#i listened to like four hozier albums while making this

[qpjianghu]

Mysterious Lotus Casebook (2023)

(insp.)

[yarpharp]

Cosmo Sheldrake as a musician is strange to me. Not in a bad way per se, but that I can listen to his entire discography and puzzle out all his inspirations. And also, his voice makes him appealing to a whole subset of people who probably A) listen to Hozier a great deal and B) crave even weirder lyrics than what Hozier supplies.

Cosmo Sheldrake has the latent manic energy of The Beatles when they were at their peak. His shit screams "my parents had a vinyl copy of St. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band and it changed me on an atomic level." He's got unique sounds and classical instruments and bizarre sound recordings while he sings diddies about animals or ballads with heavy percussion in the background.

But then you also have to say he probably listened to some more electronic shit, some more classic 70s ballad singers. Did he listen to Cat Stevens? Very high chance. Did he listen to Daft Punk or maybe a few shit techno guys in his life? Probably.

But also: he made two albums of just... Strange exploratory ambient music. One was themed about owls and forests while the other was the ocean. He KNEW there were girlies out there who wanted Hozier nature vibes but some spice added in. Those cottagecore girlies.

Cosmo Sheldrake is strange to me. He's a lot of throwback but also has a vocal quality that's four pitches away from sounding like a hit folk singer.

[britany1997]

Bands the modern Lost Boys would listen to

(Feel free to add your own Lost Boys music headcanons!)

David:

•Father John Misty- FJM writes music for male manipulators and people with religious trauma, of which I believe David is both. His favorite album is Fear Fun because it’s more centered on chaos and atheism, as opposed to FJM’s later albums which are more about love and himself. His favorite song is Fun Times In Babylon because it’s a song about good times in the Biblical archetype of an evil, hedonistic city and that sounds like a fun time to him. He also enjoys listening to You Can Do It Without Me, and God’s Favorite Customer because they feed his god complex. He loves that FJM sings quite a bit about smoking, sex, and death, all things David is totally down with.

•Radiohead- Also music for male manipulators. His favorite songs are Burn the Witch (ironically since the song is about a society plagued by paranoia, but in David’s case it’s not paranoia, he actually IS a supernatural evil creature), Karma Police (because everyone who messes with them WILL get what’s coming to them) and Paranoid Android. One time a guy on the boardwalk said to him, “oh you like Radiohead? Have you heard Creep?” And David ate him almost immediately.

Dwayne:

•Hozier- I just think Dwayne likes woodsy deep voice folk rock guys so he’d vibe with Hozier. Also I think he cares about female pleasure more than any of the other boys and so does Hozier. His favorite album is Hozier’s self-titled album and his favorite songs on the album are Work song, because of the promise of devotion and love from beyond the grave, Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene, because of the juxtaposition in the song between the pure and the cruel, and Arsonist’s Lullaby, specifically because of the lines “Don’t you ever tame your demons / But always keep them on a leach.” Unlike his chaotic brothers, Dwayne is a bit more calculating in his debauchery, like the main character of that song. He also enjoys NFWMB and Shrike and is eagerly awaiting Hozier’s new album.

•The War on Drugs- Listening to them almost makes Dwayne feel nostalgic for the 80s as The War on Drugs are the self-proclaimed rock n roll synthesists of the century (reminds him of the pre-Michael days🥲). His favorite album is A Deeper Understanding and his favorite song on the album is Pain, a song about losing a struggle against the darker side inside a person.

•Lord Huron- More woodsy folk rock. He’s a romantic at heart so he loves She Lit a Fire, Fool for Love, Ends of the Earth, and The Night we Met. His favorite song by Lord Huron is Meet Me in the Woods, especially the lines at the end: “Follow me into the endless night / I can bring your fears to life / Show me yours and I’ll show you mine / Meet me in the woods tonight.” There’s a strong possibility he’s quoted those lyrics to a meal

Paul:

•Greta Van Fleet- They’re like a modernized Led Zeppelin, they make him nostalgic. AND they’re four guys with cool jackets in a band together!!! Paul’s like, ‘guys they’re us:)’ He loves how the band’s albums flow and tell epic stories about worlds plagued by war, destruction, and waiting for peace. His favorite album is the Battle at Garden’s Gate, he likes the instrumentals better on that one and he thinks the vocals are more raw and throaty. His favorite song on that album is Stardust Chords, especially for the lines “Even sinners go to drink the wine / Break the bread” reminding him that even as an evil being, he’s still able to indulge in life and community. He also loves Highway Tune, a song about falling with a beautiful girl while driving on the highway (literally him on his motorcycle every night)

•Lady Gaga- Paul loves the Glam pop-rock of early Lady Gaga, he loves how revolutionary her music is for it’s time, and he appreciates her loud and unique style as well. Also, I HC that Paul is bi (he loves people and not genders, he just like me) and listening and dancing to Lady Gaga let’s him express and celebrate his sexuality! He sees no reason to hide who he is. He loves Poker Face, Born this Way and Monster

•I also think he listens to female rappers and R&B artists who are open with their sexuality and sexual pleasure like Janelle Monáe, FKA Twigs, Doja Cat, SZA, and Nicki Minaj he’s all for the sexual liberation of women in the modern era. Especially Janelle Monáe though for her songs about sexual expression and gender identity. Janelle has described herself as “a free ass motherfucker” and Paul vibes with that energy. He loves Americans, a song about subverting traditional American values in favor of loving people for who they are, I Like That, a song about sexuality and self-acceptance, and Make Me Feel, a song celebrating bisexuality. He also enjoys Django Jane, Pynk and Tightrope.

Marko:

•ALL pop-punk, all of it. But especially Fall Out Boy- He’s not a huge fan of MANIA but he loves the other albums, especially the older stuff. His favorite album is Save Rock And Roll the instrumentals of the songs on that album are his favorite AND Elton John and Courtney Love are featured on the album and he loves them both. His favorite song on the album is Death Valley. He likes their older stuff as well like Sugar We’re Goin Down (he doesn’t care that people think it’s overplayed, it’s a banger) Of All the Gin Joints In The World, Fame < Infamy, and Immortals (for obvious reasons)

•Tally Hall- He’s like, a band that writes songs about existential chaos? Sign him the fuck up. He loves Ruler of Everything, he finds it sort of ironic because the song is about the frivolity of life and inevitability of death, yet for him, death is not inevitable. He also loves Cannibal (obviously) it’s a metaphor for the singer, it is NOT a metaphor for him >:) and Turn the Lights Off, especially the lines “Everybody wants to get evil tonight / But all good devils masquerade under the light.” Marko has the face of an Angel, but is usually depicted as the most brutal of the boys, he literally is a devil that masquerades under the light.

Bonus: All the boys listen to the Killers, for their grunge rock music (their favorite songs are On Top, Glamorous Indie Rock and Roll, and The Man), Muse for their anti-government rock (Their favorites are Uprising, Supermassive Black Hole, and Resistance) and Thrice for the woodsy rock (Their favorite songs are Black Honey, Blood on Blood, and Beyond the Pines). And of course, they listen to all the same bands they listened to in the 80s as well: Mötley Crüe, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Van Halen, Echo & the Bunnymen, Metallica, etc…

[sevenswansmp3]

tagged by @hauntedwoman to talk about 5 things i’m obsessed with <33333 thank you!!!

1. succession surprise, surprise. i’ve finally gotten around to starting a full succession rewatch and i’ve been taking notes. first and foremost, one of my missions for this rewatch was to really focus in on shiv as a character because the first time i watched it and then rewatched it, i was a huge tom and kendall girl and honestly really did not like shiv :( but i recognize now that my dislike for her was mostly a result of my own internalized misogyny and also because she is a woman written by men and they really do their best to make her one of the less sympathetic characters in the show. i also think that a big chunk of fans online (esp twitter) are quick to label her an evil woman and, when defending their pov, they tend to bring up her behavior towards tom and kendall while also ignoring how both tom and kendall have treated her. i’m really enjoying this rewatch and have really grown to love shivvy. her relationship with tom also reminds me a lot of macbeth and lady macbeth and i think that their relationships have a lot of parallels and i find it very very interesting!!! i’m hoping to compile enough evidence to write something comprehensible about it. also, ROMAN. i literally did not give a shit about roman until the last few episodes of season four which is crazy but something has come over me. i think it’s his issues with intimacy and refusal to let anyone like actually see him and love him that has really bonded me to him <3 additionally there is something about kieran culkin (and rory…) that has bewitched me this summer. i think it’s kieran’s little fangs. i’m obsessed

2. the enormity of my desire disgusting me <3 welcome to truelovewaitsmp3 on tumblr dot com. this summer, i don’t think i’ve opened my journal without writing about how bad i want someone to love me, to look at the mess of my insides and all of this gross desire and love me anyways. to quote something i said to katy alpacinolover in an email, “I DON’T WANT SOMETHING CASUAL. I WANT TO BE THE PREY IMPALED ON YOUR SHRIKE’S THORN.” there’s something to be said about shame here and probably a million other things but i’ve written it so many times already that i don’t care to repeat it here.

3. ??? (stone fruits) two weeks ago, i bought a carton of nine plums from a local produce market. i had been rotting on the couch all day and decided that if i didn’t get up and put on real clothes and go buy a plum i was going to die. the most erotic experience i’ve ever had was eating a plum over newly washed cream sheets, plum viscera under my nails and between my teeth, wine colored juice dripping down my chin and onto my sheets. when the plums were gone, i found two forgotten nectarines in the fridge. i have been assigned “the love song of j alfred prufrock” for three different classes over the last four years (high school english, western humanities and then british lit in college) and each time, the line “do i dare eat a peach” was said to refer to prufrock’s acid reflux. in my american lit class, my professor brought it up one day and told us that it referred to oral sex. anyways. a nectarine is not a peach but i find the experience just as enjoyable.

4. wasteland, baby (2019) for whatever reason, i’ve always gravitated more towards hozier’s first album. however, over the past two months, i have listened through wasteland, baby an insane amount of times. something about the world ending and having someone there to hold through it. this album is also so incredibly sexy and is home to the horniest and sweetest hozier songs (TALK, be, dinner & diatribes, movement, etc). at the end of the title track, hozier whispers “that’s it” and i lose my mind. nfwmb is an honorary wasteland baby track, to me, and also a song that makes me insane and that i have had on repeat lately. i’m scared and excited to see what unreal unearth is going to do to me.

5. a past that i cannot go back to !!!! my hometown is filled with too many ghosts. summer digs them back up. i drive past her mom’s house and have to see her stupid car. someone else comes into work and i have to be reminded of everything i’ve missed out on. i have written about the same thing so many times i’m afraid that my story is metamorphosing.

hiiii ok i’m tagging @alpacinolover (i know you’ve already been tagged by someone else but i really need you to do this) @motherofvinegar @kenromshiv and anyone else who wants to do it! im tagging u.

