#i was to hungover to make convo lol

[niikaido]

my brothers gf is coming with us to dinner tonight and i feel so bad for her having to meet my dad and my nan at the same time 😭 god save her

[thestobingirlie]

I really love your thoughts on Steve, Tommy, and Carol! What are your favorite headcanons about their friendship, and what would you love to see happen if Tommy and Carol came back for season 5?

okay!! favourite headcanons:

i mentioned this before but i love carol and steve being friends first. like, steve moved to hawkins when he was 8 (?) met carol and immediately became besties. gossiping about other classmates since ‘75 baby.

i think halloween was their favourite holiday. they’d dress in group costumes, they’d make it a competition to get the most candy, then eat as much as they could until they started feeling sick. as they got older and stopped trick or treating, they would still buy bucket loads of candy and gorge themselves on it the day after halloween (and just not go into school that day lmao. everyone assumed it was because they were hungover)

the hagan’s and the perkin’s were the first adults in hawkins to adopt little steve. people argue over hopper or the henderson’s. nope. it was tommy and carol’s parents, baby.

i like the headcanon that tommy created the term ‘king steve’, when steve broke the keg record, which is why he then named billy keg king in s2. for steve the name just kinda spread, the more popular crowd knowing it’s from keg king, and the more nerdy crowd just thinking he’s named himself king of the school or something.

i think the three of them weren’t popular in elementary school, but then in middle steve started shooting up, he’s on all the sports teams etc, and starts getting more attention from girls, and the whole thing just kinda goes from there. at first they’re all super glad about being popular, then as they start getting more and more popular, they all start to resent it in different ways. carol because she’s slutshamed, and then feels like she has to put other girls down to stay on top. steve, because he starts feeling like he has to perform a certain way, and hates the way he’s expected to act, and then tommy because everything just starts to deteriorate in their trio.

i also think the reason we’re told they’re super popular, but never actually see the three of them with a big group is because they’re just a little weird. like, everyone knows they prefer each other to everyone else, and they’re very close, and, like, share all their food and look at each other’s gross wounds and imitate each other’s sex noises to one another. so the whole school is kinda like… let’s just leave them to themselves lmao. like, they throw great parties, their gossip knowledge could destroy us, but i don’t want to hear carol and tommy recount their little tryst at the quarry lol.

and, i spoke about this in another ask, but to go into a little more detail. if i were to involve carol and tommy in s5, i’d have them at the relief centre in hawkins, they either didn’t go to college or came back for spring break or something. steve bumps into them and asks about their families, they’re with steve when some bullshit starts to happen and he has to save them in some way with his nail bat (!!!) and then they all have a little convo. tommy and carol admit how fucked up they were in high school, they have a couple little reminiscing moments. and it’s all cute!!

i’d just like to see more popular jocks not get torn about by a monster and recognise their wrongs like steve did. because even if they ended up dicks, steve was friends with them for a reason, so i don’t believe they’re all bad. and like steve, most of their worst moments only follow someone wronging them in some way. jonathan’s photos, nancy’s perceived cheating. they think they’re defending each other! in a totally fucked up way but still, i think there’s a chance for redemption.

[wof-reworked]

Thoughts on Thorn?

First off: sorry for the delay, this was sent to me during my drunk "send me opinions" moment but I only saw it when I woke up and was. very hungover and embarrassed lol. Will try to live up to the original idea tho (plus I am like 3 shots in so you did get your wish in the end !!)

ANYWAY. I really like Thorn. I wish we saw more of her being the leader of the Scorpion Den and what her actual life looks like bc rn it feels like she's become basically Sunny and Qibli's loving mom who all but shows up with cookies for them and their friends when she gets screentime. I think a lot of fandom oscillates between ignoring her and trying to pin some hypocrisy or villain arc on her bc she killed Preyhunter, which. btw. I do have an ancient draft about when I was rereading Sunny's book and taking semi-annotated notes. It's ruthless, but it's not the unwarranted murder people want it to be- she has no reason to trust the Nightwings and Preyhunter opens the convo being rude and challenging her. It's definitely there just as a fakeout to make you think Thorn is Bad News so the parent reveal is more shocking, but I think it shows a really cool and cunning side of her that I wish got more screentime.

