#i havent drawn for myself in months im tired

[lasagoofs]

doodles

[timmie-p]

why is it that i always get the urge to draw just when i have the chance but i need to finish A Task first and it ends up either taking the whole day or completely drains me and i can’t draw anymore

[smokedcapybara]

Me, who literally just sweeps for a living: ah nice the weekend I can rest and hopefully engage in some hobbies

Mom, who spends all day almost every day at home just sitting on her phone: could you sweep the apartment?

[plounce]

looking back at catcrumb and i havent drawn anything with passion or spark in a month. i know the point of the project is to just. draw a cat every day. that is all i ask of myself. and im glad im keeping it up. but i wish i would/could feel at all creative recently. ive just felt so... deadened, energy-wise. my mood is doing alright but it's depression symptom. cant write cant draw can barely want to form my thoughts into words, and when i DO it's such a struggle to think and order and create that i tire out quick. i dont know. im just bummed out bc i want the things i make + have on the docket to make be good and fulfilling and interesting to me.

[amoramoraroma]

this month is definetely not my month... i haven't draw in 2 days and today is going to be the 3rd, at the start of the month i also havent drawn for a week and i dont even remember the reason, i also haven't do anything else outside studying thing that i don't want to but im so so scared.... im feeling horrible miserable i can't even do simple things without my body hurting or else, I'm just on my phone for like 10hours a day.... the worst thing is that i don't do nothing too hard to be like I DONT EVEN HAVE A JOB LIKE ugh im hating myself nowadays, i can't journal as well i can't do anything everything hurts everything piss me off im so fucking terrible gosh

im also feeling lonely i want to talk with someone and im tired of being ignored im so sad ... when ill become the artist that draw good T^T

[deepfriedseagullfeet]

also ive been trying to get to the root of my CONSTANT art block. like i want to create things as a career! but oh the misery......consistency is my enemy........i get so burnt out so easily and so i only draw things a few days out of the month and thats No Good!!!! i want to work out how to build better drawing HABITS instead of just getting mad that im not drawing. i found a few articles online that are helping me re-assess my art habits and that give good tips on avoiding burnout and art block. so im hoping i can actually stick to some kind of plan or habit tracker to keep me accountable so i can draw ALL THE THINGS

besides drawing habits i also am not sure on how to proceed with making things?? like i want to focus on my etsy shop and make all this new merch. but also id love to post smaller, easier youtube videos so i can push myself to make content instead of trying to do these big projects. but ALSO i want to make music content on tiktok (cause i dont want youtube to get salty at me when i talk about my favorite music) but it might be hard to juggle both youtube and tiktok where im making different content for both, as WELL as working on my shop. and on top of all that i want to draw more often, and draw more interesting stuff like comics. i want to draw comics with my ego boys so badly. i also havent drawn porn in awhile. i should do that too. because my art is probably the most important thing to me that i create and i want people to see my stuff!! so how does one juggle like 4 different things at the same time. who is severely tired all the time and also works full time in retail.

idk, just some thoughts. i have a list of current things i need to finish that ive been working on, including month-old drawing requests and actually picking up writing my ego iceberg. i actually havent been thinking a ton about my egos this past month so motivation to talk about them has been LOW. but ive been talking about the damn thing for months now and i want to make progress one way or another!!!!

i think time blocking and habit tracking are a good place to start, i just need to find some kind of solution to keep my art creation in check. i do be needing some discipline if i ever want to be successful within the next few years lol

[meloancholy]

.

[haeroniel-doliet]

I've uh. Maybe. Made tiny doodle plans for the whole 31 and then some prompts for Luke inktober.

I'm proud but also FUCK i am not gonna be able to do justice to all these ideas. Proud of me for having ideas, exhausted because the first 5 are sketched on the computer and it'll take forever still to finish them enough to post...

(Yeah im planning to post like only a semi refined not colored sketch each but STILL i have STANDARDS for myself)

Sure is a whole month innit??

[junipeach]

.

