#i just have to keep introspecting

[bongsavior]

why does everyone else's state dictate how i'm doing? why do i obsess over how everyone is, except for myself?

[batsplat]

always am obsessed with motorsport champions that decide to run the number 1 plate vs those who’ve stuck with their number. because it reveals so much of each of their inner philosophies, whether they are deeply superstitious, or seek a tangible everyday proof of their victory, or concerned with branding/legacies, or trampling the inner critic that believed deep inside of them that they were cut out to be a champion. just so interesting to parse through possible motivations

you're so right anon!!

of course, a big part of it is historical context... you can't really disentangle the choice of whether to run the number one plate or not from the era within which they made said choice. until fairly recently, it was entirely the norm to pick the number one plate - and beyond that, even those who didn't finish in first tended to just adopt the number that represented the place they had finished in during the previous year's championship. so for instance in 1987, gardner was first, mamola second, lawson third, haslam fourth, macckenzie fifth, and so on. in 1988, gardner ran the number 1 plate... mamola 2, lawson 3, haslam 4, mackenzie 5, etc etc. the only champion who broke with tradition was british racer barry sheene (500cc champion in 1976 and 1977), known for being a rebel - and even the styling of his iconic number 7 was apparently a wee bit controversial:

sheene stuck with the 7 both after his formula 750 title and then after his two 500cc titles:

there's some ways in which sheene is kinda the prototype of the modern rider, and he was the first to reap the benefits of having a distinctive number associated with him

in the eighties and nineties, it was all back to number one plates - but then of course another rider decided to break with tradition

incidentally, the generally purported story for why valentino took the number 46 is that it was his father's number. if his autobiography is to be believed, the truth is a little different:

I am Valentino. Graziano chose that name for me because he wanted to honour the memory of his best friend, who drowned at sea, near Pesaro, at the age of eighteen. The fact that St Valentine's Day is just two days before my birthday was also a reason. Number 46 originated when I raced minibikes. I was on a team with two kids from Gatteo a Mare, Marco and Maurizio Pagano. They are the brothers who lent me the Aprilia 125, which I used for my debut at Misano. All three of us had number 46 because we raced in three different categories. They too loved Japan and Japanese riders. One day we were mesmerised by a wild-card entrant at the Japanese Grand Prix who pulled off the most amazing tricks and seemed to have no fear whatsoever. He was number 46. And from that day on, so were we. For me, that lasted until I moved up to the Italian championship and, later, the European series. But when I finally made it to the world championship, I was asked to choose a number. I discovered that 46 was Graziano’s number when he won his first Grand Prix on a Morbidelli 250cc, back in 1979. Which was the year I was born. That’s why I decided that I, too, would be number 46. For me that number represents my career and, partly, my life. It certainly symbolises my massive, incredible, adventure. 

so valentino was only the second premier class rider who stuck with his number. the norm of just following the previous year's standings to choose your number was kinda starting to die out in the late nineties anyway. by 2002, when valentino was defending his title for the first time, if you look down the list it's basically personal numbers all the way. still, valentino was the one to break tradition for champions - the first to do so in a couple of decades. valentino did also know sheene personally as a result of the link through his father, who was a friend of sheene's and had raced him:

^valentino with sheene, valentino wearing a tribute helmet with the iconic '7' on it after sheene's passing (also with the rainbow helmet colours and the word 'pace' or 'peace' on the back during the 2003 invasion of iraq), and valentino's 2005 championship celebrations for his seventh title, his shirt again featuring sheene's seven

hayden didn't follow valentino's example and instead went for the number one plate in 2007. casey made the same choice for the 2008 season, then jorge in 2011... so for a hot moment it really did look like valentino had been just another blip. if anything, the trend was going the other way, with a couple of high profile instances of riders who hadn't won the title rejecting their established numbers:

this particular trend didn't catch on, and from 2010 onward dani decided to just stick with the 26. because all the non-valentino aliens just couldn't stop faffing about with their numbers, 2010 is the only year in which all four aliens are actually concurrently running the numbers we most commonly associate them with

then, by 2012 apparently people were starting to get a bit superstitious about the number one plate. here, from an interview with casey:

the idea is that you can't defend the title if you're sporting the number one plate. which is true! in the 21st century, three guys chose the number one plate, and they defended their titles a grand total of zero times. one bloke stuck to his number, and he defended his title five out of seven times. so yes, it is technically correct that nobody with the number one plate had defended their title, though it is equally true that nobody not called valentino rossi had defended their title. I suppose we'll never know what the bigger factor was

anyways, if picking the number one plate was already a sure thing before, I reckon this sort of silly talk about 'jinxes' would have made casey even less likely to change his mind for 2012. not only is he stubborn, but he also takes an extremely dim view on superstitions

