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stephaniesramblings · 3 years

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My relationship with sports/athletics has always been an interesting one. Competitiveness runs in my blood. I get it from my Dad. He had two stories he would tell about himself and sports. 1 was how angry his Dad got when he was in high school and the coach didn’t put him in as point guard in the state championship. They lost. The other was how when he was in little league his coach told him to crouch down so he would get walked every at-bat. Yes, my Dad was a short guy. In basketball they called him “Mouse”. He had a lot of spunk. He was scrappy and he could get heated when he was in the midst of battling on the basketball court, or in any other sport he played.

Well, I think I get it from him. As a kiddo, my greatest sporting accomplishments were:

1st grade field day, I earned 1st place in the sprint. I was always proud of this, but became even more proud when I was in my early 20’s. I received a message on FB from a guy I had gone to school with. He had done track in college and took it upon himself to message and tell me that I was the only girl that ever beat him in a race. I guess I should have been offended, but I wasn’t.

The other was my short-lived soccer career. I think I was about 7. I had never played soccer before. How hard could it be? During the try-out I won yet another sprint. So, I made the team. I would pick it up as I went along, right? Well, I was able to get the ball just fine and I could kick it SO far. The only issue was that everytime I kicked it with all my might, it went out of bounds. To the point where I was put in goal, or told to hang down by our net and get the ball away from the other team. Hopefully with all that field in front of me I could just kick it to the coach’s son. It went ok.

When I got to middle school, I tried again. I signed up to play basketball. The school I was at was a small private school, so the girl’s team went from 6-12 grade. I was a benchwarmer being in 6th grade and having little to no skill. It had its ups and downs. One of the first and maybe only times I was put in the game, I got so flustered, I shot on the other team’s net. The entire place was yelling “NOOOOO!”. It didn’t go in luckily, but I was on the bench for a while after that. The times that I felt like I contributed were always on the defensive side of things. I was scrappy like my Dad. I could steal the ball. I angered some of the girls on the other team. Even one time having a girl yell at the ref when I stole the ball from her. A foul was not called, and I let her know about it. It should be noted, Dad always came to watch me and to cheer me on. Even though I mostly rode the bench. He loved it, and of course thought my coach should have put me in more too.

Well, that was kind of the end of it when it came to me and sports. I played a little basketball and floor hockey with the youth group, but never really felt very good at it.

So it was kind of surprising when I was 29, I was working in a lab and two of my coworkers started talking to me about roller derby. As with a lot of derby player’s stories, I saw Whip It, and thought it looked awesome. I wondered if that sort of thing existed, but I didn’t pursue it. My coworkers “Kenya Diggit” and “HK” (I don’t remember what it stood for) would tell me how great it was and how it is quite a commitment. It was not just a sport. I am glad they warned me! I think in my head I considered a sports league like a bowling league or something. Pay your dues, show up on whatever night. Not derby. Other than feeling very down on myself and wanting to get some exercise, I had no other reason to do this. I had tried skating at a few birthday parties at Roller Kingdom growing up. I would switch between skates and blades and usually ended up on the rollerblades, but barely keeping myself up. Why would I do this? Well, I needed something. And they told me that they teach you everything. You just need to get the gear and show up. So I got myself to the skate shop, spent a LOT (to me) of money on all the gear, and figured if I do this, I won’t quit! This proved to be true. I showed up for the 1st night petrified. My friend who still skated, Kenya was a vet, and they were in a different area. I had to put myself out there. I am not a social butterfly, so this was more than just putting myself out there athletically. I had to talk to strangers! I had to try something I knew I would be terrible at, and all the while not knowing how everyone else around me would do. Well, it was a mixed bag. The overriding factor though was that we were all supporting each other at whatever level we were. We encouraged and cheered for each other when we got the thing we kept failing at over and over. I cried over this journey. I thought I would never get crossovers (still wish mine were better) and that I would never be able to transition, therefore I would never pass assessments and never make a team. I didn’t give up though. I don’t know how or why I didn’t, but I didn’t. At some point as I was progressing I watched the sport I was learning to play. Go figure. It only took me almost a year to check it out, but it changed the way I saw everything. I saw the strategy in it. I saw the reason each and every skill was important. It lit a fire in me to keep trying, and to play to my strengths. I never gave up on making my skills better, but they will never be perfect. I accepted myself though and felt pride for where I found myself. And yes, the Morrison competitiveness came out. I was and am a bully on the track. I still like to ruffle my opponent’s feathers. My brain is still geared toward defense. I found though, that I had confidence for maybe the 1st time ever in a sport. It changed me. I found myself on the travel team and going to tournaments. The bond with my teammates just got stronger. From the ones that watched my progression and trained me that were now my teammates, to the people I walked in with on that 1st night, we had a history and we celebrated each other getting it. We had highs and lows too, but we kept showing up and working to be better.

My mom told me the other day that the biggest change she has seen in me has been since roller derby. I love my mom. She always encourages me and tells me awesome I am. How I should be proud of what I've accomplished. It’s so funny to me that she said that because I’ve gone through career changes, marriage, separation, moves, family illness, divorce, you think those things must change you, and I’m sure they did. How funny though that something as silly as a sport or a league could literally give you the confidence to make decisions in your personal life that help you grow. To feel like you matter and you are strong enough to get through whatever obstacle is in front of you. There were nights I dragged myself to practice crying the entire way because of everything going on in my life. I would leave there feeling like I left the weight of the world inside Roll On America.

My Dad was so proud of me because of roller derby. He would always talk about it even in the last few months that I had with him at home. “When are you going up to Maine to play?” My big brother also came to a game the last season before the pandemic. I won MVP that game. I think he had tears in his eyes after. He was so proud of me too. I cried after he left in front of all my league mates that were there. I got all the derby hugs 💚. The beautiful thing is that you don't even need to tell your team what you're going though. They just know how to be supportive in all the little ways. I'm so thankful for these last 8 years and I'm not quitting anytime soon.

Roller derby saved my life.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

#photobytimsullivanart #rollerderby #family #health & fitness #sports #don't quit

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trashforhockeyguys · 5 years

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Need The Sun-3- Tyler Seguin

A/N: warning lots of angst. Again, I apologize. And I had to repost because my tags broke apparently.

Move Together- James Bay

You felt like shit. Well, you felt worse than that. But the game was the only thing Ella could talk about. If you didn’t take her, she’d cry for days and say she hates you, over and over again. You knew she never meant it, especially when she’d always end up crawling in bed with you at some point during the night, but it was still something you tried to avoid. Not to mention that, even though he would deny it, Tyler always played better when she was there.

But if you didn’t have Ella, you would be in bed, not moving for anything. It would be one of those times where someone would have to take care of you because you didn’t have the energy to do it yourself. But you had Ella. You had to take care of her and push through everything for her.

“Mommy?”

“Yes, baby?”

“When will daddy be out?”

You adjusted where she was sitting on your hip and sighed. They were, for some reason, running a little late and she was already getting impatient. You couldn’t blame her though, hockey was already one of her favorite things. She loved watching the team.

“Soon, baby, I promise.”

She fidgeted in your arms some more. All you could do was wait for the game to start. You’d missed a good part of warm-ups because Ella had to go to the bathroom, and you were so sure she’d have a meltdown over it. But he came right to the glass as soon as you guys came out of the tunnel, he’d been looking for you.

Ella had squealed when he came over and started waving frantically. He poked the glass, right where her nose was, yet another thing he’d been doing since she was a baby, and mouthed a quick hello to you before skating off.

She hadn’t stopped buzzing since. As if a four-year-old needed an adrenaline rush, but that’s exactly what hockey gave her. You knew that, for obvious reasons, she wouldn’t remember her first NHL game, but she’d have so many memories to look back on when she was older. Maybe this would be the one time she’d never remember that her parents weren’t together anymore.

“Look look look!” She chanted, bouncing in your arms as she pointed across the ice, “Daddy! And Uncle Jammieee!”

You smiled as she screamed along with everyone else in the arena. Her little pigtails bounced with her. You wished you could just freeze time for a second just so you could enjoy the pure joy that she was feeling.

She didn’t dare tear her eyes away from the ice during the first puck drop, or any moment when Tyler was on the ice. You were pretty sure she never lost sight of the 91 on the back of his jersey. She always knew exactly where he was.

Once the play would stop, she’d turn to you and start talking about everything they could’ve done better, passes they should’ve made but didn’t, and opportunities that they had but didn’t take. She knew more about the game than you did. She understood the way it worked, all of the mechanics of it. Which blew your mind, she couldn’t read yet, her vocabulary was still small because of how little she was, but she could recite very hockey term with no problem. You knew it was only a matter of time before she started asking if she could play.

“Bad Uncle Rads,” She pouted as he skated to the penalty box, “Mommy! He can’t do that. He has timeout.”

You smiled and kissed the top of her head, “He knows that baby, but sometimes they can’t help it.”

“Daddy needs to score,” She stated, “They’re losing.”

“They’ll make it happen, just wait,” You encouraged, “You know he’ll score for you.”

He’d do his best at least. That was always his promise. He’d score for her. Once upon a time he always said he’d score for you, he’d do his best for you, but you’d lost that right and you knew it.

There came a time during the game when you couldn’t watch them anymore, you just watched Ella. The way her eyes got wider when they came close to scoring. Or how she’d clench onto her bear when someone got hit. Her big smile that would quickly turn into a frown when they did something she didn’t like.

She’d yell at the refs, just like everyone else. She’d yell at the players, never anything bad because she ‘never wanted to hurt their feelings’. But she wouldn’t miss an opportunity to call them out when she saw them later. However, her criticism was always met with a hug and sometimes a little kiss on the cheek.

That was one reason you continued to follow Tyler from Canada to Dallas every year. She loved the team, and you couldn’t deny her the time she needed with her father and the rest of the guys. They’d been her family from the day she was born and half of them crowded into the hospital room to see her. Just like Tyler, they’d do almost anything for her, and that was evident throughout the whole process of the divorce. They’d stepped up in a way you hadn’t expected. None of them understood why you and Tyler were separating, but they supported you, all three of you, in ways you couldn’t have imagined they would.

“Can we go see them after the game?” She asked you, already knowing you’d say yes.

“They’ll come find us if we don’t,” You joked, “Although, they’ll be in a better mood if they’d score another goal.”

She frowned and looked back at the ice, “Bear Bear is good luck. They’ll score.”

You wanted to tell her that you were glad she was so sure. Your gut was telling you that overtime was coming, and that scared you. Overtime was the worst part of the game, you barely made it through every time. You’d told Tyler once that one more round of OT and you’d probably have a heart attack, that was nearly six years ago.

