#i wanna kms bc nothing in my life is ok

[faaun]

lmao looking at her insta highlights was a mistake

[bunnihearted]

hmm i like actually wanna kms

[rrcenic]

sorry for posting so much about the neil gaiman thing im very opinionated but heres my general take on neil gaiman (TW FOR S/A AND SU1C1D3!!!!)

good omens fandom please read this. yall need it

i wanna start with: believe victims. it might not be as bad as it was claimed to be bc the reporter was an anti bdsm terf who considers all bdsm 🍇 (including the bdsm w neil), but there was still clearly manipulation, weaponized power imbalance, and dubious consent. even if it wasnt s/a, it was fucked up. neil did some fucked up things

while we dont know if he actually s/ad those women, neil gaiman is clearly flawed

ive seen time and time again that his fans (specifically the good omens fandom) can get so viciously defensive of him that they refuse to see any flaws he has

as someone who was ruthlessly attacked because of neil, i hesitate to give him the benefit of the doub

when i had just turned 13, id just gotten on tumblr. i was thrilled that good omens season 2 was coming out. i was even more thrilled to see neil gaiman on tumblr. so i sent him an ask where i asked if crowley and aziraphale would kiss. i get why that was annoying. he probably got those asks all the time. but i worded it respectfully, and i was genuinely unaware that he was annoyed by this question

he responded to my ask with a multi paragraph callout post talking about how sick of this question he was. harsh, but not necessarily nefarious

the response wasnt the problem. it was that i got so many hate comments and death threats and people telling me i didnt deserve joy and i was ruining neils life and so many fucking anon "kys" asks that i had to quit tumblr. i tried to apologize to neil, i sent him countless apology asks where i begged him to ask people to stop cyber bullying me, but he never responded. it took years before i was able to communicate to him all the hate id received. his response was a basic "sorry for the miscommunication" and that he wished there was a way to convey tone on the internet (someone said "there is! tonetags!!" and he responded with "i dont like those"). the SAME COMMUNITY who told me to kms was suddenly saying "oh neil your such a saint" (THE TERM SAINT WAS USED MULTIPLE TIMES!!!!!) and "this poor ignorant child"

i was a kid and i was bullied off the internet and neil didnt respond to my pleas for forgiveness for almost 2 years. i was also in the most unstable time of my life. i was EXTREMELY suicidal. people telling me to kms deeply affected me

plus he reblogs a ton of "vote blue no matter who" stuff. i dont agree w that statement but i think its okay for people to say if they actively support palestine. but neil gaiman doesnt post about palestine ever other than reblogging posts that say "sure maybe the stuff in palestine is bad but if you dont support biden 100% democracy will crumble!!!" also im pretty sure he never apologized for some older zionist posts

ive seen a lot of stuff where people are saying "hey shhh its okay i see good omens fans getting sad bc of the stuff with neil but its ok!! youre still a good person even if you ignore this issue!!" and like. huh??? i dont think ignoring it makes you evil but its certainly fucked up to not be critical of the media you consume. pretending nothings going on is immature. you all sound like jk rowling fans smh

his general attitude towards fans makes me uncomfortable. ive seen people bare their souls in his asks (all of them start with something along the lines of "oh sir mister gaiman sir i am nothing but a disgusting peon compared to you you saved my life id die for you!!!") and he gives rude cold responses. i mean of course he gets annoyed and of course he gets spam but no one is forcing him to respond to asks. he doesnt seem to care very much??? this doesnt make him a bad person ofcourse but it does give me the ick

summary: even if he didnt s/a those women his fans need to grow up. he is not a pure perfect person. he might not be evil but he makes some extremely damaging choices. hes not a saint and never has been. at the end of the day, hes a rich cishet white man

[commoncorps3]

lol im not sure my mental and physical health has ever been this bad.

im kinda suicidal again instead of just being numb, empty, and having depersonalization/derealization but I don’t even know who to tell. my friends are probably getting overwhelmed with me/tired of me doing so bad all the time. it’s gotta be a real bummer. can’t tell my family bc they freak out or the complete opposite just tell me it’s gonna be ok. my girlfriend has DID and hasn’t fronted in several days because she’s been having a hard time mentally and physically so one of her alters (who I am not dating) has been in control. this alter doesn’t really talk to me nearly as much as my gf usually does so my bpd (and general shit mental health atm) is having a fucking field day with that. i miss her a lot. Unrelated to her but I don’t sleep or eat enough. my house is disgusting and I can’t get myself to clean it. the stupid lexapro my psych made me try gave me so many fucking side effects and I stopped taking it days ago and I’m still having the worst fucking time. i have so many bruises and scabs from how bad my skin picking has gotten from the medicine. my jaw hurts so bad bc the med made me start clenching it/gritting my teeth all the time now. my teeth feel so weak and sensitive like I’m scared they’re gonna fucking break into pieces when I eat. my acne got worse too but idk if that’s bc of the medicine or bc my hormones are crazy OR bc I’ve been on my period for basically two months at this point. i have sores on my tongue that are painful and overstimulating just to feel and i want to bite them off or something. my wisdom teeth are hurting too. im so tired. I have no excitement. im just detached from life. I’m not enjoying anything. people’s concern for me is not even fucking hitting me like it should be. I’ll be like “I want to kms” and they’ll be like “holy shit I’m worried about you i love you don’t die” and I’m just like “🤷”. it’s very frustrating. everyday feels like a shitty dream. but i never wake up. ive barely even been listening to music. which is fucking wild for me. I just listen to YouTube at work. and it’s mostly like videos on disturbing/scary shit lately. like shit I’ve barely even touched before the last few weeks. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so interested in really fucked up stuff but nothing else hits the same. I guess I subconsciously just wanna feel something. so fear and discomfort is my go-to. I’m always in pain. I have the desire to abuse drugs or drink or SOMETHING to make myself feel better. but I still really don’t even do that. oh yeah and I relapsed twice this week. once wasn’t that bad but the second time was pretty fucking rough. it’s even worse bc I literally broke apart someone’s fucking shaving razor at my friend’s house and used one of the blades. then had to wake my friend up bc the cuts wouldn’t stop bleeding. I need serious help. I don’t want to be hospitalized though. I did that earlier this year and it was a complete waste of time. I wish I could just die. I’m so tired of pushing through this hell. And I can’t help but think “well i guess it could be worse” which is true but also every time I think that something else happens. I want out. Please. I wish I had the fucking balls to kill myself like ive wanted to for the past like 12 years. No one can help me. I can’t even help me. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I take the medicine. I go to therapy. I reach out to loved ones for help. I try to live my life. But it’s not fucking working. I’m so miserable.

