#i think when you repeatedly work closely with a text you learn to appreciate it on a whole other level

[jeanmoreaux]

Hi, I'm absolutely loving all of the literature talk (your taste is exquisite<3) and wanted to ask you what you love about Frankenstein (if you would care to elaborate). I just finished it today and enjoyed it, but didn't love it and I would love to hear your view of the book

hi! i am glad you enjoy the occasional literature talk—it's what i live and breathe for :') i think my love for frankenstein really comes down to how closely i worked with the text over the years. i think i read it for 3 different classes throughout my academic life, so i had the chance to really read the text thoroughly and engage with it from different angles. what i love about it most is probably how much is just *there* in the text; it's about parenthood, it's about nature vs. nurture, it's about hubris, it's about humanity and what it means to be human, it's about the romantic sentiment, it's about the consequences of your actions, it's about the scientific progress and how to (not) approach it and the responsibility that comes with that, it's about the consequences of being ostracised to the human psyche, it's about the cycle of violence, it's about transgenerational trauma, it's about what it feels like to live up to other people's idea of you, it's about being forced into a life you haven't chosen for yourself, it's about taking responsibility, it's about language, it's about writing and the creation of art...... and that's not all of it! i mean, you can adopt basically any of the lenses of the literary analysis toolkit and have the text make sense from that perspective (from historical criticism to marxist, feminist or queer theory -> the feminist and queer theory ones make for such interesting readings of the text. i mean i am sure you've heard about how the creature can be read as an manifestation of victor's homoerotic desires (and subsequently a externalisation of his internalised homophobia). the queer subtext in victor's dynamics with henry and elizabeth is definitely there. and ofc when looking at it from a feminist perspective how there's a clear absence of women with agency in the story and as a consequence the absence of female qualities and how all that contributes to the characters' eventual downfalls. yet the story is framed, presented AND centred by (indirect) women's narratives that seem to be almost overshadowed or suppressed—women's writing is essential to the existence of the story BUT there is only the indirect allusion to women narrators, we never actually read from a female writer (think captain robert walton's letters to his sister margaret walton saville in the most outer layer of the story and safie's letters at its core -> also consider the historical implications of how the writing of narrative letters was often practiced by women etc.).) do you see what i mean??? that's just a couple of examples and far from an exhaustive list of readings!!!

((there is a text post that provoked this ask that brushes on some other aspects of the novel.))

this novel really gives you so much to think about and talk about when you take the time to really engage with the text and sit with it. that also makes it great for rereads bc every time you go in with another focus you'll get something else out of it. and i love when a novel is able to work on so many levels.

and ofc it's also such a monumental text. that fact alone manages to sparks awe in me???? i mean, mary shelley really wrote the first sci-fi novel at 17 and lay the foundation for one of the biggest genres we know today. that's just mind-blowing to me as well.

that's the gist of it, really. but yeah, i have a lot of love for this novel in my heart. it's definitely my favourite classic.

[bastetwastaken]

Thanks for replying back to my message~ I do prefer private massages a bit more to start though I'm not opposed to sharing with people and collaborating things ⭐

Just to give perspective, I'm okay face to face in person with people but online I get a bit (sometimes a lotta bit) nervous, partly cause the delay time between messages can give my head time to tear apart words and color things in shades of worries.

The other issue, I have exactly 0 Puzzleshipping friends and I've not been an active part of a group for a fandom by myself ether which adds pressure, especially with those who's work I admire and really wish I could connect with. Sometimes I feel like I'm outside of group dynamics and get really self conscious but I don't want to cause someone to feel like they -have- to do something.

I used to just hang around a close friend and follow them though whatever they were into but that was years ago and I also went through some life changes. Now I'd like to be part of a community that aligns with my interests and not just stuck in my corner hoping for "some day". I came back to my very first ship here and have been delighted to see how it's evolved~ ❤️💜✨ but I also have still been in that corner, despite trying to comment. It might just me me tho, I've always been by myself in fandoms : /

It's a different kind of feeling to be inside of and participate rather than be impersonally idling and spectating as I have before. You can get sad and disheartened when you repeatedly try and feel like you can't reach ppl and yet see how easily others seem to do it. It can feel like there's something wrong with you even though you know ppl are different and things take time, but that want grows hungry when care catches and latches and can eat you instead.

I just wanted someone to understand the page that I'm on, to know why I might be awkward or missing somethings and need a gentle hand til I grow in those flight feathers, NEEDS EXP PLZ HELP LVL UP 🐦 I want to contribute worthwhile things to whether it's conversing or finally popping out art so I'll keep working attit and I appreciate you being here 🤍🌿

I hope I can give encouragement to you too~ we all need a little kindness and connection, you can come to me too if you need things🌿 You mentioned experiencing a bout of loneliness, I wouldn't mind listening, I like knowing what's going on and we have our rain and shine 🤍🤍 I'm gonna quietly hit up your inbox unless you want to communicate another way = )

I know people use discord, I've seen it but I've never been invited to use it soooo, idk entirely what to do there, you'd have to baby me on that (and I won't always be this long =P)

But thanks again for taking time with me 🌌

We can talk privately friend, that's not an issue ^.^ Feel free to slide into my dms any time!

I understand how you feel, online can be harder than irl because you don't have visual confirmation that the person is free to talk right that second, tone can be lost through just text and timezones, man, timezones. I'm in the UK, so I'm currently on GMT and at the time of responding it's 10:35am. I get you, I have friends in America who are five hours behind me, friends in Europe an hour ahead and a friend in Australia who's just plain living in the future. So finding time to talk can be hard, but we make it work ^^

I think the most important thing is to just keep those time differences in mind, and once you get to know someone better you'll likely realise patterns in when they're around, when they respond faster and when they might be sleeping. It's all a learning experience ^^

I can introduce you to a puzzleshipping server on discord full of lovely people if you like. It's a big server, I won't lie sometimes I get overwhelmed by how big it is, but you can sit quietly in there and just see what people are saying or you can be more active, there's no obligation either way. I know that sometimes we all just need someone to take us to those places where likeminded people are, and just hold our hand a little. We'll sort it in dms <3

My friend, I understand exactly how you feel and you're very much not alone. You're doing something amazing talking about how you feel because that shit is hard. So fucking hard, but look at you, doing it anyway. I've tried to interact with other people, sometimes those interactions just don't go the way I'd like. I've been ignored, talked over and made to feel like I don't belong and believe me when I say that we're not the only ones. It's easy to let those interactions prevent you from trying again, but you're trying again right now and I hope that this time it'll be different for you.

In regards to your other ask- Loneliness can be felt whether you're surrounded by people or not. You could have 100 friends and still feel lonely. You could get 1000's of likes on a post and still feel lonely. Loneliness is not exclusive to any particular set of circumstances, so you're not being ungrateful, you're being honest in how you feel and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I'll wait for your message <3 <3

[aquiescentraconteur]

My dear girl,

What a night.

I went to sleep peacefully yesterday. I make a point of re-reading old books that meant something to me at certain points in my life. This exercise allows me the possibility of understanding things through new lenses, under new perspectives. Re-reading a text that meant something to you in the past is a great way of knowing yourself in the present. You’ll find new favorite quotes and form new opinions over old ones. I’ve been wrapped around ‘Sense and Sensibility’ for the last weeks. My concept of Jane Austen is ever-changing, every time I grab a book by her, I’ve read in my adolescence I find a new woman in them. I appreciate new things about her, about her work. I learned a little bit about being feminine with her, the elegance and poise she describes the main characters with have been guiding lights in my earlier years. Last night I rediscovered something new about being feminine. The notion of being feminine encompasses a lot, from girly tastes to strong opinions, being a woman is always something very idiosyncratic.  

Yesterday, Elinor Dashwood – the composed and affectionate heroine of the story – showed me that being a woman is also about being argumentative, reckless and impatient. I have always been stuck between doing the right thing throughout my life. Somehow along the way, failing never became an option, mistakes were illicit, and errors were seen as an outage to the person I envisioned myself to become. It’s a heavyweight I must tell you, it has placed me in difficult situations where I end up hurting myself to protect others. Elinor, through her toughness, conveyed to me a very special lesson: forgiving the follies of others does not mean you must understand it, it means you mustn’t allow it to hurt you again. You can acquire a few sentiments of empathy and even understanding over someone’s situation, but it is your choice if it ever hurts you again. Forgiveness is about moving on, without an apology or a conversation, it’s about choosing to close a door that no longer leads anywhere. My love, you can close doors all by yourself, do not wait around for the automatic mechanism to do it for you. That is not the woman I raised.

When someone chooses to repeat mistakes that hurt you in the past, you must close the door, it no longer leads you to where you’re supposed to be. When someone perpetuates acts that wound you deeply, that shatter your heart into a million pieces, close the door before you’re out of strength to do it. This is why I’ll always tell you “If you want to know how someone really feels about you, do not use feelings or thoughts. Look at their actions.” I saw a movie once where the guy proclaimed his love repeatedly, over and over again, he said: “-I’m in love with you, you’re the love of my life.”, to this, the girl asked: “-Where? Where is this love? I can’t see it.”. This is it; this is what I mean. One can tell you he loves you, one can even think he does, but if he can’t show it, leave, close the damn door sweetie. It is not your job, and it never will be, to take responsibility for other peoples’ needs.

Be reckless, be opinionative and make mistakes. You will hurt peoples’ feelings sometimes, and although I know you won’t do it on purpose, I would rather have them hurt than you. I’m not saying you have an excuse to be an idiot, that’s not what I’m saying. What I want you to do is to live freely, without fearing making mistakes, without being intimidated or frightened by what it means to be a woman. I never want you to be petrified of being alone or afraid to act accordingly to it if you feel the need to.

I’ll always be here my angel, and I’m sure there will be others. There will be others who have fallen in love with you and that will stick by your side no matter what. Collect these people, they’re the ones making this experience worth it.

Love,

Mom, June 23th 2023

[luvdsc]

JENOVIOUS / JENSROSE PLAGIARISM + second ask ira sent + more plagiarism + gaslighting evidence

ira, you sent in an ask and requested that I relay it to lana and to also let you know that it was received, but to not post it publicly. as such, I respect your wishes and will not post it, but I’m posting both my and lana’s responses here:

You finally admit to plagiarizing my reactions, but what about copying my fic format?

You also mentioned that you haven’t plagiarized anything else, but I really don’t know if I can believe you because you kept insisting you didn’t plagiarize from me beforehand and lied to me over and over again. consequently, it’s extremely difficult for me to know whether you’re telling the truth or not.

I will not comment on your remarks about lana’s works since that’s not my business, so please see below for her response on that. however, I will say that I personally think she deserves an apology straight from you, instead of having me play telephone, especially since you were one of her anons and close to her, and she really is devastated over that.

moreover, although I appreciate that you finally partially owned up to what you did, no, I do not accept your apology for the time being. the fact that you plagiarized me was already horrible enough, but in addition to that, quite frankly, you repeatedly gaslit me. that hurt the most. I didn’t know you were jensrose initially. I really was second guessing myself until you provided the fake text and then I checked your blog and discovered who you were. you made me think I was crazy and made me doubt myself even afterwards because there’s no way that you, who had sent me kind asks and were always nice to me and even shamed people who had previously plagiarized me, would do something like this. even I couldn’t believe this at first. this entire ordeal was incredibly disrespectful and hurtful. you had plenty of chances to come clean in our private conversation, but you kept lying, made fake texts, and then deactivated before I could even respond. so no, I currently do not accept your apology.

if this is how you treat someone you had called one of your favorite writers, then I hope I don’t ever see how you treat the writers whom you don’t favor.

however, I do hope that you learn from this situation and that you won’t ever do it again. additionally, I do not feel comfortable interacting with you or having you on my blog. I hope that you can respect my wishes and boundaries, and please do not come on my blog anymore. thank you.

LANA’S RESPONSE —

while i’m glad you’re finally admitting to some of your mistakes, i’m confused as to why you only acknowledged the title of your pjo fic. i said in my post that i was also inspired by rick riordan’s titles so i didn’t care that yours was similar. i just find it hard to believe you when you say the only thing you copied was cat’s reaction, while blatantly ignoring the multiple screenshots i provided comparing parts of your fic to mine. ultimately, i won’t force you to admit what you don’t want to admit, as the screenshots speak for themselves. i would like to move on from this situation, so i truly hope you learned from this. as of now, i do not feel like your apology is 100% truthful so i will not be accepting it. i would prefer if you did not interact with me anymore as well. thanks.

p.s. as for the hp series, i have no definitive proof so i will take your word for it. (edit: this statement has been revoked due to this and this).

[binniedeactivated]

txt reactions. ||  👾👾

Reaction to them cheating on you...

a/n; was just in the mood to write this, purely self indulgent because this is what sam smith at 5am does to me <3

soobin;

it’s been a while since you and soobin had done anything romantic. so, while he was at work you decided to fix the house up pretty and make him a big dinner. the both of your work schedules prevented you both from even touching each other, you were much too tired. most nights you guys would come home and go straight to bed. you thought a nice dinner, some lingerie and soft sex would get you both back on your game again. you got off work a little earlier tonight and  put your plan into action, making all of his favorite foods and lighting some candles in your bedroom to make everything look as romantic as possible. you even went as far as to making the bathtub water floral and inserting scented candles in there also.

you were excited. you were finally going to do something with your boyfriend other than sleep inside the same bed as him night after night. you thought he would be really happy about it as well considering he was often moody when you two weren’t clingy like usual. you lit the last candle while you heard a bit of bustling on the side of the door and you assumed soobin could be coming in at any moment. you turned off the light and stood further away from the door, waiting to surprise him.

as soon as the keys unlocked the door you heard a body slam into the wall beside it while soobin closes the door with his foot. you heard soft moans and you could see soobin rushing to take his jacket off just to throw it on the floor beside him and lift the girl on the wall by her thighs. your blood began to boil.

“fuck soobin-- you really gonna fuck me right here? while you’re girlfriend isn’t home?”.

“we have another hour baby”. soobin groans and moves his lips to her neck. she grips his hair strands and continues letting the meek noises flow from her throat.

“you have another hour?”. you spoke up loud enough to startle them. soobin jumps and immediately puts her down to glare back at you in fear. “baby i was just--”.

“i got off work early and bought all this shit just so we can have a romantic night to ourselves. I cooked, I set up the bathroom and the bedroom. I made it all nice and pretty thinking maybe we can eat and have some fun. but now I see why you haven’t been touching me. It isn’t because we’re tired it’s because you’re too busy fucking someone else”.

the girl breathes, releasing her grip from soobin’s forearm. “maybe I should leave--”.

“yeah maybe you should. now”. 

she scoots past soobin and slips out of the door with ease. soobin could only stare at you in guilt. “It’s not even like that baby I swear”.

you blow the candles out one by one. “sure it wasn’t soobin. you were about to fuck her had I not spoke up sooner. how long has it been?”.

“what are you talking about?”.

you take a spoon from his plate and throw it at his chest. “you know what the hell I’m talking about. how long have you been fucking her?”.

he rubs himself in pain. “only a few weeks”.

“good. i hope you continue to enjoy her for the rest of your life. you’re going to need someone to keep you company because I’m not staying with you”.

“baby I just felt like we haven’t really been doing anything so I thought--”.

“so you thought--hey let me just go cheat? you’re an idiot and that’s a stupid ass excuse”

“cmon--you know I’m a man we have needs”.

“I’m a woman with needs too soobin! you think we all don’t crave sex sometimes? what did you think I was making this whole night about?! I wanted to spend time with you and have sex. but you’re getting your needs met with someone else so I’ll do the same thing. like I said enjoy her. this will be the last time you ever see me again”.

“I’m sorry--look I’m sorry I’ll cut ties with her and I won’t do again”.

“save every last apology you have. I’m not taking it. I’m find someone else”.

yeonjun;

it was all over everywhere. especially stan twitter. and quite frankly you were tired of seeing it. it was yeonjun doing his solo song at their recent concert, singing jealous by labrinth. he sung it as painfully and brutal as if someone stuck a stake through his heart with no care in the world. but he wasn’t the hurt one here. it was you. he was cheating on you repeatedly with numerous women, not giving a damn about his actions until you caught him. and now here he was, singing his heart out on stage and crying, making everyone believe you were the one that broke his heart.

his voice croaked and cracked when he sung it. and you’ll admit it he sung it beautifully. so beautiful it made you cry every time you heard it. it was sad that you both had to end a three year relationship because he didn’t know how to be with you and you only. you were sick of his games, his lies, you were sick of it all. you wanted to be completely free of him. you moved to a different city and took an acting job elsewhere. one you were proud of in fact. well, you were proud of it before you realized who was casted to play as your ex in the next episode.

you avoided yeonjun during rehearsal as much as you possibly could. but that didn’t stop him from singing about you on stage and pouring his heart out as if he missed you. you didn’t believe he missed you. you thought he just missed the fact that you gullible enough to fall for every lie he told. today was another taping day. like the script instructed you open the door and yeonjun was required to be there with a sullen expression on his face.

“what are you doing here?”.

“just give me another chance. please. I swear this time I’ll do right by you”.

you attempt to shut the door in his face but he holds it open with arm. which wasn’t in the script at all. neither was his next line.

“please. please I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. I know i wasn’t the best boyfriend. I was so stupid for thinking those girls could ever make up for the endless love that you showered me with. I’m so dumb for taking you for granted in the moment I thought that having multiple partners would make me feel better about myself and boost my ego but it only hurt me in the end. It made me feel so empty. you were the only person that could ever make me feel whole”.

you cross your arms, seeing that this became real.

“yeah, you’re stupid for losing me but i’m not responsible for your wholeness yeonjun. you are. don’t ever depend on someone else to make you happy that’s selfish. the emotional trauma and stress you put me through is something I will never go through again. you broke me beyond repair. I constantly poured out for you and all you did was take. you didn’t appreciate me and I don’t deserve that. you sung about how you were jealous of anyone else I ever come across because you’re afraid of someone loving me the way you should’ve. I’m not running back to you anymore”.

tears raced down his cheeks.

“I���ll be good to you. just please let me be good to you”.

“no. I’m done with you”.

beomgyu;

the front door open and closed softly but he didn’t think you were awake. little did he know you were. in fact you were wide awake. your pregnancy hormones kept you up later than usual. you were grateful though because you were wide awake enough to see beomgyu. to see him try to discreetly throw his condom wrapper in the nearby garbage before taking his jacket off and placing it on the coat rack.

you quickly turned the kitchen light on behind him which startled him completely. he frighteningly turns around to face you, he could already tell you weren’t too pleased with how late he was coming in. his heart started to pound rapidly hoping you wouldn’t suspect anything. but you saw everything. even down to the purple hickeys on his neck that he failed to cover.

“I’m so sick and tired of this gyu. I’m so sick”.

“I had to work late tonight. me and the boys-“.

“you and the boys weren’t doing anything because I already texted yeonjun and soobin and they said you got off work two hours ago. so where the hell where you?”. you fold your arms, hating how he was getting you worked up while you were carrying his child. he swallows,

“I had some extra things to take care of”.

“like what? who were you fucking gyu? because I’m not stupid”.

“why would I cheat on you while you’re pregnant? that’s bad for baby. I think you’re just stressing yourself out at this point”.

“I’m stressing myself out?!”. you lean over as best as you could just to pluck the wrapper out the garbage can and angrily flick it at his face. “what the fuck is this then? and why are you lying about it?!”.

“babe that’s from the last time we--”.

“that’s bullshit beomgyu! when have we ever used a condom?! please tell me and then after that please tell me what the hell are those marks are your neck?!”.

he reaches his hand up to try and cover them. “mosquitos--I’ve been getting bitten by a lot of bugs lately”. you shove him backwards.

“get out! please get out until you can learn how to stop cheating and lying. go get yourself some fucking help. I’m not doing this with you! when the baby is born we can figure out some custodial situations but I don’t want to be with you if you don’t want to be with me. I’m done with this. I’m done with us”.

“don’t do this. you know what I want most is to be a dad. how are you just going to kick me out?”.

you shook your head in disbelief. “pack your shit and go beomgyu”. you hated yourself for crying. “I don’t want you here anymore”.

“I’ll admit it then i was cheating. alright? is that what you wanted to hear?”.

“it’s sad that it took me threatening to kick you out for you to come clean. you’re not even man enough to tell me straight up?”.

“I won’t do it anymore. just please let me father my son in the same household I can’t do any of that custody crap. don’t be like this”.

“you did it to yourself. had you made it clear that you wanted to love me, the mother of your son, you wouldn’t be out here cheating and lying like you are right now. I’m not stressing myself over this anymore beomgyu. get out. take all of your stuff with you”.

taehyun;

friday nights always ended like this. you and taehyun cuddled together on his living room sofa eating too many snacks to name. surrounded by complete darkness except for the movie blaring on the television screen. most would think that couples your age would love to spend their friday nights partying or drinking. however you and taehyun were a different pair.

“sweetheart can you get your elbow off my bladder that’s why I have to go pee every five seconds”.

“no you have to pee every five seconds because you’re lowkey pregnant”.

as taehyun gets up he laughs at your comment. “whatever. I’ll be back can you pause it?”.

you shove another piece of popcorn in your mouth before pressing the middle on the remote, rushing him. in the midst of waiting though you realized taehyun’s phone was getting numerous notifications, most of which you brushed off thinking it was the group chat he’s in with the boys. but an unfamiliar number popped up on his phone screen, one you haven’t saw before. in pure wonder you grab ahold of his phone, taking another peak at the bathroom door before unlocking it to see the message.

333-333-333: are you still with her? when she goes to sleep you should come over...

with a jaw clenched you angrily squeeze his phone, wanting to lock it again so you can gather your thoughts. but you couldn’t help yourself from scrolling through his message thread with whoever the number was, which you assumed was some girl because she’d been sending him nudes since a couple of weeks ago. and to make matters worse he was responding with heart eyes. once the sink in the bathroom went off taehyun closes the door behind himself and you immediately lock his phone, glaring at him with the coldest expression you could muster.