[st4rry4pples]

alas, i have made it back from the trenches (my toilet)

man, what is there to say? kate was the first real queer female representation i had seen in media, which was cool for little gay me. aidy has always been one of my favorites, she just has this loving and fun energy thats impossible to not make you smile. kyle is the most autistic non autistic person ive ever seen and i mean that in the best way possible. not only is he hilarious in all the weird shit hes done on the show but his creations outside of snl are amazing (watch brigsby bear!) and i cant wait to see what he does next (just please dont let it be dressing up as baby yoda dear god). and lastly, pete... pete davidson has gotten me thru some really shitty times. as a kid whos anxiety and hypochondria got so bad to where i couldnt leave the house, it was always cool to see a rad lad like him being so honest with his mental health struggles. ive been thru a lot with pete, all his rich fancy girlfriends, his movies. i remember one day at school i had felt depressed and completely burned out, so durinf my lunch break i watch (part of) his special alive from new york, and suddenly my troubles melted into laughter... until i would find out later that day that school would be shut down do to a pandemic 👍 but his comedy definitely distracted my anxiety for a bit which was cool. no matter his tone deaf choices in women, petey boy is always gonna have a special place in my heart :-)

now, where the hell can i start with you guys. im gonna be open here, i started liveblogging snl in feburary of 2020 (i know im ancient) then the pandemic hit and i fell into the worst mental state of my life. for once i didnt have an answer. i felt completely and utterly useless and didnt feel like i was living in my own body. every day felt the same. of top of that in august of 2020, a friend of mine took his own life. so adding grief onto my isolation made every day feel like a nightmare i couldnt wake up from... that was until i thought of actually doing something and getting in the snl liveblog tag again, where i was very pleasantly surprised at the community that had suddenly blossomed out of nowhere. at first, our crew was small, but it grew and grew with every month and soon it became a tradition i looked forward to every week. things had started to feel real again and i finally had something in life to look forward to even if it was just for an hour and a half every saturday (mid)night.

flash to a year and a half later and i can honestly say i am in the best mental state since i was a kid. sure i have my own set of problems and the world keeps getting wilder and wilder by the minute but i finally feel real yknow? im finally with my friends again and ive gotten so much better with my relationships and myself and balancing things (ok for the most lart i have a shit ton of work to do) hell even with work i finally feel an ounce of motivation, im even motivated to do stuff i like again like draw! i havent drawn reguarly in 3 years! i can honestly say that tuning in with you guys every saturday night has definitely made a difference more than you know. and while a big change may be happening to 8h, hell they got us through a big change and now its time for us to root them through one. thank you all from the bottom of my heart from hearing me ramble about my special interest, i wouldnt be who i am without snl or the comedy of the cast members throughout generations. its shaped me as a person and im proud to contribute to this niche little community :-)

i love you all, take care of yourselves, [insert an snl reference here im too tired to come up with], and i'll see you all in october :-)

[monzterzack]

I havent really drawn like i used to do in a month or so, i havent even day dreamed anymore since the pandemic started

Im on medication because im unnable to sleep anymore

I feel very empty and lost lately, and i feel selfish for feeling like this when i know other people have it worse

I have in a way... turned back to how i was when i was a child, i became annoying and dependant on my parents and i have allowed them to gain too much control of me once again

I feel useless and very frustrated

It feels so easy to never do art again, to never try anything again, to just let the days go by without anything remarkable or nice happening

Im so tired and i feel so alone, i feel disconnected from myself, i feel alien inside myself

I dont know, i dont like anything thats happening lately, im exhausted of being afraid of surviving another day

Im exhausted im exhausted im exhausted

But worse of all... i feel so numb, so empty, so worthless

I dont know ... im still here, i just feel im turning into dust

[illusionlockarchive]

pazam: a mess, truly a mess

so i usually dont do these kind of posts, i guess you could say its a call out of some sort? but i never liked that word, i prefer rather to just compile sources on WHY people would believe that a certain person is not truly as nice and understanding as they seem. consider this more of a psa post, detailing on whats going on with pazam on the sfm community, why so many people are against them.

