#i literally never met my last therapist in person like

[gravehags]

bro is it legal to kiss your psychiatrist on the mouth

[medicinemane]

Anyway, all the fucking magic books and astrology books, and just... all the fucking books like that, all the tarot decks, all the shit she wasted money on that was gonna solve everything... that's why I don't really believe in much of anything

Like I don't care about magic and I don't care about whatever god because all I know is there's shit that needs doing and the only way I can be sure it'll get done is if I work to do it

I'm not saying anything is or isn't real, I don't have access to that data. I'm not saying I don't get pretty damn lucky sometimes, and that maybe that isn't... me being unintentional sorcerer supreme or whatever, or it being part of some vast eternal plan for me to get this house for instance... what I'm saying is I needed to take steps

You can wait for stuff to work itself out, you can use "The Secret" (ie new age prosperity gospel), or you can start working on making things happen as best you can

This isn't a bunch of "hard work blah blah blah" rhetoric either, cause let me tell you some people bust their backs till they die and don't get shit, the world isn't fair and it isn't a meritocracy no matter how much we might like that

No, all I'm saying is that... ok, first I'm saying do what you like, this stuff isn't wrong unless you start being an ass to people. Pray, cast spells, do what you like. I'm not telling you any of it isn't real, I'm telling you why I can never subscribe to any of it... cause I've seen where depending on it over everything else gets you

Believe what you want, try and influence things how you want, but then get ready to try and figure out the next practical step to make it happen (which... sometimes doesn't exist)

Most of all though, if you want to see someone helped you better be ready to get down in the mud with them or accept they may never be helped. We can't fix everything, but...

You know that joke about the guy where there's a flood coming and people keep offering him a spot in their car or boat or whatever, and he says no god will save me, drowns, and asks god why he didn't save him only to be told "who do you think sent all those people?"

I'm saying the inverse here, I'm saying you gotta assume that if you don't offer someone a spot in your boat there's no other help coming

I don't know... just some thoughts on shit

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for the way this friendship ended?

It's over and done now but I still feel guilty. I met this person on tumblr years ago, like ten, and we got close, sort of big sister/little sister sort of thing since we had a bit of an age gap, I would try to give advice, we sent each other parcels, that sort of thing. Last summer, I even flew to visit them for quite a few days and we had a really good time. They confided in me about being nonbinary and after I went home, I spent more and more time every day sort of fielding...their drama. About their family and their mental illness and their gender identity, they sort of just spouted it all out and I tried my best to be really supportive and not put them down even when it was complaining about how their parents got takeout from the wrong place. (Yes, a rant that I received at least once a week.)

It got worse from there. I ended up staying up until 3am, 4am, having these long text conversations about the problems in their life, and since they talked about suicidal (and I talked them down SEVERAL times during the course of our correspondence) I never disagreed with what they were complaining about, even if I did think they were actually in the wrong. I didn't want to upset someone who seemed in a very delicate place.

Anyway, one morning I wake up and they're telling me they want to make a cake to reveal their gender identity to their parents. Specifically a blue and white and pink cake. I asked why they wouldn't use the colors for the nonbinary flag, since that was, until that moment, what they had always told me they identified as, and they got really mad, said I was transphobic, didn't message me until later to inform me that after telling their therapist what I had done, they could move on. So I was a little confused since it seemed that they had decided they weren't nonbinary anymore, and this argument started over a hypothetical cake. Also I was a little frustrated that they had--the night before--given me the list of things they were going to talk about with their therapist and instead spent that time complaining about me, who at that point was so sleep-deprived from staying up late every single night just trying to keep them from feeling suicidal...idk I was frustrated.

Anyway, after a few days, they contacted me, and I told them that I couldn't keep doing the whole sounding board thing. I couldn't just be the person they complained at, and it wasn't fair to me that they were placing so much stress on me every time they would talk about being suicidal and use me as a way to come down instead of someone in their house who could actually physically be there. I also admitted that I would lie to them and say I agreed with their complaints because I wanted them to stay happy with me and not feel attacked. They replied that I was obviously very untrustworthy and we could no longer have any sort of relationship because of what I had done. And we basically cut all contact. They deleted all their social media and I was forbidden from texting/emailing them so I literally have no idea if someone I cared enough about a year ago to spend the money to fly to visit is still alive.

I just don't know. I feel super guilty about it all and AITA for this? I thought I was doing my best to be supportive but I just screwed everything up and lost a ten year friendship because of a make-believe cake.

What are these acronyms?

[threadsoflacee]

i am an avid truther of the "compliment anybody u might save their life" motto. it is so unbelievably real. 1 time in 8th grade when i was just beginning to explore being goth a girl saw me drinking water in the school bathroom and went OMG SHES SO PRETTY. i went . wait me ?!? and she said YES youre the most beautiful girl ive ever seen. she looked genuinely fascinated to have met me . to this day 4-5 years later i still think about it. last week my friend who ive known for 3 years made a joke and i laughed and she said wait i never noticed how straight ur teeth are. im soooo insecure about my smile and this simple observation literally healed me. my speech therapist who ive known for 3 years told me two weeks ago i looked softer with my red dyed hair and that she liked soft things. my mom told me i had a soothing aura. my therapist said she wishes she had my long soft hair and that i had perfect skin. GUYS sometimes its all just about the compliments. if u dont find the person particularly attractive to u u can compliment their makeup or smile or new nails they just got or even the pins on their backpack. i swear its not awkward. some of us humans are walking the streets starved for love and praise and just a simple observation might make our day or even week!!!!!! i love to randomly compliment people and watch as they smile and get kind of shy it is what i live for

[themultifandomgal]

Cillian Murphy- Insecurities

Trigger warnings- talks about anorexia, divorce and online bullying

I meet Cillian when I joined season 4 of Peaky Blinders, I was to be Tommy Shelbys new love interest. However during this time it came out that Cillian was divorced and I was the one to blame, although they had divorced a year before I had even met Cillian. The hate I received was unbelievable, I was called a home wrecker, I was told to harm myself, told I was nothing but a gold digger so many nasty things, and since I'm 15 years younger it was worse. For Cillian this was such a hard time because he is such a privet person, but like always the hate died down. It's been a few years now and Cillian and I promoting our newest film together Oppenheimer. However the news about me being in this film had mix reviews, most positive, but there's still a handful of people who believe that I'm the cause of his divorce. I was recently added into a group chat on Twitter where they criticised my body, my acting, my relationship. This made me question a lot of this and I definitely became insecure.

