#i literally cant stand to live in this house with my fucking family any longer

[wherestarsfallaway]

I feel like this is a scary place. It holds some of my deepest hurtful memories. Memories of anger and spite. Memories of loneliness and sadness. It holds everything I wish to forget. Yet why do i find rereading my horrible thoughts so comforting?

Is it because I’m so goddamn alone that reading someones darkness… even if its my own.. feels comforting. Because someone out there is feeling that darkness too. Except. Its all just me anyway. Sometimes i feel like I come back here because I can look at these memories and think wow but I dont feel like that any more… so ive healed and grown.

Sometimes… I come back here to read all my thoughts about being hurt. And literally validate myself. Reread those thoughts and think ok. Well. She documented this years ago. So it mustve actually happened. Instead gas lighting away my own hurt. And chalking it up to nothing because thats easier

Today is the 20th.. well 21st now of December. In a few short days itll be christmas time and ill be back at my parents. I typed home first. But… i just really cant consider that true.

It hurts me so so much that I can’t truly love my family. It just does. I have this fantasy that I go on a podcast and I admit all the trauma I grew up with and people comment on that video that they understand and thank me for my vulnerability. What the therapist in me says that means is, i just want to be asked how Im actually doing and feeling for once without lying. And then get the chance to vent my true feelings. And then be thanked for being honest and vulnerable because I never got that experience growing up.

Its so complicated. There are months even that we are fine. Months where i think life is okay. Months where i finally feel like ive moved on and learned to get over all this bullshit. But that isnt true. And i fucking know it. Because the smallest randomest things will trigger me and I realize I havent healed at all. Im just hoping that the passage of time will dull the pain. But it wont. At least not fast enough for me.

I want to elope. And thats mainly because I feel like the only people who truly made me safe deserve to be there on my biggest most special day. And that person happens to be the person im actually marrying. And literally no one else. Why should I pay for people who didnt do the absolute bare minimum to celebrate my day? What did you do to earn the plate of my dinner because this isnt some fucking charity event.

I just saw someone say if youre considering ending it all because you think your family will be better off, dont because it isnt true. Yeah. I sometimes feel that. Ive felt both. Ive felt that sheer loneliness so deep and bitter that i think my family will be better off without me. But other days I know it would ruin them and that makes me happier because I actually wanna end it all out of sheer spite. Can you believe that. Sometimes. I was so angry at it all. Angry at the facade everyone else seemed to believe about us being the perfect family, that i wanted to die just so people would have to attend my funeral and realize what a shitshow it all was. Can you imagine how much fucking pain you have to put someone through for that to literally be their dying wish.

I’ve been paying rent on my own for months now. Which. At some level I understand. Im grown. But im literaly addicted to living here on my own because im terrified now of ruining the one space that makes me happy. If i have to hold my breath any longer Ill just pass away. I cant stand to compromise any more because I’ve just done this shit for too fucking long. I dont wanna hold my breath and tiptoe around my own house. I wanna relax and feel something other than anxiety in the space thats supposed to be my home. But im also exhausted. I finished my final two days ago but I’ve already worked so many hours. Ive been falling asleep midday because Im so emotionally exhausted. I just cant.

And meanwhile my family is fucking partying in las vegas. That shit builds so much resentment in me. I dont have to explain it. You know it. You understand. You dont wanna feel the betrayal anymore of knowing you were going thru a crisis just as deep and bad as your sister. But you just shut your mouth better about it. And nobody ever apologized for what they put you through. So you dont ever get closure.

At this point im so tired and sad I cant even continue this letter. Even though i have so much I want to get off my chest. My head hurts. My head hurts so bad from staring at a screen for 9 hours.

I have the sinking feeling this xmas season… sigh. I dont want to manifest it. But I wish I didnt have to go. I wish I could spend that week here. I’m tired. I barely have the strength to do anything anymore. And now Ill have to spend this break pretending. I wish I didnt want their approval so much. And i wish I could just let them go and live the life i truly want to live. Im tired.

Sometimes I fantasize about moving somewhere in secret. Turning off my location. And just vanishing. So i would have no more obligations.

But i never get what i want.. so heres to more hopeless dreams

Gnight

[boymartyrarchive]

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[chikkou]

I'd ask this on your Lisa sideblog but you don't have anon on and I'm shy lol, but do you have any headcanons relating to Lisa the First? Like Lisa's views on religion, her relationship with her mother, if any of the various worlds we see mean anything?

hoh man i didnt even know anon wasnt on LMAO... ill turn it on after i post this!

also fuck YEAH i do holy shit i fucking LOVE lisa the first!! i know its sort of the black sheep of the lisa series, since it is a completely different type of game and was clearly austins first game, but i fucking ADORE it dude. the music - which he made ENTIRELY IN THE FREE TRIAL OF FL STUDIO BY THE WAY - is FANTASTIC, the art direction is actually pretty fucking incredible for an rpgmaker game that uses a good deal of basic assets, and the gameplay.... ok yeah that part is a bit lacking but its a yume nikki-style game be nice it was his first time LMAO

ANYWAY back to ur question. first and foremost, i think this is not even a headcanon so much as straight up canon, but lisa DESPISES christianity. marty is christian, probably catholic given the golden crosses everywhere, and he is a fucking scumbag hypocrite. lisa likely associates all of christianity with this line of thinking, as there is one room in the bile area where the melted martys (although i suppose we can just call them joy mutants now LMAO) simply stand in a circle surrounding one big cross. the role of the melted martys is up for interpretation of course, as is everything, but after playing the painful and seeing them described as “mindless sheep,” i think this is how lisa viewed them. so they likely represent other people that, to lisa, are probably just as sick and disgusting as marty

lisas relationship with her mother... i go back and forth on this one a lot. i can never decide if i prefer the headcanon that lisas mom died in childbirth, and so lisa never met her, or if i prefer that lisas mom was around for a very short time and then either left or died. the fact that she says “i didnt want to leave” at the end of the first leads me to believe that she most likely died. in either case, the memory of her mother was clearly important to lisa, as she wears her pendant through the entire game and its explicitly noted as being a gift from her. in either case, i think that the death/absence of the mother is heavily implied to be the primary cause behind martys descent into alcoholism and lisas abuse, since the white room strongly implies that marty did at one time sincerely love and care for her as a father properly should 

as for the meaning of each of the rooms, i think most of them are fairly self explanatory, but some of them are a bit more vague, so ill break it down in terms of how i see it (and ill put them under the cut because its long as hell):

martys house - this is the most literal one. pretty self-explanatory. the dark, yet vibrant colors and the ear-bleedingly loud tv are pure sensory overload, something lisa probably deals with on a regular basis. when lisa goes outside and it turns into a sky of marty faces, i think this is the transition into the psychological part of the game

the lobby - this is honestly just pure yume nikki ripoff LMAO... but if i had to ascribe a symbolic meaning to it, i think its probably a quiet and safe area for lisa to retreat to in her mind when she needs it, but even that eventually gets sullied as tricky rick makes his way there, too (and tells her hes “just waiting” when she talks to him). the majority of gameplay is lisa searching for items with which to kill tricky rick, who always abuses and disparages her whenever she talks to him, telling her she’ll never forget. as for the reason why... well, take one look at him and its pretty clear whats going on there. (the name is also a reference to richard nixon, whose nickname was... well, you can figure it out!)

the town - the bar area is 100% my favorite from this world; lisa clearly hates alcohol and anyone who drinks it, associating them all with marty, and that music... all i can say is YUCK. the entire section also consists of lisa having to give up something in exchange for what she needs to move on, and usually getting the raw end of the deal out of it (she gives one marty a banana, he gives her a banana peel in return). she does all that while avoiding a marty following her outside who repeatedly tells her “you cant escape,” and upon reaching tricky rick (who is atop a narrow, columnar, PINK mountain), it becomes pretty clear whats happening to her. 

the sea room - fucking marty spiders man. im assuming they represent the sickly feeling of crawling skin she gets when she looks at him or is anywhere near him, but holy GOD they are annoying to deal with. she kills tricky rick with pills here - we dont know what kind of pills these are, but i interpret them as sleeping pills, and given the rumbling music and the rapid cycling marty background, i wonder if he forced her to take these. marty is everywhere here, but the only one she can speak to is seen chilling on a raft of some kind. marty likely spent much of his time recreationally, i.e. drinking, so it makes sense why this would be here

the rope room - theres no symbolism here this is just pure comedy (LMAO). if i HAD to assign some meaning to this area, it would be that lisa likely is so despondent at this point that putting in effort to do anything feels utterly pointless, much like climbing this long-ass rope was

the white room - as i mentioned earlier, i personally believe that this area depicts the previous relationship between marty and lisa (and also has one of my favorite songs in the game). he is shown doing traditional fatherly things - he is no longer wearing sunglasses and is wearing a suit, meaning he was likely employed, and is actually smiling. he also spends time with her in a completely platonic, familial way. when she interacts with him, there is a little heart over his head. after lisa walks through the golden statues (which will reappear later), the entire world becomes filled with bile, and martys appearance returns to that of the other martys, but with an extremely warped, grotesque face. the item she needs in this area to kill tricky rick is found between two golden crosses.

notice that all of the items she kills tricky rick with - a razor, pills, and now a plastic bag - are things that a child could plausibly get their hands on; none of them are explicitly weapons. i think this shows both her age and how often she must have considered using those things against him. 

the bile room - probably my favorite area in the game, and also features what i consider the quintessential lisa song. this area really drives home lisas disgust with marty and with christianity as a whole - it almost certainly has the highest concentration of crosses, and it is also quite literally covered in wall-to-wall bile, dirty water, and disgusting houses. a lot of the most graphic sights, like the melting martys and the pond martys (no idea what to call them LMAO) are here, so i think this is pretty much the lowest circle of hell for lisa. marty gives lisa a freshly cut finger in exchange for a napkin here; im not necessarily sure what that represents, but i think the napkin was used by marty to masturbate (as he says “i needed that” after he takes it), so perhaps the finger is martys?

lisa kills tricky rick here in a cave that is not-so-subtly shaped like a penis, and gets a vhs tape in which he pretty explicitly states what is going on in the game; he even pretends like he doesnt know who lisa is at first, which somehow makes it even more disgusting. the fact that vhs tapes play a role here sort of makes me wonder if marty really WAS filming some of what he was doing, and given that lisa the joyful confirms that brad was forced to somehow participate in lisas abuse, that is.... horrific to think about, honestly

the marty tape - this tape just has the player (as marty) walk up to lisa and suited marty, who are having a tea party with a plastic tea set. they both get hearts over their heads if you talk to them. i think this drives home that he and lisa did once have a normal relationship, and perhaps theres some part of marty who misses that? theres a LOT of ways you can interpret this; having the player become marty really calls a lot into question.

the mansion - the room leading here has a marty staring directly at the player who informs lisa that she needs a sword to progress. unsubtly, the sword must be placed into the crotch of a womans statue. the mansion inside is beautiful and ornate, and easily the most gorgeous area in the game - and it all leads to what appears to be a proto-joy mutant marty, sort of looking like jabba the hutt. i dont doubt that this is intentional, given that jabba the hutt is associated with slave leia, and its not at all a far leap to call lisa martys slave. the golden statues of women, as well as many golden crosses, are everywhere in this area. its actually quite a large space with a lot of thought put into it, so im really upset that i cant figure out more of what it represents LMAO

the final area - lisa seems to go back to her actual house, but upon leaving her room and entering whether the living room would be, the whole area changes. she encounters herself in a blood red room, but when she talks to the other lisa, she turns into marty. i think this represents a clear question - who is lisa without him? IS she anyone? or is she just a vessel for him to do with what he pleases? she encounters a naked marty telling her to give up shortly after, and flees from him, but is followed by voices repeatedly telling her that she must accept her fate. i think this clearly show the mental state of lisas last days. she was tormented, eternally. she truly felt there was no escape from marty. even the background becomes nothing but martys face, over and over again, as the end screen flashes.

at the end text, she finds a video tape, and in the tape sees someone who is ostensibly her mother from behind. she apologizes for not being there for her, but when that figure turns out, its martys face that she sees. the sky turns into marty. the music becomes corrupted and overrun with pretty fucked up laughter. she tries to run, but marty is already everywhere. theres nowhere for her to run. and then the game is over.

note that the video tape comes AFTER the games end screen, which stops not long after the appearance of the naked marty. so i personally believe that the “game over” represents her deciding to take her own life, rather than just give up and accept her fate. by running from him into the blackness, she got away from marty the only way she could have. it is sad and horrible, but that is honestly the best ending that she could have gotten in this game.

the first is definitely not as good as the painful in terms of gameplay, that much i can agree on, but i really think people miss out on a lot by not playing it. i think its really crucial to see lisas life from her own perspective before you can see it from brads - after all, brad may have known more than anyone else about what was going on, but he did not experience it like lisa did. for brad, lisa is a symbol of his own regrets and failures, but lisa was a PERSON (well, in-universe anyway LMAO). she suffered on her own, with pretty much no one to help her, and then she suffered so much that she couldnt take another second of it. 

[katymacsupernatural]

If Only In Dreams Part 2

Dean Winchester x Reader

Story Summary: You are a fairy who has the special ability to visit dreams. Charged with visiting the dreams of Dean Winchester to fill a prophecy, things are a lot more than Y/N bargained for.

Catch Up Here: Part 1

So I was just going to make a part 2. But this story had other ideas, and I’m thinking it might have around five instead. 

3 years later

Blood was all you could see. Covering literally every surface of what had once been a safe haven. Men, woman, every age of fairy had not been spared. Bodies were strewn about, their faces frozen in horror at what they had just witnessed.

"Ailsa!" You cried your daughter's name. It echoed through the silence. You cried it over and over again, searching the small clearing in the forest, finding no evidence of your daughter. 

As you rounded the corner of your small clay hut, a hand reached out, stopping you. "Aine!" You exclaimed, dropping to your knees. Your leader was already under a large pine tree, her dress shredded and covered in dirt and blood. Blood was pooling underneath her from a large wound in her stomach.

You reached into your pouch, pulling out the magical dust that you kept for emergencies. But Aine shook her head, pushing weakly against your hand. "No, keep it. I'm too far gone."

"What happened?" You asked. "Wheres Ailsa?"

Aine closed her eyes, and for a moment you worried she was gone. "Demons. They were searching. The knew of the prophecy! Find Dean. Only he will be able to find your daughter."

With shaking hands, Aine placed her pouch in your hand, pushing it to you before her eyes fluttered closed and she left you alone. The last fairy on earth.

You wanted to take care of the dead. They deserved a proper burial, but all you could think about was your daughter. She was out there, all alone, in the hands of Demons. Who knew what they would do to her.

Aines last words had you thinking. She had mentioned Dean, a man who invaded your thoughts on a daily basis. You hadn't seen him since that night, and more than once you had thought about visiting his dreams. But Aine had made you promise not to. And you respected her too much to go against her wishes.

With tears in your eyes, you took your meager belongings, growing them in a bag. Glancing at the dead bodies lying everywhere, you whispered a spell. Blending into the trees, you could hear the ground moving, the trees growing. No longer was it a clearing. The forest had taken over once again, burying the bodies for you.

You were in the middle of the Washington forest. Miles away from any civilization. But you had a secret up your sleeve. Most fairies couldn't fly. You weren't born with wings or floated around like in Peter Pan. But magic, old magic passed down from the ancients made it easy to travel short distances. 

Before long you were in the small town of Chelan.  It was still early in the morning, people just starting their day. You caught a couple of teenage girls staring your way, and you glanced down at yourself in concern. 

Your light purple skirt had blood and grass stains. Your tank top hadn’t faired much better. Your hands were caked in Aine’s blood. Your hair was matted, and you knew you couldn’t go on looking like this. Wishing you could just magic away all the stains, you turned yourself invisible instead, heading straight for the thrift store. 

A couple skirts, shirts, shoes, and the other necessities found their way into your bag. Tossing your stained clothes in the dumpster, you let yourself be seen again, this time much cleaner. But you still had no idea where to go. How to find Dean and your daughter. 

It would help if Aine had told you more about the prophecy. But she had kept quiet about it, telling you little bits and pieces when it had been necessary. Sinking down on a bench, you realized how screwed you were. You had magical powers, weak ones at that. They wouldn’t help you find your daughter. Or know what was in the prophecy. 

A tear slipped down your cheek, and you angrily brushed it away. You could slip into Dean’s dream, but you had no idea if he was sleeping. Instead, you forced yourself to walk to the bus station, buying a ticket away from here. Towards Kansas, where you had once known him to be. 

The bus ride was tedious. Completely full of strangers, you were forced to sit beside a large man who constantly sent glances your way. You could feel his interest and lust wafting off of him, and you wanted to move to another seat. But they were all taken, so you were forced to stay.

It was almost three hours into the ride before he made his move. His meaty hand landed on your thigh, his nasty breath annoying your sense of smell. “Hey, there beautiful. You might be more comfortable sitting on my lap.” 

Rather than waste words arguing, you sent a quiet spell through the air. His hand slipped from your leg, his head hit the window with a thud, hopefully sleeping for the rest of the trip. 

The trip gave you time to think. About the prophecy. About your daughter. But most of all, about Dean. How he would react if you found him. 

"Last stop!" The bus driver called out, and you scurried out of the bus before the large man woke up.

You had no idea what to do next. You had money and could conjure more if needed. But you hated using magic for things like that. 

Instead, you found a secluded picnic table at a closed restaurant. Sitting down, you closed your eyes, focusing your energies. It was always easier to visit dreams when you were close and had something of theirs. But you had nothing but your memories, and you focused on them.

Seconds ticked by and you began worrying that it wasn't going to work. Or that he was still asleep. But finally you found that golden tunnel, and you walked down it.

Suddenly the golden light was gone, and you were standing in a cluttered living room. Books filled every space, some half opened others with scraps of paper as bookmarks.

You didn't recognize this place. It had to be the wrong…

"Y/N?" Dean's voice rang out through the empty room. "Is that...Is that really you?"

Slowly you turned around, bracing yourself as you saw him for the first time in three years. He had changed, much as you had expected him to. The years hadn't been kind. He was still ruggedly handsome, but there were more lines on his face. His eyes were narrower, some of that carelessness gone. "Hi Dean," you spoke softly, wanting to reach out and touch him.

"Where have you...I don't get it," he stuttered, trying to find the right words. "Y/N, you vanished. "You're a figment of my imagination, and you vanished. I tried calling you back but you...what are you?"

"Can we sit?" You asked, pointing to the ugly, faded brown couch. 

He nodded, eyeing you warily. 

"Where are we?"

He glanced around, almost as if he didn't know where his dream had taken him. "Bobby's house."

You wanted to ask him who Bobby was. It had to be a strong connection for Dean to be dreaming about his house. But that's not what mattered right now.

Taking a deep breath, you reached for his hand, but he pulled it away. It hurt, but you understood.

"Y/N, it's been three years," he muttered. "Unless you have a good explanation…,"

"I'm a fairy!" You exclaimed. "I was ordered to visit your dreams because of a prophecy."

He seemed blindsided by your admission, but he quickly regained control. Standing up, he placed the small area in front of the couch. "A freaking fairy? I thought they were...smaller."

"Some can be. I'm not one," you answered. "Dean, can we talk in person, please? I need your help."

"You came back to me after three years, telling me you're a fairy and you let me fuck you because of some sort of prophecy. And now you want to meet in person? I'm not that stupid sweetheart."

Blinking back tears, you tucked your feet under you, sighing deeply. "Dean, they killed my entire family. I'm the only fair left. Besides our daughter, but they have her."

"Daughter?" He choked. "There cant be a daughter! It was just in my dreams!"

You shook your head. "Dreams I visit work differently. They're very real. I'm so sorry to dump this all on you, but I have nowhere else to turn."

He sank back down, staying as far away from as possible. "If this didn't happen, would you have told her about me?" He asked, but you could tell he wasn't sure he believed you.

"I don't know," you answered truthfully. "I wanted to so bad, but I wasn't allowed to."

"This is too much," he muttered, brushing his hand through his hair. "First you show up, tell me you're a fairy and that we conceived a daughter together in my dreams. And she’s been kidnapped by Demons."

You shook your head emphatically. "Yes. It sounds weird, I know. But it's true."

"Sweetheart, my whole life is about weird," he sighed. "But I do know you cant be a figment of my imagination. So I will give you this. But try anything…,"

"Nothing! I promise!"

"Fine. Where are you?"

"Some town in Kansas," you answered. "I didn't know where you were."

He took a piece of paper from the end table, scrawling an address on it. "Meet me here. We'll talk, and I'll see if I really believe you."

Suddenly he was gone, and you were sitting up at the picnic table, relieved that Dean was at least giving you a chance.

Dean/Jensen Tags:@acortez82 @acreativelydifferentlove @adoptdontshoppets @a-girl-who-loves-disney @akshi8278  @bebravekeeponfighting  @brindz30 @cap-just-said-language @colette2537   @deansgirl215   @its-not-a-tulpa @jerkbitchidjitassbutt @just-another-winchester @karouwinchester @keikoraventeller  @krys198478 @librarygeekery @misspygmypie @mlovesstories @mrsambroserollinsacklesmgk  @mrspeacem1nusone @ria132love @ruprecht0420     @sortaathief @superseejay721517 @squirrelnotsam @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @torn-and-frayed @tricksterdean @wonderfulworldofwinchester @woodworthti666 

Forever Tags: @aditimukul @alexwinchester23 @algud @amanda-teaches @andreaaalove   @artisticpoet @atc74 @be-amaziing @camelotandastronauts @caswinchester2000 @chelsea072498  @closetspngirl   @docharleythegeekqueen @emoryhemsworth @ericaprice2008  @esoltis280   @gh0stgurl @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish @goldenolaf25 @growningupgeek  @heyitscam99 @hobby27 @horsegirly99 @internationalmusicteacher @iwriteaboutdean  @jayankles @jensen-gal @just-another-busyfangirl @karlee-fay-my-wayward-son @lifelovelaughangell123 @li-ssu @linki-locks11 @littleblue5mcdork  @lowlyapprentice   @maui137 @mogaruke @musiclovinchic93  @nanie5   @percussiongirl2017 @plaid-lover-bay25   @roonyxx @ronja-uebrick @roxyspearing @samanthaharper2018 @samanddeanmyheroes @sandlee44 @shamelesslydean @simonsbluee @sillesworldofwriting @sgarrett49 @spnbaby-67 @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester @spnwoman   @superbadassnatural @thatcrazybookwormgeek   @thewinchesterchronicles @vvinch3st3r @wecantgiggleitsafandom @whimsicalrobots @winchester-writes @zombiewerewolfqueen

[withallthingslove]

the handmaid’s tale s2ep11 thoughts

under the cut because spoilers

overall a pretty decent episode. it felt very much like old handmaids tale which was nice

this show’s pattern seems to be very slow start and then everything happening at the end

eleanor is quickly adding to my list of favorite characters in this show. Even if she is unstable i love that she sees through the bullshit and knows that even though lawrence was raped in this situation as well that june was raped because of him and the society he created. eleanor sees through everything in gilead and i love it

june saying she wants to kill him too you go queen

the scene with lawrence and june drinking.... while june is a motherfucking badass and she has bounced back from hitting rock bottom i dont think she’s well. and lawrence knows that too which is why he made the mental health comment. this season is definitely about changing june. there have been hints of it in previous seasons but this is when she goes through more of a personality transformation

wow the marthas really run gilead we stan

i think it’s pretty obvious from the start that serena is setting up fred. the way she said goodbye to rita, she knew she wasnt coming back. and I think her beginning nerves were because she was nervous about what would happen to fred not really tuello betraying her

and of course fred is his cocky normal self but its heightened even more when they are alone. I’m conflicted on how serena acted with fred... part of me thinks she still loves him. Because they’ve always been this delusional power-hungry team that have a connection. But then part of me viewed it like the end of the wolf of wall street where margot robbie’s character gets leo’s character to fuck her one last time and butters him up and then shes like “i want a divorce”

the scene in the woods with them at the econo family’s house was beautifully shot. the scenery, the camera work. beautiful. The conversation that took place... solidified more to me serena was setting him up. It seemed like she was saying goodbye in a way. She brought up what she was unhappy with and reminisced with him, and when he said he didnt need to live in dc i didnt believe him and i dont think she did either

but fred admitting he was sterile..... um wow if he wasnt such a terrible human i would be proud of his character development

more proof serena was planning to cross him though is that her reaction was very sad instead of like rushing to comfort him

glad they didnt show the waterfords having sex because honestly dont need that in my life and any scene of them doing it is a waste of time to me 

for a second i freaked out when it looked like lawrence had abandoned them because i hadn’t read that in the spoilers for the episode

are they coming after lawrence because of his liberal tendencies? or because he wasn’t performing the ceremony?

june walking through jezebels like she owns the place. i love her confidence

the bartender being concerned about beth made me happy i feel like she’s really well liked and i hope nothing bad happens to her

also the bartender knowing about lawrence robbing all the museums is another good way of showing he isnt really that much better than the other commanders considering fred and serena did the same thing

ugh winslow.... 

june trying to give herself the speech and then snapping. It’s interesting because in one way it shows she has lost her humanity the way emily and moira had. one thing about june in the book was that she always “kept her humanity” and that was shown in the second season when june couldnt bring herself to kill the waterfords. But the longer june stays in gilead the more unhinged she becomes. BUT I would also argue she has more humanity now because she cant suppress her disgust anymore and so she reacts. So while its more unhinged I think its also more like a new aspect of her personality being born

love that the martha helped her and that the marthas literally cleaned up the entire scene they really are bomb ass bitches. QUEENS

lawrence giving june the gun.... what are they gonna do shoot off whoever comes to the house? or is that for when they try to escape

if june is staying and not escaping after this season i could see her truly going underground/on the run at the end of the season and not going to someone’s house to be a handmaid

mmmmmm tuello is fine and still stand by the idea that he and serena will fuck 

fred immediatly doesnt trust him which is actually smart of fred but i also think that it was more fred was insecure about himself and projected. not that he felt something was up. just my personal opinion

fred is such a dick the way he yelled at tuello once they parked but its the way ive seen every privileged white man get mad about anything small so it was perfect delivery

when tuello said they had crossed into canada and all the soldiers came out... YESS WE STAN A KING

It was so satisfying for tuello to say what fred was being arrested for as the americans looked on. SOOOO satisfying

As for Serena.... I think my question from earlier was answered in how she looked at him. She does still love him and so part of her felt terribly guilty for playing him. So the way she was treating fred earlier was because she does love him still but also knew she was betraying him

For the next few episodes... im guessing serena defected and gave fred up or gave them both up hoping doing so would let her see holly. Which ugh. If this season ends with serena in hawaii with holly instead of nick and june in hawaii with holly im gonna fucking riot. 

anyway based on the preview moira, luke and holly visit fred and serena and fred is in a jail cell and its said serena betrayed him. but I couldn’t tell if serena was in a jail cell too. My guess is kind of what i predicted earlier in the season and that serena’s long term plan when she left canada was not to get holly back to gilead but was to find a way to leave gilead and take holly with her so i imagine she will try to get custody of holly ughhhhh. 

If nick and june can’t be there to parent her then luke and moira should. not serena

im interested to see what happens in the next few episodes because so far this season has been all over the place and so who knows how it will end (i know some of what will happen but not everything and i want more spoilers)

[panicked-nights]

Mother, Make Me (a big grey cloud) ~*~ [Panic + Helle]

In which Panic goes to the Ambassador for help after discovering Attina is gone...[takes place: March 10]

[tw: discussion of death, discussion of child death, fire/burning]

PANIC: Tina was gone.

