#i love replying to comments i do i just get this weird anxiety mental block about it

[gilears]

endeavouring to reply to All my unreplied to comments on the o&t series (and, stretch goal, my d20 fics?) bc i am notoriously bad at replying to comments but i do love doing it and also would love to have everything cleared away before o&2 tomorrow.

anyway. wish me luck and sincere apologies for people that have commented on multiple chaps/fics and are about to have their inbox terrorized by ao3 user sulfuric. i love you okay bye

[dottielovegood]

ASMR

Elriel Fanfic. Read here on AO3

Azriel can’t sleep Elain has an ASMR channel Match made in heaven (or you know, on youtube..)

I was thinking about Elain's gift to Azriel for Solstice and how she would help him sleep if they were just regular people in our modern-day world. And thus, this chapter was born. I haven't really decided if this will just be a one shot or if I will continue with a few more chapters. Please tell me if you want more.

------------------------

Azriel couldn’t sleep.

It wasn’t a new occurrence. Sleep rarely found him, and when it did, it was tainted by nightmares. Ever since his childhood, sleep had been a battle. Other people talked about how much they loved sleeping, and how they might spend an entire weekend in bed, just sleeping. Azriel always nodded when he heard people say such things, but he never understood them. If he could, Azriel would skip sleep altogether. If he could, he would just keep going without rest.

But to his dismay, his body did not agree. It needed sleep. His traitorous body needed the thing he hated the most. This had led to Azriel trying anything and everything to fall asleep. He had tried working out for hours before bed. He had tried tea that was supposed to make you sleepy. He had tried calming music and meditation. Nothing had worked. He still woke up after an hour, covered in sweat. When he had become really desperate, he had tried medication (which made him feel like a zombie the next day) and weed (he hated it. It made him feel sick.)

He had almost given up at this point. He was in his late twenties and had come to accept his fate as an insomniac with horrid nightmares.

But maybe his fate would change tonight?

It was in the middle of the night and Azriel was browsing Youtube, as he so often did. He had started with an interview of one of his favorite musicians, and then he had clicked on a recommended video, and all of a sudden he was down the rabbit hole. He was just about to give up when he found himself watching a video about how to grow a micro garden (he had no interest in micro gardens, so he had no idea how he ended up there). He was just about to click off when a thumbnail of a different video caught his eye.

The small picture showed him a young woman in a lilac top. Her hair was the color of dark honey and she had some small freckles across her nose. But it was her eyes that drew him in. They were a light brown color, and he would probably describe them as doe-eyes. Big and beautiful and innocent. And kind. She looked so kind.

He clicked the video without reading the title. He needed to see more of this girl.

The video started with her sitting very close to the camera. There was a microphone in front of her and she leaned in close and whispered “Hello my lovelies, lovelies, lovelies. Welcome back to my channel.” The girl paused and moved her hands in front of the camera. “Tonight’s video will be personal attention and hand movements.” Her voice was soft, almost angelic.

He didn’t know what he expected to see when he clicked the video, but it wasn’t this. Azriel had no idea what he was watching, but he couldn’t stop.

The girl on the video picked up a hairbrush and started tapping the back of it with her nails. “I am going to brush your hair,” she whispered into the microphone, and Azriel could feel himself relax as she started to move the brush in front of the camera. She had added a background sound that actually made it sound as if she was brushing someone’s hair. “Does that feel good?” she asked into the microphone. Her eyes never left the camera and it felt as if she was staring into Azriel’s soul. She continued the brushing while whispering affirmations into the microphone. Azriel felt a tingling sensation that started in his neck and traveled down his back. He had no idea what this girl was doing to him, but he wanted more. He glanced at the channel name: Flower Girl ASMR.

He made a mental note to google what ASMR was when the video was finished.

He did feel a bit weird watching this though. He was just watching this girl whisper sweet things into her microphone, and it felt as if she was whispering them into his ears. She had finished the brushing and was now giving him a face massage. He knew that it was weird. He knew that his friends would laugh their asses off if they found out that he had been watching this video. Luckily, they would never find out.

Flower Girl ASMR moved her hands slowly in front of the camera in small circular motions. She smiled gently at the camera and he could feel himself smile back. He actually smiled at his phone. God, what was this video? Witchcraft?

“If you like my content, you can subscribe to my Patreon,” she whispered halfway through the video. “For only five, five, five dollars a month, you get access to hundreds of videos, and I post five new videos every week that are exclusive to my patreons.”

Never in his life had Azriel wanted to subscribe to someone’s Patreon, but he could make an exception for this girl.

While having her soft voice in his ears, he decided to scroll the comments.

Most of the comments were nice enough, telling her that she made them feel relaxed and helped them sleep. Was that what she did? Did she help people sleep?

Azriel didn’t really believe that anyone could help him at this point, but he had to admit that he did feel relaxed.

He continued scrolling, and almost wished he hadn’t. Among all of the sweet comments, there were some assholes that made his blood boil.

HybernCoolKid 4 days ago Pretty girl, but you could show more boobs. N00ds on patreon? OF?

Amarantha_utm 7 days ago Boring af

LucienV   6 days ago Just subscribed to your patreon! I love watching you every night when I fall asleep. I always wish that I will dream about you <3 ily

LucienV 5 days ago You are so pretty. Can you please make a video with kissing sounds?

MortalGraysen 4 days ago People only subscribe to you bc you’re pretty. I mean ngl I only watch your videos to look at that pretty face while I jerk off.

Azriel curled his hands into fists to keep himself from replying to every single weird comment on this video. Didn’t she moderate her comments? She could easily block words from appearing in her comment section. Why didn’t she?

The internet was full of creeps, which he was well aware of since he worked in IT. He had moderated many comment sections in his life, and people never ceased to surprise and disgust him. But he couldn’t understand why people would comment such things on this lovely girl’s video. She was obviously just trying to help people.

He shook his head in disbelief and clicked away from the comments.

The video soon ended, and another one started automatically.

In this video, the pretty girl was sitting in front of a wall covered in flowers. The microphone was still in front of her and she was using a make-up brush on the microphone. It made a swooshing sound, and Azriel could feel that tingling sensation again. He put his phone on his chest and relaxed on his bed. The swooshing sound of the brush combined with her sweet whispers made his entire body feel good. He thought to himself that he should subscribe to her channel, but before he knew it, he was drifting off.

Slowly, he fell asleep and no nightmares plagued him that night.

Azriel jolted awake to the sound of his alarm. Sleepily, he found himself cradling his phone. His air pods had fallen out of his ears during the night and he found one under his pillow and the other one on the floor.

He was sleepy, but also...rested?

He couldn’t even remember what it felt like to sleep for hours without waking up to nightmares and anxiety. Was this what normal people felt like every day? No wonder they loved sleeping so much.

Azriel picked up his phone and walked out to his kitchen to make some breakfast. While he waited for the coffee machine to brew his coffee, he leaned against the counter and clicked the YouTube icon on his phone. He searched for “Flower Girl ASMR”. Video after video with her beautiful face appeared on his screen. He clicked on one of the videos he had watched last night and decided to leave a comment. He usually never left comments on videos, but there was just something about her…

Shadowsinger 3 minutes ago I have no idea what ASMR means, but this video put me to sleep last night. I can’t remember the last time I had hours of uninterrupted sleep. Thank you!

He then clicked the link to her Patreon and subscribed to her there. It will be the best five dollars a month ever spent , he thought to himself as he poured coffee into his favorite cup.

Today was going to be a good day, all thanks to Flower Girl ASMR.

[thewalkingdeadimaginings]

When I Found You

Can I have a Tara x fem reader where the reader and her family are a new group Alexandrian's meet and Tara starts to fall for her ? X

 Hey guys! I know I’ve been away, not updating anything for the last year. I guess I haven’t felt too much motivation with everything that’s been going on this past year. And my mental health has gone up and down a lot lately. I’ve…developed anxiety? Which is a weird feeling. But on a more positive note, I turned 26 on March 4th so that’s exciting. Anyways, I thought with my return, I’d try something new. I currently have two work-in-progress one shots that I’ve been stuck on so I’m setting them aside for now. I hope you enjoy this.

 Note: Y/M/N = Your mom’s name // Y/D/N = Your dad’s name

 Also, just know that hate will NOT be tolerated and any negative comments will be deleted and you’ll be blocked. If you’re anti-LGBTQ+, I don’t know what you’re doing here anyway following a bisexual writer so…just so ya know…keep all nasty comments to yourself.

