#i think i just had a lot of shame around existing like i didnt enjoy my personality i didnt socialize well i wasnt pretty i had no real pass

[juniestar]

I feel like one of my friends is being weird with me but I’ve got no proof all I know is I asked her for another friend’s number (someone I haven’t spoken to in 4 yrs 😟) and she stopped texting me back and liking my posts. Which could be entirely incidental like it should just be entirely incidental but I am getting a weird vibe

[spearxwind]

been thinking a lot about my different oc worlds recently. ive said before ive got four, but technically it's five if you count extinction.

im gonna put all my thoughts under a readmore bc once again this got insanely long jkllkjjkf. i be rambling

most of my attention has definitely been going into challenger deep the past year (and will likely continue), recently i refurbished hollowridge as well and have had a lot of fun with it (even if i havent drawn much to show for it...)

the other two of the set of four i originally posted about are my agony drive and broken horizon settings. Broken horizon is more of a personal headworld where ive set my dragon ocs, but I have not really been successful with it in terms of like. worldbuilding and crafting a story for it, mostly because there are very few characters in it currently and i struggle with it. But it's the world where cercerion and my sona dima (as an oc) exist. i would love to actually do a better job with it sometime but it currently isnt a huge priority because ive been focused on the other two main ones (but again since its just a personal headworld it literally is just some place i like to mentally hang out and fly around in, im not super bothered by it being undeveloped.)

However we have the two troublemaker worlds now

the agony drive setting has been driving me more than a little nuts because of its whole situation with it. i absolutely adore the characters i have in it, but i have no idea what to do with the world itself. it used to be a joint project so i was extremely limited in the way i could develop it bc i depended on the other individual enjoying the ideas and i did my best to keep it afloat almost being the sole contributor to it, so now that its liberated i just didnt know what to do with it. i do like a bunch of the lore bits i came up with but some part of me is like 'idk if i enjoy this as a world' bc it still feels limited in some way? Another issue is that while hollowridge (previously my horror and slapstick gore setting with demons/angels/magic vibes) was dead in the water, i channeled that violence slapstick demon/magic vibe through TAD, but getting a focus back on hollowridge has kinda just. straight up deleted a bunch of TAD's reason to exist? i dont know if that makes sense

HR isnt really that much slapstick violence because death is final, and TAD is more cartoony in that sense bc death ISNT final which is its main reason to exist (unlimited violent major character death for the funnies), but theres a weird overlap that is keeping me from focusing correctly because it makes my brain go 'you are doing the same thing twice'

I would really really love to actually turn it into something fun and unique (separate from my other worlds) but i really havent been sure how to go about it because of that overlap. i genuinely think its just a problem of 'you have to actually develop the setting to have fun in it' and i just havent been able to do that yet bc i cant decide what i want it to BE. TAD has also never really had a lot of story to begin with so it makes things harder bc the story is the vehicle to explore the world with. its pretty frustrating bc midas set and david are some of my fav ocs ive made and i miss them but god dammit if it isnt hard to actually work with the whole thing....

and last but not least... the fifth one. extinction. a lot of you probably know this one from my comic. if youve been here since like... 2014-2015 (which would be insane) you might remember me beginning to develop that story until it eventually became the comic that is currently sitting unfinished and feels like a huge weight on my shoulders just out of sheer shame

the issue with extinction is that it was a lot of characters that i deeply loved (and still i still deeply love!!) all with fun plotlines, backstories, and a lot of fun tidbits to em that i ended up bending and breaking dozens of times just for the purpose of fitting them into a relatively short story that i could draw out and finish. and more importantly into something i hoped would be handleable instead of spiralling out of control like it had happened before

but what i didnt realize is that by doing so, i "locked" their lore in place into these very small boxes that would fit into a story, and thus i would remove what i had loved about those characters and their interactions that i had come up with years and years ago and a lot of my very very cool ideas for them simply went out the window in favor of .... well i dont. know. but off it went

i live in complete shame for not being able to finish the comic. it genuinely is a huge and extremely heavy weight on my shoulders and this whole thing has prevented me from even thinking of said ocs for years now even though they are some of my oldest and most beloved. saying all of this is not something i take lightly in the least as well

so recently I have been thinking about bringing them back as well... maybe (to the extent that i can... i have a lot of ocs and you guys know i have a lot of bias when drawing faves. so i cant guarantee content but at least i would be able to think about them again).

essentially the same way that i rewrote and got back my old concepts for hollowridge that slapped hard i want to get back my original ideas for extinction that i thought were really cool and just wasnt able to fit into a comic narrative

obviously this would come with a lot of retconning and i know a lot of people will probably not like it if i do it and i think thats something i have to face and learn to live with

but yeah anyways. TLDR is i really want to actually do something proper for TAD but have been having a lot of trouble with it unfortunately, but im working on it. and ive also been feeling rly nostalgic about extinction so you might see the characters again, albeit different in terms of story from what you probably know

[spacedlexi]

have you watched tlou? thoughts?

ive made a few posts about it if u search tlou on my blog but i never made a final thoughts or anything

this kinda turned into a final thoughts ramble (essay) so under the cut it goes

honestly it kinda peaked for me at ep 3 (which was a REALLY good ep so the bar was high and i was mostly enjoying the changes up through that point),, i still liked it but i feel like some of the changes they made altered the impact of the og ellie/joel relationship. theyre dedicated to rewriting ellie to have some "violence" problem to attempt to set her up better for part 2 but i just hate that they actively have chosen to do this to her character. they took a lot of her sweetness away which is a huge shame to me. theyre so weird about ellie honestly i dont like the way they talk about her half the time these days i had to stop watching the bts because the way they kept talking about "violence" made me ill sick even. like you can still have your character have a "descent into madness" type plot after experiencing an extremely traumatic event (after a lifetime of traumatic experiences) without being weird about how "violent" people are. they love to throw that word around but they dont like to investigate Why exactly people are being violent and to Who. its typically just violence and/or revenge=bad 😐 (<-and that i think kinda leads into other problems i have with the plots they write in general)

i had less problems with joel. my only real problem was that they really played up the old thing a little much like save it for part 2 lol also not enough accent i didnt hear a single "elleh". i wasnt a fan of how they decided to change joel and tommys convo about ellie, and while i can appreciate it more now knowing that they still committed to portraying joels actions in the final episode as the selfish acts they are, and seeing joel have fears of failure makes sense because im sure he feels he failed as a parent, im still not a fan of how maria doesnt get to chew him out for his selfishness (important character moment of reflection on selfish behavior and consequences of actions on people around him), and how it changes the atmosphere of his and ellies argument when half of the reason he doesnt want to take her is because he feels too old and slow to protect her. and Then when he Does decide to take her its like? werent you crying last night about being slow and deaf and the impact that has on your combat ability? did that change? i understand why they added the lines they added but i dont feel like it made sense with how they continued to play out the episode with line for line scenes from the game...like these are two different things now. similar, but different enough to introduce problems where there didnt used to be. and then hes stabbed and dying 10 mins later

the pacing in general was a little iffy to me. it was only 9 episodes and 2 of them are separate from the main plot. that, plus rewriting existing characters/plots, plus not being able to fit in the more softer personal moments between joel and ellie that would just happen throughout a map(i know its hard to make watching 2 people walk cross country interesting but we needed more of those moments), plus ellie being preemptively hardened so we see less of her soft side slowly cracking through joels tough shell really impacted the believability of their relationship for me. we're supposed to see ellie become more hardened over the game but honestly in the show she always feels at the same level to me :/ those soft moments Are still there but i wouldve liked to have seen more of them. especially felt the loss of the scene where ellie sees real fireflies for the first time

the reason why i love the original last of us so much is because i think it is an INCREDIBLE character piece. every single character plays a very important role in shaping the development of the main two protagonists relationship (the two of which are Also impacting each other) over the course of the story. while i loved bill and franks ep, i wish they would have introduced a new character to fill the role that og bill left. because og bill was very important for joel. he was like a ghost of christmas future showing the man he could become if he continued to push people away. and throughout bills segment joel frequently pushes back against his ideas and this usually lent to a little bonding moment between him and ellie. but this also showed us that joel was open to new connections. whether he would get over his fear of that or not to be solved at a later date (ie: the tommy incident that was altered for the show and my problem with it because joels choice to take ellie after their argument is EVERYTHING and the show muddied it a bit). but by the time they leave bill, joel and ellie have begun building a true connection

sam and henry also suffered from this imo. by writing in all the kathleen stuff, it takes the focus away from how sam and henrys familial relationship is the foundation from which joel and ellies closer familial bond is allowed to grow (which also becomes a source of division when ellie wants to talk about what happened to them but joel wants to move on, which leads into their conflict during tommys section which boils down to more "talk about it vs move on"). i also feel like the story is weaker for choosing not to include the story of kyle and ish. because although it happens mainly through notes, its a story about letting yourself learn to trust new people and the things you can do with a strong community, its a story about how even though good things may come to an end, the time we had together was important and meaningful and WORTH IT and i wouldnt have done it any other way. id much rather focus more in on that as a theme (compounds with the riley/left behind segment/plus joels final act of selfishness) than whatever tf was going on with kathleen and her revenge plot. plus i thought the first game was all about "love" so why not go harder into these "light in the darkness" themes? kathleens plot is just a watered down part 2 anyway i still dont think we needed that :/

all my grievances aside however they Did stick the landing and i was so relieved plus i enjoyed the added anna segment. as someone whos played tlou like at least 10 times over the last decade plus watched others play, it was going to be impossible for me to not constantly be comparing the two. to be fair i think one of the strongest points of the show was how they really nailed how it felt to actually BE the player in these scenes that i had already played a hundred times myself. im sure this show was great for someone whos never played the game since a lot of my problems come from how they decided to do certain things for the show. i hope the people who enjoyed the show but havent experienced the game go watch a clip comp or something because i definitely believe the og game is still the best way to experience this story. video games also deserve more respect as an art form but thats a whooooole other conversation

i wish my opinion was stronger than 'it was fine overall with a couple solid episodes' but welp....definitely couldve been worse tho so im glad its at least as good as it is. it is good!! but the game is very near and dear to me so...i am biased but i tried to at least give it as fair a shake as possible. i think it started pretty strong. peaked with bill and frank. then dipped a little lower than the first ep. then picked back up to first eps strength again for the final stretch. the bill and frank and left behind eps were my favorite parts of the season. its a bit of a shame that the 2 eps that are most removed from the plot are the strongest to me, but also i guess it makes sense

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Alright, I just finished season 2 and I once again have thoughts but before that, I need to make a small correction to my previous post

This season didnt jump headfirst into serialization, I mustve misremembered and honestly, when I thought a little more about it, I dont think it ever tried to be consistantly serialized for atleast the first three seasons (after which I stopped watching). Like, this series is very faithful to its status quo which is pretty bad considering its a SLOW-BURN ROMANCE. Also, while I dont think it ever actually claimed to be Coming of Age, it is allegedly inspired by magical girl anime which have had Coming of Age elements since the genre's conception, but you cant have those if your main characters are all perpetually 14 so that kinda sucks.

Its so faithful to its status quo that all of the episodes end up having practically the same structure and there arent enough episodes that break it up so watching them all back to back makes it pretty hard to really distinguish them. I think the main thing preventing the show from getting boring as you watch it are the fight scenes which are pretty fun and inventive and, in season 2, the introduction of a bunch of new lore and heroes

Speaking of the new stuff, watching this series was kinda interesting because I felt like it was off to a bit of a rocky start and I got kinda worried because a lot of people hail it as the best season of the show so far and I was initially enjoying it a lot less than season 2 but then it did turn out to be pretty good and I liked the way they introduced the new lore and heroes and even Luca and Kagami, whom I was absolutely prepared to dislike. I think its because its all just setup but then I know that they're going to really fumble the payoff so I kinda tricked myself into thinking it was always bad when this season is actually pretty good.

