#i think with one chance i could change his life.

[morallyinept]

Adrift With You - A Frankie Morales Series - Chapter 19

Summary: Heading away on a work re-location, Frankie embarks on a flight, but unbeknownst to him, his life is about to change forever. For starters, he will need to fight for it; harder than he's ever fought for anything else before.

Marooned on an isolated island in the middle of the ocean, still recovering from an addiction, his chances of survival are bleak; but he’s not alone on the island, and soon he’s running towards a different kind of life - a life with fellow survivor, Jude, fighting right beside him every step of the way.

And if they can both survive the island together, they can survive anything, right?

Pairing: Frankie Morales x OFC Jude

Chapter word count: 7.3k

SERIES MASTERLIST | MAIN MASTERLIST

☝🏻See Series Masterlist for full smut warnings & triggers in this story. Chapters that contain smut or triggers will be highlighted in the chapter notes below. 👇🏻

Chapter notes: Frankie takes a brave step and Jude suspects Frankie is keeping something from her. Chapter contains smut.

Enjoy! 🖤

Chapter 18

Before the crash…

“Hola, hermanita. (Little sister) Hey. I need to talk to you. It's... important. Yeah, I'm okay. Well, kinda. I just... I just found out I'm pregnant… Ya sé, noticias grandes. (I know, big news) Yeah, I’m positive… It's positive! There are two lines, I’m staring right at it now…

"Shit, I don’t know what to do. Dios mío, no sé qué hacer. (God help me, I don’t know what to do) I just… Yeah. I know… I... I don't think now is the right time to tell him. Things have been so strained between us lately. I don’t even know if we… if we’re going to make it… No, I know it’s stupid, but I just feel… I’m losing him… No, I am. He-He’s not been the same since the overdose, and I-I don’t know if I can go through that again… I don’t think I could bring a baby into that situation either, right?

"I just don't know how he'll react. What if he doesn't want this? What if he leaves?... Maybe it would be too much for him, right? He needs to get better and a baby would just mess all that up!… I'm so scared, what do I do, hermanita?... Yeah, I know I have options, but, I can’t- that’s not… wait. Listen, I have to go. He's just got home. I'll call you later, okay? Kiss abuela for me...” (grandma)

Carla ends the call and quickly slips her phone into her pocket, standing up. She glances her weary and pallid reflection in the mirror and wipes under her mascara heavy eyes.

She can hear Frankie in the kitchen and pauses at the bathroom door, taking a deep breath in. 

She can still smell it as she breathes, the harsh, sterile smell of hospital disinfectant. Can hear the steady beep of the heart monitor pulse in her ears, a rhythmic reminder of his fragile state.

She tries not to see it but it barges its way in, haunting her all over again. 

Frankie lying unconscious, his face pale and gaunt, a stark contrast to the vibrant man she’d once known and fallen in love with. She reaches out, her fingers gently brushing against his hand, cold and unresponsive.

Tears well up in her eyes as she takes in the sight of him, hooked up to tubes and machines. It’s a scene she’d dreaded, one that she’d feared might become a reality ever since she’d learned about his struggle with addiction. But seeing it, the reality was more crushing than she could’ve imagined.

She’d been at work when she received the call from Will. The rush to the hospital, the panic, the fear - it all felt like a blur now. 

But the image of him, lying motionless on that bed, was seared into her mind forever. Carla had thought they were making progress, that he was getting better. But the overdose had shattered that illusion, bringing her crashing back to the harsh reality of his addiction - he would never get better, not really. Sure, there would be bouts of time where he would be sober, but that fear of him relapsing would always be there. A shadow lingering behind her back waiting. 

How could she bring a baby into that chaos? How could she raise a child when the father was fighting a battle that could end in a quick moment? 

“Estoy en la cocina," (I’m in the kitchen) Frankie calls up, his voice carrying up the stairs.

She can feel the distance between them, the unspoken words hanging in the air like a dark cloud. The weight of her discovery presses down on her, but she pushes it aside, hiding the test and focusing on the moment at hand. 

Whatever happens next, Carla’ll face it - she has to.

Present day…

He’s been standing there for what feels like hours, gathering the courage to move forward.

The air is thick with the scents of an early summer - saltwater from the nearby Gulf, blooming magnolias, and the faint tang of spiced seafood that consummates in the Floridian air - but to Frankie, it carries an undercurrent of fear and regret.

The small house, with its open windows, cracked awning and the heavy silence from inside, seems to pulse with a heartbeat that mirrors his own anxious rhythm.

His heart is racing and palms feel slick with sweat. The sun casts a warm glow over the neighbourhood, but Frankie only feels the cold bite of anxiety.

The island has stripped him to his core, forcing him to confront his darkest fears and deepest cravings. Yet the challenges of survival seem minor compared to the emotional ordeal he’s about to face.

The world around him seems to blur, the house and suburban street dissolving into a stark, unforgiving landscape. Finding himself back on the island, the relentless sun beating down on him, the smell of salt and decay in the air, he sees himself at his lowest, shaking and sweating as the need for cocaine claws voraciously at his mind.

The sunlight casts clear, sharp shadows that seem to dance and mock his hesitation. He takes a deep breath, feeling the warm air fill his cracked lungs, and forces his feet to move.

He climbs the tiny, singular step up to the door, a mountain that seems impossible to peak, yet fighting the battle against the urge to turn and run. 

Frankie raises his hand to knock but freezes, his fist inches from the wood. He lowers his hand and stares at the swirling grain, feeling the crushing weight of his doubts. The sunlight seems to swamp closer, the whispers growing louder.

He closes his eyes, summoning the strength he’d found on the island, the resilience that had kept him alive. He drifts to Jude, her unwavering support, and the love they’d discovered amidst the chaos. He thinks of how she’ll take this news, her face twisting into bitter disappointment.

He thinks of the promise he’d made to be a better man. But not even Jude's strength could protect her from the island's cruel whims. He remembers the day she lost their baby, an event that shattered them both and still continues to do so in some twisted way, giving him a chance at parenthood when it was ripped from her. The grief and helplessness had been overwhelming, a pain deeper than any he’d ever known.

Frankie clenches his fists, digging his blunt nails into his palms until the sharp pain grounds him in the present. He can't afford to be weak, not now. 

With a final, resolute breath, Frankie knocks on the door. The sound deafening on a quiet day. The seconds stretch into an eternity. Then, the door creaks open, fluttery eyelashes greet him and that familiar tinny jangle from her wrist fills his ears. 

“Hey,” he all but croaks. 

“Es bueno verte de nuevo." (It’s good to see you again.) Carla smiles thinly. 

A small crook of his lips under the shadow of his cap convinces her of the same, as she steps aside, the scent of him flouts itself so uncouthly as he passes her. 

Her expression is a mix of surprise and guarded hope, and despite the small amount of time that’s passed them - what’s in a year? - she looks worn and tired around her almond eyes that used to be buoyant and keep him afloat. 

“We’ll need to be quiet, he’s sleeping,” she murmurs as Frankie follows her to the kitchen, pausing momentarily to glance upward at the stairs. 

“You want some coffee?” She asks casually as he sets himself down at the table. 

“Uh, yeah.” He says, as he spies piles of folded baby clothes in a basket on the floor by the dryer. 

His fingers wrap around a warm cup of coffee and Carla sits across from him, her hands cradling her own mug, her eyes studying him with a mixture of curiosity and caution.

The silence between them is palpable, punctuated only by the distant hum of the refrigerator and the occasional creak of the house settling. Frankie's gaze drifts to the ceiling, imagining the tiny form of his child asleep up there.

The thought sends a shiver down his spine, a potent mix of fear and anticipation as it bottoms out in his gut. 

Frankie takes a tentative sip of his coffee, the bitter warmth grounding him momentarily as it scalds his lips. He glances at Carla, noticing the subtle changes in her face - the faint lines of worry and the traces of sleepless nights scattered purple and weary in her sockets.

He wants to ask her so many things, to understand what she’s gone through in his absence, but the words feel trapped in his throat, heavy and cumbersome to swallow down or bring up. He wants to ask her the whys and hows, but he knows it’s fruitless. The stark reality is here and he has to face it head on, whether he likes it or not. 

"How’ve you been?" Carla finally breaks the silence, her voice gentle but probing. 

Frankie hesitates, searching for an honest answer. "It's been... hard," he admits, his voice barely above a whisper. 

“Of course it has, shit. Lo siento, that was stupid. I can't even imagine," she says, her eyes reflecting a deep empathy. (I’m sorry)

He looks down at his hands, the coffee cup trembling slightly in them. The ripples in the dark liquid remind him of the waves that had battered the island's shores, each one a reminder of nature's unyielding power and him being nothing but a slave to it.

The rhythmic crash of the waves echo in his mind. The sensation of being adrift, caught between the past and the present, consumes him for a few moments.

He sees Jude, her face etched with pain, as they bury their hopes and dreams in the sand. The ocean had seemed both a barrier and a saviour, holding them captive, yet offering a taunting promise of escape.

Frankie can feel the rough texture of the island's ground beneath the hardened-over skin on the balls of his feet, and smell the brine in the air. The tremor in his hands grows stronger, the coffee sloshing precariously close to the rim of the cup.

"Are you okay?" Carla’s voice cuts through the fog of his thoughts, pulling him back to the shores of the present.

She reaches out, placing her hand tentatively over his, steadying the trembling cup. 

"I'm... I'm fine. How are you? I mean, how-”

She sighs and settles back into her chair, taking the once familiar and comforting touch with her. “I was planning on telling you, but… we ended, and then the plane and-”

“Yeah.” Frankie nods, averting his gaze.

“I just couldn’t believe it when Benny told me you called him. That you were alive.”

“I still can’t believe it myself.” He runs his hand around his neck, feeling the ribbing of the scars that mottle there. It’s all too real and visceral. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

He closes his eyes, but the darkness behind his eyelids only intensifies the sensation.

He sees the plane crash in vivid detail - relives through the moment of impact, the chaos, the feeling of helplessness as he struggled for breath in the water.

“Can we talk about… the baby?” He says, hesitating. 

Caral nods and begins to tell him everything. How it had been a week since she and Frankie had broken up, a painful but necessary decision given his ongoing struggles with addiction, and the fact he was adamant it was over, even if she would’ve fought for him.

She was pleased he was getting help and had Eddie to guide him, but he was still pulling away. She was trying to move on, to rebuild her life piece by piece without him, moving in with her sister across town.

A news alert had popped up on her screen on that fateful day: Plane Missing Over the Pacific. She’d skimmed the headline, feeling a pang of sadness for the people involved but not thinking much of it. Plane crashes were tragic, but they were also rare, distant events - stories that happened to other people.

She’d put her phone down and went about her day, trying to keep herself busy and weighing up her options about the pregnancy the more she discussed it with her sister. As much as she didn’t want to consider it, her mind swayed into confusing and guilt heavy thoughts of a possible termination. 

It wasn't until late afternoon that her phone had rung. The caller ID showed it was Will, one of Frankie's closest friends, or at least before he’d pushed them all away. She’d hesitated for a moment before answering, a knot forming in her stomach. Perhaps he was calling because he’d heard about the split. But then as he spoke down the line, Carla’s world had stopped turning.

The kitchen seemed to spin around her, and she’d gripped the edge of the table to steady herself. She doesn't remember much after that. The hours and days, and soon months that followed Frankie’s disappearance were a blur of emotions - fear, hope, guilt, and overwhelming sorrow.

Each passing minute that Frankie was gone and wasn’t coming back, felt like an eternity. She’d thought about their last conversation, the pain and frustration that had driven them apart. She’d hoped that some time apart would help Frankie find his way back to sobriety - and to her - but the longer time wedged itself in, she feared that time had finally run out. The thought of him out there, somewhere, possibly hurt or indeed dead, was unbearable. 

She hadn't told him about the pregnancy, unsure if it was the right thing to do, but then her mind had been made up after the funeral - she’d raise their son alone, a last connection to Frankie and allow him to live on, for everyone that would miss him. 

His addiction had always been a constant shadow over their relationship, and Frankie feels the grip of culpability as he thinks about the pain he’s caused her as she speaks. She’d stood by him, supporting him even when things seemed hopeless.

Carla had loved him deeply, but his demons had often gotten in the way. He realises how much she’s endured, and it makes him admire her even more. She’s strong, resilient, and compassionate - qualities that had drawn him to her sparkle in the first place.

"Carla. I'm so sorry for everything," Frankie says, his voice trembling. "I-I know I messed up before, but I wanna make things right.”

Carla’s eyes shimmer with unshed tears. "Francisco,” she only uses his full name when she’s serious, he notes, “the fact that you're here, willing to try, means more than you know. I know you’ve been through a lot, and I know this has come as a shock. No es así como quería que esto fuera. But we'll take it one step at a time. He’s your son, and he deserves to know his father." (It’s not how I wanted this to go)

Frankie nods, feeling a tendril of hope unfurl from a tight bud somewhere inside of him.

“But…” Carla begins, “you have to stay clean. That’s the condition. You can spend as much time with him as you want, I won’t get in the way of that. But if you can’t… then you won’t be allowed to-”

“I know.” Frankie swallows thickly and holds her eyes. “I won’t let him down.”

And he believes those words as they crawl out from under his tongue. He wants to believe them so badly. The feeling of worry is an opaque heavy fog, seeping into every corner of his consciousness. It’s a weight pressing down on his chest, making it hard to breathe.

Carla nods, picking up her mug. His thoughts drift, unfocused and chaotic. Images of the past few months playing out in a disjointed sequence - Jude’s face etched with concern, the eerie quiet of the island at night, the baby boy he has yet to meet.

“Can I see him?” The words feel alien as they pour out of his mouth. 

“Are you ready for that?” Carla asks, scrutinising him carefully.

“Honestly, no.” Frankie takes off his cap and runs his hand through his mussed curls.

She remembers the feel of them, sliding through her own digits once upon a time.

“I’m fuckin’ terrified.” He admits timidly as he puts his trusty cap back on his head. “I just... I want to be a good father," he confesses, his voice tinged with bubbling emotion. 

“You're not alone in this, Frankie," she says, firmly.

"Gracias," he murmurs sincerely. "For giving me a chance. I know I don’t deserve it, especially from you.”

"I loved you Frankie, it is what is, I guess."

She wipes her eyes and looks away momentarily. They sit in silence, the weight of their conversation hanging between them until she looks at him again and smiles softly. 

“Come on.” Carla sways as she stands. 

Frankie’s gaze falls upon the crib, where his baby boy lays asleep, his tiny chest rising and falling with each peaceful breath.

Frankie's breath catches in his throat, and he feels a rush of emotions he can't quite name. The baby is perfect. Fine wisps of dark hair crowns his head, and his chubby cheeks are flushed with the warmth of sleep. Frankie approaches the crib hesitantly, his hands trembling uncontrollably. 

“It’s okay,” Carla whispers, encouraging him. “He’ll sleep through anything.” 

He leans over the crib, watching his son with wide, tear-filled eyes. The baby's tiny hands are curled into soft fists, and his mouth moves slightly as he dreams.

Frankie marvels at the delicate features, the smallness and fragility of him. He feels an almost physical ache in his chest, a swell of something so intense it’s almost painful and he struggles to breathe through it.

The enormity of it all hits him - he’s a father. He has a son. This little boy is a part of him, a piece of his heart made flesh. Frankie feels a surge of pride, but it’s quickly followed by a salty tasting wave of crushing fear.

“How do I do this?” He murmurs.

Carla steps beside him. “You be there.” She says as if it's simple, and of course it is. Such a simple, yet daunting thing. 

Frankie’s brows furrow with uncertainty. He wants to understand, to grasp the simplicity she speaks of, yet it feels elusive, intangible.

"Be there." He repeats, exhaling slowly, the tension in his shoulders easing slightly.

The concept seems deceptively straightforward yet filled with profound implications. The ease of being present is daunting, a responsibility he isn't sure he’s fully prepared for. Thoughts race through his mind, a jumble of plans and uncertainties. 

Carla squeezes his shoulder gently, her touch grounding him in the moment.

He reaches out, gently brushing his fingertips against the baby's soft hand. The warmth of the sensation sends a shiver through him, and he swallows hard, trying to keep his emotions in check. It’s all too much. 

“What’s his name?” Frankie asks softly.

The baby stirs slightly, his tiny hand curling around Frankie's finger in his sleep. He lets out a shaky breath, his legs feeling like they might collapse under him at any moment.

“Frankie.” Carla replies. 

The absence of him is growing, mutating, and it’s been so hard to get through the days without him. 

Jude can’t sleep; tossing and lying awake for hours staring up at the ceiling and at the empty spot in her bed where Frankie ought to be; his long limbs wrapping around her like a spider devouring its prey.

The heavy bouts of tiredness have seemed to appear out of nowhere over the passing days, evidently the effects of arduous life on the island catching up with her. But it’s not enough to keep her still; she’s undeniably restless.

There’s something ansty picking at her scalp, gnarled fingers raking at the soft flumpy jelly of her brain. She can’t put her finger on it, perhaps it’s the stupid self-imposed distance she’d put between them. Her insistence that they sort their lives out individually, when all she wants to do is spend every waking moment in Frankie’s arms. 

Since their departure, watching him drive away, each time Jude had closed her eyes, the vivid images of the tsunami rising on the horizon flashed through her frontal lobe, keeping her tense and wrought.

To add to that, she’d be accosted outside her parent’s house during her comings and goings to the point that that she soon had to fight her way through the small crowd of paparazzi expanding as the days wore on; hounding her as soon as she stepped foot out of the front door to tend to piecing her life back together again. 

“Please, leave me alone,” she’d say to them as they crowded her until she got into her car and drove away, fraught and wrangled at their infecting presence now in her life.  

At night the news broadcasts would still replay the moment they came through the arrivals together at JFK; Frankie clutching his arm around her and holding her tightly against his body whilst she shut her eyes and got through it.

She would watch it over and over like a zombie, unable to look away. Remembering how those arms felt around her and how much she missed them. 

Life back here was hard, and Jude found herself missing the peace on the island, closing her eyes and breathing in deeply to calm herself, imagining she could hear the crash of the waves rolling up on the beach, the water splashing over her ankles and knees.

Headlines didn’t exist on the island, in fact nothing did. Just her and Frankie existed in their own confined and safe bubble away from the brutish realities that life harboured. Life that she’d been so desperate to get back to at one point, but now that she’s here, living in it, it’s just... well, it’s not like Jude remembered at all. 

She’d reach for her phone and scroll through, searching for sounds of the ocean waves. Pressing play she’d slouch back into the pillow as the familiar, comforting sounds of the waves filled her room and she could finally sleep for a while.

But it wasn’t enough to quell that irritating picking. 

One night she’d decided to get up, and soon found that she was running, in the middle of the night. Running until she was exhausted and her legs were screaming at her to stop. 

Jude had eventually stopped, miles from home and threw up on the sidewalk; choking on catching her breath through the heaving, and it tasted like putrid sea water.

She’d cough it up, plumes of it coming out of her and swirling around her feet as she stood horrified, zoning out at the waking nightmare that seemed to plague her. Feeling as real as the water sinking into her sneakers.

The lumpy puddle of vomit stared back at her as she calmed her mind, trying to convince herself it wasn’t real.

It’s not real... you’re home now, you’re safe. 

But home was strange, unsettling the way the city skyline twinkled in the distance, the towering buildings looking like giants against the backdrop of the dark sky. The sight should have brought comfort, a sense of familiarity and security. Instead, it only heightened Jude’s unease. The vastness of the urban landscape stretched out before her, a stark contrast to the confined space of the island that had been her world for so long.

Jude had proceeded to walk home in the breaking dawn and the sun was almost fully up by the time she’d stepped through the door. Her parents regarded her with an anxious look at the early hour, and Jude brushed it off to them that she was fine. 

But the trend had continued every night; Jude would get up and run.

She would run until her body was on the verge of collapse, her feet bloody with blisters, and then when she would return home, she would pass out from exhaustion and sleep for only a few hours until the nightmares began to resurface again. She’d ply herself with coffee to stay awake, anything to not go there, and the cycle would repeat itself. 

The one thing that was getting her through was the thought of seeing Frankie again.

And on the same evening after Frankie had seen his son for the first time, he and Jude are indeed talking on the phone, confirming the final details for his visit.

Jude feels instantly relaxed when she hears Frankie speak or breathe or chuckle down the line. Like every plague of angst swilling around her is instantly washed away.

But there’s something in his voice, a slight hesitation, a dimming of the light. Something she can’t put her finger on, so she changes the subject. 

“There’s been a few members of the press hanging outside the house.” Jude almost whispers.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I guess they’ve figured out where I live.” She sighs. “They won’t leave me alone.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Frankie enquires, his voice changing further down the line.

“What can you do about it?”

“Well...” he trails off, “nothing, I guess, but that’s not the fuckin’ point.” He bites down on his lip. “Maybe it might be good to tell our story. Maybe it might offer some closure?”

“Closure?” Jude baulks.

“Yeah. I think we kinda need it,” he pauses. 

“Mom says I should talk to someone, a therapist.” Jude says quietly.

She knows her mother means well, always the pragmatic voice of reason in their tiny family. But the suggestion stings somewhat, reopening wounds Jude is trying to bury. But in the back of her mind, perhaps that’s what the prickling is.

Frankie frowns. “You can talk to me, y’know.”

“I know I can. I keep having nightmares. It’s like I can’t get it outta my head, you know? It’s keeping me awake at night, the insomnia is pretty bleak right now.” She looks down at her blistered feet and winces.

Frankie goes quiet on the phone. He remembers all the times the sea water has chased and tried to drown him too.

“I hate knowing that you can’t sleep.” Frankie remarks sourly.

“It’ll be better when you’re here tomorrow. I miss you so much.” Jude says, her voice going quiet. 

“I miss you too, hermosa.” 

“I gotta tell you something… I bumped into Nate.” She waits when there’s an obvious pause on the line. She hears him take in a slow, steady breath. 

“You did?” Frankie asks, freezing on the spot.

“Yeah.”

“Well, tell me what happened, what did he say?”

“Nothing much, same old Nate. He seemed convinced that we could get back together.” She snorts in repugnance.

“I see.” Frankie hums quietly.

“Frankie?”

“Yeah?”

“You have nothing to worry about. I love you. I told Nate he didn’t stand a chance and that I didn’t want to see him ever again.”

“Kinda hard when he lives in your fuckin’ neighbourhood.” Frankie bites.

“Frankie-”

“Yeah, I know, sorry.”

“You okay? You seem distracted?” 

He sighs hard down the line, running a hand through his hair. He knows he’s being guarded, but he can’t help it. The events of the past year, hell the past day, have left him with walls he doesn’t know how to dismantle.

“I’m okay, really. Just tired. I just... I fuckin’ hate this. I hate being away from you like this.” Frankie explains, the pulling in his gut subsiding a little. 

“I do too. Was a stupid idea...”

“Yeah, not your finest.” He smirks down the line and she can hear it. Hear the fragments of the sun gleaming.

But Jude’s intuition tells her otherwise. She can sense the barrier between them, an invisible but palpable divide that his words don’t bridge.

“Frankie, you know you can talk to me, right? About anything.”

“I know,” he says, but the words feel hollow, knowing she deserves more than the half-truths he offers, as if they’re spoken from a distance.

The silence between them stretches out, taut and uncomfortable. He can sense Jude’s concern, her need for reassurance, and he knows he’s failing to provide it. He shifts in his seat, searching for something to bridge the gap.

“I’ve, uh, been looking at some apartments today. Here, in Florida.”

“Oh.” Jude says, her voice small and unsure.

He pauses. “You don’t like the sound of that?” He’s trying to keep his tone light, but unable to mask the underlying anxiety.

“No, I just... I mean, New York is my home and-”

“Yeah?” Realising how his announcement must have sounded to her, he pauses.

He’d intended to steer the conversation away from the emotional minefield of his pick n' mix of feelings, but instead, has inadvertently introduced another layer of unseen complexity.

“Well, my parents are here, and my work and-”

“You can visit them whenever you want. Your parents can come visit us too, it’s just a flight away.” Frankie says, sounding agitated.

“You mean you want me there, in Florida?”

“We love each other and want to be together, right?”

“Of course,” Jude confirms. 

“I guess I’m just trying to figure things out, and Florida seems like the best place for me to be right now.” He grits. 

“Why Florida specifically? You can figure things out anywhere, Frankie.”

“I just think it’s the best option right now for me to be here.”

“For what?” Jude is silent for a moment, her breath heavy on the line.

“Why are you so against it?”

Jude baulks. “I’m not, I’m just… have you really thought about this? It seems kinda rash all of a sudden, to be looking at apartments there.”

“Yes. I don’t understand what’s so fuckin’ difficult about it!” Frankie snipes, his tone flat and sharp.

