#i wanna buy things without stressing if it's necessary. especially when it comes to food!

[bluesylveon2]

My My, I Could Never Let You Go

Summary: Sasha Zoe just wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. There is only one problem: she doesn't know who her dad is! Sasha invites 3 men in hopes of finding out which one is her father. What could possibly go wrong?

Pairings: Levi x Hange, Sasha x Niccolo, and other background relationships

Disclaimer: This is a Levihan Mamma Mia au. This fanfic is inspired by Mamma Mia which is directed by Phyllida Loyd, written by Catherine Johnson, and uses music from the pop group ABBA. Attack on Titan is a manga/anime series written by Hajime Isayama and published by Kondasha

A/N: Sorry for the wait! I had many tests and essays within the past two weeks. One of them sounds like a tragic fanfic backstory (Sorry Armin. He was in it lol)

Need to catch up? Catch up here!

Ch 6: Our Last Summer

After Hange leaves the goat house 

Sasha and her friends waited a few minutes after Hange left to make sure the coast was clear. She gave her friends the signal to get out of their hiding spots after a few minutes had passed.

"Was the 'throwing me in a barrel' really necessary, Annie?," Hanami complained as she rubbed her sore head. 

"You were taking too long getting in the barrel, and I didn't want us to get caught by Hange. Sorry about that," Annie replied cooly and got out of the barrel. She turns around to help Hanami get out. 

"Well, at least it got the job done" Hitch jokes as she left her spot behind a crate with Mina. 

Historia laughs at her friend's conversation. She was lucky enough to hide alone. 

While this was going on, Mikasa was busy helping Sasha get out of the barrel and fixing everything in the barn to look normal. 

Sasha zoomed out of the barn to find her fathers as soon as Historia fixed the final piece back to where it belonged.

Everyone sweatdropped, especially Mikasa and Historia.

Looks like we're going running again after all

---

“Sasha! Wait!” Mina yells. Sasha was running like her life depended on it (which it did, in a way). She was tired and exhausted, but Sasha’s adrenaline was too high to stop running. Sasha didn’t know which exact pier her fathers were in, so she was determined to check every pier Kalokairi had. 

She couldn't stop thinking about how this happened. How was there a flaw in her plan? The plan was for her and her friends to wait until her fathers walked past them and jump them before her mom caught them. She didn't think far ahead of where to dispose of the bodies. Probably somewhere in Mike's yacht. Sasha also wanted to slap herself. They must have left through the window or through the hatch on the roof! No wonder they managed to leave without Sasha noticing!

Luckily for Sasha, it only took two piers to finally spot Mike's yacht. There was only one ship nearby and three male figures on it. Sasha had an 80% chance of being right, and it increased the closer she got. 

"Wait!" Sasha yells at the trio. She prayed it was her father's, or else she yelled at total strangers. She noticed how her father's changed their outfits to suit the hot weather. Erwin wore a long sleeve polo shirt rolled up to his elbows with the first button open and shorts. Mike kept the same shorts on but was shirtless to show off his muscles. Levi was also dressed similarly to Erwin, except he unbuttoned his shirt all the way to show off his abs. None of the men seemed to notice Sasha’s call. 

Sasha stopped running once there was no pier left to run on.

Fine, she thought in her head. I have no choice but to swim. Thank goodness for Hitch's beach day idea, or else she would’ve been doomed.

Sasha turned to her friends. It seems as if they read her mind based on the shocked looks on their faces. 

"If Niccolo or any of the guys asks about my whereabouts, give them a random location, but not the beach. Send them on a wild goose chase if you have to."

"But what about our plans for today?" Hitch exclaimed, referring to why everyone had their swimsuits on. 

Sasha took her clothes off, leaving her in only her swimsuit. She hands her clothes to the nearest person, Historia. "We'll move it to tomorrow!" She yells back and jumps into the water. Sasha starts swimming to the yacht. 

The girls could only watch with shock as their friend swam away. Historia, who got over her's first, clears her throat to get everyone's attention.

"C'mon girls. We got a job to do."

---

Levi was the first to hear Sasha swimming towards the yacht. 

"Oi! Sasha is heading over here!" He points out to Erwin and Mike to get their attention. Erwin and Mike look at where Levi was pointing and headed over to meet up with Sasha.

"Were gonna sail around the island. Wanna come? I could use more hands since I let my friend explore the island" Mike yells.

"I thought you weren't coming to my wedding?" Sasha yells back as she swims nears the yacht.

"Well, Four-Eyes wanted us to leave, so we decided to get out of her hair," Levi says with monotone. He, Erwin, and Mike kneel down to pick up Sasha from the water.

Huh, Sasha thought. Levi never used Four-Eyes in front of her before. That was news to her. She always hears everyone refer to her mom as Hange and never any nicknames.

(Levi only referred to Hange at first out of respect to Sasha. He is letting it slide more now that first impressions are over.)

"You're mom freaked out when she saw us? What was that about?" Erwin asked once Sasha was on the yacht. He hands her a towel to dry herself off. 

"No!" She replied hastily. "She's just not thinking straight! She's been so stressed about the wedding. Things like decorations, food-" 

Sasha stops rambling when Mike holds his hand out as a sign to tell her to slow down. She turned red out of embarrassment much to Mike's amusement. Sasha reminded Mike of Hange. Once Hange starts talking, she won’t stop even after the sunset. 

She clears her throat. "Sorry. What I meant to say was my mom would be so happy to see you all as her surprise tomorrow!"

"You think so?" Levi asks skeptically.

"Mhm" was all Sasha says and takes a look at her surroundings. She has been on sailboats a few times. Mostly to travel between the mainland and Kalokairi. She would go when she and her friends rented a boat to explore the island or party. Sasha looks at Mike’s yacht in awe. She wants to buy one day to explore different parts of Greece with her friends and Niccolo. As Sasha was amazed by what she saw, she noticed something that definitely didn’t belong in Erwin’s arms. 

"You took Mom's guitar."

Erwin stops tuning it to look up at Sasha. It was a simple classical guitar to Sasha’s eyes, but it held more meaning to Erwin.

“I didn’t steal it. I borrowed it. See-” He turns over the guitar to show Sasha there was more than what she originally thought. Engraved on the wood were the letters H.Z and E.S. “-Hange Zoe and Erwin Smith.” 

Sasha’s opened her mouth in shock. Meanwhile, Levi and Mike just glanced at each other. They didn’t expect that out of Erwin.

Erwin notices everyone’s faces and chuckles. “Contrary to popular belief, I actually know how to play the guitar,” he says as if he can read everyone’s minds. “I bought her this guitar here on the island actually. There was once a shop here, but it is long gone now. I know because I checked when I arrived.” he adds solemnly.

Sasha sits down next to Erwin as he started plucking the strings to see if it was tuned. He starts playing it once he was satisfied with the sound. Sasha, interested in listening, sat with her legs crossed and rested her left elbow on her left knee. Sasha’s head rested on her fist as Erwin played. 

Levi and Mike still stood nearby awkwardly watching the two. The two looked at each other with mutual understanding and left Erwin and Sasha to bond as they prepared the yacht to set sail. 

---

“So what was my mom like?” Sasha randomly asks. Her mom's diary only showed one side of her story. Hearing from her fathers introduces a new perspective. 

Erwin chuckles just thinking about Hange. “She’s a very happy and intelligent woman. Her smile was very contagious, and it can make anyone’s day.” 

Sasha smiles at Erwin’s words. “What is your fondest memory of her?” she asks out of curiosity.

Erwin ponders on Sasha’s question. There were a few minutes of silence before Erwin looks down at the guitar on his lap fondly.

---

"Can I open my eyes now?" Hange asks for the fifth time since they left her house. She was beginning to lose her patience, and she was too excited for the surprise. 

"Not yet." Erwin laughs at Hange’s excitement. 

“Is it a new book?” Hange guesses as she walks blindly to wherever Erwin was leading her.

“No” Erwin chuckles and continues leading Hange to who knows where. 

Hange can feel the surface shift under her sandals as she walked. She could tell Erwin was guiding her on the beach based on the unstable sand, the wind blowing on her sundress, and the sound of waves crashing the shore. Apparently, Erwin had a big surprise for her, and they only knew each other for 3 days! He gave Hange a cloth that morning and instructed her to tie it around her eyes. Of course, Erwin made sure to take off Hange’s glasses first and put them in his shirt pocket before proceeding with his plan. Erwin has been guiding Hange by the shoulders for a while now. Hange wonders what the surprise was.

Suddenly, Erwin stops moving, and Hange follows along. She feels Erwin’s hands moving to untie the cloth around his head. Hange flinched as the sunlight hit her eyes. She felt Erwin gently grab her hand and places her glasses on her palm. Hange puts her glasses back on and waits a bit for her eyes to adjust. 

"Surprise, Hange." She hears softly behind her and looks down. Hange starts tearing up. 

In front of her was a big blanket full of food, drinks, and neatly placed towels that looked like it was set up for a picnic. There was a brown classical guitar in the center. The same guitar Hange kept staring at for the past few days. She never bought it because she didn't know anyone who could teach her. 

Hange put her hands over her mouth in shock as her tears became more prominent now. 

Erwin smiles at Hange’s reaction. He takes one of her hands away from her mouth and guides her to sit down next to him. He picks up the guitar and sets it down on his lap.

"H-how did you know? Erwin, I'm truly grateful for this, for everything really, but…" Hange was too shocked to even talk. "I'm speechless."

"I work spontaneously.” Erwin jokes, “In reality, I asked a few people to help set this up. You know the couple who were selling the guitars?" 

Hange nods. She wasn’t getting over her shock just yet. 

“Well, their children helped me set this up for you. I've noticed you eyeing this guitar for quite some time now.” Erwin continues and gestures to everything laid out in front of her.

“Do you like it?" He asks although he knew the obvious answer based on Hange’s expression. 

“Like it? I love it! Thank you! Thank you!” Erwin quickly puts the guitar away before Hange could accidentally hits it as she jumped on him. She wraps her arms around his neck and rests her head on his shoulder. Erwin wraps his arms around Hange to hug her back.

“Thank you.” She says softly next to his ear. Erwin smiles “You’re welcome, Hange.” 

Hange pulls away from the hug to look at Erwin’s face, her arms still wrapped around his neck. Suddenly, she leaned forward and kissed Erwin on the lips. Erwin felt like he was dreaming and kisses Hange back. Oh my goodness, he is whipped for her! This was the first time they kissed since they had met. He wanted to thank God personally for giving him a chance with Hange.

Hange pulls away from the kiss to look at Erwin’s blue eyes that held love to the woman in front of him. Her eyes had the same emotion too. Both of them had goofy smiles on their faces. Her eyes wander over to the guitar laying next to Erwin. She gasps. “You know how to play? Can you teach me?”

Erwin smiles at Hange’s excitement. “Of course,” he said. Hange leans over to Erwin to pick up the guitar. She starts plucking random combinations of strings and going on about how he should’ve got it engraved. 

Their kiss was the pivotal point of their relationship. Erwin, for the first time since starting his career, felt relaxed being around Hange.

---

Sasha was grinning from ear to ear after hearing Erwin’s story. She thought it was cute after hearing how her mom reacted to receiving the guitar. She could recall the times her mom taught her how to play the exact guitar Erwin held in his lap. 

“I’m going to be honest with you Sasha.” Sasha perks up after Erwin spoke. He looks up at the sky and curves his upwards into a small smile. He turns to face Sasha with the same smile on his face. “I’m thankful for you inviting me here. Experiencing all of this-” He gestures to the space around them. “-makes me realize what I am missing out on in life. Thank you for that. You’re a good daughter, and I know you make Hange proud.” 

Sasha smiled back. She would never expect that from one of her potential fathers. Maybe it’s a sign? She prays her mom would be proud of her during her wedding day. The day her family will be reconnected again.

They continue talking and sharing a few stories until Mike walks up to the pair. He cleared his throat to get their attention. “Hey, Sasha. Do you mind sharing some sites around the island? You’re the most familiar one out of all with the island.”

Sasha nodded. “Sure.” She stands up to look around her surroundings. She wasn’t paying much attention to where the yacht was sailing through during Erwin’s story. 

She scanned her surroundings until she notices a familiar cliff she and her friends like to go cliff jumping on. Sasha points to the area and turns to Mike.

“I know a stop.”

---

“Is this safe?” Levi asks. Levi was thankful that Hange didn’t force him to engage in cliff jumping. The cliff itself was 20 feet. Levi watches as the waves crash onto the cliff below them. It seems as if his luck of cliff jumping ran out after meeting Sasha. She’s definitely Hange’s daughter.

Sasha gave Levi a big grin. “Of course! My friends and I used to jump off this very same cliff all the time!”

Erwin and Mike smirked.

“Of course it is, Levi. You just have to not think about it.” 

“I’ve jumped from higher cliffs before. This one isn’t that tall. Just like you. Shorty.”

Levi glared at Mike as if that would wipe the smirk off of Mike’s face. Mike was lucky he was not standing next to him. Sasha was trying hard not to laugh too much and risk loosening her grip with Erwin and Levi. 

“On the count of three!” Sasha started swinging her arms a bit. “One… Two... Three!” she yells and jumps off the cliff. The others following as they were jumping and falling at the same time as her.

Yep. She is definitely Hange’s daughter.

