#i just didnt have access to it the way i did the anime

[deevotee]

14 year old me 🤝 grown ass adult me

being obsessed with a bratty lord and his gay gardener

[lunar-serpentinite]

assorted hjp headcanons

he takes to guitars like a bird to the sky. acoustic, bass, electric, you name it, he'd slay it

he eventually finds a way to force kreacher into retirement, but still lets the house elf have absolutely free reign in the former bedrooms of his beloved departed masters

harry has this habit of just picking up all the even mildly pathetic/helpless strays he finds on the streets and ends up raising them. 12 grimmauld place looks a lot like a menagerie now, and he kinda likes it

he went to luna for help on how to take care of his newfound animal roommates and thats how he befriended luna's then-penpal-turned-bf rolf scamander

eventually he moves to a quaint little cottage right outside of godrics hollow to be closer to his parents' final resting place. it's heavily warded, fidelius'd, and nobody except for ron, hermione and luna know the address

he never really did like living in a gated community / suburban neighbourhood, it reminded him too much of privet drive

the first time someone mocked him by calling him freak, harry blacked out a bit and the next thing he knew he was standing over a decently beat-up person

creatures associated w death like corvids, moths and the like are weirdly attracted to him. hell, he even found a whole vulture in his backyard once

harry is pretty apathetic about the notion of his own death post-battle of hogwarts. he told luna once that it felt like he was just idly waiting by for death to come by again

differences aside, he and pansy (my characterisation of her anyways) wld bond over being nosy, gossipy little shits

he would've said yes if cedric and cho invited him into their relationship lmao

i dont think hes necessarily a naturally jealous/possessive person. he just doesn't know how to properly have a grip on himself if the few scant ppl and stuff that he considers his are in danger of being taken away from him, born from trauma from the dursleys ofc. make him feel secure enough and he'd be chill

hes kinda shit at potions especially without proper instructions and motivation because he learned how to cook first, and potions deals w exact measurements while cooking is just measure based on vibes

he would make an excellent beekeeper. idk but he just gives me that vibe

harry's vibe checks are rarely wrong but he doesn't say anything abt em anymore bc hes used to ppl automatically assuming that hes a liar

"harry, why didnt u tell us" "you didnt ask. and if u did ask, youd probably assume im lying"

hes a bit of a hoarder lmao he has a small room in his new cottage thats just filled w his trinkets

he has absolutely no qualms in lying to everyone's faces if he thinks he's justified based on his own criteria of justice

he cant dance those fancy formal dances but at some point he will discover that he likes other types of dancing, just not in front of other people

harry would abuse the FUCK out of slang so he can say as little words as possible. his convo partner is confused but he also doesnt like them ? theyre a grownup with access to books, they can figure it out by themselves

[dullahandyke]

Also I'm gonna try making one liveblog post again ‼ heres case 2 part 2

Was prompted to go into nikolina's cabin but I paused for a sec and sighed and panned to the right and there sholmes was hanging off of a desk bug like. It took several moments for me to gather the strength to engage with him

Sidenote I hate the new names for the Russian characters... pavlova? For real? What were their og names I'm gonna Google it

Ok borchevic isnt that much better but it's not fuckin pavlova!! So

Also I love the susato sprite where shes turned to look at something in the background with u... all the sprites of characters turning towards things of interest r so nice it rlly makes the space feel real. Adds on to the killer cinematography in here

Also also I need to get more like sholmes. This is a bad thing but at least he is not masking (I also dont do a lot of masking but I could do less of it)

DHHWJWJAK HIS FALLING ANIMATIOM IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED BY HIS BOXING ANIMATION.... he is so comical and animated I love it. Need that to be me

Hes so real for that tho. Singing is so fun if u keep me from singing I'll kill u dead

Also I love his little cap flip animation. A bit stupid but that's fine

(I already have plans to add a sholmes sticker to my laptop once I finish this game)

Everyone has headaches 🤨 I personally blame a gas leak. Those r always happening on old shit arent they

Nikolina has dresses n shit in her wardrobe she didnt before... what did she unpack or something ? Maybe the cat did it. So helpful

Also the bookshelf being in the cabin is so cool the way it's set into the wall like that... dream house feature. Fuck a pool I want a book hole

I like the solution to the locked room being the ship tilting that's nice and fun

'Isnt there anyone who can help me out of this mess' ryuu calls. Deep breath. Pan left. Sholmes is hanging off the coat rack

Love sholmes w the tiara... u just know iris has So much fun doing dress up w him and he is equally as delighted

IRELEVANT SNAKE???

Btw the logic and reason spectacular continues to fuck

Asougi on the floor during the spectacular.... :(

Also poor nikolina she seems so scared

Love how susato knows Facts and Knowledge... RIP girlie you would have loved pub quizzes

Ryunosuke naruhodou objectum ally... 'well if the teapot is her friend that's fine, we're all different' ryuu I trust u w my life

LOVE IT WHEN RYUU DOES THE SPECTACULARS hes getting in the facking groove!!!!!

Also love how smooth all the sprites r... the mocap so awesome

We need to get ryuu and susato some kittens.... they would love Cute Kitten Video Compilation

Sidenote I love asougi's shin things. Cunt-tastic

I have to say this is rhe first aa game that I'm not watching a playthru of or cheesing with a walkthru and I'm having fun yippee!!!

I do wonder how long the case is gonna be tho

The percussion in all this music is so awesome

Wait hold on a sec. If ryuu was being framed then that means there was someone else who knew ryuu was stowing away

Sidenote but I've been wondering, what did ryuu tell his family about him going to London? Becauss it seems like literally only he and asougi knew if they weren't even letting susato in on it. Did he tell them he was going somewhere totally different? Did he just disappear? Is he now on the missing persons list? I mean I Guess he could be an orphan but theres that whole ryutarou thing and I'd imagine he would need at least one additional family member to pull that off

We need to get susato access to wikipedia I think she would love it

We also need to get sholmes access to a fidget cube

Ryuu? We can get him access to a nice hearty meal. He deserves it

Ryuu getting distracted by strogenov's beefy arms... 🤐🏳️‍🌈

Nikolina... she looks like a small sad kitten

Wahhhhhh asougiiiiii... so niceys to nikolina...

Whenverr they show asougi I get so sad.. . RIP gayboy I loved u

The final deduction of the wardrobe.... :(

:(

The music is fucking w me too...