Stepping into their house there was a certain chill. A chill that resembled his own.

An energy that didn’t belong in this world. Just like how she didn’t belong in his.

It didn't matter that the house was perfect.

Tina was gone.

And it was his fault.

No one escaped the Underworld. Not alive at least and admittedly Panic was sure already if he could be counted as alive. After all he had been able to get out once.

What do we do? What do you mean what do we do? I mean we're not leaving her alone down there are you? For all you complained about that place- Do you really think I'm going to leave her there Perc? But there is no we at all during any of this. You can't do shit. I can do more than you give me credit for. It's the underworld buddy. No one can do shit.

Feeling the familiar tug and pull Panic all but ripped himself from Percy's body. But Panic's form didn't ripple. It didn’t waiver because for the past two decades he had worked on strengthening himself.

Even now he could feel some of Percy's strength while they stood side by side.

He couldn't just wait for that to weaken time was an iffy problem. He wasn't leaving Attina there girl any longer than necessary. Mind you the minutes here were already too long. He needed a quick way to get down there more than waiting for him to get pulled back in. He needed to give up something so Tina could leave.

He needed to tie himself there.

You're not coming back are you? Not at all. Time to meet the ambassador. 

It didn’t take long to get to Belle's place. Of course if it had then Panic was really barking up the wrong option.

So when Belle opened the door he didnt have time to spare.

"Hey. Great to see you and everything. Any chance Hades is at home? I need his help. Or yours if you know how to send a demon back to the underworld."

BELLE: There was a knock on the door. 

In the Acheron house, that was rarely a good sign. Especially when they were not expecting anyone. It was only Belle at home, at the moment. Opal was upstairs napping, Hades at Chapter Three, giving Belle some peace and quiet to focus on her school work. 

But, there was a knock on the door. 

Belle looked up from her books at the kitchen table, towards the door. Shuck lifted his head as well from where he’d been sleeping at her feet. He did not growl, just watched the door steadily. With a little, annoyed sigh, Belle got up from the table and made her way to the door. 

When it was Percy...Panic...Percy and Panic?--she smiled and opened her mouth to say hello, but they cut across her at once. Her brow furrowed and she closed her mouth, looking them over once. Who was even speaking to her? Surely Percy, yes? Why would a demon want to go back to the Underworld? She took in the look on his face--the way his brows were furrowed and he seemed pale and anxious. Whatever was going on, it was not good. 

Belle steeled herself, as she always did when facing someone knocking on the door.

“You should come in,” Belle said without really answering. She opened the door a little more and then closed it behind her friend. “Hades isn’t home, but he should be soon.” He would be, because Belle was reaching into her pocket to text him now.

“Now, what’s happened?” she asked, feeling rather official, like Panic was a client of hers, that she was agreeing to defend in court. Perhaps, that was how queens often felt. The thought simultaneously amused and exhausted her.

PANIC: Panic ran his hands through his hair ever thankful he had spoken to Belle about being a demon even though it was just about having a kid because now it meant he didn’t have to explain too much again.

He didn’t have the time.

If he did he would have done this all on his own. Waited until his power drained him enough that he couldn't stay here anyway.

He didn’t think about telling Belle who he was. Who she was talking to. He barely gave Percy a chance to remind him to be nice.

He had fucked up and Tina was paying for it.

Fuck.

Calm-- Don’t tell me to calm down. But you need to. Belle can’t help if you're all frazzled. Fuck off Perc. Not happening idiot. Either calm down or I'm taking over. I can do this. My fiancée. Basically our kid yeah? Fuck you

"Apparently I left some really bad connections down below and they came back to haunt me. Not literally." Panic muttered sarcastically waving his hand in the air as if some random ghost would be offended at him.

"Tina was dragged into the underworld and I need to go back as quickly as possible before I cant find her."

BELLE: Belle blinked once. 

In that blink, a thousand emotions crashed through her. Fear spiked first--harsh and cold inside of her, as if she’d just been stabbed through with an icicle. A deep, throbbing sadness was left behind in its wake. This was followed by a kind of exhausted recognition. It reminded her of Hercules, showing up at her door with a dead body in his arms. Married to the Lord of the Underworld, this was her life. Hearing these tragedies was just going to be part of the package, a sacrifice she didn’t mind making, no matter how hard. Death would always shroud this house. Death slept in her bed every night. 

That did not make bearing this burden any easier.

Because--a mortal could not go into the Underworld without dying. 

Surely Panic knew what Belle knew: Attina was, most likely, already dead. If she had been dragged through the veil, she was already lost. Not that Belle would give up just like that, if Belle was that kind of person, she’d not be standing there now, but the path would not be an easy one to try and get Attina back.

“We should sit down,” Belle told Panic gently after that initial moment passed. She drew up her armor then. It was a heavy thing to hold, but Belle had held much heavier before. Her hand reached out and grabbed the frantic Panic by the elbow, tugging him gently but firmly over to the couch and making him sit before she sat down next to him.

“What kind of demons took her? Do you know? If--” she’s still alive “--we need to know where she is if we are going to do anything about it.”  

PANIC: Panic took a deep breath but allowed Belle to tug him over. He didn't want to sit. If he sat then he had to think about everything that had happened and was happening. The tidal wave of everything would crash over him and he was sure he might just drown.

He didn't have his mermaid to save him now.

Breath. Breath and I've got you. I can't do this Perc. I can't. You have to because there's no other choice.

Now that was a strange thing where percy was the one calming him. Protecting him. But he would let that because the other option wasn't pleasant.

"It has to be more demons of emotions. I've had my trouble with a few. Greed. Envy. Pride. Anger." The last he was feeling so much he might as well be a demon of it.

"I don't know anything and I don't care. I can't leave her there. I have to get her back."

BELLE: If this was another situation, Belle might find it kind of amusing, the whole concept of “demons of emotions.” Not in a true haha-funny way, but in an ironic way, because it felt almost too accurate. Belle lived most of her life ruled by those kinds of demons--Envy, Panic, even Anger, occasionally Pride. She knew just how dangerous they could be, without their physical manifestations. Yes, that also made her very aware of how dangerous the demon sitting on her couch was, but she also trusted him, in that ill-advised way of hers.

“I know,” Belle told him softly. “We will do what we can, alright? Just--give me a moment. I promise, just one moment.”

With that, she stood up and moved to the mud room, disappearing around the corner. Crouching down on her hands and knees, she crawled along the floor until she found the group of books she was looking for. Grabbing them, she sat up and then stood, making her way back to the living room. 

“Until Hades gets here, this should help us get a good start. I’ll need you to tell me everything about these demons. Anything you remember, from your own time in the Underworld. Then, we can make a plan to get her out. We will do everything we can.”

At least, Belle knew that was true. Belle didn’t know what Hades was going to do about Panic, she knew he wasn’t going to be happy, but--either way, Attina was innocent in all of this, and it was their job to make sure innocents didn’t get mixed up in all this Underworld mess to start. At least, that was how Belle saw her Wife of the Ambassador duties.  

PANIC: Panic curled in on himself focused only on his and Percy’s heart beat.

Percy’s heartbeat. It wouldn’t be his for much longer. 

One moment was enough for Panic to descend into his own mind of chaos. For Percy to peek out and mentally shake Panic until he was willing to look up with tears in his eyes as Belle returned brushing them away.

“Just before we get into all of this - you’re a good person Belle. Mind looking out for Percy for me? Tina too. When she gets back.” Panic didn’t care if it was a long shot. He didn’t care if Belle didn’t think they could get Tina out. Panic had to get her back. He wanted her back here with her sisters and her family.

And after all of this. Panic didn’t think he’d be the one to offer any help.

BELLE: Belle didn’t notice that Panic was crying. Even if she had, she would’ve pretended she didn’t. Knowing what that was like, being so consumed by fear that you could do nothing else but cry. She knew how uncomfortable it was to cry in those situations, how vulnerable you felt. So, she would’ve ignored it, if she’d seen it. 

She hadn’t, however, because she was busy flipping through her books, jumping into research. They were in a race against the clock. Belle was familiar with this feeling and she knew that they couldn’t waste a single second. 

Though, when Panic started talking, Belle stopped. That anxiety of time running out suspended for a moment and she saw the pain beneath all the rest. See, Belle didn’t like dealing with the pain--thinking about Panic’s pain, or Attina’s fear, or their baby--

She just wanted to get to work.

But, she also felt her heart twist at Panic’s plea and she reached out her hand to grasp his. Her smile was small, but genuine.

“I promise,” Belle told him. “We’ll look after them.” She hesitated, because she wanted to tell him that it would be fine and he would be the one looking after them, but she wasn’t sure if she would be able to promise that. A demon of his status escaping once from the Underworld was a feat. Twice was almost unheard of. “If it comes to that, we will make sure they’re taken care of. It’s basically our job.” Well, it wasn’t, not really, but Belle felt like it was. 

PANIC: There was a moment of calm thinking about the future, one where Tina and Percy were safe. One where Amelia was with her mom and whatever they decided on Percy being. He didn’t need to be there for them to be happy as long as they were home and safe.

He apologized now. Percy having all the words Panic would say when Attina was back and Panic couldn’t say them himself. 

“Thank you.” Panic stated softly though there wouldn’t ever be enough thanks Panic could offer Belle for any help she was able to give. Even just a moment up here more. Even just helping Percy after the fact. Even just being a great friend.

Oh poor Sally. Maybe she saw this coming, Maybe she already knew what he was about to do and Percy wouldn’t have to explain it.

Squeezing her hand back the calm rushed away back into the tidal wave creeping higher and higher. Even as pages flipped to information Panic knew and didn’t know. The tidal wave creep closer and closer. Higher and higher.

At least until the door opened and the water escaped and the Ambassador walked in. The one thing Panic had been avoiding all these years.

HADES:  Hades sensed the demon when he saw the lights of his house. And that was when Hades ran.

Before, he’d been sporting a serious, directed walk-- spurred on by the texts Belle sent, couched in rather vague language. He knew that official Ambassador business waited for him at home; he knew that Opal and his wife was safe; he knew that on the scale of potential underworld disasters, this ranked on the lower end, or else Belle wouldn’t have simply texted (she would have, at least, called.) So he’d quickly shut down the store roughly forty minutes earlier than he would have already, and then made his way home.

But when he felt the demon--its energy frenetic, pushing the friendly, sleepy ghosts out of the realm of his home in fright-- Hades had no bloody idea what Belle was thinking.

So he ran, threw open the door of his house before he was several metres there. He rounded in and did not bother to ask questions. It mattered very little to him that Belle was holding a book and the demon was sitting across from her, as if they were having tea. His powers erupted as if an official announcement of his power. 

The lights flickered and Panic was dragged across the room toward Hades, and then forced to his knees. 

“Try anything and I won’t hesitate to make this especially painful,” Hades threatened and then looked up to see Belle staring at him, exasperated. “What?” he demanded. “You didn’t say you had a bloody demon over!” 

PANIC: There was a lot of reasons Panic avoided the ambassador of the underworld. 

Hades of course overpowered him.

Panic of course was technically not supposed to be here.

Percy of course was being possessed by a demon.

Neither boy had expected to be ripped from where they were sitting eyes rimmed red in front of said ambassador down on their knees like they needed to beg for their life.

To beg for forgiveness.

To beg for mercy.

No neither boy had expected it would go well. But they hadnt expected to feel the overwhelming and constricting power of Hades.

The thing was this was nothing compared to what Tina was going to have to face so his eyes while red and streaks of tears down his face.

Even with panic swirling in his chest adding to Hades power Panic steeled himself glaring at the Ambassador. 

"Fucking hell. Could have just asked would have bowed to you either way-" Panic muttered.

Shut the fuck up He's an asshole Hes doing his job He's an asshole Damn you're annoying. You wanna take over? You're more than welcomed to.

BELLE: The door burst open and Hades’ power swept in with the cold, like a shiver up the spine. Belle barely had time to react before Panic was being yanked across the floor, one of her precious books tumbling underneath him, its spine snapping backwards.

Right. Belle probably should’ve mentioned the demon part. She hadn’t thought about it. A grievous oversight, but, well--Panic was her friend. (A bit diabolical, honestly, on his part. Considering Belle was quite loyal to her friends and despite lying about being a demon (which, fair), Panic had always been a good friend. She couldn’t just turn on him because of what he was...it was kind of her whole thing.) He hadn’t registered in her mind as a demon she needed protection from.

She had gotten up from her seat as Hades whole show had played itself out, her hands in fists on her hips.

“Yes, if I thought that was pertinent information, I would’ve said so.” Which wasn’t exactly the truth, since she had more or less simply forgotten to mention it, but--she needed to be in control of this situation. “Now, let him go. He’s not going to hurt anyone. His name is Panic and he’s a demon of emotion and a father. His fiancee and unborn child have been kidnapped.” Belle raised both her eyebrows slightly in a ‘sound familiar’ gesture. “We’re going to help get them back,” she told her husband matter-of-factly.

Make no mistake, Belle knew she was in trouble, but she also knew that right now was not the time for a domestic. It was time to buckle down and get to work, to help Panic, Attina, and, most importantly, their unborn daughter.

HADES:  Hades’ eyebrows twitched up. And then his eyes narrowed. 

Belle had always been his partner first in the truest sense of the word-- partner before lover, partner before wife, partner before the mother of his child. He respected what she had to say and sought her input. 

However, being summoned here by his partner, not given all the information, and then commanded wasn’t exactly equal treatment, was it? And when it came to the demon kneeling in front of him, Belle’s input was not asked for. It wasn’t needed. For all of the complicated parts of his destiny, Hades had always understood the possession=bad part quite plain. Only mediums could ever handle a possession successfully and to some sort of a just ends. This bloke was not a medium. This demon was not a restless ghost in need of a little closure.

This demon was a demon, possessing a mortal. When Belle spoke of a fiancée and an unborn child, she spoke of the mortal’s fiancée and unborn child. Not the demon’s. Unless--? 

He did not let Panic go.

“We are?” Hades said, coldly. “Can we do that after we banish the demon part of him? Unless the fiancée and the unborn child are also demons, in which case, well, I don’t make it a point to save a demon I’ll just have to banish anyway.” He snorted. Clearly that sounded insane; Belle was many things, but not insane. “You’re not telling me the full story. Tell me that, and then I’ll consider thinking about maybe letting him go.” 

PANIC: Panic maybe unwisely (most definitely unwisely) wasn't afraid of Hades. But this was his story and Belle had been nice enough to be a friend and to already promise help in spite of her husband's annoyance.

He did however feel a little bad this was all popping up from him.

"They aren't demons. Just me. But my fiancee knows and Percy is more than capable of speaking for himself if you want to talk to him." Panic stated moving his eyes only to glance at Belle before focusing on Hades again. "My past came back to bite me in the ass and now my family is at risk." Panic started before taking a deep breath. Banishment was always an option. He wouldn't have sought both Belle and Hades out if that wasn't on the front of his mind.

"I want you to banish me. I want to go back but I need to figure out a way to get my daughter and Attina back here. They deserve that much even if my daughter has some demon in her which I don't even know how that would work because of Percy. But please. I beg you. Help me save Attina and my daughter." Banish him. Send him away. But bring them back.

BELLE: Right, well, that was fair enough, she supposed. 

And, honestly, did Hades really think Attina Triton was a demon? (Unless he didn’t know Panic was dating Attina...had Belle ever mentioned? Probably not, she wasn’t the type to gossip about friends, neither was Hades.) He probably only knew of Panic/Percy in the vaguest of senses anyway. To be fair, Belle and Percy/Panic weren’t exactly the best of friends. 

But, right, explaining. She could do that. She was going to do that.

Panic opened his mouth instead.

Belle closed hers with a little wince, though she quickly smoothed out her features. Nothing to do about it now. She would’ve put it differently, but at the end of the day, this was Panic’s life, his family, and he knew best. Except--

“What? Panic, no--” Belle took a step forward before she cut herself off, pressing her lips together and looking at Hades. 

“She’s human,” Belle said instead, confirming Panic’s story. “One of the Triton girls. Panic hasn’t done anything wrong,” she added. “He is good.” And Belle would never say this if she didn’t believe it wholly. To her, Hades’ job was not quite so black and white. He was supposed to keep the balance, not be judge, juror, and executioner. Some demons could exist in their world without any problems. Calcifer was an example of this. (Okay, well, there had been the whole Howl-almost-dying thing, but he hadn’t! And Belle had been able to talk to Percy, herself. What he had said made sense to her. Sure, it was strange, but it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility.)  

HADES:  Hades listened. 

Hades didn’t care for what Belle had to say-- Panic’s goodness, here, was irrelevant. 

What he did care was for the imbalance struck not here on Earth (though that would be fixed) but down in the Underworld. Panic wouldn’t be permitted to stay, but Attina and her child should be returned if what the demon and Belle said was true. If it was because of the demon’s mistakes, not that of Attina’s-- then the Underworld would give Attina and the child up.

Probably. 

“You’ll get your wish,” Hades said smoothly, after a few beats of silence. “You’ll be returned to the Underworld so you can save Attina and her child. But there’s little I can do for you once you’re down there. I may be able to walk all the paths, but the world will recognize you for your true self. And the Underworld will test you-- that’s what it does.” He snorted a little. He always found it a bit dramatic, the Underworld. All its tests, illusions, demands, and sacrifices. But it was to keep the balance, and so that made sense.

“So that means you’ll be leaving your human host behind. He wouldn’t survive otherwise.” Flames lit Hades’ fingers, flickering in a dance. “So. I can be ready when you are, if you’re eager to go now. Not sure what you’ll find in the books beyond the myths.” 

PANIC Panic. No Percy. This is what’s gotta be done. Go home, you’ve missed your parents long enough for my whims. Take the money. Go on a trip. See the world. Whatever you want. Go be you. That’s not the point. It never has been. But that’s what it is now. Thanks for the ride bud. I love you.

Pushing Percy back of his mind Panic nodded at Hades. “Never planned on taking him down there in the first place.” Glancing at Belle he hoped she would keep the promise she made. To Percy and to Attina, to Amelia. He didn’t need help on his side of things. 

If there was nothing else in the books that could help him then he would just have to figure it out there. He had done this once when he was younger yeah. He could do it again. Tina wasn’t meant for that world. They had to return her. Right? 

Steeling his eyes up to Hades, Panic nodded.

“I’m ready.”

HADES:  Hades glanced at Belle, but his glance didn’t linger. In the end, this was exactly what he had been born to do. In the end, no matter the other factors at play-- a fiance, a mortal child-- this sort of demon, a demon of emotion, did not belong in this world. His time had run out.

So Hades nodded back at Panic. Their eyes met. And in the mortal’s eyes, Hades could see the dark of the demon, though it wasn’t like any other demon he’d ever faced. Belle was telling the truth and so was Panic-- he did not mean to harm anyone. Despite this, there was no hesitation on Hades’ part, because he also saw acceptance in Panic’s eyes. Acceptance and sadness.

He might never meet his child. 

Hades’ heart thudded once for the demon, and then it was stone in his chest.

He pointed at the demon’s feet. Fire jumped to life, licking its way around Panic in a circle, trapping him there so he could not escape from it in case he had any second thoughts. Then Hades moved forward and stepped into the circle with him. He gently put his hand on Panic’s shoulder. 

“I wish you luck, I really do,” Hades offered. It was the only gift he could give. And then his hand slid to the demon’s throat, and his fire hissed to life. At its touch, the demon fled from the mortal’s body in a bright flare of blue flame. 

Just like that, it was over--

The fire turned into ash on the ground--

The man clutched in Hades’ arms, mortal once more. 

[watchmegetobsessed]

Crush // Shawn Mendes mini-series part 2

part 2 wohoooo!! this is honestly such a cute story i love writing it, im currently finishing the last part so i’ll probably update very soon!

part 1

masterlist

The awkwardness soon vanishes. This clear new chapter we just opened with Shawn allows me to loosen up and just enjoy a nice evening. Aaliyah and Eric seems satisfied with the outcome, the parents seem to hit it off quite easily and when we leave they already start making plans for another meetup.

“It was so nice meeting you!” Karen sighs happily as she hugs goodbye to all of us.

“You too, email me that recipe you told me about!” Mom points at her and she nods her head laughing.

I’m just about to step out of the house when Aaliyah grabs my wrist and pulls me back. I look at her with furrowed eyebrows.

“I need your help with a little something. Can you come over sometime tomorrow?” she whispers confidentially.

“Um, yeah. Around what time?” I ask.

“Three pm?”

“Sure,” I smile at her and she lets go of me.

On the way back home I’m thinking about what Aaliyah could need help with and the only thing I have in mind is Eric’s birthday that is on the 29th. She must be planning something special for him.

I call Maddi around midnight when I’m already in my pj’s, but I know she must be still up, maybe even drunk. For my surprise, she answers the phone quite modestly.

“How was the family union?” she asks chewing on something. I throw the cushions off of my bed and crawl under the blanket.

“Um, very interesting,” I chuckle closing my eyes and just shaking my head at the thought of the evening.

“Uh, spill the tea!” She cheers clearly very thirsty for some drama, though this story is not as juicy as she would want it.

“Guess who Aaliyah’s brother is!” I say, but I don’t expect an answer so I just continue. “Shawn Effing Mendes.”

“What?! Are you kidding me?” She gasps. “How did Eric forget to tell you this small detail?”

“Apparently, he thought it doesn’t matter to me, which is kind of true, but there is more.”

“What more? Did he hit on you? Because I’m not talking to you again if he did. He is hot!”

“No, he didn’t, but what you don’t know is that we have history.”

“Okay, now I’m confused!? How do I not know about this?”

“Well, remember my ex, Dylan? I told you about him.”

“Yeah, the asshole who cheated on you,” she hums.

“Well, Dylan and Shawn used to be best buds when we started dating, but the guy hated my guts, or so I thought. He was always mean to me, talking against me and just… avoiding me like the plague.”

“I thought he is the nicest person on earth.”

“He might be now, but when I knew him, he treated me like shit. So it was pretty awkward to see him again after all these years.”

“And how did it go? Was he an ass again?”

“No. He was… nice. Well, we both acted awkward in the beginning, I didn’t know if he would continue his act with me, but he turned out to be nice. And then at one point he told me he is sorry for everything in the past and he was just acting like that because he wanted to amuse Dylan.”

I turn to my side and stare out the window.

“That’s good, right? I mean, he grew out that mean phase and he is all good now.”

“Yeah, it’s just still weird to be around someone I knew from my Dylan phase.”

“But it’s Eric who is dating Aaliyah, why would you be constantly around him?”

“Aaliyah asked me to go over tomorrow, I think she is trying to put a surprise together for Eric’s birthday, so I’m spending the afternoon at the Mendes house.”

“Oh, then keep me updated about the details and sneak me a shirtless photo of Shawn please.”

“Maddi!” I scoff laughing. “Why would I even see him shirtless?”

“Maybe he likes wandering around in his home without clothes on, how would I know?!”

“Unbelievable. I’m going to sleep.”

“Bye bitch,” she sighs making me roll my eyes at her smiling.

“Bye.”

  I sleep late the next day, it’s past noon when I actually make it downstairs looking like a real human being. Eric and Dad are watching a documentary on WW II. while Mom is reading the newspaper at the dining table. I join her with a bowl of cereal.

“Do you have any plans for today?” She smiles at me over her narrow glasses as she turns a page. I lean closer hitting a confidential tone.

“I’m helping Aaliyah today, she asked me to go over around three.”

“Oh, birthday surprise for Eric?” she asks clearly excited.

“I think yeah.”

“Great. And you will probably see Shawn again.” Winking at me she puts the papers down.

“Why does that matter?” I ask with my mouth full. She caresses my cheek before standing up and walking over to the sink for some water.

“Isn’t he a nice young man? I think the two of you would look cute together.”

“Mom, you are literally talking about the biggest pop sensation, he is not really the kind of guy who just casually dates,” I say.

In my mind all these celebrities are living their wildest life. Even if I were interested in Shawn in any way, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t even get in the game, he must have thousands of girls waiting for him in line. We are not really on the same page.

“Oh, come on. You guys knew each other in high school, you have a past, that connection must mean something!”

“He was an ass to me!” I blurt it out making her eyebrows raise.

“He was? What did he do?”

“It’s nothing,” I roll my eyes, but Mom gives me a demanding look. “He just didn’t seem to like me no matter what I did, he was avoiding me most of the time when I was with Dylan and also made some pretty rude comments sometimes.”

“Maybe he was into you,” Mom shrugs and I almost choke on the milk.

I start coughing like I’m about to die and my eyes start watering when I’m finally able to breathe evenly again.

“No fucking way!”

“Charlie! Language!” She hisses at me, but there is a smile hiding in her eyes. “You know, young boys tend to do it. They are mean to the girls they like.”

“Mom, it wasn’t in kindergarten, it was ninth grade or something. I think he just really didn’t like me back then and I don’t blame him.” I was annoying, thinking back at it. But hey, all teens are annoying!

“You can never know,” she sighs.

 I totally ignore the theory Mom tried to make me believe, there is absolutely no chance of the nonsense she told me, and this is what I keep telling myself as I’m on my way to the Mendes house.

“Hey!” Aaliyah greets me with a wide smile. She is now wearing some more comfortable clothes than the last two times I saw her, the grey sweats and lose white shirt must be her home wear. “Come in! My parents are out at a friend’s place, and Shawn…” she starts, but just when she is about to finish he appears on the top of the stairs.

“Is here,” he chimes in. I look up and there he is, in a pair of checked pj pants and a black shirt. Looking at it, I think Aaliyah has his shirt on, it seems like the same size.

“Hi,” I smile at him.

“Come, let’s sit.” I follow Aaliyah into the living room and we sit down to the couch next to their Christmas tree. From the corner of my eyes I see Shawn going into the kitchen and for a moment I’m actually disappointed he is not coming with us.

“So. I want to surprise Eric with cooking for him, but I have no idea what. I tried to find out what’s his favorite, but he says it’s his favorite to everything!” she growls frustrated. I shake my head laughing.

“That’s typical.”

“Yeah. So do you have anything in mind?”

“Well, he really like tiramisu. He can eat tons of it, all the time. That’s good for dessert,” I offer. Aaliyah has her phone in her hands and she is typing everything I say down.

“Okay, got it.”

“Um, he likes gazpacho. He thinks it sounds fancy and you know, he likes everything with ketchup, so a soup that tastes like tomato was made for him.”

“Oh yeah, he pours so much ketchup into his sandwiches, it’s crazy,” she rolls her eyes jokingly. “Okay, so gazpacho. Anything else?”

“Um…” I try to think about the times we went to restaurants and Eric got really excited over the food. “Oh, we were once at a place and he ordered grilled mushrooms and he couldn’t stop moaning, it was very embarrassing, but I guess this meant he really liked it.”

“Grilled mushrooms, perfect,” she nods to herself noting everything down. “Do you mind helping me pick out his gift too? I have a few ideas, I want to go into the city and buy it tomorrow, I already looked up some jumpers online, but I can’t really decide.”

“Sure, show me!”

We spend the next thirty minutes scrolling through everything she had saved as a possible gift. She found some really nice ones, her taste is fantastic. As the time is passing I’m starting to feel like I’m with a friend and not with my brother’s girlfriend and I’m just hoping Eric will keep her around for a long time.

She asks me to stay a little bit longer so she can show me the awkward photos she has taken of Erik since they’ve been dating, but she gets a call and excuses herself quickly. I stay there in the living room, looking around a bit, I haven’t really had the chance yesterday, I was too occupied with the situation.

Shawn walks in, this time he has a headband on, keeping his locks back from his face.

Damn, Maddi is right. He is hot.

