#i started this in june but its july now so its not pride month anymore

[discotechque]

but would you tell me if you want me?

pairing: abed nadir/m! reader word count: 1.3k rating: T requested: yes

im really sorry this took so long but i had no idea what to write and idk bc i love abed so much but here it is

Abed is aware of the natural progressions in a relationship ( he’s seen cookie cutter romances blasted through a projector ). It’s always meeting with witty banter or shy smiles which doesn’t correlate with anything he’s experienced. Anxious hands inching towards each other underneath a gingham table cloth and when he attempted it, it only resulted with scraping past wet gum. And casual kisses that appear to be monoliths within relationships.

Films make it seem so easy but those are characters who have people be paid to bring humanity to them. Lacking a certain complexity about the human psyche and varying reactions to unprompted actions. How do you kiss someone without needing to ask? Does asking enhance the experience? When is the right time to kiss someone? It’s a series of questions with no real answer and he’s uncertain if he’s willing to hear the truth.

He thinks that now is better than never but he would never purposely cross boundaries that have not been set. ( He didn’t meet you in a scripted manner, he would not want that. ) Yet, Jeff and Britta have already given him tips; Pierce has starting saying nonsensical things he tunes out; and Troy, Annie, and Shirley are the only ones who seem to understand the natural progression of dating.

Now is better than never. He’s never certain as to when now is.

He sits on the floor of his apartment, slowly watching you shift through his DVD collection. Pondering what you might pick before jumping into his arms again. It’s a domestic scene, one he might’ve missed if he waited. Now is better than never but a kiss is different than a date. It’s different wanting to see what his lips feel like pressed against yours.

“Are you fine with Corpse Bride again?” he doesn’t answer, instead watching as you sit back on the couch and adjust to fit in his arms. He was made to mold around your form. “Abed?”

He blinks. Once then twice.

Nodding even though the question has fallen deaf against his ears. “Totally,”

“Awesome, cause I was worried you were gonna get bored watching this movie again and I was thinking of Kauffman but that just gets you tired. So maybe comfort was a nice go to, y’know?”

Abed doesn’t know, he just watches you ramble about things and enjoys the haven he finds within the action. Knowing what makes him tick and reminding him of it. A saccharine feeling settling within the scene. He loves it, he loves what you do, he loves you.

He rushes in as he catches your wide eyed stare. A yelp leaving you as his forehead bumps against yours and his nose pokes your cheek. “Ack!” The sound leaves you both as you nurse surface level wounds that will wear off within minutes. He’s quick to cover his face, find solace in the darkness so he does not have to spare another thought to this onslaught of embarrassment.

“Abed?” you softly ask but he does not move his shield of fingers until your gently pull them down.

He watched you, he could watch you forever and never be bored by the prospect. Yet, it is not the time for romantic idles that will only keep him stalling from the truth. He tried his hand at unprompted gestures that only failed. Abed Nadir is swearing off from impulsivity ( an unlikely promise ).

“Did you want to kiss me?” you inquire and the soft grin that tugs on your lips only furthers the small pot of humiliation harboring at his stomach. You are a complex being, one he did not imagine and plays along with his endless ideas ( so many that are questionable but you still stay ).

“You could’ve just asked.”

You say as if its the most obvious thing in the world. It is, but he does not want to accept it.

“I—” Abed wants to protest but his lips fail to form any retort that could be reasonable. “I thought this would be more romantic like Pretty Woman.”

He thought romance was chronological. That there’s a right timing as to when moves can be brought out and what would make his boyfriend less upset. However, divine timing seems fictional at the moment.

“Wasn’t Julia Roberts a prostitute in that?” you question, smile only seeming to grow by the second. Ignoring his plight, instead trying a joke to help seal his hurt. You know him like the stars do the moon.

He retorts, “Do prostitutes not deserve romance?”

Your lips purse in thought, only pretending. A small huff leaving him as you do. He wouldn’t trade moments like these for some so formulaic and scripted. ( You’re real and all he’s ever wanted. ) The smile soon returns your lips with a firm nod.

“Very astute observation, Mister Nadir. I think that deserves a real kiss.”

Slowly, you lean in. Unleashing any prior tension as your fingers brush past his face and your mouth finds his. He doesn’t know what you taste like, a bit like toothpaste and chocolate that sit right upon his tongue as it glides along your bottom lip. Everything about this is new and untimed.

It’s the best kiss he’s ever had, he realizes after you lean back. His fingers loosely pressing into your waist as you still caress his face. ( His whole life in his hands. )

“We should do that again sometime,” he adds after and presses another peck to the corner of your mouth.

[thingsifeelicantsayhere]

About Kink at Pride

One: Thanks SO Much to the person who decided to @ me about 6 different times after I already mentioned how I can’t reply. Edit: Just read them! Thank you for linking me to the same article twice. I saw that one to, and at least 7 others! I closed out of all of them. Read on to see why!! And I call everyone hon, hon - sorry if I offended you!

Two: Kink at Pride thoughts, below the cut. TL;DR: Yes, I was wrong on certain things. Does that change my opinion? Nope! Still think Kink shouldn’t be at Pride.

Note: an entire history of gay Pride is listed below, starting with the Reminder marches. I started there because it felt like the logical place to start, given the organizers of Pride participating in those as well. It’s a LONG one guys, so strap in.

So, starting out: Gay Rights Timeline (it’s brief, because I don’t have an entire night of getting triggered and showing I can research things)

July 4, 1965: “Gay rights activists gathered outside Independence Hall in Philadelphia carrying picket signs and demanding legislation that would secure the rights of LGBT Americans. Referencing the self-evident truth mentioned in the Declaration of Independence that “all men are created equal,” the activists called for legislative changes that would improve the lives of American homosexuals. Activist Craig Rodwell conceived of the event following an April 17, 1965 picket at the White House led by Frank Kameny and members of the New York City and Washington, D.C. chapters of the Mattachine Society, Philadelphia’s Janus Society and the New York chapter of the Daughters of Bilitus. The groups operated under the collective name East Coast Homophile Organizations (ECHO). It was called the “Annual Reminder” to remind the American people that a substantial number of American citizens were denied the rights of “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

June 28, 1969: A police raid on Stonewall [a mafia run gay bar] occurs, leading to the Stonewall Riots. Marsha P. Johnson, a “transexual drag queen” and known sex worker, frequented the Stonewall Bar, being the first drag queen to go to what had previously been a bar only for gay men. Police raided the bar to check for unlicensed liquor sales, but also to arrest those who were in violation of the state’s “gender-appropriate clothing statute” (which meant that any female-presenting people in the bar who passed as female had their genitals checked by female police officers, and female-presenting people who did not pass were arrested). Fed up with harassment from the police, the community around the bar became agitated. After a policeman hit Stormé DeLarverie, a “dyke” lesbian on the head while pushing her into his police van, the crowd grew violent. Police barricaded themselves inside the Stonewall Inn for safety, which was soon set on fire. It is still debated whether police or the rioters began a fire in the building, but most sources claim the rioters began the fire. Marsha P. Johnson became well known as the one who “Threw the first brick at Stonewall” (though she herself has stated that she came late to the riots).

That night, while returning home, Craig Rodwell passed Stonewall, and alerted the press in order for there to be news coverage of the historic event. Rodwell was a well known activist at the time, one of the organizers of ECHO, sitting in on protests, opening the first Gay Bookstore (dedicated to Oscar Wilde), and of course, helping to organize the first Gay Pride Parade in the bookstore.

Five Months after the Riots: Among those who proposed the Gay Pride parades were Craig Rodwell and his partner Fred Sargeant (who later tried to claim transgender people and POC did nothing in the riots), Ellen Broidy (former member of the Gay Liberation Front, Lavender Menace, and Radicalesbians), and Linda Rhodes (genuinely having trouble finding information on her; I just know she was friends with Ellen and Craig). Together, they made a proposal for an annual march on the last Saturday in June where there were “no dress or age regulations.” Their proposal was given at the Eastern Regional Conference of Homophile Organizations (ERCHO) in Philadelphia.

After the proposal was made, Brenda Howard (a life-long bisexual and openly sex-positive activist, as well as anti-war feminist “radical” by some sources) helped plan it. Making use of the Oscar Wilde mailing list, word got out. It was Howard’s idea to turn this march into a week-long celebration. Also on this committee was L. Craig Schoonmaker, who had been arrested the previous year for talking to another male. He coined the term “Pride” for the slogan of the parade. (Note: L. Craig Schoonmaker was an INCREDIBLY problematic person, and discussing just how stupid that story is really deserves its own post – needless to say, I’m a little sad he’s the one who coined “Gay Pride” as the slogan.) This was the one and only contribution he had to the parade.

June 28, 1970: The first Parade, organized by Chicago Gay Liberation. The first parade was originally called the Christopher Street Liberation Day March, named after the street where Stonewall Inn was. These were different from the Annual Reminder marches, where those in the gay community “walk in an even line, wear professional clothing, and do not display affection for a partner of the same gender” (Waters, 1). “The march was 51 blocks long from west of Sixth Avenue at Waverly Place, in Greenwich Village, all the way to Sheep’s Meadow in Central Park, where activists held a “Gay-in.” Borrowing a technique that had been popularized by the Civil Rights Movement, the “Gay-in” was both a protest and a celebration.”

From there, there were more parades of course. But as promised, here’s all my research on Kink at Pride.

….

I would provide sources. I would share what I tried to look at for multiple hours tonight. But the fact of the matter is, this is the part where I got triggered, nearly threw up, and had to exit most tabs.

What I managed to find out: Yes, Kink has been a thing at Pride for a long time. I do not know the extent of this, but I do know at the very least (due to some image sourcing) that the 1980s saw men in leather that covered most of their skin (it was not inredibly revealing). I was incorrect about this fact, so shit on me I guess. Now, what all I saw was just… men in leather sometimes. I did NOT in fact see people on leashes, naked with only a bandana around their legs to hide genitals, or muzzles (as I have seen in modern-day prides). I saw people who took pride in being leather gays without doing strict sexual acts – costumes, not whipping their partners in broad daylight or walking them like dogs, which is sexually gratifying for the sub (which I have also seen at modern day prides).

Note: I have not personally been to a Pride parade, but I have seen pictures and videos of modern day prides showing these acts. For obvious reasons, I am not including them here.

The reason for the previous inclusion of kink in pride seems to have grown from the fact that, for many LGBT+ people, they are both kinky and LGBT+ in some way. I saw numerous sources talking about how being Kinky is just part of being LGBT, and how pride in being LGBT+ also means pride in being Kinky.

I deadass could not look at anymore sources because I am so physically nauseated by it, and reading about this (as I mentioned numerous times to every single person who DMed me tonight telling me to “Read fucking sources”) triggers me. But can’t stop getting screamed at unless I “do my research” right?? Joy of all joys.

So what do I think about getting rid of kink at Pride?

I still think we should move to phase it out.

Reasoning:

1.      The original people who thought up Pride were not the best. They thought up Pride through transphobic, sexist, radial feminist, insert-other-dated-views here. And I don’t blame them – it was the 1970s. But I feel that, by the 2020s, the idea of “Pride” should have changed. And it has! I saw that Ellen B. discussed how Pride had changed “Far” from what was originally intended in the interview with her (raising the entirely valid concerns that I agree with that Capitalism has too strong of a foothold in current pride). I just think that it should change more, to fit with what is currently needed.

2.      This leads to my next point: what is currently needed? Back in the 1970s, Gay Pride was about having pride in, well, sex. Pride was based so strongly in having sex with the same-sex, being deviant, being different. But that isn’t what Gay Pride is anymore, or at least, Gay Pride includes much more than just sex now. Pride is meant to be an inclusive place for all LGBT+ communities – including fucking asexuals. Like me. See, when researching all of this, I had a hell of a time, because I’m “damaged goods” so to speak. I’ve been hurt through sexual stuff in the past, and yes, that has probably influenced my asexuality. Am I against sex? No! I enjoy it! With my partner. And that’s basically it. Am I okay seeing sex stuff? Yes! Most of the time. On a consentual basis. Would I probably be okay seeing it at Pride? IDK Maybe? But it would spark bad memories, to the point that I would rather avoid Pride, avoid going to the Big Event™ that everyone always says You Have To Go To that would make me feel validated… than go to it. Because of Kink Gear. And I have had other people contact me tonight saying the same thing – they can’t go to Pride because you Kinksters. They can’t because of triggers, or the fact that it’s uncomfortable, or the fact that “well, my parents aren’t homophobic, but it’s too adult.”

3.      “Okay, so make a PG Space – we were here first.” “It’s not inclusive if Kink isn’t there.” “Children won’t even understand the kink in the first place.” Here’s my problem with all of this. Kink already has spaces, but PG spaces don’t exist in this much openness. See, I’ve always heard of kinky spaces. Expos, dungeons, etc. I’ve always heard of safe-spaces for kinky gays. Including Pride. But I rarely hear of PG Spaces for Gay People. I rarely hear of PG spaces at all. It’s hard to exist in this world without people making it about sex, so much so that I find myself often getting stuck in Children’s Fandoms, Children’s Spaces, because they’re the only spaces that haven’t been touched by sex stuff. So we need PG Spaces for Gay People - and yes, we COULD make a PG thing for gay people. I think that’s a great idea. I think a parade sounds nice. A PG Parade for Gay People!!! It sounds perfect, like a perfect solution ----- except now I’m not being Inclusive Enough.

We’ve wrapped around to my big problem with Kink at Pride. It always boils down to not being inclusive of Gay People. But the issue is… By keeping Kink at Pride, we aren’t being inclusive of a lot more people.

Banning Kink at Pride: We have gays, lesbians, trans folks, queer folks, people who still aren’t sure, allies, asexuals, aromantics, children, and yes, kinky people who are not wearing fetish gear. You can still come to pride and have pride in your sexuality. You have now excluded anyone who cannot stand to not wear leather/chains/leashes in a sexual manner for a few hours.

