#i think this is a result of pmdd symptoms but still it feels real and heavy even if this feeling will eventually go away

[fukozawa]

venting just ignore me // tw: weight, sui, sh

i really wish i had a therapist

I havent had a therapist since i was 15 over a decade ago. And even then i didn’t want to be there and didn’t take advantage of how much of a privilege it was

I don’t think ill ever be able to be vulnerable with anyone in my life. I don’t think ill ever not feel like a burden. And if that ever goes away it’ll surely be after years of therapy which i don’t and won’t have access to for the foreseeable future

Anytime I’m faced with the opportunity to open up or ask for a listening ear, I’m fully paralyzed from seeking that out. Its like right before i take that step, right as my foot is about to touch the shaky ground of opening up to someone that wants to be there for me, its like my own subconscious flings me backwards through midair and everything i wanted to say is blank and i physically cant utter the words. Its like all the feelings that made me want to seek out help in the first place suddenly disappear and I’m miraculously totally fine and not sure why I needed to reach out in the first place and waste anyones time or emotional energy.

Theres always this underlying feeling that i don’t matter and i can easily disappear from peoples lives and they wouldn’t notice, so why make them become further invested in my issues when I’m basically nonexistent as it is. Obviously its the avoidant attachment style but to an extreme. I don’t have to avoid people when i constantly feel like others are avoiding me. And especially avoiding my feelings, which have oftentimes been too heavy for others to carry.

Ive never had a irl friend who would just listen to me and be emotionally intelligent enough to not project their own ideas onto me, but who knew how to allow their presence be the comfort that i needed.

I cant stop myself from diverting the attention away from myself and focusing on other peoples problems or worries in order to avoid having to talk about my own.

In reality i could literally talk about myself and my constant self analysis for hours, theres so much that ive reflected on and so much i could use external insight on, but by the time i scratch the tip of the iceberg, the intrusive thought of being a burden/waste of time/emotional drain on those around me is too powerful to ever scratch the surface of what really goes on with me. Even on tumblr i try not to vent here as often as id like bc its literally so embarrassing being a human and having to have human emotions like literally so annoying i hate having to subject anyone to this.

Tho if im honest I’m lonelier than ive ever been and nothing is more affirming of my trauma and need for community than how expertly I’m able to isolate myself so diligently. Thats just one of the ways I’m able to self harm without anyone noticing. Another big way lately has been depriving myself of sleep, i cant stop myself. The feeling of being so ridiculously tired that i cant help but pass out is the best feeling ever cuz it means not a moment is spent with my own thoughts. I know its hurting me so much, bc my head screams at me with some of the worst headaches (which i realized recently are likely migraines) but its part of the sh i guess. When it gets too unbearable i just take some pain medicine and i can go about my day. Burning eye sockets are a lot easier to ignore than a radiating pounding skull.

Ive become so unhealthy but i don’t care. Sadly I’m skinny so no one questions it. I’m severely underweight but restricting food intake is another way i subtly self harm. I think its obvious but my parents are too self centered to notice and if they do notice they clearly don’t think its enough of a concern to mention to me. Its not actually on purpose tho, i have arfid due to being autistic and making myself a meal thats not instant ramen is literal fucking hell on earth and feels like I’m trying to run through waste deep water. I never have an appetite and the act of even having to eat at all is exhausting/draining. I hate food and if i could survive on vibes & Dr Pepper alone without having to eat food id be more than happy. I constantly have anxiety that there’s something seriously wrong with my body but id never know because my body is constantly being put through the wringer, experiencing such regular levels of discomfort/pain its impossible for me to acknowledge which of my bodies signals are truly dire.

Living with my mother is slowly killing me but i have no way out due to crippling levels of anxiety and absolutely zero energy to care for myself enough to be able to take action on things that would benefit my future self. It doesnt help that it feels like the world is ending and feeling like i may not have a lot of time left anyways so might as well spend my life in bed miserable under the covers starving and malnourished, cuz its the only thing I’m good at.

I feel like I’m always in some sort of dissociative state that i don’t know how to turn off. I try to ground myself and it just comes right back. When it comes to my emotional state i have absolutely zero support system and its hard to not feel like everyone is better off not having to deal with my bullshit drama. Its hard not to feel like I’m making all this up and just being dramatic, like I’m faking all of this and i bet if i wasnt such a coward I wouldn’t have all these issues.