That race was the twelfth in a row that had been won by a rider not starting from pole, which was a new record. People were making a big deal about it and questioning whether, psychologically speaking, it wasn't a good thing to qualify on pole position at all. Maybe to the superstitious riders out there it had become an issue but I have never allowed myself to be affected by outside influences like that and I put an end to the stat by winning from pole in the next round at Laguna Seca in California. It is amazing how many riders have superstitions, which to me are completely ridiculous. Pretty much every one of them has a little mascot or a lucky pair of undies that they once had a good result in and have been stuck with ever since (so to speak!). Superstition is basically just fear and as an athlete my view is that by allowing it to enter your mind you are effectively handing over control. My approach has always been to deliberately tackle it by doing things differently to the last time, just to make sure I don't get into a restrictive habit. Some riders look at their qualifying position and think, I never go well from fifth position, or arrive at a circuit thinking about past results there and say, 'I've never done well here before, it's not my favourite circuit.' You have to be in the mindset that every day is a new day, a new set of circumstances. Every corner is different, every situation is different, and if you are not prepared to open your mind to that then you will always struggle more than necessary. You might have been through one particular corner a thousand times before but with a slight change in temperature, a new bike, a different tyre or a rider trying to pass you on the inside it becomes a completely different challenge and you have to be ready to deal with that.

given that casey is like, neurotically anti-superstition - well, he was probably always going to do the same thing as he did in 2008, but now he definitely would never just stick with his number. unlike jorge... who did change his mind, having run the number one plate in 2011 - but decided against making the switch in 2013. funnily enough, this did not help him defend the title. the eventual 2013 champion ended up also opting to stick with his number... and, well, marc's title defence went a little bit more smoothly. after jorge's 2015 title, he once again stuck to his 99, while marc has used the number 93 throughout his career. by the time you get to 2020, it's easy to have a warped perception of how common it is to keep your number. if you're born in, say, 1997 or later, you think it's basically the done thing to stick to your number, and it's really only a few outliers who use the number one plate. but even in the 21st century... it's really just valentino and marc who were doing it, plus jorge two out of three times. but between the two of them, they sure were winning enough of the titles to make it feel like the established norm

by this point, there really was a bit of a superstition about how the number one plate was 'cursed'. obviously, this wasn't actually a 'curse' as much as it was 'the dominant force in the sport in the noughties decided this number one plate thing wasn't for him and the dominant force in the 2010s who also happens to a massive fan of the other guy also decided not to make the switch either so that probably explains it'. it's not 'you won't defend your title if you're sporting the number one plate', it's 'you won't defend your title if your name isn't valentino rossi or marc marquez'. but obviously, sports drives people insane, so it was always going to be something that prompted a lot of speculation until someone finally managed to defend the plate

following his 2020 championship, mir didn't depart from the new tradition, with a suzuki video to announce his decision:

and fabio did likewise after his 2021 title:

obviously, sticking to their numbers didn't actually help joan and fabio defend their titles, and after his 2022 championship it was pecco's turn to make the choice. pecco went about this in the most pecco way imaginable, with just a touch of public hand-wringing about the whole thing:

just as a quick reminder, before pecco there had been 28 premier class champions. five and two thirds decided against the number one plate - sheene, valentino, marc, joan, fabio, and jorge twice. "I have always been fascinated about riders with number one" describes something that until very recently had been completely normal. not even remotely noteworthy. cheers valentino

eventually, presumably after some extremely extensive introspection, pecco decided to go for the number one plate:

and also this:

and also this (look he's got a lot of thoughts on the matter, please allow him):

and talking about defending the number one:

pecco has continued talking about it sporadically since then. he's spoken about it in the context of defending his title, which as he points out he can only remember marc and valentino doing:

and then the pressure inherent to sporting that plate, from after he'd successfully completed his title defence:

