#i have therapy at 10 am i should Not be awake rn

[dimonds456]

"I should probably go to sleep."

"I should also probably go to sleep. Goodnight!"

"Goodnight!"

[hangs up Discord call]

[scrolls through tumblr into the vacuum of time]

[when the fuck did it become 5:30 AM]

"...shit."

[echoequinox]

rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you wish to know better (i’m not gonna do that lmao). tagged by @hardisonparker​

name/nickname: echo! no nicknames, thank god

gender: woman comma trans question mark

star sign: i was born under the sign of the shadow on the first of sun’s height (or cancer, for the boring astrology)

height: 5′ 10″ (blech, tall girl squad)

time: 8:42am - only awake this early for a therapist who isn’t responding

birthday: july 1

favorite bands: at the moment uhhhh i dont... really listen to a lot of band bands. i’ll just say linkin park still

favorite solo artist: matt maeson and porter robinson for fuckin SURE

song stuck in my head: hero too from my hero academia by... chrissy costanza, i think?

last movie: i think my roommate made me watch To All the Boys I Loved Before: The Third One

last show: cw flash!! i’m really into it rn it’s fuckin great, cisco is a gem tbh

when did you create this blog: like..... 2013 i think, it was when i came out

what do I post: rarely anything, i dunno, clowns?

last thing googled: survey says.... elder scrolls star signs for the above joke JFDKSALC

do I get asks: no :) <3

why I chose my url: when i changed my name to echo i wanted to overhaul my brand so i moved from realityengineer/realityassassin to echoequinox. equinox doesn’t actually have any special meaning, it’s just another E word i liked, like echo

following: 286 but i really should go prune that and then follow new blogs with my more recent hyperfixations (like flash and my hero)

followers: i actually have like 400 followers but i keep forgetting followers on tumblr don’t mean shit like they do on twitter - zero fuckin engagement when it’s not people you know personally

average hours of sleep: anywhere from 6-14 hours a day, broken up every two hours by my insane sleep apnea that stops my breathing completely. i snore really bad lmfao 

lucky number: lucky? none. i like 7s though, like 7, 17, 27, etc. maybe it’s because they’re usually prime

instruments: so i played trombone in high school (ilu @exrayspex <3) but i dont play anything as of late. i really wanna get into music and make fun music in a daw like fruityloops, which i wholeheartedly believe to be an instrument

what am I wearing: this pink shirt that’s too small for me, like all my shirts. that’s it. the bare minimum of a therapy zoom call

dream job: either novelist or video game designer/writer. i really like writing. i wrote a really smutty monster fucker erotica that i’d love to publish but no one to read and edit it lmao whomp whomp (like it put it up on twitter and it didn’t even get any likes, it was rough)

dream trip: somewhere overseas. i really like italy and i’ve wanted to go to greece since i saw it in mamma mia lmfao 

last book I read: OOOOOH the new star wars novel from the high republic uhhh light of the jedi i think. “read” is a strong word - i finished about half of it and got distracted by everything else in my shitty life

favorite food: taco bell, PERIOD. more specifically like... the crunchwrap i guess - lots of meat and cheese, in a convenient to eat package (pro-tip: customize it in ANY way or you’ll get one of the ones sitting on the rack for like an hour). or the quesadilla but you literally have to get extra everything for it to be worth it, but the sauce is to die for. get the app, y’all, you can customize whatever you want super easy, pay for it there, and at the drive thru be like “i have a mobile order for echo” and that’s IT. minimal contact, it’s a godsend

nationality: white (american)

favorite song: uhhh? right now it’s either Hero Too from my hero or Get Your Wish by Porter Robinson 🥺 it feels so painfully trans (also whenever i see porter robinson i think of the “your brother is gnc af” “YOURE INSANE” post because got damn porter is gnc af lmfao)

top three fictional universes: i gueeess i gotta say....... tamriel (elder scrolls), thedas (dragon age), and the my hero universe? yeah that tracks

[thethirdwheel404]

Med Rewatch Series (#10)

S3 E10: Down By Law.