A part of me is jealous of the people who took their lives already. They were powerful people. I wish i could be like them. And not have to deal with the pain of existing as an autistic gay person who never felt truly seen. As terrifying as that is thats all ive ever wanted, for someone to genuinely want to See me and Understand me. Cuz up to this point in my life ive gone out of my way for others to make sure they feel understood, but not once has anyone put that same energy towards me. Which is why I’m hesitant to continue trying to form new close relationships, whats the point when all my prior experiences have shown how little most people give a shit about forming lasting strong connections that stand the test of time. Even the bare minimum of asking someone to educate themselves on the autistic experience so they can begin to try understand my experience, is somehow too much to ask and too high of an expectation.

Anyways I’m done venting for now and its finally time for me to sleep after being awake for 24+ hrs lmao k bye

[sillyrabbit81]

Hey there Bunny, how ya doin? Been a while since I stopped by to say Hi and check up on a fellow Aussie. Ive been lurking around but haven't seen you on my dash for a while. RUOK?? Always around to lend an ear, if you need one to hear. Big squishy hugs 💜💜💜

Hey!

Thank you for reaching out. Thats really kind of you.

I haven't been around as much lately. But I am doing okay. I have had a few people asking me similar things lately so, I might just let it all out here and tell people whats going on.

IRL things have been a lot for me lately and I just haven't had the time/headspace to be as active. Plus, if I have an hour or two to sit at my computer, I'm usually using that time to write (or stare at the doc and force out 50 words LOL).

The IRL stuff is mostly about my kids, but I also have had issues lately with my own mood regulation and other issues. Turns out I have Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), which I tell people is basically like PMS but on Liver King levels of steroids. I think I've had symptoms of this for a couple of years, but its recently gotten much worse and I have seen an endocrinologist recently and started a treatment plan that will hopefully help, but it will take a couple of months before I will see any results.

I don't generally talk publicly about my family. Mainly because I feel like my blog and writing is my safe haven, a place for just me. But there has been a lot going on lately so maybe it will make me feel better to talk about it real quick. A lot of people who I talk to in chat/DMs already know most of this anyway.

Both my kids and my husband are on the Autism Spectrum.

My son is 13 and just started high school, so that has been a tough transition for him. He has been involved in a couple of incidents that has resulted in his suspension. Supporting him through that has been tricky and dealing with the school and trying to get the right supports in place for him has also been a slog.

My daughter is 8 and she requires a lot of support at school. She really struggles at school and so there is a lot of time spent ensuring she gets the supports she needs. On top of that, about 6 months ago she had a tonic-clonic seizure that was quite serious and lasted for over 10 minutes. After some testing was then diagnosed with epilepsy, probably as a result from a brain injury she suffered during her birth (she had a lack of blood flow and needed an emergency c-section). So its been trial and error with meds, (she also has absent seizures which we noticed a few times) but after a while we thought things were okay. A couple of weeks ago, she had another serious seizure and we were back in hospital.

So yeah, while I'm okay and my family are mostly okay, there has been a lot going on for me IRL over the past few months that has obviously taken precedence. But, I'm still around when I can be. I still want to be around and still love to write and make gifs and stuff, but its just been a matter of priorities and a significantly limited free time compared to what I previously had.

I hope you are doing well! I hope you're going to have a nice summer break (if we actually get a summer... I know in Sydney its bloody cold so far!) And thanks again for reaching out. That was really sweet of you.

❤️ Rabbit

[jamiebluewind]

Late Night Panic Attack

Earlier I had heightened anxiety (I did something stupid which triggered it to spike) resulting in a panic attack. I have OCD meaning I naturally have higher than normal anxiety and PMDD which means I have a window every month that I'm especially subseptible to anxiety, stress, depression, and the adult version of a temper tantrum. Today that all aligned.

