#i picked mushroom cave instead of bats this time

[xbittersweet-nostalgiax]

Signs I have been playing Stardew Valley for too long: I saw on my phone's lockscreen that it was Friday irl and I got excited bc traveling cart shopping day

[justletmeplayminecraft]

another fic based in the magic misfits au compiled by @haworthiaace​! this time: somebody pranks impulse by hiding catnip in his base, and zed recruits scar to take care of him.

featuring: demons are oversized cats, just a lot of fluff, impulse is full of love for his friends, for once team zit have a crisis that isn’t world ending, zed is a good(ish) impulse sitter, no real plot, only shenanigans.

warnings: unintended drug use, drugged character, it’s not anything serious he’s just a big cat on catnip lmao.

[Zedaph] Okay. We have no judgement when we ask this

[Tango] which one of you nerds gave Imp catnip?

[Tango] speak now or I will force it out of you.

[Stressmonster101] oh! was wonderin where me patch went

[Stressmonster101] got no answers tho, sorry boys :(

[Xisuma] catnip isn't harmful to demons, right?

[Zedaph] No...

[Tango] he's high, X

[Tango] like a cat.

[Xisuma] ah

[Xisuma] well, if you're handling it

[Zedaph] That's one way to put it.

-

"Scar!" Scar jumps up. He barely catches a glance of black and yellow before there are arms around his waist. With a strangled noise, he nearly falls backwards. Thankfully, whatever is clinging to him keeps him upright. Although Scar has to hold his hat on, his other arm trapped in the grip.

"Scar, oh!" Scar's panicked mind manages to recognise that voice. Zedaph. Something behind him is beginning to nudge into his hair, accompanied by happy little humming noises. "I'm so sorry. Impulse, come here-"

The pressure releases him. Scar's able to turn and find Impulse and Zed standing there. Zedaph has his arm wrapped around Impulse's, offering a nervous smile. Whilst Impulse... Impulse is currently flicking at one of Zed's ears with a bright smile and wide eyes filled with wonder. Scar frowns when he sees thin, reddened lines across the skin. Zedaph doesn't flinch at the scratches, holding onto Impulse and looking apologetic.

"Sorry, Scar, I lost hold of him." Impulse hums at Zed’s words as he bats his ear again, grinning as it bounces. Zedaph finally sighs, spinning Impulse around and picking him up into a piggyback. Impulse makes a sound suspiciously like a purr, melting into Zedaph's hair.

"Do you, uh, need help with that?" Scar asks, gesturing his hand between them both.

Zed gasps, "Yes! That's why I came, wasn't it? Yeah!" He nods to himself. "Tango's looking for where the catnip is, so he thought I could bring Impulse here for now. We have no idea how long he'll be like this, so..." Impulse makes another low hum. Scar is pretty sure that's purring. He's nudging into Zedaph's hair now, horns mussing it up further. Zedaph's lucky those points aren't stabbing him.

"Of course." Scar chuckles, shaking his head at the pair. Compared to the trio's usual problems, this seems tame. No interdimensional crisis, nothing that needs his spellbook or crystals. He can manage this. "Come on, then, let's get this demonic kitty somewhere to calm down."

They’ve only managed a few steps when Impulse sees a leaf floating in the air, leaping off Zedaph's back and sprinting after it. Zedaph groans, running after him with a call of his name. Scar stands in shock until his brain catches up and he's able to follow. Thankfully, Impulse doesn't get far. He holds up the leaf with a massive grin, bouncing on the spot.

"I caught it!" He declares, with such a proud look it kinda melts Scar's heart. Zedaph sighs, pushing his fringe back from his face.

"Yeah, yeah you did, buddy." He holds his hand out and Impulse takes it eagerly. "Now, we're following Scar, okay? Keep your eyes on him." Impulse turns to Scar, smiling and bouncing over to him instead. Scar follows Zedaph’s lead and is surprised by how rough Impulse's skin is when his hand slips in his.

"Scar! Scar, man." Scar keeps Impulse moving whilst he rambles. He nearly laughs when he notices how blown out his pupils are - almost entirely black, only small slits of the usual bright yellow visible. "Has anybody told you how good you are at building? Like, man, your stuff is so pretty. I wanna landscape like you. The stuff you've done this season, so genius-"

Zedaph must spot Scar's terrified look, because he giggles, "You get used to it." Impulse is still rambling whilst he talks. Scar didn't know there were this many compliments to give him. He has no idea what to say in response, not that Impulse notices. 

By the time they get back to Scar's village, he could cook something on his cheeks. Zedaph's cheeky smiles aren't helping. Impulse is holding Scar’s hand in both of his, turning out compliment after compliment like a broken dispenser. The only time he paused was because he got distracted by a butterfly over Scar's shoulder. And now. Impulse gasps, eyes going cartoonishly wide.

"Are those tiny mushrooms?" He turns that amazed stare onto Scar.

"I swear you've seen those before, Imp." Zedaph rolls his eyes, reaching over to ruffle Impulse's hair. He leans back into the touch to the point he nearly falls over. Scar keeps him up with his free hand.

"They're so little," Impulse whispers, voice filled with childish awe.

"I can show you how I made them later, how about that?" Scar offers. Impulse's entire body perks up, bouncing on his toes. Scar’s relieved he isn’t supporting his entire bodyweight anymore.

"You would? Really?"

"Yeah, of course I can! Anything for my favourite demonic friend." Impulse turns to Zedaph.

"Did you hear that? He'll show me how to make them!" Zedaph nods, his face encouraging. "We don't deserve you, Scar. You're so great." Scar nods, gently sighing as Impulse swings his hand. He gestures to the house, and Zedaph skips ahead to open the door for them.

"How long has it been, now?" Scar asks. He tugs Impulse inside, ushering him to the comfortable, if worn, sofa. Impulse sees it and flops straight onto his back, sinking into the cushions.

"Twenty minutes, maybe?" Zedaph says, resting his finger on his chin. "Maybe closer to thirty now." Scar hums. All of these houses are cosy, but he thinks this will be perfect for Impulse. Wooden floor and walls, a red sofa that's ideal for curling up on and a carpet strewn out on the floor. There's an armchair next to a cluttered coffee table, which Scar plops himself in. Zedaph shoves at Impulse until he shuffles over and gives Zed room. Then he quickly settles his head into Zed's lap.

The moment Zedaph has a hand in Impulse's hair, the demon continues purring. He stretches out, his face soft as he nudges up into Zedaph's fingers. Scar finally relaxes, sinking back into the armchair. The sunlight shines through the door, catching on floating dust in the air. Scar really needs to clean these houses out. Most of them are just storage by this point.

"Do you think it'll wear off soon?" He asks. Impulse is staring at Zedaph's face. Scar's surprised how catlike he's acting. Impulse usually seems pretty down to earth, willing to help out, if a bit anxious. Scar imagines he has to be, dealing with Zedaph and Tango, even if it’s not what he expects of a demon. The three of them cause an impressive amount of problems. Scar would think they'd be more careful with their situation. They’re not. Evidently.

"I don't know," Zed whines. Impulse tilts his head so Zedaph scratches a specific spot. "At least he's calm now. I'm not fit enough to run around after him."

"You were doing a good job of it earlier," Scar teases. Zedaph gives him a look.

"When he nearly fell into a ravine, got halfway into a cave system, jumped onto you, or chased after a leaf?"

Scar laughs, "All of the above, obviously." Zedaph smiles, leaning his head to the side so he can reach the back cushion. His ear sticks out at an angle.

They both sit and chat idly. Impulse is distracted enough with the head pats. His movements are lazy and languid, pushing his feet against the arm of the sofa. Zed's communicator beeping interrupts a conversation about Scar's latest research. The elf pats his cardigan until he finds the device, holding it up above his head to read.

"Tango found the catnip!" He declares. His finger taps the communicator haphazardly as it wobbles in his hand.

"Impulse can return to his base safely," Scar agrees with a smile. Zed hums, rubbing his other hand up and down Impulse's horns.

"Thanks for letting us hang with you." Zed's smile is so friendly, and Scar can tell he means it. As many problems as they cause, the three of them more than make up for it. Scar has shulker boxes full of gifts and resources from them. They're good friends to have and he's more than happy to help them. "Hopefully we'll figure out who decided this was a good prank."

"My diamonds are on Grian," Scar offers. Zed lets out a dramatic sigh.

"So's mine. Grian or Etho." The two are interrupted by a knock at the door. Tango pokes his head around, redstone eyes sparkling in the light of the lanterns and the sun outside. It highlights the loose wisps of hair that fall from his bandana.

"Everything been okay here?" Tango asks. Impulse's eyes open, a lazy smile emerging.

"Tangy, Tango," Impulse reaches his arms out, grabbing towards him. Zedaph puffs out a breath as Impulse rolls in his lap, a horn jabbing his stomach. Tango laughs, striding over and plucking Impulse into his arms. Impulse shuffles around, curling against Tango's chest with a content noise. Zedaph gently adjusts Impulse's horn so it's no longer stabbing Tango's vest.

"Thanks for helping out, Scar." Tango gives him a tired smile. Impulse reaches to one of Tango's pockets. He unbuttons and buttons it distractedly.

