#i started this for myself only really writing anything for the aide i didnt really know

[patchiko]

Imagine if, to save on the water bill/ they're just tired/etc, Jason (AK or comic really) and his S/o take an innocent shower together for the first time, yet the entire time Jason's trying his hardest to stay respectful and not stare, but at the same time wants to admire his S/o because he just loves how much they look. And possibly gets the shampoo in his eyes while distracted.

bear with me as ive been sick since wednesday and ive been writing this throughout my sick days. #fighting4mylife

Showering with Ak!Jason (SFW FIC)

ig their naked but its not ak!jay being horny just like in love so maybe nsfw nothing sexual happens mostly indirect tension soo??😭😭 ((tw: writing might suck))

JASON came home a little early from a bar. He went there for information on Penguins weapon deals. Jason would say something like, ‘it got a little messy,’ but a little messy to Jason was being covered in mud, blood, and clothes drenched from the rain that started on his way back. It was around 12 AM when he came back way earlier then his usual so you were hoping in the shower getting ready to go to sleep, not expecting him. You two saw each other just as you were walking into the bathroom.

“You look like shit—“ You turned your head into the bathroom so he couldn’t see your face; trying to bite back a cackle because of the words that slipped from your mouth,, “—I mean you can go first.” you looked back over at him,

“Well aren’t you the sweetest thing.“ He started taking off his gloves. “Go ahead.” He huffed.

“No seriously its fine, ill grab you a towel-“

“— The more you talk the longer it takes for the both of us.” He sighed, pulling off his jacket and folding it in a neat little square.

“Right, sorry.” You turn into the bathroom and pause. It was pretty obvious he was tired and wanted to get comfier then his muddied clothes let him; Thats when the thought hit you. “Unless.” You felt your face burn. You weren’t sure if Jason be comfortable with it, but it wasn’t sexual and it’d save you money from your water bill.

“Unless?” Jason questioned flatly, his back was turned to you and he was taking off his bloodied boots.

You slowly turned towards him, “You’d like to.. join me.” you had tried to sound as casual as possible. He paused completely, only getting half of his boot off before freezing. He looked back at you, like he wasn’t sure if he heard you properly. “LIKE—“ You raised your voice a little too loud on accident,”—Like, not like, you know. THAT. But like.” he took off his boot and started walking over to you as you rambled about how you didn’t mean it sexually it’d just be easier n’ y’know obviously he didn’t have to— You didn’t even notice the brick wall of a man making its way over to you until Jason stood in front of you.

”Yeah. Sure.” He replied flatly, your eyes meet his face, he was staring at your face completely stone cold. Maybe if you didn’t turn around to move to the door handle, maybe, just maybe you would’ve seen how his cheeks and ears were lightly dusted with red. But you didn’t.

You awkwardly shuffled to the side to let him in, closing the door behind you two. Back facing each other as you two undressed, you weren’t wearing a full outfit so you took everything off faster then him, yikes, awkward. You didnt wanna just stand there so you slipped past him with your head down at the floor to get the shower water running. Running your hand through the burning water just to push away the sound of him unbuckling his belt in the deepest part of your mind. “Uh, first-aid under the, uhm, fuckin- sink.” You stammered, still facing the shower waiting for the water to now cool down.

“You can get in first, i’ll patch myself up.” You did a little thumbs up behind your back, as if he saw, and made your way in, closing the curtain behind you. But he was totally lying. He should’ve patched himself up after you two had gotten out so he didn’t worry about anything washing into his cleaned wounds. But he needed to buy himself time to calm his nerves. You were so fuckin’ pretty, your skin brushed his as you passed him earlier and—its crazy how the Red Hood is single-handedly fighting for his life more now then when he was dealing with twelve grown men earlier.

After taking a purposeful three minutes longer then his usual, he stands up. He almost backs out as soon as he reaches for the shower curtains, he inhales then exhales, brushing his finger tips against the thin veil of cloth that just separates you two. “I’m, uh,-“ his voice cracks “-comin in now..”

“Hold on,” You quickly stepped out of the water stream, and leaned onto the back wall of the shower. “Alright, front of the shower where like, the, uh- water is, is all yours.” Jason cleared his voice just before he stepped in, being sure to keep his back turned to you. He let the water run over his marred skin, trying to ignore every scar on his back burning. After letting the water wash off the pieces of dirt that it could, or him finally succumbing to the sensation of getting the soap to scrub at his mangled flesh;

Jason turned his head to grab the soap— FUCK, he whipped his head back around into the showers stream. Scrubbing his face to try to wash the burning image of you out of his mind. The mixture of water and light highlighting your skin like an portrait. You’re staring down towards your feet playing with the water droplets on your crossed arms- fuck he needed to stop thinking about it. Jason pulled his head out of the water, croaking out ”Soap.” Yes, yes, wise words I know.

The next thing he knew, right by his shoulder was your hand holding out the soap. “Here, hope I’m holding it in the right spot.” You softly chuckled to yourself. He turned enough to see you covering your eyes with your other hand out of his peripheral vision. God he needed to stop looking. He took it from you and skimmed his face against the water before he grunted out a thanks.

He was questioning himself as he washed his blemished skin. He wasn’t a creep, he wasn’t staring at you because it was sexual. So what was he doing? What was this feeling? Why did he want to look at you anyways? Why did it remind him of the way he looks at marble statues? Was it because of the way your fingers dented your arms skin while you glide water droplets along your skin? Was it the way your head slightly tilted? Was it the was your body was effortlessly posed? Like you knew, like you were ready for every detail of your body was going to be eternalized into marble? Was it because of the urge to trace every part of your skin? Maybe to just get a feeling of what your sculptor felt? Was he being a fuckin creep?

He wasn’t sure, something he suddenly did become sure of was the fact you were probably cold as shit and he needed to hurry the fuck up.

guys idk how to feel abt this fic tbh

rq / inbox is closed

sorry i got like 12 i needa get done

[seraphont]

FAQ & Important Info

About me:

bday: march 30th

lgbt?: im bi

What can we call you?

Seraphont is fine, its supposed to be a play on of Seraph and Serif Font, you can call me Seraph!

What pronouns do you use?

I'd prefer They/Them, but you can use She/Her.

Whats your Main blog?

not posting it publically for now.

Dying and Getting Over It (DaGOI au) Related:

Where can I read DaGOI?

It will be uploaded to my Ao3. its currently being written, so there is no link to the fic yet.

When will you post the fic?

short answer: I'm not sure, possibly by early october. its my first time writing a fic, so I ask you to be patient with me! the outline is written and being tweaked, and its going through adjustments now that MD ep 8 is out. Im also moving across the world, so I'm a tad bit busy rn.

Will you include MD ep8 into the canon of your fic?

at first I was on the fence, but its grown on me, its being integrated now.

Will you be drawing all of DaGOI in comic form?

if I was a stronger man I would. I'll mostly be drawing key story moments. making comics is an aid to helping me write. so I'll be making a lot, but I may not be posting them until the chapters start coming out (trying not to spoil everything). to give you an idea, as of writing this, I have 6 comics on the backburner lol.

Art Related:

What art program(s) do you use?

Procreate -Brushes: Shiyoon Kims Wet Brush pack (X) (everything you see on this blog is made with this brushpack) and several Max Packs (X) for procreate

How long have you been drawing?

I've always drawn, but I started getting really serious at 14, around the same time I first made my main blog. I was self taught up until I got into animation school.

What do you do as a career?

I'm currently doing Freelance work for publishers and individuals. I was previously an animator, I'm making the move to storyboarding

Do you take requests/commissions?

I do have commissions open. only lineart, and flat colours are available. if you want a rendered piece: slots are closed, but you can dm me for interest.

Asks and Messaging:

Rules for asks/tagging?

Anyone can send me an Ask, Mutuals, Anons or not!

Dont send discourse or anything explicitly NSFW. you'll be blocked lol. I'd prefer if you didnt send suggestive. if you send me triggering content I’ll mind blast you into dust. (block).

Do not send and DNI's?

Transphobia, Homophobia, Acephobia. All the obvious bigot contenders.

SA, pdfilia and incest are absolute no goes.

are you okay with me direct messaging you?

only if we have spoken before/ you're giving me a headsup about something/ I've prompted you to send me one.

***minors: please refrain from dming me to chit chat, im not down to.***

Why don’t you answer my asks/dms?

my main has 1000+ asks and my other side blog is pushing 250+, sometimes the ask's get lost in the sauce. that being said, some ask's go unaswered because: 1. it might spoil too much if I were to answer. 2. I simply have to think hard to reply. 3. its super nice and im hoarding it all for myself.

Misc

Can you reblog my donation posts?

no. too many scams.

[obsolete-stars-if]

progress update

1st feb 2024

like i wanted to do this year on every 1st of each month, we have a general progress update, what ive been up to, general stats, plans for the upcoming month, how the last month treated me and how i treated this game. lots of personal detail will happen.

january has been the least productive month yet, im trying to not let it get to me, i had to take lots of breaks, my bed literally broke down on me on the 1st and it took over 2 weeks to get the new bed to me. sleeping on the ground made writing so impossible bcs i got chronic pain flair ups, migraines as well as hip pain. it was agony. i did however cleaned my room and got a new bed and this change of paste was really welcome. now that i finally have an actual desk to write on again, I can look outside my window and watch the squirrels while i write, so beautiful. that does mean i didnt finish chapter 7 which is a bummer, but im trying to stay positive. i did publish part 2 in a more rough than usual state, just bcs i needed it out, i wouldve lost my mind if i didnt update it. I allowed myself to take a break from OS since the last update, bcs even if i didnt actively wrote most of jan, i still thought about OS and beat myself up for not writing. And i had some time to work on other things that I plan for the future, others stories i wanna tell some day (im not starting a new wip bcs i will literally never finish anything if i do), and also just, reading and drawing without thinking about OS too much. It were only a few days, but it was a much needed break, bcs since OS went officially online last May, there wasnt really a day where i didnt think about OS.

stats from Jan: I wrote a total of 8.477 words over the 8 days that i worked on this. That doesnt sound much, but its still about 1k words each day. obv the 8,5k words arent the 20k I set out to do in the beginning of January, but im just happy i did something.

The game is now over 70k words long (including code, i wrote that shit imma count it), i know its not as much as other ppls wips, but damn, it feels crazy to me, knowing i sat down, laptop on my lap (in my bed primarily) and just wrote that much in less than a year.

Plans for feb: for the love of god i need to get chapter 7 done. i also set the goal to 10k, since there are less days in february and i know that i might not get the time to write as i will be job hunting, yay. the goal will be adjusted in march depending on if and what job i get maybe. in general im pretty scared of february and march, bcs i will lose the financial aid and im not sure yet how the fuck will i finance myself, since moving back with my mom is a no. and i refuse to open a kofi or patreon. im very against earning money from my hobby and i hope i dont have to resort to it ever. (personal opinion)

Anyway, thanks for listening and lets hope that february will be a good month, ey

[sparksnevadas]

Oh my god I’m so normal about this chapter Sparks I am soooooooooooo normal. Incredibly normal. Oh my god. Look at me I’m so normal. The way you used the flashbacks to slip back and forth between them talking about their plan and what really happened was SO good it’s one of my favorite things in writing. AUGH.

And also just. KERALIS! DOC! AUGH. Their powers are so COOL and I love them so much. You got their voices so well. Keralis is such a Guy. The SHADOWS are so COOL augh. And the METAL form Doc augh yes yes yes. They are so. You got em in one.

Also I have to say it again, so sorry, but why is Scar holding Doc hot what did you put in the water dearest SparksNevadas.

And then Mumbo and Grian having to remember to use their code names over their real names is so. The way Grian almost slips up. The way him and Mumbo work to get back to Scar but Mumbo is more worried about Grian in the moment. They make me WEAK. GOD.

Keralis calling Grian chicken nugget is absolutely sending me. Fyi. Oh my god that’s so funny. I love your keralis so much. And Doc being Ducky I just. Keralisisms give me life and you write them SO well.

And the way everyone goes back to their weird semi-friendly but only sort of rivalry they have when Grian passes out is so interesting to me. The dynamic is everything. The fact that Doc is more worried about the party being ruined than anything. AUGH.