“Woah, Frankie. What’s gotten into you?”

He hears her sigh heavily down the phone and she doesn't say anything else, waiting for him to respond.

“I’m sorry... Mierda, I just got in my head about it.” (Shit) Frankie replies, running his hand through his hair. “I thought maybe you’d wanna be here with me.”

“I want nothing more than to be with you,” she says, her voice softer but no less resolute. “But we need to find a way to do this together. We can’t make decisions in isolation, Frankie. We need to talk, really talk, about our future together, and where that might be.”

“Yeah.” Frankie confirms. 

“We can talk about it more tomorrow, okay?”

“Sure,” Frankie replies, the words feeling both a relief and a heavy responsibility. “Listen, I’m gonna go. I’m tired, okay?”

“Okay.” Jude says, feeling deflated. 

“I’ll call you in the morning, before my flight.” He replies bluntly.

“Yeah.” 

“Okay.”

“I love you,” Jude says.

 “You too. Night.”

“Night.”

Instead of going for her run, Jude curls up into a ball on her bed, hugging her pillow and stares out at nothing.

The phone call with Frankie has left her feeling more unsettled, a gnawing worry twisting in her stomach. Her mind races with thoughts of the changes he’s proposing. Big changes moving to Florida to live with him? It seems so drastic, so sudden.

She understands his intentions, but the idea of him making such a significant move without fully discussing it with her feels like a betrayal somehow.

She tries to tell herself that perhaps she’s worrying over nothing, but her gut, the same gut that alerted her to Nate and his devious ways, convinces her all is not right with Frankie. 

When he ends the call, Frankie tosses his phone down on the coffee table in Benny’s apartment and sits contemplating for a long time. Thinking and his mind whirring until the sounds of the water starts filling his ears again.

Irritated, Frankie rifles through some drawers until he finds a blank notebook and a pen. 

He sits with the notebook on his knee and begins to write. 

The landscape of silvery skyscrapers and the concrete jungle of the Big Apple are getting closer.

The turbulence that had once been a minor inconvenience now feels like a personal assault, each bump and shake magnifying his anxiety.

The cockpit had once been his sanctuary, a place where Frankie felt invincible. But ever since the crash, flights feel different.

The familiar hum of engines, the routine safety announcements, the very sensation of being airborne - everything that once brought him comfort now fills him with a creeping dread.

The announcement for descent breaks through his reverie, and Frankie braces himself for the landing. The plane dips and sways slightly, and his heart pounds in his chest.

He grips the armrests, white knuckling and closing his eyes, counting down the minutes until the plane touches down. The plane eventually hits the runway safely and begins its journey to the terminal. 

Frankie’s booked another Air Bn’b for their reunion and Jude’s already there as he enters the apartment door, standing up and rushing to him, locking lips with him almost immediately that it makes him unsteady on his feet.

And he melds instantly around her. It blocks everything out, quietens the tornado of his mind and stifles that ache he’s felt since he watched her shrink in the distance.

Her lips are the same softness they’ve always been, her tongue tasting of longing and desire. He grips her tight, unable to let her go and fathom truly that she's back in his arms.

Frankie looks at her, pulling back whilst holding onto her arms, and regards her, taking her in all over again. She’s cut her hair and he weaves his fingers through it, smiling at the new length and how it changes her face.

She looks a little less gaunt, beginning to get those supple curves back that he remembers from the early days, filling out her clothes a little better and not having to hold up her jeans as she walks.

She wears a small smattering of make-up and he thinks she looks beautiful regardless - and that he’s wholly undeserving of her.

Jude reaches up and runs her fingers through his significantly shorter curls peeking out from under his cap, and marvels at how soft they feel.

His eyes are still that muddy swamp that swallows her whole. Those heart shaped lips are still a pink rosy splash of intense colour on his face that she longs to taste again and again. 

The welcome and anticipated feel of her fingers grazing behind his ears hair whilst she’s stood on tip toes is an indescribable relief. 

Frankie stares back at her with those piercing eyes and she’s held there under the spell of his gaze unable to refute him. Breathing never used to be so hard, but she has to constantly remind herself to do it whenever he looks at her like this.

The mastery of him leaves Jude breathless.

“Hey hermosa,” he smiles into her lips as he tastes her again.

“Hey Catfish” she says, kissing over his lips with a heated fervour. 

He’s here with her and it feels like she can finally breathe again - he’s finally home. 

Her fingers are delicately circling up and down his chest; pulling him out of sleep, dipping into the softness of his hips, trailing across to the slot of his belly button.

He lays there for a few sweet, oneiric moments quietly enjoying the patterns Jude makes on his skin and how it makes his nipples awaken with him too. 

It’s been the first full night’s sleep he’s had in over a month, since he’d parted ways with her and left her in New York. Frankie doesn’t wake with a sweaty jolt from a torrid nightmare of drowning, or burning and instead feels more rested than he’s ever been. 

Holding her in his arms all night, after they’d made intense love for hours beforehand, she’s managed to sleep too and isn’t lying awake trying to calm herself with ocean sounds as insomnia strangles her. Nor does she feel the need to run until she can’t feel her feet anymore.

Jude's forehead is resting against his cheek and is tickled lightly by the graze of his scruff reaching out of his pores, and his lips glue themselves to her temple now and again kissing against it, signalling he’s there with her in the land of the conscious.

Frankie lusts for the feeling of her making swirly tracks over his epidermis and leaving little shivers as she glides over his hips and sides of his waist. 

Frankie runs his fingers down her spine and up again; he hears her breathe out contentedly.

He’s soft and relaxed; his warm cock resting languidly against the top of his thigh, and her breasts are squashed into the side of him, her leg hooked over his left leg.

Waking up together slowly through sleep-filled eyes and enjoying the warmth of the day as the sun pools in through the window, with those breathy sighs and stretches around one another’s limbs.

“Mmm,” Frankie hums out into her crown, ghosting his nose into her hairline and indulging in the scents of her hair. 

Jude shadows her fingers gently in return over his groin, down onto the plump circumference of his balls and gently massages them; tiny pitter-patters of her fingertips against the skin that bunches around them.

Enjoying the firmness of them through the somnolent comfort of their hazy bliss, she rolls them gently between her thumb and fingers squeezing softly. 

She begins cupping him gently and squeezing, kneading as she makes his breath hitch further in his throat. His fingers are felt crawling at her neck, scratching away at the nape delicately. 

He reaches for her chin, tipping her face up to meet him and plants a delicate smooch on her that soon morphs with its vivid passion. His other hand goes to the skin around her back and slips, clutching onto her bare ass, squeezing her pliant meat in his tender grip. 

She rolls over his balls and up the length of him that’s hardening, waking up fully to the sensual feel of her touching on him again. 

Frankie draws his right leg up and out of the duvet, resting it back down as he opens his legs a little wider as Jude starts pumping his now awake cock gently. Up and down slowly and with her grip tightening around him. 

He grunts out; a delicious sound escaping his mouth and nose as though he chokes.

He strokes down her back again, making her nipples hard as her skin tingles cold from his touch. His fingertips dance and create little convulses as he drags them up her body making her ripple softly against him.

He rests his hand on his waist; a splayed giant starfish as she looks up at him, and he looks back into her eyes through that hooded desire that’s clouding them into a milky latte in the morning light. 

“I love it when you touch me like this,” Frankie whines, enjoying the feel of the relaxed jerk session she’s giving him in the early morning dawn. 

“I love touching you like this,” Jude confirms. 

They’re spread together in the puffy sheets of the bed, warm and content from one another’s skin, touching and stroking and feeling one another.

He reaches for her breast, running his knuckles against her pebbled nipple, making her groan equally into his mouth as he kisses her again. That nub of each jolt through it sends sparks up her thighs and into her pussy that’s flooding for him. 

He grunts out again, a deep hum on his larynx, drawing his knee up and holding onto his thigh as she works him tighter and little more rhythmic now. 

The slick feel of his hard cock inside her hand is paramount as she licks her palm and runs it over him, squelching him through her saliva. 

His eyes roll into the back of his head at the feel of it; so wet and sensitive right on the tip of him that it makes his legs judder with a spasm. 

Frankie breathes in, grunting and pursing his lips out, bucking his hips slowly into her grip.

“Fuck,” he drowns inside of her hair; feeling her fingers dancing around his balls and massaging as she strokes his cock up and down.

Running her thumb over his frenum and making the delicious pull wind tighter under the muscles of his abs.

“Feels so fuckin’ good,” he drones, biting down onto his plumpy bottom lip and closing his eyes as they roll back into his lids. “You make me wanna come so bad...”

His hips are trembling and his hand is reaching for her chin again as he swallows her in a swamping kiss. 

He groans out with a hissed snuffle; his teeth clenched together and his cheeks blown out, his eyes shut and lost somewhere between rational thinking and pure unadulterated bliss.

His hips wind as Jude pumps and jerks him off tighter, harder, faster - tugging on his balls now that are aching wonderfully through it all. 

“Fuck, yeah…" His breath vibrates in the back of his throat as he sucks in little gasps in succession

“Come for me, Frankie,” Jude whispers into his chin. 

Frankie tenses his ass, his cheeks rising from the mattress slightly as he feels everything in his body rush towards the end of his cock. 

“Fuck!” His head contorts back into the pillow. 

He covers her fingers in warm, plentiful glops, some of it spraying up his chest as he comes. 

She strokes him gently through his sticky come down as he reaches for her, kissing her deeply and pulling back to look at her as she smiles at him with sleepy, dream filled eyes.

“I love you,” she whispers. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Should we… should we maybe talk about Florida?” Jude probes gently as she reaches for a tissue from the box on the bedside table. 

“I love you too, hermosa.” He moans back into her mouth. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

He holds her tightly, closing his eyes as he breathes out in sweet relief.

Frankie wipes his chest down as she hands it to him, and she notices he avoids her gaze. He screws it up in his fist and turns to her. 

He hesitates, the words catching in his throat. This is the moment he’s been dreading since he found out himself. How can he tell her? How can he shatter all her illusions?

“I know you said Florida's the best place for you right now, but is it really, considering how much…” she chooses her words carefully, “... pain, is there?”

His eyes soften at her and he feels the catch in his throat. Of course she would worry about his addiction. That’s just who she is, always wanting the best for him.

Jude had been his rock during his darkest days on that damned island. She had seen him at his worst - angry, desperate, afraid - and she had never given up on him. Her unwavering support had been a lifeline, a beacon of hope when everything else seemed lost at sea.

Jude had believed in Frankie when he couldn’t believe in himself, and now, even with the weight of his past mistakes and the uncertainty of his future, she’s still here, still caring. Still loving him even though he knows he is far less than deserving of her. 

Frankie swallows hard, emotions swirling sickly inside him. He feels a mix of gratitude and guilt. Gratitude for her steadfast love and support, and guilt for the pain and worry he’s caused her. He can see it in her eyes as they peer carefully back at him, a slight spark of trepidation and confusion. 

“Frankie, you’re worrying me, please talk to me.”

He can see the concern etched on her beautiful face, the worry that perhaps he’s back on the drugs. It’s an unspoken fear that lingers within her, a cariogenic shadow from the past that refuses to fade completely.

Frankie knows she has every reason to be anxious, to be fearful of a relapse because, God, he is. It's a struggle that he faces every single day now he's back here.

She squeezes his hand, her eyes brimming with concerned empathy, and a touch of something else. Something that threatens to fall down her face like jagged glass. 

Frankie takes a deep breath and looks at her. 

He realises in that moment just how much he needs her, how much he needs her belief in him. How much he can't lose her.

Fuck, he loves her more than anything. He just hopes that its enough.

“Jude, I… I have a son.”

To be continued...

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[a-spes]

| DEVIOUS LIES — Part one (3.842 words).

| Summary — Anon Request — When your friend asked you out for a drink, you didn't think much about it. Yet, maybe you should've, because that night ruined your life. It has been two years, and you can't stop think about what you lost. Your job, your friends, your lover, and even your mind was left in that motel room.

| Tags & warnings — Avenger!Natasha Romanoff x Avenger!Reader, AoS!OC x Avenger!Reader, Other Avengers, angst without comfort, cheating, mental health issues, suicidal ideations, self depreciation.

| MOODBOARD — ✧ — MASTERLIST — ✧ — TO SAY SOMETHING

| Part one. Part two. Part three.

“I am really not sure we should do that, Stark”, you repeated for what may be the tenth time since you picked up the phone, “it sounds like a really, really, bad idea, and you know, I am not sure sh~”

“Come on!” he said, cutting short your ramblings.

Your thoughts are racing, your mind imagining all the things that could go wrong. It is an endless series of “what ifs” that is only stopped by Tony’s voice. You both knew that if he lets you think too much, he would lose his battle. It’s a risky plan he wants to drag you in. 

“I am sure you are dying to say yes,” he added when you didn’t answer him, and you could hear his petty smile through the phone. As he sensed that you were about to accept, the man tried to convince you with one last argument, “she won’t know anything, I promise. None of them will, I thought about everything,” he assured you, and you believed him.

He was right, you wanted to say yes, but you couldn’t get yourself to say the word aloud. There are too many ways for it to end badly, and you really don’t need to make your situation worse than it already is. Two years ago, you lost everything. None of your teammates tried to understand your situation, they didn’t give you a chance to explain what happened. Instead, they threw you away from the team, and the tower, without giving it a second thought, as if you were just garbage.

Maybe that’s what you are.

Sometimes, when you think about the events, you surprise yourself by siding with them. It’s easier to think that you deserve what they are doing to you than to accept the injustice of the situation, which you can’t do anything about. After all, the proof was against you. You’ve seen the pictures, everyone has seen them, and they felt so real that your certainties have faltered. How to convince them that you are innocent when you are not even sure yourself? Eventually, you gave in, it is a battle you couldn’t win.

“When is it, already?” you sighed, eventually giving in. An argument against Tony Stark was another battle you knew you couldn’t win.

The man has been the only exception. He has watched over you from afar, and believed your version of the events. For once, he has listened, and it means the world to you. So even if you try to not wince at the enthusiasm he lets out on the other end of the phone, a part of you is happy. It doesn’t matter if things don't go well, at least that would have pleased the billionaire, and you owe it to him, even if you couldn’t match his enthusiasm, too anxious for that.

For a second, you thought about changing your mind. Your fingers were a centimeter away from the interphone, but you haven’t rung the bell yet. It would be so easy to listen to your instinct that is screaming at you to run away. It would be so easy to break the promise you’ve made to Tony, he wouldn’t mind right? Yes, despite the disappointment, he would understand that you couldn’t do that. It was too early and too much. You shouldn’t even have taken that call, it is always a bad idea to trust a billionaire, especially when his last name is Stark.

The last time you’ve set foot in the Avengers Tower, it has been two years ago. You haven’t seen them since, only their pictures in the news. One time, you’ve thought about going to one of those press conferences they hold sometimes, but you knew you wouldn’t be welcome — Maybe they even added your name to the list of bans. You aren’t welcome anywhere near them, they made it clear when they threw you away.

It is as if all the years spent by their side have been erased. Even the world seems to have forgotten your name. It is almost as if you have never been a part of the Avengers, as if you’ve never existed, and it was just something you mind made.

Maybe it’s for the best, you thought.

Yet, here you are. In front of the building you left years ago, promising to yourself that you’ll never come back in here. That day, you felt so humiliated that you swore to yourself that you wouldn’t add the shame to crawl back at their feet, begging for their forgiveness. No, no matter how bad you were craving to throw yourself in their arms, you won’t. Never, ever. Except that, sometimes, circumstances change, and you find yourself unable to refuse your friend’s crazy invitation, despite the dangerousness of his plan.

“Pl- please, ‘tasha, let me ex~,” you were begging the woman. It wasn’t your kind but exceptional situations call for exceptional reactions, and the one you found yourself in certainly was. 

Tears aren’t your style either, nor it’s Natasha’s. Yet, both of your cheeks are stained with them, your eyes reddened. She is angry, and you are frustrated. She is full of hatred, and you are full of despair. But, today, something broke in both your hearts.

“Shut up,” she said firmly, not giving you a chance to explain yourself. She didn’t want to hear a word from your bullshit. None of them want to. “You’ve lost the right to call me that way,” she added, spitting every one of those hate-filled words in your face, “honestly, you’ve even lost the right to talk to me. I don’t want to hear your voice or to see your face ever again. Did I make myself clear?” she yelled. You would have never thought that she could speak to you in such an angry, hateful tone, and yet, here you are.

She has, indeed, made her intentions clear. When you came home, you found your clothes scattered on the pavement in front of the tower. She hasn’t waited for your explanations before deciding to throw all your belongings away. You were quick to follow them, you barely stepped into the building that she was here to drag you out of the building.

You have never seen your loved one in such a state. She isn’t even acknowledging your pleas for her to slow down, or at least to loosen her grip on your arm. But she doesn’t care. She doesn’t care anymore if you were hurt, or if you were stumbling on your feet — If she had to drag you out by the hair, she would do it without hesitating. 

The Natasha that was scared she could hurt you was long gone. She wasn’t the one that swore to protect you anymore, you’ve seen in her gaze that the promises she made no longer stand. She has a stern, harsh expression painted on her face, and it was your fault. She hadn’t hit you, not yet, but you could still feel how her nails are digging into your skin, leaving a mark that will stay for days. It is a reminder of what you’ve lost that day, not that you could forget.

A second later, you collide with concrete. She throws you on the ground, alongside your belongings, with all the strength she has — And she is a former russian spy, so she’s got plenty. The force of the gesture causes you to stumble over your own feet and fall, scraping your hands and knees in the process. You don’t even try to get up. Dejected, you remain on the ground, barely daring to turn around to see her one last time.

“Don’t you dare to come back, you are not welcome here anymore,” she said before walking away, and disappearing behind the doors of the tower. You wanted to say something but the words didn’t come out, nothing you could say felt right.

It is the last time you’ve seen her, and as pitiful as it is, you have long cherished this last contact with the redhead. No matter how violent and hateful it has been, it was still the last time you’ve touched the love of your life, and you missed it the moment she let go of your arm. Her, and her touch. Despite everything, despite the years, you still needed her presence by your side, and it doesn’t matter if your relationship has to be brutal, you are ready to accept anything if it means being close to her for a few more days.

The rest of the team stayed here until you left. Your eyes met theirs, pleading them to at least say something, but you didn’t get the help you were looking for, their hatred toward you matching Natasha’s. Clint, Steve and Sam, they are all people that you thought were your friends, except they didn’t hesitate a second before siding with the redhead.

Steve has been the first one to leave, almost running after the woman. Before they disappear in the elevator, you’ve caught his hand resting on her shoulder. You should be the one to touch her like that, the one to hold and comfort her, but this right has been taken from you, and maybe you deserve it. You broke the trust she put in you, one that she doesn’t grant easily.

You’ve always known it was a bad idea. In fact, since the moment he suggested that you should come to Natasha’s birthday, you’ve had a bad feeling about it. He thought that it would help you, knowing that you had been living in isolation since you’ve left the team, and a part of you believed him. The same part that never stopped hoping that things could go back to the way they were. 

Until today.

If there is something you’ve learned from that experience, it’s that things will never be as they were because it’s nothing more than a pipe dream. The past two years, you have continuously dreamed about that moment, when you would eventually see her again. You’ve even made up a whole apology speech, one that would erase all your mistakes, and if it’s not enough, then maybe you would have begged them until they forgive you — Promises be damned. In any case, it would have ended with a hug with Natasha, a happy reunion after all those years spent apart. 

Except that none of that happened, because reality isn’t fiction, and you don’t deserve a happy ending. To be fair, you could have never imagined that the reunion would go like this, that you wouldn’t even be able to exchange a word with them because they had no idea that you were here. You couldn’t have imagined that the barriers you have built over the last few years would crumble the moment you set foot in the tower that once was your home.

The tears were streaming down your face, hidden behind that ridiculous mascot costume Tony had forced you to wear. He assured you that it was all part of his plan, the one that’s supposed to make everything better, but honestly, you’ve never felt so ridiculous and pitiful than when you put on that costume that’s supposed to look like a cartoon version of Natasha. That is the genius idea Tony’s came up with a few weeks ago ; having you wear a suit so that you could attend Natasha’s birthday party without anyone knowing.

You thought that you were strong enough to face them, but it turned out that you weren’t. There is nothing that hurts more than realizing you are nothing more than a stranger in your own house. An intruder, that’s exactly what you are. You should enjoy the moment, but you can’t, your heart races, fearing they could guess you’re the one behind the costume.

You were watching them from the corner of the terrace where you found refuge after giving them a little show, and you noticed that all of them, without exception, had a bright smile on their faces. You should be glad that they overcame the difficulties of life, right?

Then why is the only thing you are feeling agonizing jealousy?

Because you were slowly realizing that things changed after you left them, and maybe it was for the best. That’s what you’ve heard them saying in an interview they held a few months after your departure — “Yes, the team has undergone some changements, and we believe it’s for the best” — and maybe they were right, because you don’t remember seeing them being so peaceful in the past. They never clearly said that you’ve been banned from the team, nor they talked publicly about the events that lead to your departure, but people weren’t stupid, they guessed that it was because of something you did.

All days are the same since.

You wake up early, but it’s not the sign of a healthy life, only of a light sleep that is disturbed by the slightest noise and glint of sunlight. The thought of a new day only makes you sigh, what’s the point when every day is the same? They are all filled with loneliness and misery, and you are not sure you have the strength to deal with that, so you don’t move an inch, waiting for the night to come again. 

Sometimes, you get out of the bed you’ve been rotting in, but it’s not before you are so hungry that your whole body is uncontrollably shaking. That's the only time you leave the darkness of your flat, when you go to that small shop at the end of the street to get something to eat. You would buy anything and everything here, but especially junk food that can be eaten quickly. Most of the time, it’s PastaBox or anything with chocolate,  the papers piling up in the kitchen as the days go by, but you’ve never had the heart to take down the overflowing bin.

Waking up, rotting in bed, eating a bit if you are really hungry, going back to rot in your bed, then crying until Morpheus comes to get you, that’s now what your days are.

It’s a strange situation. You have mourned people before, but never someone who’s still alive, never your whole life, never yourself. You are still alive. You know it because you are still breathing and your heart is beating, but it feels like you are not anymore. You don’t even want to cry anymore, you are just laying here, waiting for something to happen, anything. Maybe death. Maybe it’ll eventually come for you, and that moment will be the sweetest. It would be a relief, and not only for yourself.

You don’t want to think about the fact that it may not be. What would be the point in suffering if it’s not to get a threat at the end? The possibility that nothing will come after that life feels unfair, and scary. When you are not finding comfort in your death, you are looking for it by imagining a universe where your life with Natasha wouldn’t have ended that way, where none of that happened.

These are the thoughts that lull you to sleep every night, but the next day, when you wake up, the ache in your heart is back. It never seems to fade away, the pain being as strong as it was on the first day. If anything, it got worse. You are aware that every day that passes takes you further away from those ideals, dashing your hopes of getting your old life back. Your despair grew as you realized that all you were doing was pulling away from the love of your life, and there was nothing you could do to get her back. 

What is going to happen when you’re going to forget about how it feels being close to her?

What if you forget everything? Her voice, smile, and the smell of her clothes? 

The few times you are getting out of your apartment, you are walking with your head down, hiding behind the hood of your sweatshirt, and today isn’t an exception. The weather isn’t that cold, but the collar of your sweatshirt is still up to your chin, leaving only your eyes for the world to see. The ones that are fixed to your feet, avoiding to look around.

You used to do that to avoid paparazzi and insistent fans the days you were too tired to interact with the world, but you are now doing it to avoid problems. Your face and name have been all over the news after, and not for good reasons. People had no idea what had really happened, but their imaginations had no trouble imagining the worst and spreading rumors. It has been years, but the world still hasn't forgiven you for things you’ve never done.

In a few days, the way people see you changed drastically. You went from being one of the country’s greatest heroes to being canceled. The smiles turned into hateful looks, compliments into insults, and although no one has tried to hit you, you prefer to keep a low profile. The fall has been painful, but it isn’t surprising.

How could you expect strangers to believe you when even your oldest friends didn’t?

You have never been their favorite anyway, and you are perfectly aware of that. You are not a former spy, nor are you a genius or an enhanced human. You have nothing special, and the world knows your name only because of your teammates. It’s not a big surprise that they prefer them, and decided to side with the real Avengers.

But maybe they’re right. Maybe things are better that way, because you are not sure you deserve being loved. What you’ve tried to say to ‘tasha is true, you can’t remember what happened that night — At least, not the details that matters —, and that is the worst in your situation. The doubt creeping inside of you, and the guilt mixed with the frustration because you're as likely to be innocent as guilty.

Did you do it?

Did you cheat on her for real?

