#i needed to make breeze as well bc it’s like. do not separate them ok? they’re good parents together

[simcardiac-arrested]

i was asked to gijinkaify waves and then something happened

[silverflqmes]

໒⦂ 𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐒.

synopsis. where ei seeks comfort in you after noticing how much has changed and needs your company to make her feel safe.

genre. angst to comfort

notes. no bc her story quest had me feeling some way. and night changes is totally a song for her ok? ok.

raiden ei x gn!reader.

“traveler, i know this is on short notice, but i would like for you to stay, just a little while.” the amethyst eyed goddess had requested, casting her gaze outward to the city below. “i understand you are needed in many places as of late.. so i promise not to consume too much of your time.” she finished softly, voice nearly a whisper in the wind, though you still heard her loud and clear.

with caring eyes, you nodded, striding forward to stand by her side. “what’s been troubling you lately, ei? if- you don’t mind sharing, of course.” you trailed off into a mutter, placing a hand over her own.

her skin was so pale, cold to the touch, yet electrifying, which was to be expected.. though gentle nonetheless. you hoped to provide her with the warmth she needed, to feel better.

as she sighed, ei reached her other hand out to catch a fallen petal from one of the many cherry blossoms of inazuma city, examining it closely before allowing the breeze to take it elsewhere.

even cherry blossoms went through changes, and never stayed for very long. though it was to be expected, as seasons normally come and go.

with what little courage she had, the electro archon had spoken at last, “lately, i’ve felt more disconnected to inazuma than usual. i understand times will change and so will the people as well as the values they hold.. but it still astonishes me how quickly change unfolds,” she began, knitting her brows together as she lowered the hand that was previously outstretched. “i don’t see why there’s such a rush for change.. if time could slow down, maybe things would have been much easier to process — on my end at least.. though i know i cannot ask for that. i’ve done enough damage to inazuma as is.” the inazuman maiden finished, pushing a strand of her violet colored hair behind her ear.

you pursed your lips together, suddenly feeling a harsh pang to your heart at the realization of just how heavy the burden had been that she carried with her day and night.

unlike most, ei was immortal, and therefore sat through all the phases and evolution all around her, attempting to grasp even the smallest thread of understanding from the modern age you now lived in. yet she struggled, more than what was led on.

there was a moment of hesitance before you inched closer to the ruler of inazuma, turning her to you as you brought her head down to your shoulder, tracing circles against her back.

“it’s okay, ei.” you murmured softly, resting your chin on her shoulder. “i know it’s hard.. but you won’t go through this alone again, i promise you that.” you continued, and finally you felt her relax after the tension she initially gave off when you got close to her. good, she trusted you.

at last, she came to her senses and wrapped her arms around you as well, tightening her grip a little, though you didn’t mind it as much. if that made her feel safer or more grounded, then that was what mattered most.

parting her lips, she spoke in hushed tone, though it didn’t take even the densest person to tell her voice was close to breaking. “i’m sorry, i-i just don’t know if i can handle this again.. all these new traditions, inventions, styles of clothing, delicacies and people.. it all makes me feel so detached and separated from them, and i worry that the rift will widen between me and them once more.. even with you,” she professed, and amidst her confession, you felt a wetness on the bare skin of your shoulder.

a frown had ghosted over your lips as she continued to explain her worries to you, and all you could do was stand and offer the shoulder she desired to cry on for so long.

you knew she was stressed, and to carry this weight of anguish alone broke your heart into many pieces.

you loved her so very much, and you’d wished you’d known sooner of how much small little changes such as the ones mentioned, could do so much damage to her throughout the course of time.

now you understood why she wanted eternity.

it wasn’t because she wanted to stay in power or prevent others from surpassing her by having visions.

it was because eternity meant things would stay as they were. eternity was her only chance at preserving what she still knew, and her connection to inazuma.

it was the broken defense she used to keep herself together all this time.

pulling back, you grasped her cheeks in your hands, wiping her straying tears before offering a soft smile. “ei, i promise our connection will remain.. even if change comes as quickly as night and day does, it will never change what we have.” you assured before lowering one of your hands to grasp her own, sliding your fingers between the crevices of hers. “like our hands, our fates have been intertwined for a reason, ei. and something written in the stars won’t be erased as though it were paper and pencil.”

notes. yeah um just a rlly short blurb cuz i wanted to practice literary devices and uh i was very much feeling for ei and yeah she deserves sm ok? ok.

↳ return to main masterlist . request rules . send an ask

[wetalkinboutbooks]

Deathless Divide by Justina Ireland

Summary:  The sequel to Dread Nation is a journey of revenge and salvation across a divided America.

After the fall of Summerland, Jane McKeene hoped her life would get simpler: Get out of town, stay alive, and head west to California to find her mother.

But nothing is easy when you're a girl trained in putting down the restless dead, and a devastating loss on the road to a protected village called Nicodemus has Jane questioning everything she thought she knew about surviving in 1880's America.

What's more, this safe haven is not what it appears - as Jane discovers when she sees familiar faces from Summerland amid this new society. Caught between mysteries and lies, the undead, and her own inner demons, Jane soon finds herself on a dark path of blood and violence that threatens to consume her.

But she won't be in it alone.

Katherine Deveraux never expected to be allied with Jane McKeene. But after the hell she has endured, she knows friends are hard to come by - and that Jane needs her, too, whether Jane wants to admit it or not.

Watching Jane's back, however, is more than she bargained for, and when they both reach a breaking point, it's up to Katherine to keep hope alive - even as she begins to fear that there is no happily-ever-after for girls like her (Taken from Goodreads)

Our Ratings:  

 → Geena:  ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

 → Kae: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ x1000

Overall: A killer sequel to Dread Nation, you’re constantly on the edge of your seat and each chapter is a new layer of stress. There’s never a moment of rest and repose because Justina Ireland hooks you with the first chapter and doesn’t let go until you’ve turned the last page.

~ Check out the spoiler-full review/plot discussion below!

The Bad: 

→ Redjack and Redfern

Geena: We’re starting with the bad because as Kae said ‘So much bad happens before the good’ and that’s the best way to describe this book. Let’s start off with our fave rogue from Dread Nation who turns out to be a WHOLE BITCH!!! Once Jane and Katherine and Co. get out of Summerland and meet up with him to plan their next move, Jane and them want to go to Nicodemus (a safe town run by a black man and a council of freed slaves and indigenous ppl). Redjack is like ‘it’s an overpopulated place let’s not’ but Jane isn’t dumb and sniffs out that there’s something else, and after Katherine and Jane both needle him we find out that… THIS BITCH IS MARRIED… AND HAS BEEN FOR A WHILE?????? ALL THE WHILE HE WAS FLIRTING AND MACKING ON JANE HE WAS MARRIED????????????? This is the start of the downfall of men in this book, it only gets worse from here… Jane confronts him about being played and he’s basically like ‘Jane you’re fun and all but like you’d never settle down, I seen you fighting and stuff just because you want to… I need a home for Lily’... and like… ok.... Jane is immediately like ‘He wanted a doormat’ and I DIED… but karma works fast and he gets bit by a shambler literally the same night lmao… and guess who kills him? JANE.. though it’s quite emotional because she had feelings for him. 

Jane also steals one of his letters when she kills him and kjnsfdskj we find out his wife is preggers but who’s gonna tell her that Redjack is capital d DEAD...  

Kae: Alright. MF’n REDJACK. This man… With his cute ass… He was just TRASH. A real fuckboy and Geena summed him up perfectly. I was like, a lil sad to see him go? But good riddance to him for playing my Janey Jane. She may be a tough-ass, but she absolutely has feelings (THAT SHE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO COPE WITH) but still. She has feelings. 

