#i just gotta try to make it through these last 3 weeks with minimal damage

[tardis--dreams]

24 days left. I shouldn't be excited for this to be over soon but gotta be honest. Mental health wise not my best few months. Kinda glad to go home soon

[beyainica-blog]

Guess who’s in the 230’s?

A bit bittersweet considering I could have been this weight monday. But I will take it and stop beating myself up.

I am literally 9lbs away from the 220’s. 13 days left until valentines day.

My goal is to get to 220 on valentines. I mean I want to be lower but I will take that. I’m 18lbs away with 13 days left. I need to lose 1.4lbs a day for 13 days to get there. I think I can do it.

Lets start with the bad.

Heart?

Even though I only workout 7-14 mins every day I have been STRUGGLING to get through my workouts. Like it takes me an hour at the gym to complete 14 min workouts. I have no idea what it could be. It honestly could be a whole host of things. I had pneumonia last week, even if the virus is gone. I read that you will feel fatigue for weeks after. Also, I’m on a liquid diet, I’m going to be tired anyway. And on phentermine. My heart is literally racing which it didn’t before, just after pneumonia. Like during my workout I can feel my heart beat out my chest. I guess the caffiene doesn’t have a buffer because I don’t eat

I am extremely weak. At work I try my very best to hold it together. But I feel faint. Luckily it hasn’t been so busy so I don’t have too much to do but still. I’m lucky I have my powerade, it gives me a LITTLE energy and there is enough sugar to keep me standing. I honestly think I’m burning too many calories for not eating anything. Like I don’t count the calories I burn at work standing, I only count when I work out. But yes I do burn calories standing everyone does. Idk if I should shorten my workouts on days that I work. It would be pretty dumb of me to drive to the gym for a 4-5 min workout. It’s already stupid of me to drive there for a 7 min workout. But I will do it. Maybe not workout days I’m working. Idk. I’m losing weight rapidly. I don’t want to give up working out because I want to be toned by the end of it. All of this stress I’m putting myself in is taking a toll on my heart so I need to take it easy.

Take little steps to make it better.

1. Take phentermine AFTER my workouts. See if my heart beats less

If that works thats how I’ll do it. I only took phentermine before because it helped my energy. Thats when I was restricting with food not liquid.

To help with energy. HONESTLY. I don’t drink enough. I think I’m cute and dainty when I don’t finish my powerades because I never do. Like not on purpose I just dont feel like it. Powerade is the only source for electrolytes for me. So I HAVE to drink it. Electrolyte imbalance can also affect heart rate. Honestly I don’t drink powerade or enough electrolyte water which I special order and have been since my water fast. My regime should be to drink a litre of electrolyte water and a whole powerade. Thats enough electrolytes I feel. Tommorow, I’m bringing my 50fl ounces Assentia water that I got for .79 cents which is normally $3. I am drinking that entire thing. You know what I can start doing drinking my water in the car. On my way to work start on it. Don’t start at work. Its less stress to finish. Start finishing my water before I even touch my powerade.

I have to bear with the weakness. I’m fine somewhat its not unbearable yet. I feel the most exhausted after work. I feel like because I’m in a public setting my body just knows to keep it together. I hope I don’t faint until I’m in the 180’s at least. I won’t be THAT heavy but still a complete fat ass.

I plan to keep this liquid diet going. If I become overwhelmed the first thing I will stop is exercise. Even though the workouts are short af. Thats the first thing to go. On days I don’t work. If the problem continues I may have to alternate. One day liquid. One day 500 calories + exercise. I want to be skinny but I want to be alive with minimal damage. Eating isnt binging. Binging is ordering 16 tenders and an X large pizza from Papa Johns with chocolate and a litre of coke. I didn’t plan to eat at all during feburary, but you bet your ass I will if I ABSOLUTELY have too. Honestly I feel like it would make the weight loss faster. Eating 500 is higher than what my body is accustomed to now, so my metabolism will get faster. Like I said, only when I feel like I HAVE to I will eat. The worst thing is having to exercise everything off. Thats what I hated the most about restricting. I love on this liquid diet I only have to workout 7-14 mins a day. Imagine. 14 mins of exercise to burn off a powerade. 5 chicken tenders at 108 calories each would take 32 mins. Thats insane. But at least I’ll have the energy for it.

I am addicted to this FAST weightloss though. I woke up at 240lbs honestly. After work I was 238lbs exactly. We love flunctuations.

Sweating

I have always been a sweater. Like this is genetics. Even when I was younger and skinnier I sweat. But as I’ve gotten bigger I notice that I sweat ALOT more. Its so fucking emberrassing. I’m so scared at work. Literally was getting slight vagina sweat. I can’t even think about it. Everyone will think my vagina is diseased. Its just sweat. I wear a waist trainer. 1. To hide my belly. 2. So it can catch my back sweat. It only goes to my back so I have to wear a tank top under neath. I don’t have a good one because I refuse to spend money on it. Maybe I should start wearing my sports bras and tank until I lose a bit of weight. I started wearing a long sleeve to hide my bat arms but I get so over heated its not even funny. Like I start to sweat everywhere. Yeah having three articles of clothes will make anyone sweat. Of course the heater is on in the resturant I work at because its winter. Mix that with running around to tend to guests you have a sweaty bitch. Being fat doesnt help at all. Neither does being gentically proned to sweat. It makes it 10x worse. So I had to take off my longsleeve at work today because I just clocked in and vacuumed and could already feel the sweat accumulate. AND I JUST GOT THERE. I said nah.

But I guess good news my work shirt is a lot bigger on me, hides my bat arms better than before. The only thing I hate is you can still see my stretch marks on my arms. But they have cleared a bit, it use to be deep ridges in my arm but I lost almost 70lbs. When I get to 200lbs I don’t think they will be there anymore. I’m certain by 180lbs they won’t I bet my life.

My work uniform is black so that makes it worse though I’m thank ful. Today I had to shave my vagina and armpits to stop the sweat some what. Only to wear polyester under wear because again. I don’t wear underwear and I refuse to buy them unless they’re a medium or small. Right now large gives me wedgies so maybe I can fit into a M/L idk but I gotta get more under wear don’t have a choice because I can’t work without underwear. You know Idk if its because I had pneumonia, or if its the phentermine, or if its the liquid diet. But weeks before I didnt sweat this much. I went to work frequently without underwear. I wore my long sleeve shirt no problem. Now its a problem. Sweat can also be caused by fighting an infection. Maybe I’m still fighting the pneumonia. The thing about pneumonia is even after the virus is eliminated by antibiotics its still going to kick your ass for a few weeks. Fatigue and cough

Another thing is I move so fast at work by the time I get back to my post I’m sweating its good but, bad at the same time

Weight is still an issue and why I sweat so much so this is just an incentive to lose more weight.

Goals

I see my doctor on the 22nd or 23rd a week after valentines. I hope to be 209 or lower. By then and if I can keep on this diet I think I can. Last time I was there I was 254 (260 on their scale) so 209 will be a PLEASANT suprise and they will be very happy. Thats a 51lb weight loss and thats ALOT of weight. They will literally worship my feet and give me more phentermine they’ll give me anything I want. Though I gotta do blood work so thats like $168 but its okay it has to be done I understand. I made alot this pay period and the only thing I have to pay is, registration, tax, inspection, gym $10, mom and buy more water and powerade. I should have like $200 left. If not I deffo get paid again the 15th of this month. The 2nd of March. (The day after my cheat day) so my cheat day is on a thursday. Good. Maybe I’ll push it to saturday. Or the day I’m off. Definetly want to be out of the 200’s by the end of feburary thats my top goal.

Valentines day

I hope I’m not hyping it for nothing. I hope I get something from someone.

If I lose 2lbs for the next 13 days I’ll be 212lbs on valentines. (Could have been 207)

If I lose 1.5lbs for the next 13 days. I’ll be 218lbs (could have been 213)

If I lose 1lb a day for the next 13 days I’ll be 225lbs (could have been 220 exactly)

I hope I lose at least 1.5lbs a day consistently. So far I been losing 2-3lbs everyday. 3lbs mostly I would love to lose 3lbs a day for 13 days that would be EXCELLENT. That would put me at 199lbs exactly (could have been 194) imagine if that actually happened. I would DIE. I’m 39lbs away from getting out of the 200’s I’m excited. I just hope I’m losing weight for a reason. Honestly lose 1kg a day is reasonable I eat less than 300 calories a day, and I bet you my starting weight was more than this girl whoever she is. If I get to 199lb by valentines. Bitch. I will be 180lb by the end of feburary. Plateau nor metabolism will stop me.

Boss

Lately I noticed that every time I go to work I work with my one manager that likes me. I can tell he likes me because the other manager which is his friend is always around. They giggle and stare at me. He makes the schedule so that I only work with him. Its kind of cute. I like how I make him shy. But sometimes I get flustered. He catches me off guard. He walks REALLY slow towards me its kind of nerve racking. I purposely dont look at him because its emberrassing. He keeps coming up to me but saying ABSOLUTELY nothing. Adorable.

Jeans

I really wanted to wear size 9 jeans, on valentines. But it wasnt because of my binge. I dont think I was going to fit in them anyway until I get to 180’s but its okay.

My size 16 wide are so fucking loose. The day they fall off my body is the day I stop wearing them period. Until then we gon wear it sis.

Belly

Despite the weightloss I don’t think my bell has been affected at all granted. I’ve only lost like 15lbs I just dont see it in my stomach which is my first problem area. I hope by valentines day at, atleast 212lbs it will reduce. Seriously I’m tired of looking at it. When I was in college at 22, I was 213 and my stomach was FLAT. I remember because I weighed myself. So these next 26lbs better be fucking good to me or I’m FIGHTING. A pound of fat in terms of physical is huge. On the scale its nothing. I’m tired of having a pouch in my jeans. I’m tired of looking at it hang. It needs to go. Arms next. At 180lb I better not see a fucking bat wing in sight.

[buckyscrystalqueen]

I Got You: Part 6

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Swearing, angst, HYDRA abuse, violence, brainwashing after affects

Word Count: 3,848

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So what do you remember?” Dr. Banner asked you as he ran his tests. You glanced over at Bucky, seeking permission to answer. You had been doing it all day without even realizing you were. It didn’t go unnoticed by the people around you. Bruce looked back at Tony as Bucky gave you the smallest nod of permission to give the most minimal answer possible.

“Him.” You said softly as you pointed your free hand toward the man sitting on the bed next to you. “They wanted me to be like him.” You folded your hands in your lap as Bruce finished drawing blood. The doctor looked up at you, waiting for more but you gave nothing. You weren’t supposed to; those were the rules.

“What do you mean they want you to be like him?” Tony asked through the speakers in the room. Your eyes didn’t even meet Bucky’s face completely before he gave the smallest shake of his head. You knew why they wanted you to be like Bucky. It was a memory that had come back to both of you the week before but apparently it wasn’t one that needed to be shared. You knew better than to speak out of turn so you looked back down at your hands and shrugged.

“Someone find Cap.” Tony said angrily. “I’m done playing this damn game.” You heard the click of his shoes walking away as Bruce began taking blood from Bucky. 

“Someone did a real number on you two.” Bruce said, more to himself than to either of you or the nurses that were starting up the machines on the far side of the room. “You were such a beautiful light here, (Y/N). I used to look…” His words were choked off by Bucky’s metal hand wrapping around his neck. Your eyes shot up and you let out a throaty whine.

“Don’t speak to her.” Bucky said as you whined again. His blue eyes found yours and he let go of Bruce. The man fell to the floor coughing as the woman frantically called for any of the Avengers over the facilities’s speakers. You hopped off the bed, grabbed Bucky’s hand and pulled him back over to your bed.

“It’s OK.” You told him as you pulled out the full tube of blood and the needle from his arm. You set them down on the table as the doors opened up behind you.

“What happened?” A voice you sort of recognized demanded as the man it belonged to walked into the room. You and Bucky both turned to look at him.

“Steve.” Bucky sighed behind you as he wrapped an arm around your waist. You knew he was feeling the same feeling you were; the need to capture this person and bring him back. To do your new job. “We’ll only speak with you.” He said as he slid you back on the bed. You got on your knees and kneeled behind him to watch the man as your hands wrapped under Bucky’s arms and rested on his shoulders. You were both fighting with yourself and each other to keep the slightly saner portion of your mind in charge.

“Not here.” You whispered to Bucky as you looked at all the faces watching you. “Outside.” He tapped your thigh in acknowledgement.

“Can I trust you both, Buck?” Steve asked as he looked at the doctor on the floor who was literally looking a little green. You both nodded as he looked back up at you. With a small sigh, he nodded. “Alright. Let’s go outside.” Your brow furrowed slightly before you remembered how good your own hearing was. The two of you got off the bed and followed Steve out a different door as Tony called after him. You and Bucky kept your holds on the other tight as you followed him down a short hall and through a door that lead outside.