You are walking as fast as you can, only wanting to get home as quickly as possible, shaking your head in an attempt to get rid of those poisonous thoughts. You didn’t stay long at the party, barely half an hour has elapsed before you decided that you had enough. At least you’ve seen her blowing the candles, even if you left without saying a word to the woman. The thought crossed your mind for a second before you decided it was safer not to break the peace she had built up.

She deserves to be happy, even if it means that you are not a part of her life anymore. 

The only trace of your passage that you have left is a black box. You have hesitated to leave it on the pile of gifts, as she would know it was from you, but it didn’t feel right to keep for yourself the gift you were supposed to give her two years ago. It isn’t yours. You wished you could have stayed longer, just to see her reaction when she opens the box, just to see her smile one last time, to make her smile one last time before saying goodbye forever.

That night, you’ve been crying uncontrollably, and so did you the following days until you have no more tears to shed. Gladly, thanks to Fury, you have a bed to spend your days in. The man has been kind enough to pay for your rent until things get back to normal — That’s the promise he has made to you, that he will quickly find a solution. 

A new place for you to work at, in another country, far from everything you’ve known, where you weren’t hated by everyone: that’s the solution he came up with. “The furthest you are from the Avengers, the better it is. At least for a few months, we need things to calm down,” he told you that day, and you agreed. Not that you had a choice because if you had, maybe you would’ve said no. But there was no choice but to accept to leave everything you’ve ever known behind you — Your family, your friends, your memories. 

Did you for real?

That story is sticking to your skin, and the memories to your mind. Whenever you are going, people are glancing at you, and you are sure it’s because they know. Whenever you are going, all you can see is a glimpse of your past, ghosts that are haunting your present. The world will never forget, nor forgive your mistakes, and you understand them, because you don’t think you can either.

Every morning, when you wake up, it is the first thing you are thinking about. Every night, when you are about to sleep, it is the last one, until it becomes an obsession. Except it didn’t give you your memories back. The opposite has even happened, your mind confusing what you remember with what you've been told, trying to fill the gaps.

At one point, you were so desperate that you almost asked Fury, or Tony, if they didn’t have some technology that could help you to recover your memories. You’ve even thought about asking Wanda, but it was impossible to reach the woman, and maybe it’s for the best. You can’t deny that a part of you is scared of what you might find. You’ve once read that, sometimes, the brain keeps some memories away for a good reason — It is a response to trauma.

But for you, you were sure it was alcohol. You don’t remember how many drinks you had that night, but probably a lot if you can’t remember how the evening ended. The last thing you remember is talking with Astrid, one of your colleagues from SHIELD that invited you for a drink. The next time you remember is when you wake up in that motel. From the moment you opened your eyes, everything happened so fast.

You couldn’t take your eyes out of the pictures which were hung up all over the offices, you even kept some of those. But they are the worst. The thing you can see on those, the two of you in that stupid bed, her kissing your throat, and even more, it feels so foreign. Your brain refuses to accept that you are the one in the pictures. Yet, it's undeniable proof of what you've done that night. 

You are so lost that it hurts your brain. 

Sometimes, you wish that someone was here. Anyone that would take your hand, and guide you through this story. Most of the time, you imagine that it’s her, Natasha. That she is here, holding you in her arms, whispering in your ears that everything is going to be okay, exactly as she used to do. 

Then, you realize that she is not here, and everything crumbles again. 

| MOODBOARD — ✧ — MASTERLIST — ✧ — TO SAY SOMETHING

| Part one. Part two. Part three.

| Taglist — @m0nsterqzzz, @marvelwomenarehot0

[bahrtofane]

Promises under the stars - Jude ending

Part 1

Part 1 - Jude pov

Part 2

Long awaited happy ending I TOLD U I WOULD DO IT SEE. pretty plz read part 2 before this i’m begging plz plzlplzpzlzpzlzpzl

—

Word count - 2.2k+

Watch it - MORE DIVORCE WOWOW. Carlos is so mean in this one sorreh.

Guys this feels like the end of an era like I’m so sad to see it end this was a JOURNEY

——-

Things change. As most things do, life moves on.

Jude remains in the back of your mind. After years of working away from the laughs that taunt you in the wind.

It comes back to him.

Your husband takes a back seat and Jude once again becomes the man who’s at the forefront of your mind.

While you’re pregnant with Carlos’s baby you thumb through pictures of Jude. Funny isn’t it. So funny you want to rip your own hair out.

You don’t know if it’s your own behavior that sparks a change but there’s a shift.

After the second altercation with Jude, things change. Carlos does less talking and more observing. He asks you to share your location at all times and you have no qualms. Not at first.

But it begins to get to much.

Where are you going, who are you with. What are you doing. Come home. Do you have to go out. No don’t go. Don’t do this. Don’t do that.

You half think it’s because of the baby and he’s simply worried for the both of you. It’s his fatherly nature kicking in.

But there’s a breaking point and it comes when you come home on a Sunday night.

——

“Hey baby.” You smile, setting down your little shopping spree for the baby. Just a few essentials. Blankets and bottles.

He doesn’t return your greeting. Head down in silence while he stares at the wall.

“Where were you?”

You frown, “not this again-“

“No. You keep going off to places without letting me know first I thought we talked about this.” he hisses.

You lean against the counter. ”I stopped to get a little snack?”

He shrugs. “You could have waited till you got home.”

You scoff. ”i'm pregnant Carlos, most things can't wait. You know how it is.”

”I don’t even know who you are anymore.” He mumbles.

“What did you say?”

He stands, facing you with brows furrowed. “Ever since Jude you keep running off. Are you seeing him?”

”Are you crazy?”

”i dont know look at how you’re acting. I’ve given you everything, and you keep sneaking off.”

”Im pregnant with your child for fucks sake and you think im with another man?”

”I’m not sure if its even my child anymore. Funny how he turned up again when you started to show.”

Your skin bristles. ”I’m going to give you a chance to take it back Carlos or else.”

”or what? You’ll go back to him? Maybe I should go and knock someone else up so you can know what it feels like.” his voice raises to a yell.

That’s just the thing isn’t it. Yo already know what it feels like. You watched it happen with Jude and now he accuses you of the very thing that almost drove you mad.

Tears burn in your eyes. You don't stick around for any more, taking your keys and walking to the door.

“Don’t you dare leave. You leave and you won’t see me ever again do you hear me. “ he screams, finger pointed at you.

You look back for a moment. Gone is the Carlos you love and replaced with this beast that hurls insults and accusations. You walk out, driving away to anywhere, anywhere at all as long as its away from him.

Your second heart break comes from Jude just like the first. Only this time indirectly and crumbles a marriage you once treasured more than anything.

You can't face his family. Certainly not his mother. Not after this.

——-

You go back to your families home. Back in your home town.

It shocks them, how you turn up at their door. You drove the whole way back, just like you did leaving.

Your mother cries for you and you don't have the heart to explain your end in full.

You’re due in about 3 months. And your days and filled with sorrow. You try you best. You know it’s not good for the baby. It’s a girl you find out. Carlos always wanted a girl. You try you really do but things are near impossible on your own.

You get a call from his mother, appolgizes tumbling from her tongue. Pleading with you for forgiveness. She tells you there’s always a spot for you in her home. If you’d like you can move in. They’ll take care of you here.

You thank her between sniffles but you say you don’t know. You just need time.

You’re nearing a breaking point yourself.

——-

Time is running out for you to make sense of things.

You miss Carlos, or well you miss the Carlos you once loved. The man who bought you a home just because he could and he listened to you.

The man who was so sure of loving you.

The only thing he seems sure of is pretending you don’t exist.

Maybe if you would have just taken Jude back when he first came to you

——-

Jude hears. Or course he does.

He promised himself to stop meddling in your life. To stop keeping up with you and just leave you alone. But when news reaches him. A piece of him breaks.

It’s his fault isn’t it. You had a home. A life. A marriage, a husband and very soon a little family.

There he goes again, ruining it.

He finds your contact info and it lays in his phone, u able to bring himself to press call. What buisness does he have in your life anymore truly.

What more can he do, say, feel?

The fields have long burned, only ash and ember in their wake. And still he recognizes them in a heartbeat. He knows you will too. For he knows you.

How can he apologize in a language you’ll understand?

——

You get a call from an unknown number while you leave another appointment. Same old same old, try to relax stress isn’t good for the baby blah blah blah. If you could relax you would but it isn’t that easy isn’t it.

You pick up before looking properly and a familiar voice comes to life. Jude.

He can’t stay away it seems. He can’t leave you on your own.

“I heard what happened. I’m so sorry. If I knew i would have never-“

”its okay Jude.” You sigh. ”its not your fault. He just- changed and it scared me so bad.”

His voice hasn’t changed all that much, just a tad deeper.

You don’t blame him. You’ve forgiven him for everything. There’s a million ways Carlos could have handled things and he chose to blame you for it all. Choose the path of accusation. That is no one’s fault but his own.

“Do you need help?” Timid. Hesitant.

You pause. What else do you have to loose. The very least you need to figure something out for your baby.

You don’t have friends close enough to call up. Not even friends when you think about it. Acquaintances at best.

You consider taking up Carlos’s mother on the offer. Your baby would be well taken care of. Brought up in luxury and comfort. Nothing would ever be more than a stone's throw away.

But you run the risk of seeing him again. And you know if he were to find out it would create a whole other problem.

Your savings will cover 2 years max if you really stretch them out. And you know your parents cant keep you under their roof forever. You do need help. But you don’t know how to ask. How to accept.

He picks up on your silence. “No string attached I promise I just-“ he takes a deep breath, “- I can't do nothing. Not when you’re going through everything that you are. “

”Thank you Jude.” You sniffle. Tears forming in your eyes while you look into the sky.

——-

Jude sends movers to help you move your things into an apartment by the end of the week. All you have to do is get into your car and follow. You need to do something about the car. Its technically under your name. The one he got you as a gift.

You feel so out of lace in it. Maybe you’ll sell it. If not for the money to erase any traces of him for good.

Jude visits you the following week.

He’s grown. Oh how hes grown. A man now. He gives you the spare keys with a small smile. No red ribbon.

“Its set for a years rent and all. No need to worry. I figured you’d want to stay near your family so.”

You give him a hug, unable to stop yourself. Even if your belly makes it awkward he wraps his arms around you. He’s smiling.

“I cant thank you enough.” You’re crying again. Tears pooling in your eyes.

He helps you sit down on the couch, giving you his arm to steady yourself on. “Hey hey. It’s alright. I got you. No need to thank me.”

”why did you come?” you mumble. Hand still on his.

“I think you know the answer to that.” He picks at his pants.

”After all this time you still do?” You still love me?

“I never stoped. I told you as much.”

You nod. “Thank you again anyway.”

”Call me if you need anything. There's a chauffeur I use when I’m in the area. I'll give you his info too. Whatever you go give him a call. Or if you need any shopping done he’ll take care of it.”

”Are you sure?”

He smiles, “more than sure. Go rest now you’ve had a long week.”

———

You only hear from Carlos when he sends the divorce papers. You dont think twice. Signing them and sending them off to his lawyers.

His only request is to see his baby. You refuse at first but his lawyers are firm. So you come to an agreement one weekend at the end of every month. Starting when you recover.

You end up keeping the car.

You want nothing else from him. Just to never see him again. You can’t accept any apology after the way he disrespected you.

You mean it. More than you meant it with Jude.

——

Jude ends up coming to appointments when hes in town. You don’t know how it happens. But he goes. Holding your hand and letting you lean on him every step of the way. You never say no. In a way you need him. In many ways you do.

It’s familiar. Being with Jude. You slip back into old habits and he never corrects you. Just gives you a tight smile.

Every break he spends with you and within an instant the baby comes. Carlos is not allowed anywhere near you. You name her after your favorite flower and give her your last name.

She’s your whole world. You can barely hold back your sobs when they hand her over to you.

Jude drives you home from the hospital and skips pre season training to be with you.

He helps you with her and for a moment it's like this is the ending you always dreamed of. A glimpse of what could have been. If you only ignore that it’s Carlos’s child, you are not with Jude and you’re closer to his pity case than his lover. But you can dream.

——

“She’s crying again.” Jude mumbles, woken up from her cries.

He’s been sleeping on the couch. To make it easier for the both of you.

You groan, picking her up gently and trying to get her back to sleep. Nothing works her cries only get louder and you are on your last straw.

“Jude can you come here.”

He pads to your room, opening the door meekly as you stand with her in your arms. “Can you hold her while I make her bottle please.”

He nods, opening his arms while you gently set her in his arms. She fits in his embrace like she was made for it.

You come back with a bottle to your baby softly sleeping agaisnt his chest. Little cheeks snug agaisnt him while she breaths softly.

You mouth a silent thank you and let him out her back inside her crib. Tucking her under her blanket and giving her a little pat to the head.

You could get used to this.

——

You fall for Jude once more. As your little girl turns one you find a rhythm with him. She even calls him dad. You never correct her. There’s no need. He does all a father would and more.

Carlos drops from her life before she can even walk. You don’t care.

You make the trip to Spain yearly so she can meet her grandparents at the very least. This isn’t their fault. You hold nothing against them. His mother blames herself for her sons actions and you know nothing you say will change it.

Jude retires before he can turn 35. And you marry. Nothing outlandish. Just you and him and your baby at the court house.

You get ice cream on the way home and watch her favorite movies till she falls asleep.

“We made it back to each other in the end. “ He kisses your lips. Soft. Gentle.

You hum, pressing yourself closer against him. “Always you and me.”

The promises you made under the stars have found you after all. In your own home with your baby you love more than anything. Raising her and walking through life hand in hand. Even after everything, you don’t think anyone else would come back for you. Fight for you the way Jude has.

Your peace has come.

[satorusugurugurl]

I Think He Knows: (Chapter Six)

Summary: When your novel takes off and becomes a best seller, doors of opportunities open for you. You can work on the series you have dreamed about all your life. And you’re also given the chance to stay in a tiny cottage in Europe for two years to help with inspiration! Your best friend, Geto Suguru, shatters at the news. How could he tell you how he feels when you leave him? His opportunity appears right before him when you confess that your editor thinks a change of scenery will help with your not-so-steamy romance scenes. They’re lacking a particular spice because you’re a virgin. So, Suguru does what any best friend would do. He offers to teach you how things work. Will you cross that line as friends? Or will you both say goodbye?

Pairing: Geto Suguru x FAB!Reader

Word Count: 4,964

Warning: Language, suggestiveness, rql sex (male receiving) grinding, neck kisses, dry humping, mentions of character death,night terror, blood, mentions of PTSD, anxiety

A/N: Man oh man what a silly fluffy slice of life spicy series we got! It would be a shame if something happened 😀—😈

*MDNI*

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five

Think that you were an easy-going person who got along well with everyone. Generally, you were easy-going unless someone fucked you over, then you were a bit salty. Manami Suda Was the only exception. You could not stand her guts. She would be the only person he would gladly hit with your car.

“Manami,” you spit back, crossing your arms over your chest. “Suguru is expecting me.”

“Mm, he didn’t mention anything to me. You would assume he would make his schedule.”

“Ha, funny, let me in.”

“Huh,” she purses her red-painted lips together. “Let me check with my client and see if he’s available. We’re both swamped.”

You roll your eyes, pushing open the door, poking your head. “Suguru, call your Hellhound off.” Manami presses herself to the side, trying to block you from getting further inside the apartment.

“Geto is busy at the moment, but he’ll call you later.”

“Busy my ass Suguru!!”

Upon hearing you call his name again, Suguru headed out of his makeshift studio. He was covered in different blue paint hues, smeared on his forearm and cheek. His eyes darted between you, trying to force your way inside before back at his agent, who was fighting against your attempts. Dark ice glitter with the amusement at how you were putting all your effort into trying to squeeze past her

“Manami, let her in.” He finally said with a chuckle. “Before she starts gnawing at the door frame.”

“Ha!” Manami sidestepped again just as you tried pushing yourself inside, resulting in you falling face forward with the yelp dropping the groceries.“Geto called you a termite.”

Wincing, you sat up, rubbing your chin. Suguru had better put an ad online for a new agent because his current one was about to disappear without a trace. “But she’s the cutest termite in the whole world.” The bluntness and flirty tone of his voice had both you and Manami glancing at him as he headed into the kitchen.

Since when did he start calling you cute around other people? That was usually something someone said about their partner, right? Not their best friend. More importantly, why the hell did you love it?

Manami was too stunned to speak as she gaped at her client before looking back at you. You felt her eyes on you, so you didn't know what any mature adult your age would do. You glanced back up at her and smiled as wide as you could before sticking your tongue out at her. She glared, nose pinching up in annoyance as she flipped you off with her sharp, manicured nails. To which you shot back, flipping her off with both hands as you sat up on your knees.

“Girls.” hearing Suguru call you both out stopped the childish faces and the middle fingers, but no amount of tone, yelling, or godly power could prevent the glaring daggers you gave each other.

“We’re fine, Geto.”

“Yeah, Suguru!”

“You shouldn't use his name so freely!”

“Oooh~ last time I checked, I’ve been his best friend for over a decade!”

Manami clenched her fists together. “Yes, I am aware of that. You make it a point to remind me of that every time I see you.” You stood up, putting the groceries in the kitchen before flopping onto the couch.

“Because you act like I should be courteous and cold to him! I've known him longer than you. So kiss my ass.”

“Geto!” Manami barked, her hair flowing as she looked into the kitchen. “Do you hear the way she's talking to me?”

Your eyes focused on the way Suguru washed paint off his arms. His hands brushed back stray dark strands of hair behind his gauged ears. “Manami, if you just let her in, she wouldn’t be in such a mood.” A certain pleasure settled in your stomach. “She’s always welcome in my apartment whether I’m working or not, you know that.” For some reason, your stomach twisted, and heat pooled between your legs as he told her pretty much to fuck off.

Suguru heard the faintest whimper from the direction of the living room. Looking through his lashes, he smirked, seeing your flushed face. God, you were so easy to rile up. For once in his career, he wanted to shove his agent out and pin you against the sofa. He wanted to pry open your thighs that were pressed together open. Desperate to see if you were as wet as you were a few days ago at breakfast. God Suguru wanted to taste you again, to make you cry on his tongue.

His cock twitched, and he realized now might not be the best time to be sporting a boner in the presence of professional company. So he turned the water in the sink to cold and threw it on his face. There would be a time to get a bit more intimate later. He needed to keep his composure and not eat you out with his agent in the room.

“Fine, but we aren’t done discussing business.”

“I know.”

You watched from the couch, noticing the annoyed look in Suguru’s eyes, and Manami stepped forward. “The aquarium called again; they want to know if you—”

“No.”

“Geto—”

“I said no.”

The aquarium? You blinked, sitting up and tilting your head. Did it have to do with his most recent painting of Riko?

Manami sighed, pulling her phone out. “They increased their offer for you to do the commission.”

Suguru was exceptionally talented. His paintings of dragons, creatures, and sceneries had gone viral in high school, earning him a full ride to art school. He was selling paintings, being commissioned, thriving, and getting paid to do what he loved. He, of course, had rules for commissions he took on from strangers and whatnot, but to deny an aquarium wasn’t like him.

“No,” Suguru repeated more firmly.

“You’d only be—”

A loud crash causes you and Manami to jump as Suguru throws his cup of paintbrushes into the sink. “Manami, no. That’s my final answer.” It was rare for Suguru to get pissed; he was usually well-tempered. So, for him to snap like that was out of character and meant he didn’t want to do whatever she had set up for him.

Manami sighed, grabbing her phone off the kitchen counter and shoving her cell phone inside. “I know it’s a reminder of the past, but it’s good money.” She slid expensive name-brand sunglasses on before turning on her heels with a strut in her step. “Think about it; I’m not sending the denial letter yet.” Without another word, she left the apartment, slamming the door shut behind her.

“Well,” you started, pouting as you hummed, “she is a peach.”

“Yeah.” Suguru sighed, rubbing the back of his neck before focusing his undivided attention on you. “So, uhm, what’s on the menus for dinner? I can help?” He grabbed the brown paper bags, beginning to unload them without another word.

You didn’t mean to pry about what was going on in his life. You knew him better than you knew himself at times. So, he would tell you if he wanted to talk about what was happening. The only time you got involved with what was happening during his work, you were utterly concerned about him and his well-being. So instead of saying anything, you just not at your head as the two of you made dinner together.

But the entire time we both stood in the kitchen silently in tune with each other, your mind kept drifting off to what exactly he was asked to paint. It seemed a little strange that he was asked to paint something at the aquarium, and his current canvas depicted Riko at the aquarium in Okinawa before the accident. That might be triggering his current nightmares, along with the fact that he has never truly forgiven himself for the accident that wasn’t his fault at all.

You knew he blamed himself for what happened. He wasn’t fast enough to push Riko out of the way when the car approached them. He saw her like a little sister. Watching the life fade from her eyes while he was fighting for his own life would traumatize anyone.

That sort of trauma never leaves. It lingers forever, which it had for your best friend. After the accident in her death, he started seeing a therapist every week. He’s on severe anxiety and depression medication, and for a while, his artwork took a very dark turn. He wouldn’t see anyone. He lost a ton of weight but always insisted that he was fine, just tired.

It wasn’t until he snapped when his nieces Nanako and Mimiko were in a car accident themselves that he lost all of his composure. he broke down having a mental episode. He nearly beat the ever-loving shit out of the man that caused the accident. The man had been remorseful, paying for everything from the car to the medical bills for the girls, but that wasn’t good enough for Suguru. He wanted to make him pay for what he had done. In a way, he saw it as the driver that caused Riko’s accident to pay for the pain the two of them went through.

Suguru was lucky enough to have you and your mutual friends by his side. All of you helped him get the help that he needed. You were there when he needed to talk or was having a rough day. That was one of the many reasons you both lived in the same apartment complex. He felt safe around you. Suguru knew he was with you. He was seen for who he was and for not being the man who couldn’t save his friend's life.

Despite it not being his fault at all.

And well, he had healed over the years,

Like anyone else living with that kind of trauma, he had his good days and his bad days from his sleeping over, insomnia, and how he reacted to Manami pushing him to do the mural at the aquarium. He was having a rough week.

After eating a delicious home-cooked meal and cleaning the kitchen, you sat on the couch, staring blankly at the television as Suguru gently ran his hand up and down your thigh. Some thriller played in the background; at this point, it was mindless background noise as your mind reeled, trying to think of what to say.

Your silence and uptight demeanor had Suguru’s dark eyes darting towards you every few seconds. There was something on your mind, something he knew you were contemplating saying. But much like you, he wasn’t one to pry. He knew in the last decade that you were upfront with him whenever you wanted to talk about an issue. But from the shyness in your touch to how you kept looking at him, he figured that maybe you wanted to make a move or ask him to teach you something new.

God, you were just so cute and shy. He wanted you to feel comfortable, to tell him what you wanted. But at the same time, he knew you. There was no way you would be upfront and ask home to do stuff with you or ask him to teach you more things. Until you were ready, he would have to continue making suggestions or ask how you felt and what you wanted to do.

Giving your thigh a gentle squeeze, your eyes dart in his direction. “Did you get all your rewrites done for Utahime? How did the meeting with her go?” Your face lit up.

“Oh, it went well; she loved what I had! She said my writing has improved.”

“That’s great! Do you get any time off? Like to relax that big brain of yours?”

With a pout, you collapsed into his side with a huff. “No, she wants the next chapter in two weeks. So I have to write it, have Nanami read it, edit it, and then I can send it to her.” The feeling of Suguru’s hand leaving your thigh left a trail of goosebumps in its wake as he wrapped his arms around your waist.

“Oh, well—do you need help with the next chapter? Or are there fewer spicy scenes in this one?”

You scoff, resting your chin on his upper arm. “That’s what you bookworms call sex scenes in books, right; spicy scenes?”

“Awee~ you do listen.”

“I listen when it’s you.”

You resist the urge to kiss him, opting for blushing instead. “Uhm, right! Yeah, so—“ you clear your throat, “it’s more plot than spice, but I’m not opposed to—ya’ know, adding spice.”

This was your way of telling him you wanted more without outwardly saying it. This was keeping your friendship safe. Besides, just because you didn’t use it in this chapter didn’t mean you wouldn’t use it in the future!

Suguru was slightly disappointed when you first said there were no spicy scenes in this current chapter. He felt like you did, not wanting to ruin your friendship. But to hear you say that you weren’t opposed to adding spice to your current chapter and all the worries and disappointment vanished. Suguru hummed, putting his hand behind his head and slowly licking his lips as he watched you sit up.

“Oh really now?”

“Mhmm~ I just don’t know what to add~ maybe you—” You slid your fingers down his ab’s, gently sliding them underneath the hem of his shirt. Your manicured nails gently ran over his happy chill, making Suguru twitch in anticipation. “Do you have a suggestion for what I could add to this chapter?”