[mightybeaujester]

In the last 2 weeks, 2 doctors told me that maybe my adhd-meds surpressing my appetite isn't a bad thing - one of them being a Gastroenterologist who I'm going to to figure out what's wrong with my body, with one symptom being that I don't lose weight, no matter what or how much I eat.

Love being fat and wanting healthcare.

[sarahisslytherin]

Ok so like one of my friends is probably breaking off friendship w/ me bc of the fact that I draw hp fanart & read hp fanfics, despite the fact that I do not in any way support j*r & that I'm just in the fandom cause I find it pretty cool.. I've even stopped buying the official hp merch.. she also knows that im a staunch supporter of the lgbtqia+ community (also that I'm a part of it) but she thinks that I should give up hp completely & read pjo or something more progressive.. I've read pjo & it's good but frankly I didn't enjoy it much.. these fanfics/ characters literally have saved my life when I felt like kms a few years back... I've been reading fanfics and drawing fanart since I was like 11 when I first read hp & giving up what I love, which is so close to me, to completely leave the fandom, is unfathomable but also i don't really wanna break the friendship.. I can't pick one, but the fact that I have to let one go in time is heartbreaking.. she'll probably break it off anyways.. idk what to do tbh.. sorry 4 this huge rant tho..

ok honey let me process this real quick. this is my personal opinion but i would advise you to drop the friendship or let your friend end it like you think she is planning to. first of all, the whole hp/jkr thing. i've spoken about this before and i believe that you can enjoy the work someone has created without supporting that person's principles or political views. i mean, you read these books, watched these movies, fell in love with these characters and just because the author decides to tweet transphobic bs suddenly you have to drop it? i will never get that, you do you and keep making hp fanfic and fanart for as long as you still enjoy it.

second of all and more concerningly, this person has no right to tell you what you can or cannot do, whether she does so implicitly or explicitly. if your friendship is conditional to her, and she is willing to end it over something as silly as this then i can assure you you will be better off without her. her being your friend should have nothing to do with what fandoms you enjoy, like come on? you can support the lgbtq community and still enjoy harry potter, a literal work of fiction. you are not a jk rowling stan, nobody is lmao. in conclusion, she should not be controlling you and if your friendship is contingent i think you can afford to let this person go. this is all just my opinion but i hope this helps you out a bit, and feel free to vent here hon, it’s no bother at all.

[isa-ah]

I'm sorry to hear your mom was being frustrating, would it be okay to ask what happened? 🥺

god there's so much like... context i was raised by my grandparents who are dead now, then by my abusive aunt that my mom's tried repeatedly to make me get back in touch with, my aunt outed me as trans and my mom wouldn't look me in the eye or be alone with me after, tried to KMS a couple times and my mom didnt care, then I left for a couple years, came back into town and my mom cried a bunch and was RLLY set on "being in my life finally" so.

we started doing weekly dinners where me and my fiance would go over and wed chat and have family time which was. strained. bc she's a bigot christian and we're queer. but we tried to get thru it til she made a r*pe joke about lil nas x mixed in w some other racist anecdote and we noped out. I texted her later like hey smtn you said made us rlly uncomfortable, y'know trying to open communication, and her response was basically ok bye. and she stopped talking to us for weeks thereafter and wordlessly cancelled family dinner. (she also vagued about me on facebook that night... lol?)

she eventually got bored and was like wanna hang out :) and swept it all under the rug so we were like fine sure and it was. strained! again! until we finally left for a different state, after which I was texting w her when I accidentally butt recorded an audio message where lo and I were discussing her bigotry in the most mild terms. like mild ok. and her response was as if I'd thrown her down in the streets to draw and quarter her.

she was like i feel sick i need space i need to think now that uve told me what u rlly think (after which she blocked my fiance on facebook and posted a meme about being challenged by satan lol) so i, again put in the position of trying to be the adult, was like do you want to talk about it? after which she left me on read for like two months.

i was like whatever i don't need to address her to talk to the boys so i texted my baby brothers today to ask if they want to hop a state over and stay with us for a weekend to go apple picking & then suddenly, miraculously, she texted back out of the blue (lol...) and it was some shit like i see now that we disagree on essential truths and it's always going to be stressful but I... I will overcome it... and try to find a way to love you anyway..... ur welcome lol <3

which I. just. have. nothing to say to like I really don't. im going to leave her on read bc none of this resolves anything & she won't have the hard conversations. im sick of it. "essential truths..." yeah mom i don't think brown people should be in cages and queers should be sent to the glue factory FUCK don't treat me like IM lucky to be forgiven. she only texted me back because i got in touch with my brother anyway. fuck dude

