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#i just dont want anyone to see and think even worse of me than i already do
gibbearish · 4 months
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btw its interesting the way james tries to imply that like. well the videos that have plagiarism are the ones our dumb stupid annoying patrons requested about bad topics that didnt deserve to have the effort put in to covering them well so basically its fine. like obv thats interesting on its own but moreso the fact that he doesnt actually /say/ it, or like. give a list of the videos hes referring to, just says "those videos are very clear on which ones they were" i think as a nod meaning like "yknow the ones everyones talking about". unless what hes meaning is that like they put a note in certain videos saying "this video was requested by a patron, we here at james somertom incorporated do not espouse these views" which seems unlikely to me. idk methinks maybe it's because there is indeed a lot more than people think and with all the buzz he's not sure which ones have been discovered yet or not, so putting down a solid list that missed some would look like he was still hiding things whereas putting down a fully sourced list would be admitting to wayyyy more than anyone's found yet
#which is ironic too bc if he genuinely did want to prove he understood what he did wrong and that hed changed thatd be the way to do it#yknow like a full list of every single source including ones no one has found on their own or /can/ find anymore would a) be taking full#responsibility and b) make people less likely to always be like 'youre still hiding something'#which in turn makes me super think hes still hiding a lot of somethings#also cant go without stating that the 'request a video topic' thing was only for $100/month patrons after 3 months on that tier#like fucker these people gave you THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS AT LEAST and youre trying to blame it on them??????#no one forced you to make 'let patrons pick video topics' a reward dude like. hello????????#shit dude even hbombs highest tier ($10 for anyone wondering bc he doesnt see his audience as a money machine lmao)#just says you can vote in polls about future topics#like that makes complete sense to me as a version of this‚ the most dedicated audience members get a say in the future of the#channel while the creator still gets overall control of the direction#also 'patrons who gave me fuckloads of money asked me to make videos on topics i didnt like so i plagiarized those' is i think uhhh#worse than just 'i plagiarize everything without remorse' frankly?#like at least with the second youre just a general shitbag but the first where youre a shitbag specifically to the people#majorly financially supporting you rather than just like. be an adult and say 'hm i dont feel like that topic really works for the channel‚#do you have any other ideas?'#or dare i say even perhaps yknow. doing what other youtubers do in similar situations and find ways to tie that subject#to what they usually talk about is just. wild#course that last one would take actual creativity and aint that just the crux of the issue#james somerton#or i say cannot go without stating i should say cannot go without restating kwnrkabdkwbrn
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nightfallsystem · 3 days
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u guys ever think about killing urself for everyone elses sake.
just so people wont have to go thru the annoyance of talking to me or the disgust of seeing my face so they can be happier by talking to their other friends instead of me so they dont have to deal with my actual fucking stupidity
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snekdood · 11 months
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Some of yall deeply underestimate how much some cis men are threatened by trans men and our masculinity. How theres so many cis dudes out there that want to rape us, thinking that will make us detransition. How many incels out there are mad at us for betraying womanhood and not sucking their dick. How much they want to force us to detransition, how much they want to kill us and force us into hiding which, to me, minus well be killing us since theyre smothering who we are for the sake of a status quo. We shake their fundamental understanding of the world. Its one thing for a GIRL to be a tomboy to them. They think its cute, like a baby pretending to be an adult. Its a whole other thing for someone percieved as a woman to try to actually be a man to them. They think thw fact we have the gal to assume we can escape their grasp, to escape the kitchen or whatever tf, means we're disrespecting them and trying to "destroy" them, rather than what it really is, us trying to be independent. We're the exact thing these types of cis men hate. Sometimes they tolerate (emphasis here bc im not saying they accept yall. Dont twist my words)trans women bc they fetishize them but they want to completely eradicate us becayse we threaten the patriarchy by virtue of deciding we dont need a man to take care of us, we want to be the man that takes care of ourselves.