             Was it bad to fall in love so easily? Tara always found herself in trouble because of that so she’d always felt it was. She’d had her heart broken so many times, lost so many that maybe it was best for her to be alone. At least for a little while. She’d made peace with it by now, keeping herself busy by going on more runs, taking more shifts at the gate, and any other small tasks that needed to be done.

             “Hey, I’m here to relieve you,” Rosita declared as she climbed up to the top of the fence to stand beside Tara, “Maybe now you can go relax. I’m tired just watching you. Are you okay?”

             “Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” Tara replied, “Just…trying to keep busy, ya know? No big deal.”

             “I get it,” Rosita said, “I just think you should maybe slow down a little bit. You don’t wanna overwork yourself. No one would hold it against you.”

             Before Tara could argue further, she was interrupted by Michonne, who was emerging from the woods and making her presence known so Eugene could open up the gate. She had a small group with her, though Tara couldn’t make out the details on who they were. But it appeared to be an older couple and a young woman with them. Tara, completely ignoring her friend’s advice, climbed down to meet Michonne.

             “What’s going on?” Tara inquired as Michonne stepped through the gate, “New people?”

             Michonne nodded, “This is Y/N and these are her parents, Y/M/N and Y/D/N. Y/N was fighting off walkers practically on her own. They needed proper shelter here.”

             Tara turned to meet your gaze and her words caught in her throat at first. Seeing how beautiful you were even slightly hidden under blood stains was almost overwhelming at first. But she had to stop herself. No, she remembered it was a bad thing to fall so easily. You hadn’t even spoken to her yet. She couldn’t get caught up in a pretty face.

             “All on your own?” Tara finally managed, “Impressive. You must be exhausted.”

             “Anything for my mom and dad,” you replied with a small chuckle. You stuffed your hands in your pants pockets and let out a heavy sigh, “But yeah, I’m pretty tired. We’re lucky that Michonne found us. I don’t know how much longer we would’ve made it out there. I’m pretty impressed myself actually. Never thought I’d see…I dunno…civilization again.”

             “Neither did I,” Tara said, “But there’s plenty of other communities just like us. World’s getting a little bigger these days.”

             You nodded in agreement as your parents walked off with Michonne. You pointed at the three of them as you started to follow, “I should get going, get cleaned up and sleep for once. What’d you say your name was?”

             “I didn’t, it’s Tara,” she replied.

             You grinned as you gave Tara a playful salute, “Well, I’ll see you around, Tara.”

 * * *

             The next few days, Tara tried her best to keep things light with you because the more time you spent together, the harder it would soon become to suppress any feelings. But you were certainly not making it easy with the way you smiled at her, the way you touched her arm while you spoke. Sometimes, she just wasn’t able to avoid you as the two of you had guard duty together. You were quiet for a while which was a relief for Tara but she also couldn’t stand the silence between the two of you.

             “So…” Tara said, finally breaking the silence. She felt your eyes on her but she wouldn’t turn to face you, “You never told me where you were from before all this.”

             “I was from Connecticut,” you said, “I was living with my boyfriend at the time. We got separated in the very beginning and I haven’t seen him since. I have no idea if he’s alive.”

             Tara’s heart sank at the mention of a boyfriend. It was probably better this way anyway. Tara couldn’t risk your life just because she caught feelings too quickly. She sighed and gave you a small nod, “I’m sorry to hear that. I just lost my girlfriend. I won’t get into details but…it’s been hard.”

             “Oh, I’m so sorry for your loss,” you replied, “It doesn’t get easier even when all you know is death now, ya know?”

             Tara nodded in agreement, “Yeah. It makes me…hesitant to let anyone in again. Denise…she wasn’t the first girlfriend I lost. It just…feels like maybe I’m meant to be alone.”

             “Oh Tara,” you mumbled. You placed your hand on her shoulder and lightly squeezed, running your hand back and forth across her upper back. Your touch made her shiver but she tried her best to hide it, “Tara, no one’s meant to be alone. Humans are social creatures. We need other people. I think the world has shown us that lately. We can’t make it alone.”

             “I guess I can’t argue with that,” Tara said, leaning slightly into your arms, “It’s just scary, ya know?”

             “I know,” you said, “You’ll get through this. It looks like you have a great family here. And you can always talk to me too. As long as you don’t keep avoiding me like you have been.”

             “Y/N, I haven’t been avoiding you,” Tara replied nervously, “I’ve just been…busy.”

             “Look, I’m not stupid,” you said sternly, “I’m not sure what I did but I hope one day, you can feel comfortable enough to talk to me.”

             “It’s nothing you did,” Tara said, “It’s…it’s complicated.”

             “No, I get it,” you said, “You just said you’re afraid to let people in again. But I can promise you that I’m not going anywhere. I’ve survived things that should’ve killed me but I’m still here. You don’t have to be afraid of losing me.”

             Tara stared at you for a long time, her eyes drifting down to your mouth, your tongue darting across your lips. You smiled warmly at her, reaching up to hold her face in your hands, “We’re gonna be fine, right?”

             “Yeah,” Tara said in a whisper. Her body moved involuntarily and she acted before she could even think it, leaning in to kiss your lips. You surprised her by welcoming her kiss, your hands moving to the back of her neck. It felt like such a relief to kiss you, to feel her touch, like she was starving for it. The relief didn’t last long though. As her head began to clear, she started thinking about what she’d just done and she quickly pulled away from you, “Oh my god. I’m so sorry, Y/N. I didn’t mean to…I…”

             “Hey,” you said softly after a moment of stunned silence, “It’s okay, Tara. I’m not upset I actually-”

             Tara scrambled down the ladder, “I have to go. I’ll send someone to relieve me. But I’ve gotta go.”

             “Tara, wait!” you called out after her. You wanted to run after her but you couldn’t leave the fence without someone watching it so all you could do was watch Tara walk off in a huff, “Tara! Fuck.”

 * * *

             After asking Rosita to take over with guard duty for the rest of her shift, Tara stayed hidden in her house for the rest of the afternoon. Rosita had asked what happened but Tara couldn’t bring herself to explain it. She forced a kiss on a girl who obviously wasn’t interested in women. Everything about that was wrong and she couldn’t stand to face you for that.

             Hours had passed with Tara lying on her couch staring at the ceiling when there was a knock on her door, “Tara, open up. It’s me, Y/N. I know you’re home.”

             “Y/N, I don’t feel like talking,” Tara groaned. The door swung open and you stood at the doorway, pointing at Tara with a grimace on your face. Tara sat up, eyes wide in shock, “Y/N! What the hell?”

             “I’m not leaving until we talk about this,” you snapped as you slammed the door behind you. Approaching the couch, you jabbed Tara in the shoulder, “Now, why would you avoid me, then kiss me, then run away from me? You know you’re giving me whiplash!”

             “You know why I’ve been avoiding you?” Tara grumbled, “Because I like you, okay?! But you’re not into women and then I kissed you anyway even though I knew that. How are you not upset?”

             “Maybe you should’ve let me finish my sentence earlier before you ran off,” you snarled, “Because I was going to say that I wasn’t upset. I actually liked it. I liked kissing you.”

             “But you’re-”

             “I said I had a boyfriend, I never said I was straight,” you interjected, “I had a girlfriend until about a month or so ago. And I was like you! I thought I’d never find another person that I could feel that way for ever again. And then I walked through those gates and saw you and everything changed for me. You know how hard it was on me being avoided by you? I had to switch things around just to end up on guard duty with you.”

             “Wow,” Tara sighed, “I had no idea.”

             “Because you weren’t letting yourself,” you said. You let out a sigh and you flopped down on the couch by Tara’s feet, patting her legs, “I’m sorry for the rant, Tara. I’ve just never met anyone so frustrating and stubborn. But I really liked that kiss.”

             “Yeah?” Tara said, tucking her legs under her body and scooting closer to you. You moved with her until there were only inches separating you, “Well, I’m sorry for cutting it short then.”

             You tucked her dark hair behind her ear, biting your bottom lip, “We could always pick it up where we left off.”

             Before Tara could make the move, you gripped onto her neck and pulled her in for another kiss. Tara felt you smile against her lips before you pulled away, letting out a giggle, “I really like you a lot, Tara. And I’m not going anywhere.”

             Tara’s cheeks ached with how much she was smiling as she rested her hands on your hips, “I don’t intend on letting anything ever happen to you.”

             As you pulled her back in for another kiss, this one more aggressive than the last, Tara felt like the fear in her was melting away. She never thought she’d be able to open up to another person and then there you were, almost like you were sent here to show her she didn’t have to be afraid. Maybe falling fast wasn’t such a bad thing sometimes.

 HEY GUYS I’M GLAD TO BE BACK. I hope this turned out okay. Love you guys so much. Maybe I’ll update one of my stories next? What do you guys think?

