#i said id do them all eventually but itd take a while....<:3

[ekuns]

blue archive

aris(?) :>

[nextstopparis]

fic tag game - thnk u for thinking of me @southfarthing 🥺❤️❤️

how many works do you have on ao3?

29..... its rlly bothering me i need to get one more up gbjjhbhb

what's your total ao3 word count?

130,758 (???? WHAT???? I DONT THINK IVE EVEN SAID THIS MANY WORDS IN THE LAST TWO YRS WTF)

how many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

ive only written for merlin:)

what are your top five fics by kudos?

1. all the things we did not become, 2.08 fix it fic for glompfest

2. he won't tell you that he loves you (but he loves you), a lil fluff for merthur week 2020

3. frozen deep blue (you painted me golden), angsty arthur returns fic bc i sort of got annoyed by the idea that the only issues they would encounter would be arthur adjusting to the modern world.

4. how it was supposed to be, like pre s4 fic (except uthers already dead lol) based on a tsoa scene that i sob over every time.

5. build a house in paradise, modern au slice of life fic full of domesticity.

do you respond to comments? why or why not?

yes i do! it might take a WHILE though bc im just. bad at things. idk i get stressed over saying thank you to strangers online ok leave me alone. but yes id o eventually. (at least i have thus far)

what's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

omg. OMG WAIT LOL i was gonna say none bc i dont tend to do angsty endings BUT I DO HAVE ONE!!! (well two, but thisis the angstier one i think): tell me why this has to end is pretty angsty although it does. like. end as the show did lol. well anyway. omg i completely forgot abt that fic:/

do you write crossovers? if so, what is the craziest one you've written?

i dont write crossovers

have you ever received hate on a fic?

errr not that ive been made aware of lol.

do you write smut? if so, what kind?

i do not write smut.. the closest ive gotten is alluding to it skdjncjsnc

have you ever had a fic stolen?

lol why would anyone want to steal my fic skjdncskjncs but no

have you ever had a fic translated?

nah

have you ever co-written a fic before?

NO BUT ID LIKE TO ONE DAY i think itd be really cool:(

what's your all time favourite ship?

well hm. *looks at entire blog dedicated to merthur and like 600 bookmarked fics also about them* ummm,,,, thats a really hard question aha...

whats a WIP that you want to finish but dont think you ever will?

is it a wip if its still just an idea that i havent actually written anything for??? its based on gold rush by taylor swift (ohmygod im so annoying) and i REALLY like the idea but i think im just too scared to start it bc like. it deserves better than me u know sjdcnksdjnksnc ugh.

what are your writing strengths?

my english teacher in hs once told me that im good with voice which is great for writing crack i think

what are your writing weaknesses?

dialogue, plotting, tenses really kick my ass too bc i can never decide if i want to do it in the present or the past. like wtf

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

errrr.... i dont really have that much of an opinion on it? it would be nice to understand what im reading though,,

what was the first fandom you wrote for?

m...merlin..

whats your favourite fic you've written?

invent the future. its the longest thing ive written which already makes it something im really proud of, but i also just like the ideas i explored in it about forgiveness and justice and the nature of destiny and stuff (wowzers im sort of so-fist-o-kate-id huh). it started out as a single sentence and then accidentally became a pendragon siblings relationship repair fic which. i mean. whatever lol. also its the first merwenthur fic ive written which im pleased abt bc i LOVE THEM. and OKAY. so maybe its also just 60k words of an arthur character study. GOSH leave me alone...

tagging: @shana-rosee , @witchmd13 , and @queerofthedagger (if you want ofc!!)

[magiq]

A story to tell

If I was to write the full story, I'd have to write a novel. I'm going to start by saying that even though it might seem like I was the good person in the story, I wasn't at all great. I made huge mistakes which broke people and friendships. Saying that, that was never my intention.

For you to understand why I find myself in the complicated situation, I will firstly explain why my mum is so important to me.

Every since I was born, my mum's life was something like hell, my dad wasn't a good person due to drugs and other substances. I grew very attached and protective over my mum and she is my world. The thought of something ever happening to her leaves me in tears, and with my PTSD, that thought crosses my mind far too often. The thought of my mum dying one day petrifies me. This is all you need to really know on this subject as most of this story isn't about my family.

It was exactly on new years day;2018, when I fucked up majorly. I had these two best friends and they were together. J and the other one R. J was my best friend and R came with her. They were both pretty great. Before they got together, a while before actually, I had a crush on R but that wasn't the case anymore. They were purely my best friends. We spent a lot of time together with our other best friends and we cared about each other a lot.

R and J knew each other for a very long time and because they were best friends before they became girlfriends they used to argue often. They rushed into their relationship and they moved in together very fast... lesbians right?😂 Anyways joking aside. R started to get a lot more chatty with me, she even got flirty but I thought nothing about it. Eventually J and R broke up. It was very hard trying to be there for both of them as they both wanted me for their selves. R always flirted with me and I started feeling strange feelings towards her, she was bringing my old feelings back to the surface. I tried to fight it for a long time.

Me, R and our other friend, went to a night club and R was staying at my house afterwards. When we got back and in bed she started cuddling me. I didn't feel comfortable at all, I kept shaking and she thought that was cute but I was only shaking because I knew what was happening wasn't right. J texted R and asked her to come back to her, R didn't really want to but because of what was going on I told her I didn't think she should stay at my house, so she left. J and R got back together and I tried to stay away from the situation for as long as I could. Soon enough they were both asking me to come and see them, after about 3 weeks I caved and went there. Everything seemed good and back to normal. They then broke up again. J decided that she wasn't going to come out for new years, so me, R and another one of our best friends went together. By then I already knew something strange was happening between me and R as she was continuously coming to visit me at work, there were long hugs and her telling me how special I was. My feelings towards her were very confusing but I never admitted that to myself. That night on new years eve we both got very drunk. She came to stay at mine and we ended up kissing. Everything between us felt so intense. But ofcourse I knew what I was doing was wrong.

