#i may be mentally unstable but i will always make sure that any link i copy is free from tracking :)

[calypsoff3]

Forty Six. Part 2

Tianna looked at me and I just looked at her “you think she’s telling the truth?” I asked, Tianna shrugged “I mean she wouldn’t be crying if she was lying, I mean what is that? How is she going to randomly say dad has something wrong with him? Since when? Dad is ok like I don’t get it” she said “yeah but parents keep things away from their kids, she was protecting us. Let’s google it, let’s see what it is, did she say borderline personality order?” Getting my phone out “yeah she said that, she said maybe it was hard for dad to be normal when he wasn’t” I huffed out “mhmmm” typing into google ‘what is borderline personality disorder’ because I don’t get it, what is that “mhmmm” scrolling down “ok so it says, people with borderline personality disorder may experience intense mood swings and feel uncertainty about how they see themselves. Their feelings for others can change quickly, and swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike. These changing feelings can lead to unstable relationships and emotional pain” looking at Tianna “he does have bad mood swings, with mom anyways. We have seen him, and he disliked me so much, he disliked you too. Like there was no off button with him, she must be right. I mean how did he try and be normal? Wow, how do people get it?” Tapping on the link “I feel sad for him, I don’t know” taking in a deep breath “it’s a mental illness Ti, wow. Dad has a mental disorder, oh my god. Maybe that is why when we stay at his house, he’s always awake smoking, and when we see him, he just smiles like it’s nothing, but he didn’t sleep, oh I feel so sad that dad has this mental illness” oh I am so sad “it says that he won’t have a good relationship with loved ones and he actually doesn’t, he doesn’t have any people, he’s alone. The only cure is therapy, wow” locking my phone and stared off, I wasn’t expecting to hear that “he’s still dad and I want him home, he was good to us and that is what matters Rylee. I am not even ashamed, I love him more for trying to be himself” Tianna is right “yeah, but he doesn’t want to speak to anyone, wow. Now I upset mom, damn” of course I wouldn’t do that on purpose, but I needed answers, I’m hurt but I got it “how do we get dad to even speak to us?” I am getting asked things I can’t do.

I don’t want to be the horrible child so I thought I would see mom “Rylee” looking behind me “I can’t sleep” letting out an oh, Imani looks so sad “you can sleep in my bed, I’ll be back but I go to do something first” Imani walked off to go to my room, I feel like I have become mom in place of mom actually being here, she doesn’t understand that this has affected us all and she’s being all calm about shit is making us think she wanted this but clearly I misjudged her and she didn’t, it’s just a hard thing to wrap my head around because to me, dad is a good person and they are both so in love so what the fuck. Knocking on the bedroom door, I don’t want to barge in because I have pissed her off I think, I have said a lot of shit today, but I want answers and I want mom to tell me how to speak to him on top of that. She is taking her sweet time opening the door, the door opened “can I come in?” I asked, I don’t want to be like this, but I need answers because this is not good “sure, what is it now?” My mom said “I don’t want to upset you mom, but you need to see it from our side, dad has always been there for us, he loves us mom. I know he does and then I’m hearing all this stuff since the divorce, I get dad wasn’t perfect but who is, and now you tell us this. I love you mom and I love dad but right now we haven’t seen him for months, and I feel like right now we need, well I need to know dad is ok. I can only base things off what I see and clearly you’re happier and ok with things, mom you always know where dad is, you know what he is doing and now you just acting like you don’t care. If you can let me call to know then let me, I don’t care. I will file a missing person report so please” my mom stared me downe, she is pissed with me but it’s the truth “you have school in the morning” she just said which means she is telling me to fuck off.

Taking in a deep breath as I walked into the kitchen “morning” I said “mom is awake” my mom pulled a face at “yes I am awake” she said all confused what I am implying “no I’m awake” I’m going to piss my mother off and it’s not even been five minutes yet “oh be quiet Rylee, you’re just being silly now” I chuckled “I uhm, I have got the number for the guy you can contact about your dad” oh she did it “but you couldn’t do that before? But you did now?” My mom side eyed me “please” she said, nodding my head “I’ll text you it and do what you wish with it, I’m not going to get involved, I have my reasons on why too but it’s best you just explain who you are and why you are calling ok?” Least she is doing this for me “thanks mom, I just want to know he’s ok, that’s all. I don’t mean to make you sad” my mother squinted her eyes at me “everything about him is you; my face but you are your fathers daughter” I’ll take that as a compliment “I will text you and do not tell the younger kids, I am off to rehearsal. Amerie is in charge” nodding my head, least my mother gave me this number, well when she is ready to give it. I don’t know what I am going to be like when I hear my dad’ voice, I miss him so much, he is literally the light of this house “woah” I said seeing pawpaw “morning” staring at him “do you know where dad is?” I asked him “he doesn’t want to know” I knew he would say this “ok” walking by him “Tianna!!! We have things to do, North will be here” we have plans to do.

Staring at the number my mother has now sent me “that is a British number and could charge you a lot for calling it” I shrugged “you mean charge my mother?” I retorted “oh you’re right” she pointed “well I will be telling this person” tapping on the number, see what I don’t get is that why my mother can’t do this, she is making me do it when she is the adult acting a child “Hello Maxwell here” he answered “hi, Rylee here” I have no idea what to say now “erm who is this? Are you my client?” I frowned “no; listen here. I am Chris Brown daughter; you have my dad with you. I want you to give him back now” the phone line went silent “I mean it!” I added “I will report you, tell me where my dad is right now!” I half shouted “so you’re Chris’ daughter, ok. Well no need to threaten, I will let him know” my heart dropped “you have seen him?” I said, my tone of voice toned down “yes, he is in London” letting out an oh “I really miss him, I will be waiting for his call and if I don’t I am giving the police your name and number, you tell me where my dad is? Clearly you are British so where is he?” North is laughing “I will discuss it with him Rylee” he’s so calm “ok, well hurry up. Clock is ticking” putting the phone down on him “dad is in London I think, well I will be waiting, I will not let this die” North and I high fived.

Opening the door for Maxwell “you’re awake today” he said as he walked in “mhmm” I just said “your mood stabilizer tablets, I bought them with me. How is Christopher doing today?” closing the door “I am good, I am well rested anyways. Thanks for the tablets, I am going to the studio today. Seeing Oakley and them” Maxwell turned to me “right, so I have just been threatened today. You know what, I have turned into your assistant” I laughed “nah, nah. You my best friend Maxwell, like you a real one. I appreciate you and your family so much, your wife for even putting up with me at the house too, you have been the best. I ain’t see you as that, thank you” Maxwell smiled “well, that made me happy but Chris, I have had a worrying phone call, I was threatened and told that she is going to call the police on me, the threat was very real, I also had your mother call me too. But do you know someone called Rylee?” I froze and then breathed out laughing “why?” Maxwell side eyed me “she called me and said she misses her dad Chris and we spoke on this, you want your new life here but you have the children that you do love and you miss them. This is why you’re getting emotional, speak to her. She wants you to call her, maybe this is your opening to call the kids. I don’t think they hate you like you think, I get you was saying that you think they will hate you, that they would have forgotten you, but they haven’t, so if I give you the number, what you think to calling?” rubbing my face “I let them go, they going to know this. I know that her family will make it know, maybe it is a ploy” Maxwell shook his head “maybe it’s a daughter wanting to speak to her dad? This is the change you need to contact them” he said.

It has been months, like it’s been a while since I have even contacted the kids, seen the kids. I haven’t thought of the kids because I have been trying to better myself, I have been wanting to make myself better for them really but I am scared of being judged as a bad person when I am not, just I have been through a lot, the fact I am on tablets because my moods were that bad, Robyn just tipped me over the edge, she really did and then she divorced me at my lowest too so fuck it “do it when you’re ready, Chris you do know that your milk is out of date, you haven’t been having it have you?” shaking my head “I have been just sleeping so no” tapping on the number, I don’t know how to feel. I mean the point is, I am not going back to America. I am happy here, that place is so toxic and not good for me. I have made friends here too. Rylee is going to think who the hell is this number calling her, it is a UK number too “hello” Rylee answered and her voice just hit me “hey baby” she gasped “dad? Oh my god, dad. No, what? It’s really you, it’s really you” she sobbed out crying, biting on my bottom lip hearing her cry “don’t cry” my voice broke, covering my face with my hand as I started to cry “dad where have you been? Oh wow, you scared me, what the hell” she said through her sobs, hearing Rylee speak to me, hearing her cry “it’s been hard” I said “I was waiting for you to come back but then nothing, I realised you wasn’t oh god. I am so glad to hear you, wow. I am literally in my bedroom, what is happening?” wiping my tears “a lot Rylee, but I miss you kids so much. God” I am hurting “I bet you girls have grown, I mean it’s been a while but I know you look different” my daughter’s, I miss them so much “let’s face time, come on dad. Show me your face! I’m going to do it” I can’t even say no to that.

I couldn’t help but cry when I saw Rylee on the camera “dad you look so skinny, wow. It’s so good seeing you” I smiled at the camera “do you hate me? How are the kids? How are you all? Tell me?” I asked, I want to know how they are “none of us hate you, we all miss you dad. Just want to know where you was, I have so much to tell you dad but tell me about you? What are doing? I feel like I have had to grow up, like when everything happened I went on defensive mode, my siblings were hurting. So many blogs about it all, but I was most concerned for you so tell me more?” Rubbing my chin blowing out air “I am going to be honest with you Rylee, I am going to move here. I am happier here and also I don’t want to be near your mom and things, I just don’t want the drama. I fucked up though, I don’t have any rights to you or to even fight for time with you kids, your mom has taken that from me, but when I am ready. I will try, I am just happy to see you, to know you kids don’t hate me” Rylee shook her head “we love you so much dad” I breathed out and just cried out.

[primrose-path-of-dalliance]

on bren and feeblemind.

(cw: lots of caleb backstory. self-explanatory, i think?)

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this isn’t something i’ve talked about on my blog yet, but since the campaign has begun drawing to a close, i want to make sure i say my piece on the popular theory that bren/caleb was institutionalized because trent ikithon feebleminded him to disable him.

my piece being that it’s exceptionally unlikely he did—at least as a premeditated plan. this kind of theory also falls prey to the exact beliefs ikithon has tried to exploit in caleb.

for our mutual reference, i’ll quote the spell description of feeblemind.

FEEBLEMIND (PHB) 8th level enchantment

Casting time: 1 action Range: 150 feet Components: VSM (a handful of clay, crystal, glass, or mineral spheres) Duration: Instantaneous

You blast the mind of a creature that you can see within range, attempting to shatter its intellect and personality. The target takes 4d6 psychic damage and must make an Intelligence saving throw.

On a failed save, the creature’s Intelligence and Charisma scores become 1. The creature can’t cast spells, activate magic items, understand language, or communicate in any intelligible way. The creature can, however, identify its friends, follow them, and even protect them.

At the end of every 30 days, the creature can repeat its saving throw against this spell. If it succeeds on its saving throw, the spell ends. The spell can also be ended by Greater Restoration, Heal, or Wish.

considering the characteristics described and implied by actors other than ikithon—caleb and astrid prominently—who are not motivated to deceive on ikithon’s behalf, feeblemind is not consistent with caleb’s mental break.

fact the first: when bren broke, he became violent and spellcasted.

when astrid describes the circumstances in which he was taken to the vergessen sanatorium (e89, 1:49:30), she refers to his lashing out as “creat[ing] a lot of sparks everywhere else” and rubs at burn scars across her neck. she says that they had to subdue him because he was too dangerous. all of these statements add up to a bren who was viciously spellcasting at his friends and mentor when he broke down.

this wouldn’t have been possible if he’d been feebleminded. feeblemind explicitly prevents the affected creature from casting spells or activating magic items. in that scenario, the only thing bren would’ve been capable of is throwing hands. from him? not very dangerous at all.

how do we know astrid wasn’t lying or intentionally deceptive? because she (and eadwulf) still cares so much for caleb that she risked her life multiple times to aid him. no one who would give caleb a map to a secret volstrucker vault with her own handwriting on it (e127, 29:29; and 30:57)—or intentionally fail to counterspell him when ikithon could’ve seen her do so—would lie to caleb about ikithon attempting to permanently feeblemind him if she knew.

to preempt the idea that astrid had set the m9 up: it’s very obvious she didn’t, since trent ikithon had clearly had no forewarning of a break-in. he would’ve at least been waiting in the vault, already prepared to subdue them quickly, if he’d known.

so it’s fair to determine that astrid would either be honest to the extent of her knowledge to caleb or make it clear that she couldn’t answer him. since she didn’t imply the latter, we can assume she was being honest. and because of astrid’s competence, it’s highly probable she would’ve noticed if his behavior was symptomatic of feeblemind over the years.

fact the second: bren’s mental condition repeatedly improved and regressed while he was institutionalized.

astrid states this in the same conversation about their subduing him after his breakdown (e89, 1:50:50). considering this with the context of their romantic relationship prior to his breakdown, her genuine care for him, and her rise to power that included accompanying ikithon frequently to the sanatorium (e127, 31:07)—astrid would’ve had the motivation and the opportunities to visit bren in person. she could’ve also kept well-abreast of his condition.

actual times of improvement and decline in the mental state that astrid first observed during his breakdown wouldn’t be consistent with feeblemind. although it reduces the victim’s intelligence score to 1, they still retain thought and their sense of identity without problems.

this is a maintenance of consistency and (relative) reason. feeblemind does not actually damage a person’s basic perception of reality. but the health of bren’s behavior throughout the years was instead very unstable.

fact the third: caleb doesn’t remember anything from the burning of his home up to his healing by the unknown cleric.

in the conversation with astrid in e89, he asks her what happened when he broke and explicitly says, “the last thing i remember is my home” (1:46:58). when he first tells beau and nott about his past, he explains that he doesn’t remember much of what happened to him there (e18, 2:51:54).

beyond the reduction to their intelligence, feeblemind doesn’t affect the victim’s ability to form memories. caleb’s keen mind feat and established narrative element of his eidetic memory would’ve still been present as well. therefore, feeblemind alone can’t explain such a significant, near-empty gap in his memory. he would still remember something.

even the possibility of trent ikithon altering them directly is precluded by the fact that the cleric’s healing removed the alterations to caleb’s memory. if all those years had been magically blocked away, they’d have returned when he was healed of everything else.

fact the fourth: sometimes, people really do just break.

nothing about caleb’s backstory is inconsistent with just... being a person living their life, even a terrible one. he was a young man that believed so zealously in his country and his purpose, abused by a powerful older man, that he did many horrible things and believed they were right. until finally he did something that he couldn’t process and broke down.

there’s two reoccurring, underlying assumptions i’ve noticed behind why this theory seems to be so compelling and popular:

caleb just seems so remorseful and traumatized by his double patricide. there’s no way he would’ve willingly murdered his parents. ikithon must have known and decided to preempt his inevitable betrayal.

everything we know about bren, especially from the horse’s own mouth, suggests that he had been willing (at least up until his mental break) to murder his parents. he was literally an extreme nationalist—a fascist, if you will. he was lawful evil (twitter source). he gratefully executed many “criminals” put in front of him, more than likely by burning them to death based on his ptsd. victims whom we now understand may not have been guilty of anything at all.

he was glad to do what he thought was best for the dwendalian empire, and he truly thought being volstrucker was the correct path. trent ikithon, his abuser, treated him as his favorite (e110, 3:30:58). because he believed.

that fervent faith, in fact, is the key to something like his breakdown in the first place. hearing the dying screams of his parents, bren was forced to confront a violent dissonance between his radical beliefs that condemned traitors (as he believed until the cleric’s healing) and the intuitive horror of murdering his parents that he couldn’t reconcile. this fathomless sense of betrayal is why caleb so deeply despised ikithon and himself.

a young evocation wizard who didn’t want his parents dead would’ve run into that burning house, feebleminded or not. someone magically compelled to set that fire would’ve understood what happened as soon as the charm left him and would definitely remember every detail once the cleric healed him.

caleb is remorseful and traumatized because he willingly murdered his parents. as well as many others.

it can’t be that simple. caleb was institutionalized for eleven years just because his abuser pushed him too far? there must be a more nefarious reason. ikithon even said he basically stored him for later.

putting aside the fact that bren having a breakdown in the way he did makes complete sense for his situation, ikithon’s “claim” that he orchestrated all of caleb’s subsequent years is not only something he never actually says (e110, 3:16:34)—it is a claim that’s patently absurd.

i’ve written meta that discusses this in the past (link here). essentially though, the number of moving pieces and assumptions that would be needed for such a series of events is ridiculously improbable. even assuming that ikithon feebleminded him—so that caleb’s mind would be intact when he ‘woke up’—even assuming that ikithon somehow procured the service of a cleric of the archeart—a banned deity in the empire that would oppose ikithon...

why in the world would he ever reasonably believe that caleb widogast, the man he viciously betrayed and lied to and abused, would do anything to benefit ikithon?

trent ikithon is a mortal man. he has power, yes; enchantment magic, authority, and a history of abuse and manipulation over caleb’s head, yes. but ikithon is a mortal man. not a puppeteer in the sky piloting people’s bodies.

he certainly wouldn’t have led caleb to a whole new family that would change everything about his life for the better. a family that would love him, truly—a family that would help him heal, bear the weight of his guilt, and find a real future waiting for him again instead of a self-destructive end. a family that would fight tooth and nail for caleb’s sake against ikithon.

abusers lie. their biggest lie, the one they always circle back to in the end, is that their victim is unique: that there is something which makes them deserving of abuse, and that their abuser is both right and inescapable.

ikithon is read as honest because he chooses his words carefully and has the self-confidence to believe it. everything he’s claimed about caleb and his past have either been implications that he encouraged others to reach for him or platitudes empty of everything except gaslighting intent.

caleb has escaped. and everything ikithon wants is to convince caleb and his friends that he continues to control caleb’s life, that caleb is special, so he can regain some influence over a man who’s come to command so much power.

the idea that caleb must’ve been feebleminded—that he couldn’t have just had a mental breakdown like so many other prospective volstrucker before miraculously, then strenuously, recovering to create a hopeful future for himself—falls into the trap of validating ikithon’s lies.

trent ikithon didn’t see and believe in caleb’s ‘full potential’ before anyone else did. he didn’t foresee a single ounce of the man’s struggle to put himself back together after what he suffered. caleb was not institutionalized to serve as a toy to one day pull back out of the closet. there was no feeblemind or other secretive plan that could only serve to obfuscate the brutal truth:

ikithon abused a boy until he shattered, and tried to hide the evidence. a crime that he’s committed against countless other children. plain and simple.

so that’s my piece.

caleb widogast—bren ermendrud—was not the victim of a premeditated feeblemind from ikithon, based on the mechanics of the spell. even more importantly, the narrative of his and ikithon’s stories would suffer if he was.

now,

A LOGICAL POSSIBILITY I WON’T DENY.

what if ikithon feebleminded him as a method to subdue him after the breakdown?

this is more or less an alternate theory that’s irrelevant to the points i actually wanted to make. but i want to talk about it anyway because it’s kind of fun.

fact the bonus: bren spent eleven years in the sanatorium.

eleven years is a long time. he would’ve been able to save every 30 days after the initial failed save. the exandrian calendar has about eleven 30-day periods every year. assuming a feeblemind spell cast on him just prior to his institutionalization, that’s somewhere around 121 possible save attempts, give or take a few.

what’s the likelihood of him actually saving? to go through the mechanics:

normally, feeblemind reduces a person’s intelligence score to 1, modifier -5. caleb, as a variant human, possessed the feat keen mind from the beginning both mechanically and story-wise. this would make his intelligence score 2, modifier -4, even after feeblemind.

as a level 1-2 wizard, he would’ve had proficiency in intelligence saves. this would be +2 to his save.

in total, the modifier to bren’s intelligence saves would be -2.

in order to cast feeblemind, trent ikithon would have to have been a minimum level 15 wizard. this leaves two possible proficiency bonuses to determine his spell save dc: +5 or +6.

it’s probably safe to assume that his intelligence score is at least 18–20, likely 20. this would be a modifier of +4 or +5. (his intelligence could be 22+ if matt wanted to be a real dick, but let’s assume otherwise.)

spell save dc = 8 + spellcasting score mod (for wizards, this is intelligence) + proficiency bonus.

this means trent ikithon’s possible spell save dc is somewhere from 17–19.

therefore:

at minimum—17 being ikithon as a level 15–16 wizard with an intelligence score of 18–19 at the time of casting—bren would have to roll a 19 or nat 20 to make the save with his -2 save modifier.

at a dc of 18—ikithon either being level 17–20 or having an intelligence score of 20, but not both—bren would have to roll a nat 20.

at a dc of 19(+), it would be impossible for bren to save without additional bonuses such as bless.

i don’t have the brainpower to calculate some real statistical probabilities, but depending on your opinion of trent ikithon’s probable capabilities at the time of bren’s mental break, he may have been able to save against feeblemind sometime during the eleven years he spent at the sanatorium.

naturally, this has the earlier-mentioned conundrum of remembering that return of clarity once he was healed by the cleric, should ikithon have been retrieved to recast the feeblemind and altered his memories. nevertheless, it may or may not be a fun thought to play around with.

[fenristheorem]

Lance finding out that Gardienne killed herself? After a while of her being in the HQ again, he has fallen in love with her. She just couldn't bear those seven years, having lost that many people and being here just to save this world by suffering.

He wanted to tell her he loved her, he knocked her door, he worried bc no one answered, and he finds her hanged up.

