#i used to struggle with weight and body image in general (still do) bc i always felt like i wasn't 'feminine' enough. im tall so

[doinggreat]

Confession? Remember that time you were complaining about gaining weight? You looked fucking hot with it, it made your shape stand out even more. If I lived near you I would have asked you on a date then. And I love your sense of fashion. I think your sweet. Your blog is cool. Anyone who gets to meet you is lucky. Have a nice day.

Confess something you've thought about me on anon, and all I can do is post it

[sexiestwerewolf]

my new Ninjago OC!

more information ↓

I haven't come up with a name for him yet bc I suck at those but I've got a backstory

- He was outcast by his species before the merge because of a reason I haven't fully flushed out yet (thinking of making it so that he can't do any shapeshifting at all and making it an entire allegory), but he deals with a lot of feelings of inadequacy because of this and he thinks he's failed as an Oni

- he was outcast before March of the Oni and was lost between realms trying to find a way back home to the first realm without the power of the darkness to guide him. essentially the realm crystal is the EASIEST way to travel realms but it isn't the only way, and he spent a lot of years alone

-When the merge happens he's forced to live in a world he doesn't understand at all and a lot of people during this time are struggling to figure things out. He manages to find a job at Chen's Noodle House and starts to enjoy the life as someone who serves food so eventually he leaves with enough money saved up and opens up his own restaurant

- I like the idea of someone gaining weight when they're happy bc he used to be really emaciated and could barely eat even 3 times a week due to how hard it was to survive but now he's got a healthy relationship with food and his body and he's generally a pretty sound guy and pretty mature considering things. It doesn't look like he's fat in the image but from experience an apron will hide a lot of that lol

- He does a lot of introspection and his outlook on life is that "it's complicated and messy but at least it's life," and he usually looks at things from a realistic perspective while hoping for the best.

-He still gets irrationally angry at a lot of things though and often he'll find himself taking it out on inanimate objects and then he'll feel bad about it afterwards. He doesn't do it a whole lot in front of people, especially customers, but if he's comfortable around you you'll see him swearing and breaking things (usually with his claws on accident) a lot more

- Meets Lloyd a few weeks after the merge when he just started his job at Chen's and initially Lloyd is weary at first because yk he's an Oni and Lloyd had subconsciously associated Oni with bad and everything wrong in his life, but [name I haven't come up with yet] is essential to something Lloyd is trying to figure out so they need to interact and Lloyd figures out through sheer power of being exposed to something that HEY you dumb idiot your ancestry isn't evil or bad

- He had severe issues for awhile with meeting people's expectations and he constantly ran himself ragged trying to keep himself in multiple places at once. He felt like he had to depend on only himself for a while because of the fact he let down his Oni tribe and because of the fact he lived so long in isolation away from others. When he's hired by Skylor he burns himself out within the first week because he doesn't take a break except to go home and sleep.

- Y y y es this is meant to be an OC shipped with Lloyd but they're both demisexual here bc I will always make my favs be on the ace spectrum no matter what

-Hes 21 when the merge happens and by the events of s1 he's 27 (2 years older than Lloyd). He was outcast by the Oni when he was 15 years old (around the events of season 1)

-fun fact, Oni still have pupils in my hc you just can't see them very well. they're kind of like the changelings from mlp where they do have pupils once you look closely but they blend in so well with their irises that you can hardly see them. most Oni eye colors are red, purple, or blue. some are occasionally orange, yellow, and pink. [name I haven't come up with yet] has purple eyes

- he has so much fur/hair (think kind of like mohair on a goat) that he has to stuff a lot of it in his shirt and then use pins to hold it in place and he spends like 30 minutes each day just combing it

- he works out every other day to help clear his mind and to calm himself down but Oni are naturally pretty big anyways and really strong

- despite the fact he knows how to cook he has the worst appetite known to man and will not hesitate to eat the nastiest things ever. I like to think that anytime Lloyd gets offered gross food (as he's somehow done a lot in the show) he pretends to "steal" it but he does genuinely enjoy every single food he comes across and it's not just something that comes from his life of being outcast it also comes from his Oni biology. Though, he seems to be a lot more inclined to eat certain things even for an Oni

if it's not poison, it's food!

- has abnormally large ears for most Oni and he can hear slightly better than most people. it's also another reason why he stretch himself too thin while working when he first started because he believed everything he heard needed his attention and he was constantly trying to get to multiple places and do many tasks all at once

okay now imma go to bed hehe this was actually really fun

-has a better work/life balance in the future at the very least lol so dw

-has digitigrade feet! they're not very exposed bc he wears baggy pants all the time but if you look down you'll see he's never wearing any shoes and his paws are just out

[thedaughersofferrix]

A New Purpose (Chapter One: Beskar, Blood & Babies)

(work is not nsfw, but this blog is generally intended to be 18+)

synopsis: you’re an ex-rebel fighter struggling to adjust to no longer fighting against the empire and instead having to build from it’s ashes. to combat the overwhelming sense that you need to do something, you've dedicated yourself to wiping out the imperial remnants that still cling to the underside of the new republic. that changes when you meet a socially inept mandalorian and his adorable baby, who are running from imperial remnants.

tldr: an ex-rebel, a mandalorian and force-sensitive baby walk into a bar and nobody else walks out.

pairing: din djarin x fem! reader

content warnings: blood, injury, canon typical violence, slow burn, like really slow burn, strangers to friends to lovers, potentially smut in the future, reader has personality/backstory, little to no use of y/n, not-so-thinly-veiled anti fascism

word count: 3.1k

a/n: i have plans for this being a series but we’ll see. takes place after s2 but has nothing from mandalorian s3 and changes stuff from the book of boba fett. essentially a rewrite of the story. also din still has the razor crest bc no way two human sized people are fitting into that starfighter comfortably

prev. next.

-

The day you first met the Mandalorian is a memory scorched into your brain.

It was the same day you awoke to the taste of iron thick in your mouth and a Klaxon blaring in your head.

You were disorientated, grappling to readjust your eyes to the light as your body communicates to your mind the pain you were experiencing. Blood, dark and dried, stained the side of your face. Memories flooded your thumping head; you saw images of how you got yourself here.

Ah, that’s right. You were trying to suffocate the last sparks of the fascist, tyrannical regime that previously had total control of the galaxy.

The Imperial remnants were a blight to the New Republic and it felt like you were one of the only people acknowledging this.

The world had come a long way from where you’d been a few years ago, but the longer you sat through the changed world, the more it felt like the same shit in a different pile. They just didn’t know how to progress from being the underdogs. When you’ve been fighting against something for so long, it’s hard to finally pick up the pieces and start building things again.

Bluntly, the New Republic was in disarray. The Rebellion cut the Empire into millions of tiny pieces. Some of them were crushed by the weight of the New Republic, and others were buried in the ground and grew in the shadow of the New Republic’s struggle. It didn’t take long for you to decide things needed to be dealt with, quickly. And it was, well, easy. Fighting against Imps always was. It felt right and every move they made just felt like justification for fighting even harder.

But you’d gotten too cocky. You realised that after waking up in an Imperial cell.

The cells of the Imperial remnants are no different to the cells of the Empire themself. You’d know, because now you’ve been in both of them. They are desolate, bleak and empty. You just barely have what you need to survive, cramped less than a foot from where you lay. Slowly, and with great protest from your aching body, you sat up.

Pain in your head and the trail of dry blood on your face reminded you of the force at which that security droid had struck you. Numbness in your lower left abdomen meant you’d likely received a blaster shot to this area. One that had been poorly tended to, so that you’d still be just about clinging to life the next day so that information could be… extracted from you.

For a few seconds, you let yourself rest. Your limbs received five glorious seconds of doing absolutely nothing. How long had been since you’d been able to have those five seconds? Maybe you never had them at all actually. The five seconds did nothing for the throbbing pain in your head, however. A klaxon loudly declaring there was a problem prevented that.

But your five seconds of rest ended and you staggered to your feet despite the discomfort. Alright. Time to escape.

Once you’d been told that you were naively hopeful, that you needed to learn when the odds weren’t in your favour. Fucking ridiculous. That’s what hope is; perseverance in the face of unlikely odds. And things were shaping up to be quite unlikely.

You patted yourself down and cursed under your breath. Of course, they would strip you of everything on your person, even the beaded bracelet worn on your left hand. No point in dwelling on what you don’t have. It’ll be in your hands again soon. Quickly, you stumbled to the bars of your cell, you craned your neck to get a perspective on your surroundings. Yep, typical Imp-style prison block. Child’s play, frankly. See, there’s a trick to Imperial locks. Most prison locks.

The mechanism is made to only be opened remotely, inputting a command into a terminal. As such, the lock itself is not made to be opened physically, by force or by a keycard. The creator for that reason added a thin gap to prevent the mechanism from overheating. All you need to do is slot something thin and metallic into the crevice and it pops open like a chest in the hands of a greedy spacer.

You removed your right boot and pulled off the sole, shaking it roughly until a data disk clattered onto the ground. After reassembling your boot and slipping it back on, you snatched the data disk and moved to the cell door. Before slipping it into the thin gap, you took a glance from one side of the hall to another.

No guards, not even other prisoners. Whatever had gotten them so riled up must have been a real doozy. Now was not the time to question good luck.

The clunk of the lock coming undone sounded and you slipped the data disk into the top of your boot. After taking another careful glance to make sure this wasn’t some cruel trick, you slipped out.

With quick, careful steps you made your way down the hallway, stopping to try to discern the sound of something other than that fucking klaxon. You slipped from hallway to hallway, around the corner after corner and there was no one. Your mind flicked through the potential threats that could dignify such an all-hands-on-deck response.

And suddenly you heard it— hard, heavy footsteps and the clanking of something metallic. It didn’t sound like a stormtrooper; they were all plastoid chaffing against their body gloves. Great, so it was probably someone of a high enough ranking to wear something more durable.

You were unarmed and at disadvantage from a practical standpoint. Though, a lack of weapons had rarely if ever stopped you in the past. Even in your afflicted state, you were confident you could take down this Imp in what you pressured would be all-black with a fluttering cape.

You pressed against the wall and slowed your breathing to become as unnoticeable as possible. Then, you tackled them.

Easier said than done you realised fast. They were well-built and broad and their armour was definitely not an Imperial issue. Still, with the surprise, you managed to knock them off their feet.

A low grunt escaped them as they hit the ground ass-first. Immediately, you grappled for their weapon. Unluckily, your hand made contact with the blaster at the same moment theirs did. You still had the advantage, though, the mental preparation for combat— so you just fucking yanked it. The blaster fell into your hand and you brandished at their head, aim trained and hands steady and— wait.

That armour, that steel. Beskar. A Mandalorian? 

The Mandalorian takes advantage of your pause and kicks one of your legs out, sending you and the stolen blaster in your hand toppling to the floor.

You hit the ground and you hit it hard. You were winded on impact and no doubt aggravated your already painful injuries. The Mandalorian scrambled for his blaster and you found your voice again as he picks it up.

“Wait, wait, wait,” you croaked as he aimed his blaster at you. “I didn’t- I thought you were an Imp.”

“I’m not,” comes his enlightening response.

“Clearly,” you muttered, shifting to sit up. The blaster’s sight is trained between your eyes. “Where are the cells?” he demanded. At first, you don’t respond, your hand resting over your abdomen to support the weakened part of your body.

“I said—” he stepped closer, voice now dangerously low, “—Where are the cells?”

