#i need to do a post on their philosophical differences because thats a whole fucking bag of cats thats fascinating

[huginsmemory]

Trigun and the 'Bride of Christ'

An additional thought that popped up after my previous post about Triguns heavy themes of Christianity (a somewhat? Part 2?). In this I look at the Vash and Wolfwoods relationship, their opposing views and how that relates to the Christian term 'the bride of christ'. During this I specifically discuss a large spoiler for the series/manga, so readers beware!

I was chatting with some lovely folks on the Vashwood discord server (if you wish to join, click this link!) about Wolfwoods death, and the way it's, well, wedding themed. The wedding themes include the confetti, the way Wolfwoods passing occurs in front of a church, the ringing of the church bell, and the bottle of liquor they share is labelled 'BRIDE' with a cross on it.

All the items come together in a definite way that resembles, in some terrible fashion, the festivities for a wedding. Hell, even after Vash buries Wolfwood, he makes tons of dishes of food, and Livio and him basically have a feast, another thing one does at weddings.

The 'Bride of Christ'

What particularly caught my eye was the bottle with the word bride on it, with a cross. Multiple times within the new testament, the body of the church is referred to as the 'Bride of Christ'. As I've previously mentioned, Vash is regularly set up as a Christ-like figure; his actions and his philosophical values align with a Christian perspective, in his belief in unconditional love and forgiveness (ie, the blank ticket). As well, as that Wolfwood is a Christian preist, this literally makes him a 'bride of Christ'. In a sense, where in the story Vash is pitched as a Christ-like figure, this means that Wolfwood could be interpreted as the 'bride of Vash'. This especially so considering the contextual clues that hint towards a wedding - confetti, church, and church bells.

Acceptance of Christian philosophy

Further adding to this, is that although Wolfwood was a priest, he did not fully ascribe to Vash's view. In fact, the two of them are foils, their beliefs similar- both coming from love and a need to protect, but differing in Vash ascribing to unconditional love and forgiveness, while Wolfwood refuting that such a position can be practically taken (this is, well, I would say a simplified take on their beliefs but thats a different post for a different day). However, by this point in the story, the both of them have very deeply impacted each other. In fact, this is set almost immediately after Wolfwood saves Vash from Knives, which is the the moment where Vash openly forgives Wolfwood and Wolfwood begins his acceptance of Vash's philosophical views; in that specific moment, he accepts his own absolution (explained further in my previous post).

It is exactly in Wolfwoods fight against Chapel and Livio, that Wolfwood fully (or mostly so) accepts Vash's philosophical views, expanding to accept a blank ticket/unconditional love for others. This is seen as he repeatedly chooses not to kill Chapel's hired guns, and even sharply pleading Livio to spare one of them. Indeed, previously at Vash's request, he'll shoot to injure, but he's not really shown to be particularly worried about the bandits, versus here he is actively choosing to minimize harm; exactly like we've seen Vash do, over and over and over again throughout the series. As well, the hired guns literally try to target the orphanage when they've clearly lost, and also kill one of their own when Wolfwood brings him back, telling him that they've just upped their pay- showing that they're not particularly 'redeemable' hired guns that are likely to repent and become good people. And yet, Wolfwood still chooses to try and save them.

He also specifically goes out of his way to not kill Livio, even though killing Livio would severely even out the playing field, and Wolfwood would likely not have likely died as a result. And Wolfwood makes that decision, again and again and again, only focusing on killing Chapel, and Chapel only, since he's the one that is threatening the orphans.

While Wolfwood fights, Chapel derides him on Vash's views, and how Wolfwood has picked them up. Wolfwood, close to death, reviews his relationship with Vash and Vash's philosophy, and refutes the ideology that Chapel believes in, and that he himself has lived under, that they need to kill to survive, (or to save lives) and that Vash's belief in forgiveness and unconditional love is foolish.

It culminates in Wolfwood declaring that he believes in Vash, in his principles, and standing back up to continue to fight, having accepted Vash's Christian philosophy. Interestingly, it's also Christian leaning terminology he uses; both in that he followed Vash, much like one follows the the teachings of Christ, and that he believes in the Vash's ability to change to world with his philosophy, in the same way Christians believe in Jesus's ability to save the world through the gospel.

In summary, Wolfwood chooses to accept and even says he believes in Vash's philosophical views, thereby choosing to accept the possibility of forgiveness and unconditional love, both for himself, as is shown when he saves Vash from Knives, but also for others, and especially with Livio during the scene up to his death. This full acceptance and belief in a Christian/Vash's perspective would then also show that Wolfwood has fully accepted to be the 'bride of Christ', making him not only via contextual cues a 'bride' of Vash, but also within a Christian theological sense a bride of Vash as well.

In conclusion, (ie, TLDR) Wolfwoods death is wedding themed, with confetti, a church, church bells, and a bottle with the label BRIDE with a cross on it. The church is within the Bible called the 'bride of Christ'; as Vash is a christ-figure, and Wolfwood is a priest, this would make Wolfwood Vash's bride. As well, it is just previous to Wolfwood death scene that Wolfwood has accepted Vash's Christian philosophies, signalling his acceptance as the 'bride of Christ/Vash', further perpetuating the wedding theme.

TTLDR: Vash and Wolfwood are married yup 👍

[alstroemerian-dragon]

izuru is so interesting to me conceptually. like i know in canon he’s kind of nothing unfortunately. at least in game canon, he shows up right at the end, says some eugenics-y shit, voices hajimes intrusive thoughts, and then hes gone, but. the concept of him, as hajime, but with everything that made him Hajime Hinata stripped away and buried under so much conditioning and bullshit that he cant reach it, is so. its SO. yknow.

its the whole argument about what makes us the people we are, right? if you take a person, and then erase literally all the memories they have of their own identity, are they still that person? have you taken away everything that makes them Them and made them a completely different one? how does that change, and pardon the philosophical question, their soul?

and the thing about izuru is that you can not tell me the memory repression was perfect. you can not tell me that hopes peak academy perfected the art of lobotomy so well that they completely erased every speck of hajime hinata that existed inside izuru kamukura. that boy felt what was missing he knew there was a hole the size of the fucking ocean in his head and he felt every centimeter of it. did he care? up for debate. izuru didnt seem to care about anything, really (which… i have some thoughts about his eugenics conditioning by the academy in regards to that but thats maybe another post). but i definitely think given enough time, some of that would have started to come back. maybe even after the events of the first game, when the school was open again, and junko was dead, and izuru was able to actually explore the place he was held and experimented in and look at the files, and discover his old name. something like that would definitely trigger some memory recovery, or at least a moderate breakdown of some kind.

i dont know. people have said before that izuru is kind of an interesting metaphor for depression if you think about it, and theyre right, he is. he doesnt care enough about anything in life, he doesnt care about hygiene, nothing is going to catch and hold his attention because he thinks he knows how everything in the world works so whats the point in even trying? but he isnt just a metaphor. thats who hajime was during that time. now im definitely one of the people who thinks hajime was a pretty depressed kid anyway, unable to fulfill what he thought he needed to be, constantly pressured to be something he wasnt and couldnt be. but izuru was so much worse. they gave that boy fucking. ultimate depression. super high school level depression. i definitely think the only reason izuru didnt ever do anything drastic about how utterly miserable he was is because. a lot of it was background noise to him? his brain was just blocked off so those triggers were unable to fire? and because. to be honest. thats truly so much work. especially with the reflexes and instincts and empowerment the experiments gave him. and junko’s despair was just intriguing enough to keep him moving

its just something i think about. if someone had been willing or able to just. talk to izuru and offer him a hand. understand that he was hurting and that he didnt have to be. that just because there were holes in his identity didnt mean he couldnt create his own pieces to fit into them. i truly think that if he’d had that kind of presence during the tragedy his brain would have unlocked itself. maybe not all the memories would come back, but he’d be able to feel stuff again at least. and thats… something.

[scrambled-eggsed]

I posted 4,481 times in 2022

490 posts created (11%)

3,991 posts reblogged (89%)

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I tagged 1,792 of my posts in 2022

#personal - 168 posts

#i really need a save tag - 20 posts

#last words - 16 posts

#prev - 15 posts

#the owl house - 13 posts

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Longest Tag: 136 characters

#וגם יש איזה התפתחות מוזרה של המילה שגרמה לזה שחשמל זאת המילה שלנו לחשמל. כי בתרגום השבעים זה תורגם במשמעות של 'ענבר' ואז בעזרת אבני ענבר

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Mr. Stoker didn't point it out in the entry but the day on which they confronted lucy in the graveyard was the day she was supposed to marry arthur. Man

184 notes - Posted September 29, 2022

#4

The house falling apart after Laszlo lived there with only Creepy Child Colin Robinson for a year is the best example for that one post that was like "girlboss manslut couple. She's slaying he's fucking nobody's doing the housework"

243 notes - Posted July 13, 2022

#3

i was writing a REALLY long post and lost the point like six times through it so i deleted everything and will say this instead

it is SO important to me that hamlet is thirty years old. i know it works amazingly well for him to be a teenager, and it is such a sympathetic reading of him as a character, but i still think it glosses over really important parts of his place in the story

basically, what i could try and fail to say with a whole essay, is that hamlet is not a dramatic emo teenager. he is a dramatic emo ADULT. and i dont mean to say he is stupid or ridiculous or whatever! maybe a bit but only because he is so out of place. but thats my POINT - he is a fully fledged adult. as a grown and developed human being, he is a gentle, philosophical, even a poetic person. and he was so abruptly ripped from his own world, from the sure path he was on - you gotta remember he was actually headed somewhere. he was studying at university, he had ophelia, he had horatio. he was his own man! and the play only BEGINS with him basically being trapped back in his hometown - a place he doesnt even like! - with his family, to which he has essentially become a stranger

as much as it is painfully relatable to think of hamlet as a teen, him being an adult is such a big part of his character. even just about his existential crisis - not a teenager in a terrible situation who comes to face the horrors of life and death, but rather an adult, whose steady and familiar (and above all else imo, CHOSEN AND SELF-MADE) life crumbles completely in about a month. from this point onwards i could only offer a standard hamletrant but truly i think his actions and decisions and difficulties are all so deeply rooted in him being an adult man who was placed in the middle of. well. The Tragedy Of Hamlet, Prince Of Denmark. and had to face the truly empty darkness that replaced the sure future he thought for decades he was going to have

250 notes - Posted July 26, 2022

#2

Eda and Raine and Lilith and Darius and Alador etc etc etc's few years (bc some of them are different ages) in hexide are so unbelievably successful?? Imagine you and your classmates become 3 out of the 9 heads of the ruling organizations in the land, including The Main One, and two become rich and well known entrepreneurs, and one becomes public enemy number one. Like what. That's Statistically Impressive

1,001 notes - Posted April 27, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

It is so fucking funny to me how the celebration of the one year ever given anniversary is relatively. Tame? Like usually tumblr holidays flood your entire dash but ive seen maybe two posts. March last year was so disconnected from the timeline we didnt register it as "march, from which a year will pass on The Next March". Time truly went kgldkskfkskfjalfjchskakfhsj- THERES A BOAT STUCK IN THE CANAL -jskdjakfkakfkakgkbkbkkvkck..d.fncjvmc.....