Out of all the new stuff I think the Kwami Power-Ups were the worst. Its so blatantly toyetic in a way that feels really nonsensical and then they use them 2 and a half times and thats it, I dont even remember them ever being used in season 3but that might just be my shit memory

Im just going to restate that I think Master Fu is unecessary and that, between the Kwamis as their guides and the grimoire existing, our superheroes dont need a Wise Old Sage Mentor. Like, just make it so that the Miracle Box was in the possession of Marinettes family but they didnt know about the miraculous and then Marinette finds out but she only has the Ladybug (and maybe the fox and the bee) and all the other ones have been scattered all around Paris or even the world and then come up with some way for Adrien to get his hands on the cat miraculous idc

Luca was fine, hes a bit too bland and Manic Pixie Dreamgirl-ish for my taste except iirc he doesnt even end up advancing Marinettes character in any way, which is pretty much the only purpose a MPDG can serve, so like, what the point, but in this one season hes a good setup to become an actual character later on. Its a shame he never does, but still. I actually loved Kagami which is suprising because I mainly remembered her being kindof boring with some mildly offensive japanese stereotyping and fetishizing sprinkled on top, but shes pretty fun and likable. I love how awkward yet genuinely confident she is and I like the way she and Marinette interacted in Frozer, however briefly. I really liked Frozer in general, it was honestly really cute watching the four of them go on this litzle double date, I totally get all the polyshippers now, especially the Adrigaminette shippers. That being said, Kagami and Adrien really arent working for me as a couple so Im not looking forward to that

Alya, Chloe and Nino were fine as heroes its just that they dont really get any development (other than Chloe) and pretty much all they do is make the plotpoint where Ladybug and Cat Noir cant reveal their identities to each other pointless and nonsensical which is bad because thats the only reason the love square exists and the love square is like, the one Big Thing that this show has going for it. Alyas Rena Rouge suit is literally just Lilas suit down to the body being much slimmer so that sucks. On top of that, she and Queen Bee are unfortunately cursed with having to wear patterned skin tight latex suits with basically no other details because theyre girls in Miraculous Ladybug. I do really enjoy Queen Bees transformation sequence, it has so much personality and while I dont really like Chloe's civillian I do like that it has the same color scheme as her hero design almost like shes broadcasting the fact that shes Queen Bee without a care, even with clothes. Chloes arc was also really interesting and I liked the direction they went with her, i just wish her character development was more consistent because there were episodes where she seemed genuinely reformed even if she hasnt lost that Mean Girl exterior and then there were episodes where she just went back to being genuinely awful again. I dont have a lot to say about Nino except that I hate the hood and I hate his colorscheme. Theres a part in Heroes Day where they show the streets of paris from above while theyre parading these floaties of all the superheroes around and you can see how good Ladybug, Rena Rouge and Queen Bee look together with all of them having these warm main colors and Carapace just sticks out like a sore thumb, just put my man in a lighter more-yellowey shade of green Im begging you

One of the main reasons I was worried about season 2, beyond me mixing up stuff from season 3 with stuff from this season, was the way they handled Cat Noir. In the first season he was being playful and a little flirty with Ladybug but he had a similar playful attituide towards most of the people he interacted with and I guess the writers noticed that it didnt really come across as an actual crush on that part of the love square, so they made it a lot more blatant and made him come on to her much more strongly. Its clear to me that we're meant to symphatize with him when Ladybug rejects him but it seems that no one told the writers that unrequited love is only sad when they never voice their feelings to the person that doesnt love them back, when they keep making romantic gestures towards them even after an explicit rejection, thats just entitled, pathetic and cringe. It couldve been worse but season 1 was a bit better about it

I did like the Adrienette side of the love square far more this season though! Since they actually allowed Marinette to talk to him properly, Adriens personality got to come out more again and it felt like less of a shallow celebrity crush on her part. Its a realy shame that, instead of just continuing to go in this direction with the Love Square, they added Kagami and Luca as these pointless diversions. I think they could have worked, but maybe in a series that focused more on interpersonal relationships in general as opposed to just romantic ones or in a series that decided to get more wacky with it. Like, instead of there being The Love Square and then Luca for Marinette and Kagami for Adrien as Love Square Diversions you couldve had Marinette slowly form this deeper connection with Adrien while she also realizes how genuinely sweet and attentive Cat Noir could be but then Luca comes in and hes so interesting and cute but then Kagami is forward and confident like a realf life Ladybug and she starts to really admire her but oh, she never really noticed how much Alya always supported her and helped her grow....... and then do the same thing for Adrien. Like, go big or go home, GET WACKY WITH IT OR DONT GET WITH IT AT ALL

Hawkmoth is still really hard to take seriously, no surprise there. The moments where he cared about his son and even Nathalie in Heroes Day that were supposed to humanize him were fine, just kinda frustrating knowing that theyre gonna make him even more comically evil in the next few seasons and that its going to be inconsistant

Thats pretty much it. Pretty good overall, but hard to truly enjoy when you know whats coming

Thanks for reading ^^

[captainstevenrogerswrites]

Not my Captain.

@mrsrogerswrites

"Captain! Theres a rift opening. No known origin but its growing in size"

Captain Rogers stood tall as a smirk etched his features. Soldier surrounded him with few scientists. He despised scientists as a whole, always thinking they knew best, always over thinking, where as a soldier followed his command without any thinking and the ones they didnt......well their blood splattered the walls in defiant decoration to show anyone thinking of disobeying him just how he handled betrayal and free thinking from his men. He didnt care either if they respected him or just feared him, to him they were the same. You followed his orders, you lived for now. You didnt you would be praying the enemy killed you before Steve had a chance too because if he felt in a mood, he would drag your death out until you were begging for death and then simply keep dragging it on until your body killed itself and the last thing you would see was his dark smile creasing his lips. No one dared stand up to him.

Soldiers he tolerated, scientists only when they were of use to him. Everyone else was free game to him. If you were of use, he would acknowledge your existence, if not you were nothing to him. Same with relieving himself, if he wanted to fuck you, he never asked, he just took what he wanted from you, not caring if you couldnt take it either. After all, why would he care about you when you were just a fuck toy he was using for a couple of minutes relief. He was nothing like Captain America from other realms, he was Captain HYDRA; the ultimate super soldier in every way.

"Sir it's to another dimension " he dragged the scientist up to his feet as he began to tremble in fear "To where?" He snarled at the scared man "I....I....I dont know" with one swift action he broke his neck "the next person who cant answer my fucking question gets thrown in" everyone frantically tried to work out where.

He smiled to himself, another dimension, another Earth, he had helped HYDRA gain power over the world here and keep it. He was known as HYDRAS main man and he thrived upon it. If this other world wasnt ruled by them then maybe it was time it was "Sir, we have visual contact"

Looking up at the screen he saw blurry outlines of people as he snarled recognising some of them "Fury" he had killed him but it could be fun to kill this one too. The rift started to destabilise but he would be damnned if he was going to lose the chance of some more fun so he grabbed some of his men and ran through it just before it disappeared.

Walking slowly into view of the people, he didnt care his men had probably got shredded to pieces by not making it through with him. They were replaceable. "Captain Rogers" Fury questioned him as Rogers perked his brow in curiosity, the way he said it made it sound like this Rogers was on their side. He could feel the disgust inside of him with that thought, his version here working alongside him as a good guy, it was stuff of nightmares.

"But you're dead" another man spoke up in shock as Rogers fought back the urge to roll his eyes at his stupidity every bone in his body wanted to rip his tongue out and feed it him for it but he didnt. He was still assessing his situation and maybe he could play along as another good guy.

"I'm sorry for your loss, but dimensions are being split everywhere..." damn he was sounding like those pathetic scientists . "We need to fix the damage. What better way then teaming up?" He forced a smile, one that didnt look dark as his eyes then landed on a redhead. He would have her bent over that desk and fucking her brains out if he didnt have to play so pitifully good and maybe she would be one that could actually take it. He tried to hide the smirk, it's a shame he couldnt find out. At least not yet, as soon as HYDRA had taken over this world too, he would fuck her and if she was any good maybe he would keep her just for his amusement. Oh the possibilities but then she opened her mouth and he just wanted to ram his cock down her fucking throat to shut that precious mouth up. "So HYDRAs now the good guys" she motioned to his arm badge of the symbol of his home.

He smirked "different dimension love, who says SHIELD are the good guys for me?" He winked at her as soldiers attacked him and he snapped their necks, earning him a small fight and guns being to his head. He wasnt going to get anywhere with them all dead, so didnt show what he was fully capable of yet and put his hands up "well where we come from, HYDRA are the bad guys and were not taking any chances"

It had been at least three weeks since he was thrown in this god forsaken cell. Not that it bothered him, it gave him time to analyse and plan. If he wasnt sat up on the bed, he was doing press ups or walking around his block to keep his body moving but, even though he refused to show it, he was a restless beast trapped in a cage biding it's time before it attacked its prey. Two more days later and the opportunity leading to that might had reared its head.

"Our HYDRA has a device that can be of use to fix all the dimensions effected by the rift. You and Agent Romanoff will infiltrate and get the device. If you help us fix the rift we will let you go back to your dimension alive" he smirked at Furys words, Steve saw right through him, there was no chance in hell that these people would let him go back. His eyes deliberately walked all over her body before looking back at the man who thought he was in charge. This could be fun with her and he could bring down SHIELD here too. Throwing the lion back into the lions den....no wonder SHIELD didnt survive long in his world the idea of her company amused him too, which was rare so he nodded "very well, I'll be a good boy and play nice"

The woman scowered at him "or meet the end of my knife. Either way suits me" he looked at her and grinned, she was feisty and loved knives....now she just got a hell of a lot kinkier. Maybe he would keep her after all but then again he never really was much to keep things around and he had to play along for now.

"Lead the way, red" he smirked as they handcuffed him but his eyes stayed on her. fuck her and kill her, fuck her to death, just kill her or keep her as his own personal cum bucket. It was fucking awful he couldnt do any as he played the good boy. He was going to find a way back or turn this world into his own. Either way he wouldnt let some fiesty little redhead stop him. In time, he would double cross her and enjoy every fucking moment of it.

[dadbodsarehot]

bliss;

rating: lets say like teen idk. references to sex and drugs ( like actual ones that exist. i dont count bliss thats fake. but if people on bliss bothers you dont read this either ) but nothing super explicit 

pairing: summerseed ( john x tobias ) 

words: 1442 

summary: this was supposed 2 be the baptism fic and then it literally just was not i have no idea what happened. its still gay though. tons of yearning in this one if youre into that. if youre not what are you doing on my blog. this fic was supposed to be funny and that also didnt happen so much?? idk man but im vibing w it 

----------x----------

John finds Tobias right where he left him.

His eyes are dark, tiny rings of brilliant gold around pupils dilated to the size of dinner plates, his wet hair sticking to his face in platinum yellow disarray. The Bliss had sunk it's hooks into him- unsurprisingly, with how long John had left him in the water. Shame seeps into him, but it's not long before embarrassment takes it's place. Tobias is staring at him, now, enraptured- like a blind man seeing for the first time.  

It makes an uneven heat rise to his cheeks. Surely it's all in his head. A symptom of his desire, the same grasping desire that had led him to kiss him when this had all started, before he had run away like a coward. All at once he remembered the soft feeling of him, wet and warm and pressed against his body, the give of his mouth and the taste of water and purity on his tongue, the gentle touch of his fingertips running barely-there through his hair. It had felt like coming home. Like waking up. What had it felt like for Tobias? He didn't dare hope that-

"You look like an angel."

The words break John's concentration on his inner monologue and bring a fresh round of heat to his face, quiet on the night air in the painful way that only Tobias could be quiet. Like his voice itself was an apology for it's existence. And yet, there is no apology for these words. No second guessing, no shyness, no anxiety- only a drug-fueled certainty so potent that it almost tempts him to believe he means it.

There's nothing he wouldn't give for him to mean it. To be the angel that he deserves, instead of the flawed and broken man that he is.

He clears his throat, looking away with the vague hope that if he doesn't see Tobias staring at him, the tension- real or imagined- between them would dissipate. It's no use, though; he can still feel those slivers of captured sunlight burning into him like holy fire.

"Have you seen many angels, Tobias?" The question isn't as confident as he wants it to be. What is he afraid of? That the answer will be yes?

Tobias shakes his head, slowly from side to side, his eyes still riveted on John.

"I didn't think they existed. Not really. But now I do. Now I'm sure that they do. Because I'm-" He blinks in a long, slow motion, swaying on his feet with a shiver as the wind blows through the valley. The desire inside John- to covet, to cherish, to hold, flares up hotter than the gaze leaving vulnerable, aching holes in him. Tobias opens his mouth to resume his sentence, but stops, brows furrowing. "Because I'm..."

"Because you're what?" He's riveted on the candy coated, drug-induced words, on him, on the possibilities. Too riveted. Too involved. Too hopeful. He hates what he hopes for, because he can never have it. And he wants it more than he's ever wanted anything- more than he used to want his next hit, more than he wanted salvation, more than he wants to keep breathing.  

"I.....forgot what I was gonna say." The laugh that follows should be nervous, would usually be nervous, but is instead delighted. "Oops."

John laughs with him, if only for a moment. What else can he do but laugh? It sure beats giving into despair, into the feeling wrenching itself through his gut like a knife. What did he want him to say? No matter what he had said, it wouldn't change anything. The towel that he brought him hangs forgotten in his hand until he wraps it around the small mans shoulders, who pulls it around himself appreciatively and rubs the corner slowly against his cheek. "You must be cold. I'm......sorry."

Another shake of his head- blessedly, his eyes slip closed while he takes a deep inhale of the worn fabric.

"No. I feel... I'm so warm. It just smells like you. I like it. I like it a lot. You're all over me, like this."

John curses the way his heart skips a beat, and curses even more the next words that slip out of his mouth. "Come home with me."

And now those eyes are looking at him again, sparkling in the moonlight like he had plucked the stars from the sky itself- if it was possible, he would think his pupils had dilated further. Tobias tilts his head to the side, and strands of slowly drying, tangled blonde tilt with it. "Home? With you?"

He realizes what that invitation sounds like, at least to himself, and backtracks. "It's late, and you need to sleep this off. Change into some dry clothes."

Tobias looks down at his shirt, like he hadn't realized it was soaked and clinging to him indecently before John had pointed it out. He's lucky; John wishes he could stop noticing it, could stop thinking about leaning over and kissing him again or about stripping it off of him to see his expanse of pale skin glow damp and unhindered in the moonlight. "Okay....but only if I can keep the towel, too."

Again, John laughs.