I tend to not have breathing problems with panic attacks (maybe because I've trained myself due to asthma?), but my heart rate goes up, I feel shaky, my brain thinks way to fast, my thoughts spiral, and there are a lot of cognitive distortions. Sometimes my hands visibly shake and I talk to fast or stutter. Sometimes I do stimming (I sit and rock, pace quickly, or rub my thumb across my fingers quickly kind of like snapping all my fingers at once) which can help lower my anxiety enough to either go back to normal or get help in another way like by reaching out to friends (which I normally do before it gets that bad, but it was late and it also came on fast), distractions, taking medication, and/or loving on a pet. Danny (my cat) was on my like white on rice offering comfort. I held him and took a pill to help while I read fanfiction. I honestly almost posted that I was in anxiety's room (the fandom term for when someone needs assistance concerning a mental health issue such as depression), but I hated the idea of worrying y'all especially if I forgot to delete the post afterwards.

I'm still a little shaky, but I'm okay. Before I went to bed though, I just wanted to say that I decided to share this to show that anxiety can affect each person differently and how important it is to know a variety of ways to lower your anxiety so you can use what works for you in that moment. I wanted y'all to know that just because your anxiety doesn't look like the example we always see in tv and movies, doesn't make it any less real. The person sitting quietly across from you on the bus or the rude person blaring music while rocking to the beat could both be having heightened anxiety or even a panic attack and show no obvious outward symptoms. Anxiety unique to every individual and difficult to understand at times. Then again, I suppose if you are a famder*, you already knew that ;)

*fan of Thomas Sanders

[palpablenotion]

I was just blocked by someone, I assume because I referenced my non gender related dysphoria. And on one hand, I’m completely astounded. On the other, it figures.

I get a bad response every time I talk about my dysphoria. I get told it’s a gender related issue. It’s something only trans people experience. (While I’m not cis, I don’t identify as trans and I don’t experience dysphoria surrounding being an agender demigirl, just to stop anyone from saying anything about cis people and co-opting terms).

But it isn’t. It’s a psychological term referencing a symptom/side effect. It means someone experiencing unease or dissatisfaction in life, extreme enough to impact one’s life. It isn’t necessarily continuous, but it can be. It can also come and go.

I get told that what I’m talking about is body dismorphic disorder. I get told that I have it. This is with no more information than me saying, “I experience body dysphoria unrelated to gender.”

I feel like most people don’t understand that body dysmorphic disorder is something with specific criteria from the DSM:

Diagnostic criteria for 300.7 Body Dysmorphic Disorder A. Preoccupation with an imagined defect in appearance. If a slight physical anomaly is present, the person's concern is markedly excessive. B. The preoccupation causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. C. The preoccupation is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., dissatisfaction with body shape and size in Anorexia Nervosa).

I don’t fit this criteria. You know why? Because I don’t have BDD.

It is transphobic to talk over trans people and tell them what they experience. And, like that, it is ableist to talk over neurodivergent and mentally ill people and tell them what they experience. Dysphoria is a term shared between these two communities, and neither has a right to dictate or limit the use of this term within the other community.

ADHD individuals experience a specific form of dysphoria called rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD, not to be confused with reflex sympathetic dystrophy, which is something else). “RSD is an extreme reaction to real or perceived rejection which often leads to reacting badly to being corrected” (@autism-asks). Basically, perceived rejection can result in dysphoria, often volatile at that, in those with ADHD.

I used that as an example because, ironically, being told I didn’t experience dysphoria caused RSD. I got so angry (not entirely irrationally, I feel) and am still so angry and confused nearly a week later.

Many psychological disorders and neurodivergences have dysphoria as a symptom. Some of those include: major depressive disorder, dysthymia, bipolar disorder, cyclothymia, borderline personality disorder, premenstrual syndrome, prementrual dysphoric disorder (characterized by dysphoria), generalized stress, adjustment disorder, all of the anxiety disorders (post-traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, etc), dysphoric rumination (again, characterized by said dysphoria), dissociative disorders (dissociative identity disorder, depersonalization disorder, etc), ADHD, mixed anxiety-depressive disorder, personality disorders, substance withdrawal, body dysmorphic disorder (dysphoria is a symptom of this, NOT interchangable with it), akathisia, hypoglycemia, schizophrenia, sexual dysfunction, body integrity identity disorder, insomnia, and chronic pain.

Considering there are literally a dozen of those disorders I currently have, I think it’s safe to say I probably experience dysphoria.