Her and Stonemover are also one of my favorite side pairings in the series, not in that they could ever be together again but like. c'mon now. I'm a good sucker for a self made tragedy. I do genuinely believe they could've stayed together forever/become a truly happy couple if Stonemover didn't get in his own head and fall prey to the narrative about animuses and the Nightwing superiority complex. I find the way he describes her as "straight out of his favorite scrolls" as genuinely really romantic, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE m/f pairings where the girl is the headstrong, ruthless one and the boy is a flustered, hopeless romantic who wants to be her pet impress her and win her over. They have some really fun gender fuckery in their relationship and I think it's a missed opportunity to discuss wof's inverted gender roles, what with Queens being the standard. I like to hope they could (platonically) co-parent Sunny after some hard, necessary conversations, but Stonemover is really the big problem in that reconciliation because he's so stuck (ha) in his self-loathing and regret.

I think Thorn is a great side character, and I don't need her to be anything more than that. I would LOVE a winglet or smth like that about her time with Stonemover, but I feel like after the dynamic I've built in my head it would let me down. I think Stonemover should be a boygirl and just a little trans and Thorn should be a butch she/he lesbian but that's my own brand of interest.

tl;dr: that woman is so queer and so cool 2 me <3. I wish she wasn't shoehorned into a relationship w Smoulder since it feels like it was just added because Tui didn't want her "to be stuck as single forever" which is a lame way to approach a woman who absolutely did meet the love of her life and it just. didn't work out. I wish we let stories like that sit a little longer and showed her being happy with her found family of the Scorpion's Den pursuing casual relationships maybe but being happy with the life she's built that's filled with love from so many different places.

[vyla-and-the-pods]

Vyla's Sunday wrap-up!

Hello lovely people on my screen! I've been getting really into podcasts these last few weeks since finishing Wolf 359 and I am DYING to talk about them! This is my way to talk about what I've been listening to this week and dumping my thoughts since I do not have friends that listen to podcasts lol

Cry Havoc! Ask Questions Later (ep 14) (minor spoilers)

I'm a die-hard Cry Havoc! fan. It's one of the few podcasts I've caught within the first few episodes and it is quickly one I will jump to every time a new episode comes out. Who would've thought a workplace comedy set in ancient Rome would be so good! The humor is dry and mostly situational and works so well.

This episode had a bit more heart than Cry Havoc! has had before and it worked so well! Listening to Octavia and Charmian have a serious discussion that helped further their relationship beyond "ooh haha sexy morally grey lesbians" was really refreshing and nice to see such character growth within just a few episodes.

And the entire plague plot with Gaius and Mark was a great way to balance it out. I love Cry Havoc!'s style of humor. My only qualm is I couldn't find a transcript for this episode but I might've been looking in the wrong place.

Arden (eps 1-4)

GUYS I LOVE ARDEN SO MUCH!!!

This is also a Shakespeare inspired piece! Season 1 is inspired by Romeo and Juliet, which I realized embarrassingly late in, and the little R&J easter eggs I have been picking up are really cool and make me feel like I remembered something from 9th grade English haha.

I used to looove true crime podcasts but I got uncomfortable by how the hosts would discuss the killers and victims so Arden, as a fake true crime podcast, is a great middle ground! I heard season 3 is coming out soon so hopefully I can catch up in time! I love Bea and Brenda's banter and honestly the two just need to kiss or something, but I digress. The writers make this a really compelling story and even though only one aspect of the cold case is examined per episode I am hooked and not at all bored or frustrated when we divert to Bea and Brenda's side convos. I have listened to this when going to bed and gotten scared once or twice, and for a fake true crime podcast I consider that a win!

