#i havent seen anything of his canon event like this and i thought i might write something im sorry

[asmaticc]

Worthy

hobie x gn!reader

summary - Hobie and you are roommates, great friends, best friends even. You’ve always got each other’s backs. But one day, you start noticing how Hobie isn’t that energetic any more, how he starts to talk less, barely going out of his room.

**Hobie’s canon event

words - 2.0k

You met Hobie a few years back at the pub where he used to play with his band and you quickly became friends. Now, you two were the ‘partners in crime’ kind of thing, but still friends. One day, talking about finding a place for yourself, Hobie pointed out that he was also looking for one, but being London, it wasn’t that easy to find something that wasn’t extremely expensive, so you agreed to start looking for one together and be roommates.

It was a nice place, decorated with each other’s personality, you made it your home. And you two had your dates and one-night-stands sometimes there too. It’s not like it bothered any of you, there was nothing going on between you and Hobie, just two friends in their twenties living their life.

Of course you shared something special that only the two of you could understand, but that was because of so many years of knowing each other. You were in all his shows since day 1, went to every protest together, even got arrested together! That’s something people don’t have the pleasure to share with their loved ones, and that’s what made you inseparable (also the fact that you discovered he was spiderman). Without needing words, you knew how each other felt or were thinking, it was like a secret code you could only understand, and everybody was amused how you two were not together because you were clearly made for each other. 

And, obviously, you were too dumb to realize. Too focused on ‘live the moment’, no commitments, no serious relationships, just flowing while enjoying your liberty. Even though you also wanted to know what it is like to wake up in the arms of someone that bathed you in kisses, that liked you, that loved you, and that, for Hobie, wasn’t available knowing what his job was about. 

The days after you had a date or some fun with somebody were always quiet in the house. Hobie seemed to have something in mind that was eating him out, sad even. The same happened to you, but you didn’t talk about it, neither of you. 

Days passed by and you were closer with each other because of this lack of ‘love’, behaving like a couple, you just didn’t realize you already got each other.

And it all started to crumble as Hobie started to be more introverted. He didn’t talk that much anymore, he barely ate unless you were there with him, not even touching his guitar or putting on his suit. Everyday, the bags on his eyes grew bigger, you didn’t see him that much anymore, all day locked in his room. And you tried to talk to him, but silence was the only answer you received through the door, affecting you too. You needed your best friend, you needed your talks, you felt lonely, even though you were not alone, you needed back your stupid dances with Hobie in the kitchen, the nights of watching horror movies and laughing at how dumb the characters are, or the ones when he showed you a new song he was composing, the afternoons in the market doing groceries together, the mornings when you’ve been up all night and went to a cafe when the city was still quiet. You lost him gradually. It started a few months back, and you didn’t question it because Hobie always got better, everybody had their problems, right? But now you were trapped too.

It was 4 a.m, you’ve been rolling in your bed for an hour and a half by now. Everyday it gets more difficult to sleep, thoughts running through your mind a hundred miles per minute, wondering if this is it, if this is your life now and what’s gonna happen. Most of the time, Hobie was the protagonist of these thoughts, blaming you for not helping him sooner, for not realizing how bad he was getting. You missed how his arms felt around you when you fell asleep together, whether it was in your room, his, or the couch; it always made you relax, his touch, his voice, his eyes looking at you… 

You got out of bed and thought of walking through the house to get bored enough to be able to get some sleep. Standing right in front of Hobie’s room, memories invading your mind, and you noticed his door wasn’t fully closed, so you peeked in, finding the bed messed up, with his owner nowhere to be found, so you decided to go to the living room, hoping to find him there.

He was lying on the couch, hands covering his face and the only sound of his breathing. You watched him for what felt like hours, he seemed like he hadn’t slept for weeks; his face, illuminated by the moonlight and the city’s lights, looked exhausted. His eyes were teary, his lips sealed for a sob to not escape his mouth. You’d rather be stabbed to death than see him like this, what happened to him? to your Hobie…?

You moved slowly to his side, he looked at you for the first time in weeks, and you took his hand. He followed you instinctively, locking his eyes with yours, no idea where you were going. You guided him to your bed, where you two lay, still with piercing eyes trying to make him know that you were there for him, you felt his arms rounding your body and pulling you closer, hiding his face on your neck. Your hand caressed his chest, noticing how his heart slowly settled and his breathing relaxed. He was finally asleep, and you fell soon too.

You woke up first and noticed that Hobie was still sleeping. You moved a little to caress the arm that hugged you, making circles with your fingertips and watching his body tightening yours as he noticed your touch. You didn’t know why you did that last night, but it felt like the right thing. Not knowing how much time passed, Hobie started to move into your neck. A few sunlights escaping through the blinds illumined his face, which was now right in front of yours on the pillow. You looked at his face like you’ve never done before, analyzing every faction you thought you didn’t remember, running your fingers through his cheeks, his nose, his forehead and his jaw.

“Hey” is the only thing that you could say. A smile decorated your lips as you saw him looking at you.

“Hey” he said back. His hand was caressing your back, fearing that you would leave.

“I missed you” and his face dropped a little, now avoiding your eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t… talk to you about what was going on… I thought… I thought that you didn’t want to”

“I… didn’t” he let out a heavy sigh “cause it was always the same”

“What is it, Hobie? You can tell me anything, you know that” you pulled your face closer to his, hand on his cheek running your thumb through it.

“It’s just… I was tired of doing the same thing over and over again… Nothing changed, ever. The same songs to play, the same days to do a show, the system always the same, catching the same bad guys…” you listened to him carefully “Everything except you felt… ordinary, a routine in which I was trapped, like I’ve been doing nothing… nothing changed” he paused “And I didn’t know what to do… so I quit”

“But what changed between… you and me?” you asked worried

“Nothing, and it was fine at first, but… I still felt like I didn’t belong… here”

“What do you mean?”

“Like…” he sighed and sat down on the bed, you imitated his movements. “Like I am not worthy of all… this” he pointed to himself “I just don’t know who I am anymore”

“Hobie…” you took his hands in yours, caressing them “do you want me to lie to you and tell you that it’ll pass or do you want me to tell you the truth?” you sought his gaze, making eye contact with him. He rolled his eyes like it was an obvious question “The truth, right?” he nodded slightly “Truth is… that this is how life works. It may be hard for you in moments like this, but this is what life is about, questioning if you are really doing something good” he looked away but you took him by the face and looked at his eyes.

“But am I worthy? Why did it have to be me and not… anyone else?” a tear went down his left cheek “Why me?”

“I think… fate put that spider in your way for something… maybe because it’s you. Even if it was just a mere coincidence or a mistake, you have done the impossible to make a name for yourself and fight for the people, because you care. Tell me something…” you cleaned his tear with your thumb “do you think you are Hobie Brown because you are Spiderman, or are you Spiderman because you are Hobie Brown? I already know the answer... but do you?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he frowned.

“It means that you gotta find out who you really are… You are not your job, neither the clothes you wear or anything else. You are you, and you chose those things to represent you, but without them… are you still the same person? Do you still believe that the system must be changed?” you looked at him closely, watching him nod. “Then you know that you are the only one who can make this happen… the powers that spider gave you were only a nudge to do it”

“But what about…” he stroked your hands slightly.

“What, baby? Tell me”

“What about the people I love? What if something happens to them because of me?” his eyes were crystalized because of the tears he was holding “How am I supposed to live if you die because I couldn’t protect you…?” it sounded like a whisper, more like a question for himself than you.

“I don’t know… I really don’t know, but I guess you’ll get on with it” you hold his face in your hands “There’ll be people looking after you, i’m sure about that” you rested your forehead on Hobie’s “and I’ll be there always”

You stayed like that for a while, letting it sit in. There was no need of saying anything, he already knew the answers to his questions. But suddenly, he noticed something pressing his cheek… it was your lips. 

You slowly kissed his eyelids, his other cheek, his forehead and his nose, now making eye contact again, Hobie leaned to your lips and gave you a chaste kiss. You two were in shock, not knowing how to respond and feeling your faces get hot, but you leaned in softly, his hand reaching your neck to get you closer and joining your lips together again, this time until you couldn’t breathe. 

It was a careful kiss, your lips moved slowly into each other’s, not wanting to break it any time soon, it was like taking a weight off your shoulders you’ve been carrying for years, finally freed from it… it was the sign that Hobie needed to keep on.

“I love you” he said quietly while caressing your lower lip with his thumb.

“I know” you responded, pecking his finger and smiling at him.

Other works !!

[bettsfic]

betts your obiwan posting makes me want to watch it, as a prequel fan. i havent looked at star wars in ages and dont have disney+ is this worth pursuing??????

i was certain, CERTAIN, i would be immune to Obi-Wan Kenobi (dir. Deborah Chow, 2022). for 17 miserable years i've been adamant that should disney exhume hayden christensen's acting career for the sake of new darth vader content, i would not be among its audience.

i've been angry most of my life about the prequels--not just that i loved them while recognizing they didn't live up to their potential and that the success of the franchise was largely because a mediocre dude had the right idea at the right time 45 years ago. but also what i loved about the prequels went totally unseen by many fans and made me feel very alone and like i was just making things up (i've since found a lot of people who love the prequels in the same way i do).

what made me angriest though was the unfair and wildly offbase criticism of hayden's acting. i can agree the dialogue is weak. the direction is weak. but hayden christiensen chews the scenery and spits it out. he's phenomenal. so i just couldn't bear the thought of even more of that in the year of our porg 2022, after the hatred for the prequels had finally died down in the wake of rise of skywalker which i think many of us can agree sunk star wars to a new low. not to mention the disneyfication of the franchise which pushes out new shiny happy content nonstop so that star wars is no longer an eagerly anticipated event, just another show on tv, fighting for attention against all the other content out there.

i can't tell you what exactly changed my mind. it wasn't like i saw any positive reviews or a ton of gifsets or anything. in fact it might have been the total absence of hype that sparked my interest. four of six episodes had aired and my feeds were still mostly ofmd and tgcf. so i gave the first episode a shot.

as expected, i was not wholly impressed. the first episode is a lot of plot setup. a little boring. i didn't end up watching the second episode that night. but for days after i kept thinking--isn't this what i've always wanted from star wars? a well-crafted character study that takes its time? a thoughtful story about the aftermath of revenge of the sith, the more intricate economic and social consequences of the clone war and the rise of the empire? ewan mcgregor being a dilf???

i guess until now i didn't believe i'd ever see live action prequel-related star wars content made by someone with more respect for the source material than shock value or high tech explosions. and that was silly of me--i loved rogue one and solo. i wasn't super into the mandalorian but i watched it and recognized it was trying to do something new. those were all different to me though. i wasn't emotionally attached to the original trilogy and its adjacent stories the way i'm attached to the prequels.