Episode Description: Dr. Manning sustains an injury while helping a drive-by victim and Dr. Rhodes finds himself in uncomfortable waters.

Connor being in ‘uncomfortable waters’? I can hear Ava bullying him already.

(also i wrote a little thing abt maggie giving ava a red bull so enjoy that little bit of content)

Let’s get into it.

-barry just yeeted natalie against a car holy shit that’s fucking hilarious

-will needs to chill the fuck out

-YESSSSS

-THIS WHERE CONNOR BRINGS THE WOMAN HE WENT OUT WITH UP FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT. AND THEN AVA HARASSES HIM FOR IT.

-this is one of the most iconic ava moments. (it’s first thing that pops up under the tumblr tag)

-ava overhearing connor not knowing his date’s last name. and ava walking over, already getting ready to make fun of him. barely concealing her smile

-the confidence with which she set down the file. she was too prepared and too excited

-this could just turn into a list of ava quotes

-”It must be hard, remembering all their names.”

“You know I read Derek Jeter used to send his conquests home with a gift basket. But a full cardio work up is... It’s much classier.”

-ava bekker secret baseball fan?

-Connor: “Jeter? You a baseball fan?”

Ava: “Oh, no. It’s much too boring. But I love gossip.”

-interesting. very, interesting... is it weird to anyone else to think about ava liking gossip?

-like the idea is fun and all but i hate the idea of ava being suuuper obsessed with gossip. it makes her seem way too shallow in my book. that being said, one of my hcs about women gossiping about all the shit men do to ava bc they know she’ll call them on it now has a lot more precedence

-i know she explicitly says that baseball is boring but i can’t get the idea of ava being a secret baseball fan out of my head. its just so novel

-HER SHIT EATING GRIN

- Connor: “Well, we will get you in and out of here as quickly as possible.”

Ava: “That’s what Dr. Rhodes is renowned for around here. Quick in and outs.”

Connor: *turns to her condescendingly*

Ava: *two finger salute* “I’m Dr. Bekker, by the way.”

-the lesbian icon jumped out

-also the fact that in the previous episode Ava’s mentor did the exact same salute. idk what it means but it’s not that important

-ava trying to hide her smile when asking the woman if she wanted them to contact her husband

-ava overhearing again when latham tells connor the woman he was with was doing cocaine

-ava smirking when connor says that he thinks the heart attack was from his sex and not the cocaine

-connor thinking he’s so good at sex he’s going to give this woman a heart attack

-he really drives All the ladies wild in EveryWay (sex, suicide. he’s the whole package)

-latham asking connor point blank “did you partake in the cocaine?”

-the ct team gives connor so. much. shit. it’s so funny

-also. ava just chillin at her desk looking at scans? that’s the kind of content i want to see. just her just being there. doing her own thing. that’s what i want

-THE GUY WITH A TEENAGE WIFE IS A REVEREND HOLY SHIT

-counting down the minutes til natalie drops dead (passes out but yk a girl can dream lol)

-sarah. back at it again with her rayon jacket and button up and backpack. the coffee cup only adds to the aesthetic

-connor being surprised that latham isn’t gonna let him do surgery on the women he fucked (twice, he might add)

- whatever you do, don’t think of a brown bear. are you thinking about it?

-maggie dealing red bull to people who need it. that’s a very soft idea

- ex:

Dr. Bekker is sitting at the desk in the ED. Well, sleeping, more like it. Her head is resting on her fist, her elbow precariously close to slipping off the the chair armrest, and her eyes open by just a hair.

“Dr. Bekker.”

Ava jolts awake.

“Maggie,” Ava says, strong accent cutting through, acknowledging the person standing over her. Hastily, she adjusts her jacket and scrubs, smoothing them back into place.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this tired.”

Ava shrugs, seamlessly slipping back into easy confidence.

“Rough couple of cases. Nothing I can’t handle.”

“Uh huh,” Maggie says, unbelieving.

She sets a can of Red Bull on the desk with a knowing look.

