually getting out of bed.

I think it might be because of the journal... 

Hear me out, hear me out. I'm not saying it made me who I am, there's a difference between knowing and believing. Just like the difference between reading and comprehending. The difference between seeing and feeling. When I started that I could only talk the talk. Hell, when I started I had a case of putting them on a pedestal. It was never intentional, at the time I didn't even think I was worth anything. Now I see them as equals in most ways, cause when I see them be how they are I feel like I belong somewhere. I mean, I've always strayed from the majority just because I'd rather be myself and be disliked than be liked for being someone I'm not. I never saw the appeal in fitting in other than having someone to sit with at lunch. I didn't need to belong, even though it would have been nice to feel at home somewhere.

That's what I got when I found the dorks. I don't have to play a part to feel like I belong around them. I can be me, and still feel like I fit in. Not conformity, but genuine compatibility. Before them I was made fun of for being weird. I was made fun of for having my own style, for the song references no one understood, for how much I giggle. I was made fun of for my a many ambitious, none of which being realistic. But I still do all of these things. I still sing louder than everyone else. I still air drum and head bang to songs like Careless Whisper because it's really funny in contrast. I still play games, randomly balance objects on my head, dance in public because I don't give a shit about what people think when I'm having fun. 5SOS just helped me realize that girl who I wished I wasn't for most of my life, is actually the only person I'd ever want to be. Unless I could be Will Smith as Deadpool, then I immediately trash my last statement. 

This is gonna get a bit heavy for a moment, but during that last attempt, as I was losing life I was legit thinking about them. How messed up is that? My life was so shitty my dying thoughts were about four idiots from Sydney. But that's how it was, they were my coping skill. I couldn't hold onto life for me after that, so I held on for them. Not because they'd know the difference if I was gone, let's be real, they wouldn't. If they knew of me then maybe, but I was so low on life's food chain at that point. I held onto the idea of making this epic stuff, and handing it to them. 

I'm not even done with the journal!

I had a history of putting too much of myself into things and then being let down and loosing that part of me. So I don't do it, but it became something I did without realizing it. I don't know what I thought would happen. Maybe they'd like who I was, and would want to have a conversation. Maybe I'd be thrown into the fanfic life and get to hang out. Like a beach bonfire filled with laughter, various awesome people, classic rock, teasing, and knowing me, lots of dick jokes accompanying many innuendos. Maybe I'd end up in LA, and get signed to a rock label. I know I'm saying it like it's simple, trust me, I know all too well the effort it takes.

I gained some real maturity, and became even more well rounded. Though I was always the mature one who made a few mistakes here and there. That's one of the reasons I didn't fit in, I was like a 30 year old when I was 13. I'm not gonna say it wouldn't be cool to end up being their home diggle, but now I'm living for me. I saved myself, and they influenced me to. They leant me a helping hand. It would be epic to chill, or to collab on a song. Hell, if I got an opportunity to get signed to Hi or Hey I'd take it in a heartbeat. A small part of it is because I think the dorks are cool in their own odd way, but mostly because the company itself is an awesome fit for me. It produces the same sound I'd like to make, and it sends the same message-

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 1 | Part.2 “GET YOUR BOTTLES OUT YOUR BONGS YOUR CRACK” - Adam

GET YOUR BOTTLES OUT YOUR BONGS YOUR CRACK WHATEVER YOU WANNA CELEBRATE WITH GORLS BECAUSE WE DID IT!!! I've offically conquered my biggest fear of playing in any of these games for the third time in a row, i will NOT be the first boot! I also am keeping my own lil personal record of never having to go to the first tribal council of the season which is wig, although idk lmao i kinda wanted to go to tribal just because im gonna be honest, i want to PLAY the game. Right now everyone is still kinda in that annoying honeymoon woohoo go team phase, which granted I do want us to keep up for the numbers, but ... im bored. im trying my best to keep up and be in the social circle but i swear actually talking to other people is probably one of the hardest things for me, especially the whole call culture thing like oh gorl i dont even like talking to my grandma on the phone, like im all for group calls but when people message me wanting to do 1 on 1 calls? uh.... my commitment issues jumped out. I hope that doesnt hinder me in the game because im really trying my best with what ive got to make friends and hope people just dont hate me and wanna vote me out, but i still feel like im not doing enough. Maybe im just being hard on myself, ive been having good convos with AJ, Augusto, and Amir, kinda Austin too, but then i feel bad I haven't connected as much with Connor or Kendall, but i do enjoy them on the tribe. My strategy now is gonna be to just work on my social game since we wont have to go to tribal, maybe tone down my dying urge to just wanna strategize, especially because my first time i played i spent too much time talking game and not enough getting to know the people and it ultimately cost me in the end. But i'm also concerned no one is talking game with me really but amir and aj so like.... i literally STILL have no idea how half these people feel about each other from a game perspective, which is okay i guess ,ill be patient, keep my fake smile on and haha hehe'ing with everyone, but just know i have my knife in my boot and im READY to whip it out whenever. But not tonight, we did good, so now i can focus my energy back on this DAMN TOMB. see yall at 2:29 am on the dot!

YAY. I get to enjoy my first day off EVER in tumblr survivor. im so so happy even though i definitely overdid it in this comp and got too much attention on me but... whew. just gotta wriggle my way back under the radar now

So, I’m actually not surprised that we lost. I had a gut feeling that we were going to lose just based off of everyone’s activity and performance in the challenge. First tribal always sucks because no one wants to be the first person voted out. Luckily, I don’t think it’ll be me just because I think I have solid connections with everyone. Devon and I had another call where he told me I was his number one ally in the game. Isaac also told me that he and Trace want to both work with me. And I’m also in the DADS-R-US alliance with Autumn/Duncan/Devon. I have connections with almost everyone on the tribe, so I hope that after this tribal we don’t lose another challenge cause then that’s where things are going to be tricky. For this vote, I think it would be best for Bodhi to leave. He gave the worst score for the challenge, not to mention I really haven’t communicated with him much. From conversations that I’ve had with Devon, Isaac, and Trace, they also seem like they are on board with Bodhi. Now the next part is just to convince Autumn and Duncan to vote out Bodhi too. If it’s unanimous, it’ll show that our tribe is more united going forward. I think that’s the easy vote going forward, mainly because I think I have solid connections with everyone else on the tribe so I would hate to ruin those connections going into a swap. I have the DADS-R-US Alliance with Autumn, Devon, & Duncan. I like all of them so I’m glad it’s a thing. I feel like I vibe with all of them and it really solidifies that there’s a majority within the tribe. I do feel bad that Isaac and Trace aren’t in it, just because they’re definitely down to earth people. I can see Trace being a threat long term, so I mainly feel bad that Isaac isn’t included. I like the DADS Alliance, the only concern I might have is that Autumn/Duncan seem to be close so that’s something I need to look out for. Devon says I’m his number 1, but I kind of get the vibe that he might betray me around mid-merge just because it seems like he’s trying to play a big UTR game. So that’s something else I want to think about in the back of my mind. Overall, I feel like everything else is self-explanatory. I feel like after the first night, people just kind of got quieter and quieter. I’m hoping that everyone will be on board with voting out Bodhi and that I don’t end up being #blindsided at the first tribal. Cause that would be awful.

