#i hurt myself writting this wtf-

[doodle-do-wop]

GG PROMPTOBER : HALLOWEEN SLEEPOVER

Not very Halloween-y but does involve a sleep over

Takes place not long after Gallagher(how on earth Tina managed to get all the girls to come over so a sleepover I have no idea)

TW: fire, panic attack, nightmares, all hurt no comfort, jk a little comfort, thoughts of failure, no i’m not sorry

There was a fire. There was the sound of crumbling and splintering wood. The smell of smoke and the screams of orders and names echoing throughout the falling walls of her mind. Tina felt the smoke fill her lungs, she kept inhaling and inhaling, she couldn't let go. Couldn't breath out. She felt the waste fill her, attacking every blood cell, every limb, infestation crawling up her bones and lacing themselves into her very soul like a smoking splash of ink across a painting Tina had yet to discover nor finish. 

Her hands were trembling as she heard the laughter of little girls and the screams of her sisters pounding into her ears, dumbing the walls of her skull as they rattled around. She wasn't strong enough, wasn't quick enough, she had to pull, to push through, she had to succeed. She couldn't fail again. 

She had failed

She failed

She failed she failed

Shefailed shefailed shefailed

Shefauledshefailedshefailefshefailedshefailed

How could she fail her

She lost her 

She couldn't find her

She wasn't strong enough

Wood bit into her flesh and scraped at her nerves and muscles until it tore at her bones, her nails were broken and some fell away as she pushed and pulled with all her might. Her finger was definitely broken and the pain only reminded her with each pulsing throb. 

Shefailedshefailedshefailedshefailed

She couldn't breathe

She needed to breathe

She needed to be stronger, be better, faster, she had to be better

Tina felt the scream that left her lips as she pulled and sobbed but no air left her ballooning lungs. She was drowning on land and she was failing her sister. Tina wanted to fall apart like the walls around her. She wanted to crumble and fall upon the sacred land of her sisterhood, she wanted to cry and let it consume her and her guilt so she could finally have the weight lifted off her shoulders.

But she knew it would never free her. She had to be reminded just as the stones and pillars crashed down like a fighting percussion in her mind. She had to remember her failures and live with their guilt and moans for the rest of her life. She had to remember the gaunt look of her sister's face, the lost look in her eyes. She had to remember that. She had to remember that she hadn't been fast enough, she hadn't been smart enough to find her. 

Her maps, her strength, her charts and sources, her waning muscles and locked fingers, she wasn't enough. 

Tina screamed and pushed through because she always did. She stood her ground even when the earth told her to fall because she had to. She needed to. They needed her standing and tired or not Tina would have to stay standing. She pulled with the last of her soul and she was washed away by the relief that flooded through her when she watched the black haired blur flee and fly away and when she knew the ceiling collapsed above her, she screamed and waited for the foretold collision. 

She screamed awake as the air finally left her lungs and she felt hands grab her, holding her down and away from the burning building and her trapped sister. The walls were a pitch black, sturdy and unburnt but they would forever be smoking in her mind, her sister would always be trapped inside because she had failed her. 

"Tina!" A breathless voice shouted beside her and Tina turned to look at Eva. Her sleepless eyes were waterfalls of tears and they stared at her, wide and frightened. Her black curly hair was plastered against her forehead with sweat and Tina's shaking hand reached and held hers. 

They shifted so they were on their knees, sitting as they held each other and Tina felt the girl sob into her shoulder as another strong pair of arms wrapped around her and wept. Courtney never did like to be seen crying so she hid her face in the stretched fabric of Tina's shirt, burying their face in her back as her sobs filled the room, their hiccups and blubbering seemed so many miles away as Tina's ears tried to find familiarity. Find the ground she sat on so she could be brought back. 

A hand touched her shoulder and Tina turned to face Bex, beautiful, strong Bex who searched Tina's eyes and found where she was still lost inside of. Still trapped in the fire and she guided Tina, took deep breaths with her. 

Tina closed her eyes and winced when she saw the echos of the room flash and mesh with the fire. She shook her head and opened her eyes, looking hopelessly at Bex who held her other hand and gripped it as gently as she could as her lip trembled. 

