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artificialqueens · 8 years

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Visions of Summer - Part Three - Manila x Jinkx by Scarlet

A/N - Part three of my first Manila x Jinkx fic. I don’t reference it in the fic but in my head this is set in the mid 1990’s. Based on the song ‘In This Diary’ by the Ataris (lyrics can be found throughout fic) also influenced by a few other songs. I am posting this on my blog @fortheloveofpearlet also.

T/W - drugs, alcohol, bad language,attempted suicide, smut and angst. Told from Jink'x POV.

Part Three - 18

Lighting fireworks in parking lots,

Illuminate the blackest nights.

Cherry cokes under this moonlight summer sky.

2015 Riverside, it’s time to say “goodbye”.

The summer of my eighteenth year would be the last we properly spent together, I just didn’t know it yet. It would also be one of the most memorable of my life. I’m still not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.

Karl’s mom and dad moved to the Philippines in the fall but he’d managed to convince them to let him stay with his aunt in Seattle. I’d spent the last year still mulling over the idea that I’d know when I was ready to lose my virginity. That jolt had never happened and I was starting to think it never would. And then one day, it did.

I let myself in the house and headed down to the basement. Jason was laying on his stomach on the couch reading a magazine with his head in Matt’s lap while Matt read the magazine over his shoulder. Ben was on a bean bag smoking a blunt. They didn’t even hear me enter.

‘Guys,’ I cleared my throat. 'I need your help.'

Jason’s eyes fluttered up from his magazine.

'Are you finally going to let me take you shopping?’ His eyes lit up a little.

'No.’ I shook my head. 'Definitely not.’

'Boo.’ He said and then went back to his magazine.

'Guys this is serious!’ I stepped further into the room but none of them paid me any attention. I walked over to the stereo and switched off the music which made them all groan.

'What the hell Jinkx?’ Matt looked at me with a frown.

'I need your help. This is serious.’ I told them and they all looked at me in confusion. We’d made up pretty soon after that day at the pool, Matt had said he was just angry because he and Jason were fighting and he hadn’t meant to take it out on me. And like the good little lapdog I’d just accepted that. I think as much as they annoyed me, I would miss them if they weren’t around. Matt and Jason also made up soon after. Naomi had gone off to college now so she wasn’t around school as a constant reminder of what Matt had done and Jason had eventually softened and taken him back. They no longer had an open relationship, it was just the two of them and they seemed happier than ever.

'What’s going on?’ Ben dragged on the blunt with a frown. I took a few deep breaths.

'I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently and I’ve finally had a realisation. A lightning bolt hit me today and now I know…I’m ready.’ I told them, not realising quite how cryptic that sounded.

'Ready for what?’ Matt asked me. Did I really have to spell it out? I shyly bit my lip and I felt my cheeks burning with embarrassment.

'I’m ready to…you know…' please don’t make me spell it out.

'Just spit it out Jinkx.’ Jason told me. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

'I’m ready to do it. Like, lose my virginity.’ I whispered the last part. Three shocked faces looked back at me and they all gasped.

'Oh my god!’ Jason sat up. 'With Karl?’ He grinned.

'No some random guy I just met.’ I rolled my eyes. 'Yes Karl.'

'Oh my god I’ve waited for this day for so long!’ Jason squealed and jumped up from the couch. 'You’ll need to shave your asshole.’

'What?’ I frowned.

'Having a douche wouldn’t hurt.’ Matt added.

'There’s always anal bleaching.’ Ben spoke up. I looked between my three friends like they’d all lost their damn minds. This wasn’t what I had in mind when I asked for their help.

'Ok let’s just take a step back.’ I told them. 'I just wanted help with like, how do I go about this? I can’t just go up to him and be like, hey Karl I want you to fuck me, can I?’ I was pretty sure that wasn’t how it worked.

'You could.’ Jason shrugged. 'But maybe be a bit more subtle about it.'

'Like how?'

'Just start making out with him and like start moving your hands down south. He’ll get the picture.’ Matt smirked.

'Oh my god our little Jinkx is finally going to be a man.’ Ben stood up and squeezed my cheeks. I was regretting this already.

'It’ll hurt, you need to bare that in mind. But once you get over the pain, holy shit you will wonder why you never did this sooner.’ Jason told me.

'I wonder how big he is.’ Matt mused.

'He looks like he’s packing.’ Jason winked.

'Oh my god.’ I groaned. 'Maybe I’m not ready.’ I fell to the couch and put my head in my hands. My excitement about this whole thing had been extinguished like a flame.

'No don’t say that!’ Jason sat next to me and put his hand on my shoulder. 'You’re going to love it, trust us.'

'But this is a big deal! What if I end up regretting it? What if it’s terrible, what if I’m terrible?’ I looked at Jason, sadness and confusion emanating from my eyes.

'Karl seems like a good guy. The kind of guy anyone would be lucky to have as their first.’ Matt sat down on my other side.

'He is a really good guy.’ I agreed.

'You’ve clearly given this a lot of thought Jinkx which is more than most people do. And it’s obvious you really like Karl and judging by the way he looks at you he really likes you too. I think you should go for it.’ Ben smiled at me and I started feeling a little better. Maybe I was thinking about it too much.

'Yeah you’re probably right.’ I nodded. 'I should probably stop over thinking it. It’s just sex right?'

'Exactly.’ Matt patted my back. 'When were you thinking of doing it?’

'I’m going over to his before Robbie’s party tonight so maybe then?’ I asked my friends because I wasn’t sure.

'Do it!’ Jason grinned. 'He’s not going to know what hit him.’

'The next time we see you, you won’t be a virgin anymore!’ Matt chuckled. I felt my heart start to beat heavily in my chest. Nerves consumed me. I hoped to god I wasn’t going to live to regret this.

————————————

If I’d thought I was nervous earlier I was a complete mess now as I stood on the doorstep to Karl’s aunt’s house. I’ve never cared how I dressed before but I cared that night. Anticipation ran through my bones and I tugged at the black and white shirt I’d borrowed from Jason. It didn’t feel like it fit right. I held my breath as I waited for him to answer the door. This could be it. The next time I walked through this door everything could have changed.

When Karl opened the door he smiled brightly at me and then he frowned a little taking in my outfit.

'What are you wearing?’ He asked sounding a little amused as he took in the patterned shirt and skinny jeans. I shrugged.

'I thought it was about time for something new.’

'I’ve never seen you wear jeans before, let alone white.’ He chuckled, stepping aside to let me in the door.

'It’s mostly black.’ I tried to play it off like it was nothing.

'Right ok.’ He shook his head. 'Come on up, I just need to finish my hair and we can go.’ He started up the stairs and I followed him. I felt like my whole body was shaking. I felt my heart beating hard and of course I felt a little weak at the knees, I had sweaty palms and a racing pulse. I followed him to his bedroom where he went straight over to his mirror and began running his fingers through his hair. I watched him for a moment, taking in every detail of the way he moved. He really was such a beautiful creature. My friends were right, I would be lucky to lose it to him. I took a few deep breaths to try and calm my breathing and then I decided I was done thinking. I went up behind Karl and grabbed him by the shoulders. I spun him around to face me and he looked a little confused but then I kissed him, wrapping my arms around his neck. The kiss got really heated, really quickly and god I really did want this. We were both completely out of breath when I pulled back.

'Whoa Jinkx, what was that for?’ He chuckled a little.

'I’m ready Karl.’ I told him. 'I’m ready. I want you.'

Karl’s face dropped a little and he bit his lip. He stepped back from me and scuffed his toe on the carpet.

'Uhm…I’m not sure that’s a good idea.’ He croaked. My heart felt like it stopped beating when he said that. How could he say that? Surely I hadn’t read the signals wrong. Ok so I’m not great at this kind of stuff but I’m pretty sure Karl likes me. I stepped back myself, feeling as though the walls were closing in on me.

'I…uh…but I thought…’

'I met someone.’ Karl cut me off looking a little sheepish. 'I’m so sorry.'

I backed up further feeling dizzy and as though I might vomit. He’d met someone? What about us? So we might not have slept together or done anything like that but we made out a lot and acted very much like we were together. How could he have met someone?

'You…but…oh my god I’m such a fucking idiot.’ I’d waited too long. Karl had gotten bored of waiting for me, of course he had. I was such a fool.

'No you’re not.’ Karl stepped towards me. 'I’m sorry Jinkx, it’s just bad timing is all.'

'Story of my fucking life.’ I felt tears brimming behind my eyes and I knew I couldn’t let Karl see me that vulnerable so I ran for the door and headed down the stairs.

'Jinkx, don’t go!’ Karl ran after me. ‘Jinkx I’m sorry.’

'It’s ok.’ I called over my shoulder, trying my best to not sound like I was imminently going to cry. 'I have to go.’ I flung open the front door and ran down the path towards the street.

'Jinkx please, come back!’ Karl called after me but I didn’t stop. I didn’t even turn around. I just ran. I felt like the world’s biggest idiot. I’d spent too long thinking instead of just doing and I’d blown my chance. Karl wasn’t mine to have anymore, if he ever was to begin with. I had absolutely no one to blame but myself. As usual, Jinkx manages to fuck everything up. No wonder Karl didn’t want me.

————————————

My phone hadn’t stopped ringing for hours. At first it had been Karl and then the longer I sat here I started getting calls from Matt, Jason and Ben. I ignored them all. I wanted to be alone.

My tears had long ago let up, thank god. I lit another blunt and took a long drag. I’d lost count of how many I’d smoked now, but I definitely had a nice buzz going on and I didn’t want to ruin that by answering my damn phone. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t go to Robbie’s party because I couldn’t bear to face Karl and all the questions I knew my friends would have. How the fuck was I ever supposed to look at Karl again? How the fuck was I going to explain to my friends that he didn’t want me? I was such an idiot. Of course he didn’t want me, why would he? Over the last few years since I’d met Karl my confidence had been at its peak. Of course I was far from being happy in my own skin but Karl made me feel better about myself. Right now it felt like I was back at square one, possibly even minus one. What would a gorgeous, smart and funny guy want with me? I was just something to pass the time until someone better came along. I was a consolation prize. I was never a first choice. I knew that more than ever now.

My friends found me eventually, I knew they would. They’d seen Karl at Robbie’s party and he’d filled them in on what had happened so thankfully I didn’t have to. They’d taken me back to Matt’s and put on music I liked and let me just sit in silence and smoke. Every now and again they asked me how I was and I would just shrug and continue smoking. I didn’t make it home that night, Matt let me crash on the couch. I didn’t feel any better the next day. Or the day after that. Or for several days after that. I started to think that I never would feel better. My life had been so much easier before I met Karl. I had done so well at keeping my guards up and not letting anyone close to me. With Karl, my guards had slipped so slowly and gradually I hadn’t realised it was happening. He gotten in. I’d felt something for him. And of course it ended in pain. These things always did.

————————————

I spent the next two weeks of summer pretty much locked up in my room. Whenever my dad came to look for me I would hide under my bed so he would think I was out. I couldn’t deal with him right now. Matt, Jason and Ben came by every so often to check on me and see if I was up for going to the pool or to a party but my answer was always no. I didn’t feel much like doing anything.

After three weeks they forced me out. They started a protest and wouldn’t leave my front lawn until I came out with them. I wouldn’t have gone, only I didn’t want them attracting the attention of my dad so it seemed easier to go. They dragged me to a party Brian was throwing with his now girlfriend Katya who was back from college for the summer. Don’t ask how that happened because I have no idea. Ben kept telling me that apparently Katya was really nice and not at all like her Triple A gang and supposedly her and Brian were crazy about each other. I told him I predicted it ending in heart break, just like it always does. I think Ben decided to leave it after that.

Some of the other Triple A’s were back in town for the party, Alaska, Willam and Courtney were there. Roxxxy and Naomi had other plans, I thought it was probably a good thing Naomi wasn’t in attendance. The guys got drinks and I lit a blunt as we hung back and surveyed the room. Matt came over to my side.