---

The group sailed around the island some more before taking a break near the coast. They were sitting under a tree and eating some food Gelgar had made before leaving the yacht to Mike. Sasha wore one of Mike’s shirts to keep her warm after swimming earlier.

“Who’s Gelgar?” Sasha interrupts Mike while eating her umpteenth sandwich within the fifteen minutes since the group started eating.

Mike swallows the food in his mouth before answering. “He’s a friend I met while traveling around Europe years ago. He’s also the one to watch over my yacht when I’m away. He mostly uses it to sail around the Mediterranean anyway. I trust him. I get the satisfaction of knowing my yacht is safe while I’m on the other side of the world. Gelgar has something he can use to visit other countries and drink the number of drinks he wants. It’s a win-win situation.”

Sasha nods in understanding. It seems like a fun idea to go travel around and see the world. She wants to do that one day. Oh, the number of foods she could eat! It made Sasha’s mouth water. 

Erwin chuckles at Sasha as she continues to eat more food. She’s like Hange, who is hungry for knowledge, except Sasha is actually hungry. 

The group starts sharing stories after they finish eating. This time it was Sasha’s turn to answer the questions.

“So what was your childhood like with Four-Eyes?” Levi asks. He leans forward a bit from where he sat.

Sasha was quiet for a bit to think. She was unsure where to start. She looks up to find everyone staring at her. The look of their eyes reassures her they didn’t want her to rush the story.

“Well, I lived alone here on the island with my mom until I was 2. My mom had hired her current assistant, Moblit, to help her around the hotel and babysit me when I was young. Remember the tunnel I lead you through to get to the goathouse?”

The men nod. 

“That was only one of the tunnels I would hide from Moblit and sneak food in as he searched for me.” Sasha laughs nervously and rubs the back of her head. “Moblit is a nice and reliable guy. I don’t know where my mom and I would be without him.”

Erwin and Mike smile. On the other hand, Levi was jealous of this Moblit guy. He got to see some of Sasha’s milestones growing up. It’s no secret to Levi’s family that Levi dreams of raising a family (with the right woman that he loves. Not someone who he is forced to love). He did a good job watching over Farlan and Isabel’s kids. Plus, his mother wanted her son to give her a grandchild someday. 

Erwin, as if reading Levi’s mind, spoke. “Is your mother dating Moblit?”

Sasha laughs out loud that she had to hold her stomach for support. “Definitely not!” she says as she wipes a tear from her eye. “Moblit is too concerned with mom hurting herself and fixes the hotel. Mom is too busy trying to keep the hotel afloat and raise me! Trust me, those two would put dating each other as the last thing on their minds.”

Sasha continues on and on about her childhood after she calmed down. She talks about how she met her current friends, how she used to run track, her first boyfriend, Hange’s shenanigans, her current friends, her love for food, and her fiance. 

Levi notices how she never brought up the archery medals.

"Sasha," Levi calls out to get her attention. Sasha turns to face Levi. "I noticed the archery medals in the attic. When did you start competing?"

Sasha facepalms. How could she forget something like that?! She places her hands on her lap. "My mom had mentioned it one day when I was 6, and I begged her to find someone to teach me. She managed to find someone on the mainland who gave me private lessons on the weekends. In fact-"

Sasha rolls up her sleeve on her right arm to show off her arms. The males noted Sasha's muscles. She's athletic after all. "-I was pretty much a natural at it. I picked it up really quickly, and I’m a talented hunter. I can even hit a target with my eyes closed!" She starts flexing her right arm and smirks. "I'm a tough person to mess with."

Erwin was impressed. It seems as if he judged Sasha a bit too soon. She was hungry to learn new skills such as archery. Meanwhile, Levi kept staring at Sasha and analyzing what she said. Her talent almost reminded Levi of himself. His Uncle Kenny used to train him with how to fight with a knife (Kuchel almost had a heart attack when she saw them practicing one day. Kenny claimed it was for self-defense.) Levi was a fast learner and is skilled with knives and guns. Levi shook his head to stop thinking about it. Maybe he's just looking too deep into this? Nevertheless, he kept the thought in the back of his mind.

Mike smiles at Sasha’s challenge. He raises up his right arm and starts flexing. "Me too Sasha. Me too." He says as he looks at Sasha’s eyes. They were challenging each other in a staring contest. 

Almost two minutes passed when Mike gave in and blinked. Sasha let a loud whoop and jumped up and down with glee. Erwin clapped for Sasha’s victory, while Levi awkwardly pats Mike's back for reassurance. He's not that much of an asshole.

"Ok ok. You win Sasha. Now, what do you want?" 

Sasha makes an L with her left hand and rests her chin on it. Her left arm was resting on her right arm that she placed across her stomach. She taps her foot as she was thinking.

"Hmmm, what about you tell me a story about you and my mom? Also your views of her."

Mike looks at Erwin and Levi expectedly. Levi shrugs, and only Erwin speaks up. "She asked me the same question before." His mouth opens in an o with realization. Looks like it's his turn to share his story.

"Well your mom is energetic and the most intelligent woman I've ever met. She contributed to my decision of becoming a travel writer."

---

“Everything is all set, Hange.” Mike adjusts his outfit to make himself look presentable to Hange. He wore a pair of jeans he rolled up, a T-shirt, and sandals. To him, he looked like nothing compared to Hange. She wore jean shorts, a flowy long-sleeve blouse that showed off her shoulders, and flip-flops. 

Hange was excited about her lesson with Mike. She had asked him if she can go sailing with Mike after their first night of stargazing. Hange was hoping to at least steer the wheel once. Mike walks up to Hange. She was steadily holding onto the wheel of the yacht. The afternoon sunlight gave Hange a glow around her figure. The wind was perfect for sailing.

Hange had a huge grin on her face. She couldn’t hide her excitement, and she was interested in learning about sailing and the mechanics behind it. Mike had promised to teach her about steer first before going into the complicated parts of sailing. Hange struck a pose when Mike stood next to her. He held something behind his back and out of Hange’s view. 

“How do I look? Do I look like a captain yet?” 

Mike laughs at Hange’s question. She looked far from a captain with her outfit.

“You don’t look the part but-” Mike moves his arms from behind his back to reveal the captain's hat he was hiding from Hange. He walks up to get closer to Hange and places the hat on her head. Mike smiles at Hange fondly once he was sure the hat was placed firmly on her head. 

“Now you do, captain,” he says with a suggestive tone in his voice. Hange snorts and lightly punches Mike on the shoulder. Mike laughs out loud at her reaction.

“Shut up, Mike! You still have to teach me how to steer before I can do anything else.”

Mike walks behind Hange and places his arms over hers. He lightly grasps Hange’s arms and positions them in the correct position on the wheel. Mike moves to place his body close behind Hange’s. He rests his head on her shoulder.

“Ok.” He says next to Hange’s left ear. She shivers a bit from Mike’s voice. “This is what you do.”

---

It was sunset by the time Hange’s sailing lesson ended. Mike instructed Hange how to turn and he had her do figure 8’s and circles near the sea. The two were now sitting on the deck and drinking some wine Mike had brought. They were sharing childhood stories as some music from the radio played in the background. Hange was still wearing the captain’s hat. 

“Wait so you were just born with that nose of yours? There was no accident, and no one in your family had one before?”

Mike shook his head. “Nope. I just had this ability since I could remember.”

Hange nods in understanding. She was curious about her smell now that she thought about it. She can recall the times she was busy in college or exploring the island to even bother taking a bath. Levi used to point it out and even forced her to take a bath once or twice during their time together. Thinking about him did make her heart hurt, but now she’s moved on. She doesn’t need him. 

“What do I smell like?”

“You can smell some musk and vanilla. I can smell it the first time we met. Sorry about that.” he says quickly. 

Hange waves him off and smiles. “Don't worry about it. I think it's really cool and unique! It must be a useful thing to have especially around food!”

Mike chuckles at Hange. “It’s a blessing and a curse.” He can smell delicious foods from around the world, but he can also smell horrible smells like trash. The two continued sharing stories until the song on the radio changed to one Hange was familiar with. She suddenly grabs Mike’s arm and stands up. “Dance with me, Mike!” Mike, who was falling for Hange every second, agrees.

They danced to the music around the yacht. The song was upbeat enough to dance the tango to. Occasionally, Mike would pick up or dip Hange around. This caused Hange to laugh from all the fun she was having. The two were obviously not professional dancers, but they were having fun. Hange was surprised by how well Mike could dance. She felt like a princess dancing with her prince under the stars. 

Mike dips Hange one more time as the final notes of the song play. He pulls her back up and keeps her close to his body. One arm was behind Hange’s back and the other held her head. Their eyes met and their heavy breaths fanned each other's faces. 

“That was...wow,” Hange says in between breaths. “You’re a really good dancer, Mike.”

“You too.” Mike continues staring into Hange’s eyes and Hange stares into his. It was as if there was an invisible force pulling them together as they leaned closer to each other. Mike moves his hand from behind Hange’s head and cups her cheek. He and Hange closed their eyes, and they kissed each other on the lips. 

At that moment, Mike knew there was no turning back. 

---

Sasha smiles after hearing Mike’s story. Maybe Mike is her father? Sasha has a talent for smelling meat from a mile away. 

Erwin checks his watch and stands up. “It looks like we’ve been here for quite some time. Shall we head out?” It was almost 5:30, and they’ve been out for over an hour now. 

Everyone nods and stands up to begin packing their things. Sasha made it her mission to speak to Levi next. 

---

Sasha manages to speak to Levi during the walk back to the yacht. Erwin and Mike were conversing up ahead, so it gave Sasha some private time with Levi. 

“Hey, Levi.” she starts and looks at Levi as they walk. Levi hums in response. “What did you think of my mom?” Sasha was expecting good things similar to Erwin and Mike. Sadly, Sasha doesn’t know Levi well enough to know how he speaks. Bluntly.

“She’s reckless, loud, annoying, and a bit crazy (that is an understatement from Levi). She even asked me to go with her to Kalokairi after five minutes of meeting her!” Sasha wanted to roll her eyes. Levi was also crazy for agreeing to go with her mother. What a hypocrite. (In Levi’s case, Sasha did not need to know why he said yes).

“Yet,” Levi's voice turns from irritated to gentle. Sasha was shocked by the sudden tone change. “She is an intriguing woman.” 

Sasha stops walking and stares at Levi with her mouth wide open. To her, he doesn’t look like a guy to think of her mother fondly like that. His stoic face doesn’t give Sasha much to work with. Levi notices Sasha stopped moving and turns to face her.

“Oi! Stop standing there or else you’ll get flies in your mouth!” he yells and Sasha snaps out of her shock. She runs back to Levi and they continue walking in silence. This time Levi looks at Sasha. 

“Do you want to hear one of my stories about Four-Eyes?” Right. Four-Eyes is a nickname Levi has for her mother. Sasha nods her head.

---

“Get back here, Four-Eyes!” Levi yells as he chased Hange across the beach. 

“You gotta catch me first, Levi darling!” she yells back and continues running away from Levi. 

Hange and Levi were hanging out at the beach on a sunny day. Levi laid down to rest his eyes for a few minutes while Hange was busy making sandcastles. Apparently, Levi slept long enough for Hange to bury him in the sand saved for his head. The worst part was when Hange decorated his body with whatever she could find and took a polaroid picture of Levi. Levi considers himself lucky to wake up to the flash. Hence the situation going on right now. 

Luckily for Levi, Hange accidentally tripped from running in the sand and fell. Levi pounces on Hange and pins her to the ground. He was determined to get that photo. They wrestle on the sand for a bit, but Hange was too stubborn to let go. 

"Stop it, Levi!" Hange laughs as Levi tickles her sides. She slaps her arms around in an attempt to get Levi to stop. 

"You did this to yourself, Shitty Glasses. I'm just returning the favor." Levi continues to tickle Hange. She began loosening her grip on the photo.

"You have such a way with nicknames, Levi. I feel honored!." Hange laughs.

Levi wanted to roll his eyes, but he was determined to get that photo back. Even if he has to change tactics.

Hange didn't see it coming. Levi stopped tickling Hange, grabbed the back of her head, and picked her head up to kiss him on the lips. Hange was too shocked to react.

Hange was still stunned after Levi pulled away. She didn't notice Levi grab the photo out of her hands. He pocketed it away from Hange’s reach.

Hange shakes her head and notices her now empty hands. "Hey, that was dirty!" She exclaims and attempts to search Levi to get the photo back. 

Levi tsks at her many failed attempts. "That wasn't dirty Four-Eyes." He gets off of Hange (much to her confusion) and extends an arm out to help her up. Hange takes Levi’s hand but was suddenly swept off her feet as he carried her bridal style. 

"What are you doing?" Hange squirms in Levi's arms. Levi doesn't loosen his hold on her and starts walking to the ocean.

Oh no, Hange thought. This must be payback from a few days ago.

"Look. I'm sorry Levi! What happened a few days ago was a joke!" She exclaims nervously and tries to free herself from Levi. To Levi, he thought all of Hange’s attempts were cute, but he continued walking anyway. 

Levi stops walking the moment the water hits his knees. Meanwhile, Hange continues to squirm in his arms despite having no progress. She stops when she notices Levi staring at her. He smirks. (That asshole)

"This, Hange, is playing dirty." Levi suddenly drops Hange into the water. She sits up quickly and coughs up some water. She was ready to drag Levi in for revenge but stopped when she heard an unfamiliar sound coming out of him. Levi was laughing! 