Before Cillian and I met I was anorexic and when we did meet it was when I was better, although he knows all about that and has helped me through some dark moments I still have days where I feel like I could go back to my old days. Things have gotten so bad I have deleted all of my social medias. I'm curled up in mine and Cillian bed crying after looking at myself in the mirror for the last 20 minutes when the door opens

"Babe have you seen... what's wrong? Are you hurt? Feel ill?"

"I'm fine"

"You obviously aren't because your crying so come on tell me"

"Honestly Cil I'm just being stupid"

"Never stupid. Tell my what's going on in that head of yours" Cillian moves a stray hair from my face then moves to caress my check.  I sigh leaning into his touch

"It's just other girls are much prettier than me. You could literally have anyone in the world but you chose me, I don't understand why. I'm 15 years younger, I'm in my 20s so my do you want me?"

"Babe come here" I sit up and scoot over to Cillian who wraps me up in his arms "I love you and only you. Your beautiful inside and out, don't listen to what other people say, because I know you do, stop looking at the news. As for your age, it's just a number we're both adults and can do whatever we want, within reason, you've got to stop letting other peoples words cloud your own judgment. This is why I stay offline"

"Yeah Will I deleted all my social the other week"

"I know you though YN, and I know that you will still search for yourself to see what people are saying about you"

"I just hate feeling like this, hate feeling so insecure"

"I know baby I hate seeing you hate yourself when all I see is perfection. What can I do to help?" I shrug my shoulders not really knowing what anyone could do "what about speaking to your therapist. Maybe they could give you some advice" Cillian suggests

"Yeah maybe"

"YN I love you so much and I will tell you everyday how beautiful you are and how much I love you" Cillian leans down and kisses my lips "I'll make sure to tell you how important you are to not only me but everyone around you. This hate will go away, or at least you won't see it"

"I love you too" I smile at him glad I have him in my life "what was it you were looking for?"

"Huh?"

"You came in about to ask me where something was"

"Oh. I was just wondering if you knew where my hoodie was but I think I've found it" I giggle pulling the sleeves down and snuggling into Cillian more. Things will be ok soon.

[neodiji]

Life Update

SO. Hi.

I am alive. I am in a better spot than the last time I posted, around two years ago. It was really dark for awhile there but I think I needed to take time and work on myself. I have a fabulous therapist now that has actually been helping me grow and tackle life, and I feel in some ways like a different person after navigating these past couple years. I am still prone to the major depressive spells, panic attacks, and crippling anxiety, but I am learning that even though mental health problems will probably always be a part of my life, they don't define me. I can do hard things, and I can accomplish goals even with those challenges. Sometimes, especially in those really bottom-of-the-pit days like a couple years ago, I just didn't see a path forward so I didn't know what steps to even try to take. Now I'm taking steps. They might not be the right steps, but trying is doing.

I truly appreciate all the support and outreach of love. I am also sorry for worrying people, considering the way I left things. I didn't handle my feelings and needs in a mature way. I definitely needed that break, but I should have just communicated that I needed a break. At the time, I really didn't think I could make it, but that's no one else's problem. It was and is for me to own.

I have not been active in fandom for the past couple years, but lately I have been indulging in some SuzaLulu daydreams. I'm also rediscovering my love of writing.

Highlights:

-I survived an entire year teaching at a horrific private school. When they hired me, they verbally told me that they were starting a new program and needed a teacher. They would provide the resources and guidance. It turned out that they gave me a classroom with a few blocks, and two days before the kids come, they told me that it was up to me to fund the entire new program out-of-pocket. I should have quit then and there, but I didn't know how to assert myself or set boundaries. I was also paid pennies. So because I had given them my word and signed the contract for the job, I funded everything out of pocket. I let them take advantage of me. I literally paid to work instead of the other way around. Every day was a nightmare, trying to spend all day with my class of kids and then come home and figure out what to even DO with them the following day, buy or create the resources to actually implement those learning activities (thank goodness for Teachers Pay Teachers), rinse and repeat. Admin always promised to reimburse me, and kept canceling my requested meetings to address these issues. Spoiler alert: they never did pay me back for all the things I bought to get that classroom and program up and running. So, you know...I can look back on this experience and say I was screwed, but alternatively:

I got to practice getting stronger in asserting myself and communicating. I learned how to get things in writing for future jobs so this never happened again. I gained experience working in a different kind of school setting. I met a lot of nice people, such as the other teachers and the families of the kids in my class. I also learned that I could not only survive, but do really good things in bad circumstances. I helped my kids learn and grow, and all but one of them were reading above grade level by the time they left me. So I took a classroom with nothing and I fucking rocked it.

Better yet, BECAUSE I had that major accomplishment under my belt, I was able to find a much, much, MUCH better teaching job in the public schools this past year (in a good school district). I have never before worked at a school I loved. I have never before worked for admin who actually care about teachers and students. I have never before met other teachers who genuinely love kids and want to do right by them. I found my place. I found my people. It makes all the difference.

This past year was hard because I was yet again learning a new grade level. Starting over in a new grade can feel like switching to an entirely new field. The standards of learning are different, the resources are different, the kids' social-emotional needs and maturity are different... So there's always a steep learning curve. But this past year? It was hard and draining and time-consuming but I loved. every. second. I couldn't wait to get back to my class and pick up where we'd left off the day before.

I also learned that I need to be helping kids learn and grow to feel fulfilled inside. When that's missing, when I don't have that built into my life, I feel like something vital is missing. I especially thrive with teaching reading. Again, all but one of my students was reading on or above grade level by the end of the year. More important, they LOVED reading. The one who was reading below grade level made significant personal progress, and he was very close to meeting benchmark. I'm on the right track now to one day be a reading specialist, which was my original dream job. My life is opening up again. It only took several years!

I also learned it is very very likely that I have high-functioning Autism, which would explain why communication, relationships, and social cues are such a personal struggle. (Along with hyperfixations, sensory processing disorders, etc.) Paying for yet additional testing for an official diagnosis is not in my current budget, but it does make sense when I reflect on the trends of my life. So I am learning more about myself and how I fit into the world, instead of just knowing deep inside that I feel different and thus feeling despair to the point of giving up because life feels like an insurmountable struggle sometimes.

So yeah. Maybe I need help with things because my way of interacting with the world is atypical, but even so...I still have a lot of things to be proud of about myself. I may struggle with peer communication, but I am an awesome teacher. I might need basic socialization explained to me, but I tend to be kind, helpful, and encouraging when I do have two-way interaction with people. There are worse things to be.