“Mmm, well, you could always have Oaklynn go down on Ilsan, or you could have them dry hump or grind.”

You toyed with the waistband of his sweat, biting your lip as you felt his cock twitch, growing harder the more you rubbed the band. Your eyes were so focused on his pants that Suguru could hear the thundering of his heartbeat in his ears, his stomach filled as you looked up, meeting his gaze. He swallowed hard at the lustful need burning in your eyes. It’s hard to believe you had never been kissed a week ago, and now you were playing with his waistband to his sweats so suggestively?

What the fuck was this life?

“Sugu—can I touch you?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

With his consent, you tugged his sweats down to rest over the top of his thighs, finding a tent in his boxers. There was something oddly satisfying about seeing the way your touch affected him. You knew his body was probably reacting naturally to an intimate touch. Part of you wish this might be more than a physical reaction deep down inside. But that was ludicrous because he was helping you out.

But maybe it could turn into something more you wouldn’t oppose.

“You’re already hard.” You said with a blush, your hand gently brushing over the hardening shaft in his boxers.

“What can I say? I have my beautiful best friend touching me.”

“Can this beautiful friend return the favor from the other day?”

Subaru chokes on his spit as you gently talk the band of his boxers down. If you want to, that shouldn’t be an issue. But you don’t have to return the favor! The cutest pout graces your lips as you reach out gently, grabbing his shaft and squeezing it. “Ooooh, fuck—”

“Oh! Sorry, did that hurt? I was trying to be a bit more confident!”

“N-No, it felt really good.”

“Oh! Okay, uhm—” You bite your lip in concentration, trying to mimic the moves. He had done when he first jerked off in front of you. “I want you to feel good.”

Subaru could not believe you were saying this. The same girl that hadn’t had an orgasm in her entire life less than a week ago. Was now stroking his cock with confidence in your eyes! There was no way he would ever extinguish that burning lust in your eyes. He would encourage you to do what you wanted if you were comfortable doing this because he would be lying to himself if he said that he hadn’t dreamed about something like this happening for as long as he could remember.

“The, by all means, feel free to keep going; it feels fucking great. Unless you need me to help tell you what to do?”

“No, I think I got this.” You pulled your hair back before situating yourself in between his legs, holding his shaft close to your mouth. “Just sit back and relax, okay?”

“Okay.”

Suguru watched with bated breath as you slowly leaned down. Your eyes were focused on his before your tongue darted out, kitten licking his tip. The man lost his shit right there. Suguru threw his head back, grunting as his eyes rolled back in pleasure. Fuck, it felt good mentally and physically. Finally, have you been doing the things he had imagined doing since he was a teenager? It was better than he could’ve imagined. God, he wasn’t going to last long.

His tip's salty yet sweet taste made you more eager to take him in your mouth. You swirl your tongue around relishing in the sounds that escaped your best friends mouth. One of his hands gripped the back of his sofa while the other grabbed his shirt, tugging it tight. He looked so hot when drowning in pleasure; seeing him like that gave you a confidence boost. You had never done this before, but you had read plenty of erotic novels, and you knew how to eat a popsicle. Putting both of them together gave you an idea of what to do.

While his chest heaved up and down, eyes shut tight, you took the whole head of his cock into your mouth you hummed. That action alone made Suguru’s hips buck up with a whine. His thrusting, pushing his cock against the back of your throat, made your eyes water as you gagged around him. Almost instantly, Suguru pulled back out, sitting up on his elbows to look down at you with concern etched into his features.

“Fuck Princes, I’m sorry! Are you sorry?”

“Mhmm!” You hummed around him, making his jaw clench at the vibrations around him.

“F-Fuck—haaah—fuuuuck.” His hand slowly slid down, tangling in your hair, not forcing you down his shaft further. He just held onto you. “Fuck—”

You can’t help but stare up at him. The way his jaw drops, his eyes narrowing as they darken with lust. Watching him slowly lose himself to the pleasure had you squirming. You could feel yourself getting wet as the heat began to pool between your legs, urging you to keep going, to take him further into his mouth. So you did; inhaling through your nose, you took more of your best friend into your mouth, gagging slightly as he slid further down into your throat.

Suguru was utterly losing himself in the sensation of being buried in your mouth. I was so wet and tight, and you knew what you were doing. Despite being a virgin and never having a boyfriend, Suguru was thoroughly impressed with how well you were taking him. Your lips around his thick fat cock, taking him down your throat, had him teetering on the edge of his release like he was a virgin.

He dropped his arm off the back of his couch, covering his eyes. What the hell was happening to him? Why was it he could barely compose himself when he was around you?

You always had that effect on him. “Fuuuck—shit—” His fingers gently scratched your scalp as you took him deeper, bobbing your head up and down, making his cock wet with your saliva and his pre-cum. “Fuck~ you’re doing such a good job, pretty girl~ so good.” A rosy blush dusted Suguru’s cheeks as his chest heaved faster, the muscles in his abdomen twitching from the pleasure.

Pulling off his cock, you slowly lick the underside of it right against the vein. He had grazed when he would touch himself. The most sensitive part of his cock. A hiss passed through his lips while his hands remained tangled in your hair. You grinned, pressing gentle kisses over him, nibbling on the soft skin before your kitten looked at the leaking slit.

“Could you maybe— fuck my throat?”

If you hadn’t been squeezing his bass when you were, Suguru was afraid that he might cum all over your hand at your request. “W-What seriously?” Your request was not entirely out of left field. It still left him in stunned silence.

“Yeah, Ilsan is a bit rough, so I wanted to see what it was like?” When in reality, you just wanted to see him lose all of the control he was barely grasping.

“I can do that, but if it gets too intense, just tap my thigh, okay?”

You opened your mouth to respond, only to have Suguru grab onto your hair with both his hands and force his cock into your mouth. “M-Mmmphm!” as he slid his shaft over your tongue and down the back of your throat with a gentle thrust.

“Fuck yeah, Princess~ god, you must feel so fucking good~” he pulled his shaft out of your mouth, just about to hit the back of your teeth before he slammed back into you, making you gag as he hit the back of your throat. “Nngh! Shit~ ooooh fuckin’ hell, that’s so good.”

“Mmm! Mmmhpm! Mmm!” You cried out each time his cock slid in and out of your mouth, making a mixture of drool and pre-cum leak out the sides of your mouth, dribbling down your chin and onto the couch beneath you.

“Oooh god—oooh fuck—haaaah!” A low moan sounds deep in your best friends chest. He lifted his head, watching his tears weld in your eyes, streaming down your cheeks, a trail of mascara left on your pretty, beautiful cheeks. “Fuck—Princess, I’m going to—I’m gonna cum. Wh-Where do you—nngh!”

Upon hearing his orgasm was approaching him, you grabbed both of his thick thighs, squeezing them as you moved in tandem with his hand. Your head up and down as fast as you could without making yourself gag more. Your eyes were transfixed solely on him as tears blurred your vision. Suguru knew where you wanted him to cum—and it was down your throat.

“F-Fuck—I-I’m cu-cumming! Cumming!”

Spurts of his hot cum that had covered your hand days before now filled your willing mouth. It was salty but also strangely sweet. That might be because Suguru was always eating healthy and making sure to eat plenty of vegetables and fruit. You’d have to thank him for that later; right now, all you could focus on was how good he tasted all over your tongue.

You swallow every drop, only pulling away when Suguru’s grip on your hair loosens and rests on your head, gently stroking your hair back. He was grinning drunkenly as he watched you lick your lips, smiling down at him as you fixed his sweats. Once you were done, he yanked you down to rest on his chest as he continued to caress you with his hands gently.

“Are you sure you’ve never done that?” The tone of his voice was stern. “Because holy shit, you sucked the soul out of my dick.”

You couldn’t help but giggle, snuggling into his chest as you rested your chin on his sternum, watching him closely. “Yep, I’ve never done that.” He shook his head, taking a deep breath as he did. “Did I do a good job?”

“I just said you sucked my soul out of my cock; yes, you did a phenomenal job, Princess.”

You smiled sweetly, losing yourself in his stare as he leaned down to kiss you softly. For the briefest moments, you stiffened, but you found yourself melting into his kiss with a happy hum. This was the perfect way to research for your book.

That was the sort of way things went about for two weeks. Grinding, making out, oral sex, and nothing between you changed, aside from the constant need to be around each other. You both had been close before, but now you were practically inseparable.

Weekends were spent together, meals were shared as you worked together, or Suguru sketched in your apartments while you wrote at his place. Not only did your work improve during this change, but you could also see a change in Suguru. He looked less tired, wasn’t having any more nightmares, and just seemed genuinely happy.

God, what a time to be together.

A time where you were closer and happier. Things felt so good, and the more time you spent together, the more you began to worry less about your book and focus more on your relationship. You created different scenarios for your characters to spice things up for your ‘research.’ And you knew deep down that Suguru knew it was a bullshit excuse to hook up. You could see it in the way his dark eyes would twinkle with mischief before he agreed to do whatever you requested with no questions asked.

“Fuck!” You gasped out as Suguru ground him against your clothed sex. His hands were hooked under your knees, spreading them as he sensually ground to the low R&B playing through the speakers. “Fuuuck~ that feels good.”

“Heh—yeah, it does.” His lips attached to your neck sucking and kissing on the sensitive skin. “You always feel good~ so good~.”

You ran your hands through his dark hair, holding his mouth against your neck. “Please don’t stop.” He grunted, eyebrows knitting together as you whimpered his name.

Suguru’s fingers dug into your thighs, bucking faster, not intending to stop at all. Instead, he moved faster, making you cry out, tugging on the dark strands as she sucked on, leaving several hickies against your skin. God, he could get used to this. Domestic shit, making dinner, but losing yourselves in grazing touches and kisses on cheeks. Leaving the bell peppers on the cutting board uncut and the steak sitting in the fridge. The corkscrew was still embedded in the unopened bottle of wine as you ground against each other, inching closer and closer to sweet release.

“Suguru~ hah—“ your hands grip his shoulders, holding them tight as he grinds hard, faster, “c-close!”

Somehow, Suguru pulled his lips off your neck, allowing him to press his forehead against yours. “Yeah~ gonna cum, Princess~? Gonna cream your panties~?” You lean in, bringing down his bottom lip as you rock against him, matching his movements and speed.

“Yes~ I-I’m so close!”

“Then do it~ cum for me~” he kisses you deeply as he grinds faster and faster until you both are crying out against moving lips, eyes shut tight as waves of your orgasm wash over you. “Oooh fuck~!”

“Fuuuck~ fuck!” You cry out, feeling your panties grow wetter and wetter. “Oh my god, Sugu~” you pant against his kiss-swollen lips while he lazily nods.

“Yeah, shit.” He grumbles with a moan.

“I need to borrow some boxers or sweats.”

“Yeah? You make a mess?”

He teases you with a peck to your cheek as he gently releases his hold on your legs, helping you off his counter. “Yeah, no thanks to you.”

“Oh please, you’re as much to blame for this as me.”

Suguru presses another kiss against your cheek. “I’ll take the blame, but I’ll start on dinner if you want to go raid my closet for sweats.” The glimmer in your eyes had your best friend gently flicking your forehead. “Just sweats, none of my hoodies, dork.” That statement had you pouting as Suguru gently slapped your ass, pushing you forward.

“No fair.”

“Life ain’t fair; your notebook is on the dresser if you need to write notes.”

You give him a thumbs up as you head into his room, ignoring the glittery notebook and heading straight for the closet instead. The more often nights like this occurred, the more you didn’t care about taking notes or jotting down ideas. Instead, you find yourself wanting to spend every waking moment with Suguru.

Notebook aside, you stripped out of your clothes, folding them up, before grabbing a pair of his baggy gray sweats as his phone buzzed on his nightstand. Glancing down at the screen, you resisted the urge to gag as you saw Manami’s name appear.

“Eeew, Sugu, the troll you call an agent, is texting you!” You grab his phone, unlocking it as you return to the kitchen. The sound of chopped vegetables echoed off the walls as Suguru looked up at you. “Want me to read you what she said?”

“Yeah, it’s probably about this client she found.”

Opening the chat, you pull out the barstools at his breakfast bar before him and clear your throat. “Geto, the new client, loved the sketch you submitted, and he would like to proceed with the next steps for the painting to be done. He has paid in advance.” Suguru did a little fist bump before he slid the peppers into a sizzling pan. “I also wanted to discuss the offer from the Amanai Foundation. They will pay for our room and board for the four months we’ll be in Okinawa finishing the aquarium piece.”

The spatula falls from his hand as he turns to you, staring into your wide eyes and pale complexion staring at the phone. You blankly stare at the message as big tears form in your eyes. Suguru watchI in horror as tears stream down your cheeks.

“What does she mean you two are going to Okinawa for four months together?”

Forever Tag List:

@darkstarlight82 @pandoness @nealeart @simp-plague @sugurubabe @chilichopsticks

Tag List (TO BE ADDED AGE MUST BE IN BIO)

@lemonintrovert01 @spankmydepression @renttheannihilator @witchbybirth @missmuffinr @lialia3945 @theobsidianempress @aquasan29 @toffeebrat @aussiemeerkat @chimichangagirl @zoroisminty @spankmydepression @em-aizawa @gojosimp26 @moonlightazriel @maskedpacific

[kirbybecomesastarwarrior]

Happy Father's Day~ (for the Dads of KBASW)

Did you think I would be late for Father's Day (like last year)? Hahaha yes!

King Dedede & Banadana Dee:

I've kept King Dedede's Arc pretty hush (since it does dive into pretty dark territory) and Bandee is extremely integral to his change. And you can understand why Dedede's incredibly attached to Bandee (vice-versa).

Bandee is one of the only ones who believed in the king and stayed by his side. And King Dedede growing a drive to change... wanting to become someone worthy of Bandee's trust and loyalty.

After Escargoon quits on him (which affects & hurts him greatly), he promises to do everything he can to "treat dis boy right!"Which results in King Dedede treating him more like a son than his right-hand man.

King Fisher, Prince Fluff & Falspar:

As I've said before Fisher King adored his son to bits and pieces ... and gave his life just for the chance to be a father. And never regretted having Fluff... if his accident is what leas him to have his son then he doesn't regret that either.

(Basically, a near-death experience was what led him & his wife to be unable to have children... an accident that Falspar was blamed for by Uther & the Ancients to save face...)

After the whole debacle with the Grail & Faspar wants to make it up to Fluff, (even though Fluff has already forgiven him). However, that's not good enough for Falspar so what does he do...

This is basically Falspar's walk of penance (similar to his counterpart Sir Percival)... And he does this by finding out what happened to Fluff's mom for him. They were both able to give each other the closure they needed: Falspar with the King Fisher incident with the Grail & Fluff with the disappearance of his mom...

Falspar becomes a second father to Fluff he's affectionately called Uncle Parry by him (Fluff). Falspar's laid-back nature was just what Fluff needed in his life. Being there for Fluff gave Falspar this unspeakable sense of fulfillment... finally understanding what the Grail meant... and King Fisher's attitude of gratitude for him.

Fisher was always thankful to Falspar for his accident because it's what led him to have a son... and Falspar in turn becomes grateful to Fisher because of his son (Fluff).

(Gah~ still weeping)

Sir Arthur & Meta Knight:

As I've said before, when Meta Knight was born he was sent through the dream fountain as a living bomb by Nightmare. He (MK) would not obey him and saw him as a failed experiment so he expelled him hoping he could do a little damage... believing he would die on arrival.

He was wrong... Meta Knight's creation was blasphemy and the fact he didn't have a warpstar was proof of that. He was an astral that was born out of the creation of Void.

And of course, Sir Uther tried to execute him immediately... but Sir Arthur wasn't having it. Everyone saw a monster, but all Sir Arthur could see was a frightened little boy begging for someone to save him... (it was a feeling all too familiar when he dealt with Sir Uther's cruelty).

Not only that he couldn't bear to see another innocent being accused of treason *cough* Celestine.

Using all the knowledge & the lessons he's had (with Celestine/ Merlyn) he manages to convince the Ancients to spare Meta's life and allow him to take the baby in. And his new status as "holy knight" protected him so Uther couldn't do anything to override his decision.

However, the old toad had one last (pathetic) try and exclaimed, "IF YOU KEEP THAT SPAWN OF NIGHTMARE YOU WILL NO LONGER BE MY RIGHT HAND AND I WILL DISSOWN YOU!"

Uther had assumed he'd come crawling back believing he still had Arthur under his thumb. (Little did he know Arthur had changed a long time ago.) Instead, he turns to his old mentor "Then I would formally like to abdicate my position as your right-hand man."

Arthur turns back to Meta and scoops him in his arms wrapping him in his cape (the red cape). "And besides I'll have my hands and won't be able to properly take care of this one."

"WHAT!?"

He walked away from his cruel master and never looked back. Meta Knight always saw Arthur as his savior, but in reality, it was Meta Knight who saved him.

After Celestine's death (or that's what he thought), Arthur was really struggling, and even more so after she was erased.

Being one of the only people who remembered her, apart of him though she might have been a figment of his imagination. But he didn't care "Even if she was just a dream... then she was a beautiful dream..." and as long as Merlyn existed... so did she.

He held on to the memory of her for dear life... "that there was always something to live for... "Meta Knight was that something to him.

Kirby & Meta Knight:

Guys, I don't think I need to explain the last one that much cause... come on it's "Meta Dad."

(I'd expand on this more but then we'd be here for hours/ also that would be spoilers to KBASW: The Knightmare's End... I really got to finish the next chapter)

Basically Sunshine heals old lonely war veteran~

The whole father-son relationship between Kirby & Meta Knight is two outsiders finding this family within each other... and then in turn being able to make a safe space for everyone and each other.

Their Father-Son relationship ultimately made each other grow closer to their respective destinies. With Kirby becoming a Star Warrior and Meta Knight becoming the leader of the GSA,

So anyways I hope you enjoyed the dads of KBASW!

[mxnhoo]

late nights, in the middle of June (n. rk)

⌜ ⌝

ılı.lıllılı.ıllı.

ᴺᵒʷ ᵖˡᵃʸᶦⁿᵍ; [ Heatwaves - Glass Animals ]

1:07 ——◦———— -3:58 ↠

ⁿᵉˣᵗ ˢᵒⁿᵍ ↺ ʳᵉᵖᵉᵃᵗ ⊜ ᵖᵃᵘˢᵉ

ᴠᴏʟᴜᴍᴇ : ▮▮▮▮▮▮▯▯▯

⌞ ⌟

synopsis : a friendship breakup which hurt more than your actual breakups. genre : angst w/c : 2.7k a/n : it is infact a late night in the middle of June, and i'm thinking about someone :'D and this unfortunately was something that actually happened to me with that someone and one of my ex's, had to pull up some old texts for this LMAO. not proofread, sorry if there are any mistakes

playlist : to riki, i'm sorry. here's a playlist i made for this imagine!

------------------------------------

Emptiness.

Emptiness was something that filled you.

It's that feeling you get when something so special was abruptly taken away from you.

You knew it would happen, yet you didn't change anything when you had the chance to, because you assumed everything would be fine.

You knew that it was only your fault, not his.

It was your fault that the friendship had been neglected, all because you liked a stupid boy.

But now that it's too late, all you can do is reminisce about the things that happened at night.

9:13P.M.

It was June 15th. The sound of raindrops, thunder, and your music blasting were the only things you could hear

On Spotify, Heatwaves was playing.

"Sometimes all I think about is you, late nights in the middle of June"

Your apartment dim, with only the lamp across the room turned on, and your curtains covering the window

You stared at the bright computer screen in front of you. The screen was so bright it was practically burning your eyes, but you could care less with the amount of energy you have, and the feeling of your heartconstantly aching.

The screen displayed photos of you.

You and Ni-ki.

There was a selfie of you and Ni-ki in a public bus. It was the day you and him played bowling for the first time.

Another one, this time in his house. In the photo, Ni-ki was making an ugly face and you were shaking in the frame, indicating your laughter.

"Fuck.

I fucking miss him."

There was more.

One photo was a formal picture. It was taken on his birthday. His hair shorter than usual, probably because he was forced to have a haircut for the special day, and him holding onto your waist while holding up a peace sign as you smiled at him.

There was even more photos. Even in games.

In Roblox, there a screenshot of both of your characters. You remembered this night, it was when you both played Bingo and cursed at random strangers who managed to win when you were close.

In Valorant, there was a screenshot. You were playing Cypher, and he was playing Raze. You took a screenshot from Cypher's camera and in the frame was both you and him together.

One more in Call of Duty, another in PUBG.

Fuck, there was far too many photos.

There were too many for your liking.

And you hated how you remembered every single one of them. What you both were doing, how the calls were and the jokes you cracked on that day.

You even recalled those calls when all you did was talk. Talk about life, rant our feelings, and there was never a moment where you felt invalidated. That was rare for you.

You both enjoyed during karaoke calls over discord too. You both shared a playlist, and both of your favourite songs to sing together was 'Best Friend - Rex Orange County'.

Your heart dropped even more if that was even possible, and you lowered your eyelids, allowing the darkness to take over. You lean your head back, resting it on the cushion behind you, and you let out a long defeated sigh.

Regret.

You really regretted everything you did.

Why did you have to fuck up and lose someone like him?

You regret not responding faster when you gotten a notification from him.

You regret turning him down when he invites you out, or to a game.

You regret neglecting him when you liked someone.

Fucking hell, you didn't even like him romantically, why the fuck does it hurt so much?

There were so many days when people convinced the two of you were dating, and so many times when you stayed up late at night debating whether you genuinely had romantic or platonic feelings for him.

It was never romantic, only platonic.

So why the fuck does it hurt this much?

You opened another tab, and quickly typed in the link to your usual chatting app.

Scroll... And there was his name. His contact was still the inside joke you both had.

The last message was sent by him, and it was an "okay''. It was sent 2 years ago.

On your spotify, Heat Waves finished playing and Best Friend started playing. Dedicating your favourite songs to someone is the worst thing to do.

"I can't wait to be your number one, I'll be your biggest fan and you'll be mine but I still wanna break your heart and make you cry."

There were so.. so many moments when you just wanted to message him and catch up with him, but everytime you opened his chat, the fear overpowers your desire. Your desire to reconnect, the desire to catch up, the desire to fix everything.

You scroll up your chat.

"I'm sorry for-"

It was the apology message from you. One of the many apology messages you sent to him. Your stomach instantly dropped and you quickly scrolled up further before you could fully read the message and relive the past arguments you had with him.

2 December

y/n : BRO do yk what him n i did today y/n : he literally y/n : LET ME PLAY W HIS HAIR?!?? y/n : fucking hell bro y/n : HE'S SO CUTE THE FUCK?? y/n : I LOVE JAY SM nrk : lmao

"I'm on my own shit now, and let me tell you how it feels to be fucking great"

10 November

nrk : BITCH nrk : HOP ON VALO y/n : wait i'm calling him nrk : okayyyy nrk : hello? nrk : oi nrk : r u there nrk : i already started brah

nrk : bro nrk : ??? it's been an hour y/n : SHIT I'M SO SORRY y/n : him and i were talking about something important y/n : SORRYYDHUSCFH nrk : o nrk : okey

"I feel great"

14 August

y/n : fuck bro i feel like the bitch is looking at me nrk : no fucking way nrk : u better get tf up and MAKE that bih stop looking at u y/n : fuck off nrk : oh

"You need to be yourself, and love someone for loving you instead of someone really cool who makes your heart melt, who knows what you truly felt"

10 July

y/n : bro y/n : there's this dude barking in front of me?? y/n : furry core nrk : LMFAOO TF??? y/n : HAHAHAHAHAH y/n : reminds me of u nrk : TF?? NAHHHH BRO

"You're gunna wanna be my bestfriend baby, you're gunna wanna be my bestfriend"

27 May

nrk : dude chan approached me and fr asked me if we were dating y/n : LMAO TF?? y/n : i already told chan i liked jay nrk : yea bruh nrk : idk y he still asked me that nrk : 💀 y/n : LOL y/n : anyways y/n : roblox? nrk : bet, hop on disc

"I said that, you're gunna wanna be my bestfriend baby, you're gunna wanna be my bestfriend"

28 February

y/n : i think y/n : i might like someone.. nrk : BITCH WHOOO???? y/n : UM.. y/n : idk if u know him y/n : jay nrk : OMG??? nrk : BRO HE'S IN MY CLASS y/n : WAIT WTF R U FR y/n : STOPPPP nrk : YA I LITERALLY SIT NEAE HIM nrk : NEAR* y/n : imagine making a typo y/n : im calling u on discord rn PICK UP y/n : TELL ME EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM nrk : OKAYWHDIOSJOIFJO

There was more. One thing you noticed was how the conversations could flow better as you scroll to your older chats.