I shake my head at the thoughts and try to look as casual as possible.

“How is the birthday planning going?” he asks plopping down on the couch next to me.

“Good, Aaliyah basically had everything right, I just had to choose the best options.”

“How crazy is that our younger siblings are dating? I mean, I was thinking about it yesterday, the last time I saw Eric, he was about twelve or something. No wonder why I didn’t recognize him when I met him,” he chuckles and I nod agreeing. Aaliyah changed a lot in the past years too.

“Yeah. Strange that they are not babies anymore. I mean, I’m still mad that Eric is taller than me.”

“Oh I remember how you always wanted to get taller!”

“You remember?” I ask surprised. I used to never stop talking about my height, later I accepted my fate.

“Yeah, I remember once you told Dylan how you want to wear the highest heels to the dance so you two can be the same height.”

I laugh at the memory. I remember it too, it was quite early in our relationship and Dylan asked me out for the Halloween dance. I wanted to look taller and told Dylan I would wear heels. Of course, I ditched the plan as I found out how uncomfortable they are and ended up wearing my Converse.

“And at the end I looked like a punk princess with my Converse and mini skirt,” I scoff at the thought of my outfit for that night.

“I think you looked pretty,” Shawn says and I look at him. I catch his small smile before he shakes his head clearing his throat. What the Hell? “High school feels so far away, right?” he quickly says.

“Um, well for you I guess, for me… not really,” I chuckle shaking my head. “Your life got turned upside down, but not much has happened to me since then.”

“What? I don’t believe you. I’m sure you’ve been having plenty of fun. Parties, dates and everything.”

I can’t help, a sad smile plasters across my face. He can’t be more wrong.

“Not really… I had some rough years after Dylan and I split.”

“Can I ask what happened? I mean, after the split,” he shyly asks.

“Well, since I was a dumb naïve little girl, I needed an entire year before I could even think about getting to know other guys. Now it all just seems like the biggest bullshit. I shouldn’t have cared that much. And I’m not a fan of partying, I only go out on birthdays and maybe New Year’s Eve,” I shrug. Maddi has been trying to boost me up a bit, she attempts to drag me out every month or so, but I’m really not that kind of type. I thought I was, when I was with Dylan, he was a popular guy, I kept going to these lame parties with him in the last year of our relationship, but I never really enjoyed them. Shawn was long gone by then.

“I’m sorry Dylan played you so bad.”

“It’s fine, I mean, not your fault,” I chuckle. “But what happened to you and him?”

He sighs scratching the back of his neck.

“Not sure, I guess we grew apart and I realized that he is an ass. When I became a private student we kept in touch, but I met new people and I saw how different a friendship can be, so… I cut him off, I guess.”

“Did you guys fight?”

“Not really,” he shakes his head. “Well, we had one last very awkward phone call when I was in Atlanta, if I remember right. It was forced and… just awkward, really,” he chuckles shaking his head.

“And your life has been better since Dylan is out of it, right?” I grin at him.

“Yeah, you must know about it.”

I laugh nodding. I know everything about it!

Before I could even think about what I’m saying, my mouth just opens and the words roll down.

“The only good thing I got from my relationship with Dylan is that I know you now.”

My eyes widen and I wish I could take it back.

“I- uh I mean…”

I don’t even know why I’m so nervous suddenly, I didn’t even tell much. But for some reason, I can feel myself blushing.

“I meant that he basically ruined my senior year and I needed so much time to get myself over him, but at least now we can talk like, normal people,” I quickly add somehow saving the situation.

“What do you mean he ruined your senior year?” he asks with furrowed eyebrows and I’m happy he didn’t get caught up on what I said before that.

“Well, he successfully made me push all my friends away, leaving me totally alone when we broke up.”

“Wait, what? How about that friend of yours, um… I don’t remember her name, you always sat together at lunch.”

“Rochelle. Oh Dylan played us dirty. He told me Rochelle keeps hitting on him and being my dumb naïve self I believed him and not her. We had this huge fight and I called her a bitch. No wonder why she didn’t care about me when I was alone in the last couple of months of senior year.”

“Ouch, that sounds horrible. I’m sorry he did that.”

“Why did we even like Dylan in the first place?” I ask laughing to myself. It still bothers me how blind I was, I wish I could just shake myself.

“I have no idea!” He sighs rolling his eyes. “I’m sorry your senior year got fucked up, I wish I could be there to have lunch with you.”

I turn to him and swear to God he is blushing! And it is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. I feel the urge to touch him, anywhere, to take his hand in mine, but I stop myself.

“That’s… nice. Thank you,” I whisper touched.

As I’m staring at him I realize this is probably the closest I’ve ever been to him. I wonder how many girls want to be in my position, they see the popstar, the heartthrob from the stage, while all I see is the guy who used to be mean to me in high school but now we are friendlier than ever. I could never see him as a celebrity.

“Okay, so I found some- Oh am I bothering?” Aaliyah walks into the room with her phone in her hands and she is giving me a knowing look. I quickly clear my throat turning away from Shawn.

“No, you girls just… do your thing. I have to make a few calls.”

Shawn jumps up from the couch patting his sister’s shoulder before walking out of the room. Aaliyah takes his place, still grinning.

“What?” I ask her playing dumb.

“You guys… I felt the sparkle,” she says wiggling her eyebrows.

“What sparkle? Aaliyah, you see everything in pink because of my brother.”

“Oh stop, don’t tell me you don’t like him.”

“I don’t know him,” I say truthfully. “The last time I saw him I was dating a douche and he was also being a douche to me. I can’t tell if I like him, because I don’t know his new self.”

“But you seem to get along with him pretty well and I’m sure you are attracted to him.”

“I’m not talking about this with you, you are his sister!” I gasp feeling myself blushing again.

“Whatever. But I think you two would look cute together.”

I refuse to carry on with the conversation about me and Shawn and Aaliyah fortunately doesn’t force it on me. I leave the Mendes house around five, Aaliyah thanks me the help and I can’t help but feel disappointed I don’t see Shawn anywhere when I’m leaving. Aaliyah’s speech about me and Shawn is slowly getting to me.

By dinner, all my thoughts are racing around him and soon I find myself stalking his social media profiles. I knew he is very famous, but seeing the numbers on his pages makes me gasp. Millions of people are following him, waiting for him to post anything. The last photo he uploaded to his Instagram is with his family, Karen and Manny are smiling proudly into the camera while Shawn and Aaliyah are messing around next to them. Before I could realize what I’m doing I double tap the picture liking it.

“Oh shit,” I suck my breath in. I hesitate, but then I realize how dumb this is. He must be getting millions of notes every minute, he won’t see this.

Gaining some confidence from this, I decide to follow him and continue my stalking session. I’m a few months deep into his profile when I get a notification. Opening the tab my eyes widen.

shawnmendes followed charlieprkr

I guess I was wrong about the notification getting lost. A moment later I see that he has liked two of my photos.

One was taken on a family vacation. Eric and I are posing at the beach, I have a red swimsuit on and the wind is blowing my wavy blonde hair that was so much lighter back than from all the sunshine. The other one is a picture Maddie took of me last month. I’m sitting in our armchair with a mug of tea in my hands, smiling shyly at the camera. We had Christmas lights in the window and the lights made me look colorful in the photo.

I’m just about to put the phone down and go to bed when I get a dm. I’m not surprised to see Shawn’s username, but I definitely get excited.

shawnmendes I’m happy I’m not the first one to accidentally like your photo, though I was minutes away from that haha

I smile at the message rolling my eyes.

charlieprkr Ha. Ha. I was hoping I can easily hide in the millions of your followers.

shawnmendes You could have, if only I weren’t stalking your profile as well. Fate?

charlieprkr I guess.

My fingers linger across the keyboard, trying to think of something else to write and keep the conversation up, but nothing comes to my mind. I almost give up when I get another message from him.

shawnmendes I’m in a nostalgic mood, I want to have a walk in the neighborhood, around our school tomorrow. Would you like to join me?

My smile grows wider than ever reading his lines.

charlieprkr Totally.

shawnmendes Great! Sometime around 4 pm?

charlieprkr Perfect. Where?

shawnmendes I’ll meet you at your house and we’ll go from there.

charlieprkr Then see you tomorrow!

shawnmendes Yeah, good night Charlie.

[trans-son-of-perdition]

Why I relate the Trench album to my own personal life and struggles.

A couple things before I begin. I am aware the true meaning of this album relates to Tyler Josephs career and struggles with mental health. However, art is subjective. It’s meant to be interpreted however you want. I’m not trying to invalidate his experiences, this is just how the album helped me and how I related to it in a way that made it important to my life and my coping with realizations I had around the time Trench was being teased and released. This post is not meant to attack a specific faith, however given my own opinions and viewpoints this post could be uncomfortable for current believing members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. If you are uncomfortable with exmormon viewpoints, this might not be the post for you, and I would like it if you didn’t try to force your views onto me as a result of this post. I will also give warnings for abuse mentions, cult mentions, mentions of suicidal thoughts, and mentions of transphobia. 

In this post, I’ll go through each song in the album and explain what it relates to in my life. I’ll also go into the lore of Trench and how I relate to the Clancy letters, as well as explaining why my icon and blog banner are what they are.

If you have not heard this album, I recommend it entirely. And even if you have, I recommend listening along to this post. You do not need to be a fan of Twenty One Pilots or the album to read this, however, and you do not need to understand the deeper lore or know about the Clancy letters to read this post.

With that being said, this will be a long post, so I’ll put the rest under a read more. 

Let me begin by briefly introducing myself. I am a 22, nearly 23 year old Exmormon who was born and raised in the church near the heart of Salt Lake City, Utah. I was a devout member of this church until I was 15, which was when little things started to not make sense anymore. This was when I was shown that it was okay to feel differently about my gender and sexuality, when I started to realize there were words to describe why I felt so weird about the concept of being a girl, etc. In a lot of ways, 15 was when my faith started slipping. There are journal entries from then where I’m crying about how I didnt want to feel the way I did, it was kind of the usual young mormon kid has a crisis over their sexuality and gender and tries to pray about it over and over but nothing changes. I even had a moment at 17 where I found a place to hide where my family wouldnt hear me and prayed for about an hour because I was questioning if the church even was true. I got no answer to this.

By the time I was 18, I no longer attended church. I still called myself mormon, and was actually kind of an apologist for years. It was only early last year that I started realizing something didn’t seem right, which was what led to a very long beliefs crisis and eventually me formally resigning from the church. It was also the year that repressed memories finally started to surface, and the true extent to which I had been abused and neglected started to show. Near the end of 2018, one of my best friends helped me escape Utah and get far away from my family, and currently I am living happily in Arizona far from the church’s influence.

Now enter the Trench album.

Instantly, when the Jumpsuit video was first released, something felt comforting about it. And every song since has been extremely comforting to me because of how I have related it to my life. Here is how each song ((and even the videos and extra lore)) have helped me and have related to my life as a secret exmormon who felt trapped in Utah.

Jumpsuit

This song actually came out just as I was questioning the church and realizing some things that were very long. With every little thing I found that was wrong, it was like my life crumbled a little more. I’ll admit, the “spirits in my room” lines I took much more literally, having lived in a very haunted house in a very haunted part of Utah, but the lines “Felt it in my youth, feel it when I’m old” also felt like a reassurance to me that the doubts and feelings I had in highschool when I was just beginning to question myself and my life were valid. Like they weren’t just a passing phase, this was something that had been going on my whole life. And then we have the bridge. 

I'll be right there But you'll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air If you need anyone, I'll stop my plans But you'll have to tie me down and then break both my hands If you need anyone

My life up to this point had been manipulated by those around me. My parents controlled my actions, I sat there and let them abuse and disrespect me. If any of them needed anything, I jumped to help. This had spread into my other relationships as I felt the need to be there for everyone, be the personal therapist to everyone, try to fix the emotions and problems of everyone I knew because my family had made me think thats what I needed to do. Like in the video, I was very much stuck under the spell of the “smearing” of the bishops. My family knew how to manipulate my emotions into feeling like I was in the wrong, like I inevitably had to love them and follow them no matter what. Which was why the “Cover me!” screamed at the end makes my heart beat faster. In his “Cover me!” I felt my heart scream it too. I couldn’t out loud, because my family would have yelled at me and made my life hell, but I could scream inwardly with him. I could feel myself running from the bishops with him. That song felt more joyous, more releasing, and more moving to me than an LDS Hymn had in years. Even as I’m writing this, the “Cover me!” makes me feel deep and strong emotions that at one point I would have called “the spirit” or “the holy ghost” and its stronger than any feeling I attributed to those things from talks or lessons in the church.

Levitate 

This song actually gave me courage to be more openly myself again. To stand up for myself and look for other options. To admit that the way my life had been was fucked up and that there were better things out there. The line referencing Car Radio was cool to me, because Car Radio was a big song for my depression and dysphoria. I wont go into it too far, since I’m focusing on Trench music, but I’ve always taken Car Radio as a good way to describe how I felt about my life, the world, and my own dysphoria and struggles with suicidal thoughts. And so having this song tied to rebellion against how my life had always been reference another song that had helped me with coping was so encouraging to me and honestly really cool!

This culture is a poacher of overexposure, not today Don't feed me to the vultures, I am a vulture who feeds on pain.  

I mean. Come on. I lived in Utah. Utah culture is oversaturated in the church. Its in the politics, in the laws, in the tv shows and on the radio. There’s a ward building everywhere you go. You cant do anything without seeing it somewhere, at least not in big cities ((or at least not living as close to downtown Salt Lake City as I did.)) Admitting to being exmormon while there felt like I was risking being separated from the rest of society. While this isn’t entirely true, I grew up seeing how my family treated exmos. The way they treated them like poor misguided souls that would eventually have their “sins come crashing down on them and turn their hearts back to the church”. 

The next few lines are kinda self explanatory. “Sleep in a well-lit room, don't let the shadow through,” both refers to the whole “haunted house” thing I mentioned ((a story I wont go into here tbh)) as well as me using my room as the one place I could hide and be more myself, discuss the things I believed and thought. “And sever all I knew, yeah, sever all I thought” has to do with the slow realizations of the lies I had been taught by the church my whole life. The next few lines refer to what sounds like him asking for help to keep away from the ledges, which both feels like my reaching out to online friends for support both to reassure me that I wasn’t crazy as well as their help in keeping me away from my increasing suicidal thoughts.

The video actually felt like my chosen family in general, them getting me away from these ideas and worries I had had burned into my brain at a young age, pulling me out of this DEMA and into their Trench, where we all could support each other and help each other realize that the false things of our past didnt have to shape our futures for us. And much like Tyler, I was still struggling with my parents pulling me back in by tugging at my emotions, making me feel guilty for my rebellion.

Morph

Lets be honest, in order to explain this one I need to post the whole song. It feels like a mixture of my beliefs crisis and dealing with an abusive and transphobic family, to be honest. 

Can't stop thinking about if and when I die For now I see that "if" and "when" are truly different cries For "if" is purely panic and "when" is solemn sorrow And one invades today while the other spies tomorrow We're surrounded and we're hounded There's no "above", or "under", or "around" it For "above" is blind belief and "under" is sword to sleeve And "around" is scientific miracle, let's pick "above" and see For if and when we go "above", the question still remains Are we still in love and is it possible we feel the same? And that's when going "under" starts to take my wonder But until that time, I'll try to sing this

Here we have my crisis, where I was doubting my own doubts and wondering if I was wrong and truly destined to end up in a lower kingdom away from my family and if I was sinning. It led to a fear of death, a fear of the end of the world, a fear of anything related to it because what if the mormons were right? Honestly, this is an ongoing thing that causes panic attacks to this day, and this song is where I turn to when these doubts happen.

If I keep moving, they won't know I'll morph to someone else What they throw at me's too slow I'll morph to someone else I'm just a ghost I'll morph to someone else Defense mechanism mode

A lot of people in the transgender community have brought up that this is a really relateable few lines. I’d like to add on top of it being about my gender, it also can relate to how I spent years pretending to be someone else in front of a lot of people ((and still am to some extent, I’m working on that.)) in order to keep myself safe.

He'll always try to stop me, that Nicholas Bourbaki He's got no friends close but those who know him most know He goes by Nico, he told me I'm a copy When I'd hear him mock me that's almost stopped me

This part I actually relate to my younger brother, who is almost violently abusive towards me and who I have had not only threaten harm to me, but have had mock me and tell me that nobody truly cared about or loved me, along with much worse things that were so intense and awful that when my sister ((the only family member I truly trust)) heard it and told our parents what happened, they were legitimately worried about me knowing about my suicidal thoughts and were bugging me the entire time I was at work and while I walked home to make sure I was safe and okay. My brother is a horrible person, and I honestly am afraid for whoever ends up marrying him based on his treatment of everyone else in our family. My sister and I have even shared our concerns with each other that he could one day lash out and hurt/kill one of us. Hes one of the biggest reasons I and her hurried to leave the state as fast as we could.

Well we're surrounded and we're hounded There's no above or a secret door What are we here for? If not to run straight through all our tormentors? But until that time I'll try and sing this

This again relates to my family, along with the opinions of the church towards transgender and gay people. I don’t think I need to go into what the LDS church thinks of us. 

The final part of the song, to me at least, feels like the loneliness of my situation, and wanting someone to be open with in real life that would understand where I was coming from. It also is about my reaching out online when I couldn’t find support in person.

My Blood

I actually don’t need to go into this too deeply. My whole chosen family relates to this song, and so hearing it reminds me of them. This song is how we are to each other and how we feel about each other. Pretty straightforward. Especially since this song likely is about Tyler’s brother, so the fact we all consider each other brothers and sisters works with this.

Chlorine 

Another straightforward one. It kinda feels like I’m singing this to the people of my past. My family especially, but also the friends that were part of why I hid so much about myself. They were toxic, but I made myself stay near them out of love. And as I “decayed”, the feeling of rebellion started to grow more until I found myself running for my life away from them all. 

I'm so sorry, I forgot you Let me catch you up to speed I've been tested like the ends of A weathered flag that's by the sea Can you build my house with pieces? I'm just a chemical 

This final part is more towards myself, however. How I forgot the true me, how I’ve been broken and hurt by these people, and how I need to finally build my life up again away from them all.

Smithereens

Another one that makes me think of my chosen family, and makes me think of my best friend who helped me escape Utah. I’m not a violent person, I actually consider myself a pacifist. But if someone threatened my loved ones I’d do everything I could to stop them.

Neon Gravestones

Yeah, I had to get to this one eventually. This song hit me hard the first time I heard it. If you haven’t heard any songs from this album at all, THIS IS THE ONE YOU SHOULD HEAR. It speaks very bluntly about how fucked up the media’s portrayal of suicide is, among other issues around that theme. Its beautiful in my opinion. 

Obviously yes, as someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts, this song obviously does resonate with me. But this is where I’ll go into the deeper lore for a moment.

In the world of Trench it’s been mentioned that the Neon Gravestones are one of the big symbols of Vialism- the religion in DEMA that is a religion that worships false light. In Vialism, those who have died in the name of Vialism are revered, respected, and glorified. Now look at the church. How many people have had their hardships and deaths be romanticized by the church? How often have I heard people say that if you die in the name of the church, you will be exalted? How many LGBTQ+ youth in Utah have killed themselves because they think that its better to die before they have sinned? How often growing up has the “Martyrdom” of Joseph Smith been romanticized and used to show how committed to the church he was? For hell’s sake there’s a song WRITTEN ABOUT HIM saying that he now will be glorified for eternity because he died for the church! He’s held with more respect than even Jesus in the church! I could go on for hours about how I feel about the way the church treats death and how fucked up it is that there have even been cases you can find online where people have been told it would be better that they killed themselves than be gay or be an apostate. I’ll get more into the Neon Gravestones symbolism later when I reach the Clancy letters. 

The Hype

Yet another song about reaching out for support and community as I was realizing the truth about the church. I also had a huge falling out with a close friend around the time the album released, so having this song to cope with it helped too. It feels like the acceptance of the fact I was slowly getting out of brainwashing and programming I’d had since I was an infant, and though I didn’t know where I was going in life anymore, I knew that I would have the people I trusted there with me every step of the way as I became a normal member of society and began a new, better life. 

A lot of songs in this album seem to be very chosen family oriented. This one just feels like a reminder to myself that I’ll be okay.

Nico and the Niners

This one is a little obvious. But i’ll go through it regardless. 

East is up, I'm fearless when I hear this on the low East is up, I'm careless when I wear my rebel clothes East is up, when Bishops come together they will know that Dema don't control us, Dema don't control East is up

This song was released at the same time as Jumpsuit, and honestly some of the same things apply. I realized how much this really fit my life at the time as I was working on getting out. How the literal bishops and leaders of the church as well as the figurative “bishops” of my life were who I was rebelling against. DEMA is a something I have actively called Utah ((mostly Salt Lake City and all other areas in the main valley)) before, for reasons from it literally being a city surrounded in huge walls((both the mountains as well as figurative walls)) that circled around a main central part ((Temple square)) where the bishops resided and performed rituals in the name of Vialism. The next lines mention that they, the bishops, want you to make you forget. They want you to be docile. To conform to them. Follow their rules and laws and teachings without questioning. Ignore and forget the things they don’t say in the moment are truth. In the video, Tyler is seen quietly preparing to escape, hiding in his room as yet another ritual is performed elsewhere in the city. He sneaks out of his dark room, where he meets the Banditos. He seems hesitant and scared at first, but they calm him down and welcome him.

What I say when I want to be enough What a beautiful day for making a break for it We'll find a way to pay for it Maybe from all the money we made, razorblade stores Rent a race horse and force a sponsor And start a concert, a complete diversion Start a mob and you can be quite certain We'll win but not everyone will get out

During this part, Tyler is loudly rebelling in the center of a courtyard, where all the people hiding and silently judging the Banditos from their windows can see and hear them. He sings about escaping and finding ways to prepare to run away, escaping the walls of DEMA and the watchful eyes of the bishops and those devoted to them. It’s after this that his friends, the Banditos, help him escape into the night from DEMA before he can be caught by the bishops, but leaving a trace behind to hopefully inspire the children still growing up and learning inside DEMA.

I compare my chosen family to the Banditos a lot, something that will become clear when we get to a song later on. My open rebellion, being myself and leaving the church, leaving Utah and the judgmental eyes of those still devoted to the church and their teachings... This is what the song is to me. I’ll win, I’ll escape, I will do what I can to inspire my younger brothers and sister to follow me out when they can. I’ll do what I can to help anyone still stuck in their DEMA, but in the end I had to leave. I had to listen to my chosen family and run. I had to get out of those walls before the metaphorical bishops of my life, my family, dragged me back down again into them and broke me further. In that way, Nico and the Niners is both the presidency of the church, but its also my parents. 

Cut my Lip

This one actually speaks to how I used to be, letting myself be abused and mistreated. The cycle of trying to escape but being dragged back in. Knowing I was being hurt but letting my programming and the thought that I had to love my family no matter what hurt me over and over. But though I’m bruised, I’ll keep moving.

Bandito

This is the big chosen family song. We have called ourselves Banditos a lot. I personally consider myself a Bandito. 

This is the sound we make When in between two places Where we used to bleed And where our blood needs to be

We are all in Trench right now, to various extents. I am mostly out of my DEMA, having physically left it but still dealing with the mental battles and the pulls from the “bishops” to return. Other members of my chosen family are dealing with abuse, neglect, trauma, mental illnesses, isolation, etc. We all have our own DEMA to escape, and we all do what we can to pull each other back into Trench and support each other as a family. 

In city, I feel my spirit is contained Like neon inside the glass, they form my brain

In Utah I felt trapped. Confined by what I could and could not say around my family because I was afraid of what would happen if they knew some of the things about me. About my opinions of the church. I had realized my brain had been manipulated and formed into what the church wanted, and I was starting to break free of it.

But I recently discovered it's a heatless fire Like nicknames they give themselves to uninspire

The opinions of my family and the church have begun to feel less important and the thought of rebelling against this has become easier and I have become more confidant in my beliefs. 

Begin with bullet, now add fire to the proof But I'm still not sure if fear's a rival or close relative to truth Either way it helps to hear these words bounce off of you The softest echo could be enough for me to make it through

I’m still afraid though, and I still have doubts pop up. And until I can fully break free of the brainwashing I was subject to for 21 years of my life, I’ll still have those doubts and fears. But hearing my chosen family reassure me and validate those feelings I have about the church helps me get past it and grow as a person.

As far as Sahlo Folina? We use it in my chosen family. When we see each other say it, we hurry to support each other and pull each other back from the personal bishops we have. For those who don’t know, Sahlo Folina in the lore is the call the Banditos cry out when they are stuck alone in Trench and need help. It doesn’t have a canon meaning otherwise, but many people have given it the meaning of the joy or act of creating. And my chosen family and I use this phrase to warn each other of panic attacks, or of dysphoria, or of a moment when we just need a little validation. This song is so important to us, and is one of the most beautiful songs on the album in my opinion. If you haven’t heard it, take a look at imabandi.to, its an interactive music video for the song that explains some of the deeper lore of Trench and is in general visually stunning.

Pet Cheetah

Honestly this is really just a bop, but its good for when I feel angry. Not just even at the church, in general its a good anger song because of how intense it feels. It also speaks to the isolation I felt, how I tried to calm myself down from my doubts for the longest time. It helps that the song kinda has a “Fuck it” moment halfway through.

I'm done with tip-toeing, I'll stay in my room My house is the one where the vultures are perched on the roof

The song then expresses the fear of losing everything, but its too late now. The anxiety is raising again, but I’ll do what I can to relax and keep going. 

Legend

This song actually makes me cry, because it reminds me of my grandparents. They were the two I was closer to than my own parents, and I was destroyed by their deaths. Even though I still feel them with me, I deeply miss them and I was scared for so long that I would never be able see them again because according to the church, I would have not been allowed to be near them again for eternity. “I look forward to having lunch with you again.” is the line that has made me break down crying before, because I know that no matter what happens, it’ll be okay. I wont go into my current beliefs here, but I know that my grandparents love me and that no matter what I’ll still get to see them again one day. 

Leave the City

And now that i’m crying from legend, let me personally sob for a moment about Leave the City, because this song is what I played as I finally left Utah. On my main blog, the title comes from this song. 

I'm tired Of tending to this fire I've used up all I've collected I have singed my hands It's glowing Embers barely showing Proof of life in the shadows Dancing on my plans  They know that it's almost They know that it's almost over 

This song expresses how I felt from my depression, the doubts, the abuse, the ongoing crisis as I realized more and more how much I had been lied to. I was being reassured by my chosen family and my other friends that it would be alright, that I’d get away and life would be better. Now that I’ve been out of that state for several months I can say they were 100% right, but while in the moment I was drained and tired and just wanted to be free. And the knowledge that one day I would leave was what kept me going and kept me alive.

But this year Though I'm far from home In TRENCH I'm not alone These faces facing me They know What I mean

Again, this feels like my chosen family, my Banditos. My real family, the people I trust most. The know who I am. They know where i’m coming from. And though I’m far from my end goals in life, and I’m still here in Trench, I am not alone. I have them with me, and for now that is what matters. 

Now, onto the lore and Clancy letters. Because honestly my relating to this doesn’t just stop at the music.

The following are quotes from the many “Clancy letters” that have come out sine the album was being teased.

Note 1:

As a child, I looked upon Dema with wonder, today, I am wrought with frustration, as I spend each day squinting for a glimpse of the top of the looming wall that has kept us here. It was upon my ninth year that I learned that Dema wasn’t my home. This village, after all of this time, was my trap. 

