#i mean it obviously always was a metaphor for queerness and religion

[qqueenofhades]

....I feel Some Kinda Way about the capital-Q Queerness of this season thus far, I'll tell you that.

[radgepacket]

Please please please can you explain the Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy of it all I need your thoughts

sorryyyy for taking so long to reply i've been trying to do it justice without making it too long (lol). hope this is sufficient x

good omens is an espionage drama written and published at the very end of the cold war when a story about two ideologically opposed superpowers fighting the war to end all wars can only ever be about one thing, whether intentional or not, and thematically it pulls from the genre in several places: loyalty, betrayal, repression. i know a lot of people like to interpret it as a metaphor for (leaving) organised religion but i prefer coming at it from this angle, not only because im terminally ttsspilled but because i think it ties aziraphale and crowley's relationship dynamic and characterisations in better with the wider themes of the book and tv show.

beyond the overt references and meetings in st james' park, the foremost le carreism in good omens is the choice to make crowley and aziraphale (posh) british. not just as a default of the writers being british, but as a means to establish them as everymen. it's a running theme in western spy lit (despite. obviously not being true) that britain is caught in the middle of the cold war and is often used as the neutral mediator: consider something more tonally similar to good omens than ttss, the man from uncle, which makes their american and soviet agents' shared handler british. this position evokes a more dry, detached commentary heaped in nostalgia

the cold war is something that happens TO britain, not because of it. earth is britain in this context and aziraphale and crowley, two very different but recognisably british caricatures who don't drive the conflict as much as get swept up in it, adopt this role perfectly.

that leaves the opposing sides, which are left faceless in tinker tailor as they (largely) are in the good omens novel. the main characters in tinker tailor are disillusioned with their respective ideologies. "only the particular in life [has] value": friends, lovers, pleasures. we get the we're-not-so different-you-and-i speech from smiley to karla:

of course the novel is still vehemently anti-communist, but this too is swept up in the cynicism of its outlook. haydon is not even a foolish idealist or a envious socialist: he is driven by the empty whim of aesthetics

so there is no substantial moral drive to either the protagonists (smiley, prideaux) or antagonists (karla, haydon): it is simply the way of things. this same lack of genuine belief is also present in good omens - it's the comedic core of the presences of heaven and hell, and that's not even getting into the way that they are both portrayed as civil service departments. going back to the britishness of it all, the mundaneity of bureaucracy is used in both stories to convey very different styles of the same tweeness.

crowley and haydon are the characters i want to compare the most here: crowley's "defection" is similarly obscured in its motivation ("sauntered vaguely downwards") but his attitude towards it is conflicted and ultimately repressed. their eccentricities (which flag them as queer, if anything else) are emboldened and threatening to other characters, compared to those of their foils who are presented as largely harmless oddities. the major difference of course is that haydon, as a selfish traitor of his country and lover, is presented as an antagonist; whereas crowley, as a mere questioner of authority, is presented at worst as an anti-hero.

tinker tailor as a romance story has been discussed for ages, usually in the context of ann and smiley but also regarding haydon and prideaux: the relationship underlying the entire plot of the novel.

they are two halves of an "inseparable" whole, though we're only ever shown their implied romance in retrospect and always with the threat of this ideological conflict - already established as meaningless - coming between them.

following the beats of this subplot, aziraphale and crowley were always going to end up separated as long as their narratives were tied up in the wider conflict between heaven and hell, and as long as - by extension - both of them remained obligated to uphold their political roles: blindly loyal or spitefully treacherous (note this is how each views the other, not necessarily their sincere positions). in this sense, it is not just aziraphale who remains tied to heaven but crowley too: even if they did run away together, his very identity can't be divorced from his defection so long as heaven and the (potential of) conflict between it and hell exist.

another thing to mention is how both being gay and being a communist (or ideologically treacherous more generally) are portrayed in ttss. both require such discretion & illicit action that makes their practise indistinguishable. every mention of haydon and prideaux being in a relationship, for example, is sandwiched in with one or both of them being "pink" (not an accidental choice of euphemism):

existing repression, whether a general cultural emotional repression or specifically with regard to homsexuality, makes for a good spy. not only do they have practise in discretion, it's also a useful tool to wield over them to ensure that they remain discreet. this understanding is played upon extensively throughout good omens, particularly when aziraphale and crowley are trying to hide their relationship with one another from their superiors. their straying from their respective sides is indistinguishable from pursuing their relationship.

so here we have a story taking place in a (purported) neutral ground between two superpowers, on the brink of armageddon, centred around the historic relationship between two men - one of whom defects to the other side and another who remains steadfastly loyal to a side that mistreats him. BOTH men are betrayed, though not necessarily just by each other...

...but the betrayal between them is the ultimate driving force behind the entire novel. we even have the loyal holding out a doomed olive branch to the traitor at the last minute, even when they know that their path is set

the only huge difference between these two narratives is which betrayal we are invited to be sympathetic towards. haydon's betrayal through defection is condemned by obfuscating and trivialising his motivations, but from the opposite perspective, that of the defector, crowley is the one who is betrayed by an inability to exist outside of the conflict in which he has no stake.

[ladychlo]

Chay, I suddenly remember that video of Louis saying something about how his X tattoo made by Robbie Williams will make him look religious, in a sarcastic kind of tone like he obviously doesn't want people to mistake him for the religious kind. In a quite a few songs too you see that religion being a thing that comes in, even if subtly. As a lesbian who has always had a very negative relationship with religion, I feel Louis’ attitude towards religion really speaks to the queer experience, right? Louis has multitudes within him really. He has strong opinions. And he says a lot by saying so little.

hello love,

its really interesting!! I love it when artist use religious imagery as a metaphor to write. I think the common experience between queer people and religion is something you cant dismiss, I mean otb is full of rainbows for a reason. Louis is great great song writer, the way he uses metaphors not to embellish but more to give an emphasis to a certain point or story he wants to deliver so yeah.

aside, I wouldn't assume his subjectivity towards his believes tbh. but also as someone who is queer and muslim, I do relate my own queer/religion experience to some of his songs... some just hit really close to home (I mean if he write songs that so many queer people relate to....is for a reason if yk what I mean)

[collaborationandresearchproposal]

Wednesday 5th, Research proposal: First Draft

Title

Evil Kweens: A Queer Look At The History Of Villains And Monsters In Animation And Film

 Report type

Extended essay

 Proposed table of contents

 The Hays Code

 -       Guidelines are technically voluntary, in practice the major Hollywood audios used the Hays Code guidelines as convince the means of staving off pressure groups

 -       Directly influenced the content of almost every American film made between 1930 and 1966

 Queer-coding and Queer-baiting with focus on Disney and modern media

 -       both are issues for the LGBTQIA+ community as they seek to capitalize on these marginalized groups

 -       Queer-baiting: portraying an obviously queer relationships with the use of cues and subtext without acknowledging it or perhaps even gas lighting it.

 -       Queer-coding: writing a character with queer stereotypes as a form of representation without explicitly acknowledging that the character is queer.

Queer-coding isn’t always bad. It’s all about the creators’ intentions.

Queer-baiting however is pretty much always harmful.

-       Disney villains

 Lycanthropy and other monstrous subtext/ parallels. Allegory or myth?

-       talk about werewolf’s (Teen Wolf, Harry Potter, Buffy)

-       Frankenstein (Mary Shelly, Rocky Horror Picture Show,

 Question

 Is representation of LGBT individuals in animation and other forms of entertaining media good for the community or just a way for corporate big wigs to swindle money from hopeful queer people who would pay to see at least one shred of a character who is like them?

