#i just think adam should get to drunkenly tell his wife how much he loves his life every now and then. as a treat 💖

[lumiereandcogsworth]

So Happy

word count: 540 | Adam’s Birthday!!

tags: fluff, love, tipsy but in a sweet way

on AO3! | top divider roses divider

“Woah!” Adam chuckled, flopping onto his side of the bed.

“You alright, there?” Belle asked, smirking at her silly husband as she sat up against the headboard.

“Yes,” he grinned. He shoved himself closer to her, kissing her cheek and laughing again.

“Did you have a happy birthday, love?”

“Oh yes,” he nodded, pressing another kiss to her shoulder, wrapping his arm around her pregnant stomach. “I had a beautiful birthday. Absolutely gorgeous.”

“Good, I’m glad,” Belle replied, chuckling again at how giddy he was.

He snuggled against her for a moment, sighing and smiling like he was a cat resting in a sunbeam. Suddenly he raised his head up again, meeting his wife’s eyes. “Can I just tell you something?”

“Sure.”

For a moment he looked at her as though he might cry, eyebrows drawing together and eyes welling up. But then he smiled, sweetly and without a care. “I love our life together, Belle.”

Belle slowly smiled as she listened to him.

“I love that I spend everyday with you. I love how we talk and laugh and argue—,” he coughed out a laugh, “I love arguing with you.”

She laughed too, touching his cheek tenderly.

“I love that I get to spend all my days with you,” he moved his hand over hers. “I want to spend the rest of my days with you.”

“You will, love. Of course,” she promised, touched by his mildly inebriated worry.

He smiled back, happy to have it all confirmed. He looked down at her growing belly. This little one still had about three months before it would arrive, but Adam had spent every day thinking about it. He laid his palm there, then grinned at his wife again. “I love our family, my darling. Our beautiful family.”

She chuckled, eyes welling up. “Me too.”

Her husband grinned, “And you can blame the extra wine for the bountiful amount of love that seems to be pouring out of me tonight—,” she laughed. “—But, I love you so much, Belle.”

Belle smiled, running a hand through his hair and letting her palm land affectionately along his jaw. “I love you too, sweetheart.”

He returned the smile, leaning up closer and kissing her, locking them in time for a moment, letting the earth fall away. He parted their lips but pressed his forehead to hers, grinning, so overcome with joy. “My darling…” he whispered.

“My love,” she replied. They closed their eyes, touching foreheads, hearts beating as one. After a beat, Belle opened her eyes.

“Little one’s up and about,” she smiled.

Adam looked at her, then to her bump, placing his hand by his wife’s as they felt their child move. Adam smiled, so happy, so content. He shifted his body down a little so he could rest his head on Belle’s shoulder, shutting his eyes as he was lulled to some sleepy state by the excited little dancing steps of their baby.

Belle wrapped her arm around his shoulders, massaging fingers finding his scalp. Peace found its way to them, crashing over them like a wave on a sandy shore. They rested, snuggled in bed, love filling the room so effortlessly as Adam’s birthday came to a tender and sweet end.

[rocorambles]

Jealousy

Pairing: Atsumu x Reader (Main), Osamu x Reader (Side)

Genre/Warnings: Yandere, NSFW, Rape/Non-Con, Misuse of Duct Tape, Non-Con Bondage, Forced Breeding, Forced Impregnation, Delusional Mindset

Summary: Atsumu is determined to prove that he’s the better twin for you.    

The first time Atsumu meets you he doesn’t remember you so much as he gets stuck on the fact that Osamu is dating someone. Osamu is fucking dating someone and Atsumu is still here single and alone in his late twenties, not a girl anywhere even in sight. It makes him livid as he stares at the identical face gently smiling at you, affectionately holding your hand, looking so damn happy and content. 

What does he have that Atsumu doesn’t? A successful food chain? Cool. But is he a pro-athlete? A medal winning Olympic athlete? One of the best setters in the country? In the world? It’s infuriating to think about and as much as Atsumu loves volleyball, even he dreams of love, marriage, a family of his own late at night when he’s alone on a hotel bed, only Sakusa’s breathing from the other bed in the room keeping him company. 

And those thoughts consume him long after he bids farewell to Osamu and you and suddenly the MSBY Jackals are in an uproar as every team member takes turns being sexiled by their blond setter when they’re off at their away games, as Atsumu nonchalantly strolls into the locker rooms to prep for practice, back littered with scratch marks that Bokuto tries to shield from Hinata’s eyes when the orange haired athlete curiously asks when Atsumu got a cat. 

Girl after girl walks in and out of his bed, his life. Most never lasting more than a night, a few returning for a couple more rounds in the bedsheets, one even manages to interest him enough to grab a cup of coffee with. But it’s the same verdict every time. He’s good enough to fool around with and he’s great in bed, but Miya Atsumu is not husband material, not when he’s already married to volleyball. 

The rejection only fuels his inner turmoil and the green eyed monster inside of him grows and grows, festering and spreading throughout him the more he stops attempting his futile attempts and instead turns his energy to loitering around Osamu and you, inviting himself over for dinners after practice, trying his hand at helping you in the kitchen for brunch on the weekends, crashing in your guest bedroom to the point that Osamu and you gift him a spare key to your shared home. 

Neither of you think much of it, Osamu joking to you privately that this is just Atsumu being the needy emotional brother he really is while you’re just glad to be able to get to know Osamu’s family better. So none of you notice how brown eyes inquisitively trail after the both of you, watching how the two of you seamlessly work out both your hectic lives, never letting the long hours at your job or Osamu’s restaurant get in the way of your relationship, always directing a warm smile or gaze at the other despite how obviously exhausted or far away from a good mood you’re in. 

And Atsumu lets himself believe that this could be his as he hungrily stares at the way you gently caress his brother’s hand, the affection in your gaze as you tenderly kiss him on the lips, the playful wink you give his twin when you tell him you’re getting ready for bed. He lets himself dream that it’s him who you direct those loving gazes to as you cheerfully greet him in the morning, handing him a coffee made just the way he likes it, placing a plate full of delicious piping hot food in front of him. He lets his hand wander down his shorts at night, straining to hear every detail, every decibel of your moans as Osamu and you make love at night, closing his eyes and stroking his cock as he imagines it’s him who’s forcing those beautiful cries from your mouth. 

But it’s not all a picture perfect paradise and Atsumu carefully listens in, alerted by the raising voices he hears through the walls as more and more time passes by. He’d noticed the growing tension in the house, noticed how the two of you were less affectionate, almost awkwardly shuffling around each other when both of you were home from work these past few months. But he couldn’t think of what could have caused both of you to act so strangely, so suddenly, when everything had seemed so swell. 

Curiosity has him placing his ear on the wall and he winces when he hears you shout, anger and hurt in your voice that makes his heart clench painfully, asking when Osamu was going to propose, telling his brother how you’re sick of waiting, how you want to get married and have kids soon. Something shattering inside of him when your voice becomes small and hesitant. 

“I thought that’s what you wanted too, Osamu. Isn’t that why we decided to start living together?”

He expects his brother to leap at the opportunity, to reassure you, yes, absolutely yes, we can get married right away. He knows that if their positions were switched, that’s what he would be doing. But his jaw drops in disbelief, morphing into a scowl when Osamu pleads for you to calm down, to be patient. 

“I do want that. But just not right now.”

“If not now, when? We’re not getting any younger, Osamu.” 

“But my chain is in talks of expanding and there’s so much going on. I just don’t have time-”

There’s a heavy silence as Osamu is quick to snap his mouth shut and Atsumu knows he’s cursing himself for the slip of his tongue, already knows the next words that are going to come out of your mouth, words he himself is all too familiar with from his own past failed relationships. 

“You just don’t have time for us? Me?” 

“That’s not what I meant…”

But it’s too late and Atsumu flinches when he hears loud angry movement, Osamu’s voice imploring you to calm down and stop what you’re doing to no avail as you stomp out of the house, slamming the front door behind you as you make your way to a friend’s house to spend the night apart. 

No one speaks of that night after you return to the house the next day and the three of you continue as normal. Or at least as normal as you can be after an unresolved disagreement that your relationship ultimately hinges around continues ticking like a time bomb in everyone’s minds. And it finally counts down to zero when Osamu packs his bags and plants a cold chaste kiss on your lips before heading to the airport and making his way to seal the deal on the restaurant expansion that’s taken over his entire life. 

Maybe it’s Atsumu’s fault that the two of you are drunk out of your minds, sprawled out on the living room floor. Scratch that. It’s definitely Atsumu’s fault and he drunkenly smiles at how out of it you are, heart warming at the giddy genuine smile spread across your face, happiness in your eyes that he hasn’t seen ever since that argument Osamu and you had. And oh, he didn’t mean to say that out loud and he panics, quickly sobering up when your smile falls at his words, eyes glazed in reminiscence as you think of that night. 

Atsumu isn’t known for his patience, but he waits, not uttering a single word, not moving an inch as you open yourself up to him, telling him your hopes and dreams that so closely match his own of a loving relationship, marriage, family, sharing about the argument Osamu and you had (unknowing of the fact that Atsumu already knows far more than he should). But when you frustratedly laugh at yourself, asking him rhetorically if you’re just being silly and naive, if you’re just a grown woman trying to fulfill a little girl’s childish dream, you’re stunned by the fierce denial from the blonde athlete determinedly staring at you.

“No. You’re not being silly or naive. ‘Samu’s being the idiot. Any man would be lucky and proud to have you as his wife and to create a family with you.”

Those words resonate with you, linger in your mind, further branded into your memory by the sheer sincerity Atsumu drowned them in. And maybe that’s why you find it impossible to play house anymore, find it impossible to live a forced and fake lie when you’re not truly happy anymore. It’s hard, heartbreakingly so, to part ways with the silver haired man when he still holds a part of your heart, but it’s for the best. Why continue when neither of you are on the same page in the long run? Why waste more precious years when you can actively work towards your desired future with someone else who wants the same things as you? 

It’s logical. It makes sense. And yet when you meet up with Atsumu at his apartment for dinner one night to catch up a few months or so after the break up you’re still doubting your decision. 