The next day I told J what happened. She got mad and told me that it's either her or R, I couldn't choose, therefore I lost J. Me and R ended up getting into a relationship and I fell for her. Everything was good but deep inside I knew that she would go back to J eventually and she did. I wasn't okay with it but I pretended to be. She left and blocked me out of her life. She told everyone that everything between us was a lie, that I was just something she latched onto. That made me furious and I was able to hate her, which made moving on a lot easier. That is until they broke up again and she started popping back up in my life. Unblocking me, liking my posts, adding me on social networks, and then blocking me once her and J sorted things out again. This happened 3 times, months apart and messed with my head more and more each time. There were even unknown caller ID calls at one point.

The first few times I ignored it, I even accepted one of her requests just to see whether she'd say anything, she didn't. By the 3rd time I had had enough. I messaged her and demanded a conversation, she said she had wanted to talk to me for months so we arranged to meet.

I got a taxi to our arranged location and waited for her there for around 45minutes, which felt like seconds. I was so anxious, I kept looking around me to see if I would see her walking towards me until eventually her presence hit me like a bomb. She appeared right in front of me as I glanced at my phone and back up. She came from a side alley, which I want expecting at all. She said hello and proceeded to tell me that she liked my hair. I just shouted at her, I don't even remember most of what I said.

After a few hours of deep talking and her telling me that she still loved me, we got cold and decided it was time to part ways. That's when we had the conversation I think I'll never forget.

She asked me whether I never wanted to see her again, I tried to say no but there was a lump my throat and a sharp stabbing in my heart. It was as though she was a part of me and I couldn't let her go. I told her it wasn't fair of her to ask me that. She demanded an answer, so I came up with one. I said that we could never be what we used to be, but eventually I do want her in my life, never to the extent she was, but I want her there. I told her I had a few conditions, these were them;

Firstly she had to grow up and stop being selfish, stop playing with people's emotions like they don't matter, when they do.

She had to have her own place and stand on her own two feet, I told her as soon as this was done, she could message me and we'd have a chat, but to not talk until then.

And the last one was, not to block me again. Not to drop me again like I was a sack of shit, after everything I had done for her to show me at least that much appreciation. And that's when I said it. "IF YOU BLOCK ME AGAIN, I SWEAR ON MY MUMS LIFE I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN, ILL AVOID YOU AT ALL COSTS" the biggest mistake I've ever done. She knows how much I care about my mum and how supersticious I am. And I wanted her to not cut me off again. I wanted her to know how seriously I don't want her to do that. I loved and cared for her still so fucking much. I regretted saying it instantly, but I couldn't take it back. We said goodbye and I left.

A few days passed and my best friend N (I'm going to give her credit, she helped me through all of this and she's an absolute star) got a message that R was in hospital due to an overdose. Once I read that message it felt like the whole world had stopped spinning and even though I said that I wouldn't speak to her until she sorted herself out, I had to call her.

The phone was ringing and my heart was racing. She answered and went onto saying that she couldn't talk right now because she was with J. I understood, I just wanted to know that she was okay and now I knew, so I left her alone. A few hours later I was blocked. I cried for hours.

So the point of this story is, I still love her, I tried to find posts that I related to but I couldn't so I wrote my own. I love her and dream about her but I'm never going to speak to her again and hopefully never see her again, because itd be so damn hard not saying a word if I did. See if I spoke to her and then something bad happened to my mum, I'd blame myself. But for some reason I can't seem to stop thinking about her. I constantly dream about her, I think she's someone that's meant to be in my life, and now I can't let that happen. Ive been broken before but I don't think I will ever feel this way about anyone again. I wanna let her go...

I NEED to let you go.

[atlanxic]

ok so i actually have an extensive arc-v/zexal crossover university au that i’ve talked a lot about on my private twitter and on discord but i think it’s time to put it all on tumblr. i wanted to make this all one post but i actually feel like it’s too much for that? so here’s part one of..... five or so?

yuuto, shun, and ruri lived in the same apartment complex as children, theyve known each other literally forever.

in middle school, yuuto & shun both discover hardcore/punk music and spend a couple years being kind of awkward and terrible about it until high school hits and they kind of level out. ruri teases them a lot for liking that awful racket but eventually she gets into it too, mostly because her and shun are kind of inseparable for quite some time. the three of them go to the local shitty music venue just about every weekend. for the first year or so ruri insists shes going to keep them out of trouble but like i said, she gets more into the music after a while.

shun and yuuto both mosh, shun probably more frequently than yuuto. they show up to school with bruises pretty often and rumours are started that they get in fights a lot or that theyre involved in a gang. there are also rumours that theyre dating, which dont go over very well, and result in them getting in actual fist fights a couple times. they try dating for like... 3 months in grade 7, and then decide that its weird and they work better as friends.

yuuto wears his hair in a mohawk for about a year before switching to the spiky mess we know and love. towards the end of middle school, they meet kaito at a prog-rock concert, all four of them pressed against the front rails together kaito and yuuto hit it off immediately, and exchange phone numbers after the show. shun is immensely suspicious. they text a lot, and then they start hanging out, and then they start going out. shun threatens to beat kaito up, kaito is fine with it, yuuto is not. etc.

meanwhile, ruri and sayaka meet in class. it doesn't even occur to shun to be suspicious of her until he catches them making out. he yells about it, sayaka is understandably frightened. ruri tells him off for scaring her girlfriend. she stays angry at him for longer than she has before. he eventually gives in and apologizes to both of them, but in a kind of dickish way.

yuuto and kaito break up towards the beginning of 11th grade. neither of them are upset about it, they stay friends. it was mostly because kaito felt like he needed to focus more on school, now that he's getting into college prep-level courses. yuuto cries about it once, and it takes several hours to convince shun that violence would be neither appropriate nor helpful.

all four of them move to a different city for college. sayaka goes to school in the town they grew up in. her and ruri stay in touch, but after half a year they decide that the long distance thing isn't working out for them. they still hang out when ruri and shun go back for the holidays, and its fairly bittersweet.

yuuto shun & ruri dont realize that kaito is going to the same school as them until all four of them are present at a queer alliance meet & greet. shun glares at him across the room for a while before yuuto notices he's there and goes over to say hello like a decent person. yuuto and kaito immediately hit it off again. theyre both kind of "fuck you grew into yourself really well im Gay."