Scar calling Doc ‘Doctor Hothead’ is ALSO hilarious im. Head in hands its just so funny.  Especially considering he’s trying to negotiate an alliance I think it really speaks to Scar’s charm as a person that he gets away with that nickname in this scene tbh. I just. It’s so cool to see Scar be so in control and then to lose that control when Keralis revealed that little scrap of paper. THEY’RE BROTHERS. AUGH. CUB. AUGH. AND THE FACT THAT RENS THERE TOO WHAT IF I JUST FLOATED DOWN A RIVER AUUUUUUUUGH! AND MUMBO DOESN’T GET WHY THE BROTHER THING IS SUCH A BIG DEAL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH WHAT IF I SCREAMED!!!! ITS!!!! THE WAY YOU WRITE IT IS SO GOOD I LOVE IT SO MUCH

The description of Scar’s office is fascinating too – it paints such a picture of him as a character. How he has all the stuff about him and mayor but then he has those two honest photos of cub on the wall its. He’s painting a certain picture of himself but then also like, displaying this honest relationship he has w cub as his brother im. AUGH. AGONY.

AND THEN THE SCARIAN KISS. The way it happened. The way Grian just basically said fuck it and went for it im. THEY. AUGH. AGONY BUT LIKE GOOD AGONY. Clawing at the walls of my enclosure I have waited so long and I need everyone to know that SPARKS MANAGED NOT TO LET IT SLIP OUT AT ALL. THEY KEPT THAT COMPLETELY A SURPRISE. THAT’S SO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. AAAAAUGH ITS SO SWEET AND SOFT AND I CAN JUST SEE IT IN MY MINDS EYE AND IT. ITS EVERYTHING IVE HOPED FOR FROM THE MOMENT I STARTED READING GIHASM. AUGGGGH. IM IN LOVE WITH THIS CH GOOD CH!!!!

oh my god belle this is a whole essay and a half, dude,,, (<3)

you dont need to be normal about the chapter. please be abnormal with me,,

that little experimental flashback and such was decided very last minute! i thought it was too soon to reveal ren last chapter where it was supposed to go, and honestly, good decision methinks. :) I liked having doc be just a big metal guy. thought about giving him a redstone power like others but i think its neat if his whole arm was partially constructed by his own power. a metal mobility aid :) I DIDNT THINK THAT IT WAS--- I AM SPRAYING YOU WITH WATER!!!

they love each other SO much. i like making all the characters feel human so i give them little quirks and slip ups-- something im so worried about myself doing irl that i barely speak lmao. of course its hard to switch to a new name when you still use the old name in private. and of course, mumbo isnt usually on the scene for fights, and he's never really seen grian fight too much, so he doesnt really get it that grians bleeding and continuing to fight. im rambling, anyways--

the thing about keralis is that he says the weirdest things. even trying to write him, he'd still manage to say weirder things in videos. he's such a Guy

Doc immediately calls a time out basically. he sighs and lets them wash off grians wings, and then keralis leads them to his office where hes been stewing about his bruised pride. he's a silly wet cat

who knew such a big persona could be brought down with a piece of paper smaller than a finger?

he loves his brother. if theres anything you should knoow about scar, is that cub is his pride. i mean. he got the city to fund a statue of them, of course he loves him. he loves cub so so so much for what theyve been through. he cant wait to annoy him over board game night and never complain about his cooking ever again.

I WANTED IT TO BE A SURPRISE!!! :D i kept telling everyone they were going to come kill me after the chapter (mostly, yknow, about the cub thing) but in the back of my head i was just >:3c and wait until you get to that last scene, my pretties

i mean, ash @polyamquackity was live reacting to me in the dms and i KNEW exactly when they got to it because he just texted

which was exactly the reaction i wanted everyone to have :) Got a lot less dts (/friendly) than i was expecting though!

[amphibious-thing]

Steuben’s Aide-de-Camp, Sub-Inspectors &c.

According to Kapp Steuben gives a list of 21 ‘assistants’ he had. I’ve used this list as a starting point and attempted to identify who each of these men were and in what way they were ‘assistants’ to the Baron. Unfortunately there are still some unanswered questions. If anyone has any insight into who some of these men were or when exactly they worked with the Baron, please add to this post!

Aide-de-Camp

Captain Du Ponceau

Pierre Étienne Du Ponceau, who later changed his name to Peter Stephen Du Ponceau, was Steuben’s first aide. They met through Beaumarchais when the Baron was in Paris. Du Ponceau who was 17 and eager to go on adventure, signed up to be his secretary. Out of the 3 french aides who traveled with Steuben to America, Du Ponceau was the only one who spoke English. On the the 18th of February 1778 congress appointed him a secretary to Steuben with the rank of Captain. Du Ponceau served on his staff helping mostly with translation.

In January 1780 Du Ponceau became ill and was unable to continue with the Baron. He was diagnosed with consumption and told his illness was terminal. In November 1780 believing that he would die anyway he begged the Baron to let him back on his staff. He argued that if he was to die"it was better and more honourable that it should be on the field of battle, than by the slow and painful process of an incurable disease.” Steuben was persuaded by this argument, “Very well,” said he, “you shall follow me, and I hope you will either recover your health or die an honourable death.”

Du Ponceau eventually had to leave Steuben’s staff again in June 1781 when the Baron and his staff was fleeing Simcoe at Point of Fork. Steuben advised him to return to Philadelphia. Believing that they would never see him again Du Ponceau left the group, as they parted the Baron had tears in his eyes. Luckily Du Ponceau did recover in Philadelphia, however he never rejoined Steuben’s staff.

Major Des Epiniers

Augustin François Des Epiniers, was Beaumarchais nephew and had come with Steuben from France. (Lockhart 48-49) Des Epiniers quit Steuben’s staff in autumn 1778, Charles Lee had spread the rumour that Steuben’s credentials were fake. De Epiniers sided with Lee and quit Steuben’s staff. (Lockhart 188) He later regretted this action and tried to reconcile but Steuben would not forgive him. (Lockhart 231-233)

Captain De Pontière

Louis de Pontiere traveled from France with Steuben. After they joined up with the army he left the Barons staff and joined Pulaski’s legion. (Du Ponceau)

Major De L’Enfant

When the Baron first arrived in Boston he befriended Pierre Charles L’Enfant and François Adrien de Romanet. While Romanet chose to return to France, L’Enfant chose to stay and was appointed a aide-de-camp to the Baron. (Lockhart 67) When Steuben’s staff were working on the Blue Book in Phillidephia (Nov 1778-April 1779) L’Enfant was in charge of the Illustrations. (Du Ponceau) In April 1779 L’Enfant was appointed a Captain in the Corps of Engineers.

Colonel Walker

Benjamin Walker, was born in England, but had emigrated to America before the war. At Steuben’s first parade at Valley Forge, confusion started to spread through the troops. Steuben, who at this time did not speak English, was having trouble communicating to the troops what he wanted. Walker stepped forward and offered to interpret. “If, said the Baron, I had seen an angel from Heaven, I should not have been more rejoiced.” Form that moment Walker became Steuben’s aide-de-camp.

On the 25th of January 1782 Walker was transferred to Washington’s staff. Although he was no longer on Steuben’s staff, they remained good friends until the Baron’s death. After the war he apparently lived with the Baron and some other former aides at the Louvre for a short time. Steuben also lived with Walker for some time during a period when he was in financial difficulty.

Major North

William North recalls that the first time he saw Steuben was in early 1778 at a ball in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. However he didn't join the Baron’s staff until over a year later in autumn 1779. (Lockhart 201) While Steuben became very fond of North he was it seems less than impressed by his work ethic. Steuben complained to Walker that North’s “power does not consist in his pen, and that he is as lazy and he is amiable.”

On their way to Yorktown North developed a fever, and when Steuben left Yorktown to meet with Congress in Philadelphia North was too sick to travel. He gave North half of the money he had left. “God bless you, I can do no more” he told North. “Nor could he” writes North “the feelings of friends, in such a moment, and under such circumstances, may possibly be conceived, but not expressed. A journey of three hundred miles was before him, a single piece of gold in his purse. Are other instances necessary to unfold the texture of his heart? how many have I written on my own!”

It’s unclear when North rejoined the Baron, however he seems to have been back with him in September/October 1782. (Lockhart 275) North remained part of Steuben’s staff until the end of the war.

It seems that at some point while he was on Steuben’s staff the two became romantically involved. They lived together for a few years after the war at the Louvre and remained close until the Barons death.

Captain Fairlie

James Fairlie joined Steuben’s staff on the 15th of May 1780. Fairlie was know for his wit. It’s said that he once made Washington fall over with laughter. Fairlie was taken prisoner in June 1781 when Steuben and his staff was fleeing Simcoe at Point of Fork. (Lockhart 269) It’s unclear when Fairlie was exchanged but it must have been before July 1783 when he accompanied Steuben on his trip to Canada. After the war he seems to have lived with the Baron and some other former aides at the Louvre. Steuben and Fairlie later had a falling out.

Colonel William S. Smith

William S. Smith was apparently an aide-de-camp to Steuben but it is unclear when. It must have been before the 6th of July 1781 as that is when he was appointed to Washington’s staff. After the war he lived with the Baron and some other former aides at the Louvre.

Captain Duval

Daniel Duval was it seems at some point aide-de-camp to Steuben when exactly I am not sure.

Major Popham

Major. William Popham was for a time aide-de-camp to Baron Steuben. I’m unsure when exactly Popham was on his staff but it seems that he joined after Ben Walker left in January 1782. On the 27th of Dec 1782 Steuben wrote to Walker “I do not think that Popham is anxious to join me again; at least I have not had a line from him.”

Voluntary Aide-de-Camp

Messrs. Peyton Randolph & Moore

Both Peyton Randolph and Moore were for a short time voluntary aids during the Virginia campaign. I must assume this Peyton Randolph was not the Peyton Randolph who was the first President of the Continental Congress as he died before Steuben even landed in America. While I’m not sure who exactly Mr. Moore was, I have however with a little help from google translate discovered that he may have been Colonel. John Walker’s brother in law. John Walker was married to Elizabeth Moore, which of her bothers this may have been however I don’t know.

Sub-Inspectors

This is not a complete list of sub-inspectors only those who Steuben included on his list of assistants.

Lieutenant Colonel Ternant

Jean Baptiste Ternant was a French officer who had come to America in hopes of gaining employment in the Army, however he had come without any letters of recommendation. He quickly befriended both Steuben and John Laurens, due to their support Ternant was appointed as a civilian sub-inspector without rank. Ternant worked closely with Steuben throughout much of 1778, he was with him during the Battle of Monmouth (Lockhart 162) and helped him with his proposal for the inspector’s office (Lockhart 177). On the 25th of September he was given the rank of Lieutenant Colonel and appointed Inspector for the troops of South Carolina and Georgia.

Major Barber

Francis Barber was appointed a sub-inspector on the 28th of March 1778, alongside Ternant as well as Davis & Brooks. Why Steuben included Barber on his list but not Davis or Brooks is a mystery to me.

Colonel Fleury

Col. François-Louis Teissèdre de Fleury was a French officer who had joined the Continental Army in 1777. (Lockhart 106) He met Steuben at Valley Forge and on the 27th April 1778 he was appointed a Sub-Inspector and was ordered to “attend the Baron Stuben ’till Circumstances shall admit of assigning him a Division of the Army—”

Fleury worked on the Blue Book with Steuben in Nov 1778-April 1779. Fleury’s work on the Blue Book was invaluable to Steuben. The Baron proposed that he should be paid $1000 for his work. In comparison Steuben recommended $4000 for himself, $600 for Walker, $500 for L’Enfant and $400 for Du Ponceau. When Congress refused to pay this Fleury who was in debt considered returning to France. When Steuben explained this to Henry Laurens, he responded “I shall be very sorry for it.” This angered Steuben who retorted “Then I shall go home. I will not stay.” The Baron’s never forgave Henry Laurens for this. He was angry that Henry Laurens would send back officers who had come to defend his country. (Lockhart 198-199) It seems that the group were eventually paid as Du Ponceau comments in is autobiography that he got his $400 “in addition to my pay.”

On the 15th of June 1779 Fleury was appointed commander of a light infantry battalion.

Lieutenant Colonel N. Fish

Nicholas Fish was a appointed a brigade inspector in June 1779. Washington was concerned he would decline due to his health but it seem he accepted the appointment.