Keeping Kink at Pride: We have Kinky Gays, Kinky Lesbians, Kinky Trans Folks, Queer Trans Folks, People who aren’t sure but Are Kinky, Kinky Allies, a handful of Asexuals/Aros, please god don’t bring children, and kinky peope in fetish gear. You have now excluded anyone who is uncomfortable with sex, triggered by sex, or minors.

I assure you, the amount of people who are exluded keeping Pride Kinky is more than if you could just not be sexual for a few hours. Literally. I’m not saying Kink isn’t valid – fuck, dude, I’m kinky. But there is a reason sex isn’t meant to be public. Consent is important, and I’m shocked that people who insist they know about kinks and BDSM don’t understand that.

Pride has changed. In a lot of ways, not for the better, but in some ways, yes, for the better. It’s bigger, with more people, and more inclusiveness. But your idea of making a “PG Pride over there away from ours” --- well, where do you think we should? How can we do it without getting screamed at for not being inclusive? When can we do it without people screaming at us for “taking up too much time with being gay”? We already have a full month and a whole parade – and clearly everyone should be okay with the kinky shit that goes on.

My suggestion is this: Have Pride be PG, and have the Kinky Pride things isolated to Private Kink Party things that aren’t publicied on television because we don’t need people to know more about our sex lives – the majority of gay people just want to exist now. Those in 1970 needed to be loud, proud, and yes, openly kinky – but we don’t need that now. With keeping sex stuff private, you can still celebrate your Kinky Pride with all those who are capable of celebrating that Pride, while those who can’t, don’t need to be subjected to it. Because the fact of the matter is, Pride Parades are subjected to the eyes of the world – the most public thing you can have right now as a gay person. Subjecting people to nonconsentual kink is not the way to make people approve of sex work or kinky pride. It makes them rage against it. And I would rather be able to work for sex positivity through conversation and hard work, rather than alienating anyone who speaks against it (and those who speak for it).

 Some of the sources I used (not all - again, no kink sources here, because I closed all of them. I couldn’t handle it.)

http://www.phillygaypride.org/annual-reminders-50th-anniversary/

https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/lgbtq-history-month-road-america-s-first-gay-pride-march-n917096

https://www.history.com/topics/gay-rights/the-stonewall-riots

https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/when-was-first-gay-pride-parade-origin

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/history/first-pride-marches-photos-1-180972379/

https://greenwichvillage.nyc/blog/2019/06/13/remembering-craig-rodwell/

https://phaylen.medium.com/stonewall-vet-fred-sargeant-attempts-to-erase-black-trans-activists-from-history-2e82ac59e96f

https://addressesproject.com/memory/ellen-broidy

https://www.them.us/story/brenda-howard

https://talbertario.medium.com/pride-and-prejudice-the-craig-schoonmaker-story-122c8a4c1339

https://www.history.com/news/how-activists-plotted-the-first-gay-pride-parades

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marsha_P._Johnson

 One last thought, after the sources, because I work in Analogy the best:

Imagine this amazing bakery. This bakery sells a lot of cakes: chocolate cakes, strawberry ones, blueberry ones. This bakery gets national press coverage. Now, from day one, this bakery has used gluten in every single cake. It’s a time honored tradition! And every single Cake Eater goes to this bakery. It becomes a rite of passage, to the point that some people even say “You aren’t really a cake eater if you haven’t gone to this bakery.”

But as the bakery gets more and more popular, people start saying “Hey. We need some gluten free cakes too. Can you please keep the gluten away from our cakes?”

“NO!!! If you want gluten free, go somewhere else!”

“But everyone else only has gluten cakes. Even when they say they’re gluten free, they still bake other gluten cakes. Please, we know how to make the gluten free cakes taste just the same as gluten cakes – we’re only getting rid of the one thing. It’ll be taste almost exactly the same, and you can make those other cakes, so long as they don’t touch our cake. You can still enjoy your cakes. We just ask that we can enjoy ours.”

“NO! Go make your own then!”

“But… This is the bakery with the most famous cakes. We could always make our own, but the world will never know about it, because YOU’RE the biggest bakery in the world. And of those few who have tried, they’ve been yelled at for not using gluten because they aren’t inclusive. We wanted to be able to enjoy cake with everyone else – we just need our cake to be a little different.”

“If I make YOU Gluten Free cakes, that means the Gluten won’t be included!”

“That’s the point – gluten is bad for us. If we have gluten near us, it will actively hurt us.”

“No. This is a gluten bakery only. We refuse to change.”

And so, those who were going to enjoy the cakes there – who wanted to enjoy the cakes there – couldn’t. And even those who would try to make their own gluten-free cakes were overshadowed by the behemoth that was the gluten bakery.

That is how this entire night has felt.

Night, y’all.

[lesbianbernardsumner]

I guess its over now, but it couldn’t have been that bad right?! After all, I’m still here, and you all helped me through it!!

alright this is gonna be messy and im not gonna autocorrect/proofread it but heres the essay on why i loved 2020.... While 2020 was, pretty objectively, one of the worst years for modern humanity. The obvious virus and all its, various strands of natural disasters, impending war threat, gender reveal parties, you get the gist. But i would love to just... look back and see how it treated me. See how it ran :). January/Febuary/March - the months are bunched up cause the least amount of stuff happened in them, but thats not to say that the stuff wasnt... good!!!! After all I met my first online friend (that im still friends with of course) @smilez4milez..! I cannot believe you withstood me for so long tbh........... youve been here the whole time!!!! thats obviously an achievemnt!!! Our circumstances for our meeting do not matter... trust me. April - Got my gender transed and i then id’d as demigirl!! and also had a birthday, i turned a whole year..... i believe this was also the time i... started using discord??? yeah, that sounds right :0) May/June - OOOH WEE DISK HOARD AAAAAAAAA. Ahem, Miles got me into Chuck E. Cheese and the Rock-Afire Explosion, i hold those special interests dear and close to my heart. Around the time i also made friends with @teamgay0tix (<3). Miles decided that he was gonna make an animatronic discord server. Titled the Robot Zone, Miles employed Sarah, Me, and another friendo named Teddy as the moderators. Not long after i met... so so many cool and epic people... uh off the top of my head @worthape, @bahrlee, @boredwiththislifetime, @retrowormz, @knave-woods, @verae. Not all of those were met in May/June but yknow gotta save time >:) and im sure im missing someone gdvhbuydhbdyh. WE UH RP’D AS CEC/RAE CHARACTERS!!!!! THAT WAS FUN :)!!!!!!! I DONT HAVE MUCH ELSE TO SAY AS MAY AND JUNE WERE SIMILAR MOTNHS IN TERMS OF FUN. SYHBDREYS. Oh and my laptop broke! So I was on my iPad for about 3 months!! Also my gender got transed AGAIN!!! I then-ID’d as genderfluid :o). July - HI CASPER @arcadecarpetz!!! THIS WAS THE MONTH WE FIRST MET!!! WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT THAT INTERACTION </3. So I got into the beatles late June/early July!! looks at my url lookat how that turned out huh...  Other things that happened during this month include... meeting @lovecore-ashe!!!!! I joined a certain discord server for a certain emoji blog we both happened to follow and... July was great i dunno why im being all stingy with the details etvfertyghdb August - Oh boy!! I discovered some cool epic things about myself (Emp knows.)!! got much better in the art department too!! I believe I also made friemnds with @hmmdotjpg here! They’re cool! Otherwise not much actually happened. Oh and @verae I FUCKING LOVE YOU/p September - HA! Here is when I got my shiny new laptop :), and with it i also got into Clone High!! Started to also get into Yellow Submarine, a movie which, I enjoy :). And a certain yellow submarine insta post got me and @arcadecarpetz to meet again!!! Now we’re on much better terms!! heh-. This month I left the Robot Zone, no matter how much it hurt, I simply didn’t want to be there anymore. I had got way too into animatronics and I was... very... very... burnt out. The final days of this month were good, I rewatched Yellow Submarine after a 10-Year Hiatus. It was good! :) October - SPOOK!!! HA!!! -COUGH- So you know how The Beatles like broke up in 1970... yeah i got into one of the bands made after them.... Wings good. I made a few more drawings for arcadecasper that im especially proud of, uh... OH YEAH AND I MADE A KETCHUP PRIDE FLAG FOR EMPRESS!!!!!!!! It is also now my most popular post! Cool!/gen .Two of my friends approached me and said they got into the beatles because of me that was pretty swagchamp. November - All of my memories from this month are MUSH. i literally dont remember what happened <3... oh wait yeah we got hte evil man out of office... that was preddy epic... OH RIGHT DESTIEL- December - My favorite season!! The end of the year was pretty swell. It was like everything good that happened to me was settling, getting cozier, just... being better. Like gently stirring the salt in a soup bowl... okay thats a weird analogy- I got into lemon demon too! And uh very glad i did. cause now i can say that cabinet man wishes you a karkalicious 2009 and i can actually understand it./j And all the lessons from all my friends I (probably indirectly) learnt this year... Like @smilez4milez!! You taught me to always be proud and glad!!! @teamgay0tix you taught me that affection always overpowers hatred. @boredwiththislifetime, no matter what your friend is doing, as long as its not hurting anyone, support them!!! @bahrlee, become a vampire/j. @hmmdotjpg, changing for yourself is more important than becoming someone you arent in front of other people. @worthape i dunno... i... bugs???? Im just glad you were here too :). @retrowormz you kinda just made me funnier!!! @knave-woods bro i literally idolize you tsygvfbsyh. @lovecore-ashe, drink ketchup and dont give a shit about what everyone else thinks/hj!! @verae, !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DUNNO WHAT TO SAY YOURE LITERALLY JUST MY BEST FRIEND GSYHVFTEYWSH and of course, last but most certainly not least, Casper @arcadecarpetz WHERE DO I START ON HOW EPIC AND SWAG AND POGGERS YOU ARE AND HOW GREAT YOU HELPED MAKE THESE LAST FEW MONTHS... HHM- Well, maybe ill just leave it at “You pretty much taught me how to not be a jerk” okay!!! Man i got really sappy here wgvrtedgyshb I’m not sure if any of that is comprehensible!!! Its 2pm and i still havent actually started the day, but i wanted to write all of this down before it left my head. I know im missing probably important stuff but yknow... i have brainworms :O/j You are all... so cool... i just wanted to get that out...

[mikaelalinato]

The real life update... I guess: 2020 updates

I wish I'll be inspired to write again!! But for now I must settle for junk thoughts and loser vocabulary and undriven thoughts.. eek.. what am i saying???

2020 is a mix of many different things. Like halo-halo. You might think that these things will not go together but when you try to eat them all together, it's very delicious. So, I am keeping my hopes up even though some things didn't go according to plan.. but hey, some things did! :,-)

January-ish

I decided to finally take the risk and commit myself into a d-group!!! I am proud of you hun!!! You are such a hard shell to crack sometimes. One hell of a stubborn introvert but hey, this is gold!!! You have to pat yourself on the back for this!!!

February-ish

Met some people, attending church which I never imagine I will be friends with as of today. I mean, we shared some pizza and ice creams ANDZZZZ IT ZO AWKWARD THINKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW but hey who would have thought that they will be my church family.

March

And it all went crazy!!! Covid hit Manila and several lockdowns have to be done. And I started home- schooling since then. It's just 3 months away before graduation. Everything went 360°.

Dad couldn't go home because of this pandemic. There's no graduation anymore. Thesis is a disaster but u still have to push through regardless of these changes. Major major changes.

Blessings fell on our feet as well, God gave us 6 beautiful babies. One died the next day but yayyyy. I'm proud that finally Aashi became a mother and had her own children. It was panicky at first because you don't know what to expect, how to handle dog-birth at home. How to take care of puppies, is she gonna go through a lot of pain??? How are we gonna know what the babies' genders are... But you managed all these things... High five!!! ^_^

April

Still adjusting but it was somehow a relief for me since I get to be with my family... These month we're not yet getting on our nerves. Still feeling blessed. Struggling with online classes. Struggling with review...

May

Pretty much the same as April I guess... Online classes + online d-groups weekly.

June

Gaaaaaaaaah, u failed your revU but God gave you a chance!!! You passed and now you are on the list of graduates!!! Errrrr its not a good memory but I'll take it!!!!!

++++ how could I forget. Its my birth month, they surprised me with a family zoom meeting and letters from hs friends and family. It was all so thoughtful and i cried so hard. It was a wonderful blessing and a memory that i'll always keep. Its unforgettable. Hard to miss because pandemic brought a different vibe to celebrating birthdays. +++ Church family surprised me too. It was really unexpected and i'm still too shy about it but I gotta fight that shyness ehem, pride.

July

First day was my online graduation. We watched it on youtube. My cousins watched it anddd they were all so supportive. I love them!!! It was those small things that you don't want to miss really. I am happy that we are all so close.

August

Whattttttt time flies so fast. I think this month I started teaching kids on youth hub. Also I went on an online class for ministry called Go-Viral.

++++ its moms birthday. Her sibs surprised her and we r finally able to get out of the house for the weekend. I got maki-filled and ube cheese pandesal-filled. I am blessed just thinking about it!!!! Its very meaningful to see family even just for a brief moment.

September

Pretty much u are emotional this month. U are going through some struggles. Battle in your head and inside your heart. I really want to give you a hug, but when you tried to give yourself a hug you just couldn't comfort yourself back. It sucks :'(

And now its October O_o

Looking back... Those past few months, I was really so short-sighted about the things that are happening in my life. What's happening in the world. But I feel like, I can see it now. A different perspective of some sorts. All countries around the worlds are struggling with the same thing: Covid. I thought its all gonna be dooms day and all but knowing I've survived the past few months, my familly has survived the past few months and we are all still getting through.

We see how other countries are getting back on their feet and is just getting used to this new normal. My country has a lot more problems than Covid-19 but I hope we recover real soon, just like the others.

Looking in a very hopeful perspective.

Ps. I really really hope I'll be able to write again real soon. And also, I hope my heart will not be too hardened anymore. I hope it will not get any worse than this. But for the better!!! Please stop being so stubborn!!! Please!!!