I know she killed asougi but cant we let nikolina go.... everyone is being so hard on her she is 15

OH NOOOO SUSATO SAD.... :(((

SUSATO SMIIIIILE YAY :)

SUSATO SHOWING HER THROWS TO SHOLMES... :) friends

Case over.... AAAAAAA!!!! now I am hungry but bubbles is atop me so ig I'll just answer texts... if shes still not up by the time I'm done then we'll see about starting case 3 but doubtful

[koholintnightmare]

finished a (partial) rewatch of the 1.1a anime

yes, they made some things different but i didnt really pay much attention at the time. mostly because i wasnt as in Deep as i am now

i am going crazy with new context/info from playing the other games since the anime aired. will be jotting down whatever the fuck i think of as i think of it

rest under a cut because im a bit Uhhhh

futaba and yotsuba in a2s flashback making it seem like theyre gonna go with the route where a2 meets the red girls and show their meeting in part 2?

i said this^ as a joke recently because i forgot a lot of what happens in the anime, but. in the last episode of the anime, i thought she said "entertain us, 9s" but no. she fucking says "entertain us, no.9" meaning that they KNOW about what the original no.9 did and his relation to 9s and how theyre going to activate the virus backdoor to further their plans

the fast glitchy scenes at the end that show 9s being killed by 2b, implying we'll see one of his 48 executions

he also had a previous glitchy moment where a weird memory overlaid itself on top of 2b as he looked at her in the present, making it seem like he remembered her killing him before

that memory was near the shopping center, and the final scenes of the anime were also at the shopping center. wondering how far theyll take this and show every time shes killed him

the church mod of course but adam having access to WCS victims and just??? keeping them there???

one of them looked like brother nier???????

the fucking hexcodes

im going insane with the hexcodes

the church mod, while i havent played it, apparently put the statues of the intoner sisters from drakengard 3 in the background. haha, neat detail right.

BUT with yoko taros decision to include church mod into the anime and also be aware of it, he could have some Fun with the anime. he did already specify that itd differ from the game

The Fucking Hexcodes are actual messages with reports about the androids (collective) and their fight against the machines

but as it goes on, the way theyre written sounds more and more like another individual who Records things

"Record", "Report", "Old World", "Magical Weapons", "Timeline "Branch", "Divergence", "Singularity"

Gee I Wonder What Other Observatory Android Talks Like Tha iiiiits fucking accord. Its Accord. Accord is watching the automata timelines and their branches now.

a drakengard character is in automata and seems to be More Involved (to the limits of an observer, at least?) rather than just some flyers related to her shop, and an npc mentioning her

WILL WE GET ACCORD IN AUTOMATA-- WAIT THIS IS NOW GOING OFF

i juST REMEMBERED THAT IN TJE 1.3AA PLAY WHICH IS BASED ON A2S BACKSTORY BUT THE BOYS VERSION, THEY HAD ACCORD? ACCORD WAS IN THAT. ACCORD IS ALREADY INVOLVED IN AUTOMATA.

UHHHHH. SHIT WELL ANYWAY CONTINUING FROM THAT. pascals despair is going to be worse this time because instead of the kids having a group death, they seemed to be eating each other instead

devola and popola backstory and their exile due to the actions of the other units who failed project gestalt

probably more references to replicant as a whole??? considering the flashbacks they put in? they also showed angelus impaled on Tokyo tower but i missed that part of the rewatch. i only watched a few episodes w my friend and missed that

literally EVERYTHING going on with the change from adams death to eves death???? seeing adam become more fleshed out as a character as he is based around hate, realizing his brother meant everything, LOSING said brother, and then going berserk while also indulging in the hatred hes so obsessed with. be it towards other machines, the androids, or himself for allowing himself to miss sight of his own treasure (eve)

my brain is fizzing out and my hands ar estarting to hurt because of how much i typed and how cold it is but. holy shit i am obsessed. its so good. it all just keeps going. and going. and going

[kasaneteto]

been thinking about this guy a lot. dont read under the cut if you dont want persona 4 spoilers or dont want to hear me talk about how i used to wish this guy would do nasty things to me because of my trauma

first of all this is not a character analysis this is my very personal relationship with the character. second of all this is normally the kind of thing i would put on my private instagram but my roommate is currently playing p4 & i dont want him to get spoiled. so sorry that youre subjected to this i guess. anyways.

recently something ive realized about myself is that i am a HOPELESS romantic. i require something to pour my affections into. & if that isnt a person WELL its gonna be a fictional character. for me the adachi blorboism started right after i ended my first real “relationship”. i say “relationship” because it was less of that and more of me being groomed by a guy 5 years my senior. unfortunately, this guy was what got me into persona. he asked me to watch the p4 anime with him and that was it for me lmfao.

so wtf does that have to do with adachi. well i didnt think it had ANYTHING to do with him until recently. being in therapy has allowed me to really dissect the way my environment has manifested in my behaviors and atp im confident in saying that getting groomed is pretty much the reason i love adachi so much. groomer man was the literal definition of a nice guy, like i made a nice guys finish last joke to him once & his actual response was “but it’s true though…” and he was SO bummed when adachi was revealed to be the mastermind. he was all “ooouuhhhh it sucks because he was such a good character before that”

so i got out of that relationship, had clarity over the fact that he had been manipulating me the entire time, got my hands on my own copy of p4 (i had still only seen the anime & played arena atp) and when i got to adachi’s monologue i was like. THIS GUY IS AWESOME!!!! HOW IS HE A WORSE CHARACTER FOR THIS!!!! im realizing now that travis (groomer) probably felt very attacked by adachi’s motives. & not only that but that i felt very comforted by how blatantly evil he is. that sounds really weird so let me explain.

i saw (& honestly still see) adachi as someone who’s a product of his environment. he felt trapped & suffocated by inaba, felt mistreated by his superiors at work, and with being given access the tv world found something that he felt he could control, which was fun for him in a world of boredom, of which he felt like the victim. i related a lot to that feeling of being trapped somewhere you can’t escape from (both because of my relationship & at the time living with my parents) and really appreciated his fucked outlook on life. not like. the misogyny part. just the whole “life only favors the lucky ones” sentiment. i also saw him as a much more honest & self-aware version of travis. he knew he was doing bad things to people who didn’t deserve it, and his justifications were just “i was bored”. unlike my ex who probably still sees himself as a victim

idk! i guess the takeaway here is that there’s still so much more to me than i know. im learning new things about myself every day. im very glad to finally be on this journey of self-discovery. ive always been a really introspective person but i dont think i ever asked myself WHY? why am i like this. like actually. so im doing that now. & the answers are actually pretty fucked up! ive always played down my trauma because its what my parents and a lot of my peers did. my “best friend” as a kid (she was honestly just a bully) didn’t believe me when i told her that my parents fought. like it was so much worse than i allowed myself to believe. i played down getting groomed because I wasn’t like r*ped or anything (he touched me with my permission but no insertion happened idk if that counts as r*pe) but whenever i tell people that my parents were not only okay with it but allowed him to come visit me from Canada and STAY AT MY HOUSE….they are always shocked. because thats so fucked up! like… what!

alright ive really gone off the rails with this but in conclusion: adachi is a piece of shit and thats why i love him. he’s my disgusting babygirl. my awful little mongrel anime husbando. & you dont get him like i do

[energywarning]

can i have ripley/agent 3 headcanons pspsps ( btw i fucking adore how you draw the agents so much OUGH )

(TYYY😭😭.)

yes. Let us fucking go babey...

