#i love him mr ai dj thank you

[amber-isnt-a-precious-stone]

I fucking love the new spotify DJ function. I love this guy introducing my songs and vibes- it's like I have a personal music dude in the studio talking just to me

[obligatorynasty]

Pretty sure stripper!peter has been done before, but my brain wouldn’t let me write anything else unless I wrote this first, so yeah.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Silk and Honey (Stripper!Peter)

“FRI, you’re sure this is the place?” Tony stood atop an adjacent building, donning his stealth suit and staring down at the mess of neon lights, drunk patrons, and loud music spilling from the establishment.

“Yes,” FRIDAY replied. “Surveillance from nearby security and traffic cameras indicate that the target, Spider-Man, was last seen entering this building from a back entrance at approximately 9:50 PM.”

“FRIDAY, this is a strip club.”

“That is a correct assessment of the location, boss.”

“I don’t remember programming any of that sass.” Tony grinned, knowing that the AI must have learned it from him. “Okay, let’s ditch the suit.” He jumped into an alleyway, easing his fall with his boot thrusters as the nanotech melted away from his body to reveal a classic Tony Stark gray suit. “I can see the headlines now: Tony Stark enters Gay Strip Club under the Guise of Night.” He laughed as he fastened his cuff buttons, adjusted his hair, and placed his signature sunglasses on his face. “Pep’s not going to let me hear the end of this one, is she?”

FRIDAY’s interface gleamed across the surface of the glasses, “Analysis of previous instances leads to a no, boss.”

Tony rolled his eyes at his digital assistant and exited the alley. As he approached the building, crowds of eyes and gossip surrounded him, yet, he kept himself in stride, completely unfazed by the chatter. He was used to it after all. At the door, a bouncer’s face lit up, “Oh wow! Sir, you’re Tony Stark!”

“Yes,” Tony sighed. “And you’re nondescript strip club bouncer.” He gave the man a bored look. “And you also happen to be in the way.” The smug grin that undoubtedly appeared on his lips was one that Rhodey always told him not to use because it’s rude and makes people feel inferior.  But Tony had no time to worry about the bouncer’s response. He had a spider to catch.

The inside of the club was dimly lit with purple hues, save for the stage which was basked in a warm red spotlight. The place reeked of boozy drinks and the men that drank them. They sat in chairs that encircled the stage, grabbing at the young male servers and throwing dollars at the blonde stripper dancing around the center pole. The music was energetic and the dancer was even more so, popping his body in time and gaining perverted whistles from the groups of men.

Tony took a seat at the bar that spanned the back wall and tapped against the wooden surface to get the bartender’s attention. “Hey, you.”

The bartender peeked up. “Yes, sir?”

“Would you happen to know if any high school kids work here?”

“No, sir! Absolutely not!” The bartender was adamant. “Everyone who works here is eighteen or older. We would never hire someone younger than that.”

“Sure you wouldn’t.” Tony deadpanned. “Then does someone by the name Pe-?”

“Now wasn’t that just a phenomenal performance! Show our boy some love!” The DJ’s voice boomed over the music, and Tony’s conversation, as the blonde boy on stage quickly collected his earnings and sauntered backstage. “The next dancer we have for you is our newest boy-” The men hollered at the announcement like a pack of wild dogs. “And clearly a fan favorite I see. Let’s get those dollars out for the young, gravity-defying beauty himself. Make some noise for Silk and Honey!”

All the lights in the club went dark, except for the stage’s red spotlight, and the men practically howled when it happened. From behind the curtain, a young boy stepped onto the stage and posed, face turned away from the crowd. He wore a loose black outfit that covered every inch of his body and as the music began lowly drumming through the darkness, the fabric flowed in time.

The kid swayed his hips to the sensual rhythms and took ginger steps towards the pole. His feet strapped in shiny sliver stilettos and his nose and mouth covered in a white silk mask that hooked on the ears. He clutched the pole, strutting around it and rolling his body to the music. And when one man screamed a very distracting ‘Take it off!’, the boy obliged. Without halting his mesmerizing movements, the kid’s hands danced at the bottom of the loose shirt in a tease before pulling upwards, revealing a white strappy chest harness that made Tony’s mouth go dry. The pants were next to go. They tore away in a quick motion and unveiled a pair of silk booty shorts that cupped his body in a way that left nothing to the imagination.

“Boss, image analysis indicates that Silk and Honey’s physique is an exact match for Spider-Man’s.”

***

“Okay, let’s just not talk for a sec, FRI.” Tony blushed, realizing that he was being enraptured by his target but making the hasty decision to let himself have this. He wanted to watch.

The kid grabbed the pole again and hopped towards it, his legs hooking the pole at the knees as his body spun around effortlessly. The sensual rotations gained delighted cheers from the men fawning over him. As he eased himself down into a headstand, they threw stacks of ones against the stage, and as he dropped his legs into a split, the crowd clapped and whistled. From his place at the bar, Tony intensely stared, unbelievably enamored with the boy’s flexible body and the way it moved.

The kid commanded the attention of everyone in the room. He was breathtaking. His performance was full of aerial tricks; spins and kicks and climbs and drops. Tony found himself holding his breath, especially when those heels clicked together or those creamy legs spread apart and the light hit them just right. Or when he dropped against the floor on his knees and bent over like he was being fucked. Tony knew it was just typical stripper floor work – there was nothing inherently special about it – but something about the way the kid did it made blood rush to Tony’s pants.

Then the kid’s song began to culminate, and the hollering from the men was in crescendo as if to beg for one final move. And the kid rewarded them. He climbed to the top of the pole and flipped, maintaining his poise and treating the ceiling as the floor. Again, he strutted around the pole, rolling his body to the music, but this time, he was upside down. It was so beautiful and seamless and, just as the DJ said, gravity-defying. Tony wanted to watch more. He almost needed it.

The kid finished his performance with a drop that made the whole room gasp. He was centimeters off the floor, thighs clutching the pole, body in an alluring plank, and eyes smiling at his fans who showered his body in money.

“Give it up for the illustrious Silk and Honey! Always a treat when he hits the stage!” As the DJ spoke and the kid collected his earnings, the low purple lights switched back on. “Before we move on to our next dancer, my boss says I must remind you that private shows can be requested at the bar! Now, next up...” The DJ began announcing the next talent but Tony stopped listening; his brain overrun by thoughts of the kid’s performance.

“Boss, I’m detecting an increased heart rate and blood pooling in the gr-”

“Didn’t I ask for no talking?” Tony whispered under his breath.

“You requested a sec, which, through analyzing your usage statistics, I have calculated to be somewhere in the interval of one second to two hours. Therefore, I am unable to deduce the proper amount of waiting time.”

Tony rolled his eyes at his AI, ignoring her sass once again and, instead, grabbing the bartender’s attention. “Get me a private room with Silk and Honey.”

“Yes, sir.” The bartender nodded and began ringing up Tony’s purchase on the register. “How much time would you like to-?”

“All of it.”

“Excuse me?”

“All of it,” Tony repeated with a sarcastic glint in his eye. “As in from now until closing.”

The bartender gave a surprised face but didn’t dare question the large sum of money Tony dropped on the boy. “You can go to the third room. He will meet you there.”

Without a thank you, Tony moved towards the private room area to the left of the bar. It was separated by a satin curtain and guarded by a bouncer that nodded and waved him in as he approached. The hallway was filled with the aroma of liquor and the sounds of satisfied men. When Tony reached the third door, it had a small sign hanging on it with Silk and Honey written in cursive.

“Mr. Stark?”

Tony’s gaze snapped to the voice behind him. The kid was standing there. His mouth and nose were still hidden behind his mask and his body was still wrapped in that sexy leather harness, those eye-catching heels, and those scandalous short shorts. Tony’s breath caught but he parted his lips to speak anyway. “That would be me, kid.”

The kid’s eyes sparkled and his cheeks raised, and Tony couldn’t help but picture the sweet smile that lay beneath the veil. “Thank you for paying for me tonight.” He placed a hand in Tony’s and pushed open the door. Inside was lit like the club, low and purple. There was a raised platform with a single pole and a sofa facing it. “Sit here, Mr. Stark. I want you to be very comfortable.”

Tony took a seat, “How old are you, kid?”

“I’m of age.” The kid’s heels rhythmically clicked against the black linoleum as he stepped on top of the platform, placing a hand on the pole. “Now, is there anything special that I can do for you, Mr. Stark?”

Tony cleared his throat, knowing that he needed to throw away his attraction to the kid and focus on his mission. He knew he needed to confront him about being Spider-Man. He knew he had to ask why Peter Parker, a seventeen year-old high school student, was working as a stripper. He knew he had to do these things. But he didn’t.

“Why don’t you start by taking those shorts off for me?”

-

Part 2: x

[troped-fanfic-challenge]

The Master List of the Summer 2020 Chopped 3.0: The 100 Fanfic Challenge!

Thanks so much to everyone who participated in this third run of our full Chopped Challenge! We are so happy that this fun little idea that we got from @chants-de-lune continues to be such a success!

In this event we had Historical Body Swaps, Sci-Fi Reunions based on TV/Movies, Epic Platonic Fantasy Heists, and Crazy El Dorado Adventures! We received so many creative and exciting fics that were a thrill to read. We hope you guys had as much fun writing and reading these fics as we did, and we hope you’ll join us for more events in the future.

Please check out all the Chopped 3.0 fics below. Don’t forget to leave the authors some love!

———

Round 1: Historical Fics

Tropes:

Body Swap

Competing “Businesses”

Meet Ugly

First Kiss

On a Tear (Rated M) [Emori/Murphy/Raven] by @sparklyfairymira

Summary: Raven Reyes doesn’t get along with John and Emori Murphy - the owners of the only other speakeasy in Arkadia. What happens when her world is turned upside down and she finds herself inside Emori’s body?

2nd Place Best Overall, 3rd Place Theme, 1st Place Body Swap Trope, 3rd Place Competing Businesses Trope, 1st Place Meet Ugly Trope, 1st Place Tie First Kiss Trope, 2nd Place Best Dialogue, and Most Unique Pairing Winner.

A Change of Heart (Rated G) [Bellamy/Clarke] by @queenemori

Summary: When Clarke’s mother informed her she’d be spending her summer in England’s newest seaside resort, she did not expect such an eventful trip. She was only sent to see if they actually posed a threat to her family’s resort in Brighton. She did not at all expect to make an enemy of the architect’s nephew. But when an unusual situation arises, Clarke and Mr. Blake must learn to work together, no matter how much they dislike each other.

Or, a loose Sanditon AU

1st Place Best Overall, 1st Place Theme, 3rd Place Body Swap Trope, 2nd Place Competing Businesses Trope, 3rd Place Meet Ugly Trope, 1st Place Tie First Kiss Trope, and 1st Place Best Dialogue Winner.

May We Meet Again (Rated T) [Bellamy/Clarke] by @changingthefairy-tale

Summary: Clarke and Bellamy both show up to assassinate the same target. Chaos ensues.

3rd Place Best Overall, 2nd Place Theme, 2nd Place Body Swap Trope, 1st Place Competing Businesses Trope, 2nd Place Meet Ugly Trope, 1st Place Tie First Kiss Trope, and 3rd Place Best Dialogue Winner.

———

Round 2: Sci-Fi Fics

Tropes:

Based on a TV Show/Movie

Reunion

Kiss to keep cover/keep a secret

Forehead touches

and i’ll never say i love you (but i meant it all along) (Rated T) [Bellamy/Clarke] by @bellamysgriffin

Summary: When Coach, a dating system that pairs you with someone for an allotted amount of time and gives no way to bypass its rules, matches Bellamy and Clarke together, they find an immediate dislike for the other. Luckily, they only have to spend twelve hours together and then they can go their separate ways.

That is, until Coach matches them again. And again. And again. Until they start to wonder if something deeper is going on.

Or, Bellamy and Clarke in Hang the DJ

1st Place Theme and 2nd Place Based on a TV Show/Movie Trope Winner.

Per Aspera Ad Astra [Through Hardship to the Stars] (Rated G) [Bellamy/Clarke] by @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold

Summary: It’s boredom one fateful night that leads Clarke Griffin to ditching the first basketball game of the season. That same boredom then leads to her choosing to hang out with one Bellamy Blake – which should feel weirder than it is since they haven’t really been friends since his sister’s disappearance two years ago.

But then their night really takes a turn.

The two of them discover a strange audio frequency that could change the small town of Arkadia, New Mexico – and the future – forever. Dropped phone calls, forgotten tapes, and strange lights follow Bellamy and Clarke as they race through the night on a scavenger hunt to discover the truth. That maybe there was something more to Octavia’s disappearance, maybe there’s more to their friendship than being just friends, and that maybe they aren’t as alone in the universe as they thought.

2nd Place Best Overall, 2nd Place Forehead Touch Trope, 2nd Place Tie Kiss to keep cover/keep a secret Trope, and 1st Place Reunion Trope Winner.

through the muted waves (Rated T) [Murphy/Emori] by @the-most-beautiful-broom

Summary: Scientists call the Tomorrow People the next stage of human evolution, the government denies their existence, but their cocktail of psionic abilities have made homo superiors the target of Eligius. Even though Eligius has closed the project that allows Tomorrow People to override their genetic inability to kill, they still relentlessly hunt them, desperate to neutralize their abilities. When Murpy wakes up in Eligius headquarters, he knows he’s returned for a reason…if only he could understand his connection to the brown-eyed girl who keeps cropping up on the corners of his memory.

3rd Place Tie Theme and 2nd Place Tie Kiss to keep cover/keep a secret Trope Winner.

in the red snares (Rated T) [Octavia/Lincoln] by @justbecauseyoubelievesomething

Summary: The prevailing theory around the existence of Slayers (her existence) is that a variation of the alien parasite the miners unearthed deep in the Sub Stratum started infecting hosts in order to combat the vampire parasite. Octavia scoffs at the thought. The theory is probably right, especially since Monty is pretty confident in it, but she still hates the whole thing. The Slayer parasite really needs an upgrade in her opinion.

3rd Place Best Overall and 3rd Place Most Unique Pairing Winner.

The Cockroach (Rated T) [Murphy/Emori] by @mobi-on-a-mission

Summary: “This is the cockroach hailing Mission Team Alpha. It’s Sol 30 here on good ol’ Planet Alpha. Not that it’s really a planet, but eh whatever. Technicalities, right? Anyway. Systems check. Arm: healing. Bugs: normal. Radio: shitty. Attitude: good.”

1st Place Best Overall, 2nd Place Theme, 1st Place Forehead Touch Trope, and 3rd Place Reunion Trope Winner.

I’m No Hero (Rated T) [Murphy/Emori] by @queenemori

Summary: It’s 2052 and Reapers are wreaking havoc on mutants and humans alike. Murphy is recruited by Kane and Jaha to go back in time to prevent Octavia Blake from starting an international crisis that made the future much worse. But going back to the past comes with some side effects, mainly having to do with some relationships that Murphy left on bad terms.