So now, let’s talk about Redfern’s shady ass. I’ve always side-eyed Redfern. I didn’t trust him. I had a very hard time trusting him because how you gone help The White Man ™  help enslave black and other indigenous peoples for your own gain? Like, boy fuck you. Shady ass. He’s the one that transported Jane, Katherine, and Red Jack to Summerland in the first place. So it was definitely a shock to see his fool ass in Nicodemus as the damn SHERIFF. LIKE WHO TF?

Geena: RIGHT I WAS LIKE WHY IS HE EVERYWHERE? IS HE CLONING HIMSELF??

Kae: And like, he jails Jane because when her and the gang arrive, the surviving folks of Summerland blame her for the small settlement falling to the dead. Redfern is like “Look, Jane. I know you ain’t do that shit. But I gotta jail you so they can stfu. You’ll get a fair trial.” And Jane doesn’t trust this and neither do I. Because black people didn’t get a fair ANYTHING back then. (We still don't) BUT THAT’S ANOTHER STORY. ANYWAAAAAAAY. Jane catches Redfern shooting the breeze with Miss Duncan and they eventually set her free. All the while, Katherine, a few homies they met in Summerland, and a few homies from Miss Prestons, are planning to break Jane out and BOUNCE. When Jane and Katherine finally reunite, Katherine is like “JANE. MY BESTIE. I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU!” And Jane is like “Lol, yikes. We’re not even friends wtf?” Because again, Jane can’t handle feelings or people genuinely caring about her. That has a bit to do with mommy issues. NOW.  Jane has been trying to tell the council of Nicodemus that the horde of zombies will break down the wall that protects the city. But they’re like “HURR DURR SHUT UUUUP. We have machine guns. And that Gideon scientist boy has been keeping up gucci.” And Jane knows walls don’t hold forever. So she’s like we need to get TF up out of here. So she starts making a plan… And that’s when shit starts going south.

Geena: Like Kae said, Redfern is a traitor in all sense of the word… The only time he seems normal is when he’s hardcore crushing on Miss Duncan, but even then… He ends up telling Jane that he only cares about self-preservation and that’s why he’ll stab even his own mother in the back if it means he’ll be safe… OKAY HE DOESN’T SAY THAT BUT REDFERN 100% WOULD… Well kARMA GOT IT’S KISS FOR REDFERN TOO bc when Nicodemus falls, Miss Duncan also turns shambler so kjndsfkjsdfnsd

He ends up being a double agent near the end of the book, pretending to be Jane and Katherine’s ally, only to turn them over to the VILLAIN.. But then also helps them escape? A very morally questionable character and also another example of Deathless Divide saying ‘men aint shit’.

Kae: He triple crossed their asses. Triple agent mf 

→ The Fall of Nicodemus 

Kae: WHEWWWW. The fall of Nicodemus was something else. I knew it was going to happen, but damn, it was bad. So, we have bitchboy Gideon, who Jane has taken a bit of a liking to. And he wants her to convince the rest of the town to get a ‘Shambler Vaccine’ to protect them. She refuses because she has no idea if the vaccine really works. At least, not yet she does. So at some point, Gideon convinces all the people of Nicodemus to get vaccinated. But he vaccinates all of the original inhabitants of Nicodemus first, then the assholes from Summerland. But the thing is, he runs out of vaccines by the time he has to vaccinate the Summerland folk, and they’re being PISSY about it like “waaaaa, you vaccinated all the black folks before us, WAAA IM A FUCKIN BABY” so he hurries and makes a quick vaccine. Well, THIS QUICK BATCH TURNS THE FOLKS OF SUMMERLAND INTO ZOMBIES. THIS DUMBASS BITCHASS GIDEON TURNS THE DAMN PEOPLE. So he and Miss Duncan stuff them all in a barn or whatever, then DESTROYYYYYY the fence/wall in the back of the town to try to lead them out. Redfern helps too, I think. And then shit. Gets. Real. The machine gun they had isn’t holding them off and some damn zombies done came around the back entrance they created by destroying the fence, and they start CHOMPIN. 

Geena: AS KAE SAID… GIDEON AND DUMBITCH CO. MADE A WHOLE BACKDOOR FOR THE ZOMBIES IN AN ATTEMPT TO COVER UP HIS OWN MISTAKE… Reading about the fall was really sad, because this group of well meaning people WHO BTW AREN’T WHITE, that established a community where black and indigenous folk can find SOME SEMBLANCE of justice is overrun by zombies bc of a bitchass white boy’s hubris. So, the zombies get through the backdoor and as Jane and Katherine are slicing and dicing they stumble onto the group they traveled with.. Who also turned.. And Jane has to kill that little baby boy because he too, got turned into a zombie… Also, during the fall of Nicodemus Jane gets bit :( and separates from Katherine and Co. to die alone at the sheriff’s office… But then she doesn't… because back in book 1 when Gideon gave her a vaccine… it worked. So, Jane wakes up to Gideon… the last person she wants to see… who is basically gloating about his vaccine working and he’s making excuses for himself? Callie (a new friend) tries to kill Gideon, but he escapes and she ends up helping Jane instead… where Jane loses her arm :( 

Literally, a White Man’s ego can destroy a whole town built on the blood and sweat of freed slaves and indigenous people, JUST BECAUSE he thinks he knows better… 

Kae: So like, when Jane wakes up, she threatens to kill Gideon, even though she’s sick and basically puking the zombie virus out of her. While Gideon is gloating, Callie (Jane’s friend and future girlfriend) shoots towards Gideon, but misses. She then cuts off Jane’s bitten arm. The two of them spend a bit of time in the fallen Nicodemus, looking at all of the zombiefied townspeople and healing so they can leave. They both want to track down Gideon and KILL HIS ASS. Which I support. And now we venture into PART 2 OF THE BOOK BAYBEEEEE. 

The Ugly

→ Gideon

Kae: WE’RE GOING TO OFFICIALLY TALK ABOUT BITCHASS, SKANK-ASS GIDEON. Dawg, when I tell you I HAAATED this man, I mean it. I have never wanted a character to die more than I wanted Gideon to parish. This man caused the fall of not one, but MULTIPLE TOWNS AND THE WHOLE DAMN CITY OF SAN FRANCISCO. 

After the fall of Nicodemus, Jane and Callie set out to track down Gideon. On their tracking adventures, Jane becomes a bounty hunter in order to make money so she can continue on her search for Gideon. Jane is like, a hundred times more badass now. She’s a one armed, zombie slaying, bounty hunter that kills people who have done immense wrong to others. She and Callie learn through their travels that Gideon escaped safely and went on to get funded by some rich folk. In Gideon’s own escapades, he has caused the fall of another small town. And guess how he did that? This IDIOT vaccinated another town and they all turned ‘Shambler’ (zombie). Then he fucks off and escapes so he can’t get in trouble. Jane and Callie make it to California, where Jane hopes to reunite with her mother. There, she kills a man, which pisses Callie off. So while they’re shacked up in a hotel, Callie leaves while Jane is sleeping. And Callie’s punk ass takes all of Jane’s money with her, leaving Jane without anything but the clothes on her back. 

Geena: We don’t stan Callie in this house. If she loved Jane that much she would’ve left her SOME money wtf

Kae: TRUE. SO FUCK, CALLIE. LIL BIIIEEETCH. But yeah, Callie dips tf out and leaves Jane with nothing. Callie DID give Jane the option to come with her and start a new life, but Jane is kind of being fueled by her revenge and it’s blinded her. I feel bad too because Jane is also being haunted by Redjack’s ghost. So there’s that. 