“sweetheart? what’s the matter? why do you have my phone?”.

with your heart racing you launch his phone at his chest. “fuck you taehyun!”. you remove the blankets off yourself to fetch your shoes. he winces at the sudden hit just before unlocking his phone to see that you had opened his message thread. shit.  “why are you going through my phone?”.

“that’s all you have to fucking say?! why was i going through your phone? why were you getting nudes from some other girl?! that’s the real question!”. you grab your bag and approach the door. of course taehyun was trying his best to pull you back over to him. you snatch his arms of your torso in a fit of rage. “she’s just a friend--”.

“we’ve been dating for 5 years and you do this shit?! fuck you. if you didn’t want me anymore you could’ve just said that. don’t call me, don’t text me or talk to me anymore. we’re done”.

“sweetheart please. I can’t be alone. I didn’t even mean to text her i don’t know what came over me”.

“don’t talk to me anymore. you’re a cheater. that’s what came over you”.

“so you’re just going to leave so quick like that?”.

“you think you deserve for me to stay? you’re so fucking self centered. don’t make me seem like the weak one for leaving someone who obviously doesn’t love me anymore. now move your damn hands. I’m leaving”.

and with that there was a slamming door. taehyun could feel his heart sink with every step you took down the hallway.

kai;

you were working when you got the notification. it was from your bank account, specifically the joint account you and kai shared. they were notifying you about a recent purchase from last night. one that you hadn’t remembered at all so you figured it had to be kai. he didn’t know that you opted to be notified about the spending on the account just to make sure the both of you were keeping your savings in order. but one thing that wasn’t in order was what the last purchase was on.

dinner for two and perfume shopping.

no. no way. you checked once again to make sure you weren’t seeing things. but the notification was loud and clear. you figured maybe someone had stolen your credit card and began using it. but even that wouldn’t make sense because it has a pin and only you and kai knew it. you felt your cheeks grow hot at the thought of kai with someone else. you knew he was acting a little distant these past couple of days but you couldn’t figure out why. the tears welled in your eyes but you refused to let them fall, in front of your colleagues at least. you took a step out into the bathroom to take a breath. but you couldn’t keep yourself from crying. you couldn’t understand why he’d be doing this. you loved him too much and too hard for him to even think of being with someone else.

you opened your phone deciding to call him. the phone ringed so many times you thought he wasn’t going to pick up until he finally picked up on the last ring. you didn’t even give him a chance to speak once he did.

“kai i’m only going to ask you this one time and please don’t lie to me”.

“what’s wrong baby?”.

“don’t call me that. who were you taking out on a date the other night? buying perfume for?”. you ask more calmly than you rehearsed in your head. kai’s heart dropped. he panicked. how did you know?

“no one. what are you talking about? you sound so upset. I don’t like when you’re like this baby”.

you exhale heavily. fury pooled in your chest. “you don’t like it? so why the hell were you cheating? you know what? you’re so pathetic. i can’t. I’m fucking leaving you”.

“baby for what? why are you leaving? don’t leave me I promise I wasn’t with anyone else”.

“you sound so innocent when you say that. is that what you like? huh? you like sounding innocent so you can further manipulate me?”.

“baby please”.

“don’t worry. I’ll be out the house by tonight”.

[laufeysodinson]

Two sets of baby blues

Pairing: Henry Cavill/Reader Rating: G Warning/s: childbirth Summary: giving birth to your first daughter with henry Word count: ~2.1k A/n: it’s 2 am ...... did so much research i could probably be an ob/gyn now. i just really hope it doesn’t sound too methodological/technical and that you guys like it! Officially devoid of emotions bc i RAN OUT after this hahahaha! likes and comments are always appreciated, because right now Tumblr is my only source of validation lol. Sending all my love to you guys <3 Taglist: @harrysthiccthighss​ @littlesidewriter​ @kandomeresbitch @harlotforhenry​ @cristinagronk16​ @henrythickcavill​ @thereisa8ella​ @lareinedususpense​ photos below found on (you guessed it!) Pinterest.

Feeling a mild popping sensation along with a brief trickle of liquid down your legs, you woke up startled, your hands clutching your 39-week belly instinctively as you sat up. You felt your eyes widen as you looked down at your comforter-covered legs, and hastily pulled it back.

“Did I just pee myself again?” You muttered to yourself. Kal, who was sleeping in the space between yours and Henry’s legs, looked up at you with his head tilted to the side. You twisted so you could turn on the lamp on the side table to see clearer. You breathed a sigh of relief when it didn’t look or even smell like pee. I didn’t pee myself! Yay!

Wait a minute... if this isn’t pee... then...

You gasped loudly, startling Kal. The bear was now more alert, his ears moving at every sound you make. “It’s okay, bear. Just your baby sister announcing her arrival.” You tried to console him, knowing that he was worried about you.

With one hand on your belly and the other reaching out to touch Henry’s bicep, you shook his body and hoped to God that that was enough to wake him up. Nope. No response. Just a single “hmm?” and he went back off to dreamland.

Checking your phone, you huffed when it said that it was only 11:43 in the evening. Which meant that you were only asleep for about thirty minutes when your baby woke you up because she suddenly decided that she wanted to come out.

You breathed deeply and looked at Henry, seeing his perfect face sleeping with a little smile on his face—which was the reason why you were in this position anyway—and gripped his bicep tightly in surprise when the first wave of a painful contraction hit you. You could feel your fingernails slightly digging into his skin when his eyes suddenly opened and he grabbed your hand. He sat up, winced, and said to you, “What is it? Are you okay? Is it the baby?”

You closed your eyes and just breathed. Inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth. This mantra (which you already learned from a yoga class waaay back even before you were pregnant) was repeatedly going through your head as you opened your eyes and calmly stated, “My water broke.”

There was a pause wherein you could kind of see the cogs turning in his head as he processed what you just said to him. It was a really comical moment when his eyes widened slowly and his jaw dropped, blinking away the sleepiness and realizing what this meant. He ran a hand through his hair, obviously starting to get stressed out. “Uhh,” he dumbly croaked as he looked at your face, then your belly, then back to your face again.

You started laughing at the look on his face despite the discomfort but that turned into a groan once the pain intensified. “Ohhhh god. The fuck did I get myself into?” You whimpered as you doubled over, clutching your belly with two hands.

You looked over at Henry, who was still staring at you with a dumbfounded look on his face and panted, “Babe... get the hospital bag ready and maybe call the doctor?”

You felt his body jerk a little bit and immediately, the man sprung into action and stood up, Kal following his lead. “Right. Right, the hospital bag.” He briskly walked to the left, then to the right, then back at you. “It’s in the closet.” You mumbled, answering his unspoken question. “Closet, yep.” He grunted and quickly walked over to the closet.

If you weren’t too busy concentrating on your breathing, you would’ve found it funny that he didn’t know where the hospital bag was especially because he was the one who packed it and put it in the closet for you a few weeks ago. You just laid out the things on the bed, and when you came out from the bathroom after your 200th pee that day, he was sitting there folding the tiny baby clothes and was packing them into the bag gently.

Let’s just say that you were an emotional, blubbery mess who cried at everything, especially when you thought that you were so blessed to have this man as your baby daddy. And okaaaay fine, seeing his enormous frame carefully and meticulously smoothing over the teeny newborn clothes was a bit overwhelming for you. If you weren’t pregnant, you DEFINITELY would’ve been after seeing that.

He came out, the bag slung on his shoulder while he was trying to put on a plain white shirt at the same time. Which was (obviously) an impossible feat to achieve, so he settled for letting the shirt hang around his neck temporarily while he put down the bag on the bed and handed you a pair of panties, a pad, and a t-shirt dress to change into.

Walking down the stairs with Kal following behind once the both of you were ready, Henry was panting loudly in your ear, trying to mimic the way you were breathing. He was trying to apply the relaxation techniques you both learned at Lamaze classes and you couldn’t help but be amused by his apparent nervousness.

“Hen, honey, you need to calm down.” You quietly advised and sat down on the couch, Kal immediately jumping up beside you and laying his head on your lap, trying to provide you some comfort.

“Okay, don’t panic! Stay. Calm.” He fretted, running around like a headless chicken with his phone to his ear. You stared at him with your eyebrows furrowed and an incredulous look on your face, briefly forgetting that you were the one in pain and the one pushing out a human from your body.

“Ohhhhhh my fucking...” You whined when the same wave of pain washed over you, squeezing your eyes shut and stroking Kal’s fur, hoping that that would aid in releasing endorphins that could help you deal with this hell. Henry looked at you, removing his phone for a second from his ear, glancing at the screen to check the time. “I think that was around fifteen minutes apart?” Henry said back into the phone, his other hand placed on his hip.

He nodded as he ended the call, taking a deep breath. And with that he said, “alright, love. So we don’t need to go to the hospital yet. We’ll wait for a little bit and leave when your contractions are five minutes apart.”

You nodded as he walked towards the couch, sitting beside you and snapped his fingers at Kal, pointing to the floor. “Kal, down.” The bear wasn’t happy with it, but complied anyway after a huff and settled on the ground, his head resting on his paws.

You shifted and changed your position on the couch, now with your back to Henry’s front and his legs on both sides of your body. His hands went to the lower part of your belly, stroking softly. The two of you breathing in sync with your hands over his as he pressed his lips to your temple.

Thankfully, the Lamaze relaxation techniques also worked on him as he was calmer now and less tense. Honestly, right now he probably needed it more than you did.

“Hi, my little princess.” Henry cooed, feeling the baby become quite active when she heard his voice.  Rolling your eyes lovingly with a smile, you could already tell that she would definitely be a daddy’s girl. “We can’t wait to finally meet you,” he continued, looking over your shoulder and down at your belly. “If you get here faster, I’ll buy you a pony.” He whispered conspiratorially as you looked back at him with your mouth wide open, scoffing, “no you’re not!”

All he did was smirk back at you and laugh when he felt the baby move even more. See? The two of them were already ganging up on you. They would be able to rule the world if they wanted to.

Many many hours later (you stopped counting when the pain felt like period cramps mixed with diarrhea but worse), you both managed to take Kal for a short and slow walk, replace the sheets, eat a light breakfast and watch two movies on Netflix. Both of you just talking quietly in between and occasionally answering messages from family and friends who repeatedly texted asking “is she here yet?”

But now you found yourself not being able to do anything at all. From here on, it was all just... pain. P A I N.

“Ohhhhh fuck me sideways!” You groaned as you leaned over the kitchen counter with your head resting on your forearms. Henry was beside you, rubbing your lower back soothingly as he jokingly said, “That’s what got us here in the first place!”

You sharply looked at him and glared, the goofy smile on his face slowly becoming more solemn when he checked the watch on his wrist. “It’s time, my love.”

Walking outside and making sure that Kal was secure inside the house, Henry opened the door in the back and placed the hospital bag on the seat. Afterwards, he jumped inside the driver’s side and turned on the car, proceeding to drive out of the parking spot in front of your house. Two minutes of silence in the car later, he glanced at the passenger side and pressed on the breaks. Wait. 

Where the fuck were you?

Realizing that he forgot his wife, he quickly made a U-turn and drove back to your house. As soon as he came back, you were standing in front with your hands on your hips and the most deadpan expression you could muster. He held in his laugh, knowing that you would only get more annoyed if he let it out.

When he got out of the car, he hurried over to you and smiled saying, “love you.” You raised an eyebrow at him and pursed your lips saying, “really?” He just kissed your forehead in response and started guiding you to the car, his left hand on your lower back, the other holding your hand.

Around two hours later, you were laying down on the hospital bed, your legs wide open and about to deliver this baby. “Someone get this god damn baby OUT OF ME!” You growled and threw your head back, groaning because it felt like your uterus wanted to yeet out of your body.

You were clutching Henry’s hand for dear life, most definitely cutting off his circulation but he didn’t mind. You were making his dream of becoming a father come true. You had to deal with the horrors of childbirth, so this bone-crushing grip of yours? He could most definitely handle.

And FINALLY, after what felt like forever... but actually fifty three minutes later, a healthy 7.3-pound baby girl was placed in your arms after the doctors checked her, and you felt like nothing else in the world existed. “Oh my god,” you cried, tears of exhaustion, happiness and contentment were flowing down your face and an overwhelming abundance of love deep within your chest.

“I’m so proud of you,” you heard Henry choke out and you looked at him, seeing a few tears escape from his eyes too. Giggling quietly at how sappy you both were being, you pressed your lips to his for a soft kiss murmuring, “Love you so much.”

“Wanna hold him, daddy?” You whispered and he nodded slowly, staring at your daughter with pure adoration in his eyes and looking like he was in lost a trance.

You gently passed the baby to him, your heart melting when you saw the baby open her eyes, squinting because of the light. “Oh, my love. Hi there. You’re so beautiful, just like your mummy.” He grinned, tenderly swaying from side to side. From one set of blue eyes with a splash of brown in one to another set of just blue, the two most important people in your life bonded skin to skin for the very first time.

henrycavill A little princess decided to grace us with her presence a few days ago... so now I hear you wonder, “but who is this little princess you’re talking about?” Well... everybody say hello to our daughter with whom we are utterly enthralled with, Amélie Matilda. Even the bear, who at first was pondering whether or not she was a snack or a friend, is now very much captivated.

And to my wife, everyday throughout your pregnancy I was and still am in awe of you and your incredible strength. Today was proof that you are a legend even to absolute legends and a true superhero. Thank you, my love. I am the luckiest.

This is only the beginning 😁 So many adventures to come!!!

[dinner-djarin]

Until the Sun Rises

Part 1: Chosen or not

Anakin Skywalker x Jedi!reader

Notes: As much as I love Star Wars, I am not completely versed in how the Force works, so I may or may not have made some stuff up. Honestly I'm not really sure, but I tried not to make it too drastic. Also I made up a name for the readers Master (Master Setne). I hope it doesn't take anyone out of the fic. Also this fic is dedicated to @hellotherebonky. Happy Birthday! I hope you enjoy ;)

Word count: 2.9k

Rating: T

Summary: Growing up as a Jedi isn't all you wished it could be. You wonder if this path is the right one for you, that is until you meet a young Anakin Skywalker.

Warnings: Nothing I can think of immediately. There might be light swearing somewhere, but honestly it's pretty PG, being about the Jedi and all. Very Angsty. It's kinda self doubty and there's some negative thoughts about the readers own abilities and stuff (pls be kind to yourself)

The Jedi life is all you’ve ever known. But if you’re being honest with yourself, you aren’t quite convinced you’re cut out for it.

Sure, you want the galaxy to be safe and at peace. Sure, you understand that you have been blessed by the Maker; given the ability to use and understand The Force in a more intimate way than most. But every day that passes in the temple makes you wonder whether this life is the one you would choose for yourself, or if it just so happens to be the life you’ve ended up with.

Being a Padawan is no easy feat. You study day in and day out. You practice and you meditate, and you learn as much as you can, as fast as you can. Your Master has been a guiding lighting through your training, taming your desires and chaotic nature. But as much as you appreciate all they have done for you; they aren't the reason you stay.

There’s only one person who keeps you trapped in the life you wish you could leave. He’s the only true friend and family you feel like you’ve ever known. Even though Master Setne has been there for you through all your highs and lows, only Anakin Skywalker feels like home.

Your first few years at the temple felt so dark and clouded, but the day you met the young boy changed everything. His aura was warm and inviting, and it blended so beautifully with yours - his light blue the perfect complement to your vibrant orange.

You were acquainted quickly, and inseparable from that moment on. Your training was slightly slower than his, but still you made the point to work hard and stay close to him. Even as younglings, any time you could be together, you were. Later in life, Anakin would taunt you for this, saying you were always chasing after him, following him like a lost Loth-cat. But you knew in your heart that he never wanted to be without you. He felt protective over you. He liked knowing you were with him should anything go wrong, as if the boy could do anything to stop impending threats. It brought him joy and comfort to see your smile as you chased him down every hall of the temple.

Later on, however, your training would take you down slightly separate roads. Obi-wan insisted that Anakin’s training be practical and hands-on, something you wished desperately for. However, you were stuck at the temple, learning theory and force abilities, glued to holo-screens full of ancient texts, your brain overwhelmed and understimulated. You longed for the day you got to experience a fight; you craved danger and secretly wished for an outrageous calamity on a far-off planet where you could sweep in and save the day.

However, the days where Anakin joined your studies kept you hopeful. The stolen glances behind monitors and quiet laughter that arose from your persistent silly faces kept a smile plastered on your face for weeks. Any moment shared with Anakin filled your days and nights with a longing bliss; a dream of what life could be like when it was just the two of you, the rest of the world falling away. Every responsibility or dread of impending doom faded to a place you could not reach and did not care to look. Only he mattered. And you hoped - dreamed - that he felt the same for you.

You wondered if maybe when he was on assignment off world, facing unknown dangers and near-death experiences, if you were on his mind. If when he came back bloodied and bruised, he wished for you to greet him first, for you to comfort him at his side in the infirmary. Obviously, you were important to him, being one of the only other people willing to put up with his boyish arrogance, but still you feared you may not have brought him the same comfort that he did for you.

As you grew older, you were lucky to find your bedchambers right next door to those of Anakin’s, and even more lucky to know that your headboards fell against the same adjacent wall. The two of you spent countless nights reaching out through the force to feel each other's presence. A tease for what you could have, had your barrier disappear. As you tuned your skills, you were able to do more than feel each other's auras. Eventually, you lay awake night after night speaking to each other in a way most could never understand. It was more than words shared amongst friends. It was a swirling mix of emotions and images and fears and dreams, blended together intimately between the wall which kept your physical forms separate.

When you were teens - almost adults - you found ways to become more reckless. Sneaking out to roam the temple halls and explore to places previously forbidden. Finding your way to rooftop balconies of your own making and watching the stars of Coruscant’s sky. Anakin would list off the plethora of different systems he had been to, whereas you were only able to name a handful that you’d visited yourself. You followed his lead, as he yearned to push every boundary in his way. He had never been one to follow commands blindly, and it leaked into the life he shared with you. Your stolen moments were often a direct product of Anakin’s juvenile disregard for the Order’s attempt to control him.

One night, you were readying yourself for sleep when you heard your door quickly slide open and shut before you could even turn to observe it.

“What the-” you start to question as you turn to face the intruder.

“Your senses must be dulling, young Padawan” he starts with a whisper. “If you cannot sense my presence after so many years together.”

“First of all, Anakin, you’re a Padawan as well, so don’t even start that. And second, as much as I wish I could ignore your cocky presence in the Force, I tend not to expect anyone's presence when I’m about to go to sleep for the night.”

“Well, if you can only feel my presence when you are expecting it, you won't be a very efficient Knight, will you, little one?”

“Anakin, I swear. I’m only a year younger than you, please stop calling me that!” Every time he talks about how young you are, your heart splinters just a little. Every day you wished he saw you in a better light, saw you for the woman you almost were, instead of the child he first met. “And I would be a better Jedi if Master Setne actually believed in me. But no. I’m stuck here while you get to go wave your saber around every star system in the galaxy. I mean come on it’s not like you're so special. Hmm Mister ‘Chosen One’”

“Erg, I wish you’d stop that.” He grunted quietly.

“What? I mean Obi-wan believes it. His master believed it too. It’s not so crazy-”

“No. I wished you’d stop. Stop thinking of me like that.” His words pierce you like ice, a harsh grip at your throat. Stop thinking of me like that. His words brought an irrational wave of confusion to your thoughts. Every fear you’d known came bubbling to the surface in a moment, fearing he knew of your affection… and subsequently didn’t return it. “And I wish you didn’t think of yourself like that. You are talented, little one. You're brilliant and cunning. I’ve sparred with you enough to know that you would be able to hold your own out there.”

He moves to sit on your bed, although you remain frozen on the spot. Anakin gazes out of your floor-to-ceiling window, “I’m not better than you. I’m not who they want me to be. I’m not Chosen.” He whispers quietly, almost low enough that you wonder if he even intended for you to hear.

Slowly, your heartbeat evens out and you think you begin to breathe again. It's not your feelings of love that he despised, but your eagerness to view him as superior to you. The feeling in your fingertips and toes returns and it is enough to get you to move towards the window as well.

You move carefully to sit cross-legged beside him, and you join him in watching the bustle of Coruscant in silence. After several minutes of gazing at speeders pass by and store signs blink repeatedly you place your hand on his thigh and gently tilt your head to rest on his shoulder.

“I know you Anakin, arguably better than most, and you are talented. You’re amazing. There’s a reason you're out there keeping peace, while the rest of us barely get to leave the temple. You may just be the best Jedi of our age one day. Chosen or not.”

“I doubt that very much.” He spoke plainly, almost compulsory. Like he knew your words were true, but he had to deny them anyway. Anakin had always been self-assured. He never tried very hard but could somehow always tackle any difficult topic during training. Something that might take you a month to master took him mere minutes.

“Modesty doesn’t look good on you.” You note, as you take in the way his brow furrows and his lips scrunch into a frown. He always looked good, the damn jerk, but poking at his ego always came easy to you.

“I won’t lie to you,” He starts as he meets your examining gaze, and you dare to raise your brow, “You’d see right through me if I even tried,” he smiles, and you stifle a giggle as you listen closely to his next confession, “I do think I could be great. I notice how easy everything comes to me, how little work I have to put in, especially compared to you. Sometimes I even think Obi-wan is running out of things to teach me. He deals more in life lessons now than saber training. And I do wish to one day be on the council, maybe even lead it-”

“Oh, I wouldn’t dream that far Anakin,” you cut him off, and you don't miss the worry that fills his face. Eager to ease him, you finish, “I doubt you’ll be able to outlive Master Yoda. 900 years he’s going on, if I’m correct? Good luck topping that.” And with a wink you see ease wash over him, with a huff of laughter barely escaping his nose.

