#i honestly dont even think id be that hard to meet up irl with my bf

[homoeroticvillain]

girl help im romanticizing things i cant do again

[httpiastri]

some quick notes from your previous reply (i’m sorry i took so long ive been so busy recently but i finally have time now so):

firstly, i hope i never meet a handball player irl, ever. the fact that you just casually know people above 200cm?? i’m sorry but i’d actually feel like a pest around everyone 😓😓 (plus id get really jealous of heights) and id also be terrified to even stand near anyone close to 200 pls

and omg the fact that the guy who got you into coaching recently passed? i hope you’re doing okay 😓🙏 but if it helps— he may not have known how much he changed your life, but through coaching, you’re basically keeping his legacy alive, yeah? i think it matters, personally, that people are remembered and honoured and you’re kinda doing that through coaching, because you’re kinda solidifying (if that’s the right word for it) the fact that he existed, and he did enough good to change the lives of people for the better, and that his time here on earth wasn’t all in vain because he did good and he brought joy to people like you by leading you to being a coach and that his impact lives on even when he’s gone yk? it’s a form of closure, i think— to know that even if someone is gone now, there are pieces of them scattered behind in little things (in your case, in your daily life as a coach), and that not all is lost, just a little harder to find

also oops the fact that i called them girls even though they’re only a barely a few years younger than me 😭😭

and omg pepe would 100% make me feel comfortable meeting him at a race even if he might be stressed and no way you got to go to races at 8?? you had a chance to be one of those cute kids probably decked out in merch (if no merch was involved you probably got to scream happily at everything and good for you😭😭 because thats exactly how races should be experienced)

finding sponsors can’t be that hard… we could infiltrate the space in various ways im sure (my friend’s mum knows someone who works for Marlboro that gets invited to races bc the company was an EX-sponsor so anything’s possible)

on a rather unrelated note— pepe’s been acting very much like a muse for me recently… whatever that might mean… (might even be nothing honestly sometimes i don’t know what i mean either)

anyway! as always, i hope you have a lovely lovely friday, and weekend, and june (pepe’s month!), and that people are kind to you and that the sky looks beautiful and gorgeous all the time ❤️❤️

- 🪷💗

gosh dont apologize :( esp since you know im bad at answering….. its alright 🥺 just glad to hear from you 🥺🥺

shdjdhd it do be scary to meet really tall people!! when im around the men's team i work with sometimes, i almost get neck pains bcs staring up at them is so hard 😵‍💫 and i have this other job where i have to like sit by the court and do things for the match, and when players come over to talk to me and they literally tower over me???? insane 😶 but yes i too get jealous of heights, esp since in handball it's good for girls to be tall too so everyone around me is always tall asf? ive always been considered to be a tall person in school but at 175cm i am nowadays considered short in the team i currently play in 😐😐😐 so yes i feel u aaa (also several of the girls i coach are my height already and just. pls stop growing, you're scaring me. 🥲)

ALSO OMFG i almost forgot to answer this but i had a thought yesterday.... about my favorite volleyball player being 188cm and i thought "hm that's not very far off from pepe" so of course i have now started thinking about volleyball player!pepe 😶 idk if you enjoy volleyball aaaaaaa but i just thought about his height and his big ass hands that would make hitting the ball easier and just..........

thank you, im doing okay but it's still weird to imagine? because i haven't really had anyone close to me (or even semi-close) pass away so it's a very new experience, being in his neighborhood (very close to where i live) and thinking "oh what if i see him in the shop like that day-" before realizing... but god you put it in such a sweet way, im lowkey teary eyed :( i will continue to do my best to keep his legacy alive and honor him through my coaching!!! he created this thing that became so important to me and for that i will be forever thankful. but yes i agree, it means that he brought more meaning to my life and therefor also the girls i coach, and that's such a beautiful thing. it's life, i guess 😭 so hard but also so sweet...

skdjfhdjjf dont worry, i call them "children" to their faces very often even though some are even 16 😁 but to be fair ive known a lot of them since they were nine so to me they're still babies :(( also you being that young and still so smart is so cool and cute aaa

no because i have imagined meeting pepe MANY times and i really really think he would be so sweet about it. very happy that i recognize him and like "aw hey it's okay! no tears please" when i cry 😭 and i think he also would agree to do a silly pose with me for a photo aksjdhfjkdf 😭 i sadly didn't buy a lot of merch BUT (did i mention this already?? then i will be so insanely embarrassed....) we did get me a kimi lotus cap for obvious reasons 🥺 that i still have to this day actually !!! and ofc we took a pic of me next to the lotus truck 🤭 (also realizing now that i wasn't 8, i was 9 or 10 🤣 well well)

oh! then i think we can pretend to be your friend's mum's friend's kids? so we should also be invited?? or maybe we just need to get a job somewhere that has connections and can invite us..... to be fair my dad wrote to dino beganovic's manager or something about sponsoring him just for funsies (idk how u mean to sponsor someone just for fun tho 😶 he was like "what if i get my company's logo on his car and in return we get to come into the paddock once?..."), but then the manager responded with a full deal and stuff and my dad just got scared 😭 but we should keep looking, i'm sure we can find a good sponsor for us 🥰

aaaaa that's so sweet 🥺 i love that 🥺🥺🥺 if you feel like talking further about it, im all ears 🥰

aw dalring i hope you have an even lovelier lovely friday and week and month and year !!! and yes yes pepe's month, i think it will be very good to us all (esp him!!!!!!!) 🥰 i think that maybe the world listened to your ask because the sunset was so gorgeous tonight 🥺 so thank you for that <3<3

[rcl-stan]

would i be friends with the hoo characters irl?

back on my bs babes 😌 happy greenlit series btw 🥳

jason - i dont think id hate him but our personalities would definitely clash a lot, especially when its not in our best interests to be fighting at the moment. but i feel like itd be really fun to exchange style tips (aka i wanna redo his entire wardrobe so bad). we’d probably meet through band or something and then we’d have a couple other classes together, but those other classes are the ones we do the most group projects in and we’re always together which almost never turns out well. he’d probably think he does most of the work and will complain about it constantly but i’d do the same amount plus correcting all his mistakes and making sure it looks nice so smd jason 🤨 hes super kind to everyone tho as a default so that makes up for it a little

piper - yes. 100% we’d be friends. she has great style and a great taste in music. she’s actually close with jason and we redo his wardrobe together. she’s definitely one of those indecisive arts kids that has participated in every arts program in school by graduation and in attempts to not let that make her a pick me she becomes a little bit of a pick me but its okay. surprisingly enough tho shes not very popular even though she radiates that “im popular” energy. its probably bc she comes off as an asshole but she’s actually really nice with an awful rbf and no awareness of tone. we also both have short fuses and we fuck bitches up together. bestie goals

leo - ALSO YES. everything that most people hate about him i absolutely love. he’s exactly my type of person. he’s definitely one of those ambiverted robotics kids or those drummers with the energy of a firecracker. platonically in love with this boy. we’d TOTALLY gaslight our straight/white friends into thinking they’re racist or homophobic at any minor inconvenience they give us. “can you grab my pencil sorry i dropped it right by your foot” “its just out of reach sorry man” “oh what are you racist now?? you hate mexicans or something??” “😟 no pls i-” my favorite pastime. i feel like how we’ve struggled in life would also help with bonding and we’d understand each other and how our brains work well, pretty much just getting that good “i understand you” energy thats hard to get. plus he’s literally so hilarious and he has that dumb sense of humor that makes me tear up even though i know the joke isnt that funny. 4liferz next question

Reyna - oh no. she’s so sweet and i understand she’s been through a lot but there’s no way we’d get along. like honestly i think she’d just bore me. i need a lot of energy and i dont think she really meets that requirement. too focused on getting into an ivy league like bebe chill we’re sophomores its okay. i feel like she’d be one of those people that just get on my nerves for being around. nothing against her, i just get bothered very easily. as i get to know her though it wouldnt be bad. id maybe get her coffee on her birthday and tell her to relax even tho she wouldnt, but she deserves the break shes slaying a little too hard on herself

