#i just love to see retired driver cameos!!!!

[skitskatdacat63]

2023 Miami Grand Prix - Post-Race Interviews - Jenson Button

[thepersonnamedsam]

hiii, love your stuff<33 could I maybe request a gen z reader blurb where after getting in a crash due to a mechanical issue everyone worries about her and she’s pissed because she felt seen as weak and vulnerable?? THANK U SO MUCH

life goes on

pairing: genz!driver x '23!grid and some seb cameo

summary: see request :)

word count: 2.1k

warnings: crash, blood, injury, anger issues, tears (idk if that’s a warning), media talks bad about genz!driver, foul language

note: thank you so much for the request!! i am not quite sure if i should write the genz!driver stories in a you pov or a she/her pov, what would you prefer, please let me know, ty :))

masterlist / taglist

It started with a bad day. FP1 was shit, FP2 was also not great. Her day was just not great. Free practice 3 was better, the car had finally responded to her again. In the first two laps, everything went smooth. She was already singing Smooth Operator in her head. But suddenly the car stirred, luckily she saved herself and didn’t crash, but she did retire from the session.

Her engineer and her sat together for Qualifying. She told him everything she noticed whilst driving.

„I feel like the steering wheel is not responding on time. It’s like it’s two seconds delayed, which is not good.“

He nodded and wrote it down on a notepad. „I feel like there’s nothing we can do, I can check with the mechanics, but qualifying is in two hours, which may not be enough time“, her race engineer told her. She sighed. The last two days were bad for y/n, she hasn’t slept good for at least four days. She nodded and told him that she’d be in her drivers room.

As qualifying started, she only got in one good lap before she had to retire. She was right, her steering wheel indeed had a slight delay. Which made turning corners very hard. She ended Q1 in P19, her worst result in qualifying yet. She was disappointed, in herself and in the car.

Her mechanics tried to fix the issue until the race started, but with no hope. She prepared herself for the race, knowing it would not be an easy one. She was scared, like scared shitless. She tried to call Sebastian during Q2, but he did not pick up. Opting for a quick text, she asked him to call her back as soon as possible.

Lewis heard what happened to y/n car during Q1 and wanted to comfort the young driver. With long strides he went to her motorhome. Her engineer just pointed to her drivers room as soon as he saw Lewis approach him. Three short knocks. Her head snapped up as the door opened. Lewis was standing there, looking pitiful and held his arms out.

„Are you okay, darling?“, he asked her as she nuzzled her head in his shoulders. She let her tears fall freely. Shaking her head she told him how she felt. „The steering wheel is delayed, which is so difficult to drive with and also dangerous. But my mechanics can’t fix it, they don’t know why it’s happening and a whole reboot of the system would take too long! I’m scared, Lewis. I don’t know what to do.“

His hand firm on her backside, he just held the young woman. Telling her to retire to not cause a crash would’ve been the best thing. Tell her to refuse to race. But he didn’t, knowing the girl and her ambitions. She would race, no matter what. She didn’t want to be seen as weak or even worse, girly.

She was girly, but not in the sense of racing. She was just as ‚manly‘ as the other drivers.

„I know that you will make the right decision about the whole situation“, Lewis told her. Oh, how wrong he was.

Q3 was finished with Verstappen on pole, as always, Perez on P2 and Leclerc on P3. Happy to see Charles starting this high, she went into the race with somewhat a good feeling. The first three laps were okay, she sank down to P20, DeVries overtook her with ease on the second corner, as she slowed down as much as possible to control the car. But the longer the race was, the more angry she got. It was not fair, the steering wheel was just not responding.

On lap 24 y/n’s car crashed. In corner eight, her steering wheel stopped working. Instead of a turn, the car just went straight into the pit wall. The front wing smashed against the wall, squashing it against her own car. Her head was spinning. What just happened?

„Red flag, the FIA just announced a red flag in corner eight. Seems like y/l/n crashed. Let’s hope she’s fine.“

Several team radios went through.

„Charles, y/n crashed in corner eight, there’s a red flag, be careful.“

„Lewis, there is a red flag.“

„Be careful, Max. You are approaching corner eight where y/n has had a crash.“

And many more. Everyone was concerned. What has happened? What did she do to crash her car like that. Was she responsive? Responsible? What was going on?

„y/n, please respond. The race has been stopped. What happened?“, her race engineer tried to speak to her, she was non-responsive.

„What the fuck, what happened?! Is she responsive? Are the medics on their way?“, Lewis was the first to address the situation. „We don’t know, we don’t see any medics yet, Lewis.“

And as Max pulled up to corner eight he hopped out of his car. He ran towards hers and yelled for her, to show him a sign that she was still alive, without a response. He was worried, he was always worried when someone crashed, but he was extra worried when she did.

„y/n! What happened? Are you okay? Please give me a sign!“, he tried it again, with no luck. He saw her helmet move, the flashy colours moving from side to side. „Ach godzijdank Ah, thank god“, he mumbled.

The medics arrived and ushered Max to the side. Taking her out of the car and laying her on a spinal board. Transporting her into the ambulance.

She was devastated. It was not her fault she crashed. But the media didn’t know that. They would accuse her of crashing yet another car. That she wasn’t good enough to be in Formula 1. They would report about her as if she wasn’t a human being and just something they could play with. They would talk about her like a doll. It was not fair.

Meanwhile on the paddock the talking began. Lewis was the most worried, he should’ve just told her to refuse racing. What if she suffered a serious injury? Like a neck or spine injury and couldn’t race anymore. It was his fault, that’s what he thought.

Lando was worried too, not really knowing what happened, he was just worried. She could be injured. The minutes went by without any news from her. They were hard for Lando.

Even Checo, who wasn’t usually a companion of y/n, was worried. He didn’t see what happened, but he heard from Max how the crash looked - bad, it looked bad.

„We hear from the medics; y/n is okay. At least that. Let’s hope the race will continue without another crash.“

Lewis released a breather, not knowing he heals so much air in his lungs. He was glad y/n was okay. He still felt bad, always feeling responsible for her. And now that she crashed, his head was spinning with gut wrenching thoughts and worry.

The FIA announced the green flag and the race continued without y/n. When she got back to her garage, her motorhome, she expected a angry team principal, angry mechanics and engineers, expect she was greeted with relieved sighs and shoulder droppings. Her engineer was the first one to embrace her. He told her how sorry he was and how everything was definitely not her fault.

She was still angry, no points, no race, no happy ending for that day. Everything was shit. She had a shit day that race. And it was not even her own fault.

Her team principal came towards her, gripping her shoulders hard and said: „I know this seems bad, it is, but we can fix it. I wish I could send you home, but media still awaits.“

So she waited, she waited lap after lap until eventually Max won the race. She waited until her PR got her out of the drivers room and took her to the media pen, where the post race conferences will be held.

Sky Sports interviewed the todays winner. So, y/n waited for Max to finish. She hoped he would never finish, that she would never have to face the camera and talk about the incident.

But that didn’t happen.

„Hello y/n, how do you feel? Everything okay, no pain?“, the nice interviewer asked her. „Uh, yeah, everything is fine“, she struggled with her answer, not believing herself that everything was fine.

„Can you tell me what happened? We just saw you crashing?“ - „Uhm, yeah“, she looked towards her media PR, what was she allowed to say? She shook her head - no bad words about her team. „I-, uh, I lost control of my steering wheel.“

The interviewer nodded. „We saw you retire from the race after Q1, having struggled already in FP1 and 2. Did you have problems with your steering wheel during them as well?“

She sighed. She was tired, her neck ached and she just wanted to be in her bed.

„I mean, kind of, yeah you could say I struggled with it during free practice.“

If she told the interviewer that she struggled with it during the whole yesterday and today, she would’ve bad mouthed the team.

„Last question for today, y/n. We asked Twitter for some comments, would you be so kind to make a statement to some of them?“

She really didn’t want to, knowing exactly what most of them had to say; women don’t belong in motorsports, etc.

„Sure“, she sighed. Her PR nodded, happy that y/n decided not to refuse.

„Alright, @motodports_2 said: That’s the second time this season that y/n crashed her car and we are only on the 7th race. What do you have to say to that?“

She closed her eyes, the headache creeping in like a madman with a desire to kill. „That’s true, that was the second crash of the season. And I am sorry for that, my team doesn’t deserve me crashing that many times during the season. I apologise.“

Sebastian was sitting at home, watching the race from his couch. He couldn’t believe what she was saying. The team doesn’t deserve a driver that crashes so much? Bullshit.

He missed her calls earlier that day, he wished he would’ve picked up his phone or at least called her back. But what she was telling to that interviewer was absolute bull.

Charles, who was next in line, also couldn’t believe the stuff you were telling Sky Sports.

„Okay, @maydrive says: The way y/n is throwing away her career in F1 with those shenanigans. Get a grip, will you?“, the interviewer read from the screen in front.

Charles was shocked, he never had to respond to any comments like that. How was she experiencing something like that?

„Uh yeah, thank you @maydrive for that. I will try to get a grip, and you are right, I am throwing away my F1 career like that, but I don’t want that, that’s why I will keep trying to get better“, her eyes were starting water. Just don’t let those tears fall, y/n. They want to see her cry, don’t give them the satisfaction of it.

„Thank you, y/n. Rest up and good evening!“

Her PR pulled her away and onto the next interview. After all that, she was exhausted. Exhausted and angry. How could they be asking her questions like that? Not fair.

Back in her garage, she let the emotions flow. Tears were streaming down her face, sobs were heard and her body was shaking. Her PR handed y/n her phone, leaving her again with a gentle pat to the shoulder.

Seb was calling her.

„Before you say anything, don’t let them treat you like that ever again. Not your fault, if you had problems with the steering wheel, it is not your place to apologise“, Seb interrupted her, before she could even sob into the phone. He heard sniffles. „Don’t cry, liebes dear. You did nothing wrong today.“

„Seb, I wish you’d be here“, she sobbed into the phone. It broke his heart. Comforting someone over the phone was hard, much more if the person being comforted was a teenager.

„It’s gonna be okay, life goes on, okay?“, he told her. „I just feel so weak and vulnerable. They hate me, they always find something wrong with my driving.“

„You are not weak! Who told you that?“, a voice from behind her sounded from the dark. Fernando Alonso stepped out of the shadow. Seb instantly recognised the older spaniards voice over the phone. Glad y/n was not alone in a time like this.

Fernando embraced her. Hugging her tight and firmly. He felt her heartbeat against his chest, beating like crazy. „Breathe with me, y/n.“

They were standing in her motorhome, embraced in one another. If a camera had noticed, headliners would say: Alonso and y/l/n dating confirmed? But there was no camera around.

She had her family here in F1. She belonged here, just as much as any other driver. She was not at fault. She was not weak or vulnerable. She was strong.

°°°

taglist: @ironmaiden1313 , @topguncultleader , @missskid , @gulabjamooon , @lovelyy-moonlight , @peachyplumsss , @mistrose23

[thatnateguy]

"Honey, I've been planning the heist of the century."

"Again?"

"Well, yes, but this one will be more fun than last time."

"Promise?"

"Of course. I'm assuming you're in?"

"well, you need someone to keep those ideas of yours in check."

"You flatter me dear."

"Thank you, I try. Who else did you have in mind?"

(the following is a crew list for a fictional heist set in a far-off galaxy. While I'd love to draw them, I suck at art. Hopefully my text paints good enough pictures that you get a feel for the group and who they are)

The Mover - the master planner, slick talker, guy in charge of main negotiations for the team. The "Frank Ocean"-esque character. Humanoid, typically dressed in a suit of some kind, taller, but with a distinctly non-human head. Frequently tries to wear sunglasses in an attempt to make himself look "more cool," despite said sunglasses being completely incompatible with his head.

The Infil - Con artist, intelligence gatherer, and identity maintainer. THE woman with connections, especially in the intergalactic criminal network. Maried to The Mover. As a result, she's able to take his plans and carefully refine them to sleek perfection. Also humanoid, but only dresses as sleek as her husband when the need requires. She also makes a really nice cup of hot cocoa.

The Pilot - While on the surface he may just look like the getaway driver for the team, his roles extend much deeper than just that. If you need a ship, rover, craft, parade float, not only will he drive it, but he'll modify it to seemingly-impossible extremes. Before turning to a life of crime, he was a racer on the RIP Racing Circuit, before an incident with an illegal mod he made forced him into an early retirement. Still collects royalties from his cameo in an old Gala-coolant commercial.

The De-Con - Parts scavenger, explosives and weapons expert, and avid tinkerer. Need an electro-pulse atom de-shaker that can perfectly liquify the security door of any interstellar vault? He's already got six (leftovers from a previous heist). Helped introduce The Pilot into the network after seeing his mod in action, and the two frequently collaborate on larger projects. Listens to music whenever he works.

The Broker - The daughter of the Empress of the Western Celestial Body. Unfortunately for the Empire, she prefers to get into trouble and she has the funds to help the crew cause lots of it. Fortunately for the Empire, The Infil has managed to find connections and alabis that keep The Broker (and her funds) from ever being involved with the crew. Has been taking pickpocket lessons in her spare time.

The Squeeze - Born the smallest in its generation. His species is also known for their flexibility and able to contort and adjust their bodies. As such, is a masterful cat burglar. Kinda looks like a Tangela (the Pokemon), but without any legs. Since it has no mouth, it communicates in gestures and sign language via its various appendages. During meetings, it'll typically perch on someone's shoulder or head so that it can actually catch what's going on.

The Bio-Modifier - Cyborg with a split personality due to computer bug and a cheap cybernetics engineer. While the two halves of her may disagree on certain elements of their life, they both work together at bio-modification. The mechanical half handles modifications on the digital sphere (endo-scans, digi-spheres, etc.) and the synthetic half handles physical appearances (disguises, aliases, and such). Both avid chess fans, and mostly evenly matched in skill.

The Sys-Hacker - after his creation and programming outside the boundaries of the Inner-planitary Robotics Code (as well as the death of his creator for breaking said Code), the robotic form that is the Sys-Hacker lives a life under the radar. His programming not only allows him to hack into systems and terminals, but also "hypnotize" other AIs into doing his bidding, whether that's deleting footage or allowing security bipasses. Fortunately, his creator also gave him enough of a conscience to "wake up" those AIs... after he got what he needed, of course.

The Rookie - Human. Age 19. Pick-pocket back on earth, and currently studying psychology online. Still isn't 100% sure how he managed to get involved with the crew, but his human adaptability has given him the tools he needed to truly succeed. Teaches his pickpocketing skills to The Broker when she has the time and he doesn't have homework.

