#i was like. trying to see if i could get our chatlogs back after i deleted them which i always do after i stop talking to someone.

[homingpigecns]

.

until last year i stayed friends with a grand total of One (1) friend i knew in high school and now. i have finally stopped talking to that friend. it is sooooo so nice to romanticize longevity and history and wow they have always been there but there's a point where it's like.

it is so embarrassing so i haven't talked about it because it's really like, fully pathetic, but i saw them the first time recently bc i hadn't seen any rl friends bc i had a years long slump where i just kind of took up space at home and i was embarrassed about it but i got my life together again last summer and i was like okay, i can respond to the question "how are you doing?" without breaking down into tears, and my friend did express interest in seeing me again and i really wanted to see them. so i saw them a while ago and i had fun and i was so happy and i was so grateful to still have this connection after all these years, after all the ways i've been and my colorful history, and i just. their birthday was about a month later and really extremely uncharacteristically of me i remembered, and i ordered them a weird little personal birthday tchotchke off etsy and got them a michaels gift card and hit them up like. happy birthday we should hang out soon on the day of and it was all very nice. i didn't expect something soon nor did i care too much. but a couple months ago when twitter was gonna implode i followed them on insta (even though i deleted my personal insta because i know personal instas only teach me things about people i don't want to know) and as a consequence of that i learned that my friend was not able to see me because i was not invited to their birthday thing. which was with a friend of theirs i kind of know and an old close friend from high school i lost touch with but asked about and sjdfhsdf. literally expressed interest in the time i just saw them.

DO YOU KNOW HOW PATHETIC THAT IS........JUST EVERYTHING ABOUT IT..........LIKE I AM A KICKED PUPPY. I AM 24.....I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE............I AM A UNION MEMBER........AND I GOT REALLY EXCITED ABOUT MY FRIENDS BIRTHDAY AND I WASN'T INVITED TO THE PARTY...........

and you know there are probably actual reasons. i burned bridges with people in high school that they liked more than me, and i am too mature to care about who likes more than whoever now, and it is too insane to hold things from high school against them now that i am 24 and have regular cardiologist appointments. but it is also like. how many times do i have to die. i have grown past so many things the last three years that i thought i could never overcome and i can't, i don't want to, grow into someone who is mature enough to hold someone who's been important to me since i was 14 at arms length so it doesn't hurt when they inevitably drop me. currently, i commute an hour in the wrong direction so i can be on the same train as a work friend and i am aware the energy is insane but it is my energy and giving it and getting good things from it is like. this is better for my personal development than whichever way the other direction goes.

and it's like i don't even blame my friend from high school for how they feel about me because i was insane in a bad way in high school and i've done enough it's like. whatever. but it's like, also, when it's like, yeah this was half of the two people who permanently messed you up to the point people still are like "hey i didn't see you there. come over and say hi next time" when i avoid them because they're talking to someone else, who watched your friend group make a group chat and hang out together with everyone except you and didn't say anything and you were grateful they still threw you the bone to hang out one on one and it's like. i'm not. i don't really hold it against them, it was years ago, i don't think about those people anymore and yes i am still weird in many ways but for other reasons as well, but there is like. a very huge lack of pattern recognition and failure to learn and it is absolutely. my fault. when you put it like oh the person who killed me a thousand times throughout high school and college still has the power to kill me now and sometimes will? VERY OBVIOUSLY I AM THE PROBLEM.......i can't play high school anymore i have to play Being At Work and Surviving Capitalism Despite Everything, Did You Know I Am 24

anyway i decided to just quietly softblock my friend on everything, unfriend on discord, remove myself from the situation when there wasn't really an inciting event so i could just kind of fade out. but i did just find out that my friend did notice, and blocked me on twitter without saying a word -- which you know, is fine and understandable, because i did do all of that first. but what a metaphor you know. that is what the years of friendship are, and that they have stacked up this much to still hurt me is my fault. but hopefully for the last time.

[millenniumdueled]

discord chatlogs w @blueeyesking, specifically picking up immediately after Kaiba's Nightmare.

Seto Kaiba

Yugi pulls Seto out of his living hell by the hand, and the man sits up with a jolt, coughing, expecting something to come up but finding nothing there. He's obviously paler than usual, trembling where he sits- despite doing his best to return to a façade of cold detachment, it's impossible to hide how shaken he is.

"Wh- why are there two of you." to The Yugis, of course.

Yugi.

Yugi, the one kneeling beside the shaken Kaiba, gives his rival a concerned look. He sort of tries reaching out to try and steady the other man, but stops halfway.

"That's a great question, Kaiba. One we were hoping you could answer." Yami says, standing over the both of them. He offers out a hand-- just in case. "After all, the last thing we remember was teleporting to one of your ships."

Seto Kaiba

Seto visibly flinches at the Other Yugi looming over the both of them, baring his teeth and knocking the doppelganger's hand away like a flying insect.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he snaps, pulling himself to his feet. The shock gives way to real, cold resentment, his normal feelings toward Yugi Mutou (and a comfortable crevice to hide himself from the fear still buzzing in his nerves). "Teleportation isn't something I've figured out yet, you couldn't possibly have done that."

He pauses, just for a breath, taking stock of their surroundings. "Though… you're here, regardless. And where is here…?"

yugi

Just as he'd expected. Kaiba's reaction makes the Other Yugi roll his eyes as he drops his hand.

Yugi gives his Other a nervous glance as he too rises, brushing off his black clothes."ummm, we have a friend. you um, you said you were watching mokuba's blog for a while, right…? so you have to know about….?"

"We don't know for sure," Yami cuts him off, getting down to business as he crosses his arms. "But we had to cross a set of puzzle doors earlier that reminded us of the last time we rescued you."

It's Yugi's turn to roll his eyes. "it reminds me of that virtual world that the big 5 tried to trap you in. we had to summon monsters of a certain star level to get to you."

Seto Kaiba

Seto nods to himself, mirroring Other Yugi by crossing his own arms. He's grateful for his showy overcoat and abundance of fashionable belts, in this moment; they're a comforting weight, a familiar feeling, after the ordeal of memories turned into nightmares.

"I see. From… what I can remember, the Blue Eyes Jet had its autopilot recalibrated right under my hands- it landed on an aircraft carrier at sea, somewhere, and armed robotic guards escorted Mokuba and I out onto the runway… And now I'm here."

Seto continues looking at their surroundings, examining something inscrutible. "If it is something like the Virtual Reality that the Big Five held me in, it isn't them running it, I'm certain. They never employed robots in their personal retinue."

He turns on his heel to look at the Yugis. "However, that doesn't mean someone else with a grudge against me wouldn't co-opt the old virtual military system KaibaCorp had. Especially if they were looking to remove me from the equation, and bring KaibaCorp back into the arms business. Having our old infrastructure would be a great asset, in that case."

"You mentioned your, and Mokuba's, friends. Are they here? Where is Mokuba?"

yugi!

Yami nods along in understanding as Kaiba explains his experience. "Something similar happened when we arrived, too. We were held at gunpoint and escorted into an all white room…"

Only to wake up in Hell. But he won't say it.

"if it isn't the big 5 though, is there anyone else who could access your umm, your carrier…?" yugi wonders, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"mm, a couple of mokuba's friends are here too, but… we don't know where he is.. he posted coordinates to that ship, but that's all we know…."

Seto Kaiba

Seto's eyebrows furrow in a microexpression of concern. They don't know where Mokuba is. His jaw sets.

"Then we'll have to explore the simulation and find him. Chances are, he's being held against his will in order to be used against me."

He doesn't mention the tone of his nightmare being Mokuba betraying him.

Seto steps into the barren street and looks directly at KC Tower.

"It's likely we'll find whoever it is, at the center of this place. Given who they caught first…"

yugi!

Yugi chews at his lip. Even if Seto hides his emotions, even if he has only a faint idea of what Seto has been through, he can only imagine the pain of losing Mokuba yet again.

"we'll find him, kaiba. i promise…"

The Other Yugi follows Kaiba's stoney stare towards the towering corporate headquarters and gives a confident nod of his spikey head.

"I have a feeling you're onto something, Kaiba. And I have a feeling we shouldn't waste much more time." He gives a little nod in the direction of the skyscraper.

NOA

[ far above them, from the top of that very tower, Noa frowns. He sits on an elegant, velvet couch with an arm draped lazily around Mokuba, who lounges aginst his supposed Big Brother while he occupies himself with a game on his laptop. Noa didn't give him access to his group server, but that's alright. He can't miss what he doesn't remember.

And like all other things in this world, Noa controls what Mokuba remembers.

Noa shifts suddenly, his hand on his Little Brother's shoulder twitching slightly.

"Huh? What's wrong, Big Brother?"

Mokuba asks, looking up at him.

For just a moment, the look in Noa's blue eyes is dangerous. Something cold and vengeful. But Mokuba's voice pulls him back, his sweet smile returning at the flip of a switch.

"Nothing, my Baby Brother. Everything is okay, I just need to check on something," Noa assures him, yet he slips his arm from around Mokuba as he stands quickly. "I'll be right back, so don't leave this room. Remember, Mokuba. You're safe here."

"Sure thing, Big Brother!" Mokuba promises, eyes falling back to the screen that keeps him distracted.

Huh. That's weird though.

Why does his tummy hurt? ]

Seto Kaiba

That stony glare fixes on the softer Yugi after the other one agrees with Seto's plan.

"You promise? Please. I will find him, with or without you and your friends. He's my little brother."

He's the only good thing I have left."

Seto then begins walking the familiar streets, long legs setting a pace that will likely make the Yugis have to jog a little to keep up. He speaks while they move.

"We should also try to find your friends. I know where my search begins, but your friends may still be trapped in simulated nightmares; Mokuba cares about them, too, so we can't leave them behind. If this person is predictable enough to set themselves up in KC Tower, then, in finding them, we can find the controls for the simulation and free everyone else."

yugi!

Yugi tenses up slightly when he catches Kaiba's glare, exhaling eith a quiet, nervous chuckle.

"of course, kaiba," he defaults to agreement, trying to preserve their fragile alliance as he moves his little legs quickly to keep pace.

The Other Yugi raises an eyebrow at Kaiba as he walks behind him briskly, too proud to jog. "I didn't know you had the capacity to care about others, Kaiba," he says with a smirk, remembering the last time they walked side by side through these city streets. The last time Mokuba went missing..

"I could feel Joey's turmoil inside my heart before, but I'm confident he's found his way by now." That smirk softens a little, for just a moment. "As for the others--"

The two Yugi's glance at each other.

"we'll find them. i have a feeling we might all need to work together to get out of this…"

Seto Kaiba

Seto turns on his heel at Other Yugi's quip, anger flaring over fear for just a moment. He looms, or tries to, and scowls at the man.

"I do care. You put me through enough to make anyone reconsider their priorities in life."

The vitriol in his emphasis is almost physical. He hopes it takes attention away from the way his fists shake.

Turning back, he returns to his brisk pace- though, Yugi notices it isn't as hard to keep up, now.

"No matter what I have to do, I will save Mokuba at all costs."

yugi!

Kaiba's sharp turn catches the Other Yugi off guard, causing him to stop abruptly in his tracks behind the taller man. He flinches at the genuine anger that Kaiba directs at him, becore his brows pull tight together.

Before he can get argumentive, the gentler Yugi gives him a warning glance. "we've all made our mistakes, it's just.. really nice to see you caring about them too. even if it is just because mokuba would be sad if--"

He's cut off by a distant humming sound, growing louder as they get closer to their target.

"--hey do you guys hear that?" he asks, as his other self picks up his pace to walk closer to his Partner, readying the Duel Disk on his arm just in case.

Seto Kaiba

Seto stops. With enough people released or freed from their waking nightmares, maybe their Puppetmaster has sent something to deter them. Better to wait than to run right into it, usually. He squints at the street ahead of them, watching the intersections and skyline for the source of the noise.

yugi!

As the hum grows louder, Yugi activates his own Disk as well. The seconds seem to tick by painfully slow as their apprehension builds.

Then, all at once, a swarm of massive locusts descends from the side streets, hungry insects almost ten times their natural size.

The Other Yugi doesn't hesitate for a second, drawing the first card from his deck and immediately summoning forth his Celtic Guardian to slash at the incoming bugs while Yugi's own Big Shield Gardna defends the three Duelists*

Seto Kaiba

Seto draws and plays his Wicked Worm Beast! It claws and gnashes at the bugs, destroying them with its massive ATK as the players hunker down.

yugi!

the locusts seem unending, but the two Yugis continue to somehow work in perfect tandem, summoning monsters that work together against the onslaught. Even as the monsters that come for them grow larger and more fearsome, neither wavers.

The ground shakes, the concrete splits open as a massive, rotting Pumpking swells from the crevice, its vines lashing wildly in all directions. The Yugi's give each other a glance, and then to their teammate. Though Yami sacrifices their only two monsters to summon his ever faithful companion, Yugi's Kuriboh guarantees two sacrifies for their ally's convenience.

"you know what to do, kaiba!!!" Yugi shouts with a bright, confident grin.

Seto Kaiba

A couple of draws later, after pulling various useful, but situationally worthless, cards, Seto lands on what they've all been waiting for. His smirk is unmistakable as a Kuriboh and Wicked Worm Beast are destroyed as tribute to his signature Blue-Eyes White Dragon.

Blue-Eyes shimmers onto the field and roars at the Pumpking, superior ATK making them both completely certain of the group's victory.

"Blue-Eyes! Burst Stream of Destruction!"

The beam tears a ragged hole in the Pumpking and is brighter than the sun, briefly turning the world dark. The Yugis can see Seto's wolfish grin illuminated by his monster's attack.

NOA

[ from the top of the tower, Noa frowns. How can the three of them hold their own against so many monsters? Nonetheless, he won't give in.

As Noa decides what to throw against the trio next, back in the exquisite living room, the younger Kaiba grows restless. Mokuba sets his laptop aside at the sounds of the fight below and rises from that velvet sofa. Walks to the wall of windows to press a palm against the glass as he watches the fray unfold far below with a blank expression. It doesn't really matter. Big Brother has it under control.

But then that familiar beast with its piercing blue eyes takes the field, it's fearsome white hot attack darkening the daylight.

And Mokuba freezes.

His stomach hurts.

His heart pounds in his chest and he feels like he might be sick.

This is rage, right?

It's anger that makes his eyes burn, isn't it?

He remembers that great dragon turning on him. Remembers the voice of the man who commands it, echoing that Mokuba will never be good enough.

He can't stand it anymore.

Mokuba turns sharply, walking with purpose across the elegant living room. Noa is taking too long. Is he okay? What if Seto hurt him too somehow? He promised not to leave this room, he promised to stay put. But now Mokuba has made up his mind.

If Noa cant do it, then he'll kill Seto himself. He'll make his Big Brother proud.

There's no hallway, no elevator on the other side of that door. Mokuba finds himself stepping directly out onto the streets of Domino City. And as the Pumpking falls, deflating back into the hellish crevice from whence it came, stormy grey eyes meet sapphire. ]

[spadeselfshipcorner]

SPADE x HUNTER Chronicles

The Hunter Exam Pt. 3

In case you don't come from the main post, hi. This is my attempt to fully insert my HxH S/I in the main story! Gotta thank my friends whose feedback has kept me motivated to continue writing and finally posting this work, because my original plan was to keep it to myself lol

January 7th

OST: Sleepwalking Orchestra

12:00 PM

The second phase was held by two Gourmet Hunters, Menchi and Buhara. We first had to catch and roast a Great Stamp for Buhara! The Great Stamp is a very large and ferocious pig that only lives in the Visca Forest. It seemed like our attacks weren’t doing anything, until Gon found out its weak spot, we all followed his lead and quickly got back to camp and got cooking. Buhara ended up eating about 70 of those pigs which shouldn’t be humanly possible, literally where did he put them? A black hole? I’m glad I was fast enough to catch my pig, otherwise I would’ve been eliminated. Menchi’s phase is where things started to go downhill. She asked us to make nigiri sushi, which was a dish I’d NEVER heard of, since it wasn’t common in Itaria. We tried to speculate what it might’ve required, until Kurapika recalled reading about it, figuring out the other main ingredient, other than rice, was raw fish. Leorio accidentally revealed that to the rest of the examinees, so we all had to rush and catch fish. I’d never been the best fisherman, but I managed to secure a couple of them and get back to my station. I looked carefully at what had been provided and I remembered the knives, which suggested that perhaps the fish should be fileted… I’d never done that before, but I wasn’t going to give up. I fileted a fish, taking the scales and skin away too, then I tried to take out as many fish bones as I could. I saw people around me already bringing their dishes to Menchi, which made me quite anxious, I was taking too long. I cut the filet in small bits and rolled rice around them, making little cylinders with a fish center. I was trying to take this seriously, I could feel the examiners’ eyes on me, so scary! In the end all my efforts were in vain though, as Menchi took a look at my sushi and said it was the wrong shape for a nigiri sushi, though she didn’t seem too upset when I presented mine, at least she didn’t throw it away, just gave it back to me.

People kept bringing failures to Menchi and her anger grew, until Hanzo brought actual nigiri sushi to her! But… it wasn’t good enough and he got rejected. He did end up spilling the beans on what sushi was, and everyone tried making it, but at that point Menchi was pissed and judged everyone super harshly, until she was full and outright refused to test anyone, making it so that nobody actually passed. It was then that the Hunter Association’s chairman showed up, and convinced Menchi to give us another challenge. We all got into the blimp and traveled to Split Mountain. The chairman was a legit weird dude… who let him be chairman? Well, at least he got us a second chance at the exam, after traveling for a whole month, I was definitely not going back home empty-handed.

01:00 PM While on the airship, Leorio came up to me and we had a little talk again. Chatlog:

– [Leorio]: "So uh, this has been quite the eventful exam so far, huh?"

[Spade]: “Indeed it has... I wonder what Split Mountain will look like, it has such a peculiar name!"

[Leorio]: “Hm… from the name, I expect it’s gonna be a huge mountain with a split down the middle!”

[Spade]: "True... or maybe it could have one side looking a certain way, and the other could be the total opposite!"

[Leorio]: "Yeah, split might mean two sides of opposite nature... that certainly would be interesting to see."

[Spade]: "Yeah... it sounds like something fun to draw, don't you think?"

[Leorio]: "Ah, so you like to draw?"

[Spade]: "Yeah... I e-even brought a sketchbook with me, though so far I haven't had the time to doodle anything today, it's just been so intense!"

[Leorio]: "No way, you brought a sketchbook with you? You actually draw in your spare time? Now I really want to see your drawings!"

[Spade]: "Huh? I-I mean I guess I could... here, these are from my month-long trip across the ocean"

[Leorio]: "Wow, these look amazing... You really did these all yourself? You've got some real skill, you know that?"

[Spade]: "Ah! Uh... thanks... I just... draw what I see y'know? Not too... difficult"

[Leorio]: "Yeah, right, like the way you do it isn't difficult at all… These drawings look way too good for just simple doodles. I mean, you've got some real talent behind you, Spade."

[Spade]: "I- ... thank you... it means a lot- you know, I really want to eventually turn my art into a way to make money one day... still trying to figure out how"

[Leorio]: "You want to make money with your art? You mean like being an artist to support yourself?"

[Spade]: "Y-yeah! Though.. Like I said, I don't know what exactly I want to do. I always liked making landscapes, but... hm, I dunno..."

[Leorio]: "Landscapes, hm? You really do have a way with drawing landscapes well. Your drawings are really detailed..."

[Spade]: "I try my best! And- this exam is really getting me inspired, we've already seen so many crazy places! Drawing sights that normal people are unlikely to see... is honestly one of my favorite things!"

[Leorio]: "Well, I guess it's certainly a good thing that the exam has inspired your art. Hopefully you will have the opportunity to draw more incredible things as the exam goes on." –

Once we got to Split Mountain, we were tasked with retrieving a Spider Eagle egg from a ravine. I was terrified. If there’s something that scares me, free-falling into the void is that one thing. I was really considering dropping out, but I couldn’t, I didn’t want to get back to Itaria without a license. I jumped down after Leorio and Kurapika, but my hands slipped from the net! Kurapika luckily managed to catch me and give me enough swing to reach the net again. I literally owe this guy my life. We all got our eggs and waited for a huge gust of wind to sweep us back up to the surface, safe and sound, with an egg in hand. As soon as my feet touched the ground, I felt a presence behind me, and when I turned around it was Leorio, looking extremely concerned. He scolded me, saying I should be more careful. He sounded like a mom. I just hugged him, which he seemed okay with, I mean he hugged back… I don’t know why I hugged him. Maybe the stress of the situation made me emotional. The eggs tasted… REALLY good. I spotted Hisoka eating his, and even he seemed to love it. So weird, I guess even crazy men can enjoy good food.

OST: Kyoshu 04:00 PM We got onto Netero’s airship so that we could start heading to the third phase of the exam. After dinner, I stuck around with Leorio and Kurapika while Gon and Killua went to explore the airship. We were all about ready to crash at that point, but we still found it in ourselves to talk for a bit. Chatlog:

–

[Spade]: "Thanks again for catching me, I- literally owe you my life, man-"

[Kurapika]: "I did what anyone would do if they saw somebody about to fall, it was nothing to be thankful for."

[Spade]: "Still... this exam is a competition, I-I'm pretty sure some wouldn't have been as kind"

[Kurapika]: "Yeah... I guess so… still, we may be competing against each other, but we're also a team of some sort. We won't leave anyone behind just because we're supposed to compete."

[Spade]: "A... team...?"

[Leorio]: "Well, yeah! I mean we've been going through this exam together, and it's not like we can just leave each other behind. We're gonna have each other's backs no matter what, right?"

[Spade]: "R-right... *sniffle*"

[Leorio]: "Ah, now there's no need to cry, Spade. We're friends now, alright? You don't need to cry over having people care about you, it's a good thing..."

[Spade]: "I-I know... I know, it's silly, I just can't... help it..."

[Leorio]: "It's not silly, it's very human… No need to feel embarrassed... it's normal to feel emotional like this."

[Spade]: "Thank you... to the both of you..."

–

After that, we all end up falling asleep.

Part 2 | Part 3

Master post

Proship/Comship and Kink blogs DNI

[osakaso5]

Yuki 12 SONGS GIFT Rabbit Chat Part 4: Tell Us, All Stars! 2

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 5

Tsumugi: Is everyone back?

Riku: I'm here!

Tenn: So am I.

Momo: We've just finished settling down and catching up on the chatlog!

Gaku: And we were talking about indoor entertainment. We might play cards sometime later.

Tenn: I'm sure it'll be tough, considering what a sore loser Gaku is.

Ryunosuke: Something like Old Maid could be fun and exciting! I bet IDOLiSH7 knows a lot of indoor games.

Mitsuki: We do play a lot of card games!

Yamato: Then there's Nagi's cosplay stuff.

Nagi: I would love to remodel one of the rooms of our dorm into an actual studio, so we could have authentic cosplay shoots there.

Tamaki: Karuta's pretty fun when you play seriously. Me and Rikkun made our own version a while back.

Tsumugi: It was so cute!

Yuki: You made your own version?

Tamaki: "I" stood for IDOLiSH7.

Iori: Yotsuba-san often comes up with the strangest ways to entertain himself.

Tamaki: Iorin drew Kinako for the "ki" card. It was really good.

Kaoru: That sounds fun. Perhaps we should make a TRIGGER edition.

Rinto: I'd like to make a Re:vale version, as well!

Yuki: I see. You can do all sorts of crafts indoors.

Yuki: Is there anything you want to make yourself, Maneko-chan?

Choices/outcomes:

1. I'd like to make accessories!

Yuki: That sounds fun. It must require a lot of attention to detail, but I'm sure it'll be easy to really get into.

2. I'd like to decorate my phone!

Yuki: Wouldn't it suck for your phone to be even heavier than it already is..? But I guess lots of girls are into that sort of thing.

3. I'd like to make herbariums!

Yuki: You mean the bottles with flowers and other plants in them. You don't need to water them, so they seem like they'd be good for putting up around the house.

Yuki: That was interesting.

Tsumugi: Thank you!

Tsumugi: Well then, everyone, let's resume the questions! You're up next, Mitsuki-san!

Mitsuki: For me it's gotta be baking, right? Yuki-san's a great cook, so I'd like to try making really complicated sweets together.

Yuki: Sounds good to me. It'd be fun to have you teach me.

Mitsuki:

Tamaki: Nice! I'll be your taste tester!

Riku: If Tamaki's going, then so am I!

Tenn: Hey, Riku.

Sogo: Tamaki-kun, you mustn't bother our senpais...

Yuki: It's fine. I prefer cooking to eating, anyway.

Tsumugi: That sounds like it'd be  a fun little gathering!  Sogo-san, you’re  next!

Sogo: Perhaps I'm overstepping my boundaries with this, but I want us to have a guitar lesson.

Sogo: And as long as you're fine with it, I'd like a tour of your studio...

Yuki: Oh, sure. We're both music lovers, so we can get hours of entertainment out of a recording studio.

Sogo: Thank you so much!

Yuki: I look forward to our jam session.

Tsumugi: Thank you, Sogo-san! What about you, Nagi-san?

Nagi: A Cocona watch party, obviously. I will  occasionally pause the  episodes to explain  famous scenes.

Yuki: You’ve got your  own commentary track. Am I supposed to watch it like pro wrestling?

Nagi: No. You are to learn from it. When you do, you will acquire the ultimate bliss.

Yuki: So it's like a study session. Maybe I should play Cocona-chan in the live-action film, just  to make use of what I've learned.

Nagi: What?

Nagi: What did you just say?

Tsumugi: Thank you, Nagi-san! Kujo-san, you're next!

Tenn: I have a hard time picturing myself just relaxing in a senior idol's home, so I think I'd teach you the face massage I learned recently.

Yuki: You can do it to me. I'm sure it'll feel nice enough to put me to sleep.

Tenn: I'm sure it will. Gaku and Ryu both fell asleep when I tried it on them.

Ryunosuke: You noticed!? Sorry, I didn't mean to doze off, but it just felt so nice...

Yuki: Now I'm even more excited.

Yamato: You'll fall asleep whenever you want to, either way. Even when people are talking to you.

Tsumugi: Kujo-san, thank you! Riku-san, you're next!

Riku: I want us to play board games! A lot of really fun ones  have come out recently.

Yuki: Board games, eh. I can't imagine they'd involve anything more than throwing a dice.

Riku: Most of them do, but there's one where you can become a CEO, a soldier who needs to defeat a demon king, or a detective who catches criminals!

Yuki: Oh, that does sound fun.

Riku: Let's play it together! If you become a detective, then you need to act like your character from Mission!

Nagi: Would he not win if he were to end up in that role?

Tsumugi: You've all been having fun with that game! Thank you, Riku-san!

Tsumugi: Iori-san, you're up next! Go ahead!

Iori: There's much I want to ask you. I'd like to interview you on your attitudes and life experience.

Yuki: An interview from a high school boy. Sure. I'll tell you  whatever you like.

Iori: Um, I just want to know about things related to music and the idol industry...

Yuki: It wouldn't hurt you to play along for once.

Tsumugi: Thank you, Iori-san! Tamaki-san, you're the last one!

Tamaki: If we gotta play inside, then video games! I'm great at racing stuff, so I'll teach you how to play, Yukirin.

Yuki: I've got a driver's license. I think I'll probably be better than you.

Tamaki: No, I'm better. you've never slipped on  bananas or had bombs thrown at you, right?

Yuki: Good point.

Momo: "Good point", lololol

Yuki: Maybe I'll try doing my own stunts, like Momo. I'm starting to get pretty excited.

Tsumugi: Tamaki-san, thank you!

Tsumugi: That was everyone! Thank you all!

Yuki: Thank you. This was fun.

Momo: Yuki, happy birthday!

Yuki: Thank you.

Riku: Yuki-san, happy birthday!

Gaku: Happy birthday, Yuki-san!

Banri: Do your best at the solo live.

Yuki: I will.

Yuki: It'll be Christmas, after all. I get to be everyone's Santa Claus.

[galaxyacerodoesart]

As I promised, more Sanderstuck Panel edits, this time featuring Remy, Emile and Dolian (AKA. Deceit) 

More about my Sanderstuck AU can be find under my sanderstuck tag HERE! And under read more, is the dialogue of the situation going on in the panel, in case anyone is interested in knowing what would be going on behind it, and a little more about some of the events in the AU! :o

If anyone seeing this would like to be tagged in any future Sanderstuck art, please let me know! 

DOLIAN: Let’s face it Princey, despite going around saying how strong and great you are, you are one of the weakest people in this team, and that’s just facts~ ROMAN: WHY YOU- DOLIAN: I mean, if we want to talk about power, Remy would be the most powerful being in this team, seeing he LITERALLY ascended to god status already and not only has ACTUAL powers, but is also pretty much immortal at this point. REMY: idk if you can call me powerful tho, i mean, i literally have no idea how i even reached god-tier gurl REMY: … I literally have no idea, one moment I was good old me, the other i was in a stone bed bleeding to death, and in one more I was back to life with this clothes and wind going wild all around me. REMY: so yeah, i don’t think i can take much credit? i don’t feel like a worked to reach this status or anything so- DOLIAN: Why, see?! Remy doesn’t even KNOW how he did it, and yet, there he is. Started from zero, all the way to hero. DOLIAN: While you are still aaaall the way down here. No powers, no powerful weapon, just the old pathetic Roman.  DOLIAN: I know you are trying to reach the god-tier status, don’t think no one noticed.  DOLIAN: you struggle and struggle, but still, at this rate you will probably be the last one to get any power. IF you even get it DOLIAN: You might just die before it, after all :) EMILE: NOW NOW EVERYONE! Let’s not say things like that, okay? Dol, we talked about this right? Everyone has their time! We can still do great despite not have ascended to god-tier, no problem! EMILE: There is no need to fight, we are ALL working together after all! And I know we will reach god-tier whenever we need to! The fact Remy had ascended already just means it was his time, even if he isn’t sure how he did it, and yet, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have work to improvement, right?! Remy, you aren’t even entirely sure how you powers work, isn’t that true? REMY: i sure don’t. All I know is how to fly and i’m pretty sure that’s like, basic to literally any god-tier, not just because my aspect is breath.  EMILE: See? The fact he has ascended already, doesn’t put him in a pedestal! We can always improve, Remy surely still will, and who knows, perhaps he still won’t be sure how his powers work by the time Roman ascends. EMILE: But still, who says we even need to? I’m sure as long as we work our hardest and give our best, we can beat this game and reach peace! God-tier or not!  REMY: also i’m pretty sure i can still die? like, there is certain conditions, but i remember one of the lil carapace guys mentioning something REMY: i don’t really remember all they said tho, lil guy was talking pretty fast, like he had to get away from there quick, he just mentioned a clock and something like REMY: “Heroic” or “Just” death being the only way to get rid of me??? so yeah, i don’t really understand it, but there clearly is a way to get rid of someone even if they reached god-tier status REMY: so yeah. I definitely can stil die lol EMILE: See Dolian? Everyone still got to work hard to beat this, but most importantly, we have to stay together! We are a team, like it or not. DOLIAN: *sigh* Yes, yes… I get it. DOLIAN: … Doesn’t mean I am entirely wrong in what I said though…  DOLIAN: I still haven’t ascended to God-tier, but let’s not forget who was able to pull dear Virgil out of the void in the first place, hmm~? DOLIAN: Say Roman, where where you when Virgil was almost being consumed by the void? Crying in a corner faced with the reality of not being able to save him, or still trying to hold onto the idea you are the “leader” of this team? Because trying to get him out of there, you certainly were not.  DOLIAN: So really, do us all a favor, and stop trying so hard to be a leader for this team, you are far from one. ROMAN: … EMILE: Dolian, ple- DOLIAN: I’m sure Patton would be a better leader, and he literally doesn’t have the heart to even kill a single Imp, despite his life being at risk. EMILE: Dolian- DOLIAN: And I mean, Logan? That’s someone who knows what he is doing. I’m sure if anyone saw our team without knowing us before hand, they would be sure he was in charge here, because let’s be real…he is, Isn’t he~ EMILE: DOLIAN. THAT’S ENOUGH.  DOLIAN: I’m just- EMILE: PLEASE… Just…Please… I’M asking you to stop. You already made your point. DOLIAN: … DOLIAN: Sure. You are right Emile. There is no reason for me to keep beating a dead horse.  EMILE: Dol- DOLIAN: I’ll just go back to my room, like you said, I DID Make my point already. So, I’ll take my leave. See you all around~

—DOLIAN Left the conversation— 

EMILE: …I…I’m sorry Roman. It wasn’t right of him to say such things. I have been talking to him, I promise! He seems to be making progress every now and then, but suddenly out of nowhere he just- EMILE: …does things like that. ROMAN: …It’s not your fault Emile, it’s mine… He isn’t wrong after all. EMILE: Roman, no! Don’t let what he says get to you, it’s what he wants after all. And it is partly my fault, i’m his therapist after all… Got to take responsability for when he acts like this.  ROMAN: BUT STILL! What he said wasn’t a lie… I am not a leader, I act like one, but anyone in this place has more leadership than I could even dream of! And I HAVE been trying to reach God-tier, I thought- I think that perhaps then, I will be able to do more? I’m suppose to be the Space player of this team, one of the most important parts of the game, but all I do is mess things up! ROMAN: We almost lost the crucial part, that was our time player, but most importantly, OUR FRIEND because I was just thinking about me and trying to make ME be the big hero in this! ROMAN: The universe and everything we knew is GONE, and i keep acting like this is just any other game. If we fail, it’s game over forever. Everything is done for. And it will be all because I couldn’t stop to look around me. REMY: …Dude. REMY: even I know that is all bullshit REMY: pardon my potty mouth, btw REMY: but seriously. You? Not caring about others?? Stop believing Old Dolly lies, gurl REMY: you are putting yourself in the front to make sure no one you care about gets hurt REMY: sure, you messed up with V, but no one is saying you need to be perfect, nobody is perfect. Don’t let Hannah lie to you, she is full of lies.  REMY: you tried so much to get V away from the void, and kept keeping everyone spirits up when they started to think there was no way of doing it REMY: no joke, i’m almost sure even Pat was starting to give up on seeing Virgil again REMY: sure, in the end Dolly was the one to successfully bring Virgil back to us, but let’s be real. he have no idea how he did it, and probably only got as far as he did because of the natural connection with the void that he has for being both, a void player and a derse dreamer REMY: so yeah, don’t be so hard on yourself man, you might be making mistakes, but you are learning from them and improving every day REMY: you are doing pretty great, if we didn’t think so, someone would have said something already REMY: ya’know, someone that isn’t Dolly, lol  EMILE: I couldn’t have said better myself, Remy! ROMAN: I… Thank you guys. The support is appreciated… REMY: no worries R-man, we’re here for you~!  EMILE: Just keep believing in yourself Roman! You are a great leader! We are sure to beat this game and save everything! REMY: heck yeah, my man. ROMAN: I’ll make sure to remember that… Really, thank you, both of you… EMILE: You can count with us! 