I know this is really specific, it's just kind of my OC ending😅😅 anyway, I'd understand if you weren't comfortable with this.

So I’m going to talk about the boundaries of what I write for a moment, starting by saying that I will write this BUT I won’t write detailed suicide scenes due to the sensitive nature of it.

This ask isn’t asking for a detailed scene, it’s asking for the effects the decision has on Lance, and because it’s asking for the long-term effects and not a scenario I’m just fine with writing this. 

Thank you for asking this, Anon, genuinely. Being this specific was probably what gave me the push to write this in the end because I know you were looking for the reaction and not the actual scene. This is a good example of a post that walks along the lines of what I will and won’t write so anyone requesting future asks with a similar subject gets a better idea of what to ask.

Also, I apologize for how long this took to write. This ask was, unfortunately, the one that spent the most time eaten in my drafts folder so I couldn’t work on it until about a week ago. Fortunately that gave me a lot of time to think over how to best write this, so I think this’ll be appropriately written considering the subject.

*Warning / Note: This post contains heavy depressive themes and suicidal mentions, as evident by the ask and what I wrote above. I’m aware that this is a very sensitive subject and I intend to treat it with appropriate seriousness. This is not a happy post, please only read this if you know this won’t lead you down a dark path. To me, writing is another form of art, meant to express and draw out emotions from the audience, so I won’t subside the intensity of my writing even with this being a sensitive subject. I don’t intend to drive anyone to harm themselves, but I do intend to write with the intensity that I always do because this is my artform; so please prepare for heavy themes or don’t read if you’re not comfortable with this. On a side note: I care about everyone, I really do, so please take care of yourselves. If you’re feeling depressive or suicidal, talk to someone, please. There is always someone who cares about you.

Technically Guardienne's death may have a major adverse effect on Eldarya due to her link with the crystal, but for the sake of this ask I'll ignore any possible effects like that.

~Under the cut~

Lance’s reaction to Guardienne’s suicide:

Lance had seen a lot of terrible things in life and had done many terrible things in his life, but this reached a new type of fucked up for him. Not because it's truly disturbing - although it is deeply disturbing - but because it fucked him up even more in a way that he neither thought could be possible nor that he could bear.

He’s convinced that he’s cursed; everything that’s happened to him has been his fault. He started the war within Eldarya, destroyed so many faeries’ lives, killed his own brother, and now the woman he loved is dead because of him as well. Sure, he wasn’t the one to tie the rope around her neck, but there are signs for these sorts of things. Was he truly that blind that he couldn’t see that she was in pain? Did he ever truly love her if he couldn’t see the pain? Would she have done anything differently if he wasn’t there to constantly remind her of everything that was lost?

Lance believes he deserves this. He’s caused so much pain and agony for everyone, it only makes sense that he should be the one in pain now. Lance won’t try to fight the agony he’s in, he’ll let himself drown in it for nights on end to wake up - or not even sleep to begin with - feeling exhausted, reckless, irritated and - overall - worthless. He’s sure to emerge from his room in the morning without the slightest hint that he’s been sobbing quietly with the feeling of a dagger twisting itself over and over within his chest all night, and he’ll refuse to answer any questions about if he’s alright after the recent events. He was the one to find her after all; it would make sense that he was hit the hardest...

In the daytime he’ll be rough and withholding, keeping the Obsidian guard in a tight hold to reflect how he needs to hold himself tightly to keep from falling apart. It’s one thing for him feel and express emotions, but this feeling is an entirely different thing; this is something that should not be released into Eldarya. He realizes it and knows that this feeling - something that he recognizes all too well from his past - threatens to destroy everything that he worked so hard to gain in the past seven years.

Mathieu will notice Lance’s change in temperament immediately, and being the kind man he is he’ll want to be there for the dragon, but Lance won’t be looking for comfort; he’ll be looking for something that will change the past and take back everything that happened. But that’s impossible - he knows that - and so he’ll be stuck in a state of limbo, deemed to mourn for his unknown, unrealized love until... something happens to change him.

Ice cold fear will wash over him some days as he recognizes the familiar feeling that haunted him in the past, and while he’ll be aching to reach out to lean on someone for support - afraid of this feeling overwhelming him again - he’ll feel that he can’t lean on anyone. He doesn’t deserve that support at this point after all he’s done, and there’s so many others who are busy grieving; the guard needs him to be strong now. However, on occasion - when he has a clear mind - he’ll grieve gently with someone who’s somewhat close to him, sharing kind memories of Guardienne and gently advising them to spend time around friends if his co-worker feels it’s needed. He’ll never completely break in front of anyone though, he can’t bring himself to. 

However, Lance falls apart immediately when he’s alone, sometimes even lingering in the conference room for a few minutes after a meeting to allow himself the private time alone to recollect himself. Grief will randomly hit him throughout the day, constricting his throat, burning his chest, and glassing over his eyes - and every time he’ll excuse himself from his company to isolate himself until he regains control again. This, of course, is taken into notice by a few others around the guard, and slowly there’ll be people who realize that Lance is not fine.

This becomes a further issue over time as his grief slowly turns into anger and disgust, and this is when that familiar, ominous feeling from his past really rears it’s ugly face. He should have seen something. Was he really that terrible to her that she felt she couldn’t trust him? Was everyone really that blind to not see her hurting?

Lance finds that he begins to choose to isolate himself, mentally and physically. He’ll leave the guards members alone that have stated they need time off, but he won’t be very forgiving with those who have chosen to continue their work but seem to be slacking. His mentality is that if you can’t handle continuing on, then don’t offer your service as it’ll become a hindrance, and this quickly becomes a major issue.

Huang Hua - knowing how important Guardienne was to Eldarya, and the guard especially - has let it be known that if anyone needs a break from their responsibilities, then it’ll be allowed, but she will stress that those who feel they can continue to function please try to do so, and be lenient and take on a few responsibilities that aren’t usually asked of them if they feel they can. She can read other’s auras and sense intentions and emotions of sorts, so she can generally get a good read on how someone is doing, but she can’t consistently do that with everyone, so while she’ll use this ability when necessary to enforce that someone take a break so they don’t fall apart, not every unstable case is known to her. This is the main reason why she slightly overlooks Lance for a while. When he first found Guardienne, he panicked immediately, rushing her to Ewelein and not even truly believing her death until many days after the event. Huang Hua - having sensed his shock and panic blocking out any other emotions - let it go for a few days; everyone goes through their own grieving process, some immediately and some not until many years afterwards. There was nothing that anyone could do for him until Guardienne’s death hit him fully. However, she also knew from her abilities that Lance was in love with her, or at very least had a deep liking for Guardienne, so the instant a few members of the guard come to her expressing serious concerns regarding Lance’s recent aggression and distance, Huang Hua knows immediately that it needs to be dealt with. This grief was an unknown factor in Lance’s new life - but his past with this type of grief shows clearly that this can really fuck him up - so it needed to be discussed, otherwise he risks spiraling back into the same place he was seven years ago.

She’ll approach him when he’s alone, or if they’re in a relatively public space she’ll take him somewhere private, sensing all the while the breathtakingly painful feeling of agony, anger and distress that’s clouding his mentality. It was just the same as when he was Ashkore, how did he not yet break? He’ll refuse to follow her if he knows she wants to talk about his emotions - ironic since he’s always been open to sharing his perspective and thoughts - so she’ll just tell him that she needs to talk to him in private regarding a few anonymous tips from some guards members if he happens to ask why.

Being alone with an unstable, emotionally distraught dragon with a history of violence while under heavy states of grief does unsettle her a bit, but she knows the outcome of this will be much worse if he truly feels isolated. He’s not going to reach out for help by himself - he doesn’t know how to, nor does he probably want to - so she needs to be the one to reach out to him and help him stabilize himself before another situation like Valkyon’s death occurrs.

She’ll consider first talking alone with him in his room - where he’d likely feel most comfortable - but considering he’d likely be defensive, that could then translate into aggression in his own territory, and that may lead her to being forced out of his room for her own safety. Lance has certainly changed in temperament, but heavy grieving emotions can blind someone, so there’s really no promising that nothing... destructive may happen, no matter how much he’s changed in patience.

She then considers talking with him in the conference room, but there isn’t a whole lot of privacy there. The conference room is more for business, rather than personal, private, emotional conversations. The last thing Lance needed in this moment was for his emotions to be treated even slightly like a business confrontation and not as an important part of his being. Frankly, even on a day where he’s feeling just fine he would never accept anyone’s emotions to be treated like a business issue, so the last thing she wanted was to imply that by bringing him into a room that could do just that.

Huang Hua then thinks over the idea of talking to him in her room; it would likely be safer, after all. He probably won’t become territorial or aggressive as it’s not his territory, and it’ll be a gentle reminder that she’s happy to welcome him into her personal life to help comfort him (therefore defeating the concern that it could seem like a business confrontation), but since it’s her territory he might emotionally shut himself down. It can be uncomfortable to fall apart in someone else’s room, especially knowing they’re higher ranking and could be interrupted at any moment to deal with something else...

Then she wonders if she should bring him outside of the guard to speak with him - somewhere that’s private and on neutral ground. That way they’d both be in strange territory and may not be interrupted, and if they are they’d receive prior warning by noticing that someone was walking their way.

Of course, Huang Hua then realizes that - no matter how much she’d like to think that she understands what would make Lance most comfortable - she truly doesn’t know what would help him best, but she can be there to provide support at very least, regardless of where they are. At the end of the day, Lance would probably know where he’d feel most comfortable, so when she approaches him to talk, saying that it’s an important but private conversation, she’ll ask him where he would rather talk. He’ll be slightly hostile, especially when he picks up on the fact that she’s going out of her way to word things carefully and prioritize his comfort, but he’ll decide to talk somewhere private outside the guard, where no one is around.

And that’s how Huang Hua finds herself in the middle of the open plains, far away from the guard to talk to a dragon who might as well be stabbing himself with his own dagger with how he’s been allowing himself to feel as of late. She’ll start off gently, telling him the recent concerns of a few anonymous guard’s members and Lance will stand a few feet away and listen coldly with a blank expression until she suggests that he take a few days off. He’ll debate things with her then, and it’ll escalate slowly until Lance is clearly distressed but still unmoving in his decision to remain active, and Huang Hua will know then that she can’t be gentle anymore...

“Lance, take a few days off, for your sake.”

“No.” His tone is harsh and cold as he snaps at her. “The guard needs me, there’s so much I need to do - so much I need to repay-” He didn’t mean to let that last statement slip - after all, his actions certainly couldn’t be made up for, right? - but emotions can be a powerful thing, can’t they?

“You won’t be able to do any of that if you’re destroying everything you’ve helped rebuild in the process.” Lance is pacing, keeping his eyes trained to the ground. Huang Hua - despite her anxiousness at the dragon being so stubborn on decisions made under heavy negative emotions - tries to keep a comforting, open atmosphere to avoid furthering any issues. “You know the pain you’ve cast upon on others, you’ve felt that same sort of pain now and you need to take time to be able to recover from that.”

“I can’t take time, it’s not something I can just accept! Everyone I’ve hurt before never had time to accept the situation before I made it worse, but they still pushed forward! There’s no reason for me to have it any easier!”

“And where would we be if we treated you the same way you used to treat the world? Would we be any better than how you used to be?”

Lance stops pacing but his eyes remain on the ground, his throat constricting as his thoughts run rampant. Would they be the same as how he used to be if they allowed him to keep running himself this way? He’s done terrible things, but he’s spent many years trying to keep that from happening again. Certainly he’s an asset to the guard now, so would it be cruel of them to ignore his distress? Or would it be justified payback for everything he’s done?

“Lance, you’ve done wonderful things the past seven years, and we want you to continue that and I know you want to continue that as well. Take some time off so you can do that without destroying yourself or your environment. Don’t ignore your pain like it’s nothing - it’s not nothing, and you have the resources to deal with it in a better way now. Use those resources, Lance, it’ll help you work your way through this.” Huang Hua’s tone is gentle and soft as she pleads with him, hoping that her blunt words will reach his common sense.

He tries to argue this, stuttering the beginning of sentences to try and disprove her point, grasping for any reason as to why his pain is invalid. However, Lance finds that there’s no sound argument against Huang Hua’s words, and constricting panic, horror, and then heavy tides of grief will hit him as he realizes that he is, in fact, dragging himself into his own downfall. He is his own worst enemy, once again.

In any manner, this is all his fault - his past actions, Guardienne’s distress of what’s changed that lead to her death, his emotional isolation, and disruption of the guard is all because he doesn’t know how to deal with himself and his abyss of emotions. How did this happen to him? He was never the type of person to deny and hide away his emotions, so how is it he ended up caging himself like this when under personal grief? Is it because the situation is so personal to him that he has a hard time allowing himself to seek comfort in others who likely couldn’t understand?

Lance will fall apart at this, closing his eyes and turning towards the ground to keep himself together, but falling apart all the same as grief overwhelms him one final time in a push that throws him over the edge. He’ll clench his fist and bow his head, bringing it over his mouth as he desperately tries to steady his breathing, to no avail as tears find their way from his eyes and his chest heaves in quieted sobs. 

Huang Hua will lurch forward to comfort him, but stops as Lance whirls around to step back and snap at her - he didn’t want comfort, he wanted her back!

“Where were you for her!? Why didn’t anyone else see her pain!?” His eyes are tragedy and desperation underneath the weakened cold anger of ice blue, a faint few tears streaking down his face as his voice - thunderous and howling - cracks and breaks alongside his crumbling rage. If he couldn’t have fixed this, then someone else could have - why didn’t anyone fix this!?

“You know it’s not morally correct to monitor everyone’s private emotions all the time. What kind of leader would I be if I didn’t allow my people their privacy?” Huang Hua stills and clasps her hands together at her waist, understanding Lance’s outward anger. However, she realized his statement signaled something else as well; Lance could no longer fight why he should allow himself to grieve, so he was desperately clinging onto some semblance of needing to be distant by turning it to be someone’s fault - someone that he could hate.  “You are right in a way; of the many people who knew her, someone might have been able to catch how torn up she felt, but people who wish to hide their pain, or spend so long hiding their pain that it becomes a part of who they are, learn how to hide their pain in ways too complex for others to realize. And, Lance, if she didn’t want anyone to know about her grief, there wouldn’t have been much that I could have done anyways.”

“You could have helped her!” The dragon’s voice was weakening as he spoke, distant anger being replaced by a cold, hollow emptiness as he realized the truth in Huang Hua’s words.

“Only if she was ready for that help. You can’t force someone to accept help, you can only wait for them to allow themselves to be helped.”

“She wouldn’t want me to find relief during this time...” He looked away toward the ground and hung his head, blinking rapidly as he began to heave for breath. There must be a reason why he shouldn’t be allowed to feel this way .

“Do you think she would have wanted everything good you did - whether she knows what you did or not - to be destroyed because of your grief for her?” Lance’s eyes squinted closed and he tilted his head a bit further away from the phoenix. It seemed as though every reminder of everything good he’s done continues to leave him with a hollow chest. “I think if she witnessed firsthand everything you’ve done the past seven years she would have thought very differently about you now than what she did when first having woken up from the crystal.”

Lance turns to face his back towards her, resting a palm on his forehead before brushing his fingers back through his hair as a tremble rolls through him. He could feel pressure rising from his throat as he bared his teeth in an agonized snarl before parting his mouth to silently gasp for air. His head tilted back to look at the sky, only for a few tears to fall from his eyes when he releases a shaky breath.

“Lance, your situation with her was very unique - no one else could begin to understand exactly what you’re feeling from your history with her. Take some time so you can understand it - and fix, or do, or feel whatever you need to - so you can carry forward knowing yourself better.”

He wanted to fight her statement, but his moral compass argued with his resistance on this as well. If anything, of whatever terrible things came as a result of her death, there should be some good sought from it as well. What’s the point of accepting a tragedy if not to learn something from it as well, even if it’s something quiet that no one else knows you learned?

For the first time in a long while - if not ever - Lance allows himself to break and be comforted. He lets himself embrace the burning, stinging pain that rises in his chest as he turns his head back to the ground and collapses on his knees. Huang Hua immediately reacts and is by his side in moments, on her knees and laying a gentle hand on his shoulder as she leans against him slightly. Sobs escape his throat as his body tenses and curls forward slightly, bracing a hand on the ground to steady himself as tremulous waves of emotions - any and all emotions that could possibly be named - wash over him and leave him gasping for air.

“I miss her, too.” Huang Hua’s voice shakes now as she leans further against the dragon, bringing her arms as far around him as she can while her head rests against his shoulder, away from the spines on his pauldrons. Lance brings his other hand up and tightly grasps the forearm reaching across his chest.

Huang Hua had spent so much time trying to help others through this that she had completely forgotten to make sure she was alright as well, and seeing Lance - the man she least expected to be torn apart by this situation - completely break and fall apart before her eyes reminded her of the true depth of their loss. They didn’t just lose Eldarya’s savior, they had lost a friend, a great warrior, one of the last angels, someone who was pure at heart and wasn’t afraid to face the darkness of life without so much as a blink of hesitation. They had lost someone who gave everything for the world, and suffered because of it.

Minutes merged until they were unsure of how long they spent in the fields, but in time both of them calmed down. Lance - now able to think clearer on the subject - began to reflect on the situation.

“This wasn’t her fault... the blame is on all of us, for not having seen anything... but she must have known that someone would have been there for her if they knew how much she was hurting...” He murmured this quietly, waves of shame washing over him again as he realized he was perhaps pinning some of the blame on Guardienne. Was there really anyone to blame here? She must have known that someone would have been there for her if she sought help, but it’s not right for others to pry into the personal life of another if the intrusion is unwelcomed, and who was to say she wanted help in the first place? Had she given up? Would anyone have been able to stop her to begin with? Who was to blame, if there was anyone?

“There’s nothing we can do now except honor her and move forward.” Huang Hua whispered back with a shaky voice and Lance faintly nodded his head. There were many things that worked together to lead to this happening, and in between there also were moments where something could have helped deter it, both by her doing and by others. At the root core, everyone and anyone could have helped stop this in some way, even if it was by giving her a small passing smile that could have helped remind her that there is good and hope in the world, but there’s also no guarantee that anyone could have stopped it. Regardless, this is how things happened. They can’t change the past, but they can move forward with her in mind and learn from this.

Lance - despite his heavy grief and complex emotions on everything - begins to soften himself to the situation. He’s not the only one grieving. His situation may have been the most complicated, but he’s still in the same boat as everyone else. He doesn’t feel the need to sob alongside the others anymore, but he does find that whenever the group he’s in begins to fall apart into wailing, he’ll bow his head and won’t hide the obvious pain that he’s in at the reminder of his lost love. His feelings for Guardienne will be kept quiet, and he won’t openly say how he felt about her - it could still be seen as wrong in the opinion of some people for him to have fallen in love with the same woman he hurt so much, especially knowing her pain is what led to her death - but he won’t deny the truth of his feelings to those who caught on somehow. Lance will find that he’ll slowly begin to mend after this death, many months after of course, but it’ll happen, and in some ways this will help him move past his brother’s death as well. After all, in the end both Guardienne and Valkyon came to accept their final moments in life before allowing Lance’s past actions to bring about their end, and although one chose to die to help mend him and the other chose to die to help relieve herself, the root issue of the situation that led to their death was still very similar. He’ll have a hard time allowing himself to move past the fact that his actions played a major part in both deaths, but he realizes in time that that’s what happens when someone has a violent past. It’ll haunt for many years, and the effects of it can never be reversed, but in the end this only inspires him to work harder to provide a better world. Maybe he can’t erase what he did, but he can make sure it doesn’t happen again and work to provide Eldarya with as much good as he can provide now.

Without a doubt Guardienne’s death hits him hard, but he’ll be sure to come back twice as strong from this.

I hope you like this, Anon! I feel Guardienne’s suicide would definitely hit Lance hard and remind him subtly of Valkyon’s death, but I don’t see Lance being held down by this for too long. He’d heavily grieve for her for a good while before he eventually finds himself standing on two feet again and powering his way through life, if not for his own sake then for the sake of others, both alive and dead. 

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[modern-inheritance]

I don’t really know where I’m going with this but do you have any Oromis/Morzan headcanons? Before or during the fall, or Oromis’ feelings towards Morzan afterwards?

I have a few! More than a few apparently, I'm just finishing this up and uh...yeah that got longer than I thought!

I’m going to do my best to leave Glaedr and Morzan’s dragon out of these because while they’re large parts of each other's lives and even maybe personalities considering how deeply bonded Riders and their dragons can be, I want to be sure I’m keeping the characters separate. Kinda like how you shouldn’t constantly group identical twins together as a single entity, ya know?

Alright let's start off with Morzan. Time for some backstory!

Modern Inheritance!Morzan

Morzan was born into a family of low level nobles. By the time Morzan was about six or seven though, the family had fallen out of favor and was struggling to keep up appearances, spending money they didn’t necessarily have on lavish items and acting increasingly narcissistic in a desperate attempt to hold onto the standing and power they once had.

Morzan probably started showing antisocial behavior around this time, mainly impulsive petty theft, inserting himself in dangerous situations, and manipulation through charm with adults and intimidation and violence with other children. Due to his family’s last shreds of political strength and their long time in the area, most of these incidents were swept under the rug or outright ignored by his family. This generally left a very angry, disgusted-with-others, burgeoning narcissistic young Morzan to his own devices.

When Morzan was chosen by his dragon, his parents were quietly glad that he wouldn’t be their responsibility anymore. They didn’t disclose any of his troubling behaviors and Morzan was quick to understand that he would need to tamp the more obvious ones down and manipulate others into hiding his transgressions.