[some spoilers after this but nothing you couldn't piece together from the fact hayden has been on the press tour]

i finally watched the second episode. darth vader was there. i thought, did they really bring hayden back just to be the dude in the suit? and they did. they did bring hayden back just to be the dude in the suit. and the bacta tank. and a heartbreaking mirage in the desert. i was expecting just random high-stakes plot content until the very end of the series when we'd finally get an ominous peek at vader. but no. he's like. a main character. obi-wan's love for him and his regret at the events of RotS is overt. his love for padme is there too. like Deborah Chow really said "padobikin is canon lol." it's emotionally devastating in a way i didn't think any new live action prequel content could be.

[spoilers for episode 5 here but i've also reblogged about a thousand gifsets of what i'm talking about so if you've seen those you've already been spoiled]

then in episode five we get a flashback. pre-AotC. and i don't know why this was the thing that really sealed the deal for me but it just meant a lot to me that they didn't fully de-age hayden back to 19. maybe they couldn't or maybe it was a Choice. they might have done a little polishing but but for the most part you look at him and know you're looking at a 41 year old man. it's a flashback, yeah, but i can't help but think "this is what he would have looked like."

and so there i was imprinting onto darth vader again the way i did when i was 15. but whereas back then i related to his eternal struggle to have agency in a society that only wanted to exploit his gifts while denying him any real personhood, now i relate to the abysmal feeling of regret, the long-term consequences of a million wrong choices. and i guess i'm just impressed that despite the disney backing, the show leans into the real tragedy of the whole thing and doesn't let up. it assumes that the thing we care about most isn't the fate of the galaxy but the fate of one man in it, and we already know how his story ends.

the finale airs tomorrow and i'm not nervous. it follows the canon so closely that you can easily deduce where the story is going, and even though many dudebros would have you believe predictability is bad, personally i find it exciting to see the cause and effect sequence of a story told over many generations totally out of chronological order.

and what's more, i've been watching interviews with ewan and hayden and getting the sense that they enjoyed filming the show, and that it wasn't filmed on green screen but on something called The Volume and that seemed to make a big difference. i think it was moses (reva) who said, "you get on set and you're in star wars."

on a personal note though, what i'm most excited about is that after nearly a year struggling with the motivation to write and a total lack of inspiration, somehow i managed to pound out 12k words in 3 days of a longform RotS fix-it fic i've been wanting to write for 17 years.

tl;dr Kenobi isn't a perfect show and it does fall prey to the overbloated nature of the undying big budget franchise disease, but it's thoughtfully made, entertaining for casual fans, and cathartic for diehard prequels fans.

ps i can't stop thinking about middle-aged wifeguy anakin skywalker and that will be my undoing.

[imkittyjustkitty]

For the st concept (the jane doe thing) it's really cool! Im invested too 😭😭 i do have a few questions:

(1) is the fic gonna be set canonwise or are u gonna do it outside of that(-canon, battle, dark stuff)? (2) And how would the characters react to the reader's existence?(i feel like they'd be bothered and surprised but "hey a headless, talking, human? Isn’t the weirdest thing we've encountered")

(3) how tall/big are they? Are they the size of a doll? (Im sorry idk what/who jane doe is 😭) (4) how old is the reader?

And for name suggestions, Hiram would fit bcs the reader borrows the head of a doll, and "hiram" is a word in filipino which quite literally means "borrow", But it would depend on if another character would be the one to give them a name.

And for their relationships with the other characters, i think it would be cute if they were all someone protective of the reader.(But at first they are obviously freaked out.) For love interests, i think it would depend on the age of the reader. Buuut i think a found family trope would fit a little better? Steve’s the mom, of course. Nancy's the dad (who teaches reader about all kinds of stuff, and scolds anyone who is scared of/insults the reader) and el would def be really curious abt the reader, and protective, too :P overall ur idea is so cool and cute i love it

ahhhhh omg yes hi im so glad ppl r loving this like i am !!!

under cut is a bit of season four spoilers bc im discussing when it might be set ! <3

(1) i was thinking its set season four because that has the dynamics between certain characters which i like, things like steve isnt awful and we have robin & eddie etc. ive been leaning towards moving away from canon and having less of the plot with the upside down/vecna/etc. (id also be fine with season 3 just bc id love for everyone to hang out at starcourt together)

but i was also thinking it would be cool to involve reader in all the events, and reader could end up helping them. im going to this with the idea that reader doesnt stick around in the end, and hopefully finds out who they are, which now im thinking about it could in some way be via being vecna'd, i dont know the specifics on how that would work for reader but its an idea that could be cool !!

so to answer the question im happy with leaning either way, id loooove to do it with everyone all happy and everything so we get cute dynamics with everyone hanging out together, but sticking with canon for the most part could be rlly interesting so yeah !! im open to both sides atm i havent decided

(2) i feel like at first their reaction would be like 'wtf am i seeing' honestly bc yeah theyve seen alot, i think it depends on when its set, bc if its set in s4 i bet at least a few ppl would be like 'thats wild am i being vecna'd rn?' lmao. but yeah i dont think most of their worlds would be like rocked or anything bc atp theyve seen so much they cant be toO like terrified

(3) im giggling at the thought of reader being doll sized omg /pos

these are some photos of jane in the show (shes the blonde one just so theres no confusion lol!) she has doll-like make-up and such, and she also moves a bit robotic like a doll. i would ofc describe reader far more vaguely for appearance so everyone can read this and see themselves in it, but this is the girl who inspired this whole idea :D !!!

in ride the cyclone, jane doe is normal human sized, and her doll is normal doll sized (its a porcelain doll but like where are we gonna find a porcelain doll in hawkins lmao so thats why i went w some sort of babie or other day). in ride the cyclone its kind of just one of those things no one explicitly brings up, someone gets a lil creeped out by jane's headless doll but thats about it, so its one of those things without like a full explanation, but i think its such a cute way to give them a head.

so reader would be like normal human size and everything, and the doll head and the fact that reader might talk to the doll is something everyone is kinda just like 'ok yeah i dont have the energy to unpack whatever's happening there'. ooorrr we could always add some sort of explanation if we wanted to which i wouldnt be opposed to :DD

also above ties into that this isnt going to be 100% serious dark angst etc, ride the cyclone itself could be quite heavy if it werent for the fact that its a funky lil comedic thing as well, and i think thats a fun vibe that ill probably try to stick to a lil with this as well

(4) for age my original idea was that reader is around robin/steve/nancy/eddie/etc's age, early 20's or like 18-19, this is bc id like the dynamic between reader and other characters if reader was around this age. and also i dont want this to be like a shot-for-shot remake of when the gang found el in the woods, so making reader like dustin's age is less appealing to me.

omg i love that name idea and i loovveee how it ties back to the doll bc ik the doll wont actually talk back but i think its such a cute thing to include so i just gotta. so far ive been suggested gn variations of jane doe, but i also love this definitely putting it on the list for name options !!

and for relationships yess i agree !! i asked what people thought for romantic bc i was interested in what ppl thought but i am leaning towards stuff like yeah found family !! i cant explain why but i would loooove nancy and reader's friendship in this just soemthing abt it i love !! and omg yes ofc dad nancy and mum steve .

also i can totally see reader and el bonding over how el can relate to reader not rlly knowing anything about the world and how things work and such !!

for context, jane doe in ride the cyclone can speak and all (which i might alter a bit for reader bc depending on how long reader's been alone/in a purgatory kinda place in the upside down then they may be a bit out of practice with speaking) but doesnt actually know what most things are, bc she learnt what they were during her life, which ofc she does not remember, so yeah !

[tanushakyrano]

(since I assume this is in character)

Kayo, for the ask game, can you tell me what the show got wrong? I know it's a dramatisation of actual events but what didn't you like them showing?

Thanks!

hey! oh geez i didn't realise my username might confuse people - I'm not a roleplay blog im afraid! ill still answer this though (for TAG specifically bc I've only seen a few of TOS), just out of character, sorry :(

I've been sitting for five minutes trying to figure out an answer! I guess I'll go with the disregard of Scott and Gordon's military history in TAG? like there is absolutely no mention of it, although it's established canon for the original series, and they never go into the boys' backstories in general but especially with the military history it would obviously have an effect on their personalities, thought processes etc. idk this is such a hard question and i havent rewatched the show in a while...

thank you for the ask!!! (and for what it's worth, i think kayo would be mad that they didn't show her caring for her brothers much. not necessarily her being a massive softie but she'd hate the implication that she's only a chief of security and wouldn't do anything for her family - including the littler things like helping alan with homework and giving virgil feedback on his latest painting.)

[sweatertheman]

I havent finished Homestuck, but I have in my mind a general picture of where it's going. More complications where a goal is set, dashed against the rocks, and everyone just sort of runs around staring into the cold uncaring universe and having discussions that don't really go anywhere, forever, until eventually the bad guys, (probably Lil' Cal or some derivative as I recall someone saying English is not very important) are beaten and our heroes retire to doing the same things they usually do, just as immortal gods now.

And frankly, I sort of wish it didn't have to be this way, as much fun as it is.

I had some thoughts about an alternate version of Homestuck more focused on the issues our beloved Beta Kids have.

I was thinking about John (alternatively June, I don't think a Toblerone is the best reason to make a character trans post-canon, but, I won't judge what people like) and how his story could have been different. Along with the other kids too.