Night number 3, ive done my research, studied up on my questions, i basically AM an egyptian now, only for me to get my ass back on the path to the tomb for the 3rd time, only to get all the questions right and see the pedestal is EMPTY. Meaning there's a few scenarios that couldve happened. Clearly I was too slow, and my honest hunch is someone found this damn thing night one, no one has said anything to me, and i feel like ive had decent conversations with the people i semi trust? My first instinct says it could be amir because me and him were both going non STOP on looking for that idol night 1 and then he never mentioned it to me again, which granted i didnt say shit to him when i found it so touche on that one, hopefully he has it and just doesnt want to tell anyone which i wouldnt mind, or aj could have it which i really would hope he doesnt and is lying to me about it because clearly that would be bad because itd make me think he wants to use it against me, but i dont think aj has it. Everyone else is a wildcard, I wouldnt be surprised a bit if connor or kendall have it, there's a reason to me why everyone could have it so im not gonna let it drive me crazy, clearly im just not in the know about it with whoever has got it and thats JUST fine and dandy.... I know how to play this game with or without idols in my possession, whoever has it might have a bit of a head start on me, but trust and believe it's only day 3 the shenanigans have just begun dahling. Now that just means I have to REALLY be on my A game, it'll be a bit of a tricky challenge navigating around the idol, especially in a tribe of 7, but much like everything else in my life, im gonna suck it up and make it work, so whoever you are that's got it, you better beware of me! Because now I know you got it! And if I got a lead that's all I need to cause some chaos, in fact I think im gonna go do that now, I wanna talk to everyone who might not have found the way to the tomb yet and let them know someone got it already, create some paranoia and maybe make sure the target isn't on my back but we'll see, like i said when i get bored i get creative

okay so i'm already really anxious KJLASDF. i really am mad at myself for getting the highest score in the challenge, that was so stupid. next challenge i somehow have to wriggle my way backwards, because being a winner with the highest score? what was i thinking that was suchhhh clownery ugh. well. i need to tone it down 100%

Deep down, I almost prefer losing the first competition for two reasons: 1. You can weed out the weakest member of your tribe (almost like cutting the fat off the meat) 2. You are able to test tribe loyalty from the start. If you win a bunch of comps and go into a swap with numbers, that's great, but you will always be itching to actually play the game. Those without tested loyalty will have a hard time adjusting against those that have been forced to play already. In terms of the vote, it sounds like everyone wants to take it easy and vote out Bodhi. That is fine, but I'm not thrilled about it. I feel like Isaac would have made a better first boot considering his messages are somewhat dry and he has more connections across the current cast. However, it doesn't make sense to cause a rift right now. Pending an idol play, this should be a remotely easy round for the tribe. -Slithers-

cast assessment: the brawn tribe is losers. who the fuck wins a challenge lol. fucking losers.

but i like ali and im excited to play with jordan pines. the beauty tribe is FULL of former allies of mine. Augusto, Connor, Amir, AJ, and whoever else? they're all people i've worked with (maybe aside from aj i dont remember tbh). So far I'd say im alligned with everyone on my tribe to an extent. Isaac and I have a night one alliance, but I think I have to cut him this round... Fuck. I love Autumn and Duncan, and I like Devon and Scott. Trace I'm indifferent to, and I'd be happy to see him go, but idgaf if he stays. Right now im trying to find the idol with isaac, while im not telling isaac that he's gone if he doesn't find it and play it. Ideal scenario: isaac finds the idol and we idol out trace 6-1 ( i want to protect myself from being seen as helping isaac).

Bodhi is driving me insane. First he blows the challenge and now he's like gone on a mad dash to get into the Tomb, which is probably boobie trapped to hell btw. I'm just kinda over him being here like he pulls me aside Day One and tells me he wants to work with me and then I hear from Trace that not only is Bodhi writing my name down but thinks everyone else is going along with it. I hope Bodhi doesn't have the idol; but in the event he does I'm thinking about throwing a vote on someone else to make it a 5-1-1 as a contingency. Bodhi if you read this I'm sorry buddy that you might be a 2 time first boot but I can't help you and I don't think I really want to. I'm just praying I survive this round.

I have not been the best in explaining myself in these confessionals huh… but let’s do a recap for y’all <3

Day 1 went by super fast but the good thing about my social game is that I do make a good first impression on people and I think that ultimately helped me get my footing so far? Within the first hour or so of talking to Kendall, she suggested we become an alliance. At first I was taken aback like MA’AM you don’t know me like that… but I of course said yes because why deny an alliance yknow? I do like Kendall though, so it was nice that she quickly decided she wanted to join forces in the game. Connor and I reconnected from our time in Socotra and we were dropping hints of protecting one another in this game, which was nice. Amir and I clicked INSTANTLY like it was insane how well we meshed together yknow? I would consider him my #1 ally so far and I know for a fact the feeling is reciprocated but I do wanna keep an eye out for him because he’s gonna be incredibly dangerous in this game. Adam and I also clicked super quickly due to our love of skinny legendt herself Mariah Carey and we are basically the same person. Austin and I did talk for a bit over our love of similar stuff which was cute. I had the hardest time clicking with AJ. Overall, I had 2 solidified partnerships, 1 unknown partnership, and then a good vibe with mostly everyone else. Day 2 was big to say the least! Amir had let me know that he was the closest to me and Adam during the beginning of the day. He later mentioned Kendall once the alliance was made. So for me, Amir’s connections are me > Kendall > Adam > Connor > Austin/AJ. Adam had told me that I was one of his faves to talk to so yay for that. Austin had also told me that I and Kendall were his faves to talk to. So… here I am thinking that I am doing THAT in the game ngl and then Connor asks me “lowkey like we’re gonna work together right” which I already assumed but said ofc. He then told me Kendall wanted to make an alliance with us two, herself, and Amir. I am totally for this as my 3 close personal alliances basically combine into one alliance which is nice. That being said, the others were trying to think of a fake 5th member to add and it’s a little early to quickly add one person to it. We need more time to feel people out and whatnot, but it did seem interesting that Amir suggested Adam and Kendall suggested Austin given what both had told me way earlier in the day. I would prefer Adam personally as I do feel like currently, Kendall is the most connected and strongest socially in the game just based on my observations. I’d love to think I am a close second but I could be delusional, I tend to be. But yeah, I’m finally in a majority alliance which is cute. And that’s what you missed on Glee <3

When I tell you that I am SHOOK that I didn’t lose this challenge like… I was expecting to lose ngl so yay for that! Especially since I was one of the top scorers on this challenge… I just hope that excuses my flopping on whatever flash game we get gbhvcnxm but yeah, the thot tribe lost and Bodhi… did so bad like SIR. It is very safe to say he could leave and that makes me sad because I wanted to reunite with him and do some potential damage. I do hope he made an alliance pretty early because Bodhi is honestly a very nice person so yeah. This tribe got told they won the challenge and disappeared like all I hear is crickets nnnn which kinda sucks but oh well. The shitty thing about me as a player is that I sometimes need a lot of reassurance so I just want these people to hit me up first and see what’s up. We shall see what transpires luv xx

The biggest headache of the season (aside from me) is the idol system like I may only have half a brain cell but I’m exerting all its power on trying to find this thing. The clue said to look around and I’ve looked all over the blog and NOTHING like… I do not know what else I could do and it’s driving me absolutely mad luv xx (‘: not that advantages do me any good ever but I just wanna figure it out ;-;

i’m me finding the link to the tomb right after submitting that confessional is a MOOD. k so i put the link in and sent it to the hosts, they told me that “Unfortunately, you have not entered the Tomb” and after that, the picture I saw had disappeared. So now I’m thrown in for a loop (is that even the correct term? ghfdjsk) because I think that the link/pic is only there at certain times and the first person to find it gains access? It is my theory and i’m sticking to it ofc but now what do I do with this information? I think I will sit on it until I gain access to the Tomb for the first time and then we shall see what happens.