You had been surprised the blond setter had been so adamant about keeping in touch even after his brother and you separated, but if you’re honest, he’s surprisingly sweet and caring, someone you consider a true friend. So as awkward as it might seem to outsiders, the two of you remain in close contact and you happily agree to his invite when both your busy schedules finally match up. 

But as much as you like Atsumu, the two of you really need to stop drinking so much when you see each other and you let out a cry of frustration when your eyes immediately tear up when Atsumu casually asks how you’re doing as both of you sprawl out on his couch, trying to wave away his worried face as he hovers far too close to you, telling him it’s just the alcohol making you more emotional than usual. 

And you still blame all the drinks he had generously kept refilling for you for the way you sob and cling onto him as he wraps you in a tight hug, telling him how you worry all the time about whether or not you made the right decision to break up with Osamu, whether or not you’re ever going to find someone else, ever going to get married, ever going to have that dream romance you’ve always wanted, ever going to have the happy full family you’ve always yearned for. 

It all comes out of you so easily. But everything with Atsumu has always come easy and you don’t think much of it, finding comfort in his solid presence as he continues to hold you, letting him readjust and find a comfortable position-

You scramble to separate from him when lips tenderly meet yours, limbs flailing as you shove the man away from you, eyes comically wide open as you stare agape at Atsumu. 

“What are you- We can’t- No no no. All of this is wrong. This would KILL Osamu-”

Something inside of Atsumu snaps when he hears his brother’s name from your lips. Even after all this time, you’re still thinking of him? You still care about him? When the better twin is right in front of your fucking face? 

He doesn’t even register he’s shouting those questions in your face, barely registering your terrified eyes as you try to shrink away from him. But your movement of pulling away from him snaps him back to reality and reflexes has his hand twisting in your hair, grabbing you by your roots, fury making him numb to the way you desperately claw at his grip as he drags you to his bedroom. 

You’re too focused on soothing your aching skull when he finally releases you by throwing you onto his bed and pitiful tears stream down your face as you gingerly hold your head, ignorant of how the athlete is rummaging through his closet. In hindsight you’ll wonder why you didn’t try to run while his back was turned, although you already know the answer. This is just Atsumu in one of his moods. He didn’t mean to hurt you. He’ll apologize in just a second. Those are the thoughts fleeting through your mind amidst the sore ache Atsumu has left behind. 

But a warning bell rings relentlessly inside of you as you finally look up when you sense him approaching you, a thick roll of silver duct tape in his hands. 

Had Atsumu always looked so...intimidating?

You try to fight back as you’re suddenly pinned to the bed by a muscular body, flailing and thrashing as calloused hands hold your arms above your hand, tightly wrapping your wrists together, looping extra lengths of the tape around the headboard, securely fastening your arms up and out of the way. But it’s useless, pathetic really, although Atsumu thinks there’s something adorable about how hard you’re trying, only to be easily batted away by his much stronger body as he tears off your clothes and bends your knees, taping your calves to your thighs, one side at a time until both your legs are bound. 

And then there’s silence and stillness other than your wriggling tied form as Atsumu sits back and admires the view of your naked body, reality so much more lucious and gorgeous than he had ever imagined. You struggle against your tight restraints, recoiling as brown eyes leer at you, ravenously devouring the sight of your heaving breasts, raking down your figure before finally landing on your bare pussy on full display as his hands spread your bound legs on either side of you, palms searing your inner thighs with their unwanted warmth as he holds you open. 

One day he won’t need the resilient tape to hold you down and keep you still. One day you’ll let him have you of your own free will. One day you’ll see that he was always the one for you. But he can’t help but feel that there’s something breathtaking about how vulnerable and pretty you are, laid out for him like a wrapped present, something filthily attractive about how striking the silver stripes are against your skin. 

One day he won’t need the resilient tape...but that doesn’t mean he'll stop using it. 

You shudder as he trails his fingers over the duct tape, grinning at you all the while. 

“Can’t have you moving too much if I’m going to breed you. You’ll make all my cum spill out of you.”

He tsks when you frantically struggle at his words, pathetic begs and pleads spilling from your lips as dread fills you from learning exactly what Atsumu has planned for you and suddenly you’re all too aware of just how exposed you are, how tight the front of his pants look as his erection presses against the fabric, how far too close he is to your most intimate part. And you sob as he leans on top of you, pressing his toned body against yours, something hard pressing against your bare pussy as he captures your lips in a kiss to silence you. 

“I thought you would be more thankful considering how you were practically in my arms begging me for kids not even a hour ago. And now I’m here ready to give you what you want and you’re making such a fuss.” 

He rolls his eyes, scoffing as you only sob even harder, body shaking and trembling, sniveling as you stare up at him with teary eyes, begging him to stop. 

“Oh shut up. What? Are you worried about the order of things? Worried I’ll just knock you up and leave you alone? Don’t be stupid. I’ll make sure to put a ring on your finger and marry you after this. Who cares about the order of things when the end result is the same.” 

Your mouth opens and shuts a few times, unsure where to even begin telling him just how wrong his reasoning is, unsure how to even process his words. Ring? Marry? What-

But thoughts fly out of your head when a hungry mouth suddenly descends on your breasts, harshly sucking a nipple between wet lips, fingers roughly twisting and pulling at your other nipple and you wail at the jolt of sudden stimulation, too focused on the tongue lapping at your nipples and lances of arousal swirling inside of you to notice how his free hand is shoving his pants and boxers down and off. 

You hate how quick you are to melt into the delirious pleasure, body craving for the touch of another, to be brought to new heights by another after being left to your own devices for the past few months and you can feel your pussy clench and throb, feeling so exposed and empty, practically begging to be stuffed full as slick begins to form between your legs. And as if Atsumu can hear your body’s silent cry for more, he begins to push the tip of his cock inside of you and your back arches, mouth instinctively opening as he takes his time, pressing past your tight opening, slipping further and further inside of you until he’s finally fully sheathed inside of you, letting your body adjust to him as he continues licking and sucking on your breasts, groaning as he feels your tight walls clamp around him with every move of his mouth. 

Atsumu is not known for his patience, but he tries his damn best to take it as slow as he bearably can for you, dragging his cock back and forth against your gummy walls, constantly adjusting the angle of his hips with every stroke until you’re crying out, and he smirks triumphantly, memorizing the exact position and angle that has you seeing stars as he continuously hits that spongy spot inside of you. And all it takes is for his hand to slide between the two of you and gently circle your clit as he continues his steady assault to have you breaking to pieces underneath him, garbled versions of his name escaping your mouth as your orgasm washes over you in heavy tall waves, his own release joining with yours as your pussy convulses and milks him of his sticky white liquid. 

As post-coital bliss disintegrates, shame and relief flood through you, shame for enjoying it, relief that this ordeal is finally over and you wait. Wait for him to remove the tape. Wait for him to pull out of you. Grimacing as he affectionately nuzzles you and litters your face with kisses. But you panic, pure fear flooding through you when you feel his cock twitching inside of you once more, growing inside of you again. 

“You didn’t think we were done, did you? Need to make sure I fill you with so much cum that your body has no choice but to get pregnant.”

And he stays true to his words, fucking you over and over again, sometimes hard and rough, sometimes passionate and sensual, sometimes soft and gentle, but always finishing inside of you, adding to the splattered pooling mess inside of you. You feel disgusting, the increasingly wet noises as he thrusts in and out of the sticky wet mess inside of you permeating throughout the room, stomach feeling so bloated with cum that you swear you must be pregnant already. 

Quiet, relieved sobs wrack your body when the weight on top of you finally lifts, when he finally pulls out of you and your body slumps down, all the tension leaving it, discomfort taking its place as you feel a torrent of liquid move to rush out of your overfilled cunt, the beginnings of it already starting to trickle out. But despite your aching dry throat, you manage to let out a strangled cry of disbelief when your hips are uncomfortably raised up, upper body almost folded in half as Atsumu keeps your glistening pussy upright, not allowing even a single drop more to escape. 

And in this new position you have no choice but to watch, anxiety coursing through you when he tears off another piece of duct tape, chest hyperventilating as he places it over your gaping hole, effectively sealing you shut and despite the fact that you thought you had no more tears left to shed, new salty teardrops slide down your cheeks at the debauched site of your own pussy being treated as nothing more than an object, a receptacle for his seed, his beaming smug face between your legs only adding to your humiliation as he smiles down at his handiwork. 

All you can do is mindlessly stare when he directs his smile at you, verbally praising himself for how smart he is for finding a way to keep his cum inside of you and making sure all his hard work doesn’t go to waste, mind and body feeling numb and broken as he finally lets your body lay fully back on the bed, slumping down next to you in exhaustion and cuddling your listless and still bound figure. 

“We can go pick out rings together tomorrow, okay? Maybe try a few more times for some runts after. You think the more I cum in you, the better the chance that you’ll have twins?”

You don’t know, but you have a sinking feeling that you’ll soon be finding out.

[doof-doofblog]

"Another Time, Yeah?"

Tuesday 15th June 2021

(Part One & Part Two)

Hello again everyone, as promised I'm back with another post - 3 blog posts from me this week, that's more than I did last week!! But anyway I'm going to review everything from Tuesday's episodes in this post.  

So without further ado, I'm going to begin with mentioning Ruby. The day after her second miscarriage, Martin is surprised to learn that once again she has every intention of going to work and forgetting about the events that have occurred. Martin tries his best to convince his wife to rest for the rest of the day but as Ruby tries to explain her reasons for wanting to go to work, she notices the screen on Martin's laptop, it shows that he's been looking up options for IVF.

Understandably, Martin is trying to help in any way he can to make sure he and his wife have they family they've been longing for. However Ruby makes the valid point that it's not the getting pregnant that's the problem, it's being able to stay pregnant. Martin tries to explain that if they really want to have a family they can consider other options available, but Ruby then drops the bombshell that after everything she's gone through she really can't bring herself to go through any more trauma and loss. She informs Martin that instead of trying to fight to have a family, she's going to embrace the family she already has.

