#i tell my therapist about this a lot when we talk about the world 😅

[citrlet]

[polyamorousmood]

How do you deal with insecurity in a polyam relationship?

I've been in a poly V before, with my girlfriend at the time, and her other partner; but I honestly wasn't really invested in the relationship so I wasn't bothered.

I feel like,, if I have a partner and we either a) accept another and form a triad or b) I end up with a metamour again, I would end up worrying that my parner(s) would leave me to simply be together.

(For context, I have AvPD so like... abandonment is a complex of mine and I'm working on it but I'm still so insecure a lot of the time.)

So.. yeah. I've seen you address jealousy/envy, and I know I'd probably deal with a bit of that (in the sense that 'oh, b gets to spend time with c while I'm at work, I'm envious' kind of way) but I know that insecurity would be the thing that would bother me the most

Polysecure by Jessica Fern is generally considered a holy text 🛐of polyamory and this exact question in particular. I haven't read it personally (yet. Its on my list my list is just long 😅) So if you haven't given that a go yet, everyone I know who has read it, has recommended at least sections of it. I know it talks about attachment styles and how to handle those, which might be helpful if you have avoidant personality disorder.

The other thing, of course, is consider bringing this up with a therapist, because I am not one. And this seems like a touchy enough topic that everything I say here is pulled from my experience and should be taken as "ideas to think about🤔" and not "clinical advise that will Fix It🪄" As per usual, LOTS to go over here. So. read more.

P.S. after typing up everything, I realized this post I wrote to help a supportive partner address insecurity might also be helpful for you, and even has a worksheet! Its probably better formatted too. So.. maybe I wasted my typing here 😓. C'est la vie.

Firstly, you never said you identify as polyamorous. So if you're not... you could just date monogamously 🤷 as much as I love 💟polyamory and would like it if the whole world loved it too, if that's gonna be too big a thing for you, there's no reason you have to bother at all.

If you are going to date polyamorously for whatever reason, BEFORE you introduce another person to the mix, have a regular, set time you and your partner spend apart. It sounds counter-intuitive, but maintaining your own social life and identity outside your partner is huge. Do this especially when you're super invested and want to spend every second with your partner. That's honestly true whether you're poly or not, but in this specific case. I think a lot of the fear is bolstered by the idea that without you there, your partner is just spending that time loving the other person. And maybe they'd like to do that more blah blah blah. But this proves that's not the case: when you're not there, you partner is getting drinks with the girls, or building model ships, or any other numerous things they like independent of you. And it also means you're not just pining over your partner when you're gone, you have other shit to do too. And you'll come to look forward to your two hours a week at the coffee shop (or whatever). You will learn reasonable time apart does not equal less romantic interest.

And then, on the flip side of that, set regular protected time with your partner. Not to say never ever will something come up that interrupts that. Emergencies arise🚨, or the time may have to be renegotiated later, etc etc. But having the confidence that no matter what, you'll have a movie date every week, or that Tuesday night is Romance Night, or whatever you decide on, can make it easier. It can help prevent you feeling taken for granted, and can naturally curb NRE with other people if that starts getting unruly. If your partner starts wanting to cut into this time for not-important-shit, tell them you're not okay with that, or -- and only if truly it feels okay to you -- at least get them to make the time up the next day. And you, of course, need to treat it as special too. Make the time important, fulfilling, and intimate. It can be any activity, as long as its bonding time -- quality time, in the truest sense of the word.