[sams-sass]

You Found Me-Epilogue

GIF not mine

Hello! I decided to write an Epilogue to You Found Me because Sam deserves all the happiness in the world. 

Read Parts One through Five Here: 

Part One

Part Two 

Part Three

Part Four

Part Five 

Summary: You and Sam are fucking precious. 

Characters: You, Sam, Dean, Cas, Your friend 

Pairings: Sam x Reader 

Warnings: Fluff. Fluffy and sweet! 

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You were standing in front of the mirror pulling on your dress. You were nervous, your fingers kept running through your hair and you played anxiously with the neckline of your dress. You walked over to your closet and pulled out a pair of heels, sliding them onto your feet. You went to your jewelry box and ran your fingers over the top lightly. This was your mothers jewelry box that her mother had given to her. There was a metal plate that had a weeping willow carved into it that sat nestled in wood. The box and its contents was the only thing you had left from your parents. You opened the top and gently ran your fingers along the navy blue velvet lining holding the jewelry. Your fathers watch sat in a section of its own, it had long ago run out of batteries. You stroked the face of it with your index finger, cautiously tapping it two times like your father used to. Your mothers gold and rose quartz earrings sat in the earring holes that were raised slightly. Finally, in the other compartment was your mothers necklace. The chain was gold and just long enough to place the stone in between and slightly below your collar bones. The stone was in its raw form and a gorgeous lavender color that sparkled no matter what lighting it was in. It was large enough that it covered about an inch of your chest. Your mother hardly ever wore it, but when she did you always thought she looked so beautiful. Your fingers gingerly grabbed the gold chain and a spark ran through you. You gasped and dropped the chain, holding your shocked hand in the other. Your mouth opened and you slowly reached out again to touch the necklace.

Sam adjusted his tie for the millionth time and let out a large breath, giving himself one final glance over in the mirror. He then left the bathroom and made his way to your shared bedroom. He stood in the doorway, halted by your beauty. You were wearing a plum colored dress that hugged your curves, it was low cut and ended just before your knees. The heels you were wearing made Sam lick his lips when he saw your legs. He was about to say something when you picked up a necklace from the jewelry box your mom left you. You let out a gasp as if you had just been shocked. You placed the necklace on your skin and your fingers did the clasp. A gust of wind blew through the bunker and a deep inhale went into your lungs. Your hair flew around your face and your lips parted. Your eyes shown violet, a light was growing out of your chest and hands. The necklace was also illuminated, a bright light the same shade of violet as your eyes grew out of the stone. Your head tilted back slightly and your breathing came in short and fast breaths. Sam was absolutely astounded by you, he couldn’t look away. He had seen you like this quite a few times now, but he could never get over how powerful you were. He walked over to you as the light began to recede back into you. You gasped again and closed your eyes as you placed a hand on your chest. Your feet faltered and Sam grabbed your waist, pulling you against him to steady you. He grabbed your biceps and pushed you away from him slightly to look you over, make sure you were ok. His eyes were wide and his brow was furrowed as he tried to understand what just happened.

“Y/N?” He asked softly as his eyes connected with yours. You were staring at him with a confused expression on your face. You could feel his confusion and anxiety coming off of him. You threw your arms around his neck and passionately kissed him on the lips. He let out a surprised breath but soon folded into the kiss. You suddenly burst into giggles against his lips and he pulled away to give you a questioning look.

“I don’t have to put walls up!” You exclaimed, overcome with joy.

“What?” He was really confused now, his eyebrows coming together into a line.

“I feel in control! Sam, for the first time since I got these powers I actually feel like I can fully control them. I don’t have to put all these walls up to block everything out, I don’t have to worry about touching someone on accident or when I am not focused because I am in control of my powers!”

“I thought it was getting easier for you?” Sam asked, his hand taking yours.

“It was.” You nodded, agreeing. “But, it was exhausting to focus on keeping them up all the time and when I did let the walls down it was almost overwhelming. So many times you, Dean, or Cas would brush past me when I wasn’t focusing on keeping the walls up and I would invade into the deepest parts of your minds. So many times I would be kin the kitchen baking or in the library reading and would forget to put the walls up and the emotions would surround and completely engulf me in feelings that weren’t even my own. It got easier after I healed you and Dean, but sometimes it was all just too much.”

“I am so sorry, baby. Why didn’t you tell us?” Sam asked, taking a step towards you and running his thumb across your cheek.

“I didn’t want to worry you, plus I thought it was just how life had to be so I didn’t see a reason in complaining about it all the time.” You shrugged, tilting your head to the side smiling up at him. “So, now you can’t feel anything?” He asked, you could tell he was disappointed, he had grown to rather enjoy the mental connection you two shared.

“No, I can, that’s what’s amazing! I can still gather all the emotions from everyone just as clearly, its just under my control now so I can judge who and when I gather the emotions. Its perfect!” You were laughing again.

“I love you.” Sam said, looking deep into your eyes. Although he told you everyday it still felt amazing to hear it, a feeling of pure peace filled him every time he said it.

“I love you too, Sam.” You said back, placing a hand on his cheek.

“We are going to be late for dinner, did you remember to pack a bag of warm clothes?” He was serious Sam now, focused and driven.

“Yes.” You replied picking up the bag. “Can you please tell me what’s going on?!” You said, giving him your best puppy dog eyes making him laugh.

“No, now lets go and don’t go picking through my mind either. I want this to be a surprise.” He grabbed your bag and you two made your way to the impala. As curious as you were you listened to Sam and didn’t invade his mind. You were excited to see what he was so excited about. Sam drove to a nice restaurant, you knew about this part. The two of you ate with easy conversation, lingering stares, and shy smiles. You finished and Sam let you change into your warm clothes in the back seat while he kept watch, then you the same for him. He got into the car and you could see him playing with his fingers and nervously tapping his thigh as he drove. He pulled the car into an open field and parked. He got out and opened your door for you before going to the trunk. He pulled out pillows, blankets, wine, and chocolate scones.

“Did you make those?!” You asked, smiling at him.

“I did.” He blushed and sent you a shy glance. You bumped your shoulder against his arm and looked up at him from under your lashes.

“They smell amazing.” You said. You two draped the blankets on the hood of the impala and covered the windshield with pillows. He climbed up first, testing it out. He nodded and you climbed up with him. He spread his arm out allowing you to snuggle into his chest. His fingers twisted through your hair and his lips left kisses on the top of your head.

“The sky is absolutely amazing from here.” You commented. He let out a hum in agreement that made his chest rumble against your cheek.

“Would you like a scone and some wine?” He asked you, you looked up into his face and nodded. He detangled himself from you and got off the hood to get the scones and wine. “I may actually need your help.” He said with a small chuckle. Something was weird, he seemed nervous and excited. His back was to you as he was crouched over the scones. You got off the car and went to stand behind him, he turned still on his knees and lifted his hands to reveal a ring in a small box. You smiled and covered your mouth with your hand, feeling your chin trembling.

“Ok, I know I’m not the most emotional man so please just let me get this out and don’t make fun.” He was staring at you, his dimples were highlighting his smile and the starry night was making his eyes shine. “I knew I was going to care for you the moment you touched me that night with Crowley and showed me how powerful you were. I knew you were going to mean the world to me when Rowena lifted the mark of the witch and you accepted your new responsibility with such grace. I knew that you were the one I wanted to wake up to everyday the first time you kissed me. I knew that I would do absolutely anything for you when I saw you crying that night in the kitchen. I knew I loved you when you nervous baked for me and Dean, showing me how much you cared. And I knew I wanted to marry you and make you mine forever when you healed me. You make me whole, Y/N, you make me the man I have always wanted to be. I will love you as long as I live, will you marry me?” Sam’s whole face was open and honest as he spoke. You could feel the love and adoration pouring out of him. You could actually feel the love he had for you in his heart, almost as if you could see it.

“Yes, Sam, yes!” You barely got the words out before he picked you up into his arms, holding you so tight against his chest. You were both laughing against each other’s lips as you lost yourselves in the passion of pure love.

----------------------------------------------------

One Year Later

You smoothed down your dress and giggled to yourself in the mirror. Your friend ran her hand down your arm, grabbing your hand and leaned her head against your shoulder. The two of you looked at yourselves in the mirror with wide smiles and hopeful eyes.

“You look amazing, Sam’s gonna die.” She placed her hand on your cheek and you smiled at each other. There was a knock on the door, Y/F/N opened the door to find Cas waiting to do his job. He walked in the room and smiled at you, he was so happy it almost surprised you that he could feel an emotion so deeply.