immm gonna say that in first year, yuuto & shun live in the dorms together. they eventually decide the res life is not for them but. apartment hunting when youre like 18 and moving out for the first time is a bit much, so dorms it is.

anyway, shun catches yuuto and kaito making out in their shared dormroom like 3 fucking days after the meet and greet. kaito's expression is one of fear and conveys that he knows full well that shun is 2 seconds from beating him up. yuuto is kinda pissed off about it. yuuto and shun have a long conversation that night about how protective shun is. they fall asleep in each other's arms.

kaito avoids them for a little while, but the next time they see him, shun makes a genuine apology. yuuto and kaito start dating again a few weeks later. ruri is surprised and delighted about it. ruri ends up dormed with rin in first year.

they get along reasonably well, but they dont get close until rin accidentally lets slip that she's gay, and then ruri is like "oh thank god, me too." the context is probably: that yuugo visits them like basically every other day, and is Really Obviously In Love with rin, and rin's affectionate with him, so ruri just kind of assumes theyre dating. and at one point is like, do you want me to go somewhere else so you guys can make out, i could hang out with my brother tonight its nbd. yuugo blushes bright red and is like aaaaa its not like that, like, exactly like he does in canon. and rin's like “lmao im gay. i mean. what.”

ruri probably ids as pan? but anyway, shes like "ohhhh cool me too.” they both kind of stare at each other while this new info sinks in, and then yuugo says something and the moment is broken.

this is still a bit before yuugo's gay crisis

[later, during yuugo's gay crisis about yuuya] [rin] yuugo you had a crush on a boy in /middle school/ [yuugo] no i didnt i had a crush on you [rin] you used to complain to me about how hot he was like every lunch break [yuugo] that doesn't mean anything? [rin] obviously it does? how are you only realizing this now

ruri discovers that rin's been wanting to go to queer alliance meetings but has been too shy about it, so she drags her along. and someone mistakes them for yuzu and selena. idk who it would be..... sawatari maybe?

sawatari is like, Flaming Gay, a legitimate twink despite iding as bi.

anyway theyre like, thats not us, youre mistaken, and sawatari, instead of fucking off, is like, "holy fuck you have to meet them, you look so much the same it's eery." sawatari drags them through the party for like 20 minutes before actually finding yuzu and selena, and he's like "look i told you."

and all four of them are kind of like "holy fuck???" they get a selfie together, its not very good because the lighting is terrible, and they spend the rest of the evening hanging out.

yuzu and selena had a class together and hit it off immediately, theyre already dating. theyre a bit surprised to learn that ruri and rin /aren't/ dating. rin blushes at the suggestion and gets raised eyebrows all around. the four of them become fast friends and start getting lunch together and studying together on a regular basis.

ruri and rin meet yuuya through them, and because yuuya is friends with Everyone, they become friends as well. which sets the stage for yuuya and yuugo meeting, and yuugo's consequent gay crisis.

shun, ruri, and yuuto as pakistani immigrants, they arrived when they were very very young but they get a lot of shit for it anyway, especially ruri, who wears a hijab.

i figure the commons would be mostly latinx/mixed. so like, yuugo, rin, and shinji are all latinx. i rlly like the concept of black crow with a bleached-orange hi-top fade and subtle freckles. yuuya, yuzu, and gongenzaka can pprrobably be white? dennis could be ethnically jewish & light-skinned. fusion dimension crew are mostly japanese, so sora, yuuri, and selena. i.. am not really sure about reiji? following the theme i guess white/japanese mixed. tsukikage is japenese & immigrated like within his memory rather than a few generations back, he's bilingual. jack is latino and white-passing.

i like the concept of shun as a veterinary student, partly because i think he'd follow his interest in birds if things hadn't gone horribly wrong and partly because i find the idea of this edgy asshole in scrubs really funny. yuuto takes social work and ends up with crow as a teacher. yuuya, dennis, sawatari, and sora are all drama majors. yuuri is in botany. reiji is a law major, as well as being on the debate team and the student council. he never fuckign sleeps. shun also joins the debate team, and they do Not get along, but since debate team is the yelling hobby anyway, thats fine. yuzu is in the music program. selena is in poli-sci. yuugo stays in engineering. i dont, know about the rest of everyone.

conceptually, this is a north-eastern reasonably liberal college town, featuring two colleges and a trade school. one college is for the arc v kids, the other one will eventually be populated with zexal kids when i get to know them. kaito starts in zexal school and transfers at the beginning of second year. everyone is in first year rn except reiji and tsukikage, who are in second year, and also are dorming together, and also are gay.

so now that thats all set up!! back to the plot!!

ruri and rin meeting yuzu and selena happens a couple weeks after ruri and sayaka break up. selena hears about it and is like, hey if you need a rebound i can hook you up with someone, and ruri is like. "i feel like itd be disrespectful to date someone else before im over sayaka, ill stay single for a while." she never actually completely gets over sayaka, but she does eventually get enough emotional distance to move on. every time she goes home for the holidays they have awkward not-quite-gay moments.

much like in sfu, sawatari is loaded and hosts house parties whenever his father is away on business trips.

once the 4 girls are hanging out on a regular basis, they all sort of get to know each other's orbital boys. like rin and ruri get introduced to yuuya and get to know sawatari better. yuuya's goal is to be friends with absolutely everyone, and they make good progress on it.

yuzu and selena get to meet yuugo. yuugo is starry-eyed at all four of them, but alas, they are all too gay for him. at one point selena slaps him in the face and he spends like the next two weeks thinking about it lmao

likewise, they all get to meet shun. shun immediately decides that he is going to protect all of them. rin finds it kind of cute, yuzu finds it kind of weird, selena is outright offended about it. they get along a lot better with yuuto, since yuuto is just, easier to get along with. he joins their lunch dates once in a while, as does yuuya.

selena and yuuri met in their high school gsa and relentlessly gossip about everyone they meet. selena introduces yuuri to the rest of the girls exactly once, it does not go well. probably kye gives them all backhanded compliments. shun hears about this from ruri later and decides that yuuri is his enemy.

