#i saw her and spoke with her last in December bc i went to her house to wish her a HBD and give her her gift

[diobrando]

Alex didn't even send me a text yesterday lmao so much for being my best friend

[halfelven]

typical my life was fucked up stuff under the cut (csa)

i have quite high self esteem and self confidence which always surprises psychiatrists bc of my background but the thing is i don’t really know why i do? possibly out of spite? from pure necessity? byproduct of having to be as independent as i had to be?

i’m also not a people pleaser and i don’t really have social anxiety so it might stem from the idea that there was nothing i could do to get attention, affection, or help and the only person i could ever rely on was myself

i did use to hate myself and think a lot of the shit they told me about me was true, but i really like myself now and i don’t think my close friends all secretly hate me. i have to force myself to respect (good) authority and not think i’m better than other people. i think this probably does stem from the hyper independence. i also have to force myself to form attachments.

(this is one thing that i told my mother would happen to me in my ‘why i shouldn’t be this isolated’ presentations. i have referenced it in previous posts without admitting what it was since i don’t want to hurt people’s feelings by saying it is hard for me to form attachments or really care if someone stays in my life. it’s not consciously a choice to avoid hurt from people leaving, but it might be subconsciously that. i saw too many friends die as a child and then went into near total isolation and didn’t form any new relationships during a crucial time in child development—as i told my mother.)

i find it interesting how it is so different from what psychiatrists are expecting, but all my good drs have admitted there’s hardly any studies done on cases like mine, so there’s not that much to compare it to.

but my current dr doesn’t think i should do long distance therapy due to she thinks my therapist should closely monitor my body language and facial expressions.

(‘like what you’re doing with your hands,’ she says, as i glance down at how i’m twirling my thumbs round each other. i laugh since i knew that was one big thing she meant when she said it would be better in person. ‘yes, that makes sense, of course,’ i say. i smile at her, looking straight into her eyes and laugh again because i know the other thing she’s thinking and that we’re both not saying. ‘so much of trauma is held in the body,’ she says, ‘and long distance you can’t see more than the face. and you can’t mark changes.’ ‘of course,’ i agree.

i can’t remember our last appointment in february or the one before that in december. she tells me that both times i spoke clearly and was tidy and presentable. that she hadn’t noticed anything about me being completely gone. she asks if i was gone somewhere else. i truthfully tell her that i can’t remember most of the winter. nothing felt real and now most of it is dark.

she says i’m the perfect candidate for rehabilitation because i’m so driven and strong. that i need time to heal and establish myself. but i know what i want. i nod again. i know what i want. i don’t know who i am. she says my background was inhuman and inhumane. i nod and smile again. i haven’t smiled this much in weeks.

i tell her i’m glad i got the rehabilitation because i do know what i want and my studies will help me get it but i was scared that if i started therapy while expected to do full time studies i would just fall apart completely. ‘it’s going to be bad,’ i say. it’s going to get worse before it gets better. i push away images of inhuman cruelty that did not happen to me.

‘therapy is very hard,’ she says. ‘but it helps. no one would do it if it didn’t help. it’s too painful… unless they were extreme masochists!’ we both laugh. i have bruises running up my arm from bite marks.

i don’t get home before i break down crying in the park. i lean against a tree and cry. she’s telling me i’m getting real help, actual stability. i’m crying because that’s a mean joke to play on someone. it’s not real. and even if it were, i can’t grasp the concept of stability. i’ve never been able to plan my life more than a month ahead.

and nothing seems real anyway. i’m floating instead of actually stepping on the ground. i didn’t sleep last night and i have just come back from a funeral that reminded me that i have no one to turn to. it’s so warm, and it was still winter in the north. and i’m tired so all the light seems brighter.

nothing is real and i didn’t live through that hell. yesterday i read a sad, sad book and knew that it had to have happened. my denial, my memory working exactly like that. it couldn’t happen. it was too cruel. i couldn’t deny it longer. but today is real. of course it didn’t happen. nothing is real. i whisper old words in my mind, ‘this isn’t happening. this isn’t happening.’ so it didn’t happen. so it could never have happened. it wasn’t real then and it’s not real now.

and i fall apart for no reason, and they’re going to find out, and get mad at me for lying, and take away all my help and i’ll never be able to keep a job because i’m too dramatic and just want attention.

of course that’s not true. i know i couldn’t fake this. i’m too strong anyway. if it didn’t happen i would already have gone so far in life. become a surgeon or something. i’m too smart. too resourceful. too determined and independent and brave. it was something bad that made this. it just didn’t happen to me.

another doctor stared at me before and told me i had a fire inside me she had never seen before. and another doctor told me i had the strongest will he had ever seen. that sounds made up but it happened and i still don’t know what to think of it.

the one who called me strongest liked me so much that it was not at all professional. he told me that i was too self aware for him to be anything but entirely direct. and then he told me i was brilliant and had to go to grad school so my mind wouldn’t be wasted and that i would change the world. ((people who haven’t gotten off their computer in ten years will say it never happened.))

and i am sitting here today knowing that i have written a book that could probably help change the world. and it would also give my soul away, in a sense. it’s brutally raw and there’s not much that i’m hiding—there is some of course, but i would go insane if there wasn’t. and sure i’m brave. but am i that brave?

ever since i was a child i knew that i would always be hated. not because i was at my core entirely hateable but because i was always going to make so many enemies.

i heard their stories and what they wanted for the world, and i was going to make myself their enemy. an evil villain who they could focus some hatred on, get it away from people who didn’t want it. change others’ minds.

that’s not the part i’m scared of. it’s just going to be so hard to hear people who say they want to help csa victims say i survived wrong. coped wrong. got my sexuality wired wrong. and i’m not leaving that out because i know other people kill themselves over this. i’m sick of saying i’m sorry for being raped as an infant and coming out wrong. i’m not sorry.

i’m violent and angry. i’d like to torture him to death. and people say they want to do that for less. if you are stripped entirely of your pride and humanity what do you become?

at least he never broke me

[lilyswh0re]

in secret - adrian pucey x gryffindor!fem!reader

summary: what happens when the gryffindor and slytherin team finds out that their chasers are dating

note: y/n uses she/her pronouns but there’s no reference to her physical appearance or race. This would take place during COS/harry’s second year but no Voldemort or blood supremacy

warning: swearing, drinking

a/n: this is my first time writing in a while so i’m sorry if it’s not the best <3

a/n n°2 (july 12,2021) i’m editing this bc it’s 12:13 & i’m bored asf

a/n n3 (december 11,2021) i’ve basically rewritten this but the plot remains the same lol. dedicated to all the girls who’s crushes have never liked them back (this heavily directed at myself bc i’m lonely)

tags: @ghostofscarley @limerenze

The first person to find out was George Weasley and it had been an accident. He didn’t mean to barge into your dorm. He certainly didn’t mean to find you with Adrian’s head leaning on your hip as he helped you study.

“Do you know when— What the hell is this?” Adrian pushed himself away from you—cheeks tinted red, “Are you—” George spoke a bit louder than before as realization hit him.

“Yes, but you can’t tell anyone,” You stop him from raising his voice any further.

His laughter caused you two to look at each other in disbelief. Adrian found it amusing since if it had been up to him, everyone would have known within the hour of asking you to be his girlfriend. George might as well have been crying of laughter by the time he finished laughing. “I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thank you!” You sighed in relief. A part of Adrian wanted George to tell everyone and anyone who would listen. He knew it was possible considering the Weasley twins’ habits.