However, later Ruby is seen alone, visiting the memorial that she and Martin created for their lost baby, she gently adds another stone to commemorate the second baby she has lost. As the camera spins we see that just across the patch of grass, Jean is sat on her own but as she turns around and notices Ruby, she joins her. Jean realises exactly what's happening and speaks softly to her. Informing Jean about the decision to not try for another baby and to accept the family she has, Jean makes a very touching statement - "You know what I see? I don't see a woman who's given up, I see a woman who's grieving, and I believe there's still a lot of fight in you!" - as beautiful as those words are, it completely hits Ruby to the core and she softly begins to cry, such a moving moment.

--

The next thing I'm going to mention is Tiffany and Keegan. It's the day of their photoshoot and Tiffany is completely excited about the press and media attention. Wanting to get her name out there also, she informs Keegan that she's come up with a name for their joint business - Something along the lines of "ButcherBakerBeauty-Baps?" ... (I'm sure they'll come up with a better name eventually!) Suddenly when Tiffany sees herself in the mirror she's horrified to see that the day of their photoshoot she been graced with a spot on her chin, frantically she begins to flap, claiming that she needs to look good for their photoshoot - I have to be honest the main thought that was entering my mind at this point was "The photoshoot isn't even meant to be hers so why is she making such a fuss?" - without meaning to be mean, but I don't know I guess it just didn't sit right with me, she shouldn't be focusing on her and should be supporting her husband instead.

As Tiffany calls her friend in desperate need of some assistance, it seems that her friend manages to get someone round to do Tiffany's make-up. However when Tiffany compliments the stylist's skin, the lady informs her that she does cheat by using injections such as Botox and fillers. Realising that injecting herself with something could change her appearance to the way she wants, Tiffany urges the beautician to use the injections on her for her photoshoot - even though the beautician warns her it can be very pricey! Again, I have to be honest - as soon as I realised that Tiffany was going to ask for injections my mind just went racing - how much do you want to bet that Tiffany is going to become addicted to beauty injections?! It could be a possible new storyline for her which could end with serious consequences?

Even though she is thrilled with the end results, Tiffany is shocked to see the price she has to pay for the treatment and asks whether she can pay half now and pay the rest within in the next couple of days. Later as Keegan and Tiffany are enjoying the photoshoot - the photographer is keen on focusing on Keegan and asking him questions about his business. But when Keegan tries to turn their attention to Tiffany so she can promote her business/brand - you can see that the photographer is the least bit interested.

The next day, as everyone is gushing about the article in the newspaper about Keegan, Tiffany buys herself a newspaper hoping to see a whole page spread of herself and her husband in the newspaper. But she is visibly devastated when she realises that she hasn't even been mentioned and the whole article is about Keegan and his business. She later voices her annoyance and devastation to her friend Chloe, claiming that she has spent a fortune on injections for nothing! But worse still, how is her husband going to react when he finds out she's spending money on things she doesn't need!

Chloe then suggests that in a way to make as much money as she can so Keegan won't suspect anything is for her to flog diet pills. She claims she doesn't know how they work and has never used them but manages to sell them and get decent enough money for doing so. For a split moment I had hoped that Tiffany would know better than to sell some dodgy diet pills, but it looks as though she is very tempted. Later when she meets up with Bernie, she confides in her friend about the money she has spent on fillers to make herself look good for the photoshoot.

Of course Bernie is sympathetic towards her friends, but then suddenly Tiffany starts rummaging in her bag for something and empties out the contents of her bag, quickly Bernie notices the tubs of diet pills she's in possession of and asks where she got them from and whether they work, it's then that Bernie drops the bombshell that she needs to lose weight quickly, and Tiffany is a bit surprised by her choice of words, asking why "Quickly". It's then that finally Bernie feel able to tell someone about her plans and informs Tiffany that she's agreed to be Rainie and Stuart's surrogate, much to her best friend's shock. Tiffany warns Bernie to be careful where Rainie and Stuart are concerned because when she offered to be their surrogate she recalled that they didn't leave her alone. But Bernie is adamant that she needs the money for her family and claims that her Mum believes that she'll be getting a bonus from the call centre. Eventually she practically begs Tiff to allow her to use the diet pills, she claims she can be her guinea pig in a way and will pay her once she's made her money from the surrogacy. Tiffany looks really reluctant to do so but makes Bernie promise that she'll read the instructions before taking them.

Honestly, I fear this is going to be a massive downward spiral for the both of them. Tiffany getting hooked on beauty injections and then Bernadette getting addicted to diet pills and both making themselves ill. What do you guys think?! I'm really intrigued to hear your thoughts on this one!

--

Elsewhere on the Square, Shirley is still reeling about the news of Linda's pregnancy, she still can't understand why she wasn't told much earlier on when she arrived back in Walford. She admits to Nancy and Frankie that she feels as though her family are shutting her out. I have to say though I loved the banter between the three of them in this scene. Nancy tries to swerve the conversation from her parents sex life to Shirley's own love life and happens to point out that she hasn't been with anyone since Buster!!!

Oh my goodness, do you guys remember Buster??? It was proven that he was in fact Mick's biological Dad, which makes him Nancy and Frankie's Grandad. Hearing that Frankie has a Grandad seemed to excite the girl, but she and Nancy still continue to make fun of Shirley - claiming that for her next birthday they're going to buy her a pair of slippers and a throw as they claim it's time for her to hang up her knee-high leather boots. I do love the jip that Shirley snaps back at them, it makes the whole scene much more comical and the dynamic between them all is just brilliant!

It's then they Frankie points to Terry sat on his own and urges Shirley to ask him for a drink, at first Shirley shows no interest but after being goaded by her Granddaughters, she eventually gets the courage to approach Terry and (in not so many words) informs him that he will be buying her a drink. The one thing that completely confused me though was that Terry called himself by the name "Rocky" as he introduced himself to Shirley, can anyone explain to me why? His name is Terry right? I don't understand where the "Rocky" came from? - Unless it's similar to Callum's name - Callum "Halfway" Highway?!

Meanwhile, as Terry agrees to have a quick drink with Shirley, Sonia is at home prepping a lovely roast dinner meal for herself and her Dad to celebrate and early Father's Day. But back in the pub, as Shirley and Terry begin to chat and get to know each other, Nancy and Frankie keep showering them with drinks. As the sisters notice that they appear to be getting on, Nancy places down another drink in front of them claiming it's on the house, while Frankie sneakily changes the time on the clock.

Terry is adamant he can only stay until 1pm as he has a lunch date with Sonia, but as he looks at clock to see he still has plenty of time, he continues to drink. Unfortunately though, both Frankie and Nancy reveal to each other that instead of giving them single vodka drinks, they've been serving them triple vodka's all shift. Eventually as things get a bit loud, Nancy and Frankie realise their mistake. Shirley and Terry are both drunkenly singing along to "Come On, Eileen!" and then eventually "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)".

I have to admit, even though it was hilarious watching drunk Shirley singing along to the music and having a laugh with Terry, you do feel sorry for Sonia as you realise that Terry has accidentally stood her up for her meal. Arriving at the Vic and seeing the drunken state her Dad is in, she demands Terry to leave Walford and to never come back. Over the next day or so, Terry is desperate to make it up to his daughter and he appears to think that the only way he can do it is to roll out the red carpet in her house for her and make her a meal of her own and instead of calling it "Father's Day" makes it a "Daughter's Day".

As Sonia agrees to give him one final chance, they make it up by taking a selfie together. But when Terry leaves his phone on the table and Sonia takes a look at the picture, she begins to scroll through his phone and sees that there are other photos of houses on his phone. What could these mean? Is he planning on moving to Albert Square for good? OR is he in some kind of business where some of the local properties are going to be knocked down? Who knows?!

--

The next thing I have to mention is Kat and Phil. Kat is completely excited to learn that things are on the move where her business with Phil is concerned. Phil has confirmed that he has bought the laundrette for their business opportunity and they're just waiting for the paperwork to go through. Only her happiness doesn't seem to last for long as when she enters the café and is confronted by Sharon, it seems that Sharon warns her that anything that Phil is involved in is never legit. Although Sharon's relationship with Phil was completely different compared to Kat's relationship with him, it seems that Sharon's words fill Kat's head with doubt. Eventually she takes it upon herself to confront Phil, claiming she wants to see the paperwork to make sure everything they're doing is legit. She claims that she has already been prison once and doesn't want to end up there again, she needs to be completely certain that going into business with Phil is the right thing to do. I think people are too easy to judge Phil, they should give him a break, he informs Kat that he shouldn't listen to a word that Sharon's said and to trust him, he wants to focus on their future and having something in place for both of their children, but more importantly if she is wanting this as much as he does, then she needs to learn to trust him. I still think that if all goes well for these two, Kat and Phil could potentially be the new power couple on the Square! What do you think?!

--

Lastly, Callum is still appearing to struggle with the trauma of what happened with his partner. The one person he's been able to confide in is Whitney. After anxiously waiting to hear news about his partner's condition, he was completely relieved when Ash informs him that Fitzy's operation was a success and he should make a full recovery.

As he excitedly informs Whitney about the good news, Whitney reminds him that he should tell Ben now, considering that Fitzy is going to be okay. Callum kind of shuts that comment down and asks Whitney whether she'll accompany him to the hospital to see his partner. However, without their knowledge, Ben sees them from across the Square getting into a cab together, I have to say Ben & Callum's married life hasn't really started off well has it? They've come back from their honeymoon, Phil is still reluctant to talk to either Callum or Ben as he stills holds a grudge against Callum for going behind his back, and Callum has had to deal with the trauma of witnessing his partner being stabbed on the job.

But even though Callum maybe wants to tell Ben about his, Ben did at the start find it hard to accept Callum in the police and had the cheek to ask him to quit, but realising that he loves Callum for who he is and not is job, changes his mind and just requests that Callum never speaks about work to him. So of course, with that in mind, Callum must feel that he has no one else to talk to about recent events, which is why he has leaned on Whitney over the past couple of days. But when Ben sees them getting into that car together, you can tell he's beginning to speculate what they could be up to.

Unfortunately, after returning from seeing Fitzy in the hospital, it looks like it hasn't really helped Callum cope with it, he begins to fret and lash out claiming it was his fault that he's in hospital with wires all attached to him. Almost hurting himself on the garden gate, Whitney acknowledges that she has seen Callum this way before, and it's all down to his PTSD - (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) - we know that he went through it when he was in the army, but now it appears to be resurfacing. The one thing that crossed my mind was, is Ben aware about Callum's PTSD? Has that always been a thing that Ben has known about, I'm a bit unsure?