3rd Place Tie Theme, 3rd Place Based on a TV Show/Movie Trope, and 3rd Place Forehead Touch Trope Winner.

from angels or devils (Rated T) [Octavia Blake] by @dylanobrienisbatman

Summary: Octavia was dead, and then she wasn’t. The nuns say it was the gift of an angel, but they may not know as much as they claim.

Will she be able to learn to channel it’s gifts, or will she be claimed by the villain who has followed the Halo through time and space?

3rd Place Most Unique Source Material Winner.

Can’t Tell if this is True or Dream (Rated M) [Echo/Gabriel] by @kuklash

Summary: “Do you understand your mission, agent?” A cloud of smoke punctuated the Director’s question, streaming from his mouth in thick, grey ribbons.

“I am to evaluate the necessity of the work Dr. Santiago is doing and report back at the conclusion of the investigation,” Echo repeated her instructions. Her lungs filled with second-hand smoke and she stifled a cough.

“I hope you appreciate the delicacy of this mission, Echo.” His intense gaze bore a hole into her’s. “Gabriel is not to know the nature of your assignment.”

She met his gaze with equal intensity as she stood up to leave.

“I understand, sir.”

1st Place Most Unique Pairing Winner.

There are some things written in the stars (Rated G) [Bellamy/Clarke] by @changingthefairy-tale

Summary: Dear Bell,

I know you have a million questions. When I planned to come see you in Sau Paulo, I knew I wouldn’t have much time, and there was just too much I wanted to say. But also so much I knew I couldn’t. My only hope is that this journal answers some of your questions, and by some miracle saves your life.

My name is Clarke Griffin, a historian. We’ve never met before today, in your time at least. In 2019, I would be just starting my professorship at Arkadia University back in the states. That’s honestly the only reason Murphy didn’t fight me on seeing you — no chance that I’d cross paths with myself. He wouldn’t have been able to stop me, mind you. But he’s definitely the better pilot, so I’m glad he was on board.

I’m getting away from myself. It’s hard to remember a time when you didn’t just instinctively know what I was thinking. It’s felt a little like you’ve just known me my whole life, the way we’ve always been in sync. Let me start from the beginning, just rip the bandaid off…

Or the “Timeless” AU you never knew you needed. Submitted as part of the Chopped Challenge: Round 2.

3rd Place Kiss to keep cover/keep a secret Trope, and 2nd Place Reunion Trope Winner.

Healing AIs, Healing Hearts (Rated T) [Octavia/Raven] by @spacekrulesbians

Summary: Raven and her mother were a perfect team, working with damaged and mistreated AIs and tech. When tragedy strikes, however, Raven has to figure out how to make it on her own. And then there’s that new assistant her mom hired, making things interesting.

1st Place Most Unique Source Material and 2nd Place Most Unique Pairing Winner.

inconceivable (Rated T) [Bellamy/Clarke] by @kindclaws

Summary: The first touch of his fingers on her wrists makes her whole body shiver. She’s so painfully aware of him being just behind her, of the wonder and the impossibility of his existence here, that she has to remind herself to keep breathing as he slowly picks apart the knots binding her hands together. “If I turn around, will you be gone?” she murmurs. “Is this a bad dream? Will you be dead again when I wake up?”

“I’m real,” he says softly, and finally the last knot falls away and her hands are free.

It’s practically inconceivable.

(Chopped 3 presents: The Princess Bride. In space, bitches.)

1st Place Based on a TV Show/Movie Trope, 1st Place Kiss to keep cover/keep a secret Trope, and 2nd Place Most Unique Source Material Winner.

———

Round 3: Fantasy Fics

Tropes:

Heist AU

Character gets given a potion that makes them unable to lie

Garnderer AU

Forehead kiss

What Is Mine (Rated T) [Jordan & Hope] by @memoriisendgame

Summary: Jordan learns the important lesson of family and friendship as he attempts to get back something he feels he rightfully deserves.

5th Place Best Overall, 3rd Place Tie Heist AU Trope, 3rd Place Forehead Kiss Trope, and 2nd Place Most Unique Pairing Winner.

A Change in the Weather (Rated T) [Murphy & Clarke & Raven] by @sparklyfairymira

Summary: Murphy leans over, plucking a weed from between the Bitter Spolwoods. “There you go. All better now. Can’t let that mean old weed try and strangle you, can we?” He grabs the water jug by his side and waters the ground around the plants before stroking the purple leaves. “You’re doing so well here. Look at you getting so big.”

“Are you talking to the plants again?”

Murphy grins as he turns to face Raven. “I don’t know why you’re surprised. I always talk to the plants. Why do you think they grow so well?”

“They’re plants, Murphy.” Raven raises an eyebrow as she stares at him.

“Exactly.” Murphy turns to the plants again, lovingly stroking the leaves. “Ignore her. She just doesn’t understand.”

Or: A friend is kidnapped causing Murphy, Raven, and Clarke to join forces with others to save him, all while set in a magical fantasy world.

3rd Place Best Overall, 2nd Place Truth Serum Trope, 1st Place Forehead Kiss Trope, 1st Place Tie Gardener AU Trope, 3rd Place Best Descriptions, and 3rd Place Most Unique Pairing Winner.

We will begin again (Rated T) [Raven & Gaia] by @dylanobrienisbatman

Summary: Over two centuries ago, Man stole the Giant’s Heart from where it was protected by the Witches, and with it, they gained great power. But the longer it is away, the more damage is done to the planet.

Can Raven, along with her companions, return the Giant’s Heart to the Witches and restore balance and prosperity to the world?

1st Place Theme, 1st Place Heist AU Trope, 1st Place Best Descriptions, and 1st Place Most Unique Pairing Winner.

picture me in the weeds (before i learned civility) (Rated T) [Clarke & Murphy] by @probably-voldemort

Summary: There are three days from when Clarke was seven that she doesn’t remember. Not odd in itself, except for what those days contain. She remembers leaving her house with her neighbour John to play in the woods like they did every day, and then she remembers coming home three days later. She has no memory of where they’d gone or what happened or why John never came back.

Now, Clarke returns to the woods for the first time in sixteen years. After running into someone from her past who shouldn’t exist, Clarke begins to wonder if everything she’s believed for years could really be a lie.

1st Place Best Overall, 3rd Place Tie Theme, 2nd Place Forehead Kiss Trope, and 1st Place Tie Gardener AU Trope Winner.

talos bless us (Rated T) [Echo & Raven] by @spacekrulesbians

Summary: When Bellamy gets himself captured by Imperials, sisters Raven and Echo plan the ultimate heist to break him out of a closely guarded fort, aided by a dark elf and a khajiit.

4th Place Best Overall, 3rd Place Tie Theme, 3rd Place Tie Heist AU Trope, 1st Place Truth Serum Trope, and 2nd Place Gardener AU Trope Winner.

truth lies in an abyss (Rated T) [Bellamy & Clarke] by @justbecauseyoubelievesomething

Summary: “Thank you for meeting me here.” Her dark blue hood obscures most of her face, but when she tilts her chin towards him, her green eyes flash in the starlight.

He nods demurely. “I take it you have a proposition for us?”

She hesitates. “Is it true what you can do? Enter the Fade?”

“I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t true.”

“And are you as good as they say you are?”

Bellamy lets a faint smile cross his lips. “I don’t know what they say, but I can assure you I take the utmost pride in my work, Lady Griffin.”

A Fantasy Heist AU for the Chopped 100 Challenge

2nd Place Best Overall, 2nd Place Theme, 2nd Place Heist AU Trope, 3rd Place Truth Serum Trope, 3rd Place Gardener AU Trope, and 2nd Place Best Descriptions Winner.

———

Round 4: Championship Fics

Tropes:

El Dorado

Frikdreina

Telepathy

Free Space

The Life We Seek To Find (Rated T) [Emori/Murphy] by @memoriisendgame

Summary: “Alexia and Blue, they’ll have a better chance there. You will have a better chance there. Trust me.”

Murphy and Emori make the daring decision to travel across the unknown wasteland of Earth in order to find the so-called ‘City Of Light’ in the hopes of finding a better future for their little family.

-Loosely based on “Bird Box” in the sense that there is a safe haven a long journey away.

1st Place Frikdreina Trope, 1st Place Telepathy Trope, and 2nd Place Tie Best Plot Twist Winner.

Am I dreaming (Or is this burning an eternal flame) (Not Rated) [Emori/Murphy/Raven] by @sparklyfairymira

Summary: A post-apocalyptic story of soulmates.

Murphy never thought he’d meet his soulmate - let alone find out he had two. But that’s just what he does while he and Bellamy searched for Octavia. And now he’s expected to help save the world? This was not how he was expecting his life to go.

3rd Place Best Overall, 3rd Place Tie Theme, 3rd Place Tie Frikdreina Trope, 2nd Place Telepathy Trope, 2nd Place Author’s Choice Trope, and 2nd Place Most Unique Pairing Winner.

Show Me Yours, I’ll Show You Mine (Rated T) [Emori/Murphy] by @queenemori

Summary: Emori doesn’t do normal. That’s something she’s never had in her life. It’s why she doesn’t really question it when she starts having weird dreams that have absolutely nothing to do with her. And why she doesn’t question it when she happens upon the subject of the dreams, either. Like this mysterious guy, she’s just along for the ride.

A modern retelling of Emori and Murphy’s first meeting.

2nd Place Best Overall, 2nd Place Theme, 3rd Place Tie Frikdreina Trope, 3rd Place Author’s Choice Trope, and 2nd Place Tie Best Plot Twist Winner.

leave my loneliness unbroken (Rated T) [Bellamy/Clarke/Raven] @justbecauseyoubelievesomething

Summary: When you turn ten years old, you hear your soulmate’s voice inside your head.

Or so Raven’s been told.

3rd Place Most Unique Pairing Winner.

Rattle the Stars (Rated G) [Octavia/Lincoln] by @she-who-the-river-could-not-hold

Summary: Even as humanity spread itself through space, the universe remains the true final frontier. Outlaws rule the fringes of galaxies and for those who are down on their luck, it’s not an easy lifestyle.

Octavia Blake grows up on stories of a fearsome bandit named Charmaine Diyoza and dreams of one day going on her own intergalactic adventures. She’s eighteen when that becomes a reality, a chance encounter leading her on a treasure hunt throughout the galaxy in search of the famed El Dorado, a Treasure Planet made entirely of gold. Along the way she makes allies and enemies –– but one person in particular guides her along the way. A cyborg named Lincoln helps her blossom on the ship and come into herself and she can’t help but fall for him, even as she learns that not everything is as it seems. But with the mysterious map in hand, unusual friends, and her own belief in herself, she might just discover more than gold on this adventure.

1st Place Best Overall, 1st Place Theme, 1st Place El Dorado Trope, 2nd Place Frikdreina Trope, and 1st Place Best Plot Twist Winner.

until the next, my beloved (Rated T) [Luna/Raven/Roan] by @spacekrulesbians

Summary: Luna and Roan set off to find the legendary city of Eden, where it is said there is gold stretching as far as one can see. As Raven cannot come due to her blindness, Luna takes it upon herself to keep sending her messages.

3rd Place Tie Theme, 3rd Place Telepathy Trope, 1st Place Author’s Choice Trope, 3rd Place Tie Best Plot Twist, and 1st Place Most Unique Pairing Winner.

lost in the woods (Rated T) [Clarke/Murphy] by @probably-voldemort

Summary: Murphy can read minds, but only sometimes. It doesn’t help him not get lost on a class hiking trip.

3rd Place Tie Best Plot Twist Winner.

[blackmissfrizzle]

A Tale of Two Soldiers- Part 2

Title: A Tale of Two Soldiers- Part 2

Pairing: Bucky x black!reader, Erik x black!reader

Summary: Erik attends the readers birthday party.

Word Count: 5150

Warnings: SMUT (18+), cussing, Erik being Erik

Read Part 1 here.

A/N: This is my first MCU fic and Erik fic. Please don’t hate me if its trash lol! There will definitely be multiple parts.  This is set after Black Panther but before Infinity War. Please reblog if you really like it!

A/N: Sorry this is so long, but I had so many ideas for this part and I didn’t want to break it up in mini-parts.

Your birthday party was in full swing. The dj was playing a mix of 80s to current music, the food smelled delicious, and you were surrounded by family and friends. The only thing that was missing were your friends on the run: Steve, Nat, Sam, and Bucky.

Your outfit was a simple, black maxi dress with black wedges, and a gold hoop earrings, which unfortunately matched Erik’s which was, a black t-shirt with black adidas joggers and his gold canine grill, which caused your family to believe you were a couple as soon as you stepped out.

“Girl, you sure he ain’t your man,” your oldest sister, Jemilah wondered as she pointed her cup to Erik while he was talking to your brothers and brothers-in-laws.

“Yes heifer! I’m sure that he’s not my man. Why you asking that stupid ass question?”

Casey, the second youngest interjected, “Because he hasn’t taken his eyes off of you since the party started.”

“Well, you need to tell him that, because the way he looking at you telling me he in love and he gon be breaking your back tonight,” Jemilah claimed.

You just told your sisters that Erik was just watching out for you, because he knew you could get a little buck wild when you drank and he didn’t want you to act a fool in front of your family. Soon, they dropped the topic to start gossiping about some of the party goers and you were thankful the attention was off of you for a while. However, your respite was short live, because your mom was strutting towards you with a man who gave you Morris Chestnut vibes with his physique and beautiful skin.

“Y/N, dear, this is Malcom. Malcom, this is my daughter, Y/N, the birthday girl.”

You shook Malcom’s hand, which was smooth unlike Erik’s or Bucky’s. While you two exchanged pleasantries, your mom listed off Malcom’s credentials like she was reading his resume. You tuned her out while seeking a way out at her blatant attempt of matchmaking, when you suddenly felt a familiar warmth behind.

“Hey princess, one of your sisters said they needed your help with something.”

You gave Erik a silent thank you and told your mom and Malcom you catch them later. Somehow your mother caught you taking a break from everyone in the kitchen. “You know, you didn’t have to have your little friend help you escape. I’m just trying to help.”

Exasperated with the same conversation with your mother you sighed, “Help with what mama? I’m not ready to settle down, especially not with some lame lawyer.”

Your mother walked up to you and grabbed your arms, “Baby, Malcom is not lame. He’s a Morehouse man, does plenty of community service for kids of color, and he worked for Obama. The Barack Obama,” she stressed. “And you ain’t getting any younger.” Of course, your mama would be the only one to consider 26 old. “I don’t understand you, Y/N. Why you must be the only one out of 6 kids to rebel against everything. You chose to go to Howard instead of Spelman like your sisters did and if you were a boy you wouldn’t go to Morehouse like your brothers, then you had the nerve to join the Marines, and when you got discharged you did something even crazier, you let my crazy ass brother and his ridiculous friend Tony Stark talk you into joining the Avengers.”

Pulling away from her, you begged your mom, “Can we not argue about this today? I just want to enjoy my friends and family and celebrate my birthday. Is that too much to ask for?”

“Is it too much for me to ask for you to be happy and safe,” your mom threw right back. After a moment of silence, surprisingly, your mom agreed to drop it but promise you two would talk more about it tomorrow.