"You're gunna wanna be my bestfriend baby, you're gunna wanna be my bestfriend"

Honestly, everytime you find a new friend, you never open up. You never text first, you never have the desire to know the person more.

But Ni-ki was different.

"You're gunna wanna be my bestfriend baby, you're gunna wanna be my bestfriend"

You wanted to talk to him everyday, play games with him, go out with him, and do so many things with him.

When Ni-ki was gone, you physically could not bring yourself to do the same with other people. The loud person you once were became someone who is quiet, more reserved.

"You're gunna wanna be my bestfriend baby, you're gunna wanna be my bestfrienddd"

And you hate it.

"I say that I'm happy"

You hate how you couldn't be yourself.

"I say that I'm happy"

You wished there were more people you were comfortable with, so you could truly be yourself without worrying.

"But no no no no, no no no no"

And again, you fucked up and the only person you were truly comfortable with left.

"But I still wanna be your favourite boy, I wanna be the one that makes your day, the one you think about as you lie awake"

At this point, tears were forming in your eyes. The verse that you and him always sang your lungs out to was playing, and it only made you feel worse.

"Why am I crying?

Why am I so sensitive?

I shouldn't feel this way, it was my fault...

I.. miss him.

I ... miss Ni-ki so much...."

"I can't wait to be your number, your number one, I'll be your biggest fan and you'll be mine but I still wanna break your heart and make you cry"

Your voice cracked as you cried out to yourself, your tears rolling down your cheeks as you held onto your chest. Your breathing rate becoming rapid as you start to sob.

There was this guy that you liked back then. His name was Jay. Park Jay. At first, he was someone you rarely had any interactions with, but because you both were in the same club . Randomly, you found him somewhat attractive, you started to romantacise every single interaction you both had.

From the way your hands accidentally touched when he passed you something, to the way you both laughed when you were talking.

Jay was the perfect person for your fantasies, because you craved love, you craved attention. Eventually, your crush on Jay became real and you started to interact with him more. Actually, instead of having a crush, you were becoming attached to Jay because you were depending on him to fulfill your desires.

Lucky for you, Ni-ki was in the same class as Jay, so everytime you would wanna fangirl or rant about Jay, Ni-ki was the perfect person to do so.

At first, you and Jay dated, but it lasted a week, and he initiated the break-up. The reason? It was apparently because 'he was not ready for a relationship'. But your dumbass thought he would eventually be ready, so you continued to court him.

Constantly treating him as if he was your boyfriend, constantly messaging him, thinking about him, being worried about him. Fuck, it was driving you crazy, but Ni-ki was going insane too.

He'd be the one having to deal with your rants and crying. He was sick of it.

It was even worse when you'd choose to hang out with Jay instead of Ni-ki even after Jay would treat you like shit.

Ni-ki was sick of it. Constantly being treated like the second option.

Ni-ki was really supportive, but would nag at you when it was necessary. There was once Jay broke your heart, leaving you crying for days, just for you to give Jay a gift a few days later that costs a LOT simply because Jay's birthday was coming up. Fuck, Jay didn't even give you anything for your birthday.

Slowly, you stopped talking to Ni-ki, simply because you were talking to Jay, and you felt as if Ni-ki was getting sick of you. Your chat with Ni-ki that used to be at the top every single day was slowly making it's way to the bottom.

Then, there was one day your entire world collapsed. Initially, Jay was ghosting you and you were confused as to why, but you didn't want to ask. Then suddenly, there was news being spread throughout the entire school that he was dating another girl. Jay was dating the girl he told you not to be worried about. It fucking broke you, and you weren't in the right state of mind.

The first person you messaged was Ni-ki when you found out.

y/n : you heard the news right y/n : he's a fucking liar y/n : i fucking hat ehim y/n : i dont know whar to think anymre y/n : i'm fucking crying rn nrk : what did i say? nrk : you never listened to me when i warned you y/n : i'm sorry y/n : i just thought he'd be the one for me nrk : be so fucking for real nrk : he tells you not to worry about her, yet he still hangs out with her nrk : you get angry at him, cry to me, and then suddenly when he texts you you're suddenly not angry anymore? nrk : have you lost all self respect for yourself nrk : do you not fucking realise the way he's been treating you? nrk : wake the fuck up nrk : he doesn't like you nrk : maybe he never even liked you nrk : why would you treat him like your boyfriend when you guys aren't even together? nrk : you allow yourself to get stepped over nrk : now look where it brought you? nrk : you even neglected me? nrk : you seriously put HIM over all your other priorities nrk : you even forgot about your OWN BEST FRIEND nrk : you always go out with him even when you and i already made plans nrk : do you know how i feel? nrk : i feel like SHIT nrk : sometimes i wish you never even liked him so we could still be our usual self nrk : now i see where im placed in ur life nrk : thanks for treating me so well. nrk : thanks for shutting me out of your life! y/n : riki.. y/n : i'm so sorry. y/n : i never knew you felt that way. y/n : honestly, i started distancing myself from u because i thought u were getting annoyed at me for talking about Jay so much. y/n : you were someone that I always talked to Jay about because i trusted you and you were in the same class as him, but idk u just started to seem dry everytime i brought Jay up so i thought u were annoyed at me y/n : that's why i started to talk to you less, and i stuck to other people. i was scared you would scold me again for talking to Jay, and i also felt like if i ranted to you, i'd be trauma dumping or something y/n : please tell me how i can improve

That day when you and Ni-ki had this text conversation, you were more worried about your friendship than Jay. Your appetite was practically non-existent while waiting for Ni-ki to respond.

nrk : nothing can be done if you're scared of me, right? nrk : i don't see a point in talking anymore if you're scared of me.

"Fuck me..."

y/n : nonono y/n : i'm not scared anymore y/n : there's no reason for me to be scared anymore y/n : i mean jay is already dating someone else. y/n : i don't care about him anymore nrk : are you so sure? nrk : weren't you the one who was crying to me and then instantly running back to him? y/n : i won't anymore, no more. nrk : u fucking better, i swear on god.

y/n : so.. are we okay now? nrk : i dont know nrk : are we? y/n : u have anything else to tell me? like how u feel? nrk : nah y/n : so we're okay now? nrk : ig

After that text conversation, the mood was never the same. Everytime you initiated the conversation, he would be dry. You slowly stopped trying to fight for the friendship.

y/n : heyy y/n : gl for ur exam! nrk : okay

This was the last text conversation you had with him.

And just like that, you lost your closest friend and your situationship in one day.

You sighed, reliving the memories you so desperately wanted to forget 2 years ago. Remembering the feelings of regret, you groaned and ruffled your hair in frustration.

It was all your fault. If only you had treated him properly back then, everything would've been fine.

Still being on the tab of the chat with him, you suddenly get a spontaneous boost of energy, and you started to type something on your keyboard.

"i'm sorry" was what you typed.

Realising that you should just move on, you sighed once again. It's been 2 years, but you were still affected by the fallout between you and Ni-ki. Friendship breakups definitely hurt more than relationship breakups.

On your laptop, you went to your folders, selecting the photos that contained memories of you and Ni-ki, trashing them. Your heart drops, worried that you would regret it, but you need to move on, you decided that it was for the best. After 10 minutes of clearing your gallery, you wanted to go back to your tabs.

The first tab you returned to was the chat with Ni-ki.

"Wait, wait what the fuck?"

Oh my god, you sent the message. You sent the ''i'm sorry'' message. Oh my god.

Your eyes widen and your heart starts to beat faster at the realisation. You hastily move your mouse to delete your message, but your eyes realise that he was online.

He was typing.

Oh my god.

nrk : y/n nrk : hey.

[babyrdie]

@annie-also-draws

I'm making a new post instead of reblogging because I was afraid this topic would be too long for a reblog lol! For the context of those who came to this post without knowing what we're talking about, it's about this other post here. I'm not going to put exact excerpts of everything I mention because I think the original post covers it.

And as always, my usual reminders:

I'm not a classicist or any other professional of that sort.

Disagree at will.

If you have something to correct or add, comment or reblog.

This post has a lot of details because I know that not everyone in these tags has read The Iliad, but they like to read posts about it, so I think it's good to provide as much content as possible.

But anyway, I guess the idea of Patroclus being sassy comes from Book 16 of The Iliad!

Typical portrayal of Patroclus

Patroclus is generally portrayed as a companion who balances Achilles's flaws: more patient, wise, approachable, and empathetic. This is also why Patroclus must be older than Achilles, because no matter how short the difference is, it's used as an argument for why Patroclus should be the advisor (and therefore the one who is listened to) even though Achilles is the one with more status.

Furthermore, Agamemnon generally had two advisors. One is Odysseus and the other is Nestor. And Nestor, a character portrayed as wise, thought there was a chance of getting to Achilles through Patroclus. This was because he knew that Patroclus would be more willing to listen than Achilles, and he was hopeful that, as he was someone Achilles would normally listen to, there would be a change in attitude. This happens in Book 11.

Nestor also doesn't appear to be the only one to have had this reasoning. Phoenix, also a character more wise than warrior, told the story of Meleager and Cleopatra which is a parallel to the story of Achilles and Patroclus. Although the text doesn't make it clear whether it's a purposeful attitude by the character or just a narrative parallel, I still think it's significant since Patroclus was present in this conversation and therefore heard Phoenix. This happens in Book 9.

Another example of Patroclus acting as a kind of "bridge" between Achilles and other characters is in the only line Briseis has, where she says that Patroclus promised that he would marry her to Achilles. The idea of marrying her captor seems horrible, but we have to remember that in the historical context Briseis would be safer as a legitimate wife than as a slave. I imagine she also didn't know about the prophecy that Achilles would die in Troy, so she probably thought she could ensure a stable life by doing so. This happens in Book 19.

Homer also has other characters emphasize how kind Patroclus was after his death. He also makes it clear that Patroclus was best able to control the agitated temperaments of the divine horses Balius and Xanthus. Overall, in The Iliad he's a controlled and pleasant character. That's why he's often portrayed this way in modern times too —because Patroclus is like that most of the time!

Patroclus' moment of aristeia

However, in Book 16 this doesn't happen. Patroclus isn't controlled, wise, kind or rational in Book 16. In fact, he's the opposite, he's almost a deconstruction of the character. This is ironic, since Patroclus' shining moment is precisely Book 16 — the moment of his aristea, that is, when a character proves to be the aristo, "the best". Ironically, his aristea happens in a setting where his personality isn't his usual self.

Achilles accepts the suggestion to let Patroclus go in his armor, but with one requirement: Patroclus had a limit on how far he could advance and, once he reached that limit, he had to return. He gives two reasons for this:

He's afraid that one of the gods on the Trojan side will kill Patroclus. Ironically, he even mentions Apollo, which later actually kills Patroclus.

He wants him and Patroclus to share the glory. This wouldn't be possible if Patroclus got all the glory. This makes me think that Achilles planned to return to war, even with Patroclus alive…after all, what glory would the two achieve together if not like this (since Achilles knew he wouldn't leave Troy alive)?

"[...] Once you have whipped the enemy from the fleet you must come back, Patrodus. Even if Zeus the thundering lord of Hera lets you seize your glory, you must not bum for war against these Trojans, madmen lusting for battle — not without me — you will only make my glory that much less… You must not, lost in the flush and fire of triumph, slaughtering Trojans outright. drive your troops to Troy— what if one of the gods who never die comes down from Olympus heights to intervene in battle? 110 The deadly Archer loves his Trojans dearly. No. you must turn back— soon as you bring the light of victory to the ships. Let the rest of them cut themselves to pieces on the plain! Oh would to god — Father Zeus. Athena and lord Apollo not one of all these Trojans could flee his death, not one, no Argive either, but we could stride from the slaughter so we could bring Troy's hallowed crown of towers toppling down around us — you and I alone!"

The Iliad, 16.101-119. Translation by Robert Fagles.

Achilles even makes a libation to Zeus, asking Zeus to guide Patroclus in the fight and bring him safely. Zeus accepts the first request, but not the second.

But Achilles strode back to his shelter now and opened the lid of the princely inlaid sea chest that glistening-footed Thetis stowed in his ship to carry, filled to the brim with war-shirts, windproof cloaks and heavy fleecy rugs. And there it rested… his handsome, well-wrought cup. No other man would drink the shining wine from its glowing depths, nor would Achillespour the wine to any other god, none but Father Zeus. Lifting it from the chest he purified it with sulphur crystals first 270 then rinsed it out with water running clear, washed his hands and filled it bright with wine. And then, taking a stand before his lodge, he prayed, pouring the wine to earth and scanning the high skies and the god who loves the lightning never missed a word: "King Zeus — Pelasgian Zeus, lord of Dodona's holy shrine, dwelling far away, brooding over Dodona's bitter winters! Your prophets dwelling round you, Zeus, the Selli sleeping along the ground with unwashed feet… If you honored me last time and heard my prayer 280 and rained destruction down on all Achaea's ranks, now, once more, I beg you, bring my prayer to pass! I myself hold out on shore with the beached ships here but I send my comrade forth to war with troops of Myrmidons— Launch glory along with him, high lord of thunder, Zeus! Fill his hean with courage — so even Hector learns if Patroclus has the skill to fight his wars alone, my friend-in. arms, or his hands can rage unvanquished only when I go wading in and face the grind of battle. aut once he repels the roaring onslaught from the ships 290 let him come back to me and our fast fleet-unharmed wtth all my armor round him, all our comrades fighting round my friend!" So Achilles prayed and Zeus in all his wisdom heard those prayers. One prayer the Father granted, the other he denied: Patrodus would drive the onslaught off the ships — that much Zeus granted, true, but denied him safe and sound return from battle. Once Achilles had poured the wine and prayed to Zeus, he returned to his shelter, stowed the cup in the chest 300 then took his stand outside, his spirit yearning still to watch Achaeans and Trojans struggle to the death.

The Iliad, 16.261-302. Translation by Robert Fagles.

Patroclus killed A LOT of people alone in his aristeia, but not just that. He's also described in a way that you wouldn't associate him with someone with a controlled temper. He doesn't seem like the calculating type of warrior, he seems like a more wild type. It can be said that Patroclus is really bloodthirsty in Book 16.

Hundreds of plunging war-teams dragging chariots down. snapping the yoke-poles. ditched their masters' cars and Patroclus charged them. heart afire for the kill, shouting his Argivesforward — "Slaughter Trojans!" Cries of terror breaking as Trojans choked all roads, 440 their lines ripped to pieces. up from under the hoofs a dust storm swirling into the clouds as rearing horses broke into stride again and galloped back to Troy, leaving ships and shelters in their wake. Patroclus— wherever he saw the biggest masses-dashing before him, there he steered, plowing ahead with savage cries and fighters tumbled out of their chariots headfirst, crushed under their axles. war-cars crashing over, yes, but straight across the trench went his own careering team at a superhuman bound. Magnificent racing stallions. 450 gifts of the gods to Peleus, shining immortal gifts. straining breakneck on as Patroclus' high courage urged him against Prince Hector. keen for the kill but Hector's veering horses swept him clear.

The Iliad, 16.436-454. Translation by Robert Fagles.

He's even compared to Ares, who in The Iliad is very clearly reaffirmed as a bloodthirsty type of deity. Even other gods don't see him in the best light. Although, of course, the comparison with Ares also serves to illustrate the character's warrior ability (in this specific example, speed). Menelaus, for example, receives the association with Ares as well and he's a good warrior..

Three times he charged with the headlong speed of Ares, screaming his savage cry, three times he killed nine men.

The Iliad, 16.912-913. Translation by Robert Fagles.

Achilles is the one remembered for what he did to Hector's corpse, but he wasn't the only Homeric character to wish to do so. He was just the only one who got to the corpse, and that's why he's more memorable. Hector wanted to do the same with Patroclus's corpse, even offering rewards to the Trojan who retrieved the corpse, and before that Patroclus wanted to do the same with Sarpedon after killing him. Hector was unable to do this because Menelaus saved the corpse and bought time for the Achaeans to help recover Patroclus' body. Patroclus also failed to get Sarpedon's corpse, as the Trojans stopped him.

But the Argives surged to Patroclus' savage spirit— he spurred the Aeantes first, both ablaze for battle: 650 "Ajax, Ajaxl Come — now thrill to fight as before, brave among the brave, but now be braver still! Their captain's down, the first to storm our wall, the great Sarpedon. If only we could seize his body, mutilate him, shame him, tear his gear from his back and any comrade of his who tries to shield his corpse— bring that enemy down witn ruthless bronze!"

The Iliad, 16.649.657. Translation by Robert Fagles.

That is, in Book 16, Patroclus attempted to commit the same crime as Achilles. And he would have committed it, if he hadn't been stopped. And while Achilles did this to Hector SPECIFICALLY because of Patroclus, Patroclus wanted to do it to Sarpedon because he "felt entitled" so to speak. It wasn't because he was angry, sad, etc, he was simply feeling like he could do anything.

Remember how I said that Zeus accepted Achilles' first request (to give glory to Patroclus) but not his second (to guarantee safety to Patroclus)? As I've already made clear, he did indeed give the glory, but he didn't guarantee the safety because Zeus is actually one of the reasons for Patroclus' death.

He kept them fixed on the struggling mass forever, the Father's spirit churning, thrashing out the ways, the numberless ways to cause Patroclus' slaughter… To kill him too in this present bloody rampage over Sarpedon's splendid body? Hector in glory cutting Patroclus down with hacking bronze then tearing the handsome war-gear off his back? Or let him take still more, piling up his kills?

The Iliad, 16.751-758. Translation by Robert Fagles.

He did it not because he was being petty or anything like this, it was just that Patroclus was destined to die and Zeus in The Iliad follows what is destined. For example, he wanted to save Sarpedon from Patroclus, but he didn't because Sarpedon had to die. So the reason Zeus quickly refused Achilles' second request is because he knew he couldn't compromise the fate. Later, Zeus declares Hector's destined death for having killed Patroclus. In other words, he's in fact doing this simply because destiny calls for this chain of events. It's not like Zeus wants Sarpedon dead, wants Patroclus dead because he's upset about his son's death, and then declares Hector dead because he suddenly decides he wants to avenge Patroclus.

In Book 8, Zeus is even described with a balance:

But once the sun stood striding at high noon. 80 then Father Zeus held out his sacred golden scales: in them he placed two fates of death that lays men low— one for the Trojan horsemen, one for Argives armed in bronze— and gripping the beam mid-haft the Father raised it high and down went Achaea's day of doom, Achaea's fate settling down on the earth that feeds us all as the fate of Troy went lifting toward the sky.

The Iliad, 8.80-87. Translation by Robert Fagles.

Just going a little off topic to try and contextualize Zeus because I don't want to make it seem like this is a case of "shit, damn Zeus!" His character here is sort of responsible for balance.

Anyway, Zeus chooses how to make Patroclus die. He makes Hector want to retreat, which consequently makes the Trojans retreat since Hector is the one leading them (in this scene, again the image of Zeus as responsible for the balance appears, since we have the phrase "He knew that Zeus had tipped the scales against him"). Zeus does this with the intention of making Patroclus disobey Achilles: that is, to go beyond the limit that Achilles gave him.

But Patroclus, giving a cry to Automedon whipping on his team, 800 Patroclus went for Troy's and Lycia's lines, blind in his fatal frenzy — luckless soldier. If only he had obeyed Achilles' strict command he might have escaped his doom, the stark night of death. But the will of Zeus will always overpower the will of men. Zeus who strikes fear in even the bravest man of war and tears away his triumph, all in a lightning flash, and at other times he will spur a man to battle. just as he urged Patroclus' fury now

The Iliad, 16.800-809. Translation by Robert Fagles.

Patroclus, in an inconsequential act, tries many times to attack the walls of Troy, but Apollo repels him on all occasions, shouting that not even Achilles is destined to conquer Troy, much less Patroclus. Apollo then incites Hector, who is uncertain, to kill Patroclus. In the confrontation, Hector's ally and half-brother, Cebriones, is accidentally killed by Patroclus as he attempts to hit Hector. And well, let's just say Patroclus's reaction isn't exactly the most honorable.

The sharp stone crushed both brows, the skull caved in and both eyes burst from their sockets, dropping down in the dust before his feet as the reinsman vaulted, plunging off his well-wrought car like a diverCebriones' life breath left his bones behind and you taunted his corpse, Patroclus O my rider: "Look what a springy man, a nimble, flashy rumbler! Just think what he'd do at sea where the fish swarm— why. the man could glut a fleet. diving for oysters! Plunging overboard, even in choppy, heaving seas, just as he dives to ground from his war-car now. Even these Trojans have their tumblers — what a leap!" And he leapt himself at the fighting driver's corpse with the rushing lunge of a lion struck in the chest as he lays waste pens of cattle— his own lordly courage about to be his death. So you sprang at Cebriones, full fury, Patroclus, as Hector sprang down from his chariot just across and the two went tussling over the corpse as lions 880 up on the mountain ridges over a fresh-killed stag— both ravenous, proud and savage — fight it out to the death. So over the driver here and both claw-mad for battle, Patrodus son of Menoetius, Hector ablaze for glory strained to slash each other with ruthless bronze. Hector seized the corpse's head, would not let go— Patrodus clung to a foot and other fighters clashed, Trojans, Argives, all in a grueling, maiming onset.

The Iliad, 16.862-888. Translation by Robert Fagles.

Ironically, in addition to Achilles dishonoring Hector's body (as Patroclus previously tried to do with Sarpedon), he also throws Trojan corpses into the waters of the Scamander River, precisely the reason that angers the god and makes him fight Achilles (and here Patroclus, also before Achilles, tries to throw Cebriones' corpse into the river). Patroclus' attitude of unnecessarily mocking an enemy (as Cebriones was already dead. It's not like it's a mutual provocation between warriors or anything, it's simply someone stronger humiliating someone weaker) is also something that Achilles does.

And then we have the other important moment. Apollo takes off Patroclus' armor and breaks his spear. Not enough, Patroclus is also stunned. The funny part is that even with Patroclus at a clear disadvantage, one of the Trojans doesn't dare to face Patroclus.

He was the first to launch a spear against you, PatrocIus O my rider, but did not bring you down. Yanking out his ashen shaft from your body, back he dashed and lost himself in the crowds— the man would not stand up to PatrocIus here in mortal combat, stripped, defenseless as he was.

The Iliad, 16.943-948. Translation by Robert Fagles.

As we already know, Hector hits him with the spear and delivers the deadly blow (as shown before, Hector wasn't responsible for the first blow. Patroclus was already injured. He delivers the fatal blow). While Hector is boasting to Patroclus that he defeated him (he was like "you idiot, you thought you were going to conquer Troy and screw my people! Oh, but you didn't! You must have come here under the orders of that damn Achilles, but now you're dead! Oh sucker, your body will be eaten by the vultures!"), Patroclus responds in the following way:

Struggling for breath, you answered. Patroclus O my rider, "Hector! Now is your time to glory to the skies … now the victory is yours. A gift of the son of Cronus, Zeus —Apollo — toothey brought me down with all their deathless ease. they are the ones who tore the armor off my back. Even if twenty Hectors had charged against me— they'd all have died here, laid low by my spear. No, deadly fate in league with Apollo killed me. From the ranks of men, Euphorbus. You came third, and all you could do was finish off my life . . . One more thing — take it to heart, I urge you — you too, you won't live long yourself. I swear. Already I see them looming up beside you — death and the strong force of fate, to bring you down at the hands of Aeacus' great royal son… Achilles!"

And then he dies.

Basically, Hector had just stabbed him with a spear and was bragging, but Patroclus somehow still decided to use his last words to basically go "lol you really are an asshole. Know that I'm so badass that you just managed to defeat me because of Zeus and Apollo, I would have kicked your ass 20 times if it weren't for that. But don't twist your knickers too much because of this, idiot, Achilles is coming!" and proceeds to die. So yeah…at least no one can accuse Patroclus of not being able to be sharp when he wants to!

Summarizing what Patroclus did in Book 16, regardless of whether it was designed by Zeus:

He has the most deaths in a single book, and is described in a savage and bloodthirsty way while doing so. So it's not just that he's a skilled warrior, Patroclus is also not being his usual wiser, more controlled self while doing this. More than his skill, his bloodthirsty attitude is more remarkable.

He tries to dishonor a corpse, and then tries to throw another one into the water. None of these attitudes were considered morally correct, even by Ancient Greek standards. So no, it's not a case of "oh, but that's a modern morality"…it's not. The funeral was a very important thing, so preventing your enemy from having one wasn't seen in a positive light. It could even be seen as a contradiction to divine laws, something that Sophocles discusses in the play Antigone for example (In this case, the enemy who is denied his funeral is Polynices and the one who denies him is Creon).

He becomes careless and arrogant. He mocks the enemy when it's no longer necessary (Cebriones was already dead, for example), he advances further than he should, in general Patroclus keeps getting closer and closer to death the less rationally he acts.

