#i think it probably comes from like... the 55-page reference

[algebraic-dumbass]

how to prove proposition 2.1

step 1: say it's easy step 2: give some geometric construction that i think may have an (inconsequential but still) error in the formula to prove (a) step 3: vaguely reference the literature to prove (b) step 3: straight up says a previous theorem shows a bit of (c) (it probably does) then vaguely reference the literature to prove the rest (the reference is 55 pages long and no specific theorem number is given) step 4: forget to prove (d)

[one-flower-one-sword]

"Mu Qing spat out a mouthful of blood and grimaced like he'd been stabbed where it hurt. He replied, spiteful slowly, "Thank goodness I kicked you out. If we'd kept you in the army and let you get closer to His Highness, were you going to watch him all day with your mind full of unspeakable filth? Disgusting!"

Xie Lian's heart squeezed violently. Hua Cheng had his fist raised at first, but it froze in midair when Mu Qing spat the word "disgusting." Veins bulged on the back of his pale hand. The fingers clenched and loosened, loosened then clenched.

A long moment later, Hua Cheng said icily, "For now, I won't argue with you on that point. [...]"

TGCF Volume 6, page 66

Hua Cheng's reaction here is really interesting - and gets more heartbreaking the more you think about it. I think to understand it, we need to take a look at his distorted self-image and his extreme self-blame whenever he feels he's failed Xie Lian in some way. While doing this, I think it's important to keep in mind that we're looking at these things as separate from Hua Cheng's very real - and very earned! - confidence in his knowledge, abilities, and strength. He knows exactly what he can and can't do and has no problems stating those things as facts. That "aggressive, rebellious confidence" as Xie Lian describes it is a defining part of Hua Cheng's personality and who he is as a person, that is then juxtaposed by a surprising fragility in other matters.

Right when we meet Hua Cheng at just ten years old, he's already been abused for so long and so severely that it's made him actively suicidal. He's also already internalized that his right eye is ugly, evidenced by the way that he keeps covering it with his hands when the bandages are removed after he was beaten and dragged through the streets by Qi Rong and his lackeys:

After a pause, Xie Lian smiled softly. "The doctors will see to your wounds now. Don't be afraid and lower your hands, okay?" The child heard but hesitantly shook his head.

"Why not?" Xie Lian asked.

He was silent for a long time before replying, "Ugly."

TGCF Volume 2, page 349

The right side of his face also appears to receive the most abuse when he gets beaten, as Xie Lian realizes when he sees him again a few years later and his bandages come loose after being attacked by a group of other kids:

During that scuffle, the bandages on the boy's head had been partially yanked off, giving a peek on the other half of his face. It was quite swollen, covered in black and blue bruises. It was obvious that these injuries hadn't been caused by the brawl just now. TGCF Volume 3, page 56

It can be deduced that he probably learned very early in his life that if people see his eye, he gets beaten. It seems to be known around the area that he frequently gets beaten up and kicked out by his family, to a point where even kids from wealthier families know about him and refer to him as apparently everyone else does - the "ugly freak":

"Wow, wow, the ugly freak got kicked out again!" Although these kids were all around the same age as the boy in the shrine, every single one of them was taller than him and looked like their parents fed them well. There was probably a holiday coming up, since they were all dressed in new clothes and shoes. [...] "Hey, ugly freak, are you sleeping at the shrine again tonight? Watch out, your mom is gonna beat the crap outta you when you get home!"

TGCF Volume 3, pages 54-55

This post is going to get quite long, so I'm putting the rest under a read more.

Hua Cheng seems to internalize this view of himself as something ugly and revolting to a point where even hundreds of years later, he's wary about showing Xie Lian his true form. At the same time, he seems to long deeply for Xie Lian to see and accept the real him, so he tries to test the waters when Xie Lian asks the "young master" on the ox cart what Hua Cheng looks like :

The youth laughed. "Who knows? But he's blind in one eye." He pointed to his right eye. "This one."

That was nothing outrageous. Xie Lian recalled one of the many backstory versions where Hua Cheng wore a black eyepatch to hide that missing eye and asked, "Do you know what happened to that eye?"

"That's a question everyone wants the answer to," the youth replied. Others asked because they wanted to know what Hua Cheng's weakness was, but Xie Lian asked purely out of curiosity. He didn't say anything, and the youth continued, "He dug it out himself."

TGCF Volume 1, page 175

And then again after they're back from Banyue:

Hua Cheng didn't turn around but continued to stare at the dilapidated ceiling of the shrine, and Xie Lian could only see this handsome young man's left profile. Hua Cheng said softly, "If I was ugly."

"Huh?" Xie Lian gaped.

Hua Cheng finally turned his head slightly. "If my true appearance is ugly, would you still want to see it?"

Xie Lian was taken aback. "Is it? Although there's no real reason, I never thought your true appearance would be too horrible-looking."

"Who knows?" Hua Cheng said, half-jokingly. "What if I'm discolored, disfigured, ugly, monstrous, and horrible. What will you do?"

At first, Xie Lian thought this line of inquiry was rather fascinating. So the overlord of the Ghost Realm, the one called the devil incarnate and feared by all in the heavens, would care about his looks? But when he thought about it deeply, he didn't think it was very funny anymore. He vaguely recalled, in one of the many rumored backstories of Hua Cheng, one said that he was a disfigured child from birth, or something along those lines. If that was true, then he must've grown up discriminated against by others. Maybe that was why he was particularly sensitive about his appearance.

TGCF Volume 1, pages 369-370

This quote is really long but I wanted to include all of it because Xie Lian's realization here is very important - Hua Cheng's issues don't stem from vanity but from being othered and subsequently abused because of his unusual red right eye. The society they're in shows many instances of ableism, racism, xenophobia and classism, where any attempted change to the status quo as well as anything that goes against "the norm" is regarded with instant suspicion and rejection - as Pei Ming puts it once, "Where there is abnormality, there is evil."

When he finally does show Xie Lian his true form, Hua Cheng is anxious about it up until Xie Lian remarks that it doesn't look bad:

Xie Lian examined him as he followed, smiling. "So, this is your real appearance." Hua Cheng paused slightly in his step. Maybe it was his imagination, but Hua Cheng's shoulders seemed to stiffen for a flash of a second. The moment didn't last, and Hua Cheng responded naturally. "I did say that the next time we met, I would greet you with my real appearance."

Xie Lian grinned and said earnestly, "Not bad." Xie Lian's tone wasn't teasing or consoling, the words were simply said. Hua Cheng gave a small smile back, and this time, it was genuinely relaxed.

TGCF Volume 2, page 103

Xie Lian's acceptance of his true form seems to have reassured Hua Cheng enough that he appears in it a lot more regularly after that, though it's always with the place where his right eye used to be carefully covered. He's also still too afraid to tell Xie Lian about their shared past and who he really is, and even more afraid to confess his feelings because he fears that then Xie Lian will no longer look at him with acceptance and instead see Hua Cheng as this:

He pointed at a little blood-red person on the wall. Right next to it, there were a bunch of messy, twisted, indiscernible characters - it looked like they had been written in a state of delirium or scrawled to vent the author's feeling during a period of extreme suffering. Based on those characters, Xie Lian could guess that the little blood-red person painted there was Hua Cheng himself, but for some unknown reason he had depicted himself as extremely ugly and disfigured.

[...] There was an ugly little blood-red figure at the bottom of the mural. It cupped a small flower in its hands, which it was offering to the statue.

TGCF Volume 6, pages 52-55

Hua Cheng having internalized this distorted "ugly freak" image of himself isn't the only thing tripping him up though. Every time he can't prevent Xie Lian from getting hurt or can't help him, Hua Cheng takes it as a personal failure on his part and immediately seeks to punish himself. Be that by lashing out at Eming, which is essentially an extension of himself:

Xie Lian stroked Eming. "Fangxin is still better suited." Fangxin remained motionless. Eming had tried so enthusiastically to offer itself up but was so blatantly rejected. It hopped back to Hua Cheng's side, weeping. Hua Cheng didn't spare it a single look before he smacked it with a backhand slap. "What are you crying about? This happened because you're useless! Trash!"

TGCF Volume 5, page 120

Or denying himself to touch Xie Lian, like after Xie Lian got accidentally hurt by Eming (an especially cruel punishment given that Hua Cheng had longed for Xie Lian for hundreds of years):

Hua Cheng, however, let go of his hand. "Don't mind them," he said to Xie Lian. "Come with me." His voice was low, the emotion behind it hard to discern. Yet the way he let go of Xie Lian's wrist was swift, almost like he'd been shaken off.

TGCF Volume 2, page 192

Repeatedly witnessing Xie Lian be brutalized and violated while he didn't yet have the power to stop it from happening traumatized Hua Cheng deeply and left him with a wrathful anger that he wields not only against those who wronged Xie Lian but also against himself for any and all perceived failures.

Now, what does all of this have to do with the quote that started it all? In it, Mu Qing accuses Hua Cheng that if they'd have kept him in the army, he would have kept watching Xie Lian "with his mind full of unspeakable filth! Disgusting!" (the fact that he describes a man having romantic feelings and sexual desires for another man in such a way comes off as extremely homophobic of course but that's not the topic of this post)

Hua Cheng, who hates Mu Qing deeply and with good reason, then not only stops his assault but actually goes on to say that he won't argue with him on that point for now. His inner conflict shows in the repeated clenching and loosening of the fingers in his fist - he's extremely angry and would usually never agree with Mu Qing, yet finds himself unable to deny his words. It's noticeable also that it's the "disgusting" that makes him freeze up.

So why would Hua Cheng, someone usually so confident and so unapologetically himself, concede this point to Mu Qing, someone he hates and who's just been viciously insulting him? I would argue that there are two possible reasons.

First of, if viewed through the lens of everything we reviewed in this post, Hua Cheng feels like he "can't argue" on this because he does desire Xie Lian and always has - while at the same time knowing that he, an ugly disfigured other that has repeatedly failed at keeping the God he's pledged his existence to safe from harm, could never be good enough to deserve being with said God like that.

Second of all, as I analyzed in my previous post, Hua Cheng's reaction to Xie Lian having seen the statues and murals is profound fear and heartbreak because he's so sure Xie Lian must now be scared of and disgusted by him. At this point in the story, Hua Cheng is still utterly convinced that his feelings aren't requited, which is something he can deal with. But what he can't bear is the prospect of his feelings, his very devotion, causing Xie Lian pain. Failing to keep Xie Lian safe from being harmed by others is bad enough, but hurting Xie Lian himself? Unforgivable. His fear that his desire for Xie Lian will be upsetting to him is so strong that even after the confession scene, his immediate reaction to Xie Lian even just mentioning the murals is "I'll go destroy them" (Volume 6, page 88), and he doesn't calm down until Xie Lian reassures them that he only saw a few of them and won't look at the others if Hua Cheng doesn't want him to.

[scoundrels-in-love]

3 8 15 18 20 27 45 54 55 56 58 61 for the writer questions thing :3:3:3 <3<3<3

Hi loooove, thank you so much for asking. *cracks knuckles*

3. Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic An idea - ??nfjnidfjgnf??SF?FD?/???? - oh god, there's typo in the published version

It's... unfortunately not too far from genuine truth. Most of my writing is done in parts of daydreaming it up at work, before sleep, babbling to my friends about it and then wallowing when I actually need to put the words I already came up with on 'paper'. Often I overthink little details too much along the way, enough to get stuck.

8. Do you prefer the beginning, middle, or end of a story?

I am probably bad writer because I don't really view my stories in these segments, I don't plan the arcs and the build up with conscious awareness of storytelling as a method. I just go with the natural swell of emotions and events. The starting and closing lines are always hard, but that's all I define as beginning or end of story. Yes, I do worry if the closing part is satisfying and tells what I intended to, of course, but there's no strict divides in my head.

15. How do you write smut scenes? Do you get very visual or detailed? How important is it to be realistic?

I am writing about werewolves, plant genitalia and what borders as tentacle porn. Realistic is... Not really an option. Though I try to at least somewhat figure out what is physically potentially possible with their size differences, body builds and so forth. Sidenote, I can be picky about words I use in my smut, some I just don't think I'll end up using.

I don't have much of visual imagination or any interest in geting visual references for this that isn't like, fanart, so it's interesting exercise writing something that actually comes across as smut and could potentially be hot. I think I don't manage to convey it enough, but lot of what structures my smut is how characters feel about it, the specific acts and people involved in them. Or what they want the other characters to feel.

I am glad that several people have said that it's tangible these characters care from each other even on my purely smut writing, that gives me hope I am doing something right.

18. Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles?

I used to be borderline physically unable to write a fic until I had a title for it. Same as I needed a name for an OC. As if it was the baseline establishing everything, backbone of it. Over the pauses I've taken in my writing, this has gone away and I often leave the title as the last thing to work on, along with summary. Unless the piece is inspired by a song or poem, then that is one of the first things I do, still.

I almost always use lines from songs, sometimes it's genuinely a hassle these days to find one that fits the fic, the vibe I want to convey. I dream of being the face on your page (I want to hold you forever, I want a taste of the Good Life) took several fucking hours, I was driving myself and my sibling up the wall with it.

20. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

In Trigun, I feel a little limited in setting, because most things will either take place in saloon/bar, in the desert often localized around a car and maybe Meryl's apartment. At least most of the stuff I've written so far, since I've not been ambitious with tackling Ship 3 or many AUs yet. So, the repetition in that is partially from what I'm writing for. I do know I have soft spot of times where one character ends up inviting the other into their space - sometimes as simple as a hug and often, into their apartment, living space. Especially when there are feelings attached to it being potentially theirs or having been theirs. This follows through from previous fandom(s).

Like I joked previously, it seems one of Rainy's fic bingo slots could be 'a character cries' - I've never written crying so often as I do for Trigun, but it doesn't. Entirely feel out of character or misplaced, somehow. There's lot of traumatic events, all the time, that I end up touching in my writing.

Grief, overall, is definitely a theme. Not just people, but possibilities, too. A chance at happiness. At peace. Yearning for something kinder, better, sweeter. For each other. I ironically don't think I've earned my title of 'rated E for Extreme Yearning' in Trigun yet, but it used to be my brand.

I definitely use deliberate repetitions for sentences.

I use words like smithereens, curdle, hoard, abyss, stone/rock in chest and the like quite a bit. Other than that, I'd actually love to hear what my readers have noticed, I am sure there's more than that!

27. What is your most and least favorite part of writing?

I love, love coming up with new ideas, excitedly talking with people about plots, character behaviors, just playing out little snippets among friends. It's by far the best and easiest part for me, I can spend days doing just that.

The writing itself... Oh, that can be torture. Like extracting words one by one by help of world's cruelest dentist. When it goes well, I love it and get a high like I very rarely do, but often, it's just. The Worst.

45. Do you want to break your readers‘ heart or make them laugh?

I am not a funny person - at least not the sort of funny that translates well into fiction. I have had few funnier stories in previous fandoms, or at least parts that have funny adjacent lines and when people have enjoyed them and said it made them laugh, I treasure that. But it's not a goal I set out to have.

Also not breaking anyone's heart, despite what it seems. I want to provide catharsis, for myself and for reader if possible, and for me that is usually getting to the bottom of the painful and then exploring way back up or at least showing that there is one (eg. think Disconnect). I am not much of one for angst without happy ending, there's so much misery in life, mine included, that never has one, that I want to imagine and create one where I can.

Though if I make a friend cry... It is a notch in my mental post, not going to lie. Makes me feel like I managed to write genuinely.

54. What’s your favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?

Plotting, babbling, excited screaming with friends, for sure. Although very specific to fanfiction itself is seeing how to pick apart the world, the characters, transpose them into different situations, AUs, and make them still them. I love working out what makes them tick, what defines them and the relationships they have with each other.

55. Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your followers/readers’ reactions to certain ones?

I really enjoyed writing both Brienne and Jaime from my previous fandom, I found it satisfying when I could manage to create my own brand of Jaime's sarcastic, self-depreciating humor, the way he'd say one thing and mean another and sometimes put so much of him suddenly in it that people couldn't accept it easily. And Brienne was lesson in restraint - I wonder how I would write her now that I've allowed myself to... Well, more openly project my neurodivergency and depression onto characters. Write what I do know, not just reflection of what I think people are like from other people's writing.