#and bc ik how some of yall are on this site and how uncharitable you are let me be clear: just because they TOLERATE trans women/fems#sometimes. doesnt mean i think they actually respect you or see you as you. im not abot to say you somehow have it easier. they want to use#you and then dump your body somewhere. im well aware of that. but they *also* want to entirely entrap us and our identities and keep us#smothered with no escape. its why were seeing child marriage laws. its why were seeing anti abortion laws. its why we're seeing rights#stripped away from ppl wrongly percieved as women becayse theyre so threatened by us and how we think we can be on our own#that they have to try more extreme measures ro control us our bodies and self expression. its why candace owens goes on saying#'does women voting actually do any good for anyone??'#and no. entrapment isnt them somehow caring about us mlre than you. thats their alternative to killing us but its not an alternative bc it#fundamentally strips us of our rights and autonomy. and also. entrapping us and forcing us out of our gender. like i said. minus well be#killing us. its not likely we'll just get to run away free from these men if they get this type of power. its more likely they kill us for#even daring to betray them their values and words.#so how tf is anyone more privileged in this situation? in trans spaces? can we really fucking say someone has it worse rn.#is it really worth it to try to divide and weigh who has it worse. bc they want both os us dead for being who we are.#and its not like they dont offer yall an out to. its just their out is ALSO basically killing yourself bc they want you to conform to#cishet white manhood.#also it goes both ways. cis women are like this towards trans women. its the proximity effect.#where you get more upset with different people who are also more like you than other ppl#the difference i'd argue though is cis men- at least the ones in power- have more of an ability to remove us than cis women#like its easier for them to do.
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hecksupremechips · 13 days
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Actually cry so goddamn hard when I think about Shinjiro Aragaki healing and being loved and having to learn to be okay with himself and being taken care of
#writing him has just been like. OOOOWOEOEOEOOE i piss tears i cant handle this shit this gay ass shit#i came up with an idea for just like a cute short one shot i wanna do soon and hnnnghh im so emo about it#very healing its like very hard to write some of the shit im gonna be writing cuz basically#some of it is just a little too real man and while i crave the angst and the drama i am just like#AND THEN EVERYONE HOLDS HANDS AND ITS OKAY PLEASE DONT CRY PLEASE#and ive mentioned how shinji has accidentally become nb to me now because i just kinda happened to write him that way without meaning to#and now another thing im noticing is that in my fic hes kinda bpd coded#it definitely wasnt intentional but now im accepting it as truth no one can stop me#i just really need him to be happy its more important to me than anything else man i need it for me#and he needs to be gay with aki they need to kissy and i think its funny cuz even in the parts where shinji is mad at aki and pushing him#away its like. he kinda has it bad lol and its clear he feels no actual hatred towards aki but more just self deprecation because he doesnt#feel good enough and like idk i just think about their respective roles in society like#aki is an honor student star boxer hero very attractive very kind very popular got adopted by a rich family#hes going places you know meanwhile shinji is a drop out who never had a family ever hes homeless hes sketchy hes on drugs#his reputation couldnt be any worse and he just leans into it and feels he has no future and hes worthless garbage#and aki could literally have anyone he wants you know he has an army of girls pining over him but he doesnt want them#HE WANTS SHINJI AND NO ONE ELSE HE SPENDS YEARS CHASING AFTER HIM#and shinji HATES it hes trying so hard to push him away and be the crusty delinquent and make aki see how worthless he really is#but aki just doesnt stop he loves him so much makes me sick SICK#and shinji really loves him back hes like not gonna shut up ever about aki hes like either doing it in a gay ass annoyed way#or hes like ‘haha omg aki is so cute though hes always trying so hard to be tough but hes just so sweet and gentle you know i hope he#doesnt push himself too hard if he got hurt id fall apart hes so silly i hope hes eating good i desire him carnally’#yeah sorry gamers this is just a pairing i cant be normal about they mean so much to me personally the fate of the world rests upon them
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dreadfuldevotee · 5 months
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i am just...so profoundly tired of being me
#char.txt#there is something that is so revolting about me I am incapable of shaking the shame of it#Theres nothing i can do to make myself happy its just not possible i think i have to accept that#but im tired of pretending for other people its so stupid#everything feels fake even when im being honest i dont know who this person is anymore#its just stupid idk im thinking about too many things#my life feels like it exists for other peoples entertainment and if im not interesting im failing and im wasting peoples time and energy#but i can't be alone anymore I legitimately cannot be alone anymore ive tried so hard it only makes things worse#I need to feel wanted and maybe its something im missing thats keeping me from feeling that way#but I feel so deeply that when i stop being funny or when the person ppl actually want to talk to comes around ill stop being relevant#i dont exist to people when im not infront of them and...idk i have to be okay with that because im never anything more#and like this genuinely isnt a dig because there are people who I am friends with who have access to see this and I don't want you to feel#like its something youve done cause its not your fault its kind of not even about any of you or the ppl wholl never see this#Its something im missing its something about me and i dont deserve cruelty ik that#but i can't make anyone want me more than they do and thats alright#i just know that ill always be second fiddle at best and it just exausts me sometime#its be easier if I liked me but I wouldnt wish my presence upon anyone#but im selfish and i need the attention or ill actually self destruct so here we are this is my boulder
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diegoshargrieves · 7 months
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listening to my parents talk about me is so fucking funny. "she's dealt with us for so long that at this point she's done. she's mentally checked out from having to give a shit about anyone. can you believe how corruptible she is just because she's almost an adult and she thinks that we're not her problem anymore?"