4,640 notes - Posted March 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[3xc3lsior]

Okay since hearing your thoughts about the newest peaky episodes has been a true Highlight for the last few weeks, I got to ask (sorry if you have already written a post about that i have missed it) what do you think about Tommy's whole plot line with mosely, fucking Diana and that whole speach how he belongs with them? Do you think it's an act and how in you opinion does he fit in this political climate

Awh sweetheart!! Hello and thank u omg. Not only for your kind words but for the question as well bc i haven't gotten to talk about it yet actually but have been ruminating on it and now have the perfect reason all bc of u so again!! <3 <3 thank you love you

the thesis of all of this is/will be basically that no, its not an act, tommy does genuinely believe hes as monstrous as these horrifically evil people, and the ONLY difference is that he feels guilty for it whereas the 'true' villains do not.

i know you mentioned the politics, but this is going to get v philosophical v fast bc i think thats the actual driving influence with tommy and in the show at large- its less about the application/implementation than it is the theory (sk messes with historical fact too much for the actual alliances and platforms to really have much hold over the focus of the show. its much more metaphorical and, again, philosophical. and also again bc of tommy, but i'm getting into that)

tom has proven that he takes an incredibly utilitarian approach to politics and basically aligns himself with whatever party and whomever figure can gain him the most influence. utilitarian isn't exactly accurate as his motivations tend to be so egocentric, i'll circle back to that. the point is that people get confused abt his political 'agenda', as it were, bc i think they approach it (and tommys character in general, tbh) from the wrong angle. tommy does not see politics as politics, or relationships as relationships, or even, really, morality as right and wrong. tommy views absolutely everything as war. love, business, life and death, its all one thing and therefore it is all approached in one way (a way that most people do not interpret, like a language only a few can speak, or, you know, a paralyzing coping mechanism). and the rules of war are VERY different bc they are so completely removed from morality, and we know that bc of this, tommy chooses (i use that word lightly) at act in whatever way he needs to in order to Win. its strategy and game, which he enjoys, and he would i think be drawn to a pragmatic worldview no matter his life experiences, but now the consequences of his choices and his mentality that he cannot remove himself from are reminding him that in war you have to be prepared to sacrifice everything, and he still is, so he does. thats what we see with the nazis, esp with tommy drinking whisky at the end of the epsiode, polly, lizzie, and ruby gone, with a tumor in his skull, realizing for the first time that in order to win he has actually lost.

since tommy is and has been making these hedonistic, battlefield choices and constantly re-experiencing all of his initial trauma (how he says he never came back from the war, is it another war you're looking for, the way he keeps seeing the first man he killed) we're reminded that although he does terrible things, our desired criteria for moral justification of these actions has never actually applied if it ever was. i'm not going to argue about the level of responsibility that should be given to him based on the fact that he is also completely addicted to this black and white, PTSD induced perspective, where he requires no more reason than 'its them or us', but its called egoism and the tenets are basically because we fucking can, and if we can, we do. (i also think he was drawn to grace bc she was similar to him in that way- that she would do whatever it took to get what she wanted/to win, and any and all moral consequences were immaterial bc winning is all that matters, but thats a tangent). the ends justify the means for him as long as shit is going his way, because if shit doesn't go his way, he's probably already dead. thats what war is. but now he's losing, and has lost, and thought that he had no limitations and went fully icarus towards the sun and had been for YEARS, has been since the war he never came out of. until now. until the scales start to tip and the fog starts to lift and he realizes you can only go so far into the darkness for so long until you never see the light again. tommy is self aware enough that im sure he knows this and had simply accepted it for a long time bc there was no other alternative and nothing could ever really prevent it so he just did "what he had to do, pol." which was whatever it took, in everything. and bc he was so willing to sink to whatever level necessary to achieve xyz and he had his battlefield blinders on like a warhorse, the answer was always yes, like ada said, and we as a viewer were never REALLY forced to consider his morality bc its a tv show and hes just a character and none of it is real, and neither was tommy, bc he just kept fucking winning.

and then came the nazis. a subject that rightfully forces the audience to both see and judge tommy for something we can't avoid the gravity of, something that, for the first time, we are forced to relate to, because nazis are fucking real. and all of a sudden, with this layer of reality and inescapability added to his character, both the audience and tommy himself are made to look the truth in the eye. and the truth is that he's always done whatever he wanted, because he could afford it. the same way diana does mostly whatever she wants. the same way mosley says for those who write the rules, there are no rules. the way tatiana told him he realize that he could do anything without any repercussions, and it was all. true. it was all true, and he did. no limitations. so he is either EXACTLY as bad as everyone at the metaphorical table if you choose to define 'bad' as result of action. the only difference lies in the intent, which a lot of philosophers argue is just as imperative (tommy disagrees, but he doesn't want to/wishes he didn't, and personally i think that makes all the difference).

so his actions, including the political ones, are machiavellian. the intent, however, the answer to the moral question, the weight of a soul, hasn't been answered. we know what he's done, but we still don't really know WHY, and im not sure tommy does yet either. i think we got the biggest glimpse of it during not the fascist dinner scene but the one with Arthur's sober sponsor guy whose name i forget rn, when tommy pulls the gun and says he keeps living the life bc he can't leave the rush behind. like, that was the realest tommy has ever been about his motivations maybe ever. he has never admitted anything like that out loud before, but i (and i think a lot of us) have known that at his core, he is an addict. and jack nelson says he's 'like mr shelby, can't leave the sport behind' or whatever. so the answer to the question of intent could very well be that tommy does deserve to sit at that table in every single way and has brought it entirely upon himself and we've always known that that was a possibility, we were just never actually faced with it until he's murdering women and fucking nazis and as usual pulling all the stops but still (and perhaps rightfully) Losing with a capital L. it it question of deserving and it is a question of redemption and it is a question of intent and belief and the very bottom line of it is the only reason it isn't true is that tommy is only better than the people he opposes bc of the guilt he claims to not possess. the point of the whole season is penance. there's nothing more catholic than regret, and that imagery is everywhere, so you're rlly not supposed to know how you feel about any of it or how tommy feels about any of it bc like linda said, he's making up his mind.

[memoirs-to-myself]

The World Can Be Tricked Re;DUX

This has been one lackluster journal, blog, whatever, hasn’t it? What started as a simple way to cowardly way to vent, went to daily reports, occasional pics and posts, and long absences due to actual journaling in late 2014-early 2015 (which are sadly lost, more on that later), then lack of interest, computer availability, and last but not least, tumblr taking the crapper (yes 2011 me, I know, insane right?)

What was my point, again? I had a point writing this, right? Oh yes, the memoirs, right. 

I’ve always been, well, kind of different. I experience the world in a different sense than most people. If you’re reading this, chances are you already know that. One of the ways I like to view the world, ever since I was a little kid, was like a book series. Sometimes video game series, or a long movie series, but book series seemed to appeal to me more. Probably because of the length. I would always wonder to myself as a kid,” Is this my backstory? How many books am I already in? Has my story begun?” The thought has never really left me. “If my life were a book series, where would the first book start” Kind of a hard philosophical question of you think about it. Well, I think I have an answer, or at least one to give a purpose to this blog and possibly give it a future. 

Let’s say my story started the moment I created this “secret blog”. I know, I know, there are plenty of important defining moments before I created this blog, and for all intents and purposes, those can all be my prequels. But the actual start of my mind library, or memoirs-to-myself (get the blog name? My mind’s been secretly planning this for years) is February 2, 2012. Excellent, now we have a starting point for my first book. And it just so happens be the starting point of this blog, oh my goodness, how convenient. 

You might be asking yourself, “Hey Zach, How does this book series metaphor even work?” and I say, excellent question, trusted friend and/or future Zach! (Thanks for playing along buddy) I think of the “series” as my entire life, from start to finish, the “books” are the major stages of my life, possibly as childhood, adulthood, and retirement for example, “chapters” to being long stretches of time, “pages” being big moments on a smaller scale. That’s normally how I structure my life as I think back on it. I know, I’m a weird one, right?     

But why start the books here, almost 17 years into my life already? Well, this is around the time I believe I started thinking for myself and becoming my own person. The start of who I am today, so to speak. However, I know I’ll want to chronicle the 16 years prior, and for that, I’ll probably view that as my prequel or backstory, if you will, so it stills stays within my book series motif. That story is for another time though, because I need to get to my point and I’ve already spent 45 MINUTES (oh my god) writing this part up and I don’t think i’m even close to done. 

God have mercy.

The point being is that I believe the first book of my life is over. And if this blog is all a representation of that, then it is a poor one. I would like to fill in some gaps, clarify a few moments and memories that need proper spotlight. After all, I didn’t know I was in some of the best times of my life. And some of my worst. How could I? I want to use this blog as a library of sorts for my memories for as long as I can, and to do that, I need to redo the chronicling of my first book “The World Can Be Tricked”. Hence the ReDUX in the name of the title. This post will be a timeline of sorts of the important events that happened in that book. Everything before this post was written from me from the perspective of that book. This a retelling of the events after time has past. I plan to do these for all my “books” as a therapeutic way to reminisce and grow.

So without further ado, Let’s ReDUX:

2012- Wow. What a year. ZachZachMoore at his finest. I actually take back what I said earlier, this is a great place to start my story. The year I turned 17, the height of my high school career, the year I thought I fell in love. Already best friends with Jeffrey, Bloo at the time. Thats when I met Alex, Duff, Satiel, and even Kieth. Being a teenager was wild. Back then, I was still heavily involved with my youth group, wanted to be a youth pastor, was Prof. Plum in Clue, star performer in show choir, and was section leader when our marching band did Mechanize, the most successful show DCHS ever put on. It’s the year I became a senior, which is eventful on it’s own. Minecraft came out, friends had cars. It’s also the year where I didn’t get a lead in my last musical but all my theater friends did, the year I got my heart broken, and the year I started smoking pot. A year of beginnings alright and the peak of my teenage years. I had no idea where my rollercaster life was going, but I knew I was on top of the peak. You can say I was not ready for the first loop

2013- The first month of 2013 of was pretty normal. I was transiting from PC gaming from my ancient XP (rip sims 3) to modern (ish) console gaming due to my new XBox 360 and 3DS. My terrible school future had a light at the end of the tunnel, with moving going to the DEC, giving me a easy way to catch up on  credits and not having to be at school all day. Things were looking good for me. Then Mom and I lost our home. Due to new management, and my mom having a terrible payment plan with the old management, we were evicted on the spot, had 24 hours to move. It was traumatic to say the least. I had lived there for over 7 years, it was the closest thing I had to a childhood home, that and my grandparents house. And in a night, it was gone. I didn’t even get to truly say goodbye. After that, Mom and I moved in with Grandma Judy, and Aunt Tami. It was not ideal. I kind of just shut down the rest of the school year after that. I barely talked to my family, started partying when I could, slacked off on my studies, lost faith in my religion (found Danganronpa and Nico B, but didn’t fully engage in them. Yet) . And then I was 18, laying in a dorm bed at Olivet Nazarene University for Celebrate Life 2013. I was laying there, thinking about my future. If things went as I had planned up to this point, then by this time next year, I would be laying here. but as a student, in the next stage of my life. It didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel right. Then I had graduated. I still missing some credits but I essentially scammed my way through and got a diploma anyway. That marks the start of the summer of 2013, my post graduate summer. Yes, I got fucked up. That was also the start of the Dope Fam, a collection of friends we had in school and just people that were in our class. They taught us to smoke cigs, party hard, and “trip” on triple C’s. Bad influences to be sure but hey. So were we. Then, on July 19th, I had on of the worst experinces of my life. I refer to it as the incident, and I plan on giving it a whole post in itself at some point. For now, now it was a “bad trip” of sorts, and it truly terrified me to the core. This whole first book is about me transitioning for a child to an adult, but this moment truly gave me a head start. It is definitely the start of my depression, even if I didn’t know it at the time. Moving on, this cycle of partying and staying at Papaws continued all throughout the year, I even practically moved in during the fall. But by the end of the year, I was back at my Grandmas, with my mom