Other

Major De Romanai

I’m at a slight loss as to who Major De Romanai was. I wonder if it is possible this is a misreading and this may have been François Adrien de Romanet. When the Baron first arrived in Boston he had befriended two men and requested that they be appointed his aide-de-camp, one of these men was Pierre Charles L’Enfant and the other was François Adrien de Romanet. (Lockhart 67) Romanet however decided to return to France and left Boston on the 12 of March 1778.(Lockhart 307) However Kapp writes that Romanai “accompanied [Steuben] to America, and soon after his arrival was employed in another department;” so perhaps these were two different men.

Colonel Meade

It seems that this was probably Richard Kidder Meade, however it also could have been his bother Everard Meade.

Richard Kidder Meade had left Washington’s staff in October 1780 to return to Virginia and marry Mary Fitzhugh Grymes Randolph. When Arnold invaded Virginia in 1781 Jefferson wrote Meade asking him to join the Baron in defence of their state and that “Such a Gentleman he would propose to consider as of his Family.” Meade “joined the Baron about the time the Enemy left Richmond in order to render him all the aid I could being intimately acquainted with the Country for many miles in the vicinity of the Enemy”. However "on their return down the river I left him to go in pursuit of a residence for a favorite Brother who was driven from his home & obliged to attend to his Wife & a family of little children.”

In April 1781 Steuben wanted a cavalry of 200 to be formed in Virginia. The Council of the State of Virginia advised Tomas Jefferson “to write to Colo. Everard Meade and some other gentlemen of activity and influence requesting them to raise a body of volunteer Cavalry agreeable to the Baron’s request”. Interestingly enough the Baron included Everard in his 1781 will, he requested that his Nephew (who was his heir) to have “three Gold Snuff boxes of the value of Sixty Guineas each—with my picture in the lid of each box” made and given to “His Excellency General Washington, John Walker & Everard Meade Esqrs as a small token of the Friendship of esteem I had for them”.

On the 30th of January 1781, Thomas Jefferson wrote to John Banister, “I inclose you a letter from Colo. Meade, one of Baron Steuben’s aids”. It is unclear if this is Richard Kidder Meade or Everard Meade. One of the brothers was also apparently with the Baron at Point of Fork as he wrote to General Harrison on the 13th of December 1781 that “Colonel Meade” would bear witness of the “propriety of my conduct at the Point of Fork.”

Major Galvan, Major Villefranche & Lieutenant Colonel De La Lanyanté

Kapp writes that Galvan, Villefranche and De La Lanyanté “served as engineers under Steuben in the trenches of Yorktown.” While Galvan was at Yorktown and Villefranche was an engineer, I’m unsure if Galvan was an engineer and I cant place Villefranche at Yorktown. De La Lanyanté I cant place at all.

William Galvan “acted at the Seige of York as Division Inspector and performed the duty of Major of the Trenches to Major Genl Baron de Steuben.”

Jean-Louis-Ambroise, chevalier de Villefranche de Genton, was sent with Steuben to Canada in 1783.

Besides Kapp’s statement that De La Lanyanté served as an engineer under Steuben at Yorktown and Steuben’s inclusion of him on his list I can find no information about him.

[kingneptunesthinninghead]

How much do you weigh? what a weirdly personal question

If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? sitting in the shade reading a book

Do you think you can love someone without trusting them? yes but not in a way that will ever be truly fulfilling

What’s your opinion on people who go hunting for sport? i live in a very rural area so i grew up with hunting for sport extremely normalized but once i actually developed and used my critical thinking skills i realized how morally reprehensible it is. literally just begging these people to use their brains.

Do you have a fairly fast or slow internet connection? eh its pretty fast

Have you ever been someplace tropical? florida lmao

Are you sensitive to caffeine? somewhat. i dont really consume it that much

How do you usually get around? driving myself

Have you ever been accused of being too clingy? no bc i’m generally pretty independent unless i reallyyyy like someone

What do you think about Kim Kardashian? neutral

Can you speak any French? je parle un peu français

Favorite yogurt flavor? i’m lactose intolerant so i recently tried dairy free yogurt and i hated it sooo i guess none

How much money do you have in your wallet right now? i dont have any cash in my wallet rn lol

What bottled water brand do you like? deer park or aquafina

Your favorite way to eat chocolate? brownies

How often do you listen to country music? sometimes.

Linkin Park or Avenged Sevenfold? neither

Last surgery you had? my wisdom teeth surgery

Have you ever played guitar? no but i wish i could

Is there someone in your life whose career/life choices you find immoral/unethical? Have you ever told that person your views? Do you find it difficult to support them (emotionally or otherwise) because of their choices? um i dont think so

What trait do you feel you lack that you wish you possessed? a little more confidence

Have you ever considered writing your memoirs? maybe

Do you find it difficult to stay invested in online relationships? i dont have very many online friends anymore but when i had a bunch i loved talking to them

Are you the type of person who pays close attention to the release dates of movies, music, etc., and will, for example, go see a movie or buy an album on the date it is released? If so, when is the last time you did so? only for something i really like.

Do you have any stickers on your laptop? a bunch

Would you rather have a job for which you had to go in early in the morning or one you had to stay late into the evening at? early in the morning so then i have the rest of the day to myself when i get off

Do you use any apps to track your health or medications? i have a workout app but that’s it.

Whose opinions/recommendations do you value most? my mom, sister, and my 2 best friends

If you could’ve been at any historical event, which would you have liked to witness firsthand? probably the women’s suffrage movement or the civil rights movement

Is there something that you really want to do but are afraid of doing? If so, why are you afraid of doing it?i want to tell him how i feel but i’m afraid i’ll ruin the friendship

What is something society “expects” you to do that you don’t want to do and/or don’t plan on doing? wear a tampon i’m sorry but i can’t do it

Have Jehovah's Witnesses ever come to your door? no

Are you well-known by people in your area? eh somewhat

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no and i dont want to

What's your favourite type of bird? owls!!

What tv show(s) have you been watching currently? i’m watching loki, hsmtmts, planning to watch s2 of never have i ever, and i started one piece but i haven’t watched in a while

Have you ever dated a smoker? no but that might change😳

Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? no

Have you ever been a member in a band? No.

Can you cry on command? If so, have you ever used it to your advantage? No.

Do you have separate emails for personal and business? i have my school email and personal email

Have you ever missed a flight? no

Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? i think so.

Have you ever taken a ride in a convertible? i literally rode in my best friend’s convertible last night lmao

Why did you last need to use a band-aid? i dont remember

What fruit do you eat most often? bananas and clementines

Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? maybe my great uncle?

Has someone ever tried to start an argument with you over Facebook? What happened? no but i’ve been in a few on insta and twitter.

Have you ever had an unusual type of milk (eg. oat, rice, almond)? i don’t straight up drink milk but i love things made with almond milk.

If you could experience life as a Disney princess for a week, which princess would you pick and why? elsa i want ice powers

When you’re at home, do you spend most of your time in your room? sometimes but normally during the day i’m in the living room with my family

If you like to sleep in late, have your parents ever told you off for doing so? No.

Do you find piercings attractive? Yep.

Do you like potato chips? Loooove 'em.

What’s the most stalker-like/creepy thing you’ve ever done? If you don’t think you’ve done anything like that, what’s the most stalker-like thing someone’s done to you? i’ve looked up a few people’s houses on zillow in my day.

Do you think it’s a double standard that a woman can hit a man and expect to get away with it, but if a man hits a woman it’s assault? absolutely, you shouldn’t hit anyone

What’s your favorite old Disney movie and favorite new Disney movie? my top 3 are princess and the frog, tangled, and frozen 2. i also love the little mermaid

Name something “trendy” or popular that you dislike. idrk

“Dirty talk” in the bedroom…love it, like it, don’t care, dislike it, or hate it? it depends on what it is. it should also be mixed with some loving or praise talk imo

What is/are your favorite type(s) of ethnic food, and what’s your favorite food within that type? i LOVE italian food specifically fettuccine alfredo and i also love asian food such as general tso’s, sweet and sour chicken, lo mein, shrimp fried rice, LUMPIA 🤤

How would you describe your relationship with your hair over the years? i’ve always liked my hair color and thickness. i always go back and forth between growing it out long and cutting it short bc i can never choose which i like more also it has lots of red undertones so i’m thinking about dyeing it a deep red

How do you feel about your SO daily/regularly checking up on a couple of his exes on social media? hypothetically it would be a red flag to me. a clear sign they haven’t moved on from the past

Do you prefer your guy to wear cologne or not? a good smelling cologne on a man will quite literally make me bust a nut.

Ladies, how important is it to you that your SO wears/would wear a wedding ring? i’d want them to unless it didnt fit or something

What was the turning point that led you to decide for or against having children? i’m very close with my family so i’ve always loved the idea of having one of my own with my future spouse

Is having your “dream” wedding really that important to have? i definitely have ideas for my wedding and i would want it to go a certain way according to our plan but in the end if things go wrong or plans change it wouldn’t matter as long as i’m marrying the loml.

Do you consider it cheating if your SO goes to a strip club and then doesn’t tell you? i wouldn’t consider it cheating if he was just watching but i would be angry that he hid it from me

How old is too old for trick-or-treating? i dont think it matters unless ur posing a danger to little children

Do you sleep with your arms over or under the covers? depends but mostly under

Do you own any t-shirts of your favorite band? i have nsync and harry styles shirts but thats it

Fries or onion rings? Fries.

True/False: you’ve had an odd dream this week. all the time but most of the time i forget them right after i wake up

Do you find tattoo sleeves attractive? depends

Do you like carving pumpkins? Yeah.

What’s an animal you want to have as a pet but can’t? i think raccoons are adorable but its kindaaaa hard to domesticate them

Have your parents ever caught you drinking? no bc my parents let me drink in the house and i’ve told them abt every time i’ve drank at college

How would you react if your celebrity crush came to your door? i would absolutely piss and shit on myself.

Has your mom/dad ever walked in on you kissing or anything more with someone? no

The person you have a crush on is drunk and goes to kiss you, you know they don’t realize what they’re doing, but do you kiss anyways? i would stop it even if i want to bc i don’t want them to regret anything and i wouldn’t want them to kiss me if they don’t like me bc it would hurt too much.

What would you prefer to get from a guy/girl: flowers, a hand written poem, a picture he drew of you or a nice night out? i would love them all but something abt a guy taking the time to write a poem for me makes me melt

Do you any shirts with any kind of images of food on them? no.

Which holiday is the most fun to decorate for? halloween

What was the first website you had an email account on? gmail

Have you ever written a fanfic? YES AHSHDH.

Tattoos or piercings? tats for sure.

What’s the last gross movie/show/video you saw? the scene where alexei breaks the inmate’s wrist in black widow is SO GROSS i cringe every time

Would you rather live in a huuuge house or a little cozy one? definitely a little cozy one

Do you have a tutor for anything? No.

Who’s the best kisser you know? i’ve only kissed one person.

Has anyone ever threatened you with a knife? No. I'd like it to stay that way.

(If you’re a girl) Has anyone ever called you "shortie" instead of girl? no and i hope they dont

Do you have a deep voice? not really

Do you play games with boys/girls, like 'hard to get’? no thats dumb

Is there a Sonic where you live? yes i’m a whore for sonic

What do you like on your pizza? pepperoni or sausage

[britnxyspears]

So funny growing up in the "kids/teens/young people self harm for attention and to get out of punishment and work" era of mental health coverage because my onset of everything was super early and while some people did care, it was never because I was fucking killing myself when I was in elementary school, it was because I was pretty and polite otherwise and my overlooming issue was that I was a waste of space because I was learning disabled. That was the pathway that allowed grown people to resent me on a legally understandable level, not being smart in the right ways. It was so awful and also so hilarious.

A little sweet girl with long pretty hair and gentle nature talks about killing herself and makes herself bleed and talks about bugs living inside of her that keeps her up at night, but because she's sweet and angelic otherwise you turn an eye to it. Then you find out she can't do math and while she never disrupts the class by talking, she rarely looks like she's even there any way but physically. You start resenting her so much you physically haul her off and scream at her all the way to a small locked off room in the office every single day. She doesn't get anything done and actually doesn't do anything in there except occasionally stab herself with the pencil. You do that for like 3 years and the only thing you say is that she should feel embarrassed that she gets sent there every day and that when she stabs herself she's doing it for sympathetic attention. She says she actually hates attention and that's why she prefers to not to talk about anything anymore.