Wolf 359 (finale)

I don't have the word count to say everything I want to say about Wolf 359. If you know me you might have seen the post I made about finishing Wolf 359 this week and how it was just so world alterting for me because I've been listening to it on and off for about 8 years. It really is the end of an era. It didn't go down the way I thought it would and it was a very bittersweet ending. I feel like everything was tied up well but I do have some questions about Bob. I am going to miss Lovelace, and Eiffel and...everybody! Maybe not Kepler. Truly is an end of an era for me. I was podcast-hungover the whole day.

Stellar Firma (ep 1)

I gave the first episode of Stellar Frima a try, I'm a big Rusty Quill fan so I had high hopes but guys, I don't think this is for me. The pilot episode didn't click for me the way I thought it would and it just didn't seem my speed. What do you guys think about Stellar Firma? Should I give it another shot?

Malevolent (ep 6)

Malevolent is another show I'm trying to get into since everybody loves it but the pace just feels so slow to me right now. I know more overarching plot points develop later on so I'm willing to stick this one out. I like malevolent but it just feels like all the places and things they're doing right now are building toward something I'm not at yet and that's just frustrating.

Time:bombs (1 -3)

What better way to get me out of my Wolf 359 hangover than a podcast made by the Wolf 359 folks? This one came recommended to me by anon so thank you whoever you are! I listened to the entire podcast (3 episodes) in one day and loved it! I miss you Radio Bob. I hope you're doing well. Humor was elite but what else should I have expected from Gabriel Urbina? I loved the character development they were capable of in 3 episodes. I can see myself relistening to this soon!

The Kingmaker Histories (prologue....ep 0?)

another podcast I heard had a new season coming out soon. I don't know how I feel; about fantasy podcasts but I liked season 1 of The Two Princes so I have high hopes. I only listened to the prologue so far and haven't even met the MC so I don't have many opinions yet.

Liminal Criminals (ep 1)

I listened to the first episode twice. It was so funny. Few podcast make me actually laugh out loud. I interrupted my roommate making dinner to tell her about this because I kept laughing. The dry voice the narrator has while he explains the most ABSURD FAKE TRUE CRIME sold this for me. "Mr. Breadsticks stays. Mr. Breadsticks stays. I will kill you with a fork. Mr. Breadsticks stays." is my discord status and no one understands me. I hope the rest of these episodes are as funny.

Alright well that's my week! Thanks for dealing with my ramblings folks! Tell me your thoughts on these shows, what's worth it what's not? I'll be shitposting about some of these shows throughout the week, but we'll see what the Pod Gods hold. Til next week lovely people!

~Vyla

[catspinach]

sobriety reflection:

ive been completely sober for 4 months (make it 5 months if u dont count my brief christmas meltdown) though its been over a full year now since i realized that i needed to make a real change in my life. i stopped drinking for about a month before finally getting a job. at first I was able to go 2 or so months sober at a time before caving in, but there were scary periods where id be unable to stop for a month or so. sometimes id take shots before my shift, and a few times I've drank a full-size 700mL bottle of vodka in a span of 24hrs.

After binge drinking until i reached my absolute limit, I'd eventually get so hungover that i couldn't keep anything down and i wasn't able to slowly wean myself off of the alcohol. I'd suddenly stop drinking, eating, and sleeping, and to pass the time all i could do was pace around my little bedroom or throw up. nobody in my family knew how much i drank so i couldn't risk going downstairs, the tv was way too loud and bright, and i guess I'm simply unable to sit still when I'm not feeling well so I couldnt even sleep it off. when it got unbearable id attempt to meditate. that was probably the only thing that brought me any sort of peace.