[inkofamethyst]

April 2, 2024

daylist: reading orchestra tuesday afternoon (unwinding, zen, composer, atmospheric, film score)

2024 Early Year Bops!

god I've discovered so much new music these past couple of weeks, but there are def some standouts

Full Moon - Avi Kaplan

Sun I Will Rise - Dune Moss

Stampede - Bitter Ruin

The Old Witch Sleep and the Good Man Grace - The Amazing Devil

Fire with Fire - AlicebanD

From the Start - Laufey

Oh My - Ava Swan, Christian Dias

Wait for Me - Hadestown

Blood Upon the Snow - Hozier, Bear McCreary

Lament of Orpheus - Darren Korb, Ashley Barret

And some instrumentals/vgm <3

The City Must Survive - Piotr Musial

Havet - Joel Bille

Mountain Banjo - Rhiannon Giddens

One (somewhat facetious) question though, how will I be able to properly appreciate each song if I discover like ten new favorites a week? Like there's so much music out there to enjoy and I'm having a bit of trouble conceptualizing how I'm going to go about doing that effectively (read, the way I've been doing for years). Well.. I don't want to be so closed off to new music anymore, I don't think. So something's going to have to change. We'll see how long it lasts.

I really can be such a child sometimes.

I listened through Cowboy Carter with my literature-, cello-, and photo-friend over the weekend. A really really great album, and it was actually a lot of fun (though at times tedious) to discuss each song individually (had to actively not compare myself to my literature-friend who was obviously going to have more poignant thoughts because she literally studied how to do exactly that for four years while I was measuring bones and centrifuging bovine serum albumin). It had something to say and took risks (well, as much of a risk as you can take as an uber-successful artist who could live after a flop). Initial favorites include Protector, Daughter, Riverdance.

Was thinking about how to best go about learning the bass to make it the most conducive to improvisation and ~jamming~. I get so in my head when I improvise on flute and sax that I simply can't, and I don't want to be like that on my the bass. Right now, I'm wondering about minimizing the importance of note names and instead focusing on making the instrument feel like an extension of my body is the way to go. Because after learning my way around the neck, I imagine that associating note names to frets should be a quick memorization task. Not neglecting scales, but maybe just not emphasizing their names (C, Bb, F, etc) as much as their modes(?) (chromatic, major, pentatonic, etc) and getting comfortable with the feeling across the neck + playing by ear.

Today I'm thankful that Southwest announced a sale just as I was thinking about buying tickets to go home sometime this summer! I bought a trip for early July (specifically due to a dentist appointment lol) but am thinking that I might also buy a late August trip too since they're fairly low right now and I wouldn't lose money if I happened to have to cancel/swap. Also thankful for the "tax return" which has meant that I don't have to dig into savings for this.

[iantimony]

tuesday!

listening: like everyone and their mother i listened to the new hozier songs this week. they're fine! i dont have any particularly strong feelings about them either way yet, i think i need to relisten to them a few times for it to really get processed, but they were good enough that i'll certainly listen again. i also went and relistened to wasteland, baby because of it and that album still slaps. also, this cherry wine cover:

is very good. i also relistened to the staves' album dead & born & grown because i realized i have windows facing west hehe. what else...my partner's citypop playlist was my music for driving home from the airport on sunday? i wont link that one i'm not sure if it's public or not. and then gym playlist this week was just one of the spotify-made mixes that kinda slams tbh, very early-00s to 10s metal/emo music lol

i've also gotten back into twilight mirage after a bajillion years. it's good! none of the characters really stick in my head besides tender sky and fourteen fifteen unfortunately but hopefully as i listen more they'll become more distinct entities in my head.

reading: i finished the birthday of the world while i was visiting my grandma for spring break!

"solitude": hmmm. this one was interesting. it left me with a lot of questions but i think that might have been the point. 6/10.

"old music and the slave woman": i think i might have benefited from more background, i was mostly able to piece together the factions but i definitely had to puzzle over it a bit. apparently there are a lot of links to stories in another collection, four ways to forgiveness, and i'm thinking that i might have wanted to read those first. 4/10.

"the birthday of the world": title story! felt very different from all the other stories in the book, probably because this one and the following novella are the only two set outside of the hainish universe. i liked it. no strong feelings in any particular direction, i don't think. 5/10.

"paradises lost": the novella! i LOVED this one. i dont know if i was somehow exposed to it as a kid, or i learned about generation ships as a story concept from somewhere else, but i often thought about writing a short story about what religion on a generation ship would look like and turns out what i was envisioning already exists. the concept of the cult of bliss felt very realistic and almost obvious in hindsight as something that was bound to happen. i know it's left open on purpose but i reallllly want to know what happened to the ship after it left. i really loved the themes of this one. 9/10.

watching: i watched an episode of the mystery show 'vera' with my grandma when i was visiting lol. it was cute! very kitschy, genre fodder! i liked it! i was very confused because the closing quip/shot seemed to be about the titular character...shoplifting a jacket or something???? like she asked her coworker if she looked any different and he was like ? and she was like ok great and the final shot is her sitting in her car seat and annoyedly ripping the tag off her jacket, so like, ???? not sure if that's a Thing that people know just from watching a lot of it but shrug.

making: iiiiii did not work on my knitting project at all LOL but i did make my neocities site! here she is! still very in progress but hey :D

misc: trip to visit grandma/s and family went fine! everyone is doing well. back to the grind this week.

oh so the gift from my SO: he likes metalworking and similar things so he made me this necklace!

it is, apparently, titanium with embedded sapphire ball bearings! the ball bearings glow in the dark after UV exposure and they're the prettiest shade of teal, it's also a very satisfying fidget texture-wise. he asked me a few months ago what my favorite constellation is and i went "......cassiopeia i guess?? why???" "oh no reason" this was the reason. it's very nice i love it so much

finally, ive started noting down my workout stuff on my dreamwidth page as well! i thought it could be cool to keep track of what weights i'm using over time, what exercises i like and don't like, etc. so that's on there tagged as gains. huzzah

[bbugyu]

what non-svt song(s) remind you of each member?🥰

omg I HAVE SO MANY i literally have playlists dedicated to a bunch of members KFJDHSKF for efficiency sake i'll put songs that remind me of my top 5 members ok KDJHFKHSD complete with spotify links! if anyone wants to know more feel free to send me an ask 😁

dk » to noise making (sing) - hozier

i couldn't name that feeling carried in that voice,

was it that

or just the act of making noise that brought you joy?

this song is just so genuine and has so much clarity that it makes me feel warm and fuzzy about seokmin. idk how to describe the direct relation other than watching dk sing puts these lyrics in my head.

jh » pink lemonade (feat. the attire) - AmPm

you know we both don't have time for small talk on the couch,

so i'll bite my tongue to make up so that we can make out

i don't wanna comment SHSGDHSHDG

sk » cuff it - beyonce

bet you you'll see far, bet you you'll see stars

bet you you'll elevate, bet you you'll need god

cause i feel like falling in love

okay this is mostly just because whenever i listen to a new beyonce/adele/lizzo song i'm like OOOOO I KNOW SEUNGKWAN IS GROOVING TO THIS RN LMAO

js » pulse - shane koyczan and the short story long

and i finally understand those sailors who plant their lips to the ground, i do the same to your body;

it's because you taste like home.

i listened to the album this song is from (a spoken word poet accompanied by a folk band, absolutely lovely) while writing classic. shane koyczan's work is intrinsically about joshua in my brain now.

mg » about you - bv

i'm over here vibing when i think of you smiling

suddenly i'm a mess, can't hide it

four in the morning, i should be falling asleep

but i'm falling for you instead

this song is pretty specifically about ldr so my delusional ass acts like mingyu misses me too LMAO dont judge me i also just think he'd enjoy the vibe of this song haha

[deathbydarkelves]

I decided to make playlists for Cathala and Tarinne plus explanations for why I chose each song because I entered one of those ADHD fugue states and if I didn't finish this task I would die

Anyway here are the two links (they're youtube playlists because I don't have spotify. I would obviously recommend using an adblocker if you're just gonna watch on youtube) and the explanations for each song are below the cut :) Each playlist is about an hour long.

For Tarinne’s:

1. Foggy Nights: I consider this her theme so putting it first as a sort of intro only makes sense.

2. Here’s a Health to the Company: I think this works as an example of her general disposition. She’s a people person, and always a fan of singing these sorts of songs in taverns, on ships, or what have you. It also kind of feels like a sendoff to soldiers, which I imagine symbolizes her joining the Sentinel Army and quickly thereafter fighting in the Third War.

3. Wartime Prayers: Somewhat self-explanatory, this is symbolizing her seeing war for the first time, but I also included it because the last line transitions SO WELL into the next song.

4. The Hollow: This song is an intro to an album I've never heard so I don't know the context, but I really love it because it sounds like someone praying to their deity and like I mean c'mon. Elune. Tarinne's praying to Elune to guide her through the war. Do I need to elabo-

5. Wave Walker: KILL DEATH MAIM AHAHAHAHA

6. Isil Elun’falo: Just a super rad fan-made night elf song that's basically "wow we sure do love Elune" said in twenty different ways for four and a half minutes. But it ROCKS and I LOVE it.

7. Chewing Cotton Wool: This song is about losing a loved one (I did have to check but yeah that's what it is) and I use it to symbolize Tarinne losing her mom during the war. The last line, which includes the song's title, I especially like. It's referring to how morticians (apparently) put cotton gauze in a corpse's throat and mouth to keep body fluids in and make the face look more natural. So there's a fun fact for you.

8. See U Soon (Song for Dad): Just a short lofi piece to rest a bit, and it was also chosen because the title's in reference to Tarinne growing closer to her dad after losing her mom. She still visits him at his leathers and furs shop in Stormwind fairly often, especially after dangerous adventures. She just wants to make sure he knows she's alright ;-;

9. No Lullaby: Right back into it with a song that I use to represent Tarinne's general feeling of not being able to go home because it's not there anymore. She's felt like this since the end of the Third War, but it's especially strong since the whole Teldrassil thing. But I like the ending, "who said you're on your own," because it contrasts the repeating of "alone" in the rest of the song. And it's kinda like "hey, listen, you're not the only one who feels like she can't go home." I mean that's probably how basically every single night elf feels right now skxnks

10. The Moss: This song juxtaposes classic fairy tales with scientific facts about the world and I love it to BITS. I'm using it here to represent both Tarinne's love for storytelling but also her sort of... part-time historian/archaeologist/conservator career.

11. Rasputin: I just associate this song with her for some reason and this was the best place to put it.

12. Electric Feel: Moving on to focus more on Tarinne's relationship with Cathala now. This is an extremely great and somewhat 😏 song that I also included because the electricity theme is appropriate because Cathala has lightning powers and y'know it's from Tarinne's perspective or whatever.

13. Bedroom Hymns: You know why this is here.

14. Movement: I can't talk about love songs without talking about Hozier, okay. This is just a nice, slower song to relax a bit with.

15. Never Let Me Go: I have an entire goddamn music video in my head with Cathala and Tarinne for this song and it’s very dramatic and emotional and I had to include this song or I’d die. Basically just listen to near the end of this song when she's repeating the title over and over, and imagine the two of them seeing each other at opposite ends of a battlefield after the dust settles and they rush towards each other and fall to their knees holding on as tightly as they can because they got separated early on and each thought the other was dead. Then you'll know how I feel when I listen to this song.

16. Nothing That Has Happened So Far Has Been Anything We Could Control: First of all I love the title, and second of all there's a big section in the middle (1:49 to 2:47) that I like to interpret as the two of them grappling with the fact that they're not really quite sure who or what they're fighting for anymore. Their people, yeah, but there's so many alliances and semi-permanent enemies and only-on-every-other-thursday-enemies all intertwined and the world is just so very confusing and they're trying to make the best of it. Elf school didn’t include international, interracial politics in its curriculum. It did however include how to properly plant trees, and AP calculus (this is a joke).