Despite all this, Morzan and his dragon do deeply care for each other. Due to Morzan’s mind linking with the hatchling, there was a sort of evening out of his behaviors as some were ‘shared’ do the hatchling and some of the hatchling’s personality was ‘shared’ with Morzan. This is what helped Morzan fly under the radar for so much longer until his eventual betrayal.

On a lighter note, Morzan shot up like a weed when he hit puberty, once growing nearly five inches (~12.7 cm) over the span of a year. It took a year or so for his muscles to visibly bulk up, so he was this tall gangly teenager for a while. His clothes constantly needed altering.

Initially Morzan doesn’t really know what to think of Oromis and Glaedr. His family was always distracted from giving him the attention and nurturing he needed, and suddenly he has not only this baby dragon who he can share his frustrations and emotions with but also parental figures.

Eventually he warmed up to them, but more in the sense that he became attached to their attention and the praise he got when he did well in magic and other lessons. He didn’t showboat as much, but would push himself to get more compliments, praise and attention from Oromis. Oromis saw this more as Morzan taking his training seriously. There were a few instances of Morzan and his dragon being pointed out as instigators of some scuffles or small acts of possible, unproven acts of sabotage harming or tripping up other Riders-in-training, but these were generally believed to be accidents or bad luck.

Morzan’s bullying and belittling of Brom was the result of Morzan feeling like his unfettered access to Oromis and Glaedr’s attention was being threatened. He knew he couldn’t get away with physically injuring Brom and Saphira I, so his physical actions never really went past ‘accidental’ full force hits in sparring and roughhousing. If Brom got praise or compliments from Oromis, Morzan would seethe quietly, eventually exploding in rage at some later point after it built up. Again, Oromis merely thought this was just adolescent growing pains.

Wooo! That is getting LONG, eh? I’ve got more, but for now I’m going to move on to Oromis and his feelings around Morzan’s betrayal and link you to whatever extra stuff I add later. I’m really unsure about the timeline of when Morzan betrayed the Riders and when it was known that he had, so I’m mostly going to skip that chunk. Let's go!

Modern Inheritance!Oromis

Even without 100% knowing/being sure of Morzan’s betrayal, I think there was a whirlwind of confusion and general chaos when Galbatorix murdered Shurikan’s original Rider. Who was a child. A Rider had murdered a child Rider and while everyone knew Galbatorix was unstable I don’t think anyone would have expected that. Oromis was swept up in all this and didn’t have time to really ask where Morzan was. I mean, Morzan was a grown man at that point and well beyond Oromis’s control.

Morzan’s involvement was probably confirmed without a doubt at the initial attack on Ilirea, and Oromis and Glaedr didn’t have time to process this until after their brief capture.

Oromis felt some really strong guilt. That’s putting it bluntly.  Let’s expand it, shall we?

First off, I think Oromis felt some guilt over not being able to help in the sort of final big battle at Ilirea. He was previously quite powerful since he was on the council that refused Galbatorix a new dragon (that’s a whole other topic to look at later on btw), and despite his age and wisdom I think it’s safe to assume that any sudden event causing massive life changes can be pretty shocking. Oromis felt powerless and after the deaths that occured in Galbatorix’s initial attack with the Forsworn on the Riders, I think he knew that there would be more. And all he and Glaedr could do was hide in Ellesméra and tend to their wounds and new maladies.

As they healed I’m pretty sure Oromis spent a lot of time thinking ‘how could I have stopped this?’ Hindsight is...well, whatever-elves-have/20, and Oromis would have put all the signs together that were telling him that there was something off about Morzan from the start. He probably thought subconsciously that he was fixing Morzan and didn’t want to acknowledge just how dangerous that little 10 year old boy and scrawny hatchling he had met all those years ago had become as he grew. There was also a lot of guilt post-Ilirea’s final fall around not protecting Brom from Morzan enough, and feeling like a lot of Brom’s pain was Oromis’s own fault because of this.

Oh man, Oromis also has heaps of survivors guilt about the Riders that, while he does work through it and focuses on extending his life to train the next Rider, never really fades completely. He understands that he could not fight in his condition, but there’s always the nagging ‘what if’ questions that can rear up unexpectedly.

Once he learns of Murtagh and Thorn and their forced fealty to Galbatorix, I think Oromis’s guilt probably pushed him over to definitely join the fight at Gil’ead. It’s likely that he feels that if he had separated Brom and Morzan, had taken the signs of Morzan’s growing antisocial disorder seriously and gotten him proper help, and hadn’t been so blind during the Golden Age, then in some strange way he may have prevented everything from happening. Morzan wouldn’t have let Galbatorix into Ilirea, Shruikan wouldn’t have been stolen, the Forsworn wouldn’t have been influenced by Galbatorix and Morzan (who used his manipulative charm to sway some), and it all comes to, in the end, Murtagh and Thorn, both relatively innocent in this and dragged in only due to parentage and some situations which they have no control over, would have never been forced through torture and cruelty to join Galbatorix and fight people they once saw as friends and family.

Overall I think Oromis, while having processed/processing and come to terms with the Riders Fall and the hand he inadvertently had in it due to his connection to and, in some ways, his failures surrounding Morzan, he still carries this deep feeling of guilt. He doesn’t let it simply sit there though, as he pushes himself to be able to train the next generation, but it’s always there.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH okay that’s what I’ve got for now. Holy shit that’s a lot of bulletpoints, huh? 

I spent some time researching antisocial behavior and Antisocial Personality Disorder, but per usual I want to state that I am by no means an expert, and the behaviors and traits portrayed here are not the only results, symptoms, or scenarios that can occur when someone has antisocial behavior or ASPD. Mental health is a difficult subject to write about, especially when I have no personal or second hand experience with the specifics, and I’m always open to educating myself on these topics. I am doing my best to learn so that I don’t stereotype or offend. If there are comments/concerns/critique please please don’t ever feel bad about messaging me privately, via the comments, via reblog, or through the ask box point out what I got wrong or if you simply want to share your experiences or concerns. 

I’ll probably have more Morzan specific backstory and ideas later on, but for now I need to make some dinner and get to work on the other ask. Cheers!

Thank you again to @siriusly-misunderstood-creatures​ for the ask! I always appreciate asks and comments, they make my brain work!!

[jawritter]

Living With Regret

Summary: Death can be hard to deal with in any aspect, but when you’re in the life, it's something you deal with all to often, and carry with you until it's your turn to burn.

Warnings: Angst, Drinking, mentions of OC character death, swearing, hints of depression. I think that's it.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Word Count: 2387

A/N: This is a Patreon Exclusive that I’m bringing to Tumblr as a way to celebrate the return of my electricity! LOL! Please do not copy my work! This fic is unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine!! I hope you all enjoy this one!!

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The hunt was bad, very bad. You had lost a friend, another piece to the puzzle of your heart now gone permanently from you, leaving a new hole to form a hard callous over. You wondered ideally as you pulled your duffle off your shoulder, and dropped it onto your bed if you would ever get used to losing people, or would ever one hurt as bad as the first time?

You knew hunting was hard when you’d gotten into it, but how could you live in a world that monster existed in, and not try and fight back? To you that would have been just like rolling over and giving up. 

 When that Werewolf back in your hometown had killed your parents, you had readily joined the Winchesters. Much to Dean’s dismay, he would have rather you go on to try and live a normal life, but how were you supposed to do that after what had happened to you? Nothing had ever been fixed by anyone burying your head in the sand, and pretending that it didn’t exist in hopes it would all go away. 

You had been with the boys since John had died. So it was safe to say that you had been with them long enough to know that no matter how much you were hurting right now Dean was hurting that much worse. 

He didn’t know Ben very well, but he carried the same name as Lisa’s son. That alone had opened up some bad memories for Dean anyway. Tonight though, as you watched your friend’s body burn, you could see it in Dean’s eyes, regret. 

He didn’t open up very often to anyone. Dean had walls that would have made the architects of Jericho jealous. Marching around those bad boys for seven days wouldn’t have done shit, because you had been marching around them for years and to no avail. 

You had always carried a torch for the elder Winchester. Even though you weren’t dumb enough to tell him that. If Dean thought anyone was getting too close to him he’d push them away as a way of “keeping them safe,” because he believed that he had some target painted on his ass that would doom anyone he cared about. 

The two of you had somewhat of a “friends with benefits” arrangement that worked out well for the life that you lived, and you were determined that if that part of him was all you could have, then that would be enough.

Dean had two settings after a rough hunt, he’d either be in here tearing your clothes off, and using you as a way to erase some of the pain he felt for just a little while, or he’d shut down completely for days and not let anyone in. Looks like tonight was going to be the latter. 

You rummage around in your special stash of whiskey that you keep for special occasions, and a couple of tumblers before heading to Dean’s room. If Dean wanted to shut down and block everyone out then you knew the only way to stop it was to force your way in, well as far as you could anyway, and try to pull it out of him. 

Dean was the kind of guy that carried things with him. He never let it go. Never. He held onto things better than a nun with a grudge. He carried every loss, every mistake, every failure, and he would take it to his grave. You attributed that to John Winchester’s A+ parenting. 

Dean was always to be the perfect son and in turn the perfect soldier. Even though you know Dean as an adult now realized that John was nothing but a narcissistic, abusive asshole, he was his dad, and it still hurt, and he still carried the way he raised him. 

You didn’t bother knocking on the door of Dean’s room. It was cracked away. So you just pushed it open, and Dean barely even turned to look at you from his position on the bed with his headphones in place. You could faintly hear the classic rock music blaring through them. Probably hoping it would be loud enough to drown out whatever voices in his head that was screaming at him tonight. 

He pulled the headphones off with a sigh, and set them on his nightstand next to his bed, giving you a weak smile as he shoved over to give you sitting room, and taking one of the tumblers and the whiskey from your hand. 

“Spill Winchester?” you said, flopping down next to him dramatically, trying to keep this conversation as light as possible so that Dean wouldn’t just shut down, and stop talking. If you could even get him to start that is. 

Dean let out a long exasperated sigh as he poured a healthy three fingers to each glass. 

“Just… I don’t know. I guess I’m just tired tonight, sweetheart. I'll be fine in the morning.” Dean said, taking a generous drink from his glass. You stared at him with narrow eyes until he snorted a sarcastic laugh, and shook his head. “Okay, so you didn’t buy that then.” 

“How long have we known each other, De? I think I can tell when you're bullshitting me by now,” you state matter of factly, watching him closely as you take a sip of your drink.

Dean licked his lips before pulling his plump bottom lip between his perfect white teeth, eyes a thousand miles away from this room. 

“I guess I’m just tired of losing people, Y/N/N. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there fast enough to save Ben. I’m sorry you had to burn your friend’s body tonight.”

You watched him closely, knowing full well that wasn’t even a scratch on the surface of what was really going on with Dean. You had known him too long. You decided to play along anyway, and see if you could get him to open up to you a little.

“Dean, it’s part of the job. Ben knew the risk, and it didn’t matter how fast we got there it was too late. He drew the short straw. It could have easily been any one of us. At least now Ben can rest, at least now he doesn’t have to fight anymore.” 

You hoped you sounded convincing because right now you weren’t even sure about how much rest people got in death. You had killed enough ghosts and fought enough Demons to know that you didn’t always get a white robe, and a beach house on the shores of paradise when you died.

Dean nodded his head, and took a long drink from his glass, polishing it off, and refilling it before settling into his pillow that was propped against his headboard. His eyes looked distant and dark, and you knew that even if you got him to open up just a little tonight, it would scratch the surface of horrors Dean had seen in his life.

“I have lost so many people. Friends, family, other hunters that died way before their time like Ben. He would have been pretty close to Ben’s age by now, he may have been only a few years older than the Ben I knew.” 

Dean’s eyes shifted over to you carefully. You sat quietly and just waited for him to continue. Determined not to push him in any way.

“I will never not regret exposing them to this life, even if Cas did erase their memories,”  Dean said, shaking his head, and playing with the string on his sweatpants. 

“You mean because you still love Lisa?” you asked, mentally slapping yourself before for not keeping your mouth shut, and asking him something so personal. Dean chuckled at the shocked look on your face, knowing damn well you didn’t mean to say that.

“No, I never loved Lisa. She was… Comfort when I needed the distraction after Sam went to the cage. Then, when I found out Sam was back, she was a burden. She never supported me. No matter what I never fit into her perfect little Stepford husband, picture-perfect family. 

You must have had a shocked look on your face because Dean chuckled again into his glass before he refilled yours.  “Don’t look so shook, sweetheart.” 

“Sorry,” you mumbled, looking down at the brown liquor in your glass, and avoiding Dean’s watchful gaze.  

“I guess, I just always thought that you loved her because you told Sam to never bring her up again.” 

Dean nodded his head thoughtfully. “That was regret talking. I felt like shit because I felt like I ruined their lives. When I should have just left them alone. If I would have just left them alone, then Lisa wouldn't have gotten possessed, and almost died, and Bed would have maybe had a real dad.” 

You thought about that in silence for a long time before taking a sip of your drink again. Letting it burn all the way down to your toes, warming you, pushing the cold you felt inside away for just a little while.

“I guess I haven’t really ‘loved’ anyone, since Cassie,” Dean said. Now that a crack in the dam had formed, it all seemed to be waiting to flood out, and you were more than willing to listen. 

“I told her things about me no one else knew. I trusted her, and she ripped my heart out. Not once, but twice. After that, I’ve never really been able to let go again. Never really could trust another woman. I wouldn’t let myself get close to anyone. Well, anyone except you.” Dean said, giving her a half-hearted smile before turning his attention back to his spot he’d been staring at on the wall. 

“I carry so much regret. Things I could have changed but wasn’t good enough or fast enough to change. Joe and Ellen died because of me. Ash died because of me. Bobby died trying to save me. I left Jack alone with mom knowing that he was unstable, so that’s on me too. Kevin is somewhere staggering around a ghost that I will probably have to hunt and salt and burn one day. That’s because of me. I let myself get close to one woman, and she fucked me up so bad that I can’t get past it, and that’s because of me.”

Dean let out a dry laugh before his eyes turned to meet yours. “I can’t look back on one damn thing I’ve done in my life that I can say I’m proud of. Except for maybe the fact that Sammy turned out okay. Other than that I was never good enough, and I never will be.” 

If your heart could have stopped beating, and you still be breathing, at that moment you were almost sure that’s what had happened. The truth in his little declaration, or at least the truth as he saw it, was enough to break your heart into an unfixable, shattered mess. 

If only he could see what you saw. Someone who was smart, handsome, funny, charismatic, talented, strong, a hero. One who had endured more hurt and heartache than any one person should ever have to in their life. Someone who was constantly cut down, and underrated. Someone who deserved so much better than what this life had given him. Someone who deserved love, whether he believed it or not.

In a momentarily fit of bravery, you reached across the empty space in between you, and grabbed his hand in your own. Dean looked down and smiled a little, lacing his fingers with yours before bringing the back of your hand up to his lips, brushing a quick peck across your skin. 

“Dean, you can’t blame yourself for everything that goes wrong, John was an asshole, Cassie was a bitch, Lisa was an unsupportive moron who didn’t realize what she had, Jo? Well, Jo died a hero, just like she always wanted. Ash and everyone else knew the dangers of this life, just like Ben did, and you can’t carry all that with you all the time. Dean, you’ve saved so many people. The good outways the bad, trust me.”

Dean’s eyes searched yours for a moment before he leaned in and closed the distance between you, brushing his lips lightly over your own before kissing you slowly. It was a tender thing, one that was laced with fear, and hurt, and regret, something that Dean would always live with no matter what you say to him. 

This life comes with some form of regret to everyone, but no one should have to shoulder it all alone. If he’d ever just let you, you’d gladly help to shoulder some of his burdens, but tonight was not the night to talk about that. 

Tonight, tonight Dean just needed you to be close to him. So that’s what you intended to do. 

When Dean finally broke the kiss he leaned his forehead against your own, taking a deep breath before pulling the covers back, offering her a spot next to him. “Stay with me tonight baby girl?” he said in more of a plea than a question. You smiled and nodded, making yourself comfortable in his arms as his lips brushed over your own again after he flipped the lights off on the old lamp sitting on his bedside table.

Dean didn’t know how to tell you yet, but you made him feel things he never thought he’d feel again. Having you this close to him right now, made his heart feel like it could beat a little easier. He could feel himself falling for you as you fell asleep in his arms. He wouldn’t tell you though, not right now. He did vow that it would be soon because tomorrow wasn’t promised, and he was determined that this time, this time he could finally have that thing he was missing the most in the shitstorm of regret, hurt, and scars, and that was you. The piece that had been missing all along. He may have lived his whole life with regret, but that didn’t mean he had to die in it, and whether you knew it or not, you gave him something he never thought he’d have again… Hope.

Forever Tags: @deanmonandnegansbitch​ @hayleeharling​ @flamencodiva​ @coldmuffinbanditshoe​ @bxbyizzy​ @rain-dance-goblin​ @itmejado​ @supernatural3002​ @teresa-67​ @deanwanddamons​ @rvgrsbrns​ @bi-danvers0​ @onethirstyunicorn​ @i-love-superhero​ @akshi8278​ @lyss-dw79​ @magssteenkamp​ @lemondropirwin​ @squirrelnotsam​ @hobby27​ @spnbaby-67​ @mrsjenniferwinchester​ @defenderrosetyler​ @screechingartisancashbailiff​ @thecreatiivecorner​ @aflamboyanceofgays @vicmc624​ @busy-bee-angel-misska​ @justanotherwinchester​ @brilovesdeanwinchester​ @idksupernatural​ @lyarr24 @amandamdiehl​ @love-jackles-37-blog​ @miraclesoflove​ @Waywardsistershy @emoryhemsworth​ @dean-winchesters-gardian-angel​ @softsebastian​ @tatted-trina6​

[tea-at-221]

The TJLC Debacle: 3 years out from S4 and counting; the copyright mini-theory; so much salt I’m bloated; but in the end, there is peace (I love you Johnlockers)

Ugh, don't even talk to me about Mary.

Don't even talk to me about the way Mofftiss have said they're sick of responding to fans on the subject of Johnlock. Of how they've said they're "not telling anyone else what to think or write about them" (as if they could stop us; as if they even own Sherlock themselves. Do keep reading, because this point becomes much more relevant and in-jokey later on). Don't even mention how they've bitched and whined incessantly because--god forbid--fans got *really really* into their show and emotionally invested.

They're so eager to discount all the beautiful little moments they wrote as accidents. And Arwel, who planted all those props, continually demonstrates that he's on their side (a not-very in-depth-analysis of his Instagram account and the way he interacted with fans towards the beginning of the pandemic showed as much, but I think maybe he’s grown a bit wiser and quieter since at least in terms of Johnlock and all things elephant-related. I don’t know for sure because I stopped looking.)

Anyway--they'd actually prefer for us to celebrate our own intelligence, is I suppose a charitable way of looking at it: our ability to make connections between things in the show; our metas on symbolism; our insightful fanfic; etc., and denounce them as the bad writers that they ultimately are.

More under the cut.

(This post may be of interest to you especially if you came to the fandom a bit later: multiple links to things of relevance/quotes/explanations appear both within and at the end of this entry.)

Because what makes a writer good?

Well, an ability to make people feel an emotional connection to their work, for one. I know this is just my own perspective, but if not for Johnlock, all my emotion about the show would evaporate. There wouldn't be much else there. Other people might get something, but I wouldn’t. Is some of the writing witty and entertaining regardless of any inferred/implied Johnlock? Yeah but, eh, a lot of shows have some good writing and I just don’t give a damn about them.

What makes a writer good?

Not making promises to the reader/viewer that they'll never keep. Plot holes, leading dialogue ("There’s stuff you wanted to say...but didn’t say it.” “Yeah”) never followed through on, puns that are apparently, I suppose, unintentional (e.g. "'Previous' commander?" "I meant 'ex'").

Uh, not writing continual gay jokes that aren't actually pointing toward the inference that people are making them because there's actually something going on there under the surface. (How about just don't make those jokes ever.)

Not being, apparently, oblivious (? questionable) to the queerbaiting they're engaging in *as they’re writing it.*

Acting like their LGBT audience is in the wrong/the bad guy, instead of choosing to remain respectful in the face of dissent. Instead it's just, "we never wrote it that way" / "We never played it that way."

A lot of those other mildly witty shows don’t actually blatantly drag their most passionate fans face-down through the mud the writers themselves created. Imagine that.

I'm not even a fan of Martin Freeman anymore, for the way he handled the whole thing (getting angry, the comments he made about how the fans made Sherlock “not fun anymore”...apparently Martin’s packing up his crayons and going home?)...no offense to anyone who is still a fan of his. I don’t make it a habit to drag him. I do to some degree understand his frustration with having the whole situation taken out on him--he’s just an actor in the show--but I simply wish he’d remained as cool and professional about it as Benedict Cumberbatch instead of pointing at the fans. You’re pointing in the wrong direction, mate.

What also irks me at the end of the day is this: the subsection of people who legitimately responded badly to the TJLC/S4 debacle and went above and beyond to harass the writers and actors/actresses on social media are *few and far between*, but we've been lumped in with them by what feels like...everyone, Martin included. TJLCers/Johnlockers (not the same group, but often treated as such) have been made to look like a bunch of rambunctious, immature, demanding children time and time and again in the wake of S4.

They'd rather, what, suggest John was so in love with Mary? THAT was the relationship they wanted to uphold in that show as so significant and...what, a demonstration of how honorable it is to respect your heterosexual relationship despite, you know...ANYTHING?