-Semi secret nerd. Its not that they hid it . Like for a while they just forgot what hobbies they have. Engrossed by agent work they p much only did tht and it kinda it took over their life ? I mean not that they were very social (they werent .... at all) but like theyd at the very least go walk thru the city, look up new shows to watch n shit at the video store. When alex, them n eight start talking to eachother on the regular alex asks them what they enjoy doing in their free time and they just go "uh." Cus they forgot what they liked at this point they dont do shit. Agent work+ turf war when they can (which is rarely, so they got behind on bills etc. Wrote abt that already i think ). Eat and then sleep lmao.

Fave viddy game :metal gear solid 2, tekken 4.

Fave Music: a few machine girl songs. Some linkin park. like 2 songs. Initial d love is in danger eurobeat types. Asura... Dare i say some sleeping at last even .they Listen to the ultra sappy songs and Think. If anyone were to learn abt that theyd be pretty embarassed though probably.(author note :those artists /viddy games etc exist in sploon somehow. Cus i said so though any reference to animals that do not exist in sploon are like. Changed up and all lol. Solid snake might be solid eel for example)

- raised w the "pull yourself by the bootstraps bitch" mentality. Result is ?? Bad? Thinks... badly of themself. has way too much trouble asking for anything to ppl they care abt bc the "deserving to do so" bar they set up for themself is quite literaly impossible to reach . Will Push Themself till they break, "BOOO I SUCK i am not good enough i am not trying hard enough *going above and beyond*" 0 respect for themself. *like. dying or smth* no no its fine i am Fine.

.. Stuff like that.

They are like self aware enough that its not a good thing to do to others but not enough to know they dont deserve to treat themself that way as well most of the time.

-managed to have this p funny dynamic w marie when they started out as an agent where they did whatever was asked of them (3 go on this mission now yes i know its 4am. Also go buy a crusty seanwich for gramps, also can you buy me a lottery ticket-) but behaved in a way equivalent to a rock Emotionally .To the point where they got labeled as a brat/bitchy(ripley wasnt meant to know about it but callie talks... A lot.). When they didnt really do anything lol??? Resting bitch face+lonely+bad at talking rip. Mentioning it bc it makes me laugh + marie feels so guilty still about it. Marie feels guilty about a lot actually.

- barely moves in their sleep. is also a very light sleeper. Used to sleep with one eye open like they say... has trouble falling asleep . Often, somewhat. Nightmares and all, if the nightmare is p bad enough to wake them up theyll just curl up and try not to shake/cry too much.

- has a knife under the mattress /couch w the handle poking out for quick access. Just in case someone breaks in... or smth. Alex thinks this is . Peculiar as hell but ripley has always done this so they dont see the issue.

- horror viddygames/movies doesnt scare them... if anything it makes them laugh ("Wow the ink there is really badly done... haha").

- an excellent cook, makes food for eight and alex whenever they can. Goes to the market to get the freshest ingredients and all the sellers are afraid of them. What can i say they Love Haggling <3 .

- fashion is not their forte. I mean they have a style... sorta, not really. Likes comfy clothes, sportsy a bit. Casual shirts and all. Maybe a bit of casual whatever the fuck its called...military ish ? Very-Old-grandfathercore clothing even. but just looks at those types of clothes from afar (eight looking at ripley in the background taking notes of what theyre looking at so that she can buy those for them later LOL). ( they do not like buying themself things, . "I have clothes that are still in wearable state. Somewhat. why would i buy anything rn do i even have enough money for this"). Almost Any nice/fancy clothes they have, were bought by eight, or alex, or pearl actually. But mostly eight.

- likes collecting small rocks from when they go on hikes lol.

- talking abt hikes. And camping. Theyre pretty ultralight about this. And by that i mean the only things they bring are:

a raincoat (if they know its gonna rain), something to disinfect small cuts, A sak(swiss army knife), a lighter, their walking poles.

And a pocket blanket, re usable survival blanket bag style .

Glamping for them is sleeping on a hammock.

Now of course if they go camp w eight its not the same bc eight wont let them sleep on the ground ??? Duh??? "You go in the tent with me now ripley thank you" "but its a 1 person tent there will be condensation-" "now please! :)"

-cant fake smile... does so anyway, a bit awkward for them .they look in pain if anything, even if they are not and just trying to be a normal person and flash . A Normie smile that people have.

- Sneezes like an old man or whatever you know those sneezes that wakes the dog up n shit.

- when they got back from agent work and went on their way home at night, sometimes they said fuck it and took a detour, or stopped a few bus stops before and just walked, not so safe sure but the sights sure are pretty, the cold air felt (feels) nice. After enough walking they bought a soda and just chilled on a bench, they either got up and went home for real or fell asleep there if they wer3 too tired. A small indulgence but it broke from the work eat sleep thing they had going on. Starts to do this w 8 and 4 too shortly after they meet+talk to eachother(the walking at night part not the sleeping on a public bench), its a nice moment to have and to share.

I probably had more in my head but u kno. I forgor like they say. Also im not rewritting anything else i posted abt b4 in full cus im lazy hhah.

Ty for the ask feel free to send another one if u have other questions ^_^

[vero-niche]

UNSURPRISING AND BORING??? HAZUGSÁG! TELL ME ABOUT IT ACTUALLY!!!

