#i really hope someday folks can just say ''i didn't like it'' and leave it at that

[caffeinated-bibliophile]

Ew

[holywolfrebelpeanut]

I WANTED MORE CHARACTER X SONG LYRICS IN THE KEEPER FANDOM OUTSIDE OF KEEFE AND TAYLOR SWIFT SONGS

Okay so I was thinking of doing this post where I (shockingly) compared kotlc characters to ajr songs, and I decided Im gonna make a whole series. So this is part one, analyzing and giving kotlc characters lines from one song at a time. I won't repeat lyrics like choruses.

Ajr-Kotlc character analysis.

Song: Touchy Feely Fool

Well Im not too superstitious, but I knock on wood a lot. Praying I'll wake up tomorrow, get the guts to tell you off.

This naturally feels like Keefe, hoping he could finally tell his dad off for being a shit dad, but never actually being brave enough.

However this also feels like Sophie! Wanting to tell off the Black Swan or just take her anger on them, considering she's often not thrilled with them.

But I know I'll never get there, you could screm you wish me dead, but I'll crawl back to you tomorrow. Why the hell can't I get mad?

All I have to say is Dex!!!! He's been treated pretty poorly by the whole group pretty often, but he never leaves Sophie's side and is always there for everyone. He's a real one.

Someday won't this be funny? Well I want it funny now, and I wanna laugh so loud.

Keefe. No explanation needed.

Someday won't this be long ago? I wanna feel that now.

VACKER SIBLINGS!!!! They're sick of being compared to the rest of their family, including Alvar and all of his scandals. You can't tell me Biana doesn't want this shit OVERRR WITHHH

Sorry if I can't see how I'm screwed, hey what can you do? I'm a touchy feely fool. I would give anything to not give a shit about you.

Marella honestly. She wanted sooo bad to be apart of the group and they ditched her! She brought so much to the story, really. She acts like what they did didn't hurt her, but you can definitely see that it did.

Life is pretty cruel, for a touchy feely fool. I would give anything to not give a shit, but I do.

Dex. 100%. He cares SO MUCH about what everyone thought of him. He never wanted his siblings making fun of him. He tried so hard to impress everyone with his ability so that they wouldn't look over him. Dex is a complex character you can't change my mind. He's got many layers.

Well I'm not too claustrophobic, but I lose my breath sometimes. Now I can't even talk to you, now your lawyers talk to mine.

Wylie in the first few books and later on. Whether it be not wanting to talk to Sophie, or his capture and torture by the Neverseen. I feel like he could've been so much more interesting than he ended up being.

Could you teach me to be ruthless, could I be unfeeling too? Maybe someday when I'm older, I'll be better off like you.

Okay okay this ones my favorite. I have so much on this line right here. In Nightfall, Vespera tells Sophie she could've easily killed someone and saved her parents or whatever all at once if she wasn't so protective of her friends, or so 'fragile'. In Flashback, she starts wondering if Vespera was right. She wants to start using her power and get shit done!!!!!! I think she definitely saw the pros to Vespera wanting elves to be able to have the capacity for violence, but only to battle the Neverseen, not for Vesperas reasons. This line has so much juicy goods.

I'm better off a stick, I'm better off a stone, I'm better off a jerk, I'm better off alone.

Fitz. Fitz, dont even talk to me. I just know after what happened in Exile that he HATES the fact he can't control his anger. I just know he has so much anger and resentment. I think he hates himself a lot for what he's done, and wishes he could just forget it all. He. Ugh. I love him.

I'm better not feeling stress or feeling bliss I won't feel much at least I wont be feeling this!

Keefe! Obviously. His empath powers really string this whole line together nicely.

thats it folks consider reblogging please I worked so hard on this

[a-quiet-borderline-diary]

I haven't made an entry in a while. I have a second partner now, and we are in love. We started dating about 4 months ago but it feels like we have been together for a long time.

He is so affectionate and helpful. He gets along well with my husband (primary/nesting partner) quite well. We even play dnd in a group together and that is more fun than I thought it would be! It is my first campaign ever.

My bf is in college still, but he is set to graduate within a year or so. My husband and I are staying in this area for about 2 more years. I already have hopes and dreams about moving somewhere (possibly new), and bringing my partner with us. I wish my husband found another partner like that as well. He does have a current partner, but he told me that when he talked to her about the future it didn't sound like she wanted the same things as we do. They are still together and enjoying their time for now, but I wish she was on board with planning to live together someday.

I know for most couples 4 months or so isn't long enough to decide if you want to move to another state with someone though so maybe in time she will change her mind. If not, I'm sure there are plenty more fish in the sea (especially moving to a more urban area, we are currently in a rural area with few polyamorous or queer folks).

My husband and I have a dream that one day we will own a decent sized house that can accommodate 2 additional partners. We will live life all 4 of us together, helping eachother.

My husband and I already decided that only he and I will have shared bank accounts (we have always chosen to share finances completely since marriage), but it would be a more comfortable life with 2 more household incomes with no kids. (sorry to say, but he and I refuse to date anyone who has children).