“But you better leave now because Fred’s gonna come looking for me and I told him I’d be here.”

Adrian quickly packed his things. He leaned in to place a kiss on your cheek as he started to leave but was stopped by George’s coughing. He was aware of how much George valued his “big brother” role and that overprotectiveness that was not going to leave any time soon (even if you are the same age).

“Thanks so much,” you smile weakly.

George groaned in response and tossed himself onto your bed, “Why him of all people? There are better people in Gryffindor tower and you went for HIM.”

“He put in all the effort. No one’s ever put in this much effort for me.”

He stood up and walked to the door, “You’re going to need to start telling people soon because once Fred finds out-”

“I know!”

While you and Adrian met during the night, in corridors, in the greenhouses, and any deserted place you could find, George did his best so that Fred wouldn’t see you two on the Marauders’ map.

“Pucey and Y/l/n are awfully close to each other.”

George’s efforts had been successful for a couple weeks. He stiffened at Fred’s comment, “I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.”

“Nah, he’s probably talking about their stupid brooms.”

George left out a silent sigh, “Yea, probably.” His shoulders dropped but clenched up again when Fred started questioning him.

He looked over at George, “What’s gotten into you?”

“Huh? Nothing! I’ve got to go.” He yanked the map from Fred’s hands and rushed off to where he had last seen you. He found you sitting against a wall, “Fred saw you two together.”

“How?” Adrian asked, standing up and pulling you to your feet.

“Doesn’t matter!” He strutted off.

“We’re screwed; Fred can’t keep his nose out of other people’s business.” You lean your forehead against Adrian’s chest, his hand rubbing your back.

“And if Derrick finds out, we’re even more screwed.” You can hear the repressed laughter in his voice.

You look up at him, mouth gaping in surprise, “You find this funny-”

He nods with a smile, “A bit.”

“I’ve got to go.”

“Hold on,” Adrian placed a warm kiss on your lips, his thumb brushing against your cheekbone.

• • •

“Why were you hanging around Pucey?” Fred asked at the next quidditch practice.

Unfortunately, Oliver overheard, “What did he want? He wasn’t talking to you about our new strategy, right?”

You rolled your eyes, “No.”

“So what’d he want?” Oliver asked again.

“Who wanted what?” Angelina strolled along next to you.

“Y/l/n and Pucey were next to each other the other day but she won’t let up and tell us why,” Fred said, adjusting his gloves.

“Why?” Angelina rolling her head to the side.

“Fuck, okay, he was bragging about their new brooms!” You groaned in frustration.

“I told you, Georgie!” Fred shouted over at George (who was near the other end of the field), “Pucey was bragging about the two thousand and one’s!”

“Oh- okay.”

“Can we drop this already?” You asked, desperately wanting to change the subject to anything besides your boyfriend.

“Yea, yea. Y/l/n, Angelina, and Alicia, go practice passing,” Oliver turned to Harry, “You, go get the snitch.”

Much to your relief (and George’s), Adrian wasn’t brought up again.

• • •

The second person to find out was Angelina Johnson, fellow chaser and friend.

You sat at your desk, staring at the History of Magic textbook in front of you. The class was particularly boring (and the professor just as much).

“Do you have an extra quill? Mine just broke,” Angelina huffed from your bed.

“Uh yea, check in the last drawer of my bedside table.”

Angelina kneeled down to open it when a green tie caught her eye, “Y/n, what’s this?” She picked it up with the end of her wand.

“What? Oh-” your jaw dropped as you saw the Slytherin tie dangling from her wand.

“Whose is this?” Angelina pressed on, excited to find out which Slytherin had been in her best friend’s dorm. A Cheshire cat- like smile spread on her face.

You tried your best to figure out a lie but it was useless, “Adrian’s,” you mumbled.

“What?!”

“We’ve kinda been dating since mid-summer-”

“-And you didn’t tell me?” She was astonished, “Does anyone else know?”

“George knows. We didn’t want to tell anyone but he kinda barged into my dorm and saw us studying together.”

“Tell me everything!” Angelina pulled you onto the bed.

You ran your tongue over the back of your teeth and obliged.

• • •

Now you found yourself in the Hufflepuff common room, celebrating their victory against Ravenclaw alongside your friends.

The smoke and lethal glow of the various cigarettes were nauseating and the fire-whiskey burned your throat.

A group of seventh years had brought up a drinking game—Russian roulette -- but shots of different alcoholic drinks replaced the empty slots and a shot of veritaserum in place of the bullet.

“Everyone—even if you’re not playing—has to close their eyes as we pour the truth serum into one of these goblets. You’ll pick a random goblet. And after you take a shot, you say the first name that pops into your head, and it cannot be your own. If it is your own, that’s how we know you’ve taken the shot with the veritaserum.”

You decided not to participate and watched as Oliver and Fred took a seat next to some Hufflepuffs. Across from them was a majority of the Slytherin team, including Adrian. Seeing him so comfortable and so aware of the possible consequences made the fire-whiskey in your stomach bubble and rise to your throat.

They went in a counter clockwise direction, every person had luckily not taken the defective goblet.

Finally, Adrian’s turn arrived. He chose the one directly in front of him.

“Name?”

“Adrian,” he answered immediately.

There was a wave of “oh’s” and you tried your best to hide your face behind your own goblet.

“Biggest secret?”

“Ah shit,” George whispered. You were too nervous to notice the slight amusement in his voice. The boy loved chaos and it was very apparent in that moment.

“‘Ah shit’ is very right,” you hissed, still trying to hide.

“Y/n,” you groan silently at the mention of your name.

Maybe I can slip out and no one will notice.

Of course they would notice, everyone’s eyes were darting between you and Adrian, “And I have been dating since summer,”

“WHAT!” Oliver shot up, not knowing whether to yell at you or strangle Adrian.

“Her of all people?!” Marcus also stood up, “She broke my nose, Adrian!”

“Finally!” gasped Angelina.

“You knew?!” Oliver yelled even louder, he turned back to Adrian who was now wearing an apologetic smile, “Are you dating her to get my quidditch plays?”

His smile dropped and stared at Oliver, “No.” His eyebrows furrowed with confusion as to how Oliver could’ve gotten that idea.

“How can I believe you?”

Idiot.

You rolled your eyes, “He’s on truth serum, it’s not like he can lie if he wanted to.”

Oliver looked over at you in disbelief, “Him? Really?” His face pale of disappointment.

“Yea…”

“Again, she broke my nose, why are you dating her?!” Marcus slapped Adrian’s shoulder.

“Oh that’s why I asked her out. Of course it took a while because she was always around her friends so I wrote her a letter instead.” he seemed to be oblivious to the creepiness of his statement.

No one dared to speak until Fred let out a laugh.

“What’s so funny, Weasley?” Flint asked roughly.

“It took you so long to figure it out. It doesn’t take a genius to know there was something going on. Y/l/n’s been acting like Percy since school started.”

Fred went on to list examples of how he caught on—the awful long glances at each other; the not so discreetly passed notes during class; walking suspiciously close together.

After the new (and apparently not so surprising) revelations, the Hufflepuff common room cleared out.

You sped off to Gryffindor tower with George, Fred, Oliver and Angelina right behind you.