You gripped the extra fabric of Ella’s much too baggy jersey. You hoped she wouldn’t be able to feel your nerves, but at this point, it was better than the exhaustion that was also threatening to take you down.

You almost didn’t see when Jamie got the puck and started racing down the ice, with Tyler right behind him. One fake, a drop pass, and a gorgeous shot by Tyler, and the buzzer was going off. Ella jumped up, standing on your legs as she screamed. They’d won, and true to his word Tyler scored for her.

Tyler searched the crowds and landed on us, his smile was big as he pointed at us, more specifically Ella. She squealed again and waved at him, blowing him a kiss. She spun around and wrapped her arms around you, hugging you as tight as she could. Tyler was still looking at the two of you, he smiled again and gave you a thumbs up.

Eventually, you picked Ella up and started to make your way down to the locker room. You’d wait with the rest of the families, just far enough away that you wouldn’t have to talk to any of the other wives or girlfriends. Some of them still weren’t happy with you because of the divorce.

You understood, they were protective over all of the guys, and you disrupted the peace. You’d hurt him, and the team stumbled for a little bit because of it. You’d thrown off his game and put a lot of them in an awkward position for a while. You knew that. But it’d been years, and some of them were still cold. You did what you could, but you knew nothing would change now.

“There’s my baby girl,” Tyler grinned as Ella jumped on him.

“Daddy! You scored! You won!” She cheered.

“All because you were here,” he kissed her forehead.

“AND Bear Bear!” She added, “And mommy. Mommy’s here too!”

“Can’t forget Bear Bear and Mommy,” he agreed, “I’m sorry Y/N, I know it’s late.”

“Daddy? Can I sleep at your house tonight? I promised the puppies I’d cuddle with them this week.”

He looked over at you. You knew if you said no he’d take the blame and make up some reason why she had to stay with you. He always did that, because she couldn’t stay mad at him. He’d started doing that when you two first separated and she’d yelled at you because you’d taken her from him for the first time. You’d cried for hours that night, and after that, he started to take the heat, even when you tried to take the fall yourself.

“Baby girl, why don’t you go see Uncle Jamie while I talk to Mom for a minute?”

He let her down and watched as she ran off. After making sure that she was safe with Jamie, he turned back to you. You knew he was giving you the once over, making sure everything seemed okay. But he stopped the second his eyes met yours, you could see the worry creeping back in. He knew with one real look.

“How tired are you?” He questioned carefully.

“I’m exhausted. I’d probably be asleep by now if it wasn’t a game night,” You admitted.

“How long have they been off? Your levels?”

You sighed and leaned against the wall, no longer feeling like you could properly keep yourself upright. He’d known that you were going back to the doctors again, mostly because Jamie told him. But you hadn’t told anyone how bad it was this time, or how no combination of meds seemed to make it right.

“A while.”

“Y/N…”

“I know, I promised I’d tell you. But it’s the middle of the season, and I thought I could handle it,” You swore, “I figured it wouldn’t be any worse than it has been before. But they can’t seem to get it to level back out and stabilize.”

He quickly moved forward to pull you into his chest. How many times in the last few years had he hugged you? How many times had you been this close? Aside from accidentally brushing against each other while taking care of Ella, or the family pictures you took every year on her birthday and Christmas, you rarely touched.

Yet here he was, holding you tightly in the middle of the hallway for all of the families to see. All of the teams and the reporters could take pictures of this if they wanted. But he didn’t seem to care, it was like all of his focus was on you now, making sure that you were okay.

“Y/N, you know you can always come to me, right?”

“I didn’t want you to think I was a bad mother. I’m trying so hard Ty, but I’m so tired. I don’t know how much I have left to give.”

You could feel your eyes starting to burn. You’d been taken out of work by your doctors because everything was just too unpredictable now. You barely knew how you’d feel day to day, let alone hour to hour. You were slowly starting to lose it, and you knew that. Part of you knew that Tyler now knew it too.

“Come back with us,” He mumbled into your hair, quiet enough that only you could hear, “Let me take care of both of you. You don’t have to do this alone.”

“Tyler, I can’t. We’re-”

“Yes, you can. Y/N, you can’t keep trying to push through this. You’re burning yourself out. Let me help, please. Ella will love it, and it won’t be forever. Just until you’re back on your feet again.”

You wanted to say no, you knew you needed to. The two of you being back in that house again wasn’t smart. You needed the distance before you did something you’d regret. Something that would ruin everything you had with him now.

But you couldn’t say no. You were too tired to say no. You didn’t have the energy to fight with him. You barely felt like you had the energy to hold up your own head. His hand was running over your back, trying to soothe you as best as he could.

You could hear Ella’s laugh just down the hall, followed by Jamie’s voice. She was telling him about the jersey she’d gotten for Bear Bear. They matched now, thanks to Tyler. He was telling her how Bear Bear was undoubtedly their good luck charm, just like she’d been saying.

“Please Y/N, I won’t be able to sleep if you don’t. I’ll just worry about you.”

You finally looked up at him. You could see the love stirring in his eyes, but you weren’t sure who it was directed at, you or Ella? But it didn’t seem to matter. You knew he cared. You knew he’d do anything for you, even still.

You couldn’t keep doing this alone, not right now. You sighed, feeling the weight pressing down on your chest. You just needed sleep, maybe things would be different in the morning.

“Just until I feel better.”

He nodded slowly, but somehow, he looked disappointed. He took a deep breath and stepped away from you. You wanted to reach out and wrap his arms back around you. You felt more alive in the few minutes that he held you than you had in months. You wanted to hate yourself for it, but you couldn’t. You’d spent a good majority of your life loving him. You’d had a child with him. And given the chance, you’d go back without a second thought. But had you not pushed him away, you wouldn’t have to go back.

Because the three of you would be going home, you wouldn’t be staying at his house, the house the two of you once shared. The house you’d lived in, brought your daughter to for the first time. The house you celebrated her first Christmas and birthday in.

You hadn’t been back to the house since the divorce. Birthdays were held on common ground now, normally at Jamie’s because he pulled godfather rank and said it was his job. For Christmas, if everything worked like it should, you all went back to Canada and found time for both sides of the family. For some reason, you both went to each, even though you no longer had to attend any in-law events. You’d both agreed that you were still family, and it was best for Ella.

You looked up at him, he was still watching you, but his eyes looked different now. They were closed off again, he was trying to shut you out. His eyes drifted over your shoulder towards the group of women. You felt your heart sink again, you knew they were glaring at you. You could feel them, practically boring holes in the back of your head, but you were too drained to fight back tonight.

“C’mon, if we stay any longer she will fall asleep either in Jamie’s arms or in the locker room.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time she’s done that,” You tried to joke.

“I’ll be right back.”

You moved so you could lean against the wall again. Tyler slowly made his way down the hall, where Ella was no surrounded by the team. She was taking care to show all of them Bear Bear’s new jersey, and scold a few of them for bad decisions they made during the game.

She was being pretty brutal with a few of the guys, but she’d quickly turn back and give them something positive. You wondered where she’d learned to do things like that. The guys seemed to love it though, even though they were being called out by a four-year-old, they all had big smiles on their faces. They apologized to her and promised to do better next time.

“I think you’ve got a future coach on your hands Seggy.”

“You’re telling me. She asked to watch game film with me last week.”

“I like watching you play, Daddy.”

He smiled and brushed some stray curls out of her face before kissing the top of her head. You could feel your heart stop for just a second. The one good thing that would come from you staying with Tyler was that they’d get more time together.

“I know you do princess,” His voice sounded so soft, “C’mon, it’s time to go home.”

“Home?”

“Well, the dogs are waiting for you, aren’t they?”

She nodded excitedly. She knew it wasn’t his week. Although, she saw him every week unless he was on a road trip. One thing you’d promised yourself was that you’d never keep them from each other. He had just as much say as you did. She wouldn’t be here without him. You’d never deny Tyler his daughter.

You waited for her to say goodbye and goodnight to the rest of the team. It took five minutes for the three of you to finally start making your way out of the arena. Ella was starting to doze off a bit, but you knew she’d be wide awake the second she got to the dogs.

Your legs started to feel like lead as you walked beside him. You just had to make it to his house, and then you could sleep. Maybe you’d be able to sleep at least eight hours, but that would require Ella not running and jumping on you at the crack of dawn. All you wanted was to sleep for a week.

“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” Tyler’s voice pulled you from your trance.

You looked down at your hands, your keys were in one, your other one was on your door handle, “Getting in my car so I can drive?”

“No,” his hand gently pulled yours away.

You hadn’t realized that he’d already put Ella in her car seat. But sure enough, you could see her, half asleep and barely able to keep her eyes open, through the open door. He pulled the keys out of your hand and started to gently push you towards his car.

“I’m not letting you drive like this,” He said softly, “You look like you’re ready to crash already. I can grab your car tomorrow.”

“Tyler.”

“Just get into the car, please?”

You looked up at him and opened your mouth to say something to try and get him to let you drive. But he cut you off before you could even try, “Y/N, please.”

You hadn’t heard the fear in his voice many times before. You couldn’t force yourself to look up at him, because you knew his eyes would be full of fear. The type of fear he only got when you were losing it. He’d given you that look before you got diagnosed, the day you’d told him you were pregnant, and the day you’d first mentioned the divorce. You couldn’t see it again.

Instead, you forced yourself to turn around and open his passenger door. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see his shoulders sag. Regret started to flood through you, you should’ve done a better job of hiding it this time. You shouldn’t have told him. He shouldn’t have to worry about you anymore, you weren’t his problem.

He didn’t say anything else as he shut Ella’s door and get in the car. You leaned your head against the cool window and closed your eyes. All of this was your fault. All of this could’ve been prevented.

“Hey,” His voice was low and soft as he gently shook you, “We’re hom- We’re here.”

Your chest tightened. Home. This was once your home, and now you were coming back to it. Almost like a walk of shame two years in the making. You looked up at the house. Part of you was scared to know how much he’d changed. But an even bigger part was absolutely terrified that this would still feel like home.

“I’ll get Ella,” You mumbled.

“Too late! I did it myself,” She stated, wiggling out of her car seat and reaching to open the door, “Puppies!”

You smiled without even realizing it. You’d almost forgotten how excited she got around the dogs. She’d tried to convince Tyler to let her take one when she came back after a longer stay, but there was no way you would’ve been able to take care of her and one of the pups. It didn’t matter how much you missed them, they weren’t part of the agreement. You had Ella most of the time, which was a mutual decision due to his schedule, but you couldn’t take the dogs from him. He needed them.