Rachel - i cant believe i left her out of the last one omg shes in this series a bit tho its okay- i think we’d get along and be good friends, but she’s probably one of those ones i can’t be around too much, like i think id really get her but i also think shed drain me pretty fast iykwim. absolute sweetheart tho. we’d probably meet in tech theatre and we’d probably drive to get food or coffee before practice with either just each other or a smaller group. we’d also talk about astrology all the time and i love her for that

clarisse - another i cant believe i left out shes not even in this one isnt she in college- okay okay UH id be intimidated definitely but like in the i have a crush on you but youd crush me way. i know i absolutely adore her character but i think shed be one of those seniors i hate, like just bc of smaller things she does here and there and since i dont care enough to get closer to her id assume she just sucks. my other friends who know her would totally be like “yall should talk more” and id REFUSE just to spite them after a point, even though i know they’re probably right that we’d get along if i gave her a chance

octavian - imma be real id bully this guy RELENTLESSLY hes got a massive ego and i wouldnt hold back. hed be like this girl i know that i have like four year old beef with OMG i hate that girl and im just now realizing if octavian were a hs student now they’d probably have a similar personality- 😟. a hard pass from me. we’d go at each other for fun but hed always lose. he wouldnt act like it but he would. like yungblud fighting the gender norms and losing pathetically. like what is he wearing. anyways

hazel - oh no. shed be one of those freshmen with a lot of audacity. even though shes absolutely wise beyond her years that doesnt mean she gets to act like an upperclassman like freshmen are freshmen, but maybe its the lack of understanding for social status. like id be nice to her but she’d bother me so much. id maybe miss her when i graduate tho

frank - like reyna, too chill. he has a short fuse for me and my kind of people tho so we’d probably fight all the time anyways. straight As, spelling bee, studco, gov extracurriculars, that dude is my worst nightmare. i have some friends like that but the thing is they have a personality. frank lacks in that area. stop focusing on which university of california you wanna go to and worry about yourself. not yourself as in academics, i mean yourself king ☹️

[daddy-daichis]

Yesterday the very beautiful and talented @fuwari-s tagged me in this game and since that post is already really long i figured id make a new one lol  (Also thank you for tagging me, it made me so happy)

The Game: Tag your 2D lovers + the other trend I saw yesterday and wanted to do which is Would you actually date them IRL. So ill put that under the cut because it is a lot.

HQ: Atsumu, Daichi, Issei, Bokuto, Hinata, and Kyoutani

BNHA: Bakugou, Denki, and Hawks

JJK: Sukuna and Mei Mei

Others: Kagami from KNB, Levi and Jean from AOT, and Mikoto Suoh from K

So if you want to know if i would date them irl that is below the cut lol

As for tagging... if you want to do it :) @eijirosriot @bokutosnumberonefan @hinosreis @tetsus-kitten @sugawarakoushihoe @mynameisjackattack and anyone else who wants to do one or both of these challenges.

Alright so would i date these men (+ mei mei) in real life. Short answer is yes lmao. Long answer, with some headcanons that may or may not  venture into 18+ category but only slightly. all aged up to be my age which is 26.

Atsumu - PLEASE, YES

we would be so chaotic together but he would also be really loving. As long as he can still prioritize me in a relationship, not over volleyball, just as much, then we will be golden. We would have such a good time and i feel like we would have a lot of fun bickering, which i really enjoy. Play fighting as a form of foreplay, if you will lmao. We’d probs be friends in HS and then get together after he starts playing for MSBY and he is secured in his position (and himself tbh). I just love this cocky bastard. he also gives me switch vibes and as a switch, i love that for me.

Daichi - YES

All i need is to be wrapped in his arms on the daily and i would be happy. Man would know how to take care of me and that is all. Love of my life, too good for this world. Wholesome husband. He would be able to manage my crazy side and chill me out when i get to anxious. I would want to be bratty just to get him to drop his good guy routine sometimes and I feel like he would like that.

Issei - YES

Funeral home employee can get it. Matsukawa Horse cock Issei can whisk me off my feet and straight into bed. we would have a lot of fun picking on oikawa together (out of love of course) but we would balance each other out a lot. His darker humor would go well against my lighter humor. Also I feel like our level of hotness is pretty comparable... like we aren't the prettiest in the friend group but still good (if that makes sense)

Bokuto - YES

Big ball of sunshine to light up my day, he would literally fuck the sad out of me every day I just know it. Like atsumu, as long as I am a priority to him itll work out. We also kind of have the same sad moods so I feel like we could either both just curl up on the couch together and watch a movie or bring the other out of a funk easily. I love this giant himbo so much.

Hinata - most likely yes

Pretty much the same reasons as bokuto but I feel like I would get drained of his energy faster, so he would def have to cuddle me more. For everyone else so far I can imagine being high school sweethearts, but with hinata i think he wouldnt settle down until later, or even start dating so it would probably be a lot of pining and watching him from the side lines for a while, which would be really hard tbh. but the way he would smile at me after a match would make it worth it so...

 Kyoutani - Hard YES

I love a boy with anger issues, what can i say... (cough couch my irl husband with anger issues couch couch) I would love to be his weak spot and the one person he would go to to help him not feel angry anymore. I think that my fun personality would help him to unbox himself a bit. I just want to give him cuddles and a place to feel accepted. id also i KNOW hes a monster in bed... 

Bakugou - FUCKING HARD YES, PLEASE

if he was real the things i would do to and for him... A lot like kyoutani i would want to give him a place where hes accepted, and a place where he is unconditionally loved. I would be able to handle his misguided anger and calm him down and give him space. I headcanon that hes very cuddly in private to just his S/O which is something that i love. I love his lil smirk and would do anything to get him to smirk at me. As long as he is able to set me as a priority it would work out, but that would be what he struggles with so it would be a thing we would have to talk about. But I also feel that once you say something about it he would check in with you because of course he has to be the best bf/husband. I feel like I could talk for hours about him so Ill just wrap it up by saying that I love me a passionate man who would probs be a lil possessive, and I would use that to my advantage. 

Denki - GOD YES

I really do think that denki and I are soulmates. we are both the perfect blend of funny, pervy, while still being soft. I feel like there would be a lot of mutual pining at first but he would end up the golden retriever gamer boy to my alt bisexual and thats just the perfect pairing. We would pull so much shit and then get away with it because thats just us being us. I see us being scolded by bakugou a lot for the stupid shit we would pull. Also late night drives in his shitty tuned car to taco bell while we sing alt rock songs from the 2010s. also the switch vibes are immaculate.

 Hawks - Probably

So it would honestly depend a lot on what version of hawks.. him in the hero commission is a no, because he wouldnt be able to be honest with me about a lot of stuff. Like his name, or when i can see him again, and that would give me too much anxiety. When hes free of them and is actually allowed to be himself I think it could work then. I know that he of course wants to still be the best hero, so he would have the same problems as bakugou with finding a balance, but if he wants to i think he could. He would also have a lot of trauma from his relationship with his parents and the commission so I dont know if he would be able to give his love away as freely as he wants so we could get therapy together. I love that for us. But i would happily wake up next to this beautiful birb man if he would have me.  

Sukuna - A hesitant yes

so.. the anger issues that ive mentioned before.. yes. I would like sukuna. I would be his lil bride and sit on his lap on his throne as long as he didnt kill my loved ones or my cats lmao. I would also be ok with being his and itadoris gf while hes living in itadoris head. being with him is just asking for an unhappy ending tho, whether its a life always on the run, or someones trying to kill me, or someones trying to kill him, or hes trying to kill someone. But yes i would like to be with him but that would mean sacrificing a lot. 

Mei Mei - god yessssss..

Please Mei Mei step on me and make me ur lil house wife. I see us living in a pent house apartment with the most breathtaking view of the Tokyo skyline. I would want for nothing and she could take me where ever she wanted and i would just follow her around with heart eyes.

 Kagami - YES

my basketball husband! i love him and would love to be loved by him. Id follow him wherever. He would take care of me and is just so dreamy.. also i guess the mild anger issues.. but hes really not that bad. He would just be such a good s/o. He would cook us nice dinners, wed have a few cats, and he would carry me around a lot because hes so strong. While were on the topic of strong... his stamina... everyone on this list probably has good if not great stamina... but kagami just hits different..... have you seen him in the zone? have you seen his thighs? his sex zone has got to be incredible. 

 Levi - Yes

I was going to say it depends, but really it doesn't... if were in the aot universe and hes my captain and I fall in love with him u can bet ur ass im gonna try and get with him because i could die at anytime. if its some au where he is here in our universe and somehow we meet... like of course im gonna be in love with him. our height difference isnt too bad, im only like an inch or 2 taller than him. I think we would both have a great time together. I would make him laugh, and he would help me clean, because lord knows I hate cleaning. BUT i hate cleaning because its something that I always have to do alone, and I feel like levi would have us be cleaning together like he makes the scouts do. and hes just so sexy... 

Jean - big yes

This beautiful handsome man... idk what to even say about him. Hes strong, funny, handsome, cocky, but very much full of love. would love to run away from the world with him. I feel like if he was in love with me before *tries not to give away spoilers* the marco incident (?) that after he would become very clingy and attached and im ok with that. There would have to be lots of cuddles and reassurances and i just want to see him happy and not at war, with both real life people and himself... id give him the best kisses and he would become addicted to them. 