Levi laughed like there was no tomorrow. Hange could tell he enjoyed it by the way he wrapped his arms around his stomach. Well, he was laughing at her, but Hange never heard the man laugh since they first met! 

Hange smiles. She'll let Levi enjoy his fun for now.

---

The couple returned back to Hange's house to shower (and maybe a bit more but Sasha didn’t need to know that) after their rendezvous at the beach. They laid in bed together hours after coming back. The house was dark except for the moonlight spilling into Hange’s bedroom. Levi only wore shorts and was absentmindedly playing with Hange’s hair. On the other hand, Hange was wearing her underwear and one of Levi’s button-up shirts to bed except kept the buttons open. She was laying on Levi’s chest with content. It was quiet and peaceful. The only sounds they could hear were their own breaths. Hange could stay like this forever.

Levi was too busy playing with Hange’s hair to notice when Hange started humming to herself. The song didn't sound familiar to him at all, but it sparked his curiosity. 

"What are you humming?"

Hange looks up at Levi from her spot and rests her chin on his chest. She stares into his blue-grey eyes. "A song I used to listen to as a child. It's actually one of my favorites."

Levi continues to stare at Hange. "What is it called?"

Hange smiles. "” I Have a Dream” by ABBA. The tempo is a bit faster than this and more upbeat. I just slowed it down a little bit." 

"Can you sing it for me?"

"What?"

Levi rolls his eyes. "You heard me. I asked if you can sing for me." His face turned red from embarrassment and he looked away from Hange's gaze.

Hange squeals inside. She thought Levi was too cute. She sits up and places a hand on Levi’s cheek. Levi looks up at her with shock. 

"Of course." She leans forward to peck him on the lips. "I'll sing it for you."

Hange leans back and sits criss-cross on the bed while Levi sits up to get more comfortable. She takes a deep breath and starts to sing the first line.

“I have a dream. A song to sing”

Levi was amazed by Hange’s singing. He genuinely thought she was a talented singer, and she should sing to him more often. Heck, she sounds better than Isabel and Isabel is the best singer he knew. 

Levi smiles as Hange continues to sing. He felt as if he could relate to the song in a way. Meeting Hange and spending time with her has been like a dream. She was a dream come true for him. A dream Levi longs for without the responsibilities life throws at him. He felt free and didn't want to wake up. He was happy, content, and in love with the woman singing in front of him now.

---

Sasha smiles sadly after Levi finished his story. Levi spoke about her mother bluntly and with a stoic look on his face earlier. She noticed the light in his eyes, the hint of sadness in his voice, and he had a longing look in his eyes. She never got the chance to ask Levi anything else as they had already reached the yacht. Levi had walked ahead of Sasha and boarded the boat, leaving Sasha to not see the sad expression on his face. 

---

It was already almost 6 when Mike’s yacht set sail again. Mike was busy steering the yacht. Erwin was laying on a bed reading. Sasha was sneakily trying to find a way to speak to Levi after their last conversation. She stood a good distance away from Levi and (tries to) subtly look at him. 

Levi was sitting at the front of the yacht, looking out into the distance deep in thought. Sasha noticed from afar but was too nervous to approach him. She wanted to talk to him more about her mother. Sasha lightly slaps herself on the cheek. Get it together! You already talked to him before, with others around, you can do it again! Sasha looks around the boat to see if anyone noticed her pep talk before walking up to Levi with confidence. 

She was just two feet away from him when he spoke. His gaze was still looking out at the sea. “You know, you’re not exactly subtle when you slap yourself like that. I’m not that much of an intimidating guy to talk to.” Levi turns to Sasha with a small, yet subtle smirk on his face.

Sasha felt all of her confidence go down the drain, and nerves got to her again. She took a deep breath before asking a question that's been haunting her since she read her mom’s diary.

"Did you really love my mom? After you met her, I mean."

It was a simple question, but it took Levi aback. He didn't expect that from Sasha. Maybe she asked Erwin and Mike a similar question?

"I did." That was all Levi says cryptically.

Sasha raises an eyebrow and waits for Levi to expand on his answer. When he didn’t, she decided to lead the conversation.

"So why did you leave and never come back?"

Sasha notes the shock that passed Levi’s eyes. It seems to her that he thought about the question before. Levi took some time to recover from his shock but remained quiet. Why did he not come back? Would Hange really forgive him if he came back days after leaving and begging her for forgiveness? He looks up at the other men on the boat and frowns. 

Probably not. She had Erwin, Mike, and now this Moblit guy who was basically living his dream. That asshole. Levi looks at Sasha expecting annoyance from his silence. He was met with the opposite instead. Levi could see the curiosity in her eyes as she waited patiently for his answer. He was nervous to reveal his reasons.

"I didn’t come back because I-" He stops because of his nerves getting to him. He takes a deep breath. Sasha was waiting with anticipation. "I didn't come back because-"

 "SASHA!!!!" Levi was interrupted by someone yelling from the beach nearby. The man was tall, had wavy blonde hair, and was shirtless. He looked over at Sasha questioningly. “You know the guy?” he asks and uses his thumb to point at the man.

Sasha wanted to facepalm herself. Of all the times! Right before the juicy part too! Niccolo is going to suspect something is up if she does not hurry!

“Yeah. That’s my fiancee calling for me.” She laughs nervously and takes off Mike’s shirt to hand to Levi. Mike and Erwin gather around her confused about the man calling for her.

“I am so sorry, but I have to go. You will be at my wedding right?” Sasha asks hurriedly. She starts running towards the edge of the boat so she could jump in the sea. She could still hear Niccolo calling for her.

“Absolutely.” Mike pats Sasha's arm.

“We’ll be there.” Erwin smiles.

“Promise.” Levi nods his head.

They watch as Sasha swam away from them and towards the shore.

Mike put his hands on Erwin and Levi’s shoulders.

“Let’s head back to shore. I don’t want Gelgar to come back with a hangover before we explore the island some more.

---

Sasha runs into Niccolo’s open arms. He hugged her tightly and spins her around on the sand. “Where have you been, Sasha? I’ve been looking all over for you all day.”

Sasha lets go of Niccolo as he sets her down and rubs the back of her head nervously. “I’m so sorry Niccolo. I’ve just been all over the island.” She laughs and reminisces about her father-daughter bonding time. Today has been nothing but wonderful.

Niccolo didn't want to ruin Sasha's happiness, but who was Sasha with earlier?

©: This is where I insert all rights reserved stuff. This story belongs to me. Do not modify or republish

Author’s Note:

I just realized that I want to write in present tense and I wrote in past tense before. Oops lol.

The next chapter should be out on Sunday! The infamous “Lay All Your Love on Me” scene! I’m excited 😁

[cortanaaq]

A/N: This came in later than I expected,it’s really long but I hope you enjoy it.

This is for the anon who requested nct or tbz spending Halloween with you. So I did nct 127 ;’) sorry for waiting 

**also thanks to @365nct, i used one of their incorrect quotes for the jaehyun one haha hope they don’t mind

  NCT 127 – Spending Halloween with you

 Taeil

-He was not really used to celebrating Halloween if it wasn’t for the SM Halloween party

-So this year you got him unprepared

-but he doesn’t mind celebrating as long as it is with you

-he came with the idea to have a couple costume and that was ,,,,

-yup you guessed it

-Beauty and the Beast

-but this time he was the beast and you ofc,the beauty

-because he can’t repeat the incident from 2017 where he was dragged to dress up as Belle and winwin was the beast- anyways

-he glares at you every time you bring it up lol

-this time he pulled the uno reverse card tho

-because he definitely treats you like a prince/princess all the time,he went shopping for costumes with you

-he bought everything you wished for,even the crazy unnecessary decorations like a stupid flying skeleton or a witch dressed as a hooker

-like what even is that?? He wondered but laughed when you gave him puppy eyes

-“it’s funny tho,it would look good at the entrance “

-he snorted

-obvs taeil couldn’t resist those eyes and the pouty lips that he kissed in the end

-spends the whole night eating the candies you’ve got

-he likes to take a loooot of selfies so be ready to be bombarded with funny filters

-after you both get tired of all the dress up thingy,you too decided to watch a horror movie

-classic but he knows what he’s doing

-whenever you cling onto his arm or squeeze his hand he smirks and hums into your ear

-you know he’s teasing and he chose that movie on purpose so you occasionally punch his arm when he tickles you with teasing small pecks on your cheeks and neck

-but you secretly enjoy it don’t lie

 Johnny

 -Oh johnny boy 

-I think for sure Halloween is his fave celebration because he always plans to visit Chicago in that period

-for this and for Christmas of course 

-he likes to celebrate it in the US cause the traditions are kept alive there 

-so he’s excited to take you trick or treating 

-You chose Corpse bride for costumes

-you were so excited to do his make up as Victor and he was excited to see you dressed for a wedding lmao

-While doing his make up before leaving for treating,he kept looking at you being so concentrated 

-“you look so beautiful like this babe”

-“johnny I look dead“

-literally

-he laughed and kissed you when he got the opportunity 

-and ofc he couldn’t contain himself from making cheeky remarks  either

-and you get mad at him for talking and smudging his make up by accident

-“you distracted me !!”

-but you like his annoying ass and would never be actually mad at him

 -plus he looked good even with smudged make up

-you think maybe it’s too smudged but he lifts you up and kisses you harder that before

-…and now you’re both smudged  but you don’t really mind as you kiss him one more time

-after all,you leave for trick or treating but realize you’re a bit old for this 

-he will not go home without corn candies tho so you’ll have to force him to do so -but because he looks around and sees mostly children,

-he suggests going to a party in the neighborhood 

-it was a party thrown by his friends ofc 

-and you were more than happy to show everyone the power couple you make together

 -he drives there,one hand on the steering wheel,one hand on your leg

 -occasionally caresses your skin and you blush a little 

-he knows your weaknesses tho

 -anywayssss

-you arrive at the party,everyone is in awe,,,he can’t really stop bragging about you

 -and you have a great time meeting his American friends for the first time

-seeing you tired after a while of being there,he comes closer to you and hugs you from behind

 -whispers in your ear how gorgeous you looked and how everyone loved you 

-and how he’s gonna take you home and spend more time as real ‘groom and bride’;;))

 Taeyong

 -this cute baby couldn’t be more excited to celebrate Halloween with you

-and not to baby him even more but his idea for the costumes was to dress up as among us characters

-yes,,among us characters

-specifically black and pink

-can you guess who’s who?

-he went full shopping mode with you and dragged you through  the stores only to find the perfect match

-and you did ofc

-you came with the idea to throw a party and invite the rest of your friends

-he checked the list of things you needed to buy for Halloween

-and you teased him saying he stressed too much and we should have fun instead of worrying

-“but baby you know if we throw a party,we need to have enough drinks and food”

-puppy eyes: checked

-speaking in tiny: checked

-how could you say no lmao

-and after you bought everything necessary (and unnecessary),,

-you came home to decorate and to put your costumes on

-tried to kiss but you forgot you had the helmets on lmfao

-you both giggled like two kids

-he looked so cute when he put his science goggles on his head

-and you made sure to capture every single angle of his cuteness

-too many pics ,,

-too many

-you had a lot of fun especially that you organized a costume contest

-and you didn’t win because you were the hosts pfff..

-it’s not like everyone voted you for having the coolest couple costume

-kinda sus if you ask me

-n ee ways

-the party was a success and everyone had fun

-you ended up eating so many sweets  

-even tho tyong told you to slow down

-he took care of you and bathed you in kisses and cuddles after everyone left

-“you eat too many sweets every Halloween,,do you even learn?” says as he caresses your cheeks and gives you a long forehead kiss

-“but I can’t help myself,,too good and sweet”

-‘”you’re too good and sweet”

 Yuta

 -It was the morning of 31st October

-the only thing in your mind was the Halloween party at sm you and yuta were going to attend

-and ofc you didn’t want a lame costume,you wanted something cute

-but powerful

-and not to be a cliché but you asked yuta if he wanted to be dressed as anime characters

-man did he give you a look

-he chuckled lightly at your request but couldn’t say no

-“baby the fact that you’re Japanese makes it 1000x better”

-you cup his cheeks in between your hands and he laughs holding you on his lap

-after all he agrees and you go shopping for costumes

-as you thought,you didn’t want to be the basic anime characters so you chose a cute and powerful couple

-Kagome and inuyasha

-When you saw yuta wearing that long white hair-wig,your heart did a flip

-he smiled so large when he saw you wearing that pretty school uniform

-you made him take you in his arms immediately only to start smooching your face

-“baby my make up”

-you were pouting,but he was smirking coming closer to your ear

-“ I will make up for this later,promise”

- he said that biting your ear lobe softly

-oh boy you wanted to forget about the party only for yuta to “make up” for you but

-you could’ve handled that later that night

-you had a great time partying with the members and other idols at sm

-yuta held onto you the whole night feeling so proud to have such a gorgeous s/o only for himself

-but what you had planned after the party was much more exciting ;;)

 Doyoung

-This little sh

-that you loved to the moon and back 

-was a bit skeptic about partying for Halloween 

-for your sake tho,he prepared a horror movie marathon for both of you

 -he also suggested cooking something thematic 

-you actually caught him few days ago watching an instagram video of ‘how to make eyeball lollipops”

-You were like ???