----x----

The ride home was quiet, filled with staring and starlit skies and nothing but the chirp of crickets and the hymns on the radio to keep them company. Luckily, it was easy enough to convince him to give up his wet towel when John bribed him with one of his shirts. Tobias lays in his own bed, now, a button up trailing halfway down his thighs, pupils still wide even under the fluorescent lights. In another lifetime, they would both be under the influence. In another lifetime, he would pin him there, would leave marks on him, would corrupt this innocent thing with his own desire to fill his holes. In another lifetime, Tobias would be his.

But this is the only life he has, now- and it's one he should be grateful for. One he is grateful for.  

John covers him up delicately and turns to leave. And he would have left, too, were there not suddenly a hand tugging at his shirt, keeping him in place.

"Stay with me this time?"

John knows he should say no. He wants to say yes. It'd be selfish to say no; it'd be selfish to say yes. Was staying a gift for Tobias, or himself? No doubt he would regret falling asleep next to him when the morning came and the haze of Bliss fell like scales from his sunlit eyes. Would it be wrong, to enjoy being close to him in the time before that? He tried to think of what Joseph would do, if put in a similar situation, and all at once was sure he would say no. That he would pull out of the weak grasp on him, twist free from the bindings this man had slyly attached to his traitor heart, and spend the night on the couch regretting it.

It was the right thing to do.

But he is not Joseph, and he realizes in the next instant when he is already flipping off the light and sliding under the covers next to Tobias that he is not someone who does the right thing, either.

The younger man's body once more presses in against his own- if he's aware of the too-fast rhythm of his heart when he lays his head against his chest, he doesn't say anything. John can almost feel him smile when he wraps his arms around him like second nature- another product of his overactive imagination, he's sure.

"I remembered what I was going to say. Earlier. About the angels." It's muffled by his own chest, and growing smaller by the minute as sleep and relaxation easily take him.

"Maybe you should tell me in the morning." His heart squeezes painfully. Tobias' arm wraps around his waist, his fingers caressing his back in what felt to him like agonizing decadence. In the morning, he would pull away from him, as he should; Tobias, he can tell, is someone who does do the right thing. He would not think about the morning right now.

"I believe in angels...." He yawns, precious and small, and nuzzles his still damp hair against John's chest, mumbling the end of his sentence. It's almost incomprehensible, taken by sleep and drugs. But John chooses, for better or for worse, to believe what he only thought he had heard.

Just for tonight, he will say yes to this, too.  

"Because I'm in love with one."

[yaboyspodcastpalace]

For the character asks: Jon, Peter Lukas, Annabelle Cane? (giving multiple suggestions so you can pick one in case you get the same character twice in different asks)

very kind of you to assume i get many asks :') THANKS ill do all of them u_u

[Send me a character and i'll tell you...]

(under the cut bc i love talking and this got long lmao)

Jon

First impression

he's a uptight prick with obvious favoritism for sasha and tim and i love him so! much!!!!!!

Impression now

my poor little mew mew hm................I've got a complicated relationship w/ jon bc i love him a lot, but i loved s1 him the most, and literally everything else just makes me really, brutally, sad ;_; The way he tries so desperately to cling to his humanity and how other characters just call him by the title imposed to him makes me wanna cry

...also he just cares so much ;_; i cry

Favorite moment

probably his interactions with georgie at the beginning of season 3!!! From s5 id say when he killed not!sasha, it felt vindictive ù_ú

Idea for a story

Dhfhdh im p basic when it comes to him ngl, either jon/tim/sasha friends to lovers or jon and desolation!tim or *something*!sasha trying to stay as human as possible, together 😔 (or just any of them living and coping together in s4 n s5)

Unpopular opinion

Im just not a fan of monster jon, at all! He's not the type of character that i enjoy seeing having a corruption arc unfortunately!! It just hurts!!! (and this Is from someone that Loves corruption arcs!!!)

Also i really hate moth jon imagery??? For not particular reason, moths are pretty, but i still hate it u_u AND THE ASSOCIATION OF GREEN W/ JON (or the beholding in general!) I CANNOT STAND IT!! i know its bc of the tma logo but guess what! Its wrong! Purple jon rights!!!

ALSO ALSO the so called pining he had for martin just.... didnt felt like that at all! i have Many feelings abt this!

Favorite relationship

either georgie in s3, or sasha!!! i love how he always praises sasha in her research in s1 and even thought he's at his driest & sharp Trying-To-Project-Professionalism-And-Skepticism she still rolls into his office, interrupts him mid statement to banter w/ him abt pronunciation n stuff and its just Normal, like that speaks volumes of how comfortable they felt around each other! they were friends gdi! the moment he realizes she died and then everytime the not!them mocks him w/ her death makes me wanna break smth q_q

im not even gonna mention tim bc even though i love their relationship It 👏 makes me👏 very 👏 sad 👏

non shippy and also staying strictly canon, i love his relationship with melanie!

Favorite headcanon

sometimes i think abt that one hc that hes really good with arcade games bc he lived near the coast and i smile bc thats cute :) also hes a trans man 💙💗🤍💗💙

Peter

First impression

Mystery evil captain man!!! Fog?? I LOVE him :)

Impression now

I STILL LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!! Hes an asshole and has a lovely voice and smile and hes not, hes not Dumb but also he's far from the whooooa evil lonely influence he think he is (played like a cheap fiddle). He also makes me sad in ways i cannot and wont describe, and its a shame that he died cuz he was the best part of season 4 😔 rip you beautiful bastard man i still miss you </3

Favorite moment

"It has blood on it" "thats Leitner's too :D". Also when martin was angry abt idk, breekon? Jon going into the coffin? Cant remember, but peter was like I said id protect the institute, that guys not my problem ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Idea for a story

dfgdfg i have..... a petermart story that dealt with the different flavor of loneliness they both had, half smut half genuine meta of both of them and theorization on the branching of an Entity & how their powers manifested in other people...

basically, peter thinks hes hot shit when it comes to loneliness but gets overwhelmed when martin accidentally projects his feelings abt *fic's plot stuff* on him, its fun stuff!

Unpopular opinion

people either paint him like an absolute devil or an incompetent idiot and hes neither of them! hes an asshole who loves being an asshole but far from the worst monster in the show and he tried to do a clever scheme TWICE on his life and 1. while it was established that any of the rituals wouldnt work singularly the Silence was still a pretty clever attempt if it weren't for gertrude! and 2. well... he tried to manipulate someone petty and formerly supposed to be a web avatar, again not his fault, cant call him stupid for trying dfgdfg

i Do think hes kinda pathetic in some sense considering his backstory, but more out of personal pity than anything else

Favorite relationship

Canonically speaking him and martin! The pull and push of them was The best thing about season 4! Peter being a quite dangerous avatar and martin, beautiful and scared and kinda feisty, confronting him every chance he gets, peter doing his best to manipulate him and martin letting him believe hes succeeding (even thought, he is, partly). They're fascinating characters to have side by side

Favorite headcanon

Partly canonically speaking him and mikaele salesa :) they do bets together! They're lonely sea men! What else could you possibly want?

Also non shippy i like thinking abt peter's and simon's relationship but thats entirely non canon ♡

Diversity wins! The heir of the lonely is a gay man!

Also I think as every rich household(?) the lukases had many paintings and peter as a kid saw the ones w/ sailing ships and imagined sailing far far away from his family. That and seaman aesthetic fucks, which is why he always has the same vibe going on as an adult. He does Not know half of the things he'd need to know to have a ship though but hey he's rich and thats all he needs

Annabelle

First impression

thats a horrible psychological experiment they're making there D:

Impression now

THATS STILL A HORRIBLE EXPERIMENT AND ANNABELLE DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER............. idk! she makes me sad in the same way jon (and to a degree, peter) does! to be a living puppet for the thing that traumatized you as a kid and that later kinda killed you / is the only thing keeping you alive, to be devoted to it scrambling to believe in a higher reason for all of it to happen bc to believe otherwise is............. anyway. i love her, and i feel so so sorry for her

Favorite moment

her "maybe ive never been to the beach" at the end of ehr statement (that i fully believe its bullshit but, yknow, i love that she adds that), most of her convos with martin, her "i told you this might happen" "you did, you did" with mikaele

Idea for a story

i think a lot about her having conversations w/ either mikaele (platonically) or sasha (shippy) and their different points of views and treat with her making her doubt the web a bit

Unpopular opinion

listen, listen, i know it sounds like im woobifying her i Know it but reading the scraps of her story how can i Not feel sorry for her? when the story framed her very similar to jon? the supernatural childhood encounter that gave them arachnophobia and the subsequential joining with an Entity against her will? the fact that both the story and the fans treat her like a spider woman always sat very very bad to me, and the fact that the story itself always framed her like a villain (considering All The Other Characters that get the benefit of the doubt) was extremely disappointing

Favorite relationship

her and mikaele!!!!!!! wish we could have seen more scenes of just the two of them!!!!!! *singing* he is her daaaaaad, hes her dad! boogie boogie boogie! (ok no but like... their offscreen friendship is my favorite thing of season 5 ;_;)

Favorite headcanon

Sigh i dont know...i still think she's scared of spiders which make her current existence harder but thats a sadcanon :/ umm...... i love the idea of mikaele and her cooking together from time to time! Mikaele showing her some plates he used to eat as a kid as he talks stories about his life :) and she listens and sometimes tells a story of her own! its been so long since he had a quasy normal conversation! its weird yet nice!

[taki118]

List of Reincarnated into the Villainess of an Otome/Romance Novel Series I Like

Soooooo I’ve gotten sucked into the very specific isekai subgenre?trope? Of girl gets reincarnated into an otome game or romance novel she loves but is the villainess. It’s kind funny how similar these all are but at the same time so different. Now these arent all the titles just the ones I’ve read for at least a volume and like. (if asked i might make a list of the ones that failed for me). I’m gonna separate by types. and if you know of any other titles please do tell me.

Received Past Memories during Childhood

(The story starts with the MC remembering her past life as a child and growing up with the knowledge)

I Reincarnated into an Otome Game as a Villainess With Only Destruction Flags...

So this one has a good deal of traction since it has an anime adaption currently running, but I’ll be honest it’s not one of favs. This series is primarily a harem comedy and most of the jokes deal with the MC’s expectations from the game not matching her new reality and not realizing why, which can be very fun, if one note. The characters are likeable which is why I keep reading but I think some other titles on this list use the concept far better.  There is also a spin off version where the MC doesnt get her old memories until later in life and has to deal with the actions of the game character, but it’s fairly the same you arent missing much if you dont read it. 

The Villainess Want to Marry a Commoner

So in this one the MC isn’t trying to avoid a bad end rather she’s very excited to be able to romance her favorite NPC whom she wished was romance-able. (which honestly mood) I’m not very far in but it really takes the whole this is a game the furthest as there are stat checks and the MC basically carried over all the items and skills acquired in her past playthroughs.

Survive as the Hero’s Wife

A web series, this one takes place in a book and the main pair are married as children and the MC plays double agent for the series antagonist to keep her and the LI safe. It’s fairly involved with a larger cast of characters but I’ll be honest this is one of the titles I feel would be stronger if it was just a straight fantasy series, the whole Isekai aspect feels like it’s there just to make the plot move quicker. But all around a good read. 

Fiancée’s Observation Log of the Self-proclaimed Villainess

Now this one has a fun twist on the formula in that it’s told from the perspective of the love interest. Some of the faults other titles are plague with are avoided here as the main character himself has no knowledge of the world being a game, his fiance does but while she’s happy to tell him she’ll be a great villainess and get him a happy ending with the heroine she never tells him why thats so important so he’s left in the dark and thereby so are we. I will give a warning there is  bit of fat shaming in this as the original games villainous was chubby  but this version is skinny, like its not awful but its not the best implication that bad is chubby and good is skinny.

The Evil Lady's Hero

Another webseries set in a novel while we dont see the MC in childhood (save for some flashbacks) it’s stated she’s had her old memories since then. What I really like about this series is the MC’s personality and set up. So she died well into her 20s  and as such she is a bit more mature and levelheaded than most MC’s, her plan was to avoid the main cast of the books as much as possible but ends up drunkenly sleeping with the male lead leading to them dating. Her thought being I’ll just enjoy this for now and let him break up with me when he meets the heroine, all good. The pair play well off each other and I’m curious to see where the story goes.

The Result of Being Reincarnated is Having a Master-Servant Relationship with the Yandere Love Interest

Now this one has a lot of fun with this concept as there are two other characters who were reincarnated like the MC. Because this game had only yandere love interests even the “good” endings arent that good, the MC also has limited knowledge as she didnt get to play all the way through so she feels less omnipotent than other protagonists, and along with not being the only person displaced it gives the series a nice refreshing feel.  

Received Past Memories as Young Adult (The story starts with the MC remembering her past life after/during the events of the game/book)

I’m a Villainous Daughter, so I’m going to keep the Last Boss

So I actually really love this series and wanna read the light novel version. The MC regains her memories during the beginning of the bad end for the villainess and thinking quickly saves face to run off and find the main antagonist of the  game the demon king who happens to be a secret route on the second play through. Its a very fun read but gets a little dark in later chapters I wont spoil cause its good but there is an attempted rape scene. 