I think we both just really yearn for a communal life, even if we wouldn't want to do anything like go off grid. We really like the idea of having our own chosen family.

As a bisexual, it isn't what I had in mind to end up with another male presenting partner, but I simply fell in love with him. I think a lot of what attracts me to my other partner is that even though he identifies as male, he is very feminine. He is smaller than me, and when I hold him it feels similar to holding a woman. I really like that tbh, he has a very androgynous appearance and way of carrying himself.

My husband identifies as nonbinary, more so than I do (although I consider myself probably gender fluid if I had to describe it.) He presents pretty masculinely, but he has feminine qualities in his personality and takes on some more "feminine" gender roles in the house (like cooking, which I do not do.)

My husband's current partner is really cool, I like her a lot. In my opinion, they have more space between them than I do with my bf but it doesn't seem to bother either of them. Maybe this is because they know it may not last beyond the 2 years we are living in this area. It would be so nice if she grew to consider moving with us when we leave, but even if she decides not to stay with my husband it is nice to spend time with her as a "polycule" now.

Since my husband's partner does not seem to cling to him as much as my bf does to me, it feels like I need to work on spending more time with him. Over the next couple of years I definitely need to work on my dynamics juggling my time with both of my partners. Sometimes I still think it would be nice to have a gf as well, but I honestly don't think I could easily juggle my time for a true relationship with another added person. Maybe when I feel I have the dynamics of the 2 I have now down pat, it would be possible... But I would be satisfied to just have a platonic relationship with my husband's partner. I just feel overall I'm lacking in close relationships with women and I would at least like a close female friend again.

I am friends with my husband's current gf, and I enjoy spending time with her but she has always operated as sort of a lone wolf even in her romantic relationship with him. That makes it hard to get close to her tbh, but I know she has reasons why she is the way she is. It's not anything personal.

All in all, I have just found myself daydreaming about the future a lot. I really have faith that my partner is serious about joining our life in a couple of years and it feels nice, but still we have quite a bit of waiting and time here before we enter the next step of our lives.

I have a positive outlook and I'm really happy to have 2 wonderful and loving partners. I can't wait to see what our futures have in store

[xlollisbedlamx]

ode to having a friend

by lolli g

Tonight is not going to be me ranting and raving about b.f…tonight I will talk about the wonderful friends that I am so lucky to have. Just as I am feeling at my worst, like I want to die…like I want to quit, I have two wonderful friends unknowingly show me there is more to life than b.f.

I knew that all along but I guess I needed to be shown…shown that I can be funny and entertaining without him by my side. I had gotten to the point where I thought I was useless…that because he didn't want me no one would. Ok i lied, it's a little about b.f. But the main point is there is more to life…how did i miss that. Don't get me wrong, I'm still shattered but less so…much less so. I guess I'll find out tomorrow…maybe this happiness will have disappeared but I am grateful to have had it for at least one night.

I don't have many friends because so many have hurt me in the past but unexpectedly I have two friends that actually give a shit. Yup…they like me for me. Imagine that. A girl can't really ask for more…i feel like i should insert the pearl jam lyrics “just breathe” so i will…

Yes, I understand that every life must end, uh-huh

As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, uh-huh

Oh I'm a lucky man, to count on both hands the ones I love

Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none

Stay with me

Let's just breathe

Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win, uh-huh

Under everything, just another human being, uh-huh

I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world to make me bleed

Stay with me

You're all I see

Did I say that I need you?

Did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see

No one knows this more than me

As I come clean

I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face, uh-huh

Everything you gave

And nothing you would take, oh no

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave

Did I say that I need you?

Oh, did I say that I want you?

Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see

No one knows this more than me

As I come clean, ah

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave

Hold me 'til I die

Meet you on the other side

b.f. i just went to bed and I still miss him when he leaves the room but it's time to get over that, time to grow up and learn things don't always work out the way you want them to. Yes i wanted him to love me but he doesn’t…he loves someone else….well two people but that's another long ass story. I am so glad for tonight and though it probably didn't mean as much to my friends it meant everything to me. They don't often get the chance to see eachother so it means even more that they let me chill with them. I never wanted to feel like they wanted me to leave or that I was encroaching on their time together. I guess I learned what real friends are at the age of forty-two. It took a long time but it was worth the wait. 

b.f. has moved on and it's time that i do too. My bestie has taught me that. She is so wise and smart even though she is so much younger than me. I'm glad that she is learning all these lessons earlier than I did. Lucky bitch lol. She deserves it though if anyone does. So I will end this by saying I am blessed and I hope I will always have them in my life, especially my bestie…she is one in a million and I hope everyone gets to have someone like her in their lives. Wow this was a gushy entry but what the fuck…sometimes you gotta be gushy.

[powermetalhag]

Hello i noticed you wrote a thesis related to MCR - a friend of mine is writing one too so if you have any resources you could share that'd be really helpful!!!