“You’ve got me there, little one.” He says as he turns his stare back to the city. “Regardless, even though I know I could make it, I wonder if it’s truly the place for me.” He finishes. But in a second you whip your eyes around to meet his staring back at you.

“What are you talking about Anakin! You’re everything the council looks for. Brave, talented, brilliant, and even after all that, you care. You care about protecting the galaxy, keeping peace. You care about everyone around you. They should count themselves lucky to have you amongst their ranks. And besides…” You start to confess, but quickly lose momentum.

After a moment of quiet, Anakin presses you, “Besides what?”

“Anakin, if you don’t belong here… You have to because…”

“Little one?”

“If you don’t belong here, how can I?” You finally admit, both to him and yourself. You know it is foolish, but you’ve always thought of him as the ideal Jedi. Perfect in every way. Ready for battle, or negotiation. Wanting to save everyone with his kind heart. If he didn’t believe he fit here, how could you? How could anyone?

“Hey, don’t say that. You’re an amazing Jedi, well Jedi-in-training.” he corrects himself, “I just think sometimes I’m not made to sit and talk about issues. And I worry that when I have the freedom to be a fully-fledged Knight, I may not agree with the council. Even now I often wonder if their decisions are the best, or most efficient. They seem so detached from it all…” His eyes fall to his lap, and from only his profile you can see how worried he truly is about the matter.

“You’re right.” His eyes dart up to meet your own, that lost look beginning to melt in the presence of your agreement. “They do seem detached but isn’t that the way it's supposed to be. ‘No attachments’ and all that. If they - if we - attach ourselves to things, we cannot make educated decisions. We must trust in The Force for guidance. And since our Master’s have developed their connections fully, we must trust their decisions as they work through The Force.”

“Yes. You are right.” Anakin begins, a tone of disappointment lodged in his voice.

“But we must also trust ourselves,” you counter, “And know that our own connection to The Force might guide us differently from what the council suggests. If we can’t trust ourselves, we have no business being Jedi, in-training that is.” You finish, and you hope that Anakin has not lost hope in your words. He basically told you that he feels the same struggle that you do, but you were too ashamed to admit that. You wish to yourself that you could be like him. Brave and courageous. Daring and bold. Willing to bare himself to you so openly and knowing full-well what consequences may come. “Anakin,” your voice now only a whisper, and you make your way to hold his hand, “I hope you know that you do belong here. Even if you never make it on the council.” His eyes now full of confusion and hurt from your words, but you persist. “Even if you are the Chosen One... or not. All I know is what I’ve seen. And I have seen you become a strong, caring man. A man who does what he believes is right, no matter the consequences to himself. Even the things you neglect to tell me, I hear from the Temple gossip. I know how close to death you’ve been, for the sake of others. You’ve risked your life, even for your Master on occasion. I mean come on, Anakin. How could we not be lucky to have you here? One day you will do something incredible for the Jedi order, I know it. Even if you don’t think so, I know. I know you belong here, and I know you will be the best of us. So, if you don’t trust yourself, or your Master, or The Force... then trust me.”

The words tumbled from your tongue like an avalanche, unstoppable and devastating. The moment they left you, you wished for your Life Force to be sucked away on the spot. But Anakin just stared at you. He stared and you stared back. And if not for the noise of the upper levels of Coruscant, you might have thought you had been transported somewhere new; to a place where only you two existed. You could feel his body heat diffusing through his fingers to your frozen clutch, yet still your blood ran cold out of the fear for what might happen next.

“What will come of us when we are Knighted, little one?” He asked through an equally hushed tone. “What will I do without your constant guidance?”

“What will I do without you, Anakin? I already can’t stand being left here alone so often, watching you traverse the galaxy with Obi-wan. When you’re Knighted, which could very well be any day now, you’ll be gone for so much longer. And I’ll still be here.”

You barely manage to breathe in the presence of the suffocating silence that follows your words. But soon after, you hear Anakin's quiet unassured voice return. “I could take you with me?”

“Stop it, Anakin.” You playfully retort.

“I’m serious.” His voice becoming stronger in his conviction, “Once we are Knighted - the both of us - we can ask to be assigned together. It would be unwise for the council to deny how well we work together. You’d only have to wait until you face the trials, which I know won't be long either. You work hard enough, and Master Sente would be a fool to keep you locked up here much longer.” The dream of partnering with Anakin brings warmth back to your body, and you allow yourself a moment to indulge in the picture. You and Anakin defending each other, protecting each other. The long trips through hyperspace where you could strategize, and train together. You could spend every day and every night with each other. The dream is delectable.

But it is just that. A dream.

Not only would you need the approval of the council and need to wait until whenever your Master decided you were ready for the trials. But you also knew that new Knights were rarely assigned together. If anything, they were often stationed with their Master’s for months until it was assured they could handle any troubles on their own.

“It’s a nice idea,” you placate his wistful thinking, “I truly hope we get to see that day soon.” And with those words you decide the night must come to an end. You nudge Anakin's side and remark the hour, “Our Master’s will have us running drills for days if they catch us up so late past curfew.”

“Well then. Until the sun rises,” He says with a wink.