God, I cannot believe we literally got our asses HANDED to us by the other tribes. I actually put a good amount of effort into this challenge so it was a bummer to see that not everybody could hold their weight. But actions have consequences so I guess it makes sense why we're here at tribal council. I really do like all of my tribe mates! There is not a single person on this tribe that I don't want to work with, which makes this whole thing very complicated. Right out of the gate, people were talking about voting Bodhi because of his HORRIBLE performance in the challenge. He came to me right away, calling himself an idiot and hoping I would pity him? I don't tbh, he fucked up and there is no fixing it. I am just kinda pissed because like I understand the concept of procrastination, but we literally had two days to do it and he submitted what, 5 things? Like get a fucking grip idk. So I want him out. It's not a fixable problem for him. I trust Isaac quite a bit. He is def my closest ally at this point. I also really like Scott, even though he fucking ruined me in Maluku. Duncan would be my 3rd. I proposed to them to create a group, and we did. I am hoping that this 4 will help me survive at least a few more pre-swap tribals, but I also feel relatively close to Autumn and Devon too, so really it could swing any way that we want to if Isaac and I are in trouble. Bodhi claims that 6 people are voting for Isaac. I could be that oblivious, but I think that Bodhi is going to get blindsided tonight, which is awkward because how could he not see it coming? Idk, the kid has got some blind ambition lmao. Let us just hope that Isaac and I survive tonight's tribal and then can really this misfit tribe to win a goddamn challenge.

So after my last confessional, the DADS alliance got on call and lowkey there was actual contemplation on whether or not we should vote out Isaac instead of Bodhi? This video below describes me in that moment

So I'm trying to subtlety tell the DADs that I think Bodhi should go over Trace and Autumns the only one that agrees with me on this. Duncan and Devon are like "no we should keep him and get rid of Isaac" and I really didn't want to do that but at the same time didn't want to seem like a dictator. So I told them I'd vote out Isaac if they felt comfortable with that. We couldn't really agree so we decide to sleep on it and reconvene tomorrow. 

Tomorrow comes around and Devon tells me he still wants Isaac out over Bodhi. I'm like "bruh seriously?" so I try to tell him my reasons for wanting Bodhi out but also tell him if he/the group want to do Isaac then I'm down for that. So we wait for Autumn and Duncan and when I get on the call they're telling me they're leaning towards Bodhi which has me happy cause it was what I wanted to do to begin with and I didn't need to make my arguments. We love having great minds that think alike. The big takeaway from this is that Devon is definitely lowkey shady since he was all about Isaac leaving before the call and then suddenly had a change of heart. Anyways, I reach out to Trace and I'm like "oh we're good with Bodhi right? and he purposes an alliance of the two of us, Isaac, and Duncan. Which has me thinking, this could work. I can have Trace and Isaac think they're in the majority alliance to ensure none of them play an idol if we lose. OR, maybe I could use them to get Devon out? So I tell Duncan that Trace wants to have an alliance with us and Isaac and he's all for it. We like being the Kim Spradlin of the season. But then things get shady because Trace tells Duncan and Isaac that I MYSELF purposed the alliance which is not the case. So now I'm on edge with Trace because he wants to build me up as the threat. So if we do lose, I also wouldn't mind voting out Trace and explaining to Isaac that Trace was spreading lies about me which I didn't feel comfortable with so that the alliance of Duncan/Isaac/I could vote out Devon should we continue a losing streak? The only thing I do know is that Bodhi is leaving tonight. Bodhi, if you're reading this I'm sorry for voting you out. You're a cool dude, and I feel bad for not talking to you much until you left. Also I'm sorry for not talking to you about the vote at all today, I feel bad lying plus I was lowkey busy with school work that I procrastinated and finals prep. The only thing I need to do now is figure out how the hell i get into the tomb?

okay so i'm not actually going to tribal but gotta make it all about me and do a round wrap-up? i'm already feeling like this might be my last game i forgot the stress of games. the main thing in this game is that i really like jake? he is SO much fun and i manifested from preseason that i would like him and it happened (i haven't told him i figured out he was cast preseason that feels like it would be too creepy), but i'm just happy i manifested him as a really fun ally and it came true!! i really like him and jordan. also my tribe is scaring me i feel like they want me out and me having an idol does not help with my neurotic panic nnn. for guessing who is gonna go home, i really hope autumn and isaac are safe, duncan too!! i kinda assume it'll be bodhi or devon just because they didn't do too hot in the challenge but we will see for sure

https://youtu.be/LPplZtIK9KM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7EpyCcQVcM&feature=youtu.be

[a-l-y-s-s-a-w]

feelin’ it

Sometimes (no, always) I wish my college self hadn’t been as embarrassed of my high-school self and my old Tumblr (rip alyssalovesstars and my old favorite gif). How much I wish I could get the posts, the reblogs, the dramatic feelings back. Without a doubt I’d still be embarrassed, but it’d be a sweet reminder of such a coming-of-age season.

Anyways, I think of that because it was during those days that I gave up makeup. I had recently become a Christian and I remember being inspired by a friend who shared her story of her struggles with body image. When it came time for Lent, I decided to not wear makeup. I remember it was difficult at first – even though I didn’t wear a ton, without it I felt exposed. Over time, I learned to appreciate me for me and by the time Easter came around, I knew that I still wanted to challenge myself to not be reliant on a product to feel confident. I wanted to love and be loved for my authentic self.

For the past 9+ years (wow, that’s scary to think about), that mentality has kept me away from makeup with the exception of special events, holidays, and the past year as I’ve dived back into it in spurts. Committing to that for so long and actively choosing to find more self-confidence is something I’m proud of.

Fast-forward to today, one of my new year’s resolutions for 2020 was to “get in tune with my body”. For me, a lot of what that has meant is not being scared of it; the fear of thinking about it (idolization), the fear of embracing it (sexuality), and the fear of celebrating it (causing stumbling). While I have had such great communities and people around me in the past decade, I wouldn’t say there has been a welcoming of discussion around physicality. Don’t get me wrong, my fear led me to be a part of the problem too. And it wasn’t just the lack of encouraged conversation but also certain experiences, more fear, and my general misunderstanding of the intent for creation. Catching up to the present, this break has been somewhat of the culmination of these thoughts. I realized that in the past pursuit of finding my worth not in my image, I began to overcompensate by neglecting my body and for lack of a better word, femininity.

I approach the subject warily, even now still holding onto those now deeply rooted fears. And maybe this writing is inspired by the fact that I watched all of Unorthdox last night or because I have been really appreciating these pictures. Either way, I realize that (in this instance) burying feelings is not the answer. The human body is intentional and libido (lol this was in a crossword I just did so had to throw it in) is no mistake either. Now, that’s definitely not to say that there aren’t lines and intentions for how those should manifest itself too.