[brakingpoint]

wait omg this is so sad what am i missing w the braking point thing </3 i have zero context please tell me everything

RIGHT so idk how much you already know so i am going to make this my catch all braking point 101 post so sorry if you already know some of this

but braking point is the ✨story mode✨ in f1 2021. in it you play primarily as aiden jackson, a rookie fresh from winning the f2 championship who joins a backmarker/midfield team of your choosing* and tries to make it in formula one. the main plotline is aiden’s rocky relationship with his teammate casper akkerman (an older driver who was goated in his day but is now kind of past his prime & drifting towards retirement), which is decidedly not helped by the constant shit-stirring of another driver, devon butler (who you may remember from the f2 section of career mode if you ever played f1 2019)

as an actual Gaming Experience it is nothing special - there’s no flexibility in how the story goes as it’s just like, you drive a race with a set goal and if you don’t achieve it you have to reattempt & then it goes to a cutscene. plus the difficulty levels were a bit all over the place when i played (on the easiest mode i was winning every single race in a shit car, on the next hardest setting i couldn’t achieve any of the objectives). but as a STORY i really enjoy it and i LOVE the characters & i really hope ea/codemasters bring them back with more in depth gameplay next year - i’d love for dialogue choices/interview answers/race results to have consequences & different paths but i do also understand that this is just an add on to the main game and decidedly Not The Point of it. but also there should be romanceable characters yknow

(there’s also a TINY cameo voice line from one irl driver which i won’t spoil bc it made me HOWL when it came out of nowhere)

there are a fair few playthroughs on youtube so if you’re intrigued but don’t have the game/don’t care to play it but are intrigued by the story i’d defo recommend checking those out!!

*ps: for people who have played it: what team did you go with… i chose alfa romeo and now seeing ANY team combo other than aiden & casper in alfa and devon in alphatauri feels VISCERALLY wrong to me

[magiccallie]

So I wrote down my thoughts as i watched through most of Season 2 of Scooby Doo Mystery Inc, and would like to share them, major spoilers below cut

Notes of Season 2 of Scooby Mystery Inc Shout out to this jock bully(?) who upon encountering a monster threatening a girl, did no hesitate to take on said monster, recuse said girl, and protect her as they escape Fred really needs to talk to someone about his new parents, who are now living in his house with him???? The house of the man who took him from them?????? Bronson might not be exactly straight looking at how he acted around the old mayor vs the new one, but *shrugs* Jock Strikes again, is this gunna be the twist? That''s a really douchy twist to pull a stunt like this Love how-I mean this is just the plan. He wanted girls too so he set up the same scenario. Is this extra set up by the parents to get him to trust them that is some next level douchery/ Scratch that on Bronson, omg Oh shit starting with a furry attack this is going to be a weird episode the gang's meta knowledge coupled with their sure willingness to go along with tropes and shit makes for great dialogue oh *oh* this is the episode where we get a peak to see just how big the picture is, love the lore building. knew this episode was gunna be good is that a demon? the furry isnt the mosnter??? ummm...weve been getting hints, are things getting real? so we've established motive for why someone whould want this plavce closed, but actually tangent but dont a lot of these monsters that they encounter seem like, weirdly powerful and mobile for costumes oh there's the furry that red aura is a...the things that happen around it are something deeper it seems. fascinating. is the red just representative of fire hallucinations? those seemed a bit real in effect for hallucinations... this guy, like my manager, needs to hire a little more staff occult magic book falls from the library to gang, and no one is as concerned as they should be nazi robot nazi robot get BJ on the phone Cassidy is the kinda retired PC that the players can strive to be Shit is getting real quick isnt it. Wait is that a seal. does Cassidy die? I know about a certain other death that makes me sad, but i dont want Cassidy to die too this episode is a rollercoaster of odd events weird hologram disguise for Paraclese is nifty Seeing the tragic fate of past groups is...well obviously sad oh dear, she does die huh its super low key, but it plays at the terrifying corrupting ordeal of the eldritchstuff really well with the lore notes bear troubles oh that badge...is that where they buried him? that's...kinda grim they have stealth suits and killer nazi robots? why have the evil guys not won yet? there is a bomb and they are not evacuating. There is a BOMB and they are not evacuating oh the bear can talk, how dare i assume that a bear is incapable of speech the bear is a twunk, scratch that, still a bear, is...he doing a christiphor walkin impersonation? aaand that’s enough for tonight, starting fresh later We're back, 13 more episodes oh so were getting into why i don’t like astrology Enigma machine omg. sorry, im a sucker for bits like that i wanna have long white hair too, i could rock that look How does Paraclese still have an accent after all these years? It is like destiny's Rasputin and just a stubborn superiority complex? something about visiting villains you can talk to in a prison is-ohp thats just all of um huh, cameo episode- err, anyways, it just paints a delightful scene about the relationship of the protags and antags and villainy as a whole in the world well this is horrific, throw some brownish red stuff around and it would be a silent hill scene update: still gay Thirteen more episodes and they have the disk...that does not bode well for what is going to happen the writer's willingness to reference other hannah barbara characters/shows is great oooo anticaptilism, BF is scoring points excuse me???? cyborg dragon girl???? he cant even call her by her name through most of the episode wtf??????? see now im at the point i gotta ask, is this a real ghost thing, or a fake ghost thing? ah i understand now youd think he would be more willing to explain to th-there we go so the animal companians are more suceptible, but they all have the risk Paraclese talking about these cattle is every gm talking about their homebrew monsters omg writers wth was that conclusion for the cattle im dying sk-ska zombies. ska. zombies. i can pick it up oh like the dancing plauge but worse, nifty these ghosts are rude boys, like, thats actually one of their names. And just caught that it the band name is skatastic oh they mentioned the dancing plauge, thank you wtf 101 the 'lighthearted' tone of this episode speaks dark tidings about the horrors to come aaah, hex girls, omg oh damn, update again: still hella gay bards duels be like, but for real loving this more and more young me is crazy about having the hex girls interact with a magicy thing like the disks, the rest of me is concerned at the events that are taking place scooby agrees, and his dog girl friend...well that was something Ricky displaying increasing regrets is not going to do good things for his lifeespectancy ohp then he drags in the other two well, i didnt see that coming for the criminal identity this little girl just had her mom ditch her for a stranger that robbed them, the heck i should probably eat dinner at some point, or like, anything at somepoint... calling it now, this guy is a circus performer/stunt driver, and if he is the random hired british poolboy it is a fake accent he's lureing women away with emotional intemacy. thats funny in itself, btu that they accept so readily still isnt normal oh and apparently kinks, lured with kinks so hes going to be the librarian dude then?? maybe? k, so at least i got that o.o O.O, well, that was quite the lead up and explanation food on plate, depresso in heart, ready to continue so they have to know right? like, this is a planned trap since Fred is 'the only one who knows where it is' doesnt explain Fred though, or how the fake acts "jeepies you found my scarf" oh there it is, they are after the info from him and its all fake, not some hell vision to show why he has to suceed Fred knew first? good on him plastic surgery, holy crap, next level villainy here holy shit they're all in puragoty thanks to the corrpution?????? Going back to early about the horrifying nature of all this. it is just so immensly sad watching them go through these bits. Cool, but sad. Velma demonstrating why thinking and understanding are not always good in eldritch horror games so he's got a guilt complex? heart felt talk with Mayor Dad awwww, poor Velma doesnt think she's pretty guessing...well id say the wife of Enrique but that seems too easy some how, stiill shes the only offered suspect beside Enrique himself thus far *deep sigh* i will never guess any culprit i bother to write down correctly would be a real move of the writers to Uzumaki the town two day deadline given, props to velma for having the foresight to model the disks in a digital format incase theyre lost mad max mystery machine sounds like a doom metal synth wave fusion song things are going too well... How many giant evil doors will this lair have? alchemy. of course. should have guessed. is...is this the episode where Marcie...oh no oh at least shes trying good on her, she's going down in style and flame... oh. ya know, even knowing it was coming and talking it up a sentence before, not a happy event this is a nifty dungeon last episode, hell of an opening/recap wh-what fghaseguk this went batshit didnt it. i wish i had the willingness to write at unhinged as these writers one more media that i am surpised didnt end in a poly relationship this climax is eerily familiar to the live action movies at times and then they all died and went to heaven aww Rickee and Cassidy *and* Velma and Marcie, aww, my heart will heart to think about that one for long, but awwwww Miskatonik University, or however the heck it is said. i thought it was going to be a one off joke but wasn't expecting that.

[johnjie]

So, I went and saw Yesterday - and, while it was a cute and fun film, with some very funny throwaway jokes (like, as a consequence of the Beatles not existing, Oasis doesn’t either) - I felt like they didn’t stretch the premise far enough!

I mean, for obvious rights reasons they couldn’t have the songs in the film, but there could have been a mention of Beatle solo songs that Jack could also perform? Just...My Sweet Lord, Imagine the possibilities Coming Up. Also I wouldn’t have been able to resist a quick ‘Anyway, here’s Wonderwall’ joke seeing as Oasis has also ceased to exist. Or, instead of having all the songs greeted rapturously, having Jack perform something like ‘Wild Honey Pie’ and having everyone be like ‘what the fuck’. There were definitely some laughs to be gained there.

On the sentimental front, when one of the jokes was that tobacco smoking never became popular in the parallel universe I began to freak out quietly because I was like ‘Oh my god, George might still be alive because of there being no cause for his lung cancer, are we going to get a glimpse/mention of alive George?’. I was still emotionally gut punched when the cameo turned out to be John instead but for a second I was in full George meltdown. And, of course, I would have loved for John (who seemed to be a retired artist/activist, very fitting) to have mentioned what the other Beatles were up to. I definitely have some headcanons that involve George being a retired gardener and part time yoga teacher, Ringo the roadie and driver and Paul the driven and inspirational music and English teacher who still has his personal army of mini McCartneys. Does anyone else have parallel!Beatles headcanons?

[ladyfl4me]

Mooning garden gnomes? ? Tell us your story please!

Oh, absolutely.

So I live across the street from a house that looks like it belongs on the front cover of a Better Homes and Gardens magazine. You know the types. Tidy brick, pristine white lattice fences, arbors and gates with climbing ivy and grapevines, prize rosebushes all over, cute lawn ornaments, lush gardens and flagstones with moss planted between them. It’s so fucking cute. 

Up until about 3 years ago, an incredibly sweet old woman lived there, and had lived there for long before I was born. She’s long since moved into a retirement home, but the people who live in her house now keep the house just as tidy as she did. I think they even added a fountain. It’s really chill.

My neighbor was less sweet when it came to her neighbors. They moved into our neighborhood about five years ago from one of those rich, fancy suburbia hellscapes in the southern half of the Front Range, near Red Rocks Amphitheater. (If you live in the Denver area, you know exactly which ones I’m referring to. No shade if you live in one of those houses, don’t worry, this is just about These Particular Assholes.) 

I only know because I met them once when they moved in, and they never shut up about their old neighborhood. And they act like it, too. They act like our neighborhood has a homeowner’s association and some kind of “standard look” every house has to adhere to, which gets them in a lot of fights with other people. And the people living there think their kids can do no wrong.

My neighbor, however, knew firsthand that her neighbors’ kids are absolute fucking shitheads. 

My sophomore year of high school, the youngest stole her cat off the porch - she escaped and got home safely, don’t worry - and the oldest poured bleach on her rosebushes. And these are gorgeous rosebushes, too: big red, peach, yellow things with blooms the size of your hand, hardy enough to come back every year, and so sweet-smelling that every pollinating creature in a 50 mile radius divebombs them like band kids swarming a Denny’s after a competition. After the oldest son poured bleach on the roses, we all thought that my neighbor was going to snap and sue them, because they all had to either be pruned back to the roots or replaced completely. That was easily a couple hundred dollars’ worth of roses, and years of love and labor, down the drain.

She did not sue or call the cops. She went over and attempted to start a polite conversation over how her neighbors’ kids were fucking assholes, and the parents shut her down. “Boys will be boys,” etc.  But my neighbor knew how much these fuckers like keeping up nonexistent appearances, especially how much they like interfering with everyone else’s. 

Fast forward about two weeks. A UPS truck pulled up to my neighbor’s house one morning, and the driver put a cardboard box about the size of a desk lamp on her front porch. I was watching all this from the living room window, catching some rays and drinking some coffee while waiting for a good enough time to panic myself into doing some homework. I watched as my neighbor opened the box right on her front porch, carried the box over to an empty spot in her garden, and pulled out a gnome like this smug-looking motherfucker, which 5 bucks says will get flagged by Tumblr.

[ID: a photograph of a mooning garden gnome. The gnome is standing in profile, bent over and exposing its butt, which we can’t see because of the camera placement. It has a long white beard, a red pointed hat, and a wide smile. A bird is perched on top of the gnome’s butt. End ID.]

She set it up so the gnome’s naked ass pointed right at the window of her neighbors’ master bedroom. 

Every single day, before she went to the retirement home, my neighbor puttered out to her garden, cleaned the leaves and dust off the gnome with a broom, and headed back inside. In the winter, sometimes all you could see was the top of the gnome’s butt peeking out through the snow; I honestly think she went out there to clean it off herself, when the snow covered it, just to make sure the neighbors got the message year-round. When my neighbor moved to the retirement home, the garden gnome vanished, but I sincerely hope that it went with her and she’s terrorizing any of her asshole neighbors with it.

The garden gnome - or, at least, a Merle Highchurch “three fifths of your entire ass” version of it - makes a cameo in my upcoming Hollis character study, The Secret Garden, and will be immortalized for the rest of time. Oh - and according to this zulily listing, that gnome in the picture lights up!

[ID: the same gnome as the first picture, photographed from the same angle, but at night. Its red hat and the bird on its backside are lit from within by a soft yellow glow. End ID.]

Hope y’all enjoyed this story! It’s one of my favorites. My former neighbor was a fucking legend.

[scatteredenthusiasticwriter]

Rag Doll

Sarah sat on a flat back chair from the 1800s and her elbows were resting on an antique dining table from the 1900s. Her long brown hair hung down, covering her face, while she scrutinized a cameo brooch trying to date it for a client. Antiques acquired over the years surrounded her with history. Sarah was so involved inspecting the brooch she didn’t hear the bell ring when the door to her little shop opened.

“Dr. Miles?” Sarah looked up and her face emerged as her dark black hair parted. Her glasses had a magnifying glass attached to each lens. Standing before her was a tall, lanky man wearing a black suit. He looked like a G-Man from the Prohibition Days. “Dr. Sarah Miles?” Sarah nodded in acknowledgement.

“My name is James Murray. I am with the law firm Finch Bellows Marten. I am sorry to tell you this, but, your uncle Benjamin Miles passed away a few weeks ago. The reading of his will is tomorrow at noon at my office on the corner of Main and 5th. I apologize for the late notice.”

“I am surprised my Uncle Benjamin included me in his will. We didn't speak to each other for years. We were at an estate sale years ago, engaged in a fierce bidding war for a rare seventeenth century vase. He won the bid. I never forgave him,” directing her attention back to the brooch.