—END OF CHATLOG.—

[tauriatalksmonkeys]

does anyone want to read about charlie’s gay awakening?

no? 

well thank goodness there’s a readmore here... 

so this is actually a really personal story for me that i’m writing to cope~ it doesn’t have a title but i’ve been calling it changst in my folders bc. i can, i guess.

this takes place in canonverse and charlie would be about 16 here.

Charlie glared at her phone, face half smooshed into her pillow.

NessIsBest >>so >>guess what

Charlie didn’t want to respond. She really, really didn’t. But she couldn’t leave Vanessa hanging. Nessie was one of her oldest friends. They had been through some tough times together. She couldn’t just leave her hanging.

But oh, did she want to.

Because she knew, she just knew that this was about Ness’s new boy. Ness fell in love faster than anyone that Charlie had ever met, and this boy had captured her heart worse than anyone else. It drove Charlie crazy, because she didn’t like this guy. She would almost even go as far to say that she hated him. (It didn’t matter that they had never met.)

Her love for Ness won out over her hatred for Mystery Guy.

ChimChar >>what?

NessIsBest >>we went out for dinner today >>and he paid for my food >>and then we went and played with kittens at the animal shelter >>and he walked me home >>am I crazy or did it seem like a date???

ChimChar >>I mean kinda, I guess?

NessIsBest >>I mean >>I know he’s not ready right now >>but like >>ugh >>I dunno >>he just… >>sometimes I feel like he’s into me too >>I swear to you he was flirting with me all day >>AND >>we started talking again about moving in together after high school? >>like he knows what assholes my parents are >>and he wants to help me get away from them >>and he was talking about adopting an animal together >>and I just. >>I dunno >>I feel like maybe there could be something >>If I just gave him a little longer >>like lately I swear I’m at his house more often than I am mine >>just watching him play video games >>or horsing around on the couch

Charlie’s stomach felt tight as she read the messages. She bit her lip. She wanted to shove her phone under the mattress so she didn’t have to look at it anymore.

All she could think was—I would move in with you. I would help you get away from your parents. Remember when you used to be at mine all the time?

But she kept those thoughts in. There wasn’t any point in spilling them into the chatlog. Ness would be like, “yes of course I know, but you don’t really wanna be too far from your dad.” And then she’d be back to talking about The Guy again.

He wasn’t even that attractive. Charlie scowled at her phone, scrolling up to the last pic Ness had sent of him. Charlie didn’t see it—Ness called him cute, but to Charlie he just looked… like a boy. No different from all the other boys in their grade.

It wasn’t like she had a problem with guys. She’d found a few celebrities cute, here and there. But they just weren’t… that attractive, to her. She didn’t see how Ness could look at this one and be like, “I want to kiss him.” Or even, “I want to have sex with him.” Which she’d talked about. In enough detail that Charlie wanted to bleach her brain.

But she hadn’t said anything then, either.

She scrolled back down to current messages.

ChimChar >>I don’t think it’s stupid to keep hoping >>but… I dunno Ness >>I don’t think moving in together is a good idea

NessIsBest >>I dunno >>I think we could make it work >>I mean the worst part would be not getting a break from each other, right? >>but if we were both working and hanging out with our friends it wouldn’t be too bad >>it’s not like I have anyone else to move in with >>he’s the only one of my friends that want’s OFF of Shuggazoom >>like I mean I know you do >>but you still want to come back >>i… don’t.

ChimChar >>I guess that’s fair

It wasn’t. It wasn’t fair at all. But it was what Charlie had to say, wasn’t it? To be a good friend. To keep having Ness around for the foreseeable future. To have her around until it all blew over.

There was a part of her—a very small part—that kind of wished they could just skip to the part where Ness came crying to Charlie after the guy stopped leading her on and finally let her down. Like he should have from the beginning. It made Charlie feel like a bad friend, though, to wish her best friend that kind of heartbreak.

She shoved her whole face in the pillow this time. She wanted to scream.

Her phone blipped again. Charlie was half tempted to pretend she had fallen asleep, but… she checked the message anyway.

And found herself relaxing (and hating herself for it) when she saw it wasn’t Ness. It was another friend of hers.

Rina-Beana >>yo what up char >>ur up awful late >>hope ur not frying your brain in the books again

ChimChar >>pff no >>just talking to Ness

Rina-Beana >>guy still leading her on?

ChimChar >>yeah

Rina-Beana >>u doin’ okay?

ChimChar >>yeah, why wouldn’t I be?

Rina-Beana >>u got really quiet at lunch when she brought up guy >>ur. not a quiet person, char

ChimChar >>I resent that

Rina-Beana >>char

ChimChar >>its nothing >>really

Rina-Beana >>look I may not have known you as long as vanessa but >>I still know you >>and this isn’t nothing

ChimChar >>I dunno how to really put it into words >>I guess I just… >>I dunno >>I’m protective of Ness >>and when she starts flirting with these guys it just >>bothers me??? >>because they’re not good enough for her >>to me >>and I always… I dunno >>I just feel pushed to the wayside lately >>I guess >>we don’t talk the way we used to but >>she’s always sending me screenshots of where she’s talking to him and I just >>I guess I’m jealous >>and I don’t understand why >>because I know that I’m her best friend >>and I know that I’m still going to be here regardless of what happens with the guy >>I just. >>it sucks.

Charlie rolled onto her back and threw her arm over her eyes. She hated spilling her guts more than anything—but Rina would know what to do, maybe. She was a year older than Charlie. She’d be graduating this year, and headed off to pilot’s school. A year probably didn’t make that much of a difference in wisdom, but Charlie would take what she could get. It wasn’t like she could talk to her dad about this.

Well, she probably could, but he wouldn’t really know what to do. He was better at coming up with advice when she and one of her friends had had a fight or something. He wouldn’t understand why she was so jealous.

Not that Charlie understood why she was jealous.

Her phone pinged, and she raised it up again.

Rina-Beana >>char… >>have you ever considered that you might be in love with Ness?

Charlie stared at her phone.

ChimChar >>what.

Rina-Beana >>look, I could be entirely off the mark >>but I remember when I first realized I was gay >>it was because I was constantly jealous of my best friend’s boyfriends >>I was constantly putting myself in their shoes >>comparing how I would treat her to them >>and just. always angry at them for not treating her right. >>it got to the point where I could barely stand to be around her, or them, because I was just constantly upset that she didn’t see me >>maybe im totally of the mark and that’s not what’s going on here >>but it just… I dunno >>it felt similar

Was Charlie in love with Ness?

She could feel her heart racing at the thought. It didn’t feel wrong, but… it wasn’t a label Charlie had stuck on it before. And it felt… strange.

ChimChar >>i >>i guess i’ve never thought of it before >>i mean. >>maybe

She needed to let it sit for a bit. Keep trying it on. But there was a part of her, deep down, that she could feel saying yes. That’s what this is.

She needed the rest of her to feel it first.

Rina-Beana >>take ur time  >>it’s not always something you figure out in a split second >>and if you have questions >>im here.

[annakie]

I made it, and now there's no turning back

Hey, so, this is about to be a very long, spammy post about Critical Role season 1.  This is mostly for my own memory, so in the future when I want to revisit watching the show, I'll have my own log, of sorts.  It's really long.  And a lot of it is my chatlogs about the show with @janiemcpants , posted with her permission.   So if you hate reading other people's chatlogs, this may not be the post for you.

But if you wanna read a lot of words about a show where some nerdy-ass voice actors play Dungeons and Dragons, this may be the post for you.

Also, for unknown reasons, I’ve had Jimmy Eat World’s song “Cut” stuck in my head the last couple of days, and it’s basically all I’ve listened to today.  The words don’t really fit my emotions, but the overall feeling the song gives me does.  So that’s where my head is.  

I said some of this an a post I made a few weeks ago, but I’m saying it again now.  Ever since I heard of it, I was pretty sure I’d love Critical Role if I could get into it.  And so for two years I meant to catch up.  

I’ve played Dungeons and Dragons since the late 90′s, second edition, and have been in epic campaigns of my own before where I fell in love with not only my character but our entire party.  I love this party just as much as I’ve loved Annotea, Sekhar, Ike, Ta’Rik, Annwyl, Krivken, Liek, Colin, E’a and Rhyz.

I have looked for a post I made like a year and a half ago asking for help figuring out how to get into Critical Role on my blog a few times but either I tagged it badly or deleted it.  I don't know.  I remember some people said to start at episode 19. Some people said to use it as background sound when cleaning / cooking / driving etc.  I knew I didn't want to start midway through the part of the story we had, I was disappointed to learn they were already 8th level and we'd missed like two years of story before the show.

I have a post from June 2016 saying I'd made it an hour into the first episode, but I think I finished that ep, or got close, and didn't pick it back up for like, another year.  I think it was like mid-summer last year when I made my second push to get into it.  

I made it through like eight episodes, and I remember having episode 8 up in a web browser for weeks or a couple of months and things were just so crazy with everything happening with work at the end of the year.  And I only watched it as background noise at work.  I'd frequently realize I had no idea what was going on, and through like the first 30 or 40 episodes I'd find some kind of recap to read at the end of the episode to make sure I didn't miss anything important.

Here's some negativity, so skip it if you'd like: It took me a very long time to get through like episode 10 to 27 because long before I learned all the things that happened since he left, I couldn't stand Orion.  I've looked into it a bit and basically for all the normal reasons people didn't like him.  I respect that some people did, but being honest here, if he'd have stayed on the show, I probably would have stopped watching.  Around episode 20 I learned that he'd leave soon, and dragged myself through the rest of the episodes until he was gone.  And then, it was much easier to get into.

The first half of this year my job went from crazy drama to just plain boring.  I really didn't have much to do, and everyone knew I was just biding time until it was time to go.  So I'd watch like half the day sometimes, often while doing what work I did have to do.  But often that work was like, wiping laptops or organizing keys or just... busywork.  But CR made the days pass quicker, and it was enjoyable.

The Feels apparently really started on 3/09 when I sent this to JanieMcPants: Grog winning his second solo battle with the orc JUST BARELY thanks to Scanlan's sneaky inspiration is my new favorite moment in the show.

This would begin a very long chatlog of me just yelling feelings at her.  After this, my current comments are italicized. 

---------- 03/10/2018 janiemcpants: That whole episode is SPECTACULAR Did you finish it? I don't want to spoil anything if not!

annakie: I did, I got to the part in the next episode where Percy finally confessed a bit of what is going on with his life since they're back home and have been invited to some feast.  Still pretty early on in that ep, work got crazy yesterday. :)

---------- 03/23/2018 annakie: Man, I'm on ep 26 now (I watch in bits and bursts as I have time at work, it's real slow going) and I have to say, (I deleted some negativity about Orion here).  EVERYTHING ELSE IS GREAT though. I'm really enjoying everyone else and their characters.  The episode with the dinner at the Briarwood's was AMAZING especially and I'm so worried about Percy.  I was almost in tears as Liam was talking about him thinking about Keyleth and Vex when Vax was going unconscious and thought he was going to die.  That was so, so good.

BTW did I just miss it all this time that Vax has a thing for Keyleth?  Like I didn't notice it at all until that moment he was going unconscious and now it's obvious.

janiemcpants: Vax’s last thoughts about Vex and Keyleth KILLED. ME. That was also the first time I realized he was into Keyleth, and I think it was the first time any of the others realized it, judging by their faces. Liam did say later that he already was aware of it when the show started, and he dropped a few hints before he outright said it. I’m listening to the podcast right now from the beginning and there are some little things there that you can pick up if you’re looking for them, but nothing that would have given it away, I don’t think. So it was a fun surprise for everybody. (Vax and Keyleth are one of my favorite pairings on the show. I just love them.) This arc is THE BEST and so intense. So much suffering, but also so much goodness!

(We chatted more for awhile about Percy, and the cow episode (Very fun!) )

---------- 04/12/2018 annakie: OH MY GOD SO MUCH IS HAPPENING CASSANDRA IS ALIVE AND VAX IS KISSING KEYLETH. This is so good.  SO GOOD.

janiemcpants: I didn't see that kiss coming AT ALL It was SUCH A DELIGHTFUL SURPRISE And Percy gets one sibling back, MY HEART

---------- 05/02/2018 annakie: I've been studying a lot and haven't had a lot of time for CritRole but I watched some today like the END OF THE BRIARWOODS HECK YEAH and Cassandra is good again, and then VAX TRYING TO HOLD KEYLETH'S HAND ON THE TREE and she didn't know how to respond she's so awkward and unsure and needs time to figure it out. I was sitting there just staring at the screen instead of working for like 20 minutes during that part haha. 

And I watched the winter fair episode with Trinket winning the pie eating contest and Grog losing arm wrestling to Trish the Dish and that was GREAT.  I stopped like right after Matt had Tiberius leave the party for good.  It was a very good day of very awesome CritRole at work. :)

janiemcpants: Keyleth and Vax just KILL ME. It's such a slow burn until suddenly STUFF HAPPENS and then it slows down again and pulls at my heartstrings the entire time.

---------- 05/17/2018 annakie: "I don't want to be alone tonight."

"I haven't wanted to be alone most nights..."  And I let him in. THE SHIP HAS SAILED.  YAY!! :D

annakie: Haha aww Marisha switched seats so she could be closer to Liam, that's sweet.

lol of COURSE the VERY NEXT DAY they see Kashaw again. And Will sits on the other side of Marisha... that's great.

janiemcpants Yay!!! They’re the slowest of slow burns but it’s so worth it. Liam and Marisha manage to be adorable even when they’re seated far away from each other. And yay to Kashaw coming back! I had mixed feelings about him at first, because the second Trial of the Take group had a blend of personalities that was tough to work with, and he got lost in the sea of grouchiness. But he ended up being great and every time he comes back I love him more.

(I'd grow to feel the same way about Kashaw.)

---------- 05/29/2018 annakie: Episode 44 - Oh my gosh, there was a beholder fight AND NOW VEX IS DEAD WHAT IS HAPPENING? And yeah, I think Kashaw is definitely more stand-out-y here, I'm really enjoying his character here. :)

annakie Keyleth: "Why did you do that?  Kashaw: "Because I knew you wanted me to."  D'awwww....

janiemcpants: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH Vex’s death there kills me extra because it comes AFTER they win the fight! Everything is supposed to be okay, and then NOPE. THANK GOODNESS Kash was there. They're so lucky he happened to be their guest that night!

I mean, they probably could have come up with another way to save her, but being able to do it right away was a relief. And it was a great character moment for him

--------- 6/15/2018 I made this post, and I was at episode 49.

----------

A lot happened, and I didn't yell about it much of anywhere. I don't know how I let 20 episodes go by without reacting much to them, especially when SO MUCH HAPPENED in there. Right about when the Chroma Conclave hit, I knew I was sucked in, completely.  

But in a month and a half I made it through 14 episodes.  Near the end of July, things started happening very quickly.  

---------- 07/27/2018 annakie: I'm on episode 63 now and I just realized today I'm JUST BARELY over halfway through this campaign. Which makes me both happy and not, haha.

Woah Tiberius.  This actually sad. :(

That was really rough and I cried a little.

janiemcpants: TIBS That was so sad All of it was, but "I encourage peace" really got me And when I rewatched it and realize that's what Percy's DM whisper was about, and you can see it on his face and then he has to sit on it for like 20 minutes AUGH

07/28/2018 annakie: Oh man I'm going to have to go back and watch that again.  I was touched at how sad EVERYONE was.   And yeah, the burial part and "I encourage peace" got me too.  It's always sad to lose a friend, but also Tibs defending Draconia was really the perfect ending for his character.

I started ep 65 and YAY. FINALLY.  KEYLETH AND VAX.  FOR REALS. I have LOVED the slow-burn of the last 40 episodes but I'm glad they're moving into an actual relationship now.

I got spoiled about Vex and Percy just the other day (No one's fault, someone I follow on twitter liked a tweet, which twitter OH SO HELPFULLY put on my timeline.  So, it's twitter's fault.)   There have already been some hints that it's coming with Vex's titling and all, but I'm looking forward to it.

(Getting spoiled accidentally about that was my "OK TIME TO CLAMP DOWN ON SPOILERS!!" wakeup call -- especially since that Really Big Thing happened in Campaign 2 right about then and despite trying real hard to not be spoiled I know all about it.)

And Scanlan, what character growth with his speech to Pike a couple of episodes ago, apologizing for the proposal and realizing he was more in love with the idea of Pike, even though he does really love her, so proud of that boy.  And the note he gave Pike awhile ago for if he dies AND SHE READ IMMEDIATELY.  That was like the first real sign she's given.  The only thing that's bothered me about Scanlan, (who is probably my favorite, though I love THEM ALL) is that he was nice-guying / trying to wear Pike down this whole time, albeit in a charming way, and now he gets that, so YAY!

---------- 07/28/2018 annakie Watching 65, and having Matt torture Marisha by having Kashaw ask Keyleth out the night after she finally gets together with Vax is masterful.  Haha

Awww Gilmore's parents, so sweet.  And then Sam "Well, they're both over 70, so who's going to kill them?" buhahahahaha

07/29/2018 annakie: Oh my God, episode 68.  I'm bawling.  I obviously know Percy will be back but this was really, really, really rough.  Taliesin took it better than anyone.  Matt seemed just as devastated as everyone else.  Marisha's crying made me cry. 

That ending, with everyone gathering around Ripley and each doing their own killing blow for Percy.... it was so, so, SO GOOD.

I hope the internet wasn't too hard on Matt that week.

(I really did bawl about Percy's death.  That's when the show went from “I love this” to "This is masterful.  This is amazing. This might be elevated to rank of "FAVORITE THINGS!" 

This is also when I started watching at home -- because I had to know what was going to happen.  And because I realized that this show will MAKE ME CRY and I can't cry at work.  I also started watching on the weekends, basically as much as I could, every night, all Saturday and Sunday when possible.)

janiemcpants: Keyleth and Vax took a while, but I think they played out perfectly in the end :) I’m so happy the way the official couples turned out, because they’re all so different and so great in their own way. Truly something for everyone! (Vax and Keyleth are my favorites, but I don’t think I have ANY NoTPs, which is awesome.) When I first started the show, I thought I was going to HATE Scanlan, specifically because of the nice-guy thing. But then that sort of started to taper off and he won me over anyway, and I was so happy that he actually realized what was going on and apologized for it. Especially since I love their relationship, as she’s more or less the group’s moral compass, but he’s also basically the group dad--the one who keeps the to-do list and helps everyone keep their shit together (even if it’s not in the most conventional way). Thank goodness he finally realized it was more important to keep her as a friend than to keep trying for romance and probably eventually lose her by being a shithead.

68/69 are two of my favorite episodes, and two of the very hardest to watch Rough, but really emotionally and narratively satisfying

---------

7/21/2018

I made this post,  My first big feelings post.

---------------

08/03/2018 annakie: I JUST FINISHED 78.  SO MANY FEELINGS!  VEX ANSWERING THE DOOR NAKED.  THE WHOLE PLANNING.  GILMORE IS WITH THEM!  AND OH MY GOD KASH AND ZARAH PLS DON'T DIE BUT IF YOU DO SACRIFICING YOURSELF LIKE THIS IS AMAZING, I LOVE YOU. Also I'm now watching Talks Machina too so each episode is an hour longer!

08/05/2018 annakie: OH MY GOD SCANLAN.  THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE THAN PERCY. I DIDN'T THINK IT COULD GET WORSE I AM BAWLING AT PIKE'S POEM OH THANK GOD SHE ROLLED A NATURAL 20

Liam breaking during Pike's poem double killed me

I'm also so glad Ashley could be here for this one. I wish Sam was.

Also I'm SO GLAD Keyleth was so amazing last episode, both the feeblemind (totally, 100% saving this fight) and spotting Kima and Allora in the ocean.  Just MVP'd the hell out of that ep.

janiemcpants: OH MAN that feeblemind!!! And I’m so glad it was Keyleth who landed such a huge blow on Raishan. And spotting Kima and Allura was such a HUGE RELIEF. What an emotional rollercoaster that episode was. I’m convinced the dice themselves have a sense of drama. That’s the only way to explain some of the narratively amazing 1s and 20s we’ve gotten

annakie: Oh my God, I know.  Just absolutely insane.  THAT NAT 20 MERCER ROLLED FOR THE FINAL RESURRECTION ROLL OMG

I didn't stop for Talks Machina between those eps.  I couldn't, I had to see what happened.  I'm so glad this entire ep was so laid back after the resurrection. 

This show... I'm so, so mad I wasn't into it from the beginning.  On the other hand, having to wait a week between THOSE EPISODES would have been the worst.

janiemcpants: IT WAS It's so good that they generally have breather episodes once something huge is over with, because I don't think I could handle the tension otherwise

---------- 08/06/2018 annakie: WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE FUN AND HAPPY AND EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE. I had to stop watching at work

Because I started crying a little and then Percy gave his speech and I almost lost it haha That's where I am right now, raced home from lunch to watch the rest of this where I could cry

janiemcpants: Are you on episode 85? That one really hit like a slap in the face

annakie: Yep!

janiemcpants: That's the only one I think I won't be able to watch again

(I made this post.)

annakie: He's gone now, they're awake the next morning. Like I knew he was leaving but I thought it wouldn't be THIS TERRIBLE.  I thought it’d be like “Hey guys I’m taking some time off, love you, bye!” but nooooo.

janiemcpants: And it really felt like it came out of nowhere!

annakie: But also props to Sam because that was such a good representation of depression.

Like I really understood where it was coming from but yeah you really didn't expect THAT.

janiemcpants: Yeah, he's definitely not afraid to take risks and let his character be imperfect, and he had some good points and some not so good points in a very realistic way But BOY was that hard to watch

annakie: Yeah exactly.  Like, yelling that nobody cares about him.... that they don't love him.... I have felt that way about people who I absolutely knew loved me and that just shook me.  It was just... so... real.  And the way everyone reacted.  Man I just wish Ashley had been there.

I already know Sam plays someone else for awhile and eventually, Scanlan comes back but man... again... so glad I don't have to wait to KNOW THAT.

janiemcpants: You're lucky you know that! I totally thought he was gone for good Are you at the end of the episode, or still going?

annakie: Still going, they're at Whitestone still the next morning deciding what to do next.  Keyleth just scryed on Scanlan and Kaylee.

Grog: "I know you on a more intimiate level."  Vex: "Because you saw my titties."  Grog: Basically, yeah.

Real question: Can I watch the rest of this episode and maybe next without crying, so I can finish it at work, or should I not?  Gotta head back in a few minutes

Oh heeey it's already Sam's new character. :)

janiemcpants You can probably finish it up Since you met Sam's new character and he's pretty good And the next one has a lot of funny stuff in it

---------- 08/07/2018 annakie Episode 88:  The Kraken Fight.  FIVE AND A HALF HOURS (more like five after the break BUT STILL.)  I feel like I was watching this episode for a week.

janiemcpants That was intense! Them not being able to kill the kraken really added some stress to the fight Although they might not have been able to anyway

08/08/2018 annakie Yeah!  That added a whole crazy layer onto it!  I was pretty sure there would be more deaths than just Vax.  Not that him dying wasn't bad, but you know.  I think I'm becoming desensitized to the deaths because I didn't cry during his resurrection.  Also, poor Ashley, it feels like every time she's there lately it's to resurrect someone.

Finished Ep 90 this afternoon, Keyleth's Aramente ceremony was really good. :)

Also Grog and Tary potion shopping, I laughed so hard at work and had to keep it quiet, I'm sure my coworkers think I'm a maniac.

Ep 91 - Vox Machina Go To Hell... sounds amazing.  Just starting.

janiemcpants: Grog and Tary shopping was a total trash fire and it was so great And Vox Machina Go to Hell was such a good title! And a good episode!

---------- 08/11/2018

annakie: Ep 95!  Past the time skip!  The last two have been SO MUCH FUN and just what we needed after all the sadness and tension!  And YAY ASHLEY IS HERE FOR AWHILE.  SHE'S GETTING A STORYLINE!  Also I love Tary so much now, that character growth! :D  But I only have 20 episodes left noooooo

(later that night)...I should probably be doing other things with my life other than watching CR + Talks Machina but I'm already on 98.  Clearly Tary is leaving soon, it's neat to meet his family and all, though.  I'm gonna miss him.  I thought Tary would just be like... a filler character. But he's so great.  So.   Great.

---------- 08/12/2018

annakie: OH GOD IT'S SCANLAN HE'S BACK I'M DYING (also I'm real sad Tary is leaving soon, the conflict of emotions!).  I JUST got to the part where Vex runs up and hugs him and they go to break I'M CRYING.

annakie: EVERYTHING HURTS but Jon Heder's character is hilarious

janiemcpants: Oh no, goodbye Tary! Tary was a cross between Gilderoy Lockhart and a J Peterman catalog and I absolutely adored him, but it’s so good to have Scanlan back I wasn’t sure what to expect from Jon Heder, because I’d only seen him in Napoleon Dynamite and didn’t like it, but he was so great in this

annakie: Oh man I missed him so much.  He's having to apologize SO MUCH.  Poor Sam, haha.  The Talks Machina with him, Ashley and Laura was great, though and Laura saying Travis was too emotional to go on the show was so.... awwww.  I'm into ep 100 now  Yay the new look!  AND LADY BRIARWOOD IS BACK WHAT THE WHAAAT.  And Poor, poor Sam having to play three characters, though, he did this to himself. :D

--------- 8/13/2018 annakie (about the first Vecna fight): That shoulda just been called "Vox Machina gets their asses kicked." Vaaaaax

Scanlan MVP'd the hell out of that fight though No time for Talks Machina, I'll do that at work tomorrow, RIGHT ON TO 103!

janiemcpants: Episode 102 was an ABSOLUTE DISASTER Thank goodness Scanlan came back when he did!

Although I did enjoy everyone guilt tripping Sam for making him leave

And then THE ENDING

annakie: GOD EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. ALL OF THIS.  I NEED TO PAUSE TIME SO I DON'T NEED TO SLEEP AND CAN JUST WATCH CR STRAIGHT THROUGH FOREVER UNTIL IT'S OVER. These are disaster children and they are terrible I love them.

(I made this post.)

janiemcpants: I had to laugh at your last post because that's exactly what it's like! There's SO MUCH in each episode it's almost impossible to post about it. TOO MANY FEELINGS

And not enough time!

I think this last arc has really good flow to it You can feel the urgency, but it still gives things the time they deserve

annakie: It really is!  Like you know if I had a week between episodes than it'd be way easier to sort but I can't take any time I have to watch as much as I can now. I'm at the part where they're trying to sort out why Vax is back and I WANT TO DIE.

janiemcpants: WASN'T THAT A CURVEBALL I was expecting a tense, elaborate ritual like the others got, and they were planning for it, but nope! We're skipping that part

annakie: I read something like a tweet or untagged post MONTHS ago about Scanlan not being able to save Vax.  So when he got disintegrated I was like "Oh this is that that meant." and now I'm like "OH SHIT NO IT WASN'T, WAS IT?!"  I'm scared.

(Oh, you sweet summer child, you have no idea what you’re in for.)

janiemcpants I just love how Vax getting disintegrated totally changed the context of everything that happens, but not in the way anyone expected Matt's mind is truly a place of wonder

annakie: Also Yay Grog just asked Scanlan to hang out with him in Vasselheim :3 Nothing like a terrifying near-death experience to spread some forgiveness.

TRAVIS + SAM IS THE BEST, WHETHER IT'S SCANLAN OR TARY.

--------- 8/14/2018 annakie Me today: OK my boss asked me to go to this important meeting and take notes I need to concentrate.

What I actually thought about : SERENRAE GAVE PIKE A SPECIAL BLESSING AND LOVES HER SO MUCH AND ALSO TOLD SCANLAN SHE HEARS HIS PRAYERS AND HE IS A TRUE BELIEVER, HE HAS A HOLY SYMBOL AND FOUND HIS WAY TO THE TOWER HIMSELF WE ARE SO BLESSED. REMEMBER SAM AND ASHLEY'S FACES THROUGH ALL OF THAT IT WAS PERFECT.

Also Scanlans face when. Grog mentioned that he was looking for Scanlan, the moment passed so fast but I cried.

(later that night) annakie: I'm so mad I have to run my own game tonight so all I'm gonna have time to watch is to the end of 104 Glad I prepped my game a week or two ago though

janiemcpants: THEIR MEETING WITH SERENRAE, I WEEP It’s just so good to see both a character who’s been so devoted but struggled with it at the same time, and a character who had to develop so much to get there, actually be seen and acknowledged by their god

annakie: I REWATCHED IT WHEN I GOT HOME

janiemcpants: What a great moment for both of them

annakie: SO amazing, I loved it so much.

janiemcpants: Also, I love how it doesn’t even matter how the group splits up, any combination of them is going to be interesting and fun (But especially Sam and Travis because of their shared delight in chaos)

annakie: I'm RIGHT NOW at the part where everyone is talking about Vex to Pelor and OH SHIT SHE AND PERCY ARE BETHROTHED THAT'S THE SECRET YES that's so true every pair is amazing

Also once again Scanlan MVPs this, with his polymorph on Vex

janiemcpants: It's truly astounding how many times Scanlan single-handedly saves their bacon

annakie: Yeah as much as I loved Tary like... they really NEEDED Scanlan.

janiemcpants: They really did I wish they could have both!

annakie: When I rewatched the Serenrae meeting I watched Ashley's face and every time Scanlan did something positive like made it to the tower or Serenrae acknowledged Scanlan as a true believer Ash's face was just amazing. She's so pleased at Scanlan :3

janiemcpants: Ashley's just so good

annakie: I KNOW, ME TOO.  I peeked and saw that we don't see Tary again and I'm sad!  I hope he gets an epilogue!

Also I NEED VOX MACHINA PEOPLE TO ACKNOWLEDGE HOW GREAT SCANLAN IS BEING HERE.

Last Tuesday at 11:24 PM *screaming into the void* http://blog.annakie.com/post/177011924723/critical-role-stuff-spoilers-up-to-ep

--------- 8/15/2018

janiemcpants Everything you said is SO TRUE And I still just can't believe how Sam took what was meant to be a joke* and turned him into this incredible three-dimensional person who never fails to surprise me. Will he turn into a dinosaur and destroy a building? Will he sing at the giant monster instead of fleeing like everyone else? Will he melt my heart with beautiful words about friendship? Will he devastate my emotions when he stops covering up his pain? Will he make a dick joke? We never know! And he's grown so much! *(Apologies if you already knew this, but when they were getting ready for the original one-shot home game that started all this, Sam had never played before, and Liam helped him pick out his character. Sam said he wanted to be the worst, and asked what the worst character would be, and Liam came up with gnome bard. And here we are. That was all captured on the podcast they sporadically do together and it's pretty funny.)

annakie Hilariously, I just found that out about Liam helping create Scanlan an hour ago.  On the episode of Talks I was watching at work Sam kept mentioning his Reddit AMA and so I googled it and read it, literally an hour ago.  So if I would have seen this earlier, it would have been new information! And YES SO MUCH I AGREE.

Like I love them ALL so much but I mean... Scanlan.  Fucking Scanlan.  Fave.  Sorry.

(Later) annakie Darin DePaul is hilarious lol I was like "Uh who is this?" when he showed up but he keeps making me laugh.  I'm still in the initial fight right after they find Sprigg

janiemcpants Fun fact: Darin de Paul played D&D thirty something years ago with Matt's mom, and Sprigg is the character he played back then I think that old session ended with Sprigg disappearing or something, so this is the continuation of his story, set thirty-whatever years later He’s really terrific, though! I only knew him from Overwatch, but I get such a kick out of him here

annakie OMG, that's awesome!  Thank you for that fun fact!  I was wondering if he ever played before, he seemed to get it pretty quick with only a little help from Sam. He's saying goodbye now, aww, such a good end for a fun character!

annakie Oh good, Ioun told Scanlan how awesome and important he is to VM and Kaylee and in general, I feel better now. I'm a little sad that I guess Ioun is his god now I guess and not Serenrae but it also seems fitting.