2014- Once again, the start of the year was pretty much the same as last year. There wasn’t a real change til around April, when I officially moved into Papaw’s camper with Jeffrey, and started working with him in Landscaping. That lasted until it didn’t. We had sorta moved out of Papaw’s at that point, and were staying at a value hotel, when we weren’t partying at D-Mo’s, but without jobs, we couldn’t afford to stay there anymore. We stayed at Alex’s a bit, starting the three of us calling each goons (showed us death note, started my love on anime), re found Danganronpa and binged it to it’s sequel, securing my taste in Japanese storytelling, bought my iphone 5s, my first phone I 100% bought for myself, and moved into Jennifer’s garage in Ingalls in the middle of the summer, in the middle of nowhere, to the point where I didn’t get service for my new phone. At this point, Alex got us a Job working at the Marriott. Satiel worked there also. Around September, my depression was in full swing and I was convinced I was going to die at 19 because I was going to kill myself (Only thing that stopped myself was that I haven’t played KH3). Dark times indeed. Jeffrey wasn’t faring too hot either, with every girl under the sun taking advantage of him. He even got a cat, Jamenson. We needed a change or we were going to suffocate. So we did. On the final days of November, Jeffrey and I moved into our first apartment together, off of Ditch Road, at the Northwest Retreat, bare bones and broke as fuck, referred to now as “THE apartment”. We viewed it at the start of a new chapter. We had no idea how right we were

2015 Part 1: Part 1? As if this wasn’t long enough?!?! I’m sorry, but there’s such a drastic shift in my life in the middle of 2015 that I have to split it up. It’s also a good place to visualize the middle of my first book, so that’s a plus. Anyway, sometime in January, Eric started working at the Marriott. We befriended him immediately (Do you smoke? Smoke What?) and invited him over to the apartment. We quickly learned that his best friend named Richie lived in the same apartment and also invited him over. This is the start of the Goon Squad, a pre-evolution of the family I have now. For the majority of the first half of the year, Alex, Eric, Rico, Satiel, Jeffrey, and I spent our days chilling and smoking, not giving a damn about anything. This is when we decided we all true friends for each other. But working at the Marriott was brutal, non rewarding, and ridiculous and after 8 months, I caved and quit, promising a new job. After awhile, everyone quit, Alex moved in for a month, and we partied even harder. But we dropped all responsibilities, started acting like kids again. At this point in my depression, I was convinced I was trash and didn’t have a personal reason to exist in this world, except for KH3, which wasn’t much. So I just ran with my life at that moment, living for the Goon Squad. It was enough for me so I didn’t think of the Consequences. And so, in July, we were evicted from THE apartment. Jeffrey moved back to his mom’s. And I, along with Jamenson, who I essentially adopted at that point, moved back to mine, who had gotten a small one bedroom apartment, and had poor communication with me, which was all my fault, due to me being upset that all of my childhood belongings were lost, which was also my fault really. It was not a good time. Then it was June.

2015 Part 2: My mom asks me to get a job. I pretend to try and don’t. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything, for anyone. I felt abandoned by the very people I started to live for, though I now imagined they felt the same way. My relationship with my mom had changed  drastically with me being 19, and I hadn’t felt fully comfortable with that change, let alone living with alcoholism again. I couldn’t enjoy any of my interests anymore, and I had no reason to move forward, even to help my mom, which I knew was selfish and I punished myself for it, causing an endless cycle of self hate. My depression was in full swing again. My friends weren’t faring better. Eric and Rico could barely show up to all our gatherings when we could have them, so they felt as if they were being forgotten. Satiel thought we were all moving on, Alex felt like a cheafur, I felt abandoned, and Jeffrey felt so thrown away, he dated the worst girl alive. ugh. Then Jeffrey got sick. Very sick. It was very possible he could die. It brought us to our senses that we were being petty and needed to come together. It was frightening and eye opening. When Jeffrey woke up, we all promised again to always be there for each other. I felt like things were looking up. The next night, I watched my grandma die. Yeah. The next night. My family was a mess of emotions. I could barely feel a thing. As I've stated, I sort just shut down when I can’t process things. That wasn’t an option this time, as I had my mother to think about. So I only turned off part of myself, except I don’t know if I ever turned it back on again. I’ve never enjoyed celebrating my birthday after that, since they’re so close. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten over it. I don’t know if I ever will. My mom got some money back and wanted to do something great with it, so at least something positive can come out of this dark time. So, she fulfilled my long time childhood dream of owning a laptop. With that, I was back into the PC world. To be strong for my mom, I knew I had to sort something out with myself. so I found new interests, mainly Danganronpa and Nico B, learning that I can be passionate about something nerdy and not be alone, raising my spirits greatly. At this point, Jeffrey broke it off with {nameredacted} and moved in with me and my mom, and we all started moving forward again.

2016 - Oh boy. I knew 2016 was one of the books when I was living it but hot damn, this might be the best year of my life so far. So many good memories, friend building, family making, litest time ever. It’s the year Jeffrey met Krista, Rico met Rachael, Alex found Nico, Duff officially joined the group, Keith came back for a bit, Taylor showed up in our lives, I turned 21, and so, so, many snapchats. Raccoon Lake, Duff’s garage, Rico’s parents house, Alex’s car in my parking lot. We all hung out as much as we could. 2015 is when we became friends, a squad. 2016 is when we became family. So many memories that I could go on and on and on. Zero Time Dilemma came out that year. Nico played Kingdom Hearts and fell in love. I found Steins;Gate, arguably the greatest story ever written. 2016 wasn’t without it’s bad though. I still couldn’t keep a job, and I wasn’t doing my mom any favors by letting her take care of me. 2016 was the year I “dated” Cheyenne and stopped looking for something romantic, feeling that it wasn’t for me. I was so caught up in trying to like my life again, I didn’t realize the sacrifices people were making for me to even get the time to think about it. Alas, I was blissfully ignorant, living in the glow of 21-ness. The year passed with no real page turners. Just good memories.

2017- Kingdom Hearts 2.8 is coming out, the final piece of the puzzle before Kingdom Hearts 3. I need a PS4 to play both, so I guilt trip my drunk mom to buy me one, even though she definitely couldn’t afford it. At this point, I was still feeling like my mom still owned me something due to her alcoholism in my life, without realizing that even if that was true, she had paid that due and i was practically stealing from her at this point. Not gonna lie, I was kind of a shit this year. I just couldn’t see it at the time. With my PS4, I could play with mostly all the Goons, starting the co-oping time of my gaming life, directly leading me to Paragon, starting my competitive part of my gaming life, which I was sorely behind on. I was working warehouse to warehouse to appease my mom but not staying long enough to actually help her at all. Triple C’s weren’t cutting it anymore so Rico and I tried Acid, and Jeffrey and Krista tried Molly and we shared our results with the class. We finally found our party drug, and I finally got some closure on the incident. Jeffrey and Krista moved in together, after he proposed to her, and we made it our new trip central. I started streaming my gameplay and actually giving serious thought towards a future career in gaming. Then, in October, my mom and I got into a fight. A really bad one. I named it “The fight that ended” and I’ll probably explain that name and the event in detail in a later post. For now, It was a fight that made us realize that we couldn’t live together anymore. “We weren’t good for each other” she said. So she threw me out. Jeffrey and Krista took a shattered me back to their place. They said I could stay there but their lease was up in a month  so we would all have to make quick plans. I knew at this point that I had changed into something I didn’t want to be, someone that hurt the ones he loved. That had to change. And now was a good as time as ever. So, the Goons made plans to move in together. And by plans, I mean threw all their chips in the pot and hoped for a flush. I got seriously employed, sold my laptop so I could have move in money, hardened myself for the journey. I was still shook from the fight with my mom but I had to grow so I stopped feeling and just moved. Through some divine power, we got our wish, and on November 22, Duff, Alex, Rico, Jeffrey, Krista, and I moved into the “Goon Pent”, a penthouse apartment in Castleton. A dream we all shared since THE apartment, had finally been realized. We were at an all time high, we were adults and we were making it work, together. After a rocky end, we were looking towards the future with hopeful eyes.

2018 - For the first 3 months of our lease, everything was cream and peaches. We all had jobs we were serious about, we were drinking or tripping every weekend  in our own place, we kept the place clean and every one was one their own shit, Alex started dating Shelby, we even re branded the Goon Squad, to Goon Tang Clan, adding more members and friends we made along the years. Then I had an observed pee test which I couldn’t do, quit my job as a result, and wound up in the same place mentally as I was 3 months prior. I realized I hadn’t changed at all and in a cycle of self hate, I started doing the same thing I was doing at my mom’s: nothing. Duff fell into the same strut, Rico had an unreliable job, Krista and Jeffrey couldn’t find a job they could tolerate so they sold pot to make up the difference, which was also unreliable, making Alex having to cover the differences all the time. Things were starting crack, figuratively and literally, as we learned out penthouse wasn’t so luxurious as it was made out to be. We learned that while we were all great friends, we weren’t the greatest roommates to each other. We distracted ourselves with a month long stream, Taylor moving in, Paragon’s death, but by May, we were starting to get shitty with each. Me really getting shitty with me, cause at this point I had pawned all my stuff, and owned all my friends money. I had nothing to show for it and it was my birthday soon? No. I’ve had enough of doing nothing to just do something for a little while to make me feel better to just quit. I wanted to be someone my friends could depend  on, after all the time I had depended on them. I didn’t need to be some superstar person to be of use to them. Even if I was a shitty person, I could still do this. I realized this world can be tricked, that I could have issues and still make it through life. And so, for the first time in a long time, and truly did something. On the eve of my 23rd birthday, I got employed and worked all summer. I cleaned up the house without compliant. I helped others with bills and help found jobs for others. I paid back all my debts and got my PS4 back, albeit with no games, forcing me to truly build a gaming library all by myself with no ties to my mother, I was never late or missed a day at work during that time, using my self hatred as fuel to work hard. In the summer of 2018, I finally changed for the better. Then we got some huge news: Rico was going to be a dad. So Rico moved out (though he’s over allllll the time), Shelby moved in, and we all agreed to one more year here, making the end of the lease in December 2019. In September, we were doing we but I was starting to get tired of cleaning all the time. My self hatred could only take me so far and it had died down quite a bit over the summer. It’s hard to be depressed when you’re always busy and actually tired. Though Kingdom Hearts 3 delay to January didn’t help any. The house was being divided though, with me on all sides. It was going to blow to a head soon so I tried to mitigate everything I could. From Duff’s Alcoholism, to Krista’s friends being over ( Newdell is the only important one to note), To Eric just being over, we were complaining about everything. It was at this point that I fully realized that our dream of living together, had an expiration date. This great moment of my life was starting to end. On Christmas that year, I was left wondering where would that leave me? I wasn’t afraid of the Squad breaking up, but if we all moved forward right now, what would I do? Could I exist on my own? And then it was

2019- I stare at my TV screen, the timer on it draining ever so slowly. Less than 5 minutes were on it but it might as well been years. Funny, considering how long I’ve been waiting for this moment, how long could 5 more minutes be. Very long in fact. Long enough to rethink your whole life to moment. It was 11:56 PM on January 28th, 2019. 4 minutes til Kingdom Hearts 3 was out. I had called off for this. I didn’t know it at the time but I was going to be temporarily fired for this. My friends were sitting in my room with me. They weren’t caught up on Kingdom Hearts but they were to watch me react. I’ve been waiting for this game for over a decade. I stayed alive for this game. I existed these past 7 years for this one wish, to play this game. In 3 minutes, that dream will come true. And I was terrified. For some reasons, understandable. Will I enjoy playing it, Will my favorite characters survive, Will it live up to all it’s hype. All rational fears to be sure. But one was screaming louder than the others. What now? All my life, I hadn’t have many personal goals for myself, choosing to live for others rather than myself. But with everyone slowly moving on without me, I have to learn to have hopes for myself. However, the few childhood dreams I had, I had already achieved. I found a family where I could be myself. I got my laptop, found nerdy games, moved in with the goons. The only one left was about to be delivered in 2 minutes to my PS4. “Are you excited?” someone says. “Yeah, I’m speechless” I stammered out, not quite a lie but no where near the whole truth. Am I excited? It’s the end of an era. End being the key word. I realized that I can no longer call myself a child anymore. I was an adult. What does that mean? A minute left of this time, this moment. How do I feel? What do I do now? Can I live on with everyone on my own strength. Am I strong enough? It was then I noticed my phone was buzzing. An alarm was going off. It was for the release of Kingdom Hearts 3. It was out. Before I could even blink, the moment was gone. I existed post Kingdom Hearts 3 world now. A world I never thought of living in. The song I chose for the alarm was reaching it’s chorus. I had a choice here, a choice that’s been present this entire first book. To finally move forward and change, or return to endless cycle that will doom me. It’s never been much of a choice. Either I stay in this moment pretending it’s perfect or I live to beat of the song thats been playing. To face your fears. I turn off the alarm and turn towards my PS4, with KH3 waiting to be played. A choice to make here. “Well are you going to press play?” 