I also have grown a lot as a writer over the years. I have not had time to indulge in hobbies the past couple of years, due to every "free" moment being spent trying to prepare for the next school day, but when I think about what would make me happy? For me? It keeps coming back to writing. But now it has to change. To keep it fun, I can't put the pressure of perfectionism on myself. I'm not getting paid to write fanfic. It doesn't need to be perfect. I think readers are going to be okay if I end up making mistakes. If readers do take issue, then you know what? That's their problem. They can stay out of my work. That's their choice. But honestly, the majority of people I've interacted with online have tended to be lovely and encouraging anyway, so... I probably don't need to worry about the what-if anxieties that continuously pop up in that regard.

TLDR;

-I am an amazing teacher and it helped me find myself.

-I probably have Autism, which would explain a lot.

-I can cope and I can do hard things, even with challenges.

-I miss writing.

Goals:

-Learn and practice setting appropriate boundaries.

-Increase financial literacy. Teachers get paid shit. I need to stretch my money more effectively. (And stop spending my own money on flexible seating...)

-Spend more time on self-care, including writing, friendships, and playing with my cat Nimbus.

-Sleep.

-Read those 4 professional development books.

-Reply to fandom people who have commented or otherwise communicated over the past couple years when I've been MIA.

[sakuraoora]

Oh buddy, do I have the BEST song for your music event!~

"Almost Human" by Voltaire is a song that needs to be on every Scaramouche playlist. Unfortunately it isn't yet, but hopefully when more people begin to associate this song about the literal Devil from The Bible with BigHat McMommyIssues instead this mistake will be remedied.

If you don't want to make this too much like your last Scaramouche x reader fic, perhaps it could be strangers to friends to lovers? I just like the idea of someone looking at this random grumpy dude and trying to cheer him up and then we flash forward several weeks and now you're the therapist friend of a Fatui Harbinger and you now realize how dangerous this he is, but at this point they don't care because this guy needs another person to confide in and you've dedicated yourself to the task and you've been slowly helping Scara become a little less touche starved and you're planning on asking to hug him when you two meet up next week and oh god dammit you are in love with him, why are you just realizing this as he's traumadumping you about his mom?!?!

You don't need to do that prompt exactly if it's too much, I just put too many words into everything I write. I'll leave it up to you my dude!

Can't wait to read what you write for this prompt~! In the meantime though, have a nice day!

MCMOMMYISSUES OH MY GOD THATS PERFECT 💀

ALMOST HUMAN

It was a quiet day in Chinju Forest.

You dipped your fingers into the river nearby, and sat there as the cold water than through your fingers, enjoying the silence and the peace. You heard footsteps crunching on the grass and branches behind you, as you turned around to see a young, relatively short man standing behind you with a giant hat.

The blue flowers softly illuminated his features, and you realized he seemed unhappy at something. You stood up and took a small blue illuminated flower, and looked at him. “Are you unhappy?” you asked bluntly.

The person scoffed. “No. I’m not. Who even are you? I’ve never met someone who just walks up to someone and asks if they're happy or not.”

“Oh me? I’m just a citizen of Inazuma who just happened to run into you. I frequent this area a lot to just test my skills and calm down,” you replied with a small smile. Walking up to him you took his hand and pressed the flower into it, ignoring the fact that he was looking at you incredulously. “And you should be glad that someone actually cares enough to ask you how you’re doing.”

“I’m sorry, I’m supposed to be thanking a stranger I don’t even know the name of?” Scaramouche shot back with an eye roll.

“Well, it’s [ Name ]!! So, now you know my name. Perfect, right?”

“Yeah yeah. Whatever.” he said, and although his wording was sharp, his tone was softer than what it was earlier. “…I’m Scaramouche, by the way.”

He looks like he needs a hug.

-----

Scaramouche looked back at the spot you talked with him a few days ago. He didn’t know why he was back here; he didn’t know why he wanted to see you again. Something about this brazen first meeting… drew him to you. He didn’t know why he wanted to talk to you, why he wanted to tell you about him.

But you did listen to him. You did, for some absurd reason… you cared about him, despite only meeting him a single time.

It felt… really nice to be cared about, after so much suffering.

Scaramouche liked this feeling. And he hated the fact that he liked it.

-----

“My mother… creator… decided to abandon me.” Scaramouche looked at the moon reflected in the river as he told you about his past. “So I decided, screw it. Who cares anymore? So I said good riddance… and that’s why I joined the fatui and became a harbinger and became a harbinger. Or, more accurately, they seeked me and I decided to join them.”

“You’re a fatui harbinger?” You said, incredulously, looking at him in shock.

“Yeah. Hate me if you’d like. I don’t care. I know I’m a terrible person. But emotion has no use to me… so do as you please.”

You stared at him, and laughed. “Honestly, for a fatui harbinger, you haven’t done anything particularly bad to me or in front of me yet. I don’t know about you, but I think you deserve a chance. I know you’ve probably done some terrible things before, but that doesn’t change how I view you.”

“...”

“HA! GUESS YOU’VE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE!!”

“Although you’re this old already, you still act like a mere child. Shut up.”

You let out a clear laugh, that he could listen to forever. You took a small look at him and enveloped him in a light hug, as if you were scared of breaking him as a fragile doll. “I’m sorry you had to go through all that.”

Scaramouche felt the warmth of your feelings and how genuine you were seeping into him, even as he stared in shock. Eventually, he let his arms wrap around you, giving into his emotions for the first time, perhaps, in his life after his abandonment.

A tear, also warm, trailed down his cheek.

Huh? Scaramouche thought in a state of confusion. I’m…. crying? Doesn’t this mean I'm also controlled by human emotions? I already made peace with this already, though…

But if I get to spend another moment in your arms, I guess I’ll allow it.

You smiled, and realized just how much you truly appreciated-- no. What you felt wasn’t appreciation. This man, although a harbinger and a puppet, felt like something you could truly care about. He was shockingly human, although he tried to cover it up with thorns and spikes.

He spoke again, but you felt emotion overflowing in his words, one that felt like it held a multitude of emotions hid behind them, just waiting to be discovered.

“Thank you. For being here.”

“You’re welcome.”

Archons, if Childe knew about this, he’d tease him to hell and back.

But Scaramouche didn’t care.

He loved you.

REBLOGS HELP MORE THAN LIKES

[howlofhades]

It's not gonna be structured, I'm just gonna roll switching from oc to oc.

I feel like Barks would never sleep at night because he would just think about all the brothers he couldn’t save after every mission. But even when he sleeps willingly it doesn't last long.