As you made your way back outside, you joined your siblings on the dance floor and began doing the bunny hop with them. Once that ended, the dj began playing Get It Ready by DJ Jubliee and you knew you were about the cut the fuck up. You felt Erik’s familiar presence behind you and once you heard ‘walk it like a dog’ you were grinding all up Erik like y’all weren’t at a family function. When the song was over you heard your dad clear his throat to break the lust filled gazes you and Erik were giving each other.

“Sorry, daddy,” you mumbled to your dad and ran off to join your sisters and Nakia, Okyoe, and Shuri at the tables. When you joined them, you heard Jemilah mutter to the others, “Mmmhmm, ain’t my man my ass.”

“Oh, he’s not. Y/N has another suitor back home,” Shuri happily confessed.

“Traitor,” you whispered in the princess’s ear.

Casey started whipping her head around as she was in search for someone, “Why he ain’t here then?”

“James does not feel well,” Okyoe admitted while she gave you a secret wink. Thank God, she lied for you, because even though you’ve done undercover ops for some unknown reason you can’t lie to your sisters that well.

“Describe him,” Jemilah ordered.

Thinking of Bucky automatically had you in a dream-like state, “Tall. Broad shoulders. Body of a Greek God. Oh, and his eyes. They’re this deep blue—”

“BLUE?” your sisters shouted.

“You really trying to give mama a heart attack. This man white?” Casey chuckled and you shook your head yes. You knew their outburst came from the fact that your mama had this goal of all her children have a black love relationship like her and your father. It wasn’t bad that she promoted black love, you really appreciated it, but she was harsh on y’all if you tried dating someone outside your race, she and Erik had that in common. You remembered when Casey brought back her white boyfriend during Christmas break one year and your mama was so hard on the poor boy, he didn’t make it to Christmas Eve dinner.

“He is. And I obviously don’t care what she thinks, so lets drop it ok,” you demanded and thankfully the women obliged.

You and the other women discussed the Wakanda Outreach program, when Casey swore, “Aww fuck! Here comes ‘Cousin Faith’.” Now you really didn’t have a Cousin Faith, her real name was Stephanie, but you and your sisters called her Cousin Faith because she was always trying to steal one of y’alls man, even after your sisters got married.

“Y/N, how the fuck you bag a prince,” Stephanie whined.

Clearly confused you looked at her crazy, “Girl, what are you talking about? I’m not dating any prince.”

“Not yet anyway. That dread-headed nigga, Erik. He was talking to your mama and daddy about how he sees a future with you, and said his last name is ummmmm… shit….it’s something foreign.”

“Udaku,” Shuri interjected.

“Yes that’s it,” Stephanie exclaimed. “And your mama walking around saying you marrying a prince and you’re gonna be princess of a country of black people. Girl she even kicked that lame nigga, Malcom out the party. Talking about she don’t want him to mess up your chances with Erik.”

Your sisters just stared at you with slacked jaws and wide eyes at this revelation. You only told them that Erik was an American close with the Wakandan royalty and worked for the Wakanda Outreach Program out in Oakland. Jemilah was the first to say something, “Whew chile. You better get ready for that wedding, because you know mama ain’t gon let up now she knows he’s a prince.” You just rolled your eyes at her and went in search for the soon to be dead prince of Wakanda.

Erik must have known you were looking for him, because when you put your sight on him he ran the opposite direction and went inside the house. The nigga was fast because he was nowhere to be found.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y. where is Mr. Stevens,” you called out to the AI.

“In the downstairs bathroom by the kitchen. I have unlocked the door for you.”

You shouted out a thanks to the AI and proceeded to find Erik rolling a blunt in the bathroom. Wasting no time, you decked that nigga in his pitbull ass face. “Oh shit, princess! That hurt. What the fuck is your problem?”

Pointing a finger at the handsome but infuriating man, you responded, “What’s my problem? My problem is you telling my mama that you a whole damn prince!”

Erik rubbed his chin and smirked at you, “So what you’re saying is, you’re mad at me for telling the truth about being a prince, but you ain’t mad that I told your parents I have plans for making you my wife.”

Oh shit, you forgot about the part. Damn, now this nigga really thought he had a chance, but somewhere inside of you knew that the prospect of being Erik’s wife sounded ideal, but you couldn’t let him know. “That’s beside the point Erik. You knew my mama thinks of herself as a so-called matchmaker and you just add fuel to her fire. She’s not gonna stop until I become Mrs. Y/N Udaku.”

Erik couldn’t stop cheesing when he heard your name in front of last name, it gave him a sense of pride that he hope would become true someday. “Baby girl, I’m sorry,” He lifted your chin so you could make eye contact with him, “But after you were throwing that ass, your parents pulled me aside and started asking a bunch of questions about you and I.” At this moment in time Erik looked nervous and unsure of himself when he rubbed the back of his neck. “And, shit princess, I couldn’t lie to them. I wanted my intentions to be clear to them and I threw in my last name so your mama could stop pushing that wack ass Morris Chestnut wannabe up on you.”

With Erik’s declaration out in the open you couldn’t really be mad at him anymore. Rubbing at your temples, you said “I guess I understand. But you don’t understand that my mama is about to work my nerves even more this weekend.”

Erik got that devilish glint in his eye when he was up to no good and presented you with the blunt. You were automatically shaking your head no, because you didn’t smoke, and Erik knew that. “Erik, I can’t smoke that. I never smoke it right and I’ll be wasting the blunt.”

“Nah, its your birthday and I caused you some trouble at your party, so imma get you high,” Erik was practically pushing the blunt in your face. You jumped on the sink counter and took the blunt to your mouth so Erik could light it up. Your first couple of inhales had you coughing, but you finally got the hang of it and it was becoming smooth.

Sensing that you were comfortable with smoking, Erik was pushing the hem of your dress up and kneeling on the ground. “Boy what are you doing,” you questioned him with half hooded eyes.

Again Erik had that damn devilish glint, “Imma help you relax even further baby, so you won’t even be aggravated by your mama.” You just let out a sigh of content and was about to hit the blunt, when you felt Erik’s tongue on your pussy. First, he was making small, slow licks and began to pick up the pace until you felt an orgasm overcome you. “Please…please,” you begged.

“Please, what,” Erik mumbled.

“Please don’t stop,” you slurred out.

And when you didn’t think it was possible began flicking your clit even faster and inserted two curled fingers inside of you. It didn’t take long for you to gush all over Erik’s mouth and fingers. You were in a world of euphoria thanks to the blunt and Erik, that you ordered Erik, “Take your dick out.”

It took him a little while for the words to register in his brain, but once they did he was pulling down his pants and boxer briefs, “Shit, you ain’t gotta tell me twice.” Erik grabbed a condom and rolled it onto his hard length. Once, he was sheathed, you grabbed Erik by his dick and guided him inside of you. When he was completely inside, you both let out a sight of content, and then he began thrusting into with wild abandonment. You both knew this little fuck session couldn’t last long, because people at the party would notice you two were missing, so Erik made quick work and had you both cumming within two minutes.

After being thoroughly fucked by Erik, you two return to the party, him to the tables and you to the food to make y’all some plates. You just sat in Erik’s lap when you put his plate in front him when your eldest brother, Thomas, interrupted y’all from eating, “Damn, nigga! What the hell you do to my baby sister?”

Both you and Erik looked at each other confused. “What do you mean by that,” Erik questioned.

“Little miss thing over here,” Thomas said while pointing at you, “has said she will never make a man’s plate, because his arms and legs works just as well as hers and she be too damn hungry to make two plates.”

Erik looked at you adoringly while you just wanted to go under a rock and die. Thankfully, Casey slapped Thomas in the back his head, stating he needed to keep his damn mouth closed. Erik just gave you a small kiss on the cheek and a quiet thank you, and then y’all resumed eating without any more embarrassing moments for you.

It was about half hour later and it was time for you to open your presents. T’Challa, Shuri, Nakia, and Okoye designed your gift. T’Challa presented you with a long skinny box that was wrapped in onyx wrapping paper. You made quick work of the wrapping paper and opened the box, which revealed a sword, your preferred weapon.

“Its completely made of vibranium. I used training footage of your fighting technique and designed the sword to compliment you. Even if someone else got ahold of it, it wouldn’t be as deadly as it is with you. Its almost like Thor’s hammer,” Shuri explained.

“Whoa, that’s badass,” your twin nephews exclaimed in unison.

“Watch y’all mouths,” your mom reprimanded the boys while you gave a thanks to Shuri, Nakia, T’Challa, and Okyoe.

“Its our turn now,” Tony announced while he Pepper approach you. You watched your mom roll her eyes as Tony presented you with a manila envelope, not even trying to hold his disdain for him.

“Before you open that, I just want to tell you something Rhodey Jr.,” Tony held up his hands and stopped you from opening your gift. “I’m proud to say its been a pleasure from watching you grow up from that annoying little brat that Rhodey would bring here during the summers to a badass, intelligent young woman. And Pepper and I want to thank you for helping with everything, so you deserve this brat.”

You were on the verge of tears, but you knew Tony didn’t do crying so you just hugged him instead. “Whoa kid, you haven’t even open it yet,” Tony exclaimed as he patted you on your back. At that you went back to the envelope to discover a document. For a while you just sat there in silence as you read over the document a couple of times just to make sure your eyes weren’t deceiving you.

Getting tired of your silence, your Uncle Ray demanded, “Girl tell us what it says!”

Breaking out of your trance, you mumbled, “They gave me a 20% share of Stark Industries.” Instantly you went up to Tony and Pepper and pleaded with them to take it back, even with it just being 20% they just made you a billionaire. “Guys you can’t give this to me. This is too much. What about your future kids? They deserve this more than me. You gotta take it back,” you ranted.

“Y/N, no one deserves this more than you do. You work about as much as Tony and me on Stark Industries business, so 20% is nothing,” Pepper explained to you.

You knew that you wouldn’t win the argument, so you gave the couple another thank you and sat down for your final gift. Erik approached you and set down a gift bag in front of your face. “Happy birthday, princess.”

When you reached into the bag you pulled out three tickets, three Beyoncé concert tickets to be exact.

“Beyoncé?!?!?!?” you exclaimed.

“Yeah umm, I got ‘em for you and your sisters,” Erik responded shyly. “They’re meet and greets also. But I got the whole day plan for y’all: massages, mani and pedis, hair appointments, and a shopping spree.” Your jaw dropped more when Erik listed what he had planned for us that day. You couldn’t understand how someone so aggravating, annoying, and selfish could be so thoughtful and selfless at the same time.

“Do you need a wife, girlfriend, side ho, concubine or something? Because damn nigga, that’s one hell of a birthday present,” Casey blurted out, causing her husband to tell her to shut up and sit her ass down, and Jemilah to punch her in her shoulder.

Erik chuckled and waved his hand, “Na ma, I’m good. Besides I only got eyes for one Y/L/N,” Erik stated while looking you dead in the eyes. All the women at the table practically sighed in amazement at Erik’s confession. Pointing at the gift bag, Erik mentioned there was another present in the bag. This time you brought out a small velvet box and fear overcame you. You heard your mom whisper to your dad hoping it was a ring and you were hoping for the complete opposite. Noticing the apprehension on your face, Erik calmed you down, “Chill out, its not a ring. I’m not proposing yet.”

Your mama nudged your dad in his ribs, “You hear that Charles? He’s not proposing yet.” And your dad just responded with a grunt, still not giving his full approval yet. “I like you more and more with each passing moment young man,” your mom called out to Erik.

Relief overcame you and that’s when you opened the box, revealing a necklace with a black and gold jaguar pendant inscribed with a Wakandan text.

“Warrior princess,” Erik said pulling you out of your trance.

“Huh?”

“It says warrior princess. You can kick anybody’s ass, so you’re a warrior, and you’re my princess, so you’re a warrior princess,” Erik explained.

“Girl, if you don’t marry him, imma beat your ass personally and then take him for myself,” your Aunt Charlene blurted out.

You couldn’t help but laugh at your outspoken aunt’s words, but you also knew she would keep her promise, which made you briefly think of a future with Erik. Not wanting to dwell on those thoughts too long, you gave him a kiss, thank him for your gifts, and whispered in his ear that you would properly thank him in the bedroom later on that night, which resulted in him growling in your ear and rubbing on your ass in front of your whole family.

After you finished receiving the rest of your gifts, your Uncle James pulled you to the side. “Here, this came a couple of days ago and I didn’t want you to open in front of everyone,” James declared as he handed you a package.

You knew it couldn’t be a gift from your uncle, because he already gave you his earlier. Inside of the package was a sketchbook, which confused you because you couldn’t draw for shit, but once you open it you knew exactly who sent the book. It was from Steve. He sent you a book full of drawings of you with him, Sam, Nat, or Wanda. There was a picture of you struggling doing your hair during wash day and Sam just laughing at you, another one of you and Nat flat on your asses because y’all managed to take each other down at the same time, one of you having a heart attack while Wanda lifted you in the sky with her powers, and one of you and Steve watching tv during one of your many movie nights. As you made your way through the drawings, a note fell out:

Sorry kid, we couldn’t make your birthday. Sam’s a little sad that we can’t go to the strip club, that you made me promise I would go to on your birthday. However, I’m thankful. I still don’t think I’m quite ready for that. It sucks that we’re not there but trust me we’re doing fine, which brings me to my point. Although, its very much appreciated STOP SENDING MONEY. I don’t want you to get caught, that’s the whole reason we kept you out of the fight in the first place. Don’t worry we’ll see each other soon. Happy birthday, Y/N! Love, S.R.

P.S.- Sam speaking here, I’m not little mad, I’m BIG mad that we’re not at the strip club! Don’t listen to the big guy, keep sending that money. Do you know what type of motels we’ve been staying in? Its not good for my delicate skin. Just kidding, I guess, stay safe kid and happy birthday!

Before you knew it, tears were falling onto the note. “Thanks for giving this to me Uncle James,” you mumbled in between sniffles.

Pulling you into a hug, your Uncle responded, “No problem.” You were making your way out his embrace when he pulled you back, “One more thing. Be careful with that Killmonger.”

You were about to ask your uncle how did he know about Erik’s military codename, but you remembered that he was a colonel and had access to the most sensitive information. Hugging him tighter you told Uncle James, “I will.”

You went up to your room to put away your gifts and clean your face when you got a notification from your kimoyo beads. Suddenly, Bucky’s face appeared before and he immediately took in your red and puffy eyes, “What’s wrong, doll?”

You waved him off, “Nothing. Steve sent me a birthday present, so the waterworks came.”

“That punk. I’ll make sure to beat him up the next time I see him. How’s the party?”

“Its great! Tony and Pepper gave me a 20% share of the company, Shuri—” you absentmindedly went out your room, not thinking about anyone seeing you talking to Bucky, then BOOM, you ran into your sisters in the hallway.

“Bitch, is that the Winter Soldier!?!?” Casey all but screeched. You immediately pulled them inside your room, so no one could see or hear them. “Y/N he’s fine! So, this was the James you were talking about. What kind of conditioner he use, because his hair is on point,” Casey rambled.