Take time to get to know yourself, and share it with your partner. What do you consider to be sacred between you and your partner? Are you okay with your meta and your partner having sacred things -- what type of things? Do you feel better knowing the details of your partner's other relationships, or will that make you more jealous? (I like knowing more, because the thought of my partner having this secret life without me makes me more insecure, but other people are very reasonably of the opinion that hearing that their partner had so much fun without them is a bummer.) How much about you are you okay with your partner dilvulging to your meta(s)? Go through this on as many things as you can think of. Now, what you're comfortable with is not the only factor here; you and your partner will probably both have to make some concessions to reach something workable, but I've found that process, with a good partner, to be more securing in and of itself. You both are working together towards a common understanding. Its generally good practice to avoid hard-and-fast rules here, when possible. For example, "I'm only okay with you dating others if you're home by 11🕚 every night" makes some sense, but if taken literally means if your partner gets a flat on the way home, or has to deal with your meta's mental breakdown, or even just wants to see a movie that won't finish until 11:05 -- that's a betrayal. Perhaps even just asking for a one-time allowance is a betrayal. Instead, work for understandings or guidelines. Maybe the similar understanding in this example is "its hard for me to sleep alone, so I'd like you to generally be home by 11:00, and notify me as soon as possible if that's not going to happen" and then when they bring up wanting to stay out late one night for something, you can ask if its possible for them to do it on a night you don't have to work in the morning (maybe they can, maybe they can't, the point here is that its a dialogue, see below). There will be some trial and error here, so be prepared for that and stick it out.

Don't take every problem as a sign things are doomed, or your partner is divesting, or your partner isn't worth your investment. There will be times when someone is actually abusive, or there will be irreconcilable differences. I'm not talking about those. I'm talking about "My partner is late for the second time this week, they're pulling away from me, this is the beginning of the end"-type shit. No it ain't. A good exercise for this is to explicitly outline your worst-case scenario💣, followed by a best case-scenario🌈, and then a few most likely cases⬜. So from our example above, worst case is that they're pulling away (so you have to pull away faster so you "win" and avoid pain), best case-scenario is that they're late because they're buying you a gift on their way home, and most likely scenario is that traffic's worse than they planned or they ran into someone at the gas station and stopped to talk for a bit or whatever.

Figure out how to self-soothe. Make a stache of nice things your partner has done for you that you can check on your own to remind yourself you're important to them. Reframe some of your jealous worries. Remind yourself of things you're looking forward to with your partner. Make a vent journal. Whatever clicks to you.

And as always, 🗣️talk to your partner. Productively talk to your partner.🗣️ Talk to your partner as much as possible about how things make you feel, and make sure they're doing the same. I talk more about how to talk through problems here, and its worth the read imho (even though its equally long). But for now, know that forming this habit on its own is functionally indistinguishable from being securely attached. As long as the communication is you and your partner vs the problem (and not, for example, your insecurity vs your partner's willingness to compromise), this will be good for the relationship, and you will feel better for doing it. But to form that habit, you have to do it with everything, not just Big Problems. You have to tell your partner sincerely how much you appreciate stuff they're getting right, you have to tell them about small problems that you can handle on your own, you have to tell them about things you're not sure how you feel about yet.

[obeymematches]

Hello! Are you taking matchup requests? If yes, I'd like to send one in for Obey Me. I'd like a pina colada please

I'll go by ⭐. My pronouns are she/her and I'm demisexual

Appearance: I am South Asian with long wavy black hair. Usually tie my hair in a half ponytail at the back because I like how it looks and I don't really like the feeling of hair on my shoulders. I am 165 cm tall and reasonably fit

Personality: I'm calm, collected and hardworking. I can be a bit aloof and arrogant sometimes, but I make sure it doesn't get out of hand. I am curious and perfectionistic, and I'm also pretty academically smart (though I sometimes struggle with impostor syndrome lol). The gifted kid burnout syndrome is catching up, though. People say I do have a bit of a cold facade, but once they get to know me, they say I'm much warmer and gentler than they initially thought. I care deeply for my friends and my family, so I'll do whatever I can for them. I do face a lot of pressures too from having to be the perfect oldest daughter, the therapist friend (despite psychology not being my major, more of a special interest) and from having to do well in school (as much as I enjoy engineering, it is kicking my ass low-key). It may not look like it, but I'm very much a romantic, but I'm more practical about it if that makes any sense 😅😅