“You look beautiful.” He smiled at you and gave you a polite nod.

“Thank you.” You smiled back, holding his gaze. Your friend walked out first, grabbing her bouquet on the way. Cas stuck out his elbow and you slid your hand into the crease as the two of you walked behind your friend. She walked gracefully down the aisle in her violet dress that she looked absolutely gorgeous in, you saw Dean stand a little taller when he saw her. You bowed your head and smiled at his reaction before glancing at Cas. He gave you a tiny nod and the two of you started walking towards the front of the church. Your eyes found Sam’s and all you could feel was how captivated he was by you. Dean reached up, placing a hand on Sam’s shoulder. Sam’s chest puffed out and relaxed as he took large and hard breaths. The ceremony went beautifully, exactly as you wanted it. The two of you shared a kiss that you literally poured all your love and passion into. The two of you busted out of the doors of the church, laughing the whole time. You climbed into the impala with the man who found you a year and a half ago and all the hope for your future together.

“I love you so much.” You said. Sam picked up your hand and kissed your fingers. 

“I love you too, Mrs. Winchester.” He cupped your face and kissed you passionately before riding to the bunker to celebrate. 

Tags: @hunting-the-grievers​ @mrsfortune1306​

[yourdeepestfathoms]

take me out to the back of the shed (and shoot me in the back of the head)

(Read Anne as Courtney!Anne)

Title is from the song Old Yeller. It’s apparently a TikTok trend song but I first heard it from a furry animation when I was in 8th grade lol

Word count: 3112

Prompt: “Calm down! You’re scaring me!”

———————

“Jane! Jane, look at this painting I made for you!”

“Yeah, yeah- hang on a moment. I’m busy.”

“Jane-”

“In a minute.”

“But-”

“In a minute!”

This is the exchange Anne watched from down the hall- Joan following Jane around with a canvas gripped tightly in her hands like a little duckling and Jane doing her best to pretend the girl didn’t exist. After she was snapped at, Joan moved away slightly, but then perked up, hope glinting in her eyes.

“Okay...I’ll wait in my dressing room, alright?”

“Alright,” Jane said, not really listening to what was being said to her.

“Just come in when you’re done, okay?”

“Okay, Joan.”

“Great!” Joan beamed. “I’ll be waiting!”

With that, Joan turned around and scurried back to her dressing room, an excited smile on her lips. Anne watched her go, waited a moment, then walked to Jane’s room. Inside, the woman seemed to be packing up to leave for the day.

“You’re going to go see Joan, right?”

Jane looked up as she was grabbing her purse. She sniffed, nostrils flaring slightly, clearly miffed.

“She can wait.”

“She would starve to death by the time you finally got around to seeing her,” Anne pointed out, leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed over her chest. She raised an eyebrow at Jane as if to add, “Am I wrong?”

“I have other things to do.” Jane said, sliding past the comment instead of facing it head on.

“Like what? Knit? Watch Love Island? Cuddle Kitty for the hundredth time?” Anne narrowed her eyes in an accusing stare. She’s been defensive of Joan ever since the Live where the music director fell asleep in her lap. “All of that stuff will still be there after you take ten minutes to go see what Joan made for you.”

Jane’s soft, kind facial features contort into that of a snarling white tiger’s- teeth bared, eyes alight, ears pinned back. But Anne wasn’t scared of her- not anymore. Deep down, she knew that Jane was nothing but a scared little kitten trapped in a circus cage.

“Joan isn’t my main priority,” Jane said dismissively, but the tiger’s claws remained unsheathed. “I don’t have to do anything for her.”

“Jane, that girl would take a bullet for you.” Anne said, stalking closer. Her voice went into a low whisper- a growl of sorts. “You know that, Jane. She would do anything for you.”

It was like a stare down between a tiger and a mountain lion- neither wanted to back down or step away.

“Why can’t you just be a good person? I’m not asking you to sign adoption forms for the kid, I’m asking you to just be a friend to her and go see what she wants to show you. It’s not that hard. It’s— her presence isn’t going to strike you dead! Just go look at her painting!”

Jane stared into Anne’s smoldering eyes, adjusted the strap of her purse hanging from her shoulder, and stepped past her towards the door.

“Kitty needs me.” She merely said.

“Of course she does,” Anne rolled her eyes. “It’s not like there’s three other fucking people living in that house than can respond to her every beck and call.”

Jane didn’t reply, as she was already out the door and making her way to the lobby by the time Anne finished her grumbled comment.

Anne considered going after her and dragging her to Joan’s dressing room by the hair, but she didn’t want to give the woman anymore thought. So, instead, she went to the dressing room herself and her heart broke a little when she saw Joan sitting patiently in the chair at her desk, legs swinging back and forth excitedly, smiling down at the canvas in her hands. Her head snapped up when she heard Anne step inside, but her expression dimmed when she saw that it wasn’t the silver queen.

“Oh. Hey, Anne.”

“What? Am I really that bad company?” Anne said teasingly.

“No,” Joan said, giggling slightly. “I just- I thought you were Jane.”

Anne frowned. She walked over to the girl and set a hand on her shoulder. Joan looked up with those adorable, glistening lamb eyes of hers and the words momentarily caught in Anne’s throat.

“I don’t think Jane is coming, dear.”

Joan blinked. Anne knew she knew what she meant, but she was trying to not believe it by playing dumb.

“What do you mean?” She asked.

“She just left.” Anne answered gently.

Like that, all hope and excitement is gone in a flash, replaced with deep sadness that forms over Joan’s head like a thick, dark rain cloud. She looked down at the painting lying in her lap and clenched her fists tightly around the edges.

“Oh.” She whispered.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Anne said. She looked down at the canvas, too, and before her eyes soft watercolors and metallic paints and dark line-art came together brilliantly to form the beautiful painting of Jane Seymour. It was a bust shot of her in her show costume, but she was also adorned in shimmering strings of diamonds and pearls and topazes, and had a sparkling crystal crown sitting atop her head.

“This is beautiful, Joan!” Anne exclaimed honestly, because it absolutely was true. Joan truly was skilled with paints and pencils. “You’re so talented.”

“Thanks,” Joan replied, slightly disconnected. She appreciated the comment, Anne knew she loved praise, but she didn’t want to hear it from the green queen.

She wanted to hear it from the silver one.

Joan sighed and stood up, and Anne half expected her to destroy the painting or throw it away, but a tiny, hopeful smile actually tugged at her lips.

“I’m just going to leave it on her makeup table,” She said. “So- so it’ll be the first thing she sees tomorrow!”

Anne smiled and gently rubbed the girl’s head.

“That’s a good idea, Joey!” She said, even though she knew the odds of Jane actually going to Joan and telling her how much she loved the piece of art were very slim.

Still, for the time being, it cheered Joan up and she beamed at Anne before hurrying to go put the canvas in its place. Anne’s smile disappeared the moment she was out of sight and she sighed. She made a mental note to stay up until 11:11 that night so she could try wishing. Might as well see if the superstition was true.

———

Anne ended up falling asleep way before 11:11, but it didn’t matter because she knew trying to wish on a set of ones on her phone screen and alarm clock wouldn’t have made a difference since Jane would still be prancing around the theater like she is now, as if she hadn’t been gifted a gorgeous work of art. Anne wasn’t even sure if she had even seen the painting, but upon peeking inside the dressing room and seeing that the canvas was moved to the side of one of the makeup tables proved that Jane had, in fact, seen it.

She just didn’t care.

And that made Anne furious.

Poor Joan. She didn’t even have time to warn or distract the girl before she was skittering up to Jane with excitement glittering in her eyes.

“Jane!”

Jane sighed as she was getting a cup of coffee from the break room. If Joan heard the noise, she didn’t acknowledge it and just kept up her eager demeanor.

“Hello, Joan,” Jane said. All evidence of the warmth she had been speaking to Kitty with just a few minutes earlier was now gone.

“Did you see my painting? The one I made for you?” Joan asked. “I waited for you yesterday, but you didn’t come in and I just assumed you were too busy, so I left it on your table! It was there, right? Did you see it? Or did it get moved? Was it there?”

“Joan!” Jane growled, her hand clenching tightly around the cup she was holding. The sudden sharpness in her voice made the girl before her step back slightly. “Joan.” She smoothed out her tone, but remained as caring as Zira from The Lion King 2. “I saw it, yes. It was there.”

The momentary flash of fear and anxiety from getting yelled at disappeared from Joan’s eyes. She perks back up again, her feet now shuffling and tapping happily on the floor (her “Happy Feet”, as it's been dubbed by Maria).