Which is something I've been doing with Meryl. She is by no means me, or my self-insert into canon, but in the process of trying to understand her, I ended up allowing myself to give her some likeness to my aspects, to how I see and experience the world. And then it expanded to Vash and Wolfwood as well.

That'd be more physical descriptions of grounding via scratching when crying, Meryl's struggle of spoken words versus written ones, them all being aspec and struggling with understanding/being overwhelmed by emotions and attraction.

But back to who I enjoy writing the most - I really love writing Meryl and Wolfwood, though I always fear I am not getting Wolfwood's inner conflict, all the Christian stuff, right. I feel like he has to be more than I manage to write him as. More fucked up, more intense, more soft at his underbelly, more everything.

This is why Vash is lower on my enjoyment scale, too. I feel like he ought to sound and work more differently, being the hyper aware, hyper capable and at the same time, sometimes so silly, person he is. I enjoy writing him being perceived, but writing his POV can be very stressful for me, especially in situations where his competency and intelligence actually needs to be portrayed convincingly. /side eyes Love lives chapter 2

That aside, no it's not really been swayed by reader's reaction, though it has given me confidence, like when someone says I have given them Meryl centric writing they've been looking for.

56. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

Pride is a strong word, but I have ended up feeling close to pride for the way I draw comparisons, create similes, about or through emotions, use of nature metaphors and the like. I think it stems from my native language and the sort of things I grew up reading and listening to, but it is something I don't shy away from in fear of being too flowery. Not anymore. It's just how I write, how I see world and feel things and I don't want to go through process of censoring it.

58. What part of the writing process do you enjoy the most? (Brainstorming, outlining, writing, editing, etc) 

Brainstorming >>>> writing > outlining/editing

Outlining often makes me trip up over small details that I suddenly feel are as huge as as infinite wall and I generally don't outline more than loosely in my head, I get to meat of writing directly in my thoughts. Editing has habit of tiring me out when I have been struggling with some sentence and rewritten it like 5 times already.

61. Why do you continue writing fics?

It's a question I ask myself often. And when I don't have an answer, I fall off the face of earth and cease writing.

I think, in truth, I write, at least past the point of thinking about it in privacy of my own mind, for community, for people. It is not the right reason to write, it has burned me many times when I don't get the engagement I crave or I feel like specific person I had in mind isn't really keen on what I created, but it is mine.

Beyond that, I want to explore feelings, want to find, and if possible, give some catharsis or comfort. Every time someone tells me my writing resonated with them, they felt seen or heard through it, maybe it comforted them, I feel like the effort to write was worth it. So, I guess the short answer is: Feelings. Humanity. Connection. The fictional ones and the ones we create through fiction.

Send me fanfic writer ask?&lt;3

[twwpress]

Creator Spotlight #22: jazzjo

Welcome back to the TWW Author Spotlight! For every spotlight, we’ll ask each featured author the same ten questions (as well as questions you submitted on Twitter!). This week we’re excited to be chatting with jazzjo (on AO3 - @sameschtick on twitter)!

1) What are your top 5 desert island fics by other authors?

baby it’s cold outside by crossingdelancey It’s short, it’s sweet, it’s cj’s gay meg ryan winter, what more could you want.

may these memories break our fall by claudiasjeancregg A real gateway fic to cj/toby/andy that captures the internal lives of all three characters so well; I could (and do) read it over and over.

Red, White, and Boo by fleurfemme Scream meets West Wing meets great ensemble writing. Incredible.

departures and arrivals by rearviewmirror Atlas plays with distance and time and liminal space to pack so much yearning into this piece.

we thought love was something we weren’t meant to find by darlingdarling I love pieces that take a little moment in canon and expand on the potential and this one just knocks it out of the park. 

 2) Do you have a favorite character to write? Favorite ship(s) to write? Are there characters or ships you'd like to write more of? 

My crutch character is C.J. by a long shot (who’s surprised) – the interiority of her as a character in how she’s portrayed is just so fascinating to me. My favourite character to write is probably either Andy or Charlie. Both of them get witty repartee in canon but there’s so much not said that I do love taking my authorial liberties.

Favourite ship is cj/andy hands down. I think I’ve populated half the tag (the math works out – 29/55) because I’m incorrigible about them. This extends to permutations within the cj/andy/toby triangle, which is a sandbox I love to play in.

I’d like to explore writing more about Charlie, Donna, and Joey. I’ve done a bit of all three (finally caved and wrote something Charlie-centric recently) but they’re still more challenging to properly capture. 

 3) Tell us about your writing process (setup/location? Night or day? Snacks/beverages? Computer/phone/notebook? Music or silence? Anything else you want to share is welcome!) 

My (somewhat messy) rolling desk. Night (by necessity, because work). Emotional support water bottle or seltzer or a hot drink. Laptop, though I used to primarily write in a notebook. Music either completely accelerates or impedes the process, it’s really a toss up. I love writing with it, and take a lot of inspiration from it, but I sometimes get too distracted by it and have to turn it off.

I used to write longer things, back before I started working full-time. I only started writing for TWW in the last half-year and have gravitated to shorter chapters and one-shots because I like writing a full chapter in one sitting and I have less time. Even so, this lil baby can fit so much angst into it. 

 4) What writing advice do you have for others who may be reading this? 

Write what you want to read. If something comes naturally, lean in. Catch passing thoughts and phrases in a small notebook or on your phone. Make a habit of writing. There’s always time to write – five minutes on the train, ten minutes before you sleep – but don’t let it take over your rest time. 

 5) From where do you usually draw your inspiration? (Other forms of media, music, tropes, etc?) 

I love pulling and expanding on the tiniest moments in canon, or I’ll get a single line of a song so under my skin it turns into something on the page. I love intertextuality and my best work tends to happen between mediums.

I tend to draw on things I know well, so you’ll see recurrent themes and references like classical music, theater, Jewish life, and literature sprinkled throughout my writing.

6) What is the fic you've written that you're most proud of and why? 

This is cheating, but I couldn’t pick between two.

turning in place is probably the best developed of anything i’ve written for TWW. It digs into Toby as a character in ways I didn’t really think I could do, and it really was me trying to find a way I could stomach the shuttle leak arc. It plays with time, it plays with religion, it plays with guilt and family and dwelling too much or too little or just enough on things, and if that isn’t Toby Ziegler. I think form, character, and content collided in a way I have been trying to get to again in this fic, and I still don’t know how I did it.

In one-shot land, enumerated powers comes to mind. It came completely out the left field, but I loved writing Evelyn Baker Lang as a character and imagining (aka spreadsheet planning) a workable backstory for her that bled through the whole fic. 

 7) What's the fic trope/concept/AU you'd read 1000 of? What's the fic trope/concept/AU you'd write 1000 of?

Romcom tropes kill me in the best way every time. Writing-wise, I love writing looks into post-canon and filling in the blanks within canon. 

 8) Is there anything you'd like to try writing-wise that you haven't yet? 

A true ensemble fic. I came close in too wise to woo peaceably but not quite. 

 9) What's your go-to Starbucks/coffee shop/other drink order? 

I tend to go for black coffee out of my aeropress, sometimes slightly sweetened, and I love all manners of tea, but both of those tend to be drinks I make myself. My one vice is bubble tea, and I’ll almost always get unsweetened oolong tea with taro pearls, without the ice in it if I can help it. 

 10) Do you have any current projects you'd like to promote or anything upcoming you'd like to tell us about?

I’m working on an Andy/Toby fic inspired by The Last Five Years – we see Andy in reverse and Toby in chronological order – called compel me to ask you for more. 

Submitted questions:

From @JessBakesCakes: Do you have a headcanon about one of your fics that didn’t make it to the story for one reason or another? If so, what is it?

The continuation to watching the skies (the charlie-centric fic I mentioned earlier where Charlie is COS to POTUS, which is Andy) that I clipped and set aside to focus more on Charlie’s road back to the White House has C.J. eventually running for Congress in Andy’s second term because the spin boys make a whole case for it, even though she still feels a bit like an outsider to Hill politics. I almost always think of C.J. – like Leo – as the person behind the curtain, but I think one of the ways she might step into a campaign of her own is if someone she really trusted made a case for why it would help the constituents for her to run in place of a shitty incumbent. 

 From @S4MWILS0N: favorite: season, ep, one liner, character duo (romantic), character duo (platonic), plot arc, hc for pre post and during canon? craziest au you’ve ever considered? snippet/idea that never became anything? fave trope to read or write? moment that made u fall in love w the show?

Favourite…

Season: Three

Episode: The Supremes or Hartsfield’s Landing

One-Liner: “There is literally no one in the world that I don’t hate right now.” 

Character Duo (Romantic): CJ/Andy

Character Duo (Platonic): CJ & Josh (early seasons) CJ & Charlie (later seasons)

Plot Arc: debate prep (also that we only saw the original campaign after we were already invested)

HC for Pre-Canon: CJ and Andy were grad school roommates. When Toby first introduces the two when he starts dating Andy they don’t tell him, and just let how similar they can be freak him out. He doesn’t find out for way longer than you think. 

HC for Post-Canon: Charlie sets out on his own for a bit. Donna finishes school and goes back into politics. CJ never goes to California – she goes to Ohio to take care of her father, then back to the East Coast. 

HC for During Canon: CJ has a personal relationship with each of the Bartlet girls – she’s the older sister Liz never got to have; she’s a model for living a full life while queer to Ellie; Zoey is a little skeptical at first but she ends up closest to CJ because CJ always Shows Up for her, no matter what, and holds her father back from being too embarrassing. 

Craziest AU: rockstar AU my white whale

Snippet that never became anything: I have a whole folder titled “ideas i may never write / finish”. I will refrain from naming names out of hope that something will eventually exit that folder.

Moment that made me fall in love with the show: when I realised everyone talks as fast as I do

Thank you so much to jazzjo! And thank you to everyone who asked questions. This is our last creator spotlight for now - we may pick it up again if there’s interest in the future! We really appreciate every one who signed up to be featured and who asked questions for making this such a fun experience! As always you can reach us at weeklypressbriefing@gmail.com, through tumblr messages, or on Twitter!

xx, What’s next?

[duhragonball]

Hellsing Liveblog Ch. 82-86

LIKE A BLOODY STORM

Atsuku LIKE A BLOODY STONE

So it’s come to this.   This is the “Black Onyx” arc and “Sorcerian Part 1″, where we finally get the payoff to the Major’s 55-year plot against Alucard.    Walter betrayed Integra, the Hellsing Organization, and the whole United Kingdom just so Millennium would give him a chance to beat Alucard, and he’s failing.   Alucard doesn’t see any point in dragging this out, so he’s sucking up all the fresh blood in London to power up and bring and end to this.   Also, if you’re just joining us, Alucard looks like a 14-year-old girl.    Just roll with it.

But the Major was counting on Alucard doing this, and apparently his plan to “poison the tyrant’s wine” involves his last henchman, Warrant Officer Schrodinger, cutting off his own head and adding his werewolf blood to Alucard’s meal.   Why would this matter at all?

Walter seems to understand, because he begs the Major to stop this, as if the Major could.

Desperate, he bisects Alucard with his wires, but it’s already too late for that.   Part of the secret behind Alucard’s invincibility is that he gains a 1-up for each person’s blood he consumes.   That’s what Anderson and Walter were banking on when they attacked Alucard before.   At the time, he had separated himself from the souls he had consumed, which meant that killing him once -- however tough that might be-- would finish him off.   But now it’s too late for that.  You kill him now and he’ll just come back and dare you to keep going.    And he’s taken the blood of like three million people at least.

So the Major observes that Walter’s window of opportunity has closed.   According to him, there’s only been two chances to beat Alucard in a fight since Abraham van Helsing captured him in 1898.   I assume he’s referring to Anderson and Walter’s respective efforts. 

No, Walter was never the final stroke in the Major’s plan, just part of the endgame.  All of Millennium’s resources were sacrificed to get to this moment.  Enrico Maxwell’s 9th Crusade?   The Major was counting on them getting involved, which is probably why he leaked and shared so much of his plans with the Vatican, even though his target was always London.   He wanted the Vatican to send all their best warriors to compound the horror, all so Alucard would use his full power to destroy them.

And then, once Alucard’s full power was deployed, the Major knew Anderson would step in and use everything at his disposal to kill Alucard.   This battle destroyed all of Alucard’s familiars, setting him up for Walter to take a turn.   And maybe Alucard could beat Walter without taking in more blood, but that;s never been Alucard’s style.   He sees himself as a loaded weapon at the disposal of Integra Hellsing.   He’s not going to drag things out for no reason, and Integra ordered him to destroy Walter, not humor him.

And maybe Walter was aware of all this, but he still believed he could buck the odds and kill Alucard before the Major’s winning move.  Walter’s a rook who fancied himself a king.   I guess that’s always been his problem.   This was never Walter’s story, and I guess he couldn’t handle that truth.  If he couldn’t be the hero, then he was content with being the villain, but in the end he was never more than a plot device, supporting whichever side he was on at the time.

And finally, it happens, whatever ‘it’ is.   Alucard somehow hears the Major saying that he’s lost.   Is the Major saying it?  I don’t think anyone else would be.  Whoever it is, he starts flashing back to all the other times he’s heard that.

Then he seems to realize something’s gone terribly wrong, and he pauses to notice the rising sun, which has been a common theme with all of his past defeats.   Then all these eyes appear on his body and begin winking out, one by one.  

Okay, so what the hell happened here?  Well, get comfortable, because this is going to take some time to unpack.

The key to all of this is Warrant Officer Schrodinger, a werewolf with the power to be “everywhere and nowhere”.   This sounds like he’s just a teleporter, like Nightcrawler from the X-Men, or.... Majik from the X-Men.    Well, it’s more complicated than that. 

Let me explain the “Schrödinger's cat” thought experiment, because that’s one of those things that’s widespread enough in pop culture that it’s easy to take for granted.  I think people understand it has to do with an imaginary cat being alive or dead, but that’s about all.   

The really short version of quantum mechanics is that subatomic particles don’t behave the same way as big objects like apples or planets or people.   It’s convenient to think of atoms as tiny little solar systems, with electrons orbiting the atomic nucleus.   But the reality is that electrons don’t revolve around elliptical orbits like the Earth around the Sun.   What happens instead is the electron zips around the nucleus all over the place, from all angles and directions.   What’s more, the electron can be at any particular spot at any moment.    So it’s less useful to think of an electron having an orbit around a nucleus.   What you have instead is this region where the electron is most likely to be at any particular moment.    And you can do the math and figure out what the shape of this region is.  You can’t locate the electron’s exact position at any particular moment, but you can consider the region where it’s most likely to be in an atom, which will resemble a sphere or a vaguely dumbbell kind of shape.  

This is what the Schrödinger Equation is for.   Erwin Schrödinger didn’t just talk about cats all day.   He postulated his equation in 1925 to work out the movements of electrons in atoms.   It was groundbreaking work, and he won a Nobel Prize for it in 1933, and don’t feel bad if you have trouble wrapping your head around all of this.   I’m a professional chemist and a lot of this is over my head. 

The point of the “Schrödinger's cat” concept was to help visualize how confusing quantum mechanics really is.   There are principles to subatomic particles that we know to be true, but they make no sense in our macroscale world.   For example, a particle might have a probability of being in multiple locations at a given moment.    It can only be in one place at a time, but until you actually perform the measurement to find out, it may as well be in all of those locations.    This is something called “superposition”, and I guess we could say that this idea is the basis for our wolfboy’s powers.

So Schrödinger (the scientist, not the furry) suggested a thought experiment where a macroscale event could depend upon a subatomic condition.   Like there’s some subatomic thing that could happen or not happen, and depending on the outcome, it would cause a poison to be dispensed that would kill a cat in a box.   If the particle goes one way, the cat dies, but if it goes the other way, the cat survives.    But both probabilities are equal, and supposedly both outcomes are true for the particle until you make the observation.    Therefore, you can’t know whether the cat lived or died until you open the box to look!   Indeed, according to quantum mechanics, the cat is simultaneously alive and dead until you open the box to see for yourself.  

