#i keep forgetting that. i overlook it because i dont like myself and i prefer to see myself as having the depth of a piece of paper

[kkoct-ik]

why am i so many people

[phila-mbatha]

The Misguided Man

I was unaware of how dishonest I would have to become in order to conceal the whirlwind of heedless thoughts that pursued my mind. I was secretly vanishing from the inside, losing myself by the second. It scared me, however not enough to admit that I needed help. In fact, I am a man, it is my duty to endure. I would religiously chant this statement to myself whenever I went through tough times or felt the urge to confide in someone. Not realizing that the pride attached to my aspiration of becoming a man was depriving me of my birthright to feel and embrace emotion.

What is a man? Apart from observation. I had no Idea. I was never directly taught what it is to be a man. Growing up I would page through mens magazines, immerse myself in television and quietly watch the way my neighbour, the few men in my family and the odd stranger would interact with their friends, wives and children. These were thelittle resources I had to help me mould the image of an ideal man.

My father was strict, tough and heavy handed, a man of few words. He never showed much emotion. Apart from anger and rare glimpses of affection, in the the 16 years he lived with us I had only seen him cry once, at my late grandmothers funeral. Our relationship never quite blossomed. It resembled a monotonous ritual of commands and confronations. Him the intimidating master. I the incompetent servant. Before he moved out, I don't recall us ever having a warm and meaningful conversation.

He left the house when I was 16 years old. Assured that I, my mother and younger sister were failing to competently endorse his authority. In contrast, I believe he left because he was failing to become the man he was taught or thought himself to be.

My mother was permanently employed. My father, however, struggled to find employment and as a result my mother more often than not sustained us financially. I suppose the reality of not being able to provide for his family is what covertly caused him to forfeit his role as both a husband and a father.

I never learnt much from him, however, I dont blame him for his shortcomings. I suppose he was amongst the many victims of the age old male mantra. The one that insists that a man is tough, a man is confident, a man never cries, a man always provides. These almost universally accepted "principles" seem to be passed down from one generation to the next. Unquestioned, unexamined. Instead, like the long arm of the law they are meticulously emposed to bend you into submission.

It is almost taboo for a boy to express emotion, anger hypocritically being an exception. It seems as though boys are being raised to become sophisticated contradictions, strong and bold on the surface yet in reality fragile and sensitive on theinside.

Our entertainment and competition driven culture further supplements and reinforces this psychological fallacy. It insinuates that the more aggresive a sport is, the more manly it is percieved to be. The more guns and violence laced in a high budget action movie, the more ideal it is for male consumption.

Alcohol advertisements are perpetually enticing men to believe that drinking a specific brand of beer will accredit them the status of being champions, simultaneously cultivating their prominence as men.

Not forgeting to mention the ever escalating obsession with power both in our relationships with the opposite sex and also as it relates to objects such as cars, tools and artillery.

In my neighbourhood, there is a rising number of men, young and old who place much value in possessing guns being feared, exercising violence and breaking the law. Their role models are both the real life and movie characters that embody the personas and conduct of drug dealers, pimps, prison inmates and con artists. They worship money and alcohol. They despise the police, find pleasure in being ungovernable and see no value in education. They are the absent fathers and abusive boyfriends who have abandoned their souls to pursue an illusive ideal. They are defined by the cars they drive, the clothes they wear and the amount of woman they aquire.

I am learning however, that this grimm reality is not unique to my neighbourhood. There are many communities that are also suffering from the adverse affects of miseducated men.

Furthermore, majority of mainstream music videos are seemingly setting the standard of how men relate to woman. Their themes and lyrics are laced with misogyny and explicitly sexual references that encourage and celebrate promiscuity. The woman in these videos are commonly portrayed as objects of pleasure, to be possessed and discarded as one pleases. The message I often absorb from these themes is that money is able to buy me unprecedented dominion over woman, subsequently granting me the liberty to use them as I please. What is even more alarming is that the bulk of people that are comsuming this content are young men and woman who idolize these "artists" and as a result mimick their behaviour and futher perpetuate the well marketed immorality.