I often bake my closest friends and family a cake on their birthday with a silly message written on it. I also has a soft spot (special interest) for outer space and love to stargaze wherever the skies are clear. Don't know if this is important, but I do make some pretty mean South Asian food if I do say so myself

Likes: Books, herbal tea, art, lofi hip-hop, video games, anime, drawing, spicy food, affogato, outer space

Dislikes: Incompetence, unnecessary conflicts, bullies, fake friends dishonesty, cruelty, dog-eared book pages, anyone who dares threaten my family, loud noises, itchy fabrics

oh! we've done an exchange not too long ago.

I've decided to match you with Solomon.

• Your academia vibes definitely match his; don’t get me wrong, although he is a master of many things, unfortunately he isn’t a fashion icon (yet?) but he thinks academia style looks elegant / cute depending on the day. • It just means that he is attracted to you at first sight. Which is always a good start, even if you don’t elope into a long talk the very first time you meet. • (Bet she looking 🔥 when she feels comfortable and cute!) • To be fair he isn’t here to make friends with humans; he was fine neglecting the human world for several decades. He isn’t going to care more, now that another human is here…. but curiosity got the best of him and eventually he made sure to meet you before classes. (No. He didn’t attend that class.) • After your quick chat it became a weekly habit of his, to meet you there and then, start some kind of conversation (you’d think he was awkward and you’d be very wrong. Listen he communicates and manipluates his ways into forming a pact with almost every person there.) • It only starts getting awkward when he starts to like your personality for real real. For example this week he arrived 5 mins earlier and was waiting for you. • After a while you two found yourselves in front of your class’s door 20 minutes (!) before it would begin. Huh. • He liked your cold facade ngl, he likes a challenge. However, his ice cold frozen heart slowly, very slowly starts to melt as you warm up to him more and more. • He learned that you are reliable and trustworthy, which he very much appreciates. It lowkey made him want to get closer to you, I mean spiritually. Please help him with this or that, let me show you something, you must see this, etc. • This went on for months, you were truly good friends when he asked you the question you were excited to hear; Would you date me? Shall we go on a date? • Of course he jokes about it being a human thing and at first you can’t tell if hes just being funny or he is serious…. • By now he figured out that you like romantic stuff so if you agree to date him he is going to make the first date romantic just to please you! Possibly stargazing as you like that, or maybe a museum if you are not comfortable with meeting at night. • He secretly craved for a long time to have this level of intimacy with someone and so he’d make sure to please you; whatever you r love language is he does it to make you feel loved and secure! • The fact that you can and will cook is going to be life saving in the long run! • Some downsides of this relationship include him making dog ears to some of the books, he is always up to no good, very known public image so it’s hard to go out in public without anyone stopping you two (in the devildom, the human realm is safe).

My second option for you was Barbatos, honestly the only downside of that relationship is that neither of you is going to start and try to have a good conversation…. so it’s a rocky beginning, but if you get past that phase somehow, it’s going to be pretty solid if I do say so myself.

[downinthedevildom]

Hello! Are you taking matchup requests? If yes, I'd like to send one in for Obey Me

I'll go by ⭐. My pronouns are she/her and I'm demisexual

Appearance: I am South Asian with long wavy black hair. Usually tie my hair in a half ponytail at the back because I like how it looks and I don't really like the feeling of hair on my shoulders. I am 165 cm tall and reasonably fit

Personality: I'm calm, collected and hardworking. I can be a bit aloof and arrogant sometimes, but I make sure it doesn't get out of hand. I am curious and perfectionistic, and I'm also pretty academically smart (though I sometimes struggle with impostor syndrome lol). The gifted kid burnout syndrome is catching up, though. People say I do have a bit of a cold facade, but once they get to know me, they say I'm much warmer and gentler than they initially thought. I care deeply for my friends and my family, so I'll do whatever I can for them. I do face a lot of pressures too from having to be the perfect oldest daughter, the therapist friend (despite psychology not being my major, more of a special interest) and from having to do well in school (as much as I enjoy engineering, it is kicking my ass low-key). It may not look like it, but I'm very much a romantic, but I'm more practical about it, if that makes any sense 😅😅