the first time yuuya and yuugo meet, its because the girls have invited both of them to lunch. yuuya introduces themself with a firm handshake and a wink. yuuya flirts a bit throughout the meal, as they tend to do. yuzu tells yuugo after the fact like, "dont mind them, theyre always like that." yuugo tries not to think about it much.

the second time they meet is at one of sawatari's giant house parties. yuuya, being slightly inebriated, is even more flirtacious than usual. yuugo gets it into his head that this is some kind of challenge, and refuses to back down from yuuyas advances until theyre in a closet together and yuuyas hand is up his shirt.

the next gay he visits rin to have a gay crisis. ruri politely sees herself out so they can talk.

i want to say shun is having a similar crisis about having come very close to having a one night stand with reiji. not because it was gay but because he hates the guy.

rin is exasperated but understanding, she rubs yuugo's back and calls him a pathetic baby while he whines. by the end of their conversation, yuugo has accepted that he's bi, and additionally, that making out is Great and he should do more of it. rin is slightly worried and gives him a safe sex talk, he yells and covers his ears during the entire thing.

meanwhile, shun is like "i fucking hate that guy why was it so satisfying to bite him" and ruri is like "bro i love you but thats way tmi, please do not tell me about your sadistic hatesex kink or whatever the fuck it is youre trying to convey." yuuto, also present, is like "i cant believe you made out with that asshole, and you still have the nerve to get angry at basically anyone i kiss for no fucking reason." shun swears up and down that it will not happen again, and also says that he has already apologized several times for being possessive about both of them, please let him live it down.

(it absolutely does happen again.)

(the second time they actually do go all the way, it is the best sex of shun's life, and he's upset about it.)

[yuuto voice] you have a Problem, why cant you date someone decent and have vanilla sex like the rest of us

rin slowly develops a huge crush on ruri. when she tells yuugo about it, hes like "yeah she's really pretty i completely understand."

[lueluepanue-blog]

"You're not perfect either."