So, a while back, tumblr user jymble made a post on the main tag stating that pazam was transphobic. they linked back to this post, which contains screenshots of pazam in a group chat stating that they do not feel comfortable with the idea of trans people. now, this did happen 9 months ago, true. however, for the record, pazam is already an adult, 24 years old, so they should have some tact. and as further and more recent events will show, they actually havent changed that much at all, at least not as they claim.

the screenshots should be in the post, but here is a transcript

[Screenshot one]

Pazam:

What????? Why?????

I literally HAVE NOT been doing ANYTHING malicious to them

And if it did I apologized

Yes I do have discomfort about them but I keep it to myself

Why are you doing this????

[End screenshot one]

‘Them’ here refers to trans people in general. Notice the defensive and victimizing stance they almost immediately take upon being confronted about their feelings on trans people.

[Screenshot two]

elliott:

of COURSE you dont

sammaku:

Like specifically

Elliott hush

Pazam:

This whole concept of transness and changing your gender physically

I hate to say it again but it weirds me out and it makes me question my own gender which flings me into anxiety, depression, and obsession

sammaku:

Its fine to not understand but are you willing to learn about it

Pazam:

I don’t want to talk about this anymore

sammaku:

That depression anxiety and obsession just comes with gender issues

(the rest of the text is cut off)

[End Screenshot two]

notice once summaku asks them if they would at least be willing to learn about it, pazam immediately deflects it by saying they dont want to talk about it anymore.

[Screenshot three]

Pazam:

Seriously??? That’s all it takes????

Wow I’m a moron

I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused to you

@.aziraphale @.elliott @.sammaku

I just don’t get this stuff period

And I’ve gotten into trouble with this stuff before

I’ll probably never understand it for the rest of my life but I’ll try to be more tactful around y’all

Especially since you’re all young

And I’m like an adult

[End screenshot three]

While at first this would seem like they had finally learned their lesson and apologized, the things they add on after the @s become quickly worrying. Not only do they admit to ‘have gotten into trouble with this stuff before’, meaning they have probably shown their transphobia in other places and been called out, but they also stand firmly on the fact that they will never understand it or ‘get’ it.

And of course, as jymble points out, the implication that the people they were talking to were only acting like that because they were young.

A while after this post was made, Pazam had posted an apology, and went onto contact jymble asking for the post with the evidence of their transphobic to be taken down. The reason? They were afraid people would see it and think they were still transphobic and not give them a chance.

In this more recent post, you can see the conversation play out between Pazam and jymbles. Long story short, Pazam feels that it’s unfair that that post is still up after they apologized, and jymble of course said they would rather not take it down, people deserve to know what they did and take their own conclusions, even if that involves avoiding them. How does Pazam respond? By flat out deleting the apology post. I’d love to show the apology post to give you both sides of the story but I cannot anymore, because Pazam in a very bizarre move just deleted it because they got mad a trans blogger wouldn’t take down their post with proof.

Here’s the transcript of the screenshots:

[Begin Conversation]

rebloggidy (Pazam’s personal):

I’m by no means transphobia-free after learning what I’ve done but at least I know my actions and am making an effort to be a better person towards trans people.

rebloggidy:

Hi again. So I hate to be that person but would it be ok if you took down that post about the transphobia claims? I know it took me 9 months to apologize but if people only see your side of the story and not realize the post I saw they’ll take it out of context and still think I’m transphobic. Do you understand?

jymble:

... i already told you im not taking down the post.

[jymble sends a screenshot of her own message in a previous conversation, the screenshot reads as follows:

however, i dont think im taking the post down, nor am i entirely comfortable with you interacting with me either. people deserve to know how you acted with this stuff, until youre really and truly *better* with it instead of just trying, and i was a direct target of it]

jymble:

you oughright told me "im by no means transphobia-free", word for word sorry, but i told you before. im not taking the post down.

rebloggidy:

I remember that. But what I'm trying to say to you is that if people who read it out of context will immediately think I'm still transphobic without the other side of it (my comment)

And I don't want people to think that in the future

jymble:

if people make assumptions without looking at the entire situation, thats on them

i am not deleting the post and thats final. people have a right to know what youve done, and they have a right to be uncomfortable

rebloggidy:

I'm ready to take down my post because frankly, I'm sick and tired of having to justifiy something that I did 9 months ago, and that people grow and learn even not 100% during that time and I'm ready to move on.