Not much of a choice at all

I faced my fears and pressed play

Ending “The World Can Tricked”

A book on how I learned to face my fears: myself 

[dindadeel]

Character / Storyline / Whatever-you-called-it Analysis: Mystic Messenger

I really want to credit the artist, but unfortunately I, too, stumbled across this image on the web. If any of you know the owner of this picture, please let me know. Oh, and if the artist does not allow me to repost this picture, please let me know to as I’d be more than willing to take this image down if the owner does not allow me.

Oh my darling,

If only I dare to publish my (twitter) second account here, (will not happen, since I want to say things under privacy, too) you guys would’ve known my obsession over this Korean game called Mystic Messenger.

It is a female-oriented otome (dating) game. You’ll play as this Main Character (MC), so far Cheritz (the developer) has released 6 routes, which you can play depending on which character you want to choose.

So after playing each route and finishing the secret ending, here’s my thought overall.

(lol I actually already wrote a review on my 2nd account, but I’ll write a repetitive thing here lol don’t mind me).

This is a long ass post btw, if you’re not up to that, then you’re free to browse anything else. But if you do want to stick around, feel free to grab some ice tea (I’m recently into honey lemons) and some pockys.

When starting Mystic Messenger, there’s 3 options to choose; Casual Route (free), Deep Route (80 Hourglasses), Another Story (300 Hourglasses). Hourglasses is basically like coins that you can exchange to unlock features throughout the game. You can still proceed with the game without it, but you’ll definitely get more benefits with these hourglasses (e.g.; unlocking new routes like Deep Route, making phone calls, participate in chats that you missed, etc).

You can find more about Mystic Messenger here if you’re a beginner to the game.

Now on to the analysis!

(WARNING: SPOILER ALERT)

If you’re hoping for your-typical-shoujo-storyline-i-met-a-prince-of-my-dream, well you’re wrong because Mystic Messenger is here to fuck you up and make you emotionally attached to fucking fictional characters.

I’d like to think each and every route is a different universe every time I chose a new route (believe me, you’ll have hard time restarting your day after the 11th day). But I cannot help to feel that every route is actually linked to one another and the final ending is Seven’s route. (Yes you can fight me but thats the fact because Seven’s always have this additional thing in his route and he even owns the secret ending, technically).

However, another story (aka V route) is another different universe, because the storyline is a little bit distorted than the original 5 stories (well, it is an additional story).

The reason why I wrote a Tumblr post is because I got a bunch of bullcrap I need to write after finishing V route and Secret Ending.

First of all,

What the actual fuck?

Okay, everything was all good and jolly when you start playing Casual Route. I guess they called it Casual Route because it literally give you the tiniest bit of the secret of RFA. It literally means nothing if you compare it to Deep Route, Another Story, and Secret Endings. In actual fact, even in Jumin’s route, it don’t give as much information.

On casual route, it is very fitting to the name; very casual. It just gives you all these simkung moments with your character of selection. Sure, every route all-in-all asking the MC to ‘help’ the character from their wounds.

(list is based on my recommendations on taking which route first)

Jaehee - To choose her dreams or live on social prejudice

Yoosung - Dealing with his depressions and confusion after Rika’s passing

Zen - Overcoming his insecurities and his past

Jumin - Expressing his emotions when the world seems like tangled threads

Seven - Making sure he is belonged in this world and to be a place where he can call it home

V - Letting him know that he should love and put himself first

Tbh after finishing all routes, I cannot help to think that this whole mysme universe is started as a couple quarrel. But it is a twisted and complex couple quarrel. Basically it all turned murky when  — turned out both the couple did not realized that they’re in a toxic relationship.

 I’m gonna talk not only about any specific route, but the universe as a whole. Mainly towards Secret Endings in which branched from Seven’s, but the inputs came from every route regardless.

Rika had an illness to begin with. She struggles with depression, anxiety, paranoia, and (paranoia induced) delusions. Now this woman (haha please note on how I address her because I put my whole feeling on it) tried to hide it (and she succeeded) from the rest of the member, except V, who’s her fiancee and the one she trusted wholeheartedly. I guess her intentions are good, because she don’t want the rest of the member to worry about her. All she ever wanted to do was to create RFA in hope she could help people with her charity parties and where people with different background and social status could mingle. But again, she’s dealing with a mental illness and I guess she needs someone to know her as a whole, which is V.

This is where everything went wrong, I guess.

Rika does not represent people with mental illness. Cheritz just need a character as an antagonist, or there won’t be any storyline, hahaha.

Don’t get me wrong. V is a loving man. His intentions are also come from a good heart. V loves Rika wholeheartedly. He loves Rika with her flaws, too.

But their actions were like a ripple in a calm water. A single drop could disturb the whole surface.

V comes from a wealthy family, alongside Jumin. He was brought up to act like one. His father brought him up so that he could continue the family business, like Jumin. However, V’s mother was a musician. In fact, his family business related a lot in art & creative industry. So he have this ‘artist blood / tendency’ within him. I think his father opposed him on being an actual artist, so instead he became a photographer. This is where he encountered Rika.

Rika, on the other hand, did not came from a good childhood memory. She was adopted. However, turned out the adoptive parents regretted adopting Rika (that’s a fucked up parents to begin with. I mean, you HAD a choice to PICK your child for God’s sake. You’re not stuck with whatever-God-gave-you on your womb but you GET to choose, either the gender nationality race whatever suits you best and you STILL regret it?). She always felt that she does not belong anywhere and don’t have any place to harbor. She always feel empty.

Now when Rika met V, it felt like a faith to both of them. Rika was the empty canvas. She never knew how it felt to be loved. V, on the other hand, does not know how to give love, as he was always brought up in prince-like manner, and his mother was not able to be there to teach him how to love. So when he encountered Rika, I guess in his artistic mind, his love was like this massive artwork, ready to be painted on Rika’s blank canvas.

Both of them thought that their love was like the sun in the sky.

Why the sun?

Well, the sun is the source of living being. No matter where you are, it will shine. Even when the clouds are there to cover it, the sun is still there, giving you all the warmth. But the thing with the sun, in my opinion, yes it is warm, but there are times where you can get burn to crisp if you stand too long below it. You can get blind if you stare too much. Why, you can even get skin cancer if you’re not well protected.

Both of them could not express their love... as a couple. One wants to accept everything and one is willing to give everything. But the thing is... everything has its own limit. Sure, it feels like they’re meant for each other, however I think it is a toxic relationship as no one in that relationship know how to say no and to stop. V being too philosophical attracted to Rika’s innocence. Back to my canvas-paint theory, it is like Rika is the blank canvas, and V is willing to paint every single space within Rika. So much it turned into obsession. So much that Rika’s actually suffocated from it. Rika’s running out of space.

Sally’s death was the trigger. Rika was in the verge of breaking down. She said it was her fault. Said nobody would love her if they know how dark she is. She is actually ashamed of her illness and struggles, and she wants people to see her as a savior instead. V, who love her so dearly, instead of stopping her, said;

“Even if you strangle my neck, blind my eyes and break my limbs... I will still love you.”

THAT IS FUCKED UP OKAY. Now, if you have a loved one that’s struggling with these conditions, you do not add fuel to the fire. Don’t encourage them to hurt people! What V did was to turn the switch in Rika. In her innocent thought (at first I could not believe Rika was this stupid, but then again, she had her condition), it is okay to be abusive, as V said, he will still love him regardless. THIS. WAS. THE. FUCKING. TRIGGER.

Rika hurt V on purpose due to him trying to stop Rika on creating this cult where she force happiness onto people, drug them so that they would not know any pain. I know V had a good intention trying to stop Rika but I cannot stop thinking that he’s the one who made Rika to had this thought. It was the seed he planted on Rika. He was expecting a beautiful flower to bloom from it, but a monster sprouted instead because of the way he tended the seed.

Due to that, Rika left V for three main reason;

V opposed her idea on creating this everlasting paradise

She thought that V did not love her anymore because she thought V is disgusted with her monster side and the last thing she wanted was for V to leave her side

She knows what she did was wrong. She might be distorted, but she is good by nature. So when she realized she injured V severly, she is actually scared of herself. What if she hurt V even more in future?

And this is where everything went from what the fuck to what in the actual motherfucking fuck?

So instead of spilling the truth, V, being a chivalrous man he is, decided to keep it as a secret. He stated that the reason he kept it as a secret because he did not wish to put Rika under a dark impression. He wants Rika to be seen in her glorious days, as a brilliant young lady which everybody love and adore.

He decided to make Rika’s departure from RFA as her passing. He made up this story that Rika decided to take her own life. Jumped out the cliff, he said, so none of her remains were to be found.

I know RFA trusted this man 100%. But there’s a reason why Yoosung always doubt him, because I will certainly do, too.

First, do you think it is fair for the rest of RFA to be treated that way? To live their life in lies? I mean, come on, she’s basically everyone’s center. If someone that was that close to me, suddenly her fiancee come to us and said she took her own life but her body was never to be found, I would use every measure to fins her (I believe Jumin was loaded enough to do so). 

That aside, does V never consider the rest of RFA’s feeling in the first place? Does he think it was okay for him to lie to them? If only they did not discover the truth in Seven’s route, he will even keep it to himself. I could not help to feel that V is selfish, in a way he wants to keep Rika to herself. He is the one who Rika trust as a whole, and he’d like to keep it that way.

In Casual route, there’s no sign that Rika’s still alive. At the end of each casual route, V is always nowhere to be found. He is either not attending the party, announcing that he’s about to be blind, or just ‘let’s not discuss it now” / “I cannot tell you now”.

IMAGINE how betrayed everyone was when they found out that Rika was still alive and V decided to keep it as a secret. To make things worse, Rika even created this illegal cult. If they truly cared for Rika, I bet they would even love her and help her from her darkness. Hell, Rika was their savior in some way. I just don’t get the logic behind V keeping it from the rest.

For Zen and Jaehee, it might not be a significant lost, just a sense of disappointment. They’re not directly involved in Rika, emotion wise. Jaehee was merely Jumin’s assistant and she respected Rika. Zen was a bit closer to her, as Rika was his fan and the who ‘discovered’ Zen and help him with his career. But other than that, they did not share any emotion bond with Rika.

Yoosung though, he saw Rika as his own big sister. He saw her as his role model. He looked up to Rika a lot. So it is understandable that he was struggling after Rika’s passing, in the most unreasonable reason ever. Especially when Rika only showed her good personality. Who could accept that reason?