Before I became realized, I had deep affection for Dema. There was a wonderful structure to the city that put my cares to rest. Streets and locations were dependable, and the responsibilities of the day seemed to be accomplished with minimal effort. Once a task was taught and understood, we delighted in our ability to complete our obligations timely, and felt secure in knowing tomorrow's duties would be accomplished with the same efficiency. We all worked to represent our bishop with honor, and knew that each inhabitant of our region had a like-minded dedication to consistency.

Note 2:

To refer to Dema as my home has never felt accurate. Dema, to me, has simply been the place that I’ve existed, or, the 'slot' they've put me in. I've heard stories about the idea of "home," and its depiction has always seemed warm from the storyteller's description. There was a romantic ownership of the place they inhabited that I admired, but could never relate to.

Note 3:

Am I the only one who realizes that we've been lied to? Am I the only one not afraid of the notion that the nine have hijacked our trust, and extinguished the hope that once motivated our existence? We used to close our eyes and picture a better life, now this city is full of dry eyes caught in a trance of obedience, devoid of any trace of an identity.......My hope of something more is all I have in this rigid tomb, and I will not let it die.

I wanted to quote the fifth note, but the whole thing feels relatable to me as someone who left Utah. So here is the full letter:

I've made it out. I feel weightless. I know that place had always held me down, but for the first time, I can feel the unity that I had hoped for. It's been three nights now, and my breathing has changed - it's slower, and more full. It's like the air out here is actually worth taking in. I can see it back in the distance, and I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't constantly on my mind. I wish I could turn that fear off, but maybe the further I go, the less that fear will affect me. I feel betrayed by what I assumed was home. If I ever end up back there, I won't be able to look at it the same way. They are asleep. They're so sure that they know the truth, and carry on throughout their day with the same meaningless tasks. They've forgotten to look up, and to look outward, to understand that this isn't about 'in there.' This is about 'out here.' This new world surrounds me. I used to think the walls back home were massive- these green cliffs engulf me, and place me right in the middle- Trench is quite precarious at times, and it's easy to grow weary. But it's real, and it's true, and I'd much rather endure reality than to mindlessly be obedient to a life that someone else created for me. I've obsessed about this world for so long, that it feels more like home than anything I've experienced. Somehow, in this vast openness, I feel more protected than ever. The landscape feels endless, and I've found myself walking for hours without any true evidence of getting further down. But I've seen plants and colors out here that I'm not sure I've witnessed before. There's a beauty in the strangest places,- and the curiosity of what's next continues to motivate me. I wonder who else is out here. If what i assumed inside is true, there's got to be more like me. Sometimes I'll feel a presence, only to look up and see nothing. It's just another thing that I'm afraid of that also excites me. It all just confirms all of the things that I hoped to be true for all of this time. I am out here and I am very alive. I'm sometimes scared, but always discovering something new, and I will not stop. Cover me!

I’m not going to go into why these relate, it should be clear from my explanations of the songs why I can relate to these letters. If you are exmormon yourself, you might understand already anyway. 

Now finally, I’ll go into the letters in the site that I mentioned earlier, imabandi.to. These are actually where my blog icon and banner come from.

Remember when I explained Vialism? One of the notes goes further into it. 

The text reads “The necropolis glorifies the early graves of those who lost themselves along the way. Let us overthrow this concept as a symbol of dedication to and celebration of life.” and is accompanied by a caption that reads: 

STEADFAST IN OUR REBELLION AGAINST THE TEACHINGS OF VIALISM, WE TURN THEIR FALSE DOCTRINE UPON ITS HEAD. PROTECTED MORE THAN EVER, THE DOUBLE BARS ARE A SYMBOL OF LIFE AND HOPE. 

Overturning the symbol of false doctrine in order to celebrate the concept of life and being alive. This is what I want to do. Life should be enjoyed and celebrated and not controlled and given up for false teachings.

The icon for this blog is the Vulture symbol of the banditos. It comes from this note:

It reads: “The fear and pain shall not be elements that stop us, but what feeds us to persevere. The vultures above are our symbol of turning death to life.” And its caption reads:

WE ARE VULTURES. THE VULTURE SEES BOTH WORLDS, DEVOURING DEATH. A SYMBOL OF OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO TURN DEATH INTO LIFE. MAY WE LEARN FROM WHAT WE'VE LOST, AND COMMIT TO LIVING.

So another symbol of committing to being alive and to life itself. It is to me a symbol of rebellion against the things I was taught and becoming my own, free person.

Finally, the banner I use on my blog. 

This one I have compared to being an apostate. The caption reads: 

THOSE WHO SEE CORRUPTION INSIDE THE LIES OF DEMA FEEL A RESPONSIBILITY TO GET OUT, AND ATTEMPTED ESCAPE SHOULD BE HONORED. MANY ARE PUNISHED WITH THE FAILED PERIMETER ESCAPE BADGE, BUT WEAR IT PROUDLY. IT IS THEIR SYMBOL OF THE BANDITØ UNDERGROUND — THE FEW, THE PROUD, AND THE EMOTIONAL. 

The label apostate is used often by people in religions as a label meant to shame, but we use it proudly. There are posts I have even seen about how “Apostate” means freed slave, and how it is a thing to be proud of. Much like how the note above says: “ We shall call our label of delinquince by a new name. This is who we are, and let us never be ashamed by the penalty placed upon us by false authorities.” I’m not ashamed to call myself an apostate anymore. I feared it at one point, but now I embrace it. It is what I am. I am freed, I am openly defying and rebelling against the false teachings of my childhood. And seeing this note was what solidified me relating this album and its lore to my life entirely. In my opinion, I escaped my DEMA. I saw the outside of the walls and was helped by those around me to escape them and find true freedom beyond them, in Trench. And although it will be a long time before I am truly free from the trauma and leftover programming that happened to me while I was in the LDS church, I have those around me who will reassure me and support me and let me know that I am never alone.

Anyway. I’m finally at the end of the post. Thank you for reading this. Cover me!

[cauldronoflove]

a/n: this is a prompt fill for tht writing meme i posted but it got. a little longer than it was supposed to so heres a seperate post for it! the chars belong to my darling friend annie @dantesaristotles but she lets me throw them around sometimes and im hella grateful for each opportunity!!!

---

28. "Marry me."

It had started off as a joke, really. Way back when Kyle was trying to renew his FAFSA for sophomore year and realized the difference.

"If I asked you to marry me," he said to Hugo one night, mid financial talk. They were back in Hugo's bedroom at his parents house, pne of the rare weekends they could both afford to come home and spend time together. He was curled around him, had an arm around his waist and his cold nose in the back of his neck. His voice was joking. "Would you say yes?"

"Probably," Hugo replied. Kyle could tell his eyes were shut and his nostrils had flared in that way they did when he thought something was funny, but was too tired to laugh.

"Might need you to if my grant doesn't come through."

"It will," he murmured, already on the fringes of sleep.

☆

The next time it had happened - or rather, the next time of substance - was a few months later. He was all set up in his new dorm room - housing indeed paid for by that very grant that had sparked the whole running joke - and it was Hugo's turn to make the trip from his college to Kyle's, instead of the other way around.

"Hey, babe," he said, spinning away from his desk to look over at Hugo, who was sprawled across his XL Twin bed with his phone held above his face to dutifully stay silent while Kyle wrote the conclusion to his essay.

"You done?"

"Nah, not yet."

"What's up?"

"If I asked you to marry me, would you say yes?"

"Why this time?"

Kyle took the rebuff in stride, having already had a genuine answer. "You know that movie with Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence? The one they always played on ABC Family?"

"Hold on-" Hugo said as he sat up quickly, his curls bouncing around his head. "This is a My Fake Fiancé scenario?"

"Listen," Kyle started back in, his hands coming up in front of him. "It could work. Also, I saw this immersion blender the other day and like-"

With an amused, terribly fond scrunch to his nose, Hugo proclaimed, "You're such a fucking dork."

☆

The third of great substance, because there'd been so many little ones that anyone would lose count, was far less happy than any of the rest.

Existential crises, Kyle had said over text, are one hell of a drug.

Hugo had promptly replied with ??? and it went on from there.

kyle: i just. i dont know this asshole thts probably named fucking thad or something equally as dumb said some dumb shit to me after class today? and i cant get it out of my head

hugo: hey whatever he said, its not true- do you want me to call you?

kyle: i dont know if i can rlly keep it together rn babe

hugo: are you crying?

kyle: like. 10% its no biggie

hugo: honey :(

kyle: if i asked you to marry me would you say yes

hugo: in a heartbeat

It was the closest thing Kyle had ever gotten to yes.

☆

It wasn't the last time, not by far, but it was the end of an era, the beginning of a new one.

They were graduated, post college by six months a piece, living together in a shitty apartment that they loved in the way cat people loved their cats, as in: "this is our apartment, her name is Asshole, she's a holy terror but we love her and you can't tell us shit about her."

Kyle was still in bed because it was Sunday and he didn't have a shift and fuck getting out of bed before noon, y'know?

But Hugo was standing at the dresser in nothing but long plaid PJ pants that obviously belonged to Kyle. He was rifling through his sock drawer, muttering to himself.

Kyle traced the freckles on his back, a lazy smile on his face, leisirely pace to his movements. Hugo was bathed in buttery sunlight, and Kyle loved him.

"Hey," he called, voice still thick and marred with sleep. "Hey, Hugs."

Hugo scoffed the same way he had since they were eighteen at the nickname. "What is it?"

"If I asked you to marry me," he said patiently. "Would you say yes?"

It took Hugo a long minute to turn around, and when he did, his face was one of exasperated anguish. "You had to ask that right now? You couldn't have waited two minutes?"

Kyle's face scrunched up, having never gotten a response like that, he was sufficiently taken aback.

"What? Why?"

"Because," Hugo bemoaned, dropping his knees onto the mattress and shimmying over. "It makes it sound so much less original when I do my thing."

Kyle quirked a brow, until Hugo raised his clenched hand up to reveal a plain little black velvet box.

"If I asked you to marry me," he said, holding the box out between them. "Would you say yes?"

Smartly, Kyle replied, "I'm sorry, what?"

"Marry me," he repeated, popping the lid on the ring box to show a simple silver band that if you inspected closely, had an inscription on the inside.

"Oh. I, yeah, oh." His brain wasn't firing all cylinders, the cogs were gumming up, he'd planned everything so perfectly, and yet Hugo had still beat him to it-

"Kyle?"

Quickly, Kyle fumbled at his pillow, shoving his hand into the pillowcase, and unzipping the zipper on the actual pillow - allergen shield, baby. He rooted around againt the actual pillow before finally extracting his own box.

"Are you seriously trying to steal my proposal right now?"

"Are you complaining?"

There were tears brimming in Hugo's eyes as he said, "No, you dumbass- how long has that been in there?"

"Forever. I knew I could leave it there 'cause you never make the bed," Kyle said with a wet laugh, hand coming up to smudge his own tears.

"Jesus, Kyle."

"I think someone has to say yes or we're just gonna be in stalemate forever."

"I proposed first, you have to say it first. Technically, you didn't even propose, so really-"

"Yeah, of course I'll marry you."

"I'll marry you too."

☆

Kyle had to resist the urge to tug nervously at his cufflinks as he recited his vows.

"I used to ask you, all the time, if I were to ask you to marry me, would you say yes. And it started out as a joke, but I think I realized, even when I was that dumb eighteen year old, I think I realized even then that I meant it. I love you, Hugo, and even if I didn't realize it way back in the beginning, my heart did - it's loved you from the start. So, I stand here before you, in front of our whole family, not just blood, but the one we found along the way too - whether it be Kiera, or Pheebs, Asher - for some reason - or our literal high school English teacher, the man whose class started it all for us - I stand before all of them, and I ask you one last time, in more words than ever before, if you'd like to spend the rest of your life with me, and before you give me you answer, I'll give you mine: I do."

Hugo was pushing tears away with the back of his hand, muttering something about how he'd had to get Kiera to help him with his vows, and yet he'd still blown him out of the water. But he nodded. And he recited his own vows. And on a sunny day, in the crispness of fall, Kyle Bellamy and Hugo Hansen became the Bellamy-Hansens, and they finally gave the simplest answer to the age old question, no hesitation in either of their declarations.

If I asked you to marry me would you say yes?

Yes.

[redditnosleep]

I've Been Seeing A Man In My Backyard For The Past Two Nights

by Opinionson

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 (Final)

To start I need to give some background:I am a male who lives in relatively nice neighborhood

It’s your average small town run of the mill suburbs area with not a lot of people.

I am a college kid who’s home on break while my parents have gone away which doesn’t help at all.

I have a two story house

I do not have gun nor do I have any real weapons other than kitchen knives

I am not on any medication and I have no record of schizophrenia or any other mental illnesses

I barely have any relationships with my neighbors most of whom are elderly and the rest I have minimal contact with

I do not have any people in my neighborhood (that I know of) who have reasons to attack or harm me

Now, let's get into what has been happening. About two nights ago I woke up very late in the night and I went to the bathroom to go take a shit. Now, my second story bathroom has a window that can see the entirety of my backyard. Directly behind it is a cul de sac which you can see directly into. There is a group of trees and pile of rocks and mulch that divides it. Usually I can see everything in my backroom without turning on my because lights from my neighbor's house dimly lights the room.

As I am using the toilet I look outside and I notice there is a car parked directly facing my house in the cul de sac. Now if you have ever seen a cul de sac before you would know that when you park you always either park next to the curves of the sac or the sides of the street. This car was directly facing the curve behind my house. I thought this was extremely strange considering whoever parked must have been there to visit someone, but if that were the case then why would they have not parked in one of the driveways? The people who lived behind me were both elderly so they probably didn’t have some big block party I didn’t know about, and even then only an idiot would park like that.

As I stared into the car I could distinguish a figure in the driver's seat, just sitting there. Since the lights were not on in my bathroom whoever was in the car probably couldn’t see me through that window. At this point I was determined to see just who the fuck was in there, so I went downstairs, got my binoculars from my dad’s closet, and went back to my bathroom to see who was there.

Take in mind this is 3 in the fucking morning, what person would be in their car just sitting there in the middle of the winter? As I go into my bathroom, I look outside to find...nothing. The car had since left. I thought it was relief seeing as I probably was just freaking out over nothing and the person was just leaving whoever they were visiting, but then again, what are the odds that the moment I notice the car that's the moment that the person leaves?

I finally calmed myself down and went back to sleep. The next day a mix of boredom and paranoia got the better of me; I decided it was time for some investigation. I go to my backyard cul de sac to see if there was any trace of the person who was there last night. Nothing. I go to my neighbors to see if they had anybody over the other night; maybe it would clarify just why the fuck somebody would be parked there. I asked both the owners of the 2 houses on the curves the cul de sac, all of whom said they did not have visitors. I asked for their numbers and I left.

This is when my paranoia really started to kick in. This was fucked up, I had no clue whether the person was coming back later, and I can’t call the police as they won’t respond to a complaint that isn’t even valid. I decide to wait until later to see if the person came back. I spent that night talking with my college friends about it over video chat, all of whom thought I was either making it up, or freaking out over nothing. I sign off and watch netflix until it's pretty late. The entire time I just kept thinking about looking out my window to check, but since my friends had told me I was worrying about nothing and also since I am a bit of a coward I just never checked it.

Finally the clock ticked 3:24 am, the exact time I woke up the night before. I thought fuck it, might as well check to be sure. This is where I absolutely shit myself, the same exact car was parked, and there was a man in a black hoodie and a ski mask standing right next to it just staring at my house. I immediately ran to go get my phone dialed my neighbors, none of which answered. I ran back to the window, only to see that he was standing in my fucking backyard. This was no longer a burglary attempt, because if it was he would be looking through my lower house windows trying to break in. This had to be some sort of a stalker.

I decided fuck this and opened up my window and screamed at the top of my lungs “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!”. No response. “I’M GOING TO CALL THE FUCKING POLICE GET THE FUCK OFF MY PROPERTY!” I yelled. Finally the man spoke “HAVE A NICE DAY!” in like that cheery way a cashier at the store would say when you are leaving. The man waltzed (and I literally mean waltzed like a happy cartoon character) back to his car and left.

I called the police department immediately. They asked me if I had any friends who were trying to play a prank on me, I said no. Like I said, this town was relatively small and the police did jack shit. They told me that if it happens again to call them immediately. I am shitting myself right now, it’s currently 11:00 pm, and god knows he’ll be back tonight. I am going to be looking out my window all night waiting for him. I’ll keep you all in touch if anything happens. Wish me luck.

Edit 12:24 am: I am currently staring outside looking out my window waiting for the man to come. I have informed my neighbors about his arrival and they have told me they are also on the look out. I feel extremely nervous but at least I have my neighbors helping me out. I just want this to be over.

Edit 1:24 am: Nothing has shown up yet. Got a call from my mom about a half hour ago. I haven't told them about any of the shit happening. I just told her I loved her and hung up the phone. My friends have been snap chatting me asking me about this shit. I said that I'll try to get a picture of him if I can. If I do I'll upload it so you guys can see.

Edit 1:34 am: Neighbors told me they see a car parked up the street from them. One of my neighbors who's in his mid 40's says he's going to check it out. My foot is tapping the floor like crazy right now.

Edit 1:37 am: False alarm. Turns out it was just the car of a family who just got home. Fuck me this suspense is making me sick.

Edit 1:48 am: One of my neighbors says he is going to sleep. This isn't good. I just hope the rest of them hold out for me until the rest of the night. I don't know if I'm going to fall asleep at all. I've already chugged two cups of coffee and I'm as alert as possible.

Edit 2:11 am: I was looking out my window when I heard something in the bushes of my backyard. I couldn't tell whether it was the the guy, the wind, or some animal so I shined turned on the light in my backyard and saw nothing. I think the paranoia is getting to me.

Edit 2:17 am: Alright it's official, I am losing my shit. I heard something crash in my kitchen and I ran down to see what was happening. Some pan had fallen over from the shelf. Nothing notable but it scared the absolute shit out of me. I went back upstairs to start looking out the window again, at one of the streets right of my backyard which is about 200 yards away, through the trees I saw a car at a corner flashing its brights repeatedly and then making a right driving away from the street leading to my house. What the fuck is going on?! Is this motherfucker taunting me?

Edit 2:32 am: Alright. /u/joeenid1 has freaked me the fuck out. I'm out of here. I'm bringing my laptop and my wallet and phone with me and staying in my neighbors house. I'm not staying here another second after reading that man. Fuck that.

Edit 2:40 am: I am currently at my neighbor's house staring into my backyard/the cul de sac. I walked out my back door and sprinted and rang the door bell as fast as possible. They saw me and opened the door immediately. Scariest shit I have ever done I was worried he was gonna pull up any second. Now I just wait and hope for the best.

Edit 2:51 am: Nothing out of the ordinary has happened. I am dreading what will happen at 3:24 though. I saw 2 cars pass by my house. I couldn't tell if they were the same car as the one the stalker was using. At the same time I cant tell if its was the same car passing by both ways. This guy is playing tricks on my mind. I am ready to dial 911 at any second now. I called my parents and told them what is happening; they said they will be on their way home tomorrow. God please protect me.

Edit 3:01 am: This guy is definitely coming. A car came up the street on the cul de sac and started flashing it's high beams again and left. He is trying to fuck with my mind. Thank god I left the house, because the direction he is going he is definitely coming back around to my house. Fuck I'm scared and I'm not even in my house anymore. The moment i even see him outside his car I am calling the police.

Edit 3:11 am: My neighbor and I both agreed we are going to leave the house and drive to the police station as soon as we see him park near my house. My heart is racing. I can't believe I had just waiting in my house alone for the past couple hours. What the fuck was I thinking.

Edit 3:20 am: Still nothing yet. Even if he doesn't come I sure as hell am not going back. I'm not even sure if I'll stay here. This is the scariest shit that has ever happened to me holy fuck.

Edit 3:25 am: SOMEONE HAS PARKED IN MY FUCKING DRIVEWAY!!!!!!! I am getting the fuck out of here. I'll try to update you guys on mobile or later when if they arrest this guy but I am leaving now. Thank you all for the support. And thanks /u/joeenid1 you may have saved my life.

Edit 1:15 pm 2/19/17- For those who are concerned I am alive. I went to the police station and I have been questioned and they are working on finding the guy. They haven't found him yet unfortunately. I went to a hotel and got some sleep and I just woke up. I'll write more about this in a new post but for right now I am just taking some time to get this sorted out. Thanks to everyone for their support.

[sunflowerchaix]

Come What May

March 4th

       The bell above the glass door chimed as I rushed into the cold lobby of the Holiday gas station. The Seattle air was crisp, which isn’t that shocking to the locals who barely ever see the sun. To them, it is a myth, hidden behind the clouds of rain that they so strongly believe in and hold onto that hope.

           I have lost all hope, every last drop of it. It became lost like a raindrop sliding down a bus window; crashing into a puddle that had gathered on the edge. This particular bus was taking me away from the one that I love; the one that I left behind only because I was scared and I needed to escape.

           Inside the gas station there were four long rows filled with crap that was just waiting to be bought and taken out of this depressing hell whole. Only to be met with an untimely and quite disappointing fate. Kind of like the situation that I have put myself in.

           I flip my long, once blonde and clean, hair out of my face. Before I left on my journey to find myself, I colored my hair to a vibrant blue, but now it’s a sad grey. I used to be bigger than I am now, but not eating properly for three months will make all that weight fall off. I am not the same pretty girl I once knew.

           You see, growing up my dream was to move to Seattle and start publishing my novels. I thought I would have what it takes to become a successful writer, but I didn’t. When I arrived, I was so full of optimism and hope, but it soon came crashing down like that raindrop. There was no place for me to stay and I only had so much money that I couldn’t stay in a hotel for much longer. I quickly ran out of money.

           You may be asking why I didn’t just call my parents and ask for help, but it’s not that simple. When I was seventeen years old I was kicked out of their house. Typical, runaway teen has been on her own because she didn’t follow mommy and daddy’s rules, right?

           Wrong, oh is that so very wrong.

           Instead my relationship and trust was ripped away from my parents all because of my little sister, who I do love with all my heart but I just wish that she would make better choices for herself.

           Annabeth is the baby of the family, and after her birth she quite quickly became the favorite. She is the angel in my parents’ eyes; she can literally do no wrong! But she is a manipulative bitch that got my brother thrown in jail and me living on the streets at the tender age of seventeen years old.

           Our brother caught her smoking pot in her bed room and he was pissed. He was livid because he knew that precious little Annie was going to get away with it. But he decided to try and tell our parents, but before he could Annabeth switched the story around causing my dad’s vain on his forehead to pop with anger. My dad turned my brother in for possession of marijuana and considering my dad is a pretty big deal in my home town; the police booked him with out any evidence against him.

          Corruption at its finest.

           Annabeth ruined our brother’s life forever because she couldn’t stand the idea of having to deal with the consequences of her actions. And he wasn’t gone that long before she decided that she wanted to get rid of me as well. To put me in danger as a minor just so she could be the only child or whatever her motive was.

           It was snowing outside and I had just gotten home from spending time with my then best friend, Chandler. My dad was waiting in the piano room, arms folded and the vain popping out so far that I was afraid that it was going to burst and spill all over the white carpet. Confused, I sat down on the hideous floral couch and looked up at him.

           “What’s this?” He snapped and he held a wrapper in my face. “Why did your poor sister have to find this in her room?”

           I tried to take a look, but he was shoving the wrapper so far in my face that I couldn’t focus on it. “I don’t know, let me look.”

           His face turned beet red. “You fucking liar, you know exactly what it is.”

           “I really don’t dad, I literally cannot see it.” I replied honestly, since he was known for enjoying honesty even though he never believed it when it was voiced.

           Then his olive toned hand met my light pale cheek. “How can you be so incompetent that you don’t know what this is? It’s a condom wrapper!”

           My eyes met Annabeth, who was smirking and she opened her mouth and said; “I also caught her using it with another girl.”

           My heart stopped and my mouth slammed to the white carpeted floor. Our father was now fuming at this new information; him being homophobic he was not having it. I knew then that this would be my last time in the house that I grew up in. The house that I was brought home from the hospital after I was born, the house that was just five minutes from Chandler’s and ten minutes from school.

           “What do you have to say for yourself?” His voice shook the paint on the walls.

           I was dumbfounded. “You cant even use a condom with a woman, they don’t have the parts for it. But I am obviously not welcomed here anymore so I will go pack my suitcase and leave.”

           Being so close to graduation and my birthday was coming up in a couple of weeks, it didn’t matter that I was leaving the house at such a young age. The only thing I feared was where I would sleep that night, because it was the worst snowfall Utah had seen in a long time. Roads were closed and the snow bed was up to my knees.

           I immediately went over to Chandler’s parents’ house, who so graciously took me in as their own that night. They wanted to call and report what happened as child endangerment, which my father could have been charged with that but I didn’t see the point. Exhausted, I fell asleep in Chandler’s arms that night and that was the start of our relationship.

           A month after graduation, Chandler and I found our own apartment that was within walking distance of the community college. We both had plans to go there since it was cheaper and all I really wanted to do was take writing classes to better my chances at making it big. But without any extra help for income, school became expensive and after about a year of living together, I left him.

           I took what money I had in my bank account and in my pocket and just left. Only leaving a note behind and a few things that I couldn’t take with me; I broke his heart. He didn’t deserve that in the slightest, I just up and left him and here I am three months later living on the streets just dying to go back to him.

           I am completely out of money; the only thing I have in my pocket right now is fifteen dollars and an unopened mint I was saving for dinner. Currently I am staying at a homeless shelter until I can get back on my feet. But it’s been a month and nothing is changing.

           Despite not eating or eating very little, my waist has started to expand, so that’s why I am here at the Holiday gas station. Staring at the end of the third aisle at a product that was placed right next to a pack of condoms and a pack of Dramamine; I already knew what this test would tell me.

It takes a moron not to notice.

I grab the box of pregnancy tests and a large bottle of water and head for the bathroom. Once in, I lock the door and I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. My face has hollowed out due to not eating and my green eyes have turned dull. I used to consider myself beautiful, but after these few months I stopped believing that.

Taking a deep breath, I rip open the purple box of tests and chug the large bottle of water. Soon enough, I have to pee like a race horse and so I stick the test down there. I wince as I get a little bit of my urine on my hand and bring the test out of the toilet area so I can see it.

I stare at it for what feels like forever, but nothing changes with it so I take another one just to be sure and then I wash my hands. After all that, I look down at the tests and there it is, the only thing positive I have seen in these two years of being on my own.

“Fuck.” I whisper under my breath.

I was planning on just stealing the tests and the water bottle, but I know the old woman at the counter so I object to that plan. The bathroom door slams behind me and I march up to the front counter, hoping Gladys doesn’t ask too many questions.

Gladys was the first friendly face I met when I got here to Seattle. I am pretty sure she knows that I have no home, but I also haven’t really opened up to her for obvious reasons. But she always makes sure to give me a water bottle and sometimes a turkey sandwich.

“Hey baby girl,” She says with a smile. “What brings you in today?”

I put the opened box of tests and the empty water bottle on the counter. She glances at the box but nothing else, she doesn’t even give me a judgmental look.

“Can I ask what the test says?”

I sigh. “It’s positive, congratulations to me right?”

She smiles and genuinely looks excited for me; “A little bun to brighten your life up.”

“I don’t know about that one Gladys, someone in my situation shouldn’t really be able to bring up a child.” I shrug. “I have a lot to think about, you know?”

She nodded. “I will stand next to you in support in whatever you choose baby girl, you know that. Are you going to tell the daddy?”

The thought of talking to Chandler on the phone causes my gut to fall through my butt. “You know, im not even sure I am even going to go through with the pregnancy.”