“I am sorry to hear that. Your Uncle’s three children will be in attendance also," reaching the letter out to her. Sarah accepted the letter and tossed it towards the pile of unread mail teetering at the edge of the table.

James Murray turned and walked towards the door leaving Sarah mumbling to the brooch. He then exited the shop.

Sarah reached for the letter and opened it with a dagger shaped letter opener. The letter said, Sarah Miles is named in the will of Benjamin Miles. We ask that you attend the reading of his last will and testament. 

Could he be leaving me that vase? Curiosity got the better of her and decided to attend the reading.

     # # #

“It’s noon, shouldn’t we start? I can’t wait around to hear what the old man left me,” Lydia stated while pacing.      

“That’s if he left you anything. Dad told me I will always be his favorite, even after he’s gone," Elizabeth said. 

“Enough from the both of you vying for the top position. What does it matter? The fact is he’s gone, never to return, thank God," stated John.

James Murray shifted papers, uncomfortable with the conversation. There was a knock then the Sarah stepped inside. The three cousins looked at each other, mouths agape. Making no eye contact, Sarah walked to the back of the room and sat down.

“What the hell is she doing here? I thought this was a private reading for family only," Elizabeth bellowed.

Lydia agreed adding, “You’re not family. When was the last time you saw or spoke to my father? Ahh yes, it was at that auction where you lost out winning the vase. It looks very nice on Dad’s mantle.”

Sarah shifted in her seat hoping this would be over soon.

James began,“Today we are reading the last will and testament of Benjamin Miles.” 

John interrupted, “Skip all the legal gibberish and get to the bequeathed part.”

James inhaled, then exhaled, “I, Benjamin Miles, being of sound mind and body do bequeathed the following. To my daughter Lydia, I leave her a set of china that belonged to my great grandmother, and $5,000. To my daughter Elizabeth, I leave my rare collection of bottles, and $6,000. To my son John, I leave my Volkswagen Beetle and $1.00. To the local museum I leave all my antiques. To my niece Sarah, you never forgave me for winning the bid on the seventeenth century vase.  I am giving you that vase along with my curio cabinet and any and all items contained within.”

“Wow, I thought John got cheated. Looks like Sarah wins the prize for the most cheated. I have no doubt you will research that cabinet to death," Lydia said. 

“Hopefully your PhD in History pays off. Maybe there is hidden treasure inside," laughed Elizabeth.

# # #

Sarah instructed the delivery men to place the curio cabinet against the wall in the living room. Sarah tipped the movers and escorted them to the door, locking it behind her. She stood in front of the dark wooden cabinet, her fingers gliding along every smooth inch. When Sarah opened the framed glass door, something jumped on her shoulder and propelled into the cabinet, sending tingles of fear down her spine. Milo, you silly cat, get out of there before you scratch it. Milo sniffed and pawed at a spot in the center of the shelf, until Sarah pulled him out. What did you find? Using her fingers, as though reading braille, she glided them around. She discovered an indent, circular in shape like a quarter sized button. She pushed down on it. Without warning, the bottom panel of the cabinet shot open hitting both of her shins, causing her to yell and jump backwards into Milo, sending him running. There were stories going around the antique community about a handful of curio cabinets, built in the1800s, having secret drawers. Her smile broadened as she gazed upon at. 

The drawer contained a skeleton key, an old newspaper dated 1878, and a rag doll. The headline read, The Town of Goldchester’s Mysterious Illness Targets All Its Young Girls. The next story was about a young girl named Sally Monroe who died in a gold mine collapse also in Goldchester. Sarah read when the town’s people dug her out, she was cradling her rag doll, fingertips bloodied and black. She fully opened the paper and an envelope fell to the floor. It contained a deed to a house in Goldchester, Arizona. 

# # #

The cab driver waiting outside of Sarah’s shop honked twice. Sarah emerged juggling her suitcase and a well worn brown leather briefcase. The driver placed the suitcase in the trunk and reached for the briefcase. “I got this one," Sarah insisted then sat in the backseat. The briefcase held the skeleton key and the deed. The cab driver shrugged his shoulders. He closed the trunk, got into the cab and drove Sarah to the airport.

The plane landed with a thud, startling her. She set her watch back two hours to adjust the time difference from Massachusetts. She exited the airport and right into Arizona’s dry heat. A cab pulled in front of her and she got in, instructing the driver to take her to the Goldchester Bed & Breakfast. After a twenty minute ride, the cab slowed and pulled over in front of a two story building with a wrap around porch and a two seater swing. Sarah tipped the driver and collected her suitcase. She climbed the three creaky wooden steps and entered the Bed and Breakfast.

Sarah hit the gold bell on the counter. From the back appeared a stout woman wearing an apron covered with flour. 

“Welcome. You must be Sarah Miles. I’m Haddie Wilcox. Been expecting you.Your room is ready, handing Sarah the key. Second floor, first door on the right. Dinner is at 6:00pm sharp," Haddie said returning to the back.

Sarah climbed the stairs and entered her room. She placed the suitcase on the bed and headed back out to find the Town Hall, briefcase in hand. Unsuccessful in her search for information, Sarah walked the few blocks to the house. She stood in front of 111 Miners Circle, a quaint little blue two story house with a white picket fence and white shutters.

Sarah used the skeleton key to unlock the door. She stepped inside to find the entire bottom floor completely furnished with white sheets covering each piece. Sarah removed the white sheets from a couch, two Queen Anne chairs, and a writing desk she dated around 1825. She spied a curio cabinet in the corner, her eyes widening in disbelief. The curio cabinet looked exactly like hers. Sarah walked over to the cabinet and opened the glass framed door, thankful there was no cat this time. Sarah glided her fingers across the shelf, discovering the indent. This time she stepped back as she pushed down on the button. The bottom panel opened, just like hers, revealing the same newspaper, but this time it contained a gold key. The room turned cold as ice. An even colder breeze circled around Sarah, causing her to shiver. Sarah snatched up the newspaper, the gold key, and threw the rag doll into the briefcase as she ran out of the house.

Haddie, and her young daughter Laura, were waiting at the table when Sarah rushed in, out of breath. She apologized for being late. Haddie smiled and passed the chicken and gravy. After dinner, Sarah and Haddie retired to the living room to have coffee.

“Haddie, back home I found a deed and skeleton key in a hidden drawer inside the curio cabinet I inherited from my Uncle Benjamin. I went to Town Hall today for information but the house doesn’t have much history. The address is 111 Miners Circle, so I went there and to my surprise, the skeleton key opened the door. Inside I found a curio cabinet, just like the one back home, that has the same hidden drawer. It too contains the same old newspaper with the story about Sally Monroe, who died in a gold mine that collapsed. When they dug her out she was still cradling her rag doll. The rag doll in both papers looks exactly like this one". Sarah held the rag doll out to Haddie.

Haddie gasped, “Did you say your Uncle’s name was Benjamin? Benjamin Miles?”

Sarah nodded. “Oh my, his grandfather, your great grandfather also named Benjamin was the one who found Sally. Story has it that Benjamin was more of a grandfather to Sally than her own. She would visit often to see the rag doll inside the curio cabinet. During one visit Benjamin gave Sally the rag doll. Oh, how she loved that doll.  After the funeral, Sally’s mother gave Benjamin the rag doll back as a reminder of Sally. Shortly after Sally’s death, young girls in town began getting sick with strange symptoms. The girls complained of a heaviness on their chest.  Their skin dried like a mummy’s skin and their fingertips turned black. Each girl cried out for their doll while gasping for air. No one could figure out why each girl cried out for their doll before they passed. The town lost every young girl that year.”

Sally asked, “Was the cause ever discovered?” Haddie shook her head.

The following morning, Sarah walked back to the house, taking her briefcase containing the rag doll with her. As she approached the house, she thought she saw faces staring down at her from each window. Sarah entered a bone chilling house. All the furniture was upside down, the white linens rolled and twisted into a large rag doll. Sarah’s briefcase started shaking. She opened it and watched the rag doll convulse. She shut the briefcase with shaking hands and ran for the door. As she reached for the handle the door slammed shut. She heard children’s laughter and running overhead. Sarah’s curiosity overshadowed her fear. She stood tall, and after taking a few long breaths that could be seen, she climbed the stairs. The doors on the second floor opened and slammed shut repeatedly, all except for one. Sarah approached the unopened door when something touched her, chilling her to the bone. 

“What do you want?” Sarah shouted. The landing swayed throwing her off balance. She tried to run but the stairs got further away with each step. Her chest felt like a heavy weight was on it, causing her to fall, then her finger tips turned blood red, then black. Sarah watched in horror as the skin on her arms shriveled, shrouding her bones. She began gasping for air as she cried out, “Sally stop.”

The walls heaved as though breathing. The door in front of her swing open revealing a blinding light. At its center a silhouette appeared. Sarah attempted to get up but the weight held her hostage. The silhouette glided towards her, the blinding light blown out like a candle. The white silhouette swayed like a sheer curtain in the breeze. Sarah watched as more silhouettes came into focus. Young girls now encircled Sally.

Sally’s face began to distort, blood red eyes glowing. She ascended, weightless arms outstretched, and with a deafening scream, demanded her Maggie be given back. Sally plunged down onto Sarah pinning her in place. The girls were now screaming for Maggie to be returned. Sarah nodded in fear, hoping they understood. Sally rose, allowing Sarah to get up. She ran down the stairs, but, at the bottom Sally blocked the path, her distorted face aflame. 

“I have your doll. Please, let me get it.” Sarah pleaded. 

Sally glided aside. Sarah ran to her briefcase and pulled the rag doll out. Sally was instantly upon her and snatched the doll from her hands and began cradling it. Sarah watched as Sally and the girls rejuvenated into themselves again.

They motioned for Sarah to follow them upstairs. The once closed door now opened, revealing a white light bright as a star. Sarah watched as each girl entered the light, waving goodbye as they disappeared. Sally remained. 

“I am so happy to have Maggie back. I missed her so. I took the young girls from town to help me find my Maggie. You brought Maggie home,” Sally said with a contented smile as she walked to Sarah and kissed her on the cheek. Sally made her way towards the light. As she entered, the light folded into itself engulfing Sally, then darkness. 

Sarah went downstairs and noticed a glow coming from the corner of the room. It was the gold key. A faint voice whispered in her ear, “Go to the painting of your family.” 

Confused, Sarah walked over to a painting of her great grandfather and Uncle Benjamin. This is my ancestor’s house? She tried to take the painting off the wall then noticed the hinges. She pulled the picture aside, revealing a wall safe. Sarah used the gold key to open the safe and was flabbergasted at what was inside.

# # #

The wall safe contained some of the gold Sally’s father mined. He gave it to Sarah's Great Grandfather Benjamin as a way of thanking him for trying to save Sally. The gold was now worth $500 Million.

The cork popped off of the Dom Perignon hitting the ceiling then bounced back in front of Milo. He jumped and ran. Sarah raised her Champagne filled glass thanking her uncle. 

“I guess I was your favorite after all.”

[papermoonloveslucy]

THREE FOR TWO

December 3, 1975

Directed by Charles Walters ~ Written by James Eppy

Synopsis

Lucille Ball and Jackie Gleason play three married couples in three stories about married life. 

Cast

Lucille Ball (Sally / Rita / Pauline) was born on August 6, 1911 in Jamestown, New York. She began her screen career in 1933 and was known in Hollywood as ‘Queen of the B’s’ due to her many appearances in ‘B’ movies. With Richard Denning, she starred in a radio program titled “My Favorite Husband” which eventually led to the creation of “I Love Lucy,” a television situation comedy in which she co-starred with her real-life husband, Latin bandleader Desi Arnaz. The program was phenomenally successful, allowing the couple to purchase what was once RKO Studios, re-naming it Desilu. When the show ended in 1960 (in an hour-long format known as “The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour”) so did Lucy and Desi’s marriage. In 1962, hoping to keep Desilu financially solvent, Lucy returned to the sitcom format with “The Lucy Show,” which lasted six seasons. She followed that with a similar sitcom “Here’s Lucy” co-starring with her real-life children, Lucie and Desi Jr., as well as Gale Gordon, who had joined the cast of “The Lucy Show” during season two. Before her death in 1989, Lucy made one more attempt at a sitcom with “Life With Lucy,” also with Gordon.

Jackie Gleason (Herb / Fred / Mike) was born in 1916. He became one of America’s most recognized all-around entertainers but is perhaps best remembered for his iconic character of bus driver Ralph Kramden on “The Honeymooners” which was seen on CBS just like “I Love Lucy.”  On “The Lucy Show” Lucy Carmichael frequently referred to Gleason even borrowing his “Away we go” exit in a couple of episodes. In 1968 he did a wordless cameo on “Lucy Visits Jack Benny” (HL S1;E2) as bus driver Ralph Kramden. He died in 1987.

Gino Conforti (Waiter in “Herb & Sally”) began his TV acting career in 1968 and has been continually working since, although mostly as one-off characters. He had a recurring role as Felipe on “Three’s Company” from 1980 to 1982, a series Lucille Ball admired. He played the burglar in “Lucy Plays Cops and Robbers” (HL S6;E14) in 1974. He was also seen in “Lucy Gets Lucky” earlier in 1975.  

Vanda Barra (Hostess in “Fred & Rita”) made over two dozen appearances on “Here’s Lucy” as well as appearing in "Lucy Gets Lucky” (with Dean Martin) earlier in 1975 . She was seen in half a dozen episodes of “The Lucy Show.” Barra was Lucille Ball’s cousin-in-law by marriage to Sid Gould. 

Irene Sale (Woman #1 in “Fred & Rita”) was a stunt double and played Louise (uncredited) on Desilu's original “Star Trek” in 1966. This is her penultimate screen credit. 

Eddie Garrett (Man #1 in “Fred & Rita”) did two episodes of “Here's Lucy” and also played a party guest in Mame (1974). He retired in 1986 and died in 2010.

Mel Pape (Man at Table in “Fred & Rita”) was Jackie Gleason's long-time personal assistant. As such he played small roles in such Gleason projects as Smokey and the Bandit (1977), Nothing in Common (1986), and The Sting II (1983). He died in 1995.  

Due to the darkness of the nightclub only Lucille Ball and Jackie Gleason's faces are actually visible on screen. Barra, Sale, Garrett and Pape remain in shadows.  

Tammi Bula (Maureen in “Mike & Pauline”) played the recurring role of Marcia Woolery on “The Waltons.” One of her six episodes aired a month before this special.

Maureen is Mike and Pauline's daughter. She is engaged to marry her boyfriend Steven.

Paul Linke (Alfred in “Mike & Pauline”) also appeared on “The Waltons” in an episode that aired the day after this special was first broadcast. He spoke at the memorial service for his good friend John Ritter, who had appeared on “Life With Lucy” in 1986.  

Alfred is Mike and Pauline's son. He recently broke up with his girlfriend Betty Dorsey.

