#i need to like the next book i read or im kms

[vithcy]

Finished my third book this year so I've met my reading goal ⭐

[fishtank32]

Please expect a serious slow down of my posting, especially fanart or drawings. I'll be getting a second job soon so I'll be busy every weekend from now on + plus my school is starting next month.

[regular-gnome]

Absolutely /adore/ your art and overall take on the Demon Realm world + it's history and the Archivists. Especially coming from someone who adores speculative biology and trying to find logic/science in magic (I'm not sure how to word it so it makes sense - basically almost everything you are doing here)

Curious if you have any ideas on how the titans managed to inhabit the planet, because Papa Titan's hand managed to reach the atmosphere just from lying down. There's no way that planet was big enough for a bunch of titans to walk around comfortably.

Idk much about planetary stuff, but is there some way the planet may have changed? Maybe the Archivists did something?

Sorry this ask got kinda long, hope you have a lovely day doing little gnome things :}

glad you like them!:D

So, one of the gnome things is overanalyzing things and avoiding doing math, but here we are, you actually made me read my biophysics notes from 4 years ago. There are a few things to really focus on and think about, but I gotta preface this by saying I am very much not an expert on speculative biology xD I just have the internet and some books I am basing my theories on

Titans:

First the titans themselves. A while ago, I made an approximation of how large the Boiling Isles titan is and got that it would be around 27 km in height post-mortem. Buuut if the titan was this height during its life is another question because it would run into some biophysics issues

Issues like the atmospheric pressure. At ground level, it is 101.3 kPa, but at 27 km, it falls is 1.6 hPa (titan bless wolframalpha for counting this as exp funtions are the death of me). That is 63 times higher pressure on their legs than on their head! Blood circulation would be shot to the moon. The blood is liquid that in general transports gasses so travelling fron upper body parts to lower ones where there is diffrent dissoving of oxygen would end up in gas bubbles, which are NOT GREAT. Additionally, their ability to stand up or lie down quickly would be pretty much non-existant as that would be super fast change of pressure and more bubbles. But okay, lets say they are like some kind of abyss fishes and keep constant internal pressure.. that would still mean their hearts would need to be either massive or they would have multiple pumping mechanisms to handle their size (maybe like the single-chamber hearts in fish??) And the thing is we saw their heart, it was big but not THAT big so unless it was just one of many, maybe the last beating heart there might be diffrent explanation. And Im not gonna even go into how temperature changes every 100m around 0,6C, lets say their fur makes them warm and cozy and blue blood avoids freezing problems like some arctic critters

bringing those graphs up again cause they show the altitude change nicely

All of this to say the titans during life were probably smaller. They would still have been massive, but maybe not three times the size of mt Everest massive. So next thing to consider is their magic. Their powers are closely tied to life, healing and creation and so, the demons on the Boiling Isles are said to have originated from it and their evolution waas likely sped up a lot thanks to it. Next we saw size-changing spells affecting King in the carnival episode, so it's not a stretch to believe that all titans could be affected by this kind of spells, with the strength depending on the particular titan's magic. So anyway as the titan was activly dying, its magic could have desperately attempted to save it by rapidly generating more cells to repair its failing systems, ending up in expansion of all tissues and their overall size. (Maybe thats why the vains were so big and empty in the mines, you cant create more energy so maybe the magic going with simmilar concept expanded everything around but not made more of blood?) However, despite these efforts, the magic would ultimately fail to save them. When it reached a critical point, maybe after using up most of its magical energy, the process would stop or change focus. There are some fun grusome possiblities on how that might have went down but this is already pretty long

So in short, I think the titans during life were big but only got island sized after death, otherwise theyd have some wild biological mechanisms battling physics and them becomming bigger would explain where did most of the blood go after death. Not to mention how much food they would need

Planet:

Next the size of the planet. While we don't have many clues to determine whether it's bigger or smaller than Earth, one clue is Luz's lack of reaction to changing gravity after passing through the door. If the planet were larger (or denser I know), she would feel change in g-force, so like the feeling of being on a lift going up in case of bigger planet or down in case of smaller. If the diffrence was significant she would develop issues with circulatory system and fatigue. But thats not the case and I do not have the energy to calculate min change xD

So let's say the planet is Earth-sized. This is still a lot. We don't know if there are any continents on the planet or their sizes, but even if there were same like earth, the scale is immense. If the Boiling Isles were the size of New York (based on titan's height) or even larger, say the size of Hawaii, compared to the world map, that's tiny. If Earh is 510 100 000 km², while NYC covers 1213,3 km² to cover the same area, we'd need 420423 titans lied up neatly next to each other. And thats if they are isles sized their whole life. There can also be landmasses where they can lay on, oceans deep enough to cover bodies, they can be stacked.... I don't think the planet necessarily needs to be much larger to accommodate creatures of this size

TOH as a show:

One thing to remember while analyzing shots from the show is that we we will run into contradictions because it's a show, one that is not focused on speculative biology. While most elements are well-constructed, some details may show inconsistencies. For example, determining the direction of north on a titan becomes challenging when one shot shows the sun setting in one direction and later another. Finding the titan's height poses difficulties when one shot shows their arm reaching the atmosphere while another barely shows them reaching it while standing. But its not due to carelessness, its more about serving purpose of the shot, conveying the atmosphere. They both show the titans are giant, the view from above is beautiful and if they were more focused on keeping them some arbitrery size it might have taken away from it

And Im pretty sure that I'm wrong around a lot of aspects here, how it wasnt supposed to be interpreted like that or its more convoluted than I realize. Thats just my take on this. World we live in can seem small as we can only see a tiny part of it but Earth is so amazingly vast. It's larger than we can comprehend, and yet, it's nothing compared to the vastness of the universe. So, yeah, some of my thoughts on titans and the demon realms planet xD peace

[s0upflavouredsoup]

WENT TO A BOOKSTORE TI GET THE BOOK OF BILLB😭😭😭🙁BUT ITS SOLD OUT AND THE NEXT RESTOCK IS MAYBE IN LATE SEPTWMBER IM GONNA KMS

I NEED TO READ ABOUT THAT STUPID GAY TRIANGLE AND PUT HIK IM A JAR AND SHAKR HIN AROUND LIKE A BUG😭😭😭OR ILK DIE

[st4rshipr4nger]

OML A TUA SHIFTER??? TELL ME EVERYTHING ABT YOUR DR RN 👹 (if thats ok w u 🥰)

EEEEEE HIIIIII YES YES YES I MOST DEFINITELY WILL

okay so im the handlers daughter (she adopts me she is NOT my birth mother) and then she adopts lila but were the same age so anyway she like raises us and stuff cause shes mother and so she trains us and shit like she does in the show with lila and also me and lila kind of have the same powers ish because okay idk if youre familiar with xmen but i like have rogues powers so like power absorption and taking peoples energy and stuff so like if i touch someone skin to skin ill take their powers if they have any and their energy and i kind of get their memories too, and so she makes me wear these gloves because one time i accidentally touched her when i was a baby and took some of her energy and she almost passed out or something, anyways being the handlers daughter obviously comes with trauma so when im like ten im like mom i dont like this i dont wanna do this anymore and shes like well thats too damn bad and i tell lila im running away but we make a plan to like meet up in the future so i run and shit one night and i find the umbrella academy a few days after and Pogo answers the door and i tell him about my powers because ive seen the hargreeves on television and on billboards and im like can i just like stay here for a little while and hes like yes ofcourse but i need to talk to sir reginald and hes like wow youre weird and then i kind of become like his labrat because he wants to see exactly how my powers work but hes also like youre fucking dangerous, so he gets this serum that makes my powers go away for a limited amount of time and i have to get injected with it every morning but i meet the hargreeves and we all get along pretty quickly and they like accept me into the family and oh my god GRACE :(((( i love her so much me and ben obviously have like a LITTLE thing but none of us is gonna admit it until like later but yeah reg doesnt trust me going on missions at first but he lets me go on one which kind of ends bad so he doesnt let me go on anymore and i have to stay on the sidelines with viktor ALSO me klaus ben diego and vik are super close i get closer with everyone else too but like specifically them so like yeah!! me and ben kiss literally like three days before he yk and then i want to kms !!! but its fine he watches me as a ghost for the next 18 years!!!! but yeah its obviously hard for all of us to take and stuff

ANYWAYS!!!

so when were all older we obviously go our seperate ways but i kind of stay in touch with diego klaus and viktor (allison never answers her damn phone and luthers on the moon) i read viktors book and i thought it was fine like i dont have an issue with it he was speaking facts that nobody else in the house wanted to admit and we were pretty much treated the same also after bens death i kind of like started doing drugs with klaus again because the serums were also just drugs like be fucking fr anyways klaus also never tells me that ben is looking over us and he feels bad about it but like klaus and i are really similar [in my dr everyones like oh hes just klaus but in another body] so im not like yk i cant like stay mad but trust in my dr i will be sorry buddy anyways i still talk to diego cause me and him are also bestfriends and i try to send messages up to the moon sometimes to luther cause he and diego were literally like i actually felt like family around them theyre like my brothers but obviously wtv

thats like kind of a backstory thing i left some things out but i love oversharing about some of the things in my drs its fun

let me know if you wanna hear more cause like eeeeeeeee

also im scripting that like i dont know klaus has ben on his shoulder and that stuff cause i like to make myself suffer a little bit

[kalims]

I just like really need to get this off my chest, so please. I don't care if you're just gonna read this but I'm so sick so I just wanna let it all out

ever since online started, my first thought was: yay! no more school. cause I thought it'd be easier for me. news flash, I was completely fucking wrong. for the last, what? two years my mental health has been crashing down, sometimes there's times where I think: oh. this is actually okay, I think I'm gonna be fine but then the next moment I'm bawling my eyes out about something I never wanted to live my life doing.

school sucks. it took me years, semester after semester to get used to it. my first year was horrible, I was behind everything. I ignored everything, I procrastinated my works and I thought when it was finally time to pass them: I'll never get past this. but im here, somehow I'm here and yet again I'm facing another wall. i feel hopeless again. and this year. it's the most hopeful I've been, I've been better. so much better than this is the first time I've ever been truly proud of myself. but now I don't know anymore.

my grades came and I'm ashamed to say they aren't high, funny how I'm insecure even about a few numbers thats supposed to decide my life course.

