#i might schedule a Covid test but that also means that I will have to ask a parent to drive me and they will think that I am crazy

[agentstarkid]

FOREVER IS THE SWEETEST CON ✦ DR3

✦ summary: While isolating in a hotel room, some things can't be ignored any more and, as stars fade in the dawn's light, some bonds were meant to be broken, like whispers carried away by the desert wind.

✦ pairing: daniel ricciardo x famous!latina!reader

✦ words: 4.3K

✦ warnings: female!reader, latina!reader, established relationship, lots of angst, covid-19 & quarantine mentions, there's a nine-year age gap, forced proximity (if you squint), language.

✦ pit wall live: holis babes! before you all come for me with your pitchforks, I'd like to remind you that english is not my first language so I wanna give a big biiig thank you to Tally (@onceuponaoneshotfanfic) for englishing this baby and for encouraging me to write it when I told her I was thinking about it ❤️ I actually wrote this back in october and I can finally post it!! It is tied to Saudade, if you want more context to their story. This is not the end, okay?... or is it? hehe byeee

─── The Joker & The Queen (Masterlist)

Wednesday, just a day before his scheduled morning session, the symptoms began to show. They knew from the moment he started to complain about his body aching all over. The uncertainty and concern were present from the first moment, intensifying when, as a precaution, he underwent several medical tests to verify whether he suffered from Covid or not. However, the first test came back negative. It was a breath of relief, at least for a moment. But on Friday afternoon the alarms went off, and the Aussie driver's negative became a terrifying positive that further disrupted the false peace that they had tried so hard to preserve in recent weeks.

Practice for the opening race was scheduled for the following Friday, and having to isolate in accordance with local regulations meant that Daniel would go into the new season without having driven the car since last month.

Locked away from the outside world, tension brewed within the confines of a hotel room. This forced proximity only served to accentuate the strains that had long been present. The fraying edges of your relationship were now illuminated under the harsh fluorescent lights, magnified by the claustrophobic confinement of quarantine.

You entered the bedroom and found him lying on the bed, wearing a navy shirt and a pair of sweats, his feet locked at the ankles and his attention focused on his phone.

“How are you feeling?”

“’m fine,” he sighed.

“Do you need anything?” you tried again.

“Nope.”

You went to lay down on your side of the bed. “Heard Lando had problems with the car today.”

“Seems the car is even shittier than last year.” He let out a dry laugh. “But I wouldn’t know because I’m stuck in this fucking hotel room for the rest of the week.”

“Look on the bright side, you’ve got a couple of extra days to relax before the craziness of the season begins.” You gave a half shrug.

“Wouldn’t exactly call this relaxing. But you wouldn’t understand.”

“What does that mean? I know how you’re feeling-”

He shook his head and huffed, dropping his phone on the bed. “No, that’s the thing. You don’t know, sweetheart. How would you know? You didn’t get a fucking positive result and was forced to stay inside these walls, watching how everyone else gets the chance to freely try out their cars before they really have to focus on the season. You’re only stuck here as a precaution. It’s funny, you know…” He snorted. “You’ve been traveling a lot lately. And it’s been fine in the meantime. But as soon as you get here—”

“Are you saying that all of this is my fault?” The tension in the room was palpable as the argument raged on.

He rubbed his forehead as he looked up at the ceiling. He wouldn't even look at you — and somehow that annoyed you even more.

“Oh, I’m sorry for not being considerate enough to also get sick, it’s not like I can actually control that. But that might be my fucking fault, too. I’m too fucking busy being worried about your health. My bad.” You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm your beating heart. You turned back over to face away from him.

You felt so tired and hurt. In the last few days, these walls have felt like a battleground, waiting for you to engage in combat. And all you keep doing is try to stand tall pretending to be the bravest soldier.

It all began with the relentless hate that had been heaped upon you recently. At first, it was fine, it was expected, and you would laugh about the things they were saying. You must have been blinded by the honeymoon phase, as some people call it, but all things must come to an end. Lately, Daniel's devoted fans had turned into a fierce mob, outraged and blaming you for his performance last year, saying it was all the time he's been spending with you instead of focusing on his career. The hateful comments and messages had started to poison the relationship.

You guessed that it was easier when you were the only target. It was bearable to an extent; you could take it. Wasn't the first time it happened, and you supposed it was all part of the “big show”. But once they started targeting him too – things took a 180-degree turn.

Daniel and you had been inseparable for two years, celebrating your anniversary not too long ago. Now, you both lay silently in your hotel room; the once fiery love now reduced to smoldering embers.

He sighed and turned his head in your direction. “Babe, I—”

“It’s okay.” You mumbled squeezing your eyes shut, trying to keep in the tears that threatened to fall. “Goodnight.”

He covered his eyes with his hands; he didn’t mean to snap at you like that. He could hear you taking deep breaths, and something in his chest felt heavy. This need to bicker, to fight with you had been present for a few weeks, but lately had reached an all-time high.

The 2021 Formula 1 season had brought with it a surge of emotions that Daniel hadn't anticipated. As he settled into his new role with McLaren, the pressure to prove he was the more experienced driver in his first year with the team weighed heavily on his shoulders.

Every race was a chance to show the world that he still had what it took to compete at the highest level of motorsport. The expectations were high, and the scrutiny was relentless. Fans, the media, and fellow drivers all wondered if the Honey Badger could return to his former glory.

The season brought a mix of highs and lows. The highlight, undoubtedly, was the victory in Monza. It was a moment that should have been celebrated longer as a triumph for both Daniel and McLaren. However, amidst the jubilation, there was a bitter undercurrent of frustration. It seemed that the team's focus was already shifting to the next race, their first win in 12 years overshadowed by the relentless march of time.

Daniel's frustration grew as he watched the spotlight turn away from Monza's victory. He yearned for the recognition, the culmination of a year of hard work and perseverance. But as the season continued, the pressure only increased. The wins were non-existent, and the losses weighed heavily on him, each one gnawing at his confidence.

The expectations for the coming season were higher than ever. He knew that he had to perform at his best to silence the critics and prove that he still had that competitive edge. The weight of those expectations seemed to hang over him, a constant reminder of the challenges that lay ahead.

Each race weekend would become a test, a chance to prove himself once again. The roar of the engines, the smell of burning rubber, and the pressure of the competition were all part of the Formula 1 world that he loved, but they also added to the mounting stress.

You couldn’t sleep at all.

Sleep evaded you that night. Your mind was racing a mile a minute, trying to figure out how to fix the fractured parts of the relationship. Where did it go wrong? The question replayed over and over again like a broken record.

You stretched your arm to grab your phone from the nightstand and check the time.

2:30 A.M. Just a little bit less than 4 hours until the sun would come out. And 5 more days until you both would be free to leave this room.

You stood up from the bed and went to Daniel’s bedside table to look for the fingertip pulse oximeter. Once you found it, you knelt down and took his hand, careful not to wake him, and placed the oximeter on the tip of his index finger. After a few seconds of waiting for the values to remain constant, you sighed with relief when a big 98 appeared under the oxygen saturation. Thankfully, his symptoms were not of great concern, and he showed constant improvements. But you didn’t want to risk it, so every few hours you made sure to check his vitals just so you could have a little peace of mind. Especially when he was sleeping.

You couldn’t help but look at him for a moment. He looked to be in a profound state of sleep, so calm and so beautiful. His features, usually animated and lively, rested in a serene calm. You observed the rise and fall of his chest, the tranquil expressions that danced across his face, and the gentle harmony of his breathing. In these hushed moments, it was like nothing had changed, where you were still you and he was still the same Daniel that promised you that you were a team.

As you gazed upon him, your heart was a mix of conflicting emotions. On one hand, there was the undeniable warmth and affection that comes from witnessing his vulnerability in slumber. Yet, a touch of sadness lingered, a bittersweet reminder of the unresolved tension from the previous fight. The serenity of his sleep served as a poignant backdrop to your disagreements, and you desperately longed for the chance to mend the rift and return to the peace you once shared.

It didn’t take long for the tears to appear again and you couldn’t help but curse being so sensitive. You stood up; you knew that going back to bed was useless, so you headed out of the room. You ended up curled up on the couch in the dark living room of your hotel room, the soft glow of your phone screen casting a bright light on your tear-streaked face. You debated whether calling one of the girls or just text them in need of letting all this helplessness out. But you didn't want to bother them with your problems, you knew they already had enough with their owns. So, you gave up on the idea.

Your relationship with Daniel had been a whirlwind of love and excitement, a passionate journey that had weathered ups and downs, but always coming out stronger on the other side. Now, you weren’t so sure you would come out of this unscathed.

Was it time to let it go? You couldn’t help but wonder. You weren’t new to this predicament. It happened before with your last relationship. But with Harry, the revelation that it was over came naturally and gently. You both were on the same page and knew it was inevitable. But with Daniel, your heart told you to continue, begged you to keep fighting while your mind was sending out warning signals that you chose to completely ignore.

The bright Bahraini sun shone through the big windows when Daniel, out of habit, rolled over to pull your body closer and instead felt the coldness of the sheets on your side of the bed. He opened his eyes and searched around the room. The bathroom door was open, and the lights were off, so you couldn’t be there. He stood up and left the room, yawning. He found you in the same place you ended up last night, curled up and holding a pillow to your chest.

The dark bags under your eyes were more prominent this morning. He couldn't help but feel a pang of guilt in his chest at the sight of you. He got closer and leaned down to place a tender kiss on your forehead and felt you stir for a moment before slowly opening your eyes. You rubbed your eyes before looking up at him silently.

“Hey.”

“Hi,” you said in a sleepy voice.

“What are you doing here?” he yawned, taking a seat on the couch as you moved back to give him space.

“Couldn’t sleep,” you replied in a muted voice, eyes downcast, fiddling with your fingernails.

And that was the routine after an argument: fight. One of you would try to walk away to calm down (most of the time it was you). Pretend nothing happened and go back to normal – well, whatever normal meant these days. Repeat.

A heavy silence settled between you. He leaned back on the couch, just staring at your face. He knew he should say something. Apologize even. But the words refused to come out. Meanwhile, thoughts swirled in your mind, doubts that had been lingering for a while now. Was it all in your head? Had you been the problem all along?

No.

As the seconds ticked by, the fog began to lift, and with it came a newfound clarity. It wasn't all in your head, and you weren't the sole problem. You had believed for so long it was your responsibility to make things right, to hold everything together. But it had been a shared responsibility, a partnership that had eroded in different ways.

Yes. You had both contributed to this.

You had underestimated the significance of his actions, his choices, and his words. In the process of taking all the blame, you had overlooked how he had let things slip away, how he had failed to communicate, and how he had allowed the distance to grow. You realized that it was a two-way street, and while you had been quick to accept responsibility for your part, it was time for both of you to acknowledge your roles in your shared demise.