“Daddy hurry!” She exclaimed as she ran to the door.

“Are they crying?” You asked, hearing the dogs whining from behind the door.

“Yeah, they do that every time they hear her. Sometimes they mope for a while after she leaves.”

“Oh.”

Another shot to your chest. You knew he wasn’t saying any of this to try and hurt you. But all you could feel was the knife driving further and further into your heart. You could just hear the voice in your head saying that it was all your fault over and over again.

The second Tyler unlocked the door Ella bolted inside and jumped on the floor. You almost expected the dogs to go wild, but instead, aside from still whining, they all calmly crowded around her and started to lick her. After they all said hello they seemed to notice you were there.

“Hi boys,” You crouched down to be closer to them, a second later you were on the floor with all three dogs on top of you, “I know I missed you guys too.”

They were practically giving you a bath from the sheer number of kisses. You laughed, genuinely laughed, and tried to give each of them attention. You could feel yourself getting closer to bursting into tears. You hadn’t thought much about how much you missed the dogs, it was another thing you tried to distract yourself from.

“Boys, c’mon remember your manners,” Tyler scolded.

“Daddy I think they missed mommy.”

“Yeah baby, I think they did too,” He replied, “C’mon, time for your bath and then bed.”

“But daddy.”

You didn’t have to look over to know she was trying to get her way by giving him the look. Another year or two and she’d figure out that fake tears would get her everywhere with him. He looked over at you for a brief second, like he was asking for help.

“He’s right, baby, you need to go to bed.”

“Fine.”

Twenty minutes later, you were leaning against the door, watching as Tyler tucked her into bed. Her room hadn’t changed much, other than her having a few more toys and a big girl bed. There were a few more pictures of all of you on the dresser, and a little Stars jersey hanging on the wall with E. Seguin on the back.

Tyler was reading one of her favorite bedtime stories, but you both knew she’d be asleep before he even finished. She was already having a hard time staying awake during the bath. Just like you, game nights wiped her out.

“Goodnight baby girl,” he whispered once she was asleep.

You suddenly realized that you didn’t know what came next now. Ella was asleep. She was the only thing the two of you seemed to have in common now. You couldn’t even try to claim that you knew Tyler anymore, two years was a long time and both of you had changed a lot in those years.

“You should get some sleep,” He told you once you were back in the living room.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay,” you agreed.

“There are some old close in the spare room, they should be close to fitting you.”

You found yourself wandering down the hall. You’d never thought you’d sleep in the guest room. But then again, you hadn’t planned your life turning out this way when you and Tyler bought this house together. You never planned on leaving it…or leaving him.

You wanted to kick yourself. Why couldn’t he just act mad, for once? He never got mad throughout the entire divorce. He didn’t act mad, he didn’t say anything out of anger. But you could see that he was hurt. The entire time all you saw was hurt. You’d broken his heart, and in doing so you broke yours too.

You pulled out the old sweatpants and shirt that he’d stashed in the drawer. You stumbled back and landed on the bed, they were the ones you used to wear almost every night. You’d stolen them from him years ago. The shirt was worn enough to have little holes everywhere, but it was soft and somehow still smelt like him.

Your eyes burned. It was almost like it was all hitting you now. Being back in this house and being around him like this made it worse. You knew you’d fucked up just a month after everything was finalized, in truth you knew even before then, but it’d been too late to turn back. The damage was done, even if he gave you the option.

It took you four hours to realize that it didn’t matter how tired you were, you wouldn’t be able to sleep. You dragged your tired body out of the bed and headed back to the kitchen. You weren’t sure if he’d still have the small stash of tea that he’d always kept for you, but you hoped he did. If anything was going to help you fall asleep, it would be a nice hot cup of tea.

You rummaged around in the cabinets for a while, trying to be quiet. The last thing you wanted to do was wake anyone up. Something about this felt oddly familiar. How many nights had you snuck out of bed and come out here, waiting for your mind to finally calm down so you could sleep? Or wait for your heart rate to finally slow down or the jitters to stop. You almost wanted to laugh. You’d thought the long nights of doing this in this house were over. Seemed life had a way of always bringing you back.

You could fight it all you wanted, but there was no doubt you and Tyler were destined to stay in each other’s lives. And it wasn’t completely because of that little girl sleeping just down the hall.

You’d tried to break up once long before you’d had her, long before you’d even married each other. But somehow you kept finding your way back to one other, and eventually, you both gave up fighting it. The two of you swore you wouldn’t do it again. You swore it would be forever this time. You didn’t think you’d be the one to break that promise, but you were.

“Can’t sleep?” You weren’t even surprised to hear his voice, softly echoing through the quiet house.

“I tried. Eventually, I gave up and decided to come make some tea but-”

“I forgot that it doesn’t matter how tired you are, you can never really sleep when your levels are off like this,” he carefully moved past you and pulled out a box from the cabinet, “Here.”

“You still have it?”

He shrugged and grabbed two mugs, not seeming to mind that he was working in partial darkness, the light from the stove being the only light in the room, “I actually like it, so I grab a cup from time to time.”

You sat down at the bar, watching as he moved around, grabbing sugar and milk. You tried not to pay attention to the fact that he was shirtless. Or that you hadn’t seen him like this in person in years. But if you closed your eyes you were sure it would feel like it did when you were still married. You could convince yourself that everything was still the same.

You felt the tears starting to roll down your cheeks. You didn’t have a chance to stop them before a full sob escaped. You tried to quiet yourself for fear of possibly waking up Ella. But your whole body started to shake, the weight of the last months finally starting to crush you.

“Shit,” He was by your side in what felt like less than a second, “Shh, it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” was all you could manage.

He cradled your head to his chest, slowly running his fingers through your hair. He kept telling you that you were okay, that you were safe and he’d take care of you until you got back on your feet, which only made you cry harder.

You didn’t deserve this. You’d asked for the divorce. You’d broken up your family. You’d been the one to push him away, not the other way around like so many thought. It was your fault, all of the pain and the heartbreak, it was all on you.

“Y/N, look at me,” He begged, trying to get your eyes to meet his, “C’mon, it’s just me.”

“I’m so tired Ty.”

“I know you are. You’ll be okay, we just have to get you through this.”

But he didn’t understand. You weren’t just tired of your health always being in a state of ruin. You were tired of having to go through this without him. You thought you’d be okay, you thought you could get through it because you were the one who asked for it. You thought it would be better this way. The plan wasn’t for you to slowly fall apart.

You didn’t want to be alone anymore. But being here with him scared you more than anything because you couldn’t get used to him again. If you got used to being around him, you’d miss him, even more, when you left, and it would complicate things for Ella.

Ella was the priority. You could, and you would, suffer for her. You’d do anything if it meant she was happy.

“Does she know? How bad it is?” You knew who he was asking about.

“No, she doesn’t know I’m sick,” You sniffled, “I don’t want her having to worry about me. I’m here mom Tyler, I’m supposed to protect her from these things.”

He held you even tighter, “You’re a good mom, Y/N. I don’t think you get told that enough. You’re a damn good mom.”

“No I’m not. I’m the reason she doesn’t have two parents living under the same roof. It’s my fault. She’ll hate me for it when she gets older.”

He pulled back and held your face, forcing you to finally look at him, “Y/N, don’t- don’t do that. Ella won’t hate you. Jesus, she loves you. She talks about you all the time when she’s here. She’ll sit for hours and look at the old photo album under the bed, because of all of the pictures of you. She could never hate you.”

“I fucked up, Ty.”

“We both did.”

You tried to think of what it was like, when you first got together, or right after Ella was born. The pure joy and happiness that was involved. You’d become a far cry from those people. Yet, somehow you felt there might be hope. In a strange way, you felt like maybe, somehow, the two of you could make it right.

Maybe it was just wishful thinking brought on by the pure exhaustion. Or the fact that he still had your tea, and your favorite mug. Or maybe just the fact that he was holding you in his kitchen, after asking you to stay with him because was worried about you.

“We made a real mess of things, but I know that we did at least one thing right,” he whispered, “She’s so beautiful. She looks so much like you too, some days it’s enough to almost knock me on my ass.”

“She’s a lot like you too. She has your smile, and we all know she has your love of hockey.”

“She’s the best thing we did. Planned, unplanned, who gives a fuck. We made her.”

“Yeah, we did.”

You looked up at him. Even in the dark of the kitchen, you could see the soft smile that tugged on his lips. A smile powerful enough to make your knees weak. His arms tightened around you, holding you steady. Your heart started to speed up, even more, you could feel his hammering too. A boundary was about to be crossed if one of you didn’t step back, but you felt glued to him. You couldn’t step away even if you wanted to. He had you, all of you if he wanted.

You inched closer to each other until barely an inch separated you. Your hands found their way to his hair, gently threading your figures through his curls. Your breath heaved. Would you really do this? Could you do this?

You felt his lips ghost over yours and you started to panic. You wanted this, you wanted him more than anything. But you found yourself pulling away before you could really process. You wanted to kiss him, you wanted to touch him and hold him. You wanted to turn back the clock, but you couldn’t.

“Y/N,” he sounded desperate, maybe even as desperate as you felt.

“We can’t Ty,” you forced out, you felt more tears falling, but for a different reason this time, “We can’t do this.”

“Says who?”

“I’m sorry.”

“You keep saying that, but do you mean it? After everything, do you really mean it?”

“Tyler, I-”

“I never once asked you why, because I knew you’d lie to me. So, I never asked. But I’m asking now because I deserve to know why I agreed to split up my family,” Even still he didn’t sound angry, “Why did you want it? What did I do?”

“You didn’t do anything Tyler. You did nothing wrong.”

“Then help me understand,” he begged, “Neither one of us is happy. Just please, help me understand how we ended up here. Because I have no fucking idea anymore.”

But you couldn’t give him the answer you wanted. You couldn’t tell him that you did it because you were scared. You were scared from the test results you’d gotten. Of everything the doctors told you after Ella was born. You didn’t want him to feel like your caretaker. You didn’t want him to hate you because of it.

You thought you were doing what was best for him. You thought you were saving him from a life with you. He didn’t sign up for all of this all of those years ago. You thought for sure he’d end up wanting a way out anyway, what was the point of dragging it out.

“I thought-” You took a deep breath, “I didn’t.”

You couldn’t tell him the truth, he wouldn’t understand. Hell, you didn’t even understand anymore. Your reasoning felt so good at the time, but now it was shambles, nothing about it was good enough.

“We wouldn’t have made it,” You forced out, “How many times would you have had to take care of me like this before you decided you were done anyway?”