Despite this reality it is crucial to acknowledge that woman have come a long way from being mere child bearers and housewifes. They have become increasingly independent and in some cases hold positions that were previously exclusive to men. Their independence however has not always been met with complete adulation. Some men still believe that a woman's duty is restricted to serving her husband and raising their children. This proves that men - to a certain degree - have struggled to accomodate this transition not because it benefits woman but because it limits men's "prescribed" authority towards woman, which in turn pacifies their "supposed" manliness.

Another consensus that seems to have been reached in the male domain is one that concerns the male physique. It appears that the more muscular a man is the more deserving he is to be called a man, thus increasing the pressure to not only to be a man but to also look like a man. The result is that some men spend more time building muscle instead of building character.

It is important no to overlook the health and spritual benefits of physicsl excercise. However it is equally important to note that in some occassions, as it relates to thesubject of manliness, the effort to attain a muscular physique can be linked to theprospect of attracting woman. This then points towards a need for approval, which appears to have attached itself to the plight of attaining manhood. For this reason a number of men use their physical appearance as a instrument to measure self-worth.

In addition, the issue of sexuality futher complicates the concept of manhood. Since the legalization of gay mariages, it has become very obvious that the world is slowly coming to terms with the reality of homosexuality. In contrast to the overly flamboyant and loud image that is commonly paddled by the media, the formal and well groomed muscular male is equally capable of being gay. In this regard, it seems that the ideal image of a man is quite open to personal interpretation.

The deeper I look into the concept of manhood the more ambigous it appears to be. It almost feels like I've been tricked to subscribe to a prescribed mentality that has been indiscernibly woven into the social fabric our time. A mentality that requires external validation to keep it functioning.

Whether concious or unaware, it appears that men are persuaded to endlessly thrive towards dominance and control. And ones level of involvment in these pursuits tends to either establish or disprove ones social credibilty as a "real man".

I do however believe that there is more to a man than an expensive suit, a puffed up chest, a strong handshake and a formidable bank balance. Surely the heart and spirit of a man are as vital if not more crucial than the social expectations that accompany the title of man.

Power, dominance, control, aggression, affluence. Are these the simplified qualities of a man? Can he not be loving, kind hearted, affectionate, sensitive and humble. Not only that but can he not confidently express these traits publicly withouth being ridiculed and distinguished as being weak, timid and even gay.

The late Photographer Ansal Adams once said :

"No man has the right to dictate what other men should percieve, create or produce, but all should be encouraged to reveal themselves, their perceptions and emotions, and to build confidence in the creative spirit."

With this observation in mind it becomes very clear that there is an almost invisible social and psychological template that has been cunningly  cast over us to manipulate and regulate human behaviour. It tells us that blue is for boys and pink is for girls; that woman are flimsy and men are fierce; the male is born to govern while the female inherits the legacy of submitting. As a result most men I have observed work hard at suppressing emotions consequently denying their spouses, children and friendships the sincere warmth they deserve, all in the name of upholding this insidious title of manhood.

The tighter I hold on to it the deeper it cuts. And as I let go of the habit of holding on to pain, the uncertainty that lies ahead abrubtly shakes my heart to its foundations. I will have to embrace the parts of me that I have taught myself to neglect.

In retrospect the realization has reminded me of my choice to define what a man is, in fact, I have chosen to look pass the entire concept of manhood an instead place more value on the "human element" that we all poses regardless of our gender, race; class and sexual preference. Self-appreciation, moral integrity, love, faithfulness and respect for all people. These are the principles that I now choose to live by, both personally and interpersonally.

However, in the back of my mind two questions remain unanswered. How long will a man be defined by the house he lives in, the car he drives, the suit he wears and the amount of women he sleeps with? And how long will the miseducation of men continue?