Simply Good Sense for a Duke’s Daughter

This one kills me cause the world building and characters are so strong and dense it’s actually weakened by the fact that the MC was reincarnated is really just kinda brushed off most the time. As you get more and more invested the only real purpose her being reincarnated into an otome has is like some ideas for products to sell and how to make things that dont exist in this world yet. Like I wont say I don’t enjoy it but I think I’d enjoy it more if it was just a fantasy story. 

Beware the Villainess

God I love this webseries. The MC is just a delight as she decides she wont be evil but she wont be good either. What I like about this series is it kinda plays with the fact that the setting is a trashy romance novel cause as the MC learns more about the main characters of the novel she finds that the descriptions in the book dont match up because it’s very surface level. Example a merchant whos said to be very smart and savvy in the books is actually rather easy to outsmart, MC realizes it’s cause the writer only ever wrote he was smart never HOW he was smart. I would def give this one a read its a lot of fun. 

For Certain Reasons, The Villainess Noble Lady Will Live Her Post-Engagement Annulment Life Freely

This is again another series I think would be stronger if it was straight fantasy. The MC of this story actually has no idea the world is an otome game, she was  nurse in her past life and uses that knowledge for the betterment of the land, (though actually its hard to tell if she was really reincarnated or just has the memories of this person) The story could have moved just as well if the MC was given like a medical textbook from a mysterious other world. But the characters are fun so its not awful just not one of my favorites. 

Reincarnated but not as Villainess 

I Am Troubled That My Fiance Is a Villain

The MC is reincarnated into an otome game with her memories as a child but as a side character, she ends up endearing herself and becoming engaged to the games villain character. Its very cute because she doesnt have to worry about a bad end she doesnt try to interfere much just keep those around her safe. 

Seduce The Villain's Father

Web series MC gets reincarnated into a novel as a minor character, as the story takes place prior to the events of the book she changes things to keep her new sister safe and uses the opportunity to try and avoid more tragic events. Its not bad I’d say the idea itself is interesting though its a little uncomfortable she calls the male lead “father” 

A Villain Is A Good Match For A Tyrant

Ok so this web series is kinda hilarious and I do have to spoil a little cause the person reincarnated is NOT our lead, its our villain. So this person was actually the author of the story, she had written a novel about a girl being reincarnated into the bastard daughter of a lord who gets engaged to a tyrant and has to pretend to be evil to stay safe from his enemies, and the author is so PISSED she reincarnated into a random priestess. Its so weirdly meta. The MC is the lord’s bastards and the events play out just like story only she doesnt get her body taken over. This series is very fun, cant wait to see how it goes. 

Anyway this is my list if you have suggestions for me I’ll check them out. Will probably make another list later. 

[randomoranges]

this week i got this idea. idk i like doing remake post version of things and such. then i checked to see if the ride was still open and apparently it closed in 2019 but not permanently??? but it didnt say when it’d reopen??? so im using my powers to have it be open in this future. 

anyways, yeah it should all read familiar to the og piece cause i had it open and followed the path of that one. 

Fort Edmonton II

Summer, 202X

 “Hey, let’s go out,” Étienne lazily tells him one afternoon. The weather has finally let up and it seems like the rest of the day might actually be nice, if he’s to judge by the sun he can finally see. It had been a quiet day, considering Edward had arrived late last night and he’d gone to pick him up from the airport. They’d gone back to Étienne’s place, Edward had emptied out some of his suitcase, he had freshened up and then they’d ended up spending the rest of the evening catching up and reacquainting themselves with one another, before getting some shut eye in the early hours of the morning.

 It’s a good thing there’s no real plan to their visits other than “spend time together” and “go out and see the sights” and “whatever the hell else we feel like.” Now, if anything, they have grown comfortable with the idea of spending time without having to do anything grand and it’s nice to know that just being together is fine and welcomed as well.

  From his spot on the couch, Edward shifts and rearranges himself until he’s no longer resting on Étienne’s chest, but instead laying next to him. He cranes his head up to find green eyes silently observing him, amused and fond, as always. He still looks different without his glasses, but the look suits him and he supposes the same can be said about him.

 “Where to?” Edward asks without really moving. There’s no urgency to this, he can tell. Étienne probably feels a little restless and the idea of stretching their legs sounds nice, but at the same time, it’s nice and cool here, in Étienne’s living room and outside is most likely hot and sticky. However, it is the afternoon, so maybe it won’t be as bad, he tries to tell himself, even though he knows better.

 “You’ll see,” Étienne replies with an enigmatic smile, before he bounces off the sofa, laughing, as he makes his way to the washroom, to presumably shower and change. Edward hears the end of what sounds like “it’ll be fun” and gets an eyeful of Étienne’s back, before he groans and flops back into the vacant spot left by his boyfriend.

 --

 They take the métro and the ride is longer than usual, but not unpleasant. Edward pesters Étienne with questions as to where they’re going, until Étienne threatens to blindfold him if he doesn’t stop. Edward keeps quiet afterwards and figures he’ll piece it together once they get off at whatever stop. He’s endeared by Étienne’s buoyant childlike expression as they make their way to their destination and when they finally get off at Jean Drapeau, Edward still isn’t entirely sure where they’re going, even if it does narrow down some of Étienne’s usual go to places. He does wonder if Étienne doesn’t have any ulterior motives as to the place they’re going to, but he keeps the thought to himself as he follows his boyfriend to their destination.

 Edward barely registers all of the information Étienne throws, as he speaks a mile a minute, mixing French and English as he normally does when he gets excited and exuberant. It’s nice to see him this animated and Edward does his best to keep up with him as they walk along the path. He gets the words “still open” and “a classic” and “fireworks” and leaves it at that.

 It’s finally once they make it closer to the place that Edward realises they’re going to La Ronde and he can’t help but laugh. He hasn’t been here in ages and the place certainly brings back memories of previous trips of lifetimes ago. He thinks he’s in for an eclectic walk through the park and that Étienne will bring him from one ride to another as his fancy sees fit, but instead, Edward is surprised when Étienne heads in one specific location. He doesn’t pay much attention when Étienne takes his hand as it now feels like a natural thing for him to experience, but he is a little surprised when they make it to the ride.

 Étienne comes to a stop in front of a rather older looking ride and grins large and wide at him, as if pleased with himself and his clever little plan of his; the proverbial cat that got the cream and such.

 “Here we are!” He declares and steps out of the way so that Edward can get an eye full of his clever little scheme. Edward is – amused and touched somehow – when he sees the name of the ride. He’d recognised it earlier, but now that they’re standing in front of it, he wonders if Étienne is as aware of its significance as he is. (He’s sure he is. Edward has come to realise with time that everything Étienne does is calculated and that his boyfriend’s mind is a treasure throve of nostalgic memories.)  

 “Not quite the same as your original Fort Edmonton, but, it’ll have to do.” He adds, still grinning and Edward can’t help but laugh.

 “Please, my own Fort Edmonton isn’t even fully original, so yes, it’ll have to do.” Edward quips as they step in the rather non-existent line to wait their turn. “Any particular reason you dragged me all the way here?”

 Étienne shrugs, “Thought it’d be nice to come back and see it. I know it’s not the same as when we came here ages ago – it’s not even the same as during Expo, but – the view’s still nice.”

 Edward nods at the comment and they both fall quiet for a moment.

 “D’you ever look back on Expo and wonder if it wasn’t some mass hallucination brought on by some drug induced fever dream? Like – I was there, but whenever I look back I’m just like – no, that didn’t happen.”

 Étienne laughs and leans closer to him for a moment, looking for support, before he teeter-totters over the railing, “My dear, I’m thoroughly convinced it was.”

 They chuckle their way to the front of the line and get the next mini-rail all to themselves. Étienne has them sit up front, since it’s where they can get the best view, and pats the spot beside him. Edward follows him, before he takes his seat. It’s a shame this is only part of the original path the ride covered during Expo, but the scenery is still nice and the rhythmic movement of the old carts is soothing.

 “Still the best seat in the house,” Étienne declares. Edward doesn’t offer any commentary to that and instead sits back to enjoy the proverbial ride. He smiles to himself when he feels his boyfriend’s hand on top of his own and spares him a glance that’s fond and loving. “It’s still the best seat to hold hands as well,” Étienne adds as he leans in close. Edward let’s him and agrees with the statement.

 The mini-rail goes on its merry way, giving them a grand tour of the park. Edward troubles himself to take in the view and Étienne points out the interesting facts and changes in the landscape since the last time they’d done this, all the while holding on to his hand.

 “I’ve gotta ask,” Edward interrupts some time later when they reach a clearing that gives them a good view of the city, “Why d’you name this after some part of – me – as opposed to any other place in Canada?” He’s always wondered, truth be told, but he never dared ask, afraid of what Étienne might tell him – that it would either be loaded or accidental. But now, he doesn’t care if Étienne tells him that he’d pulled the name out of a hat, or if it had meant something all along. They’re in a better place now and he knows how his boyfriend feels about him. He doesn’t need this to validate the time and energy he’s spent in this relationship anymore.

 Étienne is quick with his answer; “It was the logical choice. You’ve always meant a lot to me – still do. It was my own way of honouring our friendship back then.”

 It still manages to flummox him, despite everything and he supposes Étienne will always have that effect on him – will always find ways to surprise him, no matter how long they will know each other and he supposes that it’s one of the reasons he likes him. Still, his heart does a funny loop at that and it has nothing to do with the roller coasters that paint the backdrop of their little ride.

 He turns back towards his boyfriend in time to see the setting sun reflect off his smiling face and the tableau steals his breath for a moment. The light gently bounces off Étienne’s glasses and highlights the auburn of his hair, while framing his face just so. For a second longer, Étienne is at peace with the world and Edward sees the pride Étienne has for his city. It’s breathtaking, in short, and there’s something unguarded about the expression on Étienne’s face that is always lovely to see. And finally, after all these years, it feels as though Étienne has put the last of his barriers down for good.

 Edward lets go of Étienne’s hand and swings his arm around his shoulders, before his boyfriend can protest the absence of his hand. There’s no one else on the ride, but even so, and even though this type of outright display still isn’t his scene, he knows Étienne loves it. He makes an effort for Étienne every now and again and every time, he is rewarded with the prettiest of smiles that graces Étienne’s face.

 And he has to admit that this, still, is the best view of the city.

 FIN

[millennialzadr]

WHY I LOVE ZADR!!!

HEY GUYS WHASSUP? LMAO

So this is a whole ass giant long post of me absolutely spewing my feelings of love for ZADR, it was the very first thing I wrote when I made this blog and I think it’s a nice, positive thing for my fellow shippers to inhale and enjoy 👌👌

it was originally a reply to mitarashiart’s post about why HE loves ZADR (link in replies) but I decided to delete that and make my own post since MY WHOLE ENTIRE TEXT WALL WAS SHOWN IN THE REPLIES and drowned out anyone else who was trying to talk (thanks tumblr mobile u fuckin idiot)

I had also posted a summary of an AU that I’m working on in the original post, but decided to remove it since it just about doubled the length (I’m thinking about posting it separately along with the wips I’ve been putting together, we’ll see 👀)

But ANYWAY, here is about a million reasons why I think ZADR is the fucking best, so if you like reading gushy gay ship feelings, please enjoy ❤️❤️❤️

[Posted June 2019][WARNING, LONG ASS THOUGHT BARF]

SOOO, holy hell y’all my journey back into this fandom has been a wild and unique experience for me, i went from adding invader zim to my bookmarks on kisscartoon, rewatching the series, finding out theres a movie coming out, finding out there was a shitload of content i’d never seen before (commentaries, lost episode scripts and audios, panels, the COMIC, episodes i’d never seen because the dvd i used to watch was scratched!! and a FUCKLOAD of quality modern fan art like oh my GOD) and finally curiously googling ‘zadr’ (which i was way into when i was maybeee 13/14) to see if there was any interesting new art, and holy hell, mita (the artist above) singlehandedly THREW me down the hole into modern zadr hell, first with his absolutely stunning IZ art (all his art is dope tho check him out yo), then reading the above explanation put the final nail in the coffin like, 100%

so i wanted to add onto his post here on why this ship got me so fucked up, both for anyone who might be wondering why on earth i’m shipping two characters from a kid’s show (i’m very aware how weird that is at first glance trust me) and also so i can get some ideas down for possible future reference (will i ever draw them? maybe)

(first of all, a disclaimer, and this is not pleasant to write but it’s important to address for clarity’s sake: I have no interest in romantic or sexual relationships between minors, and do not ship zim and dib as they are presented canonically in the show (as children). what i’m interested in is the conceptualized relationship they may have as modern adults, and i view zadr more as taking the concepts of existing characters and experimenting with them with different interpretations, which i personally think is a constructive and fun creative outlet, especially if these characters hold personal significance for you (childhood faves of course). growing up together is an important facet of their relationship, and certainly they were important to each other even as children (see: mopiness of doom) but as an adult i’m personally curious about what kind of adults they might’ve become, and that’s the focus of my interest. i’ll still be reblogging regular IZ art because it’s dope but if you see shippy looking art of them as tiny lil beans its either friendship or chibis (and i personally headcanon zim as getting taller with dib but some people stick with his canonical height when drawing them as adults, which is super short. it still doesn’t mean he’s a kid). aaand i wish i didnt have to write this and it would just be obvious but we live in a sick sad world and it is sourced from a children’s cartoon so i feel its necessary. end of disclaimer)