How does that make any sense?   Well it doesn’t, and that’s the point Erwin Schrödinger was driving at.    In our large scale, things like gravity and being one place at a time are things we take for granted.  But on the quantum level, subatomic particles are governed by rules that seem completely paradoxical to us.    And yet, we’re not talking about some alternate reality here.   Those subatomic particles make up the atoms that make up us.  Cats, boxes, bottles of poison, they’re all just a huge pile of subatomic particles, each following these seemingly nonsensical rules.    They’re just organized in such a way that they give rise to bigger rules that make more sense to us.    Things like classical mechanics, chemical reactions, cats liking to be inside boxes, and so on.   As Erwin Schrödinger put it:

“It is typical of these cases that an indeterminacy originally restricted to the atomic domain becomes transformed into macroscopic indeterminacy, which can then be resolved by direct observation. That prevents us from so naïvely accepting as valid a "blurred model" for representing reality. In itself, it would not embody anything unclear or contradictory. There is a difference between a shaky or out-of-focus photograph and a snapshot of clouds and fog banks.”

In other words, we see the world as discrete outcomes.  We read the black letters on the page, and not the indeterminate spaces in between, or the hazy, unfinished thoughts of the writer.  That doesn’t mean the words on the page aren’t legitimate, or that the passing thoughts of the writer don’t exist.   We have to accept the seeming contradiction of it.   

So what does this have to do with Alucard?   Well, Schrödinger (the furry, not the scientist) has the ability to be like one of these subatomic particles.   Our were-boy probably can’t be literally everywhere, but he has this probability region of places where he can be, and it seems to cover at least half the world.   He’s appeared in Brazil, London, Zorin Blitz’s psychic visions, and so on.  He’s been shot twice in this story, but he just reappears like nothing happened to him at all.   It’s not like he teleported away in the nick of time, either.    We’ve seen his head burst open like a ripe melon.   Like Schrödinger’s cat in the thought experiment, he can be alive or dead at any given moment, so killing him doesn’t actually matter.  Warrant Officer Schrödinger can do all of this and he’s conscious of this ability.   So as long as he’s aware of himself, he can observe himself and direct himself to be in any location he so chooses. 

I would think getting shot in the face would interfere with this ability to control his power, but that’s probably where his werewolf nature comes in.   Like the Captain, he can grow back from a nasty headwound, so that gives him time to picture himself someplace else, and in better health.   Now that I think about it, that must have been a silver knife he used to cut his own head off.  

So when Alucard drank all that blood, he drank Schrödinger’s too, and just like when he drank Rip van Winkle’s blood and got the power to fire that magic musket, Alucard absorbed Schrödinger’s ability to be “everywhere and nowhere”.  Except that power only works when Schrödinger himself is conscious of it. And he’s not conscious of it anymore because he’s part of Alucard now.  Alucard might figure out how to control this power, but until he does, he can’t choose a location and be in that one place.   Instead, he’s “everywhere and nowhere” all the time.  So he’s experiencing all of his past moments simultaneously, with no control over his current position.  

That sounds bad, right?  Well it gets worse.   He drank all those other dead people’s blood too, so on top of his own perception, he has the perceptions of all 3 million plus of the souls he’s consumed.   So that just further complicates matters.   The bottom line is that Schrödinger’s ability is fundamentally incompatible with Alucard’s existence as a composite being made up of multiple absorbed lives. 

And since Alucard can’t just cough up Schrödinger’s blood, it’s too late now.   He’s got Schrödinger’s ability and he’s stuck with it, but he can’t control it, which means he just winks out of existence.   As the Major puts it, he’s now neither live nor dead nor undead.   He’s become like a series of imaginary numbers.  You’ll need to look that one up on your own time, folks, I spent enough time talking about quantum mechanics.

And you have to hand it to Kouta Hirano, this is a really clever way to bring down an overpowered seinen manga protagonist.  This whole time, all of these lower villains acted like they could just beat down Alucard if they applied enough brute force, but that was never going to get the job done.   For the purposes of this story, Alucard has been, almost by definition, unbeatable.   So the Major’s solution was to give him a new power, one that he would be unable to control.   It wouldn’t kill him, but killing Alucard seems like a fool’s errand anyway.  Instead, it just... makes Alucard go away, which is probably as close to destroying him as anyone could ever hope for.   He might still be alive in some semantic sense, but he can’t carry out his duties to Hellsing and the Crown, so the Major seems to have at least brought down what Alucard is expected to be. 

And there’s no way to stop it, because it’s already happened.  Integra commands him to stay, but it’s useless.  I like the way he signs off in the dub of the OVA, where he apologizes to Integra and says this is one order he cannot obey.  It’s just out of his hands.  

Then he vanishes, and all that’s left of Alucard is a bloody mark on the street, shaped like the Hellsing insignia on his gloves.   

Wait, so does this affect Seras too, since she was Alucard’s servant vampire?  Remember, way back in Chapter 1, Integra said that killing the head vampire would automatically kill any ghouls or vampires he creates.   So maybe Seras is gone too?

Hell naw.    Seras joins Integra in the Major’s command center, and she looks like she’s ready for some revenge.  Does she know what’s just happened?  I mean, she was furious at the Major to begin with, but she sensed Alucard’s return a while back when he floated up the Thames River.  Surely she sensed her own vampire dad winking out of existence.

Meanwhile, Walter had a front-row seat for Alucard’s disappearance.   At first he laughs with triumph.   I guess he must be giddy with relief, since he wanted to kill Alucard, and for a minute there it looked like Alucard had him dead to rights.   Imagine a guy’s about to murder you and then he just ceases to exist.   But it doesn’t take long for Walter to realize how hollow this all is.  He wanted to kill Alucard himself, and he bet everything just to get that one opportunity, and now he’s failed and he’ll never get another chance.   His body is giving out and he’s betrayed everyone who ever cared about him and he’s got nothing to show for it.   

Then Heinkel starts shooting at him with a sniper rifle.  Yeah, she never left the battlefield after Walter killed Yumiko.   The Captain stopped her from interfering before, but the Captain’s dead now and I guess she figures she’s got nothing to lose by trying again.   And I suppose the sniper act proves she’s learned from Yumiko’s fatal mistake.   Attacking Walter up close is dangerous.   

At first, Walter seems to invite this.   He even invites Heinkel to shoot him a few more times, as it’s a fitting punishment for a traitor.   If you’ve only seen the TFS Abridged version of Hellsing, they actually use this as Walter’s death scene, but in the original version Walter takes a few bullets and then leaves.  He says Heinkel can shoot him, but she doesn’t get to kill him.   I don’t think she even heard him say that, but whatever.

Instead, he uses his wires to board the Major’s airship one last time.

So remember how the Major was protected from Integra by a reinforced glass barrier?   Yeah, well Seras finds an 88mm cannon and shoots through it.   It also shoots through the hull of his ship and rings a large bell on the outskirts of town.   Right before she shoots, Integra orders Seras to “Search and Destroy” just like she always told Alucard.    It’s kind of sad, but Seras has automatically succeeded her master as Integra’s weapon.  I mean, it’s a triumph for Seras, but it comes at a heavy price for her.   She’s probably too enraged by what’s happened to appreciate this moment on all these other levels, but there’ll be time for that.

So there’s no way the Major could survive a cannon like that at pointblank range, right?   Wrong, the dude’s a fucking cyborg, and I guess Seras’ aim was a little off.   I suppose the downside to using big-ass guns is that you have trouble aiming at small targets.   Wait, no, what happened to all that “third eye” stuff from before?   What’s wrong with you, Victoria?  

Oh wait, she missed because she’s sad.    Aw... :`(

So we knew the Major had to be something to have survived this long without aging, but we had already learned he wasn’t a vampire.   He insists that he is still human, however, no different from a man with a pacemaker or an artificial limb.   His mind remains his own, even if it should be a brain in a life support system or backed up on a computer.   I’m not sure if either of these describes the status of the Major’s brain, but to his point, it doesn’t really matter.  He describes himself as Alucard’s polar opposite.  While Al is this beautiful monster who masquerades as a human, the Major is a human who resembles the grotesque form of a monster.   I’m not body-shaming the dude, I’m just reporting what he’s saying.  He’s taken a few fat jokes in stride, and I guess he’s got the same attitude about his cyborg body too.  He doesn’t seem to care if others find this unpleasant, because it’s better than being a vampire with a diluted self.

Arguably, this whole campaign to destroy Alucard was the Major’s effort to prove his claim on being human.   Alucard often said that only a human could defeat a monster like him, and the Major beat him, so doesn’t that prove he’s a human in the end?  

So Integra whips out her other gun, the one she didn’t use to shoot at the Major’s glass case, and they start shooting each other at pointblank range.   The Major’s a terrible shot, though, and yet somehow he manages to take out one of Integra’s eyes before she puts a bullet in his forehead.   I still don’t understand how you can shoot someone in the eye and not kill them.   Did the bullet just angle away from her brain or is the Major’s gun just really weak on stopping power?  

Anyway, Integra’s shot kills the Major, but not right away, so I guess it’s not just his original brain in there.   He’s just thrilled to have finally hit something after a lifetime of terrible marksmanship.    It’s a fitting reflection of his win over Alucard, because he and the rest of Millennium were warriors who had never won a war before.   In the end, I’m not sure the Major would have been disappointed if his plan had failed.   He’d never won before, so I don’t think another defeat would have bothered him much.    As it is, he dies contentedly, satisfied with his “good war”.   What a shithead.

So yeah, we’ve got three more chapters to go and then we’re done.   See you next time.

[meruz]

Aforementioned long ask post please excuse me while i try to figure out tumblr's new text editor. I’ll get into the art meme questions first and then the rest at the end.

Ok first of all thank you all for sending in questions! Giving me an excuse to talk hehe. I’ll address these in number order. Here’s a link to the ask meme for reference but also I’ll restate the question for ease of reading.

1. When did you get into art?

Super cliche answer but I don’t remember a time where I WASN’T the weird art kid! I started keeping a dedicated sketchbook when I was about 12? But here’s a page from my kindergarten journal about what I want to be when I grow up.

2. What art-related sites have you ever signed up for? 

LOL this is a weird question. Not sure why so many people want to know. Anyways I definitely had a dA. more than one dA account. I used to browse oekakis when I was a kid but I think I was only signed up to some small ones that internet friends owned. What else...? Mangabullet,Tegakie, Paintberri, iscribble back when that was a thing, instagram if that COUNTs, I used to post art on livejournal and dreamwidth too. Patreon, I guess. Gumroad, inprnt, bigcartel, storenvy all for selling stuff.

In terms of resources.. I have a schoolism account that I’m sharing with friends. Used to take classes on coursera for free. I signed up to textures.com for work recently haha. I can’t remember if I ever had an account on posemaniacs. Did they have accounts...? I definitely used to visit all the time.

3. Show us your oldest piece of art you have on hand.

Alright here’s me actually logging into my old deviantart account. These are from September 2008 So I was 13 years old. I don’t have a deviantart account from before then because 13 was the required age for having an account and I didn’t want to lie about my age because I wanted people to be impressed by how young yet clearly incredible at art I was LOL.

4. What defines your artistic style?

You guys are probably more equipped to answer this than me but uh... I wanna say... Focus on colors. And... a slightly heavy hand? Like confident... not always well-considered mark making HAH...

Also I think I have a pretty healthy mix of american comics/manga influences. I feel like people who are into american comics always think my art is too manga and people who are into anime/manga always think my art is too american. And I’m taking that as a good sign.

5. Do you practice other styles/have you tried other styles in the past?

I like to think I switch it up a bunch! I mean, these are pretty different, right?

I think I’ve mentioned this before but one thing I really took away from art school is that, for an illustrator at least, art style shouldn’t be consistent. Your greatest weapon is changing the aspects of your style based on the task, the emotions and message you want to illustrate etc. So depending on the project I’m working on, the fandom I’m drawing for, whether I want something to be funny or serious or dramatic, I’ll change things about my style all the time.

One thing I don’t rly post on here is really tight polished work and that’s because I do that for my day job haha. If you’re not paying me... I’m probably not gonna color in the lines.

6. What levels of artistic education have you had?

I have a whole ass diploma LOL. Bachelor of Fine Arts in Illustration. from the Rhode Island School of Design. And I had a great college experience tbh. Besides the student loans. If any of you guys are thinking about art school feel free to e-mail or message me questions or concerns, I’ll be happy to help. Be as honest as I can be.

7. Show us at least one picture you drew or sketched recently that you did not put on a public site.

heres the wandavision kids. Uhh what else do I have...I feel like I’m rummaging for loose change here...

assorted valentines prep doodles

8. What is your favourite piece that you have done?

Well, obviously this is gonna change all the time and generally it’s gonna be my most recent piece LOL. So yeah, why the hell not. I’ll say it’s this one. I have a pretty short memory which I count as a blessing for an artist. I don’t dwell that long on older work and it keeps me moving forward.

10. What do you like most about your art?

I like that it’s something that only I would make! I had this thought fairly recently and I wrote it down in my sketchbook, it’s pretty cheesy and rambling but it felt revolutionary at the time:

So yeah. I like my art best when it’s the most me and for me. And I like it least when it feels like I’m just making something for social media or for other people’s expectations or whatever.

14. What do you like drawing the most?

Kids in baggy clothing are like my go-to LOL idk if that’s obvious. but also I like being challenged so lately I’ve really loved drawing multi-character compositions, environments, weird angles, etc.

oh i LOVE drawing the underside of shoes lol. And bandages. People that are kinda beat up.. I think it comes from getting a bunch of cuts all the time. I’m always patching myself up and I want to patch characters up too.

15. What do you like drawing the least?

mmm I try to find something to like in every drawing but lets see... I don’t like doing commissions of people’s dogs. Just because it’s normally like... a family friend and my mom volunteered me without my consent and I don’t even really know what they’re expecting me to draw and I don’t even get to meet the dog. Also I’m not that great at dog anatomy. Trying to learn though.

18. What is your purpose for drawing?

This could have a million answers! Uhhh to GIT GOOD??? But also to express myself... and also to make money... I mean it depends on what the drawing IS. I draw fanart mostly to connect to people in the fandom so if you ever see me drawing fanart please take it as like an open invitation to talk to me about the character haha. 

20. How would you rank your art? (poor, mediocre, good, etc.)

Good!!! I have a lot of self-confidence primarily born out of ignorance and a short attention span. If I don’t think too hard about how many other artists are mindblowingly unfathombly good... its easy to think I’m good too! LOL

In all seriousness though, I think the opinion a person has of their art is like a crazy balancing act, right? Like you have to think you suck enough to want to get better but also you have to think you’re good enough to not want to give up. I think we’re all walking that line, I know I am! But also I’m a glass half-full type of person so. Most of the time I feel good about it.

22. List at least one of your “artspirations.”

This is a good question because I’ve been trying and failing to put together one of those “influence map” memes for like a full month now. What’s giving me a hard time is I feel like none of these are actually really obvious “““influences”““ in my art? Like it’s hard to see a lot of them in the work I make...? But idk maybe you guys’ll see what I can’t.

And these are just a couple! God there’s so many more. I could talk about other artists for ages, from all different genres of art. Daumier, Rockwell like every illustrator out there, Dana Gibson, Alex Toth, Hiroshi Yoshida, a lot of the Brandywine School. Lots of current working artists too, Karl Kerschl, frikkin Masashi Kishimoto lol, Jake Wyatt, Richie Pope, Edouard Caplain, Matt Cook, Sachin Teng, - lots of big internet artists, Sophie Li, Freddy Carrasco, Milliofish, Angela Sung... like all my friends from art school too. I could just keep going but I’ll stop for now lol.