 Limitations

-       it may be hard for me to stay objective given that I’m in the LGBT community myself

 -       risk of outdated sources and temporal context problems. A project of its time will certainly play a part but more importantly the LGBT community is quite fickle it changes a lot as new identities and constructs get introduced so it may be hard to find a viable source.

 Background

The Hays code was published in 1930 and was based on three general principles:

 -       no picture shall be produced that will lower the moral standards of those who see it. Hence the sympathy of the audience should never be thrown to the side of crime, wrongdoing, evil or sin.

 -       correct standards of life, subject only to the requirements of drama entertainment, shall be presented.

 -       Law, natural or human, shall not be included, nor shall sympathy be created for its violation.

 These were developed in a series of rules grouped under the self-explanatory headings Crimes Against The Law, Sex, Vulgarity, Obscenity, Profanity, Costume Dances (I.e. suggestive movements), Religion, Locations (I.e. the bedroom) National Feelings, Titles and Repellent Subjects''  (extremely graphic violence)

 Typical features of queer- coded characters

 -       high cheekbones

 -       thin bodies

 -       feminine beauty

 -       dramatic of voice and actions

 -       male characters may talk or sing in falsetto or have camp ness to their voice and a female character will most likely have a deeper voice (Maleficent, Evil Queen, Ursula- who is actually based on a drag queen)

 -       these characters may also drag out their words and walk about at though slinking (Scar, the Lion King)

 Examples or queer-baiting

-       Myka Bearing and H.G. Wells (Warehouse13, SYFY)

Warehouse13 took a hit in ratings after its fourth season, meaning its fifth only had 6 episodes. It seemed to queer fans in particular that Myka and HG had a blossoming romance. It was even confirmed in the last episode that HG is indeed Bisexual but also in the last episode, Myka ends up with series long partner who at many points has been akin to the brother she never had. Their relationship was definitely flirtatious and I'm not saying that closing out the electric romantic arc between them would have saved the show, it was cancelled anyway, but It would have been nice since the interactions that HG and Myka had were actually what pushed fans to secure the final season. However you can’t be too mad as the show does have probably one of the best portrayals of a gay character on tv.

 -       Sherlock and John Watson ( Sherlock, BBC)

 -       Captain America and Bucky Barnes (MCU)

 -       Spock and Kirk ( Star Trek, NBC)

 -       Emma and Regina (Ounce Upon A Time, ABC)

 -       Stiles and Derek ‘Sterek’ (Teen Wolf, MTV)

 -       Merlin and Arthur ‘Merthur’ (Merlin, BBC)

 -       Dean and Castiel (Supernatural, ABC)

 Lycanthropy

-       seems to be synonymous with the homosexuality- parallels between teen Wolf and Buffy the vampire slayer’s respective coming out scenes

 -       the Queer-ness of Professor Lupin from the Harry Potter Franchise- J.K Rowling has admitted that Lupin’s Lycanthropy is a metaphor for AIDS/ HIV but has further dismissed fans’ theories that Lupin is Queer.

 -       Homophobia and HIV- homophobia acts as a major barrier to ending the AIDS crisis and at the beginning of the AIDS epidemic, gay men were so my led out to receive abuse as many believed they were responsible for transmitting the disease.

 Overall aims

 -       explore the impact of queer-baiting on queer communities

 -       investigate true intentions behind the Hays Code

 -       Make people aware of what’s good representation and what’s bad representation.

 Research methods

 I plan to use relevant books and articles. I will also be looking to Disney films from the Disney renaissance era and looking into monster stories such as the Wolfman and Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein's Monster, paying close attention to subtext and possible parallels as well as comparing them with more modern sources such as Harry Potter and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

 These are appropriate methods of research because they will allow me to get others’ perspectives on the topic and allow me to analyze the villains and monsters in detail and give me visual material to talk about deeply.

 Potential outcomes

 -       The research will be helpful for me because it will allow me to increase my awareness on a subject that I am already passionate about and interested in.

 -       in a wider context this may help more people to understand the meaning and history behind the characteristics of their favorite villain and any possible subtext that may be lurking beneath them.

 -       educate those that are unaware or the issues queer-baiting and queer-coding pose.

 Timeline

Bibliography

Brooke, M. The Hays Code the moral code that governed mid-20th  century American filmmaking. Available at http://www.screenonline.org.uk/film/id/592022/ (Accessed: 16 March 2021)

 Cheng, Z. (2020) Queer-Baiting: What Is It and Why Is It Harmful to The LGBT Community?

Available at:https://hypebae.com/2020/6/queer-baiting-what-is-it-why-harmful-lgbtq-community-tv-shows (Accessed: 16 March 2021)

 Elliott, J. (2016) Becoming the Monster: Queer Monstrosity and the Reclemation of the Warewolf in Slash Fandom. Dissertation. University of Florida. Available at: file:///C:/Users/me202/Downloads/Becoming_The_Monster_Queer_Monstrosity_a.pdf (Accessed 16 March 2021)

 Ennis, T. (2020) The Strange, Difficult History of Queer Coding.Available at: https://www.syfy.com/syfywire/the-strange-difficult-history-of-queer-coding (Accessed: 16 March 2021)

  Hays, H, W. (1931) Online. United States: Production Code Administration, Appendix 1

  Hutton, Z. (2018) Queering The Clown Prince of Crime: A Look at Queer Stereyotypes as Signifiers In DC Comics’ “The Joker” FIU Electonic Theses and Dissertations. 3702. Availale at https://digitalcommons.fiu.edu/etd/3702/ (Accessed: 16 March 2021)

 McLeod, Dion, S. (2016) Unmaksing the Quillan: Queerness and Villiany in Animated Disney Films. Doctor of Philosophy thesis, School of the Arts, English and Media, University of Wollongong. Available at: https://ro.uow.edu.au/theses/4802/ (Accessed 16 March 2021)

 Smith, M. (2015) Making Things Perfectly Queer: Art’s Use Of Craft To Signify LGBT Identities.The University of Brighton. Available at: https://cris.brighton.ac.uk/ws/portalfiles/portal/4754843/Complete+E+Dissertation+Jan+2016.pdf  (Accessed: 16 March 2021)

[thenugking]

All multiples of three for Three?

3: What is your character's least favorite memory?

I mean picking one is Difficult. I think it’s either the dissolution of Professor Mortwain’s college, or the time they were a kid and Maedryn told them to beat up one of the servants that was always nice to them and looked after them, and they had to Hurt their friend who then stopped talking to them.

6: What is your character's sexual orientation?

Pansexual, doesn’t Get gender.

9: How does your character feel about religion?

It’s very much not a part of their life. like... they’ve met gods. One of their teachers is a god. It’s hard to worship someone who could just be a casual aquaintance.

12: How would/does your character feel about roller coasters?

...Does Three even know what a roller coaster is? They knew very few other kids growing up and Maedryn certainly never took them to a theme park, idk how much roller coasters are even going to come up.

They would not want to go on one, they sound messy.

15: What music genre would your character listen to?

Three never chooses to listen to music, but they enjoy Classical.

Altho my housemate and I were discussing gaffv and music earlier, and she said that as a cyberpunk villain, Xi is basically obligated to listen to dubstep but probably doesn’t actually like it. Three listens to dubstep with them and hates it. Aurion feels he should join in listening because dubstep sounds villainous, right? And he wants to be the best villain in every way, even if it means doing things he doesn’t enjoy. So the three of them sit there, listening to dubstep that they all hate together.

18: How would your character feel about having their life recorded?

