#i think weve only actually talked once or twice and my best friend fucking hated her ive got no excuse to be acting like this

[misunderstandings-georg]

Fucking hate packing for travel. I didn't even wear makeup to my brothers wedding and this 4 night trip has me asking myself if I should bring a day shade of lipstick as well as a night shade just in case

[cerealmonster15]

How about Leo for that character thing?

ffffuck yes i have to put this one in a readmore bc i got carried away listing like 800 leo quotes 

How I feel about this characterhes one of my favorite royal sibs!!!!! probs tied with elise and takumi? or possibly my most fave?????? i was sad the whole time birthright bc i missed him and elise the whole time,,,, now that im playing conquest im sad bc i miss takumi lol. i love my tomato brother ;w; but he (and xander) is like the funniest fuckin character, oh my god. i love him so much. he makes me cry with laughter half the time he opens his mouth. hes this snarky little snob and he can’t dress himself for shit bc his clothes are always inside out or backwards (me too actually. every time i realize my shirt’s on wrong im instantly like Wow Leo Vibes). i love how in birthiright near the end theres this important emotional scene and hes gotten rid of iago and corrins like “hhhhey leo,,,? ur shirts inside out” and he just goes “DAMN IT.” his shop voice lines sound like a really sarcastic customer service voice. “Welcome. Goodbye~!”. so do xander’s??? i fucking die every time one of them is manning a shop oh my god i love themhis alts in feh make me s c r e a m hes so damn funny and dramatic.summer leo:“[grumbly voice] TANLINES… what, torture.”“If you are disappointed by these results then give me clothes”“Hot… beaches?hHHRRNNNNNN[aHEM], hate them.”“Tropical islands? Forget it! And this swimsuit? [snobby laughing tone] DONT even get me STARTED!”“Hey, if you like tropical islands, that’s fine. Maybe it’s not as bad as[randomly starts laughing???] I say.” like is he trying to be chill about it but just cant hold it together because the very idea of  a tropical idea is so absurd to him ?? hes so fuckign weird i love himGOD my ultimate favorite leo quote ever of all time tho is: “I actually like walking a beach at night. But… swim? In the ocean? [laughter, maybe nervous laughter i cant fucking tell] With my body?!?!???” WITH MY BODY?? i love him what the helland then he does that thing in the lvl40 five star convo where hes like “id be as red as a tomato if i got a sunburn???? fuck, how could i hate the sun if thats the case??? maybe ill go right now-” god hes so weird. i love that line regular leo does thats like “you’d never guess what vegetable really catches MY fancy! ………tomatoes…….”and then picnic leo omg. i probably screamed when i saw he was a free unit this spring i was SO HAPPY [as much as i love summer leo i dont actually have him and i cry that his banner hasnt returned this summer yet ;c]he grumbles when u poke him. he goes MMMMMM when you pick him up to take his turn. he complains about the sun, AGAIN.“i’m not used to this much sunlight! it’s…. nnggggg,,, blINDing..”“[offended voice] why are you being so SNEAKY? THIS is a PICNIC!” HhhhhhHHHHHH god lmao“[very proud voice] How does it taste? It must delicious, given I made it mySELF!” “What about this? I had my retainers prepare it for us.“ ik a lot of people say this contradicts his first line and one of them is a fucking lie, but i like to think this just means he made lunch with odin and niles and they did different parts and it’s soooooooooooooooooo cute to think about him cooking with his boys ;w; also he sounds so proud here too. hes so proud of his retainers and hes like “heh, mine are the best, they made this great food arent they wonderful i love them so much”“You want…to try some of my cooking? [gasp sigh huffy noise??] If you insist…” hes so excited someone wants to eat his cooking but he cant let anyone Know he has emotions lollies down… maybe leo really is my top fave LOL i just love his lines so much. i want to high five his voice actor for the delivery on these lines. that’s not even going into some of his supports in warriors that ive watcheed on youtube [plz everyone needs to see the one with frederick and leo. it always has me in tears. theyre SO FUNNY together ldjsfgbgf]chapter leo of birthright is probs one of my favorite chapters in fates. it was HARD AND ANNOYING but the dialogue made me weepy 