“And until the sun sets.” You finish as you watch your door slide shut between you and him.

~~~~~~~

Part 2

Thanks for reading!

There will be 3 parts to this story, so if you enjoyed, stay tuned!! Its gonna be tragic..

[nomazee]

Slow

ushijima wakatoshi x reader

word count: 3400+

content: soulmate au (matching soulmarks), developing relationship, mild angst, ushijima is just Very Clueless sometimes, weird pacing (i can never get the pacing of my writing right :/ )

(hi hi hi!! here’s the ushijima oneshot i mentioned a few days ago. this was something i started working on a while ago but dropped it momentarily to focus on some other stuff. i ended up rewriting it completely and renewing the concept a bit.

this is sort of a different writing style? but that’s mainly because i wanted to adjust the way i wrote to the way the reader’s thoughts came through. i hope that makes sense? and i hope this is still readable!!

i really hope you guys like this one. while soulmate aus aren’t my most favorite trope, i definitely like the way you can twist it to fit your story and make up new concepts branching from the main idea of soulmates.

i think this is the longest work i’ve made?? i’m definitely pretty proud of it!! i hope my hard work paid off and you all enjoy it :)

ALSO: a very quick note. i use the word “furoshiki” a few times in one part of the story to refer to the cloth that people use to wrap bento boxes. if i misused that term please let me know!! i looked it up to make sure i was using the right word but there’s definitely still a chance that i could be wrong. feel free to correct me on that!!

by the way: i’m posting this from my phone right now so the formatting might not all be there. i’m very sorry about that!! once i get the chance to go back on my laptop i’ll make sure to fix everything :)

happy reading !!)

☾.:°∗★.:☆:.★∗°:.☽

It was common knowledge among those in the Shiratorizawa Volleyball Club that their captain, Ushijima Wakatoshi, prioritized volleyball over nearly everything else.

Even relationships. Even soulmates.

His friend Tendou had laughed mirthlessly when Ushijima first met you, his soulmate. He was there to witness the whole thing, your eyes flitting between the ace’s soulmark trailed beautifully against his wrist and the same mark mirrored on your forearm. You looked enthused to meet him--not overly, hopping-off-the-walls ecstatic, but certainly hopeful enough to elicit a wide smile from you.

“I’m [Last] [First],” you introduced yourself politely, with light hesitance and an extended hand.

Ushijima blinked, looked down at your hand (soft, a red and scabbed cut on your first knuckle, a birthmark on the bony part of your wrist) and then back up at your eyes. He returned the gesture, shaking your hand, giving a polite bow--

--and walking right away.

You blinked in shock. Tendou’s mouth parted in disbelief. His head swung back and he called after Ushijima to no avail. Turning back to you, he gave a short apology and ran after his friend to scold (and tease) him.

Your mind went a bit hazy and in a natural defense mechanism, you tried to convince yourself that you were just dreaming.

You went home. Fell into your bed. Realized you were not dreaming. Cried into your pillow and fell asleep, begrudgingly waking up the next morning and getting ready for school.

---

During lunch, you stayed in your classroom to eat lunch alone when someone at the door told you a boy was looking for you. (You felt a bit pathetic for hoping that it was your soulmate and being disappointed when you realized it was not him.)

You recognized the boy as the redhead that accompanied your soulmate yesterday. Flinching at the memory, you asked him why he was here.

“I just wanted to say sorry, for the way my friend acted yesterday.” His expression was lighthearted and playful, if anything, but you recognized the sincerity of his words. “He tends to be a little… aloof, sometimes. But I promise you it’s not that he hates you or anything, just isn’t used to this. But he’s willing to talk to you again.”

You tried not to get your hopes up too much, and instead look at the reasonable outcomes of this whole soulmate thing. It’s not like you were really expecting love at first sight--lots of soulmates didn’t end up in a romantic relationship. Hell, your parents weren’t even soulmates but they were still very in love with each other. But at the very least, you thought your soulmate wouldn’t just walk away after meeting you.

You took the redhead’s offer, packed up your half-eaten bento, and followed him to his own classroom a few doors down.

Your soulmate was there--you still didn’t know his name--and his head perked up at the sound of the sliding door opening. His expression was stagnant, which dampered your spirits the slightest bit and made you consider spinning on your heel and locking yourself in the bathroom for the rest of the school day.

You sat with the two of them, knees clenched together and gaze focused solely on the bento box resting on your lap. None of you spoke. Tendou’s eyes flitted between the both of you in expectance.

“So,” he spoke up, thankfully breaking the bout of stifling silence. “[Name], you wanna tell us a little about yourself? We don't really know much about you outside of… the very little we learned yesterday, so…?”

Your mouth gaped and closed rapidly, trying to find a good way to describe yourself without either seeming like an interviewee or a self-absorbed rando.

“I’m… [Name]. I’m seventeen… in class one. I’m in the photography club.” There wasn’t much else to say, you thought. You were a very normal person. Maybe too normal to really be worthy of having a close bond with your soulmate, but a small part of you still sort of hoped.

“Wakatoshi, your turn.”

The taller boy blinked into his bento (hayashi rice, you noted. Something you were able to cook, if you tried hard enough) before speaking. His voice was deep and embarrassingly, you flushed at the way it rumbled within his throat.

“I’m the captain of the volleyball team.”

Okay. So. No age. No name (except for ‘Wakatoshi,’ which you only pulled from what Tendou said). Just his club.

With a lump in your throat and a prickly feeling behind your eyes, you excused yourself politely, bowing, and clutching tightly to your star-wrapped bento before leaving the classroom.

You went home. Punched your pillow before realizing you were definitely not one for using aggression as a coping mechanism and instead crying while making a cup of tea. Went to bed and woke up the next morning trying to forget all of the events of the past two days.

---

A week passed. Somewhere within that time, Tendou had exchanged numbers with you as a polite formality, a deeper meaning ingrained in his offer (one that you read as, “hey, I know it must be really disappointing to realize that your soulmate has absolutely no clue what romance is and no ambition for anything but hitting a volleyball, but if you ever wanna talk about it then hit me up!” You couldn’t deny that you still appreciated it).

You took the week to avoid interacting with Wa-ka-to-shi, never texting Tendou and asking to eat lunch with them or even showing up at his practice like some of their fans did (you were a bit surprised to learn that the volleyball team had fans). But you had a breaking point, as you often did whenever it came to your faux-shunning.

You texted Tendou, hoping that you weren’t that unlucky that he was still at volleyball practice and had his phone out for the captain to view.

does he like hayashi rice?

“Read” appeared under your text. You waited for the three dots to appear, which took an unnervingly long time to happen.

yup! how’d u know??

he was eating it when i had lunch with you guys.

ur observant!!

i guess. do you guys have morning practice tomorrow?

yup! starts at 7. fourth gym :) see you there!!

You paused. Tendou was nice. Also very observant. Scarily observant, enough to catch onto what you were trying to do. It made you a bit wary, but to be fair, you weren’t really being discreet in the first place.

Your mother asked you multiple times why you were cooking beef stew at nine PM, far past dinnertime. You were scared to admit that it was for a soulmate, so you instead settled for “friend” and she (very suspiciously) let you be in the kitchen.

You packed the food into four bento boxes. One for your mom, your dad, Wa-ka-to-shi, and you. (You couldn’t help the annunciation of each syllable of his name. It was just so fun to say, so fun to click against the back of your tongue repeatedly. You blamed the affinity for his name on your soulmate bond.)

You went to bed. Woke up extra early. Disregarded the concerned look your parents gave you when you left the house half an hour early with two bentos in hand.

Just as Tendou said, there was the squeaking of the volleyball team from within Gym Number Four. You hovered outside, a text sent to Tendou asking if you were allowed to come in as you awkwardly shifted the weight on your feet.

yup!! we’re taking a break right now. just come right in, i’ll be waiting for u at the door

He was waiting for you at the door, but so was Wakatoshi (you figured you should drop the somewhat-annoying pronunciation of each letter), which threw you into a stammering loop as you blinked between the both of them.

“Good morning.” Wakatoshi greeted you politely, nodding his head at you. You repeated the gesture before extending a bento box to him, with your favorite star cloth wrapping it in the neatest way you could manage.

“It’s for you. For lunch. Or dinner. Or whenever. It’s hay-- um, hayashi rice.”

Wakatoshi didn’t take it. You cringed at the lack of action and a familiar lump manifested in your throat. The stoic boy blinked down at the childish wrap and you found yourself wishing you took a solid colored furoshiki instead of this one.

In a moment of boldness, you shoved the box into his chest where he instinctively reached for it and held it.

“I hope you like it!” You said it louder than intended and flinched at the sudden gazes on you from the other members of the team further into the gym. “Have a good day.”

A polite bow, and you were on your way, cursing yourself for taking the effort to make a decent-quality meal for a soulmate, a boy who barely even glanced at you without his friend giving him the hint to do so.

During lunch, you didn’t feel hungry, and the bento sat untouched on your desk for the whole break. You ended up letting your parents have the leftovers when you got home. Your appetite was gone for the rest of the day.

(Tendou ended up bringing you back your box and cloth the next day, wordlessly apologizing for having to be the messenger of your belongings rather than the person you actually gifted it to in the first place. You took it back with a resigned sigh and a thankful smile.)

---

The morning you stopped by, Tendou rolled his eyes after your departure and he gave his friend a firm, but friendly pat on the back.

“Why are you so awkward, Wakatoshi? That’s your soulmate, you know. You could at least be a little courteous towards her?”

Said man stayed silent, still leering at the patterned furoshiki covering the lunch you made for him--specifically him; the concept sent an unfamiliar fluttering through his chest that he didn’t dare to look into.

“Why would she make this for me?”

Tendou rolled his eyes again, letting out an audible groan.

“I just explained it to you, ‘Toshi! She likes you. You’re her soulmate. You could at least tell her thank you.”

“I will, next time.”

Tendou’s eyes narrowed at that. You seemed like a spontaneous person, from the few interactions you’d had with each other. (That, and the fact that after a week of ghosting your own soulmate you suddenly decided to make an entirely specialized lunch for him.) He wanted to half-joke and say ‘I don’t really know when the next time will be, exactly,’ but figured that may lead into another Q & A With Ushijima Wakatoshi, and instead let the captain simmer in his own contemplation for now.

---

You didn’t know Semi Eita very well. He was in your class, and you chatted a fairly reasonable amount with him, even going as far as to sit and eat with him in the classroom whenever he claimed he was “too tired to deal with his friends in the cafeteria.” As much of a “friend” of his you could be considered, you didn’t know much of him past what he was on the surface.

Nevertheless, you still knew him better than your soulmate. And that petty realization may have contributed to why you accepted his offer for a cafe date.

Semi approached you during lunch one day, not embarrassed in the slightest when he asked you if you wanted to go to a new cafe with him on Friday. “It can be a date, if you want,” he’d told you, eyes flitting to the side momentarily before meeting yours again. “But it doesn't have to be. We can just hang out.”

A bit flustered, you still accepted his offer, figuring a day out wouldn’t do much harm. He smiled at your response, asking you to meet him at his gym after his volleyball practice ended.

You didn’t think much of it. He certainly didn’t pressure you into assuming it was a date, and if you didn’t like it then you could just turn him down for a second date and move on with your single life.

On Friday afternoon, at five PM like he specified over text, you walked into the doorway of the gym, hovering and watching some of the boys clean up any spare equipment left in the gym. You couldn’t spot Semi anywhere, and moved to back away from the door when a familiar voice stopped you.

“[Name].” The sound of your first name coming from the rumble of your voice unwillingly sent shivers through your spine and you chastised yourself for the reaction.

You looked at him, and there he was--sweaty, all dark-hair and olive-eyes and you hated how flustered you got.

You gave him a polite nod and forced your lips into a smile. Despite you not responding verbally, he (uncharacteristically) led the conversation.

“It’s nice to see you here.” The words felt forced, almost rehearsed on his lips, and you couldn’t help the cock of your head in curiosity at that. “The food you made me last time was very good.” A pause, and his eyes turned to the polish wood floor. “Are you here to bring another gift?”

Wakatoshi was straightforward with his question, and at the unfamiliar aloofness you found your ears turning warm and fingers grasping at each other in habit.

“No, um-- I’m actually here to see… someone.”

“...someone?”

“Yeah. Someone.” You didn’t feel like elaborating, and by some sheer luck that you mentally praised the gods for, Semi jogged to your side, changed into his school uniform and a kind smile crossing his face.

“Hey.” He greeted you, turning up to his captain in confusion before focusing on you again. “Ready to go?”

Your eyes were forced off of Wakatoshi’s, and you returned Semi’s expression with a nod. You refused to look the captain in his eyes again, and instead focused on making sure you didn’t trip on the sidewalk while walking with Semi.

---

The date-- hang out-- outing-- whatever you wanted to call it went nicely. You both had pleasant, lighthearted, not-forced conversation over very good coffee and you found it enjoyable.

By the end of the night, while Semi walked you back home, you figured you had to address what you were a bit nervous to address in the first place. After explaining your hesitancy towards calling your hang-outs “dates,” Semi ultimately brushed it off, a smile on his face as he told you he really didn’t care too much and would enjoy just being a friend to you.

You were relieved. A quiet voice deep inside your head told you to not let this poor boy get hopeful when you were still trying to settle things with (read: get over) your soulmate. Regardless of secondhand reasoning, you were thankful he was understanding and also thankful he was willing to be a friend.

---

You found yourself eating lunch with Semi a bit more often than before. It was nice to have someone else’s presence near you while you ate rather than having to sit alone and people-watch through the window of the classroom.

You were startled when Wakatoshi appeared in the doorway of your classroom while in the midst of a conversation with Semi. Noticing your mildly dumbfounded expression, Semi turned around to see where you were looking and looked confusedly at the form of his fellow teammate.

Wakatoshi nodded at him, turned to you, and gave a wave and a very, very subtle upturn of his lips. (Despite the subtlety of the gesture, you had to suppress a gasp that threatened to break past the back of your throat.)

He didn’t make a move to approach you, so you took the opportunity to walk up to him and meet him at the door, unintentionally avoiding the questions Semi shot at you in confusion.

“Hi,” you greeted stiffly. “Do you need something?”

“No. Yes.” Wakatoshi paused, collecting his thoughts. “I was wondering if you wanted to eat lunch with me.”

It was an unexpected offer, one you deemed uncharacteristic coming from the aloof boy. You let your mind overprocess it before cutting off your overthinking and giving him a proper response.

“I’m eating lunch with Semi today. But maybe tomorrow, if you still want to.”

A foreign look of confusion appeared on his face, his brows furrowed together and head tilting slightly to the side. “Are you dating Semi?”

Wow. Okay. Very straightforward. Very sudden. You certainly were not dating Semi, and you didn’t know how he managed to draw that conclusion after seeing you and Semi interact a total of two times in his presence.

“I’m not…? Why are you so worried about that?”

“Because we’re soulmates.”

Your stomach churned in a mix of emotions. You didn’t know how to describe your feelings--it was an ugly mesh of annoyed, angry, confused, and on-the-verge-of-tears. You found it a bit funny that only now he was acknowledging your soulmate bond. It made the prickling sensation behind your eyes only increase in intensity.

“Right. Um, you… you didn’t really do much about that before.” You tried not to call out word-for-word what he did, but figured a jab at it wouldn’t send you into guiltily reflecting on your past actions while in the shower at midnight.

He was silent, avoiding your gaze and finding interest in the cracked wood of the door. Before your subconscious forced you to apologize, you gave a polite farewell and slid the door halfway shut before returning to your seat.

Semi stared at you incredulously. “Are you…?”

“I don’t know, man.” Despite the sudden lack of appetite (yet again! You really were not good at any form of confrontation), you forced yourself to nibble on your food and pushed down the uncomfortable feeling in your stomach.

---

Wakatoshi made a point to run into at any time he saw fit, which was very often. He’d find ways to catch you in the morning and say hi, and always invited you to eat lunch with him in his classroom. Out of courtesy, you often accepted his offer, feeling a bit surprised (and wary) when Tendou didn’t appear to accompany the both of you. Those lunch periods were spent in jarring silence, Wakatoshi slowly eating his food (cutely, you noted before burning that thought into the fiery recesses of hell in your mind) and you eating yours while sweating and hoping that you didn’t look weird when you chewed.

This routine kept going on for a solid week. You didn’t know what to expect anymore. Other than the lunch invitations and morning small talk, he didn’t make any outstanding gestures towards you to try to get closer. You didn’t know if that was good or bad.

One day, during lunch when you’d hesitantly accepted yet another offer to eat with him (ignoring Semi’s teasing look when you left the classroom), he made another strange offer, diverting from the usual discussions of weather, clubs, and schoolwork.

“I have a game soon.” He started off. “I’d like you to come watch.”

You paused, staring into your rice in an empty hope that it’d give you a clue on how to respond.

“It’s on Saturday. At twelve. The gymnasium isn’t too far from here. I’d like to take you to dinner afterwards.”

Oh. Oh. That was unexpected. And you were expecting the unexpected. Then again, maybe you should’ve figured that eventually he may have made some sort of move after waiting a week with bated breath.

Your lips parted, but no noise escaped. You wanted to accept, definitely, but you also wanted to be a little aware of his intentions.

“Um…” You floundered a little bit, “I’ll see if I can make it. But… um, dinner?”

“Yes.” Though his voice was steady and deep as always, you sensed hesitance in the way his eyes shifted away from yours and into his lunch. “A date.”

It was a relief to hear him just say it rather than beating around the bush. You cleared your throat in habit and scratched the skin of your thumb.

“Oh. Okay. That would… be nice.”

He smiled. It wasn’t the occasional tilt of his lips, it was a smile. Stretched lips, crinkled eyes and all. You lost your breath at the sight and a soundless laugh escaped your lips.

“Yes. I think so too.”

It was a slow start. It would take some getting used to. But you were both willing to guide each other, slow and steady.

[alaskatalks]

Abuse in the Youtube Vlogging Community — My Experiences

Note 07/07/2021: My original posting was removed by unknown so this will now live here. Please be aware of the content warnings.

Apr 26·14 min read

2012–2018

CW Mention of; Suicide, Assault, Blood, Rape, Deceased Person(s)/‘Suicide Forest Video’

I’m writing this statement to not only provide background on the toxic and abusive culture of the community at the time but to support the multiple other people who have recently come forward detailing abuse from within the UK vlogging Youtube community, and to finally talk about these incidents publicly after carrying them for so long alone.

As I am writing this, one of those mentioned has contacted several mutual acquaintances to stop me from sharing my own story to those people privately,then when they and I didn’t, this person quickly began to smear my name. Because of this I want to begin with some basic background and thoughts which will be most likely be used/twisted in the coming days/weeks by those I mention.

I will only be discussing physically abusive events I was personally privy to but to keep this specific I will be omitting the many micro and macro-aggressions I experienced as usually the only black mixed/non-white and working-class individual in the room/group. It was clear to me quickly that if you were an “other” in certain ways, you’d be open to mockery, namely also if you were working class or lacking financially, I’d heard Chris repeatedly make remarks and mean comments behind the backs of his own guests/friends at various events and parties in his own home in addition to others making similar comments. Because I appeared white passing that time especially; I made my heritage/ethnicity explicitly clear when it first began as a failed attempt to minimize racial remarks around me and then from then on, kept my private life private from many in the group. I learned quickly to ignore a lot directed at me — as I was younger and possessed no media industry contacts or clout/followers at the time, I had to accept my place in this kind of mostly elitist clique/working environment as the only way to continue working with the people I looked up to.

I met everyone personally and got into the community when I was 16/17 after being a fan for many years, contacting CB via post and then emailing him, I wanted to get into television eventually and thought working with YouTube vloggers I looked up to would be a great first step in that direction. Everything detailed below I had previously tried to discuss with those involved privately, but was unsupported and thrown away both professionally and personally.

Rachel

I want to talk briefly about Rachel as I was around just before she joined the general group so was witness to a lot of things. I have spoken to Rachel privately but want to share the frustration and bitterness I feel and felt publicly. Please read her statement via twitter for their story. (In addition to addressing the dangerously hypercritical individuals I have seen crawling out of the woodwork to send her empty public displays of ‘support’ whilst in the past they contributed heavily to the environment which fostered abuse or carried it out themselves.)

The first few times I met Rachel it was at different pubs, and so I had always assumed that she was at least 18 on joining the general group, I was also told (unprompted) about her familial connections within the media/television industry — something that I now believe contributed to many of the youtubers mentioned overlooking basic welfare issues and red flags, and instead thinking of furthering their careers. I spent close to a year trying to help as I could see certain red flags in her ‘relationship’ with JSL, him struggling very heavily and publicly with alcoholism at the time, and Rachel seemingly struggling also. I made my concerns known repeatedly because I was worried, having myself suffered from various abuse from a young age I instinctively wanted to help.

However, close friends of Rachel herself and others, namely Bown, sent me the repeated and clear message that I was “in the way”, this was a message Bown kept telling me once he was living with JSL, who I had begun seeing months prior to Rachel meeting him. I was told by them that my concern was only jealousy and experienced an abundance of side eyes, verbal abuse, bad mouthing, and gossip — I was just a ‘jealous bitch’ in many eyes. (This all despite me being polyamorous with my primary partner from before dating JSL to this current day) I continued to help Rachel whenever I saw her in person before ending things with JSL and distancing myself because not only was I incredibly uncomfortable dating someone who was in a unhealthy situation, but I was very selfishly fed up receiving so much hate when I did speak my mind on the subject. In hindsight, especially after finding out recently that Bown was aware of Rachel’s age, I wish I’d have stuck around.

Rachel is incredible and I hope the following can contribute in some way to validating all those who were victimized by these same people in addition to others with similar stories. For Rachel’s full statement please read it on her Twitter in its entirety @rachelkiki_

MT

Beginning with MT, I had been a huge fan of The Man Time Podcast and The Fratocrats for years before so on meeting him at a party for the first time at C.B’s place, I was excited to talk to him, however, as soon as he found out I had a partner (literally the first thing he asked/said to me after hello) he walked away from me and didn’t interact with me in any way for the rest of the party. A few months later when I was single we slept together for the first time, halfway through he held my wrists down suddenly and just as I thought he was going to kiss me he instead spat in my mouth. I did not ask for, nor want this and reacted as negatively as you’d expect, then feeling incredibly uncomfortable made some excuses and tried to stop things physically.

It was a little while later I found out that he had spoken to a group of very popular youtubers, one of whom was Tom. I found out that not only did MT “report back” to these youtubers detailing a story about how we had had sex and I was in fact, horrendous at it, but hearing about it from C.B. in the form of the question whilst he smiled jokingly “Is this true?” was not only super inappropriate but humiliating.

These were people I had looked up to for years and really wanted to work within the future, but now that seemed like it wouldn’t happen, especially if I ‘made a fuss’. MT wanted to meet up with me at a later point (once I’d confronted him repeatedly afterwards) though when we met it was clear he just wanted to have more sex and the half assed ‘apology’ was more tokenistic. He was sorry “If” anything he did upset me. Because of my own previous trauma (and low self-esteem admittedly) I thought the only way to redeem my reputation would be to continue to see him — I thought if others knew or saw us flirting casually even, it would negate his rumors. This obviously didn’t help and the damage had been done.

Tom*

Shortly after that, whilst on a work trip with CB and others, Tom approached me at a bar and asked me for a photo, I thought it was odd but perhaps he was just being friendly. I was a big fan of Eddsworld so I was okay with it, he took a photo of us both, making sure I smiled and then sent it to MT who was sitting a few tables away in our group as a further way to humiliate me. I spoke about it with some of the others privately after being laughed at, who seemed used to that kind of behavior. I just needed to get used to it and/or “lighten up” so I tried to remain professional and focused, though it seemed more and more like certain people viewed me as disposable entertainment almost, rather than a person.

*I do want to note, as of writing this today, Tom is the only person to reach out to genuinely apologise, which I highly appreciate.

Bown

I could fill multiple pages with the amount of racial charged, sexist and abusive things Bown has done and/or said to me, for example, he berated me the day I got my first big television job, calling me stupid, useless and implying I was only hired because of my ethnicity. He almost always sent his hate via text or instant messaging, I mention that because he commonly expressed all his negativity behind a screen, then in person, he would do a lot of gaslighting. When drunk at his worst, his understanding of the word no became non-existent when I would repeatedly ask not to be touched or requested space.

On one occasion when I had made clear it was a platonic hang, we were watching a film when he suddenly reached over and pressed his fingers into my breasts. I felt instantly violated, I froze for a few seconds and then pulled my shirt up to cover more of my chest/create a visual barrier. I said don’t/stop and continued watching the film. In shock — we weren’t even touching or hugging before- that but he nonetheless did it again and laughed as if it was some kind of game. I made it very clear I was not interested and did not like what he had done. This repeated when he was drunk and said he wanted to apologise, it was at a party which wasn’t the time nor place for that kind of conversation, then, with me saying so then no multiple times, he kept grabbing my waist, then arms and shoulders, refusing to give me the space I was requesting.