I mean, depends who’s doing and watching the recording. Because there’s a lot of things they very much would not want getting out, like the fact that they sometimes have panic attacks, or behave in selfless and caring ways. But on the other hand, DarkBoard is constantly watching them and that is fine. Sometimes comforting. Potentially slightly hot.

21: Is your character flexible?

Pretty flexible, thanks to the training in fighting and such.

24: What prejudices does your character have?

Not many? They’re in several minority groups and try to be socially conscious, and the Academy is actually pretty politically correct.

I feel they have some internal fatphobia, from a belief that, “Come on, just look after yourself, just skip half your meals, it’s easy,” (Three is, obviously, not actually good at looking after themself) and some ableism from, “But we have technology that can just Cure you, why would you not want that, so you can be more effective?” but they’re aware that these thoughts are unfair to others, and aren’t going to vocalise them. Idk how well they’re doing at working on them, but they’re trying.

27: What would be the worst way for your character to die?

Just recycled by Maedryn to make a better clone :(

30: Would your character have any hobbies?

School reading and TA work and excercising and training and making sure all Maedryn’s servants and goons recieve suitable benefits.

As for things they do just because they enjoy them uhh, puzzle games, board games and sex.

33: In what ways is your character like you?

Autistic queer with anxiety. Professor Ulik is also my favourite teacher at the Academy.

36: Does anyone want to harm your character?

Three does their best to either keep people happy with them, or to avoid people noticing they exist, so no one they actually know wants to hurt them. But I’m sure there are a lot of heroes and good guys who very much want to harm Three for like, leading Maedryn’s armies to take over their world.

39: What would be your character's niche on Tumblr?

Three would on no account have a Tumblr. The word isn’t even spelled correctly.

42: What would be your character's dream career?

They do not have dreams--they are a tool, not a person, and their eventual career will be decided by Maedryn, so any ideas they might have about what they’d like are wholly irrelevant.

It would be nice to continue working in Architecture with Professor Ulik, though.

45: What would your character change about themselves?

They would be a better tool, not needing food or sleep at all and able to withstand pain and discomfort more easily. They would have a better understanding on social situations, and would stop freezing up and struggling to talk and feeling like they need to curl into a ball and are about to die when they get anxious sometimes.

48: How would your character type?

Neatly and precisely.

51: What is your character's favorite animal?

They are a tool and a weapon and have no need for such frivolous opinions.

(It’s cats.)

54: What is the saddest thing about your character's life

I mean, everything about the way Maedryn treats them? They’ve been abused so much that they constantly tell themself they’re not a person, because the only way they can survive is to supress their trauma and find a reason why it doesn’t matter that Maedryn keeps hurting them.

57: How would your character feel about feminism?

I mean, I don’t know that it’s something that’s particularly affected Three--Maedryn doesn’t seem to have faced problems from being a woman, so I’m not sure they really saw or knew the need for feminism, growing up. They don’t understand why gender inequality exists so yes, they approve of saying men and women should have the same rights. Why do we have to say that?

I do feel the kind of feminism they’re likely to experience at the Academy is something like,“Women can commit genocide and war crimes as good as any man can!! Yeah, torture that prisoner!! Girl power!!” This is maybe not particularly helpful, but Three can confirm that they have seen no particular difference in the ability of men and women to commit atrocities.

60: If you could title your character's life, what would you title it?

I would cry, because I hate titles, and then try to think of appropriate one word titles and look at song lyrics. So if it was one word, it would probably be something like Servant, or Pawn, or ig we could expand from Pawn into a longer chess metaphor title.

If we’re going for song lyrics, something from The Crane Wives’ The Moon Will Sing, or Rachel Rose Mitchell’s Lantern in the Night, because they’re Three’s signature songs and the Light motif is really good.

[that-shamrock-vibe]

Disney+ What To Watch: My Top 10 Favourite Modern-Day Disney Classics

#6. Zootropolis

Disclaimer: I am aware that this movie's official title is Zootopia, but I'm from the U.K. where it's called Zootropolis both describing the movie and in the movie so that's how I'm going to refer to it as.

So yes, as I stated yesterday with Big Hero 6, it was a real toss-up as to which would be #7 and which would be #6, but I chose Zootropolis as my #6 ultimately because I feel as a story and from an imagination point of view, it does have the superhero movie beat.

Why? Well unlike in the past of Disney movies when you have animals depicted in real-world settings, interacting with humans and simply being able to talk, Zootropolis consists of an entirely animal cast in a completely fictional setting based on any major metropolitan area you can think of and they're all anthropomorphic.

It's any mainstream buddy cop plot you can think of, but one told in this fictional animal populated setting with the same levels of discrimination and issues surrounding prejudice and hierarchy that you would see in any human based movie.

The animation and designs on these animals and the settings are fantastic. It's so obvious to see a fox as a con artist being sly by nature and for a lion to be the mayor as he is king of the jungle, but to actually see them in this setting is just really fun.

The theme of the movie about the metaphorical glass sealing and not being defined into one single trait just because that's what society seems you should always be is really inspiring and there is something about having that message delivered through animals that makes it that much more accessible.

The comedy is so good particularly in places, not just the spoken humour but also the distinct and somewhat obvious character tropes like the sloths working at the licence registration company and being very slow in both working and talking, but also Judy and Nick's reactions to this with Judy getting more and more frustrated and simultaneously Nick smirking.

Even the fact the big crime family of Zootropolis is lead by a rodent called Mr. Big, it's such an obvious gag at this point having someone small being called that, but it still feels fresh here because they're animals.

The names for the districts here are incredible. Little Rodinta could easily be Little Italy but is also inspired by Greenwich Village. TundraTown is this world's polar region, the Bunnyburrow beautifully sums up suburbia and it is also just wonderful.

Now the actual plot is kind of dated in the sense that it is the young plucky dreamer bunny working hard to beat the odds and become a police officer despite every single individual, parents included, trying to tell her she needs to stick to the natural order of things and be a carrot harvester.

Then you have the shady fox who has given up on his dreams and decided to simply take from the world that scarred his childhood as he’s also always been told what he is and been ostracised because of it.

Much like Moana, I love the buddy comedy dynamic that these two have. Because while Judy does seem like the naive dreamer while Nick is the more worldly realist, they both learn through the other one what they need to make them whole, with Nick learning humility and discovering he actually wants to be a cop, while Judy gets some teeth and does things she may not have thought capable of doing, being a bit sly, being cunning.

Realising that the working world is always an upwards climb and there is no resting on her laurels; just because she got into the police force doesn’t mean she’ll be taken seriously, just because she finally gains some recognition and respect, doesn’t mean she’ll please everybody. It’s realistic, it’s everyday, she’s not a Mary Sue but she keeps going and persisting and that’s what makes her such a great character.

Now obviously there was a lot of talk in this movie about the hierarchy of predators and prey, in real-world terms this could be any form of discrimination. Race, homosexuality, gender, religion, all of these real-world discriminatory issues can apparently be summed up in the animal kingdom of predator vs. prey.

One of the best lines in this movie is Officer Clawhauser packing his desk after the new wave of predator discrimination comes in because of Judy and Clawhauser tells her how he’s been demoted because having someone like him being the first face everyone sees isn’t the best fit with the department.

Obviously he’s talking about him being a cheetah and a predator, but because there are also hints of him being an LGBT character one could also make the argument that his line works on multiple levels.

Speaking of Clawhauser, Disney have recently developed a trend of queerbaiting which, as a gay man, is slightly frustrating especially when most of the queerbaited characters are supposedly gay men. Clawhauser, LeFou, Poe Dameron, even Ryder in Frozen II there are so many telltale signs that they indeed are queer characters, but nothing official. Nothing that clearly states they are. It is frustrating, roll on The Eternals.