17. In Dreams: I like to imagine this song is something the two of them would say to each other, as a way of saying “even when everything we know is gone, even when the world ends, I will still be by your side. And if I’m not, don’t fear, for I will find you.” It makes a nice note to end on :)

For Cathala’s:

1. muse: Just a nice lofi intro to get us into things :) I don't see this song as her theme, like I do with Tarinne and the first song in her playlist, but I like it quite a bit. I don't actually really have a theme for Cathala yet, I'm currently going with a version of Way of the Monk from WoW's OST but I'm still looking for something better.

2. Frogs Singing: I included this because it's about just appreciating nature, which works because night elf and also mindfulness and meditation is a whole thing.

3. Tongues: This is a song about feeling distant from your peers which is like Cathala's whole existence! She's this weird mix of two cultures and ultimately she feels out of place regardless of where she is or who she's with. Also the theme with not understanding what people are saying works because the poor woman had to learn Pandaren from scratch and that shit ain't easy. I think blizz said somewhere probably that Common is just a language that EVERYONE knows inherently because Video Game but that's bullshit in my opinion. I'll allow spells that let you understand foreign languages to an extent (Comprehend Languages from D&D lets you understand the LITERAL meaning only, which I like), but every culture and species in the universe knowing Common is silly if you think about it for more than two seconds.

4. Kung Fu Fighting: I'm legally required to include this song. Also I prefer the Kung Fu Panda version, I'm sorry.

5. Harder Better Faster Stronger: I vicariously experience having a great work ethic through Cathala and that's why this song is here because she has 999 Determination and does Too Many push-ups every day or something idk. I was gonna say "every morning" but I have a headcanon that elves only need to sleep every couple of days (sort of a nod to "elves don't need to sleep at all" from D&D, and to explain why NIGHT elves are active at all hours of the day) so that doesn't work.

6. What's Up Danger: This song is Cathala's whole Vibe. Almost zero threat assessment skills in this woman's brain. If it can be punched, she will punch it.

7. Eye for an Eye: Fairly self-explanatory, it's a song about wanting revenge so... yeah. Checked that box. It was this or The Vengeful One by Disturbed but ultimately The Vengeful One's religious symbolism probably makes it fit better as a Tyrande theme lol ("I'm the hand of god, I'm the dark messiah." Did you mean: the Night Warrior)

8. Survivor: Cathala's survived a lot of shit and this could kinda be her making fun of herself for it because "Gods, man! Don't I deserve a break!"

9. Ashes: Really the reason I include this song is the last chunk (2:42 to the end) because holy shit. Listen, if I was gonna include a song with fire motifs, it was gonna be a somber one like this.

10. Into the West: This can kinda represent Cathala just trying to fucking breathe and recover from Teldrassil. Also works because I dunno it has stuff to do with the elves in LotR, I haven't seen those movies in a while. It sounds nice and is melancholy so I included it.

11. Like Real People Do: Cathala loves Tarinne a lot you guys have I ever menti-

12. Into the Wild: Tarinne changed Cathala's world for the better and she's super fucking grateful she has her by her side. Kinda goes without saying but you know.

13. Chasing the Moon: I have a vague music video in my head for this of them falling in love and it's very cute so there's that. Also it's in this specific spot because hey she may be deeply traumatized but she's still got a fair number of things/people in her life that make her happy so :)

14. Follow My Girl: I've got a theme going in my head that while Tarinne is fairly certain of her place in the world, Cathala is still trying to find hers. She outlived all her connections on Pandaria because Elf Lifespans(tm) and the only members of her family still alive are distant relatives she never knew very well.

15. Wish That You Were Here: This works both to represent Cathala on Pandaria feeling super homesick, and for more recently after Teldrassil. Either way, it's a message to her parents and sister.

16. Mr. Fear: She does her damnedest to hide it but she's absolutely terrified something like Teldrassil's gonna happen again! That fear drives her to do everything in her power to protect who and what she can. As long as they're not Forsaken, cause she's still got her biases, that compassion even extends across faction lines. She never really got the whole Alliance/Horde thing anyway. Innocent people shouldn't have to die, regardless of who or what they are.

17. Ordinary Day: Not to get super out there but I think this song works as symbolizing Cathala really trying to hold on to her faith in Elune, but ultimately feeling pretty abandoned. I mean she can clearly see Elune's influence everywhere. But Elune sure ain't doing Cathala any favors as far as she can tell! It also ends the whole playlist on maybe a bit of an uncertain/open-ended note, because this "losing faith" aspect is a new thing with her and will definitely be something she continues to struggle with for a while. On a related note, I should say Tarinne is still very much devout but she gets what Cathala's feeling and doesn't force anything on her, and vice versa. And Cathala wouldn't become atheist, the night elves aren't monotheistic and she still worships all the other deities, it's just specifically Elune she's a little :/ on.

[reciprocityfic]

a slight return home, chapter nine

Title: A Slight Return Home Fandom: The Walking Dead Pairing: Rick x Michonne Rating: M Summary: Rick’s death shakes Michonne’s world to its core. With her daughter and her remaining family, she tries to navigate her changed life, and all the struggles and surprises that come with it.

Author’s Note: It's been ages since I've updated this. I'm so sorry. The motivation just wasn't there for the longest time, but good news - it seems to be back! Plus, I just finished my classes for the semester, and I'm not working right now because of the pandemic, so I should have lots of time to write!

I listened to "Mystery of Love" by Sufjan Stevens while I wrote this, and it's obviously where the title comes from. I also listened to "Wasteland, Baby!" from Hozier's album of the same name.

Read the Author's Note at the end after you're done with this chapter. There's some important stuff in there!

Here's chapter nine of A Slight Return Home!

read chapter one on tumblr, archive of our own or ff.net read chapter two on tumblr, archive of our own or ff.net read chapter three on tumblr, archive of our own or ff.net read chapter four on tumblr, archive of our own or ff.net read chapter five on tumblr, archive of our own or ff.net read chapter six on tumblr, archive of our own or ff.net read chapter seven on tumblr, archive of our own or ff.net read chapter eight on tumblr, archive of our own or ff.net read chapter nine on archive of our own or ff.net

the mystery of love

It all changes one day, suddenly.

Spring is at its most robust in Virginia, and the day outside is nothing short of beautiful. The afternoon sun shines brilliantly upon them, the trees are in full bloom, and she can hear birds singing as they fly about.

She's in a good mood, for the first time in what seems like forever. Things have been quiet for a few months now - no new threats, no dangerous communities to fight. And she has the day "off", as they tend to call it; she's not on watch, isn't going on any runs, doesn't have any duties around Alexandria to tend to.

So she's home, and it's so warm outside that she pulled shorts and a t-shirt out of her dresser this morning. The kids just finished up lunch, and quickly scurried outside to continue playing. She can hear their voices along with the chirping of the birds, and it puts her in an even better mood. She smiles as she wipes down the counter where she made sandwiches. Her bare foot taps against the cool hardwood floor of the kitchen as she sings an old Billie Holiday song her mother used to play for her under her breath.

"Michonne?"

She jumps at the sound of her name, drops the rag she's wiping with on the floor and turns towards the noise frantically, one hand gripping the edge of the counter with all her might while the other goes to her back to grab the katana that isn't there.

But when she does turn, she finds it's Rick.

"Shit, Rick!" she breathes, bending over and placing her hands on her knees as her muscles relax. She takes a moment before she stands up again, trying to steel herself for whatever kind of conversation will come next. She tries to disguise her hesitation by reaching down and picking up the rag from the floor, and as she straightens herself, she tosses the wet thing on the counter.

Then, she looks at him.

Things with Rick have still been...difficult. More than difficult. She feels like they're swimming together in a river full of molasses, and not even in the same direction, at times. Any progress is slow and heavy on their limbs. They're sad and sticky and stuck, and making little progress. Maybe not making any progress. And there's always that underlying fear in the pit of her stomach that they'll never make any progress at all.

But she tries not to think that way, keeps telling herself that this will get better if she only gives it time. That she'll find a way to bring him back. Even if it takes twenty years, she'll find a way to bring him back.

He's here in front of her, at least. That's more than she can say on most days. And she's keenly aware that this is the first time she's heard him say her name in over two weeks.

"I'm sorry," he mutters, taking a step back and turning his head to look over his shoulder.

"It's fine," she says quickly, remembering all at once how careful she has to be. He's a skittish, abused animal, constantly hovering along the edges of her world, and if she makes one or two wrong moves, he might run from her.

"It's fine," she tells him again, but she realizes that he's still looking away from her.

"Rick," she calls, but he doesn't move.

"Rick."

She says it more forcefully this time, and he turns back around.

"I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's fine," she assures him again, and he nods slowly, like he's hearing her words for the first time.

Silence falls over them. She waits for him to talk, but he doesn't. Instead, he stares at her, eyes slightly squinted. He used to look at her like that all the time. Before they were together, she never quite knew what it meant, and it made her stomach churn in a way she didn't understand. Afterwards, she knew exactly what it meant, and it still made her stomach churn, but in the best possible way. Because when he looked at her like that, it meant he was thinking of him and her and a bed - or a wall, a couch, a table. Anywhere private. Where they wouldn't be seen, and hopefully not heard.

It's different this time, slightly softer and less penetrating. It's like he's trying to decide something. She wants to stay quiet, to give him the time he needs, but after a minute she starts to fidget, and she can't help but say something.

"What's up?"

He bites his bottom lip, and glances away momentarily before his eyes return to her. His hands fall to his hips, and she almost smiles, because he always used to stand like that. It's a remnant of the past, of a better time. And it's nice to know that at least something about him hasn't changed.

"Can we talk?"

Her eyes widen in surprise. She hadn't been expecting that to be his answer, and resists the urge to jump for joy because maybe this is the start of it, maybe they'll finally get somewhere, instead of just fumbling around in the dark. Maybe they'll turn to face each other in that brown river.

"Yeah," she answers, trying to temper the excitement in her voice. She could still scare him away. "Yeah, of course."

He nods once, and then turns around and walks away. Confusion floods her before she realizes he's headed for the dining room. She looks out the window briefly, to take one more look at her kiddos, and then follows after him.

She finds him standing by the table, and he motions for her to take a seat before he does. Always the gentleman. She half-smiles at him, and then sits at the head of the table.

He walks to the complete opposite side of the table, and takes his seat.

Or maybe he just wanted to make sure he didn't have to sit too close to you, chimes a voice inside her head, but she pushes that thought away. Even if that is true, this is going to be a good thing. They're going to make progress.

She watches him get settled and then waits for him to say something. But again, he hesitates. She waits awhile, and then goes to speak. Prompting worked in the kitchen, after all.

"So what do you want - "

"Is there someone else?"

She doesn't react right away, blinking hard twice. She decides she must've heard him wrong.

"What?" she questions, and the word comes out whispered and half-strangled, but he hears it still, and asks her again.

"Is there someone else? Was there? Is there? I don't know. Does it matter?"

She gapes at him, mouth hanging open. He shifts nervously in his seat.

"It's just, you've been distant since we came home from the infirmary. I know I was gone for...a long time. I mean, I'd understand. Seven years is seven years. It's a long time."

She can't process what's happening, even though her thoughts are racing a mile a minute. It's as if all the gears in her brain stopped working and started up again in strange patterns.

"It's okay. If there is. It's okay. We'd have to think of something with the kids, but other than that, it would probably be pretty easy. I'm sure there are empty houses. Or if not, I could always move in with Daryl, or - "

"I still have all of your clothes?"