“I gotta handle this Buck. Talk to you later?”

Bucky saw your problem and quickly reassured you, “Yeah no problem, doll. Happy birthday and talk to you later.”

“Doll???” Both of your sisters questioned playfully.

Frustrated that they caught you talking to an international fugitive, you asked your sisters, “What the hell y’all doing up here?”

“We were coming up to say goodbye to our baby sister. What the hell you doing talking to an international fugitive,” Jemilah threw right back.

It was Casey turned to speak, “Didn’t he kidnap your ass once and kill T’Challa’s daddy?”

“Yes, to the first question, but he was brainwashed and no to the second, someone used his face as a mask and framed him,” you informed your sisters. Giving them both your puppy dog eyes, you pleaded to them, “Promise y’all won’t say anything. Even to your husbands.”

Jemilah and Casey came and sat on the bed with you and each grabbed one of your hands. “Y/N you know we won’t. If you say he didn’t do those things, then he didn’t do it. We trust you. Now you better hope mama don’t find out he’s the reason you’re not with Erik, because she would flip her shit,” Casey confided in you. Thankful for your sisters you hugged them and returned downstairs to say goodbye to the rest of the guests.

When you returned back to your room, you found Erik without his shirt laying on the bed and scrolling through his phone. Deciding to skip a shower for now you got out of your outfit, just leaving you with your bra and panties on and joined Erik on the bed. “You know, you didn’t have to give me all those presents for my birthday. I would’ve been fine with one or the other,” you whispered to Erik.

“No, baby girl. You deserve that and so much more. I just wanna show you how much I appreciate you.”

“Honestly E, I don’t know what I did to deserve this,” you said as you traced his scars.

“Are you for real,” Erik asked incredulously as he rolled your body underneath him. “Princess, you saved my life up on that mountain. I owe you my life.”

The battle was getting tiring and you didn’t know if it would ever end, even with the help of the Jabri tribe. One second, you’re knocking out one member of the Border tribe, and then the next you see all of the Border tribe on their knees surrendering to the Dora. And what a sight to see, all of those men kneeling before women. However, you didn’t get to enjoy it for too long, as T’Challa called you over the comms. “Y/N, I need you to meet me on the mountain. Erik’s hurt.”

Dropping everything you had and running towards the mountain, you replied, “I’m on my way.” On your way towards the cousins you thought about how your stay in Wakanda wasn’t suppose to be about fighting a war against your ex-fling. When you came here it was for keeping an eye out onBucky and not wanting to return to America after the way Tony and Steve fell out because of the Accords, but here you are running towards a man, who you had a brief fling but intense connection with, who was also dead set on killing his cousin, because of the sins of his father.

“Bury me in the ocean, with my ancestors that jumped from the ships, because they knew death was better than bondage,” you heard Erik declare. You made it up to the panther mountain just in the nick of time, because Erik was pulling out the spear, but thankfully you stop him. “What the hell are you doing, Y/N,” Erik grunted.

“Saving your dumbass. What do you think?”

Erik chuckled and even near death’s door he was beautiful, “I see you still got jokes. I hope you know I ain’t getting lock’d up, so let go princess.”

“No.”

“No?” Erik echoed.

“Did I stutter nigga? No.”

T’Challa interrupted yours and Erik’s banter, “Y/N, I said help him, not antagonize him.”

Turning towards the rightful king, “Chill, I got this,” you assured him. Turning your attention to the would-be usurper, you instructed Erik, “You’re not dying today, I won’t let you.”  “All the shit you’ve done was payback for you and your dad, right,” you questioned.

At that Erik just shook his head, so you continued on. “But didn’t he just want you to come to Wakanda and experience its wonders?” Again there was another head nod from Erik. “So, why would you want to die? Yeah, you might have to spend a little bit of time locked up, but it won’t be forever. Your cousin understands your pain. You were abandoned as a child with no one in your corner, let T be in your corner now. Let Shuri be in your corner, let Queen Ramonda be in your corner, let me be in your corner!”

By now, both you and Erik had tears falling down. It was a rare moment where both of you were vulnerable and both of you were crying for the boy in Oakland who lost his innocence. You were confident enough that Erik wouldn’t remove the spear, so you let it go and cupped his face instead. “What King T’Chaka did to your father was wrong, but T’Challa is not his father, just like you’re not N’Jobu. He’s T’Challa and you’re N’Jadka, y’all can be better than your fathers ever were.”

“Ok, princess, you got me. Besides I still need to take your country bumpkin ass to Oakland,” Erik joked with you.

“Thank Bas,” T’Challa murmured off to the side.

“Nigga, how many times I gotta tell you I’m from Houston and that’s a major city, not some podunk ass town. Anyways you can’t convince me Cali is better than Texas. Y’all may have Tupac but we got Beyonce and Whataburger is better than In-n-Out,” you argued back with Erik, grateful that he decided to live.

“Whatever, I’ll prove you wrong. But are either one of you niggas gon help me or y’all just gon talk me to death,” Erik questioned. Both you and T’Challa shared a look before y’all rolled your eyes at Erik’s antics and helped him up. You both knew keeping Erik alive was the right thing to do, but you also knew he would sometimes make you regret the decision.

“E, babe, I just talked to you, you responded back as you absentmindedly traced his scars.

“Well, that talk convinced me to live. Now thanks to you, I have a family, I have a home, I have a noble purpose, I get to watch those Wakandan sunsets my dad always talked about. Baby girl, I owe you everything. I’ll be with you always, even if you decide to get with tin man, even though it would be a mistake, because I’m the better choice.” You playfully slapped Erik across his chest, which he thought was an invitation for play fighting.

A couple of minutes later, you ended up on your back again, and one of Erik’s legs in between yours. He cupped your chin, “I’m serious princess. I’ll never stop being thankful,” Erik confessed. For a while the pair of you stared in each other’s eyes until you reached up to kiss him. Then, Erik made quick work of getting rid of his and yours remaining clothes. Once you were both naked, he entered inside of you and for the first time ever, you and Erik made love and not fuck. While he was giving you slow deep strokes, and whispering sweet nothings and praising you in your ear, you fully admitted to yourself that you were falling in love with Erik and being Y/N Udaku-Stevens wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

TAGLIST: @blacknthemix @cosmicmelaninflower @blackdepressoexpresso @meishaabae @pastelastronomy24 @blackreaders-assemble @sonofnjobu @canumoveurseatup-no @chaneajoyyy @purple-apricots @black-mcu-imagines @thelateliterary @marvelmaree @princessstevens

[wolfypuppypiles]

Bad days aren’t so bad when you have a super dad

(AN: I was having a bad day at work the other day, basically, I was just overtired and overworked and the only thing that made me feel better was 1. eating my dry cereal on my break yum yum 2. changing the playlist for the entire cinema to disney cause fuck everyone else its my fav and they can eat my ass 3. writing this so here we go!

I live vicariously through my boy, you know, the usual.)

“Godammit, Friday would you kill the thrusters a bit? I’d like to keep my fingers for a little while longer.”

The AI did as she was asked and Tony squinted as he started tinkering again, only for the AI’s voice to interrupt. 

“Sir, Peter has just arrived and it seems he’s in a bit of a mood. As Happy puts it-” Her voice was replaced by the grumpy oxymoron himself. 

“I don’t know what the hell is wrong with him but if that little shit gives me that kind of attitude again I’ll let him swing himself home. You deal with him.”

Tony rolled his eyes at his friend's lack of patience and Peter wrangling and dropped his tools on his desk. “Send him to the living room.”

“ETA two minutes.”

Tony sighed and wiped his hands down before making his way up to the kid's bedroom to pick something up before heading to the living room and adjoining kitchen, entering the same moment Peter did from the opposite end. 

“I don’t think I can keep going to classes, Mr Stark. I really don’t.” The kid usually said hello before he launched into his excited rambles but he was in a bad mood and comfortable enough in the compound to forgo the formality. 

He dumped his bag by the couch before flopping down onto it and Tony swiped down at his phone, changing the buildings playlist to Peters favourite mix of rap and old school rock. 

The first time Peter had come to Tony upset, he’d been crying and it had taken him two hours to calm the kid down. He’d gotten it down to a fine art by now. 

He didn’t offer many words as Peter ranted, knowing it was best to let him talk himself out before offering advice. 

“Uh uh.” He threw the kid his oldest, comfiest pair of sweats he'd grabbed from his room, not bothering to look as he threw them and walked into the kitchen. 

“It’s not even like I need to go. I know everything they’re teaching me and they still think I’m stupid! Mr Taylor hates me and I mean HATES me. It’s not my fault he got the equation wrong. I just pointed it out.”

He could hear Peter tearing off his school clothes to put his sweats on and kept his back turned as he grabbed a jar of giant cookies from the counter, pushing the hot chocolate button on the coffee machine on the way back. 

Peter was pulling his hoodie down over his chest and shaking out his curls when Tony got back to him, mouth moving a mile a minute and face red from his word vomit. Tony handed him a cookie and pushed his shoulder to get him to sit down, putting the jar on the table in front of him. 

“Mr Taylor sounds like an idiot.”

Peter laughed and waved his cookie around, socked feet kicking against the carpet as Tony curled up his nose and picked up the teenagers clothes from the floor. “Right? He's the worst!”

Tony wasn’t one for cleaning up after himself let alone someone else and threw the clothes behind him just to get them out of the way as he went to grab Peters hot chocolate. 

Peter was still talking and Tony raised a barely interested eyebrow at Peters new turn in his story. 

“And of course she took his side which isn’t fair! She didn’t even hear what he said! But I got detention just because I was the one without a hall pass. Whatever. Maybe, I’ll just quit and be Spider-Man full time. At least I don’t get that crap when I’m patrolling.”

Tony grabbed the hot chocolate and some extra marshmallows, making sure to only grab the pink ones that Peter liked before going back to sit with the kid. 

Peter had eaten his cookie already, hand rubbing restlessly through his hair as he reached for another. He looked worn out and sad now that his anger was dissipating and he sighed as Tony took a seat beside him. 

“Sorry. I don’t mean to dump this all on you. You have better things to do than listen to my boring school stuff.”

The Avenger handed the hot chocolate over and levelled his gaze at the kid. Tony may have perfected the air of boredom in any and all situations but that didn’t mean he wasn’t listening or that he didn’t care.

“First of all, your stories about school aren’t boring. It’s like a telenovela on tape and I will always listen to whatever new shenanigan you’ve gotten yourself into. Secondly, Peter, you find school boring because you’re a genius and you’re right; you’re too smart to be there. But high school isn’t just about exams and papers, it's about being a kid with your friends. So, you’re going to stay in school and savour the moments you have with Ted and DJ-”

Peter’s mouth quirked up a little at the sides as he corrected quietly. “Ned and MJ but whatever.”

“-Because this is the last time you’ll have adults organising everything for you and you’re going to miss that when you go off to college. You’re also right about Mr Taylor. He sounds like he doesn’t know the difference between astatine and selenium.”

Peter huffed out a laugh at that, expression brightening as Tony continued. 

“And look, Flash is an ass for sure and he never should have said that to you but just remember that he’s a highschooler whose biggest concern is whether or not he’s getting asked to prom.” He took the kids shoulder and shook him a little, making Peter smile. 

“You’re Spider-Man. You’re an Avenger. You’re way above that snot-nosed shit-”

Peter’s eyebrows shot up at that, laughing and Tony laughed too, shaking his head. “Don’t repeat that. Listen. You can handle anything. And whatever you can’t...you let us handle, okay? May and I are always gonna be here when you need us. Even if it just boring high school stuff.”

Peter blinked at him, eyes finally bright and happy again, all the darkness and temper gone. 

He nodded and sighed, relieved and he leaned into Tony’s side, blushing just a tiny bit. “Thanks, Mr Stark.” 

Peter smirked, teasing in his voice as he joked his way through Tony’s quietly humming anxiety about being so open with his feelings. “I didn’t know you were so soft. You’re supposed to be Iron-Man, right?”

Tony laughed and shoved the boy's shoulder before grabbing him again and pulling him into a side hug. 

“Yeah, whatever Underoos. You just keep acting like you’re a grown-up and you’ll get there someday.”

Peter snickered as Tony put on an exaggerated, high pitched voice, hugging the teenager as he kissed his cheek noisily. 

“My littleee boyyyy!” 

Peter pushed him off, full-on belly laughing, all traces of his bad mood dissipated in the wake of Tony’s terrible impression of May. 

“Stop!”

Tony let go but ruffled his hair, and Peters eyes found him again, gaze deeper than it had any right to be with a smile that bright. “Thanks for always taking care of me.”

Tony looked away, feigning a lack of interest to keep from thinking about his father or the fact that he sort of felt like Peters. “Don’t mention it, squirt.”

Peter leaned back into the couch and put his feet up on the coffee table, head nodding along to the song playing softly overhead. “I always feel better after talking to you. Man, I love this song.”

Tony smiled. His arc reactor heart had been stretched and pulled so that Peter could fit inside and he didn’t mind it one bit. “I know.”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20008729

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13348805/1/

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[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 22/05/2021 (Olivia Rodrigo, J. Cole’s ‘The Off-Season’, Nicki Minaj)

Yeah, it’s a big week, given the impact of J. Cole, Jorja Smith, Olivia Rodrigo (more on that next week) and the remaining impact of the BRIT Awards. There’s a lot of nonsense on this chart, a busy as hell one at that, but this surprisingly did not affect the #1, as the remix to “Body” by Russ Millions and Tion Wayne spends a third week at the top. Let’s just attack this head on. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

First of all, let’s get this nonsense out of the way: what happened to songs already on the UK Top 75 chart, which is what I cover? Well, a fair few of them dropped out. Any song that spent five or more weeks in the chart or peaked in the top 40 is considered a notable drop-out, and this week, they include “Wants and Needs” by Drake featuring Lil Baby off of the return last week, “Track Star” by Mooski, “Heat” by Paul Woolford and Amber Mark, “6 for 6” by Central Cee, “Patience” by KSI featuring YUNGBLUD and Polo G, “Hold On” by Justin Bieber, “We’re Good” by Dua Lipa, “Commitment Issues” by Central Cee (Gosh, didn’t think J. Cole would take a chunk out of this guy’s audience specifically), “Up” by Cardi B, “Streets” by Doja Cat and finally, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd, but also interestingly “i n t e r l u d e” by J. Cole dropping out off of the top 40 debut despite the album boost. This doesn’t mean it didn’t perform well but rather this is demonstrating this silly chart rule where in the top 100, one artist can only have three songs, preventing album bombs that you see on the US Billboard Hot 100. It makes the chart less accurate but arguably more diverse and hence fun for me to talk about.

There are also a few returning entries to add some fuel to this chart fire, one that has already combusted in the US this week, as “Slumber Party” by Ashnikko featuring Princess Nokia is back at #70 thanks to the video, “All You Ever Wanted” by Rag’n’Bone Man is back at #51 thanks to a delayed album boost, and the same can be said for “Addicted” by Jorja Smith at #49.