CB

There was a lot of disrespect and ugliness I experienced from my first experience ‘working’ (unpaid at first and then at or under minimum wage afterwards) to present but again, I’m only discussing the physical stuff. The first physical time he hurt me was when on tour sharing a room (due to a lack of space as we were out of London) I was sharing with JSL on the floor and Bing had the bed alone. I was awoken in the early hours of the morning to a small piece of metal (which turned out to be a zip as I recall) from a pillow, hitting me hard. I was confused and so thought it was an accident — I assumed the pillow had fallen off the bed by mistake so reached over and put it back on Bing’s bed before going back to sleep. I was then awoken repeatedly by Bing’s hand hitting me in my face hard and repeatedly, though I tried to turn around with my back to him, I then experienced the same but on the back of my head, and my hair being pulled. He had thought the very loud snoring which was waking him up was me, but it was in fact JSL (most who have lived with him or slept in close corners knows he can be a snorer) the next morning I woke having a panic attack which I dealt with before asking him why he did that as it really hurt, he replied that I was snoring but when I told him of the mistake he just looked at me funnily and that was that. No apology ever appeared.

The worst experience I had with him was at his house during a party; it was winding down and I could sense him rushing people out the room in a hushed tone; I was looking at his bookcase, filled with cd’s at the time. On hearing the hushed tones I could sense something was wrong/odd and looked around to find myself suddenly alone in his room. I said a quick sorry, that I didn’t realise and will go join everyone else upstairs if he wants to sleep, he said it was no problem and I should have a drink before bed with him. I was content looking at the cds and before I could answer he brought me a cup and poured out a drink for me (clearly over pouring). I had just eyed a specific CD from my all-time favourite band (they were very niche at the time) and exclaimed in joy before showing it to him, he responded that a fan had sent it to him, I laughed because I was that fan, I had included the CD in a fan letter I sent to him years back. He was giving me a really odd look and then as I said ‘anyway,’ laughing in that british ‘I should get going’ kind of way.

He grabbed the CD before putting it on and pulling me towards the bed. We were sitting side by side and as soon as he grabbed me towards the bed I gave a nervous laugh saying something along the lines of ‘no, I don’t’ when he interrupted me to say it’s all fine, just one song and I need to drink, pushing my cup up which I’d been holding with both hands motionlessly since he gave it to me. As soon as I took a sip, he put his hand on my waist, I kept protesting as he pushed more towards then against me and repeated things like “It’s no big deal” and “It will be fast” ignoring my physical resistance and me audibly saying I did not want to. He placed his hand on mine and pulled it towards his groin area — this was when I finally stopped freezing and pulled away forcibly, I then sat up off the bed and made a beeline for the door — apologizing as I went. As soon as I was on the other side of the door I burst out crying and having a severe panic attack, I muffled the noise and went upstairs where I knew others were sleeping before I couldn’t keep quiet. I cannot remember who else was upstairs but there were multiple people (at least 5) sleeping in various places, I woke up quite a few before being calmed down and going to sleep. He hired me one last time after that as a producer.

H H S

H.H.S is the long time editor of the Paul brothers, he’s worked with many large youtubers and was one of (if not the main) editor of now notorious Logan Paul’s “Suicide Forest Video”,– the following happened around that time for context and is one of the biggest catalysts in my completely giving up on working within the YouTube vlogging sphere. H.H.S had been lightly dragged on his Facebook by friends on a post where he apologized for the Logan Paul video he responded with a fundraiser event post (both this, and the fundraiser have since been deleted) the fundraiser itself was to a suicide prevention charity, although he created it, he hadn’t and didn’t invite anyone directly to it — in hindsight, it’s clear it was just lazy personal pr. I had my own mental health and neurological episode and had attempted to take my own life a little before, so I had created an event with friends to celebrate being alive and beginning new/better things. Not many could come on short notice, though H.H.S was the first (and only) person to click ‘attending’ on the event page, which he did very quickly once I sent out invites.

He never was overly kind or supportive emotionally, so I thought that because of the amount of mutual colleagues, close friends and vloggers invited he would look very crass not to come. I was upset that many couldn’t make it and drank far too much, though I could Just about walk by the time we left the bar — the last 4 of us decided to head back to H.H.S to drink and hang out more as a group. I was meant to text my friend and her partner the address whilst they went home quickly to grab a coat as they lived nearish. H.H.S helped me into the cab and we made our way to his place, it’s then he put his hand behind the seat and began touching my leg. I thought he had a partner at the time and so was confused as he mentioned her earlier in the night, I asked him about this roughly over drinks at his house (which he poured himself) and he said it was fine, I accepted this as I was very drunk by this time and being ethically non-monogamous at the time; I assumed naively that they talked before this. I don’t remember what happened after this until later, I know that I was so drunk I completely forgot to ask H.H.S again for the address, let alone that I had to contact my friend at all.

I remember roughly that things seemed to me above board, but then I experienced a huge amount of pain as he had pushed me onto my front and put his entire weight onto me, I started to say stop, and no as he put more weight onto me and was trying to enter me anally. I told him to stop and that it hurt (he had done this before to me but stopped after a few seconds of me saying no and we discussed how it wasn’t okay with me especially without prior consent so I didn’t expect this). He then put his weight further on me so I was prone and continued for several minutes, I managed to move my body so it wouldn’t hurt as much, though by this point I was stuck under his weight and could barely breathe. Once he had “finished” he got off of me and said something about how this was a good “purge” for him but he loves his girlfriend and so should sleep in the living room. I was in total shock as he just exited the room.

I had no way of getting home by myself and triggered , drunk and confused I went to sleep. I woke up to H.H.S typing away on his computer next to my bed and I shouted “bucket” multiple times so he ran and got me one which I then projectile vomited into. I apologized and went to the bathroom to continue throwing up before heading back to his bedroom to find my things and get home. As I was doing this I asked about the video, he wasn’t talking otherwise and I was extremely uncomfortable trying to hold back a panic attack and further barfing. I waited for my taxi to come as he confirmed everything about the video that I had expected, he boasted about being the main editor of that video, how it was his idea to blur the body, how they wanted more views and they (him and Logan Paul) obviously didn’t care genuinely for anything to do with suicide prevention — this was after excusing various racist acts and remarks made by Logan.

H.H.S didn’t contact me for a full week after this incident, when I got home I discovered I was bleeding from his forced entry, and went into another panic attack. I tried to contact Bing, who had introduced me to him in the first place, when I was met with a barrage of blame. He told me a lot of things like ‘What did you expect?’, ‘That’s on you’ and on me beginning to cry and get emotional, he quickly started to distance himself saying that we aren’t “really friends” anymore, and further slut shaming. I wanted help and was rejected, not only by him but the few others also who I contacted. I figured if my friends would not help me, why would the Police believe me?

I reached out to H.H.S privately but was ignored, he read my messages but did not respond, though remained friends with me on facebook. He now has his own channel with 134k subscribers and won a Streamy Award for his editing work with Logan Paul. If you’ve read all of this, thank you sincerely. I’ve carried this for far too long alone, every time I heard of the people involved and even the Paul brothers names, things just came rushing back violently. After being rejected by so many I believed to be my friends, I decided I shouldn’t come out publicly at the time as I thought no one would believe me, that in addition to the fact that I valued the content they created to such a vast degree that I thought it more important to keep quiet.

Thanks to a sadly long list of brave people, I now know that I matter and so does my voice. I hope that with this, I can finally begin to let all these incidents go and know I appreciate every single person who has been an ally and/or spoke their own truths.

#MeToo #BlackLivesMatter #StopAisanHate

Alaska Harrison

[thequeendesi]

Take A Bow

Title: Take A Bow

Warnings: swearing, cheating, mentions of sex and alcohol ( just a mention ), baby

Pairings: N/A

AU: Grown Up

Disclaimer: i dont own you or the Twilight Saga franchise, i do own the writing.

Rating: PG-13

A/N: Im thinking of making a part 2! If i should lemme know! Also let me know who should be the true love!!

Part2

….

You let out a dry laugh as the scene unfolded in front of you. Now, him doing this to you, didn't surprise you. Hell, Paul was one of the more popular boys in college. Fraternities, parties, alcohol and sex seemed to be the one thing he was known for. When you two first met he totally posed as a good person. However after a couple years, a house and a baby on the way in the up and coming weeks he definitely seemed to have started to drift.

Oh, how about a round of applause, yeah

Standing ovation

Oh, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

"Don't leave! We can talk this out!" Paul chased after you, throwing on his robe. "Talk what out Paul?" You scoffed, throwing a couple of shirts into a bag. "I didn't mean it!" He huffed. "Oh, so you didn't mean to shove your dick repeatedly in her or…?" You looked at him. "If you leave we will never be able to fix this!" He said, exasperated. "Maybe I don't want to fix this."

You look so dumb right now

Standing outside my house

Trying to apologize

You're so ugly when you cry

Please, just cut it out

You tossed your phone onto the old bed. It was yours when you were 16… however you were far from 16. "Paul's outside." Your dad, Charlie, walked into the room. "Of course he is.." You scoffed. "Do you want to see him?" Charlie asked, scratching the back of his neck. Paul moved to where your window was, waving his arms around. You growled to yourself, as you opened the window. "I don't want to see you Paul! We can discuss anything but the child, but it's over between you and me!"

Don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not

Baby, when I know you're only sorry you got caught

"Does Paul keep texting you?" Bella asked. "I only answer about the kid." You shrugged, sitting on the Cullen's couch. "Are you and the dog finally done-zo?" Rosalie asked, walking into the room. "'Fraid so." You said softly, pushing your hair from your face. "Least you'll get something out of the relationship." Rosalie said, a sour attempt at trying to make you feel better, but an attempt none the least.

But you put on quite a show

Really had me going

But now it's time to go

Curtain's finally closing

That was quite a show

Very entertaining

But it's over now (but it's over now)

Go on and take a bow

"I really feel bad crashing here." You sighed, however Esme hushed you quick, handing you a sandwich. "Nonsense. You're a sweet girl and we want to help anyway we can." You smiled as you took the sandwich. "You look like you haven't slept a wink." Esme said in a worried tone as she moved behind you to fix your hair into a clean ponytail. "I really haven't." You sighed as you ate some of the sandwich. "Do you have anything for us to do?" Emmett asked, walking over with Jasper. "I still need to grab clothes from the house." You finished the sandwich. "Say less."

Grab your clothes and get gone (get gone)

You better hurry up

Before the sprinklers come on (come on)

Talking' bout'

"Girl, I love you, you're the one."

This just looks like a re-run

Please, what else is on (on)

"Open up, Paul!" Emmett knocked on the door. "What do you need?" The tanned man asked, opening the door. Disheveled and shirtless. "We were sent to get clothes." Jasper said, pushing past Paul, up to the bedroom, completely ignoring the naked woman on the bed. "You never learn do you?" Emmett rose an eyebrow, grabbing a suitcase as they packed it full of clothes. "It's hard to keep your hands off of your real mate. You'd know Emmett." Paul said.

Don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not

Baby, when I know you're only sorry you got caught

"Real mate..." You repeated what Jasper said. "I wasn't... you mean… oh my god." You let out a choked sob as you sat on the floor. "Emotions…" Jasper nudged Emmett as they walked out of the room backwards. "Oh dear..." Alice sighed, walking into the room, sitting on her knees next to you. "I assume you've found out something?" She asked, pushing stray hairs from your face. "He didn't love me." You said, the tears streaming down your face.

But you put on quite a show

Really had me going

But now it's time to go

Curtain's finally closing

That was quite a show

Very entertaining

But it's over now (but it's over now)

Go on and take a bow

You leaned your back against the cold wall as you looked forward. "You gonna get out of bed today?" Bella asked, sitting next to you onto the plush bed. "I gotta... I got work." You sighed. "Do you think I'll find my forever?" You asked, halfheartedly. "I think anyone can." She half-smiled at you. "Now you're dead- well, undead, with a husband for life and a daughter. I got a son with no one." You looked at your stomach.

Oh, and the award

For the "Best Liar" goes to you

(goes to you)

For making me believe

That you could be

Faithful to me

Let's hear your speech

"Please. Just hear me out. I couldn't control myself." Paul walked behind you as you walked through the isles of the store. "You slept with her and didn't even have the decency to tell me... for weeks this went on and I can't believe that you had Seth cover for you!" You kept a hushed tone as you turned your back towards him, putting a pack of newborn diapers in the cart. "I can't help that I don't love you the way I love her!" He shouted in the middle of the aisle. "I hate you." You said lowly, pushing the cart to the register.

How about a round of applause

A standing ovation

You sighed. "Thank you guys." You said, sitting on the bed. "No problem. We made the same one for Renesmee when she was born." Carlisle smiled fondly at you as he stood up. "I really appreciate you letting me stay here." You said. "You don't have to thank us. We love having you around. You're good people." He nodded at you. "Carlisle… do you think everything will be alright?" You asked, looking at him. "I know it will be."

But you put on quite a show

Really had me going

Now it's time to go

Curtain's finally closing

That was quite a show

Very entertaining

But it's over now (but it's over now)

Go on and take a bow

But it's over now

[blazedgraysons]

Killing Me Softly

The one where Grayson falls in love in under 12 hours

A/N: Here’s another fic inspired by literally nothing. I am pretty proud of this one though. To all the people who said nice things about Drunk Off You, just know that I read every single one of them and you own my heart and soul. Also, I know literally no one knows who I am but feel free to send asks or messages. I pinky promise to respond. ♡

Word Count: 1.7K

Pairing: Grayson Dolan x OC (Harlow)

Warnings: nothing really, it’s pretty tame minus a lil angst towards the end. 

“Are you B29?”

Harlow removes an earbud, looking up to meet big brown eyes staring back at her. It’s hard not to notice the rest of the man standing in the aisle.

Brown hair flops over his forehead as she moves her eyes down to appreciate the soft scuff lining his chin - not quite a beard, but not quite stubble. He’s dressed casually in a gym shirt that outlines every single bulging muscle paired with grey sweatpants and some Louis Vuitton slides. She nods slightly to his question, hoping the adonis of a man doesn’t notice that slight blush that’s appeared on her face. He offers her a gracious smile and effortlessly slings his carry-on into the overhead cabin.

“Looks like we’re neighbors then.” Harlow hums in acknowledgment, not sure why he’s so friendly. Most passengers would’ve just grabbed their seat and slept or occupied themselves, but this man intends on making himself known.

He slides into the neighboring seat, and Harlow is instantly overwhelmed. If she thought he looked good from afar, up close was even better. Here she could appreciate all the minute details — the dark mole on his chin, the expensive cologne, the 333 tattoo behind his ear. It took everything in her not to stare, so instead, she settles for quick glances hoping he would be too occupied by his phone to pay her any attention. If he did notice, he spared Harlow further embarrassment by not saying anything. She turns back to her magazine, a random Vogue issue she picked up in the airport convenience store to pass the time, mentally telling herself to calm down in order to get through the next three hours.

“ I’m Grayson, by the way. Just in case we crash, and you need to identify me.” He jokes, smiling widely and — oh shit, does he have a diamond in his tooth? Harlow is so screwed. 

—-

Grayson’s never been a big believer in fate until now. The idea of some external force dictating a situation in your life just seemed like bullshit. Yet, Grayson couldn’t describe meeting Harlow as anything else.

He had been irritated all the way up to that point. An overbooked plane forced him off his original flight and away from his twin brother. Ethan had offered to go with him, but Grayson didn’t see a point in delaying their trip even further and told him he’d meet him in Jersey. While the airline was over apologetic and gave him (terrible) perks, in order to make the next flight, he had to sacrifice his first-class seat for an economy red-eye flight. But at least he had a shitty hot towel to make up for it.

He scowled all the way through the check-in and tarmac, vowing to never fly with JetBlue again as he passed the first-class seats that he couldn’t help but stubbornly think, ‘That should be mine.’

It wasn’t until he reached his row that he realized what he thought was a hindrance was actually a blessing. Because there sitting in the seat next to him was a beauty that could only be described as ethereal. Her long, dark hair tumbles in tight coils down her shoulders as she sits crossed-leg, hunched over a magazine, biting her lip in furrowed concentration. She bobs her head slightly to whatever song she’s listening to as she quickly flips through the pages. She tucks her hair behind her shoulder, revealing blemished copper skin that reflects the light.

A small voice in his head (that suspiciously sounds like Ethan) tells him to stop being weird and talk to her. Before he can justify themillion reasons why he shouldn’t, an annoying cough comes from the lady behind him.

He turns around to glare at her a little and asks the mystery girl her seat number with a smile that he hopes comes off as charming and not predatory.

And fuck, he knows she has to be a blessing because she looks like she was sent straight from the gates of heaven to Grayson’s heart. Ironically, the plane’s fluorescent lights form a halo around her head (‘Or maybe you’re finally losing it.’ Ethan's voice tells him.) He blinks, once, twice, three times before realizing that the girl in front of him isn’t a sleep-deprived hallucination and is actually real. He tries to act unaffected by the slow once-over her round, onyx eyes give him. Still, when he notices her eyes lingering on his chest and thighs, he swallows hard before throwing his suitcase into the overhead and sitting down. 

The grumpy lady behind him gives him a look as she moves down the aisle, and he whips out his phone for a welcomed distraction. The girl, unaware of the havoc she was wreaking on Grayson’s mind and body, continues to sneak looks at him that were a little too obvious for Grayson to not notice. He debates whether or not to ask for her name until she turns back to her magazine and Grayson figures that she doesn’t want to be bothered anymore. It wasn’t until the voice in his head repeatedly calls him a pussy (‘Shut up, Ethan’ he thinks back) that he introduces himself. And when her plump lips turn up into a smile, Grayson pretends to not notice how screwed he is. 

—-

Conversation flows smoothly between the two of them after that. Grayson explains the situation with his original flight and his plans to surprise his mom for mother’s day while Harlow talks about her little brother and the birthday party she helped plan for him this weekend. They talk for so long that their conversation turns from typical discussion to hushed whispers to not disturb the other sleeping passengers. They finally pause for a break when the beverage attendant stops at their row.

Harlow’s honestly glad for the lull in conversation as it gives her time to reflect over what she’s learned. Grayson appears to be very humble despite being heavily involved in the influencer scene in Los Angeles, something Harlow desperately tries to stay far away from herself. Also, despite being one of the hottest guys she’s ever seen, he seems to be so shy that it’s endearing. She notices he stumbles over words, getting so excited about their conversations that he trips himself up.

“So in LA, what do you do for fun? Any friends? Boyfriend?” He asks coolly, trying not to be obvious about his intentions (which makes it so much more apparent in Harlow’s eyes) as he drinks his diet root-beer.

“I work for a high- fashion company doing PR, so I’m always there. I have a couple close friends, but since I’m working so much, I haven’t had that much time for a relationship or finding a guy worth making time for.” Harlow sighs wistfully.

“Ah, that makes sense about the magazine.” He nods, trying to hide his excitement. This situation seems to be working more and more in his favor. “And what guy would be worth making time for?”

“I don’t know honestly. It just seems that all the guys I run into in LA are beyond superficial. All my dates have just been talking about how many followers they have on Instagram or TikTok and just end in hookups. While there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just hard when you want something more, you know?” She shrugs. And as much as Grayson hates to admit it, he does know. Hell, he’s probably been that guy once or twice in his younger years. Still, as he grows older, he craves the same things Harlow does: intimacy, connection, emotion. He takes another swallow of his drink before responding.

“Yeah, I mean hookups and one-night stands are great in the moment, but it’s hard when you just have love you want to give. It’s even harder now that my brother’s dating someone, ya know. Seeing someone you’re close with have what you want; it’s kinda hard not to be jealous.” He shares, hoping she relates and doesn’t think he’s weird for telling so much to someone he met a few hours earlier.

Harlow sits with that for a second before responding, “And what girl would you want to give your love to?” She whispers.

’Someone like you.’ Grayson thinks. But before he could make the bold confession, the plane announces its descent.

——

Grayson realizes almost immediately that he wasn’t paying that much attention to the flight details because the fact that there was a layover in Colorado flew over his head. He lets Harlow pass by him to stand in the aisle and grabs both his and her carry-on to take off the plane. As Grayson stands behind her (and tries not to stare at how incredible her ass looks in her leggings), he does what he’s best at: forming a game-plan. He realizes that a girl like Harlow is too good to let go. So, he figures he could grab a coffee with her, get her number, and plan a date for when they both are back in LA. He smiles, already thinking of the story he’ll get to tell Ethan when he gets to Jersey. As they both slowly move into the terminal, Harlow turns back to Grayson with a bright smile. He smiles back before asking —

“Do you want to get coffee?” He can’t help his heart from swelling as she bites her lip, a habit he notices she does a lot.

“Good, I thought you weren’t going to ask.” She laughs. “Wait here though, I have to run to the restroom.”

He nods, handing Harlow her carry-on. He sits down and pulls out his phone, already texting Ethan that he met his future soulmate.

Five minutes pass: He’s got the future planned out: the wedding, the kids, the farmland in Jersey and the tiny-home in Australia.

Ten minutes pass: He starts to get worried, but figures Harlow can handle herself.

Thirty minutes pass: He considers sending someone to the bathroom to check on her.

Two hours passed: He’s already cased the domestic airline terminal twice, looking for her dark curly hair. 

It’s not until the final call of flight 437-A to New Jersey that he understands: Harlow’s not coming back for him. And he can’t help it when his heart splits into two.

[write-it-good-imagines]

85% - Lim Jaebum (M)

@iwanttobejaebeomsslut asked and I provided! Hello everyone! This came as a request from our lovely aforementioned blog and I’m telling you, this was one helluva ride tho. Enough rambling, enjoy~

Synopsis: You have to give a full percentage of yourself in a relationship to make it work. Jaebum learns the hard way that any number below that is a certain cause of destruction.

Warnings: angst, smut, unprotected sex

~4.5k words

“Breaking up with someone is…yeah.”

You had just closed the door of the apartment, only to be welcomed by a small commotion coming from the kitchen. The lively sound of vegetables being diced and some indistinctive ingredients being boiled served for a false distraction from the fatigue starting to kick in. Although you had a refreshing night with your girl-friends, you had long forgotten how taxing it was to spend a full night out in the middle of the week. You kicked off your shoes and threw your backpack on the floor. An ominous feeling started nurturing in your chest.

“I don’t know. She’s probably out late with the girls… Yeah, no, I didn’t know.”

You distinguished Jaebum’s voice among the variety of little sounds mixing together. It seemed like he was talking on the phone with someone, his back turned to the kitchen door as he divided his attention between cooking and carrying the conversation. You paused your movements and leaned against the outer wall, listening in. It looked like he was talking about you.

“Distant? Yeah…no, I didn’t get the chance to tell her.”

Tell you? Tell you what? You pursed your lips. What was Jaebum hiding from you?

“Jinyoung-ah, how can you find a nice way to tell your girlfriend something like that? It’s…It’s never that easy.”

You let out a hollow chuckle and folded your arms over your chest. You felt anger swirling up in your veins. You were getting a pretty clear idea of how that scenario would eventually play out.

“Of course I will. The longer it drags, the harder it will be. Catch you later, Jinyoung-ah. I don’t want to burn the recipe…yeah, thanks.”

You peeled yourself off the wall and dug a hand in the pocket of your jeans. You threw the keys of the apartment on the kitchen table with a loud noise and it successfully captured Jaebum’s attention. The little smile he had on his lips irked you. “Is this what you have been doing lately, Jaebum?”

His eyebrows knitted together. He looked like he had no idea you overheard his previous conversation. “Doing what, exactly? I want to test out those cooking classes—“

“Let me rephrase.” You clicked your tongue. “Is this what you were busy doing while actively ignoring and neglecting me? Planning a nice and easy way to throw the break-up text in my face?”

Jaebum hissed and returned to chopping the vegetables. “It’s not like you bother paying too much attention to me either, Y/n.”

You could not believe your ears.

“Go fuck yourself.”

Jaebum slammed his knife down and shifted his body to face you. “What did you say?”

“Oh, so now you are interested in what I have to say” you laughed bleakly and shrugged your shoulders. “Should I say it again?”

“What’s with this attitude? Huh? Lately, there’s always something you don’t like, something you complain about. What the hell is it that you want?”

Every ounce of patience you had left was wearing thin. You analyzed Jaebum’s face and found nothing but outright irritation and displeasure. It satisfied you beyond measure. It was only natural he should get a taste of his own medicine. You took a step closer to him, holding your ground. “You don’t get to blame this on me. You have no right.”

Jaebum scoffed at your words and raked his hair with his fingers in an evident annoyed manner. “Of course, it’s my fault only. I am the only one in this world who doesn’t understand you.”

“You are a hypocrite.”  