Mikoto - No? But maybe...

I feel like we could be.. but if you watched the show then you know.. But i would love to be Homra’s princess TBH. No one would mess with me or they would have to face the wrath of my big fire boyfriend and his whole ass gang. But on the other hand I feel like Mikoto wouldnt allow himself to fall in love, so it would probably be a hush hush topic. everyone knows the boss and I are in an entanglement, but they cant talk about it. Then Anna starts asking questions to Mikoto and he has to come clean to her, which would be so cute. He tells her is a secret but she doesn't care lmao. in conclusion, I would want to, but I dont think he would let me.... Maybe friends with benefits tho....

............................................................................................

ok if you read all this im officially in love with you. Please take my heart. 

This took me like 2 hours to do because I love thinking about it so much. if you have any thoughts about any of this hop into my dms or comment on this because id love to hear them (especially if you think i belong with one more than the others lmao). 

[unleashed-salt]

To clarify

Hi im [insert nickname i havent picked yet that wont lead people to finding my main as im hoplessly new and not open about being aroace] and i suffer from the Need To Overexplain Myself So That I Will Never Be Misunderstood Despite Having No Followers lmao

When i say something along the line of "im aro and get fucking lonely sometimes" im specefically venting to people i see both online and irl that seems to think im 100% fine with being alone and left out of things and be left behind as friends leave for romantic partners as some sort of permanent third wheel. Like ive said it before i dont experince alterous attraction (im slightly romance repulsed as well), honestly idk where i even classify, but i get lonely very easily (but guess what im also an introvert, which yes means i also need alone time and space these two things dosent cancell each other out ffs). Ive always struggled with making new friends im very aware i just dont get what i need from casual friends and anqiuatances and that i viscerally crave some form of deeper emotional connection with people yet I DONT EXPERIENCE QPR AND ALTEROUS ATTRACTION and that fucks with me in so many hurtful ways. Partially why i dident id as aro for so long was this deep fear that i would never be truly happy in my relations with other people and that i was to easily attention starved to be aro. And when i do try to deepen friendships i feel like im constately stepping over a line beacuse what i want Is What A Large Part Of Society Tell Me Is Wrong And Wierd. Also for the record im not american, or english for that matter i come from a rather closed of culture where unconventional socializing can be very fuckin hard. Things are so easy in the sense that if youre allo theres all these systems set up for you, dating has like a million apps. But hell am i gonna do? Go to the "serious friendship bar"? And then i hear shit like "it gets harder making friends as you grow older" i feel no hope for my future, all my highschool and college friends will leave eventually and theres nothing i can do about it. i cant even imagine it. Ive never in my life ever meet another irl aro (and then aros arent all the same what i want isent what others always want) , hell sometimes i wonder if there even are any in my country. I attend pride and all i see is ace flags and nothing else. And sure i can read a million posts on how "friendships can be as deep as you like" and yeah i agree 100% but actually finding someone else that think that is not as easy honestly makes most of these posts just useless to me on bad days.

So to round things off sometimes id just whis it was aknowledged with all these posetivety posts floating around just how being aro fucks you up when youre like me and how you can crave this kind human companionship youre pretty sure youll never actually get beacuse theres nowhere to seek it (also i still dont experince qp attraction even with these feelings, sometimes i feel like even the aro relationships that come up is something i cant use). Beacuse "you can totally have qpr's! (some other form of platonic partnership)" posts, wont take the hurt away and just makes me feel more alone tbh. And im not attacking posetivety, its great to have, but sometimes it feels like it kinda overshadows everything else and also i know this wont apply to all aros and thats okey, please tell me if i overgenralize im only speaking of my own experinces in this.

(for the record im not an english native speaker if i get something wrong or just word things in an hard to read way i apologize and feel free to correct me)

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[the-trth-untold]

now its ur turn. do all of the sweetheart asks.

god jsjsjhdjk im just letting u kno these answers r gonna be BORING but hhhh THANK U 

1. Talk about your first love.

i’ve never been in love, never been in a relationship before. BUT i can vaguely remember my first crush back in 2nd grade. all i can remember was that his name was kyle and he was the only boy who ever spoke to me and my brain just went !!! 

2. What’s the most beautiful song you’ve ever heard in your opinion?

Break My Heart Again - FINNEAS or What Was Our Love All About - Adrian Milanio and Marylou Villegas 

these are just two that i can think of there are A LOT of beautiful songs

3. How’s your heart feeling right now?

fine??

4. What kind of self care is your favorite to do?

i dont really do any self care things?? 

5. What’s your skincare routine?

i dont do any skincare routines either... ik im a monster

6. How did you get to be so beautiful?

u must be blind if u think that 

7. Do you have any stuffed animals?

i used to have over 50 stuffed animals, i would always place them all over my bed neatly but i got rid of them now :( 

8. Best trip you’ve ever been on?

Myrtle Beach, SC because it was my first vacation spot and i was so happy seeing two dolphins close to the shore

9. Favorite thing about your room?

the color of my walls and blankets lol mint green and peach colors

i dont have anything cool in my room

10. Opinion on love?

i mean, it’d be nice to experience it some day and i hope i do but right now im content being by myself

11. Are you affectionate?

if i know you very well i can be, if not im very awkward and will barely make any eye contact with you

12. Who do you look up to?

i look up to people who have struggled a lot in their life, people who can be optimistic in any situation

13. Favorite poet?

i dont read much poetry, but i loved reading some things Emily Dickinson has published

14. Song that makes you happy? How about one that calms you down when you’re in a bad place?

honestly any disney song makes me happy! im a huge disney nerd and listening to any of those songs makes me feel nostalgic.

when im in a bad place, any slow, ballad sounding song can calm me down

15. Do you play an instrument?

i played the flute in middle school but dropped it after less than a week LOL

16. Do you do art? Using what (pencil, watercolor, etc)?

i like doing digital art but im not good at it and i dont have adobe illustrator anymore so i haven’t done anything recently

17. Do you dance? What style of dance?

i cannot dance and no one will make me

IM TOO EMBARRASSED EVEN IF IM ALONE HAHAHA

18. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in astrology?

im a libra

i somewhat believe in astrology, i know there’s more to it than just your sun sign and there are different placements that make you different from the stereotypical traits people use for each sign

a lot of the “things about each sign” can be used for anyone because the responses can be very vague and many people can relate to 

19. Favorite old film?

too many

the shining, the breakfast club, carrie, pretty in pink, etcetcetc

20. What’s your hairstyle?

idk its a mess

curly/wavy and i have hardcut bangs 

21. What weather is the most beautiful, in your opinion?

fall weather, where its like 50 F (or 10 C for all u weirdos out there), cold enough to put on a flannel and boots

22. What upsets you most about the world?

i only have two hands but there are so many cats and dogs. i cannot pet all of them. (IM SORRY THIS WAS UR ANSWER DASHA BUT IM KEEPING IT ITS SO CUTE AND FUNNY AND I RELATE)

23. Are you in love right now?

no

24. Do you have a crush? If so, talk about them!

i dont have a crush lol

25. Do you have pets? Talk about something sweet about them!

yes!!! i have two gorgeous puppies!!! if u wanna check them out u can follow my instagram i post them all the time @ the.moon.atomic

they’re such dorks but they fit my household idk how to describe it they just belong in my house hahha

26. Do you have a lucky number?

i dont really believe in lucky numbers 

27. Have you ever wished on a star? What about on a fallen eyelash?

no, and i never heard about wishing on a fallen eyelash haha

28. Do you believe emoji spells to work?

no???????? i dont even know what that is

29. Do you believe in magic in general?

no

30. What’s the most beautiful thing in life, In your opinion?

when people finally stop hiding their true selves, show their real smiles, and laugh so hard they snort 

idk i just love people, well, most anyway sjsjhzjdsk

31. Opinion on the color pink? What about baby blue?

love them 

theyre such pure colors and they just remind me of newborn babies hahaha

32. What instrumental sound is your favorite?

piano definitely

33. Do you like the sound of wind? What about the sound of rain?

yes! yes to both! i love rain more though, sorry wind

34. Who makes you happy?

my friends, family, and my mutuals 

35. What makes you happy?

listening to music

36. Imagine your ideal life, the life you wish to make, what will that look like?

ohh well i’d be living on germany for starters hahaha

id like to have my own house, maybe living with a best friend

definitely like 5784538902 cats and dogs, i love them 

at some point id like to have a relationship LOL

37. Do you wear makeup? If so what’s your favorite type of makeup or specific makeup product? Favorite store to buy makeup? 