“You make it sound like you’re so certain. Y/N, I promised to love you for the rest of my life and I planned on keeping that promise. You’re the one who decided to end it. But I would’ve spent every day fighting for us.”

“You agreed to the divorce Tyler! Sounds like giving in to me!”

“Because you said you didn’t love me anymore!” He spat.

He cursed and turned around, tugging on his hair, “You looked me in the eye that day and told me that you didn’t love me anymore, and nothing I could do would change that.”

“I-”

“Do you know what that felt like? Everything was fine, we were happy, and don’t you dare say we weren’t. You’re the one who quit. I agreed to the fucking divorce because you, my wife, the love of my life, said you didn’t love me. I was crushed, and I wouldn’t keep you in a loveless marriage, even if it was a one-sided decision. I did that because I loved you.”

You were unable to move, unable to think. He’d never said any of that before. You never knew how he felt, and now you were wishing that you didn’t know. It made the pain even worse. Whoever said time made things better was wrong. Time just means it hurts more when old wounds are ripped open again.

“I’m going to bed,” He turned and left before you could try and explain yourself.

But what could you say anyway? You knew now how much you’d hurt him. You felt numb now. You thought you’d fucked up before, but now you knew that you had. There would be no fixing it now. The damage was done and it was permanent, no reversing it now.

Now, all you could do was try and keep the peace. And hope that both of you could find a way out of this.

#tyler seguin imagines #tyler seguin imagine #Tyler seguin fanfic #tyler seguin fanfiction #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #nhl fanfic #nhl fanfiction #hockey imagines #hockey imagine #hockey fanfic #hockey fanfiction #nicolewritesthings

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feel199x · 6 years

Text

boyfriend!chan

❣ summary: chan is working super hard for his next comeback, and he’s very clingy once he comes back. he’s also very adamant on being the best boyfriend you’ll ever have

❣ warnings: none, i think!

❣ request: yes!

❣ a/n: i kinda,,, went overboard anon im sorry :( i hope u like it ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ masterlist

Your boyfriend was super hard-working, and although you admired him for it, it was both his greatest personality aspect and his worst. Chan was an angel, he really was, but this comeback was absolutely tiring him out. He did his best to keep up with you and give you attention, but as the comeback approached, the messages got scarcer and scarcer. You weren’t upset with him because you knew that he was in an incredibly demanding field of work, and thus, couldn’t always give you his undivided attention. Chan still felt bad though and always spoiled you when he had free time. You scolded him every time, but he could never take you seriously with how flustered you always ended up. Chan was the kind of guy who went all out in everything he did, and this included gifts. For your year and half anniversary (was that even a thing people celebrated?) he had written you a song and given you a matching set of necklaces. Chris was just everything you could’ve asked for and more, he always listened and did his best to make the relationship run smoothly. Even when you had gotten insecure about dating him, thinking that he would fall for another idol or suddenly come to a realization that you weren’t good enough, he always reassured you. It had been nearly two years now, and coincidentally your anniversary was only a couple days after their first comeback stage.

You weren’t too worried about it, Chan always took this sort of thing very seriously. Even if he didn’t do anything too special, you wouldn’t get upset with him. He was a busy guy, and you were aware of this when you started to date him. It was actually Chris who was nervous about dating you, not because of the fans or media but because he feared not giving you the love, care, and attention that you deserved. Even with how understanding you were, you still missed him. It was a good thing exams were coming up because otherwise you would be getting nostalgic rereading the text messages between you and him. And you tried not to do that, you really did but studying was so boring and stressful, all you wanted to do was fall asleep with Chan. You were almost successful with your studying session, but you swore that you had heard your phone buzz. You nearly lept onto your bed, and no there weren’t any messages but, a break couldn’t hurt right?

that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: hey babe im sorry for not giving you attention

that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: ive just been swamped with work

that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: i miss u and im three secs away from abandoning my kids. i am so tired. i love you baby

that rapper from hot sauce i love or smthn: by the way did you change my contact name?

you: its okay chris! dont worry about it, work is a priority. I love you too :(

you: and yes!

you: sent an image

the nice guy whojust has a lot of money: im divorcing u and leaving you with the kids

you: no please im not ready to be a single parent

you: channie please i love u

the nice guy who just has a lot of money: okay for love i guess

the nice guy who has just has a lot of money: i guess...i really am a nice guy who just has a lot of money

the nice guy who just has a lot of money: i have to go, i’ll try calling later but no promises. i miss and love you lots baby

you: oh mYGOD

you: please remember to rest babe, i love and miss u too

You sighed, shutting off your phone and holding it against your chest. He hadn’t called that day, nor since. You understood that he had responsibilities, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, you guess. Their comeback stage was tomorrow, and they were driving over to a city who’s name you forgot. You would’ve gone, if you hadn’t had finals all day and it was hours away. You felt terrible for not being able to go out and support him but Chan insisted that you stayed and rested instead of taking a bus up to their stage. You loved that man, you really did. You glared at the textbook on your desk, hoping that it would suddenly set combust into flames. But alas, you were but a mortal. Before resuming your studying, you pulled at your desk drawer to reread the motivational sticky notes that Chan would always leave around your place. You sighed, looking over the sticky notes that have since lost their sticks but made your face warm just staring at it.

Like mate, stop procrastinating!

If you get better than a passing grade i’ll let you yell at me about sleeping

Do you know how smart you are? You’re like Einstein, if he was hot

I love you but i’ll love you a little less if you fail

You smiled to yourself, your cheeks hurting and flustered from the notes. You must’ve been a patron saint in your past life because he was just, amazing. You really hoped there was a future in store for the two of you, because he made you feel like it was your first time falling in love all over again. He made you weak in the knees, and always made you feel like you were the only one for him. Maybe it was a little silly how those sticky notes motivated you, but whatever worked, right? You continued to review the notes, Chan’s voice nagging you about the formulas you hadn’t quite memorized yet in your head. But eventually, your eyes grew weary and you shut off your desk lamp, collapsing onto your bed.

Exams were, in short, not fun. You were fairly sure you had passed, but only by the hair on your head. Maybe it was the anxiety speaking- you had yet to completely flunk an exam, but it could always happen. You’d worry about that in a couple weeks, it was future you’s problem. Right now, all you wanted was to eat take-out and watch Stray Kid’s comeback. It was fairly late when you got back home, the light outside already dimming and fading to a night gradient. You watched the clock anxiously, waiting for their stage to air on TV.

You were never one to overreact, but something about seeing your boyfriend doing what he loved on stage, seeing all his hard work pay off- it made you yell at the screen. It made you yell in the same way a sports fan yells at the players and refs, and only Chris could do this to you. As soon as his stage ended, you texted him, hyping him up. You knew he’d be doing a live shortly after, but at least he’d see it soon enough. Unfortunately, you collapsed in the middle of his live, exhaustion finally catching up with you. You thought your phone buzzed again but being half-asleep you brushed it off.

“___! ___, get up!”

“Love of mine, light of my life, shh…”

You groaned but laughed as he pulled at your arms. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders as he pulled you closer. “I missed you,” he murmured against your lips, pressing a kiss on them, “I’m sorry about being gone so much.” You tilted your head, smiling at him. “Hey,” you said softly, cupping your face, “Don’t worry about it, let’s get some sleep. Actually, what time is it?”

“Three am.”

“Chris!”

“Look,” he whined, “You can’t yell at me I drove six hours to be with you.” He threw you over his shoulder, “Plus, we’re going to sleep, like right now. I’ll even sleep in.” He flopped you on your bed and you crossed your arms as he took off his shirt, wiggling your eyebrows. “Wow,” you teased, “He’s hot.”

“You’re so gross,” he murmured, laying his head on your chest but not before leaving butterfly kisses up your collarbone, “How did the test go?” You sighed, playing wth his head of curly hair. “It went okay, I think. But this isn’t about me. Your stage was amazing, you did great. Phenomenal, spectacular, fantastic, ground-breaking-”

“Alright!” he sighed, “I don’t deserve you.” He tightened his arms around your waist, kissing your shoulder again. “Oh, Chris don’t start,” you scolded softly, “You’re the greatest boyfriend ever, and you work really hard. Now, shut up and go to sleep.”

“You have such a way with words, I’m swooning.”

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“I love you most.”

“Impossible-”

“Hm? What? I can’t hear you over the enormous amount of sleep I’m getting.”

You groaned, moving to rub your eyes but finding Chan’s arms tightly wound around you. “Don’t even think about it,” his voice was raspy and low, “I got it.”

“Chan,” you whined, “You have to eat, just stay in-”

“Later.”

You sighed again, and Chris pulled you closer pressing lazy kisses up your neck and jaw. His eyes were still closed, and you looked at him dreamily. His hair was messy, and he looked so much more relaxed, muscles less tight and tense. He was under so much stress, and it was good to see him finally take a break, even if it was only for a couple of hours. You fell asleep against his chest, feeling each heartbeat against the side of your face. And maybe you should’ve felt a little bad for waiting until he fell into a deep sleep to wriggle out of his arms (which was weirdly difficult, the guy had a strong grip) to make him breakfast. You weren’t sure what diet he was on, but you were sure that no one would mind if he cheated just a little bit.

“____! Are you doing what I think you’re doing?”

You exhaled, biting the inside of your cheek as you heard him step into the kitchen, trying your best to ignore. He hugged you from the back, letting his head rest on your shoulder, kissing the nape of your neck. “I told you we could do it later.”

“Well, it is later, Chan.”

“But we could’ve just ordered something,” he whined, “Come back to bed, please.”

“After I make you breakfast.”

“I really hoped it wouldn’t have to come to this.”

“Come to wh-?”

He picked you up, throwing you over his shoulder. “Chris put me down or I swear-”

“No,” he sat on top of you, “We’re ordering in, and we’re going to eat in bed and stay here until we become one with the bed.”

“You’re crushing me,” you groaned, “Get off you bum.”

“It’s the diet they’ve got me on, I’ve got hella gains, man.”

“Yeah I saw your thrist trap on insta, you hoe.”

“It’s not a thirst trap!”

“Well, I don’t know about that. Have you read the comments?”

“Now, listen-”

“Shut up,” you propped yourself up and kissed him, and as he leaned into it, you pushed him off.

“You play so, so dirty,” he whined, “Come here and make it up to me.” You snorted but rolled into his arms anyway. “I love you,” you said and stared at him, “A lot. Even with your hella gains, man.” He cupped your face, thumbs stroking your cheeks. “But I love you most.” You opened your mouth so protest, but he shushed you with a kiss. “Don’t start,” he said in between gasps of deep kisses, “Just let me spoil you.”