Courtney coughed as her breath stuttered and failed to catch-up with them. Tina flinched and then a hand joined her's and Bex's. Tina looked into the piercing blue eyes of Macey McHenry. Her eyes were like the electric blue of daytime and Tina tried to focus, shaking her head as she tried to remove the invisible cotton that filled her ears. 

"...you….me…"

"Tina….are….with…"

Tina took a deep breath and blinked away the oranges and reds that filled her darkness. 

"Tina," came Macey's soft low voice in her ears. "Are you with me? Can you hear me?" 

Never in her life had Tina ever imagined that she would ever know Macey McHenry like this. That the delinquent wayward daughter of the Senator of Virginia would look at her with the worry and care of a friend. 

Tina took a breath and let out the smoke that would stay with her just like her guilt. She nodded and focused on Macey's voice. 

"I'm here." Tina told her and Macey nodded and gave her hand a squeeze.

"I'm here." She said but it wasn't an echo of Tina's words, they were her own as she spoke them. Tina nodded and took another deep breath but it shuttered through her, slamming against the walls of her skin and she felt her chest crash and cave in. 

She felt guilty as her hand gripped and crushed Bex's fingers but if Bex had any complaints, she kept them to herself. 

Tina winced and scolded herself, it was just breathing. How hard could it be? Why was she struggling? It should be easy. She was failing, she was failing she was-

She felt Eva squeeze her hand and Tina turned to her, desperate to help her in any way possible. To make use of herself at last. 

Eva's eyes were filled with tears still and they stained her cheeks. 

"Tina," she whispered and Tina nodded. She had to focus. She had to stay here. She had to stay standing. She had to keep standing. 

Tina looked around, counting what she could see. One slipper, two pillows, four blankets- shit

She took a deep breath and tried again. 

One slipper, two pillows, three sleeping bags, four blankets, five pairs of eyes staring back at her. 

Tina turned and locked eyes with Cammie Morgan. She focused on her, the slight waves of her blonde hair, the whites of her eyes. Her brown iris looked so dark in the low light of the room and Tina had to tear her eyes away so the phantom of the girl from summer wouldn't haunt her in person much longer. 

"Tina," Macey's voice was so velvety and smooth that Tina wondered how a voice could sound the way she did. 

Tina looked at her and Macey gave her hand another squeeze and Tina shut her eyes.

Focus. Focus. 

She took a deep breath and felt the whole room take it with her. She felt Courtney behind her grip her shirt just a little fighter. She felt Eva squeeze her hand. She felt Bex's thumb run over her knuckles in a soothing circle. 

She reminded herself that the only thing that was trembling were she and her friends. The warmth surrounding her was not a fire but the arms of her sisters. The tightness holding her together was not the smoke of the failures of her past but the love of her sisterhood. 

Tina opened her eyes and looked at Macey McHenry and she saw the small smile that turned the corners of her lips upward. 

"I'm here." She promised the room of girls around her and she felt their relief wash over her like a blanket of security. They were all here, they were all still alive. Their hearts still beat within their chests. 

When the rest of the girls fell asleep Tina stayed awake, watching over them one by one. She saw how Bex and Liz held hands under the darkness of night, noted how Macey and Cammie held the other two close by. How Kim Lee and Anna Fetterman clung to each other, their cheeks still stained with tears, Mick holding onto them both for dear life. 

Eva and Courtney beside her held onto her, kept her whole. Back when they had first held each other at night it was over a nightmare Courtney had over the previous day's events. They had laughed about it, their childish giggles and snorts had filled their dark room, they had fallen asleep in each other's arms. 

Tina had felt so silly then, having never had a friend stay with her before, never had friends hold her hand, never had sisters to share a home with. She felt like the child she was, sleeping so soundly at last with her family in her arms. 

Now here she was, years older and still in the comforting arms of her sisters. They weren't blood, they weren't even remotely related in any way. Tina's parents only knew their names by the ink of her letters(and the nosey snooping of her mother). Her grandmother had only met Eva but once in all their years when she had personality picked Tina up the summer after her junior year. 