24. Do you have a shameful art past? (recolour sprite comics, tracing art, etc.)

I mean if that’s how we’re defining shameful?? sure LOL. It’s not sprite comics but I used to do pokemon sprite recolors all the time. And I used to trace manga panels and color them... Granted this was all when I was like under 12 yrs old so it’s not even embarrassing. Can you really call it shameful when a 7 year old wets the bed or whatever? Not really. In fact some of these are cool as fuck. Look

25. Draw a picture!

Man I’m so tired now but here.

I used to get a lot of compliments for drawing people smiling lol but I don’t think I’ve drawn a lot of smiling lately.. here’s proof I’ve still got it.

OK MEME DONE. onto the rest.

I read this ask first thing when i opened my computer in the morning and it made me really emotional.. I’m so glad my sketches could help you!!

I think a lot of artists on social media talk about the struggle of making art but imo not enough people talk about the joy! Like I know it’s corny but. I really meant what I said at the beginning of that sketchbook about re-contextualizing art around process and progress > product and perfection. I think its super important..! The strength of messy, unfinished, and energetic art! For the feeling of it, for the love it!

That's crazy!!! I hope you like 'em. The whole line of x-books is really good rn imo.

Hi! I totally have the answer for digital stuff on my faq lol. But in terms of drawing on paper.. it varies! I tend to use sketchbooking and any on-paper doodling I do as a way to loosen up/warm-up or experiment. But right now my go-to aresenal is:

from top > bottom

- kuretake no.55 doublesided brush pen

- tombow fudenosuke

- muji 0.38 ballpoint

- medium size poscas

- grey tombow double brush pens

- good ol bic mechanical pencil

not EXACTly sure which inking you referring to from my sketchbook but if I had to take a guess it'd probably be the kuretake no55. That's been my main inker, lately. Great for sketching with the thin end too.

You can print out and eat my art if you like. Just please don't mass produce or re-sell. <3

Thanks! I've come to accept that my art is always gonna be sort of gestural and painty naturally. It's getting it to tighten up enough to be legible that's hard lol...

uh yeah lol I agree actually. I think yolei is great.

I assume these asks are related? LOL

1) Yeah totally true. I love David.

2) I don’t take requests, sorry! But if you want to commission me to draw Legion i would be MORE than happy to. Just e-mail me at isellhotdogs@gmail.com.

<33333333333333333333333333

[leonawriter]

My Personal Takes on Stormbringer:

Without a full and accurate translation to go through in one sitting, it’s still hard to get a handle on things properly. That said, thank you to everyone who’s working on it. 

Now.

(please note all quotes are my memory of translations I have read, and are not verbatim.)

-Asagiri, please, you do not need to make so many coding analogies with regards to Chuuya and Verlaine. They don’t work.

-It often feels - not just in this book but also in 55 Minutes, where there are tight restrictions on a time travel ability - that Asagiri limits abilities based on how scientifically accurate they are. However, this doesn’t make sense! why should it! Literature should be an expression of freedom. There should be rules - the same way the Page has rules - but in the sense of Magic A is Magic A. You make up the rules and then you don’t break them in future. Why have Kunikida able to create something with a mass heavier than a piece of paper out of a page of his notebook, but then say you can’t do [x/y/z] because it’s scientifically unviable?

-I have no issue with how skk treat each other. they are chaos teens. let them be. like... this is the beginning of their actual trust. they’re also in the mafia, and in a dark time in their lives. it’s fine. (it isn’t, but at the same time, it kinda is.)

-I feel like Chuuya taking things from other people and making that thing “his” fits him as a character? he had nothing before, so when you have nothing, all you have is what people give you. If someone gives him a bike, then that bike is his now. He has to learn to look after it, love it, and respect it, and he’ll remember that friend by it. Same goes for pretty much anything else. Also, it’s a show of how well Chuuya adapts to things, and what things he chooses to pick up.

-The hat. I do not like how the hat was treated. Making it into the key that helps Chuuya be able to activate Corruption cheapens the meaning and weight of having been given the hat as a memento of the first person who told him to live as a human being. Why not have the hat be a reminder of his humanity in a purely sentimental way? I’m going to ignore anything canon about this and just say it’s sentimental. Which, like, it could have been a safety blanket type thing, not pseudo-science.

-The coding in Chuuya’s body is a bit... of a reach? How do you put that in there? I don’t get it. Just say that there’s a possibility he might die if he uses Corruption, or that he’ll never become “Chuuya” again. That he’d lose himself utterly. The log history can be either on a chip (insert Dazai making “lost dog, if found return to the mafia” jokes here) or on something else that could easily be destroyed during the course of the story (or not).

-Dazai living in the shipping container reads to me like an extreme version of “I do not want to be found I do not want to be helped I am worthless trash and what’s the point in having an actual home if I plan on dying any day anyway.” Verlaine asks what drove him there, and Dazai says “you” and tbh that offers up so many questions (like, was the shipping container thing recent, was it temporary, or what). There’s the possibility that Dazai doesn’t always live there, because otherwise he’d suffer from hypothermia and get pneumonia in the winter! But above all, Mori had nothing to do with this. He was probably terrified to go too close in case he got killed. Stop saying Dazai lives here because “poor baby was abused :(” that sure was not it.

-Dazai goes all this way - plotting for ages, since before the beginning of the book, having been number one on Verlaine’s hit list, just to get the truth about Chuuya’s humanity and to preserve it - because “I want to see Chuuya suffer as a human being” is him saying he doesn’t want to see Chuuya become like him, or inhuman, because that’s not Chuuya. (dude, there ain’t a straight explanation for this...)

-following on from the previous, Dazai refusing to just let things be the moment he realises that it’d mean double suiciding with Chuuya. I personally see that as a shippy moment because Dazai had already given up on Chuuya being alive (if I read the translation right) and in that case, dying would just be letting go. But Mori says “yeah but I don’t think he’s dead yet?” and that, along with the “double suicide” thing, makes Dazai go “absolutely NOT.”

OK a related thing - as far as I remember, when IRL Dazai attempted double suicide, right up until his actual death it would result in either a failure or... his partner dying and him surviving. The cold potential of this happening in BSD if Dazai had just given up reminded me of that.

-Regardless of my thoughts on how it was handled, Stormbringer reinforced my previous ideas about how Chuuya basically IS Arahabaki. It also suggests that Arahabaki was more of a sentient ability than a true “god” but... that’s fine. For me, all I cared about was that all those “Arahabaki is an evil being that is constantly trying to take over Chuuya and Corruption is Arahabaki being let out” takes are not true. It’s... basically Chuuya taking the lid off his power. I joked at one point that Corruption is Chuuya going “I’m so pissed off I’m gonna kick the door open and throw away the key” and Dazai going “go for it babe, I got your key.”

-Rimbaud and Verlaine are... very complicated characters? They’re not easy to get a handle on. I sometimes find myself liking them and sometimes find myself disliking them, and that’s something that’ll be easier when I have a full translation available - and one of Fifteen. Rimbaud was held back by seeing Chuuya, at first, as nothing more than an empty vessel to Arahabaki’s power, while Verlaine was so taken over by grief without understanding how to handle that, that he became a monster up until the end of the story. Neither of them were good people. That said, their relationship to each other? It’s very complicated and reminds me of their IRL selves to a point but without the skeevy nature and without it going so far, so kudos to that.

-Adam. Knowing his creator was a ten year old girl makes so much sense when you look at the things he says and does. He doesn’t get so much. He’s very logical, but doesn’t understand that a game of billiards isn't as much of an icebreaker as he thinks it should be. Surprised by bubble gum. Games like “strange things humans do” are very much like the word games kids play in the car. 

-Verlaine being the fifth executive was something I did not predict at all, whatsoever, and I can’t stop thinking about it. Like... how did he get to that point. Only so much can be said in a few paragraphs (it seems) of “this is [x] number of years in the future where Chuuya’s an executive now.” 

The last we see of him, he’s overcome by grief, hatless, and he seems to have only just realised how much he wished he could return what Rimbaud gave to him. (Ironically, by being able to grieve like that, it shows that he is capable of what he thinks he can’t do - same as Dazai.)

But how does he become an executive? Do they come to him slowly at first, and they gradually build up trust? Does he stay in contact with Chuuya? Do they see each other properly as brothers now, or not? I can’t help but feel that as it’s a long time - six years, in fact - between Stormbringer and canon, some bond of trust must have been built. The mafia protects Verlaine from the authorities and from the outside world just the same as Kouyou says that she wants to do for Kyouka, and the same as they’re there for Chuuya, too. So. A Verlaine who trains the mafia’s best assassins not because he’s forced into it, but because he feels the same loneliness as Chuuya, and finds that it helps? A Verlaine who learns slowly that he can care about more people than just Rimbaud and Chuuya? Holy shit yes please. A Verlaine who is loyal and protective and who you should be glad is in a (probably) gilded prison of the mafia’s basement, because otherwise he would actually do so many things to those who would harm his family.

Let’s just say - if I think of Arahabaki as a guardian or protector god who is just plain destructive because it can’t help that, then Chuuya and Verlaine looking and acting in similar ways because they share that same “parent” in a sense, makes sense. They are no longer just Arahabaki, they’re “Chuuya” and “Verlaine” - but they also share traits such as “Papa Wolf” and “lonely” and “violent,” among others.

-At least twice, pre-Soukoku Dazai and Chuuya refer to how they’re constantly thinking of each other. No, they don’t mean in positive ways, but they’re chaos teens and it’s still strong emotion. Chuuya mentions how he’s thought of at least 190 ways to punish Dazai for the things that he does (which also implies how their relationship is equal, and Dazai doesn’t call all the shots, and doesn’t get away with everything scot-free), and Dazai says that Verlaine can’t possibly win against him, because Dazai “spends all of his time, waking and sleeping, thinking of ways to annoy and harass Chuuya,” (quote not perfect.) 

We also have Chuuya having Dazai appear to him first in his hallucinations, which I see as Chuuya’s inner Dazai-voice saying all the worst things, and ironically not actually saying or meaning things that would get across what real Dazai would want him to feel; in other words, that’s Chuuya’s view of him, or his mind searching for the one person he’d believe it to realistically come from.

As well, Dazai saying “there’s no way Chuuya could be an artificially constructed personality, because no one could create a personality that I [hate/that annoys me] so much.” Which, like... sure... you tell yourself that, kid...

Basically, they’re all the kinds of things that teenagers who don’t really get how strong feelings like these work yet, who are still figuring themselves (and their orientations, probably) out, would say if they don’t even like that other person that much, but they’re still attracted to them. A strong “why does it have to be THEM?” haha. And yet, as others have pointed out, Chuuya seems more on the oblivious side than Dazai, since as said, Dazai goes to all this effort and seems fond (but only when Chuuya’s not looking, dumbass) but Chuuya just... doesn’t get it.

A shorter summary of my thoughts and feelings?

Chuuya suffers, but is ultimately happier for it no matter whether he’s one of the clones or whether he’s the original (it’s arguable either way, and I don’t mind either way) as he’s still Chuuya. His bond with the mafia is also stronger than so many people think it is. They’re literally his adopted family. Even if he chose to leave, he’d still see them as family. I can’t see him leaving. He’s just... they’re family... don’t tear them apart...

The skk is strong, no matter what people say, because this is the start and it’s the end of their first year in the mafia and it’s not supposed to be a healthy time, for fuck’s sake. They’re both all sorts of messed up. They’re allowed to be. This is a time when that’s kinda the point of the book. But yeah, the trust and the bond is real.

Verlaine. I am now fascinated by Verlaine. I was so sure before the spoilers and translations came out that I’d hate him. I no longer do. He confuses me but I NEED TO KNOW MORE. 

[whatdoesshedotothem]

: Monday 23 December 1839

9

12 10/..

very fine morning F58 ½° and R -11 ¾° or thereabouts on my bedroom table at 9 ¼ - breakfast at 10 ½ in an hour – A- said French and Russian vocabulary which last she begun 2 or 3 days ago, and read Karamsin vol. 2 – breakfast just over when Larne came for 10 minutes – from his account the courier now chez Yard will probably suit us – Larne is to send him here to speak to me in an hour i.e. at 12 40/.. – the man 120/. per month – I said it was 10/. more than usual in France Italy and everywhere – the coiffeur would be glad to do what he could and be taken to Tiflis – would ask for nothing but to be taken there, and would be very useful – he has fifteen thousand roubles to set himself up with – he has had a procès about something – had 2 shops here – the one he sold to Larne and one did not do well for him – his procès is just over –

said I would think about him, but should do nothing without consulting my friends and the authorities – wrote the last 13 lines of p. 209, and the last page and to here till now 12 ¼ - was just beginning to write to McK- when count Panin called about 12 ½ and staid till 2 ½ - he still thinks that we can get 4 [tarentass] very well at Astrakhan and that this will be the best sort of carriage for us – will call upon baron Rosen, and get us all the information he can – talked over his going to England – mentioned Thomson and Bonar and six classes grades of society in England – 3 nobility old, diplomatic, and new – ancient gentry, haut commerce, and next succeeding county families (e.g. ancient gentry (county families) old and new, and haut commerce) – then still other classes of good respectable people – professions – retired tradespeople etc. etc. – then lastly had in the man sent by Larne – very likely to suit us as far as testimonials and appearances go – quilted the service of count Charles Pozzo de Borgo only last January at Paris – speaks good French – his testimonials very good – count P- on his asking 160 roubles per month out-talked him – he said that was too little – I told him one usually gave in Paris 3fr. a day – and sometimes added dix sols pour le déjeuner – he said count Charles P. de B- gave him 120/. per month and I believe the man spoke truly – I said if he suited me I would give him that in Paris, and I would certainly give him more than 60 roubles here – told him to think about it – count P- would be glad as inquire into his testimonials and if these were good from the people referred to here, he (the man) had best come to us on trial – on this he went away – I afterwards ask count P- to inquire for me tomorrow and said I would give the man 100/. per month for I thought he would suit me – count P- soon after went away at 2 ½ - and A- and I sat talking or reading bits of French in Demidoffs’ work – and I finished the rough draft of my letter to Mr. Mackean   A- has taken a thorough dislike to count P-  since Wednesday last   vide   she staid in the room but never uttered she will not be liked here – had just written so far all but the 2 first lines of this page now at 4 50/.. pm. at which hour R -10° in our salon – warmer today – R -17° this morning out of doors said count P- dressed – dinner over at 7 – sat reading till 7 35/.. – off at 7 40/.. to the princess Ourousoff and chez elle à 7 55/.. till 9 25/.. and home at 9 40/.. – princess R- in bed – sat by her bedside till the last 5 or 6 minutes – to be there at 7 ¼ on Thursday and to write down her case according to her own dictation – she has her regles  her cousin   said the old lady Madame Apraxine is ssaid to favour Mr. Meyer the music master  I said nothing but it struck me last night that she looked sweet as she sat over the piano while he played Mr. Bachmetief was sitting with prince O- this evening when we arrived – tea at 9 55/.. reading and had Grotza till after 11 and reading forwards to p. 224 vol. Caucasus till 11 40/.. – very fine day – the cold is evidently abating

[thenightlymartini]

Headcannon #...55? I think.

Geez, it’s been awhile. Don’t know if anything I do counts for aphasia week, since I also have a focus on Russia and America, so I won’t tag it as such. (I also don’t know the rules entirely).

This was a request actually from a comment from ao3 on the “Blind Date” fanfic of The Daily Life and Strange Occurrences of Commieburger.

Request:  What is your headcanons of when all your ships have night terrors/suffering from PTSD?

Warning: Mentions of violence, war, trauma, PTSD, mental breakdowns

Kimchiburger: Well, SK learned fairly later in the relationship that America suffers massive PTSD and night terrors that relate to the Civil War. Like yeah, America had seen both World Wars, and various other wars, but the Civil War still gets him and effects massive aspects of his life in current day. SK also still suffers night terrors from the Korean War, with the added problem of insomnia in the mix with the divide in the peninsula.

I headcannon that all nations undergo some form of mental instability/insanity when their nation enters a civil war or their people are divided enough, and America’s Civil War was nasty. He had to fight for his own existence in his own mind and not have it split on himself. It was like constantly fighting another form of himself that was trying to escape and murder him. Doesn’t help that it’s the bloodiest war in American history and was one of the first wars to be documented with photographs, so it’s very vivid in his mind.