like man you are literally so close. so fucking close.
#no it's not that ive dealt with everyone for my whole life and now im selfish and dont want to give a shit about anyone anymore#its that ive dealt with everyone my entire life ive been an emotional support pillar ive been rotting in this toxic dysfunctional household#ive been a third parent ive stepped in for my dad when he spontaneously decides to be a deadbeat ive supported my mom without fail#whenever shes needed it for years. ive dealt with everyones fits of mania & psychosis & breakdowns & chronic pain & depressive episodes#ive had my mental illness trivialized and belitted and downplayed. im exhausted and traumatized and so fucking burned out#of course it looks like ive given up on everyone from the outside because im struggling !! im struggling mentally and emotionally#and its spilling out in all the wrong ways and they just see it as me letting my anger ruin my character and everyone else around me#they dont care if theres something wrong with me even though im throwing out signs and cries for help literally wherever i can#they just care that theyre affected by it and inconvenienced by my deteriorating mental condition#they think this mentally ill freak is just what i am at this point and they cant stop emotionally blackmailing me#by reminiscing about how i used to be so kind and optimistic. i wish they would just fucking see me for once#ive played the role of the good emotional support eldest daughter my entire life. why didnt they think it would blow up at some point#and when i have tried opening up in moments of severe emotional vulnerability they just throw it back in my face later on#while simultaneously telling me i just need to change my outlook on life because im still young and cant define myself by childish problems#mom you are depressed and anxious you should recognize it better than anyone. you should be able to see it for what it is#instead of telling me to go spend a week volunteering at a cancer hospital so i can go see what real problems exist for people in the world#and what other people are going through and maybe ill come out with a new appreciation for life#mom just bc people are dying of cancer doesnt mean i can't be depressed just bc other people have it worse doesnt mean i cant have it bad#im so fucking tired!#3 am vent post yippee i am going to regret oversharing on the internet so badly when i wake up tmrw
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hawkeyedflame · 1 year
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#im not vagueing anyone specific so if u think this is abt you don't get your underwear twisted okay this is about like. so many ppl.#but it's so fucking frustrating seeing people i know (friends/family/coworkers/etc) going thru so much mental health struggle#often accompanied by physical health issues like weight/skin/pain problems#and knowing their diet is absolutely dogtrash#and trying to come up with a way to tell them that is nice but will maybe get them to think or change their ways#i know i know. you can lead a horse to water and all but it's just fucking agonizing knowing that people are suffering so needlessly#and it would go away if they just put the right food in their bodies#and no this isn't even an injunction to carnivore you can recover significantly with meat-heavy noncarnivore ketogenic diets#but people are so resistant to the idea that they can eat their way out of mental illness even though this is well documented#it just makes me want to rip my hair out that people would really rather stay the same than try something that could make them better#like i really can't fucking relate the whole reason i ended up a carnivore is because i was so *desperate* to be healthy#and trying something for a month just to see sounds so much better than letting everything get worse until i'm literally dying#but then i see so many sick people with garbage diets just completely resist the suggestion that the solution could possibly be so simple#like what more can i do for you? i dont want you to be sick. YOU dont want you to be sick. what do you lose from just trying??#ugh i cant. im so. i know this is going to be my career path but god fucking damn if it isn't infuriating
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nagitoedit · 5 months
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looking at some of these people online are making me think it should be legal and even encouraged for me to kill these people with hammers.