However, it seems that Whitney is eager for Callum to inform his husband now more so than ever that what's been happening. But when Callum arrives home and Ben asks him how his day at work was, Callum lies to him once again claiming he's had a really busy day and just wants to have a shower alone. Now Ben knows that Callum is lying about being in work, so obviously he's going to be wondering what else he's lying about or not telling him. As Callum makes his way into the shower, Ben grabs his opportunity to search his rucksack and it seems he's completely stunned to find an engagement ring - of course he's going to be completely clueless and wondering why his husband has an engagement ring, but we know that before Fitzy was rushed to hospital, Fitzy gave it to Callum to give to his girlfriend.

I think Callum really needs to talk to Ben soon before he jumps to conclusions and lashes out, accusing Callum of something he's completely innocent of. Overall a good few episodes I have to say, I've really enjoyed being able to type up a couple of blogs this week, I was getting myself a little stressed out that I was so far behind and hadn't posted in a while, but again I want to thank you all for continuing to follow me and show your interest in my blog, it really means the world. Please feel free to send me any thoughts or opinions you may have on the current storylines. Enjoy the rest of your week and I'll be back very soon! Love you all xXx

[isittoolateto-uh]

Zokka Ready Or Not AU Part 1

aThe first bit would be Sokka proposing to Zuko - which he rejects out of fear of him drawing the hide and seek card and being murdered

then that’d be followed by relationship angst as well as sokka loudly (read: drunkenly) speculates the reason zuko rejected him

(In this universe let’s say they’re in their mid-twenties and have been together since a few months after they become friends in the show - so about 15-17ish)

They eventually talk it out after much angst

Zuko suggests they just say they’re married in name but not have it be recognized by law

Sokka, however, is adamant that they get married officially with a wedding and stuff (don’t try to tell me he’s not that kind of person because he totally is) 

He tries to reason that “You’ve been meaning to reconnect with your family anyway” and “Weddings bring people together”

But then Zuko’s all like “yeah that’s all fine and dandy but we still can’t get married ever, at least not the way you want”

Sokka asks why and after much prompting Zuko explains the deal with the devil and the cards and the box and the game tradition and just everything. (Because Zuko wouldn’t be selfish enough to keep that from his future spouse unlike some people.) 

Sokka tries to write it off as a joke before realizing Zuko is completely serious

zuko then explains the ritual that has to happen if he draws the hide and seek card

“And I don’t think I’d be able to cope with losing you” yada yada

Sokka would be all stubborn like “okay but I still wanna try to get married. the chances of me drawing that card are pretty low anyway.”

But Zuko replies with something like “Yeah but like I don’t wanna risk it”

then sokka hits him with a combo move of puppy dog eyes and a “you know how much marriage means to me, my parents were so in love and I’ve always wanted what they had” yada yada

... Eventually they decide to get married, after much convincing (read: whining) on Sokka’s part

This would be the part of the story where Zuko prepares Sokka for the possibility that he’s gonna be hunted alive by his psychotic father and younger sister - also Iroh, Mai, and Ty Lee are there and Azula has a husband because we need more hunters in this non-bending modern au 

They go over the layout of the estate, the various fighting/killing experience each member of the family has, their favored weapon, different escape tactics and whatnot

Azula has the bow and arrow, Ozai has the shotgun, Azula’s husband - who we’ll call Dave because I always imagine Azula marrying the whitest plainest most “plain oatmeal” guy on the planet - has a crossbow that he absolutely does not know how to use, and Iroh has a battle ax.

Azula and Dave have two little dickhead kids who are mainly unimportant… We’ll get to that later

Lu Ten’s wife tragically drew the hide and seek card and was tragically captured and sacrificed to the devil. Lu Ten tragically (allegedly) decided to quit life anymore after that. Understandably.

Ty Lee and Mai are the maids but don’t worry they’re not gonna get mowed down in an absurd and hilarious fashion.

Zhao is, of course, the crazy fuckass butler.

a very colorful bunch

sokka jokingly comments that if the curse is real then they should prepare to inherit a ton of cash

zuko reminds him that if the curse is real then - if sokka were to live till dawn in a game of hide and seek - zuko would die too as he is a member of the family

awkward silence followed by them also preparing for zuko to cut all ties with his family and take sokka’s surname (something sokka’s very happy about)

Anyway, they have the wedding at the fancy manor, like in the movie.

The family, especially Azula, is very cryptic and rude towards Sokka. Except for Iroh. Huh. Mysterious. I wonder why?

So Zuko and Sokka get married and in their bedroom they’re like “it’s go time” and enact a super cunning and convoluted plan that gets Sokka outa there.

There’s some mishaps along the way. Azula catches Sokka often. Zuko gets handcuffed to the bed to stop him from helping Sokka. Zhao gets his hand blown off with a shotgun.

Iroh is revealed to be Actually Not That Bad and tries to help Sokka escape.

Lu Ten is revealed to be Actually Not Dead and helps Sokka escape.

As Zuko is about to leave with Sokka, ozai hits him with the classic “you can’t outrun your family. We are a part of you. Have you not enjoyed a live of privilege, as per the deal with the devil?”

And abuse-victim Zuko is like “you right, you right” and dramatically closes and locks the gates on Sokka and Lu Ten like “I’m sorry. I love you. But I have to answers for the sins of my family name.” And dips back into the manor.

Sokka is distraught by this, desperately trying to get back in before Best Cousin Ever Lu Ten reminds him about the servants’ passageways

Meanwhile, the sun is about to rise and Ozai is monologuing evilly to Zuko as the whole family (sans Lu ten, obviously) sits at the ritual table

“Without a sacrifice, [the devil] won’t be happy. Well, if it’s any consolation, at least I get to watch you burn” yada yada

But then ZUKO starts monologuing like “there is good in me and there is good in this family. We don’t deserve eternal damnation just for carrying Azulon’s name. Sokka made me see that.”

Turns to iroh like “you helped him escape so you’re good”

Turns to Azula like “are you really gonna try to tell me that your children are evil? They’re kids”

Even turns to ozai like “it’s never too late to change for the better. We don’t need a deal with the devil to be rich. We don’t even need to be rich. Let’s just enjoy the wealth of love that family provides” or some shit

Everyone has a change of heart like 30 seconds from dawn and there’s a begrudging group hug.

Except Ozai, of course.

Anyway, sun rises, Ozai explodes, they’re all covered in guts and blood.

Just then, Sokka and Lu Ten burst through the door.

Cue happy huggy kissy reunion.

Maybe an epilogue. A “where are they now” situation. Idk

The Enddddddd

[mendesstories]

Season of Firsts

Summary- It’s the season of new beginnings around the new Mendes household.

Word Count- 1035

taglist: @mendesficsxbombay (lemme know if you’d like to be added!)

a/n- Just a lil something short and sweet for the season! Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season!

From chummy get-togethers with the extended family to breaking in with new traditions of their own, it’s been a season of “firsts” around the new Mendes household.

It was their first Christmas as a married couple and the first one in this new home as well. They’d been at it for hours settling things around and decorating for Christmas.

The intoxicating aroma of the clove-studded orange candle she lit up brightens up the long winter night. They were far too late at setting up their Christmas tree but she was adamant that they do it at their own pace but do it beautifully the way she’d dreamed of for years and he was adamant that she got to be happy.

He’s humming along to  ‘Feliz Navidad’ playing on the speakers while putting up his share of the ornaments on their fresh and tall tree. She’s sitting on the floor beside him making a little crib. It wasn’t something his family did but it was a tradition to her. A Christmas without a crib, to her, was almost a sin.

She spent a good hour and a half drawing, cutting, finding art supplies in an attempt to recreate the nativity scene as realistically as she could. She borrowed some brown and blue clay from Aaliyah’s school supplies using it to make a small little well. Using old paper she lined the path to the well with small rocks. She went searching three stores to find fairy lights small enough to fit through the star above and to go around the border of the crib.

He’s always admired her patience and dedication when it came to creating art but this time he’s even more wonderstruck looking at the crib come together and he’s not sure why.

Perhaps because when he looks around he realises this is truly their home in all ways. He recalls when they were on the fifth date they drunkenly joked about having a place like this.

While they may have been joking deep down both of them secretly hoped that it would happen one day.

When he looks around he sees his wife creating something that’s important to her. Possibly starting a new tradition. His heart clenches as he imagines her doing this with their children someday. Teaching them about the significance and meaning. Teaching them to love and appreciate all that they have. He hopes they turn out as kind and loving as her.

This is peak romance he thinks

His eyes land on the kitchen counter. He knows he’s all thumbs in the kitchen but he’s still so excited to bake those fresh cookies with her in the morning and hand them to both sets of parents later on, proudly as though he crafted them from scratch.

Finally, after five years Shawn and her don’t have to figure out ways to split time with both families and each other. Come early tomorrow morning they would all be gathered here.

“Did you get the white chocolate and brown sugar?” She asks breaking him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, it’s in the kitchen. Why did we need white chocolate though? Aren’t we making regular cookies in the morning?”

“Yeah we’ll make the regular ones before everyone’s here but Aaliyah asked me if we could bake together. So, I thought we’d do those.”

“That should be fun. I already know she’ll be better at it than me.” He jokes.

He knows the younger Mendes has grown closer to her over the past year and a half as she’s gotten older. He’s glad the two of the most important women in his life have an irrevocable bond.

To be fair, he never thought hosting Christmas would involve so much preparation and he wishes he would have taken some notes from his mum all those years she did it. Nevertheless, he’s excited to see how it all pans out.

He hangs the last ornament and moves to crouch down beside her.

She smiles looking at him her eyes bright with excitement, “I’m almost done here. Does it look alright?”

She turns her attention back to the crib sticking down the last of the lights. He doesn’t reply but she continues to feel his gaze on her.

“What happened, bub?” She asks

A grin takes over his face and suddenly it’s like she doesn’t need a response from him anymore. She knows what he’s imagining and thinking.

The little decorations that they had left have now been put on hold. He stands up and puts his palm out to her.