If Bear were to ever get in a relationship he could never sleep after an argument, he won't sleep until everything has been settled.

Storm probably has the most tattoos out of all my clones, but they all happen to be dedicated to the brothers he's lost. He almost got one dedicated to Barks.

Put Skunker and Barks in a room, and I can assure you that Skunker is leaving with a dislocation (Barks didn't do it.)

Bear drinks enough caf to probably kill a person, but he'd deny it. "This is my first cup today." I can confirm that would be a lie, he's probably drunk two, maybe three.

Erix has a bullet in a necklace given by Skunker the first time they met, the other Skunker jokingly said "Next time you annoy me this is gonna go in your forehead" and Erix kept it just to annoy him.

Bear would give droids pronouns I think

Storm will literally hit Barks for no reason and when Barks hits back, Storm screams for Rex

Barks will try to explode you with his mind if you annoy him

Barks: "snapping my back like a glow stick would solve all my problems."

Storm absolutely FACEPLANTED the first time he stepped off a gunship for the first time. Nobody let's him live it down. The next time he did it was in front of Anakin

Erix will do something, blame Storm and boom Barks and Storm argue. He loves it.

Erix cusses like a sailor

Skunker admires Barks and Rex for putting up with the chaos

Skunker bombards waxer, boil and wooley with jokes

Bear bites off more than he can chew

Now some incorrect quotes:

Barks: I hope no one lowkey hates me.

Barks: Highkey hate me. Hate me with every fiber of your being.

Barks: Go big or go home.

-

Barks: Sometimes, I don’t realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.

-

Barks: I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say ‘wow’ that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are.

-

Barks: I'm so tired of this life. I want to be a roomba. I want knives taped to me. And I want to be set loose.

-

Storm: I was put on this earth to do one thing.

Storm: Luckily I forgot what it was so I can do whatever I want.

-

Storm: Is this a good idea?

Storm: Probably not.

Storm: Do I care?

Storm: No.

-

Erix: I'm a firm believer in "if you're going to fail, you might as well fail spectacularly."

-

Storm: I didn’t even realize how sarcastic I was being. It’s starting to become a problem, I think.

-

Erix: Barks, gather the others. We need to have another Storm -is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-them-before-they-hurt-someone convention.

-

Barks: I’m not a doctor I’m a medic.

Erix: What’s the difference then?

Barks: Well doctors actually save lives, medics just make you feel more comfortable as you die.

Storm: Note to self; never get shot.

-

Barks: Life keeps fucking me and I can't remember the safeword.

-

Barks: My expectations are low, but they can always go lower.

-

Barks: My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

-

Erix: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?

Barks, turning to Storm: How tall are you?

-

Storm: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life.

Barks: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

Storm: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Erix: Edible.

-

Erix: What if mayonnaise came in cans?

Storm: Well, that would such because you can't microwave metal.

Barks: Good morning to everyone except these two people.

-

Erix: Pros and cons of dating me.

Erix: Pros. You'll be the cute one.

Erix: Cons. Holy shit, where do I begin-

-

Phoenix: I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms. So when they turn around, I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me.

-

Phoenix: God has let me live another day and I'm going to make it everyone's problem.

-

Lazarus: I’m gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.

-

Lazarus, writing in their diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

[aprilsadviceaskblog]

I'll try not to dump too much, also I hope you are doing well!! You help so many people, I hope you know how much good you've done :)

Sorry if this is too much or if it isn't something you want to answer. No pressure. Also could you tag this with "nightingale anon"? Thanks for your time and any advice :)

I grew up in foster care and there was a lot of shit that happened ranging from neglect to murder attempts and a bunch of stuff, and my adoptive mother I'm pretty sure is schizophrenic? And may or may not run a cult (it's complicated).

I have a friend that I've been getting closer with because we became roommates and she opened up about stuff and I did too, but after living together (2 other roommates too) for a few months she finally told me she doesn't like if I mention anything about my past and that she finds my life disturbing and extremely uncomfortable.

This happened after a series of miscommunication where I thought she wanted me to elaborate and she just would stare at me?? And she said that staring apparently is concern?? She also greatly misunderstood me coming out as ace (she talks a ton about her sexuality. She has little filter) and ended up comparing me to Jeffrey Dahmer because of it -_-

We've come to an "agreement" where I just w6ont mention anything personal or my life but she still overshare a ton. I know my experiences are pretty extreme compared to a life without trauma, but it sucks to have confirmation that I just.. can't talk to anyone about anything in my life because it's too disturbing or sad. So many things talk about having a support network but I literally cannot have one because even a tiny bit of stuff is too much and if I think I'm close to someone and try to talk (asking if they're okay with it first) they end up distancing from me because of it.

Is it bad that it kinda hurts? Like I guess sometimes it sucks being reminded that I'll never have actual friends (not acquaintances) or family or anything that other people seem to have. I know I should just accept that because of who I am and my life circumstances I'll never have a support network of any kind or even long lasting friends, but sometimes I'm not very good at accepting that.

I know ""everyone deserves family"" but with my life my experiences are so vastly different that i struggle to relate with anyone and no one has ever related to me, or wants to.

I also can't afford a therapist or anything. My job is online and because I graduated early (all online) there's no easy way of making friends either. I feel like I squandered any chance at making friends growing up because I focused too much on surviving.

Hi anon,

This sounds complicated and I’m sad for you.

First of all, you’re absolutely allowed to feel hurt. And if I can just be blunt, your roommate is being shitty. While it’s valid to have boundaries, I’m not a fan of when people make things unequal to that extreme.

It’s complicated because people are allowed to have boundaries, but try and be mindful that these don’t end up leaving the relationship “unfair”.

My friend and I were talking about this the other day where she knew someone who had hard boundaries and always looked out for herself and wouldn’t inconvenience herself for anyone. Not romantic partners, best friends or anyone. Which is super valid and her choice but the problem is she expected everyone else to go above and beyond for her. I think at that point, things become unfair. And that’s a similar impression to what I get here.

I struggle with making friends. I always have. Both my last two relationships were people I met online. (On Tumblr actually). And my friend of 12 years I just met for the first time in person last week (I met her on FanFiction.net originally and she got me into tumblr). What I’m trying to say is that I’ve been able to have fulfilling friendships online and found it easier to find people with similar interests. Before I met my friend of 12 years, I still found our friendship fulfilling and something I loved about my life. I also have a couple other online friends that I enjoy having relationships with. We send dog pics, and offer support.