“Oh! Great!” If she had a tail, it would definitely be wagging. Or if she were alone, she’d probably be frolicking around the room like a happy little lamb. “So? What did you think? Did you love it? I mean—like it? Did you like it?”

“It was nice,” Jane said, trying to swerve around Joan and her radiation of glee blocking the path to the door.

“Really?” Joan wanted more. She wanted more than just ‘nice.’ She needed more. “I’m really glad, Jane, because it was the first time I tried out watercolors and metallic paints together in one painting so I had no idea how it would turn out but it seemed to be good, right? I mean- obviously! You just said it was nice! B-but, umm-” She watched Jane walk for the door without really listening to her. She followed after her desperately. “S-so— Are you gonna hang it up?”

That’s what got Jane to stop. She turned to the girl impatiently fidgeting behind her and looked at her as if there were elephants parading out of her ears.

“Why would I do that?”

Up until that moment, Joan had been looking at Jane in a way that made it seem like there were swelling hearts in her eyes. But those hearts just broke with that single comment. Joan is left scrambling to pick up the pieces, but can barely catch anything, as all her hope also bleeds out through her fingers.

“B-because I...I made it. For you.” She said meekly.

“Fans make me stuff all the time but you don’t see me putting it on the fridge,” Jane chuckled, actually quite amused by the situation. “It was nice, Joan. And I appreciate it. No need to push it farther than that, because then it’ll just get weird. Like I’m worshiping a simple drawing or something.” She laughed again, then continued her stride out the door.

Joan was distraught, but as she watched the queen leave, her words fully sinking in, anger bubbled up inside of her. She grit her teeth, fingers clenching into fists. She could feel the ram horns poke uncomfortably against her forehead and slowly breach from her flesh, primed for blood.

“It’s not just some simple drawing, you—!!”

That’s all she could yell before Jane wheeled back around and stared at her from the hallway. Then, she enters once again and Joan backs up in fear, as if she were being stalked by a starving white tiger. She could almost see it in Jane’s face, but her teeth weren’t bared. Her lips were just set in a startling flat line that brought out the horror of the rest of her blank features.

“What? What?” Jane prodded. “I’m what?”

“Nothing...” Joan squeaked, hunching her shoulders in and lowering her head.

“I’m what, Joan?”

“Nothing!”

“A jerk? A prick? A bitch? A cunt? What am I, Joan?”

“Nothing! You’re nothing!” Joan cried. “I’m sorry!”

Jane had Joan cornered- literally. The girl was backed up in the far corner of the room near the window, which she glanced at for just a moment, as if she were considering jumping out of it to get away from the queen’s sterling wrath.

Jane calmly set down her cup of coffee on the nearby counter and laced her fingers together against her stomach. Her gaze was callous and cruel, offering absolutely no pity to the girl cowering beneath her uncaring stare.

“I’m going to explain this to you once, Joan, so you better listen because I will not tell it to you again.” She said. Her words are slithering slowly from her lips like venomous snakes, scaly and fanged. They bite Joan’s ears, pumping their poison into her brain no matter how hard she tried to combat them. “Nod if you understand that.”

Joan nodded shakily. She isn’t making eye contact, rather focusing her gaze on the floor and nothing else.

“I am not your mother figure.” Jane said bluntly, not even bothering to sugarcoat the comment. She was so tired of having Joan trying to force her way into her life. “You are not my daughter.”

With just those two simple sentences, it was as if Joan’s entire life just ended. It didn’t just come crashing down to her feet- it was over. She was nothing without her queen.

“B-but—”

“You are not my daughter.” Jane repeated coldly. “Do you understand me?”

This time, Joan doesn’t nod.

Jane narrowed her eyes dangerously.

“Nod, Joan.”

“Wh-what about—Kitty-”

“Don’t bring her up, Joan. This isn’t about her.” Jane warned lowly.

But Joan couldn’t stop the words that began to bubble up in her throat. Her voice comes out way too loud and way too shrill and way too desperate, but she can’t choke it back.

“Why? What does she have that I don’t? What did I do? What can I do to make you love me like that? Why her? What makes her so—”

The sound of a slap resonates through the room.

Joan was hit so hard she actually stumbled into the wall. She tentatively touches her stinging cheek, which burns upon contact, then looks up in fear at Jane, whose hand is slightly red from the force she had used.

There is no remorse present in the queen’s steel grey eyes.

“Do NOT speak of my daughter in that way again, you vile little pest!” Jane roared. Her old self, her fearsome queen self slips out in her words, and it chills Joan to the bone. “I will bring your guts into your mouth if you even THINK to do it again!”

It’s as if Jane was dehorning Joan- grabbing onto the ram horns with strong, clawed hands and twisting and twisting and twisting until they snapped off and are pulled out of her flesh with copious squirts of blood pouring free, leaving twin gaping red horrors open in her head.

“C-calm down!” Joan squeaked. “You’re scaring me!”

“And you WONDER why I don’t want to be your mother figure!” Jane went on, ignoring the plea. “I could list a hundred reasons right now and that still wouldn’t be enough to explain to you about how much I don’t want you as a daughter!” Joan doesn’t ask for any of them, but they’re still shoved down her throat anyway. “You’re clingy, you’re needy, you expect everyone to like you, you’re always tugging at my sleeve, you seem to think everything is about you, you act like a complete attention whore, to name a few! Why would I EVER want to be the mother to someone like you?”

“HEY!!”

It was like watching two big cats fight on a wildlife documentary- Anne seemed to come out of nowhere and charged her entire body into Jane’s, sending them both slamming into the back wall.

They tussle and squirm for a moment, snapping and hissing and clawing, and then Anne’s hand closed around Jane’s neck. Not enough to choke her, but enough to shove her head back up against the plaster and grind her skull into it.

“Anne, get off of me—”

“You bitch! You fucking bitch—”

“Get off—”

“You’re absolutely—”

“Stop—”

“What gives you the fucking right—”

“Let go—”

“You deserve to—”

Jane shoved Anne’s shoulders with both hands, causing the woman to totter backwards before she regained her footing. She almost lunged at the silver queen again, but somehow managed to tame herself enough to not pounce on her like a puma and gouge her eyes out, as much as she wanted to at that moment.

“You are SICK!” Anne yelled.

“You were about to strangle me!” Jane fired back.

“Yeah? Well, I wish I fucking did! Because God knows you deserved it!”

Anne paused her spray of fire to look at Joan, who was hunched against the wall, knees buckled and barely holding her up, tears streaming from her eyes, one hand cupping her swollen, red-purple cheek. Anne snapped her head back to Jane, bloodlust and rage blistering in her eyes.

“Did you fucking hit her?” She snarled.

“She was being a—”

“BULLSHIT!” Anne snapped, cutting Jane off. “That’s not what I fucking asked! Did you hit Joan?”

Jane just glared at Anne, as if she were an angry child that didn’t get the toy they wanted.

“Oh my god,” Anne half gasped, half laughed. “You absolute cunt! You really think that nobody else in this world matters, huh? Some ‘cast mother figure’ you are. It’s just you and that spoiled little weasel you keep on a harness!”

Despite loving Kitty to death, Anne couldn’t care about the comment she just made about her baby cousin because it was true.

Jane went to say something, went to somehow defend her actions, but Anne was talking again.

“I get it now! I finally understand!” She said. “You didn’t die of natural causes at all! You died from God striking you down because he KNEW what a horrible, cruel mother you would have been. He SAVED Edward from you!”

Finally, that’s what got Jane to crack. And, damn, it felt good to watch horror twist up her features.

“You really do have a heart of stone.” Anne spit.

She crossed over to Joan, who had been crying silently, and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, helping her stand. The poor thing was shaking so badly.

“Come on, sweetie,” She whispered, her tone softening in an instant. “Let’s go.”

Joan staggered for a moment, nearly collapsing, but Anne managed to hold her up. She grappled onto the queen’s shirt and Anne could see that her cheek was definitely bruising.

“Oh, Joan…” Rage bubbles in her veins. She hears the girl whimper. “Shh, it’s okay. I’ve got you. I’m not going to let her hurt you ever again.”

Anne casts a dark look at Jane.

Jane does nothing but stare forward blankly, lost in her own memories.

“Come on. Let’s go get something for your cheek.”

Joan didn’t resist. She let Anne guide her out of the room.

But not without Anne shooting out one last comment.

“Oh, and I’ll make sure to vote for you as Mother of The Year, Jane.”

[rambles-fairy]

I have cracked. After watching all the hilarious YouTube commentaries, I have decided to watch After. It is on, as background noise while I try to write. I will come back up to the top here to give movie updates as I go.