All the people I ship romantically with this characterodin and niles are fave….. they make a cute ot3!! i love how much he appreciates and cares for them and theyre all so good for each other… mr uptight leo and his chaos incarnate retainers to bring out his very secret dorky side… my BOYS!!!  i could go on and on about them for many paragraphs but this is already way too long lmfao oopsi also like leo and takumi of course lol. i havent played revelations yet but ive seen bits of their supports and also i just love the bickering enemies to lovers trope lol. this is my favorite panel from the 4koma comics

My non-romantic OTP for this characteri love the familial bonds between all the nohrian siblings but so far leo and elise is my fave sibling duo,,, but im biased bc so far ive only gotten theirs and camilla/xander’s lol. but even in hoshido i like the younger sibs plus older sibs duos. the idea of closeness in age forming a special bond is cute to me. i also like corrin and leo as having a close sib bond since they seem close in age! i know theres [remembers graveyard chapter of birthright again and starts sobbing] some underlying angst of him envying all the doting on corrin his siblings do and he feels ALONE AND I CRY, but he also was very fond of corrin, and i remember the end of birthright where camilla totally calls him out saying how he was saying how nice it was to get to see corrin again ;w; i’d like to think they were close!and of course i like leo and camilla’s relationship…. thinks about end of birthright and sobs… at least they have each other ;o;i need to get more leo supports actually… i want to see every support convo but theres only so much time CRIES 

My unpopular opinion about this characterIDK if this counts bc i feel like it’s half and half but i am not a fan of shipping corrin specifically with him or any of the other nohrian/hoshidan royals. like i totes get wanting to marry him as a character, buuuuuuut like i personally was not about to do that when our protagonist was his adopted sibling??????????? no thank you?!?!?!?!????? my friends and i read through the s-support convos for all of them on the wiki once and just…died the whole time bc theyre SO AWKWARD AND WEIRD “i was hiding my FORBIDDEN FEELINGS for you, PERSON I THOUGHT WAS MY SIBLING, my WHOLE LIFE, but now that ur NOT MY BLOOD RELATED FAMILY we can GET MARRIED, even tho weve still been calling you sister/brother casually this whole game” i CRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IT’S WEIRDDDDDDDand like i dont think thats really an unpopular opinion but i see enough corrin/royals art to think it’s unpopular enough i guesstho i imagine there are some people that chose to marry the royal sibs and also think it’s weird but they just love the character and sat there like “ew stop dont talk about  that” loltho some people are like “it’s not technically inc/est-” like,,,, it kinda still is tho HHHH GROSSANYWAY

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.I mean with all video games i wish bein gay was more legal. i want to s-support all the royals to their counterparts. let leo hold takumi’s hand, which would probs turn into a competition of who can squeeze the hardest until they break each other’s bones bc theyre stupid, but plz. i want this. let hoshido and nohr form ultimate peace bc all their royal fams married.also i dont know the full situation with forrest bc i havent unlocked him but from what ive heard i wish leo was nicer about CERTAIN THINGS in their…. i guess recruitment chapter ? supports? i hear in some of japan’s dlc or a drama cd or something he comes around and is more accepting but still, if that’s not the case in US game i wish it WAS!!!ALSO i wish the sibs could have support convos with each others kids. like even if it was just the main royals kids getting to talk to their aunts and uncles i think that’d be CUTE !!!!!WAIT ALSO on the wiki, leo, niles, and odin all have unused quotes from the endgame. it seems like theyre in the part of the game where you got knocked the fuck out and hung out in the afterlife for a bit with ur dead friends and family and then everyone in the real world is shouting at u to get up off ur ass and come finish the fight. im wondering if that means leo and his retainers were originally supposed to join you in your final battle, even tho you were siding with hoshido? i wouldve loved that and cried twice as hard..... 

[x]

[askullandbones]

Hi, thx so much... ugh, where do I start? I hope this doesnt seem too open or anything. Basically, Ive been having some problems with my best friend. Were both in 2nd-year uni and we go to school in diff cities. Weve been close since we started high school. And I love her, and shes usually my goto person to talk to or shoulder to cry on. But the thing is, shes much more social and Im not. She was my only friend in high school and while shes still closest with me she had others. (1/?)

Now in uni she still has tons of friends and I haven't really been able to make any. We havent rlly drifted apart but our convos are mostly limited to FB texts. Shes now rooming with another friend & I just have this crippling fear of being replaced. Bc it would be so much easier for her. And sometimes she does things that are sort of weird. I feel like im always shifting plans to suit her needs. She doesnt respond to half of what I text her. (2/3) (3 is the limit I promise, so sorry!)