Something within you was stirring, a growing realization that you couldn't keep shouldering the blame for everything. It wasn't fair to you, nor was it the path to a healthy and equal relationship.

"I can't do this anymore, Daniel," you murmured, your eyes brimming with sadness.

"No, no no— no we're not doing this—"

“Amor, please,” you pleaded in a whisper. Tears welled up in your eyes, but your resolve held firm. “We've been arguing about everything lately. All of this is hurting us. Your fans—”

Daniel's heart ached, but he lashed out in defense. “You know it's not that simple! I can't control what my fans say—”

Your irritation boiled over. "But you can defend me, Daniel! You can stand up for us!”

Frustration welled up in Daniel, his voice growing sharper. "I'm trying to protect what's left of my career, YN! Last season was awful for me, apart from one win, which was insignificant, apparently. I've got my own fucking problems!” He stood up forcefully and started to pace around the room.

Your anger flared and big angry tears streamed down your face. “You think it's only your career that's on the line? What about us? We're supposed to be a team, supporting each other. ‘Us against everything else’, remember? But you're making it all about you!” you screamed at him, standing up from where you were previously sitting.

He suddenly stopped in front of you. “You're too young and naive to understand the pressure I'm under. It's not just about us. It's about my career, it’s about my life! And that’s very rich coming from you,” he scoffed. “What about your fans, huh? The hate I'm getting from them and other people, it's taking a fucking toll!” he hissed. You stared at him, feeling shocked by his words. He kept going. “And let’s not forget how fucking clingy you’ve been. You suffocate me sometimes. Must be nice to have a job where you can just drop everything anytime you want and take paid vacations to follow me around.”

His words left you feeling as though the ground had been yanked from beneath your feet.

You're too young and naive. How fucking clingy you’ve been — You suffocate me sometimes. His words echoed incessantly in your mind like a stuck playback.

When did the insecurities shared transform into arrows, aimed at your most profound wounds?

You snapped, “You knew what you were getting into when we started dating. And I warned you. I gave you an out so many times, but you decided to stay.” A bitter laugh left your mouth. “You said I was the greatest risk you’ve ever taken and the greatest reward—”

“And I did think that, YN,” he uttered. “We lived inside a bubble for so long, but reality is different. Maybe we rushed into this too soon.”

“Come on, bury my heart deeper, Danielito. If that's what you're trying to do— it's working,” you said with a pained smile, eyes only focused on him.

The room seemed to grow colder, and your voices decreased in volume. But the damage had been done. Daniel realized the pain his words had caused, but his own frustration clouded his judgment. “This wouldn’t even be a problem, if you wouldn’t make one out of it,” he muttered bitterly.

“Please, don’t make this worse than it already is,” you agonized; your voice was shaky. Invisible claws of grief and anguish were tearing at the muscles and tendons in your chest. You never knew that emotions could possess such tangible, physical presence.

“If only we had met on different grounds. Then maybe things would have been different, we would be different.”

You couldn't help but add more fuel to the fire. You lacked the capacity for a graceful exit, and if you were aflame, you'd ensure that he, too, would turn to ashes. “Do you mean what if I was different?” A new wave of anger swept over you.

That question caught him off guard, forcing Daniel to pause and stare at you, honest surprise and confusion coloring his face. “What?”

Your voice trembled with a mix of frustration and hurt as you confronted him. “Heidi's constant presence in the paddock these past few months, the way you've been talking to her, and how people are speculating about you two... It's causing me to doubt myself and my place in your life.”

Daniel's brows furrowed, and his voice carried irritation. “YN, this is ridiculous. Heidi is just a friend. We've been through this countless times.”

You inched forward as you tried to make him understand. “I know she's your friend, but the way you've been spending time with her lately... it's different. I can't shake off the feeling that there might be something more.”

Daniel rolled his eyes, his frustration mounting. “You're being crazy, YN. We're just friends, and it's unfair of you to accuse me, and especially her, like this.” In a further defensive move, he shot back, “You're the one who had those cheating rumors circulating, not me. You should know how destructive and unfounded these accusations can be. And now, you're doing the same thing with Heidi?”

It felt like a hard punch to your gut, you took in a sharp breath, “So, you're bringing this up again? We already cleared the air about those false accusations when they hit us. I would never dare cheat on you!” Your frustration was palpable.

“And why is it so fucking hard to believe I wouldn’t either?” Suddenly, you could clearly see how sadness clouded his features.

The room seemed to close in around you both. Then, all of a sudden, you realized that healing from this and moving forward required a level of understanding and compassion that seemed beyond reach in the heat of this argument.

In that moment, you knew for certain that it was over. The love you had once celebrated, the memories you had shared, now felt like distant echoes of a happier time.

How did you both allow things to spiral into such chaos? This living room had transformed into a battleground, where words cut like knives. Where were the Daniel and YN who were deeply in love? The ones who, for the first time, felt safe to be vulnerable and discuss a future they had envisioned together; one with a couple of tiny little feet running around the farm in a couple of years and joking about how wild a perfect mix of Australian and Latino genes would be. Now, you stood face to face, unrecognizable, refusing to show any sign of surrender.

It wasn’t supposed to end like this.

It wasn’t supposed to end at all.

The silence in the room was suffocating. All the energy and adrenaline left your body at once. You felt emotionally drained, as though a storm had swept through your heart and left it battered and exhausted.

You took a sit back on the couch and ran your hands across your face, squeezing your eyes shut. “We can't go on like this.”

So, this is it, Daniel thought. Dread twisted in his gut; he felt like he might throw up. His shoulders slumped and he raked his fingers through his hair as he took a seat next to you. The vulnerability in your words cut him deeply, but he understood the gravity of the situation. "You're right," he admitted, his voice choked with emotion. “We tried, didn’t we? We gave it our best shot” a sad smile adorned his tired face. “For what it’s worth, I really am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.” he murmured as tears shone in his eyes.

“I'm sorry, too. I wanted to make it work. I always just wanted to be the one.” Your heart seemed to shatter into even smaller fragments. As you wiped away a single tear that trickled down your cheek, the physical act of brushing it away only served to accentuate the profound pain that had settled within your chest. It felt as though each tear carried with it a piece of your shattered dreams and the love that was now slipping through your fingers like grains of sand. In that fleeting moment, your heartache intensified, and you realized that this breakup was leaving you more broken than you had ever thought possible.

As the final words echoed in the room, you, your tears spent, turned and walked out into the bedroom, leaving Daniel alone with the weight of what had just transpired.

As soon as you left the room, you locked yourself in the bathroom and texted Blake. You asked him if there was any chance, he could talk to the hotel so you could get another room for the remaining time you had to be in quarantine. The request took him by complete surprise, and you explained shortly that Daniel and you had just broken up.

He assured you he was going to do everything in his power to get you a new room. You were sure that as soon as you hung up the phone, he was already texting Daniel asking for a better explanation.

As you sat on the bathroom floor, the pain was all-encompassing, a relentless throb deep within your chest that left you gasping for air. It felt as though a gaping void had taken up residence in your heart, and you weren’t sure how to fill it.

Tears flowed freely down your cheeks. Numbness had started to settle in. A surreal feeling that this couldn't be real, that you would wake up from this nightmare at any moment. You wished that a switch would flip and make it all go away, but the pain persisted.

Bitterness and anger boiled within you. You felt wronged by the universe, by the cruel twist of fate that had torn you both apart. You resented the public scrutiny, the relentless judgment from fans and strangers alike, and the demands of your high-profile careers.

You felt unbearably alone. You longed for Daniel’s presence, for the familiar comfort of his arms, but he was no longer yours to hold. Your heart ached for the man you thought, for a short period, you would spend the rest of your life with, even though you knew that was no longer possible. The pain of heartbreak was, for you, an agonizing and inescapable reality, and you had yet to discover how to heal and move forward.

Turns out Blake went beyond of what you initially asked for. He arranged for you to take the PCR test again to confirm that you had not contracted the virus while sharing a room with Daniel.

After two slow and torturous days, where you spent your time curled up on the couch and Daniel spent his in the bedroom — a decision you made, he was the sick one after all. After two consecutive negative results, you were given the green light to leave. You had already packed your things after your call with Blake a few days ago, hoping you could change rooms. He had asked you if you needed anything else, saying he was willing to facilitate everything for you. He saw you as a fundamental part of this little dysfunctional family and had developed a deep affection for you. You couldn’t thank him enough.

Soon you had a plane waiting to take you back to L.A., to a house, not a home, all alone. You were leaving behind what you've come to realize was your home in the last two years.

You awkwardly said goodbye to Daniel. Your voice sounded tired, while he shifted on his feet on the threshold of the bedroom door. Curls wild, beard a bit longer than the past days and the bags under his eyes looked even more prominent. Despite the visible signs of weariness on both of you, you still couldn't draw any solace from the shared pain.

You knew you had to find your own path, to heal from these wounds, and to rediscover who you were outside of the relationship. As the plane took off, you made a silent promise to yourself to emerge from this ordeal stronger, wiser, and ready to face the world, no matter how unforgiving it might be.

[accio-victuuri]

fandom stories that have been on my mind recently…. 📑

as what the title says, cpn things that have been living in my head rent-free for the past days/ weeks. i just need a place to write them down and let them shine on their own ✨

same disclaimer applies. for cpn-loving turtles only. please don’t ask me to elaborate cause as i said, i have very minimal information on hand.

☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆

• The one thing that inspired me to make this post, a bit about WYB’s side account. It’s not a secret that he has one, probably even multiples but for some reason this one got leaked. especially back in 2019 when his phone number got leaked and some people allegedly verified that this same number was used to register the account. they noticed it followed a couple of motorcycle related accounts, bobo’s true love at the time lol and well the most juicy thing here is that he was visiting the bjyx supertopic.

Then by the end of 2019, it gained followers. WYB might have noticed that he was somehow discovered so the account cleared all it’s watch list and never moved again. Everything is gone. That freakin moon profile picture does not help at all cause we all know his fondness for it and how it’s one of the fandom’s symbolism. The way it was created on 3/14 is also very sus.

We have all CPN’d that he visited the ST and why not tbh. Even if you don’t believe in BJYX, i think you can say that he has visited it and at the very least knows of it’s existence. I wonder what he saw tho. LOL. I would love to get more information on this account’s watch list and it’s just so funny to have some confirmation about one of his side accounts.

no i’m lying, there is another alleged side account from 2018. A weifen gave the tip ( allegedly lol i’m gonna use this word a lot ). It is also cleared but people did capture that he kept an eye out on XZ and XZS, and also liked a motorcycle video that was not really popular. So maybe someone who knows about the moto world would recognize. I just noticed the times both accounts were created. I don’t think WYB has the time to maintain his side accounts anymore with how busy he is but i imagine this gremlin having all the accounts and just looking at everything out there.

maybe i can make a post about all his alleged side accounts one day. 😂😂😂😂

• I have always loved personal stories from turtles and while I am wary of some, there are ones that particularly make me soft. this one for example:

My uncle is the kind of staff who works with the crew, he is ten years into the circle. I usually ask him about gossip in the circle. This year (2019 ) I carefully asked Bojun Yixiao if it was real. Uncle said he didn't know them that well, but he knew that the relationship between the two is very good. It is said that WYB & XZ are modest and polite. They have no personality problem and have always been real and not fancy.