NOW THAT THAT’S OUT OF THE WAY

- ok, first reason’s a bit obvious - the nostalgia. holy hell, the feeling of rediscovering a ship that was popular when i was a preteen during the mid 2000s and discovering a totally new perspective on it as an adult comes with an almost totally overwhelming sense of nostalgia and comfort, as well as inspiration!! the kind of art that seems so common for zadr, these sketch pages of scenes and expressions and visual gags where artists would just scribble every idea they had and LOVE doing it, this was exactly the kind of art that made me so passionate about drawing as a kid, and it still sparks such a powerful feeling of love and admiration for me to this day. fan content of iz and zadr is simultaneously achingly familiar and totally new and fascinating, and it just makes me SO damn happy to consume, it is most definitely my new comfort content. and just, GOD. THE ART!! SO GOOD. FUCK

- now for the characters themselves: for some reason i just really love the thought of a mid twenties, modern Dib?? lanky goth dork, disaster bi, depressed as shit, uses bad sweaters and memes to cope?? when i was a kid i didn’t even LIKE Dib, but now i totally sympathize with him! he’s just a hyper obsessive nerd wishing there was more to life than the situation he got stuck with, how wildly relatable. he was a pretty big asshole as a kid (even to people besides zim) but he was also totally isolated and constantly bullied, so there’s a lot of room for growth. i feel there’s a lot of juicy character development potential for that boy, and there’s always been a special place in my heart for characters who are totally sad and screwed and hopeless, but there’s one thing, or person, that means the world to them and could possibly save them…

- aliens. Zim. i love nonhuman characters, i love monsters, i love aliens, i love characters that don’t understand human shit (and thus have much less room for shame or fear bc theyre just totally oblivious the negatives of modern society) and need guidance (bonding!!) from their human. i also love morally grey characters and characters with skewed logic, they’re always really interesting, and Zim himself just has such a unique personality and set of mannerisms, he contradicts himself a lot and you can never quite expect how he’ll behave, and i love that in a character, it makes them super versatile and fun, especially since there’s so many different possibilities for their development. Also, Zim is a gremlin, a little shit, and a disaster. I also love those traits in a character. And don’t even get me started on his character design?? big sparkly eyes? expressive antennae? monster teeth? complimenting colors? he’s adorable.

- mutual obsession. for someone like Dib, who seems almost repulsed by how boring and slow the people around him are, Zim quite literally personifies Dib’s  escapist fantasies, both as an inhuman entity from beyond the stars, and as a person who’s knowledge, charisma and mystery far exceeds that of anyone Dib has met in his entire life. (so basically what i’m saying is that for a shunned, jaded misanthropist, an actual alien is terribly alluring, even if said alien is dangerous, stupid, and possibly insane). not to mention Zim vindicates Dib’s entire life passion, the supernatural! Even when their relationship is totally negative, there is not a single inch of room for Dib to get tired of Zim. as mita explained, they validate each other. for Zim, WHO AGAIN, IS TOTALLY SHUNNED, ISOLATED, AND HATED BY EVERYONE HE KNOWS, Dib is the only person in the universe who gives a single shit about him!! he gives Zim credit as a threat, a capable invader, which if you ask me is the sole thing Zim is after (he’s hellbent on his mission because it would win him the approval of the tallest, all he’s ever wanted is recognition from the people he thinks so highly of). He literally gets depressed when Dib isn’t around to pay attention to him, not even the tallest were enough to motivate him before Dib came back. these two have no one and nothing without each other, and while lifelong nemeses is fine and dandy, i personally prefer friendship, affection and love, cause i’m a softie like that. how could they possibly get there after years of actively trying to kill each other?? well, i think under just the right circumstances it could become a possibility after a long, long time.

- growth. i. love. me. some. good. character growth. especially for characters with trauma/mental illness, bc again, relatable. these boys have issues, and as mita mentioned, their canon stories are actually INCREDIBLY sad! but the happy thought is, they could recover! they could help each other recover, for little reason other than the two are the only source of happiness for each other. now of course this also opens the gate for angst lovers, but at the same time offers potential for comforting, uplifting content of the boys supporting and inspiring each other, maybe even to the point of becoming happy and healthy enough to create the lives they want for themselves (as in appreciating life and doing things that make them actually happy instead of the delusions of grandeur they both sought when they were younger). gimme that positive shit and let the poor beans be happy  щ(ಠ益ಠщ)

- LITTLE THINGS. LITTLE THINGS THAT ONLY COME WITH CHILDHOOD FRIENDS. WITH HUMAN/NONHUMAN. WITH THE SHOW’S WEIRD LOGIC. Zim being the person Dib knows best and vice versa. Zim having an involuntary respect/admiration for Dib because he’s tall. Learning each other’s needs, limits, and communication methods, both emotionally and biologically. Sensitive antennae. Affectionate bickering. Being less insecure bc your partner literally has no idea why you see your flaws as flaws. Laughing at the flaws they do notice because they make no sense. Zim only wanting to eat waffles and chow mein. Dib being forced to overcome his depression lethargy and stay hygienic/keep the apartment clean because Zim has a sharper sense of smell and is afraid of germs. Endless conversation about anything and everything because they’re from literally different worlds, and endless intrigue. TOUCHING. TALKING. DOING EVERYTHING LIKE ITS THE VERY FIRST TIME AND ALWAYS NEEDING THE OTHER TO GUIDE THEM. HOLY HELL THERE IS SO MUCH POSSIBILITY FOR TINY LITTLE MOMENTS THAT MEAN THE WORLD. FUCK. GOT ME FUCKED UP.

so that wraps up the why. fuck man. its just such a good ship. if you read this big ass text post, thank you for indulging me, i hope you enjoyed it! because i enjoy it very much 👀 so stick around if you’d like to for a shit load of IZ and zadr content on this blog, possibly (MAYBE) even from me!! come roll around in alien hell with me why dontcha ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ its a fun time! thanks for reading!!!

-

SO THAT’S MY MANIFESTO Y’ALL, FEEL FREE TO REPLY WITH YOUR OWN REASONS!! I WOULD LOVE FOR THIS POST TO JUST BECOME A BIG GIANT PILE OF LOVE AND YELLING!! GO NUTS! SCREAM ABOUT IT! INFODUMP! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! I’LL READ EVERY LAST REPLY! Y’ALL DESERVE TO ENJOY YOUR SHIP BC IT’S LITERALLY THE FUCKING BEST!!! LOVE Y’ALL!!!!!!

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG //CHAPTER 20

i mispelt the title as ‘oofal hunt’ which, i mean, mood,

IN THIS EPISODE OF DEPRESSION TO THE MAX:

"Fuck you."

THAT’S IT. THAT’S-- THERE’S THE CHAPTER.

/looks at the chosen lyrics for this chap :hrm:

do i still have to a little introduction to this liveblog? twenty chapters in? methinks not so lets just get right Tew It shall we

“We’re here, Ms. Fall.”

/marks this next section down on the tally of cinder’s mistakes. we’re somewhere in the high thousands.

An old Dust extraction point, quietly rotting. Cinder’s mouth pulled. There was an abysmal dearth of kindling.

cinder: you know you could at least take me somewhere better suited for me to kick your ass. this is VERY rude. am NOT a fan. my yelp review will NOT be kind.

i love cinder counting up the numbers. you know honestly id be deeply charmed if someone saw it fit to bring half an army out to take me on. i mean, would it be a pain in my ass? yes. but also. awh. thanks lads! love how many of you blocked out this evening just for me x

"Sienna Khan!" Cinder could barely hear herself between the claws of that strange laughter. "Sienna Khan! It’s really—really—you!"

uh-oh sisters,

oh man sienna and cinder is just. look. WOOF. theres a lot here. a lot going on. a lot that HAD gone on. but also im gay so this tension is peak for me PLEASE lay it on thick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LETS GO!

Cinder stopped laughing.

"Overkill," she repeated, and in the same breath, crossed the tarmac in full immolation.

HELL YEAH BABEY. but also was the more the implication that cinder is an easy kill OR the implication that glynda’s the bigger threat that’s more annoying,,,,,,,,,,,,, well!!!!!!!! too late to find out now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They clashed: once, twice, three times, steel on Aura, flitting through space, but—he wasn't faster than Glynda.

wait it’s the former i forgot cinder’s gay nvm

“Cinder. I mean it. I want to talk.” Sienna’s face revealed nothing. Her gaze stayed fixed on Cinder, as if she were searching for something.

What it could be, Cinder had her guesses, and all of them repulsed her utterly. She spat, “Well, I was only planning on sending your Lieutenant’s head to you in a box signed Love Cinder, so I didn’t really come with a speech prepared.”

SDHJGHJGSKFD SORRY IM LIKE. tryna liveblog but im also just :EYES: at everything here.......... im SO PUMPED for this cause im just SO CURIOUS,,,,,, WE’VE HAD SO MANY SNIPPETS,,,,,,,,, BUT IM HONGRY FOR MORE,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

that said i feel like cinder’s the type of person who revisits arguments in her head hours later with new, better points, so i think she does have a speech prepared. in fact i think she has many words stored up in the ol’ meatspace, and all of them are very rude,

The Sienna Khan that Cinder remembered still had baby-fat in her cheeks and hadn’t learned to keep her thoughts off her face. The one she saw now had weaponized distance.

/stage whisper hang on that visual is cute dont put it in HERE where the TENSION IS

Quietly, Sienna went for her belt, pulling away something the same polished silver as her whip. It might have been an arrow tip, except that it was lethally barbed and looked like it had been modified to chamber Dust. Pale blue glinted within it.

Cinder darkened. "Ice Dust?"

sienna: i wanna talk sienna: with violence!

GOD ITS REAL INTERESTING CAUSE,,,,,,,,,, THERE’S A LOT HAPPENING HERE. glynda didnt Know cinder in any sense so we’ve very much been on the ‘let’s figure cinder out with glynda’ train like the whole. the rain! and the desert! etc! all very much thru the lens of glynda ‘i dont remember shit’ goodwitch! so now we have seinna who Knows Shit cause there’s so much history here and im like blease wait talk more first i want the KNOWLEDGE

[...] "Roman Torchwick is holed up in Vytal with your warehouses, and those two teens haven’t been sighted in months... But you wouldn't send them that far north, would you?”

“I wouldn’t send them anywhere you could get your claws in them.”

“The White Fang isn’t like that anymore. We don’t strong-arm children into our ranks. That girl—the snake Faunus—”

“If you say one more word about her,” Cinder said. “I’m going to do something drastic to every single person here.”

ACTUALLY TALK LESS TALK LESS LETS FIGHT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! AND NOT TALK!!!!!!!! A T A L L

Sienna's shoulders leveled. "This is not Hróðvitnir's White Fang anymore."

me: huh why do i recognise that name,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, me: oh yeah!!!!!!! that bitch,

HJGDSJKHGFDS we Love a homage to a classic au and to a cinder so good that id die for her. i mean id die for this cinder too but like that was another level of Die For. anyway. back to the au at hand,

“If I didn’t know better, I might believe you," Cinder snapped, and her old scars throbbed in tandem. “But I do know better. I found one of your parasites, sucking the life out of a town near the wastes. Bringing the White Fang’s protection. You should have seen how he protected them. There wasn't a child there without a fang or an antler missing."

hang on a sec, lets LEAP BACK in time for just a moment

okay so i nipped back to chapter five for just a hot second to see if there was a line that was particular pertinent, but also i found smthng else...

Violence collected at her twitching fingers, old scars across her body flaring with phantom pain. (Chapter 5)

“If I didn’t know better, I might believe you," Cinder snapped, and her old scars throbbed in tandem. (Chapter 20)

HM,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, man. cinder. you got real fucked up huh. ANYWAY THAT WASNT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR I JUST LINED THE CONTINUITY (because im jealous). what i was ACTUALLY looking for was THIS:

There would be another overseer, the inhabitants would resume their harried lives, and Cinder wouldn’t spare this town a second thought.

i said at the time in an emotional fit of pain that this was a straight-up lie but cinder is nothing if not a melting pot of emotional reckoning, and I WAS RIGHT. LET IT BE INSCRIBED UNTO THE STONES!!!! SHE DID SPARE IT A SECOND THOUGHT!!!!!!!! HELD IN HER MIND LONG ENOUGH TO RECALL THE DETAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST 2 SPIT IT IN SIENNA’S FACE!!!!!!!!! im telling you that cinder has SO MUCH MORE GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!! and heres my PROOF. PROOF OF WHY SHES AN ANGEL (ONLY ON TUESDAYS THOUGH [10AM-1PM])!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then: "Why don't you say," Sienna responded slowly, her expression slotting into place like a bullet chambering, "precisely what you mean, Cinder."

"Fuck you."

:’3c

cinder has such a way with words. i love her eloquence. remember that time glynda thought she was taking the piss out of the fact she was autistic at dinner? cinder yr a maestro. never change.

“You brought Beowolves to heel. You could turn a Goliath with a word!"

“I had—no—Aura! Nothing to protect me!”