Like literally I was so sweet and not even consciously I warped into being bitter and cunty and I was still kind on the ceiling level, I talked back to everything (while never actually interrupting class) and was at the top of my English classes writing about the most fucked up shit ever and occasionally getting a face and a shocked compliment by a sub but never real concern over the physical shit.

Like I didnt go to a big school until 6th grade, , 5th grade I went to like 3 different schools (the one that took up most of the time was a huge mess lol) so it's not like this was "I see too many kids each day" thing.

5th grade was the best, that's when I told my mom about csa and she had her 3rd worst bf and I moved schools and had court ordered therapy. My therapy took up school time so my teachers all knew about it but I honestly dont remember a time any teacher, especially my IEP one, treated me like a regular kid let alone a severely mentally ill kid (which was why I had to go to that school. Other 2 schools had no IEP.)

There was one boy in my IEP class of 5 kids (me being the only "girl") who lost his brother to an OD and while he was a total dick to me I actually treated him better than any other kid in the school because he was clearly going through it. My iep teacher was never anything but compassionate towards him, but every time she'd open her mouth I knew she was going to scream at me, usually in front of as many people as possible. She once yelled at me in the office being sick and throwing up because I had a huge fever and... it was because I was late to her pull out math class. She physically dragged me and shit, screaming that she couldn't believe I was so lazy and would waste her time like this...and I had enough. She did the same thing when I had to go to therapy and I politely reminded her what day it was, and because I was really Tired I remember telling her "unless a judge saying having to go see a shrink for sexual assault for 8 years is also what makes me a lazy waste of your time."

Thankfully mom came early to pick me up so hers and the office lady (who fuckin. Detested me fr)'s composure shifted before responding. But like, inknew exactly what she was going to say. The same as everyone else.

Like that was just elementary. It got worse in middle and high school. Every year I kept getting more physically disabled and my self harm was so much more obvious and I would do it out in the open so unaware and no one... did anything besides give me the suicide hotline magnent at random and call me lazy, obsessed, and attention seeking.

Except my iep aide who was an angel and didng really talk to me about it buy did things to ease the burden. She probably knew about my ED way before I did and that's why she brought in cookies every day to help my "low blood sugar" and she frequently just did my work for me that was obviously too advanced for me. Talked with me about her tons of cats. Always used my chosen name. Etc. Literally a saint.

Ironically the one time someone pointed out self harm, it was my paternal grandmother, pointing to my fucking thigh stretch marks... in a Tone. It was pretty insulting in the funniest way. Lol.

Tldr: I was the little girl in horror movies and crime shows level fucked up and all any adults said was that it was for attention or that it was annoying so they punished me. So fucking whack lmfao.

[borkingbarnes]

50 questions!

Thank you for the tag @buckyland! You are literally the softest angel and I have mega amounts of love for you. 💗💗

Putting a Keep Reading bar bc its a lil long aha 

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?  Black and red. Though I can't really brush my hair bc brushed out wavy/curly hair = hella frizz :/ 

2. Name a food you never ever eat.  Olives, bell peppers, Brussel sprouts. 

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? Too cold. Always too cold, considering I live in a barren wasteland. 

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?  jamming out in the shower lol 

5. What is your favourite candy bar?  Hershey’s cookies and cream 😍

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game?  I think a professional hockey game when I was in elementary?? 

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? “what the fuck is this shit?” (directed at my final exam review) 

8. What is your favourite ice cream?  Vanilla or oreo! 

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?  Cofy. 💜

10. Do you like your wallet?  Yes!! It was a gift from Christmas! 

11. What was the last thing you ate?  a singular sunflower seed that was on my desk lol

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?  No, I’m not a huge fan of buying clothes if I can't try it on first. However... this hoodie from UO is speaking to me but its so. frickin. expensive.  

13. The last sporting event you watched?  I think a men’s semi-finals volleyball match against UBC that hosted at my uni years ago? I had a huge crush on our setter at the time LOL 

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?  butter or caramel.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?  A text to my bf ranting about how the government will only allow me to get 1 month of BC at a time (before you could get 3-6 months worth at a time), which is fucked bc it just means more trips out?? 

16. Ever go camping?  Yes!! Hoping to go this summer if everything clears up by then.

17. Do you take vitamins?  Occasionally, if I open the cupboard and see it. But only the fruity chewable ones bc they're yummy lol 

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?  No. But my one of my friends does and he was supposed to send in a video of him playing some song for his church’s Easter service bc he’s got a degree in music and just overall v good at his instrument. His brother streaked through in the background of said video. He still sent it in. The church played it for the service. akljsldkj 

19. Do you have a tan?  No, she long faded :(

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?  yes. 100% yes. gimme some of that good good sweet and sour pork ANY day. 

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?  I don't drink soda lol 

22. What color socks do you usually wear?  Those multicoloured Puma ones which everyone has that you can get in a bundle from Costco are all I wear 😂

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?  I usually go like 5 km/h above?

24. What terrifies you?  Failure, not getting anywhere in life, being trapped, losing my mom and grandparents, got reaching my goals. 

25. Look to your left, what do you see?  The disarray that is my unmade bed 

26. What chore do you hate most?  Dishes. 

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?  lol its terrible but they could literally be saying anything but my brain will immediately go “DEOWN UNDAHH” 

28. What’s your favorite soda?  I don't like soda, but will on a rare occasion take a sip of coke or sprite if my bf is drinking it. 

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive?  Drive-thru 100%. I will avoid humans as much as possible lol that and im too lazy to get out of the car most of the time 😅

30. What is your favourite number?  8, 38! 

31. Who’s the last person you talked to?  Like face to face? I guess me mum? 

32. Favourite cut of beef?  T-bone 😍

33. Last song you listened to?  Atlas - Luke Christopher (very fitting for the current times if you ask me, and just overall one of my all time favs.) 

34. Last book you read?  The mind-numbing bullshit that is my textbook. 

35. Favourite day of the week?  Saturdaze

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?  No. I have 1 braincell, and she is not able to complete such an extensive task. 

37. How do you like your coffee?  A good old double double if hot, but I quite enjoy a vanilla iced cofy.

38. Favourite pair of shoes?  My black Nike running shoes in general, my black Timberlands in winter, and my black suede Chelsea boots for a more dressy look! (I enjoy wearing the colour black if you couldn't tell😂)

39. The time you normally get up?  If I don't have any obligations: 10:30-11:30 😅

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? Give me ALL the sunsets. 

41. How many blankets on your bed?  3. I am a cold, cold child. 

42. Describe your kitchen plates.  White, square ones? 

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment?  Littered with papers and writing utensils because my brother does his homework at the dinner table

44. Do you have a favourite alcoholic drink?  Caesars with Walter’s caesar mix 😍😍 Daiquiris are also yum! AND PINA COLADAS. 

45. Do you play cards? I play uno almost everyday on my phone LOL (hit me up if you wanna play together!!)

46. What colour is your car?  Gray 

47. Can you change a tire?  I don’t think so? Though I know the basics? 

48. Your favourite state? Tranquil. At peace. Basically how I feel when I’m floating on my back in water with the sun on my face.  If its US states then I haven't been too too many, but I absolutely adored Florida because of DisneyWorld. I also have some really good memories in Illinois 

49. Favourite job you’ve had?  I still have this job but a vet assistant! 

50. How did you get your biggest scar?  lol. ha im embarrassed. buckle up and prepare for story time. it’s kinda gory(?) so don't read if you don't like that stuff!! 

Box jumps in high school (we had a proper actual gym with weights and machines and stuff). I took my glasses off (idk why I decided to workout in glasses instead of contacts?) bc they kept sliding down every time I jumped. Mind you my prescription is like -5.50 and I have astigmatism so my depth perception is like non-existent without some sort of corrective lenses. But my half blind, non depth perceiving ass was like eh how bad can it be? Well it was VERY bad!! I completely misjudged how high I needed to jump (the box was on the highest side) and basically slammed my shin against the edge of the box (its wooden and very solid!!) and the weight of the rest of my body plus gravity caused my shin to dig and scrape against the edge of the box v deep on the way down. Idk if it was bone or what but there was definitely something flat and whitish in the deepest part?? Nothing broken luckily, but it hurt like a bitch. Found a first aid kit and bandaged myself up and limped around the whole day. Years later, there's still a longish scar and it’s indented along it. 

I also have a fading but quite large scar from road burn when my friend decided it would be funny to push me super fast just out of the blue while I was sitting on a skateboard and not stop me when I started teetering. I was wearing shorts and basically scraped my thigh and part of my butt against concrete. It was painful as fuck and didnt heal for a long time bc it was such a large surface area. I was P I S S E D. 

lol thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far! Tagging some beautiful peeps if y'all want: @evanstar @fightmewiatch @jalapenobarnes @buckthegrump @tropicalcap @sgtjbuccky 

[claimingtheflame]

Lincoln Trail Mental Health Facility Part 1

Once again I want to reiterate that a lot of these posts are diaries I wrote never finished. Some of them jump around in my life. The story is about something that took place several years after D left

I remember the moment I turned in the paper. It was nothing. The last question asked my thoughts on the final death of Juliet. I sympathize. To this day I do. Many people probably do. She ended her life because she was in the grip of a mythic tragedy. Who could walk away from such a fate?

Except. Even though this is exactly how I felt, my teenage brain did not yet have the skills to articulate this. I ended up writing something like "I feel what juliet did was right. The world is ugly and filthy and who wants to live in it without someone you love." Because I was an edgy goth kid.

This would send me into the clutches of my own sort of tragedy. A brutal, destructive storm began churning that friday that would completely knock me out of my stupid unlaced combat boots on monday.

It happened like this. I walked into first period, Biology. I sat next to Adam, my closest friend. A knock came shortly after the period started and it turned out to be a senior girl who wanted me to be escorted to Mrs Mudds office. I did not know who that was. It turned out she was a counselor. She had coppery hair and a long, perky, somewhat simian face.

In this story, there is a long list of incompetant people who should not have had their jobs, and possibly should have been in prison. Mrs Mudd is not one of them. As much as I dislike her to this day. Maybe she did really mean well. Maybe she was just swept away by the drama of the whole situation. This is Elizabethtown KY after all.

We talked for a few hours. Looking back, I really don't think I said anything to her that should have been construed that I was depressed or suicidal. We talked about a secret place I visited in the woods behind my neighborhood. We talked about various religious beliefs and about music I listened to. Either way, my mom picked me up from school and I was somewhat excited for the break-in monotony.

We have drove to Lincoln Trail Behavioral Health Center , and I really didn't know what was happening. I had friends who had gone, but I didn't really believe that's why we were there until I saw the look on my mom's face as we walked in. There was a serious feeling of betrayal then. Like God woman haven't you put me through enough. This was an unfair thought. My mother is the second person blameless in the story. I would find out later that basically everybody from my school was telling her I was planning on killing myself quite literally. Mrs. Mudd had apparently told them that the place in the woods was my planned spot to die. I had self-harmed in the past. It was all pleasure related though and I thought it had nothing to do with my mental health. Either way it had been months prior to this, but it added to the Snowball Effect.

I'll admit that I didn't really understand my own mental health at this age. I had just been released from D's clutches only a few precious years earlier. I had no clue what was going on. I was going through a suspended childhood in many ways. All that said, Lincoln Trail Behavioral Health System did not help or address any my mental health issues. Let me reiterate. Aside from some experimental self harm 6 months prior(I received counseling, was evauted, etc), at age 15 I was pretty well behaved. I rarely got in trouble. I certainly never acted disturbed. Lincoln helped nobody who actually went there. In fact I barely escaped with my life and sanity. This is not a dramatic statement. This was a terrible place, as you will learn.