-“I want to make these for Halloween because you don’t need to bake anything you know”

-“so we won’t burn the kitchen down? Ok!”

-you agreed faster than he thought

 -and that made him doubt his cooking skills for a bit but anyways 

-you too didn’t really have anything planned for a costume but you decided to surprise him

-with a bunny costume

-not an onesie,no

 -bunny ears and a bunny tail 

 -while he was concentrated on cooking,

-you showed up wearing a cute lingerie and that bunny costume on you 

-“ hey bunny,wanna snuggle?”

-you leaned on the door frame while trying not laugh

-in that moment he was tasting the jam

-but when he turned around and saw you LIKE THAT 

-he snorted and dropped the spoon full of raspberries 

-he was absolutely sure you wanted to give him a heart

-attack somehow

 -but he came to his senses and approached you with a smirk on his face

 -you couldn’t even think for a bit because in the next second he lifted you up to kiss you 

-“you made me drop the food and make a mess,,do you think I’ll let you go with that?”

-you blushed harder than you thought and suggested to help him clean up the mess 

-but he cut you off mid-sentence with a deepened kiss only to tell you with a low tone

-“those raspberries can wait,the bunny wants snuggles doesn’t it?”

-you tried so hard to keep your cool but who can blame you?? 

Jaehyun

 -Another Halloween enthusiast

-he couldn’t wait to dress up as Gomez and Morticia Addams

-you even helped him with the make-up,drawing a mustache on his face

-“haha very funny’’,

-he responds sarcastically every time you look at him and try not to laugh

-but damn the costume was pure gold

-you both looked amazing and he even managed to kiss your hand,up to your arm and neck

-just like Gomez kissed his wife every time he had the opportunity

-you both went trick or treating,along with johnny,mark and other members

-then came back to the dorms and ate so many candies

-jaehyun couldn’t help but stare at you every time he had the chance

-and you knew this costume was a perfect match because you could show him how sexy and elegant you were

-taeyong prepared some food for you all and you had few drinks

-told a lot of horror stories and felt like kids again but jaehyun was waiting to go home only to spend more time with you

-“ the food is too hot,I can’t eat it ::( ’’

-you complained while the others turned their heads to look at you especially taeyong who was about to apologize for the food being too hot

-jaehyun: ‘’you’re hot but I’d still eat-“

--he was cut off mid-sentence by taeyong who slammed his hand down on the table

-“ONE MEAL

-“ONE NORMAL FUCKING MEAL JAEHYUN”

-you all started laughing and looked at jaehyun only to see him grinning like a little bitch he is

-you knew how cheeky he can be so you got up and came closer to him to wrap your arms around his neck

-closer to his ear so you can whisper nonsense, that apparently got him happier that you intended

-he was one lucky guy for sure

-and the Halloween was once again one of his favorite holidays

 Jungwoo

 -Jungwoo wanted something cute this year

-he was very excited to show you what costumes he prepared for you both

- he kept saying it was a surprise and told you not to prepare anything cause he will handle it

- so while you were preparing the candies for the kids, he snuck up on you and covered your eyes

- you could’ve sworn you felt something fluffy covering your face

- you touched his arms and tried to feel it

- and realized he was wearing paws

- ???

- “babe what are you-“

- he cut you off and turned you around to face him

- he was wearing a big Snoopy costume,with a red bowtie as well

- you felt yourself dying of cuteness

- because now you had THE actual snoopy as your boyfriend

- a bit weird but CUTE ok cute

- “do you like it?? the red bowtie is part of the costume so we could match”

- you looked at him all smiles

- his eyes were sparkling just like a puppy’s :,(

- He grabbed your hand and took you to your bedroom to show your costume

- it was the same snoopy costume but you had a red ribbon on top of your head

- you were excited to try it on

- and when you showed him the costume, he gently approached you to kiss your forehead

- “aren’t we the cutest?”

- after that, he helped you give sweets to trick-or-treaters and so many kids were in awe when they saw you two

- you took pictures to send to his family

- and in the end, you two ended up falling asleep

- cuddling on the couch surrounded by the candies left because you weren’t very active this year

- but still had a great time

  Mark

 -This year mark wanted it different

-he didn’t only wanted to crave pumpkins or go trick or treating

-he needed a break from every exhausting activity because being and idol

-and well,,

-being mOrk

-he was tired and needed an escape from that solicitant lifestyle

-he surprised you one day with a small trip to an orchard outside of Seoul

-you were so excited because you knew the weather was going to be in your favor

-plus you knew mark was a nonconformist and he wanted to make the time spent w you very special

-like every time

-such a cutie oml pls-

-you two took the train till there,admiring the view from the empty cabin you were in

-he was holding you close and your hand all the time

- occasionally he kissed the top of it

-but you always turned to give him a quick peck on his sweet lips

-you liked to see him all giggly and shy,rubbing his hand behind his head

-when you arrived there,you were accompanied by a guide

-showing you around the orchard

-you were so excited while looking around,looking at the different colors of the apples

-mark grabbed two baskets and offered to help you pick few red and beautiful apples

-you were picking them and from time to time you felt mark’s gaze on your body and smiled

-while he was distracted, you snuck up behind him only to see him startle

-you giggled when he picked you up,spinning you around

-only to leave a sweet kiss on your nose and lips

-after the apple picking,you went to a café that was only few miles away from the orchard

-ate apples on the way because you were a bit tired and very hungry lol

-at this cute café,you two spent some time chatting and just staring at each other

-because you were both cute little hopeless romantics <333

 Haechan

 -Haechan was actually going to lazy around that day but nope

-you dragged him out of the bed

-telling him you want to crave pumpkins because otherwise

-you will bite his ass

-he gave you the most shocked look

-then managed to laugh

-“I wouldn’t mind,just bite the corner,,just a small bite”

-you rolled your eyes and puffed air from your nose pretending to get mad

-you walked out of the room and grabbed your coat and the car keys

-“yeah right then I’m going to buy the pumpkins myself”

-he came after you giggling and insisting it was a joke

-but you knew and were obvs trying not to smile

-he was a sucker for your pouty face so he loved pissing you off

-little cute shit

-you finally arrived at the local market and bought two big pumpkins

-so orange and tasty

-haechan took a tiny pumpkin and said he’s going to make it your child

-“haechan I’m not gonna shove a knife into our kid,don’t name it!”

-he knew if he names an object and something bad happens to it

-you get attached to it and get sad

-so in the end he didn’t name it but still got it home

-at home,you tried to look on pinterest for craving ideas

-and haechan laughed cause that was silly

-“cmon babe are you seriously looking that on the internet? Just do- *stabs the pumpkin in the middle and cuts out the lid* -this”

-he looks at you with a smile on his face and you just stand there

-bamboozled

-like “I’m really dating a gemini huh”

-you try to cut your pumpkin but the skin was too hard

-and managed to drop the knife out of your hands with a loud bump on the floor

-haechan literally jumped thinking you cut yourself but you were just standing there,,

-bbq sauce on your tidd-

-jk jk

-you were standing there looking at the guts spilled all over the floor

-you sighed but haechan gave you a hug

-“you clumsy baby,gotta be careful. Let me do it for you,,you just scoop what’s left from the inside”

-and you did as he said a bit disappointed that he took the hard work

-even tho you wanted to show him you don’t need help

-but he knew you were an independent person anyway

-that’s what he loved about you actually

-after you were done with cravings,it was the tiny pumpkin’s turn to be cut

-you and haechan just turned to look at each other and he saw you giving him a trembling bottom lip

-“we can’t cut it baaabeee…” you whined

-“okay then just ..let’s draw a cool face on it,no harm”

-you agreed because obvs you couldn’t cut the child you had with him pff

-you took the marker and drew a caricature of your bf on it

-before showing it to him,you covered his eyes and suggested him to sit on the couch for few moments

-he was wondering what you were doing

-after a while you led him,eyes still closed,to the fireplace where you placed the pumpkins

-he opened his eyes and saw the tiny pumpkin standing between the bigger ones

-“see,these two are us and the tiny one is the kid”

-he gave you a look,his eyebrows rised but then laughed

-he hugged you and gave you a small kiss

-he then looked at the bigger pumpkins and stated nodding

-“damn we’re kinda ugly ngl”

taglist: @peachyhan​  --(who wants to be in the tag list,lmk!!)

[hermitcraftheadcanons]

Zombie Apocalypse AU Masterpost 2 Electric Boogaloo

Previous Post: https://hermitcraftheadcanons.tumblr.com/post/618314308275863552/zombie-apocalypse-au-masterpost

-Bdubs is slowly going feral because he has the virus, it just doesn't show itself physically.

-Cub was tempted to purposefully get the virus to try and help find a cure, (they probably don't have lab rats given the circumstances,) by Scar talked him out of it.

-The timeline of events with DocM is that he started in the NHO group, they ended up dispersing (Etho turned and then left to ensure the safety of his friends, Beef ended up going separate due to Doc and Bdubs' constant fighting and Bdubs stormed off after an argument.) He ends up getting taken in by TFC, (he's the first to arrive,) and eventually captures Rendog.

-Stressmonster and Iskall originally lived in a cabin in the mountains. After Iskall got swept away in a snow storm and Joe and Cleo stopped by, Stress had no idea there was a Zombie outbreak.

-Hypnotizd and XB ended up trespassing in Jevin's property and Jevin shot Hypno. XB pleaded to Jevin that they weren't zombies and to not hurt them further and Jevin begrudgingly went, 'okay, fine. You aren't taking my food though.'

-Impulse's weapon of choice was a shovel.

-Grian can't fly in this AU. Let's be real, if he could, it would be pretty OP.

-Keralis most definetly gave a larger share of his rations to Xisuma while he was sick.

-TangoTek entirely blames himself for Impulse leaving and Zedaph getting bit. He feels especially conflicted because he wants to leave because he's convinced they both hate him and blame him but he can't because 'what if they go looking for him?' 'What if someone worse comes from that?'

-The location of Etho's bite is right on the front of the neck. He actually passed out from blood loss initially and he very nearly died. (Luckily for him the zombie didn't pull away, ripping out anything important (like a windpipe of an oesophagus,) giving Doc time to carefully unhinge the zombie's jaw and save Etho.) Nobody was quite sure how Etho was even alive with a big chunk out of his neck until he started displaying some strange behaviour.

-False is usually the one who stays up late to stand guard and protect her group.

-Mumbo accidentally caught Hypno in one of his traps at one point but let him go.

-Hay here’s a dumb idea, The reason ren is immune to the zombie virus is because he has like an anti-zombie virus in his body it behaves just like a normal zombie virus but it doesn’t turn you into a zombie, so how the hermits turn the zombie hermits human again is by making ren bite them.

-I have an angst ending and a no-angst ending so first here's the not-angst one: Doc and Ren team up with Cub and Scar to make a cure (so Ren doesn't have to bite everyone personally). They travel around finding every bitten survivor and salvageable zombie they can, using the weapons and resources from the NHO for protection. They find ways of producing and distributing enough cure for everyone, and during that process all of the Hermits decide to stay friends and in touch afterward.

-For the Zombie AU, if Scar doesn't already have like a different role in this au, he could've possibly been the first human infected because *someone's* pet cat ate a weird looking mouse and bit their owner.

-This is very angsty and gory, so fair warning: How fast does the virus spread through the body from the bite? If slow, you can cut the bitten part off before it spreads out through the body. To doc having a robot arm, what if he got bit and out of fear, they amputated his arm to stop the spread. I know y'all probably don't wanna go with body horror, but that's something to consider in this AU.

-Lowkey I feel zombie Etho doesnt do justice to his epic PVP skillz, but!! I do see Etho to be something SIMILAR to it! Idk if you've ever played Telltale's The Walking Dead game, but Etho could a zombie whisperer, a human who wears zombie skin and lives amongst the zombies for protection. So when Etho got bit, they THOUGHt he turned but actually just decided, hey I live here now and just vibin.

-You know how ren being a werewolf is popular in the fandom(from what I've seen) maybe that's why is immune to being a zombie and getting bitten by him if your infected cures it because the zombie infection and werewolf infection cancel eachother out.

-A more jokey Zombie!Au thing: The first episode of Llamas with hats but it's Zombie!Etho and Beef.

-I feel like if Wels could get to some of his friends he would try his hardest to protect them and if he ever managed to get bit it would be to save someone else.

-There is just always so much angst potential in any scenario or AU where it involves the possibility of Wels sacrificing himself in some way to protect his friends from something poor bb 😔

-Would infected hermits be able to like recognize people after the infection zombified them or whatever it is? Because if so oh my god imagine the angst.

(All those above in red are from our community's lovely anons!)

-About the anti-zombie Ren bite thing: Doc has the idea suddenly in the middle of an argument so the conversation goes a little like this:

Ren: "So what I'm trying to say, my dude, is that would never work because -"

Doc: "Ren. Bite me."

Ren: "Oh yeah, real mature way to end a disagreement there -"

Doc: *facepalming* "No, Ren, I mean actually.... Just do it, I'll explain later."

-Angst ending: They could never produce enough cure to stem the tide of undeath. They all choose to band together and take shelter underground, hoping to wait it out. They use X's tunnel, but that many people that close together smells irresistible to a horde. The zombies flood after them into the tunnel. X says he'll buy them some time, even though he is terrified. He collapses the tunnel on himself and the zombies so the others can escape. His last thought: At least I get to die as myself.

