#i know he wouldn't have been awake and he wouldn't remember this bc of memory drugs stop it im having Fun

[sword-is-bored]

Can I request a botw Link x reader. They we're best friends pre calamity and they awake in the shrine of resurrection together. Link realising his friend would've had to die in order to be resurrected but it makes no sense bc his friend wasn't in battle. His friend unalived so he wouldn't be alone when he woke up

OH MY GOD YES

The Bestest

Tw!! SH and Su!c!de mentions!

Those fuzzy words. Link. They echoed in his head. He sat up in the water, looking around the place. It was cold and confusing, stuffy as well. He tried to move his legs and found he couldn’t. Link peered down, finding another body with him. He wanted to panic, his instincts told him to panic. However, seeing another person laying opposite to him was calming. He looked down and noticed scars trailing up his torso, his hands and arms littered in the scars as well.

The person who laid with him had a single scar across their neck. Link reached out and gently shook them, their eyes fluttering open. Their body and face were familiar to him. They slowly sat up, the water dripping down their side and they looked around. Link was nervous to speak, it’d be so long since… actually he didn’t know. The person in front of him turned and a smile crept on their features. “You’re alive. And so am I. Thank the goddess.” They crawled over to Link and wrapped their arms around him. Link realized they were both painfully naked. He hugged back and pulled away, a confused look on his face. “I’m sorry, do I know you?” Their face fell for a moment, before their smile returned. Softer, this time. “At one point.” They reached out and tucked a stray hair from his face back in.

“I’m (Y/n). We were friends. Best friends. I heard this is where you were going when you were in war. So, the only way for me to be with you was to come with.” Link’s hand reached out and trailed the scar that ran across their throat. “Oh, don’t worry about that.” (Y/n) said quietly, grabbing his wrist to stop him. “I was told you might lose your memories, so it’s alright.” They reached out and caressed his face. Link felt himself sigh and lean into the hand. It was nice to have someone who knows you with you.

It had been a few months since the two woke up in the Shrine of Resurrection together. Link had regained most of his memories, and even remembered who (Y/n) was. However, there was something that bothered him. (Y/n) wasn’t a warrior, how were they brought back by the shrine? How did they die? Why… why did they die? “I figured you’d ask.” (Y/n) had said. Throughout their journey they’d bought themselves clothes. Right now, in their Rito outfit, they attempted to show Link the scar. “When I found out you died, I was distraught. Someone made the mistake of telling me where you were, so I clawed my way to you. You’ve always been my everything. I knew the only way to be with you was to wound myself as badly as you’d been. So I came prepared. I remember staring at you as you slept in the water. I never wanted to die, but to be with you? You shouldn’t have to be here alone. I remember falling into the water with you, and trying to turn so we could wake up holding each other. I was unconscious by the time I tried.”

Hearing someone killed themselves for you was never a romantic thing. Link stared at (Y/n), admiration filling his chest. “Oh wow.” He whispered. (Y/n) blushed and pulled their shirt back up. “It’s nothing much.” They murmured. Link’s eyes fluttered shut and (Y/n) realized he was remembering something. They quickly steadied Link so he wouldn’t fall over, these memories took a toll on him each time. He was doubled over, gasping for air. “Link, are you alright?” (Y/n) asked softly. “Come here,” Link whispered. (Y/n) lent their ear to him. “I know who you were to me even better now.” (Y/n) turned to ask him a question and their lips were captured in his. Link straightened his stance, pulling (Y/n) with him. They melted into the kiss before he pulled away, smiling at them. “You were my best friend, weren’t you?” The jig was up, wasn’t it (Y/n)? “The bestest.” (Y/n) smiled, a blush spreading across their face.

[osarina]

Hellooo,

So, it's not really a request, just kinda? Idk, i just want to share this little idea with you and you can do with this anything you want!!

So reader and adazai are dating for a while rn and they are happy and all and dazai decides that he wants to propose reader. He has the ring and all planned out. But before he could, reader is sent to a mission and dazai be like: "okay, i'm gonna wait til she is back."

The only problem is that she isn't back in a good shape :') Something went wrong on the mission, there were stronger ppl than reader and the ada obviously didn't know abt it (let's just say that ranpo didn't know abt it too for the plot, okay? :')) and they all freak out and everything. Reader is sent to a hospital (yes, yosano's ability doesn't work on her. No i don't know why and how. It's just ✨plot amour✨)

But anyway, reader gets better and wakes up from her coma. But! She lost her memory. So when she finally wakes up and dazai is holding her hand while half asleep and the others are here too and when they notice that she is awake she just be like: "Huh??? Who are you all??"

And dazai of course heartbroken. The love of his live, his reason to live, his soon-to-be fincée doesn't remember him?? That's the end of the world. But ofc he doesn't show it that his world crumbled over, instead he tries to win over reader's heart again. And it's all fluffy through reader's recovery. Ooooo and i have this very very very cute scene in front of me.

Imagine: Dazai and reader are sitting on a rooftop, it's after some time when reader finally remembers her name, age, family, job etc (expect dazai, we love angst :p) so the basic things and there's a moment when she says that: "My mind may not remember you, but my heart could never forget."

And it's just shows that how domestic are they really that even if tragedies try to force them away from each other, their heart, their soul will always find the way back bc you only find true love once. And the right person (or people) will always came to you (i'm delulu.)

But let's not forget abt dazai and his self-blaming tendencies. My man here would be so crushed that he couldn't save his beloved. So maybe, at first, he wouldn't try to make remember their relationship. After all, if the only person he loved romentically forgets about him then that must be fate, no? A reminder that he doesn't qualified to be called human, so ofc he shouldn't enjoy such a human things as love. That he should cherish the time that you two spent together but should never reach out for you. After all, he might get his dirt on your freshly started new life. And he also wasn't sure that you would even want him with all his mistakes, inperfections and that ugly, broken soul of him.

So i think reader has to make some moves first too. Just from instinct. Bc loving him is like a second nature to her. But aftet reader defeats dazai's self-sabotaging attempts, the cutesy recovery would start <33

OH MY GOD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. Someone should check this out bc my love for him is starting to get a little unhealthy 💀

Anywayyyy i wish you the loveliest, most beautiful day ever bc you deserve it. And again, feel free to ignore this rant, no pressure <333 i'm just so down bad for him, ughhh. I want to squeeze him so bad <33

Also, if it's not a big problem, can i be 🍄 anon? If it's taken then 🎶 anon?

Much, much love!!!

(Pls ignore the spelling and grammar mistakes, i'm running on 4 hours of sleep each day this week and english is my 2nd language)

AHHHHHHHH NONNIE UR SO IN MY BRAIN I'VE BEEN DYING TO WRITE AN AMNESIA FIC FOR DAZAI. the way i was going about it, i was thinking maybe we could do an ability user that targets reader and their ability causes reader to completely lose memory of the most important person in their life ... except this was going to be set pre-relationship but they were both sooooo clearly in love with each other but neither wanted to make the first move. so reader would come into work like usual and nothing seems wrong until she sees dazai and she's like ??? who are you and dazai is just CRUSHED and the whole fic is set around him trying to hunt down this ability user to make reader's memories come back but it's like they've vanished off the face of earth. eventually he comes back to the office when he gives up because he literally CAN'T find this ability user and then we follow reader re-falling in love w dazai and dazai self sabotaging because he's dazai

I WISH YOU THE MOST LOVELY BEAUTIFUL DAY EVER NONNIE I ADORE YOU

[aew-kun-age-regression]

Little Graves who will wake up from a nap when he's extra tiny and crawl over into his caregivers lap for cuddles bc he's a very snuggly bby and he brings his stuffie with him when he does and is still sleepy n rubbing his eyes and might fall asleep again when he gets his cuddles 😭🥺 (so much brain riot for him being sleepy n' cuddly rn, he'd love being cozy and warm so much it'd be so sweet🥹)

-🐻

Aaa omg 🐻!!! I am loving the Graves thoughts recently, he's been taking over my brain.

And just absolutely. When he finally is awake he will have no memory of waking up for cuddles. He could have crawled/shuffled into a different room for those cuddles and he still wouldn't remember it. He'd just know that's not where he originally fell asleep and now he's being cuddled. 🤗

Omggg I just love him sm (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)!!!

