everglow-synth-archive

[soap-ify]

.

[whats-gotten-into-us]

you know what fuck it. im gonna use this as a weird diary of sorts. it's not gonna be updated every day but ill at least try and post some of my thoughts whenever i can. the loosest term of a vent blog i guess.

today was a bit uh. terrible. people wouldnt stop coming in and i could not catch a break, attending customer after customer with nearly no signs of stopping. at least there was enough time for me to go to the bathroom but even then it wasnt much. we also had the new guy take the front today as a sort of training and god. this is such a terrible start for him, considering that he was incredibly slow and needed guidance half the time AND just having a huge line of people? i feel so sorry for the poor guy. i snapped at him a couple of times throughout the day too and i feel bad abt it now.

i DO not feel bad for my manager though. she brought this upon herself for not hiring more people, since one of our guys quit for a better job, and two others went on a vacation for two weeks. a vacation that they have told the manager MONTHS BEFORE and reminded her of it every other week to drill in her head that they will be going away very soon. she didnt listen though. now were left with 5 people taking care of the store, not including the new guy and the manager since they both do barely anything. ugh.

my sister came to work just before i was done with my shift and told me to chill out, to not let my stress and anger reflect on my voice since my manager was already pissed at me for talking with bad manners at her. on one hand yeah sure i can see that, on the other. that's called internalising. and boy have i internalised things for so long. she also told me to go eat a pretzel at the mall and calm down. i wish i did eat that pretzel. im so hungry. i only ate a breakfast sandwich from starbucks (that i almost immediately shat out) and some nachos w avocado salsa. thats healthy right.

anyway. when i got out of work i wanted to cry so fucking badly. to the point where i was like. dissociating i think? i didnt really have any thoughts in my head and could barely tear my eyes away from the street while waiting for the bus. at one point i really 3anted to block all of my friends from discord and leave every single server and group and just. disappear from the earth. just for a little bit. i did leave one groupchat that my s/o and their friends were in but i quickly came back after an hour or two.

I was briefly brought down to earth by a nice old man in a wheelchair, also waiting for the bus. he came up to me and asked if i was okay bc i looked sad, and i just laughed it off and said that i was fine, that my face usually just looks sad, which is kind of true. he asked if i needed help, and i assured him that i didnt, that i was fine, but i know some place in me was saying that i really would have loved the help. he then continued to have a bit of small talk with me, asking how old i was, pointing at the graffiti on the floor and asking if i did that, to which i respond no, i would never do something like that, that vandalising wasnt my thing (though i have thought about it sometimes). he told me that he was 69 years old (nice), and compared both our ages, a 50 year gap between us. i joked that he looked pretty young for his age. he then told me "a 50 year gap between us. our lives are vastly different from each other because of our age. how much different is your life? how do you perceive life at the age you are now?" I'm paraphrasing of course. i didnt really have an answer for that, so instead i tried to pull something out of my ass, saying that i havent really thought about my life that much, that i only live in the moment and dont dwell in the past or the future, which is a blatant lie. i wanted to keep talking to him more, but my bus was right around the corner and i had to say goodbye to him. he was really nice. he made me think about my own life and how im managing through it. i think i miss him.

anyways i got home, took like a 30 minute nap and now im feeling a bit better.

im gonna go eat something now

[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

[snowlilys-wife]

Get To Know Me (Tagged)

1. What is your full name? Sorry, I’m just “Hannah” to yall

2. What is your nickname? Any classic “Hannah-(insert rhyme here)” joke you can possible think of

3. What is your zodiac sign?  Leo

4. What is your favourite book series? Im not into a lot of books, but manga-wise, my favorite is Fruits Basket and Servamp

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? Nope

6. Who is your favourite author? Dunno????

7. What is your favourite radio station? I don’t listen to the radio

8. What is your favourite flavour of anything? Usually anything chocolate or strawberry will be good

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful? “Awesome!” or “Nice!”

10. What is your current favourite song? Currently: “All Eyes on Me” by OR3O

11. What is your favourite word? ??? I dont think I have one

12. What was the last song you listened to? All Eyes on Me^^^^ XDDD

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? Fullmetal Alchemist, Servamp, Ouran High School Host Club, Durarara!!, among many others

14. What is your favourite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? Servamp or Ouran

15. Do you play video games? Ahhhh sometimes

16. What is your biggest fear? Being alone or unhappy the rest of my life

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion? Uhhhhhh???