[sakuramotion]

hello u guys!! <3 [crickets] i've been inactive bc a lot of fucking annoying shit happened [crickets] anyway good news is i'm done with the semester i'm done with college i'm no longer a student omg??? only took me forever <3 (the third try was a success!! luv to see it) (yes i dropped out of college twice and was kinda scared i was not gonna make it this time but i! did! it) (now i'm like broke) but anyways so guess who got tested positive for covid? my fucking flat ass,,, BUT you know what's actually worse? i got it because my mom got sick with it she got me so worried!!!!! like the first days she started to feel sick she was like i'm gonna stay in my room ok but my sister and i were like nah she probably just has the flu but then she went and got tested and had to wait for the results and on the day of the results i woke up with a sore throat but was like really mild and i was like ok.... probably nothing serious! and then my mom got the results and she was positive and the next day my throat really hurt and i think i had a fever so i took a pill slept it off and the next morning i was fine like i swear like nothing had happened!! but my mom was like yall need to go and get tested now so we went and we did the antigens one so very quickly we got the results and... well i was positive my sister was negative. and there i was like great! like worst timing ever bc my depression and my bpd issues and all the fucking mental shit i have to deal with has been Really Bad and then i got that shit just when i thought i had found a job and stuff with uni was going on and i had just seen my boyfriend like couple days ago and i was so scared omg i was like if he gets sick because of me i'll kms and then i started reading all these articles and they were like awful like awful stories with the same message: you! are! going! to die! but first you will suffer and if you don't die you will suffer forever! and i was like jfc ain't that life anyways like yea i wanna kms every day but i don't wanna go bc of some fucking ass virus.... honestly i got so scared not for me but for my mom!!!!!! bc after she got her results she started to feel Really Bad like the whole thing happened to her coughing loss of taste and smell body ache she had no strength she was sleeping all the time and i saw her only a couple of times bc she was really staying in her room and she looked so bad and god,,,, to see your mom like that! my mom!!! my mom has always way more energy than me and to see her like that christ i cried like a baby for two days i was so scared and then i wanted my bf to be with me but ofc he couldn't bc i needed to isolate as well and my dad! my dad texted me what was your result? and i texted back positive and HE left me on read,,,, like ok!! daddy issues explained,,,,, he texted me like 3 days later to asked how i was feeling like ok what if i had died.... but anyways ,,,, so there i was worrying abt my mom and waiting for the symptoms to really hit me but nothing happened to me like after those two days before i got tested nothing else happened except for like coughing here and there and a stuffy nose for a couple of days so i guess even tho i'm not fully vaccinated yet bc i got the first dose on july,,, that must've helped a lot bc thanfully i didn't get sick like my mom i didn't feel anything more but also very thankful my mom recovered completely after a week and a half and here she is back to her normal self!! i'm so excited this is finally over for us and i get to finally see my boyfriend soon like omg i missed him so much i needed him so much like i hug almost nobody but that man!! i hug him so much so often and i miss doing it i need to do it i can't wait <3 happy ending for us happy and thankful it ended like this!! [crickets] anyway don't forget to wear ur fucking masks wash ur hands!!!! and get vaccinated!!! srsly ppl be careful!!

[borom1r]

uhh for those f/o asks: all of them for both roger & doug!! (& lawrence but only if you want to! I know that's probably a lot hfjdksks)

NOOOOOO I WAS SO CLOSE TO DONE W THIS AND TUMBLR FUCKING. FROZE AND I LOST EVERYTHING KMS. ok here. we go again. (also skdjshfjk no F/O ask is ever too long i love them all So much!)

ROGER—

1) what’s a Hot Take you have about your f/o?

Everything That Happened To Him Was Tony's Fault.

2) on what do you disagree with other fans of your f/o?

sjkdfhks nothing bc there are like. 3 and a half LTTC fans.

3) did you used to ship your f/o with anyone before realizing you wanted to ship them with yourself?

no?? sjhfksd

4) do you feel like you have to defend your f/o all the time?

YES. that is my babygirl that is my PRINCESS i will fight and die by his side.

5) what’s the dumbest thing you’ve heard about your f/o, either on the internet or irl?

idk bcuz everyone besides you n Seb that ive seen who likes this movie is only there to fuck Martin Sheen. this is a blessing and a curse. no stupid takes abt Roger but no content either.

6) what are some tropes that fan art of your f/o tends to follow?

NONE. BC THERE IS NONE. (but Seb said hed make me a Roger dakimakura so do w that info what u will)

7) did your f/o deserve better?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8) do you even like the source your f/o comes from or do you only watch it for them & nothing else?

i have a love/hate relationship bc Tony Towers is a piece of shit. but also its a cute movie that makes me laugh

9) do you distance yourself from other fans of your f/o or their source?

What Other Fans?

10) how did you feel when you realized “oh of course i had to like That Character”?

skjdfhsdfj it was just like. Ah. Of Course The Most Pathetic Little Man Is My New Boyfriend. (affectionate)

11) do you think it’s better to have a copious amount of content for your f/o, even with the risk of finding a lot of ship art, or better to have a lot less?

idrc bc i don't generally get upset abt ship art! and i ship my F/Os with other characters too so i don't get jealous or anything. its a double edged sword of "more popularity=more content but also more rancid fucking takes" so.

12) aren’t you tired of being nice? this is an excuse to rant.

I HATE TONY TOWERS TONY TOWERS IS A PIECE OF SHIT AND EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO ROGER IS DIRECTLY TONY'S FAULT. fr Roger went from being moderately successful n happy to being EXTREMELY successful. to fucking committing suicide. ALL because of Tony fucking with time!!!! if Tony had just been mature and humble and actually COMMUNICATED that he needed help nothing would've happened Roger would've had a happy life!!!! but instead Tony fucks with the timeline More and More and i dont wanna be like "he's directly responsible for his brother's suicide" bc that's a shitty thing to say except him screwing with the past is literally directly responsible for Roger getting into fights, starting to drink, getting arrested, getting into a toxic relationship, and fucking committing suicide!!!!!!!!! chomping and biting.

DOUG—

1) what’s a Hot Take you have about your f/o?

ummmm none?? i thinkwe're all generally in agreement tht hes just. a sweetheart

2) on what do you disagree with other fans of your f/o?

nothing?? hes just a little guy!

3) did you used to ship your f/o with anyone before realizing you wanted to ship them with yourself?

mm nah,, i think he's close w everyone else but there was no one i rlly shipped him with!