“Hey buddy, I’m not exactly in tip-top shape at the moment, if you want information out of me you need to give it a minute.” The beskar helmet covered his face completely, not even a cursory glance at the visor gave you an inkling of emotion. You had to assume he was annoyed with you. “I don’t have time for this—” he dismissed, fingers moving to pull the trigger.

“I’ll bring you to the damn cells!” you shouted. His finger froze.

“You know where they are?”

“Just escaped from one.”

He gestured for you to move. “Show me. Now.”

-

The walk, or rather hobble, back to the cell block you escaped from was less than pleasant.

You were in desperate need of a stim, bacta spray or even a sip of med nog, anything to quell the hurt plaguing your body. The Mandalorian didn’t seem to care as he was silent while watching you limp along the hallways, hand on the wall to steady yourself. He did not comment on your heavy breathing, visible injuries or shaking legs. Evidently, he didn’t give a shit.

“Here,” you breathed as you turned the final corner. “This is it.” He breezed past you and inspected the cells. His body language was tense as he came across empty cell after empty cell.

“These can’t be all the cells,” he insisted. “Where are the others?”

“Look, these are the cells they put their prisoners in. Unless you want to go to the maximum security—”

“Take me there.”

You blinked at him. “Are you a moron? Who knows how many troopers they have standing guard down there? Go yourself.”

“I don’t know where it is, you do. So take me there or die here.”

Honestly, you considered just letting him kill you then and there. But you were in an Imperial prison and you’d sooner live, suffer and potentially take one of them down with you than die quickly and never get to teach them a lesson. You sighed and it came out as a shaky exhale. “You really know how to charm a girl, huh?” you muttered, turning yourself around and beginning your trek. He watched you quietly.

“C’mon now, don’t ask me to bring you somewhere than sit with your foot up your ass when I try to lead you there.” He scoffed under the mask and it came out raspy and harsh thanks to the helmet. Your body was getting used to the ache invading your sense and walking became somewhat easier at that point. The silent trip to the elevators was a little bit more manageable that way.

When finally inside the small steel box leading you to what you could only assume would be your death, you pulled your shirt up to have a look at your wound. Your skin was scorched and irritated. The lack of feeling told you some nerves had been damaged and you weren’t excited to imagine how your muscles and bones beneath the charred skin were faring. The Mandalorian’s head turned in your direction, just enough to catch sight of the injury. He stared for a few seconds and then turned back to the door.

“Can you give me a blaster?” That had him turn his head back to you pretty quickly.

“No.”

“What? I’m bringing you down to the most protected level of an Imperial prison and I can’t even have a weapon to defend myself?”

He goes quiet, like might be considering it. Then he says simply, “No.”

“Alright then, you better fucking protect me or else good luck getting back out of this place.”

“I got in, I think I’ll get out just fine.”

You snort. “If you got in, they know how you got in. And they’re expecting you to go back out the same way. If you don’t want to die, you’re not going to let me die.”

Before he can rebuke you, the elevator doors open and a shot is fired directly between the two of you. 

You throw yourself to the side, hiding behind what little cover the walls provide and the Mandalorian does the same. Of course, they knew. They were waiting for you. Well, for the Mandalorian more likely, but if he died, you’d follow soon after.

“You wanna give me a blaster now?” you yelled at him. He didn’t respond, simply pulling the blaster from its holster and readying himself. He swung out from the cover and fired precise shots directly at the heads and chests of the troopers. The blaster fire that did hit him simply rebounded off his beskar. It takes only a few seconds for him to clear the five or six troopers who were standing ready.

“No, I don’t want to give you a blaster now.” You scoffed. Cocky bastard.

“The maximum security cells aren’t far, but we’re going to be meeting some resistance.”

“I can handle it,” he asserted. You nearly laughed.

But he certainly handled it. The second a stormtrooper was within range, they were shot down. He barely flinched each time a shot collided with his beskar. And he did, admittedly, keep you safe. Well, he was sort of protecting you by killing them.

“These doors,” you told him. “They’re locked with MLC-50 Magnolocks.”

“Can you slice them?”

“If I wasn’t half-dead. I don’t have the energy for it,” you admitted, slumping against the wall. "Do it now,” he commanded. You gave him a sharp look. “You’re fucking lucky I got you this far, Buckethead. Don’t make me regret it any more than I already do.”

“I need you to open the lock,” he said, sounding more… desperate. “Please,” he added, for good measure. You shake your head and he made a noise of annoyance as he turned away.

“Hey wait!” you began as you finally got a good look at his weapons. “Is that- Is that a beskar spear?” The Mandalorian turns back around. “...Why?”

“If it’s beskar you could probably break the locks open with it.”

“How do you know that?”

“I’m sorry, I thought you wanted my help. Use the spear, open the lock, no slicing needed.” He pulled the spear out and considered the lock for a moment. He looked between the two.

“You try to open it with your mind? Fucking hell just stab it!”

In one swift motion, he rammed the spear into the magnalock and electricity crackled wildly, before the door slid open. “Told you,” you said, grinning. He didn’t even spare you a glance, just walked right into the cell. He looked around, turned swiftly on his heel, and moved to the next door. He repeated the action until the second last door, at which he stopped.

The sound of footsteps filled your ears. “Hey, tough guy,” you called. He didn’t reply. You shifted back onto your feet and began stumbling over to him. “Tough guy!”

“I think he’s in here,” is all he told you. “Well that’s great, get him out quick, we’re not going to be alone for long.” Still, the Mandalorian didn’t move. 

“Maker above, move!” You looked behind you as the sound of footsteps became increasingly loud. Rushed and heavy, definitely stormtroopers. “Why are you hesitating?!”

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly, which floored you for a moment. And then you heard the sound of a muffled voice escaping through a mask filter. He might be hesitating, but you wouldn’t be. You snatched his blaster from his holster and he panicked, reaching to grab you until you fired a shot at the stormtrooper rounding the corner. “Open the door!” you ordered. This time, he listened.

The beskar spear punctured the lock and the door slid open. You nearly missed the tiny squeal of delight that came from the other side as you fired off at the stormtroopers approaching. Your arms struggled to keep the weight of the blaster as steady as you’d normally have it, but it was enough to fire killing blows. "Hurry up!” you barked at him.

The Mandalorian steps out, clutching… a baby. A small, green and admittedly quite adorable, baby. You’re not sure what you were expecting but… yeah. It wasn’t that. You realised your strength was failing you, you tossed him the blaster, which he somehow caught. The final few troopers went down smoothly.

“Fuck,” you hissed, laying back on the ground. “You’re gonna… You need to help me move.”

“You-”

“Please!” you cut in. “Just help me and I’ll get you and the baby thing out, I promise. Just… please.”

Maybe he took pity on you or he just knew he didn’t have any other option, but he resigned to offering you an arm. You essentially climbed up him until your weight was resting uncomfortably on his shoulder. “Tell me where to go.”

You instructed him as you battled for consciousness, all the while the baby looked at you with its massive eyes and tilted its head cutely in confusion. 

“Here, here. That panel,” you told him. The was still a small gap where you’d pried it off with your multi-tool and— fuck. You don’t have your gear. There’s a moment wherein you consider making him go get your things for you. Just a moment, though, because your head is thumping, your side is numb and somehow your bones are aching and right now you need to pass out.

It’s a bit of a manoeuvre to slip out through the way you came in and most of it spent weakly crawling behind a thick wall of beskar and muscle, but you made it. The Mandalorian hauled you onto his ship. That was nice. You expected him to sit you down outside the base and let you die there. He prioritised the baby, setting him down in his floating cot before grabbing at your arms.

“Tell me a place,” he commanded.

“What?” you rasped. “A place, tell me the name of a place, and I’ll bring you there.”

“I don’t…” You had to blink hard to not submit to unconsciousness. “Just, listen for a second, okay?” He went quiet. He looked back at the Imperial base, then back at you. He nodded. “Him—” you carelessly gestured in the general direction of the baby, “—the Empire want him, yeah?”

“What are you—”

“Listen! They’re trying to get him, am I right?” The Mandalorian nodded again.

“I know them, I can avoid them, keep him safe— keep both of you safe. You just give me some gear, get me away from here and I’ll do it.”

You rendered him speechless with that.

“We’ll talk more about it tomorrow or something, but right now, you need to give me something so I don’t die.”

“Tomorrow?” he parroted.

“Yeah, I’m not available for negotiations right now,” you informed him, with half a smile. He didn't seem amused by your attempt at levity. “Okay,” you sighed. “I’m going to pass out now.”

“You're going to what?”

And then darkness clouded your vision and you slipped out of consciousness.

NEXT CHAPTER.

[siriuslytproblem28]

tw: discutions of body image, food, b0dychecking and disordered eating?

ok since this is almost a journal for me, i need to vent abt something that i couldn't absolutely talk to anyone: i think i might have developed a tiny bit kind of disordered eating habits??? unintentionally

i mean, i feel like this is an exaggeration but i don't know how to call it...

for context, I'm a 20yo cis woman, though i question my gender every now and then, and I've spent my whole life being very thin, which started bothering me as i grew up and wanted to have more curves and fit into femine steryotypes of what a woman should look like. my body was always a small insecurity but i really didn't care that much untill the past few years. i started avoiding wearing clothes that showed how small my thighs and butt were, never wore leggings, but that was basically it. then, as i grew into my late teens and early adulthood, i gained a little bit of weight naturally, my boobs grew bigger, even though it never got to my lower body bc of genetics, i think.

i never really had a super flat stomach bc i sometimes struggle with bloating, and that never bothered me untill the past 2 or 3 years. when i noticed that i had gained a little weight i was really happy bc it's something that i wished would happen for so long, and i even tried to start working out at home to try get muscle. i tried to grow my lower body but trained inconsistent so didn't change much. i also tried to train my core to have a stronger but mainly flatter stomach, which also didn't do much since I wasn't training regularly. that went on until early this year, with me being generally ok with my body but recently uncomfortable with my belly. this caused me to start sucking in a lot since i mostly wear crop tops, avoiding tight dresses which i already did bc of lack of butt and hip dips, to the point in which i wore shapewear under a tight dress, and mind you, i had bloating but like a regular person, i didn't look pregnant or anything, i was still a thin person, only slightly bigger than before. I think i some point then i must have developed a tiny body image distortion, cause sometimes i saw myself as almost fat (I'm gonna highlight again the fact that i was still skinny, barely on my healthy bmi but still close to a low weight), but i was still eating mostly healthy. i did consume processed foods which is almost inevitable in my current situation but tried to balance them with healthier options, and i ate enough, sometimes even a little more when i was training, still under a healthy amount.,

but then, this year, i started going to college regularly, and since I study theater, we spent a lot of time on campus sometimes even a whole day, for weeks... since i started being away from home for so long, i started changing my eating habits a little...

at first, sometimes i didn't have much time to have breakfast so i only ate a little (later in the year i would leave without any at all, and mind you, i have low blood pressure and i ALWAYS loved eating breakfast), at lunch, i sometimes didn't wanna eat till i was satisfied either cause i would bloat (and this is when i started wearing lower rise jeans and didn't wanna be with a belly) or bc i have fast metabolism and didn't wanna have to use the bathroom to, yk... (which i started being more comfortable with later in the year), i sometimes went the whole afternoon without eating (which, again, is so weird for me bc I'm the type of person who needs food every 3 to 4 hours), and would only have dinner at home, after like 7 to 11 hours after my last meal, or sometimes at the college earlier but still eating less than i normally would. i also begun to feel self conscious about the amount that i ate, even if it was normal, i realized that my friends all seemed to eat less so i begin serving less food or not eating all of what i served. i didn't realize much of this as it was happening, but it got to other places of my life: before going to parties i would drink teas to reduce my bloating and not eat much before going out to have a flatter stomach. still not noticing that i had all those bad habits. when i was at home, at weekends or days off, i ate regularly like i did before.