'Dude you’ve missed some drama.’ He told me excitedly. I didn’t care for drama but Matt sounded so eager to tell me that I couldn’t deny him that. Also, I needed a distraction.

'Yeah?’ I dragged on the blunt.

'Oh yeah.’ He grinned. 'So, I found out the other week that Ben and Robbie have been fucking for a few weeks.’

'Ben? And Robbie?’ I frowned. 'I didn’t think Ben fucked a guy more than once.’

'Neither did I.’ Matt’s eyes were glistening like they usually did when he was spilling the tea. 'I think Ben likes him.'

'Wow.’ I laughed a little. 'How long have I been out the loop for?'

'Too long.’ Matt sipped his drink. 'So also, there are rumours that Katya’s pregnant.'

'No fucking way.’ I gasped.

'It’s just rumours, but I’ve been watching her and she hasn’t had a drink or smoke yet.’ He raised his eyebrows suspiciously.

'Oh my god. That is some good fucking tea.’ I wasn’t usually one for gossip but this was doing a really good job of taking my mind off Karl and how miserable I was.

'I haven’t got to the best part yet.’ Matt’s eyes sparkled even more.

'There’s more?’

'Saved the best for last.’ He smirked and came closer to my ear.

'Danny is fucking a teacher.’ He whispered.

'Fuck all the way off.’ I shoved his shoulder in shock. I’d known Danny years, he didn’t seem like the type.

'I will not.’ Matt laughed. 'Guess who?’

'I have no idea. Who?’ I took another drag on my blunt, staring at Matt in anticipation. His smirk grew and he leant back to my ear.

'Mr Haylock.’

'No. No fucking way. You’re making this shit up.'

'Ask him yourself.’ Matt shrugged. 'Apparently it’s been going on months.’

'But Mr Haylock is old! He’s at least forty.’ I pulled a face.

'Yeah but come on, he’s not bad on the eyes.’ Matt laughed.

'Yeah but still.’ I bit my lip. 'Gross.’ I shuddered a little which made Matt laugh harder.

'I would.’ He shrugged and took the blunt from my fingers.

'Don’t tell Jason that.’ I nudged his arm.

'Oh trust me, I ain’t that dumb.’ Just as he said this, Jason sauntered over.

'I don’t know what you’re talking about but it’s not as important as what I have to say so stop.’ He held his hands up to silence us even though we weren’t talking anymore. 'Do I have food in my teeth?’ He opened his mouth to allow Matt to inspect his teeth. I rolled my eyes, he could be so vain sometimes.

'No baby, you’re all good.’ Matt told him and kissed his cheek.

'Thanks babe.’ Jason grinned. 'See ya.’ And with that he sauntered away again. Matt dragged on my blunt.

'This might sound completely bitchy and shady but I really don’t know how you put up with him. I mean I love him but I would never be able to date someone so…so…’

'Vain? Narcissistic? Shallow?’ Matt smiled a little at me and I couldn’t help but laugh.

'Yeah that.’

'He’s alright. He’s not like this all the time believe it or not. When it’s just the two of us he’s completely different. This is just his public persona. When we’re alone he’s super insecure and vulnerable. He needs me more than he’d ever admit and I love him for that.’ Matt swooned a little. I honestly couldn’t imagine Jason being like that. I always thought he had the whole world figured out, could he really be just as big of a mess as the rest of us?

'I’m struggling to picture that.’ I admitted, taking back my joint.

'I’m not surprised.’ Matt laughed. 'There’s a lot more to him than meets the eye, that’s why I fell for him.'

'You two are lucky. I’m never going to find that.’ I sighed, feeling sorry for myself once again.

'Don’t say that Jinkx. Just because Karl is an asshole doesn’t mean every guy is.’

'It took me eighteen years to find a guy I liked enough to want to sleep with. What if it takes another eighteen years to find someone else? Or what if I never do?’ These were thoughts that had kept me occupied the last few weeks. I never thought I would express them out loud. Matt put his arm around my shoulders and squeezed me.

'There’s someone else out there for you Jinkx. Karl is not the be all and end all, I’m sure of it.'

'I hope you’re right. Or maybe I don’t. I’m not sure I want to meet anyone else. I didn’t want to meet anyone in the first place.'

'Love finds us in mysterious ways.’

'Who said anything about love?’ I scoffed. 'You’ve had too much weed.'

'Or have I not had enough?’ Matt grinned and pinched the blunt from me again. 'Things will work out, I swear to you.’

'Sure.’ I sighed not believing him but I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. I looked out across the room. Katya was drinking what looked like a tap water, maybe the rumours were true after all? Danny was on his phone, I wondered if he was speaking to Mr Haylock. Ben and Robbie were chatting in the corner of the room. Every now and again Ben would look over his shoulder as if to make sure no one was watching them. If it was supposed to be a secret they were doing a really poor job of keeping it that way; I could practically taste the sexual tension. Jason was dancing in the middle of the room, ever the centre of attention. I bit my lip a little as I looked around all the familiar faces in the room. The people I’d grown up with, some I liked and some I didn’t so much but nonetheless they were all big parts of my life in their own ways. At the end of the summer we’d all be going off to college, going our separate ways and all of this would come crashing down. I wondered if we’d still do things like this in the summer when everyone came home. I wondered if everyone would come home for summer. I knew I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t want to come back to this dull town in my summer vacations from college. I didn’t have to worry about that though because I wasn’t going away to college. I just hadn’t told anyone else that yet. My friends all thought I was going to New York with Karl which was why they assumed I was so upset about what happened. I was supposed to have been going to New York, I got accepted to an art college there. But I wasn’t going. I was going to community college in Seattle. I didn’t know how to tell my friends that though because they would only ask questions I didn’t want to answer. I’d have to tell them eventually but I wanted to wait until a better time, not that I’m sure there would ever be one. I continued looking around the room at all the faces I would, in one way or another, miss when they all left. They were all getting out, something I’d dreamed of doing pretty much since I could walk. I practically counted down the days until college and now it was over. I wasn’t going away. I wasn’t getting out. As if from nowhere a very familiar set of eyes was staring at me all of a sudden. I felt a thousand emotions at once but none of them good. Why for the love of god did Brian invite him? He gave me that signature smile, the lip turned up slightly at the corner. I felt sick. I really felt as though I was going to vomit.

'Jinkx, do you want this?’ Matt nudged me, holding the blunt in my direction. He looked hazy, everything looked hazy. I shook my head, not being able to form any words. And like the pathetic person I am, I ran. I pushed my way through the crowds of people and ran up the stairs until I found the first unoccupied room and shut myself inside. I think it was Brian’s sister’s room, it was too pink and fluffy to be his. I fell to the bed and put my head in my hands. My heart was beating harder than I had ever experience, it was actually hurting my chest. I knew it was a bad idea to come tonight, I should have known he’d be here. I sat like this for some time, too scared to re-join the party because I didn’t know how I’d react if he came over to talk to me. Eventually there was a knock at the door and I assumed it was Matt coming to see why I had just freaked out.

'Come in.’ I sighed. The door opened slowly and cautiously and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or scream when he entered the room. He shut the door, looking at me shyly.

'Hi.’ His voice was croaky.

'What do you want?'

'To talk.’ Karl made his way further into the room and sat down on the bed. I shuffled away from him a little. 'You haven’t been answering my calls.’

'Can you blame me?’ I shot him a look.

'No I suppose not.'

'Please just leave me alone Karl. I feel like the biggest fucking idiot that ever walked the face of the earth. Do you not have a guy you need to see to?’

'There is no guy.’ He sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

'What?’ I frowned. 'But you said-’

'I know what I said.’ He sighed again. 'I lied. There is no guy.'

'You lied?’ I jumped up from the bed feeling anger pulsing through my veins. 'Why the fuck would you do that? If you didn’t want me you should have just said that! I can’t believe you would fucking lie to me!’ I raised my voice, I couldn’t help myself. Karl got up now and put his hands on my shoulders. I almost pushed him away, but for some reason I didn’t.

'Jinkx, it isn’t that I don’t want you. Fuck, I want you almost too much. I’ve wanted you since the first time I laid eyes on you and I want you more and more every time I see you!'

'Why did you lie to me then?’ I wriggled free of his hold and his hands dropped to his sides.

'I don’t really know.’ He bit his lip. 'I guess I panicked. Being someone’s first, there’s a lot of pressure that goes with that Jinkx. Especially when that person had no interest in sex up until not long ago. I honestly never expected you to be ready so when you said you were I freaked out. I’m so sorry, I dealt with this all so badly.’ He hung his head.

'You should have told me that. Do you not think that me of all people would have understood?’

'I just didn’t want you to end up regretting it Jinkx. I didn’t want you to look back on your first time and wish it could have been with someone else. I didn’t want you to rush into it!'

'Rush? Fucking hell if this is rushing I would hate to know what taking things slow was like!’ My voice was still raised a little. Karl looked sadder than I’d ever seen him.

'I didn’t want to become your mistake.’ He sniffed and I thought for a moment he might cry.

'Karl, I spent the first sixteen years of my life basically never thinking about sex. But since I met you, it’s pretty much all I can think about. I’ve spent two years thinking this over, making sure I’m ready and this is what I want. Ok so maybe I’m not completely sure, but can you ever be 100 percent about these things? I’m as sure as I can be that I want you to be my first. Maybe one day I will regret it, who knows? You’re the one that told me there are no guarantees in life. But I don’t want to look back on my life and regret not just going for things. I would rather regret being with you than never giving it a chance. You’re going to college soon Karl, you’re leaving and I’m not going to see you all the time and that kills me. Maybe that’s why I want this so badly, I just want one more amazing memory with you before you’re gone. Who knows what’s going to happen when you’re away, we can’t predict the future. But I want to grab this fucking opportunity with both hands because right now, at this moment in time, I want you Karl. I want you with this white hot passion burning inside of me. I want you to be the one I always remember as my first. I need to be able to hold onto you in that way Karl, so even if life gets in our way, even if we never talk again after you leave, I’ll always have that memory.’ I ranted, words spilling out of my mouth before I could stop them. I felt tears in my eyes. I felt desperate. But I needed Karl, I’d never realised how much until right now. Karl stared at me through those large, beautiful eyes of his for what felt like hours. He ran his fingers through his hair again. And then he practically launched at me. He pushed me into the door and his lips attacked mine with more ferocity than I’ve ever known. He reached behind me and I heard the door click as it locked. I felt my stomach tighten a little, I knew what that meant. I felt more nervous than I ever had before in my whole life but I knew I wanted this. Karl led me back to the bed and gently laid me down. He knelt on the bed looking down at me with a smile on his face. He stripped his t-shirt over his head and tossed it on the floor. My stomach tightened again. He had the perfect body in my eyes but that scared me because I suddenly realised that meant I was going to have to get undressed too. The whole time I’d been contemplating this I’d never once considered that sex equalled getting undressed. Karl’s smile faded a little, he must have seen the fear written all over my face.

'Do you want me to turn out the lights?’ He whispered. Yes I did. But I didn’t want to be pathetic. I didn’t want to be that guy. If I was ready to have sex, I was ready to get undressed in front of someone.

'No.’ I spoke but my voice wavered a little.

'Are you sure? I don’t mind?'

'No, I’ll be fine.’ I tried to insist. I sat up a little and toyed with the hem of my t-shirt with shaking hands. I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes as I pulled the fabric over my head. I kept my eyes closed for a second because I was afraid to see Karl’s facial expression. When I opened them he was smiling at me again.

'You are so fucking beautiful.’ He stroked my cheek and kissed me softly. 'So, so beautiful.’ He spoke into my lips. I felt myself blushing. I think for the first time in my life, hearing Karl say that made me believe it. I pulled him back down on top of me and the feeling of our skin melting together made me moan. I was already hard, so was Karl. I tried to not let myself over think this. It was just sex. Karl was a great guy, he was the ideal guy to have my first time with. His hand wandered down my torso and his fingertips on my skin felt so good I couldn’t even put it into words. He sat back again and unbuttoned his jeans before sliding them down his legs. His erection was very noticeable through the flimsy material of his boxers, in fact looking down my own erection was clear through my tight leggings. He bowed his head and kissed my stomach which made goosebumps rise on my skin. He toyed with my waistband.