it's unhealthy but when I face things like this, the only thought I had was how much I wanted to die. im humiliated of myself because I'm so fucking pathetic, I can change my life right now but I can't and i don't even know why. it's funny cause i keep telling my freind that I'll kms but I'm still alive, cause im too young. and i don't know how to disappear. I'm trying to stay alive because for once, I want to be good in something that no one will ever surpass me in.

my mom's facing me right now, she's laughing. I can see that she's holding in her laughs at the face of my tears.  she's comforting me but I can't take her words to heart. it goes out of one ear and out of the other.

and as much as I love everyone I've met with all my heart, my freinds, I love them so much and I appreciate them. but sometimes I feel so lonely because no one has ever said nice things to me, to validate my feelings, but I was okay because I was always used to being left with my thoughts and just passing one of it with a few jokes. I hate that no one was ever willing to ask me: "are you okay? do you wanna talk about it?" without me asking for it first. maybe some people did ask me about it, I cant remember. thank you for them.

even if I did receive one of them. I probably chose to brush it off. god I make no sense right now.

to the strangers, people, online and irl freinds I have. I'm so sick, my best freind. I always played as someone she could trust, I hate that I'm talking to her behind her back rn but I couldn't fucking careless right now because I can't tell if I'm just on my period. whenever I rant to her about topics I'm interested in (an anime, genshin, just topics I love) she always just sends one worded replies like "what" or "okay" one time she even told me that she couldn't give a shit about things she didn't know about. a few days ago, idk when. she asked to rant about her book, which of. I didn't even know about. I told her "sure. do you even have to ask?" and then I let her send me lengthy messages, I even made comments about it.

I'm so sick telling other people the exact same words that I want to hear.

okay let's put it simply. I'm the therapist friend, I always wanted to take psychology. I'm the girl that asks google on how to comfort someone so I can provide better comfort. I'm selfish for wanting to be comforted myself but who the hell am I anyways? I don't have a lot of irl freinds, sometimes in online I feel isolated cause I don't really ever fit in. I'm not pretty, I know I can be smart if I actually put in the effort and if I wasn't so lazy, I'm not rich, in fact my family isn't very wealthy. I look at other people and the only thing I can do is stare in envy because I can never get it.

I don't know how to make myself look good, I don't know shit about makeup, I don't even know anything about basic information I'm supposed to do. I know I won't able be ever let outside my house to hang out with friends because my parents are strict.

I hate that all my friends are better than me in one way or another. I always thought to myself: I want to live another life. because i was truly, upset, and unhappy in this one. no matter how many times I feel happy there's always gonna be something that's gonna drag me down again.

when I finally choose to open up to my parents, the thing they always do is laugh at me. they treat my words like it's a joke, maybe it's just a common reaction but I'm sensitive. that sounds oddly like a pick me but I want to be honest with my feelings without using jokes to dismiss it.

I love them, but I hate them because they always choose to try and force my feelings out of me. they threaten to take away my phone when I dont talk to them and it's exhausting to talk about something that I don't wanna talk about to someone like them.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being a big sister, I'm tired of being a daughter, I'm tired of being a freind, and I'm so fucking tired of living. it sucks.

I'm so tired of being yelled at because I didn't have the energy to finish a school work that I didn't want to do in the first place. I'm tired of being called that it's my fault for having a bad grade. I'm so fucking tired of putting up with everything. I'm so tired that I'm always the one being blamed when my brother does something wrong. I'm so tired of never really having anything for myself because if I ask for something it will only burden my family, so I'd be content with everything I have even if it isn't a lot as long as I'd be able to do the stuff I love.

"it will pass", I believe that saying but I just want it to end right now. I don't want it to pass. it sucks that I can't do anything right now. all I can do is drag myself to my desk and let a bunch of things confuse me. everything I do, it always ended in disaster. as much as i hate to say it, it really is all my fault.

my parents stay silent but I can't tell if their silence is worse then when they're scolding or screaming to me about something. I hate them so much because of the non-existent psychological pressure and torture they put me through. I lie to them, just so I can save myself from that again.

for now. I'll just force myself to not play anything until I finish every single fucking thing. I don't care if I end up staying up for days but who cares anyways? I just hoped my parents would've let me down slowly instead of blaming it all on me on one go. I sound so edgy rn. honestly there's a lot more but i don't have the energy anymore. this prolly means I won't post for a while. thanks. bye.

[xwing-baby]

The Guide: Chapter 1/? (Ezra x f!Reader)

gif from @spectroscopes

word count: 5.2k

chapter warnings: reluctant saviour to lovers, injury to reader, one mention of rape, little angst, world building :)

summary: The Guide to Everything Ever is expanding, you are sent out to the furthest reaches of Nowhere to catalogue the planets there. What should have been a quick research mission quickly turns to disaster when you crash on a small forest moon. Injured, with no means of communication, you have to rely on the good will of a mysterious stranger...

a/n: first ever Ezra fic lets gooo!! i am super hyped for this i hope you all enjoy it as much as i do <3

masterlist // asks are always open :)

--

While The Guide to Everything Ever did cover everything ever, it was a little misleading in the boundaries of everything. History was no issue, there was even a large section of the book on prophecy, millions of consequences mapped out on a fold out flow chart. No, the issue was with physical boundaries of everything.

A long time ago the boundaries of the civilised universe were drawn up. From Eden to Xion-5, trillions of stars and quadrillions of planets all included inside the red line separating us from the somehow even more vast expanse of Nothing. There was nothing in Nothing, that much was well known. That was until a group of explorers did what explorers do and found Something. Something in Nothing makes Nothing impossible so the leaders of this great universe came together and decided The Guide to Everything Ever had to include this new Something in their Everything.

That is where you come in.

The Guide to Everything Ever has always relied on first-hand experience. The first edition was a disaster. It only contained the things everybody knew: how to fold a bedsheet and how to get your dog to not hump the postman. The only vaguely interesting part of the Guide was the planetary comments. Even those could send the most interested scientist to sleep! They tried using robots for the first edition, a mere collection of data from far away planets. This was not successful and The Guide only sold four copies.

The next edition was more ambitious. The editors worked out people were a lot more interested in different planets than they were in barbarian fortifications but they did not want to read reams of boring data from a robot called Steve. They wanted a real Steve to give his experience on these new planets. Honest, often humorous, and yet entirely educational extracts of missions across the stars. It didn’t matter that space travel was accessible to everyone. It saved everyone a lot of time waiting in those cold and boring shuttles to get from one side of the universe to another. They could sit in the comfort of their own homes and learn about the man-sized carnivorous plants of Ereta, the beautiful fabrics created on Lii, or which drinks to avoid if you ever find yourself in a Beetjing bar.

The Guide was a success from that point onwards and expanded each year. Soon the job of researcher became a coveted occupation. You were lucky to get into the academy. Only ten new researchers were added each century. You worked your entire life to get in and it paid off, you were off on your first mission into the furthest reaches of Nothing to report back on the wild ‘verse that filled it.

A long time ago space travel was thought of as the most exciting thing anyone could ever do. It was for a few decades but two centuries later it was commonplace. A lot like the London Underground, you just stuck your headphones on and let that distract you until you reached your far more interesting destination.

For your trip you had chosen to watch Anzarch Hospital. A rather cheesy Martian holovid show, it had been going for years. You were on season 85, with only ten episodes left until you were entirely caught up ready for the season finale which was due to air when you returned from this trip. You would rather be at home watching the episodes but this trip to the end of the line was necessary. It wouldn’t take long, a few rotations at least and then you could go to Annie’s party and watch everyone’s favourite doctor finally find out who killed her robot nurse wife.

Nobody ever said Martian holovids were high class, but they were fun.

The computer interrupted your binge, alerting you with a ding that you were within range of your destination and would be stepping out of hyperspace. You pressed a few buttons, accepted the action, and went back to the episode.

It wasn’t until a few moments later when the lower pitch dong did not sound to let you know you had dropped out. Confused, you switched off the holovid and moved back to the cockpit. It was a new ship, it shouldn't have hyperdrive issues yet. But well versed as you were with glitchy hyperdrives you knew what to do. You pressed some buttons, pulled a lever, dragged the ship out of autopilot and twisted one final knob to drop out safely and without panic.

Your routine was correct. The ship dropped out of hyperspace but as the darkness cleared so did any sense of calm. You were already in the thermosphere, hurtling down to the forest covered grounds at electric speeds. Alarms blared as soon as the devices registered the new atmosphere and severe lack of control.

“Please slow down, your destination is ahead at 750 km,” The computer said cheerfully.

“Stupid thing! You’re going to kill me!” You yelled over the alarms.

“That’s not very nice,” The computer replied, “It’s not my fault the hyperdrive isn’t working,”

“You knew?” You shouted. The sides of the ship rumbled and rattled as the change in air density dragged along the surface. The holoprojector vibrated off the table, crashing to the ground and smashing into pieces. There goes all your holovid downloads, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Destination in 400km,” Every minute of your training was coming back as you worked through every combination of buttons and levers on your dash. Nothing was working.

“Computer? Is there still a parachute in this model?” It was archaic but you prayed that your ship was old enough to still be fitted with one. If it, wasn’t you were never going to slow down fast enough?

“Yes, would you like me to deploy it?” The computer asked.

“Yes!” You shouted at the machine.

“Deploying parachute,”

The parachute erupted from the back of the ship with a loud hiss and pop as it opened into the air. The sudden draw backward lurched you forward, smacking your head onto the metal dash in front of you.

You groaned, holding your hand to the injury immediately. A good splattering of blood now set across the screen and was dripping down your face into your eyes.

“Destiable approach im one minu,” The computer said. You frowned, trying to concrete over the throbbing pain in your head. “Systeeee affectabed,”

“Please tell me I’m not having a stroke,” You pleaded. You were not. You could speak and understand language perfectly. The computer, however, was not okay.

Computers are all well and good, very helpful things to have around that is until their processors are catapulted out by a poorly fitted fabric parachute.

You didn’t have time to worry about the broken computer as the trees below were coming closer and closer.

“Fourteenth millennia remaaaa,” The computer slurred. You ignored it. You didn’t need a reminder of how closer to being impaled by a huge tree you were. Instead of panicking you did the only thing you could, strap in and hope that it was all over quickly.