I often bake my closest friends and family a cake on their birthday with a silly message written on it. I also has a soft spot (special interest) for outer space and love to stargaze wherever the skies are clear. Don't know if this is important, but I do make some pretty mean South Asian food, if I do say so myself. My younger sister says that my Ras Malay especially slaps

Likes: Books, herbal tea, art, lofi hip-hop, video games, anime, drawing, spicy food, affogato, outer space, cats (tho I really like all animals)

Dislikes: Incompetence, unnecessary conflicts, bullies, fake friends dishonesty, cruelty, dog-eared book pages, anyone who dares threaten my family, loud noises, itchy fabrics, insects

Sorry this took a little while Nonnie⭐! Life got a little busy but here I am here to match you with!!!! *obnoxious drumroll* 

Belphagor! 

(Matched by Anon Angel 💜)

So, where to start? I think you and Belphie would get along well. The chill vibes with the Lofi- and the stars? Absolutely. Both of you would find time to relax in the conservatory behind the music room when life in the Devildom got a little too hectic, and well even together that wouldn't change. (bonus points for it being behind the music room so you can play some soft background music for mucho relaxed vibes)  

Though you would probably get along super well with all the brothers, I think you would find your time around Belphie to be more grounding than the others' chaotic shenanigans. He would listen to you talk about the stars of the human world, (though it may lull him to sleep, not because he is bored but because your voice and presence are comforting and pleasant.) Or, he could even tell you the differences between your human stars and the endless night sky of the devildom.

Sure, he sleeps through most lessons and will dig at you for being such a straight-shooter student, but he will probably ask you for your notes over Satan or his other brothers. Partly because they are easy to understand and partly because it gives him more time to spend with you.

this really has little to do with the match but more bonus points so I'm going to add it here, you will never find any itchy fabrics anywhere around this boy, we all know he is the king of comfort! Only soft and pleasant fabrics here! Be that clothes, blankets or pillows he's got them all and if it means making you happy he would even share his favourite pillow with you. (though you may become his personal body pillow if you choose to nap with him.

I think Belphie would be there to help you break out of the mindset that you have to be the perfect, daughter, friend or student reminding you it's more than okay to just be yourself, take a break and let yourself mentally and emotionally recharge. He may be the youngest brother but he was still an older brother to Lilith after all, he can at least understand your burning desire to protect those you love and would be by your side to help you do so.

Honerable Mention : Barbatos 

After talking over your ask for a while, Calla 💚and I agreed that the best butler in all of the Devildom would be a good match for you before deciding Belphie would be your main match so we made Barb your second choice/HM. Tea lovers? Check! We all know this man makes the best tea in all three realms. Not only that, he would also be calm and composed and help to keep you calm in return. He has his own elusive personality after all and it doesn't mean he's cold or heartless. Find yourself wandering off to the castle for some downtime from the chaos and just chill with Barb with some nice tea and a good, coherent conversation. 

Hope you approve of the match dear!! Have a lovely day! MUAH! <£

[sonneillonv]

and chrissie surely didn't tell him the real reason why she needed it. she probably told him she's stressed because of finals after springbreak so he didn't know the extent of her situation. he wouldn't have given it to her if he thought it could harm her. love your additions.

Thank you, Anon 💜

And no, she definitely didn't tell him the real reason or he wouldn't have been quite as shocked when Vecna's attack first started. 😅 She might have told him she's having really bad dreams, or maybe that she's been so anxious with a sense of impending doom that she can't focus on anything else. Maybe just that she 'feels scared all the time'. But my overall guess would be that he would have thought her problem was anxiety and/or depression, and Ketamine is actually very effective for treating depression!