(context: this ask was sent by my dear mutual after i reblogged a post about what my special interest is, which is films and filmmaking that i called those things)

fjhfjvhnfkc im so sorry for not replying to this sooner, it's been haunting me since that day bc first i was like "i will answer from desktop bc this is gonna be a long one" and then... i didnt. anyway, im just gonna start rambling and hit post at some point when i run out of steam, enjoy 💞

edit: whoops better put All That under a read more lmao

note: by movie/film i also mean animation, tv shows, anime, etc

so, it all started when i was little.... we were living mostly in a small village in northern hungary, no access to cinemas or such but my dad started working at a tv station in the capital when i was like... idk. small

anyway, he had access to The Internet and pirated movies and brough home burned VHS tapes.... i loved fiction ever since i remember and movies were no different. saw a lot of disney and other stuff, mum says i rewatched a lot of them a lot of times.... as an undiagnosed adhd+autism kid these movies were my main source of obsession.

as many in my generation, i grew to love reading a bit later after i saw the first h*rry p*tter movie and read the book but even then and ever since as well my imagination works kinda like a movie. i imagine certain shots and angles, even tho for the most part my imagination is as fuzzy as my thoughts.

also on the part of the audhd, i was basically self medicating with movies. stressed? watch a movie. sensory overload? movie (or later on, music). feeling shit? movie. it kind of works like a factory reset of my brain if the film is good. i guess because for 1,5-2,5 hours i am completely focused on one thing in a way thats not exhausting to me.

during elementary, i was in a friend group that i got in because we were in the same not school related drawing group (rajzszakkör yknow) and basically all 4 of us were a bit too neurodivergent there i think 😄 anyway, somehow when i first got a phone with camera, we started doing little "sketches" (and me with my then best friend separately too). then two of those friends came up with a short movie idea, a mockumentary about the iconic "twin towers" of the town we lived in (and hated). the 4 of us filmed and played all parts, right there in the city, and one of us edited it. it turned out quite.... well, like a shitpost lmao. so, naturally, we got quite hooked but esp me and one other friend (who is now an acclaimed theatre director btw. lol)

anyway, so we did several of these short movies + i did several sketches and other stuff with all kinds of friends in the coming years, all through about mid-high school years...

for several reasons, despite it being the obvious choice, i didnt end up going to film major at uni but chose english studies. i don't regret it, but my place wouldve been at the film major tbh....

anyway, i decided to give up my filmmaking dreams... but yknow, special interests dont wotk that way lmao.

i kept watching movies with a critical mind, such as "oh this shot is good" or "this shot is too long, they should've cut it a few seconds earlier" or "oh, they are using xy technique here" and once you start looking at movies from a filmmaker point of view, theres just no turning back (or off). i think i majorly watch anime in my spare time now bc i analyze what i see less than with live action stuff.

so like. idk what my point here is. i listen to soundtracks of movies i loved, not just the ones with lyrics but the background music too. i love rewatching and dissecting parts. after seeing a new one that i loved i headstraight to imdb to the crew and trivia section, i watch/read interviews, check box office numbers even and stare in awe when they show a special technique or smg they used.

and i mainly always thought "well i just have a passion for it but its nothing that outstanding, right? people look these stuff up when then love smg, right?" well. 😶

then not too long ago i realized im not only adhd but autistic as well. and that the reason why this passion (and need to be involved in the making) never really left, even when i myself gave up on it, is bc its my special interest.

so now im slowly approaching crossroads bc on the one hand i have a stable corporate job with good routines at home. but on the other if i dont "give in" to my special interest i feel my soul will wither. but also im sososcared 👍

in summary:

[jumpdriveproject]

what made you decide to start streaming?

This is honestly a super tough question. I think maybe the earliest I felt I wanted to entertain people was watching bootleg copies of Uncle Kage's Story Hour on youtube as a kid (you were supposed to be ordering the VHS back then, you see.) There was a certain gryphon in there as well, but we don't talk about him.

I think the furry fandom in general back then really introduced me to a lot of different forms of entertainment and expression that gave me the itch.

That kinda festered for a while until I watched Idolmaster and it started being a more noticeable desire for me, but I still didnt really have an outlet.

Jaydee got designed some time after this (around 2014 at least, but probably a few years earlier.) A musical robot inspired by groups like Daft Punk, Gorillaz, Hatsune Miku, etc. Intended to be a costume "someone" could wear to conventions and play as a character, again very obviously inspired by the furry community of the time.

I started playing with the idea of doing something online around this time as well.

"Cant afford a costume, maybe a puppet? Cant afford a puppet, maybe animation? Is there a way to do live animation? Is there a way to do DIY mocap??"

The answer was no. But then this BITCH (loving) appeared.

Kizuna AI showed that there was a way to do what i wanted to do, but the tech was still inaccessible for quite a few years. Live2d was still focusing on selling its tech to game devs, Vtube Studio was still years away, etc. but i did start keeping my ear to the ground in regards to it.

Of course hololive and nijisanji happened at some point after this and the vtuber boom happened, suddenly a bunch of things became accessible.

A lot of stuff happened all at once, I found and joined Vtuber Academy, found and read Fafrotsky's Live2d Guide, and learned my sister had started streaming in her off time and she had said i would likely enjoy it/be good at it. (not a vtuber, and i refuse to tell her my twitch name lmao)

So i redesigned JumpDrive (shortened to Jaydee for marketability,) installed the free trial of Live2d Cubism, and got my ass to work.

Vtuber Academy was very helpful in helping me find a community to start out with (shoutout to Effie, Yoichi, Pastry, Frog, Jitio, Cups, Trashy, Qrow, Justice, Robert, all the warriors.) and i absolutely recommend finding like minded people to support/help support you if you're trying to make it as a streamer.

I wouldnt have made it this far if it wasnt for people like them as well as the friends ive made along the way (thanks to Melody and Kero in particular for accepting me into their sphere.)

So yeah, technically this is something i've wanted to do for most of my life, but the inciting incident was a family member showing I could just start doing it whenever i wanted.

[gyahyahyahayhahayahyahyahyahyaha]

dreamt that i was a super famous witch that nobody knew a damn thing about but everyone who knew of me was like deathly afraid of me. most of these ppl were so afraid that they would basically blame just about anything bad that happens, big or small, on “the witches curse”

i, however, was simply chilling

just doing all kinds of magic by my self and living my life and having a generally pretty good time, an when i wasnt doing like magic experiments and blowing shit up, i would be engaging in my various hobbies and/or cooking. i had this nice little garden that “culminated” into this very pretty, slanted spiral made entirely out of various grasses and plants. it was all arranged in a very special way that honestly im not sure how id describe, almost like a cylindrical hall of mirrors? anwyays most days id conjure up various instruments amd play then for the plants 🌱 as ime watering or pruning or digging stuff up. i also had a second garden which the plant spiral led to. this one had some plants too, but it was more dedicated more towards the various exchanges ive made with all the random strangers, who ive accidentally encountered at “my mountain”. large floating mass of land that i conjured up and shaped to be my home where i spent most of my time, especially since it was so vast and had such varied environments. anyways the random encounters ive had with ppl were all my fault, due to maybe some curse or perhaps it was this inherent chance that laid within my magic. any spell or conjuration or like literally anything i did that had to do with magic, had a small chance to “summon” complete strangers from anyplace and anytime, usually at the very least one at a time until i send that specific set of ppl back to wherever/whenever they came from.