'Just take them off.’ I sounded out of breath.

'Are you sure?’

'Yes, just do it.’ I almost said just get it over with but I’m glad I didn’t. Karl nodded and hooked his fingers in my waistband and started pulling down my leggings. He bit his lip when he saw my now even more noticeable erection through my pants.

'These too?’ He asked and I just nodded. I wanted to just get the whole being naked thing out of the way. Trying to ease my nerves he took his own off first and I felt my breath catch in my throat as his dick sprung free. He wasn’t huge, but he wasn’t small either and it made me even more nervous. I swear Karl’s hands were shaking a little as he helped me out of my pants. Laying there naked on the bed with Karl staring down at me made me feel more vulnerable than I’d ever felt before. I saw him lick his lips.

'My god you are perfect Jinkx.’ He whispered and I felt my cheeks burn from embarrassment.

'You don’t have to say that.’ I told him.

'I know I don’t.’ He ran his finger up my chest. 'I want to say it because it’s true.’ He laid back on top of me and kissed me hard, his tongue gliding its way into my mouth. Our dicks rubbed together and I swear to god I have never been so turned on before. Words couldn’t even describe how good this felt. His lips left mine and he kissed down my jaw and onto my neck where he started sucking at my skin making me moan. Then his lips trailed down my collarbones and down my chest. My fingers played with Karl’s soft hair as he got lower still. My heart was hammering in my chest as his lips worked down my stomach and across my hip bones. I had a pretty good idea of where they were going. My eyes fluttered closed and I gasped as his tongue lapped over the head of my cock. I opened my eyes and he looked up at me and smirked a little before wrapping his lips around my shaft. He took my full length in his mouth and I felt myself hit the back of his throat but he didn’t seem to notice. I closed my eyes again and let the feeling of Karl’s lips consume me. He worked my dick so good, I’d never felt this kind of pleasure before, it was a miracle I didn’t come. He sucked and licked and teased me to the point I didn’t think I could even remember my own name. He licked his way up a final time and came off me completely. He stroked my cheek and I was so turned on any insecurities I’d felt had gone out the window. He reached down to the floor and picked up his jeans before pulling a condom and a small bottle of lube from the pocket. I raised my eyebrow at him and he blushed.

'I was hoping I’d see you tonight.’ He shrugged. I was glad he was prepared, imagine getting to this point and finding out he didn’t have those things. He kissed me again and I heard the cap of the lube pop. When he sat back up he coated his fingers in a generous amount of the substance.

'You have to promise to tell me if this hurts. If you want to stop, just say the word and I will ok?’ Karl whispered, stroking my cheek again.

'I promise.’ I told him softly. I swallowed as he spread my legs a little and then gasped at the feeling of his cool fingers outside my hole. He kept his eyes on mine.

'I’m going to be as gentle as I can. If this feels anything other than amazing, just tell me.’ He bowed down and kissed my chest. He used his free hand to link his fingers in mine. Slowly Karl started pushing a single finger inside me. It was cold and oh so bizarre but once my brain adjusted to the idea of the invasion it felt amazing. I bit my lip and nodded at Karl to tell him it was ok. He brought my hand that was entwined with his up to his lips and kissed the back of it. He started cautiously moving the finger in and out at a slow pace. My breathing quickly became heightened at the feeling. Karl was smiling at me sweetly and encouragingly.

'Ok, I’m going to add another.’ He squeezed my hand and I nodded, bracing myself a little. The second finger hurt a little and I groaned. Karl paused. 'Not ok?’

'No, no it’s fine.’ I tried to insist. 'Just getting used to it.'

Karl started moving the fingers and scissoring them gently to try and open me up for what was to come. He spent a little while opening me up while I got myself used to the feeling. Admittedly I was scared at the thought of having anything more than Karl’s fingers inside me but I wanted it so badly. He didn’t take his eyes off me the whole time. Once he’d opened me up what he thought was enough he slowly retracted his fingers and squeezed my hand again. He laid down on top of me, cupping my face and kissing me passionately.

'I think it’s going to be best if you turn over, for your first time it’s a little more comfortable.’

I’m not sure I believed there was a comfortable way to have something inserted into you but I nodded none the less. Karl gently helped me roll over and he kissed over my shoulder blades. He pulled me up so I was on my hands and knees.

'Again, you want to stop, just say the word.’ He spoke into my hair.

'Promise.’ I told him. An odd combination of desperation and fear filled my body. I heard the condom wrapper rip and the sound of it being rolled over Karl’s dick. The cap of the lube popped again and I took a few deep breaths. Karl took hold of my hips gently and then I felt the head of his cock press against me.

'This is going to hurt, I can’t sugar coat that. But it will get easier ok?’ He kissed my back.

'Please Karl, I need this.’ I looked at him over my shoulder and he nodded. He kissed the back of my head and gripped my hips. I heard him exhale and then I felt pain ripple through my body as he slowly pushed inside, just a little.

'Fuck.’ I groaned, digging my nails into the bed sheets.

'Are you ok?’ Karl sounded panicked.

'Uhm…yeah?’ I croaked feeling anything but ok.

'Shall I stop?'

'No, no god please don’t.'

'Ok.’ Karl exhaled again. He pushed inside a little more and I bit my lip to stop myself groaning in pain again. I could take it, I’d be ok. But fuck it burnt, even with the lube there was a lot of friction and my whole body felt like it was screaming, what the fuck are you doing? Stop this right now! I ignored it though. Nothing was going to ruin this. Slowly but surely Karl edged himself all the way in and I felt the burn all throughout my body. He let go of my hips and ran his fingers up my ribs.

'How does that feel?’ He bowed his head and whispered in my ear.

'I just need a second to get used to it.’ I told him. He placed soft kisses on the back of my head.

'Take all the time you need.'

I shuffled around a little, adjusting to the feeling of Karl being inside of me. I took a few deep breaths and slowly the pain started to subside.

'Ok I think I’m good.’ I told him, although I was sure it was bound to hurt again when he started moving. He placed one last kiss in my hair before he took hold of my hips again.

'I’m going to be real gentle.’ He whispered and he cautiously pulled out and slid back inside me again. I groaned but I insisted I was ok. I was desperate to know how this would feel. After a few thrusts my body started getting used to the invasion and although there was still a little pain, the pleasure started to outweigh it. My groans of pain turned into moans as he picked up his pace only a little. Karl was panting and moaning too which I took to be a good thing. The feeling of having him fill me up was like nothing I could have ever imagined. It felt like he fit perfectly inside and with each thrust, a new kind of pleasure washed over me.

'Oh my god that feels amazing.’ I panted. 'But I want to see you.'

Karl kissed the back of my neck.

'You can turn around if you like?’ He stroked my hair and I nodded.

'Please.'

He gently pulled all the way out and turned me so I was on my back. He lifted my legs and put them over his shoulders. He instructed me to arch my back and I did and Karl lined himself up again. He slowly inched in once more and the pain came back but I wanted to power through so I pretended I was fine. After a few thrusts I was ok. Karl held my thighs and I could tell he was really getting into it now because he started thrusting harder and I was ok with that. At this angle he found my prostate and that brought a whole new level of pleasure and I moaned deeply. Karl smiled at me and took my shaft in his hand.

'Are you ok?’ He panted as he started stroking my cock.

'I am more than ok.’ I grabbed his hips and arched my back a little more so he could get all the way inside of me. We moaned in unison and I felt my pre come leaking onto Karl’s hand. He had a faint sheen of sweat on his forehead and he was panting really heavily now.

'Are you close Jinkxy?'

I assumed he was asking because he was.

'Yeah, really close.’ I panted. Karl picked up his pace on his strokes and continued tapping at my prostate. I had never felt such an incredible surge of pleasure as I did when I came in my entire life. My friends were right, why the hell hadn’t I done this sooner? I came harder than I thought possible, all over my stomach and Karl’s hand. He smiled down at me as I was a panting mess beneath him. He thrust into me a few more times and then his face contorted and he moaned, biting down on his bottom lip as he came. He slowly and gently pulled out before stripping off the condom and tossing it Brian’s sisters trash can. He knelt over me and bowed his head. He looked up at me through hooded eyes as in one quick movement he licked the come off my stomach. It made me hiss and goosebumps flared on my sensitive skin. He laid down next to me and pulled me into a tight embrace.

'How do you feel?’ He mumbled into my hair.

'A little sore.’ I admitted. 'But that was…that was…I don’t think there’s a word. Amazing. Incredible. Wonderful.’ I was still panting.

'I know tell me about it.’ Karl chuckled a little. 'I have a confession to make.’

I turned in his arms so I could look at him.

'Yeah?'

Karl bit his lip and nodded.

'In a way that was my first time of sorts. I’ve never topped before.’ He blushed a little and I thought it was so cute.

'Well you could have fooled me.’ I smiled at him and he kissed my lips.

'Jinkx, you said earlier about me going away to college?’ He cupped my face. Oh god I hadn’t realised I’d said that. In my hasty rant I’d inadvertently told Karl I wasn’t going.

'Uhm yeah.'

'You didn’t get in?’ He whispered sadly. I should have told him the truth. I should have told him I had got in I just can’t go. Of all people I should be able to tell Karl. But I didn’t.

'No.’ I shook my head sadly. He stroked my cheek with his thumb.

'Oh Jinkxy, I’m so sorry.’ He looked so sad for me and I felt a little bad. I just wasn’t ready to tell him because I knew he’d try and make me change my mind and I couldn’t do that.

'It’s ok.’

'What are you going to do?'

'I guess I’ll try and reapply next year.’ I lied again.

'I’m going to miss you. I was so looking forward to us going together.’ He kissed me softly again.

'We’ll still talk all the time.’ I told him, trying to make him feel less bad.

'Oh you bet we will.’ He half smiled. I settled back into his chest and he held me tight. God I wish I could go with him, I would miss him so damn much. 'Jinkx, you know how I feel about you right?’ He spoke into my hair.

'What do you mean?’ I whispered. I felt him sigh beneath my head.

'I don’t want to use the word, I know how much you don’t like that word and I don’t want to freak you out. But it’s how I feel ok? I just need you to know that.'

I bit my lip. I knew exactly what he meant. Karl was telling me he loved me. I felt tears brimming in my eyes. What I should have said was, Karl, I love you too. Always have, always will. I didn’t say that though. I’m a coward. Maybe if I’d said it things would have been different. Maybe if he’d known how I really felt then things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did. It would be something that haunted me for years to come. But I didn’t tell Karl I loved him. I didn’t know at the time what was going to happen so I wasn’t to know that what I said next could very well have shaped our future relationship. So instead I simply replied, ’good to know.' What a dumb thing to say. Karl didn’t say anything after that and I didn’t blame him. In my head I thought I had plenty of time to tell him such things. I didn’t think there was a rush and I didn’t want to say it when I wasn’t ready. I wish I had. Years later I’ll still wish I had. I would spend a long time blaming Karl for what happened when really, I was probably always the route of it. But as I laid in Karl’s arms, a little sore yet happier than I’d ever been, I had no idea what was to come.

————————————

We fell asleep in Brian’s sister’s room that night. The next day when everyone was asking where I went I wasn’t going to tell them but my blushing cheeks gave it away. They all patted me on the back and said things along the lines of, fucking finally.

On the Fourth of July Karl took me for a picnic. We laid in the grass and spent all day smoking, eating and exchanging hand jobs under a blanket. I watched the sunset wrapped in Karl’s arms and the more time we spent together the more I realised just how much I was going to miss him. Since meeting him my life had been a whirlwind. He come out of nowhere and completely shaken up my boring little world and things had never been the same since. I’d only started realising recently that since those first few awkward months where I had managed to hurt Karl in some way every time I saw him, nothing like that had happened again. It was as though since meeting Karl the spell of the jinx had been broken. It was kind of spooky, I guess it must have been a coincidence because surely one man couldn’t change that about me? But then again, Karl had changed a lot about me. I don’t know what it was but it was really nice not being the jinx anymore, although the nickname was probably always going to be a thing now.