Sometimes, people said ignorance is a bliss and that is exactly what happened to each of their routes. They NEVER know. But that is the sad thing. They WILL never know. But if they WERE know the thing that happened behind their back, imagine how hurt they will be? Especially in Yoosung case, where he even get depressed over Rika.

Anyway, it gets even more disappointing for me for the deep route guys. If I were to talk in detail, it will take another dedicated post because it is a deep route hahaha I guess I was deeply attached to them (lol).

By know I guess everyone can grasp on how hurt Seven would feel. His brother was taken by someone that he trusted could take care of him. HIS FUCKING FAMILY. The only person in this universe that he share his blood with and his very existence is the most precious thing. Due to this stupid lover quarrel, Rika just fucking took him and drugged him so that he could work for her and made him hate his own brother. 

WHAT THE FUCK. This is a one sick lady. But whats even sicker is the fact that even knowing this, V did not give Seven any information. He just stick with “I can do this myself, so that none of the member will get hurt”. ITS HIS FUCKING TWIN BROTHER FOR ALL THE GOD’S SAKE. How stupid you could be?! He is more than entitled to know anything about Saeran. Even if love my s/o to death, if he done anything as outrageous as this, I would definitely call for help. This even involved other person’s closest relative!

Another thing to point out is why can’t Seven left any note to Saeran? I know it took awhile for Rika to take Saeran out of Seven and Saeran’s mother. But afterwards, when Saeran was under Rika and V’s care, he could leave a note to him. A simple post-it will do, if he was that scared to be traced. Let Saeran know that the reason he left first is to protect him. Why can’t he do this? I mean, its not like Seven never met V, if in this sense we put Rika under bad light.

Why does V think he is entitled to keep this as a secret? I could see why Seven was in rage when he found out about the whole truth when he about to rescue MC at Rika’s apartment. His reunion with his long lost brother was suppose to be sweet, but no, he was brainwashed and hate him to the core. And even when Seven asking for the truth, V still dare to lie.

But what is even more saddening is Jumin position. Surprised? Well, I guess it is unexpected as he is not a part of Secret Endings. He is constantly suppressing his emotions too. But that is even worse.

The fact that Jumin is V’s closest friend. In his route, Jumin even told MC that the only people that he could trust was V and Rika. I get that couple only share some things among themselves, but imagine how Jumin would feel when he knows two people he trusted the most turned out hiding such big secret? 

He trust V decision, always. When everybody seems to doubt V, he will be that very last person to agree with V. He will never hide anything from V, and even when V hides something from him, he will always said that “V’s always like that. I will trust his decision nevertheless”. The only thing that he didn’t tell V was probably he had feelings for Rika, too (fuck this thing. Jumin’s my man don’t you lay your hand on her Rika (lol)).

Speaking of that, Jumin was in fact treasure Rika, too. He claimed that Rika was that very few people that was able to make him open up and let him expressing his emotion.

He had feelings for Rika, but knowing that Rika never saw him that way and only love V, he suppressed his feelings and decided to just watch from far.

He even treasures Elizabeth the 3rd. Elizabeth the 3rd was so dear to him because it was from Rika, and V named her. The Jumin that we know now is head-over-heel over cat, but in his conversation with Rika on his route, he was not particularly interested in cats to begin with. Jumin’s fucking loaded, if he really likes cat, he could’ve bought the rarest breed of all and enjoy its beauty. But everything changed after Rika gave him Elizabeth the 3rd. He treasured every fragments Rika left him with. He didn’t even finish the book that Rika gave him.

So imagine, imagine it, my dear friend, how unfair his situation is. He already decided to be a bigger man and root for his best friend’s relationship. But turned out his most treasured people are keeping this huge secret. Imagine how disappointed he would feel when he knows Rika was brainwashing Saeran. Imagine how he would’ve felt when V decided to quit RFA on Seven’s route. Imagine how confused he would feel when V is always out of reach on everyone’s after ending. Imagine how painful it is for him to see Rika was beyond repair on V route, the two people he wished for happiness, turned out to be destroying each other?

Imagine how broken he would’ve felt when he attended V’s funeral at Secret End, knowing that his best friend’s own fiancee was the one who lead him to death, and the fact that he has to stay composed in this situation?

There’s a reason why I like Jumin so much. Not only his capability on stay logical (though sometimes can be interpreted as emotionless), but the fact that he never beats around the bush. He never sugar-coat his words (except during his route when he acts like a stupid love bird—no complain about this tho). 

Yes, he is not perfect, even on his route he could be irrational sometimes with his obsessiveness. But knowing his upbringing and his background, its understandable he’s acting this way. But in the end he even tried to overcome it and when V came, he believed in V almost immediately. Even when MC’s life was somewhat along the line.

That is how much he trusted V and how deeply he cared for him.

V, on the other hand, was so drowned on his own ideology of protecting everyone to even notice this. Do you think its fair? Does he thinks its right for him to keep the truth from everyone, when Jumin’s always there for him?

Jumin is even willing to go extra mile for V. I guess sadly V doesn’t see Jumin in the same light.

I know this post somewhat treating V as the main villain. I swear, on V route I tried to save him like everyone else. Rika was truly a sick woman on his route. I really loathe her. As Seven said, she was beyond repair. But again, I couldn’t help to feel sick over the fact that both Rika and V are still hiding Saeran/Ray’s existence, even when Saeran blow himself, ON SEVEN’S AWARENESS.

Even under this fiasco, V never tell anything to anyone. He didn’t even tell MC as far as I know.

Ray... he was the main victim. He was tossed here and there without him able to control his own consciousness due to the drug.

I don’t want to blame V. I really want to hate Rika because Cheritz created this character for us to hate to begin with. But then again, I can’t help to think that the root of this problem is both of them. Both of them acted like they want to save people, how they don’t want to bring pain to innocent souls, but in the end, with their lies and their acting like a goody two shoes,

how many souls did they hurt?

[ramblyravingnnjashark]

Nier Automata - Genius and Madness

the works of Yoko Taro are something that have eluded me for most of my life, and that I have given very little attention to. Probably for good reasons because from the outside, the gameplay of his games range from Mediocre to Average at best and I consider myself a very "gameplay First" person. Some of my Freinds would rave about Drakengard and how weird it is but that didnt quite convince me to look into them much further. However, one Fateful Day a little game called "Nier Automata" was announced, a sequel to Yoko Taros Xbox 360/PS3 game Nier with a little line of Text that would change things in an instant

                                   "Developed by PlatinumGames"

now friends of mine will know that, PlatinumGames is one of my alltime favourite Game Devs for their Crazy High skill Character Action Beat em up titles, containing Larger than Life characters and great and tight Gameplay that owes their roots in the Arcade games of old, which is something I have a appreciation for.

So, with a combination like this I finally decided to take on this series, by means of watching Youtube essays about it because goddamn, the gameplay in these games can get rather mind numbing sadly but honestly? Yoko Taro mighta earned himself now a nice cushy place as one of my favourite Directors, right next to  Hideki Kamiya and Hideo Kojima themselves.

But there is one thing I realised from watching these Essays and actually playing one of them it is one thing to watch a guy sum this series up for you, its a whole different thing to watch the Insanity for yourself

because the works of Yoko Taro arent stories about Heroic Knights slaying Demons and Evil Dragons, or Loving Fathers/older Brothers trying to survive the Fall of Humanity with their Daughters/Little Sisters

they are stories about Love, Hate, War, the meaninglessness of the Universe and the Hope growing from it, what it means to be Human, and what it means to lose all reason and go complete and genuinely Mad

(there will be spoilers, so be warned if you wish to expirience these games yourself!)

so originally, this was gonna be a brief recap of Drakengard and Nier, but then I realised I couldnt do these games justice so I just link this and this recap of these games that should give you a good idea what these games are about but to keep it brief

Drakengard is essentially to RPGs what Evangelion was to Mecha Anime, and thats a fairly approviate comparsion when you just look at, this

its also notable for how it handles its different endings, usually referred to as Ending A, Ending B etc, Ending E of the first Drakengard game was a Joke ending that nontheless became the basis for the setting of Nier, a ruined Planet Earth set hundreds of years after the Fall of Humanity about a Father (in the Western Releases) or a Older Brother (Japanese release) having to fend for himself and his Daughter/Younger Sister in a world under constant threat of creatures known as Heartless Shades

both these games are interesting, because their gameplay is nothing special, in the case of Drakengard its outright terrible,they got mediocre reviews and poor sales and yet these games have a dedicated Cult following and  tons of Novels, Audio Dramas, Manga and even Stage Plays that expand the Universes of these games and its lore

and thats for a simple reason: these games may have mediocre gameplay but, their Stories, their Characters, their Art Direction is actually of fairly high quality featuring intriguing Characters and worldbuilding that makes you invested in them regardless I mean, theres a entire exchange in Nier thats entireley between two Magical Talking Books for cryin out loud, and its one of the best parts of the game!

however, these games have thus far had a life as just that, Cult Classics, that didnt manage to garner a mainstream audience due to its aforementioned quirks, the Gameplay just could never stand up to the well written stories of these games

this is where PlatinumGames comes into play

now, the gameplay of Automata I honestly felt like was more on par with what Revengeance offered: there is stuff you can do with it but all in all its below the likes of Bayonetta and Devil May Cry 3 but thats not to say its poor, of course not, it doesnt encourage you to try anything other than just Mash about, but thats Fine, theres also Chips that your characters can even equip Chips that enhance their abilities and giv e them new ones such as a Bayonetta style Parry and Witch time or give them Heals upon Killing the enemy and while the actual enviroments can be a bit of a chore to go through (until you get Fast Travel), it still felt good to Parkour your way through them, nice snappy and smooth which gives me hopes they take a cue or two from this game for Bayonetta 3 in that regard at least

another thing I loved is the Soundtrack itself. Now I dont consider myself a musical person, however I can tell when a Song is used perfectly, and in Automata? Every Song is used to actual perfection. Music to me can be the deciding factor wether a Area or Scene in a Game or Movie is Garbage, Forgettable or Legendary, and for Automata, every song makes each area fall niceley into the latter fortunatly. One Standout track for me is Birth of a Wish (Become as Gods) a retake of an earlier song that adds in additional Chorus, and the Theme for Pascals village which is a cute Melody involving Children singing.

now onto the game itself, Route A puts you in the sexy and Lucious Thigh High boots of YoRHa Unit 2B, whereas Route B puts you in the cute Boy shorts of her Partner and mostly Good Boy YoRHa Unit 9S both tasked with ridding the world of Machine Lifeforms and making Earth inhabitable for the Humans stuck on the Moon again Both Routes play out roughly the same, 2B plays like a Standard Character Action Heroine with Lights and Heavies and such, whereas 9S is mainly focused around his ability to hack enemies and engage into brief SHMUP segments.

of the two I felt like 2B was a little more fun to play all in all, the Hacking was fine but also felt a teeny bit like a pace breaker but not too much, at least until late in Route B the game throws curvebals and unique hacking segments into the mix

a thing Yoko Taro games have been very good at showing, is showing the process of a Person losing their mental stability and throwing it all away to become a one track minded Mad Man and I find that interesting.

Drakengard had a good example when the Character Inuart completley loses it and becomes obsessed with bringing back his Dead Love interest, causing here to turn into the monster posted above. Automata meanwhile, shows this also but with Machines, being that shouldnt even go mad in the first place but become Insane with concepts like Revenge, Fear or other. Now I am not a Psychology Major or anything but I cant help but feel "this is Intriguing", not sure if thats a bad thing or anything but thats how it is.

now, Route C is where officialy the PlatinumGame ends and the Yoko Taro game begins, in that things become utterly, utterly Bleak. Not to say it was happy funtime before, many of the sidequests end on a very sour or outright terrible note, but here? Shits gon Bad!