:eyes: :thinking:

HM,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, INTERESTING??????? i feel like this is the first time we’ve heard of cinder w/o aura implicitly? unless im Stupit and dont remember a Got Dang Thing but HUH. does this. hm. huh. am i stupid. someone tell me if i missed a thing.

“This isn’t a diplomatic mission, Cinder. I simply wanted to know what their lives were worth to you—before we wipe our hands of each other for good.”

“That’s a funny way of saying only one of us is walking away from this.”

GOD,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i LOVE this scene a lot the interplay between sienna and cinder is absolutely PEAK,,,,,,,, PEAQUE,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, im rly enjoying this. also im dying. but im enjoy it a LOT.

“The White Fang you and I grew up in doesn't exist anymore. We’re changing. But you… When did you stop caring? Was it when you cut your horns to be one of them instead?"

Dragonfire scorched Cinder's lungs, blackening every word: "I was never—your—people."

feels like its been a good goddamn whilst since i got to do one of these 👈😎👈, so let’s savour the moment

👈👈👈👈👈👈😎👈👈👈👈👈👈

aaaaaand savoured. lets continue.

Shaking with the effort of holding her strike, Sienna grit, "I won't relish this."

And Cinder howled, "I will!”

ah shit i shouldve said lets RELISH this to tie the whole theme together and-- and fuck it, combat scene. never good at liveblogging these. sdfjhgsdfghj

Gunfire sparked against her, but she honed in on him with single-minded intent, the kind she’d whetted to a razor’s edge against Glynda.

for a chapter following cinder escaping glynda, she’s thought about her TWICE now. huh. huh. interesting. gay. and interesting,,,,,,

It was nothing like fighting Glynda. This was bleak and repetitive: the second drove forward and Sienna covered his openings, stopping Cinder before she could rip his heart from his chest, and all the while, the gunfire whittled away at her Aura. It was a joyless tactic, no flair or heart, and yet—

HUH. GAY AND INTERESTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO FLAIR OR HEART,,,,,,,,,, i cant believe every time they fought cinder was actually just doing a shit job of flirting. the more you know.

The world erupted into flames. They grew massive, swirling around her like a hurricane—Cinder’s Aura exploded outward in desperation, like a dying star defiantly spending the last of itself on a supernova; one final flare, brighter than entire galaxies, if only for a single moment. Cinder felt flashes of bright pain through her muscles as if the fire was burning her from inside.

MAN,,,,,,,,,,,,, I COULD TALK ABT SOME UH,,,,,,,,,,,,, well. i could talk abt a few things here. but theyre kinda 👈😎👈 so i WONT,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but kno that i am having some Thoughts on the matter. hm.

“Prove it!” Death was thrumming in her veins. It had never made her brave before. It did now, the memory of Glynda’s blind, resolute stare heady in her skull. “Come and prove it! Do it, or I’ll hunt you to your last, miserable breath, Sienna!”

so remember when glynda had her little outburst at winter and i said that i love how cinder rubbed off on glynda in the worst way? i cant believe glynda ALSO rubbed off on cinder ALSO in the WORST WAY!!!! this is how u know this truly is a soulmates thing.

“It’s a shame you outgrew your swords, Cinder Fall. I would have taken them as a trophy,”

it’s with great disappointment that i must say: i agree with adam. the swords were hot. they should come back.

Sienna’s footsteps were whispers at Cinder’s back. The trap was closing. Cinder pooled flame in one palm. The other hand was useless, limp at her side. Impotent rage tasted like blood in her mouth. “I don’t even remember your fucking name.”

HJGKDSFKJHGFSDJDHGF GOD IM SORRY BUT THIS MADE ME LAUGH. WHAT A LINE. WHAT A LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i may actually have to draw this scene that image is SO wonderful. just cinder, staggering, exhausted, and she still manages to just spit that out. im screaming. shes a champion. i think she won this battle literally just there pack it up her burns come in more flavours than one.

Beneath Cinder, Hati turned, scanning for an escape, but she didn’t drop Sienna’s gaze. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she said, “I’m told I’m something of a menace.”

firstly: AAAAAAAAA HATI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BABY BOY OH NO THATS NO GOOD BAD TIMES AWFUL FEELS MY GUY!!!!!!!!!!!! secondly: CINDER THESE ZINGERS ARE UNREAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUS CHRIST. I KNEW YOU LIED WHEN YOU DIDNT HAVE A SPEECH HOW MUCH MATERIAL HAVE YOU GOT IN THERE?????????

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

WAIT WHAT HANG ON

WHAT

WAIT

W H AT

okay wait hold on lets dial back i read ahead and dint live blog wait rthereghsdfgjhdffd HOLD ON

Cinder buried her face in Hati’s mane, hating them, hating, hating, hating. Black ichor clotted in Hati’s fur, tacky against her palms. Grimm didn’t have Auras to protect them, and exit wounds riddled Hati’s mighty body. Cinder’s heart lurched with fury. She could have screamed.

i read this bit and got STRESSED because hati is PEAK like hati didnt even fucking SHOW UP in og but i LOVE HIM and i knew shit would happen because its fucking offal hunt BUT

It should have been impossible at this distance, but Cinder could feel her gaze like traded blows, even nestled among the black of Hati’s pelt.

Sienna’s eyes shone like coins. They were cool, detached. Prepared.

She twisted her wrist and the whip flickered through the air in tight wheels. Its end glittered pale blue.

UH OH

Adrenaline cooled to permafrost in Cinder’s body, as though the Dust had already found its home between her ribs.

Cinder whispered, “Don’t.”

UH OH

Expressionless, Sienna gave a wide lash, and the jagged end of her whip released with a click. Silver sliced through the air, then through feathers and fur, with a sickening sound—wet and meaty as the arrowhead dagger buried itself deep into flesh. Hati’s whole body shuddered and Cinder only had a moment more before ice exploded from his ribs, ripping out through his pelt, even slicing into Cinder’s own skin. It speared him from deep inside, where the cartridge had sunk, impaling everything and rending him asunder.

JESUS JESUS CHRIST AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

JESUS CHRIST WHAT A VISCERAL DEATH SCENE HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O H N O T H A T S A N O G O O D V E R Y B A D T I M E

Cinder’s stomach jumped into her throat, and she held on tight to Hati, her bastion, her sanctuary, her family—held on tight like it would make any difference at all—like she could hold her family together with just her own two hands.

Hati dissolved right between her fingertips, and she plummeted alone.

like she could hold her family together with just her own two hands

OUGH what the FUCK

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HEY THIS. HEY THIS SUCKED HEY THIS WAS A BAD CHAPTER WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS HATI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EXCUSE ME????????? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?????????? HELLO??????????? WHAT THE FUCK????????? SIENNA???????? BITCH?????????? GO TO H E L L

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[coolingdownanddrawing]

heres some idea’s for redesigns along with some bulletpoints on what I was thinking for story stuff involving remaking the series

Im having trouble reading off the screenshots so Im gonna write it out under the cut along with probably adding some ideas or expanding on the bullet lists (future me here: I wrote a Lot)

Sam Manson:

-Rich Activist, meaning she’s kinda blind to some troubles going on or doesnt full understand how others are doing financially, along with being raised in a house with people who arnt exactly empathetic and more focused on appearances then worker rights, sam can come off as shallow to others doing activist work.

 it could be a really interesting character arc for her to realize some of the things going on outside of her school and plants that she can help with, along with dealing with that sense of helplessness she feels at being to normal to help anyone she expresses in the show.

-Goth, but cheery? One thing i noticed in the show is how overall cheerful sam can come off while toting goth ideal’s, which may be a part of why she isnt shown to have many goth friends with them seeing her more as a poser becouse their teenagers and teenager Be like that sometimes.

 It’s not a problem in my book but it could be fun to see tucker or danny question it when in goth spaces and sam basically saying the truth that you dont have to be miserable to enjoy dark subject matter. maybe with tucker and danny getting a small interest in some of the “lesser” goth stuff sam introduces to them.

-fights everyone, becouse teenager with boundless energy and Ghosts attacking all the time. sam didnt fight much in the original series and thats a shame.

-facinated by ghost, becouse duh

-I was kinda thinking of her and tucker being introduced by them competing for class president, becouse that seem’s like a position both would be interested in and it be more interesting then having tucker face dash

Tucker Foley

-Likes to influence others is a general statment, but its true tucker likes to be involved in other peoples lives and generally have his oppinion affect people in possitive (or negative) ways. he likes seeing that his involvment matters and he suffers when people ignore him or take his oppinions for granted and id love to see stuff centered around this trait

-level 1 leader/planner, sorta connected to the influencing people thing I think tucker really would thrive in leadership roles that danny just isnt suited to handling, big mobs of people and sam on his side and he is a force to be recond with. Tucker thrives in getting big groups of people to side with him esspecially since technology profficientcy isnt a sign of weakness in this day and age. 

plus him working on his public speaking lines up with his motivation of wanting to be attactive to ladies. 

also Having him working on public speaking stuff and general people person scenario’s gives a lot of reason for the group to interact with the A listers in a less hostile scenario

-tech god I guess, becouse tucker foley

Dan Phantom

-Incarnation of discomfort being the unintentional (At least the first time) fusion of a stubborn 14 year old and his crazy 40 year old father figure with very different morals and oppinions makes existing very, very akward for dan, but great comedy fodder!

-dan is able to have legs or a ghostly tail whenever he pleases unlike vlad or danny, becouse I figured it be a good way to make fights more interesting and their fighting styles different becouse I want more vlad involvement and having  them be extra different types of ghosts makes watching either of them fight much more interesting

-wishes to not exist, esspecially in the presense of either danny or vlads love interests becouse WOW thats akward

-WAAAAY more powerful then danny and vlad, partially becouse making dan a final everything is going to hell desperate final action for danny and vlad would make dan’s appearances more interesting but also becouse of difference’s about vlad plasmius and danny phantom I will talk about when I get to them. 

Dan Discomfort Masters

-“Vlad’s nephew” becouse if you’re meeting this guy stuff has gone horrible wrong on the de-fusing front  and he needs a reason to be in either fenton on masters house hold to get whatever he needs to fix the ghost catcher 

- big ol liar pant’s, partially becouse danny and vlad are Huge Liars but also becouse of the whole, I need shit to stop existing 

-Trying to keep it together becouse he’s probably made to interact with people vlad and danny have Opinions On and honestly he cant decide if he wants to viciously prank jack at every oppertunity or punch himself for thinking of being mean to jack, among other such mixed feelings.

Vlad Masters

-Certified genius due to a number of thing’s including his obession, and becouse being smarter then jack makes him happy and if jack ever expressed interest in a subject He Must Be Better, he might not be trying to kill jack becouse he doesnt want to deal with a ghost hunter ghost for who knows how long but he wont be lesser then jack in ANYTHING.

-fruitloop, still has some backwards logic and morals such as having valarie become a ghost hunter to offer a sparring buddy to danny and whats a better motive to shoot at someone then they ruined their life right but he’s generally such a over the top bird brain trying to show off to everyone that fruitloop is the only description he can be given.

-less evil is a Big Thing, he’s still objectively not a very good man but I want him and danny working together and sharing a roof on the weekends but that means not shooting first and asking questions later on site, so a less evil vlad is needed, plus it just generally makes there interactions more fun and less dangerous which is what im going for, since walker can take over a lot of vlads antagonist role in the story plus danny and vlad making agreements to get stuff out of eachother sounds like a hell of a lot of fun, i liked eye for and eye vlad sue me.

- as a side not I want vlad to be a lot less physically fit and practiced with doing things as a human, seeing him as a man who lords his power over others when he can he prefers relaxing and working as plasmius more then masters, which affects his health and serves a purpose in story for a lesson id like made after watching phantom planet last night

Vlad Plasmius

-loving guardian in that he really, really does want to be a good father and mentor figure to danny even if their relationship is rocky due to long standing lies he’s been feeding him and how tight a grip vlad has on his familys financial health. as well as the whole snatching partial costody as soon as costudy was called into question after dannys accident (Ill get to that) vlad’s babysat in the past for the fenton which is part of it, along with his desire to be better at jack in every aspect.

-great implorer, in which he likes to get minions when he can and usually only grumbles if his minions already have plans when he calls for them, pays great by ghost zone and human standards and usually offers a full health plan, though skulkers case that full health plans is for when he gets his head up his ass and thinks he can actually get either danny or vlads pelt, one of skulkers suits is on vlads lab wall with a nice hole where its face should be as a reminder to those who cross him.

-only legs,  meaning he uses 100% more kicks and ground based attacks then danny and can kick below the bet where danny cant, this plus his fire core making him have to get creative lest he burn his surroundings to the ground has him fighting in a very different way to danny, along with his 20 years of experience. vlad tends to fight ghosts with less reason to leave the ghost zone, and invading lairs to get what he wants, leading to more serious encounters then what danny faces in the begining.

-loves dramatics, becouse vlad plasmius everybody he’s a cookyier villian here

-less evil and more ruthless and efficient to those who get in his way, that arnt who percieves as family 

-Plasmius’s obsession is teaching people lessons, in all the good and horrible ways that can imply. halfa’s have more broad and less restrictive obsessions then other ghosts which makes them more dangerous and able to ammas power.