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? My attachment and dependence on other people

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? Cats

20. What is your favourite season? Winter/Spring

21. Are you in a relationship? No

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? Having no responsibilities and being carefree about a lot of things

23. Who is your best friend? Asia, Honour, Emily, Briana

24. What is your eye colour? Brown

25. What is your hair colour? Naturally dirty blonde/light brown, but dyed Auburn Red

26. Who is someone you love? All my friends mentioned above

27. Who is someone you trust? All my friends mentioned above

28. Who is someone you think about often? All my friends mentioned above

29. Are you currently excited about/for something? Anime Expo and my 21st bday

30. What is your biggest obsession? When am I not obsessed with anime

31. What was your favourite TV show as a child? Depends on how young. As a kid, i watched a lot of Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network (so think early 2000s cartoons) and Sonic X and Xialolin Showdown too!

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? My friend Nick

33. Are you superstitious? Not really

34. Do you have any unusual phobias? I’m afraid of a lot of things lol

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? I enjoy being in front of the camera if I look good

36. What is your favourite hobby? Drawing, singing to myself, and video editing

37. What was the last book you read? Don’t remember

38. What was the last movie you watched? Don’t remember

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any? Used to play piano. Not much now

40. What is your favourite animal? Cheetahs and Sloths

41. What are your top 5 favourite Tumblr blogs that you follow? All my friends mentioned above (crazyanime3, karmakitty, sleepyem1, and mermaibee)

42. What superpower do you wish you had? Invisibility or Flying

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? In my room late at night

44. What makes you smile? My friends, anime, good music, good art, my ocs, my OTPs

45. What sports do you play, if any? I used to play softball in high school

46. What is your favourite drink? Peppermint White Mocha, Caramel Macchiato, and Dr. Pepper

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? Been years tbh

48. Are you afraid of heights? Im afraid of falling, but not of heights by themselves

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? Drivers who dont use their signals, when people say im a good “draw-er” (its not a word, people)

50. Have you ever been to a concert? Yeah a few

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian? NOPE

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? A fashion designer

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? Durarara, Soul Eater, or Ouran I guess

54. What is something you worry about? A lot of things

55. Are you scared of the dark? Not really

56. Do you like to sing? Yes but im terrible at it

57. Have you ever skipped school? Only in college

58. What is your favourite place on the planet? I enjoy coffee shops and ramen shops

59. Where would you like to live? In Washington or Oregon

60. Do you have any pets? My family does, but none of them are mine. We have 3 dogs

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? I prefer to be a night owl, but I can easily fuction in the morning, I just need to get enough sleep

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? Sunsets

63. Do you know how to drive? Yup

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? I like both. Headphones at home, earbuds in public

65. Have you ever had braces? No

66. What is your favoruite genre of music? Rock and Alternative

67. Who is your hero? Dunno

68. Do you read comic books? Yes

69. What makes you the most angry? Jerks and people who think they are better than/more entitled than others

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? Both depends on what it is, but typically real books.

71. What is your favourite subject in school? Art and Drama/Theater

72. Do you have any siblings? Yes

73. What was the last thing you bought? $250 worth of Servamp merch

74. How tall are you? 5′7-8″

75. Can you cook? Some things, but not really well

76. What are three things that you love? Friends, anime, affection/attention

77. What are three things that you hate? jerks, public speaking, gross food

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? Female

79. What is your sexual orientation? At this point, pretty bi I guess.

80. Where do you currently live? California

81. Who was the last person you texted? My friend Clover

82. When was the last time you cried?  A week ago

83. Who is your favourite YouTuber? Game Grumps, The Anime Man, Kubz Scouts, YandereDev (if that counts)

84. Do you like to take selfies? Yes, but only with filters

85. What is your favourite app? Spotify/Tumblr

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? Mostly okay when there is no conflict

87. What is your favourite foreign accent? British

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? Japan

89. What is your favourite number? 12

90. Can you juggle? No

91. Are you religious? I’m Christian

92. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? Both are terrifying and I dont like to think about them

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? Nope

94. Are you allergic to anything? No

95. Can you curl your tongue? Yes

96. Can you wiggle your ears? No

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? If I believe I am justified, then no, but I will almost always admit when I’m wrong

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? Beach

99. What is your favourite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? "Keep going”

100. Are you a good liar? Depends

101. What is your Hogwarts House? I've never seen or read Harry Potter but I guess Hufflepuff?

102. Do you talk to yourself? Yeah, a lot

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Depends on who Im around

104. Do you keep a journal/diary? Not really but sometimes i write out my vents if i need to

105. Do you believe in second chances? I give chance after chance after chance after chance

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? Turn it in

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? Yes if they are willing to