As I’ve begun to “get in touch with my body”, I’ve learned that there’s nothing to be afraid of! The human body is weird, and strange, and unique, and cool, and beautiful. I’ve learned that my own body stores a lot of energy, so I’ve found joyful outlets through exercise and dance (thank you TikTok for filling in while I can’t go to Zumba!). I’ve also learned that as I choose to acknowledge attraction and sexual desires, choices of abstinence actually become meaningful. It’s much easier to refrain from something you deny in the first place than to refrain from something you realize you actually want.

Some days are easier than others, in all the different ways. And frankly it’s really different for each person. But I believe that the choice to recognize is greater than the choice of ignorance. So, I post the pictures below and write this in celebration. Celebration into the next decade of learning to love myself – my annoying crooked smile, a waist cushioned by the too-frequent consumption of desserts, flat feet, and all.

And to end; I’ve learned that yesterday’s revelation can become today’s limitation. But that’s the beautiful thing about growth. You are challenged, you learn, and you build. Then you’re challenged, you learn, and you build all over again. That process doesn’t make the old stuff bad, it just makes it part of the foundation that you’re standing on now. I’m grateful to be on this weird, uncomfortable, flirty, fun, and awkward journey.

[kingofthewilderwest]

Alright I’m writing this post before I wimp out on this decision that I need to make. I’m going to try to explain with some thoughtful honesty about where I’m potentially going to be heading with my main blog. But because I have the habit of being... verbose... I’m putting my TL;DR at the top:

I am opening my ask box even though I still have dozens of analysis prompts saved from before I closed the ask box. It’s because I’m tired of not chatting with people in this amazing fandom. I love interacting!

I can no longer consistently analyze prompts. This means I cannot guarantee I will give a thorough analysis if I receive an analysis prompt. I will have to start giving answers like “I don’t know,” “I don’t remember,” or something based more on my gut than thorough research. If a topic really intrigues me, I might give a classic Haddock thorough response. But I can no longer guarantee long, consistent asks. I will, regardless, still respond to every ask I get!

I am so thankful for the experiences I have had with the HTTYD fandom and I would not trade my time on tumblr with you guys for anything. Seriously, you’ve all been amazing. I never would have expected to have such journeys, find such laughter, or make such friends as I have with all of you. Here’s to more fun times to come!

So now... the long version... 

I do encourage people to read it.

I have known for at least a year, if not two, that I could not keep up the pace of my blog analyses... not without sacrificing major opportunities or experiences in my life. I will be honest, me spending too much time on tumblr during my one year of the PhD program could have been one of the key reasons I couldn’t keep up. As much as I enjoy the community and as much as I am so happy to answer asks - it’s very fun and somewhat addictive - I know that I have to make decisions with my limited time.

I’m currently working three part-time jobs (~60 hours a week), am trying to find a good game plan for a stable lifelong career, and I have a lot of other adult-ing to do. When I do have free time, I want to be able to spend it hanging out with irl friends, reading books, studying theology and other topics of interest, reintegrating myself in the local church, writing novels, playing music, composing, drawing, conlanging, cosplaying, hiking, jogging, skiing, snowshoeing, watching good tv shows and movies, playing video games, spending time with family, making meaningful memories, etc.

I want to say that answering analyses on tumblr is something that is very meaningful to me. I don’t know how to say how touched I am that people are curious to hear my perspective. I never intended for kingofthewilderwest to be an analysis blog, yet here I am, wowed and grateful for over five thousand followers who have listened to me yak up a storm about an amazing franchise. I never would have imagined this would happen. I’m beyond grateful. What’s made it so worthwhile is interacting with you guys. I’m so happy to have had this experience and... I want to keep having this experience.

That said, answering asks on tumblr is perhaps not as “helpful” to me in the long run as working on a novel I hope to someday publish, or making sure I get a good night’s rest so I’m ready for another day of work. If I want to reach my life goals and have the meaningful experiences I dream of having, I have to make changes to my current day-to-day situation. I HAVE to. I want to get my life back in order, and I recognize my life has not been as “put together” since I started investing more time in tumblr. To get myself really firmly on track, I do have to loosen my hold on some of my free time activities, if not drop some things out altogether.

Answering analyses is a very time consuming process. VERY time consuming process. It can take me forty minutes or four hours to answer a single question. Not an exaggeration. This is because I often have to rewatch episodes and movies, do a bit of research online, give myself time to mull, and, all in all, invest a lot of time into answering a question. Even when I do consistently try my best to stay on track with answering asks... I cannot keep up with the volume of questions I receive. I wish I could, but I acknowledge I can’t. I still have asks in my inbox from the new year or older (Btw: the way my ask box system works: I keep the ask box open until I am >100 asks behind, then I close the box and answer all those, then open the ask box again). I am so, so sorry that I haven’t responded to all of you who have been patiently waiting for me, or you who may have even forgotten you sent in a question or comment.

I am sorry for all the people I will disappoint by not getting to your submitted asks with the thoroughness you were hoping. I will answer them, albeit not to my previous thorough standard. However, I hope you understand I feel it would be more thoughtful to provide you any response than to never return your messages.

My ask box has been closed because I still have about fifty asks left to answer before I’m caught up. But my ask box has been shut for a long time and I want to hang out with people and chat back and forth. So...

I’m going to open up my ask box again, but I hope you understand I suggest you do not inundate me with analysis requests. I want to open up my ask box so I can interact closely with everyone again... I always feel a little shut off and stale when I have my ask box closed. Now, you can send me analysis requests (when I’m not going through the really old ones in my drafts... again, sorry), but I cannot guarantee I will write an analysis in return. I’ll answer, but it might be a short “I’m not sure” or a few sentences of speculation instead of an essay. I’m happy to chat, I’m happy to discuss back and forth, whatever I want to do when I have the time for recreation, but I cannot be a one-person powerhouse publisher.

I don’t like doing this, but I’ve been needing to do this for a long time. So while I have the guts to write this and post it, I’m going to do it and make the decision final. Don’t make me back down. Don’t make me reverse this choice. Keep me accountable to my long-term life goals.

Another truth, and I am sorry to admit this to you guys, is that I’m not someone who’s used to staying in one fandom mindset for so long. I mean, I always love what I consume and always will get into it. But I’m more of the person to dance from passion to passion, from current interest to current interest, jumping in and out of the buzz of what I love. For instance, I might be on-and-off again with Star Wars, one year thinking about it and fanning about it a lot, another year not really caring. And I usually don’t get involved WITH a fandom... usually just scream about it with a few close irl friends and then move on. How to Train Your Dragon was a notable anomaly, a strange divergence from my typical patterning, and frankly it’s something I wouldn’t have stuck with for so long if not for my interaction with tumblr. If not for the HTTYD tumblr community, I likely would have been out of my HTTYD craze by mid-2015.

And while the HTTYD community has helped me sustain my ongoing interaction with the fandom, my personal passions are focused elsewhere now. I’m still always happy to talk dragons, mind! You guys can fuel me up again when I see you posting about it on tumblr. But in the last year and a half or two years, my mind hasn’t been focused on HTTYD. It’s been first Gravity Falls, then Undertale... and then, with the release of Andromeda, the Mass Effect franchise. I’ve also been going through crazes for things like Voltron: Legendary Defender. So, currently, my head is obsessing about Paladins and Alteans and Salarians and Spectres and Pathfinders and Space Exploration... not so much dragons and Vikings. It’s why my video game blog has been more active and responsive than this one. I’m very sorry if that statement disappoints you, friends. It’s a little weird for me too because I don’t know who all I can shout about my interests with (I only have a few friends who share these interests with me, and I’m sort of annoyingly “late in the fandom” if you know what I mean... don’t want to annoy the same people over and over again about something that’s 5+ years old, but who else do I talk to?). But, well, it is what it is. And it’s more fun for me to charge around with my latest obsession.