YoRHa falls, everyone on the Protagonists homebase dies or becomes infected with a Virus that makes them go insane, 2B dies and 9S is severeley wounded and has his mental state utterly ruined by seeing 2B, his Love interest, die. from this Point onward, you play as Either A2, a former YoRHa gone Rogue and 9S as he tries to kill every last Machine Lifeform, and as hes utterly loses his mind. Focusing entireley on his one Goal so that maybe, he can find Death and be with 2B in the Afterlife.

this is where the game really became interesting to me. Gradually 9S goes from this sweet pure boy to a Violent Mess that only wants to Kill and Kill and Kill, Over and Over, its a Interesting Development for such a Character I feel. A2 meanwhile, while still a Great Character and a Blast to play, I felt like was severeley underutilized, getting very little playtime compared to 2B and 9S, with most of her greatest character Development limited to a Japan only Stage play that got a short text recap on a terminal. and it just goes from there and it keeps going, plot twists happen, reveals happen, callbacks to the first Nier and Drakengard 1 happen, its just this huge Mountain of themes and stuff to uncover and analyse. references to old Philosophers and the Concept of Nihilism itself ebing explored, little details that popped up in the early game and now have much greater meaning, its....actually incredible?

I dont think I ever played a game that had so much going on, the last time I think I did was, Metal Gear Solid 3, maybe?! I think....this might actually be one of the best written games I ever played?

and there is still so much content I could go through, the Stage Plays, the Novels, theres probably a buncha Audio Dramas for it too already its like, Jesus christ. and then theres Ending E, which while rather difficult (and probably causes at least 4 people to fucking hate my Guts) was probably one of the best ending sequences I seen in recent years, I'm not gonna go into detail what it is because, it needs to be seen to be belived, but I find it genuiley incredible.

I dont think theres a single game in the Drakengard and Nier series I would actually consider my "Favourite Game", maybe Nier Automata but thats up for consideration still, but I think I can safeley say that both games story as a whole is easily up there with Metal Gear as  one of my favourite Game stories out there, and friends and followers of mine would know by now how much I love that Franchise and its wacky insane story, Drakengard and Nier are special little series that you dont see enough of these days, but maybe thats for the better

I'm not gonna say "Nier Automata rekindled my love for video games" or anything, but I am glad I got to expirience these two series.

[thattheressuchathingastoobig]

The answer of Evan Matthew Cohen, in all his small-time glory.

Start: Do you ever wonder just how often everybody else feels like they should be doing more and that their life is whittling away because they aren’t?

Evan:

       hey

Kayleigh:

       Hey what’s up

Evan:

       guess what feeling is back

Kayleigh:

       Better fucking be the feeling you’re made of granite

Evan:

       i’m trying

       i’m listening to green light

       it’s working a bit

       i just posted this onto my tumblr

       do you ever wonder just how often everybody else feels like they should be doing more and that their life is whittling away because they aren’t

       and i’m deleting it now and putting the video of lorde dancing on snl on instead

Kayleigh:

       Listen, I know that you want to do more with your life, but no matter what happens, it is your life to live. You need to stop thinking about the lives that others are living because those aren’t yours. Your life is infinitely different from the next person’s. So you need to keep doing what you need for your life, despite what it could be

Evan:

       why is it so hard for me to accept that

       i know why

       i’m just dragging this out

       i know you’re right

       i hate it

       i hate it cause i want the could

       but i don’t act like i do

       i just give up

       i want the could cause

       cause the idea of it, when i’m caught up in it, when i find something shiny and new and brilliant, and i take it and put it on a pedestal, and i pretend like i’m up there with it- nothing makes me feel more fucking alive

       i give up cause it’s hard

Kayleigh:

       Then you need a way to stop using things and others make you feel alive and find a way to do it yourself

Evan:

       how do i do that

       jesus christ

       i’m just like shiro from fate/

       no wonder i like it so much

Kayleigh:

       You give up because it’s impossible. You can’t be lorde because you aren’t her. You didn’t live the same life. You aren’t giving up in the fact that you could feel like her. You’re giving up on the fact that you can be her. You can still go after the could, but you need to do it as you.

Evan:

       then the question i’m really asking

       that i have been.. skipping over

       is who am i

       fuck

       kayleigh

       i’ve been shortcutting on borrowed dreams

       and it doesn’t work

       ofc it doesn’t work

       they’re not mine

Kayleigh:

       That’s what you need to start thinking about. You’ve spent so much time analyzing everyone and everything except for yourself

       Do the same thing with yourself that you do to the rest of the world

       Break yourself down

       Piece by piece

       Figure out what your core needs are

       And idolize you most inner self instead of someone you can’t be

Evan:

       we work well together

       thank you kayleigh

       don’t mistake the lack of me making some philosophical comment as this not impacting me

       it’s the opposite

       it’s impacting me so hard and so loudly theres nothing that i can say to add to it

Kayleigh:

       I know Evan, I know you pretty well, I knew this would hit you hard, and I knew you needed it

Evan:

       when did you figure this out

       was it just now when i gave you the opportunity to put it into words you hadn’t formed yet?

       or was it earlier somehow

Kayleigh:

       It was all building up to this. It’s only in moments like this that you let your true doubts show themselves

Evan:

       i have no idea what i want or who i am

       do i want to be a therapist

       how do i even find the answer to questions like that

Kayleigh:

       I personally believe that you do

Evan:

       the only things i know of that make me happy are my pedestals. are they invalid because i use them to shortcut? or do they still matter

       they still matter

       they still mean a lot to me

       no that first bit isn’t true

       they make me feel alive not happy

       what the fuck is happiness

Kayleigh:

       Happiness is only temporary

Evan:

       everything is temporary

       okay

       what can i do with that

Kayleigh:

       Contentness is what you want

Evan:

       you know

       i think i have somewhat of an answer

       i just hope it’s not everything

       i guess if it is that’d be nice actually

       easy

       i know i want to be a dad

       i know it sounds kind of weird but thats something i feel so strongly

       maybe thats why i like psychology

       i don’t think what i want is to understand everything

Kayleigh:

       Then you just admitted to one of your desires

Evan:

       that’s impossible

       like you said

       i think i just want to find people who i can make happy and who make me happy in return

       thats what therapy is about for me

Kayleigh:

       Exactly

Evan:

       that seems kind of backwards doesn’t it

Kayleigh:

       No

Evan:

       maybe thats why i didn’t want to say that

       all this time

Kayleigh:

       Some people are happy when those around them are happy

       It makes sense

Evan:

       doesn’t that go against the whole do it for you thing

       or have i been imaging that

       all this time

Kayleigh:

       But you are doing it for you

Evan:

       so weird

       i’ve never understood this

       do i have to? maybe one day i will

       why

       why is that what i want

Kayleigh:

       But you don’t need to understand why it makes you feel a certain way if it works

Evan:

       thats true

       thats very true

       reminds me of native americans

Kayleigh:

       You may understand one day, but the understanding won’t make you happy, the act will

Evan:

       content with mystery as long as the joy of life is sucked out of it

       you’re right

       jesus you’re so right

       how are you doing this

Kayleigh:

       You’ve taught me well

Evan:

       huh

       so this is what i do with other people?

       this is what it feels like on the receiving end?

Kayleigh:

       The thing about me is that I never cared enough about the why, and you’ve always cared too much about it

Evan:

       am i really that good?

       yeah

       i have

Kayleigh:

       You’ve taught me to question the why enough

Evan:

       lol

Kayleigh:

       Enough to help me and others, but not enough to consume me

Evan:

       the first thing my mind just did after reading that was go “why do i question the why”

       i laughed out loud

       okay

       fuck the why for a bit then

       i still need to address the feeling alive bit

       i’m never going to give that up

       i don’t know if it makes me happy or content or not yet

       but it feels too

       what is it

       is it a bad thing?

Kayleigh:

       No, it’s not bad as long as you don’t lose yourself in that

Evan:

       right

       lose yourself

       so

       wow

       does that mean

       i’ll eventually have something better than the pedestals

       like.. this is hard

       okay

       so when i lose myself in things like lorde, like that day at nicks house

       you couldn’t have worded it better: “lost myself”

       cause theres no me there

       and what i’m doing now is trying to figure out what that me is

       so when i, not FIND something, but BUILD something, from scratch, from deep inside me and only me, like what i’m trying to figure out now

       will i not even need the pedestals? will i look upon them and not lose myself in them because

       how do i word this next part

       do you see what i’m saying

       idk

       i don’t have an answer right now

Kayleigh:

       You’ll look upon them and not lose houses because you’ll have a self

Evan:

       So it’s not even an issue

       losing that feeling

       cause i’ll feel it all the time just by existing

       or whatever that feeling ends up turning into

       by having a self

       or whatever

       idk if you’re busy if you aren’t i need you rn

       this is big

       yuge

       the biggliest

Kayleigh:

       I wasn’t answering because it felt like you still needed to say something

Evan:

       lol fair

Kayleigh:

       Like you were still making your way to a conclusion

Evan:

       no i was waiting for you

       well let me think was i

       i trust you more than me on what i’m doing rn lol

       i think that was the conclusion

       losing the way that i do when i’m in my pedestals, that feeling alive feeling

       isn’t an issue

Kayleigh:

       That you’ll always feel alive because you’ll know who you are?

Evan:

       yeah

       or however i’ll feel

       whatever that is, thats whats important

       i’m only saying it like that because idk if it’s gonna be the same thing

       right now i think that feeling alive thing i get is so intense because i feel so empty

       it fills me

       if i’m already filled its gonna be the solution obviously, but it’s not gonna be the same

       remember the end of the last star? what happened to cassie?

       i think that’s what i’ve been trying to do

Kayleigh:

       I didn’t read the last star

Evan:

       WHAT

       DUDEEEEEE

Kayleigh:

       I will I promise

Evan:

       It’s exactly what we’re talking about and I CANT SAY IT

       lol it’s okay

       i think i get it

       i think i get why i feel so lost and bored and hopeless all the time when i don’t have any sufficient distractions

       i’m not doing anything with my life cause i don’t know what i want to do

       cause i thought that whatever that would be wouldn’t hold a candle to my pedestals

Kayleigh:

       Wait is sasuke fucking dying??

Evan:

       HAHAHA

Kayleigh:

       Why are you fucking laughing, it’s not even halfway through the first fucking season

Evan:

       oh i know where you are

       just keep watching

       wait no i don’t that seems kind of early for what i’m thinking of

       okay wait let me finish first ill get to sasuke haha

Kayleigh:

       Does he die multiple times wtf

       Wait what?

       Wtf

       Naruto turned into series finale aang

       Sorry, this is getting good

Evan:

       it’s not that i don’t know what i want to do, that was the wrong way to put it- it’s that i haven’t cared. that’s where i was going with the holding a candle to the pedestals thing

Kayleigh:

       Keep going, sorry for the interruption

Evan:

       (it’s fine lol, i’m glad you’re liking it❤️)

       i know what i want somewhere in there

Kayleigh:

       Do you mean that you haven’t cared enough to find yourself?

Evan:

       i thought such a better way to feeling content, fulfilled, alive, whatever you want to call it, whatever it’s gonna feel like at the end of the road to becoming and living myself- the better way

       jesus am i really about to say this

       is this really what i’ve been doing

Kayleigh:

       You were typing something are you still typing?