This is what youd always try and point out to me almost every argument. This is what you tried to point out to me post breakup when I tried to get you to once see you were wrong. The thing is, everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. The thing is, is theres a difference between what I “Did” to you and you to me. Yes. I was messy. Yes, I could have cooked more often. And then there’s the “controling” card you try and throw out as well. Controlling even though I endlessly gave you what you wanted or id never hear the end of it. And even if it bothered me inside-such as having sleepovers with girls youve slept with, or whatever it was that was “controlling”- I gave you what it was that you wanted cause my feelings were always underneath yours. The thing is, is i didnt pinch or squeeze you as hard as I could if I heard something or you said something I didnt like in front of friends and even family. I didnt get drunk and when wed get home id be throwing up or lose the soul in my eyes black out and choke you- (More then one occasion.) I didnt complain about everything you do for me. Wether it was the clothes i bought you, the phone my grandmother bought you, trips Id planned, dinners I bought, where we lived (especially with my family, even though we were homeless), trying to cheer you up constantly cause you were always mad or bothered by something… you were never grateful, always had a negative comment, always a flaw with what was being done for you. Nothing was good enough. I didnt take my anger out on you day in and day out. If you were grumpy you made sure I was grumpy too. And I’d try and reverse the anger by making you smile over and over. But youd get meaner and meaner hurting me and my feelings. I didnt hurt your feelings constantly or shun you away from kisses and hugs. And when my feelings were hurt and you were clearly in the wrong itd take me a good 3 hours to go through why you owe me and apology and what you did wrong. And even still most times you saw nothing wrong with your behavior in which id finally break down with panic attack telling you that you continuously hurt me and that you needed to change only for you to finally say sorry after crushing me down to the point where sorry should have been said so long ago it didnt mean anything. You said sorry too late too many times. Sometimes if I were lucky you’d acknowledge you knew you had a problem and that you couldn’t help it but that you loved me and if I loved you id put up with it. Making me believe it was okay for someone who says they love someone to treat them like that and that i had to basically be okay with how i was treated. Remember I was told by you I couldn’t drive the car for two years. Yet bitched cause you had to drive me everywhere. Remember how we always listened to your music? And not mine? Cause if it were something I wanted to listen to, or watch on tv you acted rude and huffed and puffed because you wanted to listen to your music. I never was continuously late to pick you up from work. Or forgot you cause I was too drunk at the bar. (Happened one time, regardless, you were 2 and half hours late and drunk at the bar before you even realized I was done with work). You were a nice drunk. Except for when you were alone with me. I never said things to embarrass you or upset you in front of family and friends on purpose if i were mad. I never left you during our relationship and fucked an ex and you at the same time telling both i loved them. I never kissed your mom drunk, or made out with people at the bar drunk then make an excuse for it. I never blatantly hit on your mom in front of you. I never pushed you in front of your mother either. I never stopped giving you attention, or stopped wanting to play. I NEVER. It goes on and on. There’s a difference between things people should work on to improve their relationship and straight up mental and physical abuse. “You act like I beat you.”-your words. Okay so because you didnt kick the shit out of me its not abuse? Pinching? Slapping? Choking? Squeezing? “You act like I did it all the time”- your words. Okay so because it didnt happen everyday the damage it caused my heart and mind is irrelevant? And then there’s the emotional abuse. Putting me down about being bisexual. Questioning me to the point no matter what answer i gave it upset you even if it were the truth. Calling me a whore. (Even though you slept with more people) ….**makes alot of sense*** telling me im disgusting over my past or shame me. Telling me i need to stop eating cause I was getting “big”. Justifying hurting my feelings in any shape or form making me believe i was worthless. In what right mind does someone get to hurt someone’s feelings and then get mad at them for getting upset about it. Oh dear my love I could go on and on. Mentally id rather take 12 punches to the face than deal with the mental side of abuse. So, finally one day I gained courage to leave the woman im in love with. I told you itd happen eventually over and over. That id take everything and end it. And that would make you mad. Shame on me for giving countless opportunities to turn everything around grow old with me. Shame on me for trying and fighting for as long as I could and finally breaking from the pain. So I left. And instead of saying to yourself I could have my home and family back if I changed my behavior towards my fiance, you were mad cause I took it away. And even still, I offered to help you out. I said all we needed was some space and for you to get back on track and wed be fine. But no. I was still the monster. I was a “whore” for sleeping with people who at the time hadnt even been slept with. I hadnt even slept with anyone and you were sending nudes and sexting on day three or four. I was a bitch and a cunt for leaving you with “nothing.” Instead of fixing the problem, you pushed me farther away. You were drinking every night. Threatening your life and threatening to crash my car. Name calling. Doing everything opposite of what a person would do if they were to actually fix things. So I started taking away my help. Stopped talking to you as often cause I didn’t want to be put down any longer. Everytime I tried after breaking up youd lash out and be mean and then clam down and tell me youd fix it. Except I had heard it a million times over. Heaven forbid i wanted you to prove for once you meant it. Once I became silent waiting for you, you started the statuses. Degrading me. Making me seem crazy. Making it look like it was me all along. And i wanted to kill myself. How could one person put me through so much and then make the public believe I was the one in the wrong. Then I got the apologies after you knew deep down you were gonna kill me. Then I got the kisses when i saw you again. Then I got the care and love i wanted when i saw you. But it seemed fake. I was so used to you hurting me i didnt believe you when you briefly gave me love those couple of times. After I wanted to die i was so numb and stripped of myself i slept with others. I started to lose hope in us. I wanted attention. And love. I wanted to feel anything other than what I was. And i closed you out still hoping youd eventually come knocking on my door to lift me up and kiss me telling me it was all gonna be okay now. Hoping you would have fought for us. Fixed your mistakes. Hoping id be able to have my family back together and that you truly loved me. After sleeping with them you sort of tried still. New girl was already relevant in your life at this point too. I wasn’t concerned though. You were giving me somewhat of what i wanted with her there. Kisses. Misses. Got a job. I thought you were finally getting it. I was ready for you to come home. And then you cut me cold. Told me I could have had you. Told me it was because I slept with others even though you were loving on me after that. Even though you were sleeping around too. Told me I couldn’t have you and it was my fault. Told me you were moving on with her. Little did i know you were with her long before my knowledge and still giving me false hope. According to facts she was your girlfriend may 11th just wasnt publicly announced. It took you only from the last week of march to the second week of may to forget all about 2 years of family and someone who really loved you. 7 weeks to move on. Meanst the whole time bitched at me for “moving on and seeing others” when im the one who stayed single and faithful to our family and youre the one who moved on. The one who moved on when they were the one who caused the problem. How humiliating for me. How unloved and forgotten and betrayed I felt. I had faith in you and us even after all the pain i was caused and I got shit on. How disappointing, I thought our love was real. I thought instead of finding a new girl to love youd wipe the tears from the one whos done everything for you, your family, and fix the broken. How unimportant and small i felt. How worthless and not speacial you showed me I was. And then I wanted to die all over again. My whole belief in anything and everything was crumbled. I spent two years trying to make it work for us. Gave everything I had in me to fight for us. Meanst while getting fucked in the head and hurt repeatedly. And i wasn’t even worth one attempt. I begged for you to realize. Begged for us. Begged for you to realize I was suffocating and the pain was all so much dying would have been easier. Mentally after everything i was fucked up in the head. Who wouldn’t Be? That’s when you told me “I need professional help and that I was sick.” Dear God, but boy oh boy you never saw you were the one who caused it. You never saw you should have fixed it. All you saw was me breaking down and that it was “my fault” cause I could have had you. I was nothing to you anymore. My screams for you to come home were just annoying noise and I “wasn’t” your baby anymore so you let me burn. And you watched. “You weren’t there for me when i wanted to die”-your words. Heaven forbid i told you i want a break and for once let you live with what you did. Thinking youd take me seriously about our relationship. You never did. You let it slip away. “Why would you wanna be with me if it was that bad and we always fought.”-your words. The answer is simple. I love you. I love all the good and the bad. I love the way you were when you weren’t treating me horribly. I even love your mental illness. However, I don’t love abuse. Mental or physical. I always told you I don’t want to change who you are, I want you to change how you treat me. And that was too hard for you. You didnt want to. And then I realized after all this you hadn’t fixed anything. You quit your job. You blamed me for us not being together. You got a new girl. And you ran away from your problems. All along the only reason I wanted you back was for the sake of I was seeing some improvements. And boy was I wrong after being shit on. Now i don’t know if you ever truly loved me or are capable of love. If you can do it to me- someone who loved you truly so much and did everything for you who you say you love- then youll do it to anybody, anyone. You see, I know you so well, I was the one person who saw your flaws knew to put you in your place, continued to try for us regardless, and at the end of the day still loved you and knew deep down you were better than it, and had faith in you even still. How sad to have let me get to this point. To push me aside. To disregard everything ive done, and spend the rest of life without me. And yet id still let you come back and always will. BECAUSE I DON’T GIVE UP ON PEOPLE OR LOVE JUST BECAUSE IT’S TOUGH. And maybe youll never realize, and maybe you will. And if you do, youll know what you have to do to truly make it right. And if you dont, that is a damn shame for you. And for myself.

Tonight I put these words visibly and clearly for my love. For myself. For us. For family.

I love you more than you will ever be able to comprehend. I miss you with every cell in my body. I see you in everything and everywhere I go.