A Ketamine high is characterized by disassociation and euphoria, which may be why Eddie thought it might help her - not only by lifting her mood, but also by giving her some distance from whatever was causing her such anxiety in her life so she could relax. A low dose, taken once, would have been really truly unlikely to cause her any harm or give her a bad experience, so the people saying that Eddie didn't give a shit about her safety are way off-base. As party drugs go, he picked a very safe one for her, and one that may actually have been able to help her had her problem NOT been, y'know, supernatural.

Mental health stigma being what it was in the 80's, I strongly doubt she would have gone into too much detail. But one of the things I love about Hellcheer, and that makes me love Eddie, is that after talking to him for literally five minutes Chrissy felt like she could trust him to help her without judging her. And I've said many times, and will continue to say, that I think Eddie being 'the local weed-and-occasional-pill-guy' and Eddie being a DM are actually two sides of the same moral precept for him, which is this: When your life is shit, escape is a kindness.

An escape can be a couple hours in a fantasy role-playing game where the goals are concrete and you can actually win. Or an escape can be a couple hours of a euphoric trip. An escape can be the stage high you get off playing heavy metal for an enthusiastic audience of five drunks. Eddie's whole character is built around the idea of 'escape' which is, incidentally, why his cowardice makes perfect sense - he runs from problems, he helps other people run from problems. The system has never helped him, so he works outside it. He sees someone like Chrissy, with the walls closing in around her, and he opens a window for her the only way he knows how. It's not greed or negligence, it's mercy.

Is it the absolute bestest, most ideal way for Chrissy to address her problems? Of course not. In a perfect world, her whole family would be in (free, competent, compassionate) therapy - and it's worth noting here that Chrissy DID try that. She was talking to a therapist, but I doubt the guidance counselor was licensed to prescribe and even if she was, that would have meant getting Chrissy's parents involved. Actually, it may even have been her recommendation that Chrissy see a doctor licensed to prescribe antidepressants that drove Chrissy to Eddie in the first place - if she knew she needed chemical help, but she couldn't tell her parents, that leaves her one obvious option.

What a lot of people in this fandom don't seem to realize is that we do not live in a perfect world. If you actually care about helping people and reducing the harm they suffer from their circumstances, you have to meet them where they are, and where they are is usually messy and imperfect and problematic and less-than-ideal. You have to square with the fact that people still deserve help when they make choices you don't like. If you judge them for using the only safe resources they had (or in Eddie's case, for offering the only safe resources people had), you're actually doing the opposite of good - you're contributing to a stigma that drives people away from seeking help through legal channels.

[shiningmystic]

Hello loves,

Been trying to think of a general reading to start and nothings really coming to me so I’m gonna just write a post for now.

Hi how are you? That might be an easy question for a lot of you. Many things are going on in the world right now but all we can agree we have reached heavy times. Even the people who aren’t in it know it’s happening as markets crash and cost of living continues to be difficult to manage.

We always make it through and that is what will happen this time and every difficult situation, that’s how it’s always been.

Therapy has been going well for me as well but my thoughts and apprehensive parts always think my therapist is judging me whenever I start rambling on about something that happened in my life I get this thought that hones in on the little anxiety voice tell me to stop talking. Parts of me get really activated when it comes to being social and talking about myself which is why I haven’t really reached out to many on this platform or any platform really. My anxiety holds me back from many many things but I’m glad I can atleast type some stuff out sometimes.

Other days writing my thoughts can be scary and overwhelming. I’ve been through a lot and I keep expecting myself to just shake it off because people have went through worse so I should be fine, right?

Never compare your pain, it only leads to more anger and more pain; that’s what I experience whenever I look at my life and think I’m privileged and too lucky to be sad or not function like a normal adult when I’ve lost many people, have been betrayed by family and neglected enough to know that I’ve been through something significant but can’t accept that it has inhibited me and I keep ignoring it hoping I’ll be suddenly happier and healthier when it’s obviously not.