only on rare days ill put on makeup, i only use eyeshadow, liner, and mascara and ive never gone to a store thats just for make up, i just go to a pharmacy lol

38. Do you wear dresses? If so what’s your favorite dress you own?

only if i absolutely have to, the dress i wore for my senior pictures is my favorite

39. Ever been heartbroken? How do you deal with it?

noo, ive never been in a relationship 

40. Who’s your closest friend? What do you love about them?

i kinda really dont have one, not irl anyway

@neo-bangtan @mini-pretzel are my closest friends online, i love everything about u guys

41. Introvert or extrovert?

introvert

42. Do you like MBTI? What’s your MBTI?

im isfj

43. Would you be a fairy, a mermaid, a vampire, a siren, or an angel?

uh idk?? i wouldnt want to be immortal so 

44. What’s the best song a friend has ever introduced to you?

acid jazz singer - the fratellis 

45. Parlez-vous français?

no my french sucks

46. Most beautiful place you’ve been to?

honestly i cant think of any place pennsylvania sucks ahhaha

47. Where/when do you truly feel at home?

home...... my bed...... LOL

48. Does smiling put you in a better mood? Try it right now, you’re smile is gorgeous!

only if im not looking at myself lol

49. Favorite shoe you own?

slip ons or my new balance 

50. Can you walk in stilettos? Do you like them?

N O i am so accident prone i can barely walk barefoot without tripping 

51. Do you feel loved?

kinda? sometimes?

52. How do you express love to those you care about?

just giving them a hug lol or saying i love you

53. Favorite term(s) of endearment?

no ones ever called me any but i like baby, im a simple girl 

54. Most romantic thing someone’s ever done for you?

nothing?

55. When is the happiest you’ve ever been?

meeting new people who share the same interests 

56. Are you happy right now?

im pretty neutral atm

57. What makes you smile?

really awful jokes that ARENT EVEN FUNNY AND TALKING DASHA AND KARINA 

58. Do you laugh a lot?

i guess??

59. What’s your favorite kind of aesthetic?

soft vibes i guess haha

60. Do you want to marry for love or for some other reason (like money)?

i dont see myself marrying but if i would it would definitely be for love

61. What would your dream wedding look like? Do you want to get married?

i dont really want to get married, most of the time it ends in divorce and theres just a lot of paper work and its a hassle i dont see a point in it 

62. Favorite flower?

hydrangeas 

63. Favorite artist?

edgar degas

64. Favorite music artist?

bts lol

65. How kind do you think you are? Is kindness important to you?

i try to be kind to everyone, i dont know if others perceive me that way but i think kindness is very important to me

66. Ever made a playlist for someone?

once and i loved it, pls ask me to make a playlist for u

67. Do you have anything you do to physically comfort you when your sad? Such as a favorite blanket? Or a relaxing bath?

music and a soft blanket 

68. Early bird or night owl?

early bird

69. Morning routine?

wake up, look in the mirror, look away from the mirror, go back to bed. (AGAIN THIS IS UR ANSWER DASHA BUT IM KEEPING IT HHAHAHAHA)

70. Night routine?

shower and watch netflix until i fall asleep

71. What is the most lovely quality a person could have in your opinion?

being humble

72. Do you cry often? Does crying help you get the emotions out? Do you feel better after?

yes yes and yes

im such a cry baby i will cry at everything if u yell at me or if disappoint u im so sensitive 

73. Do you like hugs?

yes but i dont receive many hugs

74. When was the last time you kissed someone?

never

75. Are you small or tall?

small, 5′4 or 164cm

76. Do you like wholesome memes?

who doesnt

77. Favorite thing about the past?

anything that makes me feel nostalgic 

78. Do you ever wonder about the future?

yes

79. Have you ever lived in a different country than you currently live in?

nooo

80. Do you like plane flights? Airports?

ive never been on a plane

81. Sunrises or sunsets?

sunsets

82. The beach or a forest?

beach

83. What time of day do you tend to be in the best mood?

when im sleeping lol

84. Do you push yourself to act together and in a good mood even when you aren’t?

i try to 

85. Favorite kind of tree?

what kind of question is this i dont know anything about trees

86. Do you care about the health of the Earth?

i want to but i dont do anything for it

87. What did you like most about your childhood, if anything?

fieldtrips in school

88. Do you read a lot? What’s your favorite book?

i try to read more, my favorite book is more happy than not 

89. What are you most nostalgic for at the moment?

disney, i just put my christmas tree down and the ornaments are disney characters

90. What’s your favorite personality trait you have?

honesty i guess?

91. List at least ONE thing you love about your appearance.

my eyes

92. When was the last time you truly felt calm, without much of anything to worry about?

after i bathe 

93. Do you worry a lot?

yes all the time

94. The dazzling lights of the city or the relaxing countryside?

dazzling lights of the city

95. Ever changed the shoelaces on one of your shoes? For what reason?

no 

96. Favorite pastry?

??????????? i dont know??????????

97. Do you like doing little acts of kindness?

YEAH

98. How’s your day/night going?

fine so far, i dont have to work today so im just chillaxing 

[gumdecay]

i just want to be comfortable!! i want to live in a place i can be however im feeling at that moment w/o worrying that ppl will think im someone different than i was before.. i want to live in a place i can make noise and breathe without worrying that ppl are annoyed having to hear me.. and like thanks 2 my trauma hellbrain that’s not gnna happen until i live on my own and Also thanks 2 my trauma hellbrain i cant afford 2 live on my own bc disability is only $750 a month section 8 isn’t available anywhere near me and rent is at least $500 and that’s in a house w 3 other people!! i was so so so so hopeful that i would be able to breathe here but they cleaned the place for the meeting and it hasn’t been clean since, i had a nightmare abt the one guy living here the.. second?? night i was here and now im scared 2 be around him, he still hasn’t signed the rental agreement that he asked me to leave on the table a week ago that he sits in front of every day, and im too scared to remind him abt it bc hes seen it every day for a week!! i cant get food without that signature, i cant evn apply and the longer i wait the longer it’s gonna take to get approved, and i have no money to buy more food once i run out of what i have!! i tried so hard not to think of this as a rescue but i did and now im disappointed and just as sad and scared as always and i still can’t breathe!! the only work available to me is tarot which no one wants to pay for and sex work which im not comfortable doing nymore bc my boyfriend wants to be exclusive!! i have no support irl other than my mom and i cant go to her bc her husband is disgusting and awful and i dont know what to do!! i am so tired of waiting and begging and working for things to be better and they never fucking are and im tired of pretending to be happy and im tired of wanting to end it just so i dont have to be miserable anymore!!! i don’t have my psych meds anymore and i know id be at least a little better if i did but i dont want to see a fucking therapist anymore bc theyre all useless garbage ableist assholes and at this point id literally rather die than try to find one who doesnt make things worse bc they dont exist lol!! its a saturday night and im alone as always and i feel so fucking empty and im honestly ready to overdose AGAIN and hope that this time my miserable fucking body actually dies lol!! the only good things in my life are 3 friends who live thousands of miles away that ill probably never see, my dog who i dont get to see anymore unless i go 2 my moms house, and my family who i have to deal with my moms shitty fucking husband any time i want to see, and my boyfriend who never ever places me in an important position in his life and never makes time for me and won’t ever know me or be able to really love me bc im too fucking scared to show him how fucked up and pathetic i am!! lol!! all of this needs to go in my journal but my arthritis has been killing me for days bc this body is useless and im crying too hard to try and fuck with putting this in the tags and none of it matters bc theres only 3 ppl who care abt me and i dont know how the fuck to talk to them so they might as well not evn care lol!! this is the most suicidal ive been in years and i dont know what to do every time i think im getting better i get worse and nothing ever changes and when it does it isnt good enough for me!! like literally what is the fucking POINT of waiting for things to get better if every time they do i need them to be better still????? i dont even want that much but its still asking for too much lol!!