It’s not easy, and some people end up disappointing, but I do think it’s possible to make friends.

It is allowed to hurt. And you are allowed to grieve for what you don’t have. You’re allowed to feel these things. These feelings are so valid. And I’m definitely not trying to tell you what to do but I don’t think it’s hopeless.

Could you try finding a support group online? Or even just a space to talk about your interests to meet other like minded people?

[kygerbearr]

idk how to word this in a way that doesn't come off as traumadumping or exactly what I want to express but from like 2013 to i think it was 2019 I had an abuser (no details for you) and as a result I have been diagnosed with ptsd with heavy dissociation and as a result I kind of do not remember much about it but I DO keep in contact with people who still know him and that creates a very bewildering set of circumstances where i'm now aware of a person who, at this point in my life, is literally just some guy that i may as well have never met. so theres just a guy who like hates me for ??? (leaving?) and i just gotta be like. damn. sorry about that hope you feel better soon

i'm sometimes worried that theyre stalking me on social media but i do not know if they know i have a tumblr and if they do have a tumblr they would never end up in the same circles as me so it's just like. idk. its awkward when people come up to you describing years of history and you gotta be like "oh thats wild. yeah sorry i literally dont remember any of that but I believe you"

i am probably safe though. though there is one other abuser who is 10x more likely to be stalking me i'd still never know because last time i found out they were i told them to never contact me again and i think that sent a message. anyway this isn't a vent post or a trauma post i think it is just a perspective thats vital to understanding my circumstances and where i come from. you will not be getting any of the details that i remember because you are not my therapist and i also dont feel bad about any of it anymore i just deal with the symptoms and carry on with my life

[dead-air-radio]

Omg here's me just talking about my day so if you're here for gore and sexual stuff this is not it. This is more like a rant/vent lmao so if you're here for me this is for you lmao

Bro I need you guys to understand how much I love this friend of mine. Like not in a romantic or platonic way like neither. He's genuinely like god I don't know what I'd do without him he's literally family, him and their gf are literally closer to me than my actual family and they are in fact my family. Like okay family lore guys gather round but when I had first met my ex it was by one of my best friends if your an Og you know her as M. And pretty much she had 2 best friends that were her ride or die for like 7years and one was my ex and the other was the dude I'm talking about in the beginning I legit might as well just call him my dad cause we'll he is. He was there for me throughout me and my exes relationship and he'd talk with me a lot and we like bonded instantly into like mentor type ass bond. And when my ex started becoming more and more abusive I thought my dad( my friend) would side with him cause yknow people usually side with the person they know longer and they were best friends. And at first I'd talk about it and he never once made me feel like he thought I was lying or that he didn't care. Ofc in the beginning he chopped my ex being so harsh and stuff to 'oh that's always him he's my brother and he'd do nothing like that on purpose I'll give him a talk and just know it's okay to tell me these things etc etc." At the time he was in a bit of disbelief cause well the way my ex acted towards people was like slowly ramping up.

And then I full on had confessed to my dad how he would do certain things (which I didn't even consider rape or abuse at the time) and immediately he just blocked him he sent a message before he did to my ex being like " hey the way you treat Sawyer who you know I see as my son is not smth I want in my life and if you don't cut the shit I don't want to talk to you nor do I want you going around sawyer" (when I read these messages i cried so hard lol I love my dad sm) also my dad (still talking about my friend guys lol) he's a pyshcology major and he's becoming a therapist and when I was trying to detach myself from my ex it was really hard cause I thought I deserved it and it didn't count as rape etc etc.

Pretty much I didn't want to write this man out to be a rapist especially to his 2 best friends. When I had told them about what he did to me it was as a reason why I was gonna stop talking to all of them cause I didn't want to paint him to be a bad person and that i knew if i kept talking about it to them they wouldn't like him so I was basically just trying to pretend like I was never introduced to them so they could keep liking my ex as their brother. But both have stayed by my side even after me n my ex stopped talking. They hate him which makes me feel guilty but I'm glad they've been here with me. I would not be alive if it wasn't for M and my dad. (This is the ex that made me stop using all socials and cut myself off the face of the earth and decided maybe I should try tumblr cause no one I know uses it and I could vent there so you can thank him for you guys hearing this ig lolz)

Anyways lore aside present time so my ex lived a couple hrs away from me but in the same state and M lives like a couple mins from me but my dad lives in a whole other different state and I've only seen him once in person and it was the week my ex and me stopped talking and the week I almost committed suicide but like after my attempt the next day he was pretty much at my door and it was so amazing I love him so much. And then after that day he had to go drive back home :( and it's been almost a year since I first saw him.

Cut to today and he surprised me last week saying how I'd feel if we went out to eat. And I'm like bro I'd love that but your not here only for him to say he'd be coming to see me and we hung out today for the second time in person and guys I'm literally in love with this man like not romantically like idk hoe to express that this dude is literally my dad I love him like he's my own blood. And he got me sushi and refused to let me pay. He got mad at me anytime I looked at price tags lol.

He's just so great. We only had 5hrs to hangout and he surprised me with a new skateboard so we went skating together too and now the day is over and he's already on his way home :( I miss him so much anyways this post was just me talking about how much I love my dad lol and I'll post pics of my skate board too <3. This genuinely was one of my fav days I loved seeing him and I got a gift from his gf (literally my mom lol) and it's a little wolf stuffy. And they said it reminded them of me. Cause even irl people joke about me being a puppy/dog boy lol. Anyways guys I'm not fatherless lmao. I just miss them and it's gonna make me sad they had to leave lmao

[builtlikeastickofcelery]

get up cocksuckers were personalposting on main !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can literally and viscerally feel the end of my relationship coming??????????????????????????????????? and like,,,,,,,,,i knew it obviously bc we're young and were pretty different but DAMN i did not think it would Hurt like this bc it never has bc i never emotionally attach myself (to romantic relationships specifically on purpose!!!!!!!!! like jesus christ we should be similar on paper but no !!!!!!!! our senses of humor are completely different and that is the only way i know how to connect with people !!!!!!!!!!!!! what the fuck am i supposed to do????????? and theyre always telling me i shoulld probably get a therapist, or get medication, etc etc and !!!! i cannot do those things!! i have tried!!!!!!! but i dont want to say that to them bc their last (really really shitty ex) was the type of person to say things that were obvious cries for help and then brush them off for some sort of attention and i have been repeatedly told that there is nothing i need treatment for by doctors !!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont know what to do.