I was obviously scared the moment I walked into this place, all the stories I heard. We were buzzed through a security door after a few accusatory last looks at my mother when I went in quietly. I heard if you resisted or yelled that they gave you a shot in your ass of some kind of sedative. I did not want to give anybody the satisfaction roughing up the goth kid and shooting them in the ass. This was a short-lived Triumph. I would learn quickly that this place was not for me and that there was some horrible mistake pretty early on . I was led to a room and told to take off my clothes down to my underwear. I was told to turn around in front of this guy, who nodded with approval after watching and told me to put back on my clothes. I was wearing really baggy SpongeBob boxers. I guess I could have gotten away with hiding something into the facility. That's the thing. I wasn't a f****** delinquent. Not yet or not anymore depending on how you look at the chronology of things I did as a teenager. Anyway I do remember a kind moment here. The guard escorted me down a hallway and a girl smiled at me brightly. "It's really not that bad here." She said. I smiled and shrugged. This was more of a kind gesture than I realized, I would find this out later.

I was then led to the office of the first real fuckup in this story. This would be my counselor. I don't remember her name. She was somewhat nice to begin with. I'll call her mrs. Wannabe because later she would read a bunch of poems about her Native American ancestry. This extremely blond, blue-eyed woman with a square German face and freckles. Me and Wannabe would talk for about 30 minutes and she would send me on to my actual psychiatrist. I do remember this man's name. I will never forget it. His name was dr. Kodali. We can call him King fuckup. Fuckup prime.

He was a small man, with a small mustache, and skin the color between a beet and a russet potato. He spoke in broken English. He asked me why I thought I was there. I told him about the paper I wrote. He smiled and said " yes we all say things we don't mean. " he asked me if I follow the rules at home. I said yes as long as they are within reason. He laughed at me and said " my own daughter thinks several of my rules are not within reason. Children come to learn to obey. " we did not talk about depression, and this statement would turn out to be significant in many ways. It would come to outline the failure of this institution to children who actually suffered depression. Which I will admit that back then I might have been suffering from. Certainly anxiety. But who doesnt, to some degree?

Let us frame our Shit Pit King with what I didnt know about him before I explain my own experiences. He received kickbacks for pushing certain medicines. This is an important detail. He had been accused on several occasions of over-prescribing meds. He was widely hated as a doctor, and I can't believe he still has a job.

During my first visit, he was mostly dismissive. Interrupted me and laughed at me often. He was mostly interested in my behavior. If I acted up. If I respected authority. Literally nothing about suicide was discussed. So why did this guy prescribe meds at the end of our conversation? He picked up the phone, called my mother, and gave her the dosage information. I narrowly escaped this medicine, whatever it was, due to a surprising hero figure in the story who we will discuss later.

He dismissed me and I was sent to "group" for the first time. This is nothing like "support groups" you see in Lifetime movies. It was a huge room, an obnoxious amount of desk chairs crammed in a circle. Boys on one side. Girls on the other.

I immediately dislike this. It feels tense, and I feel scrutinized. I try to ask a girl near me if I can use one of her pencils. She folds her arms and rolls her eyes. " I can't talk to him." She says to the ceiling. This gets the attention of the counselor of the group, who is actually just an early 20-somethings aide of some kind, there are a few of these. This one I call Nick neckbeard. He says " we are here to work on our problems, not to date. " I am immediately embarrassed. I definitely wasn't trying to date anybody. I let it go but it does set the tone.

Since I am the new kid, a round of introductions is done. Not a lot of these people are notable other than the fact that a lot of them are in here for drugs. Some are in here as an in-between stage between Juvenile Detention and Society. I get the distinct feeling that most of the boys are here for drugs and violent crime. I reflect bitterly that I am in here for writing a stupid paper.

There are several thug wannabe types, maybe two or three other white guys that aren't like that. One obvious skinhead as well. It's split in half racially. Five white Boys & 5 black. There was a round of introductions. Most were there for, as mentioned, substance abuse and violent behavior. The skinhead boasted of being in because he stuck foreign objects in his body. He stabbed himself with pens and various utensils. Another boy was in for desecrating graves. The girls were almost exclusively substance abuse. There was one Arab girl that was in there, and though she talked much I never quite understood why except that I knew she definitely needed to be in there. She either talked incessantly of sex or repeatedly told this story about a "bad doll" that lived in her house- all in broken english.

So this was the introduction to the place. Honestly yes, I would have problems with the other patients. That's really out of the scope of the story though. They are mental patients. What do you expect?

The true problem with Lincoln trail was its staff and overall structure. Such a problem was this structure that it would break me down to that kernel of a child you see on all the other stories on this blog. Such that Lincoln trail would reduce me again to that boy child whispering a question to the darkness: "Why am I being punished?" It would make me know, through recognition and reinforcement of abusive themes I was already familiar with, that I was not in a safe place.

The first night I felt this first blow through humiliation and guilt. It was a simple thing really. We were sent to bed. A corridor with a small basket on the outside of each door. A female counselor was pointing each of us down the hall to our rooms. When my time came, she pointed vaguely down the hall to the right side. I tried to ask for clarification and she shouted "Right there!" And my immediate reaction to being chastised like this was to go to one of the rooms with my belongings. She did not stop me.

I noticed one of the wooden bed frames(they were double rooms with single bathrooms) had no mattress. My roommate was a boy my age. He had close-buzzed haircut. He seemed politely surprised. I shrugged and got in the shower. When I turned the water off, I heard yelling on the other side of the door.

The boy was yelling angrily that he did not know who I was and that he had nothing to do with me. He was explaining that I came into his room unbidden and to no fault of his own. I dressed quickly and came out of the bathroom as soon as possible. A middle-aged blond woman grabs me by the arm and began leading me out of the room. When I asked her where we were going she did not say anything but tightened her grip and sat me down in a chair. This woman becomes important later. Five minutes later Dr kodali came into the office with my other counselor, both looking at me sternly.

I apologize for not knowing the exact words of the conversation. Basically the boy was supposed to have his room to his self. He was gay and had been known to have had sexual contact with other patients. They grilled me hard about whether or not I was gay and deciding whether I should be disciplined. Dr kodali somehow remembers that that my girlfriend had given testimony(positively) over my mental health and he seemed to leave it at that. The blonde lady didnt seem convinced.

When she led me back to my(actual) room, she took the liberty of going through my clothes and belongings. She confiscated basically all of my clothing, saying that it would distract patients(black jeans and tees...none of my flashier stuff). She confiscated my copy of Cannery Row, all my homework, and my shampoo. She really let off on me while doing this. Talking about how sneaky I was and if I was planning anything with Chester(the gay guy) that she would know.

This was Day 1. I would kneel beside the bed that night and pray(I just prayed to 'the goddess' back then), just to feel peace inside. I was so put-upon about the stupid clothes. They were my armor, in a way.

The next day would be a lot worse. I'd learn a lot.

[nonbinaryproblems]

Wow ok so it’s been a hot minute since I actually posted something on this blog. Most of my replies to asks/messages have featured some version of “omg im so sorry i didnt reply sooner” and honestly I wish I had a better reason for being so inactive but I really don’t. I’m about to start my senior year of high school which means that I just finished my junior year and that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Junior year sucked ass there is no polite way to put it, it was just terrible. 

But even though it was terrible in most ways there were still a few positives so to get myself interested in writing and posting again I’m going to update you guys on them (whether you want to hear it or not). 

GSA last year was a roller coaster of emotions that at times I didn’t think I’d be able to handle but we pulled it off! I was president my junior year and I will be president again this coming year and it is honestly one of the only things that keeps me going sometimes. I think the best thing that happened last year was our Student-Teacher Ally Workshop. We didn’t get a huge turnout but it ended up being okay because our principal showed up and we are going to give our presentation again at a school wide administration meeting in a few months. We are also getting pamphlets printed full of information and resources for teachers and we’ll pass them out at the workshop. As optimistic as I am about my school and my teachers, I didn’t think we’d ever get an opportunity like this to educate them on something that’s so personal to so many kids. And sure it won’t cause change overnight but hopefully it will at least spark a conversation about issues teachers seem too afraid to talk about. 

The AP Psychology teacher invited me to speak to her class in June and it was some of the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I taught them about Stonewall, the AIDS crisis, different identities, and how to be better allies. Almost all of them had a question for me and they were all different it was absolutely nuts. It’s moments like this that remind me that there are good people out there who are willing and open to learning about the community and how they as allies can make a difference. 

I was diagnosed with celiac a little over a month ago and I’m not having a good time so far. 10/10 would NOT recommend a gluten free diet it’s the absolute worst. But if it’s done anything for me, it reminded me of the importance of community. Which is actually why I’m back here. Reading all of those blogs and articles online about how to cope with celiac and how to actually live a semi-normal life with the disease made me want to be that person again. And whether or not I’m as consistent as I used to be is still to be determined but I’m going to try. 

That being said please send asks for prompts or things you want me to write about!! I have a few ideas but I don’t wanna run out and leave again ya feel? So feel free to ask me questions about legit anything and I’ll do my best to answer. 

I hate to sound selfish but I’m posting and writing again less to help other people and more to help myself. I miss the creative outlet this blog gave me and I miss how healing it can be to write out my problems and help other people with theirs. I avoided coming back for a while because writing something down makes it real and that’s scary. There have been moments that I wanted to write about but they were personal and hurtful and terrible. I could have used the support of my community but I was too scared to put these things into words and I regret that decision because I missed this blog. But then I realized that fear is easier to deal with than keeping your problems to yourself and letting them consume you and your whole life. So… I’m back :)

[khaycaprithewriter]

The Black Sheep

I really wanted to start of this next post with a short story. I remember a conversation I had with my cousins, Ben and Kiera. I do not remember exactly how it started but we ended up talking about me being adopted and all the feelings and emotions tied into it that I have experienced. They both told me something that took me by surprise. “We didn’t even know you were adopted, we just knew we were cousins”. It was all just love, genuine family love and they didn’t love me any different or any less. No matter what, we were family. I have always wanted to write about my life being a black girl in an all white family. I did not want to write it really for myself but, for all of you. All my life I have been asked “oh, whats it like being adopted?” or “oh your family is white? How is that?” and my usual response is, “what do you mean HOW is it?” like they’re asking a waiter about a dish on a goddamn menu! Its rude, its insulting to me, it makes me feel like an alien on mars. We all have family whether it is blood or not they are my family. Its not weird, its beautiful and normal and the fact that people still question this is getting so annoying. So many kids are born and unwanted or mistreated by a parent who does not even give a fuck about them. But, here I am brought into this world by a woman who was not able to raise me and chosen by a woman who had been praying for a daughter like me. I was chosen, I was wanted by an entire family ready to welcome me with love and care, genuine love and care. Now, another thing I wanted to address is how I was adopted. I have had multiple people throughout my life ask me “what was it like to be an orphan?” IS THIS ANNIE? I swear some of y'all swear we live in 1932 and I was left at the steps of an orphanage and my mom just happened to stumble across me and take me and raise me. NO, I was not an orphan. My birth mom was a crackhead, had aids, went to jail. There was no way she was able to keep me even if she wanted to. I am not going to go too into my adoption because I already made a post about this on my instagram. Just know that I was not an orphan. Growing up, I never felt different and to be honest, I felt like everyones family looked just like mine because my best friend from childhood had a white sister and they had black parents. It was normal to me, it was all normal to me until the first time I got called a nigger. This little ugly boy from elementary school said “do you know what a nigger is?” I said “no but I know it is a bad word and I don't like it” he proceeded to say “well, its what you are! You're a nigger, my daddy said you're a nigger”. My heart broke, I was so hurt because I still had no idea what it meant and when I figured out what is was I cried for hours. “Am I different than you?” I often asked my mom and she always assured me that I was not. But “nigger” kept ringing in my head every time I walked into that classroom. I was only 7 or 8 at the time. Growing up, this was my harsh reality. Any time I went anywhere with my family we would get stared at. The looks that people gave us were so nasty, like they were trying to figure out why I am out in public in an all white town with these white people. Whenever I am with my family and were shopping and I put my stuff with theirs on the counter, “oh aren't you going to separate that?” then we say “no were all together”  THEY ARE SHOOK. “oh....okay.” Its embarrassing that we live in a world where we cannot even shop together without getting looked at. I can't walk down the street with them and not get stares. When I go out in public with Naomi AND my family, they REALLY try to figure that one out! How is this older white lady with a black girl and her baby? They never assume that I am her daughter and she is her granddaughter. It hurts that I can go out with Rasheeds family and nobody bats a fucking eyelash. Yet, when I go out with my family the security cards look me up and down and people try to figure us out. I have a family, an amazing one at that. But I still feel sad whenever I go out with them because nobody just sees us as “family”.What kills me is when I go on vacation with my family and join them at the pool or at the beach and they assume I just crashed their party or just took one of their spots, so close minded and so hypocritical.  I went to my godmothers funeral hysterically crying only to find out almost nobody knew who I was. I went to my grandmothers funeral and my grandfather was holding my hand and this lady walks up to me and says “Its really quite nice that you showed up today” I said “excuse me?” she continued to say “well usually home health aids do not come to these things” My heart sank and I will never forget the look on my grandfathers face. He was so hurt, so confused, so angry” he gripped my hand hard and I laid my head back on his shoulder and said “Im their granddaughter”. The lady chuckled emabressed and walked away. It was the saddest feeling I felt and this was yet again one of the only times I felt different and like I did not belong. I had wondered if anyone would ever see this as my family and the older I get I feel like nobody will ever understand. So no, there is nothing different about my family to me, but to YOU it is different. Its foreign, its taboo, its unnatural. All because my skin is darker than theres. My family has always loved me, accepted me, been there for me no matter what the circumstances. I have so much family and so much genuine love people wish they could have from their own families. I think whoever reads this should take a second look before they ever judge me again, before they ever question about what its “like” being adopted. I do not feel different than them, but others will do anything in their power to make sure I do. There is no other way to describe it other than, that IS 100% my real family, I didnt just join, I was here from the go. They're not my “white people” they are my family and if I ever here anyone comment on them or call them my “white family” I will confront you and shut down your comments. Also to answer one last burning question, yes they are all mostly republican, yes our thanksgivings are interesting, no we do not agree 100% on everything but we are able to talk about things and talk about how we feel about certain things. We talk, we state our opinions and then we are back to normal back to family. Just because we have different political points does not mean they are going to shut down my opinions or “disown” me and I will not just shut them out of my life. That is the problem in our society today, we are so quick to block and delete just over someone else opinion when we don't even know what they are going to say! 