"It's not a problem!" Scar holds his hand up. "He's pretty cute like this, if I do say so myself." Zedaph giggles, pressed up against Tango's side. He tries to fix his hair but it's a lost cause, blond fringe falling in his eyes.

"At least he's taking a break, I guess," Tango agrees, looking at the demon in his arms.

"I take breaks," Impulse replies, sounding as pouty as he looks. Squinted as they are, his eyes are entirely black.

"Mmhm. 'Course you do." Tango just smiles at the sight. Zedaph tugs at Tango's arm.

"Come on, let's get him home!" He exclaims with that same bright look. Scar smiles at the trio.

"Hey, maybe next time, try some milk?" He suggests. The look on Tango and Zedaph's faces is worth it. Their surprise quickly morphs into embarrassment. Zedaph makes a breathy giggle, hiding behind his hand.

"We'll... Yeah, we're not smart enough for that, are we?" Tango admits, raising his shoulders. Scar laughs, waving at them.

"See you next time you have a problem!" He teases. Zedaph quickly jumps over to give Scar a hug.

"Thanks again!" He tells him. Scar leans back as the three leave, settling into the cushions. He sighs, smiling and closing his eyes. That was certainly a welcome distraction.

[samiii-p]

miss temptation (I don’t think you know) 1/?

aka The Maryan Roommate AU no one asked for 🙃 ao3

“You need a home address by next week or I’m writing you up.”

Fuck

Scratching an 'X' over another available apartment listing in the newspaper, Ryan grunts, blacking it out in her frustration. This one was her last true option within her price range and it was about the size of a walk-in closet with a communal bathroom to boot.

And no, just no. God no.

At least the last one had a view. It was a brick wall of the neighboring apartment but one nonetheless.

“You know for someone who needed this job, you sure don’t look the part.”

Sucking her teeth, Ryan glances up from her troubles, spots Luke in his custom three piece suit, grumbles and glances back at the paper where the only options left cost an arm and a leg to stay. Gotham wasn’t cheap by any stretch of the imagination, but selling her organs on a monthly basis just to get by didn’t seem all that appealing either.

“What do you want, Luke?”

“Can’t a guy just stop by?”

“Sure.” Ryan says, flipping the newspaper to the next page, maybe she could find something outside of town. The commute would be hell, but at least she’d have an address and her parole officer would finally get off her back. “I take it that’s not what you’re here for though.”

She hears him harrumph and nothing else. He does it a second later, again … and again.

“Okay, how can I help you?” She asks, sliding her current issues down the counter. Another 18 months in jail won’t hurt, let alone leaving the city in shambles when Batwoman disappears again .

Luke tilts his chin, hard line forming between his brows, a look Ryan has grown accustomed to over the past few weeks. Even though he’s apologized and promised to give her a chance until Kate’s return, there's still a tiny bit of friction lying beneath the surface no matter how much they both try to ignore it.

Reaching into his breast pocket he unearths a photo and slides it across the bar into Ryan’s line of vision. A picture of a black mask, outlined like a skeleton, stares up at her with cold hard eyes. In the corner a coiled snake is drawn with Luke’s handwriting underneath.

Snakebite - fear toxin/mushrooms

“Um, who or what am I looking at?”

He thumps the photo twice. “I was hoping you could tell me. You said you run in similar circles-”

“- ran.”

“As Victor Zsasz, I was hoping you could tell me a little about our friend here.”

“Sorry to tell you this but, no.” She pushes off the bar with a huff, nodding at the photo. “Whoever this person is, is new in town. At least to me.”

“Yeah, well his snakebite is hitting the streets like a plague and no one knows its source. There’s only this photo as a possible supplier but there’s no name, no facial recognition, no origin or leaks, no nothing.”

“So what do we do?”

“You suit up.”

Heat signature enabled, Ryan takes a look around the abandoned building noting two low level street hands Luke identifies as TJ Pillar: 1 to 3 strike for armed robbery and Curtis Armstrong: out on parole for possession.

“Come on, dude.”

She totally gets how uneasy it is to get back on your feet after spending a little over a year incarcerated but at least try to do better.

“What?” Luke asks through the coms, Ryan ignores him, scouting more of the building. It’s been over an hour and nothing. They wouldn’t be here if no one was coming but it’s growing closer to midnight and she has to be back at work at nine.

“Can’t I just bring them in? It’s late.”

“I mean you could, but it’ll be a waste of time. The guys on the street don’t know anything except to wait for the drop here.”

“And we couldn’t call in Gotham PD or the Crows for surveillance because..?”

“Hey, you wanted the job, this is what it entails.”

Behind the mask, Ryan’s eyes roll, mocking this is what the job entails meh meh, like she's a child grounded for the night, which, all things considered…

“Besides, it’s not like you have anything better to do.”

“Okay! Okay!” Over the coms, Ryan hears hushed voices arguing, a muffled ‘no’ then the sound of chairs being switched, Luke’s voice replaced by Mary’s, “heeey, girl. How ya’ doing?”

She smirks, attitude vanishing the moment the heiress speaks. Call it a general preference to all things sans-Luke based but she’d one hundred present rather talk to Mary until the butt crack of dawn instead of Mr. Kate would do it like this and Kate would do it like that. For starters Mary’s a lot nicer. Calmer. Funnier, I mean the girl’s one liners are top tier, bone tickling funny.

And well, she was a hell of a lot prettier too.

“Oh, you know, just pulling an all-nighter right before my day shift.”

A hiss sounds dramatically over the intercoms, the image of Mary’s twisted face pops up and Ryan can almost see the apple of her cheeks bunching and her eyes closing in that cute ass scrunchy face she makes when she’s thinking hard or embarrassed clear as day.

“Don’t worry about it, you can always come in later.”

“You enable her by making exceptions.”

“Luke!”

“What!?”

More muffled noises, a bang and yelp later Mary comes back on. “What I was getting at is that if you want to come in a little bit late, it’s totally fine or we can even change your schedule to mid-day, as your boss and fellow bat accomplice, I would totally understand.”

The corner of Ryan lips quirks up, “you don’t have to do that.”

“I do. We don’t know for sure how long you’ll be out tonight. Coming in afterwards is going to be draining-”

“It’ll be draining for all of us.” Luke yells.

“Shh!”

Unfortunately, Luke has a point. It's not fair on the team if she’s the only one taking the easy way out when they all have lives and responsibilities outside of the cave to adhere to, and a mid-day shift would never work anyway. Mid-day is Officer Steven’s favorite time of day to intrude on Ryan’s life.

“No that’s okay,” Ryan says, “Luke’s right. I have to put on my big girl panties and suck it up like everyone else, besides, I’m going to be too busy selling body parts for an overpriced cardboard box in the foreseeable future or it's a one way ticket back to Black Gate-”

“Wait, what-?”

“Oh, hold up.” An engine alerts Ryan to an incoming vehicle speeding into the warehouse disrupting their conversation. “We got action.”

Censors pick up on a lone body inside, facial recognition scanners kick on and work to identify the driver’s profile as well as the car’s make, model design, vehicle number and license plate number are all shot over to home base for further analysis. She twitches them off once complete just in time to see a window roll down and a hand throw two duffle bags out the window before speeding off.

“Did we get anything?”

A beat passes before Mary’s back on, “Not yet. Gotham PD and the Crows database has no facial identification, Luke’s expanding the search but the car is unmarked, plates false, even the tires vin numbers have been scrubbed. Whoever this person is, really doesn’t want to be found.”

From Ryan’s personal experience, news like that is never good. Someone that deep undercover either has a checkbook large enough to make themselves disappear or an iron grip so ruthless the utter mention of their name is probable cause for permanent removal. This was going to be harder than any of them expected.

“Keep me posted.”

Kicking off the beam she leaps down sticking another perfect grand entrance; hoping the acclaimed symbol printed on her chest will be enough to scare off the bad guys for once.

She is really tired after all.

Unfortunately, Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumb both reach for guns, shooting before she can warn them to stand down. And there goes her ‘early’ night. Figures.

“Ya’ll know I’m fucking bullet proof, right?”

Another bullet ricochets off the suit as she takes a step forward. Idiots. Surprisingly they keep at it until the clip clinks, empty, and Ryan comes face to face with Curtis who tries throwing a punch she easily ducks, coming back up to head butt him so hard his knees crumple. His coworker steps up and he’s a bit more of a challenge throwing blow for blow with her until she ducks up under him and comes back with a roundhouse kick to his Adams apple. He clutches his windpipe, now down on one knee she delivers the final blow to the bridge of his nose.

She picks up the bags and hightails it out of there, latching onto a high beam for an easy escape, and heads towards G.C.P.D where she drops the contraband with a note attached of where they can find the assailants tied up and ready for arrest.

“Why didn’t you tell me you’re homeless!?”

Ryan wonders if disrupting her day as a civilian was going to become normal protocol for Luke and Mary going forward and on a recurring basis.

“I wouldn’t say homeless.”

“How else would you classify living out of your van down by the docks?”