I'm still into smile for me and feel free to make a blacklist of my name so anybody who rbs my work on your dash can have it hidden or something.

Take care.

[End conversation]

a lot to unpack here, but perhaps most notable is when jymble simply stands her ground and tells pazam she wont take down the post, pazam straight up decides, without being told to or anything, that they should take down their apology. later on, they made a post stating why they deleted the post, and saying they had ‘been forced to’.

I also would love to link it here, but as of now of writing this, like, not even an hour or so after I had seen that post, it got deleted. The only memory I have of it is a conversation I had with my boyfriend about Pazam, in which I copypasted a fragment from that post that read:

“ So for those wondering where the apology post went, I was forced to delete it. I wanted to archive it in some way so I could pull it up for reference, but there was no way I could. Also I didn’t really want to see it every time on my blog because quite honestly it’s upsetting to look at.”

There are some lies and twisting of truths here. Pazam wasn’t forced to delete it, they decided they should do it as a way to somehow get back at jymble. And the excuse that it was upsetting for them to look at is just inexcusable, what matters most, letting people know of what youve done and that youre sorry, or just never addressing the situation?

But, well, I’m just hoping you’ll take my word for it. As you see, Pazam has officially deleted ANY traces of acknowledging this situation on their blog.

This worries me. If Pazam is truly as concerned that they will be seen as transphobic as they claim, why are they deleting anything that could give them a chance of showing their own side of the story?

Now, that is the end, for now, of Pazam’s history with transphobia. However! It is not the end for some other very shady things.

Namely, Pazam has consistently whitewashed characters from Smile For Me, specially Kamal, and when called out on it, simply deletes the asks.

Want to know how I know this?

I sent them an ask myself. I had come across this picture of Boris and Kamal:

And I knew that this wasn’t right. I can understand using light colors and doing watercolor, but if they can make Boris’ hair brown and vivid enough, why not Kamal? He looks like another character completely, or like he’s deathly sick! 

So I sent them an anonymous ask, perhaps a bit exhasperated, true, and my wording could be better. It went something like: “i am begging you to draw kamal with darker skin”.

I waited, checked. But nothing came of it. They never answered it.

Pazam flat out ignored when they were told they had drawn a canonically brown man with skin way too light. Not even a lone text post saying ‘hey anon, i dont agree with you’ or ‘hey anon im sorry it wont happen again’. Nothing. No word, no opinion.

And with this situation going on with them evading responsibility, I can’t say I’m fully surprised.

And, yet another thing. People had expressed concern over the fact they had drawn their Flower Kid, who is 17, in very intimate and close positions with Dr. Habit. It included nuzzling faces, cuddling in bed together, wearing his coat...

And they did hear the claims this time. As of now, their Flower Kid is 24, according to them.

Except... They do not look 24. At. All.

this is a 12 year old. at best. short body, stubby legs, big head. those are all attributes of a very young character, usually children. like, legitimately, thats how childrens anatomy is in real life. the younger the person, the bigger their head is in proportion to their body.

We have already had an adult trying to justify drawing their flower kid who barely looked like an adult if at all in intimate situations with Habit. Let’s not let it slide by again.

And yes, I’m aware Pazam claims that those pictures were not supposed to be interpreted as romantic, ‘only platonic fluff’ and that they intend to keep it that way, but I have talked to my boyfriend who is a survivor and he said it very well could be a case of someone just trying to cover their tracks.

BUT, all that being said, maybe this one particular instance could be just us being wary. Still, it does not diminish all that they have done, specially ignoring the whitewashing claims.

What you are going to do with this information, I do not know. Maybe you don’t care and will keep reblogging their content. Maybe you’re disgusted by them. But I’m just here to give you the facts. Personally though, I’m not willing to give them much of a chance after the way they’ve behaved. They are 24 years old, three years older than me, and I think I could do a better job of handling a situation like this, frankly.