#i dont even know how to insult these people like at this point i just straight up think they dont deserve life LAWL#like. look in the comments on most instagram videos and tell me there is no such thing as a worthless human#someone has an exotic cat breed and in the video says that they would not recommend this cat breed to Anyone because#this cat is very high maintenance and constantly begs to be left outside and shows some clips on this guy walking the cat on a leash#in an obviously urban area and the comments are like 'i live on a farm and i always let my cats outside youre cruel for locking her up'#and this person is having to explain a trillion times that if they let her off leash outside that She Will Be Stolen.#justoh my god. did you not see where this guy lives ?? she will either get hit by a car drink antifreeze or get stolen. what even#and thats just a milder example of someone whos just kinda willfully ignorant and stupid. there is sososo much worse stuff#i cant even begin to explain just how much i want these people to get dropped in the middle of the pacific ocean and left to die#i just genuinely dont think there is hope for these people to be honest like. theres just no way to describe them other than stupid#but its worse than stupid its worse than willful ignorance it has to be at this point just some kind of purposeful pure malice#towards the concept of humanity . there is just no way to get that stupid and deeply genuinely maliciously ignorant on accident#i feel like there is just. genuine unintended ignorance and then theres just pure malice. honestly even if it isnt the effect is the same#i think they should get killed with hammers
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timeisacephalopod · 1 year
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I can't believe marvel's civil war seriously tried to tell it's audience that a team of (mostly) Americans with superpowers should be able to act like an international military police force with zero legal oversight because 'Gubmint Bad' and I guess 12 people having no legal oversight to their actions as an international force is fine?? That has got to be some of the most fucked up copaganda I've ever watched, and frankly I was shocked at how many people I spoke to fully bought into it too.
Like really, you actually think a small group of people almost entirely from one country should be able to act as an international military intervention team with zero legal obligations? If you think about that for more than 5 seconds it should be obvious as to why that's a bad idea and why America specifically would think that's a good idea.
#winters ramblings#this movies thesis is literally so fucked up??? it straight up says cops shouldnt have oversight#and yall believed it hook line and sinker because you Really Like the guy dressed as an American flag#the other Real Fucked Up thing goes to tony starks line about privatizing world peace#i CANNOT think of a more fucked up thibg then that W H Y#besus that the movie had to work SO FUCKING HARD to make the accords sound like a bad idea#and when you need to write the accords SO BAD that they all go to jail with no trials as if ANY world leader#let alone MOST OF THE WORLD'S COUNTRIES would ever agree to that then you KNOW youre playing stupid#if your shit has to be THAT bad to seem like oversight isnt good then youre purposefully manipulating shit#in a way thats not useful and says nothing politically except that youre uninterested in nuance or accountability#but marvel is copaganda so of course it has to say Cops Are The Best They Dont Need Limits- see look the government is WORSE#because the Whole World just wants to yeam up on america for no reason whatsoever they dont have a history of invading#literally ANYONE they hate to fuck their ekections and install rught wing terriristsas leaders bc better than communists!!#no no thats not why anyone with a brain would support the accords lets make it SO DELIBERATELY BAD no one would support it#but we wint even MENTION any of that in the movie no no we dont need to do that in the movie all about#this fucking piece if legislation why would we do good proper storytelling with ACTUAL reaaons for why the accords suck#reminds me of the joker movie with how much had to be pulled to make the avengers sypmathetic there#if you have to pull your narrative that hard then your story fucking sucks and so do your politics
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birbtails · 17 days
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#gods#im .. in trouble this semester#which sucks bc i was doing so much better last semester#i stopped going to therapy!!#which i think i knew at the time was a Problem#but my therapist suggested it and i didn't want to but i couldn't come up with a better reason than im worried ill nosedive next semester#to be fair to me while i was feeling so much better i knew i wasnt .. stable i guess?