“You need this more than anybody.”

Ava scoffs. “Those things? They are murder on your heart, come on.”

Maggie hums and walks away. Ava watches her leave, and when she’s out of sight, Ava darts forward, grabs the energy drink, immediately cracking it open and downing half of it.

- anyway.

- @punksarahreese that’s on you for making me believe ava loves energy drinks

- let’s continue

- sarah looking at charles telling her not to do something: I am not going to do a thing you said

- go off babe. it was the wrong decision but go off

- all the nurses watching this guy call nat a bitch:  👀 👀 👀 👀

- will being like: god that guy called you a bitch i fucking hate him

- and natalie being like: he is also refusing to let us treat the 14 yr olds cancer but you obviously have priorities

- sarah is so logical. she’s good at talking to people. can you FUCKING IMAGINE IF SHE HAD BETTER GUIDANCE (oh and less trauma)

- this is also the one with that hilarious screen cap of sarah holding a knife

- the way she is so calm about handing this patient a knife gives me anxiety

- THIS SCENE IS SO HARD TO WATCH IT SCARES ME SO MUCH

- sarah just in alone in a room with a man who keeps having visions of stabbing his wife. and her just handing him a fucking knife oh my god i have too much anxiety for this

- rewatching the series and getting completely confused bc norma is 5′7″ but she looks so short next to colin and the guy who plays latham

- AND RACHEL IS ALSO 5′ 7″ BUT THEY BOTH LOOK SO SHORT - WHY EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW SO TALL

- anyway. ignore that that’s not important

- I... the parallels btwn sarah offering this guy the ability to slit her throat (for therapy) and ava cutting her throat... i don’t know what to do with this information

- idk but sarah holding the knife got me feelin some type of way

- the way connor looks at ava with such contempt bc she... does her job (and his but yk) especially during the hug wtf dude honestly just stop looking at her

- this is also the episode where ava pawns off the patient’s hug onto connor. while yeah, it could ava just being annoying to connor by forcing him to hug his one night stand’s husband, but she did give connor due credit. (and something to be said about her being confused and a tad uncomfortable when the patient hugs her, which is why she pawns it off to rhodes)

- she also doesn’t hug the guy back, which is kind of funny, she never moves her arms and just shrugs out of it

- and like after the hug she takes a few steps away from the guy, really not wanting any more physical contact or attention

- there’s something interesting in ava’s expression when connor gets hugged by the guy, can’t quite explain it. i’m gonna go with it’s her trying to keep a straight face while connor hugs a man he just helped a woman cheat on, but that’s not all of it so

- or. okay, I think i got it. i think that that little expression when connor gets hugged is her rolling her eyes at him getting credit when ava did most of the heavy lifting. yes. final answer. i’m satisfied

- and her looking away from them is her stopping herself from laughing, bc connor is obviously not enjoying this

- and he’s so sad and angsty he can’t even play along with the jokes

- and ava smiling at him with pity as she walks in to talk to the patient, bc that’s really what it is. she feels bad for him bc connor is so obviously lonely

- and connor’s annoyed bc ‘dammit she does have a right to pity me i suck rn’

- med pushing the women are tough agenda LITERALLY SHUT THE FUCK UP

- you hate your women characters so much just fucking shut your mouth

- and will being like ‘ i have a lot to learn about women not being objects’

- and nat saying ‘you are way further along than most’ like no, he’s not. the bar is on the ground and he still can’t jump it

- i’m pretty sure this show doesn’t pass the bechdel test. holy fucking shit it doesn’t. you’ve gotta be kidding me. (at least this episode doesn’t)

I can’t believe this episode didn’t pass the bechdel test. The only convo btwn two women were like maggie and sharon and they talk about barry and oh my god this is infuriating god med the bar is so low. And I’m pretty sure most episodes don’t pass the test anyway. Will is literally the representation of med. He gets lots of credit for doing bare minimum things like giving women rights.

Anyway.

This was a good episode. We dissected a lot of unspoken Ava things, which is very good. Ava had a lot of moments where she was there, but didn’t say anything, and when your characters can do that, that’s when you know your characterization is very good.