“Surviving on wheels – ow!” Ryan giggles, rubbing her shoulder and doesn’t know whether to cower or soothe the frustrating scowl rapidly spreading across her friend’s face. “How’d you find out?”

“I had Luke track you after you left last night.”

“Wow, talk about invasion of privacy.”

“And for good reason, why didn’t you say anything?”

Ryan flips an empty glass, dries it out before placing it on the rack and considers how to move the conversation forward, possibly far, far away from this topic all together. The best she comes up with is, “it’s handled.”

Handled ends up being a 200 square feet one room apartment Mary demands to see. The bedroom, kitchen and living room are all one in the same but at least she has her own bathroom. The walls are paper thin, she’s pretty certain the constant dripping sound is coming from the kitchen, one she can easily fix after a YouTube tutorial or two, and a hotter than hell furnace the landlord warns her not to touch when the temperature is anywhere over 60 F unless she enjoys suffocating.

She watches Mary take in the room, the petite brunette moving in a slow swirl on her heels, lip turned down and Ryan just knows it’s not good when they make eye contact.

“Nu-uh.”

“What do you mean nu-uh?” Confused, Ryan watches Mary storm past her and out the door. “Mary! Mary, what does that mean? Mary!?”

Mary breaks her housing contract. When Ryan tries to object she quickly learns that all 5’2 of Mary Hamilton-Kane is nothing to play against and a powerhouse forced to be reckoned with.

… It kind of gets Ryan hot under the collar watching Mary tell her landlord exactly what’s about to happen, and cutting a check like it's nothing in the process.

Assertive has always kinda been her type.

“You’ll be staying here.”

Mary says, showing Ryan around her penthouse in the upper echelon of Gotham City. The apartment is just shy the size of a department store, the lounge being big enough to take up most of the square footage, built in with four bedrooms, one now officially hers, one for guests and another used for office space and three huge bathrooms big enough to house a football team.

“Jesus,” the name slips under her breath as she takes it all in. This place is – is. It’s too much. “I can’t afford this.”

The carpet under her feet probably cost more money than she'll ever see in her lifetime.

“Well, it’s a good thing I’m not asking you to pay anything.” Ryan quickly gets shut down as Mary carries on, “until you can save enough money to get back on your feet. It’s the least I can do. Being this city’s vigilante is hard work. The last thing you need to worry about is where you’re going to lay your head at night.”

It makes sense, but still. “I’m not comfortable asking you - I won’t use you.”

“You’re not.” The med student emphasizes. Mary takes the box out of her hands and places it on a dresser. “My home is yours now, bestie. Stay as long as you want to.” And before Ryan can prepare herself, Mary’s arms are snug around her waist and her cover girl smile is beaming up at her.

This is going to be terrible.

It’s worse.

Far worse than Ryan could have ever predicted. Not only is Mary super considerate of her new roommate, but she makes her resources Ryan’s own. She’s never slept so good, ate so well or drank water so delicious for that matter. Until recently she thought water was just water but Mary’s fridge is full of this alkaline stuff straight from the mountains, and Ryan swears she can never look back.

“You want pickles?”

Ryan visibly gulps, sitting on the couch, eyes focused on anything other than Mary prancing around the kitchen in her underwear. Mary’s always been super comfortable in her skin but especially at home when she’s surrounded by her things in her place of peace and why shouldn’t she be, this is her home. Ryan wants her to go about as she normally would, actually prefers if Mary pretended Ryan wasn't there altogether. The last thing she wants is to intrude or take up space but she can only take so much. It’s been nearly a month of coming home to Mary asking how her day was, waking up to Mary smiling at her over homemade breakfast or passing out on the couch cuddled together after another failed movie night. There’s only so much she can take.

What they’re doing is borderline domestic. And Ryan’s too gay for this.

“…pickles?”

“Hmm – what?”

“I asked if you want pickles on your sandwich?”

"Uh, sure."

Handing her a plate, Mary plops down on the couch leaving no space between the two and licks the pad of her thumb, humming pleasantly at the taste.

Ryan bites the inside of her cheek. “So, what are we watching?”

Hopefully something gory, and bloody staring a cis-het white male. Anything to take Ryan’s mind off of Mary Hamilton.

Mary chooses Its Okay Not to be Okay on Netflix and by the end of episode 2 both girls are huddled together, simping hard for all the three leading actors. Mary is obsessed with Kim Soo-Hyun's entire face and Ryan’s pretty sure if Seo Ye-Ji stomped on her in six inch heels and dragged her through the mud, she’d thank her.

At least they can agree Oh Jung-se is a freaking king and is killing his role as Moon Sang Tae.

It's nearly midnight before they start to turn in, cleaning up the little mess they made, Ryan shuts off the lights and walks Mary to her room; the first door to the right.

“Night.”

It kind of feels like a date, which is absurd. She knows. But can you blame her when pillow soft lips press against her cheek and Mary breathes, “sleep tight, Ryan” in her ear. Its stupid. She’s being stupid, and seeing things that arent there. Or maybe she needs to get laid. Whatever she needs to do, Mary can’t be a part of it.

After weeks of failed interrogations the team finally manages to catch a break. A source looking to get out and start over leaks the warehouse location where a scheduled supply of ingredients are due to be shipped in at any day now. Niko of course makes Batwoman promise to protect him at all cost and that means working with the Crows.

“Where’s the shipment being dropped?” Sophie asks.

“Unimportant.”

The lieutenant cocks her head to the side, unsurprised at how this conversation is going. The Bat has never worked well with authority in this town, no matter who dons the emblem.

“The only thing I need is for you to make sure Niko is somewhere safe, undetected.”

“Is he at least willing to stand trial in the event you manage to catch this guy?”

“I think that all depends on if your team can keep him alive. Crow.”

The alley is dark, damp and the chill fogs Sophie’s breath as she sighs. “You're going to get yourself killed. I know you have something against my badge and everything it stands for, but it can do some good if you let it. Now, tell me where the shipment is and I can have my team there as back up in seconds. We can get this drug and these thugs off the street.”

That word makes Ryan's jaw tingle. Thug. Of course a Crow wouldn't understand that sometimes people do bad things to make ends meet, but it doesn't make them bad people. To a Crow they’re all the same and need to be locked away never to see the light of day again. Including her.

“Focus on our informant. If I need you for anything else I know how to find you.” And she’s gone, vanished in a cloud of fog.

“Nice job pissing off potential allies.” Ryan switches her coms off.

The warehouse is guarded heavily by six men up top, double the number at the bottom not including the others unloading trucks full of supplies. Photo analysis identifies them and sends the information to Gotham P.D. before she strikes.

“Hope you’re ready for this. If we’re lucky this can all be over tonight.”

“Don’t I know it.”

Taking it as his cue, Luke hits the lights covering the warehouse in complete darkness. Motion sensors switch on and Batwoman moves into action. The training her team insists she go through pans out as she’s able to take out four guys twice her size in fast compact moves. One guy goes over the railing after she cracks him in the nuts with the steel toe of her boot. His strangled whimper is heard all the way down, but hey, no one ever said this was going to be a fair fight.

The team at the bottom catches on and gun fire immediately follows, running across the bridge Ryan spreads her arms and flies through the air, her red and black cape bellows behind her as she sticks another perfect superhero landing. All at once it seems like twenty people are coming at her from all different angles but as always she's quick on her feet tying a handful of them up by their ankles and running through the rest with a non lethal taser, just enough to subdue until she can contain everyone before she starts asking questions.

“We ain’t telling you shit!”

Another guy spits on her shoe, the red of his blood splattering against her boot and she rolls her eyes. There’s no need to be nasty.

“Look, I’m trying to help you guys out here.” Spotting a pair of boobs in the corner, she course corrects, “and girls - theys? Whatever! I’m trying to help you all out here. This thing,” she holds up a box of snakebite, “is killing the community and while it may bring you all brief satisfaction, financially, what’s it going to do for your futures when you get caught, to your families?”

“Who knew the new edition of the Bat came with such a bleeding heart?”

“Well, she does. So if anyone here is willing to tell me anything that’ll point me in the right direction of your boss, I promise I can protect you, get you somewhere safe.”

From the little the authorities have been able to dig up about this gang, anyone willing to betray their leader either winds up dead or living their last days in a vegetative state. That’s why it’s so important to have Niko, no matter the length it takes to protect him, it was for the sake of Gotham.

“I said-!”

“I heard you the first time,” Ryan says, cutting him off, “And I don’t know what you’re used to but I’m only going to tell you how this is played once. I ask the questions and you give me the answers, if you don’t, have fun rotting in jail or better yet … I can let the little I do know out onto the streets.” She bends down right in front of the man and lifts his rabbit mask, exposing his face. In seconds she knows his name. “I’m sure your boss would love to know who’s ratting him out, huh, Robert Michael Humprey?”

The terror in his eyes says it all.