Tina sniffled and wished her hands were free so she could wipe away the burning tears but she would never dare pull away from Eva and Courtney. Never again. 

She heard movement, she saw as Eva raised her hand and wiped at her cheek, nearly stabbing her eye out with her nail. 

She looked over at her and Eva's eyes were slightly cracked open. 

"I'm here," she croaked. 

Tina felt Courtney squeeze her tighter and she looked between her girls and held them close. 

They didn't need to say 'i love you'. They didn't need words, they were far past them now. Spy or not, they could speak into each other's souls, untangle the unspoken words in the air and hear them in their hearts. 

She could feel Courtney's silent worry, she understood their need to cling to Tina's clothes like a lifeline. 

Eva took a deep breath and her fingers mindlessly wandered to her wrist, she needed to feel Tina's pulse. Make sure she was there and Tina began to giggle. 

She felt their worried stares as she tried to hide her laughter from the other sleeping girls. 

She glanced at them and saw Courtney's dimples through the blanket of night. Eva grinned like a madman with a plan and Tina felt herself smiling too. 

Tina felt them shake with her as they laughed softly and it echoed through their time together, shining over the scolding words of the hospital staff when they had caught the three of them in Tina's bed, brighter than the sun that hit them at the dawn of each sleepover. 

Their laughter hit the end of their past and rushed, full force into their future. Their laughter would grace the grounds of the Gallagher Academy for years to come, joining in the harmony of their future sisters generation after generation. Courtney Bauer, Tina Walters, and Eva Alvarez, sister and friends past the end. 

[ficsforeren]

KANA MY FUCKING GOD FUCK I JUST FINISH BOTH CHAPTERS

first of all chapter 15 amazingggggg fuck yeah to porco!!!!!

the porco and pieck part yes, i super enjoy it and then i like what happend between eren and armin. i feel like i have a lot more to say about that BUT I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THE CHAP 16 SO YEAH like my mind is there AND I WANNA CRY RIGHT NOW WHILE WRITTING THIS JAJAJAJAJAJJAJAA

The part of the concert??? i have to stop bcs of the feelings, like i was tearing up but i didnt want to cry cry so yeah i have to take breaks HAHAHAHAHAH THE POWER everything is amazing

i cant bro, i dont want this masterpiece to be over AJAJAJ god kana you are the best of the best. This 2021 was your year, what an amazing job with EVERYSINGLE FUCKING STORY the haechan ones, this ones god i love you. fav writer for 2021 im go happy i found you. This story is fucking art and its lit a book, you wrote a fucking book JAJAJAJA

finishing reading this feels like when you finish watching your fave show and you are empty like what the fuck do i do now? JAJAJJAA

and now the important part wtf with the A/N JAJAJAJAJAJA kana why! eren fucking dies on a car accident while going home and the main is going to read the book she wrote for eren to little eren i will kill myself. Like eren will never know he was becoming a dad? IM CRYING AGAIN BRO JAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

but im going to read it anyway bcs even tho i want a happy ending, the most happy one is the one that makes you happy and that makes me happy, i used the word happy to many times, its 1am idk english anymore. Im super excites about it and of course your future ones!!!!

totally filling the form. i love you. YO FIRST FAN FIC i read ABOUT A NON REAL PERSON JAJAJ

SKLDFJLASKDFASLDJFLAKSJDF CAMIIIII I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO WRITE A LONG MESSAGE FOR ME AAAHHHH I'M SO HAPPYYYYY

oh my god oh my god oh my god thank you SO MUCH for the kind words, baby, you're gonna make me cry so hard 😭😭😭😭😭

FAV WRITER OF 2021 KDFJKALSJDFLKASJDF HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT LAKDSFLKSD

i'm so happy i found you too, camiiii honestly i feel like i've been blessed with a lot of wonderful readers and you are definitely one of the loveliest, sweetest, CUTEST readers i've ever had. thank you so much for existing. you, my love, are a blessing!

i promise i won't hurt you too much with the epilogue 😉

[tales-of-a-single-mom]

Hey everyone !

Soooo... Long time no see... 