anywyas so ya like i had these little floating globules allover the place that i grew in my garden (by conjuring up spheres of water, letting plants take root IN the water and then taking some of that water and doing other magic shit withit) that basically served as like those spots in museums where u press the button and a prerecorded voice tells u about whavever ur looking at. i used them and basically had them set up as traps all over the... island cuz ppl would be showinf up whereever and whenever. the trap was simply just bestowing "information about the time, place, where, who and how". again like those museum info buttons with a prerecorded message. i didnt use them unless i felt it was absolutely necessary and like they were about to start some shit or smth. normally at first i would try to ignore them cuz with the entire island being the way it is ( chalk full of vegetation and life, oh we even got a cool lil desert somewhere around. its not too big but not too small. i had sculpted it for the purpose having access to certain desert based plant and animal life for like cooking or reagents or just sliding around the dunes) they could probably survive on their own. i also didnt want to drop whatever inwas doing to go greet thrm cuz half of the time a lot of them would immediately recognize me somehow. one of the few reasons i ever left the island was to try n find the shithead thats spreading rumours about me to the point that most ppl around could tell who i was at first glance as well as having them be as afraid of me as they are. it was annoying tryna deal with that every time so i usually let them do their thing unless i could see they were like causing trouble or they werent gonna make it.

main reason i didnt immediately send them back was cuz i had to make sure i sent them back properly, also like, i wanted to see if i could trace + assess how the rumours were developing so inwould eventually talk to them and show them SOME hospitality. i know it wasnt anyones fault in particular that ppl kept showinf up, but when most ppl who do show up are THAT afraid of u based on some bullshit rumours, dealing with it was just...annoying... after proving thst im not an immediate threat and that the rumours were bullshit(sometimes i WOULD fuck with them cuz i knew they were boutta start some bullshit), i would usually ask them where theyre from and what its like and then try to divine some of the local specialties and cook that for them. then if they liked it id give them a couple samples of the islands local food. we had a LOOOOOT of fucked up and interesting plants growinf here, some was the natural course of things and some of it was by my design and experimentation. of course making sure there were no side effects that i couldnt just magic away was a concern since the local wildlife and my own self wasnt a particularly useful point of reference, given all the fucked up magic bullshit that the island itself and i are always up to.

i dont remember any specific visitors in particular but the way it would usually go is,

they show up whileim doing magic

-> if they arent causing trouble, i leave them alone (even if they were causing trouble i usually had jus tthe right spell to like fuck withthem enough to get them to stop, i usually liked to use enchantments or illusions that like would guide them towards a lake and let them chill out OR i would just fuck with them indirectly or directly until they were ready to like not destroy me n my island)

-> once im done withwhat im doing and like feel like it, i otherwise lead them to my garden/house or some specific location (or i go to them)

-> we do the whole "who are you" song n dance

-> i convince them to talk about where theyre frome

-> i make food or drink for them or let themdo it themselves or ask them to teach me, OR i just figure it out

-> we talk more

-> i learn about the time n place theyre from, they learn that the rumours are more or less bullshit (cuz i mean i guess they COULD be true considering how powerful of a witch i was but yknow, will and intent an all thatbulshit ALSO LIKE IM A FUCKIGN HERMIT WITCH)

-> we exhange info about our various goings on and lifestyles

-> if theyre interested i invite them to make some kind of "tether" that would help not only send them back but also allow them to return if they so wished. i tell them about the garden/shrine (cuz it enshrines all the memories and effects dedicated to our various encounters hehe)

-> tether gets made (and yeah the tether could be just about anything, a scrap of paper, maybe something with something written on it, a sculpture of some kind, something culturally significant to the person in question, knickknacks, or some times they just give me something they were carrying on them at the time. one thing i usually liked to do was trade knives. i would make a knife (sometimes out of pure magic, or i would just fire the smithy up and we'd make it together) for them and i would ask if they wanted to trade and if they didnt id just give them the damn thing anyways. i mean yeah thats what the tether was. it was always an "exchange". the objects exchanged would always serve as the tether. always)_

-> i place the tether in the second garden/museum/shrine of encounters, putting them iin a display case, a hanging rack, or set it up in some way, shape, or form. taking care of these was also a nice way to pass the time.

->using the tether, i send them back if they want to go back immediately or i give them a magic thing that lets them go back whenever they want and let them do whatever, as long as they arent fucing everytihng up

-> i go bakc to enjoying my solitary floating island lifestyle

-> repeat

oh shit i almost compeltely forgot this ones so long lmao

so at some point after like living as described for who knows how many years, i ended up getting "summoned" myself. i was like summoned onto this thing like one of those bird watering fountains but with a magic circle on it

like this but the top was completely flat and thats where the circle was. iw as just like sitting in the fountain and i waslike absolutely fucking astonished, like how could they have done this to ME. how did i not notice it in time to intercept the spell, how couldi have let this happen, etc, etc. i was like on my knees sitting in the fountain and im just thinking how bullshit this all was when i finally noticed ppl circled around me. i was so mad. i think i just like threw large branches at them all or smth. i thinki woke up around then

[543634]

✨️ If you get this, answer with ten random facts about yourself, and send it to the last 7 blogs in your notifications. Anonymously or not! Let's get to know the person behind the blog ✨️

i read the whole harry potter series 3 times when i was 11-12 (i never bought the books tho so i didnt support jk rowling)

i got my first cat on the day i got discharged from the hospital after a major surgery. it was funny because the second i sat down on the sofa someone (my dad?) came in with a box that had a very small and cute kitten inside

when our first cat came he kinda looked like a dragon because his face was very pointy and his ears were huge. i also was kinda scared to pick him up since i never had a cat before

when i was very young my parents shaved my head (lmao) and my mom sais my hair is thick now because they shaved my head and it regrew that way

on my ninth birthday we celebrated outside and i just took my shirt off because it was hot and a boy did it too and didnt understand why other girls didnt walk around shirtless

the first anime i watched was aot and it also was the first manga i started collecting

my first therapist send me to the psychward after the third session

i have a shark tooth

i had supervised internet access as a kid but still met pedos

i really struggled to come up with these 👍

[quaranmine]

1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 11, 43?

thank you!! :0

fic writer ask game

1. How long ago did you start reading fanfiction? Writing fanfiction?

hmmm, I don't quite remember when I started reading it, but the best I can say is probably between 5th and 6th grade? I went on a trip with some friends that summer and I remember reading it on the trip but not before it. I was.....definitely way too young. I also discovered it via warrior cats fanfic. i also discovered cat smut the same day since i didnt know what "lemon" meant. it was mildly traumatizing. somehow despite all odds i came back to reading fanfic

writing, probably sometime in 7th grade? i published some Doctor Who fics on ff.net and wrote it by hand in my notebook lol. my first AO3 fic wasn't finished and posted until 10th grade.