It’s actually really difficult to find anything about physical dysphoria because all links I find are about gender dysphoria. When I speak up about it, I get silenced. I get blocked. I get told I’m not experiencing that. I can only assume that’s why it’s so difficult to find. Other voices also get silenced, because I cannot be the only one that experiences this. I don’t fool myself into thinking I’m so unique.

(Note: this doesn’t mean people shouldn’t talk about gender dysphoria. Of course they should. Gender dysphoria is a serious issue as well. But it being the only form of dysphoria that it is safe to discuss means that those who experience dysphoria unrelated to gender don’t have support or resources. It can be easier to find resources if your form of dysphoria has a specific name, like rsd, pmdd, etc.)

So what is it that I experience? It’s very difficult to describe. Typically I only experience dysphoria during anxiety attacks, sensory overload, or just times of very increased anxiety. During these times, I might experience a sort of ill-fittingness. My body doesn’t fit anymore. Not necessarily that it’s too large or too big, but like it was tailored for someone else. Often enough, it’s centered around my arm only. It feels like when you put on the wrong cut of jeans. They’re on, they fit, but you just want to put your own jeans back on. 

I don’t know why I experience this. I know it’s incredibly distressing when it happens. I know that sometimes it makes me have extreme thoughts such as wishing I could remove the arm I have and replace it with my arm (which I obviously can’t do because it is my arm). I have, in the past, scratched and hit myself trying to feel anything besides this wrongness in my limbs.

I said that I experience this during panic attacks? It is incredibly likely this causes the panic attack. I remember the first time I clearly experienced this. It was during the Criminal Minds season finale, To Hell... I had spilled fruit punch on the arm of the couch and got a washcloth to clean it before it set. I remember scrubbing the fabric and it felt like the bones in my arm were vibrating, like the two textures interacting was sending a shock wave up my arm. I freak out. I began hyperventilating, slapping and scratching my arm (my right arm). I was babbling as my mother and sister tried to figure what is wrong. “It doesn’t fit! It isn’t- I can’t- It doesn’t fit!” I was crying. I wanted it off, I wanted my arm back, I wanted everything to stop.

I don’t remember what happened after very well. I think my mother gave me a xanax. They were almost as freaked out as I was.

It wasn’t just bad sensory input. Bad sensory input might have caused it, but what I was experiencing was dysphoria. I’ve spoken with several people that have degrees in psychology, including my own therapist. I just recently spoke with a mutual who admitted they had never heard of this, it wasn’t any form of dysphoria they knew of. They also said, “but damn if that isn’t exactly the word to describe it.” They attempted to ask around the issue to see if I was experiencing something else - not correcting me, just trying to figure this out - and admitted that I didn’t fit what they had considered (depersonalization disorder) which I had already looked into years ago. I don’t have it.

The only two topics I’ve ever found not about gender dysphoria but still about physical dysphoria were about addiction and the vagus nerve. In fact, when discussing the physical dysphoria associated with the vagus nerve, delirients were still mentioned. If anyone from the medical side of tumblr cares to discuss this, I would like to further look into this. I know I’m not the only that experiences this. I just want to understand this thing.

TL;DR: Dysphoria is something that is experienced by people with literally dozens of mental illnesses, disorders, syndromes, or neurodivergencies. This can include physical dysphoria. This is an experience the neurodivergent and mentally ill community shares with the trans community. It does not inherently have anything to do with gender, but it can. Don’t be transphobic and tell trans people what they experience or what they don’t experience. Don’t be ableist and tell neurodivergent/mentally ill people what they experience or don’t experience. Basically? Trust that someone knows more about what they experience than you do, especially if you don’t know them.