The moments where Ava isn’t really doing anything to forward the plot of the episode but she’s still just there, doing her own thing, are hands down my favorite. Her sitting at the desk looking at a scan while connor tells latham he didn’t do cocaine could possibly my favorite ava moment in the series, just bc it shows how much of her own character should could’ve been.

I drew an interesting parallel btwn sarah offering the guy to slit her throat and ava’s death. i have nothing for that but go wild

This episode also showed us Ava pitying Connor, another new aspect. she gives him shit but she also pities him. very good ep for little ava moments

as always, thanks for sticking through it

-

read the rest here:

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 11 / Part 12 / Extra

[assholemurphy]

i am awake at 5am bc i got drunk af last night. starting at 9pm. i didn’t stop until 2am. i drank a fuckton. more than i should have. it was 47%. kracken’s the good shit, i s2g. but i shouldn’t have drank so much. i’m getting bad with this shit. i drink a lot, lately. i mean, it’s college and i can, but my roommate’s worried i’m gonna be an alcoholic (spoiler: she is, but that’s none of my business) but my counselor literally laughed at that suggestion (bc i got drunk on a tues night and then had ONE drink the next night) and said i’m fine. but.... well, i’m not entirely sure. bc drinking is nice and relieves stress and therefore i’m going to end up doing it a lot bc i’m always stressed. but i’m okay with that. if i become an alcoholic, i’ll be a functioning one, so it won’t rly matter, not in a way that could affect my degree and that’s all i care abt. i’ll sort the shit later, but first, i need a career. then i can pay for rehab, lmao.

but, i was invited to a cast party for the show i was in (i got stopped in public yesterday by a guy who complimented me on it!) and i wasn’t sure i was gonna go, and i said i didn’t know if i was to my roommate, goldilocks, who took it as ‘oh, she’s not going’ and then proceeded to find a ride, make plans, etc to go without me. that’s fine? not rly, but i said it was. so i didn’t go to the cast party. instead i invited the victory bros (my friends, pretty boy and rafiki, no, their name isn’t actually victory, that’s a long, weird ass story) but i invited them over and pretty boy and i got drunk, rafiki didn’t. it was a lot of fun. i think i preferred it just being us to being in a house full of ppl who don’t rly like me to begin with. i mean, some of them do, but not enough of them for me to feel comfortable getting drunk with all of them. i did want to go, even got dressed nice for it, but when my roommate said she had made other plans, i said ‘fuck it’ and decided to hang out with my actual friends, not a bunch of ppl who pretend to like me for appearances. i think that was the better choice, tbh.

but, i’ve decided to start focusing on getting my shit together as opposed to trying to save goldilocks. she doesn’t want to get better, i’ve offered her help, i’ve let her drag me down to the point where i’m missing class and not turning in hw and i can’t do that. i need to fix myself and i can’t do that if i’m trying to fight her. i love her, a lot, but jfc, she needs professional help and i’m just not what she needs rn. she needs more than pretty boy and i can give her, and she’s so fucking unwilling to take the help we do offer. i’m gonna feel hella guilty for not saving her, but i can’t fix her if she doesn’t want help. so, i’ll deal. and work on myself. i’m slowly getting better, with the help of pretty boy, rafiki, and my counselor. i’m not undoing all of my progress for her, i can’t. i won’t. so, i’m gonna stop trying to fix her and just work on myself. i need to withdraw a little bit so i’m not as reactive to her. we’re both empaths and feed on other ppl’s emotions, so since she’s literally always anxious/upset/angry/etc, i feel it and it makes me upset, too, and that in turn feeds her more, and again and again in circles. it’s like living in a nuclear reactor. idk what to do. we used to be close, but lately she’s been pulling away and hanging with other ppl (which is obvs fine) and shitting on my friends (not fine) and blowing me off to do other things even when we had plans (also not fine). i’m getting srsly tired of it. idk what to do. i don’t want to ruin things, but it’s beginning to become obnoxious. she’s so fucking fragile, too, that anything she sees as conflict or an attack makes her shut down or go off on me. i thought my bipolar disorder was bad, at least i’ll admit i need medication.