It had been a couple days since their first stage, and later that day Chris needed to go back to the dorms to tend to his children. He insisted on staying longer, but Woojin was blowing up his phone. You guessed that the group got themselves in another mess. Your anniversary was coming up, and this was the first time you were scared that he forgot. He was usually much better about this than you, and always went a bit too far with his gifts. You had already got his present, an expensive chain necklace you took extra shifts to pay for, but it was worth it when the jeweler handed you the chain. You loved the idea of people getting their boyfriends flowers, so you got an arrangement made. You even had a photo album made of your favorite moments together, and songs that were attached to those moments. Okay, maybe it was a little corny, but you worked hard on it. Chan hadn’t messaged you since then, and you assumed it was because he was busy, but you were getting antsy.

And just like you had before, you nearly jumped to your phone when you heard your phone buzz.

iron man in the streets but better than tony: check under your bed

you: ?? okay

You crouched on the floor, pulling out a simple box, and inside of it was silk clothing with a card with an address and time stamp on it.

you: chris

you: what have you done

you: CHRISTOPHER

you: IM GOING TO END YOU

you: YOU SAID YOU WEREN’T GOING OVERBOARD

you: YOU IDIOT YOU HAVE READ RECEIPTS ON

You’d be lying if there wasn’t a stupid grin on your face as you put on your attire. It took you a while to get ready, work and school hadn’t exactly given you room for self-care but you tried your best to look nice. You looked up the address, and much to your dismay, it was an overpriced fine dining restaurant. The cab driver gushed over your date, complimenting you and wishing you the best of luck on your future endeavours, even blessing your marriage. It was a little weird, but endearing. You hadn’t even called a cab, but instead you got a message saying your ride was there.

You expected Chan to be outside waiting for you outside, but instead, you were greeted by a very nice waiter who’s name you didn’t catch. He beckoned you to follow him. The restaurant was pantheon themed, very airy and light colors decorating the entire place. It was definetly the nicest restaurant you’ve ever been to, but you thought the same thing for your year and half anniversary too. You clutched onto your gifts awkwardly, and the waiter helped you carry the bouquet of flowers.

“Any chance you can tell me what else he has planned?” “Afraid not, he warned me about this.”

“Smart man.”

You were sat at a table in the center, the stained glass letting a pool of warm colors illuminate the room and everyone’s faces. The flowers sat delicately on your lap, and the jewelry box laid on tope of the table, your fingers dancing across it’s edges. That’s when you heard the violins start playing, crowding around your table and playing a dainty tune. You felt a blush creep on your cheeks as you rubbed them, trying to smile less. And there he was, on top of the small stage meant for the classical instrument players to sit on. You wanted to glare at him, but all you could do was smile at his gestures. He winked at you, beginning to sing a song. You were about to cry, rubbing your eyes as the song ended.

“Was I that bad?”

“No, god, no,” you pulled out the flowers and handed it to him, “I know that can’t be the end of it, so let me give these to you.” He looked through the photo album, pursing his lips as tears brimmed at the brink of his eyes. He opened the jewelry box, pulling out the fancy chain necklace you had gotten him. “Oh, baby,” he murmured, “Did you pick up extra shifts for these? You shouldn’t have…”

“Chan, literally look at everything you planned, and say that to my face again.” He smiled, pulling the chain over his head so he could wear it with his suit. You decided that he looks best while wearing fancy suits like this. Perfectly tailored to him, even if bits of chest was visible through his half-buttoned shirt. “You’re right though,” he said, “I’m not done.” He pulled out a little box out of a pocket from inside his jacket. “It’s a promise ring,” he said as he slid it across the table, “You are the love of my life, ____, and I think it’s a bit too early to full-on propose to you, but I want to make the promise that I will one day.”

You opened the box, the expensive ring nearly blinding you as the warm light hit it. “God, I hate you so much, Chris,” tears were streaming at your face, a smile glued to your face.

“Do you like it?”

“No.”

“No? We could change it- or replace it? Or-”

“I love it, and you so much.”

“I love you most.”

“No-”

“Shh,” he kissed you, “Don’t start.”

#bang chan #stray kids #chan fic #skz chan

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suzannebcu · 5 years

Text

Interviews overview

I interviewed 11 black British students from BCU to discuss their individual experiences of being black in Britain. The responses have provided valuable insight into how black students experience education and life as a black British person. Many themes have come out which show that many black people experience difficulty in many areas of their life.

I noticed gender differences in the responses to my questions. Males found it difficult talking about childhood experiences. The individual would become defensive and respond by saying, ‘what do you mean?’. Research suggests that black males particularly would prefer not to talk about their problems and tend to bottle things up (Harrison, 2015). There was also a gender difference in the duration of the responses. The female students were happy to discuss their challenges in depth whereas the male students kept their responses short and did not expand on the details of the problems they faced. Being defensive can suggest the person not feeling safe about the subject matter or avoiding it be because it may bring memory of past experiences (Khan, 2016). This also clearly illustrates the differing perspectives of what black men feel is a sign of ‘masculinity’.

The configuration of family structures was interesting. I was surprised to learn that many had grown up in a two-parent household. The common preconception of black families is that they mainly consist of single mothers and male partners who are often absent (Gov.uk, 2019). More than half of the students had been brought up by both parents. There were students who had been parented by a maternal grandmother and many had become products of divorce. Having this information helps us to understand what support structures were in place at home to help them navigate the world outside.

I wanted to further understand how the students had felt going through the education system. The majority had felt that they were not supported within the school system. Requests for support were often brushed aside and rarely actioned. They were often referred to black staff for support and perpetuated the idea that only black people will understand my experience. They often felt misinterpreted as their slang and tone of voice would be labelled as ‘aggressive’. Not being understood in this way has consequences for young minds, it can lead to low self-confidence and self-image (Zenger, 2018) .

The Oxford English Dictionary definition of racism is:

‘Prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior.’

The majority of students had experienced some form of racism. Many of the instances described were subtle and often embedded within a compliment. Student X recollects someone saying “you have nice hair your different to other blacks “. This clearly had caused offence but the student struggled to response as it was masked within a seemingly nice comment.

My cohort of students had not experienced being excluded. This result was surprising as research shows that there is a high rate of exclusions of black students in comparison to white students (Gov.uk, 2018). This goes back to my point about how black students behaviour is misinterpreted (ref) . Those that had been excluded it had mean for minor indiscretions. Majority of the candidates were excluded once or never had been .This was very surprising for me because research shows black people have most exclusion in schools compared to white people (John L. Hosp and Michelle K. Hosp, 2001) . Student Y said “I never did anything outstanding in exclusion and hardly fights...I don’t think the staffs knew how to cope with how teenagers spoke and sometimes misinterpreted “ .This shows that there was a lack of understanding teenagers slag and cultures. Staffs normally struggle to understand slag which cause a lot of mis interpretation (Bouie,2014).

Majority of the candidates felt that they were lost of their identity in the UK and heritage .Due to feeling different in the UK and when visiting their parents countries they also felt different because they liked in the UK but their colour skin is different and they were born somewhere different compared to their parents countries so they didn’t feel they had enough things in common exactly. Feeling lost of identity can make you feel like an outsider and different .Not feeling accepted can cause many isolation and depressed and mental health is very high risk with black people (Mental health foundation ,2019) .

Majority of females felt as though they were losing their identity because of their attempt to adapt to the needs of societies trends as such factors were instigated due to the fact they were surrounded by just white people, to become adaptable to this they lost a sense of themselves to please society and fit into the community .Babit from the interviews said “I was around so many white people I forgot I was black sometimes”. Most females had similar answers which meant that they all felt that they were changing and not sure who they were until they left school. This shows they have been always curious of what people think of them and they felt being someone they’re not could give them advantages in life which shows, this however causes a loss in identity, as portrayed in the media, black women have experimented with bleaching and changing features because society shuns then into believing it will enhance their features even make them beautiful. This is all been influenced through the media, and due to the fact that in magazines it reflects on having a particular appearance, skin wise to make the front page. It has also been said the lighter you are, the more beautiful you'll be, these magazines strike at the heart of every black woman being radicalised cause of their skin tone prompting low self esteem (Wilson, 2017).

I noticed they often discussed students felt they needed more black teachers so that they had someone to relate to more and diversified the teachers to help support all students. This shows that the individuals felt more accepted and being able to relate was a key fact in their lives and having someone from their country to enable them to understand and not feel alienated.

All candidates said they didn’t learn enough details of black history month and it was mainly due to Martin Luther King. All candidates either researched about their culture or had been taught by their parents. They often said the black history is covered and people are not able to see the achievements of black history since its overshadowed. For example, that there were King’s and queens of black people in the UK. Black history is often covered, and individuals believe the more people are not aware of their culture or history. In the interview Kisoso said “people can become open minded and less ignorant because knowledge and education is the power of everything “. The more people learn about other cultures it can benefit everyone in different ways (Howard, 2016) .

There is need of improvements with educating each other and talk about the 50 and 60 years fully what it means to be accepted of another culture. There is always a desire to be whiter you are the more acceptable you will be.

#black british #experience #employment #mental health #identity #final project

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cecilspeaks · 6 years

Text

134 - Fall Football Preview

There is no I in “team”. This has been a partial list of letters not found in the word “team”. Welcome to Night Vale.

The Night Vale High School Scorpions kick-off the varsity football season this Friday against last year’s district champion, Red Mesa. Following the announcement this summer that Scorpions’ head coach, Nazr al-Mujaheed, would be taking a sabbatical to deal with personal matters, Night Vale promoted defensive coordinator Lutrice Beaumont to head coach. She has ten years coaching experience and was a former line backer for the Scorpions during their heyday as four time state champs in the late 1990’s. This is a historical hire for the high school football program, as Lutrice Beaumont is the first Gemini to become head coach. Beaumont called a press conference this morning to talk about her team and her coaching staff’s expectations for this season. “After only one win last year,” Beaumont explained, “we wanted to change our approach entirely. Instead of a plotting, run-focused offensive, we want our starting quarterback, sophomore Junius Duncan, to really throw that ball around, just chuck that leather (wad) any direction he wants.”

Beaumont’s team motto for 2018 is “we will win, all the time, right now”. Junius Duncan has a small frame at only 5’4’’ and 120 pounds. But he has eight legs and can leap up to 20 times his own height. He has struggled with his accuracy in training camp, as he has zero arms. And the spiny tips of his front legs cause the ball to stick and sometimes deflate.

Senior running back Prince Reynolds, who led the district in rushing last year, returns in full health. Coach Beaumont said Reynolds has been working on his upper body strength in the off-season by installing hydraulic joints on each shoulder. We’ll have more on the upcoming Scorpion football season in a moment. But first, a look at traffic.