Geena: Gideon the perfect example why ~intellectual~ men don’t deserve ANY rights. He’s so obsessed with his own research and bullshit, he thinks that no one knows what’s best for humanity other than him, that he brings about death and destruction wherever he goes. He’s the reason Nicodemus falls, he’s also the reason that the West Coast (which is seen as shambler free because it’s protected by mountains) also falls… BECAUSE THIS BITCH CAUSES ANOTHER SHAMBLER OUTBREAK with a faulty vaccine. When Jane and Callie decided to hunt him down I was like LIVING!!! LIKE KILL THAT WHITE BOY!! Who cares for nothing other than being successful… Also, the fact that every boy Jane has thought to be cute was trash is killing me… Girl… needs better taste HONESTLY…

Also, while trying to make himself look like a Sad Boy he forcefully injects his vaccine into Katherine… WHICH ALMOST KILLS HER, but SIIIKKEE because Katherine ends up killing him instead 😎 I personally wanted his death to be WORSE and more PAINFUL for all the shit he’s done but Justina Ireland kept it SHORT and Sweet. 

The Good

→ Jane and Katherine

Geena: THE ONE… THE ONE GOOD THING THAT CAME OUT OF THIS DUOLOGY… JANE AND KATHERIN’S FRIENDSHIP… LITERAL RIDE OR DIES... BC JANE TECHNICALLY DIES AT ONE POINT LMAO

Like Kae mentioned earlier, Katherine has fully accepted Jane as a friend by the time they get to Nicodemus, but Jane is still unsure (kinda thinks she isn’t a friend type of person). Katherin reaffirms that she will be there for Jane, but Jane is like Sideyes… But, as the story progresses, after Jane “dies” Katherine spends the rest of the novel constantly thinking of Jane and wishing she had said more.  ALL THE WHILE JANE is killing her way to the West Coast.

When they do meet though it kinda hurt because Jane is essentially like ‘Sorry, the old Jane can’t come to the phone right now... because she’s dead’ and Katherine is like ?????????. Jane believes herself to be a monster, because um… she’s just been bounty hunting bad people and because she’s driven by her rage against Gideon - IMO I don’t think that would’ve made her heartless or a monster, but Callie reiterates that she doesn’t like Jane like that (as a killer)… obviously, her resolve was weaker than Jane’s but n e ways. Katherine is also like ‘omg Jane killed that dude without remorse’ (Jane kills a r*pist in front of her, but Katherine doesn’t know what he did). REGARDLESS, uNLIKE SOMEONE (Callie) Katherine doesn’t give up on Jane and accompanies her wherever Jane goes because she knows she can bring back the old Jane and… when I tell you a bitch was emotional :’) AND ALSO THE ENDING WAS BEAUTIFUL though bittersweet

Kae: Okay, let me just say, from the bottom of my heart, that I absolutely adore Jane and Katherine’s friendship. Jane thinks it was built on their shared experience of being kidnapped, but in reality, it was built on their respect for each other. When Kate first saw Jane, she was SHOOK. And Jane was like ‘oh fuck, be cool. Act like you don’t care.’ and so that happened, as Geena explained above. But Katherine stuck around because that’s her best friend and you never give up on your best friend when they’re going through something. 

Jane continues to be a meanass to Kate, but Katherine ignores it to the best of her ability and pulls her knickers up and keeps by Jane’s side. In this, Katherine notices that Jane calls her by her full name instead of just “Kate”, which was something Jane always did because she knew it annoyed Katherine. So when Jane starts to let down her guard, she slips up and calls her “Kate” and this takes Katherine to the moon! She’s so excited to see her Jane coming back! But Jane is like “whoops, I'm showing feelings. Can’t let that shit happen” and she hunkers back down. 

While Jane was off being dead and bounty hunting, Katherine was on a boat (but I don’t remember doing what) with Lily and Sue (Sue is from Miss Prestons and Nicodemus) and her new friend, a man named Carolina. When they get to California, they realize that it’s not as black friendly as they’d hoped, but it’s presumably safe so that’s what matters. Katherine here’s that San Francisco might offer them a better life, so she and her gang make the trip to get there. That’s when they run into Jane and all the above happens. 

One of my favourite parts is Carolina not liking Jane because his first introduction is killing a man without hesitation. But Katherine is like “Pfffft, oh that’s just Jane! It’s FINE!” all the while internally she’s like ‘omgomgomg wtf’. And that’s when Katherine agrees to help Jane kill Gidon and also find her mother. 

In the end, they kill Gideon’s horrible ass and end up finding Jane’s mother safe and sound in a small settlement in the mountains called New Haven. Jane’s mother is happy to see Jane, but is totally dismissive of Jane's experience and all she had to do to get to her mother again. I felt really bad for Jane because she did EVERYTHING to get back to her mother and her mom was a DICK. Anyway, Jane leaves with Redfern so they can find a new place (as reluctant homies, not as a couple) and Katherine is like “AYO, YOU JUST GONE LEAVE ME WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE, BITCH? I SAID I’M YOUR BEST FRIEND SO WHERE WE GOIN!?” And then all three of them prance off into the sunset with a new goal of finding a better life and man, a bitch (aka me and Geena) were CRYIIIIING because it was so sweet and we just love two best friends who are down for one another.  

Geena: YEEEEEEESSSSSSS, the ending was bittersweet because like Kae mentioned, Jane had been searching for her mother and her Aunt Aggie hoping to find comfort in their arms. But.. when she got to New Haven, the old life she had been desperately longing for was no longer there. Aunt Aggie was dead and her mother had remarried, and like Kae said, she ignored everything Jane had been through- not wanting to share in her daughter’s sorrows. Jane quickly realized that this wasn’t the place for her, and up and leaves, and this is where the sweetness comes in because the whole scene of Katherine running after Jane 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 Like I had been so scared Justina Ireland wouldn’t give them a happy ending, because how can a zombie story end happily, but this was A LOT better than what I had expected… a bitch (Kae and I SDJKFNSD) teared up.. Just wanna thank Kae for hyping up this sequel before I read it because wow… IT REALLY LIVED UP TO THE HYPE 

Conclusion

Geena: Like I said before, this is one of the best sequels I’ve read. Usually, books end up falling flat when you get to the second but Justina Ireland didn’t fall into the same trap. We finally get Katherine’s POV and get to learn why she insists on wearing a corset, and that she’s not as perfect as Jane believed. There’s heart-stopping action and Jane kicking major ass and truly being The Devil’s Bride. Overall, once I finished this I was like Head Empty because I couldn’t read anything afterwards because I had to take time to digest the wild ride the book had been. Also, one of the biggest takeaways (other than ‘white ppl ain’t shit’) was ‘Men don’t deserve rights’ and honestly? Same.  

Kae: So there we have it! The story ended beautifully and I really, really enjoyed it. I still haven’t been able to read anything after finishing it because it was just THAT GOOD. It’s been about a month since I finished it and I’m still reeling from how beautifully written it was. It was really refreshing to read about two black women who had FEELINGS and were able to express them to the reader (because they had a hard time expressing them to each other lmao) and it was just really nice. Katherine’s backstory was great about how she was born in a brothel house and her mother tried to teach her that if she found the right man, she’d be fine. But Katherine didn’t want that. She wanted a life where she could provide for herself and be independent. What she brought with her from her old life was her corset and she wore because she basically felt it would hold her together and suppress her anxiety. 

Geena: Also, reading about the corset again can I say one of my fave details was Sue helping Katherine loosen it whenever they were in a fight… like the moment Jane disappeared Sue was there to help Katherine and support her …. Sue… the most underrated character AND THE FACT SHE GOT HER HAPPY ENDING MARRIED TO A MANS!!!!  

Kae: Jane learned, unfortunately, that not all things are golden. Her old life that she so desperately wanted a taste of, had gone sour. Her mother was no help to Jane and couldn’t even give her the smallest of sympathies. Those two things were initially what kept Jane going (along with her Aunt Aggie), until Gideon showed up and started doing dumb shit. What Jane also learned though, was that people do care about her and even though Katherine wasn’t blood, she was her family and truly loved Jane for who she was, flaws and all. 