anyway, i haven’t slept yet but i’m going to try around 8 bc i’ve got to make sure she’s up so she can do a theatre thing at the high school here. why that’s my responsibility, idk, but she asked and wouldn’t let me say no (i said no, but she kept asking, bc i was going to try to sleep at like, 3) so i’m staying up until she’s awake, then i’ll pass out. but i’ve got a killer headache (i need more water, but it’s in the fridge and that’s so far) and i just want to sleep. then when i wake up i’ve got to start on my hw. i’ve got 5 assignments and my therapy assignment thing to do. that should take a total time of like 8 hours, but i may have more to do for my script analysis group project, so it may be closer to 10 hours. then i need to make up my planner (i bought an hourly one and a monthly one), update my wall calendar for the month, put together my desk calendar, and get started on reading the next script for intro to theatre (which i might just do on sun) so i’m caught up/ahead. i’ll get that done this weekend and try to get some writing done, bc i need some self care in my life and writing is my self care. but these past few days i’ve been falling apart and i need to grab ahold of my fucking bootstraps and duct tape them to my fucking ears. bc i’ve got to get my shit in order. i just have to. so, i’ve got like 15 hours of work and organizing to do this weekend but then i’m free.

i’m dying, cats. this is too much at once and i’m drowning in other ppl’s emotions. i think i’m just gonna start going to the library bc this whole apartment is like a spawning ground for bad shit. so, i may pack up today or sunday and go to the library and get some work done there. but rn i’m gonna shower and try not to puke (i don’t get hangover’s, i’ve just felt sick all week, but hey, got my period, so ik i’m not pregnant! not that i logically could be, but ya know, paranoia). so, that’s what’s currently happening with izzy on today’s ep of ‘no kill shelter: god’s fav sitcom’ (for the other stories, one must speak directly to rafiki, pretty boy, and goldilocks)

[hopelesslylovesick]

back

03/04/17 || 1:14 am

I picked up today. 2.5gs I somehow ended up back here. She was understandably disappointed and frustrated. Ironic that it’s today. Seeing how I was crossfaded af yesterday night, and tomorrow I have therapy. I have 6.5-7 lines set up. Let’s do this.

Started off with the 2 smaller lines. 

I want that high full force. I’m doing one more.

Still not quite there, going to do half of one.

1:39 am

I did a bit more a bit ago. I think she fell asleep. She doesn’t think she can help me anymore I think. Also, she said something that sort of made me appreciate her a bit more. When she said she doesn’t want to give in to me like she did to him. In a way that’s both comforting and hurting at the same time. Oh well. 

This...numbing...the clearness...the adrenaline...yet relaxation...I missed this. 

Nevermind she’s not asleep. We’re talking about the whole how I learned how to tie a noose yesterday.

I don’t know what I need help with. Not for like myself, but figuring out wise. Maybe the therapist thing will help with that, maybe I do have a problem and I’m afraid to admit it. But as it is now, I just know I’m trying to figure out something related to her and probably him too, I just don’t know what. I’m hoping I have an epiphany or something and find out.

1:45 am

Going to do the other half of a line I did earlier.

1:58 am

I have one line left. I might get some more. I just said something to her that made me realize it while I said it. I can’t run away anymore without the help of something. I don’t know if that;s a normal or a bad thing, but it’s the truth. Substances are the best distraction, because they don’t let me think as much as I do.

2:03 am

Great, I just admitted to her that in ways I’m more of a coward then him. Wonderful.

Fucking gotta love coke, letting me admit all kinds of things I would never sober.

2:11 am

She went to go sleep. I think I’m going to do the rest pretty soon. I sort of want to get some more out but I don’t know if should. Probably not of course but...yeah.

2:16 am

Did the rest. I think I might do a little more. The lines looked small in the first place anyways. Also, talked to him super briefly about the therapist, then he went mia when I asked him how he’s feeling...