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[weeniewrites]

OKAY ONE LAST POST BECAUSE IM ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE AT NOT TALKING

its a more serious one though, so if you dont wanna see me be more personal go ahead and skip i dont mind. im gonna ramble abt the shame i feel with having sadistic thoughts and fears of sexual agency, and kinda, sex in general, maybe some self destructive behaviors? kinda honestly putting my soul out there. its a bit of a vent post. im not having a bad night or anything, just thinking a lot, and want to get those thoughts out of my head

i, really outta do some research on actual sadism or just, see other people who have similar thoughts cause ill admit i feel a lot of guilt about it. like id never, ever, EVER want to hurt another person, and the idea of even spanking someone consensually is very scary to me

but this isnt a new thing for me, some of the first things i found arousing as a kid involved pain. i was fascinated by inuyashas blood covered hands, and rewatched part of a youtube letsplay over and over and over again just to hear the noise link made when he got injured again. same with part of that animated 2ne1 music video where the villain grimaces when his car gets hit. these are really vivid memories for me so like, i know this isnt some suddenly new thing for me. (im also repulsed by gore but can also find it beautiful in art, and writing violent stuff is therapeutic for me but can be REALLY triggering if im reading it)

and i dont know if that sorta, anti kink purity culture thing the internets been moving towards has contributed? to that shame i feel, or if thats just my empathy acting up. because i really do care strongly for people, basically every person i ever meet. and i, sort? of understand the appeal of masochism myself, and i definitely understand the appeal of domming. but i dont understand how to control a scene, how to start up a scene, how to monitor the subs mental state, how to even take that control in the first place because even imagining doing that scares me so, so fucking badly

so i write noncon dom stuff, so i dont have to figure out how to get them there, or how to keep them safe, and i get to satisfy that deep hidden desire to scratch and claw and smile and laugh at someone shaking and crying in fear. or if its soft, just taking care of them and loving them and being loved and needed i can imagine companionship in the only way i understand how, through sex. ive had very few long lasting close friendships, ive never had a crush, and honestly im not, sure? i enjoy sex? like i like being touched but once i have to do it back i get really scared (unless we take things really slow, but im also very inexperienced). i just like being desired, or honestly getting touch of any kind and thats the only way i know how to ask for it

and i kinda, only realized that fear recently. i dont think i had it when i was 18 and I was just starting to interact with people online. but back then i wouldve never dreamed of flirting with anyone either. (had that fuckin trauma BOY HOWDY)

um, to bring this around to what brought these thoughts out, a while ago i was flirting with a friend, we just did that for fun absolutely no sexual or romantic intentions involved. and they told me about how sore they were and i responded back with a grin and giggle and a growl and a laugh and said all the different ways id love to bend and prod them to make it worse because, well, I’m a sadist. and they liked it. i got dizzy with how much i enjoyed that teasing. i literally started slurring my words and had to stop because i couldnt talk anymore, just drool and lay in a warm fuzzy heap of satisfied feelings.

and then afterwards we talked for a bit and as i calmed down and came back to myself i just, i felt like i was going to burst out of my skin, shakey and unsteady, head buzzing, nearly obsessive with the need to tell them i’d never hurt them and make sure i hadnt. so i told them. tried to keep control of myself but i cried. i was near fucking inconsolable. i was terrified i made them uncomfortable, went too far though everything was consensual and it was just flirting, not even explicit! teasing at the maximum! we’d said far spicier things before! they knew i’d never hurt them never want to hurt them never dream of hurting them. and i still cried. i felt wrong. i felt mean i felt horrible, and i’d enjoyed it

and im still a sadist, i find specific kinds of pain arousing, i dont like scarring or blood, preferring discomfort over all, and occasionally i write much much darker content that i dont find sexually appealing, but helps me get out my anger and other emotions i dont know how to process otherwise, and sometimes its just, fun? i know i dont want to hurt people, and i know these things are helpful for me, but i still feel shame

honestly a lot of the kinks or fetishes i used to like, im not sure if i do anymore, either because i just, dont, or ive realized theyre not as acceptable as i once thought, or theyre just not as common online anymore. and i dont feel comfortable sharing them, whether out of fear of rejection, or of making someone else uncomfortable. considering some of the stuff i enjoy imagining or writing i cant read myself. thats, kindof a weird contrast isnt it? (but that might also be because when i was younger, much younger, id read very dark fics, or angst, or look at gore, animal death, death and the nearly dying, as a form of self harm, purposefully seeking out what i knew would trigger me just to keep me dissociating for as long as possible so i wouldnt have to feel, and i’ll admit this is still a mild problem for me, but ive gotten leagues, leagues LEAGUES better. and i try very hard to heed warnings, because i know no one would want me to do that with their works)

cant i just have fun, do i have to have all these shames and memories to go along with this kind of stuff. whyd i find it when i was younger. why do i so closely associate porn and sex with pain when ive never really stopped consuming it. why cant i admit i just want to be held and told im important and enough instead of imagining getting dicked down by men who i both wouldnt be attracted to irl and be scared of

[whyldkratts]

for the ask meme: all of them, but if thats too much maybe just the last 10?