[timeflow]

fuck it, time to give info on mob spawning

been watching several videos & people playing minecraft and saw that a Lot of them have issues with spawnproofing builds and other things involving mob spawns, so here we go I guess

if you're not interested, scroll fast bc this post is longish

note that this only applies to java edition 1.16.x as some of these spawning rules are not the same in bedrock edition or even in java edition 1.15

GENERAL RULES

mobs can generally only spawn in an air block on top of an opaque block, which excludes partial blocks or transparent blocks like bottom slabs, open trapdoors, leaves (with one exception for this specific block), fences and gates, glass, carpet, etc, and most redstone components (redstone dust, buttons, pressure plates, etc.)

additionally, some mobs have requirements for the light level on a block, meaning they can only spawn if the light level in the air block they attempt to spawn in is below or above a certain value

note that given the way light levels work, "a distance of D blocks from a light source" means, for a distance from the light source on the x axis dx, a distance from the torch on the y axis dy, etc, then dx+dy+dz≤D, forming an octahedron shape of space where hostile mobs cannot spawn, the size of which changes depending on the light source

there are some exceptions to this rule, most notably every aquatic mob only needs to spawn within a water block in certain biomes and ignore the condition for having an opaque block underneath them, and some mobs ignore light levels

mobs cannot spawn within a radius of 24 blocks spherically around any player, and then they do not wander around if they are outside of 32 blocks from the player

mobs that spawn from a monster spawner can only spawn if the player is within 16 blocks of the spawner block, and will attempt to spawn 4 mobs every 10 to 40 seconds in a 3 block high 9x9 volume centered on the spawner block, only if there are less than 6 of that type of mob within a 9x9x9 volume centered on the spawner

mobs can only spawn in a space if they cannot be damaged within that space: for example, if there is a wither rose on top of a grass block, a cow would not be able to spawn there since it would immediately get hurt from the wither effect. likewise, mobs cannot spawn if there is not enough space for the mob to spawn, for example a zombie cannot spawn if there is a top trapdoor above an air block since it cannot fit there, however a creeper can spawn there since it is shorter than a zombie

mobs other than mooshrooms, phantoms, bats, wandering traders and their llamas cannot spawn in a mushroom island

OVERWORLD

hostile mobs can spawn where the light level is 7 or below, which basically means that any space within 6 blocks in any direction of a standard torch (excluding the torch itself) cannot have hostile mobs spawn in it in the overworld

the rates at which hostile mobs fail to spawn in the overworld is the light level on top of a block divided by 8, so a block with light level of 5 has a 62.5% fail rate, and a block with light level of 8 or higher has a 100% fail rate. hostile mob spawning additionally has a 50% chance of failing if the block has direct access to the sky (no blocks above it)

guardians can only spawn in the ocean monument's bounding box, which is a 58x58 area between y levels 39 to 61 inclusive, with no regard for the light level on the block, and only in a water block with a water block below it, regardless of whether or not it's flowing water. additionally, spawning fails 95% of the time if the block the guardian attempts to spawn in has no opaque blocks above it. to spawnproof against guardians, you can either remove all the water in the monument volume, and where there is water it must not be deeper than 1 block

slimes spawn in swamps at light levels below 7, following the same rules as other hostile mobs except that their spawn rates depend on the phase of the moon, with a full moon being a 100% chance of a slime spawning and a new moon being a 0% chance of a slime spawning, and they can only spawn in y levels between 51 and 69 inclusive. slimes additionally spawn in any slime chunks (except in mushroom biomes) below y level 40 with no regard for the light level and with a 90% chance of failure. spawnproofing against slimes in slime chunks can only be done by replacing all floor spaces with transparent or partial blocks

polar bears can spawn only in a frozen ocean or deep frozen ocean, on top of ice packed ice or blue ice, and only with a light level of 8 or above. spawnproofing against polar bears involves removing any ice blocks or keeping light levels below 8 (although this may cause hostile mobs to spawn)

passive mobs like cows, sheep, pigs and chicken can only spawn on the highest block at any given x,z coordinates, and only on grass blocks with a light level of 9 or higher in most biomes. ocelots can spawn on top of leaf blocks and grass blocks under the same lighting conditions in a jungle biome, mooshrooms can spawn only on mycelium in a mushroom island biome, turtles can spawn only on sand in a beach biome. to spawnproof against these mobs, the light level must be 8 or lower (although this may cause hostile mobs to spawn as well), or there have to be no grass, sand, mycelium or leaf blocks

aquatic passive mobs like fish, dolphins and squid can spawn in any water block with a water block directly above it, with no regard to the light level on the block, in an ocean or river biome. dolphins and squid additionally can only spawn between y levels 46 and 62 inclusive, and dolphins can only spawn in an ocean or deep ocean biome. spawnproofing against these mobs involves removing all the water in any river or ocean biome

bats can spawn in any air block below y level 63 where the light level is 4 or lower, unless the real date is between the 20th of october and the 7th of november, in which case the light level has to be 7 or lower. spawnproofing against bats involves lighting up caves and other underground areas so that the light level is above 4 in all areas

NETHER

nether mobs are primarily biome-specific, as no mob can spawn in all 5 nether biomes

zombified piglins and piglins can spawn in the nether wastes and the crimson forest on top of any opaque block at light levels 11 or lower. additionally, zombified piglins can spawn in nether fortresses in any biome. spawnproofing against these mobs involves having a light level above 11 at all blocks

hoglins spawn regardless of light level in the crimson forest. spawnproofing against hoglins can be done by either making all floor spaces transparent or partial blocks, or by creating pillars since hoglins need a 2x3 horizontal space to spawn in

magma cubes spawn regardless of light level in basalt deltas and nether wastes, or in nether fortresses. spawnproofing against these mobs involves replacing all floor spaces with transparent or partial blocks, or by making all areas have at most 1 air block vertically between opaque blocks.

ghasts can spawn regardless of light level in basalt deltas, nether wastes and soul sand valleys, and require a 5x5 and 4 block high volume to spawn in, and cannot spawn within a 16 block radius of another ghast. spawnproofing against ghasts involves making all areas have at most 3 air blocks vertically or 4 air blocks horizontally in one axis, or making the floor spaces transparent or partial blocks

skeletons can also spawn in the nether and have the same spawning rules as in the overworld, except that they spawn only in the soul sand valley and in nether fortresses, with 80% of nether fortress skeleton spawns being wither skeletons instead. spawnproofing against these mobs involves keeping the light level above 7 on all opaque blocks

blazes can spawn in nether fortresses only, and only in light levels of 11 or lower, except when spawning from a blaze spawner at which point it ignores the light level requirement. spawnproofing against blazes involves removing all blaze spawners and keeping light levels above 11 on all blocks, or using transparent or partial blocks on all floor spaces

endermen can spawn in the nether wastes and soul sand valleys, but most frequently in the warped forest, only in light levels of 7 or below. spawnproofing against this mob can be done by keeping the light level above 7 on all floor spaces, or by having a maximum of 2 air blocks between 2 opaque blocks (these opaque blocks can be blocks that endermen can pick up, but this may cause the area to slowly spawn endermen as they can remove the ceiling/floor)

striders are the only mob that can spawn in any nether biome, and on any lava block with an air block above it and a lava block below it, at y levels 31 and below. spawnproofing against striders involves either removing all the lava blocks below y level 32, or covering all lava blocks below y level 32 with any block (flammable blocks will work for this, but only if gamerule doFireTick is off)

END

in the end, only endermen spawn repeatedly, as the only other mobs, the ender dragon and shulkers, only spawn once. endermen follow the same rules as in the overworld and the nether

hope this can be helpful to people!

[oftripps]

“ –– wow. ”  it’s not so much a critique as it is a g-rated expletive. tripp forces a smile mid-chew and blinks. “ my tastebuds are screaming. gah–– uh, singing. singing. ”  he avoids swallowing and as ring-decorated fingers snag a napkin, wide eyes drifting to the tabletop as a small jingle breezes past tensed lips. “ ~ allergic to mushrooms ~ ”

or, alternatively: this is somethin’ new! the caspar slide pt. 2 !! & this time, it’s ‘bout to get funky !!  so i’m linc and this is tripp and he’s........ a trip, honestly, so let’s just... yeet on into this ––

( joe keery + 22 + muse 12 ) isn’t that phillip joel “tripp” goodman over there? i heard he joined faction: one after they got back to west ham. it’s funny, ‘cause they were only on the service trip because HIS BANDMATES DUPED HIM INTO THINKING THE SIGN-UP WAS FOR A WOODS-THEMED OPEN MIC GIG. hopefully they fit in there – they’re JAUNTY but also OUTRÉ. oh, i’m sure they’ll be fine.

out the door !  ( tripp goodman: a roadmap )

look up townie family in the dictionary and you’ll find a portrait of the goodmans directly beside. these folks have a looooong flippin’ legacy here in lil’ ole west ham, kansas. it all started with montgomery goodman, a good man, who helped west ham’s founders break ground on this midwestern charmer several centuries ago. and now, the goodmans still live on the same property –– a refurbished farmhouse ( now closer to mcmansion ) surrounded by five acres of roooooollin’ hills. once upon a time, they were farming folk. now, theresa and joel goodman run the town’s one and only veterinary clinic. 

honestly, growing up? tripp was a problematic kid. he’d take in frogs from the woods and start his own frog hotels. he’d sneak pets from the clinic to school who “ needed help learning their numbers ”. in class, he’d flick sunflower seeds at the backs of his peers’ heads and, when threatened with discipline, claim he simply “ wanted to see if they’d grow  ” .  so no, to answer your question–– tripp never really saw the real wrath warranted by his rulebreaking.

in fourth grade, he chose the saxophone as his required instrument. he caused such a commotion in his house, that his parents asked his teachers to suggest something quieter. the viola. the flute. the clarinet. the piano. instruments came and went,;instruments were quickly mastered and abandoned. because dear lord, how many times could they listen to the spongebob theme song played on woodwind ?!  on strings ?!  once middle school rolled around, little phillip joel knew his way around a whopping total of six instruments, a tally that would only grow in the coming years. eventually, his parents caved and allowed him to keep playing, so long as he respected instrument curfews. they gave song requests to avoid hearing the same pieces on repeat: the goodman household was probably the only one blessed with an oboe-and-beatbox rendition of under the sea. young phillip joel’s take on the issue was simple: not all heroes wore capes.