I hope you all really enjoyed this blog, I know its lengthy again but theres a lot that has to be said about things. Especially, if you are the one asking for answers to these questions. I appreciate you all so much! Look out for the next post, its going to be something very personal and I am really nervous about posting it so please send good vibes my way! I want to be as open as possible with everyone. I love y'all, stay tuned!

[isas-identity]

Lance Vs Shiro: Same ending??

Or what I like to call: Why you should be more mad about Lance’s ending than Shiro’s ending in the clusterfuck called “Voltron’s horrible writing”.

Shiro and Lance had very similar endings in the last episode of Voltron, to put it in simple words: They decided to live a quiet life after the war.

This is kinda long, so i will add everything under the cut, i just want to say sorry for any gammar mistakes beforehand.

How, Lance decided to live in a farm with his family and “Surround himself with The Things He Loves”. Meanwhile Shiro got last-minute married with a dude and “Found his happiness and left the War Efforts Behind”. There’s been a LOT of negative reactions from the fans though, because these endings seemed lazy, out of character, etc. But there’s always a big difference in the spectrum:

People who are upset over Shiro marrying a “nobody” who talked like 2 times, and after Shiro being so happy being the captain and leader of the ATLAS, was being pushed aside to live a quiet life, dont care about Lance’s ending.

People who are upset about Lance’s lackluster ending of working on a farm after being clear about his liking of adventure, giving him a clearly racist ending, and never forgetting or moving on from Allura, don’t mind Shiro’s.

Though they DO think the other’s ending wasnt executed nicely, they don’t think the ending itself is bad per se.

And i know it’s been almost a month since VLD finished, but i found myself wondering why is that i am madder about Lance’s ending tha Shiro’s. So let’s break it down point to point and compare them.

Execution:

When we get to the time-skip, before the explanations of what happenned in the rest of their lifes, we see:

Shiro working as an embassador between planets, still a captain of the ATLAS, traveling through the universe to try and unify planets alongside Hunk who uses his food to help leaders see eye-to-eye.

Lance talking to some kids, telling them about Allura’s sacrifice, and telling them he now works and lives helping out on a farm.

Wich, together with their end cards, gives us the conclutions that:

After their last fight with honerva, Shiro was still Captain of the ATLAS for a few years, he married and decided to retire. We do not know if he married BEFORE or AFTER retiring though. Also, we do not know if he kept working or not after his retirement, since it was only said that he left the “War efforts behind and found happiness”. You can see a lot of things happened during his life as he moved on though.

Even if we, as audience didn’t see it, Shiro spent a few years dating his husband before marrying him, and event though it was pulled out of nowhere as a band-aid, it didn’t felt rushed since it was something that happenned years down the line and out-of-camera. So we are left without any kind of opinion about his relationship with his husband. This also means he spent more time as a captain of the ATLAS than some people seem to believe.

After their last fight, Lance retired from being a paladin and started working on his family’s farm, who suddenly have a family farm,before the war was even completely gone. And then he...kept working on his farm and sometimes talked to little kids about Allura.... thats about it.

It is not said if he “found love” or “happiness” or did anything else than farm and plant junniberries.

Their struggles before retirement:

Now, In this one we need to take a minute to compare these two characters during the show.

There are two things people say when discussing about their endings: “He loved adventure, it was his dream to pilot!! why the heck would he retire!!!!” and the more understanding “Well, he went through a LOT during the war, maybe he had enough and wants to take it easy from now on!".

                  Let’s start with the “They want adventure!” point:

Starting off with Shiro, they say: “He left his fiance because he wanted to be in space that bad! he didnt care if he died!” But i think people misunderstand some things about Shiro in this regard, principally: he was fucking dying.

Shiro had an illness that would leave him unable to move his body before it killed him.

He wanted to prove himself, and go to space, before his body stopped working.

He wanted to leave his mark on history, before he was bound to be stuck on a wheelchair unable to even go to the bathroom, cook or dress himself, so he had something left behind.

So i think people are misplacing his “wanting adventure”, it was more of a cry to wanting to do something with his life before being a vegetable. He was scared of getting nothing done and live his life never doing anything that amounted to anything. Afterwards this problem was solved, wich is not to say he wasn’t happy being apointed being the new captain of the ATLAS and traveling the universe. He WAS. He is a responsible leader and he deserved that position, but he never gave up being a captain after the fight with honerva, again, he was the captain for a few years before retiring when he chose to.

Now, going to Lance’s side, now this kid DID love adventure, breaking the rules, attention, etc. During the series you could see:

Him sneaking out of the Garrison and breaking rules.

Getting inside of alien ships and proceeding to pilot them before the others could finish reacting to seeing an alien ship for the first time.

whooping and hollering while flying in battle.

Actually looking very happy to help others and not backing down at the oportunity to do so.

and that was... like, in the first 3 episodes.

       Now to the “They went through a LOT, they want a quiet life now!

Ok, bear with me and let me just run a thing through you all first.

Shiro is in his late 20′s, probably already 30, an adult and was Captain of the ATLAS for a few years before retiring.

Lance is fucking 18, maybe 19, he’s still a fucking embryo, and probably still has a lot of things to figure out about himself, but still decided to run a farm the instant they defeated Honerva i guess.

Now, during the war Shiro:

Was taken against his will and made a slave in space, was made to fight in the arena for entertanment and fought monsters and probably other aliens, probably even had to kill during this time.

Lost his arm and was experimented upon.

Crashed into earth and lost his memories.

Became the leader of a rag-tag tem of teens in space that was the only hope for the universe.

Suffered of PTSD during all of this.

Almost died a lot of times.

Died.

Became a clone.

This clone proceeded to: Betray his friends, help and spy for Honerva, almost killed Keith, who’s the closest person to him at the time.

Lost his arm again.

Almost got killed by Keith too.

He got his consiousness trasspassed from the Black Lion into the body of his clone, wich, almost rejected him and made him die. Again.

Found out his ex-fiance died and earth was almost anihilated.

We never knew anything about his family, but im sure they died since they never appeared???

etc.

Now, with Lance:

He almost died once, and the fandom is pretty sure he died one time after that but since Allura’s powers are weird we are not even sure what the hell happened there.

He felt doubtful about his position on the team.

He missed his family a lot

The girl he liked didnt like him back...?

His girlfriend of a month and a half sacrificed herseld and died.

uhhh... yeah.

And, like, no. I dont mean to say Lance is a cry-baby because he didnt go through as many things as shiro, or the others. The problem with this, is that it makes no sense because fucking lance never had an arc. The writers never cared about giving him some usefulness, or something that made him shine through, and when he was left at the end, they had nothing for him to do. So they gave him a farm.

But like, even after all the bullshit shiro went through, he moved on with his life, he found happiness and love, was still the captain of the ATLAS for some time before retiring, etc.

But Lance, someone who was so cheerful and up to help other people, who didnt left anything bring him down, just... decided to work on a farm for the rest of his life. Not moving on or anything, wich... yeah, it’s weird.

Keith, who almost died in space 971283678 times, found out he was Fucking Galra, was left alone by his parents, found his mother, was stuck in a space whale’s back for 2 years, was stuck on a leadership position he didnt want?? after uniting the Galra and helping put an end to the war he made a Humanitary Relief Organization, to help people with low resources in the universe.

Pidge? She lost her brother and father, ran away from home, got stuck on a war at fucking 15, had to learn how to fight and pilor, since, you know, she wasnt even a pilot in the first place. Almost lost her father to Zarkon, and believed for some time her Brother was dead. Bue she founded a Space Defenders organization to fight for justice in fucking space, and kept inventing tech to keep helping the universe and fight for the weak.

Hunk? He was a coward, he didnt even wanted to sneak out the garrison, much less get stuck on a space war! He didn’t want to fight, he didn’t want to die. His family was even captured on earth, unlike Lance’s. But he learned to be brave, and fought for people’s freedom. He became a diplomat, and learned how to hone his cooking skills to bring people together, so he became a Culinary Embassador to keep the peace in the universe.

They all are doing something with their lifes to help heal the universe after the war. Even after all they went through together. Even shiro helped for a few years before retiring, exept Lance. Who’s a farmer for some reason.

And i’m not saying that fighting on a War isn’t traumatizing enough, I’m just saying that if someone deserves to find love, retire, and live in the fucking bahamas on eternal vacation for the rest of his life, is Shiro. poor guy needed a break a long time ago.

WICH brings me to the last point of this really long essay:

It’s Implications:

   It is sad that the only reason we got a wedding with shiro was like a bandaid from the lash-back they had from Adam’s death and the constant Bury Your Gays trope. But let me tell you something: it wasn’t badly done. Yeah, I woul’ve liked to see more of Curtis to get to know him, or maybe see Shiro and Him having some kind of interaction before being slapped with a wedding a few years down the line, but that was it. The point of it (appart from rebuilding the bridge with the LGBT+ comunity) was to make it clear that Shiro found love and happiness in his life, wich im happy he did, and this does not contradict anything his character is about:

It makes it clear that it doesnt matter how dark things are right now, it will pass and you will be happy someday, you can still make your dreams come true, you have to fight for it.

It doesnt matter if you lost your arm, got a horrible scar across your face, got white hair, etc. You can find love, you can still lead a happy life.

Now with Lance is way more jarring. He has this “good boy” storyline with his girlfriend, wich sucks since he could’ve been made into an “anyone can be a hero, it doesnt matter if you’re not specially good at anything!” but alas they missed that mark. He really didn’t had any storyline for himself perse, he became The Boyfriend and stayed that way.

He went from “Ohh, I dont feel like i have a place in the team since everyone is awesome and has abilities and I dont” one season to “The girl I like doesn’t like me back!” on the next.

In the last season we got this “The girl I like is finally dating me!” to “oh no, the girl I loved died after dating me for a month”

Then proceeded to “Let me go work in a farm and plant her favorite flowers on it, while I never stop loving her and never move on and keep telling everyone about her sacrifice forever and ever! War who?? My girlfriend sacrificed herself for peace but let me just ignore the war exists still!”

Wich is... sad. They literally never gave anything to Lance to apport to the team or the universe apart from being there for Keith and Allura when they needed cheering up. And even if he himself says “oh im happy, i have a quiet life and that’s how i like it now!” when you think about his ending, you dont feel that way. He literally has nothing, exept his family and flowers.