-Thinking about Etho's bite location (you said it was on his neck): Most bites are on the shoulder or leg (bit from behind while running away) or on the arm (bit while raised to defend). To be bitten on the neck he would have to have his arms and shoulders lowered. Etho, being a good fighter, would have only done this if it was absolutely necessary. Conclusion: he was bitten with his arms stretched out to protect someone behind him, and he knew the consequence that his choice would have.

-(@shadeswiftdraws.)

-The NHO are all strangely dressed (Etho is kakashi, Doc is green, Bdubs has a bandana,) because they were all at a cosplay convention. (-@tomcatacaphe.)

-When Etho left The nHo, he brings a Journal with him. Every Night he'll write a Journal entry. He'll write just about anything, there even some random lyrics and some pretty flowers he pick up along his travels. But as the Journal goes on, the words slowly became wobbly. Inconsistent. until finally, Unreadable chicken skrach. His final (at least readable) entry is: "-I hoPE yoU GUyZ ArE DoInG bETThEr ThAn I Am" As some point in time, Etho lost his Journal and Joe hills found it.

-Speaking of Joe Hill, he made it his personal mission to collect every literature and entertament media he can possibly carry on him. From Dnd Book, poetry, Documentary DVD's, to random journal He think would be usefull. Stress is happy to help Joe but Cleo is a little annoyed because it's will only slow them down, but Joe Argued that "If there's no knowledge left, then what will the future be? Just staying alive and surviving?" Cleo begrudgingly agrees.

-I can totally see Joe and Cleo Rocking an actual Sword and Dnd Cosplay (Joe got is a gift while Cleo Commissions her's after seeing Joe whip out his sword one time in a one shot DnD session) they keep the swords, but they ditch the Costume pretty early on tho.

-Mumbo's next Job Interview would be schedule at Concorp. But then the Zombie apocalypse happened on his way there.

(-@tearosepedall.)

-I don’t want this au to end but here’s my take: most of them get to the bunker where they don’t develop a cure, but do create a vaccine. Occasionally they will venture out to hand out the vaccine to survivors. Still, they all decide to stay into stay together. But because they were unable to develop a cure, even though they really try, there are some how have been lost such as etho, zed, and mumbo. Still the rest of them morn and try their best to survive without modern society. (-@lookitsspacekween.)

https://hermitcraftheadcanons.tumblr.com/post/618587883366957056/tw-very-brief-mention-of-vomit-general-warnings (-@carpe-shovelem.)

-Funny/happy ending to the Zombie AU: The hermits set up a zombie funneling system where the ones that didn't die from infection get bit by Ren to get turned back and they return the dead and give them proper burials. (-@my-cat-is-a-bastard.)

-I just remembered the thought post with Tuartis sleeping through things, Bdubs sleeping through the apocalypse, but now we've got Wels on the sleep team too! Wonder if he'd have slept through the apocalypse as well... (-@853dragons.)

TW: Mentions of dead animals:

I've got one last bit for the zombie au, it ties into my parasite one: With the rumors that the outbreak started in the Convex cancer research facility, and Scar feeling guilt because he Should Have Been Able To Stop This... It really was their fault. As a company. It wasn't intentional, of course, but Convex created the parasite. It was during research into a cure for certain conditions that are notoriously risky/impossible to perform surgery on, like brain tumors or lukemia-type cancer. The hope was to utilize the parasites as something that could harmlessly go in, eat or destroy all the cancerous cells, then die off, leaving a perfectly healthy human. The research project was abandoned after a several years, when every single attempt ended with either dead or, in later years, extremely sickly rats. Although the final round seemed promising, the rats weren't showing obvious signs of a decline in health after two weeks, Convex was convinced to just give it up and that the utilization of parasitic worms was asking for more trouble than it was worth. Plus, PETA was getting dangerous with their choices in protest against the tests, which was the main reason it was called off. Cub and the board of directors didn't want to risk bodily harm to their researchers, and it truly was getting so beyond ridiculous that a few bodyguards weren't enough protection.

Some researchers took some of the test rats home as pets, including our Patient Zero, because they really were quite cute. Patient Zero got bit by his rat, and nobody really thought anything of it for a couple weeks until his behavior took a bad turn. He was picking fights and throwing verbal abuse, and no amount of warnings and write-ups were giving any hint of stopping him. It all finally resulted in him viciously biting fellow labworkers, which sent two of them and himself to the ER. Upon arrival he had to be restrained and isolated lest he bite more people. He was fired from the company, his bodyguards pulled, but Scar had been friends and continued to visit him regularly, wondering where the change had come from, and saddened by his old friend's obvious decline in health. Nurses told him he was refusing to eat or drink, and too violent to reason with nor release to anywhere but the police or psychiatric hospital. Soon, there were more reports of uncharacteristicly aggressive actions from PZ's victims. And from there.... Well, it's your choice where the story goes, but it didn't take long for Scar to put the puzzle together.

-(@basaltdragon.)

More to be added!

[bookdragonlibrary]

Halloween

“Hey Ed! Did you choose your costume already?”

“Not yet. But I think you might have an idea, amigo.”

“Duh! I have the idea since summer. Wanna hear it?”

“I’m all ears.”

“Did you watch the Mysterious City of Gold?”

“No, I see where you’re going and no. Besides, it’s not a couple idea?” 

“What do you mean? They are best friends.”

“I’m pretty sure they were... Wait, who are you talking about?

“Esteban and Tao! You already have the hair! Plus it would be really crash for Taos’ peer councelor to come as Tao, don’t you think?”

“My... hair?”

He tugges at a curl without thinking. When he was younger, he could spend hours trying to straitghten it, not hesitating to pull it hard with a brush. Not like it worked anyway...

“Yeah, they’re so crash, amigo!”

Ed bites his cheek to not blush, but he’s sure he failed.

“And we ask Tye to dress as Zia, I presume?” He jokes to hide it, pushing the attention somewhere else.

But he cannot stop himself for imagining his friend in that outfit and a light blush comes on his cheek. He take his composure back, hoping that his dark skin had hidden it. Wasn’t his best idea.

“Do you think he would accept?”

Bart didn’t seem to have noticed. 

“This was sarcasm, amigo”, Ed replies with a smile.

“Ah. It’s Zia? I thought it was Tia... That would have been even funnier.”

“I heard the new season was in Japan, so maybe Sam could find a cosplay too. Maybe Tye would come along if Asami does it.”

Bart cocks his head on the side and Ed explains this new retro concept. He doesn’t need patience just for Bart’s personality but also for his lack of knowledge of the present, even if he learnt a lot since he arrived, but most of it weren’t useful for daily conversation as his special interests were often about facts, science or even art and litterature. 

“Bart, why... why didn’t you ask to Jaime for this?”

“Why would I? Blue doesn’t have Tao’s hair. Plus he does a duo costume with Traci this year. That would be weird if we do a trio costume, right?” he adds with a sad smile.

Ed doesn’t know Traci well, but he knows from Tye they are going out since summer as all the Team and the Runaways spent time together, hanging around all over the country thanks to the Zetatube and also to his dad giving acess to Sam, Tye and him. So he could go to Mount Justice beach and still be on time for dinner in Taos. Sometimes he loves his papá’s technology even if it has to bring him away and take his time.

Jaime and Traci did spend a lot of time together with their new love slowly blooming, didn’t realise sometimes they let their friends behind. Cassie was fine and spent more time with the other girls of the squad. But Bart was all alone and so used to be clinged to Jaime he wasn’t really close with the other members. He was close to Gar but he had to leave the Team months ago. Ed knows Bart could be shy when he’s in a new environment or with new people. And people he barely talked to was as new for him than a stranger. Hopefully Virgil was there and bring him along with his times out with Ed. 

The first time, he was taken aback when he saw his crush appear out of nowhere with Virgil behind and his soft knowing smile, as if he didn’t know what he was doing. Bart was fidgeting all the time, unsure if he had a right to be there, afraid of forcing his way in, until Virgil’s kindness and himself being chill made him at ease. Sometimes Virgil and Bart talked about nerd stuffs he barely undersands but he ignores if it’s because of lack of vocabulary with the language barrier or his own lack of knowledge. Virgil’s clear explanations and Bart’s ramblings helped him so he wasn’t completely lost about the subject. He never saw Bart like this, all serious. No, he was still chill as if he was talking about the weather and not electronical materials and he was still rambling as usual. But it’s all the details he knew about a difficult topic which amazed Ed. So he just listened during most part of the conversation but Bart was still aware of his presence as he explains something whenever Ed frowned at a word or a concept and that made his stomach tighten. Virgil remained silent during this moments and Ed was glad to him for that. 

“Yeah, fine. Whatever. I didn’t have any idea anyway...” Ed finally say, trying to not be too overwhelmed. But maybe it sounded too cold instead?

“Crash!” 

Preparing his costume wasn’t complicated. It was ready pretty fast. Even if Ed was so excited for this day to come, he doesn’t bring his hopes too high. That would be just two friends hanging around at a party. Two single friends, sure. Nothing more.

As he slowly spent more and more time with Bart, Virgil step backward, giving them moments just the two of them. He is closer to Cassie now. With the Team splending in two parts, Cassie was also invited to the Runaways hanging out to not be left behind and alone. And it wasn’t the Team and the Runaways anymore, but one group of friends. Sam became close to Traci thanks to the double dates with Tye and Jaime. Ed was happy for her; she had difficulties to make friends outside the Runaways, certainly because of the language and culture barriers. Traci being half Asian was the bridge she needed.  

The party is tonight. Ed cannot really think about it with all the preparatives he still needs to do. Of course, Tye had refused to come in a Zia’s outfit even if Sam found the idea really cool. But Ed is unsure if he is glad it would be just Bart and him or stressed to not have a third person to not make it awkward. Nobody discussed about the closeness of Bart and Jaime as everyone knows how Bart is: clingy, touchy and a hugger monster and also because they know how much they had to go through together. But how would they react to Bart and him being close? During all the Reach invasion, no trauma brings them together, not in the War World or even in the Reach ship as Ed didn’t know Bart and Gar were in the next room and was barely aware of the other teens around him through the pain. In a way, he relieved it isn’t the trauma or the pain who made them friends, like they were destined to be not matter what. Their friendship is dued to their personalities and not the Reach or being both meta and abducted because of it. He doesn’t want to own this aliens anything. Not even his powers. But still, their friendship is due to normal facts, meaning he could expect ��normal” reactions to their closeness. 

He needs to focus on what he’s doing. Like preparing enough food because Bart– Urgh. He went in the kitchen anyway, checking if they would have enough. They have no alcohol beers and cocktails and punch also withtout alcohol, so basically fruit juices, but “cocktail” makes it sound fancier. Especially with a little umbrella in the glass.

When his friends arrive his fears are blown away. With Bart’s entrance, another feeling blooms instead. Bart was really cute in this cosplay. He even created Esteban’s famous necklace with paperboard.

Jaime and Traci have a Disney matching costume as Aladdin and Mulan. Sam was dressed as Haku and Tye as a cowboy, affirming there is nothing more terrifying than colonialism. Ed shares a look with Jaime to decide which one is going to explain it to Bart who frowns. Virgil chose Darui from Naruto and Cassie Sakura from the same universe. Ed thanks him to also took a matching costume with his own best friend. Gar arrives later, transform in a half way between human and animal to look like Michelangelo from TMNT. He was accompanied by Perdita, dressed like Belle, here incognito. Some of her guards are dressed as benevoles helping the Center for the night if anything happens. But he doubts it would be necessary – or even usefull – as Perdita is always surrounded by heroes during the party.

“Ed, mi amigo! You... you don’t wear your costume?” 

And Ed hopes he didn’t imagine the quick sad look on Bart’s face.

“I... I didn’t have a chance to put it on. You know, too much to do. I didn’t see the time passed. But it’s ready in my room. Just give me the time to–” 

He teleports right in his room. He didn’t mean to. He was just too embarassed, blushing too much, wanting to reassure Bart but not doing too much about it either. Now he isn’t sure to put the costume on even if he really wants to, his fears kicking again. Everything is too much. His feelings are a mess, he is overwhelming, completely loss and– He needs to breathe. He needs to tell him, he needs a clear answer, because walking on this string giving him headaches and he wants to stop his hopes before they get too high, before it’s too late to prevent the heartbreak. Or maybe it’s already too late. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t even know what he feels for Bart. Or he wishes it’s true. He wishes he can hide from the truth a little longer, just to be sure he is ready. But he also needs to stop lying to himself: he would never be completely ready for this kind of answer. 

He breathes and put the yellow poncho on. A little part in him still whispers he didn’t imagine things. 

He teleports back in the party and finds his friends nearby. He exhales and walks toward them. 

“Your costume is really crash, Ed!” Virgil complementes, his knowing smile on his lips again.

He would have glare at him to stop if he isn’t blushing already. 

“Edo-kun, you look like the character so much”, Sam approves. “And yellow really suits you.”

“And there’s even a bit of red in it”, Jaime notices.

“Your costume is so crash”, Bart zooms next to him, clinging at his arm. “Where do you buy it?”

“I didn’t. I sewed it mysel–”

He put his mouth shut. Now Bart would probably teasing him because he can sew, a old useless hobby...