After the sunset Karl packed the stuff up and went on ahead to the car. When I joined him in the empty parking lot there were two camping chairs set up on the tarmac a little way from the car and Karl had a large grin on his face.

'What have you done?’ I raised an eyebrow at him.

'Well it is the Fourth of July.’ He opened the trunk of the car to show me the insane amount of fireworks packed in the back. I chuckled a little and shook my head.

'You want to be careful, fireworks can be-’ I stopped myself. Just because the jinx seemed to have vanished I didn’t want to risk it. 'Never mind, just be careful.'

'I will.’ He kissed my cheek. 'Take a seat.'

I did as I was told and sat in one of the chairs. Karl emptied the trunk and set the fireworks up a little way across the lot. I held my breath as I watched him fumble a little with the lighter. Call me a pessimist but I didn’t like this. Somehow, and I don’t know how, Karl got all the fireworks lit and suddenly he was running back towards me. He fell into the chair next to me and put his arm around me. Seconds later the sound of the fireworks exploding filled the parking lot and the sky lit up with the beautiful display. I smiled to myself and buried my head into Karl’s shoulder as my eyes pointed skywards. The display didn’t last long as they all went off together in a mass of colours and noises but nonetheless it was amazing. One lone firework continued to spin and spark on the concrete for a little while and I was mesmerised by it. Karl handed me a bottle of cherry cola and I smiled and uncapped it before taking a sip. He did the same with his own.

'As if you’re drinking soda.’ I raised my eyebrow at him.

'Mine has vodka in it too.’ He winked at me. I laughed and rolled my eyes. I pulled a blunt from my pocket and cushioned it between my lips and Karl lit it for me. He put his arm back around my shoulders and I sighed in content.

'Sorry the fireworks didn’t last long.’ He spoke in a hushed tone.

'It’s ok, they were beautiful.’

'You’re beautiful.’ He whispered. I turned in his arms again and he looked so happy as he looked at me. It made me feel all kinds of things. I felt that kind of warm and fuzzy you hear people talk about in movies. He used his free hand to stroke my cheek as I exhaled the smoke from my lips. Then he kissed me. The kiss was slow and fuelled with passion. I swear I felt my whole body tingle.

'We’re going to be ok when I go to college right?’ He asked once he sat back. I bit my lip. That wasn’t a question I had the answer to.

'I hope so.’ Was the best I could really give.

'Me too. I could always put off college for a year? We could get jobs and then you’ll reapply next year and I’m sure you’ll get in. Then we can go together.’

'I can’t ask you to do that.’ I shook my head sadly. This shouldn’t have to be his problem. This was my issue, I didn’t want to drag him into that.

'I don’t mind Jinkx, just say the word and I’ll do it.’ He took the blunt from between my fingers and took a small drag on it. No, there was no way I could stop Karl pursuing his dreams, no matter how much I wanted him to stay with me.

'I can’t.’ I croaked. 'You need to go Karl. And I…I have to stay.'

He exhaled heavily and sniffed. He leant in and kissed my forehead.

'I know.’ He sighed a little. 'I don’t want to think about it. Let’s just make a pact. For the rest of the summer, we don’t think about what’s to come. We just live in the moment, you and me, ok?’ He smiled at me softly and how could I say no to that?

'Sounds good to me.’ I smiled and kissed him gently. He stroked my hair and I settled back onto his shoulder while he smoked the blunt. I stared up at the dark night sky speckled with stars. Karl squeezed my shoulder.

'Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.’ He whispered. I smiled to myself.

'Pride of the Yankees.’

'You’re too good at that.’ Karl chuckled. 'But it’s true, I do.’

'Me too Karl.’ I choked feeling as though I could cry. 'Me too.’

————————————

A few days later we bumped into Naomi down at the pool, and I’m sure you can imagine how well that went. The five of us were just minding our own businesses, Jason, Matt, Ben, Karl and myself. Karl and I had our sun loungers pushed together and had an ear bud each of my disc man while we listened to Def Leppard's Hysteria. Matt was giving Jason a back massage and Ben was texting someone, presumably Robbie. Karl had his sunglasses over his eyes and he drummed his fingers to the track on his bare chest. I kept stealing glances at him out the corner of my eye; he never failed to make me feel like jelly. I’d stopped fighting that feeling now. And maybe it was partly my fault it happened. Maybe there still was a little bit of that jinx inside me because she showed up not long after I’d looked over at Karl and said, ’this is such a nice chilled day.' Even over the music I heard the distinct click-clack of heels heading our way. Karl raised his glasses on top of his head and we removed the ear buds as she headed in our direction. I looked over at Matt who had dropped his hands from Jason’s shoulders. She was scantily clad in a shimmering gold bikini, a big gold necklace and high heels. Her long hair was tied back into a high pony tail. Jason was clenching his jaw, I didn’t want to know how this was going to play out.

'Matt, hi.’ She smiled at him waving her long false nails in his direction. Matt bit his lip.

'Hey Naomi. How’s college?'

'It’s great!’ She screeched a little and I pulled a face. 'It’s nice to be back though. I missed you.’ We all knew she was doing this on purpose. She’d taken great pleasure in Jason finding out she’d slept with Matt.

'Uhm yeah.’ Matt scratched the back of his head.

'Did you hear about Katya?’ She was ignoring the rest of us were even here.

'I heard rumours. Is it true?’ Matt perked up a little, he loved drama and gossip.

'Oh yeah.’ Naomi giggled. 'You’re weirdo friend got her up the duff.’

'Brian is not a weirdo.’ Jason scoffed. I knew it would only be a matter of time before he said something.

'Whatever, no one asked you.’ Naomi rolled her eyes. 'Apparently her parents went crazy, they want your friend to marry her or some shit. She’s leaving college.'

'Fuck.’ Matt gasped a little. 'Poor Bri.’

'Poor Bri?’ Naomi scoffed. 'Poor Katya! She has to have that weirdo’s baby!’

'Stop calling him a weirdo!’ Jason stood up now. I held my breath.

'Well if he’d used a condom she might not be in this predicament.’ Naomi folded her arms.

'Contraception is both of their responsibilities. If she’s dumb enough not to question it then it’s just as much as her own fault as it is his.’ Jason folded his arms too as if to mimic her. 'But then again maybe she doesn’t get around as much as you and doesn’t realise quite how important condoms are. Good job Matt used one with you, god knows how many diseases you have.'

'Oh still bitter about that sweetie?’ Naomi raised an eyebrow at him.

'At least I’m the one he ended up with.’ Jason clenched his jaw again. 'You were a stupid mistake. And then he came running back to me when he came to his senses.’

'Don’t flatter yourself honey. He was alright but you’re welcome to him.’

'Hey, hey now.’ Matt stood up now too. Ben, Karl and I were enthralled. 'Look do we have to do this? Naomi and I were a one-time thing, Jason we’ve discussed this. And Naomi, please stop trying to wind my boyfriend up.'

'I can’t believe you would even go there! She’s such a whore!’ Jason sounded annoyed but his eyes looked so sad. I’d never seen him look that way.

'Jason, come on. I thought you were over this?’ Matt reached and squeezed his shoulder. Jason stepped back out of his reach.

'Well clearly I’m not.’ He sniffed. 'I can’t fucking do this. I’m never going to be ok with this.’ He pushed passed Matt and grabbed his stuff from the floor. 'Karl, take me home?'

Karl looked at me and I shrugged before he looked back at Jason.

'Sure.’ Karl sat up and pulled his t-shirt and shoes on. I put my own shoes on and packed up my stuff.

'Jason, don’t do this.’ Matt watched us get our stuff together. Jason didn’t look at him.

'Come on Jay.’ I motioned for him to follow us. He sniffed and wiped his nose on the back of his hand. He nodded and started following us towards the parking lot.

'Jason!’ Matt called after him. 'Jason for fuck sakes come back and talk to me!'

Jason ignored him. Karl and I got in the front of his car while Jason got in the back. He was silent the whole drive back to his house. I’d never heard him this quiet. Normally when he was angry at Matt he would rant and rant about what an idiot he was. His silence frightened me. Karl pulled up outside Jason’s house and I turned to look at him.

'Want us to come in?’ I asked him. He bit his lip and shook his head.

'No it’s ok.’ He croaked. 'Still on for Danny’s tonight?’

'You still want to go?’ I asked him.

'Durh.’ Jason pulled a face, sounding a little more like himself. 'I’m not letting that asshole ruin my summer.’

'Ok sure.’ I turned to Karl. 'We can pick him up right?’

'Course. Around nine?’ He looked over at Jason.

'See you then.’ Jason grabbed his stuff and opened the car door.

'Call if you need anything.’ I told him as he was getting out.

'Thanks Jinxky.’ He smiled softly at me and then he closed the door and solemnly headed towards his house.

————————————

We went straight back to Karl’s aunts house, she was at work so we had the place to ourselves. We hadn’t had sex again since the first time but judging by the way Karl was looking at me, that was about to change.

'Empty house.’ He raised his eyebrows at me and came closer to me. 'What to do, what to do?’ He pinned me into the wall and kissed me. I wrapped my arms tightly around him. He lifted me off my feet and I instinctively held his waist with my legs. He carried me up the stairs and laid me down on his bed. His t-shirt was gone in an instant and then he climbed on top of me. Clothes became fewer, I still didn’t love being naked in front of him but it was getting easier. He was knelt over me stroking my dick and I was panting and sweating already. He bowed his head and kissed me as he pumped me. He nibbled on my bottom lip and I moaned into his mouth. He smirked, he loved that he could turn me into such a mess. Just then my phone started to ring and I groaned in frustration.

'Don’t answer it.’ Karl spoke into my lips.

'I have to, it might be Jason.’ I wriggled a little in the bed and grabbed my phone from where it had been tossed on the floor.

'Hello?’ I groaned again.

'I can’t get hold of Jason. Is he with you?’ Matt’s panicked voice came down the phone.

'No he’s at home. But he’s pretty upset so maybe just - oh God.’ I moaned the last part of the sentence as Karl was now between my legs lapping at my hole with his tongue. I tugged his hair.

'What the hell are you doing?’ Matt asked.

'Nothing. Just give him some - fuuuuuuck.'

'Ohhhh gross you’re with Karl.’ Matt grimaced. 'Why the fuck would you answer the phone while you’re fucking?’

'We’re not fucking we’re - Jesus fucking Christ Karl!’ I was panting and I tugged his hair again trying to make him stop. He sat up with a smirk on his face and grabbed the phone from my hand.

'Dude I’m trying to get my rocks off here. Jinkx will talk to you later.’ Karl spoke into the phone and then hung up and tossed the phone on the bed. 'Right now we’ve got rid of him, where was I?’ He smirked again and in seconds he was between my legs once more. His tongue glided into my hole and I couldn’t hold back my scream. I gripped Karl’s hair again, a complete mess. He worked me with his tongue until I could barely take anymore. He sat up and kissed me, stroking my already sweat dampened hair off my face. And then my phone rang again. This time Karl groaned.

'Jesus Christ.’ He sighed and before I could grab my phone Karl had already got it.

'Sorry Jinkx can’t come to the phone right now, he’s about to have a dick in his ass. Call back later.’ Karl spoke in an answer machine type of voice and then hung up.

'Who was it?’ I felt mortified.

'Who cares?’ Karl chuckled and leant over to the bedside table grabbing a condom and some lube.

'What if it was my dad? You know he doesn’t know I’m gay.'

'Well if it was, I kind of just outed you.’ Karl smirked and rolled the condom over his cock. He coated some lube on and the sight was enough to make me not care if it was my dad. He put my legs on his shoulders and lined himself up. The phone started ringing again. Karl groaned and fell back to the bed.