You pulled the straps of the pilot’s seat down tight over your arms, gripped the armrest tight and shut your eyes. The ship whistled through the air, the drag of the parachute doing very little to slow it down. You screwed your eyes shut, cursing every god you have ever known at your terrible luck. You would never see your family again, never see your friends again, and even more importantly you would never find out who killed the nurse in Anzarch Hospital!

The first contact with forest sent the ship off its course, spinning wildly out of control as the craft hit branch after branch. You screamed as the ship tumbled to the ground.

Finally, you came to a stop. Upside down, hanging from a tree, your ship rocked from side to side. You groaned, aching all over from the rough treatment of your descent. You spat out the blood that had pooled in your mouth and tried to think of a plan. Much like the now dead computer you couldn’t really think in words. More drawled sentences drowned out by pain.

The smell of fuel was the thing to get you moving. You gently unbuckled yourself from the seat, careful to not drop yourself on the ceiling and injure yourself anymore. You climbed around the small circular pod to reach the door.

Inhospitable atmosphere. Air unfit for external respiration, respirator advised.

You grumbled and cursed as that warning meant you’d have to climb up the wall of the still swaying pod to reach your kit. It was heavy and difficult to put on at the best of times, this was quite possibly the worst of times.

With a sharp tug the suit and helmet fell out of the cupboard above your head, narrowly missing you as it fell. Carefully, so as not to trip on the steel beams of the ceiling at your feet or cause the ship to swing and fall any further, you pulled the suit on. It was soft, having never been worn before, lightweight and fit you well. The helmet was heavy, a seal at the bottom to prevent any toxins leaking in and the filter was attached to the back of the dome. It was not ideal but you hoped you could find civilization quickly and would be able to take it off fast.

Helmet on. Bag on. Boots tied. Out the door.

In the small amount of luck, you still held, the ship was only six feet above the ground. You sat on the top of the door and jumped out, landing gracefully on your feet in a large patch of unusual plants. The air filter quietly hummed as it set to work cleaning the air around you and you inspected your surroundings. That was where your luck ran out, as you gathered yourself together you looked to your wrist, to the screen of your watch to look at a map to discover the direction you should go, only to find it smashed beyond repair. You had no guidance.

Dark forest was all you could see in any direction. The canopy was so dense only a small sprinkle of light made its way to the floor. Bouncing off the particles in the air, the space around you glittered in the light. It was silent, only the wind rustling through the grass and twigs under your boots made any noise. You picked a direction and walked, hoping you would come across someone soon.

You found a single well-trodden path after an hour of walking through waist high grass, the pollen of which had now covered your suit in a green blue film that made your hands itch terribly when you touched it, bringing up red rashes almost immediately.

The path made its way through the trees, more light coming through as you made it to the edge of the forest. You couldn’t make out much beyond the break in the trees as the contrast between the darker interior showed the outside in white light. You smiled; open space probably meant civilisation!

As you approached the light your eyes began to strain. Sharp pain cut into your eyes, you groaned and squinted bringing your hands to your helmet to cover them automatically. It was no use as a migraine was quickly taking hold. You continued forward, finally breaking the tree line, feeling the heat of the sun through the thin fabric of your suit.

Then everything went black

--

“What a curious creature,” A low voice woke you. Slowly you gained consciousness, immediately aware of the throbbing pain throughout your body, you pushed to sit up only to feel a heavy weight on your shoulder, “Careful now,” The stranger warned you. You peeled your eyes open and looked up at the creature that spoke. Dome headed in a yellowed fabric suit, Light reflecting off his head obscured his face. The creature spoke kindly and you would have believed the tone too if it weren’t for the pressure of his foot on your forearm and gun in your face. “What’s a thing like you doing in these parts?”

“I-I’m injured,” You tried to speak confidently but your pain overtook your tone as you opened your mouth, “My ship crashed not far from here,”

“Curiouser and curiouser,” The creature mused.

“Please,” You choked out as darkness threatened your vision once more, “Help me,”

The creature frowned, contemplating his decision as if he were choosing a candy bar at a corner store. You tried to move from under him but the effort was too much and you fell into unconsciousness again.

As your eyes closed and breathing softened, the stranger released his foot from your shoulder. His boot left a muddy footprint on the white material that covered your arm. He watched you for a few more seconds, then presuming you were dead he stepped over your body to the blue rucksack that had fallen just behind you. He was in desperate need of medical supplies and clean clothes wouldn’t hurt either.

The stranger rooted through the rucksack, pulling all kinds of things out. Clothes and food, writing equipment and a flip up device that he did not recognise as anything useful. There were no weapons, and no survival equipment of any kind. You were packed for a Sunday stroll, not a trip to the Green. Whoever you were, you were not like the usual people who came here.

The stranger’s cool demeanour changed when he saw your identification card. A gold card, approximately the size of his palm fell out of the bag and into his lap with a soft tap. He picked it up and inspected it, instantly knowing he was screwed. The Guide’s golden emblem was easy to recognise, while he couldn’t read the language that inscribed the card, he could make assumptions. You were a researcher. It was a well-known fact that Guide researchers were protected. If anyone found out you were dead, he would be convicted no matter what he said. There would be no planet in the entire universe he could hide on from the Guide.

Begrudgingly, he had to save you.

Without any other option, he shoved the contents of your bag back inside its original case and threw it over his shoulder. Then came the difficult task of moving you. It wasn’t for lack of strength that the stranger had difficulty with this task, more to do with the fact he had only one arm. He knew it wasn’t far to his camp, he had only been walking for five minutes before you fell into his path.

He couldn’t carry you. With only one arm it didn’t matter how strong the man was he could never hold you up well enough. He tried to wake you first, it would be far more helpful to him if you could walk. He shook your shoulders to try and rouse you but you were out cold. He had no choice but to drag you.

A quick assessment of your body told him you were not injured too badly, apart from the sores developing on your hands from exposure to pollen and a wound on your forehead inside your helmet. He checked your pulse again, feeling it strong through his gloves he was happy that you were not dead and would not be wasting his time. He grabbed the fabric around your shoulders and pulled you back to his camp.

It took a while but he made it there safely without cracking your helmet or injuring you anymore. He set you down on the floor of his tent, pulled his helmet off for comfort, then got to setting up a recovery bed for you.

The stranger pulled a rolled-up mat from under his cot and placed it on the ground and finally rolled your body in its final place on top and he waited for you to wake up again. It wouldn’t take long, he heard you mutter something as he carried you back and even in the low light of his tent, he could see your eyes moving behind your eyelids. The stranger sat on the edge of his cot, watching you carefully with his weapon in hand in case you woke up violent.

After a few moments, you began to stir. The first thing you noticed as you gained consciousness was the pain in your body. Every inch of your body throbbed but nothing more than your head. You felt hard ground beneath you, but no leaves or dirt, it was cold to touch. You peeled your eyes open, met with a low orange light bouncing off dark tent like material.

“Do not be alarmed,” A man said from across the room. You immediately turned your head to see but saw nothing more than a dark blob, “You are safe,”

You found it very hard not to be alarmed. The last thing you remembered was getting out of your ship into a forest, now you were in a small dark tent lit by one single golden lightbulb with a strange blob sat across from you.

Carefully, you pushed yourself up to sit up from your position on the floor. Noticing the blob was more of a man, and without a helmet, you figured it was probably safe to remove yours. With a sharp tug and a hiss from the oxygen tank you were open to the air and you set the helmet down next you. You rubbed your hand across the back of your neck, screwing your eyes shut as a headache shot through your skull.

You studied the man in the soft light. You could not guess his age, simultaneously old and young, you guessed he was a little older than you. He had tanned skin and dark hair with a curious white, blonde streak in the front. A surprisingly well-kept moustache and a spattered beard covered his lower face and a white scar on his left cheek all together created an intriguing character.

“Are you comfortable?” He asked. You nodded. His kindness was unsettling. There was a gentle tone to his voice and a kindness in his eyes but everything outside of that was the complete opposite. You could not remember how you got here; all you knew was the pain your body was in. Had he attacked you? Had he saved you from something else? He could have killed you, but he didn’t. Something must have enticed him to save you and bring you here. Then you saw it.

In the stranger’s hand, he held a gold card. Your identification card. The golden emblem projecting from the card flickered in the poor light, showing your name and number and rank.

“Should I be asking for an autograph?” The stranger looked back up at you, a smirk on his lips, “I’ve always wanted to meet an author,”

“I-I am not an author,” You coughed, clearing your throat before speaking, “I’m a researcher,”

“You pen those books though, don't you? The Guide?” He asked, “There’s not that much literature being produced this day and age,”

“Technically, but we like to think it’s a team effort,” You shrugged, “I just collect the data and write preliminary reports,”

“Does your team know you’re lost here?” The stranger asked.

“No, I… I don’t know,” You said sadly. The computer had broken before you could send a distress call. With no way to get a message to them from the outer ‘verse it would take weeks for anyone to realise anything was wrong, “I would have to find a signal strong enough to send a distress message but the only way I could do that was with my ship,” You thought aloud. You paused for a moment, trying to remember what actually happened when you fell from the sky, “Where is my ship? Where are we?”

“I never saw your transport I’m afraid,” The stranger said, “You must have walked a considerable distance before crossing paths with me,” You frowned, without your ship you were stuck, “I brought your backpack, if that's of any aid to you,”

You immediately lit up. Taking that as a yes, the stranger reached over the cot and pulled up your rucksack. It was caked in mud and a lot less full than you know it should have been, but you ignored his looting and grabbed the bag from his hands.

The only things left inside were your underwear and a hygiene kit. Your stomach twisted at the thought that you had lost the most important item in the bag. Dumping the contents on the floor you searched through every pocket. The Stranger watched you, one brow raised, wondering what you were looking for.

“Did you take it?” You asked, “It won’t work for anyone but me, you might as well give it back,”

“I do not understand,” The stranger looked puzzled, looking down at the things on the floor to see what had upset you.

“My Guide, where is it? I don’t care about the other things, I need that back,”

“There were no books in there,”

“That is Federation property,”

“You’re going to have to explain what it is you’re so agitated about; I do not know what your Guide is,”

“You do, because you stole it!” You exclaimed. Raising your voice made your head hurt more, you flinched and screwed your eyes shut again.