Director Charles Walters was an uncredited director on Ziegfeld Follies (1945) which starred Lucille Ball, although not in the segment he staged. He also directed two episodes of “Here's Lucy” and will also direct “What Now Catherine Curtis?” in 1976.

This special is billed as “Renee Taylor and Joseph Bologna's 'Three for Two'” which may indicate that the material was originally written for the married comedy team (who often performed together) instead of Lucy and Gleason. This is James Eppy's only screen credit which may indicate that this was merely a pseudonym for Taylor and Bologna as writers. Screen writer Joseph Bologna will act in Lucille Ball's next special “What Now Catherine Curtis?”

This was Lucille Ball's third prime time special after the end of “Here's Lucy” in 1974. The first two were “Happy Anniversary and Goodbye” and “Lucy Gets Lucky” nine months earlier.  

This special is available on DVD from MPI video or can be streamed online. It was originally aired on CBS in the USA and ITV in the UK.

There is no studio audience or laugh track.  

Although he made a wordless walk-on cameo as bus driver Ralph Kramden in the second-aired “Here's Lucy”, this is the first time Lucille Ball and Jackie Gleason have acted together on screen.  This continues Ball's employment of “Honeymooners” alumni:

Art Carney (Ed Norton) in “Happy Anniversary and Goodbye” and “What Now Catherine Curtis?”

Audrey Meadows (Alice Kramden) in “Life With Lucy” (1986)

Jane Kean (Trixie Norton from 1966 on) in “The Lucy Show” (1966)

In form and content, this material resembles Neil Simon's 1968 play and 1971 film Plaza Suite, which is also divided into three stories with actors playing multiple roles. The fact that the first story of the special takes place in a hotel suite strengthens the comparison. The year after this special aired, Simon wrote a similar play titled California Suite which was filmed in 1978.

Like the two previous Lucille Ball Specials, the show reunites many “Here's Lucy” production staff, including hairstylist Irma Kusely, prop master Kenneth Westcott, costumer Renita Reachi, and script supervisor Dorothy Aldworth.

This special was berated by the critics and the ratings were not as large as Lucille Ball's previous specials. CBS worried that it would lose its number one place after more than twenty seasons at the top. This pretty much spells the end of CBS's confidence in television shows featuring Lucille Ball.

“Herb & Sally” (20 minutes) ~ Lucy and Jackie Gleason play Herb and Sally Wolbert, a middle-aged couple from Cleveland with grown children who are on a month-long vacation in Italy after 24 years of marriage. After Rome they are traveling on to Venice, Capri, and the ruins of Pompeii.  

As Sally, Lucille Ball has on a black wig with silver highlights. She wears a peach chiffon nightgown (which she also owns in blue and black).

The story opens with Sally singing a carefree verse of “Volare,” a song that Dean Martin sung on the previous Lucille Ball special “Lucy Gets Lucky.”  

Oops! When the waiter hands Herb the room service menu, it opens far enough to see that Jackie Gleason has his lines written on the inside. Gleason was not a big fan of rehearsing, while Lucille Ball was a stickler for it.  

SALLY: “I gave up a successful career to marry you!” HERB: “You were a screw counter in a hardware store.” SALLY: “I was learning the business.”

Lucy Barker will be co-owner of a hardware store in Lucille Ball's last television series “Life With Lucy” (1986). Herb reminds her that his own career as a bamboo furniture salesman is no fun. Herb demeans himself by entertaining buyers in nightclubs and doing his Peter Lorre impersonation.  

HERB: “Do you mean you don't like my impersonation of Peter Lorre?” SALLY: “It stinks, Herb.” HERB: “Then our whole marriage is based on a lie.”

To prove his Peter Lorre impersonation is good, he does it for the waiter: “Did you get the information, Mr. Miller?  You didn't get the information, Mr. Miller? You were supposed to get the information, Mr. Miller.” Gleason is paraphrasing Lorre's dialogue from All Through the Night (1942) in which Gleason himself co-starred with Lorre, Humphrey Bogart and Ludwig Stössel as Mr. Miller. The waiter incorrectly guesses he is imitating Gina Lollobrigida!  

HERB: (to Sally) “I'm fat!  I'm fat!  And every pound I've put on you've put there!”

Sally says there are three men in Cleveland that keep her sane: Lou Fergazi, her butcher; Andre Molan, her decorator; and Stu Bridgeman, her family doctor.

SALLY: (yelling to the street from the balcony) “I'm a pleasure object!” HERB: “She's 45 and in two months she'll be a grandmother!  You hear that?  A grandmother!”

Lucy Ricardo visited Rome in one of the most memorable episodes of “I Love Lucy,” “Lucy's Italian Movie” (ILL S5;E23), where she soaks up local color for a movie role by stomping grapes with her feet.

“Fred & Rita” (5:30 minutes) ~ Lucy and Gleason play banker Fred N. Schneider and homemaker Rita Fledgeman, a couple carrying on a discrete affair and trying to decide whether they should tell their spouses. They meet at Cookie's Tip-Toe Inn, a dimly lit hideaway nightclub.

RITA: “I Love the touch of your aftershave. The sound of your hair when it moves.” FRED: “And I love the smell of your boa.”

Lucille Ball wears an upswept blonde wig and a feather boa. At first, both Fred and Rita wear sunglasses, despite the darkness of the club.  

RITA: “I'm only alive when I'm with you. I'm dead at the supermarket.  I'm dead at the PTA. I'm dead at the beauty parlor.” FRED: “You think you're dead? I'm dead at the bank. I'm dead at the little league games.” RITA: “Are you dead with Myrna?” FRED: “Of course I'm dead with Myrna. Why?  Aren't you dead with Harry?” RITA: “You know I'm dead with Harry.  I live only for you!”

Fred is married to Rita's best friend Myrna. Rita is married to Harry, Fred's second cousin. They've been married twenty years.

RITA: (about a possible time to meet again) “The only possible day is Veteran's Day.” FRED: “I'd love to, but I'm marching.” RITA: “You'd rather march than go away with me?” FRED: “I can cheat on my wife, but not the National Guard.”

“Mike & Pauline” ~ Lucy and Gleason play domineering parents involved in a New Year's Eve family crisis as they are forced to recognize their college-aged children's declaration of independence.

As Pauline, Lucille Ball wears a honey-brown wig, topped with a paper crown (because it is New Year's Eve).  

Mike lists his best friends as Johnny Bridges, Georgie Shry, Tommy Ritzo, Eddie Kunz, and Lefty Bryan.  

MIKE: (about his best friends) “I always listened to their viewpoints and made sure that I had all the facts – before I punched each one of them out. It happens to be the code I live by: logic – and then violence.”

Mike mentions the family's New Year's Eve traditions of watching the ball drop in Times Square, listening to Guy Lombardo, and the kids watching Mike and Pauline dance to “Apple Blossom Time.”  "(I'll Be With You) In Apple Blossom Time" was written by Albert Von Tilzer and Neville Fleeson in 1920. It was introduced on big screen by the Andrews Sisters in their 1941 film Buck Privates. In “Lucy and the Andrews Sisters” (HL S2;E6, above), Lucille Ball, Lucie Arnaz, and Patty Andrews sing it as part of a medley of the Andrews Sisters' greatest hits. Guy Lombardo was mentioned on “Lucy and the Drum Contest” (HL S3;E4) when Harry calls him his favorite musician.  

MIKE: (to his grown children, angry) “Nobody's going anywhere. No how, no way, no chance!  The case is dismissed! Through!  Finished!  Done!” PAULINE: (calmly) “Now that's fair.  Your father's very fair.”

Only one episode of a Lucille Ball sitcom was ever set on New Year's Eve: “Chris's New Year's Eve Party” (TLS S1;E14), originally aired on December 31, 1962.

Alfred wants to quit college and become a nightclub comic. Mike tries in vain to give his son some pointers about the timing of his jokes. Before being signed to a film contract, Jackie Gleason worked as a nightclub comic at New York's Club 18.  

In the end, the children go out to be with their dates and Mike and Pauline watch the ball drop on TV to the strains of “Auld Lang Syne.” As they dance in the living room to “Apple Blossom Time” Mike and Pauline become Lucy and Jackie dancing together as the credits roll.  

This Date in Lucy History - December 3rd

“Men Are Messy” (ILL S1;E8) ~ December 3, 1951 

“The Ricardos Visit Cuba” (ILL S6;E9) ~ December 3,1956

“The Celebrity Next Door” (LDCH S1;E2) ~ December 3, 1957

"Vivian Sues Lucy" (TLS S1;E10) ~ December 3, 1962

“Harry Catches Gold Fever” (HL S6;E12) ~ December 3, 1973

The writing here (whoever is responsible) is what makes the difference.  The first segment is familiar territory and feels expected. The shortest segment is the best written and most interesting.  The final scene is a family dramedy with some unfunny inferences to spouse abuse and violence.  Ball and Gleason are not Meryl Streep and Laurence Olivier, but they do well enough to make it a mostly entertaining hour. 

[truemedian]

The New Model Media Star Is Famous Only to You

The Media EquationWith short videos and paid newsletters, everyone from superstars to half-forgotten former athletes and even journalists can, as one tech figure put it, “monetize individuality.”

Recent videos by, from left, Gwen Jorgensen, Leonard Marshall and Terry Francona available on Cameo, a service that allows fans to buy personalized messages.Credit...CameoPublished May 24, 2020Updated May 25, 2020, 3:43 a.m. ETBack in March, I was trying to persuade my dad to stop taking the subway to work in Manhattan and join me upstate. So I paid $75 to Leonard Marshall, a retired New York Giants defensive lineman we both loved in the 1980s, to send the message.“I put a few guys in the hospital, Bob,” he told my father solemnly. “I need you to play defense in these crazy times.”It worked, and my father hasn’t been to Times Square since.I had reached Mr. Marshall through Cameo, a service that allows you to buy short videos from minor celebrities. I also used Cameo to purchase a pep talk from an Olympic triathlete for my daughter ($15), an ingratiating monologue for my new boss from a former Boston Red Sox manager ($100) and a failed Twitter joke delivered by the action star Chuck Norris ($229.99).Cameo is blowing up in this strange season because “every celebrity is really a gig economy worker,” says Steven Galanis, the company’s chief executive. They’re stuck at home, bored and sometimes hard up for cash as performances, productions and sporting events dry up. The company’s weekly bookings have grown to 70,000 from about 9,000 in early January, it says, and Mr. Galanis said he anticipated bringing in more than $100 million in bookings this year, of which the company keeps 25 percent. The company expects to sell its millionth video this week.Cameo is, on its face, a service that allows housebound idiots to blow money on silly shout-outs. Seen another way, however, it’s a new model media company, sitting at the intersection of a set of powerful trends that are accelerating in the present crisis. There’s the rise of simple, digital direct payments, which are replacing advertising as the major source of media revenue. There’s the growing power of talent, trickling down from superstars to half-forgotten former athletes and even working journalists. And there’s the old promise of the earlier internet that you could make a living if you just had “1,000 true fans" — a promise that advertising-based businesses from blogs to YouTube channels failed to deliver.In fact, in this new economy, some people may be able to make a living off just 100 true fans, as Li Jin, a former partner at the venture capital firm Andreessen Horowitz, argued recently. Ms. Jin calls this new landscape the “passion economy.” She argues that apps like Uber and DoorDash are built to erase the differences between individual drivers or food delivery people. But similar tools, she says, can be used to “monetize individuality.”Many of these trends are well developed in China, but here in the United States the passion economy covers everyone from the small merchants using Shopify to the drawing instructors of the education platform Udemy.In the mainstream heart of the media business, both artists and writers are moving quickly to find new business models as huge swaths of the media business have been wounded or shut down by the coronavirus pandemic. At Patreon, the first and broadest of the big services connecting writers and performers to audiences, the co-founder Jack Conte said he was delighted recently to see one of his favorite bands, Of Montreal, release music on the platform.“Traditional music coming to Patreon is a watershed moment,” he said.In the news business, journalists are carving out new paths on Substack, a newsletter service. Its most successful individual voices — like the China expert Bill Bishop and the liberal political writer Judd Legum — are earning well into six figures annually for sending regular newsletters to subscribers, though no individual has crossed the million-dollar mark, the company said.For some writers, Substack is a way to get their work out of the shadow of an institution. Emily Atkin felt that need intensely when a climate forum she organized last year for presidential candidates, while she was a writer for The New Republic, collapsed amid a scandal over an unrelated column about Mayor Pete Buttigieg that appeared in that publication.Image