Let’s be clear: I’m not leaving you guys or running away or shutting myself off or becoming a hermit or anything. XD You guys mean too much to me to run off. I’m stuck here for good with you dragon nerds. Again, this community has been an extraordinary thing to me, and honestly, my interactions with the HTTYD fandom was the way I got out of a big depressive slump in 2014. So I’m still here! I’ll be staying here! I’m still going to commit to respond to every sincere message I receive! I’m just saying I’m going to invest less time in original posts, especially analyses. That’s all. :) 

It’ll be the best for my life. I hope you friends can all understand. We have to make decisions about the limited time in our lives.

But please! Feel free to chat and say hello and hop into my inbox again! Send little nothings or whatever’s on your mind. I’ve missed getting new asks! It’d be wonderful to hear from you again. <3

So yeah! That’s my honest report and stuff.

Take care, dragon nerds. 

[antikripkean]

Post #101 + Tumblr Recap

I had intended for this to be my 100th post, but I changed my plans due to unexpected circumstances. The following will be a very Tumblr-esque thing: a rant about my feelings.

TW/Disclaimers: Long; potentially boring; lots of rambling. Might not be very organized. There may be cringe. This is not logically focused and is meant to describe subjective matters. The purpose of this is for me to vent and make my feelings available to anyone curious. It is not meant to offend or argue a point. People do not have to cater to the feelings presented below.

History

I have a lot to say about my Tumblr experience so far, and I might as well start with the creation of this blog. I first started using Tumblr on a separate account back when I was less interested in politics and had yet to discover the wonders of people like Milo Yiannopoulos and Blaire White. (Though I was already a fan of Martin Shkreli.) At that time, I thought more about other topics such as anime, books, and Undertale. All of these things still interest me; I doubt that will change anytime soon. Still, I had expected to devote most of my blogging to the world of fandom.

That did not go as expected. I wasn’t very active on that blog for a number of reasons; real life obligations, lack of familiarity with formatting, posts getting deleted when I tried to post on the mobile app without saving them, and being a perfectionist with tagging. Whenever I began a post, I wanted to make sure I got everything just right and would sometimes stare at a few sentences for quite a long time before uploading them, and to my dismay, they would sometimes get deleted. Also, I was worried about art theft; I wasn’t (and still am not) sure whether using existing artwork or a photo off the internet for a background or avatar constituted art theft. I didn't know what sort of feel I wanted for my blog either, so I was unsure about what to draw and which colors I should use. And I had no idea what to write for my blog title and description.

Other things which irrationally troubled me were liking, reblogging, and following people. I think these are supposed to be some of the most enjoyable parts of Tumblr, yet they all made me somewhat stressed. I wasn’t sure how much I should like a post before I “like” it since there doesn’t seem to be a way to sort “liked” posts. I wondered if I should “like” every post which gave me a positive mental reaction or only the ones which I considered personally meaningful. I doubt it matters to most people, but I wanted a consistent standard for myself. As for reblogging, I didn’t want to do it very often since I wanted my blog to be almost exclusively my own content. With regards to following people, I wasn’t sure whether to follow anyone whose content I liked or only people who almost exclusively posted content that interested me. I also wasn’t sure whether I was socially obligated to follow Tumblrs from people I knew in real life if their content generally wasn’t about topics I enjoyed. I’m still not very sure of these things and probably still would not be if someone decided to talk to me about it. I’m the type who constantly thinks of counterarguments, so I’d probably get stressed holding them in or annoy whoever would try to help me.

Another major thing was the social aspect. I’m not particularly social in real life and was aware that I could find many people who share my fandom-related interests on Tumblr. And there are a lot of fandom people here, but since I barely liked, reblogged, or followed people, I wasn’t particularly noticeable. People had little incentive to interact with me as well since I barely had any posts, and my Tumblr wasn’t particularly good looking. I have low social initiative, so I wouldn’t try to initiate conversation as well.

So what changed?

Well, I was gradually becoming more interested in politics, social justice, and futurism. I was curious about the state of the world and the direction it was going. I always loved exploring moral issues in fiction and had increasingly thought about the ones in reality as well. Plus I love science and liked thinking of how it would develop in the future; I thought it important that society prepare for the effects of new technology.

And then there’s feminism. Feminism wasn’t even the social issue which interested me the most, but it was one of the ones (along with transgenderism) which raised the most questions. I used to think of feminism as a good thing and associated it with women becoming able to do things such as vote, work, and be educated. And as a child, I was sometimes bullied for being a girl with more traditionally masculine interests. I thought feminism not only made significant social changes for the rights of women but also would support girls like me who were being treated unfairly for not conforming to a limited gender role.

Over time, I read more about feminism on the internet and discovered that some people thought it was a bad thing. This confused me; how could people not believe women deserve equal rights? Were people really that sexist? I looked into this antifeminism movement a bit more. Not enough to discover its prominent leaders just yet, but to see what the basic arguments against it were.

What I learned was that many people who are against feminism believe that women have equal rights already and that feminism teaches women that they are inherently victimized by society and should blame men. The antifeminists saying those things no longer appeared sexist to me, but I was still confused. I hadn’t heard from feminists that I was doomed to be a victim because I was a woman or that I should hate men. The only thing I saw wrong with feminism was that some feminists believed all feminists should be pro-choice.

I did some more research, and I found that some feminists do say such things. The feminist movement no longer seemed as equal as I thought. At that point, I still thought such feminists were in the minority and that feminism was still needed to help women get rights such as educational opportunities and having a choice in their spouse elsewhere in the world where there is less gender equality.

I ended up taking two classes which heavily involved feminism and other areas of social justice. One of them was one of the best classes I’ve ever taken; the other one, not so much. I began to empathize with the antifeminist movement even more. I started planning a Tumblr essay analyzing women who don’t need feminism and explaining how both antifeminists and feminists bring up good points and should try to effectively communicate with each other.

I came across a website called Everyday Feminism during this, probably when I was researching trans people. I was very skeptical about the concept, and I wanted to see if my mind could be changed. After watching one of the videos, I found a response video and decided to watch it as well. Thus I discovered Blaire White, who did change my mind with her explanation of gender dysphoria. I realized I had misunderstood what it was previously. I watched more of her videos, which got me interested in other people such as Milo Yiannopoulos and Shoe0nhead. I was red pilled, and I felt like a whole new world of different perspectives and ideas had opened up to me.

I felt compelled to write about these topics, but I thought my current blog wouldn’t be the best place to do so. People might not want to look at my fandom material if they didn’t agree with my political content. I thought the solution would be to create a side blog. And so I did.

This new blog was titled AntiKripkean, named after my commitment against Kripkean dogmatism. (Kripkean dogmatism is when people dismiss anything contrary to their view due to it being contrary in and of itself.) I drew a background tiled with Bill Cipher (to represent my love of fandoms and my appreciation for trollish characters in both fiction and reality), the female symbol (indicating I support equality for women and am open to discussing feminism and antifeminism), Pepe the frog (as a tribute to the positivity I felt in my life after discovering the anti-SJW movement), and hearts (since I also value compassion, empathy, love, and peace). This background was meant to indicate the bizarre mix of ideas floating around in my head and to celebrate a diversity of subject matters. I drew a peach with inverted colors to make it look somewhat frozen, indicating my support for free speech.