“May I have this dance with you?” He jokes.

“You may indeed!” She laughs putting her smaller palms into his larger ones.

They slow dance to old Christmas music for what feels like a moment frozen in time. She rests her head against his chest and feels his heart beat faster. He whispers something along the lines of how she still manages to do that to him even after all these years. Now his words make her heart race. She takes a deep breath and all her senses are crowded by him.

With the warmth of his body against hers, the chill Toronto breeze outside can’t faze her. The familiar smell of his detergent. The lingering sweet taste of hot chocolate when he lifts her chin pulling her in for a soft and sweet kiss.

She recalls last Christmas, they were walking through a Christmas Market in Toronto, huddling together in attempts to stay warm. Mulled wine and cookies filled their stomachs while good times and laughter filled both their hearts with love and fondness.

She still remembers his rosy cheeks and loud laugh reverberating through her ears when she told him the story of how one Christmas she accidentally opened her older sisters gift from her fiance. She got so excited about the gift, no one had the heart to tell her it wasn’t meant for her. She only found out a few years later.

The clock strikes midnight. It’s Christmas Day. Nothing else matters to them right now apart from soaking in the happiness they bring into each other’s lives.

It’s 00:02 and it’s already the best Christmas they’ve ever had.  

This is peak romance he knows

[bartsugsy]

The Robron Break Ups: A Definitive Guide (Part Seven/How does one make the infinity sign on a keyboard)

Part One / Previous Part / All / AO3

Aaaaaand we’re back! Recap - Rob’s been shot and is in a coma, everyone is a suspect including our Aaron and now we’re firmly out of the Affair Era and into Who Shot Robert?

Thank you all for reading etc. You’ll quickly notice that we’re gonna SKIP THE HELL THROUGH ALL THIS BECAUSE I WANNA GET TO THE GOOD STUFF AYOOOOOO

ANYWAY, TIME TO FIND OUT HOW MANY TIMES ONE HUMAN CAN MENTION THAT AARON AND ROBERT ARE ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE DESPITE ALL THE HATRED AND WHATEVER. HAAAAAAY.

Part Seven: Hold Me Whilst I Fondle Your Life Support, My Love

Honourable Mention #23: 28th September 2015

So, Rob’s in a coma and everyone is being questioned by the police, Aaron included. Kerry tips an officer off to the fact that Aaron and Robert were all “hot and heavy” with each other. Aaron obviously doesn’t deny it, nor does he try to pretend that their relationship ended happily, but he tells the copper that it didn’t end badly enough for him to want to kill Robert.

Of course, literally MINUTES later, Aaron has taken himself off to the hospital to go visit his beloved coma Robert. They say that talking to coma patients is good for them, you know?

Only, Aaron is still GOD DAMN FURIOUS at Robert about the scrapyard argument and a little thing like almost dying isn’t gonna stop that, so this isn’t really so much a touching bedside scene as it is a MASSIVELY HORRIFYING DISPLAY OF COMPLETE HATRED.

HE STARTS OFF STRONG BY JUST SORT OF STROKING HIS FUCKING LIFE SUPPORT PLUG AS IF HE’S GONNA LITERALLY PULL IT AND END IT ALL HERE AND THERE AND TBH THAT SHOULD TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT THE INCREDIBLE SCENE YOU’RE ABOUT TO WITNESS.

AARON IS LIKE “SEEMS A SHAME NOT TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS” TO COMA ROB AND THEN HE FUCKIN CALLS HIM PATHETIC.

AND THEN!!!!!! HE LITERALLY FUCKIN!!!!!!!!!! JUST GOES TO TOWN, SAYS “NOT SO COCKY NOW, ARE YA” AND READS ROB FOR TREATING EVERYONE LIKE DIRT, “LIKE THEY DON’T MATTER”. HE SAYS THAT HE MADE EVERYONE'S LIVES HELL AND HE DIDN’T EVEN CARE. ROB RECKONS AARON’S TAPPED? WELL AARON RECKONS HE MUST BE FOR EVER FALLING FOR SOMEONE LIKE ROBERT.

WOO WOO WOO WOO SOUND THE SICK BURN ALARM

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD HOLY DAMN AARON DINGLE

FINALLY, AARON SAYS THAT THE ONLY PERSON HE WANTS TO HURT IS ROBERT - THAT NO ONE’S GONNA MISS HIM, SO HE SHOULD “HURRY UP AND DIE!

HURRY. UP. AND. DIE.

What a love story.

Also Chas overhears all of this and assumes that Aaron has shot Robert (all the while, Aaron thinks Chas shot him - it makes them both act very dodgy towards one another for a while).

Of course, Aaron hasn’t and he never would because, as I think we can all see,

Honourable Mention #24: 6th November - 16th November 2015

There’s loads more plot about who shot Robert blah blah blah and then Aaron gets wrongly arrested (actually, like a billion and one people get wrongly arrested, but Aaron’s is the one that sticks the longest) and because he’s Aaron and was literally only serving a prison sentence a year ago, he’s forced to remain in prison custody until his hearing. Aaron struggles and it’s awful but we don’t really see it so Rob is in a coma and Aaron is in prison and I am left missing my messy sons and bLAHHHH. Oh, at one point they try to wake Robert up from his coma and Aaron just hangs around the pub all day refusing to talk to anyone, because he wants to know how Robert is as soon as possible.

BUT ANYWAY LET’S FAST FORWARD TO WHEN ROBERT IS AWAKE OK GREAT.

SO ROB IS AWAKE AND HE’S ALL “AAHHH WHAT HAPPENED” AND THEN DIANE AND VIC HAVE TO TELL ROB THAT AARON HAS BEEN ARRESTED AND CHARGED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER AND ROB LOOKS FUCKING DESTROYED. Robert also doesn’t necessarily believe that Aaron did it - particularly given that the list of potential suspects is about eight miles long.

The fact that Robert’s behaviour has made him hated enough that MULTIPLE PEOPLE could have tried to murder him shakes him up enough that it actually sort of makes him rethink his entire life and attitude. Also, and I don’t know if it’s because near death experiences make you realise the fragility of life or whatever the hell, but he entirely gives up on his old “I WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH MY WIFE CHRISSIE” tune and instead decides to embrace what he really wants from his life - Aaron.

Uh. He’s just gotta make sure that Aaron didn’t try to kill him first.

Aaron and Chas have a chat (or, they did on the day Robert got shot) where Aaron says that he doesn’t know how to stay away from Robert, or stop loving Robert and that he thinks that maybe the only way he’ll ever be free is for Robert to just disappear. Oh, Aaron.

It’s not true, honestly. Aaron is stubborn as shit and while yes, he’ll always love Robert, I think that… if Rob had never gotten his act together, never even tried to be better than who he was in 2015, Aaron wouldn’t have really gone back there (outside of maybe the occasional cheeky hook up lbr).

Robert gets discharged from the hospital and moves in with Victoria. He’s walking around like a timid deer, because he’s still not convinced that Aaron shot him. He asks Vic about it again and says “how can someone who loved me do this?” and then he says that when he sees Aaron at the hearing, when Aaron looks Robert in the eye, Robert will “know”.

Sure, bee.

The morning of the hearing sees Victoria as the only person convinced that the police must have got it right and Aaron must have shot Robert. Andy and Adam go off to court to support Aaron (Andy because he’s crumbling under his guilt that Aaron is currently in prison because of something he and Ross did) and Robert once again questions whether Aaron could have done it. He says that he needs Aaron to tell him the truth. Which. Be careful what you wish for Rob lmao.

The hearing starts and Aaron stands up looking, frankly, pissed at the world. Robert makes a dramatic late entrance and he and Aaron come properly face to face for the first time since the Scrapyard argument. They stare at one another, Aaron processing the fact that Robert isn’t just still alive, but well enough to be walking around (considering the last time he saw him, Rob was in a coma) and Robert trying to confront the idea that Aaron could ever have tried to kill him. It’s amazing tbh. TENSION EVERYWHERE!

They’re both apparently so #shook by this 2 second meeting that they immediately both LOSE THEIR TINY DERANGED MINDS.

Aaron pleads ‘not guilty’ to attempted murder, obviously, and the judge sets the court date and orders that Aaron continue to be remanded in custody. Robert, who is apparently not satisfied with any of this because he’s still desperate to know whether Aaron did it or not, stands up and yells at Aaron to just “tell the truth”.

Aaron spins around and, because apparently he can’t keep himself in check either, says that, if Rob wants to hear the truth, he’s got some fucking truth bombs to drop because Robert dESERVED EVERYTHING HE GOT AND SHOULD HAVE DONE THE ENTIRE WORLD A FAVOUR AND DROPPED DEAD.

AARON, YOU’RE TRYING TO CONVINCE THEM YOU’RE NOT GUILTY, YOU LUGGAGE TAG.

Aaron gets dragged out of court and Robert and Vic leave, Rob reeling at the fact that Aaron could ever hate him that much. Andy comes out and starts yelling at Robert for… believing Aaron shot him… even though…. this specific situation is actually…. Andy’s fault……….. Oh, Andy.

Andy knows this much and he’s struggling™ with the fact that Aaron is in prison, which Ross realises. Given that Ross is the actual person who pulled the trigger and shot Robert, he emphatically reminds Andy that if he confesses, Andy will never see his kids again. Because prison. Andy gets drunk and sits at Katie’s grave crying (again). Ashley sees him and goes to try and console him and Andy takes this opportunity to drunkenly let slip that he knows Aaron is innocent and more than that, implies that he is responsible for Robert’s shooting.

Ashley, being a Man of God, decides to track down Robert and tries to find a way to tell him what he’s heard, whilst still respecting the fact that people speak to him as a vicar in confidence. Still, he can’t live with knowing that Aaron is innocent and ultimately decides to leave a voicemail for Andy and mentions almost everything he knows, and then tells him that either Andy goes to the police or Ashley will.

Only Ashley accidentally leaves a voicemail on Robert’s phone instead and Robert… well, he’s Robert, isn’t he?

ROB CALLS ANDY AND GETS HIM TO COME TO THE SCRAPYARD AND WHEN ANDY GETS THERE, ROB CONFRONTS HIM. HE ASKS IF AARON IS INNOCENT. ANDY DOESN’T RESPOND. ROBERT SAYS “OK BRUV TELL ME THIS!!!! WHAT DID YOU DO ANDY?????