Olivia and I are doing alright, we didn’t get sick, but it was quite a scare. Thankfully, no one in our family got infected. We’re still careful but we finally got to see our family. 

As for me, work is kind of a shitshow, I’m getting real tired of it. I have a 2 weeks vacation in the begining of august. I can’t wait ! 

Also, I’ve decided to try dating again. I’ve been talking with this gorgeous woman, and I can not believe how much I think about her. Everytime my phone vibrates my heart skiped a beat. I loved our conversations. 

We disagreed on something, and she stopped writting back. And it hurts more than I care to admit. I’ve never felt like this before. How can she mean so much to me in so little time ? How can she occupy all my thoughts without even having met her ??? As far as I can remember, I have NEVER cried over a relationship. Usually, I’m relived for it to be over. But not this time. 

This time, I want to beg her to write back. I want to beg her to talk to me again. 

And I don’t beg. Ever. I am proud person. You don’t want to be with me ? Fine. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me. But not this time. I hate myself for feeling this way. Why did I get so attached ? WTF ?? Why do I even care ??? It was supposed to be fun. 

And yet, I hurt. I hope it stops hurting soon. Because I don’t feel like doing anything... I keep checking my phone, my emails... It’s been 4 days. 

FUCK. I can’t believe I fell so hard for someone on the internet. I hate myself and my dumb hormones. It hurts so bad...

I know I deserve better. I know I deserve someone who’ll respect me, who’ll care for me. I know that if someone makes you hurt that bad, that person is not good for you. But still, I want her... If she suddendly wrote back, I’d cry of hapiness. 

I’m so dumb. I’m so stupid. I hate myself, and I hate her for doing this to me. I hate her for making me feel this way about myself.

But still I’ll take her back in a heartbeat. 

[conqueringthespace]

So, I wrote a thing about Skye, while I should be writting about Shia... yey. It relates what happens in ME2 before Horizon, and I’ll probably continue it, since I liked writting from Skye’s perspective, she sounds different to Shia to me and it was nice :D Edit: alright, I posted it on AO3 as well :)

From: Shepard, Skye To: Alenko, Kaidan

KAIDAN! OMG, K! I'm alive! Like... I'm ALIVE?!? I'm... shit, I dunno, I woke up, everything hurt, had to destroy some mecs (why it doesn't surprise me), and I found Joker!! Well, he found me? And... yesterday apparently was two years ago? TWO YEARS, KAIDAN. Did I say I found Joker? Well we have the Normandy back? And he says “fuck you” btw... what happened? Crap I can't think straight, please contact me, I need to talk to you.

From: Shepard, Skye To: Alenko, Kaidan [File attached]

Hey, didn't get an answer, which, well, makes sense. Here, I'm sending you a picture to proove it's really me and not a scam!... oh, don't worry about the scars, Karin (yeah, doctor Chakwas is in the Normandy too!) says they will fade with time. And they don't hurt as much as when I woke up, yay. I guess I need to explain myself better. Apparently I didn't die, but I almost did? Crap I spent two years in a comma while they worked on me. Oh, they are Cerberus. Hold your horses, K. I'm not with them, they can go fuck themselves anytime. I don't know why they could spent time and money bringing me back, but... I'm here. And something is attacking human colonies all over the Terminus System. I checked the extranet and the Council and the Alliance are doing nothing? WTF, K? Their leader (he calls himself “The Illusive Man”, for fuck's sake) wants me to prepare a team and go investigate.

Fuck it, I'm going first to the Citadel, I need to know what happened to you all. Hopefully I can talk with Anderson or Hackett. Please, answer back? Miss you, Skye.

From: Shepard, Skye To: Alenko, Kaidan

Well, now I know why you didn't answer at least. I'm oficially alive again, if that matters. A C-Sec officer helped me with the papers. Anderson is fine too, tired of the burocratic crap and dealing with Udina, but at least he was happy to see I was alive.

The Alliance is another deal, tho. They won't reinstate my position because “I'm under the influence of a suspicious organization”. And the Council... I had to restrain myself, K, they are still so full of themselves, they will explode with their giantic ego. They are not, and will not, do nothing to help the human colonies. They we “considerate” enough to give me my Spectre status, so I can at least do SOMETHING on my own. Anderson couldn't tell me where or what you are doing, and I get that. I just hope that you could answer the messages from your personal account, I miss you so much, K.