You could hear Oliver whispering, “I can’t believe it,” under his breath and Fred, “Why him?”

Once you entered your common room, you were greeted by murmuring and people pointing in your direction.

“Can you at least explain-” Oliver called out.

“Nope! Gonna go to sleep now, bye!” You disappeared up the stairs to your dormitory.

• • •

The morning wasn’t any easier either. It seemed as though the entire school knew. You could see Terence Higgs, who was sitting at the far end of the Slytherin table, trying not to smile widely at his best friend’s girlfriend.

Oliver was still going on about how you were fraternizing with the enemy.

“Didn’t you have a crush on Flint for a while?” You asked, rubbing your forehead in frustration, wishing he would shut up.

Oliver looked anywhere besides you.

You felt a tap on your shoulder, “Hey.”

“Hi, Adrian.”

“Is this seat taken?” He glanced down at the empty spot next to you.

“Ye-” Oliver began.

“No, it’s not,” You shot a glare at Oliver.

“Great.” With that, he sat down, taking your hand into his and began helping himself to the food in front of him.

“Is this going to be a regular thing?” Angelina asked, hiding her smile behind a roll.

Adrian looked over at you, “Would you like it to be a regular thing?”

“Sure.” You smiled (which he gladly returned) and went back to eating.

[anothersebastianblog]

And we will never know what happened… it truly lasted too short. Of course some things that happened are undeniable and it could be that alissa distanced herself from him but im glad he is still friends with will. / personally i think belle and soho think seb's relationship with ellie was more serious than it actually was. One of them (I don't remember which one) thought that seb was going to marry ellie and their relationship (seb and ellie) was more serious than the actual relationship, and seb didn't even go to meet ellie's parents like he did with ale. They also think that seb got back together with ellie after december even though a friend of hers posted that she was single and rumors of her being with another man on easter. Belle even commented about ellie when she saw will's recent stories

It lasted less that a year? I don’t remember honestly because imo it wasn’t that serious.. even if the got back together after (which I think it didn’t happen) I don’t know what makes them think it was serious honestly

Bc she went with him in brasil? Bc they were spotted together officially twice? Bc if we are talking about protection he publicly spoke in defence of his gf with margo ONLY and that margo was different we know but he also learned a lot from that time of his life and that doesn’t mean that if he will never comments about his gf defending her means it’s not serious … but at the same time nothing about that particular rs gives clues he was about to have children with her lmao

People started to bring up ellie and margo only bc he is with ale. When he was with ellie they hated her and bring up margo to make comparison.. when he was with mago they bullied her and bring up LEIGHTON lol

[plush-anon]

You worked at joanns? 😍 dream job

In all fairness, a large part (and I do mean a LARGE part) of why I enjoyed working at Joanns were the managers.

The store manager was a guy named Richard, one of maybe two or three men who worked there total, and this man was practically a saint as far as retail goes.

This was a man who would, with no hesitation, get on the floor to help customers, or hop on the registers to check customers' purchases out, or pop on to the cutting counter to cut fabric. He remembered the names of regulars, would chat and smile while getting shit done, and was the type of guy to speak slowly and softly when we had shitstains explode at us measly peons for not giving them the full cost of an item back in a return (ex $200) when they used a coupon to purchase an item to begin with and only paid a portion of the cost (ex. $150). No joke, this actually happened to me on Black Friday with a man who stood at about 6 foot with a crewcut and a snarl (the military Karen, if you would)

Richard, of course, stood at about 6 foot 5 inches, and reminded me of a ginger grizzly bear in some ways. Very few customers continued to be assholes when they asked to speak to the manager and Richard came over, smiling wide. He encouraged us to chat with the customers while we worked the cutting counter - it was a good way to learn about what they were making, encouraged general conversation and lent itself to a better environment for everyone, worker and customer alike, so we weren't just awkwardly standing in silence the whole time.

The assistant store manager (aka his second in command - we had two other assistant managers, but she wielded more power than both of them) was Farrah, and she was basically Cool Wine Aunt, but with weed. She was open about smoking it (but not in a pressure-the-underlings kind of way, but more of a 'yeah, it calms me down' kind of way) but never on the clock, and was just really chill in general. She was also a 'jump on the registers' type of manager, and on occasion would take the closing staff out to get a drink from the texmex place next to us in the shopping center, and cover one for each of us - particularly during the Holiday Clusterfuck of October, November, and December (their Frozen Kahlua Mudlslide was my alcoholic drink of choice - they also had these spicy chicken strips that were amazing with it, but I digress).

Both of them were amazing people who would support and back us up without hesitation (if they weren't dealing with corporate or stock trucks coming in), and both routinely worked 15 to 20 hours UNPAID overtime during the Holiday Clusterfuck so that we the underlings could get more hours without Corporate jumping up our ass about going over budget.

They were also refreshingly upfront in our monthly meetings about profits and meeting them, as well as why company policy was the way it was, and how to work within the boundaries so we got more hours. One of my favorite moments was when they said the fabric sales essentially covered their own cost (production and delivery); the rest of the cheap crap in the store was what covered our paycheck and electricity, so hawk it as much as you can if you want extra in the bank (paraphrasing here, but that's not that far off what they actually said tbh).

With some Karen-y exceptions, the customers were honestly pretty chill. There were two women from a nearby church who bought well over 200 yards of cut fleece to make no-sew fleece blankets for children and the poor in December (it took forever to do, but they were so cheerful about it and told some funny anecdotes in between, kept the counter clear as soon as they were cut, etc. Took them three carts to haul everything to the register XD).

There was the slew of quilters making everything from baby blankets to anniversary gifts to quilts for their grandkids attending the local university that they could wear to football games in the colder weather, while still showing team pride. They always bought quarters and eighths and the end of the bolt for half price, digging thru our remnants bin for something they might have missed they could get for half price. They always talked about what they were working on, and spoke in great detail on their kids or cousins or niblings or grandkids. I saw so many pictures on phones, in wallets, and they loved them to absolute pieces.

There were cosplayers making their first costume to comicon, halloween goers trying their hand at making their own outfits, and a few furries making custom suits for order or just updating their own personal outfit. There were the usual school and church Christmas plays that needed costumes, and folks making custom table runners and place settings for family holiday meals.

One notable young man bought out 30+ yards of our 65" inch wide bolt felt for JEWELRY projects he was making as a part of his business and as a part of his art program (you can major in art with a concentration in jewelry making, and he was using it for that). He didn't leave a card, but the pictures he showed us were STUNNING.

We had a few elderly mothers come in with their daughters, to pick out fabrics so they could make their own wedding dresses, or quinceanera outfits, or veils; they showed us the patterns they had, or the pictures they were basing the designs off of, and all of them were STUNNING. (One came back in with the finished dress in the bag, this intricately beaded poofy dress that had to have taken days, hot pink and shiny).

We had local restaurant owners pop in for re-upholstery projects and curtains and vinyl; same with teachers and deck dads and furniture restoration workers that would gush about the design, what they had planned. Some would bicker with their spouses on the pattern, but it felt good-natured on the whole.