Then we have our notable losses, songs that fell at least five spots down the chart this week, including “WITHOUT YOU” by the Kid LAROI at #18, “Higher Power” by Coldplay falling big off of the debut at #25, “Your Power” by Billie Eilish at #26, “Didn’t Know” by Tom Zanetti at #28, “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals at #30, “Leave the Door Open” by Silk Sonic at #31, “Don’t You Worry About Me” by Bad Boy Chiller Crew at #39, “Latest Trends” by A1 x J1 at #46, “Last Time” by Becky Hill at #52, “All I Know So Far” by P!nk at #55 off of the debut, “My Head & My Heart” by Ava Max at #57, “Martin & Gina” by Polo G at #58, “Miss the Rage” by Trippie Redd featuring Playboi Carti dropping hard off of the debut at #60 (Really, what was expected here?), Travis Scott’s remix of HVME’s remix of Travis Scott’s “Goosebumps” at #61, “Cover Me in Sunshine” by P!nk and Willow Sage Heart at #63, “Don’t Play” by Anne-Marie, KSI and Digital Farm Animals at #65, “Sunshine (The Light)” by Fat Joe, DJ Khaled and Amorphous at #66, “Tonight” by Ghost Killer Track featuring D-Block Europe and Oboy at #71, and finally, “Calling My Phone” by Lil Tjay and 6LACK at #73.

That’s not to say there weren’t any notable gains however as we do have some interesting remnants of BRITs excitement and some other reasons for our gains this week, which include “One Day” by Lovejoy (more on them later) at #54, “It’s a sin” by Elton John and Years & Years at #47, “Way Too Long” by Nathan Dawe, Anne-Marie and MoStack at #43, “drivers license” by Olivia Rodrigo at #35 off of the success of “good 4 u” (again, more on that later), “Black Hole” by Griff at #23 thanks to the BRITs, and finally, “deja vu” by Olivia Rodrigo at #11. Really, all of this is just me stalling because this is a massive week – I’m writing this early – let’s just get through this... starting with—oh, for God’s sake.

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 – “Taunt” – Lovejoy

Produced by Cameron Nesbitt

Two weeks in a row, ladies and gentlemen: Minecraft YouTuber-core. How this happens I have no idea but regardless, the people of the UK seem to enjoy this Wilbur Soot guy’s new band. Is the new single better than the last one that charted from this EP, at least? Well, yeah, it is, mostly because at least this one’s an actual pop rock tune that, whilst derivative again, has more hooks than “One Day”, especially those stop-and-start-again verses that give me mathcore flashbacks, just with less of a catharsis to come from it other than that infectious, trumpet-laden chorus. The content is pretty gross if anything, seemingly focusing in on this past relationship from secondary school in which Wilbur tears into a girl for being insecure despite her privileges... for seemingly no reason. I mean, surely, you’ve moved on, right? Thankfully, Wilbur does get his comeuppance by the end of the song as the girl throws his drink at him, but it does leave the rest of the song with a pretty spiteful taste in my mouth that can’t be avoided by some pretty, 2000s indie rock-esque instrumentals. It doesn’t help that Wilbur Soot is such a non-presence as well, which I can see improving as the band goes on to record more material but the problem is with this early stage is that for now, it’s all rather primitive... yet it’s still charting. Oh, and if any people happen to find this that are fans of this guy, I am terrified of you so I’ll clarify that I don’t dislike this band at all, I’m just not a fan of what I’ve heard. I just wanted to put that out there because I value my personal information.

#74 – “Crocodile Teeth” – Skillibeng

Produced by Adde Instrumentals and Johnny Wonder

So last week, Nicki Minaj re-released her classic 2009 mixtape Beam Me Up Scotty onto official streaming services for the first time, with a remastered mix of some of her classic remixes as well as some new tracks or fan-favourite loosies sprinkled in. Why do I say this in reference to some random unrelated track, you ask? Well, we’ll get back to Nicki later but this song was actually remixed by Nicki and appears on that mixtape, despite baring no resemblance or relation to that mixtape at all, given this was released in 2020. The UK Singles Chart is particularly inconsistent is crediting remixes however, so we have the original here and, for what it’s worth, I quite like this. Skillibeng isn’t the most interesting presence but does his job in being vaguely menacing and violent over this cheap piano-led Afroswing instrumental with some questionable bass mastering. The song is in Patois but you can get the gist that it’s gunplay and flexing, typically stuff you’d hear in any UK drill track and it’s generic for sure but catchy enough to ignore. This version of the song is completely passable but I do think it is elevated by Nicki’s short introductory verse on the remix. I’d obviously have preferred there be more interplay but the remix was probably only known to Skillibeng when Nicki’s lawyers reached out anyway.

#72 – “Straightenin” – Migos

Produced by DJ Durel, Atake, Sluzyyy, OSIRIS, Nuki and Slime Castro

So Migos are finally preparing to release their highly-anticipated record Culture III as the boys are back together after some time apart, in which they have had varying levels of success, with Offset probably delivering the best solo material because he has both the best qualities of Takeoff and Quavo and always delivers on guest verses... I’m sorry, what about this needed six producers? This beat is not bad by any stretch with some vague flute loop eerily played under a rote trap beat, of which the bounced 808s are probably of most interest, but I do not understand how one person, let alone just an AI, couldn’t have made this alone. Regardless, the beat is good enough to make Quavo sound like he finally cares, even if he’s just going to talk about how he just saw Tenet – a bit late to the party – and how he turned a pandemic to a “band-emic”. Yeah, okay, so we’re going to ignore Mr. Quavious and move onto Takeoff and Offset who... at least have some good flows, albeit just the same triplet deliveries they’ve had for years. I think the most interesting part about this whole song is the slippery backing vocal that follows Quavo in the later choruses, which shows an attention to detail I missed from these guys. There’s only so much I can hear Quavo say “don’t nothin’ get straight ‘bout straightenin’” before I lose my mind, though, especially by the time we get to that awkward outro, so I can’t call myself a fan of this. If we’re speaking trap-rap from acts on hiatus, I really would have preferred “Lay wit Ya” by Isaiah Rashad and Duke Deuce to chart but I guess these guys will do.

#64 – “Independence Day Freestyle” – Fredo

Produced by Handz

By the end of this episode, I will never want to hear skittering hi-hats ever again. For now, however, we’ve got the same genre, different country as we go home to Fredo, a British rapper who’s pretty consistently good to be fair to him and did release an album I liked earlier this year. This is just a random freestyle he dropped last week because he felt like it, and here it is on the chart. Okay, well, it isn’t an actual freestyle because nothing that’s called a freestyle actually is in 2021, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a trap banger in itself and it’s got the foundation for it. I love the eerie chipmunk vocal sample that adds a touch of soul to the menacing keys before they get drowned out by trap percussion and Fredo going through his typical rags-to-riches commentary and memories of gang violence in one massive verse that somehow keeps my interest throughout the entire three minutes. The flow is about as smooth as it gets with UK rap, typically a lot stiffer, especially in drill, and the mixing’s fine, so yeah, I can’t really complain. I’d have preferred a chorus, obviously, and there are extended freestyles we’ll talk about later that do this a lot better, but for now, I can dig this, especially considering it’s pretty damn quotable for what it is. “If I fell off, I must have fell off the stairs into some elevators” is a bar, as is when he says he’s got more foreign cars than an Asian wedding or when he calls himself “Lord of the Bling”... okay, maybe that one’s not as impressive.

#62 – “The Great Escape” – Blanco and Central Cee

Produced by LiTek and WhyJay

Central Cee is a more familiar name but you may not know Blanco who, despite the collaboration with Cee making it ripe for comparison and comedy, is not a French white rapper. Rather, he’s from pioneering drill group Harlem Spartans and this is actually his first solo charting song thanks to Cee’s appearance. As you’d expect, this has some loud drill production and vague acoustic guitar loop as well as some stuttering vocal production peppered with dark 808s (that do bang here in all honesty) and pointless alarm sounds. Whilst drill is so standardised now, I do actually like this beat because it’s what I want to hear Cee on; sure, it’s got the guitar and the flutes but it’s also got a sax riff, which is what made “Loading” so fun. Blanco himself is also a more charming presence than Cee and their two energies bounce off of each other pretty well, even if the most witty their punchlines get are just referencing Powerpuff Girls characters... and when they’re not basic, they’re borderline incoherent but whatever, this is a fun slice of misogyny and violence that you’d expect from the genre with at least some care put into it. Not bad at all.

#56 – “Bussdown” – Jorja Smith featuring Shaybo

Produced by Riccardo Damian, Jeff “Gitty” Gitelman and Kal Banx

This is the break-out single from the most recent “project” from Jorja Smith, going the Drake route of not bothering to name it an album, mixtape or EP, and this one features London rapper Shaybo in a track about materialism but not as much embracing it as becoming increasingly alienated by it as whilst wealth may bring you luxury and connections, it detaches you from reality, which is the point in Shaybo’s verses about being Miss Naive, someone who is increasingly aggressive as a result because, well, she always gets what she wants, right? This is not a project I listened to but the content is promising... until I actually hear the song, with its awkward, clattering percussion showered in overwhelming vocal mixing that fails in whatever intimacy it attempts to present, and that’s before the decidedly unsubtle air horns and guitar licks. The song is minimal enough for the content to kind of fall flat as well, as a song like this feels like it deserves more than a slick bass groove, rather some kind of maximalist yet subtlety eerie production. I’m thinking Shaybo would actually make more sense there than she would here as well as her awkward, pathetic-sounding flow is delivered in the most dead-pan cadence, so much so that it drifts off fully into background “vibe” music but even then, it feels too distracting in the mix to work as that. I did want to like this but it just ends up as a really disappointing track from Jorja Smith, once again.

#42 – “Seeing Green” – Nicki Minaj, Drake and Lil Wayne

Produced by GOVI and Kid Masterpiece

We’re half-way through our batch of new arrivals and what better way to celebrate than a posse cut by three rappers long past their prime by now without a chorus that pushes six minutes? Normally, that would be sarcastic, but in this case it is absolutely not as this is awesome. I love 2000s hip-hop and a chipmunk soul-inflected beat blended with early 2010s era proto-trap production is obviously going to appeal to me as that type of contrast is what I love about more lyrical hip-hop, hell, I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was said this was a Kanye beat or more accurately perhaps one by Harry Fraud. It helps that over that gorgeous soul sample we have all three rappers proving they still have it as performers, with some detailed verses from the classic Young Money crew that if nothing else provide a perfect nostalgia button for their era of dominance in hip-hop, not that it’s ever stopped since. I also just love hearing Lil Wayne hungry again, because I am a pretty big fan of his voice, delivery and even some of his wordplay and one-liners, all of which he expresses perfectly in his high-energy verse that switches through flaws as if it were all some off-the-top freestyle, and knowing Wayne, it might as well could have been. I love how he starts his verse off by shooting a guy and then saying it was his bad for doing it because he was a “good cat” and somehow it gets more off the rails afterwards, as he calls his girl a vacuum and says he’s peeing lean, before this self-proclaimed “badonkadonk bikini fiend” reminisces about his bisexual ex from Atlanta in a pretty clever use of repetition in rap. This is all with his sludged drawl of a delivery, which becomes especially important when he calls us all back to 2010 as when Wayne was in prison at his career peak, Drake always said “Free Weezy” and now 10 years later, Wayne’s saying “Free Drizzy” because Drake’s locked up in Canada because of the COVID-19 pandemic... because of course. I know it just seems like I’m itching out tiny little details in the verse but that’s what’s so great about repeated listens to detailed and great rap verses. That’s not to say Wayne is the only stand-out here either as Nicki Minaj impresses with that confident delivery she’s known for as she clarifies her beef with Cardi B being less about her “copying her homework” as it was about her up-hill battle with the industry, she recites how bitches are infamously her sons and delivers some pretty clever and quotable lines of her own, like “brand new Vanilla Maserati, I’ve been Haagen-Daszin’”... which again sounds like a bar straight out of 2010. I think the best verse here might actually be from Drake as much as I hate to say it, with bravado out of the gate that seems pretty deserved for someone with as immense success as he’s had. Not only is he referencing back to 2010 and even his Degrassi days, comparing it to the run-up to his upcoming album since he’s back on two crutches, but he’s also delivering some of his most interesting and quotable lines in years, and it all runs off so effortlessly and smoothly, but with a constant hunger and conviction reminding me of some of his deeper cuts like “Dreams Money Can Buy”. I won’t go further than I already have with this song – even though I could gladly quote practically the entirety of Drake’s verse, even when he aspires to be Vladimir Putin (I guess it’s better than accidentally comparing himself to Hitler) – but I’ve rambled on enough about this wonderful track. Triumphant lyrical rapping over soulful vocal loops will never be a thing I stop having a fondness for; these are some of my nostalgia biases creeping in – especially since these aren’t close to being the best verses any of the trio have delivered – but it’s so great hearing all three back on form together. Check this out if you haven’t as it’s absolutely a highlight off of the mixtape’s re-release.

#37 – “Build a Bitch” – Bella Poarch

Produced by Sub Urban and Elle Rizk

Bella Poarch is a name I had to search up and it turns out she is another one of these TikTok stars turned pop singers and all power to them for starting their career through such a useful and culturally important platform, honestly, and realistically, anyone regardless of their career background could make a song I enjoy, so there’s no use in dismissing them as a result, especially if I actually enjoy the concept of this song. The writing tends to be a bit childish as expected – again, more on that later – particularly when she sings lines like “Bob the Builder broke my heart and told me it needs fixing”, but the song’s theme of embracing young women for how they really are instead of Photoshopped, unrealistic beauty expectations is a message I like being expressed to her audience of teenage girls; I see it as necessary in the social media age. I do think that this message could be expressed with more tact than a Build-a-Bear parody but it never goes the slut-shaming route and is more critical of the men demanding or expecting perfection from their female partners, or on a wider scale the expectation for successful women to follow fashion and beauty trends, especially by men in their industries and fields. Poarch herself is a light-hearted vocalist kind of reminding me a bit too much of a self-serious Ashnikko but the melody in the chorus is infectious enough for me to ignore how void a personality she is. It’s harder however to ignore the stiff 808s that drown out clattering, awkward future-bass production and that drop just being really gross, kind of ruining the song in how it’s clearly a lean towards hyper-pop without fully drawing itself within that lane. Either way, this is fine, and at barely two minutes it struggles to find itself as a finished song let alone anything I can be offended by. This is remarkably okay, and that’s more than I expected.