For writers like Emily Atkin, formerly of The New Republic, Substack is a way to get their work out of the shadow of an institution.Credit...Rozette RagoNow, said Ms. Atkin, who writes a confrontational climate newsletter called Heated, she’s “shockingly hopeful.”“I don’t have any layoffs happening at my newsletter, so I’m doing better than most of the news industry,” she said.Ms. Atkin, who is 11th on Substack’s ranking of paid newsletters and was more willing than Mr. Bishop or Mr. Legum to talk in detail about the business, said she was on track to gross $175,000 this year from more than 2,500 subscribers. Out of that, she’ll pay for health care, a research assistant and a 10 percent fee to Substack, among other costs.For others, Substack is a way to carry on with work they’re passionate about when a job goes away, as Lindsay Gibbs found when the liberal news site ThinkProgress shut down last year and took her beat on sexism in sports with it.Now, she has more than 1,000 subscribers to Power Plays, paying as much as $72 a year.Both of them started with $20,000 advances from the platform.“The audience connecting directly with you and paying directly is a revolutionary change to the business model,” Substack’s chief executive, Chris Best, told me.It’s hard to imagine even the most successful writers, like Mr. Bishop and Ms. Atkin, posing a major threat to the titans of media anytime soon, especially as a few big institutions — whether in news or streaming video — dominate each market. But the two writers’ path to success points to the reality that the biggest threat to those institutions may come from their talented employees. Updated May 20, 2020 How can I protect myself while flying? If air travel is unavoidable, there are some steps you can take to protect yourself. Most important: Wash your hands often, and stop touching your face. If possible, choose a window seat. A study from Emory University found that during flu season, the safest place to sit on a plane is by a window, as people sitting in window seats had less contact with potentially sick people. Disinfect hard surfaces. When you get to your seat and your hands are clean, use disinfecting wipes to clean the hard surfaces at your seat like the head and arm rest, the seatbelt buckle, the remote, screen, seat back pocket and the tray table. If the seat is hard and nonporous or leather or pleather, you can wipe that down, too. (Using wipes on upholstered seats could lead to a wet seat and spreading of germs rather than killing them.) What are the symptoms of coronavirus? Common symptoms include fever, a dry cough, fatigue and difficulty breathing or shortness of breath. Some of these symptoms overlap with those of the flu, making detection difficult, but runny noses and stuffy sinuses are less common. The C.D.C. has also added chills, muscle pain, sore throat, headache and a new loss of the sense of taste or smell as symptoms to look out for. Most people fall ill five to seven days after exposure, but symptoms may appear in as few as two days or as many as 14 days. How many people have lost their jobs due to coronavirus in the U.S.? Over 38 million people have filed for unemployment since March. One in five who were working in February reported losing a job or being furloughed in March or the beginning of April, data from a Federal Reserve survey released on May 14 showed, and that pain was highly concentrated among low earners. Fully 39 percent of former workers living in a household earning $40,000 or less lost work, compared with 13 percent in those making more than $100,000, a Fed official said. Is ‘Covid toe’ a symptom of the disease? There is an uptick in people reporting symptoms of chilblains, which are painful red or purple lesions that typically appear in the winter on fingers or toes. The lesions are emerging as yet another symptom of infection with the new coronavirus. Chilblains are caused by inflammation in small blood vessels in reaction to cold or damp conditions, but they are usually common in the coldest winter months. Federal health officials do not include toe lesions in the list of coronavirus symptoms, but some dermatologists are pushing for a change, saying so-called Covid toe should be sufficient grounds for testing. Can I go to the park? Yes, but make sure you keep six feet of distance between you and people who don’t live in your home. Even if you just hang out in a park, rather than go for a jog or a walk, getting some fresh air, and hopefully sunshine, is a good idea. How do I take my temperature? Taking one’s temperature to look for signs of fever is not as easy as it sounds, as “normal” temperature numbers can vary, but generally, keep an eye out for a temperature of 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit or higher. If you don’t have a thermometer (they can be pricey these days), there are other ways to figure out if you have a fever, or are at risk of Covid-19 complications. Should I wear a mask? The C.D.C. has recommended that all Americans wear cloth masks if they go out in public. This is a shift in federal guidance reflecting new concerns that the coronavirus is being spread by infected people who have no symptoms. Until now, the C.D.C., like the W.H.O., has advised that ordinary people don’t need to wear masks unless they are sick and coughing. Part of the reason was to preserve medical-grade masks for health care workers who desperately need them at a time when they are in continuously short supply. Masks don’t replace hand washing and social distancing. What should I do if I feel sick? If you’ve been exposed to the coronavirus or think you have, and have a fever or symptoms like a cough or difficulty breathing, call a doctor. They should give you advice on whether you should be tested, how to get tested, and how to seek medical treatment without potentially infecting or exposing others. How do I get tested? If you’re sick and you think you’ve been exposed to the new coronavirus, the C.D.C. recommends that you call your healthcare provider and explain your symptoms and fears. They will decide if you need to be tested. Keep in mind that there’s a chance — because of a lack of testing kits or because you’re asymptomatic, for instance — you won’t be able to get tested. How can I help? Charity Navigator, which evaluates charities using a numbers-based system, has a running list of nonprofits working in communities affected by the outbreak. You can give blood through the American Red Cross, and World Central Kitchen has stepped in to distribute meals in major cities. That dynamic was on display in a confrontation between Barstool Sports and the hosts of its hit podcast, “Call Her Daddy,” as my colleague Taylor Lorenz reported last week. Media company stars, with big social media followings and more and more ways to make money, are less and less willing to act like employees. (“The ‘Call Her Daddy’ girls would be making over half a million dollars a year with me,” Mr. Galanis of Cameo said. “High Pitch Erik from ‘The Howard Stern Show’ is making low six figures.”)Substack represents a radically different alternative, in which the “media company” is a service and the journalists are in charge. It’s what one of the pioneers of the modern newsletter business, the tech analyst Ben Thompson, describes as a “faceless” publisher. And you can imagine it or its competitors offering more services, from insurance to marketing to editing, reversing the dynamic of the old top-down media company and producing something more like a talent agency, where the individual journalist is the star and the boss, and the editor is merely on call.ImageThe popularity of “Tiger King,” starring Lauren and Jeff Lowe, left, led Cameo to sign up Kelci Saffery, right, who had a lesser role in the documentary.Credit...CameoThe new passion-economy media companies are converging in some ways. The ones like Patreon and Substack, which operate primarily in the background, are now looking at careful ways to bundle their offerings, their executives said. Medium, which allows you to subscribe to its full bundle of writers, is looking for ways to foster more intimate connections between individuals and their followers, its founder, Ev Williams, said. Cameo, which has a front page in its app and website but is mostly selling one-off shout-outs, is shifting toward a model that is more like subscribing to a celebrity: For a price, you’ll be able to send direct messages that appear in a priority inbox.“We think messages back and forth is where the puck is going with Cameo,” Mr. Galanis said.Is this good news? The rise of these new companies could further shake our faltering institutions, splinter our fragmented media and cement celebrity culture. Or they could pay for a new wave of powerful independent voices and offer steady work for people doing valuable work — like journalists covering narrow, important bits of the world — who don’t have another source of income. Like the whole collision of the internet and media, it will doubtless be some of both.In Silicon Valley, where the East Coast institutions of journalism are often seen as another set of hostile gatekeepers to be disrupted, leading figures are cheering a possible challenger. Mr. Best, the Substack chief, told me that the venture capitalist Marc Andreessen, whose firm has invested in the company, said he hoped it would “do to big media companies what venture capital did to big tech companies” — that is, peel off their biggest stars with the promise of money and freedom and create new kinds of news companies.One of the things I find most heartening in these unequal times, though, is the creation of some new space for a middle class of journalists and entertainers — the idea that you can make a living, if not a killing, by working hard for a limited audience. Even people who play a modest role in a cultural phenomenon can get some of the take, which was what happened with the Netflix documentary “Tiger King.”When the documentary hit big in March, Cameo signed up 10 of its ragtag cast of, mostly, amateur zookeepers. That came just in time for Kelci Saffery, best known on the show for returning to work soon after losing a hand to a tiger. Mr. Saffery now lives in California, and lost his job at a furniture warehouse when the pandemic hit. To his shock, he has earned about $17,000, as well as a measure of recognition, even as the requests are slowing down.“Every day I’m at least getting one, and for me that still means that one person every day is thinking, ‘Hey, this would be cool,’ and to me that’s significant,” he said. As for the money, “that could send one of my children to college.” Read More Read the full article

[junker-town]

Super Bowl commercials, ranked

Screenshot: Cheetos

You’ll cry, you’ll laugh, you’ll yawn.

The Super Bowl is here, which means we have the most-watched TV program of the year. With all those viewers comes an exorbitant advertising cost, up to a record $5.6 million for a 30-second ad.

Spending all that money brings with it a ton of eyeballs, and brands try to make it worth it with their most ambitious spots. This year’s Super Bowl commercials run the gamut, from tear-jerkingly sweet to face-punchingly infuriating. Here’s a look at the most memorable — good, bad, and in between.

The home runs, best of the best

Loretta (Google)

Several of the commercials on Super Bowl Sunday have an A-list cast, with our most recognized stars trying to get us to buy something. But sometimes, the most simple approach can be beautiful.

I first saw this commercial as a pre-roll ad before a different YouTube video. It was so beautifully haunting that I couldn’t bring myself to click “skip ad” once the obligatory five seconds lapsed. Each piano key strike was foreboding, but I couldn’t click away from this poor old man, simultaneously attempting to fend off memory loss and trying to remember his dead wife. A valiant fight against the ravages of time but one we are all destined to lose.

Because I use humor — or “humor” if you prefer — to cope while processing actual human emotion, the main thing going through my mind as tears streamed down my face was that Google should have titled this commercial “Get Back Loretta,” but probably didn’t want to pay exorbitant license fees for Beatles music.

The very Good Dog (WeatherTech)

This ad is tearjerking in a different, more uplifting way. This is a commercial for WeatherTech, but not really about their company at all. WeatherTech CEO David MacNeil used his 30-second spot to thank the University of Wisconsin School of Veterinary Medicine for saving his dog Scout, who suffered from cancer of the blood cell walls. The commercial promotes a WeatherTech website for donations to help the school, and if that isn’t uplifting enough just look at this sweet, beautiful dog:

Photo: WeatherTech on YouTube

Groundhog Day (Jeep)

It just feels good to see Phil Connors and Ned Ryerson again, and both look 27 years older. There was no The Irishman-style CGI de-aging here. The added weight of all those years make the dread on Connors’ (Bill Murray’s) face that much more real, when he wakes up at the beginning of the commercial. But his day becomes less hellish once he spots a new Jeep, then proceeds to steal along with Punxsutawney Phil for a joy ride.

This is only the second Super Bowl to fall on February 2, so perfect timing to resurrect the classic film. The other Groundhog Day Super Bowl was in 2014, when a defense with Richard Sherman obliterated one of the most dynamic offenses the NFL has ever seen. Hmmm.

Getting the message across

Katie Sowers (Microsoft)

This is a longer version of an ad that has been running throughout the NFL playoffs, expanded for the Super Bowl — a national introduction to Katie Sowers, the offensive assistant coach for the 49ers, and her road to coaching. Sowers is the first female coach and the first openly gay coach in Super Bowl history.

“People tell me that people aren’t ready to have a woman lead, but these guys have been learning from women their whole lives. Moms, grandmas, teachers. We have all these assumptions about what women do, and what men do,” Sowers says. “I’m not trying to be the best female coach. I’m trying to be the best coach.”

The message is as clear as it is inspirational. Solid work all around.

The Secret Kicker

This features an anonymous placekicker nailing a field goal, but once the helmet comes off to reveal it was Carli Lloyd (joined in the commercial by her USWNT teammate Crystal Dunn), the crowd is at first shocked, then applauds her successful kick. The slogan “Let’s kick inequality” is strong, and it dawned on me — of all the commercials, this has maybe the best chance of coming true. Lloyd clearly has the leg, nailing a 55-yarder during an Eagles' practice in the 2019 preseason. It’s not that farfetched that a soccer star could eventually make it in the NFL. Or maybe once Lloyd is done with soccer she can shift to basketball instead.

Make Space for Women (Olay)

This has the best tagline from any of these commercials — “When we make space for women, we make space for everyone” — and the ad features a real astronaut (Nicole Stott) among the all-female cast. The empowering commercial also touts a #MakeSpaceForWomen hashtag, with Olay donating up to $500,000 to Girls Who Code.

Bizarre, but good

Rick & Morty (Pringles)

I love the manic energy here. Though this is an ad for Pringles, it might as well be a commercial for "Rick & Morty." If the show is anything close to this chaotic, I’m in.

An SNL skit, but funnier

Sam Elliott reciting "Old Town Road" (Doritos)

The regular commercial was fine, featuring a dance-off between Lil Nas X and Sam Elliott, plus haunting mustache CGI work. But for me, the better ad is the one above.

Hearing Sam Elliott read the phone book would be a treat, but hearing him act out lyrics to Old Town Road by Lil Nas X is a delight. The way the others in the bar react to Elliott’s character makes it clear he’s a man to be respected. I can’t help but wonder if this is simply world building, creating a backstory to the character of Wade Garrett so we can finally get that Road House prequel we’ve been clamoring for for decades.

Smaht Pahk (Hyundai)

In theory, this ad should not work as well as it does. The three lead actors — Chris Evans, Rachel Dratch, and John Krasinski — are all from the area, so it adds some authenticity to their exaggerated Boston accents. The commitment to the bit is very strong (I counted 15 times the word park — or rather “pahk” — was used), and that’s what sells it for me. The only better use for a Boston accent in a commercial would have been if Chipotle bought time to apologize for child labah violations.

Plus, this kind of car commercial is a welcome reprieve from the usual type we get during football season, with folks buying giant-bow-adorned cars for their spouse.

Can’t Touch This (Cheetos popcorn)

You had me at M.C. Hammer. That could have been the entire commercial — it basically was, with the main character getting out of various tasks because of the orange Cheetos dust on his fingers — and I would have been fine. But what sold it for me was after the trust fall, the poor guy who fell to the ground, not caught by the orange-fingered culprit, expertly delivers, “Why?” I don’t know why it made me laugh, but it did.

I can’t unsee this

The Shining remake (Mountain Dew Zero Sugar)

Had Bryan Cranston retired after Malcom in the Middle he still would have been revered for playing one of the most memorable and hilarious television dads in history. But Breaking Bad will lead his obituary, and for good reason. Cranston is a wonderfully gifted actor, and his channeling Jack Nicholson in a remake of The Shining for this commercial — the slogan is “as good as the original, maybe better?” — is quite good. But I will not be able to shake this image out of my head for some time:

Screenshot: Mountain Dew on YouTube

The Doppelgänger

This isn’t a commercial at all, but rather a tweeted tease from Honda before the game. I couldn’t help but notice the Helpful Honda guy looks a hell of a lot like Brutus.

Photo: Honda on Twitter

Photo by Justin Casterline/Getty Images

Snoozefest

Typical Americans (Budweiser)

I appreciate the sarcastic irony of the ad, using footage of good deeds and various accomplishments, with bonus points for using USWNT Instagram stories from the post-World Cup celebration (but they should have found a way to work in “You’re welcome for this content, bitch!”). But still, this commercial falls flat. It’s probably the best of the boring subgroup here for at least having the decency to avoid jamming some shitty Lee Greenwood song into our ears.

Sonic the Hedgehog

This is a combination commercial and trailer for the upcoming "Sonic" movie, but is probably the most sports-relevant of the ads so far. Michael Thomas of the Saints, Christian McCaffrey of the Panthers, Olympic sprinter Allyson Felix, and NASCAR driver Kyle Busch are known for speed in their respective sports, but all sing the praises of the movie's main character, Sonic the Hedgehog. The inclusion of said athletes does nothing to save this commercial from being boring, however.

By the way, I hope there eventually is a sequel to this "Sonic" movie, just so it can have the tagline “The Sega Continues.”

Jimmy Works It Out (Michelob Ultra)

There are a ton of people who find Jimmy Fallon funny, so this is probably fine for them. This has everything a Super Bowl commercial is supposed to have: elaborate production, cameos from athletes and stars. But I can’t shake the fact that Jimmy Fallon tries too hard; the payoff just isn’t there for me. Maybe I still see him as the guy who laughed through every "SNL" sketch he was ever in.

Ostensibly this is an ad for Michelob Ultra, but it might as well be vanilla beer to match the bland Fallon.

Please, God, go away

Gabe Gabriel is my mortal enemy. He is unavoidable on Super Bowl Sunday, so stay safe out there everybody.