2:23 am

I set up 4 more decently sized lines. Going to do one right now.

2:31 am

I’m reading our conversation from last night, when I was crossfaded and drunk out of my mind. Going to do another line, it’s a smaller one anyways so the whole line should do for now.

It’s 7 minutes later and I feel a little bit too sober rn even tho I’m not at all, I’m going to do half of a line.

2:42 am

I’m going to do the rest of the line I started. Whoa just felt a little dizzy for a second, probably because I was sucking in through my nose like mad just now lol.

2:47 am

I’m going to go do the thing and probably do my last line while or right before I am. I’m going to keep this open...maybe I’ll have some sort of final thought.

3:17 am

Honestly I’m just exhausted...but I sort of want to do a bit more. This is so bad. So so bad. But I want to do a bit more...Just a little. Then I’m actually done. For real...hopefully...

I’m going to wait a bit...maybe I don’t need more. Hopefully I don’t.

3:26 am

I feel like I’m slowly slipping back in to reality. I don’t like it...makes me anxious. Also downloading the new ed sheeran album right now.

3:30 am

I feel a bit uncomfortable around my chest. Guess that means I shouldn’t do anymore...even though I still sort of want too...sigh

I’m so awake. So sober. I don’t like this. I hate it. 

3:43 am

I made 3 more lines. This is the last for tonight. For sure this time. I’m going to either do the whole thing or half right now, depends how I feel. Also, the ed sheeran album is a pleasant surprise.

I did half. That burned my nose a little, fuck.

Sorry Ed, but it’s time for Adele for sure right now.

If I OD tonight...I guess that’s it. I don’t really know where I was going with this. I’m going to do the other half of the line right now even though I normally wouldn’t with how I’m feeling, I want to see if I can get even higher.

Also, switched halfway through someone like you to when i was your man. I want to switch again, probably i’m not the only one.

God that first drum/kick just gets me everytime, this song is honestly a masterpiece.

Switched to stay by rihanna.

3:52 am

Everything suddenly feels like it’s slowing down now, relaxing, releasing tension. I sort of want to do another line, but at the same time want to wait so I can enjoy this for at least a little longer...

Switched to young and beautiful by lana del rey.

I feel like doing one entire line right now might be too much but I sort of don’t care... Probably will just do half and do the other half again soon.

Holy shit lana del rey is so pretty in the music video for the song. Never realized.

This song is the only one I’ve fully sat through so far without switching. Interesting.

I put on haley reinhart’s cover of can’t help falling in love.

Just did the other half of the line. 

4:01 am

Why do I feel so sober today.... I dont understand. It’s definitely not because I didn’t do enough.. Realistically it’s purity, but my gut tells me it’s my mind, my psych keeping me feeling awake and very aware, overly aware of the shitty anxiety and emotions that life has just been giving me lately.

Also, listening to haley’s cover of creep.

I was going to listen to the pmj version of habits, still might really briefly, but now I want to listen to the emmylou cover.

How does it work when you pick the person who barely seems to put in effort over someone whose always been there lol. I’m not even trying to be salty, I just don’t understand, but that’s love right? I’m not even going to bother ranting about this, I have enough, this tumblr is proof of that.

I will say this, the thing that liquor has over other things is that it makes you open up really easily, helps you encounter your emotions. Coke is the opposite I fee like, it numbs you out and even though you might be aware of them, they dont actually affect you as they normally would.

4:10 am

I saw the picture I took while wasted at the park by her place last night. The quote...I’m glad I did. Also I feel too sober again. Time to finish off doing it all... I’m going to wait a little more though...just a little more.

I started going through the screenshots I took whenever she recommended me songs, none of them I’m feeling too much but it’s nice. 

Holy shit, I found this song called say you won’t let go by someone named james arthur, I’m definitely late on this but I’m glad I found it now at least. It’s so good.

Listening to a song called perfect from ed’s new album. Oh wait I’ve heard this before. But it definitely didn’t sound this good. Probably because I’ve never properly heard it haha, just heard bits and pieces.