After Commentary

The first move update is that the main girl’s boyfriend just gave her (Tessa) the most awkward sway hug, where they rocked side to side like toddlers. Nice.

Oh. Wow. The acting of the English dude is top notch. And the English accent is awful, even though I think he might actually be English – like they made him do an Extra Special accent for the film. Tessa’s acting isn’t too bad.

Okay Tessa’s boyfriend is a holier than thou killjoy – he tells her off for partying. At uni. Partying… which is what people do at uni. And they are in a long term relationship but have never had sex, which seems unusual for 18 year olds who are serious enough to do long distance?

The girl who plays Tessa is hella pretty.

The dude playing the love interest seems slightly dead eyed all the time. He is meant to be looking intense I think, but he just looks like an android.

Tessa and the boyfriend (not the love interest lol!) has all the charisma and allure of a bag of dry, unflavoured quinoa.

Tessa’s controlling harpy mother is ghastly and has cut her off financially, for breaking up with her awful boyfriend and sleeping with the new love interest. I mean, how weird is that? I think a boy might ruin your life so I will try to ruin it first?

Oh no, they are now at the wedding of the love interest’s dad, who seems to be a low key asshole and I can feel the tension building. I feel the fear! I am, however, unexpectedly enjoying this film more than I thought I would given how badly panned it was.

Aw I liked that more than I expected to, and I was sad at the end that it went so wrong.

Journal Notes

I have a lot of jumbled thoughts and worries so lets just brain dump for now and then I can spend the next three weeks writing things which are, perhaps, a slightly more coherent story.

The first thing is that I feel oddly lonely. And maybe that is because I am back in Tier 4 lockdown? Even though I sort of already was, since I wasn’t going anywhere except the supermarket for food. But maybe it is a mental thing? I go through the social anxiety cycle where I will text people a lot and then I don’t get many replies and I am sure that it is because people have lives – I can be horrible at replying, but then I feel awkward and ashamed of being me. The second reason is that I miss M. I had my end of year review and I found out that he nominated me for employee of the year, and the feedback was super kind and nice (said my boss) and I listened to it all, pretending she was talking about someone else, and looking happy. Inside I felt like an ice block had been dropped into my chest. After the call I sort of sat and missed him, quietly, for a long while.

So yeah, I feel lonely.

The second thing is that I was on a call. I was talking about something I usually know a lot about but I ended up getting something wrong – on the call I said that something wasn’t the case, when it was, and I disagreed with the person who actually was saying the right thing. I hate making mistakes, and with my current social anxiety issues, itupset me a lot. I wasn’t rude, I wasn’t even “I am right” – I was more confused and saying “this isn’t normally the case, I don’t think it is x” and after I researched it and found I was wrong, I contacted the person to apologise for my mistake and confirm that she was correct, not me. But still, it is really bothering me, and I feel really stupid and bad at my job and just like an idiot generally. I keep getting flash backs to the call, and being like “I have never heard of that being the case” and the other people assuming I was right, not the other person, when I was talking bollocks.

Kill me.

And I still miss almost everyone I have ever had feelings for in the past 5 years, on some level. Not just M – although him the most due partly because of proximity of time and also because he seemed to adore me and I enjoyed messing around with him way more than I have with other people recently. And not recently too, since I am hardly the hookup Queen.

I was doing okay until recently but I feel a bit of a mess right now. Which is usually when I write. I also want to write more about the good things, like the things I learn or read about.

Like being on the sky news Instagram page and reading people’s comments on lockdown. People have such strange views – a lot of people were saying that they thought lockdown was an infringement on their rights – like not being allowed to get wasted at the pub is a tyrannical decision and it would be better to allow total freedom, regardless how many people die in the process. I am not very pro-anarchy apparently. I think that people should try and help other people, and live in consideration of the people around them. I mean, not to the point where you lose yourself – you are important too, but so are other people.

I feel so full of self-doubt. I miss the feeling I had when I was at uni and I never really felt that. I miss learning. I feel so useless at the moment. And like I will never be anyone’s favourite person. All in all I feel a bit lost again. I have felt lost for most of my life.

I miss the way M used to say he always wanted to look after me, forever. At the time I said that he couldn’t say that to me because it might not end up being true. And I was right, to be fair – I still think he was still properly married – but I miss that feeling, that no matter what, someone loves you and you love them and you feel less alone.

But then being lonely, for me, is about not feeling connected to something – not just humans and love – it is when I feel cut off from the universe more generally. Like I am not connecting to my life purpose in some strange way.

One good thing about being an adult, is always being able to have a box of lindor in the fridge. Ten out of ten, would recommend. The coconut ones are so good. And all the rest to be fair!! I really love strawberries and white chocolate too. Beaut. Keeping them in the fridge means that they are really sort of crunchy, which I love.

I think writing has helped a bit. I am human and even though I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin in shame and awkwardness and feeling like everyone must hate me. I feel that way a lot, like everyone around me thinks I am an idiot. I feel like I have real difficulties connecting to people, and I always have this dark need to connect with someone completely – to become part of them, and for them to become part of me, like a single being. I guess that isn’t healthy, but when I fall in love with someone it is all encompassing and I adore them. This is not the first time I have said this, but I should probably learn to love myself better.

[shingeki-no-scenarios]

Title: How Do I Look?

Characters: Connie Springer x Fem!OC

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: N/A

Summary:  Nothing is more nerve-wracking than the first date.

A/N: Taken from this request :) I hope I was able to supply the fluff you wanted, dear :D

On a rare off-day like this, it was expected of the cadets to spend their time catching up on much-needed rest, or taking a trip away from the headquarters to visit their families, leaving the place in a quiet, serene state, giving the higher-up’s a bit more peace. On this particular off-day, however, the boys’ barracks were filled with an excited buzz as Connie got ready for his date with the most popular girl in the squad.

Suggestions and comments on how he should do his outfit and greeting were flying off from every corner of the room, along with cheesy and overused pick-up lines. Shaking his head and chuckling, Connie let the flurry of words enter one ear and exit the other. The excited chatter did nothing to help calm his nerves, therefore he opted to block it out to focus on looking and feeling his best.

“Mints.” Marco’s gentle voice rose above the noisy chatter as he gingerly placed a box of breath mints in the breast pocket of Connie’s crisp dress shirt. “Never forget the breath mints.” he added, smiling at his dear friend through the mirror.

“Thanks, man.” he replied, returning the smile with his bright one as he reaches out to place a firm pat on the other’s shoulder. As annoyed as he was by the noise, he was more than grateful that his companions were looking out for him to make sure that everything went smoothly.

Once he was satisfied with how everything came together, he turned to face the boys with a confident grin adorned on his face. The room was automatically filled with thunderous cheers and generous compliments about how dashing he looked. Jokingly, he returned the reaction with exaggerated bows and a rather cocky shrug.

“You look great, Connie.” Eren grinned, raising two thumbs up at him. “I mean, you usually look great, but it’s different when you’re all dressed up like this.” he quickly corrected himself, blushing lightly at what his previous statement could have implied.

“God, Jaeger. You’re gross.” Jean chided, slightly shuddering at how cliche Eren sounded. A sharp “fuck you” was immediately sent his way, urging him to initiate a cussing match with his fre-nemy.

Before things got even uglier than they were between his comrades, Connie gave the entire squad one last goodbye before making an exit.

––

“Still no.” she muttered, pouting slightly at her reflection before moving to peel off her skirt.

Her statement elicited a collective groan from the girls, who were obviously starting to get a bit impatient and exhausted from her indecisiveness with regards to her outfit. As much as they understood that her first date with her long-time crush was important, they didn’t understand what was so difficult about adhering to a “casual” dress code. Watching her get ready was surely fun and exciting, but it started to become a chore after her third outfit change.

“I’m very sorry, girls. It’s not my fault that nothing matches” she mumbled, running a hand through her hair in frustration. “Perhaps I should just cancel the date.” she sighed, flopping back on the bed. While she was aware that the date would be a simple day out, she still wanted to emphasize her charms and impress every fiber in his body. After all, scoring a mere date with him still took a lot of work.

Sasha was the first one to shake her head and make a move to pull her out of bed. Firmly but gently, she cupped the other’s face and offered a bright smile, successfully eliciting a small grin from her. The other’s positive reaction was more than enough to get her to take the girl by the wrist and pull her towards the enormous pile of clothes.

“We’ll work something, okay?” she chirped before harshly digging through the heaping amount of fabric. Soon enough, she was joined by Historia, who was quick to pull out a lovely white dress from the pile and proudly wave it about.