'I quit.’ He sighed. I gave him an apologetic look and answered the phone.

'Hello?'

'What the fuck was that?’ Jason asked. 'Why is Karl answering your phone?'

At least it wasn’t my dad.

'Did you not hear him? We’re kind of in the middle of something here.'

'No we’re not.’ Karl grumbled loud enough for Jason to hear. 'You and your boyfriend are massive boner killers.'

'What’s up Jason?’ I asked him trying to ignore Karl.

'I need help picking an outfit for tonight.’

'And you called me?’ I frowned. 'Ever since I’ve known you you’ve gone on about how bad my fashion sense is.'

'But Ben’s off with Robbie and I’m not talking to Matt. And Karl’s fashion sense isn't terrible.' God he must really be desperate.

'Fine.’ I sighed. 'We’ll be over soon.'

'Thanks Jinkx!’ He chirruped and hung up the phone. Karl was stripping off the condom when I put the phone down.

'You’re friends are cock blocks.’ He grumbled. I kissed him and stroked back his hair.

'I’m sorry.'

'Yeah well, you can make it up to me later.’ Karl smirked. 'And you will be turning that damn phone off.'

'Anything you want.’ I kissed him again.

'We have to make sure they don’t break up. If they do they’ll never leave us alone. I will keep them together if it’s the last thing I do.’ Karl got up from the bed and started getting dressed again.

'Yeah, I don’t think I like the sound of Matt and Jason breaking up. They need to stay together so they can bug each other not me.’ I got up and started getting dressed too. Karl came over to be and kissed me.

'We’ll be like modern day cupids.’ He chuckled.

'Yeah sure.’ I laughed. 'Anything to stop them bugging us.’

——————————��—

Helping Jason pick an outfit basically consisted of Karl and I sitting on his bed being shown one gaudy outfit after another.

'What about this one?’ He pulled another shirt from his closet, this one was lilac with large red and yellow patterns swirling all over it. I pulled a face.

'It’s surprisingly not as bad as the last one.’ Karl sighed. 'But it’s still hideous. You are aware your clothes are hideous right?’

Jason gasped. He had already decided on wearing a tighter than tight pair of glittery jeans that we were unable to talk him out of.

'Hideous?’ Jason sounded exasperated. 'This is designer! It cost me a fortune!'

'It’s still hideous. Do you not have anything…plainer?’ Karl asked trying to put it as delicately as possible.

'Plainer?’ Jason scoffed. 'I’m not Jinkx.'

'Hey.’ I frowned. 'Do you want our help or not?'

Jason rolled his eyes and hung the shirt back up. He rummaged through his closet again before he came across something else. He pulled the shirt excitedly from the closet and held it up to us. This one was bright red with blue zig zags across it. I swear to god you needed sunglasses to look at Jason’s clothes without being blinded.

'What about this one?’ He beamed. Karl and I exchanged a look. It was just as bad as all the others he’d shown us but we were so bored at this point.

'Looks great.’ Karl lied.

'Yeah, that’s the one.’ I agreed. We just wanted this ordeal to be over.

Finally when Jason had agreed to wear the zig zag shirt we were able to leave. We headed out the house to find another car parked in front of Karl’s. Jason groaned and Karl and I sighed.

'What the fuck do you want?’ Jason put his hand on his hip. Matt was leaning out the driver’s window smoking. I could see Ben in the passenger’s seat.

'Giving you a ride to Danny’s party.'

'I have a ride.’ Jason sassily tossed his hair over his shoulder.

'Jason just get in the car.'

'No thanks. I’d rather ride with someone who hasn’t fucked slutty Smalls.’ He turned to look at Karl over his shoulder. 'You haven’t fucked her, have you?’

Karl pulled a face.

'Urgh don’t even. Just the thought of a vagina makes me feel sick.’ Karl grimaced and I had to stem my laughter.

'Well that’s settled them. I’m going with these guys.’

'Jason come on.’ Matt flicked his cigarette on the pavement.

'No. I don’t want to be around you.’ Jason bit his lip and his sassy facade crumbled a little.

'Jason what is this? Is this a fight or are you breaking up with me?’ Matt bit his lip too. Jason swallowed, clearly thinking this through. I looked at Karl and pulled a face. Please just be a fight, please god.

'I’m breaking up with you.’ Jason said with as much confidence as he could muster. 'I told you, I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to really forgive you for this.'

'Jason,’ Matt opened the door and stepped out the car. 'Don’t say that. You don’t mean that.’

'Yes, I do.’ He folded his arms. 'Now if you don’t mind, my friends and I are going to Danny’s.’

'Your friends?’ Matt scoffed. 'Screw you, Jinkx is my friend.’

'Uhm Jinkx is every body’s friend.’ I spoke up. They ignored me.

'You can keep Ben. Jinkx is with me.’ Jason told him sternly.

'We aren’t kids and this isn’t a divorce.’ Ben leant over in his seat and stuck his head out the window.

'Shut up.’ Matt scalded him. 'Fine, I don’t need Jinkx.'

I wanted to say something but I knew it would just fall on deaf ears. I was a little offended, Matt and I had always been closer than I had been with Jason.

'Your outfit looks like you got dressed in the dark by the way.’ Matt smirked at Jason and then headed back to his car. Jason gasped and turned to me and Karl.

'You said it looked good!’

'It looks fine, Matt’s just trying to get a rise out of you.’ I told him.

'At least my friend is honest with me!’ Matt called from the car and then he sped off. Jason’s bottom lip quivered and I thought he was going to cry and I couldn’t deal with that.

'Are you sure you want to go to the party?’ Karl asked him.

'Yes of course I do.’ Jason suddenly sniffed and frowned.

'But Matt’s going.’ I reminded him.

'Yeah, wouldn’t you rather stay home? Have a nice hot bath or something?’ Karl was clearly trying to get rid of him so we could pick back up where we left off earlier.

'No way.’ Jason scoffed. 'I’m not letting that asshole ruin my night. Besides there will be loads of hot guys there and I’m looking for a rebound. Let’s go.’ He turned on his heels and sauntered to the car. Karl looked at me and I shrugged.

'We have to get them back together. As soon as fucking possible.’ He told me, slinging his arm around my shoulders.

'Agreed.’ I let him lead me to the car.

'The sooner he’s back with Matt the sooner I can get you back into bed.’ Karl smirked at me and I giggled a little. He had that strange effect on me. I have no idea what’s happened to me.

————————————

We were divided at the party with Jason, Karl and I on one side and Matt and Ben on the other. It was awkward to say the least. Jason was hitting on every man with a pulse deliberately right in front of Matt. At one point he’d tried to make me dance with him but I’d told him I wasn’t being a pawn in his games. When he was distracted I snuck off to talk to Matt. That was my job in the 'get Matt and Jason back together plan’. I took Matt and Karl took Jason.

I smiled at Matt as I approached but Matt looked away from me.

'Hi.’ I said to him even though he was trying to ignore me.

'What?’ He dragged his blunt.

'I just came to say hi.'

'I don’t think that’s allowed. You ought to check Jason’s terms and conditions.'

'Matt don’t be like this. We are eighteen years old, no one can tell me who I can and can’t be friends with.'

Matt finally looked at me.

'He’s being pathetic.’ He told me, like I didn’t already know that.

'Yeah tell me about it.’ I took the blunt from his hand and dragged on it. 'But come on Matt, Naomi? You know how much Jason hates her. You must have known it would piss him off.'

'I didn’t think he’d get this bent out of shape about it. He’s over reacting right?’ Matt was pleading with his eyes. I really didn’t want to take sides.

'I mean I guess you were in an open relationship at the time and I guess that makes it ok. But still you know he hates Naomi.'

'Because he doesn’t know her! I’ve known Naomi since we were kids, she’s really sweet.'

'Sweet?’ I pulled a face.

'Ok she doesn’t give off that vibe but she is. And fucking hell she’s so hot Jinkx.’ Matt smiled a little.

'I don’t get it though. I thought you were gay?’ I dragged on the blunt one last time before handing it back to Matt.

'I always kind of considered myself to be bisexual. I think because I’m with Jason people just assume I’m gay. I prefer men but I still like girls.’ He shrugged. I guess I’d never asked him that before.

'I think you and Jason need to talk. And making dumb comments about his outfit isn’t what I mean by talking. You two are perfect together.’ Ok so I wasn’t sure I entirely believed that. Most of the time they were but there were times when they were a complete mess together.

'He’s too stubborn.’ Matt sighed.

'Tell me something I don’t know.’ I chuckled.

'Hey!’ Jason’s angry voice carried over the crowds and suddenly he was heading our way. 'Jinkx is my friend asshole.’ He grabbed my arm and started tugging me away from Matt. 'Jinkx what the fuck?'

'Get off me.’ I shook him off my arm. 'If you two want to fight that’s fine but don’t drag me into this. I will be friends with who I want to be friends with.'

'Oh fuck you then.’ Jason spat and turned on his heels. 'Karl, dance with me.’ He grabbed Karl but Karl shook his head.

'Nuh uh.’ Karl stepped backwards. 'Stop being such a whiny bitch and talk to Matt! My god so he fucked Naomi? Big fucking deal! You are such a drama queen.’ Karl rolled his eyes. Jason momentarily looked hurt by Karl’s words but it soon faded and suddenly he slapped Karl around the face. There was a lot of shocked gasps in the room, I hadn’t realised we caused a scene until then. Something snapped in me then. I wasn’t one to speak out of turn or draw more attention to myself than was necessary but that pissed me off. I grabbed Jason by the shoulder and spun him around. It was then I realised he was wasted and judging by the size of his pupils he’d been doing more than drinking.

'You lay a finger on him again and you will fucking regret it.’ I spoke, clenching my jaw. I wasn’t sure I’d ever been so angry before.

'What the fuck?’ Jason shoved me. 'You’re taking his side?’

'Yes!’ I yelled. 'Yes I am! I would take anyone’s side over yours!'

'Fuck you.’ Jason spat at me. 'And fuck you.’ He pointed at Karl. 'And you and you.’ He looked at Matt and Ben. 'Fuck the fucking lot of you!’ He screamed. I shook my head in disgust and walked to Karl’s side.

'I always thought Matt was too good for you.’ I told Jason and then I took hold of Karl’s hand and led him towards the door. When we were outside I turned to him.

'Are you ok?’ I stroked his cheek, it was red from Jason’s slap.

'Yeah I’m fine.’ He half-smiled. 'I like angry Jinkx.’ His eyes sparkled a little as he said that.

'I don’t.’ I laughed a little.

'Jason had that coming. Don’t worry about him.’ He cupped my face and kissed me softly. 'Now, I believe we have some unfinished business to attend to?’ His eyes sparkled again and he smirked.

'Oh yeah?’ I raised my eyebrow.

'Oh yeah.’ Karl kissed me again. 'You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how.'

'Gone with the Wind.’ I spoke into his lips. 'Can you not at least try and make them hard?’

'Oh I’m going to make something hard alright.’ He kissed me again and slapped my ass before grabbing my hand. We ran giggling towards the car like a couple of teenagers in love. I suppose that’s exactly what we were.

————————————

With Karl’s head between my legs sucking my dick, you’d think I’d been thinking of anything but my friends. I tried to shut my mind off to it and just enjoy this but my head wasn’t in it. Karl looked up at me with a slight frown and the he came off my dick, wiping the back of his hand over his mouth.

'Am I doing something wrong?’ He asked and I sighed.

'No, not at all.’

'What is it then?’ He stroked my thigh.

'I can’t stop thinking about Jason.’

'Charming.’ Karl pulled a face.

'Not like that.’ I chuckled. I pulled him close and kissed him. 'I’m worried about him, I’ve never seen him like that before.'

Karl sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

'Your friends and their damn cock blocking.’ He kissed my forehead. 'Come on then, let’s go find him.’

'Are you sure?’ My face brightened.

'Yeah, I don’t suppose I’m going to be able to fuck you until we do.’ He winked at me and I slapped his arm. He helped me up from the bed and we got back into our clothes.