It’s a beautiful story about two black women finding themselves and forming an unbreakable friendship. It’s more than fighting zombies and more than surviving. It’s about LIVING and finding a way to deal with all of the problems and anxieties they face along the way. It's a great story and I urge everyone to read it. Yes, it’s fictional history about zombies. BUT, it is very telling of the time period it takes place in and Justina didn’t sugar coat any of the prejudices Black people and Indigenous peoples went through back then and I appreciated that. Deathless Divide is beautiful and poetic and heartwarming in the best of way. <3 

[heywritersblock]

generation why: g.d

a high school/best friend grayson au (bc who doesn’t want best friend!gray)

~2500 words

get in your car and laugh til we both turn blue

the day has been long and exhausting; between lesson after lesson with no free period and spending your break times in the library studying, your brain feels just about ready to combust.

you squint your eyes and bring your hand that’s not carrying your folders up to shield them against the bright sun as you finally step out of the school doors. you’d stopped a little later to get the last bit of homework done so the parking lot was much emptier than earlier.

you begin to make your way to the bus stop as your phone starts to ring in your bag. hurriedly slamming your folders onto the hip height wall next to the path and rummaging through your school backpack, you grab your phone and shove it in between your ear and shoulder, not bothering to check who’s calling.

“excuse me, ma’am. i’m gonna need you to stop right there and drop those folders. i’m afraid it’s a crime for a young hooligan like yourself to be carrying something that could easily be used as a weapon,” the voice in your ear says.

“grayson? what the hell? i’m kind of in a rush so whatever it is that you-” you start and then are soon interrupted.

“no ma’am, i don’t know who this grayson is that you speak of but he sounds like a handsome young man. in fact, this is a senior police detective trying to protect our community. that denim dress you’re wearing with the white sneakers is giving me the vibes of a delinquent who’s on her way to cause some havoc. as a law abiding citizen, i order you to stop and face the black truck in the parking lot.”

realization dawns on you as you turn to you right and see your best friend leaning against his black truck, one hand holding his phone to his ear and the other waving at you. rolling your eyes fondly, you quickly hang up your phone and keep it in your hand as you make your way over to where he’s waving you over. he’s grinning at you as you approach.

“hey shortstuff, haven’t seen you all day. you left me all alone. i was like a little orphaned lion cub just not knowing what to do with myse-“

“gray, you were literally with ethan all day. i wouldn’t call yourself an abandoned baby lion just yet,” you interrupt, a small smile on your lips.

“ok, point taken. where’ve you been though? i texted you a couple of times but you didn’t reply. are you good?” he asks genuinely.

you nod, smile growing at his concern. “yeah, just had a busy day. y’know, just homework and stuff kicking my ass. spent most of my day in the library if i wasn’t in class,” you explain, still clutching your heavy folders and moving them to your other arm being careful not to drop your phone. “ahh i see. that explains why your shoulders are so tense they’re almost up to your ears,” he says as he grabs the folders off you, ignoring your protests that you could carry them yourself.

he continues, not letting you get a word in edgeways, “god i can smell the boring on you. that’s what happens when you spend all day in the library. yeah, i can smell boring and books and…” he dramatically sniffs around you, “ahh yes. ms. garfield’s cheese and onion sandwich. gross! ok, get in. we’ll go get coffee and you can forget about what sounds like my idea of the shittiest day to ever exist.”

he slides your backpack off your shoulders and shoos your hands away as you try to grab it back. “in!” he sing songs at you as he makes his way around to the driver’s side, throwing your backpack and folders into the backseat with a little less care than you would like.

the mere presence of your best friend means that your crappy mood starts to lift and by the time you’re hitting the highway en route to grayson’s favourite coffee shop, you’re relaxing back into your seat listening to his ranting about his science teacher’s shitty attitude towards him and ethan.

“yeah, ok gray. now tell me about what you and E did to cause the shitty attitude,” you laugh.

“what? i’m offended! we’re well behaved, role model stu-- ok. well, so, it all started when…”

by the time gray’s exited the highway and you’re pulling into the coffee shop parking lot, your stomach is aching and your cheeks are screaming with laughter at the tale your best friend is telling about his and ethan’s escapades in their science experiment. gray physically can’t look at you until he puts  the car into park because when he sees you crying with laughter, he laughs so hard he starts to wheeze.

as your laughter finally begins to die down, you’re leaning forward and wiping at your eyes with your edge of your denim dress when you hear him ask, “how’re you feeling?”

he flashes his kilowatt grin at you after you reply, “much better already.”

“s’my secret talent. I know just how to cheer you up,” he says smugly.

“y’know gray. i think you might be right,” you smile before hopping out of the truck.

this town don't got much to do you and i haven't got much to lose do you wanna rock in your room like we always do?

“y/n! grayson’s here! again! it’s almost like he doesn’t have a home of his own to go to,” your dad yells up the stairs to you, adding on the last part for comedic effect. “nah, sir - of course i do. unfortunately though, mine has a demon who looks just like me that’s out for revenge. your house is more of a safe haven. thanks for protecting such a  young and helpless child!” you hear grayson reply as he’s climbing the stairs. your dad laughs and adds on a quick, “yeah, yeah. door stays open!” out of habit. “yes sir!” gray replies as he steps into your room and shuts your door until just before it clicks. you huff out a laugh from your desk chair as you watch him and he turns to shrug at you, “he never says how open it should stay, right?” you guffaw out a laugh as gray throws himself onto your bed and rests on his back. “hey, so. question for you,” he asks as he rolls his head to face you. “shoot,” you reply, rolling closer on your desk chair so you can rest your feet on the bed like a foot stool. “why is our town so fuckin’ boring?” “ahhh, the age old question. well, young grasshopper, it’s simply because we are far too much fun for this town. every town would probably pale in comparison to us. we would make even the funnest of towns appear boring. it’s just one of the prices to pay for being a bundle of fun, which, together, we are,” you explain sarcastically. gray’s bark of a laugh escapes his mouth and he slaps a hand over it, seemingly shocked at just how loud it was. you prod him with your toe as you giggle and watch him try to regain his composure. he grabs a hold of your foot gently and shakes it from side to side for a moment as he contemplates what you’ve said, before replying, “well fuck. we’re screwed then. our lives will be filled with boredom. gee, i’m so glad i came to see you,” he jokes. “we’ll only be bored if we’re together remember. together, we’re a bundle of fun. separately? we ain’t shit, gray,” you giggle, wiggling your toes that are still in his grip. “well, we’d better find something to keep us entertained then ‘cause i’m not planning on leaving you any time soon,” he says as he grabs further up your leg to pull you closer on your wheely chair and then pull you onto the bed at the side of him. your heart swells at how much love your best friend gives you and then you giggle when his koala arms and legs restrict you movement completely. “see what’s new on netflix?” you ask quietly and then elbow him fondly in the ribs to get him off you when he nods. he sits up and starts plumping your pillows behind him to get comfortable, explaining just why ethan’s out for revenge and then trying to convince you to go downstairs and grab some popcorn. ten minutes later, he’s heading back up the stairs having made the microwave popcorn and sliding under the blanket you’ve stretched over the bed with a mouthful of the snack. “screw our shitty town. i love it here,” he mumbles just as he rests his head on your shoulder and you press play.