Sorry for the long post aaaa1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? [I bought lottery tickets bc I was in texas and they’re not legal where I live and the cashier at the gas station didn’t even ask for my id. I tried to show him and he just shook his head and let me go???? He didnt even care wtf]2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? [Nah]3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? [Yea a little bit. I mean if it was just occasionally that’s probably fine? But a lot of my family has fucked up their entire lives with drugs so anything like that is iffy for me. It depends on how often they smoke ultimately]4: Do you find it easy to trust others? [I’d say yeah, probably. As long as you don’t fuck me over or guilt me within the first few weeks of knowing me id probably feel comfortable messaging you if I needed someone to talk to]5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? [Scrolling Tumblr]6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? [Probably my irl bffs lindy and raven!]7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? [Dump them. Adios fucker. I hope they’re happy with whoever they cheated on me with]8: Are you close with your dad? [Yeah I’d say so? I love him and he usually let’s me do my thing]9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? [Nah]10: What are you listening to? [Run by hozier]11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? [Sweet tea!!!! I’m from the south baby]12: Do you like hickeys? [Never has one so I don’t know!]13: What time do you go to bed? [Uhhhhhh 5am?]14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? [My siblings.]15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? [Nope I fuck up spelling a lot and have to go back and fix it no matter how many hands I’m typing with]16: Do you always answer your texts? [I try!! Unless I’m emotionally tired or forget]17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? [No. She’s my best friend now, actually]18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? [LIKE 3 MINUTES AGO I was complaining about how long it car ride home is]19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? [My irlbest friends, the cars discord chat I’m in, and a lot of my wk friends]20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? [I was writing ducktales fanfiction in my head]21: Is anyone else in the room with you? [I’m in a car with my mom for the next uhhh 7 hours?]22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? [Karmas a bitch]23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? [I was visiting family in Indiana, so yea probably? Tho I am pretty happy now too]24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? [Sometimes, with my old pal cat. She did some bad things so I stopped talking to her, but sometimes I want to catch up and see how she’s doing.]25: In the past week, have you cried? [YEAH over a darkwing duck episode]26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? [Grey. It has Mickey mouse on it!]27: Do people ever call you by your last name? [Noooope]28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? [I wouldn’t know]29: Do you have a best friend? [YEAH everyone in the cars discord and raven and lindy]30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? [No it was my great grandma lol]31: Who was your last call/text message from? [Call: red cross asking for my blood. Text: raven saying “dang”]32: Are you mad at anyone? [Not really? I don’t get angry very easily at all]33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? [When I was a freshman I was dating a junior]34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? [My great grandma! 88 I think]35: How many more days until your birthday? [LIKE a whole entire year. August 2nd]36: Do you have any summer plans yet? [Help my friend after her spine surgery p much. Visit family around the 4th of july]37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? [I have tons of girl friends!! All my best friends are girls (except em but they’re a good friend still!!!)]38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? [Lindy doesn’t know I’m trans]39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? [Uhhhhhhhhhhh next question]40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? [I try not to regret things like that]41: Do you think age matters in relationships? [UH YEAH?? An adult dating a minor ain’t my deallll]42: Are you available? [Lmfao yeah but don’t hold your breath I’m awful at relationships]43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? [My ex and bff dksdkdiajsai kill Me. I’ve had small crushes but I don’t rly let them grow too much if I realize they’re poppin up]44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? [Septum]45: Do you believe exes can be friends? [Yeah!!!!! I just reconnected with my ex from freshmen year and he’s cool]46: Do you regret anything? [Times where my mouth moved before my head could think and I hurt someone I cared about. Times where I didn’t listen. Times where I hesitated. But the past is a different country, and I try not to waste the present lamenting what I could’ve done.]47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? [Home. And the mistakes I’ve made.]48: Did you ever lose a best friend? [Yeah. She moved away and we just… talked less, and less, and less.]49: Was your last kiss a mistake? [Nah it was my great grandma]50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? [They have a bf and also dont like me plus im unlovable and bad at relationships and feelings *shrug emoji* the other person I’m interested in lives too far away and also doesn’t like me like that]51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? [Twas my gg and probably when I was a baby]52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? [All these last kiss ones are so angsty and sad and it was literally my grandma 5 hours ago I’m laughing]53: What was the last thing you ate? [McDonald’s French fries!!!!!]54: Did you get any compliments today? [Nah I’m in my road trip attire so I look like a mess]55: Where are you going on your next vacation? [New Orleans in October for voodoo fest!! Gonna see the foo fighters B)]56: Do you own anything from other countries?[I think I have Canadian money somewhere…]57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?[girls!!]58: Where have you lived most of your life?[Sweet Home Alabama]59: When was the last time you took a long drive?[DOING IT RN!!!!! 13 HOURS]60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?[yea but it was like, mashed up with truth or dare. Instead of kissing we asked them truth or dare]61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?[nah I’m pretty mild]62: Who do you text the most?[raven probably? Or max]63: What was the last movie you saw?[spirited away I think??? First time I ever saw it]64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?[I’m single, don’t remind me :P]65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?[I was 12 and right smack dab in the middle of my ugly awkward phase (thays still going on today!) So I had none lmao]66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?[nah]67: Do you curse around your parents?[GOOD LORD NO]68: Are you happy with where you live?[I? Hate Alabama. My city is okay but I want to move somewhere nicer]69: Picture of yourself? [I have a selfie tag. I would upload but I’m lazy. Maybe if I find a pic I like later I will]70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?[polyamory All the wayy!!!!! But monogamy is cool too]71: Have you ever been dumped?[probably in elementary school but I don’t remember? I usually am the one to end it bc I get freaked out and skittish around people genuinely caring about me so I break it up before they’re disappointed]72: What do you most like about making out?[being comfortable and close enough with someone to do it.]73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?[yup!]74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?[depends? I’ve asked to kiss someone and I’ve been asked equal amounts.]75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?[eyes? Idk there’s a lot that goes into finding someone attractive it’s hard to narrow it down]76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?[my mom]77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?[virgin]78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?[virgin]79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?[Any cartoon character I’m currently hyperfixated on]80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?[yes. But i would go slow and I wouldn’t want to meet their child until we were both sure this was something we wanted long term.]81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?[no its usually me? Wait i take that back!! One girl did while I was in hs but I’m pretty sure she only did it bc she just figured out her sexuality and I was queer and there.]82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?[nope I bottle that shit up!!!! But if it’s a long standing crush I’ll tell a few people eventually]83: Do you miss your last sweetie?[No.]84: Last time you slow danced with someone?[my friend Franklin at prom. We pretended to be spies on a mission forced to act casual as we scoped out potential enemies]85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?[??? Don’t like the skeptical quote marks. I’ve been in long distance relationships before, yes.]86: How can I win your heart?[just like…… be nice to me, ever, and I’m into it. Talk about things you like, ask me about things I like, try and get into/understand my interests and I’ll do the same?? Don’t make fun of me and don’t belittle my interests. The bar is low]87: What is your astrological sign?[leo]88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?[sleeping]89: Do you cook?[pasta!!!!!!!]90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?[yeah!!! 3 years of no talking and I reconnected with max recently]91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?[uh it’s complicated. Yes but idk if I’m in a good place for a relationship. I haven’t even begun to transition at all.]92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?[you say that like I could get multiple people to date me]93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?[nice dress style?? Glasses are good too. Idk questions like this are hard augh]94: Name four things that you wish you had![money, a job, plush darkwing duck toy, a car]95: Are you a player?[no]96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?[nooooope]97: Are you a tease?[hahahahaha no]98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?[nope!!! Not yet]99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?[maybe. But I don’t think you can love someone too deeply who doesn’t love you back]100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?[sure, plenty]101: Hugs or Kisses?[both??? Both is good]102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?[It’s Not shyness, it’s rejection I have a problem with]103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?[girls are pretty]104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?[Yeah I guess]105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?[If it was an open relationship and everyone knew the situation, then yea prob?? If not, then no.]106: Do you flirt a lot?[not really]107: Your last kiss?[my grandmaaaaa]108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?[not in a romantic way]109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?[not in a romantic way]110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?[next question]111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?[nope!! It’s a hopefully nice surprise for future me]112: Does someone like you currently?[probably not lol but ive got no idea!!]113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?[sure]114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?[I want to fall in love.]115: Ever made out with just a friend?[yeah]116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?[in a relationship I think?]117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.[just send me an ask and ill answer it]

This got a bit of self hatred dashed in there whoops sorry!!!

[beefstew252]

i was tagged by @davidbowie69​ to do this time- consuming tageroony

(answer 92 questions and tag 20 ppl)

the last

1. drink: water cuz im basic

2. phone call: mi amiga ella

3. text message: “ehehhehehehehehhe with like a million laughy face emojis cuz im too awkward to live”

4. song you listened to: telephone line by ELO

5. time you cried: probs last night when i cried myself to sleep or yesterday when i watched life and was too scared so i leaked from my seeing crevices

have you

6. dated someone twice: never even been on a date whoops im a loooser

7. kissed someone and regretted it: lhehehehehe my mommy

8. been cheated on: friend wise- yes but not like in relationships lol im not kewl

9. lost someone special: mhmhmhmhm i move everyday and am unlovable soo not a good combo

10. been depressed: lol yup yup yup everyday but i cover it with smiley face stickers and sprinkles

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: mayyybbeeee when i accidently drank a bunk of mikes hard lemonade hehehhhhehehe

list 3 favorite colors

12. yellow

13. mintish green

14. sky blue

in the last year you have…

15. made new friends: @davidbowie69​ i love my mommm 

16. fallen out of love: nope im always in love with everyone ever

17. laughed until you cried: EVERYDAY im a giggly person tbh

18. found out someone was talking about you: not really but i constantly feel like my friends talk about how horrible i am sooooo same difference 

19. met someone who changed you: everyone i meet tbh <3333333

20. found out who your friends are: i think maybe if they actually love me as much as i love themmmmm <333

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: what even is face book tbh

generale

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: girl i dont understand this booking faceeeee

23. do you have any pets: my dear pet rock mildred and her associate mr pebbleton (but i wanna doggo so badddd)

24. do you want to change your name: nah m8 sofia is fineeee af i think

25. what did you do for your last birthday: 4 days agooo hmmm i slept in and had avocado toast like a true millennial and went to the grocery store with my mom lol and then went to my fav place in the world an art store then had cake and watched life which was horrifying twas pretty fun

26. what time did you wake up: 10ish but usually like afternoonish whoops

27. what were you doing last night at midnight: i was watching the OA which was actually amazin tbh

28. name something you can’t wait for: WINNING THE PRESIDENCY WITH MY VICE PRES KANYE IN 2020 HONESTLYYYY

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: just now when she told me to do the laundry

30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish i had stayed in one place and had real, true friendships

31. what are you listening to right now: build me up buttercup- the foundations

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: no not really???

33. something that is getting on your nerves: constantly thinkin im not good enough and some “people” i know heh

34. most visited website: tumblr, netflix and gmail tbh

lost questions. i just put in random info about me

wow op was a little bitch--- keepin this in thx ellie

35. moles: yes but theyre outside and probably have rabies and are blind af and no longer are in my backyard---- jkjk yea i do tho

36. marks: everywhere on my ugly af self

37. childhood dream: i wanted to be a squirrel when i grew up sooo

38. hair color: dark brown

39. long or short hair: short shoulder lengthish??

40. do you have a crush on someone: yeah everyone i meet ever 

41. what do you like about yourself: my curly af hair and strangely large energy reserves (gracias mitochondria)

42. piercings: ear piercins

43. blood type: idk man but i hope its the kind from that episode of doctor who with the aliens and they controlled u with blood or somethin and david tennant lost an arm it was wild

44. nickname: sofie, sofie dofie, didi, olaf, mr. f@#*ing compassion, slink, softpants once again, sof fresh, coneybear? leaf?, ronnie, macaronnie, charlie kelly tbh

45. relationship status: hahahahahahahahahahaha

46. zodiac: cancer, (yes i know im a crabb dont make funna me)

47. pronouns: she/her also ultimate supreme ruler of 7M tbh

48. favorite tv show: stranger things, its always sunny in philadelphia, parks and rec, the office, tbh the new show i just binged yesterday called the OA, friends, etcetcetc

49. tattoos: nope i have a very low pain tolerance

50. right or left hand: right im bland af

51. surgery: yea my poor eye lol ive had like 3 on that one alone whwhwhw

52. hair dyed different color: no id look like a uglier potato

53. sport: competitive cloud watching

54. *GASP* there is no spoon…there is no question 54…………………….  ………………………..hey remember those wayside school books because i sure do------ also keepin this im unoriginal and still dont understand tags lol

55. vacation: the moon

56. pair of trainers: white superstar adidas or grossly dirty “white” converse cuz im basic once again

plus generales

57. eating: i just ate strawberries and a grilled cheese sandwich sooo

58. drinking: w a t e r ---stay hydrated mis amigos

59. i’m about to: host the most lit party in the world tbh (mario kart and pizza binches)

60. *bo burnham voice in my head, for some reason* it’s not real. time is an illusion.------ im lazy do u see a trend????!?