besides all this, the quality of what i ate also got worse. i would replace meals with snacks, sometimes higher in calories to make up for the time that i hadn't been eating but so much worse in nutrients, which was more time convenient or was what was available, and also cheaper.

one thing that probably contributed to this, was that i started having a much more active lifestyle. i was closer to being sedentary before, and this year i walked and ran soo much, i was having pratical classes in which we moved for hours, so i burned off more calories.

all of this only stroke me when i weight myself one day, 1 or 2 months ago, after i realized my stomach was in deed smaller and some of my pants and skirts looked bigger on me, and i felt more comfortable wearing low rise jeans, and simultaneously more insecure abt my small butt and thighs, that had gotten even smaller. so i went to weight myself and realized i had lost like 5/6 kg in like 4 months, i wanna say? which isn't a lot, but even at my highest weight i was still very skinny. then suddenly, couple of weeks ago i started seeing myself much skinnier than i had seen before . when last year i thought i was so much bigger, more average than earlier, them went to not really realizing i was losing weight, last week it just downed on me that i am looking like i did when i was in my early teens in terms of body fat and muscle. my boobs are still bigger bc i only got them later and they're mostly mammary glands than fat, and obviously i look like a young woman, but i started seeing my chest bones years after saying goodbye to them, also my clavicles and my shoulder bones look so prominent, my ribs never stopped showing but theyre more visible now, and as i said, my legs got skinnier and the tiny butt i had went away, and finally the point of my whole disturbance here: i got a much flatter stomach, I don't even seem to be bloating that much. i have a little more fat, like a tiny pouch which i think it's due to my poor choices in food recently, but my waist is smaller, i was certain when i measured myself.

so, my big thing here is that i hate how my body looks now, even if it isn't that big of a change, but i feel like my progress in weight gain was lost, and i feel like i look kind of sick, idk, i feel the effects on my health, i get sick more often, i get dizzy and nauseas a lot more than before, and i started bruising very easily which didn't happen before. i haven't done a blood draw to see how my actual levels of vitamins, colesterol and everything else is since i got to this pattern of unhealthy habits so idk how bad it actually might have turned to...

the obvious thing here would be to change my habits, start eating more and healthier, start actually exercing and since i do love food and don't have a bad relationship with eating itself, all this weight loss was unintentional and it makes me uncomfortable that i allowed this to happen to myself, but there's one small problem here: i adore how my waist looks. it's so very conflicting that i think i look uglier this skinny but also am kind of impressed by how small my waist is and do really enjoy it. I don't wanna lose this. Don't want it to grow bigger. ik this isn't a healthy thought but I can't control it. (btw I don't have access to therapy rn🫠) i

honestly, i think that if i didn't think the other parts of my body looked bad bc of the weightloss I wouldn't even consider changing my habits bc i would be loving my flat belly and that would be the only focus.

I'm starting my summer vacation now so I'll stay mostly at home, which probably will make me eat better and will try to exercise for a stronger body since this is really useful even for my classes, but I'm scared of not looking like i want to look, or not liking it when i get to a higher weight. i don't fear gaining, i really want to, but I don't wanna get a big stomach. since I don't have many curves i feel like having a tiny waist makes the illusion of bigger hips and i feel genuinely so much better with the way my stomach looks rn, i started wearing clothes that i could never only a couple months ago.

i had never experienced a weight loss, since my body took years to gain something it just always stayed like that, and i didn't realize it happening, which scares me to think about. i also don't understand how i want to gain healthy weight but also feel a little mesmerized by how skinny i look, how close to some girls that are used for inspiration in 3d forums i ended up looking. i know a lot abt 3d content on the internet bc i have a best friend who struggled with it and it kinda became a hyper fixation for me every once in a while. whenever i saw something abt it i would devour the content and it would make me feel a little bad about myself but i wouldn't act upon it. i knew it wasn't healthy for me as a "healthy" person to see that kind of content, but sometimes i saw something that really triggered me and so i went and seeked more of it, can't explain why...

yeah so idk what to do now, and if I'm being super dramatic here or what, I don't wanna mention this to my friends cause most of them hace struggled with real 3ds and serious stuff and I don't even know what is it with me...

can someone give me a clue? does anyone ever been through this or knows wtf is going on...

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

Hii, I'm not the original gender anon but I'm in the same "process" (ifk what to call it haha) and just like, my question (my rambling maybe more?) is how do you differentiate between not feeling at ease in your body bc of (internalized) fatphobia and actual gender dysmorphia? Bc like I grew up doing ballet so the idea of a good body is being tall and lean (and gaining weight is almost the worst thing that could happen to you) so I always looked at my body with.. disdain ig for not being able to match those standards

But those standards are also the same as like the "ideal androgynous body " (I'm talking like David bowie and Harris Reed and others), which I know is also bullshit bc your body doesn't determine your identity

But like, how do you differentiate? Anyway feel free to ignore this long rambling I mostly needed to put those thoughts somewhere

hello fellow mermaid!! let's create a whole flock omg.

your question is definitely a tough one, bc it's also one i have to deal with. in my personal case, i have a lot of dysphoria/dysmorphia caused by my stomach area, to the point where the word belly makes me uneasy. this is bc being pregnant or being expected to be/forced into that role (which seemed like a thing in childhood) evokes a visceral reaction in me, like disgust, panic and being disconnected from my body all in one. i can't handle ppl/myself touching my stomach. and i used to think this was just a form of disgust of pregnancy in general, but i learned that i'm not bothered by other ppl's baby bumps, just very much would hate to have one myself, and that this is gender-motivated (it took me a while to get there). i can differentiate that feeling from feeling uneasy about bloating or gaining weight, bc i know now that i'm not angry at my body for having fat and fluctuating in weight. i don't feel disgusted, or have that kind of intense reaction, when i feel or see my fat. this is hard to figure out, though, so i get the struggle, bc (internalised) fatphobia is a bitch (and sth i'm still unlearning too). when you're struggling with your body image, try to see, step by step, where it's coming from.

and in general, know any body is an accepted body, and, like you said, your body doesn't have to prove what's on the inside. let it be confusing! to yourself and to others. there's things we'll never know, after all <3

[saucysamu]

Okay so... I know you’re not in the mood to write rn but still emergency request? like you can do a really small one bbygirl and don’t pressure yourself to write it immediately! ❤️

My friend just tiggered me cause she bought the same pair of trousers I got and she has them in S and I needed L. Like I would‘ve never fit in S. Yet she does and her body is similar to mine? Also she gained weight & I lost some?? and I’m just confused and my mind is getting stupid Ed related thoughts again like? I lost weight & gained muscles yet I’m still too fat??? Eventho I’m not like you can see my ripcage ??? & can I get some comfort from Oikawa, Sakusa & Atsumu pls?

My love I hope you’re doing better by now and don’t keep on spending your time thinking about that 🥺 you know you can rant to me whenever you feel like it, ilysm ❤️

Anyways here we go,,

Oikawa, Sakusa and Atsumu x reader who struggles with an ED

warnings: mention of ED/ body image/ food

Oikawa

* You’ve been dating for quite a while so Oikawa is aware of what went through your mind back then 

* and he knows how to deal with it quite well??

* though he wished he didn’t have to, you’re so perfect in his eyes he will never be able to wrap his head around how someone like you would worry about such things

* so when you mention it all awkwardly to him that,, specific thoughts keep occurring again his mind goes A L A R M

* you even feel too embarrassed to look at him at all, but what for?

* he hugs you softly, placing his chin on the top of your head “you know I would never judge you for the way you feel right?” you just hum quietly as a response

* ladies, gentlemen and non-binary babes: here we have another king of pushing your self-esteem or crushing it in the case of enemies

* idk how he does it but he always says the right things to you without messing up or triggering you

* bet he’s the first one to distract you and support you like no other

* bitch cooks recipes of your fave foods to cook them more healthily so you won’t feel guilty

* need a gym buddy? Oikawa agrees before you can even ask him 

* he tries to be subtle when observing your behavior bc even when he acts calm he’s still worried to death

* however it doesn’t stay unnoticed by you lol and you’d just reassure him with a teasing grin

* as much as he wants to believe it, he catches himself at times just wanting to make extra sure,,

* but he knows you’re strong!! and a fighter!! 

* Still cautious when it comes to food even if you got better, it low-key became a habit of his to make sure you eat properly

* honestly can’t wait to go shopping with you again to hype you tf up and show you off to the world like “Ha! I have the prettiest gf on earth!! Watch her go off!!!”

Sakusa

* oh boy oh boy it took so long for the both of you to finally date so you can bet your ass he cares about you almost more than cleanliness,, almost

* which means there are only two things that make him feel startled,,, germs and you suffering

* he was NOT prepared for this

* I’m not gonna lie he’s the type that never got behind how being mentally ill worked, he always took everything as it was and would usually roll his eyes at someone claiming they’re depressed like honestly he’s such a “get over it, everyone gets sad sometimes😔✌🏻” - kind of guy cbdahjbks help💀

* well at least that is until he started to get to know you

* at the beginning he was still in denial like ??? iTs NoT ThaT ComPLiCatEd someone give this man some empathy PLEASE

* scratch that when he finds out how severe this can actually get yes he watched documentaries on EDs but if you asked no he didn’t 

* you notice his caution now tho like come on it’s obvious

* finds excuses to spend more time with you, always wants to be as close to you as possible my guy wants make sure you’re not ✨messing around✨

* suspiciously more affectionate than before

* adjusts to you more easily now like who are we kidding this man wants you to be okay, no, GLOWING bc you’re his precious baby

* cuddle sessions with you sitting between his legs, leaning against his chest while doing your daily self care routine and watching cheesy Netflix originals

* it’d be quiet the whole time and out of nowhere he’d randomly tell you how beautiful and perfectly clean you are and how much he loves you,, as if it was nothing,,smh OmiOmi

* he’s too awkward to suggest actually useful things to you,, I mean his emotional intelligence is a little uhhh behind so what do we expect

* would do anything for you that is of help tho so if you ask him to do this or that he’d never say no to you

* cooks healthy meals for you and yes he CAN cook

* if you ever argued about it then it would probably be bc he doesn’t get how you can think so low of yourself. He doesn’t want to be angry let alone show his anger about it to you but sometimes he can’t help but feeling frustrated. You both can be stubborn so it probably takes a while for him to make it up to. 

* his apologies are the most sincere you’ll ever witness.

* actually puts a lot of effort into those so you just can’t stay angry with him ://

* he really tries his best and sometimes in a moment of silence when you two lie down cuddled up with tangled legs and your ear pressed against his chest, his heartbeat reassures you that he’s there for you no matter what.

Atsumu

* he always thought you were being sarcastic whenever you left remarks on your body

* malfunctions when he realize you weren’t 

* ffs he’s overwhelmed and doesn’t know what to say when you actually talk about it

* tries to bite down his tears

* he fails

* and just hugs you tightly from behind so you don’t see him like that

* soft whispers in your ear that he’ll make you love yourself the way you should while cradling you 

* he’s not convinced he’ll be able to actually manage that but you can be certain he’ll put his whole heart into trying so.