8/16/2018 janiemcpants Yeah, I was surprised by that, but in the end I think I'm glad he got his own god who appreciates him, rather than being wrapped up in Pike's story Not that Serenrae didn't appreciate him, but I like that he got something of his own

annakie That is so true!!  Like Serenrae gave him comfort when he needed it, and accepted him, but he prayed to her because it's what he knew because of Pike, but I think he didn't do it FOR Pike. But it turns out Scanlan wasn't destined for Serenrae.

Also I meant to mention awhile ago that I really loved Percy holding everything together after Vax died and they were in the Feywild.  He really stepped up and kept everything from falling apart and I was really proud of him.

Scanlan being constantly dismissive of them talking about Tary is hilarious.  "Scanlan can you scry on Tary?"  "Who? Oh... you mean that fancy fellow?" haha

(Later) annakie Oh yay I'm glad they sent word to Tary that everyone is OK.

janiemcpants Yes!! I was so concerned about poor Tary. The necklace is a good idea in theory, but in reality all it does is tell him something is wrong, but he doesn't know what or how he can help What an anxiety-inducing item!

Also yes to Percy! His growth is really inspiring to me on a personal level (all of theirs are in different ways, but he's the most relatable to me personally) I love how, since they're all so different and grow in different ways, there's a good story there for everyone

--------- 8/17/2018 9:07 PM annakie Just finished the ep where they forge the trammels.  Starting to close in on the endgame :o

annakie OH MY GOD... hahaha using the love potion TARY gave Vax to prank SCANLAN, this is amazing, I love it so much.

I CAN'T BREATHE

Last Saturday at 1:15 AM Hi it's 1:14am and I'm still awake because I had to finish this live episode.

--------- 8/18/2018 annakie: In the middle of 112 now, and I have to stop watching to go to my Pathfinder game.... nooo... one of the few times I'm unhappy about going to gaming. :) I think I'm going to be able to finish tomorrow if I just power through and don't stop for Talks.

---------

(And here we go, into the endgame.  I woke up, turned on Critical Role, and knew I'd finish the campaign that day.  In addition to the gifs and posts I made: http://blog.annakie.com/tagged/episode+114, here's the rest of that experience.  I’m not going to link the individual gif posts.)

8/19/2018 12:53 AM annakie: THE STRANGLING WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

This entire episode is like the most fucked up episode lol

9:21 AM BRIARWOOD FIGHT WITH Joe Manganiello!!!  I'M SO SCARED.

11:58 AM OH MY GOD KAYLEE AND CASSANDRA AND SHAUN THANK GOD THEY STOPPED AND FIXED IT OH MY GOD I'M CRYING

3:17 PM I'm liveblogging.  AND DYING.  ZARAH AND KASH OH THANK SERENRAE!!!

janiemcpants: I was out of town for the weekend and just got home, and I can't believe how fast you're going! Although once you hit a certain point you can't help but tumble unstoppably towards the end, because it's all going so off the rails at once I WAS SO WORRIED FOR KASH AND ZAHRA

annakie: I STILL AM

janiemcpants: And having Cassandra and Gilmore and Kaylee as death knights was a particularly cruel stroke of genius on Matt's part

annakie: Arkhan just got back though, so that's good I guess haha

SO CRUEL

janiemcpants: CAN YOU IMAGINE, if they hadn't left one alive, they might not even have taken their helmets off and they never would have known

annakie: GOD I KNOW I KNOW... That would have just been.... oh man I can't even imagine And thank God Matt let them revivify even though it could have been more than a minute

annakie: There's so much happening I can barely breathe I feel like I've been watching this episode for ten hours already All I've watched is 113 and this today.

janiemcpants: It's probably even better watching it all together like you're doing, because a whole lot of interesting things happen in a not-that-long amount of time There's so much!

annakie: Yeah... I mean TBH for the last month I've just lived this show, I haven't watched any TV shows.  It's been so great to just really LIVE IN IT and there's so much of it especially after taking a year to get to this point.

annakie: Well, it was around the point of Percy dying the really sad time to get to "OK I can't stop watching", that's when I started watching at home and not just at work.  And then I stopped watching at work much after Scanlan left because I was too invested to only sorta pay attention. Yeaaaaah Grog just kicked ass.

janiemcpants: Percy dying was right when I started watching live! I was trying to catch up on the old stuff before I started doing it live, but when I heard that happened I just COULDN’T stay away. What a hell of a pair of episodes those were.

annakie: OH WOW that's awesome!  How many episodes did you skip to get to that point? haha OH ALSO PIKE TELLING SCANLAN HE HAS TO STAY ALIVE BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENS AFTER.  MY HEART. I was a little worried because since she was back she'd hardly interacted with him, except for that butt-slap a few episodes ago and then this conversation happened and I DIED.  (And then Sam joked it was Scanlan2 and I refuse to believe that it wasn't actually real Scanlan, they're dressed different, she would have known.)

(Also in the Vecna fight Real Scanlan had to use the Death Ward Pike put on him so yeah, she said it to Real Scanlan.)

Oh also I found online where Sam posted the letter Scanlan wrote to Pike and OH MAN, TEARS.

janiemcpants: RIGHT?? At the beginning I never thought I'd be invested in Scanlan and Pike's relationship, just because of the nice-guy stuff, but it got really, really good as it went on I still had about 15 episodes or so to go when I started watching it live, so I missed a little bit of context, but it was worth it That letter was so good

annakie: Oh man we just almost lost Vex and the looks on Liam, Travis AND Taliesin's faces all killed me. I can't wait to start watching live, still probably going to be a month or so.

annakie: OH NO THE JENKY TRAMEL.

annakie: PIKE BLEW SCANLAN A KISS!!

annakie: I can't believe I still have an hour to go (probably 45 minutes of game time) and Scanlan and Grog just got banished.  Also I know something bad happens to Grog so I'm just waiting for that.  Maybe he never comes back from banishment!??!

annakie: Hahaha Scanlan dispelled Vecna's teleport and MATT'S FACE. Oh no, he's saying sorry to Liam This is why... “I was going to save Vax.” OH MY GOD  Sam is crying And Liam is crying

janiemcpants: That moment is where I cried the hardest in all of 114 Especially because they called each other Sam and Liam instead of Scanlan and Vax IT'S SO PAINFUL

annakie: THIS HURTS SO MUCH, I’M BAWLING. Most of the table doesn't even see what's going on Like they're having this private moment while the game keeps going.

annakie: Oh God that Nat20 for Scanlan to counterspell dominate person on Keyleth. Could you imagine this fight with Tary instead of Scanlan?  It'd have been over in round 2

annakie: lol I watched Jocks Machina on the D&D twitch channel awhile ago so I knew Arkhan was going to betray them, that's amazing how he did it. Also, so great that Keyleth was able to finish the ritual

annakie: Oh no Sam and Liam are crying at the end this is the worst

annakie: Annnd here we go.  115.

janiemcpants: GOOD LUCK

annakie: I'm really going to miss this credit sequence, I love it so much I always watch it every episode. I've seen the new one and it's cute but I love this one.

janiemcpants I miss it too! It's so good

annakie: I get why they did a more generic "look at us playing D&D" instead of character intro credits but this one is amazing I mean especially after what happened to Taliesin's character in season 2.

annakie: Yay Kash and Zahra :D I'm so glad they got a goodbye. :)  That was a great sendoff!

janiemcpants: It was so good! Even with Liam wreaking emotional havoc

annakie: vax is saying goobye and I'm bawling

even matt is crying, i can't

(I made this post.)

janiemcpants: I cried through that ENTIRE EPISODE

annakie: I'm taking a crying break to watch the fanart Glad Ashley made it just in time for that moment

Oh man this great series of fanart with the quote where Sam asking what's the worst character, and Liam saying gnome bard, and the art is all showing how Scanlan saved the party, that was amazing

annakie: Oh my God Liam isn't even at the table anymore THIS IS SO SAD

janiemcpants: That art sounds fantastic! Must try to hunt it down Oh no, I can't cope when they leave the table

annakie: "We'll fill in each other's gaps, we'll be the glue." THANKS LAURA NOW I'M CRYING AGAIN BECAUSE I LOVE VEX/PERCY SO MUCH.

That even broke Taliesin a little

There's a part of me right now that's still screaming "GO FIND GILMORE AND CASSANDRA AND KAYLEE!"

janiemcpants: I know!!! There's so much they should be doing, all at the same time! HOW IS EVERYBODY??

annakie: Percy just mentioned cassandra, maybe they'll remember lol

NOPE, off to a bar!

Yay Kima's there!

Oh ok good they're in whitestone whew

annakie: GROG NO DON'T PULL CARDS

Oh man Kaylee and Scanlan's conversation, I'm crying again.

janiemcpants: Grog pulling the card was so goddamn funny Especially in the midst of so much sadness

annakie: Oh my God he just pulled the card in whitestone

omgomgomg

AND ASHLEY'S INTERNET DROPS

Annnnnnnnnnnnd this is why they have to go rescue Grog omg omg omg

annakie: Aw, I was almost hoping they'd actually do one last adventure but that was funny.

janiemcpants: Yeah, I really wish we could have seen the rescue, but they were clearly planning on this being the last episode, and it would have thrown everything off But it was worth it

annakie: ASHLEY’S FUCKING INTERNET DIES RIGHT AS SHE'S ABOUT TO ASK SCANLAN ON A DATE I AM SCREAMING I'M SO MAD

Scanlan and Pike’s conversation was everything I always wanted THEN HER INTERNET DIES

annakie OK Scanlan's epilogue was awesome :3 “I will do literally whatever Pike wants to do.”

And YAY we get to hear about Tary!

YAY LAWRENCE!

janiemcpants: I'm so glad Lawrence wasn't dead! I was totally convinced Tary's dad had him whacked

annakie: Oh God Pike’s marriage proposal and one last grog & scanlan conversation I love it so much I'm crying again

I've known they ended up married for a long time but that was great. :3

janiemcpants: I just love that they both planned to ask each other out in their epilogues!

annakie I KNOW, so great :D

I'm really glad that Scanlan let Pike lead, that was amazing.

janiemcpants: Yes! That brought it from great to perfect

annakie: And he just wanted to follow where she went and helped out.  And they have a home, and Grog with them, and are a perfect weird family! :D

They're my favorite ship, though I love all three very much.

janiemcpants: And Grog gets to stay with his gnomes forever! And he's not left alone even though he didn't end up with a romantic relationship!

annakie: YES!

I love Percy and Vax being so Percy and Vax in their epilogue.  Kids with lots of names!  Tinkering!

janiemcpants: The part about Percy making clocks made me weep BUCKETS

annakie: Percy finding redemption helping Cassandra omg

YES

"Make a clock tower, make art and never make another weapon. I'm good." :D

annakie: Aww Grog taking punishment from Vasselheim

Hahaha the potion guy being the tutor ohhhhh my God this is amazing.

This guy never even got a name did he and yet he's brought so much joy

janiemcpants: I don't think he ever did!

annakie: Marisha is making Liam cry this is so sad

janiemcpants: EVERYONE CRIES SO MUCH AND THAT MAKES ME CRY EVEN MORE

annakie: "And every day that Raven comes to visit."

I'm dead.

Oh my God Matt and Marisha get married THE NEXT WEEK!?

janiemcpants:

YEP!

annakie: Well I'm completely emotionally drained.

(We said a bit more here, but it was personal.)

11:28pm:  I made this post. ) -----------------

I couldn't do much yesterday but think about this fucking show.  I'm catching up on the Talks Machinas I missed from like 108 through 115, I think I'm on 111 now?  I also watched Matt Colville's recap of the episode and why it's so great.  I'd been looking forward to watching that since he made it, since I watch most of what he puts out it's been sitting in my suggested videos like for almost every episode I watched.  That was perfect, as well.

I removed some talk about this in the chatlog Janie and I had but I'm going to take like this week off and catch up on the Specials & Oneshots I didn't watch before.  I need that cooling off period.  I'll probably power through season 2 after it's done and start watching live and wondering if It's Thursday Yet? within a couple of weeks from now.

I'm still sorting through feelings, too.  I'll probably have more to say.

But you know how there's a lot of media you like, and some that you love but only a few make it to that "Favorite things" level, the place where it turns into something that you love wholeheartedly and will remember forever and kinda wish you could erase from your brain so you could re-experience it for the first time again?

I have a few of those.  Futurama.  MST3K.  Parks and Recreation.  Psych.  Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic.  The entire Mass Effect trilogy.  Neverwinter Nights 2.  The Thrilling Adventure Hour.  U2's Songs of Experience album.  Sugar's Copper Blue album.  The Princess Bride.  All of Star Wars.  The Lord of the Rings trilogy.  Star Trek: TNG and DS9.  The Good Place will end up here once it's done.  

And now Critical Role: Season One.  

[totty-chan]

The Truth about Fhujeth vs. Chocho

This isn’t a callout post, it’s a name-clearing and fact-straightening post for @chochomatsu / @domatsu

Before I go on with this post, I’m going to say a few things for the sake of transparency. I have known (or at least known about) both Fhujeth (@totally-totty / @osomi) and Chocho within the Osomatsu-san fandom for roughly a year now. I have had my own share of negative experiences with Fhujeth over that year, not least the Totty Club issues. I met Chocho because of the Totty Club and we’ve been friends since that time. The club is not what this is about though. I just felt I needed to state my relationship with these two people to clear up any potential questions of bias towards one side.

No one in existence is 100% unbiased, one is my friend, the other isn’t. But despite completely different experiences I have tried to maintain neutrality where I possibly can. I already knew there was a past friendship and later breaking of said friendship between Fhujeth and Chocho, and that there was some drama that spilled over into the public domain after that break.

I was told last week that Fhujeth continues to vague post about the situation, suggesting she hasn’t been able to let go. I decided to approach Fhujeth to see what was going on - for the sake of a friend that I care about. Fhujeth knows that I am friends with Chocho but again, for the sake of neutrality, I asked Fhujeth why she sees Chocho as her “abuser”, and what proof there is of this. I am someone who needs proof before I believe. Fhujeth explained her position and gave me some evidence in the form of chatlog to back it up.

After Fhujeth presented her argument to me along with the evidence she had to give, I stated that I wanted to get the other side of the story by talking to Chocho about it. Fhujeth’s nature basically instantly turned more... apologetic? Certainly less fighty. I got the distinct impression she didn’t want me to approach Chocho about this - which to me rang alarm bells.

I then spoke to Chocho about the situation - a story that Chocho has been unwilling to talk about in any detail until now. The reason being that she didn’t want to relive it, hoping that it would blow over and go away. But obviously it hasn’t.

Just to note that Fhujeth (and apparently some of her friends) questioned whether I am being appropriate by mediating between her and Chocho, asking for details as I go. Later on, Fhujeth said this to me:

I try to hear both sides of a story but I also since this summer have been trying not to get too involved in other people's drama. I don't want to because I don't want to get on anyone's badside. I know this is hard to believe but like you, I am someone who sticks up for their friends and fights and often is a diplomat or mediator or a neutral party who tries to hear two sides out. I have been for my friend and someone who wants nothing to do with them who keeps harassing my friend.

My answer is that this is exactly what I am doing here. You are welcome to judge me for making this information public however you see fit.

I have been given explicit permission from Chocho to post the information beyond this point.

I asked for this permission because I feel that it is disgusting that this issue has been going on for so long, an issue affecting a good friend of mine. I am of the opinion that if Fhujeth can go around the fandom spreading chatlogs to incriminate someone, I can use chatlogs to debunk it.

The rest of this post is under a cut - it is a LONG TEXT WALL but it clears up a lot. For those without the time to read a post of this length there is a tl;dr at the end. However you will need to read the post to understand the reasons for the conclusion!

KEY FROM NOW ON:

Normal - Me (totty-chan, Sammy)

[ITALICS] - Chocho’s notes, opinions, etc.

BLOCKQUOTE - Chatlogs - Chocho is normal text, Fhujeth and others are bold

I have been assured by both sides that none of the chatlogs shown to me are edited in any way, except names where appropriate and the occasional note spliced in to better explain certain things. For Jussy, a person unfortunately involved in this, I have replaced their tumblr username with “Jussy” to protect their identity. There is private information (location, etc.) about both parties in the logs which I will replace with “---” for the sake of their privacy. Some chatlogs had images within them - these cannot be shown as they were not logged in the text files and no longer exist. I only sought permission from Chocho to show logs. Anyone who would like to see the evidence shown by Fhujeth will have to ask Fhujeth herself for it.

Both Fhujeth and Chocho mentioned that they used an IM app called “utox”. Fhujeth claimed that this app doesn’t keep logs. Chocho’s logs from this point mostly come from utox (some are from tumblr). This image is proof that logging is possible:

Commissions/Money

The first thing Fhujeth spoke to me about was regarding commissions done by Chocho for other people.

totty You want the chatlogs? I have one that was taken from when her and a friend of mine were talking after my friend found out Chocho had been pretending to be two different people and pleading as both for commissions and I have our last convo that we had before the "we're not talking anymore." That she sent me after I had chosen to stop signing in to get away from her.

Fhujeth gave me evidence in the form of a chatlog about the second issue mentioned here first. I’m going to cover the issue regarding begging for commissions first despite not being given “evidence” about it until a lot later in the conversation. This also involves other people and money which is why it’s the important one.

Fhujeth claimed that Chocho asked people for commissions, claiming that she “needed money for this or that reason really bad.” There was also a claim that Chocho would pretend to be both “Domatsu” and “Chocho” - two separate people - in an attempt to ask for more money from the same person. This person is a mutual friend of both Fhujeth and Chocho.

Fhujeth claimed to have proof that Domatsu and Chocho are the same person but said that Chocho admitted this anyway so it wasn’t needed.

When I asked Chocho about this, she said:

[I never asked anybody for commissions, ever. It's against my morals. I made a commissions promo post on domatsu in order to replace my dodgy old Wacom tablet that was years old, worn down and no longer supported for parts and did commissions for that, people continued to commission me after that, even though I posted when I got my tablet. That was their choice. Fhujeth saying that I squeezed Jussy for tons of money... whilst Jussy did commission me A LOT, she always came to ME asking, I never asked her (unlike Fhujeth who flat out said to me one time that she was going to go ask Jussy to commission her). I never begged Jussy and I never approached her or pressured her to commission me. She always asked first and I always made sure she was okay with the price and knew where all the pricing was coming from in the picture before she agreed to it. I thanked her for all her commissions because she really did help me.]

Chocho gave me evidence of Jussy asking for the commissions:

Jussy Hey, honey~ ^.^ hope you are well? I can't stop looking at my OsoMisha piece~ *u* and I am so happy with it~<3 I would love to commission you again X33 Jussy I will email you again~ ;) with my new idea~

Jussy BTW, when I get paid again, I was thinking of commissioning you again, but for something different ;3 * at the end of the month

Jussy Haha XDD you think you can take on another commission of mine? ;3

Jussy Eeeee, plz let him tumblr XDD and yush~ 0w0 it is <3 such great times X3 Plus, your Kara comic inspired me to commission you for an OsoMisha one X3

Jussy Soon, I'd love to commission an icon X3

Jussy I was thinking of Osomatsu and his brothers surprising Misha on her birthday on the 10th >w< Jussy as a commission

Jussy Hey, ChoCho X3 you up for me to commission you again? c:

Jussy Now I have the urge to commission Misha taking care of Osomatsu in the clothes his wearing~

Chocho also gave me this chatlog between her and Fhujeth regarding Jussy, commissions, the cost of said commissions, and asking for them.

Fhujeth: Jussy wants to pay me 35 (total) for a drawing with 3 chars (dollars) yay or nay Chocho: Fullbody or no Chocho: *? Fhujeth: full body Fhujeth: that's alot less than she was paying Chocho: I'd ask for 40 at least Fhujeth: Did my art value suddenly change Chocho: I don't think so! Chocho: Did she mean £? Fhujeth: Originally she paid 71$ for it Chocho: Or does she not know currency conversion? Chocho: What did she even say? Fhujeth: Cus I'm not sure if I should be insulted and hurt and start crying and just stop doing commissions or think she has no idea about currency conversion Chocho: I'd fall on the last one there first Fhujeth: I really hope so... Chocho: This is Jussy Fhujeth: [9:38:02 AM] Jussy: Yo~ ;3 [10:48:33 AM] Firrymatsu: Hi ^^ I am going to get this commission done fast but is is possible to be commissioned again sometime soon I just had to go to the doctor and my medication was 25 pounds ;.; [10:49:40 AM] Jussy: Okay my darling~ >w< and sure thing my honey~ ^.^ you know, I was thinking I COULD give you back the sketch you gave me, so you can finish it off and I give you 25 $ or more for it~ : 3 [10:49:54 AM] Jussy: Now you have a good idea on Hummingdoe's appearance [10:50:22 AM] Firrymatsu: dollars or pounds :o [10:50:52 AM] Jussy: Dollars ^w^ [10:51:36 AM] Firrymatsu: the one with croc, moosel, and hummingdoe? [10:52:07 AM] Jussy: That's right ^w^ [10:55:32 AM] Firrymatsu: 25 dollars is not very much @_@ [10:56:03 AM] Jussy: Okay X3 35? [10:56:21 AM] Jussy: or 40? Fhujeth: does she even have a concept of money? Fhujeth: I'm taking into consideration the 10 she already gave me... Chocho: I haven't a clue! Fhujeth: I'm too tired for this ;.; Fhujeth: It's 3 full body characters in a style I dunno, one is a fan character with an out of style reference.... Chocho: I'd also consider that you are asking her to commission you and give her money rather than her making that decision herself to ask on her own... Fhujeth: Yeah! I am taking that into consideration. Originally this idea we planned at 70, I think 50 is fair? Fhujeth: or 45 Chocho: Ask her for that! Fhujeth: Ok! Fhujeth: [10:56:03 AM] Jussy: Okay X3 35? [10:56:21 AM] Jussy: or 40? [10:59:41 AM] Firrymatsu: 40 @_@ then you had already paid that 10 dollars towards it, that makes it 50 - I'd normally charge 70 but since I am asking you for help I will go lower?

Fhujeth: i'll reply when i am done with this commission is reluctantly asked if they were willing to commission me again.

[See? She flat out asked/begged Jussy to commission her... and was insulted with the price Jussy was willing to pay. From what I could gather, Jussy wasn't happy with the sketch Fhujeth gave her before so wanted to commission Fhujeth for something else instead of the original pic?]

(Note, Firrymatsu = Fhujeth)

From my perspective it appears Chocho received commission requests - she didn’t go asking for them personally. There is evidence that it was in fact Fhujeth that asked for at least two commissions rather than being approached.

Also (this is just my opinion), what is wrong with commissioning under multiple aliases? Novel authors write books under different names all the time to separate styles - and make money on those separately. It happens in the music world too, songwriters often have multiple aliases or they ghostwrite for other singers or bands, making money as they go. It’s not immoral, it’s just a method of being able to separate different styles of working and still be able to keep on top of things. I do not understand why Fhujeth is using this against Chocho in an attempt to back up the “abuser” claim.

Fhujeth also said this to me regarding Chocho and Jussy:

If you see her collection you'll understand she had no NEED for money, she had a WANT for money. When Jussy found out that not only was her money going towards the same person but also not for needed things like food and health but for buying say, a full set of 45 dollar a piece matsu plush... she was not terribly happy.

I asked Chocho about this and was given this chatlog with an explanation afterwards:

Chocho: We live in a little town. =( Fhujeth: Ahhhh. Fhujeth: That makes it creepier you're so close to Jussy then. Chocho: It's not even that... it's a sub-town? Or village? I dunno. --- is the area, --- is the town... and we're in --- which is considered a part of --- overall so I guess it's a village Chocho: Yeah, we are REALLY close to Jussy Fhujeth: we don't have villages here so I have no idea how to like.... word it. Yeah it seems creepy..... like nothing on her but she is strange... part of me wonders if she is an adult... or a kid.... or an impulse buyer Fhujeth: Like nothing on your fanart I just don't see how someone can afford all that so fast like wow. Fhujeth: That's a lot of artwork of a weird fantasy. Chocho: I dunno. =T Not complaining though, it helped John with his bills this month

Chocho: I finished one of the comms for Jussy Fhujeth: Yay! Chocho: dop Chocho: =image goes here= Fhujeth: you did it!! Fhujeth: cute! Fhujeth: she will love that Chocho: Thank-you! =) Chocho: 1 down Chocho: 3 Chocho: to Chocho: go Fhujeth: are they easier ones? Chocho: Not particularly Chocho: One involves Iyami Chocho: who is a bitch to draw Chocho: And one is hypnotism-esque Fhujeth: from her? Chocho: Well, yeah Chocho: I don't take commissions from anybody but you, John, Jussy and Cathie at the moment Fhujeth: Ahh that is nice and a smart idea Chocho: I really want to help John out. @_@ Chocho: So I'm just having the money sent straight to him Fhujeth: Good idea! Fhujeth: And they have lots Fhujeth: Well, I wonder what Jussy really is she seems to be so mysterious

(And when Fhujeth says that I "didn't use the money on life but on merch instead"... that's not entirely true. I got some merch that I had ordered sent to my friend because I couldn't receive it here and it ended up being way larger than we expected, it was HUGE! If I'd have known they were THAT BIG I wouldn't have ordered them, but they were and we ended up with them. He had to send them one by one and they cost $22.50 to send EACH. He IOU'd me the money and sent them over to me since his house is not very big and they were taking up space. Then it turned out that he was short of funds for personal reasons (I'm not gonna say what because it's private), so I wanted to pay him back ASAP to help with his bills. So I was getting Jussy to send ALL the commission money she paid me directly to my friend (John) in order to pay him back for his kindness and help his bills. So yes, whilst it was not going on MY bills, it was going on my FRIEND's bills. And whilst it was TECHNICALLY going "towards merch", it was actually going towards paying my friend back for the postage it cost him to get them to me. Fhujeth knows this.)

I personally don’t see an issue with spending commission money on merch, or for that matter, anything. In any case, this issue doesn’t seem to be quite as clear-cut as Fhujeth was painting it to be. The obvious conclusion from the things Fhujeth told me would be that Chocho demanded to be commissioned due to a strong “NEED” for money, claimed that it was for “things like food and health”, only to spend it on merch. I’ve seen enough evidence to be able to say that this isn’t the case.

Chocho also gave me further logs about the commissions/money issues:

Fhujeth: I refunded her the 35 when the REALLY EVIL PART OF ME WAS LIKE, "Dude keep it dude, dude, duuude, dude, greed, dude, greed, dude."

Fhujeth: plus the 45 USD she just tossed me for (well, some stuff I paid 3 dollars for basically) Chocho: How much profit are you making off of her? Fhujeth: The camera case/bag was in a super clearance machine I think they put it in there to make it difficult to grab the iyamis and chibitas cus it was big and would catch the claw but I was like, "FUCK THAT" and got all the chibitas and iyamis around it and then pulled it out Fhujeth: and then like there was times I just bulk won tons of osomatsu keychains and she bought 2 of those Fhujeth: cus on golden week they rigged the machines to pay out super crazy easy and I spend like 300 dollars I ended up with like 8 choros and 7 jyushis Fhujeth: contacted jussy about the osomatsu cushion hehe Fhujeth: did I tell you I charged her 10 shipping and her item to ship turned out to be 180 Chocho: 180? Fhujeth: like 2 dollars

Fhujeth: "the keychain and pillow (very huggable) for 65 + shipping (and you already paid for " ya so I know what you'll do with these poor plush so I will charge 15 for the keyring and 50 for the plush juss Fhujeth: me: Well the pillow which I sell for 40 I'll sell to you for 50 and this keychain I sell for 10 I'll sell to you for 15 and I know oyu paid shipping on the other thing you bought but I'ma go ahead and ignore that and combine this all shipping so 15 shipping Fhujeth: yeah I feel bad Fhujeth: but I also am like Fhujeth: she is really Fhujeth: but I Will give her a nicer shipping i think Fhujeth: at least tracking Fhujeth: you: *terrible person* Fhujeth: you're thinking that Fhujeth: a bad person would be if I decided to not refund her that 35 dollars and see what happens x.x Chocho: I didn't say anything! =B Fhujeth: What are you thinking? Chocho: That I'm not sure if Ichimatsu looks right? XD Fhujeth: So you don't care if I charge her for things? Fhujeth: Like a lot. Chocho: Oh, I do, but it's none of my business. =B

Fhujeth: I most def do not feel bad Fhujeth: charging her Fhujeth: because she probably torments many people

[I find it amazing she says about my "collection"! Hahaha! She's shown people her collection what, countless times? She has far, far more than I do and it's not like she needs that any more than I do. XD SHE's the one who doesn't have a need for money, not me, I never inherited anything from anybody! SHE's the one who has a want for money, even though as far as I know, she has a lot already! (She also liked to horrendously overcharge Jussy for things, just because she knew Jussy wouldn't question!)

To be honest, any time Fhujeth offered me something to buy off her it was.... really unnerving... it wasn't like a friendly "Oh yeah, you can buy this if you want", it was always so... like a sharp merchant, not a friend helping another get something. She even said one time that she would only hold a piece of merch for me for "up to a year"... that put quite the unnerved feeling onto me... XD;;; And it was ALWAYS like that... we had to make sure the money was 100% EQUAL AND ACCOUNTED FOR. To be honest, it was scary. She did this with the plush she wanted me to make her too. I didn't really like buying from Fhujeth, it was stressful, but a lot of the time I felt pressured.]

Fhujeth: well, I have one Chocho: One is in 18 Fhujeth: I will sell it Fhujeth: I can hold it Chocho: Oh? =o Well... if you want to... Fhujeth: if you're up for that Fhujeth: I don't mind holding stuff for you up to a year

I’m seeing a “NEED” for money from Fhujeth here - not Chocho. There are also some very obvious nasty and insulting attacks on Jussy from Fhujeth combined with some extremely unfair financial tactics in an attempt to squeeze more money out of her.

Another part of my conversation with Fhujeth involved a claim that Chocho demanded to be commissioned by Jussy to buy a new cellphone:

She threw her phone on her bed and it accidentally cracked and broke (baring in mind this was a phone her dad gave her, had no service, and she used to play games on it). She said she was gonna ask Jussy for help to her a new one. We were also talking about Timezones for another reason. If it wasn't cause the phone broke it was cause she wanted something else but I remember around that part not caring too much.

I think it was the phone.

Chocho gave me this chat between her and Jussy along with comments and chat with Fhujeth:

chochomatsu And my phone smashed yesterday tooooo Jussy B'awww, I am soooo sorry to heat that my lovely ;w; chochomatsu Not having a good time (;m;) Jussy what?? o0o nooo! Anything I can do to help? ;w; chochomatsu Yeah! (;m;) [<--- Note, this is a response to "what?? o0o nooo!", not "Anything I can do to help? ;w;] Some of the glass actually fell out... so... it's pretty much unusable now. (;_;) RIP my phone...I didn't even have it all that long... Jussy Oooh, my...you poor lass ;3; <3 can you get it fixed? chochomatsu And I can't afford to get another one either! At least I didn't use it all that often... (;w;);;; Jussy b'awww ;3; I only use my phone for calling and texting chochomatsu I think it's pretty much gone. (;_;) I don't think you can replace the screens on these... This was my first ever smart phone, I wanted one for years... and I think it lasted... a few months... not even a year! Jussy Ooooh, poopy ;3; what a shame How did it break? chochomatsu It was a really silly thing. (;_;) I went to bed last night and took it with me because I do Japanese study just before bed... I put the charger on my pillow and then gently plopped my phone on top... Jussy b'awww ;3; chochomatsu BANG Glass all over my pillow... Jussy Oooh, my..o.o Jussy goodness it happens darling, don't worry chochomatsu Yeah. (;_;) I feel really stupid... it wasn't even that hard an impact, I guess it just hit it in the wrong place Jussy aww, I am sorry dear ;3; chochomatsu I think we passed your workplace today though! Jussy Really?? 0w0 --- That's where --- is~ chochomatsu Yeah! You work at --- Bupa, right? Jussy I do :D Jussy what time?

[we talked here about completely different things for a while until we had to go, this next part is the next day]

11/23/2016 Jussy Aaaahh, Hey, ChoCho~ X3 I would like to help you get a new phone by commissioning you. I have something in mind and I would like to discuss it ^w^ chochomatsu Hiya, good morning, Jussy! <3 How are you today? And thankyou so much! (;m;) That is so sweet of you! <3 *hugs* Jussy Good morning my darling~ ^w^ I am good, a bit better from my cold >w< <3 and ya welcome, always happy to help out~ ^.^ *hugs*

[In regards to the phone, I never asked Jussy for commissions to cover replacing it. I mentioned it to Jussy because she was my friend and I was frustrated I'd just broke my phone (anybody would be I think), she approached me the next day saying she wanted to commission me to put towards getting myself a new phone, which I was absolutely greatful for. This commission I asked her to send to my BOYFRIEND instead since he'd be the one buying the phone and I wanted that money to absolutely go towards the phone. But before I could get the phone, Fhujeth lied to Jussy about me in order to put Jussy off me and cut me off from any future commissions (knowing that I only ever accepted commissions off of Jussy by that point). Since I no longer had any kind of income, I had to send the entirety of that money to John since he was a priority over a new phone. I still don't have a new phone (but luckily for me, it hasn't fallen apart yet like we expected! Since the crack is right at the button, we expected the button to fall out at any time, luckily it hasn't. I had to stop doing my kanji/kana learning because that involved drawing the kanji/kana on the screen and the sensitivity is basically shot on that part of the screen making it very hard to do anything there.).