Unfortunately, I realized that side blogs lack some of the features present in main blogs. I didn’t want my blogs associated with one another, and I found that a side blog can’t follow or like. I ended up making a new main blog with the same background, name, and avatar then reposting all the content from the original AntiKripkean. Thankfully, I only had ten posts. Thus this blog was created.

General Feelings

My Tumblr experience so far is not quite what I thought it would be. One big difference is that I thought I would do a lot more essay-type posts. I have a few longish ones, but a large portion of my original content is Martin Shkreli fanart and Milo gifs. There could be many possible reasons for this. One is that I like producing that sort of content, especially considering there is barely any available. I suspect that I might not feel as motivated to draw or make gifs as often if there were plenty of them already; I’d probably be staring at them for an inordinate amount of time instead. Another possible reason is that essays take more planning on my behalf, and I often will reread the same few sentences over and over again way too many times. I would like to do more essay posts, but I plan to continue making fanart and gifs as well, perhaps of other people such as Blaire White and Laci Green as well.

Currently, I’m the most proud of this particular drawing of Martin Shkreli. My digital art skills have been improving. While it doesn’t have the most notes out of all my posts, In the last few days, it’s become my most popular post (thanks, haters), and I’m proud of that since I worked very hard on it, and I consider it my best work on this site so far. I think I did well with the shading and colors. I also think I did a good job capturing how biased the media is against him. I still can’t draw hands well, though... ^^;

On the topic of people I draw, it still surprises me to see my Tumblr pop up as one of the top search results on this site for both Martin Shkreli and Milo Yiannopoulos. I know I feel very positively about both of them, but to see it acknowledged on the internet on a major website still feels surreal. I suppose it makes sense considering that most people on Tumblr think negatively about both of these people, yet I didn’t expect myself or my efforts to support them to be significant enough to warrant my placement in the search results. I feel happy that my content is prominent for others interested in these people and proud of myself for making it this far, yet I also wish that there were other people producing similar content. I’ve enjoyed having fandoms constantly producing content for books and anime, yet with Martin and Milo, I’ve been having to make the content for myself and anyone else interested. And I really like making it, though it’s a bit lonely when almost no one else on Tumblr is doing it as well.

I have generally felt good on Tumblr, though. I would like to thank my sister, @rightwingbarbie, @brightsapphireseas, and my chatroom frriends with accounts here (you know who you are) for making me feel welcome here; I appreciate all of you very much. I didn’t expect to be treated with such kindness here, and I’m truly grateful for you. Thank you to my followers as well; you’re also amazing.  ♥

People haven’t been getting upset in the way I’d expect, either. I thought that people would respond negatively to me almost as soon as I’d post content about controversial figures, yet it actually took a bit longer. I woke up one day to a bunch of notes after barely getting any before, and I was very surprised to have gotten what seemed to me like a lot of attention. (I’m aware it isn’t a lot, but in comparison to what I had gotten previously.) I was more upset about people speaking negatively of Martin Shkreli and Milo Yiannopoulos than people insulting me; I’m sick of lies about them being spread around all over the place. Still, it was somewhat amusing that people could get so upset over some drawings. And some people claimed to want me to die, which I’m not quite sure how to feel about. I’m cynically amused by the hypocrisy and double standards with regards to internet etiquette, but I’m a bit sad that people can be so close-minded. A lot of the people critical of me might be generally good people, and I don’t want to assume that anyone who disagrees with me, even if they do so rudely, is automatically a bad person. (I also want to add that I don’t draw controversial people to trigger SJWs; I do so to show my support for them. If people get triggered, so be it.)

I’m willing to talk to people even if they disagree with me, and I welcome ask box content. :)

The Past Few Days

When I realized that I had hit 99 posts, I began writing what you see here: a summary of my Tumblr experience and my ideas for the future of this blog. Due to an unexpected event a few days ago, there was a change of plans. I decided to dedicate my 100th post to Martin Shkreli instead. I can and will write a lot more about my feelings for what happened, but to stick with the theme of this post, this will be a recap of how it’s affected me on Tumblr.

I spent a few hours writing and editing Post #100, and Tumblr reacted to my previous posts more quickly than I can type. My art posts, or my favorite one in particular, were flooded with notes. (On the bright side, that post became the one with the most notes, which is what I’d wanted.) Many of the responses were negative, both towards Martin and myself.

Since Martin’s arrest, I’d get so many notes. My screen would light up with notifications all day. While most people would probably be happy about getting a lot of notes, my feelings were more complex.

The main thing was that I felt overwhelmed. I want and plan to respond to many of the comments and reblogs I’ve received, but there were so many to keep track of. I also wanted to finish my tribute to Martin and this post so they could respectively be Post #100 and Post #101. There are many claims I want to address. At least by the time this gets out I can begin to respond.

I’m aware that I could feel less overwhelmed by turning off my notifications, but I want to be fully aware of the impact of my actions and not cut myself off from knowing the consequences. Even if it can get distracting and overwhelming, I want to experience it regardless of whether I like it.

Also, it saddens me when people insult Martin. Whether or not it bothers him, to me, it’s an indication of the malice and ignorance present in society. I don’t think Martin is perfect and some may find him unlikable, yet almost all the criticism I see for him involves double standards or is founded on misleading premises and/or blatant lies. If people are to hate him, they should at least have a proper understanding of why. Still, an understanding of him could lead to them becoming fans, like it did in my case.

I’m not as bothered when people insult me. It doesn’t make me feel worthless or guilty; in fact, it strengthens my resolve. Some people have criticized me respectfully, but many of the negative comments are rife with profanity and lacking in logic. This is likely because they were posted with the intent of expressing negative emotions, not starting a dialogue or persuading me to change my mind. I respect people’s freedom of speech to do this, but it only goes to show that they prioritize their own feelings and degrading mine over rational discourse. And I’m not saying all of my critics are like this, but the more rational replies are unfortunately limited. It makes them as a whole seem rather unkind and lacking in the critical thinking department, and it’s giving me delusions of grandeur. I’ve been reminding myself that I’ve messed up in the past as well, and these people might be kind and intelligent in other areas of life.

I started looking through my reblogs after finishing Post #100 so I could determine who to respond to. While reading the responses and tags, I also noticed other things on people’s blogs. I feel like many of the people don’t quite see what they’re doing. I recall some of them specifically stating in their descriptions that they are nice and want to help others. This leads me to think that they might generally be (or at least imagine themselves to be) this way, yet they perceive me as a negative being undeserving of this component of their personalities. Some of them share things in common with me such as being demisexual, loving animals, and being fascinated by MBTI. Many of them are also fandom people. As a fan myself, I’m a bit disappointed by their behavior. While I recognize that liking something doesn’t mean one has to agree with or like everything about it, fandoms have influenced me to see people as deserving of respect, to look beyond public opinion, and to try to empathize with and understand others. It seems kind of wrong to me that Undertale fans won’t show mercy (and yes, I know there’s a genocide route), Game of Thrones fans disregard individual complexity, and FMA fans act as if people they don’t like have no value. Yet I try to see them as people, not just hateful text on a screen. But some can be very cruel.