[derpwithglasses]

Logan Review (2017) 

I remember when I first watched X-Men back in the year 2000. One of the most memorable scenes for me was Wolverine’s introduction. That moment of seeing those powerful claws put to use for the first time was a sight to behold. Flash forward seventeen years later, and Hugh Jackman has owned the role of Wolverine. Our beloved superheroes have had changes over the years. Superman, Batman, Spiderman, etc. have all been graced by different actors. Even our own mutants, the leaders of the packs themselves Professor X and Magneto have had different actors. (Although, I love James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender in those roles and I hope they continue them). The point is, there has only been ONE Wolverine on the movie screen, and that is Jackman’s Wolverine. There have been seven X-Men universe movies with Wolverine/Jackman credited in them, and nine if you want to count the surprise cameos in ‘First Class’ and ‘Apocalypse’. I enjoyed all the X-Men movies I have seen. ‘Days of Future Past’ was my favorite, ‘The Last Stand’ was my least but still enjoyable. However, ‘Logan’ separates itself from the others. It separates itself from other comic book inspired movies in the Marvel and DC Universe. It is unconventional, intense, gritty, heartfelt, dark, and violent. It is also very funny, with Jackman providing his famous grumpy and pissed off persona that made us all love this character. Another hats off props I want to give is to Patrick Stewart. Seeing him and Jackman on screen together as a kind of father/son relationship is always a joy. And in this movie, it really shines. If this is their last (they both have confirmed retirement from the roles, but one can still hope) time playing these two characters, they really gave it their all with this movie. ‘Logan’ was directed by James Mangold (The Wolverine 2013), also known for (’3:10 to Yuma’, ‘Walk the Line’) This movie takes place in the year 2029. Mutants are just about extinct. Logan works as a limousine driver, living in an isolated desert area near the Mexican border with Caliban and Professor X. (For all those non-comic book nerds wondering who Caliban is and what he is doing in this movie, this article could help https://moviepilot.com/p/who-is-caliban-logan-x-men/421864). Professor X isn’t well, he’s suffering from seizures and memory loss. He is cared for by Logan along with Caliban, and required to take medication at certain hours. It seems that this is the way their lives will all play out. That is, until Logan meets a mysterious woman with a plea for help. As the story unfolds, Wolverine and Professor X are on a journey to protect a gifted young girl Laura (played terrifically by newcomer Dafne Keen) and get her to safety. Logan and Professor X seemed to have just about had it with the missions, but I’m glad they had one more left in them. One thing that should be pointed out is this movie has an R-rating. If you wanted to see what Logan’s (and Laura’s) claws can really do, you won’t be disappointed. Also, the swearing makes things more believable as well mostly for Logan’s part. I grew up playing the X-Men fighting game on Sega Saturn back in the 90′s. What I liked about using Wolverine’s character was that he was straightforward- slash the heck out of your opponent. And it was awesome to see that play out on the big screen, with Wolverine and Laura going complete beastmode on the villains. The fight scenes we’re incredible and brutal (prepare to see lots of blood and flying limbs). This movie is an emotional roller coaster ride that will have you laughing in one scene and then feeling admiration and sadness in the next. The chemistry between Professor X, Laura, and Logan we’re so good. You can just tell they spent a lot of time together while filming this even while off camera. If I was to point out any flaws for this movie, it would be...honestly I really can’t. It would usually be the main antagonist, however I enjoyed Pierce’s character (played cunningly by Boyd Holbrook, hope to see more from him). Another would be if a character did something completely stupid and out of character, but I didn’t notice that either. I guess the only negative would be the confusion about Caliban for the casual X-Men fans, but that is a very small nitpick. Overall, I really enjoyed this movie, it was really good. Hopefully it opens the door for more unconventional approach to comic book based movies. Hugh Jackman gave an incredible performance, and if this is his last time playing Wolverine-standing ovation for all the work over the years. The next actor (if there is one) has some very big shoes to fill. And if you’re still feeling sad and wiping away your tears, there is always a glimmer of hope and X-Men will live on. 

5 out of 5 stars. 

Side Notes 

My favorite comic film of all time is “The Dark Knight” but this one comes pretty close. I just like Batman and The Joker more than Wolverine, but I became a bigger Wolverine and X-Men fan that is for sure.

I really want to see more of Baby Wolverine aka Laura, such a bad-ass character. If they can somehow incorporate the new kids with the First Class X-Men Generation, *faints. If they can add Deadpool to the mix- double faints.

I’m still dreaming about a Quicksliver and Deadpool movie- *heart attack. http://movieweb.com/deadpool-quicksilver-x-men-crossover-movie-evan-peters/ 

Still planning on John Wick reviews, might start the first one today. Possible movies coming up- “Lion”, “Kong-Skull Island”, “Before I Fall”

[esonetwork]

‘Till the end of the line’: ‘Avengers: Endgame’ wraps up a decade of superhero storytelling

New Post has been published on https://esonetwork.com/till-the-end-of-the-line-avengers-endgame-wraps-up-a-decade-of-superhero-storytelling/

‘Till the end of the line’: ‘Avengers: Endgame’ wraps up a decade of superhero storytelling

“This is not going to go the way you think…”

Remember that line from “The Last Jedi” trailer? Marvel fans were wise to keep those same words of warning in mind as they walked into the theater for “Avengers: Endgame.”

The culmination of approximately 10 years and 20 films, “Endgame” is the bittersweet and emotional conclusion to this stage of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

I knew going in that the Avengers would have to pay a steep price to stop Thanos, and I thought I was prepared to say goodbye to some of these characters. Turns out, it was harder than I thought, and while the ending is satisfying, it’s definitely a gut-punch.

I’m not even going to attempt to write a regular review here, because literally anything I say would be a spoiler. And by this point, you’ve either A) already seen it; B) have made plans to see it; or C) this isn’t really your thing and you don’t plan to see it at all, which means that no review of mine is going to convince you of anything. 

These are some of my VERY spoiler-filled thoughts on the film, so final warning if you haven’t seen this movie yet and don’t want to have the twists ruined for you — stop reading now!

WARNING: Literally SO MANY spoilers ahead

All right, if you’re still with me, that means you’ve (hopefully) already seen “Endgame” and we can all commiserate together.

I don’t quite know how to review a movie like this. It’s weird to think that this has all been building since a little movie called “Iron Man” in 2008. I don’t think anyone back then guessed that the end to this story arc would gross $350 million in ONE weekend — and that’s just domestically. It’s a cinematic event film that people needed to see on opening weekend.

I’m sure that in the days and weeks to come, plenty of bloggers will be breaking down the story and all the plot’s twists and turns. I know that if I sat down and started picking apart the details, I’d uncover a few plot holes or inconsistencies in regards to the time travel stuff.

But in the end, what this movie comes down to is the characters, and it’s a fitting end for these superheroes that we’ve come to love over the past decade.

While one could argue that they maybe could have shaved 15-20 minutes off the film to bring its runtime below three hours, none of the time feels wasted to me. We get lots of little character moments, which are all the more meaningful since this is probably the last time we’ll be seeing many of these characters.

“Endgame” has some surprisingly funny moments, despite its more serious tone overall. This helps to break the tension, and also shows how many times, these troubled characters use humor as a coping mechanism.

I was surprised by how quickly the Avengers killed Thanos in the opening minutes — a twist that serves to throw the audience off balance. I had a lot of theories about “Endgame” and really only one of them came true (Falcon taking on the mantle of Captain America, which I’m really excited about).

This twist also provided a good set-up for the main plot of the film, a so-called “time heist” to steal the Infinity Stones from previous points in the timeline and then use them to undo Thanos’ snap. As I mentioned earlier, the “wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey” stuff may have more than a few holes in it if you look closely, but I loved the scenes themselves and seeing the Avengers revisit important moments from their past. It reminds the audience of how much these characters have experienced — and how much they’ve grown.

I appreciated the movie’s slow burn set-up, which culminated in a truly epic final battle that brings together all the characters for one last stand against Thanos. It also contains one of my favorite moments in the entire MCU — when Cap calls Thor’s hammer, Mjolnir, to his hand, proving himself worthy. That moment earned cheers both times I watched this movie in the theater over the weekend.

I wish I had time and space to talk about each character’s journey in this film in depth, but I’m going to highlight the characters that I believe are the two greatest Avengers, and whose stories are the main drivers of this film: Iron Man and Captain America.

For the past year, I’ve been saying that in order for “Endgame” to make an emotional impact, at least one major character needed to die. Thanos is THE “big bad” of the MCU, and if he’s defeated too easily, it undercuts the dramatic impact of “Infinity War” and, truthfully, the entire MCU.

However, I wasn’t expecting Iron Man and Black Widow to be the two major characters to die. Especially with the long-rumored Black Widow spin-off film (which I hope is still happening, as a prequel), Black Widow’s death came as a shock. The scene where she and Hawkeye are fighting over which one of them is going to make the sacrifice is tough to watch, but highlights the strong bond between their characters. It’s a bond I wish had been explored even more in the preceding films.

I really thought that Tony was going to end this movie by retiring and serving in a mentor role, popping up in cameos every now and then. As I’ve mentioned before, Iron Man is my favorite Avenger and one of my all-time favorite film characters, actually. Seeing him die upset me far more than I was prepared for, but I think that in the end, I’ll come around to accepting the story’s conclusion.

Iron Man started the MCU, and even though I didn’t want him to die, I appreciate that the film gave him a powerful final scene, letting Tony be the one who finally stopped Thanos and saved the universe. I could spend another whole blog post going over his character journey throughout the MCU (actually, I did!), but I have loved seeing his redemption arc and watching him grow from a selfish, spoiled playboy into the galaxy’s greatest hero. I would love for a future film to feature his daughter carrying on his legacy and wearing one of the Iron Man suits.

I was expecting Captain America to die in this film, but I really loved the ending they gave his character. After all he’s been through, he deserves to lay down the shield. And the scene where he finally gets that dance with Peggy Carter was a beautiful, poignant ending to his story. Does it break all kinds of time travel rules? Yeah, probably. But emotionally, it just feels *right.*

In short, there are places to be picky with this film. There’s the confusing timeline stuff, and I’ve heard debates about Thor and Hulk’s character arcs. I’ll be curious to see how the CGI ages. But Tony and Cap’s storyline was a home run, at least for me, and reminds us how much the MCU owes Robert Downey Jr. and Chris Evans.

It’s possible we’ll never see another film series quite like this one, and I don’t know what the future of the MCU will look like from here. But I’ve really enjoyed this journey, and it’s meant so much to me as a geek. Thanks for the memories, MCU!

[mrmichaelchadler]

Why Mary Poppins Returns is Disney’s Best Reimagining to Date

“Can’t put me finger / on what lies in store / But I feel what’s to happen / all happened before.”—Bert (Dick Van Dyke) in “Mary Poppins”

Fifty-four years after its release, “Mary Poppins” remains the greatest Disney film of all time. Had “Mary Poppins Returns” been a mere remake of Robert Stevenson’s 1964 Oscar-winning classic, it would rightly be labeled a work of heresy. But what director Rob Marshall has pulled off here is more akin to James Bobin’s “The Muppets” or J.J. Abrams’ “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” Both of these gems achieved the seemingly impossible task of recapturing the appeal of the landmark crowd-pleasers from which they spawned, and that had evaded numerous imitators. Viewers who criticized Abrams for hewing too close to the formula of “A New Hope” failed to take into account just how monumental an achievement it was to make a film that felt like “Star Wars.” Even George Lucas couldn’t replicate his own signature blend of space opera and Saturday morning serials in his enervated prequel trilogy. With “Mary Poppins Returns,” Marshall has triumphed in making a film that—with the exception of its technological flourishes—feels like it could’ve been released in the 1960s, preferably as the first half of a double bill with this year’s similarly goofy “Christopher Robin.” No attempt is made to modernize the source material of P.L. Travers’ books or the Vaudevillian charm that characterized Stevenson’s film. On an aesthetic level, it is as transporting a throwback as Todd Haynes’ “Far from Heaven,” with every cobblestone of the Banks family’s street, Cherry Tree Lane, meticulously recreated in an indoor set, courtesy of ace production designer John Myhre.

“Finding Neverland” scribe David Magee loosely mirrors the beats of the original film in his screenplay, just as composer Marc Shaiman and his “Hairspray” co-lyricist Scott Wittman have created nine new songs that pay homage, in one way or another, to the unforgettable numbers by Robert and Richard Sherman—the melodies of which are interwoven throughout the score. So immortal were the songs in “Mary Poppins” that the Sherman Brothers themselves couldn’t equal them in either “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” or “Bedknobs and Broomsticks,” though both films went on to become widely beloved as well. How extraordinary it is to see, in 2018, a brand new old-fashioned musical, complete with an overture accompanied by paintings evocative of legendary matte artist Peter Ellenshaw. “Hamilton” creator Lin-Manuel Miranda channels the exuberance of Dick Van Dyke’s jack-of-all-trades Bert as lamplighter Jack, who opens the film with “(Underneath the) Lovely London Sky,” a stirring spin on “Chim Chim Cher-ee.” Playing the adult version of Matthew Garber’s Michael Banks, Ben Whishaw sings “A Conversation,” a poignant remembrance of his late wife, in the speak-singing style of Michael’s father (David Tomlinson), who once expounded about “The Life I Lead.” 

No actor in the history of cinema has possessed the indelible screen persona, let alone the pipes, of Julie Andrews, and a “Mary Poppins” film featuring her in any role other than the titular one would feel profoundly wrong. Andrews was entirely correct in turning down a cameo role, providing Emily Blunt the space needed to create her own version of the character. She is a complete delight—sweet, sardonic and more zesty than deadpan. Her singing voice may not hit Andrews’ high notes, but it is more than capable of belting “Can You Imagine That?” (the equivalent to “A Spoonful of Sugar” that kicks off the enchantment), “The Royal Doulton Music Hall” (an abbreviated “Jolly Holiday”), “A Cover Is Not the Book” (Mary and Jack’s irreverent tongue-twisting duet that tips its hat to “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”) and “The Place Where Lost Things Go” (a lullaby reminiscent of both “Stay Awake” and “Feed the Birds”). 

Meryl Streep delivers her best musical performance in ages as Topsy, Mary’s dotty cousin who, like Uncle Albert, has a supernatural conundrum in need of fixing, as detailed in “Turning Turtle” (a much more urgent number than “I Love to Laugh”). Jack and his fellow lamplighters’ big dance routine, “Trip a Little Light Fantastic,” is being pushed as an Oscar contender, though it’s not nearly as acrobatic or catchy as “Step in Time,” which was itself inspired by the British music hall anthem, “Knees Up Mother Brown.” My favorite song of them all is saved for last: “Nowhere to Go But Up,” a joyous companion piece to “Let’s Go Fly a Kite,” performed by living legend Angela Lansbury (who might as well be playing the grandmother of Eglantine Price, the benevolent witch she brought to life in “Bedknobs and Broomsticks”). 