(Also, my phone has always had service (you can see that it does, "TESCO" in the bottom corner of the photo I gave Jussy of my phone showing the damage)

It wasn't my Dad that gave it to me, it was my Boyfriend's Dad and I used it to study Japanese with apps because it was too weak to play the phone games without crashing. I tried playing Hesokuri Wars on it for a bit, but it was unreliable and crashed during game play a lot. So whilst I left it on my phone for ages, I didn't open it because it wouldn't load at all eventually (updates made it too hefty). I mostly played things like Hesokuri Wars and Tabimatsu on my PC using an emulator called Andy. It was FHUJETH's phone that didn't have service that she only used for games.]

Fhujeth: My mobile lost service... 3-4 months ago.

Chocho: My phone is too shit to run Hesokuri Wars without endless crashing

Fhujeth: we should find a chat program that works on your phone Chocho: It's like shell shock Chocho: I don't think any will, it's just not powerful enough to be any more than a call and text thing

I don’t think I really need to add to this - the proof is clear enough for me.

Fhujeth also told me this, bringing another person into the issue with Chocho and commissioning:

Cathie had her own experiences with Dexts (commissions being rushed/made poorly).

Like she'd pay 100 for a drawing that was not nearly up to par for what Domatsu usually did. That was one thing she told me

This is Chocho’s response to this claim along with logs to back it up:

Chocho: And Jussy knows I plan to finish hers when it's cooler Fhujeth: Totty: Choromatsu-Niisan is the kind of person who wears..... like... the pads on the elbos and all Chocho: It's okay if I fuck up a background, it's not okay if I fuck up paid art

[The background in this chatlog was regarding the backgrounds I used to draw for domatsus blog updates. All of the art I have ever done on commission for anybody, ever, including Fhujeth themself, was to the best of my ability at the time. I promise that completely, I have no desire to "half-arse" anything. I have no idea where Cathie got the idea that I didn't draw pictures up to par of my others at the time? I always tried my very best... =/ If Cathie said that at all, I wouldn't know! But I honestly had no idea she felt that way.]

Chocho: I don't want to cop out on the story Chocho: That's why it's pissing me off so fucking much Fhujeth: Rush it? Chocho: no Chocho: Absolutely not Chocho: Quality or bust Fhujeth: i mean it's good and i can help you make sure it's in character Chocho: I've got a good reputation I don't want to fuck it up by coughing up half arsed shit onto the blog Chocho: Yeah, it's a matter of pride, but also a matter of respect for my fans

Fhujeth: It's nice to have stuff made by friends! I liked the figure i had from my friend but i was bummed when i realized she made it shitty on purpose ;.; Chocho: did they really though? Fhujeth: I'm 99& sure. Fhujeth: %^ Chocho: i have more respect for myself than to do that Fhujeth: They're those kind of people.

chochomatsu i have far too much respect for my works to do anything less than my best i wouldn't want to crap out a shitty item chochomatsu i never like asking anybody for money

Fhujeth: Apparently I illustrated a book... and it's coming out soonish..... *halfassed all the art they accepted it and took it my mind is blown, all it is I think they changed the cover*

Doesn’t look like Chocho is the one that “halfassed” art for other people. Art is, of course, subjective... but as long as the person drawing it does so to the best of their current ability and with as much effort as they can spend on it, that’s just fine.

An extra note from me... I saw this in the logs I was given and thought it worth mentioning (because it’s just... not right).

Fhujeth: So for a picture I might charge 25 for I charge 50 for to someone who I knew made 6 figures a year and wanted --- KND operatives Chocho: I think my biggest deal is asking for money full stop

Fhujeth is charging higher prices to people who she knows to have more money. I don’t recall rich people walking into a store and having to pay more because they’re rich. This isn’t a variable income tax system.

The Plush

Still regarding commissions and money in reality, Fhujeth told me about trying to commission Chocho for a custom Matsu plush. This is part of what Fhujeth said to me:

She made a Karamatsu plush and it had messy hair, he was supposed to be from her blog. I didn't like the hair but the plush the rest of it came out great. I told her the honest truth about it. Later she made a Choromatsu plush and I LOVED IT and I kept saying how I wanted to commission her for one and she kept holding the thing I said like 4 months prior about the one's hair against me?

We were friends so I wanted to give her my honest answer when she asked what I thought. The rest of the plush was fine but the hair just looked really off on it. She made the Posing Karamatsu too which I loved as well! I really liked the pattern she made for the Choro one but a lot. A LOT of drama would constantly ensue whenever I said, "hey I wanna commission you for one."

I wasn’t at all sure what the real problem was here or why it was brought up with regards to Chocho being an “abuser”. When I asked Chocho about this one it took a long time to explain.

[Ok... this is a complex one that needs a LOT of backstory to explain... so... I can make plush, but I can't make them EASILY because I don't have a sewing or embroidery machine. Everything I do on a plush has to be done by hand using a needle and thread. That includes the face embroidery/embroidery anywhere else. This takes hours and can mess up my hands/fingers because of repeated pressure of a thin, metal stick pressing into them (also because pushing the embroidery needle through multiple layers of fabric and embroidery REALLY hurts. @_@ And you can stab yourself all too easily. I don't like doing it really so try to avoid it and don't take any commissions unless they are specifically for friends. Fhu knew about the faces and embroidery, so she knew it was a hard and painful activity before she even started pressing for a Totty plush later on.]

Chocho: I have a question Fhujeth: sure :3 Chocho: If I were to make Karamatsu plush, should I make it chibi like the official ones or proportional Fhujeth: that would depend on if you want it to be proportional or chibi :O Fhujeth: why not both Chocho: Because it takes a long time to hand embroider the faces. XD Chocho: And I'm limited on fabric. =( Fhujeth: you hand embroider? wooow Chocho: Yeah! Fhujeth: woow that looks like it would take forever Chocho: It does. @_@ Chocho: And it hurts. XD Fhujeth: that is some dedication Chocho: It's the only way I can do it. =( Chocho: Which is why I only do plush commissions for friends. XD Fhujeth: well, otherwise it'd be a lot

[Eventually, I felt like Fhujeth was a close enough friend to me for me to want to make her a plush. So I offered that I could potentially trade some merch for a small, custom demon Todomatsu plush. I was instantly made uneasy by how it all became about "how much are you going to charge me?". What was simply a "maybe you'd like something made by a friend?" had suddenly turned into a hyper-serious TRANSACTION. I was basically put on the spot to give a price for something that I hadn't even planned yet, I wasn't even suggesting actual money, just a merch trade. That felt like pressure and I was a bit unnerved, but I shook it off.]

Chocho: Hey.. I have an idea/proposition Fhujeth: Go oooooon :O Chocho: Would you be willing to take payment for some thing in the form of a tiny demon Totty plush? Chocho: *some things Fhujeth: :O payment for like what, and PROBABLY x3 just what I have here or? like the kara head/buttons? Since I think we're about even on the auction lot Chocho: I think we're about even on the auction, yeah! =D And I dunno, yeah, the merch you get in Japan I guess, yes! XD Chocho: I'm not sure how big he'd be since things always come out bigger than I expect... Chocho: But he'd be custom cos he'd be demon Totty Fhujeth: i'll be buying more blind bags of stuff :O so I can just keep you updated. Yeah @-@ Chocho: I'd have to make a new pattern. XD I can't use Karamatsu's because he is MASSIVE Chocho: Okay! =D Chocho: How much would you be willing to pay for the plush anyways? @.@ If he came out to be about 12-15cm? Fhujeth: What are you charging o_o Chocho: I was gonna make him keychain sized? But I just know he'll end up bigger. B/ Chocho: I dunno because I've never really done it before. Chocho: Well, I've made things for John on commission but yeah Chocho: I know the cost of fabrics and time and pain Fhujeth: Like, how many hours would it HYPOTHETICALLY TAKE Chocho: But that doesn't line up to what people expect to pay so Chocho: Well Chocho: How long do patterns take. =_= Hmm... a few hours Chocho: Making plush can take... over a week Chocho: (It's usually way longer to be honest, but they're usually bigger( Fhujeth: I'm not sure o_o I'd like it but my budget is only as big as what I have ATM. Kara head is 35 + the buttons is 9 (minus one from the doodle just now) Chocho: Watch him end up being half the size of Karamatsu instead of 12-15cm Chocho: We can wait and see! Fhujeth: And as I get more stuff I'll figure things out o_o I'm bad with plush prices. Chocho: It was just an idea. XD Fhujeth: I am interested! And yeah! Fhujeth: If you can give me a number it'd be better!! and you should put a dog squaeky inside it o_O so it makes some sound, if you can, I think you can get that from like... a cheap store and take out of dog toy.... ?? which I can pay for? AHHHH, let's wait till I figure things out but assume right now we're at 42 dollars or something Chocho: Hahaha! XD That's a good idea on the squeaker! Chocho: Yeah, we'll keep it in mind! =D Chocho: (Also gotta remember the face embroidery) Fhujeth: Yeah x.,x Chocho: I wish I had a machine for that. =(

[The idea of the plush stuck around though]

Chocho: I'm really concerned about this plush Fhujeth: Aww don't worry about it too much. Fhujeth: I am not that picky if love is involved. Chocho: Yeah, but you don't want him to be hideous Chocho: I also worry about the quality of the embroidery Chocho: Because I'm not a machine Fhujeth: oh I am not picky on that I will know it is hand made. as long as it wont fall apart. Chocho: It shouldn't fall apart Chocho: But it might be ugly Fhujeth: I got a sculpture from sone, I showed them the example of what I wanted, I showed them a turn around, the got the proportions all wrong Fhujeth: you wont be that bad. Fhujeth: I still kept the loved the sculture Fhujeth: scupture Chocho: Kept the sculpture? Fhujeth: I kept it and loved it^ Chocho: What sculpture? Fhujeth: it was of my knd oc Fhujeth: i commissioned her because i thought she'd do really good Chocho: Was it not so good then? =< Fhujeth: i was disappointed greatly Fhujeth: but said nothing Chocho: Aww.. =( Chocho: I'm sorry about that Chocho: That's what I'm worried about

Fhujeth: I've commissioned some original stuff of my characters and came out really bad, in fact one I think got made bad on purpose.... Fhujeth: But I loved it anyways until one day the head came off because they didn't bake it enough... like the wire just split through the head >< I wanted them to fix it but I moved by then so it's at my dads so it wouldn't break more Fhujeth: And I'll be honest on a technical level and for that person's skill it was atrocious and when I first saw it I felt kind of bothered... Fhujeth: But I thought maybe it wasn't like that on purpose and they did it the best they could so I put it with all my other stuff of that OC

There was a weird situation building up here from what I could tell. Fhujeth wanted a quality plush which is fair enough, and Chocho doubted her ability to match the requirements. Fhujeth saying that they’ve commissioned other people and been disappointed with the result in the past was obviously furthering the doubt from Chocho that the requirements could be fulfilled. Claiming that a past commission had been done badly on purpose was, to me, a step too far. There doesn’t seem to be any proof of that here and presenting that thought to Chocho inevitably heightened the concern about being able to satisfy Fhujeth even further. I know for sure that if someone commissioned me for anything creative and was mentioning past commissions in this sense I would lose all confidence in my ability.

[The concept of a "demon Totty" plush had become a thing and was on our er.... list of things I owe in trade for merch? No merch traded hands though, I liked to pay for them first... but Fhujeth would "put things aside" on the "plush list", though not everything applied. In any case, I eventually decided to try and make a small Karamatsu plush as a test, since Fhujeth didn't like the risk of me making her a plush without seeing the pattern first. I was a little unsure about him, his hoodie kind of pinched his neck because I'd made the opening too small and his hair was VERY fluffy because of the fur I'd used for it. I felt concerned about him, especially since Fhujeth had now set this very high bar in my mind, what with being so money concerned, telling me about how she was certain her friend intentionally made her a bad commission sculpture to spite her and that she was VERY disappointed in the result, but didn't say anything... also with the idea that she didn't want to risk me making it without proving she'd like the pattern first.]

Chocho: Progress Fhujeth: aww that looks adorable! Chocho: NOT WHEN HE HAS A HEAD Chocho: I just placed it there Chocho: I used the long pile fur so it would NOT be that messy if I had used the minky Chocho: OH WELL Chocho: Whatever Chocho: I'm only finishing this really because it'd be a waste of embroidery otherwise. XD Fhujeth: give him bandages Fhujeth: have big Kara care for poor injured baby scruffy kara Chocho: It this particular one worth the effort? Chocho: "He looks retarded because he fell off the roof" Fhujeth: xDDDD Chocho: I guess he's not THAT bad Chocho: but eh Chocho: I don't think he's worth $ Chocho: maybe if the hair was shorter fur but I dunno, can't really tell that because it's not Fhujeth: haircut? Chocho: Nah Chocho: Because once it's cut it can't come back Chocho: And if I fuck it up that's it fucked up further for good! Chocho: But yeah, I don't think I can make you a Totty. @_@ I'm sorry Fhujeth: it is ok ^-^ Chocho: I didn't think you'd like it! XD Fhujeth: you don't seem confident :3 Fhujeth: so it is ok! Chocho: You don't seem to like how he looks anyway though. XD Fhujeth: it's hard to tell with the hair tbh Chocho: It's overall pretty shitty, huh? Fhujeth: Nooo! Fhujeth: The body for sure looks great Chocho: But the most important part is the head Fhujeth: the face is good too! Fhujeth: but the hair is very... wild Chocho: Really? I thought the face looked bad... Well yeah, I used craft fur, minky is like what you have on the keychain plush Chocho: Look at the length on big Karamatsu compared to little here Fhujeth: yeah! that is a hugeee difference Chocho: Yeah

[The small Karamatsu plush's hair kept coming up, even though I had explained that I used a different fur than what I would use for hers....]

Chocho: Be honest, do you want a chibi body like the keychain plush, or a to scale one Fhujeth: whichever you as the artist want. What do you personally thing might look better Chocho: The body pattern I have looks more to scale Fhujeth: I do like the chibi body but a real body, if it translates well, the bunny I got, did you see how it is... Fhujeth: it's like 2.5 heads tall Fhujeth: how is that like... that is ok too... Fhujeth: 3 heads tall Fhujeth: ok Fhujeth: 2 heads ehh Chocho: XD Chocho: I dunno Fhujeth: I like the height of the karamatsu plush but yeah his head (and hair) bugged me Fhujeth: we talk little the big one is fine Chocho: Well, I told you that his hair was not the same fabric. =P Fhujeth: yeah! Chocho: I used craft fur, not minky, cos I wanted it messy Chocho: But yeah, seriously though, no promises Chocho: I've seen a ton of cute plush and I don't think I'm cut out for it Chocho: To be honest, I knew you didn't like it as soon as you said you didn't know if you wanted to trade for it yet Fhujeth: brb my mom got me Chocho: Ok! Chocho: I think for now, it's best to assume I won't be able to do this, ok? The plush. Chocho: To be honest, to make one to the proportions of cute bunny Totty would involve me remaking the pattern all over again, not just the head. And that involves making the clothes patterns again too. It's a lot of effort that to be honest I don't think I'm willing to put in. Chocho: The effort and time to make ANOTHER pattern (especially if it just fails again), considering that I've already made 2 Matsu patterns already, not that one of them was with Totty in mind, but nonetheless... if more time, effort and stress than I think you'd be willing to trade for Chocho: *is Fhujeth: oh the bunny totty is bleg Fhujeth: I like your big karamatsu Fhujeth: bug maybe half the size Fhujeth: but^ Chocho: That would still be making a whole new pattern. u_u And I thought the Bunny Totty was really nice. =( Fhujeth: not just a resize Chocho: The way that big Karamatsu's head is done makes it hard to resize. =( Chocho: Besiiiides Chocho: I'm sure you wouldn't like the nasty darts I had to put in to make his hair work... Chocho: Also, his head flops cos it's heavy, you don't want it Chocho: It's too hot to work on anything plush now anyway. Because I don't have a machine, all the sweat that the hot, muggy weather causes will soak right into the fabric. Which is disgusting. So I avoid it... I also think if I had a machine that would do the face for me in a matter of minutes, it wouldn't be a problem... but I don't.. so every failure is a lot of wasted time and pain and suffering. All in all... I don't think I could make you something you wouldn't be disappointed with. =( Chocho: And not because I think you would rip into it, but because I don't think I have the skills Chocho: Anyways, I better get to bed! G'night! I'll catch you tomorrow! Fhujeth: nooo Fhujeth: i haD TO EAY Fhujeth: eat Fhujeth: so soon Fhujeth: so soon Fhujeth: to when I came back Fhujeth: i was gonna confess eerything to you Chocho: Confess? Chocho: I only send the message a minute ago. XD Fhujeth: AHH YOU ARE HERE MY FRIEND <3 Fhujeth: Yeah but a minute, less than you can walk away Chocho: But really, I do need to go after I've taken my meds, Kirk has to get up early Fhujeth: I love you, I am glad I met you. before we fuss, let me clarify things hsould we get into an argument Chocho: It's probably best we do this tomorrow so I can sleep. XD;;; Fhujeth: please, when we end a day in a huff and you show up not the next day it hurts so bad Chocho: As in, if it takes a negative turn, I can never sleep and Kirk's health tomorrow depends on me sleeping Fhujeth: Affirmative, be well, sleep well. Fhujeth: It was more detailed, that was a summary. Chocho: I didn't think we were arguing or having a huff today. '3' Fhujeth: not today! just anytime~ Fhujeth: like the other day Chocho: I was just expressing that I don't think I'm fit for purpose!

Which way round is this? Fhujeth claimed to me that Chocho was the one that brought up the hair thing and held it against Fhujeth. These chatlogs suggest it’s the other way around; Fhujeth really didn’t like whatever had been done with this other plush’s hair and was holding it over Chocho’s head whenever the idea of the Totty plush commission was discussed.

[I started to pay off the stuff we had on the "Totty plush list" from what I remember, since my first attempt had been not good enough. Fhujeth still wanted a Totty Plush though so that was still in the air. Then there was a set of limited edition... uhhh... lottery official plush I think it was? Of the Matsus in the "I <3 Toto" outfits released. I managed to get the Choro through my friend in Japan and I wanted the Kara (of course) but he was nowhere to be seen. Eventually one popped up on Yahoo Auctions!, but he was expensive, I couldn't afford him. Fhujeth mentioned she wanted it, but would feel bad if she got it (and I didn't), so I figured I'd offer, if she was willing to grab the plush and hold it, I could trade it for the Totty plush (if I could do it to her standards), otherwise she could keep the plush for herself without guilt, or sell the plush off for profit or something since it's limited edition and the value will only go up. She didn't want to "RISK" it, which made me incredibly upset since she, by this point, had repeatedly insisted/hinted that I wouldn't do a job good enough for her to accept and it was getting quite insulting. Why did she keep saying these things, yet keep asking for the plush? =/;]

Chocho: I really want that but it's out of my reach Fhujeth: I like it but I'd feel bad if I got it Chocho: Would you trade me it for a demon Totty plush? Fhujeth: You mean like I buy it, keep it in the package and all and if you design a plush I like we trade or is it I buy it expecting we trade? Because in one regard that is alot of pressure because One I see done, already, the other I don't... so... and then if you make it and there is some issue then I'll feel so bad and obligated to say yes anyways. Like what are you thinking o.x Fhujeth: I mean Fhujeth: what are you thinking/what is your idea Chocho: Yeah. I'd trade you that Karamatsu straight for a demon Totty plush and we would make sure it's a pattern you like. Chocho: Nah, never mind, it was just a thought Fhujeth: Isn't that a lot of work for a plush like that? Chocho: It is Fhujeth: I'm willing to take the risk I guess... I hate calling it a risk but... In the end I guess my biggest fear is you present me with something and I dislike it and then we end in a problem. I'm not picky but my last few non-drawn commissions from people have been all crap. Fhujeth: Not saying you'd do that! Fhujeth: I'm just saying it's like I pay for something and it breaks. Fhujeth: Not that a plush can break, and yours look like good quality. Chocho: You think my plush would fall apart? Chocho: If you think it's too much of a risk don't worry about it! Fhujeth: No, no. Fhujeth: Do you prefer me not expressing just my thoughts outloud? Chocho: I think it's kind of insulting you think that doing a trade with me is a huge risk and you'll probably get something you'll hate... Chocho: But it's fine, don't worry about it! Fhujeth: No that's not my concern! See now I feel guilty ^^;; Chocho: I'd prefer not to do all the work of making a pattern and plush and the face embroidery for one plush anyway Fhujeth: I'll do the trade if that is what you want to do. Chocho: Because it IS a lot of work, effort and, since you seem to think I'd fuck up, heartache for a $55 plush +fees and postage Fhujeth: It's not that I don't trust you I just always jump to the worst conclusions. Fhujeth: Chances are the plush is going to be super cute and awesome. Chocho: I don't really want to make a plush for somebody who thinks I'm going to churn out junk... that is WAY too much pressure Fhujeth: I feel like you're trying to guilt trip me.... Fhujeth: ..but maybe I am misreading it. Chocho: Not really, I just feel hurt that every time I mention making a plush you make it sound like I'm going to make an ugly piece of crap Chocho: You are the only one who has ever repeatedly made me feel like I churn out shit plush... Fhujeth: I really want a plush from you! Fhujeth: I'm just really nervous to buy plush, always. Chocho: I don't want to make a plush for you because you don't trust I can do it Chocho: It's fine, I don't need to spend another $55+ anyway really!! Chocho: And plush take weeks Fhujeth: I do really want a plush from you. Fhujeth; I am patient and in no rush. Chocho: What if I can't make something you like? Fhujeth: You'll make something I like. I'm sorry for instilling fear in you. Chocho: Would you sell it to me in commissions of other kinds or for tutoring/red lining/whatever as long as it's not something I can't teach? Chocho: Or would you just keep it you think? Fhujeth: I want a demon totty plush or I'll keep him, probably... unless there is more art I need i the future. Just take your time. I'm sure whatever you do will be great. I didn't mean to make you feel scared or pressured. I'm just scared of things but yeah...

Wait... what? Fhujeth says here “I feel like you're trying to guilt trip me....” but this whole chatlog continues to read like Fhujeth is almost threatening Chocho that they must get things right if the work is to go ahead. It’s plenty obvious that Fhujeth really wanted a custom plush from Chocho... but at the same time injecting incredible levels of fear and doubt about whether she trusted Chocho to do a good job. I don’t really know why this was the case but I know for sure that if I was in this situation I’d simply say “No, sorry, I can’t do this for you” and refuse the job. Fhujeth obviously couldn’t take this for an answer, though.

[A little while later, I offered to pay off the Karamatsu plush straight and not trade him for the plush so that Fhujeth could have the money since she needed the funds. Fhujeth still wanted the plush though, even though I wasn't sure if I could do it, so it continued...]

Fhujeth: Hey Chocho: Hi! Chocho: I have a proposal for you... Chocho: How much was the postage to get Totty and Kara idols to you? Fhujeth: For both? Well I put them in with some other stuff remember? Chocho: What would be my percentage of it? Fhujeth: Well just the Kara right? o.o Chocho: Yeah Fhujeth: Let me look ;o Chocho: OK! Fhujeth: sorry if eel reallyyy shitty Fhujeth: if you saw my tumblr messages Fhujeth: my mom poisoned me Fhujeth: in short so you don't have to read Chocho: I did and that's why I'm asking this Fhujeth: Okay so he alone was 5500 + Buyee fee 150 + Yahoo Fee 200 + Domest Shiiping Fhujeth: not going to charge for consolidation Fhujeth: it was 3700 yen for all 5 items to be shipped....... the 700 is fine I'll do the other 3000 of that Fhujeth: 5500+ 350 + 1112+ 700 Chocho: Ok! Would you be willing to post him to Kaji too? Fhujeth: Yeah, when I get that other Karamatsu eventually. Chocho: If so, I'll pay you for him flat out (if I can afford to after I've paid Kazuki) so that you can put that money towards getting away from that mother that's trying to kill you. $75.57 he comes to Fhujeth: No, no, no. I want the plush from you. Chocho: We can do the plush later, you need the money more right now

[Eventually I tried again at a pattern, this time a little bigger in a rag doll style with floppy limbs. When I started making the pattern I was already on edge because of the high feeling of pressure, especially since I never know if a pattern is going to work when I first make it. When I had actually put him together, I was really quite disappointed. I felt that I had messed up his body, it was too much like a cylinder and I felt I hadn't tapered him enough to his shoulders so he looked boxy. His eyes also came out wonky (one iris/pupil a little higher than the other...) which I had no idea how had happened since it was straight in the hoop as far as I was aware. I was just incapable of seeing the plush in a good light, I felt like I hadn't hit the standard I was desperately hoping for and I felt the plush was a failure.]

Chocho: he's also naked because i don't have his clothes fabric yet Chocho: yeah i did, but he hasn't turned up in the house yet Fhujeth: Can I see nakey choro? Chocho: i'd rather not... it's... really bad Fhujeth: *it's cool if not* Fhujeth: That's fine! Chocho: i'm just going to make him my hug buddy Fhujeth: I'm sure he's not that bad! Fhujeth: I have Present Jyushi and the one time he showed up I did not be there to pet him Chocho: you thought little karamatsu was bad, this one's not much better Chocho: which sucks because it wasn't easy to make Fhujeth: I did notthink he was bad o.o Chocho: you said you didn't like him, especially his face [<- this here, unless I missed one of the logs, was a mistake on my part. Unless Fhujeth restated at some point that his face was bad too, but I don't remember specifically] Fhujeth: I think the hair through it off for me Chocho: i used craft fur on that one instead of minky Chocho: i did say that... Chocho: craft fur is lower quality and longer pile, but i wanted it to be messy Fhujeth: Yeah, but it made an illusion for me! I think if I saw him in person it'd be different for sure! I am sure it looks great (Choro)

[In the end, after I broke away from Fhujeth and gave my Chocho some clothes, I ended up falling in love with him. The clothes nicely hid the fact that his torso is a tube... XD;;; And I don't notice the eyes now, even though I know they're dorpy. I also don't have that whole pressure over my head to perform any more... So yeah.... this entire thing went WAY past the whole messy hair plush thing... it was the constant being threatened that I better do a good job and the whole air that commissioning/trading me a plush was a "risk" to her and her high set standards etc. had left me feeling hypercritical of all my attempts and feeling at a complete loss. She brought up the hair repeatedly in regards to that one, small, plush. But there were other factors too that made me absolutely want to back out, but I felt too scared to say "sorry, no... I'm not going to make this" because it had gone on so long.]

It’s definitely Fhujeth that brought up the hair issue on multiple occasions, despite using this as part of the “abuser” argument in my conversation with her. There is some context here I’m not 100% sure of but it’s more than obvious that there was a lot of injected pressure from Fhujeth regarding this commission over a period of time. There is no reason for me to believe that this was Chocho being abusive in any way.

The Fat/Slob-love situation

In my conversation with Fhujeth, the subject turned to a claim that Chocho had a thing for “slobbing up characters” which made Fhujeth uncomfortable. This is what was said to me by Fhujeth:

I lost a lot of faith and trust in having close friends because of the way they would make me feel bad if I didn't do something for them or if I mentioned that some of what they drew made me uncomfortable. (example; the drawing in reference to that chat was uhh, Choromatsu, aged 30s where she gave him messy hair as his hair was thinning, laying shirtless on a green arm chair, his gut hanging out, and he looked like a slob)."

"It was more that that was all she drew. I draw some weird stuff but it's never consistent. As you can tell she has some sorta thing for slobbing up characters based on our roleplays and private interactions and literally most of Domatsu and Chochomatsu blogs being.... slob. Our RPs were all about humiliation and Choromatsu being a fat drunk gross slob. It wasn't an occasional thing, it was an all the time thing.

This again had me confused... I couldn’t see where the “abuse” actually came into this. I mean, fair enough, some people find certain things uncomfortable and if that is stated to the person they believe to be making them uneasy with certain types of content, they should speak up and let them know - especially if it is in a one-to-one conversation between friends.

I obviously asked Chocho about this situation and this is the explanation I got:

[See, the fat thing is funny because it was FHUJETH that kept bringing it up. We'd be talking about something completely different, or roleplaying normally and she'd bring the subject in. She KNEW I didn't like it, I said multiple times that it made me uncomfortable, but she just wouldn't stop. I kind of wondered if she was trying to push "desensitisation" of something I don't like on me. And that bit where she said that picture of Choromatsu made her uncomfortable? That's funny too because she sent me this in one of her post-parting ways e-mails;

"There is a common reoccurring theme with your art that screams "slob love" the baggy eyes, messy hair, beer belly/guy, five o'clock shadow. It's okay to like that and I never thought it was gross even though I was well aware you were into that way before we stopped being friends. I never judged you for that because I mean, I'm a fetish artist, lol."

Also, it wasn't ME who drew obese Matsus... that was Fhujeth, I still have some pics she sent me, here.]

For the record, the image Fhujeth was referring to (”Choromatsu, aged 30s where she gave him messy hair as his hair was thinning, laying shirtless on a green arm chair, his gut hanging out, and he looked like a slob”) is this one:

That, to me... isn’t what it was dramatized to be. Dad bod, anyone? “gut hanging out”? Er, nah... if that picture makes Choromatsu out to be a fat slob I really need to sort my life out!! And that arm chair isn't green...(??)

Also, salarymatsu.tumblr.com is publicly visible and the reference for his hair was from canon material (kun).

This is the Osomatsu-kun reference Chocho used for the hair:

It was Ichimatsu with the messy hair (the one with the glasses, last panel)... but this is real canon stuff about the Matsus being 30 years older than their kun age. It’s a bit of a running joke in the series that Choromatsu becomes bald but there’s absolutely nothing here to suggest a “slob” kink.

[Also, she was ALWAYS talking about fetishes. So, so often, more so than anybody I have ever met before. EVERYTHING was(/is?) a fetish to her!]

Fhujeth: The only cartoon network shows that I can argue had any kink content in them was Uncle Grandpa and Kids Next Door and the latter the director told me it didn't.

Fhujeth: Tuttle I think he gets depression after his wife dies and becomes a blob... I really like that video. XD Chocho: Ahhh okay. XD;; Fhujeth: Anyways yes I wanted to share that with you since we talk of kinks a lot and that song is one of my favourite things seth macfarlane's done Chocho: It's not like I choose to talk about kinks! XD Fhujeth: But we do!

Fhujeth: How... how close to "stuffing" should I get before too much is too much because I am not very good at drawing the line between kink and not kink because I have done kink artwork and am 100% desensitized to it

[Another interesting piece of chatlog from Fhujeth is...;]

Fhujeth: I like stupid drunk losers tht are slobs

Fhujeth: Ahh ok! But I like fat slob loser characters a lot, idk why they appeal to me greatly... especially ones that are unaware of how lame they are

Wait... you what?? Fhujeth was blaming Chocho for being into this as a kink and using it in her argument as to why Chocho was an abuser. This is evidence that it was in fact THE OTHER WAY ROUND and the accusation is blatant projection. I don’t get it - why use this as an argument when it’s an obvious lie?? Like I said earlier, if something makes someone uncomfortable, they should speak up. But as proven in the chatlogs it was in fact Fhujeth that liked “fat slob loser characters a lot” or “stupid drunk losers that are slobs”.

There was a LOT more chatlog suggesting Fhujeth liked to bring up fat in random conversations that were, in general, unrelated.

Chocho: Why does Karamatsu go around with his arms crossed in those clothes Chocho: Only in those Chocho: There seems to be no reason Fhujeth: Karamatsu: *feels fat* Totty: OF ALL THE CLOTHES*

Fhujeth: originally a black and white character, is just a fat pig now Fhujeth: Btw this show if you never saw it is brilliant Chocho: Ichimatsu: Actually Todomatsu then Fhujeth: Totty: :// IIRC: She is even depicted as super fat and can't fit into things and like eats an entire car. I feel like there was an episode she gets stuck somewhere from being so fat and she can't get outside to a food mobile that comes every rare time. Chocho: She doesn't look that fat! XD; Fhujeth: They change it for the show, it's very.... cartoonish Chocho: Ahhh okay! Fhujeth: Like, at certain times they make her fatter

Fhujeth:XDD Totty: I'l commission you - Draw Karamatsu really fat and ugly.... and then make his head normal... you know Chocho: XD Fhujeth: Totty, wait, he already is like that Chocho: Karamatsu: ... 8( Totty!

Fhujeth: dayon has a big head. Chocho: XD Chocho: yes Chocho: DAYOOOOOOOOON Fhujeth: and on a perspective level that person is tall Fhujeth: and the one in green is tall Chocho: Yes. XD Chocho: Well, I still think the Matsus are short Fhujeth: they were tall as kids Fhujeth: at least in 66 kun Fhujeth: xD they look like giants Chocho: I love that bit before that though, where they call Karamatsu an idiot and he's all hurt Chocho: XD Chocho: Yeah, but in 66 kun they change height all the time. XD; Fhujeth: "I'm not an idiot" :( Chocho: Karamatsu: *wiggly mouth* Fhujeth: i bought those tickets because i care Chocho: And all the merch. XD Chocho: .... something weird goes on with his body here.. Chocho: ???? Fhujeth: Totty: It's the fat inside him Chocho: XD Chocho: It just couldn't take being called an idiot Fhujeth: THE FUCK DID HE SAY JUST NOW Chocho: XD Chocho: "How so"????