[quirkle2]

in zombie au, what if the hypothetical situation where the gang does indeed run into Zero food supply, would zombie mob really eat either or both tome and ritsu :o (i literally laid awake last night imagining this scenario jwndjwndkwn)

oh and one more thing! i would very much like to know what goes on mob's thoughts when said hypothetical situation comes around :3

hogod . oh god i did this didnt i. i did this im so evil im so

ok. this is the evil timeline.we don't talk abt this timeline very much, it's evil. so this is prolly the only ask i'll answer abt it. warning for cannibalism, mcd, and suicide

in the not-canon hypothetical where they Do run completely out of food, mob would indeed get desperate enough to snap and lunge at one of them, and he'd go for tome first. she's less familiar, she's Not his sibling, and she's only been around for a few months

how ritsu responds to this sorta depends on the situation, but in that particular scenario from the previous ask and its tags ritsu probably Doesn't have it in him to shoot mob and he lets tome get killed. he feels like a Monster for it, but he's simply not going to kill his own brother for a girl he just met a couple months ago. he's going to choose mob every time

given that ritsu doesn't have any food for himself here, he's sorta trapped in a nightmare. if they leave after mob gets his fill, he'll feel like tome kinda died in vain, or at least smth close to it. through the fucking Raw Fear he's probably feeling after watching his brother eat another person, he's doing his best to grasp onto logic and say well we should stay here. bc that means shige will get rly well-fed. there's a perfectly good... food source right here. we shouldn't waste it

but ritsu has no food, and he literally can't resort to eating her bc that's tainted meat now. he'd just turn afterward. so they have to leave her. and that makes him so fucking upset in the grand scheme of things but rly, in the moment, he's glad to make that decision bc it means he can stop being in the same room as her corpse

now if it somehow happened Again and mob got that desperate a second time, with nobody but ritsu around? uhm.,,,,he would? i think. he would. as much as i'd love to say he wouldn't, he's a zombie. instincts takes over eventually. and then he'd wander aimlessly until exhaustion, a patrol, or starvation claims him. hashtag bad ending hashtag throwing tomatoes at the stage

to answer ur second question: after mob gets cured, in the middle of his recovery, he starts to remember bits n pieces of the journey, and while it's very fuzzy and it jumps around a lot, he Thinks there was somebody else w them at some point

so he asks ritsu. hey was there ?? anybody else with us? and like.whatthe hell do u say to that. ritsu knows that if mob knows, he'd lose his mind. he wouldn't be able to handle that. so he Has to lie, and he kinda panics and fucks it up a bit bc he says, "nah bro just us ^-^" and completely omits tome from the picture. fucked up but he panicked, okay

mob goes hm. ok. but then he remembers more. he remembers her face, vaguely, and her name, and at first he kinda chalks it up to brain weirdness in his recovery stages, but as time goes on and he gains more and more memories of this girl that ritsu claims was never there, he comes to the conclusion that ritsu Lying might be more likely

and if ritsu lied to his face about this, about a Whole Person being with them, what else is he hiding?

if mob ever did find out what exactly he did to her, or even to that man he mauls to protect ritsu in the canon timeline of this au, i think he'd lose it. he wouldn't be able to live w himself. i genuinely don't think he'd be able to go on after that

[parkitaco]

can I ask for details abt this amnesia fic that once has so much promise? 👀

also fun fact I too have an amnesia fic that once held so much promise but is now functionally abandoned until further notice. hive mind moment

hello elli YES omg idk what it is apparently amnesia fics are just that fucking difficult. or smth. idk but!! yes i will share everything that is still in my brain involving this fic (under the cut tho i'm abt to infodump so hard)

this idea was originally planted by an anon who left a very cute little amnesia prompt in my inbox (anon if you're out there i'm so sorry i swearrr). i've since deviated from the og prompt which was fairly lighthearted (amnesia will sees mike hovering over him obsessively and assumes he's his bf. and mike short circuits. which was an excellent idea my brain just wouldn't accept it) and went for angst bc well. i'm like that. and basically my idea was just that will wakes up in mike's room very recently post-apocalypse (the wheeler's house has been a base in the apocalypse and mike offered his room bc of course he did), having been in a coma for a few months. the idea behind it was that vecna / the hive mind tried to possess him again, but this time will was strong enough to fight back, and though he couldn't fight *through* the possession he was at least able to kind of incapacitate himself so that he couldn't be used to hurt his friends (yay angst!!). while he was asleep the others managed to stop vecna / kill the UD, hence freeing will from possession. yay he's awake!! unfortunately, since he was in the coma for so long, the virus ate away parts of his consciousness, namely his memories.

basically i took s2 and birthdaygate and made it bigger and more dramatic and worse. yay parker!!

the way i was planning on having will's memories come back is very slowly and methodically (i.e. it takes him a while to remember stuff but once he does it pretty much sticks), mainly through him being reminded of them through sensory recognition or people sharing stuff - he also has vague feelings attached to people, and can definitely recognize when a face belongs to someone important to him (cough cough mike wheeler) but he doesn't remember names or details and this drives him INSANE.

the bylerification of this would be mike, post-apocalypse and broken up with el and having had some Very Important Realizations, frantically fumbling trying to give will love confessions and apologies when will literally doesn't remember any of their fights. so not only does mike have to apologize for everything, he also has to make will relive it first, and Then hope that will doesn't reject him. (hehe.) this sucks for him, but yada yada it all works out and they make out sloppy. the end

i abandoned this fic for a lot of reasons, many of which i no longer remember, but the main ones were a., that is a lot of backstory for a story that ultimately doesn't have much plot beyond Mike Is Stressed And Will Is Confused, and b., at the time i was kind of burnt out on writing/reading apocalypse stuff, and c., i wasn't a big fan of the concept of everyone saving the world with will still incapacitated bc i know my boy is more of a key character than that!!! (this is small and ik people could get over it for This One Fic but it Really Bothered me Ok)

that being said,,, writing all this out did remind me of how much i liked the concept and i think taking the pressure off of myself for a couple months did help, as did taking a break from apocalypsey concepts for a while. so. Maybe. and that is all i will say about that <33

[liebgotts-lovergirl]

Fire On Fire: Chapter 17

(Ch. 16) ... (Ch. 1)

II Gallery II Symbol Guide II

Summary: It seems like the only memories that have returned are the ones Alix doesn't want to remember and when she hits her breaking point, Joe is determined to be there for her every step of the way. He may not know what exactly she's been through but he knows she's been through enough.

WARNINGS: ANGSTY. Trust issues, PTSD episode (flashbacks & panic attack specifically), domestic violence/abuse

A/N: HOOOOOOO BOY, this one really puts the HURT in Hurt/Comfort, folks, so buckle up for some backstory bc this one gets Dark.

Taglist: @latibvles @softguarnere @lieutenant-speirs @mccall-muffin @parajumpboots @brassknucklespeirs @hxad-ovxr-hxart @holdingforgeneralhugs @sleepisforcowards @emmythespacecowgirl @vibing-away

Contemporary: September 22nd, 1944. Zetten-Andelot, Netherlands.

After his disastrous exit the day prior, Alix hadn't expected to see Joe Liebgott ever again.

But nevertheless, when she awoke the next morning and peered over the side of her cot, there he was, lying on the dusty hardwood floor, asleep, with his bunched-up jacket under his head and a rifle by his side.

"Sad, isn't it?" Nixon remarked dryly, following her gaze to the paratrooper's slumbering form.

"One of our best attack-dogs and he's been here all night, waiting for you like a lost fucking puppy." 

"What?" the agent breathed softly, trying to process what her handler had said. "You're kidding."

Why? Why would he bother?

Nixon chuckled and closed the files he had been leafing through, seemingly delighted to take a break for a little bit of gossip.

"Kid's crazy" the intelligence officer commented wryly, taking a stab at the air with his pen for emphasis.

"Whether crazy about you or just crazy remains to be seen. But I heard he even paid Penkala twenty bucks to take over guarding prisoners so he could be here, if you can believe it."

Alix just stared blankly, still grappling with the news.

Nothing was making sense.

She and Joe couldn't have been together in that way..They just couldn't have been.

There was no way someone like him would want someone as damaged as her when he could have anyone...

And besides, Alix reasoned. Fraternization is forbidden.

And even if it wasn't, her mother never would have allowed it.

But even still, it would have been her first real relationship since...So if it had been real, like he seemed convinced it was... surely she would remember...Wouldn't she?

"I can't," she mumbled, feeling a cold wave of nausea sweep over her in her confusion. "I can't believe it."

"Well you'd better start, Ziskeit," a husky voice yawned from below. "'Cause it's true."

Alix glanced toward the noise and saw that the paratrooper from the day prior was awake now, stretching his long legs out in front of him and propping himself up on his elbows with another languid yawn.

The soft morning light pouring in through the nearby window made the room seem several degrees warmer than the icy September air outside and the bright flecks of scattered gold in his eyes seemed to spark in its glow, illuminating them like sunshine through a glass of whiskey.

Even with the mud and grime smeared haphazardly across his face like camo paint, Alix couldn't help but stare as the paratrooper fished a loose cigarette from his pocket.

Eyeing him carefully, it was easy to see how startlingly handsome Joe was, but not in the usual way. He wasn't clean-cut and upper-crust, the type she could bring home to her family. Instead, he was ruggedly attractive, all rough edges and roguish grins that could've brought her to her knees in an instant.

Noticing her gaze, Joe shot her a playful wink.

"Take a picture, gorgeous," he teased. "It'll last longer."

"You're incorrigible," Alix managed lamely.

Joe just shrugged with a wicked grin that made her stomach turn dizzy somersaults.

"Eh, you love it," he remarked cockily, running a hand through his thick brown hair in a vain effort to tame it.

The smugness of his tone made Alix roll her eyes but a grudging smile quirked up the corners of her lips anyway.

"There it is!" Joe announced with a sudden burst of energy lighting up his face. "There's that gorgeous fuckin' smile I been waiting on. Jesus, I missed that."

Alix flushed, suddenly even more self-conscious, when she heard a muffled knocking sound from the other side of her cot, where her case officer was standing, dramatically banging his head against the wall.

"Alright, that's it," he sighed exasperatedly once he had her attention. "I'm out of here. Can't get any fucking reports done with you two lovebirds driving me to drink."

Her handler threw back one last round of liquor from his flask for emphasis.

"Short drive," Alix quipped easily and Nixon choked on his whiskey, coughing.

"Well on second thought, just for that little comment, I think I'll take my sweet time," her handler snarked once he'd recovered, reaching over to the bedside table where he'd stashed another stack of files with a mischievous expression.

As he sifted through the pages of each file, making sure nothing was missing, Nixon was unusually quiet and Alix found herself letting out a slow sigh of relief that he hadn't done anything petty...just as the final folder snapped shut.