You stormed out of the kitchen, your breathing ragged from all the failed attempts to compose yourself. The unidentified feeling that invaded your chest as soon as you entered your shared apartment bloomed into a hurricane, sweeping all your entire being. Rather than feeling sadness, you felt a sinister rage boiling in your lungs that you knew you wouldn’t be able to tame.

You couldn’t remember the last time you enjoyed some time in Jaebum’s company without constantly feeling pressured about something. Nothing you did for him seemed to be enough anymore. You tried visiting him at his company or call him randomly when you missed him but it didn’t appear to have much of an effect on him as it did in the early stage of your relationship. You two did not talk much about yourselves, either; Jaebum was always closed off. Your last resort was giving him the space he needed to put everything in order. You should have given up altogether had you known everything was just a cheap show of pretense.

Jaebum’s heavy steps trailed after you and you had to jerk forward to avoid his touch. “Why are you always leaving in the middle of an argument?”

That was the last straw. “You want me to tell you why I am always leaving, Jaebum?” your voice was raised, probably in a desperate attempt to get everything off your chest without any hesitation.

“I am done with this cat and mouse game! I am done with you always retreating in your little perfect bubble, I am done with you always denying my calls, I am done trying to make you communicate with me, Jaebum. Even when you actually come home, it feels like there’s a ghost in my bed. I am done wondering why I am not enough for you.”

Jaebum unconsciously took two steps back, his frame shaking slightly. You shook your head softly and let your hands fall to your sides helplessly. “You’re putting your fucking guard up again.”

All he could do was look away. Jaebum couldn’t bear to listen, much less look you in the eyes. It was stupefying to hear about all of his insecurities shoved in his face. He should have figured out they would come haunting him.

“Y/n…” he began as you threw your coat over your shoulders and dug your feet into your boots. He remained silent, repeatedly trying to find something to say. And you waited, a sliver of hope still hanging on against all odds.

“You see, Jaebum,” you broke the oppressive silence instead, your tone trembling. “You cannot give someone only 85% of yourself and expect it to be enough.”

“It was hard for me, too.” He blurted out, his fist clenching. You turned away too, fearing that seeing him struggle would make you go back to square one.

After you had left what was your shared apartment in a frenzied rush, you drove mindlessly into the night, winter streets of Seoul, the fingers gripping the wheel in a futile attempt to suppress the amalgam of emotion in your ribcage. A couple of hours passed until you finally parked the car in a lot on the outskirts of the capital and crawled out of your seat. You rose your head to the sky when big snowflakes started waltzing in the air. You felt your phone buzz in the pocket of your coat and you lazily took it out. The text glowing on your screen made you break down in tears.

‘Let’s break up.’

The months that followed were undeniably hard on you. You sent your closest friend the following week to pick up your things from your old home because you didn’t have it in you to face Jaebum. The lack of messages and calls was impressive, even for the two of you. There were numerous times when your fingers ghosted over the ‘send’ button to forward a paragraph to him but you knew better than that. There was no need to tear yourself apart anymore.

It became hard to adapt to your new routine. Waking up in an unfamiliar bed and spending your time in a different house was strange. Even after winter ended and the warmth of the sun began enveloping the world, there still was an overwhelming coldness residing. It took you some time to grow accustomed to it. You loved Jaebum and you knew there were a lot of things left unsaid between the two of you but you missed feeling whole more than anything. Feeling unhappy was the last thing you wanted to remember about him and ending it, alas abruptly, was your way of keeping your fond memories intact.

Jaebum was a good lover to you. And having back the life you had was an impossible matter.

 It hurt to let go because you tried your hardest to hold on and it only seemed like it wanted to get further away from you. Blaming yourself for having felt, for having wanted, it was gnawing at you. It confused you because you thought your feelings were the wrong ones all along, that you let them go and they were not reciprocated. You felt like a deplorable criminal and it was mirrored all over your existence.

Distractions were everything keeping you from succumbing to your suffering. Keeping yourself busy was the only way you’d stop your mind from wondering about Jaebum and about your own mistakes. Gradually, it grew a little easier to breathe and wake up in the morning. You started pushing the curtains apart to let the sun come through and you were slowly and steadily eating more and more. Dealing with a broken heart was a complex and tough process. You knew it was also not an unbeatable one. Once you convinced yourself of it, you managed to gather the shattered pieces of your heart from the floor. You were not ready to move on just yet but you were not wailing either.

Of course, meeting and dating Jaebum exposed you to his other idol friends with whom you grew closer. One thing you appreciated about his circle was that they were totally impartial when it came to your former relationship. Just like that, knowing someone resulted in introducing you to someone new. You liked to think people did not despise you.

In a late august morning, the ringing of your phone awoke you from your sweet slumber. You brought it to your ear, trying your best to make sense of the words spoken to you. You were asked to help organize a private pool party for one of your closest friends.

The idea in itself made you beam with excitement. Your summer was sprinkled with events here and there, mostly dedicated to you. Your circle put in a lot of effort to drag you out of the pit and you couldn’t love them more for it. It felt good to help do something nice in exchange and a pool party was the one thing you didn’t know you needed. So you were in charge of reserving the location and the mobile bar. And because you loved being a tad extra, you reserved one of the largest skybar areas which had all the requirements.

  “You really invited a lot of people!” you giggled as you finished dressing with the one-shoulder bikini top. Your friend nudged you with her elbow, wiggling her eyebrows at you.

“He has a lot of friends, all right! We all needed this to celebrate the end of the summer before we go back to work. But you really went extra with this red two-piece.”

“You said it yourself, didn’t you?” you smirked and exited the changing rooms, grabbing a cocktail on your way out. “We’re celebrating!”

“That’s my girl.”

There were a lot of guests coming in, most of the people you had already met before. The crowd was thickening by the second but it was one of the few times you actually enjoyed it. You wanted to lose yourself among them so you could finally wash off the regret lingering in your heart. It didn’t take long for your group to gather and it took but a glance to agree on opening the party. All of you jumped in the pool, accompanied by roaring cheers. Others followed in after you, filling the water rapidly. The DJ didn’t hesitate to switch the music up, fueling the otherwise great atmosphere. You gathered quickly to the pool bar to down a shot and joined your girl-friends in a game of water volleyball.

“Hey, girls! I am going out to dry myself a little, I think I might turn into a siren if I stay any longer!” You announced cheerfully and got out of the pool to grab a towel.  You wrapped the soft linen around your body and a group of people gathering to the entrance captured your attention. You felt as if the weight of the whole world came crashing down on you.

Jaebum and his members were coming in.

You quickly turned your back to the entrance, your features wilting. You had to grab onto the metal railing to sustain your balance. Why were they there? Why was he there?

That was an unforeseeable situation. Leaving the party would be inconsiderately rude to your friend and avoiding all of them was beyond impossible. You were at a loss for words. All the months spent moving on from the murderous pain went down the drain in mere moments. You knew you couldn’t afford to reopen such a fresh wound.

You rushed to the barman to mix you another drink. Your index trailed along the rim before you gulped it down. Alcohol wouldn’t serve as a savior but it would at least keep your adrenaline contained. People were getting out too to enjoy the snacks, the drinks or to dance to the endearing music. You put the towel on a nearby surface and meddled with them in an attempt to restrain your thoughts. The alcohol in your veins made it easier for you to lose yourself to the rhythm, along with your friends who hyped you up.

However, the stares Jaebum kept sending your way were excruciating. As soon as he laid his eyes on you, subtlety flew out the window. He was at a considerable distance from you, surrounded by countless other girls who tried catching his group’s attention, yet you caught him glancing at you so many times you lost count. It vexed you. You wondered if he had always been that shameless. It was only getting worse as one of your girls attached herself to your back to start grinding against you. The glances turned to intent stares, burning through your skin. Your eyes connected once and you recognized that singular vulgar glint in his eyes. You could only guess how many scenarios ran through his mind. Unfortunately, you weren’t one to back out from a challenge.

You hated his guts and you absolutely despised his presence there when it was meant to be a perfect summer’s end for you and your friends. You recalled the way you felt that night you left his house and all the pent-up frustration burst forth. If he was staring at you, might as well offer him something worth staring at.

For the rest of the night, you welcomed any inappropriate or daring moves initiated by your friends. At a certain point, you even started enjoying it; you forgot how much you adored having fun. It served for good distraction as Jaebum managed to slip off your mind for a while. You didn’t realize when time passed so fast and guests started retreating to their respective homes. You lost sight of Jaebum and the rest of his members, too. There were hardly any people left and you needed to cool down your body of all the intensity, so you dived into the pool to execute a lap or two.

You pulled yourself to the surface and ran your hands over your face to wipe off the water. An indistinctive sound of water splashing echoed in the distance but you paid it no mind as you swam to the edge of the pool, leaning your back against the cold surface.

“Nice party, huh?”

You felt your body tensing up at the painfully familiar voice. You opened your eyes to see Jaebum in front of you, momentarily keeping his distance. Were you wrong earlier?

“Thanks, I reserved the place.”

Jaebum laughed and it tore open a piece of your heart. The sound was so beautiful. “Figures you did.”

You nodded your head and looked away. You wanted to escape that situation.

“We weren’t supposed to come, our schedule was packed.” Jaebum started as he ran a hand through his damp hair. “I am glad we did, though.”

You chuckled. “You would have missed a great party otherwise.”

Jaebum took a step closer to you, prompting his hands on either side of your body. You tilted your head to him, your eyes lifting up to his. You clicked your tongue at his gesture.

“You know I am not talking about that.”

“God knows what you are talking about, Jaebum.” You dared. “Don’t push this. We began as friends, let’s end as friends.”

“Friends are not supposed to look at each other the way I look at you.”

You pursed your lips, your breathing coming to a halt. So you were not wrong about your deductions. You inched your face closer to his, maintaining eye contact. “You look at me like any other male would look at a female he wants to fuck. That’s not something special.”

Jaebum’s reaction was entirely different from what you were expecting. Instead of scoffing and walking away as he used to, his eyes softened, unlocking the gate to his soul you never managed to pass through. “That’s not true, Y/n. I never took you for a stress reliever. Even though having sex with you pushed me over the edge every time.”

You felt his hands lowering to your hips to pull you toward him. The tips of his fingers sent scorching sensations through your body. You kept your distance, fighting a savage battle to keep yourself contained. “Sex is the only thing we did well, Jaebum.”

Jaebum leaned over, attaching his lips flawlessly to a sweet spot in your neck that always set you off. Your fingers clenched around the edge of the pool. Giving in started to feel like a plausible solution to your problem.

“It wasn’t the only thing we did well, Y/n. Waking up to you was the most joyous part of the morning.” Jaebum placed a chaste kiss behind your ear. “Writing songs with you was when I’d get the most inspiration.” Another kiss to your jaw. “Having you by my side was the only thing I could boast about shamelessly.”

Jaebum pulled away from you altogether, saving you from eliciting a moan. He looked both sincere and sad. “Loving you was the only thing I couldn’t do right.”

“I suffered, Jaebum.” You cleared your throat. “I suffered terribly even while being with you. Do you have any idea how it is to feel alone in a relationship? I’ve loved you all alone, Jaebum. It destroyed me.”

“You didn’t love alone, Y/n.” He pleaded. “I was a coward and I was so wrong. I knew I had to work on myself first and that was one thing I had to do alone.”

“I don’t understand you.”

“Then let me explain myself properly.”

Jaebum crashed his lips against yours and his hands took a steady grip of your hips again. He pushed his body atop of yours and you could feel his hardening bulge rubbing against your lower abdomen. A sultry moan evaded your lungs against your wish. Jaebum took the opportunity to slide his tongue in your mouth, engaging yours in a carnal dance. An unexpected amount of adrenaline was surging up inside you as his tongue worked on yours ardently.

“If this is the only way to make you listen to me, so be it.” Jaebum pulled back and did not give you any time to catch your breath. He pushed his knee in between your legs, the sudden friction making you bite back another moan. “Firstly, I need you and I love you, that’s unquestionable.”

Jaebum lowered a hand to grab your ass harshly, his fingers sliding inside your bikini for a better grip. You threw your head back in ecstasy. “Secondly, I am terribly sorry for breaking up with you through text but I knew that if I saw you again, I’d break and I wouldn’t work on my issues if I had you running by my side to pamper me.”

Jaebum pulled out his other hand from the water to pull your chin tenderly to him. The vicious glint in his eyes turned you on. “And thirdly, I swear to explain everything to you so you can decide if you give me another chance or not. What do you want me to do?”

You brought a hand to his hair, running your nails on his scalp then down to his nape. You smirked at the low growl escaping his lips. “I swear to God Lim Jaebum, if you don’t fuck my brains out right now, I won’t even consider listening to you.”

You saw a dangerous smirk growing on Jaebum’s lips. His knee pushed your legs further apart and his hand traveled to your core, two fingers pushing inside of you without any prior warning. A resonant moan vibrated in the air at the desired feeling of his fingers stretching you out and Jaebum leaned over to whisper in your ear. “You never told me you were into public sex.”

“I thought you weren’t.”

Jaebum circled his tongue around one of the prominent veins in your neck, a predator steadying himself to mark its prey. “I prefer shielding you from curious eyes but I have to obey my princess’s wish of fucking her outright.”

Instead of attacking the skin of your neck, Jaebum lowered his head to your breasts, pulling the fabric of your top for access. Your nails dug into the blade of his shoulder when his lips started sucking on your breast ever so passionate. You had to steady yourself as his fingers began curling in and out of your core, the avalanche of moans coming out of your mouth filling the air.

“Jaebum…oh, right there”

Jaebum glanced up at you before admiring the beautiful colored spot on your breast. He licked his lips and attached them to yours in a fiery kiss. Your eagerness hinted at your first orgasm much faster than you anticipated. Jaebum allowed you to take the lead of the kiss so he could focus on the movements of his fingers getting faster.

You moaned into his mouth and threw your head back, holding onto Jaebum’s shoulder to grind against his magical digits. Jaebum let out a groan of his own; watching you surrender to the pleasure he was granting you, the way your lips parted with every airy sigh echoing in the air and the way your body reacted to every little gesture arose him greatly. He placed his other hand on your inner thigh to keep them parted as your warm walls clenched around his fingers. “Come on, Y/n. Cum on my fingers, beautiful.”

It didn’t take long to satisfy Jaebum’s wish; a high-pitched moan signaled your orgasm washing over you and Jaebum helped you ride it off eagerly. You barely had any time to inhale that Jaebum flipped your body so that your back was facing him. “I believe we’re not done just yet.”

Jaebum lowered his head to press a trail of butterfly kisses along the upper part of your spine that made you arch your back. He traced a finger over the scarce piece of material and you detected disapproval in his tone.

“This is very much in my way, gorgeous.”

“You’ll leave me naked if I take it off.”

Jaebum chuckled and prompted you to raise your arms so he could remove it. He draped an arm over your breasts, grabbing one of them in his hand to play with. A yelp emerged out of your chest. “Problem solved.”

He resumed his previous actions, peppering kisses over your spine that caused goosebumps to appear. He truly knew your body inside out.

“You like that?”

You hummed in approval, throwing your arm around his neck as he pressed his chest to your back. “Very much.”

“It means you will just love this.”

You bit your bottom lip in anticipation. Jaebum pulled down his shorts and guided his erection inside your wet cavern. He moaned into your shoulder, grazing his teeth over the sensitive skin at the contact he longed for. His length filled up every inch of you and you leaned forward to adjust to his size. He had always stretched you out to your limits and you could never get enough of the euphoric sensation.

Jaebum’s thrusts started at a fast and rough tempo that found an excellent angle every single time. Before you knew it, you began chanting his name like a mantra. His hand cupping your breast was only adding to the infinite bliss whirling uncontrollably through your veins. Your body reminded you how dependent you were of his touch and how he was the only one who could make you reach absolute nirvana. There was no use denying yourself anymore.

“Fuck it, Y/n, I missed you so much. I could never live without you.”

Through the rapid pacing of your breathing and the mixture of moans coming from both of you, you heard his words loud and clear. You brought his face to you to pull him into a desirous kiss in response. Jaebum added his middle finger to your clit, rubbing against it masterfully, and you had to take a grip of the edge of the pool. Your vision was getting blurry and you could no longer form coherent words because of the ecstasy exploding inside you.

“Oh, Jaebum…”

“I know, love.”

Jaebum was panting but that didn’t stop him from picking up the pace and hitting your sweet spot with every sharp movement. A well-known sensation built up rapidly in your stomach, igniting your core almost devilishly. You couldn’t hold out any longer. Your walls clenched around his thick length and Jaebum sensed it, pulling himself completely out of you before coming back in to offer you deeper thrusts. You placed your hand over his, guiding his fingers to rub your clit just the way you desperately needed.

Your second orgasm hit you violently and Jaebum had to sustain your body as you came. You screamed out his name in euphoric pleasure and the overwhelming warmth of your juices ensured Jaebum would follow closely behind. It took a couple more angled thrusts for him to release himself inside of you and an airy sigh approved of the nice feeling.

“I am sorry for that, I couldn’t hold back.” Jaebum whispered as he gently turned you to him and placed his forehead against yours.

“If there’s anything you should apologize for is me not being able to walk tomorrow morning.”

He chuckled and you circled your arms around his neck, holding on to his broad back. Your breasts were pressed against his chest, trying to cover yourself. Jaebum pulled up his shorts and guided your legs around his waist before wrapping his own arms around you. You were so comfortable with the familiar warmth his body provided. It was an abrupt turn your life took and there would be much to do to make it work but you could feel it wouldn’t be a scarce 85% again.

“Let’s get out of here.”

[battle-of-alberta]

OCtober: Cal and Ed

It’s finally over. I’m sorry for the delay but stuff has been Happening. If there’s a tourism site that attracts you more to one city or the other, let me know.

Calgary | Edmonton

Below is some meta stuff about the ‘research’ (if you can even call it   that, it was more of a vibe check) I did for re-doing the profiles. Read  on, if it intrigues you. And I gotta mention there’s a bonus rabbit hole I went down for Calgary’s self-image that is. Well. A Lot.

Major Cities: Calgary and Edmonton

We made it team, the heart of the Battle of Alberta, the major city rivalry that defined generations. Calgary is the largest city in the province and the centre of southern Alberta, a young, fast-paced major city that oscillates wildly between boom and bust and is attracting both attention and employees from the traditional major cities in Canada. Edmonton is the capital of the province and the the most northern major city with a metro population of over one million on the continent, a little older and more blue collar, somewhat more stable economically, and quickly rising to meet the challenges presented by open data and sustainable urban planning. And, as we know, they've been antagonizing each other since the 19th century, but collaborating as well.

Website Round Up Premise

While I was revisiting these character profiles, I took a look at how cities represented themselves on their municipal sites and tourism sites rather than how cities were represented in the news or in stereotypes, as the latter already tend to live in the back of my head. I was interested to see who the target audiences for each city were, what they considered their strengths, and how much effort each city put into putting its own identity on display. I was also interested into what ideas sort of fed into any pre-existing confirmation bias I had about each city's personality as well as interested in what narratives might be used to counteract negative stereotypes.The first thing I tended to notice was the overall information architecture of each city's website. How easy were they to navigate? What kinds of information did they have? How did they organize it? How did they communicate that information?

Out and About

There's a sharp difference between the websites of major cities from other cities. They are very careful to separate the corporation of 'The City of' from the cities we might know, and therefore both websites have a much more business-like tone and more distance from their civic identities. This means no traditional "About" pages as other cities might have.

At the time I'm visiting, Edmonton's page has some ADORABLE art of a nuthatch that's making me very homesick. Calgary has a seasonally appropriate snowy skyline.

Calgary does have an "Our Organization" tab which describes the City as a corporation, and likewise Edmonton has a "City Government" tab that performs a similar function. Edmonton's is in alphabetical order which is only a little annoying and Calgary's reads like a very perfectly chunked business portfolio that doesn't... really say as much as it looks like it does, but it does get bonus points for vision/organization/accessibility.

I have never seen a more concise history of Calgary in my life. It's literally three bullet points and a couple of bracketing sentences, but it does do the job. Calgary is, more or less, what it says it is (although I do take slight issue with its self identification as a trading post - it may have functioned that way but that was not what it was founded for and in fact the trading companies gtfo'd asap in those early days). It goes on to paint a very good sketch of the city in as few lines as possible in the text, and there's a little video at the end that feels like it was voiced over in 1988 even though it's clearly not.

Edmonton's City government page is even vaguer. Let's make a more dynamic and resilient Edmonton shall we, the page suggests. Resilient against What Exactly, I wonder. Winter? The boom-bust? Calgary? who knows. The majority of the sub pages are even more mysterious and essentially paint the picture of a city. It's a normal city. Trust us. We do city things. Here is exactly how government works and how to raise and lower a flag. In Edmonton, which is, in fact, a city.

I'm begging you if you think Calvin is hokey and annoying please read the Our Culture page and see it's EXACTLY how I intended to portray him because it's eXACTLY what it's already like. "The Four C's of Our Culture" give me a break.

Edmonton offers me a picture of the skyline and says "City of Opportunity: City of You". I suppose this is true. I don't know what it means. I fear slightly for its intentions.

I keep seeing "Calgary: A great place to make a living, a great place to make a life" and it's like. Stop! I won't go! You can't make me! (and again the Strong and Resilient Calgary. these kids are always catching colds because they don't eat properly.)

Although Edmonton makes literally zero attempt to define itself (outside perhaps the official symbols page hidden under Facts and Figures), what strikes me is that it is portraying itself as a very future-oriented city, which, when I was growing up we really never were. We were an inward city constantly wishing we were somewhere else which is partially still true, and we were a city with such an intense nostalgia (that unlike Calgary we failed to really capitalize on) that grated roughly against a complete failure to preserve history. It does kind of make me glad that the city is looking towards the future and just like, acknowledging basic realities (like snow) and trying to involve people in urban planning more (and throughout the website the city LOOOOVES to share data which I also called, haha). There's also an adorable animation of the city road map in its strategic planning pages. It's interesting that for a city that leaves itself up to your own interpretation, it does have a LOT of information about itself collected and available.

Tourism

Oddly enough, neither city has substantially changed their tourism homepage to accommodate COVID-related staycation plans, although each does mention that many things may be closed or unavailable as a result of the pandemic.

CaLGARy, Be PaRT of THe EnERGy!!

I like how Edmonton's self-presentation is "original" and "we do things differently". It's like a Keep ___ Weird thing but in an understated self-assured way that makes me laugh a little. Like yeah, I guess we are kind of different, I guess we're just not used to seeing that as a good thing.

In the tourism guides there isn't much to say about Calgary's that isn't just "oh, classic Calgary" but I do think the fact that they have "quick facts" to explain what timezone it's in and what currency they use is adorable to say the least. also the title of the guide is CALGARY (and the canadian rockies) and that sums up Calgary pretty well, which I'll elaborate on more.

I actually can't find Edmonton's guide, if it has one, but that's ok. The website hits all the buttons that I would and I actually use exploreedmonton quite frequently because it has a nicer event calendar than the city website does, which is important in a place nicknamed Festival City. I really appreciate how things are organized by month/season and even down to "what's happening today/tomorrow/this week" because it makes planning trips for my visitors easy, so now you know my secret : ) I wish I could just beam this site directly into people's brains when they mention "oh yeah thats where the mall is" when I say I'm from Edmonton.

Interestingly enough it's Calgary's turn to be vague, which I can only assume is part of its "exactly what it says it is" charm. This desperation to find a shred of self-description outside of things to do and places to stay led me down a rabbit hole I will elaborate on in a moment that truly showed me I Knew Nothing about how deep Calgary's branding goes. Otherwise, the website is very practical and functions more like an answer to questions you had about the what and the how and less so the why.

Also, the "Locals" page on Calgary's site has tips on hosting friends and family from around the province safely during the pandemic which is kind of cute. Edmonton doesn't really have a local page (i guess because if we had a hashtag like #loveyyc we'd ruin it)

Bonus: The Rabbit Hole

I wondered why Calgary's tourism page, which I expected to be the most in your face description of the city possible, fell kind of flat. I learned this seems to be because tourists are not the target audience that Calgary wants to attract. It's companies and corporations, and they get their own page.

Boy oh boy do they get their own page

This led me down this frightening path of getting validation like being repeatedly punched in the face by what On Brand Calgary truly means and I'm frankly quite speechless about it - all I can say is that you need to see it for yourself.