Sorry for the late response, I was away from home for the week and had to wait until I was back at my computer where the articles I used are favourited. I hope it's not too late, but if it is, maybe someone else will enjoy these links.

I didn't actually write a thesis about mcr (i think i phrased my tags badly in the post you must've seen). I wrote a sociology essay about the ways that emo is constructed through the body, which involved an analysis of an anti mcr rant from 2003 punknews which I got from a thesis someone else wrote. That thesis was incredibly interesting and likely has a lot which relates to mcr that your friend could use. I unfortunately only found it when I only had time to read a few chapters, but it was so good I'd love to finish it someday. It was "It's not a fashion statement, it's a death wish": subcultural power dynamics, niche-media knowledge construction, and the 'emo kid' folk-devil by M Daschuk. It can be read here:

https://harvest.usask.ca/handle/10388/etd-06032009-151109

I didn't read much that was specific to mcr, but I could share links to some articles which I found useful or interesting in case they help? It's been a while so I don't remember as much as I'd like about which ones were good out of my long list of bookmarks.

The book Nothing feels good: punk rock, teenagers, and emo by Andy Greenwald provides a ton of history and insightful points about emo, but it stops before the point that mcr took off as far as I'm aware (I don’t think they’re mentioned). So it's kind of about a different era, but a lot of points will still be relevant. I remember it having interesting things to say about what emo means to people and gendered narratives in emo songs, and emo's relation to youth (I think there were some interesting points in the jawbreaker chapter about the adolescent quality of emo and emo fan's aversion to letting their idols grow up.)

Ridiculous suffering on youtube: digital parodies of emo style by Anna Johanssen and Hans T Sternudd was really useful for illustrating the cultural backlash against emo and how that was often tied up with homophobia, enforcing gender norms, and a callousness toward mental illness, suicidal people, and the emotionality of teenagers. I don’t have a link, but dm me if it sounds useful and you’d like some screenshots of my pdf. There was another very good article about anti emo sentiments which was based around posts in an emo forum, but I can’t find it right now. Hmu if you’re interested and I can look harder.

Exploring dress and behaviour in emo subculture by Kaci Schmitt had some good points but I don’t remember it that well. But it had some interesting things to say about glam rock influence on emo and the key areas where emo differs from glam (I.e gender nonconformity in glam having an over-the top ‘carnivalesque’, escapist quality vs gender nonconformity in emo being a punk-like expression of authenticity). Could be worth just searching the keyword glam. Can be read here:

https://digitalcommons.kennesaw.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1466&context=etd

This one is probably not very relevant, but I'm including it just in case because I found it interesting, it’s:  Why alternative teenagers self-harm: exploring the link between non-suicidal self-injury, attempted suicide and adolescent identity. Their study finds that even when you adjust for socio-economic factors and victimisation, teenagers who identify as emo, punk or goth are still more likely to self harm or experience suicidal ideation than non alternative teenagers. Then they attempt to explain why this might be. I think one of their main guesses was that the personality profile typically drawn to these cultures might coincidentally also contain traits which leave them predisposed to that sort of thing. Another was that it was a sort of social contagion. Can be read here:

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/1471-244X-14-137

Sorry for making this so long and not having anything more relevant. Hope it can help a little.

[luna-tormenta]

Lúthiena & The Fam Book Review: Urban Faery Magick by Tara Sanchez

This is my first witchy book review, please bare with me. It may not be the best review but, I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences, as well as some of my spirit family's opinions on it! Hope you all enjoy it! Thanks for reading💀🌙🌻

Lúthiena's Review

This book challenges the reader to "stretch their understanding of the world around them" (pg 7), and after reading, I believe it truly lived up to these words. Urban Faery Magick is dedicated to techniques, experiences, encounters, and everything in-between of working with and learning about the Fae in modern times!

Firstly, I would like to say, the title of this book should be "Modern Faery Magick" or "Faery Magick of Today", because it has a TON of information on working with the Fair Folk. Not just working with them in an "Urban" sense. Yes I know it says "Connecting to the Fae in the Modern World" underneath the title, but I just think it should have been named differently🤔🤷‍♀️

The first portion of this book, is all about techniques of meditation, protection, and how to build up necessary skills for communicating and working with the Fae. Such as working with your imagination to build up your Sight, practicing Pareidolia (the ability to see faces and shapes in objects), and dowsing for Fae activity. There are a bunch of techniques, that I will describe in a later paragraph! It also contains information on the Courts, names, and folklore surrounding these amazing spirits. Tara does an amazing, in-depth job with writing about the Fae, especially when in the case of working with them.

Chapter 3 contains detailed descriptions of basic techniques to aid the reader in their exploration of Faeries. It covers breathing techniques, rhythmic breathing and walking, and a meditation called "The Silence Between" (pg 42).

This involves listening to your heart beat and feeling your pulse to meditate (your heartbeat and pulse don't line up and there's a small pause between each.) While using this technique, it allows you to enter into the Otherworld through the slight pause, it's a neutral ground between our realm and theirs, it's "the silence between" both worlds.