hm. right. let's unpack

the thing about this whole 'running the number one plate' business is that in motogp, each rider's individual choice has to be read with that history in mind. for many years, this wasn't even really a question... it's just what you do when you win the title. sheene was the rebel, the one who decided to do things differently, who wanted to be associated with his very own number. and valentino, who himself knew sheene and was already attached to his own number and has always had a good sense for personal branding, decided to stick with 46. of course, valentino being valentino, he's inescapable enough within motogp that ever since he made that choice, every single champion after him has had to actively make a decision one way or another

so you've got jorge, who had used the number one plate in his title defence during his 250cc campaign in 2007 - and also used it in 2011 as motogp defending champion. he ended up changing his mind for his following two campaigns... remember, he only started using the number 99 in 2009 after his fractious split with his manager during 2008 (see more on numbers lore here). here was what he said about his decision in 2011:

versus his decision in 2015:

jorge in particular does of course have a bit of a complicated relationship with the numbers he's used during his career - and unsurprisingly he's clearly put quite a lot of thought into the whole matter. he's determined to still have the number 99 represent him in some way even in 2011, while also thinking about how he can integrate the number one into his initials - and since it's jorge, of course it's particularly important that his fans approve. he "won't forget" his 99, it was still on his leathers because it's still 'in his heart'... but he explains it by saying he has "earned the right", that it's a "unique opportunity". then, a few years later, his main cited reason for sticking with the number 99 is how it 'represents' him

very much a question of identity, then, something about how jorge made the choice to use the 99 and how it was an expression of liberation for him... he was tempted by the number one once and only once - a statement in itself, following on from jorge's title win in 2010 where the oppressively popular defending champion had been taken out of contention through injury. jorge says he's 'earned the right' because he feels like he deserves it and he wants to tell the world as much. did his failure to defend the title play into his decision not to run the plate again or did he just decide it wasn't really for him after all? did he realise he had grown so attached to the number 99, what it symbolised to him, that he didn't want to give it up again? or did he just realise it was better for personal branding?

last year, here's what casey had to say:

it's fun how the perception of it has changed so drastically, hasn't it? now it's kinda the brave decision to take it... and that's mainly the legacy of two blokes who happened to monopolise this century of racing and decided to make their numbers their own (you may have noticed that there's considerably less material out there on why they made the choice they did). it's gone from something that you just sort of did automatically to something that puts a bit of a target on your back. because that's the subtext, right - everyone wants to 'take the number one plate'... which obviously they do anyway, but all this talk of curses and jinxes attempts to give it a bit of extra weight. is it presumptuous to take that number? valentino and marc made the call to stick to their numbers - and years later it's become a statement to deviate from that path. in that fabio quote above, in context he's really just trying to say he feels like he's the number 20 and nothing other than that - but "I feel like I'm not number one" is still a teensy bit loaded. how did marc's injury affect the choice made by those in his absence?

casey is unsurprisingly very firm on the whole thing, "you are world champion and you should be wearing number one". as if doing anything else is shying away from this duty. defending the title is another "challenge" that he says he likes - almost like a way of putting extra pressure on himself. though in a different interview, casey also says this:

just a number after all, then? it's also interesting how they frame it in different ways, isn't it? for casey it's "recognition" of an achievement, for jorge it's something you've "earned"... and for pecco, it's something you "need to respect". it's about something that puts "pressure" on you... perhaps that's partly because so much of the discourse about the number one plate has become about defending the title (or failing to do so), but pecco discusses it more as a responsibility than something he deserves. you can tell that it's clearly preoccupied him for a while - it's something he's "fascinated" by, he's "admired" people who have done it, he's "always loved it". for both casey and pecco, part of it seems to be about respecting the history of all the blokes who have used the number in the past, like it's an act that pays tribute to that heritage. you'd think this shouldn't have been such a tough choice in the first place, wouldn't you? goes to show how much of a break with tradition it's become - tradition, of course, that was really started by pecco's own mentor. would it be that surprising if that's part of the reason for the reticence? and, at the same time, would it be that surprising that his mentor's long shadow might make him feel like he needs that big and bold number one? what does pecco think it's saying that he went a different way? all this public hand-wringing just because he's breaking a trend