[zinaaat]

I need to pour my heart out and since this is the only place I can have a voice, without anybody knowing me in RL, it‘s this one. Even though I’m not even trzing to be heard, I felt super drawn to put this on here.

I have no clue what‘s going on right now, i feel super sad and lonely. Lonely not in a sense, that I want someone to hold me or listen to me whatsoever, I just feel alone. Like I’m trapped and there’s no other being than myself. No guidance, no god, no angels, ancestor, higher self, etc.

Today I came to the honsest conclusion that I don‘t love anybody unconditionally, I dont even knpw what love, being loved or feeling fully loved means. How am I supposed to love other people, if people who were supposed to have my back or love me, didnt?

I seriously started thinking about all the people who were in my life as a kid who I felt loved by, because I grew up very loved and spoiled and was treated like a princess. And I realized that everybody I held dear to my heart, left me. They either distanced themselves, moved to another country, or died. And the people who stayed, I never felt like they loved me, not even as a child. My heart got broken so many times as a little kid, up until now, not even talking about romantic relationships,but about familx relations etc.

I asked myself so many times if Im even worthy of love and if my love is deadly. everyone I loved died, or their love for me did. I am so hurt about my past, I cant even describe it. Atp its not even about how many times that that happened, but im looking at these pictures of myself, being a little girl and having had to feel that and not even being in control of the situations and outcomes. How all of these circumstances affect me as a person today. Things that I wasnt even responsible for. I dont even know what to do with all this hurt and this pain, theres nothing I can tell my inner child to comfort it, to make it feel ok, to forget it. I cant grasp this feeling. I really considered therapy but, how does that change anything? I still will have to manage it and accept it. Therere people idek how to talk to anymore, because i cant be mad about these things forever, right? So, now what?

Ending life wouldnt make sense, because i believe in being energy and nrgy doesnt die, its infinite, so that wouldnt be an option because this will go on and on. I am so tired of all of it and carrying all this bagage. I know that all of us go thru things and we all have our obstacles, i just dont get why. Ive been on holiday by myself for over a month now and all of these thoughts came up today, and I really have to say: at another point i wouldve thought its me and it was me alll along, but its not. I am not and i never was and none of that was ever my fault. I love myself and my company so much, i dont crave the company of other people. Thats so interesting for m to be like that, bcause im so out there and such an extrovert and likable and social, that me going out of my way to avoid people, is interesting.

I crave loving someone deeply and being loved and i think this is why im so fixated on having children and already loving them more than life itself, even though i dont have any, and that might be the answer to why i love them so much. Those are the only people i love, they havent broken my heart, because they dont exist. Thats actually super sad, being a person with so much love to give and still not being abl to love someone and never having xperieced feeling loved (not romantically)

These are usually the trades that peopl have, who tend to be drawn to toxic people and relationships and Im so happy Im not allowing myself to put myself thru that asw ell.

Im vry tired of carrying these emotions with me, because i do not knpw what to do with them and how to handle them and i really wish i could end all of this

090820

[ubelyptus]

i haven’t had dysphoria this heavy in a while. it’s compounded by a lot of things but seeing a trans sib with a full beard and feeling actualized ™️ is definitely a driver. :/ obvi not his fault but he had a few head starts (or fewer false starts like i did) and it hurt more than i thought seeing him in the real.

he asked what i was doing and who am i to be a downer in a club? i never know how to answer these questions especially when everyone is having a good time. and either way at the end of the day hilltop kids never know how to help. too busy not wanting to feel awkward about conversations about class privilege. so now i’m trying to answer this question without being a downer and without it being drawn out and without lying or crying. it’s hard.

plus it’s hot and i want to scream. im wearing jeans instead of comfy drop pants bc we were supposed to leave for some fancier place to sit but now everyone is dancing and im even more sticky. i don’t know when my autistic ass learnedt to listen to other people before my comfort but i would like to un fucking learn that. god damned trauma lessons. fuck them.