She doesn't mean for it to come out sounding like a question, but it does. And she knows it's kind of stupid, but she can't think of something else to say.

"You do," he concedes. "You do. But...I don't know. Things have been...not good. And I know it's my fault, but like I said, you've been distant, too. And I just want you to be happy."

"I'm trying to give you space. To give you time," she murmurs, dazed. "You need time."

"I know. But I just want you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted. All I'll ever want. For you to be happy."

He shrugs.

"Seven years is a long time. And I just want you to be happy."

"Seven years is a long time," she breathes, repeating his words mechanically.

"And I just want to know. I need to know," he amends. "Is there someone else?"

"Is there someone else?" she echos again.

He stops talking, staring at her cautiously. He might be a scared animal, but she's a bomb waiting to explode, ready to go off with the slightest touch. But she's still floundering at the moment, flopping around like a fish on a hook, gasping for breath that won't come.

She looks down at her hands. They're trembling, she realizes. Her heart is beating in double time.

"Michonne," he sighs. The sorrow in his voice is palpable.

And it decides her.

Fuck it. Fuck the waiting, the hesitation, all the caginess. Fuck that constant feeling of teetering on the very edge of a cliff, desperately wondering if someone is going to grab your hand and pull you away, or shove you in the back and push you off.

She knows that there's no going back, she knows that she might scare him off, but she can't do this anymore. She can't. She's tired, so tired, more tired than she's ever been. And she can't do it anymore. She won't.

Fuck it all. She explodes.

She stands abruptly, her chair falling back and crashing to the floor. She pays it no mind. He jumps, but he doesn't get up. He doesn't run.

"Seven years is a long time. Do you think I don't know that? Do you think I didn't feel every day of those seven years?"

She's shouting. She knows she is. But she can't stop herself. She's expelling everything that's been pent up inside her, and she can't stop.

But he's not running.

"I woke up every single one of those days and missed you. Most days I didn't want to. Most days it felt like it would be easier to die than to get out of that bed, but I did it anyway. For Judith, and then for RJ. And for you. For seven years, I did everything for you. Because I knew you would want me to. That you would want me to live."

She's crying. She can feel tears running down her cheeks. And she's right in front of him now.

But he isn't running.

"And so I got up. I lived. And I kept your clothes, and your toothbrush, and every single, little fucking thing because I couldn't do it without you. Without reminding myself that it was what you wanted."

She pulls his chair out from the table, turns it so it faces her. He's still light enough that she can manage it without much effort.

And he doesn't run.

"I talked to you, I went to visit you. I raised our babies. And I loved you. More than anything else, I loved you."

She stops suddenly, her chest heaving. There's tears in his eyes now, too. And she's tired. Tired from yelling, but tired mostly from carrying the weight of everything these past few months have brought. From thinking that at any moment, her world would collapse in on her.

She's so tired. She collapses onto his lap, her head falling into his chest, over his heart.

And he doesn't run. He doesn't even tense.

"And now," she murmurs, "now you want to know if there was someone else? There wasn't anyone else. There isn't, there wasn't, there never will be."

"Michonne."

She feels his voice rumble in his chest. Her name isn't a whisper this time. He doesn't murmur it, or mutter it. He says it, with his whole voice.

She lifts her head.

"Baby," he says, tucking a loc of her hair behind her ear.

She grabs his face with both of her hands, sitting up straight. She hovers over him slightly, close enough now that she can see the light freckles on the bridge of his nose, the flecks of cerulean in his light blue eyes that shine with tears.

And he doesn't run.

"I missed you every day," she tells him. "I loved you every day. I loved - "

He leans up and kisses her.

She doesn't respond at first, because she doesn't expect it. She stills in shock as her brain sputters to make sense of what's happening and her lips don't move back against his. And by the time it registers - that he's not running, that he's kissing her - he pulls away. And the loss of him, of their contact, is so profound that she almost begins to cry harder.

Don't stop, she's about to say, but the words die in her throat as she looks at him.

He's staring up at her again, but his eyes are different. They're not squinted, and the tears in them have dried. And he isn't trying to decide anything. Instead, he looks decided.

He's looking at her like he loves her. Like he's hungry, and the only thing he wants is her.

It's how he used to look at her, almost always. Even when they weren't in the bedroom - when they went on runs, when they were out in the community doing various jobs - there would always be a hint of it, deep in his irises.

She remembers the first time he looked at her like that. That night on the couch, their hearts pounding as they kissed furiously, both of their shirts half untucked, the button of her jeans undone, hands anywhere they could find the other's bare skin. His lips left hers only to kiss across her jaw, down her neck, and settle on her collarbone, where his lips moved and his tongue danced against her skin.

His teeth nipped at her lightly, and she groaned at the pleasurable pain.

He pulled away and hovered over her. She could feel him, cooped up in his jeans, pressing incessantly against her inner thigh. She almost pouted at the sudden stop, and was about to tell him to get back down here, but then she looked into his eyes.

The first time he had pulled away, a few minutes earlier, he had smiled down at her, softly and happily. She held his face, ran her fingers over his cheekbones, and smiled back.

This time, he didn't smile. He stared at her, chest heaving, wild curls framing his face like a halo of dark light, mouth hanging open.

He looked like he wanted to devour her. And he had, that night and so many others after it, thoroughly and absolutely.

It's how he's looking at her now.

She feels a buzzing throughout her body, and a bolt of desire makes her shiver as it settles between her thighs. She wants him. She wants him.

She's never wanted him more.

She doesn't know which one of them leans in again first, but she supposes it doesn't matter, because when their lips crash together, everything flies out of her mind except for him. Him, and his lips and his body and his heart. She places one of her hands on his chest, so she can feel it beat wildly underneath her palm.

(he's alive he's alive he's alive he's alive and he's not running. he's with her. he's finally with her.)

He's already hard beneath her, and she feels herself clench around nothing, longing for him. Longing to feel him inside her, to welcome him home. She reaches for his pants while he stands with her and lays her back on the empty table. She undoes his belt and then yanks it from the loops on his pants, dropping it to the ground. The metal buckle thumps as it hits the hardwood floor, and she jumps at the noise before laughing softly at the sudden sound. He joins her, and it makes her laugh harder.

She's happy. She's so happy, and he is, too. She almost can't believe it, but she does believe it because she feels it. She feels the warmth blooming in her core and spreading into every single one of her atoms, she senses the joy rolling off of Rick in waves.

She believes it because it's real. It's radiating out of their every pore, and it's so real.

She continues laughing, covering her mouth with her hand. But he tugs on that hand, and she lets him pull it down, placing it on his shoulder instead. Then, he takes his index finger and gently runs it along her bottom lip, in the shape of her smile.

"I've missed you," he whispers.

She smiles, as tears gather in the corner of her eyes. She doesn't know if they're happy or sad, but it doesn't matter. Because either way, she knows he'll be there to catch them when they fall.

She leans up again to kiss him, wraps her legs around his waist as he trails his fingers up and down her bare thighs. Each touch of his hands on her skin leaves fire in their wake, a pleasant burn that spreads across her skin and sets her aflame, burning away her old self and making way for rebirth. Like the spring outside, she's blooming, the buds and blossoms inside her watered and nurtured by the light in his eyes, by the feel of his body against hers. Flowers grow between her ribs.

His hands creep under her t-shirt, travel up her sides and hover over her chest before moving down again. He grabs the hem of her shirt and she sits up, helping to pull it over her head. It falls to the floor along beside his belt.

He stares at her, licking his lips. She leans back on her hands. Her bra is already out of place, her breasts practically spilling out of the garment. And he keeps staring. She feels herself getting wetter. She forgot how wonderful it felt to be ogled by the man that you love. She raises her eyebrows, challenging him.

What are you waiting for?

His eyes meet hers for a split second. And then he dives in, headfirst.

He buries his face in her cleavage, inhales her. And it gives her his answer.

I'm not waiting for anything. Not anymore.

He kisses and nips and the soft flesh of her breasts, and one of his hands reaches up her back, his fingers starting to fiddle with the clasp of her bra. She closes her eyes, lets out a soft moan, before opening her eyes again.

"Wait," she says.

He shakes his head, lets out some muffled hum of protest, and she laughs.

"Rick, wait," she repeats, grabbing his head and lifting it from her chest. His bottom lip juts out in adorable pout, and her smile is so wide that her cheeks hurt.

"We shouldn't do this here," she tells him softly.

"Why?" he asks, and she can hear the slight nervous lilt in his tone. Like he's afraid she's going to reject him suddenly.

She runs her hand over his hair in an attempt to soothe him. He's been keeping it short, like he did before he was taken. The fuzz feels good under her fingers.

She doesn't want to do it here. She wants to bring him back into their room, back into their bed. Take the place she poured so many tears and so much sorrow into and drain it. Fill it up with love again.

She wants to take those final steps to bring him back to her, wholly. And there are practical reasons, too.

"Because the front door is unlocked. And because the kitchen window is open. Someone could hear us."

"You plannin' on being loud?" he asks, a wicked and aroused glint appearing in his eyes.

He's half-teasing her, she knows. But the other half of him is excited at the prospect. His eyes dart around her face, one corner of his mouth ticking up.

"You planning on making me be loud?" she counters.

He bites down on his bottom lip, and then stands, taking her hand. She laces their fingers together as he bends down to pick up their shirt and belt.

"C'mon," he drawls, the southern twang more pronounced as it always is when his voice is rough with pleasure.

He leads her up the stairs and down the hall, but stops when he comes to their room. She can sense his hesitation, but she waits for him.

Finally, he reaches out, hand shaking. He turns the knob, and the door falls open. She can see the sun shining in through the sheer white curtains, filling the room with light.

He doesn't move to go in, so she steps around him, tugs on his hand and beckoning him forward.

"Come on," she urges. And it takes him a moment, but he follows her.

She lets him walk past her, and then closes the door behind them. She watches him as he stands at the foot of the bed, back towards her, gazing around the room like he's never been there before.

"You were always here."

He turns to her, tilting his head to the side.

"What do you mean?" he questions.

"You were always here," she tells him again. "It wasn't just the clothes. I always felt you in here. Like you had left part of yourself behind the last time you went away. And when I wanted to feel close to you, and it wasn't practical to go to the bridge, I would take the kids to Aaron's, and come up here and crawl into bed. I'd lay my head on your pillow. Sometimes I would cry, other times I would talk, but a lot of times I would just, lay there. And I would feel like you were there with me."

She walks towards him, and wraps her arms around him tightly, resting her head on his chest, above his thumping heart.

(he's alive he's alive he's alive he's alive)

"This is yours, Rick. This room, this bed. It's all yours. It always has been, and it always will be."

They're silent for a minute, but then she feels him nod above her.

"Okay," he whispers, before pulling back so he can look into her eyes.

"Okay," he repeats.

"Okay," she says back, nodding her head.

He leans down to kiss her.

They pick back up where they left off in the dining room, wrapping themselves around each other. He sits her down on the bed, takes off her bra, finally. He palms her breasts as he kneels down, places a long kiss on each nipple, and then moves his mouth down her stomach, stopping when he gets to the waistband of her cotton shorts. He tugs them down slowly, and then peels off her soaked underwear.

She's naked before him, for the first time in seven years. But there's no nervousness, no awkwardness, no hesitation. All she feels is anticipation. Eagerness for what she knows will come next.

He stares at her from his place on the floor, mouth hanging open, breaths labored. She wants every inch of him.