"You crazy kids have fun now," Nixon remarked, a Cheshire Cat grin spreading across his face as he noticed Alix's cheeks blossoming a vibrant shade of fuchsia.

"Oh and Lieb--"

He shifted the folders to his opposite arm so he could point directly to the younger paratrooper, who was looking from mentor to mentee with a bemused smirk like he was watching at tennis match.

"Wrap it before you tap it, m'kay? That's a fucking order."

"Yes sir," Joe replied with a lazy salute and Nixon, apparently satisfied with this level of humiliation, made his exit, leaving Alix to cover her face in embarrassment as some nearby patients snickered.

∆∆━━━━∆∆━━━∆∆━━━∆∆

"Is he that much of an asshole to everyone else or am I just special?" Alix groaned once she was sure her mentor was out of earshot.

"Nixon? Never could tell," Joe answered with a good-natured shrug. "But he spends most of his time with other officers so it's not like us fuckin' grunts see much of him anyhow."

Alix shifted positions on the rusty metal bedframe, which creaked loudly in complaint at every movement, creating a minor vacancy halfway between the foot of the bed and the top.

She didn't want to be too forward or give this guy any ideas but at the same time, she couldn't deny that there was a part of her that was intrigued by him and wanted to know more.

Seemingly oblivious to her reservations, Joe was still lounging on the hard floor beside the bed, smoking yet another cigarette and lightly fingering the worn Magen David pendant linked to his dog tags as though he was checking to be sure it was still there.

"You don't have to stay on the floor, you know," Alix informed him awkwardly, finally working up the courage to address it directly. "I know it's probably not too comfortable down there."

"Eh, 's not too bad," Joe shrugged but he stood up anyway, hooking his thumbs in his pockets.

The young paratrooper hovered for a moment, shifting from foot to foot nervously as though waiting for something.

Then it occurred to her: He was waiting for her invitation.

Alix blinked, startled by this newfound realization.

Clay never would have sought her permission for anything; the world had to revolve around him and him only.

The young spy nibbled on her lip for a moment, trying to find the words to encourage the paratrooper, -- Joe, she kept reminding herself. His name is Joe-- to sit on the bed without him taking it the wrong way.

But she didn't want to seem too familiar...Not so soon.

Joe was leaning one shoulder against the wall casually, as though he'd always belonged there, his lanky frame casting a shadow over Alix and shielding her from the bright sunlight.

"Thanks for the shade," she joked and Joe inclined his head politely but she could see something more behind the smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

"Anytime, gorgeous, anytime." 

His voice was husky and his posture self-assured, a little cocky even, but not arrogant.

Leaning against the wall like that and smoking his cigarette, his deep brown eyes tracing her every feature as though trying to figure out a puzzle, he reminded her of those striking, hardboiled P.I.s in the crime melodramas she used to sneak out to see as a kid.

"You doin' alright, Ziskeit?"

He cocked his head and Alix finally found her voice.

"Shit, yeah, I'm...I'm swell," she stammered, inwardly cursing her head injury.

She was nervous enough in front of this attractive stranger on top of it, finding the words for a normal conversation felt like groping around in the dark for a light switch. "Um...Would you...Do you wanna sit down?"

"Sure thing, Zees, just tell me where ya want me."

As close as you want to be, Alix wanted to say but she banished those thoughts as quickly as they'd come.

It wasn't proper to be so forward. What would her mother say?

Perhaps it was simply a trick of the light but the way his warm brown eyes crinkled when he smiled made Alix's stomach do another little somersault of glee and she had to avert her eyes to avoid the heat she could feel beginning to creep up her cheeks.

Taking his place near the middle of the bed, Joe's frame was so slight that the metal didn't even creak.

Unsure of what to say or do next, a minute passed between them as the pair were seemingly struck with an uncommon shyness, each flushing slightly when the other would sneak a glance out of the corner of their eye.

There was a brief silence and Alix found herself praying hoping that her heartbeat wasn't palpable through the bed.

Just say something, Alix, she urged herself as though coaxing a child with stage-fright. Use your words.

But it seemed Joe had the same thought because they both began to speak at the same time, cutting each other off and causing them both to dissolve into nervous laughter.

"Well shit," Joe remarked, his face seeming to light up at the sound of Alix's giggles.

Rubbing the back of his neck with his right hand, he gestured politely for Alix to continue with his left.

"I was just going to ask where you're from," she replied with a weak smile, inwardly berating herself for asking such a stupid question.

God, she hated small-talk.

Joe's smile faded almost instantly as the severity of her amnesia finally seemed to hit him.

She really didn't know him.

Realizing the unintended weight of her words, Alix dropped her gaze to the stiff sheets of her cot, studying each wrinkle instead and hoping that Joe would stop looking at her like that.

Like a kicked puppy.

Her stomach twisted in knots; she hadn't meant to hurt him but she really couldn't remember.

Should she have lied?

For a second, Joe looked conflicted, like a part of him wanted to hold her and the other part wanted to break down.

But instead, he did neither, dropping his cigarette to the ground and grinding it out beneath his heel with vigor. 

With a sad smile, he quickly tugged another from his pocket and lit it, hands still quivering slightly but whether from nerves or the chilly autumn air, who could say?

"I'd offer ya one, Ziskeit, but I don't think you're 'sposed to have 'em until you're better."

"I don't care," Alix remarked, only half-joking. "I'd take it if you offered."

Joe shook his head and took a slow drag, leaning away from her for the exhale to ensure she didn't get any smoke in her face.

"Well I ain't offering so you can get that idea outta your head right now, Zees." His tone was affectionate but firm and Alix let out a defeated sigh.

His protectiveness was cute but that didn't mean it wasn't frustrating.

Another few minutes passed uneventfully and Alix found herself studying him again.

His face was thin and a bit pointed with an attractive, almost fox-like cleverness about it.

She got the feeling that in his downtime, he could be amazingly quick-witted, always dancing two steps ahead of every smart remark that came his way. 

"Hey, penny for your thoughts, Zees?" Joe gave her shoulder a gentle nudge, his arm quickly brushing hers, leaving a warm trail of tingles behind. "You been awful quiet."

Shit.

Alix felt her stomach drop and in her surprise at being caught staring again, she blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"You smoke a lot."

Joe chuckled and Alix wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die.

"I'm from Frisco," he responded, his deep brown eyes seeming to sparkle with a mixture of humor and affection in the light.

"We do that."

There's no way they dated, Alix surmised from the warmth in the paratrooper's gaze. There's no way he could still look at her like that if they had.

╔══  • 🖤🖤 • 🖤🖤 • 🖤🖤 • ══╗

6 Years Prior: December 1937. Philadelphia, USA.

"For God's sake, Alix, this is exhausting. You're being ridiculous."

"Oh I'm being ridiculous?!"

The sixteen year old snatched the necklace from her neck and hurled it at her fiancé next to her with such force that the string snapped, sending pearls tinkling sporadically across the driver's side like tiny comets shooting through the air.

"I wasn't the one with my tongue down some other girl's throat, Clay!"

"Look, I already told you, it was a mistake, alright?" The eighteen year old threw up his hands in exasperation. "What more do you want?!"

"Giving me a bracelet with another girl's name engraved on it was a mistake," Alix pushed, her voice quavering.

"Making out with her at our fucking engagement party is not a 'mistake', Clay! It's a choice!"

"I can't believe you're doing this now." Clayton shook his head reproachfully, still keeping his blue-green eyes locked on the road ahead. "We were having such a good night."

"How long has it been going on? With her?

Her chest ached but she needed to know the truth.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't play dumb, Clay." Alix's voice sounded hollow even to her and her chest felt like it was filling with ice water, like she was drowning. "The blonde girl. How. Long."

"Since the beginning."

It was an answer so quick but so cruel that for a second, Alix was blindsided. Stunned, she blinked in shock, the breath momentarily knocked out of her, and all she could do was stare helplessly at her fiance, whose face was as cold and expressionless as marble.

"W-What?"

"Since the beginning," he repeated as though she hadn't heard him.

"But why?" the sixteen year old croaked, her voice breaking. "I thought...You said you loved me?"

"And you believed me? Good God," Clayton marveled, reaching over to sling an arm around her shoulders in an almost mocking gesture of affection. "Your father's right. You really are naïve."

"Don't touch me please!" she snapped, the very feeling of his hand on her arm making her want to claw her own skin off.

She began to retreat from him, to turn away, but he seized a mass of her curly black hair in his free hand and yanked her close enough that she could feel his repulsive breath on her skin like a rabid dog's fangs hovering by her ear.

"I'll do what I fucking want," he snarled before releasing her with a shove, sending her right shoulder slamming painfully into the car door with a yelp.

With a huff of irritation, the eighteen year old returned both hands to the steering wheel, ignoring the quivering of the girl in the seat next to him.

There was a frigid quiet in the car, an almost sickening stillness before she broke it, rubbing her sore shoulder warily.

Her voice was small and broken-sounding and through the tears stinging her eyes, she turned to look at him but he ignored her, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the steering wheel.

She felt like she might choke at the sight, the not-so-distant memory of his hands locked around her throat making it hard to breathe.

"You said you'd never hurt me again," she managed in a voice barely above a whisper but Clayton rolled his eyes again.

"And if you'd stop running your goddamn mouth, I wouldn't have to."

╚══ • 🖤🖤 • 🖤🖤 • 🖤🖤 • ══╝

Contemporary: September 22nd, 1944. Zetten-Andelot, Netherlands.