2. How do you spend your time when it comes to fanfiction? Are you primarily a fic reader, writer, or a perfect 50/50 split of both?

historically I read more than I write, but these past few months have been a bit insane for my writing output so i'm much closer to 50/50 right now.

3. Are there any fics that inspired you to write what you do?

I can't think of any specific fics, honestly, but I probably internalize all my favorite parts of other people's works. the more i write the more I do this! there's even a few times where i've intentionally not read a fic until later because i didn't want to end up borrowing too much of their interpretations by accident

4. Link your three favorite fics right now.

i'm just doing current faves in this fandom rather than all-time ones across all fandoms!

Still the Echoes Give Us Light by doctortrekkie: not a fic but a series, but definitely one of my favorites ones right now.

the pain will make you crazy - you're the victim of your crime by Jinx72: one of my fave empires fics ever. does something to my brain. makes me wanna lie on the floor and cry over jimmy

late at night, when the stars don’t look quite right by lunarblazes: another GREAT empires fic.

runnerups include nearly anything written by theminecraftbee, everything turns to gold, and dog at the door, but I wanted to link these other ones

7. Do you prefer to read short fics or long fics?

long fics. i like to lose myself in a fanfic for hours obsessively reading it. i was, however, up until recently, only a short fic writer so i also very much love and respect the oneshot writers

11. How do you come up with your fic titles?

mostly song titles/lines LOL. how to be a human being is named after the album by glass animals, but it's one of my faves since i think it fits the fic perfectly. the (wip) sequel to it is named after a line in a lord huron song. lonesome dreams is named after a lord huron song/album. my favorite title that was entirely my own is the baby sitting game. my least favorite title is new world, new faces, which is funny since it's my second most popular fic.

43. Talk about a positive experience with fanfiction or the fanfiction community that you will always remember.

i have great memories of being interactive on people's works in 2014 on ff.net--the sort of thing where i'd review every chapter, offer suggestions, song reccs, and stuff. I even messaged some authors, but I was awful at replying since I didn't have a super steady access to my account at the time. That was so much fun though and definitely connected me to the community. I also used to have irl friends who wrote fic, and that was fun because we'd write it together in person and i always had someone i could talk to about my ideas at school or whatever. now i have that on discord, though :D

nowadays i'm just totally shocked whenever someone follows my ao3 account (not the fics--just me as an author) or says that they came to my fic after seeing me post about it on tumblr, or says that my fic is one of their favorites. it's such a nice feeling <3

[semi-imaginary-place]

I started talking on discord about the rebuild of evangelion movies with some people so you are getting the same text wall as before just said in a slightly different way. I sadly can’t guarantee this is more coherent than the previous walls of text:

i just finished watching the evangelion rebuild movies and now im chewing on furniture like a dog. evangelion rebuild really be like: maybe touching grass would fix you. maybe if you touched grass you wouldn’t be like this. still going feral here. i started watching 3.0+1.0 at like 10 pm and didnt finish it until 3am

yes i really enjoyed the movies. i was rather confused how much world building the 2 continuities shared because they seem to share some parts but not others. overall an excellent experience. most of the changes i am in favor of. By different worldbuilding i meant how adam(s), angels, the seeds of life/wisdom all mean different things and have different relationship depending on the continuity. or how the whole second impact was different, in the anime it was contact with the one and only adam sealed in their egg in antarctica where as in rebuild there were 4 adams. and in the anime both angels and evas are made from adam (except 01) where as in rebuild there isn't that a direct connection angels are just prophesied. so what units 01 and 13 are doing is becoming adams/gods where as gods in the anime was probably referring to the first ancestral race. there's also stuff like how kaworu is only an angel in rebuild where as in the anime he's adam's soul shoved into a lilin body and the anime makes it clear that angel is an arbitrary label that nerv is using as propaganda to designate an enemy. there also doesn't seem to need to be the pilot's mother's soul fused to the eva, more just any soul in rebuild. there's various other small things but it meant i'd interpret a scene one way based on knowledge of the anime and then 5 minutes later have to rewatch it because woops i need to see it under a new perspective. confusing to constantly be analyzing what's shared and what's different worldbuilding wise. but its inline with rebuild's themes of this is all fictional and the story (and worldbuilding) belong to the audience so i do applaud the movies for pulling this off. The simpler remade worldbuilding makes rebuild accessible to new people and it makes the movies able to stand on their own with out 15 books of supplementary material.

rebuild went very post modernism with emphasis on how the interpretation by the audience forms the reality of the fiction, the acknowledgement of the characters that they are fictional. so it leans into the meta and takes the audience out of suspension of disbelief purposefully to remind us this is fiction. and this shift is reflected in moving the focus away from worldbuilding. on a conceptual level i don't think either concept is inferior. personally im a sucker for worldbuilding so that part of the 1995 anime appeals to me. however from an execution stand point rebuild did a far better job, not only with this theme but all of its other themes too. the 1995 anime was successful in delivering its themes too but wow was there so much other stuff in between to get through. Not to mention the actual production meltdown that gave us the infamous powerpoint slide show presentation. In the anime halfway through they just gave up on making events comprehensible and it was big shinji depression times for the rest of the show

the 1995 anime was really weird about women and it always felt really slimy having the female characters be defined by their relationships to the male characters, the strange obsession with pregnancy and a woman's reproductive capabilities and i am so happy rebuild toned that all down. while motherhood continues as a recurring theme its focus is shifted to human connection and family and like caring for one another instead of all the weird bullshit and impregnation metaphors like when gendo implants the adam fetus on his hand and sticking it in rei3 to fuse into one being and start instrumentality.

the shinji gendo fight very much was about the fictionality of the movie. the animation of the evas always made them bouncy and massive like they have a lot of mass but in this scene thye used live action capture so it looked like actors in costumes on set with a miniature town and then shinji crashes into the backdrop/greenscreen and oh they actually are on a set. big YES to the final "fight" of the big mecha action series being two emotionally stunted dudes having a heart to heart and talking it out (Even if i do not care about whatever comes out of gendo's mouth).