'Thank you, you really are the best.’ I kissed his cheek.

'The best at not getting laid?’ He laughed and I slapped him again.

'Your kindness will be rewarded.’ I pulled my boots on and looked at him in what I hoped was a seductive manner.

'Blow job?’ He smirked which made me laugh.

'If you’re lucky.’ I smirked back. He grabbed me by the waist, dipped me and kissed me hard like they do in all the old movies. And inside I swooned a little like I’m sure they do in the movies too.

We pulled back up outside Danny’s just as Ben and Robbie were leaving. They’d been holding hands but Ben quickly let go of Robbie when he saw me jump out the car. Who was he trying to kid? As if everyone didn’t already know.

'Is Jason still in there?’ I dashed up the front path towards them.

'No he fucked off right after his meltdown.’ Ben told me.

'He’s not answering his phone.’ I ran my fingers through my hair.

'Why do you care? He was an asshole.’ Ben scoffed.

'Because he’s our friend.’ I frowned, did I really need to tell him that?

'Not according to him. You’re too nice for your own good.'

'Maybe so, but I need to make sure he’s ok.’ I turned back to the car where Karl was stood awkwardly on the kerb.

'I guess we’re going to his house.’ Karl sighed and motioned me back towards the car.

'Looks that way.’ I kissed his cheek as I got close. 'See you guys.’ I called back mostly to Ben. And then we got back in the car to continue our search for Jason.

His mom was wearing a robe and looked half asleep when she finally answered the door. I hadn’t realised how late it was.

'Hi Mrs Dardo, sorry to bother you but is Jason here?’ I stood on the doorstep nervously with Karl at my side. She looked between us.

'How should I know, that boy comes and goes like the wind.’ She stifled a yawn. 'If he is he’ll be in his room.’ She held the door open for us and we cautiously entered. She padded back upstairs and back into her room. Karl and I tiptoed up the stairs and along the corridor to the room I knew belonged to Jason. There was a light emanating from under the door and scarily the muffled sounds of crying.

'Oh shit.’ I whispered. 'I think he’s crying.’ I'd never seen Jason cry. I didn’t think he had it in him. Karl sighed and rolled his eyes.

'I’ll go wait in the car.'

'You’re the best.’ I kissed his cheek again.

'Yeah yeah.’ He squeezed my side and then he quietly turned to leave. I took a few deep breaths. I had no idea how I was going to approach this. I’m not the kind of person you would want around when you were upset; I am not the comforting type. But this was going to be even weirder considering Jason wasn’t the kind of guy I ever expected to be comforting. I gently knocked on the door, scared of what I was going to find on the other side. I heard a few sniffs followed by Jason’s croaky voice.

'What?’ He grumbled.

'Uh Jason, it’s me, Jinkx. Can I come in?'

I heard some more sniffs.

'If you have to.’ He sighed. I cautiously opened the door and Jason had a smile plastered across his face. I have no idea how he did it. But his eyes were blood shot and I knew that wasn’t from whatever drugs he’d been taking.

'What’s up?’ He asked me, trying to sound as happy as possible. I walked further into the room and sat down next to him on the bed.

'You were crying.’ I didn’t know what else to say.

'No I wasn’t.’ He scoffed.

'Jason, I heard you. And I get it, you’re allowed to be upset.’ I put my hand on his shoulder but he immediately pushed me away.

'Well thank you for your permission, but I’m just fine.’ He pushed himself up from the bed and went and sat at his dressing table. He started brushing his hair.

'Clearly you aren’t. I’m your friend, you can talk to me you know? I know all this stuff with Matt must be really hard.’ I saw his shoulders stiffen at the mention of his name. He froze mid-brush. I watched his reflection for what was to come. And then it happened. His bottom lip started quivering and then as if from nowhere floods of tears fell from his eyes.

'I just…I just…’ he started to sob and he came back over to the bed and fell into my arms. 'I love him so much!’ Jason buried his head into my chest and he cried. I wrapped my arms around him. I felt extremely uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to say; I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. So I just let Jason get it all out of his system while I held him. After some time he sat back and wiped his eyes on his sleeve and exhaled heavily.

'He’s the best thing that ever happened to me Jinkx.’ He sniffed. 'But I just don’t think I can forgive him for fucking Naomi. It physically makes me feel sick thinking about it.'

'Because it’s Naomi or because she’s a girl?’ I asked him.

'A little a both.’ He ran his fingers through his hair. 'Mostly because it’s Naomi. I just hate her so, so much. Why would he do this to me?'

'Why do you hate her so much? I mean yeah she’s a bit of a bitch but, there’s more to it than that isn’t there?’ I could tell by the way Jason spoke about her that there was something he wasn’t telling me. I’m not sure I’d ever really noticed it before but I could see it in his eyes right now.

'She’s just a bitch.’ He shook his head, looking away from me.

'You wouldn’t break up with Matt if she was just a bitch. Why do you hate her so much? What has she done?’ I put my hand on Jason’s shoulder and he turned back to look at me. I could see a fresh batch of tears behind his eyes just waiting to escape.

'She made my life a misery.’ He bit his lip and sniffed again.

'What do you mean?'

'Matt doesn’t know about this.’ Jason told me, I guessed that meant this was to stay between us.

'I’m not going to tell him.’ I let go of Jason’s shoulder and he heaved a sigh.

'I’ve known Naomi since we were kids. I haven’t always been this way you know? Confident and outgoing. When I was younger, I was a lot like you.’ He shrugged. 'I was shy and quiet and I kept to myself. I used to dress all in black and I was a bit of a loner. For some reason Naomi saw me as an easy target. She would have her football played boyfriends trip me in the corridors and pull pranks on me. She was always calling me that loser faggot and other such horrible names. She pretends like she doesn’t remember me, but she does. She was so fucking nasty to me, I used to dread going into school every day. I guess that’s kind of why I am the way I am now. I got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I started stealing money off my dad to buy nice clothes and I forced myself to come out of my shell and start acting more confident. She stared leaving me alone after that but I’ll never forget the things she said to me. I just hate that Matt can’t see the real her. It kills me to think he could have been with someone like that.'

I’d had no idea. Of course Naomi wasn’t my favourite person in the world but I never expected that of her. I also struggled to imagine Jason being quiet and shy but I didn’t mention that.

'Wow.’ I whispered. 'Why did you never tell Matt?’

'He never noticed me back then. I don’t want him to know that side of me. He likes me because I’m sassy and outgoing. I worry that if he knew that about me…maybe…’ he sniffed and bit his lip. I put my hand on his knee.

'You don’t seriously think he wouldn’t love because of that, do you?'

Jason shrugged sadly.

'I don’t know. I just don’t want him to know that side of me.’

'But if he knew he might understand why you’re so mad about the Naomi thing.'

'It’s too late now. He’s fucked her and nothing is going to change that.’ He put his head in his hands. I stroked his back.

'Do you not think you can work this out?'

'I used to think Matt and I could overcome anything.’ He looked back up at me, the unshed tears still behind his eyes. 'Now I’m not so sure.’ His lip quivered again and then all at once his tears overflowed again. 'I really think this is it for us.'

I held him once more while he cried. I hated seeing him like this. The boy I’d always thought was so strong and brave, in a way I’d always kind of looked up to him for that. But it was nice to see that even the strongest of people could be vulnerable. I knew it was going to be a bumpy road for Jason, but I had no doubt he would come through the other side. I had to believe that. Because if someone like Jason couldn’t handle losing someone he loved, what chance did I have when Karl left for college?

By the time Jason had calmed down and I got back to the car, Karl was asleep in the driver’s seat. I gently shook his shoulder and he startled awake.

'Hey.’ I whispered. He blinked a few times, rubbing his eyes.

'Christ how long were you in there?’ He grumbled a little.

'A while. Sorry, Jason was really upset.’

Karl shrugged and buckled himself in. He didn’t say another word.

I was a little surprised when he pulled up outside my house because I assumed I was coming back to his. He stopped the car and I turned to look at him.

'I thought I was coming back to yours?’ I frowned a little. Karl sighed and turned to me.

'I’m too tired now Jinkx.'

'We could have just slept.’ I scratched the back of my head.

'I think its best you stay here tonight.'

'You’re mad at me.’ I could tell. I’d spent enough time with Karl to know his moods. He sighed a little.

'Maybe.’ He shrugged.

'Why?'

'I don’t know.’ He shook his head but his eyes said he did know.

'Yes you do. It’s because of my friends isn’t it?'

'It just frustrates me that they can click their fingers and you go running. I feel like they are your priority.'

'They are.’ I frowned. Of course they were, they were my best friends.

'Oh. Super.’ Karl rolled his eyes.

'What did you expect Karl? I’ve known those guys a really long time. If they need me, of course I’m going to be there for them.’

'Bros before ho’s and all that.’ Karl scoffed and turned his attention back out the windscreen.

'No one called you a ho.'

'I get it, its fine. I’m second best.'

'Karl, seriously? First Matt and Jason try and make me choose sides, please don’t tell me you’re trying to do the same.’ I couldn’t believe what was happening. I couldn’t believe Karl would even say these things.

'I think you should go.’ Karl told me without looking at me.

'But Karl I don’t under-’

'Please Jinkx. I think it’s better this way.'

I took a few deep breaths, feelings of sadness and anger both washing over me. I didn’t want to feel either of those things.

'Fine.’ I spat and I flung open the car door and got out before slamming it behind me. I watched Karl drive away from my front porch. What was happening to my life? This summer was supposed to be the best one yet. Everyone was going away soon, everyone was going to be leaving me. I needed one more summer, one perfect summer. It looks like I wasn’t going to get that though. And as I let myself into my house and tiptoed passed my dad who was passed out with a bottle of whiskey in his hand, I couldn’t help but think this was all my fault. I jinxed everything in my life. Maybe everyone was better off without me.

————————————

Looking back on last night now as I stood in the hospital room, bright fluorescent lights almost blinding me, it was probably a good thing Karl had dropped me home. It wasn’t until later last night when I’d come back downstairs to get a glass of water that I discovered my father wasn’t breathing. I’d called an ambulance and it had been a long night of him having his stomach pumped and the doctors trying to keep him alive. Apparently he’d taken a load of pills. The doctors kept throwing about the word overdose so casually it made me feel sick. It had been eight fucking years. Eight years and my dad was still just as big of mess as he had been when she left. It wasn’t his first suicide attempt and I didn’t think it would be his last. Now I had just had to wait here until he woke up. Assuming he would wake up.

Karl had called several times today but I hadn’t gotten around to answering. Every time he called I’d been talking to a doctor or just taking a breather from it all. My phone rang again and I sighed quietly leaving my father’s hospital room and heading out into the waiting area.

'Hello?’ I sighed again as I answered.

'Hey.’ Karl sounded guilt ridden. Clearly he felt bad for the way he’d acted last night but I had other things on my mind. 'Look Jinkx, I’m really, really sorry for last night. I was an ass and I shouldn’t have acted that way. Can you forgive me?'

'Sure.’ I ran my fingers through my hair. If I’m honest I wasn’t really listening.

'What’s up? Are you still mad at me?'

'I don’t know.’ I didn’t want to be having this conversation right now. 'It’s not a good time.’

'Why? What’s going on?’ He sounded worried.

'I’m in the hospital.’ My mind was so hazy I didn’t realise how bad that could have sounded until Karl started to panic.

'What? Why? Are you ok? Oh my god what happened?’

'I’m fine.’ I sighed again. 'It’s my dad. He’s overdosed.’ I don’t know how I managed to say that out loud so casually. Karl gasped.

'Oh my god, I’ll be right there.'

'No, no it’s fine.'

'I’m coming to see you.'

'Karl honestly it’s fine.’

'I’m coming. That’s the end of it.’ He insisted and I couldn’t be bothered to stand here arguing with him.

'Ok fine.'

'I’ll see you soon.’