He also said (emphasis!) he will help me get Xiao Zhan’s autographed photo in October. The time was right to take advantage of the work appointment, and after the end of XZ’s work, he signed one, my uncle said that “my niece likes you two very much”. Xiao Zhan raised his head in a daze, and said, “huh” My Uncle was about to explain, Xiao Zhan laughed a bit and said, "Is it Wang Yibo?" Uncle also laughed.

What gets me in this is how XZ is confused then it immediately clicks for him — is it WYB? ☺️ I mean, granted that 2019 was such a big year for them as a pair and who could someone be referring to when talking about “you two..” This exchange ( true or not ) lives in my head rent free. and the fact that people in the industry have nothing to say but good things about them really says a lot.

• The COVID test schedules that were leaked actually showed it was the same date and time. down to the second 02:23:38. I know this is bad, people shouldn’t actively seek out things like this but my brain won’t let this piece of information go. 💀💀💀

• WYB’s “Changsha” residence when he was still actively working in TTXS was provided by Hunan TV network. It’s not his, it is located very close to the station to make it easier for him. Other staff also stayed in that same area. The candy is, XZ allegedly sends things to that address.

• This video and fake rumor that is going around recently. People are speculating that WYB’s reaction in this routine was because of something that happened and that the dancers are actually teasing him. The rumor is XZ visited the set of SDC and he was just lounging, WYB was there and was about to kiss him but some dancers saw them, and our boys ended up being embarrassed.

you can definitely give a more plausible explanation of why he reacted like this but that’s not the point of this whole post. it’s the cpn that could be connected to it. and i mean if had someone like XZ, the love of my life just lounging, looking all gorgeous — how can you blame WYB for wanting to kiss him 🥺

• I’m not really a kadian enthusiast like all the other BXGs but the recent 232323 timing is making me 👀. Yes we know you Love Zhan.

Time is 14:30, but it can be 2:30 so it keeps up with the 23. I think the reason why i’m drawn to this CPN is it was posted a day after the whole yibo relationship rumor. If you look at YBO’s page, after the post saying the rumor is fake, the next one is this. So it’s like saying, those rumors are false and I only love XZ. 23. 🤍

• the emoji similarities between xzs and ybo used in their douyin posts. not only that, it’s a match for ones during OOL ( Gu Wei ) and BAH ( Chen Wei ). I mean, do they ship them too?

• I don’t really believe in 🍉 unless they are about upcoming product endorsements cause I think those can be leaked by the brands themselves. but during HB’s initial run, there was one with 2m followers who shared that XZ bought multiple screening slots for the movie.

The melon didn’t say he bought it because of WYB, it only mentioned WYB because let’s face it— his name is associated with it and he is actively promoting. What’s so entertaining to me and makes me grin when i think of it are the people’s comments. HAHAHAHAHA! They know what is being implied. You all know deep down there is some truth it but you refuse and say all kinds of things.

- END.

[muffinrag]

what's up everybody. who wants to hear about my fucking situation

i live with a lesbian couple, they own a house and I stay in one of their spare rooms. They've been together for like. twenty years. I met them on overwatch about 8 years ago. just to be clear, my relationship with both of them is completely platonic.

well, about... four days ago? time is a soup. One of them, H, "went out for weed" and didnt come back. complete communication shut down. this woman literally pulled the "my dad went out for cigarettes and never came back" stunt, except her children are cats. whatever. anyway

day one, she sends a single text - to ME. not to her fucking goddamn wife. she texts ME. I think mainly because I kinda texted her and scolded her for being "childish and straight up fucking mean." but all she said was "I'm safe"

which, great, okay, thanks.

so her wife, my other roommate, S, was having an absolute mental break because her wife just left with absolutely zero warning or explanation and won't talk to her. Now me, I'm a simple bitch with a lot of emotional repression. I'm doing my best but oh my god.

day two there's still nothing. S was trying to contact H's friends and figure out what in the shitting hell just happened. we basically sat on the couch and watched TV all day.

Day three S finally starts getting information from H's best friend - apparently H thinks she has bipolar disorder and also that she might be a system. Also that she's extremely manic and staying with an old "friend" who is like, hugely toxic and manipulative. (This friend nearly caused H and S to break up a few years ago.) Also turns out she's cheating on S with this friend and has also been cheating online for years. Also that she plans to stay with this friend "indefinitely."

so. Jesus fucking Christ.

S and I went to her bank and got her a new bank account because H started spending money from the shared account, which was S's only account. After that another friend came over to help keep her company and we watched a lot more TV.

end of day three the stress got to me and I came down with some nasty fucking cold. (it's not COVID, I tested.) So I've been hiding in my bedroom for two days. The same friend was over to keep S company yesterday, thank god for him.

and on top of that, my new job has scheduled me for exactly 3 shifts during the next two months.

so. fuck

[wumblr]

alright. i got the new covid vaccine (my insurance actually refused to cover it last week but this time they didn't ask for insurance information. possibly because it was saved from my previous attempt. shrug? i might have gone a day earlier than my insurance was ready to process billing), flu vaccine scheduled, tetanus booster has uh been on my to do list for years but i swear i'm getting around to it i am. i should probably also check my vaccination records because i know there's at least one that did not exist during my childhood vaccinations. i went to see a doctor about a twisted ankle and it's probably nothing serious. i have a dentist appointment and a gluten blood test this week. and when my foot heals i'm buying 20lb dumbbells. and you know what? i still haven't seen $700 worth of doctors yet, which is the amount i'm paying for insurance this year. maybe i should twist my other ankle. can you put dumbbells on an HSA card i mean they are in some sense for my health right. can i put 1.8.7. quality rolls cd and mesh shirts on my HSA card? because i'm health goth?

[seeminglyseph]

I feel really bad because relatives visited and I was so tired I just like. slept through the whole thing. and I'm worried that I'm gonna catch hell for being rude, or just. like. I feel like I missed a chance for human interaction. but I just... have been really tired lately. body sore. exhausted. also just like. I think my sinuses are inflamed or something because just. everything feels so fuckin' like. swollen. I feel like migraine-tastic and have not been able to get out of bed.

and like. I am not sure the balance that needs to be set 'cause they all had to be doin' renovations in the room next to mine, and like. ultimately, hopefully, I will be the one benefiting from it. and like. yay. but also. loud banging and dust and stuff as a result of renovating that room, so boo. and like. I don't know how to like. sort myself or organize my sleep schedule to be convenient so it's like. I'm trying but also like... if I get high stress and need personal space and time alone it feels like I just end up adapting to nocturnal as a coping mechanism. like the more I am overwhelmed by being awake the more I shift so being awake is at night? and it's like inconvenient to other people and I want to try and adapt it to work at a timeline that's like... normal and decent for the people who have ended up working around me, but like. instead it's like... "I'm gonna scream and throw up and tear all my hair out"

which like. not conducive to an environment where I can like. handle this. the migraines and the intense heart rate is like. absolutely thrashing my ability to function and like. I fully do not know what to do. And it feels so... like. A me problem, that's like. so hard to describe. that like... I don't know if I'm just being crazy. and I know I do feel crazy because of other things, so like it doesn't help... and I'm wondering if I caught a mind case of covid and couldn't tell it from a cold or flu and now I have long covid and if there's any way to tell if that's the case since I also have had the vaccine so I'll have the antibodies anyway. or maybe I had a really nasty reaction to the vaccine, I mean it's a net good to have a vaccine but not everyone is gonna have a positive reaction and I've always been really sensitive to medication. There's been some ties to IIH and the Johnson&Johnson vaccine, I got the pfizer but I saw somewhere there was a controversy with the pfizer too. I'm obviously not anti-vax in any way, I think they're a net good. I'm just like... always going to be in some way cautiously aware of the fact that the medical industry is fallible and an industry? Like I've gotten the vaccine and boosters, but as a human being I'm allowed to be like.. "I've had a lot of health issues since then, I wonder if there's a connection or if they are unrelated. I wonder if there's a way to test if they are related and if there's a way to do that without undermining the whole industry and just going 'I am a person with health issues that might make the vaccine behave differently within my body'" you know? like not. 'vaccine bad' but like 'my body is not a typical healthy body, my autoimmune issue might cause the vaccine to react differently' so my questions are not laid at the validity of vaccines as a concept but at like... 'could there have been complications due to the medications and compromised system already housed within my body' you know?

It's such a thorny issue because like. any question that seems to be against the vaccine is like... seemingly irrational anti-vax, but like... I'm just wondering if I happen to have like. A fucked up weird body that happened to have a toxic response in some way? it has nothing to do with like... Is the vaccine bad, but like... was it bad for me, I guess. And even then it's like. kinda speculation because I'm overwhelmed and I feel really really sick and I really don't know who to ask for help anymore?? sometimes it's like. fuck it's been like... two years since we found out about the pressure in my brain, and I still feel like I don't know what's going on. I just have migraines and a fucked up heart rate, and most people kinda forgot about the heart rate because I've been doing a bunch to keep it down because I feel so fucked up when it gets high. So it looks really low, but I also look really lazy. but I feel it beating really hard but I don't know how to like... prove that to people, because it's mostly just a feeling. and things just smell... strongly and bad. all the time. and I don't know what to do about that and I don't know if it's topiramate or not anymore... and considering my mom is like. the queen of making me doubt my perception of reality in her own little way, maybe I've just spent 3 years living exclusively with my mom without my dad to balance out her habits and I just. Am fully losing my mind. "I don't smell anything. I didn't notice anything. It's not that bad. You don't really have any needs." etc.

I don't know what is healthy to want or need, and since I've been kinda my mom's keeper since I was a child and now my dad's not here I feel like I have to be here for her... but also I'm disabled and in debt so I fully cannot move or get a job or go to school because like... it feels like making excuses but like. I am very ill and in a lot of pain, disability is a real thing that prevents people from functioning and I don't have to keep justifying it to myself when I know full well how bad my situation is and can be. I know what trying to keep up can do to me and what I'm incapable of doing. just because if someone took a picture I would look like a person that people like to make jokes about, doesn't mean that the inside of my body works right. That's the shame talking. I know full well that I can't 'just try harder' because I tried harder and just got sicker. I *know* that. I'm going to doctors, I'm doing my best with what I have and it's okay that it's not as much as what other people can do. it's okay. I'm allowed to be sick and need support. That's what being disabled is. Having a hobby that I do now and then doesn't prove I'm not disabled, I can't curl up in a ball and die just because things take effort and drain me. I can't only prioritize self-improvement or helping other people. Sometimes I need to have fun or do things for me. It's okay to spend time playing a video game or drawing pictures that are just for fun. I can exist for me that's fine. it's normal and reasonable and in fact probably recommended because my mental health is necessary for a healthy lifestyle.

oh I am definitely talking myself down from a guilt spiral I don't know why I am in this weird headspace. what the fuck...