All either can really do is... listen and comfort. Like they kind of understand what each other went through considering the slight similarities... but neither event are really the same. SK had to deal with being torn from his brother; America was fighting himself, and, to an extent, is still in that fight. 

RusNK: NK still gets night terrors from the Korean War, though he won’t admit so readily. Russia has night terrors relating to the Russian Revolution (particularly about Alexi, the last son of House Romanov) that don’t really scare him so much, but rather get him depressed. The PTSD from that era kicks in when glass breaks. Just the sound alone sends him into a shocked trance.

The way they help each other is more physical and mental than verbal. Like when North awakens from a night terror on the verge of hyperventilating, Russia just holds him close until North calms himself. When Russia gets into his shocked trance, North, unable to really move him himself, just holds his face and makes him keep looking at him. It’s their way of trying to ground each other when they get lost in their own hellscapes. Yeah, what happened to them sucked and reality is cruel, but they have each other right now. It’s a way to bring them back to the current moment as individuals rather than get lost in the grand scheme of nationhood.

Commieburger: These two, while America mostly suffers night terrors and PTSD from the Civil War, do share the events of the Korean War together. Kind of hard for them to talk about it to each other, especially since it reminds them that they are supposed to be enemies and not having this secret romance. But later in the relationship, all they have to do is mention it and they know they at least have the comfort of someone else who went through the same thing with them.

It did break America to the core when one night NK woke from a night terror and completely broke down and cried. All America could do was hold him while NK basically shattered in his arms and cried over how, throughout history, he and his twin could never catch a break and be left the hell alone, whether it was China, Japan, Mongolia, or any other power that tried controlling them in their lives. He even questioned why the universe hated him so much. When America tried saying he didn’t hate him, all NK said was “You’re probably the only one. Even my own brother hates me. I know it.” It took all of America’s will to not break down himself. He knew NK needed him more than ever.

When NK realized America was having one of his PTSD/hellscape moments, he was able to pick up on it fairly quickly since he’d seen China and Japan through centuries go through the same thing (he didn’t know it was from the Civil War, however). He didn’t quite count on the fact that sometimes that other self of America would take over and be so aggressive, though. First time he thought he could help America navigate through the voices... well it (America refers to the worst of the voices as such, but is most likely what would have been Confederate America) nearly broke his wrist. He was stuck in a vice like grip that left his whole wrist black and blue while he struggled to both get free and snap America out of it. It wasn’t until he was on the verge of tears pleading for his Alfred to come back that America snapped out of it. Though America was very understandably and thoroughly distraught that he hurt NK, NK refused to leave his side. They did have a very long discussion afterwards just to get on the same page.  

[iatheia]

EDA reviews Part 6 - books 47-55

Previous part 1, 2, 3, 4 & 5

47) The Slow Empire - Uh, couldn't really follow this one at all. There are books when the first person narration works, but not here - too many jumps in setting, too little connective tissue, most of it told from the POV of a person who is barely connected to the protagonists? And that's even before they started repeating chunks of text wholesale between various parts - and I couldn't figure out if it was intended, or if it is the ebook was acting out on me. More than half way through the book, I still couldn't entirely tell what the story is supposed to be about, or if the plot has even started yet. Even having finished it, I find myself somewhat aghast. There are a few glimpses of something interesting, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what. 4/10

48) Dark Progeny - Also not really feeling it. It's not a bad story, but I do rather prefer a Doctor Who story to actually feature the Doctor and the companions front and center, whether they are POV characters or not. Here, though, they are barely in it - it's even more egregious than the previous one in actually giving the supposed protagonists stuff to do, and even on rare occasions we do switch back to them, it is all pretty generic. Anji developing telepathic abilities and the Doctor trying to calm her down all the while Fitz is freaking out in the background? Yes, please, more of that. Following around 20 interchangeable OCs that have nothing to do with the trio? No thank you. 6/10.

49) The City of the Dead - If you are invoking magic in a sci-fi universe, you need to be able to handwave it. It doesn't need to be awfully complex, "something something aliens, something something energy" is usually enough, but without it, you can't just throw magic about willy nilly. There are rules.

There are moments when it is a beautiful story, evoking a lot of dream-like wonder, and if it managed to remain a hazy dream, it probably would have been better for it. At the same time there is something very uncomfortably cynical about it, to the degree it left a bad taste in my mouth. There is a narrow line between not shying away from the ugliness of the world and deliberately making something ugly just for the sake of it, and often it felt like it was leaning towards the latter. Dunno, I started out wanting to like it, and feeling rather conflicted about it, but by the end became utterly indifferent. 7/10

50) Grimm Reality - Pure crack. Mind Robber wishes it could be as hilarious and off the wall as this story is. It throws every cliche fairy tale narrative device in the book at the characters and expects them to take it with the straight face, all the while realizing that the rules of the world are completely bonkers. And it manages to sustain this energy throughout, which is a no small feat. It's actually pretty exhausting by the end of it. Fairy tales stories do not belong to a lengthy literary genre, and even taking time deconstructing them, at 95K words becomes it becomes just too much - figuratively, and, on occasion, literally. Still, pretty great, I wish more books had its energy 9/10.

51) The Adventuress of Henrietta Street - *sigh*. My expectations were pretty low to begin with, and I still am somehow disappointed. Credit where credit's due - it is probably most coherent of the books from Miles. And at least it's better than Interference. That's really not saying much, though.

Honestly, if you've read any story about prostitutes, murder, satanic sex rituals bordering on blatant pornography, eastern culture and "mysticism of female sex" used for fetish fuel, written by a dude who clearly gets off on all of this - you've read all of them. There is really nothing revolutionary or compelling about it. On the list of "plots I never want to see in Doctor Who", they are definitely up there. And the Doctor is dying again, because it wouldn't be Miles's book without it. And he's, uh... living in a brothel, trying to marry someone, in order to, uh..... ritualistically tie himself to Earth, for, reasons? Did I read that right? After over 100 years of living on Earth and wanting to do nothing else than seeing the back of it, right. And writing books not quite about sex but definitely about sex. Because that's the thing the Doctor apparently does now. Self insert what self insert. And Fitz and Anji are just... there. On an occasion. All of it exposed on in a dull faux academic style without a shred of characterization, all the while absolutely nothing of note is happening, despite being a singularly longest EDA.

Just, if you hate the characters so much. If you don't understand what makes them tick to this degree. If you don't even care to learn. If you consider any established emotions they should have about the plot you are putting them through beneath you. Why are you writing in a shared universe to begin with? 2/10

(I did have an unintentional moment of hilarity with it, though. There is a character that is referred to as Lord ______, as if his name is censored. TTS would always pronounce it as Lord Underbarunderbarunderbar. Always gave me a chuckle).

52) Mad Dogs and Englishmen - A hilarious story, a very easy read, flowing from scene to scene. There are several occasions of fridge horror treated with levity that I would have rather have avoided. Plus, it is as incestuous as a book about books can get, and yet.... It is just absurd enough to work.

Plus, the whole, “His books are full of black magic, mind control...and perversion - moral and ethical and sexual. He is polluting the atmosphere of our group”, “What’s next? Rewrite War and Peace so it’s about guinea pigs?” - Oh, the shade. It is a good book in its own right, but just for this alone, 10/10

53) Hope - It's a pretty average book. Not outstanding, not horrible. Would have made a decent episode, all things considered, in a bread and butter sort of way. It does have some great ideas - the refuge of humanity, the conflict between Anji and the Doctor finally coming to light - not quite the type of conflict I was hoping for, though. If only it had a bit more nuisance, without neatly delineated black and white, if the antagonist didn't end up being a mustache twirling villain, if the Doctor didn't end up strong-arming everyone in a much more macho manner than he normally goes for (with a rather clunky dialogue). It had potential, even if it didn't end up being realized in full. 8/10

54) Anachrophobia - Very meh. The set up was fairly contrived, it never made me care about any of the characters, including whatever the hell the Doctor and co were doing, not to mention any of the secondary characters. Not terribly engaging, after a point I was mostly flipping through it. There is some big conflict brought up at 95% mark, and it is resolved in just couple of pages via a deus ex machina and a paradox. Overall, I might have said that I would have liked it better if I was in a mood for existential horror, but I took a break in the middle to listen to the Lease of Life - and it actually touches upon several similar themes, but with and outstanding character drama and much more graceful execution, which made this book look even more poor in comparison. 5/10

55) Trading Futures - I will give the author all the points for keeping an eye on the future. Perhaps, in 2002, predicting tablets being used as menus in fancy restaurants wasn’t that big of a reach, but I absolutely had a spit take when TTS has read to me something about “eye-phones”. There are some modestly clever moments throughout the book. Too bad that the rest of it is a complete rubbish. Not terribly original, either - a lot of ideas are copied directly from other books and other franchises. Reasonably entertaining, all things considered, but in a much more slapstick sort of way than was probably intended. 7/10

Overall impressions so far - This batch is, for the most part, fine. Some stories are worst than others, some better. With one exception, nothing horrendous, but nothing to write home about, either. They are, for the most part, serviceable. Individually, they have decent enough plots. But. There is very little character work. They can generally be read in any order, or dropped entirely, and you wouldn’t miss anything. The Doctor is mostly coasting from the excellent streak in the last batch, always in a spot light. I am starting to tire of the whole amnesia arc, though - it was good, but it ran its course, and at this point, with everything functionally back to norm, with barely a stray mention of it here and there, we are starting to be overdue for some semblance of resolution of all that. Henrietta Street is entirely a step in the wrong direction - not only it does nothing worthwhile for the characters, it’s just getting unnecessarily further into the weedworks, adding yet another plot thread that is forced on other writers to carry (they mention it occasionally, but it’s not like there is much to build upon) - rather viciously reminding of the previous mess of an ark “don’t you dare to think that it is over”. And I am so over it. Just, move on.

The companions fare rather worse. They are decent enough, they participate in action, in each book, they are mostly staying in character, with a handful of neat moments here and there (in a blink and you’ll miss it sort of way, though), they aren’t written off as an unnecessary burden to carry, which is an improvement. There is nothing meaty given to them though - they ask the necessary questions, do the things required of them, and generally stay out of the way when they are not needed. I guess Anji has at least some character driven moments, even though most of them are reduced to “I miss my dead boyfriend”. Which is... fine, we’ve all lost people, we all mourn them in our own way, but it has been 14 books since her introduction, and she is leaving in another 10. To have her character reduced to just that bit from her first book, with barely anything else to offer.... Plus, all the while, she rarely felt like she integrated into the team - because she is constantly eying her exit and returning to normality (even though she always decides to stay just a little while longer due to circumstances), it’s like from the very beginning she had one foot out of the door.

But while Anji is a bit of a one trick pony, at least she has that much. Poor Fitz gets absolutely nothing to do. The last meaningful book that addressed his character in any way was all the way back around book #42-43, and even that was just catching up on plot after his prolonged absence. He’s been essentially frozen since early 30s books. He is generally a fun character to have around, and does good supporting work, but can he please get something more impactful any time soon? Heck, by this point I’ll even take the recurrence of “finding a new love interest number 20 who will inevitably die by the end of the book” - it has been overdone, and it is certainly not a very exciting plot, not to mention reductive, but at least it’d be something. Though, I guess only one companion is allowed to carry that staple at the time, and right now Anji is it, two dead lovers is just an overkill.

And it is an absolute shame - especially when considering that on the other side, Big Finish was in the middle of streak of some of the best stories. Over the same time that these novels were published, we had audios such as Project Twilight, Eye of the Scorpion, Colditz, One Doctor, Chimes of Midnight, Seasons of Fear, which were full of character.

[thecrenellations]

Return of the Thief Notes, Part One: The Book of Pheris, Volume I

Notes from my first read, October 2020. (Part Two | Part Three | TaT)

Contents:  "So, so, so” watch, Costis watch, swearing, trashing the king’s attendants, being objectively wrong, boundless enthusiasm and love 

I promise I’ve had more developed thoughts since these often incoherent ones, but I’ve enjoyed having these notes to refer to - for sentimental reasons and for  entertainment, so here they are, for others who enjoy liveblogs and/or being whisked back in time to their first read of this wonderful book.

Format: Page number. My thoughts (Context?)

Dedication, Table of Contents, Exordium:

There it is – to Sounis

Exordium – vocab #1

Interregnum?!? Alyta?

Pheris!!!

Yeah I love him from the first page

MOIRA

MOCKING COMMENTS HELP! Gen lives!

A new level of unreliable narrator

Moira, messages of Gods, Pheris, messages of __

Wtf is going on in this study? A zoo?

high king vs great king vs annux?

okie dokie dude

Chapter 1

1. Susa – Costis

2. Infirmity – who gets to be hero/tell story (I started reading right after the book launch, in which mwt spent some time talking about her writing influences and decisions connect to this question - Pheris isn’t her first disabled protagonist and storyteller, of course, but it was lovely to meet him properly directly after hearing her talk about it. Book launch foreshadowing part 1...)

Melisande?

Is this why he wasn’t taught to read?

3. Always the summer

Bees!

4. Hunting cat… hm…

Ok … shrine … 😬

5. Once again we start with a disaster or having to flee

Which Eugenides precipitated

Bite!

Little monster :(

6. Falling…

:(

7. :( :( :(

His purpose? D:

8. YIKES

Chapter 2

9. Hello there! (Gen!)

Massive chair?

10. CRACKED WATER JUG (amphora motif???)

11. Triangle from seal!

Gen that’s rude to Pheris :( (“He will fit in very well with my attendants”)

Wait. This must have happened before ACoK! (nope)

12. :(

Xikander … never made an impression before

How old is Pheris? (lol)

13. Philologos come thru!

Royal closet reappears!

14. Hello weird secondhand scene!

He is Eugenides

Marina…

15. Petrus? GALEN? OH SHIT! 

Is this why Galen was called? (nope)

16. Hell yea Petrus

Miras’ golden balls oh no

All these previously unnamed sucky attendants!

17. Ula – goddess of hearth and healing

Ok … Galen … or a god? Eugenides????? (why did these options occur to me before Mr. Shows Up At Your Bedside At Night himself)

18. Finally the attendant floor plans I crave + hunting scenes!

19. EXCUSE ME he slept through Sounis + Eddis wedding!!!

Again – high king!

20. So Ion is beautiful … hmm.

Yeah … Sejanus has facets. I like it.

21. Clearly no one would know what king would do … lol

Don’t mind me just sorting the attendants on a spectrum of awfulness!!!

22. SO SO SO – ION!!!!!

How many fucking attendants are there and how many are on my hit list!

Is “the necessaries” bathrooms or like … him stealing? (just the bathrooms ... the Gen-Pheris parallels were really getting to me at this point)

:(

23. OH MY GOD THE UNIFIED CREST

Also … frogs. Frogs.

24. Big day for Gen huh

Definitely an aura of Something as he writes about Gen

25. HELLO EVERYONE

26. Sorry Kamet, Pheris does the physical descriptions better. They’re beautiful

I’m blacking out at Eddis and Sounis

27. Jesus Christ. The bear.

Cousin time!

Under the table is the new up on the roof!

Uh… twin imagery ….

Gen’s feet!

Jesus. The matching

28. Cleon … wtf? A cousin?

A trial for Sophos?

Show! Us! Sophos’s! Shoes!

29. If u throw things out the air shaft you might hit the king

Was it a chicken?

Lol nvm the guy at night is Gen. That is … very sweet

- Showing up at night

- Accent

- Complaining about Petrus

- Swearing

- One hand

I am judging Costis and Sophos for not describing the paneling in Gen’s room!

Chapter 3

30. Was it a chicken?

An earring huh, good hand huh

31. Literally screaming “NO!” at Gen. Don’t joke about dying! I am killed by Gen on annux day. This is. My boy. Yes he is perfect. Yes he will refuse to get up. I love him. I died on page 31

Philologos is still the best of them

32. Dancing bear indeed

Always the powdered gold

Ruby!!!!! <3

Aww a smile!!! <3

Pheris he likes you!