Yeah sorry, I don’t believe in that. John’s text-based affair, whether a disappointment for some as to his supposed character, was a very human reaction and I kinda sorta feel like I would have reacted MUCH more strongly than that had I been John. But nope. He stayed with Mary and was *ashamed* of his wandering eye. Ashamed that maybe he wanted to be admired by someone. I can’t think of a scene, off the top of my head, where Mary ever interacted with John without belittling him in some way--if not with words, then with consistently patronizing glances.

The message here is that heterosexuality is not just acceptable, but VALUABLE, however it manifests--but god forbid anyone see a queer subtext. (Why are lgbt+ writers some of the very WORST offenders where this is concerned? And they defend it! Is this childhood nostalgia/Stockholm Syndrome of the very fondest variety or what? Gay angst is all they got if they got anything at all, so it’s still good enough as far as “representation” goes?)

They really want to tell the story of John as so emotionally/mentally fucked up that he surrounds himself with unstable people time and again. They never give any reason *why* he might do that (which they could have done even soooo subtly), or delve into his past--just, apparently it's okay to assume that Sherlock's comment about "she's like that because you chose her" is exactly that.

No. Sherlock and Mary are NOT the same. Not...*remotely*!

Mary is underhanded and evil. She lies. She manipulates. She schemes. Her “love” is based on selfishness, and her assumption that John is a simpleton and hers to mold. She's in it for herself.

Sherlock hides. He prevaricates. He feels. He loves John. He does fucked up things in the name of love, but always for the benefit of those he loves. When he screws up, which he obviously does, it’s painful to us as the audience because we see that it is painful for him when he recognizes and regrets it.

I have never seen Mary regret anything. Those crocodile tears at Christmas? More manipulation. Inconsistent with anything else we were shown about her as a character.

To even think for a SECOND that people could ship Mary and John and mentally condemn John for cheating on Mary AFTER SHE SHOT HIS BEST FRIEND...as if marriage is the be-all-end-all free pass in which every sin must be forgiven until the end of time...as if John broke any covenant with his wife beyond those she broke from the very moment she walked into his life *with an entire fake past.* Is just. Well. It's asking us to accept gaslighting as healthy, loving, normal, *preferable* behavior, so...given the source that message is coming from, it's all a bit meta.

THAT. Is insanity. Maybe Mofftiss are the sociopaths.

How these men could write characters they themselves understand so little (or tell us they understand so little because their emotional maturity has yet to surpass that of the average three-year-old’s), I will never know. I can only imagine that they have absorbed, by osmosis over their lives, real and nuanced human behavior...then churned it back out again in their writing unaware, a bit like psychopaths who teach themselves what "normal" people do so that they can pass as psychologically sound in regular society.

Remember, we *are* talking about men who do these sorts of things:

Moffat says that Sherlock is celibate and that people who claim he's misogynistic when he does things like make Irene Adler imply she's attracted to the detective (even though she's a lesbian) are, ironically, "deeply offensive" (despite lines like "look at us both" in Battersea. We aren't your therapists, Moffat--we don't care what you meant, we care what you said, and what you *said* was clear. *Implying* it does not let you off the hook).

Gatiss has proclaimed that "I find flirting with the homoeroticism in Sherlock much more interesting" than the idea of ever making a show addressing LGBT issues. (That link is to a reddit forum, and I can't find the original interview anymore, but I assure you I had seen the actual article myself ages back and can't find it online again now along with some of the Martin quotes I wanted to link to. And nevermind what Gatiss has done with LGBT shows/issues since--my focus here is on what he has said, versus what he and Moffat have since claimed regarding their queerbaiting.)

Here’s a transcript of this screenshot:

"...many people come up and say they didn't realise." Despite this lack of public awareness, being part of the gay community is clearly important to Gatiss: "The older I get the more I want to give something back. I mean, I keep meaning to do something." When asked if he'd be interested in making a series about gay issues his response was enlightening:

"No, I don't think I'd make a kind of gay programme. It's much more interesting when it's not about a single issue. And equally, I find flirting with the homoeroticism in Sherlock much more interesting. Of course this reflects the grand picture of everyone's strange make-up; there are good gay people and bad gay people. I wouldn't like to make an issue film around the culture of being gay."

Instead Gatiss' interest seems to lie in making a drama where sexuality is, if not mundane, part of the wider framework: "I'd quite like to do something about a quite happy, ordinary gay person who's just incidentally gay. For example, a three-part thriller for ITV where the lead character just happens to be gay; when they finally go home, say 45 minutes in, and they had a same sex partner. That to me would be genuinely progressive. It wouldn't be a three-part gay thriller for ITV. It would be that this character just happened to be gay."

--End article quote.

And instead, who is canonically gay in the series? Well, Irene Adler. The innkeepers at the Cross Keys. And perhaps most notably, the *villains*, because that's a helpful trope: Moriarty and Eurus are, in S4, both implied to be at least bisexual.

Any character should be able to be any sexuality, this is true. But can we have some main characters, the good guys, give some good representation? Can't we start making that the standard, rather than the villains and the background characters? Because so far, that is the exception and not the rule.

Writers need to be aware of the damage they are perpetuating. We are not quite in a world yet where any character should be able to be any sexuality but isn't, yet we have no problem with saying the villain is LGBT+ or looks different/functions differently than much of the viewing audience.

"Male friendship is important and valid, not everything has to be gay"--this is a popular point with casual heterosexual viewers (and, to my chagrin, some of my LGBT+ friends) who don't fully grasp what "queerbaiting" is, often even when it's pointed out to them.

The lens of heterosexuality is real. My first time through watching BBC Sherlock, I didn't see the Johnlock at all. I had to look for it and read about it. When I saw it, the lens was lifted for me, and it changed my life and the way I view things forever (and for the best).

But back to my point about how little Mofftiss seem to understand their own story/most ardent fans, and then on to my other theory: in S4 it must be that they dropped their “psychopaths emulating empathy” act and indulged in their own "insane wish fulfillment" by doing away with all of the meaning, continuity, and sense. Right?

So, here’s the alternate theory. One which is not, please remember, in their defense.

Remember that S4 is what Mofftiss are *happy* to have us believe is what they'd do with these characters, given the chance to do whatever they wanted. I repeat, in Moffat’s own words: “Insane wish fulfillment.”

Okay I get it, this pasta has been over-salted.

Without further delay: MY COPYRIGHT RESEARCH THEORY THAT EVEN I DON'T PUT MUCH STOCK IN AND WHICH DOESN’T MAKE UP FOR THEIR CRUELTY EVEN IF TRUE

Part of me also raises an eyebrow at S4 as perhaps an example of the effect of the Conan Doyle estate on any modern production in the US. While it’s true that all of Sherlock is part of public domain in the UK and has been for quite a long time, Gatiss and Moffat still talk about it being partially under copyright. Specifically, the last 10 stories. I’m supposing that this means that because Sherlock airs internationally, or due to whatever contract the BBC has with the Doyle estate, they are still limited by the copyright as to what they can “publish”.

The Doyle estate is known for being a pain in the ass when it comes to abiding by copyright law as everyone else knows and practices it. They’ve tried to argue, for example (in 2013 and, much more recently, with the advent of Enola Holmes), that because Holmes and Watson were not fully developed as their final selves until the conclusion of all 10 stories still under copyright, then perhaps the characters themselves should still be protected, basically, in full.

It’s true that certain elements of the remaining stories are still under copyright here in the US (Watson had more than one wife--uh huh, we have that to look forward to, Johnlockers; the Garridebs moment is still under copyright--yeah, I’m getting to that too; and Sherlock didn’t care much for dogs til later so that’s not allowed either, fuck off Redbeard), but the estate’s problem in 2013 seemed to be based around a fear that *gasp* some day--if not right now!--anyone could write a Sherlock Holmes story in any way they pleased, changing the characters however they wished to and giving those characters “multiple personalities.”

See the following excerpt from the Estate’s case:

“...at any given point in their fictional lives, the two men's characters depend on the Ten Stories. It is impossible to split the characters into public domain versions and complete versions.”

(Click for full transcript.)

Obviously, by this point, that’s been done in multiple iterations. So I dunno. Their argument was *more* than muddy to begin with--they just grasp at straws to stay in control, it seems.

But okay. Backing up: wasn’t there sort-of a Garridebs moment in S4?!?? you cry. Yep. But imagine this: the Conan Doyle estate taking Mofftiss to court to argue that they depicted the Garridebs moment--a moment still under copyright--in The Final Problem.

Did they, though? Did they really?

The fandom cried out about the ridiculousness--the utter disappointment--of that moment when it was shown. It was not what we would have expected/wanted. We didn’t see John injured, Sherlock reacting with tender outrage to the good doctor’s attacker.

Instead we saw some ludicrous BS that was as bad as the clown with the sword-gun-umbrella. More of that.

I think Martin probably found that it was easy to produce real tears when he thought about how fucking terrible the S4 scripts were.

Ahem. Yet, this all seems very Mofftiss-flavored in terms of humor.

I can all-too-easily imagine them saying, “HA. We’re going to show some of these supposedly copyrighted things--and if they take us to court, they’ll be laughed out of the room.” Could that explain some of the overall S4 fuckery?

Sherlock wasn’t supposed to like dogs til later stories, as previously mentioned-- is that why Redbeard pulled a “Cinderella’s carriage” and transformed into a pumpkin (Victor Trevor)? Hmm. Sigh.

It...doesn’t actually appear that the estate has any qualms about taking laughable stuff to court, I mean...*shrug.* They have the money to do it, and money is the name of the game, because you’ve got to pay for rights (cha-ching sounds).

Yep, it does seem that the estate is open to the copyrighted materials being made reality, but who knows for what price or with what caveats. The BBC isn’t, so far as I’ve ever heard, known for throwing money around. Early Doctor Who would be so much less entertaining if they’d had any sort of budget. (And in fact, more of the older episodes would exist, but apparently the BBC--in part to cut costs--reused some of their tapes.)

My bottom-line bitter is this: Mofftiss do like to amuse themselves. To please themselves and no one else, as they’ve shown time and again. Sure, they could do whatever they wanted with S4...and they did...but they were also cruel about it, and that’s what I’ll never forgive them--OR the BBC--for.

A lot of fans gave up after series 4. I was very nearly one of them. I was angry, like just about every other Johnlocker and/or TJLCer, but I was really truly heartbroken. I couldn’t look at fanfiction. My days were full of bitterness and I keenly felt the lack of the fandom outlet that had become so essential to my mental well-being. I didn't know how to overcome the disparity between TJLC and what the show actually was. I didn't know how to separate the things I loved so much from the shitty writers and the way the BBC handled things with their whole response letter (that atrocious, childish blanket response they sent to everyone who complained about S4, not just the Johnlockers/TJLCers. Related to your complaint or not, if you filed one post-S4, this was the response you got). I still boycott BBC shows/merchandise, just by the way.

I tried to link to the blanket response letter but the link didn’t want to work (it’s an old reddit post; I had difficulty finding a copy of the letter elsewhere though at one point it wasn’t so hard...Google is weird these days y’all...tell me it’s not just me) so here’s a screenshot:

Transcript:

“Thank you for contacting us about “Sherlock”.

The BBC and Hartswood Films have received feedback from some viewers who were disappointed there was not a romantic resolution to the relationship between Sherlcok and John in the finale of the latest season of “Sherlock”.

We are aware that the majority of this feedback uses the same text posted on websites and circulated on social media.

Through four series and thirteen episodes, Sherlock and John have never shown any romantic or sexual interest in each other. Furthermore, whenever the creators of “Sherlock” have been asked by fans if the relationship might develop in that direction, they have always made it clear that it would not.

Sherlock’s writers, cast and producers have long been firm and vocal supporters of LGBT rights.

The BBC does not accept the allegations leveled at “Sherlock” or its writers, and we wholeheartedly support the creative freedom of the writers to develop the story as they see fit.

We will of course register your disappointment.

Thank you for contacting us.

Kind Regards,

BBC Complaints Team

So how about that? *Did* they “register our disappointment”? We can actually check that. The BBC’s website has a monthly summary of complaints received. So what did they receive in January 2017, the month S4 aired?

Huh, what do you know. Sounds like that blanket response was exactly the “fuck you” it came across as.

But the show--the FANDOM--had filled a need in my life, and so I had to own that and make it mine, or just...let something in me die: something that felt like an actual vital organ. I had to decide that these characters mean something to me beyond what anyone else tells me they should. I had to accept my own perceptions as truth, as I do with everything else in my life. I had to overcome the idea of canon as law (BBC Sherlock isn't canon anyway; ACD is canon. BBC Sherlock is, in the end, badly written fanfiction--or--worse?--decent pre-slash fanfiction distorted by consistent lies and the hazing of the LGBT audience, topped with the dumpster fire of S4′s incoherent nonsense).

I had to take the good and throw away the bad, just like anyone else who chose to stay. The good bits of the show...dialogue, yes. Plot points, yes. These awful writers did write some good stuff sometimes.

They just broke all the unspoken rules of what not to do to your audience. And then did and said everything they could not to apologize, and to justify their own failings. Which, in the years since I began shipping queer ships beyond any others, I have unfortunately experienced more than once.

So, my vulnerability has been yeeted into the vacuum of broke-my-trustdom: no one can tell me what things should mean to me. I will decide.

I decide that all of the FUCKING AMAZING writing in the Sherlock fandom is a staple in my life that makes it worth living. And that that's okay. And takes precedence over anything the writers or anyone else associated with the show could ever say or do.

Johnlock can not be taken away. It doesn't belong to them. It never did, even if they brought us to it. It belongs to us. To the group of amazingly creative, brainy, empathetic, resourceful, vibrant, resilient people who make up this fandom.

So thank YOU, all of YOU, for giving me Sherlock, Johnlock, and TJLC.

I am SO SAD for those who never found a way to make peace with this fandom again. Let me just say that I understand that inability entirely.

I am fortunate that I found the ability in myself to cling to the joy (something it has taken my whole life to be able to do). I hope others will who haven’t yet but wish they could.

Let Mofftiss and whoever sides with them stay angry and bitter and vicious, always looking over their shoulders for anyone who dares to whisper about subtext.

I’m proud to be part of what they’re whispering so angrily about.

Thanks for sticking it out if you made it this far. I know this was very self-indulgent and rambly.

Articles of interest:

A Study in Queerbaiting (Or How Sherlock Got it All Wrong) by Marty Greyson

“We never played it like that.” - Martin on Johnlock

Henry Cavill on the Enola Holmes lawsuit

More on that--and by the way Sherlock isn’t allowed to like dogs

The way Sherlock creators told fans Sherlock & John aren’t gay is so rude

Especially for those new to the fandom who may not know the distinction between TJLC and Johnlockers and want to know more about TJLC's evolution/what it is/meta through the years

Moffat's view on asexuality, offensive to me in particular *as* an asexual person (same article where he claims he isn't misogynistic): "If he was asexual, there would be no tension in that, no fun in that – it's someone who abstains who's interesting."

Yet he says Sherlock isn't gay or straight and that he's trying to keep his brain pure which is a "very Victorian attitude"

(Nice historical research there, Moff--actually the Victorians were sex-positive).

Sherlock fans were robbed of the gay ending they deserved

Benedict Cumberbatch has lashed out at his Sherlock co-star Martin Freeman over his negative attitude towards fans

BBC complaints January 2017

Martin Freeman: 'Sherlock is gayest story ever'

From 2016: UNPOPULAR OPINION: "Sherlock" Isn't Sexist or Queerbaiting; It's Actually Trying to Stage a Revolution

Queer-baiting on the BBC's Sherlock: Addressing the Invalidation of Queer Identities through Online Fan Fiction Communities by Cassidy Sheehan

[heyyyharry]

Chapter 4: Winton

(from the My Girl Trilogy: Stay Mine)

…in which Harry and Y/N finally meet Harry’s father and he’s not what they expected.

Word count: 5.8k

AU: actor!Harry, older!Harry, younger!Y/N, (4-year age gap).

Wattpad link (original character: Thea as Y/N)

A/N: I’m on vacation right now and I brought my laptop to write but I couldn’t write with my family around so I’m sorry I haven’t written any new blurb 😂 I will next week when I get home.

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The next day, Harry, Y/N, and Isaac came to the address Emilia had given them. It was a cheap tower block quite far from Harry’s North London house. Y/N found it strange that a twenty-something was still living with her father, but she didn’t want to judge anyone before getting to know them.

As the building didn’t have a lift, they had to use the narrow staircase to get to the fourth floor. The walls were stained and the floor was unclean. There was no window in the hallway and the only source of light was the blinking lightbulb on the dark grey ceiling.

“This place seems even worse than mine,” Y/N said, following Isaac as he checked every door for the right flat number.

With an arm around her shoulders, Harry spoke, “your place is still pretty shit, babe.”

“True.” Y/N chuckled, but then she realised what it actually meant. “Hey, I know what you’re trying to do!”

“Well, I’m not trying to do anything.” He shrugged. “You hate my big mansion anyway so, what’s the point?”

“Then why did you bring it up?”

As she shot him a glare, he burst out laughing and pulled her in for a hug. “I was only joking.”

“That wasn’t funny.”

“Yes, it was. You should’ve seen your face.”

“Guys!” Isaac called from the end of the hallway, pointing to a door as the couple rushed up to him. “Here it is. Flat no. 28.”

Y/N raised an eyebrow. “Well?”

“You do it.” Isaac nudged Harry, who nudged him right back.

“No, you do it. Your girlfriend lives here.”

“One, she’s not my girlfriend. Two, you’re here to see your dad.”

“I don’t consider him as my dad so--”

“Oh my fucking god!” Y/N cried out as she pushed the men apart and knocked on the door, glaring at both of them.

Harry sucked in a breath. When he squeezed her hand, she could tell he was nervous so she patted him on the back and reassured him that it would be okay. Meanwhile, Isaac stayed quiet. Y/N assumed it must have been because of her, as they hadn’t exchanged a word since they got into the car, and she was dying to know if he was still upset.

“Hey, I--”

The door creaked open as soon as she spoke and Emilia greeted them with a wide smile. The girl put a hand on her chest, dimples dug deep into her cheeks as she stared attentively at Harry’s face.

“You look even more handsome in person,” she said.

“Thank you.” Harry pressed his lips into an awkward smile. “Can we—”

“Oh, please, come in! Make yourself at home!” Emilia pulled the door open wide and stepped aside for her guests to enter. “Have a seat. I’ll go get my dad.”

Y/N and Harry followed Isaac to the middle of the room. As Harry stopped in front of a bookshelf, Y/N soon realised what he was staring at. A family picture, in which Winton looked the same as he did in the photograph Harry had found when he was a child. He was young, only a bit older than Harry now, and Emilia was just a baby sitting on her mother’s lap. All three of them were smiling.

Y/N crossed her arms, her eyes squinted. She supposed all blondes looked the same as she found Winton’s wife very familiar but wasn’t sure whom she reminded her of. It took her a moment to figure it out. And her mouth fell open.

Ruby fucking Ellis.

“What?” Harry lifted an eyebrow when she shot him a glare.

Isaac understood right away so he laughed and said, “Emilia looks more like Winton.”

“Thank God for that,” Y/N said, still glaring at Harry.

“I’m not following, is that an inside joke?”

Y/N and Isaac exchanged looks with each other and almost burst out laughing when the sound of the door made them all turn their heads. Though no one reacted, they were equally shocked to see Emilia pushing a man in a wheelchair to the living room.

That’s him. That’s Winton! Y/N thought, but...what happened to his legs?

“Why are you all standing? Come here! Make yourself at home,” Winton said, pointing to the sofa, and Harry, Y/N, and Isaac reluctantly came to sit down at once.

“I’ll make you guys some tea!”

“I’ll help!” Isaac got up quickly and followed Emilia into the kitchen. He was only eager to get out of there and Y/N would have gone with him if it hadn’t been for Harry. She stayed with him even though she hated the awkward silence which took over as soon as Emilia and Isaac left. She wanted to speak up, but at the same time, couldn’t stop gawking at Winton.

Winton Styles was exactly how she imagined Harry would look like in thirty years, only happier than Harry would’ve been if he’d been jobless and living in a place like this. Harry was probably thinking of the same thing. And from his hardened expression, she could tell he was as disappointed as he was surprised.

He wanted to see a loser, an unemployed alcoholic who had to live on his daughter’s money. Not a disabled man who was content with having nothing more than a daughter who loved him. It was selfish and almost cruel to wish that for anyone, but Y/N understood and therefore couldn’t blame him.

“Nice to meet you, sir,” she spoke so Harry didn’t have to, smiling as she shook Winton’s hand. “My name’s Y/N. I’m Harry’s girlfriend.”

“Nice to meet you, Y/N. What a beautiful name,” Winton said. “Harry is so lucky to be dating such a lovely girl.”

“What happened to your legs?”

Harry’s question froze Y/N to the spot. She stayed quiet and studied Winton’s expression, thinking he would be offended but he only gave a shrug as if he’d been expecting that inquiry.

“I had an accident two years ago,” was all he said before changing the subject, “but let’s not talk about me. How are you?”

“I’m good.”

“Harry’s an actor!” Y/N brightened but Harry’s lips stayed a firm line.

Winton put on a grin, slowly nodding his head. “I know. I’ve watched all of his movies.”

“He’s great, isn’t he?” Y/N said as she gave her boyfriend a nudge and yet, he didn’t crack a single smile.

“You know,” Winton went on, “Emi might be your biggest fan. She used to collect all your movie posters and learn by heart all of your famous lines.”