WHAT

DID

YOU

DO

?”

Rob quickly puts together that, as Andy couldn’t have faked his alibi, he must have had someone do it for him. Andy goes to defend himself and Robert yells “STOP LYING YOU LIAR”

Getting shot has really knocked ol’ Robbo off his insult game, I’ll be honest.

Andy can’t deny that he was behind Robert’s shooting and Robert looks actually hella heartbroken about this. He gets his phone out and calls the police, but Andy knocks the phone out of Robert’s hand and breaks it. Robert gets into his car, presumably to drive to the police station instead and Andy gets in his own car to start an INSANE CAR CHASE.

In the end they both get out of their cars and just start yelling at one another.

Andy admits to being behind the shooting and Rob is all “SO HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY AARON TO DO IT? BET HE DIDN’T NEED MUCH” in a sad lil voice. Andy says that it wasn’t Aaron and Robert is all “SO HE’S INNOCENT” because Robert is NOT ABOUT AARON BEING IN PRISON TBH

HE’S REALLY NOT ABOUT THAT LIFE

Andy refuses to tell Robert who shot him, says it doesn’t matter because he did it, Andy is the one who is responsible. Rob is all “YOU REALLY HATE ME THAT MUCH?” and Andy’s like “YOU KILLED KATIE!!!!!” and look, I’m as sad as the next person that Andy’s wife is dead and tbh I get it

Your brother killed your wife.

You’re gonna be pissed.

It makes sense. I get it.

But sometimes don’t you kinda wanna tell Andy to change the record? Just a little?

Rob once again tries to explain that it was an accident but gives up halfway through, because Andy’s clearly never gonna hear it and then he’s all like “YOU WANNA BELIEVE I KILLED HER? FINE! I KILLED THE BITCH. SO YOU TRIED TO KILL ME. NO, ACTUALLY, YOU GOT SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT AND THEN YOU LET AARON TAKE THE BLAME”

Aaron taking the blame is a fundamental part of how pissed off Robert is, I need you all to understand this. If anyone else had been in prison, Rob probs wouldn’t have been careening down to the police station to sell Andy to the police quite so fast, let’s all be real here. Like, maybe eventually, but it wouldn’t have been the first thing Robert felt the need to do. Rob’s list of priorities on this day are, in no particular order:

Be upset that his brother hates him enough to try and kill him (again)

Free Aaron

Andy says he hasn’t killed Robert yet and Rob asks if he’s gonna finish the job off. It’s then that Andy points out that they’re at the same place where Max King died all those years ago - the accident that involved Andy and Max in one car and Robert in another, driving towards one another. Max grabbed the wheel and swerved at the last moment, leading to Andy and Max crashing. Robert pulled his brother out of the wreckage, Max died and Jack Sugden came along, placed the blame entirely on Robert and told him to leave the village.

They reminisce about this delightful moment where Robert and Andy were both involved in the death of another human and Andy says, in a strangely smug way, that that would have been the last time Robert ever spoke to Jack before he died. Robert can’t answer, but Andy pushes on, asks Robert what the last thing Jack said to Robert was.

Rob, now crying, says “Which part? The part where he put all the blame on me? Or the bit where he called me a lunatic and told me to just drive away forever and don’t come back?” as Andy yells, “DON’T COME BACK, YES” and tells Robert that he should have listened to him.

I get that I’m just transcribing this scene but it’s one of my favourite Robert scenes ever so WHY MAKE JOKES WHEN I CAN JUST BASK IN HOW FUCKIN INCREDIBLE IT IS?????

ROBERT IS EVEN MORE UPSET NOW, STILL CRYING, AND SAYS TO ANDY “YOU KILLED MUM AND HE HELPED YOU. MAX DIES AND HE DECIDES TO SEND ME AWAY?”

AND ANDY REALISES THE CRUX OF IT, WHAT THE PROBLEM HAS ALWAYS BEEN - THAT JACK LIKED ANDY MORE THAN HE LIKED ROBERT.

Andy of course, never realised that Jack knew about Robert’s bisexuality and beat him because of it, which is another ever-present unspoken layer to the immensely complicated and fraught Jack/Robert relationship - and the Robert/Andy relationship. Jack loved Andy so much more and Andy was the one who was straight. That shit can fuck you up, you know?

Robert says he tried - he tried to get away, as far away from the village as possible, but maybe it’s fate that they’re in this field. Maybe there’s only one way for them both to break this cycle of just… hating one another. Andy says he could - he could kill Robert and Robert tells him to and then Robert just fuckin loses it - tells Andy that this doesn’t end here, that Andy can’t just drive away, that Robert will come for him.

And then they both get in their cars and get ready to fuckin chicken 2.0 like the insane little boys they are.

Families are weird.

Ultimately, Robert swerves, but Andy doesn’t and he flips his entire car.

Robert sees and goes to drive off, leaving Andy to die or whatever, but he can’t do it and instead pulls Andy from the wreckage again, saving his life. He does this all with a gun shot wound, by the way, which is fairly impressive.

Vic and Adam choose this moment to pull up - Adam saw Andy and Rob fighting earlier and told Vic. They call the ambulance and everyone gets out safe and sound.

At the hospital, Vic is demanding answers but neither brother offers up the truth. Once they’re alone, Robert immediately asks Andy what they’re going to do about Aaron, because he can’t go down for something he didn’t do. Andy says he knows and he’ll sort it and then reiterates that he still sort of wants to kill Robert. Robert says that he tried to leave Andy but couldn’t, because no matter what either of them do, they’re brothers. Robert says that Emmerdale is where his family is and he can’t leave.

Ultimately Andy says that they can’t go on like this. He says that maybe he can believe that Katie was an accident, even if he’ll never forgive Robert for the rest of it - but the violence stops here.

Robert leaves and, apparently not content with Andy’s commitment to help Aaron ~~~at some point one day~~~, immediately calls DS Hart and gives a false description of his shooter that clears Aaron’s name.

The village reacts and everyone keeps saying the words “Robert got Aaron off” and I laugh every damn time.

Aaron gets home a few days later and returns as Rob is having a drink in the pub. They make eyes at one another and Aaron texts Robert to meet him outside - apparently to yell at Robert and accuse him of keeping him locked up just to mess with Aaron’s head.

AND IT’S FASCINATING BECAUSE ROB IS ALL SOFT WITH AARON AND WANTS TO MAKE SURE HE’S OK AND AARON IS LIKE “HAHAHAHA I HATE YOU XOXOXO” AND STORMS OFF AND LIKE

THIS IS THE START OF ONE OF MY FAVOURITE UNDERRATED ROBRON PERIODS: THE PERIOD WHERE AARON HATES ROBERT’S GUTS AND ROBERT IS OPENLY HEAD OVER FUCKING HEELS IN LOVE WITH AARON AND KEEPS MANUFACTURING EXCUSES TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM.

IT’S AMAZING.

Honourable Mention #25: 27th November - 30th November 2015

SO, it turns out that watching Robert get shot in front of her sadly left Chas with PTSD. Whilst suffering undiagnosed with, among a lot of other symptoms, hypervigilance and paranoia, Chas accidentally stabs Diane. Chas turns herself in and both Robert and Aaron spend the night terrified for the well-being of their mums. They have a little confrontation outside the pub the morning after and Aaron goes to leave, on his way to see Chas at the Police station with Paddy. Rob is all, “THAT’S RIGHT, RUN AWAY” and Aaron is all, “I’M NOT RUNNING ANYWHERE MATE” and they have some sexy angry eye contact and it’s great.

Also at this time is Chrissie’s trial for accidentally killing all those people. Robert is a key witness and Chrissie is hella concerned he’s going to throw her under a bus to get his own back for dumping him, or something. Lachlan hears this and corners Robert in the Cafe and asks him to do the decent human thing for once and not fuck over his mum. As he leaves the Cafe, Aaron enters - Aaron thinks that Robert knows who shot him and that maybe the guilty person was after Chas and has been responsible for stalking her ever since and ultimately driving her to stabbing Diane.

Aaron approaches Rob and says that he wants to talk and Rob is all “OH, ABOUT UR CRAZY MUM STABBING MY MUM”. Carly, who is serving at the counter, is all pack it in or take it outside, while Aaron is giving Robert a warning of “careful”.

Aaron then turns to Carly and says “bring his drink over, we’ll be over here” because Aaron knows he can still get Robert to do whatever the fuck he wants god bless.

It’s real real real real love.mp3

ROB ROLLS HIS FUCKING EYES AND LOOKS #TIRED BUT HE FUCKIN WALKS OVER TO AARON AND SITS THE FUCK DOWN ANYWAY.

AND THEN ROB IS LIKE, “WHAT?” AND TBH HE SOUNDS LIKE HE’S HALF USING HIS SOFT AARON VOICE. AARON ASKS HOW DIANE IS AND ROB SAYS THAT HE’S NOT TALKING TO AARON ABOUT THAT. AARON SAYS THAT HIS MUM IS IN BITS AND ROB NOT ONLY DOESN’T CARE BUT IS HAPPY THAT CHAS IS SUFFERING WITH ALL THAT STABBY GUILT.

AARON IS LIKE, “I NEED TO KNOW WHO DID THIS TO HER” AND THEN ASKS IF ROBERT IS SURE HE DOESN’T KNOW WHO SHOT HIM. ROBERT TRIES TO ACT #CASUAL BC HE DOESN’T WANT TO GET HIS BROTHER INTO SHIT AND AARON IS LIKE “WELL MY MUM THOUGHT THEY WERE AFTER HER AND NOT YOU” AND THEN ASKS ALL THESE QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT ROBERT REMEMBERS ABOUT THE SHOOTER.

APPARENTLY ROB’S DESCRIPTION TO THE POLICE WAS “A TALL BLOKE” WHICH I GUESS AUTOMATICALLY EXCLUDED AARON.

RUDE.