108. Are you ticklish? Yes, very

109. Have you ever been on a plane? Many times

110. Do you have any piercings? Just my ears.

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? Snow Lily and Sakuya from Servamp or Mikorin from GSNK

112. Do you have any tattoos? No

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? Joining SL Discord

114. Do you believe in karma? Not really, no

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? Both

116. Do you want children? Yes, lots!

117. Who is the smartest person you know? I know a lot of smart people

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? Cringey weeaboo middle school me

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? A few times

120. What colour are most of you clothes? Black and red

121. Do you like adventures? Depends

122. Have you ever been on TV? No

123. How old are you? 20

124. What is your favourite quote? Cant think of one

125. Do you prefer sweet or savoury foods? Definitely sweet

-collapses- That took way longer than I expected. Ive got a few more on the way too. Thanks for reading!

I tag: @kavourikarma , @sleepyem1 , @mermaibee , @chubbychicken1412

[oracles]

All of the emojis for the sweet and pure asks

DSJFHFDJKHKFJFFF honestly you’re probably like the only person who cares about what i say on here … thank u .. my savior 💖

(obviously imma put this under a cut .. if it doesn’t work on mobile, i apologize in advance aadhjfdkff since when things are under a cut i tend to write long ass rambling answers)

🐰- do you believe in soul mates?

as an utterly hopeless romantic, i certainly want to. i think because of like … insecurities, self hate and stuff (not to get too deep), it’s a comforting idea to me to like Know that there’s someone out there who doesn’t see me the way i do … but realistically? no. i think you gotta realize that relationships are hard and something you have to work to keep healthy and happy and not as magically problem-solving as soulmate tropes make it out to be. so short answer: realistically no, ideally yes. 

💌- diary or journal?

the one i write in is honestly a mix of both, but i think it’s more of a diary. it’s cathartic to write things out when you don’t wanna talk to someone else about it (or in addition to venting to another person) and for the journal aspect of it, i really like looking back on things i did back in the day. i’ve had a diary/journal hybrid since like 2008-ish? so i love that !

✨- which fictional character (book, show, or movie) do you relate to most?

ooh good question …. there’s a lot! i think i see bits of myself in a lot of characters so there isn’t any One (1) person i relate to the most. shaw from person of interest keeps coming to mind but maybe i’ve just absorbed parts of her, rather than actually being like her so who knows . jessica jones is another one, in some aspects. i think just from those two you can tell the Type of character i not only gravitate towards, but relate to too

💕- are you crushing on someone?

irl? no, i’m not. i have plenty of celebrity crushes though so i can’t even begin to start listing those. honestly most of the celebs i talk about / reblog on here are most likely a crush . to paraphrase an iconic pisces, yeah i’m a love whore and what about it ??? dfjkdhkjff

💋- kissing in the dark or kissing in the rain?

both !!!!! but kissing in the dark may be more ideal so i can hide how flustered i probably would be

🐝- describe your aesthetic in emojis

💌💣🌙🥀🖤  less of an aesthetic and more so just emojis i like, i feel like

🍼- what is your favorite memory?

oof … this is a really hard question. honestly, i don’t know. there’s a lot of memorable things. i feel like it’s mainly just the lil things – moments that i look back on that don’t seem like much but are really warm and comforting to reminiscence about (sorry, this isn’t really an answer)

🌸- what is your favorite flower?

a more recent fav but i’ve been really interested in diphylleia grayi / skeleton flowers lately. part of me doesn’t even know if they’re like real, but i’ve written a lot about them lately (and ofc listened to the jonghyun song about it) so i’ve had a sort of attachment to them lately. aside from that, i don’t really have a favorite? i think they’re all pretty

💖- have you ever been in love?

a lot dkjfhkjff probably more of a crush / infatuation than anything else in actuality, i suppose, though. platonically in love, however? absolutely

🍰- strawberry or vanilla?

vanilla, hands down

🍯- describe your favorite smell

ironically, vanilla is a big favorite smell of mine. i think i have a pretty sensitive sense of smell so there’s a lot of different things. i also like tea / coffee smells? idk, just stuff like that. which is part of why i enjoy baking, i think

🎂- if you had 3 wishes, what would they be?

1) for more wishes … bc im a gremlin

beyond that, i never know what to say for these questions beyond things i obviously want like world peace, ending world hunger, etc etc. like for personal things maybe … like being happy with myself? bc i think my self-image issues hinder me a LOT.