Lisa Farmer does not like her job. She does not hate it, either. To Lisa, a job is a paid dare to sit in a chair for 10 hours every weekday for 40 years, for a little over a million dollars, paid out in bi-weekly installments. She commutes 35 minutes each way to her office. During this time, she thinks about the divorce papers her attorney gave her, but that she’s never filled out. She thinks about her husband’s lack of motivation. She thinks about having children. Not whether to have them, but the actual process of birth. She sometimes offers up an involuntary laugh, a reflex response to the forced laughter of the FM drivetime talk show. She forgets all of this when she arrives at home or work. Time pours from her like water from a broken pipe. All this time, lost to unmemorable travel. She measures her life in traffic jams, a mathematical equation that proves nothing. Commutes are the limbo of the weekday. Everything is stasis. Expect delays. This has been traffic.

In her opening press conference, Night Vale Scorpions’ head coach Lutrice Beaumont said there were some rule changes this season that will affect her team’s approach. First, helmet to helmet hits, normally assigned a personal foul penalty, will now be subject to game (ejections) and possible suspensions. Officials are also cracking down on end zone celebrations. Many fans felt the elaborate displays of joy exhibited by players last season were not in the spirit of good sportsmanship. The most egregious example was when Cactus Park’s Jamille Whiteside scored the game-winning touchdown against Pine Cliff. He and the rest of his team mates then performed in the end zone the entirety of the Tony-winning musical sensation “Wicked”. District head of officiating, Jake Camp, announced: “I’m tired of selfish kids making a team sport all about them. In my day, when we scored, we would calmly hand the ball to the ref and jog back to the sideline head down. Maybe.” He continued: “Maybe, uh, a more religious kid might offer a quick prayer to the Brown Stone Spire, an unobtrusive gesture of kneeling, cutting your finger open, drawing a nine-pointed star with your blood, as your team mates danced about shirtless and chanting something in ancient Akkadian or Greek, but nothing ostentatious like what kids these days do. Did you see that one kid who did a backflip? [angrily] A backflip! This is football, not Cirque du Soleil, son!” Camp shouted. He added that millennials are killing everything good in the world.

One reporter reported that current high schoolers are not even part of the millennial generation. Another reporter pointed out that Camp is 33 years old, which makes him a millennial. Camp paused and said, “You wanna be like that? Fine!” Camp then begun to grunt and strain, his face darkened to a deep violet, as long white hair gushed from the top of his head and out of his chin. His posture weakened, his back now hunched. Wrinkles formed around his eyes and lips, and his skin loosened. He then said hoarsely: “I’m 93 now. So you know where you can put that millennial comment of yours!” The reporter assumed Camp meant the sport section of the newspaper, so that’s where the reporter put it.

In the middle of Beaumont’s press conference, assistant coach Christopher Tisdale whispered into her ear and she frowned. When asked to elaborate, she said she’d just received word that another new rule is that all players must have two or fewer legs. Which prohibits her starting quarterback, Junius Duncan from taking the field. Upset by this sudden change, Beaumont cited the Golden Retriever who was allowed to play basketball for Cactus Park back in 1997. They named the dog Airbud, because the dog was the former CEO of an airline. Admittedly, the dog was terrible at basketball. He ran in circles and barked at the coach for treats, while opposing teams took huge advantage of the five-on-four mismatch. But according to Beaumont, a precedent was set for multi-legged players.

Oh, this is terrible news. Junius must be devastated. Beaumont’s press conference is still going on. We’ll get back to it soon.

But for now, when the first bolt of lightning struck the sea, and the first apex of rock crested the tumultuous oceans, the elders among the stars brought life onto the Earth. These children of stardust became humans, became authorities of their tiny planet. They created science and art, and they worshipped their galactic forbearers. But their hubris grew in them like a cancer, and they abandoned the benevolence of their creators. The vigilant determination of life leads only – to death. An ironic ouroboros to be laughed at by the elders of the cosmos. Diet Pepsi. Humans are a knock-knock joke of the gods.

Let’s take a look now at Night Vale High School’s district rivals this season, starting with last year’s champs, the Red Mesa Ant Carpenters. Red Mesa returns their starting quarterback, senior Salman Talib, who leads a dynamic passing offence anchored by junior wide receiver, Trung Pham. Pham’s quick feet, 6’5’’ frame, and nearly 20-inch antlers allow him to break free from smaller defenders. The Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors return with the league’s top offence. Everyone in Pine Cliff is a ghost, making them quite elusive, but the flip side of that is that their defence is terrible. In terms of total tackles made last season, they finished dead last. Pun not intended. But pun certainly embraced, because it’s not bad. Oh… Aha? A-ha. I’m getting word from my producer Ian that is in fact a bad pun, in bad taste. Ian’s grandmother was part of the Great Cataclysm of 2008, which turned all of Pine Cliff into ghosts. He says it’s no laughing matter to those living in Pine Cliff. To-to those residing in Pine Cliff, so. I’ll go back to the part where I said pun not intended.

One team to watch out for this year is the Cactus Park Shark Nurses, who have a strong defence but who have struggled with turnovers. The Shark Nurses’ senior running back Patrick Lyle had 20 fumbles last year, but said he focused on his ball carrying technique in the off season. Coachers worked with Lyle to carry the ball high and tight against his shoulder pads, instead of in his cargo shorts’ pockets.

Desert Bluffs, which has not had a team nor a high school for the past three seasons, has reincorporated in some desert otherworld and will be returning to district to play this year. League officials are concerned about the capriciousness of gateways between our reality and theirs, which could lead to visiting teams becoming lost in either a time loop or disappearing altogether. Theoretical physicist Cedric Drummond from Desert Bluffs Junior College said: “If you only focus on the bad, you’ll never see the good!” Not much is known about this Vultures team other than they’re probably – terrible.

Finally, there’s another new district rival this season, the Whispering Forest High School Wood Dogs. Whispering Forest High opened in 2016 after the forest incorporated as an independent township. No humans live in the Whispering Forest, only trees. Really polite trees, always with a quiet compliment. But if you accept one of their compliments, you too become a tree in their forest. Fun fact: Whispering Forest is the fastest growing town here in the desert. Urban planning experts think that the positivity emanating from the Whispering Forest has been a real draw for people seeking new homes. They’re unable to determine why a need for positivity suddenly became a factor in like 2016, but there it is. The Wood Dogs are sure to be the largest and toughest opponent in Night Vale’s district, but also the slowest, as they are literally trees. Their real strength won’t be in their ability to score or sack the quarterback, but to recruit entire opposing teams to their side before the game ends.

That’s a look at Night Vale High’s rivals this year. Coming up, we’ll check in with coach Beaumont and her team strategy for 2018. But first, a public service announcement.

Friends of the Night Vale Public Library announced the annual used book sale is this Saturday afternoon from 10 to 5. Librarians will hang books from invisible twine attached to blade-based traps, inside a complex cornfield labyrinth. According to the press release, which appears to be written by a detached human finger dipped in its own blood, these are… [clears throat] great books by great authors like Georg Saunders, Mohsin Hamid, and Celeste Ng. Books you really should read. Books you’ll want to reach out and grab, without noticing that the earth below you is lightly covered in branches hiding a spike-filled pit. So come down to the library for the used book sale. No need to shower beforehand, your natural scent makes you easier to track. This has been a public service announcement.

Coach Beaumont has finally completed her pre-season press conference, and she finished it off with quite a statement. When asked what the overall strategy for this year would be, Beaumont said: “Surpriiise!” But she said it just like that, with her eyes wide and arms raised and there was a looong silence as the reporters waited for what was to happen next. The energy faded as Beaumont slowly lowered her hands, a lone cough came from the back of the room. Beaumont then continued: “Oh, our strategy is surprise. We don’t want our opponents to have any time to prepare for us, so we scheduled every single game simultaneously. All five division rivals will play us at once,” she said. “We kick off in like five minutes. I should go. As the leader of this team, I can’t be late for the national anthem, the pledge of allegiance, the eldritch chant of national unity, the Secret Police helicopter flyover, and the pre-game bloodstone bacchanal dance.” Now the reporters frantically shouted the rest of their questions. “Are you going to protest your quarterback’s disqualification?” “How will you compete against five teams at once?” “How many balls will be used?” “Where do we go when we die” and “What is football? Are you a football?” But Beaumont had already left.

I’m getting word that the game has kicked off at the Night Vale High School. Now I’m not a sports fan, but even I’m intrigued. I gotta see this.

Uh, let me take you now To the weather.

[Raising Helvetica" by Sims x Air Credits x ICETEP sims.bandcamp.com ]

The Scorpions got off to a rough start. Two of their defensive line men accepted compliments from the Whispering Forest players. “Oh, that was such a nice tacklllllle, you must be very proud of your training and dedication to this spooooort,” the trees whispered. “We’re impressed by your talents and chaaaarm!” Suddenly, the two Night Vale players were trees. The opposing teams rallied together, handing the ball off to the Pine Cliff running back Alfonso Menendez, who simply could not be tackled. By the end of the first quarter, the Scorpions were down 20 to nothing. It would have been 21, but Desert Bluffs kicker, Leonard Clayton, missed an extra point, probably because he’s so poorly coached. In the second quarter, Night Vale’s Prince Reynolds scored a quick touchdown to make it 20 to 7. They followed that with a field goal after a fumble by Cactus Park’s Patrick Lyle, who was carrying the ball with his teeth, instead of holding it tight to his chest, leaving Night Vale down 20 to 10. Coach Beaumont told her team at half time that they were doing great, but they needed to focus more on the fundamentals of the game. “Keep your eyes on the runners’ hips,” she shouted, “not their feet! Wrap your tackles tight!” She encouraged her offensive players to pick up their correct blocking assignments. “Tim!” she yelled, referring to offensive guard Timothy Lano. “Stop trying to block the trees! They can’t run, and the ghosts, they can’t tackle! Worry about tangible humans, Tim!”

The team seemed dejected without their starting quarterback Junius Duncan. Beaumont began a powerful and inspiring pep talk. She brought in a ten-piece brass band to perform Gustav Holst’s “Second Suite in F” underneath her speech. “You can beat anyone if you believe in yourselves!” she began. “It would totally help if we had Duncan in the game though.” Then she said: “Surprise!” and opened up a Ralphs bag with three pairs of gloves. “Duncan, put these on like you have six arms,” she said. “Can you walk on your back two legs?” Duncan nodded yes, but no one notice because there was no joint allowing free movement of his head atop his thorax. So he had to hiss and leap up and down to demonstrate his bipedal abilities. The team let out a relieved cheer of “Win! All the time! Right now!” and ran onto the field, rejuvenated by their flouting of government issued regulations.