However, I am strong. Please know its okay to be wrong

[cielospeaks]

somehow i am becoming the avenger mom in fate and i dont mind it at all

yall can join caddock and katsu in the my sons pit

i spend so damn long trying to befriend lobo and hessian and enkidu take pity on me and somehow work something out and after like months prolly lobo like sniffs my hand or something and i feel #blessed

senpai of course i latch onto immediately. hes surprised but also super flattered since a lotta times hes not the dominant personality of the duo of him n lobo, hes more than ok w that but if he had a face hed be blushing at me constantly holding his arm n stuff

eventually i run into angra and im surprised hes not just some brightly dressed neighborhood kid from his personality, after finding out the heck hes been through i get super protective of him. this kidll get the actual happy teenagerhood that he didnt get in life and ill make dang sure of that. hes an absolute gremlin and takes full advantage of this tho

dantes/jalter/gorgon dont live in my chaldea buuuut if they did????? id probably tease dantes a lot, like calling him “sweeney todd” or “mr komaeda” but when it came down to it id try to help him out too. same w jalter, tho id prolly tease her less. gorgon is mom???? id be too intimidated to tease her or anything like that and prolly mostly just get too nervous/awed around her to say or do anything. but im sure w enough time i could warm up to all 3 of them

and gosh sacchan where do i even start. whats there to be said about sacchan i ramble bout him enough already ahahaha. anyways i just wanna hold him and gently kiss him, and if he gets hurt ill kiss his injuries while holding him gently and whispering reassuring things to him. me showing up to go on a date w sacchan to listen to music and eat sweets but then angra pops in like “oh nice, free food” when things start to get awkward, dragging senpai w lobo not far behind. i love all my kids

honestly tho itd be so sweet to be out on a sunny day with a cool breeze by the river in the afternoon and just look over and see angra, senpai, lobo, and sacchan all asleep/resting, peaceful and content looks on their faces and just be heckin overwhelmed by the fact that all these vengeful spirits are finally smiling naturally and are at ease and just be so happy you can see them at this ease

[isaacathom]

why do i keep going w this stuff dude

like what id have to do to justify what happened to the travelling partner is.... like... itd be a character thing. youd have the Survivor right there, and his personality would already establish he’d be capable of nasty shit (mostly because he literally does nasty shit during the story, yknow). but the hunters have to characterised as able to do it posthumously, which is difficult, because typically shit gets rose tinted. there’d be few people who’d be willing to say bad shit about a dead person. though its possible we’d get that insight from the people the Woman befriends, as they’re unlikely to be super close to the hunters (or theyd be keeping distance) and it means theyve got distance and more objectivity about their actions.

then i have to decide why. like, whhyyyyy? why do it. why do that. why attack an exhausted woman and kill her while her friend watches? a personal ‘quirk’? did she say something? did they do something and she reacted negatively? what happened. theres a couple of possibilities which i guess ill detail for future/current pickings

- ~just a prank~. possibly some sort of stupid action involving hurting the woman that went too far and resulted in her death? difficult to justify, but if the hunters are young enough or established to be immature enough, it could work. maybe the idea was that theyd injure her and then bandage her up and bring her back to the village, like they wanted? kinda fucked up but this is also Murder so i guess fair game

- more nasty shit. like, yknow.... assault? pretty young ladies wandering the forests, shit gets nasty, eeeewwwww. i dont want it, but it could explain stuff. itd especially help explain why the Survivor would hide the body, beyond the obvious. kinda gross, kinda dont want it because of my personal preferences, but it COULD work

- genuine accident. itd make it less questionable, but itd also ruin the idea that the Woman acted out of ‘self defence’ if it was an accident. shit gets rough and goes too far? like they push the girl around and she trips and hits her head? but again, ruins the narrative if harm wasnt intended. harm has to be intended to the girl in order to justify the Woman’s actions

- honestly dunno. to keep her quiet? like, the idea here is that the hunters are doing Bad Shit, possibly the above or something not directly related to the women, that they end up bearing witness too. like, illegal shit. or just very damning stuff, character wise. such as. idk.... honestly dont know. maybe something related to status? burying something they stole? it could work that way. Then the idea is that the girl is specifically outspoken in calling out and not taking their bullshit excuses, and the hunters decide to keep her quiet, resulting in her death while her friend (the Woman) watches in fucking disbelief. itd be interesting if the hunters had committed a crime that led them to commit that crime, yknow?

thats about it. ofc it needs a lot of though. i think the accident angle is out, though an aspect of it can be included in others, especially for some characters. for instance the Survivor, who was clearly not strictly involved, hence him being spared. he was complicit, hundo percent, but he could easily see the whole thing as a tragic accident. perspective and stuff. i think the Prank is also out because thats fucking stupid. leaving Gross Nasties and Covering Up.

both could easily justify the Womans actions, i feel. Nasties would be her friend being yucked while the woman is prevented from intervening, and when the yuck goes too far and the woman’s friend dies, she flips (understandably). and in that context, the argument can also be made for them possibly doing the same to her, yknow. that’d play in.

cover up would be the two of them coming across something suspect that the hunters have done/are doing, and the woman’s friend being attacked for witness. in that, the woman would be simply held down quietly because shes a much more quiet character and would submit quickly to prevent danger, while her friend would refuse despite her exhaustion. so then the hunters would pull their weapons to force her to submit, and then it goes too far (theres the accident angle) and the woman flips. and again, the aspect of whether or not after essentially torturing her friend, whether theyd do the same to her. 

i think Cover Up might be easier to spin w/ murder, as itd be easier to prove. as in, the woman’s body would show clear signs of this, bloodstained gashes in clothes and shit. whereas Nasties could be a little harder to prove as murder, since, well, i know exactly what Nasty im thinking of and idk how long that sort of evidence would last in a ditch. i mean, there shit down there that at least partially preserves her, but STILL.

the issue w/ Cover Up is that i need to work out what started it. as in, what the hunters were doing. like, theyre out hunting, yea, but what are they hiding? it has to be something worth killing over. it cant be too petty. its not another murder, thats for sure. a theft? a theft of a valuable item? either personal or general monetary. but it also couldnt be TOO important, because then theyd look harder for it. though, if it IS valuable, would they go looking in a ditch? probably not. cause the idea is that they were gonna bury it, right. but with the whole murder thing, the Survivor is disposing of evidence. chuck the body, chuck the goods, they arent worth it now, clitter clatter crack. plus, the idea is that the Survivor is more a lookout than actually perpetrating anything. still a cunt, but a lesser cunt. hes not invested in it personally, more on his friends’ behalf, and his friends are dead, so what does it matter? down the ditch, clitter clatter crack.

that could work. it could even explain how they finally find the body in the ditch - the body was more carefully disposed of, and the goods were just chucked. one of them missed, or remained closer to the surface, buried lightly under leaves and dirt until its found. meaning multiple goods. could work. what they actually stole isnt the important part, though - just the fact its worth killing a complete stranger for. OOH! oh fuck i had an idea. ok keep Cover Up as an idea but heres a second idea.