Forget everything you know about Homestuck, and imagine that John Egbert is the heir to the Betty Crocker Corporation, or some analogue to it. That, or in some way his father is important in the company. John is 13. He's an immature and irresponsible child, and the pressure of one day taking his father's position, making money, having responsibility, is something he is very worried about. It weighs on him a lot. He stops wanting to talk to his dad, who is always talking abkut the business and baking cakes. In fact, he can't stand even looking at any kind of baked good. He shuts himself in his room, playing video games, chatting with friends online, and generally distracting himself from that weight. His Strife Specibus is a hammer, as it is the prospect of work, of responsibility, that causes him strife. And here, on his 13th birthday, too paralyzed by the prospect of a responsibility he isn't ready for, John Egbert has become Homestuck.

Now consider one Dave Strider. Dave lives with his enigmatic older brother, who spends all his time locked up in his room, managing his various multimedia endeavors. Most days, Dave doesn't even see his brother, barely anything more than a whoosh as he moves between rooms. Dave too, is 13. He's feeling insecure, but his brother isn't there for him. His brother barely provides him the basic ammenities he needs to survive, and most of the house is a wreck, filled to the brim with puppets and swords and the like. Dave doesn't have anyone else. He needs love and support from his brother. He needs to be seen. He hides behind shades like his brother does. He acts stoic, so as to seem cool and capable. He tries to mimick his brother to connect with him, and he spends every day trying to do something, anything, just to earn his brother's love and support. Dave's Strife Specibus is the Sword, as it represents glory and stoicism. Dave wants to be seen, needs to be the best, because maybe then, someone will actually respect him. And just like his friend John, he too, is Homestuck.

Skipping Jade and Rose for now because its 1 AM.

I think in this alternate Homestuck, the events Sburb might ONLY be game constructs. In order to truly win, John and his friends, have to stop hiding away. They have to confront their issues. The purpose of Sburb is to help these kids grow, to come into themselves and see the world in different ways. In the end, perhaps, They would all return to their houses to turn off the game, only to find themselves back at home as though nothing had happened.

John telling his father he isn't ready for the responsibility of being an adult.

Dave confronting his brother for being neglectful.

Jade being able to move on from her dead grandfather and let go of her anger towards him.

Rose asking her mother if she loves her, as opposed to assuming she hates her and that people are just naturally terrible.

And it is in confronting their anxieties and their anger, that they can Unhomestuck themselves.

That being said, smuppet ass, self-fulfilling clusterfucks, troll cum buckets, Doc Scratch Definitely Not Being Mad When Things Don't Happen Exactly How He Wants, alternate universes, and Fruity Rumpus Asshole Factories are also acceptable.

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[1990jeevas]

Plesse tell me about queerness in the get down!!

okay okay queerness in the get down let's fuckn goooo

disclaimer: I havent watched this show in full for like 5 months at least, probably gonna get something wrong and/or forget some more important bits. also this wasnt proof read I just word vomited

tws: period typical homophobia, abuse mention, f slur use, bury your gays trope, overdose mention, mention of a creepy possible age gap (the age gap hasnt been confirmed so that's why its possible), cops

going from least to most prominent queer characters, let's start with mylene cruz!

so, from the beginning of this show she has an established romantic relationship with ezekiel (although the status of their actual relationship changes frequently throughout the show) and though this was a relationship she was hesitant to pursue, it is clear that she does have romantic feelings for him and if not for them both having growing careers in very different music genres (zeke specifically working in a genre that she repeatedly labels as bad because she thinks they're ruining records + that it isnt real music because they're using someone elses piece and rapping over it, that's not really important here tho lol) they probably wouldve had a much healthier, smooth sailing romance. that being said theres a few things that happen in the show that, while not explicitly clear, or even really good coding at that—to the point where you wont catch if you really arent looking for it (and trust me, I always look for coding, hers was just so little that it flew over my head until I saw someone else mention it)—are still cool to think about!

so, for starters, I wanna mention the toy box performance, which was performed by mylene and regina, who are best friends. that's all cool and shit, and you dont really think much about it...until you hear about the fact that the show runners purposely colored a lot of the scenes in that performance with the bi colors. like. the writers after the show ended basically said "oh yeah there was plans to make her coding more explicit, but our shit got cancelled soooo" and then dropped the fact that she was gonna be bi (or at least implies bi) in the series, which puts a new twist on a few things.

now, besides the bi coloring in the background of the toy box performance (which was mostly on scenes with her and regina, which involved a lot of uh,, lowkey lewd dancing. with each other. in very revealing outfits. wooooo), there's her music! I dont tend to read too much into this one bc, like I said before, her coding is fucking light and the writers themselves said they didnt really get to do much with it, but I think some stuff with her music is interesting. specifically how her, yolanda and regina's song set me free blew up because dizzee, resident (lowkey enby coded) bicon, got their song played in a queer club. also that the song was majorly important to dizzee and started playing literally right as he kissed a boy for the first time and realized "oh shit I like boys that's bonkers". also that the song can be taken in a gay way since literally the entire thing is about becoming your true self, fully and unapologetically, which is what both dizzee and mylene's entire character arcs are about. dizzee (and a lot of other queer people, apparently), heard this song about being set free and it resonated with them so much that they got that shit most of its popularity.

speaking of dizzee and mylene, they parallel each other a lot in the way that their arcs are about them realizing who they are, coming into themselves and no longer just letting people treat them like shit in a sense (dizzee starting to tell people essentially that they can call him weird all they want, they can make fun of how he acts, what he likes, how he dresses, etc. but he likes how he is and quite literally saying "it's okay to be an alien" as he has consistently compared himself to one throughout the show vs mylene learning that if she wants to be a disco singer she needs to put her foot down, not let anyone, not even the love of her life, not even her abusive father, stop her from achieving her dreams, etc. and continuing to pursue her career with or without their support). one more little parallel that I think is interesting is during I think s2 towards the end of the show is when dizzee and thor are shown together having fun with each other, painting all over the building and each other and are basically just being happy and in love together and then they have these clips of them being interspersed with clips of mylene at a party where she is starting to realize that if she wants to get anywhere she needs to be her own main priority and that she needs to put her career and her dream, which is what makes her the happiest, above all else if she wants to succeed. idk I just think how the show made these two into a weird parallel, accidental or not, is neat. maybe not an explicitly queer parallel, but I think at least how her music and whatnot helped dizzee, the main queer character in this show, blossom, is important.

moving on we got shaolin fantastic also known as "oh no your internalized homophobia is showing-"

so, heres a quick list of...interesting shao facts:

Consistently referred to as fag/faggot (shaolin fanfaggot is my personal favorite); he gets really defensive about this despite nobody actually thinking he's queer, it's just people being assholes to be assholes, and he is the only character consistently referred to using a slur, especially a homophobic one, especially for a "straight" character. dizzee, a canonically queer character, is called a fag less than shaolin is even though dizzee actively goes to gay clubs, has a not so secret dude he "hangs out with" and wont let anyone properly meet, paints his nails, wears less than straight clothes even by the 70s standards and is just all around the definition of fucking queer (and I mean like in the weird way, not the gay way). in fact theres only like once I can remember him being called a fag and it had nothing to do with him actually being gay it was literally just like thrown out there the same way you would call someone a bitch.

Has only shown sexual interest in women, yet refuses to have deeper relationships with women in general (possibly because of trauma but who knows) but takes his relationships with his "brothers", specifically zeke, very seriously

Tells zeke and zeke ONLY his real name when zeke was planning to stop being his friend bc shao more or less got boo boo, a like 14 year old black kid, arrested for selling hard drugs; he was clearly scared and trying to do anything to keep zeke around, literally chasing him down the street and hounding him until he got zeke to stop and argue with him

Kept threatening to beat up zeke in the end but couldn't actually bring himself to do so, instead saying that zeke is "fucking lucky" before walking away

Let's zeke get away with things that nobody else can, in general just has a weird soft spot for ezekiel that he shows with nobody else

when shao found dizzee with thor in a vaguely compromising situation (like they were just shirtless covered in paint sleeping next to each other but shao had also seen everything they painted on the walls ((which some of it was sus)), it was clear they had painted on each others bodies and dizzee had been routinely disappearing with this guy for weeks now yet not producing nearly as much art, at least, as far as we audience members know) he didnt judge him but instead, waited for him to get cleaned up and then told him something along the lines of "theres a reason why im so secretive blah blah blah [not everyone needs to know everything about me]", which, in context, kinda implies that he might be a lil. a lil homiesexual. jus a lil.

whenever even the possibility of zeke leaving him comes up he absolutely loses it. he has literally cost ezekiel life changing opportunities because he thought zeke would just up and leave him for them. this could be abandonment issues bc he's a severely traumatized character, and that probably does contribute to it, but it also is just not a reaction he has to any of their other friends just randomly dipping in and out of his life soooooo

generally speaking, this mfer has got either bisexual with a big hard on for zeke coding or homosexual with terrible internalized homophobia and still a hard on for zeke coding. either fucking way, that nigga gay. he gay as hell. gay as fuck man. there wasn't really much to analyze here tbh bc the coding is just so fucking obvious if you look for it or you are/have been a gay person who's dealt with at least a little bit of internalized homophobia.

also, just a sidenote, idk how fucking old shao, but I'm praying hes like at max 19 bc I'm pretty sure zeke is a minor in this show and shao definetly is not so the whole him being heavily implied to have a crush on ezekiel thing is kinda. oof. not oof if zeke is like 17 but any younger than that? OOF.

edit: apparently the characters are only supposed to be a year apart in age but i had no clue about that before writing this post and since shaos age was never actually stated in the show i naturally assumed he was an adult since his actor Looks Like An Adult. this is definetly on me to a certain extent, but i also never saw anything about this when trying to find our their ages so 🤷‍♀️ maybe i just didnt look deep enough, sorry!

now moving on to the main event...marcus dizzee kipling :]

so, first things first, let's talk enby coding bc him being bisexual was already confirmed!