“Stop embarrassing me, dad!”

Y/N heaved a sigh of relief when Emilia and Isaac returned with biscuits and tea. Their presence made such a big difference as both Harry and Winton appeared a lot less apprehensive.

“She used to be a film student,” Isaac said before taking a seat next to Harry.

“Used to?”

“Yeah.” Emilia gave Y/N a smile as she plopped down on the armchair right by her father. “I’d only spent a year in college before the accident, and dad used to be a construction worker. Now that he can’t go back to work, I’m taking care of both of us.”

“That must be tough,” Y/N frowned.

“It’s all right,” Emilia giggled as she reached out to hold her father’s hand. “I’m actually thinking about taking acting classes. My biggest dream is to become a famous actress like Ruby Ellis.”

The name made Harry choke on his tea. Emilia gasped as he started coughing into his arm. “Are you okay?! Is something wrong with the tea?”

“No, the tea is exceptionally good,” Y/N answered on her boyfriend’s behalf as she took a sip from her cup.

Isaac hurriedly grabbed a biscuit and changed the subject, “these are also really good, Emi! Did you make them yourself?”

“Yes! I think I’ll open my own shop and sell these if I can’t make it as an actress.”

As Emilia went on and on about how she’d made those delicious biscuits, Y/N noticed Harry’s hand reaching inside his pocket. He was about to pull out the note when she grabbed his bicep and spoke quickly, “how old are you, Emi?”

“Twenty-one.” Emilia beamed, still unaware of the tension in the room.

“Really? We’re the same age then!” Y/N said, making her face lit up.

“Oh my god, you know what? I’ve always wanted a sister!”

“May I ask, what was the accident?”

Harry’s second question silenced the room once again. Y/N facepalmed herself as Isaac stared at his feet. They waited for Winton and Emilia to get angry and kick them out, but even though Emilia’s smile had disappeared, she still managed to keep her composure.

“Well, my mum, she...um...she was mentally unstable.”

Harry pressed his lips together as Isaac slowly looked up and Y/N’s eyes went round. It wasn’t the answer they had expected.

“She set our house on fire one night. Dad and I managed to escape but she didn’t. He went back in to save her but he couldn’t and lost both of his legs.”

Y/N suddenly felt suffocated, as if an invisible force was putting pressure against her lungs. She nibbled on her bottom lip, her eyes fell to the floor. She still remembered vividly the night her mother passed away, but if she’d been there and witnessed the car crash, it would’ve been the kind of trauma she would never have recovered from.

In a moment of weakness, she let go of Harry’s arm to grab Emilia’s hand, which allowed Harry to pull out the letter and put it in front of Winton.

“I’m sorry for you lost. I really do--”

“Harry--”

“--but I’m actually here today because Gemma couldn’t make it,” he said, ignoring his girlfriend tugging at his sleeve. “She wanted me to say a few things on her behalf, but I think it’d be better for all of us if you’d read her letter. Thank you for having us. I think we should go now.”

Before Y/N or Isaac could stop him, Harry had already got up and put on his jacket. Winton and Emilia were both speechless when the other two followed Harry to the door.

Isaac didn’t forget to thank them for the tea and biscuits as Y/N rushed down the hallway and chased her boyfriend down the stairs. When she finally caught him, she took his car key and handed it to Isaac.

“Get the car, Isaac. I need to talk to Harry.”

Isaac nodded and scurried off, leaving the couple alone on the staircase. Harry looked away when Y/N turned back to him.

“Would you mind telling me what just happened?” she asked.

He leaned a shoulder against the wall, his forehead creased. “That was exactly what we came here to do, wasn’t it?”

“But that was before we knew the kind of man he’d become,” she said, stepping closer. “It seemed to me that he had changed. You couldn’t treat him like the person he used to be twenty years ago.”

Harry tossed his head back, taking a deep breath.

“What?” She lifted an eyebrow.

“Nevermind.”

“No, tell me.”

“Fine,” he breathed. “If Emilia is the same age as you, then Winton must have cheated on my mum to have her. He left when I was four. She was the reason he left us. I know we shouldn’t judge someone from their mistakes in the past, but it was all I could think of when I looked at him.”

“Shh, baby.” Y/N grabbed his face before he could turn his head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise--”

“No, it’s fine. Let’s not keep Isaac waiting.” Just like that, he ducked right past her and continued walking down the stairs.

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“Thanks for the ride.”

“Thanks for coming with us,” Harry chuckled as Isaac patted him on the shoulder and got out from the backseat.

“No problem. If you need anything else, just let me know.”

“Wait!” Y/N spoke before Isaac walked away. She told Harry to give her a minute and quickly got out of the car.

“What is it, Smiley?”

The nickname made her whole face brighten as she ran up to Isaac. She didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, but she’d missed it more than he might assume.

“You’re not mad at me?” she asked.

He chuckled, shaking his head. “Well, I was mad at you, but not anymore.”

“Good.” She put a hand on her chest and couldn’t stop beaming. “I’m still sorry though. I shouldn’t have told Harry about Emilia after I’d given you my word.”

“Don’t worry about it. You’re forgiven.”

“Truce?”

“Truce,” Isaac said, shaking her hand.

They shared one last hug before Y/N returned to the car. She waved goodbye to Isaac through the window, as Harry started the engine and drove away.

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It was late when they arrived at her block. He stopped his car in front of the building and kissed her goodnight as she unbuckled her seatbelt. But right before she left, she had to ask, “you’re not mad at me, are you?”

“No.” He pressed his lips into a soft smile. “Sorry I overreacted.”

“You didn’t though. I’m sorry I didn’t know,” she said and moved a strand of hair out of his forehead. “What are you thinking of right now?”

“Just…” Harry gave a shrug, his lashes fluttered. “I was fine for twenty years without knowing my dad, but now that I’ve met him, I--I’m not fine. And I can’t explain it, not even to myself.”

She stared thoughtfully into his eyes for a second. “Well, this might sound irrelevant but…” she began, tucking her hair behind her ears and laughing lightly, “after you left home for the first time and before we met again in London, I used to block you on socials, ignore all the news about you and refuse to watch any of your movies.”

“You’ve told me this before. It was because I broke my promise and didn’t come back, right?”

“Not really.” She shook her head. “I did it because...I didn’t want to know how great your life had been. I guess it’s just easier to think someone’s life doesn’t go on without you, and that they’re unhappy because they miss you all the time. When in reality, you know their lives don’t revolve around you, and that they’ll be happy with other people and don’t think about you at all. But it’s so simple to just pretend...you know?”

Harry held her gaze as he pursed his lips and cupped her cheek. His hand was cold, but she didn’t mind. She tilted her head, leaning against his palm to feel more of his touch.

“Winton was right about one thing today,” he whispered, making her eyes go round.

“What is it?”

His mouth twitched as he leaned in and kissed her softly. “I’m so lucky to have you.”

Y/N’s nose crinkled when she snorted and wrapped both arms around his neck, kissing him harder.

“Hey,” he pulled away to kiss her forehead, “can I stay tonight? I miss falling asleep with you.”

“You can but I’ll be busy.” Her answer was rather disappointing, but she was always straightforward with him and he appreciated that. “I have an assignment to finish and I need to write. We won’t be able to do anything, but we can cuddle--”

“It’s fine. I’d only distract you.”

“No, you wouldn’t.”

“I would.” He scoffed and hugged her waist to kiss along her jawline. “I’d want you so much and have to seduce you into putting your work aside to play with me.”

“You’re despicable.” She pulled his face up to peck him on the lips. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Will you make it up to me?”

“It depends on how you behave.”

“I’m always good.” He smirked and held her wrists against their chests so she couldn’t open the door. “Say I’m a good boy and I’ll let you go.”

“You’re a good boy. You’re the best.” She laughed, kissing him once more before he officially let her go.

“Goodnight, Bambi.”

“Goodnight, Harry.”

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“Good job, Harry! Take five, everyone!”

As soon as Harry returned to his makeup vanity, a makeup artist and a stylist rushed in to touch up his look for the second shoot after the break. His assistant brought water to him, but right as he wrapped his mouth around the lip of the bottle, he lowered it instantly and put the cap back on.

He turned his head fast, thinking the reflection in the mirror wasn’t real, until he actually saw Emilia standing by the entrance and waving enthusiastically.

“Excuse me.” He got out of his seat and made his way towards her. “What are you doing here, Emi?”

“I brought dad here to see you and your manager let us in!”

The girl said something else about this being her first time at a fashion photoshoot but Harry didn’t pay attention to a single word. He was busy turning left and right looking for a man in the wheelchair.

“Where’s Winton?”

“He’s waiting in the hallway.” Emilia pointed to the door and Harry hurriedly snapped his fingers to get his assistant’s attention. The girl put down her phone and ran up to him.

“Jo, this is Emilia. Can you please keep an eye on her?”

“Yes, Mr. Styles!” Jo said.

Harry didn’t say another word to Emilia and just stormed out of the studio.

He found both Jeff and Winton in the hallway. They were laughing like old friends, which made him wonder if Jeff knew who the man was.

“Hey, H! I finally met your dad!”

Fuck. He knew.

“Could you give us a moment, Jeff?”

“S-Sure,” Jeff stuttered as Harry forced a smile. His manager was taken aback by his attitude, but Harry wasn’t in the mood to explain.

He waited until Jeff was gone and finally turned to Winton. “What are you doing here?”

“I read it,” Winton said as he pulled out the letter from his pocket. He gave it to Harry who pushed it right back into his hand.

“Keep it,” he said with an attitude, but Winton didn’t react.

“These are some really harsh words. I’m not surprised they’re from Gemma as she’s always been a tough girl. But I do understand why she felt that way about me.” The older man laughed sadly as he put the letter back into his pocket.

It was then that Harry noticed the shoebox sitting on Winton’s lap, but he didn’t care enough to wonder what was inside.

“I have to get back to work.”

“I know you hate me!” Winton blurted, causing Harry to stop dead in his tracks. “I know why both of you hate me. And if I could go back in time to change everything, I would. But I can’t. So I just want to apologise.”

Harry stood still with his head hung and both hands on his hips. He took a moment to breathe and chuckled lightly.

“We don’t hate you, Winton. You must care about someone to hate them, and I don’t give a damn about you.” He looked up and pointed a finger to the door behind him. “I’ll get your daughter and the two of you will leave me and my family alone. Got it?”

“I tried to see you but your mother didn’t let me. She--”

“Stop fucking lying!” Harry raised his voice, knowing the people in the studio could hear him, but he didn’t really give a fuck. This man and his daughter had crossed so many lines and he couldn’t take it anymore. He had never wanted this to happen. He had never wished for drama. He’d been through some shit in the last couple years so why couldn’t he have one second of peace?

“I’m sorry about what happened to you and your wife,” he continued, this time, lowering his voice, “but you’re never gonna get our sympathy. You got some nerves to show up here and now you’re blaming my mother?”

“I’m not blaming your mother. I know she had her reasons--”

“Fuck off.”

“If you don’t believe me, I can prove it!” Winton pushed his wheelchair faster to catch up with Harry, who stopped right before he reached the door. “When you were thirteen you made it to your school’s football team and won the local championship.”

Harry shoved his fingers into his hair, messing up his stylist’s two-hour hard work as he scoffed. “Did Gemma mention it in her letter?”

“No, I was there.” Winton sucked in a breath. “Your mother didn’t let me talk to you so I only came to watch the game and left afterwards. Y/N was there too, right? I saw her in the front row. She was wearing a shirt that said ‘Y/N heart Harry’. And she was the loudest.”

Harry’s jaw tightened as he chewed the inside of his cheek. As much as he wanted to believe Winton was lying so he could end this conversation and continue hating the man, he knew Winton couldn’t have made it up.

“She made that shirt herself,” he spoke, his voice was thick but less alarmed.

Winton’s face lit up with a smile as he put both hands on the shoebox. “That girl,” he said. “She really loves you.”

“We actually met in the treehouse,” Harry murmured. He wasn’t sure why he’d said that, but he just thought he should let him know.

“Oh, really?” Winton chuckled. “Your old man did something right after all.”

“Doesn’t matter. It fell last year in a storm,” was all Harry said, and nothing else.

The men stood silently in that long hallway. Harry’s five-minute break had probably ended already, but no one came to get him, so he assumed Jeff had asked for more time for him to talk to his father. He didn’t want to talk though. The best he could do now was to just listen.

“I’ve missed so much in your life,” Winton finally broke the silence as he stared at the shoebox. “I was far from perfect, I know. I’ve made many mistakes but I’ve paid for them by losing my wife and my legs...and--and the better life I could’ve had if I hadn’t screwed things up with your mum...I just--I’m trying to be a better man, I swear. But you’re not a little boy anymore. You’re successful and you don’t need me, and therefore I don’t expect you to take me back. But I hope you will forgive me. Gemma and your mother might not, but I hope you will. You don’t remember the terrible man I was so I guess...it’d be easier for you to see me as the man I am.”

When Winton finished, he patiently waited for a response. Harry refused to look him in the eye so he cleared his throat and said, “one more thing before I go.”

He then opened the shoebox he’d been carrying on his lap. Harry finally took a look, his forehead puckered as he saw what was inside.

“I bought you these football shoes when you made it to your school’s team,” said Winton as Harry picked up the shoes and ran his fingertips across the scorch marks. “Anne didn’t let me give them to you so I kept them. I lost almost everything in that fire but I’m glad I could save these. You obviously don’t need them anymore, but it makes me feel better to finally be able to give them to you.”

As Harry remained silent, Winton released a sigh. “I’ll go get Emi and we’ll leave.”

“Hang on,” Harry said as he put the shoes back in the box. “I’ll be done by twelve. Would you and Emilia want to have lunch with me?”

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“He walked in and saw...and saw her...Wait, no. He entered the room and found her sitting on the floor. Okay, that’s better. Sitting...on...the...floor--”

“Y/N!”

“Fuck! Alice!”

The librarian shushed the girls as Alice pulled up a chair and sat down next to Y/N.

“I’m so fucking glad we’re not working for her anymore,” Alice said, faking a smile at the middle-aged lady who was still glowering at them.

“You can’t just sneak up on people like that, Al!”

“Sorry, I’ve been looking for you all morning. I should’ve known you were here.”

Y/N shut her laptop right before Alice could read any sentence on the screen.

“Oh, come on!”

“You have to wait until it’s published, Al.”

“It’ll take forever!” Alice blurted and quickly covered her mouth when she received an unblinking glare from Y/N. “I mean...they have to edit and design the covers and print the books and plan a marketing campaign and all sorts of shit, right? That’s why it’ll take forever, not because I don’t believe in you.”

“Nice save,” Y/N snorted. “But my book kind of sucked so I’m rewriting the whole thing.”

“Gee, sounds like a lot of work.”

Y/N said nothing more about it as she gave a shrug. “Anyway, you were looking for me?”

“Yes!” Alice raised a finger, smiling from ear to ear. “Remember that girl Mandy? The one who took us to that nice club and you disappeared without a trace while everyone was having a great time?”

“Yes, I remember.” Y/N laughed, resting her chin on her knuckles.

“Yeah, well, she’s throwing a pool party this weekend and we’re both invited,” Alice said as she pulled out her phone and showed Y/N the text she’d just got. “She also sent you one but you didn’t respond so she texted me. Did you know that she’s like super rich? We’re officially the Kardashians on campus now. You’re Khloe and I’m Kim.”

“Why do you always get to be Kim?” Y/N laughed as Alice flipped her hair over her shoulder. “But I’m sorry, Kim, I’m busy this weekend.”

“Why? You’ve got plans with Harry?”

“No. I’ve got to finish the book before then.”

“You’re so obsessed with your book!” They both reached for the laptop but Alice got it first and moved it out of Y/N’s reach. “What would Harry say about this, hmm?”

“He’d say he’s so proud of me because he’s a supportive boyfriend.” Y/N smirked as she brushed Alice’s hand off her laptop to get it back. “But you should go to that party, don’t let me ruin it.”

“I definitely won’t. Have fun with your book, ya nerd.”

“Fuck you!” Y/N giggled and opened her laptop. “Now please give me some space to get creative, please?”

“There she is!” Alice said suddenly, pointing to the group of girls standing by the entrance. It was Mandy and two of her friends, and Y/N and Alice tried waving but those three didn’t look their way.

“I’m going over there.”

“For what?”

“To tell her I’m not going.”

“Good idea! Tell her I’m going though! Jesus!” Alice gasped when the librarian clutched her arm from behind and pulled her up.

“Strike two. You’re getting out of here, Alice!”

“Fine, I’m leaving! This is why we quit, Bethany!”

Y/N waved goodbye to Alice as the librarian dragged her outside. She prayed Alice wouldn’t get into any more trouble as she made her way toward Mandy. The girls were waiting in front of the librarian’s desk, all facing away so they didn’t see Y/N coming. She almost tapped Mandy on the shoulder to interrupt their conversation, but then she heard, “let’s hope she’ll bring Harry this time.”

The two other girls laughed as Y/N was frozen to the spot. Mandy had no idea, so she kept going, “she’s such a whore though. I bet she would suck any rich man’s cock and let them fuck her in the arse for some money. I can’t blame Harry and Isaac though. I mean, they’re men after all. They just want their dicks wet.”

Y/N cleared her throat and Mandy turned around, eyes wide with shock. Even though she was quick to cover it up with a smile, the colour soon drained out of her face.

“H-Hey, Y/N…”

“Hey.” Y/N faked a smile in return. “I just want to say I can’t make it to your party this weekend.”

“Oh, that’s all right. We’ll hang out next time then.”

“No, thanks.” She lifted her shoulders in a shrug. “I’d rather stay home sucking my boyfriend’s cock and letting him fuck me in the arse than hang out with you two-faced bitches.”

The girls dropped their jaws at the same time, but neither could say a single word for Y/N didn’t even give them a chance. “Do you really think you can bully me? I’d love to see you try. I eat rich spoiled brats for dinner. You might want to spread that rumour too.”

Y/N turned her heels and strutted back to her seat while Mandy and her friends were red-faced and tongue-tied. She didn’t give two shits about those girls. They couldn’t do anything to her. But her inspiration had evaporated and she couldn’t focus on writing anymore.

She blew out her cheeks and sent Harry a text.

Having a bad day! Need to talk to you :(

She waited for five minutes before sending another.

Call me when you’re free.

That should do, she thought, he’s probably busy.

But no matter how busy Harry was, he always found time to text her back or at least let her know he was busy. Something wasn’t right.

That afternoon, when Y/N came back to her block, she walked up the stairs with her eyes glued to her phone, still waiting for his reply. She’d tried calling once but he didn’t answer, and she didn’t want to call him again because she might be overthinking.

“Hey, T!” Blake’s voice pulled her out of her thoughts. She looked up and found him standing right outside his flat. He’d probably just got home. “Any update?”

“I’ve finished another chapter today,” she said, pulling out her keys. “Could’ve done two but I got distracted.”

Despite her weary frown, Blake didn’t stop smiling. “Can I read it later?”

“I’ll let you read the whole book when I’m done.” Her mouth twisted as she unlocked her door.

“Oh, okay,” Blake muttered and also opened his, but Y/N stopped him before he went inside.

“You’re making dinner?” Y/N asked, pointing to the grocery bag he was carrying.

“Yup. Do you cook?”

“Never.”

Her answer made him laugh. “So you eat out every night?”

“Not tonight though.” She pursed her lips. “I’ll just make instant ramen or order some pizza. I usually have dinner with Harry but he’s probably busy. I haven’t heard from him today. Don’t know where the hell he is.”

Blake only nodded.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“See you tomorrow,” he said. And both entered their flats at the same time.

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It was 9 PM and Y/N still hadn’t eaten. Every time she sat down in front of her laptop and started typing, she would let reality fade away and the concept of time no longer existed in her world.

She didn’t remember how long she’d been working. Only when the doorbell rang, did she snap out of it and stand up to stretch her limbs.

“Harry? Is that you?” she asked from her bedroom door, but it couldn’t have been Harry. Harry would’ve said something to let her know it was him.

Before she could assume something as bad as the rat delivery incident, someone slid a note under her door.

“What now, Blake?” She snorted and came to pick it up. In Blake’s sloppy handwriting which hadn’t changed since high school, it said: come over if you’re hungry - B.

“Hey, B!” Y/N shouted as soon as she stepped into the hallway. The second her neighbour opened the door and poked his head outside, she showed him the note. “Explain this.”

“Well, I thought you might skip dinner again,” Blake said with a bashful smile. “You always forget everything else when you write.”

“Oh,” she mumbled, staring at her feet, “well, thanks but...I’ve eaten already.”

“All right. That’s good.” His lips curved into a smile, but she knew what his happy smile was and that wasn’t even close.

She hurriedly said goodnight and ran before he could say it back. She was starving, but she still had instant ramen in the kitchen so she’d probably survive. Her having dinner alone with Blake would have changed a lot of things, even if it had been a platonic meal. She wasn’t sure if he still had feelings for her, but she couldn’t risk it. It wouldn’t be fair to either him or Harry.

Speaking of Harry, where the hell is he?!

.

.

.

“Where were you yesterday?” Y/N asked as Harry stepped into her flat and kissed her on the cheek. He seemed more cheerful than usual, which was actually concerning.

She watched him plop down on the sofa, and was about to repeat the question when he said, “I was with Winton and my phone was dead.”

His answer froze her to the spot. She crossed her arms, arching an eyebrow. “Winton? Your dad?”

She just thought there being another Winton would have made more sense than him spending time with his actual father. But Harry didn’t look like he was joking as he gave a shrug.