We had some elderly men come in to peer over our sewing machines - "How much it run for? My wife's birthday is coming up and her old machine's about done, and I want to surprise her. She had a Singer, but she hates the electronic screens on some of these newer ones, they hurt her eyes." - and moms coming in to sew some custom bed sheets for their kids - "My son really likes the new My Little Pony show, but he's a little shy about it. Do you think the blue's okay? Only he like yellow more, but they don't have any back there and he doesn't MIND blue really but - Actually scratch that, how wide is the fabric? My pattern says it needs to be at LEAST 22 inches wide, does it say on the box?" - and people coming up with some WILD craft ideas that were always a delight to hear them gush about - "So this MAY seem crazy, but I can turn these plastic pumpkin trick-or-treat pails into SNOWMEN heads with felt like this. We fill them with treats for the kids since we don't have a fireplace and they like it fine, but someone said I should sell these on Etsy and people really like them! But I've run out of pumpkins, and you have NO idea how happy I am that you guys still have some left."

The group we had to work with was also pretty crafty; a few were chronic call-outs, some a bit lazy, some perpetually done-with-this-nonsense, but we were mostly on the same page on shift, and all of us were crafty as heck. The employee discount was a blessing AND a curse, lemme tell you.

Stock was the best part, for me. Hours before the store opened at 9 AM, we would rip open the boxes and stuff everything onto the shelves, organizing anything the closing shift missed the night before along the way, updating new stickers or shuffling pegs over for new product arrangement, etc. We could listen to music or podcasts as we worked, and I ended up impressing some of them bc of how fast I tore through everything some mornings (the music definitely helped out there).

I was actually about to be promoted to assistant manager after 6 months, but then I got my job with the university, and they had federal health benefits AND dental, so... yeah, no contest there. Richard actually laughed when I told him I'd been hired at the university and was giving my two week notice, since it meant he didn't have to do the slew of paperwork that accompanied new assistant manager hires. He congratulated me on the job, especially the health benefits - he said that was a perk worth leaving any job here for. I nearly cried with relief that he wasn't mad.

He and Farrah chipped in and got me a small music box that plays Man of La Mancha's Dream the Impossible Dream on my last day. It still sits on my desk at work.

It was honestly my favorite retail job out of the bunch I've suffered through. Surprising at first, since I initially received a rejection email bare HOURS after my interview with Farrah, but about a month later (as I trawled endlessly through interview after interview, desperate for anything those first few months ), I got a call back from them asking if I was still interested (which I was, bc hey a job!). They remembered me specifically bc I had missed my bus to the interview, called ahead to let them know I would be late, then walked the whole way there in the rain to get there. (It was only about a mile and a half away, so not a terrible journey, but flooding is an issue in our flat-ass city; I looked like a drenched afghan hound holding a useless umbrella, so enjoy that imagery).

They were particularly impressed by the calling-ahead part.

Unfortunately, both of them ended up moving on to different paths over the year after I left - apparently they had been friends with benefits (? I say hesitantly, since I ran into one of my coworkers at an art show later on and she spilled the beans there - she was a bit flighty in nature though, and got caught up in gossip a LOT, so who knows. Lovely brocade custom projects though), and his ex girlfriend had called corporate on them and got both fired.

I think Farrah came back some time later, but the damage was done after that - the new manager came in and operated SOLELY to corporate policy. A LOT went to pieces in terms of store cleanliness, order, and general camaraderie after that - the new fabric counter folks look and sound dead inside, and barely interact with customers (not even a 'whatcha making' in passing, which is kind of sad - the stories I got helped to pass the time, and kept me from using up all of my Set Conversation Phrases for customers that actually WOULD leave us standing in silence). Corporate also stopped some of the smaller store policies that made our job easier and gave the customers a little something extra (the 'end-of-the-bolt' discount - if, after the customer orders say, 2 yards of fabric on the bolt, and there's say, a half yard "remnant" left on the bolt, we can sell them the remnant for half-price. A LOT of quilters LOVED this, and we did too, since it saved us from filling out the remnant tag and printing a sticker later on).

Just goes to show how important good management is in a business; especially when it can kick a store previously part of the top 50 stores in the NATION (while being a medium store at that - smaller place, NOT Hobby Lobby size like the Large stores) to something much less pleasant. I could be rose-goggling the situation thought - retail is still retail, no matter how nice some aspects are - but it still sticks with me as to how good he experience was even taking into account that it WAS minimum wage retail.

Food for thought, lads, food for thought.

[klarolinedrabbles]

What are some of the tvd to fandoms greatest hits so to speak... I was only in it for a short time and then jumped out because I couldn't stand to

Oh, well allow me to be your guide. This will be under a read more because I already know, I’m gonna write a whole essay. Shout out to my ride or die @hellsbellschime.

I don’t think any overtly crazy happened during the good!TVD years. No wait, I’m lying.

The year the spin-off got announced, I believe it was tvguide, that posted an article with like info tidbits for currently airing shows. And one of them, was that Hayley was pregnant with Klaus’ kid. I remember this shit so clearly, man. Everyone was so confused. And then they were like SURPRISE, APRIL FOOLS. Because it was in fact April 1st. So ha-ha we all had a laugh, great. Fastforward to what, late April? Episode 4x20 airs, and it’s exactly what happened???

That whole day btw, the day the backdoor pilot for TO aired was just insanity. I’ll say that about a lot of days in this answer, but that day was really just something else. Like we were delirious, that’s the only way I can explain what happened on here. It was a nightmare but also one of the funniest night’s I’ve ever spent on here. I gotta go back for old time’s sake and reblog some of the shit from that night because we all snapped. And not in the good way. 

The TVD 100th. Now, we knew Joseph was coming back for that episode so they hype was real. Because up until that point, we’d gotten a huge load of nothing in regards to Klaroline. They released a trailer, a short one, that’s still in my favorites folder on youtube to this day. I rewatch it all the time because it’s iconic. And there was literally .002 seconds of Klaroline. It’s Caroline standing and then Klaus says “hello, caroline” and everyone lost their shit so much when it dropped that ‘hello caroline’ trended ww on twitter. 

THE DAY THE NETWORK THAT AIRED TVD IN AUSTRALIA AIRED A PROMO WITH THE KLAROLINE KISS IN 5X11. ICONIC. I literally woke up, logged on at around 11 AM my time, and my dashboard was on fire. It was the BEST. We didn’t know wtf to do, it was amazing. 

Paleyfest. Ohhhh buddy, lemme tell ya. So TVD/TO got chosen to have the CW panel’s at Paleyfest that year. Everyone was on a bit of edge because TO to that point was what, almost done with S1 and Klaroline had been given the mega cold-shoulder despite being the very thing other than the Mikaelson’s that got used to lure people in? After the pregnancy plot from hell, everyone was ready to peace tf out, but we got halted because it was a ‘ohh of course it’s gonna continue’ then they tried to nip Klaroline in the bud with 5x11 and no one was having it. So Paleyfest was where we were gonna get some ANSWERS, DAMMIT. I live on the east coast and the festival was held in the west coast so I wasn’t awake when it was happening. I remember making a post about how ‘going to sleep, and hoping when I woke up the answers were good.’. So I went to sleep, woke up a few hours later like 2-3 AM my time, and checked my blog and the first message I had was ‘don’t wake up stephanie, everything is a mess, stay asleep where everything’s fine’ I—

The gist of that was, they basically set JoMo up to be the bad-cop in shutting down Klaroline. He gave this long answer that made absolutely zero sense. The girl who asked the question about Klaroline, who was like 13 at the time, got called a bully for even asking a question at an event she paid to be at. A mess. And JP was like NO CROSSOVERS, ORGANIC, BLAH BLAH. And Paul was sitting next to her going “why can’t the show’s just intersect”, he was right and he said it. 