I'm going to Omega, according to the not-suspicious leader of the not-suspicious organization that brought me back, I could find three people there to help me. We will see. Joker wishes you run out of hairgel. He stopped cursing EDI's presence to tell you that (did I tell you we have now an AI in the Normandy?). Karin says hello, and take care of your migraines.

I'm... fine, I think. I'm focusing on the job, try not to think too much about the two years I have lost. Shit, K, I'm so tempted to hack the Alliance's servers to find where did they send you, but I'm sure that could bite me in the ass later. Spoke to my mom too. Crap, we cried like babies, can you imagine? She thought her daughter was dead for two years. And you too thought that. Shit, I'm so sorry, Kaidan. Please, write me back? I miss you.

From: Shepard, Skye To: Alenko, Kaidan You won't believe who I found! GARRUS! He was one of my contacts, but he was under a fake name. Omg I was so happy to see his ugly face. He shoot me at first, I shoot back, but no damage was done. At least by me... he stopped a rocket with his face. Karin did all she could, he is alive, but got some scars. He could get them treated, but refused. Fucking turians. The Cerberus crew is not that bad, Miranda (she was in charge of bringing me back among the almost-dead (does it make me a zombie? I could totally eat you ;) )) is a Sentinel like you, reserved but follows my orders decently. Still Cerberus though, so having Garrus watching my back is a relieve.

Added a salarian to the team too. Ex-STG, he has ants in his pants, can't stay still for a second, but knows how to handle a weapon, will come in handy I'm sure. And a mercenary. Sharp and grumpy, but hey, a strong soldier to shoot at things. Omega was... interesting. Nice pubs though, we should go there together, get some drinks, maybe dance... Or I could watch you dance, I remember some of your moves, you know how to move, K. Crap, I might be a bit horny. I blame you and your nice butt. And your hands.

Shit, write me back, Kaidan. Or call me, idk. I get that you are mad because I died, but stop ignoring me. I keep getting these “received” notes on the messages, but not an actual answer.

Joker hopes your maple syrup goes sour, btw! Seriously, what happened between you two?

Ugh, still miss you, asshole. Be careful with whatever you are doing.

From: Shepard, Skye To: Alenko, Kaidan

Uhm... if you check the extranet and read the news about someone blowing up a turian prison... it was me? Oops.

I KNOW, it sounds bad, BUT I had my reasons. One of the teammates I needed was there. No, it was not a guard, it was an inmate. I know it still sounds BAD, but let me finish. She is a biotic. A STRONG biotic, K, you could not imagine. I mean, she was not imprisoned by mistake, she has done some shitty things, but... crap, yeah, I might have no excuse to free her, other than I need a strong team to defeat the Collectors.

Yeah, they exist, and they are the ones attacking human colonies. The illusive asshole has been informing me, and even if I take whatever intel he gives me very carefully, I can't stay still while our people is being attacked. And besides, the prison? It was not as good as it sounds. They mistreated the inmates, and the fucker who was in charge blackmailed colonies to pay him to keep people inside. AND, he attacked me, it seems there is some people willing to pay for capturing me? Yeah, they can try again if they want. Garrus and I had fun making things explode, the mecs they had made some big kabooms. And I have the biotic with me.

She is a bit odd. And dangerous, but after talking with her she agreed to work with me. Her name is Jack, and shit, she is covered in tattoos. And scars. And did I say tattoos? Maybe I'll get some. I always thought about it but was scared to, but being gone for two years makes you rethink about stuff, you know? Remember the “the crew is not that bad”? Forget it. Jacob is an asshole. Cerberus too, ex-Alliance, knows-it-all. Ugh.

Oh, Joker wants me to tell you that hopefully you won't find your favourite beer in the Citadel anymore. Ouch, that must sting, babe!

Seriously, ANSWER ME. And take care of yourself, yes?

From: Shepard, Skye To: Alenko, Kaidan [files attached]

I have recruited a new member! Apparently she is a famous thief (I never heard of her, but maybe that means she is good in her job, right?)