( tw: domestic unrest, mentions of violence ) theresa and joel split when tripp was 9. just seven months later, tripp’s mother moved in with her girlfriend: tripp’s guitar teacher, ms. lillith. tripp didn’t mind ms. lillith. she was chill. he came to find out she could knock back a chocolate milk almost as fast as he could, and she liked her grilled cheeses with swiss only. his best friend became a thirty-six year old woman who happened to be his mother’s girlfriend. and that was fine. he could dig it. but joel goodman? oh no. his family name was tarnished. the scandal was too much to bear. joel sued for full custody and nearly made it, thanks to hometown politics and loyalties. but then he made one fatal mistake: he crossed his own son.

at 10 years old, fifth grade phillip joel returned home to his father’s after school with three fingernails painted effervescent blue. sidney frasier made me so cool, he gushed as he put his colored nails on proud display. dad, aren’t i so cool?  the next day, his dad enrolled him in the town’s peewee football program. he returned home from his first practice with a black eye and a split lip. from a ball, the coach insisted. hit the poor fella square in the face, real strong. phillip joel put up a fight against football; it wasn’t for him. it conflicted with music practice. couldn’t he just play music with ms. lillith instead?

the custody battle persisted. they settled on a parenting schedule. joel contested, consistently, months later. and so the cycle persisted up until phillip joel’s 12th year, when he was knocked out cold on the football field. the broken ribs came from hefty tackles. bruises from the fall. concussion from the impact. but theresa spun it to her advantage: joel had since started coaching the middle school team. this was an instance of parental neglect. and, when the courts didn’t comply, she instructed her son to jump down the stairs. one broken ankle later, and joel goodman was accused of child abuse. his word against his injured son’s. the maneuver won theresa full custody. phillip joel has yet to forgive himself.

after the custody battle’s conclusion, joel stayed in town: but phillip joel didn’t want a thing to do with sharing his name. his mother still scolds him as phillip joel, but to everyone else, he became tripp –– inspired by his knack for, you guessed it!, tumbling over his own two feet.

in high school, tripp was the class clown. always smirking, always grinning, always ready to catch someone off guard. he became a pivotal part of west ham high’s jazz band, and even formed a small group with a few buds: face. they played some school events: homecoming, pep rallies, prom. garage-baked young rock, their songs often preached meetings under bleachers and high school never ending. 

in senior year, the band saw a reboot: and after assuming a more indie, spacey sound and a nifty new name –– 1757. –– they saw a rise in local celebrity. coffee shops commissioned them for jam nights. they played on the local radio. so they collectively decided to stick around and see how far they could ride this west ham fame train. with tripp as their frontman, they always leave a memorable impression: he’s not exactly the most run-of-the-mill performer.

1757.’s sound is reminiscent of LANY: i’ve reblogged a few tunes onto tripp’s blog for reference. he’s v much a paul klein / matty healy vibe. big into music. big into losing himself in it.

so what was he up to before the service trip? playin’ tunes. working part-time as a waiter. and brainstorming ways to get out of going on this trip, as soon as he realized his stupid bandmates lied about the form he signed. an open mic in the woods ! pah !  he should have known. but the concept sounded pretty flippin’ cool.

wear our shades on our nose, 'cause we're cool like that ( tripp goodman: the man, the myth, the ledge )

oh god, he’s  w e i r d .  he believes in goblins and ghosts and aliens ( oh my )!

still VERY VERY close with his mother. v broken up about not being able to get through to her, because it was about to be his parents’ wedding anniversary and they were going to anti-celebrate it with big slices of oreo cheesecake and setting things on fire.

how he feels about coming home to west ham: post apocalyptic version.

uhhhh... can he please get a waffle? specifically a cinnamon raisin waffle with extra cinnamon and a shit ton of syrup? actually. syrup with a side of waffles?

why he was banned from his personal twitter.

“ do you even lift, bruv? ”  * proceeds to pick up a teacup & lift his pinkie like a true knock-off british monarch, shitty accent included *

listens to wham! and glam rock. unironically.bluetooth speaker mounted on his bike. no helmet! like an absolute boss. he knows!! wild!! shades on. it’s 2am. it’s dark. but true swag obeys no clock.

catch him biking everywhere stranger things style, actually. his bike’s name is milo because he can roll on for miles. mess with milo and he’ll fuck u up. aka find out if you’re lactose intolerant and slip heavy cream into your meal.

has a strong vendetta against blue doritos. which might take root in some horrific experiences involving cheez wiz, cool ranch, weed, and the new york subway system at 4am on a tuesday. spring break freshman year of college. oof.

he has a lil drawwwwl. tease him about it. he’ll probably blush.

stress-hums chili’s babyback ribs without realizing. catch him singin’ that about to be murdered.

weapon of choice: kindness.

actual weapon of choice: baseball bat.

he will write little jingles to keep morale up. “ so we’re trapped / cash us inside / how bou’ dat ? ”

has a passion for introspective literary quotes. but... has somehow managed to learn each and every one wrong.

friggin’ loves superheroes even though he can’t be bothered to watch the films? he just… always used to get made fun of for liking comic books even though he never read them? “ arachnid man is uh...  heh. he’s pretty dope, huh? ” he embraces the falsehood. someone call him on it.

9/10 times if he’s in the gym, it’s just to eat his donut and watch pay-per-view movies on the bike for free.

apple pie can absolutely be breakfast if you try hard enough. jeez. get with the times, man!

he had a legitimate pet rock before going on this service trip. but has no idea where that bugger’s gone. probably got fed up with tripp serenading him with “ we will rock you ” at all hours of the night.

lawful good. will wave other drivers on forever.

got into an accident on his bike once. bitch broke his arm and he just kept on smiling.  “ no you have a nice day! and uh.... hey. mind if we like... call an ambulance? ”

low key feels like he’s the reason his parents’ marriage crumbled. low key guilty about it. low key wonders if maybe he lived up to his father’s expectations, he might have saved them a lot of grief.

give benny goodman by saint motel a listen and tell me that’s not his soul in audio form.

known for slightly hyperbolic storytelling.

pansexual as heck. falls in love. hard. it’s a mess. he can’t hide it. hence the shades.

he has brilliant hair. and it’s immortalized in his high school yearbook.

is hellbent on being a source of positivity in this terrible situation. can he interest you in a meme in these trying times? how ‘bout a granola bar? maybe a good ole game of mash?

he’s convinced this is an elaborate prank. or a social experiment. maybe aliens. but let’s not question it too much, let’s just.... have a good time? hakuna matata? no worries? lol where the twizzlers at?!

leaves a voicemail for his mother every morning and every night. maybe he cries. maybe.

he has one ear pierced because like.......... senior year of high school, he wanted to feel more cool.

allergic to mushrooms, shellfish, eggs, and harbingers of doom.

he truly boggles minds. just.... v out there? v spacey. he closes his eyes and drifts about on stage, fingers dancing on the keys, body moving in eclectic ways. he says “groovy” and fuckin’ means it. he dresses in prints inspired by grandma’s carpet. lots of half-buttoned flowy shirts, boots, tailored statement pants, dangly necklaces. he’s got his hands full of rings –– they symbolize milestones. and some are just, like... pretty. and one’s his mother’s old wedding band.

where the hell are my friends !  ( wanted connectz. )

i was gonna do a whole section on this and got lazy but like.... anything. all the things. good, bad, ugly, beautiful. hurt him. make him suffer. but also support him a bit.

i imagine he’s got a solid squad goin’. he’s in faction one too, so... hmu for those.

i feel like he’d be pretty chill with the greeks? yeah bro, he parties. he’ll chill. he’ll crack open a cold one and pretend to understand what those letters on your jacket mean! pie-apple-fate-uh? cool stuff !

ride or dies. pls.

he needs someone to like....... melt his heart. maybe someone unexpected.

thisssss got long & disorganized but yes! let’s plot! let’s do this thang! #hype!!

[orphanedshadow]

@soufflefcrged asked: What kind of things does Kara like to eat and drink in particular? Is there anything she doesn't like or that is harmful to her, food or drink wise? What's the tastiest kind of poison?