Gladys shrugs; “Well, whatever you choose go PP. They helped me with my first pregnancy and the first appointment should be free.”

Ignoring her I sigh and say; “So what’s the damage?”

Gladys smiles; “it is on me this time, but please go grab another large water bottle and one of those sandwiches. Keeping the baby or not, you still need to take care of yourself.”

I do as I am told and leave the gas station.

Previous | Next | First

[idkyeol]

Airport Troubles

Finally, the trip you had been planning for 3 years was finally here. You, Your sister Zoe, and her best friend Amy were traveling to South Korea. You get to the airport and wait to go through security. All the while the girls are laughing and talking about what they wanted to do. "I wanna to try to meet BTS!" "Dude I'm going to find Kyungsoo and make him love me." You start laughing at the girls. "Don't get ahead of yourself." As soon as we get settled in for our long flight, all of us pass out.

A 13 hour flight and you're finally there. As you make your way to baggage claim, you noticed the crowd getting bigger. "Okay guys, we need to push through this crowd and get to that bathroom." You go first and as soon as you make it you get pushed. Everything in your hands is knocked down. As you bend to get it, your face makes contact with a tall man's head and all you see is starts. "What the fuck?!" You exclaim while being drug to the bathroom by Amy. While you're being cleaned up Zoe is frozen in place. Standing in front of her was Chanyeol, Xiumin, and Chen from EXO. Chanyeol has a panicked look on his face. Xiumin writes out a note and hands it to Zoe. "We have to run but please have her call us as soon as she can!" Chanyeol was still panicking. "We need to stay and...." before he could finish his sentence a crowd of girls chases them.

Once you were able to clean up you went out to find Zoe. She looks pale. "Is everything okay?" You ask. She thrusts the paper into your hand. "Holy shit, park Chanyeol is the one who hit me!!" Zoe very excitedly told you the whole story. One very expensive taxi ride later, the girls were at the hotel and you were in the hospital. While you're waiting for the doctor you decide to text the number. Putting blame on whoever's phone it is for the hospital stay. A few minutes later and the doctor comes in. He starts talking very fast and you don't know much Korean. He shakes his head and leaves. Your phone starts ringing it and you answer it in almost tears. "Hello?" "Its all over the news that Chanyeol hit you. Did you tell....wait are you crying?!" "Who is this?" "It's min...Xiumin from EXO." Before you can respond the doctor comes back and try to tell him you cant understand. Then you hear Xiumin speak. "Give him the phone ill translate." You hand it over and doctor has a pleased look on his and hands it back. "What did he say?" Xiumin says that the doctor said I'm fine but I need to stay overnight. I start crying telling him I can't stay here alone. "Well than good thing I told him I was coming down." Before you can respond he hangs up.

You were fussing over how you looked, so you didn't even realize he was there. "You look fine for someone who was just beat up." He says with a laugh. You look over at him shocked. He smiles and all you can say is "why are you here? " "well i just wanted to make sure....." before he can finish i cut him off "drop the act. You just want me to sign something saying I won't sue SM." "Well that's partly true. But it's more of SM will cover any and all medical bills pertaining to this and a confidential agreement." You take it from him and sign it. Then hand it back. "Now can you please leave?" He laughs "no can do." He says while sitting down. "What do you mean?" You ask confused. "Well the doctor thinks I'm your boyfriend and asked me to stay." "But don't you have work?" He laughs "i cleared my schedule. I'm yours until you get discharged."

You fall asleep a few minutes later. Xiumin sits there and after a bit he calls his manager to explain what's going on. "When she's discharged ill take her to the house." After a short nap you wake up suddenly. You sit up and accidentally hit your face. "Holy shit!!!" You yell and it causes Xiumin to jump. Once you explain what happens he asks if he can sit on the bed with you. You agree and as soon as he sat with you the door bursts open and the nurse runs in. She frowns when she sees you laying against his shoulder. He explains what happened and she leaves. After a few minutes of talking you both fall asleep. When you wake up you're hot. Finally you realize that it's Xiumin cuddling you. Once you're both up the doctor comes in and explains that you were free to go and to make a follow up appointment. Trying to make small talk in the car you bring up the nurse. "What was up with that nurse? She literally glared at me every time she came in. Then when she brought me breakfast she spilt juice on me." Xiumin visibly shudders. "She kept trying to ask me out and I denied her." "That's so weird." Xiumin smiles. "I am so sorry if I caused you any trouble, Xiumin." He laughs again. "You can call me Minseok."

After a short ride to the dorm, you guys pull up to a big house. You look at him and he laughs. "We tell people we live in a dorm to keep them off Of our tracks." As we walk up to the door it swings open. Before you can react you're pulled into a hug. You can't see who it is but you hear Minseok talk to the person. "Chanyeol-ah, please leave her be." He hugs tighter and apologizes. "Thank you, Chanyeol." Then all 3 of you walk into the house. As soon as you get to the foyer to take your shoes off someone rounds the corner. It's Baekhyun. He gasps. "Wow. Chan really fucked up your pretty face." The comment made everyone laugh and Chanyeol groan. "Please let me make it up to you!" You laugh."now how are you going to do that Mr. Park?" He ponders the question for a few minutes. "How about I extend your trip?!" You looked at him like he's insane. "No! I couldn't ask you to do that!" He laughs and runs off. "I'm going to do it now!" All of the other boys start laughing. You introduce yourself to the boys you hadn't met yet. Everyone wants very welcoming and made you feel comfortable. Baekhyun sits next to you on the sofa. "So do you like video games?"

A few of the boys had schedules so you stayed to hang out with Minseok, Baekhyun, and Jongdae. Before Chanyeol left he gave you all the information for your trip extension. He made you promise that you would come see him while you're here. After playing Mario Kart for hours the boys decide to put on a movie. At some point you start to doze off and you unconsciously lay on Minseok's shoulder. Suddenly, your phone rings. You see who it is and run to another room. You answer and it's a FaceTime call from your daughter and her dad. You talk to her for a few minutes and explain to your ex that you'll be staying longer. Once you end the call you see Baekhyun by the door. "Oh! Was that your family?!" You smile. "Yes. That was my daughter and her dad, my ex husband." You hesitate for a minute and get up. "Well I should probably get back to my sister." You rush towards the door and Baekhyun grabs your arm. "Wait! Why? Don't you want to say goodbye?" You shake your head and put your shoes on. "But I think Minseok hyung really likes you." You laugh and shake your head. "Yeah but once he finds out I'm a single mom?" You hug Baekhyun and he tries to stop you again "he won't mind, I know him!" You kiss his cheek, smile but before you can leave he grabs your phone and calls himself. "You better respond to my texts!" He warns before showing you to the door.

You make your way back to the hotel and the girls are surprised you had been gone so long. You explain how the day went, leaving out the whole hanging out with EXO. Explained to them about Chanyeol extending the trip and went to bed. Over the next week or so you and Baekhyun has become close. He would give you suggestions on things to do and you guys had coffee a few times. He tried to bring up Minseok but you wouldn't let him. He didn't push the issue anymore. One morning you wake up to an empty room. The girls left a note saying they were going to BigHit to see if they could get a tour of the building. You decide to get up and get ready for your day. You planned on relaxing at the spa the hotel had. You go out and get some food then go back to your room. As you're walking in your phone rings. You answer and the screaming starts. "YOU HAVE TO COME GET US!!! We're being held at BigHit. They think we're are crazy fans." You freak out. "Okay okay! I'm going to call Baek and see if he can help me! I'll be there asap." You hang up and call him. Of freaking course he isn't answering his phone. You rack your brain and there is only one other person that can help: Minseok.

You hesitate but realize that you have to suck it up and call. It rings a few times. You start to panic. He finally picks up and you explain the situation and he says he will meet you there. You book it to the building and Minseok runs up the same time you do. Right behind him is Kyungsoo who runs past and into the building. Minseok grabs your arm and stops you from following him. "We need to talk." Of course you start to think of all the bad things he can say. "Well I'm a little busy with my sister..." he laughs "why do you think Kyungsoo is here?"  He grabs your arm and runs off. You two arrive at the SM building and you're confused. You're ushered into an office where Chanyeol and their manager sat. They all start talking really fast and you can't keep up. You look over at Xiumin and he apologizes. "Apparently the nurse from the hospital was upset that I didn't accept her request for a date and took pictures of us sleeping. She tried to blackmail me so we are making you aware since she might come after you." You sigh and wait for them to continue. "Oh! They need an update on your condition." You explain everything. "Well I have to have surgery when I get home since my nose was half broken." Chanyeol's eyes open impossibly wide. Which makes you and Minseok laugh. "It's fine, Chan." You say with a laugh. "Well now that that's out of the way, we should get back to the house!" Minseok exclaims.

Once back at the house, you walk in and hear squealing. You run to the living room and see Yixing dancing for the girls. He looks up at you. "You must be the pretty girl Chanyeol beat up?" You feel your cheeks flush and Yixing laughs. He tries to grab your hand but you're yanked away by Minseok. This makes everyone laugh. "I guess we should get going." As you finish your sentence Kyungsoo pops his head out of the kitchen and tells everyone that dinner is almost ready and everyone is eating. You yawn before agreeing. Minseok looks concerned. "Do you wanna go lay down?" You nod your head yes. He leads you to his room and flops down. You sit next to him and start to nod off. Your head hits his shoulder and he holds you hand. You can feeling your heart racing. He lace your fingers together and signs. "I missed you. I couldn't get you out of my head." You chuckle and he continues. "Why did you ignore me?" You sigh and start to talk. But your phone interrupts you. "Well. I have a 3 year old daughter who is with her dad, my ex husband. Wanna meet her?" He smiles and agrees. You answer and see her.

"Hi baby!" She gets excited and yells "mama!" This makes you laugh and you ask her if she wants to meet Minseok. "Hi! It's nice to meet you." She gives him a puzzled look and it looks like a lightbulb goes off in her head. "Mama has your picture in our house!" She screams. You feel your face flush and he smiles. Then we hear another voice. Your ex starts to talk and Minseok turns the phone to you. "Who was that?" He demands. Before you can answer your daughter speaks up. "Daddy that's EXO!" He visibly stiffens. "Can you please not have whatever dude you're currently fucking talk to our child." You roll your eyes and see that Minseok looks pissed. He squeezes your hand, sensing you're upset. "Anyway." You sigh out. "Why don't you call her back when you aren't busy." He yells before hanging up the call. You feel the tears flood your eyes. Minseok pulls you into him and you both lay down. Once your crying finally stops you feel sleep pulling you in. Minseok makes a move to get up and you grab his arm. "Please don't go." He lays back down and snuggles up to you, kissing your forehead. The last thing you hear before you succumb to sleep is his voice. "I'm not going anywhere."

You wake up a few hours later by yourself. You see the time and jump up. Minseok walks in and stops you. "Nope. You're going back to sleep. Kyungsoo is setting the girls up in the living room." You smile and plop back onto the bed. "Okay. Sounds good. But I need something from you." Minseok smiles and urges you to go on. "Will you cuddle with me?" You shyly ask. He smiles and jumps in the bed. He snuggles up to you. You roll over so you can face him. You both stare at each other for a few minutes before he leans in and kisses you. You smile and as he pulls away he whispers "I really like you." You feel your cheeks heat up and tell him it's a mutual feeling. You lean in this time and kiss him. It gets heated very quickly and He rolls onto his back and pulls you with him so you're straddling his hips. He continues kissing you as his hands creep up the back of your shirt. Just as he reaches to pull it off the bedroom door swings open. Chen walks in and it takes him a minute to register what's happening. "Oh my god you guys. Lock the door." You and Minseok start laughing and you roll off of him. "Maybe we should wait until we have more privacy." You say to a pouty Minseok.

The next morning you wake up to Minseok snuggling you. He looks so pretty. You start to run your fingers through his hair. He stirs in his sleep so you stop. Then you hear him mumble "why did you stop?" Which causes you to giggle and continue. With his eyes closed he starts to ask you about your plans for the day. "The girls and I are going to go shopping and explore. What about you?" He finally sits up so he can talk properly. "I have some recording to do, then I'm free." You laughs at his cheesy smile. "So does that mean I can see you again tonight?" He doesn't respond right away. You start to regret asking when he speaks up. "Of course. I want you to be here anytime you can." He leans in and presses a kiss to your lips. There's a knock on the door. Baekhyun walks in covering his eyes. The both of you laugh. "Baek we aren't doing anything." He sighs "okay good. Min, we have to leave in 45 minutes." Then he leaves the room. You start to get up. "I guess that means I have to leave." Before you can react Minseok grabs your arm and spins you to face him. "I wasn't done with you." Then his lips are on yours. When he pulls away you smile and run off. He chases you and slide across the floor. You fell on your butt and he was on you. You pull his face to yours and start kissing him. Then you hear a round of cheers from the living room. He jumps up and helps you up. "I'll call you when I'm done."

You and the girls spend the day out exploring. Once you were all burnt out, you went back to the hotel. As the three of you were relaxing you got a phone call. It was Chanyeol. "Hey Noona! So Minseok hyung has been asking when you're leaving. I don't know if I should tell him....." you thought about it. "Don't tell him! I don't want it to spoil the rest of our time here. Also could I come over before Min gets home? I wanna make you guys dinner." He laughs. "Of course Noona. Meet me there in 20." He hung up and you rounded the girls up. Shortly after you received a text from Jongin. You didn't even know he had your number. He asked if we could make him chicken. So we decided to make fried chicken and mashed potatoes.  We meet Kyungsoo at the store so he can help us get everything. Once we get back to the house we start cooking. Kyungsoo helps since he's never made American food. During the process your phone rings. You see that it's your daughter. You run to another room to take it. It's the ex's girlfriend. "Hey! How is everything?" You smile and tell her about everything. "So that's why he's been so pissy. So are you guys dating?" You laugh. "I don't know but I'm definitely falling in love and it's kind scary. He's amazing." She smiles. "Girl you deserve it." You talk to your daughter for a bit then hang up. What you didn't notice was Minseok listening from the door. He smiles and you cringe. "So who this amazing person you were talking about?" He says with a smirk. "Oh just Chanyeol. You know he's my bias." You say as you walk past him. "Oh no you don't!" He turns to grab you and you run. He reaches you before you make it to the kitchen. He pulls you around pushing you back to the wall. Then his lips are on yours. "I'm kinda sorta falling in love with you too." He whispers against your lips. The door swings open, Yixing and Junmyeon walk out. "Oh my god, can't you guys get a room?!" Junmyeon yells while Yixing is saying how cute it is. Once dinner is ready everyone sits down to eat. Everyone talked and laughed for hours. Once you realized what time it was, You and the girls headed back to the hotel since the boys had an early day.

The next morning you and the girls got shopping for outfits to the show that night. Once you're done you head back to the hotel to get ready. The only person who knows you're gonna be there is Baekhyun. Once you make it to the venue you guys decide to give away your meet and greet passes. An SM employee notices this and offers to allow you to meet the band backstage after the fan meet. You follow her back. She finds Suho and explains the situation. He sends her off and starts dying of laughter. "Hey guys. We have some fans here to meet us." All of them stand up and He moves aside. All of the members start cracking up. But you want to do the typical fangirl thing. After they introduce themselves, they take pictures and you all just hang out before the show. Minseok insisted that you watch from backstage. Every time he ran back, he would kiss you for luck. Once the concert was over, you followed the boys to their dressing room to say goodbye. After an round of sweaty hugs you guys leave. As you're leaving you see a small group of girls staring at you. One of them points at you and you realize it's the nurse from the hospital. Before you can react the group walks over and starts yelling. One of them tries to push you so you grab the girls and run. You realize they're chasing you. You decide to call Minseok.

"Hey!" He says when he answers. "He-hey. So we're in trouble. Some girls are chasing us." He flips out and asks where you are. "I have no idea Min. Oh here is a police station." You run in and he tells you to wait inside. The girls waiting outside. You hand your phone to a police officer who allows you to wait. About 15 minutes later you hear yelling. You look outside to see Minseok scolding the girls. He doesn't recognize the nurse, so speak up. "Hey Min, doesn't that girl look familiar.?" He looks and his eyes open wide. "You'll be here from my lawyer." Is all he says before walking over to you. He grabs and hugs you. "I am so sorry." He says with a frown. "Minseok, I don't blame you one bit." He smiles at your response. Your phone goes off and you pull it out. Before you can show Minseok, his phone rings. Once he hangs up he has a puzzled look and on his face. "Well those girls found out your name and leaked all of our information. Then he grins which confuses you. "So you and the girls are staying with us until you go home."

That's how the last bit of your trip, turned into a slumber party with EXO. They had a spare room that the girls stayed in and Jongdae moved in with Yixing. This gave you and Minseok you're own room. Once all your stuff with successfully moved with help of security guards from SM you got to spend all your free time with Minseok. Since he couldn't take you on a real date, he decided to come up with some pretty creative things to do. A lot of it was late at night but you didn't mind. You just loved that you guys were growing close. Since you were keeping the date you go home a secret from Minseok, it made everything that much better. The date was coming up fast. Minseok knew it was soon but you wouldn't tell him specifically. There was about 2 weeks left.

You started to notice your sister leaving a lot. But she wouldn't tell you where she was. Even the boys were becoming suspicious. This gave Baekhyun an idea. He teamed up with Jongdae to investigate. One night in particular she was asking to leave pretty late. Once again she wouldn't tell anyone where she was going. Once she left Baekhyun came bursting in the room. "Let's go guys! We're following her." You, Minseok, Baekhyun, and Jongdae get ready and go. You follow the car she got into. It went to another apartment complex that Baekhyun had seen before. "Why is she coming to the BTS dorm??" Everyone looks around confused. Baekhyun calls Taehyung to see if he's home. They talk for a few minutes. "She's dating Yoongi." We all stood there with our jaws dropped. Once we get home Minseok drags you to bed. "I have a surprise!" He exclaims. You look at him completely confused. He continues. "SM gave me the rest of the time you're here off!" You were ecstatic! You launched your body at his that was laying on the bed. You hugged him and he started giggling. "You seem happy." He laughed at. "Well yeah! I actually get your undivided attention! What great way to end my trip." You realize what you said and frown. "What's wrong?" He inquired. You could feel the tears welling up. You shook your head to try to rid yourself of them but before you could completely compose yourself, Minseok pulled you into his arms. You took a deep shaky breath. "Shh, don't think about it." He said hugging you tighter and then you felt the tears fall. You tried so hard to stop them but as soon as you felt some fall from above you sobbed. The two of you hugged for a bit longer before he whispered against you, thinking you couldn't hear him. But the minute the words left mouth you gasped.

You both get up to clean up for bed. Once you're both snuggled up together, you decide to respond. "Hey, Minseok?" He doesn't respond right away but then you hear him hum in reply. "I love you too." He presses his lips to yours. "Say it again." You giggle. "I love you Minseok" he kisses you again and you can feel him smiling. "I love you too." The next morning you wake up alone. As you get out of bed you hear laughing. You look at your phone and realize it's only 7am. You leave the room and get closer to the source. You hear the person giggle. "Oh Minseok Oppa. You're so cute." When you hear him laugh back you spin on your heels and head to the room. On your way back to the room, you run into Baekhyun. He notices you look awkward so he drags you to his room. Failing to get information out of you, he lets you go back to your room. Once you're there, you crawl back into bed. You text your sister to see if she has plans today. She explains she's going to see Yoongi and you ask to tag along. You get dressed and meet your sister in the living room. Baekhyun comes in. "Hey! What are you guys up to today?" He asks just as Minseok and his guest walk in. "Oh we're going to meet up with Yoongi and the other boys. They want to meet her." Your sister explains. Minseok gives you a puzzled look. You guys had plans today but his guest was making you feel unwanted. You smile at Minseok. "Well you seemed busy, so I figured our plans were canceled." The only person in the room to pick up on your attitude was Baekhyun. He almost lost it. Minseok gives him a stern look and walks away with his friend not far behind. "Oooo someone is jealous." Baekhyun teases. You scoff and walk to the room to grab your bag. Just as you're about to open the door you hear the girl speak. "Who are those girls, Minnie?" You wait to hear his response. "They're just...." he pauses before he finishes. "Baekhyun's friends." Your heart drops and you push the door open. Without making eye contact with either of them, you grab your bag. A wide eyed Minseok watches you but before he can speak you do. "Well, goodbye friend."

You decide to not allow your attitude or Minseoks words ruin your brunch with BTS. All of the boys are nice. You and Namjoon are having fun talking in English. After everyone finishes eating you guys decide to head out. Not wanting to rain on their date all of the members went their separate ways. You said goodbye to your sister. Before you could leave, namjoon stopped you. "I really enjoyed talking to you. Do you wanna maybe get coffee or something? Maybe you could tell me about your black eyes." You thought about it and remembered how bad you felt seeing Minseok with someone else. "I actually have some things to do but here's my number. You should text me!" He smiles and gives you a hug goodbye. You finally check your phone and have a flood of texts from Minseok. He asks you to call him so he can explain. So you do. What shocks you is who answers. "Hello? This is Minnie's phone." You're into too much shock to say anything. Then you hear him. "I told you not to touch my phone. God. Will just leave already?" This makes you giggle. Then he gets on the phone "hello?" You start laughing. "Oh my god. Thank you so much for calling me. I need to explain." You laugh again. "You have nothing to explain, Minnie." You tease. "Come home and save me please."

Once you get home, his guest is gone. He wraps you in a hug and kisses you. "I'm so sorry. Please don't be mad" you start laughing. "Minseok, of course I was mad but I'm not anymore. Plus I got asked out by Rap Monster." He stops "YOU WHAT?!" This causes you to laugh more. Then he explains that the girl was a family friend. His mom is getting concerned that he isn't married and tried to push her on him. "But to appease my mom, I have to go on a date with her." This made you laugh even harder. "It's fine Babe. I trust you." To which he hugged you even harder. Later that night you had Chanyeol confirm your flights and you guys were leaving in 3 days. Minseok still didn't know when and you didn't want him to. You spent the next couple of days just being lazy with the boys since they were all on light schedules. The night before you guys were leaving Minseok received a call from his mom. After talking to her he comes back to the living room. "So my date is tomorrow." Once the words leave his mouth, Chanyeol looks at you and you shake you head. "That's cool. Maybe she's the love of your life." You say teasing Minseok. You yells and then tickles you. "Stop! I'm gonna go shower!" You exclaim and leave the room. Before you can get into the bathroom, Chanyeol stops you. He can see your eyes full of tears and just hugs you. "Just tell him." You shake your head. "It's better this way." Chanyeol scoffs "for who?" After your shower you meet Minseok in the room. He's laying in bed. You walk over and he smiles his gummy smile at you. Before you can sit on the bed he sits up and pulls you into his lap. You smile down at him as he pulls your face to his. He presses his lips to yours. "Tell me you love me." You whisper. He starts kissing and punctuates every kiss with an "I love you." He continues to kiss down your neck to the rest of your body. You can feel every ounce of love he has for you come out with every action he assaults your body with. He pushes you into an abyss of pleasure where all you feel is love and affection around you.

The next morning you wake up before Minseok and decide to write him a letter to read once you're gone. Once everyone is up, lunch is made and everyone hangs out before Minseok has to leave for his date. He kisses you and goes on his way. Once he's gone, it's time to pack. Baekhyun is trying to talk you into calling Minseok.   You say your goodbyes to all of the boys and get into the taxi. You made Baekhyun promise he wouldn't call Minseok. As the taxi leaves the boys conspire. "She said I couldn't call him. Not that anyone else couldn't." So they all start calling. He isn't answering. They keep trying and then finally when Jongdae calls he answers. "She left! She's on her way to the airport now. Go dude. Forget that date!" Before Minseok can process Jongdae's words he's out the door. Ignoring the screams of his date.

You and the girls made it to the airport and are trying to get to security. Your sister is in tears having to leave Yoongi and here you were trying to keep it together. Just as you're about to get in line you hear a commotion. There is a huge crowd yelling. You decide to keep going, not bothering to pay attention. All of sudden you hear the girls gasp. You turn around and you're face to face with minseok. "Where do you think you're going?" Before you can respond he pulls you into his arms. "Please don't leave me. I need you." You let your tears fall. "You can't get rid of me that easy, Kim Minseok."

[lifeunderapapermoon]

1-82!!!

1: The last person you kissed screams they love you, you say…: You dont abandon the ones you love.

2: Did you get to sleep in today? : til almost 2. Yay sickness

3: You never know what you got until you lose it? : in some cases but never applied to me I guess. I appreciate things before it is too late.

4: Do you have siblings? : I have twin brother and sister who are 11 and they're my whole world.

5: How many kids do you want?: idk honestly I think it would depend on how stable my life was. I've always gotten like 2 or 3 when I did the needle trick.

6: Who was the last person you held hands with?: my best friend nikki

7: Did you stand on your tippy-toes for your last kiss?: I didnt take someone over 6 foot so I didnt have to.

8: Do you think if you died, the last person you kissed would care? : I'd like to think so, but idk man

9: Last person to talk on the phone?: my friend Mell

10: Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone?: I think my parents saw him kiss me goodbye as he left.

11: When’s your birthday? April 30th

12: Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?: yep

13: What kind of phone do you have? Samsung galaxy s8

14: Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants?: I'm not wearing pants

15: Are you a different person now than you were 5 years ago?: oh absolutely. I'm no longer a doormat. I dont stay in situations that aren't good for my well being. I also learned how to do makeup so I look like a solid 5 now.

16: What were you doing at 4 am?: falling asleep

17: Would you rather write a paper or give a speech?: write!

18: Are you lying to yourself about something?: probably a lot of things lmao it's called "coping"

19: Last night you felt…?: confused & horny

20: What’s something you cannot wait for?: October! I get to be in my best friend Renee's wedding!! And go to Illinois

21: Ever told your parents you were going somewhere but when somewhere different?: oh I'm sure I have

22: How many hours of sleep did you get last night?: maybe 9 hours

23: Are you a morning or night person?: night for sure

24: What did you get your last bruise from?: Idk I bruise like a peach lol

25: Do you reply to all of your texts?: yes

26: Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for. What do you do?: probs have a panic attack lol

27: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?: no

28: Anyone you would like to get things straight with?: would love to have closure from my ex.

29: How many months until your birthday?3

30: Favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?toast or carrots or apples

31: Did you like this past summer?: this past summer had a lot of Highs and lows. I missed out on a lot of summer because I was in the hospital

32: What were you doing before you got on the computer?: not on my computer currently

33: Your ex is sitting next to you, with their new partner. What do you do?: leave?

34: What is the last thing you said out loud?: ugh fuck

35: Your mood summed into one word? Confused

36: Are you doing anything else besides taking this survey? Listening to Grayscale

37: What are your initials? LPR

38: Are you a happy person? Generally I am but I also hide the emo side real well.

39: Do you still talk to the person you liked 4 months ago? Nope lol

40: Where do you want to live when your older? I'd like to live in a house with a wrap around porch and large windows. I dont know the location

41: Have you had your birthday this year? Nope

42: What did you do yesterday? I went to therapy and then out to dinner with my best friend Sully.

43: What will you be doing tomorrow?: I dont plan that far in advance lol

44: How late did you stay up last night? I think like 4 ish

45: Is there anyone you would do anything for?: I would lay down my life for my friends and family.

46: Is it hard to make you laugh?: not at all lol

47: Do you believe ex’s can be just friends?: I think it depends on the relationship. I'm still friends with a few exes, BUT we dated in like middle school so it wasnt serious. I think as you get older and the relationship is more intimate (not really sexual) it gets more difficult to shove those feelings aside and just be friends.