Evan:

       the better way was to follow the footsteps of the pedestals i admire so much. if i feel this fantastic just breathing their air in, imagine how it would feel to BE them? if i just followed their footsteps, i’d get there right? it must feel even more amazing to PLAY the piano music that makes me feel so good the way she does. it must feel even more amazing to LOOK like and get attention like he does. jesus i sound like a fucking child: it must feel even more amazing to fucking FLY like a bird does, not just watch them do it. that’s what i sound like.

       idk

       maybe that’s the truth of being human

       maybe that’s all we’ve been doing

       trying to fly without wings

       is that so wrong? feeling alive off of accomplishing borrowed dreams?

Kayleigh:

       It’s not wrong

       But it’s also not truth

Evan:

       thats what lorde did. her freaking NAME is a reference to shiny tales of royalty she put on a pedestal

       “let me live that fantasy”

       what the fuck is truth then

Kayleigh:

       You don’t sound like a child. You sound like you’re desperate to be

Evan:

       is it really so simple and plain as being a dad? quite literally the most commonplace thing in the world?

Kayleigh:

       But it’s your dream

       That is what will make you happy

Evan:

       as being just another human

       wow it’s all coming out today

Kayleigh:

       Think of what Annie said

Evan:

       i’ve never told anyone that

       gonna just make sure the theme of that is addressed real quick

       i think that i’ve thought being a normal human is worthless. i’ve been trying to be better than an individual human, than living a single self made dream, by consuming other peoples dreams and living them all

       i think i find humans small time

       how disgusting is that

       i am one

       no wonder i have such an inferiority complex

       no wonder i put so little stake into who i am

Kayleigh:

       But you need to accept it

       Accept that you are human and that your dreams are valid too

Evan:

       are the realest, truest, happiest people really that simple then

       i know the answer

       it’s yes

       i’ve known that for a while

       i didn’t want to accept it

       i think i still don’t but i’m definitely starting to

       how long is this gonna take

       this is a literal 180

       and i know it’s the right way to go but

       i’ve been doing this so long, and the whole way lying to myself

       what if i decide i wont accept it

Kayleigh:

       Then you don’t accept yourself

       You now know that this is who you are

       If you don’t allow yourself your own dreams, then you will always be an empty shell looking to be filled

Evan:

       can i have both? greatness and uniqueness and my own dreams?

       or can i not cause i’m just evan

       …is lorde unhappy and empty underneath it all?

Kayleigh:

       Your dreams are great and unique

       Probably

Evan:

       you’re probably right

Kayleigh:

       A lot of people are

Evan:

       yeah

Kayleigh:

       Especially celebrities

Evan:

       life is not that loud and magnificent

       content life

       humans have been entranced by shiny, pretty things for all of history

       what is REALLY shiny, what is REALLY beautiful?

       the things that are to me

       thats what this conversation has led to

       that conclusion

       reality

       real reality

Kayleigh:

       And it is one of the hardest things to see

Evan:

       kayleigh all of the things that i love, all my favorite things

       are about this

       bakemonogatari

       ayn rand

       lorde

       grouplove

       every top notch, top shelf thing has this theme

       “is it more important to be real or grand? is happiness or contentness what make a life special? is the fake realer than the real thing? is reality enough? is MY reality enough? is it wrong to think it’s not? is it right to think it is?”

       and everything in between

       what if what you want isn’t reality? is it a false want? should you not go after it cause it isn’t yours?

       will you not be happy if you do?

       is that even important?

       what is happiness isn’t your goal? does that make you evil? inhuman? wrong?

       what if it is? does that make you boring? does it mean you accept the fact that we are inconsequential stardust? am i really okay with that?

       fuck kayleigh this is it

       it’s all been leading up to this

       everything in my life

       if i asked my grandma this, we know what she’d tell me

       she’s such a realist

       she’s been to hell and back and back again. she’s faced just about every torturous reality a human could possibly face

       maybe she’s too old to remember what this feels like. or maybe she had such a terrible childhood she couldn’t get passed reality and never got to experience things like dreams or grandness

       does that mean she’d be right?

       i’m not her. i haven’t been through all of that

       does that make this any less significant?

       of any less value

       i don’t have an answer

       i can’t blame myself for feeling like this

       it’s the fucking hallmark of humanity

       it’s literally the entire crux of everything

       we reach for the stars and burn up in their splendor

       or we accept ourselves and live the lives we were given

       i don’t know which is better

Kayleigh:

       Each of your experiences have equal value and significance because they are your entire lives. To answer all of your questions above, just because someone doesn’t share your dreams and core needs doesn’t make them wrong or inhuman, it makes them their own person. Just as yours don’t make you insignificant. You are an individual and everyone is different. The way you feel is different than another person even with the same dream. You just need to see the glory and splendor in your own dreams

       You said before “what is REALLY shiny, what is REALLY beautiful?”

Evan:

       that’s what i’m saying

       what if my dreams aren’t reality

Kayleigh:

       What if to you that is your child’s eyes

Evan:

       what if they’re not possible

       what if i don’t want to accept this wingless back

Kayleigh:

       That doesn’t make you less than someone whose answer is gold or music

Evan:

       what if icarus never felt better getting melted alive and falling from the greatest heights he could reach

Kayleigh:

       Why would you not accept yourself

       He felt alive because his dream was freedom

Evan:

       what if THATS the answer i choose

       freedom

       is that it?

       or is freedom accepting the things we can’t change

       or is it forcing the things we can’t change to be changeable

       airplanes, ships, nuclear energy

       the power of the fucking sun

Kayleigh:

       Freedom is following your own path

       Whatever it may be

       But it should be yours

Evan:

       and my path so far apparently doesn’t lead to any of that

Kayleigh:

       Not an imitation

Evan:

       i can’t make it happen

       i haven’t been able to yet

       i have zero proof it’s possible

Kayleigh:

       What if I told you that I have the same dream as you

       Do you look down upon me

       Are my dreams insignificant in the grand scheme of things

Evan:

       No

       I can’t

       You’re your own person

       Why is the only person i can’t accept myself

Kayleigh:

       Do you not believe in them because they could be so much more?

Evan:

       You got me there

       This is so frustrating

       This is most frustrating fucking thing of my entire life

       Probably of everyones

Kayleigh:

       I have come to accept my own dreams despite what they could be and despite what others may think of them

       There’s your proof

Evan:

       No

       That’s YOU’RE answer

       I don’t know what mine is yet

Kayleigh:

       So you’re learning

Evan:

       Yes

       Idk what the sounds in my mind yet are

       They could be all the coulds and shoulds

       but they could also not be

       is that what you’re saying

       they could be loud and grand and they could be small and nice

       so

       its only the wrong choice if you self-contradict?

       holy shit i think i get it

Kayleigh:

       It’s only the wrong choice if it feels wrong. If you still feel empty at the end of the day

Evan:

       Thats it

       That’s fucking it

       That’s what I’ve been trying to say

Kayleigh:

       So use the empty feeling as a guiding system

Evan:

       Oh my god

       Hannah

Kayleigh:

       And don’t scoff upon yourself if it’s not where you thought you’d end up

Evan:

       Kayleigh this is the answer to Hannah too

       I felt completely empty at the very end when she walked away

       And i felt terrible about it after cause it wasn’t were i wanted to end up

       it wasn’t loud and grand like i hoped we’d turn into and when i let that go i accepted that reality

       and i hated that i did

       *it wasn’t fulfilling like I hoped it’d be

       and the moment i accepted that i lose that dream

       jesus fucking christ

       okay

       so now i have a new fear

       which i guess would be the cause of everything all along. isn’t it

       i’m afraid of not finding anything that doesn’t make me feel empty

       i’m so afraid i haven’t wanted to search for myself in my own reality so i’ve stolen others’

       i’m afraid i’ll never be able to search hard enough i’ll find it. not just that it’s too hard to find, but that i’m not good enough to find it

       that MY shiny and dazzling things are out of reach

       i think that fear is the monster that’s swallowed me up my entire life

       that they’re out of reach because I’m not good enough

       it’s back to that then

       it’s back to being controlled by fear or rejection

       fear of rejection*

       and i think with that i’ve solved the why of humanity

       we’ve solved the why of humanity hahaha

       give me some input dude

       am i missing anything?

Kayleigh:

       That’s a question for yourself

Evan:

       what do you mean

Kayleigh:

       Are you missing anything

Evan:

       i don’t think so.

       my hesitation comes from the same fear i was just talking about

       i believe this is a universal thing

       i’m hoping it is

       i’m looking for confirmation that this is resonating with you too

Kayleigh:

       Yes

Evan:

       that you feel or have felt the same way

       okay

       the question is still the same in terms of myself- no. this is the extent of my analytic skills and soul searching with everything that’s been said

       but i value your skill and soul searchy wizardry too

       so i’m asking you if you think i missed anything

       cause idk where the fuck i’d be without your input right now

Kayleigh:

       I think that you are still avoiding the acceptance of yourself, and you probably will for awhile

Evan:

       i think it’s more like i don’t know if the things i am right now are actually who i really am

       cause my whole life has been dancing to the tune of that fear

       there;s some truth in there and i’m going to find it and when i do i’m going to do everything in my power to accept it

       i’m probably going to avoid accepting it for a while, like you said. i hope it doesn’t take too long, but i think this is a good step

       this is a big one

       i need to learn to trust myself really

       to really be in tune with what my soul is telling me

       and don’t dismiss it or not accept it

       that takes trust

       i’m ready to start trying to do that now

Kayleigh:

       Good

Evan:

       even if it’s small

       even if i think other people would think it’s shameful

       i have to push past that fear

       i’m back to square one again: do my job, and make opportunities to find things that make me feel full

Kayleigh:

       And I know that you can do it

Evan:

       And now I have the why

       I know I shouldn’t need it bit

       That’s who i am

       And I don’t envy you

       Cause I’m not you

       I can do it

       We really do make a good team

Kayleigh:

       This is why we’re best friends

Evan:

       ❤️

       Okay

       Time to stop talking about it and start living it

[viralhottopics]

Brian Eno: Weve been in decline for 40 years Trump is a chance to rethink’

The revered producer has been at the centre of pop since the days of Roxy Music. But dont ask him about the past hes more interested in how to reorder society

Brian Enos new album is called Reflection, and what better time to reflect on an astonishing career? Or careers. Theres the first incarnation of Eno as the leopardskin-shirted synth-twiddler who overshadowed the more obviously mannered Bryan Ferry in Roxy Music. With his shoulder-length hair and androgynous beauty, there was something otherworldly about Eno. He was as preposterous as he was cool. So cool that, back then, he didnt bother with a first name.

After two wonderfully adventurous albums he left and Roxy became more conventional. There followed a sustained solo career, starting with the more poppy Here Come the Warm Jets, progressing to the defiant obscurity of his ambient albums and on to commercial Eno, the revered producer behind many of the great Bowie, Talking Heads, U2 and Coldplay records.

There is Eno the visionary, who helped conceive a 10,000-year clock and invented an influential pack of cards called Oblique Strategies that offer creative solutions for people inapickle. There is Eno the visual artist;Eno the activist, tirelessly campaigning for a fairer world; and Eno the philosopher, endlessly thinking of ways in which to bring thisnew world about.

We meet at his studio, near Notting Hill in west London. It is a mix of the minimalist and maximalist. Minimalist in its big white empty spaces, maximalist in the numerous books carefully filed away (library-like sections for African, Asian and European art), old-fashioned hi-fi equipment, a parked bike, and his own Rothko-ish artworks.

Eno, now 68, could not look more different from the louche glamour-puss of the early 70s. As his music became more pared down, so did he. The head was shaved, the makeup washed off and the feather boa dispensed with. Nowadays, he looks like a stylish academic.