Ive also begun a big Undertale fic and Im super excited about it, but even tho I've started posting it she doesnt seem to want to read it, she said she might someitme "if she has time" & "if shes bored." Which hurts. I tried to talk to her abt all this stuff last year, but she seems to have... forgotten. & I feel so bad & dont know how to deal with it, much as i ❤ her i dont always like the way she treats me. Its so hard to tell the line b/w actual worry and bein whiny. (3/4 sorry!!!!)

I know she has her own stuff going on and I try to be there for her but its so hard. Parts of me have stopped caring about her stuff as much as I should which I KNOW is awful of me as a friend, like when she told me the girl she loved didnt love her back, stuff like that, and I just dont know what to do. My loneliness has gone into hyperdrive basically, and its very confusing. Am I just being self pitying? Any advice would mean so so much to me. (4/4 I am SO SORRY for spamming you with this)

Wow this got long. Gonna put it under a cut.

Hey. Hey? First, deep breath. This might seem like the end of the world, but it isn’t. Trust me.

When you reach this point in your life your whole social dynamic is going to shift into what I’ll call ‘adult friends’. When you went to school it was super easy to make friends (or easier than it is now), because you were put in a small group of people your age and you were basically forced to interact. You might still have some of that in college, but it’s much less forced. The things that held you together with your peers isn’t really guaranteed as much to be there anymore.

First thing you need to tell yourself is that friends typically don’t get ‘replaced’ when you’re older. At least, not if you’ve stopped acting like a kid. Most of the time the friends you had in highschool are just gonna... drift apart. It happens all the time and it’s natural.

And while I can’t relate, I know a lot of people just have a large circle of friends they talk to about various things. Each friend has a different appeal. It’s not so much ‘replacing’ as it is ‘adding’.

Now I won’t speak for your friend, but from what you do mention about her not being flexible and not responding to texts, it could be a whole host of things. Maybe her schedule is just super rigid. Maybe she just forgets to respond to your texts, especially if she’s got about five different other people she’s talking to. Maybe she has nothing to say. Unfortunately these are things you’re probably going to have to talk to her about if they’re bothering you. Friendships thrive on communication.

As for her not getting into your fic... it might hurt? But try not to let it bother you.

When I was getting into Undertale and back on the writing bus I did the same thing with a friend of mine. While she’s always been supportive, she never really wanted to read it even if I asked what she thought, and after awhile I realized it just wasn’t something I could really engage with her back and forth with. She just didn’t know what to ask, didn’t really want to read a subject she knew very little about.

It hurt a little at first, but then I just realized she didn’t have the same interest in it as I did. I just sorta pushed it to the side when it came to talking to her even though it was such a big thing in my life. Instead of saying “I’m working on this Undertale fic omg you wouldn’t believe what--” I’d change how I worded what I wanted to say to be a little less restrictive. Instead I would say “I’m working on some writing and these characters are being--”

See the difference? The second is much more inclusive to someone who has no idea what the fuck Undertale is. They can still engage. I can’t force her to enjoy something I do just like she can’t force me to enjoy something she does.

And no, you are not being self-pitying. You’re worried about a friendship you cherish. You’re worried about how your friend treats you. You’re worried that things are coming between the two of you. You care enough about this friend that you don’t want to lose them, but that also means you’re going to have to work on it. You’re gonna have some awkward, intense moments coming up even if they’re scary.

You gotta be brave.

What you need to do is think. Think about your friendship. You mentioned that you think she treats you bad sometimes. Make a list of the things she does that make you feel bad. Can’t come up with an answer as to why she might do these things? Ask her. Bring it up. It’s scary, but if she values your friendship she’ll listen and you two can work things out.

But friendship is a two-way street. There are ways you can improve too. Find interests you share. Try not to feel bad when she doesn’t like the same things anymore, you’re both starting to grow up and get different interests.

Set boundaries and stick to them. You say you’re always shifting your plans and not the other way around. Stop. Put your foot down. Say no, you can’t shift these around. Don’t bend to her whims all the time. Set a hard line. She will work with you and bend her own plans too if your friendship is valued.

Most importantly though, as scary as it is, don’t be afraid that you two might just be drifting apart. A lot of friendships end after highschool and most of them aren’t because of fights. They’re just... from drifting apart. It might seem like you won’t find more friends, but you will.