She reaches for him, begins to unbutton his shirt. He assists her. As he's shrugging it off his shoulders, she goes to start on his jeans, but she stops when she sees it.

He's gained a lot of weight since he came home, but she can still see his ribs. She can still count each one of them.

She stares. She can't help it. She stares, and it takes her back to when she found him, cowering in the corner of that cold, dark room, scared and abused and halfway to death.

The people who did that to him, they're dead now. They're dead, and they will never hurt him again. But it's not good enough. She wants to go back, to line them up and kill them all over again, one by one, watch them suffer, see their fear, their -

"Michonne," she hears, in some small part of her brain. His hands cradle her cheeks, and he tilts her face up. He's gazing down at her with the slightest frown on his face.

"Stay with me," he whispers.

Her eyes flit back to his ribs for a moment, but she takes a deep breath and looks back at him.

They're dead, she reminds herself. It doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that he's here, holding her. Loving her. He's alive.

They didn't win. He's alive. She leans into his hand, and feels the beat of his pulse against her skin.

(he's alive he's alive he's alive he's alive)

He's here, and he loves her.

Stay with me.

"Always," she promises.

He brings her face to his, presses his lips against hers softly. For a moment, they're quiet, pressed against each other and swaying back and forth slightly.

She begins to pull on him, forcing onto the bed with her. He laughs as she scoots back towards the headboard, and he pushes down his jeans and boxers, throwing them on the floor before turning over and crawling on top of her.

Once he's settled in, she reaches down and holds him. They both groan as she strokes him, him shifting above her as his hips buck. He drips into her hand as she continues to stroke, and she reaches down with her other hand to cup his balls.

"Fuck," he murmurs, his voice strained. She can tell she's torturing him, but she can't stop. She loves it - loves making him feel like this, loves the weight of him in her hand. He feels so good, and he's not even inside of her yet.

She speeds up her strokes, and he moans again, louder this time than the last. He reaches and grabs her hands, brings them up and holds them in his, lacing their fingers together.

"I want you," he says breathlessly. "I need you."

She lays back, her hair spreading out on the pillows, all around her head.

"Then take me," she tells him, reaching out again and guiding him to her entrance.

He does.

He enters her in one movement, and neither of them can help the loud groans they let out. They don't move right away as they treasure the feeling of being connected once again, finally.

But then, she grows impatient. She swivels her hips, communicating to him without words, and he begins to thrust.

It's almost like their first time, in a way. Things aren't perfectly smooth, and there are bumps and stutters along the way. Their bodies together aren't the well-oiled machine that they used to be. Neither of them are exactly how they used to be. They have to get used to this again. To find out who the other is, now.

She couldn't be more eager to learn.

They find a steady rhythm after a few minutes, and his thrusts get faster as she moves her hips in time with his. He pauses for a moment, readjusts them so he can reach her more freely, and then trails his hand down and begins to move his fingers against her.

She feels it, that tightening in the pit of her stomach, the beginning of the tide that will take her over. He begins to move his fingers more intently, syncs them with the movement of their hips, and the feeling grows. She's standing on the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean, and she's about to jump.

She lets go of everything. Everything that's been plaguing her for so long - for seven years - and lets it fade away. All of the worry, the pain, the exhaustion, the sorrow and loneliness. All of her doubts and insecurities and responsibilities and fear. She lets them go, until there's nothing left except her and this bed and him. Him, moving above and inside her, panting in her ear, setting her nerves ablaze.

She clings to him as he continues to thrust, crying out as he kindles the fire inside of her.

And she falls.

Her muscles spasm around him as she hits the water below the cliff. The waves overtake her, and her head goes under. She's drowning, but it's okay. He's here, and she never wants to breathe again.

She relaxes all at once with a contented moan, sated and happy. He continues to move above her, pressing his face into the crook of her neck, his moans still echoing throughout the room even though they're muffled by her skin. Her hands roam up and down his back, wander down to his ass and squeeze.

"Come on, baby," she murmurs in his ear.

She feels his muscles stiffen suddenly, and then the warm rush as he comes inside of her. She closes her eyes, relishing it. Relishing him.

He collapses on top of her, his face still buried in her neck. They both heave as they try to catch their breath. Their chests are pressed together, and she can feel his heart pounding.

(he's alive he's alive he's alive he's alive)

And she's home. Finally, she's home.

***

It's warm again today.

She'd opened all the windows and doors when she'd come downstairs, so the fresh air could drift in and freshen up the house. She can feel the pleasant breeze blowing against her skin now, as she folds towels in the living room.

It's quiet at home. The kids are out with Daryl and Dog. She isn't sure where Rick is right now, but she knows he's nearby.

She hears small footsteps dash up the front porch steps.

"Momma!"

She smiles. It's RJ.

She sets the laundry basket she had on her lap aside, and gets up to greet him at the door. Her bare feet pad against the hardwood floor and echo softly throughout the entryway.

"Mom-"

Her eyebrows furrow as she wonders what made him stop his second call for her. She approaches the screen door and is about to open it, when she spots her son, standing on the porch and staring cautiously at something in the corner. She frowns, but then she realizes.

Rick must be sitting on the porch.

She almost runs out to them reflexively, to insert herself into the situation and try and ease the awkwardness between them. Things with RJ and Rick still aren't quite where she'd hoped they'd be. Rick is trying, and she knows RJ is too.

They'll get there. They just need time.

She steps back a bit, decides to let them work it out on their own. She angles herself in the doorway so she won't be seen by either of them.

"Hey, RJ," Rick says carefully. She knows he's trying not to scare off their son.

It takes him a minute, but RJ finally responds.

"Hi br...Daddy."

She smiles softly. RJ forgets to call him Daddy a lot, having referred to him as the brave man for so long. But he's getting better.

"What are you up to? I thought you and your sister were with Uncle Daryl."

"We are, but I gotta pee."

She puts a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter.

"Hmm. Well, you better get in there."

"Yeah," RJ answers. He looks for a moment longer, then turns towards the house. He takes a step towards the door, but stops again.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah, son?"

"Judy said...Judy said you used to sing to her when she was a little baby."

"I did," Rick answers.

"A song about dreams," RJ continues.

"Yeah. It's called Dream a Little Dream of Me."

"Yeah. That one."

A silence falls over them. She's about to go outside, when RJ speaks again.

"Will you sing it for me?"

"Yeah," Rick says, and she can hear a sort of strong emotion in his voice. "I'd love to. Come over here."

RJ walks over without hesitating, and her heart leaps. She hears the rocking chair Rick must be sitting in shift.

"Now, I'm not that good of a singer…"

"Momma and Judy say your voice is good."

"They're just being nice. You'll have to tell me what you think, okay?"

"Okay."

There's silence for a moment. Then, Rick starts.

Stars shining bright above you Night breezes seem to whisper, "I love you" Birds singing in the sycamore tree Dream a little dream of me

Rick starts to move on to the next verse, but RJ interrupts.

"You have a good voice!"

"Aw, thanks, buddy."

"Keep going, please," RJ insists. Rick laughs.

"Whatever you say."

Stars fading, but I linger on, dear Still craving your kiss I'm longing to linger 'til dawn, dear Just saying this

She can't see them from the angle she's at, but she still doesn't want to make herself seen. She quietly rushes to the living room, so she can look out the window.

Rick is sitting in the rocking chair, and RJ is sitting on his lap, facing his father. She can't see Rick's face, but she can see RJ. The boy's eyes are wide and bright as he watches Rick, a grin on his face.

She feels tears gather in her eyes, as she watches the two boys she loves most in the entire world.

Sweet dreams 'til sunbeams find you Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you But in your dreams, whatever they be Dream a little dream of me

She smiles.

But in your dreams, whatever they be Dream a little dream

"RJ! What's taking you so long?"

Judith runs up the path to their house, Dog and Daryl trailing behind her. RJ wiggles off of Rick's lap as his sister jogs up the stairs.

"Daddy sang to me. The dreams song! Just like you said."

"I thought you had to pee," Judith questions.

"Oh yeah!" RJ exclaims, like he'd just remembered his reason for coming home in the first place. "Momma!"

He runs towards the door, and she wipes at her eyes and walks to the door, arriving just as RJ flings it open.

"Momma, I have to pee!"

"Then go to the bathroom, silly!" she tells her son, placing her hand on his back and gently pushing him in the direction of the bathroom as he scurries past her. She waits until she hears the door slam shut, and then she ventures outside.

Judith is at the rocking chair talking to Rick, in voices too low for her to hear them. Instead, she waves at Daryl, who's still in the yard, throwing a tennis ball around for Dog.

"Hi, Mom," she hears suddenly, and looks down to see Judith walking past her and into the house.

"Hey, Judy."

Daryl walks up the steps to the porch. He throws the tennis ball once more, and then turns towards Rick and Michonne.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Nothing," she answers. " Just hanging around. Did some laundry."

"That's not what I mean. You're all smiley."

"Smiley?" she questions.

"Yeah. Judith was telling me how y'all had this nice breakfast this morning, and the two of you were all happy. And I can tell now. You look...lighter or some shit."

"What are you talking about?" she asks, trying to play dumb. But there's a slight thrill that runs through her, at the fact that the past twenty-four hours have changed her so much that other people can tell.

Daryl doesn't answer her. Instead, he looks between her and Rick. Rick, who's sitting outside, whistling some made-up song.

Daryl grins. And she feels like it's the first time her and Rick slept together all over again, when their whole family barged in on them when they were half-dressed.

"Nevermind," Daryl mutters, and moves towards the house. Before he opens the door, he turns towards Rick.

"Hey, me and Aaron are going out tomorrow, s'long as it don't rain. You coming?"

"Uh...sure. Yeah."

It's not the first time Daryl's asked him to go on a run since he's been back, but it's the first time Rick's agreed. He always had excuses - something about being too weak, or fearing he'd be a liability instead of an asset.

She smiles at his answer. Daryl grins again, too, and then starts into the house. He calls out, just loud enough for them to hear it.

"Yeah, y'all are smiley for sure."

She looks at Rick, and he looks back at her. They burst into laughter.

She walks over to him, leans against the porch railing as she stands in front of the rocking chair.

"Why do I feel like a kid who just got caught having sex at summer camp?"

He laughs again, and then pats his lap, signaling for her to sit down.

"I'm not as little as RJ," she warns.

"I'll manage."

She smiles, and then sits down, leaning back into him. He wraps his arms around her, resting his hands on her stomach. She places her hands over his, and closes her eyes.

"So, you were spying on us?"

"I was," she admits freely. "I love seeing the two of you together. I couldn't help it. Plus, I'll never pass up a chance to hear you sing."

He presses a kiss to her bare shoulder, next to the strap of her tank top.

"What did our little bird want?" she wonders.

"Apparently, she doesn't want to pass up a chance to hear me sing, either. She asked if I would sing that song for her tonight before bed."

It's been years since she's sang Judith to sleep. She smiles gently.

"She's missed you, too. More than you know."

"Yeah," he whispers. "I kind of...got that. When she was talking to me."

She nods. They're quiet for a few moments, listening to the sound of the soft breeze blowing around them.

"Michonne?"

She shifts, turning so she can see his face. He stares at her, bringing his hand up to trail along her cheekbone.

"I love you," he breathes.

It's the first time she's heard him say that in seven years.

"I love you, too," she tells him, and places a kiss on his forehead before wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her cheek on top of his head.