parents think, we're fast asleep but as soon as we're home, we're sneaking out the window

your phone lights up as you scroll aimlessly through social media on your laptop. the night is dark and there’s a slight breeze that’s interrupted the spell of uncomfortably hot weather in your town. gray 23:48 here x you glance quickly out of your bedroom window and grab your backpack, hesitating about whether you should grab the hoodie lying at the end of your bed or not. deciding against it, you carefully but not at all gracefully climb out of your window onto the roof of the garage under the window. you slide the window silently shut, careful to make sure you’ll be able to get back in when you get home later. you walk to the edge of the garage roof and throw your backpack down first before lowering yourself onto the trash cans that are positioned perfectly for this. jumping down, dusting off your denim shorts and grabbing your backpack, you run as fast as you can across the lawn and dive into the black truck idling in front of your house. “’sup james bond. that was some serious spy shit i just witnessed,” gray greets you, taking your backpack off you and throwing it into the back seat, just as tradition dictates. “please. he’s got nothing on me. you ok?” you ask, noticing your best friend’s red eyes and dark rings under them. “yeah, yeah, i’m good,” he says, purposely not looking at you. he goes to move the car into drive but you place your hand on his forearm, tugging until he looks at you. “ok, now i’m actually concerned. when have you ever lied to me? what’s going on?” you ask. “just family shit, you know. family battles. can we go somewhere to talk? i feel like your dad is going to come out here at any point and lynch me and i really don’t wanna be crying when he does that,” he tries to joke. you smile softly to humour him and reply, “of course. let’s go to that diner on the edge of town. it’ll be nice and quiet,” you suggest. he nods, not meeting your eyes again. just before he finally puts the car into drive, he glances at you and mumbles a quiet, “thanks, y/n.” as the car begins to move, you whisper over to him, “hey. whatever it is, it’ll pass. families are the worst sometimes. love you, gray.” “love you, too.”

talk about how fast we grew and all the big dreams that we won't pursue

the summer is in full force now and school’s been out for weeks. you’ve just got back from your family vacation and after a quick nap at home to try and fend off the jet lag, you were straight on over to the dolan house.

you knocked rapidly on the front door and rolled your eyes as Grayson opened the door within seconds, sarcastically asking, “yes? can i help you? i’m just waiting for my best friend to return from the war. i’m not sure i’ll remember what she looks like. oh – wait! y/n? is that you?”

“well you can fuck off if you’re think you’re getting your gift from vacation now!” you laugh.

“y/n! it is you! the sass brought your memory straight back to me! get in here,” he yells, drowning you in his tight hug.

hours later after catching up with the rest of the dolan family and hanging out with the twins for a while, you’re lying on your back in grayson’s backyard, staring up at the star filled sky and listening to the crickets chirping from the forest nearby. grayson’s head is touching yours from where he lays behind you and you can feel the wave of calm you get from being around your best friend. he interrupts your thoughts when he asks you quietly, “hey, do you think in five years time we’ll still be here? like after college and stuff, do you think we’ll still find our way back here?” you hum to let him know you’ve heard him and then you contemplate what he’s just asked. after a couple of minutes, you feel him tilt his head back and try to knock it gently against yours to prompt you for your answer. “honestly, i don’t know,” you say, laughing quietly to yourself at grayson’s dramatic intake of breath. “wow, that hurts y/n. here i am planning our future together and you just crush my dreams in four words. ouch,” he jokes. “for real though, why aren’t you sure?” you sigh in thought and try to explain your thoughts eloquently enough for him to understand. “gray, you’re destined for great things. no, don’t laugh, you are. you’re going to be in LA with E, causing chaos and doing what you love. you’re going to do great things. i mean, so am i but not the same great things as you, y’know. i just feel like we’ll end up in different places. so no, i don’t think we’ll still be here in five years time. but we’ll be somewhere on a summer’s night where we’re laying out and looking at the same sky. hopefully we’ll be in the yard of my million dollar mansion but it’s ok if that’s not in five years. maybe six?” he guffaws in laughter behind you and you feel him start to shuffle around when he’s quietened. you’re still staring up at the sky, feeling content and warm when his body moves beside yours. he knocks gently at your head with his elbow to signal you to lift your head up. he slides his arm underneath your head and pulls you close into his side. time passes silently with the two of you laying on the dewy grass, holding each other close when he pipes up suddenly, “so what exactly do you think i’ll be doing in LA? ‘cause here’s what i’m thinkin’. so, imagine this…”

inspired by generation why by conan gray :)

[maxxiies]

.･:*:･ﾟ’ twenty year old cis male maximillian 'maxxie' st. perez III was made in the upper east side and attended st. judes. he still resides in new york, and are currently a socialite and philanthropist. they are spontaneous utterances of useless facts, worry bitten fingernails, overlapping maps as wallpaper, astronomy projector lamps and a cozy reading nook in a personal library. onlookers say they resemble froy gutierrez.

hello my name is celia and i love this rp so much that i have taken up my last allowed character to complete some sort of deal with the devil and in exchange i will get the power to play this many characters and not experience stress. neat!

BACKSTORY 

maximillian is the first born son of the st. perez family, named after his father ( maximillian st. perez II ) ... duh that’s how that works okay 

the st perez name is linked to two things -- status and philanthropy 

in addition to running multi million dollar companies ( both his parents being CEO of their separate endeavors ) they’re also linked with tons of charities and have a joint non profit benefiting wildlife in threatened ecosystems

i like to think of them like the clooneys. successful in their own right but turning right around to make larges donations and using their status-laden voices to speak out for causes they believed in

maximillian spent his childhood doing lots of traveling for his parents’ work and for their humanitarian efforts. he grew up very well cultured and it shows

he also demonstrated unusually high intelligence and recollection abilities, prattling off stats and financial terms his parents used around him as early as four years old 

that’s also around that time that his little brother was born. he was an ‘oopsie’ baby but maximillian just loved him twice as hard because he was just sweet that way. 

anyways so maxxie started going by maxxie because his name was too much of a mouthful for his lil bro and they were :’) inseparable

somewhere in his childhood, maxxie got tested for his atypical language / comprehension abilities and that’s where they found out he’s got an eidetic memory. 

they watched his iq grow exponentially and tbh,,, they were thrilled

what a better heir than someone who remembers every single fcking detail of every single thing? already at age 10 he practically could have been hired on lol

you get the idea -- anyways, he focused all his energies on learning stupid facts because for all his big brain, he’s incredibly socially awkward as many geniuses are. he didn’t have many friends besides his little brother and spent most of his time in their library reading and rereading all the books he could find.

the st. perez family has been based in the upper east side for a long ass time but do so much travel that it’s always like ‘oh i’m back from ____ insert country here but in two weeks i’ll be gone again’ so if your character is from literally anywhere? probably could have met maxxie.

it ain’t his secret but two years ago, his beloved baby brother od’ed at a party hosted by margot & carter. he was there when it happened and was in the ambulance ride over and essentially watched the person he loved most have a complete and total collapse. we’ll unpack that more over time but let’s just say it’s given maxxie a lot of trauma to deal with and a lot of rage he doesn’t know how to process

PERSONALITY AND PASSIONS

definitely socially awkward. think reid from criminal minds just missing cues with an inability to ‘read the room’. what he lacks in social graces, he supplies in absolutely useless facts.

a lot of ‘uh... so did you know that on average, 12 newborns are given to the wrong parents every day? messy huh!’ 

some of his favorite things are travel documentaries and true crime podcasts but basically anything where he can glean large quantities of information to occupy his ever restless mind 

i’d say about 95% of him is fragile, gullible and unsure. he wasn’t bullied but he definitely didn’t have a ton of friends throughout school. in fact a lot of the time, his younger brother was probably the one who got him his friend group bc i picture him as more the charming reckless party boy sort who would understand maxxie’s,,, awkwardness

brother would get invited to parties, he’d invite maxxie. they were inseparable and i’m mad at myself for that character point 

but that 5%? the 5% that isn’t soft and awkward and lovable? grudges. when maxxie feels something, he feels it passionately and without any chance of budging. the thing about an eidetic memory is that you remember literally everything. details you may want to suppress are conjured to mind without even wanting them.