61. waiting for: my next trip to the northeast cuz i miss it

62. want: a real friend tbh.        also *dr evil voice* 1 MILLion DOllaRs

63. get married: yup and i agree with the bae on “why couldn’t this have been question 64 because when i’m sixty four by the beatles is also the best song ever sooooo”

64. career: eww the future i h8 probs an astronaut so i can fly into the void

which is better

65. hugs or kisses: AWW ILL TAKE ANYTHIN

66. lips or eyes: eyes who even looks at lips eww theyre like chapped and stuff

67. shorter or taller: short lil bean or tall beans everyone is valid

68. older or younger: all the ages?

69. yOU hAVe GOt To bE KiDdINg ME wHY is 69 SKipPeD--- gracias por las cosas

70. nice arms or nice stomach: eww nice personality honestly

71. sensitive or loud: sensitive like me hehehehhee

72. hook up or relationship: relationshippppp<3 if any soul could stand me for longer than a day

73. troublemaker or hesitant: ??????? i like robbie rotton

have you ever…

don’t we need tequila  apple juice for this part

74. kissed a stranger: no but today i made a snarky comment quietly about a kid who was smoothie drinkin and bikin and we made solid eye contact for like 30 secs sooo same difference

75. drank hard liquor: i licked vodka once it was gross and i almost threw up

76. lost glasses/contact lenses: jason sat on and broke my glasses once so same thing

77. turned someone down: yeah the monster livin in my drawer tried to take me to the movies once and i was like BOI UR A MONSTER LIVIN IN MY ROOM COME ON

78. sex on the first date:   eWWWWWEWWewewewewwwwew

79. broken someone’s heart: hah no one has ever liked me in the history of the human race sooo

80. had your heart broken: everyday

81. been arrested: im what the police call “an angel”

82. cried when someone died: every time my fav character died or any other time im an emotional lil bean honestly

83. fallen for a friend: yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhehehehhehe

do you believe in…

84. yourself: eww no i suck

85. miracles: one time someone said i was pretty 

86. love at first sight: yes i’m certain that it happens all the time STEALIN IT ELLIE SOZ NOT SOZ

87. santa claus: yes yes yes 

88. kiss on the first date: mmmmmmmmmidkman

89. angels: me

other

man, op really ran outta ideas here

90. current best friend’s name: none of my “best friends” think im their best friend too soooo no im a lonely person but if i had to say somethin itd be russell crow(e?) as javert tbh

91. eye color: poop brown

92: favorite movie: all of them but also good will hunting, cinema paridiso, life is beautiful, dead poets society, breakfast club, 16 candles the list goes ONNNNN man

well, it’s been real

i tag vlad putin and jeff

[castaform]

okay tho so like before i sleep i kinda just wanna a do a week review because this week is setting itself up to be amazing but also horrid at the same time

like lets get the good out the ay, new pokemon cards on friday and theres a pokemon event my work is doing and im like HOT FUCKING GIDDYVRHECUFEBCWUAI FREE POKEMON SHIT VUIRNCEWOX and Im like so hype and then like fire emblem on thursday too and then theres the guy but tbh i dont wanna talk about him cause i know like ill fuck it up somehow so im trying to ignore it and focus on work.

but anyway work is getting ... tedious? boring idk like it dosent feel the same and maybe cause its dead 24/7 and I wish there was another person with me on my department cause its getting lonesome standing for 6 hours alone like itvrfibtvrf but also im livin in constant dread that guys gonna come back and if he does oh boy ill scream down the walkie talkie again, like i still cant believe he tried shit like that, and im still not over it. my boss knows sure but like when i gained a personal stalker they never told me sooooooooooooooooo

but like also idk latl im kinda like ‘kai you need british friends’ ause im pushing myself to heck rn and sometimes its for nothing like by god i went to bed at 5 last night honestly im savage to myself. its not like i dont have any we just dont talk and thats probs to do with the fact i find it hard to talk to people in general but idk itd be cool to have people to have a high chance of meeting one day. now that i have discord tho i guess thats better? btw i left skype so yeah dont bother messaging there whoops.

honestly tho rn theres a lot of dad stuff grinding at me and how my mums moved on clearly like tbh she didnt even write his bday on the calendar and i ended up doing shit with my sister cause tbh she gt really upset nothing was done. idk maybe it was like the general lonely feeling and then bing like ‘oh yeah no dad’ on top of it all idk but btufrned3odefrn

but i guess finally idk ive just been feeling invisible lately??? like idk its kinda like no one appreciates me????? idk, like irl ill talk but get talked over as if i wasnt even talking, or online too, heck sometimes i feel people are actively avoiding me and please just sa if im being annoying ill stop better for everyone but also nobody like tells me shit and idk i feel very, left out? like everyone can do fine without me and you can probably guess how thats making me feel. like idk i wish  a bit more often i got thought of first which is bad thinking because me doing nice things for people =/= getting nice things back i do them to make people happy and mmmaaayyyybbe i spend like too much on people but by god i enjoy seeing someones smile, id just hope someone enjoyed mine

anyway idk what spurred this on,ill probs delete it in the morning like yeah 

[bigbadconnivingbastard]

All of them :}}}}

WHY DO YOU HURT ME IN THIS WAY

Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

i dont know whether to get rid of certain people or not

Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

sometimes

If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

eh. id disapprove but i wouldnt go off the rails

Do you find it easy to trust others?

no LOL

What were you doing at 11PM last night?

playing stardew valley on the xbox, i got an iridium bar be proud of me

You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

I AM 13

What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

i just get really pissed and cut off the person

Are you close with your dad?

yea

I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

...no

What are you listening to?

You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

Do you like hickeys?

i wouldnt know

What time do you go to bed?

it varies

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

yeah😔

Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

no

Do you always answer your texts?

sometimes i get overwhelmed but yea i try

Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

iiiiiiiiii dont think so?

When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

todayayaya @quackbug

Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

@katmeeliaz no homo💖

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

...I DONT KNOW??

Is anyone else in the room with you?

im on my couch rn so yea my dad's in the living room

Do you believe what goes around comes around?

depends.

Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

no, i was pretty miserable

Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

yes, but i dont know if they would care if i tried

In the past week, have you cried?

ive come close, but no

What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

bl00

Do people ever call you by your last name?

never. HAHA

Is anyone ignoring you right now?

oh for sure </3

Do you have a best friend?

@quackbug heyyyyyyy

Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

i cant even remember the last person i kissed so @katmeeliaz 💋 and no

Who was your last call/text message from?

bug sent me this and they were also my last call

Are you mad at anyone?

multiple

Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yea

How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

rainy gon be 14 wooooooo

How many more days until your birthday?

273. LMAO

Do you have any summer plans yet?

yea im goin to hawaii bitch

Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

julian n russell

Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

😐

Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

i thought everyone did??

Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

yea

Do you think age matters in relationships?

depends on the mental age of both people, and whether or not its legal so i dont know

Are you available?

...i suppose? i dont know the context

How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

sits in middle school

If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

im a pussy i hate that stuff so i have no idea

Do you believe exes can be friends?

yea! although it depends on the terms you left on

Do you regret anything?

many things

Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

my dumbass read that and my mind went "DICK" so now i gotta say dick i hate it here

Did you ever lose a best friend?

mhm

Was your last kiss a mistake?

nop

Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

i dont have one thats why

Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

heard, yes

Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

yes

What was the last thing you ate?

dowitos

Did you get any compliments today?

got called creative,, so yea

Where are you going on your next vacation?

not sure, we'll see

Do you own anything from other countries?

yea i have some stuff from ireland, im in the us

Are most of your friend guys or girls?

gals

Where have you lived most of your life?

i aint ANSWERIN THAT SHIT CUZ I STILL LIVE THERE

When was the last time you took a long drive?

god knows how long ago sweats

Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

no and i dont think i ever will bc haha that shit scary

Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

ive watched and thought it was funny

Who do you text the most?