He decided to use his last words to be as acidic as possible! Seriously, I know it's sad that Patroclus dies, but I find his last words hilarious. Dude was like "you suck and Achilles will kick your ass!" and then his soul left his body.

Conclusion

I guess another possibility is the Clysonimus incident. Regardless of how accidental it was, Patroclus as a child still killed Clysonimus for a silly reason (dices). This, at the very least, indicates that as a child at some point he became angry enough to have a conflict with another boy that would result in a death. Also note that I'm combining different sources in this account (which are in the original post), as not all of them explicitly state the name of the dead boy or the reason for the conflict. Anyway, the sources don't actually tend to detail the event…it's just a quick background. So it's not possible to have a good idea of how exactly Patroclus reacted and how the death happened with certainty.

But most people see this Clysonimus thing as just an extremely accidental death, so I genuinely think the reason Patroclus is sometimes associated with "sassy" is Book 16 although he wasn't 100% his usual self and there was divine interference in at least part of this (I'm talking about Zeus helping him have honor in battle, but also manipulating his death). However, gods interfering is a common thing, so Zeus also isn't THAT big of a detail. I doubt it's sassy thing is from another source either because the other sources for Patroclus aren't known as The Iliad.

And I don't know if people take this into account in the fics you've read, but Patroclus didn't mince words with that description either:

"No time to sit, old soldier dear to the gods. You won't persuade me. Awesome and quick to anger, the man who sent me here to find out who's been wounded, the one you've just brought in. But I can see him— 770 I recognize Machaon myself, the expert healer. So back I go to give Achilles the message. Well you know, old soldier loved by the gods, what sort of man heis — that great and terrible man. Why, he'd leap to accuse a friend without a fault."

The Iliad, 11.767-775. Translation by Robert Fagles.

In short, both the portrayal of Patroclus being kinder than other characters and him being somehow violent or sassy make sense. He is a balanced character. But, notably, him being bloodthirsty isn't typical of him, so portraying him as being that way 100% of the time would be a stretch. But yeah, he's definitely not an angel!

There are other things to talk about on the subject of Book 16, but I suppose I'll have to leave them for another post because they have no relation to the answer to this question and enter another territory. It also should take longer to write.

[a-slight-sweet-fiction]

I'm just saying that Kevin is such an important and powerful and meaningful character to I think MANY queer listeners who have survived religious (and other) abuse, and it would actually genuinely hurt my heart if his arc turned out to be:

"Once upon a time, there was a genuinely kind and selfless person who loved the people in his life enough to sacrifice himself to save them. But he wasn't strong enough, and found himself violently transformed into a tool of incredible violence, against his will.

"And the version of himself that still remembered what love and kindness were, that longed for human connection, survived within him. It persisted long after everything and everyone he had ever known had long since passed away. That version of him ached to live again, to be more than a twitch of the wrist in a body that no longer felt like his, to even remember his own name.

"That desire was so powerful that it manifested in the form of a young boy, one who hated everything he knew he would become and desperately tried to dismantle him.

"And finally, looking at his younger self, seeing it play out in this way, the older one finally regained enough pieces of his will. He consciously encountered a chance to change, to allow at least the young version of himself to be free again, to live happily in the real ways that a person can be happy, in ways that did not wrench the soul. He realized he had the choice to define his god with his beliefs, rather than the other way around. He took his younger self away from a god who wished to control him, and promised to raise him as his own.

"But in the end, the cycle could not be broken, because the violence within him was his, and he would not part with it. In the end, he chose to do harm. In the end, one day, he still chose to put the pot on the stove, and pour the boiling caramel into his own cupped palms."

[yannaryartside]

THE VALUE OF PARTNERS

ANOTHER REVISION OF THE PUSHING ELEMENT

I have been thinking about my favorite partnerships on TV and what made those relationships valuable in the professional world of the characters, but also incredibly transformational on a personal level, all in the context of the "pushing" thing the show and cast keep bringing up.

In good shows centered around partnerships, the two characters should not only complement each other, but also be crafted so their personalities and motives serve as an element that force each other to go through major character development. Most of the time, these changes are gonna build the "theme" of the show.

This essay discusses how SydCarmy follows the principles of the other 3 dynamics. Spoiler alert for all the shows. Long post underneath.

A PARTNER COMPENSATES THE THINGS YOU ARE NOT GOOD AT

Leo McGarry is the chief of staff of president Jed Bartlet in the show The West Wing. These two are long time friends, and is Leo who convinces Jed to run for president. Since the beginning, Leo makes a lot of decisions for Jed, and he continues to do so when he assumes power.

"Because you are a crappy politician," said Leo when Jed asked him why he should let in decide in certain matters. That is true; Jed was an idealist and a professor of economics who could see the world of conflicts in his mind like a movie, but Leo was the only one who knew how to deal with the malice of the political world. These were not defects; it was only the way they were built. But Leo showed Jed the person he could be. Jed shows Leo how to believe that actual change can be made.

In a recent article I read about S3, they said this season will show why Syd is such a "nonnegotiable" part of the staff (like that was not obvious before, but ok) because it will show her as a balance to Carmy's tempest. They complement each other in other aspects:

Carmy definitely is not good at the logistics part of things, and Syd probably will force him to consider certain things in his future vision the way she did in s1.

Syd is definitely not good at trusting herself, but Carmy helps her in this aspect.

Syd dreamed about actual "progress" and "excellence," not just doing "better," because for Carmy, doing "better' with what his family had given him was already more than he dared to imagine. I wonder how he will carry getting a star as his own intention.

Syd brings the water to every conflict Carmy puts fire into.

Carmy can bring "wisdom" to Syd's fears rooted in lack of experience. Consider the actual mature perspective about Syd's problems with his father and the "then nobody comes" answer to her fears about the restaurant in the table scene.

A PARTNER FORCES YOU TO TRANSFORM/ SHOWS YOU WHAT YOU COULD BE

In Elementary, Joan Watson is the sober companion of the drug-addicted detective Sherlock Holmes. As their personal relationship, respect, and care for each other grow, they form a professional partnership.

None of them could have become the ultimate version of themselves without each other.

Joan, with her friendship, encourages Sherlock to heal from the wounds that were the biggest threats to recovering from the addiction that ruined his life and professional career, not to mention their friendship, and the others she brought into his life gave Sherlock his first real chance at happiness.

Sherlock points to Joan how much she wants to obey society's rules for a woman to the point of not recognizing what she actually wants to do with her life. She mentors her into becoming a detective and helps her to recognize how boring she is of a mundane existence.

In the past and future of the show, Carmy and Syd are the characters who force change in each other the most, which is a constant catalyst for character development. Regardless of how much they wanted to change, the fact that they have given change a go is probably the biggest indicator of how much they want to make this work. They are each other's door to the ultimate version of themselves.

Carmy very much forced Syd to be a leader. She didn't feel prepared to form the brigade. Regardless of how much he created a scenario for the staff to resent her, the show wants to teach us that this was a deep fear of hers, and she needed to go through with it to not fear it any longer, all while Carmy was absent. Ironically, even when he actually wants to be present for her at the opening, we all know how that went. It will be interesting to see how much they will support each other next season. But in Carmy's eyes, Syd can see the person she was afraid she would not be able to become, the leader she needs to be if she wants to pursue this dream.

Carmy doesn't know how to operate outside the elements that made his home and past jobs so toxic. He is shaped by knives, but he has a deep gentleness inside and cares for people, which responds to Sydney's efforts for fairness and growth. In her eyes, he can clearly see the person he would like to become: a fair leader, the one he didn't have at home or at work.

There is also a final dark tone at this point: Carmy is pretty much the staple of the psycho chef that she has been afraid of her whole professional life. Working with Carmy (especially in S3) will definitely put her in a position of what she will do with that. It will "force" her to change, whatever that does to their professional and personal relationship.

A PARTNER MAKES YOU SEE THE WORLD IN OTHER EYES

Finally, this one is more rooted in the romantic/friendship aspect.

In the show Castle, a partnership forms between the closed-book detective Beckett and the eccentric mystery writer Castle. Their dynamic is rooted in their deep respect for each other and a ton of romantic/sexual tension. However, their conflicts tend to revolve around their perspectives of the world, and they must change it because of each other.

Castle teaches Beckett to see the world with enjoyment and wonder, which is deeply healing for her after a long time of her life being dictated by past trauma. Beckett and her work allow the Castle to channel some dark instincts he had hidden from himself and show him the hero he also always had inside him.

I think Syd allows Carmy a freedom of form he had never known before; she shows him understanding (actual one, not superficial like Claire tried to do based on shared trauma), compassion, and clear limits that force him to grow. She is actually reliable to the point his family never was. She never guilt trips him and has formed a good communication system and (most of the time) expectations.

Carmy admires Syd's honesty and freedom of spirit, and I think Syd admires Carmy's resilience. They have always wanted to be the best friends they can be for each other, which can be world-changing for both.

CONCLUSION: what does this mean for the pushing allegory

I guess it depends on how you use it. None of these characters came into each other's lives in a gentle way; the changes they were forced to make because they were in proximity to each other came with a lot of internal conflict. That is the point.

But "pushing": would have never gone far without the other half of te partnership accepting the new truth the partner was bringing in.

Because real change is only possible from within.

So the "push" is actually just an invitation, and it can only be that to be meaningful, healthy, and long-lasting. Let's see how the push goes in season 3.

Thank you for reading.

[prapaiwife]

This episode was a little bit mind-boggling in the sense of people's feelings coming to sudden realization. So with taem she had told yak from the beginning that she did not see him that way. And I'm not saying that her feelings can't change because that's normal that's part of life but in the way of like her sensing that there is going to be a shift in their relationship dynamic. And so she doesn't want to lose yak at all that she's not as opposed to the thought of seeing him as more as he wanted to in the beginning. Which is why she was okay if he kissed her but looked disappointed when he didn't make the move to do so when she already knows in the back of her mind that he likes her because he told her that before. Because I think she knows that his feelings for her aren't there anymore as much as he tried to make it seem like it was. His feelings are now with dee and I think she can sense that and see it but at the same time maybe held out to that sliver of hope that she could maybe have a chance and it wasn't too late. And I don't want to say that she lost him today because she will always have yak as her friend but it's the way of being like too late to realize that you do reciprocate those feelings because that person has already found someone who gives them that feeling already it just must really suck lol

But in this episode when they're about to kiss she didn't back down it looked as if she was kind of waiting for it to happen until yak was the one who pulled away. All the while she knows that dee and yak have something going on. I mean she saw the necklace she can clearly tell that he is some type of importance in yak's life. When they all showed up at the hospital for his volunteer project and she spoke to the she got a good feel of him and the person that he is. And so I kind of thought that she was on board in the sense of knowing that maybe this is where yaks feelings are really for. But at the same time with her now it seems suddenly reliziing her feelings for yak is it because she really took what they told her last week for real that they are nothing serious. Because it's pretty obvious that it is to others I mean kao knows. I don't know it was just boggling.

[moonlightndaydreams]

Limbo - part 9

Pairing: Lee Minho x fem reader x Han Jisung

part 1 / part 2 / part 3 / part 4 / part 5 / part 6 / part 7 / part 8 / part 9 /

Synopsis: Lee Minho is the mysterious new accountant at your workplace, and he seems to have his sights set on you. But things aren't so simple when your ex boyfriend Han comes back into the picture. Can you and Minho make it work, or will you get back with Han?

Spoiler: Happy ending, eventual poly minsung.

MDNI / smut

Chapter Summary: I don't want to spoil anything.

a/n: This was meant to be the final chapter, but I haven’t got around to adding everything to it. So I’m posting it as is. I hope you have enjoyed this series so far. I will be back with one final chapter after this.

Reblogs are super helpful, but I'd love for you to leave a comment if you enjoyed it. Should I write more Minsung?

Taglist: open.

A/n: this story may be familiar to some. It’s a rework of one of my older stories where I’ve now changed my fem lead to be reader.

“You’ve been avoiding me, and now I know why!” Han sneered. Anger burned in his eyes as he glared at Minho.

“I don’t know what you think you’re doing Minho. You string me along anyway, telling me it’s friendship. You say you don’t want me. But then I see the way you look at me. It’s not fair of you, but I can live with it.

But Y/n? She deserves better than what you’ve done to her? Fucking her and then giving her no explanation as to why you ended things like you did? Do you know what she thinks?” His voice was full of bitterness.

Minho finally met Han’s eyes.

“She thinks you hate her.”

“That’s not true.” Minho’s eyes were full of despair as he stared at the man in front of him.

“Then what is it?” Han growled, grabbing Minho by the collar and shoving him against wall of Minho’s office.

“It was inappropriate to date your ex. Han, it would’ve made things…strained… between you and me. I broke it off as soon as I found out. Besides, I thought that maybe you two would probably get back together.” Minho lowered his head feeling ashamed.

This was not how Minho wanted things to turn out. All he wanted was to protect the people he cared about, the people he’d fallen in love with. He thought distancing himself would be the right thing to do.

But Han had stormed into Minho’s office, and now Minho had to finally deal with the mess he’d caused.

Han was right. Minho had strung him along. He hadn’t meant to. He wasn’t supposed to fall in love with the messed up, broken boy that had come into his life.

Fuck, how he had to control his feelings when Han had shown his interest in him. But it would have been wrong to allow Han to get close to him like that. He was his mentor for fuck’s sake, it would have been taking advantage of him.

But he couldn’t not see him. Under the guise of wanting to be just Han’s friend, Minho could continue to selfishly be in Han’s world long after their program ended.

Oh how he would often wish that someone would come along that would catch his attention. That there’d be someone else out there for him.

And then he started is new job and met you. A welcome distraction. A new beginning. Minho was hopeful that you would be the person that he could have a future with. He could see it in his mind’s eye. He really could.

What were the chances that you were Han’s ex girlfriend?

And now you were gone too. He’d managed to fuck that up before it even properly began.

All he wanted to do was get over Han, and now he had to get over you both.

Han gripped Minho’s jaw, holding it so he couldn’t look away. “Y/n's an incredible woman. You two could have made each other happy. There was no reason you couldn’t have made it work, even if you knew she was my ex.” He whispered.

Minho stared into Han’s heartbroken eyes. “Hannie,”

Han released Minho, dropping his hands to his sides. Minho, without thinking reached up and cupped his cheek. “I broke it off with her… and I’ve been avoiding you because… fuck,” Minho looked up the ceiling and sighed, then returned his gaze to Han. “I’m fucking in love with you both.”

Han made to take a step back, but Minho held him in place, still cupping his cheek. His thumb traced over his trembling bottom lip, and then he leaned in connecting his lips with Han’s and taking him in a soft kiss.

He was sure Han would pull away and punch him in the face, but instead he started to kiss Minho back. He even slightly parted his lips allowing Minho to gently deepen the kiss.

This was wrong. Kissing Han was only going to complicate things further. But he couldn’t stop. He wanted to remember the feeling, the taste of his lips forever. Who knew if once this was over he would ever be able to be this close to him again?

-------------------------------

You entered the cozy restaurant and closed your umbrella, leaving it the bucket at the front door. You were grateful to be out of the rain. It was definitely not the kind of weather you wanted to be out and about in, but Han had said Mina wanted her to come to dinner with them, to say thank you for her support with their mom.

You followed the waiter as he ushered you through to a table in the back corner of the restaurant. You were nervous about seeing Han again. You hadn’t seen him since you slept together, although you had been texting. Things had seemed good between you in the written form, but you had no idea how you were going to feel face to face.

“Here you are.” The waiter said, gesturing to the table in the corner. You stopped dead in your tracks. Han was already seated, but next to him, backed turned to you, was not Mina at all. It was… you walked around the table to find…Minho.

You had so far successfully avoided him since returning to work. Actually, you only ever left your office to use the bathroom because quite frankly you didn’t want to see anyone who might have heard that audio of you having sex.

Your eyes widened at the situation before you. Han looked up at you hopefully, but all you could do was shake your head ready to walk straight out of there.

Minho was just as surprised at seeing you. He glanced at Han confused and then angrily up at you. He stood as if to leave too.

“Y/n, Minho… please…” Han stood up and gestured for both of you to sit.

Tears welled up in your eyes. Han had tricked you. Half of you wanted to run away, the other half wanted to hear him out. What was going on? Why did he ask you here? Why was Minho here?

You lowered yourself into the chair, and poured a glass of water from the jug on the table. Minho hesitated a moment longer before he also sat himself back down. An awkward tension filled the room as you waited for Han to speak.

“Look. I know I lied to you to get you to come here. I’m sorry.” He paused. “Actually, no I’m not sorry at all.” His voice turned assertive.

Both you and Minho sat in silence and waited for Han to continue.

“Minho,” Minho looked to Han confused. “Tell her why you broke it off. She deserves to know the truth.” He insisted.

Minho opened his mouth with a horrified look, “What? Hannie? I can’t.” he shook his head. You had never seen him look so…scared.

“Minho,” Your voice was soft and soothing, but inside you were scared too. What was he going to tell you? “Please…” you urged.

Minho paused for what felt like an eternity, then cleared his throat. “Y/n. When you and I met, I didn’t know you and Han were, used to be, together.” He started nervously. He looked between Han and you. “Then, when I found out, I thought it would be for the best if I kept my distance.”

You nodded solemnly.

Minho gulped. “But there’s more.” His eyes darted to Han and then to you.

“Go on.” Han encouraged him.

“I can’t.” Minho squeezed his eyes shut as though he was willing himself to disappear.

“Please, Minho. Please just tell me.” You whispered. You wanted to understand. You wanted closure.

“I had…have…feelings for Han.” He dropped his head as if waiting for you to explode in anger.

That was not what you expected to hear. “Hannie!” You turned your attention to your ex. Your mind was buzzing with a million thoughts. So many conflicting feelings raced through your body. On one hand you were heartbroken that Minho left you. You'd felt like you'd been kicked in the guts. But you wanted Han to be happy. Maybe Han and Minho could find a way to be together after all.

“So are you two…like….together now? Wait.” You paused as a revelation hit you. “Han? Did you bring me here to give you both some kind of blessing or something? Because, honestly, I’m fine. I really am. You two would look amazing together. It’s really… wonderful. It’s amazing.”

Your voice was becoming more forced and shrill the more you spoke. Your skin burned. Tears threatened to spill out of your eyes, and you felt like you were going to vomit. You were happy for them. You really were. But it hurt. It hurt to be a rebound. It hurt to be rejected.

You didn’t feel like you were in your body as you walked out of the restaurant. You didn’t pick up your umbrella, you didn’t care that the rain was pouring down outside. You didn’t get into your car. You just kept walking up the street. Your hair was drenched. Your makeup ran down your cheeks. Your barely heard the voices calling after you, getting closer.

“Y/n, please. Wait.” Minho stepped in front of you stopping you by grasping your wrists and pulling you under the awning of a Thai restaurant for shelter.

“You have my blessing, I told you!” You wailed, trying to free yourself from his grip.

“I hadn’t finished, y/n! Stop running away.” He growled gripping your wrists tighter, and you fell silent. His hair was sopping wet, droplets of water were running down his beautiful face.

“I can’t just be with Han when I’m fucking in love with you too.”

You stood frozen. He was in love with you? He was in love with Han? He was in love with both of you?

You shook your head. “So what are you saying? You want to date us both?” You said sarcastically.

“I hope that’s what he’s saying.” A voice behind you said. You turned to see Han, also soaking wet, and panting from running to catch up. He took both Minho’s and your hands in his. “Y/n,” Han started. “Maybe Minho can have us both?” He said hopefully and shrugged.

You turned back to Minho. Was that really an option? Could you and Han really both date him? Could it really work? How would it work? What would that mean for you and Han? Things were complicated. What if this fucked everything up even more?

“I slept with Han.” You blurted out. “After you started ignoring me.” You regretted saying it as soon as it left your lips. “I’m so sorry Han…. I shouldn’t have said that.” Your hand covered your mouth.

Minho pulled your hand away and his mouth was on yours. He kissed you like he never wanted to let you go. At first you wanted to push him away, tell him to fuck off. But then a burning heat coursed through your veins and you found yourself melting against him. You'd missed him more than you knew. You kissed him back, finding his tongue, communicating with him how much you needed him. You didn’t know what you were doing, or what was going to happen after this, but for now you held onto this moment for as long as you could.

He eventually peeled away only to take Han in an equally heated kiss. Han still had one hand holding yours, squeezing it as his other snaked around Minho’s waist. Minho held his face in his hands as their mouths explored each other. Their perfect lips connecting in the most beautiful, passionate way.

You thought sex with Minho was the most erotic thing you'd experienced, but that paled in comparison to watching the two men in front of you. It stirred something inside of you. Curiosity, yes. But there was something else. It was love? A love for both of them. You wanted them both too.

They eventually pulled themselves away from each other, and gazed into each other’s eyes.

“Han?” You whispered. He turned to face you. You took both his hands in yours. “If you’re not one hundred percent okay with this, I won’t do it. But if you are…” your concern turned into a smile and Han smiled too. It had been so long since he smiled like this, like in the photos hidden in your drawer. It was a smile you'd missed and it lit up your heart.

Then you did something you didn’t expect. You kissed him. Not a hungry, wild kiss. Just a small, careful, hopeful kiss.

“I’m one hundred percent okay with this.” He whispered.

Minho cleared his throat. “So, kittens, think maybe we should get out of the rain. Maybe go back to-

“Let’s go back to my house.” You offered. “I’ll make coffees, we can get some takeaway dinner, and maybe we can talk more about how we’re going to do this throuple thing, yeah?”

-------------------------

A/n: I will be back with a final smut scene but please be patient because I’m going through a writing lull.

@channieandhisgoonsquad @noellllslut @itsseohannbin @weareapackofstrays @xxkissesforchanniexx @starr-lvst @queen-in-the-shadows @bethanysnow @newhope8 @chuuchuu1224 @vanillacupcakefrosting @3rachasdomesticbanana @fun-fanfics @palindrome969 @wolfennracha @rhonnie23 @jisunglyricist @strayywayy @rixenluv @yaorzu-blog @drunkewok @igetcarriedawaywithyou @minh0scat @kiaralynn3838 @everythingboutkpop @sannieluvrr @jiminssluttyminx @lunearta

[atinydetective]

The real GOLDEN HOUR

Golden Hour, if you listen  to the entire album in one sitting you can’t quite understand the album’s key points.

Music video and also lyrics are so different from other Series.

Main reason here is that the lyrics and songs 

are written according to Diary.

Until the Golden Hour Series,Music videos usually have side stories other than DIARY parts that include other sides of concept and sometimes special items.

For example we see Yunho in the cromer in Halazia,

 but in Diaries there is no trace about the situation

 or mentioned information about the reason.

As you know ATEEZ returned home, World A with the full moon. 

After all we saw a shining red cube in the outro, there is neither a trace nor another video about this cube.

On the other side, in the diary of the album 

members have no dedicated mission or an enemy.

They figuratively fall into the void and with this feeling they slowly separate from the group. Meetings in the old factory gradually decrease to 2 times in a year.

After 3 years They completely stop having meetings.

While passing time Hongjoong’s memories about World Z 

and their adventure begins to fade. 

That is the point which will change his life, uploading those memories on a blog that will be published as a book in future.

 Actually a businessman helps Hongjoong to publish this book . 

We don't really know if Hongjoong knows this man's identity but it is Yeosang.

By passing time this book gets famous,and thanks to this fame Hongjoong’s lost family finds their son.

 I need to remind you that Hongjoong wanted to be a singer 

to become a World Star that can be seen everywhere. Because it would be the chance to be noticed by his family.

Now he is finally with his real family, they noticed him 

and accepted him. 

Their quiet family dinners; these all were his True wish, Golden Hour right?

In Hongjoong’s diary there is a point I sensed that is an key 

we need to focus on.

He defines World Z as the place where you forget memories about the world   as we become adults, 

like Neverland in Peter Pan. 

Seonghwa, even after going back to  home world, is stuck thinking about the dancing girl who is both leader of The Thunders and the one girl who gives him the braces says “Be Free.” Last time they saw each other she told him to “Save yourself first,” when he asked about her.

While  these words stuck in his mind,  one day he passed  firefighter exams by chance. In the present his chief mentioned a book to him which is actually Hongjoong’s book.

At that moment while reading diaries  I questioned myself, “Wait what, but how? In song we see them in World A, like İllusion and Wonderland we saw some fantastic figures, is this World A just a tough adult’s world right now? Nothing left?” Despite falling into this Adult World, Yunho’s part kinda blooms hope.

Because Yunho is in Egypt! At the end of a journey in which he could not stop singing, we see him singing in a group of people. 

Yunho thinks that in some way if he can enter pyramids he can find an artifact like cromer which will open gates to other Worlds.