for jorge, the number one plate was a public declaration that he'd made it, naysayers be damned. to pecco, "the number one plate means you need to demonstrate you are number one". it's like giving yourself a point to prove... is it mainly a matter of pride or giving yourself something to live up to? both of them go to great pains to stress their continued attachment to their original number, how they're continuing to integrate it into all their cute designs... and that is something that has changed pretty definitively - not entirely as a result of valentino, but around the same time as valentino emerged as the figurehead of the sport, and he's certainly a big part of it. even the riders who go with the number one still want to have their number and to be known by it. the numbers have become such an integral part of branding and rider identity that riders want to make clear how important they are to them, whether they stick with the number as defending champions or not

at the same time, the fact that taking the number one plate has been de-normalised means that this decision places extra focus on the challenge of defending the title. pecco might not frame his choice in opposition to valentino and marc's to keep their numbers, but he does repeatedly link it to how they alone had been able to win successive titles. for him, then, it becomes an indirect way of living up to a legacy - counterintuitively by doing the opposite of what they did. "since I remember, was just marc and vale have repeated the title" “I thought about it many times this season in all the races we were struggling that the only two riders able to win two years in a row were marc and valentino"... that's what he's trying to live up to, this simultaneous source of inspiration and insecurity. are you lacking confidence if you need to see the number one to believe yourself that you are the number one? or is it conversely shying away from something you have rightfully earned if you can't bring yourself to take the plate? is it an expression of ego if you think your personal number is more meaningful than the number one could ever be? personal branding decisions aside, wouldn't manufacturers much rather you display the number one plate proudly on their bikes?

kind of remarkable, isn't it? it should be such a simple choice... and yet. not only is it now a question of branding and identity, but within motogp it's also become one of how you relate to the legacy of two specific riders. maybe it'll gradually become more common again to take the plate - after all, the curse has now been broken. or maybe it will be the source of much hand-wringing forevermore... we shall see. we shall see

[measurelessdreamer]

Again with X-Men: The Last Stand because I can’t help myself… are there any scogan fanfics where everything happened the same way except Logan stayed at the school afterwards and fell in love with Scott posthumously? It’s not original at all (yes, I got it from BvS superbat fanfics), but I can’t get it out of my head.

You have this guilt-ridden Logan who still sees Jean the same way he does in The Wolverine but the focus is also on everything else that was taken. Charles is gone along with his heir, but the school and the X-Men need to continue somehow even if no one knows how and they need to figure it out. Ororo takes up most of the work, but she’s struggling and Logan is helping her but is still being shit at following orders and sometimes he has to make a lot of calls too because it’s a new dynamic for her and sometimes she forgets and it’s through this experience that he truly sees how difficult being Cyclops must have been for Scott.

Then there is Hank who helps out a lot too because the school and the idea of it needs to be kept alive as well and they need all the help they can get. He and Logan spend a lot of time together (because “You and I are gonna be good friends. You just don’t know it yet.” is there for the taking) and Hank can’t help but talk about Charles and Scott and it’s horrible and Logan doesn’t want him to, but he knows it’s necessary because they can’t just let go even if they should and it’s hard for Logan especially because there was no choice when it came to killing Jean and when it came to Charles, he went the same way he’d lived most of his life - by helping people. And so there is remorse things worked out that way, but with Scott, it’s different. Because he didn’t choose it and it was a pretty shitty way to go all things considered and he was Scott. He had so much to live for and in retrospect Logan can see that he should have tried harder (because “I think it’s time for us to move on,” is nice in theory, but does it work in practice?) or at least tried to stop him from leaving that day when it was so obvious he needed help.

And now that Logan can see Jean, it does occur to him that she might have messed with Scott’s head the same she is doing right now with his and if that were true, it’s horrible that none of them knew.

I imagine that maybe, though, Logan can only see her. That for some reason she cannot talk to him though it seems she tries and wants to tell him something and he doesn’t know what and he loses it a couple of times because he didn’t ask for this and he most definitely didn’t ask to miss Scott now that he finally gets to know him and it’s too late to do anything about it.

But then, Scott does come back (somehow, I don’t know how) and it’s him, there is no doubt and he remembers everything and Logan hates to be the one to tell him what happened after his “death”, but somehow it falls up to him and he has no hopes that Scott will even want him at the school, let alone talk to him, but Scott keeps surprising him and this is not the end of them at all and eventually love comes in from Scott’s side as well.