I can’t remember if this was S1 or S2, but somebody tweeted something and Carina replied ‘when you’re found dead in your basement with klaroline written on you this is why’ or something like that, that was a ~fun~ night. And then like half an hour later she was like “I’m sorry, I’ll never tweet about Klaroline again just leave me alone” if you’ve ever seen this fandom refer to ourselves as basement dwellers, this night is why. 

NARDUCCI. Can’t forget him. Talk about a man who just didn’t get it. And I don’t mean Klaroline, he just didn’t get anything, nothing in his head has ever clicked, I’m convinced. He used to pick fights on twitter repeatedly. Admitted once that he missed his flight because he was on twitter…arguing with a fan. AND ONE DAY, he decided to just—snap. Went on this hours long tirade against the Klaroline fandom, essentially calling everyone stupid because no one was appreciating the ‘art’ of the show. So when I say it lasted hours, I mean that. Now, you’d think, that he would be done, right? WELL, apparently that wasn’t enough, so the next day, he continued. I remember because I was in this gc on whatsapp, and I remember Erika sending a message to the gc going “omg, Narducci vs KCers round 2″ when I tell you I screamed. The man went on a two-day rampage against this fandom and it was insane. 

S6/S2 of TVD/TO was not a fun time. I can genuinely say it was borderline a chore to come on here during that time. It wasn’t fun, every day someone was in argument with someone from production on twitter. Truly the worst year of the fandom, imo. So S7/S3 rolls around and that’s where shit went nuclear. 

Hillary and I, are minding our own damn business, when someone come’s to us with information regarding the new seasons. This was post-SDCC, so it’s like the lull of September, waiting for the seasons to start in October. And we get approached with information, talkin bout how Caroline’s gonna be pregnant with Alaric’s twins in S7. When I tell you we didn’t know wtf to do. And we had to like wait on confirmation about it but then we found out it was legit and we were pissed. Literally ask us if we wanted to be in the spoiler game, the answer is no tf we did not. And she and I basically spent two days complaining. LIKE UGHHHH WE DON’T WANNA DO THIS, BUT ALSO THIS IS DISGUSTING, WE CAN’T JUST LET THEM SPRING THIS ON EVERYONE, BUT AGHH WHY US. So we chose collectively, as a duo, because das my other half yo, to blab. 

That went over as best as anyone could hope for it to go. Now, flashforward yet again, this time to around late Novemeber/December. I had been sent word that something was going down. TVD/TO lost their Thursday slots and got bumped to Friday’s, so a plan was going on, and they made one. We’d heard that they were rearranging something mid-season because they were gonna make a crossover work, publicly we found out it would be Paul and JoMo that crossover back-to-back. THEN ONE NIGHT—I call it black friday bc  that day was a fucking mess—, a friend of mine was friends with an SCer, I wanna say, and she was hearing word that the crossover did have Klaus and Caroline interact via phone call, but that it was very definitively an ending. Because they spoke about Camille and Stefan, etc, etc. Like a closing of the book type thing. So okay, we were like devastated, everyone on twitter was losing their shit. Everyone was pissed, and @-ing the writers all these crazy, sad things, we were a wreck. Ask Hillary about this night because she, I remember, describes it as ‘logging on and reading what everyone else had and not understanding why tf everyone was mad about it’. It was the first and last time that our roles were reversed, and bless her for it. 

SO WE’RE SITTING THERE, it’s Saturday, and we kept getting more information and we were like…something isn’t right here. So we did a bit of digging, spoke to a few people and waited it out. LO AND BEHOLD, everything we’d heard about the phone call was false. There was a phone call but the CKers and SCers were so mad about what was actually said in it, that a few of em, ring leaders of the feeble minded, made up a version and passed it around their fandoms as legit till it eventually worked it’s way over to us. So we all jumped the gun on fake information, lmfskdnknsks. Rumor has it, you can still hear Hillary yelling ‘I told you so’ at me through our group chat. 

So all was well, I couldn’t tell everyone why not to panic, just that they didn’t need to. Until, this account popped up called tvdspoiler or something on twitter, also saying false information about the phone call. Sending everyone into a panic yet again. I remember this because I was at  kmart with my mom, and the kmart by my house was in a basement so I had no cell service. I was able to send like a couple of messages, and was basically like ‘tell everyone to chill, I’ll clear it up when I get home’ did that in like a couple of hours cause then I had to leave to the midnight showing of the force awakens with my friends. So that day was chaotic, but fun. It was the first time I reached 99+ messages on my inbox, lmao. 

So that all happened like a good while before we actually saw the episode. But cut to a few weeks later. I woke up at 1 AM my time to drink water, was on tumblr trying to go back to sleep. I checked my inbox and there was this bizarre message talking about ‘got some scoop’ and they were like ‘Finn dies in 3x17, Aurora gets put into some weird sleeping spell in 3x18, Camille and Davina die in 3x19, Lucien dies in 3x20′ and I quite literally laughed??? Literally who wouldn’t. Like who tf would ever believe TO had the balls to do all of that when they never killed anyone off. AND, WHO WOULD BELIEVE THAT SOMEONE WOULD JUST STOP BY, SHARE IT AND LEAVE. So I sent a screenshot to Hillary and was like ‘yo did you get this because wtf’. We often got duplicate messages. And we often got messages of people who were pissed about the two previous times we, from the klaroline fandom of all places, had legit info that wound up being true, that they were just waiting for us to fuck up. So we used to get messages of people pretending they were sharing info, and it was just antis trying to make us look stupid. 

SO, Hillary says ‘just answer it because it’s obviously fake’ top ten moments before disaster. I answer it and am like oh haha, and where did that info come from. And they came back like a minute later, saying ‘I have a source’ THEN THEY ELABORATED. They mentioned that Lucien drags Freya and Vincent to Mystic Falls to do this spell with some bullet and etc. So at that point we were like fUCK because that same day we’d found out was in 3x16, which ended with Lucien and this white-oak bullet, having kidnapped Freya. And that’s when we knew, that someone showed up in the middle of the night, spoiled the whole back-half of TO S3—and then left.

The back-half of S3 was so fun??? Every week the info just kept coming true. On the wikia everyone hated me, probably the most anti messages I ever had was during that time, honestly it was great, 10/10 would recommend. 

THEN, at some point in our blog history, Hillary had been getting quite a few messages about PT. And she had this fucking line in one of the messages about Phoebe’s pronunciation with her accent for the show, or lack thereof. And she said “weeches and woves will always have a place in my heart” SO THEM PHOEBE TWEETED IT. THAT EXACT LINE, and we were like was she...? So we shrugged off okay. A few days later, she tweeted “hellsbellschime enough, there’s plenty of other things to watch on tv, I hear mad men’s great.” And I—

THIS WAS ON SOME RANDOM ASS SUNDAY. Like I was lounging around, waiting for the new episode of game of thrones and then WHAM, chaos. AND AS IF THAT WASNT ENOUGH, Leah joined in too. Putting a target on my friends back...about her blog that no one was making them read. You can’t make that shit up. And Jenn actually replied to Phoebe’s tweet and got a reply back, and she was all “you’re right, I’m sorry” and then deleted the original tweet, which I still have a screenshot of btw. And then Leah showed up in Hillary’s inbox with this ridiculous three part ask about how she shouldn’t criticize women in the acting industry because of how hard it is for women in that industry which is true, but it doesn’t make you exempt from criticism??? So not sure where she meant to go with that one.