* internal panic when he sees you being down so he awkwardly tries to light your mood with bad fuckin jokes,, he doesn’t know you laugh at the actual jokes but rather at him 💀

* like the perfect clumsy boyfriend he is - his attempts to cook something you’d be comfortable with go horribly wrong since he can’t cook for shit so he begs Osamu to cook something for you and Atsumu would just take his bike and get to Onigiri Miya and back in no time

* his clumsiness would distract you all the time and you can’t convince me otherwise 

* when you laugh at him like that he’d pout out of embarrassment but it would turn into a smile at the way you laugh right after like ugh he’s blessed

* probably asks Osamu for advice every now and then and his brother is just like??? you’re asking ME?? despite him still giving good advice

* ofc he works out with you what did you expect though he doesn’t want you to overdo it 🥺

* wants you to be around whenever he has practice or games, he’s more at peace knowing you’re not doing god knows what

* and you better keep your eyes and mind on him at all times 👀😼

* showering you with so many compliments like even about things you didn’t even notice yourself, he’s just really paying attention to you thoroughly it seems like every day he loves you more and more and he makes sure you realize that.

I really hope you liked it and I’d be happy about any feedback so please leave some bc I’m kinda insecure about my writing in general lol

[brunchbitch]

Do you feel like A is unsupportive of your ED, or he tries but will often make you feel worse? Is that why you don’t tell him whenever you use ED behaviors?

no i wouldn’t say he’s unsupportive of my ED, but a lot of the time i think he doesn’t really know how to help. another reason i wouldn’t tell him is that (not so much anymore) i was fairly frequently using behaviors so if he knew i was struggling with it in general, i didn’t feel like i needed to tell him every time.

when my ED was much more active, i was talking about how bad my body image was and how much i wanted to lose weight and he said something to the effect of “well you could try going to the gym more?” which i think in his mind wasn’t triggering bc it didn’t have anything to do with food? idk. but i was like uh that’s not helpful lol. i know i can do that. last time we talked about it (i told him i had weighed myself for the first time in a long time and it was hard), he asked me what would be helpful to hear from him. i said “i still love you no matter what your weight is.” and he was like okay i can do that! 

[bi-rezi]

I got into thinspo type shit when I was about 14, about the same time I read wintergirls by laurie halse anderson. (dont read that book, btw.) I was the skinniest I've ever been, largely bc that was also before the doctors were able to nail down a diagnosis for my ulcerative colitis, let alone treatment. I counted calories, I wrote down everything I ate, the whole thing. and then I got my diagnosis and had the realization that with the colitis, I could actually die of malnutrition if I didnt eat. so I did what I do best and forced it all to the back of my mind. I threw away my calorie journal and stopped looking at thinspo and pushed any thoughts of the yellow bubbles of fat under my skin (thanks ms anderson) as far to the back of my mind as I could and tried to eat like a real person again.

and it mostly worked, even though I was still insecure about my body. I didnt think about the phrase "emptystrong" (thanks ms anderson) for ages. I gained weight, broke 100lbs again and filled out some. started actually growing breasts and hips, as one does during puberty.

then I went on prednisone. then I stayed on prednisone for about 5 continuous months. at one point I was taking 60mg a day. if you're not familiar with prednisone, it's a corticosteroid that people arent generally prescribed for longer than 2 weeks because the side effects (weight gain, fat collecting in odd places, depression, increased appetite, acne, etc) are so numerous and problematic. it wouldn't've happened if we hadn't been in the process of switching insurance and therefore switching doctors, but it did. to be honest I could sue, if we could afford to do that kind of thing.

I was probably around 120 when i started on the prednisone. by the time I got off it, I was probably about 180, and I didnt stop slowly gaining weight until just recently, 4 whole years later. not to mention that I was always hungry, no matter how much I ate. my face blew up like a balloon - prednisone moon face is why I look the way I do - and I got horrible, horrible acne. and, of course, it really fucked with my preexisting depression, not to mention the stress of being a 15 year old girl and having your whole entire appearance ruined.

I never quite got back into thinspo proper, but I didnt need to when now almost any model or actress was sure to be so much skinnier than me that it had the same effect. I wasnt the only fat person in my friend group, nor was I the biggest or heaviest, but i felt like the ugliest and I probably was. i felt 100% unlovable, like anything else about me was overshadowed by how horrible I looked. any self-esteem I'd previously had was just gone. I got into some pretty harmful depressive habits.

the first time I opened up about the prednisone to someone who both hadn't been there while it was happening and who had been on prednisone themself was when I was 16. I was in Scotland, I was flirting with the idea of being nonbinary, and I was with an all-girls choir. but they were all kind to me, and friendly enough to even consider some of them friends. a couple of us were chronically ill, so I talked about my colitis and the prednisone. one of the girls had been on it before and she was shocked to hear that I'd been on it so long. she didnt say it, but I bet she was thinking something along the lines of "no wonder you look like that."

(I actually came out as nonbinary for the first time on that trip. I skyped my girlfriend at the time and told her, and the next day I told the entire choir, all at once.)

any self esteem I have now, any positive thing i think about my body or my face, i had to build from the ground up. i have fought tooth and nail against my depression and my anxiety and everything else going on in my brain to get to where I am today wrt positivity. sometimes it still feels like fighting to feel good about myself. sometimes I lose and just feel like shit all day.

it helps to actually look around at the real people you know. your mom, your grandma, your teachers, your friends - maybe one or two of them looks like a thinspo model but the rest of them look much more... normal. because it is normal to carry fat on your body - you are not grotesque, you are not a whale of a person, you are not beyond saving or loving.

another thing that's been helping has been working on my relationship to food. I still struggle with what feels like the basics - just eating enough. often, between my various mental problems and my physical health, I don't have the spoons to make healthy food, and money is also an issue with that type of thing. I would just... not eat, because I couldn't make anything and I couldn't afford anything healthy. but the thing is that the rules are different when you still struggle to make 3 meals a day happen. getting any food into your body, no matter what it is, is a LOT better than not having any food in your body. I couldn't afford healthy premade food, but I could afford shitty food. it was hot, and it was filling, and it was better than an empty stomach and I'll never regret eating mcdonalds when I couldn't cook for myself.

it is not easy. I still dont have a properly healthy relationship with food, or with my body image. I feel like shit a lot of the time, and I slip up and miss meals often. but I am doing better, and that is all I can ask for.

[seoulscenarios]

College AU! Seo Changbin

Sorry this one is out a little later than usual, but my laptop died and wouldn’t turn on so i couldn’t post it T__T but it’s here now. thank you for all your love and support for this series <3

-Major: Music (Vocal) and Composition

-Minor: business studies

-Sports: none,,, he likes sports but not enough to join in when he could be sleeping or writing music

-Clubs: contrary to his sharp image he could be seen frequenting the art department and literature department when the drawing club and poetry club held their meetings. He really liked drawing, deciding that if a music career was out of the question he could really say a big screw you to his parents and become a tattoo artist lmao. He didn’t go to the poetry club as much as he did the drawing club, he went to get inspiration for lyrics and new metaphors n stuff

-So Changbin a vocal major you say???

-Yes he did enjoy singing, he definitely wouldn’t say he was as good as the other students who were professionally trained from a young age but he had his own vocal colour

-Changbin did truly enjoy his course but he wasn’t,,,, passionate about it

-Unlike everyone else on the course who wanted to be singers or train people to sing,,, he just didn’t have that same mentality

-Which is why he chose to do composition as a way to do what he really liked

-Bc Changbin was a rapper

-And was part of the underground rap trio of 3RACHA with 3rd year Chan and fellow 2nd year Jisung

-They were extremely popular on campus,, it’s just a shame his vocal professors thought otherwise when he came in with a sore throat the next day to class

-They frowned upon rap, saying it wasn’t a viable option for Changbin to perform a rap piece about societal issues and that he NEEDED to sing in order to pass the module which needless to say,,, ended with him writing a few more rap tracks where he dissed the school system lmao (these ended up a HIT with the student body and Changbin frequently heard other students listening or quoting the lyrics which made him immensely proud uwu)

-One time he had to redo a module bc he rapped instead of sang at a recital, despite showing his teacher the song he was going to do and he even performed at rehearsal

-He just said screw it on the actual night and changed the track lmao

-Whilst it went down a storm with the students and his friends in the audience, his professors, examiners and the rest of the audience were extremely shocked and unimpressed

-His professor wanted to fail him but said he had too much potential as an artist that he made Changbin perform again in front of the department in order to give him a grade

-Okay so whilst Changbin did like to screw with his department a few times bc they were never lenient towards his ideas about rapping he did genuinely like his course and it meant he could pursue music, albeit different from what he wanted to do

-It was his minor that really gave him trouble

-You see,, he really hated business with a passion like he wanted to burn all his business textbooks n scream in front of the department building

-But he couldn’t bc it was the only reason he was allowed to study music at university

-His parents really did not approve of his career choice, citing how unreliable and unstable it was for the future you know the general consensus a lot of parents have about going into the arts instead of something safe like economics or bsiness or law

-It took countless months of arguing and persuading his parents that he didn’t want to do anything but music that the conceded only IF he picked up business as his minor

-Like,,, don’t get me wrong he could see where his parents were coming from but at the same time,,,, Changbin has such passion for the music world that he couldn’t see himself anywhere but a recording studio writing songs and lyrics, maybe even performing them himself

-He finally wore his parents down by showing them the feedback from his teachers in high school and online where he posted some of his self made tracks that they conceded

-But the business aspect of his course

-Made him want to die :)

-Changbin most certainly did not care for monopolies or business strategies that helped to improve profit margins for a corporate business

-This was exactly what Changbin hated and wrote songs about how it destroyed society but u know,,, it’s fine really

-Until he has to write three 2000 word essays on some business bullshit that he realises just how much he hates business

-Changbin was scarcely passing his business modules, praying to get at least 40% so he could pass instead of having to redo any of the work lmao (if that’s not me @ my modules)

-You could always see him when it was coming up to his deadlines at the library with Woojin cooing over him soothingly, as Changbin was trying NOT to cry about how much he hated business

-If Minho was studying there as well he would buy Changbin stress coffee and they would both sit there complaining about how awful deadlines were lmao

-Though,,,, Changbin was much better at handling the stress than Minho who just downed coffee after coffee

-Changbin just had a idc attitude when it came to his business stuff, saying if he failed it’s not much of a loss bc my parents think I’m wasting my time anyway (oof this hits a little close to home I wont lie)

-But anyway, Woojin would always help him revise for his business exams and would test him on case studies n vocabulary he needed to learn so he never went into them completely clueless

-Once,,, he literally ran to Woojin’s dorm after he got 68% on a business exam and he promised to buy Woojin all the chicken in the world for helping him

-Now, now that’s a tad excessive don’t you think?