Just know even if you feel like you’re never doing enough, you’re not a machine and even if you are (lol) machines need maintenance too or they will break.

Keep checking in on yourself, I fucking suck at that. Gonna go do some mindfulness meditation 😅 see ya

[sowearecleariamhere]

For the university asks: 4, 7, 16, and 38!

I’d ask more but I think that would quickly get overwhelming, so here!

Ooooh my first ask! 🥰

4. What do you study?

Currently finishing up my bachelor's in korean studies; I started bc I was studying Korean on my own for funsies, and since I did not know what I wanted to do yet I decided to just go for it :)

7. What is your dream job?

I've been unsure for a long time about what career to pursue, but last spring I finally admitted to myself that I want to go into psychology, I want to help people in their journey to better their life and their relationship with themselves, so aiming for talk therapist/psychologist

I kinda blocked myself from allowing myself to think about taking this path, because imposter syndrome etc, but it just feels like the right fit

16. What is your weird academic niche?

Hmm not sure if I have one or if they are necessarily weird per se, but there are:

Demographics of South Korea and the generation shift that will happen because there will be a lot of elderly people dying in a few decades combined with very, very low fertility rate - currently writing a paper about that topic

Connected to that - the national pension system and old age poverty in south korea

The premodern korean language - I just find it really beautiful and interesting, especially since I love the language so seeing its roots is fascinating. I'm taking a course this semester about that exact topic, where we read annals of the joseon dynasty which lasted over 500 years up until the 20th century. The articles are written by historians at court, who recorded pretty much everything and were with the king at all times, plus - no one but the historians were allowed to read these records so the contents could not be influenced by those in power, so these annals tell us what actually happened (there is one instance where a king fell from his horse and, embarrassed, said to make sure the historian wouldnt write about his mishap 🤭 there are articles about the first elephant in Korea, or social reforms in the 15th century to aid pregnant slaves and reduce their workload and raise maternity leave) really interesting stuff, and these texts can all be accessed for free (in korean tho) which is pretty amazing :) they are also unesco world heritage so that's cool

That's all I can think of rn, but it got longer than I thought 😅

38. Best tips for making friends at uni?

Honestly I think I'm not the best person to ask,

But my input would be:

Try to befriend people you see regularly, it's not only easier because you see them more often, but because of the mere exposure effect you find people see often more likable, so I'd say being aware of that can help :) so...

Join societies or clubs etc - more hobby-specific, or for getting to know people who identify the same/similarly, have a similar background to you, so depending on what you look for :)

If you're more of an introvert like me, it can still pay off to be a bit more proactive than you might normally be. Like starting conversations first(more often), helping each other out at the start when everyone has many questions, etc (very short list but you know 🤷‍♀️ lota possibilities). I like to tell myself and pretend that I am more of an extrovert than I am to trick myself into being more socially proactive, that tends to help me. But don't overdo it with that, so that you don't befriend people that are muuuuch more extroverted than you and maybe not a good fit, making you feel like you need to compromise your needs. (Of course it can work out fine, but kinda experienced that a bit)

Also just try to be yourself even if you don't know yet who that is. Experiment with who you could be if you want to even! If not know when? Just be true to yourself ^^

Oh and also, some go into uni expecting to find their best friends there, being friends with them for life. In my experience you will meet lots of people that you will get to know on a shallow level, that you might vibe with well, but no deeper friendship forms. But that's also okay. And you might also learn what your boundaries are in a way didn't expect, in friendships and with yourself and what is good for you. So even if it turns out you aren't a good fit, or only a shallow friendship works for you that's also amazing. Acquaintances like that are important too imo and you can still learn a lot from all of it :))

I seriously need to learn to condense what I want to say xD

But there you have it ^^

Hope that's not too overwhelming of an answer; I don't know if you started uni already, but maybe there's something in the last part that helps 💕🌸🌱