[bcacstuff]

Outlander Filming Update

So I was checking out the schedules of extras I know of today and found a few things.

First about last week. I already posted about it last week how they were filming inside in the studio and according to a picture I found outside as well.

Looking at the schedules I saw costume fitting and filming pre shoots and scenes for brothel scenes, some women as 'High Class Ladies' and some men as 'Upper-class Johns'. I assume in the studio as they had covid tests at the same dates. Filming these scenes went on till December 1st. I also noticed on a schedule filming 'The Ball' from November 29 till December 1st.

I assume, this is a continuation of the scenes in Liverpool they shot on location, as we saw a brothel on that set, but now the inside stuff.

As I wrote in my former post, the local that saw shooting going on in her backyard, what looks like a military tent camp.

Combining that with the storylines of Liverpool and the inside brothel scenes, I think book readers can figure out what they might have been filming.

Then I see on a schedule the following: 5 December (costume) fitting "Mean Old Mr McBirney & Henchman", and on December 7th the filming of this "Mean Old MrBirney & Henchman". I've tried to look the name up in combination with OL, but could figure it out! (anybody?)

Also on December 5 I see some extras having costume fitting for "police officer 1980s". The filming for these extras is on December 14 - 19 as far as I could see.

Finally I saw the extras who play the doubles of Jamie and Roger scheduled for December 14 - 22. So that means filming will at least go on until December 22nd.

Note: Of course these are all schedules of extras and not of the main cast. it doesn't necessarily mean the main cast is involved in this.

[thememory]

some light housekeeping.

i picked up some extra shifts for the upcoming week (a note on that below the cut) so i will likely be a bit scarce until ~friday or saturday. i have personal training every friday and sometimes i come back pumped, sometimes i come back exhausted. with the work week i have ahead of me, it might be an exhausted one, but the muse might win. we'll see.

i have class every mon/weds from 6pm est to 8pm est as well.

please don't be afraid to send me memes to get things started. they never expire, the tag can be found in my nav / on the sidebar.

if i get an idea - i will likely send you an unprompted ask to get things started. if you don't like it, if it doesn't jive, don't answer it! no hard feelings, i'm just excited to get things going!

also, please feel free to turn memes into threads. that's how i start threads, personally. i don't have spoons for starter calls anymore.

i've added a draft / inbox count to my pinned, below the cut, for reference.

a note on my portrayal of aerith.

it states i am full exclusive with @architectofhope's reeve. now, any of you blessed enough to have known hmr when they were in the ff fandom will understand, but those of you who are new or did not get the chance to interact with them - their portrayal of reeve is so thorough an incredible. they helped me develop aerith to a level i could never imagine, and they've become a very dear friend to me as well. they pushed me to be a better writer, and i strive every day to keep at a level i had when i was writing against them. hmr is on a hiatus from the fandom (and even if they never return, this stands) at present but the amount of love, attention, and chatting we've done between her reeve and aerith is unreal. so even if hmr's hiatus remains indefinite and moves to permanent, for the effort and adoration they've put into helping me build my aerith over time, they will remain full exclusive.

they also wrote a rufus (@controlthroughfear) which started out as a hilarious sinday meme between their ru and i (then the friendship was formed). i have that they are ship exclusive with me, however, hmr's interpretation of ru is so vastly different from others on the site that with chemistry and through time i am open to other ships (this doesn't mean romantic necessarily). i love rufus as a muse, and i am very excited to write out his dynamic with aerith in any form. as such, the status of exclusivity may lightly open up in the future.

i am recovering from covid.

i had it the week before christmas, through christmas, and tested negative on new years eve. i am still suffering from long covid and it's making me exhausted, forgetful & sluggish overall. the worst is the brain fog. if i forget something please gently remind me. i am also slow. the long covid is fucking so badly with my sleep schedule that sometimes, despite being exhausted, i can't fall asleep until like ...8am. considering i also work & attend school ... it's been rough.

[literaticat]

Hi Jenn! What advice would you give to a newer agent who feels like their submissions are being ignored by editors?

I don't know you, so maybe you are already doing this, but:

I'd suggest you get to know the editors outside of pitching them / submitting to them. It IS a little tougher now that Mr Covid has come to town and so many people are spread out / not in the office a lot or at all, but it's still doable. If you are going to be in NYC, reach out to editors and see if they are around for a meeting or to get coffee or lunch. If you are outside the city and not going in, make an effort to schedule zoom meetings with editors, whether one-on-one or in a "team" setting. Read a great book? Figure out who the editor is, write to them and compliment them on it, and ask for a meeting! Make a goal -- say, eight new editors a month or so -- and put yourself out there! (And if you have the opportunity to go to mixers, or to ALA or places like that, make an effort to introduce yourself to the editors there as well - - again, less common these days, but they will come back I believe!)

Again, I'm not just talking about email. I know a lot of Youths have social anxiety, and I really do get that, but IMO, you HAVE TO be brave enough to pick up the phone or meet people in person or at least on zoom to really get to know them and for them to get to know you. (And I'm sorry if this advice seems condescending or anything -- maybe it doesn't apply to you! I just know that a lot of younger agents / support staff and such I've met and worked with have phone-phobia and are nervous, so, just saying!)

This is not to pitch them books right then, no pressure (though fine if it comes up organically and you are too excited NOT to share), but rather, to get a sense of their taste and style, so they can get to know YOU a bit better, to "put a face to the name" as it were, etc. Ask them not just "what are you looking for" but also talk about anything -- what are their picks for upcoming awards? what shows are they loving, what are they obsessed with, do they have kids or pets, etc. (And TAKE NOTES!) (And ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING WITH THE NOTES, like put them in a spreadsheet so you can find this intel again when you DO have a book to pitch!) -- you may be really surprised how often those random questions and conversations help when you are trying to decide who to submit a new manuscript to. (Like, "oh, I remember so-and-so said she was a ballerina in high school and loves Tim Burton -- this new horror book set in an elite ballet school might be perfect for her!" "Oh, I remember so-and-so has a toddler who is obsessed with building things, this new picture book dummy about forklifts might be perfect for her!")

I haven't run tests on this or anything, but I suspect you'll find that editors with whom you have some sort of a relationship are more responsive than editors you approach cold. (I mean sometimes you HAVE to approach cold, there's not really a way around that, but if you CAN do a meet-and-greet first at least, it'd be nice.)

Anyway. If you've already done all that and you still feel like you are getting ignored. . . I don't know the answer at that point, except perhaps redouble your efforts, and/or make sure your submissions really are up to snuff?

[voicesfromthelight]

My spirit guides have been hitting it out of the park, lately, in the “Trust the higher plan!” department. The context of this quote would merit a whole blog post (Ugh! The backlog of blog post outlines I have accumulated is SO long!), but let’s see if I can summarize it quickly. It’s often helpful to think of the futures we are moving towards as being visible to our spirit guides the way a bird might observe an ant, from above, going from point A to point B. Geometrically, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. That doesn’t mean the ant will always walk in a straight line, or that there won’t be obstacles between points A and B to work around. From where the ant is on the ground, it can usually only see its immediate surroundings. The bird observing from above, however, will have a much more comprehensive view of the landscape the ant is navigating, and also, of the ant’s habits, its pace, etc. It can also see what other creatures will probably cross its path, and how likely it is that its course will be diverted. This is how our spirit guides can predict the future. As we all do, despite having the resource of my intuitive guidance, I often struggle with anxiety over my future. The awareness I have of the potential domino effects of the smallest decisions we make day to day, which largely comes from working with my guides, sometimes actually heightens that. My guides spend a lot of time reassuring me, when like an ant, I only believe what I can see directly in front of me. But this week, I had an experience that shifted my awareness towards trust and confidence in an unexpected way. For months, my guides had been predicting that within the next few weeks, I would be offered a certain desirable work opportunity. They had been instructing me on steps to take to place myself in the best position for it. However, I was also being offered a competing project, on attractive terms, which my guides (and my gut!) consistently insisted was not the right one. The schedule conflicted with the timeline I had been given.

My circumstances eventually came to a point where it seemed I had no choice but to go against my guides’ advice. The day I had to make a final decision, I channeled about it one last time, highly anxious that I would be throwing myself off of the trajectory towards the opportunity my guides had been predicting if I took on the other project. 

Unexpectedly, Salvador quite plainly told me to accept the project, and reassured me everything would still go according to plan. (At the time, I did not understand everything he was telling me - including that it would be a “short-term agreement,” but it would all presently become clear.) The quote in my post is from that session. Having made the decision to take on the other project, I suddenly felt perfectly at peace, in a way I hadn’t experienced in a while. I called the producers of the project and confirmed I would be joining them. I was due to fly out to South Carolina to start two days later. The following evening, I was about to start a channeling session for a client, when Salvador told me I was “a little sick,” and should go to bed. The following morning, nearly asymptomatic, I tested positive for COVID. (See my post from two days ago!) South Carolina was off. I am writing this from the confines of my five day isolation. Despite the loss of this significant work project, I feel optimistic. The fact that I accepted the project means that I still have the merit of having been hired. I can “broadcast” to the world that I am both in demand AND available for what comes next, as soon as I am in the clear. This would not have been the case had I turned down the project - and I would still have gotten COVID. So, there it is. My guides mentioned “fear of change” several times in the last reading I did. It’s true. I was scared that changing my circumstances would throw me off my path. As it turns out, it was all part of the higher plan. I am swiftly recovering now, and know I will be just fine.

[myadhdbot]

tldr: nothing important

just knowing you might have adhd without the official diagnosis, and no means to even get one bc where you live in doesn't take mental health seriously, is so frustrating.

i relate to most of the adhd behaviours described online. i cannot regulate my attention. my recent hyper-fixation lasted almost an entire semester and i barely scraped through all the other subjects other than the ones i was really interested in. i also lose focus easily in class unless I'm writing every word they say down. executive dysfunction is an everyday thing. i cannot stop scrolling on the internet even though i mentally list all the better things i could be doing rather than waste time every 10-15 minutes. I'm easily bored and have had meltdowns in the past so yes i 98% think i have adhd probably a bit of anxiety as well.

but without the official diagnosis my imposter syndrome makes it so difficult to live guilt free. theres always stupid thoughts in my head saying if I'm just exaggerating things (i know I'm not) but it's so hard to shut down the voice and i go into a spiral thinking if I'm just being lazy, not working hard enough to get things done on time, not trying to remember important schedules or assignments, not trying complete my assignments or homeworks or reading until the very last minute.

my issues with memory also make it incredibly hard to recall anything other than some specific instances of my childhood and everybody (esp my mom) remembers a different version of me bc i lived in a boarding school from 11-16(until covid) and i was extremely high functioning. i used to ace tests without having to read too much and my boarding school had a very strict routine that made it easy bc i knew what i was supposed to do every minute of the day but when 11th grade came around everything changed even though i was still in the same boarding setup. i suddenly didnt do well in tests bc i hadn't needed to until then. so i don't know who i was, i don't know who i am or who I'm supposed to be.

i did nothing productive during the covid year couldn't concentrate in class. i read hp fanfics all day. i couldn't even read new books, or watch tv shows or pick up a hobby or learn a language (which is an interest of mine), nothing other than reading about the same people fall for each other in a thousand different au's. this was a very important stage in my student life and i didn't give university exams properly. i can't regret it bc i don't even think about it. i don't think about anything concrete but my mind is always busy.