rebuild is more direct in its themes than the anime. in the anime shinji only really starts understanding right in the final scenes of end of evangelion that connecting and building relationships is extremely hard but worth it. the omedetou scene doesn't count because no one understood it. where as rebuild it happens in the middle of 3.0+1.0 so shinji has the rest of the movie to talk about how even though you can never truly know another person, its only as an individuals that we can get to know and compliment each other and that process is worth it. Everyone carries their own pain, its not just you. you are not alone. and the solution to pain and loneliness is reaching out to others about their pain and loneliness.

yeh... yeah idk what to make of the timeloops kaworu's been going through. there's so much massive unexplored potential. this and the time between the near third impact and the actual third impact we are teased and hinted at so much but shown like 5 lines. i remember like a decade ago (before i got into eva) when people were losing their shit over that one line in 3.0 where kaworu implies he's been on a journey through the multiverse to find a timeline and make shinji happy. and i mean anno more or less gave his creative blessing to derivative works with 3.0+1,0. but yeah interesting that it is shinji and the characters and evas as concepts that bind the timelines and multiverse together, it's not a shared history with diverging timeslines. I could say that evas are everyone's secret dead twin from the mirror universe that have crossed over and make asuka a talking dog and anno says that just as true an evangelion story a what was actually published. and the implication with the timeloops that by writing shinji’s name next to his in the book of life, kaworu made them and the other major character the constants in the multiverse, not the adams or the angels or any of the worldbuilding or the backstories of the characters. It's just them, the people holding the timelines together.

anyways i really liked rebuilt. I watched the 1995 anime a few years ago just because i was curious to see what all the hype was about and it was ok but i enjoyed thinking about it and reading wiki articles more than i actually enjoyed watching the series. but i actually really enjoyed watching the movies, it was fun, it was engaging, they're good movies. They’re Good Movies!

rebuild also adds environmentalist themes. in ... 2.0? when they visit the marine animal refuge laboratory the question of humanity's role is destroying, preserving, and rehabilitating natural systems comes up. stewardship of natural systems. In that marine species only survive in tanks now. this shows up is a couple more places but the biggest is when asuka, shinji, and rei visit village 3. theres also a discussion of purity and disease in relation to species of earth especially with seele's plans that impure life should be wiped out and replaced with pure lifeforms. the aquarium also acts as a character study for rei and asuka since they are both clones carefully monitored by nerv, their whole lives controlled just like the aquarium animals. rei literally can not live outside of her tank for long, and for asuka its about a place to belong and exist in or having no where else to go. also parallele to what happens to humanity later, in that they can only exist is non-corified areas that are maintained by a barrier.

asuka: the changes to her i find very interesting. they took away her parental issues of abandonment (mommy AND daddy issues wow) which drive her in the original anime to the point of breakdown and catatonia. Instead rebuild gave her existential angst cloning blues and hey wow she actually ended up with better mental health (most of the cast made it out better in rebuild actually now that i think about it). in the 1995 anime asuka is a direct opposite contrast to rei. moon/sun, color schemes, personalities, backstories. but here they gave rei and asuka the same backstory! and im still turning it over in my head (rotisserie style). also asuka shikinami was made for a purpose but made it her own in the end and found her reason to keep piloting. in the anime asuka is haunted by the abandonment by her parents. she tries and fails to weaponize her sexuality in an attempt to be wanted you see her try with kaji and again with shinji, she wants a boyfriend or at least the male attention without really understanding what it means to be in a relationship. and its implied this is partially out of her daddy issues. im not sure what to think about the asuka shinji relationship in rebuilt yet. hmmm i will need to think on this more.

[funshinebf]

i had a dream that like.. there was a barbie version of the lego movies, where its like animated to actually look like its toys and all that, and with the whole lego movie thang where their shit is a game for a kid but like real to them and they can also affect the human world. but like with barbies. and it was also subtlely connected to The live action barbie movie, but like. in a way that was very obviously just trying to seem complex and intelligent but was actually shallow as hell and made no sense. and i remember being like "this sucks" so when it was over i instead watched this like. adult lego movie. not in like a cuss words sex jokes way, but like in a horror movie way. lego people were getting violently murdered by a cosmic entity beyond their understanding. and also there was a very brief vash and knives cameo, where they were (of course) lego people. and i remember in the drean after the movie finished, trying desperately to google a screenshot of the vash and knives legos in the movie, to be like "GUYS HOLY FUCK?" on here. but no one else had noticed it and taken a screenshot of it yet, so i was fucked. and i didnt have access to the movie so i couldnt take my own screenshot. anyways after that me and my family went to this huge ass fucking hotel room and i made an insanely alcoholic tropical fruit smoothie for myself with drinks and fruits i just Found laying around the room. there were so many bottles of alcohol and various mixers just in the cupboards and the fridge and on the counters. i was like did We bring all this or did the hotel just give it to us??? but i didnt actually care that much so i used like every single tropical flavored bottle i could find and mixed it all together into a tropical flavored fuckfest that was definitely going to get me blackout by the time i finished it. and then i tried to go masturbate in the shower but people kept interrupting me and i was getting increasingly pissed off at having to very quickly hide my vibrator and try to shoo people out so i could return to my activities. i was like why the fuck does everyone suddenly need my attention the SECOND i try to slip away to jack off in the shower. everyone hates me apparently. anyways hi

[livingroombeat]

Living room beat progress update 12\16\23

Hi gang, are you ready for your scheduled progress update? I sure am the worlds most consistent writer. well anyway ive been doing some planning for a4 and im gonna kinda explain my current roadmap here.

-do end of a3 animation

Yeah i havent done it yet, ive just been procrastinating. Anyway though its gonna be a short one and it wont take long so this isnt like a major deal or anything.

-do a4

I have the events of a4 planned in detail already in a text file so all i have to do is write the dialogue and turn it into comics. Ive said it before and ill say it again: a3 was WAY too many comics. There were so many comics that were just a couple of words and thats just completely stupid. A3 couldve been like 100 comics but instead ended up at 300+ because i did it like an idiot. But im not gonna do that with a4, it will be pretty short in comic number but each one will have loads of dialogue. It will be super efficient.

-post

I might actually post a3 before finishing a4, but again a4 is going to be super short in page count so it probably wont take TOO long to actually make, so waiting til after its done isnt completely unreasonable.

-do new website

Blogger sucks, its a terrible platform, so im gonna make a new website and host it on github pages. It will be made so that it is super easy for me to bulk upload LOADS of new pages at once so that i wont keep putting it off like ive been doing with the rest of a3. It will be all automatic and everything so i dont have to spend multiple hours on it lol. I will also be able to do bulk changes to the page format so i dont have to go individually through each post and change it. Maybe even a back button????