There have even been threats and incitement of violence towards Martin himself. I doubt any of the people doing this pose a real danger, but this still goes against Tumblr’s community guidelines. I’m not referring to the people who say he has a punchable face or that they wouldn’t mind if (or even hope that) harm befalls him. I’m talking about people who say they will harm Martin or are requesting that others do so. I’m pondering whether I should report these people; ironically, the main things holding me back are the words of the people they hate. I want to give these people the mercy that Martin did not receive, and Milo has said that people should not have their lives destroyed over jokes, and I think these threats may have been intended as jokes. (Though Milo did say that threats and inciting violence do not constitute free speech.) I’m not sure what the consequences would be for these people if I reported them, and I don’t want them to be banned from Tumblr, subjected to legal investigation, or thrown in jail. I think they should have the opportunity to learn from their mistakes, and I’m not sure how Tumblr would handle the situation.

People have also been telling me to kill myself. I’m thankfully not suicidal, but if I were, I wonder how these people would feel and what would happen to them if I really did take their suggestion. I want to respect their freedom of speech, but I really don’t like that they’re saying this because they may get in the habit of it (if they aren’t already) and end up telling it to someone who’d actually do it. I don’t know whether this is covered under freedom of speech, but it’s an awful thing to say. Words have consequences. And for anyone reading this, please know that your life matters. If someone tells you to kill yourself, don’t do it; you are precious, and your life has meaning. And on a side note, Martin mentioned before that he wanted to develop a drug to treat suicidality. So not only are people urging me to commit suicide; they are taking a stand against someone who wants to help suicidal people.

I haven’t received anywhere near as much negativity as others, yet for me, it appeared to be a lot in comparison to my previous experiences on the internet. I was fully aware that this could happen, though. I’m not quite sure if what’s happening to me constitutes harassment; I haven’t blocked anyone no matter what they’ve said to me. (Yet some have left me hateful messages and blocked ME when I didn’t even say anything to them.) While I dislike what people are saying, I want to be aware of it, and I respect their freedom to say it. I also want to be able to have respectful discussions with those who are willing.

Future Content

I really think I should make a FAQ page, disclaimer list, an about me page, and a tag index. That may be useful to some people.

I also will be drawing more fanart and making more gifs, but for now, I plan to do longer text posts, with evidence to support my viewpoints. It will probably take a while to both write these posts and do my research, but I think it would be more useful if I produced more intellectual content.

I’d also like to cover more topics including but not limited to the environment, the abortion debate, feminism, futurism, racism, my personal experiences with political discussion, mental health, parallels and differences between fiction and reality, representation in fiction, cultural appropriation, reviews and responses to other content, SJWs, trolling, and the importance of lingual clarity. And I side with liberals on some issues and conservatives on others, so I plan to discuss my Leftist opinions as well. Yet for now, expect a lot more posts about Milo and Martin.

I’m not quite sure how to end this, but I hope my presence on Tumblr can benefit others as well as myself. I’d like to be able to start some discussion about various issues and help people who need advice. I look forward to posting more content.

And thanks to anyone who read through this entire mess of a post. ♥

[bcactoarts]

VENT INCOMING! More on the break!

This artwork here represents what is going on in me, and I believe it is time that I come clean here. Keep in mind I am not that good in making walls of texts. (I apologize in advance if you are unable to skip this in your mobile device.)

First off, I want to say thank you for following me and taking a look on my art gallery here. While this blog here is meant to share my art on tumblr, and as much as I do enjoy the recent artwork I have made, I do have something else going on in the past two and a half years. I have something to hide: my deviantart, my twisted motivations, and my past. I may look like a nice person, but the truth is, at the same time, I am just a bore and a degenerate.

I started this art gallery in here because I wanted to branch out my artwork onto other sites besides deviantart, and get to meet new people who would be interested in seeing my tumblr art. At first, I wanted to avoid bringing up my deviantart to hide away my old artwork, including my badly made fetish art. I admit I was ashamed of the many drawings I made back in the day, and to feel worse an art thief spammed my outdated artwork on Derpibooru without my permission, angering many people. I didn’t leave deviantart completely, I somewhat told myself that one day I can make my dA better again as soon as my art gets better.

On the bright side, I used the said incident and my deviantart as motivation to improve on my art, like a reminder that I have a long way to go and how far I have gone. However, in order to make more time, I had to ignore many of my other interests I usually enjoy. Eventually, I grew consumed to my desire to become a better artist, even to spam my improved art on Derpibooru just to prove them wrong. As I persevere for the past two and a half years, I manage to make both good artwork and some mediocre ones.

Even though I had made major improvements in my art, I couldn’t stop thinking of how my art is still not good enough. I shared my art on several communities, they get easily ignored most of the time, even if some of the art were well made.

On another note, I grew envious towards some people, I even compared myself to a certain variety of others on how their art is better than mine, especially with their good and mediocre art. Before you assume, I DO NOT compare with the more professional art.

I didn’t just compare myself and others with art, also with their social value. Social value was a critical thing for me. It is where I would feel wanted by others. I draw because it was my way to communicate than just talking. I was never was good at socializing or making conversations. I usually let my art do the talking for me. Usually, I am afraid people would find me annoying if I mention anything stupid or irrelevant out in the blue, or just standing there being awkwardly silent. I had to hold myself back in many of my interests in order to fit in. I also felt many of my ideas would be undesirable.

Speaking of socializing, I was known to be annoying and toxic in various communities both real life and online. Taking everything and jokes seriously, anger issues, and spamming memes. I was bullied a lot. Even other people were manipulated into provoking me, as well. Even with evidence, nobody would listen anyway. People were always one sided and hardly listens to the victim.

To be honest, I do enjoy memes past and present, including John Cena, Harambe, Shoop da Whoop, Gangnam Style, and Youtube Poop. Yes, I find youtube poop to be still funny even a decade later. I am also random and say a lot of stupid things, even at the inappropriate times. I did annoy people intentionally and unintentionally, even being reckless around others.

I also want to let everyone know, before I am too late to bring this up, I have committed rude and intrusive actions to select people, one being a friend of mine, in this community last year in order to receive further interaction, increase art interaction and value, and to build connections with their followers. I even took pictures of their OC plushies without permission not only to force crossovers with my former ask blog with theirs’, but also to trick them into venting because I knew these select people refuse to speak up and be honest with me. Again, one of them was a friend of mine.

The worst part, I hurt myself the most out of all this, because I kept thinking I was never good enough, I let my thoughts dwell in such negativity, and I am basically my worst enemy out of all this. Sometimes, I just really want to cry alone on my desk.

I just want to say I am deeply sorry that all of you have to see me like this, especially when I wanted to achieve selfish goals for my own benefit. If you are willing to forgive me or cheer me up, you are free to do so. On the other hand, if you wish to just unfollow me or demonize me, then I understand.

[bestdestined-a-blog]

where the hell has kat been and what is she doing with her blogs?

   the short answer? I’ve been consumed by mass effect andromeda, and I’ll be back on my blogs soon. the long answer? well that’ll be in detail below the cut. just know that I do miss RP, I just havent been super interested in it these days. but I wish you all the best and thank you for sticking around bc you all rock.

so yes I bought andromeda and it sucked me in. then I went out of town for a bit to visit some family. but besides being preoccupied, I’ve had a stressful couple of months. there’s been some drama with a friend of mine crossing some boundaries I’m not comfortable with her crossing in regards to my family, and I have no idea how to address this with her and it is bothering the heck out of me. my mood has been shot because of it, and my mood hasn’t been great to begin with.

there’s a little bit of depression talk coming up that might be a bit triggering, so if you don’t wanna read that, skip the next paragraph.

my depression came back and I’m on pills again. have been for a couple weeks now. I’m not super thrilled about it tbh bc I kinda hate being on meds. they help but I hate having to take them and I hate the side effects and I hate paying for them, tho they are easily affordable. it’s just annoying. between that, a somewhat unreliable support system and the odd suicidal thought, my mental illness has been kicking my ass, and being stressed about tumblr wasn’t helping, so stepping away was really really nice. now don’t worry about me, I haven’t hurt myself or anything, but some days I’m just. uncertain about my life in general.