Danny Fenton

-Fenton works heir, which is played up a lot more in this with vlad backing his family and giving them chances to disgrace themselves on public telivision and get shamed out of wherever their currently living, leading them on a series of moves throughout dannys life before amity park show off their inventions to the world! Since Jazz aggressively refused the role it fell on danny and he actually takes it pretty seriously, believing as a little bab in ghosts and being convinced of their evil from a young age by his parents which you can only imagine does great things for him when he becomes a halfa and learns unkie vlad is one as well.

-has been haunted by the creepy ghost boy title his whole like due to his situation and the fact he is usually made to assist in showing off his parents weapons publicly as a apprentice ghost hunter, one such invention was the fenton portal that had a wire loose during the presentation, when he went in and put it back the doors automatically shut him in and jack and maddie didnt notice he was in there still until the screaming started, this led to some public outcry over weather jack and maddie are fit to raise kids and vlad swooping in for partial costudy of both fenton children “to ease the masses, and besides he’s basically helped raise them anyway whats garenteed weekends at one of vlads places going to do?”  it was a sucky situation.

-bad reputation due to general protectiveness of his parents along with terrible social skills, along with his new trouble of hiding and controlling emerging ghost powers.He doesnt leave a initial good impression on sam and tucker when he first meets them as fenton, and people tend to avoid him to keep away from his parents wierdness anyhow.

-is less good in the traditional sense but wants to keep people safe and happy if he can help it, though its argueable if thats simply a manifestation of his obsession or if its just becouse he’s a sweet kid, once he gets it into his head that ghosts arnt always evil he tries really hard to be nice to ghost too and even tries to save them from his parents when he can. putting his neck out for them.

Danny Phantom

-just wants a lair is a shorthand for wanting to just experience regular ghost things when he’s going ghost, he’s less inclined to fight every ghost he see’s unless their actively hurting people and tries to talk them down, not wanting his afterlife filled with enemies when he officially keels over. 

he has big dreams for a super cool lair of his own that are explored upon the one time he’s split apart by the ghost catcher, mostly becouse phantom rips the  door to his room from its hinges and zooms into the ghost zone as soon as he’s out, found aimlessly wondering helplessly looking for the PERFECT location to start building. he tends to day dream about the lair of his dreams in class.

-no leg’s leading to more air combat and trying to immobalize people with his tail, usually fighting fairly though with his moments of cheap shots in partiicularly deadly battles,, he usually fights people like johnny 13 who mess with people then he does generally harmless ghosts like box ghost in the begining, plus with his in development abilities that include a versatile ice core his fights are more strategy  then sheer beat down or creative weapon making (or heating whatever metal the ghost is wearing to the point of insanity) 

Danny also has this little problem where he “died” in a anti ghost hazmat suit made of stuff to weaken and harm a ghost who comes in contact with jack and maddies little boy and it means its harder on him to access his powers, taking more energy to do things that most ghost would find easy like intangibilty and invisibility, which is a major problem for him esspecially at first, danny’s only made aware of this though vlads help and their working on a way to trick the hazmat suit into changing material with what danny was wearing under the suit, since its being difficult with changing on dannys command, he can put stuff over and under the suit but the suit itself is hard to make budge.  the outfit shown above is after danny learns how to at least add stuff over it with vlads help.

dan does not have problem’s with the material of his costume making him have access to all dannys abilities easily, along with vlads experience and power and dannys creative thinking dan gets the nickname of the ultimate enemy with good reason

- Loves exploring, esspecially the ghost zone its so interesting and full of enteraining characters and the food is Amazing at least in ghost form and vlad’s show him some pretty incredible places in the zone when they agree to work together in the sense of vlad stealing madde and jacks thermoses at the end of fenton fights and danny helping him spelunk in the ghost zone,  its a guilty pleasure to be able to show sam and tucker around when they become friends, natural portals are a tempation danny has a hard time ignoring when he see’s one, much to his loved ones annoyance.  wolf is a terrible enablr of a friend.

- due to his obession with proving himself (its the wording i go with now i might change it to something like control or being loved) danny tends to want people to like him and seeing a opertunity to get them to like him sorta throws him off balance and out of fight mode, usually leading to him cuddling up to them, in phantom form dannys a great cuddler. take caution though he’s been known to trick enemys into thinking he’s gone out of fight mode and either shove them into the nearest portal/thurmos or later freezing them where they stand.  dannys terrible with crowds, esspecially crowds of people who dont like him he freezeses up.

Danny to-tired-to-function (school and not working with parents danny)

-cant wait to to graduate, with no plans to go to college becouse he’s not paying for more hell

-is really in a bad place socially and mentally in the begining, but will become a lot happier once he befriends sam and tucker, though before that he tends to do some pretty desperate and embarrasing things to get attention and has a problem with letting people drag him into trouble on the promise of friendship.

Danny’s Chore’s list:

-deadly laundry with ectoplasm contaminated laundry machines to content with

-helping whoever wants to cook, cook, or being in charge of dinner most nights unless someone else wants to cook (breakfast is jazz’s job, maddie and jack are gently discouraged from cooking, jazz and danny usually or use to just grab take out for lunch if they had time)

-cleaning the lab

-dishes with ecto contaminated dishwasher are always a little dangerous damn appliances and their wills to reak havoc, jazz likes to help make sure it doesnt hurt anyone since its more dangerous then the laundry machines

-assembling weapons with parents for the vault, or incase of a huge ghost invasion so everyone has a chance at a weapon, danny usually just assembles the less dangerous stuff that doesnt require a lot of welding

-general house maintense, vacuuming and window cleaning while jazz mops and dusts 

-jazz cleans the weapons vault after learning dannys secret becouse its a lot less dangerous for her then for him and hes infinitly grateful

AND DONE thats some of my thoughts on what could be done with a re design of the characters and story beats listed, im tired of writing now but enjoyed getting this out

[voidsfanficfortress]

Night Out

-Its not like we'll burn the whole place!-Sardonyx said as she walks with sugalite , dragonbreath and obsidian-We just want some burgers and a desert, then a dessert and by 10 we are home!-

-Just be careful, there are still renegade gems from homeworld, I recently heard of two lapis wreaking havoc on a nerby planet-

- then- Suga says snatching the phone off of Donnie's hand - lock yourselves up, stay away from the beach-

-But why?- you hear black jet from the back.

-Do you have it on speaker?- suga asks.

-Yeah, im cooking ,BD went to put the table-

-Excuse me- sardonyx takes back the phone with a scowl- the reason why you cant stay near the beaches its because lapis' control water,they are terraforming gems-

They hear a soft ooooooh, as gericho cuts the food.

-Oh okay cool ,If anything comes up call me-

-of course hun,dont worry your little head about it-donnie said.Then they hear a chuckle and the call ends- you really had to snatch the phone away from me huh!-

-I know a lot more than another gems than you do donnie, no ofense-

-Well,the lapis' functions are common knowledge!-

-okay kids calm down- obsidian steps in , and separates both gems- its night out, lets enjoy it, tomorrow we Will help G with the remodelations of the house, so behave-

-Wait,you serious?, thought suga was the only one working tomorrow!-sean complains.

-you know that from all the things In the world, Sugalite can do, building stuff is not her strongest bullet-sardonyx says, trying to rile up sugalite, with a smirk.

-you- the purple gem says- need to shut the fuck up-

Obsidian lets out and exasperated sigh as they enter the restaurant.Surprisingly there are more gems, a couple of Quartz, some amethyst, even some peridots!.

{...}

Gericho was casually strolling down the beach, the gems were already coming back.

All the peace in her thoughts is blown away by a gigant water monster.

The human gasps and tries to run away, but the sea caught her, and even tho she struggels to get free nothing comes out of it.

{...}

Me and the rest of the gems were going back home, sean had a box with leftovers plus a little treat for G, meanwhile sardonyx and obsidian were talking.

But my mind wasnt at ease, something told me the lapislazulis Will come here sooner or later.

I cant stand them,always so delicate, shaming every pearl in existence.

But my fears became true as soon as we set foot on the yard.

I dont think twice , taking out my maze, I jump right in, and attack, the Next I hear is a cracking sound, then silence.

The other lapis seems to shut down, the monster dissolves and I catch gericho.

But then I realize , I cracked a gem, I start to freak out....

What have I done?!

{...}

Sugalite cries her eyes out, as black diamond just eye rolls, BD has already fixed the lapis and ran her off.

-Honey?, honeybee look at me- sardonyx says taking sugalite's four hands- its alright, you didnt mean it-

-I coulda had --

-Shatter them?-Gericho gives her a cup of tea, sitting besides her- I wouldnt judge you, I know you are very emotionally driven-the human rests her head on the gems shoulder- But you didnt, so nothings wrong..-

-sometimes- black jet says, making eye contact with sugalite- sometimes in the heat of the moment we do stuff without thinking...-jet takes out a box- Here is my diamonds black pearl...I...I shattered her in a battle of jealousy, to this day, I regret it but I moved on , you should to the same-

-Oh darling...- suga says as jet puts back the box, then she hugs her- im sorry-

-Dont be, I learned from it,I Wont judge you-

Then you hear someone snapping a photo.

-SEAN I SWEAT TA GOD, DELETE THAT PR YOULL BE THE NEXT ONE TO BE SHATTERED!-

Suga and sean start to run around.

-at least she got over it...-jet whispers looking at the box- goodnight pearl..-

{....}

The end.

-Void

[b-ap]

[181117] B.A.P Forever Tour in Philadelphia - Highlight of my Life

This was really one of the best concerts I’ve ever gone to. Despite being skeptical of JSJ from the beginning, I was still willing to risk it and buy the tickets. I was debating for a while to drop $400 or not for m&g but when you think about it, it was only $30 per photo with each of the boys (+ a hat, hoodie, and whistle) so that’s HELLA worth it.  So I dropped nearly $600 for this concert but for real it was SO worth it. I was even willing to go down by bus all by myself and possibly wandering the streets of philly late at night for it but luckily was able to catch a ride! 

These two BABYz gave out numbers from the very beginning like they marked down if you were plat or baby package and in the end JSJ and fans actually honored them! It was really great cuz we were able to leave the line to go to the bathroom or get food! BABYz around me were so nice and friendly too ;u; When it was time to go in to soundcheck and for the concert, we all actually got in order! It was REALLY nice like wow thank you philly babyz!! We were let in a little late for soundcheck cuz apparently bap was doing some kind of interview?? As for soundcheck, it was sooOOOoooOOO good!!! They kinda mixed up plat and baby but oh well whatever I still got like 3rd row so *^* WOOHOO! The stage was up really high and the venue was quite small, but philly crowd’s passion was explosive and powerful!! At the beginning of soundcheck Zelo kept like peeking out from the backstage door *^* they were ODing the fog machine so you could only see silhouettes at the door sometimes OTL. Daehyun was the first to come out! He came in this big puffer jacket and had earphones and and was smiling so cutely!! That wonderful wonderful kitty smile!! OH MY HEART PLEASE HAVE MERCY!! And then the others came out! <3 Zelo was wearing like PJ pants lmao the same one he wore in that IG pic of him in the truck, jongup was wearing leather (i think.....), himchan wore the tour hoodie, and youngjae wore a long coat. BUT YEAH the first song they did was TMJ and the crowd was hella LIT!!! Like everyone was singing their lungs out and jumping and being really really excited! We all started jamming out hardcore at the very first note of TMJ and I just knew it was about to be epic. BAP was sooo happy!! They really enjoyed it as well!  And then they did DWIF and omfg daehyun was soooo cute cuz we were so loud during the OH!! part that he was like :O!!!!! and gave us two thumbs up!! The others were really happy too!! And then Zelo was controlling the crowd with his hands LOL like he was making us go side to side like a wave and then jongup was doing this weird dance too lmaooo we hyped up each other so much! It was soo much fun ;A; too bad we couldn’t record but JSJ got a ( video )~!! Like just listen to BABYz singing along at the beginning!! ( dh shocked at 0:41, thumbs up at 0:51)

We had to go back outside again after the concert and that’s when the line got a little messy since now there was also GA peeps and the sidewalk is only so big to fit like 3 different lines. But it worked out in the end and we got in order!! AND YA GIRL GOT FCKN 2ND ROW HEEEEEEEEELLLL YEAHH!! I had a GREAT view!! There was actually quite a lot of space and like NO pushing!! (except this one bishhhh but whatever that’s another story -.- i’ll delete her from my memory) But wow pit was fCKN great like wow the fanchants!! The whistles!! NO PUSHING!! LIKE WHAT WOOOW I LOVE YOU (this was an all standing venue btw). When we were waiting for the concert to start, they played a bunch of their songs and everyone was scream-singing the lyrics (well more like trying to LOL we can’t korean) We had our own bap concert with an empty stage lmaooo 

AND AHHHH BAP WAS SOOOO GOOD AT FANSERVICE!!! Himchan noticed me like several times i fucking cRy!! He looked and waved at mee TWICE and like gestured to focus on zelo for recording and taking pics when it was his part AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Like last year he saw me struggling in pit (cuz that was HELL) and looked worried I CRY and he smiled at me too huuuhuuu himchan youre a fckn angel I LOVE YOU!!! I made a half heart at daehyun and hE FCKN COMPLETED IT I WAS ABOUT TO FCKN DIE RIGHT THEN AND THERE LIKE !!!!!!!!!!!! JOngup threw so many hearts and kisses at the crowd and youngjae blew so many kisses!! They were waving as much as possible to fans and daehyun, bless his heart, kept saying thank you!!thank you!! at any chance he could get!