AARON IS STILL PRESSING ROBERT AND ROB ISN’T SAYING ANYTHING BECAUSE HE DOESN’T KNOW WHO THE FUCK ACTUALLY PULLED THE GOD DAMN TRIGGER. AARON GETS MORE AND MORE DESPERATE, BECAUSE HIS MUM IS STRUGGLING, AND ENDS UP SAYING “ROBERT, PLEASE” AND ROB, BEING FUCKING WEAK AGAINST AARON BEING ALL VULNERABLE AND SAD AND SHIT, LOOKS ALL SAD AND CONCERNED.

AARON SAYS HE’S DESPERATE AND ROB CRACKS AND SAYS THAT IT WASN’T SOMEONE WHO WAS AFTER CHAS. AARON SAYS THAT ROBERT CAN’T KNOW THAT AND ROBERT SAYS, POINT BLANK, “I DO KNOW. HE WASN’T AFTER YOUR MUM. HE WAS AFTER ME. AND IT’S OVER NOW”

HE SOUNDS V UPSET ABOUT IT, SO I GUESS HE’S STILL NOT OVER HIS BROTHER TAKING A LITERAL HIT OUT ON HIM.

AARON QUESTIONS HIM AGAIN AND ROBERT ASKS AARON TO JUST TRUST HIM, THEN GETS UP TO LEAVE. AARON STANDS UP AND GRABS ROBERT’S ARM (....HAND???) AND ROB SPINS AROUND AND LIKE THEY COULD BE JUST HAVING SEX RIGHT HERE TBH THEY COULD BE BANGING RIGHT ON BOB’S FLOOR, JUST LOOK AT ALL THIS EYE CONTACT I’M HAVING THE BEST FUCKING TIME

ANYWAY, AARON LOOKS ROBERT DEAD IN THE EYE AND SAYS “YOU KNOW WHO SHOT YOU DON’T YOU.” AND IT’S NOT A QUESTION. ROB SAYS THAT THE PERSON WHO TRIED TO KILL HIM HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH CHAS AND HE SHOULD JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT AND THEN HE LEAVES.

Basically, they’re in love.

Honourable Mention #26: 1st December - 14th December 2015

Rob stands up in court and basically takes the blame for sending Chrissie to the brink and his hair looks terrible. Aaron tells Cain that Robert’s shooter had nothing to do with Chas and Cain says “WELL YOU’RE NOT THE BEST JUDGE WHEN IT COMES TO ROBERT, ARE YOU?” and like… fair play tbh. Other stuff happens and Chas ultimately gets treatment for her PTSD because Aaron refuses to give up until he gets answers and then until he gets help because he’s wonderful, even if his hair is not.

Robert warns Andy that Aaron might start asking questions about the shooting and Andy is like AARON AIN’T GONNA LET THIS DROP, HE’S AARON. SHUT HIM DOWN. like some sort of demented failure of a mob boss and Robert looks concerned and stuff. Also Robert would never be able to shut Aaron down~~ lbr.

Doug is not really much of a believer in Chas’ PTSD. He decides to open the pub at the same time as Zak and Aaron decide to do the same and the three clash over Diane and Chas. Doug and Zak ultimately decide to try and run the pub together, even though they’re arguing like cats and dogs.

Aaron and Robert bump into each other round the back like Romeo and fuckin Juliet, what with their families all ancient blood breaks to new mutiny etc. Robert says he’s sorry about Chas’ PTSD diagnosis and Aaron gives him a civil little nod. Except Rob is really trying to get Aaron off the scent of who shot him - which Aaron realises immediately.

See, Aaron cared about finding out for his mum, yes, but now that she’s getting help, he’s switched to caring about finding out who the fuck he served all that god damn time in prison for. And he ain’t resting til he knows “who pulled that trigger and why [Robert is] protecting them”.

Classic rivalry.

Doug is out working the bar and talking shit about the Dingles and Chas’ PTSD. No one is here for Doug’s misunderstanding of her mental health but especially not Aaron, who starts threatening Doug because threatening violence against old people is Aaron’s speciality.

Aaron retreats to the back and Robert follows him, spotting a cheeky lil opportunity.

He walks in there and says “You really need to listen” and Aaron isn’t really here for that, he’s mostly just worried about his mum. Rob is all, “You want Doug off your case and I’m your man” and Aaron says “YOU’RE NEVER GONNA BE THAT AGAIN XOXO” loooooool jokes not even slightly true good one baaaaabe

Robert is like “...maybe I deserve that” (whilst dying inside probs) and then says that maybe he can get Aaron to trust him again at least.

LIKE. ROBERT IS DOING THIS TO COVER ANDY’S TRACKS BUT HE’S ALSO HELLA DOING THIS TO TRY AND INCH BACK INTO AARON’S GOOD BOOKS AGAIN. WE NEED TO ALL JUST REALISE THIS REALITY.

AARON IS ALL “YOU KNOW WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR UR SHOOTING BITCH” AND ROBERT IS JUST FULL ON LIKE “YEP BUT IT’S NOT WHAT U THINK” and tbh at this point Aaron should have just assumed it was Andy bc who the fuck else out of the suspects would he cover for?

BUT ANYWAYS, ROB IS LIKE “I SWEAR ON DIANE’S LIFE I DON’T KNOW WHO SHOT ME” and that’s the truth i guess god bless. He then adds on, “it’s about a grudge that’s been going on a long time and you digging is only gonna fuck this up even more smh” which. Again. How does Aaron not put two and two together here god damn.

ANYWAYS Rob realises that Aaron has no reason to trust him so he offers him a deal - Aaron stops digging and Robert will get Doug off Chas’ case. Aaron accepts but says that if Robert lets him down, he won’t stop.

Because Aaron knows not to trust Robert.

CUT BACK TO THE BAR and Aaron and Rob are chilling out whilst Doug is still talking shit, bless him.

Aaron starts up the threats again and Rob tries to get onto Doug’s good side and then offers to have a word with Aaron. Aaron is all “what the hell bitch where’s your end of the bargain” and Rob is like “I am working on it but maybe try cutting out the fucking death stares” and then Aaron threatens Doug again because… idk Aaron just loves threatening violence against old people, it’s amazing.

Rob tries to get on Doug’s level by saying HEY LET’S PROVE CHAS IS FAKING HER PTSD and then suggests that they speak to Emma to get her to help prove it. Emma comes along and Robert and Doug go and sit with her to talk. Robert asks Aaron to help Zak behind the bar while they talk and Aaron, absolutely unwilling to help Robert help Chas, is all “since when did you give out orders?” and Rob rolls his eyes and says “Just do it please” and honestly

They’re basically married fight me.

Emma tells Doug that Chas is absolutely not faking her PTSD and that the doctors who have diagnosed her would know if she were trying to fake it to get off from punishment of stabbing Diane. Doug accepts this and offers Aaron an apology, because he’s a good and pure soul.

Aaron is characteristically the least fucking grateful human at Doug in response to this, but he gives Robert a little nod in thanks all the same.

THEY. ARE. IN. LOVE.

OK YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M STOPPING THIS HERE BECAUSE BABY, WE’RE HEADING INTO A NEW ERA IN THE NEXT PART, AS WE ALL WELL KNOW. Thank u for reading and i love u all.

Next up: Robert and Aaron might not technically be together, but emotionally speaking they’re back in a god damn relationship and there’s nothing u can do about it.

[byron1]