also its fair to mention that they are Pretty White and have a very different family dynamic to mine, which, despite being very minimally east asian is still pretty east asian, and also that while both our families are solidly upper middle class they live in a higher income area of our town super close to where the rich rich people live and constantly refer to/make jokes about it being better (not on purpose and i don't think they get why it bothers me a little). i dont know how to talk to them about this without sounding like a nepo baby trying to convince the public they were a struggling self-made actor. and ofc if it falls apart itll probably be my fault bc i dont know how to talk to them about things that bother me bc i dont want to be like their shitty and weird and creepy ex (who is in one of my classes and is constantly trying to make eye contact with me and tried to get my number as well).

i like them a lot, and also crushed super bad on them for 6 months before we started dating and two years ago when i met them i sort of liked them aswell, but more and more im realizing that i dont even know if i wanted to be with them or just be them -> be whiter (i have JOURNALED about this!!!!!!!!!!!!) especially when i realize that were different in too many ways and also that i dont know how to be emotionally vulnerable with them specifically bc of that!!!!!!!! a lot of their friends rn are slightly not stable (or really not stable) and i dont know how to say any of this to them without fucking up their mental state. not to mention that october-december was a really shitty time for them last year and also that i dont want to be the one who ends things because i still really super like them but at the same time sort of resent them for having things i want??????????? but not when im with or near them only when im getting insecure in my rroom which has been happening a lot for some reason!!!!! also two of their very close friends (one is a mutual friend of ours but she's closer to them) are both really weird about us dating at least to me, like the mutual friend lied to me about them not liking me for seemingly no reason right before we got together which significantly delayed it and the other.......i dont even know she jsut always gives me weird looks whenever she sees me and whenever i take the bus with them they sit together and she locks me out of the conversation. i also dont know her very well, so idk.

plus my partner has a weird habit of not engaging with me at all whatsoever (as in having a conversation with another person while also sitting fairly far away from me or not talking to me at all annd staring at their phone) but then being annoyed when i dont try to join to conversation or engage with them. its also fair to note that they are allistic and tbh as someone with a lot of adhd/autistic tendencies (i sort of Suspect myself of audhd but i can never be sure) it actually affects the relationship for me which is insane bc usually i dont Feel it like that. like im fairly certain i mask ??????/ (again no clear diagnosis other than family history of being undiagnosed w/ something) and while i dont mask around my close friends i do still mask, even if its not as heavily, around my partner, who ive known longer than some of those friends. the only time i wasn't masking in some sort of way while we were dating was a day when i was so drained i also ended up sleeping on their couch for like thirty minutes bc i could barely stay awake. i just dont know what to do. in the past ive usually been the person more innvested or into the relationship and i can almost feel that happening again and i dont know why or how.

anyway no pressure t9o reply or annythhing to tthis i just nneeded to get this out into the air

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

hiiiiiiii we havent sent you any asks for some time. mostly because kanra didnt front much

[idk if you can recognize us after all the url changes]

ereyesterday our their of pissed suggested getting into an outpatient psychward and told us to think about it. and silver[headmate] made a post on the tumbler saying that this could be a bad idea because somewhat recently i made a hole in a wall and less than a week ago Lyra messed up a cupboard. as if we're the only ones who on occasion damage stuff when angered. this is literally so mean for no reason.

also. a few months ago shinra had an accident with a knife. and we got a fun new 1 inch long scar and possibly a little bit of nerve damage or something. and we were supposed to get some reminder tetanus shot around a month after that since i had no idea when was my previous tetanus shot. and i uhhhhhhh didn't get it since i'm scared of doctors, and it would probably seem quite weird if i went to a doctor about this now

also im sorta balding but. scared of doctors so cant do anything about that

last sunday i was in some social studies class or some other shit. and the teacher said something about how lgbt people were never oppressed in this country. which is a very bold thing to say as someone living in a country in which like a quarter of the area declared itself a "lgbt free zone" and only calmed down a little when the european onion told them that that's probably illegal. and i decided to argue with the teacher a bit. one of the things she said was that sometimes there's dudes in pup masks on pride parades, which invokes disgust and thus should be banned, and. idk why but i kinda expected teachers to have a bit more common sense than 14 year old twitter users. also i came to school wearing a spiked dog collar on a regular basis. [for reasons unrelated to kink.]

well. good thing i'm failing every single one of my classes lmao. at least i won't be invoking disgust in fragile old ladies

also. i just met a doggy and he was very niceys. very soft and friendly. and polite also.

- toby

HOW COULD I NOT RECOGNIZE U MY BESTIE IN CHRIST <3 u changed ur url a binch of times but ur icon remained the same sdlfndnfkjsnsdf so i was able to keep track!

i however do not understand a single word of that first paragraph. if u want my advice, DO NOT. FUCKING GO. TO A PSYCH WARD!!!!! idfc Who it helped, it hurts a lot more than it helps, theres NO WAY to tell which psych wards are good and which are shit. no really let me go thru them all rn:

REFERRALS: most professionals that work in different offices do not know each other on a personal level and may never hear of their bad stories. a doctor that was the chillest coolest doctor id ever met referred me to a psychiatrist that sucked fucking ass shit. there is no way to know for sure

GOOGLE REVIEWS: im gonna b real i dont trust some of those mfs. you seen the guys that go into psych wards? a lot of mentally ill people r internalizers and just accept whatever happens to them, and even if they arent, society looks down on the mentally ill SO MUCH that they could b told "you deserve this bc ur crazy" and due to all this societal gaslighting, theyd agree

REVIEWS ON OTHER WEBSITES: same thing lol

why is this so important? because you cannot Fucking leave a psych ward. an outpatient ward yeah you can leave, but ive been to both in and outpatient and they excert the same level of bullshit control over their patients. in outpatient, one of the therapist told me "you are not mentally ill" and made me cry lol. she MEANT to mean it in a "you're not mentally ill, you're ~suffering from a mental illness~ uwu dont let ur disorder define you" kinda way, but that concept was introduced in therapy..... two days after she told me this. like hello? and then she tried to spin it as like, it was a problem with Me i.e. My PTSD Was Triggered and not She Is Dog Shit At Timing The Explaining Of Concepts.

this place also invited my abuser into group therapy even after me incessantly telling them "this is my abuser, she will use all this against me" and yeah guess what she did immidiatley after lol

dont go to wards.