In a way Kara’s quite picky, as a lot of things are harmful to her if she ingests them. For example preservatives and artificial ingredients. The effects range from minor irritants to causing necrosis of the intestinal tissue. Luckily for her she heals decently quickly and is extremely difficult to kill, but it’s still pretty damaging and the effects can linger for a while.
What she likes best is things plucked directly from the ground and still with a coating of dirt. This includes everything from potatoes, to rotted meat with maggots, to poisonous mushrooms. She will also eat things others consider ingredients, like ergot-contaminated rye.

When it comes to cooked/mixed foods she usually likes them hot enough to kill humans. Her sensors for heat in food work, but she’s got a massive resistance. To her the Carolina Reaper is mild enough to be eaten as an entertaining snack, and she’s basically immune to the effects of chilli in her eyes.

She also likes insect-based cuisine, including things like fried locusts. In fact she prefers foods from less industrialized parts of the world as they’re much less likely to make her stomach hurt, and tend to have more flavour that is based on natural things instead of artificial ones.


The tastiest kind of poisonous (earth) mushroom in her opinion is probably the Podostroma cornu-damae. However, she is extremely fond of varieties of poison that only grow in Hell, or in the Fae realms. Basically if it’s a plant that is poisonous she thinks it’s extremely tasty, the more lethal the better. Picking one as her favourite is hard though, as in some ways it is like comparing desserts to pastas. Both delicious, but in different ways.

Kara loves fish, especially raw. A part of her gets a thrill out of it, and feels quite victorious. The creatures thought they could escape her by living in the water, they were wrong. Poisonous fish are even better, and she will eat them raw and unprepared. 
And now for some even grosser things, and meat related info.

In some ways Kara is a pseudo-vegetarian. She avoids meats in many places as they are often contaminated with various compounds to keep the animals healthy. Hormones, antibiotics, that sort of thing. But at the same time she loves meat…just not the kind found at the store.

First of all, yes, she will eat human flesh. Also the flesh of pretty much anything she hunts, as she does not waste any part of her kill. If she offers you jerky don’t take it, long-pig is literally your best option…and your worst fall into the realm of “eldritch horror that will take over your body if you consume its meat”
If need be she will eat the meat of animals, but that’s usually more of an “it was there and dead, and I could not make a construct with it” or “I found it dead and I did make a construct with it but only needed the bones, so the rest is to be used for nutrition”

Her favourite “normal” earth animal meat is the cute and cuddly Koala. Unlike pretty much every other living creature she doesn’t care that the flesh is tainted with toxic eucalyptus, to her it’s basically just marinaded in deliciousness.
Also those brightly coloured frogs? Well, if she finds them dead then they’re gonna be eaten.

As for the question no one asked: What about the mushrooms that grow in shit? Does she at least wash them off? 
For you my sweet summer child I just have to say, what do you think she is? No, she will take bat guano covered mushrooms off a cave wall and shove them in her mouth. Sometimes she wipes them off with her hand, but that’s her getting fancy.

[itsdndbitches]

Campaign 2 Episode 3 Part 2 (Plus Side Quest!) Highlights

Because we’ve parted ways for the end of the school year, this campaign leg is going to be Discord based! There were only 3 players (Dick, Alberich, and Zarafay), so I thought it was best to run a side quest off of the main campaign! I also got Tome of Foes yesterday, so I made use of some new creatures!! 

By the end of the dungeon, we just all agreed to call Cyanwrath “Angry Blue”.

Dick Mcgee rolls a nat20 on stealth right of the bat and just fades into the wall.

Upon going to attack the berserkers, Dick just yells “Hi Angry Blue!!” as they slash one across the chest. 

Dick becomes paralyzed with fear as combat begins against Angry Blue (in reality their wifi crashed right as I asked them to roll initiative). 

“I would very much like to do what I did before, which is lightning your face.” 

Angry Blue upon getting slashed across the chest: “I don’t know whether to be surprised or pleased. It’s a combination of both, I suppose.” Alberich: “Kinky.”

Dick: *apologizing profusely during combat* 

Angry Blue: “You bitch.” Dick: *gasps* Alberich: “nO yoU” 

Dick: *loots Angry Blue’s body while talking to her former guards* 

Dick rolls a nat20 on survival makes a beautifully woven paisley bag for three eggs out of the rugs he stole in less than thirty seconds (It looks like this)

The party just wanted to rest in a cave, but instead some tricksters transported them to the Feywild.

Dick, putting his hands on his hips and using his park ranger voice: “OKAY KIDS! It looks like we’ve been transported to the Feywilds! We’re gonna have a great time today! But don’t eat those mushrooms, cause they’re poisonous!” 

As Alberich was trying to fall asleep, Dick would just roll over and randomly yell “DID YOU KNOW THAT THE FEYWILD--” 

DM, trying to describe the size of bugs: “bite sized”

Dick and Alberich startled the fireflies, so they were flying away but they tried to get them to stay by yelling: “DO YOU WANT ME TO READ YOU THESE POEMS?!” and “HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT APOLLO?!” respectively. 

Alberich and Dick meet Dominic “Yogi” Bear in the woods of the Feywild. 

Dominic pats Alberich on the head and he takes bludgeoning damage because of the massive size difference between a brown bear and a dwarf. 

Dick is awestruck and can’t say anything during this entire encounter with Dominic. 

By the end of the encounter, Dick just voice crack yells "hI Im dICK mcGEE ITS nICE TO MEET YOU!" at Dominic. 

Dominic gives the slightest indication that he might leave, and Dick just bursts into tears. 

Dick accidentally grapples Dominic in a hug when he tries to leave. 

Zarafay just fucking appears from the shadows in the middle of this entire thing. 

Dick, despite never being there before, guides the party around the town in his park ranger voice.

The party runs into Quilynn who’s running a shop for some reason (the DM’s PC when they’re not DMing) 

“What brings you guys to the Feywild?” “Faeries?” 

DM, repeatedly: “Craftsmanshit”  

DM: “You reach into the bag, and out jumps an elk.” Player: “Alberich is just a little bit surprised.” 

Fantasy Barnes and Noble = Bards and Nobles 

Dick, unable to contain himself: “HI DO YOU HAVE ANY POETRY?” 

Zarafay rolls a nat1 on investigation, and while trying to look for a comic book, finds smut instead, and buys it. 

Dick reads a poem and goes to purchase the book from the shopkeeper with tears streaming down his face. 

DM: “Is there anything you guys want to do before getting in the bed?” Zarafay: “Can we go to the club instead?”

While trying to figure out where the club is, Alberich, the cleric, just licks his finger, sticks it in the air, and goes “It’s this way,” 

Alberich upon entering the club: "I'm a pastor so I don't need women, I just need me, myself, Apollo, and a dance floor.” 

Zarafay picks up a tiefling in the corner reading a book. 

Alberich gets into a dance battle with an earth elemental. 

DM: “Dance battle, roll initiative.” 

Alberich, the holy cleric, casts Spiritual Weapon to create a pole, pole dances, casts light as he jumps off and sticks the landing. The earth elemental is stunned, and just claps. 

Zarafay makes it a point to flirt with the ENTIRE BAND. 

Dick is trying to make friends at the bar, but instead he rolls a nat20 charisma check and ends up flirting with the ENTIRE CLUB, attracting a huge group of people with him in the center just talking about nature. 

The party finds a map can get them to a tree that can supposedly take them back to the material plane, but they all roll shit on survival and nature, so they just wander aimlessly until they find the most interesting looking tree. 

The tree isn’t active, and no one knows why, so they all just decide to sleep. 

Alberich relives some past nightmare as he tries to sleep, and awakens to just barely catch an Oblex (new creature from Tome of Foes)  hiding behind the tree. 

Upon slaying the Oblex, the tree portal opens, the party runs through, and they all take bludgeoning damage because the portal opened above a field. 

Dick McGee Highlights and Jokes

“Wanna try on something for size? Try Dick!”

Dick apologizes to Angry Blue upon stabbing her through the chest, murdering her. 

“Dick pulls out his long sharp....spear.” 

“Dick’s loaded” 

“Dick has a lot of sacks.” 

Dick goes to the blacksmith

“Dick wants to improve his sword.” 

Upon meeting Vulc, the Giff Blacksmith: “OH MY GOD YOU ARE ADORABLE.” 

“Dick’s attuned to his sword.” 

[a-d-n-d-journal]

Game Session #8

Characters:

Bakunawa, dragonborn paladin; copper scales, chainmail, a shortsword and shield

Zastu, dragonborn rogue; white scales almost completely covered in a hooded cape and mask, leather armor, short bow and shortsword + dagger

Rysiel, half-elf druid; simple clothing and leather armor, scimitar

Teir, tiefling warlock; vibrant gold skin and black hair w/silver highlights, horns, hooves, expensive-looking clothes and leather armor, carries a dagger as his only (physical) weapon

NPCs...