Duncan struggled early with his passes, as he had no fingers to fill his gloves, but he did score six touchdowns by simply leaping 20 yards at a time down the field, and tying up defenders in webs. He was penalized 15 yards, though, for attempting to use his venom to paralyze the bodies of his prey.

In the end, Night Vale won, 52-45, earning the district title before the season even started. Uh, what an exciting game! Carlos and the rest of the family joined me and we ate nachos and drank sodas and shouted cheers like, “Go team go!” and “Ooooh, blood!” And “Ooooooo, bloooood!” Carlos even bought me one of those pointing foam fingers that says “Someone talked! Identify the traitor.” [chuckles]

The whole game was visceral and communal. You know, maybe I’m a sports fan after all. I hope this victory, too, brings some joy to former coach Nazr al-Mujaheed. I’m sure it didn’t heal him, but hopefully it offered him temporary relief from pain.

Stay tuned next for Gentle Takes, our political roundtable where the hosts listen to each other talk about their days while they knit and say, “Thanks for sharing that with me.”

Good night, Night Vale, Good night.

Today’s proverb: Dress for the job you want: sports team mascot. Not the job you have: customer service manager.

#welcome to night vale #wtnv transcripts #wtnv #episode 134 #fall football preview #i know absolutely nothing about american football so if i got some terms wrong please let me know

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treadmilltreats · 1 year

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Don't give up on your dreams

I know that because we are human, we want things, and we want them now. Unfortunately, that is not the way the universe works. We must learn patience and perseverance, and unfortunately, we must sometimes wait.

I remember when I was in a bad place in my life, I would meditate. I would imagine my life and how I wanted it to be. This wasn't just me dreaming. This was me manifesting my new life to come.

Sometimes, as I was doing this, it was so real that it brought me to tears. I remember doing this at one point for three years straight, thinking, is this ever going to happen? But I never lost faith, I kept envisioning my life I wanted even as I cried myself to sleep most nights.

So I bet you're wondering if my dreams came true. Yes, it all came to pass. Not only did I get a divorce, I got a house, but not only a house to rent but one to own, that was 40k less than market value. I started my own business, and I was able to take care of my girls. I wrote not one book but two. My life is everything I envisioned and more!

I now have other dreams for my life that I envision. I meditate on these as well. I know what my wedding will look like, (No, I have no man as of yet, but I'm manifesting him as well) I am manifesting my cabin on the lake, in the mountains, and my next steps in my career. Over and over before I go to sleep, while I'm meditating or just when I have a quiet moment, I picture everything down to the exact details.

So today, my friends, I'm here to tell you that this is how it's done but trust and believe it won't happen overnight. But it will happen if you never give up on your dreams. Hold on, keep believing, and envision the life you want because, eventually, dreams do come true.

"Be the change you want to see,"

@TreadmillTreats"Be the change you want to see"

@Treadmilltreats

"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

**Now released my latest book**

The Blessing in Disguise.... revealed

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***Now available***

My 1st book The blessing in Disguise

Selling on my website:

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And on Amazon.com

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brandontwebb-blog1 · 6 years

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Mastering Fear: A Navy Seal’s Guide

After serving in the SEAL Teams for almost a decade as well as running one of the best sniper programs in the world, I got out of the Navy, started a business and lost everything. My entire life savings were gone and then my wife asked me for a divorce. To say it was a low point in my life would be an understatement. I lost it all, and because I wasn't afraid to confront my fear of failure, I built a second business that's valued at over $100M today. I did this because I understand how to face and harness fear as an advantage. I learned the value of facing and overcoming internal fear as a 16-year-old kid who left home and reinforced this later with my experience as a U.S. Navy SEAL. I faced my own fears such as public speaking, heights, financial security and, relationships over and over until I made it a habit to confront fear and use it to my advantage. Once you do this you can unlock massive potential. This is the one secret I will discuss in depth in my new book, Mastering Fear.

Click here to see Brandon’s entire literary collection…

https://www.amazon.com/Brandon-Webb/e/B00411DEKW/ref=dp_byline_cont_book_1

#brandon webb navy seal #brandon webb #brandon webb former navy seal #navy seal #mastering fear #Hurricane media #brandon webb ceo #brandon webb entrepreneur

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ann-theprophetess · 3 years

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You see this face..smiling..happy BUT..oh the life Ive lived. You would never know. You could never imagine. How Ive been changed! 💯💯💯🌟🌟🌟🌟😲 Fact or Fiction: You decide. Was bullied for years as a child. Did not grow up in a happy loving home. The police new my childhood home and last name by heart growing up. Has a brother in prison for life. ( we were raised in the same household). Was brutally raped at the age of 15 and that's how I lost my virginity. Started smoking big blunts and major drinking on the daily at 15. Moved out on my own at 16. At one point in my life I had a stage name... it was Mz. Thickness. I experienced homelessness I slept in a car. Went through a divorce. Was a single mother of 2 toddlers-a year apart doing it all on my own. Baby...can you believe that I could go on and on about my hardknock past life. This is why I wrote my memoirs my story is in this book so read my story and be inspired and entertained by a true story that reads like a movie: MEMORIES OF A GIRL ONCE WAS: AMAZON: https://www.amazon.com/LaDonna-Ann-Morgan/e/B071JJ9TYP/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1 ✨ In my #etsyshop ETSY DOWNLOAD ( EBOOK): https://www.etsy.com/listing/733461100/memories-of-a-girl-once-was?ref=shop_home_active_10 #selfpublishedauthor I have basically overcome EVERYTHING that was meant to kill me, destroy me, debilitate me..I don't LOOK like what I've been through! Interested in working with me or supporting me in any way? : Hit the linktree: 🌲My Link Tree🌲All services 🌟 Astrology, Psychic readings, Guidance sessions, YouTube, Candle energy clearing/ healing, @living_thatmetalife https://www.instagram.com/p/Cauv47HOG0_/?utm_medium=tumblr

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kellysbookblog · 3 years

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SECOND CHANCE VOW

M. Robinson

Release Date: November 16

From Wall Street Journal and USA Today Bestselling Author M. Robinson comes a second chance romance.

My Amazon Review: https://www.amazon.com/review/R8F57NHI0WLGR/ref=pe_1098610_137716200_cm_rv_eml_rv0_rv

My GR REview: https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/4195854197?book_show_action=false

From the moment I laid eyes on her, Kinley was mine.

At fifteen years old I was determined to make it happen, but we were on and off for years until I got it right between us and finally made her my wife.

We were supposed to be forever.

So in love.

So devoted.

So consumed with each other.

But somewhere along the way we lost sight of that love.

Ten years later and that love became anger. That devotion began to crumble, and we were consumed with resentment of life not working out the way we had planned.

We meant it when we vowed for better or for worse...

So why the hell were we signing divorce papers?

Buy Link: https://geni.us/SECOND-CHANCE-VOW

Meet M. Robinson:

M. Robinson is the Wall Street Journal & USA Today Bestselling Author crowned as the "Queen of Angst" by readers around the world. Dive into her visionary world that will take you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and leave you wanting more. She writes everything from contemporary to suspense romance and is best known for her novel, El Diablo. When M isn't in the cave writing her next epic love story, you will find her shopping and living on a boat in Florida with her real life pirate, her lobster, her husband Bossman. Sipping on Starbucks and hanging out with their two dogs, a German shepherd mix and a gordito Wheaten Terrier reading a good book. Or spending time with her family, who she is extremely close with. Above all, M loves her readers more than anything and loves to connect with them! She is on all social media platforms but you will find her in her happy place the most. Her VIP Reader Group on Facebook or her second favorite happy place, Instagram.

Connect with M. Robinson: Website: www.authormrobinson.com Facebook: www.facebook.com/authormrobinson Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/authormrobinson/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/AuthorMRobinson YouTube Channel: http://bit.ly/2Catz97 Reader Group: www.facebook.com/groups/M.RobinsonVIP/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@authormrobinson

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bothsandneithers · 4 years

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Day 3158

Everything is the same – until it’s not.

I use this phrase in response to all types of breaking news: a company acquisition, a divorce, a medical diagnosis, a new haircut.

It’s not an inherently comforting aphorism, unless stoic observations are calming to you under the duress of change. It hasn’t been of comfort to me lately.

In the first month of quarantine, there was a book series that did give me comfort. (Upon its completion, the the loss of that world exacerbated all of my feelings of loss within my world.) In the last book, there is this quote that seems to be a more sophisticated take on a similar idea:

There are moments when what exists on the edges of our lives, and which, it seems will be in the background forever – an empire, a political party, a faith, a monument, but also simply the people who are part of our daily existence – collapses in an utterly unexpected way, and right when countless other things are pressing upon us.1

I miss the people who were part of my daily routine, even if I am left guessing their names.

I miss Hannah from the bus. We used to be on the same commuting schedule to Boulder, and we got to talking around this time last year, when eroding soil split the highway wide open. We shared concerns about not knowing how long our commute would be disrupted, or if the crack would ever be repaired.

For a few months, traffic was diverted to a single lane. On average, the commute time was about 10 minutes longer. At the time, it was a notable disruption in routine. What if I told you that eight months later, this bus service would be suspended, and instead of going to an office, spring turns into summer (which will turn into fall) as you sit in a makeshift office that was created by partitioning off five feet of your bedroom?

After that brief moment of uncertainty that solidified our bond as commuters, every time she would see me, she would greet me with, “Hi, Amy!” Out of fear of saying the wrong name, I would respond, “Hello!” Sometimes we would talk, and other times she would get distracted by her co-worker who also rode the bus, and for whom she was always really happy to see.

I bet she misses him. Zoom happy hours might just make her feel even more alone.

I miss Sherri from barre class. I think she was somewhat new to Denver, but she was right at home in that building. I never spoke to her, but she somehow managed to be the social architect of the class, and she engineered a space that put everyone at ease. She always asked about people’s vacations when they returned from international travel. What if I told you that most countries would soon close their borders to us because we don’t have enough self-control to control a virus?

I wonder if she is risking air particle transmission to be in her church. Maybe she doesn’t actually think of isometric exercise as her form of worship. Maybe her name isn’t even Sherri.

Our Daily Existence

About one-hundred and fifteen days have evaporated into thin air, and I have very little to show for myself. Days bleed into nights that bleed into days that bleed into nights.