So yeah, i dont mind Shiro’s ending. It was one of the last things wrong with the ending of the show, even if it was made for the wrong reasons. And i do believe, people should stop hating on it only because they wanted him to happy his little brother whom is almost 10 years younger than him

And yeah, I do think Lance’s ending was racist. I myself am latina, even have a grandfather who owns a farm. Would i go work in his farm for the rest of my life after losing someone i loved? Fuck no. I do not know shit about farms, or farming. He isnt even shown to be specially good with animals, no more than the rest of the gang. And sincerely, that he cut’s himself from the universe and his friends anddoesnt even do anything to help or reconstructing the universe only sounds like depression to me.

But alright then, to each their own in what they want to believe.

[showcub]

boyfriend!au shownu

you were working as a part-time barista at a small cafe near your uni 

because you were always broke as hell and the financial aid was not enough

also you did not want to burden your parents to cover your monthly expenses 

studying + working + extra curricular activities took up a lot of your time that you never even had a crush on a guy eVER

like sure that one guy in programming is fine but you knew you were wayyyy out of his leaugue

your friends set up different blind dates to widen your dating experience but they never work out

like that one guy is okay but he never pay for any your meals and is conSTA NT Ly brOke and always trying to get on your nerves

the other guy was sO full of himself and that just disgusts you and never saw him ever again

but one day you sat there behind the counter and then you heard the bell rang and your head instantly moved to look at the door

and goddamn

what a hot guy

with muscular arms wearing a white shirt and some ripped jeans

with his bed head he sO CUte but also hOT like the duality

and he came straight to you and you words get twisted and got some lump up in the throat

“h-hi, h-how can i-i help y-you?” 

he chuckled (tHAT CHUCKLE) and you felt that cupid arrow shot right on that spot on your heart

“one iced americano, please.”

and you took the cash with your trembling hands and he just look at you

“first day, i guess?”

and you’re like…………………….no//…………………………………..

and he’s like……………second day????

and you’re like no………………….probably 87th day………………………….

anyway he picked up the pager and went to sit at one of the tables and wait

and you immediately squealed and hide behind the counter and your coworker looked at you like “don’t tell me you don’t know who that is-”

your face were so blushed and you’re just like “JUST TELL ME WHO THAT IS”

“he’s shownu you dumbass, he goes to your uni and apparently the guy every girl is chasing after”

then you realised that he was just another guy out of your league 

you got up and saw he was picking up his drink and when he was about to make his way out of the cafe you shouted “HAVE A NICE DAY”

he turned around and smiled and winked and your heart,,,,,,your pitiful heart,,,,,,the merciless wink…/.///..

and the very next day he kept coming back and that it became a daily routine and a necessity for him to come and get himself ‘the usual’

and you’re just like please have mercy on my weak heart don’t make me fall for you every single day and he just kept coming back everyday

and one day you were sick and had a day off and your coworker texted you “y/n!!!!!!!!!!!! the g OD shownu came looking for you”

so you squealed jumped screamed let out the biggest uwu ever then you’re like please don’t make this kind of joke 

but she’s like i’m not kidding………………………

then the next day you came to work and HE CAME 

he went like “you weren’t here yesterday”

and your heart went boom boom BOOM BOom MOVOVMDBEBJKA 

“i was sick” then he gave you the cash as per usual but he slid a piece of paper between it and when you were counting the cash

you saw it and read the paper

“i’d like to get to know you better. meet me down the street when your shift is done tomorrow so that i’ll know the feeling is mutual”

you could’ve sworn your cheeks were the pinkest pink and he just smiled and said “get well soon”

and you looked over to your coworker like yOU DIDNT JUST TELL HIM WHEN MY SHIFT ENDS

and she’s like thank me later ok

so the next day you didn’t contemplate at all to meet him or not 

but after your shift ends you and your coworker like fixed your hair and sprayed some mist and changed to your outfit (read: a shirt, a pair of jeans and converse)

and she’s like you knew you were going to meet him yet you dress so boring

but you just shook it off because it’s freaking 10 PM and you just gotta be yourself ladies ;)

so you grabbed your bag and nervously walked down the street to find him leaning over the lamp post while watching you walked over to him

and he flashed that smile and he’s just like i should introduce myself properly so he cleared his throat and lend out his hand for a handshake and goes “i’m shownu and i’m an actuarial science major”

hOL UP i thought you were into some PE shit or something but instead you took his hand into a handshake and just said “i’m y/n and i’m studying software engineering”

and you guys walked around the city playing 20 questions (but it was more than 20) to get to know each other and good lord you learned a lot about him

said his hobby is dancing and he was in a dance crew and entered a lot of underground dance battles and he wasn’t into sport that much just he likes to work out to be fit 

and he looked at you with full awe and adoration 

whenever you guys walked side to side your hand brushed with his and gave you a tingling sensation 

the temptation to intertwine your hand with his is real

when it was almost 12AM he brought you to a diner where you guys shared a vanilla milkshake because you insisted that it was violating your diet but he’s just like you know you beautiful whatever size you are

and it was almost 1AM that both of you were back at the dorm where he showed you where to sneak into the uni compound without getting caught 

and he’s like jump i’ll catch you but you were so scared to jump off that 5 ft wall but you jumped anyway

and he caught you and you both stared into each other’s eyes and just 

you cleared up your throat and he put you down and he was just awkwardly scratching the back of his head

and you gave your phone to exchange numbers 

and you guys said goodbye once again and he just pulled you closer and leave a kiss on your cheek and bring his lips to your ears and whispered looking forward to more dates

and he turned around and gave you a wink and he shouted “HAVE A NICE DAY”

so the months passed by and you guys went on a lot of  d a t e s but one day he was waiting you at the iconic lamp post and he said “i’m going to do something and only react if you feel the same”

BOY hOL UP WHATCHA SAy-

he cupped your face and brought his face closer to yours and his eyes were staring at your lips which made you did the same thing so you closed your eyes

he gently crashed his lips against yours and your lips danced with his 

and he stopped and you opened your eyes just to see that SMILE and he’s like “be mine?” and you just “yes please” and kissed him once again

so dating “the guy every girl was chasing after” was pretty wild like the news spread throughout the uni like realllly fast

and they were some girls like quESTIONINg,,,, why,,,,, y/n,,,,like ???? the audacity ???? really ???????

but your friends were the happiest

because y/n………….finally……..hAS A BOyfrIEND and thE bOYfRiEnD was g0d shownu himself like///

anyway every saturday night is the “new restaurant tryout” and most of the new restaurants you guys went to were good and shownu being shownu would 11/10 come back

and you would come over to the dorm and binge on pretty little liars which shownu never watched

and you ACCIDENTALLY spoil the plot for the next episode and he was like pouting 

sometimes you two got very busy with uni that you guys almost didn’t meet for one whole week and he missed you

so he came over to your dorm and cuddle in bed while catching up with each other while giving you back rubs

he ’’’’’’’’’’lends’’’’’’’’’’ you a lot of his sweatshirts and once you gave it back to him and he said keep it but you were like i’m not giving it back

and he scrunched together his eyebrows what do you mean?????

so you explained “i’m returning it so you can wear it and have your scent on it and give it back to me” and he smILED THAT SMILE and gave you a peck on the lips

when the finals were coming up you two would hang around in the library to have a revising session and five minutes in he already put his head on the table

and you keep encouraging him like WE CAN DO THIS

and he’s like yes YOU can do this

and you’re like NO WE CAN DO THIS

and he’s just like……………..ok……………………………….and he let out the loudest WE CAN DO THIS and the everybody were looking at you two and the old library lady literally gave you the first and last warning

you two would just go on lunch dates and he got his phone out and facetimed his mum just to show how beautiful his girlfriend is

you love subway rides with shownu because you would share the earphones and let him pick the music and the music always suit the vibes

sometimes you would follow him up to his dance practices you definitely swerve when the beads of sweats would cover up his whole body and how his dance moves were really sharp and smooth and.......hot

that one time he came over to your dorm and once he hugged you he could feel,,,,,the wet vibes.,,,, like sHOWNU IS CrYING WELP

and you just hold him tight and and caressed his body and kissed his forehead and he got all soothed up

you rarely fight with him but whenever yall fight he’ll be so frustrated and couldn’t even leave you alone

when you said “leave me alone” he was thinking hard if it was a sign for him to leave or to just hold you tight

but he’ll be the one to apologise first and you....would always feel sorry about that.....because sometimes....you know....it wasn’t his fault....but your ego

he’ll be the first one to say i love you and his face got all red and he started beating himself up when you didn’t say it back and you found it cute and beautiful and you just love him so fucking much

he likes to play with your hair a lot so you taught him how to braid and do fishtail braid

and sometimes you would find random tiny cute lil braid on your hair and it’s just too cute

it would be so fun to cook for him because he eats everything, anything

one time he said he craved homemade pancake so bad

so you decided to make one for him for breakfast but you definitely forgot you put it on the stove

so one side of the pancake is burned

but he still eats it and gives you forehead kisses for cooking for him

shownu: it’s made out of love

this is my first time writing an au! if you all have any request, i’m always open and i would love to get some feedback or critics in which i can improve. please bear with the grammar and the tenses i was so into it i didn’t even know when to use present or past tense!

find more from the series: boyfriend!au wonho, boyfriend!au minhyuk, boyfriend!au kihyun, boyfriend!au hyungwon, boyfriend!au jooheon

boyfriend!au i.m coming up soon!

[lobothebuilder]

Hello! I may need some assistance!

And by "may" I mean "i'm much too polite to just say please help me in the opening title". I have never done this before, but I'm not seeing much of a choice. I have been diagnosed with H. Pylori. It usually isnt harmful, and a large percentage of Americans have it. But for some people it can be pretty bad. For me, it's terrible. I am nauseous all the time, i vomit a lot, and have recently begun vomiting just straight blood. I have insurance through work and i was able to see a doctor which is how i know whats specifically wrong with me. On top of the regular,terrible symptoms of Pylori, it has also caused gout. I always thought gout was something old people or pirates got. But it isn't. It is terrible. Gout is basically super painful arthritis. I can barely move. It started in my toes and is now in most of my body including my fingers and back. I can barely move which sucks because i still have to work.

I have recently found out that the meds are 677 dollars. The same day, my car stopped working. I have learned that fixing it will cost me about 300. And obviously i cannot afford that. So I am seeking help from wonderful internet people who would like to assist. I need to raise 977 dollars very soon because at the moment i cant get to work, which sucks because i need to eat and pay rent and this will likely seriously damage my chances of getting the promotion i was supposed to be getting.

If you would like to know some about me before donating to me I totally understand. I am a 27 year old man. I am black, though my grandfather was Native American enough to be accepted as part of a tribe, but i didnt really learn much about that so I only claim my blackness. I am gay, and I live in the state of North Carolina. I was adopted by a woman who also adopted my 4 younger siblings when they came around even though she had 3 of her own kids and also a step child. I also claim my older non adopted siblings so in total i have 15 siblings. I have a very large family but most of my siblings are either far less stable than myself and not in a good position to aid me, or are stable but also expecting babies while taking care of the small kids they already have and cant spare the cash. My hobbies include gunpla building, but i dont post my own builds because i am still learning. I also enjoy writing and hope to one day do it for a living. I also dont post my writing because i currently have strong mental health issues centered on any thing i make of real meaning and thus can't seem to write anything i believe in without a lot of mental and emotional work.

I have never posted anything like this before, i do not typically ask for help from anyone with anything. I was once evicted and lived in my car because my anxiety keeps me from asking people for things. I have done a lot of work in that regard, and i am hoping this is a positive experience. If you can help at all please donate to my paypal, link below. If you see this and can't donate but would still like to help, please reblog this. Either of those things goes a long way towards treating this horrible pain and nausea and also towards keeping me in the best job ive had so far. Thank you.

[dodosinsane]

Cheer up Florence Nightingale

Pt 1

Dared. As in the past. Daring. I was never afraid.

Night. I run , all sweaty. Footsteps. Somebody reeking of alcohol . A corner. Black corner.

I always wake up to the same dream. Panting. Sweating. But always stuck in the same place. Not daring. Not moving. Stiff.

I always wake up to the same dream, or how to put it .. nightmare. Or maybe not. A bad reality.

"Cheer up Florence Nightingale"

And so i get up. I am Flor , a twenty year old girl , Flor. I have a disorder. A few.

First: i am very repetitive. I like to call this a mental disorder so i can justify myself for always doing the same things.