“You can sew? This is so crash, amigo! Is there a talent you don’t have?’‘

“I... Uh...”

“Apparently, speaking isn’t one of it”, Tye teases.

Ed rolls his eyes. His friends would be the death of him if Bart’s cuteness doesn’t kill him before. 

“And you, my friend, how did you make your costume?”

“Oh! Grand– I mean Iris bought me regular clothes and helped me costumize it. And Milagro made the necklace! It’s crash, uh? Oh! And she made one for you.”

He reaches in his pocket to give him the present. The necklace was a golden crescent moon to match his golden sun. Ed blushes slighly as he just viewed them as matching love necklaces and quickly push the thought away. 

“Thanks, Bart. But I thought it was Zia wearing the second necklace?”

He smacks himself mentally. He should not have said this.

“It’s not Tao? So moded... I was sure he was him...” 

“It’s ok, I like it”, he reassures while put it on. 

And that’s what enough to make Bart smile again. 

The group talks, mixing with the rescuing teens. Ed is glad to be able to give them something common, to show them they can still have a normal live, powers or not. Some of his friends are dancing, like Traci bringing Jaime on the dance floor with Bart’s help. But the other are shyly stay on the side of the gymnasium. At this picture, he smiles to himself.

But seeing Bart dressed like that, with the same necklace and his usual cuteness, is too much. He walk to the public restroom of the building and put water on his face. 

“Ed, are you ok? I saw you rush in. Are you sick?” 

He turns his face to see Bart. He takes a paper to dry his skin, giving him time to recompose himself and find a good excuse.

“It’s ok. I was just too warm over there, you know, with the crowd. Not really a party type”

Well, half true. The Center opens only few weeks ago so it was pretty empty for now but party was never truely his thing.

When he looks back at his friend, he knows he is doomed: Bart has chocolate all over his lips as he is casually eating a brownie.

“Bart, you have... on your... Just let me help.”

Without thinking about it, Ed takes a new paper, puts some water on it and cleans Bart’s mouth. He really should have think twice  because now he is really close to his lips which are red again and somehow a little shiny with the water. He is lost in his thoughts and at the same time living an out body experience as it moves on its own and kisses Bart.

It is slow and gentle. His lips feels soft under his own. He can still taste the chocolate and ice sugar. He cups his cheek, resting his forehead against his and breathes, finally finding peace in the middle of all the emotions mixing during the night. 

Then panic rises again as he realises what he just did. He steps back.

“Bart, are you ok? Was it ok? I’m sorry, I didn’t–”

Bart’s look makes him stop. He was speechless and his eyes had widened. Ed can’t see if it is because of chock, surprise, fear or disgust. His friend opens his  mouth but looks over his shoulder almost at the same moment. 

“Guys, what is it?” he answers to the comunicator. “Emergency? Yeah, I know, but... Ok, here in a flash.” He looks back at him, as if he realises Ed is still here. “An emergency mission with the Team. Found a new meta facility. I... I have to go.”

Before he can say anything, Bart is gone. 

He screwed up, didn’t he?

When he quits the restroom, Ed wants to talk to Virgil, then remembers he left with the Team too. So he looks for Tye and Sam instead, clutching at his necklace, ignoring if he wants to keep it or tear it. They stay with him, a little away from the party, waiting for him to break in tears or get mad or anything, at least a reaction. But Ed just stay silent, still clutching the pendant.

The Team comes back few hours later with the rescuing metateens. Without the poncho, Ed tries to put a fake smile on his face while welcoming the new students. He avoids Bart’s look as best at he could, not sure what he would discover in his eyes. Tye and Sam joins him, both helping with his work and his feelings. He wants to go see Virgil so much to tell him what happened and ask how Bart was during the mission, his old self or not. But he has responsability first and those kids went on so much more trauma than he did this night. He isn’t a priority right now, no matter how his heart is currently a storm. 

After the welcoming and helping the kids have a room and rest before registration and all the administration work the next day, nobody has the heart for party anymore, tired from the mission. Ed goes to cleaning the room as an automate, his body moving so the mind doesn’t have to think or the heart to feel anymore. 

“Ed?”

With a blank mind, he doesn’t hear it at first. He notice the presence when a hand rests on his forearm. He turns himself to discover Bart, still in his hero costume, with an unsure look.

“Can– can we talk?” 

“You sure you want to talk?”

Bart doesn’t answer. Not with words. He cups his face and kisses him back. Well, with hours delay, certainly. But now, he isn’t afraid anymore of what could come next. Ed frozes an instant, melts in the softness again, taking Bart by the hips. He teleports them on the roof where nobody can see them, interupt them again, where he feels they’re alone in the world. 

“Why? Why did you do this?”

“Freaking out or kissing you?” he chucles nervously, a little out of breath. 

“Both.”

“Ed, I like you. But you don’t like me. You can’t. I’m not what I seem to be. You don’t like a real person. Just a joke.”

“I know you. You’re clever, funny, kind, you care of others. You’re stubborn and determined. Can you dare tell me there’s something wrong on that list? You can’t fake all those.”

“But you don’t know...”

“Your trauma? What you have been trough? It’s ok, you can tell me with time, when you’re ready. I will listen to you, I will confort you and I will still accept and love you after that. I won’t ask for it. I promise. We all have traumas. Heck, Gar said we can’t be true heroes without it, right? I hide sides of myself too, you know.”

Bart is looking at him, his eyes widened as he never sees them. But he can’t place what he sees though. What is hope? Acceptance? Realisation?

He cups his face, pushing him even closer to him, drying the tears forming with his thumbs.

“I know you think noone loves you, that you can’t be loved. I know it’s something you never knew or remembered, that you’re afraid of it. I promise you I do love you. I will show it to you, until you believe me and after.”

Bart bursts into tears, Ed holds him closer. He kisses his forehead, his eyelids, his cheeks, his lips. Bart hides his face in his neck, his scent calming his mind while Ed breathes in his hair, smelling the peach perfume. 

“You know, I was always afraid to hug you.”

“You can do it all the time you want. I don’t mind your crashing hugs”, he smile to his hair.

Bart kisses him again, more passionnate. Ed descends on his jaw, on his neck. He goes slow, doesn’t want to scare him, but still overwhelmed with hapiness and the love he can finally expresses.

“Ed...” Bart moans lightly.

The older boy quickly pushes away.

“You ok? Was it too much?”

“Sorry my skin is really sensitive and your slowliness excites me.”

“Ok, maybe it’s better if I stop.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s ok, don’t apologize.”

Bart hugs him, tears dry and his big smile back on his lips. 

“Oh, Ed?”

“Hm?”

“I lied to you...”

“About what?” 

“I was the one making the necklaces. I was afraid you find that weird.”

“So you have talent in your hands too? Not only the foot?” 

“We can say that.” And Ed can feel his smile against his neck. 

“It’s ok, chiquito. I like it even more.”

“So... Are we boyfriends now?”

“Do you want to?”

The little boy nods against his chest. Ed pets his hair, still can’t processing they had the same size merely a year ago. Bart vibrates in his arm, a quick regular path. The panic rises once more, not quite the same one. 

“Something wrong? Did I–?”

“I’m so happy! You’re my boyfriend now. We’re boyfriends!”

Ed smiles fondly at him, waiting for him to slow down to hold him closer as if he won’t ever let go. And maybe, in a way, it’s true.

“Te amo, novio mio.”

—————

Why I feel is worse than my previous pieces? --’ Sorry for the light angst by the way!

I know Ed is drawn after Spike Spiegel so I wanted to suggest someone new :) 

I totally see Tye casually dropping bombs like that. Was it ok? :/ What do you think of the other costumes? Oh, by the way, does someone know the accurate word for Tao’s “cape” in this show? It’s a poncho or something else?

Thanks to @gegeru I realised I wrote their first cosplay together and kiss for the @zetaflash-week day 1: firsts without even knowing it xD

Day 1 ; Day 2 ; Day 3 ; Day 4 ; Day 5 ; Day 6 ; Day 7

[fourteen--steps]

Thank you so much @headbuttingunicorn​ :D :D :D

I’m not 100% sure where my little guys originally came from but odds are good it was a feeder tank. The LFS if I’m being optimistic but probably like Petsmart. I rescued them from a bowl after about a week and a half dying in the lobby of my apartment building, they were definitely pretty sorry looking then :/

For the last year and a half or so the three survivors lived in this 50 g

Which technically could have sustained them for most of their lives (I think even by bare minimum standards a 65 would probably be necessary eventually for three fish), but it has weird dimensions (15x36x20″) and honestly?? They were just outgrowing it. They’re over 6 inches now at just a little over two years old. But I’ll talk about their care in here anyway because that’s where they’ve done most of their growing and living the majority of their life.

LOTS of filtration. I've had two Aquaclear 70s on this tank the whole time it’s been up, and for the last 4 months or so, a SunSun HW-304B canister as well. The AC’s are 300 gph (gallons per hour) each, and the SunSun is hOLY SHIT 525 gph oh my god how have I not noticed that.

(Weird story with that one??? I thought I ordered the 265 gph model, found I’d accidentally ordered the 370 gph model, and when the box arrived they had sent me this one which is oh my gooooodddddd 525 wat)

So I had around 600 (and then 1100 whooopps that’s maybe a little too much) total turnover per hour, or about 12x the volume of the tank. With goldfish I always recommend at least 10x, minimum. It really makes such a difference. Even if your water tests come up clear on water change day, the quicker you’re getting the ammonia and nitrite processed out of the water, the less stress the fish’s systems are under in the long run.

They're not expensive either! The Aquaclears are about $45 each online, and the canister is similar. Although sunsun being an Asian company their prices fluctuate a bit. 

I have a shit ton of pothos on my tank too, for nitrate munching purposes since my water comes out of the tap already at 10-20 ppm. I.... think it’s going to eat me someday o_O this is it with like four feet of trimming at least. 

And even with all that, water changes! I’ll admit I wasn’t always solid on my w/c schedule, my health is iffy at best and running on a 10 day schedule happened fairly often, although I DO NOT recommend that. To make up for it, I almost always do 60-90% changes. Contrary to popular belief, large water changes are not harmful to your fish or your cycle as long as you match the pH and temperature of the fresh water going in. I refill in chunks over the course of an hour or so to avoid shocking them, they pout during the process but as soon as I restart the filters they’re back to normal.

I recently, and I mean recently, as in last week, upgraded to a FRICKIN’ ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY GALLON TANK??? OMFUCKINGFUCK LOOK

I LOVE IT SO MUCH AND SO DO THEY :D 

Holy shit I’ve been fighting with the manufacturers over this thing for wEEKS IT’S FINALLY HERE. 72″x24″x20″ which is such a good shape for goldfish, much better than the standard 150 which is taller and thinner. Ahhh they’re so happy they just go nyoooooom nyooom from one end to the other, and I can add more friends!! Right now I have Remy, Lilac, Ludi, and little Ametrine in there. Plus Sumi in quarantine, but she’s really sick all of a sudden which is why this post took longer than I meant it too, sorry :( I don’t know what happened she just dropsied out of nowhere the other night. She was due to join the others in a week or two, but if she pulls through she’s getting an extended QT now to be sure she’s really healthy

And a skinny lil blind dude I picked up not long ago who may or may not live by himself depending on if I think he can hold his own with the others or not? He’s a spunky cutie but Very Tiny.

Anyway the tank is kind of a mess cause I just chucked every piece of spare decor I have in there to give them something to do, but I have some nice driftwood and just bought a ton of anubias and I’m gonna try actual planted this time!!!

Food food yum yum :) Variety is the spice of life. This pic is from a while ago, I’ve added more to this now probably

I use the Omega One and Thera A as daily staples, rotated with smatterings of the other pellets, as well as Repashy Soilent Green and some of my own homemade gel foods. I really wanna try Northfin pellets too, or AAP Paradigm when I get around to it. I do veggies a few times a week, I’ll buy a bunch of stuff fresh and then blanch and freeze it in baggies to feed over the next couple months. Zucchini, peas, bok choy, cauliflower, kale, spinach, collard greens, broccoli, watercress, etc etc. I usually have four or five at any given time. The frozen proteins I do once every week or two. I’m super allergic to bloodworms so those are a special treat I only feed with gloves :P but they get mysis or brine shrimp usually. 

It looks intimidating, but it’s not that difficult. I acquired this stuff bit by bit over the course of a year so you don’t have to go spend a ton of money at once. If I ever just happen to see something that looks fairly good quality for an okay price I’ll grab a small container to try out. Some I end up liking, some I don’t, but even the mediocre stuff I sometimes use as a junk treat, or as snail food. Like I wouldn’t use any of the foods here besides the Repashy, Omega One, Northfin, or NLS as staples. The Aqueon is okay-ish if you have no other option, but the Cobalt is too high in protein for daily feeding, and Hikari has gone so downhill in the last few years. I honestly wouldn’t even buy it, I just feel obligated to use up the bag I already have. Pick maybe two of those staple foods to keep on hand, rotate in veggies a few times a week, some frozen protein here and there and you’re set, don’t absolutely need anything else. Of course more is always better, if you can. 