#in her defense i can't tell anyone the whole truth even if my life was on the line#and by cant i mean some combination of wont dont want to and its instinctive#but the problem is im failing one of my classes and im at least a little bit suicidal and i havent told anyone really and gods i feel lonely#(and by a little bit suicidal i mean thinking of ways to kill myself 2 days ago. im feeling better now but i don't trust it)#(by feeling better i mean im not Actively thinking of methods but it definitely crosses my mind as a Possibility)#(although i guess its a bit less i want to die and a bit more i want someone to find me before i die and help me)#so anyways this semester might be replacing 10th grade as the worst year of my life#im just.. so tired#i don't want to keep living like this#and im sucking it up and making myself do better but i Hate this#and ive got to think about summer plans bc i don't want to go back to my parents house but i also Really want to bc i can see my brother and#maybe i can see my friends(?) and maybe if i tell my parents everything that's been going on theyll take care of me?#but i Really want to stay here bc i always regret going home and bc ive gotten used to living on my own and i really like all the freedom it#gives me?? but i need to get an internship or a job or something if i want to stay here but its So Late and now that im thinking about it im#worried that ill be so isolated here that ill feel worse? but if i get a therapist here then maybe itll be okay??#i don't know#and im almost done with my junior year and i don't know what i want to do with my future and#i just never thought id get this far yknow? i honestly thought i wasnt going to make it to 18 or college and now im almost 21 and so close#to graduating?? and i don't know how to face the rest of my life#im just tired and stressed and depressed#i just want a hug and a friend that i can tell everything to#ne ways im just tired and whiny and i need to suck it up and get groceries and do my hw
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hyperexplosion · 5 months
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#vent again just ignore please and thank you. chewing at my arm. ik why we have to wait till next year for me to get help i do know why and#i understand but it also just sucks. its at least helping though no matter what i just gotta hold on but i rly dont want to hold on anymore#id say i sound pathetic or worthless but im not. ik im not. talked about mental health with my best friend today snd idk made me so self#aware of myself i feel gross and ugly. i cant even look in mirror by how ugly i am. i want to drink. i really want to drink. it sucks.#ditched or the person seems bored.. there's no point lmai.#the craving sucks. im sleepin almost all day and than night fucking sucks. i should be sleeping now but i need to write my thoughts out or#i will feel worse i will feel so much worse snd i dont want to be a burden. i dont want to bother people. i hope when im like.. getting hel#and getting better i hope i can like idk not be afraid to ask people to vibe with me. maybe one day but im so scared amount i have been#and sorry tired of hearing same 'just do something distract yourself' yeah only so much a distraction is s distraction. i never felt this#low.. i never felt this low for months now. im so tired idk this week is busy maybe that will help. maybe decorating for my fav holiday wil#help my brain a little. than again why would she want me around. i think about how dad asked mom if i was okay on my birthday. is the facad#fading? are people catching on? i need to stop before i see my brother on friday. even my best friend noticed he hugged me but i didnt even#hug back i just leaned into him for awhile before moving away. i want to die. will i? no. i wont. im too scared. but i want to.#i can sleep now.#i think people should stop lying i hate liars i am not afraid to drop anyone that does.
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uzicel · 7 months
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#。 enchiridion#。 notes app#oh sweet fucking idiot. fucking lower than low fucking nothing of a person#no excuse for how completely and absolutely i am able to fuck up. i am here pitying myself instead of doing anything#fucking useless#and i wish i wasnt. nothing i am of use for and i can only whine about it!#how am i so able to fuck things up to instantaneously and fucking foolishly. fucking nothing person#it’s stupid. cause i’m not doing anything about it just typing this to look back at and be like Ah. that’s corny#i feel fucking awful and disgusting for anyone ever having to put up with me. including myself and here i am feeling sorry for myself again#but mostly everyone else. imagine having to deal with such incompetence for so little in return. i’m so sorry#all i fucking do is apologize and complain and cut and complain and apologize. imagine having to deal with this it isn’t worth it at all#and be corny. a lot of that being corny#i wish i had razor blades here. razor blades soon maybe i don’t like looking at em though.#sick of fucking thumbtacks. they’re probably worse for me right? i want to see blood . hardly getting any#i’m bitching so bad ok corny. i dont even deserve to sleep right? CORNY! i just want to sleep. want to sleep for fucking ever as an apology#to those who know me. imagine having to fucking know me. having to witness me fuck everything up and apologize like a fucking dweeb#i contribute so little to the lives of anyone around me its sorta disappointing right? opposite of impressive#i dont even deserve to 🔚it properly! never should have been born. not that itd make things easier for everyone. no effect on anybody’s life#being around me is a fucking chore. i know this its a fucking drain. i’m not just boring but a fucking drain and an active burden#as if people fucking think of me. too much credit i’m always giving myself