Next in line comes a cleansing/grounding technique, called the Verdant Breath, which uses the aid of an Ivy plant spirit. In chapter 4, Tara uses this breathing technique to go a little further and work with this spirit to protect yourself. I really enjoyed learning the different techniques throughout this chapter, it was really cool to see new components I've never learned before. I have tried the Verdant Breath and have seen a difference in my ability to meditate. Next, I will be trying the Silence Between.

Teachings in chapters 3 and 4 are there to help you build up skills for further exercises and meditations that are placed throughout the entire book. Tara also uses these chapters to explain why it is important to build up your abilities before interacting with the Fae, and why it's highly recommended to protect yourself. Amongst these pages are different charms and amulets to use, as well.

Next we further our understanding of the Fae through chapters 5-7, and look into further techniques used in folklore and history. I really like Tara's use of history and folktales because she touches on bits and pieces of EVERYTHING, and knows when to stay in her lane.

The second half of Urban Faery Magick is my favorite. Tara introduces an elemental system known as Wu Xing, because not all Faeries "fit neatly into the boxes" of the five elemental system we know as witches, and I highly agree with her! (Pg 101) In ways this system is alike the five elemental system we know and frequently use, but is a bit different. I highly recommend looking into Wu Xing a bit further after reading Tara's book.

Leaving out Spirit of the western elemental system, Tara combines the Wu Xing elements with the 4 elements of our normal system, to create more categories for identifying and labeling species of Fae. I have included a quote of page #104 for a better understanding of how Tara classifies and combines the elements.

"Note: ...The manner in which my system combines the Eastern and Western systems follows a very similar process, with each of the Eastern elements combing to make aspects of the Western (or vice versa), as can be seen in the table below.

[Picture ID: Columns of the Eastern and Western elementals systems. Across the top are five boxes containing the words Wood, Fire, Metal, Water and Earth, each box contains a element. On the left side of the graph contains four boxes, from top to bottom, with the words Earth, Air, Fire and Water. The different element columns are combined. Top to bottom, under the "Wood" category, we have "Earth of Wood, Air of Wood, Fire of Wood, Water of Wood". To the right of "Wood", under the "Fire" category there is "Earth of Fire, Air of Fire, Fire of Fire, Water of Fire". To the right of "Fire" is "Metal". This category starts with "Earth of Metal" then "Air of Metal, Fire of Metal, Water of Metal". Next in line is "Water". Underneath we have "Earth of Water, Air of Water, Fire of Water, Water of Water". The last category is "Earth". Underneath is "Earth of Earth, Air of Earth, Fire of Earth, Water of Earth". END ID]

This was also my first ID description. Please let me know if I need to make any changes to it! Thank you!

Therefore a being who is traditionally considered a water elemental may well actually be earth of water. Or, as with one of the entities I have worked with, fire of water. Another being may be air of metal rather than entirely air. Yet another, earth of wood, and so on.

...For each element, we will follow a case study for a particular Fae, getting to know them within environments where you may have not have thought to find them." (Page 104)

The case studies are a mix of Tara's personal experiences as well as experiences of mutuals of hers, and range across a few generations.

Each element has its own chapter, and contains a lot of information about each element. Tara does "modern sightings" for the elements, as well as two case studies. There are paragraphs dedicated to aligning yourself with each element, which I wish were a little bit longer. She also gives lovely guided meditations to visit and learn about each element's realm. At the end of each element chapter, Tara concludes with "Finding Other Fae" which includes names of Fae species to be on the lookout for!

The only bad thing I'd have to say about this book is the paragraph on giving thanks to Faeries. It states not to directly say "thank you" or acknowledge them for helping you. I, and I state again, I believe in giving thanks to my Faerie friends. Plus, Tara kind of contradicts herself by dedicating a paragraph to "not thanking the Fae" then tells you, in a later chapter, to "thank the Fae you work with". But, I digress.

I'm super grateful to have come across this book! I highly recommend it to anyone who works with the Fae, as well as beginners, because like Tara says in the beginning, everyone can learn at least one new thing! I give this book 5 out of 5 stars!⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The Spirit Family's Reviews:

Dawn, the Selkie:

"I really enjoyed the classification of the elemental systems combined. It adds a deeper perspective and understanding of Fae for humans to learn about us. This allows them to form a better viewpoint on our aspects as Faeries."

L, a Lunar Moth Faerie:

"I enjoyed the element system like Dawn, but got a bit confused on how to categorize Fae, like myself, who have planetary aspects. I wonder if Lúthiena will write to the author for me!! Other than that I agree the info gives aspiring AND experienced Fae workers a ton of info to starting and maintaining relationships with spirits of our kind. I also believe it is in our nature to urbanize and I like Tara's view on it. She should write another book!!"