Fhujeth: Totty: Hah, if Choromatsu Niisan wants to do that then I'll go to his stinky idol club and make a fool of himself in front of nyaachan. Fhujeth: Yeah! Chocho: Yeah, exactly Chocho: Feel free to get Totty to get Chocho's dick out in front of Nyaa-chan Chocho: And do whatever with it! Fhujeth: So he sneaks back stage using his "Totty Charisma Charm" and makes a fool of himself. OK! Yeah! This is fun :D Chocho: That doesn't involve a knife or irreperable damage, hahaha Yeah Fhujeth: it was an ideaaaaa ;.; Chocho: Totty can do things like join Nyaachan and idol fansites and post dick pics and nudes Chocho: No no, I mean, you can do dick things. XD Chocho: Just not involving knives Fhujeth: Totty: I AM CHOROMATSU MATSUNO I AM A REAL FAT OTAKU WITH NO PRIDE. I HAVE TWELVE BROTHERS SO IF YOU SEE A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE ME ITS TOTALLY NOT ME BECAUSE I AM GROSS AND NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE EXCEPT TO GO TO IDOL SHOWS :>

[This particular chatlog was about a "bodyswap" event we were going to do between Chochomatsu and Totally-Totty where the two (in each others bodies) go off to try and ruin each other's reputation.]

Chocho: Choromatsu's muttering that he'd like some boobies wrapped around him Chocho: Preferably belonging to Totoko and Nyaa-chan Chocho: Because he's scared of everybody else Fhujeth: Kara's man boobs Fhujeth: jk Chocho: I think that's something that people don't tend to realise with these guys... Or at least Karamatsu, Choromatsu and Ichimatsu... Chocho: They're virgins... they're nerds and they're (deep down) introverted... they're scared of girls.. they're gagging for it, but they don't know what they're doing and it's been so long that when a girl DOES approach them, they panic Chocho: Jyushimatsu's too 8D to be bothered by it I think... Totty's practised with being around girls and Osomatsu is just... XD Chocho: But the other 3 don't have a clue what they're doing Chocho: Karamatsu acts like he's this hot piece of meat, but as soon as he actually potentially gets a date

["Kara's man boobs" was, of course, not in regards to ANYTHING we had been talking about. I ignored it.]

Chocho: Besides how weird that is Chocho: Lice prefer clean hair. Apparently. Not that Ichimatsu's hair wouldn't be clean, it's not even that messy Fhujeth: what a werid ask Chocho: Right? Chocho: *picks nose* Fhujeth: xD Fhujeth: ughhh Fhujeth: Totty: Ok, when I say Kara is fat he's not Chubby. -.- Chocho: Ichimatsu: What's the difference Fhujeth: Totty: He's.... fat... *does motion like pregnant*

[The "weird ask" "lice" part was in regards to an ask Chocho got mentioning about how anon was concerned that Ichimatsu would have lice because of his hair. I answered that one fairly close to the end of when I was interested in working on the blog if you really want to see it. The fat comment wasn't in regards to anything that we had been talking about.]

Chocho: This is actually a redraw of something from 2002/3 Fhujeth: Are those all saying he needs to lose weight? Chocho: No. XD Fhujeth: Oh

Fhujeth: Yeah! "Karamatsu Tax" Totty: He's so fat he has to be charged mroe to be drawn.

[This was in a conversation about somebody young who wanted to commission me, but had no money, who had been passed my details by somebody who had no idea that they couldn't afford to commission anybody. I had a waiting list for domatsu commissions at that point, so I couldn't warrant doing anybody artwork for free in that style (I didn't even have time to draw art for myself!) but the person wasn't taking no for an answer. Just before going to pressure the person who gave the young person a recommendation to come to me, Fhujeth said this. I won't share the rest of the log, because it has details (names/urls) about the young person and the person who pointed them in my direction. It was a misunderstanding from their part, so it's not fair to and I won't put them on the spot. This just had nothing to do with the subject.]

Chocho: ah, they're around Fhujeth: AHH Fhujeth: I'll try to see if choromatsu becomes available Fhujeth: i need Fhujeth: tots Chocho: ded Fhujeth: No sign of Pink Legless man yet! The only way he could lose that weight was cutting it off :( Chocho: who totty? Chocho: i take it the idea of that machine is to push kara off the platform? Fhujeth: Yeah! Chocho: however that is don Chocho: e Fhujeth: just.... poke at hit until his fatass falls off... probablly.... seeing if you can scoop it otherwise just start at one end and try to push it in one direction then flip to the other end x.x it looks money consuming Chocho: there is only one claw Fhujeth: Yeah I mean by one side being his butt and then head Chocho: i see Chocho: i don't care for that one anyway, i only want choros

[This was about that online crane game you can win real prizes from, Toreba I think? Fhujeth was talking about the available prizes and how to win them.]

Chocho: choro's the rude one? Fhujeth: XD No. Totty knows he was wrong, he feels really bad. I think he'll get flung back and remain there like, "X.x" and then when he comes to try to "make it up" to his big brother whether it be getting in the way or mentioning that his brother has some issues with his shirt Fhujeth: or fat

[wait what]

What indeed... why is fat being randomly brought up as a subject in the middle of conversations so much if Fhujeth knew Chocho didn’t like it? If I know one of my friends doesn’t like something I don’t try to constantly push it in their face. This, to me, is an example of abuse in the opposite direction to what Fhujeth is claiming.

Fhujeth: My mom LOVES to watch the fat people shows like about the people so fat that they are like nothing but blobs and then they lose the weight

Fhujeth: Totty: EHHH? *huff* I.... I don't care either. Fhujeth: TottY: I DON'T CARE! (almost wrote cake) Chocho: chocho: sure! Fhujeth: Totty: To prove I don't care I will wear this fatsuit. Chocho: chocho: go on then Chocho: chocho: post photos of you in it to twitter too

Fhujeth: Jyushimatsurepliez took the leaf off Totty and now Totty is a Tanuki I'ma draw him kinda fat but not with big balls Fhujeth: But fat animals are not gross like people

Fhujeth: Finally Totty is fat xD

[By the last month this was what MOST of the conversations were about, it always went back to fat, not because I wanted it to. Where my text is lower case, it's because I was fucking done, I was so sick of this topic, the only way I could bounce it back was using humour.]

I would be fucking done by this point too. If someone I thought was a friend was constantly throwing a subject I didn’t like at me, despite me saying I didn’t like it and I don’t want to talk about it, I’d be seriously pissed off.

Fhujeth: I really like Choro! Actually that was one I paid for too today was the idol choro mascot plush, I wonder if he'll be fat Fhujeth: I'll get him in a few days! Fhujeth: And hopefully he'll... be skinny. Fhujeth: but if he is fat he is ffat Fhujeth: Then we know. Fhujeth: But if he is skinny then you were blessed. Chocho: "blessed"

[This was out of nowhere too. For context with that plush, I ordered a Choromatsu from the second set of the first plush (I think?) that were available? It's the small keychain "mascot" where Choromatsu is in the green flannel shirt with glowsticks and a bandana. When mine came, he was overstuffed which made his face look... wide... I was somewhat upset because he was nowhere near what the first one looked like, I wanted one that looked like the one from the first set. Apparently by getting a "fat" Choro, I was "blessed".]

In my conversation with Fhujeth, she claimed this:

Our RPs were all about humiliation and Choromatsu being a fat drunk gross slob. It wasn't an occasional thing, it was an all the time thing.

Chocho gave me this chatlog to explain that the topic was, again, brought into the roleplay by Fhujeth - not the other way round:

Fhujeth: Totty: All old people have hard candy in their pockets, Choromatsu-niisan... It helps them remember what it's like to feel teeth. Chocho: chocho: no idea what you're talking about Fhujeth: Totty: *finds one* Ewww, it's sticky... Fhujeth: Totty: You should use this... *runs away and returns with a green bumbag/fannypack* Chocho: chocho: why would it be sticky in a wrapper in a bag? Fhujeth: Totty: It must've melted. Fhujeth: Totty: *it's not sticky* Chocho: chocho: if you don't want it, give it back Fhujeth: Totty: I want it... Fhujeth: Totty: *opens and eats it* :3c *realizes this was in his brothers pocket* *smiles still despite realizing how gross it is being in an old man's pocket too* :3c;;;;;;;; *spits it out* Fhujeth: Totty: It tastes good at least! Fhujeth: Totty: Is there a bag of fresh ones? Fhujeth: Totty: *carefully places bumbag on Choromatsu's waist* Hopefully it's not too small~ Fhujeth: Totty: *tightens it all the way, too tight* Chocho: chocho: argh why?!?!?! Fhujeth: Totty: Hmm it seems really tight on you... Fhujeth: *steps back, hand on chin Chocho: chocho: what are you doing to me?! you're trying to kill me Chocho: chocho: again Fhujeth: Totty: I'm giving you this bag to store candy and goods in! Chocho: chocho: stop tying it up so tight, i'm not a child i don't need the child setting!! Chocho: chocho: that HURTS you know! just like if i did it to you!! Fhujeth: Totty: Ah, you're right.. *loosens all the way* There, fat old man setting. *it still fits on him* Chocho: chocho: THERE IS NO "FAT OLD MAN" SETTING Chocho: chocho: todomatsu... *puts his hand on tottys shoulder* i'm sorry to break it to you, but... i'm not actually fat Chocho: chocho: here, let's see how YOU like it! *swiftly takes off the bag, whips it onto totty and yanks the strap as tight as it will go, harshly in a matter of a couple of seconds* Fhujeth: Totty: ... :S *ithurts* AGHHHH >< It's tight Chocho: chocho: hmm? what's that? it's tight? does it hurt? what a shame *huffs and stomps off* Fhujeth: Totty: *teary eyed immediately* Fhujeth: Totty: AHH TAKE IT OFF! *can't find the snappy part to undo it* CHOROMATSU-NIISANNNNNN!!!!! Chocho: chocho: *long gone*

[Just reading this I am so done, hahahaha! This is another example of us roleplaying and Fhujeth making it about how fat Chocho is. As I said, I just shrugged it off with humour. It ended up being about ridiculing Choromatsu and/or him being fat because she MADE it about it. She knew I didn't like it, so it always came up.]

I mean... this RP just looks playful and silly without context... but with all the above chatlogs taken into account, the obsession with fat and slobs evidently wasn’t coming from Chocho.

Chocho sent this to me which was posted by Fhujeth after the end of their friendship:

“Stop talking to other people”

Another part of my conversation with Fhujeth was a claim that Chocho had told her to stop talking to so many other people so that Fhujeth had more time to talk to important people, i.e. Chocho:

It was little things like demanding that I stop "stretching myself thin so I can chat with the people who matter (her)" instead of jumping around from the dozen or so convos I am in a day.

Chocho showed me this chatlog of that event:

totally-totty The second the drama was done that is why I went and messaged you on domatsu to tell you my reply so you could see it in the morning but I was just getting over anxiety attack and stuff. I didn't want to tell you to go away or anything because I liked knowing you were right there... chochomatsu To be honest, trying to guilt trip me into swallowing my feelings isn't fair either really. totally-totty I dunno. I guess I just do the wrong things. chochomatsu It's not a case of telling me to go away, I would have still been there I know what it's like to have something come up where your mind feels stretched thin and you need to focus on one thing at once as it's really important totally-totty I am sorry I didn't consider your feelings. chochomatsu So really, you should have just said something like "hold on, I'm having a crisis with a friend over here, it's serious", I don't see anything wrong with that totally-totty I will remember to do that. I am learning just now I have so much to learn socially and that I am still so socially under developed with dealing with other people and that I am fucking retarded. I'm really bad with other people's feelings. chochomatsu Calling yourself "fucking retarded" is another form of guilt tripping, by the way.. trying to make the other person feel guilty for being hurt by your actions totally-totty No. I am not asking you to feel guilty about it. I need to get better and learn. I know I have flaws I need to work on it. chochomatsu That's why I'm telling you how it's coming across, that's all totally-totty Thank you. totally-totty I'm really sorry about yesterday it just started off hectic with the auction, I am sure you know that is very high pressure. So after that I was all antsy and didn't feel like drawing so I went around and just cleaned my whole room and then I swam and then I finally sat back down and we chatted some and I was sorta spaced out and then the drama with my friend started and I immediately went into that anxiety shock, you know what I mean? That anxiety shock where it's all, "omg, omg." totally-totty When I was antsy I also started a bunch of other chat conversations with people. x.x So I was distracted with those all day. So I was ignoring them all... I jumped around and would forget them all.

But back to us. I'm really sorry. It's weird when you're not on anymore... haha. I didn't mean to make you think you were annoying or bothersome, either. chochomatsu That's why I don't talk to many people at once totally-totty I'm starting to think I need to stop talking to so many people now. It's really mucked with things. chochomatsu The feeling of complete and utter disconnection and lack of care you get from somebody spreading their conversation capability so thin is extremely damaging Especially when it's from somebody you really enjoy or need to talk to totally-totty I agree, and I have noticed this has been happening especially as of late. Which is why I need to stop it. Because I'd rather talk to the friends I care about than other people.

[So... I didn't even bring it up, she was the one who said it. I just gave reasons as to why it might help her (and the people she talks to, not just me).]

Yeah, I’m not seeing abuse from Chocho here either. Chocho may have given a reason as to why she thought Fhujeth was doing damage to their friendship by trying to talk to many people at once, but isn’t this a valid concern? Fhujeth seemed to take it well here and agree with the stance. Also I do see manipulation of Chocho by Fhujeth with things like “I am fucking retarded” in an attempt to get a sort of “No you are not” response.

Another claim from Fhujeth was this:

It was little things that getting mad at me for being friends with some other people that hated Choromatsu.

Chocho had this to say:

[I never got mad at Fhujeth for being friends with anybody. I admit I got frustrated at people who hated on Choromatsu endlessly, but I'm sure anybody who had their favourites get hated on would feel the same way. I vented to Fhujeth about it, but never, ever attacked her over it. Who she's friends with is none of my business.]

Venting is wholly different than being mad at someone. There doesn’t seem to be chatlogs of this event from either side unfortunately.

Chochomatsu = Domatsu

This goes back to one of Fhujeth’s main claims of abuse from Chocho - that Domatsu and Chochomatsu were two blogs run by the same person but that Chocho refused to tell Fhujeth about it despite them being friends. Fhujeth said this to me:

We talked all day every day and we did the ask blog thing together. For me, it felt like a massive breach of trust when she pretended to be someone else to me. It's okay to want to start new but to lie to your friend that you're not someone is.... that feels very unsavoury.

Asking Chocho, this is the explanation:

Chocho: Interesting that she puts Chocho highly already though Chocho: He's existed for what half a month Fhujeth: Yeah you seem really tense Chocho: Yeah. =( Chocho: I have the magazine pic, your body pillow, jussy's commissions, that plush (Bob), THE NEXT DOMATSU UPDATE, chocho's asks, this birthday thing, just paid twice for my birthday present, probably going to have to do that again when Chibita finally shows up... Chocho: I'm trying!

[This is proof that Chocho existed for less than half a month by the time I told Fhujeth. I didn't tell ANYBODY about Chochomatsu at first because I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep the blog. If I had told anybody, even my closest friends, I would have basically had to be committed to it and I didn't want to seal myself in on a blog I wasn't even sure I'd keep. After a week or so, I felt I wanted to keep Chocho, so I let Fhujeth in on it and my other closest friends outside the fandom (I didn't really have any friends in the fandom besides Fhujeth. Funny that, huh?). Fhujeth was the only one who took offense. (Also, in regards to "we did the ask blog thing together"? That's because she always forced her way into my blog stories and pressured me when I wanted to use my own Totty. I wasn't allowed to even concept asking another Totty blog to be my Totty for any particular post.]

So, what, 2 weeks that Fhujeth didn’t know Chochomatsu and Domatsu were the same person? I am again finding myself not being able to see where the abuse is. Even if it had been kept a permanent secret, it’s another case of this multiple alias thing just... being a thing in the creative arts. Why is it abusive?

To follow on from the subject of Totty blogs, Chocho gave me some explanation as to what that meant:

Chocho: If I legit went and made a Totty blog instead, you'd let me rot domatsu? Fhujeth: No, what I meant was more like... Fhujeth: I don't think I could stand a chance against you and I'd probably have to quit myself. Fhujeth: And I'd see it as competitiion, I guess. Chocho: Why would you do that? Chocho: You know I can't write Totty as well as you Fhujeth: Because there is absolutely no way in hell I can compete with your art. Chocho: Character portrayal is more important than art though Fhujeth: well, not really on tumblr people care about art lots ;.; well, in the end of it all I'd be incredibly hurt like, "Errr, there's 6 guys and you legit going to drop the one to pick the one I play even tho we work so closely together now I'm doomed and we can't work together so much and now I guess we're frenemies." Basically I'd handly it all in a very immature and very bad fashion because I have a very childish competitive nature.... But you are more than welcome to I just wouldn't be able to handle it at all like a grown adult. Fhujeth: its not a threat lmao I legit don't think I;d handle it well XD I already get really competitive when I see other Totty blogs Chocho: Well, don't worry, I wouldn't. I only asked since you said you'd only let me if it was to make a Totty blog? Chocho: I think? Fhujeth: Noooo. Fhujeth: I don't want domatsu to rot at all I love it Chocho: *only let me quit Fhujeth: yeah because the immature fraction of my brain would say, "Uhhhhh...... this person who was my friend is now my enemy" Fhujeth: like blanca was thinking of making a todomatsu universe I said, "NO" Fhujeth: Not like that Chocho: Uh... how do you feel about my Totty then? =S Fhujeth: I like him! Fhujeth: But since you don't have him as a dedicated blog... Fhujeth: I'm not like, scared. Fhujeth: That he'll become something I have to worry over. Fhujeth: Since you're Karamatsu to me... Fhujeth: of course I don;t OWN him either I just don't want to get competitive Fhujeth: against friends... because I get really bad. Fhujeth: I am crazy agressive competitive person if I wanna be.... or I give up if I don't think I can do it. Fhujeth: this is a bad side of me... Fhujeth: a really bad side of me Chocho: Even if I gave him his own blog, it'd work in the same way as the rest of them. Fhujeth: Right, that is OK. I mean.... your Oso blog doesn't take asks and all really... Fhujeth: Wow I can already tell I would handle this terribly. Fhujeth: I am feeling my blood pressure going through the roof, God I am so immature :/ At least I am aware of this flaw but still... damn. Chocho: I'm not going to make a Totty ask blog, don't worry Fhujeth: T-Thank you..... Fhujeth: You're allowed to though. Fhujeth: I'd figure you'd go for Choro Chocho: Yeah Fhujeth: I'm sorry....... Fhujeth: For how I just was Chocho: Oh, no, don't worry

Fhujeth: I just hope I didn't make you hate Totty Chocho: No Fhujeth: Did you fall out of love with him tho? Chocho: The only thing is that I feel pressured not to include him in blog things (as mine solo) because you've told me in the past that he's yours Fhujeth: Oh, I don't mean like that you can do that.. Chocho: So if you feel like he's not there much it's because I feel you'd be angry with me if I gave him screen time or his own blog Fhujeth: Hmm, I would feel nervous about his own blog but not screen time.... Chocho: Exactly Fhujeth: Because you do so much better than me... XD;; it's more like Chocho: That's why he's not around Fhujeth: You could basically run me out of business... I guess... Chocho: I really doubt it Fhujeth: Look how fast Chocho grew and he is the same popular as Todo Chocho: Apparently he became one of the more expensive ones, so I don't think that's true... Fhujeth: i dunno. Don't let me stop you from doing what you want. Fhujeth: ^^ Fhujeth: If you run me out of business you run me out of business it's just the way it'd go. XD Chocho: I can't run anybody "out of business", it's not a business. ._. People haven't stopped with Karamatsu or Choromatsu blogs because domatsu and chochomatsu exist for example... Chocho: I managed to get enough for a gacha again and I got red hoodie Osomatsu. =/ Fhujeth: No but if I know a new blog comes out that is doing better than me already and faster than I would up and quit and feel "no point". That is what I got and I was so mad. Fhujeth: But my feelings, please, don't let them influence you. Chocho: And that's why Todomatsu isn't around at all on my blogs Because it would be my fault if you quit Chocho: It's not that I don't like him, more that I'm... not really allowed Fhujeth: Ahh, no, please, don't say that. Fhujeth: Please do what you want. Fhujeth: ==inadifferentveinifeellikeishouldquitnowsighs== why is this all so complicated. can we talk this out just so you can understand where I come from and then you can see that you can do as you wish? :3 Chocho: See? Now I've made you want to quit just by saying that I wanted to separate dematsu into 4 blogs. =S Fhujeth: You can Chocho: I know where you're coming from, you've explained before Chocho: But this is why Totty hasn't been around on my end, that's all Fhujeth: It's not like it's going to be super active or anything like chocho or domatsu .... Chocho: Respecting your wishes Fhujeth: no? Or is it Chocho: It is! You told me you didn't want me to be Totty and that you would feel threatened and annoyed if I did Fhujeth: It would be more active? Please do as you wish. Please don't let me stop you.. Fhujeth: Honest. Fhujeth: But now I feel bad because you want to do something and you feel like I am stopping you. Fhujeth: All I was doing was expressing my feelings but I didn't want you to actually not do something because of me. I am not that selfish. I'll deal with it on my own. Chocho: Nah, it's fine. As long as you know that it's not that I don't like Totty! Fhujeth: I don't know I don't want to prevent you from doing something. Fhujeth: I'm really torn right now. Fhujeth: I'm gonna go away for a while and lay down... x.x I am too conflicted. I do not own a character, so please, by all means, you have every right. Chocho: This is why I didn't do anything! >_< Fhujeth: But you want to!

This is quite an obvious example of gaslighting... “You could basically run me out of business” ... “Don't let me stop you from doing what you want.” ... “No but if I know a new blog comes out that is doing better than me already and faster than I would up and quit and feel "no point".” ... “But my feelings, please, don't let them influence you.” ... “Please do what you want.” ... “I don't know I don't want to prevent you from doing something.” ... “But you want to!”

Seriously... that is some powerful manipulative flip-flopping in an attempt to scare Chocho out of making a Totty blog.

Back to the issue of Chochomatsu and Domatsu being the same person...

[Also, she approached Chocho and pressed for conversation, not the other way around.]

05/19/2016 mr-flag hii ^^ welcome to the ask blog world! I am gonna answer you ask, sorry it';s coming form this blog you only follow this of my blogs <3 I am totally-totty too your choro is super cute <3 I might answer it though in a bit I am not sure yet the timing I have..... I wanna answer it now.... chochomatsu Oh! I thought I was following your Totty blog! I can see it on my dash right now! :O Are you sure? Maybe I need to unfollow and follow again???

[Chocho's blog was started on the 17th of May, 2016. Fhujeth approached the blog on the 19th of May 2016. 2 days after the blog was born.]

Chocho went on to explain that Fhujeth had been accusing her of having a Totty blog before the end of working on the Domatsu blog:

Fhujeth: you are capable of a lot.... i'd not be surprised if you had a totty blog already and I didn't know of it XD Fhujeth: not that you'd be that deceptive Chocho: I'd ummed and ahhed about Chocho for a couple of months before I did him... and I hesitated before I posted him first post even... I felt really guilty about him to be honest. Nah, I really really don't have a Totty blog I have domatsu and it's partner blogs, Chocho and Wakuwaku. And I don't do anything with Waku... since he chills out on Chocho's blog all the time. Fhujeth: Oh I am not accusing you of one...

[She was falsely accusing me of having a Totty blog back before I had even stopped doing Domatsu too. She accused me of a lot to be honest, with no grounds. And how do you prove you don't have something when you don't have something? She always put me on the spot for things I couldn't prove otherwise because they didn't exist.]

“Oh I am not accusing you of one...” Oh really? That’s what it sounds like to me.

In my experience, Fhujeth has been accusing Chocho of running a Totty blog for a very long time. A lot of people in this fandom already know that Fhujeth accused Chocho of being Todomatshu/Shu/Boots - another good friend of mine. This is in fact connected to the Totty Club situation as Shu was the founder and the one maintaining the list of members and such. The Totty Club drama is of course where most of my bad experiences with Fhujeth come from and it is difficult to prove to someone that two blogs are two different people when both people have been scared into not wanting anything to do with Fhujeth at all. I don’t have saved proof, but I have personally witnessed Chocho and Shu in a drawpile session together, working on separate drawings at the same time.

Fhujeth’s words:

totty Like I said too, I wasn't there at the drawpile. I guess one of my other friends was and said something how Chocho emulated Shu's style effortlessly and flawlessly but that is all I know. It falls back down to proof, again. I wasn't there just like you weren't there. I don't know. I'm not going to tell people Shu is Chocho. I don't even bring any of them up in name anymore.

I know which friend Fhujeth is talking about and this is not the same drawpile session I’m talking about. They weren’t there. In fact this friend she mentions is almost certainly the one that leaked chat from the Totty Club discord we had that triggered a lot of the drama with Fhujeth to begin with. I wish I had proof of the drawpile claim but I don’t. I didn’t think to take screenshots - we were all busy drawing and having fun. To this day I get the very strong impression that Fhujeth still believes Chocho and Shu are the same person.

I can’t give chatlogs as proof that they aren’t the same person as no logs I have access to have anything that would prove or disprove anything to do with this issue. The only other thing I can possibly add to this is that in the days of the Totty Club discord I could occasionally see Chocho and Boots (Shu) typing at the same time. Again, no proof, I don’t record my screen!

This entire situation was abusive to all of us. It ripped the Totty Club apart - people were unable to trust other members, Shu in particular, because of Fhujeth’s unfounded claims. As always, Chocho preferred to remain quiet about anything to do with Fhujeth at the time. I have to say I now understand why that was. I also finally understand why Fhujeth was so persistent about Shu being Chocho - she was STILL paranoid that Chocho was running a Totty blog and was attempting to be in direct competition with her.

The Pain Incident

Before I go on with this issue I have to explain why this is the last one I’m bringing up despite it being one of the main things Fhujeth presented as evidence that Chocho was abusive to her. It needs everything that has been explained previously to make sense and to give context, otherwise it comes across as very one-sided and it’s hard to see why the things being said are actually being said. The events of the previous months lead up to this final situation.

First of all, the claim Fhujeth presented to me:

Uhh. Okay, day before is what we're talking about. We were in a convo and she was super into collecting all the Choros for it so the first thing she said was like, "aww I didn't get X choro in the roll" she immediately showed me a drawing after that and I replied with a very stock reply of, "I'm sorry" or something, but as I was sitting down my back just died on me. So I started to panic like, "oh my god I am in so much pain holy shit ahhhhhhafsdgsdfhgdhdg" which obviously caused me to not reply to the drawing cause I was in physical pain and now spazzing about how i'm at home alone and scared and that idk what to do and I can't call anyone and idk where my mom is and i am scared. I was freaking out. She mentioned the drawing again but I just was sorta like.... in freaking out mode by then. I eventually got to the floor, got proper care after laying on the floor home alone for an hour with the anxiety now that my friend hated me and that I was home alone and couldn't move. After my mom came home and I got treated for the pain I came up to apologize on utox and what not and the last message she had written was, "ugh whatever i'm gonna go watch tv"

When I brought this part up with Chocho...

[This is another thing that needs FAR more backstory than Fhujeth gives... but of course she wouldn't give the whole story I suppose... =T In any case, this event happened after months and months of her complaining about her back pain (and other pains, she was just apparently constantly in pain and on pain medication) and shooting down my ideas for ways to get it seen to or ease the apparent pain. Eventually, especially by the last month, I was sick of hearing it and starting to doubt it was actually as bad as she always said it was. It ALWAYS came up, but she was NEVER willing to do anything about it because money and weed is more important.]

Fhujeth: Yeah. I hope I can. x.x I am like, really.... blah. Chocho: Do you think it has to do with the med you had to drop and the lack of weed at all? =( Chocho: Some kind of withdrawal symptoms? Fhujeth: Oh, hey, would you be willing to reblog my promo post? You don't have to... because you probably don't want that on your wall right now, but yeah. Any withdrawl would be gone now. Chocho: Combined with the pain of your slipped disc Chocho: Cos that is not pleasant Fhujeth: I am used to the pain, that is not like, a thing that gets me. Chocho: Pain gets to anybody. u.u Fhujeth: It adds to it but it's not like.... what is angering me. Chocho: Is it the education thing? Chocho: Also, brb!! Fhujeth: Nah, it's the "I am pissed at my friend for not keeping me away from game centers even if I beg because I have no self control and will pile through hundreds of dollars easy because I am mentally sick and can't control myself even tho I begged them the other day to keep me away." Fhujeth: "I am pissed at them too for forgetting that shop exists after I spent a TOOOOON of money on blind bags.

Wow... just to comment here... that’s really not your friend’s responsibility. If you can’t control your own spending don’t put the blame on someone else! You’re saying right there that you have no self control and yet you’re pissed at someone else...

Fhujeth: Ahhh the chronic pain is so... Fhujeth: awakening Chocho: Your slipped disc? =( Chocho: I bet it is! Fhujeth: yeah and then like just pain everywhere else it's kinda messed up Chocho: How are you, besides your disc? =< Fhujeth: Sore xD Chocho: <=( How long have you been suffering this for? Fhujeth: Since I got here for sure uhhh, for the one on the higher part my back, since 2012 I had diagnosed a disc in my lumbar that was out but it is ok now Chocho: Hmm... >_< Can they pop back in place? Fhujeth: I don't have health insurance atm Fhujeth: so I can't get it treated Chocho: I meant on their own. =( Fhujeth: It could I guess Fhujeth: depends on the damage Fhujeth: basically it's really tender at this one spot and then it causes all the muscles to tense around it Fhujeth: and all the walking has been really bad Fhujeth: I get back from going out and the pain is so intense Chocho: Yeah... =( Hmm.. Can you get a hold of heat or massage packs that might help? Fhujeth: I have.... some menthol strips I been sticking on they help a bit Chocho: Mm! At least you have something! ;o; Fhujeth: yeah :D Fhujeth: and ibuprofen Chocho: Ibuprofen is amazing

Chocho: Yeah, came back from the doctor and Zenryoku Batankyu had finally arrived. =D Fhujeth: Ramen is not really healthy and the high sodium must ause inflamation and I am in insane pain today from it!! AHHH Congrats!!!! I should pick up those CDs Fhujeth: so are you ok :3 like from the doctor? Chocho: Ahhh okay. XD;;; Yeah, that's not good... I hope you feel better!

Chocho: *PRIVATE STUFF ABOUT MY FATHER* Fhujeth: Woow!! Chocho: *PRIVATE STUFF ABOUT MY FATHER* Fhujeth: That is already more support than I have gotten @-@ That is so cool! Fhujeth: ahh i feel crappppy Chocho: *PRIVATE STUFF ABOUT MY FATHER* I miss my Dad. =( Ahhh, still bad? ;m; Is there anything you can take? Fhujeth: ahh I am sorry you miss him ;.; Fhujeth: Yeah, weed, but I am waiting on my damn mom to finish with the laundryyyyyy Chocho: I haven't gotten to see him in a few years now, darn lack of money. Ohhh, would weed help then? Fhujeth: it helps me with pain, most. XD; It makes me forget I am in it.

Just to be completely clear, that chatlog has obvious edits to protect the privacy of Chocho and her father.

Fhujeth: Totty: See? I'm a lot cuter, and I have like, a better personality, and my eyebrows are well shaped and maintained. :3 Chocho: Ichimatsu: *holds up another drawing similar to the first except it has "shaped eyebrows" drawn on* Fhujeth: Totty: o_o *pulls out phone and checks self* No, wait, that could be deceiving me *runs to body length mirror in closet* *looks ok* ??? Fhujeth: (ugh my joints hurt) Chocho: Is it all the pain? =( Fhujeth: i dunno they just hurt all the sundde l.l Fhujeth: sudden^ Chocho: Hmm.... have you been tensing because of the rash? Fhujeth: not sure o.o Fhujeth: I'm sooo tired tho Chocho: I really hope the doctor can help on Monday. =(

Chocho: The idol otaku I mean Fhujeth: I am looking for those online @-@ They were lottery prizes too Fhujeth: it looks like there was when I was looking a big set and a small set, only the big set has choro and kara with the jackets and all Chocho: Yeah, I wanted the big set! Fhujeth: they look cute! if i seem weird today it's because I am in intense pain !! Chocho: Okay, I hope you feel better. =(

Fhujeth: like the one in the tv Fhujeth: ? Chocho: I imagine so! Fhujeth: it hurts to moveee ffff Chocho: Like the one on South Park Fhujeth: I might lay down with the tens unit -- yeah! Chocho: Okay! I hope you feel better!! Chocho: Thanks for listening to a part of my teens. XD Fhujeth: Not right now! I need to draw... but it just so distracting. No problem same for me! Fhujeth: You said someone you know how a disc issue right? Chocho: Oh, yeah, my Dad has I think Fhujeth: ok ^^ Chocho: Why do you ask? Fhujeth: if you know how it is like at all :o Chocho: Well, I don't have it personally.. =o Fhujeth: Mine is pretty painful at times! Like, "this hurts a lot I might puke" painful

Chocho: I love all the spinning they put into these intros, hahaha Chocho: Skillz Chocho: ZARD... ;m; Fhujeth: i miss the mid 00 Fhujeth: s Chocho: 8th opening with the dancing. XD Chocho: I don't miss the 00s at all Chocho: It was more of a time of suffering for me than I even realised Fhujeth: For me i grew a lot. if I reply slow right now it is because i wanna finish this art and go lay downb ecause pain

Chocho: I wouldn't want to send out my rare badge and get nothing Fhujeth: True! Fhujeth: ahh i slept really bad on my back Fhujeth: i am in so much pain i can't focus that is why i am on so late Chocho: Did you take some painkillers? =(

Fhujeth: Thanks! Chocho: No probs! Fhujeth: "wh-why is everything distorted" Fhujeth: Heh I wish I didn't have caffiene addiction so I didn't have to drink cofffee this morning! Chocho: How come? Fhujeth: It's a stimulant so it's going to make my anxiety worse too.. Though the inital effects the the pot should be out of my system by now I am confused @_@ Oh well. I wish it would stop. I'll shut up about it XD Chocho: I hope it passes for you, really! Fhujeth: I hope it passes too because it's more painful to be sitting on the computer and being awake and trying to be alive than it is laying in bed pretending I don't exist! I'm fighting so hard to go back to bed and not exist!