Anyway, I helped her recover a box that was stolen from her, and we had to infiltrate a fancy party to do so. Long story short, we succeeded, the bad guy is a goner, and... have you seen the cute dress I got? I was a bit unsure about showing so much my arms since I'm a bit bulky, but I think I look nice! I'm definitely keeping it, maybe we can go on a date and I can use it ;) I'm going back to the Citadel, last time I heard there are a couple of stores that have miniatures of ships and I need to see that with me eyes.

Joker says hi. (ok, no, but trust me, you don't want to read what he told me to tell you). Be careful!

From: Shepard, Skye To: Alenko, Kaidan

Hey, K. I went to Alchera, found the old Normandy. Anderson contacted me when I was in the Citadel and asked me if I could recover the dog-tags of our crew. It was hard. Seeing it with my eyes, the broken pieces of our ship spread all over... At least those families can have those mementos back.

Shit, could you answer me back? Or call me? I'd really hear your voice right now.

Jack has come up to my cabin with some whiskey. She says she doesn't want to see my fucking sadface close to her. Cheers, K, and to the fallen too. Miss you.

From: Shepard, Skye To: Alenko, Kaidan

You, K, yo ur an ASSHOL. I hatw u so MCH, wht don u cal mw bak?? caaall meeee

From: Shepard, Skye To: Alenko, Kaidan

hehehe I jst rememembd hat timew wit.... hahahhahha, ye, tht thinnng, you remmemembr? Sooo goooodddd

From: Shepard, Skye To: Alenko, Kaidan

[files attached]

From: Shepard, Skye To: Alenko, Kaidan

pffff asssho  oooool, u misssssingi tttt

tttt

From: Shepard, Skye To: Alenko, Kaidan

Dear god why there is no UNSEND button??? please, delete those messages. And the pics.

Especially the pics, oh god.....

Ooogghh my head, fucking Jack. I won't drink ever again, I need to see Karin, my brain is about to leave my skull with so much pounding.

Ugh, my stomach....

From: Shepard, Skye To: Alenko, Kaidan [files attached]

So, how do you feel about adopting a krogan? Because I kinda adopted one, SURPRISE! His name is Grunt, and is sooo cute! I'm sending some pics. He loves destroying things and headbutting people. And drinking Ryncol. Fortunately he has claimed a space down in Engineering as his room, so the rest of the crew doesn't have to smell that nasty liquor.. I found him in a capsule, and of course I had to open it. I couldn't let him inside!

Anyway, we are heading to Illium. Full of asari, and there is an information broker that could help me.

Sorry, I'm half asleep here, so this message will be short. Fighting krogan and adopting krogan can be exhausting. Miss you <3

From: Shepard, Skye To: Alenko, Kaidan

Well, when I thought things couldn's surprise me anymore... do you know who the broker was? LIARA!! Our Liara. We might or might have not cried together, it was so nice seeing her again.

Spent a while talking, though she seemed different. She is no longer the sweet an chatty asari we knew, she is sharper and tougher now, and that makes me sad. I think she is under some sort of vigilance, and that she knows, because she couldn't let me ask anything personal. I'll wait for her to contact me, won't risk her well-being with my nosiness.

Illium is beautiful, K. I'll bring you here to spend time together. That is if you decide to answer me back some day.

Took Garrus and Jack with me, I think she is opening to me a bit, and those two like to sass the hell out of the other. Bought her some clothes too, she still had her inmate uniform. The leather jacket full of spikes and the tank top with a printed skull I found for her changed her “I won't dress myself with your fucking fancy armor, Shepard”. At least she won't go around half naked now. Still not a decent protection, but step by step!

It was nice having a rest in a place like this. Tomorrow we are heading to Horizon, the Fantastic Man thinks the colony there going silent is because of a Collector attack, but according to the extranet it's protected by the Alliance. There is nothing on the news, so we will see. Mordin (the salarian doctor I told you about) has developed some kind of shield to protect us from the small insects they have.

Today's message from Joker is, “I hope you run out of canadian bacon”. Damn, that's harsh. And now I crave some bacon myself, I blame you both.