Ly, High Lord Fae of the Night Court:

"The information provided in Urban Faery Magick is simply put and highly informative. As a High Fae Lord, it is my duty to join together with different types of Faeries, meaning I have met quite a few species. Tara adds great descriptions to each element she provides, and elegantly designed ways the reader can interact with each element. This is a must-read for anyone wishing to add a little magic to their lives, or is wanting to find a path into our world."

Tar, High Lord Fae of the Summer Court:

"Continuing off my friend's review, I would wish to add that Tara magnificently wrote Urban Faery Magick. You can clearly see the dedication she has towards working with Faeries throughout the pages. She must have a higher purpose of working with the Fae. I especially enjoy knowing she is teaching others about things like the Thorn Gates, since a lot of portals have been destroyed. Hopefully, thanks to Tara's book, they may gain the respect they once had."

Bo, a Boggart:

"Let's just say I did NOT like the stuff said towards boggarts. We are not house faeries gone wild. Yes, sometimes we have slightly irritating tendencies. But we always mean well to you humans. Other than that the book was great."

Hank, an Eyeball Demon:

"Even though I am no where near a classification of Fae, I have had many encounters with them over my many years. Tara has an interesting take on the modernization of the Fae species that is very true and real. I agree the titled works, Urban Faery Magick, should be on every spirit worker's shelf."

Dara, a Toddler Fae*:

"I really liked the story of Rumpleskillson. (Rumpelstiltskin). It was like so cool he could turn that stuff to gold. Maybe I can do that someday. Also, there's like so many stories of us in that book! El Cadejo was another cool one! If you like stories about us you should read that book"

*For those who are not aware, Dara is an experimental hybrid Faery. He was rescued from a Spirit Hoarder who enjoyed experimenting on faeries.

Ra, a Rose Demon:

"I didn't enjoy being called a plant diva, no matter how true the statement is.

The Earth class was slightly misunderstood as we are still here, thriving ever beautifully on. Some of us just choose to hide in your plants more carefully.

Like Hank said, I don't technically fall under the Faery thing either, but I am a plant spirit and Tara mostly depicted us perfectly. I mean she did write some pretty neat stuff." **brushes hair off shoulder**

Aaron, a Hellhound:

"This was a very knowledge filled book."

LA, a Dandelion Angel:

"Firstly, we're not ALL plant divas. We just really like things to go certain ways. Other than being called a diva, the pages of Urban Faery Magick contained useful information for Fae workers. I especially liked reading the Cairn exercise and how it instructed to build it at home, NOT in nature. I also agree Tara should create another magical read like this."

We hope you enjoyed our reviews!

For more information on Urban Faery Magick please visit:

Search "Urban Faery Magick" on Amazon

Www.TaraSanchez.com

[charmed-asylum]

𝒩ℴ𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃ℊ ℰ𝓁𝓈ℯ ℳ𝒶𝓉𝓉ℯ𝓇

𝒩ℴ𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃ℊ ℰ𝓁𝓈ℯ ℳ𝒶𝓉𝓉ℯ𝓇 , Chapter 1

Summary: Rosary Woods used to spend her summers in Hawkins. Now years later with untimely death of her father, she sent to live with her grandparents. Coming back to a place that use to give her pleasant memories but now full with dark secrets she hopes never see daylight. Her plan was simple easy till one night she finds a drunk boy full of curls and after life never the same.

FYI: This is my 1st fanfic. I do have dyslexia so if something wrong let me know. If you like it let me know same if you don’t. #Foodie be out this week too. ** Side note I’m looking for some talent ** tag list open

𝑀𝒶𝓈𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝐿𝒾𝓈𝓉

Tagged: @alagalaska @nottherightseason @alias-b @screensirenfic @linkispink1995 @staticscreenwriting

How the hell did all this happened. How the FUCK this happen. How did I end up alone on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere? Cold as hell with a runny nose from my tears and sharp pain of betrayal. I know now. It all started a couple of months ago. When I was tossed into this hickory town. Where one night find a stupid blue eyes boy drunk out his mind. With your stupid Mother, Mary's attitude had to help him. Now that drunk piece of shit made you fall for him to drop kick you in a small amount of a few months.

My brown eyes fill with glittery tears, tried to think back on every step that lead me here what was it? What did I do wrong? What I would do to go back to that night in October. Go back to that day I met that boy that came out of nowhere and changed my life

🍂🍂🍂

The fall air left a warm scent as I walk out the greyhound in my short denim overalls with a plain white short-sleeved shirt and black and white converses with black laces. My long midnight black wavy hair dancing with the wind with my red heart shades on, taking my around at my surroundings. Even though I have been here many times, this was the first time I came that wasn’t summer visits.

Those had an arrival and departure two way this time though was a one way. It was a lot different than home, Florida. It’s always sunny and things to do unlike here. Flipping my cassette player back on I walk over to the rusted metal benches and wait for my ride. I didn’t want to be here. However, when you have no other choice what can you do. My life stuffed in my dad's old beat-up army bag. I lend back hoping this was a dream and I wake up home with my dad not here. I didn’t hate here I just hate why I’m here. The two-day bus rides a dread and didn't help. Still, I’m stuck with nothing to do but cruise under the radar till graduation. Toss the cap in the air and by the time it's back in my hands I have another ticket to somewhere else.