Chocho: Karamatsu's enjoying it at least Chocho: Vados wasn't even in the 3 episodes we watched, only the intros for a second or so Fhujeth: Sorry for not talking lots I have weird muscle pain going down my arms -.x Chocho: S'all right! Fhujeth: i've felt shitty I hope nothing is seriously wrong lmao Chocho: It's probably one huge body shock combination or jet lag and coming back from Japan and infection and tiredness Fhujeth: yeah ;.; Chocho: Probably sister and mother induced stress to put the cherry on top

Fhujeth: invisible trauma from being fickin Chocho: that's not a work book Fhujeth: nyaachan fanbook Fhujeth: omg i just sorta fixed my back but I hear if I move my disc will slip back in place Chocho: oh? Fhujeth: Yeah I used a TENS to stop all the pain and decompressed my back and it doesn't hurt right now but I am scared to move Chocho: that's no good Fhujeth: no and i guess i don't qualify for obama care or something so I do not get insurance Fhujeth: ahh well

Fhujeth: No. It stinks bad too. Chocho: as do cat farts Fhujeth: Yes. XD Fhujeth: I cannot stay up at all @_@ Chocho: too tired? Fhujeth: pain Fhujeth: and that time of month Chocho: i seeee Fhujeth: but my back being like a squished sandwich cookie is kinda gross Chocho: yeah... Chocho: i hope you feel better Chocho: wanna talk totty? Chocho: would that help at all? Chocho: cos Chocho: i mean Chocho: it's totty

Fhujeth: I accidentally hit end task when fixing something else - I have a lot to do but I am getting it done I am just freaking out some because my mom is making me do the back porch and I am only a third done, I'm in intense pain and I wanna get Jussy this commission by tonight!

Fhujeth: Are you feeling okay? Chocho: why do you ask? Fhujeth: Because you're my friend and I am concerned about your well being? Chocho: oh i meant if you thought i was acting weird or something Chocho: i have a headache and i'm peeved but otherwise ok thanks Chocho: you? Fhujeth: My back wont get better and the pain is intense no matter what I do and I'm running out of pot and the guy who was supplying me left the country I think Chocho: i remember you mentioning about the pot guy... Fhujeth: So I might be weird a few days after I 100% run out. x.x Chocho: ok! Fhujeth: But I need to figure out more pain managment ideas because it's pretty much at the point where I am unable to do very much. It's excrutiating to bend down to feed the cats and I haven't done hardly any housework in the past few weeks that required hevy lifting and when i was powerwashing the other day the pain was insane. Fhujeth: but yeah! That's how I've been! Fhujeth: Otherwise I've bene okay emotionally! Chocho: there has to be other ways Chocho: my friend goes to massage therapy and accupuncture for his pain Fhujeth: I have something that is like accupuncture! The problem is I don't have health insurance, otherwise I'd be all over physical therapy x.x Chocho: you're gonna be saving a buck by not buying weed Fhujeth: I think a session for physical therapy will cost me half a month's supply of weed Chocho: just go every 2 weeks Fhujeth: When I went they wanted me to go 2 or three times a week (I forget how many times but it was like 15 sessions) for some very specific things (sessions were 45 minutes and were workout, massage, stretch, and decompression, and TENS). I'll see if there is anything the state! I think right now my best option will have to be the way most americans manage pain... XD our ridiculously heavy duty pain killers that kill us slowly and surely.

[This log was nearing the end of us talking. She literally asked me how I was JUST to talk about how much pain SHE was in, then say she's not willing to pay for care.]

Chocho: but he gets bad bad pain Fhujeth: Ah! Ok! I have back pain! I wish had healthcare! I'll look into things more. I was thinking of getting one of those inversion tables! Chocho: heat pad might help too Fhujeth: I use heat, ice, and a mini-tens unit! (also those are great for cramp pain!) Fhujeth: Oh I remember what helped too is that stinky rub Chocho: i think if it's that bad, your pain, you should try these things out, if only a couple of times... like the massage treatment Chocho: it may well super help Fhujeth: I did twice! Fhujeth: err, I did physical therapy twice Chocho: ah well there you go Fhujeth: like 40 sessions! It helped but I went a lot. Chocho: i don't really have any other ideas Fhujeth: It's ok! Chocho: dried cranberries Fhujeth: What do those do :O Chocho: some kind of pain relief, i'm not sure

Fhujeth: I am in. So. much. Pain right now. I'm wanted to stay at the computer and still play sm but I think I'm gonna have to lay down and try to work on my back at the same time. What else do I need to do for Choromatsu and the meds :3

Fhujeth: i am so much pain i can't hardly walk Chocho: maybe you should rest.... Fhujeth: I'm gonna when the game comes try to lay on the floor with my legs up and try to get my spine to at least not hurt... gonna try to get some other work sorted first Chocho: ok! Fhujeth: Sorry for whining I'm kinda scared it's never been this bad and it wont stop Chocho: it's all right Chocho: i hjust hope you can get some relief Fhujeth: I have some vicadin it just recently expired i think...

Chocho: i looked up slipped disc treatment Chocho: "It can take about one to three months to recover from a slipped disc. Treatment usually involves a combination of physiotherapy, such as massage and exercise, and medication to relieve the pain. Surgery to release the compressed nerve and remove part of the disc may be considered in severe cases, or if the pain doesn't settle down over time. In many cases, a slipped disc will eventually shrink back away from the nerve and the pain will ease as the disc stops pressing on the affected nerve. Sometimes the slipped disc will stay pressing on the nerve, but the pain goes away because the brain learns to "turn down the volume" on the pain messages coming from the nerve. " Fhujeth: Yeah ;.; Chocho: i still recommend massages Chocho: once every 2 weeks Chocho: if you're in that much pain, surely it's worth a try? Fhujeth: I have a thing I am going to start to use for massages and start with it... I think mine isn't a slipped disc though it's the next step above that (unless it's the same name) Fhujeth: But massage would def help Fhujeth: I wonder if there is a place here that can do it not as a "spa" Chocho: it would be worth looking into if you're going to not be spending that $ on weed... use it on something else to help the pain Chocho: i would Fhujeth: Yeah I know! Trust me, I know. ;.; I tried doing some other stuff like laying the way you're supposed to but it felt like uhh how to word it..... Fhujeth: I was more sore when I got up

What stood out to me in this one was just how willing Chocho still was to help Fhujeth out with her pain despite everything that Fhujeth had put her through up until now. But it’s being mentioned so much it’s difficult to know how bad the pain really is.

Chocho: good Fhujeth: Ugh I am trying to massage the area and the pain got like 50 times worse Fhujeth: I think Chocho: i think it may well be a case of worse before better Fhujeth: it might wear off Chocho: cos you're shocking the system Fhujeth: Yeah. shocking the system? Chocho: yeah, as in it's not what your back is expecting Chocho: kind of like ice stings before it numbs Fhujeth: I hope! I feel kinda tense now x.x;

[These all lead up to the "day" where I was finally done with the topic always being about how much pain Fhujeth was in and me not being all too sure how much of it was true and how much was attention seeking... turns out the time I was finally done was the worst time to be done.]

[The pain stuff, whether is was a headache, a migraine, rashes, aches after working in the garden, her back or anything else... basically started, at the latest, around April when she was in Japan (condering that we first started talking at the very end of February that year). From that point, talk about pain came up all the time, it was draining and the pain just "escalated" all the time. And it continued right up to when I said I wanted out (Which was the end of November the same year).]

The logs here are just from the utox app and Chocho says these are not all the mentions of pain from Fhujeth.

This is where we got onto talking about the ignored artwork...

[I actually shared the artwork first, then commented about the Tabimatsu event. Her back didn't "escalate" until I mentioned "let's ignore it" about the art (which to be honest, she ignored my art a fair few times before then) which I had been actually drawing out some of our roleplay we had been doing, which I had been doing to try and distract her from the apparent pain. By this point, she had been complaining about "bad pain" so much (crying wolf, basically) that I... have to say, I no longer believed the severity. Here's the chatlog. With that in mind, you can see I'm tired of this same situation over and over, it just happened to be the worst time to make a comment. Either that or she escalated it BECAUSE I made a comment? I don't know, I can't be sure, I was only on the other side of the screen. After a while she went silent, so when I decided to go watch TV with my boyfriend, I left the note saying I was. It was blunt because I was annoyed, which I assume came across as heartless to people she showed. Sadly, timestamps weren't kept, so that context is lost.

Apparently the people who she showed at least partial logs to, she didn't mention that I was drawing the pictures to entertain her and help distract her, nor that I asked if she took pain meds and if they would help. Basically the only part she kept of mine was "thanks for ignoring my pic", I was told. So THIS is the "edited chatlogs" I mentioned. Editing means conveniently dropping details from the conversation too, being that because you've only shown snippits or because you've dropped lines entirely...]

Chocho: *PIC WAS HERE* Chocho: i never managed to get school uniform choromatsu from the event before it ends Chocho: there's no way i can get enough coins for another spin before the event goes, which sucks Fhujeth: I'm sorry >< Chocho: it's okay i guess what can i do? let's ignore it [<- note, this was me hinting about the ignored artwork] Fhujeth: uhhhhh my back is Fhujeth: very bad Fhujeth: atm Fhujeth: i am home alone Chocho: thanks for ignoring my pic can you get any painkillers or do ones like ibuprofen or paracetamol not work? Fhujeth: this is emergency Chocho: or do you have any of that one that worked the other day? Fhujeth: your pic is good I like it Fhujeth: sorry I am panicing Chocho: mmhmm [<- note, this is a response to “your pic is good I like it”, not that she is panicking] Fhujeth i can't move Chocho: have you got any of the one you used the other day Fhujeth: i can't move Chocho: the one that let you sleep well Fhujeth: like my back is that much pain i can't move Fhujeth: i am like leaning ovef in my chait Fhujeth: your picture, I like it! I am really sorry I can't focus right now. I don't mean to ignore it I'm freaking out and in a lot of pain and I can't do anything Chocho: i don't have any advice left Fhujeth: there is no advice Fhujeth: i am stuck here and scared Fhujeth: and hurting Fhujeth: till my mom gets back Fhujeth: i'ma try to fb her Fhujeth: she coming home Fhujeth: im trying t figur out how to get to the floor Chocho: im going to go watch tv

This is the conversation that happened a day before the chatlog that Fhujeth gave me as evidence that Chocho didn’t care about her pain while only being interested in the fact that Fhujeth ignored an artwork. After all of the previous “I am in pain!” claims how was Chocho supposed to know that THIS one was a dire emergency? Anyone who is told about someone else’s pain that many times is going to be desensitized to it and it becomes very difficult to tell what is bad and what is REALLY bad. Because Chocho wasn’t convinced that it was apparently an emergency, Fhujeth accuses Chocho of abuse.

Fhujeth claimed that the question about painkillers was insulting:

I might've forgotten when I worded the story but I rectified that. That was something that to me was more an insult than a concern because if I am in pain OF COURSE I am going to take pain meds.

Chocho gave me these...

Fhujeth: it's just she wants me to clean always at the worst time so I try to get it done in the am Chocho: That's a good idea.. u_u Fhujeth: There, now if I have to do anything it'll be powerwash Fhujeth: which I might do in a few minutes Fhujeth: because also if this pain gets worse I'll be unable to clean at all! Chocho: Hmm.. =( Have you been taking painkillers or..? Fhujeth: I will in a bit if it gets worse it's ok right now :3 Fhujeth: roombas are great (robot vaccuums) ahh Chocho: Okay! ;w; Just don't suffer too much, all right? <3 Hahaha, I bet! XD Fhujeth: oh I wont :3

Fhujeth: ahh my head hurts Chocho: How come? D= Fhujeth: not sure o_o Chocho: Headache? Fhujeth: Yeah ;.; Chocho: Can you take painkillers? D= Fhujeth: Yeah I may... brb gonna do the dishes Chocho: OK

Fhujeth: whch pattern Fhujeth: For kara? Chocho: Yeah! => Chocho: See if it's possible to shrink down Chocho: I doubt it cos it has small parts. XD Chocho: It might not even be worth trying... Fhujeth: I have a badddd migraine Chocho: Did you take painkillers? =< Fhujeth: Yeah not working x.x Chocho: Did you take paracetamol AND ibuprofen together?

Fhujeth: it's ok! also happy birthday again Chocho: Thank-you! ;w; Fhujeth: x3 no problem, I wish my head didn't hurt so bad. Chocho: Did you take ibuprofen AND paracetamol? =< You didn't answer Fhujeth: what is paracetamol? Chocho: It's a painkiller.. =o Chocho: One of the most common... Chocho: You can take it with ibuprofen as long as the ibuprofen you took doesn't have it in it. => Chocho: And it acts like a double whammy because it attacks pain in a different way Fhujeth: Ahhh, no I don't have that Chocho: Might be worth checking your painkillers to make sure they don't have it in already, then getting some if they don't! =o Fhujeth: it's hard to get that stuff here. Chocho: Is Japan really stingy with painkillers or something> Chocho: *? Fhujeth: well you can only get them in a pharmacy Chocho: Cos paracetamol is... the standard painkiller Fhujeth: I will sleep soon Chocho: Okay! ;w; Sounds like a good idea since you're in so much pain! Fhujeth: Yeah... I wanted to finish the bag but I will when I wake up. Chocho: Good idea.. =< Chocho: Don't suffer, you know? Fhujeth: Yeah x.x I am suffering at this point Chocho: You should try to rest! =< Chocho: Especially with a migraine Fhujeth: Yeah, I will sleep now!!!! Goodnight :3

Fhujeth: Back.. are you feeling betteR? Chocho: Yeah, you? Fhujeth: Nope x.x Chocho: Still in pain? Fhujeth: Yeah. ;.; Chocho: Did you take any painkillers? =) Chocho: *=( Chocho: Heh, shouldn't be smiling at that Fhujeth: it's ok XD You seemed pretty pissed at me when I left so... about to! Chocho: I was pissed at the world Fhujeth: I am used to people taking their frustrations out on me XD;; So I sorta knew you were upset about many things but I felt like I was in firing range. Did you wanna post that thing? Chocho: Ohhh no, I might have ranted about things to you but I don't go about ATTACKING my friends

[Any time she was in pain, I suggested/asked about painkillers and usually she hadn't even bothered to take them... so... painkillers were the first thing I always asked about every time.]

So hang on... every other time painkillers were brought up it was Chocho being helpful and it was appreciated... but this one time where ignored artwork also happened to be involved is was hugely insulting? I don’t get it.

And something else I’d like to mention. I’ve never seen Fhujeth mention pain before. There are endless instances of it in the logs from Chocho, but past Chocho saying goodbye to Fhujeth...?? Maybe it’s only ever in private conversations... but just a thought.

Part of Fhujeth’s conversation with me:

Ah, to add, yeah. So that event happened, I didn't log into the chat we used (utox) the next day so that night they IMd me talking just about 'Oh I guess Totty has big balls now" or something cause the yokai set came out... :S and I was like, "Wait are you for real you're not gonna ask how I am after that?"

Chocho gave more logs:

11/22/2016 chochomatsu just gotta say choromatsu is very amused that todomatsu is a tanuki and what that implies totally-totty Yeah. chochomatsu i'll leave you be

totally-totty And. The "icing on the cake" was instead of you sending me something saying, "are you ok? i know you were in a lot of pain yesterday." You had to tell me about Tanuki Balls. I think you're a great person and I like to RP and interact and chat with you but I think you think I don't care about you. chochomatsu tanuki balls? totally-totty Isn't that what your first message to me implied? chochomatsu not really besides the fact that that was trying to start conversation i wasn't even thinking about tanuki balls totally-totty What were you implying in your first message? chochomatsu tanuki's are portrayed/commonly seen as fat that's all are they supposed to have big balls too? totally-totty Yeah.

[The continuation of the "chatlog evidence" that Fhujeth cropped out, revealing that I wasn't actually talking about tanuki balls at all, but actually that tanukis are portrayed as fat, something she kept pushing on Choromatsu (and earlier, when I was working on Domatsu, Karamatsu) that is now Todomatsu instead. Even though I flat out explained myself there and then, I guess she thought that messaging her about tanuki balls was more offensive and better to use as "evidence", so she cropped the rest out.... also, one of the lines in her chatlog is out of order. Here's the true order;]

FHU'S 'EVIDENCE' ORDER;

chochomatsu i don't want to talk about this any more we are getting nowhere i don't think i am wrong for having emotions or feelings, but i obviously am, so i'm sorry i will leave it at that

totally-totty I understand where you're coming from, we are both at fault here or it was a misunderstanding. It was a bad situation where we both felt ignored by the timing of events and you expected me to do something that I didn't do.

chochomatsu here's what you want: i was completely 100% wrong, bad, nasty, horrible and i am sorry

totally-totty I think we're both at fault.

TRUE ORDER;

chochomatsu i don't want to talk about this any more we are getting nowhere i don't think i am wrong for having emotions or feelings, but i obviously am, so i'm sorry i will leave it at that here's what you want: i was completely 100% wrong, bad, nasty, horrible and i am sorry

totally-totty I understand where you're coming from, we are both at fault here or it was a misunderstanding. It was a bad situation where we both felt ignored by the timing of events and you expected me to do something that I didn't do.

totally-totty I think we're both at fault.

So... edited chatlogs? It’s a minor edit but it significantly changes the flow of the conversation in Fhujeth’s favor when read in the order Fhujeth showed it.

Additionally...

Fhujeth: I am back now! I have to try to clean my side of the house that is what I was doing the other day when we were talking when pain got me ;.; now it's all messy again and I am terrified so if I say that I am in very bad pain again it's probably the same as yesterday! I'll try not to "cry wolf" with pain that is tolerable from now on to help clear things up! Fhujeth: the day before^ Chocho: take it easy, ok?

[Fhujeth even admitted she had been crying wolf about her back pain before the fight after the event.]

[I found out later from others that Fhujeth chased all my potential friends away by spreading tiny nasty rumours about me to people who were other ask blogs in the fandom, in an attempt to keep them away from me. Telling them things like I was SO controlling and had a huge ego/bad attitude. I had no idea this was going on, but apparently she started super early into our friendship (the domatsu days, before chocho existed).]

[I found, after I had broken away from Fhujeth that I realised that she had really... muddied my mind. The way she was so quick to aggression or even a full out argument (which I really did not want) made me just nod along and agree with her nasty comments and tactics in order to defend myself from potential fallout and I felt disgusting about that after I broke away and my mind was cleared. I rarely stood up for my beliefs and morals whilst talking to her. I mean, sometimes I did? But usually I didn't. I dunno if maybe the people who talk to her now are doing that very same thing now themselves. She just had this toxic atmosphere that infects you. After I walked away I found that my mood was instantly more positive, even though she was trying her very best to destroy me publicly and privately. The absolute hell she put me and my name through after I left was actually less stressful than the frustration and pressure I had to deal with daily whilst we were talking, especially near the end.]

[Fhujeth would fight about /anything/. I'm pretty sure she enjoyed arguments (which I really, really do not) and liked to spur drama. So I would try and avoid that at all costs, not calling them out on their poor behaviour or bad morals because I didn't want to argue about things, ever. And the fights took forever, they lasted sometimes hours I think because you just can't be right against her. Even when the argument was as stupid as "what the right way to play DDR is". I could never win because she would never reconsider her opinion/point/stance. Basically the only way out of the argument was bowing down and saying "you're right, I'm wrong, you win". But of course, the response to that is always negative (and insulted) because she wants the argument to continue I suppose. And of course, if you're angry, the way you pitch "LET'S END THIS" is always going to be angry. I'm actually quite hard to anger and yet she managed repeatedly. Possibly more times in a single year than anybody on their own has managed to do (besides maybe my brother if we count my entire life). I can't believe just how many times I say I'm frustrated or angry or peeved or upset in these chatlogs looking back... it doesn't sound like me... <=/;;; Cos I'm not usually angry or peeved or upset... tired maybe... XD;;]

Fhujeth claimed to me that she was the one that tried to get away from Chocho.

That she sent me after I had chosen to stop signing in to get away from her.

Chocho gave me a small chatlog with her point of view...

Fhujeth: You having a good day today? Chocho: Yeaaah, enough. You? Fhujeth: Eh, was ok, Jussy did something minor but irritating to me Chocho: Really? =S What did she do? Fhujeth: she messaged me on two seperate accounts of mine within 5 minutes of each other saying Hi on one and "boop" on the other at 5am XD Chocho: Ugghhh... you might wanna tell her that it was 5am and you didn't appreciate it... Chocho: She probably doesn't think time zones Fhujeth: it was more so the... probably... 5 minutes within each other. I can get after a few hrs or osmething if it is important but just to say hi...... within 5 minutes is.... strange Fhujeth: Cus I know I messaged you twice the same day on different accounts but it was after a fight.... and it was over the span of a day. :S Fhujeth: But this was like 3 minutes or less even.. and not even to say anything.... important...

[By the last month of talking to Fhujeth, I have to be honest, I wanted out. But I could tell that if I told her "that's enough, I'm leaving" that she would... well, do exactly what she did. There were a couple of times after fights where I'd say something like "Is this the end?", hoping they'd say "Yeah, let's part ways" so that I wouldn't have to make the run for it and the parting would hopefully be mutual and peaceful, but every time, they wanted the friendship to continue. (As an interesting point, now I'm looking back at these chatlogs, basically every fight/argument had a "So what do you want to do then? We always fight anymore, should we still be friends??" from her in it. This was from quite early on though, so it looks like a threat, rather than a resoution.) The fallout I could sense scared me into not leaving, but I was completely done/spent emotionally otherwise. If I had just not signed into Tox ever again, I would be leaving behind all my friends on there and she would just come find me on tumblr anyway as always... but after "the back event", I found out about all of the horrible stuff she had been doing in regards to me even from months back, the whole talking about me behind my back and villainising me to others. So I decided that was it, wrote her a message about giving the "closure" that she wanted, that she had told me at the start of the friendship (if I wanted to leave I had to give closure, not just disappear). I didn't block Fhujeth so she could have her say and I got nothing but abuse back which I didn't respond to until she blocked me. I have not said a thing to her since. She even sent some horrible, abusive e-mails in the coming months after, knowing I'd see them. Also, it's probably worth mentioning that she sent my boyfriend of many years a direct malicious e-mail, trying to turn him against me.

She says that she was trying to get away from me for ages, but it was the other way around. I was terrified to leave, I even said so to one of my friends, because I could just tell from the atmosphere that if I left, no matter how I did it, she would follow me or try to destroy me. Which is exactly what she did.]

This is a chatlog of Chocho talking to one of her other friends (name censored for protection):

chochomatsu <name>, I'm scared... if I try to cut ties is she going to try and destroy me? It's pretty much the biggest reason why I've let myself be pushed around by her for so long.... this has been going on for months... chochomatsu I can't do it any more... chochomatsu If she's willing to ruin my reputation over a tiny scuffle/misunderstanding... because that's basically what that was a few days ago. Hurt feelings, not even a fight

And this... is the very last thing Chocho said to Fhujeth. The parting message:

11/26/2016 chochomatsu Hey. I can't do this any more.... I found out what you did regarding Monday/Tuesday. I'm not willing to put up with this any longer. It was fun while it lasted and I can't say I didn't have some good times with you, but enough is enough. This is the closure you asked for... thanks for being my friend.... I hope things go well for you from here on out. Goodbye! totally-totty You mean you hurt me so bad? It was fun when it lasted... What do you wanna do with what is owed? Just be even? totally-totty I think it hurt me that you did not get that you hurt me... And then guilt tripped me... Tried to put the blame on me. totally-totty So yeah. It was great while it lasted. Sans the times youd misunderstand me and I would put up with it. totally-totty But i am not all to blame here. If you cannot see what you did wrong. I feel so sad for you. I only retailiate when i have had enough. totally-totty What did you find out exactly? Just for reference. totally-totty That I told people you abused me tooons of times? That when I have had right to be paranoid and scared you told me not to hold it against you but when ai hurt you youve held it against me ever since. totally-totty Ill miss talking to you. But i wont miss the anxiety and stress of feeling like i was walking on eggshells to make sure i said things properly. totally-totty I wont miss you interpreting everything as either aggressive or ignored either. You have hurt me more than you actually know or probably grasp and all you cared was that I ignored your drawing. "If i was in pain id have done this" ya well im not you And id try to apologize but itd always go to a false ear. totally-totty So I leave you with this. I know it sucks to have epilepsy and other physical ailments but please... You have NHS. For your future... Please seek some psychiatric help. You are lucky enough that you get access to it. Utilize it. Also learn how to take a critique.

...wow. After everything I now know this is just... incredible. Fhujeth is insinuating that everything is Chocho’s fault here. That Chocho guilt tripped her(?), hurt her, misunderstood her... and that everything they ever spoke about in their friendship sparked anxiety and stress. And that final attack on Chocho’s physical illness is just flat out despicable. There is NO excuse for that. (Note: Chocho has given me full permission to include this information in this post)

Perhaps, given everything here, it is Fhujeth that needs to seek psychiatric help.

Past this point, Chocho claims to have not spoken to Fhujeth at all hoping that Fhujeth would eventually move on and not cause further drama over the broken friendship. Fhujeth didn’t do that (as I can back up). Emails were sent to Chocho from Fhujeth for months after the final goodbye...

"Have fun, I guess. You really hurt me. You have no idea how much you hurt me. You're a heartless person. I should've known when I first met you. I have no idea what your issue is..."

And...

“And I can NEVER forgive you for the shit you pulled on Jussy you desperate little fuck."

What... seriously?? Fhujeth was the one bugging Jussy for commissions and insulting her behind her back. If Fhujeth is referring to the two aliases thing... jesus fucking christ get over it! People have aliases, big deal! There is some SERIOUS spite here for reasons I can’t fathom. That Chocho managed to get away from her maybe? If you’ve read to this point you’ve seen the level of manipulation aimed at Chocho from Fhujeth.

And, quite importantly I think, it’s clear that Chocho was the one that wanted to get away, not the other way round. An abuser does not try to get away from their target, that’s what the abused does. The abuser is the one that takes chase once their target has got away.

Among other emails sent to Chocho from Fhujeth, there was also one apparently sent to Chocho’s boyfriend in an attempt to get him to turn against Chocho and reveal information to Fhujeth (this I couldn’t believe until I saw it, it’s a SERIOUSLY disgusting move). I wasn’t shown the entire email but I asked if I could see so Chocho asked her boyfriend to hand over some parts... (name changed to Chocho for privacy - real name was used)

Chocho did some really terrible things to me in the past and I can't say I haven't retaliated but even after I've tried to apologize she has kept it up. I just want peace. I have been trying to move on and it has been literally impossible, even with the blacklisting software and blocking.

I'm not here to criticize her or get mad at her, I just want to ask if you can check on her and what she is doing with ask blogging. I know she has stolen an idea from me now, and this I have records of. I think she is running multiple blogs under different aliases too. If anything I am actually more so worried for her mental health than anything else.

It's not my place to start anything. I just want you to look at what she is doing. Please, I urge you to keep this between you and me. I wouldn't be contacting a complete stranger if I wasn't getting desperate.

I think at this point she is running around four different tumblr "identities" and trying to play them off as if they are entirely different people despite it is very clearly in her art style that it is her.

Yes, really. Fhujeth actively tried to get Chocho’s boyfriend to reveal information to her behind Chocho’s back because she was paranoid about what Chocho was “doing with ask blogging”. Now I can’t speak for anyone else but I find this utterly despicable. Not to mention the continued attacks on Chocho’s state of mental wellbeing.

Extras...

[I had so, so many fights with Fhujeth because she'd take something the wrong way or she'd be rude/disgusting or she'd pick a fight.... and every fight lasted FOREVER and I was SO DONE with fighting. My 2 best internet friends for up to 10 years? I have probably had 1 argument with each in those years. And it didn't last and cleared up quick. My best friend in person that I have known since I was about 8 years old? I have had 1 fight with them EVER and it was because of another person. My other best in person friend I have never had a fight with ever. I had another best online friend who I had known since we were 12, she slowly drifted away over time due to changing interests and I think we lost touch when we were about 24 or older by the time that happened... we had 1 fight in the history of us being friends and that was when we were what... 15? Prime time for teenage friend arguments. In general I think it's natural to have at least ONE fight with your best friends that you know for years. But the sheer amount of fighting Fhujeth started between us in less than a year was just incredible...]

While looking for the chatlogs shown in this post, Chocho found a lot of these fights with Fhujeth... but because the post is already very long I have put these in a separate draft here:

https://totty-chan.tumblr.com/private/172180653683/tumblr_p62b4pvIRS1w7dwde

There are also other subjects of interest in this post although they weren’t strictly related to Fhujeth’s claims of abuse from Chocho that she discussed with me. There are also some logs and comments that extend upon the subjects covered in this post, but again, this post has grown into a monster already

tfl;dr

I (Sammy) have had my fair share of bad experiences with Fhujeth over the past year. I have known about the drama between her and Chocho but not any of the details until now. I approached Fhujeth about it asking for proof because I didn’t like the fact she was STILL going around accusing Chocho of being her “abuser” and I didn’t know why. After listening to Fhujeth’s argument and considering her evidence, I went to Chocho to ask her for her side. Up until now Chocho has been very unwilling to talk about anything to do with Fhujeth because it was a very hurtful topic for her. But when I told Chocho that Fhujeth is still claiming that she is the abused, Chocho decided to break silence and... well.. tell me everything. If you’ve read the post, I’d like you to make you own decision on all of this, BUT, in my opinion Chocho is the one that was abused. And in a big way, for a very long time. Manipulation, gaslighting, fear, uncertainty... you name it, Fhujeth tried it. And when Chocho finally decided enough was enough, Fhujeth took chase and terrorized Chocho privately and publicly for months after the friendship was broken up.

tl;dr of the tfl;dr

Fhujeth’s a manipulative, despicable piece of shit who thought she could frame Chocho for her own disgusting behavior.

Considering my personal experiences with Fhujeth and those that I have discussed with others in the past, this article expert-reviewed by a licensed professional counselor describes this situation to near-perfection. I am of the opinion that Fhujeth is living with Antisocial Personality Disorder, or ASPD.

https://www.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Sociopath

Please read if you can and consider your relationship with Fhujeth and if any of this is relevant to you.

Take care of yourselves.

Chocho, I really hope Fhujeth finally leaves you alone. After seeing the proof you have given me I now believe you have been framed for abuse you didn’t commit and I can honestly say you don’t deserve any of the hell you have been dealt for the last year and a half...