-do a lot of the story

This is a super vague bullet point but i just kinda want to make my way a fair chunk through the story before doing the next point because it would be kinda annoying to just be halted after a4 for ages.

-go back and redo a0 through a3 (and maybe a4, well see how that turns out)

Ive already said it in this post but a0 through a3 kinda just suck, theres loads of changes i would make now if i made them, so i plan to go back and change them. This would also make lrb more accessible for new readers because they dont have through over 100 pages for it to get 'ok'. I also plan to have a summary page to catch people up on the story of a0 through a4 quickly so that they can get into a5 and beyond. I will probably only keep that summary page until ive finished remaking a0 through a3, but i will post it after a4 as a4 is a good break off point in the story (youll see).

-do rest of the story

This is pretty self explanatory. Theres loads of story to go.

Among all of these points is also planning a5 and beyond as what i said before isnt true. I originally wasnt going to change the actual story i had planned but i changed my mind on that, the main story is being changed quite a bit.

The thing is i noticed the problems with the structure but didnt notice the ROOT cause of those problems, the fact that the characters act as too much of a conglomerate and have literally 0 independence.

Ok what do i mean by that. Well basically all of the alternate reality versions of streve and brian, and even streve and brian themselves, could be compressed into 1 character reasoning their decisions out with themself. They have 'disagreements' but they dont have any REAL disagreements, they always come around and end up acting as a group in the end.

Now is this because im a bad writer? Probably but i can (try to) fix it in future parts of the story. So im gonna do that.

I also plan to make more social media for the comic rather than just tumblr and reddit. Like a twitter even though that site is dying.

I also also need to come up with a name to sign these posts with. All webcomic authors have some name they go by, i dont. So ill come up with one. Anyway thats all i have to say for this progress update. This one ended up being super long so hopefully that makes up for me missing so many. See you next saturday.

[willoftrees]

I'm genuinely about to have that cynical opinion of that like almost all media is just fucking bad because it rots your brain and I'm just so fucking sick of how everyone around me is just so consumed by it and I'm somehow the outcast because I watch wildlife documentaries and real world shit.

Like some of the people I live with are so fucking detached from reality because they've consumed so much anime and fictional media that they think that the fiction that they see is how the real world works and then have serious issues in the real world because they don't understand that it doesn't work the way they thought it did.

Real life actual fucking adults over the age of 25 who think that the way that things work in anime is how the real world works.

there really is such a thing as watching too much "tv" or seeing too many movies and somepeople really would do better if they rather didnt have a phone or had extremely restricted access. some people NEED the media removed from their lives.

[hexcryingwolf]

im not spending my days in a depressive suicidal fog like i did for the first couple of years after the 2018 fallout. im not constantly thinking about and remembering and questioning and doubting everything that happened anymore. i have healed a lot. i am so much better than i was

but finding out that [information i hope to god comes to light sooner rather than later] lit this fire in me. im not scared anymore, im fucking angry. angry about the lies. angry about how they treat people. angry that nothing ever got any fucking better. angry that im a joke to them because i had the audacity to Not Handle the Trauma of Finding Out Someone I Trusted and Considered a Friend was a Dogfucker with perfect poise and tact.

we never talked about that. i dont remember ever talking about that in the server. i talked about it with glip privately but not in a way to process my pain, i was trying to support them and pushed my trauma aside for them. i know when i first saw those videos i talked about it in the server but i dont think, once the truth about marl came out, that i ever really took the time to talk about it in relation to that. i was too concerned with supporting glip

and its not their fault i did that obviously, that was my own actions and i own that much. im not blaming them for anything here. i just want it to be understood that i had this trauma and never took the time to process it and maybe thats why i lashed out so much. maybe thats why everything hurt me so deeply. maybe thats why i was so fucking scared all the time.

thats understandable, right? like. we never talked about the animal abuse but i should have. i should have brought it up in therapy way sooner than i did, and even when i did it wasnt a focus, it was just a footnote to the rest of it. i dont remember anyone else being as bothered by it as i was. so we didnt talk about it. i used self harm to train myself out of thinking about it instead of talking about it. one time in the box i tried to talk about it but glip shut us down because “(they) hadnt taken the time to process it yet”. i know we couldve gone to dms, i know that logically. can it be understood that logic sometimes gets overwritten by emotion? or is that just a personal defect, i should have known better. in the face of this horrid, monstrous thing, i should have known how to handle it logically

i remember glip being, kinda. like it was this eureka moment for them when they understood that the reason the zoo shit upset me so much was because i saw it as animal abuse. i hate to phrase it like that - “i saw it as” - because it fucking *is* abuse. knowing some of the shit i know now it makes sense they reacted that way, i guess? but it sucks cuz there were dozens of active people in that server, a lot of whom were my *friends*, but i just had to stew in this pain and never let it LEAK. we talked so much about how my bad feelings leaked out onto others. and that was bad. it was bad that i couldnt hide my pain? im not sure. i wish i understood. i wish i could see the logs. id fucking settle for talking to someone with access to the logs who i could trust was being honest with me, even without directly giving me any logs at all. but no one like that exists, i dont think

i know glip didnt think my pain was real. january 2019, i was feeling so hurt and mistreated by them but i REFUSED to believe they were just being a bitch to me. so i make up this motivation where theyve been hurting me because they want me to retaliate somehow. i ask axi about it and they dont try to stop me, they tell me to write my callout. so i did, and then i was the villain. i was a joke. how dare i “put on a brave face” during the scene with them, after how badly i had hurt them with a wimpy callout i never shared and they never read. im sure it *DID* hurt you glip. but what about the pain i was feeling in the first place? i did that because i was being hurt by you, but i wanted to believe youd only ever do that to me for some good reason. maybe to teach me something? to teach the rest of the server something? can you understand that that didnt come from a place of anger or wanting to hurt you, it came from the pain *i* was feeling but was trying to deny, because i didnt want to believe youd hurt me.

its ok that you didnt/dont like me glip. im over it. but i cared so much about you i refused to believe you might just not like me. when i thought, maybe they want me to retaliate? maybe this is some plot? it fucked me up so badly. so i went to axi and they didnt try, just said “well youd just take my trying as part of the scheme” and maybe i would have but we’ll never know because *they didnt even try*. so it was easier to believe that you were hurting me for some greater purpose than it was to believe we just werent compatible as people

i dont know. this turned into more of a vent than i meant it to. theres so much i cant process properly because i cant read minds and i dont have the logs and ill just carry this pain forever. at least its smaller than it was