um, to start off, I just wanna say I dont think this enby coding was intentional or even really coding, it's just moreso me being a dizzee kin on main and knowing as a transmasc enby he has very transmasc enby vibes. for example:

cool, gender neutral nickname that everyone calls him

paints nails various different colors

the whole wardrobe is just a transmasc enby heaven...fishnet shirts, jean overalls, jackets and cuffed pants galore, the big colorful pins, etc

gender neutral hairstyle (when I had my fro it was very sexy and made it easy to transition between hyper masc and vaguely fem, which is pog)

comparing himself to/representing himself consistently with an alien character (though this is meant to represent his sexuality, it could also double as a gender thing too, not neccesarily bc of the whole nonbinary alien trope but bc an enby who likes aliens might heavily identify or compare themselves to whatever their idea of an alien is, whether that just be a genderless entity or a motherfucker with fly style and no need to be perceived as anything other Wacky As Hell)

moving on from there, let's talk about how his queerness is presented to us and how, while it may be a really good piece of representation, especially coming from netflix, it still lacks in A Lot of places.

so, let's start with good things!

i personally really like the get down's queer rep with dizzee bc it's (for the most part) nonsexualized and very very soft, about dizzee figuring himself out and realizing there is a place where he fits in, and about two teenagers in the 70s falling in love over their shared passion for street art. it also features an interracial couple where both boys challenge stereotypes both about queer men and men of color, which is epic poggers and very sexy. this piece of rep specifically is very important to me bc I am a queer black person and even tho interracial relationships are mostly normalized now, I've still had people give me shit for primarily dating white people in a town that is...primarily white lol

mm anyways, I can also appreciate how in the get down, dizzee being represented by rumi the alien is not a thing specifically related to gender (as it often is) and instead is about his sexuality and just in general weirdness and how it has led to him being alienated amongst his peers, poc or otherwise. him seeing himself as an alien is not about just his queerness, which is important, it is about him being a queer black man who talks different, acts different, dresses different and is "soft"—he isnt a walking black male stereotype and he wouldnt have been seen as masculine back in the 70s by any stretch of the imagination. this can be relatable to a wide spectrum of queer poc, from queer black men currently who still have to deal with this shit or to people like myself who are afab neurodivergent mixed race enbies that have always been signaled out as weird and alienated for it. dizzee is god rep bc while he has a small part in this show, his parts are very impactful, hard hitting and show queer poc of all ages that they arent alone and that it's okay to "weird", you just need to embrace it because somebody will love you for you, as thor did for dizzee.

that being said theres um. some minor problemas here,,,

namely:

dizzee and thors first kiss

the lack of development this pairing got

the way dizzee was confirmed bisexual off screen, he never said the words himself, just showed interest in both genders

the way dizzee and thor were never even confirmed boyfriends or just fwb so most of the fandom just calls them boyfriends bc Why Not

dizzee was implied fucking DEAD??? AT THE END OF THE SERIES?????? AND THOR WAS IMPLIED ARRESTED?????????????

now, these might have been things that wouldve been fine had the show been given it's full run but it wasnt which is why we are now left with probelms.

so, from the top, let's go over these: dizzee and thor's first (and only "on screen") kiss was one that was shown in a montage of other queer people making over and doing other vaguely romantic/sexual things, one of those things being a whole ass naked titty being mouthed at, but the actual kiss...was just not shown? like they really did just say "yes they kissed <3 you know this from the context clues of it being in a montage with kissing, hickey giving and titty sucking <3 but no we will not show it <3" LIKE HELLO? I SAW A NAKED BOOBIE BUT NOT TWO MEN KISS??? HUH????????

also, dizzee and thor were both fucking high as hell during this bit like this isnt a terrible thing but it's also like sometimes you do shit when you're high that you wouldnt do sober and they just never kissed again on screen so like?? like idk that's not that bad but it does kinda irk me since they deadass got no other on screen intimacy after that unless you including painting on eacher other or sleeping next to each other on a shitty mattress but not touching at all during it bc they were both at opposite ends of the mattress like half way off it

so yeah, that was trash. then we got lack of development, which kinda goes with the "dizzee being a bisexual but he never says it in canon" thing cause like...okay dizzee was already sort of a side character from the get go like he wasnt the mc by any means, but he became way more of a background character as things continued until we basically only saw him for performances or when he was with thor, yet they got no fucking development as a pairing other than "dizzee realize he gay, he like thor, he and thor spend time together and ig probably do some gay stuff but we dont really know bc we only ever see them do graffiti together now" like?? tf am I supposed to do with that shit. answer. quickly. and then theres dizzee not being confirmed bisexual, which is just a running problem with shows literally doing everything to say a character is bi except for having the character just...say they're bi? which would be so easy? like a good way dizzee and thor couldve had some development is by thor teaching dizzee things about the queer community that he didnt even know existed, thor couldve helped him understand what being bi meant and helped him label himself and whatnot but instead we got an off screen confirmation that the writers had bisexual in mind when writing him. which is garbagé.

the whole thor and dizzee never having a confirmed relationship status is also a development problem cause like literally nobody knows if they were just friends who made out, maybe fucked, who knows, or if they were dating bc dizzee does give a love confession but a love confession doesn't mean there is a relationship, especially since thor didn't say he was in love either (as far as I remember, I could be wrong, plus whether or not that really happened or was apart of dizzee literally overdosing during a performance is unclear so 🤪)

and now for the biggest issue...bury your gays trope.

during the season 2 finale, dizzee and thor are chased by cops after they are found doing graffiti, one of the cops is able to catch thor while the other chases dizzee into a train tunnel and there is a train seen headed straight for him before the show cuts to black on a train horn. the show writers claim that if they had gotten another season, dizzee wouldve been alive but since they didnt and since that's essentially super fan trivia knowledge, most people dont fucking know that and instead had to watch a black queer teenager chose death over being fucking arrested by a white cop. on top of that, thor didnt see any of that shit because he was caught and the cop started hauling him off while dizzee was still being chased so thor literally has no clue where his friend/possible boyfriend fucking is or that he's likely dead in a goddamn tunnel all alone, unless you count the fucking pig that chased him in there who wouldve died too. this shows rep was so fucking good as far as most shows go on not having major fucking problems, on not being toxic and over sexualized, etc, etc. and then they just. killed a black queer teenager for no fucking reason. like it was literally the last episode ever, it would add nothing to the plot, it would just devastate fans and devastate it fucking did. I dont cry easy but seeing a character I identified with, who I had hyperfixated on, die because he'd rather that than be arrested is terrible. it fucking sucked.

so yeah. that's my all too extensive thoughts/analysis on the get down's queerness. theres definitely stuff I missed, or misinterpreted, or looked too much into, etc, etc., but this was a fun thing to spend time writing sooo yeah!! thanks for the ask anon, sorry this was just a big rambley info dump, but hopefully you get some enjoyment out of it since it took like 3 hours at least 😭😭 feel free to ask clarifying questions lol

[lyeekha]

In the mirror he could see Ernest stood behind him, tie tucked safely into his vest, sleeves rolled up and a towel slung over one shoulder. He had ushered Lemony to a seat with a headrest, politely remaining in eyeline and not making any surreptitious-looking movements. He had removed his suit jacket and pointed out that, really, you needed to be topless for this, and Lemony had said oh yes, of course, as if this had slipped his mind instead of caused him to hesitate, and taken off his shirt, and nobody had made a fuss about it, and he had actually relaxed, and now Ernest was rubbing something into his neck that smelt... incredible. It smelt of summer.

The manager was obviously skilled, that hadn't been a lie. His palms worked the oil across his flesh with just the right firmness and friction to make his skin tingle. His fingertips pressed confidently into the exact hollows that made him hum with appreciation. He wanted more than anything to drift off and allow himself to be looked after, but Lemony was still playing the game. He had to be. As casually as possible, he watched Ernest's reflection. The man seemed totally absorbed in his work. In fact, Ernest looked more peaceful than he had ever seen him before. The enigmatic smile didn't seem as forced, though still impenetrable. A slight, strange frown of concentration was on his brow. Something ancient stirred in the back of Lemony's mind. He could believe that this was a genuine pleasure for Ernest, no matter what other motives were in play. The attraction of a simple, intimate, uncomplicated, repetitive task. Lemony cleared his throat and summoned a more jovial tone.

Thank you!!! (Pick a passage or comic chapter of mine for commentary)

this ones from Double Edged so, spoilers for that. sorry if its too much and maybe incomprehensible i just wrote everything i thought in a stream

The idea of rival spies in a truce having an unspoken etiquette about making sure the other person can see what they’re doing clearly at all times really amused me and also seemed like a natural progression for people who just, Live Like This all the time. Kind of like the body language animals develop to deliberately signal trust and lack of threat? Like when cats do the long blink or prey animals make a big show of laying down near you. Of course then you have it as a reassuring gesture, and that gesture being false, and I’ve set myself up for the whole rest of the thing to be about successfully and realistically (enough) distracting Lemony without him noticing.

Humans are the animals that do this too, of course. it is the same thing as normal body language just made more pointed. I have Ernest as having complete control over his body language and complete observation of everyone elses, in a Derren Brown type reading/manipulation style.

I like slipping dialogue into the narration here because it cuts out a lot of stuff that’s boring to read and skips a bit of time by having Lemony reflect on things that have just happened. the whole thing is in past tense but this is like, a few minutes further past tense than everything else. Means I can just put the pertinent things. Also it was very important for this bit to happen very fast so that you get his POV sense of being swept along with ‘naturally unfolding’ events. It buries the fact that Ernest now has possession of Lemony’s jacket by making the second half of that sentence much more engaging and interesting looking and easy to move on to - which is exactly what Ernest is doing by saying something distracting as he performs the natural gesture. It’s all about giving the reader the same experience as Lemony, that’s the goal for this one.

Lem is a bit nervous about taking clothes off - which is reasonable, actually - but also he’s a bit precious about it in general because of a lifetime habit of showing skin equalling danger (tattoo) and being vulnerable (without disguise or situation-appropriate clothing). I’m thinking of socks and the symbolic importance of clothes in atwq, the reliance on the disguise kit forever, the scene-appropriate netflix outfits to blend in all the time. That’s whats canon anyway - this all also contributes to my headcanon of trans Lemony, and I made sure to imply top surgery scars in the illustration. Again, vital to remember that its Lem’s POV (even though it’s not in first person), so ‘nobody made a fuss about it’ both tells you his relief that no comment about his body (whether salacious or surprise or mockery) was made and cements that he was nervous in the first place. 