🍪- cookie dough or cookies?

both!!!! i eat the left over cookie dough when i bake but the final product is always really good too. (cookies, if i had to pick one though)

☕- coffee or tea?

tea !!!! don’t really feel like the coffee type of person (aside from enjoying the smell of it)

🍃- would you rather live in a sea with mermaids or a forest with fairies?

a forest with fairies, that sounds absolutely lovely

🍂- what’s your middle name?

it’s my dad’s first name

💫- what is your sun, moon, and rising sign?

gemini sun, pisces moon and leo rising

🌧️- favorite thing to do on rainy days?

stay inside in bed with chai. basically just having a lazy day – reading, watching something, etc etc

🍭- how tall are you?

5′7″, though a part of me likes to hypothesize that if my posture wasn’t absolute SHIT my actual height would be 5′8″ (wishful thinking probably, but my posture is bad though)

💒- which show would you want to live in?

the good place was the first one to come to mind but idk about that … they go through a lot of shit and i for sure would just be in the bad place, without a chance of redemption. to appeal my Babey side ……… can i say winnie the pooh or smth (also, im just blanking out on any decent tv show where the universe isn’t one where i will probably instantly DIE in bc of how inept i am)

🎄- what is your favorite holiday?

i often say christmas for this one actually. not because we really celebrate it or anything, i just like the atmosphere around this time of year usually. mostly bc of childhood memories and how fun it was for me then

🍦- what scented candle is your favorite?

i don’t use any, but probably something vanilla-y so im sure there’s holiday candles that fit my taste

🎶- favorite song right now?

not necessarily a favorite (bc i have a LOT), but im listening to pirate king by ateez right now (thanks winnie)

💘- 3 ways to win your heart?

idk !!!!!!! have a good/similar sense of humor to me, listen to what i have to say (and like ….. don’t make me feel like shit or annoying for bringing up my interests or showing you things i think you’ll like), and uhhhhhh maybe like do cute lil romantic things for me ??? im a sucker for that. esp when people remember lil details about me based off what i’ve just casually said, idk .. it’s bare minimum time i guess. i just can’t fathom anyone Wanting to win my heart in the first place so it’s really easy bc im touch and romance starved

🍩- current mood?

okay ? just kinda here – not really happy but not sad either. neutral. procrastinating

❄️- what is your favorite season?

spring because of my birthday and the weather is decent, i guess. though i’ll also nominate winter

💍- your current relationship status?

what you think? .. DJKHFKF SINGLE of course . when have i ever been anything else

📷- a photo of yourself

absolutely not. though i have posted some before (you can click my name in my description to see this ugly minion mug of mine)

💅🏻- do you like being spoiled?

it’s weird because as a concept, yes i absolutely do but in reality, i will feel guilty and bad if anyone spends money on me at all because i don’t think i’m worth that so in practice, i guess i have to abandon my sugar baby dreams

🕊️- 3 habits you have?

1) keysmashing ? dhfkjffjkf like it’s genuinely so instinctual to me that i have to stop and make myself stop before i type it to locals i know or in emails to my teachers. in a similar realm, is my lowercase aesthetic . if only i could type my essays like this

2) saying and typing ‘like’ a lot. i guess i really AM the valley girl that envi says i sound like ………. tis a sad day. i never really noticed how much i do it till i reread old messages

3) not sitting properly. at school i do it obviously, but at home i most often sit cross legged on chairs or with one leg up or something. gay culture, babey ! the amount of times i’ve been told off for sitting “improperly” or “like a man” .. amazing

and bonus 4) being a dumbass. i just felt the urge to say that. don’t expect me to think or say anything intelligent ever. especially if we’re talking irl because my brain will exit immediately and i won’t be able to put a single coherent sentence together. i sound better online than offline, trust me.

🦄- how do you perceive yourself?

i don’t wanna turn this into oversharing emo o’clock but i’ll summarize it in one word … BAD. gremlin and scum are also fitting words. perhaps i have made points sometimes but that’s just after i go to rent-a-brain-cell ‘ r us . otherwise? complete fool . a clown, if you will . don’t get me started on my looks

🦋- how do you think others perceive you?

this is what i REALLY want to know. i have an irrationally strong desire to just know what people think of me. it’s what gives me a self-identity and a better sense of who i am bc idk !!!!!! is my quietness making me look mean ??? who knows ! just how ugly am i actually ???? someone tell me

🌈- things I find attractive in girls/guys

there’s a lot of things and i’m also feeling lazy to list things. but pretty smiles have always been a huge weakness of mine. and perhaps i have an arm kink ….. like not super muscley arms (i.e: body builder types) but kinda toned/defined ones? NUT . (not a necessity ofc, just a bonus)