[prioritizingpurples]

OOC chatlog

chatlog between fayna @prioritizingpurples and ava/rehavar @brighter-than-creations-dark under the cut!

prioritizingpurples hey ava are you okay/safe you seem. really upset and fucked up right now but also? rehavar? what the FUCK.

prioritizingpurples okay i'm assuming that you're safe but i'm still worried about you but i can't pretend like i'm not mad at you or that i'm ~only~ worried look, like.... either you knew i'd be okay with this, in which case why the hell did you hide it from me, or you knew i wouldn't be okay with this, in which case why did you stay friends with me when you know i have issues w boundaries and then you didn't even have the decency to tell me privately and instead you wanted to make it into some kind of... public spectacle???? either way that's kind of really fucked up of you!!! i defended your family's war crimes and you don't even give enough of a shit about me to, like. be honest?

prioritizingpurples quite honestly though it sounds like you're having a breakdown so don't.... worry about my feelings until after that's over, honestly take care of yourself no matter what shit you apparently believe of me that you'd rather dump me for a redfucker, i do genuinely want you to be okay

brighter-than-creations-dark ...ok I completely deserved all of that and I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry. I just. I'm so sorry. you have to tell me if there's no chance we can be friends after this because I can't hope for that if it's not possible I promise I'm not doing anything stupid, you don't need to worry about me

prioritizingpurples thank you for apologizing

prioritizingpurples i... i do think that we can still be friends after this. i stayed with you through war crimes drama, i think i can handle you having a different opinion on reds, as long as you can handle me also disagreeing and talking to you even if i'm not "ready to listen about how reds are our siblings", yk? i was more upset with how you did it, going from denying ever interacting w red rights people one post and then publicly calling me out for not being red-friendly enough in your next post, and not. like. trusting or caring about me enough to let me KNOW after all this time so, like, it's going to take work, you can't just say 'sorry' and expect all of my feelings from what you did to go away instantly, i'm still kind of. pissed, if we're being honest but. that said, we've been friends for a while now, you KNOW i can't just stop worrying about you bc you said so :P i may be angry but you're. still my friend tbh, and if you need anything--money, someone to talk to, whatever--i can't promise i can help but i can promise i'll do my best

brighter-than-creations-dark I know. I lied to y'all and I was manipulative instead of trusting you that we could be friends in spite of our differences. it doesn't help that my family proved me right but you deserved better from me, and I can see that nowwe don't have to talk about what I said in my post ever again if you don't want to and....

brighter-than-creations-dark idk. I know you're mad and you will be for a while, but getting the chance to apologize and you not hating me forever effective immediately has been the best news I've gotten this week. I'm not gonna pull something like this again

prioritizingpurples thank you for realizing what you did wrong and being open about that. it means a lot to me that you're willing to acknowledge that you fucked up and it's good to know you're okay with not talking about it with me if i don't want to. thanks for the promise not to pull something like this again, too, although it'll still take time to build up that trust again ...also, please keep an eye on your feet and if they turn colors that aren't your normal skintone (paler/yellowish/grayish/reddish) or if they get too sore or tingly please please get medical help, i'm not a doctor but i know enough to know that "can't feel your feet" can probably be bad if it gets worse?

brighter-than-creations-dark I think they're okay? I don't wanna camp again tonight though, it's supposed to snow. I'm about to head to a bar to see about finding a place to stay um, idk if you were serious about sending me a few dollars to spend the night in a hostel

brighter-than-creations-dark I reckon you wouldn't have said it if you weren't, but I don't wanna ask that of you right now. not after....yeah.

brighter-than-creations-dark don't worry about me. I promise I'm not gonna do anything I'm not comfortable with. I'm just gonna try and charm a yellow or someone into letting me crash on their floor for a night

brighter-than-creations-dark I've seen only a handful of purples since I got here so if anything I have novelty on my side

prioritizingpurples yeah i am definitely being serious i have enough extra money right now to do that kind of thing and im not saving up for a credit or anything so you know i can't stop worrying about you like that tbh i'd honestly rather just send you some cash than HAVE to worry about where you're sleeping tonight bc u know i can't just... stop worrying cause u told me so so even if u can't ask me for money for yourself at least let me give u something to help my worries a little

prioritizingpurples thank you for like. being so considerate towards me after everything though, it means a lot, bc, yeahhhh. but i. wouldn't have offered if i didn't want to

brighter-than-creations-dark okay. I can borrow [equivalent of $30] from you and I'll give it back if I end up not needing it is that alright?

prioritizingpurples yeah of course i was prepared to give you, like, up to [equivalent of $100-$150] without even like worrying about repayment so like. just send me your info and i'll send it over, don't worry about paying me back, aight? maybe one day if we ever end up doing that camping trip you can do something there for me to pay me back, idk. but for now, no strings attached, $30 is a small price to help another purple (and my peace of mind :p)

brighter-than-creations-dark okay. you don't know how much this means to me, Fayna thank you.

prioritizingpurples yeah, of course [does fayna already have some sort of paypal-equivalent for reha? if so, she's now approximately $35 richer with a note that she's had a rough time and deserves an extra $5 to use however she wants. if not, fayna will probably poke her a bit more to learn her paypal-equivalent]

brighter-than-creations-dark [I think she probably does. Reha has probably sent her stuff from Voa before I bet]

prioritizingpurples [okay, well, you can assume that that is done then]

[gurguliare]

this is the longest chatlog, catie and emma have to read all of it

Em: poor lin shu all ‘i loaned the book to jingyan but it’s fine he never notices anything - wait SHIT these are VERY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE DESSERT BOXES.’ Gogol: yes Gogol: i love the idea of like Gogol: baby lin shu horrible at observing his own dietary requirements Gogol: consort jing unfortunately has NO CLUE as to the myriad of new dietary requirements he has developed Gogol: since being poisoned. Gogol: just thousands of thrilling intolerances to ignore Em: he doesn’t have a digestive system anymore, he donated it to fei liu Gogol: yes Em: i do genuinely want btw Em: telepathic jingyan fic Gogol: and then there's his allergy to "air colder than room temperature," and "walks"---NO IT'S SO GOOD Em: telepathic jingyan and it doesn’t help Gogol: i meant to compliment you on it did i not. absolute perfection Gogol: i love it presumably because all the thoughts are like. exactly what mei changsu is saying with his mouth, but meaner Gogol: interspersed with occasional comments on jingyan's hair Gogol: it's not that mei changsu is any more conniving or ruthless than lin shu was. he just doesn't swear enough. Em: right literally that Em: lin shu: says exactly what mei changsu says, but adds ‘you stupid fucking water buffalo’ at the end of every third sentence Em: jingyan: i know that i am on the right path, because the spirits of the honoured dead are with me Em: mei changsu: ...right. Em: lin shu’s ghost, presumably: jingyan you’re so lucky you’re pretty

Gogol: ok but so the most important part of this right is lin shu also hearing jing's thoughts and assuming that this is just a sign of his own incredible perspicaciousness Em: oh my god Gogol: lin shu: my powers of extrapolation know no bounds Gogol: jingyan: uh huh Gogol: lin shu: exactly what he WOULD think! Gogol: my vision is eventually just full outloud conversations intermittently in response to thoughts while everyone around them wonders what the fuck is happening Em: oh please can he overhear. jingyan’s tremendous personal shame at feeling attracted to mei changsu. Em: specifically his shame about ‘desiring’ ‘happiness’ Em: yes definitely also this is exactly how they conversed as adolescents Gogol: YES Em: they have always been like this Gogol: THEY'VE HAD THE TELEPATHIC BOND THE ENTIRE TIME NEITHER HAS EVER QUESTIONED IT FOR A /VARIETY/ Of REASONS Gogol: i like the idea then also that it just has like. a forty mile radius limit or something completely physiological and normal Gogol: so then for the twelve intervening years it was just like Gogol: every so often mcs would go on a dumb adventure near the frontier and jingyan would get weird static and assume he was just, like, insane Gogol: which jives completely with the rest of his experience of those twelve years! so nw Em: oh my god Em: no he doesn’t assume he is insane he assumes he is being HAUNTED Em: the ghost of lin shu is yelling at him about flute boats Gogol: --ok Gogol: point Gogol: he would recognize the voice. Gogol: it's not like lin shu was ever on-topic in life. Gogol: this does raise the weird question of whether mcs' internal voice sounds like lin shu or mcs Em: ...I want to say lin shu Gogol: ia and i think the rest of the series bears you out on this lol, not to spoil except you've ALREADY READ ALL MY SPOILER PLAINTS Gogol: his is not a fast-adapting mind Em: on the other hand ‘i have been hearing your voice in my head for twelve years what the fuck’ has a certain charm Gogol: omg. yes. v different fic though Gogol: mcs: gives prepared speech about wading through a river of blood. jingyan, frowning in great concentration: six years ago did you once spend an hour trying to get a cat to let you rub its belly Em: i’m on episode twenty nine and I can already tell that mcs is PAPER thin Em: as a personality Em: lin shu: who are you Em: mcs: i’m you but slower Em: ...I feel like ‘I’m you but slower’ is probably the best characterisation opinion i’m going to have on this show Gogol: it's VERY GOOD. Em: related: jingyan has his suspicions about mcs but changed his mind after they started sleeping together. this man is clearly not lin shu. lin shu never had sex lasting longer than six minutes. Em: he tried but he got bored. Gogol: to be fair mcs falls asleep sometimes but that is because of his illness Gogol: it would be churlish to hold him to blame Em: jingyan is just. very boring in bed. Em: very tender. very sincere. likes prolonged eye contact. Gogol: the thing is i imagine that he and lin shu legitimately had a lot of fun, ill-advised, death-defying sex which doubled as just, like, you know, resilience testing for the product, but i also assume that jingyan has NO IDEA how to dick down an ~invalid Gogol: and is constantly thinking about this Em: asdfghjkl Em: all the time Em: thinking about it Em: which brings me back to Em: their telepathic bond Gogol: FUCK Em: jingyan: please advise me, sir su. Em: mcs: goes ahead and gives him sex advice for the question he was thinking instead of political advice for the thing he said. Em: or, no Em: jingyan comes to believe Em: that the ghost of lin shu is telling him how to bone this invalid Gogol: "i have his blessing!" Em: his detailed and specific blessing and his recommendations for positions and creative use of supportive pillows Gogol: "i can't believe i have his blessing. truly the dead must be incapable of love, or i lost his love through my slowness in seeking justice." Gogol: wait no i don't think jing is THAT dumb but i do feel like he would be a little resentful about "ghost" lin shu pushing him into mcs' arms, whether because he thinks the ghost is a hallucination and just a weaker way of telling himself what he wants to hear OR because lin shu's invasiveness about his love life was always annoying Gogol: anyway, whatever the case, best love triangle. Em: jingyan tenderly making love to mcs in a faintly resentful way because he’s annoyed lin shu insisted on getting involved in his love life is a beautiful image Gogol: YES Gogol: mcs: finally. that's the stuff Gogol: then: ow. turns out he talks big but doesn't actually enjoy his nonexistent biceps being SQUEEZED, what are they, barbarians Em: jingyan to mcs: sometimes i wish xiao shu was less involved in my love life Gogol: mcs presumably a baby about hair-pulling---fjdkslJGL:KSGOD... THE THING IS THIS IS SO. CLOSE TO THEIR. CANON CONVERSATIONS ABOUT "XIAO-SHU" Gogol: we really have just hit on a deeper vein of canon i think Em: I think all I really want is for jingyan to lovingly wrap mcs in a blanket and just. keep wrapping. Em: burrito him good Em: and carry him somewhere nice and quiet Em: and let him do his scream therapy until he tires himself out and goes to sleephappy ending Gogol: i would love for mcs to be nonharmfully sat on Em: unfortunately it’s impossible Em: his bones would snap Em: the ghost of lin shu has warned jingyan about this. mcs must always be on top. but he cannot be expected to do any work. jingyan had better practice his crunches. Em: shut UP xiao shu, says jingyan, out loud. their telepathy is functional over a medium distance. mcs isn’t even in the room. Em: lin shu, half a mile away, glances up from his tea and remarks: ah. prince jingyan feels frustrated just now. i deduced that. Gogol: the one question i then have is. who or what does mcs think "lin shu's ghost" is Em: oh he. doesn’t notice. Em: he’s just talking to jingyan, what about it. Em: ‘but jingyan is behaving strangely’ is he? he seems pretty normal. Em: until of course. jingyan confesses the truth to him. because he’s worried that either he is truly insane, in which case maybe? mcs shouldn’t make him emperor? or! he is perpetually haunted by lin shu telling him to do things! Em: in which case mcs DEFINITELY shouldn’t make him emperor Gogol: oh my god Gogol: fuck Gogol: SORRY JUST THE VISION OF Gogol: jingyan earnestly explaining to mcs that lin shu was his dear friend and could in no way be trusted with a nation Gogol: sure he wasn't capable of TREASON Gogol: but ANYTHING ELSE Em: yes exactly Gogol: anything, sir su. he once hid our baby cousins in an unused oven Em: just now his ghost told me SO WHAT Gogol: IT WAS UNUSED!! Gogol: said his ghost. you see my issue, mr su. Em: sir su, he is a man who even after twelve years of death can not understand why you do not put children in an oven Gogol: he is also extremely narcissistic, as demonstrated by the fact that he keeps responding to questions directed at you Em: and i am incapable of refusing him Gogol: and he is incapable of not exploiting my devotion, as evidenced by the fact that he just yelled, GOOD. Gogol: ....with your mouth. oh! that i would see the day my old friend sank to possessing the living! Em: this is the only au where lin shu sits jingyan down and explains the truth in small simple words Gogol: this is my favorite au.

[osakaso5]

Momo Re:vale Police Rabbit Chat Part 3: Momo's Conflict

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 4 | Part 5

Tsumugi: Momo-san, good work at the i7 Police shoot again!!

Momo: Good job!! You're so faithful, messaging us every single time~ (*￣▽￣)σ"

Tsumugi: I'm sorry that my greeting comes so late >< I couldn't talk to you at the shoot, but I hear you, Yamato-san, and Mitsuki-san's three-way fight scene was very passionate!

Tsumugi: Thank you for helping make it so impressive!

Momo: Those two were totally in sync, as you’d  expect! Yamato's acting  in particular was so  impressive that I was  a little nervous!

Momo: This shoot's been really educational and exciting! It's so much  fun! Thanks a lot for  the offer! (≧∀≦)

Tsumugi: Really!? It's an honor to hear you say that ><

Momo:

Momo: Ah! By the way,  I heard about IDOLiSH7  and TRIGGER's fight! lololol

Tsumugi: Ah >< You mean the incident that happened while we were filming the previous i7 Police...

Momo: I've heard the legends of when Ryunosuke snapped Sogo's neck and TRIGGER raided IDOLiSH7's homebase...

Tsumugi: It seems you've heard a more embellished version..! The reality was not nearly so violent ><

Momo: <・)))><<

Tsumugi: Has Re:vale ever been involved in any kind of fights or dangerous incidents?

Momo: Nope! Not usually! lololol

Momo: Even if we were about to, I'd just use my  loving social skills to make  them surrender!

Momo: Love & Peace! Yuki and me are super lovey-dovey, so we don't fight! (*丿▽丿)

Tsumugi: Re:vale's known for being lovey-dovey, after all!

Momo: Yep! And our matching aprons are cute, too \(☆´v`)★´v`)丿

Tsumugi: You mean your uniforms for the  Ribare Canteen!

Tsumugi: I liked how you acted like cool café employees, despite being canteen workers!

Momo: We didn't seem like canteen workers??? I guess even Yuki's acting couldn't cover his hottie aura~

Momo: It's true that if I went somewhere for a nice, relaxing lunch and found someone as handsome as Yuki working there, I'd be too giddy to eat. Do you think you could eat food while Yuki watches, if you didn't know him? Because I couldn't!

Tsumugi: I don't think I could, either...

Momo: Sometimes I still get nervous around him, because I remember the time when I only knew him as "Yuki-san"~

Momo: He's a true hunk, for me to be able to see him as the object of my admiration for so many years.

Momo: Ah, wait

Momo: Nevermind, forget everything I just said!

Tsumugi: Huh?

Momo: Aaaah! The chatlog isn't going away!!! What do I do!!!

Momo: Maneko-chan, I'm really sorry but could you delete this app and reinstall it???

Tsumugi: The app?

Momo: Awawawa, sorry!!! You can't do that, can you!!! You use it for work!!!!

Momo: Sorry! That was really thoughtless of me, so seriously, just forget it!!

Momo: I want to get the log out of my sight, so can we talk about something else? Sorry! I'm really sorry!!

Tsumugi: Calm down, Momo-san! I'll delete those messages on my end!

Momo: You goddess!!!!!!

Momo: 

Momo: 

Momo: 

Momo: Thank you! I love youuuuuu! ゜・。(。/□\。)。・゜

Tsumugi: But, what messages do you mean?

Momo: Everything about Yuki. I'm not allowed to talk about him.

Tsumugi: Not allowed?

Momo: Not allowed...

Choices/outcomes:

1. Are you fighting?

Momo: We're not! I just made him angry. Ah! But Yuki's not the bad guy here!! He's not even angry anymore!! I think!

2. I thought you were practically joined at the hip...

Momo: I want to grab the me who said that from the scruff of his neck and punch him... I don't know why I was so high and mighty back then...

3. Do you need advice from our Ogami?

Momo: I-I appreciate it, but that's maybe a little too much!? And I'd feel bad about using such a trump card against Yuki out of nowhere!!

Tsumugi: It seems this is a very complex situation...

Momo: This is, uh...

Momo: Actually, I was rabbit chatting to someone from work, and Yuki asked what we were talking about, so I told him that we were talking about him.

Momo: Then, he got just a little pouty and told me: "Don't use me as a topic of conversation without permission"...

Tsumugi: I see! So he banned you from talking about him!

Momo: But I just slipped up out of habit...

Tsumugi: Why would he give you a ban like that...

Momo: I dunno...

Tsumugi: You were supposedly so close...

Momo: That was all just in my head...

Tsumugi: That's not true! Re:vale is the ultimate duo! I can guarantee it, as someone who's admired and watched you for so long!

Tsumugi: Don't worry, I'll discretely delete everything we just talked about!

Momo: Ma'am, you're  about to steal my heart!!! 。・゜・(*丿Д`*)・゜・。

Tsumugi: I'm sure this'll all be settled. Try not to worry so much.

Momo: Yeah... But, um, can I ask you something weird?

Momo: Out of me, Ban-san, or Gaku, who'd you choose?

Tsumugi: Huh!? Why would you pick those three people... Ah, is it because of the i7 Police 2 plot?

Momo: Yeah...

Tsumugi: As a partner? Or a spouse?

Momo: Will you pick me?

Tsumugi:

Tsumugi: You're so much older than me, but you can be kind of cute, lol

Momo: Uuugh! You turned my arrogance back at me, and now I'm the one who's embarrassed... As expected of someone who always hangs out with hot guys!

Tsumugi: Momo-kun, you're not trying to make a move on our girl, are you? From Banri

Momo: Most certainly not!!!!!!

[megasilverfist]

Chatlog with Blackoutlandish

((As normal this is private IC)) megasilverfist Hey, no guarantees, but would you be interested in moving up from shared pseudonym to loosely connected to a celebrity cash grab? Because I'm probably getting a comic book series. Last Thursday at 12:24 PM  blackoutlandish It'd depend on the details, of course. What brought me to your attention? (And you understand I'm limited in my ability to provide a portfolio of previous work, of course.) Last Thursday at 6:57 PM  megasilverfist We've been mutuals for like 4 years, and I could be getting you mixed up with a different blackout RPer (I used to know quite a few) I think we reviewed each others fanfic back when I still had time for that stuff. Also they have a prompt they want people to use. Last Friday at 12:58 AM  blackoutlandish I'd be happy to take a look.  megasilverfist Well two prompts.  One based on me an the other on one of the characters from an ongoing series they run. Haka is having a day on the town, when suddenly, a desperate cry rings out! A baby has been kidnapped! And noble Haka, Our Hero of Tapa, must rescue them! Silver visits Ereith, and wrestles a bear.  megasilverfist Action is a major part of the franchise, but they do get they grey's they're working with to do fight scene consulting so they're mostly looking at your ability to do smooth transitions into and out of it, and snappy dialogue.  megasilverfist So like make sure to give Haka and the villains some good banter and come up with a cool excuse for me to wrestle a bear.  blackoutlandish _nod_  megasilverfist They don't have a fixed length the expect, but a page or two each in script format is about right.  Pay rate is ((more than you currently make but not by a ton))  megasilverfist Also they like more or less realistic caste dialects rather than the everyone speaks standard convention some people go for. I mean you can cut some of the parts that can be confusing to people like position words, but overall the greys should sound grey, purples purple ect.  blackoutlandish I think I can make that kind of thing clear enough to out-of-caste readers. Last Friday at 9:09 AM  megasilverfist Cool Today at 10:50 AM  megasilverfist ((ooc how to you want this to go)) Today at 12:35 PM  blackoutlandish ((For the money you're offering, you can probably find a better writer, but it's not inconceivable Nisa could get the job. She's not a *great* writer, but she's okay. She writes disposable pulp.))  megasilverfist ((Silver wouldn't frame it this way, but if you ask him for the name of the publisher/franchise then do some research you'll see that the only reason its not disposable pulp is because people with very bad taste *cough silver cough* treat it as collectable and that the relatively high pay is because the celebrity tie in angle creates both more profit and lots of headache))  blackoutlandish ((Neat, so this is actually at about her level. Let's do it.))  megasilverfist ((Yeah, I planed it so it would be enough of a step up that taking it would be a no brainer but close enough that she would make sense as a candidate with only a teeny bit of favoritism from a not that close friend))  megasilverfist ((p.s. you will probably receive death threats IC, the fanbase is toxic, as are several of the other grey partners))  blackoutlandish ((oh dear ^_^)) Awesome, you should get the official call latter today, but it looks like they liked what you sent.  blackoutlandish Glad to hear it!  megasilverfist Yeah, I'm super excited to get this going.  blackoutlandish :D  megasilverfist ((if you want me to make up specific characters at the publisher and chat rp them I can, if not I can just give you a loose run down of how I picture this place working))  blackoutlandish ((rundown's fine))  megasilverfist ((I'm leaning towards saying that its Echo Bridge Press, but not sure if that fits with your picture of them. Anyway the pro is that it well paid for a place willing to hire *you* and that the other writers + Silver are nice, the cons are tight deadlines, a toxic fanbase and a totem pole that you are at the bottom of))  blackoutlandish ((the publishers I listed are specifically publishers of collective-pseudonym fiction, though some of them could also publish nonanonymous authors))  megasilverfist ((Oic, will make up a new one then, probably the same people that do youth leap.))  blackoutlandish :+1:  megasilverfist ((The greys’ reputations and a few pieces of setting ip are what makes the franchise work, you suspect your boss values them more than your life. I don't know if you believe the rumors about what happened to the author that threatened to go public with complaints about sexual assault/beatings/harassment from friends in the police but you've heard them.  After that come the artists who are more talented at art in general than most of the writers are at writing, and have lots of specialized knowledge about how to do the sorts of art needed for this, e.g. panel layouts for fight scenes and how to follow a dancer's description of a dance scene. They have a strong tendency to take over storyboarding and other parts of the writing duties.  On one hand this can be helpful giving the deadline pressure on the other hand its pretty clear that they are considered the creators and you're just filling in speech bubble that half the audience probably doesn't read anyway.  Also people are very considering about the audience in ways that have pretty open castist tones))  blackoutlandish (("very considering about the audience" - condescending?))  megasilverfist ((yes))  megasilverfist ((there is a certain weird chemistry by which this manages to consistently keep the audience engaged and occasionally even come up with something legit good like Jackie Chan Adventures, but overall this is a celebrity tie in cash grab for kids and the kind of adult who watches DBZ and the people making it know it.))  blackoutlandish ((awesome))  blackoutlandish ((Nisa is gonna try to make it actually good but she Knows Her Place. Any ~arrogant artistic vision integrity~ she ever had has been safely shelved long ago.))  megasilverfist ((cool, it is weird in that is some parts of the process you have no freedom, but you have almost complete freedom in every other respect because they just don't devote many resources to monitoring your work))  megasilverfist Btw, one of the big benefits is thats its not collective pseudonym so you can get other jobs from it, but by tradition it is per author pseudonym. You don't have to use one, but they'll ask if you have one picked out.  blackoutlandish Interesting. I'll have to look up what kinds of pseudonyms previous authors have used.  megasilverfist I liked the Bard of Light's stuff when I was reading it as a kid, but they're a lot of variety.  blackoutlandish _nod_  megasilverfist ((mind if I cleanup edit then post this log?))  blackoutlandish ((go for it))  blackoutlandish ((I might need some more examples to get a sense of how namelike/titlelike they are -- Starlit Cowl? Shadowscribe?))  megasilverfist ((Leans title like but with a lot a variation on the principle of nobody cares, Shadowscribe would work))  megasilverfist ((You going with shadowscribe?))  blackoutlandish ((yeah))

[deckspair]

Systemic Shock || Neo || Trial 6-1 || Re: Shinobu, Evangeline, Chouko

“I confess.”

The words come from the gaunt, tired-looking blonde, the last of his kind -- and to wit the last of his orphanage now, there was no way any of them could afford a ticket if even Shinobu’s well-off parents couldn’t. “I’m the one behind all of this and I did it because I wanted people to feel sorry for me before I killed them all.” Neo says in an utterly monotone voice, holding up both of his hands in surrender despite the obvious strain. His body looks absolutely wrecked now that he’s not even trying to look healthy -- what was the point? He was long overdue and the only reason he refused to die seemed to be because he still had things to do. “And I also made the first motive pudding because it was the last real treat I had and turned to despair when it turned nasty and led to abnormal side-effects.”

He waits for someone to challenge him. Whether it’s because his confession had been too insincere, or worse they actually believed him and didn’t know what to respond to that with, Neo sighs. “Obviously, it’s not that simple. And pressuring people into giving up what they won’t or even can’t admit will just end the same. The problem with having our memories wiped is that there’s a chance one of us was responsible and doesn’t even know it -- and aside from Eva-san who can’t possibly be the mastermind anyways... I think... all four of us happen to fall into the neat little category of having loved ones who didn’t make it on board... or no loved ones alive to speak of.” Depressing at it is, that’s the unfortunate truth.

“So instead of going around beating people up, let’s get back to the discussion. Besides, I’d prefer to die in a little less pain, not that I would really be able to tell the difference.” Neo coughs loudly, wiping away his palm on his trousers despite the telltale stickiness and what it meant. “Shinobu-niisan, what the robots said:”

“Well, I think it’s about time that we let you tadpoles in on a little secret. We’re not the worst. Far from it, kero!”

“Us Bots can’t do much without orders from a higher-up!”

“Yes! Yes! Yes! There’s a liar among you cute, little tadpoles. One of you has been pulling the strings behind the scenes all along: a Mastermind.”

“Some of you have even already spoken to them with their pretenses stripped away! Through me, of course. if you had an appointment with me, you’ve probably spoken to them.”

Taking a laboured breath to steady himself, Neo leans against his podium as he continues onwards. “Speech patterns aside, that is word-for-word what FrogBot said about the traitor within the class during the end of the third trial. At the time, we’d assumed they had to have been one of us, but now that we know the class isn’t as small as the eighteen we... started with, that opens up new possibilities. And... And it also connects something else that’s... bugged me, ever since they, that is to say, FrogBot, came to me with an offer they thought I couldn’t refuse.”

“Have you ever wondered, Enjou-kun, whether it was possible to bring a mind into a new body?”

“If you could place her memories into a living, healthy body on this ship, and you couldn’t use yourself, who would you trade to have her back? What would you give to have her whole?”

“You don’t know anything about loss. You lost a girl you only knew for a few months, kero. Your pain? It doesn’t compare to what I’ve been through.”

“But you’re so selfish, thinking about Nonoka. So, so selfish...”

“At the time. I thought they were just taunting me. I wouldn’t have accepted, if it was the first question that came to mind -- aside from the fact that it wouldn’t be the same Nonoka I’ve loved and still love, she wouldn’t want me to sacrifice you or your body for her.” He pauses. “But that doesn’t mean someone else needed to make that sacrifice in order to transfer minds. If they’re talking bio-synthetic transferal like I imagine they are, they could just as easily transfer a soul, a mind or however you wish to view the human conscience into the body of a robot. It’s just as simple to take part of our erased memories, or even the people who were erased from our memories, whether it be ourselves or someone else, and stick it in those bots so that they ended up that more familiar. That means we have four different possibilities to consider in light of everything Shinobu-niisan and Eva-san have found.” Neo holds up a finger, resting his elbow on the podium desk so he doesn’t have to exert more energy than is necessary. 

“The first, and still definite possibility, is that one of us is the Mastermind and they are fully aware of it. It could be Shinobu-niisan, though I highly doubt that given that they’re the only person left on this god-forsaken submersible I trust. While it’s shouldn’t be Eva-san, the fact that she doesn’t remember everything means that she falls into another category, but I’ll talk about that later. Three of us remain, and Suido-san,” he turns to look at the much taller boy next to him. “Suido-san would have a good reason to strike back: none of the files within the survivors contain Himawari-san’s name. Of course, I would like to hold out some measure of hope he’s alive, for his sake, but if it is a possibility then a possibility it stands. Neither Ishihara-san nor I have any close family to speak of or remember -- while we don’t have a strong motive, we also can’t be ruled out. Me especially, since those were, or rather are, my syringes. All of them are of the same kind that I use for clofarabine.”

He breathes, holding up a peace sign for ‘two’. “The second possibility is that the Mastermind is still one of us... but they’ve transferred everything about them that made them the mastermind onto FrogBot. Essentially, they’re the tomato in the metaphorical mirror: they don’t know they’re the mastermind, and we would still be speaking to them in the truth since they’re a part of FrogBot now. That means anyone of us could be them, including even Eva-san, but I don’t think this is the case because the way FrogBot has spoken implies the Mastermind was making conscious decisions about the game as it progressed. It’s not like the Bots were doing everything on their own, and if the Bots were an extension of their voice, then it implies that even now, they’re still taking orders from someone or acting with someone’s orders and conscience in mind. But I’m keeping it an open possibility until it’s proven not to be.”

Neo folds another finger up. “The third is that one of our deceased classmates has been the Mastermind and is acting from afar. A number of our friends also didn’t have their relatives boarding the vessels, so that brings to mind a number of people, and two stand out. The first is McCrae-san: we only knew him for just a couple of hours, and Eva-san has and will never have met him. She wouldn’t be able to vouch if that was the real McCrae-san who was stabbed -- it could’ve been someone posing as him, which would also explain why SpiderBot  had reacted and stabbed them, since he wasn’t McCrae-san to start with. The other one is... is... Akira-neechan, since she’s the only other person whose death happened away from any one witness, but that brings up even more questions. Why would she allow Lotte-san to die, when she was the person who reminded her of Jean, who’s probably dead if the rostered guests are anything to go by? Why would she have attacked SpiderBot when she could have had FrogBot kill them like they did two weeks ago? Why lose her temper if she was already in the process of watching the rest of us die, since that appears to be their goal? And if the body in... in the aftermath was a duplicate, because it wasn’t and Shinobu-niisan can vouch it’s... it’s her, then what was the point of allowing herself to be killed? It doesn’t make any logical sense... and she wouldn't lie to Shinobu-niisan or me, not after how hurt she was that... I lied to her face about me being sick...”

He takes a long breath, reaching the dizzying conclusion on his long theory.

“The last possibility, and the one I’m starting to believe in is truer by the second, is that the Mastermind is one of the classmates we never met. The ones in the class photo and roster that didn’t make it to the eighteen. That because of a surprise attack on us, they turned vengeful and wanted us to suffer like they did. Because Shinobu-niisan cleaned up those logs, I’m starting to see similarities in the speech patterns there and the affectations from any of the three robots -- besides, it would also explain why they claim to have felt loss on board even if they’ve supposedly only been AI. The people in that chatlog were working for a common goal, all of them speaking to each other like they knew each other for longer than we have right now. Chelbamy comes to mind, obviously, but there’s also their friends, who pop up again in the second log. Losing any one of them would hurt the others, and having to watch the rest of us get along while they’re reminded that their own friends died in whatever the hell happened to wipe our memories of what happened in here? That could drive anyone mad...”

He glances downwards. “It would also explain the purpose of that macabre chair downstairs in the pod room: could the helmet-like contraption be a transference or memory-modification device? But to continue, it would also explain the other rooms on the third floor, the ones that didn’t seem like they had been touched or lived in despite all the luggage still remaining. Along with how we got the trivia question of how many SHSLs were on board wrong. There’s enough evidence scattered around to suggest Eva-san isn’t the only member of our classmates who’s coasted to this very mastermind trial, which no amount of threatening will coerce them into talking since they aren’t even here.” Neo groans, placing his head against the cold wood. Earth, please swallow him now, this was too much. “What’s stopping them from making our situation hopeless and forcing us to bank on a slim chance like everything else in this ship? Who’s to say they even want to let us leave or live? Don’t they want us to die, or did the plan change while I wasn’t looking because I was grieving the people who should’ve been here to help us make sense of all of this?”

[gunnerpalace]

Welcome to Bleach Rarepair Hell

To paraphrase:

Quark: ... I want you to try something for me. Take a read of this. Garak: What is it? Quark: A literary concept. It's called a rarepair. Garak: I don't know— Quark: Come on. Aren't you just a little bit curious? Garak: Hnhh... ugh... Quark: What do you think? Garak: It's vile! Quark: I know. It's so bubbly, and cloying, and happy. Garak: ... Just like my OTP. Quark: But you know what's really frightening? If you read enough of it, you begin to like it. Garak: ... It's insidious. Quark: Just like your OTP.

So, I’ve recently approached several people individually about Rarepair Hell’s collection of materials. (Yes, Rarepair Hell is also a place; there’s a chat.) But, I figure I’ve gotten a fair number of new followers lately who don’t have the time to go trawling back through old material, and that means it’s time to go on yet another advertising drive! Now if you’re new, you might be wondering what this is all about.

Put simply, below is everything publicly released that I know of that I or someone in the chat with has put out for one of our rarepairs. These tend to be obscure or heavily underrepresented ships that, in general, we’ve fallen for.

Why not have a look? You might be surprised. Italics denote actual fics, whereas their lack denotes fan art or other documents

Kūkaku-Byakuya - KuuKuya / ”Sakura Fireworks”

KuuKuya is one of the rarest of rarepairs. Between FFN and AO3 there’s something like two fanfics and one drabble for them—the fics are almost a decade old, and the drabble involves teen Byakuya. Google reports exactly four pieces of fan art of them from some age long past, of which I’d show you one. When I took over the ship, I decided KuuKuya sounded better than ByaKuu or ByaKaku or whatever, and here we are. Most of these fics (mine, at least) take place in the canon-divergent continuity of Demons of the Sun and Moon, which is why certain details are the way they are (for example: Kūkaku has both arms again).

The KuuKuya Prototype - The small collection of paragraphs that started it all (that is to say, both KuuKuya and Rarepair Hell itself). This was originally a proof of concept, and like the post explains, doesn’t really fit into anything that came after.