Of course Ernest wouldnt say anything, or even visibly react at all. He is a practiced expert of the service industry.

This is also in contrast with Jacques, who has complete confidence in showing skin. Lem feigning absent-mindedness to disguise hesitation feeds into the overall ongoing thing of Lemony trying to be smooth, and I reckon hes’s coping by pulling directly from how he’s seen Jacques act. This whole seductive wiles angle isn’t really Lemony’s scene and his awkward phrasing and justifications in his own thoughts about it reflects this. Pretending to be going along with stuff he can do, but the playful flirty aspect is different and throws him a bit. So its pretty much all from what he knows of J’s playbook. Of course Ernest isn’t fooled by the faux casualness, and Lemony knows he isnt, but its the polite etiquette to go along with face value that makes everyone more comfortable. Lot of that in this fic. 

‘and he had actually relaxed’ the word ‘actually’ implying his surprise as he’d been intending to only pretend to relax - same with ‘that hadn’t been a lie’, as in, well *that* at least was true. Lem is double checking literally everything Ernest says. The fact that he is actually a practiced masseuse sells the idea to Lemony that this is not just a ruse to get his top off or whatever. And at the same time reassures the reader that Lem is not actually being a complete idiot - he is constantly suspicious of everything as always, and remains so throughout

It smelt of summer.... I wanted a feeling more than a specific scent. Its how it makes him feel. He can’t pinpoint it exactly because its too evocative. To me, smelling of summer evokes warm spice and mango. Also, the sudden switch from a factual barrage to slow and conceptual is a strong feeling. 

The fast pacing and then the sudden slow at the end of the paragraph like a sigh. Like the feeling of being swept along and then being a bit bewildered, bit ‘i can’t beleive this is actually happening’, bit ‘how did i get here’, bit proper relaxing. 

Then slow and meandering pacing, to match Ernest’s hands. Palm oil. Flesh Firmness Friction.

Ernest said pointedly earlier that the mirror was for Lemony to watch him, to feel safe. So he is well aware - and is in fact encouraging - that Lemony study his reflection at this point. However, I hope I managed to get a good genuine vibe in here. Ernest enjoys this, and is finding it relaxing. Probably the actual genuine feeling from him is a huge advantage to calming Lemony down, Lem can probably pick up on fakeness very well subconsciously, so the verisimilitude is Ernest’s best weapon. Also, he wants for selfish reasons. He doesn’t get physical contact because of his position, and when he does its not someone that understands why. And Lemony understands him. And he understands Lemony. Better than most on their respective sides do. Lem even acknowledges in his own narration - 'genuine pleasure... no matter what other motives were in play’ - that the truth and the trick are not mutually exclusive. he gets it.

Very intentional focus on enigmatic smile and brow in quick succession, which happens repeated through the story - yes we are invoking Ellington this fic, more quietly at first and then stronger later. A stirring of something ancient, you might say. 

And yes, the mind naturally wanders to other simple, intimate, uncomplicated, repetitive tasks and he has to shut that line of thought down immediately, something Lemony gets increasingly worse at doing as the fic goes on. Shoving words like ‘pleasure’ and ‘stirring’ and that technically accurate description together heavily implies Lem’s growing arousal. Just to really spell that out. Just in case. If it’s missed it would be there subliminally enough im sure.

Thanks for asking and a great choice of section, I havent read this commentary back so here it is have it immediately before i remember what i forgot and edit forever

[rayomz]

 raymond headcanons.. they aren't entirely fleshed out and they're like "what if it was like this? that makes sense". so sorry if things dont quite make sense or isn't that thought out.. also there may be errors here and there but this isn't supposed to be a polished document its just a rough collection of headcanons i haven't done much with other than like... thinking of them lol

some of this stuff i've posted before but i'm going to reshare again

polokus in origins is described as "an artist and unabashed hedonist" and i see him as just that. immature. he loves all his creations, of course, but he's not exactly responsible. he sees the nymphs more as friends than his daughters. he's more concerned with people liking him than doing the right thing. when he has his first bad dream, he cowers and doesn't want to do anything about it, or he's too scared? this leads to betilla having to do everything herself, she gets help from the other nymphs and creates rayman

the masks of polokus represent his different formes, or perhaps different eras. polokus is a shapeshifter and can be whatever he wants to of course, but he has a "default" he likes to stick with. when he finally changes his "default", a mask is made of the previous forme. for example, polokus from rayman 2 and polokus from the ubiart games are him in different "eras" if that makes sense. their cultural and historic significance could be expanded upon definitely i think but i havent thought too much more into that lmao. the wiki on rpc says that the four kings look like the masks but that sounds more speculative and feels like a stretch. i don’t buy that at all, i don’t see the resemblance

polokus loves all forms of art, and as a result, a lot of the glade's "religion" boils down to being creative and creating, and a lot of magic in general require some form of art, such as dancing for certain spells (the way teensies open portals in r2 or w/e). the people of the glade create art, sing, dance, to keep polokus inspired, amused, and happy so he doesn't have any more bad dreams. i thought about the nymphs all having a corresponding art form, with, obviously, holly being music and edith being culinary, but im not sure what annetta or helena would be. helena maybe textiles... annetta im not sure what i would do with her since she's the most... withdrawn nymph

polokus’ feelings on rayman’s existence are complicated since he is the only creature not created by him. he doesn’t know what he’s capable of, but he’s done a lot already in terms of stopping nightmares and foreign threats such as the pirates. he’s impressed, intrigued... a bit intimidated maybe..... he respects rayman and does love him (polokus has to love every creature after all)

im not sure if the muse of the poets is considered to be actual canon since it appears she was only mentioned in a license guide and not in any other official media. but she's a popular character and i like her too so she gets mentioned. she and polokus fall in love and she has their children, the teensies. she is disgusted by them and runs away, leaving them and polokus forever. she is disgusted by herself, too. if her children are ugly, she must be ugly as well. she becomes obsessed with making herself beautiful, and having beautiful children. she eventually becomes begoniax, which you know how that turns out...

betilla: polokus' pride and joy, she loves him as a father, but is disappointed with his lack of responsibility. when she was younger she was very mischevious and much like him. she learned magic just to be able to pull pranks perform elaborate pull magic tricks. eventually when the first bad dream happened, it was a wake up call. she tried to get him to do something about jano but he wouldn't respond to her. she took matters into her own hands since she was the most magically capable of anyone she knew. with the help of the other nymphs, they created rayman. she's been the "responsible" one ever since. if you catch her in a good mood she might be a bit playful but her days of frivolity are long gone. likes to knit and crochet when she has the time (which is rarely), and spend time with her sisters.

other nymphs: i dont have quite as many headcanons about them, but they are rayman's aunts obviously. edith is rayman's favourite aunt since she's a good cook, followed by holly, who has taught him everything he knows about music. helena is very enthusiastic and a bit overbearing. annetta is the aunt that never shows up to anything

the nymphs all have an element tied to them. betilla and fee de la mort obviously being life and death. holly is air, edith is fire, anetta is water, and helena is earth. seems pretty obvious this part but i've rarely seen ppl attribute helena with earth despite the fact she lives on a mountain...? (stone men, stone dogs, golly g....)

ly is interested in the magical workings of the world and is especially fascinated with lums and their power. betilla sees her potential as a magic user and has accepted her as her pupil. another reason betilla has taken a liking to ly is that she reminds her of her own youth, since ly is fairly playful as well, using magic for tricks. ly is initially just interested in rayman because of the fact he's a being entirely made out of lums, but it eventually turns into a genuine, and close, friendship.

a lot of fairies and some teensies can make "weak" silver lums to give to rayman, but they might not do much, or the effects are temporary. only ly and the nymphs are able to give rayman powers with "stronger" silver lums.

polokus does not dream of every individual in the glade. he dreamt of the first peoples of each species, then they procreate by themselves. most places in the glade are natural, similar to earth, but polokus' dreams may affect them (the icy parts of gourmand land is an obvious example. giant fruit? that's silly)

teensies: naturally hairless and there is little dimorphism between the sexes. their fashion is inspired by the fairies', and have adopted to wear wigs, false eyelashes, fake facial hair, etc. all teensies have the ability to perform magic but they have to actively for it to be useful. teensies with an interest in magic will attend a magic school. the best of the best of teensie magic users can become a minimus, and, of course, the best out of THEM become the grand minimus. there are many teensie races, and each may vary in size, colour (turquoise like in the ubiarts, more grey like in 2 and 3. usually just varying shades of blue), markings, nose length and shape. some races may be more adept at certain magic styles than others.

mr dark: i have some ideas but nothing concrete. might not even go with this story as my definitive headcanon. fairy. he was always critical of polokus, and after the first bad dream, that made him hate the god even more. he was the one who wanted to stop jano, and maybe become someone powerful enough to be seen as the glade's new "god" or whatever. betilla has proven herself to be the better magic user after the creation of rayman. polokus' main thing was that he was the creator, he was able to create life, and now betilla's able to create life. she may as well be polokus! she's a threat! when he steals the protoon/heart of the world and eventually kidnaps betilla, he uses her power to create dark rayman/raymesis. raymesis is *not* was not created by dark by himself, and he would not have been able to pull off this feat without betilla's knowledge of creating "thingamajigs". rayman and raymesis are the only two thingamajigs known in existence, both created by betilla. not saying it's impossible that others could exist, but they would have to be dreamt into existence by polokus.

dark's obsession with being the most powerful person in the world and becoming a god is why he stole the heart of the world, of course. ales mansay would take inspiration from this event. his views are similar to dark's, that's why he worships him. polokus is a terrible god, he lets people suffer. rayman is a terrible hero, all he does is sleep. ales knows he wouldn't be able to reach the heart of the world and instead tries to build his “own” using lums (maybe not exactly but something comparable... the heart of the world is made up of lums after all). i know that's like, duh, canon information, but it was never stated *WHY* he looks up to mr dark. so now you know why. its bc they both hate polokus

[blacknpurplewarpster]

[IDW Skywarp Headcanon]

More about his awful comments/attitude towards others

I know I’ve written about this before but I cant seem to find it anywhere on my blog. I was rereading the original comic series and thought I’d elaborate a little bit more than what I had previously wrote. I was going to include a snippet from Unicron #2 

Skywarp: “Among others. Could you try bumbling into trouble a little closer to the mainland next time? This was decidedly inconvenient.”  Helix: “I think he means ‘Glad you guys are okay. Sorry it took so long to reach you.’ Isn’t that right, Skywarp?” Skywarp: “I suppose. I would have been more annoyed if we had come all this way and they were already dead.” Helix: “Do you actually know when you’re being awful?” Skywarp: “Almost always. Fortunately, showing up and being remarkable are more important to being a G.I. Joe than unnecessary human pleasantries.” 