🍓- one secret about yourself

well it’s not a secret online, but my sexuality i guess? offline, aside from kendra, no one else knows. beyond that, i wish i had something scandalous i could reveal but im genuinely a boring person

🍒- how do you act when you have a crush?

inside im a mess. usually i just like looking at them and going into my Daydream World (patent pending) to fulfill my romantic desires there. outwardly, i don’t do like anything. idk how obvious i am honestly. i don’t interact with them at all, aside from sneaking glances, bc i am scum !!! and also i lack any confidence whatsoever 

💔- the reason behind your last breakup?

never had one, so this is non-applicable :/

💬- what your last text message says?

to summarize, it was just me in the gc talking about a song i listened to a lot that i saw in my spotify top 100 list thing and about how i recently realized the singer/rapper was malaysian

🎥- what show are you currently binging on?

currently, im not really marathoning anything exactly ? i guess the closest would be blackish, but i haven’t watched that in a hot minute. i’m trying to catch up on it though. 

⛅- what is your morning routine?

usually it’s just get up, brush teeth / wash face, and then change into my clothes for the day and then have breakfast 

💗- who do you miss?

who i used to be ……. :( IM KIDDING . ummm idk, no one really? i guess i miss the people i don’t talk to as much anymore, though it’s really my own fault most of the time since im a horrible communicator 

🥀- last time you cried?

oof i don’t really remember …… like i get emo a lot but i don’t exactly full on cry a lot? one semi-recent time i remember crying was when envi sent us this one song in the gc and it was just really pure and romantic and i got in my feelings about it. funny how my crying works ……. i don’t cry a lot but it can be brought on by the weirdest, most random things

🎁- when is your birthday?

may 29th !!!!!

🔪- scariest/creepiest experience?

not really either (since im not scared of ghosts, though i do kinda believe in them. like i don’t NOT believe in them, but im also not gonna fight someone who doesn’t, y’know?) but long story short – i got smacked in the back of the head (like it felt like a hard slap) once and no one was there/did it. must’ve been the ghost in our apartment. i joke a lot about there being one in our place but i wouldn’t be surprised if there was, with the random stuff that happens sometimes (mostly things just falling). again im no huge believer in ghosts, it’s just whatever to me but getting hit in the back of the head like that was definitely WEIRD. bc it honestly felt like how my little brother hits me but it wasn’t him so …….. hm.

💤- date someone younger, older, or same age as you?

same age or older (not by a lot), probably. being with someone younger makes me feel weird (weirdly, usually with men. like i’ll be more comfortable dating a girl a year younger than me than a guy for example.. for maturity reasons i GUESS). but it depends. if i like someone within a reasonable age range, then i like them. 

🎀- any question you want

you didn’t ask one so n/a (and neither did i in the ask i sent you so rip)

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

hi im sorry to bug you but i need advice. and also tw for possible emotional abuse!!!!

i have a friend who is very mentally ill. i am also very mentally ill. he is a trans gay boy and i am a cis girl who is pansexual.

this friend went through a period of about 3 months where he cut me out of his life and ignored me for seemingly no reason, leaving me friendless and confused and abandoned. i would try to talk to him but he would ignore me or be extremely snippy, giving me short answers and refusing to even acknowledge me. i tried so hard to talk to him at first but he ignored me in favor of new friends and new people and i was so sad and so jealous. i talked to him about it about a week ago and he apologized and said he’s sorry and that he’s “a horrible friend” and that he “was just doing it so he wouldn’t lash out at me”, which i get but even after that conversation, he still ignores me and makes me feel awful.

he also lies to me and makes me feel anxious all the time. for example, i have a crush on this boy from my work and I’ll talk about him sometimes. but whenever I would talk about him, he would go on social media and post like “lol time for another breakdown”. and i confronted him about it and asked like “hey, does it bother you that i talk about this boy?” And he was like “why would it bother me?” And I was like “i don’t know, just please tell me if it does.”. And he just goes “that would be irrational”. So I asked further and he just said “it doesn’t bother me. But if it did, it would be unfair of me to tell you that.” and i was like “no, that’s not how relationships work. you need to tell me these things.” And he went into a breakdown and said “I don’t ever do enough for anyone it’s never enough. I need to make relationships balanced. Nothing I ever do is enough”. and like!!! it really wouldn’t bother me if he didn’t want me to talk about the boy I like! it just bothers me that I’m being lied to.

i think he doesn’t want me to talk about the boy because he’s very paranoid that nobody will want to b in a relationship with him.