48: Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again?: a few have tried. I dont know where a lot of their heads are lol I dont talk to many of my exes.

49: How many people have you had feelings for in the year of 2012?: I barely remember 2012 lmao. Probably a lot since I was a lovesick puppy for any guy

50: Do you wish your ex was dead?: no, well depends on the ex I guess. I wished for a long time that the guy who was abusive and controlling was dead.

51: Have you ever dyed your hair?: lots of times

52: Would ever take back someone that cheated?: once a cheater always a cheater

53: Was New Year’s Even enjoyable?: yeah it was. We wont talk about that.

54: Bet you’re missing someone right now?: trying not to.

55: How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?: I've literally gotten tattoos with my parents lol. Like they took me to get like 4 of them

56: Sleep on your back or stomach?: stomach

57: If you could move away, no questions asked, where would it be ?: Oklahoma maybe or Tennessee. Also maybe Florida cause the beach

58: What would you change about your life right now?: not much I could physically change

59: Has anything upset you in the past week?: Yep. A lot

60: Are you on the phone? Yeah I'm mobile writing this.

61: Today, would you rather go forward a week or back?: Forward. Last week I couldn't even leave my bed lol

62: Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car?: the money. I have a jeep that is less than perfect but I love her just the same

63: Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?: apparently I'm attracted to pot heads so all the time

64: Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?: lol more times than I can count at this point.

65: Have you ever copied someone elses homework?: yes lol it's how I passed spanish my second year.

66: Are you the type of person who liks to be out or at home?: depends on my mood. I have mad social anxiety so usually just wanna be at home.

67: Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up?: yes

68: Have you ever stayed up all night on the phone?: multiple times. I'm the one everyone calls when they're having a crisis. I'm always there. Always.

69: Could you use some sleep right now?: I could always use sleep

70: Are you going to have a baby by the time you’re 18?: well I'm 23 now so I'm gonna have to say no lol

71: Does it bother you when someone hides things from you?: drives me insane. All I ask for is honesty. Legit it

72: What’s your favorite color?: turquoise

73: Have you ever slept in the same room with someone you liked?: Yes lol

74: Have you ever been looking for something and it was already in your hand?: yes or my glasses on my fucking face

75: Do you get annoyed easily?: oh boy, yeah.

76: If someone liked you, would you want them to tell you?: absolutely. Life is too short to not tell the people you love how you feel.

77: Do you have a person of the opposite sex that you can tell everything to?: my best friend Griffen. Hes like my brother

78: Does anyone call you babe?: my friends do.

79: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?: maybe 2

80: What do you prefer, relationship or one night stand?" Relationship. I cant do casual even though I've tried. I'm built for relationships 🤷‍♀️

81: What color hoodie did you wear last?: black

82: Is there someone who meant alot to you at one point, and isn’t around anymore?: Yeah.....

[happycakestories]

old mx fic dump pt. 7

some particularly notable aus --  they stand out for the imagery/themes or how much i personally invested in the story

rusalka au - still love the idea of a drowning kind of love, myths of alluring water creatures, and the wet, decaying rot of old eastern european mansions - the kind that still seem to grow, wholly alive, within the marshes

cowritten w a friend who made a cool graphic :)

honey’s mom is a rusalka and his father is a korean ambassador or whatever, she was supposed to lure the dad in and kill him but she falls in love with him and gets married to this mortal, he builds a house for them near the lake she came from, she hears the voices of her brothers and sisters calling her and telling her to go back, slowly driving her insane the longer she keeps away from the water

This undead rusalka is not invariably malevolent, and would be allowed to die in peace if her death is avenged. Her main purpose is, however, to lure young men, seduced by either her looks or her voice, into the depths of said waterways where she would entangle their feet with her long red hair and submerge them.

when honey is born she gets remorseful bc he’s half a fae and she condemned him to be shunned and also his nature is supposed to be inherently dangerous so she tries to keep him away from bodies of water of any kind

but rusalki need water to live so she has to stay in the tub for a loong time very often

lots of childhood memories of him grabbing a stool and scooching to the edge of the tub as she blew pink bubbles at him

honey wonders why he’s not allowed to go near water bc he’s a child and children are nosy and during a family outing when his mom is distracted he explores and gets lured into the water bc the other rusalki kinda want to kill him to get revenge on his mother but he’s half fae and he manages to escape

when he comes back he’s changed, he has blue eyes and her fears are confirmed

so that night after saying goodbye to her husband and son she goes back to the lake and makes a deal with her brothers and sisters, she goes back with them but they must promise they’ll leave her son alone

everybody tells honey his mother drowned, but he’s suspicious bc she never went near any body of water, so he investigate and approaches the lake and sees young, beautiful rusalki floating under the water, his mother is there too but she looks so different and totally not human, he runs away in fear  and after this he develops a terrible phobia  of water bodies

every night he hears his mother sing and call him, trying to lure him in, so his father for fear of his mental health decides to move, but everywhere they go in russia, honey’s mother finds them and haunts him, so his dad decides to go back to korea, where he marries hyolyn who is the daughter of some fancy ass noble family and honey comes to love her like a good stepson but he cant forget about his mom, who is like a ghost to him, and he cant help but wonder if the memories he had of her before she drowned are even real

then he’s introduced at a fancy ass party, and honey is super shy bc he doesnt know anybody and his korean isnt that good, but at the party there’s ck too, the son of a general, and he’s a little nerd and also doesnt have many friends and he sees this super pretty boy with the most unusual eyes

and he notices this super pretty boy with the most unusual eyes

and he's shy bc his korean isnt too good also living in russia he doesnt have any friends here

who is looking around nervously since he doesn't know anyone or the language well enough

and ck falls in love at first sight bc he's shy too and a bit nerdy and doesnt have many friends

for the first time he's the one that approaches someone else

he goes over coughing out an awkward "hi" as he leans against the wall next to the other boy

blue eyes perk brightly at his prescence and the other boy also lets out a soft hi in return

it's thick and clumsy and ck immediately recognizes the slavic accent

he takes a chance and switches to russian, re-introducing himself again in the other language

he's immediatly bombarded by rapid fire russian, the blue eyed boy jabbering away with relief in his eyes AND LIKE IM IMAGINING THIS 1910's SALON YKNOW, and the two boys huddled in a corner speaking in russian

and i was thinking that they become friends and ck notices his friend is weird, he doesnt want to go swimming in the pond in summer and sometimes he looks at water with authentic terror in his eyes

but he doesnt know he's afraid to see a face under the surface

i'm figuring they're around 12-13 at this point?

jooheon's still fully draped in a high colored blouse and pants

manyeo0

YES and at first he didnt want to let ck go into the water because he was afraid his mother would snatch him

happycakeycake

won't even take off his shoes near the water

OOH GROWING UP TOGETHR

but Ck is also so genuinely enthusiastic about going to swim

so he decides to follow him to at least watch over him

but he is NOT GOING IN

"i don't understand, i mean its just pool water..." changkyun mutters even as instant regret fills his chest at the other's shaking form

happycakeycake

there has to be a scene where jooheon totally looks feral and ck is actually scared

i want dangerous jooheon sorry woops

manyeo0

that we can get man, maybe the one time honey (as an adult tho) gets into the water

and ck is scared and turned on at the same time

happycakeycake

omg DUDE what if he almost gives into his instinct

and drowns ck

manyeo0

also my dude i want this fic to be FILTH Y

happycakeycake

but he snaps back in time

manyeo0

and then cue underwater sex like in movie

happycakeycake

to push ck back to the surface and onto the bank

manyeo0

s

happycakeycake

HOHA

manyeo0

yes man

i want the filth

manyeo0

romantic, pretty filth

happycakeycake

AND HE LOOKS UP INTO BRIGHT EYES, PUPILS SLITTING INTO THIN LINES OF BLACK

LIKE AN IDLE BOAT DROWNED INTO TWO ENDLESS POOLS

HE CAN'T LOOK AWAY

manyeo0

YES

happycakeycake

BUT HE GREW UP SO MUCH

manyeo0

WAHAHAH AND THATS THE ONE TIME JOOHEON ISNT THE SUB

happycakeycake

OH POWERBOTTOM JOOHEON COUGH

manyeo0

OOOH MAN

manyeo0

YES

happycakeycake

OMG OF COURSE

manyeo0

fucking on the riverbank

happycakeycake

like reeds and fallen petals from the water clinging to his body as he pulls onto the bank

pushing ck down onto the mossy ground

he can feel the wetness sinking in through his clothes but he can't bring himself to move

not with jooheon sat naked and wet as the day he was born, staring down at him

manyeo0

joklkllflfklfkfdlkd

happycakeycake

and then he gets ridden an inch withinhis life woops yep i can't write porn anymore

manyeo0

AND HE'S LIKE "I SHOULD BRING U TO THE RIVER MORE OFTEN WHOOPS"

happycakeycake

and all he gets in a response is sharp teeth against his neck, biting harshly before pressing a soft kiss against it

he shivers but makes no move to shrink away

manyeo0

my aesthetic for this fic is lots of water and lots of filth

happycakeycake

i love that please

and dark green moss

dark woods with decaying trees sticking out of rivers

manyeo0

maybe ck gets sent to one of those military schools

happycakeycake

nooOOOOOO

omg but when he comes back

manyeo0

and honey keeps studying at home and they only see each other when ck is back home but they write letters

happycakeycake

both of them would 've changed so much

YES

and ck gets progressively worried as the letters become rambled and messy

manyeo0

MGMGD

happycakeycake

jooheon's thoughts jumbling into conflicting opinions about the rivers and lakes

JOOHEON KINKILY DROWNS GUNHEE

happycakeycake

there's something so satisfying in the way the other man's eyes dull and his heartbeat lulls to a stop against jooheon's own chest

manyeo0

IOFOFJSMSMDN

he'd be horrified if he knew man

also i posted the thing

happycakeycake

he can't hold himself back from stealing the man's last breath of air with a searing kiss

swallowing his last gasp and sealing their mouths together until he grows completely limp in jooheon's hold

happycakeycake

oh my god but like what if changkyun totally saw that poor man walk into the lake

manyeo0

OJJDJDDDKKS

happycakeycake

and jooheon rises out of the surface, only able to whisper out a "hi" as changkyun's eyes widen in horror

and then the whole sex scene happens

manyeo0

OGHH HIT

YES

happycakeycake

except he totally forces him during it to promise to forget about it

i just want a scene of jooheon reveling in the extent of his full powers, breathing in the scent of the waters as the moon drapes across his skin

and changkyun can only watch to the side, terror and awe all mixed into one

-----------

The dry gravel gives way under Changkyun’s boots into the ever-familiar softness of wet moss, as he makes his way back home.

Hoseok always jokes that he’s going to become a forest hermit one day, but what with the continually mounting stress at work, the younger sergeant is starting to seriously consider it as a viable option.

Even the annoying scratch and tug of wild branches against his uniform seems almost playful and comforting this evening. His uniform coat, brocaded with a once-flourishing embroidery of a yellow bird, is slung casually over his shoulder as the forest gives him its usual clinging welcome.

It wouldn’t be quite an exaggeration to say that he was forest-dweller, since he had literally settled down inside a patch of quiet, secluded woods, easily buying up an acre or two of unused land to live on.

The dense underbrush finally opens to a quiet grass bank. It’s perpetually secluded - the forest hunching inwards like a mother, leafy arms spreading wide to block out almost all traces of sunlight. Everything flourishes in the dark, moss and mud squishing wetly underfoot as they appear in larger and larger pieces towards the pond.

Well, it’s more of a lake than anything: deep and dark enough to hide any man’s secret. Dilapidated trees, raised half mast in the water, reach with stiff branches for any kind of light, even as they inevitably rot deeper into the water with each passing day.  

And all of this is Changkyun’s home.

He plops down at the edge of the bank with a content sigh, relaxing fully even as freezing wetness seeps through his trousers. His reflection is clear and unbroken when he leans over the water, a perfect mirror image of serious brows and slim cheeks.

He leans closer, enough so that his nose could kiss against his mirror self’s, his hair could dip against the dark surface, and his lips could press a cold greeting to his home.

His face is only a millimeter away from touching the lake when he’s grabbed and pulled face-first into the water, pale wrists and outstretched palms flashing across his vision to latch onto his collar.

The initial panic and breathlessness soothes over when a familiar softness fastens itself wetly over his frozen scream. His vision shadows over, and Changkyun can’t tell if his eyes or closed or if it’s the unreachable darkness of the water.

Either way he pushes back, hands coming up to grope for full cheeks and bare shoulders as he bites against a plush mouth. A gasp comes out, muffled into tiny air bubbles, rising and popping towards the lake surface.  

In a few seconds he follows, gasping and collapsing onto the bank, mouth raw as it’s assaulted by the chilling air. He sits up as quickly as possible, lungs protesting and limbs groaning when he raises himself up to glance toward the water.

Vectored ripples streamline across the surface, flowing into a direct stop in front of his dangled legs. The bottomless reflection breaks into a pale face and lake-slick hair -  slitted pools of blue that sit atop of round cheeks which bunch into dimpled glee.

“Darling!” pierces through the air as a happy shout from pink lips, cupid’s bow arching in obvious delight. The cooed syllables roll off in thick Russian, curling gutturally through a taut throat.

“How was your day?” Changkyun replies simply, switching abruptly to Korean and exaggerating each word teasingly as he watches his lover frown in immediate discontent.

“I- miss - missed you,” Jooheon slowly replies, choosing each word with careful consideration as he forces away the Slavic sounds fighting to escape through his throat.

It all started many, many years ago, in Russia, Vladimir district, in a villa next to a lake.

---

The thing Jooheon liked the most about his mother was her hair.

Most of the time she wore it pinned on top of her head, or coiled in elegant braids that framed her face. When she let it down it fell in heavy, wavy tresses, red and shiny as polished copper. She let him run his little hands through the silky locks, and sometimes he helped her untangle the most stubborn knots with her favourite silver brush. It was difficult to choose the thing he loved the most about her, because in his mind Mother was absolute perfection: she was beautiful and wise, she had strong and nimble hands and the softest voice he had ever heard.

Jooheon had inherited her pale hair and pale skin and her heart shaped lips, but the cut and shape of his eyes, their colour, those were like his father’s, Mr. Lee. He was an ambassador from Korea, which was very far away from Russia, and didn’t look like his wife at all. He even spoke a different language, and hired a teacher who taught Jooheon how to write and speak it correctly. It sounded strange to Jooheon’s ears, and so different from the lazy drawl of Russian, but he did his best because it made Father proud and Mother happy.

Not that his father was home much: he spent most of the year in Moscow to tend to his business, which made Jooheon’s mother sad, though she tried not to let it show. She wasn’t very happy in that big wooden villa all by herself, with only her little son, his teachers and a couple of maids to keep her company. Jooheon was very young at the time but he understood that his mother felt lonely and he always tried to do his best to cheer her up.

She especially got a wistful, far-away look in her eyes when she glanced at the lake next to the house, which was strange, since she never even walked close to it.

In fact, she seemed to have a deathly, unbreakable fear of all bodies of water, not just the lake, but rivers and small streams too. Jooheon was forbidden to go near water, not even on hot summer days when he would’ve loved to take a swim in the mossy lake to refresh himself. His doctor had suggested it once and Mother had been so upset she had almost thrown the poor man out of the door.

One day, Jooheon had asked her about it. He was sitting on the cold tiled floor of her bathroom, his fingers idly tracing the shape of one of the bath’s clawed brass feet, while his mother blew rose-perfumed bubbles at him. “Mother, why are you afraid of water?” His mother had let out a very unlady-like snort “Why do you ask that, pchelka? I’m taking a bath in water right now, am I not?” Little Jooheon had scoffed, knowing she didn’t intend on answering his question seriously. “I don’t mean that! I mean, why are you scared of the lake, or the streams and rivers? Why don’t you ever want to go swimming in the lake?”

This time, his mother had glanced at him through narrowed, impossibly blue eyes, so different from his own, and he had felt a sort of chill go through him. It felt like looking down a well full of icy cold water, knowing it could suck you in at any moment.

“I’m not scared of anything, pchelka. I just don’t like moving water too much. You never know what’s hiding beneath the surface. Something might grab your pretty little foot while you’re swimming and you’d never see the light of day again!” She had started tickling him then, his laughter bouncing through the tiled walls, and every thought about water and its mysterious depths was momentarily forgotten.

-

It all came back to him one day, a couple of years later.

At seven, Jooheon was still a small, pudgy boy with round dimpled cheeks and curly blonde hair. His mother and all the maids doted on him, they called him pchelka, solnyshko, angel. His father - those rare times he saw him, for he still spent the best part of his time in Moscow - wasn’t as affectionate, but he seemed satisfied with his progresses and always brought him presents from the city, such as intricate egg puzzles, imported sweets and books.

Mother received silver combs shaped like dragonflies, silk dresses that floated around her figure like gentle waves, and more diamond necklaces and earrings than she could possibly wear in that secluded house in the forest, where nobody could see them. Her only chance to show her off where the fancy parties Ambassador Lee attended in Moscow. On some occasions, he brought his family along, his wife (“my lovely Dar'ja” as he would introduce her) as radiant as ever, his little son adorably awkward, nervous from all the attention he would get as a mixed child born of an Asian man and a Russian woman.

Jooheon didn’t like those parties much, they felt so fake and stifling, and he was always immensely glad to be back to his quiet villa by the lake, with its creaky wooden floors and the fading paintwork on the walls.

There was something about the perpetual wetness of the wood - the way it creaked and gave way underfoot, as if the water in it had made it alive, shift, and grow with every slap of his chubby feet.

The city maids always shook their heads at the mess, stomping their heels in disgust at clumps of rich moss creeping up in damp corners and whispering about how it’s not good for the mistress nor the young master, for that matter, to be in these kinds of conditions. For all their hard efforts though, one rainy day later and the lake would be back to its original state: creaky, wet, rich, and alive.

As much as his mother guarded against lakes or any form of wild contact with water, Jooheon can see the unfiltered want behind the frenzied fear in her pale eyes. He understands the feeling - the same pull rising up within him every time his bare toes gripped dewed grass, every time the splatter of rain on his windows sent him into a panic, nerves driving him into a state of suspended alertness.

It’s these moments where he and his mother sought each other out, simultaneously as if on instinct. She would cradle his pulsing head to her chest, wrapping her own thinly clad, nightgowned body around his own, their hearts pounding to the same erratic rhythm. It’s the only thing that can calm him down enough to sleep: the fiery curtain of his mother’s loose, long hair soothing him safely back into the land of dreams.

"pet” / mafia au

GENERAL AESTHETICS:  “it got her on her knees like religion” “every saturday night i get dressed up to get ready to ride for you baby” “movie stars and liquor stores and soft decay” “so imma care for you, you, you, you, yeah” “if i cannot move heaven, i will raise all of hell for you”

PET AU: jooheon’s a quiet pet but he watches everything his master does with wide, brown eyes. They say he’s too docile, too vapid, too silent, but well - he just wants to be good for the man he loves.  https://ton.twitter.com/1.1/ton/data/dm/920057578448670730/920057561562451969/D8Lvlc_K.jpg:large

https://ton.twitter.com/i/ton/data/dm/920750240050933765/920750232492822536/3Wm36U-f.jpg:large

https://ton.twitter.com/i/ton/data/dm/920750283805904900/920750273085280261/xQ7RY3nU.jpg:large

https://ton.twitter.com/i/ton/data/dm/920750203677921285/920750186447753216/vTzzE4p6.jpg:large

https://ton.twitter.com/i/ton/data/dm/920750190239330316/920750166130520064/kFTbt0ay.jpg:large

Playlist: “le noir” by bap, “ribbon in the sky” by bap → only for action scenes maybe, “Galaxy” by Ladies Code, “All about You” by Taemin → beginning 1st part of video  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEURku1dTfU), “move” by taemin, “in the night” by the weeknd, “Wires” by the neighborhood-Minhyuk?, “White Noise (Chinese Version)” by EXO - in Jooheon’s absence, MAYBE TAEMIN STUFF IN GENERAL (Press It album - song → sexuality→ Until Today (it's perfect!!!) → Ace → Experience), “Burning Desire” by Lana Del Rey, “Gangsta” by Kehlani, BANKS MUSIC,

Scenes:

Confrontation: “We only wanted to rough him up a little for show,” Minhyuk sighs, nudging a hard toe against the soft, pale flesh of Jooheon’s thigh. The pet whimpers, warbling and desperate, and tries to shuffle away on bound, bloody knees. The same shiny black dress shoe comes stomping down over bare skin a second later, dragging out a raw cry of pain from between Jooheon’s torn lips. Jackson digs stinging half-moon crescents into his palm with the bloody tips of his blunt nails. Still, he stays silent.

“But, well-” the slender man kneels down on one leg, all coiled grace and deadly power as he takes Jooheon’s stained cheek in hand with feigned tenderness. “He made it a little too hard for us in the process,” a thumb digs into the exact spot where Jackson knows a dimple would sit during a deep smile, and Minhyuk smiles benevolently, “didn’t you pet?”

Minhyuk + jooheon interactions:

The bargain: Jackson reaches for the man, the leader’s outstretched hand, making sure to keep his fingers strong. Judging from the other’s pointed grimace, it’s a little too much. He bares his teeth in a smile anyway.

“Welcome, Wang Jia Er.” He keeps his expression open. “Please, call me Jackson.” Whispers arise immediately, like the chirping of crickets on a late summer’s night, and a laugh bubbles in the back of his throat. Jackson finally relaxes his grip, smile poised even as Howon’s hand comes to wipe casually against his fitted trousers. It’s bargain day, he reminds himself.

Howon nods, the cutting edge of his jawline turning to jerk towards the second room, bordered by the casual exoticness of an imperial era styled door, intricate lace-like designs carved out of fine mahogany and painted a fading red. Red for luck, his mother’s voice twines like threads of yarn knit with slender fingers through his hair. Red for marriage, his father’s crumbling visage breathes from behind his shoulder, the choking smoke of cigarettes winding a loose remnant around Jackson’s throat.

Red for power, he tells himself, a quiet echo within the blank space of his own mind.

He’s led into the intricately designed room, two rows of men flanking him loosely from both sides in a uniformed wall of black lapels and sharp white button-downs as they go. Inside, his nose is invaded by the curling scent of smoke, sweeping him into a momentary lapse of forgetfulness as images of decadent 19th century opium dens rip off from his wrinkled textbook pages and balloon inside his mind. Jackson huffs out a heavy breath at the decaying pictures, tasting the filmy sensation of marijuana clinging like a summer’s cup of sugary lemonade against his tongue.

The sunken-eyed, emaciated stare of poppy-drugged prostitutes have been replaced by the straight backs of bare-legged pets, kneeled so obediently in front of their masters Jackson’s arrival barely turns any of their steady gazes. He can’t say the same for his own impulsive curiosity.

Howon strides forward with calculated, casual steps, weaving past stained upholstery and scattered silk cushions until Jackson finds himself presented before a simple rectangular table, bare, save for a spotless china ashtray, surrounded by wood-backed recliners that all boast the same exotic design carved into the doorway border. They’re grouped into seats for two at the short sides of the table, then a seat for four lined up against the top edge, and finally a single chair placed directly on the opposite side to finish up the quadruplet seating. The hard tip of Howon’s shiny dress shoes stop right at the edge of the rigid circle, the rest of his men flocking behind him like a pack of well-dressed deadly penguins.

Jackson carefully seats himself in the single chair, spreading his legs and leaning forward with his elbows against his knees, shoulders relaxed and open. The wood of the chair shakes and creaks loudly on its spindly legs.

A pause. Howon’s dress shoes click in deliberate movement.

Howon’s penguin men begin shuffling in, taking up their invisible spots around the table with waddling gaits as their boss stalks among them, a panther among their midst. They all settle into the same position, legs bared, smiles plastered, all leaned in towards Jackson as Howon places himself directly opposite of him, hooking his legs together with a quiet shift of slightly too-tight fabric. Jackson notes the way the other man’s slacks pull and wrinkle like a fan’s folded edges around his crotch. He twitches testily within his own seat, looking up to catch Howon’s glowering expression with his cheery own.

Finally, the fine china of the untouched ashtray seems to come into use as the other man lights a simmering cigarette, roiling smoke unfurling from the slit of his mouth as he takes in a choppy inhale, releasing it in the same brisk manner. Smoking was always absolutely prohibited when training with weapons, but Jackson admits he quite likes how hazy it makes Howon appear in the seedy lighting of the underground den. Now, on his father’s harsh breath, that’s a completely different story. He keeps his smile pleasant, eyebrows rising just a fraction in surprise when a waft of cancerous fog brushes his way. He waits, and the cigarette is stubbed out against white china with a sizzling hiss, the red of its embers fading into black tar that spreads itself out along the pristine bottom of the previously untouched tray like a malignant tumor.

“So,” Howon puffs out one last trace of wispy smoke, “What’s your deal?”

Jackson can’t stop his smile from twitching, widening just a fraction across his face. He leans forward even more, back curved, fingers interlaced loosely at the knuckles as he rattles off every detail from the tip of his tongue: “167 shipments of illegal firearms to your district the minute our supply arrives from overseas on the first of each month - that’s roughly around 2000 per year entirely for your group alone. Free access through our subway tunnels for anything you need, and of course - solidarity for any-” Jackson flicks a hand at some invisible dust mite in the air, “-power struggles.”

Howon sits there, eyes grey, legs poised in his too-tight pants as he works down the last bit of smoke in his system. Despite everything, Jackson can see the purring glimmer of satisfaction in the other’s stone-cold gaze. “

And?” The other man prompts, shifting forward, hands clasped in front of his thin lips as he finally faces Jackson. “What do you want from me?”

Jackson’s words rattle off his tongue, smooth and rehearsed: “Complete and free movement through your district, all the way past the Gyeonggi-do station.” Howon’s single arched eyebrow reads something akin to that’s it? and Jackson’s mouth immediately gets the better of him as he finds himself blurting out, “Maybe one your pretty little pets as well,” motioning towards the boys and girls, lounging, supple and silent, outside of their tense bargaining ring.

Howon’s straight mouth finally twists, the man unable to keep the amusement off his face at the younger man’s brazen request. “Why not?” he chuckles dryly, bending deep at the waist before pushing himself upright on strong thighs. “A symbol of our union: your guns in exchange for a warm body to keep you company on cold, lonely nights.” He smiles openly for the first time since their meeting, teeth straight and canines sharp. Jackson has the distinct feeling he’s being made fun, but well, Howon isn’t exactly wrong.

This time, it’s Howon stepping out first through the ring of carved chairs, all his men rising to follow, leaving Jackson to exit last. He’s led through another rigid set of dusted hallways, only made worse by the rotting tapestries draped over the walls with fading beauties clad in kimonos, hanfus, and the like. Jackson has to admit, the other man’s sense of appropriation is quite elegant, even though it lacks something to be desired in the cleaning department. He keeps his pace even, lagging towards the bottom end of the group as he watches Howon pull a man forward, conversing with him in hushed tones and subtle motions. There’s nothing left for Jackson to be worried about, but he finds himself anticipatory for the first time in the long months since his assumption.

The room they come to must be the heart of the den, Jackson considers, stepping inside, practically pushed towards the middle of the circle by an imperceptible pressure. It’s covered entirely in silk drapery, tapestries and knotted curtains slipping down the walls onto the floors, floors that are a pool of various cushions and round beds, barely a hint of grey cement able to peek through the garish colors of the silk. Jackson wrinkles his nose for the barest of seconds; the musk of sweat and perfume permeates like a fog throughout the room.

“Namjoon,” Howon’s voice echoes throughout the room, nodding slightly at the man Jackson watched him converse with before. “Bring them in.”