[hurricaneache]

BPD Symptoms and Features 

**please note: the following post was originally posted by kellyann-graceful-warrior and has been reposted here by me and bolded and italicized to reflect which symptoms i feel apply to myself**

Here are the 9 main symptoms noted in the criteria and research. 1. Extreme reactions to real or perceived/feared abandonment, rejection, or criticism 2. Splitting and idealization/devaluation 3. Identity disturbance- impoverished self image/self esteem and sense of self, dysphoria, despising ones self, and extreme instability and no direction towards the future, aspirations, goals, [career] plans, values, etc 4. Impulsive behavior- a sense of urgency to relieve intensity of emotions from stimuli, often self damaging (spending sprees, binge eating, steal, substance abuse, sex etc). 5. Reoccurring suicidal behavior/ideations (gestures, threats, extensive thoughts, planning, role playing) and self-harm  6. Intense rapid cycling of affective instability due to hypersensitivity+dysregulation reactions 7. Depressive symptoms- chronic feelings of emptiness, frequent feelings of being miserable, shame, self-inferiority, and extreme difficulty recovering from such feelings  8. Intense anger and/or aggression reactions- frequent anger easily triggered from incidents 9. Paranoia/panic and dissociation reactions (often in response to stresses/anxieties) 

 !!! Then there are hundreds of other symptoms and features to this very complex, and unfortunately, highly stigmatized and misunderstood disorder. Here are a few indicated in research.

10. Anxiety, nervousness  11. Headaches/migraines are common 12. Seizures 13. Higher nociception (pain tolerance)- Studies show alterations in pain processing in over 50% of those with BPD. The result of this comes from different systematic responses and antinociception and may be a result of long-term self harm behavior in some cases). 14. Distorted/irregular eating patterns- reduced food intake, impoverished diet, etc 15. Obsessive compulsive features- intrusive thoughts in the thought pattern/processes, repetitive behavior as a result of self harm, paranoia, distress, etc, and repetitive speech, to name a few 16. Self discipline/work orientation as a result of OCD features 17. Attachment  18. Extreme reckless-daring behavior 19. Baiting  20. Unstable relationships  21. “Always” and “Never” statements/reactions (splitting) 22. Sleep deprivation or irregular sleeping patterns 23. Voice changing 24. “Acting out” 25. Extreme curiosity and interest   26. Dependency 27. Sarcasm  28. Promiscuity 29. Mimicking/mirroring 30. Flashbacks 31. Nightmares    32. Difficulty processing information  33. Difficulty focusing and concentrating and poor attention span 34. Consistent/radical change of appearance  35. Certain feelings of fear, negativity, or rejection of authority/people of “high importance” in their mind. 36. Alluring/seductive behavior 37. Extreme need for acceptance 38. A need to prove themselves over and over as identity may be graded on a scale of what was done that very day 39. Extreme apathy, boredom, dullness, and indifference 40. ‘Flat affect”- lack of emotional reactivity and inability to express/show emotions due to depression, absence of emotional response  41. Creative thinking 42. Studies show some are able to read others easily from such hypersensitivity; however, often mistaking neutrality as anger probably as a result of symptoms 43. Isolation  44. Defensive 45. Magical thinking (assumed correlation, interconnection, etc) 46. Fantasizing  47. Panic attacks 48. Anxiety Attacks 49. Hypersensitivity to caffeine, alcohol, some sugars and foods. Often described as being “allergic” to such things as it causes reactions from hypersensitivity and symptoms. 50. Memory lapses- a result of dissociation, intense reactions, etc 51. Extreme perfectionism 52. Avoidance  53. Euphoric reactions  54. Detachment 55. Avoidance of eye contact  56. Difficulty transitioning with life aspects such as changes to plans and arrangements  57. Difficulty with awareness  58. Sensitivity to senses- light, sounds, temperatures, etc- from hypersensitivity   59. Resistance 60. Difficulty with decision making, poor decisions, and/or indecisiveness, insecurity  61. Difficulty completing tasks 62. “Rapid” or excessive speech 

63. Restlessness, difficulty relaxing, feelings of “being on edge.”

64. Extreme sense of security, comfort, and connection with animals/nature and inanimate objects such as transitional objects

65. Undermining a goal, success, or relationship

66. Often occurs with PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder) or worse reactions to menstrual cycles because of the hypersensitive and systematic changes 

67. Extreme difficulty and lack of object consistency (inability to recall that people or objects are ‘still there,’ consistent, and reliable when they are not currently being physically seen/there and difficulty maintaining these feelings

68. Flight of ideas, racing thoughts, rapid thought patterns

69. Brief remission of symptoms in response to certain events (positive reactions)

70. Disrupted or delayed life aspects- education, relationships, jobs, etc

 BPD is a chronic mental disorder of emotional dysregulation+hypersensitivity due to factors such as:

-A result of an overactive autonomic nervous system (fight or flight- functions associated to panic, anxiety, anger reactions, etc) -An under-active parasympathetic nervous system (The system that is responsible to regulate the autonomic nervous system) -Less active and smaller in volume abnormalities in the limbic system which has functions linked to: emotional reactions, memory, decision making, motivation, behavior, learning and developmental ability, thought pattern, instincts, psychotic symptoms, seizures, and senses/the way the body perceives external stimuli.  -Reduced volume in frontal lobe which has functions linked to: decision making, communication responses, ability to comprehend consequences, emotional-based memories and triggers, and relations to people, events and situations. -Abnormal blood flow to parts of the brain that control emotions, resulting in one to be more reactive -Emotional reactions firing off 20% longer -A ton of other factors

[krumpwrites]

MHAM Post #10: Alyssa

I’ve always felt really fortunate to have friends that live all over the country (and world). But over the past couple years, as I’ve struggled/coped/moved/grown/changed, I’ve been guilty of letting some longer-distance friendships slip. 

This month’s project has taught me that regardless of distance, time, or space, most people still care about you, and most friendships, thankfully, are for the long haul. 

I met Alyssa freshman year of college. I have watched her grow, change, cope, and learn so much over the period of time since then. I am so happy to see the person she has become, and I’m even happier to share her story about a portion of her journey. 

In this piece, Alyssa talks about one of her biggest triggers related to her mental health. She also shares some really important insights on medication. It’s important to remember that different things help different people. I loved Alyssa’s blunt honesty in this. If you know her at all, you can see her personality shine through her writing. 

These words are her to the T, and I’m happy to share them here:

I really don’t know how to start this out, so I am going to start with a quote that helps with my frustrations… “Telling someone with mental health issues that all they need to do is be more positive and they can make themselves happy, is like telling someone who has asthma that all they need to do is breath harder because there is plenty of air.”

I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, wrongly diagnosed with bi-polar, and I am currently being evaluated for PMDD. I hate being labeled. But these labels have allowed me to learn about myself on a deeper level than I think any unlabeled person has. Every day, I learn something new about myself. Whether it is a new trigger, an effective coping strategy, or that I did a great job self-managing. Even though sighing is considered rude, I’ll sigh all fucking day if it helps me not physically shake or burst into tears. And sometimes I reflect and learn I did a terrible job self-managing today and need to make some phones calls to apologize.

Every reaction has a consequence, and every person has a memory. You may feel like there is a person inside of your chest, breaking every rib, trying to get out, but reacting poorly to that sensation normally results in burnt bridges, slipping deeper into a self-loathing cycle, and becoming more recluse. Mental health issues are difficult, because self-management is pretty much an ongoing conversation with yourself. You build yourself up or you break yourself down. I’ve learned that, even with practice and self-love, the volume of that voice can either break your ears drums (cue the panic attack), or be muffed, sometimes only by an extremely annoying number of sighs and gratitude lists.

Where I am today is why I can admit that I hated myself for a very long time. I am my own worst critic, and sometimes I rip myself apart over something as stupid as an Instagram comment because, “what if they don’t realize I’m being sarcastic and I just lost a friend?” This anxious concern has always been something I’ve struggled with. When I was younger it was more along the lines of, “did I remember every single friend’s initials in my AIM profile?!” Seemingly stupid shit, but it climaxed when I was in college.

Like I said, anxiety and depression has been a part of me my whole life, but there are definitely triggers that have made it worse. For the sake of length, I am only going to touch on the biggest trigger, and how refusing to process traumatic events can be detrimental.

Before I went into my freshman year of college, I woke up to a friend physically taking advantage of me. No one believed me when I told them, and said I was being dramatic. I didn’t report anything, I didn’t stand up for myself, and I allowed that dirty, used feeling to control my decision as I kept quiet. Two more girls were hurt by him and I’m still working on not blaming myself for that. I developed so much self-hate, that sometimes I acted on that hate, and it perpetuated the vicious cycle of stress, reaction, and guilt. *If anyone out there has experienced this and does not know who to talk to, please reach out, I am here and can help you link up with a professional to meet your needs.*

From there, my mental health struggles continued to get worse because I was not loving myself. I wasn’t even attempting to. I put on dirty band-aids, like blacking out, having sex with people I didn’t care about, and staying quiet about what was going on inside of my head, instead of choosing to love myself. I had opportunities to talk, and would share sometimes with friends, but never too much because, “what if they think I’m too dramatic?”