I’m going to do the rest in a minute, or actually maybe at 4:20 haha.

4:22 am

I just did the last one, and of course I feel like I want more. No more though, that’s more then enough for tonight. 

She wasn’t lying, save myself is really good.

I don’t know what’s the right thing for them anymore. I don’t know if I should be caring. I don’t know if I want to care. I don’t know why I do. But I know that as of right now and up until now, I always have. I don’t think there’s anything I can do for him, not unless he completely opens up to me which I know he won’t. So I’m hoping that at least he will to the therapist, that’s their job anyways, so I’m hoping that’ll help him with his problem. 

She on the other hand is more complicated...so many different things are contributing to her seemingly never ending problems. Maybe I’m being cocky and assuming wrongly, but I don’t think I am. Between her court case, her dad, school, the stress from his school work, her cautiousness with her relationship, she just has so much. Before, I felt like I could at the very least help with any problems she had about her relationship...but lately it feels like I can’t. She said she’s going to see someone too, so hopefully that helps with at least a lot of her problems. 

Then there’s me, the substance abusing, lying, untrustworthy, failure and disappointment that I am. Maybe I’m being too harsh on myself, but lately it’s been feeling like that is really the case. I still don’t know what my problem is, what the root of it is. I really think if I did have a problem, at most it be substance abuse. (Also holy fuck I feel so sober fuck me) Since that’s what I seem to turn too every time I can’t figure something out or don’t want to think about something. I’m very much aware of the “elephant in the room,” which is that this all probably was caused from me being in the middle, being between them and having to watch out and care and be there. But I refuse to think that that is the reason I’m like this. If anything, it’s because I’m weak. I had a moment of weakness that led to this. Am I addicted? Maybe, I don’t know, only time will tell for sure, not to be cliche. I don’t know what I’m going to tell the therapist tomorrow. An hour to tell someone all my problems...everything that’s been on my mind. Not bad, but I don’t think I’ll be able to properly open up, because of the 1 hour time constraint, and also because I just really can’t to randome people, it’s too weird, unnatural. Maybe I’ll show her my tumblr posts. Probably so random for her, but I actually might. It’s the closest to the truth that there is in terms of what I really think.

I wonder if I’ll start to feel suicidal again now that I’m doing white again. I did quite a lot tonight too, at least compared to what I normally do. I think I’ll be fine, but I do have a slight headache and minimal chest pain. It’s a decent trade off for the peace and other things that being high off it lets me.

Wow, this album is definitely a lot better then I expected. I’ve never actually properly listened to his songs, but wow this album has some great songs. Happier and Save Myself are for sure my favorites right now.

I still don’t know if I’m still hung up on her. Part of me thinks I’m not, the other is not too sure. Whatever, I don’t really care right now, have to make sure they’re happy first. Then I can worry about things like that then. 

I want to be sad as ridiculous as that sounds, but I can’t because of the coke, one of the things that is both a negative and a positive depending on why you’re doing it. 

4:41 am

Just giving a time update. Been listening to Dive from the album, it’s also good. This album is not disappointing at all. 

Listening to Supermarket Flowers now. What a name for a song, it says so much on it’s own, just from the title. 

I think I’ll listen to his more upbeat songs later. I’m in the mood for slower songs right now, and his are definitely hitting the mark. Also the process of sobering up from coke is not that pleasant lol. I can’t tell if I’m still high or not. I just had the thought of doing more and for a second was tempted. fuck lol. Or as you would say in mando, wo cao haha. Fuck me is right....

4:49 am

I should probably sleep soon, it’s getting late. But I found myself reading what she said to me yesterday again. I have Save Myself on repeat going right now. I don’t know what I’m trying to feel or think right now...but I just know I do, ironically enough.

4:53 am

I just finished reading it, again. I got this feeling while reading it that I feel like maybe, I don’t know for sure, it’s just a guess, but maybe I lost myself. I don’t know when, I feel like it must be pretty recent, but if it happened, it definitely happened during or after that first period of time I was doing blow regularly. I’m trying to figure out why, how I lost myself. Going to go through my tumblr post to see if I can’t realize anything from it. 