@katmeeliaz we have like 900 messages a day

What was the last movie you saw?

ffffffffuck uh I DONT REMEMBER OOPS

What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

my what now

How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

i was deadass 3 years old

Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

cuz of our birthdays yea

Do you curse around your parents?

yeah LMAO

Are you happy with where you live?

oh yeah for sure i love it here

Picture of yourself?

i dont think ive ever seriously taken a picture of myself so have my bird

Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

ive only been in one relationship so idk

Have you ever been dumped?

in a way

What do you most like about making out?

never kissed someone romantically irl before so shrug

Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

i personally think that shit's gross i would wanna save that for someone special :(

When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

iiiiiiiiiii do not remember

What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

idk i guess eyes? i like eyes in multiple contexts

Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

i believe it was bug i do not remember

Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

😐

Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

😐😐😐😐😐

What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face

im super weak to people telling me they look up to me n shit that makes my heart die

Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

what fuckin 13-15 year old am i gonna know who has a kid

Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

yes and my response was hazbin hotel memes, we still talk about it cuz it was funny

Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

i dont ever really have crushes like i rlly think i might be aromantic

Do you miss your last sweetie?

as a friend? yea. as a partner? nop

Last time you slow danced with someone?

in a past life i guess

Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

my friends' ocs yea

How can I win your heart?

i dont know myself well enough to say

What is your astrological sign?

fis- pisces

What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

still playin that stardew valley

Do you cook?

yea!

Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

yeah LOL it was like 9 months of no talking and we just saw each other like ":0000 BRO IS THAT YOU"

If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

no, i dont need one to be happy

Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

cant say

What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

nice hands,,,u gotta have nice hands so i can hold em

Name four things that you wish you had!

i cant name four, but

i want this. like pls. can i just have this on my desk or something i want it im begging

Are you a player?

no

Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

no?

Are you a tease?

yea :]] in a friendly way tho

Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

not yet but someday i will go to ihop with @quackbug and get cupcake pancakes

Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

yea! its a nice feeling

Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

@katmeeliaz platonically

Hugs or Kisses?

hugs..i havent been kissed enough to prefer em

Are you too shy to ask someone out?

i dont really ask people out anyways

The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

for some reason manly guys dont interest me i want a small sweetie that i can cuddl so i guess that i mean why u think he exist

Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

"bae/babe" makes me want to crumple into a ball so no

If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

no because if they're being unfaithful to their partner i doubt they're very smart

Do you flirt a lot?

in a jokin way yea

Your last kiss?

@katmeeliaz platonically

Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

no

Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

mhm

If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

shrug

Does someone like you currently?

maybe, i wouldnt know

Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

nah

Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

shrug again

Ever made out with just a friend?

virtually yeah but it was more of a joking thing HAHAH

Are you happier single or in a relationship?

a relationship is just a nice thing to add into your life, it wont bring you happiness, your life can be just as happy without someone if you live it correctly

[hardladybanana]

(ramble about my gf)

honestly, when i decided to be open to polyamory i never really expected it to become anything, i didnt have any crushes at the time, i never really crushed on people in general and i wasnt gonna start downloading apps and go dating people. i was pretty content with how things were and i just thought of poly more as a thing that i wouldnt be opposed to. its been a few years since then and it wasnt until this year that things kinda opened up for me, first things was kinda bad and i learned a bunch of things about myself and about relationships. then as i try to move on with my life i accidentally stumble onto one of the most amazing people ive ever met. on a site i rarely used, i befriended a person who was way cooler than me and i barely did anything. i retweeted something and i replied to some post and then she messaged me, without really knowing much about me and we started talking, first out of a few shared experiences i guess, and i thought that was kinda cool. but then we started talking more about music and i thought it was really cool someone who was, musically, way out of my league was willing to talk to me about stuff. after that, it’s a blur, but somehow we started talking about everything and anything and for hours and hours til 5 in the morning for days in a row. we’d known eachother only for weeks but it felt way longer than that, this october became the longest october of my life.  usually im oblivious to my own feelings, usually im oblivious and im self-sabotaging, i realize my feelings too late and i always try to convince myself nothings worth trying or that i should distance myself from people, if only subconsciously. but i think the events that transpired a bit earlier that year led me to overcome these flaws a bit. im no longer as depressed, or depressed at all maybe, so i didnt feel like sabotaging myself and i had recently learned to understand myself better and face what im feeling instead of burying my head in the ground. but dont get me wrong, as soon as i suspected i had feelings, i tried to bury myself, i thought she could never see me that way and that i was just excited over networking with a very cool person. but life comes at you fast and when she tweeted a picture of herself eating pez candies from a toad pez-dispenser and described it as “making out with toad” i was immediately hit by the silliest and most undeniable feeling of all time. i was fucking jealous of the pez dispenser. i mean, i didnt know how to proceed at first, i was just kinda stuck there trying not to be too in love for a while. but vaguetweeting from both sides eventually made things pretty darn clear. there was really no other explanation. when i knew for sure she liked me i knew how to proceed, we’d already talked about meeting up irl because we dont live thaaaaat far apart(ok we kinda do, but it couldve been way worse). my plan was pretty simple, we meet up and i “ask her out” irl once i know we work irl too(asking out, as in, asking if this is a date lol). but those plans were viciously pryed out of my hands when she instead decided to ask me about my feelings first. i didnt think she would and i accidentally ignored her first message, making her feel more awkward about the whole situation than she should have had to feel. but she resent the message and i saw it this time, i was very confused and all my words were vague which led to more questions from her, all of which, were pretty vague too. we pretty much concluded that there was “something” between us, the most vague and dumb way to say that we were in love ever lol. but i guess we were both too nervous to be proper about anything haha. so we decided that the logical thing to do was to go on a date as soon as possible, which we managed to find time to do pretty quickly(it requires more coordination than you think). because of distance i would have to sleep over, so it wouldve been extremely awkward if it didnt work out, we decide i can stay over there and entire weekend, three days. so that means that it really needs to work out or it would be veeery awkward.  i dont know how we were brave enough to decide 3 days when we were both nervous and anxious wrecks. but we seemed to have the exact same anxieties, fear that we were too ugly irl, fear that we would be hated by the other person for some reason, fear that we just wouldnt have any chemistry etc.  so we meet irl and its a bit awkward at first, starting conversations is always awkward y’know. we go to eat and it’s kinda awkward because were still nervous and stuff but i think i should give credit to my gf for steering the conversation towards musicmaking, a topic which we both enjoy and which got me rambling haha(which she apparently likes? she likes when i just talk passionately about stuff i like) then we go home to her place(to hang out for a few hours before we go bowling as the 2nd date activity of the day). we were just sitting on the couch and talking(awkwardly). i feel like were sitting too far apart and wanna close the distance, we manage to eventually kinda cuddle up. im leaning on her shoulder and just resting a bit(which is understandable, i had an unexplicable stomach ache) and suddenly she kisses me on the cheek, which was totally unexpected and i can barely register what is happening, but somehow i know what to do because i turn my head and we kiss. this is probably my favourite memory with her so far, it was both a completely natural turn of events but simultaneously just a blur because i was confused. i didnt see out first kiss happening like that, i wouldve rambled about how i was a bad and a sloppy kisser first before awkwardly engaging in a kiss, but this was somehow smooth as fuck.  it sounds dumb, but that day we really needed that kiss, it relieved aaaall tension and all previous awkward silence became just silence, pretty wonderful silence most of the time. we were still a bit nervous or whatever, this was all new, but at least we were a bit more secure now and knew how to move forward eventually. then, the rest of a weekend was a blast, we made out with ‘the room’ playing in the background, we established that we were officially girlfriends, we said ‘i love you’ and lots of stuff. it was great. of course, the last day wasnt that great, knowing that not only did none of our fears turn out to be true, but that she was instead better than id ever thought before(and trust me, i really liked her before, i was almost about to write the first “i love you” before we even met). before we met irl she had already become a part of my daily life and it would be hard to imagine not chatting with her daily, but now after meeting irl we realized the standards had been raised again, how could we leave eachother? we needed to be together daily too. since then only a short period of time passes(that feels like forever) before we manage to find three new days to hang out during and we have a great time again, but this time she has to leave me instead of vice versa. i wish there was the possibility of hanging out for like a week or something, or just four days at least.  shes absolutely wonderful and i love her, i dont want to be annoying but i decided to write all of this down anyways. tumblr is just kinda my shitpost diary anyways, who cares whats on it. i just needed to write it all down in a somewhat good order and include some of the important events. because a thing weve mentioned a “few” times by now is that we have no idea how we happened, how we got to know eachother, that we both fell for eachother, that it worked out or that it worked out so fucking well as it did. its just unimaginable to me that i would just be doing nothing and a small gust of wind blows my way and turns my life upside down. the future looks very different from what it did in september and i didnt even do that much, life happened to me without me planning it and im constantly confused but very very happy.