A gentle tap on her shoulder brought Alix back to the present with a jolt.

Subconsciously, she knew the had been feather-light, more a glancing brush than anything, but it still caused the young spy to flinch away instinctively.

Her head was still buzzing and she remembered the doctor's lecture about stress being bad for her concussion but she couldn't help it: the sick thud of being slammed into the car door and the sharp pain that followed seemed to grow louder and louder, stronger and stronger, becoming a pounding in her ears.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

Alix could feel herself beginning to tremble uncontrollably and her eyes began to sting, hot tears spilling over onto her cheeks before she could stop them. With every desperate, frenzied gulp for air, Alix's heart began to pound even faster and a feeling of terror crashed over her, threatening to break her like a wave on a rocky shore.

Run. She was shaking so violently that the whole bedframe seemed to rattle with her in her fear. You need to run.

But with her dislocated ankle, there was nowhere to go. Her head was pounding and her stomach twisted as though she might vomit.

The feeling of Clay yanking on her hair and shoving her into the door played over and over like a film reel in her mind and she gasped for air but there was none to be found.

Her head spinning, she put a hand to her heart, feeling it racing faster and faster, the buzzing in her ears only getting more intense with her rising panic.

Drowning. It felt like drowning.

The burning in her chest intensified as her shallow breaths increased, each ragged sob sending her further and further into a spiral.

Nothing was happening so why did the world feel like it was crashing down around her?

Was she losing her mind?

Joe noticed quicker than she would have liked.

"Hey..." he said softly. "Hey, you're okay, Ziskeit...You're okay..."

Alix let out a pained whimper, bad memories seeming to hit like flashes of lightning as Joe watched helplessly, running an anxious hand through his thick hair.

"What can I do, Zees?" he begged, trying to keep his voice calm despite the strained notes of concern and desperation. "Can I...Can I hold you? Is that okay? Or d'you want me to go? I can...Fuck, I can go, if-."

"Stay," she managed to choke out through her tears, the first sign of vulnerability she'd shown him recently. "Please stay."

That was all Joe needed to hear. Kicking off the floor, he boosted himself further back onto the bed, gingerly guiding her up with him. Drawing her into his arms, he cradled her as though she were made of glass, his hands ghosting over her skin as though she might shatter at any moment.

Her whole body was trembling, her breaths still coming in short gasps, and he drew her still closer, murmuring encouragements in English and what she assumed to be German as he eased her head gently to his chest.

"I'm here, Zees, I got you. I ain't goin' anywhere, I promise. I promise."

Heaving, Alix wrapped her good arm around him, her breathing still erratic as she buried her face in his chest.

"Ikh hob dikh lib, mein libinke. Mein ziskeit." he murmured and for a brief second, her tears seemed to slow.

That word...Zees-kite...It's not in English but for a second, it seems to cut through the terror. It feels familiar, warm, safe.

But within seconds, the panic has overwhelmed her again, smacking her down mercilessly every time she thinks they're through like a stormy sea, sending her crashing against the rocks and she flinched again, painful memories threatening to drag her to the ocean floor once more.

"Hey, hey Zees, come back," he urged her softly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, careful to avoid the bandages.

"Your mind's tryna take you someplace else, okay, but don't let it. Come back to me, Ziskeit, I know you can. Stay here. You're safe, Zees, you're safe."

Brushing the flood of tears away, even as still more come running down her cheeks, Alix clung to him like a lifeline, doing her best to focus on the present moment, focus on the warmth of his body, the subtle rasp of his voice, the callouses on his fingers, built up from years of training.

Joe began to trace soothing circles into her back, still murmuring to her, never allowing the panic to go unchallenged for even a second.

"You gotta breathe, dollface. I know it's hard but you gotta try for me, okay? Atta girl. In...and out. In...and out."

Alix sniffled and tried her best to concentrate, focusing on taking one shaky breath in at a time.

"Good," the paratrooper affirmed, lightly stroking her hair as he kept her pressed close to his chest. "You're doin' real good, okay? Just like that: In...and out. That's my girl."

Slowly but surely, Alix began to calm and to his credit, Joe kept his promise: he never left her side.

They stayed locked in their embrace for what felt like hours as the world seemed to turn around them.

The aid station was in a constant state of overflow and it seemed like there was a never-ending stream of patients being rushed in and out by the few medical personnel they had, meaning that no one even batted an eye at the exhausted-looking paratrooper now occupying the same cot in the corner as the spy.

Small mercies, Alix supposed as she finally relaxed enough to drift off to sleep, still tangled with Joe. Small mercies.

[nathank77]

6/11/24

6:24 p.m Added to/ Edited 6:39 p.m

This is going to be a long post. First off I slept well. I passed out by maybe 5:30 a.m. I woke up at around 11:30 a.m. I tried to fall back to sleep but I needed to pee so badly... eventually I got up peeded. Popped a Benadryl and ate a Think Protein bar cause I had laid there for prob 30 minutes before getting up or at least it felt that way.

It started off silent (a good way to know I'm about to fall asleep) then it got all chanty with happy birthday and I got a birthday present... and that's when I was like what the fuck ever I might as well pee and eat and pop a pill cause if I don't pee I'm not sleeping...

I had to turn on American dad with a sleep timer when I laid back down. Idk If this was a nightmare or not. I started to worry that I was going to have mental pictures with sound effects bc it was like 5 to 6 hours after I took xanax. I saw plastic wrap in my mental image and i heard an auditory hallucination of like velcro ripping....this really happened.

Then- I got scared and had a mental image of me in first person slapping myself in the head like I used to October and November and even December bc the voice told me to... and I heard the slap. This happened 2 times... idk if this was a nightmare or reality..... the mental image was so real... it made me think I actually slapped myself in the head. I was laying down and had my eyes closed but saw my hand go to my head and slap myself. I'm truly unclear on If it was a nightmare or a mental image with an auditory hallucination... either way it was a flashback memory or nightmare and the mental image was tied to an auditory hallucination. I remember I could hear American dad in the background... it's my go to for bed. There isn't too much singing. There aren't too many sound effects. King of the hill had a lot of like cans tinkering and shit. Bob burgers there is too much singing. So I'll prob have American dad in the background for sleep for the rest of my life.

Either way it could have actually happened or it could have been a trauma dream. I REALLY DON'T KNOW. I could hear the voice saying happy birthday. I think in my dream the voice said it was a dream, not real..

I had this weird dream where I was in my room, and couldn't sleep after slapping myself in the head and I said outloud, "I know this is a dream. I know I'm not awake. Idk why but I know I'm sleeping right now. Is this a Lucid dream?" And I don't remember much else about it I couldn't control myself like they say you can in lucid dreams. All I know is it was a dream.

Then I dreamt that I woke up at 7:30 p.m and the dentist would still see me. Then I dreamt that I woke up at 3:30 and was running late for the dentist and then I actually woke up at 3:35 p.m.. I couldn't do bloodwork. I did make the dentist which I'll get into soon..

I had many microsleep, I can't sleep dreams that's what those are. It was like a trauma dream night especially after I woke up at 11 a.m. if only I could have slept two more hours I wouldn't have had to take the Benadryl and I could have done my bloodwork..

The problem with these microsleep dreams/flashbacks is the mental image is so realistic.... and I truly don't know if I heard the slap. I actually thought in the dream or when I was awake after the first slap do it again if it's real. And it happened again... idk.....

I ran to the dentist. It was a waste of time. He would rather do veneers and only after a deep cleaning that would cost 1400$..... and the veneers would cost 1300$... then I was like what if we did fillings over the brown spots cause I know there are other options besides veneers... he said he wouldn't do anything without me paying out of pocket for a deep cleaning and that he could get the filling in white done on the brown stains covered by my insurance. I said there is no way I could pay out of pocket for a deep cleaning at that cost. He said he would be happy to send my xrays and shit to another place if I could find it cheaper.

I don't have cavities.. and my gums feel irritated in those two spots bc of enamel loss I guess. I'd say this was a major waste of time. I won't go back there. The cost of a deep cleaning is ridiculous. The fact that he wanted to do veneers on two healthy teeth that sealant could be done on. Also their shit cleaning Job in March. I mean at least I know I don't have cavities... and I know why those spots are irritated... but now idk what to do about my brown stains and where to go if I do a 6 month cleaning and what the cost would be... and if it would effect my annual free cleaning from husky.. so idk what to do about this and the gym...

I should also add he only looked at my teeth for about 35 seconds. Legit. And I might be exgerrating.

My choices are Columbia in Hartford which is so fucking far but has cheaper cleaning costs and then this community place here in torrington that costs a lot more to do a cleaning but is local. I guess I got to make phone calls and decide if it's even worth it to pursue it. Calling husky about anything you're on hold for like 4-6 hours. I wish I was exaggerating... and I have to call to see about if it would change my date with the annual cleaning.

I would rather pick the community place so I don't have travel to fucking Hartford cause torrington Columbia doesn't take husky. Fucking stupid. I feel like I wasted my time only good thing is in October/early November my hygiene suffered. Oral and bathing. I was so panicked and I couldn't sleep I would go 4 days without brushing my teeth and once I went 4 days without showering. That was the worst of it... but I was really worried about my teeth cause I truly didn't brush most of that month. At least I know I'm good and didn't suffer long term damage from it.