I’ve been friends with the same girl since I was a teenager. She lives in Canada. I love her so, so much. When I got a divorce and she started college again we kinda just... didn’t talk much. We used to talk every single day but we didn’t anymore and that bothered the fuck out of me. I thought we were drifting apart, and in a way we kinda have.

She has a boyfriend she plays games with a lot, games that I don’t enjoy. I like to roleplay and write and play games that she doesn’t enjoy. She’s busy as fuck and I’m absolutely incompetent at conversations half the time. We don’t have all the same interests anymore and sometimes we go a full week without saying a word to each other, and we both realize things have changed a bit, but it hasn’t changed how we feel about one another. We still love each other a lot.

College is when you’re going to start to realize that, maybe, a lot of your friends you make are gonna be online. Chatrooms. Games. Writing. Roleplaying. They’re gonna scatter the globe. I have friends from Canada to the states to Indonesia and Germany. I visit the friends within an hour of me maybe... once or twice a month. That’s fine with me. It doesn’t bother me much. I talk to one friend I had in highschool maybe... once every... three months? I don’t hate them, I just don’t have much in common with them anymore. It happens.

But I should wrap this up.

Breathe. Take a nice, deep breathe. This isn’t the end of the world even if it’s scary and you wish you didn’t have to deal with it. You’ll survive even if the outcome is the worst thing you can imagine.

Friendships change over time.

Communicate your feelings.

Evaluate your own role in the relationship and if you need to make some changes too.

Set hard boundaries.

If you need more advice, I’m here.

[wayward-marvel-sommer1196]

Tag Game

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

Tagged by @kdfrqqg It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these lol. I wasn’t even in the SPN fandom the last time I did one. 

1. Drink? Pepsi

2. Phone call? My dad

3. Text message? My sister

4. Song you listened to? Say You Won’t Let Go by: James Arthur (literally gives me goose bumps every time I listen to it.) 

5. Time you cried? 4th of July (Don’t ask) 

6. Dated someone twice? No, I’ve only ever had one REAL boyfriend and a bunch or near misses

7. Kissed someone and regretted it? Never kissed anyone 

8. Been cheated on? Nope

9. Lost someone special? Yes 

10. Been depressed? Yes, like all the time 

11. Favorite colors? Purple, Blue, and recently Red 

In the last year, have you… 15. Made new friends? Yes

16. Fallen out of love? Love-love no, semi-love yes 

17. Laughed until you cried? I dont think I’ve ever laughed til i cried??? Laughed until my stomach hurt sure but not til i cried 

18. Found out someone was talking about you? Unfortunately 

19. Met someone who changed you? Yes, not in a good way 

20. Found out who your friends are? 100% yes I love my girls so much

21. Kissed someone on your facebook list? No one that wasnt in like a family matter 

General 22. How many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? a solid 97% only because some are family that ive never met. 

23. Do you have any pets? No Dad hates pets, but do babies count? because they are equally as frustrating and I live with two under the age of 3.

24. Do you want to change your name? yes too many jokes and annoying nicknames

25. What did you do for your last birthday? Got my hair done, had some pudding cake, and went to Iguana Mia for a free lunch with my mom and her boyfriend and then binged Gilmore Girls b/c mom didnt feel well so we went home and did nothing after like 2. 

26. What time did you wake up? 7:30 because of the babies I live with but didnt get out of bed till 8:15

27. What were you doing at midnight last night? On here actually 

28. Name something you can’t wait for: Graduating College but that ties with Getting Married 

29. When was the last time you saw your mom? a few weeks ago?? I know im horrible but her work schedule is all over the place and my life is so unpredictable but i do try and talk to her every other day. 

31. What are you listening to right now? My family messing around 

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? yes

33. Something that is getting on your nerves? my job not giving me shifts and my step nephew with his lack of respect for adults 

34. Most visited website? Tumblr

35. Hair colour? Dark brown with a tint of burgundy because I havent gotten it dyed since december (my bday) and red washes out real fast but leaves subtle traces especially in the sun

36. Long or short hair? As of now on the shoter side, like shoulder length, but if you would have caught me a month ago it would have been hella long got 10 inches cut off 

37. Do you have a crush on someone? As of now NO because my last crush stomped on my heart and crushed then ran it over with a semi so I have sworn off men unless celebrities count????