“You have to wear this!” she exclaimed, seemingly more excited than the lady who was about to go on a date. “It’s casual but absolutely beautiful. It’ll have that boy falling head over heels for you, don’t you think?” she asked with a wide grin whilst turning the dress this way and that.

Finally, the butterflies in her stomach calmed down as her innate confidence made its way back to her. Grinning a bit wider, she willingly followed the girls and stepped behind the folding screen, more than ready to get all dolled-up and pretty.

––

The sun was high in the sky, giving off humidity that was more than enough for every single person in the town square to sweat buckets. Thankfully, Connie was in the right mind to bring a handkerchief, therefore he wasn’t worried about looking like a sticky, sweaty mess once they meet.

What worried him, however, was how long she was taking. While a five-minute delay was still forgivable, it filled him with anxiety and added more jitters. Inhaling and exhaling deeply, he tried to focus on the kids playing dodgeball just to decrease his impatience and overthinking.

Just when he thought that she probably bailed out on him and the entire thing was a prank, the most melodic voice he’s ever heard called out to him, making his name seem like a graceful hymn– finally, she had arrived. Eagerly, he whipped his head to the side and jolted up to greet her, only to have his heart race and jaw fall slack.

"Connie?” she called out, obviously concerned at how vacant and quiet he was whilst staring at her like she had grown a third eye. She started to feel self-conscious and prayed to the gods that she could turn back time so that she could wear the black skirt and gray blouse was initially planning to go with. Certainly, she would look less silly and appalling in that.

“I-I’m sorry.” he stuttered out, giving his head a quick shake to get him out of his reverie upon noticing how quiet it got. He knew that she would look perfect as always, but he never thought that she could look even better than that.

The way she glowed in her gorgeous yet simple dress further emphasized the natural beauty that caught his eye in the first place (her personality followed, and it definitely sealed the deal). He thanked all the deities he could think of, as he was able to have at least one date with the most gorgeous girl in the world. At that moment, he wished that the day would never come to an end.

“You just... you look beautiful.” he muttered, grinning sheepishly as a light blush made its way to her cheeks. Upon hearing him utter those words, her expression changed from bashful to one that exuded confidence without being too arrogant. “I love you– I mean, it! I love it. I love your look... yeah.” he rambled, mentally cursing himself for his misstep.

You look so dreamy and dashing, was what she wanted to say, but instead, she decided to settle for something less weird. Giggling, she graciously expressed her thanks before returning the compliment, making sure that her “you look very handsome” was uttered with sincerity. After all, she didn’t want to seem like she was complimenting him out of courtesy– she truly meant it.

“Thanks.” he chuckled dryly as a hand went up to scratch the back of his head. “Shall... Shall we go? There’s this amazing ice cream parlor down the road.” he kindly offered, starting to feel the heat of the sun get to him.

Upon getting her approval, he boldly stuck out his arm, implying that she should link her arm with his. Rolling her eyes, she gently put his arm down before nervously moving to place her soft, trembling hand in his. If not now, then when?, was what she thought of just make her feel better about her shamelessness that was starting to mock her and fill her with regret. She really wanted to hold his hand, after all– she always had been wanting to do so.

Albeit red in the face, he gathered every fiber of courage that he had in his body before linking his fingers with hers. Seeing that she didn’t mind made him feel better about it, therefore urging him to move along and take relaxed steps towards their destination while she followed.

“Let’s go!” he exclaimed, taking quicker paces this time. With a laugh, she matched his pace with his and held his hand tighter, basking in the warm ambiance brought about by the sun and the growing love between them.

[datingadviceonreddit]

I'll start off with a little information about myself. This will be a long post, but I want to tell the whole story as best I can. I am desperate for good advice.I'm 28(m). I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life and I tend to get addicted to things easily and have a problem with obsessing over things. I'm not sure if I'm an aspie, because I normally don't have any problems socializing with people and they tell me I'm normal, although I do tend to avoid social situations, especially crowded places. A few years ago I had a problem at work and I ended up quitting and falling into a severe depression. I would sleep 12+ hours a day, started smoking pot again (which I get extremely addicted to) and playing video games all day. It was my escape from the world, as I slowly spiraled into a dark, lonely and hopeless place, expending my savings and running up credit card debt to survive.I've never been in a relationship, or a serious one for that matter. I've been on dates with many girls, but never a 2nd date. I have confidence issues and I guess I come across as a nice guy, trying too hard, etc. I definitely don't hate women though, I know the issue is me. What's weird is I am actually a really attractive guy and I notice girls admiring me everywhere I go, yet I'm too afraid to strike conversation. I've sort of built a wall and convinced myself that I will be alone forever.So after contemplating suicide for many months, I decided to try and get my old job back and restore my life. I started working again about a year ago and got into trading stocks and for the first time in years I actually feel good about myself. I know if I keep working hard and saving, I'll be able to buy a house in a couple years. I'm enjoying my hobbies again and taking care of myself. I love myself, I am ready to find a woman now.I ended up joining Tinder back in January of this year, matched with this girl and we immediately hit it off. Conversation comes naturally and we have so much in common, but she lives in NYC and I live on Long Island and I think we both know this will be difficult. She's also a bit older than me at 37, but neither of us have a problem with it. We talk almost every day, she tells me she's just looking for a friend because she's in a rough situation and not ready for a relationship. She tells me she thinks I'm a nice guy and that girls are crazy for not going for guys like me. She says she has chronic lyme disease and her life is currently a mess. She was in an abusive relationship with a guy who has a crack addiction(who was in jail until recently), he siphoned her savings because she's selfless and tries to help people(like me) and now she's living in a run-down apartment in Chinatown just trying to build her life up again. I really like this girl, but I can tell she's just too much work and I start to give up on her. She seemed hopeless at this point so I stop talking to her and pursue other girls. She kept messaging me about once a week, but my responses were short and I eventually told her that I really didn't think it would work between us. She said she understood and that she would leave me alone.Fast forward to March and me being the nice guy I am, told her I think she should leave the city because I'm really worried about the Coronavirus and NYC will likely get hit hard, possibly chaos if the virus is really bad. She ends up moving to Texas for a while to stay with an old friend. We start talking again and she thanks me for warning her about the virus (this was a week or two before the lockdowns). She tells me she's trying to better her life, might have a job opportunity in Texas, but doesn't have a car. I offer to lend her money and she tells me that she couldn't, that most people would take advantage, that I shouldn't trust her.. but I really felt bad for her and I wanted to show her that I trust her, so I insist. I told her I really liked her and I wanted to give her a little boost to help her get her life in order, she can pay me back any time and that the foundation for relationships are trust and I wanted her to know I trust her. I figure the worst that can happen is she doesn't pay me back and then I'll know she wasn't worth it. Her birthday comes in April and I tell her Happy Birthday and she freaks out... telling me I am the only one who remembered, not even her family (who she doesn't talk to anymore). She finds a car that week and I lend her the money and from this point on I am committed to this person. We're talking every day, she's always sending me <3s in her messages and telling me how great I am, how she never thought she would find such a strong and honest man on Tinder, not looking for hookups, etc. I can tell it's genuine, this girl has had a very troubled past and I feel like her hero. This goes on for a while and I can feel myself slowly falling for her. I really get the impression she has strong feelings for me too. We talk about everything.So she tells me she's coming back to NYC in May and we will meet for the first time. We end up meeting at my favorite park and spend the day hiking around and walking. It was lovely. She stares deep into my eyes when she talks to me, tells me how she feels so comfortable with me like we've known each other forever, she laughs at all my jokes, she asks me tons of questions about my life and seems to remember everything I've ever told her. This girl is smart. She's making a lot of contact with me as well, bumping into me, touching me etc.. although I am nervous and scared to touch her. I give her a big hug at the end, she tells me she wants to do it again next weekend and we part our ways. This was the best first date I've ever had. I am ecstatic.This is where things start to get confusing. She tells me her ex is now out of jail and he's been harassing her, calling her all day, changing numbers after she blocks him. She calls me in the middle of the night crying, saying he tricked her into seeing him (because he owes her money). I told her I really want to knock this guys teeth out but she insists she doesn't want to get me involved, that she's just too nice and too weak and she can see the child in him and doesn't want to hurt the guy. She said the guy told her she's nothing without him, she needs him, generally twisted stuff. She then tells me she thinks she has borderline personality disorder and she was abused as a child and this is why she ends up with guys like this. She has very low self-worth. I comfort her and she thanked me. I'm a bit thrown off by this, but I have sympathy for her and tell myself I just need to show this girl what a great guy I am and she'll come to me.Over the next week I can tell this girl is acting differently. She seems really depressed and distant now. Taking longer to reply to my messages, no longer using <3s in them, etc. I call her and tell her that I think she needs to move out of the city away from this guy and she agrees, but she just needs a little time to save up some money and take care of a few things. She's been doordashing like crazy, making more than I do actually. Says it's an addiction and it helps her keep her mind off things. She says she'll be able to pay me back and we make plans to meet at the beach the following week.We meet at the beach this past week and when she shows up, she's on the phone with her ex. She's yelling at him, saying you'll go back to jail if you don't stop calling me and says IT'S OVER as she hangs up. She told me that he's jealous because of me. I buy it. I mean it makes sense right? The guy is a piece of shit and I'm this great guy who lent her money without even meeting her and is helping her to better her life. So we end up having a great time at the beach. She pays me back the money I lent her and calms down and we spend a good 8 hours relaxing and talking. We rub each others backs and make a lot of contact. Lot's of laughter, honestly one of the best days of my life. It really doesn't seem like I'm getting friend-zoned so as we get back to our cars I tell her I really like her and want to kiss her. She says she thinks it should be a natural thing that happens and I agree, but I tell her she lives so far away and we can't meet every day and if we kiss then I'll know this isn't just friendship and I will stop worrying. She gets up and grabs my face and gives me a short, but really passionate kiss, smiles and then we say goodnight.Okay, so now I am in the clouds... I go to work the next day and it's like I'm a new man. I am feeling things I've never felt before. Food has lost it's taste and I feel like I am going to pass out. I text her, tell her how much fun I had and we should do it again and she doesn't reply. I can't sleep. I start messaging her about how I think she still has feelings for her ex. I told her it's really unfair to me and that I've been nothing but honest with her and I feel like she doesn't trust me. I kinda came across as needy I guess. Nothing. Part of me feels like I should back off, but the other part of me feels like I should try harder so that's what I do. I keep messaging her and she eventually gets back to me and says she's just been feeling really sick (because of chronic lyme disease) and I need to stop worrying so much. I tell her I'm sorry. We both have a problem of over-thinking things and letting our thoughts get the better of us. This is honestly one of the things I really like about this girl. We both seem to struggle with mental issues. She says I am her masculine and she is my feminine.So I spent the last couple days thinking hard about everything. I get the impression that this girl has some serious trust and abandonment issues. I'm researching chronic lyme disease and from what I gather, it's not a real diagnosis, but she assures me the pain she is feeling is real. I personally think it's depression, because I know from experience that it can cause physical pain similar to what she describes. Join pains, muscle pains, weakness, fatigue, etc. She insists its lyme. It's like when she's in the city she is a different person, but when she's with me she is calm, relaxed and much happier. I really feel like this girl loves me, but I'm not sure. I think she's struggling between doing what's right and what is easy and her ex is familiar to her and easy. I decided to tell her we needed to talk and that it's very important. I told her I needed to get some things off my chest and I wanted her to listen and take it seriously and think about it. She called me this morning and this is what I said:I started off by apologizing for coming across as needy lately, that I know she's going through a lot and doesn't need some guy badgering her when she needs to focus on herself and that I felt very selfish. Then I started to tell her how I feel about her. I told her I've never felt this way about anyone before, that I thought I knew what love was until I met her. I said I think she is an amazing person, who has had a really troubled life and is dealing with some serious problems (like me). This is when I began to get overwhelmed and started crying. I really poured my heart out to this girl. I told her she deserves better and that even if she doesn't end up with me, she needs to find a guy who will treat her right. She said she feels bad, that I shouldn't cry for her and that she's told me she isn't ready for a relationship and that isn't going to change. That she needs to deal with her chronic lyme disease first and then figure out what she wants to do with her life, if she will move somewhere else, etc. I told her I had no intentions of falling for her, but the more I got to know her and realize she was just like me, I just couldn't control it. I told her she will meet 3 different kinds of guys in her life. Those who don't know what she's going through and won't be able to support her emotionally, those who do and will abuse her (her ex) and those who struggle as well and know how to deal with these issues (guys like me). I told her I will never judge her, she can tell me anything and that I will always be there for her, but that I am getting mixed feelings from her. She told me she's thought about it, but just doesn't know. She sounded very cold during the whole conversation. I told her I would give her space now and let her think for a while and if she ever needs somebody to talk to then I'll be here and that was that. The last thing she said to me was "thank you" in a very sad voice.Now I'm sitting here and I feel like empty. I'm not sure if I hurt this girl. I feel like I abandoned her and now she will think I'm just like the rest. I want to wait for her to come back to me, but I don't know if I can. I can't stop thinking about her.. I really need help. I don't know what to do. Thank you to anyone who reads this! via /r/dating_advice