essentially a living source of receipts -- boy could be gossip girl or at least the robin to her batman

MISC

would have graduated st. jude’s early but stayed around to help as like teacher’s aides and things. also kind of needed the social exposure

experiences nightmares hardcore, most of which center around reliving his brother’s OD

probably holds stupid records like 10th fastest person in the world to solve a rubiks’ cube or 5th to know the digits of pi

he’s got serious wanderlust and gets restless when he hasn’t traveled outside of new york for long stretches of time

has a fascination with the stars, space and black holes. he likes the idea of infinity and endlessness because he feels like his head is an endless abyss that stores information without filling

he’s breezing through college courses currently set to graduate early with a degree in psychology but plans to pursue grad school and a doctorate before potentially adding math or a language degree as well.

relationship wise, he’s definitely not an avid fan of dating. he’s just not good at it. flirting makes him squirm but he also craves companionship and is a bi prince so i mean i guess date him? love him? cherish him! 

that being said i do picture him having maybe one or two soft innocent relationships over the past 6 or so years so hmu. ( still a virgin though -- just food for thought )

PLOTS 

best friend -- EMERY

fake friends 

family friends -- GIULIA, FEDE, MIA

someone he tutored -- JAMILA

unrequited crush -- GIGI

protective over him -- AUGUST

flirtationship ( probably one sided but cute ) -- FEDE

first kiss -- MIA

one or two innocent h/s / early college relationships -- CECE

unforgivable grudges -- MARGOT & CARTER rip

trying to get him out of his shell

bad influence / party buddy 

someone who reminds him of his lil bro-- THEO

uh, honestly anything ok

TRAVEL BUDDIES -- FEDE

[ashley-goranski-blog]

Michael Mell x Reader; Sexual Cravings ((SMUT))

yep this is happening !! i cant believe im doing this im such a sin omfg

— requested; no trigger warnings; i dont think so??? kinks; a bit of hair pulling and dirty talk n some spankings;) — enjoy you dirty children; ps im sorry if this is really bad i tried, i also h ate proofreading so im sORRYthis is also one of my first smuts besides the one i made for a friend of mine;; this is also my first x reader goodness i am inexperienced. i feel so ridiculous aaa (the longer i think about this in my drafts the more i hate it tbh) also i type member and womANHOOD BECAUSE I FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE WITH THAT O K AY ok sorry i need to just post this bc ill stop hating it as much

You and Michael had been going out for a couple months now, your relationship was incredibly healthy and all but there was still one thing you weren’t satisfied with yet. You had an intense sexual craving for Michael. You two have never done anything sexual, I mean—you’ve gotten close. . .the farthest you’ve guys ever gotten was Michael’s kissing trailing down to your chest, you two would’ve gotten dirty then but your moment was interrupted by your mom barging in your room. Yeah, that was awkward. Luckily for you, your parents were going away on a trip for the week—this was your chance to. . .y’know get down and dirty with your boyfriend. You plopped yourself onto your bed, thinking of ways you could tell Michael that you wanted to do things with him. You were a virgin and really didn’t know that much about sex, you knew a couple kinks, you’ve seen porn before, but aside from that you were a bit clueless. Your parents were leaving tomorrow so you had to take this chance, you’ve had this sexual craving for weeks—maybe even months now and it was k i l l i n g you. You got all cozy up in your blankets, falling asleep peacefully as you felt the cold breeze from outside.

You grabbed your backpack by the front door, saying goodbye to your parents considering this will be the last time you see them for the week. You shivered as you felt the cold breeze brush against your skin—it had more of an affect due to your wet hair, you had to take a quick shower since you forgot to last night. You were wearing a F/C sweater with the words, ‘Burr, I’m cold!’ along with jeans and sneakers—you patiently waited for Michael to come running up to you, you two always walked to school together. Only a few seconds later, your stunning boyfriend had run up to you—talk about timing. He put an arm around you, kissing your head. He was only a bit taller than you. “Hey, babe.” He smiled, you looked up at him and booped his nose, “Well hello there cutie.” he blushed a light pink and chuckled at you booping his nose. “You sleep well?” Michael asked, you nodded. Michael was always so caring, you loved it whenever he’d ask if you’ve slept well or if you’ve eaten—he cared so much about you and your health. . .he was just so loving, you couldn’t ask for anything more. You two chatted on your way to school, laughing and smiling—going your separate ways when you reached the school, your lockers were way too far apart for your liking. You bit your lip, thinking about the things you wanted Michael to do to you and vice versa. You shook your head as an attempt to clear your dirty thoughts, if that didn’t do it the bell certainly did. You quickly finished doing whatever in your locker, slamming it shut and running to your class. They always felt like forever and they were always so boring, classes that is. Worst of all—none of them were with Michael! The cutest, sweetest boy in your damn life! The only time you could really see him is at lunch with Jeremy. It felt like forever until lunch actually came, you didn’t really care for your school’s lunch but ate it anyway. You made your way to the usual table where you, Michael and Jeremy would sit—you were the first one to actually arrive at the table, you pulled your phone out of your pocket, scrolling through social media and playing games while you waited for Michael and Jeremy. When they did eventually sit down, you quickly turned off your phone and lifted your head up. “It’s been 5 years.” You joked, both of the  boys chuckled and Michael ruffled your hair—then kissing you, “I missed you.” He said, still close to your face. You blushed, “I missed you too.” you smiled causing him to smile back at you. God, he loved your smile. Actually, he loved everything about you. . .and you loved everything about him. You flinched a bit, feeling him put his hand on your knee—he looked at you, concerned and quickly pulled his hand away, unsure if he just spooked you a bit or you didn’t like it. You shook your head no, “It just scared me a bit.” you told him. He sighed in relief, you looked over at Jeremy to make sure he was doing alright. He was doing great, occupied by his phone. You looked back at Michael, blushing lightly realizing he was still looking at you. You both stared into each other’s eyes for a few moments before Michael blinked, realizing what he was doing and going back into reality. “Michael—” You said quietly, but loud enough for Michael to hear, “Hmm?” he hummed. “I wanna talk to you about something after school.” You said, nervously playing with the hem of your sweater. He nodded and kissed your temple, earning a giggle from you—Jeremy looked up, curious as to what was happening both you and Michael looked at him and smiled in unison. Jeremy chuckled and looked back down at his phone.

The three of you made it out of the school, Jeremy said he was gonna walk home today—you and Michael decided not to question it and nodded, going your separate ways. Michael unlocked his car and opened the door for you, “What’d you wanna talk about?” he asked, you got into his car—not responding yet so he closed the door and assumed you were gonna tell him when you were both in the car. He walked around the car, opening the door and getting in—closing the door and starting the car, he looked at you and waited for an answer. “W-Well, my parents are gonna be gone for the week and—” You took a deep breath, “I don’t know, I’ve been like kind of frustrated lately.” Michael grabbed your hand, planting a kiss on it. “What’s wrong?” He asked, you could hear worry in his voice. “N-No, not like that kind of frustrated like. . .that kind of frustrated.” You said, blushing from embarrassment. Michael blushed, “O-Oh.” he said quietly. “B-But I’m not saying you have to!” You said quickly, “I’m just—I’m just saying! God, I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it, you see I just—” Michael chuckled, “Hey, hey, it’s fine.” he cut you off, he found it adorable at how nervous you were. “I-I’ve kind of been. . .yeah.” He said, you looked away still a bit embarrassed. After a minute of silence, you looked back over at Michael. “I can’t take it anymore.” You said, he looked at you—seeing the hunger in your eyes. “M-Michael, I need you.” You stuttered, Michael nodded before driving off to your house. You felt butterflies in your tummy—not that, that feeling was out of the ordinary, Michael always gave you butterflies. . .you were just so excited—in more ways than one.