“What were you doing with him?”

“We went out for lunch at first. Emilia was with us but she had to go back to the coffee shop for her shift,” he said as she walked over to sit on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Then he took me to this bar owned by a friend. We talked until it was very late. I had to call my bodyguard to pick me up as I got so fucking drunk and passed out as soon as I got home. I hate to admit it, but I actually had a good time.”

“That’s...great,” she said, smiling nervously as she placed a hand on his chest. “But baby, are you sure you’re fine?”

“Yeah, he’s actually not so bad. Can you believe he’d been to twelve countries when he was eighteen? And he used to play football for his university.”

Although Y/N wasn’t sure if Harry was making judgements with his head or his heart, she didn’t make any more comments. She just wanted him to be happy, and right now, he was.

“When are you gonna tell Gem and your mum?”

Harry leaned back against the couch and rubbed his forehead. “I don’t know, but I feel like they’re gonna be so angry.”

“Don’t worry,” she told him, holding his face. “We’ll figure out how to talk to them.”

Harry nodded once and cupped her chin to attach their lips as he whispered into her mouth, “I read your text by the way. What happened?”

“Nothing. I just missed you.”

“Yeah?” He smirked when she started toying with the buttons of his shirt. “Did someone bully my girl?”

“No one can bully your girl,” she said and licked his jaw, making him chuckle as he grabbed her shoulders and gently pushed her away.

“What’s gotten into you?”

“I already told you, love. I missed you,” she murmured and leaned back in, giving him a full open-mouthed kiss. He hadn’t even touched her skin and she’d already got her hand in his pants, squeezing and stroking his bulge.

“Can I have a taste?”

Her voice made him shiver. He nodded so fast his head could just fall off and he might not even care. She patted his bum, and he hurriedly lifted his hips for her to pull down his jeans. But before she could free his erection, the doorbell pulled them apart.

“Hey, Y/N! It’s Blake.”

“Fuck you, Blake—”

Y/N covered Harry’s mouth and shouted at the door, “give me a second!”

“What about me?” he asked when she got up and straightened her skirt.

“We’ll finish later,” she said, leaving him almost butt-naked on the couch.

Harry pulled up his pants and threw his head back, staring at the ceiling. He was cursing Blake for cockblocking him when the notification of a new message got his attention.

Gem: How was it?

His mouth set in a hard line as he read the text. Blake might not be his biggest problem after all.

.

What do you think? Do you trust Winton and Emilia? 🤔

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

Hey there! So I’m pretty sure I’m bipolar, and the councillor at school thought so too, but told me it sounded like I have it under control. I don’t really. My emotions are always all over the place and it’s been worse. However, I’m supposed to be starting T soon, which messes with emotions. Do you think I should wait to start T to get diagnosed with bipolar disorder and try and get it under control, or would it be okay to start anyway? Sorry!! 💛 —🎭

Lee says:

I’d recommend looking at the Getting a therapist and being in therapy post! Finding your own therapist who you can see outside of the school counselor can be really helpful. That gives you more one-on-one time with them.

You should also see if you can find a psychiatrist to start medication- there are medications for people with bipolar disorder that can help reduce your mood swings and help you become more stable, which makes it easier to make progress in therapy.

My uncle has bipolar disorder, and he was hospitalized for it at one point but now he’s taking his medication and he’s a doctor managing his own clinics. I have different mental health issue, but I’ve found library books helpful! Look to see if they have things like The Bipolar Workbook for Teens or similar things in the bipolar section of the Dewey decimal.

Both therapy and medication are important components in managing mental illness, so it’s usually best to try to incorporate both into your recovery because both in combination works better than doing of one of them alone.

It’s possible to start T while struggling with mental illness. It can be harder to get a prescription in the first place when you’re mentally ill, especially if you’re severely mentally ill or if you have stigmatized disorders like a schizo-spectrum diagnosis, but it isn’t impossible to do.

The WPATH guidelines say:

“Any co-existing psychological, medical, or social problems that could interfere with treatment (e.g., that may compromise treatment adherence) have been addressed, such that the adolescent’s situation and functioning are stable enough to start treatment"

“The presence of co-existing mental health concerns does not necessarily preclude possible changes in gender role or access to feminizing/masculinizing hormones or surgery; rather, these concerns need to be optimally managed prior to or concurrent with treatment of gender dysphoria. In addition, clients should be assessed for their ability to provide educated and informed consent for medical treatments.”

Some people find that taking testosterone can negatively influence their mental health, but the majority of trans people who take hormones finds it helps reduce their body dysphoria, which can help reduce their depression because it’s one less thing to deal with. Taking testosterone can’t ‘cure’ your mental illness, but feeling comfortable in your body can help get you to a place where you’re able to start focusing on addressing other issues.

Some people experience mood swings on testosterone, as it is your second puberty, so if you feel like you had mood swings caused by your first puberty, this might be similar. But it can be hard to figure out whether you had mood swings in your first puberty because of the hormone changes or because of dysphoria and mental illnesses.

You’re more likely to have mood swings if you’re taking T by injections that are 2 weeks apart or more because you’ll have a high peak level of T at the start of the first week after you do your shot, then a low level right by the end of the second week before your next one, so the fluctuating T levels might be an issue there.

Taking T in gel form, which is a daily application, should reduce mood swings because you have a constant level of hormones in your body all the time. Starting on a low dose of gel and titrating up while monitoring your mood with a symptom tracking app or journal could help you determine if you’re experiencing mood changes. And, when menstruation stops, you’ll get rid of any mood swings you might experience as a result of PMS.

From this link: “While hormones may contribute to mood disorders (such as in premenstrual dysphoric disorder or postpartum depression), these is no clear evidence that testosterone therapy is directly associated with the onset of or worsening of mental health conditions. In fact it has been found that transgender men experience improvements in social functioning and reduced anxiety and depression once testosterone therapy is begun. Mental health conditions in transgender men should be approached with a broad differential diagnosis as in any other patient, taking caution to avoid relating all symptoms directly to gender dysphoria or testosterone therapy. Consider using a non-injected medication form to avoid the potentially cyclic levels, which could bring about or worsen existing mood symptoms.”

Here are a few of the links from our mental health page to help during the wait while you’re in the process of finding treatment:

Coping with mania

Dealing with this manic episode

Dealing with anger and impulsivity

Coping with bipolar disorder

A guide to (bipolar) recovery

Managing unstable moods

How to avoid a manic episode

Things that might cause or trigger manic episodes

5 tips for taming impulsivity

Managing impulsive behaviors

Getting help

Apps

Breathing

Depression

Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT)

Distress tolerance

Emotion

Grounding

Interpersonal relationships

Medication

Relaxation and mindfulness

Self-care

Self-talk and thinking

Stress

Therapists and therapy

Additional resources/info

[ingek73]

The Curious Case of William’s Care for Harry

By Irene May 15, 2020 24 Comments

The Curious Case of William's Care for Harry

The Curious Case of William’s Care for Harry. There is not a day that passes without the British and Royal press blasting some headline about Prince Harry or Duchess Meghan, which news supposedly came to them via a well-placed source or a “friend”. Never mind that Harry and Meghan categorically stated that no one in the palace, or any royal source, well-place or whatever speaks for them. You see, since Harry and Meghan formally stepped back from their roles, there has been this insidious strategy to strip Harry of his agency and autonomy as a fully formed and accomplished human. Why would this be necessary? I think it’s a two-pronged aim.

First, it is obvious that despite the abundance of documentary evidence about Harry’s own feelings about remaining within the institution of the monarchy- ones that pre-date his meeting his wife- and since then, just the wretched way in which the media, some in the country and his royal family have treated him and his wife, the media and its puppet masters are trying. Trying to get us to take our thinking caps off and believe that Meghan alone informed their decision to step back. In the face of all logic and reasoned consideration, the powers that be are desperate to persuade us that Meghan is the big bad wolf. It would appear she’s the thing they fear or are threatened by the most, judging by how hard they try. Her power!

Harry dreamed of leaving Royal Family

Harry always wanted to leave Royal Family

Secondly, If indeed Harry didn’t know better and has been supposedly led astray by Meghan, then that leave a helpless Harry in your mind right? Does that sound familiar? “Harry is lonely in Canada”, now “ Harry is lonely in LA”, “ Harry feels out of sorts in LA”, “ Harry misses the UK”, “Harry misses his friends back home” and all that jazz. Poor Harry, you’re being led to think. What would they ever do about poor Harry? I have an idea.

Apparently there is a person who by birth is the second in line to the British throne. For whatever reason, he has been incapable of taking that birthright and his own God-given talents to create a profile for himself, outside of some tangent to his younger brother who is sixth in line to the throne. It’s been the unending refrain since their childhood. Look how responsible William is compared to Harry, or he’s smarter, he’s more traditional, he’s more dutiful, he has more hair… oh wait that wasn’t one of them, but you get the point.

Operation reclaim the spotlight is being resuscitated after an attenuated response to all previous iterations. It seems the role of future king and the business of preparing for kingship( if I hear this one more time…) is not enough to capture the spotlight, so the hunt for the shiniest new medal is on. I give you the embryonic stages of “benevolent future king”. The one who reached out and extended a hand to poor lonely Harry. Take note of the very recent headlines: “William is in touch with Harry” and the latest “Prince William writes letter to Princess Diana Charity from ‘my brother and I’” or “ Prince William Shouts out Prince Harry in Letter to Princess Diana Organization”. What the h-e-double hockey stick? I’m sure Prince Harry was dying for a shout-out like the air he breathes.

This is where I get off my detour back onto the main road. William cares about only William. And that’s what this not so cleverly disguised propaganda is about. Don’t forget that, it is this same William “who dropped Harry like a ton of hot bricks”, and who was reportedly “tired of holding his brother’s hand” during the feverish coverage of Harry and Meghan’s announcing they were to step back.

The timing is also curious because, Prince Harry has been receiving A LOT of great global coverage about his work with Well Child, the Netflix-Thomas The Tank project, Invictus, and recently his support of vets through the Guinea Pig club and CASEVAC club. And may I add, it’s coverage that has not been filtered through the refractive lens of the royal press. So like clockwork, here comes tag-along K to do what he does best, trying to get up the coconut tree. Don’t be deceived, all these weird stories about Harry missing his family, the UK, and XYZ have been laying the ground work for William to not only be inserted into this positive news cycle, but also for him to emerge as a magnanimous figure.

Nice try. This latest round of PR is dead on arrival, because no one is buying what they’re selling. We haven’t forgotten that it is this same brother, who sent his media attack dogs after Harry’s wife in particular, as a way of diminishing their popularity. If you don’t believe me, take it up with Tim Shipman. And while the media went after Meghan and stoked the most negative sentiment against her, this same brother, the principal at Kensington Palace, who is reported to be an anti-bullying advocate and even presided over a failed anti-cyberbullying initiative yet did not avail his digital media resources to sanitize their Instagram feed of the most vile, vitriolic, threatening and at times outright racist commentary about his pregnant sister-in-law. It’s because this team was working overtime deleting comments and blocking posters whose comments were deemed as infringing on his “human rights”. Okay!

It wasn’t even a year ago that, when Harry and Meghan were called every name in the book for traveling on a private jet( something all royals do and are defended for it), his brother tagged along that media cycle to pour salt onto Harry’s wounds. The night before their trip, last minute flight arrangements were made with the now bankrupt budget airline, FLYBE on behalf of William and family to travel to Scotland. He was cast as the responsible and eco-conscious future king for supposedly flying budget. Naturally, the royal rota were swift to his defense, when questions about the convenience of said budget flight were raised.

Naturally, like everything hatched in the dark, that publicity stunt unraveled when a report from the Scotsman uncovered, the last minute arrangements and the lengths the airline went, to position an aircraft for the auspicious royal flying act.

Fast forward to the next media storm around Harry and Meghan- The Southern African Tour documentary. As is customary with the British press’ dealings with Harry and Meghan, they always find the most negative slant and this time, the consensus was to portray Harry as “ mentally unstable” or “vulnerable”. Of course brother, the mental health advocate, did not miss the opportunity to enter the news cycle with his own label, Fragile. Why not ? Mental health advocacy and stigmatization go hand in hand right? The Curious Case of William’s Care for Harry!

William insults Harry and Meghan

William calls Harry fragile

My point is that, every time William has had occasion to be linked to Harry in a news item, it’s usually designed for his benefit. Whether it is a negative story or a positive one, Harry always gets the short end of the stick, so that William can smell like roses. This time is no different. Everything Williams’s actions have shown us does not track with this new narrative, except the part where there is a potential for good press. It is always selfish. They are brothers, and if they decide to smooth their differences, great. I however doubt that any genuine and well intentioned effort will be cataloged in the news. If for nothing, to protect that precious relationship you’re trying to rebuild.

So to the propaganda hacks, I say try another. Harry misses his UK friends? Are these the same ones the media hacks told us that Harry no longer hung out with because, you guessed it- Meghan had chased them away? And now he’s missed his family, the same ones who said they did not support him and his wife, and had moved to distance themselves?

The royal rift - The royal family not speaking to the Sussexes

William distances himself from the Sussexes

The same family which the media told us Harry and Meghan are no longer part of its inner circle? And this was all while they still lived in the UK. The very ones who couldn’t manage polite pleasantries at the last Commonwealth day service. Give me a freaking break! I think Harry is just fine in LA. And his brother could care less. He just wants you to think otherwise.

Nothing new under the sun. Just the tired old alliance whose enterprise is money-making on one hand and profile building on the other.

Silvester McMonkey McBean might think “you can’t teach a sneetch”.

I say, not so fast. “When people show you who they are, believe them”.

Dr. Seuss and Dr. Maya Angelou. Over and out.

-

(I could not post all pictures becaus of the photo limit but they are inthe article linked below)

[dilfdoctordoom]

Literally all the oc questions I’m 👀📝

Urs... you’re my favourite person ever. Let’s get into this.

scarlet - What would your OC do if they found a mysterious sack of money just left unattended?

Okay, before Coast City gets blown up... Autumn tries to return it to their owner. There’s probably a small moment where she considers keeping it for herself, but, like, she’s a hero. She’s gotta do the right thing here, she’s pretty sure there’s a rule about it somewhere.

After the Coast City debacle... she doesn’t hesitate to keep for herself. Does she need it? Not really. Does she care? Also not really. She’s at a very selfish point in her life & is kind of... apathetic to other people.

amber - What would your OC do if they found out their significant other(s) are cheating on them?

Oh... this would be a mess. It doesn’t matter if it’s before Coast City is destroyed because Autumn’s already full of trust issues & if someone cheated on her... she’s already mentally unstable, people, stop hurting her.

She’d go to Hal, no matter what. Would that end well for her significant other? Good God no. Hal does not need a satantic cricket taking him for a joyride to commit murder for his protege, okay, he was down for that like two weeks after meeting her.

There’s definitely a messy break-up, because Autumn is generally a dramatic person, but something like this? Yeah, she’s torched their place. It’s on fire and she does not care.

Absolutely follows it up by crashing with either Hal or Carol & if she does go to Carol, then Hal will arrive with her favourite take-out. May bring her to beat up bad guys.

honey - What would your OC do if they lost a treasured possession? Imagine that there is no way this item could be replaced or bought again, that it is 100% gone forever and they can’t get it back.

She goes insane and commits mass murder. Autumn would probably freak out. Like, she’s got a little arrowhead necklace from Roy & she doesn’t wear it anymore (she hasn’t since Coast City) but it means everything to her & if she lost it... she’d be a wreck. Roy doesn’t even talk to her anymore & it’s pretty much all she has left of their friendship, the only thing that remains & yeah, it’d mess with her if she lost it.

And, well. It’s firmly established that this girl cannot regulate her emotions in a healthy manner.

seafoam - What would your OC do if they ever got stranded somewhere or lost? They have only a few basic supplies with them and have no idea where they are and are completely alone with only themself to rely on.

As shown... a lot... if Autumn’s on her own for too long, she loses her mind and starts to blow stuff up. She’s stranded on some alien planet with no way off? Nobody’s coming to get her? She’s alone for an extended period of time? Her powers are going haywire. She’d probably try to calm herself down, but it wouldn’t really work.

Honeslty, pre-Coast City Autumn would actually handle it a lot better. She has literal endless faith in Hal, Guy, John, etc, & convinces herself within minutes that they’ll find her. All she’s gotta do is survive & since Ollie’s taken her on so many camping trips, she reckons she’s fine.

cerulean - What would your OC do if time suddenly froze only for them?

Like, okay, Autumn in the beginning? She engages in assorted shenanigans, really dumb pranks that’ll never be able to linked back to her. She absolutely frames Wally for a few. They’re all pretty harmless thiugh & it’d take her a while to freak out, even slightly, because she’s accustomed to weird stuff happening & is like... ‘oh is this what we’re doing today? cool i’m drawing a mustache on martian manhunter’s face’

Later, she’s using it for murder, I don’t care. Time freezes, she realizes what’s happened & is like, well, I guess I gotta kill Slade Wilson, don’t I?

lilac - What would your OC do if they found a baby abandoned on their doorstep in the middle of the night?

She freaks out! Like, I’m putting this when she’s an adult so... she doesn’t fully trust herself around kids? I mean, look at Rachel; she did almost kill her. And babies are so fragile, she’s almost definitely holding this one wrong, oh god, she’s gonna crack their skull.

She brings the baby to Guy, in the end, because a) she trusts him & b) he’s a social worker, he’s gonna know what to do with a baby.

(Guy, meanwhile, is genuinely amused that she seems terrified by a baby. Trigon? Fine, no problem, she can handle that. A small human? This is it, this is how the entire world ends).

peach - What would your OC do if someone confessed their love to them?

There’s been, like, three people to tell Autumn that they love her in a romantic sense... when Arisia told her,  Autumn was practically bouncing off the walls because her amazing, talented, beautiful girlfriend just told her that she loves her, oh my god, this is literally the best day of her life. To be honest, if anyone in her previous relationships had dropped the L bomb, she wouldn’t have been so okay with it, but her & Arisia have been friends for years.

Dick tells her that he loves her eventually &, uh, she doesn’t handle it that well. Like!!!! Autumn doesn’t think she deserves Dick in any way & she especially doesn’t think that she deserves his love, not after everything that’s happened. She’s also a lil dumb because every single ‘I could never hate you’ was a low key declaration of love.

When Kory tells her, it’s after Dick & Auutmn have suggested that idea of all of them beingin a relationship. I mean, let’s be honest, Autumn’s been in love with Kory for a while (seriously... Autumn, you don’t platonically think about your friends like that, there’s no such thing as platonic make out sessions, please grow a brain cell xoxo) & that goes both ways! And Autumn & Dick wouldn’t even be having that comversation with Kory if they weren’t very seriously committed to the idea of being with her, so... yeah, tht one goes down very well.

pearl - What would your OC do if a natural disaster hit their home? What would they do in the aftermath?

[insert wheezing here]

chocolate - What would your OC do if they were forced to sacrifice one of their most beloved people to save another of their beloved people? Only one can survive.

Okay, so!!! Matter of the fact is, Autumn, my sweet darling angel, would sacrifice literally anyone for Hal, even Dick. He is the single most important person in her life. Like, honestly, if Parallax had outright said that he needed Autumn to come with him... that’s it. She’s gone. He’s her family, in a way that nobody else really acomplishes, because he’s the only person that Autumn’s ever truly vinerable with.

So, yeah, if she whas to choose between Hal & anybody else, Hal wins. Hal & the universe? She picks Hal. He’s really not the biggest fam of this but, uh, he’s the same.

She would put Dick over a lot of people, too. He’s never gonna reach Hal’s level, but, yeah, she’d let a few people die for him. 

If it ever came down to her picking between him & Hal though... she’d hate herself, but she knows who she’d pick. She always does.

pitch - What would your OC do if they were being interrogated for valuable information? *bonus* What would they do if this interrogation turned down a darker road e.g torture?

It... depends on who’s doing the interrogation, to be honest. Because, like, it has happened to her a lot. Girl has been taken into government questioning over things like the GLs but she does not talk. Autumn is loyal to a fault & it’s very hard to get her to crack.

Unless you’re Sinestro, in which case... yeah, fun added bonus of easily being able to emotionally manipulate her.

When it comes to torture... hm. Before everything that happened with Casot City & Parallax, I’d say it’d eventually work on her. Like, faster in her younger years, slower when she’s older, but ultimately, yeah. She’s between the ages of 13 and her early twenties, so she’d definitely crack eventually.

After that whole shit show, though? Lmao, no. No form of torture is gonna get through her. Exception is, of course, Sinestro for the sheer emotional pain it’d cause, but beyond that? Not happening. Although, honestly, in the direct aftermath of everything... who the fuck is even gonna try hurting her. Who even has the balls.

[geekkatsblog]

GREY'S ANATOMY 16X15 REVIEW

Wow, is the first thing that comes to mind with that episode, it's the first one I enjoyed so much in years. It wasn't like the old Grey's good, but I certainly enjoyed it. Now with that being said, onto the reviews.

The craziest ones first.

_________________________________________

Deluca

Oh boy, where do I start?........ Deluca ran out in a blizzard to have collect a liver WITHOUT GLOVES and ended up with frostbite. He is currently clearly having some mental issues and I hope that they're able to treat that soon before he's fired. Sure, he saved a kid's life and before that he saved Suzanne's life but what happens when his luck runs out? His hands are going to be out of commission for a while and I hope that he gets some help by then because something is definitely up with him and the way he's acting with the people around him is becoming harsh, which means the problem is getting worse.