“They turned her into a super soldier.” Bucky said once the three of you were a decent ways away from the building. “They figured out a way to separate the serum from my blood and gave it to her. They literally made her my property…”

“We’re here for you.” You said softly. “I know he can feel it as much as I can. You are our mission.”

“A mission neither of us want to complete.” Bucky told him. The men looked at each other as Bucky put his hand on the small of your back and pulled you forward; silently giving you permission to speak freely.

“We just want ourselves back. We want to remember how we met…” You said as you pressed your back against his chest.

“If we ever kissed, or made love… two things we didn’t want to do when we couldn’t remember ourselves if we hadn't before.”

“If we even love each other…” You whispered, your voice cracking as you looked up at Bucky while tears filled your eyes. “Or if our feelings toward each other are just artificial side effects to…” 

“You did love each other.” Steve interrupted. You both looked over at him and he gave you a small smile. “You hadn’t said it yet but we all saw it. You hadn’t kissed and as far as I know hadn’t slept together either. You shared a room here, though, this isn’t where you met.” He gestured to the building you had just come out of. “You two met five years before we found her.” Steve said as he pointed at you. You smiled, finally getting some kind of answers as you laced your fingers with Bucky’s.

“Is there a way to give us those memories back and get me to stop controlling her every move?” Bucky asked as he crossed his arms over your body.

“There is. It’s how we got through your brainwashing the first time.” Steve told the pair of you. “We can’t do it here, yet. We don’t have the technology for it. We have to go to Wakanda.”

——

“So they made you a super soldier, too.” Sam said as he, Nat, and Clint sat across the training room from you while you waited to hear back from T’Challa, the King of Wakanda. You gave a half nod as you munched on a carrot stick in your bubble of safety in-between Bucky’s legs on the gym floor. “Oh, come on. You gotta show us.” 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Natasha said as your eyes danced between the group. Bucky didn’t move other than to grab himself another carrot stick from the bag on your lap you had brought with you from your home away from home.

“Oh, what’s the worst that could happen?” Sam said as he looked over at Nat. “Neither of them have said a word so maybe getting a little fight going…” You felt Bucky chuckle silently against your back.

“If she is a super soldier, she’ll kick your ass.” Nat said.

“Oh, I��m not fighting her! She could kill me with those freaky powers on a good day.” You hid the smirk on your face as you twitched your fingers the slightest bit. You watched Sam’s arm lurch in the air by the metal on his watch for a split second before falling back down. You were about to do it again as the group laughed but Bucky subtly bumped you in the back with his chest. Like a scolded child, you sank back against him, ducked your head and went back to your carrot sticks.

“See, she cheats.” Sam said as he gestured over to you.

“It’s so weird.” Clint said quietly to Natasha as he watched you act so submissively. “I don’t think I have ever seen her so quiet…”

“Leave ‘em alone, guys. They’re dealing with some stuff.” Steve said as he walked into the training room. He crouched down beside you and Bucky and held out two bottles of water. “Figured you might be thirsty.” With a slight tap of permission, you reached out and took yours with a small ‘thank you.’

“You think they will be able to fix that?” Nat asked in regards to your submissive behavior to Bucky.

“We have no idea what they can fix same as the last time… but we will do our best to get our friends back.” He spoke more to Bucky then the rest of the group and you felt your partner nod appreciatively.

“Hey Steve… get them to fight. I wanna see what she can do.” Sam said, receiving a whack on the arm from Natasha. 

“If he wants to see it that bad tell him to get in the ring.” Bucky told Steve. You looked up at him, questionably and he shrugged. “He’s got a mouth on him.” You smirked and nodded.

“I’d be interesting.”

“Well, I’m actually curious myself. What do you say to an actual fair fight instead?” You glanced over at him before looking up at Bucky for an answer. He looked down at you, running through the scenarios in his head.

“Fight her outside. Less to damage.” You nodded and finished your carrot stick as you got up off the floor.

“Someone find Stark… quickly.” Steve said as you tucked your snack into your bag.

“Make me proud.” Bucky mumbled to you as he gently pushed you toward the doors that lead outside.

“Wait she’s fighting Cap? Alright!” Sam said as he followed you and Bucky outside. Once you got in to the field out front, you turned and waited as your little group collected outside of the door. You kept your eyes on Bucky at the bottom of the ramp, waiting for the go ahead as Steve got ready in front of you. You kept your hands folded in front of you while Sam started placing bets and Tony practically ran outside. You watched Bucky give you the slightest of nods before you looked back at Steve.

“Try to keep up.” You told him softly before you struck. He stumbled from the flat footed right hook you threw and the group ‘oh’ed’ loudly. You took a half step back and planted your feet as you blocked his returning punch. You barely had to use any force to make your blocks; this was nothing like fighting Bucky. 

“Come on… give her a little something, don’t be scared to hit a girl.” Bucky called out when you landed another hit. Steve shook his head and laughed.

“Then you do it. I don’t wanna hurt her.” Bucky rolled his eyes as he finally walked over.

“Trust me. You won’t.” You blocked his first punch easily but missed the second one to your stomach that sent you flying backwards. You rolled to your feet as Steve quickly got out of the way. With a cocky smile, you flicked his arm back as a distraction while you ran toward him. You tackled him to the ground and went to slam your fist into his face. 

“Nice try.” He chuckled as he wrapped his legs around your upper body and yanked you back. You twisted out of it and rolled to one knee.

“Show off.” You grumbled as you launched him back over your head by your feet in his stomach. You spun just a hair too slow and he grabbed your arm. He twisted it behind your back and you yelped at the suddenness of it.

“Don’t cheat!” He snapped as he felt his grip on your arm loosen. You growled, stopped using your abilities and reached behind you. You grabbed his thigh and yanked. He fell backwards and let go of your arm as you dragged him around in front of you on his side. You both got a few good hits in before he rolled away. You took the half second for him to get back up to do a fast back walk over so you could stand up a short distance away from him. You got two more solid hits in before he caught you around the middle and slammed you to the ground. You rolled out of the way of his punch and knocked his leg out from under him.

“Give up yet, honey?” You asked quietly as you straddled him, using your legs to pin his down. He swung his fist up toward you and you leaned back away from it with a small laugh. You grabbed his wrist with your hand and used your powers to pin the other hand by his head. “That a yes?” He scowled as you tilted your head slightly.

“Cheater.” You smiled as you moved your legs and stood up, pulling him up with him. He leaned forward so your noses nearly touched and pointed at you angrily. “You need to remember to watch your back and keep your guard up.” He scolded as you clasped your hands together behind your back. “I go easy on you, remember that. The enemy won’t.” You nodded as he put his hand on your shoulder blade and moved you partially behind him. You looked back at the group and your brow furrowed. Most of them were stunned and talking away about the way you now fought but Steve looked… scared.

“Why is he scared of me?” You asked softly as you stepped up and pressed yourself against Bucky’s back. Bucky remained silent as he studied his friend’s face.

“When did she learn Russian?” Nat called out. Your brow furrowed as you looked up at Bucky.

“When they had her.” He replied.

“Wait, I know Russian?” You asked. He glanced down at you with his eyebrow raised.

“Baby, you are speaking Russian right now and you understood that question. They must have trained you in it to make it easier for me and them. You know Romanian, German, Spanish and Italian too. We both switch back and forth all the time.”

“You’re kidding me… huh.” You saw his eyes light up in a smile that didn’t show on his face as he looked at the confused look you had.

“You didn’t realize you were speaking different languages?”

“Not once. It all sounded like English to me.” He bobbed his eyebrow and huffed a laugh as Natasha passed on the fact that you didn’t know you could now speak multiple languages to the confused onlookers.

“We got the clear to head to Wakanda.” Tony called out. You took ahold of Bucky’s hand and followed him and the rest of the group back inside. 

“Do you realize it when we switch?” You whispered, wondering if you were speaking English or a different language. Bucky nodded as he grabbed your backpack off the training room floor and handed it to you. He didn’t say anything else so you remained quiet as you headed for the jet.

“That was seriously cool.” Sam said as he came up and draped his arm over your shoulders. The comfortability he had told you he had done it before but the reaction wasn’t one he expected. You dropped Bucky’s hand and slammed the heel of your palm into Sam’s stomach as Bucky punched him in the jaw simultaneously. You knew right away, that ‘normal (Y/N)’ wouldn’t react like that. You had just enough time to grab Bucky’s arm after he threw Sam across the training room as the group around you began to shout to try to get control.

You knew better but you still moved yourself in front of Bucky and placed both hands on his chest. You could feel him shaking with rage as he glared daggers at the man who touched you. You gave him a small whine to get his attention as you dragged your finger along his chin. His eyes found yours and he wrapped his arms around you, protectively holding you to his chest.

“Hey easy, Buck.” Steve said as he came to stand between the two of you and Sam. “It’s alright, he didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Mine.” Bucky growled as he cradled your head to his chest and took a step back. “I have to protect her…”

“I know, man. I get it.” Steve said as he held his hands up. “I won’t let him do it again.” You looked back at Steve as Clint heaved Sam’s unconscious body up off the floor. The humane part of you felt bad but the new soldier in you wanted to finish the job like you were supposed to. 

“Let’s get you two on the jet to go, alright.” Natasha said as she walked over to you with her hands raised in surrender. Bucky moved you out of her reach, even though she, along with everyone else now knew better than to touch you. Steve and Nat both waited for Bucky’s response. With the slightest bob of his head, he shifted you to his side and wrapped his arm around your waist. You held his shirt in your hand as you followed after Steve, Tony and Nat.

“We gotta fix this.” Steve said to Tony as they led you onto the Quinjet. Bucky guided you to the chairs in the back corner of the plane as Tony nodded and looked over at you. 

“I just hope it’s possible. We can’t afford to lose either or both of them to HYDRA.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

“The process is long but we will be sedating them.” The Wakandan doctor explained to Steve and Tony as nurses hooked you and Bucky up to various wires. You had already listened to the entire process of how they were going to essentially hack your minds to unlock the rest of your memories, and override the new soldier programing. “It took a week for the soldier the first time around. We don’t expect the same length of time this time as they weren’t gone more than six months.”

“What’s the likelihood of success?” Steve asked. You looked up at Bucky who was sitting on a hospital bed right across from you.

“88%.” The man said simply. You felt like you wanted to cry as you looked into Bucky’s blue eyes. As the nurse stepped away to grab something, you jumped off your bed and moved to the other one. You heard the nurses and the doctor all start to protest as you sat down next to your owner.

“Leave them. Trust me, you’ll regret it if you don’t.” Tony said. Being careful of the wires that surrounded both your bodies, Bucky wrapped his metal arm around your waist and pulled you into his side.

“I love you.” You looked up at him as tears welled in your eyes. “I need you to know that.”

“I love you, too.” You whispered back. It was the first time either of you said it but it was still absolutely perfect.

“Lie down.” One of the nurses said; her accent thick and almost incomprehensible. A couple other nurses made sure none of the wires became unattached or tangled as the two of you laid down on your side on the too small bed. Neither of you minded as you grabbed on to each others hands in-between your bodies. You kept your eyes on his as the lead nurse put a metal halo with more wires on each of your heads.

“This is to help you sleep through the process since we are incapable of putting you both in cryosleep for such a short period.” The doctor said as he reached between the two of you to get to your IV’s. You watched as Bucky’s eyes watched the man before looking back at you. You felt the drug seep through your veins quickly. As you began to drift off, you reached up and touched your fingertips to Bucky’s cheek. He moved quickly and kissed you as his hand gripped your neck. You felt tears sting your eyes for only a moment before sleep claimed you both; the last conscious feeling you had was your lips on his for the first time.

—— 

You were sitting in a white, padded room and for some reason, it felt familiar. You got up too look around as a pulse of electricity rolled through your body.

“Bucky?” You called out as you pressed against the walls to find a door. You must have hit some kind of button because you heard a screen lower behind you. You turned toward the noise and saw a sort of home movie of your mother. You smiled at the memory and leaned back against the wall as you fondly remembered the skiing trip to the mountains that was playing for you. As the movie shifted into another one, you slid down on the floor to watch. Each time the movie changed, you felt the same pulse of electricity. 

After a couple hours, the home movies stopped and turned into ones of you by yourself. You then realized they were memories. You watched for hours as you figured out your powers: learning how to use them; how to control them. You smiled at the memory of the first building you accidentally knocked down after burning yourself with a curling iron. You remembered that, to this day, you never used one again.

Then you got to hours of Bucky. The first time you met him in Italy. You thought he was trying to kill you so you pinned him under a car to get away. You chuckled at the montage of cat and mouse you had played throughout the years. Germany, Columbia, Spain, Mexico, Cuba, Canada, Japan, Paris, Scotland, Portugal, Egypt, Morocco, Monaco... all the places you had traveled; followed closely by your shadow. You smiled fondly as a voice began to speak in your ear.