Michael pulled into your driving lot, taking his PT Cruiser keys out of the ignition. You two got out of the car at the same time—both of you rushed to the front door as you took the house key out of your pocket, trying to quickly unlock the door. You were filled with excitement as well as Michael, you successfully unlocked the door and ran inside, closing the door. Jesus, you two got really horny during that car ride. He pinned you against the door, kissing you deeply. You gasped, allowing him access to explore your mouth. He pushed his body up against yours, his crotch brushing against yours—causing you to let out a small moan. Your lips separated, you stared into each others eyes for a couple moments before he picked you up bridal style and took you over to the couch, setting you down. “Are you sure you want to do this?” Michael asked, you nodded. “One hundred percent.” You assured him, he chuckled and planted a kiss on your forehead. “Well in that case. . .” He bent down, face to face with your womanhood. He put his hands on your knees, spreading your legs—you were leaking through your panties a bit but not a lot. . .still noticeable though. Michael smirked and put your legs back together, “Take off your pants.” he demanded. You nodded and quickly took off your jeans—he spread your legs again and put two fingers at the entrance of your womanhood, “Look at you. . .so wet, so wet just for me.” he smiled, you whined—wanting him to do something to you. “Patience, love.”  He said, smirking and removing your panties. He inserted two fingers into you, you moaned—he tugged at your shirt, signaling you to remove it, so you did. He groped your left breast, earning a gasp from you followed by another moan as his fingers went in and out. “M-Michael...” You whined, “You want my cock, don’t you?” he smirked. . .hearing him say that just seemed to turn you on more—you nodded quickly. He removed his fingers and began to take off his clothes, once he was finished he went back to fingering you, but this time with three fingers and rubbing your clit with his thumb—making you become a moaning mess, “I want you to beg for it.” he said making your eyes go big, “W-Wha—” you moaned before you could finish. “Beg for it.” His pace went face, you gulped. “I-I want you. . .t-to fuck me, Michael. I want you to fuck me with your big cock!~” You moaned, he smirked—clearly satisfied. “Alright.” He removed his fingers from your womanhood and flipped you over. He spanked you, earning a small yelp from you as he bit his lip and positioned himself to your entrance. “You’re sure you wanna do this?” He asked again, he was horny as hell but still wanted your consent. . .what a sweet boy. You nodded, he smiled and pushed his member into gently. You moaned and bit your lip, it hurt a bit but you dealt with the pain—his thrusts were slow at first but within time they started to speed up, “You like my cock, yeah?” he groaned and spanked you—you nodded. “Mhm~” you moaned. He began to pull your hair, but this only made you moan more than you already were. “Your pussy’s so tight~” He groaned, “M-Michael, fuck me harder with your cock!~” you moaned. His thrusts got faster and he fucked you harder—this man was determined to make you scream his name. He gripped your hair tighter and pulled it harder—lifting your body up a bit. He rubbed your clit with his free hand, making you moan loudly and not only that, big boy Michael had just found your g-spot. “M-MICHAEL!” You yelled, “F-FUCK! F-Fuck me. . .fuck me right, right there...” you moaned. He smirked, feeling achieved he had found your g-spot and began to ram into your g-spot—you moaned his name a decent amount of times, suddenly you feel a knot begin to form in your stomach. “Fuck— Michael, I’m so close. . .you—” You moaned but continued your sentence, “make me feel so good~” Michael groaned hearing you say that, “I love you. . .I love you so much, Y/N.” now keep in mind—he may be fucking your brains out right now, but he truly means it. He does love you. He loves you so, so, so, so, so, much. . .and you love him back, you two sometimes argue on who loves each other more—but they’re playful arguments!  “Fuck! Y/N, I’m gonna cum!” He groaned, “M-Me t—” before you could even finish saying what you were gonna say, both you and Michael reached your climax—both of you screaming each others name simultaneously. He let go of your hair and pulled his member out, collapsing down onto the couch. Some of his cum dripping out of you—you collapsed down next to him and it was only now you realized. . .you had forgotten to use something. You looked at him, both of you breathing heavily—he smiled and stroked your hair, “I love you.” he smiled, you loved hearing him say that. “I love you too. . .but we, uh, forgot to use a condom.” You chuckled nervously, Michael looked horrified. You kissed him, “Excitement got the best of us.” you said. He sighed, “I suppose.” you ran your fingers through his hair. “C’mon, hon. Let’s go shower.” You said, you had read on the internet that you should shower after intercourse. Michael nodded—you picked up your guys’ clothes and he picked you up, carrying you upstairs to your shower. (I apologize if you don’t have a two-story house;;)  You dropped the clothes onto the bathroom floor as Michael turned on the shower—he opened the shower door, stepping in and waited for you to step in. You slowly stepped into the shower, unaware if it was gonna be hot or cold. Michael smiled and closed the shower door, it was your usual shower. You and Michael washed each other’s hair and body, he kissed your forehead a couple times and you’d take some of the foam from your hair and put it on Michael’s nose. You actually make a foam beard and pretended you were Santa Claus, earning a small giggle from Michael—he honestly thought it was incredibly adorable. Like, how can a human be that cute? The shower didn’t last too long, you and Michael didn’t play around that much—you both dried off with a couple of towels and helped each other put your clothes back on, Michael picked you up making you giggle. “You’re seriously the cutest damn thing...” He said softly, taking you back downstairs. You blushed lightly, he sat down on the couch and set you down in his lap, “I’d say you’re cuter.” you smirked. Michael gasped dramatically, “Noo! You’re the cutest.” he laughed. “Nuh uh.” You smiled, he tickled you a bit—you giggled and kissed him. “I love you so much.” You muttered, “I love you too.” he intertwined his fingers with yours as you put your foreheads on his. 

[fireflydunes]

2020 Reflection: I basically come back to tumblr annually just to reflect.

Here’s something I wrote in 2017, I’ve answered this every year since. 

“Dear future me,

Are you happy?

Do you have someone you love?

Can you drive yet?

Are you one step closer to achieving your goals?

I bet you’re still fat :p work on that yeah?

Oh and please love yourself bc i certainly love the idea of you”. Its November 2019 now. Its been over a year since my last update. Am I happy? The answer is a bit complicated. If you were to ask how my mood was, I’d say everyday it fluctuates between “Okay” and “Content”. I may have placed too high of a bar on happiness there. What does that mean too high of a bar. Do I need to have no negative emotions in order for me to be truly happy. Thats certainly not true; I feel a collective swarm of emotions and all throughout they hit me like a whirlwind. Either a cold breeze or warm fuzziness, it’s constantly washing over me. What’s important is that I hold onto the good stuff, reflect on the bad stuff but let myself feel everything fully and then let them go. This is also much easier written than done; this is my first time reflecting in a long while, I’ve been going to counselling and it’s alright–sometimes I feel amazing sometimes I don’t. I forget that that’s okay. But yeah, I think collectively as a whole, I’m doing really well, I’m no where near unhappy–I was terribly miserable as I’d just started uni and found out too much of my identity was tied to Physics and I’m letting go of Physics because the course just isn’t for me. I still feel disoriented, like an empty slate–not really, I’ve got my values and traits very unique to me, yes, but I feel like something veryy important to me has been taken away. And I do want to evaluate why that is?

Why was physics so important. I’ll explore that in a separate document. But hey, am I happy? Yes, but not how I’d thought I’d be happy when I was younger. I might actually prefer this–being able to take in all the emotions that aggregate something that  feels…good. Do you have someone you love?