Microwave door bouncer to keep you from eating garbage. "Where do we Go now" guns & roses/ picking a restaurant Fallout joke: I was at work while you cheating all day. Punchline: I never even got to cheat AND she would tell me about her bounty EVRyday SKIT: Danielle cooking pie (or anything really) and you have headphones on improve rapping to her and it sounds good to me but cut to her with no music and she looks at me very annoyedly Opener: Walks on stage, grabs mic and lays down. "Instead of stand up up I'm gonna try "lay down", it's way more comfortable.. That joke needs a Mitch headberg voice" repeat joke in Mitch headberg voice "com-fort-able" Hotel TV remotes have never been cleaner. Everybody on the phone watching porn and Netflix. The last person to use a hotel remote for porn died years ago Terminator cop in San Diego -what it felt like on mushrooms (terminator slo mo walk by) -what really happened (cop just walks by and shrugs) "Whenever I start dating a girl I buy her a really nice, big purse as a gift. ...Cuz she's gonna be carrying a bunch of my shit around for the next 4 1/2 months" - jack bliss Old west - duel going on in the middle of town. Mayor stops everything -"what are you guys arguing about" "is it worth dying over? I mean I can look this up on my phone" Mayor looks it up on the phone and who ever was wrong gets shot with no countdown ..Watch a little porn. Once you get too familiar with a site you drift to the lesser known porn sites ...This particular website has a top 50 viewed videos.. And you can sort em by 1 day, 7 days, 30 days, and my favorite, "all-time". ..That's just a buncha like minded individuals helpin' each other out.. But you can always tell when a bunch of likeminded weirdos find the site cuz for the 1 Day Most Viewed, it's just a ton of videos of people peein' on each other. And now it's like "maaaan, now I'm not even in the mood. AND I'm disappointed in you PornoTime, I didn't even now that was so prevalent on your site!" And it's usually on a Sunday... All you pee heathens jerkin off on the toilet with your computers on your laps should be at church! But then I'm like ".....let's see what all this hype is about" If I eat Asian food and drink a glass of milk, will I explode? Asians they don't drink milk! I think it's cuz they know. It's like when you have Indian or real African neighbors and that food smell just permeates ev-er-y thing. Unpleasant for the most part. Asians think white people smell like rotten cheese or like the cow aushwitz off the 5. <----Cowlinga. Nasty place. I was on a road trip with my wife and "she's tired" (bitchy voice) so she wants to stop for the night. At night she couldn't tell but in the morning when that sun came up?.. And that stink starts stinkin?.. She's like "oh those poor Asians. We should stop eating cheese for them" And then she puked. Friendricks Smitreaux - hands too small, not allowed in Burger King. Has quarrels. (Jack) Calling GameStop, having a nerdy conversation, with a funny voice. Rb movie voice could be a thing. Do you have x y z Round table pizza local interview podcast Wife's mom with gigantic fat pet and gets scolded by vet. Mom is pissed new underwear lint gets stuck to your dick. About to get a blowjob and she freaks out cuz there's fuzzy berries all over your jimmy wang dong. (Explain in between these sentences how fuzz sticks to your dick when you have new unwashed out of the box underwear) I've done this to my wife since we started dating "Chivalry Gone Wild" - pushing girls out of the way to open the doors for them. Later girl has chivalry ptsd (now she shivers when a guy reaches for the check at a restaurant) "Once I got roofied..." Story ensues "Once I had a crazy dream..." Story ensues Either way you're bored Went into the bank, for the candy of course, why else would you go inside these days. As I reach for the candy, the lady behind the counter says "DON'T TAKE THAT CANDY!...... It's super old.. Here take this, I have a 'secret stash' back here" I was like "You Smoke Weed, huh?" No I didn't say that, I just did the stoner laugh, which basically communicates the same message I have road rage. Like.. bad. But they're really cracking down on that now. I mean you can't even throw the bird these days. So I'm trying to advocate this, in place of the bird, you hit the rear window spray 2 times. (doesn't work if your window is dirty) I'm trying to spread this so people know I'm insulting them..... Also the "up hand", thumbs up is for assholes...... I just don't want road rage to go away, you know?! Went to the grocery store at night and someone was sleeping in the car I parked in front of. I see a middle finger come over the dash. I quickly kill my headlights and the middle finger turns into a thumbs up and recedes below the dash. I like that person.. Soccer needs timeouts like catholic priests need to be able to fuck. Flopping soccer players = selabate priests Lost lake truck sinks into water. Guy goes back for cigarettes brings one pack instead of the ENTIRE CARTON White people now can only do other ethnicities voices while reading a name. (List 3 different "ethnic" names) Buttercup story: weed in New York Trying to get a random buddy to be the third player in the game of RISK is like trying to get a random girl to come back to your house and suck you AND your buddies dicks. "Wanna play a game of risk?" Shit no Instead of people saying "Grizzly Adams DID have a beard" I think we should change it to "Kurt Cobain DID have a gun" "no I swear I don't have a gun" ...too soon?! Liqueur Control Board. Two young kids walk into a bar. They order jäger. Liquor Control comes in and says to the bartender: "do you those kids you served are underaged?" Bartender says "you're out of your Jurisdiction!!! Call the Liqueur Control Board!!" Liqueur Control Board shows up lookin like French cops "(( assholeish French accent thing here))" I work construction..... (Frown face) You THINK you want to shit in a freshly clean porta-potty. But that's not the case. You drop any size turd in that blue water and it's coming back up to splash your asshole. You need a big pile of turd to cushion the blow. I frequent a sports bar, and they allow kids in a certain section and sometimes you don't see these children behind you. So you day-drunkenly yell out "well I can't exactly tit fuck 'er, but they're perfectly shaped!" ((Rule of thirds here, needs 2 more examples)) History Lesson: •Good at art cuz no porn - there was much better art, and I mean paintings, back in the days of yore. Do you know why so many iconic paintings come from this era?! Because there was no porn. You think these guys (Rembrandt, Van Gogh, Monet) weren't drawing weird sex stuff in their spare time?! Of course they were. People think porn took over in vhs days but it's gone back much further than you think Way back in the day, I don't think they had the ADA (American Dental Association), but if they did it would be The Association of Guys that Own Pliers. If you had a tooth ache in the 18th century, your barber would pull your tooth!.. Guess the barber had a set of pliers.. therefore making him.. also a dentist. Hatred for people with red hair bleed over from hatred for the Irish? I just found out I'm Irish.. My dad was adopted and he just did the genealogy thing. Piss on a stick, or something.... I may be thinking of something else.. Anyway, it makes a ton of sense cuz my mom was Swiss. And if you know anything about the Swiss, they don't tend to takes sides, (hmhrph wwii). So when I get high, I'm Swiss: "hey whatever your views man, let's just have a dialogue.. Orrr not, I really have no stance on the issue." But when I drink whiskey: ..I wanna fight people. And I'm not a big guy soooo, I try not to drink whiskey.. I try to test myself against my friends, but they are all bigger than me so it never ends well. There is one guy who's bigger than me, but I can just psychologically break him down, and it's all true so I always win. And those other big guys are around and laughing so I have some protection. Things like "good thing those chicks can't see how many times you swipe right, otherwise they would call you a "Desperate Bitch!" Or: "you're so pathetic, how do you not have a crescent wrench?!" Things like that. One Friday night, He was a coward and attacked me while I was fall over baby deer legs drunk. We shut the bar down and as we're walking out he shoves me and I go flying into the ashtray. Butts are flyin.. I was not happy with him and I think I had some whiskey that night because I plotted revenge for the next day, I say "I'm gonna fuck this guy up". Saturday morning we always go back to the bar for breakfast. He says "you gonna be at the bar for breakfast?" I say "yeah buddy, 20 minutes". That's when I start loading the quarters into the sock. But yeah, whiskey makes me angry, I guess. Did anyone notice how the hitler youth haircut came back right around the time most of the wwii vets were pretty much all dead? The hipsters were scared of some old vet having a flashback to the war. "YOU.. NAZI.. BASTARD!!!" So my wife says to me while we're in the kitchen, out of nowhere, and I quote, "yeah I drop craisins" I'm thinking this is some new thing the kids are doing. Then she points to the floor and..there is a craisin. She says "watch this" and shoves a gigantic handful in her mouth and a few fall on the floor. She then walks away Slava drug store story. "What kind of a name is that?!" Shia vs. Tink The wiener dog comes in the house, if it smells the cat, he goes crazy. (Killed the neighbor tea cup something or another) the cat hears his collar and jumps up out of range and watches us shower the dog with love. ((Cats reaction is the punchline)) "What the fuck, that dude is trying to kill me!! Benedict friggin Arnolds" Danielle: "Willy Wonka" is like "Saw" for kids Never touch a mans belt buckle. Cuz they drape their balls over them while taking a piss "Hey lesbians, do you have your gloves in the car? They said yes. Well let's get a pickup game going! Hunters heroin people story - "she's sucking his DICK!" MMA fighter goes back in time to 1907. Breaks 1907's guys wrist because of his dumb boxing stance Lady at rite aid going through gender reassignment. I use my chip and she tells me to slide. I say "yeah we're going through a transitional phase right now" instantly realize what I just said Back to the bar. Being a smoker you know everybody's car.. you've seen them come and go enough because you're that much of an alcoholic and smoke on the half hour for the six hours you're there. (Well not you, me) So you'll walk up to the bar and be like "oh hello, jacks car, let's just lift up your windshield wipers there buddy" or "oh yup, Old Man Roy parked like a dick again.." Or "Hey look! there's Kevin's truck, let's draw a dick on it". <---Another thing about being a smoker that brings me joy, is watching the horror on people's faces when they scape the plastic underneath their bumper when pulling to close to the curb. I always give a look implying "you just fucked up your bumper!" Bar, Interior: If I'm on my phone and you come sit next to me at the rail, do not get on your phone, cuz then I feel like we look like assholes and I put my phone away.. But I still have shit to do so you're really being a real monkey wrench in my operation People who do bird calls: trying to trick birds? Stock internet passwords make you seem like an insane person. Jolly ocean 3, rapid pineapple 0. An insane person looks at it and goes "....that works. No need to even change it.." Bevmo event planner needs an option for your alcoholic friends. 3 pictures. What do your friends look like at the end of the night; 1. Someone smiling 2. Hot mess 3. Just a toilet Sleeping in the wrong car overnight My wife put my jerk off blanket out for people to use. "You sicko!! You were gonna let my friends use that blanket" I'm thinking of the scenario where somebody goes to grab and I say "oh that's my baby blanket, I don't know how that got out here, let me get you another one.." And..((eyebrow)) I wouldn't be lying about the baby blanket thing. Old men's memory's are bad because their spank banks are 70 years full. Head Bobbers of Noddingham My wife said "you know how I know you're an alcoholic? Because your handwriting is shit but your numbers are beautiful. Signing tabs everyday for the last 10 years will do that" You know what really freaks out the ladies? When you immediately realize what you did wrong. You start apologizing too soon and it somehow makes things much worse. So if you one day have an immediate realization about something you did wrong... Play the dumb card for a day or 3 to make it seem like you've put deep thought into your mistake. Skinny guys dating fat chicks: what if she gets cold, how can you share your jacket?! My dad was adopted and finally did that genetics test •"spit"• hey, we're Irish. That makes a ton of sense. Too much whiskey and all of the sudden I get ridiculous agry Power went out in target. Here's how weird I am: I stole a snoop dogg cd and a Björk cd. To all women: if one is partaking upon a banana in public, use a knife. This will discourage onlookers. #yesallwomen Anyone old enough to send away "proof of purchases" for a prize from the back of a cereal box? Had to ask your mom for $2.50 to cover shipping and handling.. Waiting for it made you realize there is no true instant gratification. The waiting! Everyday: did it arrive, mother?!... No? (sulk away) then FINALLY when your 6 piece Lego set shows up you think: "I'm 27 I don't care about Legos anymore!" (Needs a tag) ((maybe:)) but I forgot to pull out when I was 21 so my 6 yr old will enjoy it) Old phone when unlocked will have a random screen of something from earlier. Sometimes it's porn. Gotta be careful Nowadays you see an old lady walking around and you think "that lady looks as old as my grandma when I was 9. She's got the old lady hair, the old lady sweater, old lady shoes, old lady jewelry" but then she has some rockin' tits! They do a "facelift" for those titties Gotta be careful watching porn with headphones. The getting caught factor isn't even what I mean, I leave one ear off for that. I only do les porn with headphones. cuz you don't need some dude "ugh ugh ugh! Oh Ya baby suck that cock" RIGHT IN YOUR ear. Not what I'm goin for there. White people always put housin sauce in the pho. Next to the bar I go to is a pho place. Smoking with Paul Teaching us how after we go in drunk.. (Housen sauces for dippin the meat)((white people put it in the broth)) "oh really?? Cut to me at home- it's delicious!!" Free bottle of siracha Pouring the old pho in the toilet ("how else do you get rid of old pho?!") How pissed off are you when someone in a Tesla SUV doesn't open their back doors? "Lemme see that back to the future sheeeit!" Old guy coughing sounds like someone taking crap to you. "What the hell did you say to me, old man?