[misssophiachase]

Thanks for reviewing part 1 on FF HERE So, I do have a question. Not that we want to see Jodice with anyone else but I need some ideas for potential love interests (not their current spouses). Some that would make for an interesting and possibly humorous, jealous scenario, let me know. 

Give Me Love

Actors Candice Accola and Joseph Morgan don't like each other at first but being forced to act together means they can't avoid the simmering attraction developing behind the scenes. Fast forward 8 years and they're due to appear in two fan conventions but given all the baggage and unresolved issues things aren't going to run as smoothly as organisers would hope.

Part 2: All of the Stars

June - 2019 – London, UK

It's just another night and I'm staring at the moon...I saw a shooting star and thought of you.

Joseph wasn't sure how long he'd been staring out the window. One minute the sun was setting in brilliant streaks of bright pink and orange on the horizon and the next it was dark and the sky filled with a shower of stars.

He was due to fly out the next morning but no amount of cocoa or sleeping pills were going to help him relax knowing what the next day held in store.

Candice Accola.

Two words that had the ability to mess with his composure.

Two words that stirred up more memories than any other.

Two words that meant more to him than anything and anyone.

A shooting star emerged moving through the sky breaking him from his thoughts and filling Joseph with a familiar warmth. She loved astronomy so much so that she'd researched the best place to observe it in its full glory. Like Caroline Forbes, Candice Accola had researching down to a fine, but only slightly neurotic, art. 

They were camping in Chaco Canyon in New Mexico. As promised the heavens were putting on a brilliant show as they lay on the ground his arm securely around her. She'd squealed excitedly when the shooting star appeared unexpectedly and Joseph would never forget the way she berated him for not wishing on it when he had the chance.

Maybe if he had things would be different. Tonight, he wasn't taking any chances and quickly made his wish. Not that he was holding out much hope but the fact it had appeared within days of their reunion seemed almost fitting.

Although they weren't together anymore and hadn't seen each other in eighteen months, he still thought about her incessantly. What she was doing, who she was with and if she ever thought about him like he did her. It just about drove him crazy.

He read the tabloids trying to find out anything he could and every time a new 'love interest' was mentioned Joseph found himself more and more worked up about it. Of course he usually didn't take stock in media reports because they had been wrong about him so many times but it didn't stop him from obsessing and devising strategies on how to break them apart.

Of course Joseph never acted on it, he had a reputation to protect after all, but he kind of wished he could. His mother had told him as a young boy warring with the girl next door that one day he might find someone that he didn't just see as an adversary. Of course he'd asked what that meant and she'd said he'd fall madly in love when he was older and not expecting it. Being eight and extremely scared of 'girl germs' Joseph didn't think that was remotely possible.

Until he ran into Candice at the craft services table with rice stuck to her cheek. Of course he wanted to tell her, in fact his first instinct was to rub it away just to check that her creamy skin was as soft to touch as it looked. But he didn't. Joseph prided himself on being the gentleman his mother raised.

Turns out not telling her about the rice was actually ungentlemanly. Go figure. But that's what he liked about Candice. The fact she had no qualms in telling him just what she thought. Joseph knew then that he was in trouble. Beauty and brains was a tough combination to beat.

It didn't help that just as his attraction grew so did the number of scenes they shared together. It seemed like the viewing public could sense the chemistry between them that Joseph had felt since that first day. Not that he was complaining about spending more time with Candice and hopefully getting to know her better. 

The cast and crew raved about her, apparently there was no one she didn't share chemistry with but Joseph hoped he could change that and be the only one. He'd always been competitive so saw it as a professional challenge. Nothing else.

Famous last words.

March - 2012 - Atlanta, GA

Joseph found himself missing home for the first time in a while. Although he'd been working in the States for close to a year now it didn't stop him wanting all of the familiarities from home. He'd spoken to his mother and thoughts of her amazing cooking had infiltrated his brain which he carried with him onto set.

This was the day he saved Caroline from Alaric's clutches at the high school and Joseph was excited about reminding her just how many times he'd saved her now. He could just imagine the cute, exasperated look she got when she was attempting to argue back. Social media had erupted as Candice had predicted after their first scene together and fans were delirious about their onscreen and offscreen characters giving into their feelings. Joseph would have laughed if it wasn't so true.

The scene at the school went off without a hitch which was becoming the norm between them. Even Julie Plec had pulled him aside a few episodes ago and mentioned just how explosive the chemistry between them was. He wasn't going to argue given his ever growing feelings for his beautiful, blonde co-star.

"What's wrong?" She asked, approaching him at the lunch table.

"Excuse me?"

"You haven't boasted about the fact you saved me yet again," she drawled. "I know you were thinking it, Morgan."

"I was," he admitted. "But I'll admit, I was kind of distracted by a bad dose of homesickness." Joseph couldn't believe he was admitting it to her of all people.

"Missing the Queen and Prince Harry?"

"I'll assume that Prince Harry reference was just for you, Accola," he joked. "While her Majesty certainly holds a dear place in my heart I was thinking of my family, if you must know."

"It must be difficult to be this far from home." She murmured. "My family may be in Florida but at least the flight doesn't take that long."

"And without the jet lag," he joked. "I guess I just miss my family and the food."

"I was actually thinking of having a dinner party to celebrate the wrap of season three next week. I can't promise you England but hopefully a pretty good time at least?" Joseph knew declining was madness. He knew this was her way of trying to welcome him and spending time together off set was something he'd been craving for a while.

What Joseph wasn't expecting was the array of English delicacies on her dining room table that night and as he helped himself greedily to the Beef Wellington, he couldn't help but send her a smile of gratitude. The fact she'd thought of him was only making him like her that little bit more.

"Don't ever let my mother taste this," he said pointing to the Yorkshire pudding on his plate.

"Why" She squeaked, self consciously.

"She might not like the competition," he shared. "I can't believe you did all of this."

"I know better than anyone else how difficult homesickness can be, Joseph." His heart almost stopped beating as she uttered his name for the first time since they'd met. "But I couldn't imagine having my family that far away so it was really the least I could do."

"Well, thank you, love," he smiled. The fans seemed to think that was a Klaus term but Joseph had been the one to suggest it to the writers. He was starting to realise he only wanted to use it on one person though, acting or in real life. "You have no idea what this means." He noticed her blush slightly as he said it. If Zach hadn't interrupted their conversation right then who knows what she might have replied?

September - 2012 - Covington, GA

"Now, you both know what you're supposed to do this episode?"

"He's supposed to shamelessly chase me as usual?" Joseph sent her a sideways glance. Ever since her impromptu dinner in March, their relationship had elevated to an extremely flirty friendship. Not that he could recall when they'd ever really been friends. She delighted in teasing him but Joseph would be lying if he didn't delight in exactly the same thing.

"Last time I checked Caroline was the one who suggested a date?"

"Yeah to a movie where I can put at least three seats between us," she quipped.

"Glad to see you two know your lines," the director drawled. "How about we get this show on the road?"

"Happy to buy you a drink later, you know tell you all about being the bad guy," he whispered in her ear tauntingly. "Only the best Moet too. None of these cheap, alcohol props."

"Easy tiger," she joked using British terminology he'd bestowed upon her in the make-up trailer earlier while moving away to her starting point in front of camera.

After the director called cut for the day, Joseph made his way towards the porch where the cast would relax between scenes. It was extremely peaceful overlooking the lake at the fictional Lockwood Mansion at the end of the day. The other actors were filming elsewhere and he found it quite relaxing sitting there and drinking in the Fall afternoon.

"It's days like this which make the job a little more bearable."

"Oh come on, you love it, Accola," he teased. "In fact, I have a souvenir just for you." She cocked her left eyebrow curiously, he obviously had her attention as he placed it on the table between them. She picked it up and read it briefly, a sly smile tugging at her lips.

"I think you should keep this," she announced, placing it back on the table and rocking back in her chair. "I wouldn't want you to forget me or anything."

"How could I with the mention of perspiration? You realise I could write a much better Miss Mystic Falls application? As much as I love Caroline, I don't think everything needs to rhyme."

"Hey," she growled, slapping him from her chair. "We can't all come from the birthplace of William bloody Shakespeare."

"First easy tiger and now the emphatic use of bloody as a makeshift middle name, I'll make a Brit of you yet, love."

"We'll see, Morgan," she muttered. "So, apparently you promised me a really expensive drink." Joseph wasn't sure whether to mention it, he didn't want to come across too eager or anything. But the fact she brought it up was a good sign.

"Well, of course. It's the least I owe you after having to put up with me all day."

"Not sure your thousands of twitter followers would agree, they seem extremely excited about you sharing so many scenes with 'you know who'."

"I didn't realise you followed me on twitter, love?"

"Call it professional courtesy," she shot back, her left eyebrow cocked lazily. "And you really didn't know?"

"Fine, you got me. I've been following you since the beginning for exactly the same reason," he lied. "Dana?" Her face broke into a gorgeous smile as he recited her cheeky reply to one of his tweets.

One drink had led to more at Red Phone Booth whiskey bar in Atlanta. Joseph said the establishment's name was part of her British transition. He was trying to ignore just how gorgeous she looked as they talked across the bar and felt himself slowly losing all his inhibitions. He remembered brushing a stray lock of hair behind her ear and placing a chaste kiss on her cheek before escorting her to her accommodation. Who knew he had such impeccable manners? His mother would be proud even if he did have to take a cold shower when he returned to his hotel.

January - 2013 - Atlanta, GA

"There's been two massacres. Pastor Young's farm is here, and the old Lockwood cellar, where you spitefully slaughtered 12 of your own hybrids, is here. According to the book, the expression triangle is equilateral, putting it here."

"Somebody's been skipping their geometry classes. There are actually two places where the third massacre could be." He drew the extra lines on the map as she watched him curiously.

"Well, you didn't let me finish." They held each other's gaze because the scene called for it but Joseph knew it was the built up tension between the two co-stars who couldn't resist each other any longer. He could sense it in her eyes, her demeanour and the fact that her breathing had quickened slightly.

He could barely wait until they called cut and once they finally did he silently signalled her to his trailer with his eyes. They'd missed each other over the holidays, their acting reunion had more than conveyed that, and he couldn't wait to embrace her after all the time apart. Joseph couldn't quite recall whose clothes came off first but before he knew it the beautiful blonde was straddling him naked and he was sucking on her nipples hungrily.

She was moaning now given the pressure he was placing on her left nipple while his other hand found its way south to her wet centre. This was the moment he'd been waiting for and, given the whimper she emitted, so too Candice. He looked into her eyes silently asking for permission but her blue eyes were begging him to continue and before Joseph knew it they were one. It felt effortless as their bodies writhed together, their intermingling cries sounding out as she rode him to climax.

Joseph held her for a long time afterwards, he wasn't one to get attached to anyone but he couldn't let her go. He could feel her heart beating rapidly against his chest as they laid together and decided it was the single best sound he'd probably ever heard. His hand found its way through her golden waves as he placed butterfly kisses across her jaw and onto her collarbone.

"I'm usually more of a gentleman, I promise," he mumbled against her bare skin.

"Like you keep saying, Morgan." She joked. "I'd usually reprimand you but for once I'm not entirely annoyed by your behaviour. Well, as long as this stays just between us."

And suddenly he snapped out of his dream, looks like they were back to professional reality. Joseph had made his fair share of escapes in the middle of the night and it seemed like Candice was giving him a free pass. But did he really want one?

"Of course, we certainly can't risk this coming out." He didn't mean a word of it of course, but this was Hollywood afterall.

[totallylesbians]

A follower wanted to share their coming out story but wanted to remain anonymous so I’m posting it for them below

It’s june my friends. My favorite month of the year. It’s the month where spring turns into summer, the month i was born, the month school ends, but most importantly, the month where i am free to express who i am with my community. This year is my biggest year to celebrate pride. I have face so many challenges in the past 12 months. On july 27th of last year, i came out on my social media. I rewrote the post 10 times, posted it and deleted it 4 times, and screamed once really loudly before finally leaving the post up. I received so much positive feedback from the post and i was overwhelmed. Unfortunately, a month and a half later i sat crying in my room on the phone with my best friend while deleting the post. Word was circulating through the school about my sexuality, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was that a now ex-best-friend started a rumor about me that wasn't pleasant. It was offending and unfortunately for me, people believed it and it opened up a whole world of problems. I was losing friends, i had a new nickname, and i became “that girl”. Now, at 14 years old, this seemed like the worst challenge i would have to face my freshman year, but i was truly mistaken. After the whole debacle died down a little, i resumed to my regular routine of playing field hockey and sleeping. A few month had past and it was winter time. I was living a happy life of being one foot out the closet. The only people who didn't know that i was ~bisexual~ were my parents. I didn't have a reason to tell them. I didn't have a girlfriend and if anybody decided to tell them, they had no proof. But that all changed so quickly. Within the first 2 days of 2018, i started talking to this amazing girl who saved my life. She didn't know it at the time, but i was trying to overdose on pills that night. Things with the rumor had stirred up again and it was worse than last time. The girl talked to me all night and made me realise that it would get better. Shortly after that, i fell hopelessly and blindly in love with her. It was great. I was happy with her, but not with myself. At the time, i thought she was the only source of happiness that i needed, but as we all know, superficial happiness only last so long. So, a month into the relationship, i began to feel trapped.

I had a reason to come out now. People knew about the girl at school and at any moment, a text, Dm, or facebook message could be sent to my mom and dad telling them about the huge secret i was keeping from them, I felt so bad for the girl. I had begun to freak out on her, ignore her for no reason, and distant myself. She noticed and we had a talk about it, but i only told her i was stressed. So, in order to take my anger and stress out elsewear, i began cutting. At first it was one cut, then it was two, then suddenly my hips were covered in cuts. Around the two month mark of my relationship with the girl, the worst thing happened. I was sitting on the couch watching TV. My mom and dad were getting ready for dinner. My friends mom wanted to talk to my mom, so she called me. I freaked. I ran upstairs and told my mom that my friends mom wanted to talk. She said okay and i went downstairs and waited. When she came downstairs she looked at me and said “is there anything you want to confess before she calls me”. I remember feeling my heart beat out of my chest. So many things ran through my mind, but the only one i could think to say was “im gay” and i did. I blurted it out. My mothers jaw dropped to the floor. I felt like i was gonna throw up, cry, and scream all at once. Part of me wanted to say “gotcha mom. Im joking.” but another part of me was saying “finally, that weight is gone”. Everything after that was a blur. A lot of screaming, crying, and 2 trips to the bathroom to throw up. My parents saw the cuts too. My whole life had been flipped upside down in the matter of minutes, but all could think about was my girlfriend. I remember being forced to call her and tell her that we wouldn't be talking for a while.