Judy Hopps as a main character is fantastic because never would I have thought a plucky young bunny cop would be a compelling leading character as a mid-20s man. Two reasons I love Officer Hopps; not only is she voiced by Ginnifer Goodwin aka Snow White/Mary Margaret Blanchard in Once Upon a Time, but she has such a soothing and gentle voice that it suits a bunny rabbit beautifully.

As for Jason Bateman voicing Nick Wilde, not only do I not really know who the actor is but it never sounded like a celebrity coming from an animated characters mouth, I believed Bateman as a fox.

Idris Elba needs more recognition for roles he is great in and as Chief Bogo he is fierce, intimidating, strong and everything that a good Elba performance has.

Jenny Slate, JK Simmons and Alan Tudyk all very well melt into their roles, even though Tudyk plays kind of a parody on his character from Frozen. But it is just great having these supporting players so strong, also Kristen Bell plays Mr. Big’s daughter and is unrecognisable she is that good.

As for Shakira, she’s Shakira but she’s a gazelle, I have never looked at gazelles with any interest before but seeing Shakira as one, I’m sorry but she works it and delivers a great song with “Try Everything”.

There is a reason this movie won the Oscar for best animated picture and why it continues to be such a popular candidate for a sequel. This movie deserves a sequel, I want to see these characters have their stories continue. Through no particular rhyme or reason this was the very first thing I watched when I got Disney+. I wanted a feel good, hopeful, entertaining yet insightful movie to watch and distract me from all the bad that is plaguing this planet currently.

It’s a brilliant movie, it’s innovative yet familiar, light yet dark, action-packed yet laid back viewing. Everything that you want from this sort of movie is here.

So what do you guys think? Post your comments and check out more Disney+ What to Watch Top 10s as well as more Top 10 Lists and other posts.

[sparklebitch]

Dan and Phil’s Impact

Okay this is going to be long and rambling because I’m trying to type it on my phone in the car and my thoughts are all over the freaking place and I don’t blame you if you don’t want to read the whole thing I’ll put a tldr at the end lmao.

So first of all I’ve been watching Dan and Phil since like? 2014~ And for a while there wasn’t a minute that went by where I didn’t think about them. Their videos got me through so much shit in my life. Even dumb video game videos were like my reprieve from real life. And yeah a lot of stuff was super cringy and I was definitely borderline one of those creepy people that wanted to know everything about their lives (obvs not anymore lol) but that aside they were such good freaking influences on me? I looked up to them so much and, sure, I have a lot of role-model-worthy people in my life, but no one like them.

Everyone around me is so aggressively religious (although a lot of them are totally cool about it and not bad peoples !! But the rest of them are total dicks) and I felt like I couldn’t... question myself I guess? About literally anything. I felt like I couldn’t question religion, sexuality, the things I liked, what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be. It was like everyone’s lives revolved around church stuff and people were basically born knowing what they were going to do? And there I was, an awkward, sexually confused, homeschooler who had 2 friends that she wasn’t even that close to. I felt like I was the only one in the world like this. Everyone seemed to have a place in the world, except me. I often thought that maybe it was a mistake that I was in this world, that there was some cosmic screw up and that I was never meant to be born. I felt incomplete and it was so confusing and horrible. I was sure that that feeling was never going to go away. I had no one to talk to, no one to explain to me that it was okay to screw up. It wasn’t the end of the world to question things or yourself, everything was going to be okay. All I wanted in my life was for someone to tell me that.

Then I found Dan and Phil. And yeah, they’re two British boys on the internet that will never know who I am. But that’s okay. They don’t need to know me to have an impact on my life. I mean, who’s ever been impacted by a song? A movie, a book, an actor, an artist? The human race is always searching for someone or something to look up to. Religion, famous people, a father figure, a friend. Someone. And that’s what they were to me.

People didn’t understand what it was that I liked about them. And, if I’m being 100% honest, I guess I didn’t really know either. Sure, they’re funny, and the chemistry between the two is very compelling but there was just something about them that spoke to me. I loved them. More than I had loved anything in my life. I looked up to them, and listened to the things they said, listened to the things they believed it. Through them I discovered so many of the things that I love in my life. I started writing and drawing because of them! It’s crazy to think that I am the person that I am today because of them. I can’t imagine what I would be like if I hadn’t watched their videos.

There’s a lot of uncertainty in my life right now as I’m finishing up getting my General Associates and I’m in the process of starting a daycare with my older sister. It’s a lot for me to process because for the longest time all I wanted to do was get away from here. I wanted to go somewhere and be someone new. And it wasn’t until recently that I realized that’s not what I actually wanted. I love my family and my friends, I love living here (aside from the bigots but they’re everywhere so there’s no escaping them). What I really, truly wanted was to be myself. It wasn’t my family and this town that I wanted to get away from, it was the me that I was pretending to be. I just wanted to be myself, that was all. I didn’t care if it was in a big town with new people, i just wanted people to know me. I wish I knew this back then, then maybe I wouldn’t have gone into a tailspin when I was getting ready for college but hindsight I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When I finished high school it was like I was paralyzed. I didn’t know how to make decisions for myself or do anything on my own. All I knew was that I was not straight, seemingly surrounded by homophobes, and I was very very tired. So, toward the end of summer my mom pushed me enrolled me at a community college near home (which I am grateful for lol) and then I was going to transfer to a university after 2 years. Things started to feel better after that. Around that time I also started taking medication for depression and anxiety and it has only completely changed my life. No longer am I the super quiet painfully awkward person who’s so afraid to say something wrong that she instead stays silent, not telling anyone about my interests or passions in fear that I would be ridiculed, hiding core parts of me while the whole world passes by. I was talking and making jokes, I wasn’t constantly terrified to talk to people or to even simply leave my house to go places. Things were better. I was happier!

But as the time for me to transfer to a university drew near that paralyzing feeling crept back into my skin. I hated my classes. I hated college. I was suddenly plunged back into the world of endlessly scrolling through social media and watching the same shows on tv over and over, isolating myself from everyone and everything trying to ignore the world around me. I felt like everything was hopeless again. I was only occasionally watching dan and Phil videos at this time, having very reluctantly grown away from them (it was a sad day when I realized that I didn’t care if I skipped a video or two. I literally cried that day). But I was bored then, so I started watching their videos again. This was around the time that dan posted his video on depression (that’s a while other long ass post I could make but probably won’t because I’m already tired of typing) and i damn near called my mom (even though she was just downstairs) on the spot to tell her what I was feeling. Hearing that there was someone else out there that felt like I was was enough. But not only that, he explained that recovery is not a straight road. There are twists and turns, there are setbacks. It’s not like I was going to get better and everything was going to magically be awesome all the time. Some stuff was going to suck. I was going to go through shitty times and that was okay.

Because of him, I ended up going back to the doctor and explaining that my meds weren’t working anymore, and I got it taken care of. I feel so much fucking better now than I did before, and I know that it’s okay if I don’t always feel this way. I told my parents that I didn’t want to go to a university and they were okay with it, provided that I finished my 2 year degree at the community college. And while some things still suck, and I’m still worried about my future and whether or not I’m going to meet someone and fall in love, things are absolutely positively 1000% better than they have ever been. And a lot of it is thanks to them. Obviously it was me who actually took the steps I needed to to get here, but it was because of their being my role model that I had the courage to get where I am today.