By the time Lansbury materialized for the grand finale, I was already levitating in my seat. Had my critical faculties been rendered useless by the glorious imagery drawn frame-by-frame, thanks to a team of veteran animators who were brought out of retirement solely for the occasion? (The fact animated flowers initially leap from a bowl, after Mary’s spinning of it causes the designs on its rim to coalesce as in a zoetrope, is a brilliant touch.) Or was it the peerless casting of Julie Walters as Ellen, the Banks clan’s longtime maid who nails the accent of Hermione Baddeley, and David Warner as Admiral Boom, a hilarious yet less surly version of Jane and Michael’s delusional neighbor? Or perhaps it was the cameo by Karen Dotrice (the original Jane Banks), who shows up just long enough to utter her trademark line, “Many thanks, sincerely.” I have no doubt my love of the picture was increased exponentially by the marvelous appearance of Dick Van Dyke as Mr. Dawes Jr., the son of the banker he played incognito in “Mary Poppins.” Inhabiting that role in the original film was Arthur Malet, who went on to play Tootles in Steven Spielberg’s “Hook,” where he received his own opportunity to defy gravity just like Mr. Dawes, Sr. The 92-year-old Van Dyke does not soar through the air on wires in “Mary Poppins Returns,” but he does leap atop a desk and dance, a euphoric sight that had the crowd at my preview screening applauding. 

I’m reminded of a priceless story Van Dyke shared on the 40th anniversary DVD of “Mary Poppins.” “When I was playing the old man,” he recalled, “we would break for lunch, and on my way to the commissary, I liked to wait for the buses with the tourists to come along. Then I would start to cross the street. The bus would stop, and I would take forever to cross the road, turning toward the driver to say, ‘Thank you!’ Once the bus began moving on, I’d let it get 20 yards away before I’d pass it in a dead sprint, as fast as I could run.” That’s the same sort of childlike spirit that appears to have informed Marshall’s approach to this movie. It has the same kinetic pacing as the director’s sensational stage-to-screen adaptation, “Chicago,” and it could likely be transferred onto the stage without much alteration. What I admire most about the picture is its refusal to simply recycle what came before. It puts forth the effort to come up with new songs, set-pieces and emotional payoffs, rather than go through the motions of what had already been perfected. In an era where shot-for-shot duplicates are the new norm at Disney, “Mary Poppins Returns” stands as a definitive example of how to honor a masterpiece. “Mary Poppins” will always be irreplaceable, but this endearing tribute succeeded in making me feel like a kid again.

Header Photo Credit: Jay Maidment - © 2017 Disney Enterprises, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

from All Content http://bit.ly/2Q2X2ZJ

[papermoonloveslucy]

Lucy, the Coin Collector

S3;E13~ December 14, 1964

Synopsis

When Jerry finds a rare penny worth $16.50, Lucy and Viv decide to search through thousands of pennies to find a rare one and pay for a new coat and fix their leaky plumbing.  They finally succeed but clumsily drop the coin down the storm drain in the street.  To retrieve it, they must go undercover as sewer workers.  

Regular Cast

Lucille Ball (Lucy Carmichael), Vivian Vance (Vivian Bagley),Gale Gordon (Theodore J. Mooney), Jimmy Garrett (Jerry Carmichael)

Ralph Hart (Sherman Bagley) and Candy Moore (Chris Carmichael) do not appear in this episode. Chris is, however, mentioned by Lucy.

Guest Cast

Ray Kellogg (Policeman) played the loud, barking Assistant Director (“Roll ‘em!”) in “Ricky’s Screen Test” (ILL S4;E6) and later appeared in “Bullfight Dance” (ILL S4;E22). This is the second of his seven episodes of “The Lucy Show.” He also did two episodes of “Here’s Lucy.” Just as in his other screen credits, most most times he played policemen, as he does here.

Monya Andre (Miss Ferguson, Mr. Mooney's Secretary) had appeared as an uncredited background player in such Oscar-nominated films as Imitation of Life (1934), Ninotchka (1939) and It's a Wonderful Life (1946).  This is her only appearance on “The Lucy Show” and her final screen credit before retiring from the business.    

Ferguson is the perfect surname for Mr. Mooney's secretary. It is Scottish in origin, a people stereo-typically known for being thrifty. Ferguson was also the name of the Mayor of Kildoonan in “Lucy Goes to Scotland” (ILL S5;E17). In “Lucy Gets Locked in the Vault” (S2;E4) Mr. Mooney's secretary was Miss Tanner played by Ellen Corby.

William Meader (Bill, Bank Teller) had appeared as an airport extra in “The Ricardos Go to Japan,” a 1959 episode of “The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour.” He made many appearances on “The Lucy Show,” most times as a clerk in Mr. Mooney’s bank, as he does here.

Mr. Mooney calls him Bill during when he is requesting $20 for Lucy. Meader has lines in this episode.

James Gonzales (Jim, Bank Teller) was a popular Hollywood extra who first acted with Lucille Ball in the 1953 film The Long, Long Trailer. He was previously seen on the series as Stan Williams in “Lucy Digs Up a Date” (S1;E2). He was seen in more than 20 episodes of “The Lucy Show” and 3 episodes of “Here’s Lucy.”

Mr. Mooney calls him Jim during when he is requesting $20 in pennies for Lucy. Gonzales has lines in this episode.

Tex Brodus (Sewer Worker) appeared in the stage to screen musical movies South Pacific (1958) and My Fair Lady (1964). This is his only appearance with Lucille Ball.  He left the business in 1967.  

The character is dressed in a vest and hat with a pushed up brim, very reminiscent of TV's most famous sewer worker, Ed Norton (Art Carney, inset photo) from “The Honeymooners.” It is possible that Carney was intended to play this cameo role, but declined. In 1968, Jackie Gleason turned up in full bus driver's uniform as Ralph Kramden in a cameo on “Here's Lucy.”  

Sid Gould (Distracting Passerby) made more than 45 appearances on “The Lucy Show,” all as background characters. He also did 40 episodes of “Here’s Lucy.” Gould (born Sydney Greenfader) was Lucille Ball’s cousin by marriage to Gary Morton. Gould was married to Vanda Barra, who also appeared on “The Lucy Show” starting in 1967, as well as on “Here’s Lucy.”

A dozen background performers play the bank customers, staff, and gawkers in the street.

This is the first and only episode written by David Braverman and Bob Marcus. The two wrote exclusively for television from 1964 to 1969.

The date this episode first aired (December 14, 1964) actor William Bendix died.  Although best known for playing the title role in “The Life of Riley” (1953-1958) on NBC, Bendix and Lucille Ball had both starred in the 1946 film The Dark Corner.

A still photo from this episode with Lucy and Viv in overalls was featured in the photo collage on the Official Season 3 DVD box.  

A scene from this episode was included in “Lucy and Viv Reminisce” (S5;E16), a clips show retrospective aired during the second half of the final season. 

The opening scene has Viv debating whether to have a second cup of ‘rust’ (aka coffee). In the mid-1970s Vivian Vance became a spokesperson for Maxwell House 'rust’.

Lucy is having trouble with her kitchen sink garbage disposal. It bears noting that these disposal units were common on the West Coast, but rare in the New York metropolitan area because they were banned by New York City law as a threat to the sewage system. The ban was finally lifted in 1997. While not totally unknown in outlying areas they were not at all common in the New York suburbs during the 1960s.

Lucy complains that she can't afford to call a plumber. Lucy has previously employed plumbers Joe Melvin (Stafford Repp) in “Lucy and Viv Put in a Shower” (S1;E18) and Harry Tuttle (Jack Benny) in “Lucy and the Plumber” (S3;E2).  

Viv initially compares the geyser spurting from the sink to Yellowstone National Park and later to Old Faithful.  Mostly located in Wyoming, Yellowstone features dramatic canyons, alpine rivers, lush forests, hot springs and gushing geysers, including its most famous, Old Faithful. The kitchen sink also erupted in “Lucy and the Plumber” (S3;E2).

An early road map drawn by Lucy Ricardo of the gang's car trip to California shows a planned stop at Yellowstone, but it was not shown on air or ever mentioned as being visited. 

Among the items Lucy and Viv pull out of their handbags to offer Mr. Mooney as collateral are: 

three earrings 

a collapsible cup 

Jerry's Mickey Mouse watch 

Viv's faux diamond wristwatch (from her cheap ex-husband) 

a tarnished brass compact Lucy said was jade 

a locket of Chris' hair 

a doggie bag of spaghetti and meatballs (which Viv snatches back) 

a jeweled garter 

Jerry's bronzed baby shoe (made into a bank) 

Lucy's high school broad jump medal 

Jerry's bronzed baby shoes were mentioned by Lucy in a season one episode, and were always on display on the top shelf of the bookcase behind the dining room table, even in this episode (see “Blooper Alert” below). 

A visual gag about the many unusual items Lucy keeps in her handbag was featured in 1954′s “Bonus Bucks” (ILL S3;E21).

Viv volunteers to sing a couple of choruses from “Pennies from Heaven” or “Three Coins in the  Fountain.” "Pennies from Heaven" is a song written by Arthur Johnston and Johnny Burke. It was introduced by Bing Crosby in the 1936 film of the same name. It has been covered by numerous artists, including Andy Williams, the same year this episode was first aired. “Three Coins in the Fountain” was written by Jule Styne and Sammy Cahn. It was introduced in the 1955 film of the same name and won that year's Oscar for Best Original Song. “I Love Lucy” actors James Conaty, Harold Miller, Alberto Morin, Vincent Padula, Mario Siletti and Norma Varden, were all uncredited extras in the film.  Varden played Mrs. Van Vlack in “Lucy Gets Her Maid” (S3;E11).

Jerry finds a rare 1927S Lincoln penny that is worth fifty cents. Currently, that coin is worth between $1.75 and $125, depending upon condition. Jerry reads in a book that an 1887 Indian Head penny may be worth $800.  Actually, most 1887 Indian Head pennies are fairly common (45 million were made) and only fetch about $2.50. However, proof specimens (only 2,900 were ever made) in excellent condition can go for more then $6,000!  The 1912S penny found by Lucy and Viv is listed in their book as being worth $16.50. Adjusting for inflation, that would be equivalent of nearly $130 today. As of  2017 the coin was listed online for between $22 and $270, depending upon condition.  

2,000 pennies weigh 5 pounds 14.5 ounces.

In 2001, the Merrick Mint issued “I Love Lucy” commemorative 24 karat plated half dollar coins.  

Callbacks!

This is a slightly re-dressed and re-painted version of the Danfield city street used in “Lucy, the Meter Maid” (S3;E7). That episode's street also featured a florist, a restaurant, a realtors, a mailbox and a Danfield Cab call box. The parking meters, however, have been removed. The taxi call box was also seen in the train station during “No More Double Dates” (S1;E21).

Blooper Alerts!

Inconsistencies! When Lucy and Viv come back from the bank lugging the heavy sack of pennies, Jerry's baby shoe is already sitting back on the living room shelf, when it should still be in Lucy's purse!

Generic! Lucy's box of dish washing soap has no label on it.  This is a contrast with “Lucy Digs Up a Date” (S1;E2), where brand name cleaning products like All and Whisk were seen on camera next to the sink.  

“Lucy, the Coin Collector” rates 4 Paper Hearts out of 5

[tinymixtapes]