4) do you feel like you have to defend your f/o all the time?

nahh! he's got terminal lil guy syndrome which m very glad for

5) what’s the dumbest thing you’ve heard about your f/o, either on the internet or irl?

nothin??? do ppl say bad things abt Doug? shdfjsfd

6) what are some tropes that fan art of your f/o tends to follow?

everyone draws the "im wearing gloves" scene bsdjkfhds

7) did your f/o deserve better?

uhh nah!! he's just a strange off-putting dude w a group of friends who care a lot abt him! thats his best case scenario i think

8) do you even like the source your f/o comes from or do you only watch it for them & nothing else?

YES. I LOVE COOTIES

9) do you distance yourself from other fans of your f/o or their source?

uhh yea bc of the overlap w/ SAW fans im pretty nervous to interact w/ anyone im not already mutuals with....

10) how did you feel when you realized “oh of course i had to like That Character”?

SBDJFHLJSDF SO EXCITED!! SAME AUTISM.

11) do you think it’s better to have a copious amount of content for your f/o, even with the risk of finding a lot of ship art, or better to have a lot less?

uhhh idrc bc i don't interact w/ it anyways (see SAW fandom overlap)

12) aren’t you tired of being nice? this is an excuse to rant.

I DONT HAVE ANYTHING BAD TO SAY M JUST SO HAPPY LEIGH CONFIRMED DOUG IS CANON AUTISTIC!!!!! SDFLSJFSLKDF HE'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANNA SEE FROM AUTISTIC CHARACTERS EVERY TIME I WATCH COOTIES I JUST:

LAWRENCE—

1) what’s a Hot Take you have about your f/o?

It Is Actually Narratively Fulfilling For Lawrence To Become A Disciple + Makes Complete Sense

2) on what do you disagree with other fans of your f/o?

that he's. a bad father/a bad person in general ig?

3) did you used to ship your f/o with anyone before realizing you wanted to ship them with yourself?

Uh Yeah Obviously (points @ the fuck-off big SAW polycule)

4) do you feel like you have to defend your f/o all the time?

not ALL the time but like... a lil bit.

5) what’s the dumbest thing you’ve heard about your f/o, either on the internet or irl?

if i see bad Lawrence takes i block on sight + clear them from my mind so i dont have any examples sbsjhdfsd

6) what are some tropes that fan art of your f/o tends to follow?

Adam ghost guilt art. y'know

7) did your f/o deserve better?

YES. RIPPING JOHN KRAMER'S THROAT OUT WITH MY TEETH.

8) do you even like the source your f/o comes from or do you only watch it for them & nothing else?

YES VERY MUCH SAW IS.

9) do you distance yourself from other fans of your f/o or their source?

YES i do not. like the SAW fandom. ive jokingly talked abt it but i literally do have an ongoing SAW blocklist tht ive shared w/ one friend that's abt 1/3 petty reasons + 2/3 people who were directly antagonistic/vagued me/sent me death threats on my old blog.

10) how did you feel when you realized “oh of course i had to like That Character”?

s(me every time i look @ lawrence)

11) do you think it’s better to have a copious amount of content for your f/o, even with the risk of finding a lot of ship art, or better to have a lot less?

same as my answer for Doug; idc bc i dont interact w/ it outside of a small trusted circle

12) aren’t you tired of being nice? this is an excuse to rant.

while ill die on the hill that Lawrence becoming a disciple was the best decision for his character given Adam's death + what little we know about John and how he handles survivors that he was directly taking revenge on ("it can't be personal" shut the fuck up John *holding Amanda and Lawrence like Jake Gyllenhaal holds ferrets + shoving them in his face*), i will ALSO die on the hill that he's like. not directly to blame for what happened. like did he do awful things? is he the reason Lynn was chosen + inevitably died? yes. but we see that he's a fundamentally caring person (starting the survivor's group) through it all and like. He Was Brainwashed Into A Murder Cult And Made Physically Dependent On John Via A Prosthesis That Is Literally Just A Torture Device (when combined with his improperly-healed residual limb). while i love ghost!Adam content, like. not to be openly Adam Kinnie On Main but i wldn't HAUNT him. im haunting Mandy and John and DEFINITELY Hoffman (me n Eric are tag-teaming his ass) but Lawrence i am sitting gently on the edge of the bed and making sure his pillow is always cool.

[bunnihearted]

it lowkey sucks that always when i wanna kms, actually kms, and have to fight to not do it, i never have anyone to reach out to. i have no one to ask for help or to talk to me for a while. even if i did no one would reply or care enough to talk with me and if i did kms they'd just be like oh damn whatever now that bitch is out of my life. like idk but being someone who no one cares enough about to sit with or "talk down" or say anything to make me know they care and want me to live kinda sucks. just a little bit. only the tiniest amount. but i mean this only makes me realize im all on my own and i can survive anything bc im used to being the only one there for me in my darkest moments and nobody ever comforts me or holds me or supports me, no one ever holds me up. im so fucking weak yet im stronger than most people because i always have to hold my own fucking hand and be the only one there to stop me from killing myself. anyway sometimes i do be feeling like i wish i wish so badly someone could just fucking care about me and tell me to not kms and to tell me that they care about me and want me to live but since im nothing but a burden and a bother to everyone no one says that to me. everyone wants me to kms so they can get rid of me and be free of my whining. which is so unfair bc i never bother ppl with this. i suck it up and swallow it and i never tell anyone close to me how much im suffering and i never bother them and tell them to comfort me and i never say "im gonna kms pls stop me". i would never bother anyone. when i kms i'll do it in silence and never ever burden anyone with stopping me or caring about me. so it's unfair that no one wants to hear me whining because i never whine to anyone. rather i pretend to be positive so i wont bring them down with my misery. i just fantasize about someone saying no pls dont kys i want u to live i care abt u im here for u and i want them to talk to me and not dare to leave until i've calmed down. i want someone to show me they care. but i know im a burden so i'd never ask it of someone. if someone did i'd just feel bad for being so worthless and hurting them. but oh do i fantasize about someone being worried about me and wanting to take care of me and wanting to talk to me and comfort me and keep doing it until they've made sure im ok. lmao.