bc now i cant move to dance bc these are boy jeans to pass in the gay boy club not dancing jeans bc my fucking ex never gave me back half my clothes and im working with a quarter of a closet. she apologized but never gave me my stuff back. im tired. i havent been passable for a while im broke and cant Be the way i need to in order to feel safe conceptualizing my outer body so im stuck in my head. typical.

i know if i drink i won’t feel it until im blackout which would be a waste of besties good natured offering. i organized this night and now i feel like i should leave to lessen everyones discomfort and i hate this.

im sitting quietly and a server comes up to me and asks if i want to order food i say no thank you and she tells me to sit at the bar. i dont want the lights or the loud boisterious company and before i start explaining this to her she starts talking to me like im 4 explaining that only food guests can sit here even tho there are 4 other empty tables. now im at another spot to save myself from a meltdown at my favorite bar. i didnt tell my friends. im fighting back tears. i hate this.

i cant even dance like i used to months in bed my muscles dont work the way they used to and ive had to eat cheap food to not starve so ive gained more than i remember how to support and my chest is bigger and id really rather be a cuttlefish at the bottom of the ocean. humans are too much for me rn anyway

[sweetmilk-png]

mid december

im feeling helpless today, like nothing i do will ever work out or amount to anything. i feel sad and disappointed with myself. i want to get in bed and stay warm and read because i feel like i cant handle anything anymore. things are rough with my business currently. nothing sells and im running out of money to pay my bills. i still have to pay for restocks, refund and other merch that is being finished. i have a convention coming and im unprepared. im tired and anxious. i feel like everyone hates me more than they let on. i havent drawn in months and i dont know if i can anymore. i feel hollow and sick and exhausted.

[qqweebird]

oh man watch out... i think im about to do a feelings post..— !!!

i feel so.. crazy rn kind of? i feel kind of like im underperforming at school. i know i am, i know im not completing all my work to the best of my abilities, and its so hard to get myself to do things i need to do. i almost always sleep through my morning zoom classes on m/w/f.... cus i just cant get myself to wake up :/

i feel like im a bad friend too, to my best friends. ive always had problems with my friendships and i always feel really guilty about it all the time... i love my best friend so much but i sometimes feel like our relationship is really bad for each other

i feel like shit because i dont even do art that much anymore, i just dont have the time or energy. but i worry that even if i did have the time i would just be too lazy to get back into the practice

coronavirus and social distancing is also fucking me severely. i have hardly been staying separate from people, progressively less and less as the school year has drawn on. like i have a group of about 4-8 people i regularly hang out with and i know thats like really not great but girl just what the fuck am i supposed to do at this point? i ofc wear masks and wash my hands all the time but i feel incredibly guilty for how leisurely ive been taking this the past few months when millions of people are dead.... and im just tired of it too, im ready for when i can be in public without worrying about myself or others

im struggling soo hard with gender and sexuality stuff, not like ohh idk what i am, more of a i KNOW what i want right now and im not really in a position to get it yet. and i feel weird about how i dress sometimes, i wish i could be more masculine without feeling like i look ugly or that i could just dress like a fucking girl like im supposed to without feeling so uncomfortable in my skin or like i want to cry

and idk i feel so out of place because ive never been in a relationship and i totally have a crush on someone that will never come to fruition but im just 🙃 in a hole ive dug myself. like it makes me feel crazy sometimes how much i like this person ive... Never felt some of the things i feel about them ??

and i dont have a job, all the money i spend comes from my parents basically, and literally i dont think they struggle to support me but i feel like shit for not making money. i feel really bad that im able to just sort of flippantly spend what i want (reasonably of course im not like... breakin the fuckin bank w every meal) and others struggle, but i cant really just help others who struggle bc i Do need to use my money for things i need, and i also feel bad FOR feeling bad about it bc i have the privilege of having this money handed to me and yet i whine about it,

and i havent gone to therapy in like 5 months and im honestly just too nervous to go back

but ive typed myself into exhaustion now so im going to go to sleep . luv u guys see ya later 💖