KuuKuya Headcanons - A set of headcanons I put together after writing the three fics below, as well as some other material. This lays out just a few of the reasons I think the pair work so well together, as well as some cute scenarios.

Ratio Decidendi - The first proper KuuKuya fic. It’s rather short and to the point. (Original, unedited version here. Bless you, Anon, whoever you were.) @sequencefairy shortly summed it up with: “Byakuya takes Kuukaku to a function. It goes about as well as you would expect. This fic is funny and sweet and a great example of someone who gets character.”

Terra Nullius (NSFW) - The first proper piece of KuuKuya smut, following after the above. (Original, unedited version here.) This is where everything went to hell. @sequencefairy summed this up with “This one… hooooo, this one is not safe for work. I mean, I read it at work, but I would not recommend that other people do that. Again with the spot-on characterization, and I just really always love how clear and immediate the writing is in any of Dux’s fic, and this is no exception.” This fic has caused no end of wild happenings.

Para Bellum (NSFW) - A follow-up to the above. (Original, unedited version here.) @sequencefairy summed this up with “Now, I am super biased about this fic, because I got to watch it come together over the course of a few days, because Dux leaves me presents in our skype chat (it’s really the best thing ever - always leave your friends porn for them to find when they get home from work) and well, I mean, he’s absolutely nailed their dynamic, and I am stinking jealous of how well he captures Byakuya - I can literally hear the man speaking as I’m reading this fic. Also it’s a sparring session that is foreplay that leads to really excellent smut and that’s really all you need to know about it before reading.”

Interstice Gray - An intimate, hazy piece of fluff set some indeterminate time after the above.

Next to Every Great Man is... - Written as a birthday present, much in the mold of the above, highlighting their familiarity with and understanding of one another.

Cozy (@sequencefairy) - A lovely piece of winter-themed fluff, I actually received a hardcopy of this along with a Christmas card!

Untitled KuuKuya Piece (@sequencefairy) - Kūkaku and Byakuya don’t always see eye-to-eye and enjoy a charmed existence, but even when they disagree, you can sense the crackling heat!

Pinterest Board (@sequencefairy, NSFW) - If you ever wanted a mood board for these two, there’s already a pretty great one.

Discussion Chatlog (with @sequencefairy​, NSFW) - A rare exception to not posting chatlogs, this is mostly theorycrafting about KuuKuya, although IchiRuki, UraYoru, and TatsuIshi (see below) also appear.

Yoruichi-Ichigo-Rukia - YoruIchiRuki / ”Neapolitan Ice Cream”

YIR is an AU OT3 that happened purely by accident. The core component, Grounded!, was originally intended to be something of a one-shot sex-comedy whereby Ichigo and Rukia meet not (supposedly) because of the machinations of Kisuke and Aizen, but rather the whimsy of Yoruichi. It then turned out that everyone reading it fell for their interactions. Ichigo and Rukia have always had this cosmic air about them, but we discovered that Rukia and Yoruichi are oceanic, and Ichigo and Yoruichi are tectonic; together, they’re everything from incredibly sweet, to hilarious, to ridiculously sexy.

Grounded! - A Bleach AU Idea Revised - The latest and greatest revision of the concept for Grounded!, this is both a design document and also contains significant portions of the actual fic, which is still being written. It’ll orient you to the setting and happenings of the AU, and hopefully interest you in the interplay that gets spun out as a result!

Planet-Side Spin (@sequencefairy) - Written as a companion-piece and sort-of-prequel to the below, this largely focuses upon Ichigo some six or so months after the events of the above. (Original here.) The tagline sums it up well: “Ichigo misses them like breathing.”

Up All Night to the Sun - Occurring at the end of Ichigo’s trip, Yoruichi and Rukia miss him quite a lot too. (Original here.) Purely fluff.

We’re Dancin’ All Alone (YoruIchi, NSFW) - Yoruichi, Ichigo, and Rukia don’t always wind up together at the same time, but they manage as best they can in other settings. One of the odd things about adding a third partner is you more than quadruple the work (you go from one pair to three pairs and the triad!); one of the joys is finding that all of those combinations have their own interesting and interrelated ways of working.

Heaven in Hiding (@sequencefairy, NSFW) - A very recent entry, with a delightfully sultry atmosphere. 

Fan Art for Grounded! (@gabecebro) A wonderful birthday gift that really sums up the premise of Grounded! as a whole.

Tatsuki-Uryū - TatsuIshi / ”Double Dragon”

TatsuIshi began (for me) as a mashup of TatsuHime and IshiHime into TatsuHimeIshi, and then became its own thought experiment. The least explored of the three rarepairs, it nonetheless has its own particular charms.

Untitled TatsuIshi Piece (Semi-NSFW) - Originally put together to briefly postulate a reason they could even occur, this also shows off some of the fireworks the fly when you put the two of them together.

TatsuIshi Headcanons - Made after the above to further illustrate the point. Much like the KuuKuya Headcanons, this is meant to lay out an idea of how they might behave and interact, along with a few scenarios.

Untitled TatsuIshi Piece (@sequencefairy, NSFW) - I told you about the fireworks? This is like a really great New Year’s bash.

Fan Art for TatsuIshi Headcanons (@mags-duranb) - This was the first piece of fan art I ever received for a piece of fic, and it illustrates one of the standout ideas of the headcanons post wonderfully!

General Fan Art (@mags-duranb) - We were by no means the first people to think of TatsuIshi, of course, and there’s some more lovely art for them here!

There’s much more material that isn’t on this list because it either doesn’t exist in an easily presentable form yet (which is to say, it’s mostly just chatlogs) or is unfinished. This includes everything from one-shots to companion-pieces, and even an AU of an AU featuring YoruIchiRuki in place of the cast of Samurai Champloo (with Yoruichi as Jin, Ichigo as Mugen, and Rukia as Fuu):

Yoruichi: How ironic that Ichigo is symbolized by a cock. Ichigo: I could say the same about you being a fish. Yoruichi: Are you insulting my hygiene, you bastard? I don't recall you complaining about it last night when you had your head down there for an hour. Rukia: Shut up, both of you! How could I possibly be expected to eat all that food? It's ridiculous!

Anyway, there you have it. I hope that you found something on this list that piqued your interest. If you did, I and others are around to chat with about it! Don’t be afraid to join the conversation. Or, to put it another way:

[noonmutter]

(Re)introductions

(Modified chatlogs ahoy!)

Coming home to the smell of dinner is not at all a rare circumstance for Pin, but that dinner being burgers is. Much easier to make than he'd originally thought, and nice 'n quick!

Her weariness lifted as she approached the house the aroma of cooked meats wafting through the entry hall. She would always be grateful that she'd fallen in love with such a thoughtful man. Opening the door, she put her things on the hall table and called out. "Hey! I’m home!" He probably didn’t need the call but she liked to give it anyway.

She may be startled to notice one of his delivery boxes--the good insulated kind--next to the hall table, closed but not clasped. "'Ey! 'Ope yer 'ungry."

"Always, love." She considers taking a look, but shrugs instead, walking to the kitchen. "Sending something out?"

Rather than setting the table, he's in the middle of assembling a couple burgers onto buns with all the fixin's already included, and from there, placing them onto a small serving tray that fits comfortably into those boxes. There are already three burgers on it. "I was actually 'opin' t'take y'somewhere."

"Oh, feeling a picnic? Been awhile since we did one of those." She gives him a smile, walking up to hug his leg with one arm. "Sure, let me get changed real quick?"

"Li'l bit dif'rent than th' standard, but yeah. Thought we could eat on th'way. Bring stuff y'kin walk in a while."

"Alright, will do." She was curious, but also eager to ditch her uniform. It took five minutes or so before she descended the stairs in some hiking gear, a brown button shirt, comfy pants, and her casual boots. She decided to wear a short sword in its scabbard as well, tied to her belt, just in case. "There we go, where're we headed?"

When she returns, he's crouched by the box, packing all but finished. Like her, he's wearing utilitarian gear, noticeably earthy in color compared to his standard, save for a sprig of lilac at his chest. "Been thinkin' about a few thin's. Loose threads, thin's undone. I...want y't'meet 'em. My fam'ly."

That took her a bit of time to absorb, at first, she thought Gilneas, but then remembered the day she took him to meet her parents. "Oh." She said quietly. "I’d... I’d be honored."

His smile is grateful, but also apologetic. "I wanted t' give y'time, but... well, me 'n' stallin'."

She smiles and shakes her head. "Hey, took me twelve years to bring someone to meet mine, so I can’t exactly judge."

"Thought y'might say somethin' like tha'. So. Wanna fly?"

She nods. "Yeah, be the dead of night if we walked."

He chuckles softly and hands her the strap on the box, then heads out into the street. He pulls the tie from his hair, shakes it out, and explodes into the form of the sandstone drake.

"That will never not impress me," she says with a chuckle, noticing a few passersby in the distance do a double take. She shakes her head at the silliness before mounting her fiancé, gripping the box tightly.

Resisting the impulse to startle people on purpose, Leon takes off into the evening sky toward the border of Duskwood and Stranglethorn. Given how long the trip is, even on the back of a dragon, it's a good bet the food was mostly for her. By the time the destination is apparent, he's already circling downward, but the graves aren't quite visible until he's actually touched the ground. Once Pin (and the box) is safely off his back, he returns to his correct body, and holds out his hand.

It's a secluded clearing at the base of a single, massive tree, and the ground near the two grave markers is so covered in lilacs that the markers themselves are nearly hidden. He makes a bit of a face when he realizes how out of hand the flowers have gotten. "...need t'clean up again, soon."

It was a lovely flight, with a quite lovely in flight meal. She actually had a burger and a half before calling it quits, not wanting to tempt fate with air sickness. Letting him escort her, she takes the time to admire the spot. "Yeah, I should clean for my parents before... everything, myself."

Leon practically squares his shoulders before smiling again, and gently leads the way around the graves themselves. Once they're close enough for her to clearly make out the names and dates on the markers, he clears his throat.

"...Nothin' as... as ritualized as yours, love, but... but this's my mum 'n' dad. Mum, dad... this's my wife, Pin. ... Fiancée. But might as well be wife. Y'know."

She waves, actually looks sheepish, as if she were actually meeting them. "H-hello!" She starts, a flash of embarrassment at her voice cracking. "It’s nice to meet you both... Leon's told me a lot of lovely stories of you. You raised a fine son. I... love him, very much."

His hand drifts down to settle between her shoulders, neither pushing nor holding. "I like t'think y'both would've loved 'er, as good t'me as she's been."

"I try my best at least," she admits. "I hope I make a good wife for him, I think you have a lot to be proud of, he's... made a lot of people happy."

"Mostly with food, but that's what they taught me t'do." He smiles weakly at her, then looks back down to the piles of flowers. "...There's ugliness 'ere again. Dunno if it ever really stops. But I'm gonna go 'elp this time."

Pin frowns a little, but nods. "We are, yeah. I’m hopeful that the tide will be turned, maybe for good."

"...Me too." He's quiet for a moment before taking a short breath. "An' if it's not, well. There's... there's somewhere pretty t'go after."

She nods solemnly, looking at the graves. "I promised myself I wouldn’t try and second guess this... but you're sure about this, yes? This is what you want?"

"...fightin' is never what I want, Pin."

She hesitated. "But it’s better than staying behind? Being there, being able to know?"

Now he's looking at the graves again, specifically his mother's. It's a good bet that he's not actually seeing the wooden marker. "I wasn't there when they died." His voice doesn't break, but he does pause to inhale again immediately after saying the d-word. "If I 'ad been... I'd likely 'ave died with 'em."

She nods, slowly. "Yeah. I think you're right, wasn’t much that could have stopped that."

"It's tha' bit that makes it all th'arder t'accept that they're gone." One hand comes up to rub at his good eye. "I couldn't've done anythin' t'stop it."

Pin looks drained, looking down at the dirt. She picks at blades of grass as she speaks. "My parents were in the vents when the bomb went off. They made it out, mom was real sick during the travel, but we made it to Ironforge. Dad was becoming erratic, but we both tried our best to help her. I would read to her every night, until... it was just me and dad... he scared me, began to shiver in the day and ramble. One morning I woke up with a punch to the jaw, apparently he thought a trogg was wearing my skin, and he wanted to take it back. They took him away and I was alone."

After an initial, and horribly lame, "I didn't know," he can't think of anything to say, only kneeling next to her and wrapping his arms around her.

"I didn’t tell you. I... it felt wrong, like I would have been trying to compare our pain." She brings her knees up, resting her arms on them. "You're not me, Leon. And I... I’m concerned that I’m trying to make you more like me."

"You wanna 'elp me be brave, Pin."

She shakes her head, sighing. "I... maybe, but... cogs..."

"But?"

"You're coming because of me, aren't you? Because I’m scared." She looks up at him, with a timidity he's likely not seen in her before.

For once, he's actually looking her in the eye. There's the faintest hint of relief to his face, but mostly, he's just sad. Not pitying, not self-mocking, just...sad. "I said I'd give you anythin'."

Shame. She was completely ashamed, that wasn’t what she'd meant to do but...why had she said those things if not to push him? "I.... don’t think I’m a good person for you, Leon." She finally manages to say.

Well that wasn't what he was expecting to hear. His eye goes wide and perfectly circular, and after a second he rips off the patch to at least try to see her face through both eyes. "What?"

"The only thing you've done since we met is accept me, everything about me." She averts her eyes to the ground, unable to face him. "Am I even making you happy?”

“Pin…”

“All the things I’ve done to try to force... to change you?”

“Pin--“

“The stunt with your brother, and all the times I tried to get you to be a soldier?”

“Pin!”

“What is wrong with me?!"

"Stop. Stop!" He shifts from kneeling to crouching, both hands gripping her shoulders. "Pin, I've never been anythin' less than 'appy with you. Never. If we're about t'start tallyin' up fuckups, I'm pretty damn sure I've done more than you an' you've still forgiven me.

"I've tried t' change you. An' I did. Y'do realize tha'?"

Blinking back tears, she looks up at him. "How? You've always supported who I am, what I do..."

"D'you still look at yerself in th'mirror an' think about 'ow much prettier you'd be if you were three feet taller?"

It takes her a little while to digest that, if for nothing else but to calm down. Her heart was beating so fast. "Leon, that’s... different."

"'Ow is it dif'rent? I saw it, you 'ated it about you, an' I've been tryin' t'show you th'way."

She looks over at the gravestones, guilt in her eyes. "Could you look at the graves of my parents and tell them that you used your worry and fear to convince me to quit being a soldier, even though it’s not what I wanted?"

"I could if it's what I thought was actually wanted, b'cause my wife never said 'no.' I'm... Pin, I'm...you're so much stronger than me. In ev'ry possible way. It... it 'urts a little knowin' I can't protect you. I can't even watch you."

"I’m a fraud, Leon."

"Th'fuck you are. I've seen every part o' you, lit'ral an' fig'rative."

"You've seen the brave front I put on to convince people I have any idea what I’m doing. I’ve stumbled into my entire life, given opportunities I never earned, I’m not even all that smart, just been winging it with things I picked up." She sighs, " I don't deserve it, any of it, certainly not you."

"Pin, 'ow kin you possibly think you're not smart?"

"I didn’t even get to finish school before they kicked me out. I wasn’t good enough, and now? A four-month stint at an officer academy and I pretend to have the authority to make these calls that could kill everyone I care about?"

"Alynore dumber than you, then? 'Ow about Wes? 'Arrigan?"

"That’s what I’m saying, they should be making these calls."

"That's not what I asked you, Pin. If you're not smart, but they've been trustin' you--an' survivin' by what you tell 'em I might add--tha' means they're not as smart as you. Are you gonna tell me Alynore, Wes, 'Arrigan, an' ev'ry Dragoon that's ever listened t'you is dumber than you?"

"I.... I don’t know."

"Am I dumber than you?"

Pin looks completely out of her element, both ashamed to be acting in this way in front of him and for the choices she'd made. "No... but... I don’t think I’m what you think I am."

"I think you're a scared li'l girl 'o 'ad t'grow up b'fore she was ready, lost too much too soon, an' stumbled 'er way exactly where she needed t'be. An' instead o' runnin' from it, ran with it. Am I wrong yet?"

"... Maybe. It’s still running, though."

"Runnin' is only bad fer people 'o 'ave nothin' t'run to. Nothin' t'save." He sets a hand on his chest. "I did five years o' that kind o' runnin'. Five years o' runnin' away, while you were figurin' out what bein' a hero actually is."

"I... found out that wasn’t me, and I found peace with that for a while. Be content doing what I could, just trying to be a good person." She looks up at him again. "I’m not sure that's me either."

"Nobody else seems t'be with y'on that'un, 'ellcat. If I r'member right, 'Arrigan was th'one 'o said y'became one in spite o' yerself."

She sighs, leaning back against him. "Right now the only thing I feel confident about being is a massive pile of... " She looks at the gravestones, "Someone who doesn’t deserve you."

"...Pin, we were ranchers. We were cursin' as soon as th'sun came up."

She actually smirks a bit at that. "Fine, I’m a real piece of shit."

He kisses the top of her head. "D'y'know, Terry's smarter than me?"

"How so?"

"'E just is. Always was. Lazy, but smart. Y'know, lazy people work 'arder than th'workers just t'keep bein' lazy, that kinda thin'.

"'E was th' talker, th' back-row ringleader, th' quick learner. If 'e'd ever wanted to, 'e coulda run circles 'round most people. Prolly run thin's, if there were still somethin' t'run."

"Yeah, he's got a knack for analysis. Actually was thinking if bringing him into tactics, even though it’d be awkward. That being said he's pretty dumb when it comes to people."

"That's where I was 'eaded, yeah. See, 'e's really smart. But 'e's blind. 'E's arrogant. It's worse nowadays, which only makes sense. 'E doesn't..." Leon's hands make a slow, circling, grasping motion as he struggles to find the right words. "...There's a point where y'get so smart that it just doesn't occur t'you what's a smart-people thin' an' what's not. An' 'e's proud, so 'e gets mad about it, an' that's where it all goes t'shit.

"I'm... I'm better at people than 'e is. I'll never be that good a judge o' character, maybe, but I understand. An' I like t'think I kin fix a lot o' what's broken, when people'll let me."

"I’ve seen you do it, yeah. Like the kid you hired."

"Or this gnome girl 'o'd only just recovered from somethin' tha' nearly killed 'er, an' really needed a box o' candy."

He squints at his hands. "...Or were they cupcakes? Somethin'."

"Pastries. They were raspberry. I ate the whole box in one sitting. First thing I got to eat that wasn’t in a tube. I was so delighted."

Leon nods. "Right. I r'member agonizin' over spellin' yer name fer a solid twenny minutes."

She smirks, "that stupid e. It should be there, but now the actual correct word looks odd to me."

He chuckles softly and squeezes her around the shoulders for a second. "Anyway... Th'only reason you'n'me are you'n'me? It's not cuz I sent y'food. I send ev'rybody food. I din't even know you, I just knew this person ev'ryone I knew liked was 'urtin', an' that food usually 'elps. 'Specially after a long stint with medical food.

"You'n'me are you'n'me because o' you."

She takes a series of deep, deep breaths. Closing her eyes, just like he taught her the other day. When she's finished her body has visibly relaxed. "Crow, I’m not brave, not really. Or maybe it’s just that I’m cowardly about different things."

"I don't fear the battlefield, and... I’m not afraid of death, which... I’m sorry for, it’s going to add a lot of fear and worry into your life. I’m afraid of letting others down, of failure. And... you saw today that I’m afraid that somehow, all that I’ve done is just one grandiose trick, on the verge of being exposed."

"Nobody's brave. Brave people die young an' stupidly. You oughta know tha' better'n' anybody, Major."

She nods. "Yeah, but that didn’t stop me from manipulating you. I thought... it would help us, but that’s just an excuse. Especially because... you're not some actor in my story, there to make me look good and mirror my choices. You're a good man, and I love you, exactly as you are."

"Pin... I love you an' I'll never let you forget tha', so keep that in mind when I tell you: Don't lie t'me. There are thin's about me tha'... tha' need t'change. They do. I've 'urt you before an' I will again, unless that 'appens."

She sighs. "I’m no good at this."

"You wanna say th'right thin' a lot, Pin."

"I do."

"So tell me somethin' without runnin' it through th' filter. Tell me why y'want me with you. Why y'really do."

She sighs, "I thought it would be good for us. The reports about the Nightmare and you looked promising, and I was feeling guilt about leaving to fight again with how much you worry. You seemed really proud of yourself when you joined the Dreamweavers for your valor. I... also... there's a lot of couples I know that fight together, probably my most inconsiderate motivation.

"And I am feeling the pressure. I’m scared that this operation will fail, and what that means."

"I was. I am. Sort of. Proud, I mean." He sprawls abruptly out into the grass with a quiet grunt on impact. "...When I came out 'ere t'lay dad's marker down, I told 'im two thin's. That I wanted t'be th'kinda 'usband 'e was t' mum, an' that I'm...not okay with me.

"I... when I first found 'em all in, in Dusk'aven... 'e was on top o' mum. 'E'd died tryin' t'save 'er life.

"I've got images in my 'ead, grand ones, some less grand. I thought, 'You protect your wife, that's what you're for.'"

She nods, "I lived a good chunk of my life on grand images in my head. Still am struggling with them, it would seem." She places a hand in his. "I probably haven’t been an easy person to be in love with for that."

"Nothin's been easier fer me than tha', Pin, an' yes I know 'ow corny tha' sounded."

"I fucking love corny, I’m sure you know by now."

He smirks. "Corncob Peppercog."

She chuckles, "But... yeah, let’s be honest. We... both aren't quite done growing up yet, and it’s caused problems, we've hurt each other."

"Not quite s'bad as we've 'urt ourselves, I think." He curls his fingers around her hand, lifting it (and sitting up) enough to kiss once. "You can't tell me a lie about yerself that's greater than th'ones I tell m'self about you ev'ry day. It's not your fault."

"I... can accept that." She says, with a bit of conviction in her words, "But we're gonna have to check for each other, in that. I think... we've been trying to weather a lot for each other's sake."

"Maybe." His thumb brushes across her palm a few times. "Plenty o' time t'see what's real on th'shore."

She looks a little baffled. "Wait, what?"

"I want t'go. I want t'go." He looks down at her, clearly afraid, but earnest. "...Rhis asked me why I was goin', an' all I could say was that you needed me. An' y'do still. But I need t'see you. Really see you."

She looks at him right in the eyes, searchingly, and then nods. "Alright then. We won’t exactly be wading through the demon hordes, not unless everything goes to shit, which it might, and since this is a siege we won’t be on the front all the time. So... well. There'll be time to talk, make sure it continues to be what you want. And there won’t be a shred of judgement from me if you don’t."

He lifts her up a little bit so he can kiss her forehead, then sets her back down and rubs at the back of his neck. "Y'should know... I... th' times I've called you? T'ask if yer okay? Those're... they were only th'worst times. No matter where we are, I'll be worried. That's not gonna change."

"I know, love. And I am sorry." He is at least succeeding in relaxing her, plenty of tension there.

"Not why I told y'tha'." He runs a hand delicately through her hair, rather than whatever he ends up doing when his hand sits on his neck too long. "If I'm gonna worry, I'm gonna be able t'do somethin' about it. I won't...can't...be th' at-yer-side badass I know y'prolly dream of, but I kin be somewhere be'ind y', pickin' off th' fucks that'd run y'through once you're done cleanin' 'ouse."

"Actually from a tactical standpoint I’m going to insist you do, that’s your strength, and no less necessary than us metal buckets with arms and legs." Pin melds into her analytical voice just as readily as ever, even despite the dramatic reaction before. She actually looks a little pleasantly surprised at that.

He smirks a bit and snaps off a very half-assed salute. "Yes'm." After a bit of a pause, his bravado—false though it is—fades, and he looks down at his hands. “I survived in Tanaan. Me 'n' Kaewynn ran bounties tha' way. I... I kin do this."

She nods, "I don’t think there's anything out there worse than what was in the Nightmare. Just different."

"I spose I'll find out, hey?" It's a weak attempt, but it's an attempt.

"Just remember, this is your choice, and if you need to make a different choice, you'll still have my respect. Think you've got my love to the bitter end by now too."

He starts to say something probably corny and falsely certain, but rethinks it given their conversation, and closes his eyes. "I'll try t'remember tha'."

Pin takes a glance over at the gravestones, and unsuccessfully stifles a chuckle, which grows into a laugh. "Cogs, this is just the worst first impression, isn’t it?"

Smiling and finally laughing, he sprawls in the grass again. "Prolly better'n y'think. Like I said, we're ranchers, hey?"

She scoots over to lie next to him. "Thanks, for everything."

"I love you, Corncob."

"I’ve created a monster." She groans, but can’t help but morph it into a laugh.

"If it works, it works."

( @pinpep, @rhiswyn @shckaewynn for mentions)

[howlsmooingcastle]

importumpt anouncemenk

I feel like for the first time in ten years, I can breathe again. It’s like there’s color in my world again and I can do what I want again.

About a week and a half ago, I had the most important realization of my life no memes. I’ve been imbalanced and confused and frustrated and closed off for a very long time, and I haven’t been able to admit it to myself, and I finally understand why: I’ve harbored an irrational fear of abandonment for about a decade. I’ve been scared of opening up to people or acting too out of line because I’m afraid that people will decide to leave me. A number of insecurities have sprouted from that fear over the years and have led me to inadvertently hurt some of those around me. I feel better now, but I only wish I could have understood myself better before and saved those around me the trouble and stress. I want to apologize.

This is where it starts:

About eight years ago in middle school, I had these two friends, ‘A’ and ‘M’. These two friends were without a doubt my best friends at the time; we literally did everything together. Every day was go to school and sit next to A and M and pass notes, go to lunch with A and M, recess with A and M, and then go home and play games with A and M. etc etc etc. I had known M for literally longer than I can remember. My parents and his were family friends and I would go over to his house literally every weekend. A was not far behind; I knew him since first grade and every game I’ve ever played, every lap I’ve swam in middle school club, he has been there with me.

In middle school, A and I liked the same girl, but he had known her for longer and they always made each other laugh, and she just looked so happy hanging out with him, so I let him know I wouldn’t get in the way and just backed off. What I didn’t realize was that he held onto his suspicion and destroyed my social life in order to protect himself.

Those years, one by one, my friends stopped talking to me; our graduating class size was like 50, so five people not talking to you was literally losing 10% of the people you could interact with. This happened til the point that the only people I thought I could trust as homies were A and M. I went through this uncomfortable phase in which I changed myself to be what I thought people wanted me to be, and that fakeness just made everyone feel more uncomfortable and further reinforced that I’m not someone worth talking to. On top of that, M hopped on board and began impersonating me on Facebook. He changed his name and profile picture to mine and started writing profanity on people’s walls. For a month I changed my name and profile picture, but he would follow me around and continue doing this because they both thought it was funny. I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t defend myself; I didn’t even realize how fucked up it was.

It wasn’t until we all graduated that I found out what had been happening. This one kid named ‘B’ who was angry with A somehow got a hold of A’s chatlogs for Google Talk and Facebook Messenger and compiled a text file of every mention of my name highlighted within the past year and a half. It was line after line of incessant shittalking.

“He only got into that high-school because his brother did”

“Ugh, this guy is over at my house again”

“He’s not even good at X, he just acts like he knows and gets lucky.“

“Tomorrow, won’t it be funny if we just don’t talk to C?“

It was incredibly heartbreaking; I feel like years of my life were stripped from me and I couldn’t trust anybody. I was betrayed by literally the two people I trusted for my entire life. Less so for M since I think he was just following along, but with A there was no excuse. I spent days just sitting trying to process what happened. I lost countless nights of sleep. I felt incredibly alone and like anyone I let too close to me might ruin me. I didn’t make any friends or join any social circles in high school because I was too traumatized. I only befriended a couple people. I made what I now understand to be excuses like ‘these people are super lame’ or ‘there’s hella drama in this group’ or whatever. All in the name of subconsciously hiding my fear of abandonment. It’s kind of pathetic now that I look at it; I can’t be abandoned if I don’t let anyone close enough to me, right?

I started getting really good at competitive games, and I dove headfirst into it. It was a community in which if you were good, you were impossible to abandon. It doesn’t matter if someone’s your friend or hates your guts; they’ll still play with or against you cause they want to win. It was a foolproof plan to never be alone again, but it only left me feeling kinda empty. I missed having an emotional connection, and the only people i had that with was my extended family. (My immediate family sucked and are a huge contribution to my insecurity, but I’ll omit it because this is already super long. I honestly cut highschool short too.)

It wasn’t until college that I finally mustered the courage to open up to people again. Specifically to this one girl who eventually I started dating. It was super fun for me and her for the longest time; we laughed hella and did a lot of stupid stuff, and I learned so much about myself and what I’ve missed out on, but I’ll skip ahead. I was dealing with some issues and she was dealing with some issues and we lost communication with each other. I was scared of admitting how depressed I was about my grandfather dying and my unlicensed sister getting in an accident this past year and I made excuses for myself because I’m afraid she would abandon me and run away.

“She used to be really depressed, and I don’t want to trigger her by bringing up all this despair and death”

“She already has hella problems she’s dealing with on top of her major, I don’t wanna add onto that.”

“She has problems with her sister being irresponsible too and she broke down telling me about it; I don’t want to see her cry like that one night”

“It’ll remind her of how she feels about her dad.“

I held it all in when I think I really should have opened the floodgates. My stress rendered me non-functional and I tried to keep it together. I really started projecting my insecurities upon her and started being a real weirdo. My grades started to fall and I started trying to be what I thought to be a ideal supportive boyfriend, but she saw through it and told me that I was being fake. I didn’t understand at the time and didn’t know what to do. All this pent up frustration and confusion from my unresolved social trauma, and family issues, and academic lack of direction manifested itself in the form of these negative quirks. I was inconsiderate, a shut-in, and bipolar, etc. She probably looked back on the relationship and thought I was only interested in her because she was pretty, and that really makes me sad.

So yeah, yadda yadda she broke up with me. I couldn’t put it in words, but I felt abandoned. I fought really hard to keep being friends with her, but it just came off as disingenuous and she didn’t want to be friends anymore. I didn’t want to feel abandoned by the one person I’d gotten close to in forever, so I kept fighting for it. I was absolutely wrong. Looking back I was a real creep and she was completely right to have broken up with me and stopped being friends with me and stopped talking to  me altogether. Not only was it for her own good, but for mine too. Even if it really hurts, I get why I didn’t go to Disneyland too. I really cared about her because she reminded me a lot about myself in terms of interests and issues, and I wanted to help her overcome her anxieties and for her to support me too, but my mental state rendered me a disingenuous turd. She is already incredibly wary of guys, and now despite my best intentions, I have become another guy who has let her down and added contributed her fears and anxiety. I only wish I could give her the apology she deserves; I really dropped the ball and fucked up big time. I know she will eventually confront and defeat her inner demons because she’s got the right mindset and is dedicated as fuck, but it would really take a load off me and hopefully her if I could just tell her how wrong I was and how sorry I am for projecting my fear and insecurity onto her. I don’t want to be one of the seven evil ex boyfriends that scott pilgrim has to defeat, but I now understand how stupid it is to try to convince her that I’m not, and I respect and understand why she won’t talk to me. Its totally justified. just wish that I lived in an alternate universe where I was able to demonstrate to her that I’m so much more than the thin veneer I put forward to other people and her. I can genuinely laugh and smile again.

I remember I started apologizing a lot at the end of that relationship and after we decided to be friends, and even in that letter that I left on her porch on Christmas. I knew I was doing something stupid and wrong, but I couldn’t quite figure out the identity of this problem that's been fucking me. It’s hidden itself within the cracks of my personality traits and has insulated itself with excuses and distractions for a long time, but I get it now. It’s stupid but I’ve felt abandoned for no good reason.

So yeah, I’m really really sorry M. Despite all the crappy feelings and distress I’ve felt, I’m really grateful to you because I’ve learned so much about myself because of the time I spent with you. I started listening to a lot of music that I missed out on, expanded my sense of humor, became comfortable with my sexuality, and now I can play guitar, and that barely scratches the surface. You’ve changed my life dude, and I hope you are happy and secure wherever you go.

It sounds like I’m sad from what I’ve been writing about, but to be honest I feel incredible. It’s great to admit that I’ve messed up, and there’s no sarcasm there. I don’t have to make excuses for myself anymore, and now that I finally grasp the issue that lies at the core of my insecurity, I can really work to undo the mess that it’s created for me for literally half my life and focus 100% on the things that I want to instead of dedicating 30% of my brain to feeling insecure and acting like a zombie because of it. It feels like I’ve been possessed for the longest time and I can finally in the driver’s seat of my life again. I can recognize now when I’m scared of being abandoned and sober up and tell myself how dumb that notion is. This past week and a half I’ve gotten the best sleep in forever, finished a song on guitar, finished a song on piano, drawn hella good art, payed my debts, and had a heart to heart with a lot of people I’d been meaning to for a long time but was too scared to.

A number of people have really helped me through this spot in my life; Ca,Cr, An, To, Ha. Really really love you guys and owe you so much for where I am now. It would have been in reason for you guys to look elsewhere for a friend because I was being inconsiderate, a shut-in, and all around wack, but you all stuck around for me. Each and every one of you is a tooth in the key that has finally fit into this lock, and I can’t thank you enough for your support. I’ve escaped the golden cage Cr.