WRT THE KNIFE: damn :0 thats insane dude, hopefully the nerve damage will heal but from experience its gonna take like, a few years at minimum lmao. i had a Knife Incident involving my pinky and the nerve damage was so bad that i couldnt hold scissors w my pinky in the scissor loop thing but evenchually it got better but it took like 4 years. if the knife was clean and not rusty ur risk of tetanus is pretty low i THINK, do not quote me on this. if ur scared of doctors, look into if ur pharmacy offers tetanus shots! some pharmacies have vaccinations other than flu and covid (which i need 2 get lol rip) so u might be able to get one THERE and not see A Doctor about it!

u dont need a doctor for the balding. minoxidil my dear boy, its at walmart, its the stuff thats in rogaine. you want "minoxidil 5%" thats whats in rogaine, theres "minoxidil 3%" thats For Girls but idk ive never heard of anyone having a problem w it. IT IS TOXIC TO CATS THOUGH IT IS VERY VERY TOXIC TO CATS IF YOU HAVE A CAT DO NOT LET THEM FUCKING TOUCH YOU OR RUB ON YOU UNTIL IT DRIES ok? :) id google more if i were u but boom. problem solved. i am the doctor now

"dog masks invoke disgust and should be banned" babygirl disgust is subjective and like, someone could use that logic to ban whatever YOU like, or Are. maybe someone is really disgusted by lil old ladies bc the wrinkles look gross as fuck to them. should we quarrantine the grandmas?

also lol at the dig against 14 year old internet puritans and then surprise surprise guess what happened on This Very Blog while this ask was sitting n collecting dust!! i gotta b on my best behavior bc theres a nonzero chance that The Feds will be looking at this blog (did u know u dont report cybercrime to local police and instead theres a form on the fbi's website? Well Now You Know!) and that goes 4 all of u too. bart please be good..... for the love of GOD please be good....... please tell me yall know that simpsons scene

also also yay doggy!! was it a regular dog or a dude in a pup mask? either way very fun n cool!!!

[muttfangs]

vent 👍

being autistic is really like. double edged for me in so many different facets and ways. primarily in social circles. I'm an incredibly outspoken, confident, and passionate person in partial thanks to my autism. but like. in western culture this is BAD. rocking the boat is BAD. being loud is BAD. having actual opinions is BAD. being anything other than complacent and nice is BAD. something I've been discussing with my therapist recently is how like.............. i feel as though when I speak to people I'm speaking an entirely different language altogether. I feel like when I attempt to convey something it's almost always interpreted as the worst faith version of what I could have conveyed to the person hearing me speak. and I *don't* want to make myself more digestible or smaller or defang myself because ppl willfully assume the worst of my passions when I speak about them. which is primarily like, leftist politics. last night I got in a fight with a """"moderator"""" on my wow guild's discord because I aired frustrations in the disc's vent channel about how dehumanizing it feels when cis people scoff and act disgusted with me at work when I ask them the "gender identity and pronouns" sections that I ask... literally every patient. and her & her husands response was "well not all cis people are like that" "blanket statements are bad" and people agreed with them, saying shit like "some people make it really hard to be their ally" (AS IF ALLYSHIP IS SOMETHING CISHET PPL WANT TO REVOKE FROM US FOR BEING "BAD" TRANNYFAGS LMFAOOOO I HOPE YOU GET HIT BY A CAR) ??????? it makes me want to fucking go feral and SCREAM. y'all are disgusting and incredibly insensitive. you're CHOOSING to prioritize your fucking hurt feelings over someone expressing grief over systemic oppression every day FROM CIS PEOPLE :) obviously DUH NO FUCKING SHIT I don't mean every cis person on earth. stupid fucking selfish cunts. you do realize you're making the argument in favor of cis people far worse, right? you realize you're making yourselves look like selfish, callous pricks, yes? because you are! it makes me feel fucking legitimately gaslit like this is actually *me* being an unlikable person when I know it isn't. because when I've had a spine about how I feel about my lived experiences as a trans person before (or my politics in general), I've been met with similar animosity from MMO communities that I was a part of claiming i'm "being disruptive" or "causing drama". it's always centralized around cis people's hurt fucking feelings rather than expressing solidarity with someone who feels FUCKING DEHUMANIZED every day. it makes me feel fucking insane. and this is NOT a matter of compromise. I'm not gonna fucking pat a cis person's tears dry after I say "cis people treat my communities like shit" and they scream back "BUH BUH NOT ALL CIS PEOPLE :(" you ARE one of those cis people if your reaction is to respond that way. and you're actively making the world a worse place to exist in. this type of shit makes me NEVER want to engage in online spaces from MMORPGs ever again. it makes me feel incredibly unwelcome. fuck y'all. grow a spine.

[harfblarf]

under the auspicious moon of pride month, i will take a moment to shed cringe and make a post celebrating my niche blorbos. (Uh, ambiguous spoilers involved.)

under a cut to make my derangement an optional experience

This is my penultimate cringefail loserhusband, Shion Ribellion. He's a normal, kind of lame, kind of lazy dude who got launched into a fantasy novel as the aide of the Fallen-From-Grace Big Bad of the novel "The Holy Sword", but pre the Big-Bad-ening. The guy he became-- that is, Shion Ribellion-- was supposed to die after uncovering shady secrets of his boss' past.

He is by all accounts the weirdest fuck anyone has ever met and borderline entirely useless, except when he comes in clutch in ways no one knew was an option. It's never cool when he does it its just wildly unanticipated and often painfully earnest.

He is frequently (deservedly) bullied and it brings me immeasurable joy.

He's also the originally-kinda-reluctant now-very-passionate #1 defender, supporter, and Therapist Friend to this guy, Duke Serpens. His last name is important or something but Shion exclusively calls him by his first name because courtly etiquette could bite him directly on the nose and he'd still forget about it 5 minutes later.

Don't be fooled by his delicate good looks though, this bitch is an obsessively calculated manipulator and genuinely overpowered swordsman. The only thing standing between him and falling to the dark side is Shinon's persistent sincerity and loyalty. (No, like, REALLY the only thing. Serpens had an abusive upbringing and yada yada, but the story goes to great lengths to outline how it was a broad communal failing and strong Bystander Effect that led to Serpens' obsessive perfectionism, emotional dissociation, and subsequent downfall in the 'original' story.)

Shinon's indignance on his behalf and insistent questing for Serpens' life to improve (with tasks such as: get Serpens to admit he likes sweets! Get Serpens to pick up a hobby!) is the First time anyone has cared about him as a person and while he is understandably Incredibly Suspicious of Shion to start, they like... actually communicate?? And while both sides still keep secrets, they also acknowledge that to each other. That open communication and efforts toward bonding brings them closer, and both choose to trust each other over and over again.