Second : i am forgetful. I called this a trauma of something i dont really remember, you know , forgetful.

I have no memory of some past events. I dont remember half of my senior year of highschool.

Third: I dream of situations that never happened. In a repetitive way.

Fourth: i have no talents. Zero.

So i say , cheer up Florence Nightingale. Who is she and why i call myself that way? She was a war nurse in 17-th century. She was also called The lady with the lamp. When i was little and when my father used to came from the war , he would always try to do things for our home late at nights , like fix a chair , the grass outside , the roof. So sometimes at night i would flash a light and try to help him , so i was the lady with the lamp. He would tuck me to bed and tell me that Florence used to stay up all night long and try to heal the wounded solders , that she was daring and capable of everything. Just like me.

"How do you know"-i used to ask "How do you know she was daring , you never met her ? "

He would just laugh it off , but then again he would be so trusting and innocent back then, he also thought i was capable of anything. He never met me now , 20 years old , a loser.

I didnt get to become a nurse. I didnt get to become anything. I filled out tons of applications, jobs , trainings , everything.

Name: Flor Davison

Gender: Female

College : None

Other languages: None

Computer skills : average

Special talents: none

Dreams: a lot , but not that you would be interested in.

I get up to do the same things i did yesterday. Eat , watch tv , go search for jobs, eat, have basic interactions with my mother, text one single friend i got that studies abroad, sleep.

I did the same today.

I got up and went to buy a newspaper. I saw something on the yellow pages , an assistant at a first aid center. They didnt have an email address just a phone number , so i called them.

They didnt ask for much except height , weight , gender and age.

-1.67, 54, female, 20.

-Your parameters fill the criteria , so you can come tomorrow for the final screening.

That was a first. So i patiently waited for tomorrow.

I brushed my teeth, fixed my hair, put on clothes and went.

-hello im Flor , we spoke on the phone?

-Yes, im Grace yes, so you were the first to call and we were sort of in a hurry so we didnt have time for an official screening an interviews. You were lucky ,i guess..

She had short hair and big glasses , round and thick , like the ones you would have made fun of if you were in highschool. Small and a little chubby . Her face showed a few wrinkles ,she was 35 maybe? She looked unfocused and easily frightened , a nerd.

-So umm this is the room , the supplies are all here , if something is broken you have to report it . You dont have troubles with watching blood huh? I hope not ,the last girl was troublesome honestly, too weak at heart.

-Unm, Its an assistant right ? I will keep notes and timetables?

She looked confused.

-No its more like a -she paused and went to the desk to take a newspaper. -That idiot Jersey. I clearly told him not to do that anymore. There we go wasting time again.

She looked at me like she was doomed .

-Sweetie look, you are supposed to help the teacher on giving lectures , you see he gets easily distracted and has tons of other things to do . So there are different classes . First aid, blood sampling , medicines , how to treat a wound. You know. But since i said the professor is easily distracted , he cant talk while performing , he can only do one thing at a time , and thats what your job is . He talks you act , he acts you talk. But no pressure , if you want to leave its okay we are used to it , no biggies.

-Its not that, its more that i dont know what to do or say, im have 0 information.

-Oh yeah sure, stupid of me. Here. -she disappeared and came back after a few minutes with a handbook and two Cd-s

-So you can read these and watch the videos here. Its a recorded class. Its what you are going to do today. So the salary has 4 zeros just in case you were wondering.

Four zeros was a big thing for me , a first thing actually. Would i die to try it out. Whatever. Of course i would say yes.

I took everything in my hands. She smiled and said that my first class was at 2 pm. It gave me 4 hours to prepare. It would be a blood collecting and processing . How hard can it be? I went home and played the videos. There was a young man , more than a professor explaining. He looked cheerful but concentrated. Black hair. I couldnt see his face because he was performing but i saw the girl . She had red hair and blue eyes. Such a pretty combination. I memorized a few words. Three ways of collecting blood , needle , skin , pinch. Great , i got this.

When i arrived the professor was already there. He didnt even look at me but said to bring him the tools.

I went to the supply shelf to get them but they weren't there.

-whats taking you so long ? -he asked with a not so patient kind of voice.

-They arent here.

-what?

-They arent here , they should be in the supply room.

I ran there and searched for the tools but they weren't there. Grace wasnt in her office . Instead i find a note that said "back at four". Great .

I went to class to let the professor know.

-Are you dense? -he shouted

-Excuse me?

-The first thing they tell you when you come here is to report if something is missing and you cant even do that.

-Um im sorry but im new here and umm...

-and ? I should cut you some slack ?

The damned ignorant was getting on my nerves.

-no its my first day and probably the things went missing when the last girl was here , how was i supposed to know. As i said im new.

-You have been saying that you are new for the past week.

He still didnt turn his head to look at me.

-well if you would look at me you would know that its my first day .

He turned his head and his brown eyes stared at me. Confused and dreamy.

-Who are you?

-I am Flor , the new girl.

-Well Flor todays class is canceled .

-Umm what should i do now?

-call the students , what else?

He turned his head and started writing his notebook. I didnt have his attention anymore so i went to Graces office and started to make calls. She came at exactly four pm and by the look of it she already knew the class was off. She handed me a list of a few things i should do and sat in her chair ignoring me.

Clean. Rooms , supplies , print sheets , prepare for the next class which was tomorrow at 11. The building wasnt small, but it looked dead. Not a lot of people. It was two floors and white painted. It looked like a school but it smelled like a hospital. After seven i started seeing people and hearing noises amd Grace would lead them to a door that i didnt have access to. Not that i cared.

I didnt see the professor anymore. Come to think of it , he looked so young , maybe 26 but he had a tired and pale skin and not so strong arms.

Grace told me my shift ended at 10 but if i had finished i could leave a little early. So i left at 9 and went home.

I told the news to mom. I told her i was an assistant. She didnt ask anything else but she seemed pleased.

I texted Brianne. I feel asleep

Cheer up Florence Nightingale.

[violetrance]

Idk where this sudden burst of confidence came from but i am seeing people who were doubtful are now so sure of klance endgame. Yes Jeremy said something will happen but I am still doubtful and I could beat myself up for it but he could be talking about any one not just klance. Sorry but I have been in a fandom where people were so sure of this pairing becoming canon and it had so much evidence as well but it didnt happen. I was confused and heartbroken and Im scared to be diappointed again.

Lemme say this first, if Klance doesn’t become canon it’s not a big deal okay? I know a lot of ppl will be disappointed, but don’t let this rule over your life. And you can still ship them even if they aren’t canon, cuz tbh a lot of fanon has made this ship more enjoyable rather than canon :)

But on a side note, I’m going to summarize some really solid proof and evidence that Klance has a very good chance at becoming canon:

1. Jeremy emphasising that something might happen between two characters in terms of the LGBTQ rep in the show

(Let me also say that Keith and Lance will obvs not be the only LGBTQ rep in the show, but in terms of Jeremy’s wording they have a very good chance at being apart of this rep as a same sex couple)

- Lance will have an end game romance (his romance will bring him in a different place than where he first started in the series, they will be someone he needs instead of someone he wants, Jeremy also mentioning that eventually you’ll find that one person instead of kind of going all over the place) - In terms of this, when did we REALLY start to see Lance mature and branch off into his arc, s3 with Keith. Not to mention their last interaction was with Keith reassuring Lance about his position on the team, this obviously helped him bcuz look at him now

(- Also Lance needs someone who is self assured - Keith is off on his own arc too and he’s come across his mother. His mother is the main reason why Keith isn’t self assured and afraid of rejection. Him meeting her again will definitely help improve his character as a whole)

- Lance parallels Blaytz, the original Blue paladin, like to the point where it’s not even a coincidence (Blaytz was shown flirting with a male) - adding onto this, the amount of bi flag symbolism portrayed around Lance and even some of his moments with Keith isn’t coincidental, but very purposeful. Lance making similar expressions towards Keith as he has Allura?? Allura and Keith paralleling each other?? These are also not coincidences. Lauren’s art with Lance holding the LGBTQ sign a long with Shiro, someone he’s looked up to and will most likely be an aid to him through this? Just like Hunk was to Keith for his Galra reveal, and Allura was to Pidge during her Gender reveal (Shiro is most likely LGBTQ too, just like how Allura is a female in terms of gender, and Hunk is Samoan in terms of race) 

- That being said since Keith literally fits the characteristics of Lance’s end game and he is NOT straight, but also Lance will most likely fit into the LGBTQ category as well based on that evidence, they both have an extremely good possibility of being an end game couple 

- Since s1 Keith has shown interest in Lance, ever since their romantically coded bonding moment (that moment parallels Hunk and Shay who are romantically coded, and A LOT of their other moments parallel Lotura who are ALSO romantically coded, this is not a coincidence) - But like I’ve emphasised, their romance is slow burn, once they start something between each other it NEVER finishes because they are dragging it out to a certain point

- Jeremy’s smile every time someone mentions Klance? How hyped he always is for them? And now revealing that something will happen between two characters? It’s not a coincidence. But if Keith and Lance just end this all off as an amazing team and good friends, I wouldn’t even be complaining, but all of this just fits too well for that. Jeremy has also said they become better friends in the future, so that’s also important to note too

- Also Lauren mentioning that the characters need to stand on their own before getting involved in romance? That is literally the main purpose of Keith and Lance’s separate arcs right now. I have no doubt in my mind that the heart grows fonder with distance trope is in play right now

2. Lauren and Joaquim deflecting Klance

- These two emphasised that Klance was never supposed to be intentional, meanwhile they literally BLATANTLY parallel two romantically coded pairs and they have offered up a ship name called Laith that literally means LION, Lance being Keith’s stability? Is someone really going to try and tell me that this was “accidental?”

- Also, they deflect so much huge plot points in the show just for the purpose that nothing will be spoiled, they did this with Pidge being a boy, they did this with Allura not being paladin material, they did this when saying romance won’t be a huge focus in the show and then literally romantically coding Lotura in the next season…

- So the fact that they’re doing it with Klance is rlly not a coincidence. Ppl always pull out that card with them saying they can’t go back and make Keith and Lance in love cuz they’re ahead of the storyline. Ever thought that’s because they’re already in love and that’s how the storyline’s already written out? Ever thought that it’s cuz they can’t make them in love right off the bat since their relationship is slow burn? You know, cuz they’re not trying to cater to shippers. Nowhere in that interview did they flat out say Keith and Lance have no possiblity of falling in love or that they weren’t canon. Cuz they CAN’T. Also I wouldn’t even be surprised if that was deflecting too, considering they’ve said that Korrasami were only gal pals and look where they are now…

3. Them saving Shiro

- A theory has already been written about this and I was thinking about it for a long time too, but Keith and Lance will most likely be the ones to save Shiro from the astral plane or whatever virtual mindscape he’s in LOOL

- I’m not going to go too deep into this bcuz it’ll be hella long, but think about what could happen between them considering this is a STRONG possibility:

- They will definitely grow closer bcuz of this (considering Keith has been the only one Lance has gone to about his issues in the first place, love is about being vulnerable after all, which is literally what HE wrote in his guide to falling in love)

- Considering the show is not yet over, this will give them very good development in their relationship (the bedroom scene and bonding moment parallel each other, where they both started to see each other in a different light, but before anything could become of it they were cut off from each other) - Lance rejected Keith claiming that they bonded and grew closer bcuz he wasn’t fond of him in s1 and also his character was not at the point where it is now. Please imagine the Lance from right now being told about their bonding moment, he’d be so much more open to it. Keith leaving the team (coincidentally right after he grew closer to Lance too) bcuz he was afraid of rejection so he broke apart from them first, now he’s come across his mother and she will help him improve himself. Once he returns from this, he will let his family in more and Lance too trust me. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that both of these plot points in which they could have gotten closer and fallen in love could be easily fixed by the seperate arcs that are occuring right now

- Lance and Keith’s storylines are so interwined as well like (don’t follow in his footsteps? How their lions parallel their actual characters in terms of each other? We literally see Keith through Lance’s eyes the first moment they meet and they are set up as a pair immediately. And there is SO much more)

They actually have proper development between the other for it to build into a relationship in the future. Jeremy saying that there’s prob gonna be an end game between two same sex characters further proves that. And if it doesn’t happen, again, it isn’t the end of the world, but after writing all of this, it just makes the most sense rn.