I took what, to me, felt like the easy way out, and went to a general medicine doctor and talked about my symptoms. He diagnosed me with depression and bi-polar disorder. He put me on Lexapro and Zyprexa and HOLY FUCK did shit get even worse and worse fast. I wanted a quick fix, but that speed lane took me straight to suicide city, and those thoughts were loud and always present.

I went back two weeks later to say “I don’t think this is right, everything is worse”. All he did was increase my medication. I don’t remember much of September and October of 2015. The first week of November my friends and I had all been at a pregame at the house next door. I remember exactly what I was wearing and I remember standing there, feeling like I was just over it. I was looking at everyone’s smiling faces, listening to my friends sing, loudly shouting about which party to go to, and I didn’t feel like I was even there. I slipped out and went back to my house, smoked about 5 cigs in a row, and grabbed the two pills bottles with about 20 10mg of Lexapro and 20 5mg of Zyprexa, and just held them in my hand, eerily calm. I sat there and cried on and off until I fell asleep.

I may have suicidal thoughts, but death within itself is too final, and I am thankful I am afraid of that. When I’m in that moment though, it feels like there are two voices in my head. One saying, “fuck it, life is not really even real, I can’t even think straight with how many feelings I have right now, I just want it all to fucking stop”. And a contrasting little voice saying, “life is still here, death is so final and unknown”. These continuous reel of thoughts, paired with a waterfall of loud tears, equals an indecisive and exhausted human standing in the middle of the room stunned and unable to move until she’s exhausted herself to the point of falling asleep.

Disclaimer* I called my parents the next day, I took myself off the medication, went through withdrawal symptoms, and as a result, was kicked out of my Athletic Training major because of my lack of performance in clinic and two failed classes. Thankfully, I was able to show documentation that my doctor did not refer me to a talk therapist and had upped my medication. My major advisors informed me I would be suspended from the Athletic Training program and could come back the next Fall. Meaning, I wasn’t graduating with my friends, and had to add another year of tuition to expenses. But more importantly than that, it meant I got a second chance to manage this correctly. This was terrible news, but I could either continue hating myself, or I could choose to love myself, be fearless, and vocalize how I feel and what my thoughts are. I chose to vocalize, and graduated a year later with a double major, acceptance to graduate school, and a one-way ticket to California.  

It’s fucking annoying going to doctor after doctor, having some kook push medication down your throat like its sweet-tarts, and feel like you’re losing your personality from the medication. It hurts looking at your parents as they try to hide their fear from you, and watching your siblings be confused by your differences. It just about kills you when you make the, “it’s getting bad again” call. But at the same time, I have been lucky enough to be able to have that open conversation with my family. I had to look at my Dad within the last month and say the thoughts came back, they aren’t loud but they’re back. Seeing how that horrified and broke my Dad is why I will never let this control me completely, even if the voices are like banshees screaming in my head. I’m working on not seeing myself as selfish or sickly, but in turn, realizing that I am so fortunate to have a family that allows for open communication and has embodied a safe and loving environment full of support. Not everyone is that lucky.

If there is one thing I have learned in my journey with mental health, it is that everyone’s experience and perspective is different. Everyone’s management is going to be different. Medication didn’t work for me, but it could save someone else’s life and that’s beautiful. I struggle daily with anxiety and depression and I combat that by loving myself and setting appropriate goals for myself depending on how I feel that day. 

The biggest message I want anyone who is suffering from mental health issues to understand, is that there is nothing wrong with you and you aren’t dramatic. TALK about how you feel. What’s “wrong” with you is something that provides you with an opportunity to learn more about yourself, develop your identity, create personal coping strategies, and have an increased level of empathy. The brain is crazy my friends, it’s the only thing that has named itself in this world. Learn about your brain, your thoughts, and talk about it. I am far from having control over my labels, but I can now say I am proud of where I am and I love myself.