The other man-Namjoon, bends almost imperceptibly at the waist before striding out the room, slipping out through an easy chink in the circle’s armor. Jackson blinks once in vague surprise, and the circle is formed once again, no weaknesses to be found. Howon turns toward him with a patient grin, and Jackson shoots back his own tight smile.

The mind-numbing incense of the pressure in the room grows, and he shoves his hands into his pockets, steadying his fingers against sweaty palms. He waits.

-

The familiar tap of dress shoes sound, muffled over the scattered layer of cushions on the cement floor. Jackson looks up, hands tensed within his pockets to see the penguin ring rearranging itself into lumped bunches as Namjoon re-enters the room, the hard pound of his boots followed by an unfamiliar string of soft brushing footsteps, the imprint of their sound pressed like dandelion dust into silk by light, bare feet.

Bare feet, long legs, all pale flesh on show as Jackson watches, breath caught, as a line of collared boys and girls kneel onto the floor of cushions, turning to him the open edge of their cheek with wide eyes and ramrod straight backs. The last one files in, presenting himself in the same fashion, but, huh - the entire curve of his porcelain collarbones to his arched throat is noticeably bare of any thick bands of leather. He lingers, just for a moment, on the pet’s bowed head and turns back to face Namjoon with a relaxed smile plastered over his face again. It’s time to negotiate.

“This is it?” he prompts, leaning back a little, rolling his shoulders ever so slightly in the tight confines of his suit jacket. The other man responds to his jibe with a quick flash of short canines, light dimples dipping into an angled jaw as he casually pushes the starched sleeves of his shirt up to his elbows. Tattoos, Jackson notes, with a jaunty raise of an eyebrow. The Virgin Mary winds her way up the man’s veined forearm in a picturesque coloring of black and grey, save for the sickly green tears rolling down her 2D cheeks. Religious? No can’t be it, Jackson decides, dampening a snort as he notes the two stark lines that form the upside down cross adorning the knuckle of Namjoon’s middle finger.

“I’ll have you know,” Namjoon comments, calm and frank, stepping beside the first pet and lightly running the crook of his finger over her cheek, “our pets are trained thoroughly in all aspects of behavior.” A response comes almost immediately as she dips her head back against his touch, the perfect picture of pretty obedience. Jackson’s stomach jumps at her unreadable glance. Satisfied, the other man lifts away his tattooed hand, straightening himself with a smug, dimpled smile.

“Of course, that’s not to say they don’t have any personality - isn’t that right Youngjae?” He moves onto the next pet, a boy with pink, perked lips who shoots Jackson a puffy, dark glare as Namjoon’s inked fingers come to rest under his sharp chin. Instead of following the tilt of the man’s hand, the kneeled pet bites, jerking a tan digit into his glossy pout, catching it in a hard flash of white teeth. Still, Namjoon only chuckles, wrenching back his thumb and wiping it casually up Youngjae’s flushed cheek in a long, possessive motion. There’s barely a hint of the bite against the skin of the other man’s finger, and Jackson watches the pet settle back down against the cushion, lidded gaze once again fixed upon the silk in front of him without a sound of protest. What a show, he considers carefully as Namjoon moves on to the next kneeled pet.

Of course, he’s thoroughly interested, perhaps even fascinated by these pets, almost inhuman creatures that bare themselves so transparently before an entire room of black-eyed men, before his own stare without a moment of hesitation in their absolute submission. Even for the ones like Youngjae, feigning at spitefulness, the automatic reaction of their bodies when Namjoon approaches, quickly gives them away in their convincing play. Still, to give credit where credit’s due, Jackson can’t help but wonder, just exactly how the other man has got all these wispy, pretty things turning towards him like he could somehow hand them the moon on the string with just a simple brush of a blasphemous finger at their jaws, under their throats, through fluffed hair, and against pouted cheeks. He can’t say his own pocketed hands haven’t begin to itch, urged, just slightly to touch, with the careless affection Namjoon gives and inexorably receives with every passing pet.

It’s been too long on his own, too cold without at least the casual embrace of another human body. Jackson had thought himself stronger without it, but, scanning over the blatant display of soft, bared flesh before him, he considers the possibility of self-sabotage.

The end of the chain of murmured introductions finally reaches the last kneeled pet, and Jackson looks down, a short spark of remembrance tripping in his mind. He was the only one without a collar, Jackson notes, eyes traveling over the open skin along a pale neck all the way down to exposed collarbones. The pet wears the same half-unbuttoned dress shirt, spread across wide shoulders to show off an expanse of unmarked flesh, paired with black silk shorts, barely a hint of its hem peeking out beneath draped linen, and the rest of it practically swallowed by the thick muscle of bared thighs. He looks up at Jackson now, gaze a hazy mix of brewed coffee, hazelnuts, and a clear night’s sky, and Jackson swallows around the sudden lump in his mouth. He does his best to stare back, steady but not demanding, and all he receives is a dreamy blink from sleepy fox eyes.

There it is again - the twitch in his fingers, the hot irritation against his palms. Peach round cheeks call for the lightest of pinches, the glossy curve of a sharp cupid’s bow tempt an errant finger. Jackson has never met a cherub with such inky black hair, swirling in wisps of silk across gently fluttering eyelashes. The pet tilts his head, baring the translucent vein of his collarless neck in the dusty yellow lighting of the drug den, and Jackson is compelled to cover the spotless skin there with his own calloused, scarred palms.  

What is something so vulnerable, so soft doing here, trapped, in a place like this?

The compulsion grows stronger, to do more than watch - rather to touch, to cover, to protect, and Jackson realizes it’s too late when Namjoon’s gone silent, when the whole room has fallen into a smoky hush because somehow, suddenly, there’s a warm cheek pillowing itself into the curve his palms, black silk nuzzling over his jumping pulse, and the innocent brown light of two upturned orbs drawing him in like a silent siren’s song. He can’t breath for an eternity of uncountable seconds.

“I see Jooheon has already introduced himself to you.” Namjoon’s deep baritone rings through Jackson’s jumbled thoughts, and his hand inadvertently flinches against the lenient curve of the pet’s - Jooheon’s - proffered flesh. A soft chirrup echoes over his palm, and his attention is drawn down to a pair of full lips, pulled into an expression Jackson would call a strangely petulant pout.

“Feeling forward today, hmm?” the other man hums, so sweet it’s like a mother cooing to her baby, and Jackson watches the same tattooed hand that had caressed so many others, thread itself into gleaming locks, pressing and kneading until Jooheon’s porcelain neck is arching backwards in plain submission. His own hand falls empty to the side, only a heated imprint left along its flattened palm.

Jackson forces himself to speak, to keep up an unfazed pretense, even as Namjoon’s ink-stained finger begins winding its way down the stretch of Jooheon’s bared neck, the upside down cross of his middle knuckle pressing against the hollow indent at the base of the pet’s collarbones. “So,” he prompts, voice raw and rough, “why no collar?”

It’s like he hasn’t been heard at all as Namjoon’s reverent touches continue for a few moments, arched gaze completely focused on the slight part of the pet’s supple mouth. He’s about to dislodge the awkward cough in back of his throat, when finally, the other man straightens with an age-old sigh, hand slipping, reluctant, from Jooheon’s unmarred throat. He slips the same hand into his pocket, shoulders flat, a perfect mirror of Jackson’s posture as his voice hardens into the same deep register from before.

“Simply put, he doesn’t talk.” He glances back down, meeting Jooheon’s diaphanous gaze, eyes softening for the barest of moments before looking up again. “We know he can understand us, but ever since we found him three years ago, he hasn’t uttered a single word. The clients are, to say the least, a little put off by his muteness.” Namjoon sighs again, body depressing with the strong exhale as if from some sense of personal disappointment, and Jackson’s heart picks up pace again as he picks through the hidden implications behind the other man’s statement.

Broken, not good enough, a simple piece of decoration, abandoned, pushed off to the side - and perhaps his for the taking.

“I want this one.”

Jackson is brazen, unflinching as he steps forward, the remnant of heat on his clenched hand drawn, magnetized, to Jooheon’s tilted stare, and he boldly declares his newfound intent with his gaze directly on Namjoon’s and his grip at the side of the pet’s sluggish pulse. A vibration sounds against his palm, and he finds himself stroking his thumb absentmindedly over the edge of a rounded jaw, soothing away what suspiciously sounds like whines under the rough pad of his finger.

Namjoon’s sharp gaze shifts minutely towards his boss, who’s lit up another acrid cigarette between his stern lips, some kind of invisible assent passing between the smoke curling through the room before he’s turning back to Jackson, eyes narrowed with an unpleasant twist to his mouth. “Don’t be brash. I mean, I’ve just told you what’s wrong with him - are you absolutely sure?”

An ugly twitch convulses through Jooheon’s previously smooth pulse, and Jackson tightens his grip around the back of the pet’s neck until the minute shaking finally subsides into his touch. “Of course.” He smiles, baring his teeth in what Kihyun calls his absolutely shit-eating grin.

Namjoon frowns, a dark shadow flitting over the hard edges of his expression, and Jackson tenses in preparation for another growled protest, but then Howon’s cold-steel voice is ringing through the thick air between them, dispelling the argument with the sharp incense of his smoking cigarette.

“Let him have what he wants. After all-” he takes another drag of the burning cancer stick, its flaring embers illuminated in his dead gaze, “what more could you want than a pet that would never talk back to its master? Perhaps,” he blows out another trail of gray smoke, pinched eyes turning on Jooheon for a second, “maybe even more should learn from his example.”

Jackson smiles, the lines of his face tight, and he nods his silent thanks. Howon returns it with a minute twitch of his own lips, and motions with a careless sweep of his hand for everyone to file out of the room. His men blend into an amorphous grouping of plain back as they sweep out the door, and the pets rise to their bare feet, following after them in a line of pure white. Jackson strains his neck, catching Jooheon’s hazy coffee and stardust eyes with an attempt at a genuine grin. He receives a slight perk of lips, complete with a hint of dimples, before Jooheon (pet, his mind whispers) is gone, the curled crown of his jet black head melting back into a sea of black and white.

Namjoon stares as he stalks past Jackson, the last one out of the room save for Jackson himself and Howon. His stringent gaze is unreadable, and the young boss watches the hunched lines of his back disappear out through the carved doorway before deciding to wipe away the worry in his mind for other much more pressing thoughts. Namely, thoughts about his newly acquired pet with the face of a cherub, the stare of an oracle, and the voice of a trapped songbird. Jackson is determined to hear him sing somehow.

Howon flicks the cigarette to the floor, grinding it into ash with the heel of his shoe as he regards Jackson with something akin to acceptance as he finally strides towards the empty doorway. “He’ll be sent your way shortly. Please feel free to wait outside.”

He gestures with an upturned palm towards Jackson’s direction, and they shake hands again, meeting each other’s gazes with unfiltered intentions. Howon smiles, broad lines indenting themselves into each cheek, the top row of his teeth glinting like a full moon on a dark night.

“It was good doing business with you.”

Sleep with me: (it’s after the first afternoon of the bargain)

Jackson's brought Jooheon home, got him all soft and settled in his room with a big fancy upholstered bed as he sits behind his desk to finish up some work, quietly observing the pet occasionally the entire time. Jooheon is technically allowed to roam free, but he only sits at the foot of Jackson's bed dozing with his head and arms propped against a corner, looking up ever so often out through the open windows and over at Jackson. Jackson gets up every 30 minutes or so, just to squat down next to the pet, looking him in the eyes only to receive a sleepy blink and he can't help but run his hands through fluffed locks as Jooheon coos contentedly into his hand. He always wonders if Jooheon needs anything, if he ever wants to get up, but it doesn't ever seem like it so the come and go kinda cycle continues until it's dark and Jackson's stripping messily out of his jacket and pants to go to bed - all nightly rituals forgone for today due to the big deal. And there's Jooheon, still propped against the bed, watching him out of the corner of sleek eyes, pale thighs a creamy contrast against the dark wood of his floor and jackson's plodding over on bare feet, squatting again for a last time, patting lightly at chubby cheeks as Jooheon props his head up to smile at him and Jackson's like "...I'll be going to bed now"

And Jooheon's plain smile only continues, nodding a little as Jackson begins slipping under his covers, and of course Jackson can only sit there, warm and suffocating in bed as he watches Jooheon's dark head lay back down against the corner of the mattress, legs still coiled against the cold hardwood floors - and it its him, he hasn't given permission yet. So then he's throwing back the covers, and scooching to the edge of the bed and cradling his palm under Jooheon's cotton soft cheek again, lifting the pet to look up at him and there's little red wrinkles of sheet imprints against Jooheon's round cheeks and jackson's heart twinges w such a sore ache he doesn't know how to reach out without immediately forcing himself onto the pet and scaring him off. Jooheon just blinks at him, brown eyes liquid and hazy with sleep, almost pouting indignantly. and Jackson, just reaches the same hand through his hair, smoothing back rumpled bangs, over and over again, scratching lightly at the pet's scalp as Jooheon's neck arches in his grasp and he's wiping a thumb over the red marks on Jooheon's face as he whispers "Sleep with me?" patting lightly at the silk clad body of his bed. Jooheon's cocking his head for a few seconds, staring at Jackson with soft open eyes and the older man is almost scared he wasn't understand - but then there's a sleeved hand pulling around his arm and he's automatically hauling up jooheon by his waist, the light weight of arms looping around his neck as the sweet scent of warmth and strangely dried flowers blooms through his nose. Jooheon's cradled in his lap, smooth legs curled up over his tanned own and jackson looks wonderingly down at his hands, practically melting into the curve of Jooheon's waist (Ref: https://ton.twitter.com/i/ton/data/dm/920418165968003077/920418148964212736/eph4Vr04.jpg:large ) All curled in Jackson's lap, wisps of hair brushing against the other's cheek Jackson is casually just holding Jooheon, feeling the way a warm soft body is shifting against his and of course Jooheon is still clad in the "uniform" of the other pets a plain loose white dress shirt and a pair of fine silk shorts. He's roughly fingering the edge of said shorts, looking over when a breathy whine comes past his cheek and he hikes the pet up higher in his lap, securing both hands around his waist and asks slowly, calmly "what kind of clothes do you like Jooheon?" He's receiving that same tilted stare again, eyes slit in an unreadable moment of consideration and jackson finds himself stroking casually at the pet's flank, some kind of strange reassurance he supposes. (like even getting a pet in the first place was only a power play, but now that he has one that's so soft...he's not sure how to handle him) Then there's a rounded finger poking, tracing down his bare chest and he has to stop himself from reacting at the sudden thrill that runs through him, following the pet's lidded gaze towards his own bare chest and he can't help but sigh, even as he tightens his grip around the other's supple waist like "You really don't talk, do you?" but the finger keeps poking, insistent, and there's a high whine reverberating at the edge of his cheek as Jooheon adamantly pushes up against Jackson's bare chest and Jackson really doesn't understand, no clothes? His chest? Naked? But then frustrated, a little huff of breath tickles along the column of his neck and the finger turns to point at the scattered pile of loose t shirts on the back of a dressing chair at the other corner of his room and Jackson tentatively tries "...My clothes?" and suddenly there's a happy coo of approval, sliding like silk over his collarbones and Jooheon's dark head of hair is bobbing eagerly as he re-situates himself back into the cradle between Jackson's legs. The next morning Jackson is pulling a droopy Jooheon by a limp wrist over to his closet and opening the entire thing as he gently pushes Jooheon in front of him  and he's stating calmly into Jooheon's ear, lips brushing past wayward curls, pressing the center of his palm into the small of the other's back like “Choose whatever you want" and then there's a small sound of wonderment in the back of Jooheon's throat and he's carefully approaching the vast closet. Pushing and pulling things aside so slowly if Jackson closed his eyes he wouldn't be able to hear a thing, but he waits, patient, watching as he carelessly rifles through his own suits and pulling a pair on. But when there's finally a soft pair of footsteps behind him, he looks over to see Jooheon clad in one of his old, ratty oversized winter sweaters, collarbones entirely on show, still bared neck too vulnerable in the warm morning light. The hem of the sweater is most definitely too long, falling midway to bare thighs that all jackson can see is leg and more leg, he gets the cocked head look for the third time since the bargain, and all he can focus on is the long stretch of skin at Jooheon's neck. The only thing he can do to distract himself from Jooheon's suddenly more scandalous choice of fashion, is to draw the pet close, wrapping the callused skin of his palm over the other's dimpled cheeks as he mutters "We've got to get you a collar soon." in which he receives a purring sound of approval sleeved fingers come up to clutch gently at his wrist, keeping his hand there as Jooheon presses himself happily into Jackson's grip.

Outside perspective: Word spreads fast that the boss is entirely enamored, even obsessed, with his new pet. Kihyun notes the daily gossip with a blank face and open ears. He can’t refute it; Jackson practically brings Jooheon with him wherever he goes - regardless of societal propriety.

You like sweets?:

He needs glasses: probably kihyun again?

A pet for a pet: kitty

“You really don’t talk, do you?”: probably the whole “jackson” “master” thing

What else would it be used for?: kihyun being mean

“I need to be careful tonight - for you”: the party

--- cowritten with and conceived with the brilliant @deardystopia

Blind/mute magic au

in one of those fantasy universes where everyone happily coexists and the humans live well in the world w/ other magical creatures

and jooheon's just your typical neighborhood witch

but what if he was cursed somehow when he was younger and so he's blind

but he still manages to get around well enough and every week there’s a delivery boy to help get him materials and to send off the charms he makes

its like a quiet and domestic life but what if his usual delivery boy gets switched for someone else

because they're doing their new spring reshuffling thing so older employees get a new route and the new ones get to learn the old ones

and so changkyun is one of the new delivery boys and its one of the few jobs he feels safe enough doing w/ his disability - he's deaf

and so the old delivery boy knew about Jooheon's disability and knew how to work with that, knowing which wards on the door he should purposefully set off to let the witch know he was there

RIGHT LIKE IM JUST IMAGINING jars with dried flowers and crystal sunlight filtering through open windows as jooheon makes some tea for ck

ok so like usually jooheon's used to the right wards going off and so the delivery boy will just leave the package and then take the already pre-wrapped and pre-set charms to ship off

but like this time it feels completely different and so he gets up to go an d check

so like ck standing there awkwardly cause he doesn't see a doorbell and decides to knock on the door but then it swings open on its own to reveal the owner of the house

i kinda think jooheon would wear like soft browns and whites, like a white turtleneck probs

and changkyun probably layers w/ a ton of jackets and plaid and jeans?

that’s what i was thinking

like this kinda look w/o the kiddy stuff for jh and ck's hairstyle for that too

ck would totally wear a ton of hoodies and loose jackets

this hairstyle w/ the middle part for jh

soft flower witch jooheon

omg yesss

yeah the middle part is what i was thinking

and like a simple silver necklace or smth w/ a little bee charm

or a flower i honestly can't decide

i think it'd just be really cute to have a scene where jooheon gently feels around changkyuns face to get an image of him and he doens't realize he's kinda looking directly into ck's eyes and is a little too close

i totally want them to go for a walk together on a rainy day

and jooheon puts a charm on their umbrella so nobody gets wet

its cute and ck taps against his wrist to guide him away from big puddles

and whispers lowly because he totally wants to describe how pretty it is outside to jooheon even though he doesn't usually like to speak cause he doesn't know what he sounds like

delivery boy outfit totally needs a snapback

dude but like what if ck always wears a ton of layers and pulls his hat down low cause he always feels so unsure of himself w/ his disability and tries to shield himself w clothing

but after meeting jooheon

and seeing how open and happily he lives w/ his disability, always smiling and never hiding his eyes even though he can't see

he kind of starts gaining his own confidence

like one day he comes and like jooheon always physically greets him to makes ure its the right person and he's like "oh, no hoodies today?" cause the fabric under his hand is usually thick, but today its just bare skin

and changkyun just smiles shyly and taps out "yep" against jooheons wrist

THIS IS THE TEA JOOHEON MAKES FOR CK IN THE OTHER AU WITH CRUSHED PETALS OR SMTH, And Changkyun s like asks you're blind and yet everything you do is so beautiful

Jk wait that's too early

Like "the tea and the cup match so well" and jooheon just laughs tapping blindly at Changkyun s head and just says "witch senses", the words flowering beautifully across Changkyun’s charmed board as jooheon settles down with his own cup, AND FLOWERS TOTALLY RESPOND WELL TO HIS TOUCH AND IT WORDS SO NATURALLY HE JUST STICKS TO THAT AREA

Like turning up their faces just subtly everytime he walks by, Responding naturally to him and it's very easy for him to use flowers, more so than any other material

Ck would totally be able to see all this sitting at a table and he's just so lovestruck watching the flowers crowd adoringly for Jooheon's attention, Omg what if he usually makes packages of homemade tea with some simple spells integrated to help w sleep or relaxation, Yeeeesssssss but they work really well so he has a good customer base

And also KIHYUN helps design an online page and process Orders

And takes a ton of sample photos to put up on the page

Also in the like about section there's a cute pic of jooheon doing a peace sign w muddy fingers next to some flowers and that's like the only pic of him ever, And there’s definitely an online group dedicated to his tea, like freaking out when a new sample comes out

And also like screaming about how there's only one pic of him but definitely a confirmed cutie bc there handwritten notes that are shaky and messy but super sweet in every package

Ok but like what if minhyuk was blessed w the gift of visual arts so of course he draws

But he also loves running his aesthetic blog and he posts artsy pics of his drawings and cafes and shit

And like one day there's a pic of him and at the corner is boy with softly curled hair and a pink sweater, facemask pulled below his chin as he cups both hands around his cup of coffee, sipping it through a straw as he looks blankly to the side, And his fans are like ???!?!?! And someone is LIKE OH FUCK THAT’S JOOHEON YO

And then minhyuk’s secretly laughing about how adorable jooheon looks and didn't know he took a pic

When his phone suddenly is just like blowing up w alerts, And jooheon sighs "hyung please check your alerts"

And minhyuk is like wtf is going on

And he's getting DM s like

OMFG THATS JOOHEON

YOU KNOW JOOHEON?

PLEASE POST MORE WITH JOOHEON

And then minhyuk Fits the phone against Jooheon's palm, And jooheon can feel the phone continuously vibrating like not stopping at all and he's like "hyung what's going on"

And minhyuk just chuckles at the lost look on his face and says "my followers love you"

And it's the 2nd time he's only ever seen jooheon this red

Followed only by the first time minhyuk had teased him about that new delivery boy and his oh so deep voice, And so jooheon face bursts into flames as he squeaks out "what!!?" before snatching his hand away and desperately sucking at his coffee adamantly ignoring minhyuks guffaws

jh would have this phone case

When Jooheon gets knees deep in fresh spring earth he of course has to change into more suitable clothes. He doesn’t actually know the material or (ha) color of those nice sweaters Minhyuk always forces him to buy, but they’re beautifully soft against his skin. He wants to keep them that way, and as much as he loves the press of wet dirt under his fingers, his sweaters probably wouldn’t appreciate it to the same degree.

So one day Changkyun comes on his usual delivery route, and there’s a note left in Jooheon’s blocky script, I’m out back! with a round creature resembling a bee drawn at the bottom. He finds the witch completely kneeled on the ground on all fours, dressed in tight leggings and a black hoodie, as he digs at an already  significantly deep hole. He taps lightly on the ground with his foot, alerting Jooheon of his presence.

“Changkyun?” Jooheon immediately looks up, eyes blindly flickering towards his general direction. The delivery boy hums lowly and taps again in affirmation, and Jooheon’s smile widens even more, eyes crinkling shut into thin slits, the indents of dimples forming like two shadowed ponds on his cheeks.

Once he’s sure of the right person, the witch turns back to the task at hand, fumbling for the shovel as he starts digging again. The pit’s deep enough Jooheon has to sink his upper body forward, raising his lower half in the air in a meager attempt to keep balance. Changkyun’s eyes are inevitably drawn to his pert bottom, tightly clad in leggings he’s never seen before.

He shuffles over and sits down next to Jooheon, clearing his throat as he prepares to speak. “I’ve never seen you wear this before,” he comments casually as Jooheon pauses to pay attention to his words. “That’s right,” the witch ponders, and the shape of his mouth corresponding with the letters scrawling across Changkyun’s charmed board. “I don’t usually wear this kind of….” he grimaces, searching for the right word, “tight clothing?”

He sighs, ruffling dirt crusted fingers in his hair and Changkyun watches, scrutinizing as the wet earth sticks adamantly to shining locks. Their disabilities make them sensitive towards certain forms of contact, and brushing the other’s cheeks clean of dried earth would definitely be a violation of Jooheon’s comfort zone. He keeps his fingers clenched and still against his lap.

“My friends alway watch out for me, bringing me clothing and such. This one,” he gestures at the lycra stretching over his legs, “was from a friend who modeled for an exercise brand. I guess he thought he would send me some to try…” He plucks at the fabric, letting it snap back against his skin, laughing nervously. “It’s not really my kind of thing, well as much as possible to figure out what “my thing” is, but at least it's good for dirty labor?”

Changkyun laughs at his vaguely apologetic expression, the sentence ending itself on his board with a question mark, and he nods sagely in response, tapping once to show his agreement. “You look, you look good.” he forces out, his voice catching tightly in the middle. He doesn’t need to look at his board to understand Jooheon’s reply, all of it completely apparent in the pink in his cheeks and the “o” of his mouth before fumbling quickly into a “thank you.”

Like "you look amazing in pink" and jooheon sighs "I don't know what it even looks like" and minhyuk just flounders to describe it "it's just light, and soft, and....pink??" He ends up stubbornly pushing a pile.of sweaters into Jooheon's hands anyway

Maybe like cursed when he was still in the womb or smth

Cause eventually I want like a scene where he and Changkyun are hanging and he just realizes how happy and comfortable he is w the other and he blinks

And the next moment piercing rays are flooding his eyes and it hurts so much he hides his face in his hands as tears leak out uncontrollably

I need a good reason for why he got that kind of curse put on him tho

Then he gets to match a voice to a face when Changkyun urgently asks, "are you okay"?" leaning over to grasp his wrists

Pink lips pressed into a worried line and almond eyes gazing directly into his own tear stained ones, jooheon can't help but cry even harder

Changkyun flails in panic, wrapping an arm around his back, trying to soothe him as he asks again "what's wrong?"

His board stays empty for a few moments more before they fill with 3 words that leave him perfectly stunned

“I can see.”

Changkyun immediately goes to draw away, some part of him panicking at Jooheon's newfound sight

But the witch turns and immediately lunges to embrace him, both of them landing harshly against the ground as the other hides his face in changkyuns neck

I want to like do something where ck gets to hear like they're made for each other and them being together breaks it but hmmmmm. Changkyun stays still, relaxing his body as Jooheon shakes against him. His neck is wet with tears and its soaking through to his jacket, but he only pulls the other man closer to himself, wrapping both of his arms around the other's middle. Suddenly, something is filtering into his brain, the ever static silence interrupted by pin pricks of hiccuped cries. It can't be, he panics, hands leaving Jooheon's middle to cup around his ears. He can hear the echo of sound against his palms, and curls up, completely overwhelmed. Jooheon sits up confused at the sudden shift of the body below him, and sees with his newfound sight, Changkyun's face scrunched in pain as he turns away from him. Jooheon hurriedly wipes away the gathered moisture, before leaning over to shadow over Changkyun's prone form. “Changkyun, Changkyun-ah! What happened?” He whispers urgently, completely forgetting the other’s charmed board. Neither of them realize it for a moment, when Changkyun looks up at him, comprehension immediate in his eyes.