#16 – “a m a r i” – J. Cole

Produced by T-Minus, J. Cole, Sucuki and Timbaland

These songs don’t even show up when you search them on Spotify and to be honest, I was hoping that would lead to limited success but of course, it didn’t. J. Cole’s latest album The Off-Season is yet another mediocre instalment in a dull catalogue full of rambling verses from a guy who thinks he has much more to say than he actually ends up saying, and it’s exhausting to listen let alone discuss the man’s art out of a sheer lack of personality or wit that follows his every move. His Dreamville label is filled to the brim with people more consistent, skilful and interesting than Cole has ever been so it’s just frustrating to see the label boss get all of the recognition. Regardless, I’ve never liked Cole as an artist – especially not a conscious one given the ableism, homophobia and tone-deaf exchange with Noname just last year – so I’m almost glad he’s stripped off half of the pretence of making a woke, important album. He’s just rapping on this record, which gives me the excuse to run through the rest of these consecutive bores from Cole as quickly as possible. First of all, we have “a m a r i”, a barely sufferable dud from the album scored by a blend of acoustic guitars and squelching trap percussion that fails to platform Cole’s Auto-Tuned moaning, oftentimes just aggravating and barely listenable, and sometimes disguising some pretty weak, topic-less verses for a man who claims to be focused. “Want smoke? I’m a whole nicotine company”  is not the silliest bar on the album, but I’m almost convinced the song ends as abruptly as it does because Timbaland’s embarrassed that he helped produce such an underwhelming beat and not even someone praised as a modern great can save it from being worthless.

#15 – “p r i d e . i s . t h e . d e v i l” – J. Cole and Lil Baby

Produced by T-Minus

One of my favourite hip-hop releases of last year was Aminé’s Limbo, a diverse selection of tracks that ranged from conscious hip-hop about his ambitions and fears about growing up and raising children in a modern world as well as typical trap-rap flexing and R&B crooners about girl problems. All of this is smoothly stirred into a pot of personality that actually attempts to bridge a gap between older and newer generations of rappers rather than just claiming to. “Can’t Decide” is not one of my favourite tracks from that record – “Compensating” with Young Thug executes its ideas just that little bit better for me – but it’s still a fun, R&B-adjacent tune with insanely catchy hooks about Aminé’s relationships. So why did we need a J. Cole remix? This guy sucks the fun out of beats like a vacuum in a bouncy castle, as he sloppily whines in an almost emo-rap cadence over a cheaper West Coast slide he just can’t convincingly sell. Lyrically, Cole focuses on the idea of pride and how it corrupts someone’s morals, criticising the flashing of money and social isolation from the family... both of which seem like Cole’s M.O. at this point, right? Success amidst independence? Platinum without features? This time around, there is a feature however from Lil Baby, who much like Cole claims to be focused in this very focused whilst pick-and-choosing between random trains of thought in his typical frog-throat delivery. Hey, at least Lil Baby flows with less strain and unwarranted, desperate effort that Cole does, and ends up out-shining the primary artist entirely, even if he’s going to “pay silly bands to have sex on the jet”. ..What?

#13 – “m y . l i f e” – J. Cole, 21 Savage and Morray

Produced by WU10, J. Cole and Jake One

The first lines of this song are “Spiralling up just like a rich person’s staircase; no fly zone, please stay out of my airspace”. Cole, I thought pride was the devil! I understand that one can still acknowledge the flaws in their worldview whilst embracing it and engaging themselves in it – that’s really a lot of the point of rags-to-riches rap – but some subtlety or at least some explanation from someone who wants you to see him as focused, woke, hungry and a master of his craft, would have been nice, right? This is Morray’s first charting hit in the UK and I’m glad he’s here as he’s basically what differentiates this from the duo’s prior collaboration “a lot”, a song that not only banged harder but felt smoother and Hell, just more coherent, especially with some soulful production that this new collaboration glaringly rips off. Morray’s biggest hit is “Quicksand” but his mixtape Street Sermons is full of soulful and honest trap-rap that I’d absolutely recommend for gospel flavour on the surface and the lyrical detail behind the bravado being extensive and confidently delivered, especially standing out on his own with no features to speak of. He has the chorus on here and I’m surprised DaBaby doesn’t have the second verse so this could be a North Carolina anthem but we do have 21 Savage, who delivers his typical brand of cold-hearted (or rather no-hearted), stoic paranoia bars but at least that’s a personality. 21 Savage delivers a slick flow over this sample and spits the pretty simple yet profound bar of “I pray that my past ain’t ahead of me”, leading to probably the most enjoyable verse on the whole album. If you couldn’t tell, the new guys outshine the old guard so obviously with so little effort it’s kind of impressive on Cole’s part even. I’m glad this is the biggest hit from this album so far as not only is this one of the best tracks out of a slim selection but it’s big for both 21 and especially Morray, who I’m really rooting for against, say, a Rod Wave or Kevin Gates in terms of southern rap with a lot more soul and grit. Oh, and Cole, “know it’s on sight when I see you like I’m working at Squarespace”? Really? Again, it’s not the dumbest bar on the album.

#2 – “good 4 u” – Olivia Rodrigo

Produced by Alexander 23 and Dan Nigro

It’s pretty fitting to book-end a batch of new arrivals mostly consisting of hardcore gritty trap with two up-beat alternative rock tracks, and I’ll say I prefer this to Lovejoy mostly because, well, like I said with “Seeing Green”, my biases will always be on full and honest display, and as someone who’s a sucker for pop-punk of all eras, especially if it’s a female-fronted band with some youthful, raspy vocals, this will obviously hit for me. Throughout Sour, I found it hard to buy into the teenage melodrama due to Dan Nigro’s production often sounding too clean for its own sake, never allowing the guitars to really crash into some lo-fi, distorted noise like they seem to want to do on tracks like this, “deja vu” and especially the opener, “traitor”. Sadly, that cuts the chances of radio airplay by a ton more than it should, so we end up with mixing that slides off Rodrigo’s reverb-drenched vocals too smoothly, creating a rather formulaic album, unfortunate for its sheer excess of promise. With that said, this is one of my favourite tracks off of the album, if only for that funky bassline and some of Nigro’s most interesting stylistic and production choices, particularly in the drumming, which sounds as organic as possible for something that was programmed by him and Alexander 23. The sarcasm-laced post-break-up kiss-off is already not unfamiliar territory for Olivia Rodrigo and neither was it for Avril Lavigne, which this track tends to sound almost like an imitation of, down to the inconsistently PG-13 image as “screw you” is delivered with as much conviction as the actual F-bomb in the same verse. Regardless of how much it wants to consistently kill its own momentum, this janky songwriting actually reminds me of early Paramore, much of which holds a special place in my heart, so whilst Hayley Williams has been off doing her solo work – and Paramore seem to have moved on from this kind of bitter, petty pop rock anyway – this quenches that thirst pretty effectively.

Conclusion

Olivia Rodrigo bags the Honourable Mention for “good 4 u” as well as it’s one of two songs debuting this week I think are pretty damn special, the other one being “Seeing Green” by Nicki Minaj, Lil Wayne and Drake as it grabs Best of the Week. For the worst, I mean, pick your J. Cole-flavoured poison but personally I’d say “a m a r i” can be crowned Worst of the Week with a Dishonourable Mention to... great, I don’t want to seem like I hate J. Cole but nothing else here is even as bad as his Lil Baby collaboration “p r i d e . i s . t h e . d e v i l”. Here’s this week’s top 10:

Expect two more of those spaces filled up by Olivia Rodrigo next week as whilst we may not get any new entries from her the album will have an impact regardless on the chart. Otherwise, I guess we’ll have to wait and see with how a Queen-sampling BTS song wrecks the chart – probably will give both Olivia and “Body” some #1 competition – as well as new songs from Little Mix, Lana Del Rey, Polo G and Lil Nas X popping up not too far behind it. It should be just as busy next week, folks, so strap in, I suppose. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you then!

[mischiefandspirits]

Tutoring

Tony had just wanted to be sure his son protégé wasn't getting in over his head. He hadn't expected to find this!

“Tony.”

“And how did this even happen! Happy, you’re supposed to be watching the kid!”

“Hey, I told the kid to stay away when he first ran into Deadpool. He never brought him up again so I figured he’d actually listened for once.”

“The kid never listens!”

“Are we still just going along with the kid not being Tony’s?”

“Rhodey!”

“Just saying, Pepper.”

“He’s a teenager. He’s probably just going through a rebellious phase. It will pass.”

“Didn’t for Tony.”

“Thank you, peanut gallery.”

“Don’t push him, Tony.”

“Yes, dear.”

“I’m ser-”

“Kids are getting out.”

“Time to go!”

“Tony!”

“Love you!”

“Like father, like son.”

“Goodbye!”

Tony ended the call then turned to look out the window as MSST’s academic decathlon team wondered out of the doors. The first four were… unremarkable. Smart, sure, but not worth Tony remembering their names.

Next, Eugene "Flash" Thompson came strutting out with a swagger Tony recognized from his own early days. Flash was high on MSST’s hierarchy, both intellectual and social. He’s the son of a surgeon and DJ’s using a self-designed set up in his free time alongside being on the school’s robotics and AcaDec teams. He also had a few warnings on record for vocal harassment, mostly against Peter, which was the only reason Tony had looked into him in the first place.

Finally Peter stepped out of the school with Ned Leeds and Michelle Jones at his side, the former waving about enthusiastically and the latter with her nose pressed into her book appearing to be completely ignoring those around her. Those were also two Tony had looked into. Ned Leeds was Peter’s best friend, his Rhodey. Unlike Pepper and Happy, Tony wasn’t surprised when Peter told them Ned had found out his secret. He was more surprised it took that long. Michelle, on the other hand, had only really been a tagalong until recently, more by her own preference than the boys’. She was extremely smart and a social activist. Tony didn't know if she knew Peter’s secret, but he wouldn't put it past her to put the pieces together at some point, especially now that she’s spending more time around him. Not quite Peter’s Pepper. Banner, maybe. Or Natasha.

He’s getting off focus.

Tony leaned forwards to tell Happy to pull up so they could grab the kid, only for his words to be cut off by a loud roar.

A motorcycle shot past them, coming to a squealing halt in front of the school. Most of the kids shuffled back towards the doors, looking a few seconds short of fleeing into the building, while Peter and Jones braced themselves for a fight. Her book disappeared into her bag while his eyes darted about looking for a place to change.

“Tony?”

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., get me audio. I wanna know what’s going on over there,” Tony said as he looked over the newcomer. They were completely covered from head to toe between the black pants tucked into their knee-high boots, the motorcycle gloves peaking out of their baggy red school hoodie that boasted a wolverine mascot, and the black motorcycle helmet who’s tinted visor had to be too dark to be legal.

“Right away.”

“-ate property!” Jones was yelling.

“Sorry, gorgeous, could you repeat that? The readers at home missed most of it,” mystery guy -- or girl with a masculine voice? Eh, Tony was gonna go with guy until corrected -- said.

“What?”

Peter dropped his battle stance, though he stayed tense. “W-Wade? What are you doing here?”

“Wade? As in that Wade?” Leeds gasped.

“What do you think I’m doing here? I’m kidnapping you from this nerd palace!” Mystery guy reached back to the bag strapped to his bike. Tony thought he was going to grab the shiny metal bat peeking out, but instead he pulled out a second helmet. He tossed it at Peter and ordered, “Get on, bug!”

The kid caught it easily, but Jones stepped in front of him. “What’s up with this guy, dork? Do I need to tase him?”

“No, he- Wait, tase? You have a taser? Is that legal?”

Jones shrugged. “Probably.”

Mystery guy laughed. “I like you! What’s your name again, Mary? No, wait, that was the other guy’s MJ.”

Jones gave mystery guy an incredulous expression.

Peter waved it off. “Ignore him. He likes to say weird things to confuse people sometimes. MJ, this is Wade. He’s a… uh…”

“He your boyfriend?” Thompson sniggered.

“You got a problem with that?” Wade asked, grabbing the bat’s handle.

Thompson’s eyes widened and he staggered back.

“Wade, no. And he’s not my boyfriend. I’m just… just tutoring him. Long story.”

“Too long for this story at least. So you coming, bug?”

Peter rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, give me a sec. Ned, see you later for movie night?”

“If you live that long.”

Peter sent him a glare and Leeds sent a concerned one right back.

“I’ll be fine Ned.”

“I trust you.”

The kid gave him a look before pulling on the helmet and walking over to Wade. In a lower voice that was obviously only supposed to be heard by Wade, he said, “What are you doing here?”

“Thought I’d surprise you. Plus, I wanted to see where you go to school. Should have known you went to a nerd factory!”

“Why didn’t you call first?”

“Don’t you know the definition of surprise? Besides, you would have said no.”

“For good reason.”

“Don’t be like that, bug!” Wade revved the bike as Peter swung on behind him. “Hang on!”

Tony leaned back in his seat as the two rode off. “Did the kid say anything to you about tutoring?”

“No. The way he always talks during his calls, I always thought he spent all his free time patrolling.”

Honestly, the same went for Tony. Tutoring did sound right up the kid’s alley though. “He must be branching out. Good. F.R.I.D.A.Y., contact S.I.L.K. I wanna-”

“Karen.”

“Oh not you too!” Tony groaned.

“Karen?” Happy asked.

“Kid named the AI in his suit and now she refuses to go by anything except Karen. I gave her a perfectly good acronym -- Spider Interactive Learning Keeper -- and this is what I get in return.”

“Should I be worried it’s going to be a repeat of-”

“No, no, she’s rebellious and a bit trigger happy, but she’s fine. F.R.I.D.A.Y., let Karen know I want to be informed the moment the kid activates his suit. We can talk then.”

“Right away.”

“Karen? Kid couldn’t be more creative than that?”

“Like Dum-E.”

“He knows what he did to get that name.”

“- on. Get o-”

Tony’s eyes widened as he heard Peter cut off with a groan. He dropped down into the alleyway F.R.I.D.A.Y. had led him to and prepared his repulsors to give the kid some backup.

His brain immediately shorted out at the sight before him.

Seeing Deadpool wasn't at all surprising. He knew the mercenary was working out of NYC and had taken to prowling areas near Queens recently. He was beneath the Avengers paygrade though since he had no connections to big crime rings and his targets all favored more the more dubious walks of life.

Seeing Deadpool pinning the kid against a wall wasn't too surprising either. They had a run in before and despite Happy’s protests, Tony knew the kid wouldn't keep his nose out of things, even though Deadpool was above Spidey’s paygrade, what with the killing and his reported overall ability to walk off anything and everything. The mercenary had also made it pretty clear Spidey had his attention as well, considering the notes that had brought Tony to town in the first place.

The kissing was… definitely surprising. Sure, the notes had clearly been meant to be interpreted as love notes (or the modern teenage texting equivalent at least), but Deadpool was reported to be absolutely insane and just as mouthy in a fight as the kid, if only with a darker sense of humor. Tony had assumed the notes were some sort of joke, not signs of an actual crush. Or more.

Peter actually reciprocating the kiss, with one hand looped around the mercenary’s neck and the other clenching the front of his hoodie though? That was the mind breaking part.

The two jerked apart as Tony landed (harder than intended thanks to his brain rebooting) and spun to face him. Both had their masks pulled up to their noses to accommodate the kissing so Tony could see the flush that overtook Peter as his mouth gaped open and his mask’s eye lenses widened. He could also see the hard line Deadpool’s mouth fell into as he stepped between Tony and Peter and reached for one of the swords strapped to his back.

“Do you mind?”

“M-Mr. Stark! I-I-I can explain!”

Brain finally functioning well enough to speak, Tony said the first thing to come to mind.

“What the f-!”