he also gets mad when I ask if he’s okay. I’ll be like “hey how are you” and he’ll reply “fine.” And I know that’s a sign that he’s not okay So I say “are you sure?”. and he goes. “Yeah. If I say I’m fine, I’m fine”.

and like I’ll talk to him as much as I can and I would go out of my way to make sure he’s good and comfortable and happy and I would buy him so much stuff and stay up for nights and nights in a row to help him when he breaks down but then he’ll post stuff like “nobody ever try’s to help me. I’m all alone and nobody listens to me. They just overshadow me.” And it just hurts I guess.

he makes posts on his finsta about how he doesn’t want to be people’s therapists and how everyone just uses him and he spends all his time helping other people. and it makes me feel shitty about going to him for help. But then i feel bad and i feel guilty for feeling bad!! and he’ll also make posts that say, “i need to shut up and help everyone else. I need to help other people with their problems. I need to not feel guilty.” And that makes me feel like he’s only nice to me because he feels GUILTY!!! which I hate so much. but then I’m stuck because i try to help him but he shuts me down!!

and also whenever I talk to him about my problems, he’ll make a finsta post abt how “lol I’m breaking down again” and “I’m a bad friend”. he blames himself for his friends because depressed and it makes me feel like I can’t talk to him about my own issues.

im scared to see him at school because i hate feeling like he’s going to get upset with me or have a breakdown or something. or he’s going to ignore me and make me feel disgusting. once i flinched around him and he got really upset and was like “god, I’m awful. I don’t want to scare you I’m such a bad friend”.

he’s been emotionally abused in the past so I don’t want to believe he’s emotionally abusing me. Also he is very kind to me sometimes and he does tell me that I can always talk to him if I need something, but I just feel scared of pushing him into a breakdown.

I’m sorry this is so long. I just feel so alone. i feel so sick and i get anxious like I can’t breathe around him. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel constantly guilt tripped and hurt and scared

ahhhh this sounds like such a negative and unhealthy friendship ): this post and this website talk about emotional abuse and ways to identify it, it could be helpful to read.

whether it’s emotional abuse or not though, it’s still a really toxic friendship? like there’s so many aspects that are red flags and warning signs that this isn’t a person to have in your life. I mean I think one of more unhealthy behaviours is documenting every. single. thought. and. feeling that he has online, knowing that you’re going to see it? like that’s not cool!! \: I’m all for using diaries and journals and online spaces to vent and to get things off your chest, I mean I use my own tumblr blog for that all the time haha. but it just comes off as very passive-aggressive when he writes down all his negative feelings that concern (or are connected to) you, knowing that you’re going to see it and read it. like if you have a problem with someone then just talk to them?? or if you don’t want to talk to them and still want to get it off your chest, then find some place to write it all down where that person isn’t going to read it. 

it’s terrible that he has mental health troubles and is plainly in a dark place, mentally? but his mental health problems are only an explanation of his actions, not a justification or an excuse. you need to look after yourself too! ): and if you find yourself feeling spending more of the time upset and negative, rather than happy? then it’s probably a sign that it’s best for the friendship to send. 

from all that you’ve said, it sounds like you’ve trying to do everything right by him? it’s unfortunate that the depression he’s experiencing isn’t letting him see that, it sounds like he’s got a lot to work through with someone trained in mental health. 

where to go from here? I’d encourage him to seek help from a qualified therapist if it’s all possible, but in the mean time I’d distance yourself from him. given his anxiety and depression, I think it would be best to talk to him and tell him that you need some space? let him know that you need to deal with your own mental health issues, and that his way of behaving around you at times makes you feel sad and guilty. that way? 1) you’re directly giving him a reason, rather than leaving him feeling confused and with questions, 2) you’re gently stating that while you have issues to work through, his way of acting towards you wasn’t fair or healthy, like he needs to know and acknowledge that. 

I’m not entirely sure whether this is emotional abuse, because he sounds like he tries to be nice or wants to help you out when he can? it sounds like he’s got good intentions but just doesn’t know how to follow through on that, it doesn’t sound like he’s deliberately trying to be manipulative, controlling or setting out with an intention to be hurtful. however!!!! this is still a really unhealthy friendship and it’s clear that it’s affecting you a lot, so I do feel it’s best to give yourself some space from him, spend time with others and make your own mental health a priority. take care friend, safe safe <33

- tash

[tiffstasiaarchivejr-blog]

a year without two | alyssa nova 

a total plagiarism but it's gross o'clock in the morning and i woke up from a dream that I don't recall so don't bother asking and i'm still bitter so here have corresponding diary entries to go with the excerpts from the worst year of andrew nova’s life: a saga

fall

I thought he couldn't sink any lower but then the sun is coming up and his frown is going further down. Annie was a lying ass bitch, the sun ain't coming out tomorrow. Or the next day. Or any day until Bianca's home. 