[ggukminii]

Tag Games Masterpost! ✨

♐️  Zodiac Sign tag!

tagged by @calicooky @jiminslight @euphhorias thank you babies!! 💜

Sagittarius: Teal or Purple. Topaz or Turquoise. Dandelion or Daffodil. Ginseng or Cilantro. Horse or Stag/Buck. Plane ride or Road trip. Learn Hindi or Learn Japanese. Ginger or Wasabi. Climbing or Snowboarding. Teleportation or Super Speed. Carnival or Circus. Sake or Tequila. Duffel Bags or Suitcases. Time Manipulation or Basic Precognition. Tambourine or Triangle. Backpacking or Whitewater rafting. Aquarius or Libra.

.

📝  Quiz Game

ty @calicooky and @jkjms 🥺

you're fierce, courageous and intelligent.

you have an electric smile and there's something magical about your words. people want to be liked by you, because when you like someone it's felt so very deeply. you're an angry sky nurturing dark forests and wide meadows, you're the wide-spread wings of a dragon, you're the stranger stuck in minds and the classmate that's so hard to forget. it's an honor to know you, it's an honor to be loved by you, it's an honor to love you. i wish you, too, could feel the love and the adoration you've been pouring into this world.

ok what are these tears 😭

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🎵 What BTS era are you?

@jiminslight @jkjms @euphhorias ty for tagging me!

Spring Day

Run's softer older sister, equally as gay/traumatised as Run but it made them soft and nostalgic instead of trying to cling onto memories that never happened, you miss simpler, happier times and although it makes you sad, you know that the future isn't something to be nervous about, everything will be okay in the end "But what is grief, if not love persevering?"

omg what an honor?? 😭

.

💜  What does love mean to you?

@gimbapchefs @jkjms thank you!

something you want to share

you have so much love and you just want to share it with everybody, don't you? there's nothing more you'd hate than to keep your fondness and tenderness for other people and love as a whole inside. please never hide your love for others, be reckless and loud with your "i love you"s and make plans when it feels like no one else is bold enough to. we're all scared that our love won't be matched or reciprocated, we fear rejection and we have this idea that the people we love don't actually love us but only tolerate us for the sake of having someone to keep them company. but it's people like you, people who want to share their love with the world, that change that. so make plans, don't leave anything unsaid, send that song that made you think of them. life is too short to keep your love inside.

i’m sad :((

.

✨ Which BTS member would you vibe with?

tagged by @calicooky thanks kris <3

Jeongguk

Ah, the golden maknae. He's got the most tender heart and the sweetest soul, no matter how many tattoos or piercings he gets in the future--he has "please love me" tattooed on himself now, afterall. Jeongguk is willing and wants to learn, and strives to be his personal best. He wants balance in his life, appreciates beauty, and is a romantic at heart. He's constantly analyzing himself, how he can be better, do better, and honestly he probably doesn't give himself enough credit. Don't be so hard on yourself if you relate to all of that--you're allowed to both give yourself a break and remember that we are always evolving.

.

🪐 Make yourself a planet

@euphhorias @jkjms ty loves

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📷 Post 5 pictures of your 5 favorite idol smiles

tagged by @espressokookmin ty love!

plus two extra let’s get it

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❓ 30 Questions Tag

thank you @euphhorias @taejinnies @jiminslight​ !​

name/nickname: di ✨

star sign: sagittarius ♐

height: 5’4

birthday: december 4th! bday twins with jin hehe

favorite band: i mean.... bts :D

time: 11:55pm

favorite solo artist: hmm I don’t really follow solo artists but i listen to baekhyun (idk if this counts :”)), chungha, and dean quite a bit

song stuck in your head: Alcohol Free by Twice

last movie you watched: Thor: The Dark World

free space! : I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!! 💜💜💜

last show: I don’t know if this counts but I’ve been binging the hell out of all of Jessi’s Showterview episodes jsdflk she’s a queen ✨

when i created this blog: June of 2019 if I remember correctly!

what i post: gifs!! and a ton of shit posts hah 

last thing i googled: "2nd Thor move” cuz I forgot the name 😃

other blogs: no active ones! just my main and 18490832 side blogs I’ve created bc I’m obsessed with creating urls

do i get asks? very rarely jsdfsjdf

why i chose my url? kookmin > ggukminii! this blog was originally just km stuff lmao

following: 332

followers: so much more than I deserve 🥺

average hours of sleep: hmm usually 7-9 hours. if you asked me during school tho...🤡

lucky number: 4!

instruments: ooo I used to play the violin for a few years and the guitar for a few months but we dont talk about that

what am i wearing? large blue shirt and black shorts 

dream job: ooo this is hard but something that doesn’t confine me to a desk where I can work with a lot of other people!

favorite food: this is the hardest question for me to answer omg... can I pass? 😅

tea or coffee: tea!!

nationality: 🇺🇸 🤠

favorite song: second hardest question BUT if we’re going strictly bts then... black swan 🤍

last book i read: uhhh i’m currently reading Know My Name by Chanel Miller

top three fictional universes i would like to live in: 3?? hmm, definitely Harry Potter... and then maybe marvel and anything studio ghibli 

I tag whoever wants to do these! If there’s one game you really wanna do just go for it and say I tagged you <3333

[okamigekidoo]

TW // S*uicide mention / depression talk

Dont read under the cut if you dont want to see. 

Today i feel more like shit than ever. Posting here bc I wanna rant, and be able to type as much as I want without having to make a whole thread. 

Today I got diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder (as originally stated), and major depressive disorder (moderate), and the one that bothers me, is Dependent personality disorder. 

I fucking hate myself right now, because if I would’ve known this months ago maybe there wouldn’t have been problems and I wouldn't be sitting here completely dissociated. Frustrated, and impulsively wanting to kms just bc of how mad I am and frustrated with my stupid little brain that I have. 

They told me I’m likely to develop BPD as well but they think they can stop it before it develops, which is cool I guess. Glad I don't have that or narcissistic personality disorder. But part of me doesn’t even care at this point. I thought having labels would help me, but getting these labels were fucking worthless and I’m sick and tired of existing only to continuously screw up because apparently my PTSD is worse than I thought. 