_________________________________________

Meredith/Dr Haynes

Lumping them into one section seeing that were together for most of the night. Haynes is definitely enjoying having conversations with Meredith. In a way if they were to get together this would be the best way to do it. Too many relationships in Grey's start with sex first talk later and it worked for Meredith with Derek but it didn't for pretty much everyone else in the show, not everything is like the Mc Dreamy situation.

Must admit I enjoy the interactions but, I'm still not at shipper level yet. The bonding over their past spouses and raising kids ......☺☺☺. He had me going at first when he said Christina never mentioned Meredith, but turns out she just calls her the twisted sister, fair enough, I wouldn't be surprised if Christina had planned to set him up with Mer since the first time they spoke. On another note his passion for his patients is very admirable, hes not Alex Karev level yet. But I like him.

Meredith is trying with Deluca more than she did for Maggie when she was in her slump🤔🤨. She really has no plot right now, the show at this point might as well be called anatomy. She's trying to help Deluca, but only gets abuse in return, I really am praying that he is sick if not........😡🤬.

Then theres her and Haynes budding friendship. But that's pretty much all for Meredith.

_________________________________________

Jo and Alex

WTF, Alex better be dead or I'm going to be disappointed, he never even went to his mother's house and has been ghosting everyone......... excuse me what? I'm not seeing any proper valid excuse for the nonsense that is this plot. Why are they doing this? All of his progress is regressing. Next week is his final episode and it better have a valid explanation.

Jo is understandably a reck, I kind of enjoyed her sass though. I'm honestly confused. (Did he go after Izzie cause that would really be insane.) I understand they wanted to make it as painless as possible for Jo, but how is this better? She's heartbroken, they would have been better off if he'd died instead. I'm curious to know where the hell he is though.

But at least we got to see her have some support even if Link is a wreck as well.

_________________________________________

Teddy/Owen/Koracick

This story line definitely was the biggest WTF moment I was not expecting that from Teddy and more importantly the stupid Owen, Teddy, Koracick triangle starts again, but this time with a side of Amelia like OMG please stop🙄. Props to Teddy for being able to add up dates or having intuition or whatever her reason was for knowing. Although she could have discussed first instead of having pent up feelings that have now been released in the form of a huge mistake.

Poor Koracick at the end of the day Teddy and Owen will probably patch up the relationship and he'll be left once again heartbroken. I wish he had, had the strength to reject her. He's always the scape goat when her and Owen are having issues.

Owen, actually was being a good spouse and got cheated on but I guess Karma comes back around. He, just saved a baby and mom and asked Teddy If she wanted to ski for this episode. But I'm sure he's going to have a major storyline soon along with the others in this mess.

This love triangle just got even more complicated, especially if Amelia and Owen starts to catch feelings again.

_________________________________________

Richard

I'm actually perturbed by him tonight. Is he retiring? Better not be if he wants to stop preforming surgery, fair enough but he needs to be the intern director or something I can't have him leaving too after Karev, he can't give up too.

He found inspiration from a new intern. I thought she was going to be the new Dr Bailey for him. But nope she's not even a doctor. Her story was touching, but was she really going to cut into a patient with only barely having been in med school. How did she think that was going to work out? And poor Richard he was finally starting to get that teaching spark in his eyes again, only to find out she wasn't even a registered doctor. At the end he talked to her about never giving up, gives her his sethescop and says he no longer need it, like I said before they better not get rid of Richard as well, and where is Catherine? For someone who fought hard enough to buy a whole hospital for him to have to be around her, she sure is absent.

_________________________________________

Miranda Bailey

She spent the whole time helping Joey study for his GED and then took him on a tour of the hospital to see job options and it was just adorable, their banter is hilarious and is it me or is he going to be a surgeon. He was so interested in them saving the baby and the mom.

And as expected she has decided to adopt Joey however it happened like I didn't want it to..... really fast. So fast that she didn't even bother to inform her husband and I know Joey and Tuck were playing video games and getting along but does he understand that he's about to have a new brother?

I knew a Ben and Bailey fight was coming and I guess now it has (they've been too happy and no couple in Grey's stays happy for long. Luckily it seems like an easy fix.)

_________________________________________

Link

Link is ultimately depressed and it's sad because that means that he really did truly love Amelia,he should have taken some personal days as well because being depressed at work is never a good idea. I really hope that they aren't trying to set him up to be with Jo, I like their brother sister support system.

_________________________________________

Nico and Levi

Now I love my boy Levi, but sometimes I feel like being a surgeon is not for him. He fainted in the OR twice, cried when he had to give the patient bad news and then lost a patient, I hope he gets it together soon before he kills someone.

_________________________________________

Now as for his love life Idk what the hell happened. Nico took a 360 turn. Maybe he's bipolar as well, because I am lost. He's being such a douche, sure Levi's almost child like innocence and need to over share can be annoying at times but he deserves an explanation, he ditched his family for you because he pretended to be a fully open gay. The least he could do is give an explanation. Can't believe the way they're relationship is turning. I think this may be the beginning of the end for them. I hope not, they were good together.

_________________________________________

Jackson

Barely raised his head up from carrying on the work of Mark Sloan to fight with his new girlfriend Vic. Which I'm sure is not over they apologized but, that 2nd fight is coming soon.

_________________________________________

Maggie

No plot really besides being salty about no longer being chief, saving 2 lives, then confirming to Teddy that she's not crazy for thinking that Amelia's baby is Owen's and apparently giving her the courage she needed to cheat on Owen with Tom.

_________________________________________

Ending notes/ questions

• WHERE THE HELL IS ALEX?

• What's going to happen with the hot mess that is Teddy/Owen/Koracick/Amelia/Link.

• Is Deluca really mentally unstable and becoming like his dad? And is he going to be Ok?

• Is Richard retiring? (He better not be if his hand is shaking then fine stop surgery and teach instead, but you do not get to leave too Richard)

• Will Ben and Bailey come to agreement with adopting Joey? And will they agree to just him or adopt the others as well? (It seems strange that after the whole thing about having to keep them together they would just split them up and leave it like that.)

• What's going to happen with Meredith and her love triangle/not love triangle.

• Will they finally give Maggie's character something to do besides supporting people. She had like one or two 5 minute plot for like the past few seasons.

• What is wrong with Nico, he suddenly changed for the worst in 2.5 seconds and Idk where they're taking his character.

• Is Jo going to fall into the slump again like she did when she met her mother? I hope not. It's her time to shine now.

_________________________________________

Excited for next week's episode it's looking like Drama and emotions the whole episode. My favorite types.

[borisbubbles]

40. DENMARK

Ben & Tan - “Yes”

I think this post is bleeding ‘Yes’ to death Lemme shoot an arrow through its chest I’m so in loathe I must surpress THIS MESS THIS MESS THIS MESS.

Song analysis

Another thing why Negaworld Estonia deserves hate: I was forced to rank them below Denmark!! but like Uku, this ranking is mostly personal.

What can I even say beyond the same gospel I’ve been preaching for years? Every year Denmark pulls the same I Can’t Believe It’s Not Sweden bullshit. Every year the only road they follow is the one of least resistance. They are terrified of anything with even an ounce of originality. It’s a broken record by now and I can’t say I’m impressed. Oh a bad Of Monsters And Men clone, forgive me for not getting my knickers into a twist.  Having said that, I don’t exactly feel a BURNING hatred for *De* and *Mon* like I usually feel for my least favourites - In fact, after the cancellation it’s hard to feel anything - but I think it may be in part because I’m always partial towards cheerful songs with deceptively dark messages? “I AM READY TO GIVE LIFE ONE MORE CHANCE” say “YES” to sex, the best anti-depressant in the world, yall.

YAY SEX YAY SEX YAY SEX

The problem is: I don’t buy it. I do not believe a *SINGLE* letter of this song. Depressing/Volatile lyrics (I’m astounded nobody has thought to parodying it yet by juxtaposing “Yes” to like, the hilariously graphic deaths in found in GoT and the Witcher - Get at it!!) + cheerful vibe WORKS if presented as satire or irony, but in a more earnest setting the artifice just leaks from every pore. Anyone who is *THIS* possessive and overdramatic towards their loved one is either mentally unstable or a liar or a mentally unstable liar. 

Secondly, the pair of Ben and Tan. Look, I am aware they are friends who met on some Idol show or whatever, but Tan is 23 and Ben is 17. I swear I’m not a puritan but is this... kosher? Even if we assume for a second their narrative relationship is platonic (which it sure as hell isn’t presented as), it’s still a stretch. Let me put it this way, if it were a 17 year old girl and a 23 year old man singing *those* lyrics I doubt most people would be as okay with it. 

Also, I’ve read that people believe that TAN was the weak link in the pair for God/Drug knows what reason (sexism) and I completely disagree. Tan is good and carries the song. Ben on the other hand completely undermines any credibility “Yes” could have by... well, I mean, have a look yourself: 

Ben’s already past the Lucie Jones Zone of facial errors, and solidly encroaching towards the fluid nightmare that was Demyface. I feel bad having to trashtalk another Danish young person so soon after the world’s oldest twenty year old Leonora, but when there’s a genuine risk of a contestant morphing into John Carpenter’s The Thing, I ain’t gonna take no chances.

NF Corner

Hey, guess what, DMGP was... acceptable this year! It was... well, not *good* because Of Monsters And Men weren’t the only good act to have a *SHITTY* clone but I did love the dystopian pathos of not having an audience, and DR having to resort to hilariously fake cheer and applause stock footage to create some sort of vibe <3

and also, there were two very good songs in the line-up, which is more than what EL had, here they are:

Maja & De Sarte Sjæle - “Den eneste goth i Vejle”

A running theme in this NF season was the abundance of lovable indie entries that would normally ONLY find a place in Eesti Laul, popping up in every NF *other* than Eesti Laul. This was the Danish one. Indie rock song about growing up to be the only goth in some rural, puritan Danish village, wearing a Meat-is-Murder, BETCH, is a good way to start. Shamelessly namedropping 70s rock bands they are pilfering riffs from <3 My main gripe was the staging. You’re talking about goths, so why are your clothes and backdrop inspired by some thriftstore flowerpower movement? Anyway, wow a duo with more chemistry than De & Mon, can you believe it? I do, because they lost DMGP. 😈 (by finishing 4th in the vote allegedly. BRING THEM BACK!!!)

Jasmin Rose & Roxorloops - “Human”

 Okay, I am aware that I JUST shaded Denmark about shamelessly cloning anything that sings, but “Human” is literally a techno-ethnodance remix of Lorena’s “Tower of Babylon” and it’s SO blatant I fell out of my chair laughing the first time I heard it. And then, I had yet to deal with the hilarity of ROXORLOOPS possibly becoming the most random returnee of all times (forget Witloof Bay, Roxorloops was ALSO in the 2006 Belgian NF, where his group not only finished LAST in their heat, but also received the lowest score from ALL jurors and the audience <33333). He is SO redundant he is barely even featured in the studio track <33333 And then we got to the live of “Human” staged as an OTT Rose/Robot dichotomy, with Roxorloops of course playing the part of the ROBOT being more of a dancer than a beatboxer holy fuck this was a hilarious ride. IS THIS DENMARK I FUCKING CANNOT BELIEVE IT. Oh wait, "Human” didn’t make the top 3 YUP sounds like Denmark alright. 😈 BRING THEM BACK AS WELL!!!

Denmark 2020 vs Denmark 2021

There is currently no information published about Denmark’s plans in 2021, but I assume they will just hold DMGP again, with an invite for Ben & Tan (which seems to be the MO for countries that traditionally hold NFs).  I am however happy that “Yes” was neutered though. 😇 I don’t think it could’ve won, but its fake-cheerfulness would’ve ensnared a good chunk of casual votes and I’d rather NOT see Denmark KEiiNO themselves into a top 10 they do not deserve! Crisis averted!

FREAKY! FRIDAY! FACTOR!

I mean, even with several legit good songs in their DMGP, it was always blatantly obvious Denmark would select “Yes”. After all, it was the only Swedish song in the running. 

Score: 0 Senhits out of 5

[bakugaykatsukii]

Probably (definitely) a controversial take here, but I really like the current Endeavour arc? And I think Horikoshi is doing a good job rn?

So Endeavour abused his kids, obviously, and his wife, also obvious, and that has always been presented very negatively. Todoroki was never like 'it sucked but tbh I am stronger now so whatever I guess he was right to abuse me' that DID NOT happen. Instead, Todoroki had always labelled him as a bastard, and only shown tolerance towards him when it benefits him (like becoming a better hero).

But also (and ik this is rambly I'm sorry) Endeavour's kids pretty perfectly represent different ways abuse can effect the parent child relationship:

So Fuyumi is just desperate for a happy family dynamic. It's clear her and Natsuo were ignored and neglected, so she craves a loving environment with two fully functioning parents and all her siblings. That's why she's willing to forgive Endeavour more easily than everyone else, because at this point he also wants to heal their family, and so their goals align.

Natsuo meanwhile despises Endeavour, and says he can never forgive him. This is because he thinks of their poor childhood as being intrinsically linked with their father (which it was), so he believes that their family can never really be happy with him still in the picture. Funnily enough, at the end of the most recent chapter, Endeavour comes to the same realisation and decides to alienate himself from his family, causing that brief moment of confusion rather than anger from Natsuo.

Shouto has a very complicated relationship with what happened, and that may be simply because we know more about him or because he was the 'favourite'. Like Natsuo, he blames Endeavour for all the pain them and their mother went through, so he's angry and refuses to forgive him until he sees adaquately that he's changed. This doesn't necessarily mean he will ever forgive his father though, because 'adaquately' could equate to Endeavour giving his own life to protect them. Basically, at this point Shouto still isn't sure what to think, and that's common! He's wary but still a little hopeful, because like Fuyumi he also wants a stable, caring family to come home to.

We've seen precious little of Rei so far, and idk what judgement to make there. She seemed to appreciate her husband's flowers that one time, but Endeavour's done really shitty things and I doubt seeing him again in any context would be good for her already fragile mental health.

So, yeah. No doubt that Endeavour is a shitty dad but him trying to make amends doesn't mean Hori want us to forgive him. Natsuo isn't forced to make up with him, and Endeavour himself says that he doesn't need forgiveness, he just wants to repent after all he's done, and there's nothing wrong with that! Do I want the Todoroki family to be perfectly happy? Not really, because that would be unrealistic. But I appreciate seeing their rocky relationships lose their toxicity.

(side note, if hero society weren't so unstable I honestly believe Endeavour would come clean about his past actions to the press. Just so justice would be served for all he's done)

(extra side note (not in Endeavour's favour this time) it's interesting that he only started to repentance journey AFTER he ~accidentally~ achieved the title of No1. Like, if he was still No2 his family would still be on the back burner. If that we're the case, obviously he's an even shittier dad because he can't focus on his family without getting literally everything he was abusing them over in the first place)

(I'm sorry. Side note again: it could be the case that he's only trying to be better now because he realises how unfufilling his dream of being No1 was, and now knows his family are more important. In THAT case, you could argue that Endeavour's abusive nature (whilst still 100% his choice and his fault) is in a way a product of the toxic quirk society they live in, where power is valued above all else. This unjust system caused his insatiable desire for No1, resulting in his desperation to beat All Might through any means. In a similar vein to Bakugou (though I HATE to compare the two istg) it was pressure to succeed in this society that caused his toxic behaviours, which he then took out of control entirely.)

[thebiasrekkers]

Make It Right [BTS Mafia!AU]

Plot: “It’s always darkest before the dawn…” It’s a dog-eat-dog world in Seoul, South Korea. One has to dwell in the shadows in order to reach for the light. What are you willing to sacrifice in order to feel the sunlight on your face? What will it take to drag you back into darkness? How long will the journey be to make it right?

Rating: NC-17 // NSFW

Genre: Series | Mafia!AU | Crime!AU | Angst | Romance/Fluff

Pairings: Jin x OC | Taehyung/Hoseok x OC | Yoongi/Jungkook x OC

Warnings: Graphic Violence, Heavy Language, Angst, Slow Burn, Smut

Previous Chapters: Prologue 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28

Links: FAQ || BTS Masterlist || Admin E’s AO3 || Admin E’s WP || [ REQUESTS ARE OPEN ]

Word Count: 2,631

Chapter 28: Rain

“Then I turned my eyes to the window and everything looks gray. Gray city, gray buildings, gray roads, gray rain.”

© thebiasrekkers (Admin E). All rights reserved. Reposting/modifying our work is prohibited. Translations are not allowed. Plagiarism/stealing is not tolerated by any means. Legal action will be taken in instances of theft.

Seoul – Sinchon; Seodaemun District South Korea

“You’re a lifesaver, Raelyn-ssi!”

“Yeah, thanks for coming on such short notice.”

“We had our hands full, so we really appreciate it.”

Raelyn smiled brightly, shaking her head as she waved at her fellow nurses at the hospital she was dispatched to. They all shared a laugh in the break room, steaming paper cups of coffee cradled in each of their hands as they chatted about how busy their schedules had been. Raelyn’s Korean was good enough that she could keep up with the various dialects that filled the room; from as deep in the city as Seoul to as far as the countryside as Gwangju. She enjoyed getting to know each of the nurses and orderlies who milled in and out of the main general hospital in Seodaemun.

Normally, her hospital in Gangnam was busy. But her supervisor insisted that her expertise would be better suited in Seodaemun for that week. If they needed her longer, she was given the go-ahead to remain for a few more days. Either way, she would earn a full week of PTO when she returned and she certainly wasn’t about to start complaining about that.

Part of her was happy to be out of Gangnam for a few days. She needed time to process things and really think about what road she was taking. Raelyn felt slightly hypocritical when she thought about her relationship with Taehyung, and on many levels at that.

While the Golden Jackals may have been no more, it didn’t change that their foundation was still a little unstable. People wouldn’t shift their opinions about them so easily, though it was becoming less and less difficult to throw that mantle into their faces. However, she was no fool to how the criminal underworld worked. If anything, the lack of firearms made Korean gangsters scarier than American gangsters. In America, all a civilian needed was another gun. While a normal person could carry a knife, the difference was that Korean gangsters could all fight. All of them. They wouldn’t hesitate to pierce someone with a knife or bludgeon someone to death with a steel pipe.

Getting their hands dirty was part of the territory.

When she thought about it, Raelyn probably attributed her attraction to Hoseok to that level of danger at first. Discovering that he was the leader only caused her adrenaline to soar to new heights, tickling the senses and rousing a deep-seated darkness that she had long since buried while she was living in the States. Raelyn was young and foolish in her younger years, running headlong into the fire and not caring if she wound up getting scorched or not. The feeling of her heart pumping like a piston in her chest made her feel alive. She was addicted to that chemical that released itself in her brain.

There was an actual condition for something like that. “Adrenaline Junkie” as she had once affectionately been called by her peers. That sense of danger excited her. Dealing with Hoseok and the other Golden Jackals was guaranteed a life of said danger.

When feelings were involved, however, Raelyn realized very quickly that the criminal life wasn’t for her. She could handle the backdoor dealings and under the table handshakes. She could take the mask she often had to don when she walked beside Hoseok during gatherings, both with his underlings and his main umbrella. What Raelyn couldn’t handle was seeing someone she cared about constantly in pain; struggling mentally and physically with his own demons as he promised that things would change. He made those promises as easily as it was for him to breathe.

In the beginning, she’d believed that they were all lies. That he was just saying what she wanted to hear to get her to stay by his side. It was the sort of thing Raelyn expected from most people in her life; men and women, friends and family alike. Nothing changed. Nothing ever did.

But now things were different. Things were beginning to change. Raelyn felt conflicted for the first time in a long while.

“Oh, dammit,” she heard one of the orderlies say, rising from his chair to cross the breakroom, “I forgot to bring an umbrella.”

Raelyn craned her neck with the others in the room, seeing the sudden torrential downpour that fell from the skies. While everyone else groaned in shared sentiments, she smirked and continued to sip her coffee. She didn’t mind the rain. She minded it even less when she didn’t have an umbrella.

It’ll be fine, she thought while setting her cup down on the table, a little rain never hurt anyone.

Her phone buzzed on the table, causing her to raise a brow when she saw two messages. One was from Taehyung, asking the normal question of when she was going to come back home. She shook her head, not sure if she wanted to answer him just yet. It wasn’t like she was avoiding him, but it would be a lie if she said his promise hadn’t shaken her up a bit. Why he felt it was even necessary for her...what did that say about her?

Had she made it that obvious?

The second message was from Eden, which had her almost laughing.

Eden: I’m sick of having to deal with this shit by myself. Ana is in LaLa Land and I’m not having it. You hear me? I spoke with your supervisor and he said today’s your last day at that hospital. I’m coming to pick you up. Don’t even think about trying to dodge me.

She picked up the phone, sending her a ‘smirk’ emoji, before replacing the phone into her pocket. Raelyn scoffed, finishing her coffee and tossing the cup into the trash. If anyone didn’t know any better, people would think that Eden was her girlfriend.

“Raelyn-ssi,” one of the female nurses called out to her, “are you going to be busy later? We were thinking about getting drinks after our shifts were over.”

Eyeing her wristwatch, Raelyn sighed. She was scheduled to do one more walk through of her rounds and then she could call it a day. By the time she finished, Eden would be arriving at the hospital.

Looking up at her fellow nurse, she shook her head and smirked. “I’ll have to take a raincheck, Mina-ssi. My ride is going to be here after we do our rounds.”

A few of her colleagues pouted and she laughed. It was a short amount of time she was dispatched to the hospital, but they already welcomed her as one of them. It was nice to be valued for her skills and who she was as a person versus the color of her skin.