SO THERE WE HAVE IT, our fandom’s greatest hits. I’m sure I can elaborate and insert more, but I’ve been typing for a good 40 minutes. 

Told ya, I wrote a whole dissertation, lmaooo.

[stupidlytender]

Dude I just went through your crush tag and now I need to know about her!

so she started coming to my school in like? october? not to be all evak but i saw her on her first day and i was like *eyes emoji*. i never spoke to her bc i just go all sdgsdhsfgsf when im around her! and THEN in november when our gsa started and she CAME and i was like oh shit oh shit! shes not straight!!!!!!! i have a chance!!!!!! she’s so TALL (taller than me and im Tall) and she wears all black and dyes her hair funky colours so i was kinda intimidated at first! but now i know her better,,,, shes one of the kindest, sweetest, tenderest people i know :D she always holds open the door for me and lets me go first like,,,,,,,, that gives me such a fucking RUSH idk why!!!!! in december i was like,,,, im gae for you,,,,,,, and she was like,,,, bitch me too the fuck,,,,,,, it was So Wild to have my feelings reciprocated,,,,, this year we’ve been hanging out more, getting to know one another more and its so fun!!! she funny and cute and kind! i love spending time with her

[islamthewayforward]

Jesus (peace be upon him)  One of the Mightiest Messengers of God

Quick Introduction

Prophet Jesus sent to Israel and the Holy Quran also reported the name of the prophet. He is the fifth of the six prophets, who are the highest among the prophets and are called the Ululazm. His mother is Hazrat Maryam. Allah created him without a father. He was born in Jerusalem. He became a prophet at the age of thirty. The book called the Bible was sent to him. At the age of thirty-three, he was raised to heaven alive. He will descend on the earth close to the doomsday.

Hazrat Maryam – Mother of Jesus (PBUH)

Maryam Hatun, mother of Jesus (PBUH), was a righteous and clean lady from the descendants of Suleiman aleyhisselam. When Hazrat Maryam was fifteen years old, she was engaged to a person named Yusuf-i Neccar. But before marrying him, Allah announced that he would give a child without a father to Hazrat Maryam.

The Birth of Jesus (PBUH)

Hazrat Maryam, with the command and power of Allah, became pregnant with Jesus. After a while, normal pregnancies began to appear. Seeing these situations, the Israelites began to gossip. They made various slanders and said things that would not come to mind and would not be taken into account. Unable to tolerate these rumors, Hazrat Maryam retreated to Bayt-i Lahm, a quiet town about 10 km south of Jerusalem. Considering that everything happened with the discretion and can of Allah, she was patient with people's words about herself.

As the birth of Jesus (PBUH) approached, she came under a dried date palm tree while walking in the garden of his place. She leaned against this tree as her labor pains intensified. The dried date palm tree on which he leaned turned green. Although the season was winter, it bore fruit. Under his feet, a little water channel began to flow. This situation comforted Hazrat Maryam. Meanwhile, Hazrat Isa came to the world. When Jesus (PBUH) was born, all idols within the east and west were destroyed and fell to the bottom . The demons were surprised by this situation. Finally, their elders, Iblis, informed them that Jesus (PBUH) had come to the world. When he was born, a great star appeared in the sky.

Jesus Talks in the lap of Mary

The Israelites, who learned that the Prophet Jesus was born, came to Bayt-i Lahm. When saw the newborn child in the lap of Hazrat Maryam, they said;

“O Mary! What is this? You came here doing a really ugly job. Where did you get this child, even though you were a very young girl but without a husband? What a wonder and wonder is this? "

The Holy Virgin listened patiently to all or any that was said. She didn't answer at all. But; pointed to the Prophet Jesus.

“Let him inform you of the reality of the matter. Talk to him. Ask him and understand! "

When they said that the child in the arson could not speak, Jesus Christ, who was in the arson, raised his hand and said:

“O ignorant ones! Do not attack my high reputation and condemn my mother. Surely, I am the servant of Allah. He will give me the book and make me a Prophet. Wherever I was, he made me blessed and ordered me to pray and give zakat as long as I was alive. He made me respectful of my mother ... On the day I was born, on the day I die, and on the day, I will be lifted alive, my salvation is upon me. "

The Israelites, who were amazed at how Prophet Jesus spoke, seemed to swallow their tongues. They couldn't say anything. Despite this, they did not refrain from making the said-code and making various slanders. They did not hesitate to make various slanders.

Life Before Prophethood

The governor of Damascus of the Roman emperor wanted to kill the two of them because he was born without a father. His mother took him to Egypt. They stayed in Egypt until the Prophet Jesus was twelve years old. Then they came to Jerusalem again and settled in the city of Nasıra.

Prophethood and the Background of Killing Plan

When he turned thirty, he was declared a Prophet by the will of God. When his prophetic order was announced, he immediately started preaching. He wanted people to believe in Allah and to follow His orders and avoid his prohibitions and rebellion.

The Israelites did not accept this invitation. Jesus (PBUH) showed miracles to non-believers. Although Jesus (PBUH) made a great effort, very few people believed. Just as the Israelites didn't believe him, they opposed his invitation and have become angry day by day. Seeing the softness of Jesus Christ, they did not believe. They even went further and attempted to kill the Prophet Jesus. Thereupon, the Prophet Jesus took a word from the twelve people named as apostles, whom he chose among those who believed in him, that they would believe and worship Allah and help him.

Killing Plan

A group of Jews spoke to Isa (PBUH) and his mother Hazrat Maryam. When Jesus (PBUH) heard this, he made a curse about them. Allah accepted this prayer and turned those who prolonged his tongue to Jesus and his mother into monkeys and pigs.

Seeing this situation, the Jews discussed the event among them. All of them agreed to kill the Prophet Jesus. They started looking for Prophet Jesus. They tricked the Roman Emperor's Governor of Jerusalem Jones Pilot to believe that Jesus was against the Roman Empire which he was trying to determine a replacement government in Palestine.

The Last Talks of Jesus (PBUH)

For the last time, Jesus had a secret conversation with his Apostles one night and said to them, “Before the rooster crows (that is, before the morning) one of you will deny me and sell me for small money.”. In fact, the Apostle named Yahuda took some money from the Jews before morning. He informed the whereabouts of the Prophet Jesus.

So-Called Crucifixion

When Jesus entered the house with the Jews to catch the Prophet, Allah likened Yehuda to Isa. The Jews also caught him, saying Jesus (PBUH), and killed him by hanging him on the cross (crucifixion). Allah raised Jesus (PBUH) to heaven. Jesus (PBUH) was thirty-three years old at this point.

The Events after Jesus (PBUH)

Forty years after Jesus (PBUH) was raised to heaven, the Romans attacked Jerusalem. They killed most of the Jews and captured some of them. They plundered the city. They burned their books. As punishment for what they did against Jesus, they became despicable.

Christians’ Belief Vs. Muslims’ Belief

Christians believe that Jesus (PBUH) fell to the cross and died there, but then rose to heaven.

Muslims, on the other hand, believe that Jesus alaihis-salam was lifted directly to the sky.