They then proceeded to tell me that, my attention span is actually shit. Like, the lady put on the diagnosis that she didn’t think I was even listening when she was talking and I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even know I “wasn't listening” I thought I was but I guess not. I feel completely and utterly hollow.

Like, ok, I have a label, now what? Now fucking what. Oh that's right. Nothing. Because nothing matters to me and I literally couldn’t care less what my life becomes because there's nothing left for me here on this stupid, pathetic, ugly planet that’s worth living and fighting for because I’m just some over-exaggerating, careless, manipulative liar. I’m not worth anything. To anyone.

Dependent personality is basically “I deal with shit until I snap because I’m pathetic and cant learn how to say no, stop, this thing bothers me and then need someone to deal with me/it” in a way that sounds polite, or caring. And my idiotic fly brain cant listen to anyone and I don't know why. I thought I was listening, I thought I am? Is it just bc I hear what I want to hear? Is it just because I have tunnel vision, but in my ears???

I feel like I know nothing about myself, and never will. I don't understand myself, I don’t know what's happening, and I don’t know if I even want to understand anymore bc the more I try to understand the worse that everything gets in my life because all I’ve learned to do is ruin everything. 

And saying “I don't mean to” makes it sound like an excuse, or dismissive. Idk how to communicate. And I think all in all I give up trying to make close friends, relationships, anything. Because I'm either too distant, or too clingy. Too nice, or too mean. Too this, too that. Because some fucking personality disorder just had to develop in my dumbass little brain. 

And the more I try to explain it to people, the worse it all gets. I’m crying, in the middle of a fucking call, typing this shit out because I'm so lost in my own head. I feel like nothing. I'm some brain, in some corpse. Waling around. Doing things. I don't even remember.

Dependent personality disorder, is basically, I depend on everyone else to basically. Survive. Emotionally, physically, all of it. I always thought I was rather distant to most people...but I guess that’s bullshit. I’ve been proven otherwise. 

I had plans to talk to my therapist about other things today, but then this diagnosis came out of nowhere, and I feel completely locked up inside. I dont want to move. I dont want to feel. I want nothing to do with anyone or anything. I just want to complain into some stupid screen about how shit I always am and always will be because this will be with me for the rest of my pathetic worthless little life. 

Dont want to fucking live anymore. I’m honestly just. Done. With everything. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to get better. Idek if theres a reason to try. No one is here. No one cares. So why try at all. Ever. 

People would be so happy to see me 6 feet under. They probably would’ve been glad to see it months, upon years ago. I know I would’ve. All these failed attempts and im still here. 

That paper did say I do shit with error 99% of the time. Probably bc im not listening or something. I dont want to think about this anymore. I just want everything to stop. I want to die so I dont have to feel. To think. To try. I’m just ready to give up because im trash and will never be good enough. 

[bibbleboo]

god i rly do think the only way im ever gonna be happy or have a life im not miserable dedicating to somebody else is if i find a way to live alone. but i literally dont know if thats possible shdfsdfhs i cant drive i cant do dishes i make $500 a month im like. so fucked and honestly if i wanted to i could probably solve Some of these problems but im not. even given enough time to work on honing my adult skills. 

yall not to sound bitter or whiny but straight up since my early teen years all ive ever known is being forced to take care of other people. i was never given the unconditional care and support system it takes a teen to learn how to grow up without worrying abt failing bc i was too busy being roped into caring for other people and fixing all their problems and they in return would help with my disability issues. so i never Grew from that or rly i grew at a snails pace bc i had to barely squeeze in time to work on myself. all my progress was halted by that and i was just stuck in that spot. cuz like for them its only ever an exchange to accommodate me and anything less is unfair and they just stop doing it. and part of me feels guilty and cant help but feel like, ok how can i expect more than that though. like how can i expect accommodation without balance. ppl need 50/50. but also literally, how am i supposed to take care of myself and grow when i am constantly trying to pay off a debt to others just for existing with needs. 

and then they fucking complain im not doing enough for them or for myself and like i!!!!! ok shit or get off the pot then!!! i WANT to do this im just scared if i fail yall wont take me back in bc i stopped being ur fucken slave and then im gonna go back to 11 yr old me attempting sui.ci/de twice bc thats how i look at rock bottom apparently and i dont trust her!!! and its YOUR GUYS FAULT LIKE.... i love my family but . they ruined a lot of shit for me with this fucked up cycle. telling me ‘you just need to push yourself’... when do i have the time when im playing ur fuckin mommies. literally. where am i expected to pull the time or strength or energy or motivation . fuck off like. im needy bc yall didnt give me enough time to learn not to be and i feel like intentionally or not part of it was to keep me around to help them out like uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh i hate this oh my goddddd yall didnt give me the tools to be an adult and now just to escape u im gonna have to jump the shark with Nothing and hope i dont end up homeless or forever fucked in bad credit debt land , while knowing if i got evicted or smth i would literally right away try to kms , again because i waSNT GIVEN PROPER CHANCES TO FAIL OR SUCCEED OR LEARN BC I WAS TOO BUSY KEEPING YALL FROM FAILING LIKE I----- AAAAAHH WHATT DID U EXPECTTTttTTTTTTTT i wanna scream. i never wanted to be a hyper dependent idiot that asks for this much w.o being able to return the favor well enough but yall didnt give me the fucking care i needed to learn how to do anything else so good luck w/o me babes when i figure a way out of here xoxo . but no honestly part of what pisses me off most tho is that when i leave they WILL be able to figure it out, theyll be angry and struggle a little at first but theyll adapt. i rly might not be able to figure this out, itd be my first time adapting to relying on myself and filling Only my needs. its so ufcking wildly unfair i just wanna cry and punch somebody