I have a lot to think about regarding do I want to call husky? Should I just accept my brown stains and go to the gym? Should I go to hartford to save a little money but not time and worry about parking and shit? Is it worth it? I mean will I find a gf to make getting those brown stains fixed worth it? Is the time it takes and effort and aggravation about money worth doing all of this when I want my teeth to be white? And it may not be possible bc of money. I mean not if I can't afford it then it's not worth it. Not if I have to do a deep cleaning and they are truly 1300-1400$ out of pocket. I guess I could call Columbia and the community place near me and a couple other places for cost of both of those things and see if they would be willing to skip the deep cleaning and just fill the groove with white... idk I'm stressed about it bc I'd really like to move on the gym after I get the brown stain fixed but maybe poor people can't... so I mean I'll give a couple places a call and I'll move my annual to Columbia or the community place I'm never going back to the place I went to.

I really got a lot to think about. Regarding this and the gym and I wish it was more clear cut.

Since I couldn't do bloodwork I got to do it tomorrow before I go grocery shopping... I did pick up my photo from cvs it came out bad so they reprinted it. I'm waiting on my degree frame. I can't wait. I'm home now about to shower.

I was going to wear my skinny jeans but they didn't fit... neither did the gray volcom shorts. They went into the laundry basket and I went back to my American eagle shorts in 32 that do fit. Both pairs I tried on today are 32s.... I mean maybe this is a looser 32... also idk whats going on with my thyroid... I truly got to get my bloodwork asap. Those pants will fit if I lose another 10 pounds. Another reason to go to the gym...

Anyways I have this song stuck in my head, love song by sara bareilles. I haven't went out besides for today for 3 days. My mom totally wouldn't listen to this song. I asked my sister she didn't listen to it. I woke up with it playing in my head. I want to believe it's Elise but how can I? There must be a rational answer to this. I just don't know how it got stuck in my head usually that happens when you hear the song somewhere.

Also if it was you Elise I'm not saying what you want to hear. I don't actually think you're on my tumblr. If I did a percentage it's like 10%, out of 100%.... there is potential but I mean I think you came here Feb went omg Nathan is crazy and never came back... or you stop in to see how crazy I am occasionally... idk.

I want you to know everything I said about wanting to watch your girls grow up I mean it. Everything I said I mean it and I don't really know if you're here or not. It's not like I'm saying it to your face and trying to get you to be with me.... I'm saying it in my diary.

That song is a love song. And if it was you, you're in love with me... but I want you to know this is truly my diary. I'm not writing what you want to hear. I'm writing what I feel. Whether or not you're here. Block me everywhere and you'll still see I write about you..it's my diary. None of it is to get you to be my girlfriend but if you're reading I want you to know how I feel. I doubt you are but that's kind of my point. Everything I write here i would write in a private diary I would just include a little more detail and I know you know exactly what I mean.

[catboysuigetsu]

im gonna be honest i can’t remember if mitsuki really grew up in a test tube or if im imagining that but you know Suigetsu would have been there w/ him bc he knows that tube life Sucks

[inevitably-johnlocked]

You've probably seen me and my asks/reposts/reblogs a few times and if not I mean- Anyways! I'm craving some BAMF! John content bc who wouldn't want that in their life? Also- I really love all that you do for the fandom and your followers. (I was an old Nonny who spoke about being asexual. I was wrong and I mean it happens-) But yeah you are super duper amazing and I hope one day I can do the same for others

Hey Lovely! <3

Aww, it’s okay to change your labels when figure out who you are (I certainly have)! I have a lot of asks from ace nonnies, so I’m not sure which one is yours, hahah. That said, don’t feel bad for identifying as one thing until recently... it’s normal. <3

Ah, yes, we all love a badass mother-fuckin’ John!! I’ve only done one list related to it, so I’ll link to it below :) As always, I encourage everyone to add their own fics to the list below!

Thank you for your kind words, and I hope you enjoy what I’ve got for you! <3

BAMF and/or SOLDIER JOHN

See also: BAMF! But Insecure John

Idiot by Anesthesiologist (T, 1,229 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, TGG AU, BAMF John, Sherlock Whump, Inner Monologue, John Saves Sherlock, POV Sherlock) – What the heck happened? He remembered the pool and Moriarty, but then what? Had he been dying?

Shooter by Amputation (K+, 1,406 w. || Post-TRF, Suspense, BAMF!John) – The men were trying to rile the other into acting first, it seemed. How boringly predictable and dull this was!

The 3x John Carried Sherlock, and Once ViceVersa by ShinkonoKokoro (K+, 1,673 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, Friendship, Three and One, BAMF John, Sherlock Whump, Worried Sherlock, John Gets Shot) – It happens more than he suspects.

In Which John is a BAMFy MoFo, OMG! by Kantayra (T, 1,835 w., 1 Ch. || Humour) – John's BAMFness and Sherlock's damsel-in-distress act are caught forever on camera. So Scotland Yard can mock. A lot.

Coming Full Circle by KCS (K+, 2,358 w., 1 Ch. || Alternate TGG, Friendship, Drama, Violence/Death References, Drugging/Poisoning, Kidnapping, BAMF John, Moriarty POV, Introspection) – Moriarty had John for almost six hours between his abduction and the showdown at the pool - more than enough time to implement a Plan B for his escape should Sherlock call his bluff with the fake bomb vest.

Butterfly, Pinned Under Glass by billiethepoet (E, 4,648 w., 1 Ch. || Possessive Sherlock, Jealousy, Barebacking, BAMF!John) – It started as a desire to keep John safe and whole, and ended up as just desire.

Stranded by BeautifulFiction (T, 5,798 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss, Communication / Relationship Discussion, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock POV, BAMF John, Doctor John, Case Fic, Drinking, Huddling For Warmth, Friends to More) –  When stranded on a derelict barge at high tide, John and Sherlock reconsider their friendship.

The Death of Doubt by Gingerhermit (E, 6,584 w., 1 Ch. || Alternate Canon, BAMF John, POV Sherlock, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Hurt/Comfort, Angst/Drama, Meddling Mycroft) – Mycroft asks for John’s help in rescuing Sherlock from his Serbian captors.

High and Tight, Soft and Loose by cwb (E, 7,429 w., 1 Ch. || Jealous John, Miscommunications / Misunderstandings, First Kiss / Time, BAMF John, Insecure Sherlock, Clueless Sherlock, POV John, Embarrassed John, Adorable Sherlock, Junk Size, UST / RST) – John pressed the knuckle of his index finger against his mouth and sighed. “So, you're coiled like a spring and ready to be ... sprung?” “If you want to be pedestrian about it, yes.” “Like I said, you should do something about that.” “And like I said, pedestrian. What would you have me do? Take up jogging? Yoga? Oh! Unless you mean –” “I don't mean anything. Let’s drop it.”

I'm Pretty Sure This Changes Shit by cwb (E, 7,672 w., 1 Ch. || Fluff, Cudding, Doctor/Patient, Accidents, Pining Sherlock, Blow Jobs, Oral / Anal, BAMF John, Minor Injuries, Dev. Rel.) – Sherlock finds increasingly ridiculous ways to get John to patch him up after hurting himself.

Every Night I Look for You by destinationtoast (E, 8,377 w., 1 Ch. || POV John, Post-TRF, Angst, Mystery, Unsafe Sex, BAMF John) – Every night, John looks for familiar hints of Sherlock in the men he meets in bars, and he does with them all the things he wishes he’d done before. Eventually, he stumbles into a situation that Sherlock would know how to handle, and John must decide whether he can handle it without him.

Made for You by Raxicoricofallapatorious (K, 8,440 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Sci-Fi, Androids) – When John was shot in the shoulder he was decommissioned and his memory and personality was wiped. Sherlock was given the blank droid and he quickly learns that this droid is more than it seems. John just so happened to come back and no one can fathom how or why. Johnlock if you squint.

Matters of National Security by mistyzeo (E, 8,465 w., 1 Ch. || BAMF John, Doctor John, Jealous Sherlock, Dating, Bisexuality, Arguing, Stupidity, Teasing, First Kiss/Time, Hand Jobs, Frottage, RST, Idiots in Love) – John starts dating a male client of Sherlock's, and Sherlock can't figure out why he's so incensed about it.

Stay Awake by pandoras_chaos (E, 9,325 w., 1 Ch. || BAMF!John, First Time, Angst, Pining Sherlock, Rimming, Oral/Anal) – Sherlock can feel the tenuous threads of this conversation shuddering under the strain of all the unspoken words. His eyes narrow as he gazes up at John, noting the residual tension in his shoulders, the dark circles under his lower lids, and the way he is avoiding Sherlock’s eyes like a bi-polarized magnet. He knows John Watson inside and out, like the perfectly balanced coils and gears of a beautifully balanced grandfather clock, and yet John keeps surprising him. It’s uncanny, the way he keeps on being so utterly and wonderfully unpredictable.

John Watson’s Moon by patternofdefiance (E, 11,314 w., 1 Ch. || Werewolf John, First Time, BAMF John, First Time, Anal, Fleeting Depictions of Violence) – Sherlock finds out John is a werewolf and wants to see the transformation. It, uh, gets really kinky.

The Red Dianthus by kinklock (T, 11,382 w., 3 Ch. || Supernatural Elements, BAMF!John, Misunderstandings, Fluff, Romance, Halloween, Dev. Rel., Case Fic) – The boys investigate a mysterious disappearance in a supposedly haunted house, and get much more than they bargained for.

The Hand You're Dealt by Lady Sam Mallory (T, 12,092 w., 1 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Light Violence, BAMF John, Doctor John, Injury, Friendship) – Sherlock, John and several others are trapped in a building when an explosion disrupts the crime scene they are working.