I'll let you know what we find about Horizon, if it's the Collectors I'll let the Alliance know immediately.

Miss you, K.

[w0lfh00d]

SO uhm this is gonna be pretty pathetic and sad, but im not feeling good and well the only people that cares about what i say and takes is seriously are you, so sorry for this, but i don’t want to cry and venting helps

I have problems with nightmares, but this isn’t new. Since i was a wee kid, I’ve always had troubles with nightmares and dreams, and they get me emotional, and some of them become true and some don’t and it gets me to the point im on constant edge about it after i have one of those? Like i don’t know what to do about them but they gut me, and there’s no help available. 

I mean my own family never takes my depression seriously, they joke about it, tell me im just faking it, or do nothing more than tell me i should know how to deal with it because it’s my own problem

And well i walked myself to the psyquiatrist once, but in some point i stopped going because i felt like she wasn’t taking me seriously, she never put a name on what i have, she never suggested more than the typical things i have tried all my life doing in vain because i still feel like death would me amazing and the best that could happen to me

But also, i’m alive right now out of spite, but when you feel like i feel all the time, it gets tiring, and i knew since i was little that one dayi would be not enough to keep me alive because wheny ou feel like dying every day, there’s a point where is normal but it also keeps being exhausting.

Listen im not trying to blame my family, they are good providers, but they lack an enourmous amount of empathy or desire to help. Or at least me, because they all help each other and im here dying inside but hey...you can’t win all he time i mean, i’m low middle class, i’m pursuing a degree, i have always been lonely, the only person that really cared physically and emotionally about me passed when i was ten or eleven, and it’s being tougt, still living without her support because there is nothing i want to do more than die and be with that person, in whatever happens after you kick the bucket. And that isn’t normal.

Because all the people i encounter in real life can go on, despite being literally on the ground. They have that fire inside or at least motivation or something that makes them go on, and at this point i’m completly burnet out. I have no more spite to carry me on, so i don’t know how to solve my shit and keep going because im shitty, i became so fucking empty, i’m so hurt, so tired of trying and trying again.

Im kinda exhausted, and no one notices how it guts be, to be alive. But if i die, the same stuff is gonna happen to my brother, and im his emotional support. I don’t want to leave him but at the same time, what can i do to keep me alive?

And this also has well a lot to do with things i had too, relationships, friendships, and things that also left me out of will of living. Because a trait i have it’s to want to help, to try an help people because i don’t want them to feel like i feel. Because i want to do good, to offer a hand where there is none.

I feel like a failure, because it’s been 3 years and i have to finish my thesis, i HAVE TO, i have no more time than this whole years and i used to be so swift i could finish three assignaments in a day, with no sleep. I was at least motivated by my careerand desire to grow but all that vanished, i was left with nothing more than myself.

And dunno, it helps me, at least writting what i feel. 

I’m trapped in a place where i can’t kill myself because i have some sort of pain phobia because im a really sick indiviual and al that time in hospitals since i was a kid left me really scared of feeling any pain, i have problems going on (i’m stiff as a rock), i have a constant fear of fucking up, im fuckin up right now and well it’s shitty as fuck, sometimes i get my hands all tingly, my chest all squashed and heavy, i can hear my breathing on my ears, and i will myself to not cry out or cry at all, but then my hands ache so bad. I don’t know if I qualify for any mental desorder but this shIT ISNT NORMAL WTF. I’ve been feeling like this since i was a child and it only got wORSE.

So idk, im just here for the moment, im writting this because i had one of my dreams/nightmares, it was my mom talking me down for not being able to finish my thesis, only to wake up, have breakfast and be with my mom, who then proceeded to put me down because my thesis isn’t done.

I feel really hopeless. 

[doodle-do-wop]

TW: t*rture

*o

I warned you

Yall ever wonder if when the circle got to Catherine they tortured her for a while as some twisted initiation or sm, like a trail, and after they came to check on her after a while she crack and burst out laughing wildly in their faces, tears running down her cheeks as she told them they were idiots and that they were going to gain nothing because nobody was going to come save her