Skywarp mentions that he knows when he is being awful with his comments and just overall to others when Helix calls him out on it after just saving part of his team. This team he has been with for a few years and is close to them, even Rock. Going through the comments, he makes snarky ass comments towards Rock and doesn’t give a shit about what his friend thinks either. I’ll come back to Rock in a bit here. Some of his comments towards Rock are rather hilarious in the way Skywarp is portrayed doing them. Not to say Rock deserves his shitty attitude. But later on, they become better and closer friends. 

Even though he is no longer a Decepticon, he still puts duty above everything else, even if it means stepping on others toes or hurting others feelings. Thing is, Skywarp doesn’t care. He feels being blunt is better than beating around the bush or sugarcoating things. He will tell others straight up what he feels and doesn’t give a shit about what it might do. 

Another example is he even says this to Thundercracker, whom he hasn’t seen in a decade or more. 

Thundercracker: “Last time I saw you, you shot me in the face.” Skywarp: “Eh, you deserved it.” 

Like jeezus straight to his face. I think it was like the second sentence he said to Thundercracker after not seeing him for YEARS. Like harsh much? 

So pretty much no one can hide from this. The one thing I have noticed, his snarky comments seem to back off once there’s a tighter bond between himself and whomever else. This happens once Skywarp has a change of heart once he realized how Rock and himself are a lot more similar than he thought. Rock repeatedly tells Skywarp about being alone but he finally realizes this at one important moment. Rock decides to own up to his mistakes of paralyzing Grand Slam and wants to sacrifice his life to blow up the Fatal Fluffies in hopes to get rid of his guilt but its also a sense of pride from him. Skywarp decides to stay back with Rock and decides to stay even when the detonator goes off--surprise surprise, he saves Rock and their bond grows close. 

Here’s some of their conversations between one another just to show you: You can skip all the way down to see my final thoughts. 

---------------------------------------------------------------- GI Joe #1: Rock: Hey, uhh, Skywarp… I was wondering… seeing as we’re teammates… you think I could ride back with you? Skywarp: Are you asking me…to open up my cockpit… and allow you to climb inside of me? Rock: Umm.. yes? Skywarp: Jets off Rock: Looks like I’m with you again.

GI Joe #4

Skywarp: “Look at them. Squabbling in the dirt like… like insects! They can’t do anything. They can accomplish nothing… without me!” Rock: “Hey Skywarp… Instead of waiting for transpo, I was thinking that if you don’t mind, maybe we could.. you know.” Skywarp: Squints hard and jets off Rock: “Jerk.”

Gi Joe #5 Skywarp: “Tell me… you geeks got your data…?” Skywarp: “This isn’t working! I’m tired of you insects leaning on me! Why am I the only one— GAAAH!” Covergirl: “Don’t worry, Skywarp…the calvary’s arrived!” Skywarp: “Now you cowards show up, after sending me ahead.” Rock: “Hey now… I offered to ride with you.” Skywarp: “You know my feelings on that.” Skywarp: “Are you even helping at all?!” Rock: “Honestly? Not really. But if you’d let me ride with—ooofh-!” Skywarp: “Gahhh!” Covergirl: “Skywarp! Come in! Do you read us?!” Skywarp: Khhkkthhhkkt Rock: “Skywarp! Are… are you ok?” Skywarp: “kkhkt No…But I will be there once we will that thing. Were you getting emotional, you sentimental insect?” Rock: “What? I was… No…”

GI Joe #6 Skywarp: “Hrmph. I’ll be the judge of that. Crude ugly thing. If this is the best you can do, no wonder you can’t fix me.” Roadblock: “Four Joes. Skywarp counts.” 

Rock: Turns into this monster from the Fatal Fluffies Skywarp: “I know what this is really about...” Rock: “Hunh?” Skywarp: “...You’re sad I wouldn’t give you a ride. But don’t worry, you’ll get what you want...When i carry you out in pieces.”

GI Joe #7 Skywarp: Is fighting mega-Rock and knows to be gentle and junk. “You are as arrogant as the rest of them! Even enlarged! even with horns and claws! You are nothing but an insec--Urlkh--!” Is being choked out.

Skywarp: “Hey! You watch your mouth!”

Rock: “I know. That’s why I’m volunteering. I’ve done enough damage more than enough. Let me redeem myself please.” Skywarp: “Sure but you aren’t going alone. Someone needs to defend your position while you set up the bomb.” Rock: “But I.. I threw you into the mole pod. the explosion was..” Skywarp: “Yeah, so another one doesn’t scare me much, besides...as soon as the bombs in place, before you hit the button... I”m getting out of here.” 

GI Joe #8 Rock: “Almost read! You gotta jet!” Skywarp: “You’ll be overrun before you can hit it! Besides...It’s an honor to stand by your side. You are a true warrior.” Rock: “No...I’m a Joe. We both are.”  Skywarp saves Rock by letting him ride inside of his cockpit in order to get away from the blast.

Gi Joe #9 Rock: “He wouldn’t let me use the radio.” Skywarp: “You haven’t earned the privilege!” Rock: “Whatever. You ready for the blast beat?”  Skywarp: “Do we have to call it that?”  Skywarp and Rock: “Yoooooooo Joooooooe!”  Rock: “Thanks to Skywarp! Hes letting me ride with him!” Skywarp: “Once! Only once!” 

GI Joe First Strike #1

Skywarp: “You need to get him his own jet!”

Scarletts Strike Force 1 Rock: Skywarp, I”m serious! Seriously! Doc: You know he’s the only one who can put up with your grouchy metal butt.. Skywarp: I thought you liked-- Doc: Nope Skywarp: .... Fine Rock: Hey! Piggyback ride! Skywarp: Start using that shotgun or I’m doing barrel rolls!

---- This is where Skywarps attitude really changes. -------

Rock: And they were chanting this name...glub? golob..goolub? Hey! Are you even listening to me? Skywarp: Its a boring story about something that didn’t actually happen! Why would I listen to it?! Rock: Because it’s stressing me out, man. It felt...different.. Skywarp: Different from your other dreams? Rock: Yeah dude Skywarp: Different from your Jem dreams? Rock: Come on man.. Skywarp: A holograms fan. You’re not metal. Rock: They have some serious riffs, alright!?

Scarletts Strike Force #2

Skywarp: Can you fix my teleportation? Or are you techgeeks just as worthless as everyone else in the Lemuria? Rock: Dude, I’m standing right here. Hey man can I help? Grand Slam: I’ve got it Rock. You only ruined the bottom half of me. Skywarp: Getting m teleportation fixed is the only reason I threw in with you insects! why havent you fixed it yet? You’ve been trying and failing since the EDC!  Grand Slam: Like I told you: We don’t have the tech, or the knowledge. or the materials.

Scarletts Strike Force #3 Skywarp: Yeah. Me. And you’re welcome. Don’t act so shocked. you insects think a giant robot doesn’t know his way around a rudimentary geothermal generator? You’ve been recruited. We’ll rendezvous in DC. You have three minutes to find yourselves a ride before surveillance is back up. Helix: Aren’t you letting people ride inside of you now? Skywarp: Only Rock ‘n Roll! 

Unicron #2 The first set of quotes goes right here in events wise. 

----------------------------------------------------------------

This is the end of their interactions. I know I didn’t show everything but it shows a huge chunk of how you can see how Skywarp is only “nice” to Rock really because in his optics, he isn’t respected by some of the others, especially Grand Slam. So in his mindset, why does he have to be nice if he doesn’t have the respect? 

He figures he lost his respect towards Thundercracker (or rather TC lost respect for Skywarp) because of what he’d done to him so he resets back to being an ass. He thinks their history doesn’t matter anymore, so he resorts to just tell him straight-up. Perhaps he was always straight up before their meeting with Starscream and he’s resorting back to his normal or preset attitude/maturity. That all of what has gone on from him shooting TC out of the sky onwards, smacked him so hard it woke him up from this “fantasy.” If that makes sense?? I’m tired and rambling. 

Deep down, I truly believe he cares but he isn’t going to show that side. He needs to put duty before anything else because that’s the motto Skywarp lives by. You can see a lot of this change in him throughout the entire series but it really sets out from AHM series onwards. His whole attitude flips and starts to really develop his character and we see this. I have a feeling he didn’t used to be like this but what he’s done in his life has shaped him to act in this way. Perhaps its a way of not letting others get close to him. It might very well be a defense mechanism. Who knows, we truly won’t know canon wise since the series ended. 

THANKS FOR BEING HERE FOR MY HEADCANON AND RAMBLE OF THOUGHTS. 

[radioactive-synth]

I’m curious, did Vaughn fall for Nick or Hancock first? or was he immediately taken with both of them? They have such a cute dynamic I love it

havent expected this kind of ask, im tryin to answer in best way, thank you @dovahqun !

per short, Vaughn didnt actually realised he fallen for them, but it was so obvious for others in Sanctuary, especially that they also started to live together in his house?

per long: (under read more, its an essay, forgive me)

first impressions werent the best with Nick, given that Vaughn was still angry and thirsty for revenge, but Nick still believed he is actually a good person, he just needs some guidance. after Nick saved his life in Glowing Sea, Vaughn realised that he must do a change, which what Nick all needed to hear, so he finally took his General role.