“I am many things but I am not a thief,” The Stranger was offended by your accusation. You scowled at him. He was a liar and a thief, “I took the food from your bag as payment for my saving you,”

“The Guide uses my biometrics, it won’t be of any use to you or anyone you could sell it to,”

“Hold on, do you mean the flip device?”

“Yes!”

“That thing’s important?” He seemed genuinely surprised, “You can have it, it’s no use to me,”

The stranger stood up and walked the two steps to the other side of the small space. From a cluttered table he picked up the black computer. You sighed in relief, there could be some hope for you yet. He passed you the gadget which to your amazement was still in working order. It had got a little scratched in the crash but you pressed your thumb to the lock and it opened it instantly.

Every researcher had their own personal guide. Similar to an ancient flip phone, used commonly on Earth in the early 2000’s, each Guide was a little bigger than your palm. Though small, it was very mighty. Not only did it store every piece of information a researcher collected, but it also allowed communication through text, audio and holo. Through the System there was unlimited access to other researchers' files, yet unpublished information and access to the ‘verse's existing records. There were maps and history of every planet, and more importantly to you at that moment, census records.

As you had expected, you had no signal on the surface of the moon to send a message to headquarters for a rescue. Instead you focused on what you could find out.

From the corner of your eye, you noticed the man’s suit. Though a little hard to read in the dim light you could make out what looked to be an ID number. You had to know who your captor (or saviour) really was. 875-162.

You typed in the worn black ink digits and waited. Nothing was notorious for its poor reception. The stranger was no longer interested in you know you were engrossed in the computer and not trying to attack him, he got up and was rustling around out of view.

Finally, the page loaded. A photo matching the stranger, though a little younger looking, flashed up in holo. You quickly covered the beam with your finger so as not to alert the man with you. You swiped down to read the information.

“Ezra,” You said under your breath as you read the page.

“I don’t remember giving you my name,” Ezra spoke, making you jump. You looked up, cheeks growing hot as you realised you had said it out loud.

“I searched your ID number,” you said, embarrassed you’d been caught, you told the truth. Ezra frowned, looking around him to see where you had seen it. You pointed to the suit piled up on the floor. The numbers were faded and hard to make out from the distance but you had worked it out. Ezra followed your finger and chuckled lightly.

“I forgot such identification exists,” He said, “You have good eyes to make it out from there,” He added.

You hummed in agreement. You were in perfect condition, had to be for the work. Perfect condition except for the concussion and various bruises on your body.

“Well now you know my name, can I enquire as to yours? I doubt that everyone calls you Researcher 42,” Ezra read your name from the ID card beforehand. Leant against the shelves next to him, he looked down at you.

“Some do,” You said plainly.

“That ‘some’ includes me, does it,” He raised an eyebrow, not expecting you to become so cold.

“Seems like it,”

“42 seems a little impersonal considering I just saved your life,”

“I’m meant to stay separated from my subjects. Anonymity helps with objectivity,” You explained. That wasn’t entirely true. You had always made friends with at least one person in every planet or city you researched. It was how you got the inside scoop, the local knowledge that made your articles so popular. Guide Guidance said that researchers stay anonymous for objectivity, but your popularity said otherwise. You just didn’t want to get any closer to Ezra, even just a quick glance at his record told you that he was not someone you wanted to be friends with.

As he had already shown you, he was a thief. He had been convicted of fraud, arson and two counts of murder. No wonder he was here. Most of the places in Nothing were hot beds for criminals like him. Nowhere in Everywhere would hire him, you expected that he had been hired by a contractor to come here and work for his freedom. There wasn’t much freedom stuck on the green though.

“Whether you give me your name or not, you’ve not got much choice in staying separated. A helpless thing like you will need protection here,”

“And you’ll offer that for free, will you?” You asked sarcastically, immediately knowing he would want something from you in return. You were already indebted to him for saving your life.

“There are a few things I desire,” He looked over your body, smirk twitching on his lips. You curled your lip and moved away from him.

“If you’re going to rape me, I’d rather try my luck out there by myself,”

“Oh no! No, little mouse I would never. I have done some felonious acts but I am not a savage!” He exclaimed quickly covering for himself. You regarded him sceptically. He had supposedly killed two people; he’d already crossed a line most people would not. You didn’t believe he wouldn’t step over that line too. “No, The Guide will want you back, I imagine anyone who returned you would be well rewarded,”

“Possibly,”

“Here’s my offer. I provide protection and shelter whilst you are here, and come that fateful day your deliverance arrives, you will negotiate considerable compensation for me,”

“What compensation would you want?”

“Enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my days free of obligation, a ship to get me off this rock and a clear record,”

“And if I say no?”

“Then you can see how well you fare in the forest alone. Food is pretty scarce this time of year and I wouldn’t put it past a few of them to push some more… basic human morals,” Ezra smirked as your eyes double in size. In all your travels you had never encountered cannibals, not human cannibals anyway.

“I- I can’t promise anything,” You stumbled over your worlds as you accepted faster than you should have. You didn’t know there was anyone other than Ezra on this planet, but you were not in the mood to find out.

“We will discuss details when the time comes,” He said. You nodded. “Now we have all that out the way,” He stood up from the floor, “I have to get to work,”

“What about me?”

“You aren’t coming with me,” He said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“But you just said-,” you started to protest until Ezra pulled a gun from seemingly nowhere, you immediately shut your mouth and flinched, “What is that?”

“Protection,” He held the gun out, waiting for you to take it.

“No, no, no! You said-“

“Until your people come to your aid, and give me my money, I’ve got to keep working. Any time wasted is money lost out here,” He explained impatiently. He stepped back closer to you and dropped the gun in your lap, “I assume you do know how to use that even if you don’t carry one yourself?”

You looked at the gun, assessing it properly. It wasn’t complicated, a barrel you assumed was already full of bullets and a trigger. Nothing you hadn’t seen before, apart from the electrical tape that was holding it together. With no more protest from you, Ezra assumed it was fine and stepped away, resuming his routine.

“I will be back at sundown. Help yourself to some food,” He told you.

“My food,” You corrected him.

“Remember who is dependent on who here, 42,” He said scornfully. With that he put his helmet back on to his head and left the tent leaving you all alone.

You waited a few moments to make sure he was gone before making your move. You couldn’t stay with a murderer. You were safer in your ship, wherever it was. You could make a distress call and be rescued. Ezra would never know.

You pushed the gun from your lap onto the floor and tried to stand up. Sat down you could feel how sore your limbs were, your back ached from just sitting up for a few minutes and you were pretty sure you could feel every bone in your feet. A light touch to the forehead told you there was a sizable egg growing on top.

Standing up the pain was worse. You immediately became dizzy, gripping onto the metal shelf quickly to stop yourself from falling. You cursed under your breath and took a deep breath. You could do it.

Or maybe you couldn’t.

You took one step towards the table of things Ezra kept, and fell back on your ass. You were lucky not to pull the shelves down with you as it rocked forward slightly. A few items fell off, narrowly missing you. You dodged the heavy items, cringing as the metal thumped to the ground.

Listening to your screaming body, you gave up. You shuffled back to your previously comfortable position against the wall of the tent and looked around you for something to keep yourself occupied.

There at your feet lay a small book. Ezra wasn’t lying when he said he wanted to meet an author, he apparently was a bibliophile. You picked the paper up, stretching to reach it over your bruised and aching legs. It was well worn, obviously water damaged as the pages curled and the image on the front as warped beyond recognition. The title: “Welcome to the Green”.

You were not going anywhere.

--

sooo what do you think? i had so much fun writing this fic, i hope you guys enjoyed it too. let me know if you want to be tagged in the next part :D

TAGGING usuals and interested people :): @hunters-heathen @peterssweetpea @beskarbabs @wille-zarr @fandom-blackhole @writeforfandoms @dindja @amneris21 @yespolkadotkitty

[bisexualmindcabin]

A Small Guide to Reducing Your Footprint While Broke

Most efforts to reducing our waste and being more green are usually not that affordable. While they mostly will save you money in the long run, they are expensive items to first buy, and when you’re struggling to make rent you don’t feel like going for the most expensive item - no matter if it’ll end up saving you 20 dollars by next year. 

So here are a compilation of things that are cheap or free that will help the enviroment and your wallet! 

Web Stuff:

- Put Ecosia as your default search engine on your laptop, phone or tablet (and grab your friend’s phones when they aren’t looking and put it there too). They are a Chromium based search engine that plants trees with the revenue from your searches! They plant a tree after roughly 46 searches, all their energy comes from solar panels, and also they don’t sell your data to third parties.

- Go into GreaterGood.com and into their Click to Give campaings! It’s free to you, and you can click once a day. Just don’t give to their Autism Campaing - they’re sponsored by Autism Speaks, an ableist organization that wants to “cure” autism. 

- Not a green tip, but a money saving one: if you shop online, join Honey, its a crome extension that finds you coupons on every purchase you do. Then maybe you can, y’know, plant a tree with the money you saved or something.

- Follow @brokestminimalist on here, they are better at adulting than me, and they have some very good posts on how to save money and time in usually very green ways.

Out and About Stuff:

- You must’ve read this one before, but refuse panphlets and freebies. And also bags, straws, lids, and basically anything you don’t need, or anything you are able to go without and would end up throwing away rapidly. These things add up.

- Shop locally and in small businesses whenever possible It activates local economy and reduces de chances that your food had to travel long spaces or was sprayed with toxic chemicals that affect the earth around it. 

- Always carry around your own bags. You don’t need a fancy bag, just use our backpack, or an old bag from a gift you recieved, or some of the plastic bags from that one bag of bags you got under your sink. (And if you ever forget, save those new bags to reuse later at least).

- Try, to the best of your abilities, to use public transit, walk, or cycle the most you can. Also try to look up which of the public transit options you have (if you have more than one) is the greener one. And for the love of god, unless you have a good reason, don’t take a bus for just 6 blocks.

- If you have no choice but to use a car, then carpool, and make sure your car is as efficient as possible: remove extra weight where possible, make sure your tires are properly inflated and have the right air pressure, and slow down your travel speed by 10 km/h (6mph). All of this will both make you have a smaller enviromental impact and also save you gas money and maintenence costs.

- Carry your own water bottle and snacks/lunch to avoid buying things out of hunger while outside.

Food stuff:

- Honestly, go dumpster diving near closing times. It’s less gross than you think, will save you money, and will save perfectly good food from being sent to landfill and creating methane gas.