-Hyung, I owe you my LIFE

-Changbin NO, just treat me to dinner once and consider it done

-Wow we don’t deserve Woojin

-Speaking of dorms,,,, Changbin rented out an apartment with Hyunjin and Seungmin and well,,,, their apartment was messy as hell

-Okay so first of all,,, they all studied different courses so their lounge area was just a mess of lyrics sheets, bits of fabric and law books strewn all over the place

-Law books served as coasters for left over coffee mugs and more often than not you could always find bits of scrap fabric in them if they’d be left out for too long lmao

-The three of them make Sunday cleaning day bc otherwise,,, well they’re apartment might become inhabitable

-So,,,, back to the plot

-You knew Changbin though it had been a while (read: middle school) since you had last seen him

-One could even say you were really close friends until you had to move away due to your fathers’ job and when u told baby Changbin this,,,, he cried and refused to speak to you and when he finally got round to the fact you were leaving,,,, you had already moved and even though you posted him a letter he didn’t read it out of spite (though he still had the letter uwu,, not that he would let anyone know)

-But ever since you moved away, you never got as close to anyone as you did with Changbin all those years ago and your heart ached a little every time you thought of your childhood friend

-However, you were grown up now and whilst you still got tinges of sadness you were over it and tried your best at your entrance exams so you could get into a good college

-You decided to major in psychology bc you really enjoyed the analysis of people and how the brain worked

-However,,, the uni you went to kinda sucked and you weren’t progressing as much as you thought you would be which made you,,, very frustrated

-So you began to look into other colleges and you contacted one that seemed to have an extremely high satisfaction and employment rate

-When you told your parents that you decided to move college they were apprehensive but when you explained why they did support you

-They were even more supportive bc it was the college that their friends’ son goes to and oh maybe they get in contact with them so their son could show you round campus

-Before you could protest they were on the phone setting up the arrangement

-So when your second year of college rolled round you found yourself at a new college and a new dorm with your stuff in boxes

-Your parents helped you move most of the stuff in but they had to leave early due to a business meeting (lol wasn’t that just ur life though)

-Without so much as a “goodbye sweetie let us know how it all goes” and a hasty kiss to the cheek they left you in the dust with 3 heavy boxes full of stuff you had to move in by yourself

-You sighed, heaving the boxes on top of each other praying that someone would see your struggles

-Luck was on your side that day it would seem

-As you struggled to pick up the three heavy boxes, you felt the weight lighten immensely and a voice piped up

-“You look like you need help, what room are you in?”

-“Uhh, 203”

-“Sweet let’s go”

-Something about the boy seemed familiar but you couldn’t quite place it as you followed him up the stairs to your dorm room

-Once you reached the door you told the boy it was fine and you could take it from here but he insisted on taking the boxes through for you

-Sighing, you fished the keys out of your pocket and unlocked the door, whilst simultaneously apologising for the mess ur room was in

-The boy just laughed, placing the boxes in an empty space as he observed the piles of textbooks and clothes thrown around your room and you froze

-You recognised that laugh

-Your eyes followed him as he took an innocent look around the stuff on your desk, watching him pick up a textbook and flipping through it

-Something seemed to have caught his attention, right at the front of the book and he turned round to look at you scrutinising your face

-“C-changbin?”

-“Y/N?”

-The two of you stared at each other, eyes wandering around the now unfamiliar curves and contours of your faces

-“My parents told me that you were transferring but I didn’t think I would actually see you so soon” changbin said warily, hand coming up to scratch the back of his neck

-“Oh, um, yeah bad college for first year thought I’d try my luck some place different” you replied awkwardly, placing the box you were still holding onto the floor

-“Well,, it’s been a while”

-“Hmmm”

-The room lapsed into an awkward silence and Changbin traced the name in the textbook he was holding, in disbelief that he had finally found his childhood best friend again

-You, on the other hand, couldn’t believe how well Changbin had grown up

-Like he wasn’t a chubby kid but he had truly grown up,,, and well u felt ur throat well up in sadness at the fact you weren’t by his side as he grew up

-“I have to go back,,, it was nice seeing you again Y/N and I’ll catch you round?” changbin’s voice cut through your thoughts and you just nodded, not trusting your voice at that moment

-Of all the days to encounter to your old best friend, it just had to be on your first day at your new college you thought bitterly, glaring at the mess all around you before sighing, knowing it was no use being bitter about it before starting the lengthy process of unpacking

-Changbin, however, as soon as he got back to his apartment began to refile through trying to find the letter you had left him all of those years ago

-Hyunjin and Seungmin heard all the noise and decided to investigate

-Nothing could prepare them for the sight of Changbin with tears marking his face and a slip of paper with childish handwriting on, surrounded by hundreds of other sheets

-They just glanced at each other before leaving the doorway, deciding to confront him about it later

-Changbin didn’t notice his two flatmates, too busy tracing your childish scrawl

-“Binnie!! I know you are angry at me for leaving but I can’t help it. Dad got a new job T__T. I wish I could stay with you. If you are reading this, it means I already left. Ahh, what to do I’m crying. Please write to me Binnie, I wrote my new address on another piece of paper! Love your best friend, Y/N xxxxxxx”

-He reached into the envelope, pulling out another piece of paper where you had written your address as neatly as you could,,, obviously you had gone through much pain to get it as neat as possible so he could read it

-His heart began to ache, knowing that he had the means to contact you all those years ago but he had been an angry child

-Changbin wiped the tears from his face before putting the two pieces of paper back in the envelope and placing it delicately on his desk next to his lyrics book

-He sat on the floor, contemplating his options

-Like on the one hand, he wanted to really talk to you and get his best friend back but on the other hand, he was unsure if you wanted to or whether you had really moved on

-Throwing caution to the wind, he decided that he would try and talk to you again

-I mean he knew where you lived,,, he wondered if you still liked strawberry milk and jellies

-The next day you were surprised to see Changbin at your door holding a carton of strawberry milk and a packet of jellies

-You let him, secretly glad that he came to see you after your awkward encounter yesterday

-“I realised yesterday I was a complete ass, and I guess I was all those years ago for not opening your letter and realising that we still could’ve been friends if I just opened it” he said, standing awkwardly at your desk whilst you sat on the bed

-You laughed at how sad he looked, patting the space next to you gesturing for him to sit there

-His eyes widened before perching right on the edge of the bed,,,, you laughed again and just slapped his arm

-“It’s okay Changbin! Fresh start, we’re both ‘adults’ now so no hard feelings. Tell me about yourself and I’ll tell you what happened to me”

-For the next few hours, you found at everything about Changbin

-From how much he hated business to his new friends, all the way to the fact he was part of an underground rap trio with two of his other friends

-You were impressed, you knew Changbin liked to write lyrics from a young age and you were so proud he honed in on that passion to pursue a career in it

-Changbin listened raptly as you told him all about how much you suffered through high school, feeling like you didn’t have your life planned out like everyone else did and how you ended up taking psychology bc you enjoyed watching people and wanted to know more about how humans worked on a psychological level

-Without realising, the two of you fell back into your old rhythm like nothing hadn’t happened in the years you had been apart

-It had turned dark by the time you and Changbin had finished catching up with each other

-Changbin’s eyes widened as he checked his phone, both at the time and the hundreds of notifications he had gotten from all his friends including a concerned Felix (which NEVER happened)

-“Oh my god I really need to go before my friends send out a search party and they think I’m finally dead”

-“It’s fine! I didn’t think we had been talking for so long” you laughed at him, pushing him off the bed and towards the door

-Changbin’s hand was on the handle before he whipped back around so quickly you were worried for a hot second

-“I need your number. I won’t let myself screw this friendship over again” he handed you his phone and you felt your heart get all warm at the sentiment

-You put your number into his phone, with the contact name of “best friend, again” which Changbin smiled at before pulling you into a hug and running out of the door

-You smiled softly at his retreating figure, shutting the door and laying on your bed

-You hadn’t felt this happy in a long while, you finally had your best friend back

-Changbin on the other hand, got back to his apartment full of his 8 friends who all demanded to know where he had been without a single word to any of them for the past 11 hours which was very unlike him

-“Wait,,,, what’s with that look on your face?” hyunjin inquired, leaning forward to study changbin’s face

-“What look?” he asked confusedly

-“You never look this happy unless Felix is hugging you or you finished a particularly diss full track towards your professors or the government hyung” jeongin answered innocently, nestling further into Chan’s arms

-Felix looked particularly smug at this fact, but he too wanted to know what caused his hyung to go AWOL for hours

-“I,,,, met an old friend and we were catching up and lost track of time” Changbin shrugged

-“Hyung…. You never look this happy when meeting old friends? They must be special to you” Felix said, studying Changbin’s face closely and he was surprised to see his ears reddening slightly

-“Um,,,, you could say that we were best friends when we were kids”

-“hmmmmm”

-“……….”

-Suddenly Seungmin’s face cracked into a huge smile, piecing the puzzle together

-“Changbin hyung,,,, is the same best friend that, when drunk last year, told me that you were angry that they left you alone at school when they moved away”

-“………..”

-“The one you had a crush on?”

-“O K A Y PUNK LISTEN HERE-“

-Whatever Changbin was going to say,,, we will never know as Woojin threw a hand over changbin’s mouth before he could cuss out seungmin who was sat there smugly

-Changbin sighed against Woojin’s hand and slumped back

-Woojin released his hand warily, signalling for Changbin to explain

-“Yes this is that friend, their name is Y/N”

-The boys all smiled, knowing that you meant a lot to changbin and had been the subject of many of Changbin’s songs

-ANYWAY

-You and changbin quickly rekindled the flames of your friendship extremely quickly despite college starting, you always managed to find time to meet up

-Heck, you even found yourself joining him in the recording studio some nights helping Changbin with lyrics or just giving him some company

-The boys had taken an immense liking to you and quickly adopted you as the 10th member of their squad

-You were even a priority member of the underground club 3RACHA frequented at, much to the chagrin of the many fangirls who had been on the guestlist since last year

-Perks of being childhood friends with one of the members

-It’s here where you see Changbin in his true element

-You saw all his passion and rawness for the issues he spoke up for present themselves in such a beautiful and hard hitting way

-You couldn’t help but cry at one of the tracks he performed with Jisung about the effect bullying could have on students in school

-Changbin pulled you into a hug after the performance had ended, apologising for making you cry during the gig (the other boys began waggling their eyebrows at him suggestively and he had to physically restrain himself from throwing cusses at them, choosing to glare at them whilst hugging you)

-Over the next few weeks you couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment you began to look at Changbin differently than you did

-Sure,,, as a kid you admit you did have a crush on him but then don’t most kids crush on their best friends?