Nick stayed with Vaughn for like 3 weeks, watching him how he tries to earn the people’s trust and changed in a better person, but then he went back to his detective work, and not seeing Vaughn for weeks (which in that time Vaughn and Debbie joined the BOS and Danse joined them in Sanctuary)

but a few weeks later, Vaughn got hurt badly during a solo mission (was knocked out and tied and had his mouth cut by a raider) and felt so shocked by that, plus all the thoughts and feelings he had just crashed into his head, and had a bad relapse, being so depressed he basically needed help to do simple things. Debbie used Preston’s radio to contact Nick and get to Sanctuary, thinking that he was the one to deal with Vaughn in a bad time, maybe he could do it again.

Nick had a lot of patience with Vaughn, feeling so sorry how he felt, and even during a night when Vaughn had a nightmare, Nick relunctantly accepted his asking for sleeping with him. since then, they sleep together, as Vaughn really can get a better sleep for the first time since he is out of Vault, and Nick think it feels nice. do i need to mention that Vaughn got high once cause of painkillers and kissed Nick and none talked about it but thought about it a lot.

since then, Nick started to get more often in Sanctuary, their relationship got stronger in that time. they both have a lot of common and just enjoy each other’s company.

with Hancock, neither the first impression was so fine, and they didnt seen each other for a long time, only Hancock knew about the vault dweller from others. second time when they met, it was when Vaughn and the Minutemen took the Castle, and he offered to go in Goodneighbor to buy parts for the radio, so he took Dogmeat and went there, then heard that Bobbi No Nose can offer what he needs, so he agreed to help her out. Now, i changed the canon here too, as i know Vaughn wont accept to break into DC’s strongroom, as he knew that 1. Nick and Piper would hate to hear that and 2. how its like to hear that the General of Minutemen broke into the strongroom of DC? so i think Bobbi says she knew about a pre war bunker that has untouched supplies, so the event goes, then Vaughn basically gets scared seeing Fahrenheit, and even more hearing that its Hancock’s warehouse. he immediatly turned against Bobbi and told her to go. after that, Fahrenheit dragged Vaughn to Goodneighbor to go talk and explain to Hancock about this. Hancock wasnt even mad about this, he appreciated the sincerity, and made fun on how him and the dog stains his carpets with the mud and blood into his clothes and the dog’s fur. after talking, Hancock explains that he should not feel comfortable in his position and should go out, and Vaughn offered him the chance to help him in his Minutemen job.

they also bonded fast, having same bad humor, same sense of justice and Vaughn really loves Hancock’s spirit of adventure. he also gave Hancock a newly renovated home in Sanctuary, which later he shared with MacCready.

a while later, weeks?? one night, Hancock gets out the house cause he cant sleep, and sees Vaughn on the steps of his own house, and goes to talk with him. after a while, Vaughn stated that he cant sleep well cause Nick isnt with him, and Hancock said more in joke that he could be his cuddle buddy, but didnt expected to get a positive answer so....they just slept together. both had a better rest. when Nick was in Sanctuary, Vaughn just thought that they could just try to sleep together, which the other two thought its a bit crowded but didnt refused. a while later, Vaughn started to have sexual relationship with Hancock, and with Nick he occasionally make out.

over the months, between Minutemen work, and dealing with other duties for BOS and RR, and even Institute, Vaughn became overstressed about everything, and Nick and Hancock helped him out, by supporting him, taking decisions in his name for Minutemen or just being there for him. after the battle of Bunker Hill, when he helped the Institute (and didnt said anything to anyone, not even them two), he was banished from RR as an agent recognized him and Desdemona thought of him as a traitor, despite that Deacon and Debbie tried to explain his reasons. being so stressed, he even snapped at a scientist and nearly strangled them, earning him banishment from Institute and Shaun’s threat that he will kill him if he ever gets in the Institute’s way, and other hurtful things he said.

Vaughn fell in depression as he thought he failed everyone, even that Nick and Hancock tried to explain isnt his fault, he tried his best, but still not much result.

2 weeks later, the Sanctuary was attacked by the Institute, and even if a few ended up with just a few scratches, Vaughn was furious about, and he declared he must destroy the Institute, as other settlements are now in danger.

for getting in the Institute, there must be accessed in the sewers, which Nick and Hancock offered, as they said they dont need much air and wont be affected by the rads in the water. Vaughn was hesitating, but he had no other choice but to let them there. while he and some other companions and a few elite Minutemen waited, he couldnt stop thinkin of worst cases, but when they got in Institute, he was so relieved to see them ok and held them in his arms, forgetting for a few seconds for what they were there. they also needed to drag him from Shaun, as Vaughn tried to reason with him, but all he got back was just more insults and reasons how disappointed he was in his father, and wished he never had to release him from the Vault.

after the Institute, Vaughn basically needed days to sleep, as he was so exhausted, and only woke up to eat and go to bathroom, but he needed like 3 days of resting.

but then on 4th morning, he could hear laughter of the kid and the other two, so he got up and seen a image he never thought he will see: Nick and Hancock on the couch, with Oliver onto Nick’s lap, playing a board game with Codsworth, while Dogmeat and Hera watched them.while Vaughn was resting, they two took care of Oliver, already acting like dads to him.

and now, to get to your question (if you got reading this so far ily) and answer it: it felt in that moment that he really loves them so much, and its clear he cant choose between them, as both were so perfect for him. but when he confessed, you might ask?

Oliver asked his dad if he can call the other two ‘dads’, and also asked if he should call them differently, like Hancock is ‘papa’ and Nick ‘pops’ and Vaughn finally realised that he should talk with them about their relationship. he was too busy with everything, and forgot about his own self.

when he asked them if its ok to be lovers and to be together a family, they answered that they are already a family, and its kinda obvious their relationship is closer. also Nick and Hancock agreed that they both love Vaughn, he loves them equally, there is no reason to be jealous, and both can have a good life together as a family.

[matazz]

letters roy endoza never sent

so i wrote these because i wanted to write out roy’s feelings to the party members. it was mostly a way to vent, but during the time, i really did want to send them - but my DM never let me (if you’re reading this LOL).

there’s something a bit sadder about it being letter’s he never sent.

in my head, he left along the journal that he wrote as well with the letters he left behind. i guess canonically i can say that the party never ended up finding them. 

group letter (written after roy left the party & before the gala)

for the group, i had fun while we were charading around finding ancient artifacts and solving puzzles. i’m going to miss our adventure, but i have to leave. i’ve involved myself against the fate of the universe, a crime against all odds. i’ve loved knowing you all and you’ve all helped me so much but i dont want to involve you anymore in it. more importantly i feel as if that my actions may draw a rift in your beliefs and i dont want to seperate that bond. please do not look for me. i’m afraid i serve no purpose in this mission with the champions anymore. i dont think the gods (and even myself) consider myself to be a champion anymore. to be quite honest with you, i don’t know what the consequences are or what might be from my actions but i will deal with it myself. i’m going to be honest. i appreciate all of you, and you’ve helped me in learning so much. about the world, magic, and other people. but i don’t want to involve any of you in my life and i don’t want to see any of you ever again. please do not try to contact me or find me. this is my departure letter. i am safe, and i am well, and i dont want to be involved with the champions anymore. i hope everybody does well. i’m sorry i left without saying anything but it had to be this way. it’s better for me this way, for everyone. i’ll stay safer this way. if the gods tell you to locate me, please ignore them their calls. i can not say why, but if you trust me at all, please believe me when i say i’m safer not meeting you. sincerely, roy endoza.

To the group (i think this was written the day of the gala, but before the Thing happened)

To the Champions, I’m not sure when this letter will deliver, so you might receive it a bit late. I’ve left for a while to pursue my own goals and research some things. I'm not sure when I'll be back, or if I'll even be back at all. There's been so much nagging at me that distances myself from all of you and I don't really feel like I belong so much anymore anyway. I don’t know whether or not my research is going to succeed, but if on the event that something happens, please don’t look for me. To be quite frank, I don’t really want to involve any of you in my research and I’m afraid that meeting you is only going to be a liability to me. On the unlikely event that my research turns out to be negative, I'll come back; however if that’s not the case then please don’t try to contact me and do not look for me. I can not stress this enough, but what I’m about to go through with is going to upset the gods and more importantly, all of you. It hurts to leave like this, but I have to say farewell. I loved travelling with most of you and I’ve learnt more about the world than I ever could have just staying at my house in Origin. Thank you so much for the adventure. Perhaps for the last time, Roy Endoza.

To Ayce (written the day of the gala i think)

Ayce, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to talk to you before I left. To be honest, I couldn’t bring myself to do it and I haven’t had the time or the nerve to say anything. I regret all of that, but you deserve at least something before I leave. I can’t continue our relationship.. I’ve felt distant for a while now, and it’s been nagging at me but I don’t think we’re good for eachother at all. I’ve been a dishonest man to you despite the fact that you’ve been honest with me the entire time. I know it makes me an asshole. You deserve so much better than I could ever be to you. I wish there was more I could say. You've probably figured it out already, and if you have then I already know it was pretty selfish or stupid of me to start this relationship despite the fact that I've known all along how it was going to turn out. You don't have to forgive me. I wouldn't either. And if you haven't figured it out, then I hope it wasn't so terrible for you. I've enjoyed my time with you. I hope you find someone better. Roy.