33. They both love invisibility and lost it … I cry

Erupt like the sacred mountain excuse me!

OR WORSE return to bed! Lol

34. He’s Eugenides when he’s talking to Attolia

Ouch hero talk

! from Irene!

My queen!

Hey Phresine!

They way we do <3 he’s hating it but he’s so comfortable with her

Sister and bro mention! C’mon!

I love them

EYEBROW

35. Honestly that’s a yes (“I have no idea what you mean, my queen”)

It’s so cute they hang out in the morning … like how long was it even since they’ve seen each other lol

:( tough walk for Pheris

Is it prophecy time?

Lol how long does this construction take?!

Also … she’s pregnant, huh? but no one knows (nope)

Is befriending someone weaponized as a prank count for Gen’s enemies to friends list?

Also SHOW ME the magus. I know he’s here!

36. Pheris excuse me, why not recreate this!

Lol cast off language of history indeed

Feel the thrum of the goddess!

EXCUSE ME… a minor goddess? Mystery goddess? Or Philia?

Oh Gen

37. Well, Gen, someone is having a worse day than you.

Damn, how far we come.

Aww Sounis, babe, I love you and so does Gen

[drawing of the four of them sitting in a row]

38. Artadorus???? Pomegranate?

39. HEIRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A friend! Also lol. Two smiles, for Pheris and Heiro..

40. Yesss Melheret joke in action.

Costis has left tho right?

Jesus, Melheret

SHE GAVE HIM A HORSE (I COULD NOT DEAL with this entire conversation, but then again I could not deal with this whole book.)

41. I love them all so much

“on that horse, you will look like a king” I can’t with her sense of humor

He sure did say that

I feel like I’m missing something with the fight on foot thing … remembering battles?

Helen called him Gen!

Sophos stop talking about yourself and bringing apricots into everything lol

Lol these bystanders don’t know how lucky they are. Nor does Pheris, yet

42. She’s protecting him

Also … Gen … you didn’t want to be a soldier.

43. Guards have capes

2 startled men … hm …

Oh Gen. The fucking brutal echoes…

44. :( :( :(

Gen tell your wife you’re sick!

The attendants are so dumb

45. So, so, so :(

Tell who? Petrus?

Wink!

Yes?

46. Bleeding! Salt! Lemon! Heck no! What is he, a piece of meat?

Oranges?

47. “savoring each bite as if it were my last” ... Same … but with this book

Hmm… Alyta! Goddess of the gentle rain! (despite this “hmm,” I did not put the pieces together)

48. Oh no Teleus! And someone?

Aw he realized <3 lemon water

49. Gen eat your broth lol

50. I love them.

Ion’s really trying to make up for what he did that one time

51. Without the approval of the great goddess HAHAHA

I love them. Cousin time! Growl?

Idk whether or not to be reassured, Gen.

Wow Cleon I do not like that. Also didn’t he die? (...)

Comma (“I am not, Eddis”)

Go smack him!

52. Gen I love you.

Helen I love you.

He’s so bad at self care but I love him

Chapter 4

55. love that our narrator just disappears and reappears

56. Attolia’s brother’s bedroom? Yikes. Ominous. A detail in a story we’ve already gotten, different every time <3

57. fucking attendants. 3 good ones. Medander you were beneath Costis’s notice before but I hate you. Costis didn’t have time for you or Xikos or Xikander and nor do I

58. interesting pawn talk!!!

59. <3 Pheris :(

The Gen comparisons though

:( :( :( :(

60. flamboyance <3

Cemphora bush

Bees

61. I love him

62. I love them

Also lol “Your majesty?”

63. Name … hm … (“I have deliberately omitted [my tutor’s] name here”)

64. more twin imagery I swear

WAIT … it was his birthday! Not just Annux day?!! Gen was born in late summer???

Attendant list thank you

65. laying it all out there, huh … (that one Gen quote)

Lol they’re the same but Pheris likes horses

66. Insellia! Hello nice to meet you

67. Gen that’s mean. (“He is hardly even half of one.”)

68. Coleus leves???

“I am Eugenides.” <3

Gen why

69. Gold cups???? Hmmmmm. Also lioness. Def invoking Costis. (they’re probably not the cups, but STILL)

Earth….

70. Moira! Hi!!! Rainbow shawl!

Like a rabbit!

Pester!

I’m … very sad he uses his Attolian accent with Helen

71. Aaah so good

Mortals

Moira knows another messenger?

Does he think he can’t die in battle?

72. hmm are they WRANGLING?! (Galen and Petrus and my Fire and Hemlock word association)

Kill that pastry Irene I love you

morning training with his … guard? (Is that the whole guard or a guard? Costis senses tingling once again.)

73. Oh gen.

Ouch! (“to send people to their deaths and not risk my own is contemptible”)

Is she implying he’s paying Therespides?

74. Interesting Cleon plan. So many doubles

OUCH. (“Only if he comes back from the dead.” I assumed Lader had died in the war; it’s a different ouch now. I love that they both accidentally say things to each other that poke old wounds, and it’s not a big deal but it’s also not dismissed! Their relationship has come so far, and I love them so much.)

75. Verimius – Lavia – Celia??? Somebody is queer in there!

A GUARD

This scene confuses me. Xortix? Layteres? Aris! but dice thing is less political … so maybe? (just wait....)

76. So many reasons to hate Medander

Hey Costis! You exist! KoA happened!

Gen is just … still so uncomfortable and miserable. He chose, he has people, but still.

RIP Clopius also WHAT

77. Lol Hilarion’s grand statements

78. Yorn Fordad Hello!

Luxurious mustache

The mighty Pents?

Besin Quedue – she’s coming 4 you watch out

79. RIP Baron Hippias

Chapter 5

80. Spring! Plays! Cenna!

81. Oh dear

Oh dear

At least they said he was pretty

83. ?!? :( wine

Uh oh. Stockpiling

85. What even.

AAAAAAAAAH COSTIS

86. Omg Irene. Hissing. I love her.

Also … Gen’s the viper

Also this scene was written by Pheris.

Damn.

87. oh no.

What better man

She fucking quoted Howl. I love them.

Also, bees (this scene killed me)

90. Falling?

Oh shit

Also … Juridius and Pheris, Susa and Costis (comparing demands for information)

93. oh my god (IT’S THE WINDOW SCENE)

Oh my god

Uh

94. She! Called! Him! Gen!

I love this and it scares me

Lol Chloe

Irene you learned from her though

95. D:

96. :(

97. water stuff

98. what the heck

OH NO (Quedue scene)

Hm

100. yikes

Omg

Wow.

102. yikes yikes YIKES

103. a blade has protruded from his chest (tbt to The Thief)

jesus

106. shit

Did Gen hit him?

108. lol Phresine

109. lol

I want genuinely every character’s reaction to this shit

Chapter 6

111. what the heck Gen.

112. like a god [crown doodle]

114. Perma?

116. Gen. Gen. Gen. Do not.

117. AAAA (god intervention)

122. Juridius to Dite

124. bye Iolanthe and Ileia! Tell us about Caeta and Silla.

125. did not expect so much Ion

Chapter 7

127. Fryst god of winter

She laughed!

They’re so married

128. OH SHIT (Costis ship is sighted and I remember what’s about to happen next)

Interesting timing

He rode the horse home?

131. Beauty and good, beauty and kind

134. The gods’ goodwill

Keep them safe <3

135. Is that his MOM?!! Wtf (it was!)

Pheris steal those earrings!!!

RING! SMASH BOX!

137. AMPHORA EARRINGS (and flowers)

138. I love Phresine

139. Why do I feel like all the game birds are pigeons

140. meanwhile Gen’s been hanging out with Kamet. Shit. I cannot.

WELCOME HOME BOYS!

HELL YEAH KAMET ATTEND THOSE MEETINGS!

RELIUS COME THRU

141. lethium soup! The reversal

Safe for you

142. of course he knew <3

143. Kamet time! I love him. We get to see Kamet!!!

Also … echo of Gen’s notes on Mede

145. very handsome. … gaycostis vindication (referring to @costis’s url at the time and this post. Little did I know what else was to come in the next chapter and then a few months later with the adaptation news...)

Do you know who I am?

Chapter 8

147. Of course he’s a cartographer

A favorite huh

148. of course she didn’t tell us his age!

149. the angsty window staring I crave

Music!

151. adventure, huh

I do have a soft spot for Melheret

152. concerned about amphora gift

153. Glad they can be well and united in spite!! (Gen and Melheret)

154. Pheris loves math and I love him

155. Hello Teleus. Hello olives

Lol Relius is not into math

156. pigeons. Inkpot!

157. yeah honestly. He tortures people. He was NOT tortured by the king

159. lol (“I have noted the elective nature of certain behaviors” ... I love Relius and Pheris.)

160. The Invitation! I <3 it

161. EXCUSE ME WHO

Legarus!

FOLKS HERE WE ARE (I cannot overstate how wonderful it was to read this page. I did not know who the poem was from, and “Someone loves me very much, even with all my faults” is even sweeter to reread, but it’s just ... his confidence is so different from the tentative consideration of a new philosophy of trust and love we see in KoA. And there is subtextual queerness in the books before this one, some more apparent and some more subtle (and what is obvious to one reader may be subtle or invisible to another, in these books especially), and there is the attendant love triangle a few chapters back, but HERE - here, Pheris acknowledges the real feeling and love in Legarus’s disastrous relationship and tells us directly that his lover was a man, here he seamlessly makes it clear how bi and poly Relius is, and he quietly ties these relationships and realities to his growing understanding of the world. It’s not subtext. And there’s a lot more to come, but this page really hit me, and sort of promised the “more to come” while assuring me that what had come before, more subtly, was there. I used to have heteronormative readings of both these books and myself, and when Thick as Thieves brought them crashing back into my heart after years away, I knew better about myself, and I saw that - or the possibility of that reading -  reflected in the new book, and it was such a good surprise. It meant a lot, and this page meant a lot, and that is why I’m writing a small essay to accompany this note.) 

Lol wow

162. Where are you traveling, man (this question remains)

163. Fuck you, Orutus

164. Stole an inkpot!

165. the map!!! (Kamet’s)

166. I love them!

167. The Math Master hmm

Am I an oracle (Nope! :) )

[skgway]

1823 July, Fri. 18

7 55/60

12 50/60

1/2 hour in the stable (look after the horses, giving Hotspur oat-cake) and just walked a little down the lane to see that the hay-makers were at work – At breakfast at 9 1/2 from 10 to 11 10/60, sauntered with my aunt into the Allan-car to see the hay-makers there – And weeded the quick-wood hedge planted there in the winter – Making dye and blacking for the gig after M– [Mariana]’s receipt –

At 11 40/60 took George in the gig, and drove the black mare outside Skircoat moor – In returning called at Mr. Wiglesworth’s and brought back Baines’s Yorkshire Directory etc. 2 volumes which Mr. W– [Wigglesworth] yesterday promised to lend us –

Got home at 1 10/60 – Went into the hayfield (the Pearson Ing) with my aunt and did not come in till 1 3/4 – Curled my hair, had it pinched ready for evening – Note from Miss Pickford, a line or 2 to say her nephew Sir Joseph Radcliffe was come to Savile hill, and she could not walk with me this afternoon – We were to have met at Whitley’s at 4 1/4 – Sent the servant back with my compliments no answer required –

Mean to write her a little note relative to her question when she last drank tea here about the funeral rites of the Scythians – Looking over Larcher’s notes on the subject; turned according to his reference, to libro iv. capitulo 1. Ælian – Hustled over Plutarch’s lives at the name Theodosus; but of course could not find what I wanted, not having Plutarch’s libro αὐταρϰῪϛ Ὑ ϰακία etc. An vitiositas ad infelicitatiene sufficiat vide Ælian as above, and Larcher volume iii. page 491 –

Wrote the last 9 lines of today, dressed and went down to dinner at 4 55/60. At 5 3/4 down the old bank to Well-head, got there at 6 by the church – Only the family – Mr. and Mrs. W– [Waterhouse] and their 3 oldest daughters – Speaking of parliamentary elections said there was no subject on which I felt more warmly – Wished for another contested election, and that we might be able to bring in 2 ministerial members –

Mr. Wortley we all observed was likely to have a seat with the pews – When should we get in his place – Lord Harewood had not a son fit for it – We did not know whom to mention – But so far from 2 blue members Mr. W– [Wortley] feared we should not have one – I maintained Mr. Lascelles had lost his contested election thro’ want of better management and the rascality of his York attorney, not Woolley, who kept letters (respecting votes) in his pocket unopened till it was too late for them to be of use –

But the other party always outwitted us – We were always too late, or too supine – Coupled Mr. W– [Wortley] on his good judgement in not voting at all at the election of a law – Against to the navigation company – He said it was neither forgotten nor forgiven by some of the party (of course) Mr. and Mrs. James Stansfield) who said Mr. W– [Wortley] acted thus on account of religion – and “the election was lost for righteousness sake” – (Mr. James S– [Stansfield] is a unitarian) – This led me to remark that Mr. W– [Wortley]’s vote could not have gained the election: as it was 2 gents voted who had no votes; and, to say nothing of this, my uncle as chairman would have had the casting vote, and thus must have given the election to Mr. James Norris –

I then observed pretty severely upon the means the Messieurs Rawson and Briggs had taken in favour of Mr. James S– [Stansfield] their instigating Mrs. Christopher Saltmarshe’s note to me (of Tuesday 27 May 1823) begging me to use my influence with my uncle “that in case” (to use Mrs. S– [Saltmarshe]’s own written words) “Mr. L– [Lascelle] had promised has vote to Mr. N– [Norris] and at the same time, did not feel interest in his obtaining the appointment: but had given his vote, as many do – to the first applicant and not from wishing him to succeed. And if it would not be taking too great a liberty to ask such a favour – that he would have the goodness not to present himself, at all, at the election but preserve a neutrality”  –

I observed that a note to ask me to ask my uncle to break his word if given, was an insult; that, if almost any one else had ventured to do such a thing to me, I should never have spoken to them again, but then I excused Emma; it must be her ignorance – Her yielding to her brother Mr. Stansfield Rawson; I knew, I felt assured, she did not mean an insult; she had even so excused herself and so apologized in her note that I would not take any serious notice of it, but, being out when the note arrived, I had never written any answer to it but merely called, and turned it off in joke – Adding that they little thought how much I was the last person in the world to whom such a note could be addressed with impunity, and that, so far from influencing my uncle as they wished, I had done just the contrary; –

For, in fact, my uncle’s vote was not promised – He was at liberty to stay at home if he chose he had made no promises, he had merely said to Mr. N– [Norris]’s oldest brother when he called, that he “thought he should not be his enemy” – But I told my uncle the easiest way would be to say at once, he had promised his vote – And if it was possible that he should be determined to go to vote for Mr. N– [Norris]. Thus, said I, they absolutely defeated their own ends –

Said I had merely laughed to Emma, saying her note was far too late – She ought to have written a week before – I mentioned too, to the W– [Waterhouse]s having drank tea at Lightcliffe some time before this, and that what Mr. P– [Priestley] said had put me a little on my guard, for he, Mr. P– [Priestley], was anxious not to have Mr. N– [Norris] elected, but tho’ I did not then agree with him (knew nothing of Mr. N– [Norris]’s alleged setting himself up – Being too meddling – Too blabbing – Likely to injure the navigation – Concerns by too much influence, his older brother being clerk to the company) yet I had merely laughed and said Bless me, we must think of all this –

We have all been gulled into thinking Mr. N– [Norris] a very proper person and said if we had a hundred votes we should give him them all – But I would tell my uncle what he (Mr. P– [Priestley]) said, and we must think of it – Determined then to advise my uncle to give Mr. N– [Norris] his vote, tho’ it was quite unnecessary to tell the P– [Priestley]s this –