And yes, sigh, dumb as bricks aren’t they? Picky too sometimes. Try a bunch of different vegetables, leafy greens are a good place to start, or zucchini. Boil them soft (you can just chuck it in a glass of conditioned water in the microwave for 2-5 minutes) and cut it into little bite sized pieces. If they don’t go for it right away, keep trying for a couple of days in a row. Eventually they’ll get hungry and warm up to it. Keep your plec occupied with something of his own to eat and feed the goldies at the other end of the tank to try and get them all a bit of something green to eat. 

Veggies high in carotenes are really good for enhancing color. So besides your obvious ones like carrot and sweet potato, that’s also going to be your dark leafy greens! If you can get your lil guys onto stuff like collard, spinach, chard, etc, that’ll definitely make a difference in their coloration :)

Gel foods are also a really good option for picky eaters. I’ve never heard of a goldfish that doesn’t like gel, seriously, they adore that shit. You can get premade mixes like Repashy, which you just mix up with some hot water and set in the fridge or freezer. Or you can make your own! Here’s some recipe ideas, or just google “goldfish gel food,” you can scale them waaaaay down if you want. I make pretty small batches that last a long time. And feel free to swap out ingredients too and experiment, or make up your own completely. Just stick to lean, low mercury seafood, and produce without too much sugar and you can mix and match as you please. The one in my freezer right now is mostly watercress and bok choy, a couple spoonfuls of NLS, some cloves of fresh garlic, spirulina, a few baby carrots, a bunch of gross string algae I scooped out of the snail tank, and a dash of paprika. The kids adore it.

Uhhhh let’s see, anything else? I treat with prazi once a year or so, preventative maintenance, like deworming your dog. Besides that I keep medicating to a minimum unless it’s really dire. Minor scrapes and bumps I leave be. Have pretty hard high pH water, usually around 8-8.2. No heater or chiller but the water temp stays low-mid 70s most of the time

I dunno, just plenty of love and attention! I redecorate their tank and make them little toys (try some sturdy nontoxic plastic beads threaded on fishing line, especially if you can find somewhere to wedge food in, enjoy the ensuing adorable) talk to them, draw on the glass...

I love them!!! So much!!!! I owe them my life many times over, that’s not an exaggeration at all. Seeing them in their new tank has really reminded me of how far they’ve come and how much they mean to me. I’m not always a perfect owner and there are times I fall down on their care, but they’re still fat and happy and I’m always trying to do better

[samtheflamingomain]

to care is human

Warning: gruesome descriptions of suicide methods.

So last night I tried to kill myself. Sometimes I wake up knowing it'll be that kind of day, sometimes it creeps up on me. This time was different.

I usually drink a shitload, eat a bunch of sleeping pills and then put a bag over my head and a belt around my neck. It's almost worked a few times, but I usually wake up with a hole in the bag and a terrible headache.

I can't really do that anymore; I can tell it's causing actual brain damage, and I also don't have more than a few sleeping pills at any given time because my psychiatrist instructed the pharmacy to give me my meds weekly.

I was alright until around 4 when I realized I'd be drinking and that it would make a solid week in a row of drinking. Add in the fact that I just put $1200 of cat surgery on my credit card, and by the time I was gulping down an entire bottle of wine in an hour, I couldn't stop thinking about all the things that stress me out. I have no money. I hate working. I have no parents. I can’t stop drinking. I have to start working more hours.

I didn't wait long enough after the wine before going to the bar. It was another few beers before it hit me HARD. It takes A LOT for me to feel drunk; I've gotten used to drinking 10 beers to feel tipsy, so I was surprised to be genuinely drunk. Wanting that to continue, I kept at ‘er.

This is a pretty odd story, and I don't remember everything that happened but here's a self-indulgently-long description of it anyway:

I go to the bar after the wine and have about 8 beers (they have a non-standard "mini-pitcher" you can buy, maybe the equivalent of like 3.5 beers?) and I'm talking to another regular who's been trying to get rid of her last kitten for a while. I've always loved this kitten and have considered taking him in for a while now.

So Fran says, "Hey, wanna come over and see him?" and drunk me was like "Fuck yeah, kitties!"

We take a cab to her place, I ogle some felines, then had to walk home. I'm guessing I left her place at around midnight. Why am I guessing? Wellll...

My phone was dead, as I discovered trying to figure out how to get home from her place. I had no idea where I was.

I live at the edge of a very large neighbourhood with a lot of winding, twisting roads. I walked for hours in the freezing cold, crying, stumbling over drunk. I remember laying in grass at some point(s?) and also concrete.

And I remember far too vividly crawling from the sidewalk out to the road and laying down.

I laid there for what felt like hours, screaming at approaching vehicles, "FUCKING KILL ME!" as I bawled my eyes out. None did. Obviously.

I remember distinctly being stood up by a paramedic and escorted into an ambulance. The first thing I said was, "Great, another $40 I can't afford."

I was barely able to give the paramedics answers. I don't remember getting out or how I ended up sleeping on a hospital bed in the mental illness waiting area.

I was woken up at 4 in the morning by a crisis worker. She said "sounds like you had a bad night?" No fuckin shit.

Well, I'm not new to this rodeo. I don't remember much of what was said, but she discharged me as soon as we were done. I have a horrible, infected scrape on my hand that is putting me out of commission at work for at least a week. I can hardly move my hand or lift anything. They tell me to go to a walk-in-clinic.

Buses don't start till 7 on weekends, so I went for my phone to call an Uber. And that’s when I discovered a shitty Android-shaped hole in my pocket.

That's right, for those of you keeping score at home, that's two, count 'em, TWO phones I've lost in the last 4 months! How will he lose the next one??? Vote NOW!!

Anyway, I call a cab from the hospital, get home at around 5, message my coworkers that I can't come in to work, then pass out till 10, the exact time I was supposed to start work. I fire up the ole' Book of Faces and find that the shift has been covered.

I go buy a new phone and (attempt) to go to a clinic for my hand. Literally every clinic in this city is closed because of the stupid long weekend. I was exhausted so I didn't bother going back to the hospital for a scrape.

Then something weird happened. I realized that people actually care. Let me explain.

I fucked up the schedule at work this week by having to take my cat to the vet on Tuesday. I felt HORRIBLE about missing another shift, especially two in one week, and especially because this time it was my own damn fault.

It gets worse. When I was told that the shift had been covered, I wasn't told that it was being covered by Rob, who closed last night (a 4-12 shift). Running on 3 hours of sleep, he came in at 10 and is still there now. He'll be there till 12 again.

So now I feel even more horrible. Dude is working 22 hours in 2 days because of me*.

*Not quite - I'll get to that in a bit.

Without a phone to call my best friend, I felt very lonely when I got home from the hospital. I was still able to talk to my other friend from the States, though, and this is an important difference.

When I try to kill myself and tell Connor after the fact, he rarely reacts. (If I'm on the phone threatening to do it he's much more involved and often talks me down). But with Danny instead, who was extremely worried, I finally felt like someone actually cared after the fact. 

Everyone will care before because death is scary. Few people care after because living is boring.

Danny wasn't the only one. I didn't realize it at the time because I was still a little out of it but when I told my coworker I wouldn't be able to come in, I told her why. I didn't mean to.

She was so understanding about it, told me not to worry, that I could come in for free food if I wanted.

Then, as I began posting on Facebook about my lovely evening, another coworker messaged me - Rob, the one who is a working machine and could probably work 24/7 if necessary. He said he was on a break at Tim Horton's and I should join him.

Kind of worried at this point; I've bailed on 2 shifts in one week, he's got seniority and I singlehandedly* forced him to work a close-to-open-to-close. *Not really. Again, in a minute. Be patient.

To my surprise we just talked, about what happened, about work, about life. At the end of his break he says to come hang out at work.

The concept of "hanging out" coming together with the concept of "work" had never really made much sense to me because I hate working. But I realized that I hate working, not the work itself, not the place and not the people.

So I go to work and... hang out. I try helping when I can but quickly realize my hand is going to be a problem, probably for a very long time. I can't lift much with it and I have a very limited range of motion; it wasn't just due to the scrape, it was also because I'd used it to break a fall. It's not the worst thing, but it does affect nearly every aspect of making pizzas.

Anyway, I shoot the shit with Alycia and Rob and Lily and nobody's mad at me and the store's a mess but it doesn't matter. *And that's when I'm told that 4 people are out of town, and the other morning person wouldn't message back or pick up the phone all day.* It wasn't completely my fault, so I felt a little better.

Then a few things happened.

First, Anthony showed up for his shift at 4. I really like Anthony: he's a hard worker, nice, funny and a little awkward in the same way that I am. Unfortunately, he only works one night a week, and I've only worked with him twice. He talks with Rob as they count the till and I assume Rob's telling him the reason the dough still hasn't been finished at 4pm (me).

Well, he didn't. I take my glove and bandage off my hand to redo it and he goes "Damn, what happened?" I say, "From last night."

"What happened last night?" 

I kind of stare at him for a minute. "Didn't Rob tell you?"

"No, what?"

"I tried to kill myself."

His face falls. I can tell he's starting to wear his awkward face. Many people react differently to this news based on relationship level and experience. When I told Danny, one of my closest friends, he was worried and upset. When I told Anthony, a work acquaintance I barely knew, he had a few moments of awkward "No, hey, that's no good, don't do that" before he suddenly opened his arms for a hug.

I'm a bad hugger. I usually just stand there as the other person does all the hugging. This is because my parents would only ever hug me when they were done yelling at me and had forced me to apologize for something I hadn’t done wrong.

I hugged him back, and I almost started crying. It was the first real hug I'd gotten probably in my entire life. By 'real' I mean for the hugger. He did the socially obligatory thing of pretending suicide isn't as serious as it is before he couldn't keep the charade up. That part of the reaction wasn't real. The hug was real.

Anyway. As Anthony arrives, Alycia leaves. As she's waiting by the door for her ride, she says lots of stuff people say to the suicidal, and also indicates that her boyfriend and herself have had their share of mental illness.

Then she tells me that her second cousin commited suicide. She says he did it because he thought no one would care. "It was sixteen years ago and the family has never been the same. People care. We would all care."

I'd heard it a thousand times before but never really believed it, either because it was being said by someone who probably wouldn't care after a week, or because it's said by someone who is socially obliged to at least pretend to care, so I assume they are just pretending.

But between Danny, a close friend but whom I've never met in person, and my coworkers, who, until now, I wouldn't have called friends at all, I feel like I've "realized" that people really do care.

Something I've never really felt before. Thanks, parents.

Anyway, long story, I know, but a happy-ish ending? Who knows. Still pretty fucking depressed but not suicidal. I don’t know if this will prevent me from trying again, but it might, and that’s better than nothing.

Stay Greater.

[youngk93]

GET TO KNOW DAY6

@generickpopurl said:I demand DAY6 info! (It took every ounce of self control I have not to quote Give It To Me but Agust D omfg)

SO YOU WANNA LEARN ABOUT DAY6?

*sighs* [Deeply inhales]

DAY6 started out back in 2014 as a group called 5Live consisting of 5 members: Sungjin, Jae, Wonpil, Youngk and Junhyeok.

look how tiny they were. look at them. look at the smalls.

Anyway, they released one song, slapped in a new member (Dowoon) and changed the name to Day6. They debut on September 7, 2015 with the song “Congratulations”, an angsty breakup song basically saying congrats you’re doing well without me. You moved on so quickly and look how happy you are while i’m suffering. Congrats you’re a bitch. 

Now let’s learn about the members~ shall we~~ 

SUNGJIN 

aka bob (a nickname by Jae, who said he looked like bob the builder)

Born in 1993, Sungjin is one of our core vocalists. He is the leader of Day6. Honestly, Sungjin is such a cinnamon roll, and a lovely human being. He takes care of the group and make sure everything goes smoothly. Dadliest catch, to be honest.

So pure, so clean, so good for your soul.

Whenever he gets stressed, or angry, his eyes get wide and he runs his hands through his hair a lot. Likes to be sarcastic and mocking, but deep down he’s a real sweetheart. 

He has three guitars named Atom, Baba and Baron. He has such a sweet voice, but when he speaks he has a Busan accent! Even moreso when he’s angry or talking to Dowoon, who is also from Busan. 

JAE

aka swegcicken aka chicken aka 

The eldest member of the group but often acts like he’s twelve. This is non-negotiable. He’s not someone to play pranks but he is funny at times. He’s a serious-type twelve year old. Very frequently has blonde hair, and is very tol.

Jae also hosts ASC every Tuesday with Jimin and Kevin. He is the most ‘Day6′ member of the group. 

Loves wearing glasses because he thinks his eyes are small. He also stated at one point that his mom had also suggested that he get eye surgery to make them bigger but expressed that he doesn’t want to. (thank God, I think his eyes are fine). 

Jae likes to make fun of Wonpil a lot for his clothing choices >___> but he’s a kind soul. mostly. Very meme-like. Has a weird outlook on love and is HIGHKEY every new fan’s favorite and a favorite among international fans because he speaks english. 

He just wants to eat lobster well, meanwhile he’s buying 300$ sunglasses and popping out the lenses to make regular glasses (shown above) AND HE BUYS 700% PINK SWEATERS JUST TO HAVE AS A PROP FOR HIS DISS TRACK. JAEHYUNG STOP. 