[beartitled]

I absolutely am proud of the work you do. And I appreciate what you draw no matter what fandoms as it's wonderful. But I'm curious if you're falling interest out of Stanley Parable? I know it's a silly question. But I've seen a lot artists fall out and just wanted to check.

Even if i came from that era. I'll still support your adventures no matter what!💖

Awww glad you enjoy my art ❤️💞🥹 Your support means a lot ❤️

I wouldn’t say I lost interest in TSP, I just not actively creating content for the fandom nowadays + moved on to other things

Do you mean “fall out” as leave the fandom entirely? Then nope

I think many ppl in the fandom went through “narrator to oc” pipeline (me included 😈) and started moving away from the og game

Which is a good thing on my opinion

It frees people to create and explore without being restrained by the canon

Or some ppl just moved on to different things/fandoms, which is totally normal

It’s actually very impressive to me how an office simulator with a British guy/silly

attracted such creative fanbase, like damn 💥

Tsp is my first fandom I actively took part in (and I would say the longest from the fandoms I were in so far), so TSP will always have a place in my tiny bear heart 🐻‍❄️❤️

[sea-buns]

Holy fuck, man. What a trip Fearne has been on, huh?

You tell her how grateful you are to have her in your life, you flatter her, you tell her you need her, that you have to do this together. You have her make a promise that has this woman, born of chaos and fey, agreeing through shaking hands and a trembling voice.

You make her deceive your friends; you make her follow where they cannot know; you make her help you into this contraption; you make her feed this thing into you despite the fact that you both have been warned extensively of the risks. You make her watch you crumble and splinter and shatter and fracture and burst and implode. You make her watch you die, over and over and over and over, for a minute in agonizing bullet time.

You make her do all these things, because when she tries to back out, when she tries to not be the one who let you do this—how could you do this—

you tell her, "YOU PROMISED."

Because if there's one thing you know, it's that the fey do not break a promise.

[studentbyday]

week 4 / small commitments challenge

I read a tumblr post talking about how our experiences in young adulthood are so varied that while we aren't alone in those experiences, we are actually so alone...Maybe that's why I sometimes find myself thinking of the future more than the present because surely by that stage, I won't be so alone in that sense anymore. I felt that way in high school about university and I feel that way now in undergrad about whatever lies ahead. But what if I just took time to enjoy what there is to enjoy in my current category of experience? Stopped thinking happiness and belonging of that type lies never now but at some future destination? Perhaps I will stop feeling so behind in life because I've stopped thinking there is only one right path to follow to live a life that is satisfying to me. Perhaps I will feel less alone.

🪴 tomato garden (50/10): M: no timer today bc it's annoying to keep pausing and unpausing whenever smth happens irl that doesn't neatly fit the timer T: better to get as much sh*t done as i can than to have the pressure of a timer (never enough time 😭) burning a hole in the back of my mind 😪 W: 🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅+(1/2 🍅) (felt better today, hence the "tomato planting") Th: 🍅🍅🍅+(1/2 🍅) F: 🍅🍅🍅🍅 I also studied on Saturday (😭) and tried and failed to on Sunday (couldn't bring myself to focus...felt so drained 😪😭) but saw no point in tracking my time. I get things done when I get them done regardless. Sometimes a timer is just discouraging.

😎 side quests: 🐸 yoga: 🧘🏻‍♀️🧘🏻‍♀️🧘🏻‍♀️🧘🏻‍♀️ (fell off the bandwagon with this, but oh well) 📝 journalling: 🖋️🖋️🖋️🖋️🖋️🖋️🖋️(this REALLY saves my gears from spinning too much late into the night when i'm anxious. also serves as my main and important form of catharsis during the struggle towards semester's end ❤️‍🩹 i can't wait to feel alive again)

[aeb-art]

i was trying to make up side characters for @8um8le's space friends and thought "every show needs a grump"

i'm not gonna finish this though, so y'all can have it now o7

[yeehawmeowqing]

sometimes the ache will press against your bones as though searching for a home you cannot give and yet still you yearn for something unidentifiable something just out of reach as though it exists only directly to the left of your field of vision no matter how far you turn to seek it