Fear Itself by KCS (K+, 12,289 w., 3 Ch. || Suspense, Friendship) – John is accustomed to being kidnapped by now, but he never expected a criminal to adopt Mycroft's method of doing so, to ensure he comes along without a fight.

To be loved by Strange_johnlock (E, 12,436 w., 8 Ch. || Post S3, Established Relationship, First Person POV Sherlock, Pet Names, Soft Sherlock, Mild ADHD, Protective John, Captain Watson, Body Appreciation, Bottomlock, Rough Sex, Travelling for Holidays, Introspection, Sherlock Loves John So Much It Hurts) – John is so deeply integrated into the work, both as my conductor of light, and as a great shot with a vicious right hook who tackles men -and women- no matter their size all in my defense. He protects me with all he can without question, and this loyalty is surely more than I deserve. Or: Sherlock is counting his blessings.

On The Fence by BeautifulFiction (T, 13,770 w., 1 Ch. || Fencing, Case Fic, First Kiss, Insecure John, Pining John, Hug, Greg Finds Out) – The murder of the King's College fencing champion leads to revelations about Sherlock's past. Will it be the point that tips them from friends to lovers, or will they remain on the fence?

The Acronym by DancingGrimm (T, 15,057 w. || Humour) – "'Bee Ay Em Eff'. Hm, that's a new one on me. Do you know what it means, Sherlock?" John might not know what it means, but there are many little ways in which he proves the acronym suits him.

I Will Take Care Of You by SailorChibi (T, 16,664 w., 15 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Sick Sherlock, BAMF John, BAMF Lestrade, Reunion Fic) – Two years after Sherlock's death, John comes to find him on the sofa. Wounded and ill, Sherlock is convinced he's hallucinating and refuses to share any details about Moran or the fact that Mycroft has been compromised. That doesn't stop John from stepping up and taking care of the last of Moriarty's web, BAMF-style.

Hope for Heroes by Richefic (K+, 16,887 w., 5 Ch. || Post-TGG Fic, Introspection / Flashbacks, Friendship/Epic Bromance, Hurt/Comfort, Worried/Anxious Sherlock, Sherlock Admires John, BAMF John, John Deduces, Fancy Party, John’s Self Esteem, Domestics) – In the final moments of "The Great Game" Holmes hopes he will have the chance to tell his flatmate that he was wrong. Heroes do exist after all and the one in front of him is called Dr John Watson.

Traitor's Gate by roane (E, 17,714 w., 6 Ch. || Post-TRF, Case Fic, Mystery, Bets and Wagers, Undercover for a Case, BAMF John, Scientist Sherlock, Teasing, Established Relationship, Military Base, Sexting/Texting, Military/Uniform Kink, Frottage, Dirty Sex, Anal, Bottomlock) – John and Sherlock go undercover at a top secret government lab to find out who is selling research. John is back in uniform and Sherlock is back in a laboratory, but they have to pose as strangers. Sherlock thinks he'll have an easy time of it, but John has his doubts. It's up to them to find out who is responsible for putting a dangerous weapon in the wrong hands, and try to keep their hands off each other at the same time.

5 Times John Got the Girl (and lost her) and 1 Time John Got the Guy (and kept him) by LiviKate (M, 21,695 w., 6 Ch. || 5 and Ones, Kissing, Oblivious / Awkward Sherlock, BAMF / Sexy / Stud John, Embarrassed John, John’s Scar, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Sherlock) – John has always had good luck with the ladies. He's charming, friendly and funny, not to mention great in bed. However, his usual skill with the opposite sex is constantly being thwarted by Sherlock and his outbursts. How will John ever get a leg over when Sherlock is always cockblocking him?

Knotted by naughtyspirit (E, 23,166 w., 4 Ch. || UST/URT, Cuddling, Sharing Body Heat, Confessions, Kissing, Mastrubation, Frustration, BAMF!John) – John has to cancel a date because of Sherlock's case, which leads them to be tied up in a basement from which they have to escape. They get wet, get tied up close and John has to step up and save them. Because he's pretty. And hot. And just a little bit of a BAMF.

Maintaining A Personal Life by Gingerhermit (E, 24,284 w., 6 Ch. || Alternating POV’s, Bisexuality, BAMF!John, Jealous Sherlock, Romance / Drama, Sort-of Case Fic, Peril & Angst, Love Confessions, Toplock, Soft Idiots in Love, Post S3) – Sherlock and John discover some interesting revelations about each other’s sexuality, which lead them both to question the assumptions they've made about one another for years. In the midst of their mutual discoveries, a dangerous psychopath looms on the side-lines who threatens to destroy their new beginning.

Invisible by chappysmom (K+, 25,947 w., 11 Ch. || No Slash, semi-canon compliant) – John had had the knack for as long as he could remember. It wasn’t that he could become invisible, exactly. The laws of physics worked quite well in his vicinity, thank you very much. It was just that people tended … not to see him. {{This was one of the first AU’s I read, and I still love it to this day}}. SEQUELS: Still Invisible (ASiB) || Too Visible (THoB) || Invisible Once More (TRF)

And A Doctor by StillWaters1 (T, 27,393 w., 6 Ch. || Friendship, Doctor John, Whump, Soldier / Doctor Dichotomy, Five and One) – It was only when people actually saw John working as a physician that they began to understand: that it wasn't just about bullets and IEDs and trauma care under fire. That "doctor" actually covered a pretty wide field. And that John was bloody good at covering ground. 5 times Dr. Watson treated others and 1 time he treated himself.

26 Pieces by Lanning (E, 28,236 w., 1 Ch. || H/C, Torture, First Time, Happy Ending, Schmoop, Past Abuse) – Mycroft gives Sherlock the apparently simple task of solving a puzzle box containing a stolen microchip. It isn't simple.

Hellfire by testosterone_tea (E, 28,596 w., 9 Ch. || Fantasy / Magic / Mages / Elementals AU || Mage Sherlock, Elemental John, Developing Relationship, Torture, Powerful / BAMF John, POV Alternating, Dark / Blood Magic, UST, First Kiss) – Sherlock is a Mage that gets involved with a case involving Dark Summoning rituals, leading him to John Watson, a man with Berserker blood. The only thing is, Berserkers have been extinct for centuries. And of course, nothing involving Mycroft and his interfering ways is ever simple. This time, even Sherlock may have bitten off more than he can chew.

To Mend Icarus by AlessNox (T, 29,186 w., 14 Ch. || Post-TRF, Friendship, Drama, BAMF!John, Emotional Turmoil, Introspection, Harry is in this Fic, Angry John, Happy Ending, Queerplatonic Relationship) – After a case lands John Watson in court, he tells Sherlock that he is leaving. Not understanding why, Sherlock decides that the only way to learn the truth is to investigate his flatmate, Dr. John Watson. A revision of the story Mending Icarus.

A Study In Auto-Signatures, Sniper Dolphins, and Sex Holidays by cwb (E, 32,689 w., 8 Ch. || Case Fic, Post S3, Evil Mary, Dev. Rel., Beach Holidays, Confused Sherlock, Friends to Lovers, Honeymoon, Epistolary, Bottomlock, First Kiss / Time, Fluff, Secret Agents, BAMF!John) – John and Mary go on their sex holiday, and Sherlock is grumpy and pining about it. Part 1 of HOT DOLPHIN SEX

The Wrong Wagon by DancingGrimm (E, 35,663 w., 20 Ch. || Alternating POV, Molly/  John [Molly pines for John], Public Sex, Casual Sex, Obliviousness, BAMF!John, Awkwardness, Angst & Humour, First Time, Virgin Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock) – Molly sees John in a new light and realises that she may have hitched her horse to the wrong wagon...or something like that. John pines for Sherlock and worries what he will think if he ever finds out. And Sherlock doesn't know what Molly's up to...but he knows he doesn't like it.

we have never seen a greater day than this by Lediona (T, 36,420 w., 7 Ch. || A Royal Night Out AU || WWII / VE Day, Prince Sherlock, Soldier John, Alternating POV, First Kiss, Bittersweet Ending, Homophobia, Dancing) – Peace. At long last. It’s VE Day and Prince William desires to join the celebrations. It is a night of excitement, danger and the first flutters of romance.

A Week is Just Seven Days Isn't It? by scifigrl47 (T, 39,906 w., 4 Ch. || Humour, Friendship/Bromance, Stroppy/Bored Sherlock, Undercover/Army John, Texting, Pining-ish Sherlock, John Whump) – When John heads overseas for a week, Sherlock's forced to fend for himself. It goes about as well as anyone could have anticipated. Which is to say, very, very poorly. Don't worry, things'll be fine in just seven days.

Right Hand Man by SilentAuror (E, 42,031 w., 4 Ch. ||  H/C, Injury, Slow Burn) – When John's left arm becomes paralysed after a car accident, Mary asks Sherlock to take him back to Baker Street to recuperate, as she's about to give birth. Despite the fact that the search for Moriarty is ongoing, Sherlock takes John in and takes responsibility for overseeing his rehabilitation as he adjusts to the loss of his arm.

Guidelines by WithLoweredVoices (M, 43,018 w., 15 Ch. || Winglock || Angels, Fantasy, Angst, BAMF! John, War, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Jealous John, Falling in Various Ways, Needy Sherlock, Wings) – The Good Soldier, one of the oldest and strongest of the fallen, is offered a bargain: to live as John Watson and to Guide a fledgling archangel so that he will stay on the path of good. Of course, Sherlock Holmes has different ideas about his destiny. Fantasy AU. Warnings for violence, occasional gore, and a whole load of hurt and angst.