- Make your own apple cider vinegar out of apple scraps, like cores and skins. it’s as simple and putting the scraps on a jar, filling the jar with water and one or two tsp of sugar, covering the jar with some cloth and leaving the jar in a dark, warm place, stirring once or twice a day.

- Grow your own herbs and medicinal plants. Grow stuff like aloe in a pot (wich you can grow from a piece of a leaf), green onions, celery and leek (you can grow them in a windowsill by simply putting the ends on water!), and really anything else that you can grow easily that you use frecuently. Look at what your needs are, what you buy the most, and try to grow something that satisfies THAT.

- Make your own veggie stock with your scraps. Use skins, ends and leaves from carrots, potatoes, sweet potatoes, onions, pumpkins, celery, zuchinnis, tomatoes, and really any vegetable you use that has a soup named after it (I wouldn’t put lettuce there, for example). I have also started to put the water that comes on canned veggies, after all its just salt and veggie juice, which is all this stock is gonna be about. Set your chickpea water apart, tho. It’s called aquafaba and its an excellent egg replacement.

- Go vegan, if you can. It’s the most impactful individual action you can have for the enviroment, and it can be made unexpesively (its just easier or harder to do depending on where you live). If you can’t, then try to reduce your meat, eggs and dairy consumption. Remember you don’t have to do it perfectly to make a difference.

- Cook more at home. You know this one. Also, turn off your heating for 20 minutes before and just warm your house with the excess heat from cooking. If you did something in a pot with water, allow the water to cool before throwing it fro that sweet sweet heat.

Trash and Treasure:

- Look up your local recycling plant, and see what you can recycle on the curbside and what you can’t, and also what days are reserved por picking up recycling. Make sure the things you put there are clean and dry. (yep, you gotta wash your trash if you wanna recycle it). There’s even a chance you can make a profit off of recyclables, but if you figure out how to let me know.

- Compost at home. It’s fairly simple, and it can be done in apartments too. Research your different choices and how to properly take care of it for cheap, flea-less, rat-less, and odor-less compost.

- Im not gonna tell you to buy second hand clothes, because you probably already do, but buy second hand everything. You can get furniture, home appliances and cookware secondhand. Look around for garage sales and pawn shops.

- Mend the things you already own. Learn embroidery and some basic sewing skills for your clothes. Glue the sole of your shoes together when they start to fall apart. Teach yourself how to fix your things, youtube is right there.

- Use your public library! For gods sake! Many tumblr posts have tackled this issue better than I ever could. Use your public library. They might even have some tools or cookware you can borrow just like books instead of having to buy them yourself.

- Bulk shop. It can really be cheaper than buying in package, and you can just avoid that plastic and also avoid buying more than you need.

But the most important thing you can do is protest. None of these things, as good as they are, are enough to stop climate change. We need systematic change, and it has to come from our goverments. So donate, join activism groups, or protest.

[ghjdeacon]

The longer I put it off the more difficult it becomes, so I’m going to have to get on and write this blog if I like it or not. Please excuse all the errors, I try and correct them as I go along but it’s sometimes hard to spot them! Even though they’re obvious .

Here I am in a place called Saly which is a small resort town about an hour and a half south of Dakar. Victor has gone to Bamako for work and for a short period I considered going as well. After all I’ve never been to Mali and Nicky Fenton is there. but I can’t go anywhere as I have no passport, it’s being processed for a Visa at the Guinean embassy.

To recap, After dropping David off at leyoune airport, I spent a couple of days with Robert Powell and then sped through the rest of Western Sahara to the border with Mauritania. What a scruffy place The whole experience was pretty unpleasant but the gap between Morocco and Mauritania was as bad a road as I have driven on and literally covered in crap in plastic bags and bottles et cetera! Needless to say they were fixers there which I didn’t really need but who were actually quite useful but I find myself stuck with a fellow all the way to najinhibbou which is just over the border. I say just over the border but more like 50 km at the end of a long spit. It is a very busy port town and bustling! And very hot with millions of cars and chaotic roads. I am rescued by a fellow called Omar who claims to be a teacher but like most of The disarmingly friendly strangers who meet you (rather than the other way round,) they are after the money in my pocket nevertheless he is very friendly and we have an amusing evening together, and I cannot fault him for his friendliness.

Conscious that Mauritania isa big country but only have 10 days to get through it I don’t want to hang around especially if I get the information and meet somebody who is going to go with me to go and see inland(The customs man was only going to give me three days to transit the country and! I had to persuade him to give me more time in case I wanted to stay and see the country! As it turns out he was right and I was wrong there is nothing to see in Mauritania .

The road is pretty easy to follow but it’s broken pavement and some of the potholes are dreadful requiring very careful concentration to avoid breaking anything, but there is plenty of wide open space alongside the road to pull off and kip for the night

Nouakchott turned out to be a pleasant surprise there is money in the cashpoints more than half the time (that is cif you can find one and there are plenty around) it was not insanely hot, there was a supermarket near where I was staying in and then traffic was not too chaotic". Overall a whole lot better than that place I could never spell on the Mauritanian border, I. After a night and day resting I set off for the border with Senegal 7 hours or more further self. I camped in the most amazing place in the middle of nowhere but had rather a good journey down aiming for the crossing that was not at Rosso that is the western crossing the Western crossing point going to the Darwwing National Park which is also very impressive here the road is rough and would be impossible in the winter or when there is any rain. For some reason the journey takes forever, maybe I have taken the odd wrong route, or stopped longer than expected on the way, or simply I have just underestimated the distance but it’s quite pleasant and eventually reach the frontier barrage across the river Senegal.

It all sounds so simple in the guidebooks. the books say it cost nothing and is manageable yet everybody expected A wedge ofmy money! I don’t mind too much but it would be nice to know in advance so you are carrying the right amount of change and then prepare for it rather than eking out every coin in your pocket or door! But after about three hours im through and on my way to Saint Louis the northern town of Senegal. Yet again, I am helped by some fixer I did not want and have to get him into town to give him some cash I didn’t have, but to be honest he was still quite helpful and take him to the hotel deal with the camp for the night.

St Louis is a bustling fishing town and very charming in its way. But I can’t hang around because I only have a three day pass which I have to get extended down in Dakar before I can do anything else so again, the next evening I set off. One of the golden rules is not to drive at night in Africa for all the reasons you can imagine. I am quite uncomfortable doing so except for two things. If you leave late enough there is no traffic on the road and you can avoid the real hassle as most people are home. for me traffic and bicycles and pedestrians all mixed together is the worst thing. Secondly you can see vehicles coming along way away because nowadays they tend to have loads of work, thirdly I don’t feel too tired at night and if I do I stop i’m set up camp straight away, and you won’t be plagued by onlookers: also, if you happen to have lots of police checkpoints they will either be pleased to see you will be asleep so you can drive on and finally you end up in the right place in the right order, in the dark now before the traffic really got going. So having had a peaceful drive listening to an audible book I got to the port of data where I need to be before the traffic was up and so could find a parking place and was ready for action.

The only problem was I’ve been directed to go to the wrong place! But people are very friendly and helpful and a chap helped me get a taxi and then watched over my car in the car park and sent me on my way to the Axa building to get my pass extended. All very straightforward as it turned out and nobody wanted any backhanders. So I was quite pleased

Then it was just a question of finding out where Victor lives and heading off in that direction. Which I managed not to do getting into all the traffic! But I eventually got to Ngor and with a whole bunch of help , his house.

Since then, which I think was Tuesday last I have been staying with Victor, and Nicole and having a very peaceful time just doing the odd chore-andthere are plenty of them much to my frustration, and the amazement of some. Of note (David take note in particular) the blinking wing mirror dropped out on the journey down and I had to get it replaced. I hadn’t realised how vulnerable I feel notbeung abBeing able to seel behind me properly so I was very keen to get it done immediately. So with victors driver we set off and can you believe it, I was stopped twice by the police twice in about 200 metres and the second one fined me for having a broken wing mirror even as we were talking to the chap who is going to mend it and heconfiscated my driving license until I pay the fine! In retrospect it’s stupid and rather amusing but at the time was One of the long snakes on the board and cause me deep, deep frustration. But, I eventually Got the mirror (retro Visa) repaired and I’m good to go again. I’ve even had the van washed and cleaned out so it is neat and tidy and now it’s just a question of waiting for my visas to be approved or not.

But yesterday I heard the border between Senegal and guinea may be closed and that changes things significantly. The question is is Guinea-

Victor and Nicole but they have been quite superb to me and insist upon me relaxing and enjoying myself, and I think they are right in fact I am feeling much better having been here for a few days and I’m not so achy and stiff as I was. I am inclined to write something about Parkinson ‘s soon and will do so. This is not to extract any sympathy from anybody or anything like that but just to explain to people who don’t know about Parkinson is what it does and how it feels. And putting right once and for all the curious British tradition of always asking how people are and getting the response “I’m fine thank you“ when half the time you’re feeling like death warmed up! I’m not feeling like death warmed up by the way but you know what I mean.