(i don't even know where i was going with this. does this qualify as trauma dump?)

i see people with the same problems on the internet and it does relieve me to a certain extent but there's always doubt clawing at me. also bc in just 2 years I've to get a job and i hear how office spaces are not accomodating enough for nd folks and it's scary. i also don't really like the job profile very much but it's also bc i have no real direction in life. i dream about having a book cafe but it's not sustainable nor fair to my family ig.

sundays are not fun when you're in an existential crisis (if this even qualifies as one) and i have homework to do that I could've done anytime between the last 30 hours which I've procrastinated against doing until now.

[thecavavoice]

Laugh During Difficult Times

by Danielle J.

A digital picture of a drawn black heart with a smiley face emoji in the center, an indication expressing happiness during hard times, Elk Grove, C.A., Sunday, February 19th, 2023 (Danielle J. / The CAVA Voice)

We probably all know the feeling of stress or anxiety. Whether it comes up because of a big test or an assignment, we all feel that tightness in our schedules. What once was about 1 or maybe 2 hours of studying, could gradually feel like 3 or 4 hours. Now, it is important to remember that we all process things differently. Whether we procrastinate on a project that’s due, or we stall for information that we might already know, they belong in the same category. 

Now, the word, “difficult” could have different meanings depending on the person. Difficult could be when you have writer's block on a writing assignment. “Difficult” could be when someone can’t focus on a big test. Or, with some people, “difficult” can mean something from within. We’ve probably all had this dilemma at least once in our lives. That we try to complete a task that our brains won't allow us to. You can think of it as thinking with your heart instead of your mind. Now, it’s not a bad thing to think with your heart instead of with your mind, but it isn’t a positive thing to do either. We all need a balance, we can’t just think with our minds, and we can’t just think with our hearts. Now, to reference today's day in age, we are facing the COVID pandemic. We probably didn’t know what it was beforehand, but I’m pretty sure all of us know it very well now. Schools have shut down, companies have closed, people have passed away, which all creates a sort of deepend depression between all of us. A connection of sorts. We probably have lost friends, family, really anyone we could have cared about. I know it seems like rock bottom or something that we can never heal from, but that’s not true. Sometimes during difficult times, we just have to smile. We have to smile to remember there is still a reason to live, there is still a reason to love, to rely, to connect, to unite. It’s not easy of course, but we all can just try our best. No matter what your difficult time could be, it’s better to share it than just keep it all to yourself, because instead of being alone during struggling times, you are instead facing it all together.

We probably all have heard this fun saying, “laughter is the best medicine,” over and over again. Whether it’s your parents, your grandparents, friends, or even teachers, they all would say the same thing. We probably expect it sometimes when we are feeling down, but what is the true reason for that famous saying? What is the true reason why they say that to us? 

Laughter has huge effects on people, but especially people who are dealing with stress. There are two sides to laughter as well, short-term effects and long-term effects, and all are positive to your health and well-being. According to Mayo Clinic, short term effects can include “Activate and relieve your stress response. A rollicking laugh fires up and then cools down your stress response, and it can increase and then decrease your heart rate and blood pressure.” Which basically means laughter makes you feel mentally and physically good. Have you ever noticed that when you laugh, your mood improves? Well, there is a reason for that as well, speak of it as a long-term effect. Not only can laughter improve your immune system and increase personal satisfaction, it could also improve your physical pain as well. If you ever fell down on the floor, either face down or swiftly landed on your backside, you’ve probably laughed it off. Why would someone laugh off pain though? According to the Mayo Clinic, “ Laughter may ease pain by causing the body to produce its own natural painkillers.” If you compared the two actions and emotions of laughter and crying, you would find it would result differently in your current state of mind. However the main difference from laughing and crying is just an act of emotion that people use to cope with. Whether you are laughing from a joke, or you are crying from a fall down the stairs, you have the option to improve your mindset from thinking of it as a negative or a positive event that happened. Think of it differently. Think of the world laughing at you, or just classmates in general laughing. You have two choices, you can cry and be angry at people laughing at you, or you can laugh with them. Because, at the end of the day, it’s not what others may think about you, but it’s what you think about yourself. No, I will never say that it is easy to laugh at yourself, but isn’t better than crying? Isn't it better than wallowing alone? Try smiling in a mirror, especially during hard times. Especially when you think the world is against you, because at the end of the day, you only have yourself to blame. You can take what you want from people, from the world, from influences all over, but you can only look deep inside yourself to find what you really need, not what you want.

Have you ever noticed that when someone laughs, everyone else laughs with them? That maybe the laughter is somehow contagious? Well, many people such as doctors or psychiatrists try to explain the phenomenon of this “laugher disease” and how it just spreads around people. But no one really knows, because the fact is, we can all contribute to that one factor. It’s the fact that if someone believes in something so much, they can make others believe it as well. So why can’t we trick ourselves into believing that we can make it through a hard situation? You might notice that when a friend of yours asks you for advice or a solution, you give your information and opinion to that person. You help them through their problem, but when they ask you to do the same for yourself, you probably do not even know the first step into approaching that situation. If people only focused on others, then when will you have time to focus on yourself? Especially in these times, we all have to learn that we are not alone in our struggle. Life is not easy, it will throw curveballs at you, and you sometimes will fall. You sometimes will have a breakdown. But you have to always remember that there is someone always in your corner that feels the exact same way.

[aftercareprogram]

Q&A: Tips for How Therapists Can Use the Federal Stimulus Offerings

 We had so many questions come through for our Tips for How Therapists Can Use the Federal Stimulus Offerings webinar that we couldn’t get to them all. Below we’ve compiled some additional questions and answers from the webinar. We will continue to update this information as more details emerge.

 PPP Loan For Therapists – FAQ’s:

What does 2 1/2 times your W-2 mean in terms of the loan?

The PPP loan is based on 2 1/2 times your payroll, or if you are a sole proprietor, is based on the average monthly net profit (line 31 on your Schedule C).

Is it the 2019 tax return needed or the 2018?

Either one, but if you haven’t done your 2019 taxes yet, in the context of being ready for the application go ahead and have your documentation prepared – the banks are likely going to ask for it.

Do you have to demonstrate loss of income as sole practitioner therapists? We may not see that drop for month or two?

You do not have to have suffered a financial impact in order to qualify. You being affected by COVID-19 could even mean having to switch your services to telehealth.

What kind of accounting is required if I want to sign up for the EIDL instead of the PPP?

Your bank should provide guidance on what they are requiring to document your calculation.

I have an LLC partnership use Schedule C to report income. I have no employees other than myself. Would I be considered an “applicant with not more than 500 employees?” Or an “applicant who is an individual who operates under a sole proprietorship, with or without employees?”

If you file Schedule C you would use “applicant who is an individual who operates under a sole proprietorship, with or without employees.”

For small business, self-employed sole proprietors, that may have started up in the last six months or so, the Schedule C for 2019 for that business may show a lot more expenses vs. income, so the net income would be less than the current monthly income and won’t reflect anticipated income for 2020. Any ideas on how the PPP might do computations for new businesses?

The SBA should provide guidance to the banks on what numbers to use in your situation. You should be able to use 2020 numbers if you just started this year. Your banker should be able to provide help on that.

What about Subchapter S corporation?

You would file as a business and not as a sole proprietor.

Is it true that only 25% of the loan can be used for rents, health insurance, etc. and the other 75% must go to salaries and wages?

There is a calculation during the “testing period” to determine how much of the PPP loan can be forgiven. Generally that is the case, but your CPA/bank will need to look at the details on how to compute the forgiveness to be sure.

Will the forgiven loan amount then be counted as taxable income on 2020 taxes?

Our understanding is that forgiveness on the PPP loan will not be considered taxable income.

Is landlord/rental income protected by the PPP or EIDL loans?

Rental income is generally not considered self employment income and cannot be used in determining your amount of loan.

I’m not clear how forgiveness is connected to a sole proprietor. I have no employees. A few 1099’s but as you mentioned, they don’t count. What counts toward forgiveness for a self employed sole practitioner?

There has not been clear guidance from the SBA on what they will look at for sole proprietors during the “testing period” to determine the loan forgiveness. This is why we recommend pulling all your documentation so you can be as prepared as possible.

What is there for solo practitioners without employees who pay quarterly taxes but don’t pay themselves a specific salary, and income is way down due to quarantine?

You can apply for the PPP loan as a sole proprietor; you do not need to have employees.

It seems the SBA’s Economic Injury Disaster Loan (EIDL) also provides vital economic support to any small business (less than 500 employees) to help overcome the temporary loss of revenue they are experiencing as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic without penalty. Why do you recommend applying for the PPP instead?

The EIDL package does/did allow for up to $10,000 advance, however we believe this advance would reduce any funds received from the PPP advance though. Additionally, as of Friday, April 10, 2020, the media has been reporting that the EIDL program is running out of funds and having significantly more issues.

Sources: https://integrativelifecenter.com/qa-tips-for-how-therapists-can-use-the-federal-stimulus-offerings/

source https://aftercareprogramc.blogspot.com/2022/09/q-tips-for-how-therapists-can-use.html

[bi-panic-at-the-disco]

sitting outside because I am feeling badly and I really don’t want to get from an eight year old

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[uomo-accattivante]

Excellent article about bringing a re-make of Ingmar Bergman’s Scenes from a Marriage to fruition, and the twenty-year friendship that Oscar Isaac and Jessica Chastain share:

There were days on the shoot for “Scenes From a Marriage,” a five-episode limited series that premieres Sept. 12 on HBO, when Oscar Isaac resented the crew.

The problem wasn’t the crew members themselves, he told me on a video call in March. But the work required of him and his co-star, Jessica Chastain, was so unsparingly intimate — “And difficult!” Chastain added from a neighboring Zoom window — that every time a camera operator or a makeup artist appeared, it felt like an intrusion.

On his other projects, Isaac had felt comfortably distant from the characters and their circumstances — interplanetary intrigue, rogue A.I. But “Scenes” surveys monogamy and parenthood, familiar territory. Sometimes Isaac would film a bedtime scene with his onscreen child (Lily Jane) and then go home and tuck his own child into the same model of bed as the one used onset, accessorized with the same bunny lamp, and not know exactly where art ended and life began.