“He’s your lover, not your owner. You are not a killer.” The voice said softly as the movie began playing more intimate moments. Your countless movie nights and your late night talks. The voice repeated itself over and over as your first mission with the Avengers played back. You could feel your chest tighten slightly as it shifted to the memory from Stark tower. But that tightness didn’t go away as the couple missions after the first played back. You stood up and dug your nails into the wall to balance yourself. You tried to look away from the video but you couldn’t.

“No, stop!” You cried out as your hand wrapped around something on the wall. The voice got louder as the electric pulses became stronger. You kept watching the tape; gasping for air. The room seemed to close in on you as the movie changed to the months of torture HYDRA inflicted on you.

“Wait! I don’t…” You held on tightly as the images sped up. The voice shouted its message over a loud, fast beeping. Panic ripped through your body as you watched the man you love be beaten, abused and tortured in front of you.

“James!” You screamed as the walls closed in on you. The movie quickly played through to the end and as you watched yourself lay down next to Bucky in that hospital bed, everything went black.

Part 7

[anxiety-trademark]

The week in review:

Raw 10/26 NXT 10/28 NXT UK 10/29 Smackdown 10/30

Raw:

Wonder what 19/11 means.

...Arsenic??... What in the-- WHY IS SHE SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

Boy y’all really nailed home how agonizing his suffering was before he died. My head hurts, this show is demented.

My god there are legitimately 2 of these psychopaths now.

wwe production should give Alexa’s voice a reverb effect whenever she says “let him in”

Girl is actually laughing hysterically while Bray ruthlessly murders Rambling Rabbit. Goodbye.

This act works so much better as a duo, Alexa was right in requesting to work with Bray.

kekekek Shayna makes a list of women she wants on her Survivor Series team; Nia snags the list and sees she’s not on it. Whose idea was this tag team? Need to know who I’m sending a fruit basket to.

Appreciate Mandy clarifying that Otis and her are still close, but I don’t understand why wwe separated them.

What is with everyone wearing black??

Lmfao this man really tried giving his rose to Shayna SIR PLZ. He had a better chance giving it to Sonya lesbireal.

Dana actually having a decent speaking segment. Half point.

“I feel like this is a joke. Is this like punk’d? Are we-- are we getting punk’d?” Nia came to entertain tonight.

Why can’t wwe just implement GMs again? Love Adam Pearce but he’s literally just playing the role of GM. Just keep them in the background with the mere purpose of cohesion. Good example: Paige. Bad example: Corbin.

This actually makes sense. You have the tag champs automatically being added, cuz duh, and the tag team who are undefeated since forming and moving to Raw. So have the 5th team member fight for the spot. I don’t hate that at all. At least there’s logic being applied.

I will never not hate Peyton’s theme. Yikes.

WHAT THE FUCK IS NIKKI CROSS’ NEW THEME LMFAO why are we throwing some bland, midwest country rock track with such a slow tempo at her??!? oof rip. Sucks for Nikki that Alexa wanted something more for her career but one could not possibly blame her, so.

ahahahaha I just noticed Nia took Byron’s seat. She’s so fucking funny.

Look if y’all are gonna do the move where someone lifts you over the top rope to set you on the apron, FUCKING JUMP FOR THEM. They’re not supposed to dead lift you.

Nice kick to Nikki by Lana; sloppy vault over the top rope. It’s kay, she isn’t even the worst one in this match lesbihonest.

Lacey gets Nikki in position for a suplex off the top rope, and Peyton - as quick as can be - jumps in to throw Lacey in a German suplex. That was smooth with very minimal set up. Points.

So Lana steals the win by pinning Nikki and the camera pans to all 4 team members looking absolutely shook. I am dying.

Interesting to see them focus on Peyton’s disappointment.

aaaaand rip Lana for the 6th time.

Such a jarring remix of Alexa’s song.

I know y’all are super weird and choose to sexualize/fetishize everything that you don’t understand, but I appreciate Alexa’s new persona. It’s like Firefly Funhouse characters meets Disney themed characters (which is core to Alexa) meets Harley Quinn. It’s a fitting cosplay with fitting demeanors. So if y’all could quit talking about ageplay like a bunch of weirdos, that’d be great.

Alexa and I are the same age and tbh I’m kind of shook on her behalf to see her share these segments and storylines with Randy Orton. Like I was a kid watching his feud with triple h. We were mere preadolescent kids lol. Good for her.

I like that she’s immune to Fiend’s name now that she’s fully embraced him become brainwashed.

Omg she’s just sitting on the turnbuckle laughing at them.

So Fiend is just a looming threat to Orton rn? Just letting Orton know that eventually he’ll have to answer for the fire he started all those years ago? I wasn’t here for Bray’s run back then so I’m kind of trying to piece this all together. Anyway fine segment. I don’t much care about Drew vs Orton but I appreciate Orton selling the intensity of the Fiend. He’s a good worker.

Highlight: Completely split between Nia being hilarious & Alexa being creepy as hell

---

NXT:

Well at least they’re keeping Ember backstage for her promos. That’s an improvement.

True, Dakota as a babyface was awful. Not sorry. Her character consisted of “scared” and “sad”... That’s it.

Big fan of the set for nxt tonight.

It’s so rare to see someone handle Rhea, what a nice dynamic.

These 2 are best friends irl, aren’t they? Enjoyable to watch them go punch for punch back and forth. If nothing else, they’re definitely selling that they’re pretty evenly built.

True though, Rhea does have her athleticism going for her. Rhea’s kicks are a beautiful thing to see. Soccer player ftw.

Really like this match. It’s cool to see the range of different matches Rhea can have. It’s not often you see her in an underdog type of role, and you wouldn’t think she could thrive as one, but it works for her just the same as being a dominant powerhouse. Shouldn’t be surprised though, her vs Charlotte at wm was a banger, and Charlotte was definitely the dominant force in that match.

Commentators said Rhea’s inverted cloverleaf has tapped out “many” superstars in nxt, and I just wanna know who? Cuz I have zero recollection of such.

Good showing for Raquel. Gave zero shits about her prior to this. She’s always just been the Diesel to Dakota’s Shawn Michaels.

GREAT counter by Rhea from the one armed powerbomb into nearly a headscissors takedown.

This match is very well paced.

Oh yes, that’s the type of match that easily could’ve gone longer and left me wanting more, which is a hell of a compliment. I underestimated how good this would be.

Wow they’re having Poppy rob us of Io’s theme song? For shame.

So how does the wheel actually work? Do they really not get a chance to plan out their stip matches? That’s weird. I love it, but it’s weird. Is it rigged? It’s gotta be rigged, right?

Love the black and orange themed ladders.

lmao Candice’s reaction to the bag of body parts. Fantastic.

Did Candice hit Io in the face with a laptop?? Honestly, points.

Lol chalk outlines on the tables. The theme is great.

Oh man, a moonsault straight onto chairs. rip Io’s midsection.

Wicked suplex onto the sitting chair, oof. Looked like Io clipped that.

Meteora into a steel ladder, which then fell on Io. She taking a beating lol.

Commentators mentioning Johnny counter: 3

Kinda cool spot twisting Candice’s ankle in a chair. Of course, it’s not like Candice sold the damaged ankle anyway, so.

Swinging neckbreaker through the tables - a spot that would’ve been great if the commentators had actually sold it and there was a real crowd.

idk who the hell is helping Candice, but I think it’s just fantastic that Shotzi came in to stop them.

“LeRae can’t reach,” as if this match wouldn’t have been over if she would’ve just climbed up one single ring.

Welp Candice is dead now. Fell off the top of the ladder through another ladder. Nasty landing. rip. 

Brutal match, but it still wasn’t better than their first match. At least Candice did work and this wasn’t boring unlike their last takeover match. Points for the damage they caused to their bodies, eesh.

Highlight: Rhea vs Raquel

---

NXT UK:

Oh nice UK added some monitors. Good for them, even if the stream quality is kinda poor.

I like this match up. Dani Luna is an athletic powerhouse, and Valkyrie is an athletic technician. This is more the type of quality match that I’d expect on the MR - minus the storytelling/performance aspect, but that’s okay.

Really appreciate Luna’s strength for how small she seems.

Valkyrie is fun to watch. Her arm drag takedowns and counters are entertaining.

Damn Valkyrie can do a springboard cross body and a pele kick as well? What an intriguing skillset she has.

Holy shit that snap German suplex by Dani was effortlessly CLEAN.

I’m not big on Dani’s look tbh. I feel like she’d be more of a standout if her hair was a different color. I don’t think blue works for her, personally.

An interesting finisher by Valkyrie... I don’t hate it. I’m all for the result, though. Good show of respect between both competitors. Wouldn’t mind watching them again in the future.

Current day has KLR still as champion (#foreverchampion) but I’m guessing they’re really gonna have Piper be the one to inevitably end it. Should be Valkyrie as far as I’m concerned. Even if she’s trash on the mic - not saying she is cuz I have no idea - she’s super entertaining to watch.

Highlight: Dani Luna vs Valkyrie

---

Smackdown:

New year, same old Nattie trying to be the Survivor Series captain.

Billie Kay is entertaining but wbk.

Bianca, ma’am, you JUST started going here. Calm down.

“Bianca nobody really cares, or knows, what EST means, it’s totally irrelevant. I’m the boat.” lmao I genuinely love Nattie, not sorry.

SHE CLAPPED AT HER goodbye. Give me a Bianca vs Nattie match, entertain me plz.

Ah a triple threat? That’s fine I suppose, what the hell.

Why does wwe keep depriving me of Bianca’s entrance? I hate this company.

Billie Kay: *jumps in the ring to catch Bianca in a random pinfall; fails; proceeds to leave the ring once more*

Billie Kay really is a special level of awful, but at least she has character work going for her.

Good cover by Bianca to set up the basement dropkick by Nattie to break up the pin.

Boy Bianca sure did take her time breaking up that sharpshooter. You got both Nattie and Billie Kay screaming and she’s in lala land lmao.

I will genuinely cry if they ever change Bianca’s music, I stg. Good for her btw. Appropriate result.

What’s the purpose of the polaroid camera?

Soo did they basically give Carmella the layout of Sasha’s gimmick while turning Sasha babyface? Is that what’s going on? What rules is Carmella making? What shots is she calling? Why does this girl have champagne? You know who would rock the “fuck y’all I’m rich, look at my Gucci and diamonds” gimmick? The Ice Queen, Charlotte Flair.

What an adorably tiny cross.

Carmella you’re not really known for winning, but alright.

Hate this music btw.

Lol this fucking chair. Okay.

“Long time rivalry renewed” didn’t Asuka and Sasha have a minor feud a mere 5 months ago? That lasted one month?? Is that considered long time now???

Sasha’s makeup is off key ngl. I hate that outfit as well.

Yes, yes she was your best friend and that was really sad, but you’re not saying anything different than you have before. And you’re STILL not likeable. But hey, I’m happy for you all the same, now be as entertaining as Bayley plz.

“The whole world knows that you can win a championship, but even you know that you can’t hang onto one. Unlike me.” pppffffttttt she’s not wrong.

Who do I gotta pay to permanently separate you 2? hiac was great, let’s end the debacle now plz.

“You made me sign that hiac contract under duress,” THANK YOU BAYLEY see someone knows their legal jargon. 

Peep that gnarly bruise on Bayley’s arm. Whew.

She’s so annoying lmao.

“Backstabbing bitches never win,” hi, Sasha? Longest reigning Raw women’s champion, first ever wm main eventer, first ever women’s dual world champion, face of the company, cover of espn and 2k20 Becky Lynch just called; said that is absolutely not true.

Highlight: Bianca, Billie Kay & Natalya backstage segment

---

*Raw shined the brightest this week, but I have to shout out NXT as well for their 2 matches, particularly Rhea vs Raquel.

[serpent-jugheadjones]

The Partner Revealed - Part 1

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9

Description: When Jughead Jones can't sleep and ends up furthering his investigation on the murder of Jason Blossom, he ends up having an unexpected night with an acquaintance. 

Warnings: None I can think of

Word count: 1061

A/N: I know this gif is not at night, but it fits so well. Let me know if you’d like more parts for this. I am already working on a second one. Huge thanks to @jugheadxreaderinyourhead for the title, the description and all your patience 💕

Lying in bed he looks at the clock on the small improvised bedside table. 1.17 am. He turns his eyes to the ceiling again. He’s used to sleepless nights, but this in unlike any other. Too many questions left unanswered. Knowing he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep, he decides to try and answer them.

He gets up with his destination settled: Sweet Water River. “There’s gotta be something they missed”, he thinks as his feet guide him automatically through the streets, letting his mind wander free, thinking up every scenario, every suspect.