38. What do you like about yourself? Honestly, right now nothing thats one of my issues. BUT if I had to pick I guess my loyalty??

39. Piercings: just your standard, run of the mill ear piercing 

40. Blood type: 0+

41. Nickname: Don’t have one because I refuse to share what my mom called me throughout my childhood. So i just go my full name Sommer

42. Relationship status: single and hating men 

43. Zodiac: Sagittarius 

44. Pronouns: She/Her

45. Favourite tv show: UGGGHHH too many. SPN, most superhero shows, most crime dramas, Greys Anatomy, and more. I used to be a tv addict and started watching a bunch of shows and although i dont watch them much anymore doesnt mean i dont still love them

46. Tattoos: Yes, on my right foot. Its part two to a quote that me and my sister got together. “....but thankful for the one ive got.” she got “A perfect sister i am not.....” 

47. Right or left handed: Right

48. Surgery: If getting my wisdom teeth taking out (all four of them at once) counts then yes other than that no.

49. Piercing: Already answered 

50. Sport: None, I suck at all sports and hate them all too. I was and am more of a book person than a ball person, but I do enjoy a leisure swim on occasion

51. Vacation: Would love to take one but im broke. My last was a high school trip right before i started my senior year where we traveled through five states making stops in each until we ended in indiana for the convention we needed to go to and then came back.

52. Pair of trainers: don’t know what this means

53. Eating: I wish I was lol My dinner sucked ass. Man, I wish I had a nice juicy steak right now with a baked potato and asparagus yum 

54. Drinking: at the moment nothing but the last thing I drank was at like 2 pm and now its almost 10 (oooppps) and that was a mocha coffee from DD

55. I’m about to: take a shower then outline some god damned stories that are haunting me right now 

56. Waiting for? something good to happen in my life for once 

57. Want? To be prettier, but I am slowly losing weight which is helping that problem. OOOOHHH and my best friends to be with me right now

58. Get married? I would love to at some point. Not anytime soon, but I also have to find someone who can put up with my difficult moody ass for the rest of our lives sooo..... that could be awhile

59. Career? Now none after college hopefully a forensic scientist/CSI since that is what my degree is going to be in

60. Hugs or kisses? Bith

61. Lips or eyes? On an S/O eyes hands down on me i guess my eyes

62. Shorter or taller? On an S/O taller I guess I have a type lol a bit of a height kink. On me shorter im only 5′2

63. Older or younger? Older although if it was only like 2 years younger Ii would be cool with that just not any further 

64. Nice arms or nice stomach? These questions are so superficial and I feel superficial for answering them but I guess in a S/O stomach on me I have neither soo...

65. Hook up or relationship? Relationship, im a sappy sappy romantic at heart a hook up is too impersonal and so crass I want the feelings 

66. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

67. Kissed a stranger: No

68. Drank hard liquor: Being that I am only 19 I’m legally obligated to say no, but my oldest sister is a horrible influence so I may have had a taste a few times 

69. Lost glasses/contact lenses: No but I have lost a retainer, twice, in the garbage. Yeah my parents werent to happy with me 

70. Turned someone down: Depends? for a date no. for anything havent we all. sex never been offered.

71. Sex on the first date: Virgin, so no and I’ve only had one real boyfriend that wasnt really a relationship anyway so yeah

72. Broken someone’s heart: I want to say no, but I guess I have not in a relationship way but you can break anyones heart for any nimber of reasons

73. Had your heart broken: Hell the fuck yeah but so many damn people 

74. Been arrested: No, close once but the store guy let me go on a warning

75. Cried when someone died:  Yes, doesnt everyone unless the deseased is like an axe murderer or something

76. Fallen for a friend: Ugh this question. I hate it so much. Yes, that boyfriend I mentioned that was the situation and that didnt end well. And then my sophomre year I was like in LOVE with this kid I had known back in elementary school and he was my best friend and he was out of my league and let me down gently. Then i fell for my frenemy my senior year, but he neber knew and it was just a phase for me I guess it didnt last long 

Do you believe in… 77. yourself?  Wish the answer was yes, maybe come again another day? 