She knows things won't be perfect from here on out. Sex isn't a magic spell that will fix everything, as much as she wishes it was. There will be obstacles in their continued journey back together. He'll still have bad days. She will, too. There will still be nightmares, still be pain. And they'll never be the same as they were.

Instead, they'll be something new. Something that's suffered, but come out on the other side. And they'll be stronger for it. She knows they will.

They love each other. And their love is strong enough to weather any storm, to survive any fire. It's gotten them this far in the new world, and it will continue to sustain them. That's all that matters.

They love each other.

She closes her eyes, tightens her arms around him.

"I'm so glad you came home to me," she whispers.

"Always," he answers gently.

She hears the kids running around inside through the open window. Daryl shouts after them, something she can't make out, but Rick laughs. The sun shines on her skin. She hears the sound of the town thriving and bustling around them. The sound of her home. Their home.

And she smiles.

***

A/N: This is the first time I've ever written smut, so I hope it turned out okay and wasn't too clunky.

Alas, my dears, this is the last real chapter of this story. I have a short epilogue planned, but other than that, this is where I will leave this version of Rick and Michonne - at the start of a new beginning, finally on the same page and together with their family like they're always meant to be.

ALSO - the absolutely lovely @mdgart has agreed to create some of her wonderful art in honor of this chapter! It’ll most likely be posted somewhere on tumblr - I’ll be sure to reblog it here - but also keep your eyes open and on our twitters (mine is @hawthornegrimes and hers is @ms_doomandgloom) for that some time in the near future. I'm so excited for you all to see her beautiful work!

Thanks for reading! I hope this chapter was worth the wait. (Props to anyone who can come up with the other fictional couple I referenced in this chapter.)

xoxo, rebekah

[winecupwars]

progress report: spotify wrapped edition

mitski: and did you know the liberty bell is a replica / silently housed in its original walls? / and while its dreams played music in the night / quietly / it was told to believe

me, sobbing: yes girl go off!!!

listened: yes, i am still listening to mitski, particularly her bury me at makeout creek album. i think that if i discovered her sooner, say 2016, i would have listened to this album nonstop at 3am when i couldn’t sleep and wanted nothing more than to die, crying at last words of a shooting star or maybe even first love / late spring, feeling red and raw and bleeding like a fresh wound. im ok now though - the wound has largely healed and is scarring over - so i just listen to it while doing the dishes and only tear up a little.

my spotify wrapped was hilarious though - i mainlined carly rae jepsen, mitski, and hadestown this year, apparently. with a little mcr, harry styles, the decemberists, and hozier in the mix. but mostly 11,588 minutes of mainly four albums: dedicated sides a and b, be the cowboy, and hadestown. 

watched: cleaners (2019) !!!! it’s this local anthology film about a high school class from tuguegarao in the early 2000s and it’s funny and nostalgic and sweet, just a nice feel good film :) how it was made was interesting, too: they printed out each frame of the movie, photocopied it, highlighted the main characters, and put it back together. normally films with gimmicks tend to fall flat but this one holds up. it’s really good and im happy i got to watch it!

read: i started reading maurice by e.m. forster. - havent gone that far into it yet; the writing is proving to be a challenge to read without falling asleep. or maybe i should stop reading right before bedtime? maybe. 

played: played a little bit of baldur’s gate 3! i died in the tutorial lmao. i don’t think i’ll be picking it up, because just thinking of the mind flayer parasite thing is freaking me out big time

made: i wrote quite a bit last week, which im happy about :) also i’ve been thinking of making bags and selling them? i thought this up during a manic episode where i didnt sleep for around 32 hours lmao i’m still mulling it over but im a little excited about it, not gonna lie! 

[snek-snuggles]

A band au where nice demons are in a grudge/rock band with FemCrowley as the lead singer and the FemZira who recently broke off from their band and is going solo with a Hozier like vibe songs. The recording company is late so the demons have to wait and watch Zira until she gets done and Crowley falls in love with her voice. Zira is curious about their band and stays behind to listen.

This is a really great idea but my brain rearranged it a bit and well...here, havve some Crowley and Aziraphale in separate bands who hate each other. 

Aziraphale sits at the mic, listening to the playback of her most recent take. The rest of the band is on break, standing around and gossiping quietly while she continues to try to get the second verse right like she wants it. 

The album deadline was quickly approaching, and they were nowhere near ready. The label had already extended the deadline once, she couldn’t stand the thought of asking again. And nothing was right- they still had three more songs they had yet to even attempt a rough cut for, one of them wasn’t even technically fully written. Half the album still needed to be mastered, and no one could seem to focus long enough to sit down and give a serious take on the song they were trying to record now. 

The band’s first album had been an absolute smash success. After that, the res tof the group had really stopped trying. They seemed to be under the impression that they were too talented to have to try anymore; and thus, what they did have done was, in actuality, utter garbage. And Aziraphale was well aware- her lyrics could only carry them so far. She tried to put that to the back of her mind for now. If they didn’t finish the album, there would be no contract renewal. And without that, she would have to go back to what she was doing before, using any means just to get a few square meals a day. 

Suddenly, there was a high-pitched commotion in the hallway. Akin to cats, or nails on a chalkboard. Screaming and shouting erupted into the studio, as a few members of The Sisterhood came barging in. The tall one, the redhead who sang lead, tried to calm everyone down, pulling her drummer off of Gabby, the keyboardist to Aziraphale’s band Beneficence. 

The redhead leaned into the speaker and pressed the button, interrupting the playback and speaking into Aziraphale’s headphones in a genuine-sounding apologetic tone, “Sorry love, your time’s up. We’ve got the studio booked from four on today.” Her Liverpool accent thicker than ever. 

That can’t be, Aziraphale thinks. Bernie promised them the studio all day. She put down her acoustic guitar and stood, intent on figuring this out. But as she stood, the two bands continued to fight and brawl viciously back out into the hall. Aziraphale tried to reply, but she couldn’t be heard over the screaming. The redhead seemed to have had enough, slamming the door shut and blocking them all out.

“Sorry, what?”

“I said Bernie promised me the whole day. Can you check the schedule for me?”

“Course, love.”

The tall one picks up the phone, dialing down to the front desk and asking for the schedule. The fighting continues outside as Aziraphale tries to breathe deeply. If they lose the space today, they stand no chance of finishing on time. 

“Right...right. Yeah, right. Cool. Thanks Karen.”

She hangs up the receiver, turning in the chair to face Aziraphale.

“Sorry, then. Our bad- it’s all yours. We’re across the hall.”

“Oh, oh good. Oh, thank you.” Aziraphale sits down, closing her eyes and breathing in relief. She looks towards the hallway, and back at the clock. Four already, and almost no progress today. She bites at her lip, desperately trying to hold back the tears that have been heavy behind her eyes all day. 

The other woman sees, though. She rolls closer to the sofa where Aziraphale sits, head in hands, and puts a gentle hand to her knee. 

“Alright, sweetheart?”

Aziraphale snaps, “I’m not your sweetheart!” And then immediately bursts into sobbing hysterics. The redhead moves to the sofa, the two of them folding together into an embrace as Aziraphale cries. The redhead soothes at her back and holds her gently, stroking her hair. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry,, that was rude. I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I appreciate your kindness, I do.”

“Somethings’s not right then, yeah? You wanna tell me about it?”

“Oh, it’s just...we’re nowhere near done and we’re almost out of time. Everyone expects an even better album then the last one, and no one wants to put in the effort. It all falls on me, since they’re my songs, and if I lose our contract I’ll have to go back to...”

“Back to...?”

“Well...it was very unpleasant. Let’s just leave it there. I can’t, I can’t go back, we have to do better, and no one...seems to care, they’re all too busy-” She gestures towards the door. The sound of a smashing bottle startles her, cringing against the redhead’s shoulder. 

“It’s awful of me, but sometimes I wish I could just...just...”

“Make your own shit?”

Aziraphale sighs, wiping her nose. The redhead dabs at her eyes, trying not to smudge her mascara. 

“Yes.”

“yeah, me too. I love them, but none of them are serious about it. I put so much into the music, but no one writes anything worth half a listen to sing with it. I’m Crowley, by the way.”

“Aziraphale.”

Crowley takes a long look at her. Bright, blue eyees, long blonde hair. Dressed in pastels and flowing layers. She’s heard their stuff, it’s not half bad (although her band mates sure love to trash their music). Aziraphale sings like an angel and her lyrics are straight poetry. And here she is, breaking down in Crowley’s arms, on a gross old sofa in a rented studio on Sunset. 

Crowley gets up- Aziraphale assumes she’s leaving. But she locks the door instead. 

“I’m in the same boat, ya know. But fuck them- do you wanna write something? With me, jsut for fun?”

Aziraphale looks at her with confusion. Crowley is dressed in black jeans and a black t-shirt, with scary looking metal chains on her jewelry and these big black leather boots. Her hair is pushed back messily, and she looks like she hasn’t slept in days. Why would she want to write with me? Aziraphalle wonders.

But she hasn’t written seriously with anyone who actually wanted to be there in months, and right now she can’t stand the thought of trying another take at that other song.

“Yes, alright.”

They sit on the floor of the studio, talking and writing for several hours. Crowley pulls out a bottle of wine, hidden behind a false panel in the wall. “Put that there last year, thought it might come in handy someday.” They pass it back and forth, swigging from the bottle (Aziraphale tries to be prim about it, but as she relaxes, she takes bigger, less delicate pulls from the bottle neck. 

Eventually, they notice the screaming has stopped. They call out for Chinese late tha tnight, and finish the song back at Crowley’s place as the sun rises. 

In the morning, they both go back to their bands. But after their contracts both end a few months later, the two sign to a new label as a duo, and release their first single. 

They become synonymous with sapphic love songs infused with a bbit of edge, and catch the attention of Hoxier’s management, who book them to open for the UK and european legs of his next tour. 

(yeah...I might have to add this to my writing list.)

[possible-eldritch-entity]

Quarantine Q&A

Thanks so much for the tag @solverne-02​!

Are you staying home from work or school?

Until recently I was staying home from both work and school. But winter quarter ended last week so now I’m officially on spring break? Can I still call it spring break? From the looks of things I won’t be attending physical college classes online; I’ve gotten a few emails from staff saying that classes will be online for a while. And I’ve been working from home since the beginning of March. So that’s given me something to do at least while I’m at home! It’s not a bad time though, my coworkers and I check in on each other frequently and the design team I’m on does weekly art challenges that we all do together and share our results! 

If you’re staying home, who’s with you?

My dad and my cat Zeno mostly. My mom has been getting me to come out to where she lives in the woods lately though so I guess also my mom, my step dad, my two younger brothers, my youngest sister, four other dogs and another cat. She only lives half an hour away so I think it’s not too much of a big deal? She lives in the middle of nowhere and its pretty isolated, plus I just like being out in the woods. 

Are you a homebody?

Oh gods yes. I love that I have no obligations to drive or go anywhere. Traffic getting to my office was always horrendous unless I decided to wake up before the gods themselves and drive down, and I’ve had car troubles since the beginning of 2020 (which I think are finally over), so yeah, I’m perfectly happy staying home as long as I have plenty of food and tea. I do go for occasional walks down to the river sometimes tho, or sit on the front porch and meditate for a couple minutes. Gotta get that fresh air somehow, you know?

An event that you were looking forward to that got cancelled.