“It was just a lot,” he said.

Chastain agreed, though she put it more strongly. “I mean, I cried every day for four months,” she said.

Isaac, 42, and Chastain, 44, have known each other since their days at the Juilliard School. And they have channeled two decades of friendship, admiration and a shared and obsessional devotion to craft into what Michael Ellenberg, one of the series’s executive producers, called “five hours of naked, raw performance.” (That nudity is metaphorical, mostly.)

“For me it definitely felt incredibly personal,” Chastain said on the call in the spring, about a month after filming had ended. “That’s why I don’t know if I have another one like this in me. Yeah, I can’t decide that. I can’t even talk about it without. …” She turned away from the screen. (It was one of several times during the call that I felt as if I were intruding, too.)

The original “Scenes From a Marriage,” created by Ingmar Bergman, debuted on Swedish television in 1973. Bergman’s first television series, its six episodes trace the dissolution of a middle-class marriage. Starring Liv Ullmann, Bergman’s ex, it drew on his own past relationships, though not always directly.

“When it comes to Bergman, the relationship between autobiography and fiction is extremely complicated,” said Jan Holmberg, the chief executive of the Ingmar Bergman Foundation.

A sensation in Sweden, it was seen by most of the adult population. And yes, sure, correlation does not imply causation, but after its debut, Swedish divorce were rumored to have doubled. Holmberg remembers watching a rerun as a 10-year-old.

“It was a rude awakening to adult life,” he said.

The writer and director Hagai Levi saw it as a teenager, on Israeli public television, during a stint on a kibbutz. “I was shocked,” he said. The series taught him that a television series could be radical, that it could be art. When he created “BeTipul,” the Israeli precursor to “In Treatment,” he used “Scenes” as proof of the concept “that two people can talk for an hour and it can work,” Levi said. (Strangely, “Scenes” also inspired the prime-time soap “Dallas.”)

So when Daniel Bergman, Ingmar Bergman’s youngest son, approached Levi about a remake, he was immediately interested.

But the project languished, in part because loving a show isn’t reason enough to adapt it. Divorce is common now — in Sweden, and elsewhere — and the relationship politics of the original series, in which the male character deserts his wife and young children for an academic post, haven’t aged particularly well.

Then about two years ago, Levi had a revelation. He would swap the gender roles. A woman who leaves her marriage and child in pursuit of freedom (with a very hot Israeli entrepreneur in place of a visiting professorship) might still provoke conversation and interest.

So the Marianne and Johan of the original became Mira and Jonathan, with a Boston suburb (re-created in a warehouse just north of New York City), stepping in for the Stockholm of the original. Jonathan remains an academic though Mira, a lawyer in the original, is now a businesswoman who out-earns him.

Casting began in early 2020. After Isaac met with Levi, he wrote to Chastain to tell her about the project. She wasn’t available. The producers cast Michelle Williams. But the pandemic reshuffled everyone’s schedules. When production was ready to resume, Williams was no longer free. Chastain was. “That was for me the most amazing miracle,” Levi said.

Isaac and Chastain met in the early 2000s at Juilliard. He was in his first year; she, in her third. He first saw her in a scene from a classical tragedy, slapping men in the face as Helen of Troy. He was friendly with her then-boyfriend, and they soon became friends themselves, bonding through the shared trauma of an acting curriculum designed to break its students down and then build them back up again. Isaac remembered her as “a real force of nature and solid, completely solid, with an incredible amount of integrity,” he said.

In the next window, Chastain blushed. “He was super talented,” she said. “But talented in a way that wasn’t expected, that’s challenging and pushing against constructs and ideas.” She introduced him to her manager, and they celebrated each other’s early successes and went to each other’s premieres. (A few of those photos are used in “Scenes From a Marriage” as set dressing.)

In 2013, Chastain was cast in J.C. Chandor’s “A Most Violent Year,”opposite Javier Bardem. When Bardem dropped out, Chastain campaigned for Isaac to have the role. Weeks before shooting, they began to meet, fleshing out the back story of their characters — a husband and wife trying to corner the heating oil market in 1981 New York — the details of the marriage, business, life.

It was their first time working together, and each felt a bond that went deeper than a parallel education and approach. “Something connects us that’s stronger than any ideas of character or story or any of that,” Isaac said. “There’s something else that’s more about like, a shared existence.”

Chandor noticed how they would support each other on set, and challenge each other, too, giving each other the freedom to take the characters’ relationship to dark and dangerous places. “They have this innate trust with each other,” Chandor said.

That trust eliminated the need for actorly tricks or shortcuts, in part because they know each other’s tricks too well. Their motto, Isaac said, was, “Let’s figure this [expletive] out together and see what’s the most honest thing we can do.”

Moni Yakim, Juilliard’s celebrated movement instructor, has followed their careers closely and he noted what he called the “magnetism and spiritual connection” that they suggested onscreen in the film.

“It’s a kind of chemistry,” Yakim said. “They can read each other’s mind and you as an audience, you can sense it.”

Telepathy takes work. When they knew that shooting “Scenes From a Marriage” could begin, Chastain bought a copy of “All About Us,” a guided journal for couples, and filled in her sections in character as Mira. Isaac brought it home and showed it to his wife, the filmmaker Elvira Lind.

“She was like, ‘You finally found your match,’” Isaac recalled. “’Someone that is as big of a nerd as you are.’”

The actors rehearsed, with Levi and on their own, talking their way through each long scene, helping each other through the anguished parts. When production had to halt for two weeks, they rehearsed then, too.

Watching these actors work reminded Amy Herzog, a writer and executive producer on the series, of race horses in full gallop. “These are two people who have so much training and skill,” she said. “Because it’s an athletic feat, what they were being asked to do.”

But training and skill and the “All About Us” book hadn’t really prepared them for the emotional impact of actually shooting “Scenes From a Marriage.” Both actors normally compartmentalize when they work, putting up psychic partitions between their roles and themselves. But this time, the partitions weren’t up to code.

“I knew I was in trouble the very first week,” Chastain said.

She couldn’t hide how the scripts affected her, especially from someone who knows her as well as Isaac does. “I just felt so exposed,” she said. “This to me, more than anything I’ve ever worked on, was definitely the most open I’ve ever been.”

“It felt so dangerous,” she said.

I visited the set in February (after multiple Covid-19 tests and health screenings) during a final day of filming. It was the quietest set I had ever seen: The atmosphere was subdued, reverent almost, a crew and a studio space stripped down to only what two actors would need to do the most passionate and demanding work of their careers.

Isaac didn’t know if he would watch the completed series. “It really is the first time ever, where I’ve done something where I’m totally fine never seeing this thing,” he said. “Because I’ve really lived through it. And in some ways I don’t want whatever they decide to put together to change my experience of it, which was just so intense.”

The cameras captured that intensity. Though Chastain isn’t Mira and Isaac isn’t Jonathan, each drew on personal experience — their parents’ marriages, past relationships — in ways they never had. Sometimes work on the show felt like acting, and sometimes the work wasn’t even conscious. There’s a scene in the harrowing fourth episode in which they both lie crumpled on the floor, an identical stress vein bulging in each forehead.

“It’s my go-to move, the throbbing forehead vein,” Isaac said on a follow-up video call last month. Chastain riffed on the joke: “That was our third year at Juilliard, the throb.”

By then, it had been five months since the shoot wrapped. Life had returned to something like normal. Jokes were possible again. Both of them seemed looser, more relaxed. (Isaac had already poured himself one tequila shot and was ready for another.) No one cried.

Chastain had watched the show with her husband. And Isaac, despite his initial reluctance, had watched it, too. It didn’t seem to have changed his experience.

“I’ve never done anything like it,” he said. “And I can’t imagine doing anything like it again.”

###

[neoculturetravesty]

We met in online class - Part 9

Image adapted from here.

Pairing: Renjun x Reader Genre: College AU, romance, angst, fluff Warnings: Strong language, fist fight, a character has Covid-19 Word Count: 5.2k

Navigation: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | You are on Part 9 | Part 10 | Last Part

A/N: So proud of the boys for breaking records with Hot Sauce 🥺💛  Also, Eid Mubarak to all who celebrate!

Renjun is ashamed to be surprised, but his friends remain true to their word.

That night, Renjun slept for what he’s sure was a good fourteen hours. Because by the time he woke, it was way in the afternoon. Jaemin was already back from his shift and Jeno was almost halfway through his. Jisung had insisted that Renjun get some more rest before he had to take over. It was a tiny bit disconcerting to have Jisung hovering over him the entire day to make sure he was eating and feeling okay, but Renjun had to admit--this was exactly what he needed. He didn’t like who he was when he was alone.

The boys had apparently even created a dedicated group chat where they would post updates and a list of things that were required at the hospital. Not that there was much required, anyway. But the boys would make sure that at the very least, Renjun’s mom had fresh clothes and home cooked food everyday while she couldn’t get out herself. Jaemin had even taken Renjun’s phone and gotten it fixed so he at least had a proper screen instead of a cracked one.

Even when Renjun was sure that he could take over on his own, the boys wouldn’t allow it. On many occasions, he had just stayed by them during their turns, thankful for their company and their friendship. Because who else in this world would spend their semester break in this fashion? He’s pretty sure they had plans; but they had forsaken them all to be there for him. 

Renjun has no idea how it happens, but slowly and surely, things start to get better. He’s pretty certain it has to be some sort of a miracle. Like a little break of sunshine had finally decided to shine on him through the dark clouds. Like somehow, his guardian angel had decided that it had slacked off for long enough and now it should give Renjun a break. Because one day, the doctors tell them that Renjun’s grandmother will be a lot weaker for the next few days to come… but with a lot of care and attention, she should be ready to go home. They echo Renjun’s thoughts and tell them that it is nothing short of a miracle, but also that he should be thankful that his grandmother is still young and has a fighting spirit.

The day she is taken off of life support and brought into another room with a window through which he can see her, Renjun can’t hold himself back. He hugs onto Jaemin so tight and cries happy tears, and Jaemin holds him back just as strong, though he’s sure that he’s so overwhelmed by relief that he’s putting all of his weight onto the boy. But Jaemin doesn’t relent and holds onto him and lets him cry tears of joy into his shoulder.

The boys head home that night and laugh till they cry and celebrate Renjun’s grandma’s life and health. They eat like they had been hungry for days and slump their shoulders in ease like they had been keeping them tense for too long. They laugh and they sit together and keep letting out long sighs of relief, as if each breath was undoing a knot in their chest. It’s a sweet, victorious sort of a happy moment, and it is Jeno who has to remind them they need to focus now more than ever so that Renjun’s grandma can get her strength back and finally test negative. And it is an important reminder because the new semester is about to begin soon and given classes, they will have to redo their hospital visit schedules.