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toastsnaffler · 10 months
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nvm im too tired and overstimulated for this shit
#.vent#i only slept a couple hours last night man. i cant do short notice evening socials on an empty tank let alone resist unexpected rsd#if they had let me know earlier then i wouldve taken a nap and worked out beforehand to get my energy back up#idk just. if u rly want my company then maybe u should actually invite me next time. its not like they didnt plan it#even if they just forgot its not particularly pleasant to be the one person insignificant enough to forget abt. theres only 5 of us#they rly remembered to ask the one guy who isnt even here before me yknow. ugh u see the stupid thoughts i have to battle!!#like on a rational level ik it was probably genuinely accidental. but the way i instinctively react is not always rational#so regardless someone has to deal with the emotional fallout and thats me. regulating this shit is hard work even when im NOT tired asf#i really really dont want to be an asshole and spoil anyones fun bc its no-ones fault + as real as it feels to me rn ik im overreacting#but i cant voluntarily expose myself to personal triggers when im already exhausted + more vulnerable than usual#so just gotta shut myself in my room and deal with it in my own super healthy ways as per usual. may they never fucking find out#trying my best not to be an asshole i hope to fucking god they dont think im being an asshole i just told them i was tired + i meant it#this wouldnt be so much of a problem if it hadnt happened to me before. and also ik its bc one rsd trigger makes me more sensitive-#to picking up unrelated cues but there ARE other things they do that i find ostracising which rly dont fucking help. but-#theyre not things i can actually confront them abt so usually i just gotta deal w it which is fine but it lowers my general tolerance#its ok. its ok i like them all a lot theyre lovely ppl and it doesnt matter if there is a some grain of truth in the things im thinking#bc the risk of me believing + acting on a bad faith irrational thought leads to outcomes that are far worse than those from#misidentifying someones malicious behaviour towards me as neutral by accident/in good faith. okay im done now i think#just ignore me spewing out the old brain gunk on main again eurgh anyway im gonna go calm myself and read and SLEEP#ill be normal by tomorrow morning farewell comrades#honestly i dont mind dealing w shit this way bc its the best option for everyone but man. sometimes its so fucking lonely#like there are sides of me ppl will never engage with and for good reason but without them being acknowledged i find it rly hard to feel-#any real emotional intimacy or closeness with another person. but what other option is there#i sure as hell dont miss the fights i used to constantly get into when i wasnt able to regulate myself i lost so many friends that way#it is what it is. on we go for now
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shojoboy · 10 months
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i forgot there even was amovie about the torture + death of Sylvia Likens until now cuz im reading Elliott Page's memoir and like. what on earth possessed someone to make a movie out of that, really. why would anyone want to watch that.
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mx-paint · 1 year
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#honestly the way some people talk about the comic v show is. strange#like they say that some things ripped from the comic wont make sense bc 'theyre trying to make him more human'#when. comparing them it Does?????#like the show does actually go into it but just seeing a scene and going 'not from comic so doesnt make sense' like.#its not even just about 'not wanting to be cancelled for not/for doing x'#its more of some things actually Cant be shown#not just for horror reactions but somethings cant be shown like it is in comic. even in a movie#like claiming that theyre putting his ex lover in a worse position to make him justified when its. actually to the comic#like. lets be clear. he was fucked up for what he did#the falling in love part was his sibling trying to get him destroyed#and i dont think he would fall in love with someone that young on his own (or anyone at all That Fast)#esp since shes the youngest out of all of his lovers and the one to be sentenced in such a way#for his own pride#and claiming that he isnt at fault when he obviously is. is taking more than just a wrong message if everybody else can understand it#like it just seems like youre complaining that ots straight up not the comic#dont get me wrong the mcu and dcu suck and are literally Made by people that hate the comics#but this aint it and was worked on by the actual writer#my point is idk what theyre talking about when they say its not. making sense#when hes still in the wrong#like i love him and i know the story thats first told about them isnt completely accurate#but hes in the wrong. his siblings know it. he knows it.#but looking at a scene that Is from the comic in show as evidence that its. not. doesnt make sense#like he is sweeter in show but. yall aint. proving shit lmao
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lord-shitbox · 1 year
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ok maybe im literally insane
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