He reaches the edge of the river, where Jason Blossom’s body was found, getting down to his knee in order to get a closer look. He realizes the idea to look for clues in the dead of night may not have been the smartest one. His hand travels to his back pocket and draws his phone out to turn the flashlight on, hoping it would shed some light into the situation.

“You’re not gonna find anything.” He strangles a frightened scream and turns the light to whoever also had the brilliant idea to come to a murder scene in the middle of the night. “Y/N! What the hell? You almost scared me to death.” He says panting and lowering the light from her face as he relievedly recognizes the girl in front of him. She puts her hands over her eyes and squints them shut, trying to block the light. “Sorry, Jughead. Should’ve removed my invisibility cloak before you walked right past me.” she replied ironically. “We don’t need another body in the morgue.” He’s not surprised by her wittiness. 

Despite living in the same small town and attending the same pathetic school, they don’t talk much, but he usually notices her quick responses every time Reggie is an ass. “What are you doing here?”, he asks impulsively, not realizing she could have asked him that as well. “I’m not morbid or anything”, she says defensively, crossing her arms. “I come here whenever I can’t sleep. The river is soothing.” He chuckles. “Yeah, there’s something serene about the waters in which a teenager was found shot.” 

He realizes he made her uncomfortable. He’s not sure if it’s because he offended her or if she’s sad about Jason. “Aren’t you gonna ask me why I’m here?”, he tries to minimize the damage. For some reason, he doesn’t like the effect his words had on her.

She looks at him dead in the eye and walks closer. “I know why you’re here: you’re sleuthing. For your novel.” She goes towards the very spot where Jason’s body lied lifeless not too long before.”How do you know?” He’s perplexed. He hasn’t told anyone. “I see you at Pop’s.” A deep silence follows.

“She sees me? Why would she?” “You won’t find anything here”, she says, snapping Jughead back to the topic. “Why not?”, he asks suspiciously. “He wasn’t killed here.”, she remarks, making him believe even more that she could be involved in the crime. “What makes you so sur...”, she cuts him off, vomiting the words. “His body was preserved. Week-old wounds looked fresh. It was dropped here.” 

Now he’s having mixed thoughts.”How could this girl hurt anyone, after all? But then again, how can she know so much?” Jughead suggests they head to Pop’s, the only safe place to further discuss her theory at that time, way better than remaining in a crime scene knowing a killer is on the loose. She agrees kinda reluctantly. 

After placing their order, they seat on the far corner booth, Jughead’s usual. “Why should I trust the autopsy of a 16-year-old?”, he shoots, making her express her contempt with a grimace. “Dammit! Why do I care if I’m rude at her? She may be a killer!” Y/N can see doubt in his eyes, mainly because she also has her own. “Why should I trust the detecting skills of a 15-year-old?” She shoots back. “Fair enough.” “How does she know things about me? I’m the one who should have intel!”  

Their chocolate milkshake and fries arrive with a smile from Pop. It’s not the first time they are both in the diner at that hour, but they had never shared a meal before. Jughead is angry at himself for all the times he should’ve noticed her noticing him but he was too focused on his laptop to even look up.

“The real question is not where he died, but why.” He doesn’t make a sound, knowing she’s right and rather annoyed he didn’t come up with that. “Why then?” He’s expecting she’ll know the answer or maybe somehow confess. “I don’t know. That’s why you’re here too, isn’t it?” He starts to believe her innocence.

“You’re suggesting we work together?“ He gives her a smart look, because either way he’s doing the right thing - if she’s not involved, they can hang out; if she is, keep your enemies closer, right? “Yeah, maybe it’s for the best. We’ll get answers faster.” Jughead would really love to be 100% sure she had nothing to do with the murder, but he barely reached a third of the way. “How do I know you didn’t do it and you’re just trying to lead me the other way?” She takes the last sip of her milkshake. “You don’t.” Y/N looks at the clock, getting up from the booth. “I should go.” He doesn’t want her to. Until she said she was leaving, he hadn’t noticed how good it felt not being alone. “I’ll walk you.” He’s desperately trying to keep her company for just a little longer. She refuses, but he uses the “There’s a killer on the loose” card to make her change her mind.

After he drops her off at her doorstep, he goes back to the Drive-In, his thoughts wandering free once again, this time not about Jason Blossom, but about Y/N Y/L/N, clueless about the reason why he can’t think of anything else but her. Before falling asleep, his lips formed a smile knowing he’d see her again the next day.

[cyberkevvideo]

Throne of Night Theory Builds Part 17: The Aquatic Dino Rider

Still killing time during the quarantine, and while I’d started this last week, I needed to take a break from builds for a bit. No particular reason. Just difficult to do when the motivation isn��t there. Mom got some bad news regarding her cancer and was taken off work and placed in immediate quarantine. So it’s a bit of a trying time at the moment. Especially since it looks like she’ll be off work until some time in June, if not until July. Gotta worry about cancer and C-19. That’ll gotta be hard on her.

All in all, during this very troubling time, I hope everyone’s staying safe and are keeping healthy. It looks like we’re in for the long haul.

But, let’s not dwell and get right into it.

For space reasons, I’ll be cropping the encounter build.

All images shared here were done by the forever fantastic and amazingly talented Michael D. Clarke, aka SpiralMagus

EDIT: Stats are cleaned up and look pretty.

BTW, it suggested I make one because there are those who’ve expressed they want to reward my efforts, so I made a Ko-Fi page. No pressure in supporting it though. I know we’re all experiencing financially trying times right now. I hope everyone’s staying safe right now.

This build took some time to figure out. I’ll bet you anything that I over thought this. That said, if the whole thing was planned to be nothing more than a skum fighter (dragoon)/ or ranger and a young advanced hit die elasmosaurus with the two-headed template and either mutant or eldritch added in, I’ll be upset and underwhelmed. That said, I’m really wondering how close I am.

That two-prong end to the weapon makes it look like a special kind of lance, maybe some variant of a sunblade, or the Illuminating property from 3.5e, but I’m banking on it just being thematic for a shocking weapon, and the two prong lance is a variant trident. The old rules had it say that when you first activated the weapon, it lit up brilliantly to showcase what kind of weapon it was.

You’ll notice that there’s one additional Hit Die for the skum. When you add a template that reduces your Constitution, your hit points take quite the hit, and you have to make it up somehow. Unfortunately due to the CR, I was limited on how much wealth I could give, so I couldn’t just add a Con belt.

As for a background on this NPC, from how it was written in the update this picture was prominent, it doesn’t appear that he/she/they are meant to be an enemy. At least not initially, and not hostile on purpose. They’re supposed to be a former drow, likely changed by the aboleth’s mucus ability or through some fleshwarping. It’s likely he forgot himself after all the mind-affecting effects, but due to a twist of fate (likely because it was originally a drow and the effect is said to only truly work on humans), broke free of the control, and managed to escape. As for the beast, it could be something that was slightly warped while being around its master, or they could have found one another. For this to work, I surmise that the dinosaur normally only has one head, but when the party is discovered, the skum drow activates the second head and approaches the party in a cautious, but intimidating manner, to let them know they can be a threat if push comes to shove.

My thought process is the skum drow will warn the PCs of the upcoming aboleth, explaining that a bunch of them were kidnapped and made into slaves. This might even create a possible team-up to try free everyone enslaved and turned into skum. If not, maybe just give them some tips on how to break into the city so that they have a better fighting chance.

It’s also the first time in a while that I’ve written tactics, as minimal as it is.

VIERZYNE THE AWAKENED    (CR 16; 76,800 XP) Drowblood advanced skum hunter (primal companion hunter) 11/fighter (dragoon) 2 LE Medium monstrous humanoid (aquatic, elf) Init +5; Senses darkvision 80 ft.; Perception +18 DEFENSE AC 25, touch 13, flat-footed 23 (+10 armor, +1 Dex, +1 deflection, +1 dodge, +2 natural) hp 178 (17 HD; 5d10+12d8+97) Fort +17, Ref +13, Will +13; +1 vs. fear, spells, and spell-like abilities Immune sleep; Resist cold 10; SR 25 OFFENSE Speed 20 ft., swim 40 ft. Melee +1 keen shocking trident +22 (1d8+6 plus 1d6 electricity), claw +17 (1d4+3), bite +17 (1d6+3) Ranged mwk aquatic light crossbow +16 (1d8) Hunter Spells Prepared (CL 12th; concentration +15)   4th (3/day)—blessing of the salamander, cure serious wounds, echolocation, nondetection   3rd (5/day)—burst of speed, communal resist energy, strong jaw, swarm of fangs   2nd (6/day)—allfood, badger’s ferocity, barkskin, bull’s strength, versatile weapon   1st (6/day)—alarm, cure light wounds, detect aberration, heightened awareness, lead blades, magic fang   0 (at will)—create water, detect magic, guidance, know direction, mending, resistance Hunter Spell-like Abilities (CL 12th; concentration +11)   1/day—raise animal companion Spell-like Abilities (CL 17th; concentration +16)   1/day—dancing lights, darkness, faerie fire TACTICS Morale If Vierzyne and Lince’sa appear to be overwhelmed by their enemies or are less than half hit points, Vierzyne activates primal surge to give Lince’sa dimension door and have them escape together. STATISTICS Str 22, Dex 13, Con 18, Int 12, Wis 16, Cha 8 Base Atk +13; CMB +19; CMD 21 Feats Back to Back, Boon Companion, Dodge, Duck and Cover, Eschew Materials, Improved Initiative, Iron Will, Lunge, Mounted CombatB, MultiattackB, OutflankB, Precise Strike, Ride-by Attack, Share Healing, Skill Focus (Handle Animal), Skill Focus (Ride)B, Toughness, Weapon Focus (trident) Skills Handle Animal +22, Heal +10, Intimidate +10, Knowledge (dungeoneering) +13, Knowledge (engineering) +5, Knowledge (geography) +10, Knowledge (nature) +10, Perception +18 (+22 underwater), Ride +21 (+23 to stay in the saddle), Spellcraft +10, Stealth +11 (+15 underwater), Survival +14, Swim +17; Racial Modifiers +4 Perception and Stealth underwater, +8 Swim; ACP –5 Languages Aboleth, Elven, Undercommon SQ amphibious, drowblood, hunter tactics, improved empathic link, precise companion, primal surge 1/day, primal transformation (head [extra], tail slap [1d8], unnatural aura; swift action, 12 minutes/day), swift tracker, track +6, woodland stride, wild empathy +11 Combat Gear wand of cure light wounds (37 charges); Other Gear plate armor of the deep, +1 keen shocking trident, masterwork aquatic light crossbow with 15 bolts, cloak of resistance +1, headband of inspired wisdom +2, ring of protection +1, ring of sustenance SPECIAL ABILITIES Drow Blood (Ex) Drowblood creatures are considered to be members of the base creature’s race and the drow and elf races for the purpose of racially specific special abilities and effects.

-- drow name means Darkness Hunter, has forgotten what house he belongs to, and his memory is piecemeal at best. -- companion’s name means “pet”.

--------------------------------------------------

LINCE'SA (CR —; — XP) N Large aberrant elasmosaurus Init +6; Senses darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision, scent; Perception +10 DEFENSE AC 33, touch 16, flat-footed 26 (+3 armor, +6 Dex, +13 natural, +1 deflection, +1 dodge, –1 size) hp 130 (13d8+72) Fort +13, Ref +14, Will +8 Defensive Abilities alien mind, improved evasion OFFENSE Speed 20 ft., swim 50 ft. Space 10 ft.; Reach 10 ft. Melee bite +16 (3d6+10) STATISTICS Str 24, Dex 22, Con 16, Int 2, Wis 14, Cha 9 Base Atk +9; CMB +17; CMD 34 (38 vs. trip) Feats Dodge, Great Fortitude, Improved Natural Attack (bite), Iron Will, Mobility, Toughness, Weapon Focus (bite) Skills Acrobatics +13, Escape Artist +10, Intimidate +3, Perception +10, Stealth +6, Swim +16; Racial Modifiers +8 Swim Languages understands Aquatic and Undercommon SQ aberrant sight, fluid bones (compression), link, speak with master Tricks attack, come, defend, down, fetch, guard, heel, perform, seek, stay, track, work Gear +1 leather barding, ring of protection +1, bit and bridle, exotic military saddle SPECIAL ABILITIES Alien Mind (Ex) An aberrant companion is immune to mind-affecting effects that specifically target animals, such as charm animal. Anyone who attempts to use such an effect against it takes 1d4 points of Wisdom damage (Will DC 20 half). Not Quite Animal (Ex) The DC to use Handle Animal on an aberrant companion is 5 higher, as if it were a nonanimal with an Intelligence score of 1 or 2.

[beelieveinfandom]

A Better Birthright Chapter Six

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9                        AO3 Link

I would recommend reading this chapter on AO3.

Morning came like it always does, slowly and filled with the sounds of thousands of crows.