At the very least, they learn that the new semester would begin online, because the sudden surge in Covid cases had led them to another lockdown. Renjun’s not sure whether he should be happy or upset about it. On the one hand, he thinks this lockdown should’ve happened earlier so his grandma would’ve never gotten sick in the first place. On the other hand, he is happy that his grandma would now be safe and recover comfortably. 

When classes begin and Renjun finds all his housemates at home, his heart drops a little and he wonders if he should just skip today. But an amused Jeno mutes himself during his online class and stops him.

“You have other friends, too, you know?” Jeno cocks an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah, but I’m sure they have classes, too. Plus, the four of us have been doing this from the beginning, so… I don’t know…” Renjun says, rubbing the back of his neck, feeling a bit nervous about leaving his mother and grandma on their own without help. But Jeno looks at him like he’s talking gibberish.

“Dude. Not the four of us. All seven of us have been doing this from the very beginning.” Jeno says, eyebrow still cocked, looking at Renjun like he’s sure he’s lost his mind.

Renjun looks up and for a moment, he is sure his face looks dumb. Because if the buffering wheel was a human expression, Renjun’s certain he’s wearing it now. “All… seven?”

“Do you even check the group chat? Chenle and Mark and Donghyuck. They’ve all been doing their duty from Day 1, you idiot. How else would the rest of us come home so early?” Jeno scoffs and laughs a bit, knotting his eyebrows at his clueless friend.

For a moment, Renjun is silenced. Because he doesn’t know how to process this information. He feels a swell in his chest. A sort of happiness that only true friendship brings. But at the same time, he feels an incredible pang of guilt, because for one, he is an asshole that keeps underestimating the said friendship. And for the other, he had done absolutely nothing to be deserving of such love. 

“Dong… Donghyuck, too?” Renjun asks and he feels his heart breaking, though even in this surreal moment of realization, he recognizes how strange it is to feel heartbreak over something like this.

“Of course, you idiot. Donghyuck was the one that stayed at the hospital the entire first night when you were asleep.” Jeno tells him and smacks him lightly on the head.

And for the first time in his life, Renjun actually feels what it is like to have his head physically hang in shame. “I don’t deserve it.” he sighs.

“I really don’t understand you sometimes, Huang Renjun.” Jeno says and turns his attention back to his class.

“What do you mean?” Renjun retorts.

“Just because friends have a dumb fight, doesn’t mean they abandon each other in times of need.” Jeno states like it is the most obvious thing in the world.

It should be simple and obvious, everything Jeno has said. But to Renjun, it is groundbreaking. Because Renjun wasn’t used to being loved and cared for without condition. In his dark and convoluted view of the world, everything was give and take. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. But here they were--his friends that were shattering all of those dumbass beliefs. Telling him that although he had been a grade A asshole and punched them in the face, they understood that he was going through some shit, and that taking care of his sick grandmother trumped all other childish grudges. Renjun realizes that perhaps, he was the most childish out of all his friends. Somewhere in his turbulent childhood, he might have skipped a lot of emotional development. Because why else would the kindness and love of his friends shock him so?

Jeno peeks over the top of his laptop and watches Renjun deep in thought, paying no attention to his own class. “He’s at the hospital right now.” Jeno says knowingly.

And that’s all Renjun needs to hear before he slams his laptop shut and makes his way out.

The fact that Renjun is probably a few steps behind in his emotional development is solidified when he sits next to Donghyuck on a park bench and suddenly finds himself at a loss for what to say.

The rush of blood and adrenaline he had felt in his veins leaving his house for his apology tour seemed to have faded when he saw his friend’s face. Donghyuck had been sitting next to Renjun’s father, but that hadn’t been the bothersome part. It was the fact that his friend was sitting there for him, but with a black eye that Renjun had given him. 

In the grand scheme of healing black eyes, Donghyuck definitely looked less hurt than the last time Renjun had seen him. The purples were mostly gone, leaving behind hues of yellow and a speck of blue here and there. Though he may have been healing, there were more colors on him than before and that’s what made him look worse. That’s also the part that makes Renjun feel most ashamed. His friend was here for him even though he looked like shit thanks to him.

Renjun is sure that on the list of top ten assholes of the world, he would find his own name on top.

But sitting next to Donghyuck outside in the fresh air, he has no idea what to say. He thinks real hard and decides to start in the safe zone.

“Did the guys tell you? About my grandma?” he asks.

“Um, no. It was Jimin.” Donghyuck replies awkwardly.

Renjun nods. “I, uh… I told the guys like a day later, though. Did you tell them before I did?”

“No, um… I was at a party with the 127s… I didn’t see her text till like the next day either, so…” Donghyuck trails off.

Renjun nods again, then swallows. It’s so strange, how awkward this all is. It is unsettling because Donghyuck is the least awkward person he knows, and he hates that this weird zone is where their relationship seems to be heading.

Not if he can help it.

In another rush of dumbass adrenaline, Renjun gets up abruptly and stands before Donghyuck.

“Go on. Do it.” Renjun says and takes a deep breath.

“Huh?” Donghyuck looks at his friend quizzically.

“Do it. Just make it quick.” Renjun nods with determination and points at his face.

“You’re crazy.” Donghyuck states and slides further away on the bench, eyebrows raised, and a grimace on his mouth.

“Just do it, man. Do it so we can move on.” Renjun says, placing both hands on his waist and squeezing his eyes shut.

“I’m not going to punch you so you can move on, you psycho.” Donghyuck’s face is contorted, like he’s scandalized and perhaps even slightly scared of his friend. 

“Come on, Donghyuckie. Just punch me and get it over with.” Renjun waves his hand impatiently, not relenting.

“Are you not hearing me, you crazy? I’m not punching you just to make you feel better!” Donghyuck almost yells.

And because Renjun is pretty sure this would work, he grabs at Donghyuck’s collar just to provoke him.

“What the fuck?!” Donghyuck tries to push Renjun off of him.

“Hit me!” Renjun shouts.

“No, are you fucking crazy! Get off me!” Donghyuck grabs at the sleeves of Renjun’s jacket and tries to pry him off. 

“Not till you hit me!” Renjun insists, clinging onto the boy, grabbing and pulling at him to annoy him best he can to get a reaction.

“I’m not going to hit you!” Donghyuck yells. The two boys spin in inelegant, rough circles on the grass, trying to push and pull at one another.

“Punch me or you got no balls!” Renjun yowls and then finally feels the blow to his face that sends him flying to the ground.

He pauses for a bit because his head spins for a solid ten seconds. He shakes it vigorously to get it to focus and it helps because then he looks up to find a very startled and distressed Donghyuck looking down at him, fist still raised in the air.

“That had more throw than power.” Renjun comments, massaging his jaw.

“Yeah, that’s what I was going for.” Donghyuck agrees. 

For a moment both boys nod and look at each other, acknowledging the technique and form of the punch. And then, they burst into laughter because fuck, all of this was so stupid. Renjun rolls on the grass and Donghyuck doubles over as he stands. Then he offers Renjun his hand to help him get up, which he takes eagerly, using it to lift up and fling himself into his friend’s arms. They hold each other strongly, thumping one another on the back. And just like that, the awkwardness is gone. All that was meant to be said has been said and now Renjun is no longer struggling to find his words. They come easily, because all of this is so natural. He was with his best friend, after all.

“You are a crazy motherfucker, you know that, right?” Donghyuck comments, shaking his head as they sit back down on the bench.

Renjun chuckles, then looks at the grass, because his head hangs in shame again. “I’m a sorry motherfucker.”

Donghyuck puts an arm around Renjun and thumps his back again. “You should be sorry, you dumb fuck. But also, you’ve got a pretty toxic coping mechanism, you know that, right?”

Renjun sighs long “I know. The longer I think about it, the dumber I feel.”

He expects his friend to make a joke in return but he feels his hesitation. So he looks up and finds Donghyuck trying to think of what to say. “Have you ever thought about… like sorting that out, maybe?” he finally asks.

“Sorting it out?” Renjun asks, confused.

“Like... you know this isn’t normal, right?” Donghyuck asks, and he doesn’t sound like he’s mocking. His tone doesn’t have the slightest hint of a joke and that’s what makes Renjun realize what he’s talking about.

“No… no, I haven’t…” Renjun admits. He doesn’t know why he’s never thought about ‘sorting it out’. Perhaps because he’s always thought he was smarter than anyone who could offer him help.

“You could give it a try. Talking to someone really helps sometimes, you know? Getting help can help.” Donghyuck says carefully.

Renjun bites his lip. He knows his friend is right, but he’s never really, truly given it a thought. Donghyuck senses his discomfort and changes the subject.

“Your grandma is finally getting tested again tomorrow.” he says as he stretches.

Renjun smiles “Yeah. I honestly can’t believe it…” he looks at his best friend “... but I also don’t know if I’ll ever be able to thank you…”

Donghyuck frowns and shakes Renjun by the shoulder “Stop it before I throw up.”

“I mean it.”

“I’ll throw up even if you mean it.”

“Donghyuck…”

“Okay, really, stop. Also, I’m not even the one you should be thanking. Or apologizing to.” Donghyuck sits back after he’s had his fill of shaking Renjun.

“Of course, you’re the one I should be thanking and apologizing to, you stupid. You did all of this for me even when I was an absolute asshole to you.” Renjun presses.

“You are an asshole, but you’re also a dumb asshole.” Donghyuck declares.

“Hey, I’m trying to apologize nicely, here.” Renjun pouts and his friend lets out a long, exasperated sigh.

“I thought you were just being obtuse but you seriously don’t know…” Donghyuck shakes his head.

“Know what?” Renjun asks and Donghyuck shrugs and acts like a little shit which annoys Renjun, but at the same time fills him with relief. Because Donghyuck being a little shit to him means their friendship has been restored to its original state. But he asks again “Know what?!”

“Dude, no offense or anything, but did you really think your parents can put your grandma in a private room all on their own?” Donghyuck asks.

Renjun stops a bit. He’d been so worried about the fact that his grandma’s life was hanging by a thread that he hadn’t even thought about the expenses part. He knows his grandma had a little bit in savings, but his parents for sure didn’t earn that much. Come to think of it, he hadn’t even realized that this was one of the nicer hospitals around.

“Fuck it, I’m really going to have to spell it out for you. Since your brain doesn’t seem to be working.” Donghyuck sighs dramatically.

“What?”

“Dude. This is Y/N’s parents’ hospital. Your mother couldn’t possibly keep taking care of your grandma all on her own, now could she? When Y/N found out, she went crazy. She made her parents direct all their best resources into taking care of your grandma.”

For a while, the information hangs in the air.

Renjun had thought that he would never get to feel things that were new and unexplainable ever again. He thought he had experienced every single feeling his body had to offer. The past month alone had put him through more emotions than he had experienced in his whole life. He had seen it all, felt it all.