[starkissr]

would u look at that I just had my first break down in a rly long time

today I honestly thought that things have never been worse for me. but u fucking know what? fuck my anxieties. fuck my fears. fuck every doubt and insecurity that's been replaying in my mind. I literally don't fucking deserve to put myself thru this emotional turmoil anymore than I already have. Friday started stressful. yesterday I relapsed back into my bad bad habit. I didn't even mean to but I couldn't stop it. I knew I was doing it and I couldn't care less and altho I just realized it but the level of dgaf I was abt it and how it got so bad literally so quick scared the fuck out of me. now I see it meant I didn't care abt myself anymore. I did see it was wrong but I rly didn't trust myself to take care of myself so my plan was to tell my most trusted friend n roommate here abt my problem so she could also look out for me and help me a little n yesterday I thought abt it but brushed it off. today I texted her and told her I needed to tell her something when were alone. I was so proud of myself for telling her that bc I was like ok now I can't back out of it and I rly rly have to speak up abt this. I guess I should've emphasized that it was v important to me but anyway she left before we got a chance to talk and that was yet ANOTHER thing that went wrong. I swear I've heard like just numerically more bad news today than I have in my life I think. everytime something else came up n I thought shit can't get fucking worse another thing would pop up n fucking emotionally destroy me all over again. but this one was so shitty bc this girl is MY GIRL n the only one I feel comfortable enough talking abt this and I even told her how I desperately needed a solid cry 2 n she wasn't fucking here for me when I needed her. I'm not mad at her like she's been thru v srs shit as of late too n ik she was stressed and why we weren't able to talk but it still fucking hurt bc all day when the hot tears would flood my eyes I kept trying to tell them and all my shit thoughts to sh go away. I would tell them at the end of the day u will come flooding out and I would stop torturing myself and not hold anything back and just say out loud every fucking last thing that's going wrong rn but then it would be ok bc at least it'd all be out of my head. so like I said I'm not mad at her bc that would just be selfish of me but I'm still hurt and i hate so much that I don't feel comfortable having that conversation w her anymore. I'm scared that no one here knows that I don't feel like I can take care of myself rn. I actually decided right now that it's ok that I don't wanna tell her anymore. I rly can't force myself to make myself feel uncomf and tell her something that deeply personal when I don't have the desire to anymore. but the only reason why I'm ok w that is I just compromised n I'm gonna go to talk to the psychologist at my school tm. even tho I rly can't afford to waste a fucking second of my time this week I literally have to go tomorrow or I'll never go. I've been telling myself for legit 4 years that I would start seeing someone but when it came down to it I would never go bc I would tell myself it's not like I have any like life or death problems anyway n when I would think abt making an appt since it would be scheduled in like 2 weeks I automatically would assume whatever the issue was would go away by then. but I fucking need to do this for myself so even tho I'm not planning on killing myself or anything I honest to fucking god need immediate attn rn and everytime I would consider doing the emergency mtg b4 I would be like oh I'm taking that time away from someone who honestly might wanna kill themself n since of c my problems aren't nearly as valid as that I would just be wasting everyone's time. but I need to be selfish this once. I need help I know I desperately fucking need it but I fucking can't stand myself that even tho ik that I still feel like I'm not worthy of going and getting the help I need. I'm still gonna make myself go but like shit man I should not be thinking that way abt myself. whatever idk I'll try to work on it

anyway I still rly did need to talk to someone even if it wasn't to tell my secret I still needed to vent abt all the other million things that had just gone to shit. I had a weird thing that wasn't a fight but like we never fight so it was just even weirder that happened w my best friend who I never have a problem spilling my heart and my soul to so that also was like ugh but I still woulda been down to call her until I remembered how she just started grad school n has more going on now than ever and that rn wasn't a good time for her. there's this other girl here who just within like the past couple of weeks I've gotten to know better n we just vibe so I thought abt dumping my shit on her but then I felt stupid bc I was literally just w her all day n of c now after she left I feel like bitching abt all my shit but I was like that's not a good enough reason to not talk to her so I decided to reach out

I honestly dk what I would've done if she hadn't been there for me. if ur actually reading this ridiculous thought process no like I said I wasn't gonna kms but that anxiety attack was sooooo bad n I've had my fair fucking share so I don't say that lightly but regardless I'm sosososoosososo grateful to her for being there n hearing out all my irrational concerns and being patient n eventually talking sense into me. I felt so vulnerable at first bc even tho she already knew abt some of what went down I honestly felt ashamed abt these problems I'm facing n it takes me a while to warm up to ppl and be THAT open even if it may not seem like a big deal to some I'm super private w somethings idk but she was so fucking amazing I even did kinda preface or hint or like not in as srs of a way but still did lightly bring up a lil part of my secret. she prob didn't even know it but that was so cool n felt liberating tbh. I'm so happy bc while we were studying earlier today, in a moment when those tears found my eyes again n I was tryna keep my cool n not bawl my eyes out in the library n just take deep breathes I drew this simple as can be flower at the top of my page with a cute smiley right in the flowers center in an effort to make myself feel better n showed it to her n when I was showing it off I decided i would want nothing more than to have this be my next tattoo. she laughed n we just talked n then I was like no but I'm not kidding I rly am getting it. to me it was so real that I was having a day from literal hell but that lil silly flower smiley lit up my insides n made me feel soooooo happy I can't explain n it was just a nice thing to try to redirect my thoughts to bc I already love flowers but idk this drawing is like literally a stroke of genius idc if it sounds crazy n anyway she looks at it longer n told me she honestly rly liked it too n said she would get it tatted n I told her again like I'm so srs this thing is giving me LIFE n she surprised me n said yeah me too n so we decided we would get matching tats n I thought abt all the past friends who I've had this convo w like obv abt diff tattoos but I was just asking myself if I rly would want to share this lil treat w her n I can't explain how but all the other times I've talked abt getting matching tattoos w good friends it just felt like a game and not real but this felt different. I'm so stoked were gonna do this together n the fact that I'll have one of my own doodles on my skin like I just love every bit of it. n I thought abt how it's gonna be so magical even when we graduate how the same smiley flower on me will go and see the world thru her eyes. she's from Dubai so even tho it's sad we can't live in the same city forever idk I genuinely feel like I'll be connected and there w her no matter where we go. it's unbelievable to me just how much of the same person we are n how close we've gotten so fast I'm so blessed to have her in my life

wow what an experience. hopefully tm is better

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[sunnysidewrites]

92 Questions Tag

tagged by the lovely @kakaotaeks​ rIP I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY IM DOING THIS BUT,,,, GET TO KNOW ME!!! 