'Sure.’ I said and then I hung up. I trailed back to my dad’s room and fell into the chair next to his bed. He was in a coma, no one knew when or if he would wake up. Since I’d found him, I hadn’t felt much of anything. It was like finding out my mom left all over again; I just shutdown. I knew now as I sat in that hospital more so than before that there was no way I could go away for college. As long as this man in this bed stayed alive I was resided to being his carer. A part of me hated him for that. A really horrible part of me wished he wouldn’t wake up because my life would be so much easier if he didn’t. But that thought made me feel bad because despite everything, I do love my dad. I just hope that maybe he’ll get help this time. I won’t hold my breath.

————————————

I don’t know how long I was sat there for when there was a gentle tap at the door. I looked up and I saw Karl’s face through the glass. I heaved myself up from the chair and exited the room. As soon I was outside, Karl was engulfing me in a tight hug.

'How are you?’ He spoke into my neck.

'I don’t know. Ok I guess.’ I pulled out of the hug and Karl scrutinised me.

'You don’t have to pretend Jinkx, it’s me.'

'I’m not pretending, I honestly don’t know how I feel.’ I folded my arms across my chest. Honestly, I could have done without Karl being here. I know that sounds bad but I am terrible at dealing with things like this. My gut reaction is to just shut down and having Karl here he would probably try and make me talk about or comfort me. Most people would probably like that. I dealt with things better alone. I didn’t really relish the idea of him seeing this side of me either. When I went into shutdown mode it was best if people just left me alone. I can be particularly dark and hard to engage with. It’s not a side of myself a like, not that there are many sides of myself I do like. I trailed back into the room with Karl following behind me. I took my seat back next to my father’s bedside and Karl sat in the chair next to me. He put his hand on top of mine.

'Have you called the guys?’ He whispered.

'No.'

'How comes?'

'Because I haven’t.’ I pulled my hand out from under his and folded my arms again.

'Do you want me to?’

'No.’ My voice was completely monotone.

'Ok.’ Karl conceded, clearly sensing he was annoying me. 'I’m sorry about last night Jinkxy, really I am.’

'I know.'

'Jinkx, can you look at me?'

I turned to look at him.

'Better?’ I raised an eyebrow.

'I was just trying to say sorry.’

'Do I look like I care right now?’ I didn’t have much control over my words when I was in these moods. My brain got hazy and words just came out. Karl looked a little hurt. 'Why are you even here?’

'Because I care about you.’ He bit his lip.

'I didn’t ask you to come.’ I turned back away from him.

'I know.’ Karl sniffed. 'I just…I just thought you might need me.'

'Well I don’t.’ I stared at the side of my dad’s face. I was searching for some kind of tic or something that might indicate he was waking up. I got nothing.

'Clearly.’ Karl sniffed again. 'I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to be here for you.’

'Whatever.'

I heard Karl sigh and then I saw him fold his own arms out the corner of my eye. He didn’t say anything more after that. I don’t think he was that stupid.

————————————

I spent several days sitting vigil by my father’s bedside. Karl came and went, he would stay all day by my side and go home to sleep only to come straight back the next day. If I wasn’t in shutdown mode I would have been grateful. When I looked back on this I would wish I had told him how much his presence had meant to me. I probably wouldn’t have gotten through it without him but I never told him that.

On the fourth day, my dad woke up. Karl was stood behind me rubbing my shoulders even though I wished he wasn’t. I just couldn’t be bothered to tell him to stop. I was still staring at the same place on my father’s alcohol haggard face when I saw his eye flutter a little.

'Oh fuck.’ I shot up from the chair. 'He moved. Dad?’ I went over to the bed and put my icy cold hands on his arm. Karl was at my side and he put his arm around me. I immediately pushed him away. I didn’t look to see his reaction. I didn’t need the first thing my dad saw when he woke up to be his son being comforted by another man.

'Go and get a doctor.’ I told him as I shoved him. 'Dad? Dad can you hear me? I squeezed his arm. I heard the door open so I assumed Karl had listened to me. I saw his eyes flutter again and I squeezed him tighter so he knew I was there. Seeing him move had unearthed a desperation inside of me I didn’t know I possessed. I’d thought I would be ok if my dad didn’t wake up but now I’d seen him move I needed him to wake up. I guess I’d resided myself to the idea he wasn’t going to wake up. I thought, surely this had to be it this time, I was sure his body couldn’t take anymore. I’d spent the last few days thinking of all the stuff I would have to take care of if he died. My mental list included the likes of:

What happens to the house? Does dad have a will?

Do I have to try and find mom? Would she want to know?

How the hell do you plan a funeral? Isn’t that shit expensive?

Would it be too late to call the college in New York and tell them I still wanted that place?

That’s kind of the gist of it. Ever the sensible, rational one, that’s Jinkx. His eyes fluttered again. I had another mental list that just consisted of one item, the list of what happened if dad woke up.

How the hell do I stop this happening again?

It wasn’t the first time I’d had that thought. I think we’re on overdose number four now. If you think about it, four in eight years isn’t that bad, right? Of course I’m not delusional, I know this is bad but sometimes it’s just easier pretending. Dad’s eyes opened properly just as the door opened again and the doctor stepped in the room. He moved me away from his bedside so he could get there.

'Mr Hoffer? Mr Hoffer, can you hear me?'

'Jerick? Where’s Jerick? Where’s my son?’ His voice was groggy and croaky, I’d expected that.

'I’m right here dad.’ I moved a little so he could see me. He reached for me but I was too far away.

'Jerick! Jerick my boy.'

'Mr Hoffer, do you know where you are?’ The doctor asked him and he started looking around the room, his brows furrowing heavily.

'The hospital?’ He asked looking back at the doctor.

'That’s right. You took a lot of pills Mr Hoffer, you had to have your stomach pumped.'

'Where’s Jerick, let me see my boy.’ He ignored the doctor. The doctor stepped aside and let me near the bed. I came close and as soon as I was in reach he grabbed my arm, holding me firmly.

'I love you son.’ He had tears in his eyes. 'Sometimes I just don’t know how to cope.’

'I know dad.’ I nodded, sniffing back my own tears. 'You aren’t the only one.’ I whispered.

The doctor made sure my dad was ok and then he left us alone. I sat back in the chair and my dad held onto my hand for dear life. It wasn’t long before there was a gentle tap on the door. It opened and Karl tentatively stepped in.

'Hey Mr Hoffer, are you ok?'

My dad scrutinised Karl before looking at me.

'Do I know him?’ He asked me. I shook my head.

'No, that’s Karl. He’s my…friend.’ That seemed like the easiest way to describe him.

'I’ve never met your friends.’ My dad sighed.

'No.’ I shrugged.

'You’re embarrassed by me.’ He looked a little sad but also like he understood why I would be.

'Not now dad.’ I shook my head. The longer I could put off that conversation the better. I’d put it off eight years so far. 'Karl I think you should go.’ I told him without turning to look at him.

'Uhm yeah sure.’ He sounded upset. 'I just wanted to make sure everything was ok.’

'Everything’s fine, thanks.’ Again I didn’t look at him.

'Ok.’ His voice turned into a whisper. 'Call me yeah? You know, if you need anything.'

'Sure.’ I whispered in reply. 'Oh and Karl.’ I finally turned to look at him.

'Yes?’ His eyes lit up a little.

'If you see the guys, you don’t know anything ok?’ It was probably obvious what I was trying to say but I didn’t want to outright say, don’t tell the guys what a fuck up my dad is, right in front of him. Karl’s face dropped again, clearly he’d been hoping I’d say something better than that.

'Of course.’ He sighed and then he left. Maybe I should feel bad. I didn’t.

————————————

I spent the most part of the next few days at the hospital. Karl didn’t come back and he didn’t call. I didn’t call him either. I’d spoken to Matt and Jason a few times, they were still very much broken up and kept asking me to come and hang out and I kept having to make up excuses as to why I couldn’t. They kept blaming Karl, saying I spent too much time with him. I hoped they didn’t bump into him and find out he wasn’t really the one to blame.

When dad was finally released the first thing I did when we got home was to empty the house of all alcohol and medicines. I always kept my weed stash on me so I never had to worry about that. If I stopped to think I would probably realise how much my father and I were alike. We both had our dependency to our own substances, both probably for the same reasons. It helped us to shut off. It helped us not to think. It helped us to forget how miserable we really were. I didn’t let myself think too much about that though.

————————————

It rained for the next three weeks. I sat on my window ledge and smoked blunts out the window and watched the small droplets fall to the earth. My phone hadn’t stopped ringing and eventually I’d just turned it off. It looked as though miserable Jinkx was here to stay. I still felt that numbness I’d felt since I found my dad passed out. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Everyone would be going off to college soon so I thought I’d better get used to being alone.

That night the rain finally let up so I took my disc man and some blunts and climbed out my bedroom window onto the roof. I used to spend a lot of time up here when I was younger, right after mom left. I found it peaceful to lay up here, staring at the stars and letting my music consume me. I laid down, put my ear buds in and lit a blunt. The Smiths album, The Queen is Dead, flooded into my ears and I exhaled heavily, watching the smoke twirl upwards and meet the sky. This was my happy place, well, it was the place I usually felt at my best, but that was normally far from actually happy. I felt calm here, safe I suppose. It was as though it didn’t matter what the hell was going on in my life because when I was up here I felt it all disappear. I stared up at the stars tapping my fingers on my free hand on the roof tiles along with the music. I took a long pull on the blunt and watched again as the smoke exited my mouth. Yes, I felt better already.

I was so engrossed in my music and watching the stars that I almost bolted off the roof when I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. I steadied myself, sitting up and removing my ear buds. He sat down next to me and crossed his legs. His smile was soft, turned up slightly at the corner. He took my blunt from my fingers and took a drag. He used his other hand to stroke back my hair.

'I was worried about you.’ Karl smiled moving his hand down to my cheek. 'It’s been weeks.'

'Yeah I know.’ I liked the feeling of Karl’s flesh meeting mine. I’d missed it, I was only realising that now.

'You’re ok?’ He kept his hand there, cupping my face while he took another drag on the blunt.

'I’m sure I will be.’ I told him as honestly as I could. He smiled a little and placed a gentle kiss on the corner of my mouth.

'Mind if I stay?'

'I guess not.'

We laid down next to each other and took an ear bud each. Karl handed me the blunt back and then, much like that night in Matt’s basement, he held my hand. And my safe place just felt a little safer. Note to self: stop pushing him away.

Karl stayed with me that night. After we laid on the roof for a few hours he helped me back inside and we curled up in my bed, me still fully dressed as usual. Karl curled into my back and held me close, placing delicate kisses on the back of my hair.

'I’m going to miss you when I go. So fucking much.’ He whispered. I threaded my fingers in his and pulled him tighter.

'We’ll always have summer.’ I mumbled.

————————————

A few days later when the weather picked up there was a beach party. It was pretty much a fucking disaster. I hadn’t seen my friends since the night of Jason’s meltdown and the second they saw me and Karl heading down the beach they swarmed me.

'Where the hell have you been?’ Jason.

'Do you know that when people call you’re supposed to answer? Or at the very least call back.’ Matt.

'It’s been weeks Jinkx! We’ve been worried sick!’ Ben.

'We thought you were fucking dead.’

'Let me guess too busy getting laid to call?’

'I needed you!'

'Where were you?’

'What the hell is going on?’

Questions and statements were thrown at me so rapidly that I lost track of who was saying what. It made me feel a little dizzy to be honest.

'Guys, cool it with the third degree.’ Karl stood forwards and made my friends give me some room. 'He’s been sick.'

I looked at him and looked at me. I subconsciously thanked him for lying for me and he smiled as if he knew.

'Sick?’ Jason raised his eyebrow. 'So sick you couldn’t answer your phone?’ Surprisingly Jason didn’t sound annoyed like he would have normally done. He sounded sad. Clearly he’d needed me, but I’d been too wrapped up in my own misery to help my friend.

'I’m really sorry.’ I shrugged. 'It looks like you work stuffed out though.’ I looked between Jason and Matt. They both frowned and noticeably stepped away from each other.