During Q&A, bap spent the longest time arguing about harry potter houses pmsl and then yj was just like idk i never watched it (shame on you bro) and then himchan was like EXPECTRO PATRONUM!! (nerrRRRddddd). Jongup said he was fckn Dobby like bruH thats not even a house!!! YJ was like forget this!! and said, “PASS!!” Himchan said that he was Slytherin and then jongup said that Himchan would be fkcn Snape and did this dramatic coat sweeping straightening up his back thing LOL so himchan said Jongup would be a muggle pmsl Zelo did like a broom riding imitation??? irdk.... Next question was what was your favorite song that you’ve ever made. Jongup answered Photo and sang a little of it (so then where is the studio version biiSHHHhh) but lol BABYz were like SEXY CLAP!!!!!! Youngjae pulled out a question, looked at it and was like NOPE! and put it back pmsl! The next question was what tricks can Mochii do and then youngjae was frckn like body slamming zelo and jongup lmaooo. Zelo was sooooo cute he was telling the story of how Mochii bit in all in English!! He said how he was eating and was struggling to explain that Mochii was under the table so BABYz were helping him! He said that he dropped cheese and then Mochii went to eat it but Zelo tried to stop him. Mochii bit and and then Zelo was like “ooh! bloood! my dog is ...wildlife” but the way he said blood was soo cute like the oo in moon instead of “blud”  This sweet precious boy!! His English was so good!!!! The next question was to sing happy birthday to a BABY named Jenny (wow you LUCKY girl im sooo jelly omfg). So Zelo sings her hbd really dramatically lmao and they give her their sweaty towel and Zelo gave her a water bottle too!! They’re so sweet!!!!!!! 

During their other talk segment, Youngjae was like since our tour in america, philly has been the most passionate! So we all SCREAMED and cheered like crazy! Daehyun was like hold up!! AGAIN! and went to grab a phone. He made us all scream and cheer again so he could record it. The boys kept gesturing to scream louder and more and were totally enjoying the cheers! I hope we conveyed our love for them well enough!! Also Daehyun release that footage soon pls!!! He told us we did a good job screaming lmaoo! Youngjae kept making sounds for us to repeat lmao like ooOOoooo (idk how to describe it LOL) and then was like “maestro!” when trying to silence us with his fingers like a conductor LOL but we kept screaming things LOL someone was like “this is my first kpop concert!!” so youngjae was like “sounds good!” and gave a thumbs up. Jongup also did the conductor thing hahahah Daehyun promised to come back again next year and I REALLY REALLY hope that they do!!!! 

The solos were beyond amazing. Like rewatching youngjae and daehyun’s solos made me tear up like how do such beautiful voices exist in this world? Did I really hear those ethereal voices in real life? It was sooo mesmerizing and breathtaking! Youngjae’s gorgeous baritone voice singing that smooth ballad huuuhuuu my heEArt!!! Daehyun’s heartwrenchingly beautiful voice, song, and lyrics wow let me just lie down and drown in my tears rn bYE! DaeUp’s duet was so cool, Jongup’s TML was perfect as usual, Zelo’s solo was sinful oh my those hip and that peach *blushes* it was suuuper fun and Zelo enjoyed it a LOT too!!! He lifted up his shirt!! 

THEN IT WAS M&G TIME!!! They set up the background right in front of the stage. We lined up to go in and bap was standing like: jongup, youngjae, daehyun, himchan, zelo! It was plat individual photos first, then baby group + hi-touch, then plat group + hi-touch. BABYz really went for it!! Like a lot of us got hugs! We were able to watch the whole m&g but they didnt let us have our phones out ;A; (and I also had used up all 6.5 GB of space on my phone OTL) BAP were SOOOOOOOO sweet UGH we stan literal ANGELS!! They love BABYz so fricken much!! JSJ was sooo nice to allow a lot of fan interactions AHHHHHHHH BAP did a lot of cute poses and played around with BABYz! LEt mE TELL YOU THAT BAP IS SERIOUSLY SOOOO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL, HANDSOME, GORGEOUS, STUNNING, MESMERIZING, UP CLOSE HOW DID MY HEART EVEN SURVIVE?????? I GOT TO BEAR HUG EVERYONEEEE THEYRE ALL SO TALL AND IM HELLA SMOL SO THEY HAD TO SQUAT DOWN FOR ME HUUHUU THYE LIKE PATTED MY BACK DURING THE HUGS TOO AHHHHHH WE HAD A DECENT AMOUNT OF TIME WITH ALL OF THEM!!! I TOLD DAEHYUN I SAW HIM IN KOREA IN ASU AND HE WAS LIKE OOOOOH THANK YOU!!! CURSES TO MY TINY AF VOICE CUZ I DONT THINK THEY ALL EVEN REALLY HEARD WHAT I SAID SOMETIMES!!! I told Zelo he was too tall for me lmaooo I really wanna see how much he had to bend down for me! I seriously wished that my m&g was recorded but :((((((((((( After my m&g I legit squealed and hugged my friend lmao but the staff yelled at us for being too loud LMAO BUT GIRL WE JUST HUGGED FCKN KINGS LIKE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We tried to contain ourselves as much as possible LOL Daehyun said thank you out loud to a lot of BABYz after their m&g! Zelo kept dabbing at BABYz lmaooo a lot of them didnt notice tho cuz he would do it after they had already passed him HAHAHA when it was my hi-touch I dabbed at Zelo hahah and he dabbed back :D I wanted to get a group hug from them but i got too excited and FUCKING FORGOT to ask for a group hug *kicks myself* Now I wish I had written my name on a name tag (like “HI I’M JUNIE”) and hope they wouldve said “HI JUNIE”  but I didnt OTL 

I really wish I could relive the whole day. I wish I was able to record my m&g and got a group hug or them to say my name or I had said something more to them but it’s ok my heart is very very happy and I love bap soo much. My 7 year love for them continues and I will really love them forever. Let’s meet again soon, my loves! I’m looking forward to then~! 

[gemder]

no readmore sorry, its 3am and im introspective and on mobile (pls like if u read!)

ive been thinking a lot lately about how far ive come and how much further i have to go as my 21st birthday gets closer. ive been on tumblr since i was 14 so a lot of the hardest moments in my life have been documented; my mom's relapse, my cat cheddar's death, the toxic homes both of my parents created, my brother being put into foster care. there is no forgetting my past this way and i dont plan to.

im in a much better place at age 20 than i thought i ever would be. for a long time i didnt even think id be alive to see 20. im always tried and stressed and overworked now, havent had a day off since april and just started working 6 days a week now that my semester is over, but im not terrified to come home at the end of the day. seeing a message notification from my mom or my brother doesnt put me on the verge of a panic attack anymore. my dad no longer terrifies me, and i dont have to walk on eggshells for fear of how he might react anymore. my debit card doesnt decline when i order off of the McDonalds value menu anymore. i dont have to worry about not being able to afford a single pair of shoes to wear every day. no one shames me for eating anymore, and im coming to actually care about what i put in my body instead of scrambling to get anything at all. i finished high school on my own terms, two full years late, with no "handouts" like my dad still claims. i love what i study in university and actually care about succeeding. i make an effort to go out and hang with friends and participate in life. every night i come home sweaty, tired, and covered in alfredo sauce to a sweet, fluffy cat who chirps and loves to cuddle. my life isnt perfect by any means but it's finally mine and not just a byproduct of everything happening around me.

im still depressed; that was a gift passed down through generations of my fathers family that i was just lucky enough to inherit. but i dont get the urge to down the nearest bottle of pills when something goes wrong anymore. im still stressed; im in college and only 20 and still figuring it all out, but im not raising my brother by myself and trying to check my mother's breath for alcohol all the time. i still live pretty close to the poverty line; but my bills get paid, i keep myself and my cat fed, and i havent set foot in a soup kitchen since i lived with my mother.

when I was 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 and my mother came home drunk every other night. when i was 11 and she was diagnosed with cancer. when i was 14 and 15 and my father tried to kill himself (and again). when i was 15 and 16 and family services tried to remove me from the house. when i was 17 and i watched my father beat my brother one morning before school the day after i almost went to the medicine cabinet to end all my troubles for good. when i watched him move from safehouse to safehouse to foster placement later that year. when therapists asked me what id rather life be like instead (to which my immediate answer would always just be "not this.") this is what i imagined. living in a cozy apartment, studying what i love, spending time with my friends, enjoying the time i do spend with my family, being stressed out and exhausted from my job but not minding so much at the end of the day. this is where i had always hoped i would be and i dont think ive fully taken the time to appreciate that yet.

it really does get better. no matter what you're going through, what you've been through. you've already been through so much, theres no shame in getting help to last a bit longer because you are so worth it. you are always worth it. you deserve so much better; existing alone makes you worthy of happiness. please hold on until you find it.

[stillwooozy]

tw rape ig but no one reads this diary blog

But does anyone else.... FORGET they were raped? Like not repressed trauma/memories (i... really dont believe that to say the least.....) but just..... i push it so far away that something ovious needs to push the knowledge forward

ive been in some shitty sitautions jfc. the only reason i can type this rn is cuz im numb cuz if drugs

Anyways i was raped twice and almost raped once. well once i dont remmeber cuz i was drugged but ik i was raped. and like ... it sucks man. It really does. i acknowledge those experiences probably fucked me up more than i give them credit. A part of me does blme myself tho, which ofc isnt “right” but i cant help it. I put myself into dangerous situations knowing the full possibilties. I liked the thrill. It added excitement and made me feel imporant when i felt if everyone hated me

Like no one knows. I feel like no one understands. My choices led to my experiences, and its just humiliating. Idk why im thinking of this now

No i know. Its cuz im hypersexual and asexual at the same time. And i have no more close friends. Im lonely. And i cant keep relationships.

I feel like my experience/life is normal. And the sad part is i think it is.

I hold 0 spite towards # me-too to clarify. I dont even want ppl to address men rape cuz gay men are villianized like taht. Countless times gay men, gay fucking boys, are “canceled” for bullshit they never did cuz straight ppl are so afraid of gay guys. But its not being gay that is the problem. Its just so many men. Its a society taht treats mentally ill like trash& has a toddlers understanding of consent. Cuz to truly value consent... u have to go against a lot of the status quo

Im just angry at my younger self. Why did i purposefully put myself in danger? I know why. Its just gonna hurt for a while. Been years now .

No.. it doesnt hurt it just negatively impacts me.

And i cant fcking speak about

Or tecnically i can but come on. I am surrounded by emough shame and humilitation around me. Im mentally fucked and king of bad decisions. Even therapists get weirded out. Even good ones. Not weirded out, just.... unable to address it.

I can understand genocide more than rape. Like actual rape. Like i was held at knife point. Wish i was making up some fun story. Who tf gets pleasure from that?????? Just sign up on fetlife and find a partner and roleplay. U dont need to ruin a 16 yr old boy and take away his dignity. I hate it. There are si many other power games to play???

I like.. just push the mmeory away. I walk by the gay bar where i happened in the bathroom for the first time and i barely flinch. I pretend it was a dream ya know, like hahah so pathetic of me. Having my drink spiked was better. it was just so horrible waking up the next day in a strange apartment and the man was like... nonchallent. He didnt say ANYTGHING and it delt like i was in a horror movie cuz he coukd if killed me, he could of done snuthing, i hate jo idea what haooened ro my body and i just left. Snd somethimes i think i see him but ik its not i just can barely remmeber his face and who the FUCK does that ????? But mayeb i flirted too kuch: but why did he do that? I orobably wouldnof rucked him if he just asked. Idk. The last time i was like 17 Or 18? Idk actually i dont think younger but not odler thna 19, but i actually fought back and then just fcking ran. He had a knife tho and now i had one too and thats the moral why i alwYs have a swiss army knife in my backoack.

Its jdut fucked io, right? I mean ppl have it worse. I couldnt imagine getting abused or raped by like.... ur uncle as a CHILD. Idk.

Im sad rn. How can i be sad on so many happy pills? For some reason i feel extra disgusting cuz its been so long since anyone could use me. I dont like being used and at this point i am DONE with sex i just like attention. And letting someone fuck me is great attenrion. And man, fuck fetish jate, i love ppl w:l/ fetishes becasue its way more rhan shoving their musty dick in me. I dont have a foot fetish in the slightest - but u wany to massga emy feet and suck my toes? Go to town boy

I miss my ex. We didnt talk about this much hut thats my oroblem. She had no sinilar experience but she is very emoathetic and i trust her. Like she didnt make me feel weak or pathetic when i disclosed it ya know. I just said “i have had some unconseual sex experiences and they rly never come into play but i’ll lyk if they do” and shes was just like “omg lets talk about it when ur ready, no pressure, idk why u didnt tell me earlier but im so sorry” and it made me nut just feeling ~validated~ like that.

Well im gling to sleep. Enjoy ky tangenr. I cant type jfc thays a bad sign but hey!!!! If i dont remember writinh this, it will still exist, and i can read it weeks later and go “damn. I rly was numb yhay night if i was able to so chillly talk about some of the worst events if my life”