And it’s taken me for ever to do this much so I’m going to stop if you’ve even got this far reading it

[lgbtvegas]

ignore this pls. just need a place to get my feelings out.

mental health tw, suicide tw, suicidal thoughts tw, self harm thoughts and tendencies tw

its sad that i dont even know what to type. im just going fucking insane. i haven't felt this crazy since I tried to kill myself when I was fucking 15. like i feel like a fucking nutjob right now and it won't stop. i have no one to talk to, even if my "friends" say they are there for me, I know they tired of my bs. the last time I tried talking to my friend she fucking left me on read cause shes so tired of my bullshit. i'm so fucking tired of my bullshit. i can never get out of my goddamn head. and everyone thinks im fucking okay cause I act like the fucking class clown at work and make everyone laugh. when I want to just kill myself atp. i havent self harmed myself since I was 15 either but some people disagree on this fact. I have a problem with digging holes in my skin and my therapist definitely thinks its that or an anxiety tick. I only get one day off of work a week and my therapist was all booked up for that day two weeks ago so I havent seen her. cause its like my responsibility to actually make an appointment but like me trying to help myself??? lmao. nice one. basically all this shit was triggered by my fucking hypochondriac tendencies. i had a uti like 2 weeks ago and I don't think the antibiotics they put me on got rid of it completely so I went back and got another urine test done which of course, like I expected came up positive but it also said I had ketones in my urine which of course, having access to a cellphone with a data plan, i immediately googled what that meant. now im like 1000000% positive I have diabetes, even though the doctor said its unlikely. I made an appointment to get my blood drawn to find out for sure but as I previously said, I only get one fucking day off and now I have to sit and wait till next fucking Thursday to find out if I have it or not. I don't know how I'm gonna make it that long. Im already going so fucking crazy I don't know what to do. the doctors office said they won't take blood without an office visit first (money hungry much??) so I can't just go in and ask to get my blood done. And I can't go to the hospital because I don't even know what I'd say to go there and have my blood drawn. nothing really makes me smile anymore. what am I gonna do if i do have it??? what am i gonna do if i don't???? i need answers to my fucking questions and no one will give me any. im fucking nauseous, im shaking, i just wanna sleep 24/7 so i don't have to fucking deal with this anymore. Since i was off today, I slept the whole day. I would wake up for a couple minutes, realize that I did not fucking want to be awake and I went back to sleep. Eventually I was waking up every like 30 minutes cause I wasn't tired but idc, i wanted to be asleep. and now I have to go to work at 4AM and be the happy cheerful person I'm supposed to be so that everyone has a good day. Since I'm the boss, I can't be fucking sad or depressed. I'm so sick and tired of being crazy. Like im fucking exhausted from all this shit. Everything, everyday is becoming so much and I don't know how to handle it anymore. I'm on the highest dose of my antidepressants and an extra anxiety med, and Im like still like this???? why is my brain a piece of shit????? why am I a piece of shit??? like i derive all my happiness from other things and those things end and idk what to do. like BTS going on hiatus???? lol kms. Stray Kids are in America rn and I can't afford to go cause life??? I'm teaching myself a bunch of different languages and It's literally so pointless cause I have no friends and no one to talk to so like who am I speaking to in Korean??? myself. One part of my brain speaks Korean or whatever language and I respond in English. Our conversations are truly riveting. I would put the eyeroll emoji here but its only in my recently used on my phone and I'm posting this on my laptop and I'm too fucking lazy to go and find it. KinnPorsche ends in like a week and a day???? fuck bro. The only thing I have is Doctor Who. That show is my rock. Anyway this is just dumb.

[323398149]

Ayesha called me stupid again. She said stop being stupid, why are you so stupid

Then my brother came upstairs and they called each other stupid

Then ayesha said she's never going to speak to me again and has lost all respect for me

Then my parents came upstairs and said that I was ungrateful

So yeah and Joe's gone so I just have to sit here and somehow survive tmr on my own. And then survive the next few years or however long until I can leave. I need to leave as soon as possible.

But I'm apparently crazy so where do I go? I need to be kept away from people because people don't like me. But then I get sad but I guess idk like what other option is there? I obvs can't kms so idk what the plan is. Where do I go? What do i do? How do i stop everybody from being upset with me? Do I speak or not speak? When do I speak if I do? What do I say? I have no idea. I always do it wrong. I'm so stupid. Lol I guess she's right, I am stupid. Last time she called me a dumb retarded bitch because I forgot about a task I was supposed to do. Today she called me stupid because I couldn't read and listen at the same time. Those are things I've struggled with my whole life. And I used to hate myself for them. Then I learned to stop being so angry with myself and just accept them as my shortcomings, and embrace them as part of life. But when capstone failed it just made me so upset. Because they're major deficiencies. Im not competent. Maybe my dad was right. I never should have bothered with university. Maybe college was where I belonged. I should kms lollllll like gah nobody likes me in the entire world. I'm an arrogant shit. I'm literally a nuisance once people take a closer look. They like me at first but starting with uber, they've all ended up hating my guts. Like so deeply disliking me. I try to keep my mouth shut and say and do and be the right thing but it's not good enough. I feel like they perceive me as rude and inconsiderate and generally awful. I just don't understand if I'm dumb or not. Sometimes I feel everybody stuck and it drives me to push through and figure the thing out but at other times everybody is doing something supposedly simple and easy but I just can't grasp it. I'm idkm idk what's wrong with me. So yeah I guess my point would be that I had convinced myself that it was okay to have these deficiencies and still love myself but now I'm going back on that and having to relearn hating myself for this stuff because idk because the embracing it stuff is not fixing anything externally. Like I felt better on the inside a little while but now the outside environment is coming in and I'm getting hit with it anyways. So it was a temporary solution that gave relief for 2-3 years but I've gotta figure out a proper solution now. Uber said he had never met someone so confused and scattered or something like that. The meds help with the scattered part but I guess not enough. Like it helps enough to make me feel better but i guess that's not good enough for the people around me. They still don't like it. So idk what the plan is. I just wish i could disappear and not exist but that's not an option so I'm going to read that dale Carnegie book again. I wish i could just be better. I wish my brain could be fixed. I'm sorry for existing and taking up so much space and energy. I wish I could go away and take my shitty away from people but idek how to do that or where to go. I don't know anything i guess. I am stupid and incompetent and useless and miserable and ugly too apparently lol and obviously extremely awkward and weird and apparently I make people feel uncomfortable. Gah why can't someone just get rid of me.

I think I figured if out okay so what if the solution to becoming smarter is to read? And that also gives me a place to go that isn't here. I mean that used to work when I was little, right? Idk what else. I would need a job to move out. Even then where would I go? I'm stupid and incompetent and useless.

See also a big reflection is that I'm no longer looking and waiting for the person who is not gonna be upset with the scattered. I used to think eventually I'd meet someone that loved me and didn't feel upset with my brain. But after this semester I don't really think they exist. It was make believe. That was like a unicorn. Someone like that isn't actually out there. They're not real. It was my imagination. So if I am gonna try and blend in and do life like everybody else and get a job and get married and have kids and all the stuff I need to learn to act and disguise the confusion. I need to sort through it as quickly as possible. I need to have game plans and tactics and systems to figure out what to say and how to behave more efficiently. I gotta figure it out cause otherwise idek idek what happens if I don't figure it out. Maybe someone will just get so annoyed with me that they'd just hurt me, i wouldn't be surprised if i just accidentally pissed someone off that bad. Because i accidentally do it for little things all the time. How do i just listen? And respond? Gaaaaaaaah so annoying I h8 myself

[hellogreenergrass]

Signy Island - Week Seven

22nd Jan – Sunday

Lie ins are lush. I feel renewed. This last week Ive been firing on ½ my cylinders I think. Not sure why, but after a month of full speed, I think I needed to take my foot off the peddle. I’ve been effectively part time this week, with days out to help Stacey not counting as work. But today I will end an easy week with a flourish. I will have A WHOLE DAY OFF. No lab, no thinking of work, no field treks. Just cooking, some rowing, writing and photography. Stacey took my early this morning as she had to get up early anyway to sort out some krill samples (she does this so the rest of us dont have to endure the stench that seeps out from her lab!). I owe her bigly. Oh yes, and Donald Trump was sworn in on Friday. I feel like we are entering a dystopian novel. He was greeted by ½ million people marching in protest through Washington DC. It will be an interesting presidency. A few weeks ago, we all made wishes as we threw wood into a fire and collectively decided that we wished a rapid and ultimately dooming impeachment upon him…

I’ve been drawing most days, but on the whiteboard in the living room as well as my sketch book.  It started as a small pic of something for whoever was on earlies that day. Then Stacey asked for a woodland as she missed trees, and I drew a landscape of a birch stand next to a river that wound down from some hills in the distance. On the other side of the river stands an old oak tree with branches that reach out over a waterfall. Since then, each day I add something else at the request of whoever is on earlies. We now have bluebells and harebells, sheep, a wolf, a peacock, a monkey, highland cows, a llama, a rabbit, and a bear. Iain & Stacey drew me a small hedgehog and some butterflies last night. Looking at it one night, Matt said he’d like me to do something for the new base they are building in the next few years. He will give some thought to what. Nice to think my work would be here even if I am not!

Meowntains  - new word combining two of my loves, cats and mountains. If there is a heaven …

24th Jan

This month is flying by! Cant believe its almost February. And Im almost 34. Jeez. Have been a bit slack at writing in this lately. I put my diary in a drawer in my room and whenever I have the presence of mind to remember it, I either couldn’t be bothered or get distracted en route. So now Im making an effort over brekkie.

The last few days have largely been lab/office based. I spent Monday trying to update my field plan for the coming month and reworking some experiments. The grid plan has had a reboot, less elegant now, but also less work. I hope.  I’ve been reading the work of a chap called Smith (we don’t do first names in scientific literature!) who has been working on Marion Island in the sub-Antarctic Indian Ocean area. His work spans 30 years from a word mapped food web to today, actual raw data on the energy and nutrient flow on the island. I’d love to do something like that here on Signy. He compiled data on all the input from major wildlife contributors and how the plants use it or lose it. Where it runs off the Island or gets blown back in, and the likely fate of it in the oceans. Science like that makes me heart all a flutter!

Aqlima and I went out to look for adult midge on Monday, to no avail. Although she really enjoys looking for them as she works with essentially invisible bacteria, so bugs are massive and remarkably charismatic for her! I think the adults are finished now. Where they go to die I couldn’t tell you as I’ve stopped seeing them in my soil samples too. Add that to the bank of mysteries and unanswerable questions I am accruing this season. I’ve also started going out to collect a species of mite for Scott (my boss back in Brum). He wants to do some population genetics on them. But whilst Ive started collections, Im not sure we can amend my permit again to take them off the island. Can but ask though.

Iain and I spent a few hours out yesterday getting in the last of the soil cores. Sun shone, the wind blew and the innuendo flowed! Down at the site in the unfortunately named Gash Cove, we went down onto the rocks and stood in the sun watching the huge swell roll up a slope of glistening rock the colour of titanium and almost iridescent.  It was a slab of mica-schist, mica being the mineral that gives the glitter to eye shadow. It had been buffered smooth by the waves who slid up the slope many meters and then recoiled back to the ocean excessively exposing an area of rocks and shore rarely seen, like the draw back of a tidal wave, or the curled snarl of lip. It was hypnotic. No furries around here, which is odd. In fact numbers have dropped off again, which Im told is unusual.