My mother asked me if i wanted to go somewhere to get help. I said yes. 5 days later i was admitted to a treatment facility. I spent five days there and in those five days, i learned so much about myself. I learned that i am who i am. I can't change it no matter how hard i try. When i got out, my girlfriend and i decided it would be best for my recovery to not be together. In the end, it worked out and we are still great friends, but things didn't exactly work out with my parents. They do not accept me. I'm sure everyone is saying “why are you sharing your story if it doesn't have a happy ending” but it does. It's just not their happy ending. Its my happy ending. I found acceptance in myself. A year ago, i wouldn't have wrote this for myself, let alone other people. You will never be able to find acceptance in anyone else until you find acceptance in yourself. If your parents, or friends, or society doesn't accept you, it is not your fault. The most important part of coming out, is coming out to yourself first. If you don't want a label on yourself, then dont use a label. Labels can be constricting. If your like me, i say to people “i fall in love with who i fall in love with” and that's what i tell my parents now. Yes, it is hard as hell not being accepted by them, but i am who i am, and i dont hide that anymore. I am unapologetically me. So, if you're, gay, bisexual, pansexual, transgender, or any part of the LGBTQ+ community, be proud of who you are this month and every month following. You can't change who you are meant to be. Be proud.

[gordonwilliamsweb]

‘It Doesn’t Feel Worth It’: Covid Is Pushing New York’s EMTs to the Brink

This story also ran on The Guardian. It can be republished for free.

In his 17 years as an emergency medical provider, Anthony Almojera thought he had seen it all. “Shootings, stabbings, people on fire, you name it,” he said. Then came covid-19.

Before the pandemic, Almojera said it was normal to respond to one or two cardiac arrests calls a week; now he’s grown used to several each shift. One day last spring, responders took more than 6,500 calls — more than any day in his department’s history, including 9/11.

An emergency medical services lieutenant and union leader with the New York City Fire Department, Almojera said he has seen more death in the past year than in his previous decade of work. “We can’t possibly process the traumas, because we’re still in the trauma,” he said.

EMS work has long been grueling and poorly paid. New FDNY hires make just over $35,000 a year, or $200 more than what is considered the poverty threshold for a four-person household in New York City. (That figure is on par with national averages.) Employee turnover is high: In fiscal year 2019, more than 13% of EMTs and paramedics left their jobs.

But covid-19 has added a new layer of precarity to the work. According to Oren Barzilay, the Local 2507 union president, nearly half of its 4,400 emergency medical technicians and paramedics have tested positive for the covid virus. Five have died, though that figure doesn’t account for first responders who worked for private emergency response companies. Nationwide, at least 128 medical first responders have died of covid, according to Lost on the Frontline, an investigation by KHN and The Guardian.

The problem of EMS pay was in the spotlight in December, when the New York Post outed paramedic Lauren Caitlyn Kwei for relying on an OnlyFans page to make extra money. Kwei, who works for a private ambulance company, wrote on Twitter: “My First Responder sisters and brothers are suffering … exhausted for months, reusing months old PPE, being refused hazard pay, and watching our fellow healthcare workers dying in front of our eyes.” She added: “EMS are the lowest paid first responders in NYC which leads to 50+ hour weeks and sometimes three jobs.”

Almojera earns $70,000 annually as a lieutenant, but his paramedic colleagues’ salaries in non-leadership roles are capped at around $65,000 after five years on the job. He earns extra income as a paramedic at area racetracks and conducting defibrillator inspections. He has colleagues who drive for Uber, deliver for GrubHub and stock grocery shelves on the side. “There are certain jobs that deserve all your time and effort,” Almojera said. “This should be your only job.”

For Liana Espinal, a paramedic, union delegate and 13-year veteran of the FDNY, a sense of camaraderie and the opportunity to serve her fellow Brooklynites compensated for low pay and exhausting shifts. For years she was willing to take on overtime and even a second job with a private ambulance company to make ends meet.

But covid changed that. The department switched from eight- to 12-hour shifts last summer, leaving Espinal, a single mother of three, too exhausted to pick up overtime. Like many health care workers, she isolated from her children at the outset of the pandemic to avoid potentially exposing them to the coronavirus, leaving them in the care of her own mother; she described being separated from her 1-year-old son as “devastating.” Despite working round-the-clock to get the city through the early days of the pandemic, she often had to choose between paying rent on time or paying utility bills.

“After working this year, for me personally, it doesn’t feel worth it anymore,” she said. She is two exams shy of finishing a nursing degree she started studying for before the pandemic. She said the last year has only strengthened her resolve to shift careers.

The pandemic has disproportionately claimed Black and brown lives — Black and Hispanic people were significantly more likely than white people to die of covid — and those disparities extend to health care workers. Lost on the Frontline has found that nearly two-thirds of health care workers who have died of covid were non-white.

All five of the department’s EMS employees who died of covid were non-white.

They included Idris Bey, 60, a former Marine and 9/11 first responder who was known to stay cool under pressure. He was an avid reader who bought new books each time he got a paycheck.

Richard Seaberry, 63, was looking forward to retiring to the Atlanta area to be near his young granddaughter.

Evelyn Ford, 58, left behind four children when she died in December, just as the coronavirus vaccine became available to first responders in New York City. According to the City Council’s finance division, 59% of EMS workers are minorities.

Almojera and Espinal see a racial component to pay disparities within the FDNY. Firefighters with five years on the job can make more than $100,000, including overtime and holiday pay, whereas paramedics and EMTs cap out at $65,000 and $50,000, respectively. According to the City Council finance division, 77% of New York firefighters are white.

“My counterpart fire lieutenants make almost $40,000 more than me,” Almojera said. “I’ve delivered 15 babies. I’ve been covered head to toe in blood. I mean, what do you pay for that? You can at least pay us like the other 911 agencies.”

A spokesperson for the FDNY declined to comment on pay.

The last year has also exacted an emotional toll on an already stressed workforce. Three of the FDNY’s EMS workers died by suicide in 2020. John Mondello Jr, 23, a recent EMS academy graduate, died in April. Matthew Keene, 38, a nine-year veteran, died in June. Brandon Dorsa, 36, who had struggled with injuries from a 2015 workplace accident, died in July.

Family and colleagues told local news outlets that Mondello and Keene were struggling with trauma as a result of the pandemic. Last spring, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio and first lady Chirlane McCray announced a partnership between the U.S. Department of Defense and city agencies to help front-line health workers cope with the stress of working through the pandemic. But many EMS workers have said that the program has been difficult to access.

“There aren’t a lot of resources for people, so a lot of EMS internalize what they go through,” Almojera said. “It’s not normal to see the things that we see.”

Issues regarding pay and mental health challenges predate the pandemic: A national survey conducted in 2015 found EMS providers were much more likely than the general population to struggle with stress and contemplate suicide.

Almojera knew Keene and last spoke with him a week before his death. “You can’t say enough nice things about the guy,” he said. “I wish he had mentioned even a hint of [his struggles] on the phone. And I would have shared how I was feeling through all this.”

He said he has felt a mix of pride, exhaustion and resignation over the past year. “I’ve seen the magic that you can do on the job,” Almojera said. “And I’ve seen my brothers and sisters on this job cry after calls.”

Almojera is now representing his union in talks with the city to renegotiate EMS and paramedic contracts. He said he hopes that city officials will think of the hardships he and his fellow first responders endured over the past year when they come to the negotiating table to discuss pay raises. But early talks have not been encouraging.

“After all the sacrifices made by our members,” he said. “I don’t know whether to be angry, flip the table, or just shrug my shoulders and give up.”

This story is part of “Lost on the Frontline,” an ongoing project from The Guardian and Kaiser Health News that aims to document the lives of health care workers in the U.S. who die from COVID-19, and to investigate why so many are victims of the disease. If you have a colleague or loved one we should include, please share their story.

Kaiser Health News (KHN) is a national health policy news service. It is an editorially independent program of the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation which is not affiliated with Kaiser Permanente.

USE OUR CONTENT

This story can be republished for free (details).

‘It Doesn’t Feel Worth It’: Covid Is Pushing New York’s EMTs to the Brink published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

[stephenmccull]

‘It Doesn’t Feel Worth It’: Covid Is Pushing New York’s EMTs to the Brink

This story also ran on The Guardian. It can be republished for free.

In his 17 years as an emergency medical provider, Anthony Almojera thought he had seen it all. “Shootings, stabbings, people on fire, you name it,” he said. Then came covid-19.

Before the pandemic, Almojera said it was normal to respond to one or two cardiac arrests calls a week; now he’s grown used to several each shift. One day last spring, responders took more than 6,500 calls — more than any day in his department’s history, including 9/11.

An emergency medical services lieutenant and union leader with the New York City Fire Department, Almojera said he has seen more death in the past year than in his previous decade of work. “We can’t possibly process the traumas, because we’re still in the trauma,” he said.

EMS work has long been grueling and poorly paid. New FDNY hires make just over $35,000 a year, or $200 more than what is considered the poverty threshold for a four-person household in New York City. (That figure is on par with national averages.) Employee turnover is high: In fiscal year 2019, more than 13% of EMTs and paramedics left their jobs.

But covid-19 has added a new layer of precarity to the work. According to Oren Barzilay, the Local 2507 union president, nearly half of its 4,400 emergency medical technicians and paramedics have tested positive for the covid virus. Five have died, though that figure doesn’t account for first responders who worked for private emergency response companies. Nationwide, at least 128 medical first responders have died of covid, according to Lost on the Frontline, an investigation by KHN and The Guardian.

The problem of EMS pay was in the spotlight in December, when the New York Post outed paramedic Lauren Caitlyn Kwei for relying on an OnlyFans page to make extra money. Kwei, who works for a private ambulance company, wrote on Twitter: “My First Responder sisters and brothers are suffering … exhausted for months, reusing months old PPE, being refused hazard pay, and watching our fellow healthcare workers dying in front of our eyes.” She added: “EMS are the lowest paid first responders in NYC which leads to 50+ hour weeks and sometimes three jobs.”

Almojera earns $70,000 annually as a lieutenant, but his paramedic colleagues’ salaries in non-leadership roles are capped at around $65,000 after five years on the job. He earns extra income as a paramedic at area racetracks and conducting defibrillator inspections. He has colleagues who drive for Uber, deliver for GrubHub and stock grocery shelves on the side. “There are certain jobs that deserve all your time and effort,” Almojera said. “This should be your only job.”

For Liana Espinal, a paramedic, union delegate and 13-year veteran of the FDNY, a sense of camaraderie and the opportunity to serve her fellow Brooklynites compensated for low pay and exhausting shifts. For years she was willing to take on overtime and even a second job with a private ambulance company to make ends meet.

But covid changed that. The department switched from eight- to 12-hour shifts last summer, leaving Espinal, a single mother of three, too exhausted to pick up overtime. Like many health care workers, she isolated from her children at the outset of the pandemic to avoid potentially exposing them to the coronavirus, leaving them in the care of her own mother; she described being separated from her 1-year-old son as “devastating.” Despite working round-the-clock to get the city through the early days of the pandemic, she often had to choose between paying rent on time or paying utility bills.

“After working this year, for me personally, it doesn’t feel worth it anymore,” she said. She is two exams shy of finishing a nursing degree she started studying for before the pandemic. She said the last year has only strengthened her resolve to shift careers.

The pandemic has disproportionately claimed Black and brown lives — Black and Hispanic people were significantly more likely than white people to die of covid — and those disparities extend to health care workers. Lost on the Frontline has found that nearly two-thirds of health care workers who have died of covid were non-white.

All five of the department’s EMS employees who died of covid were non-white.

They included Idris Bey, 60, a former Marine and 9/11 first responder who was known to stay cool under pressure. He was an avid reader who bought new books each time he got a paycheck.

Richard Seaberry, 63, was looking forward to retiring to the Atlanta area to be near his young granddaughter.

Evelyn Ford, 58, left behind four children when she died in December, just as the coronavirus vaccine became available to first responders in New York City. According to the City Council’s finance division, 59% of EMS workers are minorities.

Almojera and Espinal see a racial component to pay disparities within the FDNY. Firefighters with five years on the job can make more than $100,000, including overtime and holiday pay, whereas paramedics and EMTs cap out at $65,000 and $50,000, respectively. According to the City Council finance division, 77% of New York firefighters are white.

“My counterpart fire lieutenants make almost $40,000 more than me,” Almojera said. “I’ve delivered 15 babies. I’ve been covered head to toe in blood. I mean, what do you pay for that? You can at least pay us like the other 911 agencies.”

A spokesperson for the FDNY declined to comment on pay.

The last year has also exacted an emotional toll on an already stressed workforce. Three of the FDNY’s EMS workers died by suicide in 2020. John Mondello Jr, 23, a recent EMS academy graduate, died in April. Matthew Keene, 38, a nine-year veteran, died in June. Brandon Dorsa, 36, who had struggled with injuries from a 2015 workplace accident, died in July.

Family and colleagues told local news outlets that Mondello and Keene were struggling with trauma as a result of the pandemic. Last spring, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio and first lady Chirlane McCray announced a partnership between the U.S. Department of Defense and city agencies to help front-line health workers cope with the stress of working through the pandemic. But many EMS workers have said that the program has been difficult to access.

“There aren’t a lot of resources for people, so a lot of EMS internalize what they go through,” Almojera said. “It’s not normal to see the things that we see.”