Mizar rather wished it was more like other mornings, where although there certainly were plenty of crows making plenty of noises they weren’t anywhere near her personally. The crows would have relatively quiet stretches where they kept a fairly even level of calls, but every now and then a squabble would break out or a hawk would fly overhead and the world would become a cawcophony of cawing.

There was really no point in trying to get more sleep once dawn broke.

The light of day made the entrance to the Unkindness’ lair rather intimidating. Not only was the hole huge and vertigo-inducing in its indeterminate depth, but the morning sun reflecting on the thick metal border shined with a painful blinding brightness, obfuscating all details of the entrance behind its wall of light.

No amount of light could swallow up the pit entirely, though. It was simply too large and too deep.

Crows were peeling away from the megamurder in small groups, presumably to go about their normal crow business of getting food or socializing or stealing cows.

The sun had moved behind a hill by the time breakfast was done, making it reasonable to actually look at the entrance. The seamless metal walls had somehow made it through the centuries completely unweathered: the only disruption to the unnaturally smooth surface was a line of glyphs written in an old runic alphabet that were cut into the metal. The letters’ edges were sharp to the touch.

A steady stream of cool, moist air rose from the hole.

It felt like they should be doing something to prepare for the presumed long trek ahead of them, but no one could think of anything specific to actually do.

No sense stalling. It was time to descend.

The staircase was wide enough for two people to walk side by side, but there wasn’t a guard rail. As no one was quite ready to fall to their death, they walked single file down the seemingly endless spiral.

It was quiet. Surprisingly so, considering the stairs were made of metal. The sounds of each footstep were soft, like the sound was made by something far away.

Nav spoke up, disrupting the steady footfall.

“What is this place?” they asked. The chamber swallowed any echo that their voice may have formed.

Alcor eased into the physical plane. “What would you be willing to give me for an answer to that?”

“I don’t know if I’m that curious,” Nav said.

“I’ll bite. I know a bit about the Unkindness and their Keeper, but this structure looks like something built by the ancients that the crows just took advantage of.” Mizar put her hands on her hips. “I’ll get you an animal around the size of a deer within a week for an explanation of why this place was built.”

“It’s a bit of a history lesson,” Alcor said.

“Seems like we got a bit of a walk ahead of us, Mizar said. “Gotta talk about something. And I think I can handle whatever the past can throw at me.”

“Well then, I accept your deal.” Alcor grinned as Mizar’s hand flashed with blue fire. “And it’s not really complicated. Mostly it’s just… people.” Alcor shook his head. “Before the calamity, people made devices that had the potential to annihilate everything in a stupidly large area. Any one of these could create a continent-wide disaster, and there were a lot of them. To try and minimize the damage caused if there was an accident, they built and kept them deep underground, in highly reinforced bunkers like this one.”

“Why would you risk making anything that dangerous?”

“That was the whole point. I mean, there were times when it wasn’t, when the devices could do such useful things that they were considered to be worth the risk, but people are drawn to raw destructive power and they raced with reckless abandon to make the thing with the biggest possible boom. It was generally said to be about defence, because if your neighbor has a weapon how can you be safe unless you have a better weapon? No one is going to attack someone who has a bigger stick, or so the logic went. Not that it really should matter how much better your things are if your neighbor can still wipe out all life on the continent, but that never seemed to stop anyone.”

“So that was the calamity, then?” There was a note of uncharacteristic melancholy in Mizar’s voice. “A war with weapons that shouldn’t have been made?”

“Nah,” Alcor said, “people weren’t quite that dumb. They were well aware how bad it would be if anyone actually set off any of these weapons, so they locked them behind impassable walls of bureaucracy. They really were built to be symbols more than anything else. The Calamity was actually an accident, as much as anything doing what it was built to do can be said to be an accident. It’s pretty fortunate for Earth, though. If these things had gone off outside of their protective bunkers I don’t think the planet would still be remotely habitable.”

“How do enough of these things go off on accident to cause the Calamity?”

“Shenanigans.” Alcor shrugged. “Basically, many of them ended up connected in the dreamscape due to an overlooked quirk of magic, one got triggered by a series of unlikely events and the power of its blast set off a few others. Then everything got amplified by an unrelated device and you got yourself a worldwide apocalypse.”

“If only a few of them went off, does that mean that there are still intact ones that could cause another Calamity at any point?” Mizar asked, alarmed.

“They’re all way too decayed to be even a minor threat anymore,” Alcor said. “Unless you were to go into their bunkers, then they’d be a major cancer risk.”

“So if this was supposed to be a bunker capable of containing some awesome weapon, why is it all open? Shouldn’t this be solid to absorb all the energy or whatever?”

“What we’re on was originally the outer wall of the bunker,” he explained. “The center was a very large building filled with maintenance stuff and various security things. This specific place is special, you see. When its bomb went off it exploded so hard it ripped through the dimensional barrier, and the bunker collapsed and fell through.“

“The whole thing collapsed?” Nav said. “Are these stairs going to be intact further down?”

“The outer layer of the bunker was just about the sturdiest thing people could make back then.” Alcor dismissively waved his hand. “It’ll be fine.”

“Wait a second, are we entering a different dimension?” Mizar asked.

“Sort of,” Alcor said. “When the rip first happened it led pretty much directly into a different dimension, but since then it drifted apart from this one. We’re essentially entering a bubble connecting our dimension to another; it’s a threshold space maintained by both while being a part of neither of them. Once they drift far enough it will burst and the rift will either heal or lead directly to the chaotic realm between dimensions.”

“A chaos realm rift?” Nav said. “That sounds like it’s probably a bad thing.”

Alcor shrugged. “Shouldn’t matter much to you - you’ll have died long, long before it’s going to be an issue. And anyway there’s nothing left there that’s stupid enough to try anything.”

“Left?” Nav asked. “That sounds like a story.”

“It’s a great one.” Alcor grinned. “What would you be willing to pay me to hear it?”

“Oh would you look at that?” Nav looked down over the edge. “There goes my interest. Hopefully it won't hit any crows on the way down.”

“So,” Swift said. “Future danger aside, this is completely safe then? I don’t want to take Jorge someplace too dangerous; he doesn’t really have reflexes.”

“I wouldn’t call it completely safe.” Alcor put his hands on his hips. “The stair’s lack of a rail is a serious OSHA violation. Also the air is probably carcinogenic, but what’s a little cancer ever do to anyone?”

The darkness grew around them as they descended deeper, growing thicker until it swallowed the last stray bits of light. They couldn’t see each other; even Swift’s cavern-evolved goblin eyes were useless. The only thing remotely visible was Alcor, but even the constellations that peppered his dark form were dim. The sky itself seemed to be missing - where the circle of light had been now held only blackness.

They had not descended anywhere near far enough to possibly justify the morning light’s absence.

It wasn’t very cold and yet their skin tingled like it was on the edge of numbness.

Mizar put a hand on the wall to guide her and stared at her flashlight. Looking at it straight on, she could see its circle of light, but pointing it at the wall it cast no illumination unless it was uselessly close.

Distant caws drifted up the open space.

Sharp fractures in the wall caught against Mizar’s fingertips like hooks. Smooth bumpy waves of warped wall surrounded them, so her fingers would rise and fall, only a few millimeters at the edge but whole inches right before the sudden jagged tear. A transfixing dance between smooth and sharp played out under her fingers.

“I’m not the only one that’s more than a little spooked, am I?” Fred asked, her voice clear and close. “Cause this place is causing me a bit of a concern right now.”

“I would certainly be happier if I could see the stairs ahead of me,” Nav said. “Sturdiest material of the ancients or not, that talk of powerful weapons and collapsing buildings makes me nervous.”

“I feel like I’m going to fall forward eternally with each new step,” Plessy said. “I like it here.”

“You would, you weirdo,” Nav said.

“Sure, I may be a weirdo; I will give you that. But what does that make you? For a weirdo is something that one is, a fixed part of one’s very being. But dating a weirdo? That is a choice, and a choice that you made handedly,” Plessy retorted.

“That makes me fucking awesome,” Nav said. “Cause weirdos are, in my experience, pretty much the greatest people this world has to offer, and by dating one, some of that innate coolness is transferred to me by proxy.”

“So,” Plessy said coyly, “what you’re saying is you only love me because I’m basically perfect in every way.”

“That’s it.” Nav flicked their arm up. “That’s exactly it. I’ve never been so called out in my life.”

“Well, I suppose I can’t hold it against you,” Plessy said. “I’d probably become enamored by my own charms too, were I not immune to such things.”

“Oh, you’re immune to being charmed now?” Nav narrowed their eyes.

“Completely above it,” she responded.

“Oh reeeeeally?”

“Absolutely,” Plessy said, her head high. “I’m so far above it I’m at grave risk of suffocation from how thin the atmosphere is up here.”

“You’re really cute when you’re full of shit.”

“A genuine compliment?” Plessy giggled. “Noooooooo, my one weakness!”

“And you better believe that there’s more where that came from!” Nav said, grinning.

“Is there nothing I can do to obtain your mercy?”

“No…” Nav shook their head. “No, it is far too late for that now. Do you have any last words before you take your onslaught of admiration?”

“I love how dramatic you are.”

“Heh,” Nav chuckled, the darkness swallowing their cocky grin. “So it’s a duel then?”

“If fate has conspired to bring such an event to fruition then so be it,” Plessy said with a heavy weight to her voice.

“I love your ironic seer shtick.”

“Is that so? Well I love how you laugh at my dumb jokes.”

“Your jokes aren’t stupid, they’re hilarious. I love how funny you are.”

“You guys are really cute,” Fred said.

“A challenger has appeared!” Nav exclaimed. “You know, Fred, you’re a delight to be around.”

“You brew a great cup of tea,” Plessy said.

“Oh… no, I didn’t mean to get involved.” Fred blushed. “Thanks for the compliments, though. You’re really nice.”

“Yeah?” Nav’s grin was evident in their voice. “Well your face is really nice.”

“Your welcoming presence is a breath of fresh air,” Plessy said solemnly.

The talk helped fill the space and made the voluminous cavern seem slightly less like an ancient tomb. It was still incredibly freaky, going down down down to destination unknown, each footfall paired with a panicked moment before the next step was felt where it seemed there was no next step, there was nothing but the darkness to fall through forever.

Needless to say, it was slow going. And there was a lot to go through. Without any visible sky or light, it was impossible to gauge how much time passed, winding around slowly through the darkness. It was definitely a long time, though, far longer than anyone wanted to be walking down stairs, impenetrable darkness or not. But eventually, after everyone’s muscles were starting to get sore, after it seemed like there was nothing in the world beyond this staircase, specks of light started to appear down below.

The lights were ethereal colorful streaks that raced up and down, not perfectly straight but as if tracing out some indecipherable ruins. The lights themselves were too faint to illuminate the room but their dancing reflections along the walls revealed what fingers had already figured out; the walls were no longer the peculiar smooth material of the ancients but rough, textured stone.

The cawing stopped as they approached the lights, leaving the room in haunting silence, only broken by the occasional flapping of wings.

The farther down they went the more lights there were. They still were dim, but together they were just bright enough to dimly illuminate the forms of crows lining the edges of the stairs like the world's most precarious railing.

They finally seemed to be reaching the bottom.

Streaks of light were grouped together in the center of the room likes bars of a cage. Within was a truly massive bird, whose shimmering form appeared to be made of liquid. Their tail poured down like a waterfall into a perfectly circular pool beneath them. The lights around them filled their form with an ever-shifting rainbow, dancing off their surface onto the walls, its pastel echo briefly revealing the dark iridescent rainbows hidden in the feathers of the numerous birds that filled the space.

And the birds were so very numerous. Thousands of beady eyes shone in the darkness, all fixed on the party. They covered the floor, they perched on crevices in the walls, they lined the staircase. With each step forward came the sounds of wings as someone landed behind them.

At last they made it to the end of the stairs, to solid and flat floor.

The room exploded in cawing. They could make out some words in the noise, but it all seemed to run together as a single presence of sound.

The large bird at the center of the room spoke, their haunting voice clear and easy to make out through the inescapable presence of the chatter.

SO YOU HAVE ENTERED OUR DOMAIN WE WERE NOT EXPECTING YOU SO SOON FORGOTTEN ONE

“Don’t mind me, I’m just tagging along with her,” Alcor replied, gesturing at Mizar.

THE BURNING HEART WHAT BRINGS YOU TO US

Mizar walked forward, slowly and purposely, until she was at the edge of the pool in front of the entity the crows were referring to as The Keeper.

“Oh Keeper, of the Unkindness,” she said.

“I am Mizar, the Twin Star, high priestess of the demon Alcor, the Light Breaking through the Darkness. I am here on behalf of those of the Pack of Even Hand, of their first mother and of this child.

“I would ask of you to return what you were given by the child. I would beseech you to return to him his emotions.”