-But this,,, was more than a sweet puppy love

-You began to notice the little things at first, the way his eyes would widen when he had a spark of inspiration, the way his eyebrows would furrow when he tried to study for business and then the bigger things began to form with how he always had an arm slung around your shoulders when you walked across campus or when you had a bad day he would turn up at your dorm with hugs and a carton of strawberry milk

-You fell in love with him naturally, like it was almost fate

-Little did you know, Changbin too felt this way as well

-He noticed everything you did, how you fiddled with your sleeves when you were nervous about something, the way your eyes crinkled as you laughed at a story Felix was telling you or the way you clung to him when you watched a horror film with the boys at Jisung and Jeongin’s dorm

-He began to write songs about you, and decided that this was the only way he could confess confidently

-Every moment he spent with you he wouldn’t exchange it for the world

-Besides, the whole campus seemed to think you were dating anyway

-It was the end of first semester and 3RACHA were holding another gig to celebrate and naturally you had to go hype up your best friend and celebrate your psych essays being over

-Unbeknownst to you, Changbin was going to perform the song he had written for you that night in a hope that you would understand how he felt about you

-As the lights came up, you couldn’t help but be in awe at how beautiful Changbin was in that moment

-As the gig progressed, both Chan and Jisung had performed solo tracks and you knew that Changbin had to be performing one as well

-Just then, a spotlight appeared and your attention was captured immediately as Changbin began to rap about a close friend and how they changed his entire life for the better

-You frowned slightly, trying to figure out who it was

-Felix maybe? He does like Felix a lot

-Towards the end of the song the lyrics seemed familiar and you realised,,, it was the lyrics you had helped with all those weeks ago

-Your eyes widened as they met Changbin’s dark eyes, and moved closer to you table much to the delight of the boys

-As the song reached the end, Changbin was stood in front of you and reached out to cup your face gently

-You leaned into his touch, looking up at him with hooded eyes

-Without much prompt, Changbin leaned down and kissed you gently causing everyone in the room to holler and wolf whistle

-You break apart from him, a grin spreading across your lips and the thought of Changbin’s lips on yours as he goes to finish the rest of the gig

-DATING CHANGBIN:

-After that day, you and changbin became an official item much to the surprise of practically everyone on campus who thought you were dating already ooops

-Dude least we can stop hearing you pine about how perfect Y/N is

-Oh that’s what you think,,,, now I can torture you about how much I freaking love them

-hyUNG NO PLEASE NO

-Dating Changbin was very much just being best friends, with more skinship

-Bc Changbin LOVED skinship

-He always had an arm around your shoulder or holding your hand as you walked anyway and when you were talking to people he always had you in a back hug,,, which made it uncomfortable for the other person at times esp if they didn’t know changbin

-I mean he looked scary and you were completely unfazed that he was hugging you as you were chatting about some psychology case study you were both studying for Prof Kim’s class

-nOT that Changbin was a jealous or possessive boyfriend, as some were inclined to think, he just a RBF and liked to hug you whenever you were together

-You certainly didn’t have a problem with it, leaning into his touch whenever his arms were around you

-Though he did get a little jealous sometimes when people at bars tried to flirt with you even when he was RIGHT THERE and had his arm around your waist

-He was just more frustrated at the fact the other person couldn’t get a hint so 9 times out 10 he ended up pulling you in for a kiss before pulling away to smile smugly at the other person

-They soon got the hint and stopped trying to hit on you

-You just laughed, leaning in him to kiss again before dragging him home before he got jealous again

-You woke up the next day with Changbin tracing his fingers lightly against your hips and thighs, making random patterns whilst softly smiling at you

-This was your favourite way to wake up tbh, like it was so soft and so utterly intimate that you craved his touch even more

-When the two of you turned up late to a meeting with the boys they just shook their heads at changbin’s messy hair and your slightly swollen lips

-Most of your guys day was spent in the recording studio or music practice room as changbin was writing songs or practice for an upcoming performance for his course, you were there with your psychology textbooks feet in his lap if he was sat at the mixing desk or sat on the floor in the practice room

-The two of you spent hours there, working in relative silence just happy to be in each others presence as you prepared for your upcoming projects and stuff

-Sometimes you helped him with his lyrics if he was struggling with wording a certain phrase or he wanted your opinion on a particular beat

-You also helped him revise for business, which you knew he hated but you wanted him to do well so sometimes you had to bribe him

-Changbin for every right answer ill give you a kiss

-roGER THAT

-The helping out was mutual as changbin too assisted you when you needed

-He could often be seen in the library or campus café holding your flashcards and notes, quizzing you about psychology case studies and terminology for your upcoming exams

-Changbin also liked to reward you with kisses every time you got an answer right,,,, though sometimes he was feeling childish and purposely said that you got an answer right when u hadn’t just so he could kiss you more lmao

-Changbin you know you don’t need a reason to kiss me…. You’re literally my boyfriend??

-Yeah but reward kisses are good!!!

-Not when you purposely lie to me so you can get kisses!

-How did you know I was lying?????

-Babe,,, I’m literally a psychology student I KNOW when you lie. And we’ve been friends since middle school so I’ve seen you lie for a good long while. Also,,,, I purposely got this answer wrong to see what you did lmao

-BABE WHAT THE HECK WHY???

-You’re too cute sometimes

-ANYWAY

-You and Changbin are the type of couple to wear couple clothes without realising it

-Like,,,, you would both be wearing oversized black hoodies and black beanies when you go for bbq with the boys one day and Felix was like,,,,, u planned this and ur both like ???? planned what????

-Speaking of hoodies,,, and clothes in general

-Changbin leaves his stuff at yours a lot in the hopes that you wear it one day,,, esp his shirts and hoodies bc he is that kind of boy that loves this kind of stuff then gets all blushy when you do

-Like when you turned up to a date one day wearing his favourite hoodie he MELTED at how cute you looked

-For your 6th month anniversary,,, you decided to get official couple stuff but like,,,, u didn’t want a ring

-You settled on getting a couple earring,,, which was adorable and Felix literally screamed when he saw you both wearing it one day

-Also,,,, at first you didn’t know that Changbin liked to draw until you find his sketches on the desk in his room where he hastily put them last night after drawing club

-You were looking through them when he turned up with a bag of takeout and he began to blush

-BABE these are really good!?!”$”

-They’re really not though!!

-Yes they are wow what can’t you do

-Business studies

-Oh you’re right there

-He told you that night that he wanted to be a tattoo artist if the music career didn’t work out and you clapped your hands in glee

-I mean you always wanted a tattoo so what better way than get your boyfriend to design one for you

-He protested this at first, claiming he wasn’t a great artist that warranted you to have something of him tattooed permanently to your body

-You, however, managed to convince him to design something small that you BOTH could get

-Screw couple rings, you guys went straight for the couple tattoo ;)

-Safe to say when the boys found out they all screamed, Felix sobbed in the corner whilst woochan hugged each other claiming that their kids grow up so fast

-When you finally got them done you couldn’t help but run your fingers over it every day,,, and your fingers always found themselves finding Changbin’s and running your fingers over it softly

-Ugh it was so soft and Hyunjin’s eyes rolled whenever he saw the two of you laying on the sofa hands running over each others tattoos and kissing each other softly

-Baso,,, u and changbin were just best friends who fell in love

-Slowly,, then all at once

-And you wouldn’t change it for the world

again,,, thank you for giving this series so much love it means the world to us!!!

[hariboowrites]

IW coda (2/2)

PART 1

SUMMARY: THOR AND JANE FOCUSED CODA TO IW bc i am who i am

She pops out on the ashes of a battlefield and realises her mistake.

“Halt!” She hears and wince. No, now she realises her mistake.

“Fuck,” Jane mutters, spinning in place, her hands up, as she comes face to face with Wakandan soldiers. They’re all pointing their spears at her and Jane yelps. “Sorry! I’m human! I’m— I’m Dr. Jane Foster. Your princess invited me here?”

The soldiers raise their eyebrows, unbelieving, and Jane can’t fault them. She only met Princess Shuri once at one of Jane’s lectures in Brussels not long after Wakanda opened itself to the world. She had handed Jane a very cool touch screen business card that Jane had tried to reverse engineer for about a month. She hadn’t manage.

I should have called first, Jane thinks, but the words that come out of her mouth are: “I have this!” And she digs into one of her jacket pockets and pulls out the card in question. Swiping her fingers across the screen, an image emerges from it with Princess Shuri’s face.

“Dr. Foster, I’d love to speak more with you about your Foster Theory. Please feel free to get in contact with me when your schedule allows. The details will be on the card. Bye!”

They look at each other, sigh, and lowered their spears.

Jane grins.

And this is why she never empties her pockets, Darcy.

-

In front of them the remaining ruling body of Wakanda are holding court with Rogers and Colonel Rhodes. Rhodes has just taken a call with Queen Regent Romanda and the remaining world council. Less than half of them remain; General Ross is gone. Thor watched as Bruce twisted his fingers together and mouthed a name. His hands fisted on his trousers. Natasha’s eyes flicked towards him. The name had not been Natasha’s. Thor knows little about what was happening between them as when he was last on Midgard he had been splitting his time between New York and where Jane was.

Jane…

Her memory burns deeply in him. Her home based had moved from London to Edinburgh not long after Convergence, but institutions around the world were constantly calling her to work with them. It had been an interesting way to see the world. The thought brings a sharp ache in his heart. When he left they had been on tense but good terms despite what he implied to Loki, but he lost Jane too. Maybe more fully than he ever allowed himself to think. She could be gone now, like half the world, like half the universe, and every time he let his thoughts stray that way, he has to stop himself.

As Her Majesty and Rhodes continue their meeting with various world leaders, Queen Romanda offers Wakanda’s assistance. Her son was King until an hour ago, as he’s come to understand, and now she stands, straight backed, eyes wise, and heart most certainly broken. Thor tries not think of his mother, tries not think of how she looked after Loki’s first death. He thinks about he’s selfishly glad she did not have to live through his following two and Father’s. Or how she would have felt about Hela’s return. He can’t think on that, not now, not when Thanos lives and half the universe is gone. M’baku stands next to the Queen as she and Rhodes coordinate to bring Midgard back into balance. Families are gone, friends are gone, but so are many world leader and their governing bodies. In the aftermath, shock will reign, but once things settle down… good people have remained, but so have greedy and cruel people. Thanos did not better the universe, he only created instability in an already finely balanced scale. He did not understand. Thor only understands now as he watches the ashes fall.

Soon, he leaves the meeting room with Rogers, Romanoff, Banner, Rocket, Princess Shuri, and her guard. They follow the Princess, her eyes still red rimmed and pulling at Thor’s heartstrings, to her lab.  Rocket clambers up Thor’s cape and settles quiet on his shoulder. Thor allows him. No father should lose his son. Once they reach the lab, he jumps down and curls up by a window. The Wakandans look at the talking racoon with wide eyes, but easy acceptance. The world they lived in now was not one were you could dismissed an ally, strange, small, and angry as they might be.

Rogers and Romanoff stand near each other. Okoye does not move more than five feet from the princess’ side. Banner hovers and paces across the room. At one point Natasha’s phone beeped and she looked down to it before moving to talk to Okoye about something.

So even now, in a room with allies and friends, Thor feels so completely alone. Useless in a way he never has before. Strombreaker pulses differently in his hand than Mljonir did. It harnesses his power differently, requires more from him. He guesses it’s a good thing that in the last fortnight his powers have been raging high within him.

Speaking off, he feels them now. Bubbling under his fingertips. He clenches his hand, fingernails biting into his skin. Thinking of home and Loki and Jane has not done any good to his temperament. He tries to think of Krog and Valkyrie and the remaining Asgardians who made it off the ship. He hopes they’ve found safe harbour. He hopes that with Asgard already gone, it’s population already halved by Thanos, the universe was kind to them and spared them all. Asgard indeed lives in the heart of its people, but if there are no people to keep its beat alive the Asgard is truly gone. The thought makes him hate Thanos more than he thought possible, it makes him hate Hela who if not for all the secrets in his family he may have loved. Something dark and bitter in him thinks they would have been well suited to each other. Goddess of Death and the warlord who courted it.

“Thor? Thor?”

Snapping back to the present, Thor turns. Rogers looks at him with kind, understanding eyes. Thor straightens. The captain’s empathy always shines clear in this eyes.  “I am sorry, my mind drifted away from me.”

He nods, “It’s okay. We were just wondering… can you get us to Thanos?”

Thor considers this. He lifts Strombreaker. “I do not have Heimdall’s power of Sight across the universe. I cannot find someone who is where I don’t know, but I can get us off planet should we need to.”

Banner makes his turn around the room. “We have to find Tony too… I mean, if he’s—“

“We’ll find him,” Rogers says. Thor wishes he could sound as confident as him. Everything in him is struggling to keep it together. “And then we’ll find Thanos—“ The name sparks new anger in him, his fingers light up.

Everyone looks at him. Rocket lifts his head for the first time in a while. “You okay, big guy?”

Thor nods. He is not, but he has to be.

He has to be.

“You sure—“

His fingers spark.

Natasha gets cut off as a pair of guards enter the room.