[kurokoros]

the Duffers really are just 0/3 on cool plotlines they could have done for Steve like. exploring his family life in any meaningful way? confirming he sustained a traumatic brain injury during S2 and saying that he lost sport scholarships because he couldn’t play basketball, baseball, or participate in swim meets his senior year of high school?? letting Steve come to the realization that the reason his relationships post-Nancy never last long isn’t because he’s still in love with her but instead because he’s terrified of having another person that he loves call him bullshit, call their relationship bullshit, and end up happy with the guy she cheated with???

but no, just make him pine for nancy fucking wheeler again. that’s great duffers. have some self-respect

[deargravity]

i’m in purgatory and by that i mean i am experiencing grief for the life i left behind and terror for the life i’m about to live and by that i mean this summer has been so transformative for me the idea of going back to who i used to be before is abhorrent to me and by that i mean i have cut off people who have kept me tethered to that regressive state of being and by that i mean i am no longer talking to any of my dear friends (middle school, high school, etc) anymore because i felt too trapped by their rigid, unrealistic expectations of me, it had gotten so unbearable that progress began to seem impossible to me and by that i mean i am feeling a loneliness so acute i begin to regret everything and consider looking back but i am doing my best to keep my eyes forward and by that i mean i am never going to be the person i was the last 3 years of my life and by that i mean better or for worse i want to feel at home in my body for once and i want to make the world a liveable place for myself and by that i mean i am grieving myself and all the time i wasted trying to build up the courage to do something and by that i mean i am trying so hard but i am learning to make peace with being tired and by that i mean i have made progress and i am going to put effort into being proud of myself. yeesh

[my-thoughts-and-junk]

just finished rick and morty season 2 and god. i wish season 3 was just summer going on romps to try and save her grandfather from space prison. intersected with sideplots of her grandfather being interrogated for info and giving a different backstory each time.

[roughentumble]

There is no justice for Junpei since his gf trapped him in a murder game twice and never apologised for giving him horrendous PTSD and somehow it feels like everyone except for me is just chill with it

[999/zero escape spoilers for anyone who cares]

i am actually also one of those people that thinks its fun and sexy that akane is off the walls and a conspiracy theorist and trapped him in a death game, sorry 😔 but i agree that he literally does Not get enough love or attention from the fandom, i really like junpei's character, and akane literally couldve picked ANYONE to be the pivotal person but it was junpei she knew, junpei she trusted, it was junpei who cared enough to pull through. he kept fighting no matter what!!! he was funny and nice and tenacious. like she was a little tiny baby girl who was going to die and she screamed out to the universe for help, and he heard her and he reached back for her.... even tho he was about to die too........ how could junpei's love for akane not rewrite your brainnnnn it was so GOOD. that's jumpy!!!! my best friend jumpy!!!!

[scrawnytreedemon]

Is it so bad that I don't really like ships of characters I simp and I only like the reader insert fics with them?

Yeah I can't deny I'm jealous of the canon x canon ships with my faves, knowing that they possibly can be together while I can't. I know it's dumb,so that's why I never hate on someone who likes those ships I just ignore it

Like Sefikura for example, I don't like it cuz I'm a massive hoe for Sephiroth,also bcuz sometimes they make the ship pretty icky,also bcuz Cloud is baby and I'm still angy at Sephy for mentally torturing my Babyboy like that

IT'S CHAOS WITH MY FICTIONAL FAVES!!!!!!

Nothing wrong with that, personally! I get wanting to indulge in the warmth of a good fantasy-- That is what alot of fiction is for, after all.

Bless you, anon. Alas, as someone also plagued with my own Dumb and Horrid Fictional Feelings, the brain can be such a little bitch when it comes to that stuff. Good on you for recognising how and why you feel that way, ignoring the stuff you don't like and focusing on what you do.

LMAO I get that completely. I should mention, though, that I am one of those people who indulges in the nastier side of the ship, lmaooo. Even so, I get why it wouldn't click with you.

(FR when is it not?)

[luneyverse]

the death of art the death of education the death of childhood the death of narrative the birth of christ as we believed he was a zombie and our father

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Beginning to really wonder how much of my financial concern is manufactured and handed to me as opposed to something I'm genuinely concerned by

[4giorno]

and yes im replaying my otc (one true character) again 1. because of the clown make up but 2. bc when i looked at astarion in a thumbnail of a yt video recommendation i thought 'i dont even know you anymore'