THE LAST

drink: water

phone call: my dad LOL

text message: my irl friend

song you listened to: honeyst - like you wHICH IS A BOP STOP SLEEPING ON HONEYST

time you cried: i dont remember,,,, i cry quite easily,,,,,,

dated someone twice: lmAO GOOD ONE

kissed someone and regretted it: LMAO!!! GOOD ONE!!!

been cheated on: i have to date someone in order for this to happen

lost someone special: a relative :((

been depressed: not depressed but there have been times where i just felt useless!!!

gotten drunk and thrown up: no

3 FAVORITE COLORS

purple/lavender

light blue

aqua green

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

made new friends: yes a few but not much!

fallen out of love: no what does it feel like to be in love,,, i wonder,,,

laughed until you cried: i woulDNT BE SURPRISED IF I DID

found out someone was talking about you: um,,, idk,,,,, but i also definitely wouldn’t be surprised,,,,,,,,,,,,,

met someone who changed you: hm not sure i got really close with a few people tho

found out who your friends are: uhhhhh,,, i guess???????

kissed someone on your Facebook list: i never kissed anyone, period

GENERAL

how many Facebook friends do you know in real life: almost all

do you have any pets: no cAN SOMEONE PLS GIVE ME A PUPPY!!!

do you want to change your name: there were times where i thought other names sounded better but at the end of the day i love my name!!

what did you do for your last birthday: i bought a cake,,, that’s it

what time did you wake up: i have summer class so i gotta wake up at around 9, 8 sometimes, but usually i wake up at like 10

what were you doing at midnight last night: ,,,,,tumblr,,,,,,,, gdi why am i like this

name something you can’t wait for: to master what i wanna pursue

when was the last time you saw your mom: like an hour ago or smth?

what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: me LOL :(

what are you listening to right now: im listening to my calming music playlist sooo,,,

have you ever talked to a person named tom: no wtf lmao wHAT KIND OF QUESTION

something that is getting on your nerves: a lot of things,,, just a lot

most visited website: idk i go on tumblr a lot but there’s also youtube and my email

LOST QUESTIONS

mole(s): yeee

mark(s): yes,,, i think

childhood dream: i wanted to be a lot of things lmao be a teacher, writer, actress, the list goeS ON

hair color: dark dark brown i find the color nice when the sunlight shines on it bc it looks like regular brown!

long or short hair: LONG HAIR FTW

do you have a crush on someone: not really i just find one or two guys cute but not worth investing my time in

what do you like about yourself: nothing lol im trash????

blood type: i DONT KNOW WHAT MY BLOOD TYPE IS :(((

piercings: i have earrings!

nickname: ill keep that a secret

relationship status: married to 6 husbands im single

zodiac: cancer!!!!

pronouns: she/her

favorite tv show: well i love kim possible a lot and for kdramas the list never ends :)))

tattoos: none

right or left handed: right

surgery: none

sport: um?? lol??? im athletically challenged

vacation: i’ve only been to hawaii aND ITS SO BEAUTIFUL I MISS IT!! i wanna go to a bunch of european and asian countries there’s a lot of places i wanna go,,,,

pair of shoes: converse, vans, combat boots, running shoes (lmao i dont exercise tho,,, i just had them for PE)

MORE GENERAL

eating: NOODLES!!!!!!!!!!!!! N O O D L E S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY CHOW MEIN AND PASTA AND SPAGHETTI OMG I CAN GO ON FOREVER

drinking: i like drinking water and anything with mint chocolate or just chocolate or mocha,,,, you get the point

I’m about to: do my assignment uGH I WANNA KMS

waiting for: me to get my life together smh

want: food,,,, and sleep,,,,,,,,,,

get married: i mOST DEFINITELY WANNA GET MARRIED but i dont have to worry about that for a while

career: something involving computer science!!

WHICH IS BETTER

hugs or kisses: I AM A STRONG ADVOCATE FOR BOTH and it also depends on the person,,, obviously if its with my s/o both but anyone else is a hug and it also depends on the kiss iDK IT JUST DEPENDS LMAOO

lips or eyes: eyez eyez 

shorter or taller: tall but not way too tall

older or younger: same age or older!!

nice arms or nice stomach: idk i dont really care that’s not the first thing i think about??? y not both idk???? idc????

hook up or relationship: relationship always!!! i only wanna do long-term

troublemaker or hesitant: um idk??? i would say both in appropriate conditions, but rather than troublemaker i would say adventurous i dont want a troublemaker lmao

HAVE YOU EVER

kissed a stranger: no

drank hard liquor: lmao yes but it was at a wedding so like,,,, and that was my only time

lost glasses/contact lenses: no

turned someone down: no one likes me???

sex on the first date: N TO THE O SPELLS NO!!!

broken someone’s heart: not that im aware of,,,, :((

had your heart broken: well yes but not like that

been arrested: no

cried when someone died: yes

fallen for a friend: eh when i was younger but not atm

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

yourself: ,,,,,,,well,,,,, depends,,,,,,,,,,,

miracles: yes sure!!

love at first sight: idk this is where it gets fuzzy,,,, more like attraction at first sight bc thats real dont lie

santa clause: no

kiss on the first date: sure!! depends on how comfortable i am w them but i would like to take things a lil slow

angels: sure??? idk??

OTHER

eye color: brown im boring

favorite movie: dont rlly have one,,,,,, but i like disney movies,,,, :’)))

ok who to tag um i dont really have a lot of ppl to tag so this list is gonna be pretty short: @mintyjihoon @justkpopjokes @mansaeboysbe @7teentexts @chanilovehours and anyone else reading this!! mention me so i can see it!! :)