Left by lifeonmars (M, 45,153 w., 9 Ch. || Magical Realism, BAMF!John, Slow Burn) – John Watson is left-handed. He’s tried not to let it affect his life, but as any Lefty knows, that’s almost impossible.

Impossible to Feign by achray (M, 49,204 w., 12 Ch. || TRF Rewrite / Reverse Reichenbach, Suicidal Ideations / Discussions, Drug Use/Abuse, Mutual Pining, Friends With Benefits, John Accepts his Sexuality, Anxious Sherlock, Meddling Mycroft, Depression, Hallucinations, Secret Agent John, BAMF John, Reunion, Make-Up Sex, Ambiguous Ending) – Sherlock leant forward, his long fingers curving round to grip John’s.“I won’t let him win,” he said, eyes hard. “I will do whatever it takes to get you out.”

Coventry by standbygo (E, 52,020 w., 26 Ch. || Dollhouse AU || Case Fic, Slow Burn, Sci-Fi / Fantasy, First Kiss / Time, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, BAMF John, Falling in Love) – “Let me get this straight,” John said, wondering when his life had become a science fiction film. “Some guy orders up a personality, a person, to his specifications, and they program this into a real live person, who has consented to do this, and she goes to this person and acts as his wife, or lawyer, or Royal Marine, or Navy Seal or what have you, and she has all the skills, all the knowledge, everything? Then you say the magic words, and she follows you back to The House, and they erase it all until her next appointment?”

Albion and the Woodsman by Glenmore (NR [E], 54,437 w., 50 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post S3, Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst, Family, Drug Use, Depression, Sherlock POV, Light Humour, Reconnecting, Declarations of Love) – Sherlock and John are devastated after Mary Morstan makes her final moves. Sherlock relapses at the crack house, John walks around the world … and a lot happens in between. Parentlock, in the good way.

Wars We Fought, Things We're Not by blueink3 (M, 55,204 w., 10 Ch. || Post S3 / Post TAB, Parentlock, Fluff & Angst, Kidnapping, Whump, Post-TAB, UST/URT, 3G, Mild Peril, Slow Burn, Couple for a Case, Protective Mycroft, Infant Death Pre-Story, Friends to Lovers) –  Five months after John's world has fallen apart, Mycroft sends the consulting detective and his doctor on a case that neither is prepared for.

A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w., 16 Ch. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because...new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride... prepare for blast off. Part 1 of SpaceBois go to Space

The Thing Is by TSylvestris (E, 56,743 w., 21 Ch. || Case Fic, Dev. Rel., Anal/Oral, Blow Jobs, Meddling Mycroft, Drama, Romance, Humour, Casual Encounters, Pining Idiots, Possessive Sherlock, Orgasm Delay, Rough / Alley Sex, Public Sex, John Whump, Drugged John, Emotional Love Making, Awkward Relationship, Marriage of Convenience, Switchlock, BAMF John) – The problem with living with Sherlock, John thought, was that you never, never, ever knew the significance of anything. Like your flatmate's nose buried in your hair. Whilst you're in bed. Part 1 of Nitroglycerine

The Burning by SrebrnaFH (M, 60,658 w., 24 Ch. || Reverse Reichenbach, Suicide, Depression, Hurt Sherlock / John, Separation, BAMF John, Good Big Brother Mycroft, Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, Fake Character Death, Rescue Mission, Reconciliation / Reunion, Hospitalization, Marriage Proposal, Illnesses, Physical Therapy, Happily Ever After) – Something went very, very wrong. John had seemed, if not happy, then reasonably content with his life. Sherlock had never predicted something like THIS might have happened. Not in his worst nightmares. He was the lousiest friend ever, apparently. At least Mycroft found him something to occupy his mind with, so that he didn't have to go back to 221B and stare at the walls and the chair, where John Watson would never sit again.

Perdition's Flames by i_ship_an_armada (E, 63,435 w., 21 Ch. || Treklock AU, Est. Rel, Genetic Engineering, Angst & Fluff, BAMF!John) – Sherlock would do anything to save him. Risk anything. Give anything. His money, his life. His soul. What he does, though, is change both of their destinies forever. Genetic re-engineering is the only option left. It turns out researchers underestimated the life expectancy and potential abilities of genetically re-engineered subjects. The British government and what would eventually become the United Federation of Planets, however, had not. Part 1 of PF Universe

Hell Sent, Heaven Bound by ConsultingHound (M, 64,381 w, 16 Ch. || Angels / Demons AU ||  Fallen Angel Sherlock / Angel Cop John, Alternate First Meeting, Slow Burn, Case Fic, John & Lestrade are Friends Before Sherlock, BAMF John, Mind Palace John, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Sherlock Picks Out John’s Clothing, Clubbing / Dancing, Mildly Jealous John, Awkwardness, Kidnapping, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Sacrifice, Worried / Anxious Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Immortal to Mortal) – Ex-War healer and current angelic guard John Watson is not having the best day. He overslept, he’s underpaid, and now there’s someone tagging the Council’s building walls. However things may be about to get interesting: there’s an unusual stranger hanging around (the definition of tall, dark, and handsome), a literal underground cult is brewing, and rumblings are coming from hell. Can he keep his neighbourhood safe, how and why is he being connected to all this, and who the hell is Sherlock Holmes?

Watches 'Verse by bendingsignpost (E, 66,905 w. across 2 works || Magical Realism, Reality Distortion, Angst, Partial MCD, BAMF John) – First, he is shot in Afghanistan. Second, he wakes to a phone call in Chelmsford, Essex. Third is pain, fourth is normalcy, fifth is agony and sixth is confusion. By the eighth, he's lost track. (John-centric AU) Part 1 of Watches 'Verse

Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he's consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.

The Green Blade by verityburns (T, 72,929 w., 15 Ch. || Casefic, Bromance) – As a serial killer hits the headlines, the police are out of their depth and the next victim is out of time. With faith in Sherlock Holmes at an all time low, this is a case which will push loyalties to the limit...

Darkling, I Listen by You_Light_The_Sky (T, 73,254 w., 8 Ch. || Fairy Tale AU || Loosely Based on Beauty and the Beast, Magical Realism, Suicidal Themes, Romance, Creepiness, Adventure) – No one who enters old London ever comes out. They say that the beast devours them. When his sister disappears, John ventures into the dead zone beyond the wall, and finds a brilliant madman under a terrible curse... Part 1 of Darkling I Listen + Extras, Deleted Scenes

Summit Fever by J_Baillier (M, 78,802 w., 18 Ch. || Mountain Climber AU || POV John, Angst, Tragedy, Suicidal Ideation, The Himalayas, Mountain Guide / Doctor John, Mount Climber Sherlock, Loneliness, Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Injured Sherlock / Sherlock Whump, Pining John) – After graduating from medical school, John Watson followed his heart to the Himalayas. Ten years later, he's a haunted cynic working for his ex-lover's trekking and mountaineering company. Will leading an expedition to Annapurna I—the most lethal of all the world's highest mountains—shake John out of his reverie, and who is the mystery client added to the group at the last minute?

The Monument of Memory by J_Baillier (M, 79,663 w., 14 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It Fic / S4 is Canon, Angst, Family Drama, Guilt, Case Fic, John Loves Sherlock, Complicated Feelings, Mentalism / Hypnosis, Murder, Grieving John, Sherlock is a Bit Not Good, Team Work, Trust Issues, BAMF John, Psychological Trauma, Protective John, Autistic-Spectrum Sherlock, Parentlock, John POV) –  A genius traumatised by a past he's only beginning to recall. The psychopath sister that time forgot. A missing woman and a mentalist who may or may not be a murderer. And, in the middle of it all, stands John Watson.

Secrets and Revelations by Hisstah (E, 83,535 w., 9 Ch. || Sentinel / Guides Omegaverse AU || Adventure, Violence, Anal / Oral, Omega!John / Alpha!Sherlock, Case Fic, Politics, Mild DubCon) – Dr John Watson has some major secrets that he's kept from his flatmate, Alpha Sentinel Sherlock Holmes. Now the Sentinel Tower is after him. Can John stay out of their hands until he can reveal his secrets to Sherlock? Part 1 of Secrets and Revelations

Thermocline by J_Baillier (M, 83,557 w., 14 Ch. || Scuba Diving AU || Adventure, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Marine Archaeology, Asexual Sherlock, Horny John, Relationship Drama, Technical/Scuba/Wreck Diving, Slow Burn, Underwater /  Medical Peril, Doctor John, Hurt Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, John POV, Protective John, Body Appreciation) – John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?

Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU ||  BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Drug Rehab, Falling in Love, Pining Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Violin, Panic Attacks, Switching, Anxious / Protective Sherlock, Hugs for Comfort, Suicide Mentions, Healing Each Other) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn't truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes." Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest

Given In Evidence by verityburns (M, 97,884 w., 19 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Angst, Drama, Case Fic, Romance, BAMF!John, Submissive Sherlock, First Kiss, Humour) – Coming back from the dead can be a complicated business. With a new case on the horizon, rebuilding a life is one thing... rebuilding a friendship quite another. For Sherlock and John, things may never be just the same...

