#i think i might be bellusromantic but i do feel romantic attraction sometimes

[usakkhae]

Questioning and having a hard time finding an aromantic label that fits me while having no one to talk to is awful

[catinasink]

im gonna have some aspec thoughts bitches

okay so lets start with arospec

romance. what the fuck is that. i dont get it. what exactly qualifies as romantic. i wouldnt mind a qpr, i think, and i woudlnt mind doing romantic things i guess? thats like, kissing and cuddling and saying ily, right? i dont think id mind that. thats like. bellusromantic or smn right? and i kinda want that. i guess. sometimes. so i go for cupiromantic label usually.

but sometimes im completely repulsed by the idea of romance. i dont want to be flirted with, i dont want to imagine what that is, i dont want to be loved that way. but sometimes i want to. sometimes i like the idea of that. so i call myself aroflux for that

ok acespec now

sexual attraction. i dont have that. i never look at someone and think "oh i want to fuck them" but i do think people are hot or pretty in like. an aesthetic way i guess ? anyway yeah. i enjoy making sex jokes and shit but im definitely somewhere on the acespec. prolly aegosexual.

also again, i can get really repulsed by the idea of sex as well - i dont want to hear jokes, i dont want to think about it, i dont want to acknowledge it exists, but sometimes i just want to make so many jokes and innuendos about it and i feel comfortable doing it. so. i call myself aceflux for that.

ok aplspec now

platonic attraction. again. what the fuck is that. i dont get it. i dont ever look at someone and think "oh i want to be their friend". yet im good at making friends? somewhat? like i dont actively want to befriend someone but i will talk to you if you talk to me and we have similiar interests and im interested in talking to you. that might cause me to befriend you (has happened before) but unless theres something we have in common or theres something to actually talk to you about, then im prolly not going to interact with you. it tends to take me a while to consider someone my friend so i call myself demiplatonic ig? i dont really feel platonic attraction though.

im pretty sure im sometimes plato repulsed. so. i just call myself aplspec though; sometimes demiplatonic, might start calling myself aplflux though just to get all three fluxes because i think it might work for me anyway because. you know. everything about me tends to fluctuate.

queueing this post to post in like a week because i dont want to actually think about this rn

written 4/16/24

[katsukisin]

I realized that I was aromantic in August last year. You see, figuring it out was a bit if a hard and confusing task.

At first, I thought I was omni-romantic. The thing was, everyone around me seemed so very beautiful, whether they were boy, girl, or non-binary, and I would often mentally comment on this. So I decided I must be omni. Of course, gender was not the only restriction for this beauty. I would be able to look at a toddler or a puppy or the sunset and have the same reaction, but I would never think for a second that I was romantically attracted to them. However, i repressed this fact, instead feeding into the lie of being omni because what else could I possible be?

But the term never felt right. One day as I was walking to school, I decided to go over things that i wanted from a date mate and relationship. I realized that I wanted to be able to hold someone's hand and lay my head on their shoulder and flirt and fangirl with and lay my head on their lap. But I couldn't imagine myself going on a date, going to dinner, buying presents, being physically married. Feeling in love with them. And even the blurrs that I could imagine brought a distinct feeling of wrongness in me. And then I had a thought that made me freeze, made my breath stop, that left me with chills and fear throughout the rest of the day. You dont want a date mate. You want a cuddle partner. Maybe that doesnt sound so wrong, and that's because what I really meant with that thought was "you want to use people without committing them, without giving them what they deserve. You're a jerk, a horrible, disgusting person who just wants to take advantage of others."

I dont know what happened next exactly. Maybe I shoved my identity out of my mind for a bit, it being too painful to think about. I had very little knowledge of the aro community, and I remember frantically pondering if maybe I was just aro, but I knew that couldnt be true. That was just my scapegoat, me trying to avoid what was so horribly wrong with me. I think a few days, maybe a week or two later, I had been fed up with myself for being able to recognize next to no pride flags, so I looked some up online with the intention of memorizing them. Problem was, I had no idea what all identities there were, and in addition to being the only one I could think of off the top of my head, i knew aromanticism was the one i knew least about, so I decided to look at that pride flag. Little did I know, aromanticism was a spectrum, and I ended up looking at quiet a few pride flags and what identity they signified.

One of these flags was the bellusromantic flag. Purple on top, fading into a white stripe, which in turn faded into a pink one. I remember looking at this flag with uncertainty, as I was still only just coming out of my "having interest in 'girly' things makes me a fake, lifeless doll who is incapable of doing or being anything other than pregnant in the kitchen" phase. But I looked at the identity the flag signifies, bellusromantic, and what the identity is, and once again, I froze. The definition of bellusromantic written was something like "enjoying the cute, fluffy parts of a relationship (i.e. hand-holding, flirting, cuddling, etc) without experiencing romantic attraction". That was an odd moment, because that was the exact words I had so cruelly said to myself not long ago, but now they had a whole new meaning. Suddenly I wasn't disgusting, malicious. I was just different. Part of a community, even. Because there had to be others like this-- like ME if this term existed. If I had found it.

Soon after, I did some research and found it much more likely that the beauty with which I see in those around me is not a sign of romantic attraction, but rather me having sensual and/or aesthetic attraction. Loving the beauty of life and existence.

I still have some trouble with my romantic orientation sometimes, but I've come really far. I'm proud of myself. This is what I went through, and maybe someone will read this and it might help them. Maybe others can understand me and people like me better. Maybe I can save someone from the trouble I went through. I dont know, but i nust know i needed to tell a bit of my story. Happy Pride Month, guys. Stay safe. Stay happy. Stay weird.