The story, "The Duke's Redemption", isn't tagged BL/gay, but there is very little strictly heterosexual explanation for most of their interactions. Whatever they are, it's potent. And so fucking funny.

90% of the time, Shion is my absolute cringefail husband, the first character I've truly, deeply UNDERSTOOD the appeal of a failguy:

He has no practical skills aside from basic paperwork competency and most of the time has no fucking idea what's going on. His literal only credit is an ounce of emotional intelligence and a strong (if chronically unwise) moral compass.

He's so ridiculous that Serpens, the chronic overachiever-perfectionist who has never had a friend he's honest with, makes faces like this at him:

FOR SERPENS THIS IS A LOT.

They manipulate each other endlessly, with both of them fully aware but still suckers for it. Serpens bullies Shion in ways he can't even argue against, but always toes the line and offers sincere (if stilted) compliments alongside his blunt criticisms. Shion, useless clown that he is, puppyeyes at Serpens and mysteriously this always seems to help his case.

The story frequently indulges-- gleefully, openly, and knowingly-- in ridiculous character tropes, like Serpens' tendency to literally just like escape out windows when emotionally overwhelmed, then uses them for character growth and emotional beats.

Serpens puts his Guy through Situations but always, always stands at his back to make sure he gets out safely, and by like chapter 13 half the shit he pulls to bully Shion is a thinly veiled effort to ensure his safety.

They do shit like this:

And Shion is CONSTANTLY getting up in Serpens' space unconsciously and fretting over him (despite being demonstrably and chronically more vulnerable both physically and emotionally- though in his defense he's definitely more resilient/better at bouncing back).

Multiple characters have commented on how close and casual their relationship is, to the fluster of Shion and the apparent wariness or feigned ignorance of Serpens. (He acknowledges in private how much he lets Shion get away with, but clearly bristles when he knows other people are clocking Shion's importance and unique position.) Serpens is so much stiffer than Shion that when undercover they have been mistaken for having their roles reversed (that is, that Shion is the higher noble and Serpens his guard/assistant). And yet Shion gets away with everything and Serpens doesn't even bat an eye.

Canonically they are like almost definitely not gay. Probably. And I'm okay with that because their canon relationship is REALLY good and well-paced and, I cannot emphasize enough, fucking hilarious. But in my HEART they are so in love with each other it's STUPID. I care about them more than words can say. I have so many screenshots of them. They are so stupid I would kill for them I WISH they had a proper English-speaking fandom bc I am FROTHING AT THE MOUTH and painfully monolingual so even if they DO have a Korean fanbase I cannot touch it 😭

[This has been unhinged manwha posting with harf]

[azsazz]

Kind of a personal question so feel free to ignore it but have u ever dated anyone? What was ur first relationship like?

Oooh getting deep I see.

Sooooo, this is actually like not a great story...and i basically just word vomited my life on here 😅

TW: mentions of poor mental/physical health, cancer

Yeah, I've only been in one relationship and it lasted for 3 years (too long) lol.

It was great at the start. I'd met him when I went away for college and we were friends which is what I liked the most. We met at a karaoke bar my school had that my friends and I would go to every Thursday night and so would he and his friends so we all kind of became this large group that did that almost every week.

And it was my first relationship ever you know so I was all dumb and head over heels and the whole thing was just a mess looking at it now. My family and friends didn't like him and I became a terrible friend because I would basically spend all of my time with him and not them, so when we broke up I had like no friends of my own because we would only hang out with his friends and that's a whole other mess I won't get into haha.

But basically we were together and things just got worse and worse. He was very jealous and overbearing, had to know where I was and what I was doing all of the time and when we first got together he would tell me what he was doing all of the time and I'd be like okay? I don't need (or care) to know what you're doing all of the time, that was just a natural thing for him I guess. So then he conditioned me to basically be the same way and it was awful and I hated it.

Eventually, things were so stressful. I'd gained so much weight and I was deeply unhappy. All of my relationships were strained and I had no one to turn to. If we fought I'd basically have nowhere to go if I needed time to get away. He chased me down in his car once when all I wanted was some space to think.

Towards the end of our relationship I was literally the most miserable person ever. I hated everything and I started feeling even worse. I got a cold around my 22nd birthday and then that turned into something much worse. I kept getting sicker and sicker and I had no idea why. The doctors I went to thought I had an ear infection, then bronchitis, then that again. They just kept giving me medication for things that weren't helping.

I'd be freezing cold at night but wake up sweatier than ever.

And one day I literally just blurted out during a fight that we should just break up and then we did.

I lost like 30 pounds in a week but was sicker than a dog and I thought it was just because I was sad or whatever and I went to a therapist who literally said to me "Why are you so negative?" I'll never forget that. like lady i'm here to tell you about my problems what fucking part of that is positive?

Like legit I could barely go to class because I was so sick, I had no motivation to do anything. I'd go to class, come home, and go to bed. I barely even did homework because I had no energy.

I visited my brother at his school which was five hours from mine and my parents were there visiting him for a weekend and by the end when it was time for me to drive myself back I started bawling my eyes out and pleading to my parents that i didn't want to because I felt so awful it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Fast forward to thanksgiving break, i went to see another doctor in my hometown because I was still sick (so it started september and it was now november) and she said lets wait a few more weeks, see if this goes away and we'll check again at winter break (december).

So i go back to school and am miserable and finish my classes and I come home at christmas break and am trying my best to tough it out. I was literally the most miserable person on the planet i can't stress this enough how awful i felt. I had no energy to do anything, I'd be so angry at everyone for no reason, and I'd had a terrible cough, nothing was going alright.

At the time my two other siblings were still at school so it was my parents, my little brother, and i. My mom said "if you want to go to the hospital let me know." and i had a friend over at the time so i tried to tough it out but in the end i wanted to go to the hospital.

Basically they told me that I had stage 4 cancer (Non-Hodgkins lymphoma) and man I was in utter shock.

And then I had to leave school to get treatment so I moved back home for that.

So basically long story short I haven't been in a relationship (or even kissed/slept with anyone) since (4 years now, im 26 😳) because now I have this irrational fear that I'll get sick again or something and I just like don't even know how to talk to people or want to talk to them. And I just don't want any of that shit to happen again so idk what im doing with my life in terms of relationships lol.

But I've been in recovery since the middle of 2019 so I am very grateful for that.

sorry for the longest answer in the world that really took a turn. if you read all the way through thank you 💙

And if you should ever need someone to talk to about anything, I am here for you 100% 💙💙