Issues regarding pay and mental health challenges predate the pandemic: A national survey conducted in 2015 found EMS providers were much more likely than the general population to struggle with stress and contemplate suicide.

Almojera knew Keene and last spoke with him a week before his death. “You can’t say enough nice things about the guy,” he said. “I wish he had mentioned even a hint of [his struggles] on the phone. And I would have shared how I was feeling through all this.”

He said he has felt a mix of pride, exhaustion and resignation over the past year. “I’ve seen the magic that you can do on the job,” Almojera said. “And I’ve seen my brothers and sisters on this job cry after calls.”

Almojera is now representing his union in talks with the city to renegotiate EMS and paramedic contracts. He said he hopes that city officials will think of the hardships he and his fellow first responders endured over the past year when they come to the negotiating table to discuss pay raises. But early talks have not been encouraging.

“After all the sacrifices made by our members,” he said. “I don’t know whether to be angry, flip the table, or just shrug my shoulders and give up.”

This story is part of “Lost on the Frontline,” an ongoing project from The Guardian and Kaiser Health News that aims to document the lives of health care workers in the U.S. who die from COVID-19, and to investigate why so many are victims of the disease. If you have a colleague or loved one we should include, please share their story.

Kaiser Health News (KHN) is a national health policy news service. It is an editorially independent program of the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation which is not affiliated with Kaiser Permanente.

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‘It Doesn’t Feel Worth It’: Covid Is Pushing New York’s EMTs to the Brink published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.weebly.com/

[fireflythecinnamonjollyrancher]

hello it is once again time for my end of the year wrap up. this should be... interesting

january

finally finally got to have a happy apartment experience!!!!! tried out tea drops which are dope. there was a fair amount of stress revolving around APO induction and the musical rehearsal, but we made it!!! partied hardy (the infamous tess in the washing machine incident) kelli was watching always sunny more often than not. i wore some arguably bad clothing but ya know. gays. we tried to take off my closet door (it did NOT work). the beginning of the goose saga! there was a sleet storm so kelli and i made some popcorn and watched mike birbiglia’s new special. darci, kelli and i went out to eat and then ended up in babcock playing air hockey before watching videos with kai who was on duty. PEP BAND???? some good memories formed there. dogs in the library! got bullied by my library boss to put gas in my car and i sent her a video of proof that i did it “daddy long legs” “stop. what?” “the musical” (i do love timothy) i actually practiced my instrument lol wild. WE (becky, celeste, timothy and i) WATCHED SPIRIT and got wildly drunk -- the origin of “[redacted] [redacted] who???” which is my favorite joke.

february

MORE PEP BAND im actually really glad i spent my last few college months dicking around with the band. one man drumline!!! kai made some good tiktoks in our apartment! miss hanging with them it was really fun. oh i hung out with sam and celeste watching movies “he was a boy, she was a dolphin, can i make it anymore [strangled dolphin noises]” OUR MICROWAVE HANDLE BROKE OFF while kelli was gone man that entire apartment was falling apart (hey dumbass grab from top) -- a list of things that were broken in our apartment: fridge light, front entry light, showerhead, phone. the birth of the beans insta!!!! got hit on when i was at taco bell with timothy by being accused of being trans (taco bell guy was not far off to be fair). oh the improv posters as compared to the posters i built for an organization fair. went out and got daRUNK at what appears to be wandas. really struggled with my period. cut hair with kelli n darci. MOZZ STICKS. “you still a lil bitch???” oh we did kpy pal-entines!!! where we ate good food and watched the princess bride!!! i received the plush goose. there was a possible bombing at the bank next door to where we rehearsed for band. aw i went on a tommy’s date with becky that was cute. they tried to STEAL the QUESO. disagreed with a curb and still have those scars. worked a horrible gig at the theatre. closing shifts at the library baby! middle school tours EW more library dogs! fish hooks song oh my god. drunk mash nights!!! i rewatched HAVEN and had lots of feelings. actually got drunk alone a lot which was Bad. however michael malloys birthday! watched choir concert at work lol. stats final whilst drunk!!!! becky got a piercing

march

here things go downhill rapidly. hit up the trains at least once. oh late library nights with timothy!!!! the best nights i miss hanging with him while at work. struggled with my car. went on a college sponsored adventure to a back alley farm. SCURVY FEARS. opening shifts that were lonely. oh celeste played plague and named it covid and won lol yikes. the infamous apartment cone. we stayed up long enough to see the sunrise on literally the last day in college I would ever have. that was good. I FOUND OUT KELLI HAD GLASSES im still pissed. came home indefinitely. went to st patty’s day at brookes with karrigan and that was SO much fun (this was before things seemed real) the best part of that was the irish pub owner who happened to have a son that went to my college. got my mom onto tik tok. took a gay lit class. can’t believe i took daily fckn walks around the pasture who was i. hosted virtual meetings for apo and played around with the closed captioning. that was fun. shaved my moms head lmaooo. worked on my capstone which im like super proud of? i wish i could have directed it but say law vee. 

april

BAGPIPE CORPS INTERNATIONAL. virtual band wreaked havoc on my animals mental health. my grandmother would always bug me while i was working which i understand now was misplaced love but it was so irritating at the time. we had library meetings once a week or so that was vital to mental health. hosted a really fun “panel” about queer identity for my queer lit class that was able to educate a lot of people. having a capstone class with am*lia was a nightmare. watched a cirque du soleil show for free and lost my mind. wrote a comedic monologue that i suffered through. suffered through papers and projects. worked on a project with celeste and kelli and we had SUCH a good time. i hosted several jackbox nights for both apo and kpy. that was SUCH an exhausting experience. also uno and drawful with the uno group (kelli would win 100% of the time). ranted about group projects lol i struggled. OH THE MOVE OUT DEBACLE i really went off the deep end. kelli’s virtual birthday!!!!

may

we had so many good jackbox nights. academic showcase and honors convocation happened wherein i was name bronco award winner and that really wrecked me too lol. we had a sunday crew hang out for library workers. clarinet game night too! i tried so hard to build community during covid and im not altogether sure i accomplished it but ya know whatever. watsky broke the record! made my “aced it” grad cap which was so FUNNY and still is tbh. becky taught me how to do makeup. took grad pictures at an abandoned farmhouse lol OH MY GOSH BEAUX ARTS AND APO SKIT i was so proud of that night and annette said it was the best one we’d ever had. wish i had done more but we did it boys. also got VERY drunk for it lol completely redid my room. bc it was NASTY. the way i write papers is so SO funny to me. had our last capstones class and then dressed in grad outfits for our last lit meeting . graduated and got all my stuff from college finally. went shopping with timothy, had el puerto with becky (i think?). oh the infamous miller moths UGH shit is nasty. THE FORMING OF BANJO SHRIMPS occurred on may 24 2020 and that was the absolute best thing to come out of this year. started working at my dads agency which was the absolute worst thing to come out of this year. attended my first protest in cos which was good and healthy. started protesting regularly after that. my most poignant memory was laying down in front of city hall and chanting “i cant breathe” for 8 minutes. 

june

it snowed???? i was angry. part of my job was reading my dad’s email and there was some WACKO shit in there. went to brookes for pride as a surprise which was cute n fun. had a horrible interaction with a client. the appearance of the bigfoot statue!!!! we had a vanilla beans hang out. there was a WILD storm that literally made my hide out in the office. 

july

went on a bonkers rant about america bc fuck this place. helped mom out with homework. we had several clients get divorces which was messy. went to a Bad party where i was angry the whole time. went to the top of pikes peak with my grandma and saw many much bigfoot things. we got a GOOSE he hated us so much. oh there was a night where darci and kai came over and we hijacked kelli’s spotify and communicated that way it was SO funny. took a video of the dichotomy of man bc of my long ass leg hair and short ass head hair. shaved my head to the BONE and tried dragon fruit. GOT NIKO ON JULY 24 my sweet sweet boy lil bat looking motherfucker. got denied for life insurance for mental health reasons. 

august

went back to hc for a birthday “party” and to see the band. did a lot in that weekend (stayed with timothy’s family, helped becky move, met kelli’s look-alike, saw timothy and karlie’s new house!!! had lunch with kellis family which is closest to “meet my parents” i think i’ll ever get lmao). got my prof headshots and hate every single one of them but more for self esteem reasons lol. neighbors got goats and my mom lost her marbles. got trapped in traffic on the way back from hc. niko had crackhead energy. oooooooh documented gender crisis. ma got more chickens. went to a birthday party for a high school friend and was just... so out of my element. its weird. took off my grandma’s bathroom door bc she had knee surgery. started a full time job as my grandmother’s caretaker (love working for the family business lol).

september

went to breckenridge with a friend!!!!!! spicy times lol. cleaned the cupboard. had a birf. turned 22. cas finished her drugs!!!! and felt much better. we did a charcuterie board for my birthday which was very fun. Got a mixer set!!! went to hc for homecoming and graduated!!!!! surprised celeste and hannah with a celebration party for them (it was a lot of fun). came up with my BEST joke (summa cum laude). got called tf out for my gender crisis via tarot. got the goose game!!!! played the goose game!!!!

october

applied to chicago center!!!! will now be working there for a year!!!! this was the first documentation of banjo shrimp nights. surprised my dad for boss day by working with the team to fill his office with balloons. house sat for dad’s friends. started taking showers in the dark. went to celestes and made PASTA wow got very drunk and while she slept i just explored a strangers house. voted!!!!! wow. finally (finally) started to accept that i was maybe agender. had a snow day but i couldn’t work so that was fun. had halloween with banjo shrimps where i dressed up as david rose. that was SUCH a good night. participated in ace week!!! then, dressed as radar for actual halloween and had monumental. worked a volunteer haunted house and like... actually did pretty good?? felt like a real adult!!!!

november

so many things happened in november. i finished miraculous ladybug on netflix. had another bad interaction with a client bc the customer is always wrong. shaved my head. PRESENTATION NIGHT to distract from the election lmao what a good time. had so many emotions about the election. then biden won and we lost our damn minds -- video called with celeste and becky to celebrate (with the reminder that we know that this doesn’t solve everything but it was such a huge sigh of relief). started watching the last kids on earth. made more PASTA and soup! got my GHOSTY TATTOO. kahoot night with the banjo shrimps lol. watched the supernatural finale with kelli (what good memories) rewatched 3below good shit. got the chicago job so i quit being an insurance person!!!! brooke came for thanksgiving!!!

december

i dont wanna talk about it but i finally started watching unus annus (theres an archive its not the same but it provided me wild amounts of serotonin). “call that invisible split dye”. crimmus. had a video call with people from high school i rarely if ever see. this entire month has been a fuckin blur my guys but i’m so excited for what’s next. in two days i will be in an apartment in chicago. i will be reunited with my best friend in a little under two weeks. i cannot emphasize enough how excited i am for this next chapter. so yeah. that was my year. im sure there was more memories but that’s what the sideblog is for lol

[lewishamledger]

Another round at The Fellowship

Above: Rob Star and Yarda Krampol from the Electric Star Group in the pub's newly restored cinema

WORDS BY LUKE G WILLIAMS; PHOTO BY LIMA CHARLIE

For Pat Fordham, the reopening of the restored Fellowship Inn in Bellingham – now named the Fellowship and Star – has been a highly emotional experience.

The 75-year-old community activist, who received an MBE for her services to the borough of Lewisham in 2011, is the founding chair of the board of Phoenix Community Housing, London’s first resident-led housing association, which has overseen and driven forward the Fellowship project.

Speaking to The Lewisham Ledger, Pat stresses the transformative effects of the development.

“Back in the day, the Fellowship was a family pub but then for a while it turned into somewhere quite nasty,” she says. “People didn’t really go in there anymore. I only ever went in there twice, for a party and a funeral, so I didn’t have any real feelings about it.

“I visited the [restored venue] the week before last. I’m on a mobility scooter – I drove through the front door and could move all around wherever I wanted to go. The sun was coming in through the skylight and it felt like I was back in time.

“It’s really beautifully done. Looking across the floor I could imagine people getting up and dancing, being involved, having parties, christenings, weddings, whatever. I choked up and felt quite tearful. It’s as if someone has waved a magic wand over the building.”

Magical and somewhat miraculous too, the Fellowship’s restorative journey is an inspirational tale of what local community activism can achieve.

Built on Randlesdown Road in the 1920s, the Fellowship was the first British pub to be located on a housing estate, in this case London County Council’s Bellingham Estate.

Not only was it a pub, but the Fellowship also contained a popular performance venue, which played host over the years to numerous musical acts, including Fleetwood Mac and Eric Clapton.

Famously, the pub also acted as the home and training base for legendary British boxer Henry Cooper, as he prepared for his iconic 1963 heavyweight showdown with Muhammad Ali (turn to page 31 to read the full story).

However by the early 21st century, years of neglect had seen the Fellowship fall into a state of desperate disrepair.

Enter Phoenix, the not-for-profit housing association of which Pat Fordham is such an integral part and which owns and manages more than 6,000 homes in Lewisham.

Jim Ripley, chief executive of Phoenix since 2007, takes up the story.

“I inspected the Fellowship in 2007 and it was in a very sorry state. It was derelict and dangerous apart from the one bar being used.

“Around this time so many pubs in this area were closing and developers were descending on them to turn them into flats. The Fellowship was the only pub left in the area.

“We negotiated with the council and bought the freehold. At one point a developer had bought a lease on the pub which we were concerned about, but we eventually managed to get the freehold and the leasehold.”

In 2013, the Fellowship was given grade-II-listed status for being a “remarkably complete example of an interwar public house”, while in December 2014, Phoenix was awarded a grant of £4 million from the Heritage Lottery Fund to restore the building.

“The grade-II listing was great for us because it allowed us to apply to the Heritage Lottery Fund,” Jim points out. Without funding, he says, “It wouldn’t have been sustainable economically to restore it and run a business from it. It would never have paid back the money it would have taken to restore it.

“Our vision was to create apprenticeships and jobs and create a legacy, but most importantly a pub that was true to the original idea behind the Fellowship, that it be a hub of the community.”