A letter to Ayce (written like the day roy left)

ayce i have a lot i’ve been meaning to say to you but havent had the time or the nerve to say anything. but i need to say it now because you deserve these words. i can no longer continue our relationship. i’ve redeemed myself but in doing so, i’ve gone against the world; but more importantly, to you. i love you very much, and i wish i could have come to the ball with you and danced. i would have loved to; but i have a lot going on and i dont want to involve you, or anybody else in our charade, involved in my problems. i’m sorry i could not say it to your face. i hope life treats you well. you deserve so much better than i could ever have been. with love roy

Letter to Ayce (dated from the week before roy left)

ayce i’m writing this because i didnt have the nerves to say this in person, and i apologize for that. to be honest, the more time passes the more o begin to think our relationship was a mistake, so i’m officially parting ways. i never lied when i said i love you. i still do, but i just dont think it has worked out or even will. i think our morals are too different; and i cant find myself being with somebody who finds it so easy to murder a person. no matter how terrible she was, i thought that you of all people may have disapproved after experiencing death already. i also found myself attached to Fox, so his leaving leaves a hole in my heart. ialso despise Atlas; but i digress, none of these are even the main reason i’m leaving. to be quite frank, i’ve never seen this mission with the gods as important. my dreams, my goals, my redemption; they will always be first. this mission with the gods has just been seen as a side quest for me. partially because i don’t trust the gods myself. if we take everything we’ve heard at face value, then why should i trust God’s that have left the world to ruins before? they don’t even trust us enough to tell us what has happened in the past. in my opinion, they’re either incompetent and lazy or not telling us the actual truth of what we’re doing; or even what they’re doing. they aren’t powerful. if they were, they could retrieve the keys themselves or defeat beshaba’s group themselves. i just can’t bring myself to want to do a mission anymore where i have to obey people who can not trust us enough to let us know basic information. meeting you was a bonus, but i think it’s time for me to move on. this wasn’t a decision i’ve made because Fox left; i’ve been thinking about this for a while. neither my goals or morals align with anyone elses. i want to be good, but i’m only a wench in a perfectly working clock. as of recent events, i also don’t want to explain myself to Atlas of all people, but i can’t bring myself to tell you about myself either. i may return, if only for more information or perhaps even the gala; as much as i do not care for the gods, i’m still interested in the keys and the power within them. if i meet you there, i know it may sound selfish to ask, but i hope you may give me one last dance. roy

a notebook. it’s a bit worn out and has some torn pages.. it was left behind with roy’s stuff and all the letters

‪entry 47‬ ‪[torn out page] ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪[torn out.] ‬‪entry 69‬ [‪torn out] ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back. i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ‪[scribbled out over so that you cant read it] ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just

sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out but still there: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪[torn out] entry 101.2 [torn out] entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. [the rest of it is torn out] (torn note inbetween the pages hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over. (there are about 2-3 pages with entry 102 that are torn out) entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try

avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 [torn out] entry 124 [torn out]

[tumblunni]

also wtf who designed rune factory 4 this way THIS IS MY ONLY COMPLAINT IN AN AMAZING GAME why are all the romance routes entirely random?? even after youve reached the relationship milestones its COMPLETELY RANDOM whether the event will start every day same for every friendship event and town event and even some plot events you just have to sit there at your bed constantly skipping days for multiple years til the random number god gives you the marriage scene you did EVERYTHING to earn this marriage scene and you have nothing left to do but wait and youll never see any new events with that character until it happens, and you have a very limited amount of dates to go on while youre waiting, and they all do NOTHING except raise the relationship bar over maximum which does nothing. doesnt even increase the chance of the random event?? why even LET me increase it over maximum if it does nothing? thats just tricking me into thinking i havent unlocked the marriage event yet! when I HAVE and i just need to WAIT A BAZILLION YEARS OF RANDOM

anyway i finally got Leon’s random marriage quest and it was Awesome and So Many Tears and now im even more conflicted on who to marry gahhhhh its such a shame you cant resolve everyone’s plot unless you date them, i feel so bad dating all these people when im not able to marry them all, just cos i wanna fix their lives and make them happy but then theyre gon be sad that we didnt get married aaaa

and Leon is especially saddddd

now cos his whole plot is that he had a depressing scenario with a friend as a kid. She loved him but he saw her as just a little sister, and he jokingly promised to marry her once when they were too young to understand. And he didnt know she took it seriously until after he DIED and reincarnated as a fox monster person centuries later too late to do anything about it. And he’s crushed full of guilt that he somehow led her on, and he was never able to apologise, and he’s scared she spent her whole life waiting for him to come back. and then you get this very cool series of sidequests thatre a realistic look at translating languages, and its really motivational how leon is able to help bring knowledge of a dead language back to life and preserve the ancient culture that people thought was lost BUT THEN ENDLESS FUCKIN TRAGEDY kiel accidentally finds an old diary of leon’s friend (WHAT ARE THE ODDS) and he has frickin detailed anxiety attacks unable to even hold the damn paper cos he’s shaking so much and you go on a big treasure hunt to find all the pages and he’s just CRYING SO MUCH mr playboy man! mr flirty asshole! mr stoic! he’s fuckin crying and he cant hold a book without your help and aaaa and his whole story is about how he isnt really the negative stereotypes of a flirty character, he really REALLY values love and he feels depressed he cant love everyone who loves him, so he tries to fake it. And he tries to push people away whenever it seems genuine, but also like... entertain them enough that they dont feel he doesnt love them, i guess? and no matter how promiscuous a person is, they still cant love EVERYONE, you cant just force a relationship on them and say they must be asking for it cos they date other people and enjoy sex. its so depressing that he considers his biggest flaw that he wasnt able to force himself to love someone he didnt, especially when he did care about her, just as a best friend instead! if theyd just talked about it, it would have saved all this heartache for both of them! so then we start piecing together this book and it looks like his worst fears are confirmed, she spent her whole life waiting for him and hating him and its really fucking EXPLODINGLY SAD and then the quest is a bit confusing so i spent several days stuck on this point not knowing who to talk to next, going through random dungeons in case that somehow helped. turned out i did find the right spot but the quest just doesnt progress until you talk to the right person first GAH! stuck for five days on crying leon scene!! NOOOOOO but I finally got past it and CLIMACTIC HAPPY END or bittersweet end more like we find out we mistranslated one bit which was actually PAGE NUMBERS, and we were missing a page all along! and then the final page reveals that she actually moved on and found a new love and had a happy family and grew old together, and her only frustration with leon was imagining that he couldnt find the same thing, worrying that she’d betrayed him. So this wasnt a diary, it was actually a letter she wrote for him to find, having confidence he’d wake up someday and have another chance at happiness! She just wanted him to know that she kept his memory alive and she’s sorry and she was happy and AAAAAAUUUGH im tearing up again the bit that really got me was that we find out that leon’s favourite romance novel was actually written by her. It was so popular it survived into the modern day as a literature classic, and it convinces him that she really was happy with her new boyfriend if she could write something as beautiful as this. And he wants to embody the spirit of the book with you, and keep his new promise to her to have a happy family of his own :) ... AGHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHH why cant i marry everyone why do so many of them have plots where it seems like they wont be happy unless i love them... even now i dont really think the leon pairing is my favourite, i wish i could have had this plot as a friendship route! i think it would have resonated just as much since the whole backstory is about him being friends with someone who had unrequited love for him. i wanna be leon’s bestie and ultimate wingman! I like him a lot but I dont really think i wanna marry him! IM SO SORRY LEON AAAA he’s such a soulful beefcake dammit I’m sure he’d find a bazillion better lovers! I’m sure a lot of players did marry him! WHY DO I FEEL SO GUILTY AAAAA its not fair, aaaa arthur was the first one i dated and i also really care about him but in his case his way of acting in the romance isnt very different to when youre just friends so i dont think i wanna commit to that relationship maybe? it might change when i see his final random event but i dont get much ‘he’ll be happy with you’ vibes, its just strengthening their powerful brotp that they had from the start of the game. he feels like someone protagonist would indeed date, but theyd part again on friendly terms after it didnt work out, and then be amicable exes who still care a lot about each other. and I just feel like I wanna marry dylas even though he’s had the least tragic events so far. gahhhh! he just seems SO HAPPY dating you, and has loads of character development since it started, unlike the other two ive seen the dates for. he feels like he’s actually getting something out of this that he wouldnt if we were just friends? its so hard trying to weigh up the pros and cons of romance options in games when im inacapble of actually being attracted to anyone, its just ‘i care about you all and i wanna give you the best possible ending’. I haaaaate when games have it so that romance is always the best possible ending for every single character and they all suffer forever if you dont pick them :P and I havent even seen the romances with the other three dudes yet! GAHHHHH!! Theyre all the ones I wasnt immediately interested in dating, but that opinion could totally change, i could end up with a six way tie :P ... ALSO RANDOM BUT is anyone else really uncomfortable with the queerbaiting in this game? there is a LOt, a LOT of ‘lol maybe gay’, sometimes so clear that it seems the game is outright canonically stating this character is gay or bisexual yet you have no option to marry them unless youre the opposite sex. It gets REALLY uncomfortable with Dylas, he just,,, does not express any interest in women at all unless the player pursues him. And his mutual crush with doug is CONSTANTLY REFERENCED, and called out very clearly for what it is. IOf the game didnt keep pointing it out i would have been able to shrug it off as just accidental chemistry from a failed rivalry plotline or something, but we have EVERYONE saying ‘oh a lover’s quarrel’ and ‘be honest about your feelings’ and ‘i bet you wanna see doug in a swimsuit’ and ‘gee i really wanna see doug in a swimsuit’ and IT CANT BE ANY MORE CANON THAN THIS. And.. like.. Dylas even says he DOESNT wanna see women in swimsuits, he’s just here at the beach cos Doug might come along. He does not express any interest in women at all except the protagonist! It makes me feel SO uncomfortable! it feels like he’s actually gay, when with most other characters they seem bisexual?? I dunno how to explain it, thats just how it comes off to me. Why is there no option for him and doug to date, why cant i date him as the male protagonist?? His romance route is so totally gender neutral, i did the postgame protagonist swap cheat and it just feels more in-character for him this way. if im gonna steal him away from Doug i dont want it to be a weird gay conversion therapy type thing, it just feels so WEIRD. The one and ONLY stated crush he has on another character, and its gay, and theres NO OPTION FOR IT TO HAPPEN and then he suddenly becomes 100% straight and never talks about doug again if a fem protagonist dates him. SO WEEEEEIRD... I’m just gonna sit here on the non-canon bonus feature dylas x male protag train and never leave. If you cant have doug you shall have the transitioned me! Its funny cos he’s like the only batchelor i very vehemently cannot ship with fem protag, yet do with male protag :P but GAHHH leon deserves a family and i could give him a child and aaaaa SO HARD TO CHOOSE also i am sad that the postgame cheatmode lets you switch to any character but if its not one of the two protags its only your overworld model and not your face portraits. Its weird because every batchelor and batchelorette has the exact same full set of emotions and costumes, so why cant i access that?? its also a shame cos it means i cant roleplay my doug and dylas marriage properly :P CMON MAN WHY U EVEN TELL ME THEY IN LOVE IF THEY CANT BE IN LOVE :P they have the best portmanteau ship name too! douglas! :P