This matter Quran 'In the 158th verse of the chapter of an-Nisa, it is stated as follows:

“They did not hang him, they did not kill him. On the contrary, Allah raised him to his level.”

In addition, it was stated in the hadiths:

“Jesus (aleyhisselam) did not die. He will return to you before doomsday. ",

"I am the closest of the son of Mary to Jesus (aleyhisselam) within the world and therefore the hereafter."

" there's no other prophet between me and Jesus (aleyhisselam) ."

The Start of Misconceptions about Jesus

Allah raised Isa as well as Idris at the age of 33. He invited people to religion for three years. Upon his will, the Apostles scattered around. They started to tell people about Christianity. It took 80 years for this true religion to spread.

Then Christians were perverted. Bible has changed. Just as the Jews slandered the Holy Virgin and Jesus, Christians got stuck in three wrong beliefs about him.

Some of them, "The son of Mary is God." said. Some say, "He is the son of God." said. Another group said, "He is one of the father, son and spirituality".

The Return of Jesus

Jesus aleyhisselam never married. He did not give value to the world. He will go down to the minaret of the Umayya Mosque in Damascus close to Doomsday, get married and have children. He will meet with Hazrat Mahdi, he will live for 40 years, die in Madinah, and be buried in the cell where the Prophet’s grave is located. He will be subject to the provisions of the religion of Islam and he will be judgmental.

European Books about Islamic Year and Christmas Night

It is written in European books that Plato died 347 years BC. Since Jesus (PBUH) came to the world secretly, remained a little in the world, and was raised to heaven, and only twelve apostles knew him and the Christians lived secretly for a couple of centuries, that is, Christmas night wasn't understood correctly.

It is written in books in various languages that the current Islamic year is less than five years, as it is supposed to be the twenty-fifth of the first law (December) or the sixth or other day of the second law (January). In that case, the Islamic year is not correct and definite, and its day and year are doubtful and wrong.

According to what Imam-i Rabbani (kuddis sirruh) and Burhan-ı Kati report, the Greek philosopher Plato lived in the time of Jesus aleyhisselam.According to this, the Islamic calendar is incomplete for more than 300 years, and therefore the time between Isa and Muhammad aleyhisselam isn't but a thousand years.

The Miracles of Jesus (PBUH)

There were nine types of miracles:

1.  1.   He spoke in his cradle.

2.  2.  He raised the dead. It is especially famous that he resurrected four dead. These are Sam bin Nuh, Shaddad bin Ad, Masan bin Malan and a child from Bani Israel.

3.  3. It would make the blind ones see as if they are healthy, and it would cure the baras disease, which is a skin disease. It would be nice if he touched the patient with his hand. He was called Isa-i Messiah because he cured the patients by anointment together with his hand. (Surat al-Maida: 110)

4.   4. As stated in the 49th verse of the chapter of Iml-i Imran, he informed about the things that his people ate or hid for eating.

5.   5. As stated within the 110th verse of chapter al-Maida, when a bird was made up of mud and blown thereon, it might become a bird with the permission of Allah.

6.   6. As stated in the 114th verse of chapter al-Maida, the Apostles offered to bring down a table containing food. When the Prophet Jesus raised his hands and prayed, a table with bread and meat came down.

7.    7. When Jesus was asleep, he knew everything that was spoken and done with him.

8.   8. Whenever he wanted, when he raised his hands to the sky and prayed, food and fruit would come before him.

9.   9. Jesus (PBUH) knew his words and secrets even though he was far from the Jews (Bani Israel).

The religion of Jesus Christ; Christianity:

The religion of Moses (peace be upon him) continued until the time of Jesus (PBUH). But when Jesus aleyhisselam came, it was not permissible to follow the religion of Moses, and until the religion of Muhammad aleyhisselam came, it was necessary to obey the religion of Jesus.

The Negative Role of Paul

Paul, one of the notables of the Jews and one of the greatest enemies of the Christians, made up the lie that he accepted Christianity and that

Jesus

(PBUH) made himself a lie to invite non-Jewish nations to Christians. He changed his name to Pavlos (Bolus). Appearing as a very good Isevi, he broke the religion of

Jesus

(PBUH). Tawhid (belief in one God), trinity (belief in three gods = Father-son-holy spirit); He converted Christianity to Christianity. Bible changed.

Jesus

is the son of God, he said.

Quotes of Jesus (PBUH)

“World love is the head of all evil. The eye gaze magnifies lust in the heart. (The greedy makes a person insatiable.) I swear that lust (to obey the desires of the soul) leaves its owner long-lasting trouble. Look through the world. Do not bother with repairs."

“Who wants the world is like those who drink sea water. The more he drinks, the more his thirst will increase, and eventually he will die. "

"Good news to those that cry once they remember their sins, who protect their tongue and who have enough house to stay their heads."

“The most beloved thing in the sight of Allah is righteous hearts. Allah keeps the world alive for their sake. When they are destroyed, they destroy the earth."

“Trees are many, but not all bear fruit. Fruits are many, but not all are sweet. The sciences are many, but not all of them are useful. "

“I cured the deaf and dumb, I revived the dead. But I could not find the cure of Jahl-i inkb (thinking ignorance of science and maturity). (Because that nobody is as if the knowledge and ripeness of ignorance.)

[justtogetthrough]

This might be the week I get my girlfriend to come to therapy with me. Our appointment is on Valentines day lol. I think that's beautiful, especially given our last 2 Valentines:

Two years ago we had a "singles" party at her house (we were not together yet but were seeing each other, still in denial/fear about our feelings) and her friend expressed sexual interest in me and that was the last time I saw or spoke to her for 5 weeks, until eventually my crying and begging convinced her to let me come over in March and we picked back up where we left off. Turns out she cut me out bc she was so upset by her friends interest in me and didnt know what to do about how in love with me she was and back then she had raging jealousy issues.

Last year we were broken up and hadnt spoken or seen each other in 6 weeks. Our break up was messy and bad and it never officially happened, she just cut me out again and we never actually said we were done, but we did give our stuff back. At the end of December we went out for breakfast as friends and that afternoon fought, and she blocked and deleted me off everything and I spent the next two months in the longest crisis I've ever had. I asked my friend who also just ended a very short but very intense relationship if we could spend V day together to avoid the sadness in good company. We went out for dinner and drinks and it was really lovely. She even bought me a card and chocolates, which I didnt think of for her. But it was a great friend date and I felt a lot better about my situation afterwards.

This year we had loose plans to get an airbnb but we never looked into that bc we've both been really depressed, and honestly we've been fighting so much that it seemed like we were breaking up at least once or twice. It's been real rocky. So when she asked me on the weekend what I wanted to do, and I said I have a therapy appt if she wants to come (we've been working up to this for a while - shes scared shitless and backed out last week the day of), she actually said yes. I said really? I half-jokingly said I cant think of any better way to spend Valentines day, and she gave me a look and laughed and said she can think of a million better ways than therapy. But I said I love it, because we've been working so hard on communication and building our relationship and so finally sitting down with my therapist with me shows real commitment and courage and that feels like a gift to me. I said that I'd ask her again when we were sober though, just to be sure. So I did yesterday and she was still on board. Apparently she made plans for us to have dinner with her roommate and her bf (she'd forgotten) and I was like oh, and reminded her the appt would be at 6 pm, and she dead ass turned to me and said "okay, we'll make it a late dinner then" and turned to her roommate and said "is that okay? If we do it a bit later?"