But what he’s experiencing right now doesn’t feel like gratitude or shame or longing or anything one should expect to feel in a situation like this. It just feels like a soft light has filled his chest and is lifting him in the air. He feels like he’s floating, like he’s having an out of body experience. 

“Oh,” is the only thing he can manage to say.

And then he remembers your face. He hadn’t realized it then, but he sees now how badly he had wanted to see you that night. He had wanted no one but you to hold him and kiss him and tell him that he wasn’t alone. And he remembers how he couldn’t tell you any of that. He remembers how you had walked away with another man. 

And that makes him come back to earth. He feels a resigned sort of sadness.

“Y/N is… she would do that for anybody, wouldn’t she?” Renjun smiles sadly.

“She probably would. But you should’ve seen how worried she was. Even now, she is on the phone everyday with her parents, making sure they’re doing everything they can. She didn’t want what happened to her grandmother to happen to yours.” Donghyuck tells him.

Renjun looks up “What happened to her grandmother?”

Donghyuck raises his eyebrows. “She passed away from Covid last year?” His eyebrows go higher still “She says she’s told you about this?”

Renjun thinks, and then it’s as if a veil on his memory is slowly but poorly being lifted. He remembers laying his head on your shoulder. He remembers feeling your shirt dampen from his tears. He remembers your fingers drawing relaxing patterns in his hair. He remembers your soothing voice, speaking to him with such tenderness that Renjun had barely heard your words and had focused instead on it’s sweet tones. But now, when Renjun is forcing himself to think, he very foggily recalls what you had been saying. You had been telling him about your own grandmother. Why hadn’t Renjun listened? Why did Renjun never listen when you spoke? He was such a selfish, arrogant fool. He wishes he could go back and change it all. 

Donghyuck shakes his head. “Are you really….” he sighs again, “Nevermind. But yeah, she basically went nuts because she couldn’t be here with you.”

Renjun’s heart is aching and he’s pretty sure his face reflects it. “I wish I could take it all back. Everything I did to her.”

“You can take it back.” Donghyuck says.

“How?” 

“Apologize to her, you dummy.” Donghyuck smacks the back of his head.

“How? I tried calling her once but she didn’t pick up.” Renjun admits.

“Then you should call her again and again and again till it sticks.” Donghyuck says plainly and it makes so much fucking sense that Renjun is embarrassed that he hadn’t thought it.

“Yeah, but…” Renjun swallows, “... it doesn’t really matter now, does it?”

“What do you mean?” Donghyuck asks.

“She’s with Wong Hendery now. So…” Renjun can’t even complete the thought.

“What do you mean she’s with Wong Hendery?” Donghyuck scrunches his brows deep in his forehead in confusion.

“She left with him for the semester break. I went to see her… but she left with him…” Renjun presses his lips together.

“Wait…” Donghyuck says and Renjun looks up and nods at him as if to confirm the fact. But he sees something entirely different on his friend’s face. It’s an expression of deep dumbfoundedness. “... are you some sort of an idiot?” He asks like Renjun is the dimmest person he has ever come across.

And Renjun doesn’t help his cause because he only blinks in return.

“Dude! She’s not ‘with Wong Hendery,’” Donghyuck gets up and smacks Renjun across the head once again. “They’re partners on the SMK Trainee Drive. She’s literally been preparing for this for months? Shouldn’t you know this?”

Renjun blinks some more. SMK Trainee Drive? Renjun had heard and personally seen you preparing for interviews and these drives. But somehow a lot of it hadn’t registered in his brain. Once again, probably because he never listened to you well. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, he was an idiot. He was the biggest idiot on the planet.

Yet right now, he was a smiling idiot whose heart was suddenly filling with hope. “She’s not… with… she’s not with Hendery?” Renjun is embarrassed. He feels so fucking stupid asking this, but he absolutely can’t help the smile spreading across his face.

“She’s literally at the tower right now. She’s been stuck because we went into lockdown whilst she was there. It’s why she couldn’t come and see you. But the highway doesn’t open for another week, so she’ll be stuck till then.” Donghyuck explains, and Renjun feels his heart exploding with joy at every word. He’s pretty sure he’s grinning shamelessly. 

“Why do I know more about your girlfriend than you do? Oh wait. It's because 'she's not your girlfriend.’” Donghyuck does a perfectly exaggerated mimicry of Renjun that reminds him of that one SpongeBob meme. On a normal day, he would’ve wanted to smack his friend for doing this. But in this moment, he is all too happy to be the one being smacked and mocked.

Renjun laughs with relief, then finds his laugh fading a bit. “Do you think she’ll forgive me? For everything I did?”

“I don’t know, man. But you wouldn’t know unless you try.” Donghyuck once again states something that should be obvious.

“How do I try if she’s not picking up my calls? And when she won’t even be here for another week?” Renjun sulks a bit but gets smacked in the head again.

“Dude! She literally did everything in the world to help your grandma, and she was in a wholeass different city! She did that all for you! I’m sure you can figure out a simple apology.” Donghyuck has his arms crossed and is now seriously looking agitated with him and it makes Renjun smile.

“She really did that for me?” Renjun asks and he doesn’t even care if he sounds like a cheesy motherfucker. He doesn’t even care he’s being this way in front of Lee Donghyuck who probably won’t let him live it down for the rest of his life.

“Of course she did that for you, you idiot.” Renjun earns another smack at the end of that.

“Does she like me?” Renjun asks like a stupid, hopeful teenage boy.

Donghyuck pretends to gag and moves away in disgust. But then he sees Renjun’s expression and lets out a long, irritated exhale. “Of course she likes you, you dumb fuck.” Renjun gets hit in the head, “Why would she do all of this if she didn’t like you?” Renjun gets another smack, “Oh Lord, please give me the strength to not commit murder. I am not your strongest soldier…” Donghyuck looks up at the sky and Renjun laughs openly, freely and lightly. He feels as if all the knots in his chest are slowly being undone one by one. So he jumps up and tries to tackle and cuddle Donghyuck but he keeps moving away. The two boys run around in the ground, Renjun chasing Donghyuck, trying to attack him with his love while he complains that his hair smells.

And Renjun accepts all his insults with a newly healed heart. You liked him. Despite everything that he’d done to you, you liked him. You had worried about him and done everything in your power to help his grandma. You had kept tabs on her and made sure she was healing even though you were miles away. You liked him, and you weren’t with a new guy and you liked him.

As he walks back towards the hospital with his arm around his best friend’s shoulders, he decides that if it came to it that he had to beg and grovel for your forgiveness, he would happily spend the rest of his life on his knees. Because you liked him and Renjun was never going to let you go ever again.

True to his word (for maybe the first time in your relationship), Renjun spends the rest of the week trying to reach you. Because his apology tour wouldn’t be complete without his most important stop--you.

He calls you so many times; but each time, he only gets to hear the dial tone and the mechanical voice telling him that the user is unreachable at the moment. You never pick up.

But his mind and his spirit is fueled by Donghyuck’s advice, and this time, the advice is a lot more sound and a lot less exploitative. So, Renjun doesn’t give up because he has to make it stick. You had never given up on him. He wasn’t going to give up on you. When he’s sure you won’t pick up his calls, he leaves you a string of messages.

‘Hey, Y/N. I’m trying to call you. Please pick up?’

‘I know you have every right to be mad at me, but I just need a chance to apologize.’

‘I’m seriously the biggest idiot in the world, but I need to tell you that in person.’ 

‘Okay, I’m coming to you.’

‘Turns out I can’t just negotiate with the police to let me cross the city lines to get to the girl I like.’

‘Y/N, please…’

‘I’m the world’s sorriest and the most embarrassed motherfucker and I need to hear your voice to tell you that.’

‘I am Berry-Berry sorry, and I’m just asking for one chance to get to talk to you.

‘I’m not going to stop, you know?’

He has to admit that his patience is wearing thin. Because he’s trying every method and none of it is working; and also because his pride had never allowed him to beg and grovel to anyone before. It’s a humbling experience, but at the same time, he doesn’t feel burdened by it. This was for you. The girl who had done everything in her power to make him fall. The girl who had given him more love and kindness than anyone else in the world had. The girl who had taken his troubles and worries as her own. So, of course, he had to do everything in his power to earn your forgiveness.

But as he’s sitting in his room, trying to call you for what he’s sure is the twentieth time that day, he hears that your phone has been powered off. For a moment, Renjun feels immensely dispirited. Maybe he had lost you for good. Maybe you never wanted to hear from him ever again. Maybe this is what he deserved.

But in the next moment, Renjun stops himself. No. He wasn’t going to let his mind spiral that way again. He had to think with a good, clear mind. He couldn’t sit around and sulk without knowing he had explored all possible options. He needed to get creative and for that, he needed to think.

He could certainly wait it out till the week was over and when you’d be back. But he wanted to spend each passing minute letting you know that he was trying. So, that wasn’t an option.

Maybe he could look at the map and find some loopholes and secret passageways across the city. Surely, some of them had to be unmanned so he could break the lockdown law and get to you? That would certainly be impactful, being locked up in jail as a grand gesture of an apology. But Renjun was no action hero.

Renjun sits and thinks and thinks and thinks till a light bulb finally goes off. Of course. A grand gesture. He yells into his pillow out of excitement and frustration that he hadn’t thought of this before. If one thing had been established during this time, it was the fact that Renjun was a dumb fuck with a penchant for being blind to the obvious. 

He gets up bright and early the next morning and rushes to see your friend at her apartment. He sits beside her as her online class starts, away from the camera view and finds his heart filling with the utmost warmth as he sees your window finally appear on the screen. Even in the tiny box, you looked so freaking beautiful that for a minute, Renjun stops and stares as butterflies take over his belly. But he taps his cheek to get himself to focus. He was here on a mission.

He waits for the class to begin before he slides himself into view next to your friend and types out a message on the chat that had taken him all night to prepare. He hits ‘Send to Everyone’ and waits.

And thankfully, the professor--miraculously the same professor who had done this the very first time all that time ago--stops to read it out,

“This might be a long shot, but Y/N L/N, do you think you can find it in your heart to give me another chance?” he begins, squinting his eyes slightly in confusion as he reads on, then smiling as realization hits. “Well, that’s certainly not a question from Ms. Kim Minjeong, I can tell you that.” he jokes and waits because as it had before, this has piqued the students’ interest.

Renjun watches as your pretty eyes widen. He watches them skirt across your screen, seemingly looking for the cause of the commotion. He watches the moment of realization hitting your pretty face. And he waits.

“Well, Ms. Y/N L/N, are you going to put the young man out of his misery?” the professor jokes kindly and Renjun thinks he might die from the anticipation.

And then, he watches as you move to unmute yourself.

“Yeah, I guess I could give him another chance,” you say nonchalantly which earns you a round of applause and hoots from all other windows. Because college students will always love dramatic antics.

The professor calls the class back to attention and Renjun sits back in his chair, grinning like an idiot because the girl he had fallen for had given him another chance.

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