Robbery. they were robbing the two of them. theyre foreigners, a long way way from home, and well dressed beyond dirt and grime. maybe they were carrying something valuable, or valuable enough. nice jewellery, that sorta thing. the hunters, encountering this well dressed tired duo in the woods, offer to take them back to the village, but instead take them further with the intend to rob and kill. make the death look like an accident, claim they discovered the poor women, or just dispose of the bodies and sell the goods on the down low with no questions asked. both good. the former has the accident angle in, too, both deliberate and in how it ended up being incriminating.

so the women get taken further into the woods, and then the friend realises this, she makes a break for it. the Woman is quickly held so she cant flee, because she didnt react fast enough, and the girl is tackled to the ground and held down. the man holding the Woman quickly rifles through her pockets for her goods while she looks on in terror, as the other hunters hold her friend down and forcefully keep her quiet while robbing her too. ofc, as i said earlier, the friend is a lot louder and ‘feistier’ than the Woman, and shes not gonna let them rob her blind without a fucking fight. kick, scream, bite. eventually they start pulling weapons and threatening her with them, and its at this point that the Survivor starts having second doubts. this is when he steps back. he was probably gleefully robbing her, taking off jewellery and stuff, but oh shit, oh dear, oh god, this is going far. but, ofc, the friend isnt letting weapons stop her, until it HAS to stop her, because they start like. cutting and stabbing her. The Woman screams, the Survivor cries out, and thats the point where locals start going ‘hmm did you hear that martha? sounded like screams’ ‘i bet its just the boys being silly’

of course the screams will quickly escalate when the friend stops. brief silence as she stops struggling and screaming. the hunters proceed to rob her blind and gloat as the Survivor cautiously moves in closer. ‘You.... you killed her??????????’

crack. foosh. scchrrk. hunters dead, survivor yelling in terror, the Woman screaming in rage before running further into the woods. Survivor checks his friends, works out fairly quickly its too late, and proceeds to dump the body and clumsily toss the goods before starting to head back to the village, trying to carry one of his less-injured-but-still-totally-dead friends. open shut.

fuck. that works well. and its make the survivor at least a lil sympathetic while still being a cunt. a young man out of his depth, surrounded by older friends with more force. the thing is that its not premeditated. they didnt plan this encounter. they decided to go with it. so the Survivor is similarly trapped in it and mostly non complicit. he starts helping rob the friend because his friends say so. ofc, that doesnt excuse the fact that once everything is said and done, he disposes of the body and the evidence of their crime, and frames it all on a woman they attacked. perjury and shit. broke the law. cause like, yea, hes doing it to help his friends, but his friends ARE dead, nothing is actually keeping him there, because he checked on his friends before disposing of evidence. still a cunt, yknow.

this works. i like this. well, ok, i dont, its fucking murder, but narratively i mean, i dig the shit out of this idea, make the hunters actual criminals here. means the posthumous establishment of character has to establish their forcefulness and violence.

another thing - how many hunters? based on the scene above, at least 3. one to hold the Woman, one to hold the friend, and another to rifle her pockets. the Survivor helps to rifle pockets, but hes separate. thats 4 guys overall. that seems a fair amount for a hunting party. fuck. this is good. i like this. initially, in the dreams and shit, there were 4 dead hunters, but 3 works just as well and makes less work for me as a writer. i like this a lot.

[cielospeaks]

another meme w my ship i guess?

1) Who rocks the Ferris Wheel seat and who flips out and begs them to stop?

- absolutely moz. this is why were banned from the riesenrand and i have to take all my selfies next to the dinosaur ride or jack the heckin ripper. tho id less beg him to stop and more just dig my hecking fingernails into his arm/sides

2) Who is always horny and will have sex at any time, at any place and at any time?

- also moz. are most all of these going to be “its moz” i think so. tho id say hed be down for it but also respects that i might not wanna start heckin in line for the supermarket

3) Who is more into taking showers/baths together? Who tries to make it relaxing and who tries to make it sexy time?

- id say both of us. tho the chore is who has to get it ready, we would kinda rotate it but japanese baths are like the best thing ever. regular baths are ok too. i feel like we’d both get kinda borderline sexy and borderline just chill when doing it. tho itd probably settle for a middle ground of just like fluffy intimacy and kissing n stuff

4) Who likes to walk around the house naked and who tells the other to go put some clothes on?

- tbh id say me? but id get too embarassed walking around naked w someone else in the house. i feel like the closest would be moz walking around in a bath towel or a short robe and me getting flustered

5) Who sleeps on the couch when they get into a fight?

- i think it depends. neither of us would kick the other out that is, i feel like whoever would get most heated or most upset would just go outside- not really to the couch bc thats where schuu sleeps (-me crying-) but eventually the other would go out to keep them company.

6) Who takes photos of the other while they sleep?

- idk honestly? we’d probably just take silly snapchats. moz would do those wake up prank videos probably. id probably sketch moz while hes sleeping and he wakes up to see me drawing and smiling warmly.

7) Who said “I love you” first? and who ends their arguments in a fight with “Because I love you”?

- definitely moz. im too flustered. i think saying “daisuki” or even “aishiteru” would be easier for me than saying “i love you”, but even that would be a massive amount of confidence to do. hed say it in passing and id just be shooketh there like “...alele?” i dont think either of us would end arguments w that tho, like if it was something that was harmful id say that but more indirectly

8) Who likes to wear the others sweatshirts?

- oh gosh im imagining him in my sweatshirts or coats. he finds that old psyo one i had in high school and is running around wearing it like “its so warm!” i blush like crazy and chase after him. telling him about my high school days would really be something. but i feel like hed be like “so thats why you think you cant be liked! well too bad youre wrong bc i love you!” rip me

9) Who wakes the other up in the middle of the night to tell them a cool dream they had? Who has the most nightmares, and who sings them back to sleep after?