“I...I can hear,” he stutters, hands dropping incredulously as a world of sounds flood through his ears; the chirp of birds, the whistle of the wind, but most importantly Jooheon’s shocked gasp as he sits up, toppling back onto the ground.

The witch presses a hand over his mouth, muffling any other sounds that could unwillingly escape his throat. It’s silent between them, but for Changkyun it’s more than he’s ever heard all his life.

Jooheon waits hesitantly, before asking as quietly as possible, “Is...is this real?” His voice, light and almost whiny, fits perfectly with the curved script that had written itself across Changkyun’s board many times.

“It,” he chokes at the low rumble of his own voice, “it is.” The shock sets in for the both of them, Jooheon still squinting furiously at all the colors and shapes passing rapidly through his retinas, and the echo of sobs still bouncing in Changkyun’s ears. They lock gazes, newfound senses tingling with every movement, and it’s not definite who moves first, but they simultaneously meet in the middle, bodies crashing in a locked embrace.

[acorpseontheground-blog]

hi let me answer 400 fucking questions

1. Name: Jace 2. Nickname(s): i dont have any 3. Birthday: June 1 4. That makes you (age): im almost 15 5. Where were you born (city): Vancouver 6. Location right now (planet ): in my house 7. Shoe size: uh like 8 womens 8. How many piercings?: two, almost pierced my septum 9. Tattoos?: no 10. When you wake up you're: tired and sad 11. When you're about to sleep you're: tired and sad 12. Zodiac sign: gemini 13. Chinese sign: monkey i think 14. Righty or Lefty: righty 15. Innie or Outie: innie 16. School: no Section Two: Looks 17. Nationality: im really white 18. Hair colour: like dirty blonde 20. Weight: idk like 140lbs 21. Height: 5′10 i think 22. Braces? no 23. Glasses? no Section Three: Private Life 24. Do you have a boy/girlfriend?: yeah 25. If so, who?: uh someone who was not interested in me at all for 7 months  26. If not, do you have a crush on someone?: i mean 27. Who has a crush on you?: i mean  28. Ever cheated on your bf/gf?: no that shit is disgusting dont talk to me if you do that  29. Who was your first kiss: someone that i no longer talk to. dont regret it being them though 30. Who was your last kiss: my bf  31. Are you a virgin?: uh  32. Ever had a threesome before?: no  33. NQ- Every been swarmed by ladybugs?: no whattheufkc 34. Have you ever been in love?: yes  35. Broken any hearts?: most likely  36. Got your heart broken?: well i broke up with someone idk if that counts as having my heart broken but i was devastated but i had to do it sooo idk   37. Ever liked a friend? yes ive only really liked 2 people and theyve been my friends because i cant trust people 38. What happened? they have liked me back at some point Section Four: Past Relationships 39. How many relationships have you been in?: two 40. How many were serious enough to count: two? 41. Who were those serious ones: first kiss, my bf 42. NQ- Who used to be your best friend: uhhhhh ig first kiss 43. What made them different: i really liked their personality and the way they presented/ i was head over heels for them for like idk 3 years 44. What happened: i wasnt mature enough to handle myself 45. Best boy/girlfriend: my fucking GIRLS taylor and claire 46. Worst boy/girlfriend: someone i recently cut off contact with  47. Ever been kissed: yes 48. Who do you want back: uhgdjgkjdfhgkjd goodbye 49. Who do you regret: no one, i think all experiences are good and if i regret someone i would hace never gotten those Experience Points 50. Why?: n/a Section Five: Favourites 51. Song: shit uhhhh like or like like by miniature tigers?? or falling for you by mxmtoom and peachy?? or cherub rock by the smashing pumpkins idk my taste is wack 52. Movie: as you are but i shared it with the person i recently cut off contact with so uh 53. Food: bro. pickles. i even drink the pickle juice when im done with the pickles. 54. Drink: orange crush man 55. Store: shopping stresses me out 56. Television show: uh black mirror? 57. Holiday: hallo fucking ween 58. Book: words on bathroom walls i think 59. Ice cream: cookie dough 60. Sweets: m&m’s 61. Crisps:  wjat 62. Type of music: i listen to a lot? i listen to electronic, indie, alternative, rock, those sad boy hour songs really whatever i have like three different playlists for my tastes 63. Artist: really into teen suicide rn 64. Word: uh 65. Time of day: 1 am outside watching the stars 66. Dressing: like. salad dressing or clothes 67. Alcoholic drink:  i dont drink anymore tryna stay away from that so i dont revert 68. Colour(s): i love blue 69. Piece of clothing: my fidlar hoodie that concert was wild i got punched in the head 70. Character: DELSIN ROWE  71. Smell: campfire 72. Shampoo: idk i use whatever is in the shower 73. Soap: i use whatever 74. Smiley:  idk 75. Board game: definitely monopoly i live out the fantasy of being rich 76. Sport: i dont care 77. Number: i still dont care 78. Quote: idk  79. Animal: still a wolf shut up meanies >::((((( 80. Actor: idc 82. Vegetable: broccoli ofc 83. Fruit: oranges  84. Place to be: on the hill 85. Thing in your room: my guitar and my ukulele my fuckibng babies dont touch them 86. Gum: uh 87. Shape: uh> 88. Country: uh? 89. Mall: i hate malls 90. Car: idc wow im boring 91. Boy's name: br idk  92. Girl's name: idk 93. Family member: my sister sh 94. Restaurant: pepper lunch is kind of the shit 95. Movie place: we literally only have one movie theatre 96. Person to go to the movies with: my friends 97. Noise: idk 98. Brand of shoe: vans theyre comfy 99. Brand of clothing: idk 100. Body part of a chicken: the gobble part the fuck is that called 101. Swear word: uh? fuck? 102. Month: october 103. Possession: ukulele and guitar again 104. Team: ? 105. Season: winter it’s cold and people can’t bully me for being pale 106. Radio station: who listens to the radio 107. Magazine: who reads magazines 108. Favourite grade: none they were all stressful 109. Least favourite grade: grade 1 110. Teacher: mme martin 111. Least favourite teacher: mme leclerc 112. Subject: band 113. Subject to talk about: music Section Six: Family 114. Who's your mum?: my mom 115. Who's your dad?: my dad 116. Any step-parents?: no 117. Any brothers?: yes 118. Any Sisters?: yes 120. Coolest: brother/sister 121. Loudest: my parents fuck 122. Best relative: uh 123. Worse relative: someone who hit on my sister 124. Do you get along with your parents? sometimes 125. With your siblings? yes 126. Does anyone understand you? lmao ugh no one understands me;((((( 127. Do you have any pets?:  yes 128. If so, what kind and name? dog, cat, rosie, thea 129. If not, what do you want as a pet?: i want a snake so bad Section Seven: School 131. Are you still in school? yes 132. Did you drop out?: yes 133. Your current GPA: idk what that is 134. Do you buy or bring lunch?: both, sometimes we cant afford anything so like i just dont eat 135. ABC's?: what 136. Favorite class: band 137. Play any sports at school?: no 138. Are you popular? HAHA no 139. Favourite memory: uh when i failed three classes i loved that :) 140. Most humiliating moment: idk 141. Most funniest moment: bro idk 142. Most scared moment: when i thought my school was gonna be shot up lmfao Section Eight: What do you think of when you hear 145. Chicken: bacawk 146. Dog: bark 147. Christina Aguilera: oUOouIA 148. Ricky Martin: who 149. 50 cent: bottle full of bub 150. Poop: uh 151. Beach: woosh 152. Desert: the sound of sand? 153. Water: woosh 154. Osama: oh  155. Love: the sound of when you are holding your breath and then you exhale because they left but you didnt realize you were holding your breath 156. Your little brother: i  157. Butt: what 158. Clowns: get that shit away 159. Wonder: wahtr 16o. Brown: brrpoqn 161. Banana: peeling noise 162. Sex: moaning?? 163. Parents: yelling 164. Homosexuals: what 165. God: nothing Section Nine: Do you believe in 166. God: idk not really 167. Heaven: idk 168. Devil: idk 169. Hell: idk 170: Boogy man: no 171. Closet Monsters: no but im always paranoid someone is in my closet 172. Fortune tellings: no 173. Magic:  idk 174. Love at first sight: idk 175. Ghosts: yes 176. Voo-doo dolls: no? 177. Reincarnation: maybe 178. Yourself: no Section Ten: Do you 179. Smoke: not cigs, i’ll vape but i dont have one of my own, and if you got weed and want me to smoke it with you sure 180. Do drugs: weed? 181. Drink alcohol: not anymore 182. Cuss: yeah 183. Sing in the shower: yeah 184. Like school: no 185. Want to get married: yeah 186. Type with all of your fingers: on the computer not really only my middle and index finger 187. Think you're attractive: not really 188. Drink and drive: no ive had some horrible experiences 189. Snore: i dont think so 190. Sleep walk: used to 191. Like watching sunrises and sunsets: yes omg  Section Eleven: Have you ever 192. Flashed someone: no 193. Gotten so drunk til you threw up everywhere: haha yeah 194. Told that person how you felt: yeah 195. Been arrested: n o 196. Gone to jail or juve: no 197. Skateboarded: yes im so fucking bad at it though 198. Skinny dipped: no 199. Rock climbed: yes 200. Killed someone: no 201. Watched porn: yes 202. Gone on a road trip: yes 203. Went out of the country: yes 204. Talked back to an adult: yes 205. Broken a law: yes 206. Got pulled over: no i cant drive 208: Cried to get out of trouble: no 209. Let a friend cry on your shoulder: yeah  210. Kissed a brother's or sister's friend: no 211. Kissed a friend's brother or sister: no 212. Dropped something on the floor and let someone eat it anyways: yeah 213. Moon someone: no 214. Shop-lifted: no 215. Worked at McDonald's: no 216. Eaten a dog: no 217. Give money to a homeless person: yeah 218. Glued your hand to yourself:  no 219. Kissed someone of the same sex: yeah 220. Had a one night stand: no 221. Smoked: not cigs 222. Done drugs: weed 223. Lose a friend because of your ex: i dont think so? 224. Slap someone for being stupid: lightly 225. Had cyber sex: no 226. Wish you were the opposite sex: at one point in my life i wanted to die because of it 227. Caught someone doing something: yeah 228. Played a game that removes clothing: no 229. Cried during a movie: yeah 230. Cried over someone: yeah 231. Wanted to hook up with a friend: no 232. Hooked up with someone you barely met: no 233. Ran away from home: yeah 234. Cheated on a test: yeah Section Twelve: Would you 235. Bungee jump: yes pls 236. Sky dive: yes 237. Swim with dolphins: yes 238. Steal a friend's bf or gf: no 239. Try to be the opposite sex: oh 240. Lie to the police: no 241. Run from the police: idk depends on the situation probably not 242. Lie to your parents:yeah 243. Backstab a friend for your own well being: no ew 244. Be an exotic dancer: no 245. NQ- Kill the president: dont have a president Section Thirteen: Are you 246. Shy: not shy 247. Loud: no 248. Nice: i think? im also kind of an asshole 249: Outgoing: not outgoing 250: Quiet: kind of 251. Mean: sometimes 252. Emotional: yeah? 253. Sensitive: no 254. Gay: no 255. Strong: uh idk 256. Weak: not physically 257. Caring: yes 258. Dangerous: no 259. Crazy: no 260. Spontaneous: no? 261. Funny: ive been told 262. Sweet: idk 263. Sharing: yeah 264. Responsible: yeah 265. Trustworthy: yeah 266. Open-minded: yeah 267. Creative: i guess 268. Cute: uh no 269. Slick: idk 270. Smart: no 271. Dumb: no 272. Evil: no 273. Ghetto: no 274. Classy:  no 275. Photogenic: sometimes 276. Dependable: yeah ive made some mistakes though 277. Greedy: no 278. Ugly: no? 279. Messy: kinda 280. Neat: kinda 281. Perverted: uh well im not asexual 282. Silly: what 283. A B****: sure 284. A Good Listener: yeah 285. A Fighter: yeah 286. A Party Animal: no 287. A Game Freak: i like games 288. A Computer Freak: no Section Fourteen: Future 289. Dream job: musician 290. Dream house: fuck idk 291. Husband/Wife: someone i love 292. Kids: like 2 293. Names: , 294. Pets: doberman pls 295. Car: idk 296. Age you would want to get married: like 30 297. Best Man/Bride's Maid: idk 298. Honeymoon: idk Section Fifteen: Your friends 299. Best friends: taylor, claire 300. Known the longest: taylor 301. Craziest: taylor 302. Loudest: claire 303. Shyest: taylor 304. Best hair: i love them all 305. Best eyes: taylor has like multicoloured eyes 306. Best body: bro no 307. Most Athletic: claire 308. Hot-Tempered: both 309. Most impatient: idk 310. Shortest: taylor 311. Tallest: claire 312. Skinniest: uh skinnier is taylor shes smaller in general 313. Best singer: idk neither of them sing 314. Funniest: both 315. Can always make you laugh: both 316. Wish you talked to more: i have like 3 friends so keira 317. Wish you saw more: keira 318. Who drives you insane after a while: claire 319. Who you can stay around forever and never get sick of: taylor 320. Ever lose a friend because you took it to the 'next level': no 321. Whose always been there when you need them: taylor and claire 322. Who is like your family: taylor and claire 323. How many friends do you have?: 4 324. How many are really close? 2 Section Sixteen: The last 325. Thing you ate: burger 326. Thing you drank: water 327. Thing you wore: im in shorts and a hoodie right now? 328. Thing you did:  dog walk 329. Place you went: dog park 330. Thing you got pierced or tattooed: my ears 331. Person you saw: my mom 332. Person you hugged: my mom  333. Person you kissed: my bf 334. NQ- Person you beat to a juicy pulp: idk but id like to beat some people to a juicy pulp 335. Person you talked to online: this bitch thunder that is annoying we dont talk anymore shut the fuck up bro 336. Person you talked to on the phone: my call log says my mom 337. Song you heard: beach walk by whitewoods 338. Show you saw: like concert? fidlar 339. Time you fought with your parents: idk like today 340. Time you fought with a friend: idk 341. Words you said: “yeah”  Section Seventeen: Now 343. What are you eating: burger 344. What are you drinking: water 345. What are you thinking: miss 346. What are you wearing: shorts and a hoodie 347. What are you doing: writing this 349. Hair: messy? im sick 350. Mood: gross 351. Listening to:  nothing 352. Talking to anyone: no 353. Watching anything: mr nightmare Section Eighteen: Yes or No 354. Are you a vegetarian: no 355. Are you a carnivore: no 356. Are you heterosexual: no 357. Do you like penguins: yes 358. Do you write poetry: sometimes? i dont share it 359. Do you see stupid people: yes 360. You + Me: uh 361. Do you like the Osbournes: never really watched it 362. Can you see flying pigs: egrhf 363. Do you sleep with stuffed animals on your bed: no 364. Are you from Afghanistan: no 365. Is Christina Aguilera ugly: no  366. Are you a zombie: no 367. Am i annoying you: yes 368. Do you bite your nails: yes 369. Can you cross your eyes: yes 370. Do you make your bed in the morning: no 371. Have you touched someone's private part: yes why would you word it like private part Section Nineteen: This or That 372. Winter or Summer: winter 373. Spring or Autumn: autumn im quirky hahahahahahha 374. Shakira or Britney: neither 375. MTV or VH1: neither 376. Black or White: mix of both is good 377. Yellow or Pink: pink 378. Football or Basketball: basketball 379. Mobile Phone or Pager: mobile phone 380. Pen or Pencil: pencil i feel safer 381. Cold or Hot: cold it’s easier to warm up than to cool down 382. Tattoos or Piercings: piercings but i want a small tattoo 383. Inside or Outside: uh both 384. Weed or Alcohol: weed 385. Coke or Pepsi: coke 386. Tape or Glue: tape 387. McDonald's or In-n-Out: mcdonalds Section Twenty: Opinions 388. What do you think about classical music: love it! 389. About boy bands: sure! 390. About suicide: i dont think people understand that someone who is suicidal, their perception is collapsed. even though they subconsciously know they have other options, they believe with every bit of them that is their one and only choice.  391. About people who try to force their opinions on you: choke  392. About teen pregnancy: make sure you can handle the child and have support. if not, get an abortion or put it up for adoption. seriously. only keep it if it’s something you want, not because you were being shamed. 393. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years: on hastings shooting up heroin idk  394. Who do you think you'll still be friends with in 5 years: taylor 395. About gay men: love yall Section Twenty-One: 396. Do you have a website: no 397. Current weather right now: uh cloudy 398. Current time:  8:15 pm 399. Any shout outs: no one follows me 400. Last thoughts: fuck, 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i feel neutrally tired about all of this. you know, i’m not angry or sad or stressed, i’m just kind of tired of this whole routine. it’s become glaringly obvious that this man is very very spoiled and ungrateful. 

yesterday was a fine day. he took me to the farm to get a pumpkin like i asked. he bought me food and was overall really nice and in a good mood - he was focused on pei and the things he would do or need for his trip. i felt comfortable and relaxed despite not even having weed and not having much sleep. 

this morning when we woke up, we had sex and i went about my morning - made a tea, had a smoke and he had a shower. he asked his mother for the survey plans for their cottage in pei so he knew what to prepare for when he wanted to build this garage (the whole 6 month master plan’s goal). she said she would have to look. this set off a chain reaction - he went to look for a crock pot the family owned but he had never used ad couldnt find it immediately, when his mother offered cookig advice he freaked out ad then when she asked him about a few set of chores he was supposed to do, he freaked out again.

at this point i had literally spoken no words from when we had sex. i was just passively floatig throughout the house, gathering my things just to be organized. i went to look at what he was actually making and he said something like “i’m going to drive you home after this i want to do my own thing and i dont want to be around you”. to be fair, he couldve said “people” - i’m ot entirely sure what i heard but it more likely sounded like you. i simply turned around, got my bag from downstairs, got my stuff from outside and walked home. i did not even reply or say goodbye - theres not even a point. like i would get either some argument about how he said he would drive me home or a grunt goodbye; both still equally rude replies. 

but i was kind of proud of how i reacted very immediately and without hesistation. i didt think like ~what would he want or ~whats appropriate to do. i just did what i wanted to do which was leave. it wasnt like oh i think id like to sped the day alone, do you wat a ride home - it was just ‘fuck off’ without being ‘fuck off’. and i don’t deserve that. 

on top of this, during sex he asked outright if anyone else has touched me. not like ~oh no one else ca touch you or ~would you let anyone touch you - just outright ‘have you let anyone’ and its not a light thing. its not joking. if i said yes it would hurt and we’d probably stop. but the parameters he stil puts forth is that he “cant” cheat. but what about me? and why am i used like this? i literally spoke _no words_. 

its very unhealthy. and i dont believe its about me. i’m glad ive come so far in personal relationships that i am able to seperate myself from them and not take things personally.and like i do feel “used” but its not like this is the absolute worst part of it. he said to me, “you havent been around long enough - this is what i do, im excited about something until im not and then i drop everything and go to the next thing” -- as if i havet been witnessing this the entire time weve been together. its all one exciting thing to the next and nothig is ever what its hoped to be. 

and hes very negative. which i guess is a bit ironic coming from me. but everything - everything sucks. and like to its greatest pit of whatever terrible thing it could have. you know - “king of the losers”. acknowledging that “i’m” okay but its really just being on top of a pile of shit. 

its just.. its getting too hard to remain optimistic about a future with him. whatever my life is doesnt affect him nearly as much as his does me. my whole life is built around being available to him and i was okay with this becuse it was like “investing” in a future i wanted to have. or i do want to have. i want a partner. some “family”. but i just dont feel optimistic like this is going to lead to idyllic happiness. not the way he sees it. and why should i spend my time following such a volatile perso who is unable to commit to anything. i guess it was easy to walk away because i thought like - what if i was across the country? what if i coulnt just walk away from this rude person and i was _stuck_? i dont want that and i guess if i dont want that, i dont want him. i’m just... too scared to live with him. like i want to live with him. i reall really do but everything in my being says omg no. no no no no. anyone i told that this was a thing would tell me absolutely do not move across the country with this person. its not like.. dont change. dont live somewhere else. its that this particular person is very ... not the right person to do this with. maybe i need to be a ifferent person too. maybe i need to be a very strong indpendent individual who works super hard and hustles lots of cash an then its all just fun and games and wooo life. but i cannot be dependent on this person. they are not dependable in any way shape or form. they are a fucking prayer. and in order for me to make such huge changes in life i would be very dependent on this person. especially right now. maybe in two years ill be a better version of me but the me right now would need a lot of hand holding an encouragement to make such drastic life changes and decisions. 

if it was plausible to just get a nice apartment in this city together - great. thank you. not even long term, lets just exist with each other before making giant life decisions. thats a marriage. with no commitment. i cant. i just cant. 

and you know - i’m very sympathetic. i know exactly what it feels like. to have no fucking clue what you want, where to go, what to do, who to be friends with, who to have a relationship with - i get it. i’m really confused too. and this is such a shitty time - i dont know if other times have been more shitty but this seems like a pretty shitty time after society going through so many wars in the past 100 years that have grown more powerful under the advancements and like we, collectively, are different people from 50 years ago so what was “right” and “good” 50 years ago is not relevant to today and we are floating without guidance. how do we survive now? weve evolved to a different mental state and we dont know how to nourish this. its like falling into great advancements with no mental capacity to understand their affect on the social psyche. 

theyre right.  the colective “they” - your parents have little to do with your chances. their social standing and coping amongst evolution to bring them to such standing has a lot more to do with your chances but if along the line you figure out your way of coping in evolution then you may rise above or find your own level of “happiness” which is mostly fulfilling basic personal needs. but when evolution continually transitions through different ways to fulfill these basic needs or possibly gives you even more ways to do this, it becomes more difficult to realize how you will find your way to cope in evolution. milennials are realy seen as weak and a joke; like re-branded hippies but focused on mental health and emotions, “refusing” employment to ‘feel better’ in life when there was a time when people just took any job because the only way to cope within that evolution was to exhance your service for money or boarding itself. thats not the case anymore. society evolved in such a way that this generation is capable of fulfilling may basic personal needs sometimes by just existing; perhaps their parents pay for food and shelter and provide them with clothing well into their “adult” years. many older generations started working to SURVIVE at 12 - 14 years old. our generation worked because “thats what you do” or to save up for an iphone. most of our grandparents worked to buy bottles of milk or to help the family or for their own vehicle but why save for one when your parents let you drive theirs anyways?

and again - it’s not the parents fault. it’s now easy in society for parents to do this. a large majority of parents, nd the majority leads the collective society. could my parents? no. but a lot of people around me did have parents that did this and my parents cared for me in other ways. society allowed them to breed children who would become introspective because they were no longer in such dire straits for survival. and older generations are upset about this - dont you know they had to want to die regularly to survive? why shouldt we? 

so as we gain this introspective into ourselves and “new” psychological ideas come up and vast people are “diagnosed”, it becomes harder to accept things which harm our psyche. so we get a big rise in racial inequality and gay rights and things which seem “liberal” but is simply termed this way because some people - maybe a large amount even, could not refuse employment and worked to survive even in this era. that was the generational hand down - exchange your service for money or starve. and theyre not “in the wrong”. other things affect how you build your coping tools - where you live, the climate of politics etc. maybe you realy just had to do that and there wasnt time to invest in this modern evolution of introspection. you dont have time to look within when youre starving on the outside. so this resentmet and bitterness builds between these two sides which may even exist in the same generation but neither of them is wrong. should one work to survive? probably. animals hunt most of their lives. we should probably work to survive. no one can just be handed food ad shelter forever unless you’re a very unique and special person in royalty. and 99.9% of us are not. but should we also kill our psyche? animals dont deal with smart phones and insurance rates and credit scores and bankruptcy. they just go out and take what they want and our society has evolved past this. so we cannot just assume you just work to survive when survival has been complicated. it takes a higher level of thinking which wemay not fully even comprehend at this stage in the evolution. 

i think psychology is very important because we dont understand why people are people. we dont know. we know why the sky is blue but we dont know why we are people. and not just psychology but science and the belief of how our being, our physical being on this planet came to be. we collectively have not agreed despite the very obvious misgivings of current theological theories. 

how or in what way should you survive on this planet? why are we required to exist as we are in this society upon birth. like all of these rules and obligations an responsibilities of being a “good human” are placed on you for the rest of your life and all you did was be born. all you want are basic needs fulfilled but you cant even do that until you acknowledge the land you were popped out on to does not belong to you so you abide by these rules now whether you want to or not. and thats just government and law but on this deeper spectrum its an obligation to be a ‘good child’ a ‘good citizen’ - pay your taxes, go to work, have children, buy a house; these are the quest objectives. but why? i think our generation is not the first to ask why but the first in a very long long time to ask why are we doing it this way. not so much why are we here. many of us have decided for ourselves. but why are we livingin society in this particular way and what can we do to survive in a society which is not designed to really benefit anyone. its not about that homeless man geting up and feeding himself, its about taking responsibility to feed that person. animals do a better job at this and we feel we’re in evolved thinking. 

society has become very convoluted and confused which has bred confusion in its most recent generation. ive lived a very unique life and yet feel the same way abou these things as my peers because the “temperature” of the environment is the same. its hot, we all know its hot an we’re trying to figure out ways to deal whether its running through a sprinkler, going to a public pool or looking ridiculous in a kiddie pool on your front lawn. it’s gross, it’s not a good time, no one wants to do anything and we’re not feeling it. and this evolution is like climate change. there is absolutely still people capable of coping under this stress, farmers still work, lumberjack still cut wood but theyre fucking miserable and they do it because theyre used to feeling like they want to die to survive. but its getting hotter and its getting harder and even though they feel it the only thing they know is to keep working until they cant anymore then die crippled and miserable. being popped out inexperienced and then thrown into a change which even the experienced are struggling with creates a lot of unrest. a lot of anxious and depressed people. 

what do we do? what should we do? you cant change society you can only follow the ebb and flow like flock of birds or schools of fish. this is how we cope as humans, to live as a society. and if society is in upheaval it directly affects the ability to easily obtain our basic needs. 

i used to feel envious of stupid people. like atleast they didnt ~know this shit. because this felt depressing. like being stupi would be easier and id be happier but those who choose to remain ignorant or passive hurt a lot and they struggle through some of the barest traps society has created durig this shitty time and now i feel sorry for them. spinning your wheels over and over, dragging yourself through the mud, throwing away money, living extravagantly and ignorantly but going absolutely no where. not going up, down, side ways - no where. i’m there too. i’m right there too on the train stopped at the station waiting to fucking go and we’re here nd we’re buying shit from the dining car and we’re chatting and excited but we’re not goig and we’re not really sure why and we’re all talking about why we’re not going but we’re still not going but hey atleast hey still got cookies. 

no one person is driving the train either. its like a group effort where everyone on the train has to believe youre moving forward for it to start but if one jack ass thinks youre not, then its a complete halt. 

life is hard but i dont think alot of people realize exactly how hard it is. im trying to learn to appreciate the little things. people with greater minds who had better understanding and less luxuries of the era coped with appreciating little things. taking bike rides in the fall in the nice downtown streets; it’s been a highlight of the season. painting in a studio this week; sure it was not glamorous or anything but i actively went out and created art with others. my room is neat and clean and organized. i did laundry with ease on my own time for free. 

i wasnt upset i “had to” walk home. i apreciated the fall weather & buzz of halloween approaching, time to think without screens of distraction, exersize and activity, the ability to buy cat food & cat litter. im not angry about it. i’m tired of being angry about a train im not really driving. if i can never truly conceptualize what i want because of society why keep trying. why cry over spilled milk.