“Okoye, Princess, there is a woman who—“

“Thor!”

Jane’s voice rings out and everything inside him stops. His focus narrows on her and her face as she turns the corner. She pushes past the guards that were flanking her and rushes across the room to him. He notes they go and stop her, and tenses, ready to intervene, but Okoye catches their eye and nods at them. They stand down.

It’s the most natural thing in the world to catch her in his arms and wrap his arms around her. His power immediately settles back into his skin at the feel of her weight under his hands. Jane’s arms are tight around his neck and he clutches her, her feet skimming off the ground. If she feels the remainder of the sparks in his fingers she says nothing; she’s familiar with the edges of his power anyway. He can feel the whisper of his name against his neck. How her body relaxes into his, her relief physical. His own body echoes it. The tightness in chest diminishes slightly. He buries his face in her hair for a second before pulling back to look into her eyes.

They are familiar and shining. He lifts one hand from her waist to wipe at the corner of her eyes.

“Jane,” he says. The first word in days that does not bring him pain.

Her fingers smooth through his hair. She closes her eyes for a beat. “You’re okay, you’re okay....” she mutters and looks into his eyes. “Your hair...” her eyes narrow and she touches his right eye and he knows she sees the difference in their colour. “Your...” He shakes his head. Not here, but now. She gives him a familiar sigh as her fingers skim his jaw. They’ll be talking about it later.

Jane leans back, her touch soft. He wants to lean into it further. He loosens his hold enough to let her touch the ground despite that everything in him wants to pull her in closer.

“Thor, what happened?” she asks, voice steady, but scared. “I was in Cape Town on the phone with Darcy when she... then other people around me— My mom didn’t answer the phone. Neither did Sif.” And while that surprises Thor, but there’s no time to dwell on his friend and the flash of pain in his heart when he remembers Heimdall’s sacrifice. “What happened?” Her voice breaks. “What happened?”

Thor hates he’s the one that has to tell her he failed, but she deserves to hear it from him.

“Thanos got the stones. We— I was too late,” he says. The name creating a new spark of pain in him. Jane looks at him and grabs his hand. She squeezes his fingers and slips them between her own. Thor grips her like a lifeline. He is surprised at how much her touch settles him still.

“It wasn’t your fault, Thor,” Rogers cuts in, reminding Thor they are not alone. Jane turns to face him. Steve smiles at her. “Hi, Jane.”

Thor takes a deep breath. Rogers is wrong, but it’s not the time for that. “Let us all talk,” he says instead.

Jane nods, shifting to stand at his side, as she looks across the room. As soon as she see Shuri, she blushes.

“I’m so sorry, Princess. I used this to get your guards to let me in,” and she pulls out a very small electronic card.

Princess Shuri smiles. “It’s alright, Dr. Foster. It is why I gave it to you. Though I thought you would call first, but under the circumstances I understand why you didn’t.”

Jane shrugs . “Yeah, sorry. It was rude, I know.” She turns to their friends. “Hi, guys.”

“I just got your message,” Romanoff says with a small smile. “A little more warning would have been nice. How did you get here so fast?”

“I’ll explain in a second. Hey, Bruce.” She reaches out to Banner, who steps up and gives her a slightly awkward hug since she’s still holding Thor’s hand. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

Banner grins; his first since Thor landed on Earth. “Hi, Jane. It’s good to see you, too.”

She snorts. “Understatement of the year. Catch me up?” She steps forward, tugging on Thor’s hand as she moves. Thor walks towards Princess Shuri with her. He doesn’t want to let go of her hand and thankfully Jane is not forcing the matter. As they fill Jane in on what’s happened in the last few days across the universe, Thor and Banner add in what happened on Sakaar and Asgard. Jane starts when he skims over what happened to Asgard and Heimdall and even Loki. She meets his eyes and while she says nothing he can see how her entire body sags, how her eyes mist, and she chokes back a sob at what she sees in his gaze. Her grip on his hand tightens and she presses her forehead to his bicep. He feels her lips brush his skin in silent comfort. They have too much to talk about. Banner, a good friend, better than Thor had thought a week ago, covers for them and quickly starts to explain what he knows of Stark, trapped somewhere in space. It gives Thor time to regroup before he adds in the facts of his journey these last few days. Rocket adds his own colourful commentary as Thor explains the creation of his axe. Jane to her credit only blinks at the talking raccoon.

“And is Eitri alright? Is Nidavellir still working?” she asks. He had almost forgotten he had taken there once to meet Eitri. How she had studied Nidavellir, how she wore a piece forged from there on her person, still. He can feel it against his palm.

Thor nods, catching the glint in Jane’s eye. “He does. Do you need his help?”

Jane hums. “Maybe later…” she says, pulling her bag closer to her. She turns to Rogers and Rhodes, who came into the room as they explained the situation to Jane, “So first thing first. You guys wanna find Tony, I mean, if he’s still—“

“Thor can get us into space,” starts Rogers. “His ham—his axe brought him here, didn’t it?”

“It did,” he affirms, quietly enjoying how Jane’s eyes light up at the fact. That she is still here, that her eyes still brighten at the science of Asgard, that her mind still looks for answers to reach the stars allows him to feel normal for the first time in days.

Turning to Rogers, he explains just how calling the Bifrost with his axe works. “But only if I know the location. It’s why I could get here. I do not have Heimdall’s power to look through the stars and locate a person in a place unknown. I require previous knowledge of the location. I cannot just call the Bifrost across the universe if I don’t know where I’m going even if I know who I’m looking for. Once I get closer to a location I can guide it better, but first I need to know the place I’m aiming for. But Jane, you can, can you not?”

Jane looks at him and bites her lip. The warm flare of affection and attraction at that familiar gesture makes Thor grin. He knows that look well. She can. He could kiss her. It surprises him how much he wants to right now.

“Not yet,” she says. Reaching in her pocket she pulls out a small device. “Tony helped me with some of the nanotech and the arc reactor, and I can now make the portals I used during Convergence to get around the planet. I didn’t want anyone to know I had the technology yet, it’s still mostly untested, and not as stable as I want it to be.” She swallows, her eyes flicking away from him. “I still get some vertigo if I go across the planet, but that’s what I was hoping Princess Shuri would help me with,” she says, turning to the princess. “Except now I think we might need to try to get a bit further than North America?”

At her words, Princess Shuri grins, her eyes (still a bit puffy form her earlier tears) crinkle from her smile. “Oh yes,” she moves across the room and holds her hands out for Jane’s device. Jane hands it over easily. “I think I can definitely help with that, Dr. Foster!” She pops the device under a Wakandan scanner and starts moving around her lab. Okoye gives a grateful look at Jane as she looks over her charge. Banner moves closer and eagerly listens to the princess explain Jane’s device and her idea to help boost Jane’s portals to span the universe. Rogers and Natasha walk over to Okoye and Thor knows they’re about to beginning planning what they’ll do next once the princess and Jane get the device to work. Thor knows he should go over to them, and he will, soon, but right now Jane is still by his side. She’s standing next him, her hand still in his, her eyes on the princess and her device, and soul intact.

Thor will move. He will plan with his friends, he will avenge his brother and the universe. They will fix this somehow, but for now, for this moment, Jane is here. He thinks about he told Rocket on the way to Nidavellir. What more do I have to lose? Glancing at Jane, he realises is not willing to find out. He did not know what he had still, but now he does.

She must feel him looking at her and glances up at him. “Hey, you okay?”

He nods, and it feels true. “Better now that you’re here.” He lifts their joined hands and kisses her fingers.

She laughs, reaching up to cup his jaw and raises herself up on her tiptoes. Her lips brush against his cheek. “Same, you know. I didn’t think I’d— I’m… I feel better when you’re around.” Grabbing her bag, she nods her head toward the corner of her lab. “By the way, I have something else to tell you. I might have gone to Norway a month ago when I saw some Bifrost readings there.”

Thor lifts his brow, curious. Jane hands the bag to him and he pauses at the weight in it. He looks at her and realises she’s been holding it with easy for some time. Her eyes meet him and she grins.

“Surprise,” she says, eyes bright and Thor feels hope again.

[thirstyfortom]

man i really hate 'RFA with a chubby girl', 'chubby girl does X, chubby girl does Y'. What is up with them? what s the difference between a chubby girl and a not-so-chubby girl..?? it s basically the same ?? srsly @all chubby girls you re beautiful nobody would treat u differently compared to a not so chubby girl bc guess what y'all are loved. WEARING A SEXY TIGHT DRESS?? ROCK THAT SHIT NO NEED TO FEEL INSECURE CUz u look GOOD AF!!! Plz trust yourselves a lil bit more! Ur amazing!!!

I generally write using ‘you’ as refering to MC so you the reader can picture yourself in that situation, is for you to relate, that’s also why I don’t put much physical appearance description for her, so you can fill with your own features. Even in that chubby MC scenario, all the descriptions of her body are made on her pov, it’s her insecurities only and nobody in RFA thinks she doesn’t look beautiful. And yeah, personally I don’t think there’s much of a difference between the beauty of a skinny girl from a chubby girl’s, but some people still feel insecure about their weight, and when they request scenarios for a chubby MC, it’s for them to relate. I’m sorry if the last promp bothered you, I just wanted to do something with a girl trying to risk herself on an outfit, backing away due to what she has heard about some outfits not fitting her figure, and having the support of her S.O. who already thinks she’s sexy independing on the outfit. We’re living times when these insecurities are starting to fade and people are realizing beauty has no size, but it’s still a journey and beauty standards are cruel, so a lot of people still struggle with self-image, and if some of them come to me requesting a scenario for them to see themselves, I think I can try to offer a brighter point of view, because yes, you are beautiful no matter what and RFA people will always think you’re hot, so if they do, you should think you’re hot too. Anyway, I understand what bothers you in these scenarios, I also don’t feel like writing they reacting to a chubby MC, which is why I prefered a more specific situation, and again, I’m sorry if it bothers you, my intention was just doing something cute for the person who requested it. And as you said yourself: Yes, girls, you are all beautiful and sexy and amazing, just give a big ‘fuck you’ to the beauty standards like the RFA people do. ;)

[apostatively]