'Uh no we didn’t. Jason’s still being a stubborn asshole.'

'Fuck you!’ Jason turned to Matt. 'You still don’t get this do you? You don’t get how much you’ve hurt me!'

'Hurt you? Oh come on Jason, we all know this is just attention seeking.’ Matt rolled his eyes and lit a cigarette.

'Wow.’ Jason shook his head. 'Clearly you don’t know me at all. It fucking kills me to think you could gone near her! You have no fucking idea.’ He started shouting.

'Attention. Seeking.’ Matt said between drags of the cigarette. I stood back and watched. This summer was supposed to be a good one. I’d wanted to have one final amazing memory of spending time with my friends before they all left. This wasn’t how I wanted to remember them.

'Guys come on, not now yeah?’ Ben stepped between them.

'No one asked you.’ Jason growled at him. 'I can’t believe after all this time together and you would think so fucking little of me.’ He turned his attention back to Matt.

'I know you Jason. And I know that you’re doing this for attention. The second you get bored of it you’re going to come crawling back and telling me how sorry you are.’

'How sorry I am?’ Jason’s voice grew louder still. 'You’re the one that should be sorry! You fucking asshole!’ And then he lunged at Matt. They tumbled to the sand and started fighting. Seconds later Ben was at their sides trying to separate them.

'I hate you! I fucking hate you!’ Jason screamed.

'Fuck you! You’re so fucking predictable Jason!’ Matt screamed back. I watched on. I felt my blood pulsing through my veins. I heard my heart beating in my ears. I felt something wash over me that I’d never felt before. And then I exploded. I can’t explain what came over me. A whole wave of emotions hit me as I watched two of my best friends scrapping on the floor like children. I’d never felt like this before. I’d never had this pure, unadulterated feeling of rage bubbling through me, not like this. Maybe it was all that pent up anger I’d had as a kid towards my mom coming to the surface, who knows? I don’t suppose I’ll ever know. But I found myself stepping forward and all that anger I held inside came flooding out towards the people that mean most to me in this world.

'Stop this! Just fucking stop this right now!’ I yelled, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever spoken so loudly in my life. My voice seemed to encompass the whole beach and all the others a little way down the beach heard and turned to look at me. Jason, Matt and Ben froze and they all looked at me. Jason was on his back in the sand with Matt pinning him down by his shoulders. Ben’s hand was on Matt’s collar trying to pry him away from Jason. It was as though the whole world had stopped moving, except me. I stepped a little bit further forward. 'Enough of this! Jason, Matt is sorry he fucked Naomi ok? But in his defence you never told him why you hate her so much so how was he to know? Matt, Jason is sorry for being angry with you but he really doesn’t like Naomi and maybe you should try listening to him a little more. And Ben, we all know you’re dating Robbie ok? You are terrible at keeping secrets. Now can we all please, for the love of god try and get along? At this point I don’t care if you guys get back together or not, just be fucking civil ok? This is our last summer before everything changes. In a few weeks you’re all going to go off to college and you’ll forget all about dumb, shy little Jinkx. I’ll be stuck here, miserable because all my friends have gone. The last thing I need is to remember you all like this, at each other’s throats. So if I mean anything to you, please stop this.’ My voice was still raised but it was much quieter than it had been. Slowly, Ben let go of Matt and Matt let go of Jason and they all stood up looking at me. I didn’t realise what I’d said until Matt stepped forward.

'What do you mean you’ll be stuck here? What about New York?’ He asked me and then I realised I just given everything away. Of course I knew I’d have to tell them but I hadn’t wanted it to come out like this.

'I’m not going.’ I hung my head.

'Why?’ Jason stepped forward now.

'Do we have to do this now?’ I looked back up at them and I felt the tears behind my eyes. I wasn’t one to cry very often.

'Why aren’t you going to college Jinkx?’ Ben spoke up. I felt a hand on my shoulder. Karl. I looked at him and his lip turned up a little at the corner.

'He didn’t get in.’ Karl spoke for me.

'What?’ Matt frowned. 'Bullshit. You’re the smartest person I know! I don’t know anyone that works harder than you do!’

'Yeah, as if you didn’t get in.’ Jason frowned too. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

'Actually that’s a good point.’ Karl turned me to face him. 'Why didn’t I think about that?'

My face must have given away my guilt because suddenly Karl bit his lip and he stroked my cheek. 'You did get in didn’t you?’

I nodded sadly.

'This is because of your dad isn’t it?’ His voice was so sad. I nodded again.

'Oh baby.’ He pulled me into a tight embrace and I rested my head on his shoulder. I could sense all my friends watching me. I knew what was going to come next. When I pulled out of Karl’s hug they were all staring at me.

'What’s your dad got to do with this? Won’t he let you go?’ Ben asked with a slight frown.

'No, it’s not that.’ Was I going to have to tell them the truth? I’d done such a good job of never revealing anything about my home life. I’m not sure why though. These were my friends, surely I could have spoken to them? Were they going to hate me for keeping this from them?

'What is it then?’ Matt scratched his head. I sighed and looked at Karl again. He gave me a soft but encouraging smile.

'He overdosed a few weeks ago, wasn’t the first time mind you. He’s an alcoholic with suicidal tendencies. He has been ever since my mom left when I was ten.’ And just like that it was out there. All three of their faces fell. I could tell they weren’t sure if I was telling the truth or not because I’d told them in such a dead pan manner. By clearly it was written all over my face that this was no lie. I expected a bombardment of questions, of why's but it didn’t come. What happened instead was they all moved closer to me in unison, as though they’d all planned this, and they pulled me into a four way hug.

'Oh Jinkx, I’m so sorry.’ Matt whispered.

'Yeah that really sucks.’ Jason agreed.

'We’re here for you, we’ve always got your back.’ Ben added. The hug continued for some time and when it ended Matt spoke again.

'I’m sure Jason and I can be civil towards each other. Right Jason?’ He looked from me to Jason. Jason looked at me and nodded a little. I knew it would be hard for him but I appreciated him doing it for me.

'Yeah sure. I mean we’ve got three years at college together so I guess being civil will be easier.’ He said looking back at Matt. Oh god I’d forgotten they were going to college together, I imagined that would be a nightmare.

'We’ll be back all the time Jinkx, and you can come visit me in Chicago.’ Ben smiled at me.

'And us in Florida!’ Matt smiled too.

'Are you going to college at all?’ Karl asked me now and I’d momentarily forgotten he was there.

'I took a place at community college. Not quite where I pictured myself but, what choice do I have?’ I sighed a little and Karl cupped my face and gave me a gentle kiss.

'You’ll see us all the time.’ He whispered.

'Yeah definitely.’ Jason chimed in. I wouldn’t, but I didn’t know that then.

'Thanks guys. I’m sorry I lost my temper.’ I pulled a blunt from my pocket and lit it.

'I think we needed it.’ Matt chuckled a little. 'Shall we join the others?'

There was a general consensus to this and we all started heading towards the others. I really appreciated my friends for not harassing me with questions I didn’t want to answer. They were pains in the ass sometimes, but when I needed them to be, they were amazing. Matt got them drinks and we stood together, the five of us, staring out at the sea. Matt held his cup up.

'To the future.’ He muttered.

'To college.’ Ben held his up too.

'To being civil.’ Jason did the same.

'To life changing people.’ Karl whispered and held his drink up and used his free hand to entwine his fingers with mine.

'To friends. To all the people I’m going to miss like crazy.’ I joined in and held up my blunt. The four of them downed their drinks and took a long drag on the blunt. Everything was going to change. We all knew it. What we didn’t know, was that these were the best days of our lives.

————————————

Summer drew to a close. I spent the rest of it with Karl and my friends, trying to enjoy every second I got with them. They’d all left today. Ben, Jason and Matt had left for college. I hoped Jason and Matt would work things out but Jason was adamant they wouldn’t. It had been hard saying goodbye but they all insisted they’d be back soon. The thing is, they all have something to look forward to. They were all going off to college and were going to meet new people. I was staying here, in my hometown. They’d forget about me, I knew they would.

It was Karl’s last night before he left in the morning. His aunt was out of town on business and we finally had some alone time without the prospect of my friends getting in the way.

I was nervous as Karl laid me down on the bed. We’d only managed to be intimate once before and it somehow felt like my first time all over again. He held my face so gently as he kissed me as though I was made of porcelain and he may break me. He let me take my time getting undressed as I was still a little uncomfortable doing so. Once we were both naked he spent a lot of time just running his fingertips over my flesh as if trying to capture the way I felt. We made love, as corny as that sounds that’s what happened. He seemed even more gentle somehow this time. He took his time, he made me feel more incredible than I had ever felt before. My skin was still tingling for a while after we reached our climaxes. It was still tingling when Karl pulled me in close to him and continued running his fingertips up and down my arm. He kissed the top of my head over and over again as I laid my head on his chest. His heart was beating really fast. We both knew this was the end. It was over before we’d really had a chance to begin. This was our goodbye. This man had changed my whole life. I had never felt like this before. As I laid there in Karl’s arms I felt as though the weight of all my problems had lifted from my shoulders for the first time. I felt light. I felt ignited. But it was all going to end tomorrow. And I’d never get a chance to ask him, but as he continued stroking my arm, I swear to god his finger was making a pattern. And I swear that pattern spelt, I love you.

————————————

I went with Karl to the bus station the next morning. I felt that numbness wash over me all over again as I watched him hand his bags over to the driver. I didn’t want this to be emotional. I couldn’t have his last memory of me being me breaking down. He pulled me close and wrapped me in his arms tighter than he ever had before. Of course we had no idea what was to come for us, but it was almost as though we did. As far as we knew then everything was going to be fine and we’d speak and see each other all the time. But that’s not how things would work out and I think deep down we both already knew that. When he pulled back, he had tears in his eyes. He cupped my face and kissed me.

'I’m going to miss you so fucking much Jinkx.’ He sniffed.

'We’ll talk all the time. You’ll get sick of me we’ll talk that much.’ I told him, trying to stem his tears.

'I hope so. Not that I could ever get sick of you.’ He kissed me again.

'Your bus is going to leave.’ I told him. He looked over his shoulder and then back at me.

'Trying to get rid of me?’ He sniffed sadly.

'Trying not to make this any harder than it needs to be.’ I shrugged.

'Why does it feel like I’m the only one that’s upset here?’ He took a step back. He looked hurt. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

'I’m no good at this sort of stuff Karl, you know that. It’s killing me to know I’m not going to see you every day but it’s easier for me not to think about it. I’m sorry.’ I shrugged again. He nodded in understanding and stepped closer to me again. He took hold of my face and kissed me passionately. When he pulled back, he had a couple of tears rolling down his cheeks.

'Jinkx, I lo-’

'Please don’t say it.’ I cut him off. 'I know you do. But that word, it scares me Karl.’

'As long as you know.’ He took hold of my hand and kissed the back of it. 'I better go.’ He sniffed and wiped his tears on his sleeve. 'I’ll see you soon yeah? And we’ll talk.’

'Of course.’ I nodded, biting my lip. Karl stepped on the bus and turned back to look at me.

'Here’s looking at you kid.’ His lip turned up at the corner in that soft smile I’d gotten so used to as he quoted our favourite movie. The bus doors closed and the engine started. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and I watched the bus pull out the station, taking the best thing that had ever happened to me away. I stood on that spot until the bus was out of sight. Most people would cry. Most people would feel like their heart was being ripped from their chest. Not me. I felt nothing but numb.

I finally started walking. I slipped on my headphones and lit a blunt. I tried to keep telling myself that everything would be ok, that nothing was going to change. But everyone was gone. And I was alone. And nothing would ever be the same again.

Get on the bus, it’s time to go.

#scarlet #jinkx x manila #manila luzon #jinkx monsoon #smut #drugs #tw attempted suicide #pearlet #violet chachki #bendelacreme #rpdr fanfiction #visions of summer #m/m au #rare pair

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