Feature: SXSW Film 2017

In Drib, one of the selections at this year’s SXSW, the film’s subject invokes critic Manny Farber’s comparison between “termite art” and “white elephant art” — more or less the difference between art made in the margins and that created with the blessings of prestige. It is useful to reflect on this difference in light of the festival itself, which has, over the past decade, transformed from music fest sidebar, to bastion of zero-budget filmmaking, and finally to red carpet premiere destination for studio and higher-budget indies. As SXSW has evolved into more of a marquee American film festival, it has sometimes struggled to balance its new life as a celeb destination with its name-making reputation for finding, and sustaining, new voices with unusual ideas. It is maybe telling that some of the filmmakers first nourished by the festival have returned this year with their most accessible films to date — and yet, the festival’s programmers have remained committed to finding space (sometimes, indeed, on their program’s margins) for emerging filmmakers trying to find something else. This dialogue between the mainstream and the underground gives SXSW a lot of its particular flavor, and part of the excitement of being here is the potential to stumble into films you didn’t even know you were looking for. What follows is an imperfect hunt through the festival’s underbrush. Some movies that are very much worth your consideration — particularly Janicza Bravo’s Lemon, Erik Ljung’s The Blood Is At the Doorstep, Mónica Álvarez Franco’s The Cloud Forest, and Yuri Ancarani’s The Challenge — are overlooked, which is regrettable, but you should find those movies and watch them. –Dylan Pasture --- Rat Film (dir. Theo Anthony) The only film at this year’s SXSW I was hard-pressed to find anyone with a bad thing to say about it, Rat Film charts the history of vermin control in Baltimore to weave a dense parable about the city’s legacy of racial segregation. Anthony pulls from many sources (interview, portraiture, primitive 3D imagery, android narration, historical record) to bring hard, damning evidence about who is valued — and who gets thrown away — in America. Anthony shows his skill as a filmmaker by saying much of this through his imagery, which is frequently unforgettable, and does the heavy lifting of tying complex ideas together naturally. If the film has any weakness, it’s that the visionary rat-controlled sound generator by Baltimorean Dan Deacon (who also contributes the score here) gets frustratingly little screen time. A great film that speaks intelligently to the long, horrific road that led to this period in American history, and whose closing image will haunt you for the rest of your days. --- Lucky (dir. John Carroll Lynch) A kind of special effects-driven movie where the “effect” is age, Lucky (the first feature from beloved character actor John Carroll Lynch) is defined by its lead performance from Harry Dean Stanton. Ninety years old and still going, Stanton seems to be the film’s reason for being, and the legendary actor gives the picture more than just a presence: co-written by Stanton’s longtime assistant Logan Sparks, the script borrows much from the man’s biography to tell the low key story of a long-retired crank shuffling through a lifetime’s worth of regret in a marginal desert town. It is quirky in the way we now expect ‘indie’ films to be, and full of the sort of big moments often found in films directed by actors, but Lucky has heart, is stacked with memorable cameos (Tom Skerritt’s one scene soliloquy is a highlight), and stays enlivened by Stanton’s easygoing, “I’m here for the cigarettes” performance. Plus, you get to watch Stanton and longtime friend/collaborator David Lynch (no relation to John Carroll) bounce lines off each other for what feels like half the movie (Lynch looks pretty good in a hat, in case you were wondering). --- Easy Living (dir. Adam Keleman) As driven by its lead as Lucky but in every other way made on a different planet, Easy Living is the sort of movie one hopes to find at film festivals but rarely does: independent, personal, and bonkers. Director Adam Keleman’s vision of an alcoholic makeup saleswoman (an incredible Caroline Dhavernas) starts off with a familiar dynamic: will our hero clean up her act, or stay a trainwreck forever? At times edging into Lifetime movie territory, Keleman gradually ups the crazy while matched step for step by Dhavernas’s willingness to “go there.” By the time the film hits its out of nowhere third act, you just kind of have to go along for the trip, unforgettable dialysis machine sequence and all. Like a pizza with every topping, Easy Living gives you more than you ever asked for: melodrama, high camp, robberies, townies, a primer on small business loans, and an ultimately sincere look at the difficulties of living life on your own terms. In a film culture that withholds so much, it is refreshing, for once, to be granted plenty. --- Satan Said Dance (dir. Kasia Roslaniec) The third feature from Polish auteur Kasia Roslaniec has a curious double life: though screened here in a feature-length cut for festival purposes, Satan Said Dance was conceived as a nonlinear, interactive piece in which viewers use an app to assemble its scenes into a sequence of their choice. Though the official synopsis describes it as an “Instagram film,” this is simply a film through and through. Telling the transfiguration story of a fledgling novelist who crashes, burns, and comes back to life (not necessarily in that order) through the crucible of the European hipster party world, Satan embraces the fragmented feeling of online videos to more deeply capture its protagonist’s view of the world. The avalanche of party scenes can feel repetitive, and in this viewer’s opinion not all of the sequences work — but in taking the risk to find a new language native to this era instead of just cynically throwing together an app-based social media campaign, Roslaniec deserves a lot of credit for succeeding at the high level she does. That the filmmaker asks you to decide for yourself what works and what doesn’t provides a freedom few directors allow or encourage, a trait which, in its best moments, makes Satan Said Dance seem nearly heroic. Here’s hoping that other filmmakers act on the challenge Roslaniec has thrown down. --- Sylvio (dir. Albert Birney) Another, very different film drawn from the landscape of the internet, Sylvio began life as “Simply Sylvio,” a long-running series of Vine videos starring the eponymous anthropomorphic gorilla. The Vines were charming and, well, simple, qualities that largely carry over into the creature’s feature length debut. Co-directed by “Sylvio” creator Albert Birney and SXSW legend Kentucker Audley (the man who put “Movies” on a hat), the film grafts an underdog-battles-the-odds plot (and a backstory) onto its silent star, throwing the hapless ape into a quest to save a local public access talk show while staying true to his autobiographical puppet show (long story). Slight and stunningly low-stakes, Sylvio is at its best when it relies on what the Vines did well: deadpan physical comedy and Sylvio’s natural charm. Those with a weakness for meticulous production design and tender fantasy will most likely fall for the yearnings of this young, sensitive primate trying to find his place in a mixed-up crazy world. --- Person To Person (dir. Dustin Guy Defa) Can kindness be a radical act? Person To Person seems to suggest as much, and your appreciation for it will probably depend on your ability to accept a film on terms this gentle. Set over one ambling, reasonably paced day in New York City (and one with really nice weather to boot), Dustin Guy Defa’s follow up to SXSW alum Bad Fever is as open-hearted and pleasant as his debut was one long angst nightmare. Defa has made a series of accomplished shorts between these two features (including the excellent introduction to this film’s “Bene” character from 2014, also titled Person To Person), and one can’t help but see this latest work as the culmination of his half-decade of experimenting with character. Though the film features some recognizable faces (Michael Cera and Abbi Jacobson maybe most of all), Defa privileges nobody and depends on his full ensemble, building a series of stories that don’t so much interlock as run parallel to create a unified, lightly connected image of city life. Person is probably nails on a chalkboard to somebody not receptive to its particular, breezy vibe; this viewer, however, fell hard for its tribute to friendship and the modest doses of happiness that make life worth shuffling through. Generous throughout, Person To Person returns the affection it invites from you right up to its final, heart-stopping declaration of love. --- Maineland (dir. Miao Wang) Miao Wang’s previous, excellent feature Beijing Taxi used the stories of local Beijing taxi drivers as a gateway for the director to understand the ways in which her native city had changed in the years since she had moved to the U.S. In Maineland, Wang flips her strategy, following a group of upper-class Chinese teenagers as they leave home for a boarding school in Maine. Perhaps reflecting her own young expatriate journey to the states, Wang’s film dives into the emotions of these kids in an unfamiliar place, showing both the difficulty they have relating to their new home as well as the occasional comforts (scenes of the students meeting up at the local nondescript Chinese takeout place are both touching and a little sad). As they debate what to make of their futures, their personalities, and capitalism, Maineland reveals itself to be not only a portrait of these children of the elite — and probable future leaders of the free world — but of the complexities of adolescence itself. --- Win By Fall (dir. Anna Koch) In its own way a fitting companion piece to Maineland, Anna Koch’s Win By Fall (not to be confused with the similarly titled Joe Swanberg movie that came and went here) also uses the documentary form to chart the growing pains of a group of boarding-school students. In her case, however, Koch stays at home and digs deep into her native Germany to chart the trials of a quartet of girls at Frankfurt/Oder’s “Elite School of Sport,” a highly competitive wrestling program. Using the familiar structure of a sports film (we even have our countdown to the Big Game), Win By Fall elegantly compares the agony of failure, and the thrill of victory, to inherent anxieties about the body, status, and identity by blowing it up to a competitive level. Gorgeously shot, and edited with a crispness that always gives you just as much as you need at any moment, Win By Fall nevertheless seemed strangely overlooked at this festival. Perhaps the world of German teenage wrestling is too niche for a general audience, but for those willing to seek it out, Koch has given you a great, memorable film about the big questions of youth. --- Drib (dir. Kristoffer Borgli) If Kiarostami’s Close-Up was about branded content, and also totally jacked-up, you might get something like Drib, a metafictional account of one prank artist’s attempt to troll the system — and how it undoes him. Andy Kaufman-worshipping Norwegian comedian/viral video star Amir Asgharnejad recounts his attempt to get a famous energy drink company to hire him as their spokesman, and things predictably go from bad to worse. Complicating the tale, however, is the presence of his friend Kristoffer Borgli (the director of Drib), who stages reenactments of Asgharnejad’s story starring… Asgharnejad himself. As these mirrors fold in on themselves, Borgli asks us to puzzle out the truth not only of Amir’s story but his own reenactments of them, raising the question of whether it is ever possible for someone to tell a story honestly through mediation. A bitter bloodletting session about this present era of Vice-approved “edginess” (embodied in the film by Amir’s antagonist, a perfectly cast Brett Gelman as an insufferable, Faustian ad exec desperate to stay relevant), this film speaks so immediately to its moment it feels as if it’s being made while you’re seeing it. Animated by an extremely on-brand score from PC Music associate Felicita, and stuffed with the same hi-gloss, ad-world imagery it parodies, Drib is dizzying, compulsively watchable, and a real blast. Don’t forget to like and subscribe for additional content. --- I’d also like to give an honorable mention to Kristen Lepore’s short film Hi Stranger, which screened in the Midnight Shorts block and sat on my mind like a curse ever since. Perhaps describable as “dark ASMR,” Lepore’s brief, deeply unsettling animation is best seen with no preparation —other than to say that if you have problems with intimacy, well, hold on tight. Hi Stranger can currently be viewed for free on Vimeo. [pagebreak] With any film festival, there’s always going to be a mixed bag of movie quality. Some are exceptional without any need for asterisks or further qualification, while others are good “for a first time director” or have an interesting idea or performance that elevates the rest of the film. Then there are many that are just okay, with highlights across the board, but ultimately aren’t too noteworthy or memorable. Lastly, there are those wretched films that somehow got passed through by a programmer that makes one question what anyone ever saw in that movie. SXSW 2017 was no different, with its own assortment of various tiered films. Luckily, out of the 26 movies I caught, most were very good (and most of them recounted below), a handful were just okay, and only two were pretty awful with very little saving graces. Perhaps the most interesting twist is that at least three of the big Hollywood films (Baby Driver, The Big Sick, The Disaster Artist) were really good, while the other offerings from established studios were mostly unexceptional in every way. It was a year that covered many topics with some recurring themes — sexual trauma, revenge, power of music. The Midnighters section was surprisingly lacking this year, with one clear standout (see below), but otherwise the film was stacked with some excellent examples of cinema, and even a few that will stand the test of time as classics of the genre. –Neurotic Monkey --- Prevenge (dir. Alice Lowe (III)) Alice Lowe’s debut as sole writer and director is an excellent hybrid of dry British humor crossbred with gonzo-horror premise. A pregnant woman is compelled, possibly by the voice of her unborn child, to seek revenge on others in bloody and spectacular fashion. The humor is coal-black and great, and there are many excellent sequences that work well to meld the tension of horror with hilarious dialogue to underline the absurdity of it all. It’s a completely unique plot, built on many revenge movies of the past, but works so well because of the myriad tones Lowe is able to synthesize together into one coherent piece. --- The Transfiguration (dir. Michael O’Shea) Michael O’Shea’s filmmaking debut is mostly a good one, fueled by an interesting premise, strong performances, and a unique setting not often showcased in horror films. It’s a bit of a misnomer to label it a “vampire film,” as it’s more in line with either Romero’s Martin or even Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer as it depicts a budding sociopath’s attempt to direct his darker impulses and mesh them with his fantastical beliefs. The two leads (Eric Ruffin and Chloe Levine) are outstanding as two young people stuck in a wasteland without much hope, and bring a lot of smart character decisions to their portrayals that seem beyond their young ages. While the film underscores some of its narrative — often stating out loud something that audiences can easily infer — that’s to be expected of a first-time writer/director who is uncertain if viewers will pick up on the subtleties. Still, it’s a strong debut that is unflinching in its depiction of outsiders and willing to wallow in the darkness of their minds and lives. --- Hounds of Love (dir. Ben Young) Another breakout feature-length debut, this time from writer/director Ben Young, Hounds Of Love is incredibly well-stylized, fueled by tremendous performances from its actors and a shocking amount of restraint from the filmmaker. The film is disturbing, ratcheting up the tension in a masterful way, but it never feels exploitative or indulgent thanks to Young’s ability (aided by his cast) to humanize its participants. The story of a couple that kidnap, sexually assault, and torture high school girls should be the stuff of grindhouse fare, but Young elevates it to a much more artistic exploration of survival, love, and the twisted devotion that the worst of abusers can inspire amongst others. It’s not a comfortable or easy watch, but it is a strong film that defies its genre roots to be an artful examination of an extreme event. --- Baby Driver (dir. Edgar Wright) Edgar Wright’s fifth film (and first time writing without a partner) was perhaps my most anticipated film of SXSW and 2017. I’m a devotee of Wright’s kinetic direction, cracking dialogue, and whip-smart editing, so I was curious to see what he would do in the crime genre. What Wright delivered — while still owing to works like Walter Hill’s The Driver and even Refn’s Drive — is an utterly original mashup of the pulp thriller with the musical, as diegetic songs accompany and even fuel every moment of the movie. Great stunts, car chases, and action sequences are perfectly executed to a great beat, while the cast (including Ansel Elgort, Jamie Foxx, Jon Hamm, Kevin Spacey, and others) turn in some gritty and fun noir character work. The ending doesn’t quite work as well as it should, and takes away some of the punch of the movie, but the rest of it is so good and original it’s easy to forgive and simply enjoy the 95% that did work like gangbusters. --- The Disaster Artist (dir. James Franco) It would’ve been very easy for James Franco to have turned the making of Tommy Wisseau’s The Room into an extended joke, complete with awful impressions of the “auteur” and merely relying on awkward references to the cult classic. Instead, The Disaster Artist emerged as my favorite film of SXSW 2017 because not only is it hilarious, but it is a sincere and heartfelt depiction of a man struggling with his place in the world and an artist struggling to realize his (rather unfortunate) vision. A spiritual successor to Ed Wood, The Disaster Artist is the story of a dreamer whose visions far surpass his talents, and the tension that emerges between those two realities. Franco’s performance as Wisseau avoids being a caricature, but instead is a lived-in, sympathetic portrait of an enigmatic man who simply wants to be loved. It’s a touching film that speaks to the artistic dreamer in all of us, while still being hilarious due to all of the (true) absurd shenanigans that occurred in the making of the film. --- Tragedy Girls (dir. Tyler MacIntyre) My second favorite film of the festival, and clearly the best of the Midnighter program, Tyler MacIntyre’s Tragedy Girls is an utterly fun romp into dark comedy and horror tropes. Depicting two girls’ obsession with status, built on the backs of a horrible murder spree in their hometown by a masked slasher, the film feels like a social media-infused version of Heathers meets Behind The Mask: The Rise Of Leslie Vernon. It’s funny, raucous, and very smart about the various genre clichés it uses and subverts, all while delivering an engaging film firing on all of its multiple levels. A takedown of online celebrity, a Mean Girls-esque satire of high school hierarchies, and a love letter to horror conventions, Tragedy Girls is a great film that will leave audiences cheering thanks to its wit and heart. --- Patti Cake$ (dir. Geremy Jasper) Already receiving a ton of buzz after its premiere at Sundance, Geremy Jasper’s Patti Cake$ deserves all of the hype with its sincere but ridiculous take on the musical underdog subgenre. Played like 8 Mile seen through a quirky indie filter, the movie tells the story of three outsiders in New Jersey with dreams of escaping their downtrodden fates through music. While not particularly realistic, it does still treat its characters like real people, with motivations and arcs that viewers can follow and with which they can sympathize. The songs are incredibly catchy, and the performances don’t feel like cardboard cutouts of “funky” figures that are just made for laughs or randomness. While the story is a might predictable, I think this film will be a sleeper when it’s released by Fox Searchlight, eventually accumulating a cult following of people who can’t help but join in the infectious joy that comes with the struggle of the main characters. --- Small Town Crime (dir. Eshom Nelms/Ian Nelms) Small Town Crime, by fraternal filmmakers Eshom and Ian Nelms, plays like a grittier version of a Shane Black detective story. There’s less lightheartedness and more grounded action in the Nelms’ movie than a Black film, but intriguing characters that spout pithy and memorable dialogue populate it. John Hawkes continues to impress in his role as a disgraced cop turned private detective who finds himself in way over his head with a case of a dead girl. With nods to Raymond Chandler and various neo-Westerns, the film is an exciting dive into a seedy world, entertaining and engaging throughout. There are plenty of twists and turns, and strong performances from every member of the cast. --- Most Beautiful Island (dir. Ana Asensio) Ana Asensio’s Most Beautiful Island is a strong movie that centers around a narrative twist that arrives late in the game. So, to avoid spoiling it, as that is part of the perverse pleasure of this film, all I will say is the film is about a haunted immigrant struggling to survive in NYC. It’s a clash of classes as the poor are subjugated for the ultra-rich, and it becomes clear that dreams of a better life, or at the very least an escape from the past, can come with a hefty price tag. Asensio’s movie does a great job establishing the world of New York populated by the invisible working class just trying to get by before quickly ratcheting up the tension in the third act to reveal the shadowy undercurrent that exists in any bifurcated society. Excellent debut by the writer, director, and lead; it’s an occasionally tough film, but the payoff is worth it as Asensio is incredibly assured in the journey she’s taking the audience. http://j.mp/2nHXkuV