78. Miracles?  sometimes 

79. love at first sight?  I would like to but Ii just can’t

80. Santa claus? I wish, but I am glad to pretend for my niece and nephew 

81. Kiss on the first date? Sure if it went well 

82. Angels? Nope. Sorry 

Other 83. Current best friend’s name: Well, I got three. They are my girls, my squad. Weve all been best friends for going on 4 four years. Sam, Dana, Solange 

84. Eye colour:  Brown, boring I know

85. Favourite movie: Can’t choose just one so like the entire Marvel franchise? Can I do that? Too bad I just did 

Im supposed to tag 20 more people but honestly my hands are cramping its after 10 and I really need a shower so if you want to take a crack at this I totally encourage you too. 

[octannibal-blake]

Rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose however many people you want to tag.

thank you @from-the-ashes-we-will-rise for the tag. i’m doing it...finally

And i’m tagging: followers, ur up. 

LAST

[1] drink: diet coke [2] phone call: my smother  [3] text message: my main  [4] song you listened to: idk the song but i know its lil yachty [5] time you cried: fuck you last night

HAVE YOU EVER

[6] dated someone twice: no [7] been cheated on: lol [8] kissed someone and regretted it: regret? no.   [9] lost someone special: Yes [10] been depressed: #life [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: oh god the traumaAAA

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS

[12] BLACK [13] MORE BLACK [14] blue

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

[15] made new friends: sure [16] fallen out of love: no [17] laughed until you cried: Yes [18] found out someone was talking about you: who gives a hell [19] met someone who changed you: yes [20] found out who your true friends are: sure [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: my partner is my fb friend but hes about to not be if he posts one more stupid ass meme on my wall

GENERAL

[22] how many of your tumblr friends do you know in real life: none  [23] do you have any pets: i has a pupper  [24] do you want to change your name: only so i dont have to spell it everytime i am on the phone  [25] what did you do for your last birthday: not a damn thing. im at that age where birthdays are just depressing. [26] what time did you wake up: 7am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping  [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: sunday?? [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i had more money so i could travel [31] what are you listening to right now: lil yachty... [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: my uncle [33] something that is getting on your nerves: passive aggressiveness  [35] elementary: yes but i am not smarter than a fifth grader [36] high school: lol yes [37] college: YES HOLY SHIT I GET IT I AM A N C I E N T [38] hair colour: dark blonde [39] long or short hair: depends on who you ask [40] do you have a crush on someone: bellamy blake  [41] what do you like about yourself: i’m hilarious, independent, and happy with myself. i also have a very blunt honesty. [42] piercings: nose and ears [44] nickname: pheeb [45] relationship status: in a relationship [46] zodiac sign: capricorn [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: the 100 / Game of Thrones [49] tattoos: i have 3 [50] right or left handed: right

FIRST

[51] surgery: never had one [52] piercing: ears [53] best friend: weve been bffs since we were 3. so 21 years of friendship. [54] sport: basketball [55] vacation: Atlanta i think [56] pair of trainers: why the fuck would i know this

RIGHT NOW

[57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: nothing [59] I’m about to: eat [60] listening to: my partners pandora...god help me [61] waiting for: fooooooood [62] want: bellarke to rise #PRAISE [63] get married: that word makes me cringe. neverrrrrr [64] career: i work with survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault

WHICH IS BETTER

[65] hugs or kisses: kisses gawd i hate hugs [66] lips or eyes: eyes [67] shorter or taller: taller [68] older or younger: older  [69] romantic or spontaneous: neither tbh lol [70] nice arms or nice stomach: nice person [71] sensitive or loud: neither [72] hook up or relationship: either or [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER

[74] kissed a stranger? wow these are the questions that will make me sound “bad”...yes sure okay [75] drank hard liquor? unfortunately [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? yes [77] turned someone down: yes [78] sex on first date? .....i mean it wasn’t good if that’s any consolation. [79] broken someone’s heart? maybe [80] had your own heart broken? yes [81] been arrested? no actually see i’m not that experienced [82] cried when someone died? Yep [83] fallen for a friend: yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

[84] yourself? iof course [85] miracles? i thnk so [86] love at first sight? no [87] santa claus? nope [88] kiss on the first date? sure  [89] angels? the jury is still out on that one.