Sydiri Haunlar, human (Chondathan) fighter; brunette, chain shirt, dagger, shortbow, wooden club

Alara Winterspell, human (Rashemi) fighter; deceptively light and warm head wrap, chain shirt, dagger, shortsword

Kaelen Zam, human (Illuskan) fighter; bald, small handlebar mustouche, chain shirt, dagger, greataxe

Bats! Teir and Guard Kaelen manage to leave the swarm, taking minimal damage based on how far they had to move. Bakunawa also leaves the swarm, but takes a swing at the bats flapping around him, causing a few to fall to the ground dead. There are still several hundred bats. Zastu uses her prepared action to breathe acid at the swarm, causing a swath of them to fall to the ground and create a little gap that lasts for half a second. Rysiel casts a really impressive Moonbeam, causing a wide cylinder of silvery light to appear within the swarm, dealing damage on the bats' turn for about a minute. But on the bats' turn, they settle down and return to their roost. Rysiel dismisses his cool moon spell.

DM note: this is a difficult situation for me as a DM--I know that technically the party can completely kill all the bats in the swarm, but it will deplete their resources by quite a bit. While they won't get damaged much, they need these spells for a later fight, which you'll see... The point of this encounter was to fill out the atmosphere of the cave and give a sense of what the villagers have been through--the event was scripted to end when I rolled a 6 on the bats' turn, which happened in round 2... But I can't tell them any of that, so they make the best choices they can based on what they know: there's a swarm of bats attacking them and the villagers they came to rescue.

Rysiel reaches the bad rooster and manages to calm him so he doesn't crow again. Bakunawa talks to the defacto leader of the Nightstone villagers--a dwarf named Morak Ur'gray, the owner of the inn. He explains about leading the villagers to the caves, and their capture by the goblins. The party stops briefly to pick up some weapons, handing shortswords to the injured and disarmed guards they found with the villagers and a shortbow to Baku (with arrows from Zastu). Then they take a Short Rest outside the cave to heal some HP (B:10, R:9, T:5, Z:4) and regain some spells (B:0, R:2, T:2). The priest of Lathandar (Hiral) performs a very fervent prayer over the party--but no one is sure what it does. Hiral isn't a spell-casting cleric. Teir uses a ritual to cast Alarm over the area while Rysiel distributes muffins and cheese to the party members, then smokes a pipe (+inspiration).

The party prepares to fight the mystierous ooze monster that Snigbat told them about by getting into a marching order: Front: Rysiel Middle: Bakunawa, Kaelen Back: Zastu, Teir Rear: Sydiri A lantern still swings from Kaelen's belt, and Zastu manages to rig her bullseye lantern to shine (mostly) ahead of her. After a short winding tunnel, the party arrives in a small cave full of stalagmites. In the middle of the cave is a particularly large stalagmite full of holes. Three swords lie at the base of the stalagmite--two very rusty and pitted, one shiny and nice. Two tunnels branch off the cave on opposite ends. Rysiel casts Produce Flame and tosses it down one each of the tunnels. Nothing happens, but he sees that the tunnels are winding. He picks up a rock and throws it down a tunnel. Again, nothing happens. The druid investigates the cave (roll:3), but just ends up cutting himself on the shiny sword. Teir attempts his own intimidation investigation of the cave (roll:5), but the sword seems to be the only interesting thing to him. His knowledge of history (roll:24) tells him that this unusual sword with strange (giant) runes was one of many used to kill many goblinoids. Bakunawa claims it happily. The party (correctly) deduces that one of the tunnels leads out of the cave complex to an exit they had scouted earlier, so they go the other way.

Rysiel reaches the end of the other tunnel at the head of the party. A nice waterfall splashes into a deep (5ft) pool here, and there are several slightly glowing green mushrooms. Zastu hears a sound behind her, and reacts just in time to see an enourmous black blob oozing toward them!

DM note: I was so, so sad that the characters didn't roll high enough to discover the Black Pudding inside the hollow stalagmite, and NONE of them suggested looking into the holes... SO, they had their squishiest characters placed closest to the monster when it attacked...

Round 0 Zastu breathes out her acid breath in shock, but the acid doesn't affect the oozing blackness. She pushes past Teir and Bakunawa in an effort to get away from the gross thing. With Teir being the closest target now, the Black Pudding stretches out a massive Pseudopod and hits the warlock square-on (critial hit: 10 bludgeoning + 20 acid; Teir had nearly full HP with 17, leaving him at -13), knocking him out and covering him with acid that destroys his armor (-2AC due to a crit). He would have died outright*, but a faint glow covers his body and Hiral's blessing is used up, leaving Teir in a stable condition at 0hp**. Teir tries to use Hellish Rebuke, but he doesn't realize that he's already unconscious, and the ability fails. Bakunawa tries to impose disadvantage with his Protection ability, but he's too far away. Round 1 Bakunawa declares a Vow of Enmity on the Black Pudding for fatally wounding Teir, granting him Advantage on attack rolls. He then swings his new +1 Longsword at the ooze. The ooze quivers and is cut in two, some of its blobby goodness being lost in the process.*** Zastu hides in a dark corner to watch. Rysiel steps up and conjures a flame blade, lighting up the tunnel and dealing a large amount of fire damage to one of the new smaller blobs. He forgets to step back behind Bakunawa though, and both blobs attack him. The first misses, but the second gets its pseudopod on Rysiel, just barely knocking him out as well (5 bludgeoning + 22 acid; -1AC; he had 27 hp) Kaelen steps in, swinging his new Greataxe and cutting the injured ooze in half again. Round 2 Bakunawa breathes out a huge gout of fire, filling the upper parts of the tunnel (missing Rysiel and Teir, who lie on the ground), scorching the Black Pudding on the walls and destroying the two smallest ones.**** Zastu comes out of hiding to shoot an arrow at the remaining ooze, dealing full damage.***** Rysiel and Teir** make death-saving throws. The Black pudding attacks Bakunawa, but misses. Kaelen darts forward and cuts the ooze in half again (dammit Kaelen!), but deals damage. Round 3 Bakunawa swings at one of the ever-splitting, ever-shrinking oozes. He hits, but it doesn't split in half! Zastu aims her bow at that one and shoots. The ooze dissipates and is gone! She shrinks back into the shadows. Rysiel and Teir** make death-saving throws again, and Rysiel gets a crit-fail. Uh oh. The remaining small Black Pudding attacks Bakunawa again, but misses. Kaelen hits the ooze with a critical strike, but oozes are immune to crits... The ooze doesn't split. Round 4 Bakunawa attacks with his sword. The ooze still doesn't split... Zastu fires her bow, but misses. Rysiel and Teir** make death-saving throws. The Black Pudding attacks Bakunawa and gets a critical hit! Bakunawa falls to the ground, unconscious and covered in acid that eats at his armor. (7 bludgeoning + 34 acid; -2AC from the crit leaves his chainmail with 14AC) Kaelen strikes one final time with his greataxe, sundering the remaining ooze. But people are dying!

DM notes: *I made a couple mistakes: First, Hiral's blessing should have left the character at 1hp, not prevented a death; Second: 5e differs from 3.5e in that death doesn't occur at -10hp, it happens at negative max hp, so -18hp for Teir; **Even though I would forget this almost immediately... ***Technically it was immune to Slashing damage, but I thought it was a bit much for it to split AND not take damage, so I dealt half-damage instead ****Pro-tip: If your enemy can split, they probably have half the HP, so area attacks that hit multiple targets are twice as effective!!! *****Black Pudding aren't immune nor resistant to Piercing

Zastu and guard Kaelen stabilize their dying teammates. Sighing, Zastu robs all of them out of spite, coming away with almost 40 gold. She gives 5 to Kaelen to keep quiet, then they fetch the village guards to help carry them out of the cave. The villagers and everyone set up a temporary camp within the treeline, just barely able to see across the meadow out to the walls of Nightstone. Zastu takes a walk in the forest to clear her head and try to find a way to get a message to her gang. She's looking for bandits who might be camping out, but instead a group of Elf scouts finds her. The elves question her as to why she's in their part of the forest. She explains the situation, and they guide her back to the temporary camp, after extracting a promise from her that there will be no hunting. She takes the opportunity to ask about the cloud giants... They answer that there was one very very large cloud castle that came by three days ago, responsible for dropping the boulders on the village. They point the direction it left in (East-north-east). There was also a second, much smaller cloud tower that was seen recently over the forest--this one had a comical pointy-wizard's hat for a roof/spire. When asked if this was normal, the elves reply that it happens fairly often relative to an elf's lifespan--maybe once a decade, but seeing two within a few days is unusual.

By the time Zastu returns to the camp, Rysiel is awake. The druid uses a spell slot to cast Cure Wounds on Bakunawa, waking him. The paladin then wakes Teir with a use of Lay on Hands. Morak explains further to the elves, who allow them to stay where they are if they wish. The dwarven innkeeper agrees with the party members to keep the villagers outside the village, despite days of capture within the caves. However, he insists on sending a few guards to check out these bandits they mentioned and get more info for himself. Zastu still wants to get a message out to her gang in Waterdeep, and sees an opportunity with the bandits inside the village, so she volunteers to go ahead of the guards.