It appeared that Mr. and Mrs. W– [Waterhouse] had gone to the Saltmarshes about 1/4 hour after Mrs. Saltmarshe had sent the note – They condemned it at the time, so did Mrs. Rawson of Stony-Royde; and Mr. Saltmarshe declared, if he had been at home, Emma should not have sent it – But said I, the matter did not rest here; for afterwards there came a note (I believed in Mr. Stansfield R– [Rawson]’s hand-writing) written in the names of the bank-firm to my uncle himself, making the same request Emma had done; and still, not satisfied with this, Mr. Briggs, bringing with him Mr. William Priestley (of Lightcliffe) had after this called on my uncle; and Mr. B– [Briggs] had the effrontery or ignorance to make the same proposal to my uncle of staying at home – Of breaking his word if given –

I believed my uncle was a little agitated (he looked so when he returned to us in the breakfast room) that any man should make him such a proposal – But he calculated on the ignorance of the person – Knew he could not mean to insult him – Kept his temper, and calmly said –  “He could not do it – He must be consistent with himself” – Mr. W[illiam] P[riestley] knew too well what he was about to say a word of such a thing – He said nothing but simply that he thought if his uncle had been alive (the late John Walker Esquire of Crownest) he would have given his vote to Mr. Stansfield –

Both Mr. & Mrs. W– [Waterhouse] quite agreed in the justice of my remarks – Mr. W– [Waterhouse] quite surprised that Mr. Stansfield R– [Rawson] – Should have written such a note – He never knew of this near of Mr. Briggs’s calling – He knew they had done this to a Mr. Crossley (at or near Rochdale) whom they had persuaded to stay away, after he promised to give Mr. N– [Norris] his vote; – He knew they had tried to persuade Mr. Thomas Dyson of Willow-edge to do the same; but he had never thought they would make such an attempt with my uncle – Broadly insinuated, he did not think they durst – It was an insult to a gentleman –

The subject turned for a minute or 2 to Mrs. Empson – Mrs. Waterhouse had heard something I had said of her (Mrs. W– [Waterhouse]) and she had “long meant to give me a wipe” – I saw Mr. W– [Waterhouse] was a check upon her – He did not wish her to name it – At last I succeeded in learning that I “was very cool”, but I had said “I never saw Mrs. Empson so like Mrs. Waterhouse” that is as she (Mrs. E– [Empson]) was when she was telling her mind – I replied I had no recollection of making such a speech: it was very unlike me to do so: nor did I believe I had made it – But I perhaps I might  

Mrs. W– [Waterhouse] must be aware the similitude might be good in 2 points – I had seen Mrs. W– [Waterhouse] out of temper and she had once behaved to me in a very unintelligible way: but I had forgotten or rather overlooked it, and it was very unlike me to revert to it in such a many –

If I had said it at all, it must have been merely to my uncle and aunt at home; but certainly if I really had said it elsewhere it was in confidence to Mrs. Rawson of Stony Royde or more probably to Mrs. Saltmarshe (which however I did not could not believe to be the case unless one of them should assert it); and I should know better how to say things in confidence in future –

However; I begged Mrs. W– [Waterhouse] to understand that said or unsaid I was very happy to make her any and every apology in my power, laughing and adding I knew her to be really good at heart – I would not quarrel with her – She was now a privileged person, and might say what she liked – As for Mrs. E– [Empson] “Love rashly formed too often ends in hate”, and I dared say she how hated me as much as she had ever done the contrary –  “No! No! You are mistaken she does not do that” – “Then”, said I, “I have done her unjustice but it is too late now to say anything about it – It is a dead cut between us – I may speak to her at other places or how I did so in York – But here perhaps I may take no notice of her at all” –

Mrs. W– [Waterhouse] and I parted very good friends and I came away at 8 55/60 – Mr. W– [Waterhouse] set off to walk a part of the way home with me, came all the way, I persuaded him to come in to see my uncle and aunt, and he sat with us till 10 55/60 – As we walked along, I asked if he did not think this business of the Greenups a rascally thing: of course, he did not like to say yes, at once but certainly did not contradict it, quite the contrary –

He said no attorney in the town would have done for them for Mr. James Norris has unless it was a young man, and had a character to lose – But he had gone thro’ a great deal – He had been kicked out of the room, and buffeted about, and abused – Ashewed, very worthy man (a creditor of the G– [Greenups]) had said to Mr. W– [Waterhouse] that they ought to be very much obliged to Mr. N– [Norris] they ought to make him a very handsome present, but perhaps he had done himself more harm than any good the G– [Greenups] could do him – 

I said, had my uncle known all this before the election, he would have staid at home – For he had too much the feeling of a gentleman and the principle of an honest man to countenance, or appear to countenance such conduct in any one – I thought the G– [Greenups] would make £20,000 by this business – Mr. W– [Waterhouse] thought they would make half thin debt – That if they owe as was said fifty-thousand pounds according to Mr. W– [Waterhouse] they will clear £25,000 – I thought such things ought not not to be overlooked – such people ought not to be noticed – Mr. W– [Waterhouse] agreed; but, said he, “these things get over, and in a few years are forgotten” –

Sat up talking to my uncle and aunt till 11 50/60. Spiriting up my uncle about the pride of the family about Shibden etc.  Having Pontey or Mickle improving the place which I always take every opportunity of urging and I think I shall succeed at last –

After coming upstairs began thinking of a contested election and a plan for bringing two blue members. Thought of writing anonymous from Bradford (but to be dire[c]ted to me here) to ask the chancellor of the exchequer whom we should choose if Wortley is made a peer. Began building castles about the result of my success, the notoriety it would gain me, an introduction at court perhaps, a barony etc. etc.

A glass of hot red wine neguss taken with Mr W[aterhouse] (I never take any) heated me. I thought of myself how slight the partition between sanity and not. The blood seemed in my head. I was not likely to sleep. I tried to compose myself by thinking [of] that almighty being who had created me. I had already said my prayers fervently and on getting into bed began repeating the lord’s prayer aloud again and again for ten minutes till the tears trickled down my face and at a little after it struck one fell asleep –

No rain today except a slight shower about 2 o’clock which could not do much harm to the hay – Yet a dull day – No sun – No drought – Yet got in nine loads – Very soft, and damp, too much so I fear –

[dreamcatcherfication]

The Queens of London Part 1 - You Are Cordially Invited

So seeing as I’ve got a ton of free time, I’ve got this multi-chapter fic planned out. Depending on how it’s received, we’ll see how often the chapters will come out. Requests are always open and comments are gladly accepted. This is vaguely reminiscent of Ocean’s 11, even though I’ve never seen the movie. Unedited, I apologize for any grammatical errors. Kat-centric fic.

Writing Masterpost

Summary: When Katherine Howard received a strange invitation from a group of women known as “The Queens”, she had no idea what to think. The last thing she expected was to be thrown into the center of a dangerous conspiracy against some douchebag named Henry. But by now Kat’s learned that she really has no idea what to expect anymore.

Trigger Warnings: Mentions of Sexual Harrassment

To say it started out as a normal day would be an accurate, if boring, way to start her story. But if Kat was honest, that’s exactly how it began. The sky was slightly overcast, typical for London weather, and people were out and about on their daily strolls. As for Kat, she was sitting on her stool on the side of the cobblestone street with an old worn guitar in her lap and an open case in front of her. A few stray pounds were in the case, but not nearly as much as Kat was hoping for.

She knew what to expect after almost a year of live music. On a normal day, she would make about 50 pounds, give or take ten if it was a good or bad day. Not the best profession, but for a barely high school grad student, she had learned not to complain. Besides, she got to see plenty of interesting faces everyday, sometimes even familiar ones. 

One of the faces she would see everyday was Jane Seymour, wealthy millionaire known for being one of those most charitable people in London. She even had a hospital in construction currently to be named the Seymour hospital. Every person in London knew her name, but oftentimes they wouldn’t notice her when she was out in public wearing some discount Urban Outfitters clothes. Jane never noticed Kat and her guitar, she was far too busy on a phone call with someone or frantically texting her employees every morning. But Kat always noticed her walking by at the same time - 7: 55 AM.

It was a shame really, that the millionaire never noticed Kat. The musician had always looked up to Jane as a role model, and soon enough seeing her every morning became the highlight of Kat’s day. It was much easier to put on a bright face after spotting her idol. It helped her get through the harder parts of the day, especially with the men who would come around.

Those were some of the worst days when Kat had to pack up and leave early. It was usually the same man, Francis, who would cat-call her and make lewd comments. Sometimes a passerby would tell him off, but he always came back. To be honest, he frightened Kat, especially when it came to her history with guys like him. But she couldn’t afford to give up street performing because of one sleazy guy. She needed the money, and that was that.

It was like any other day, not particularly good or bad. Francis hadn’t shown up, which was a plus, but there weren’t too many pounds she had racked up with her singing. Sighing, Kat realized she’d have to make packaged ramen for dinner again.

Finishing her final song, Kat watched as a woman with sunglasses dropped something into her case. “Thank you,” Kat said softly and smiled at the woman, but the woman had already turned around and started walking away. Kat frowned but didn’t think much of it, going into her case to count up her pounds. She was shocked to see a white envelope sitting on top of the pounds, bright and perfectly sealed. It hit Kat that the woman who has just been there probably dropped it by accident, so she stood up frantically and called, “Miss?” Unfortunately, the woman was long gone, nowhere in sight.

Something on the note caught Kat’s eye causing her to freeze in place. The letter had written in cursive at the top Katherine with a thin pen. The ink looked almost fake with how perfect it was on the page. Reaching her hand in to grab the envelope, Kat jerked her hand back before she could grab it. It didn’t make sense to her. Why would this woman drop a letter for her but not stick around to make sure she read it?

A shadow fell over her and Kat jumped up, afraid it might be Francis. Instead, it was just a cloud covering the Sun, reminding her that it was almost evening. Packing her guitar into its case, Kat hurriedly made her way back to her studio. It was a small studio on the edge of London, and Kat was pretty sure her landlord was a drug dealer, but after avoiding him for long enough, he had given up on her. The studio was tiny, the size of one room with a wall split down the middle. The bathroom was next to the bedroom (if it could be classified as one) where they were split from the living room/kitchen by half of a wall. The bathroom had only a shower curtain concealing it from the bedroom, and the kitchen could only be defined as separate from the living room because of the tiny, moldy couch placed in the center.

Setting the guitar case down on the floor of her bedroom, Kat opened it up and took out her guitar. She pocketed all the pounds to be counted later until all that was left was the envelope. Shakily pulling it out, Kat held her breath. Opening it felt like a disservice, ruining the perfectly sealed letter, but Kat found herself tearing it open as curiosity bit its icy jaws into her.

The note was folded into three sections, although it seemed relatively short in itself.

Katherine,

We hope this note finds you in good health and that your music work has been treating you well. We hate to skip so quickly past to pleasantries, but we must ask for your assistance. While we can’t say much in this letter, we know about your connections. And right now, we can really use them. Henry has wronged all of us, and you… we can’t even imagine. 

We can’t say much more but we’re having a meeting. Great Newport Street, the building with the under construction sign, tonight at 11 PM sharp. All of us will be there, and we hope to see you too. If everything goes to plan, this will be more than beneficial to you, we’re sure. After all, Henry’s been making sure we’re all barely scraping by. With him gone, you’ll be richer than you ever thought. We know that’s why you’re in all of this.

We won’t blame you if you don’t show up, but we could use someone like you. 

Best of luck with business,

The Queens

Dropping the letter to the ground, Katherine suddenly felt as if she had just been targeted by the mafia. Was that what was happening? It was too outlandish to be a business offer, that was for sure. And it sounded awfully shady, whatever the “Queens” were offering her. And why her? Why Katherine Howard, the nobody, the invisible girl?

So many questions sped through Kat’s mind as she tried to process the letter. How did they even know who she was? The one thing that kept coming back to her was the name Henry. Kat had never met anyone named Henry, yet the note referred to him as if Kat would know exactly who they were talking about. 

The most worrying part of it all, Kat realized, was that she had already made up her mind. Without realizing it, Kat knew she would be going to that meeting and figuring out what was going on. Maybe it was her unbridled curiosity, or maybe it was her desperate need for the promised money so she could finally eat something other than old ramen, but Kat was sure. Silently, she prayed that these mysterious “Queens” were serial killers targeting her as she jotted down the address on her arm. 

It was a serious risk, going to some random location, but Kat kept murmuring to herself, “It’s either this, or another pack of ramen.” It was that reassurance that got her to push through in the cold night air. She was bundled up in her definition of winter clothes even though it was the middle of fall. The night air was much colder than she wanted to admit, but Kat didn’t own much more than a coat and a scarf to keep her warm. The streets were practically empty, the occasional sound of a car rumbling by reminding Kat that she was still in London.

Reaching her destination, Kat checked her watch to make sure she was on time. 11:02 PM it read. “It’s probably fine, right?” The building in question looked like a theatre, but the windows were covered up with wood and masking tape. A sign on the front door read Under Construction, confirming that Kat was in the right place.

Slowly pushing open the door, Kat stepped inside the foyer, the door giving a light jingle as it moved. “You’re late,” came a voice from the dark, startling Kat. She jumped and whirled around to find whoever had just spoken.

A few paces away stood a tall, well dressed woman with blonde hair. She looked serious, but not angry, as she glanced Kat up and down. “No matter, at least you’re here.” She ushered Kat forward and led her toward the back of the building. There was a flight of stairs leading downwards into the basement, and Kat couldn’t help the knot of anxiety that built up in her stomach as she walked to what very well could be her death. She suddenly felt stupid for thinking this could possibly turn out well.

At the bottom of the steps was a door, and the woman leading Kat opened it and pushed her through. On the other side sat eight women at a round table, all of them turning their heads to see who had entered. “Ah Joan, looks like our guest has finally arrived,” spoke one of the women. Katherine whipped her head to look at the speaker and had to restrain herself from gasping. On the left side of the table sat Jane Seymour, her eyes tuned on Kat and a small smile on her face. She was dressed in more formal wear than Kat usually saw her with, but it was still the same woman.

Finally, recognition set in as Kat surveyed the room. Next to Jane was Catherine de Aragon, the CEO of Aragon News, one of the most successful news outlets in London. On Aragon’s left was Catherine Parr, a world renowned journalist and author, and an associate of Aragon News. Continuing from there was Anne Boleyn, one of the most wealthy bar owners in London. Every bar Kat had ever passed almost always had a Boleyn sign, marking that it belonged to the wealthy entrepreneur. On the other side of Anne was a famous face, Anna von Cleves, a famous fashion designer from Germany who came to London and revolutionized the fashion industry. Completing the circle were three other women Kat had never seen before, similar to the woman Jane referred to as Joan. The first woman had darker skin and was clearly of Spanish descent, with her curly locks framing her face. The next one looked young, only a couple years older than Kat herself, but her fingers were nimble and her eyes looked experienced. The final woman was wearing a smirk, her hair pulled back into a slick ponytail to show off her smooth, well made up face.

It took all of Kat’s willpower not to openly gasp and start freaking out. These women acted as if they knew her, so all she could do was attempt to play it cool. Joan nodded to Jane’s statement and turned back to Kat. “Queens, meet Katherine Brandon. Brandon, meet the Queens. I think we all have a lot to discuss.”

Kat’s eyes went wide. Brandon? Her brain yelled in confusion. Brandon? Unintentionally, Kat murmured under her breath, “Oh snickerdoodles,” as she was led to a seat surrounded by nine powerful and influential women. This was definitely not how she was expecting her day to turn out.