Im off to Gourlay today. Day out on my todd. The sun is shining, but its still blowing a hooley. I’ll collect that mite (Alaskozetes antarcticus) and spot sample the route for my midge along the way. Have lunch at the huts out there and see the penguins, then pop down to Cemetery Flats on my way home for more samples. Just me myself and I. Should be a nice day out J

26th Jan

I twisted my ankle!! Not even a little bit, but a proper sprain with swellings and everything! I’d been to Gourlay, hiked back and collected all the samples. Then as I stood at the top of the Stonechute, the final rock and scree descent to base, I recalled Stacey’s recent tale of her twisting her ankle just meters from base whilst carrying a heavy load. It was just a 2cm drop off a rock, but put her off her feet for weeks. I pondered this as I heaved my loaded rucksack on, weighed down by kilos of soil samples, decided not to withdraw my second walking pole and dove down the chute. Despite being just a few hundred meters from home and the first and last part of everyone’s day out, it is one of the riskiest bits. Not least because as well as being steep and loose, it is often full of fur seals. And it was furries that I was checking for as I misplaced my footing and went over on the side of my foot.

I knew immediately that it was not good as I sat trying to catch my breath that had just been dragged from me by the rushing and unweilding pain. Not again I thought. Just last July, I’d gone over on my left leg and torn any remaining shreds of ligament and cartilagein my knee whilst up in the mountains of Norway and out on my own. At least this time I had VHF radio and base in sight. I realised I was going to need help. No way was I carrying that bag across the boulders of the high-tide route. I called in and Alex and Stacey came out to help me back down. I slowly and carefully negotiated my way back, and an hour of ice and elevation followed by a shower seem to have eased it a bit. As have the painkillers. And the 2 glasses of gin I just had. So now I feel just fine!

27th Jan

Woke to stiffness and a substantial amount of pain this morning, but thankfully this eased as the day went on. Although the swelling has peaked and there is some bruising coming through now. I’ll be a few shades of purple soon. At least I actually did something, hate to think Im being melodramatic! I have to try and go out to do some field work tomorrow though, not sure how likely that is, I can’t walk properly. I’ve prepped the ion-exchange membranes already and they have a limited amount of time to be used you see. I did the last of the work whilst watching Seven Years in Tibet tonight in anticipation of being able to at least stagger along in the field with some back-up tomorrow. Great movie, and by God that man. I swear Brad Pitt must have hovered up all the good-looking genes in his family for the best part of a century. The mind boggles. Speaking of good looking men, I spoke to K today. He’s been offered a new job! Interview was at 11am, with two others to follow him and by 2pm they’d made up their mind and called to offer him the position.  I’m not surprised, he has that effect on people ;-)

Wind is still blowing hard and finding its way into the cracks and gaps in the seams of the cabin. Makes the whole place scream and whistle all the time. Some flights from Punto Arenas in Chile to Rothera on the Peninsular have been delayed. I wonder if they have the same weather system. Few thousand km away though. Its been quite unstable the last few weeks, but we are about to enter the warmest month of the year soon, so at least it may stop snowing even the wind keeps up its run of 20+ knots!

[jomjjeoro]

darkling tag (kms)

i was tagged by: no one im just rlly bored so im doing a bunch of tags rn lol i tag: if u wanna do it feel free to say i tagged u !!

☥ Questions: 1. What is your favorite candle scent? ok tbh idk if they still make it but “kitchen spice” from yankee candle smells fuckin fire bruh  2.Do you have a favorite book? my friend’s novel if i’m being honest lol,,,,  3.Are you a tea or coffee person? i enjoy both!!! but, i guess i’m more of a coffee person bc,,, duh  4.What is your favorite brand and color of lipstick? im a guy lol i dont wear lipstick,,,, if i do its usually just a TINY bit of red drugstore lipstick on the “crease” of my lips to give them that bitten look (i only wear this for like. an event or something),,, and if i had to wear black lipstick (which. i rlly dont like wearing lipstick so no) i’d just use eyeliner so,,,, ya  5.What is your favorite perfume/cologne? deodorant??? lol 6.Do you have a celebrity crush? all of bts lol next question  7.If you had to give up the color black, what color would you choose instead? can i say grey ??? lol  8.If you could change your name to a stereotypical 90s/2000s gothy name, what would it be? i wouldnt ,,,, lol 9.What are your top three tips for surviving hot weather while black clad? tip one: just dont go out in the daytime. ever. like going out at night will keep you cool and also it doesnt fucking suck like daytime does,,, those r all of my tips  10.What song will always make you happy (doesn’t have to be a goth band)? idk sometimes its different,,,,, ig rn ill say “i was all over her” by salvia plath,,, it doesnt make me feel happy so much as it makes me feel content and comfortable which is better than happiness in my opinion  11.Are you active in the arts (ex. Play an instrument, paint, write, etc)? ye,,,, i play bass and i draw despite the fact that i suck at both  12.If you had a teacup or mug made inscribed just for you, what would you have it say? idfk dude next question  13.What is your number one non-gothy hobby? im. this question is,,,, what the fuck is a “gothy hobby” in the first place??? idk dude i dont have any hobbies so  14.If you could be a supernatural creature, what would it be & why? i’d be a ghost probably,,,, idk if i can say why for sure it just. seems like me idk  15.What horror monster-based super power would you have? this is a good question,,,hm.,,,, honestly  have no idea??? there r too many cool ones  16.Do you feel confident or comfortable interacting with other Goths or gothy people (online or IRL)? Why or why not? HELL NO lol,,,, first of all,,,, i dont like interacting with anyone,,, second of all,,, everyone is so elitist,, the fact that there was a question that said “what is your number one non-gothy hobby” should show u,,,, idk,,, 17. Which is more important for a look: Great hair or great makeup? great hair tbh,,,, like makeup is cool but if u dont do shit with ur hair its like ????? 18.Is there something you wish there was more of in your subculture? i wish there were more casual goth outfits i could wear,,, everything i find for men is either for emo ppl or for romantic/victorian goths and im??? thats not the type of goth i am dude,,,  19.Care to share an embarrassing story related to your “darkliness“? me doing this tag is an embarrassing story  20.How are you at DIY? pretty decent tbh  Quickly describe your ideal wedding. ew Confessional (aka True or False): I love watching cheesy romance films. false I ALWAYS remember to wash off my makeup at night. false,,, ill always do it if i have the energy to bc i dont wanna break out but,,, i dont always have the energy u feel  I sleep with plushies. true ( i need more tbh) I wear non-black pajamas most nights. true,,, idk i usually just wear a hoodie and some sweatpants to bed so  I still listen to a boy band that had disbanded years ago. TRUE!!!!!! true,,,, i love the jonas brothers dude,,,, I think Andrew Eldritch is overrated. in a way, true??? like i dont think he has a good personality like at all so in that sense i think he is hella overrated but. as far as the music itself goes idt he’s overrated if we’re looking at it that way,,, idk i guess ill say true  I don’t like vampires. true I don’t like clubs. it really depends on how im feeling but 90% of the time id answer true to this  I’m dating a goth/darkly-inclined person. ,,,,,, idk???? false ig  I don’t enjoy graveyards. false  Blood makes me queasy.  it really depends on the context but 99.9% of the time its fine so. false  I’d sooner faint than pet a spider. TR U E I don’t like haunted houses. which kind of haunted house??? if its the halloween attraction kind then i’d answer true bc fuck that lol  I still browse Hot Topic’s clearance racks. false  I’ve never read Dracula. true,,, i dont read ever lol  I think “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” is a long & boring song. FALSE ??? WTF??? i fucking love that song dude smh

[brophyblam]

Write What You Know 1st Place Winner: “Woven Essay” by Jack Cahill ’17

House Fight - Strand A

Christmas time is always a bit dysfunctional at the (name redacted for anonymity) house. Christmas 2005 was such a year. Mom is in the kitchen, struggling to whip up a gluten free meal, frantically running back and forth to find new ingredients. Dad is in the family room, watching a Fox News special about the War on Christmas. I sit next to him and ask him what beer tastes like.

“Beer can kill you,” he says. “Ok,” I say nodding my head.

A light snow falls outside, dotting our rural Pennsylvanian backyard, coating the dead trees in a beautiful light blanket.

“When is Gus coming,” I ask. “Uhh...maybe half an hour,” my mom says somewhat nervously. “He has a new girlfriend, so be on your best behavior.”

Around six, Gus walks through the front door.

“Grandpa,” I yell! “Hey,” he grunts. His arm is wrapped around his girlfriend, Anna, who is about thirty years younger. With her long brown hair and curvy hips, I was really proud of my grandpa for landing that.

“Hey dad,” my mom says. She hugs him and he cracks one of his rare smiles. Grunting again, he walks away. Presumably into the liquor cabinet, not that I understood that then.

…..

That Christmas Eve I’m sitting in the basement, playing with my toy cars. I have a Volvo S60 figurine, and I push it across the tattered carpet, hoping that I can get more toy cars for Christmas.

As I make car sounds, I hear other sounds upstairs.

“You’re a freaking bitch!” “Screw you you balding old prick!”

Tears swelled up in my eyes. Such abrasive, horrible, deplorable words - they were so foreign to me.

My mom was upstairs, shielding Anna from my grandfather. He was stumbling and slurring his speech, I thought something was horribly wrong. Did he have rabies?

“Gus, get the hell out of our house,” my dad says firmly.

Before Gus packed and left, however, he walked upstairs to my room and left an assortment of toy cars on my bed.

“With Love, Gus,” the present reads.

He even carved a miniature parking lot for me to place the toy cars. In that moment, I knew he loved me. But I also knew he had demons. That night, my mom walked into my room and turned on the Toy Story nightlight. She smiled, but in a sad way, her face was visibly red from crying.

“Your grandpa is an alcoholic, Jack.”

Red Jaguar - Strand B

“Whaddya think, Jack,” he asks, taking a swing at his cigar. “It’s pretty.” “Of course it’s damn pretty, if this car were a woman, I’d marry it.”

The Jaguar XK8. Sleek and red as a model’s lipstick, droplets of rain shined on top of the roof, reflecting the beautiful car in the coming sunshine.

“Let’s drive this son of a bitch.” “Okay.”

I hop in the passenger seat and he whips the Jaguar out of my driveway, the smell of creosote after a rain permeating my senses. We pull out of the neighborhood, and he clutches the car into sixth gear, and we fly down Pima Road, the humid, post monsoon wind throwing my wispy blonde hair into disarray.