Dan and Phil have such a unique platform and following. They could say jump and so many people would (metaphorically ofc) jump off the cliff, me included. But they don’t do that. They use their fame to positively impact people. They use their platform to encourage people and talk about important things in life. They share things about their lives in the hopes that it will help even 1 person out there... and I’m not the only one who they’ve positively impacted. The number of people that owe everything to them is crazy.

Okay so now I’m going to go a little bit into labels. (Not too much tho I’m seriously tired of typing lol). Dan talked about them a lot in his video. An entire freaking chapter of it was dedicated to labels. When I was younger I knew that I liked girls. I liked boys too though, so I just shrugged it off as Really wanting to be friends with girls. I didn’t know what the word gay meant until I was like 12 because I was a very sheltered child. My parents never talked about it and the only time I ever remember hearing the word before then was when one of my siblings called another sibling “gay” at the dinner table. The only thing I knew about the word was that my parents Did Not Like it. While I eventually stumbled onto the internet and learned a Lot of things, and a lot about labels, I became overwhelmed. There were so many words with so many meanings, and lot of times people didn’t agree on what the literal definition was. (Like bisexual meaning Only men+women vs. just like.. more than just 2+ genders) So for a long time I identified as pansexual because.. I didn’t know what to do. And based on my experiences on the internet, being bi was basically saying that you were excluding people. Idk it was fucked. The label ‘pan’ didn’t really feel like it fit me either, but it worked for the time being.

Dan’s comments on labels really got me thinking. I don’t think I’m a lesbian, but I don’t really know about bisexual either. When he said that he loved to use the word queer it just.. fucking hit me in the chest like a ton of bricks. I literally couldn’t breath. And it’s not like I’ve never heard people use the word queer. Tons of people identify as queer. But it was just something about the way he explained it? And maybe it was just the fact that it was him explaining it because, as I said before, I look up to him. He has a huge impact on my life. Saying queer gives me comfort. It feels less... restrictive I guess, for a lack of better words. I don’t know if this will be /the/ label for me, but that’s not the point. There doesn’t have to be a label for me. I, no one, should have to be pressured into finding a label so that other people have something to call you?? Fuck labels. Fuck people who pressure you into picking one. You be you.

So, in conclusion (honestly I feel like this has all been so incoherent I apologize) I don’t want to hide forever. I don’t. I hope that some day I can have even a fraction of the courage that Dan has to tell the people that I care about who I truly am. And the first step is telling someone.

So, to everyone who sees it here, most of which probably know or don’t care,

I’m bisexual, bitch. And I use the word queer.

It took so much fucking courage for dan to post that video and I have crazy amounts of respect for that man. I’ve said it a thousand times already, but I’m going to say it again. I’m so. Fucking. Proud of him. And I know he’s probably going to get thousands of stories like this one (if he hasn’t gotten that many already) but I’m going to tag him anyway. @danielhowell , you’ve changed my life. You’ve changed millions of people’s of lives for the better. Thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve done.

Tldr; dnp mean everything to me, even though I’ve grown away from them, they have been and always be a big part of who I am and i am so fucking proud of Dan.

[nurseydexunsolved]

My first ever nurseydex fic! Please go on ao3 and leave comments and reblog & all that jazz, I’ll love you forever. Also! If you have a prompt you desperately want someone to fill, just send it my way! Okay enjoy :)

//

William Poindexter was wheeling someone, but for the life of them, no one in the haus could get him to confess who.

Nursey noticed it first, entirely on accident. Dex had walked into the kitchen, shoulders at least two inches lower than they usually were, expression calm, and when Nursey knocked over his water, Dex just laughed and said, "Don't worry, I'll clean it up."

Nursey stared at him, shocked. The shock had to be the reason he said something as stupid as what he said next: "Whoa, bro, who took the stick out of your ass? You're acting... weird."

Unfortunately for Dex, Ransom, Holster, AND Shitty were all in the kitchen (preparing for the kegster that night) when Nursey said this, and the way they all immediately stopped their conversation and zeroed in on him was truly frightening. Dex barely had time to give Nurse the stink eye before he was being devoured by their well-meaning but invasive friends. Nursey wanted to join in on the chirping, but he realized he was feeling a little bit sick to his stomach, so he escaped upstairs.

Despite this, or maybe because of it, Nursey was the first person Dex told.

A couple days later he still hadn't cracked, to the endless irritation of Ransom's spreadsheets. They were hanging out in the library with Chow, but when Chris went to the snack shack downstairs, Dex tapped Nursey's foot with his.

"Hey," he said, which made Nurse's heart start thumping a little bit harder, because what could he possibly have to say that Chowder couldn't hear? And Dex's expression didn't help. He looked... nervous. And a bit vulnerable, like he was made of glass, which of course was never a good combination with Derek's clumsy ass.

"Yeah?" he said, trying to be delicate.

"I kind of have a question."

"What's it about?"

"Well, it's about... poetry," he said, looking anywhere but Nursey's eyes."Poetry? Bro, have you been holding out on me?? Do you need me to critique your couplets? I'll do it, I promise, there is nothing I want more than to read poetry written by Mr. Grumpy—"

"Shut up," Dex laughed, the tension eased a little bit. "No, it's not my poetry. It was written... well. It's kind of, um, about me. And I want you to tell me if it's good."

Nursey's heart plunged into a cold lake. "Oh, for real? Well, I mean, there isn't really such a thing as bad poetry, you know. I'm not elitist about that sort of thing." The look on Dex's face told him that was the wrong answer. "But, I mean, I'll take a look. Do you have it with you?"

Dex wordlessly handed it over, and Derek read.

 "I've never been very religious I believe in entropy and science, experiments and evidence, gravity and stars But then I look and I swear, there is something in the glow of your golden eyes and well that is an unexplained phenomena if I've ever seen one And perhaps you were always meant to disprove my hypothesis Because I swear I found Virgo in the constellations on your collarbones And there must be a gravity around you because I feel it like a tug on my sternum when you leave And if there is a God, he must be a sadist Because I am sure he made you and thought, "Here is a smile they will start wars for.""

 There was a lot going through Derek Nurse's head.

First, his English major brain started critiquing it: too short, not a very smooth flow, some odd sentence structures.

Then he thought, God, who could describe Dex in cliches. Gravity? Constellations? I would have said—

Then he stopped himself. And started to panic. And realized this person was really in love with Dex, because duh. They weren't wrong about the smile.

He glanced down and saw he'd been gripping the page tight enough to crinkle, and smoothed it onto the table.

"So?" Dex said, searching Nursey's face almost desperately. "Is it good? Do—do you like it?"

Nurse almost laughed at that. Was it good? Yeah, maybe. Did he like it?

Fuck no.

He focused on the first question.

"Um, well, I really liked the way she tied the subject to her questioning religion and science, almost making him a messiah-like figure, and the continuity of that metaphor—"

"Nurse. This isn't workshop. I asked you if you liked it."

Derek tried to imagine that he'd been presented this piece in workshop, and not by his d-partner, who was currently giving him the most unbearably eager expression. Nursey couldn't imagine why his opinion mattered to Dex, but he glared down at the paper and said, "Yeah, overall, I liked it."

Dex stared at him for another really long moment, and Nursey didn't know what to do with his hands, and then Dex grabbed the paper and shuffled it around.

"So. I mean, not to pry, but obviously—"

"His name's Evan," Dex said. "I met him at that Sunday kegster, the day party. He told me he wanted me to 'look' at his poem, but it's obviously about me, and I don't know. He's really nice and cute and it's just." Dex sighed, avoiding Nurse's eyes. "It's nice to know someone looks at me like that. That someone could, in any fucking universe, describe my eyes as 'unexplainable phenomena.' But I didn't know if it was just bullshit or what, so I wanted to show it to—to you."