The tourism site gestures to a Billion reasons why you should hold your next meeting in Calgary and here is where the self definition as Big City Energy and Western Hospitality starts kicking the tires and lighting the fires. Likewise with the media-oriented page. Suddenly stuff like the Calgary Bucket List starts popping up and I can't help but go hang on, why not suggest this to tourists?

"It's cowboy spirit, but also refined and cosmopolitan" [sighs into hands]

Suddenly all the "Calgarians love visitors! Calgarians love the outdoors!" stuff is spilling out like water from a dam here. "Where's Calgary?" [Link that reads FIND US].

Like i literally feel like the tourism side on the left is the Kids Menu, it's the corporate stuff on the right that I'm actually finding the type of information I want on. Eventually, I somehow make my way to Calgary's Destination Strategy which is trying to make Calgary a place that... well, people go. Like, internationally. Like the Olympics but MORE of that.

Then I find the Brand Evolution. Then I find Calgary's Economic Development site. The poetry about rocky mountain prairie skies and "where a handshake still means something" starts to reach its peak.

Then back through the tourism site I find the video. And the video makes me shake because it suggests the premise of The Powerpoint.

The Powerpoint. I cannot summarize the powerpoint in any meaningful way or how my emotions were a rollercoaster further and further up and down the longer i scrolled. Everything I know and suggest about Calgary seems to be unequivocally true, including the sense that Calgary as a person is the sort of person who makes powerpoints about his own identity crisis because that's precisely what this is.

And then I get to the part of the powerpoint that suggests I imagine what kind of person the city of Calgary might be (and implied: does that person think about anything other than the mountains???) THEY EVEN DID AN OCEAN PERSONALITY TEST FOR THE CITY I KID YOU NOT

Hi, City of Edmonton, hire me to take an OCEAN test for our fair city. I'm begging you.

[imagining-supernatural]

The Work Call

Part 18 of Seventy Percent

Series Summary: When you left on your trip to Vegas, you’d planned on letting loose for one last weekend before heading back to reality and getting your affairs in order so your best friend wouldn’t be left cleaning up your mess when your cancer finally ended your life. What you hadn’t counted on was waking up married to a celebrity who has a knight-in-shining-armor complex, connections with an oncologist, and amazing insurance…

Chapter Summary:  You call your boss to get some work to do in your free time and do a little flirting ;)

Word Count: 2,258

With Sebastian off in Georgia for a week, you felt like a teenager whose parents just left her home for alone for the first time. Suddenly, you could break all of the rules. Not that your rule-breaking was something that would get you in too much trouble…

Since the press seemed to have gotten it through their heads that you were off limits, you finally had your privacy and space back again. As a result, you were taking advantage of the last few weeks of autumn before the snow came. After your hospital appointments, you walked down the street to a cute little café and sat in one of the over-sized, plush chairs for a bit. You’d either bring a book or your laptop.

On Wednesday, the café cat apparently decided you were okay and hopped up into your lap, purring loudly as you read. You’d snapped a quick selfie and sent it off to Sebastian.

Me: [image attached] Don’t be surprised if you come home this weekend and I’ve catnapped ol’ Misty here

Sebastian: What if I’m allergic to cats?

Me: Sucks to be you, I guess

Me: The apartment’s lonely without you

You stared at the last text you’d sent, suddenly overthinking it. Sure, you were married. And, sure, you were wearing his ring now. But you two hadn’t really discussed what that meant, exactly. So was that last text too strong? Too forward?

Hell, you didn’t even know what you’d meant by it.

Sebastian: Don’t know how I feel about being able to be replaced by a cat

Sebastian: Maybe I need to up my game

Up his game?

Shit, it had been so long since you’d flirted with anyone. So long since you’d even considered a relationship. After your hellish life growing up, you’d put all of your focus into school. You were determined to set yourself up for a better life than the one you were born into. Then you graduated and worked hard to secure your place at your job. School only taught you so much, and you needed to be able to apply what you learned to real life.

Once you felt secure in your professional life and you were finally ready to start exploring a relationship, you found out you had cancer.

So to say you were woefully underprepared for this situation would be the understatement of the year.

Me: Luckily for you, I like Jenny’s coffee so much that I don’t want her to hate me for stealing her cat

Sebastian: You still thought a cat would replace me

Sebastian: That hurts, sweetheart

Sweetheart. In writing. 

Me: I’ll find some way to make you feel better this weekend

Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

Why did you never read over your texts before you sent them?

At least you hadn’t put a winky face emoji. Now that would have been a disaster.

Not that you didn’t want your relationship with Sebastian to keep going. You did. But there was a lot more pressure riding on this than there was back in high school when you went to the prom with Brad Trayton, or in college when you slept with the guy from your Chemistry 101 lab three times before having to break it off with him because he always smelled like bacon.

This was Sebastian Fucking Stan. And you were married to the guy. And you were in a literal life or death situation. If things went badly with him, that would make the rest of your cancer treatment very awkward, to say the least.

Sebastian: I’m sure you will…

Sebastian: I gotta go to a script reading rn. Skype tonight?

Me: Of course

You’d been Skyping with Seb at least twice a day since he left on Sunday night. It was almost like he never left, in that regard.

But with him gone, you found that you had a lot of free time on your hands. With your body starting to get used to the cancer treatment, you also had a bit more energy and nowhere to put that energy to good use.

So you called your old boss back home, dialing his direct extension to avoid getting his assistant. The press might have backed off, but thanks to the updates from Jasmin, people who knew you were still reeling over your marriage.

“Plathway.”

“Hey, Brendon, it’s Y/N.”

“Y/N!” he exclaimed, and you could just imagine him leaning back in his chair. Brendon Plathway was your mentor and had grown into a close friend. Of everyone in your life, you would say he was the closest thing to a good father figure you had. “How are you doing? I’ve seen your name on Facebook a few times.”

“I’m doing pretty good, all things considered. I’m in a clinical study in New York and the doctors are optimistic that it’ll work. They’re hoping I’ll get the tumor out sometime in February.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful,” Brendon said. “And that husband of yours… he treating you well?”

“It’s not… it’s not quite like that. But yeah. He’s great.” It was a pretty decent segue into the reason for your call. “He’s actually out of town, shooting for a TV show. So I have a bit of time on my hands and was hoping—”

“Y/N Y/L/N?”

The unfamiliar voice interrupted you before you could finish. You looked up to see a guy about your age with a newsboy bag, notebook, and tape recorder.

A fucking journalist.

“I thought it was you. You mind if I ask you a few questions?” He didn’t say it like a question, nor did he give you time to respond before he sat on a stool beside you and set up shop on the small table. “If I could write an article on you, it would just—”

“I’m actually on a phone call right now.”

“Oh, I won’t take too long. I just can’t pass up this opportunity. You’re quite the enigma. No one’s gotten your side of the story.”

“And neither will you. I’m not going to answer any questions.”

He completely ignored you, flicked on the recorder, and put his pen to paper. “People have been saying that you planned your rendezvous with Sebastian Stan in Vegas. What do you say to that?”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have no comment for you.”

“I thought you’d appreciate the chance to get your story out there. There are some nasty rumors spreading—”

You cut him off before he could continue. “I know my story and the people I care about know my story. I will not be answering any questions for you today.”

“Do you feel no guilt for being the reason Sebastian Stan’s reputation has taken a massive hit?”

“I’m going to give you one more chance to leave me the fuck alone before I call the cops.” He opened his mouth, but you spoke over him, voice lowering to a red-hot hiss. “And if you write a single word of this conversation or make any sort of insinuations that I said anything at all, I will slap you and whatever blog or magazine you work for with a libel lawsuit. Don’t even think about trying to manipulate your recording because you’re not the only one who has been recording this conversation. The phone call you interrupted was with my boss and it’s company policy to record all incoming and outgoing phone calls. He’s a witness that I repeatedly rejected your attempt to start an interview and anything else you say can be construed as harassment. Have I made myself clear?”

He stared at you, wide eyed. Guess he hadn’t expected a cancer patient to be so blunt. Nevertheless, he gathered his things and stood. Just before walking away, he muttered, “You didn’t have to be such a bitch about it.”

Once he was gone, you groaned. “Sorry about that, Bren.”

“Is that something you have to deal with often? That’s horrible.”

“No. Not since I got sick because stupid reporters were sticking their germy microphones in my face and Seb threatened them with lawyers.”

Brendon hmphed. “Well, you sounded like you had that speech prepared. Sounded like you’d said it a few times.”

“Before he left, Seb made sure I knew how to threaten any reporters like that. Luckily this was the first time I’ve had to remember what he told me.” The reporter had shaken you, and it took a few deep breaths before you felt calm enough to continue with your conversation. “Anyway, back to my original reason for calling… Are there are projects I could jump on long distance? I’ll probably only be able to put in about ten to fifteen good hours of work a week, but it’d be nice to have something to do other than wait for new episodes of my shows to come on Hulu.”

“Let me poke around the office a bit. I know there’s a big one coming up next week. Rachel’s heading that one. You’ve worked with her before right? She’d probably appreciate your input. Trent is in the middle of one for a pharmaceutical company, but he’s not feeling too sure about it. I’ll see if he wants you to try and hack the system and find holes.”

“Anything. I’ve worked with both of them before and I think we work well together. I did quite a few initial proposals before I left for Vegas and I enjoyed those more than most people do.”

He promised he’d send any projects your way that he could. After a few more minutes of catching up, you ended the call and headed outside to wait for Sean in the chilly fall air.

“How was the reading?” you asked later that night. “Any juicy plot lines?”

“Not that I can tell you,” Seb replied. The phone in his hand shifted as he settled further into the hotel bed that Marvel was putting him up in. “But it was good. We’ll start shooting tomorrow.”

“Excited to lube up your arm?”

He laughed, head falling back against the headboard. “I take it you finally did some research on me?”

“A little. The hospital was running behind today, so I was there a bit longer than I planned and I fell down the YouTube abyss of interviews. Anthony seems like a fun guy to work with.”

Sebastian grinned. “He is. Speaking of work, did you call your boss?”

“Yeah.” The reminder of the phone call – or rather of the interruption – made your roll your eyes.

“Didn’t go well?”

“No, no. It did.” You knew your news was not going to go over well with Seb, so you took a minute to get settled into the bed. It had been a long day and laying down felt good. You turned your laptop on its side so your face would still be the right way on Seb’s phone. “Brendon’s gonna check around work and find some projects and work to throw my way. That’s all good.”

“Then what is it?”

With a deep sigh, you began. “While I was on the phone with him, some hipster reporter dude interrupted.”

“Son of a—”

“It took a minute to get it through his thick skull that I was not going to give him a story but he finally left. It just kinda took a bit out of me.”

“God, Y/N. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yeah, it’s not,” you agreed softly. “But you prepared me. I handled it. Then Sean made me eat dinner with him and his wife. She’s an amazing cook. Sometime when you’re home, they want to have both of us over. And when this is all over, we definitely need to think of a hell of a way to thank him for everything. He’s done so much more than a driver gets paid to.”

The two of you brainstormed for a bit about how to repay Sean for his kindness and friendship. Then your conversation moved on to different subjects, bouncing around for a bit until you yawned for the third time in five minutes.

“You seem more tired than usual. You doing okay?”

“I’m fine. I mean, I haven’t been sleeping well, but that’s your fault.”

“My fault?” he asked.

“Yeah. You made me sleep next to you for two weeks then you just up and leave me alone. It’s rude, Mr. Stan.”

Something in your words sparked something in his eyes that filled you with… excitement?

“Well, Mrs. Stan…” His words were accompanied by a wink that stopped your heart. Forget your brain tumor. Sebastian was going to be the source of your death. “You only have two more nights before I’m home for the weekend.”

Flirting? Were you flirting?

“Two nights with you and five nights without you is just not a fraction I like.”

My god, you were flirting.

“If you can convince Marvel to move their studios to New York, I’m all game. Until then, we’ll have to make the best of those two nights.”

“Make the best of them, hmm?”

“Yeah,” he said in a low voice. “Mackie’s commentary on The Voice isn’t as good as yours. I’ve been waiting to watch the new episodes until I’m with you.”

The unexpected twist made you laugh out loud. It didn’t escape your attention how his eyes crinkled at the sound, affection flooding his expression. “The Voice on Friday and Dancing With The Stars on Saturday?”

“I’ll pen it in my calendar, sweetheart.”

“Ooo. I’m pen-worthy. That’s so much better than pencil-worthy.”

“You’re white-out-worthy, baby. I’d white-out plans I have with someone else to pen in plans with you.”

Fucking hell. Baby was a new one.

If he’d put on half this much charm on you in Vegas when you were drunk, it was no wonder you’d married him.

“Then I guess I need to go erase the pencil plans I had for Saturday evening and make room for you. Maybe even buy a special pen just for you.”

“Maybe wait for tomorrow? You’ve had a long day. Seems like you need a good night’s rest.”

“You too, hun.” The pet name felt foreign on your tongue, but it somehow felt… right? “Shooting starts tomorrow. You need to be ready to keep up with Mackie’s energy.”

“He wants to meet’cha, you know. Apparently I haven’t shut up about you.’

“Gimme a few more weeks to get used to this treatment and maybe I can spend more than three seconds around him without needing a nap,” you joked. “Unless he only has that energy when there’s a camera on him…?”

Seb laughed. “That is him all the damn time.”

“Then I better let you go for the night. You’ve spent the last few weeks shlumping around with me. Gotta get your rest to keep up with him tomorrow.”

“And you gotta get your rest so you can hand out candy tomorrow.”

“I’m excited for that, actually. Trick or Treating really slowed down back in Utah lately. I think last year I got, like, maybe three groups of kids?”

“You’ll get your fill this year. A lot of the kids in the apartment complex go to every door. Just be careful, okay? I don’t want you getting sick.”

It took twenty more minutes before you were finally able to say your goodbyes and hang up. You stared at your phone for a moment before placing it on the side table beside Sebastian’s bed and turning off the light.  

Houston, we've got some flirting!!! Also can we just take a minute to appreciate how amazing Sean is? But things seem to be looking up!

CHAPTER 19: THE LONG DAY

[miss-choco-chips]

College au part 2

Home, a place where I can go to take this off my shoulders- someone take me home (Machine Gun Kelly, X Ambassadors & Bebe Rexha – Home)

They are there for each other, the good and the bad. That’s what family is for, after all.

-.-.-.-.-.-

-I'm so gay -sighed Miguel almost dreamingly, stopping next to Slobo by the doors leading to the backyard.

Blissfully unaware of them, Tim was going through his usual routine of what seemed a mix of gymnastics, various martial arts and parkour, with a side of dancing to spice things up.

His friend snorted without even raising his eyes from the motorcycle engine he was trying to fix. A blasphemy, in Miguel's humble opinion, to have such an amazing view and to not take advantage of it.

-I know.

He dropped to the ground, head resting on Slobo's shoulder, gaze unwavering in his appreciation of slim muscles and perfectly controlled strength. Tamed power to the fullest.

-I mean like, really really gay.

-Yeah, what else is new? Pass me the motor oil.

He blindly patted the ground for it, picking something vaguely shaped like a can and thrusting it to where he thought were the other's hands.

When Tim bends over and starts stretching, Miguel wheezes and drops the can.

-I'm so stupidly, non functionally gay.

Slobo rolled his eyes and picked it up, his other hand going to close Miguel’s jaw.

-Dude that's all old news. Either come here with fresh gossip, be helpful, or leave. I don't need you making a mess of my stuff. You are getting your hormones all over my individual bubble.

Miguel sighed again, eyes almost physically turning into hearts when Tim stretched his arms over his head.

-Fuck, I can’t handle this much inner gay. It’s overwhelming.

-Nothing inner about it, dude. You’re dripping it all over my work station. Can’t you go be a disaster gay somewhere else?

-Tim is here, so no can do.

-Can’t you just ask him out and save us all the pining show and second hand embarrassment? 

A few meters away, Tim had taken out the bo staff and was practicing some moves. He accidentally brushed a branch (a thick one, from the pine tree Kon’s grandparents had made him plant upon moving there), and snapped it in half. He seemed kinda sheepish about it, which was both adorable and terrifying. Miguel was scared and horny.

-He’d destroy me.

Slobo hummed, hand reaching up to pat Miguel in the shoulder.

-Sounds like something you’d be kinda into, though.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

-This coffee tastes like dirt -complained Tim, while chugging half the pot in one long gulp. 

Distantly, Cassie noted there was still steam coming out of the liquid. Hadn’t Tim just brew it? Also, was it completely dark? No sugar? 

Like her future?

Despairingly, she let her head fall again on the table.

-Why did I get into politics?

-Your pathological need to fulfill Diana’s expectations -replied Cissie, sitting across from her, long hair in what could have been a bun once upon a time but now looked more like a bird’s nest. That had been hit by lighting. Repeatedly.

It strangely suited her. Or it could be Cassie’s adoration for her friend speaking, who the fuck knows.

-Which, I might add -interjected Tim, not waiting for them to say ‘you may’ before continuing. Because he was a rude bastard like that- you invented by yourself. Diana only hopes you don’t end up in jail. And if it's for the right causes, she might even forgive that. 

He dropped to the ground for no discernible reason, back to the cabinets where they kept the fine cutlery they never used. He was staring at the halfway empty pot like it contained the key to conquering mankind.

Knowing Tim, it might actually be true.

-Don’t try to take over the world -she asked, worried he might. Cissie made a confused sound, not privy to Cassie’s internal monologue, but Tim just nodded distractedly, which was all she needed before turning back to her half done paper.

-How are you doing, sis?

-Sis like sister, o Ciss like Cissie? -came Tim’s voice from behind her, probably still sitting on the ground. 

-Yes.

-Oh -the girl in front of her blinked- sorry, you were talking to me? 

-I mean… Tim is not ‘sis’.

-I resent that, I totally could be. Also, seriously, why does my coffee taste like dirt?

-Don’t drink it then. You were saying, honey?

Cassie rested her chin on a hand, elbow carefully to the side of her paper. 

-How are you doing?

-Wondering why did I ever thought studying psychology was a good idea. Why? Who started me on this path, and can I punch them? -her voice raised higher and higher the more distressed she got- Tim? Do you remember?

-Your therapist back in high school got you out of your toxic home life and helped you basically re-build your sense of self worth. Also you like to get into everyone’s business so Kon suggested making a career out of it.

-Remind me to punch him later.

-You could break your hand, and you have an archery competition this friday.

-Kick him, then.

-Got ya.

-Can I just die? -interjected Cassie, phone at hand. Her screen displayed a text sent by a classmate, who updated her on their due date. Apparently, she had calculated wrong and it was way sooner than what she thought- What’s the worst that could happen if I die? I’m sure people would get over it.

-You’d be losing all the progress you made in your career so far -reminded her Cissie.

Tim’s voice joined from behind- Included, but not limited to, that one class you had with the douche professor. Imagine if you lost your progress and had to start over. Imagine having class with him again.

She shivered- That was both incredibly motivational, and unholily terrorizing.

Greta entered the kitchen then. She looked fresh and cute, which was probably due to her having a full night’s sleep.

-Wow, you three have been here the whole night? -she asked, obviously concerned, looking over Cissie’s shoulder at her assignment- Did you guys even make progress? At all? -her eyes discovered Tim’s half assed project, on the place next to where Cissie sat.

If Cassie didn’t love her so much, she would punch her in the face.

Tim sighed.

-I can’t get up. I can’t feel my legs -he admitted. Cassie thinks, she should be worried. Losing sensibility seemed like a serious problem. But, whatever, Greta was here, and she was perfectly well rested. Let her take care of the worrying.

-Tim? Oh my god, are you alright? -she rushed to his side.

-I think the coffee stopped making effect, and my three-on-a-row all nighters caught up to me. Just let me die, Greta. If coffee is not longer working on my body, I might as well let the grim reaper do its thing. 

Cassie couldn’t see her any longer, since she was at her back by Tim’s side, but she could still somehow sense her concern growing.

-Tim... Did you use this bag by the coffee maker to brew it?

-I can’t move my head to look up at what you’re pointing, but I guess I did.

-Oh, honey… that is soil for Kon’s vegetable plot. Not coffee grounds.

-...so that’s why it tasted like dirt. Thank god. Excuse me while I faint.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

-I think Conner is dead on our living room -announced Miguel entering the kitchen. Slobo, Anita and Greta didn’t even blink, just kept their... poker? game going.

-He’s probably just sleeping -the other man waved a hand dismissively- Did you check his pulse or something?

-Ew, no. What if he’s really dead? I don’t want to touch a corpse. Greta, you go touch it.

-Why me? 

-If anyone will need to put their fingerprints in a veritable crime scene, who better than the only one with no criminal record?

-Tim doesn't have it either, go knock on his door and tell him to do it. I’m about to swindle both these jerks.

-There’s a difference between never getting caught by the police, and erasing all virtual proof of your crimes. Tim belongs to the second group. Also, last I checked, he and Bart were working on something on his room. I’m not approaching that danger zone without protective equipment.

-Speaking of -Slobo raised his head, looking around- has anyone bought them food in the last couple of hours?

-Kon, probably. 

-He is dead -he reminded them- Cassie and Cissie are still asleep, and I’m not waking them up. Greta?

Out of their group, Conner was Tim and Bart’s official handler (when Tim was not micromanaging them all, at least; little control freak).  Many people believed he lifted at the gym to get all the girls; in truth, as the boy had once told Miguel, it was so he could carry both his friends to bed in one trip to tuck them in at the same time, because if he did it separately, the one that got to be second always tried to make a run for it. 

In the event he was unavailable, Cassie took over. Her skills with a lasso and years of practice at the rodeo came in handy then, and it never failed to crack him up when he saw how swiftly she caught them both.

And if she wasn’t close or was busy, then Cissie took over for Bart and Greta for Tim, as they could only handle one at the time.

The rest of them were last resource. Second to last was Jason Todd, who as both Tim’s brother and Bart’s TA held a fair amount of power over them.

If Jason told them to fuck off, then Slobo, Miguel and Anita would talk it out among themselves. Slobo would suggest knocking them out. Which, considering Bart’s speed and Tim’s mindblowing ninja training (and where the hell did he learn that, they would never know), wasn’t a very realistic option. Anita suggested drugs; but between Bart’s ADHD medication and Tim’s antibiotics for his lack of spleen and antidepressants, the adverse effects made them all a little uncomfortable with the idea.

Miguel’s own suggestions, which involved a lot of tender care and coddling, where ignored with a few laughs and a shrug.

-Fuck you, I’m not leaving this table so close to cleaning you both up. If you are worried, you go feed them.

Slobo shrugged.

-If they die, I call Tim’s room. Having a roommate is the worst.

-Excuse you -raised an eyebrow Miguel, walking to the fridge for a drink. He might as well watch the game.

-If I have to listen to you practicing your singing before showering one more time...

-If I can deal with you cursing at your phone at five am, you can deal with my melodious voice -Miguel blinked- That’s not poker.

-We are playing Truco.

-What?

-It’s a popular game in Argentina, or so Tim said. He taught us when he was having a coffee break this morning. And by the way: Truco, bitches!

-I’m in! -Slobo yelled back.

Greta looked at her cards impassively, then at the ones laying on the table between the three of them, before raising an eyebrow- I call Re Truco.

Miguel watched them go for a while. He wasn’t sure on the rules, but from the way they kept yelling, he knew it was highly competitive. It also seemed to involve a great amount of deceit, bullshiting and being as poker faced as possible. It made sense that Tim had been the one introducing them to the game. Speaking of…

-Maybe if I knock on the door with a coffee offering, he’ll listen to me without punching my nose in? -he mumbled to himself, aware that the others were ignoring him. Decided to test his luck, he climbed to his feet and readied the coffee maker.

The rest of the afternoon saw Miguel sitting on Tim’s bed, watching from the sidelines how both he and Bart built… something. It had a chainsaw and a mini shield, so maybe a fighting bot? There were some (not very legal) competitions around campus...

It was almost dinner time when he remembered a tiny, small detail.

-Man, I’m so hungry. You guys think dinner is ready? -asked Bart, hand sweeping the sweat off his forehead- Who was in charge of it tonight?

Lightning-like realization hit Miguel.

-Oh, yeah, speaking of that… Kon was probably dead, last time I checked. Maybe we should order a pizza or something?

-Cool, I could do pizza. 

-I’m sorry, Kon was what?!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

-You guys need jobs -told them Tim one morning over breakfast. They had just moved in together, and classes were about to start. Nobody seemed willing to talk about responsibility yet, but he felt like they needed the push to do it.

-I have a job -proudly smiled Bart, eyes never leaving the TV where his character was beating Kon’s into a bloody plump. He didn’t elaborate past that, and Tim made a mental note to investigate further later. Bart’s career was enough, they needn't add another unsolved mystery.

-Where is this coming from, though? We have loads of time for that -scoffed Slobo, watching the game intently.

-Classes are starting soon, and people will be getting all the good jobs. I did some calculations, and the money you guys have been saving for living expenses will run out in two, three months tops. Greta has the coffee shop thing and Cassie just got called back from the movie theatre, but the rest of you need to find some money maker. Stat.

-And what about you? -threw Cissie back, internally agreeing with him but despising the reality check.

Tim looked at her, completely deadpan. Silently, he took out his wallet, fishing three cards (one silver, one golden and one black) from it and showing them to her.