OTHER

[90] current best friend’s name:   [91] eye colour: blue [92] favourite movie: hidden figures

[bigfuckingteeth]

god its been a while 

im sure nobodys reading here so lets do this . i just need to write a lot out . 

heres a timeline : march 2016 i irreversably fuck up my relatoinship to the most important person in my life, who proceeds to not communicate with me at all for four months 

april 2016 i get kicked out of my parents house again and have nowhere to go, since normally when i got kickd out i would hang out with f but . we werent speaking so i couldnt so i decided to go kick it w someone who lived far away bc i didnt want to be in issaquah where my dad might find me . bused to snohomish and staid with s for a week . we got irrevocably involved . did a lot of drugs and fucked in the forest a lot it was awesome . no going back 

summer 2016 i,m still estranged from f and am extremely bitter so figure i should just cut my losses and let him leave my life . i decided the person to fill the void he leaves is going to be s . 

august 2016 s and i move in together , by this point ive come to terms wit the fact im in love with s

fall and winter 2016 i somewhat regularly talk with f and see him like twice , we both agree we want to fix what we did wrong and be friends again but its more like.. we only bring that up when incredibly stoned like ‘shit man remember how good we used to be lets do that again’ then wed sober and not speak about it 

feb 2017 . all caught up . f is alone and takes four hits of acid bc why the hell not and we stay up literally all night talking on skype. we both decide to be mature about things , no more sarcasm and bullshit and not saying what we mean so we said a lot of things we do mean . and i always knew those things were true on some level but seeing him say it made it real . we’re in love with each other on a cellular level and we want to start like ... Doing something with that . 

which is cool and all but i have s in my life now . normally not a problem - we’re all poly . but literally all of s’s exes cheated on it/abandoned it to be with other ppl and it is extremely paranoid that i would leave it and is not comfortable with me being in a serious relationship with someone else . if i try to explain that to f hes gonna say s is being unreasonable and manipulative . if i try to explain the nature of f and i’s relationship to s its going to have a paranoid breakdown and be convinced i dont love it anymore . 

there is literally nothing i want more in life than to have a serious relationship with f . ive wanted that for years . i am absolutely wiling to lie to s about f and i’s relationship but i really dont want to it makes me feel like such an asshole but honestly. im not going to let anybody tell me how to interact with the most important person in my life . i fucking love him so much and i know together we could do incredible things and at the same time i love s so much and love living with it , these past few months have been wonderful and with s im a better person, im happier and so fulfilled, and its had such a horrible life i want to take care of it and help it actually .. enjoy being alive . 

this is so fucking stupid i never thought this would happen lmao, i never thought id be in some bullshit love triangle bc i ppersonally dont have any problem being in multiple serious relationships i never thought i would end up with somebody who wasnt comfortable with that its so stupid and i dont know what to do . i want to be as close to f as possible and really .. i cant do that if s is in my life. but i love s so so much and want it in my life this is all so fucking stupid im frustrated and want to die there are literally only two ppl on this shitty planet i care about and now theyre unknowingly making me choose between them like i just want both ? i just want to be able to love thm both without making anybody uncomfortable or paranoid or scared but i literally see no way of doing that , and IM paranoid about bringing this up to f bc im scared hed convince me to leave s idk if that would actually happen, or conciously happen, but i know f and idk .. if you want something badly you do fucked up things sometimes im scared to bring it up bc i love him and he has so much influence over me still and i think he think s isnt good for me , all three of us have hung out together during a time when s was going through A Lot of shit and did some bad things (it literally wasnt s tho .. thats a whole nother story but i know it literally wasnt s doing those things ..... okay i just have to put it here  put it somewhere but it did rape me at least once that i can remember its body did, s didnt do it but its old dead self that still is in its head did fuck i dont even want to think abut that fuck

like i know how paranoia is and i know that even if s told me it was comfortable with me being with f it rlly . wouldnt mean that . s would absolutely lie to make me feel better bc i know it wants the best for me to and is willing to sacrifice its own wellbeing for that , thats not what i want !! thats not what i fucking want but i feel like if i ever explained the extent of f and i’s connection to s it wouldnt be able to trust me andd would always be scared id leave it fuck fuck fuccckk god fuck smash my head in with a fucking rock i hate this 

so many things in my life have gotten better recently but now this bullshit , i need to navigate this bullshit and i dont know how i just want to be able to love without worrying about shit im so tired i want to cry i just want f in my life so so badly hes been gone for so long and i miss him i feel like weve missed so much by not speaking for so long , i need to catch up with him im so fucking sad just im so fucking sad