I gentle tap took me out from my inner monologue into reality. An older woman in her 60s with short curly golden frost hair bright red lipstick that got bit on her front tooth in a flower print long dress. In all, she was the fifth unseen golden girl or what I know her as grams.

“‘HELLO ROSARY. You hear me call for you over there by the car” Grams shouts into my ear. Looking up at her I smile and move my bag out the way to hug her tight.

“ Sorry, the meds got me all out of it. Hi, grams it good to see you” I said holding onto the strap of my bag. She gave me a nod and kiss my cheek leaving an imprint.

“ Oh shut I forgot. Sorry, we couldn’t get your flights no airport close by. Sweetie. Grab your bag we can go home” Grams says walking and talking to the car. Tucking my shades in my pocket I follow her music still playing in my ears.

“ Where Papa at,” I asked looking out the window.

“ Oh, he at the diner checking on things. But he will be back by dinner. I sign you up for school. You start tomorrow. Your car will be ship here in two weeks so the bus to school till then” Grams said pulling up to the house. “ Look, honey. I know things have been hard the last few months but coming here can be your fresh start. So it’s up to you what you do. Stay sane try to be different better you dear” Grams said getting out of the car. Simply put it don’t fuck up this time.

“ Yes. Ma’am. I’m gonna the perfect granddaughter” I said with a eat shit grin.

“Don’t do that it’s tacky. I did not mean what I said that way sweetie. Huh lord, I need my soaps. Drop your stuff in your room” Grams said walking into the house.

My room more like a guest room. They tried though I give them that the last time I been here was years ago when I was 11. Then after that was with my dad across seas. By then the damage was done. Walls were eggshell white with a few pictures of me by dad and them that set on the wall by the window. The bed was against the wall with a small glass nightstand with a trunk in front. Probably the same one my dad had when he was my age. The small closet across the bed and an old oakwood dresser. This will do I’m sure in no time she can make it homie. I push my hand on the bed testing out the string a bit. This is my life now. Better just get used to it. Anger bubble deep in my chest as it slowly starts to hit me. This is a life I don't want. I wanted the life I had before one that was far from perfect but he was there. I toss my bag beside me with a bit of force and scream into my hands.

It took no time till I was done. I change up the pictures and some more on my dresser. A few things on the nightstand then to top it off my mint condition organized record collection in a purple crat that sat beside my dad's 1960s Gibson Hummingbird Fixed Bridge acoustic guitar.

“ So you all done. It’s not much but we go somewhere someday. Sorry, papa wasn’t here. After Benny passed away our place been the hot spot. Back to the glory days, he says” Grams said with a chuckle. I sat down beside her legs cross under me and started to flip through Good Housekeeping

“ So Benny no more. Anything else happens since I have been here last” I asked getting comfortable.

“Let's see. That Will kid you babysit a few times went miss for a week or so. Last year. And that’s about it. I don’t pay much attention to those things. Papa and I are going to bible study tonight. I know you not up to it this week. So you don’t have to go but I am looking forward to next week” Grams said. I ruffled my hand into my deep chocolate hair and nod yes.

“ I would love that. Thank you. That reminds me. I have to fill up on my pain killers. If it’s not much to ask can you please take me one day this week? Or may I go into town myself” I asked taking out my pill bottle?

Still, months later the pain reminds the same. Even the memories still were in tack as if it happened minutes ago. A tear rolled down my face just reliving it. Grams hold me tight smoothing me and rubbing my back as I let out a heavy cry. My dainty finger claw into her shoulder blade as tight as possible. I didn’t hate that I was here I just hate the why.

🌙🌙🌙

DADDY!!” I shout out. My body was soaked with a cold sweat and tears still running down my cheeks. Too weak to even move, I bend over cup my hands into my face, and scream.

Always the nightmares. Always the same two each night. Back home I would find a party or smoke or wave to ride but here. NOTHING. I promise a new me I remind myself. One that is not set to explode any second. One that took all their demons and bury it in the deepest hole. This me doesn’t let them loose but keep them hidden tight. That won’t break and burn everything she touches. This me be gentle, kind, and read the Bible instead of throwing my fist. I promise my father that even my estranged grandparents will be better.

After a good pity party, I decided to stay wasn’t gonna help me. I needed to out. I toss on some navy blue gym shorts pull down my Scooby-Doo t-shirt, which was getting a little bit smaller than last time I warn it years ago, decided for a walk.

Grams and Papa came back from church just after 11. Just missing the kids trick or treating. I stay back gave an empty smile say hello few folks who came by or heard over the rumor mill I was back. None who I really care about. The clock blink, 3:00. The cool breeze comforts me like a blanket over my shoulders. Music played close to mute. I thought about it all. If he at peace would I see him again. Could I make it to June in this town?