I try not to post a lot about my personal life on here as with all social media, due to the little voice in the back of my head insisting that my life is way too boring and/or depressing to bother anyone with. But I really need to vent, so here it is. I feel like a total failure. The last year has been hell for us, and part of it is the monsters running this country who continue to suck any hope for the future out of me to the point where it's difficult to function day-to-day, and part of it is finances. Some terrible decisions were made, championed by me, to uproot us from Baltimore to Augusta, GA, which cost a few thousand dollars all told because the movers apparently took us for a ride and then didn't even log our move in such a way that the military would reimburse us for it as they should have, effectively losing us $4k. The job we moved for became disputed by another company and any hiring was frozen, leaving me unemployed for a few months: by the time I'd found multiple retail jobs to try to tide us over due to savings running dry, the contract was resolved, but the company said that "the customer" was no longer releasing/filling my job area in Augusta. On top of that, the Limited went under and I lost one of my retail jobs. I started interviewing and applying for other Intel jobs like crazy, knowing that a five-month hiatus from my very tech-driven and fast-moving career field wasn't something I could really afford. This was in February. We were reduced to a ramen noodle budget and I was donating plasma as often as I could to try to make ends meet, but it still wasn't enough. At this point we had already borrowed a lot of money from family and friends, which we have yet to find a way to pay back. You know the images of the food they cook in FFXV? I was starting to get legitimately resentful of that delicious-looking fictional food because what I could afford was ramen, and I was still gaining a ton of weight due to a combination of a cheap, high-sodium/fat/sugar diet, intense anxiety, and simply being too depressed to work out. In February I got what could have been a life-preserver for us, if not for the fact that the job came at the expense of my mental health. Since February I've been a 911 call-taker, which pays enough for us to barely make ends meet, and was still working at Teavana. Unfortunately, this job is the most legitimately terrifying thing I've ever done. It's like anxiety Russian-roulette: every time I answer a line it could be a sweet little old lady with a question about the noise ordinances in our town, or it could be a hysterical screeching person so loud I literally jump back in my chair, giving me no information and screaming abuse at me when I can't make responders appear for them within eight seconds. I hate it. I do it for us, but it's the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life. I hate working in a technical law-enforcement field, I hate having to fight so hard not to let this sour my view of humanity, I hate that the 12-hour overnight shift they've assigned me to has left me nocturnal on top of the anxiety-riddled sleeplessness I'm already struggling with, I hate the constant compulsion to eat a ton of crap that is just making me bigger and bigger, I hate that I can't seem to find anything better, and when they sent me for my mandatory week of (essentially) boot camp for this job back in June, I had to read transcripts of dozens of emergency services calls placed on 9/11 as the towers were coming down, and I had an outright breakdown, knowing with certainty that if I couldn't handle my own stress I wasn't going to be able to handle anyone else's under a similar emergency situation, and the knowledge that I had to get out or I was going to get someone killed has stuck with me. In the meantime, I have nothing in common with most of my coworkers: they're a loud, close-knit group of Southern women who have all grown up in this area, they pray before each shift (at a government job???!) and gladly pay $20 per pay period to the shift's fund for birthdays and bereavements. It's intimidating, and I'm slow to open up in a new work environment anyway, and I'm pretty sure they think I'm stuck up when I'm just trying to keep my head above water and have trouble reaching out to my own family, let alone coworkers. They've never gone out of their way to include me, and I feel completely isolated both by myself and them. In mid-July, after months of working my ass off to woo potential recruiters for companies in my area, the company that wanted to hire me for GA initially finally came forward with a solid offer for me, for a job for which we'd need to relocate back to Baltimore. They had me go through urinalysis, sign a metric ton of paperwork, basically commitment-implying things. I've never gotten this far in the hiring process with them before, and my recruiters were communicating with me fairly regularly. It seemed like there was finally an end in sight to this year from hell. I gave two weeks' notice at my jobs before being warned not to "just yet" by my recruiter - thanks for the timing there, bud. I explained the situation to the 911 administrator and he generously doubled the time I had left, allowing me to stay for a month instead of the two weeks I'd given. (The day after my "last day" at Teavana I heard that Starbucks is shutting us down, which hit me hard, because unlike 911 I related to and love my coworkers there, they're amazing people and this news was seriously distressing; I couldn't go crawling back there asking for an extension when they have enough problems without me.) My new last day at 911 is tomorrow's night shift, and I'm completely terrified, because new job has yet to give me a start date, a full month after starting the hiring process with me. I get paid on Friday but that may be the last full-sized paycheck I can expect, and it's mostly going to go to rent. I keep running our budget over and over in my head, trying to figure out how to make it stretch when the money stops coming in. I may have to start donating plasma again to the tune of about $60 a week, when the very experience of having a massive needle shoved in my arm draining stuff out of me is a horrific experience that makes me want to scream. Even if I can manage to pay all our bills until I can start getting paid from this new job - unlikely - I still have to figure out how to afford to live day-to-day until then, alone in Baltimore while Michelle is here *alone* until we can get paid and afford to move, and I'm hoping one of the few friends I have in Baltimore will let me crash on their couch until then bc we have no money for a cheap hotel or Airbnb room at this point, and it's not even worth the attempt to try to get a loan unless we feel like depressing some bank tellers pointlessly. There is literally no other financial place to turn. I check my email about fifty times a day hoping for an update and immediately getting disappointed when there is still nothing. I've gone through this cycle so many times with at least seven different companies this year but never so far along in the process: sometimes there will be a week where *everybody* wants to talk to you, they want their bosses to talk to you bc they're so impressed, they want to know about your experience and salary requirements and spend hours on the phone with you each day and you think they're really serious, that you finally might really get an offer....and then radio silence, for weeks, bare-minimum answers when you contact them, bc recruiters don't like to talk to you when they have all the information they need from you and have no positive updates to give. I've spiraled from this routine more times than I can count, and this is exactly what it feels like to me. What's taking so long? Is there a problem? Can I be doing something else on my end? (How can I make you see how crazy this is making me without looking unprofessional?!?!?) This feeling of hopelessness and rejection is crushing me. Between this, the chaotic evil bodies at work in our government, and nearly a year of intense depression, I'm barely functioning. I have no motivation to do anything, I'm just eating and breathing for news on this job that could finally, finally save us/me. On top of my already-nocturnal schedule, I keep going days without sleeping and then doing nothing *but* sleeping for days. Our pantry is full of ramen again bc I'm rationing for the worst. I don't know what to do, and I can't go on like this for long. I just literally have no idea what I'm supposed to do. How to I outlast this? How do I save us? I've given up on staying strong or healthy; I'm just trying to stay mobile and functional, because that's what I'm good for. But it's been so long, and I have no idea how when nothing is in my control anymore.

[mxlfoydraco]

Hi Serra, I saw you did an amazing diet on your TW and I really wanna know what you did for stop the anxiety of eating ? like time that you don't need to eat bur your mind is just on the food and you can't stop, uggh, I really wanna lose some waight but I can't bc of that shit that fucks me up every fucking time.

Trigger warnings for discussions of eating disorders down below!

I don’t think i’ve ever talked about it here, but my weight loss wasn’t just a change of diet. I’ll explain in a minute. I’ve always had problem with food in general (still do), and it started as a way of coping for me. I was binge eating to deal with depression and anxiety, but instead of making me feel better it made me even more miserable because i felt so guilty but i couldn’t stop. I started seeing my current therapist and receiving cognitive behavioral therapy when i was 17, which aims to identify dysfunctional/irrational thought patterns and restructure them into healthier ones. It has helped me immensely, not just with my symptoms but also with my unhealthy eating habits as well. The form of CBT i’ve attended was multifocused, but i know it can be used for weight loss alone as well. A couple of months after i’ve started, i’ve heard of a family friend who’s had a weight loss surgery and after giving it some thought i’ve decided to get a consultation. I had my surgery (sleeve gastrectomy) when i was 18, and though it’s helped speed the process up i don’t think i could’ve achieve this much if i didn’t keep paying attention to my eating habits. Obviously, surgery is a big decision and even though i regard it as one of the best decisions i’ve ever made, it’s not something i’d recommend easily. It’s not for everyone, i’ve had my reasons (mostly health) and did a serious amount of research before making my decision. Though i’m eating much healthier right now, i still have my issues with food. I can say, in a way my problems reversed? I’m still going to CBT, even if less regular, and i’m still working on being healthy and not demonizing certain types of food. This is a very personal process, and the best i can offer is some sort of counseling to work on your anxiety/thoughts regarding eating/food. It’s more than okay to need some help, and ultimately getting it can be the best decision for you. You don’t have to lose weight, but if you want to there are ways that can be helpful in the process.I’ve tried, and keep trying, to not let my body image be a determinant of my self-worth, and always reminded myself that my health should be priority, not fitting into the standards of others. It’s not an easy thing to internalize, it requires conscious and consistent effort and i still struggle sometimes, but it’s what helps me keep my balance and be kind to myself/body. Again, i’m just talking about my experience, and not telling anyone to get life altering operations. I know some people are averse to WLS, and i know not everyone has to/wants to lose weight, and those are okay. These are just my personal experience and thoughts.

[gardenstateofmind]

@wanderingwistlessness yeah well that's the thing, body shaming affects absolutely every type of person, fat shaming is just a very specific targeted kind of body shaming. but you could be completely conventionally attractive and still have have body image issues, and that's totally valid. bc our capitalist hell society runs on making us feel inferior so we can buy material goods to try to feel better. the diet and fashion industries generate insane amounts of money i just specifically focus on fat shaming bc it's like what people try to justify the most. u can see people be totally great abt body stuff but then they'll say shit like "but we can't glorify obesity that's so dangerous, you need to lose weight, im only saying this bc i care about your health" which is bullshit. i dont doubt that some people genuinely think they just care abt the health aspect, but that view is rooted seeing fat=bad bc of my mental illness i have a very difficult time eating regularly and have almost no appetite; eating is a genuine struggle for me. but my body is naturally built heavy, even when i was eating probably under 1000 calories a day, i was still 150 lbs on a 5'3 frame which bmi considers "overweight" lmfao. and one time when a doctor was prescribing me a medication, she said "this can cause a decrease in appetite, so if you want to go on a diet, this could be a great starting point" and i was like "Thanks Elizabeth but considering i have a literal eating disorder and barely get in one meal a day, id rather not have even less desire to eat" leave my 200lb body olone and deadass one of the major reasons im scared to start testosterone is bc it changes your weight distribution. right now im "curvy" the majority of my fat is concentrated in butt+thighs and then my bust, shoulders, and arms are very built, which leaves me with a comparatively small waist (rn i think im 36 inches at my waist but i used to be 28) and honestly that's why i dont face as much fat shaming, bc im still conventionally attractive. when i present feminine i sort of fit into the whole sexy curvy latina stereotype. and im scared to not be conventionally attractive. i hate it, i hate so much that i care, but i do. and i actually really enjoy exercising but my chronic respiratory issues mean that i can barely breathe staying still, when i physically exert myself i almost pass out from lack of oxygen+high heart rate. im trying to get a healthier diet first and hopefully that'll give me a necessary boost in health so i can have better endurance.

[laikenrichelle]

Lately I've really been struggling with my own body image and with food in general. I was often feeling quite good in the beginning of January, but now I feel like I've made steps backwards. I don't know if I'm eating "too much", although I am always honouring those hunger cues because I've learnt that ignoring them isn't healthy and I will not fall back into that again, but I can't help but wonder if that maybe there is something wrong with me.. Why do I eat, what seems like so much more, then other people? I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I'm not overly active, yet I still have a solid appetite and am having weight issues, so it just leaves me wondering. I'm just feeling a little lost and a little down with myself and I wish all the negative thoughts I am having towards food and myself would stop. I'm so sick of worrying about weight gain and what I'm eating and how much and I don't know how to make it stop.. or if it ever will stop for that matter? Like, will I ever experience a day where I don't associate exercise as something I need to do to lose weight or a day where I don't worry about how much or what I'm eating or about how my body looks?? I know that what I look like doesn't change who I am as a person, but it's still so hard for me to grasp that what looks at me in the mirror is me as it's not what I have ever been in my 24 years. But then again, I'm not going to, or supposed to look like what I did when I was 18. Anyway, I don't know what this was. But I just wanted to vent my thoughts.. and I don't want to pretend like I'm fully "recovered" (I don't like to use the word recovered bc I didn't get diagnosed with an ed?! But it's the only word I can use to describe it I guess..), but I am always trying. I take days off from the gym, I eat food when I'm hungry, and I'll get double guac on my burrito if I want it, no matter how much "fat" that is. I guess I'm just struggling with keeping my mentallity towards food and exercise healthy as well as keeping my external body healthy (not that I'm obese, but I just have a bit of extra fat that I don't think is entirely necessary) Thanks for reading. Soz for the non-positiveness/happy vibes ✨