Do you think Egypt Mythology part will end here, ofc no!  Forsooth ATEEZ have a thin connection that can be seen if you look closer. But if we add the Golden HOUR album and check what do have with Bird’s eye view you can see that dots are coming together.

Beginning of the Treasure Series, We see them in Morocco for both Pirate King’s and Treasure’s music video shoots. You can essentially see Orion Constaletion’s symbol on both the Rock on Long Journey trailer and Treasure also on Hongjoong’s earring. If you think they could not spray on a rock it must be coincident,I need  to remind you that they sprayed skull painting in a skate boarding area which was actually a spoiler for 2 years later.

If we go back to Orion, above all they build the Pyramids according to this constellation. Moreover Orion Nebula is purple. Like Purple star ATEEZ had been searching for in This Series all along.

Hongjoong mentions in ATEEZ Record that they used feathers to show powerful ATEEZ, in nowadays language Black Fedora’s in Say My Name. When They wear Fur coats…

Further in this album they have been talking about a heart which gets colder but if someone pulls their heart there is no doubt it will eat it.

I don't know if you know it but in Egypt Mythology in Maat’s judgement if someone's heart is heavier than the “Feather” of Maat, their heart is destined to be eaten by AMMİT because they will reach the afterlife.

And Today Yunho was wearing a feather necklace for the show.

I will be waiting for more spoilers from Yunho cause he was the one who told us the fur coats have meaning in Say My name shoots.

If you are about to be judged you have to pass the Nile River- Milky Way while sailing. The Milky Way transfers as “Minki Way” in the ATEEZ universe. In my Mingi Theory I did mention that he specifically chose this name for his program. In Illusion he has a rap about stucking between death and life. “Living and death repeating” and you know how they escape from the end with Crescent..

Crescent, Moon, Goddess of Moon İsis who restored Osiris with this key. Yes we also saw this before. If you check this Empty Box performance, you can see this symbol on Yeosang’s earring.

And last but not least, the poster they shared has a pharaoh relief motif there. When they shared this poster most people said that it’s a ship but if you use negative colors you can see it.

Probably that's all I can add here for now. Let's head back to Diary.

—

Not to mention Yunho also adds that after coming back from a world where they were heroes, they felt that their dream’s importance and effect faded. The box fulfilled with their dream is now empty in their own world. 

San concludes that dreams do not always become true with a man's help. 

Mingi becomes a model that can easily pay for his grandma’s hospital bills.There was a time on the other side of the river where we ran recklessly towards our  dreams with passion and ambition, and when everything was okay. But the point he “stands” is where results and performance must be good rather than passion and ambition. Was that really what he wished for?

I can see the connection, Wooyoung becomes a flight attendant. While he makes the announcements why sings and dances. That is his stage and it is enough for him, he  is happy with it. And on an ordinary day he makes the same performance but in this plane he meets Yunho and Mingi after a long time.

On the other side Jongho who actually writes songs for the group when they come together uploads the songs online. And one day a company wants to hire him as a songwriter.

One member from the group he writes songs for wants to quit from the group and it reminds him how he stopped Mingi when he wanted to quit making music like this boy. This is the breaking point for Jongho to call members to meet again. Yes, diaries end like this.

Also there is no outro.Because the moment Jongho calls members Hongjoong stops writing Diaries. These diaries were all along the time the book we saw in Diary Film and the book little girl reads.

To be a little assertive I don't think there will be more diaries.

Surprisingly songs are in order on this album. Just versed.

So let me explain songs:

Two songs have the same vibe, Shaboom and Siren are about  adrenaline they felt before back to home, in World Z. In Shaboom’s lyrics, they are talking about a pretty lady. “COME İN, PRETTY LADY.” I believe that’s about Thunder’s leader, the dancing girl. So They are trying to get us used to a girl.

Also in Shaboom’s lyrics they mention,신토불이, which is a concept in Buddhism.

身is body and 土is earth so they can not be separated. So we can claim that they are actually connected to somewhere. So they need to back their own world; they can not be in World Z forever.

In Empty Box as I said before their dreams are fading after facing the reality of this Adult World. Roles are changed between Worlds.

You can see the meaning of the song Work by the name. Just like its name it’s the time when Ateez leave their happiness and dreams and become an adult who works and gets paid.  Like Mingi said in his diary, he can make his grandma’s bills.But the point they stand is about to change in the bridge part of the song. “You can’t find me where I stand.” 

Like it asks in Golden Hour, “Could these be the real golden hours of our lives?” Ateez’s answer is a big no. 

You can hear the radio  sound right? When Black Fedora’s enter this dimension World A, both it spreads a radio sound and breaks gravity.  Thus it’s  a sign that Yunho did find an artifact like cromer.

Maybe it is the red cube we saw at the end of the Will album’s outro. It explains why we saw switch separation on rail.

It’s actually a hidden detail, that members who will create alternative universes are always shown with a wind instrument. And we have Jongho in this mv who calls all members to meet again. Which causes the separation on the rails.

So what is ATEEZ’s destination, where does the rudder take us? To be honest, it’s a bit like that.

Then let me explain WHY DID SEONGHWA COME OUT OFF THE EGG?

First of all in the teaser they released about MİTO’s birth, we saw that this space rabbit came out of the golden egg. In Crazy Form promotions they were running after this rabbit. And during this era they showed us how Seonghwa is a rabbit in Wanteez.

So what is the conclusion?

Mito is the rabbit on the moon, it symbolizes rebirth.  I said it was all egypt mythology for this video but if you remember Isis’s key also has power to restore rebirth people.

That being so they add this sequence to show Seonghwa rebirth with this egg as DDeongbyeoli. The one Aniteez member represents Seonghwa. I don't think Ddeongbyeoli and Mito are the same. In my sense Mito is much like a character who breaks the 4th wall.

If you go check Aniteez’s introducing video, while sailing in space with fun they teleported an ocean? They pass a portal in this video. Video Venture the Unknown has the same vibe as Illusion at the beginning but it switches to Wave and then Arriba.

Another song has Spanish words in it. Why do they use this many Spanish words in songs or even a comeback concept? Let me explain.

First if I try to recall my memories about the past, first we have. Wave music video which they shoot in Spain,  Illusion Columbus lyrics, Del Mundo fan meeting in the same era. Then in Fever Serie, we have Thanxx which as well was shot in Spain and has Gracias' word in it.

In the World Series we have Arriba all about Spanish culture. It also has a rebellion name like we have Red Sun in this album. While I was looking at KQ entertainment's Youtube page I also saw our Xikers also have a song named Red Sun,but I don't intend for their universe.

I think these Spanish waves have more power and impact on ATEEZ’s universe more and more.

Maybe the reason why they make us remember the Illusion with Aniteez is because when they were in Illusion their destination was the Utopia. But you know that they go back to Strictland with Wonderland, Door of Truth. Like Columbus they explored the wrong place. Columbus was after India but ended up with America. In this case India is Utopia here. And Columbus had been calling India as the New World. You see the connection right?

Moreover Yunho in English diary talks about finding different worlds but in original language it is “different dimensions”. 

So we can see them in Space or maybe just in the ocean like Aniteez. Or maybe they can have a single like Halazia which they fill the gap between Answer and Guerrilla. Maybe in this new beginning we can see an organization like E.S.C they have been using as the main director of Pirates in many shows. 

[6okuto]

..can we have leander nsfw headcanons? just imagine him like praising you n shi it gets me all hot and bothered 😭

LEANDER NSFT HCS

minors + ageless blogs dni. thank u. | sub/bottom gn!reader. anything otherwise (post's second half) is noted :-)

hello. i'm back. goes dom to sub leander bc i think u wanted more dom.... I get it. i mean i know he’s got Major sub vibes but i make everyone a switch for max happiness.

voice hc where it's smooth but a little raspy if he's speaking quietly like when he's whispering in your ear btw

likes praising you, especially if he knows you enjoy it. he tries out different pet names and notes which ones get the biggest reaction. he casually uses them to surprise you, but i can also see him straight up asking. like, leander hovering above you, one arm by your head as the other trails down your side and he whispers different ones into your ear

"do you like baby? or angel? yeah? what about sweetheart?" etc etc

when you’re on top and leander tells you to only put in the tip, hands resting on your thighs and hooded eyes watching you expectantly. he praises you when you do what you ask. “that’s it, just like that,” he says breathily. you whine his name back, but he just teases you, “mhm, doing so well for me.”

he waits for you to plead to take all of him before he pulls you lower himself. he gives you a few seconds to recover (really he just wanted to hear your moans properly) before bucking his hips up and finally moving

leander makes sure you don’t hide your face and tells you to watch him while he lowers himself between your legs. he keeps eye contact while he languidly licks you, and teases you for how wet you are. will moan not just because you taste good but because he knows you can feel it. he murmurs about how good you taste, how good you’re being for him, before continuing

him using his teeth to take off his gloves.... man. he makes a point to do it again, making sure you’re watching his fingers as they travel from your jaw down to your chest, hips, waistband, between your legs. he presses his hand against you through the fabric and smiles when you try to grind against his hand for some kind of friction.

if he notices you trying to stifle your moans with your hand he pulls it above your head and interlocks fingers. you know how rowdy everyone gets downstairs, why don’t you let yourself be a little louder?

leander thrusting into you as you lie on your back, and sweat rolling down his temple while his hair falls in front of his face. him moving in closer when you push his hair back for him, suddenly hitting a little deeper because he loved the added intimacy

the both of you being so needy, you're already undressing each other as you make your way to your room. if allowed, leander Will just push you up against the wall while making out with you.

^ fucks you against the wall . if you want to be picked up he Will pick you up, no questions asked. he'll try a lot of positions in a lot of places to be honest

seriously Loves To Talk. loves when you talk too

leander telling you to touch yourself while he watches (and strokes his own cock). him giving you a toy and telling you to pretend it's his cock, even though you both know it could never compare :(

he encourages you, as if it was him fucking you, “wanna cum? you wanna cum on my cock? cum for me."

leander making you tell him what you want. he’ll sit there in between your legs and let his fingers tap against your hips, and he won’t move until you say something. To be fair, if you’re not used to it, he’ll prompt you by giving you things to repeat back to him. “where do you want me to touch you?” “do you want me inside of you? tell me.”

leander being possessive while he's fucking you, not slowing down while he asks, "you're mine, right? only mine."

him saying he's the only one who can fuck you, the only one who knows how to fuck you

ohhh but soft sex with leander…him embracing you, as close as possible… him talking about how much he loves you and how stunning you are… his lips against your jaw and planting kisses every so often before saying you feel so good, no one’s ever made him feel as good as you do. his thrusts are slow but deep, and you can feel him smiling when you moan his name

cumming inside you. on you. in your mouth. anything is going to make him so so happy, he can’t pick when you look the best to him

dom!reader | telling Him what to do. obedient, patient leander sitting and waiting for your every demand. (or him being Such a brat just to see what kinds of punishments you have in store)

dom!reader | having his hands tied behind his back while he goes down on you and all he wants to do is touch you. but even without his hands, leander knows you and your body and is always eager to please, especially when you use your free hand to pull his hair and push him even further.

dom!reader | not afraid to beg you for things. he groans when you tease him by only licking the tip. you ask him what he wants and he starts whimpering, "please, please, fuck—” and he has to stop from bucking into your mouth

dom!reader | devolves into a whimpering mess if you tease him for too long or overstimulate him, yet can’t stop himself from begging for more and promising he can take it. he’s arching his back when you ask if you should stop, and he shakes his head before groaning and biting his lip.

leander telling you to use him . gets off to the fact that he’s the reason you feel so good

^ same reasoning behind him loving when you leave scratch marks on his back, or hickies across his chest. (he also likes it when you put your fingers in his mouth or spit in it)

dom!reader | You being possessive over Him. you ask if you're the only one he'll be bringing to this room from now on and he nods, eyes a little glazed over, breath shaky when he responds with "yes, yes, yes—"

top!reader | leander getting you to lie down so he can slowly sit on top of you… he loves watching your face as he finally reaches the base and clenches around you

dom top!reader | fucking leander in front of a mirror and making him stare at and degrade himself. sorry. he likes it when you grip his face and whisper in his ear and tell him to watch as you fuck him. if you start to touch his cock he moans so obscenely loud

dom top!reader | ...fan of doggy style? you pushing him further into the mattress, forcing him to muffle his moans in the pillow. leander trying helplessly to fuck back against you

top!reader | leander stopping you when you try to pull out because he doesn't want to lose the sensation of you inside him yet ;(

magic w receiving leander... like if there is/was a way for you to touch him without touching him,, he'd be into it, y’know what i mean? like him sitting on the other side of the room and having to keep it together because Somehow your hand is reaching to play with his cock or ass and he can barely process what the people at the bar are saying to him

up to try anything once if you bring it up btw. he hopes you aren't embarrassed about asking and always takes you seriously

Something about strip teases or just,, undressing. especially if you’re undressing each other… the anticipation that builds in his chest when you slowly take off his clothes, and he knows what’s coming next

[dittobooty]

Thinking a lot about how in One Piece there's a continuing theme of self sacrifice that often doesn't meet its end (I won't say always because there are some characters who have eaten shit for a cause). But I just think about how easy it would be to just accept their sacrifice but the narrative won't allow that. Robin, Zoro, Sanji, Jinbe, they've all tried to give their life for the sake of others but they can't because they really don't have to. I think about Robin's "I want to live" regularly. It's so easy to die for someone but it's so much harder to live for them. And living for them gives back so much more than dying for them does. Dying is just a moment but living lets you have more moments and more time to show how much you care and lets you do so much for others. I feel like a lot of other shonen show dying as one of the bravest things you can do but One Piece is so different because it shows you that living is actually the bravest thing.

[ruporas]

bound to want (part two) /// part one rest of pages under READ MORE after ID

[ID: 23 page digital comic of Vashwood from Trigun Maximum. The comic is in a limited palette of a dark blue, light pink, white, black, and a light beige color for Vash's skin and a mid-brown color for Wolfwood's. This comic is the second part to "Bound to Want" and is spoiler-free. The first part is linked here.

It begins with a panel close up of Vash's expressions. The sky colored in dark blue can be seen behind him. He has a neutral expression, but he holds a slight frown and the reflection of his glasses covers one side of his eyes. Wolfwood says, "Hey. What's with the distance?" In the second panel, the shot widens to show both of them, a clear physical distance separating them with Wolfwood walking ahead and Vash trailing a little behind. Vash responds, "What? I'm just walking a bit slower today..." Wolfwood looks at him with a an irritated expression, clicking his tongue. Wolfwood says, "I was going to wait for you to start... But yer just running away away."

Vash is seen looking away, unable to hold eye contact with Wolfwood as he continues, "You've been avoiding me since that night. Did ya think I wouldn't notice? It's about that dream, right? Tell me about it already if you're going to be moping like this." Vash looks slightly downwards, his brows furrowing and he starts to walk ahead of Wolfwood without looking at him and responds stiffly, "I really don't want to talk about it..." Wolfwood looks at him with a surprised expression, but doesn't probe.

A panel close up to Wolfwood's eyes as he watches Vash go on ahead before he follows suite with an irritated sigh. The panels are overlapped by Wolfwood's hand holding the bottle of the Bride with motion lines, indicating a transition in time.

A wide shot of Vash and Wolfwood in a room now. Vash is seated, his back turned away from the viewer, while Wolfwood's body faces the viewer with his eyes looking towards Vash. He rests the bottle of the Bride on the table with a "clack" and his other hand holds two shotglasses. The background is coated in a light pink.

A panel shows a close up of Wolfwood's face, his eyes looking downwards to Vash as he says, "Let's drink." Next to this panel is Vash looking up at Wolfwood, his brows furrowed and a slight frown. The bottom half of the page is a wider shot with Vash's body turned away from the viewer as he says, "I'm not going to talk about it." Wolfwood responds, "You don't have to." as he sits down.

A wide panel of Wolfwood holding the shotglass, pouring in the drink as he continues, "I'll talk." The next panel is a profile view of Wolfwood, his eyes looking down at the now filled shotglass as he continues to say, "You're..."

"... upset with me." Vash can be seen next to this speech bubble with narrowed eyes, looking towards Wolfwood. The panels are all coated in with a dark blue background. Wolfwood continues, "I can't be certain why since yer not telling me a thing -- but it's probably... my bad." The panels show Wolfwood about to bring the shotglass to his mouth but he turns way as he continued to speak, his eyes not on Vash. The bottom page shows him looking away completely with a guilty expression as he says, "I'm sorry.

If you can ever tell me why, I can try and adjust to make it more bearable. But if you're just trying to get rid of me--" The panels follow Wolfwood's certain expression as he says this, "I don't intend to leave you. I can't... and I won't." A panel shows Vash's wide-eyed expression, surprised upon hearing this, and then his eyes soften as Wolfwood again concludes with, "I'm sorry."

Vash's inner thoughts begins, a boxed speech at the center of the page and panels of his eyes, his brows furrowing again and a resigned, but frustrated expression. His thoughts starts, "Stop. I shouldn't be happy hearing that. And why are you apologizing? I should be the one to..! I can't let anything like that happen to you. You deserve to live a long steady and peaceful life. I want to be optimistic. I want to protect you, but I might end up doing the opposite." The text surrounds Wolfwood from Vash's perspective, the other man drinking out of his shotglass, his eyes downcasted.

"I shouldn't have you. And you won't leave." Behind these text is a panel of Wolfwood's eyes finally looking over to Vash. Vash's thoughts continues,  "It's so unfair." When Wolfwood sees Vash, his eyes soften and he frowns. The last panel shows the lower half of Vash's face, but tears begins to flow down his cheek. Wolfwood's hand is already reaching to wipe at them as he starts to say, "You know..."

A wider shot of Vash and Wolfwood, Vash slightly leaning forward with his mouth tightly shut, and tears steadily continuing to flow out of his closed eyes. Wolfwood continues to wipe at them with his hand as he continues, "This isn't a dream anymore. I don't know what you saw for you to be this shaken up, but whatever happened, you'll overcome it, right? If not you, I'm here too. You'll be okay, Spikey. So..." Wolfwood's expression grows more tender, "Have a little faith in me... and come back already." The dark blue starts to fade.

The wide panel has the dark blue background faded and replaced is the light pink. It shows Vash in full up to his shoulders, his eyes are still tears littered, but there's light in them as he says, "Wolfwood..." making eye contact with the other. The next panel shows Wolfwood's tender expression, his eyes and brows fully soften and he has a small smile on his lips, finally seeing the other return a level of sincerity with him.

The next panel shows the bottom half of Wolfwood's face and his hand is offered towards Vash for a dance as he says, "C'mon. We don't have to talk, but this is okay, right?" The background is now white and a ribbon flowing across the page separates this panel from the next sequence. Vash's inner thoughts continus, "I've spent too long avoiding this. It's scary to want after I've taken so much from others." A sequence close up of their hands is shown, with Wolfwood's outstretched hand on the right and Vash's reaching hand on the left. Vash gently places his hand in Wolfwood and at the bottom, Wolfwood wraps his fingers across Vash's.

Throughout the page, a dark blue ribbon starts to flow around the both of them with confetti raining alongside the effect. Vash and Wolfwood are hand and hand, dancing together with Wolfwood as the lead. The viewer can see a peak of Vash's expression, full of fondness but also a hint of sorrow as he looks down at Wolfwood. His inner thoughts continue, "I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you. But why is that even though I have these burdens, I still want to love you. I still want you to be by my side."

With a close up of their mouths, Vash's thoughts continue, the text covering his mouth, "Wolfwood, I--" Wolfwood's speech bubble covers Vash's text as he completes his sentence, "want you." Vash's eyes widen for one panel and in the next, his eyes spark, a blush appearing on his cheek and the confetti flows and spark. Tears ease up on his eyes again.

"Want me too already, Spikey." Wolfwood has leaned in enough to rest his head against Vash, a hand of his on Vash's neck, holding his nape and another hand pressed gently against his back. A ribbon separates this panel from the next, a mix of confetti flows across the page, as Vash envelopes Wolfwood in a hug too, holding him and his hand gripping tightly onto his back.

This page is just the ribbon flowly throughout the page on the white background, one white ribbon and the other a dark blue. Near the bottom, the ribbon envelopes each other in a loop. A conversation of Vash and Wolfwood is held over these ribbons, Vash starting to say, "What if I hurt you? What if you..?" Wolfwood responds, "You? How could you hurt me?" Vash, "You know what I mean... You see it everyday..." Wolfwood responds, "If you think I'm going to kick the bucket so easily, I suggest you look at me more closely from now on, idiot. I'm not that easy to get rid of."

The next page has the ribbon criss cross over the top of the page. Vash and Wolfwood can be seen in their dancing position again, Wolfwood now resting a hand on Vash's shoulder, as Vash takes the lead. Vash continues, "Well, I know that... I tried." Wolfwood responds, "But you won't anymore... since you want me... around, yeah?" Wolfwood's head cocks to the side, smiling with assurance, cheeks flushed. Vash looks at him with a wide smile and fond, loving eyes. The confetti flows across the bottom of this page and as it eases into the next page, it starts to disappear.

Vash responds, ".. Yeah... I do..." as he pulls Wolfwood into a hug again. Wolfwood says, "Not going to run away anymore, are you?" Vash says, "No... I trust you." A panel shows Wolfwood's turning away slightly with a shy expression, muttering "Geez..."

In a more simplified style, Wolfwood is seen gripping Vash's cheeks now with his hand, "Though... You do remember you avoided me for two weeks straight, right? How are you going to make that up to me?" Wolfwood asks. Vash responds with eyes closed and a pucker of his lips. A vein of irritation appears on Wolfwood's face. Wolfwood starts to squeeze at Vash's cheek with both hands, shouting, "Now that you've recovered, you're trying to be funny, huh?!" Vash says through the squished cheeks, "I'm just happy..."

The next page opens with a closed up panel of Vash's widen eye as Wolfwood's hand moves from squishing his cheeks to gently holding them and Wolfwood leans in. The inner thoughts starts again, "There's a chance I'm not making the right choice... My dreams, my fears of losing you, it will never go away. But you said you won't let it happen... And I want to hang onto your words closely this time. After all, if it's anyone who can make me believe, it's you."  The white ribbon from previous pages flows across the page and it visibly ends at the bottom of the page, enclosing the two of them as they share a gentle kiss with Vash holding Wolfwood's face, a tear in his eye.

The next pages starts with Wolfwood saying, "You cryin' again?" Vash responds, "I'm just grateful..." Wolfwood responds, "But you've always had me." Vash responds, "Being like this is different from staring at you from behind all the time though..." The two can be seen together again, Wolfwood pressing his elbows against the table with Vash leaning over him. Wolfwood is easing the tears out of Vash's eye again, just like earlier. A close panel of Vash's fond expression is seen as he says, "Thank you, Wolfwood." Wolfwood looks up at him with a small smile, gentle eyes. Confetti starts to flow lightly across the page as text starts to appear against the white background, "I'm the one who's grateful...

That you'd embrace someone like me, when I'm not fit to hold you in the first place... But I know better than to hesitate. The moment I acknowledged it, I knew I'd spend the rest of my life loving you. So, have as much of me as you want, Vash."

The final page shows the confetti gently falling down the page and at the bottom shows Vash and Wolfwood pressing their foreheads together, Wolfwood's hands cupping the side of Vash's face gently, and both of them smiling brightly with each other. ID END]

[goldentigerfestival]

Part 4 of the Vesperia differences between JP and the dub!

Part 1.

Part 2.

Part 3.

(Other) GTF Favorites.

As a heads up, I had to piece several images here as "one" image to circumvent the image limit because I was not about to make a part five by the time I got toward the end LOL.

For some reason the dub completely removed Alexei jokingly/sarcastically saying it makes his heart hurt (brings him down in this tl) how Estelle will come to her senses and see what she's done to her friends. As usual, the dub has a very weird habit of adding sentences where they never existed and completely removing sentences for no literally no reason.

I feel that "set you free" can also have the implication of saving her alive (which the dub heavily seems to lean toward versus wording that really shows Yuri's resolve here, the latter of which fits right in with Flynn and Ioder's acceptance that he may have to kill her), so I included this one to go with the previous case of Flynn mentioning that Yuri's group was going to "save" Estelle. The original is more ambiguous about her possible survival, but the dub leans more into being ambiguous in a way that doesn't lean toward her dying.

The dub changed this to nothing but literally "aye" so... do with that what you will.

Another case of them randomly wiping out an entire sentence (the last one).

As with other cases, there are some slight changes I don't feel are worth mentioning and often tend to be just slight changes in word choice that ultimately mean close to the same thing. This is generally the case for most of the spirit gathering arc. The overall tl of this arc is pretty much accurate, just with some odd cases like the above.