[lewiselder]

super duper kyle

sxsw. the big music/film/tech/anything festival i had heard about for years. i’m not particularly big on festivals, but i found out the last show was going to include Lil Uzi Vert in the lineup. now when i say i love lil uzi, i fucking LUV lil uzi. him, young thug, hov, and jay electronica are about the only 4 artists i’d actually pay to see. 

the show was billed as, “make trap great again” and featured Gucci Mane as the headliner. hands up if you were around for the chicken talk and traphouse days. i used to listen to “Stick Em Up” off hard to kill while working out. (fun fact: most of the hard to kill album, and some of trap house, was prod by zaytoven and yet he didn’t gain mainstream name recognition until the past few years. never give up kids.)

i went to the concert with my homie hassam. i actually shouldn’t have been able to go, but my friend jake was kind enough to give me his ticket because he knew how big of an uzi fan i am. shout out jake man. 

hassam and i waited for hours outside in the texas heat and the texas sun with the texas smells and the texas folks. we were in line about 5:30 and got let into the outdoor venue at 8. the concert went till 2. 

we stood through no less than 3 hours of 2 goofy fucking white dudes called “it’s the real” ????? who were the hosts???? they danced on stage and shit, calling themselves mr cop shooter, aka mr dont give a fuck aka mr we really do fucking ruin everything. idk. i legit thought it was like satire until hour 5. fuck those dudes. FUCK those dudes. FUUUUUUCK those dudes. 

anyway. it was hot. i had a sweat towel. it earned it’s keep that night. the dude i was standing behind had a picture of sprite and lean as his phone background. tight. 

the first few performers were bad. then cardi b, definitely a huge celebrity crush of mine, did a dope performance. that was tight. then more shitty openers. 

i’m no festival kid man. i have an apartment with a/c, a toilet, shower, couch, bed, tv, liquids, solids, all types of shit, and tbh idk why yall like decimating your legs, shoes, and ear drums for this kind of shit. but to each their uncomfortable own. 

so i stand, shoulder to fuckin shoulder, with lean boy and another dude who looked like seth rogen, couldn’t have been more than 5′5″, and who popped his shirt off on like the 2nd fucking act, leaving me to brush up against his soft, freckled (i hope they were freckles) sweaty torso for 5 hours. 

FINALLY we got to some decent performers. ot genasis was tight, pnb rock was tight, ty dolla sign was fine, kap g was tight, meek mill was...there.

and then we had kyle. super duper kyle. super duper why is he in a show called make trap great again kyle. i know like, a third of that iSpy song and his verse off of ‘wanna be cool.’ that is my entire library of knowledge on super duper kyle. he actually seems very nice and i would probably fuck with his stuff if i listened. 

so he comes on stage and greets the crowd. he was a pretty good performer. he jumped around and did some choreographed dances with his dj that were cool. but then he wanted more. 

he wanted to go in the crowd.

now i was in the second row of people, super close to the stage. like i said, the guy in front of me was lean guy and next to me was seth rogen. i am not tall by any standard, but i happened to be significantly taller than both of these guys. i’m assuming that’s why super duper kyle choose me. 

super duper kyle ran up to the railing separating the crowd from the stage. i think he articulated that he was about to go in the crowd, but i don’t entirely remember. then i see an index finger. an index finger attached to a hand, attached to a wrist, attached to super duper kyle. pointing at me. 

super duper kyle says, “you’re gonna help me!”

now at this point i’m thinking he’s going to jump on me to start a crowd surf. 

no. he wanted more. 

he wanted to WALK on the crowd.

super duper kyle puts his hand out and i put my right arm out. we grab hands. then there’s this kind of, pause. it was then that i realized what super duper kyle wanted. 

super duper kyle goes, “Put your other hand out!”

uh oh.

i raise my left arm to a horizontal level for him to walk on. he looks down. i wish i could sell prints of his face in that moment. i will never forget it. 

he’s realized he’s made a mistake. he raises his head and we look at each other. 

mind you this all happened in the course of like, idk, 8 seconds. unless you were me or hassam or super duper kyle you probably didn’t realize what was happening. 

but there i am. in a packed concert venue. on the last night of sxsw. hand in hand, eyes locked, with super duper kyle. he looked down again at my left arm. it was an incredible moment. it was jordan hitting the jumper on byron russell. it was vince carter jumping over frederic weis. it was AI stepping over tyronne lue. 

it was beautiful. it was celestial. it was awkard. as fuck. lol.

after a couple seconds of just staring at each other, kyle quickly turned his attention to the people to my left. he found some able hands and proceeded to do his crowd walk. 

i was embarrassed but, once again, i was able to promptly switch to, OH THIS IS GONNA GO FUCKING PERFECT IN THE BLOG!!!!! so thank ya’ll. thank ya’ll. thank ya’ll.

now, i didn’t notice this at the time. but hassam had the video on snapchat. super duper kyle, while starting to walk on the kids next to me, actually turned his head back at me and said, “thank you.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

any who. that’s it. Uzi was super tight to see live. not a great performer but i didn’t care. gucci did about a solid 15 minutes instead of the hour he was slated for. meek mill came out with a fucking cast on his arm. 

and i got to meet super duper kyle. i would argue, intimately. i seriously doubt either one of us will ever forget that moment. 

and to super duper kyle, no worries man. thank you for a cool performance and thank you for saying thank you. 

that’s it. super duper.

next time, prayer guy returns. 

if you read this far, tell me your favorite shoes you’ve ever owned

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 17/04/2021 (Polo G, Dave, Doja Cat & SZA, Taylor Swift)

Okay, so, UK Singles Chart time – all hell broke loose. I knew Taylor Swift and Dave would make an impact but I was also not expecting all of the chaos to come with it. With that said, Lil Nas X is still at #1 for a third week with “MONTERO (Call Me by Your Name)” and let’s just get through with this. This is REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

In this starting rundown segment, I’ve got a lot to cover so I’ll make it quick, no nonsense. First of all, I cover the UK Top 75. Why the top 75? I’m difficult – even though it’s actually more convenient. Secondly, the notable drop-outs – songs that peaked in the top 40 or spent more than five weeks on the chart that are gone from the top 75 this week thanks to this avalanche of 14 or so new arrivals. This week, we say goodbye to a bunch of our debuts from last week as well as “telepatía” by Kali Uchis, “Bringing it Back” by Digga D and AJ Tracey, “You’re Mines Still” by Yung Bleu and remixed by Drake, “Midnight Sky” by Miley Cyrus, “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles, “Mr. Brightside” by the Killers and several #1 hits, including “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac, “Sweet Melody” by Little Mix, “Mood” by 24kGoldn featuring iann dior, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I and finally, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi, after spending a whopping 113 weeks in this region... despite being terrible. I mean, it’ll be back next week but celebrate the little victories, like our returns, for example. “X Gon’ Give it to Ya” by the late DMX is back at #72 after the passing of the hip-hop icon last week. This legendary song was actually one of his later hits – not even a hit in the States – and originally peaked at #6 in the UK back in 2003. We sadly don’t see anything else from DMX returning but we do also see Taylor Swift’s re-recorded version of “Love Story” revisiting the charts at #45 off the album boost.

Now for the songs that fell or rose this week, starting with the notable losses, being songs that dropped five spots or more. First, we have “Your Love (9PM)” by ATB, Topic and A7S at #13, followed by “Don’t Play” by Anne-Marie, KSI and Digital Farm Animals at #17, “Hold On” by Justin Bieber at #20, “Save Your Tears” by the Weeknd at #22, “Up” by Cardi B at #23, “Commitment Issues” by Central Cee at #25, “Latest Trends” by AI x JI plummeting at #28, “Patience” by KSI featuring YUNGBLUD and Polo G at #29, “drivers license” by Olivia Rodrigo at #34, “We’re Good” by Dua Lipa at #35, “Anyone” by Justin Bieber at #40, “Black Hole” by Griff at #41, “All You Ever Wanted” by Rag’n’Bone Man at #43, “WITHOUT YOU” by the Kid LAROI at #44, “Binding Lights” by the Weeknd at #46, “Goosebumps” by HVME and Travis Scott at #47, “6 for 6” by Central Cee at #48, “Medicine” by James Arthur at #49, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #50, “Met Him Last Night” by Demi Lovato featuring Ariana Grande at #54 off of the debut, “Paradise” by MEDUZA and Dermot Kennedy at #58, Doja Cat’s “Streets” at #60 and “Best Friend” with Saweetie at #61, “Tonight” by Ghost Killer Track featuring D-Block Europe at #62, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #63, “Beautiful Mistakes” by Maroon 5 featuring Megan Thee Stallion at #66, “Track Star” by Mooski at #67, “Headshot” by Lil Tjay, Fivio Foreign and Polo G at #73, “What Other People Say” by Sam Fischer and Demi Lovato at #74 and finally, whatever’s left of Drake as “What’s Next” is at #68 and “Lemon Pepper Freestyle” with Rick Ross is at #70.

Our gains are arguably more interesting, as it’s impressive to climb five spots or higher or reach the top 40 for the first time in the midst of all this nonsense. Therefore, we do have just a few gains, those being “Runaway” by AURORA at #51 off of the debut, “Nice to Meet Ya” by Wes Nelson featuring Yxng Bane making a surprise attack at the top 40 going to #39 off of the debut, “Good Without” by Mimi Webb at #18 and “Ferrari Horses” by D-Block Europe and RAYE continuing its gains up to #16. That’s pretty much it – still took a while – so let’s get through those 14 new arrivals, huh? God help me.

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 – “Marea (We’ve Lost Dancing)” – Fred again.. and The Blessed Madonna

Produced by Boston Bun and Fred again..

This is one of the songs that really padded out our new arrivals list – to explain, a lot of the time, these songs were released weeks ago and only now gain enough traction to debut within the top 75 and hence be discussed by me. This one just happens to have popped up in a week where everything is going on already so it kind of gets lost in incoherency but regardless, this is a song from Ed Sheeran’s producer Fred Gibson, who I refuse to call by his stage name, from his most recent project featuring vocals from The Blessed Madonna, most commonly known right now as the producer and DJ behind the club mix edition of Dua Lipa’s Future Nostalgia and hence the “Levitating” remix with Missy Elliott and, well, actual Madonna. The song itself is one I’m surprised is about anything but has these mostly spoken word vocals about how we as a world have “lost dancing” to the COVID-19 pandemic, as well as hugs, and, well, that’s all she decides to elaborate about. She also guarantees that once everything is over, “what comes next will be marvellous”. Whilst I appreciate the sentiment, I think it’s almost a dangerous promise, given that we’ll be in this pandemic for longer than anyone expected and it’s pretty evident that we’ll still be keeping to social distancing as the vaccine roll-out continues all throughout this year. At this point, we’re still in lockdown and international travel will still be stunted for years after the fact. This song feels like The Blessed Madonna getting on her pedestal about the arts and their impact on people without going into any detail that warrants the soapbox, bizarrely over some synth-heavy deep house beat that decides to do little more than flutter through the entirety of the five-minute runtime. Yeah, this is pretty insufferable. Next.

#71 – “Slumber Party” – Ashnikko featuring Princess Nokia

Produced by CallMeTheKidd

Okay, so TikTok picks this one up and the label then decides to push this over “Deal with It”, a brilliant pop song that was right there and already had the high-budget video to boot? Regardless, this is taken from Ashnikko’s debut mixtape of sorts, Demidevil, and whilst as a whole the project does little more than act as harmless fun guising as anything more, a couple of the singles are genuinely pretty great, including this one, which seems to be a break-out hit for rapper Princess Nokia. This song relies on the jerkiness of its almost DJ Mustard-esque club beat and that warped might-be-a-flute loop to support Ashnikko’s similarly sloppy delivery, which decides to be as in character in possible – of which I mean that it is obnoxious and frankly ridiculously stupid. This isn’t a “slumber party” at all, and whilst the childish implications are if anything kind of unnerving, there is a lot of fun to be had here if you get past the “kawaii hentai boobies” in the chorus. Nokia’s verse continues the album’s general early 2000s aesthetic with her referencing many hits and singers from that time period in a pretty slick albeit one-and-done verse that should really be extended further than it is. I mean, I would have preferred that to Ashnikko’s second verse comparing her girlfriend to the little girl from The Addams Family, before mentioning how her eyes go black when she orgasms and that her spit tastes like Juicy Fruit gum. Okay, so when it comes to filthy lesbian rap I think I prefer acts like BASSIDE but for what it’s worth, this is surreal and fun enough for me to like. I hope it does well, but know she has better songs even on that same tape.

#69 – “Versus” – SL and M1llionz

Produced by Lucas Dante and Yng Cld

Oh, hey, another drill track by two guys produced by two guys for two guys to rap about how cool it is to be the two guys they are. I guess the gimmick here is that the single actually has an instrumental version as well for whatever reason; I guess they want people to remix the track. That would make sense, as this beat is immediately recognisable from that chipmunk squeak of a glitched vocal sample they use. In fact, I think I prefer the instrumental version because when those booming 808s come in, it hits really hard especially with the scattering drill percussion. SL and M1llionz are trading bars here in what is basically one verse and it’s not like they’re saying nothing of interest here as there is a viable enough amount of detail here in these bars about exactly what you’d expect. But that’s exactly what it is: exactly what you’d expect. By the first verse, you’ve already heard SL talk about watching The Boondocks and that’s about as interesting as it gets. Sure, the interplay between the two guys in this case is pretty smooth, but it goes on for about a minute too long and M1llionz has a lot more charisma than SL so it does feel like half the song is wasted away. The producers know that too, as they decide to fade the song out very quickly after M1llionz stops rapping his final bars. This is fine – on some days, I’d probably call it really good – but it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.

#64 – “Starstruck” – Years & Years

Produced by Mark Ralph and Nathaniel Ledwidge

We’re not even out of that bottom third of the chart and we’ve still got a lot ahead of us before we get above that point. Here, we have “Starstruck”, sadly not the Lady Gaga or 3OH!3 song but instead the first officially solo song by Years & Years, which is now just frontman Olly Alexander after his bandmates’ departure, similar to Panic! at the Disco except the members seem to be on good terms, or Ritt Momney, except no one here is a Mormon missionary... yet. Whilst you could see this from a mile away if you had listened to that last album, it would be deceiving to say it’s only Olly this time around as he’s enlisted several outside producers and writers to craft a pretty straightforward love song. Well, is it any good? I’m not entirely sold on it, mostly because it seems to reject all of the lyrical intrigue there was in those past two albums – at least intermittently – for a pretty generic if not pure and lovely content, with the most interesting of lyrics being about sipping his partner up like cosmic juice, which I’ll admit got a laugh out of me. It is fitting for how this janky dance-pop song sounds as sonically it’s kind of a quirky mess with a lot of bassy grooves in the verses only to be replaced by a shiny synth blend that completely shrouds the chorus in video game sound effects and French house-esque filter effects. This sound is very much a late-2000s early-2010s throwback in some ways and throwing it back even further in others, which creates an interesting sound but not enough to not let this become easily stale after just the second chorus, especially if it’s going to purposefully fumble its climax for an awkward build-up that involves basically revealing the drop measures before it should have. Yeah, I want to like this but it just seems kind of confused as it is. I’m still going to listen to that third album whenever it comes, but I’m somewhat disappointed with this lead single thus far.