The spectacular restoration includes a pub, which reopened on June 14; a cinema, which enjoyed its first screening on July 2; and a function room. A cafe will also be opening on the site later this year.

Jim admits that as the various sections of the Fellowship have gradually been completed and opened, he has felt “a bit surreal”.

“When it finally reopened, it was incredible, I couldn’t believe it,” he says. “It was pretty emotional. In life you don’t often get the opportunity to see a project through like this.

“I’ve been working on this over such a long period of time. Each step has been momentous, from buying the leasehold, to getting the freehold to negotiating with the Heritage Lottery Fund, to seeing the building work go ahead.

“I’m very privileged to have seen a project through like this. Everyone in Bellingham seems excited by it. It’s given the whole place a buzz. I can only hope it will be everything we said it would be at the beginning – that it will bring visitors and jobs and pride to the area.”

The passion and pride that Pat and Jim possess is echoed by the company that Phoenix has entrusted to operate the business: the Electric Star Group.

“We had to get a partner for the pub who bought into our vision,” Jim emphasises. “It was a long process but we found Electric Star and they’ve been brilliant.”

Electric Star’s founder Rob Star is an entrepreneur who cut his teeth organising parties, raves and festivals. With five other pubs already part of his group, Rob has now added the Fellowship and Star to his portfolio and is bringing his natural sense of the theatrical and the big occasion to Bellingham.

“A pub these days can’t necessarily just be a place that sells good food and drink,” Rob explains. “People want something more in terms of entertainment – whether that be music or drink tasting or cocktail-making events.

“As soon as I walked into the Fellowship and saw the scale of what was being restored, and the opportunities with the cinema and cafe and function room, it ticked a lot of boxes.”

Rob passionately endorses Phoenix’s vision of the Fellowship and Star as an integral part of the Bellingham community, as well as a welcoming hub for a wide range of activities that seek to bind local people together.

“The most important part of the project for us is that people know we are here and we are up for doing stuff,” he says. “No matter how crazy an idea people think they have got, I want them to come forward and tell us.

“That’s what makes a pub great – people coming in and doing things and not just us dictating what goes on.

“We want to put a really wide range of events on – whether it’s a play by Greenwich and Lewisham Young People’s Theatre or a DJ gig, a yoga class or a social event for local pensioners.

“We are open to anybody from the local community putting ideas forward and saying what they would like to see in the venue.

“If people can get together and organise, we will provide the space. We’re not charging a hire fee to use any of the spaces because we want to get people in to see and experience the Fellowship and Star. We want as many people from the local community to come as possible.”

The man whom Rob has entrusted with the day-to-day running of the Fellowship is general manager Yarda Krampol – the duo having previously been business partners in the famed east London street food market the Last Days of Shoreditch.

When he speaks to The Lewisham Ledger two weeks after the pub’s opening, Yarda admits he has been “working around the clock” for weeks on end, yet his voice, initially a little weary, soon hums with enthusiasm and elation as his passion for the project resonates.

“Operation-wise I’m happy,” he says. “We’ve got a strong team in place and most of the staff we have hired are Bellingham residents.

“In terms of customers the response has been very positive. We’ve already had a quiz night and the DJ night we had with Thomas Turgoose from This is England was packed so it’s been a very positive start.

“The opening was delayed by four months, which was frustrating but we spent that time connecting with the local community, making sure residents really knew about the project.”

Yarda pinpoints Jim Ripley’s role as essential in the resurrection of the Fellowship. “Without Jim we wouldn’t be having this conversation. He’s such a people person and such a visionary. He could foresee what could happen to this building. He deserves massive credit.”

While the Fellowship and Star is looking to the future, Yarda also emphasises that it will remain ever conscious of its long and varied history.

“I think as you enter the building you get a feeling of the old and the new. The interior design is new but reflects the heritage of the building as well.

“The history is still breathing through the walls, we have just added a modern operation on top of it.”

[phoenyx-rose-blog]

Meet Zakary Dean

June 2009, I was blessed with the birth of my long-awaited second son. A Gemini, born at 7 lbs 14 oz. and 20 in. long, who knew this little stinker would grow to be the pride and joy of my life?!

He reads above grade level and writes with the prettiest handwriting. He even has his first ‘girlfriend’. What am I gonna do with him?! 

Time goes by far too fast! My baby boy isn’t such a baby anymore. He is outgoing and friendly and the most loving little boy you have ever met!

He loves video games, Legos and Hot Wheels. He enjoys school and has mastered Common Core Math. He is rather brilliant for his age.

If you’re feeling down, all you need is a hug from this little guy! He’s had his own struggles in life though.

He’s suffered two severe concussions in his short life. The first was when he was 18 months old. He was trying to climb up the bunk bed ladder and his sister, thought she was helping by placing a pillow across the top to block him. 

When she did this, she actually pushed him off the ladder and his head hit a very large door hinge. He had a small compressed skull fracture, severe concussion without hemorrhage and minor loss of vision. 

He should have had 8 staples but in the end he got 4. He was holding his breath and passing out while the doctor was placing them so the decision was made to prevent any further brain damage and give fewer staples.

The second was last summer, the day before school started. He was jumping on the trampoline. The kids decided to have a jug of tea on it and play a game where you have to jump over the tea jug. Well, he did…

He dove clear over the tea jug AND the side of the trampoline. He landed on the front left part of his head! Knocking himself unconscious for almost a full minute. He was unresponsive and I was terrified!

He was curled in the fetal position and everything I have been taught said, “Don’t move him.” but damn it! My baby wasn’t breathing!! So, I slowly turned him onto his back and by some miracle he gasped for air!

At that point I probably should have been calling an ambulance. But we lived in the middle of nowhere, with only a volunteer ambulance corps and it would take the crew longer to get to the ambulance than it would for me to drive him to the emergency room myself. So, that’s exactly what I did.

After several hours of observation, in and out of lucidity, x-rays, CTs and multiple other tests, we were released with orders for no gym or physical activity until further notice. 

He suffered from nausea and headaches for almost 60 days after. However, today he is back to his normal happy little self!

This year, on July 2nd, he presented with a rash. Not a normal raised and bumpy or itchy rash but a smooth purplish red rash instead. We watched it for two whole days until it was completely out of control and we had tried everything. Creams, ointments, baths, home remedies, ice, heat, allergy meds, etc.Nothing worked.

On July 4th, just in time for him to see the fireworks across the street, we arrived at the ER. He was evaluated and sent home with a ‘Virus’ as his diagnosis. . .

WRONG! 

Two more days pass and he kept getting worse. Now he developed a neuropathy in his hands and feet that was excruciating. So we went back to the ER on July 6th. 

He was evaluated again and this time he was transferred to Methodist Children’s Hospital in San Antonio. It was the best thing that could have happened. He spent 5 days there, all the while being treated like a prince. 

After the 5 days were up, the rash was gone and gabapentin was helping with the neuropathy. He was discharged. We had no answers after dozens of tests. Just referrals to several specialists.

We did however, find out that he may have Bi-Cuspid Aortic Valve in his heart. Its a pretty serious condition that will be with him for life. He sees the Cardiologist on October 9th to repeat his Echo an confirm. We are hoping for good news.

You’d never know that he was or is sick. He still plays and acts like he did before his episode. If nothing else, he is resilient! He will most definitely always be my little fighter!

This is Zakary, 6th Child, 3rd Son, My Knight in Shining Armor! 

[daveykid]

A Deeper Look into Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A."

I'm not sure how much specifically you know about this album, possibly aside from the album's title track. (Which so happens to be the ultimate embodiment of the theme of this deeper look, and quite likely not so unintentionally.)

First, the obvious side.

This record is the best seller for Bruce & his band at an estimated 30 million units. It's also estimated to be the 25th top-selling album of all time. It had seven singles in the Billboard Top Ten from June 1984 to February of 1986. Seven Top 10s out of the twelve total tracks on the album - and a string of hits that lasted for over twenty-one months. (For a musical 'frame of reference', an album we know intimately, Drake's Scorpion had eight singles that reached Billboard's Top 10 list, but hung around a total of only eight months. Obviously, time, trend, and music consumption moves at a much different pace these days so it's not a direct comparison but again just a frame for reference.) The title track as a single is certified Gold status, and the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) placed the song 59th out of 365 for their Songs of the Century list. (The list is based upon "promoting a better understanding of America's musical and cultural heritage." In the top twenty of this list are songs like "Over the Rainbow", "White Christmas", "Take Me out to the Ball Game", "Stars and Stripes Forever", and "God Bless America". Very different than a song like "Born in the U.S.A.") We today, still hear classic rock and classic hits stations playing "Born in the U.S.A" and "Dancing in the Dark" seemingly on a once-every-hour basis.

And now to the dark side. 

If you take the catchy & fun-loving choruses, the mostly-upbeat instrumentation, the seemingly pridefully patriotic title of the album and its' greatest hit, and ignore the rest - the sales, the awards, and the recognition that this is one of America's most glory-freedom-working man-red, white, and blue-centric albums of all time makes a lot of sense. However, if you discard the album cover, mute the comfortable sounds of the Cougar-Mellencamp style 80s Americana-Rock & Roll, and read the lyrics - then you might discover this album to be one of the greatest misunderstandings in pop music recordings.

From here, I'll just let selections from Springsteen's lyrics speak for themselves. I limit the following to selections, not to try to take away from a 'Heartland-Americana' message, but simply because some of the songs are actually just somewhat silly love songs, and their lyrics don't take either side of my 'argument'.

We'll start with the title track of the album and the first song on the album.

"Born in the U.S.A"

Born down in a dead man's town The first kick I took was when I hit the ground End up like a dog that's been beat too much 'Til you spend half your life just covering up

Born in the U.S.A I was born in the U.S.A I was born in the U.S.A Born in the U.S.A

Got in a little hometown jam So they put a rifle in my hand Sent me off to a foreign land To go and kill the yellow man

Born in the U.S.A I was born in the U.S.A I was born in the U.S.A I was born in the U.S.A

Come back home to the refinery Hiring man said "son if it was up to me" Went down to see my V.A. man He said "son, don't you understand"

I had a brother at Khe Sanh fighting off the Viet Cong They're still there, he's all gone He had a woman he loved in Saigon I got a picture of him in her arms now

Down in the shadow of the penitentiary Out by the gas fires of the refinery I'm ten years burning down the road Nowhere to run ain't got nowhere to go Born in the U.S.A I was born in the U.S.A Born in the U.S.A  

Okay, actually those are the EXACT lyrics for the ENTIRE song without any REDUCTIONS. Holy shit. That's heavier & more critical than even I knew. Enough said - on to track two.

"Cover Me"

The times are tough now, just getting tougher This whole world is rough, it's just getting rougher Cover me, come on baby, cover me Well I'm looking for a lover who will come on in and cover me

Now promise me baby you won't let them find us Hold me in your arms, let's let our love blind us Cover me, shut the door and cover me I'm looking for a lover who will come on in and cover me

Outside's the rain, the driving snow I can hear the wild wind blowing Turn out the light, bolt the door I ain't going out there no more

This whole world is out there just trying to score I've seen enough I don't wanna see any more, Cover me, come on in and cover me I'm looking for a lover who will come on in and cover me

Outside's the rain, the driving snow I can hear the wild wind blowing Turn out the light, bolt the door I ain't going out there no more

Here the lyrics aren't specifically anti-government, US-critical, etc., but they certainly aren't happy lyrics. These words are expressing heavy depression, intense anxiety, and forlorn frustration. The narrator is searching for a romantic partner to willfully blind himself and be ignorant and shielded from the world outside.

"Darlington County"

Driving into Darlington County Me and Wayne on the Fourth of July Driving into Darlington County Looking for some work on the county line

We drove down from New York City Where the girls are pretty but they just want to know your name Driving into Darlington City Got a union connection with an uncle of Wayne's

We drove eight hundred miles without seeing a cop We got rock and roll music blasting off the T-top, singing

Little girl sitting in the window Ain't seen my buddy in seven days, play it boys County man tells me the same thing He don't work and he don't get paid

Little girl you're so young and pretty Walk with me and you can have your way And we'll leave this Darlington City For a ride down that Dixie Highway

Driving out of Darlington County Eyes seen the glory of the coming of the Lord Driving out of Darlington County Seen Wayne handcuffed to the bumper of a state trooper's Ford

This song is probably the most jingle-jangle, pop-friendly tune on the record, but again, the lyrics tell a different story. And also nothing really political here, but it is a story of two somewhat morally decrepit, sleazy guys who, even though they are unemployed and looking for work, are pretending to have a lot of money in order to get with pretty girls. The narrator even describes her as a 'little girl' who is 'so young and pretty'. The listener can assume that the narrator leaves town with this girl and leaves his buddy stranded, only to see him getting arrested by a state trooper. There's nothing to be proud of in this story.

"Working on the Highway"

I work for the county out on ninety five All day I hold a red flag and watch the traffic pass me by In my head I keep a picture of a pretty little miss Someday, mister, I'm gonna lead a better life than this

Working on the highway, laying down the blacktop Working on the highway, all day long I don't stop Working on the highway, blasting through the bedrock Working on the highway, working on the highway

I met her at a dance down at the union hall She was standing with her brothers, back up against the wall Sometimes we'd go walking down the Union tracks One day I looked straight at her and she looked straight back

I saved up my money and I put it all away I went to see her daddy but we didn't have much to say "Son, can't you see that she's just a little girl She don't know nothing about this cruel, cruel world" We lit out down to Florida, we got along all right One day her brothers came and got her and they took me in a black-and-white The prosecutor kept the promise that he made on that day And the judge got mad and he put me straight away I wake up every morning to the work bell clang Me and the warden go swinging on the Charlotte County road gang I'm

Working on the highway, laying down the blacktop Working on the highway, all day long I don't stop Working on the highway, blasting through the bedrock Working on the highway, working on the highway

This is another song that seems to be just an upbeat, pure-pride working man's Americana ballad about hard work and the simple life and simple pleasures. Look closer and we see the story unfolds in another dark direction. The narrator is a highway construction worker who's got nothing better to do during his workday than to fantasize about a sexy girl. He eventually meets someone that he feels fits that description. They like each other. They quickly elope to Florida. Her brothers come and get her and take her back home. Turns out she was not even the age of legal consent, sending him to prison for statutory rape where he's forced into manual labor where, you guessed it, he's working on the highway. Not much joy here. No pride to be found. Nothing to be proud of.