Nine pm is when it is cool outside. Yoga now takes place on a tiny piece of concrete in the backyard. I used to go to a studio in Boulder, but that place permanently closed. I used to go to a studio in Denver, but that place also permanently closed. Now I rotate through a set of twenty-five free guided sessions on my phone.

I’m in the final resting pose of savasana. The instructor says something along the lines of: you have been spending so much time focusing on your breath, now just let your breath return to you naturally. I look up at the overhanging power cords that stretch from all of our houses to to the main set of wires in the alley. From there, the wires continue onward to an unspecified location that I never wondered about until now.

My breath returns to me, and I notice how the cords partition the sky into a number of different arbitrary geometric shapes. Right above me is a tiny little sliver, containing just a few stars that are bright enough to be seen through the air pollution. Perhaps they were a bit brighter a couple months ago, before everything started opening up again.

Countless other things are pressing upon us

Somewhere to the right of me is a large rhombus-shaped cord design, aggregating the city east of my house. This includes Capitol Hill, where the streets were recently filled with protesters and tear gas, when the lock-down turned to curfew.

It’s true – I have been spending so much time focusing on my breath. When I breathe now, I run the risk of expelling droplets of a pernicious virus that can do something terrible to somebody else’s lungs. I’m also focused on the discourse that is not new, but is trending: that by breathing, by merely being, I act as a minimizing force on somebody else’s existence.

Some of us sit with these realities of privilege, and we don’t know what to do.We stay inside and become increasingly weird and neurotic. But, we are also economically privileged, and so we have therapists, and our therapists remind us that we can have all the privilege in the world, but that doesn’t mean that we aren’t depressed.

The protests have drifted to the south of Denver, to a police department where each day they find new ways to exemplify brutality.

Hopefully things are changing.

The proportion of positive test results are increasing everywhere.

Things are definitely changing.

I know a woman on Facebook who believes that masks are a form of tyranny.

Things will never change. Alternatively, this will accelerate the aforementioned change.

Thirty-percent of people missed their housing payment in July.

What is about to happen?

I think that my aphoristic insight is inaccurate. Rather, everything has some rate of change. But it is oftentimes slow enough that, due to a combination of ignorance, indifference, and distraction, we just don’t pay attention until it becomes very apparent that things aren’t the same anymore.

xx,

Amy

ps - it’s my birthday!!

The Story of the Lost Child, Elena Ferrante ↩︎

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jake-guentzel-59 · 7 years

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Shoot your Shot Part 1 - Auston Matthews

Now this is my first imagine and don’t be mad if you actually like it because it doesn’t have a lot of Auston in it all. I want this to be a series if people actually like it maybe like 4 or 5 parts? I feel like you need to get the main character first so most of this is about her. I’m working on part 2 and if this part has a good response I’ll post part 2 sometime tomorrow. Sorry again for the lack of Auston. Words: 1810 Warnings: Some cursing, mentions of some penguins players ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Finally being able to go a NHL game and watch your two favourite teams play is like a dream come true. The Penguins have always been your number one team but moving to Toronto has made you fall in love with the Maple Leafs. Auston Matthews may also have something to do with your new-found love for them. Moving to Toronto has been one of the best things that has ever happened to my family. My mom and dad got a pretty nasty divorce a couple of months ago. They never got along and were always fighting when they were together. He caught my mom cheating with his best friend. It broke his heart, I don’t think I've ever seen him so sad before. He ended up moving to Toronto after getting the job of Head of Peds Surgery at The Hospital for Sick Children and taking my 4-year-old sister Madeline with him. I stayed with my mom in Quebec to finish the last month of senior year with all my friends but the day after graduation, I hopped on a plane straight to Toronto. Me and my mom never got along, we would always be fighting and yelling at each other, so I couldn’t wait to get to Toronto. I had a great summer here, maybe even the best summer I've ever had. I met a lot of great people. A couple of days ago my dad saved the life of 6-year-old boy. He suffered from a brain injury. It was a very difficult surgery; about 5 hours long. They kept losing him and didn't think he was going to make it. But he was a fighter and pulled through. His father was so grateful that my dad was able to pull it off. Him and his son came to Toronto to see the Leafs game but they couldn’t go due to his sons' surgery so he offered, scratch that, he MADE my dad take the tickets for everything he did. My dad never really followed hockey, only watched games when I was watching them, so he gave me the tickets and I took a friend with me. She was a huge Leafs fan so she was ecstatic when I told her I was taking her.

It was game day and I couldn’t be more excited. I thought about wearing my Geno jersey to support the Pens but I decided that wasn’t a good idea going to a Leafs home game. I decided on just wearing a blue shirt seeing as I didn’t own a Toronto jersey. I had a tough time trying to find something seeing as me and group of friends were going out afterwards to celebrate my 19th birthday. I wouldn't have time to go home and change after the game, so I was trying to find something that wasn’t too flashy to wear to the game but nothing to boring to wear to a club. Finally finding an appropriate outfit, I started doing my hair and makeup. "Logan, can you come downstairs for a minute?" My dad yelled. "Yeah, I'll be down in just a second!" I replied, finishing up my makeup. Making my way down the stairs, I'm greeted at the bottom by my dad, Madeline and my best friend Kenzie. Dad holding a cake with lit candles, Madeline had some balloons and Kenzie was holding Madeline. All of them wearing birthday hats. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Logan, Happy birthday to you!" They all sang. "Thank you guys so much!" I exclaimed, after blowing out the candles. "LOG, I made you a gift!" Madeline yelled excitedly squirming out of Kenzies arms. She went running into the living room and came running back out with a poorly wrapped gift that you could tell she did herself. After she handed it to me I opened it up to reveal a framed picture she painted of me and her. It had macaroni, feathers, pom-poms and way too much glitter. "Thank you so much Mads, I'm gonna hang it on my wall so I can see it every day." I told her giving her a big hug. Madeline, or Mads as I call her, is only person I'm closer to than my dad. When she was born she had a heart defect and doctors didn’t think that she would survive. I knew the moment I first held her that I would do anything in the world just to protect her. "I'm glad you love it so much" She said. "I love it almost so much as I love you" I told her kissing her cheek. "Alright, time for my present" Dad said handing me a gift bag. I opened it up it find an Austin Matthews jersey. "I know you wanted to wear your Dino jer-"He started "Dad, its Geno" I corrected him laughing "Whatever or whoever it is, I know you wanted to wear his jersey but I also knew you secretly wanted to this guys jersey more, so I got Kenzie to help me out because I have no idea who any of this people are" He stated. "Thank you guys so much" I said giving them both hugs, "It's my second favourite present" I told them winking at Mads. "Well you never got my gift yet, just wait till we get the club after the game. I'm gonna get you fuc-… fudge, yeah I'm gonna get you fudge!" Kenzie corrected herself after my dad gave her a look because Mads was in the room. My dad was used to giving Kenzie this look. My best friend is very talkative, outgoing, and tends to say more curses than a grown man. My dad wasn't too sure of her the first time he met her but Mads just loved her. I met her my second day in Toronto at a small café. She works there as a barista and when I ordered my coffee, she wouldn’t shut up about how much she loved my make-up and that I had to do hers later that night because she had a 'hot date'. She wouldn't take no for an answer, so I needed up doing her make-up for her date. We talked and got to know each other very well. Later that night at about 1 or 2 in the morning, I got a text from her saying that because of my make-up skills, I helped her get the love her life and also the best sex of her life. They have been dating for about 3 months and they're hands down the cutest couple I've ever seen. Kenzie would have my back for anything. She's helped me through my parents' divorce and to get over my summer fling. I would be lost without her. "Well it's 7:30 now so you guys should be heading out now if you want to make it on time" Dad told us pushing us out the door. Kenzie decided on driving to the game, leaving the jeep there after the game and getting an Uber to the club. She wasn’t too worried about leaving the jeep there because it was her brothers and she didn’t care what happened to it. Her and her brother were nowhere as close as me and Mads. Also, according to her both of us needed to get very fucked up tonight because I didn't live in Toronto for her 19th so we had to make up for lost time. "I'm so excited for this game. Maybe you'll even catch a certain Mr. Matthews eye with your new jersey if the seats are close enough." She said wiggling her eyebrows "Where are we sitting anyways?" "Yes, I'm going to make him fall in love with me while I'm screaming at refs at all of their stupid calls but I believe were glass seats near the Toronto bench but I'm not sure, I don't know my way around the ACC that good yet" I stated. The rest of the 20-minute drive was just us screaming singing, very badly may I add, to our favourite songs. We finally made it to our seats just in time for warm up to start. Our seats were glass seats right next to the Leafs bench. Kenzie insisted that I had to sit in the seat closest to the bench because there's no way my future husband wasn't sitting on that bench. Ever since me and my summer fling broke things off, she has been trying to set me up with just about any guy that looked my way. She says I'm too pretty to just waste life away by myself but I'm perfectly fine without a boy. I don't think I need a guy so I'm not really out looking but I happen to stumble upon a good one I wouldn’t say no. "Oh my god there's Geno and Jake and Crosby, this is the best day ever!" I exclaimed to Kenzie "I think you might be at the wrong home game, like how are not excited over Marner, Matthews or Nylander. My god Logan you're wearing a Matthews jersey at least pay some attention to the Leafs." She said to me laughing. "Yeah yeah whatever, I guess you are right though. Matthews looks pretty damn good in person" I told her laughing as well, "These seats are amazing, I'm gonna have to go to the hospital and thank the guy who gave them to my dad. You know what, there's still 15 minutes left of warm up I'm gonna go get something for him and his son. I'll be back in a few minutes" I walked out to the concession stand area. They were selling everything Toronto out there. I picked them out some small things like a Toronto teddy bear, foam finger, and a bunch of other knick knacks. Remembering how the dad was saying he was going to buy his son a jersey at the game to surprise him, I even picked up a small jersey for the little boy. Making it back to my seat with 5 minutes left of warm up. "Good your back, now I really think you should shoot your shot with Matthews and if that doesn’t work try Nylander. Now I know Matthews has a reputation of sleeping around a lot but I think you could tame hi-" Kenzie started before she was interrupted by a puck hitting the glass. "Jesus Christ!" I screamed while jumping. I was too busy listening to Kenzies’ 'plan' that it scared me more than it should have. "Who did that?' I asked as we both searched the ice to find the source. "I believe it was your future husband" She said as she pointed towards the ice. I followed her finger to Marner laughing and Matthews waving at us. "I guess he's shooting his shot first" I said waving back to him.

#nhl imagines #Auston matthews #Auston matthews imagine #Toronto #TML #Toronto Maple Leafs #Imagine #Mitch Marner #William Nylander #Pittsburgh Penguins #Hockey

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