[anne-lister-adventures]

Saturday, 8 February 1840

6 10/’’

3 5/’’

A-[Ann] awoke me to strike a light at 5 – Slept well and comfortably on my 2 mattresses placed on our 2 large portmanteaus and a box we found in our room – Breakfast now at 6 3/4 and all over at 7 1/2 Reaumur 6 1/2º in our room – A-[Ann] had felt cold, but had the stove been heated our little 7 ft.[feet] high room would have been an oven –

Off (from Manacowa) at 8 – Pretty undulating parky pine-wooded country Reaumur -13º lying at the open door on my side the Kibitka – Fine morning – As we drove off – Several little valleys and gullies as if beds of rivers and melting snow streams, and pass over several wood-bridges and little frozen lakes – Several villages – The good village and church of Tirêvĕnĭa (as pronounced) at 10; and another large village at a little distance – 

Forests and wood Scotch fir with a little spruce and much birch and a little poplar, and a good deal of young oak-copse, or brush wood as yesterday – The most hilly stage we have had, and interesting corn country – Rather pointed caps today – What sort of Tartars? More snow on the road today than before – A line of birches (sometimes 2 lines) mark off the road 60 to 100 yards wide – Mills with sit sails - 

At our next Station Osablicowa at 11 1/4 – Neat good house – A-[Ann] cold – Came in – Large good room – Wrote all the above of this p.[page] and we had the pot brought in       first time a great convenience – 

Osablicowa pronounced Zabliski (pogosk or bourg) – Good church – Station just before entering the Town – Had just written so far – And the sun shining on my paper now at 11 50/’’ – 

Off at 11 55/’’ – Do not enter the town at all – Leave it (go alongside) at a little distance with its 3 good churches finely situated along a high bank over valley between us as if over a river – Very pretty picturesque looking Town – In the valley just between us and the Town a large Tannery and great deal of leather hanging up today – Nice undulating country – The country probably began to improve upon us at Vladamir; and improves as we go along and at 12 40/’’ gallop over little frozen river and thro’ 2 white pillars, the boundaries between the Governments of Vladimir which we quit and Nijeniy which we enter – 

At 1 3/4 at Jarilowo good, pretty small village or hamlet – Good Station-House – Canifs, knives &c. &c. the manufacture of the country offered to us for sale thro’ our Courier, but not wishing to buy any, nobody came to torment us, and we did not even see the things – 

Off again (from Jarilowo) at 2 10/’’ and at 3 35/’’ pass thro’ good Town – picturesque – Having 3 handsome stone churches and at 3 3/4 pass (a little distance left) the good Monastery of Serkos as pronounced by our Courier – Enclosed by a wall with a round tower at each of the 4 corners – The great gateway passes under the tall picturesque pointed clocher, and behind at a little distance (in the middle of the Monastery enclosure?) a handsome looking church – But this Monastery tho’ handsome and picturesque as an object is a nutshell compared with Troitsa – Part of the wall high and loopholed but the penthouse (seen outside) spoils it – And great part of the wall is low and garden wall like – 

At four incur a cross think loosely of [Pi-Mariana] as I always do now when she serves me for these purposes which I do not now give way to very often but I have had no opportunity of putting anything on nor have I washed once so that my shift is one clot and the hair is clotted together and this and the friction of jolting brought on erection which as I lay conveniently down in the bottom of the kibitka and A[Ann] sleeping I did not discourage found myself very large at night and glad of a wash and to get rid of my clotted chemise       never such a thing occurred to me in my life before – 

From Jarilowo at 2 10/’’ to Aleschkowo at 4 50/’’ ∴[therefore] the Town was about 1/2 way and the Monastery ten minutes more than that – Neither marked on our map – Only the Post Towns and Stations marked but still the map is very full – 

It seemed our Courier was dining ∴[therefore] we having alighted ordered tea – this and the 2 last Stations good – New, large good rooms – Tea at 5 40/’’ to 6 20/’’ – Paid the civil government Post-Master who came in – Put down on the table the 50 Kopek in silver, and he seemed well satisfied It is enough to give for Semovar and cream and use of room – Had to wait for the things repacking – 

Off again at 6 40/’’ from 6 40/’’ to 8 55/’’ from Aleschkowo to Doskino slept the greater part of the way till A-[Ann] suddenly roused me to pick up our lantern which in one of the great jolts had come down with the iron bar on which the pockets are hung – Hardly anything is strong enough to bear such jolts – And when not these there is a strong tremulous motion like that on board a steamer near to the engine – A-[Ann] felt sickish she said once or twice and so did I – But I did not think of it, and it passed off in slumbers, for when crouching down in the bottom of the Kibitka, and propped up with our pillows &c. and having passed so few hours in feather-bed case, we sleep in spite of the jolts par excellence – Glad to pick up our lantern for fear of breakage and fire – We might be 1/2 or all out burnt to death before we could get out – The door pad-locked on A-‘s[Ann’s] side to keep it shut – And the door not opened in a moment on my side tho’ not locked – Held the lantern in my hand till we reached Doskino – 

Off from there in 25 minutes at 9 20/’’ slept – At Nijeney at 1 10/’’ – The rooms to be 12/- per day – 3 rooms and little places of some sort close by including little anteroom might for our 3 men and one woman she (George’s wife) really very handy and attentive – A sofa in each of two rooms, and bois de lit and mattress in our middle room (salle à manger) but A-[Ann] put her mattresses on her sofa, and I mistrusting mine and bed stocks too put mine on chairs – Undressed and washed – Put on my usual night things and over these my Chelat – My Cossack sheep skin lined huge-sleeved pelerined pelisse, and lay down on my mattresses – 

Soon after leaving Doskino last night – George came to beg we would walk down the hill – So steep, dangerous – Afraid we might be overturned! Declined the walking and reached the bottom safe – Looked out of my window the descent seemed steepish a high mound left and I could not what right – A-‘s[Ann’s] window blocked by herself and the glare of the wax light – Could only see out of my own by shading off the light, and putting my head out a little – But never dark – That is one can always see the road when there is so much snow on the ground and so many stars – More snow in the Government of Nijeney than in Moscow or Vladimir? But no great depth anywhere, and very little drifting – Very fine day –

Route from Manacowa (Monakovo) to Nizhny Novgorod.

A view of Nizhny Novgorod in 1911.

[symbols in margin of the page:]    X

[in the margin of the page:]             Enter Government of Nijeniy

[in the margin of the page:]             Monastery of Serkos

[in the margin of the page:]            observation on my cousin

[in the margin of the page:]            Nijeney

Page References:  SH:7/ML/E/24/0007 and SH:7/ML/E/24/0008

[awhilesince]

Thursday, 1 July 1830

4 3/4

12 1/4

then lay on the bed above 1/2 hour – Fahrenheit 64° a.m. and fine morning – off at 6 1/2 – walked to rue St. V– (Victor) in 48 minutes – In good time for Lecture 16 from 7 1/2 to 8 1/2 Desfontaines on the labiées, scrophulaires or personnées – breakfast – Lecture 31 Langier (suite du mercer and on silver) from 9 25/.. to 10 55/.. – then in the École de botanie studying the labiées above 1 1/2 hour, and home at 12 3/4 – 

rain sent me in which rain continued above an hour pretty smartly – found my books will not keep well here against the outside wall between the windows – must take them home before I set off to the Pyrennées – reading Flore de France till long after 2 – then wrote the above of today and opened my letter which George brought about 1 1/2 from M– (Mariana) Lawton – 3 pages and the ends (short) – nothing particular – no mention of the Messieurs Lawton – 

‘with regard to my health it is for the most part good – I do not stick to vegetables – but live chiefly upon poultry – I find it agree very well with me – but if I suffered again from indisposition, I should return to roots’ – 

speaking of sending the Lawtons the girls to school ‘I promised to help a little, but I cannot do much  indeed from the account you give of your own affairs I think even that little will be wanted in another quarter  I think it will be well if you do not find the rent roll of Shibden much below the mark of your wants  a journey to the Pyrennees in such company will not I suppose be done for nothing what do you calculate upon as the probable expense  §§I have told her twice –  she says not a word of having sent the hundred pounds to Hammersleys  I begged her to send it saying that as I was obliged to draw before the rent day I should like to have this hundred sent as ssoon as possible but it should be ready for her whenever she wanted it  I think she is getting frightened of my having it she is a great goose and is throwing away her best opportunity of tieing me  I will do without her money perhaps eventually without her too – 

till 2 50/.. writing the above of today – $$ I have been looking back to see what I said, but cannot find any note of it – did I say it would cost three hundred?  I think I did – 

from 3 20/.. to 5 wrote 3 pages to M– (Mariana) nothing particular – in answer to how much did I think the journey would cost – said 

‘3 or four hundreds, as I fancied I had told you in a preceding letter – Lady Eastnor goes tomorrow – I dined again at the Embassy the other day, and had an opportunity of saying what a pity it was that Mr L– (Lawton), the other brother, was imbecile, etc etc what you wished me to say – I mentioned also you having taken the priory – but something or other soon turned the subject, and I had hardly time to hear more than she supposed you were a very clever person – Perhaps the fame of your club follows you everywhere – I had a very kind letter the other day from Lady Gordon, and a very kind letter, too, from Miss Maclean’s friend Miss Mackenzie (Honorable Francis) you know whom I mean – she would be very glad of my joining her; and, perhaps, if nothing at present uncounted upon prevents, I may eventually Travel a little with her in Italy, where her good society, and intimate acquaintance with the language and literature of the country, would be an essential comfort to me – I really am most lucky in my travelling companions’ – 

mention having now no Expectation of Miss Maclean’s coming at present – 

off at 5 35/.. – got into the Favorite (au omnibus) to Place Maubert thence fiacre home at 6 10/.. – Forest cut my hair – dressed – dinner at 7 10/.. – Madame Decantes came – long while trying on and ordering – sent for the Tailor – not at home – determined to put both George and Cameron in mourning – wrote the last 13 1/2 lines – coffee at 10 5/.. – staid talking to my aunt about M– (Mariana) – and Lady Gordon etc might arrange with Lady Gordon or Miss Mackenzie a mere chance whether with π (Mariana) or not – 

came to my room at 10 55/.. at which hour Fahrenheit 65° – fair but damp evening – very rainy after till near 7 p.m. – wrote the ends and finished and read over my letter to M– (Mariana) which took me till 11 1/2 –

reference number: SH:7/ML/E/13/0059

[misslisterkeepsajournal]

1826 Tuesday 14 March

7 1/2 11 25/60

Went into the stable - Sent off my letter to 'Mrs. Betsy Harrison Mr. Fisher's, Petergate, York' - Went out at 8 3/4 to James Sykes for a few minutes - at 9 down the o.b. [old bank] to H-x [Halifax] 1/4 hour with Mr. Parker giving him directions for advertising Northgate house with or without the whole or part of six days work of land or ten if wanted (taking the 2 fields Thomas Greenwood has) - to be let from year to year or for a term of years - to be advertised twice in the Leeds Intelligencer and Leeds Mercury - then asked Mr. Parker to consider of the best means to recover the £66 odd from the commissioners of the Brighouse and Denholme Gate road - mentioned seizing the tolls - Mr. P- [Parker] thought the law would not bear us out in this - said it was my fathers proposing - bade him speak to my father on the subject -

Got home in 54 minutes Went down to Jackman preparing to begin wearing at the great bend in the brook at the bottom of the Dolt wood - Came in to breakfast at 10 50/60 - Mr. Carr came a little before 12 - He will take my price £160 per days work for the quantity of land we wanted yesterday - Mr. Samuel Washington to come over and stake out and measure for us as soon as possible - Staid perhaps 10 minutes with Mr. Carr, then talked it over with my aunt - she seems quite satisfied - Including this purchase and the ground at Northgate and the cottage building there, I do not think, if we borrow the money (about £1400) at 5 percent, it make a loss of income of more than £35 a year - came up stairs a little before one - Calculating what money we should probably receive and probably spend before the next rent day - the receipts ought to be about £300, the expenses will be about £2000 - I hope we can do with borrowing £1500 - If this be the case, I think we shall have about £950 a year - then wrote the above of today - all this has done me good -

On coming in from H-x [Halifax], found a letter from Mrs. Milne (Langton) - read it at the breakfast table my aunt saw that something was the matter and at last inquired - I merely mentioned from whom I had heard - and my aunt began innocently wishing I had no friends etc. etc. they never left me at rest, etc. etc. - I felt as if I could not say much, or think much on any subject - would write immediately even tho I felt it would be wisest to drop the matter here and write no more my heart misgave me I did not expect just such an answer and yet she was right the first page and two lines on the second were probably seen by Charlotte thanks for the regles d'ecarte 'of which I cant understand one word' etc. etc. 'I am full of astonishment at Mariana's hop'....Mrs. N- [Norcliffe] hopes she will make Langton in her way, etc. etc. then on the second page as follows

Langton March thirteenth strange and inconsistent but I have done never more shall letter of mine hurt your eye or wound your heart you have indeed with a ruthless hand snatched and destroyed the blossoms you yourself planted in my bosom but it is ever so with me it matters not however a few short moments of weal or woe and this scene must close on the wretched and on the happy I have it under your own hand otherwise no power could make me believe that my friendship and love could make such desolation forgive me the mischief was unintentional your happiness not your misery was my hope and prayer but I have done best best loved tho latest known farewell for ever

the copying this letter makes me feel a strange sinking at heart how pathetic brevity affects us I know her all her scrapes with others and have been taught she has no heart nor principle and yet my heart is sad and her lines affect me she is indeed a dangerous woman at this moment I could kneel to her yet have I before said to myself she is a bad one she would only make a fool of me or Pi [Mariana] has often told me so it must be true how could indifference turn to such love so soon I will take no notice of this letter the matter shall rest where it is let us see what she will do she will give me up now and give herself no more trouble about me she cannot in reality care much and by and by I shall forget her and all this will be the best for us both surely there is not much harm done yet yet I catch myself sighing deeply what means it I will quit the subject and my journal for the present -

Had just finished the above of today at 2 25/60 - then went down to my  aunt for 1/2 hour - Told her I thought we should manage very well - that I had been calculated, and, at all rates, we should have, as I said, £900 a year, and should not borrow more than £2000 - Came upstairs and from 3 to 5 wrote 3 pages and the ends, and crossed the 1st page to Miss Mc.L- [Maclean] said I had written to MacDonald - hoped Miss Mc.L- [Maclean] would bring her down with her - Fearing she has had some unpleasant news from Mrs. Bury 'for me there is no peace between the prudence of some, and the fatal imprudence of others' observed in answer .....

'Be thankful for the extreme that is on the right side; and bless their sister's prudence, tho' it be sometimes clad in all the cautious coldness of reserve - Send your heart to me, my love and leave the rest to jog on with the world, as its own pace - yes! yes! we know each other by letter, at all events; and, thro' all these years, as all my pages that are kept can prove, my sentiments of esteem and admiration, and regard, have been, like everlasting, fresh at their latest as their earliest hour - Go where I may, Sibbella, a nameless charm will wrap you round my memory for ever - I have often mentally blessed our drive to Otley - our meeting at Esholt completely changed the style of my regard - I wish I had been present when you wrote this: - it was the moment, above all others, which I should have chosen for 'peeping into your heart' - I have often thought of, and wished I could scarce define what - that drive to Otley was indeed 'a delightful dream', too delightful to be dreamed of before it came'.......

Then from 5 to 5 10/60 wrote 2 1/2 pages to Miss Pickford thanking her for her inquiries after my aunt - she is worse - 'more enfeebled and worse than she was a 12 month ago' - ask if she can 'give us any hints for our journey on the Continent our place of settlement for the winter is still undetermined - Let us have your opinion as to climate comforts, etc.' - In my 1st page I had mentioned going to Buxton in July and August for 5 or 6 weeks, and 'Thence to the South of France, or some good climate for the winter' ask her as well as Miss Mc.L- [Maclean] 'By the way, do you think you can, by any convenient means, get us what might turn out a pleasant introduction to any one abroad' -

Dressed - dinner at 6 1/4 - Cold, rather hazy rawish morning - began to rain about 10 1/2 - a smartish shower and continued till between 12 and 1, when it gradually abated, and, from about 2, was fine for the rest of the day - Barometer 1/2 degree below changeable Fahrenheit 43° at 9 55/60 p.m. at which hour came up to bed E..O.. - Read from page 17 to 25 Quarterly review no. [number] 65 on the Reformation in England 'Mr. Todd (vide this no. [number] of the Quarterly review page 19) 'in his able preface to the republication of Cranmer's work on the Sacrament, has hunted Dr. Linyard thro' his many mistatements with severe and unrelenting vigilance' -  

Reference: SH:7/ML/E/9/0070 - SH:7/ML/E/9/0071