I nailed this last time and I continue to nail this aspect. Afu, Naani and my sister have continued to remain very strong foundations of constant love and support. I have lovely friends that I love dearly and miss, I met my boyfriend at possibly the best time–it was when I really didn’t need one nor was I looking. My life was so full and rich with love, the thrill of the next step, loads of travelling, love even from my mother and the extended family (an unexpected source). But I was so so full and I had an amazing relationship with myself as well. To then meet someone, that still, added to this was amazing. I was able to fully open myself upto a new type of love and be comfortable with my vulnerability and I love him so much for that. Can you drive yet?

I’m in Canada right now, so I can’t drive here yet ;-; This is terribly sad, I was already an awful driver and now it’d gonna be worse.   Are you one step closer to achieving your goals?

In a way, yes. In another way, no. I’ve gotten closer in the sense that the rug has been ripped out from underneath and everything I believe in, has changed. I am in a forest, vast and dense. I am pretty lost–but I am trying to figure it all out. In a way, I feel like this is me looking at what I truly want, without any underlying desire to gain my parent’s approval and prove my worth.

The next part is on Body issues.

Lately, my relationship with food and my body hasn’t been great. It was really amazing the majority of the year bc I exercised daily, I ran everyday, did a couple of marathons, but I did kind of grow endurance and also did some extreme stuff like running 7k after 2 hours or badminton. By then I was at my fittest condition but my relationship with my body, and eating, was still no where near healthy. I’m more aware of it now, and do continue to work on this. But at the same time, I’d like to mention, my relationship with food is not amazing, but my body remains loved and cared for–the extent of it is just something I wish to deepen. I’m gonna skip the next questions and go right to the very last one bc that’s what I want to talk about. I chose to study. I’m in university now, but 2019 was not at all about university. 2019 was about, isolation, finding a way to grow in that isolation. Being surrounded by the loveliest sweetest kids, learing how to live with mom, learning that I’ve so much work to do. I learned how to comfort my mother, I learned what it was like to fully feel good in my own body–which was amazing but always came with an awareness and knowing the danger of feeling so good in a body that looked really good. “Does this mean my fall will be even deeper?” I do want to reach a point in my life where my value and worth are no longer so dependent on image and shallow opinions of others or how I am to be of service to others. We’re gonna work on that. Question for 2020 zuha. Are you living off-campus now? How has that been? It’s End of November 2020 Are you happy?

I agree with me from a year ago, it’s very much not a bad thing and quite normal to be feeling a swarm. I feel varying degrees of happy, sad, upset, hungry throughout the days. I’ve just broken up with my ex after a year and a couple of months in, so I’m learning how to just be okay with this new norm of feeling heartbroken, sad, missing him, and almost each time going through the waves of grief. With COVID happening I think, since March, there’s been a lot of heartbreak, emotional strain, isolation like never before, loneliness...really feeling so alone. I’m really struggling now because that still, helped so much with making me feel not-alone. So I’m also struggling in general right now, haha. This one’s not as well-worded as the others, everything still feels fresh even though its only been a month since.        I’m struggling most with my urge and want to immediately be better, immediately be resilient and not really give myself a chance to be in pain, be heartbroken, just be devastated. I’ve said this a lot throughout this post but I think, I’m struggling with this one, haha. I’m trying to find joy in small things now, I think that’s what give you happiness, sustainable happiness. The daily tasks, small things, the interactions with people. Just trying to focus on one day at a time, and small things that might give me warm fuzzy feelings. 

Do you have someone you love?

Yes, I’ve also lost two relationshipsthis past year. I’ve lost my first real “I love you” person and I’ve lost what was an incredibly close and loving relationship with my sister.  But in this time, my friends have been my family, my utmost support, they banded together really to come lift me up. I feel very loved, and grateful to have them. I’m learning to find peace with how things are with my sister. I’m trying to actively reach out to my friends--I tend to self-isolate and feel like a burden in my relationships. Which is a bit unfair, because it’s alright to admit that some of our actions can be burdensome to others, but people help you regardless and in spite of the inconvenience because they love you. So I’m trying to have a habit of thanking them rather than apologising.  Also, yes, myself. A thought that brings me so much comfort is knowing every version of me that existed and will exist, loves and cares for me so much. Looking back at the past me’s I only feel love and kindness and I know a year from now, older me is giving me a hug and telling me everything going to be alright.

Can you drive yet?

I can, and I drive on Sundays or when I’m off to get an errand. It’s really rare though since I’m so cooped up and swamped with uni. UM, big change though, I’m a very calm driver now, I drive very slowly. The reckless driving really was not cute and endangered many lives at one point and I really learned from that. And I think as you grow used to your surroundings as well, and have a shift in I guess, maturity, things just naturally slow down.

Are you one step closer to achieving your goals?

Yes.  I’ve also really made peace with Physics: It’s the novelty of it and wanting something absolutely without a doubt amazing. A mix of, i want to do something grand and amazing so I am deserving of my parents’ love, as well as this is definitely unambiguously amazing and so I will undeniably be amazing, special, and seen as such by my pare--you get the point. So the thing now to watch out for, isn’t what profession I choose or careers I want togo for, it’s making sure I’m choosing it not to make up, yet again, for this lack of love and attention as a child. 

I had an amazing year exploring my subjects, I’m a complete humanities baby, I love anthropology out of all of them at the moment for the freedom and range within the discipline. It was also really lovely meeting professionals in the Creative Arts, also very wonderful being told that taking that leap of faith last year was brave. I’d realised that this was something perceived by many and also I’d internalised, as something cowardly, so it was extra meaningful to have so many people see courage instead.

I’m also still allowed to love physics, ofcourse, and astronomy and be amazed and awed but also--be sulky and sad and every now and then grieve the loss of that childhood to early twenties dream.

So far the most important thing I’ve learned is, you don’t just have one career, you have multiple, and neither of them are your identity. 

I bet you’re still fat :p work on that yeah?

I’m honestly surprised that in 2017 I was so harsh on myself but then remember it was later that year I started therapy for the first time ever. I’m also, not surprised that last year by this time already I’d noticed that my relationship with health in general is a bit strained. It’s not diagnosed or anything in case anyone’s reading, just a general notice of when I’m mentally doing not ok, I eat in a way that I don’t really feel good and this brings about a lot of shame. I also had tied way too much of my identity to running and being healthy.  This year, I haven’t done a lot of either, so naturally my weight has changed. I’m struggling with it right now, moreso because of how isolated I am, and the actual comments from the outside I’m getting on it. It helped to, instead of getting sad, to get angry at them. I’ve said things back, retaliated a bit, drawn the line at inappropriate (but not perceived as such in my community) comments. that’s been extremely good. However, it’s been a challenge ever since my dad made such a point of it. This might be something worthy to think on, the relevance of him. But, I think for now, I really am trying to remind myself at every weight I’ve always been weary and cautious of health, internally i’ve been the same person, same qualities, same amazing fun loving all that jazz, I’ve always been worthwhile. That being said, my knee ache is back, my PCOS is worse, my hairfall is terrible--I need to lmao build some muscle, be more active, but in a way that elevates my mood and I don’t tie so much of myself to it.

Question for 2020 zuha. Are you living off-campus now? How has that been? So this was meant for Off-campus in CANADA. I’m not there b, I’m back home, same as every transitionary moment in my life haha. It’s a mixed bag honestly. With COVID, male’ isn’t any better. No where seems any better honestly. Some days are tough, but I feel really touched by my friends, the checking up, the gaming together. It’s quite lovely. Univevrsity has also been quite =, nice but HARSH. Universities have really proven themselves as institutions for profit, it’s really disturbing and saddening, but individuals within have been so lovely and understanding and you really love these subjects and these people far more than anything in Physics kek. 2021 Zu, Nice to meet you. I’m really curious to see where you are a year from now. What would you want me right now to know. :)