I remember what he was like when he lost her--Adriana. When he lost Adriana. We hadn't been extremely close at that point but we'd been close enough to where I could see that the needle in his compass had been snapped off and buried with the love of his life. He was devastated and for awhile, I wasn't even sure if Bianca would be enough to save him from his grief, his anger. He still has little reminders of her around, I don't know if he knows I know but I've seen the painting she never got to finish in storage. She definitely had talent. And she definitely knew where her life was supposed to be going judging by the signature on a corner in the back. Adriana Nova. Sometimes I wonder if there's days where he might love the memory of her more than he loves the reality of me but, that's probably just Aly de Luca talking, right? Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked. I've got to get dinner on the table. 

Scarlett can't sit still for the life of her. It took me two hours to get her hair into the Leia buns. TWO HOURS. if I'd known she would be so bouncy in every aspect of her life I would have never signed her up for those gymnastic classes. She was headed to yet another Star Wars marathon at Mason's and said she loved whenever her big sister would wear her hair like that, did I have time to do hers? It's funny, isn't it? Scarlett asking someone if they have time for something. I didn't actually but I made the time. When it's her doing the asking, you find yourself creating all the time in the world for that beautiful soul. I cried once she was gone on her way. I remember the first time I had to fix Bianca's Leia buns when she was a kid, Drew couldn't do it to save his life, bless his heart. 

He was young but I was younger. He was a father at sixteen years old, stumbling his way through it all like a blind man in a maze. He had no clue how to be a father and I only knew how to be a friend but just like him, I learned too. I learned how to swaddle Bianca just the way she liked to stop her fussing. I learned the best place to test a bottles temperature and I learned all about the horrors of changing a diaper when Drew just couldn't shoulder every waking moment on his own anymore. I spent some nights there, looking back I'm shocked my parents let me but I guess they trusted Drew or at least remembered what being younger parents was like? Or maybe they knew there was no stopping me. I fell asleep in school a few times, cried in my car before leaving where he was living at the time because I was just so damn tired but also so inexplicably sad for him. He couldn't do it on his own yet he had no choice. I was just a kid landing a hand, being there when he needed to vent out the anger that was lashing in everyone's direction, when he needed to yell, when he needed to be silent. When he needed to cry and the very almost non-existent rare times when I could pull a smile or a laugh from the broken boy. I was just a kid, shouldering grief far beyond my years in order to help him cope with his. I was falling in love with a guy who loved a ghost. Some days I wanted to remember my age, remember the youth I could be celebrating and dropping away from him, protecting myself from the hurt that was surely going to come from crushing on someone so broken. Someone who would vow that he was ever going to love again, that it was just going to be him and Bianca. But I didn't. Because I was going to be the person who reminded him that it didn't need to be that way as long as he had friends, had help. When he lost Adriana, he lost whatever sliver of innocence he had left but maybe when I gave him mine, he was able to reclaim enough of his own to battle back. I'd do it again, even if it didn't lead to us one day becoming more than we were those nights Bianca wouldn't sleep. I'd do it because the world couldn't bare to lose a man like he would become when he learned how to be a father.

Rhys was out, Scarlett was out, it was just us here tonight. It was supposed to be a date night but once Good Will Hunting played, his attention seemed elsewhere for the rest of the night. Now, I'm in bed and his study door is closed. I'm living with a man haunted by a ghost again. 

He's never going to stop beating himself up. 

winter

It's Christmas and all I want to do is cry. I miss my daughter.

I wish he would just go talk to her. Tell her that he knows what she's going through. That he's felt the same bitter bite of betrayal that she has. I wish she would talk to him. Hear him out. I wish I could go back and know what was going on. Know she was falling in love and know Andrew had that kid marked for death. Retribution never seemed so ugly before. 

 Mason and Wyatt's heads are actually officially empty. It's confirmed. 

Some days I'm so angry at him I want to scream. Some days I'm so upset with her for leaving and staying gone this long I want to give up hope. Can anyone blame me? But he's still my husband, love of my life. And she's still my daughter.

Part of me wants to remind him how old she is, where we were each at her age. But that's not going to do me any favors or him any good. Sure, I also want her home with us again, I miss having her around. She's one of my best friends. And sure, this storm has me worried about her and Marisol but...god, is a little baby it's cold outside loving really so out of the question???????