ECCC was supposed to be a few weeks ago, and I was really, really looking forward to meeting my favorite artists that I follow! I still got to buy art from them thanks to Artist Alley still being open online, and I know it was better to postpone the event, but still, I had a cosplay planned and everything! At least now I have some extra time to work on it. 

What movies have you watched recently? What shows are you watching?

I remember I watched Tarzan for the first time since I was six a couple weeks ago. And Pride and Prejudice 2005. I’ve also been watching Avatar the Last Airbender, The Legend of Korra, I caught up with Castlevania, rewatched The Witcher, and it turns out my step dad got the family a Disney+ account so now I’ll probably be watching Atlantis and Treasure Planet till I die. 

What music are you listening to?

For the last few days I’ve been listening to Lord Huron’s album Vide Noir, which is SO FUCKING GOOD. I’ve had When the Night is Over on loop for so long I even made a painting inspired by it! (You can find it here) But other than Lord Huron, I’ve been listening to Hozier, Soundgarden, and the character playlists I’ve made for my book and comic that has random artists on them to get me into my creative flow. 

What are you doing for self care?

I’ve been having myself get dressed every day even though I’m not going anywhere. I’ve found that it helps me actually sit down and focus on my work and be more present instead of just lounging in my Spider-Man onsie all day. I have been going on more walks than normal and regularly meditating, which has done a lot to improve my general mental health. Also, I’ve been working out more! I’m gonna come out of this quarantine/self-isolation absolutely ripped. 

Another thing I’ve been doing is making sure that I’m connecting with others online. As much as I love being by myself, I do have tendencies to self-isolate emotionally and just not talk to anyone, especially when I’m stressed and depressed (which is just every day now but hahaha aren’t we all?). 

Anyway I feel like I’m turning into Alucard from season three of Castlevania 

I’m loosing my goddamn mind. Just let me run free in the woods. Pls. All the hiking trails are being closed because too many people are hiking to be outside and still maintain social distancing.  I’m tagging @burningsoulanchor​, @cherryflvrd​, @inquisidad​, @crispymango009​, @laurakinneylovemachine​, @mottsapplesauceofficial​, @lavenderfestival​, @firefliescat​, the rest of my mutuals, and anyone else who wants to join in! 

[playthatthing]

favourite albums of 2019

These are the new records I spent the most time listening to and that defined last year.

Lana Del Rey - Norman Fucking Rockwell! 

fka twigs - MAGDALENE 

Angel Olsen - All Mirrors

Sharon Van Etten - Remind Me Tomorrow  

these four are all my albums of the year, thanks to these amazing women for making such stunning art

Andrew Bird - My Finest Work Yet (album cover of the year. i had a really intense experience listening to “Bloodless” one night when we were sleeping in a cabin in Yellowstone.)

Deerhunter - Why Hasn’t Everything Already Disappeared?

DIIV - Deceiver (great song for lining billionaires up against a wall)

Solange - When I Get Home (i read all the annotations on Genius. i still don’t understand anything about Houston Texas but this is good)

Weyes Blood - Titanic Rising (the 70s are over and we’re living in a nightmare)

Tegan and Sara - Hey, I’m Just Like You (they always make me happy)

Bat For Lashes - Lost Girls  (Natasha + 80s synthpop is a match made in heaven ahh)

The Twilight Sad - IT WON/T BE LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME (robert smith gave this like a 9/10 i mean literally he sent them ratings out of 10 for every song)

Jessica Pratt - Quiet Signs

Mayberian Sanskülotts - Neverending Sorry (Hungarian excellence)

Desperate Journalist - In Search of the Miraculous (look, there are shittons of gothy bands about these days but i really like them, Jo Bevan’s voice is wonderful and their sound is also more organic and less formulaic than, say, The Soft Moon or Drab Majesty et al)

The Divine Comedy - Office Politics (Neil Hannon continues to be a cheeky genius, and this time he’s nursing an 80s synthpop infatuation like nobody else, to the point where there is literally a track where a robot questions him about his listening habits and he starts listing every important band from the era. Also, special shoutout to “The Synthesiser Service Centre Super Summer Sale” and mother. fucking. “Philip And Steve’s Furniture Removal Company”)

Kælan Mikla - Nótt eftir nótt (they are living the goth dream)

LCD Soundsystem - Electric Lady Sessions (got to appreciate a good live album)

Aldous Harding - Designer (thanks for being the right sort of weird while joanna newsom is away)

MARINA - Love + Fear (i even like the Clean Bandit collab here and I hate Clean Bandit, thanks for making good pop Marina)

King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard - Fishing For Fishies

Big Thief - U.F.O.F. / Two Hands (i’m a late convert to Big Thief and solo Andrianne Lenker but this is a great time)

Vampire Weekend - Father of the Bride (i was sceptical about this Rostam-less existence but shit it’s great)

The National - I Am Easy To Find (The National will always be the “oh no i hate being so sad” kind of sad to me but what can i do)

Foals - Part 1 Everything Not Saved Will Be Lost (this song in particular)

TOY - Happy In the Hollow 

Meteo - Hayline (more Hungarian excellence)

Ride - This Is Not A Safe Place

The Highwomen - The Highwomen (a giant FUCK YOU to sexist mainstream country music culture and a great album)

M83 - DSVII (i was unexpectedly enchanted by this video game soundtracky goodness)

various - De jó elhagyni magamat

Leonard Cohen - Thanks For the Dance

all the songs linked here in one playlist

under the cut further albums i liked, and albums i just haven’t listened to enough to form impressions, aka my to-do list

also good:

Calexico, Iron & Wine - Years to Burn

Rose Elinor Dougall - A New Illusion

Hozier - Wasteland, Baby!

Steve Gunn - The Unseen In Between

Crocodiles - Loves Is Here

Priests - The Seduction of Kansas

Ex Hex - It’s Real

Cherry Glazerr - Stuffed & Ready

Hand Habits - placeholder

Whitney - Forever Turned Around

Wilco - Ode to Joy

Sleater-Kinney - The Center Won’t Hold

Belle & Sebastian - Days of the Bagnold Summer

Vivian Girls - Memory

Michael Kiwanuka - KIWANUKA

Vagabon - Vagabon

Courtney Barnett - MTV Unplugged

Vanishing Twin - The Age of Immunology

Drab Majesty - Modern Mirror

albums i just haven’t listened to at all yet, or not enough:

Rhye - Spirit

Holly Herndon - PROTO

Jenny Hval - The Practice of Love

Cate le Bon - Reward

Sleaford Mods - Eton Alive

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Ghosteen

TOY - Songs of Consumption

Alcest - Spiritual Instinct

Shamir - Be the Yee, Here Comes the Haw

Foals - Part 2 Everything Not Saved Will Be Lost

Mikal Cronin - Seeker

Bon Iver - i,i

Yeasayer - Erotic Reruns

James Blake - Assume Form

HEALTH - VOL.4:: SLAVES OF FEAR

Thom Yorke - Anima

Beirut - Gallipoli

Foxygen - Seeing Other People

Fat White Family - Serfs Up!

Jens Lekman, Annika Norlin - Correspondence

Blood Orange - Angel’s Pulse

the other King Gizzard record but like... theres probably five of them and i can’t keep up

[asortafairytale]

End of the year survey, of course

Song of the year? According to last.fm, it's Endless War by Within Temptation which seems pretty accurate.  I regret that I skipped out on WT's concert.  It was supposed to snow and I felt terrible mental health-wise, but I should have just went because I've been trying to do things even if feel terrible, because staying at home is not going to help and I refuse to be beaten down.  But I don't always succeed. I'M FIGHTING AN ENDLESS WAR.

Album of the year? Lover by Taylor Swift. Ever since 1989 was released I go through this thing where I can't listen anything but her new album.  It got super bad this year, though, and I haven't really listened to anything but TS since it was released.  I thought it was my new favorite album of hers but after sitting in this spiral for long enough, I think Reputation is my favorite followed by Lover.  But Lover gave me Death by a Thousand Cuts which NO OTHER ALBUMS DID so. Thanks, Lover.

Favorite musical artist / group you started listening to this year? I don't think I started listening to anyone new this year.  The closest I can get is a band called Thy Art is Murder, which is apparently deathcore, which is a genre I've never listened to before, so that's nice, but I haven't listened to them much at all.

Movie of the year? Eh, I looked at the list of movies I watched this year and nothing stood out.  The closest I can get to answering this question is recommending the movie Crush the Skull as a much better alternative to Don't Breathe, if you're into horror/home invasion kind of movies

TV show of the year? I haven't really watched much television this year. I just haven't been in the mood.  I did rewatch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and a lot of that was when I was on vacation in London. I'd get back to my room and have my dinner and watch Sunny. Exciting times across the sea.  But I guess overall, I'd say Good Girls.  It was one of the few drama shows I watched this year and it was amazing.  This was also the year I discovered Buzzfeed Unsolved, but that's not really a TV show. But it deserves a mention.

Episode of tv or webisode that defined the year for you? Can't say there is one.

Favorite actor of the year? Tom Hiddleston. Does anyone doubt the answer to this one. I saw him on stage four times, because I'm an excessive bitch.  I met him at Comic Con and he winked at me and no, I won't stop talking about that ever.  And if I ever dare forget him, I have his autograph on my phone case so I'm reminded of his existence at all times whether I like it or not (I like it).

Game of the year? None. I don't game. Nor do I play board games. Nor do I play games on my phone. I am very much not a game person. OH WAIT. I lied. I picked up Pokemon Go again because my friend is super into it and kept taking me to places to do gym battles and stuff.

Best month for you this year? June. May-Juneish.  That's the time I went to London, my mom was doing relatively well, and I just like that time of year.  The weather is usually perfect.

Something that made you cry this year? Taylor Swift's song "Soon You'll Get Better".  It punched me so hard it broke several ribs. I've never identified with a song before but I did that one and I'd really love to sue Taylor for emotional damage.

Something you want to do again next year? Go to the haunted farm thing I went to this year around Halloween. I love that place. I went two years ago and this year, and it's like a mile long thing set up on a farm that you walk through and it's just so well done. Both times I've enjoyed the hell out of myself and enjoyed the company I was with.

I'd also really love to see Kamelot again, if they decide they want to keep touring, though I'm sure they're going to chill.  Them or Avatar, same deal.  I've seen Kamelot three times and Avatar twice but is it enough? No.

Talk about a new friend you made this year I have not made any new friends. Do you know how hard it is to make friends.  I did, however, meet @phantomdivine​ in person, so that was a friendship escalation.

How was your birthday this year? It's in February and Februarys are usually a blur of me having mental breakdowns.  I have a distinct memory last year of driving home from my friend's house in the middle of night on the anniversary of my father's death, crying like a little bitch and being like "why am I crying" while I was smoking (I don't smoke except for when I smoke) and getting gutpunched every time the line "the good die young" came up on the Within Temptation song I was listening to.  That was right around my birthday so that's probably how it was.

Favorite book you read this year? Maybe What Was She Thinking? (Notes on a Scandal) by Zoë Heller.  I read 20 books this year and I usually read zero! Go me!  I also read Gone Girl finally, because I've read Gillian Flynn's other books, and I always enjoy her and her writing.  The quality of writing is important to me, so I will read any plot if the writing intrigues me.

What’s a bad habit you picked up this year? How dare you suggest I have a bad habit

Post a picture from the beginning of the year

A feral kitty that lives in a broken down building near the antique shop I consign with

Post a picture from the end of the year

It Hozier

A memorable meal this year? I'm a big food person but I've been on a diet for a good part of the year.  Which has kind of left me...a disinterested in food person.