"Downbound Train"

I had a job, I had a girl I had something going, mister, in this world I got laid off down at the lumber yard Our love went bad, times got hard Now I work down at the car wash Where all it ever does is rain Don't you feel like you're a rider on a downbound train She just said, "Joe, I gotta go We had it once, we ain't got it anymore" She packed her bags, left me behind She bought a ticket on the Central Line Nights as I sleep, I hear that whistle whining I feel her kiss in the misty rain And I feel like I'm a rider on a downbound train

Last night I heard your voice You were crying, crying, you were so alone You said your love had never died You were waiting for me at home Put on my jacket, I ran through the woods I ran till I thought my chest would explode There in the clearing, beyond the highway In the moonlight, our wedding house shone I rushed through the yard I burst through the front door, my head pounding hard Up the stairs I climbed The room was dark, our bed was empty Then I heard that long whistle whine And I dropped to my knees, hung my head and cried Now I swing a sledge hammer on a railroad gang Knocking down them cross ties, working in the rain Now, don't it feel like you're a rider on a downbound train  

Shit. Another song that ends with the narrator getting arrested for a seemingly-honest act of desperation. There's nothing from the lyrics that need elaboration. Guy gets laid-off from a low-skill, low-education job. Marriage suffers. Woman leaves. Man gets an even shittier job. Man dwells on his broken heart and becomes delusional. Man breaks into either his old home which he doesn't own anymore or to the home where his ex-wife lives. Either way he ends up doing forced labor in prison.

"I'm on Fire"

Hey little girl, is your daddy home? Did he go away and leave you all alone? Mhmm I got a bad desire Oh oh oh, I'm on fire Tell me now, baby, is he good to you? And can he do to you the things that I do? Oh no I can take you higher Oh oh oh, I'm on fire Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby Edgy and dull and cut a six inch valley Through the middle of my skull At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet And a freight train running through the middle of my head Only you can cool my desire

Another song that has nothing to be happy about. I won't even touch the 'hey little girl, is your daddy home?' part, because that could either be the narrator's way of talking sexy to a woman who already has a man, or it could be taken literally: a pedophile trying to have sex with a non-adult girl. The last two verses of the song are again describing severe mental and emotional instability. The narrator feels like he's been cut through the middle of his mind with a long, but dull knife. He also frequently wakes up in sweat and feels like a freight train is running through his mind. This is definitely not a love song, and there is nothing to be happy or encouraged about here. I'll skip "No Surrender" because though that is another song of run-out-of-options desperation, it is the most hopeful and resilient story on the album, which doesn't say much.

"Bobby Jean"

Well, I came to your house the other day Your mother said you went away She said there was nothing that I could have done There was nothing nobody could say Me and you, we've known each other ever since we were sixteen I wished I could have known I wished I could have called you Just to say goodbye, Bobby Jean Now, you hung with me when all the others Turned away, turned up their nose We liked the same music, we liked the same bands We liked the same clothes We told each other that we were the wildest The wildest things we'd ever seen Now I wished you would have told me I wished I could have talked to you Just to say goodbye, Bobby Jean Now, we went walking in the rain, Talking about the pain that from the world we hid Now there ain't nobody, nowhere, nohow Gonna ever understand me the way you did Maybe you'll be out there on that road somewhere In some bus or train traveling along In some motel room there'll be a radio playing And you'll hear me sing this song Well, if you do, you'll know I'm thinking of you And all the miles in between And I'm just calling you one last time Not to change your mind, but just to say I miss you, baby Good luck, goodbye, Bobby Jean

This is another song of broken relationships, inevitable endings, and filled with regret. The narrator loses the only person he feels he could express himself to, the only person who truly understood him - and it seems obvious to the reader that this connection and love was unreciprocated because he didn't even know she was leaving, let alone gone. Another song of disappointment and sadness. The music is seemingly light-hearted with a doo-wop, Jersey boardwalk kinda sound.

"I'm Goin' Down"

We sit in the car outside your house I can feel the heat coming 'round I go to put my arm around you And you give me a look like I'm way out of bounds Well you let out one of your bored sighs Well lately when I look into your eyes Down, down, down, down I'm goin down, down, down, down I'm goin down, down, down, down I'm goin down, down, down, down We get dressed up and we go out, baby, for the night We come home early burning, burning, burning in some fire fight I'm sick and tired of you setting me up yeah Setting me up just to knock-a knock-a knock-a me down Down, down, down, down I'm goin down, down, down, down I'm goin down, down, down, down I'm goin down, down, down, down, hey now I pull you close now baby but when we kiss I can feel a doubt I remember back when we started My kisses used to turn you inside out I used to drive you to work in the morning Friday night I'd drive you all around You used to love to drive me wild yeah But lately girl you get your kicks from just driving me down

And yet another about the dying embers of a love soon to be lost. Simply put, it's a couple who's been together for quite some time, and it's growing boring, regular, even poisonous.

"Glory Days" Now I think I'm going down to the well tonight And I'm going to drink till I get my fill And I hope when I get old I don't sit around thinking about it But I probably will Yeah, just sitting back trying to recapture A little of the glory of, well time slips away And leaves you with nothing mister but Boring stories of glory days

I employ only the last verse here to encapsulate the overall meaning of the song. The story features an ex-great high school baseball player, a formerly popular talk-of-the-town beauty, and (assumedly) the narrator's father who's recently been laid-off and can't find work anywhere else. The common denominator the three characters share is their sadness, their brokenness, their strong nostalgia, and their fruitless desire to be young again.

"Dancing in the Dark" I get up in the evening And I ain't got nothing to say I come home in the morning I go to bed feeling the same way I ain't nothing but tired Man I'm just tired and bored with myself Hey there baby, I could use just a little help You can't start a fire You can't start a fire without a spark This gun's for hire Even if we're just dancing in the dark Message keeps getting clearer Radio's on and I'm moving 'round the place I check my look in the mirror I want to change my clothes, my hair, my face Man I ain't getting nowhere I'm just living in a dump like this There's something happening somewhere Baby I just know that there is You can't start a fire You can't start a fire without a spark This gun's for hire Even if we're just dancing in the dark You sit around getting older There's a joke here somewhere and it's on me I'll shake this world off my shoulders Come on baby this laugh's on me Stay on the streets of this town And they'll be carving you up alright They say you gotta stay hungry Hey baby I'm just about starving tonight I'm dying for some action I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book I need a love reaction Come on now baby gimme just one look 

This the second most successful and well-known song and also the second most often misunderstood song from the album. Most folks tend to just focus on that strong, driving backbeat and the cute little dancing chorus. Read these lyrics and we have the story of ANOTHER unskilled, undereducated, lonely and isolated man who is working third-shift, going through a monotonous depression, and desperately reaching out for any kind of emotional & physical connection. There is no resolution that gives us a happy ending. The 'baby' referred to throughout the song never speaks, is never addressed, doesn't have a name, and the reader has no way of knowing if this person even exists. It's just a bare and desperate man appealing to the world for anyone.

"My Hometown" I was eight years old and running with a dime in my hand Into the bus stop to pick up a paper for my old man I'd sit on his lap in that big old Buick and steer as we drove through town He'd tousle my hair and say son take a good look around This is your hometown This is your hometown This is your hometown This is your hometown In '65 tension was running high at my high school There was a lot of fights between the black and white There was nothing you could do Two cars at a light on a Saturday night in the back seat there was a gun Words were passed in a shotgun blast Troubled times had come To my hometown My hometown My hometown My hometown Now Main Street's whitewashed windows and vacant stores Seems like there ain't nobody wants to come down here no more They're closing down the textile mill across the railroad tracks Foreman says these jobs are going boys and they ain't coming back To your hometown Your hometown Your hometown Your hometown Last night me and Kate we laid in bed Talking about getting out Packing up our bags maybe heading south I'm thirty five we got a boy of our own now Last night I sat him up behind the wheel and said son take a good look around This is your hometown

Thought this one was going to be different? You thought Bruce wouldn't... couldn't let us watch the record stop spinning in its' final seconds and send us off into the night in darkness, desperation, gloom, regret, heartbreak, inevitable sadness, etc. etc.? You were hoping for a shot of love or light or hope or anything that will make us glad and happy about life and the world we live in? Well, you were wrong and embarrassingly naive for hoping. This song is a saddened look at the narrator's hometown. Violent and unstable relationships between black and white residents fueled by racial tension and inequality. Someone was murdered in the heat of this friction which caused an economic and cultural downward spiral to which the narrator's only answer is to move himself and his family away. The story ends in the same way it began, but not so proudly and optimistically - the narrator offers his son one last look behind the wheel at his old hometown. No pride. No resolution. No tribalism, no nationalism, no patriotism. No union pride nor worker's pride nor industry pride. Just a river slowly drying up. Just individuals and communities growing more desperate as their already-small window continues its' shrinking.

And that is a lyrical examination of literally EVERY song on the album whose title track the RIAA says proudly promotes a better understanding of America's musical and cultural heritage among songs like "Over the Rainbow", "White Christmas", "Take Me out to the Ball Game", "Stars and Stripes Forever", and "God Bless America". It looks like what we've got here is a failure to communicate.

[cjkendricksmusicblog]

MONDAY MOTIVATIONS

​What's good, good people!?! Get ready for another jam-packed, introspective, insightful edition of CJKENDRICKS MUSIC NEWS!!

 This week... It's crunch time for the Kickstarter campaign! I've got just under two weeks to go and I'm letting you in on my last ditch efforts for success. I'm heavy into promotion for the July performance at Vinyl in Atlanta! Discount tickets are available and the show rehearsals begin this week!! Listen to 89.3FM in Atlanta for singles from FAME vs INFAMY!!! And there's much much more....

​CRUNCHTIME for KICKSTARTER!!!

With less than two weeks left to go in the campaign, I'm exhausting all communication efforts I've learned and accessed over the last few months. I'll be sending personal Facebook messages and emails, texting and tweeting friends and fans, and making use of services like GreenInbox, Ninja Outreach, ReverbNation's Fanreach and more to get the word out. I'm asking for any help you all can provide! Let's make this happen. I've crafted an audio sample that will be added to all outgoing messages and posted with the next Kickstarter update. Take a listen below.... 

https://soundcloud.com/cjkendricksmusic/kickstarter-campaign-audio-sampler

AND please support my Kickstarter campaign!!!

​JULY SHOW - CJ performing LIVE in ATLANTA

I'm so hella stoked to be returning to the Vinyl stage soon, and I've got two treats for you guys to celebrate!!! First, all tickets purchased on or before June 30th receive a free download of FAME vs INFAMY.... PLUS ... all Kickstarter backers receive FREE TICKETS to the show (pending a successful campaign). Discount tickets are available online using promo code CJ971. Advanced ticket sales not only save you guys money, but it also helps me earn a little extra cash as well as other perks such as a longer performance time, the chance to choose my position in the show line-up and so much more. So COME ON, and "meet me on the dance floor". Hurry and get your tickets now!! Discount code expires June 30th and Kickstarter campaign ends July 7th. 

3 Ways to get your tickets:

- $10 - Direct from the artist or artist's team 

- $12 + fees - Online at www.aftonshows.com/cjkendricksmusic

- $15 - At the Door  (DOES NOT HELP THE ARTIST!!! THESE TICKETS ONLY BENEFIT THE PROMOTOR & VENUE)

​CJ on the Radio!!!

SHOW U OFF, COME ON and SUMMERTIME SWEETHEART will hit the indie airwaves soon. I visited WRFG 89.3 in Atlanta last week and had a great chat with the station manager!! I've submitted singles from FAME vs INFAMY for airplay, so tune in to 89.3's SOUL RHAPSODY weekday mornings from 10am til noon, ROCKERS INTERNATIONAL Saturday afternoons at 2pm, and BEATZ and LYRICS Saturday nights at 10pm!!! This is the station that helped get iconic Atlanta artists like OutKast and TLC their start, and I'm so honored and humbled to be working with them. Streaming worldwide at www.wrfg.org

​MOTOWN MONDAY RETURNS TONIGHT on YouTube!!!

I took time off last week to rest my vocals, but today I'm back with a Marvin Gaye triple feature! This week's episode of Motown Monday starts off with an acapella rendition of Trouble Man. It will also feature the usual karaoke performance, but will close with a music video cover of Let's Get It On!!! It debuts today exclusively on YouTube, don't miss it!!! And be sure to check out my INSTAGRAM this week for all new rounds of "GUESS THAT SONG" for your chance to win free music downloads, concert tickets and exclusive merchandise!!

​SELF DISCOVERY: Part 2 - Epiphany incites Transition

 I took a little time off from this blog and my YouTube series to rest, rejuvenate, relax, and reminisce. There're so many things in the world that I have yet to speak on as an artist because I've been careful in crafting my brand, and mindful of the persona I'm creating and how it may be perceived in the court of public opinion. But today, I have to break my silence. I feel the need to let fans and supporters know the more real, human side of me, and how recent events in the world have affected my path, my view and my vision of the future.

 I've been working on my music for years without any real direction. It's been one of the most frustrating, emotionally draining, mentally exhausting things to deal with. But I've finally figured out why I've been chasing my proverbial tail... I've been allowing my ego to dictate my actions. I've allowed ego to masquerade as intellect, forcing intelligence to become a type of overly analytical anxiety. In short, I forgot myself, I forgot my place in the universe, I forgot my purpose as a vessel for creation and knowledge to pass through. Now, I have a team behind me and supporters in the wings waiting to see when it all pops off. Now I have a direction, a goal, and a plan to reach it. But, I also have room to grow, and room to expand and adapt my plan as needed to the shifting environment that is America. 