- we both would. tho i feel like i would do that since i have weird ass dreams and saying them when i wake up helps me remember. moz has nightmares for sure, probably traumatic ones of his past memories. the worst to not really surprise are of dying or of his family dying. usually if it happens i gently shake him to wake him up and he might get close to activating requiem or even start to do so but once hes conscious i just give him a big hug, hed be exhausted afterwards from the absolute realness of it and i would try my best to sing something- wind and the rain probably. idk. or jellyfish song. thsoe are like the only two soothing songs i know. if i have a nightmare its some stupid realistic shit like about high school, music, or school anxiety, and im a little embarassed he takes so much time to look after me during/after it but feeling his comforting presence makes me mind less

10) Who is more likely to cheat?

- honestly? i dont really think it would apply. if he meets someone else nice im 110 percent ok w an open relationship. and his flirting i dont really mind at all tbh. i think if i end up giving off the polite personality mistaken for flirting sorta thing hed be totally understanding and realize before i did tbh

11) Who makes fun of the other for having a crush on them, and who has to remind them that they are in a relationship?

- definitely moz. “you have a crush on me, thats cute” “we’re dating”

12) Who starts a food fight in the kitchen?

- absolutely moz. that or i spill something and say an apology but then he picks up a pack of spaghetti and yells “food fight!”

13) Who initiates duets? and who is the better singer?

- moz for sure. i can keep a tune decently but his voice is cute af. id nervously ask to do a duet. we do opera duets or okaasan to isshou songs there is no in between. and sometimes both at the same time. maybe. thats a lie we probably also do like anything else.

14) Who starts the hand holding? Who grabs the others butt? Who slides their arm around their waist? Who likes to put their fingers in the belt loops?

- i hesitantly start the hand holding, putting a hand out and looking away. im weak for hand holding. we both grab each others butts. id probably squeak when he does so. his butt is really nice tho. were both butt enthusiasts. i definitely hold his waist being the tiny little thing i am. he puts his fingers in my belt loops esp in the western au

15) Who likes writes the others name on their wrist?

- i dont really do this at all? tho id definitely scribble it down somewhere, and im not sure moz would do it either? i feel like hed be more likely to tho

16) Who is more seductive when they are drunk? and who is louder in bed?

- idk i guess ive only ever been “buzzed” before? but i think im really tired and loving when im under alcohol and id probably just be really cuddly. maybe seductive. just start nya-ing loudly. i cant say for myself in the second one so i think moz? i mean obviously not as loud as he could be for...... reasons but i love hearing him scream and moan

17) Who is more protective?

- idk? i think id be pretty protective of him esp in the sense of just making sure he doesnt hurt himself. if we do anything that might be dangerous? id go in front of him, esp if he was specifically in danger, even tho im weaksauce af. hed be less visually protective but hes not losing his loved ones again. not again

18) Who talks to the other while they are sleeping?

- probably both of us. we laugh about it when the other wakes up. when hes sleeping i brush his hair and tell him all the things i love about him. “awww thats sweet” “gosh dangit moz u werent asleep?”

19) Who drives and who has the window seat?

- i dont trust either of us to drive. micchan drives while the two of us sing along to the disney nightcore cd like the large children we are

20) Who falls asleep in the others lap and who carries them to bed?

- gosh i want this to be me carrying moz. but the other way around would be fun too. i want to hold him in my arms, hold that twinky little body and kiss his forehead

21) Who cuts the others hair?

- i wouldnt dream of cutting those luscious locks. hed probably trim my bangs for me tho

22) Who is super bad at sexting? and who sends them encouraging messages throughout the day?

- me for both of them. moz is either the worst or the best at these since everything he sends is potty humor but it somehow gets me even more motivated

23) Who thinks they are not good enough for the others love? and who’s more afraid of loosing the other? Who thinks they keep messing up, only for the other to tell them they don’t need to worry?

- i think im not good enough. i mean my competition is like the coolest person ever in his past life. moz is afraid of losing me, i am too but the pain of losing loved ones is so fresh in his mind. moz doesnt worry about messing up a lot, but i do, and every time i share a new thing about myself im worried about he smiles and says it makes him like me even more. rip me x2

24) Who starts random slow dancing with the other in the kitchen? Who holds the other just above the ground and kisses them?

- probably moz. he catches me swaying to a song and then sweeps me into a slow waltz. he can dip me any day. probably initiates the kisses too

25) Who says shitty puns and sex jokes just to see the other giggle and blush?

-for the puns, me, and the jokes him. i make the worst composer puns and he cracks up at the absolute worst of them. he makes the dirty jokes and keeps calling me lil tiger and im suuuuuper flustered

26) Who kissed first?

- definitely moz. im too nervous too even if i get my face up super close id probably freeze up. he laughs, leans in and cups my chin and does the smoochy smoochy. rip me x3 combo

27) Who orders take out at two in a morning? and who wakes the other up at three in the morning to go downstairs with them to get a glass of water because it’s too dark?

- i feel like these would be both of us. go to the conbini at 2am probably. and like idk eat ice cream or somethin. most likely for the second one one of woke up and needs to use the restroom so the other one whines sleepily that they want a drink “youre gonna have to pee” “i dont careeeeeee”

28) Who writes poems/stories and love songs about the other? Do they sing the songs the write for them?

- lmao i do love artwork. or like sing softly anime romance shit. moz catches on immediately and says its cute or teases me about the singing but then i kinda am like “...well those are my feelings”

29) Who does some crazy stunt to try and impress the other and who ends up driving them to the emergency room after it backfires?

- oh moz absolutely. usually more sexy things that poor dear. i have to help him out when things get out of hand. tho tbh im just as bad. like if he was getting back for something id wait outside all day and get a cold. then hed end up looking after me mwahaha but no rlly being sick stinks

30) Who is embarrassed when they have to wear their glasses and who thinks they look super cute?

- idk im not embarassed per se about wearing glasses but it would be a little nervous ish at first to wear them for the first time, esp if i dont usually. he thinks its cute and promptly steals the glasses and hides them to see me squinting around at everything.