4:58 am

I’m going through them right now, and I realized I forgot about something that’s been with me all my life, my want to have someone to love, something that’s not one-sided like it always seems to be. I feel like I’m slowly remembering who I am? Or maybe not and I’m just being delusional, I am high after all. I think. Also, my posts before about why I don’t feel that way for her anymore sort of helped me stop doubting it. Not completely, but nearly all of it.

5:02 am

I’ve narrowed it down to 2 possibilities. One is that it happened early December, around when I posted the one titled “Tired,” I talk about feeling done, fed up with it all. And unless I’m mistaken, I’m pretty sure that was the first time I ever felt that way about anything related to their relationship. The more I write and think about it, I’m convinced that this was when I started to slowly but surely lose myself. The other possibility I was thinking was that it happened around mid December, when I wrote the post titled “Empty.” I think that was probably one of the first or if anything the first of many days at the time that I felt really empty, really alone, like I was nothing but a shell of a human being. Yeah... based off what I wrote at the time, I lost the energy, the will to keep living at the time of writing, or around it I guess.

Both seem like pretty solid possibilities, but either ways I was right. It was while I was starting to use coke more often. I don’t know if the coke was a contributing factor to it happening, probably was knowing it’s side effects on your mood and emotions, but it definitely stemmed from where I always thought it did. Doesn’t matter now how or why it started though. I need to start finding myself I think, that’s the only thing I can think of that might work in terms of helping me get out of whatever this is, this “drowning” as she called it. But how? How do I find myself? What does it even mean to find yourself... I guess I know what I’m asking the therapist tomorrow...she’s a professional after all...hopefully she knows. 

I don’t really have the suicidal thoughts or anything like that anymore, haven’t for the past while since I stopped using. But I’m going to guess that it’ll come back since I’m doing coke again. 

So I’m writing this to future me, to the possible me that might be suicidal, thinking of ending it all. The one who will lose the will to live again, the energy to try for anything, who feels like he has no passions, no reason, no purpose in this life. You’re right. You’re probably right about a lot of the shit happening to you. You’ve always been real with yourself at the very least even if you aren’t to nearly everyone else. So I’m sure you know what you’re over exaggerating and what you’re not. But remember that you do have a purpose, at the very least for now. It’s to be a good brother and son for your family. To learn mandarin and maybe be successful enough where...maybe one day you can pay back your dad for everything he’s ever done and gone through, to make sure you, mom and your sister are able to live happily. Remember that you are fortunate enough to have friends in your life, who are more then just that title.  People who rely on you, and need you to be there, alive and well, even if it might not always seem that way. People who genuinely care about you from the bottom of their heart. Remember that you have someone in your life that you pretty much place above nearly everything else. Because somewhere along the line you decided to make sure you do everything that you can to make them happy. Remember that you used to once have dreams and aspirations as a child, that once there was a time when you had no responsibilities and lived carefree, and wanted nothing but just another good day. Remember all the heartbreaks and one sided crushes that made you want that special someone in your life as much as you do. Remember that, at the very least according to her, there is always a light. It might be hard to see, and at time feel impossible to find, but if that happens, you let yourself be guided by the people who love you and care for you, you let them take you to the light, to a better place, to a place in life where not everything seems as lost. Everything happens for a reason, might not always seem that way, might seem like things just happen for no reason other then to take you down, but for sure if you can get through it, you will come out even stronger. Things get better, they always do with time. There’s a reason why you always say it to her. It’s because while it seems far-fetched, it’s the truth. Things will always eventually get better. It might take a long time, might seem impossible, but it always eventually will. Life has it’s up and downs, there’s no such thing as a life with no moments of sadness, anger, and all that. But the reason why life is worth living is because the happy moments that also exist, that make you forget about everything bad, and just let you be happy and enjoy the moment. Stay strong. You’ll get through this.