I want to use tumblr as an outlet again. when I have a good time here, it’s wonderful. but I think I need to change the way I’ve been approaching these blogs. so here is my plan for the three blogs I currently have:

Jim @bestdestined - I’ve toyed with the idea of remaking this blog and I came really close to doing so a couple weeks ago. but here’s my plan. I’m gonna work on cleaning out my drafts, answering and dropping some things - I will do an inventory on my drafts at some point soon. once everything is answered, I’ll decide whether to stay here or to move to a fresh blog with possibly a fresh URL.

my multimuse @cosmosbound - still a pretty new blog so that is not going anywhere. gonna keep developing the current muses and adding new ones, though that will be a slow and ongoing process.

dipper @ursapine - my backup blog, likely to remain low activity. I love the kid but I can’t commit to him at the moment so he’s gonna be on and off.

ALL BLOGS - lower activity all around. I will get on when I like, I will answer things when I like, I will do things as I feel them and I will be less hesitant to drop things. if this ends up affecting you at all, PLEASE don’t take it personally. I need to do things at my own pace and I need to keep my stress levels down.

if you read all of this then thank you. I love you lots and I look forward to writing with you again moving forward. you deserve sunshine and happiness and a hell of a lot more for putting up with me ♥♥♥

[angocanhha]

just a text post

(trigger warning: sexual assault, sex, genitals, porn, masturbation)

hi, bao lau chua gap. (saying hi reminded me of a suboi song, which that is a line from.)

lookit me, writing in this tumblr, thinking about you reading it. 

in my class yesterday, someone mentioned how ‘our (asian) community’ minimizes pain in order to move forward and that really gets to me especially when thinking about rape culture + beyond. i think you and i worry about the other person a lot, whether or not you are annoying or bothering me, whether or not i am pressuring you, and i think it really shows how much mental capacity we have. and i think we can also maybe try worrying less in that way so we can free up mental capacity.

i just went to planned parenthood to get an sti check, i am still hiv negative, woo. i did find out in september that i have hpv though. that spun my mind. who did i get it from? when did i get it? did i give it to q?

where is a place for me to process about he who should not be named? i guess it’s going to be here.

he liked me in high school. he asked me to junior prom. he liked movies back then. he still likes movies now. he smokes a lot of weed. he drives a blue tesla. he is a software engineer. (is this too much?) life is quite a spectacle and i wonder if there’s a purpose to everything, like if stars really align and we are part of a landscape of god (part of my class yesterday.) i imagined all the cells on my body having lives like we do, having relationships and conflicts of sorts, and eventually those cells die and make way for new cells. my body is an ecosystem, like this earth is.

but i guess back to the dude. he’s somewhat of an incel, i just learned this word. i called him a misogynist when i was drunk. we got drunk a lot, i got high somewhat. he has a younger sister and he has a mother who he cares for. at least i think he does. we exchanged secrets, we made secrets. and he made a mistake. he violated me. i think about extorting money from him. and i ask myself if i would feel better. i ask if i would keep wanting more. i ask if i would feel cheap or empowered. it’s sad. it’s really sad.

i thought this guy was my friend. i thought i was his friend. he made a mistake. he violated me. he gifted me trauma and he is the second person to do so. it’s sad, it’s really sad.

it’s been about a month since i last saw him, since i stopped talking to him, since i last spoke with him. i wonder what i would do if i saw him at a coffee shop, on the street, in a store, at a gathering. i wonder when im going to tell his sister, if i’m going to tell his mother, if i’m going to tell his future girlfriend or wife. do i want him to suffer? what if he doesn’t suffer?

there is a thich nhat hanh buddhism precept/principle that says sexual relations is hurtful., actually, here’s the actual text:

knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, i am determined not to engage in sexual relations without true love and a deep, long-term commitment made known to my family and friends.

it’s part of the five mindfulness trainings. and it resonates deeply with me now.

i’ve used sex. i used sex to create excitement and distract. sex as a drug is so powerful, it puts me in a mental state that is out of this world, it motivates me and uplifts my mood for a very long sustained period of time. it’s a way for me to express with my body what i feel in my mind whether that be adoration, obsession. the thrill takes over and the dopamine / serotonin high seems to cure my mental negativity. i have acted foolishly for physical affection and the price for sex is higher than i imagined.

so what am i running from? what is my life like that i am so excited by sex? i mean sex feels great sometimes but now that i know the consequences, what will it be like to do without it. i really didn’t think that i wanted to go without it. but i do remember when my mom gave me the talk. i remember us going for a walk around our block and her bringing up sex with me, which i thought was out of character. or maybe i brought it up, i’m not sure. what i still remember though is her telling me that sex doesn’t need to be practiced or experimented with. when i find the right person, we will have a lifetime to explore (+improve?) and i took that message away with me, that i can wait until i get married to have sex.

but then i didn’t. desire is strong. the body rewards sexual sensations. but i think i kept it pretty under control until my third year of college.

it’s sad to think that the first time i was penetrated, i did not give consent. it happened and i was ok that it happened. i only realized the importance of affirmative consent to me years later and i’m glad i brought it up with that queer partner who penetrated me. we had a lot of sex after the first time. and i guess the rest is history.

i’ve thought about stopping. i’ve thought about not having sex until i am ‘really’ married. but i always cave, i always get lusty and think, what’s the point. especially in the moment.

maybe i’ll try again. maybe i’ll wait for that special someone that i decide i could and will spend the rest of my life with to get nekkid and have fun with. until then, we’ll just skirt around lips and leave cloth on our genital areas. i can find other ways to satisfy the craving that won’t leave me wondering my worth.

because nowadays, i find it hard to masturbate. i think of him and stop. i feel sad and angry. and i wonder if he’s stopped masturbating too. it’s sad. maybe i could watch porn and i have, i especially condone crashpad series. but maybe i also need to write a couple more posts about sex. so i have a better understanding of my body and mind when it comes to genitals and such.

after the first assault, i returned to sex after i returned to the u.s. and my partner. i thought maybe it would be hard but it turned out easier than i thought it would be. but i do recognize that oral being performed on me is pretty intimate for me. the other person would know what i taste like. but i wonder if it’s bc of how that person assaulted me that i hold that act so close to my heart, to protect it. i mean, i’m also self conscious about how i smell and taste down there but i guess that’s a vulnerability that can also be rewarding.

him though, i guess i’m still recovering. the first time, there was a two month waiting period before i could have sex with my partner again. trauma from sexual assault can be a pretty effective lust killer if not sex-prevention tool (such a sad joke, but i guess i need it.) it’s been about a month since the last time we had sex and so maybe i just need to wait another month until i’m ok to do it again.

but i don’t think i will. i don’t really want to use sex as a drug anymore. it will probably be hard but maybe this time my resolution will stick.

queued monday feb 22 11:16A, edited 3:23P