Dex finally looked him in the eye again, and—oh. Nursey had been so fucking stupid, he was so mad he hadn't thought of writing poetry about Dex's eyes first. They were so raw, so expressive. He was a tad dumbstuck, until he managed to sputter out, "Well, do you—do you like him too?"

"I think I could," he said, like it was a confession. He looked away, toward the window, and Nursey really wished he was a photographer in that moment, so he could capture that look. "I really think I could."

//

In the end, Evan gave himself away.

Dex and Nursey were sitting alone at the kitchen table, with Bitty humming happily at the counter, when Derek saw it.

Before he could help himself, he whispered to his phone, "Oh, you know not what you do."

This earned him a very confused look from Dex. He simply handed over his phone, watching Dex's eyes bug out, as he raced to unlock his own phone and delete the incriminating evidence.

It was too late. They heard the loud, "Dude!" followed by Holster's booming "DUDE!!!" before Dex had even pulled up instagram. Ransom was on insta almost as much as Bitty was on twitter.

Dex's fate was sealed.

"Ummmmm DEX?" came Holster's voice down the stairs before he thundered into the kitchen. "Who is this HOTTIE commenting WINKY FACE EMOJIS on your selfies??"

"It's not a selfie—"

"Actually Holtz, I believe the comment in question was, 'looking good dex,' then the winky face emoji."

"Oh, of course, how could I be so foolish."

"Did y'all already send the screenshot to the gc?" Bitty asked, looking down at his continuously vibrating phone. "Oh, give Dex a break, will ya?"

"Yeah, I would love to, Bitty," Rans said, grinning at his phone with what could only be called malicious glee, "but it turns out Dex's new boo-thang has been posting delightful candids of our boy here along with captions written in—wait for it—free verse poetry."

"How the fuck did you find--? He's on private!" Dex objected, the confusion momentarily distracting him from hiding his very red face.

"Dude, this kid can write," Holster said. "Are you sure he's not only dating you for an excuse to write autumnal prose?"

"YES!" Rans yelled. "The poetry drew her in! Lardo joined the flaming!"

"GOD," Dex groaned, muffled into his sleeves since he was facedown on the table. "LET ME DIE HERE.”

"Now, of course we all support you and your sexuality, but in the interest of equal opportunity chirping—"

"SHUT UP HOLSTER!"

//

The real problem began when Nursey went to his poetry writing seminar on Wednesday, because now he knew what Evan looked like. He’d put a face to the poem, and discovered the proof confirming Evan’s sadist theory that God was personally TiVo-ing Derek’s Actual Life and laughing his ass off, because Evan?

Evan was in Derek’s poetry writing seminar.

Even better, when the prof counted them off into groups for mini-workshop sessions, Evan was in his group.

Guess which poem he brought to workshop?

Derek would have been the first to admit that he maybe didn’t handle the situation as maturely as possible. He had a reputation in their class of being opinionated, but even he knew as the words were coming out of his mouth that he was going overboard. He talked about this metaphor not hitting just right, that line maybe wasn’t totally accurate? (After all, he did know who the poem was about. He could judge accuracy.) By the end of class, he had practically rewritten the whole thing for him, but to his credit, Evan took the whole thing like a champ, taking notes on everything Derek said.

“By the way, are you married to the whole second-person thing?” Derek said, hating the words even as they came out of his own mouth.

“Um, well, I kind of conceptualized it as a literal love letter. Like, I wanted to evoke the feeling in the reader of like, the person who I love is pouring out their soul to me in an ode, and all that’s missing is some cursive and a postage stamp in the corner,” he said.

“That’s a really cool idea,” Derek gritted out, mostly because he meant it. “Is that why it’s so vague?” he asked, because maybe there was hope. Maybe he really just wanted Dex to read his poem.

“What?” Evan replied, looking surprised.

“Well, I mean, you don’t have any particular details in it: this could be about anyone. Did you do that intentionally so the reader could envision it being addressed to them?” And, honestly. His prying was getting a little pathetically obvious now.

“Oh. Um, I guess you’re right, but that wasn’t intentional. Actually, it is about a really specific person. Ha, guess it’s just the closeted queer kid in me, avoiding any obvious markers of gender or whatever. You’re totally right, I’ll work on that.”

Derek sunk back into his seat, real guilt settling on his chest as their groupmates sent Evan sympathetic looks.

It would have been much easier to hate Evan if Derek didn’t like him so much.

//

He didn’t mean to write the poem.

Honest. It just spilled out of his fingers, typed into a shame-note on his phone, not even titled.

Well, until the third draft. Then he titled the note, “Freckles.” And then he had to transfer it to google docs, where all his poetry went, just to be safe.

And somehow, some way, Derek ended up in the library printing out 20 copies for his entire workshop to read.

It wasn’t that he hated himself; nor even that he was convinced that it was that great of a poem. The whole “having feelings for Dex” thing was too confusing and intense and new for him to be able to be objective at all. It was just, he’d procrastinated the hell out of the assignment, since he'd had two essays due the same week and thought, “It’s a poetry prompt. I have notebooks stuffed with poetry. I’m sure I have something.”

Except, then it was the night before Wednesday, and he realized he didn’t have anything that fit the prompt.

Well. Except one poem.

Which was how he printed out and handed his own ode to Dex right into his boyfriend’s fucking arms.

Oh yeah, because that was a thing.

A couple weeks ago, half the team had “accidentally” run into Dex and Evan on a date, where Dex had introduced Evan as his boyfriend and Evan had tried to chat with Nursey about their seminar and Nursey had excused himself to the bathroom, to quiet his shaking hands.

Since then, whenever Dex went to kegsters and the bars and even a house party at one of Rans's Weird Sciencey Friends's place, Evan was with him. Which like. If you didn't know they were together, you probably wouldn't even guess it. Nursey had never seen them kiss, and the most PDA he'd spotted was Dex dragging Evan out of a kegster by his hand. Technically. But the thing was, Dex was so...different when he was with Evan. Evan made him laugh, like belly laugh, all the time. Dex was constantly smiling or laughing or joking whenever Evan was in the room, and Nursey really just could not deal. If he'd thought he had it bad before, that was literally a joke compared to the sight of Dex animatedly telling a funny story, swinging his arms everywhere, barely able to finish for laughing so hard.

The problem was that he wasn't telling the story to Nursey.

All this, maybe, possibly, Nursey could handle. He could move on. If Dex hadn't walked into their room looking extremely distraught less than a week ago.

Well. Extremely distraught on Dex looked like mildly perturbed on most other people but Nursey could read Dex pretty well at this point.

"Dex?" he said, "Are you alright?"

He expected a brush-off, like every other time Nursey inquired after his emotional state. What he got was, "I don't know."

Nurse swiveled away from his laptop, full attention to Dex. "What's up?"

Dex gave a frustrated huff. "It's just...ugh. It's gonna sound shitty."

Nursey raised an unimpressed eyebrow.

Dex huffed again. "Okay. But I might not say it right. Um, so Evan has some... mental health issues. Which is fine! That isn't the problem. I like all of who he is, not just... ugh. The problem is... I don't think he's really... dealing with it?"

Nursey kept his face impassive. Dex knew about Nursey's mental health struggles as well, and yet he chose to come to him for this. He would withhold judgement until Dex said what he had to say.