Maintenance and Repair by patternofdefiance (E, 106,650 w., 71 Ch. || Future AU, Augmentation || Augmented John, Depression, Body Modification, Slow Burn, Worldbuilding, Sci-Fi, Self-Care, Body Dysmorphia) – John wants to explain the rush of sensation and data, which is just another form of sensation (or is it the other way around?). John wants to say: Augmentation circuits report temperature, pressure, various forms of quantitative input. Sudden changes are reported as pain, since sudden changes are dangerous, and pain is the quickest way to encourage reflexive extraction. But all John can manage is, “Nng.” Because this sudden touch is not reporting as pain. Part 2 of STATIC

Shatter the Darkness (Let the Light In) by MojoFlower (E, 109,683 w., 23 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Genie/Djinn AU || Magical Realism, Kidnapping, Genie Sherlock, First Kiss / Time, Case Fic, H/C, Angst, Clubs, John Whump, Mild DubCon, Hand / Blow Jobs, Torture) – Fairy tales are for those who remember how to dream; not John Watson, broken and hiding from his bleak future in a beige bedsit. But then he discovers a lamp and finds himself in the dangerous riptide of an enigmatic man whose very existence is unbelievable, murder charges against his sister, and the growing pains of feeling alive once more.

Two Two One Bravo Baker by abundantlyqueer (E, 114,574 w., 27 Ch. || Military AU || Afghanistan, War Story, Thriller, Switchlock, Rimming, Emotional Lovemaking, Lots of Sex, HJ/BJ’s) – Captain John Watson of 40 Commando, the Royal Marines, is assigned to protect and assist Sherlock Holmes as he investigates what appears to be a simple war atrocity in Afghanistan. An intense attraction ignites between the two men as they uncover a conspiracy that threatens everything they’ve ever known, but Sherlock is as much hunted as hunter, and everyone close to him is in deadly danger. Can he solve the case in time to save himself and John? Part 1 of Two Two One Bravo Baker Universe

Breakable by MissDavis (E, 117,627 w., 34 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE, WiP || Established Relationship, Major Character Injury, Fluff/Angst, Depression, Paralysis/Disabilities, Hurt/Comfort, POV Sherlock, Mental Health Issues, Drug Use, Happy-ish Ending) – After John is seriously injured, Sherlock struggles to figure out how to help him, keep himself sane, and maybe, just maybe, get their life back to the way it's supposed to be. Part 1 of Breakable Not Broken

The Burning Heart by May_Shepard (M, 119,150 w., 21 Ch. || Canon Divergence, Post-TRF, John’s Sexuality, S3 Rewrite, Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV John Watson, John’s Gay) – When Sherlock dies, John Watson feels like his life is over too. He’s completely shut down, until Mark Morstan, a new nurse at John’s medical clinic, catches his attention, and helps him uncover the long buried truth of his attraction to men. Although he’s certain he’ll never get over Sherlock, John plans to move on, and build a new life with Mark, unaware that Sherlock is not quite as dead as he appears, and that Mark is hiding secrets of his own.

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

[stargaze-issei]

ᴅᴀʏ 𝟷𝟼; ᴍᴏsᴛ ᴀᴛᴛʀᴀᴄᴛɪᴠᴇ ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ

-> shimizu kiyoko.

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭; kiyoko evokes memories of her lost love.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬; mentions of death, grieving.

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭; 1.4k

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞; angst.

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞; yeah u should listen to mr loverman by rick montgomery bc i wrote it while listening to that song 😃 yes i killed the reader what y'all gonna do bout it

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kiyoko couldn't remember a time withouth your bright smile in her days, scaring the gray clouds away. you would sit outside her house, right by her side, sharing laughs and secrets. kiyoko kept those memories lock inside her mind, as her most precious secret, and she would always do it, no matter how long it passed.

"kiyo look! i made a ring with a flower!" her eyes, hid behind a big pair of glasses, showed amazement. she didn't care that your hands were covered in dirt after playing on the garden for hours while she read, safely on a bench, following your every move. "give me your hand" you demanded, grabbing it by yourself without giving her time to react.

despite your usual energic being, like most eight years old, whenever you were around your friend, she felt like fine china. a sudden feeling of fear ran down her back, accompanied by a warmness in her belly. you took her ring finger, placing your newest work on it with more care than ever in your life, affraid you would hurt her. to you, and everyone actually, kiyoko was like a porcelain doll. her fair skin, her beautiful face, her sweet voice, confirmed your hypothesis. the first time you saw kiyoko in the playground, you had to ask your parent if she was a real girl, because you've never seen someone that pretty.

"o-only married couples share rings, y/n" she said quietly, going over your gift with her free hand. leaving aside her complain, she seemed to be delighted with it.

"then we'll get married, and i'll give you all the rings in the world!"

shimizu had those words inked on her brain for quite a while, even now ten years later, they would come back. she wasn't sure if it was a memory or a dream anymore. her phone vibrated on her night table, showing a text from tanaka saying he was on his way there, with a sigh, she got up from her bed, thinking on making something to eat for her boyfriend. on days like that, she would prefer being alone, but she couldn't say no to him. he was good to her.

the girl walked down the hall which connected the living room with the dorms, looking at the walls, searching for you with her eyes. a smile formed on her lips when she saw the picture, you eternally kissing her cheek, grabbing onto her face, making her smile more brightly than ever in her life. she thanked her mom internally for taking that picture, after all, it was the only one you two had. her fingers reached your image, following your traces as if that way, she could actually feel your skin against her again. kiyoko always regretted not kissing you one more time, not holding you in her arms for a second longer.

"try to sleep, or you'll end up falling asleep in the middle of the race tomorrow" kiyoko smiled at your sleepy voice, she knew you were sleeping when she decided on calling you, despite knowing you wouldn't get mad, she still felt a little guilty for waking you in the middle of night.

"i can't sleep, i'm too nervous" it was your turn to smile, thinking on how cute she must've looked while talking. it was almost a routine, her anxiety appearing before an important competition. "can you talk to me, please?"

her wishes were granted, you started talking about the last show you watched, in a low, soft tone. you were aware kiyoko felt safe with you, safe enough to sleep with you, and how she found comfort on you. you still felt reluctlant to her only being able to sleep at the sound of your voice, but her kitten like snores came sooner than usual. you found yourself laying in bed, eyes closed, listening to her sounds, and a while later, you too fell in morpheous arms.

a knock on the door scared her memories away, leaving her on the verge of tears. she hurried to the bathroom, trying to wash off the hints of sadness in her face before letting ryunosuke in. he kissed her as a greeting, hugging her by the waist. kiyoko wanted to get away, like the act was disrespectful to your memory. she knew she was wrong though, you wouldn't want her sulking for the rest of her life, thinking of what could've been if life wasn't so damn awful.

"brought dinner" smiled her boyfriend, not realizing what was she going through. it itsn't his fault, kiyoko thought, he doesn't even know she existed.

they set the table for two, talked a little while eating and watched a movie. tanaka wasn't good at taking hints, but even him sensed there was something wrong. he excused himself at midnight, saying he needed something from his house for work tomorrow, maybe she needed some time alone. kiyoko was grateful, because she kept thinking she was cheating on you. so stupid, i can't cheat on someone who isn't here.

kiyoko laid in bed once again, hugging a pillow. it always happened around this time of the year, she should be used to it by now, according to her old therapist. except that she wasn't, not at all. you were always on her mind, but these days she just couldn't escape. it killed her to think about all the broken promises, the things left unsaid. you had plans together, so many plans. in middle school, she longed the day you would travel with each other, conquering the world by your side. she wanted to go back home and find you there, kiss you every night and every morning, have children with you and grow old together as you had done until that day, to know it would never be possible was enough to make her feel miserable.

she kept a box under her bed, almost empty, with the last few things she had of you. a shirt you wore to sleep, a rushed note saying how much you loved her and an old stuffed bear kiyoko won for you at a carnival. that was all she could find in her house of you after the incident, all she was allowed to keep. the first few months she couldn't even bring herself to look at your belongings, how was it possible that your whole existence was reduced to this? you were so much things to kiyoko, nowhere near what those stuff represented. you were love, you were happiness, you were freedom, you were all kiyoko wanted in life and you were ripped away from her.

at two a.m, she found herself once again awake, but she was well aware of the fact that you weren't there to save her anymore. what was she supposed to do when she needed you, more than ever? in a mess of tears, she went outside, headed for her car. the air was cold, hostile, like it was warning her to stay home. the mostly empty streets were perfect for her desperate speed, barely stopping at red lights. she made a road of twenty minutes in ten, a road she hadn't done in quite a while. nonetheless, she knew what she was looking for was still there. kiyoko ran out her car when she got there, crossed the gate, gaining a suspicious look from the guard. she walked towards you, knowing the way a little too well for someone who didn't visit in years.

your name read in the grave, and the remaining force she had in her legs was suddenly gone. tears drowned her sight, holding tightly to the ground beneath hear. sometimes, kiyoko questioned herself if you really existed, she lost all contact with your family after, not being able to see anyone who looked like you, but in that moment, all her supressed memories came back. your first kiss, a peck on the lips, so fast that it might've not even happened, only it did, and it was followed by deeper, better kisses, and eternal love declarations. the first time she held your hand, how flustered you got over her taking the initiative. falling asleep in your arms, you caressing her hair. you kissing her strech marks, promsing you loved her just as she was. the image of your happy self, bursting into cheerings everytime she won a race, filled with pride. all your picnics together, beach days, roadtrips, night snick outs.

everything was real, kiyoko was sure of it. your love for her was real, her love for you couldn't be stopped, not even by death. it hurt so bad, all she wanted to do was see you one more time, feel your warm body against hers. she needed you with her, and it was tearing her apart.