His assistant asks me to join Eno athis table. Ill just be 40 seconds, finishing off my lunch, Eno says. He takes a mouthful of fruit salad. Just 30seconds now. There has always been something fastidious about him. His interviews tend to be 45 minutes long precisely. One journalist said that Eno had interrupted their chat to play him an Elvis Presley record that lasted two minutes and seven seconds, and then added two minutes and seven seconds to the interview sothe journalist wouldnt be shortchanged. At the same time, Eno loves to embrace the random. As a producer, he encourages artists to pick up Oblique Strategies cards to alter the path they are taking. Itell him I have brought a pack with me in case we find ourselves struggling. He smiles, flashing a gold tooth. That will be just the job, I should think, he says.

Roxy Music in 1972, with Eno at front. Photograph: Brian Cooke/Redferns

Eno talks slowly, calmly, eloquently. He would be brilliant on Just a Minute no repetition, hesitation or deviation. His voice is as soothing as his ambient music. He was christened Brian Peter George St John le Baptiste de la Salle Eno. You might assume he was an aristocrat, but his father and grandfather were postmen. And my great grandad actually, he says enthusiastically when I mention it. And my two uncles.

Did he ever think that was his destiny? Well, I did go into communications, didnt I? He laughs. Youre a sonic postman? Yeah! I help people communicate with each other in one way or another. When I was in my mid-30s, and my mother and father were living in a house I had bought for them with the proceeds of my music, my mum said: Dad and I were talking. Do you think youll ever settle down and get a job? Hahahhaha! She said: You could get a job in the Post Office. In the office! You know, not trudging delivering mail.

Eno decided he didnt want a regular job when he saw the effect it had on his father. He did shift work. It was a three-week cycle, mornings, afternoons and nights. I realised years later he was in a permanent state of jet lag because his eight-hour work day was shifting every week. I remember him coming home from work and sitting at the table; my mother had just put the food down and he fell forward, asleep. I thought even if I have to turn to crime, I wont get a job; the horror of being that exhausted and doing your work just to keep things going; the lack of freedom inyour life.

His Belgian mother had spent the war in Germany building planes in a labour camp. Eventually she returned to Belgium at the end of the war. It took her three months to get back. She arrived in Dendermonde near Brussels weighing five stone.

He has been talking quietly and beautifully about his parents. So it comes as a shock when I ask where his string of first names comes from, and he explodes. God, are we going to do any interesting questions? This is all bollocks. I mean Im not fucking interested at all in me. I want to talk about ideas. Can we do any of that?

He picks up one of the Oblique Strategy cards, and bursts out laughing. He shows it to the two women in the studio. Hahaha! How about that? Hahahaha! Take a break!

Take a break, they echo. Hahaha!

Arent they brilliant? Eno says. Fancy that.

The more they laugh, the smaller Ifeel.

Shaping the future: Enos Oblique Strategies cards. Photograph: Brian Eno

Eno says he hates talking about himself. Im not interested in that personality aspect of being an artist. Its all based on the idea that artists are automatically interesting people. I can tell you they arent. Their art might be very interesting, but as people they are no more or less interesting than anybody else. And Im really not at all interested in talking about Brian Eno. His ideas, however, I think have something to recommend them.

So what is Brian Eno working on at the moment, I ask. Im interested in the idea of generative music as a sort of model for how society or politics could work. Im working out the ideas Im interested in, about how you make aworking society rather than a dysfunctional one like the one we live in at the moment by trying to make music in a new way. Im trying to see what kinds of models and and structures make the music I want to hear, and then Im finding its not a bad idea to try to think about making societies in that way.

Could he be more specific? Yes. If you think of the classical picture of how things were organised in an orchestra where you have the composer, conductor, leader of the orchestra, section principals, section sub principals, rank and file the flow of information is always downwards. The guy at the bottom doesnt get to talk to that guy at the top. Almost none of us now would think that hierarchic model of social organisation, the pyramid, is agood way to arrange things.

In other words, he says, society should be built on the more egalitarian model of a folk or rock band, who just get together and do their thing, rather than a classical orchestra. Cant you see, he says with the passion of a visionary, if you transpose that argument into social terms, its the argument between the top down and bottom up? It is possible to have a society that doesnt have pre-existing rules and structures. And you can use the social structures of bands, theatre groups, dance groups, all the things we now call culture. You can say: Well, it works here. Why shouldnt it work elsewhere?

He has called himself an optimist. In the past. I ask him if he still is, post-2016. Yes, he says, there is a positive way to look at it. Most people I know felt that 2016 was the beginning of a long decline with Brexit, then Trump and all these nationalist movements in Europe. It looked like things were going to get worse and worse. I said: Well, what about thinking about it in a different way? Actually, its the end of a long decline. Weve been in decline for about 40 years since Thatcher and Reagan and the Ayn Rand infection spread through the political class, and perhaps weve bottomed out. My feeling about Brexit was not anger at anybody else, it was anger at myself for not realising what was going on. I thought that all those Ukip people and those National Fronty people were in a little bubble. Then I thought: Fuck, it was us, we were in the bubble, we didnt notice it. There was a revolution brewing and we didnt spot it because we didnt make it. We expected we were going to be therevolution.

He draws me a little diagram to explain how society has changed productivity and real wages rising in tandem till 1975, then productivity continuing to rise while real wages fell. It is easily summarised in that Joseph Stiglitz graph. The trouble now, he says, is the extremes of wealth and poverty. You have 62 people worth the amount the bottom three and a half billion people are worth. Sixty-two people! You could put them all in one bloody bus then crash it! He grins. Dont say that bit. (Since we meet, Oxfam publish a report suggesting that only eight men own as much wealth as the poorest 3.6 billion people in the world half the worlds population.)

Eno himself is a multimillionaire, largely because of his work as a producer.He wouldnt be one of the 62, would he, I ask. I certainly wouldnt be, he says with a thin smile. No, Im a long way off that.

He is still thinking about the political fallout of the past year. Actually, in retrospect, Ive started to think Im pleased about Trump and Im pleased about Brexit because it gives us a kick up the arse and we needed it because we werent going to change anything. Just imagine if Hillary Clinton had won and wed been business as usual, the whole structure shed inherited, the whole Clinton family myth. I dont know thats a future I would particularly want. It just seems that was grinding slowly to a halt, whereas now, with Trump, theres a chance of a proper crash, and a chance to really rethink.

Reflection is his 26th solo album, and his first ambient release in five years. Does he think there is a particular need for its soothing qualities at the moment? Well, I think this is quite a good time for it, he says.

I am not sure I get ambient its pleasant but dull; nice to have on in thebackground while you are working. Thats exactly what I want it for myself, he says, delighted. I do a lot of writing, and one of the ways I have of writing is by starting to make a piece of music of that kind and then, while Im carrying on writing, Im thinking: Theres a bit too much of that and not enough of this. So I go in and fiddle around with ita bit. I keep adjusting the music until its helping the writing, and then I adjust it less and less.

I had read that he initially made ambient music to help him when travelling, because he was frightened of flying; that it was supposed to be a kind of audio Mogadon. No, not Mogadon. One of the things you can get from music is surrender. From a lot of art, what youre saying is: Let it happen to me. Im going to let myself be out of control. Im going to let something else take over me. And thats what he wants to happen with this music.

That desire to surrender is interesting because, in many ways, he seems so controlled. I mention the interview with the Elvis song. Well, thats fair, isnt it? Its controlled but not controlling. You asked me whether Im controlling. Thats different to whether Im controlled. I think controlling would be if I said to the interviewer: Im taking some time out of the interview to play you something, but fuck you, Im in control here, so piss off. I didnt say that. I said Im taking some time out of the interview to play you something, but since you didnt request that, Im not expecting you to lose that time. Of course, I work in a role that could be seen as a controlling role as a producer. But, in fact, Im not that kind of producer. What I want to do is make situations where were all slightly at sea because people make their best work when they are alert, and alertness comes at the moment when you feel youre on the edge of being out of control. Youre not alert when youre settled and you know exactly what youre doing.

Ah, the collaborations. Much as Iadmire Eno the thinker and activist, like most of his fans it is Eno the collaborator/producer I love. And this is what I have really been looking forward to talking about. Like many middle-aged pop enthusiasts, I owe a huge debt to Eno. He has shaped so much of my favourite music from the first two Roxy Music albums, to Bowies Berlin trilogy and Talking Heads Remain in Light. Just as fascinating is his ability to mentor the more obviously commercial Coldplay and U2.

Eno with David Bowie and Bono at the Meltdown festival in 2002. Photograph: Kevin Mazur Archive/WireImage

Who has he enjoyed working with most? Pause. Probably Brian Eno! Hehehe! I keep returning to him. No, really, I say, which collaborations does he look back on with most satisfaction? Idont look back much, to be honest. Whenever I look back at music, I think how I could have done it better.

Is there nothing that makes him think, God, I love that? Well, I suppose every collaboration continued because I liked doing it. Some of them are funnier than others

Which ones? Erm Uch. I dont want to talk about this. I so dont want to talk about this. And again, an explosion. Look, weve got a few minutes left. Lets talk about something good.

Thats controlling, I say.

Its not controlling. Its just fucking boring. I have to keep myself awake. Im tired.

I dont understand, I say I dont even know what is so fucking boring that you are refusing to talk about.

I just dont want to talk about history. All that shit! You can find all this in other interviews Ive done. Ivebeen 40 years talking about other people Ive worked with. No, sorry. Imjust not interested.

Doesnt he think the idea that the interview should be entirely about the present and what he may do in the future is a bit unreasonable?

But you can do research, he says. And calm, measured Eno has turned into irascible Eno. Thats your job! Research! You can look through thousands of interviews Ive done where Ive talked about all of this. Thats your job! You get paid for it. I dont get paid for this, by the way!

I get paid to ask people questions, Isay.

OK, well, youve asked me and Ive said I dont want to answer them. Thats a fair deal, isnt it? I know what you were after, he says, and I dont want to go there. I dont want to go intoa historical gloss on my career because that is not where my thoughts are right now. Im thinking about something as were talking that were not talking about and I dont want to lose it.

What is he thinking about? That piece of music Im working on in there which I have been playing today and making changes to in between interviews.

Was he thinking that I was asking about Bowie?

I know you were.

Well, I kind of was and wasnt.

Well, you kind of were, he mocks.

No, I say, I was thinking of any number of the great collaborations, including Bowie.

Im not interested in talking about any of them. And I think it would be considerate of you to say: He doesnt want to talk about that, so there are plenty of other things he could talk about; hes quite an interesting guy. Then he tells me exactly how Im trying to trap him. I could ask him a million other questions, but I know because this would make a headline, so Im going to fucking ask him about that.

I think thats unfair, I say.

All right, sorry, that is unfair, Eno says.

Weve spent most of the time talking about politics.

Only because I asked you to, he replies sullenly.

OK, were going to have to have to wrap this up now, the publicist says.

I dont want to wrap it up on a badvibe, Eno says, talking fast and breathing heavily.

But weve ground to a halt. Im not sure that even his Oblique Strategies could help us now.

Im sorry, he says. Im very tired today because I didnt sleep last night. And I knew I was going to be ratty, so Im sorry about that. But I really dont want to spend the rest of my life Im now 68, so I might have another 15 to 20 years left talking about my history. So, given the little time Ive got left on this planet, I would really love to focus on some of the new things Im doing.

What new stuff have we not talked about that he would like to talk about, Iask. Silence. I point to the serene orange lightbox image in front of us, and ask if thats a recent piece of work. Yes, thats one of my new pieces. Yes, this is stuff Ive been doing for hospitals, he says. I was invited to make some of these for rooms where people are spending a long time in stressful situations. With that he calls the interview to an end.

Reflection is out now on Warp.

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from Brian Eno: Weve been in decline for 40 years Trump is a chance to rethink’