He talked about Seb today. About how he's become just like him and how he hopes it's not going to stay so bad between them forever like it was with him and his father. His anger with Seb would probably have been marked on his headstone had Seb not taken care of his own arrangements years and years prior. I hope so too. I hope they can work this out. I want my family back. I want his good days to stick around longer. 

 spring

I'm such a fucking idiot. My entire body aches. Who tries to tackle the tending of an entire garden all in one go? This dumbass. God, I never had to pee so bad before and I ended up failing as a mother and a wife when Rhys ordered takeout because I hadn't come in and it didn't look like I ever would. But I bet I'm going to have a boss garden this year so, they'll live the one day I didn't supermom it.

 I have no idea what came over him or where his mind had been today but good god that was some great sex. 

 What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?.....

Happy Birthday. I hope someone remembered your favorite cake. 

summer 

It's like Drew knows something. Nothing is off per-say but it seems like something is heavy on his mind, a burden he's not letting me share and it’s not everything going on with Bianca. He’s been okay lately, everything’s been smooth but now, I don’t know. I know there's stuff he sometimes doesn't want to talk about and he tries to shield me from aspects of his job but I just hate seeing his shoulders and mind heavy.

Rhys made a face today that made him look exactly like Ted. It gets hard sometimes without Bee around because it's harder to remember how despite their birth parents, im her mother and Ted Roman has nothing to do with Andrew and my son. No Roman ever will, not while I'm alive.

I wanted to call Bianca a few times today, see if she wants to at least meet up somewhere. Maybe do lunch, get out together and just catch up. I see her at times but..it almost feels wrong, seeing her without Drew. It’s not fair to him and I hate feeling like I’m doing something horrid behind his back when all I’m doing is seeing my daughter. I can’t take much more of this. Something needs to give. I didn’t call. I just texted her a few funny photos of Scarlett. I know she loves having ammo again her little big sister.

Rhys is pulling away. I think it’s just his age, he doesn’t want to live under mom and dad anymore but I also feel like it might have something to do with his charade of a relationship with Liv. I think it’s starting to become more real than fake to him, when did that start? How did I miss the twinkling in his eye as he’s realizing he’s crushing on someone important? And Scarlett, she’s been seeing Elijah and I didn’t even know. We used to joke about boys together, me and my two girls. Cries of mom stop when I’d talk about their father, giggles in one of their bedrooms late into the night as we talked like girlfriends do. Me and my two best friends. God, I’ve been so focused on Andrew lately that my kids have reached that final stage in life where Mom is just...well, their mother. I think they don’t need me anymore, I checked out on them a little too much to be their friend. I wish Bianca was here. She would drag all of us out to mini-golf, make us watch some lame movies from their childhoods when we got back in. Fight with Scarlett over the last slice of pizza and nearly get a concussion in the process. I need my girl. My first girl, my baby girl who raised me as much as I helped Drew figure out how to raise her until Mason took over and I drifted out for a bit. I just need my daughter back. My happy little family. Back to the days where it was just Scarlett that was hard to find around the house. Please, someone give me back my family.

When you’re bitter over your youngest child’s incredible success because the anniversary of it just reminds you that your family has been shattered for nearly a year now. I’m sorry Scar. I wish I could have been more enthused as you roped us into rewatching the games. I just...I can’t face another year without Bianca around the house, getting into everything and ragging on her siblings. I just can’t. And I don’t think Drew can either. It’ll kill him.

Andrew and Rhys are going to London and he’s barred me from this trip. We haven’t been on a vacation in what feels like forever but I’m not going to push it. He’s so on edge lately, stressed out. I’ll let him go work and then maybe I can coax him into a holiday together. Just the two of us. I’ll promise to bring that swimsuit of mine he likes the best. And just give him that knowing wink when he says he doesn’t have a favorite swimsuit of mine. Just me and him. Like when we’d sneak kisses in the kitchen while Bianca and Rhys slept and Mason was banished over to Gia’s. At least throughout all this, even on the bad days, my husband still had a little love somewhere for me. Even when I’d turn my back on him in anger, he’d still lay there in bed next to me, an arm ready to hold me in close when I finally forgave him and rolled towards him. He’s going to London and maybe it’s better I don’t go there, I’ve always been hesitant in the past about it anyways. I’ll be waiting for him when he gets home. Because I’m Alyssa Nova, Andrew Nova’s wife. Mother to three kids, no matter how many live under the roof right now, I’ll always be that. 

Bianca’s coming over while he’s gone. I think I need to finally do something about this all. I know what has to be done. I know what I need to do. I have to risk Andrew being upset with me but I just...this needs to end.