WE WILL GLADLY RETURN IT BUT WE WILL NEED IN EXCHANGE A SECRET A FORGOTTEN PATH OR

SOMETHING SHINY 

“I have for you an offering,” she said. “A forgotten path, freely given.”

For a minute the cawing intensified to the point that talking was impossible.

“I am the last shaman of the Fallwood people.” She spoke slowly and clearly. “I am the last to know our rites. I am the last to carry our history. Master of the Lost, I offer you the name that I was offered upon my birth. I offer you all that comes with it. This name is not an identifier but an identity. It is a title, it is that history. The name is a signifier that its bearer has gone down the path of shamanhood. I offer you a name, Keeper of Secrets, and through it I offer you my birthright.”

THESE TERMS ARE PERMISSIBLE

COME FORWARD WITH YOUR OFFERING

Mizar stepped forward, testing the depth of the pool in front of her. Her foot stayed on the surface, however, and having established she wouldn’t sink she confidently strolled over to The Keeper. When she was a few feet in front of them, the liquid suddenly stopped supporting her and she plunged into darkness.

She gasped in surprise, only to find she had no problem breathing.

It was warm beneath the surface. She felt lightheaded and fuzzy. Strange noises came from above. It was like someone was talking very far away. There was stuff down here. Big piles of weird things. She thought about her childhood. About learning what she was going to be doing. About the rituals she would do. About the people she would lead. About those who came before. And the more she thought about it, the less she remembered. It was warm. She was warm. What had she been thinking about? Maybe she should get out of this, leave this… wherever this was. Yeah, that sounded like a good idea.

She walked aimlessly for awhile before it got shallow enough for her to surface again. Her head hitting the open air was like falling face-first into the snow; the cold shocked her system and her thoughts became coherent again almost instantly.

She finished walking out of the liquid and tried to wring out her hair, only to find it was already dry.

Jorge was walking towards the pool with the same slow, aimless gait that he seemed to do everything with. He walked like his legs were a separate entity with separate intentions that he didn’t know; like he would be surprised to arrive at whatever destination his legs brought him to if he could only muster the energy.

He reached the pool and collapsed down to his knees like a dropped ragdoll. He cupped his hands together and took a drink from the dark liquid.

Almost instantly he started coughing. Deep, heavy, choking coughs like something was caught far down his throat.

Swift rushed over to help. He slowed as he got to Jorge, moving a hand to the child’s shoulder.

Jorge pushed him away. “You did this!” he said hoarsely. “Why would you do this? Everything was fine the way it was!”

He was angrily blinking back tears.

Swift sighed. ”I guess that answers the question of how you’re feeling.”

“How am I feeling? I feel awful! I feel like shit! I never wanted to think about what happened again and now I can’t stop.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Swift asked, his voice betraying that he already knew what answer he was to receive.

“No I don’t want to talk about it!” the teen shouted. “I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want anything to do with it! And why would I want to talk about it with you? You’re the one that did this to me! This is all your fault. I hate you! I hate you I hate you I hate you!”

Jorge ran away to the stairs, shoving anyone in his way out of it. Taking the stairs two at a time, he quickly ascended out of view, which didn’t mean much considering how dark it was. Your hand could get far enough away from you to disappear from sight if it got especially ambitious.

“Well that’s probably not the response that you were hoping for,” Mizar said to Swift. “Sucks, dude.”

“I mean, it isn’t ideal,” he said, “but it’s about what I was expecting. He’s been through a lot and hasn’t dealt with any of it. It’s only natural that he would start with some pretty negative emotions. Honestly, I’m glad to see anger; I was worried he would just shut down again.”

“You gonna try to calm him down?” Mizar asked.

“Me? No. I’d probably bugger it all up, honestly. I’m… not the best at helping someone work through their trauma. We got some people back home that know what they’re doing though. At this point I’m just here to make sure he can get to them safely.”

“Should we be concerned that he’s running ahead?” Nav asked.

“He’ll tire himself out long before he reaches the top.” Swift looked up the stairs for any sign of his ward. “Still. We should probably go after him.”

“Like, right now?” Nav asked. “I was hoping to rest a little first. I’m still tired from the climb down.”

“I’m not sure I could rest right here,” Swift said. “Anxiety over Jorge aside, I feel like I’m invading the crows’ space.”

“Wait, we’re leaving already?” said Fred. “I was hoping I could get something back from the Unkindness, while we’re right here and all.”

“What’d you have Taken?” Nav asked.

“Oh, nothing as hoity-toity as my emotions or nothing, just some dried cantaloupe actually, but I’ve been craving it somethin fierce lately and hey, no sense leaving the butcher empty handed.”

“Fruit,” Swift said, in the same way as one might respond to being told that white picket fences were actually mind controlling parasites, and were secretly responsible for all of society's ills.

“Yep,” Fred said, completely oblivious to any subtext. “Got it awhile back and kinda forgot about it for a ways. Then one day I wake up with that hunger that only cantaloupe can fill and get all excited ‘cause hey, I just remembered I got some. Two shakes and a beat later I find that I can’t find it. I’m not even certain that it was Taken, to be open as a peach, might have just lost it.”

“What were you planning on giving up in return?” Nav asked slowly.

“Oh I got all kinds of childhood memories I could best do without.”

“Memories?” Nav asked disbelievingly. “For some fruit?”

THESE TERMS ARE PERMISSIBLE

“Oh, nice,” Fred said. “So how’s this work then? I just walk over here thinking about that which I’d rather not think about and-”

Fred plunged beneath the surface of the liquid.

Fred emerged from the liquid, after a minute or so, triumphantly holding a leather satchel.

“Personally I wouldn’t have returned the bag. Let’s see her carry a pound and a half of dried fruit with her hands.”

“You’re a bit of a pedantic prick, aren’t you?” Nav said.

“I like to think of it as teaching the value of careful wording.”

“So a pretentious pedantic prick, got it.”

“Pretty much,” Mizar said.

“Hey! You’re supposed to be on my side.”

Mizar shrugged. “Maybe if you tried being less of a pretentious pedantic prick I wouldn’t feel the need to call you out on your shit.”

“Well maybe I’m old and have been through things you couldn't dream of and have earned the right to conduct myself in however prickish of a manner I like.”

“Then you should learn not to get offended when people tell it like it is.”

“Well I’ve gone and done what I was gonna go and do,” Fred said. “Anyone else have something they might want back or should we be off?”

“I would appreciate it if we would go follow Jorge,” Swift said. “If that’s alright with everyone. I wouldn’t want to stop you from being reunited with that cool leaf you saw once just because I want to keep an eye on the child in my care.”

“You want some cantaloupe?” Fred asked, as they started to walk.

“...” Swift put his face in his hands. “I kind of do, actually.”

It didn’t take them long to catch up to Jorge. He had stopped fairly close to the bottom and sat down, legs dangling off into the dark abyss. Not that anyone could see that through the supernatural blackness.

“I hate stairs,” he declared. “They’re awful and there are too many of them and I hate them.”

“You ready to go home, Jorge?”

“That would involve climbing more stairs, so no. I’m not ready to go home. I’m going to sit here forever and never climb a stair again.”

“We can rest awhile if that’s what you want,” Swift said gently.

“No I don’t want to rest here,” Jorge said with his voice raised. “It’s dark and creepy and I don’t like it.”

“Well, what do you want, then?” Swift asked.

“I want to be at home, like I was,” Jorge said. “Not feeling all these things, like I was. Not here. Not in the dark on the stairs surrounded by more stairs and hating everything. It sucks, Swift! This sucks!”

“Well, the faster we get moving the faster we can get home. Then it can suck slightly less.”

They continued to ascend the staircase. Mizar’s thoughts drifted to her childhood. She could still remember the general shape of things; what she learned and why. When she tried to remember any details, however, she started to feel all warm and fuzzy again, and the harder she tried to focus the more lightheaded she got.

She could still remember her exponent just fine. Which was a relief? Yes. She wouldn’t want to forget about him, no matter how much it still hurt.

The ascent went considerably faster than the descent had. The sky revealed itself as a circle of light after what felt like no time at all, at least compared to what they had been expecting. And once they could actually see the stairs ahead of them they could move considerably faster. They were at the top before they knew it.

The sun had barely moved from the position that it had been when they went down, despite the fact that it seemed unlikely that a whole day had passed.

They took a short rest and started down the long trek back to the Pack.

It was late evening when they got back. The area was still crowded, despite the hour. The buzz of people going about their evenings and the literal buzzing of bees filled the air, undisturbed by their presence.

The Bright One came out to greet them, led by an eager child.

“It is good to see you returned,” she said. “Did you find what it was that you sought?”

Jorge took that moment to run off - the thought of sitting there while people talked about what had just happened to him like it was some sort of victory to be celebrated was too much to bear.

“Yeah,” Swift answered. “He’s definitely feeling things again.”

“And not too happy about it, or so it would appear.”

“No he…” Swift sighed. “I wish I could do more for him. Feelings ain’t my strong suit.”

“He will heal in time.” The Bright One smiled. “For now I imagine that he will want some space. We can have-”

She stopped and looked behind her.

A wave of silence swept through the crowd, which parted leaving a straight path between the party and the oldest and strangest looking dryad any of them had ever seen. Not that that was saying too much considering that dryads were somewhat rare, but the half-wolf form that she took was bizarre by most any standards. Her skin, where visible, was ether rough, flaking bark, or fleshy in a way that just looked wrong. The moss that hung off her fur was so prevalent that it was impossible to determine what was hair and what was plant. Each step shook her whole body; even standing still it seemed like the wind might blow her away.

Dominating her features were her massive branch-like antlers, covered in fiery leaves. Withered brown leaves hid amongst the bright reds and golds.

She was hunched over a staff - a small tree, really. If she were to stand upright, she would probably be pushing twelve feet.

“First Mother,” The Bright One said in surprise. “I wasn’t expecting you to be active.”

“I’m old, not dead,” the First Mother said, her gruff voice skillfully projected. “I can still uproot myself when the time calls for it.”

She turned to Mizar.

“So,” she said, “you must be the latest Mizar.”

“That’s me.”

“What’s your name, kid?”

“Mizar,” Mizar said. “My name is Mizar.”

“Well that’s sure confusing.”

“That’s what I said!” Alcor said. “But she was all ‘oh who cares it’s perfect’.”

“And of course you can’t deny your twin star anything.”

“Look Catreena, have you ever tried fighting with a Mizar? Once they’ve made up their mind about something they’re impossibly stubborn.”

“Whatever.” She turned back to Mizar. “I heard you all went out of your way to help one of my kids.”

“It was nothing, really,” Mizar said.

“Oh, it’s something alright. A Mizar traveling with Alcor… you got something you want to get done. And you still went out of your way to get some kid what he needed, even if he didn’t want it. I appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome,” Mizar said.

“So tell me, what is it that you’re doing?”

“I’m going to fix the corruption,” Mizar declared. “To bring back what was lost with the Calamity.”

“No you damn well aren’t,” The First Mother snapped.

“Excuse me?” Mizar asked.

“There are some things that are better off forgotten, kid,” the First Mother said. “Don’t get me wrong, low infant mortality rates and a stable population were great. I’d love to see the return of vaccines and what have you. Instantaneous communication? Still miss that. But the other crap? The social side of things? You don’t understand what it was like to live back then. To be a preter, to be the wrong ‘kind’ of human, to move wrong, or act wrong, or look wrong, or to be born under the wrong circumstances… you might as well not be a person. There had been millennia of power and wealth being secured by a small group of people and everyone outside of that group didn’t matter. We had the ability to cure just about any ailment but people still died of sickness because they didn’t have the right resources to exchange for treatment. You could communicate instantly with anyone anywhere on the planet, but everything was monitored and if you said the wrong thing you would be locked away.”

“How could a small group of people keep control for that long?”

“There was a lot to it,” she explained. “Partially, they had the best of the best of the wonderful technology of the ancients. When you have a whole fleet of machines, any one of which could take down a small army, no one is going to successfully overpower you. A lot of it wasn’t brute force, though. Information was carefully controlled. It didn’t occur to many people that there was any better way things could be. Conversation was monitored to the point that it was almost impossible to find or plan protests, don’t mention an actual revolt. And there was a lot of propaganda, saying that everyone was being treated equally, and those who said otherwise were just lazy, not working hard enough, and trying to get special treatment. Or that anyone could become one of the elites with enough hard work, and because of how hard the elites worked they deserved the obscene amounts of power they held.”

“This does make some of the things I’ve read make more sense,” Mizar said. “They were really obsessed with work, weren’t they?”

“In this area, yeah. Other places put less focus on work ethic and a bit more on other things to control the masses.”

“Were there any places that didn’t put a huge effort into ‘controlling the masses’?”