"Like he... he makes me happy, and he makes me laugh, and he makes me feel good about myself. But he puts himself down all the time. And I don't think he's fishing for compliments or reassurance or anything, but it feels like, if I don't reassure him every time, I'm just feeding into it and reaffirming those thoughts and making everything worse. And that's like, a lot of pressure? And he has some really concerning symptoms. Like, he'll just casually drop that he had a panic attack in class or that he dissociated for hours this morning and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help. I can't, I am so not qualified for that. So I'll be like, 'maybe you should see a therapist or get a diagnosis or like...talk to someone'? And he'll just be like 'I probably should' and then do nothing. And I try to tell him nothing will change or get better if he doesn't do anything, and I'm just starting to feel like if I don't make his mental health a priority then no one will, and because I care about him, I want to see him, I don't know, be okay. But that means taking it all on, and I just, I don't, I've been monologuing about this for long enough and please help."

Nursey nodded, face still carefully composed. He'd been in a similar situation with a cousin, and told Dex he was on the right track and had to take care of himself first, and to talk to Evan about it first, and if after that he couldn't prove he was making an effort to improve his health then Dex should end the relationship. All in all, Nurse was quite proud with his maturity in handling the situation, and could sleep well knowing he gave Dex the advice he would give anyone.

Except.

Knowing this was so detrimental to Nursey's dumbass feelings-for-Dex heart balloon, which expanded with shallow, selfish hope with the knowledge that Dex wasn't totally happy and that Evan had, like, at least one flaw.

It was the stupid balloon that had made him write the poem in the first place. He just had to let some of the air out before it popped. How could he have known it would end up like this?

He reread the poem nervously while class was winding down, tuning out the prof's droning about atmosphere.

 i bet you heard that your freckles were constellations, stars scattered across shoulders but i have never heard something so wrong stars are dead things, explosions of heat and gas, and what we see are the remnants of light, hanging on only to the echo but your skin is a living masterpiece a splattered miracle of pigment and sundrops and pointilism you might be the water droplets that bead up on the car ride home, as i watch two drops race each other to avoid looking at your hair or your eyes or your freckled fists on the wheel, because i know if i look i will do something stupid like fall in love— but it's too late. i didn't see it coming because i always thought it would be gradual, but all it takes is for me to see the fireworks of freckles on your sternum, permanently burned onto your skin like the imprint of the sun on the back of my eyes and it explodes in my chest, this thing that i let happen so no, dear, you are not like the constellations so fickle, disappearing every morning, hiding behind the clouds your freckles are like freckles because i have tried and tried, but i cannot for the life of me think of a more beautiful word

 An elbow in his side jolted him back to class. It was Evan's.

"Can't wait to read your poem!" he said.

"Haha, thanks," he said.

Haha, fuck, he thought.

//

"Nurse. I read your poem."

Nursey's eyes tracked slowly up from his reading to the puppy-dog eyed boy in front of him. Evan. Shit.

"I can explain," he said.

Evan slid into the booth next to him at Annie's. "I need your advice."

Nursey repeated Evan's word in his brain once, and then twice, and then a third time, really breaking down each word, and he was still confused. "What?"

"With Dex. I have eyes. You obviously really care about him. Like, you're in love with him, I mean. And maybe that makes me stupid for asking you, but I don't really have anyone else I know who'll hear what I have to say and have Dex's best interests at heart, and so I'm trusting you to be honest with me, because I don't really think I'm capable of being honest with myself right now."

"I'm sorry, are you asking me for relationship advice?" The words left his own mouth but they still didn't make sense.

"Kind of. It's just. Has Dex told you anything about me?"

He knew what Evan was asking. "He told me you had some mental health issues, yeah. And that it's been... well. A support system can't be one person."

Evan nodded, like this was what he had been wanting to hear, which only succeeded in confusing Nursey more.

"Yes. Exactly. So. I wanted to ask someone who actually knew Dex about it, because I don't think he's being honest with me. I mean, I think he's trying to hide his feelings because he's afraid it will like, break me, or make me feel worse, or whatever. I guess my question is... am I hurting him?"

And, fuck. All of Nursey's irrational dislike of Evan flew out the window when he heard that soft little question, Evan's voice almost too raw to bear.

Which was why Nursey knew he was being honest when he whispered, "Yes." He rushed on to amend, "Well, it's not actually your mental illness, whatever that is, Dex never specified. It's that Dex feels like the responsibility for your mental well-being is entirely on his shoulders, which is not healthy for anyone to feel, ever. He really cares about you, Evan. But from what I gather, you're putting a lot of weight on him. You need to have someone else besides Dex: your family, other friends, maybe a therapist. Okay, no, as someone with bipolar, you actually should definitely have a therapist. But it's gonna take a while, dude. And until then... yeah. You are hurting him."

The fucking look in his eyes, man. "I need him," he said.

"I know," Nursey replied. "Which is probably why you have to let him go."

Evan sighed, a release of understanding, of learning something you already knew. "Thank you. I just needed someone to say it out loud to me." He looked down at his hands, picking the skin off the side of the nail. "Um. Do you know how... where would I find a good therapist? Do you think?"

//

Things after that were harder. But also better.

Dex was devastated, he was. But Nursey could also see the relief in the set of his shoulders. That Evan would be okay, or he was on his way to being okay, and it wasn't Dex's job to fix him. Or anyone's job but Evan's, honestly. Nursey had almost forgotten the whole ode to Dex thing.

Almost.

Until Dex burst into their room, paper in hand, yelling, "Hey, Nurse? What the fuck is this?"

Nursey froze at his desk. He didn't have to look. He could feel the words on the paper in the room with them, haunting him. Why did he have to be so melo-fucking-dramatic all the time?

"What's what?" he said instead of all that, swiveling around calmly, thinking maybe if he acted chill his blood pressure would be fooled and decrease.

(Or maybe it would increase just enough that he could have a heart attack and be in the ER and not this room?)

"Nursey. Please don't insult my intelligence."

He risked a glance up to Dex's face, which didn't look mad or embarrassed or any of the emotions Nursey would immediately associate with an unwanted love confession.

"Look, you were never supposed to see it, okay—"

Dex let out a laugh, one of those laughs when there's some sort of emotion in you and you don't really know where to put it and it just bursts out into a laugh. Nursey thought of volcanoes and pillow fights and popped balloons. His fingers itched for a pencil.

"Oh, so you were just gonna let me be ignorant forever? You were really never gonna tell me this is how you feel?"

"I—" Nursey watched Dex's face, but he really couldn't reconcile Dex's tone with his words with his face. They were all criss-crossed, like Dex's eyelashes when he woke up from a nap.

His hand actually made it all the way to the pen on his desk, screaming to write it all down, before he forced it to return back to his lap just to fiddle with. It wasn't his fault Dex looked so beautiful like this. So alive.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

This was clearly not the right thing, because he saw the irritation settle into Dex's face, like tinder on a campfire, before he closed his eyes, leaning back, and breathing in deep.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come in here picking a fight. I want you to be honest with me. Please."

"I—" Three seconds ago, he'd been composing poetry, prose, metaphors about his feelings. And yet somehow in this moment, he couldn't think of one single thing to say.

"I'm obsessed with you," he blurted. "It's kind of embarrassing, actually. I think about you literally all the time. And I always write what I'm thinking about. So I wrote that."

Dex shook his head, his lips turned up faintly in disbelief, like he was laughing at a joke no one had told yet. "I'm sorry, when did you write this?"

"Um...like... a month ago? I think? Maybe."

Dex's eyes closed, like he was having trouble with the math. Dex was really excellent at math.

"So you're telling me you've liked me about as long as I've been with Evan."

Nursey mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like "maybe."

"What about his poem?"

Nurse blinked. "What about it?"

This time Dex really did laugh. It sounded a bit delirious. "When I showed you his poem! Did you really think I wanted your opinion on his prose?"