Grandpa Gus reaches for his water bottle, takes a big sip, and puffs on his cigar. Being thirsty, I reach for the water bottle and take a sip, but immediately spit it out. It’s so harsh and acidic and bitter.

“Don’t drink that, Jack.”

“Is that…”

“Yeah, if you tell your mother, I’ll tell her about that magazine you have.” Blackmailed by my own grandpa, gotta love it.

We make a U-Turn at Frank Lloyd Wright Rd, and he keeps the car at as high a gear as possible as he goes 105 up the steep incline of Pima.

“God bless this machine,” he says laughing.

I didn’t see that Jaguar for another eight months. When I saw it again, I was in Missouri.

I walked through snowdrifts and the blustery wind up the winding road in St Joseph Missouri. In front of me was his house, or what used to be his house. Bill Faulkner is in the front yard, placing a “For Sale” sign in the snow, but I focus on the red Jaguar, covered in snow. It looks sad, like a dog without an owner. It looked widowed, orphaned.

“Don’t talk about it so loud, Bill,” I hear my mom say from a ways away. “The kids are right over there.”

Strand C - Dr. Engelsa

“You have to tell me something.” “I don’t want to,” I say crossing my arms and pouting.

Ms. Engels sighs and takes out her red pen, jotting down some notes.

“Is it because of your grandpa,” she asked. “No - it’s been since before he died.” “Then what is it?” “I told you, I don’t know!”

I was becoming increasingly frustrated, my legs were bouncing restlessly, and I glanced at the clock.

“You’re here until I say we’re through, do you understand,” she said, noticing my wandering eyes. “Yeah.” “Yeah or Yes.” “Yeah,” I say, trying to be a smart ass.

I sit there in silence for about twenty seconds before she takes out her pen and starts interrogating me again.

“When did it start?” “Maybe last year? I don’t know.” “So 4th grade?” “Yeah.” “You mean yes, Jack, you mean yes.” “Yeah.”

At this point, I find myself being crushed by frustrations and anxiety, so I ask her;

“I have a lot of homework, can I go now?” “Fine, I’ll see you next week.”

I walk out of the dreary, sterile room and into the poorly lit hallway. Pictures that are supposed to convey happiness, pictures of families rolling around in the grass, pictures of beaches and sandcastles are plastered all across the wall. I want to knock those photos down.

I see my mom in the waiting room and we walk out to the car.

“How was it,” she asks in a hopeful tone. “Well...she’s mean, I don’t like her.” “Ok - but we need her to get your medicine.” “I don’t want my medicine.” “I know you don’t, but you need it.”

Strand D - Austria

   A light drizzle falls and is illuminated in the eerie moonlight. Streetlights flicker, showing me the way to go. The grand clock in the village center strikes 4am, and the entire town square echoes with a loud chime. I glance at the street sign, shrouded by early morning’s mist;  “Verlassen St Wolfgang im Salzkammersgut/Leaving St Wolfgang.”  I nod silently and continue walking. To my left, the Austrian alps, to my right, the stunning blue waters of Bad(Lake) Wolfgang. A lone Audi driver rolls down his window and slows down to ask me; “Sind sie gut?” “Ja, ich bin perfekt, danke.” I keep on walking, occasionally stopping to glance at the scenery. I soon exit the village and am drawn into the countryside, enamored and stricken with the natural beauty of it all. The lush green, snow capped mountains, the lake glistening in the sunrise. I smile a genuine, natural smile. I missed that feeling, that feeling of calm. Despite this, I keep walking. I walk until my legs nearly go numb. I walk until the two lane, winding countryside road comes to a sudden halt. By this point, the clouds have covered up the sun, and a summer storm is coming in. I wipe the sweat off my forehead and take a right at a dirt trail with a sign that simply reads;  “St Wolfgang, 13 KM.” 13 kilometers away from the hotel, just fantastic. The light drizzle soon turns to a steady downpour, but I don’t care. In the distance, I see a quaint, cozy little village, like something you may see in a Berenstein Bears book, or maybe a German fairytale. A few dogs hide under a tree to shield themselves from the rain, and as I go to pet one, a man stops me. He looks no older than twenty and has a droopy facial structure. With his overalls and childlike, yet red face, I assume he is a farmer’s son. “Wie Gehts?” His German is lacking - he is clearly a native speaker, but his slow mannerisms and style of speech leads me to believe that he is cognitively deficient. I spoke German with the man, but for the sake of simplicity, I will use English in the dialogue. “I’m fine, thanks,” I say hoping to avoid a conversation. “Why are you here?” “I don’t know, I went for a run.” “You are wet.” “I know, I don’t control the weather.”

 He failed to understand the joke, but he was smart enough to understand that I was lying to him. “Why are you really here? What are you running from,” he asks. “I’m exercising.”

“You are big child.” “Thanks, I think.”

….

“Are you sad?” “No,” I say insistently. “I mean...I’m not happy, but I’m not sad. I don’t know what I am.”

He seems to understand my broken German and pats me on the back.

“We all lose things,” he says. “We all go through the trouble, we all go through the (crap) - but everything is pretty.”

We didn’t say anything more - he just looked at me and then pointed to the serene mountain ranges in front of us and nodded. Slow as he may have been, he was wise. I arrive back at the hotel by around 11am, still surprised by the strange event that had just transpired. Regardless of how absurd and surreal it is, I smile, I take a shower and smile widely, knowing that I feel a bit more calm. I feel more calm because of the little things.

[hellogreenergrass]

Signy Island - Week Eight

29th January

Im out on the veranda enjoying some brief sunshine. Seeing those lenticulated clouds again. Another storm coming? I got out the lab today, just a few Km of hiking around to put out ion- exchange membranes for some soil chemistry. They were all disparately spaced at the edges of my main field site, which with my ankle in this state wasn’t helpful. But it did OK. I went slow, Iain helped.

Im watching seals. Some furries are twirling about in the water like they do. They slowly turn and spin in the sea in a gently exhalant way. I wonder if it is cleaning? There is a very young elephant seal eyeing up a much much larger one from behind a rock. It’s very cute. Big black orb eyes peering out from above the water line. The bigger one is a beautiful colour, a fawny-silver into deep grey with a velveteen texture. I’d like to hug it if it weren’t liable to crush me…

31st January

Another lab day. I swear I feel physically worse after a day at a computer or microscope than I ever have after a day in the hills. Worse still, I had the realisation yesterday that better science will come from creating even more work for myself in the lab, dissecting up midge egg sacs. They are as tiny as you think, and the task is laborious and mind numbing, but will provide good data. On the plus side, it dosent require I think too much so I can just plough through audio books: I’ve listened to Bill Bryson reading “Short History of Everything” today. All of it. I’ve had him with me for a few days now and find his voice just lovely. First I went to the US to be amongst some very missed trees for “A Walk in the Woods”, and then to Oz for some heat in “From a Sunburned Country”. Its nice to be whisked away somewhere whilst staring down a microscope for hours, nay days on end. Even when you are in Antarctica! But then, I do have the perennial affliction of always looking for greener grass…

Kristian and I had a disagreement about his new placement of the sofa back home. A trifling matter really that makes perfect sense, but I took against the idea of coming home to a house changed. And besides, there are asthetic considerations! He mentioned something about banishing throw cushions as well. I thought I could trust him in my absence not to abandon the soft furnishings to logic…

1st February

An Antarctic birthday! Quite something. And the sun is shining too, properly too. No-coat weather! I woke up to a gift from Kristian that had been stowed away by Iain, and my own personal gift to myself that had been stowed away at the back of my mouth, waiting for that special moment to come and show itself. My final remaining wisdom tooth has broken ground, and bestowed me with toothache on my 34th birthday. Evidence of one year older, another wiser perhaps. My present from K was about as good a present as I could want. A party pack: Balloons, bunting, a make your own birthday badge, a very sweet letter and also another hidden video message on my laptop. It’s perfect! We hung the decorations and embellished the balloons with pictures and messages. It was lovely. So much colour everywhere! Iain and Stacey had written a big happy birthday sign for me and made me a card, and then later after a special birthday dinner of spinach and ricotta cannelloni (to please the vegetarian in me that’s currently having to be on sabbatical), I got birthday cake too! With a massive emergency use candle in it to blow out! I have been spoilt. Im so pleased I can barely form sentences.

We spent the evening together playing several increasingly hysterical rounds of The Resistance and I cracked open the last of my St Austell brews, Korev. Went down a treat and helped ease the toothache, which meant I could eat more cake :-D

2nd Feb

Hid inside all day today. Post-cake lull. The wind arrived last night. All of it. And has shown no signs of relenting, in fact has invited its friends rain and sleet along for the day too. I think they must have been mad that they missed the party yesterday and have banished Sun for bothering to show up and make me happy.

Managed to get through 2 plots worth of soil samples over 5 hours of work this afternoon, which is ridiculous. I have dozens and dozens of plots. Im very glad I have a permit to take the soil off the island so I can finish this back in the UK. David Attenborough, “Life on Air” as company today.

On lates tonight so I took advantage of people in bed by reading news online. This is what the world appears to be talking about: MP’s voted in favour of Brexit, unsurprisingly seeing as that’s how the country also voted; Trump is still a colossal nightmare – but he is doing what he said he would do, which was be a colossal nightmare; Beyonce is having twins and announced it in her typical understated way: with her as a semi naked art installation.

New word: “Perminion” – a permanent helper, such as I need.

4th Feb

Search and rescue training today. Matt was the casualty up on Observation Bluff, with a ‘head injury and possible broken leg’. Megumu and Alex co-ordinated everything from base whilst Iain and Stacey went out in the first search for him, Aqlima and I following later with stretchers and splints. Was a good run up the hill! Vacuum mattress was a bitch to get underneath our casualty, and I fear we worsened any potential neck injury as we rolled him back and forth across rocks. I was at his head the whole time checking vitals and keeping spirits up and that, and trying to remember what it was that I learnt on that first aid course beyond how to inject oranges and that entonox is good fun. We carried him just a few meters before deciding that he was too heavy and needed to make a miraculous recovery so he could walk back down himself. Well, it was only training afterall!

I was on cook the rest of the day, did a Chinese take-out kind of meal. Rowed later on, struggling to hit my PB of 910 strokes, but not failing. If I want to reach that goal of 1000 in the next 6 weeks I need to significantly up my game!