What’re you excited about for next year? Uhhh. I have nothing planned, so I don't know.  Hopefully getting on Social Security Disability, because the whole process is stressing me out and my lawyer said it can take a year and I just really do not have time for this.

What’s something you learned this year? It's not something I -learned-, but something I accomplished. I started running, something I've tried to do in starts and stops over the years.  I used to be unable to run 30 seconds without getting out of breath and getting stomach cramps and feeling like I was going to die.  Now I can run a 5k.  I usually don't run this far, though, because I still have trouble breathing and I need to work on that, so I usually run about 30 minutes when I go out.  I've been thwarted lately but it getting dark so early so I haven't been able to go out as much as I did (unless I want to get murdered, I guess).

What’s something new about your place of residence (room, home, or general location) now vs the start of the year? I hung up my signed Only Lovers  Left Alive poster :')

Favorite place you visited this year? London, baby.  I'm so happy I loved it so much. I was looking at pictures the other day and got a little teary eyed, which is the normal person equivalent of actually crying.  I don't know if it's London itself or what it represented to me (probably both), but I love it and want to go back and have vague, tentative plans to stay there for two or three months in the future if I can.

If you could send a message to yourself back on the first day of the year, what would it be? You're gonna meet Tom Hiddleston, bitch, and he's gonna WINK at you.  

Did you keep any New Year’s Resolutions? I do not. I reinvent my life whenever I feel like it.

Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one You don't want the answer to this one because I will go off for an hour and no1curr, as they used to say.

[shes-soparticular]

I adore you for all of the music references in your fics. Do you have a playlist?

I adore you for noticing and asking this question! Like mostwriters, I rely on music BIG TIME for inspiration. I don’t have any playlistscreated, but here’s a little masterlist of songs I’ve referred to in my writingthat usually play some kind of role. Warning, it ended up way longer than Irealized lol

Darling, So it Goes“Can’t Help Falling in Love” by Elvis Presley – Okay, don’t we ALL fantasizeabout Shawn singing this song to us acapella? That old clip of him singing it?Kill me. The title of this one-shot comes from that song as well, of course.

Take Me Back to theStart“The Scientist” by Coldplay – I think this would be Shawn’s go-to breakup song,the one he’d play on repeat to try to process his feelings. Which is exactly whatI had him do when he and Alex hit the rocks. Naturally, that’s where the titlecomes from as well.

Every Little Part ofMe is Holding on to Every Little Piece of You

“End of the Road” by Boyz II Men – Just as The Scientist isShawn’s go-to heartache song, Alex’s is End of the Road. Her mantra is “if thelove don’t feel like 90s R&B, I don’t want it”. Also, I have to admit I kindof stole this from my OG crush Seth Cohen, as that was his “play on repeat”breakup song.

“Water Runs Dry” by Boyz II Men – Alex’s backup song to cryto, which is playing when Shawn shows up.

“I’ll Make Love to You” by Boyz II Men – Sensing a theme? Luckily,Boyz II Men is there for you both in times of sadness and times of makeup sex. Andas Shawn knows, Alex cannot resist a slow jam.

“Tough” by Lewis Capaldi – I took the title from the lyricsof this song. Lewis Capaldi is one of my favorite artists to listen to forangst/fluff inspiration.

Wouldn’t Fall forSomeone I Thought Couldn’t Misbehave

“Nobody” by Hozier – This one-shot is all about Shawn’sjealousy over her fangirling for Hozier. So it was a no-brainer to choose aHozier lyric as the title, which comes from this song.

“Movement” by Hozier – I don’t call this song out by name,but it’s the one I imagine her teasing him to in the car. It’s just a hell of asultry song and would have definitely driven Shawn even further up the wall.

Put in Work

“All Mine” by Kanye West – As we ALL know by this point, Kanyeis Shawn’s go-to gym music. When it comes to a one-shot that’s literallyuncalled for fantasy gym smut, what song would have been more fitting? Yeah, you supermodel thick, damn, that assbustin’ out the bottom, I'ma lose my mind in it. Definitely the wordspounding through Shawn’s airpods while watching Alex on the stair climber.

Bonus: “Skin” by Rihanna – Alex is a freak too, let’s bereal. Although I didn’t mention it in the fic, her gym play list is 100% heavyon Rihanna. This is the song that ends up on repeat anytime she watches Shawnlifting.

Might Just Be MyEverything and Beyond

“What’s Your Fantasy” by Ludacris ft Shawna – If you’re alate 90s baby and don’t know this song? You won’t understand how ridiculous itis that it’s Alex’s go-to karaoke song.

“Beyond” by Leon Bridges – For one, this is an altogetherbeautiful song. I listened to the acoustic version non-stop while writing thisone-shot and thus it’s where the title comes from. Just the kind of fluffyboyfriend vibes I imagined Shawn feeling waiting for his girl to come home.

“Lost in Japan – Remix” – Okay, ya’ll know this one. But I’mmentioning it anyways since it pops up in the insta story of Alex jamming outto it pool side, a proud girlfriend hyped for her man.

Slow Burn

“There’s No Way” by Lauv ft Julia Michaels – This songinspired the entire fic, tbh. It’s the definition of a Slow Burn song.

“American Girl” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers – Only mentionedin passing, but Shawn and co realize at some point early in the European legthat if you play this song? Alex loses her fucking shit. Even if she’s having abad time, cranky, pissy, argumentative, what have you – this song gets her to shoutalong and dance like the happiest little bean on earth. So it becomes a runninggag for them to play it whenever possible, just to watch the only American chickin the bar go nuts.

“Free Fallin’” by Top Petty and the Heartbreakers (but alsohave the live John Mayer cover in mind) – As slightly established in the firstchapter, Alex is a huge Petty fan. In chapter six, this is the song Shawn isattempting to teach her on the guitar. The one she’s too impatient to learn andmakes him just play for her instead.

“Feels Great” – Cheat Codes ft Fetty Wap & CVBZ – I couldn’tthink of a better song for the “young crew” to be listening to during a heated pre-showping pong game in the green room. It’s just a fun fucking song about beingyoung. That’s all.

“Outta My Head” by Khalid ft John Mayer – This is the songAlex is mumbling in the elevator before everything…intensifies. No deep reason here, I just bet they’ve all beenlistening to Khalid’s new album a ton and that song is a bop. Oh, and I GUESSthe lyrics are kind of fitting…. Can youfeel the tension? You’ve got my attention, I know we’re just friends but I’drather be together.

“Power Over Me” by Dermot Kennedy – These are the lyrics Iuse in the opening of the second chapter and a song that definitely inspired my interms of Shawn’s feelings for Alex. Especially early on, when everything isstill completely unspoken. Honestly, Dermot’s music has inspired me A LOT whilewriting this fic, so check him out if you’re not familiar.

“Uh Huh” by Julia Michaels – First off, Julia is a QUEEN. Hervibe is something I picture for Alex so I listen to Julia a lot particularlywhen writing more deeply from Alex’s point of view. Hence using it as theopening lyrics for chapter three. This is definitely a song that demonstrateshow Alex’s mind and body are at odds over her feelings for Shawn.

“Lost” by Dermot Kennedy – Again, on a constant Dermot kick.His lyrics are so poetic and it’s impossible not to take inspiration from him.I used his lyrics to open chapter four and I think they perfectly describe theatmosphere of that night in Krakow. I particularly love the lyric “since thatnight the moon has never looked the same” which I think perfectly puts the wayShawn and Alex both feel after that turning point of a night, dancing oncobblestone streets in the moonlight. Yep. Lost in feels again.

“Can I Be Him” by James Arthur – The perfect song about aguy falling for a girl that’s already attached. Because using TYB would havebeen to on the nose, haha.

“Peer Pressure” by James Bay ft Julia Michaels – If you’veread chapter six, it’s pretty obvious why I used these lyrics to start itoff. Generally, it’s another song I’ve listened to a lot while writing Slow Burn.It seems fitting for two people that are used to being in control of themselvesand their emotions but losing that control and giving into one another.

Look How They ShineFor You (Slow Burn Bonus)

“Yellow” by Coldplay – This song is a HUGE part of this littleblurb and I highly recommend listening to it while you read that one. It’sbeautiful as a piano cover and if you’ve ever heard the Vitamin String Quartetversion??? Jesus. Let’s just say that’s going to be the song Alex walks downthe aisle to someday. Now I’m all in my feels.

BONUS: Current Songson Repeat While I Write

Pretty much all of Lizzo’s “Cuz I Love You” album. It puts me in a kickass mood. That’s all.

“Falling like the Stars” by James Arthur – It’s just a sweetsong that makes me want to write Shawn and Alex all loved up.

“Wilderness” by Jon Bryant – See above. A song that makes mea soft little puddle of inspo.

“Can I be Honest?” by Anatu ft Zubi – I don’t know how Istumbled across this song but it’s fucking fantastic and you should listen toit.

“Night Moves” by Bob Seger – Alex is a classic rock junkie,if she could time travel she’d head straight back to the 70s (possibly the 60sso she could live through both decades). That’s her entire aesthetic, honestly.This is the type of song she puts on to dance around her hotel room while Shawnbegs her to hurry up and get ready to leave.

“Drive” by The Cars – Honestly, this is just a personalfavorite of mine because there’s something so 80s RomCom about being drivenhome by a guy you have romantical tension with. Maybe it just very, veryspecifically relates to my high school experience. A song that puts me in a starry-eyed,butterflies in the stomach type of writing mood.

[bondsmagii]

heya! 6, 11, 38, 49, 50 for the end of year thing? :)

hey! thank you ✨

6: If you traveled, where did you go?

I didn’t travel too far this year, but I did travel for some impressive lengths of time! I’ve spent the year going back and forth between Scotland and London, and spent three months living in the London Flat over the summer. it was a lot of fun, and very busy – I feel like I lived an entire year just in those three months alone!

11: What album came out and has been on heavy rotation since then?

I am a godless heathen with a finely trained YouTube algorithm so generally I don’t listen to albums so much as a series of songs that range across the last four decades 😂 I would say the album I’ve listened to the most songs from consistently has been Wasteland, Baby! by Hozier, though. because of course it’s Hozier.

38: What was the best moment of the year for you?

I’ve been lucky enough to have so many of these moments I can barely choose! there have been endless days lounging around by the loch, reading and studying; there have been so many delicious meals cooked at home at 2am while listening to music; there have been endless adventures in London, where even a simple bus ride through the quiet city at midnight can make me feel such love I can hardly contain it. there have been dinner parties and cocktail nights ending in ambulance rides home (more hilarious than it sounds, don’t worry!); there have been mammoth writing sessions in bookstore coffee shops and riding carousels in the cold December air. Christmas this year was phenomenal – Acton and I went to Hyde Park’s Winter Wonderland twice and just indulged in all the food and rides, and then Christmas Day was the biggest Christmas I’ve ever experienced in my life. truly I couldn’t choose. there were so many of them, most of them small and sudden, but all of them wonderful.

49: What do you wish for others for the coming year?

I hope that everything troubling them is left behind in this year; I wish for more solutions and answers than problems and questions, and I hope that this year everyone manages to fulfil all their resolutions perfectly, because that is always an achievement and means great things for everyone. and of course, health & happiness & hygge.

50: What do you wish for yourself?

answered!

end of year asks ✨🎉