YOUNGK my boy :’)

aka brian aka burger king aka nobody calls him YoungK everybody calls him Brian and he doesn’t like it. The nickname stems from his old group 3rdDegree which was from his time in Toronto. (Where he met his BEST friend int he entire world Terry He)

(That’s Terry) 

YoungK and Jae used to fight sometimes due to misunderstandings, but YoungK is someone who will always say sorry first if he feels like he did something wrong. Absolutely selfless. 

He also writes every Day6 song Well, if you said the statement you wouldn’t be wrong, but has also written songs with Sungjin and Wonpil, but it’s always Youngk’s name slapped on a song. Apparently goes off and cranks out songs (even when they’re filming MVs this boy never stops) 

He never sleeps, eats even less, and still goes to college. He is the unstoppable man. THE PROBLEM WITH YOUNGK IS THAT, THROUGH ALL THAT I FEEL LIKE HE KNOWS HE’S SO GOODLOOKING. I FEEL LIKE HE JUST KNOWS WHAT KILLS US AND DOES IT ANYWAY. 

Used to wear bandannas a lot, and there was a point in the timeline where he wore chokers before the rest of the members and killed us all dead in our tracks. He is my sweetheart. Also, Youngk has stated that he wants to color his hair every color before returning to his normal black hair. I approve. 

YoungK plays the bass, but that’s because Jae got the part for guitar like he wanted. TBH YoungK has played a ton of instruments, it seems to come naturally for him. This kind of man needs to be stopped. 

He LOVes to eat and doesn’t even stop when singing. 

His vocal range goes from deep in the abyss to the high heavens and every buttery note in between. There is not stopping him.

Also, Youngk has a very stone exterior, especially when the group is making jokes and everyone (incl me) is laughing so hard and he’s just :| (start at 21:50 for that one) EXCEPT THAT ONE TIME THAT SUNGJIN MADE A SEXUAL JOKE AND YOUNGK STARTED SCREAMING AND TRIED TO COVER BY SAYING HE WAS SCREAMING ABOUT THE FOOD BUT YOU AIN’T FOOLING ME. 45:58. even sungjin says “is this too sexual?” (with his mouth full of all things)

YoungK is the president of the Dowoon fanclub.

WONPIL 

huehue the man that you like, right? 

aka Little Pencil (a play on his name), Sharkman (give by jae wth), 왕피리 (a nickname given by Youngk meaning King Pi-ri) and 피리미리 (a nickname he... gave to himself. he used to say things like 피리미리 is hungry~~)

Wonpil is 100% pure sunshine and 100% sin and takes no prisoners. 

I’ve noticed that Wonpil kind of acts like he’s drunk a lot, he’s very happy-go-lucky and is the energy pil of the group. If you excuse the pun.

 he has also started wearing chokers recently. 

Firsthand account: at the SAME concert, he both cried because he was so happy, shouting “I really didn’t want to cry!” and then a song later was grinding on our makne. Let that sink in for a little bit. 

the aegyo from this boy is deadly. (28:37) be warned this is so deadly. i’m telliNG YOU I’M TRYING TO WARN YOU ABOUT THIS

This entire video, Wonpil just kind of sings but he looks drunk. That’s pretty normal. 

Wonpil might not be the aegyo king (see youngk about that) but he’s pretty cute on a normal basis! (youngk is more fanservice, but wonpil is just... always cute?) But always deadly. I have another personal acct where he just... moans in the middle of a song... on purpose... and the members were not even prepared... but then they made it a thing... ㄷㄷㄷㄷㄷ

Wonpil has some killer vocals and plays both piano and synth.

Wonpil also unbashedly loves dowoon to the moon and back but dowoon will deny him every single time (meanwhile letting YoungK sit on his lap multiple times lol)

DOWOON

our other Busan man who Youngk described as the ‘true leader’ of Day6 due to his essential role as the drummer! Dowoon is the youngest of the group and an accidental walking meme. Too pure for his own good and yet tainted by his hyungs. Apparently he is a sarcastic bastard backstage but onstage he is cute and fluffy until he started wearing chokers and see through shirts then it all went to hell in a handbasket from there

best face. 

Dowoon... i love him. everybody loves him. he gets the most cheers in the concerts because everyone cheers for their bias then cheers again and extra loud for Dowoon! he is so cute and so ㄷㄷ not cute, very over the top sometimes. lowkey savage. I don’t have much to say about him honestly, because he keeps his personality pretty lowkey onstage. 

He doesn’t sing in the band, but has been taking vocal lessons so come May we can expect him to be singing a few lines. Fingers crossed!

Former member Junhyeok left the group in February of 2016. The ‘statement’ given said it was because he was in a relationship with a fan but i think my former neighbor doesn’t like all the cameras and lights of fame. He later signed on with a smaller group Windfall, which may have changed their name to BeBlossom, which is his current band. (I say may have because I’m not sure if they did, or if BeBlossom is an entirely new band). He and wonpil used to get along very well! 

DAY6 THEN RELEASED LETTING GO. WHICH EVERYONE THINKS IS AN HOMAGE TO JUNHYEOK AND IT MIGHT BE BUT WE DON’T KNOW WE WERE ALL CRYING ANYWAY.

January gave us "I Wait" which is arguably ROCK. This became an Anime opening meme. Look it up. It's everywhere. It works. I love it. B side track was called "Winter is Gone" and it was SO SAD. TEARS. TEARS EVERYWHERE. MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

February gave us "You Were Beautiful" And in the storyline we return to the same couple from Congratulations, in which it oozes feels and tears. Tissues necessary. Nobody was expecting it. B side was called "My Day" and YoungK said he wrote it about a girl he liked and it is the cutest song on earth.

THIS MONTH, we were hit with "How Can I Say?" which is another hard rock sound that only got approved a week before it was set to come out JYP stoP STRESSING DAY6 OUT LIKE THIS STOP IT.

B side's track was called....... what is english... 그럴텐데..... another sad song. They just know how to hit your feels every month istg

January was " I don't really love you anymore..." February was "Our memories were good..." March is "Ha~~ I don't love you anymore sorry not sorry byeee"

LISTEN. LISTEN.

SOMEHOW DAY6 KEEPS OUTDOING THEMSELVES EACH MONTH. YOU THINK YESS THIS IS THE MONTH TO BE THE BEST BUT THEN NEXT MONTH COMES OUT AND YOU'RE LIKE ??? BUT HOW?? IS THIS BETTER THAN LAST MONTH??? YOUNGK HOW DO YOU DO IT??

This is Day6. Any questions feel free to ask!

[anawrecksyou-blog1]

a message to my flatmates

tomorrow I go back to university, I’m excited to go back, but also terrified. my ED is a million times worse at uni. it’s not the only reason; but I think it’s easier at home because, at home my eating disorder is - almost - a secret. and I’m prepared to work hard to keep it that way. I don’t have this motivation at uni, all three people that I live with know. I wish more than anything that they didn’t. nevertheless they are all brilliant with it - I cannot fault them. 

however, they don’t understand. this is not their fault - they’ve all tried to. but I can’t talk about my ED without sobbing, getting worked up and saying all of the wrong things. so I’m gonna write down what I wish I could say to them. the whole truth. I’ll probably never show this to them, but it’ll be nice and therapeutic to get it all of my chest.

~~~

to Lucy, Dan and Teddy

I will start with an apology. I am so sorry for bringing this into your lives; sorry for every time I have cried on your shoulders, sorry for all the worry, and sorry for all the lies. there were a lot of lies. especially first year.

‘I ate dinner’ ‘I’ve not been sick’ ‘’I’ve got no more diet pills’ and the biggest one: ‘I’m trying to recover.’ 

1st year I did nothing to fight my ED. why would I? my ED was my best friend. I never felt good enough, and my ED offered me a way to cope with this. here’s why:

I have never felt smart, pretty or even vaguely likeable in any way. the only good quality I never doubt is skinny - so I needed to be flawlessly fat free. it was all I had to feel good about.

the less I eat, the lighter and freer I feel - the starvation high. when I feel this way, all my other worries melt away

I like punishing myself. when I do something wrong, I feel like I can repent by starving myself - it shows how sorry I am. I don’t feel worthy of food, I feel I’m doing the right thing by depriving my body. which is way I have to ask that you always let me repay my debts - even if you think I owe you nothing - because if not the guilt will eat at me, and I will eat nothing.

1st year I wanted anorexia an bulimia. the advantages shone so brightly to me. I never cared about the dangerous effects it was all having on my health. I wasn’t bothered in the slightest that I was always exhausted - to the point where I would need to lie down after climbing the stairs to our flat. I gave zero shits about my constant lightheadedness - which meant that I’d sit on the sofa with you and I wouldn’t be able to focus on what you were saying.. sometimes I couldn’t even see or hear you. and I wasn’t even massively worried when you found me unconscious on my bedroom floor. I was more stressed about the implications for you guys than I was for myself - I didn’t want you to worry about me. that is just how little I cared about myself - as long as I was getting thinner, nothing else mattered. 

over the summer things picked up. mum placed meals in front of me and I can’t disappoint her. I have less to worry about at home. I feel valued and important. I categorically know that my mum and sister would never think me fat. I know people like me there. so I managed to cut down my ED behaviours and cope with just diet pills. one before and one after eating. I got through a pack of 150 (which should last 150 days) in six weeks. by the end of summer I’d cut it down to only taking pills when I was desperate. I figured my ED had ended. but I was wrong. I never fixed my eating disorder, I never tackled it, I just hid from it for a bit. it was still waiting for me. 

last semester things were tough. but there was one big change from first year - I wanted recovery. the strains of the lifestyle - after being lifted from me for a few months - suddenly seemed overwhelming and unnecessary. last year I was crying myself to sleep because I was fat and worthless - now I cry myself to to sleep because I have an eating disorder. I always knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I wasn’t aware of just how tough it was:

before I only got out of bed because I promised myself ‘you don’t need to eat today’ but now I have to say ‘somehow today, you’ll need to have some food’ it’s a battle to get out of bed

before it was ‘how will I skip dinner’ which is simple; just don’t eat. but now it’s ‘how am I going to eat tonight’ which is an impossibly difficult question; what will I eat, when will I eat, how will I make sure no one sees, how will I keep it down? it’s a battle to have dinner

before it was natural to be sick - I was good at it. now after eating I instantly feel sick, but can’t let myself eliviate the feeling. it’s a battle to stay out of the bathroom

before I had my ED to give me confidence, now I have none. it’s a battle to leave my bedroom

and it’s all exhausting. nevertheless, it’s necessary and unavoidable, I have to go through this. I will come out the other side. I’ve made more progress than you guys realise. it was so easy to hide it from you last year, but now we live in a house with thin walls and shared bathrooms. last year I ate 2/3 times a week, threw up 4/5 times, popped way too many diet pills and consumed my body weight in alcohol most nights. this year I’ve been eating almost every day and I’ve only thrown up seven times. my successes are quiet, whereas my failures are loud - you only notice when I mess up - but I promise I’m having more successes than failures. I’m feeling relatively optimistic actually. I have a plan:

plan meals and actually go food shopping - I went three times last semester for a proper food shop, this is not enough

follow said meal plan, and stick it on my bedroom wall so I can’t avoid it

never drink on an empty stomach

destroy the laxatives

after eating, avoid being alone - even if I just sit in the living room in silence with you guys

but equally, leave the room when I feel uncomfortable

stop trying to hide when I’m eating - it’s not needed and makes the ordeal 100% more stressful

stop buying tiny sized clothes

open my eyes to the fact that I actually have loads and loads of friends in Aber, I don’t need anorexia and bulimia to be my friends too

ask for help when I need it

and acting upon number ten; here are some little things you could - only if you don’t mind of course - do to help me:

never tell me I’m skinny, even if I’m screaming at you that I’m fat - unless you use the term ‘anorexically thin’ I won’t think I’m thin enough, I’ll pick up that you’re paying attention to my waistline and that’s motivation to lose weight

please avoid me when I’m cooking. I worry that if you see me eating then you’ll think I’m lying about having an eating disorder. I don’t want what happened to Becca to happen to me

if I come and sit in the living room after having obviously been crying, don’t ask. if I’ve come downstairs then I want a distraction

let me apologise to you and never let me be in your debt. the guilt will get at me too badly

if you hear me crying, leave me alone. as much as I desperately want someone to help me, in the long run it is not productive you coming in and telling me that it’s fine. it’s not fine. and I won’t get better as long as I have you telling me this. you’re saying exactly what I need to hear in the moment, but when you tell me it’s okay, I’ll do it again. I’m beyond grateful that you’ve come to help me, but I need recovery motivation right now, so unless you’re going to come into my room and scream at me that anorexia will kill me, please leave me alone

when I’m being sick, give me space. I’m already beyond ashamed, I don’t need to feel embarrassed as well. again don’t try and comfort me. comfort me and I’ll do it again. although maybe drop me a message just to tell me that you’ve heard it, I don’t wanna get it in my head that you guys don’t hear me

Dan, keep with our little plan. it is working well. I trust your judgement as to whether you think I should have them, so maybe start being a little stricter with me. only when you think it’ll actually help me eat

other than that, treat me completely normally

I’m going to finish with a thank you. I could never express into words how unbelievably grateful I am to all of you. without you guys I know that my ED would be so much worse, because although I never do talk to you about it, it is so reassuring to know that I could. please never think I take you for granted. I dunno what happens next, but I’m aware that I have a serious problem, and for the first time in my life, I am serious about beating this.