-Even before being adopted by a billionaire, I already was a rich trust fund baby. And now that I’ve said it, I’m gonna avoid getting punched by making my exit. Good luck job hunting.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Cassie and Anita’s room was ground floor, along with the kitchen, living room, laundry area, a medium size bathroom with a shower, and a very small one with only the toilet and sink. The second floor housed Bart and Conner’s room, along with Miguel and Slobo’s, and Cissie and Greta’s, plus the biggest bathroom, with both a tub and shower. The attic had been claimed by Tim, who won that right by paying the deposit for the house on top of his part of the rent. It was the biggest room, the size of the entire house without partitions, with only one separation in the form of the small sized bathroom. He loved his room, would pay twice what he coughed up to have it. It was worth it, every cent.

He loved his attic; The bathroom, however, was another thing. It ran out of warm water constantly.

-This is the second time this month. I love you, but you aren’t burrowing our bath -denied Cissie firmly, arms crossed as she waited outside the door for Greta to finish her shower-. If it was any other day I’d say yes, you know I would, but you aren’t the only one that needs to get ready for the movie, and there’s six of us sharing here. Go ask the girls.

Defeated but understanding, he went another floor down, arms full with his skin and hair care products (he had a image to keep, and one never knew when paparazzi would be around; he and his brothers had a steady competition on who got caught in camera being a ugly mess the least, that he wasn’t willing to lose) and clean clothes. 

Anita shrugged when she opened the door, still naked except from her towel and hair dripping.

-Yeah, Cassie already took hers. Just remember to lock the door, dude. Since its ground floor bathroom, someone always tries to get in to pee when you’re showering, it’s annoying. Also, don’t come at me with complains about hair in the drain, okay? 

Thankful beyond caring, he nodded and hurried towards it.

He wasn’t expecting what he found there. Already halfway to the shower, he stopped to leave his folded clothes on top of the cabinet near the sink when he saw...

-Why are there weapons here? -he couldn't help but scream, clutching a towel to his naked chest. He felt distinctly like a victorian lady preserving her virtue from a foe. It was a very curious feeling.

-I said no judgements!! -Anita yelled back from across the hallway.

-Yeah, regarding hair on the floor! Nobody said anything about weapons!

-So I forgot my katana there after my shower, big deal. Just don’t fall on it, problem solved.

-No, I’m used to seeing your katana, but why the fuck do you girls have cat shaped brass knuckles?

-They are cute and useful! Aren’t you taking a shower, dude? The movie starts soon!

Deciding that this wasn't a battle worth picking, he turned on the warm water. Ahh, nice, wonderful hot water.

-Oh, Tim! -came Cassie’s yell- Don’t lock the door, forget what Anita said! I need to put on my make up and that mirror is better than the one in our room.

-I’m gonna be showering though.

-And?

Yeah, she had a point. Shrugging, he made sure the door was unlocked before stepping under the water and closing the curtain.

He heard her coming in and rummaging through one of the little bags he saw on the sink cabinet. He couldn't help but ask.

-Why do you guys keep weapons here?

-They are for when we are most vulnerable.

-With thighs like yours you’re never vulnerable.

-I love you. But just pretend I have noodle legs, for argument’s sake.

-Mkay. 

-Well, name one instance when you’re more weak and exposed than when you’re taking a shower.

-...Yeah, I follow. Still seems a bit excessive, but I do like that pointy needle thing you have by the blow dryer. I need to get my sister one of those, cute and deadly like her.

-That? Oh, honey, no, that’s a hair pin. 

-If you put your hair in a bun and use that as an ornament, you’d never be unarmed, that’s all I’m saying. Again, cute and deadly. 

-...You’ve opened my eyes.

-You’re welcome. May I borrow your eyeliner?

-Sure, but why? You don’t usually use makeup.

-If I make myself long enough wings, maybe I’ll be able to fly away from my problems. Or look fabulous enough to not care about them.

-In moments like this I’m reminded of my undying love for you. Do my eyes too.

-Gotcha.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

He came home five minutes after receiving the text, chest heaving from the run and heart beating furiously for a entirely different reason.

Cassie, phone at hand, was waiting by the door. Her eyes were solemn.

-What happened? -he asked, not bothering with niceties as he stepped in and closed the door behind him.

-Family dinner went wrong -she shrugged-, not that he told me. Bart was playing games when he walked in and he texted Jason, who told him, and then he came to me.

Fuck them, Kon thought uncharitably. The Waynes were both an awesome family, and boarding on toxic. Guessing which kind were they going to be any given week was like playing lottery. It was such a Murphy law thing that they went for shitty this particular weekend, where Tim could have used their love and support the most.

-How is Jason? -he asked, not that he cared too much, but because he knew Tim would want to know sooner or later.

-Bart didn’t say, but he did mention he was hanging out with Kori and Roy, and Artemis said in the family group chat to not bother her tonight, so I’m assuming she’s there too.

-Biz is still at the farm, but three is better than nothing -he sighed, taking off his coat and walking towards the stairs- Bart?

-He just convinced Tim to take a bath in the big tub, so he’s probably standing guard by the door.

A nod, Kon’s steps hurried with purpose now that he had a clear destination in mind.

-The others?

Cassie waved vaguely towards the arch on the wall leading to the living room. Kon could see someone moving there from the corner of his eye, but didn’t turn to check; he wouldn't be derailed from his path.

-Greta went to the attic to clean Tim’s room a bit. You know he doesn't have the strength to do it himself right now, but seeing it like that also makes him feel worse. Cissie and Anita are readying the living room for a movie night, picking up all the pillows and blankets in the house. A pillow fort might be in the making.

They were on the second floor now. Kon could see Bart ahead, back resting against the wall, just by the side of the door.

-Slobo ran to Tim’s favorite pizza place -Cassie kept going, keeping pace with him- and should be back soon; Miguel went to the store to buy comfort food, sweets and stuff. Ice cream too, probably.

Conner nodded again, glad to see everyone was following their protocol for these kind of situations. All their housemates accounted for, he stopped in front of Bart and patted his shoulder comfortingly. He was very empathetic, tended to pick up on everyone’s moods, specially Tim’s, and let himself be influenced by them. The shadows on his eyes were probably a mirror image of how their friend currently taking a bath was doing. Not so hot, apparently.

-I’ll take it from here, you guys go put on your pajamas and help the girls get everything ready -he suggested, eyes going to Cassie’s. She nodded, understanding that her mission now was to calm Bart down. Helping Anita and Cissie would do wonders for him.

On most situations, the group tended to follow Tim’s lead, their indisputable commander in chief; when he couldn’t be there, or was too emotionally compromised, Cassie would take over. However, in this particular scenario, everyone deferred to him for some reason. Maybe because he’s been with Tim for the longest time, maybe because he knew him best. It didn’t matter; all he cared about was that it made his work easier, and they seemed glad to have a task they could focus on, rather than dwelling in concern.

Softly, he rapped his knuckles against the door.

-Tim? I’m coming in, dude -he informed him, voice low as to not spook him if he was dissociating. The last they needed was him slipping in the shower.

When no answer came, he entered the steamy bathroom, door closing behind him. As Cassie had predicted, Tim was sitting in the almost full tub, knees hugged to his chest and chin resting above them. His eyes went to Conner when he approached him though, which was a good enough sign to make him visibly sigh in relief.

Tim’s eyes narrowed, as if he wanted to snap at him that he didn’t need them to take care of him, but then he just deflated and looked ahead again, not nearly strong enough to fight.

Knot growing on his chest, Kon sat by the tub’s edge- Hey there. You’re not looking very cool right now. Have I ever told you I despise like 66% of your family?

-Three out of six is not 66%.

-Three? I only like Alfred and Cass.

-You don’t dislike Jason.

-I mean, it varies from moment to moment. But I’ll give you that since you’re feeling bad, and concede on 50%.

Tim snorted a little, and his eyes didn’t look as dead as they had when Kon first came in, so he gave himself infinite Best Friend points.

-Want to talk about it? -he asked gently, hand on Tim’s wet shoulder. He felt more like saw him shrug.

-Nothing to tell, really… It was more of the same shit. I love them, but sometimes they…

-Don’t make it easy, huh?

-...yeah. I don’t even know why I’m so fucked up over it, I’m used to this.

Kon squeezed his shoulder- Your psychiatrist warned you, this week was gonna be tough even without the family drama.  Your body is adjusting to the new medication, and it…

-Yeah, yeah, I know -he sighs, sinking deeper into the water- I just… I just hate this. That my brain works like that, that I worry you all, that I can’t just fucking deal with it alone. You know what Jack used to say about mental illness…

-A stupid bastard’s words shouldn't be taken seriously. And you know we don’t like the J word in this house, it’s one of the rules.

Tim’s smile, small and tentative, was a thing of beauty. It never failed to remind Kon why he put so much effort into making the situation better for his friend, when he saw that it actually did help.

-You guys can’t just erase my father from my memory by sheer force of will and avoidance of the topic.

-Sure we can -he gave his shoulder a  light pat-. The boys will be here soon with food, and I heard a movie night is in order. You done with your bath? We could stay here longer if you want to, though.

Tim’s smile grew a little bit, cheeks warming, delighted despite himself at the love and care that was being bestowed upon him. Some time ago, he might have fought them over it; the progress was hard earned, but Kon wouldn't change a single thing about it.

-Yeah, I just have to put conditioner on and comb my hair -he hesitated a bit, glancing down at his arms hugging his legs and probably weighing their strength-. Could you, uh… do it for me?

Kon had already been reaching for the bottle even before he asked.

There was little he could do to help Tim, medical wise. But there were professionals for that, and after many late night talks and specially bad episodes, Tim had gotten better at seeking their help when needed.

What he could do was no less important, though; making sure their home was a safe, supportive, non-toxic place for him to come back to.

That’s what best friends-- what family was there for.

[whatcouldgowrong-ohthat]

Us and Andie Ch. 11

Summary: Bucky works as an Avenger because it’s what’s right. He feels he has sins he’ll never be able to make up for, but he’ll spend the rest of his life trying. However, his life takes an unexpected turn when he comes across Andie, the daughter of recently divorced Y/N. The life he had once “maintained” in hopes of surviving changes as his heart warms for a tough-as-nails nurse and her wonderful daughter.

Pairing: Bucky x Singleparent!Reader

Word Count: 3373 words

Series Masterlist - Masterlist

The swift click of the door unlocking was the only signal that Ethan had come home. The FoH rally had gone on longer than he anticipated, but he was finally ready to turn in for the night. There, on the couch, were his boys and wife fast asleep. The tv was still flashing with whatever cartoon the youngest had been interested in, but there was no sound. He smiled as he watched the three. His perfect family. An obedient wife, two normal boys – he had everything he could ever ask for. Except… He had to live with the constant reminder that his failed attempt was still out there somewhere.

Ethan walked throughout the rest of their home, easily finding his way to his office even with no light. He shrugged off his suit jacket, hanging it over the back of his chair.

It was then the light clicked on.

He straightened, keeping calm as he rolled up his sleeves. “Normally people leave messages if they’re trying to get ahold of me.” Walking around his desk, he finally took the moment to take in who his new guest was. He raised an eyebrow. “You’re the man who tried tearing apart the Avengers.” He smirked, a part of him wanting to ask how failure tasted.

“Helmut Zemo.” He leaned back, the file at his fingertips gently placed under the lamp. “I’m glad my reputation proceeds me in this case.”

“What can I do for you?”

“You’re Ethan Creed, correct?”

“If I said no, don’t you think this would be an awkward break in?” It seemed that was enough of a confirmation for Zemo. He opened the file, picking up a photo and turning it to Ethan. His whole body tensed when he recognized Y/N in the photos. Next to her was… “That’s her daughter?”

“According to genetics, she’s both of yours.”

Ethan shoved his hands in his pockets, his nails digging into his palms. Zemo could tell he’d pushed the right buttons. “And what’s your point?”

Zemo rose to his feet, picking up the file. He flicked photo after photo onto the desk, showing Ethan that Y/N and Andie had gained some rather impressive friends.

Sam…Steve…Natasha…Clint…Peter…Tony…Bruce… One by one, their faces flashed for the briefest moments, replaced by each other. Sometimes there were pairs, sometimes not. But the proof in this was unwavering. The last one that appeared didn’t have Andie anywhere in sight. It was Y/N and Bucky. At the store. Simple and sweet – they looked happy.

It made Ethan sick.

His fingers brushed that particular photo, eyes never wavering from Y/N’s beaming face. Looking up at Zemo, he asked, “Why are you here?”

“I am a firm believer that mistakes are opportunities to learn more. Though Stark forgave Barnes, Barnes never forgave himself. He has been clinging to his guilt like a toddler with their favorite toy.” He pointed to Andie and Y/N. “Until them. They have become his hope. His lifeline. And not only that, but in their time with the Avengers, they have become their favorite citizens.” Ethan was silent, listening and hanging on Zemo’s every word. “I wish to remind these “heroes” that nothing they do, no one they help, will ever outweigh their failures. But to accomplish this, I’m going to need your help.”

Ethan scoffed, shaking his head. “I have no interest in interfering with the Avengers.”

“Not even if it means ridding yourself of what you deem your biggest failure?”

In all reality, to turn a man against his daughter shouldn’t have been so easy. It almost made Zemo pity Andie. He would give anything to have his son and wife back and yet Ethan is all too ready to write off the ones he once had.

But when it was a means to an end, he could only allow himself to feel certain emotions. Glancing at Andie, he had come to the conclusion that pity was not one of them.

“It hurts,” she murmured, eyes fixated on the scenery passing by. Her foot was still bleeding, leaving him to assume that was what she was referring to. It was the only part of her that was injured.

“We’ll be there soon.”

Those were the only two words she said for the rest of the ride.

-.-.-.-

Y/N glanced out the window as the car came to a halt. Immediately her hand floor to the door handle, trying to open it. Quentin sighed, shaking his head. “Child lock, Y/N. Just…” He looked back at her. “Try to be calm, okay?”

Barely able to keep her voice from cracking, she asked, “Why are you doing this? I don’t know you.”

“No, you don’t. And I’m really sorry it has to be you. But unfortunately,” He shrugged. “Stark and his friends have taken a liking to you.”

He stepped out of the car, closing the door behind him as Y/N’s heart started hammering in her chest. Her whole body trembled, filled to the brim with fear. She was here because of the Avengers? The Avengers were supposed to help people. Protect them. And yet –

Y/N was jolted out of her thoughts, jumping in her seat when the door opened. Tears were in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall as Quentin offered a hand.

“I really don’t want to throw you around like a rag doll, so I would greatly appreciate you behaving.”

Y/N grit her teeth, a tremor running through her body as the chill of the night air brushed her bare arms. She took his offered hand, stepping out of the vehicle and looking around. They were outside an abandoned building and she could faintly make out the faded “Stark” painted on the side.

“One of Tony’s old buildings?” She turned to Quentin, but her eyes took in everywhere around them. It was a field with a tree line not too far off. Just on the other side, she could make out the dim lights that came from the highway. They were a long way from the city.

“Howard’s actually.” Quentin’s hand found her bicep, pulling her along. She stumbled, now loathing the ridiculous heels she was wearing. There was once a time when she could have run in heels, but she was far too out of practice to attempt it now. So she let him lead the way.

“Where’s my daughter?” She studied him, wondering if Quentin felt any guilt for this before realizing he probably didn’t. He probably didn’t give two fucking shits. Why would he? The whole point of this night was unfolding right before her eyes.

But as angry as she was, she found herself a little satisfied with how genuinely surprised he was. “How did you – “

“I saw your text.” She ignored the goosebumps on her arms, the tremble to her voice, and the fact that she probably had tear streaks on her cheeks. All she cared about was Andie. “You could at least tell me.”

Quentin shrugged, opening the door and pulling her inside. The door clanged shut, making her jump again. It seemed every moment she looked a little more scared made Quentin feel more satisfied. “She’s on her way.”

He released her, shoving her ahead. She stumbled, barely catching herself as her shoulder slammed into a column. Taking a sharp breath, she tried to ignore the dull ache and the fact that she would certainly have a bruise. Instead, she focused on the sound of the door opening again. She looked over her shoulder.

Andie?

No.

Y/N stood straight when she saw Ethan stepping inside. He was alone, tossing something and catching it repeatedly. It was too small for her to make out whatever it could possibly be, but the satisfied look on his face made her feel impossibly colder. Her shoulders slumped, dread wrapping itself around her and squeezing just a little too tight. “Ethan,” she barely withheld the fresh tears wanting to fall. “Why are you doing this?”

He walked closer, a part of him hoping Y/N’s fear would make her stumble back, show she was still weaker than him. But she didn’t. She held her ground, tilting her chin up and holding his gaze. Even with her fear, she found a way to be so damn strong.

It infuriated him.

Catching the object, Antman’s suit, once again, he tossed it to Quentin. “You’ll be needing that,” he told him before focusing on Y/N. The look on his face was etched in pity and disgust, a look she had seen time and time again. At least that was familiar enough. Sighing softly, Ethan told her, “Because I have the perfect life with Lori and the boys. And I have no interest in being part of a world where you and your mutant were ever considered my family.”

He turned on his heel, knowing he needed to call Zemo, check on his status. What he hadn’t expected was for Y/N to tell him, “That won’t ever change.” He faltered, pausing in his steps, but his back remained to her. She scoffed, shaking her head. “You can do whatever you want, but congratulations, Ethan. We were your family. And it sickens me as much as it sickens you.”

She hadn’t seen him move, instead enjoying the one moment where she had finally been as blatantly honest with him as he was constantly being with her. When she turned to face him once again – she didn’t see him strike her.

But she felt it.

She heard Quentin ask if it was necessary.

She felt her feet stumble back, teetering on heels.

She heard Ethan’s voice, but his words were a muffled blur.

She felt her feet give out from under her.

And she saw everything go black.

-.-.-.-

Bucky found himself more and more confused as they drove outside the city. He had no idea where they were going. At first it was almost unnerving how they were heading towards the compound. The balls Zemo had to have to pull such a stunt was insane. However, that frustration dwindled when they took an exit and headed farther away from both the city and the compound.

He didn’t want to risk arriving wherever before he had a chance to get Andie away from Zemo. Normally he wouldn’t think twice about being able to take a man like him down – but Zemo had been patient. He’d taken his time and snuck out when it suited him most.

Bucky refused to see him slip out with Andie and Y/N.

“Bucky?”

The sound of Sam’s voice on the comm in the helmet irritated him to no end. “What?” he asked, knowing they could hear him despite the roar of his motorcycle.

“We’re behind you. I’m asking you to not engage alone.”

It was Steve’s voice then. “I already told you, Steve – “

“I know. But this isn’t just about you. Beck, Creed, Zemo – they’re targeting Y/N and Andie to get to us. The team.”

“And that’s our fault.”

Silence.

The car ahead took an exit on a long dirt road. Bucky pulled off on the side of the highway, watching through the trees. Whatever road this was – he guessed it was leading to the back entrance.

“Bucky…”

“It’s our fault they’re in this, Steve.”

“I understand that.”

Bucky whipped his head around, surprised when he saw Steve approaching. He’d been running. “How – “

“Sam’s going ahead. We parked about a mile back so Zemo wouldn’t notice.”

Bucky didn’t say anything. Instead he took off his helmet and got off the bike, looking back through the trees. He didn’t pay attention to Steve coming up behind her, instead letting his oldest friend rest a hand on his shoulder. “We don’t trade lives, Buck. We’re going to get them back. I promise.”

-.-.-.-

“This is a really bad idea,” Sam muttered from his spot at the top of the warehouse. He was careful, keeping his footsteps light and body low.

“No one asked for your opinion, Birdbrain.”

“Still giving it.” He watched as Zemo got out of the car and pulled Andie out. She limped, favoring her left leg and Sam immediately saw the blood hit the ground. “Steve, Andie’s foot looks real bad from up here.”

“Eyes on Y/N yet?”

“No, she’s – Wait.” He saw Quentin and Ethan coming out of the building, approaching the two. Andie immediately hid behind Zemo and the sight made Sam squeeze his eyes shut. The fact that she felt safest with him in that moment…There was so much wrong with that. He took a couple steps back, telling Steve and Bucky over the comms, “I can make a move.”

Sam peeked through the filthy excuse of a ceiling window. He saw Y/N lying on the ground and immediately guilt hit him hard. He remembered when he had offered for them to take care of Andie. They promised to protect her. Protect them both. They had taken Y/N’s trust and, in that moment, he knew they failed her and Andie.

And now seeing Bucky struggle made so much more sense.

“We have eyes on Andie. Go. Now.”

Sam didn’t need to be told twice. He dropped inside the window, the glass shattering and falling around.

It was the distraction they needed.

Zemo and Ethan looked up to the roof. Ethan immediately ran inside as Zemo went to grab Andie. He turned as she stumbled back. “Andie, come here.”

Andie shook her head and took off running towards the field. Zemo tensed, a crack appearing in his overly calm façade. He pulled out his gun, refusing to kill her yet. Just maim for the time being. And the way her skin shimmered? She was impossible to lose.

Andie cried out as she fell forward, her foot unable to carry her anymore. Tears streamed down her face, sobs raking through her chest. She remembered the gun. Remembered how calm Zemo had been on the roof. The rainbow-like sparkle that continued shimmering over her skin was like a silent alarm for for Zemo to constantly have eyes on her. In that moment, she hated being a mutant more than ever.

She looked back, eyes meeting his. Still so calm.

And he aimed for her leg.

Andie jerked into a small ball, waiting for the sound of the gun.

But it never came.

Instead, she heard something else. The sound of vibranium flying. She looked up, catching glimpses of the parts of her body that had turned invisible, but not bothering to pay attention. Her gaze was fixated on Zemo stumbling back as Steve caught his shield.

She whispered the smallest, “Steve?”

“Andie!”

The sound of her name and heavy footsteps earned more panic, forcing Andie to curl into a ball again. She tensed when she felt warmth near her, still not risking looking up. When she felt a hand on her back, she jerked, small fists flying in an attempt to strike at anything. “Let me go! Leave me alone! I just want my mom!” Tears streamed down her face, her terrified mind not even registering the metal hand at her back.

It wasn’t until she was pulled into a tight hug, her head cradled between a firm chest and warm hand, that Andie tried fighting back. Her fists kept beating, hitting his chest and shoulders– still desperately trying to get away from another lie. “I want my mom! Where – Where’s my mom?”

Tears stained the shirt she had been wearing as he caught her hands in his, pulling her close. He gently released her, stroking her hair gently. “Shh, shh, Andie, it’s okay,” he whispered. Her much smaller hands clung to his shirt as he kept his hands wrapped firmly around her. “It’s okay.” He lightly stroked her back, not even realizing he was crying as well.

“Bucky?” Her small, stuttering voice broke through his chest. Leaning back, he brushed her hair out of her face, searching for any injuries that they had not been aware of before. “B – Bucky?”

He nodded, offering a tear-filled smile. “Hey.”

She hit his chest, brow furrowing as tears streamed harder down her face. “You left! You just left! You – “ A sob broke through her chest and he hugged her tightly. “You left us…”

Bucky cradled her in his arms. “I’m sorry. I won’t leave you again.” The sound of a gunshot made him look up, tightening his grip on her and refusing to let her look up. He saw Steve stumble – shot in his thigh before Zemo was running inside.

“Bucky!” Sam’s voice. “Steve! Somebody, I need help in here!”

Bucky clenched his jaw, glancing at Steve. “Steve’s down. Give me a sec.” Looking down at Andie, he brushed her hair back and kissed her forehead. “Andie, I promise I will be right back. I need to go help Sam and your mom, okay?” Andie clung to him, more tears threatening to fall. Her grip only loosened whenever she realized it was to help her mom. She nodded, dropping her hands as Bucky told her, “Stay right here.”

He rose to his feet and took off running to the warehouse, unaware of Andie’s shimmering skin. Completely unaware of her turning invisible.

And without a clue that she was right behind him.

-

The sound of glass crunching, people shouting, and a very familiar set of wings cut through the ringing in her ears. Y/N woke to a pounding in her head, her vision slowly coming back to her. She saw the shattered glass around her. There were the smallest cuts on her arms, and she was sure there were some on her face. Shifting slightly, the crunching against her hands earned a small wince.

Everything felt slow.

“Get up.”

Y/N stumbled as a hand grabbed her bicep, forcing her to her feet. She looked up. Her eyes were barely able to focus on Sam fighting…nothing? Her free hand brushed the focus of her pain on her head. Wet. Pulling her fingers away, she saw blood. Great.

“Time to go, sweetheart.” Ethan. She felt another hand grab around her arm. It was firm, but not digging in like Ethan’s.

Y/n tried tugging herself free as she was pulled to the opposite side of the warehouse. “S-Sam,” she murmured, head still pounding, body still woozy. “He’s…”

“God, you’re such a pain in the ass.” Ethan jerked her close, earning a sharp cry from Y/N as Zemo opened the door to their escape.

Sam grunted as he collided into the wall of the warehouse. He really hated that fucking Antman costume. “Quentin, get out of my suit!” His wings took off again, flying him through the glass ceiling as the door was kicked open.

Bucky raised his gun, aiming for Ethan.

“Looks like you finally decided to make your appearance, Soldat,” Zemo sneered, calm voice sending a chill down Y/N’s spine.

“Let her go. Now.”

Zemo smirked, watching Bucky like a hawk. He raised his own weapon, pressing the barrel to Y/N’s temple. She whimpered, squeezing her eyes shut. Zemo’s eyes flashed when he saw Bucky waver. “Ethan, go. Find the girl.”

Ethan glanced at Zemo, not needing to be told twice. He slipped out the back door as Zemo dug the gun into the back of her head. “Tell me, Soldat…” Zemo’s curiosity laced his voice as he stepped closer. “How far do you think I’m willing to go to remind you and your fellow heroes that you are the very thing you loathe?”

“Zemo,” Bucky said, trying to keep his voice calm. His eyes flickered to Y/N who was now watching him. “Ethan’s not going to find Andie. She’s safe now.”

“Then your team will have to live with the dread that someday she won’t be. You will not always be able to protect her.” Pushing Y/N forward, she stumbled and fell to her knees, closer to him than Bucky.

She whispered, “Bucky?”

Bucky shifted his gaze from Zemo to Y/N, silently begging her to believe in him. “It’s going to be okay, Y/N. I promise.”

Bucky pulled the trigger just as Zemo did, the sound of two gunshots tearing through the air.

One for Zemo.

One for Y/N.

Bucky’s connected with Zemo’s shoulder, tearing straight through.

But Zemo’s connected with --

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

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