So yeah. I half expect her to back out again which is fine because shes getting closer and closer to doing it and I know it's not easy for her. I'm nervous that its gonna be a big fight and dinner after will be awkward, but my therapist is very skilled and I'm sure we will leave happy. He never ends sessions on a bad note.

I feel like absolute garbage still after frying my brain at that party and shes not being nice in any way that I want her to be, but she did tell me today that when I told her I was having a bad day over text she refrained from "reacting". I was like wtf is there to react to?! Its my own bad day. She said she thought it was about her. And then 2 minutes later told me she was offended by this article because it says cancers are selfish and make everything about them... I was like wow, the irony. Apparently the article (which I posted instead of saved on fb by accident, hence her finding it) pissed her off and she spent all night thinking about it. I wonder if that's what helped her realize my saying my morning was bad had nothing to do with her lol. I wish she was supportive and kind when I need her to be, but shes got shit to work through before I can reasonably expect that from her and I have to be patient ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ The fact that today actually went smoothly without any fighting is actually a huge testament to her growing self awareness. I have high hopes for her, this process just sucks and I feel lonely. By Thursday my serotonin should hopefully be back to normal and I look forward to talking about that huge breakdown we had a couple weeks ago that had me crying for 9 hours straight on the third day of fighting 🙂

[ohhhoneyhoney]

okay. so i just had a conversation with my other sister about our childhood, most specifically our dad, and i realized some things so for anyone who doesn't care about my personal life, i'm putting a readmore so you can skip this, but if you wanna learn more, feel free to come on this journey of self-realization with me

i've talked about my dad before; about how he wasn't the greatest, he was never around, i know next to nothing about him, etc. my dad was an alcoholic, like...a bad alcoholic. he would constantly be drinking, and i don't have a lot of memories of him, but the most clear thing i DO remember about him is how he smelled like beer. that's p messed up when you think about it, that i can barely remember his face but i knew his smell. and i don't just mean his breath, i mean he just smelled like beer...constantly. like it was oozing out his pores and he was just sweating it out.

but anyway. he was an alcoholic. we didn't have a lot of money growing up, mostly bc he couldn't hold down a "normal" job and any money my mom made went to paying our rent and buying his beer. to my mom's credit, she didn't just hand it over, like she would hide it from him, lie and say they didn't have any to spare. it was almost worse that way tho. i remember a story she told once, about one christmas when i was young where our maw-maw (grandma) bought us a lot of expensive toys and presents - and then my dad took all of that stuff, set it out in the parking lot of our closest gas station, sold it, and then turned right around and bought beer with it. he would sell anything he could to get beer money. he would LITERALLY SELL FOOD OUT OF OUR FREEZER for beer money. he would sell our food stamps. he would put shit in our STROLLERS to sneak it out of stores so he could sell it. he would steal from people and sell their stuff. for beer. he was in jail for so many years of my life, from stealing or fighting or other stupid shit he would get into. i know he did drugs, but i think that was more towards the end of his life.

anyway. finally my mom said enough is enough and she kicked him out. we only ever saw him once every few months, unless he didn't have a place to go, then he'd sleep on our couch for a few weeks before finding something better and taking off without even a goodbye. and i mean, he did try to stay sober sometimes. he'd go to rehab (usually as a court order, but rehab nonetheless) do a thirty-day program, come home and be sober for a few days or even a week...then he'd start drinking again.

i know now that he had a problem. he had an addiction. and i know now that he started drinking to self-medicate. i don't know much about his childhood, but from what my mom told me, it was bad. his mother was physically and mentally abusive. she had mental health issues as well, what i suspect were the same issues my dad had, and the drinking was a way that they had both started to manage the symptoms. anyone would swear that once my dad had just enough alcohol in him to be tipsy but not enough to be drunk, he was the nicest guy. my sister swears up and down that he was a great dad, that he goofed off with us, cleaned the house, made meals, set the table, was just...a great person to be around. but then he'd drink more, and he'd keep drinking, and then he would either pass out or just be as belligerent as you'd expect. i don't think he ever hit my mom, but i know that he physically threatened her several times. he wasn't the type of drunk who would take it out on a woman, but he'd sure as hell hit a man. he made a lot of stupid decisions while drunk

and i know now that he was couldn't stop. i'm no expert on addiction or alcoholism by far, but i know that if you have a problem with a substance and try to quit, it is difficult, and it is an uphill battle, and even then, sometimes you don't overcome. talking to my sister last week, and my other sister just tonight, i had a sudden epiphany about my feelings about my dad

i loved my dad. i was the youngest, so i don't remember a lot of the bad times, i just remember that he was my dad and i hardly ever got to see him, but when i did, i loved him, and i knew that i loved him

ten years ago, december 2008, he died. the circumstances are a bit foggy, all i know is: he was drinking, he was doing drugs, and one day his father went to check on him bc he hadn't heard from him from days, and he found him dead. he was living in a van at the time

when i found out he was dead, i was of course devastated. but once the sadness faded a bit, i realized that i was feeling something else, something bigger than grief. i was fucking angry. i was PISSED. i HATED him. my feelings for my dad went from unconditional love to overwhelming hatred in the space of a few hours, and for the past ten years, i've been carrying that anger around with me, bc in classic me fashion i just pushed it into the back of my mind and ignored it. and honestly? i had no idea why

then i was talking it over with my sisters, and i realized what it was. see, i knew my dad had an addiction. i knew he had a problem. i knew he had tried and failed in the past to overcome his addiction. and when he died, i was so pissed, so fucking livid, bc a part of me always assumed that one day, he'd manage to overcome it for good. i had hope that someday, he'd come knocking on our door, completely sober, and say "i'm sorry i wasn't there, but i promise to be there from now on" i just took it as a given that he'd get better, BE better, and that i'd finally have the dad that i never felt i had. and then he died, and that hope was ripped away, and i realized that it was never going to happen. i was upset bc we weren't enough, my mom and my sisters and my brother weren't enough, I wasn't enough. we weren't enough for him to finally find the strength to beat his addiction, and i was angry bc he was so weak that he could never pull himself up and out of the gutter he'd chosen to lie in, and i've remained angry all these years bc of it

i'm the queen of denial and ignorance. as long as i didn't think about my dad, as long as i didn't think about my anger, it wasn't real, it wasn't there, and i could just continue living my life. but that shit stays with you. that shit festers. i didn't realize until recently that i've been carrying around this anger and sadness and guilt. i didn't understand mental health then. i didn't understand addiction. i didn't understand feeling so down and empty and lifeless that you would turn to something so destructive just to feel something other than that. i struggle with depression. i know how it is to feel empty and lifeless. i think perhaps the only reason i haven't turned to alcohol or drugs is bc i saw how those things ruined my dad's life, my mom's, my own, and i don't want to continue that cycle. my dad self-medicated bc he didn't see a way out of that cycle. he grew up in a time when mental health wasn't something people understood, much less something they spoke openly about. i doubt he was ever even diagnosed. but he suffered from it every day of his life, and bc of his choices, so did we

anyway. this is a long rambly rant, and it's four in the morning so i'll end it here. i just wanted to get this off my chest, and if no one ever reads it but me, then hey! at least i can start the process of letting it go