Far ahead of me on my way back, I saw a figure laying on the crisp grass. After the stories, Grams told me I wonder if it was anything important. As I got closer I saw an outline of a person. I stop and slow my walking this time with caution. Till I was right beside him. He was rocking back and forth humming some song no shirt tight-ass pants and hair messy with no shoes. This boy diffidently was fucking or having a good time. Part of me envies him and that freedom. Another knew it was because even if I don’t say it out loud he beautiful mess. Totally my type and that what it got tricky he was a reminder of the past I was hoping to leave behind. Flipping my hair out my face I got down to eye level and gently touch him.

“ Hey Hey you alright, “ I asked shaking him a bit.

He looks up and grins at me with a sleepy doozy grin. His eyes sparkle in the night sky and for a second I forgot he was drunk. My stomach did this thing I only ever felt a few times before. Back when I was happy. I shook my head and look around for help or at less to see if he drove or had friends. No luck. Part of me thought it be best to leave but then I saw it. Right below his eyes the old bruise and cuts. My jaw tightened till it clicks.

“ Mommy. Mommy” he said touching my face. I felt the cold touch of his ring against my lips. I tap it to the side and wrap his arm around me to get him up. Praying to God he, not a psycho, or I will regret this. He started to kiss my neck all while calling me mommy. Kinky mother fucker

“ Yeah Hot Wheels, not your mommy come on almost there,” I said helping him back home. He giggles and tried to be a handy hand reaching my hip and butt.

“ Holy shit your you are your a doll baby” he slurred into my ear.

Praying any god’s that my grandparents don’t wake up to him almost knocking everything down. I put my hand to his mouth and a finger to mine so he shut up. On the first day of this new me, I’m playing babysitting to a drunk man child. With ease, I toss him on my bed. He cuddles with one of my pillows squeezing my old grumpy carebear and drifts to sleep. I waited a second before I went and made my own special hangover shake and a bucket for the morning. Taking more time time to clean his face a bit and hand as gentle as I could. Time blink at 3:58, I sat on the floor against my dresser and watch him sleep. Wondering if a boy like that had nightmares too.

I woke up two hours later. Still on the floor face left with a carpet imprint. The boy from this morning now turns over to the other side against the wall sound asleep. I got up from my spot on wobbly legs grab some things and head to the bathroom.

As the cold water hit my face I kept thinking about before till the face of baby blue came into mine. His eyes look like way mine when I look into the mirror and it puzzles me. Never have I found someone else that had the same eyes as mine. Apart from me wonder what was behind those eyes. I shack it off as I dry my hair. If the boy's eyes look like mine then that means on things, his demons were just as bad. I change into tacky stuck in time uniform and walk back deep in thoughts when I stop. The boy was gone. I rush out of my room almost tripping over my own foot, empty. Nothing change in my room just the note. It wasn’t till I sat and smell the faint scent of cologne and cigarettes. It wasn’t a dream he was real. I laugh at myself there no way I will be seeing him again.

🍂🍂🍂

He couldn’t remember much just that her face was half cover by her loose curly hair that shines against the streetlight. The innocent big brown eyes that went with a sugar-sweet smile. Even though she was nowhere close to his mom. He couldn’t help but think about her. He never saw someone that beautiful before. Holding on to her tight sniff her in, honey and vanilla. He wanted to stare at her as long as he could but as soon as he hit the twin size bed he was out.

“Fuck am I” he hissed holding his head trying to think what happened last night. Last he remembered was making out with some blonde at the Halloween party or was it sex. His eyes look at the cup and bucket. Brown eye. He slowly picks up the note and read it:

Sleepy Head, First off we did not have sex and no I don’t know you. What I can tell you is this you were drunk and laying on someone's lawn alone. I live on Church street and Maple Lane. If it’s before 6 and your reading this back door

He laughs at the note and put it back where he found it. It was still early Neil wouldn’t be awake if he left now. He thought maybe he leave a thank you but it decided against it. He promised himself no attachment just to graduate, save up, and leave. No room for nothing else. Before he left he heard noises from the bathroom. Sound like a peaceful lullaby. Inching close he peaks in to see a figure from behind the curtain. Shaking his head he slips out and all his Mary way her black and white Adidas flip flops whistling her lullaby.

[themsgdiaries]

Since the day I started my working life I have seen the battle of priorities, yet I am certain. I am certain that my family and my church matter first. I always hoped I can be part of a company as an employee, and an employer someday with principle like this (what's in the letter) I am always praying.

Each year, when Holiday season kicks in no one knows how I ardently wish I could see my family, and how I am anxious whether I will be able to get my days off to see them. It's always a pain in the mind to just wish to see my family, yet my company blocked out Holiday weeks seasons vacation just because they need people for busy days. I have always wanted to be a reliable and a selfless Michaelene, but I fail to fulfill it when it comes between choosing work over family+church.