Fifteen minutes seemed to fly by faster than she’d anticipated. As soon as Raelyn finished checking on her last patient, she made her way to the front desk to let them know she was leaving for the evening. Already other nurses and orderlies were coming in to relieve the Day Side crew of their shift – taking on the evening hours until the Overnight shift would come in to replace them .

As if on cue, her phone buzzed and it was a message from Eden telling her that she was pulling up. The rain hadn’t eased up. If anything, it was coming down harder than it had just a while ago. Mulling over the downpour, Raelyn was inwardly thanking Eden for being so stubborn. A little rain never hurt anyone, but a lot of rain in early Spring could cause someone to get sick. Maybe even her.

She waved to the receptionist at the front desk, clutching at her light jacket and bag. As she exited the building, Raelyn stopped just short of the hospital’s awning. She looked around, trying to spy out Eden’s car, and pouted when she didn’t see the mixed girl’s vehicle in sight. Pulling out her phone, she began texting her that she was outside. Raelyn pouted, tapping her foot on the concrete pavement.

“She demands I don’t ditch her, and she goes and ditches me ,” she muttered, turning her head in every direction to see if maybe she’d just missed her friend, “that bitch.”

“Take your fuckin’ hands off me!”

Whipping her head to the right, Raelyn’s eyes widened slightly. It was Eden’s voice. Taking a half step forward, the fronts of her shoes got wet from the water splashing on the ground. Squinting, she tried to make out what was happening in the parking lot. Eden was standing there with an umbrella opened over her head, her other hand clinging to a smaller one – presumably for Raelyn. However, there were about four men attempting to accost her.

Raelyn took another step forward, about to intervene. But before she could open her mouth and yell, she saw Eden dropping the umbrella in her hand only to extend the smaller one in her other hand, rearing her arms around her and swinging like she was holding a baseball bat. Successfully clobbering one on the side of the neck, Raelyn could only watch as her friend spun on her heel and smashed her combat clad foot into the gut of one of the men who tried to grab her by the shoulder.

Sighing, Raelyn knew that it was useless trying to get in the middle of one of Eden’s scuffles. The woman was damned and determined to spit in the face of society because they continued spitting in hers. She was hoping that giving Jungkook a chance would loosen Eden up, but it only proved to get the woman even more riled up than usual.

Just as Raelyn was about to take a lean against one of the hospital pillars, one of the men reached out and snatched Eden by the back of her hair. He grabbed a fistful of her hair and pulled back, causing Eden’s head to whip back and she yelled in protest. Raelyn’s legs moved before her mind could process anything, her shoes splashing in small puddles of water as she attempted to close the distance between her and her friend.

“Hey! Get your hands off her!”

No sooner had Raelyn yelled it, did the man holding Eden’s hair scream in pain. He immediately wrenched his hand from her thick curly locks, now soaked in the downpour. Clutching at his wrist, she saw the blood weeping from his fingers and palm. Raelyn skidded to a halt, blinking wildly as she attempted to process just what in the hell just happened. Tilting her head, she didn’t have time to really get a look at the man’s hand before she saw Eden’s knee crash into the side of his temple.

As Eden’s boot slammed into the ground, soft tinkling sounds followed. Raelyn’s eyes shifted to the ground and she could only stare agape at the three razor blades now on the ground. Her eye-line moved to meet Eden’s and her friend smirked, tossing the small umbrella to Raelyn who caught it robotically in her hands.

“I brought this so you wouldn’t have to be standin’ out in the rain,” she replied cheekily. All Raelyn could do was stare at her. Eden cocked her head to the side. “What?”

“…did you really just—”

Before she could get the words out, one of the other men grabbed Eden by the wrist – yanking her backward with all the force he could muster. Her heels slipped on the wet concrete and Raelyn let out a sharp gasp when Eden slammed back-first onto the ground. There was a distinct pop from her shoulder and her yell exploded from her chest.

“Mother…fucker!” Eden snarled through clenched teeth, glaring at the man holding her arm through one open eye. “Let go of me!”

“Let go of her!” Raelyn screamed in tandem with her friend, ready to clobber him with the umbrella the same way her friend had.

“Oi! Let her go, Taewon-ah,” called a voice over the roaring rainstorm.

The man immediately released Eden’s arm, her limb splashing into the water and Raelyn was at her friend’s side – already helping her onto her feet. Her arm dangled limply at her side, but she could feel Eden shaking furiously in her grasp. Whatever pain her friend was in, she apparently didn’t care. The mixed girl was ready to fight like a wild tiger who’d had its whiskers pulled.

Standing off to the side was a man with dark auburn hair dressed in a long black trench coat, a tailored gray suit underneath. He held a clear umbrella over his head, the four men who assaulted Eden now standing by his side. They clasped their hands in front of them, stoic like soldiers despite one of the men’s hands bleeding freely in conjunction with the rain. Still mentally reeling over her friend having razor blades hidden in her hair, she turned to head back inside to treat Eden’s dislocated shoulder.

“I can see why she’s the Steel Claw ’s girlfriend,” she heard the man say from behind her.

Raelyn paused, slowly pivoting around but careful not to aggravate Eden’s arm further. “What did you say?”

“She’s feisty, that one.” He grinned, one hand slipping into the pocket of his jacket. “It’s almost a waste, really.”

Eden spit at him despite being several feet away. “And who in the fuck are you?”

He bowed his head politely, his eyes still locked on theirs. “Lee Minhyuk,” he said easily, straightening to his full height, “Jindo Dog of the Jade Fangs.”

A ball of ice crashed into Raelyn’s gut. “W-What?” She tried to maintain her sense of calm, but found it was difficult the more she stared into his icy smile.

Her friend’s laughter cut through her trepidation. “And we’re supposed to give a shit, why? What’s that got to do with those punks following me around like some fuckin’ cockroaches, huh?”

Raelyn was angry now. “You should know by now that the Golden Jackals have phased out from gangster business. Why do you guys insist on poking around?”

Minhyuk shrugged one shoulder. “In our world, it’s not so easy to step into the light. It's a fickle place and treats scoundrels like us as little more than garbage.” Even though his smile was present, his eyes narrowed. “Changkyun-ah is curious, is all.”

“About what?” Raelyn snapped, readjusting her hold on Eden.

“He wants to know if what Hoseok-ah and the others are doing is genuine or just some big show to hide their true plans.” He shrugged again, closing his eyes this time. “And what it will take to drag them back into the shadows with the rest of us.”

“You lousy sack of shit!” Eden shifted forward, attempting to lunge at Minhyuk but Raelyn held her back.

Minhyuk chuckled, pivoting so that only his profile was in view. “One of the tigers has claws. That makes things interesting, for sure. I apologize for the boys’ behavior. They get a little excited from time to time.” Craning his neck slightly so he could face them, he bowed his head again in a polite gesture that was in stark contrast to what his actual words were conveying. “Take care, ladies.”

Neither of them moved, watching Minhyuk leave with his small entourage. When it finally appeared that they were gone, Raelyn felt Eden slump against her. Without wasting another second, she yelled for help and a few of the EMTs who were pulling up for their shift came to her aid. They hauled Eden onto a gurney and wheeled her into the hospital, Raelyn already calling Jungkook to let him know what happened.

The rain was lost to the sound of her raging heartbeat.

[lumilasi]

You can find this template from here

Updated his timeskip look. Made his face more narrower and longer as that seems to have an effect of making the character look older. Also long hair and beard. 

Rest of the Bio below

Age: 24

Sexuality: Aro/Ace

KAIN’S QUIRK EXPLAINED:

Quirk name: Access

BASICS: 

Allows him to access and manipulate people’s minds and bodies, electric devices, the surrounding terrain to an extent, as well as spacetime itself, I.E create portals both in world and other dimensions.

QUIRK WEAKNESSES: 

It requires a lot of energy to be diverted into his brain and quirk, so his physical stamina and health is weaker than average; he needs to constantly be conscious of the energy his body has left to give to both sustain his life AND this complicated quirk. He’s therefore not a close combatant and suffers from myriad of health issues such as headaches, vertigo, dizzy spells and so on. 

Kain also sometimes struggles controlling his power, meaning he passively reads people’s thoughts even when he doesn’t want to, or can even channel their nightmares and anxiety fits, something he ended up suffering from a lot as a child. If he gets too emotionally unstable, his quirk can lash out and harm even his friends involuntarily, such as damaging their internal organs or causing violent hallucinations. This burst is also draining to Kain himself and could lead in severe complications and even death.

Kain’s quirk can be split into four categories:  Portals I Mental Control I Physical Control I Hacking

1. PORTALS (and terms associated with this aspect)

Average Portal: In world portal sizes vary, but typically they are anywhere between palm- to (tall, around 2 meters in diameter) human sized. He can make them bigger, but it requires more energy and often isn’t necessary.

The portals typically have a yellowish glowing edge and can be accessed from both sides. Portals can also be used as an offensive tool by opening one around a person’s limb and cutting it off for example

Rifts: Dimensional rifts look roughly the same but typically last shorter amount of time; he can make them much bigger by default (though it requires a lot of his energy and if he makes a big one, it’s the only thing he can focus on) and even transfer large buildings into other worlds potentially. Typically for this he does need something to enchant his quirk so it doesn’t drain his energy so much

Awareness: In order to access a place, Kain either needs to have a visual for it, or have enough “knowledge” of the place. Either by being there before, or using someone’s memory and awareness of the location. It works the best with places he’s been in before and knows well, or somebody whose memories he’s using does/has been. 

Scouting: Accessing other worlds, he typically can “scout out” the place beforehand by using his mental access ability on locals to see through their eyes and memories what kind of world he’s entering into. Easiest way to do this is access the mind of a doppleganger of somebody he knows

RIFT USING RULES

Kain can only access worlds (physically) that are similar to his. Worlds that are too different and have none of the same people that existed in his world for example are beyond his reach. The more alike the world is, the easier it is to Scout and access. He can still view these bizarre worlds, but he can’t enter them. He also can’t enter worlds where a version of him with similar power exists.

He always has to return home, and so does anyone who accompanies him. Kain can remain in other worlds for even years in theory (he hasn’t tested it yet), but typically people with him need something to “anchor” themselves into this new plane of existence.

Kain can inject his stronger resistance to the “dimensional pull” as he calls it, by either donating his blood, or having his DNA otherwise injected into his companions. He can only donate his blood to those who match his AB bloodtype though. (such as Ryuu) 

From his observations, the dimensional pull from his rifts affects emitter quirk types the most, which he theorizes is because emitters often don’t have a “physical” constant existence, so they already live in an unstable pocket dimension of sorts.

Typically, you return close to the same time to when you left, the longest he’s been away from his home world - from the local’s perspective - has been a month. It is only if he pushes the stay after a certain point, that his own world’s time may start to catch up. (This is again more of a theoretical thing; he hasn’t dared to test it out yet)

2. MENTAL CONTROL

Access Link: He can access a person’s mind and body by either touching or looking at them. This allows him to spy on things through the person’s senses. He can even extend this ”vision” skill by making it jump from his original target to a new person they’re looking at, though the effect tends to weaken with a secondary target, and he can only do this jump twice. 

Reconnecting: after making this first “linking” he can reignite it and slip back into the person’s mind the second time, even without seeing them or knowing their location. After that it depends on the person in question how easy it’ll be; the connection lasts longer the better he knows the person, and with those he’s closest to (like Ryuu) he can re-link himself anytime he wants without needing any physical or visual contact. Those he doesn’t know as well, he typically needs to redo the connection after the second or third time using it, which means he has to see the person or touch them. 

Passive use: Often when dealing with a newer person that he needs to keep the connection open with for whatever reason, he tends to passively keep looking into their minds to not turn off the linking. This does mean it is draining for his health so it is better done when he doesn’t have to do much anything else with his quirk the same time.

Mental manipulation: He can read people’s thoughts and subtly manipulate their thinking; it is not direct brainwashing but rather subtly poking at one’s subconscious. He can also directly speak into person’s head. He can also make the target hallucinate or if asleep, either see nightmares or make sure they rest well.

Mind reading: He can read into people’s thoughts and memories, and even in rare cases such as quirks like AFO and OFA with their own pocket dimensions, access those.

PHYSICAL CONTROL(and terms associated with it)

Paralysis: Allows him to paralyze his target briefly, activates by sight or touch like his mental linking. People with high level of mental resilience can resist it better than most.

Minor Quirk control: Allows him to temporarily block someone’s quirk from being used, though this doesn’t work on mutant types as their mutation is a more clear part of their bodies. (even if the mutation is not directly linked to their quirk) Also typically difficult ability to maintain for longer than a minute as it drains him a lot.

Medic Abilities: He can perform ”surgery” on people without tools and basically fix their injuries (or cause internal damage.) He can even cure poisoning by making the body create natural antibodies against it, as long as he knows exactly how the said poison works. Kain can’t use this ability on his own body, only on others.

HACKING

He can access computers and other electric devices by touch or visual connection, and hack them. Since hacking is something he rarely needs to do though, given the people he hangs out with tend to have somebody who knows how to hack, this ability is rarely used.

PERSONALITY SUMMARY

Kain is a very calm and level-headed individual, who is also highly intelligent and good at observing and manipulating people. He’s not very emotional, border-lining sociopath due to his severe childhood trauma, where his brain basically locked his emotions away for the most part so he could process the side-effects of his quirk.

Because of how many things his quirk can do, Kain is naturally curious about everything, and likes to poke around and see what he can do to change the situation somehow, or just in general see what will happen if he does something.

He tends to at times struggle with general empathy, typically extending it only to those he’s grown fond of. Even then, he may sometimes come off cold and like he doesn’t fully grasp the other person’s emotions, given his mostly logic driven mind. This results in him sometimes saying things in a manner that can sound needlessly harsh, or kind of devious/manipulative given his calm and polite manner of speech, even if he doesn’t mean to come off that way. 

Kain has a very strong sense of honor in a sense, that he always keeps his word, and tends to look people who break their with extreme disdain, sometimes beyond what is appropriate for the situation. He can also in extreme cases go so far as to cause himself severe harm to keep a promise he finds important. Kain also hates not having control over his own situation due to his childhood, and is acutely aware of how dangerous his quirk could be if he loses control of it, to the point it could harm those he doesn’t want to. If somebody, somehow causes him to end up in such a situation, he will take it very personally and may get quite brutal towards the culprit.

He’s ultimately selfish and very logic-driven individual, meaning every action he takes has a self-serving/self-preserving nature. However, that can lend him into sometimes aiding others and even saving their lives if it serves his interest. 

MORE FACTS

- His name translates to “Calamity of the red castle,” though people who haven’t seen how it’s written often assume his surname simply means “redwhite” given The words for Castle and white sound the same.

- Since his mother was Canadian, Kain can speak both French and English fluently on top of Japanese. He’s taught Ryuu a bit of both, but mostly the only things Ryuu remembers from French is insults.

- His original name, according to his late mother, would’ve been “Kibou” which means hope, wish, aspiration. She wanted to name him that because she’d wanted a child for a long time, but struggled to get pregnant initially.

- He often wears a face-mask due to his poor health, even in his disguise outfit, sometimes even indoors. And hide if he starts coughing blood from his enemies.

- While classified as villain, Kain arguably sometimes acts more like an anti-hero, as the actions he takes during his travels sometimes result in him helping someone who really needs it. 

- Kain tends to despise people who go back in their own principles and hold absolutely no standards when trying to reach a goal. This stems from the fact his father pretty much did not have any when it came to conducting his experiments; Kain found it especially despicable given he was a Doctor, and Doctors are made to swear the oath of “do no harm.”

BG STORY

He was born with a powerful Quirk, but his body was weak as a side-effect from the ability.

His mum ended up dying during childbirth due to complications, which caused his father Daiki to be distant from his son up until the age four when his Quirk manifested, and Daiki decided to use his boy for his military projects due to the versatility of his ability. He did also claim he was looking for a way to “cure” the weak body of his, but instead of strengthening his body, he mainly ended up enchanting Kain’s Quirk. Daiki then decided to use these enchantments in his own research.

As a child, Kain struggled with his ability to see into people’s memories where it would happen involuntarily, making him unable to tell what were his and what were other people’s memories. This chaos inside his brain was detrimental to his mental health, and it culminated one day where he accidentally killed a bunch of people working in the facility/patients, because he “just wanted the voices to stop” and his power lashed out without his control.

After this incident, his brain sort of began turning off his feelings to not have severe reactions like this each time he accidentally saw something horrid.

Eventually, this defense mechanism made him near completely unable to empathize with people easily, or feel any sort of emotions strongly. He could tell when some sort of emotion would be required, but he just couldn’t feel it. During his childhood, Kain Met Ryuu during one of his runaway trips (opened a portal away from the lab he was kept in and wandered off on his own) and they became friends.

Kain helped Ryuu to learn to control his ability better, as Kain was pretty much a genius kid from a very young age and was always curious to see how far one could develop their skills, a trait he inherited from his scientist father. At some point, some of Daiki’s co-workers gave him out to the authorities for his questionable practices, so Daiki ran away with his son to continue his research in secret.

At one point, Dr. Akashiro makes a deal with AFO to kidnap a certain boy for him, and he in turn would help him with the research.

(This boy being young Tenko Shimura, who in THIS verse was raised by All Might and not by AFO.)

All Might eventually came to rescue his adoptive child, and Daiki was forced to find a new place to hide and continue his project. He comes up with an idea to use Kain’s powers to transfer his lab into another dimension, which he eventually pulls off, finding a world where, peculiarly, he meets a version of the boy he once kidnapped, who’d been completely corrupted by villainy.

Later on, Daiki uses his boy’s power to teleport them into another dimension to escape from those pursuing them. His son’s body is weakened greatly however, and the man starts searching for a solution to this issue, not wanting to lose his precious research material.

After years, he finally comes to a conclusion. He needs to get Kain a whole new body, and there happens to be a person who matches. A child he’d already once taken from his new home.

Shimura Tenko

the rest is basically a spoiler to Reanimate, so I won’t explain what happens here in detail, all you need to know is that Kain finally kills his dad and escapes his clutches, joining back with his childhood friend Ryuu. He also indirectly saves Tenko, by preventing his dad from using his body to replace Kain’s old one, figuring out another way to fix the damage his dad’s forced dimension hopping had done to him.

Bio template (C) Yourultraarchive

Oc (C) me

[aphrodicted]

Hey love🥰❤️ hope you are doing well! Could you possibly give me a reading as detailed as you can about my future husband maybe personality wise and his appearance and our relationship dynamic in the future? Thank you a million YLC Taurus :)

Hello, angel! I’m great! How are you?

His personality and appearance: The Star, The Temperance, Two of Wands, King of Swords, Nine of Pentacles (reversed), The Hermit (reversed).

He presents himself as a self-confident person, since he has great intelligence. He is a person with mental speed and without fear of proposing or showing his thoughts and ideas. However, he can be somewhat temperamental and impulsive (especially verbally). When it comes to speaking, he can be very verbally hard and hurt unconsciously because he has no filter. He is a man with a vision of the future and he can dedicate himself to the business world and he have great fame and prestige for his decisions and work projects. He is a man with a vision of the future: the future is very important to him. Everything he does is planned and he can end up being somewhat controlling to make sure everything goes as he wishes. However, he is never satisfied with what he has and that can lead to stress or feeling little understood by the people around him. That continued dissatisfaction can lead you to not accept your lonely moments and want to always be around people.

He doesn’t present himself as a physically sensual person, but as a physically speaking normal person. The most outstanding physical aspects in your reading are light hair (blonde or very light brown) with light skin. However, the color of his eyes isn’t entirely clear to me, but dark colors do stand out. Finally, add that he will be a few years older than you. If it isn’t by age or physically, your future husband may have a mental age greater than yours.

Your relationship: The Lovers, Two of Pentacles, The Strenght, Page of Cups, Page of Wands, Knight of Swords, The Moon, Ten of Wands.

Your relationship will be very variable and unstable. This doesn’t have to speak about a breakup or a short relationship, but a relationship full of ups and downs generated by the great emotional charge between the two. It’s a very romantic relationship, where both of you will feel a lot for each other, but you must learn to balance this passion that you will feel for the other. Your future husband will be very in love with you and he will have a passionate love for you, but this passion can bring him problems if passion isn’t understood or balance isn’t known, since at some point that passion will diminish and if your husband links passion with your interest in the relationship... this can have negative consequences. On the other hand, on a material level, the relationship will be very stable. Your relationship with your future husband will bring a lot of financial or material stability.

Looking at other aspects of your love relationship with your future husband, you will both share a mental affinity and very good communication. You will have no trouble understanding each other or talking to each other about any aspect that may make you uncomfortable. In addition, both of you will have a great sexual connection closely linked to this excessive passion that you feel for each other. Your partner's sexual imagination is vast and he will be fantasizing about what to practice with you constantly. The libido of both is manifested as abundant. However, as I mentioned before, your relationship is very changeable and your moods will greatly influence the couple. If one of the two is sad, the relationship will start to weigh too much; if you are both happy, the relationship will be easy to carry, and so on. Despite the instability, both of you will define your relationship as fantastic, something that you cannot live with another person.

Finally, you didn’t meet your next husband because my cards tell me about new paths in your love life. Your future husband may be someone destined to meet you and share a time in your life, so it will be an important relationship. You will meet your next husband in a single moment and he will appear in your life. In the same way, it’s possible that he is also single and you appear in his life for the first time. The relationship, at first, will be very positive for both of you, but it can become a burden if you don't know how to stabilize your emotions.

Good luck, angel!

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