In recent meditations, I've discovered what my vices are and started to slowly mediate them. Procrastination is probably the worst of them all as it feeds into my OCD and fear of succeeding. I admittedly fear success because of the changes that come along with it. Not the obvious ones, but the subtle changes one fails to notice until they have already taken place. And perhaps there is even a fear of the way success will change my family dynamics as well. But now that I am aware of these things, and the ways in which I've distracted myself from dealing with them, I can effectively heal some old wounds that have been blocking my progression. I can face the very things that have been hindering my full potential as an artist, and more importantly as a person. 

Recent events in our seemingly divided country have impacted my meditations and given me an understanding as to what my future as an artist may hold. I have a responsibility as a musician to connect with my audience. I also have a responsibility as a black man in America to breach the hearts and minds of others, not to end racism... but to fully educate those that are either (willingly or unwillingly) blind to it on the truths, dangers and impacts of the various types of racism that plagues the black American in today's society.

​SHOW U OFF: the Remixes

JULY 22, 2017 Exclusively on ReverbNation - In conjunction with my live performance, the moment I hit the stage... 3 Remixes of SHOW U OFF will be available for download and streaming exclusively on my ReverbNation page before it is available on SoundCloud, iTunes, Amazon and Spotify!!

 CJ joins MUSICAL.LY and FUNIMATE!!

I recently hit up these new apps to connect with more fans! I'm still getting the hang of them, but look for some posts very soon across my social media accounts!!

​BLACK IN AMERICA: After the Verdict - the Philander Castile case -

​I have intentionally avoided blogging about anything racial, religious or political, because I believe music is meant to heal. Music is meant to bring us together, not drive us further apart... and since I'm am a musician first and everything else second, and this is my blog primarily to chronicle my musical career and adventures... well its obvious to see why I've shied away from such topics. But being a black man in America just got a little harder and a whole lot more discouraging. If you've been sleeping under a rock or you're one of those people blind to the fact that racism still exists on multiple levels in this country, then you might have missed the significance of the officers acquittal in the Philando Castile manslaughter case. Outside of the obvious (a law-abiding citizen loses his life senselessly while complying with law enforcement), what makes this worse is the injustice of the officer being charged with manslaughter instead of first degree murder. I'm sure you have all seen the videos either in news footage or from the original Facebook Live post from his girlfriend present at the scene, so I'll spare you and myself the rehashing of the gory details. The videos show clearly what happened, yet a jury of Mr. Castille's "peers" did not see enough evidence to find the officer guilty of any wrongdoing. Someone lost their life, yet the officer was acquitted of all charges. There is something wrong with that statement. The system is clearly broken and I implore you all to find out just how broken it is, and how long it has been this way. Here is a lecture by John Bracey from a few years back that a friend recently shared with me through Facebook...

​Now, growing up poor in inner city America, I was taught (like any other black kid in my generation and the ones before with halfway decent parents...) that in order to succeed I have to be twice as smart, twice as good and work twice as hard. What my parents meant by that, what is implied to all black Americans is that we have to be at least twice as good as any white person to get the same things as that person in life. Black people are conveniently both persons and product within the framework of American society. And as we all know (or should know to some degree), product is expendable. So, does that mean my life is expendable at the hands of law enforcement?!? If so, where is my motivation to be a good person, to take pride in my country, to treat my fellow American as my brother? Take note of the fact that I have to think... every time I decide to get in my car and leave my house... is today the day that someone kills me? I've become numb to most subtle racisms because I'm from the South. But now, I don't wonder if I'll be called the N word or something else. I don't wonder if I'll be passed over for a job promotion, or skipped in line at the restaurant or bar. I don't even wonder anymore if I'm going to get a ticket at a traffic stop due to racial profiling. No... now I wonder if I'm going to die at the hands of a police officer today... because I live in the suburbs, look like a rapper (apparently), and listen to loud music. Now I wonder if my daughter will have to see her daddy shot down and laying lifeless in front of her while she's strapped tightly in her car seat. 

Until next time... 

 - CJ -

[carlacachu]

Public Service

I am an English teacher. When I was about to leave my third job after working with them for 10 months, I was asked by my supervisor as to what are my plans. And although the academic year gave me its gifts of bright and happy days, I also had its fair share of tearful ones. Picture this, the school year began in June and I was already drafting my resignation letter as early as July; nearly a few weeks after I was hired.

You see my immediate supervisor, made me feel bad for all of my achievements and under-achievements. She would always question my abilities and think out loud on whether I could do things and how she doubt on whether I truly could. I started being sickly the month after. My attendance was badly affected by the fact that I did not want to show up to work anymore. It was either I was ill or I woke up late because I slept late for crying. In other words, the statements 'You're not good enough' made me feel awful to the point of postponing wedding plans, weekend getaways, weekday dates, and even holiday arrangements.

Hence, to answer her question (posted on paragraph 1), succumbing to the idea that I want to give her a more decent answer than, “I don’t really know”, I told her I plan on applying for a government teaching post since senior high school employment in the public sector has gained its fair share of attention. Still unimpressed, she gave me a look which translates to, “WHAT?” and told me that government teachers are rather lazy and are under a rotten system. She even cited an event in her friend’s life who pursued government teaching and was grossed out by the system that was in which drove her to quit in less than a year.

I ignored what she said yet I kept that story in mind. I thought, if that odd happening really occurs in DepEd, then I guess I will just have to do my best to go beyond the challenging side of this new endeavor. I thought I want to bring about change in this world; or at least in the world of DepEd.

Several months later, I was finally hired by the DepEd and true enough, there are things that raise an eyebrow. I also have colleagues whose mindsets are rather selfish than selfless. You see, public school teaching requires more than just the labor we can give; it requires all of us to go beyond our limits, the teach and reteach, and all the out-of-our-comfort-zone issues. And so I understand that some are just unwilling to go out there and there are some, like myself, who are... just willing.

Early this week, I attended a training for all of us senior high school teachers, given by the DepEd office in our division. I even had the chance to work with my brother and some newly found friends. It was a lot of fun but also required hard work. And just as every session went, I felt more burden was given, challenging us teachers to better our craft; that we might be thinking we're doing enough but actually not. I loved it. All the more, I get the answers I was trying to look for - "Do I really belong to a rotten system with teachers under?", "Am I going to be here forever?". Yes, to forever in public service and no to the rotten system. It isn't rotten in any way. In fact, it is perfect; seamless - or at least it is perfect at trying.

Just a few weeks from now, us teachers will be sent again to an 18-day training in Batangas (a distant province) for specialization training. Just a week after that, a 14-day training awaits for Grade 12 preparations.

See, I don't think SHS teachers in the public sector are lazy and rotten. I think we're ugly stones slowly turning into diamonds, helped by the government to be best in what we do at their expense. I also take pride that compared to other schools who claim 'preparedness', I think the DepEd is more prepared than they are since it is our office which mandated that students attend SHS and finish its curriculum.

There were a lot of loopholes at the beginning. But all these loopholes meet excellent answers given in week-long training. So to my former boss, I say what is rotting, is your mindset. You need a paradigm shift and start thinking of others better than yourself.

[viralhottopics]

iPhone at 10: The gadget that changed everything

The original Apple iPhone

Image: Associated Press

When something is as ubiquitous as the iPhone, it can be hard to remember what life was like without it.

Apples iPhone, which was introduced 10 years ago today at MacWorld by Apple co-founder and CEO Steve Jobs, is more than a device or expert integration of components, software and design. Its a cultural object with influence thats still being felt far and wide.

I wasnt present at the unveiling. At the time, I worked for PCMag.com and, though we covered Apple and its products, we didnt always attend MacWorld (back then, Macs held just a fraction of the then critical desktop market). We were aware that Apple had smartphone ambitions, but they were entering a market dominated by BlackBerry, Palm, Microsoft and Nokia (for less-smart feature phones).

Even so, by 2007, Steve Jobs had already proven he could disrupt and transform a market. Apples iPod hijacked the music player industry (and maybe the music industry, too) and laid the groundwork for every pocket-sized device to come, including, of course, the iPhone.

Before the iPhone, there were touchscreen communication devices, but virtually all of them had physical keyboards. Screens were fine for the occasional taps and menu selections, but the real work got done on tiny, plastic keys. Even gaming needed physical controls. To play Breakout on my old Blackberry Bold, I used the tiny trackball. If I wanted to draw on a touchscreen, as I sometimes did on my old Palm Trio 700p, I used a stylus.

The first iPhone wasnt an assured homerun:

It was expensive: $499 to $599.

It was available on just one carrier: AT&T.

It had no keyboard.

Apple had no phone experience at all.

Apple didnt own the “iPhone” name. It was a pithy product name coined by Infogear in 1998. By 2007 Cisco owned the brand name. First Cisco sued, but settled before the iPhone shipped.

The great unknown

What the iPhone had going for it in those early days was a mystique. Steve Jobs unveiled the device, demonstrating it on stage in January of 2007, but it would be months before the iPhone went on sale. By June of that year, the unseen, untested, illusive iPhone was the most talked about gadget in the world. (Few will remember that AppleTV made its debut at that same January 2007 event, and it took years for it to have even a margin of the iPhones impact.)

SEE ALSO: iPhone 8, AI and Trump: Welcome to Apple in 2017

Just prior to shipping the first iPhones in July, Jobs handed them to a handful of lucky journalists (not this one). The mania surrounding these men and the gadgets they had sworn to keep hidden from view was such that when I did spot one reporter whom I knew had one, I all but tackled him and wrestled it out of his hands (in reality, USA Todays Ed Baig handed it to me with zero fuss or fanfare).

I wrote an entire hands-on story based on my 10 minutes with the first iPhone. It was such an important story that we squeezed it into an issue of PC Magazine that was just days from hitting the newsstands.

What I remember about that day is that when I finally touched the iPhone, the earth seemed to move. This was the rare consumer electronics devices that lived up to my expectations (and the promises of its maker). It was beautiful, responsive, intuitive, and smarter than any smartphone I had ever touched. Yes, I stumbled badly with the virtual keyboard, but even then, I knew that was my problem and not the iPhones.

I also knew that nothing in the smartphone universe would ever be the same.

The iPhone was a shot through the heart of BlackBerry, Nokia and Microsoft. None of their smartphone fortunes would ever truly recover. They had their chances, but BlackBerry misunderstood the difference between a button and a touch screen and delivered the abysmal Storm, a touchscreen that worked like a giant button. Microsoft sat on its hands for years and then delivered bad ideas like the dead-on-arrival Kin. Nokia, a company that prided itself on unusual and innovative designs, essentially threw up its hands.

Steam roller

The iPhone also turned into a category killer.

The first iPhone had just one 3.2-megapixel camera, but by 2010, it had two, including a 5-megapixel camera capable of 720p video recording. Almost from the start, consumers used the iPhone camera, especially since the rise of the iPhone coincided with that of mobile social media. Eventually people started to leave their point-and-shoot cameras at home and share far more images than they ever did with those digital, but largely disconnected, devices.

The first iPhone had an iPod inside it, essentially torpedoing the iPod momentum (Apple had already sold millions of them). Even an all-screen iPod could not stop what became a steady decline. Apple doesnt even hold iPod launch events anymore.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs plays a Beatles Song on iTunes as he introduces the new iPhone at the MacWorld in San Francisco, Jan. 9, 2007.

Image: ASSOCIATED PRESS

Two years before the launch of the iPhone, I gave a talk about mobile phone gaming and showed the audience a motorcycle racing game running on an old Samsung feature phone. It was one of the first phones to feature haptic technology, so the phone vibrated with the game. The screen was tiny and the sound tinny, but it was a big hit. People clearly wanted to play games on their mobile phones. With its large screen, myriad sensors and, for the time, larger speaker, few smartphones at the time were more perfectly built for mobile gaming than the iPhone.

Yes, I know, the iPhone did not arrive with its own app store. That happened in March of the following year, but can anyone really remember a time when we werent downloading apps and playing games on our iPhones?

Handheld gaming devices have seen a vinyl-record-like revival in recent years, but theres no question that the growth of the iPhone coincided with the fall of handheld-gaming leader Nintendo, which tried to lure gamers back with gimmicks like the 3DS.

Ups and downs

It hasnt all been smooth sailing for the iPhone.

It took almost four years for Apple to expand beyond a single carrier, leaving the door open for Google and Android. To this day, there are more Android devices than iPhones in use around the world.

Apples first major iPhone redesign, which switched out most of the curves for edges and exposed antennas, led to one of the iPhones biggest controversies: Antenna Gate, a classic line from Steve Jobs (Youre holding it wrong) and Apple’s rare and begrudging apology.

Steve Jobs died on Oct. 5, 2011, just days after Apple unveiled the iPhone 4S. Rarely has the leader of a company and our perception of him been so intertwined with a product. It was, at the time, hard to imagine how Apple would innovate on its core product without him (that remains a fair question to this day).

iPhone Part II

There is no way to compress a decades worth of innovation, impressive sales (1 billion iPhone sold) and cultural change into one story. The iPhone changed our perception of mobile gadgets and, through innovation and countless apps, our lives.

Apples iPhone did not have to be the product to do this. Someone else could have made a game-changing smartphone, but they didnt. Maybe its because they didnt have Steve Jobs or perhaps they didnt have the vision to see how all these disparate parts would make a beautiful whole.

Today, virtually every new smartphone on the market is either a pale imitation of the iPhone or owes its success to the iPhones influence on smartphone design.

Apple iPhones next 10 years will almost certainly not be like its first 10. The company is now more apt to follow (and improve upon) than lead and its attention is increasingly turning to lucrative services built on the back of the still popular mobile handset.

The iPhones best days may be behind it. Or maybe not.

Tim Cook could pull on some faded jeans, lace up a pair of white New Balance sneakers, slip into a black mock turtle neck, walk out on stage this September and reinvent the smartphone category all over again. It could happen.

BONUS: Everything we think we know about the new iPhone

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from iPhone at 10: The gadget that changed everything