At the gates to Nightstone, Zastu calls up (alone) to the two lookouts that Xolkin has posted in the towers. The fetch the bandit leader and lower the drawbridge for him. When Xolkin comes out, he has a very civil conversation with Zastu, again extending the invitation for her to join the Zhentarim. He compliments her tenacity and ability to stay alive, and agrees to get her message to Waterdeep (for a hefty 5g) even as she declines (again) to join him. He warns her that he intends to keep the village as a Zhentarim outpost, but the villagers are welcome back into their homes (just not her party members who attacked him). He wants a partnership with them, and since the noble controlling the village is dead... Zastu writes a message in code, and gives it to Xolkin to get to her contact (Gervis) in Waterdeep. In brief, it describes how she was able to swindle this noble and paladin to steal some money, and how great an asset she is to the gang. She also asks if they want her continue to siphon money off, or return to Waterdeep with it now?

Zastu goes to the guards standing back from the village and explains the situation, then the return to the camp. Morak takes in all the info and talks further with the party... Sounds like it's possible to return to the village, so the adventurers ask if Morak can maybe distract the bandits so they can get into the fort to spend the night. Morak agrees.

After packing up the camp, Morak, the adventurers, and the villagers walk down to the lowered drawbridge. Xolkin meets them there, but Kella and some of the other bandits are posts in the towers with their crossbows out. The bandit leader and Morak have a conversation with some brief comments from the adventurers. Xolkin points out how respectful they've been to the dead in the town, and how they haven't stolen anything, and even started carting out the bodies of the goblins and orcs--a battle which they could totally have run from, but didn't. He also points out that the adventurers attacked first during their fight*. But Morak is still skeptical, and as Bakunawa points out, the Zhentarim are well-known for trafficking in slaves and black-market items like poison. (*--technically a lie since one of his people let off a crossbow by accident while Teir set off non-damaging spells) In the end, they agree to take the conversation to the inn, and let the villagers in. Zastu sneaks in with them leading Bobble the horse, while Rysiel Wildshapes into a house cat to come as well. The Rillix the tressym flies along nearby, but Jest the Rooster has gone missing again. Once inside, Rysiel and Zastu go to the broken bridge between village and fort, and lower some ropes to help the others up. They spend the night in the fort. (Long Rest and level 4!)

Spells cast:

Bakunawa:

Paladin abilities: Vow of Enmity (Channel Divinity) Lay on Hands

Slots: 1st 3/3 Regained: 0

Rysiel:

Cantrips: Produce Flame x2,

Spells: Moonbeam (2nd), Flame Blade (2nd), Cure Wounds (1st)

Slots: 1st 3/4 +1 used; 2nd 1/2 +2 used Regained: 2 levels (1 2nd-level slot)

Teir:

Rituals: Alarm

Slots: 2/2 Regained: All slots on Short Rest

Killcount:

...It's hazy, but Baknawa, Zastu, and Kaelen all destroyed part of the Black Pudding

Treasure looted:

3 Shortswords for the village guards

+1 Longsword of ?? (Bakunawa)

Zastu looted 39g 18s from her party members! (Giving 5g to Kalen, and 5g to Xolkin)

Other Important Notes:

Teir's leather armor was destroyed (10ac)

Rysiel's leather armor is half-destroyed (11ac)

Bakunawa's chaimnail is partially destroyed (14ac)

All three have major scarring from acid burns, but Rysiel has noticably less

[thelastdiadoch]

RELIGIOUS SOCIETIES AMONG THE HAUDENOSAUNEE (IROQUOIS)

This excerpt is from my post: ‘THE IROQUOIS CONFEDERACY: THE RED ROMANS AND THE RED COATS’.

For yet another Haudenosaunee (Iroquois) religious society, see an excerpt about: ‘THE FALSE FACE SOCIETY’. (the standing masked figure pictured above is an example)

BUSHY HEADS/HUSK FACE SOCIETY

The ‘Bushy-Heads’ are a religious society within the Haudenosaunee (Iroquois Confederacy: Mohawk, Seneca, Oneida, Onondaga and the Cayuga) which represented a group of spirits that focused on hunting and agriculture. The latter is represented by the fact that these masks were made of braided or woven corn husk. This is what granted them one of their other names, the ‘Husk Faces’. They were also seen as messengers of the agricultural ‘Three Sister Spirits’; corn, squash and beans. Their ceremonies involved water; they would sprinkle water on their patients in order to heal, cleanse and nourish them, again relating to agriculture. (example of this member is shown above, the crouching masked figure)

‘IDOS MEDICINE SOCIETY’

The ‘Idos Medicine Society’ was similar to the ‘Midewiwin Medicine Society’ of the Algonquin speaking Natives west of the Iroquois that I mentioned in another post [LINK]. This group however was not a single group but incorporated several different groups, an example being the ‘Company of Mystic Animals’. The origins of this society stems from a tale of the ‘Good Hunter’ that was killed by another person and was then revived by the animals of the forest.

^ Osprey – ‘Men-at-Arms’ series, issue 395 – Tribes of the Iroquois Confederacy by Michael G. Johnson and Jonathan Smith (Illustrator).

The ‘Company of Mystic Animals’ had a variety of different mask variants, many of which were in the form of animals, they performed rituals to maintain the balance between man, nature and animals by performing specific dances meant to keep them happy. During their rituals they would carry and toss red-hot stones and use corn-husk dolls to mimic dancing. Wearing masks without eye-holes, they were able to dance around the Longhouse and pick up objects previously hidden by members. During ceremonies if someone (usually new members) would laugh and mock the dancer as they doubted their abilities. The dancer, while virtually blindfolded, would cut the strings of the skirt of the offender’s doll. Being that the masks lacked eye-holes they wouldn’t notice this till later as the other members begin laughing because the offender’s skirt or pants were also mysteriously cut, leaving them exposed.

‘SOCIETY OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE’

The members of these masked societies were lured there either by dreams that they believed showed them their destiny or by way of a seer that saw it in them. Not all of these groups wore masks though, one of these was a group known as the ‘Society of the Little People’. Being that the members were known to sing and dance in dimly lit areas and at night, they were also referred to as ‘Dark Dancers’.

^ Land of the Iroquois by John Buxton.

The Jogäoh or ‘Little People’ were small nature spirits that are usually invisible to us, only revealing themselves to us when they wish to – usually to children, the elderly and medicine men. Those that treated their homelands with respect and left them offerings of tobacco would aid farmers with their crops and protect man from dangerous and often unseen monsters or spirits. There are various types of these powerful spirits, each defending those who cared for them or their environment while harming those that endangered their ecosystem, either directly or indirectly (by not protecting you from monsters and spirits).

The Gandayah were spirits that protected vegetation from pests and sickness, and are especially associated with strawberries. There was a spring festival known as the Strawberry Ceremony (Middle of May) in which these spirits were thanked for providing them with strawberries, there would be dancing and music which these spirits would join in, thought unseen, they were heard. They were also known as messengers since they would take on the form of certain living creatures and visit man bringing warnings; robins were a sign of good fortune, owls warned the opposite while bats represented a life-and-death struggle.

The Gehonga dwelled in and around caves, rivers, streams and rocks; they were known for their strength and competitive nature, loving contests and sports. The third type were the Ohdowas who dwelled underground and are similar to the European myths of fairy rings or elf circles as they would arise at night and dance around leaving rings where vegetation would no longer grow (Elves in Germanic mythology, though some tales speak of them leaving a ring of flowers) or leaving a ring of mushrooms (fairies in Celtic mythology). Another similar feature is that if someone watches them dance or spends time with them, time passes either very rapidly (hours into years) or very slowly (days where time never passes). The underworld they dwelled in was believed to have been a forest inhabited with wildlife.

If there are any errors please privately inbox me so I can update it. As always, if you’d like to read or learn about any specific historical subjects just let me know what they are and I will take note of them.

SEE ALSO:

THE COUNCIL OF THREE FIRES AND THE PONTIAC-GUYASUTA UPRISING – This post covers some of the history, culture and religion of the Native American inhabitants of the Great Lakes region of North America, focusing on the Pontiac-Guyasuta Uprising and the Council of Three Fires (the Ottawa, Ojibwe and the Potawatomi); the peace-pipe, the Delaware prophets, Rogers’ Rangers, the sport that inspired lacrosse, and some Native battle tactics.

THE IROQUOIS CONFEDERACY: THE “SAVAGE” EMPIRE – The origins of the Iroquois Confederacy, the early wars they were involved in, the effects that disease epidemics incurred upon them, the Iroquoian cultural use of torture, scalping, and cannibalism, the tomahawk and its symbolism (bury the hatchet), as well as the taking of captives during mourning wars and adopting them in order to replace lost tribal members.

THE IROQUOIS CONFEDERACY: THE RED ROMANS AND THE RED COATS – This post covers the religious beliefs of the Iroquois Confederacy, their origin story, their belief in duality (like yin and yang), their secretive and mysterious masked societies, and their involvement in the conflicts between their two great colonial neighbors (New France and the New England) like the famed French and Indian War. I’ll also speak of their involvement in the American Revolutionary War as well as the famed Joseph Brant, a Freemason Mohawk leader who swayed most of the Iroquois Confederates into siding with the British. It is believed that without the aid of the Iroquois Confederacy, North America would now be speaking French instead of English and that France would’ve held a massive portion of the eastern half of North America, leaving a massive battlefield for the French and Spanish to battle over.