[sexymetalhaggis]

Fuck.

So, whatever my pet problem is...it has reared its massively ugly head.

No matter the signs given that they like me, my brain is fizzing away with weird anxieties and constantly second guessing my actions and their responses.

Waited over 24 hours after they had messaged a one-word reply because I thought I was bothering them/boring, and to let them message me first so I know it's okay to talk. They didn't. I broke down and messaged asking them out to dinner on Wednesday and they haven't yet read the message but I'm still freaking out and catastrophising.

We had such promising messages, full of in-depth questions and interesting topics. No wonder I felt amazingly enamoured, with what we have in common. But now I'm worried all has gone wrong. That somehow I've ruined it already by being too into it, messaging too much, or not interesting enough. That sort of shit.

Now it would, were it someone else, be relatively easy for me to just think "oh well, nevermind" and slightly bounce back, though what I assume less-so than the average person. However, since I first set eyes on them I realised (whilst I've never had a type) "oh shit, they are my ideal human", and now I've got to know them a little there's sooooo much I like about them. Kinda makes it hard to let go as easily.

I think, because they're 'jaggy' (sarcastic, misanthropic, barbed jokes etc), it puts me on edge. Ever cautious of becoming the object of their ire or some such. Once this happens it's not long before I'm 'seeing' signs of their disinterest (interpreting benign looks or comments as a negative sign. Which, whilst I can catch them and intellectually reconsider, the emotional impact remains).

I think what I imagine has happened is that I was cool and interesting whilst messaging, relaxed but nervous at drinks on Wednesday, smooth and all that whilst messaging about dinner after, kept messages nice next day and then kinda lost myself. Worried for ages about messaging on Friday, then did and asked to come see their gig...

Then I was an awkward twat. Started not so bad, was cool and calm, saw a shyness to them onstage I hadn't realised existed. Was eye opening and kinda sweet. Then I sort of fumbled about and was a bit lost. They took the reigns of conversation after the show whilst smoking and I guess I feel I was acting a bit awkward (certainly felt it by this point. Mainly nerves, but also my general mental-block when talking to someone I like after the pet monster wakes up).

Got a lift home (their car is awesome), and wrote the last post in bed. Messaged in the morning thanks for letting me come along etc and other more cheery stuff, and exchanged a couple messages whilst studying. Eventually got a one-word response and from there you know.

I can't pinpoint when it reared its head, but some time the day after the first date. That soon. Everything went well, just allowed the worry to set in and now I can't get it off my back. Which makes me act all awkward and feel overly sensitive. I can almost feel a change when I imagine we're just getting to know each other as friends and I don't know why it feels so much worse when thinking about pursuing a relationship.

I know I have my worries about things. Medical history, current state of my body, and social attitudes etc. so perhaps that has it's effect even though I'm currently worried I'm not even going to get that far for it to be a problem.

However, I've had a thought. I am overly sensitive to criticism. More than that, I fear criticism. I wonder why it is so profound the very second I get it into my head there might a relationship on the cards. Why must someone's opinion of me mean so much?

This all clouds my judgement. I don't even know if I like this person (personality and sociability, I know I like what we have in common). They're so brash and confident, it's intimidating (despite the secret emotional core I saw underneath). I fear their judgment, that I might be found lacking.

I think, despite how much I'd love to be self-assured enough to be around them, we're not compatible. I am not ready to be a bulwark against their jaggy edges, I would be cut and I would bleed. It's a shame because I know now I've approached them, this is the one chance and I'm not up to it (I also know I'm placing everything on my shoulders here).

At the same time, I know my old patterns. I know I won't back off, I'll follow the rabbit and I'll be a spoon and I'll let myself get hurt and rejected before I'd ever consider breaking things off with anyone.

I spend waaaaaay too much fucking time worrying about the future. I need to start enjoying being alive. I get closer to it when I'm single and don't have all this relationship anxiety. I'm relaxed and confident, the sort to go over and ask to buy someone I like a drink. Where do I go? Where does this gibbering mass of anxiety in human form come from every time?