#57 – “Lingo” – Deno featuring J.I. the Prince of NY and Chunkz

Produced by Da Beatfreakz

Alright, so British rapper Deno has enlisted New York rapper J.I. – who I refuse to call by his full stage name – and Chunkz, who I’m pretty sure is some YouTuber, to hop on a beat from DaBeatfreakz, specifically this watery R&B beat with vocal loops drowned out by bass and some awkward mixing. Deno isn’t much of a presence in the verse or chorus, J.I. talks about some girl not chewing him right and Chunkz, who sounds awful on any beat with the whiny Auto-Tuned mumble, somehow doesn’t say anything of interest despite being the semi-professional comedian of these three guys, or at least not before Deno takes over his verse and they all give up for the last couple measures. Yes, that was one sentence – this song doesn’t deserve much more.

#56 – “Shy Away” – twenty one pilots

Produced by Tyler Joseph

I’ve never been that big a fan of twenty one pilots, but I was actually pretty fond of her most recent album, Trench. What fascinates me about them is how they seemed to have done really well for themselves that one time in the Blurryface era and have coasted off the success of that to fund some of their more out-there and experimental musical aspirations. I don’t think they’re looking for big hits anymore – which is good because this won’t be one – but people will always be looking out for what they do next, and they’ve just announced a new album coming soon with this as the lead single. Thankfully, it’s not that COVID-19 pandemic pandering from last year which got on my nerves a lot more than it should. “Shy Away”, instead, goes for... 1980s dance-punk, because, of course. I do love that jerky synth lead and how well it’s backed by that chugging bass and percussion, which we’ll always know is organic coming from Josh Dun. The song itself is a somewhat vague motivational track but not for no reason, as these lyrics actually originated from when Tyler Joseph was giving advice to his brother, a budding musician, trying to get him to see himself in a new light and find his unique purpose in music and not to “shy away” from continuing with his dreams. I can get behind that, especially if it’s going to have squealing guitar segues, an infectious power-pop chorus that will probably not leave my head for a long time and the excellent swell of guitars in that third verse before the brief breakdown in the post-chorus with all those squibbling synth effects. It’s just a wonderfully constructed song on all accounts, even if it sacrifices some of that unique personality we usually get from Tyler for the sake of making a tighter pop-rock song.

#52 – “You Belong with Me” (Taylor’s Version) – Taylor Swift

Produced by Taylor Swift and Christopher Rowe

I guess the best place to start with these re-recordings is the original song, which I’ve never liked. I’ve never seen a reason to enjoy Taylor’s entitled adolescent whining over some pretty garbage production making what may as well be organic country instrumentation sound like MIDI tracks. She doesn’t deliver a particularly good vocal performance, or at least one good enough to excuse “She wear short skirts, I wear T-shirts, she’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers”. There isn’t enough detail to make this seem like a toxic relationship so she ends up just sounding bratty. This new version, from a matured Taylor Swift a decade later, has decided not to change any of these lyrics and it just sounds worse coming from a Taylor who clearly knows a lot better and is in a happy relationship. Okay, the instrumentation sounds a lot more organic and has more of a groove than it used to, with some more intricate production moments that are cool, but that’s really the only change that improves on an already mediocre song. Taylor’s voice has improved a lot since that original recording but so has she, and her selling these lyrics with as much conviction while in her 30s just ends up sounding sad. It only makes sense to “reclaim” these songs if you’re going to try and make them your own again, and not representative of someone I don’t think Taylor is anymore. Alas, it’s listenable, but this could have been one of the more interesting re-recordings and nothing was done with it past the better mixing and a pretty epic guitar solo, even if it does feel unwarranted by the content.

#42 – “Way Too Long” – Nathan Dawe, Anne-Marie and MoStack

Produced by Scribz Riley, Tré Jean-Marie, Nathan Dawe and GRADES

For someone who is solely a producer and DJ, I say that’s two or three too many credited producers, but regardless, before we get to more Taylor Swift, which we will eventually, we’ve got some leftover house track with B-list stars that starts with the words, “Hey, yo, yo, it’s Stack Rack”. With that said, I actually kind of like this song with its strings swelling more than the usual track and its bass-heavy club groove in the verses being more complex in its percussion, especially when the sound design is that interesting in the second half of the verse as all of these effects and different synth patterns occur in the back of the mix, which kind of lets me forgive how anti-climactic the drop is. It’s not really an EDM song as much as it’s a light-hearted pop track and Anne-Marie isn’t taking it as seriously as she could, especially on that vocoder-drop chorus, which makes the song a lot more fun that it should be. MoStack is who really shines on this track though, as his verse is – probably unintentionally – very funny, as he twists the meaning of the song to a phallic joke, happily engages in monogamy, particularly with every British pop-star he can think of and says “forget quality, I want quantity”. He just lists famous singers by the end of this verse that he finds attractive and is completely gone off the deep-end by the time he’s ignored by Anne-Marie’s swell of a chorus. It’s not a great song and definitely falls into the traps that most EDM does but as it is, it’s a fun track with a surprisingly hilarious and sloppy guest verse from MoStack that I was not expecting, as well as just being inoffensive across the board.

#33 – “Mercury” – Dave featuring Kamal.

Produced by Manny Manhattan and Kyle Evans

Dave released a double A-side single – or at least whatever the equivalent for that is in the streaming age – and this was the less popular track, “Mercury”, with singer Kamal. If you don’t know Dave is, he’s one of the biggest and most celebrated rappers in the UK and this is his first solo release since 2019. I’ve usually been pretty happy with Dave’s releases – hell, Psychodrama was one of my favourite albums of 2019 – but I’m not entirely sure I can endorse this lazy trap beat relying on some gentle but overbearing pianos and groovier bass knocks. Really, the beat is pretty minimal so we can focus on what Dave’s saying, right? Well, we could, but why would we want to? Sure, there’s some good wordplay weaved into here and I don’t dislike his stories about gang violence and paranoia, even if they’re delivered in the most checked-out almost condescending way possible, but I can’t get behind the misogyny that seems to run a lot deeper than it does in typical rap. Sure, he makes the same googly-eyed observations about attractive women, describes some parts of the sex but interestingly not any part he plays, and also describes her as a “work of art”, but this is all after he dismisses women in general for not “forgiving him for his sins”, in some thinly-veiled Ariana Grande reference that leaves me more pissed off than he is, especially since Dave’s not as self-aware as he thinks he is, particularly because he himself can barely forgive himself for his wrongs in that second verse. Instead, he shrouds it in hedonism like any other rapper – what have the women got to do other than make good decisions for themselves about who they sleep with? He doesn’t go into disgusting detail like Digga D on “Toxic” but it rubs me the wrong way, especially if he’s going to then complain about the myth that is cancel culture. If this comes from a genuine place where he was genuinely attacked for something he didn’t deserve the abuse for, I’d understand, but why even complain about the supposed mob of Twitter users when the only tie you have to it is something reported on your brother by the right-wing press that everyone ignored? Other than missing the point terribly, it’s not like this song is catchy or notable. Even he acknowledges that this five-minute bore wouldn’t make the album, and it’s for good reason.

#32 – “Anywhere Away from Here” – Rag’n’Bone Man and P!nk

Produced by Rag’n’Bone Man, Mike Elizondo and Ben Jackson-Cook

So this is Rag’n’Bone Man’s second single from that upcoming album, or at least the second to chart, and after the surprisingly great post-punk rocker that was “All You Ever Wanted”, I’m excited to hear what a duet with P!nk could sound like. After all, they’re both rougher voices in the pop sphere, even if P!nk’s been doing it for much longer. Sadly, it’s a ballad... not to say they can’t do ballads well but this is a pretty minimal piano-lead track with some really badly mixed vocals from Rag’n’Bone Man as he channels an unintelligible Dave Grohl that’s way too loud in the mix, especially when the strings come in and cloud the mix. I do like the content once again with Rag’n’Bone Man as he continues to discuss the careless days of his youth, but this is more about growing older and eventually growing discontent with that lifestyle and each other, just wanting to be somewhere else. P!nk delivers this in a way that’s a lot more flattering to her voice and the instrumental, but when the borderline choir vocals come in with those terribly-mixed harmonies between the two and that pointless bridge, I give up on this song. It just refuses to go anywhere, I’m sorry, and it had a lot of potential but these voices don’t particularly mesh together especially over some basic piano and strings. This could have been great and as is, is less than mediocre.

#30 – “Mr. Perfectly Fine” (Taylor’s Version) (From the Vault) – Taylor Swift

Produced by Taylor Swift and Jack Antonoff

I didn’t listen to the re-recorded version of Fearless; instead I just listened to the six or so bonus “from the vault” tracks because that’s the only new content and I’m not big on any of it. It sounds exactly as you’d expect a 31-year-old woman reciting lyrics she wrote and shelved when she was a teenager, not even thinking they were good enough to release then, decades after the fact, and most of the songs just aren’t interesting at all. I think “Bye Bye Baby” is a great pop song but besides that there’s nothing much to enjoy in these tracks, at least from me. I know that Taylor’s biggest fans will love how she re-recorded leaked and rumoured songs that had been circulating but as someone detached from that, it does nothing for me. This song in particular is about Joe Jonas, because, of course, it was, and it’s a petty, sarcastic break-up song Taylor should be able to deliver confidently but ends up falling flat based on almost that awful verse melody alone, which is just janky, unpleasant and stretched out to the point of annoyance, especially if it’s going to be produced this well. She dug up this track seemingly only to get Antonoff on the record, and, sure, the chorus is catchy and has that one great moment with those crashing guitars, but it enjoys killing its momentum as soon as it gets going... for five minutes. Yeah, I’m sorry but I’m not interested in what was left on the cutting room floor a decade separated from the release of this re-recording, especially if this fully-fleshed instrumentation does little more than distract from how dreadfully boring this song is. Wake me up when she re-records Speak Now or especially reputation, because that will truly be fascinating.

#10 – “Kiss Me More” – Doja Cat featuring SZA

Produced by tizhimself, Carter Lang, Rogét Chahayed and Yeti Beats

I’ve forgotten to mention that three of those 14 new arrivals actually debuted in the top 10 this week, meaning, yes, whilst we’re nearly done, we’ve still got a lot to cover and we start with what seems to be the lead single from Doja Cat’s upcoming album, as she enlists SZA to assist her on this classily unclassy disco-pop song. Those main guitars do sound great, especially with Doja’s signature cooing over them, and that’s before we get to that slick pink disco groove not dissimilar to “Say So” but with a tighter, fun bassline and how quickly Doja strips off the subtlety. I could do without that mess of a post-chorus that is just a blend of too many, not very great vocal takes, but I do love how it leads into Doja’s unsubtle sex bars that actually go into some interesting detail, but not as much SZA being kind of filthy but also delivering a pretty great vocal performance, even if she starts with asking her partner for that “gushy stuff”. I do find it odd that it decides to censor “dick” of all words, but this production is great and I actually particularly like that final chorus and post-chorus once SZA starts harmonising on it. As is, it’s a pretty tight and likeable disco jam from two charismatic performers... co-written by Dr. Luke. Goddamn it, Doja, I don’t know what contract he’s got you in but Jesus, someone do something about that.

#9 – “Titanium” – Dave

Produced by Kyle Evans and P2J

This is our second Dave song and obviously the more successful of the two, at about three minutes shorter – thankfully – debuting in the top 10. It’s much better than “Mercury”, even if the song literally starts with him bragging about not needing vibrators to make his girlfriend orgasm. That said, the lyrics here are actually a lot slicker, flowing much like he did on “Streatham” as he lists so many precious metals you’d think he’s Bender. I do like the intricacies in these lyrics, even if he doesn’t really adapt it into any wordplay. He mentions how awkward that it is that his neighbours are going to vote Conservative as he brags in an almost freestyle-like structure in the single verse he spits, which has a couple flow switches and a lot more empty space than it should for a beat this awkwardly mixed, as whilst I like the trap percussion here, it really does not sound that great over borderline MIDI pianos. The little string inflections and drum fills here are cool though, and those intricacies are what makes Dave’s verse so interesting, as he foreshadows his bar about Tyson Fury with an ad-lib that Fury used himself as a build-up for his boxing matches. His JAY-Z references are also on point and pretty clever, it’s just that there’s still not much to this past that and I’m left pretty underwhelmed with these releases from Dave, even if they’re not from that next album, whenever that’s coming.

#3 – “RAPSTAR” – Polo G

Produced by Einer Bankz and Synco

Well, Lil Tjay debuted at #2 a couple weeks ago so I guess it’s only fair for his fellow “Pop Out” rapper, and the one I personally immensely prefer, Polo G to have his surprise, kind-of-out-of-nowhere top 5 debut. Much like “MONTERO”, this track was being teased for nearly a year, having first been shown as an acoustic collaboration with professional ukulele player – yes, seriously – Einer Bankz, who’s also credited with production here, in May of 2020. Just shy of a year afterwards, we get “RAPSTAR”, in the same vein of other all-caps trap songs about musical success like “ROCKSTAR” or “POPSTAR”. Maybe next we’ll get “NEOCLASSICAL DARK WAVESTAR”. Regardless, this song is basically just about being epic and Polo G can effectively sell that even in his more basic flexing because of that intermittent detail like when he says the only woman he talks to is Siri, which isn’t even a brag or a flex, more a sad admission of his crippling loneliness which I don’t think was intended. He also does more than empty flexing, discussing his past drug addictions and how he coped with that alongside all of the struggles he had to overcome at the same time. That second verse may start with him saying he’s 2Pac reborn but it goes a lot deeper into his anxieties than I expected. All of this is over a melancholy guitar-based beat with some great bass and better mixing than is expected of these pop-trap singles, even if it’s still far from perfect. Those eerie vocal loops in the background add a lot to this song and I think that chorus has a pretty great build-up, even if the percussion may seem a bit too basic and uncomplicated as an effective drop. I can’t really complain about this at all, though, as it is really good for what it is and I’m glad it’s this high.

Conclusion

And with that, I’m finally, FINALLY finished with scouring through these new arrivals and I’ll admit that it was less of a mixed bag and more of a generally positive week, at least for me, as I found more I liked than anything I disliked, particularly with Best of the Week as that goes to twenty one pilots for “Shy Away”, with the Honourable Mention going to Ashnikko’s “Slumber Party” featuring Princess Nokia, although there’s a lot to praise on the charts this week. In terms of Worst of the Week, it’s probably going to go to Fred again.. and The Blessed Madonna for “Marea (We’ve Lost Dancing)”, with a Dishonourable Mention for, sadly, Dave’s “Mercury” featuring Kamal. I would like to note that Taylor Swift was awfully closer than she should be to getting that this week. Here’s this week’s top 10:

What to expect from this week? Gosh, I don’t know. AJ Tracey? Young Thug? Either way, we’ll see whatever happens to all this – whether it gets flooded out or they all end up sticking around – next week, so I’ll see you then. Thanks for reading.