I really don't wanna say like, it's because Flynn's not around for a chunk of the plot in arc 3, but uh... let's be honest, it's once again as soon as Flynn gets back into the picture that the tl starts to go haywire again - especially where Yuri is concerned. Like. Literally. As usual.

In the dub, this was "but Duke isn't". Just putting this one here because I feel like this gives more of a sense how the characters are feeling about it, more than just him not working out in their favor.

This one was calling Ba'ul "weak" in the dub, but here Yuri is just asking if he's that stubborn about changing his form to a spirit. Putting this here because I feel using "weak" is a lot more harsh and has negative connotations on it compared to a more ignorant "stubborn" before Yuri understands.

Yuri mentions here that Duke seems to have thought a lot about what he's doing. In the dub, this was "he seems totally obsessed". Not sure what the reason for that change was.

Raven makes this more of a question in the dub, but here is more of him realizing it and putting the pieces together, so I figured I'd include this one since it's a slight change in a character's perception of something.

The first line was changed to "could you be any more worthless" (I guess because they thought the "boring" line was weird? idk lol). The second and third line got swapped for some reason, even though it does kind of change the general meaning behind what's being said.

Yuri says first that Sodia gave up, only to tell her she has no right to say it was all for Flynn (thus saying it's because of giving up). At least imo, in the dub it comes across as "you say it's for him but you gave up thus it's an excuse", versus "you have no right to say it's for him".

I'm trying not to say it again, y'all.

Karol says that Yuri going off alone is a bad habit. The dub changed this to "you keep forgetting us", which I'm kind of confused by because he's not forgetting them and literally told them to get ready to go to Tarqaron. Not really sure why they'd change this line since like yeah, it is a bad habit of his lol.

Another translation error in the dub, so this one's here for clarification. The dub says Astal "lost control", but Astal by this point is dead (and he never "lost control"). Judith also says in the dub that it made all the monsters gather here, rather than saying they've gone savage. It seems like they misunderstood something thinking Astal losing control brought all the monsters here, but obviously we know that can't be the case because Astal is dead.

This was changed in the dub to "it's our turn to do Yuri a favor", when he's actually supposed to be teasing him, which Yuri directly replies to.

Still trying not to say it.

Dub Karol sounds more like he's prepared to go in, but in the original audio, Karol sounds nervous about the hoard they're about to have to get involved with. Raven's line was changed to Flynn looking like he needs help and not that so much that he's cornered, and the original audio has him sounding more urgent about it. Minor changes here, but tonally I think they impact the scene differently (and definitely give more of a "this is really fuckin' dangerous" vibe in the original audio).

Another slight change and not an important one, but figured I'd include this since it has a slightly different meaning/vibe to it.

Including this just for Yuri's little laugh when he shows up (I love him! A Yuri Lowell!) and Flynn's shocked response. More tonal in change, but definitely worth a listen and will be linked below with Flynn's laugh!

This can also be translated as "it's simple/it will be simple", because it's "me and you" doing it. Imo this makes it more clear he's referring to just them (i.e. the upcoming fight) and not the entire group, but Yuri also specifically specifies "you and me", so it's much more clear that he's referring only to them (which I think, also given Yuri's levity in this situation despite the danger, shows how much they've completely come back from and recovered from the Nordopolica/Alexei stuff). Shoutout to Yuri deciding this on the spot and totally not even planning it though.

Again, there are some wording choice changes littered around, but nothing really significant (when I say small things, I mean things like Rita saying it's reckless for just the two of them to deal with this, versus the dub using "are you stupid?!". It basically changes nothing even if it is technically a difference, but I usually skip things like that because these posts would be even longer for changes that don't have a large impact).

As for the Yuri-Flynn-Repede battle, there were some... choice dialogue changes here.

Firstly, Yuri actually tells Flynn to be careful (rare carefulness from him, especially in regard to someone he knows can handle fighting).

Second, Flynn telling him not to worry was removed entirely.

Third, (this one is more difficult for me to completely discern because of the lack of text) Flynn mentions (you too, i.e. you be careful too) if Yuri keeps looking over (at him), that he won't be able to run to save Yuri fast enough (i.e. he'll get into trouble if he keeps staring at him).

Fourth, the dub changed Yuri saying he's just captivated by how handsome/good looking Flynn is (and I shit you not if Judith said that to Yuri people would call it flirting so yes, I am going to tell you that the dub censored men flirting here). The original wording used is "ii otoko", i.e. good/nice looking man, which in translation could come across a bit awkwardly and would be more likely to officially be translated to "handsome"... if they weren't so spooked at the idea of it and had to wipe it for "the great Flynn Scifo" which is not actually what was said. Personally I'd say "nice looking man" has a very specific ring to it versus handsome, but again, obviously that might sound a bit odd in translation without really specific wording (as in, it's possible to be used in a way that doesn't sound awkward but the wording leading up to it would probably have to be changed a little, or some words simply added in to make it flow more native-sounding).

Fifth, Flynn said it's not the time to be making jokes (the dub changed this to just "sh-shut up!").

Sixth, the goofy, playful tone Yuri carries when he says "I am being serious" was changed (very typical of the dub at this point though to remove his playfulness and I'm literally saying that objectively). Similarly, his following line's tone was also changed.

Seventh, "so we're kind of stuck". Yuri says he can't concentrate without talking, then ends (the battle conversation) with a following sentence of "it can't be helped!".

This could be translated in a few ways just to make it more clear what he's referring to (because a plain ol' "it can't be helped" is a bit too vague here), but you could translate that to something like "guess we can't help it", yadda yadda. My guess is that's where "we're kind of stuck" came from, but given the blatant trajectory change of the entire conversation, I'm not surprised I'm left feeling like the meaning of that line is just weird (primarily because he says that and the conversation abruptly ends, so they're not very stuck if Flynn won that one!) Something like "guess we can't help it/that's just how we are" etc imo would have done the job for translating that.

Flynn just sounds so, so happy and soft and my heart is full. Same dialogue in the dub, but the original audio was (imo much?) more lighthearted and so sweet and soft.

Made a clip of both their laughs because they're adorable and I love them.

No idea why the dub actually dropped her giving Yuri a whole ass honorific. Yeah, you can't always use JP suffixes in a dubbed game, but you can translate some of them to the closest thing they mean. Sodia here calls him "Yuri-...dono...", so rather than just dropping his last name in her accusatory tone, she calls him by only his first name and attaches a respectful term to his name.

Technically "dono" would mean "lord" or "master" in a non nobility manner, and is more of a formality than if she were to use, say, -san, which would have her referring to him as more of a regular/casual equal (-san is a suffix that often gets lost in translation, whereas dono can actually be roughly translated like it is here from this translator. Someone of her rank would still refer to others even equal to her rank as "sir" in translation, while people who use "dono" may also still use that term for people of their rank. Remember, at this point she's the second in command to the Commandant himself, so that's an awfully high bar for Yuri to have jumped in her eyes). Sodia has realized his actions have been just and honest and that she was very wrong about him, so as an indicator that she's changing her stance on him, she refers to him this way instead.

Basically, coming from someone of her rank, it's a very respectful term and is not used casually/in a casual relationship, much less to someone one dislikes or even hates (which she previously did, so this by itself is a massive step up in her view of him just from her suffix usage alone).

Honestly a huge shame that they didn't even translate this to "sir" in the dub when there was no reason not to. Just using that alone would have indicated a much higher level of respect from her toward him, and unfortunately that open respect is completely lost to dub only players (she only expresses her guilt, whereas in the original, just by using "dono" alone, she's indicated respect and not just guilt. In a way you could even argue that she's approaching him, someone she gives her respect to now, for advice and not just out of guilt alone).

In the dub this is only "it would have been easier if you'd blame me for this..." Here she's admitting she wants some form of punishment by way of saying she didn't receive it (which she could have from Yuri himself if he told Flynn what she did), but if she can't even have that, she at least would rather be hated. Basically, she's saying she wants to be hated if she can't at least be punished for her crime (and I believe you could also translate this to wishing she could be hated if she wasn't blamed for it, so basically they removed half the statement).

Also, in general, Sodia sounds very distraught.

Here Yuri admits he does have a grudge against her (you could translate this to something like "it's not like I don't hold a grudge against you"). The dub changed this to "don't think I'm doing this for your own good". Basically the dub is having him say he's making her live with her regret without mentioning that yes, he does in fact have a grudge against her for what she did.

The translation here is essentially the same (think about it for yourself. The dub just uses "go figure it out yourself").

The important part here comes in the form of how he refers to her. This is something he's done since he survived her stabbing him - not using a neutral form of "you" but instead openly using a rude form (in JP there are several ways of referring to oneself and others, similar to how Flynn alternates between boku and watashi when referring to himself).

In other words, Yuri is openly expressing disdain for her by using "teme". At this point he's been using it for a little while now (he also talks to her this way back in Nor at the inn as well), but since here it's with very other little dialogue and also because she just recently referred to him as "Yuri-dono", I think it's a perfect time to point it out, as they've openly, verbally switched how they treat each other.

Sodia, wracked with guilt and left unresolved, has a newfound respect for Yuri after their interaction at Nor (and presumably everything he's done for Flynn). Yuri, still angry at her for what she did and holding a grudge (a fact lost in the dub that he mentions in this scene as mentioned above, adding to this role reversal), now openly chastises her and expresses his contempt by changing how he refers to her.

NEXT!

Not gonna put a picture here for it, but when Rita asks Witcher where his notes are, she gets super excited and it's just cute and funny.

Also not putting a picture here for this one, but Flynn sounds extremely relaxed/calm/casual in JP when he asks if Yuri is all set/ready to talk. Something worth noting is that even at this point, the dub keeps Flynn sounding very uptight and serious where he otherwise is relaxed, calm or even emotional. I get the feeling the dub kind of missed the mark with Flynn's soft gentle side. I don't know how or why, but it's more absent in the dub where he's otherwise much more soft.

Similarly, not pictured because this isn't about the translation, Flynn trying to convince Yuri to tell everyone what he's done is given in a more angry-upset tone, versus the original's (super!) soft and sad tone. Again, I think they had a different perception of Flynn in mind when it comes to audio (particularly in arc 3 here because the other arcs are... again, their own whole can of worms), because here he's speaking sadly that Yuri won't take credit, whereas in the dub it's more energy-fueled and comes off much harsher. I have a video clip of that scene here. I felt like mentioning it here because overall Flynn can be extremely soft and gentle in tone and it got lost in the dub for whatever the reason was.

Still on that train of thought, while the translation itself is still pretty accurate, Flynn says "I'll just yell at you again" but in JP says that he'll just say unnecessary words. Earlier, in the dub Yuri asks why he's so serious when he doesn't actually mention that he's being serious in the original (because honestly, he wasn't. He was very calm when they set out). In this case it's not really negative (the way Yuri yelling at people in the dub is portrayed negatively on their end), it's just... a change that I can only guess they had the wrong idea about with him? Previously the changes with Flynn were treating him negatively, but here it's more just... a notable but narratively generally neutral tone difference.

Not making a clip just for this unless it's requested, but when Yuri wins the solo fight against Flynn, in the original, Yuri says it with actual shock but awareness/clarity that it actually happened (with a sort of underlying excited vibe to it). In the dub Yuri says it with more of a laugh and disbelief.

As for this point onward, since the subbed playthrough ended before this point, I'll be using another playthrough for images, though I'll be translating them here instead since they won't be pre-translated.

Sliiightly different vibe here so I figured I'd include it (doesn't really change anything): Here Flynn says "Even with a sword... I lost." The reason I'm including it is because "I can't even win with a sword anymore" makes it sound like Flynn has been losing again and again to Yuri in various ways when it's always been the opposite. Using a sword has always been one of his highest selling points, so to lose in that area comes across more as, even with my best asset I still lost to you.

Yuri's line is more like, "(laughs) Take a good look."

Running out of images I can use for this post here but I really don't want to make another part at this point in the game, but Flynn's following line is more along the lines of "be proud of yourself" (literally "raise your arms (in victory/pride)"), to which Yuri says the same thing in both versions (Flynn's dub line is "you've gotten better"). Including this because "you've gotten better" to me isn't really the same as telling Yuri to be proud of himself for the victory (something he'd never been able to do before). Since the dub came across as much more casual, I figured I'd add this part here too.

During Flynn and Patty's conversation, Flynn says "it's true there is no end to my worries." In the dub this was, "I have no want for trouble". This was probably a mix up of terms/intended meaning honestly, because Patty was basically saying he has a lot of burdens for being so young. It's not about trouble so much as he just has a lot on his mind and a lot to worry about in his current position.

Flynn proceeds to say he's made up his mind, basically saying he's made up his mind to accept those worries. In the dub, he says he's prepared to face it (the troubles), versus that he's made up his mind in accepting these new worries.

Patty's response is "made up your mind?" In the dub it's just "is that right?"

Flynn continues by saying in the end he'll have to worry a lot (more literally with all his might, so basically he'll be experiencing a whole lot of worries in the future) and that it will be a tough road, but he won't run away anymore.

I'm not sure why the dub used "path full of pain" since that sounds a lot more dramatic than "it will be a tough road". I imagine yeah, there will be pain in the future, but full of pain just sounds a bit... much? The dub also removed "anymore" from "won't run away anymore". Not sure what the idea behind that was.

Patty follows up saying it's admirable but that's no good, which the dub changed to a fish pun.

I'd also like to mention at this point, Flynn has completely dropped his use of "watashi" in favor of "boku" (he uses boku normally, but typically switched to watashi for formality/his status as a knight, which indicates he no longer feels the need to do this around Yuri's friends, and possibly does not feel the same level of distance he used to. At the very least it means he's allowing himself to be more of himself/more familiar and not viewing his position as a knight so formally).

Here Flynn says "thinking together, worrying together, and then one day realizing the world we dreamed of". Adding this since Flynn in the dub says "if we all work through our troubles together". It's kind of the same thing and kind of not, since in the original Flynn isn't mentioning "troubles" between anyone - simply the idea of everyone doing this together (the rest is basically the same in the dub).

Another change I'm not sure what it was for, but Ioder never mentions the Entelexeia specifically. He says this (what he's about to say) concerns the empire, guilds and everyone who lives in the world (which would include the Entelexeia by default, but literally everyone else too, which is the point because he's about to tell them about the blastia to start making plans). The dub never mentions about this affecting everyone in the world despite that being the whole reason he wants to talk to everyone about this.

Yuri calls Duke an "ignorant fool" here, rather than a "stubborn bastard", which I'm including because "ignorant" and "stubborn" aren't the same thing. Yes, Duke is stubborn about it, but in Yuri's eyes he's also being very ignorant of everything they're trying to tell him.

Not grabbing an image for this, but at the end of the game when Yuri is talking to Duke right after the battle, he's completely out of breath before and when he starts talking (the first line). Just a very nice touch!

In the dub Duke says Eluficer's wish was simply to protect the world and all living things. Here Duke says his wish is to protect the world and all living things with a good heart.

Also don't want to use an image here because of the image limit per post (especially because it's already tight even with me putting what images I can into "one" image as it is), but Yuri says "yeah, let's do it" (including the others), versus "I'm on it" in the dub at Flynn's prompting. Not a big change, but he does treat it as the whole group doing it together, which I find to be a nice touch for his character development.

Patty actually says "it- it stopped?!" The dub goofed and wrote "it's- it's over?!". The power of the blastia wasn't enough and its power was weakening.

Estelle says "No way, after we've come this far!". The dub changed this for some reason to "but how? There isn't any more!" in response to Rita instead of leaving it as it was.

Judith says "Please!" The dub used "It's gotta work!"

Flynn says "It's not over yet!" For some reason the dub used "This can't be how it ends!", which... idk, I feel like original Flynn has much more faith in it LOL.

Yuri says "Is it no good...?" Dub Yuri says "Dammit... come on!"

For the most part the rest is the same.

Adding this in because the old cutscene in the 360 version had to get changed to accommodate where Flynn was. Somewhat different than what we see with the other characters, you can see the power shoot out and push Flynn back as if it was grabbing the blastia itself, and you can see it pulled away from him (with everyone else we just see the blastia head toward the rest!).

Aside from that, Flynn says "you are my pride, dear friend" (the dub changed this to "I am so proud to call you my friend, Yuri Lowell").

The voice acting took me out with the happiness portrayed in Flynn's voice. (For just the Flynn part of the ending, I have a clip of that too, unsurprisingly.)

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Personal ending notes:

To sum it up briefly: I personally see a strong inserted bias put into the localization instead of just keeping things the way they were (i.e. changing context/character behavior to fit their bias despite that not being what the original context was, and inserting this into an official release). I say this because there are times when the translation is basically perfect, but there are very specific characters and instances where this suddenly changes, and unfortunately, there's a repetitive pattern that to me reads as intentional. Otherwise, I see no need for that to continuously happen only when select characters are involved.

As for the not so short version, y'all might be wondering why I mention things like it seems like they changed Yuri and berated Flynn so much on purpose. This is because the translation of this game sometimes can be astoundingly spot on. Perfect in some cases, even. There are times when the largest difference is just the wording itself and is simply given flavor, or uses a variety of wording so that sentences don't sound repetitive.

Yet when it comes to those two (individually but also between the two of them), the context quickly devolves into being either completely changed, the tones used are completely changed, and/or there's a slight alteration in the text that ends up giving a very particular notion that was not otherwise there (ex. "like a good knight" was added into Flynn's dialogue in a situation where he's being berated and yelled at, and it completely comes across as putting Flynn down the entire way through the conversation, versus him coming around and taking responsibility and that being accepted. In the original he simply mentions following his orders as a knight. There's no attempt to sound like the narrative itself is trying to insult him or bring him down).

I made these posts precisely because a heavy majority of the changed context involved them, and a lot of it either portrays Flynn in a negative light for the vast majority of the game which was not originally present, or it made Yuri come across as a much darker, scarier, "cool" type, which is a pretty stark contrast to his original personality/behavior.

Other things:

Yuri:

A lot of his lines come out neutral/flat, and that got even worse, like a hundred times worse, in his new DE lines. Yuri is pretty peppy in JP, and as a reference I would say his victory quotes are a big indicator of the personality shift ("cool" guy versus "silly" guy would be a big one for me). Other than that, Yuri is more silly and almost childish, sometimes even pretty pouty, and it shows blatantly right in his voice. He's also extremely not threatening to people who are not his enemy (liiike threatening Ioder with a real weapon with a serious voice).

I think the easiest way to explain this from my own perspective is that I adore JP Yuri completely. Dub Yuri I often find myself wanting to punch in the face for how he treats Flynn, Ioder and the one time, Leblanc. He lacks compassion in the dub where he otherwise does have it (even if it's not him being rude vocally/tonally, the dub dropped a load of emotional nuance in his voice). He's not a rough, overly cool edgy man (I hate people saying Yuri is an edgelord because damn if that ain't the farthest thing from the truth in JP, but it also shows how much they really leaned into that trope in the dub if people actually walked out of the game feeling that way about Yuri). He's a silly, goofy, caring man who is very gentle with people when they need a boost. That doesn't mean he doesn't have his "scary" dark moments, but the dub obviously leaned super far into it - enough that they would change Yuri mentioning punching someone to outright threatening to use a weapon against an unarmed man who is actually being quite polite.

Basically, he has a range of emotions and he has a lot of emotional intelligence. As one example, when he sees Karol down and sad when they first meet, he changes his tone to a combination of how you'd talk to a child with that child-y tone (he does this at the base of Halure's tree when he's asking Karol how to heal the tree), but then sometimes he shifts to actual gentle and soft to let Karol know he's there for him (when he's heading out to the woods to find the eggbear).

Ultimately, my point is that they took a perfectly well rounded character and changed him to, what? Fit their own bias/agenda/whatever? Because I can't look at both Yuris and be like "same person". I've never wanted to punch JP Yuri in the face. Only hugs here. What I'm saying is that I came out of both versions with two very different opinions on Yuri.

Next, Flynn (and Ioder and Leblanc).

Starting with Flynn, I get a very strong mindset of anti government shoved into the dub with these characters (i.e. not just the unnamed bad people in the government and the few named bad ones, but also directed toward the good ones, making it a more black and white approach). The dub makes Yuri out to be aggressive toward Flynn on the spot when they see each other again despite that in the original audio, he's not at all actually upset. He understands why Flynn is upset and that he's stressed out with his current mission. And no, the whole "Flynn swung a sword at him!" doesn't work here. Yuri knows Flynn. Very, very well. He reeeeally was not mad about that... especially if, you know, his tone in JP was anything to go by during and after. Flynn was the more upset one between the two, and Yuri remains calm - again, indicating his emotional intelligence and, most likely as it's not directly said, determining that being worked up about it would only cause Flynn more aggravation/stress. Thus, he doesn't press any buttons and remains calm. It makes his smile to Flynn later at Torim make that much more sense.

The thing is, I get the impression the dub wanted us rooting for Yuri and cheering for him digging into Flynn, when that was literally not the point of their interactions. We're not supposed to always blindly follow Yuri. Sometimes he is right, but sometimes Flynn is right. Like. That's it. That's the game. Not everything is simple or black and white. There's nuance.

That and/or like, someone in the loc team really hated Flynn. Based on everything, I'm... not against believing that at this point. Basically, the dub portrays Flynn in a negative light at most (arguably all) possible opportunities around every turn, even though the context/tone for that did not originally exist, until it couldn't anymore (i.e. he was past his character arc).

Ioder and Leblanc.

Ioder never does anything except keep Yuri in the loop, tell him important information and be genuinely happy to see him. There was never any vitriol between them. The way dub Yuri gives him an attitude just comes out of nowhere. Their relationship is pretty casual, which is pretty meaningful given that Ioder is on track to be on the emperor and Yuri is, plain and simple, a commoner. One who rescued Ioder, yes, but if Ioder was a "typical" noble in this game, he might have just brushed that off as "to be expected", even if Yuri didn't know he was saving a noble at first. Point being, Ioder is nothing but pleasant toward Yuri. Yuri has no reason to be rude, much less threaten him.

At Baction, JP Yuri is understanding that Leblanc needs to grieve and is in disbelief. He doesn't know if Leblanc will try to stop them, but he does offer his condolences with the tone of his voice, i.e. again: emotional intelligence. Something they changed in the dub to be nothing but rudeness and anger. Yuri made a statement to him at that moment, i.e. not to get in their way (mind you, again, he's polite about it given the situation), but not without understanding in his tone, which is a very common aspect of Yuri in his entirety. His wording (in general, not strictly with this specific scene) comes out rough and lacks politeness, but that's made up for in how he speaks to people (either relaxed, casual, gentle, etc).

In other words, the dub pretty much always slaps a point of view bias against these characters and uses Yuri as their proxy for it. Yuri, normally, in the original context, just treats them as human beings with ebb and flow in all of their emotions and situations. Things aren't black and white - humans are complex - and that is not the point of view that I feel we're given by way of dub Yuri. We're given a man who is constantly using anger in his voice toward imperial figures even when it's completely unwarranted, and even when he knows the people in question.

Other Stuff:

Assorted things are different mainly because of the acting, but Raven's goofiness got toned way down and Karol screams much... quieter, I guess you could say. They're both more lively in general though than how they were in the dub, so that's a plus from me too.

Rita is significantly softer with Estelle in JP, and she also is much more noticeably devastated about Raven's "death" and more panicked for Karol at Zopheir. I do love Michelle Ruff's portrayal and don't know that I truly have a preference, but I think a lot of Rita's emotional barrier breaking is truly expressed more in JP.

You know I gotta bring it up: Yuri and Flynn's relationship was kind of a mess in the dub. It gives the impression of Yuri being angry a lot more often than he ever actually is, and gives off the impression that we're supposed to dislike Flynn more than we're supposed to like him. Flynn isn't someone we're supposed to actively dislike, but the portrayal of him as expressed through dub Yuri does not come off as "we're supposed to like or root for this guy", when they're much closer than that in JP.

So yeah. The bulk of this is that Yuri is just not the same person to me between versions. Also, Vesperia has way more content in Japan (drama CDs galore frankly, and Yuri is still insanely popular in Japan and is thus a frequent character alt release in the gacha games and so has tons of voice lines and general story content, there's new merch of him every year because they make merch for the characters that have their voice actors showing up to TalesFes, etc).

There's much more ease in seeing JP Yuri's personality through all of it. I think it may be more difficult for people who don't understand Japanese or any Japanese at all, and that's such a shame to me because all those people get otherwise, without anyone posting about JP Yuri, is this... weird shell of Yuri that I sometimes even hesitate to call a shell because he just feels completely different to me.

Anyway uh I love Yuri (and Flynn) and that was the point of all this, but uh... if you made it this far thank you bunches and I hope people who maybe didn't like Yuri and/or Flynn who only knew the dub will change their perspectives. 🙇‍♀️