I will never forget that night when me and my sisters haved worked on a new year's eve. We tried to get a day off or even a half day off it turned out that we missed the chance to celebrate it with my relatives, and my tatay that I only get to see on special occasions. Although knowing that I served families and friends on my work that evening. Personally, it is one of the bad memory of New year's eve that I had. Super.

(my first bad memory was when we celebrated it, yet our family is apart for we have migrated, but still happy)

Then here comes Christmas, the struggle to find a way to spend Christmas with my family comes each year. Such dealings... and this year comes another one to face again. I am really hoping I could make it. 🙏🏻 I want the afterwards to be sweet.

Another experience that I had which I really felt I am an adult, and working life has embraced me is when I have to blow my candles for my birthday during my shift at work; however, I am thankful for the people who surprised me with my birthday cake sang a happy birthday song for me. It was my birthday, and I was not glad I did not find a cover that day, so I can celebrate my birthday with my Family which have looked forward, but I am happy that my coworkers made it a special day for me, while the management seems to still not care.

I work 5 days a week, and goes to school 5 days a week, the remaining 2 days for my week I also spend on my school, then with my church. Family time and siesta have diminished in my life, but the days I am spending at the church serves as a family time with my sisters( surprisingly the longest time we are together is when we are at the church and mostly in our beds) sometimes with my tatay and inang, and with my brothers and sisters in the church. My God has blessed me with a church. I am thankful for my church. Super. But wait, we have this thing called Mandatory Sunday meeting in my company once a month, it always bother me seeing that announcement posted because it demands me to miss out my church. In the first meeting, I didn't attend for I know Who is my priority on Sundays I however asked permission, and then received a write up for not attending the meeting and choosing church service. Then, I missed a lot of it through letters of request I have made and prayers that have been heard, but there were days I went into the meeting because you know, I have to submit on authorities too. Responsibilities we have to juggle. Maybe some of you may wonder and say "why don't you just quit?!" or "get more day off!". I have tried. I did. It is just that nobody's there, and I "have" to be there, stay.

I always wanted to be a reliable and selfless Michaelene, but when it comes between chosing work over family+church I always fail.

I like my work. I am thankful to God for it. The people I work with have been my friends and important people in my life too. Imagine we see each other almost everyday. We share our own foods, during breaks I eat more often with them than my sisters and tatay. We share our own stories, and make up ours. We laugh together, we get nervous, hungry, tired, happy, and thankful for each shift we finish together.

When I have to sit down with my manager for an evaluation I get thanked a lot for my hardwork, and helping my coworkers even its out of my job description. I get complimented , then thanked. On one evalution my manager told me

"Micah, I like working with you, your presence in this company spreads positivity, encourangement, happiness, and you make everybody love their work. I hired your when you were 20. I got lucky on you. You are like a sister to me. Keep up the good work. Thank you".

Right there I know that's the work of Jesus in my life. He is my happiness that I cannot hide. I am not a perfect employee. I get comments of things we have to improve in our station, and I get taps on my shoulder for the good works I have done. I hear my name being called when there is a question that needs an answer. I get thanked and get paid for my work. I thanked God for it. I like my work, but my work does not undertand that my Family is the top of my priorities, and the source of my happiness. Perhaps me having a time with my family is not my company's business, but from the start since the day I got strength and able to face and pass job interviews my family, they are the reason why first and for most I work.

Sometimes, our requests are not granted, and do you know what's hard? that you spend times and days everyday with people not with your blood, yet you only have few days nor time to be with the people you love and wish to spend most of your life. 🧡

Does it make me sad? Of course sometimes, but it makes me stronger, and wildly eager for success both for me and my family. So, one day when I am an employer. Don't worry folks, God first above all. I might not hear these words being told to me:

"You can have days off. Go, see you family". "Serve and worship God he deserves it"

"Happy Birthday! we have you here on ordinary days, but on your special day pls choose to spend it with special people in your life"

"Happy New year! Go home start this new year with your family. Sit down and plan for your dreams this year"

"Happy Labor day, this is your day. I think you deserve a rest"

"Is it your grandmother's 84th birthday? Let me figure out how we can fix our schedule for that"

" My company suceed as you suceed"

"I don't want you to stay in this work forever. I want you to use the time you have here to gain experience, earn financially, and develop skills. Use this company as a tool to make your dreams come true. I want you to leave my company one day better when I hired you"

I might not hear these words, but I am excited that one day I will say these words.

Do what you love. Spend time with the people you love. Serve whom you love. Make dreams that you love. Give love. Build little beginnings with love for what's best. Succeed with love for others success.

Good morning! Happy Saturday. 🧡

#TheMsgDiaries #yesshewrites #Msgonbuhayemployee

Photo was snapped by a coworker, and I don't like to have a pic. I saw this on my messages when I have to clean my phone.

To the woman employer with the " Go Home. Be Home" letter. I appreciate your heart. Thank you.

If you want to look at the open letter here's an article's link:

https://balikbayan.info/go-home-be-home-open-letter-of-company-boss-to-her-employees-went-viral-receives-praises-from-netizens/