“I don’t know, probably. It was a long time ago and I didn’t give a rat’s ass about foreign politics back then.” She shrugged. “But most of the world was a powder keg. If the Calamity hadn’t happened first it really was only going to be so long before someone figured out how to summon the right demon to bring it all down. Then again, people had been saying that for centuries before the Calamity happened, so maybe it really was a stable clusterfuck. Whadda I know?”

“How did things get that bad?”

She made a noncommittal grunt. “I was never a history person until my life became history. If I had to guess I’d say the answer probably has something to do with colonialism. That’s definitely why white humans were in control, at any rate.” She shook her head. “Anyway, enough about the shitty past, let’s talk about the shitty present. Where you headed to that you think you can do something about the corruption at?”

“Apparently the largest collection of books on magic from before the Calamity is still intact,” Mizar said. “I’m starting to get an idea about what I might do, but I need to get a lot more information before I can hope to execute it.”

“So you’re going to Gravity Falls,” the First Mother said. “You’re with Alcor, so I’m sure you’ll be fine, but... be careful. You’re not the first person to get the idea that finding that library might be useful. It was a pretty common quest back when people still remembered it existed, actually. But the people who go looking for that place, they had a tendency to disappear. I haven’t heard of anyone making it to that town since the Calamity happened, and we get our fair share of people from everywhere, what with being one of the only suppliers of honey and all.”

“I don’t suppose you would know what might be making people disappear?”

“They wouldn’t exactly be disappeared if they could come back and say what happened, now would they?” She sighed. “Anyway. I’m old and tired, so unless you have any more questions I think I’m going to be off and and sleep for a couple months. But before I do, Horned One, can we talk?”

Fred looked up in surprise. “Well, sure. And it’s Fred, if you will. I haven’t really done anything to earn a formal title or nothin.”

“You have horns,” the First Mother said. “Ergo, you are the Horned One.”

“Well I suppose that is a pretty literal thing, and I can’t really deny that. But the way you’re saying it makes me think there’s more to it than just that, and I’m not sure I’ve really done anything to earn being the Horned One instead of just being some guy with horns.”

“There is more to it than just the horns, but that doesn’t mean it ain’t you,” she said. “Look, I don’t mean to make an argument out of this, let’s just talk.”

The First Mother led Fred slowly away from the rest of the group, towards the grove of trees in the center of the town.

“How long do you think you will be staying?” The Bright One asked.

“I’m itching to get on the road again, if that’s all the same to you guys,” Mizar said. “We’ll stay the night. And in the morning? We’re going to Gravity Falls.”

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

[fireladybuckley]

SanversWeek - Day 2 - Nerd Girlfriends

Summary:  Alex has a nerdy secret that Maggie finds out about and it leads to an entertaining evening.   Tags: @outside-the-government @littlecarowrites @secretgaygentdanvers @queercapwriting @auduna-druitt @whatif-animagineblog Author’s note: This one was incredibly fun for me to write, as I’m a huge World of Warcraft nerd myself.  Thanks to @outside-the-government both for betaing, and intentionally killing her WoW toon while I was writing so I could add what was on the death pop-up to the story, kek.  If you would like to be added to my tag list, please send me an ask or a message! <3  (I haven’t added all of the people on my normal tag list to these fics, because I’m not sure if you guys want to be tagged for Supergirl.  Please let me know if you want to!)

             It started out casually, when Maggie started staying over more.  She’d bring her laptop, and for an hour or two in the evenings, they’d sit across from each other at the table, doing their own thing on their computers in amiable silence, occasionally playing footsie and tossing the odd comment back and forth, usually sharing some kind of snack.  

                It became a regular thing after Maggie had moved in.  Several nights a week they’d sit, their laptops back to back, doing their own things.  Neither of them really asked what the other was doing, each content to absorb themselves in their various activities.  Neither was aware that the other quickly minimized a certain window when the other walked by, or brought them food, or came anywhere near them during these times.  They both had perfected not making a sound while doing their thing, no matter how happy or frustrated they became.

                One night, Maggie was scowling darkly at her computer. Alex kept glancing at her, eyebrow raised, but Maggie never looked up.  She was typing furiously, and seemed angry, but she didn’t offer an explanation and so Alex did not ask for one.  Alex could have sworn she heard Maggie muttering “fucking noob” at one point, but thought her mind must’ve been playing tricks on her when she looked up and Maggie looked like she hadn’t even spoken.

                Slightly suspicious, Alex looked back down at her own laptop, only to see that her character was flat on the ground with the message “6 minutes until release.  Release spirit?” popped up on her screen.

                “Seriously?!” she groaned at the screen, sighing as she released her character’s spirit and began the lengthy trek back to her corpse, where it lay at the bottom of a cliff, having just plummeted to it’s death during Alex’s lapse of concentration.  

                “Problems, Danvers?” Maggie asked, now raising an eyebrow at her.

                “Nope, all good,” Alex said quickly, cursing herself.  She wasn’t sure how Maggie would react to her playing one of the most stereotypical nerdy video games in the world and so she kept it to herself for now, indulging in her guilty pleasure and minimizing the screen when Maggie got up to make popcorn a little while later, pretending she was browsing Facebook instead.

 ---------

                A few nights later when Maggie wasn’t home, Alex had logged into her game and was chatting via headphones and a mic with Winn Schott, who was walking her through her first raid of the new expansion whose content she’d become greatly behind in due to lack of play time.   Winn was explaining things like she was a complete beginner, and she was starting to get annoyed.

                “Winn, I’m not a moron, I know how to play my damn character. Just explain the mechanics of the boss or I’m hanging up and resorting to Youtube,” she griped into the mic, shaking her head.  

                “Okay, okay, sorry,” he said hastily, sounding a mixture of indignant and frightened.  “There were some changes to ferals with the last patch and I just wasn’t sure if you kn--”

                “Boss. Mechanics. Schott.”  Alex said shortly, raising an eyebrow that he couldn’t see, though she bet he could see it in his mind.

                Winn spluttered a little, sighed, and then began explaining the mechanics of the fight to Alex as their group gained members and they got ready to start the encounter.  The fight started off smoothly and Alex grinned as she got into the battle, focused on laying on her damage as hard as possible.

                “I’ve got the adds,” she said, switching targets and attacking the demons swarming the group.  “Stay on the boss, Winn, I got this!” she insisted, tapping the keys furiously.  

                At that moment, Alex heard the doorknob turning and the door to the apartment starting to open.  Her heart leapt into her throat as she realized Maggie was entering – how had she not heard the key turning?!

                “I gotta go, sorry Winn!” she hissed into the mic, bringing up the menu of the game with lightning speed and clicking the “Exit game” option.

                “What?! Alex, we’re halfway through this figh-” Winn’s indignant splutter was cut off as Alex killed the voice chat program too and whipped the headphones into her lap as Maggie stepped fully into the room, dropping her keys onto the hook and looking over at Alex, amusement in her eyes.

                “What was that all about, Danvers?” Maggie asked, coming closer and peering at Alex’s guilty expression with amused suspicion.   “Who were you talking to?”

                “No one,” Alex said quickly, but when Maggie raised her eyebrow, Alex knew she must have heard her speaking.  “Okay just Winn, he was, uh, helping me sort out something on the computer, my antivirus wasn’t working,” she invented wildly, hoping she sounded convincing.  

                “Okay…” Maggie said slowly, still looking amused, and now disbelieving as well.  “Why do I get the feeling you’re lying to me?”

                “What? Me? Lie to you? No way!” Alex shook her head emphatically, trying to look hurt at the accusation.  “I just wanted to hang up with him because I love you and wanted to spend time with you the second you got home…”  Alex stood and moved over to Maggie, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend’s neck. Maggie rolled her eyes but pressed herself against Alex’s front, allowing her girlfriend to kiss her, deepening the kiss and wrapping her own arms around Alex’s middle.  After a long, steamy embrace, Maggie pulled away and eyed Alex, her gaze one of suspicion mingled with lust.  

                “I’ll let you get away with whatever you’re up to this time, Danvers… but I’m watching you,” Maggie told her, raising an eyebrow in what she apparently thought was a threatening manner.  Alex grinned and leaned closer, pressing kiss after kiss to Maggie’s neck, moving up under her jawline and kissing her hard over her pulse point, making Maggie’s breath catch.

                “I’ll consider myself warned, Sawyer…” Alex murmured into Maggie’s hair as she continued to kiss her neck, licking and suckling under her jaw.  Maggie moaned and lead Alex towards the bed, both of them stripping off clothing layers as they went, Alex thanking her lucky stars for the close call and trying not to giggle as she imagined Winn still spluttering indignantly back at his computer.  Winn disappeared from her mind pretty quickly, however, as she turned towards Maggie and was shoved backwards onto the bed, bouncing off the mattress with a gasp of anticipation as Maggie climbed on top of her and began kissing her neck instead, her hands slipping over Alex’s chest…

 ---------------

              A week or so later, the evening was unfolding like many others. Both Alex and Maggie had a glass of wine and bowl of popcorn between them, but they were mostly quiet, doing their own thing on their laptops as usual.  Alex was completely unaware, however, that Maggie was wise to Alex’s secret. Maggie was a player of World of Warcraft herself, and had figured out that Alex had been hiding that she was too.  When Alex wasn’t home, Maggie had checked Alex’s laptop for the game and sure enough, there it was.  Feeling only marginally intrusive, she had quickly powered up Alex’s version of the game and found out the server and character name of what she guessed to be Alex’s main, added herself to Alex’s friendlist (hoping she wasn’t one to look at it very often) then quickly exited everything and closed the laptop.

                Now that Maggie knew, she’d been waiting for a chance to confront Alex about it, but had been trying to figure out how.  They’d only been on their computers for a minute or two before Maggie got an alert that Alex had signed in on her main character, and Maggie grinned as she realized that not only were they on opposite factions, but also on a Player vs. Player server.  Thanks to the in game friend system, Maggie could see what zone Alex’s character was in and quickly headed her way.  Once there, she got on her most impressive flying mount (unable to resist the urge to show off) and took to the skies, searching for Alex’s character. It took nearly ten minutes of searching, but finally she saw her, farming a mining node at the base of a hill.

                Maggie swooped down and charged Alex’s character without warning, her eyes flipping to Alex’s face as she did so, watching the faint flickers of surprise, then determination, then mild disappointment as Maggie killed her character pass over Alex’s face.    Maggie retreated some distance away as Alex’s spirit ran back to her corpse, then after a moment or two, attacked again.  Alex put up a better fight this time, apparently having anticipated a second attack, but her feral druid was no match for Maggie’s well-geared demon hunter. Alex’s lips had pressed together into a thin, annoyed line as she was forced to do a second corpse run, and Maggie repressed a smile, wondering how long it would take her to break.

                After the third kill, Alex’s foot started tapping impatiently. After the fourth, she took a big gulp of wine, staring at her screen with a look of murder in her eyes, and Maggie had a hard time keeping in a laugh.  The fifth time, Alex nearly managed to kill Maggie’s character, but Maggie just barely defeated her, which seemed to unhinge Alex.

                “Oh come ON,” Alex growled furiously under her breath.  Maggie put on a mask of innocence and looked up, as though only just noticing Alex’s frustration.

                “Problem, babe?”

                “No, it’s fine.”  Alex sounded grumpy, and Maggie had to bite her lip to keep laughing.  

                After the sixth kill, Alex had died enough times that the game was forcing her to wait before she was able to get back into her character’s body, and her foot started tapping faster, more impatiently.  Maggie laughed silently to herself, aware that she was enjoying this a little too much, but unwilling to drop the bomb just quite yet.

                Maggie decided to let Alex think she’d left and so she retreated, flying off to a nearby mountain and settling there for a few, letting Alex get on her own mount and run away.  She heard Alex mutter “finally” under her breath and presumably go back to what she’d been doing before. Once Maggie had determined that Alex had let her guard down a bit -her foot had stopped tapping and she no longer looked like she wanted to murder the screen- Maggie zoomed along on her flying mount, located that purple panther running through the undergrowth and dropped down, sending a warglaive flying in her direction.   Alex immediately puffed up in indignation and Maggie was unable to stop a soft laugh from escaping, though Alex was so angry and absorbed that she didn’t hear.

                “What the HELL?” Alex snapped, glaring at her screen and throwing her hands up in frustration.  She seemed to forget herself as she seethed, scowling at the computer as her character’s health disappeared once again.  “What’d I do to deserve this griefing?!”  She seemed to realize suddenly that she’d spoken out loud and her expression changed to one of wide-eyed horror, then she quickly tried to banish the look and replace it with a nonchalant one.  Maggie knew that the time was perfect and she smirked at Alex before speaking in an even, measured tone.

                “Maybe you shouldn’t have rolled a night elf.  Alliance scum.”

                Alex’s nonchalance disappeared as she stared at Maggie, dumbfounded, for several moments.  The silence was thick between them as Maggie fought to maintain a neutral expression and Alex’s gears turned.  Finally it seemed to click and Alex’s confusion turned to shock, amazement and then accusation.