Nursey said nothing, but the look on his face probably betrayed that yes, that was what he'd thought.

"For someone who can write such brilliant shit—" he waved the paper around, "—you really are dense sometimes. I was giving you a chance! To say something, to stop me, I don't know. But then you said you liked it, so I thought, 'well, that settles it, he's not into me. Time to move on.' And then I did. And then you have the audacity to write this motherfucking—"

Dex looked like he was edging into full on rant mode, so Derek stood up quickly and interrupted with, "Hey Dex?"

Dex hit the brakes, looking up at Nursey like he very much wanted to finish. "What?"

"Can I kiss you?"

And, man. Dex was so beautiful like this, arms askew in the middle of the point he'd been making, hair mussed, face confused, like his words had stopped but his brain was veering off course. He kind of looked like a mess. Derek's heart swelled.

"Okay," he said.

Derek rushed in, worried if he waited any longer Dex would keep talking.

He didn't.

Dex's hands found Nurse's waist, paper still in hand, gripping at his back and grabbing him, pulling him closer. Nursey framed his hands around Dex's face, dragging him into the kiss. One of his hands gripped at the back of Dex's neck, sliding up over his short hair, like he'd wanted to do for months.

His mouth was so warm, just like the rest of him, but more, somehow. Nursey opened his mouth, sucking on Dex's lip. Dex's hand reflexively squeezed Nursey's waist. Before he could get too cocky about that, Dex caught Nursey's bottom lip in his teeth, scraping slow over it, sending chills down his scalp over his whole body.

"Wait, wait, wait," Dex said, pulling away, kinda, in the sense that his mouth was no longer attached to Nursey's, but he was still pretty entwined all up in Derek. He leaned his head down to catch his breath, his panting blowing over Derek's neck, giving Derek the mental image of Dex kissing him there, which, fuck—

"I was gonna say something," Dex said, eyes still looking kind of scrambled.

"Mm-hmm," Derek hummed, leaning in close again. One of Dex's hands left Nursey's waist and brushed his own lips, and yeah, Nursey knew the feeling. His mouth was literally humming, floating away from the rest of him.

"I can't remember," Dex said, grinning, already leaning back into Derek.

"That's okay," Derek murmured against Dex's pulse, which he could actually feel thrumming rapidly against his lips. "We have time."

And he kissed and kissed and kissed him, until there wasn't a single freckle left untouched.

[justtheendoftheday]

Cat People (1942)

“Moja sestra?”

A Serbian immigrant named Irena fears that any physical intimacy with a man will cause her to turn  into a panther and kill them.

Fright: 1.4/5 Bus Stops

There’s a handful of scenes that are creepy in a suspenseful type of way, but it mostly plays on fears we already have: walking home alone and thinking you’re being followed, fear of someone in a position of power trying to take advantage of you, etc. And at the end of the night, it is a film from the 1940s; those old scares just don’t quite have the same impact these days.

Gore: 1/5 Shredded Robes

There’s a scene where you briefly see a panther at the zoo gnawing on a cut of raw meat, but that’s as bad as it gets. It’s mostly just shadows doing shadowy deeds, spooky growling noises coming from the dark, and the rare dead body (aka a person just laying on the ground and not moving).

Jump Scares: Almost none

There’s pretty much just one jump scare in the whole movie and even that’s pretty tame by today’s standards. However, that jump is rather notable as being perhaps the first true cinematic jump scare.

[a 1/5 on “Where’s the Jump?”]

Review:

The way I see it there are two way to view this movie:

1) As a slow-paced, but very well made bit of 1940s horror.

OR as a well made and slightly offbeat bit of 1940s horror that serves as a fascinating look at the dangers heteronormativity presents to queer people.

If you take option 1 you’ll probably appreciate the craftsmanship, but—like a lot of old black&white horror—some might find the pacing a bit slow and wish there was more action. However, if you take option #2 I think you’ll find it to be a rather intriguing film with real thematic depth.

Thoughts:

I hate to say it, but the 1940’s were not a great decade for spooky movies (even more so when you look at how strong the 30’s were). And yet, unlike its contemporaries, Cat People reaches for new ground and artistry...and actually delivers!

Dare I say it? Best spooky movie of the 1940s?

The first time I saw Cat People I liked it well enough, but it confounded me a little. From the premise I was expecting something a lot more supernatural, but it generally sticks to a sort of psychological suspense. And while it has some fabulous scenes of spooky suspense, some of the character drama fell a bit flat for me. The problem was that Irena is the most interesting character by far (with Alice coming in at #2). The other characters generally aren’t given enough depth to be all that intriguing.

For example Irena’s “romantic” interest (Oliver) is particularly boring. He is just about the whitest dude imaginable: super privileged, cluelessly insensitive to/uninterested in other cultures, has a way of always turning conversations back to himself, always ordering apple pie, etc.. Really, the list could go on. The dude is so milquetoast that he even refers to himself as a “good, plain Americano.” I mean, I can appreciate why Irena doesn’t want to kiss this dude.

But after rewatching it I’ve gotta admit there’s a lot of interesting stuff going on that I didn’t pick up on on my first watch. On the DVD there was a commentary track from a film historian by the name of Gregory Mark and he brings up an idea that I had missed: that there’s actually a queer angle you can take with the film:

“Now as for that Lesbiana-tinge, well, DeWitt [the film’s writer] told me that he actually intended for the inference. He said Irena’s fears about destroying a lover if she kissed him could be because she was really a lesbian who loathed being kissed by a man.”

And once you open yourself up to a queer reading of the film? I tell you what, it suddenly becomes WAY more interesting! The idea of Irena’s fear of being a “cat person” as a metaphor for her being queer works on a number of levels. The lesbian angle is the most apparent, but as an asexual there’s a lot here that I really related to as well and it wouldn’t be hard to make a case that she is a sex-averse, but potentially (bi)romantically-inclined asexual.

Whatever queer lens you want to use, Irena is conflicted and depressed because she sees herself as broken. Her society and her religion say that who she is is wrong and/or evil, but she can’t seem to change. She frequently mentions that she wishes she could be normal and that she’s ashamed and embarrassed that she isn’t. Her marriage to Oliver can easily be seen as a her attempt to try force herself to be different, because here’s this super-normal, white-bread nice guy who likes her...she’s supposed to be able to return his affections, right? And yet she can’t, so she just fakes it and hopes that things will eventually click. But it doesn’t and nothing she tries seems to work and the potential “cures” of religion and 1940’s psychiatry both try to enforce the idea that her feelings are amoral and wrong.

But obviously she isn’t broken. Her cat-person nature is a natural and primal part of her that she can’t control. The movie uses a panther at the local zoo as an external representation of this aspect. Throughout the movie she mentions that she’s drawn to zoo again and again to see it, feed it, and even harbors a desire to let it out of its cage.

I don’t want to spoil anything, so I won’t go into anything specific, but suffice it to say that this reading has some major bones.

It might be a bit too slow-paced for those looking for a night of thrills and chills, but its low levels of scares and gore do make it a very accessible film to viewers of all different tolerance levels. If you ever find yourself in the mood for something quiet and deep with a supernatural edge and an old-school flare, then look no further.

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Directed by: Jacques Tourneur

Written by: DeWitt Bodeen

Country of Origin: USA

Language: English

Setting: New York City, New York, USA

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Content Warnings: A couple of animals are accidentally killed, sexual harassment, main character struggles with self-image and depression-like symptoms.

After-credits Scene?: None

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“I envy every woman I see on the street.” “They can’t match your little finger.” “I envy them. They’re happy.”