                “YOU! You’re the demon hunter stalking my ass?!” Alex yelped, half-standing and pointing at Maggie accusingly.  Maggie grinned, unable to stop herself from laughing at the look on Alex’s face.

                “Well, it’s a great ass, can you blame me for stalking it?” Maggie asked innocently, laughing as Alex made a noise of disgust mixed with incredulity.  

                “Oh my god!  How long have you known?!”  Alex asked, still shocked and staring at Maggie, torn between amazement and embarrassment as she sat herself back down in her chair.  

                “A week or two.  I’ve suspected for longer.”

                “How did you figure it out?!”               “I’m a detective, Danvers, I detect.”

                “Very funny.”

                They sat there for a minute just looking at each other, Alex shaking her head, looking both amused and still vaguely scandalized, and Maggie just grinning back at her.  

                “Is that your main?” Alex asked after a while, gesturing at the screen.

                “Nah.  Usually an orc warrior, but I’m bifactional.  I have several toons on both sides.” Maggie smiled at the incredulous look on Alex’s face.  “Though I do prefer Horde.  Lok’tar Ogar.”  Alex shook her head with a disbelieving grin.

                “You are a huge nerd, Maggie Sawyer.”

                “A little rich coming from you, isn’t it, Danvers?” Maggie asked, amused.

                “It’s Winn’s fault!  He got me addicted a few years ago, I didn’t choos-”

              “Please tell me you’re not about to say “I didn’t choose the nerd life, it chose me”,” Maggie groaned, shaking her head.  Alex grinned sheepishly at her, as that had been exactly what she’d been about to say, and Maggie knew it.  

                “Fine, I’m a huge nerd too.  Happy?” Alex asked, playfully scowling at Maggie.

                “Definitely happy,” Maggie said, grinning.  “I’ll switch toons.  Let’s go kill some demons.”

                Maggie logged out of her Horde character and onto an Alliance one, joined back up with Alex’s and together, they mounted their noble steeds and rode off into the heart of the Legion to slay as many demons as they could get their nerdy, virtual hands on.

[anhed-nia]

once every week, i have to have a half hour meeting with my boss to discuss recent developments, ongoing projects, etc. a few weeks ago, he changed our regular time slot to first thing in the morning. this was absolutely great for me, because whenever i have this meeting, i spend every moment leading up to it in a state of low grade fear and paranoia, trying to script every second of it in my mind and make sure it fills as close to 30 minutes as possible. some people have bad bosses, people who insult them, embarrass them in front of clients or colleagues, or generally harass or exploit them. my boss isn’t that psychologically violent, at least to me. he appears to genuinely believe that everything he does is aimed at positive growth for both his reports and the company. in spite of that, or sometimes because of it, he’s completely impossible to deal with.

my first unresolvable problem is, why am i spending so much time with him? in a typical week, we have a half hour department meeting where i discuss my team’s current issues, a half hour interdepartmental meeting where i can address anything extra for my team that’s outside the bounds of the other meeting, a half hour team meeting to which he has a standing invitation, and finally, our half hour tete a tete where i regurgitate all the things i said in at least 2 out of the 3 other meetings. this week, because we missed last week, he has rescheduled last friday’s one-on-one for today, meaning that we’ll have this meeting right before the department meeting, and then aNOTHer one-on-one in 48 hours. even when our 1-1s are more appropriately isolated, they always feel like an especially cold blind date, or a visit with a relative who doesn’t even like you but feels entitled to your time and attention anyway. yes i realize it’s fucked up for me to conflate the two, but i gotta be real. you say a bunch of rote shit that the person already knows from your profile or whatever, and they invent some forced questions to ask about you, and they find some ill-fitting way to make it seem like your personal items are actually relevant to them, and then you sort of drift off, and if you’re me, spend the rest of the day trying to figure out if you said the right things, even though you don’t actually have any investment in the relationship.

the second problem is, this guy has nothing to offer me. he doesn’t really understand how my job works, but he still has opinions on how it SHOULD work, based on his experience at a totally different company. if i invite him to offer suggestions, he always glibly points me to some documentation that i’ve already read and already told him doesn’t relate to my tasks or responsibilities. on one occasion, after i’d essentially built my whole job out of thin air because what else could i do in this situation, he actually claimed that he had refused to provide me with any guidance ON PURPOSE, i guess in some sort of demented sink-or-swim experiment? the implication was that he’s a really smart boss for insidiously forging me in this way, which i found pretty insulting.

the third problem is that if he DOES decide to get involved with something i’m doing, it’s a total disaster, because of his aforementioned ignorance about how things actually work around here vs how they worked at his previous gig. a friend of mine’s grandmother likes to say, “if i have a problem, well, that’s just one problem. but if i tell your grandfather, then i have TWO problems.” that’s a pretty good description of my daily experience here. i’ll show him some math on how long something we’ve never done before MIGHT take us to finish, and then he’ll do his own math, and still reserve the right to be outraged when i can’t force things to go according to his entirely abstract plans. if i express concern that we’re going to lose some of our regular work to technological changes, he’ll go around finding things for us to do that don’t make any sense for my team’s actual responsibilities. he always frames these proposals as “what do you think? it’s up to you!” but if we refuse, with carefully constructed reasons, he ignores us and re-proposes until it becomes clear that he’s already made a decision for us, and “what do you think? it’s up to you!” is just some sort of distracting rhetorical formality. if i’m naive enough to let him know about a recent issue that we resolved successfully by ourselves, he makes me backtrack through it and comes up with all sorts of snippy alien arguments about it until our hard work either risks being undone, or is actually negated—the former case can be somewhat worse, since the only result is a huge waste of time predicated on a “problem” that is already dead and buried. sometimes i wish he would learn to keep things to himself in such cases, but it’s not really that much more comforting when he suddenly reveals that he’s been silently angry with me for something i did three months ago, that he opted not to address. other times the problem is the inverse, that he doesn’t respond properly to active, explicit discussion, like when i complete a project with my team for my team’s particular use, and no matter how many times i show him the results and what we use them for, he stubbornly maintains the delusion that we’ve just been diagonally leeching off of another team’s similar project for the last year. sometimes our differences could be resolved if he were just clearer about WHY he thinks what he thinks: for instance, when he asks me the same question every week for a month and i keep giving him the same answer, i naturally assume he’s just not paying attention, so it’s upsetting when he finally reveals that he’s been cross-referencing my answer with someone else’s and finding holes in my work that he has refused to reveal to me, thus refusing me an opportunity to improve what i’m doing, depriving the company of a better quality of output, etc.

what i’m trying to say is, i don’t wanna talk to this guy, ever, for any reason. it doesn’t improve my actual work, and it makes me even more uncomfortable at this dumb job than i actually need to be based on all of its other native problems.   i’ve been here for seven years, and my circumstances right now SHOULD make my worklife relatively painless, allowing me to go home at the end of the day feeling like a person, but instead there is now a part of my brain with no off switch, that does absolutely nothing but wonder about what’s going to happen the next time i talk to this guy, and how i’m going to minimize the damage to myself and my reports, if at all possible. i’m fully aware that in changing jobs, i could just as easily wind up with some sneering, bigoted, ass-pinching nightmare person, leaving me totally overworked and overtly terrorized, but i guess no matter what your life is like, it’s hard to feel grateful for whatever is usually the worst part of your day.

[sworded-love]

On Megan Ganz, Dan Harmon, The Power of Acknowledgment, and What Really Happened to Community

Hoo boy. Have I got thoughts.

So let’s begin with a show. Community. It ran on NBC a while back and was the show Dan Harmon was known for long before Rick and Morty. The first few seasons are some of the best written, consistently funny TV I’d seen in a long time. I recommended it to all of my friends. We discussed characters. Charted the success of Donald Glover who we’d only seen in YouTube videos up until that point. And then the gas leak year happened; those of you who have seen the show know exactly what I mean. The show had a dramatic drop in quality, there were rumors of drama happening back stage, and there was a sense of something being deeply wrong. At the time, it was charted to Dan Harmon’s increasingly notorious reputation of being “difficult to work with.” (Sidenote – when men are perceived as difficult to work with, they are forgiven as misunderstood geniuses who are trying their best. When women are perceived as difficult in a similar fashion, they’re called something else. Can confirm.) The show ended, got revived, and died again. Dan went on to make HarmonQuest, Rick and Morty, and continue his podcast of HarmonTown. This was almost the end of the story.

It’s 2018 now, thank whichever deity and force you believe in. Things aren’t so much changing as being uncovered and being forced to change. I was clicking through the Mary Sue, like I do sometimes, when I read a piece about Megan Ganz. A name I’d never heard. But I saw her name, Community, Dan Harmon, and “call-out” and thought, Ugh, another one. So I clicked. And I read. So should you, especially if you’re a fan like I am.: https://www.themarysue.com/megan-ganz-dan-harmon-community-abusive/. 

This was last week. The story was recently updated in a direction I did not quite expect. Here’s some more homework for you: https://www.themarysue.com/megan-ganz-thread-dan-harmon/. For a TL;DR – Harmon dedicated a full seven minutes of his podcast to address Ganz’s accusation. He retold what happened from his perspective, what he has learned from it, admitted wrongdoing, asked for forgiveness without expecting or demanding it, and the most important part, he acknowledged that it happened. 

I’m typing that again – he acknowledged that it happened.

I’m going to be as frank as I choose to be, this being the Internet and me being someone who holds certain things close to her chest. Reading that and hearing Dan Harmon admit that yes, Megan Ganz wasn’t imagining things and yes, what he did was wrong, is worth more than any “sorry”. I cannot begin to describe how many apologies I have received and (until I learned better) given that were focused on the hurt and not what caused it. “I’m sorry I hurt you somehow. I’m sorry you felt that way. I’m sorry this happened but it’s over now.” And for a very long time, longer than it was healthy, those words always rang so hollow to me. Sorry didn’t mean much. It still doesn’t, honestly. Anyone can say sorry and let that be the “end of it.” Anyone can use sorry as a pass for their bad behavior. Anyone can use sorry as a band-aid for a gaping wound they don’t have to live with. I recognize that this pattern of thinking is unhealthy and I’m working to change my perspective. Definitely a lifetime project. 

This, however, was the first time I heard, in detail, someone owning what they did entirely. Without justification. Without seeking sympathy. Without trying to leave the impression that any of what they did was ok. And calling for the opposite of support for him, telling others not to act on his behalf. At no point did Dan Harmon minimize Megan Ganz’s experience or pain. At no point did he compete with her pain and start the “what about me?” game. He did not paint her as making a mountain over a molehill, the way so many others tend to do when “apologizing.” He even gave some great insight that I’m going to quote here – “And I got away with it by not thinking about it. And if she hadn’t mentioned something on Twitter, I would have continued to not have to think about it. Although, I did walk around with my stomach in knots about it. But I wouldn’t have had to talk about it. And the last and most important thing I can say is just, think about it. No matter who you are at work, no matter where you’re working, no matter what field you’re in, no matter what position you have over, or under, or side-by-side with somebody. Just think about it. You gotta. Because if you don’t think about it, you’re gonna get away with not thinking about it, and you can cause a lot of damage that is ‘technically legal’ and hurts everybody.”

As someone who is trying to human a bit better, day by day, this spoke to my core. It moved me to write all of this. There is something key here that I would like to posit to all of my readers here. There is an enormous difference between “letting something go” and “not thinking about something.” The former is healthy. It is removing a weight that is harming you. It is forgiving and moving on. It is no longer allowing a pain to rule over you and to control your being. The latter is unhealthy. It is avoiding learning a lesson and avoiding consequences. It is carrying on like nothing happened and hurting others again and again. It is choosing to a have a fuzzy memory of bad behavior and pretending to be surprised when that same behavior repeats.

I urge you, please learn the difference. Dan Harmon did. He owned his part of the problem. Admittedly, he was dragged into owning it, because this is a not a perfect world in which people immediately realize and own their mistakes.  If this were a perfect world, things such as these wouldn’t happen in the first place. So I have respect, still, for Dan Harmon; I’m not gatekeeping his apology. That said, my respect triples for Megan Ganz for having the backbone too many of us have to have in order to survive and for being an example of how to address what she went through with self-love, self-respect, and empathy. 

The mystery of why Community spiraled out of control has been answered. As it turns out, it was something that took years to be addressed, like many traumas. There’s a sense of closure in knowing what happened. And now I have a name to the person who wrote some of my favorite episodes, Megan Ganz. Above all things, this has helped me name the root of something that’s bothered me for years - I thought “letting things go” and “not thinking about things” were one and the same, and they’re really not. Letting go doesn’t mean you never think about whatever it is you’re letting go ever again. It’s keeping the lesson it teaches you, whatever that may be. It’s been a day. Eye-opening. Peaceful. I’m glad I caught up on the Mary Sue. It did me some good. <3