My time drinking was spent bumming around alone, feeling depressed and extremely horny. when i was hungover I'd voice chat my (long distance) gf on fb messenger about how miserable i was, and how much i just wanted to die. then when i was feeling better id be unable to even look at our previous convo bc of the extreme guilt i felt. i cant imagine seeing someone i love going through such hell. having only me to bring them solace, yet not being able to help at all. It made me hate myself, which made me drink.

I went through another withdrawal phase and became aware that it was getting harder every time i tried sobering up. It really felt like I was on my deathbed, and I called everyone I could to try to get some sort of outpatient help, but they refused unless i did a month inpatient, and again my family didn't know. I was alone in this, very adamant about not going to AA. I was scared I'd run into someone I know and I heard it's not very effective for young alcoholics anyway. I drank on Christmas Eve a month later and threw up at grandma's on Christmas day. That was when I realized I had a choice to tell someone. That I had no excuse not to tell someone. So I called my sister in and I sat naked on the floor crying as i explained to her what was happening. We all left and she brought me to walgreens to get some Tums, promising not to tell anyone and offering me to stay at her place. which I declined lol fuck that

4 months later and i still get cravings often. i can stop myself from drinking now by reminding myself that tomorrow is a busy day at work, and by imagining it going down my throat. Now when so much as think about drinking I taste vomit.

The other day I almost snuck into my moms room for a shot before work, but stopped myself. I make $19/hr plus overtime, and I know that if i lose this job I won't be able to score one with matching pay. ive been practicing being kind to myself.

Lately I've been bumming again. sometimes life doesn't feel much different from how it did at my lowest– aside from feeling less nauseous now. i guess that's a start to bettering myself though.

[tomstanleyy]

happy 1st (belated) birthday sweetener!!!!!!🥺🤩can’t lie this fic is my main source of happiness so just wanna day a big fat thank you to miss @keepingupwiththeparkers for that! i feel like i’m like this fics..... godmother.....? or something like that i dunno, either way i’m definitely waaay to invested in this story but sometimes it be like that😌😌 anyway, i just wanted to say some of my fave bits and/or chapters bc i mean....... godmother duties✌🏼 (the fact i have fully claimed the title as godmother of a fan fiction is flashing neon-light sign that i am too invested but idgaf x)

the mood board is so hella sexy so that’s fun

speaking of sexy…... barista!tom in the first chapter HELLO KIND SIR

never have i ever, i mean just FUCK OFF? MAYBE? i dunno? go awaY? it’s just like there first like interaction that ISNT at the cafe and it’s so perfecto!!!!!!! him moving her out the way with his hand on her back MMMmMmmMmM and then the weird tention between them with the game OH AND when he thinks she there bc she wants to get with haz and he’s lowkey pissed off;) ugh DIVINE KATIE

lmao chance encounters, BOY!!!!!!!! his mini panic in the door way jsjsks and then like the whole viBeS i dunno!!!!!! cute!!!!! OMG and when he’s staring at her and harrison kicks him!! NOooooo!!!!! n then tom pouring his tea away just so he can see her for a minute….. the softest boy eva. it’s not up for debate

the one at the library is just like….. a classic😍 OK yano the selfie tom put on his story with messy hair and grumpy face? ya i wanna see that pls thank you. she brings him coffee and they watch MEMEZ!!!!!!!!!!! i die :( and then THEY HOLD PINKES FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!! N THEN THE LITTLEST CUTEST KISS EVER byeee byeeeeee

Wishful Thinking and Words of Wisdom… yo the convo between haz and tom in this chapter is so important to me lmaooo like there banta and shit just makes me so happy bc there not prick there just…… Dumb Boys u no? OOoohH and ofc his sex dream about her which NEEDS to be brought up again!!!!! and then him trying not to look at that little bit of skin where the blanket had ridden down and trying not to look at her pants when she moved her leg in the carrrrr!!! and the cheek kiss jsjsj!! just too good and too much crying to be done over it

The Snap is like as they said “what got it all going” lmaoooo OKAY can i just say the fact she didn’t fucking explode when he replyed with THAT photo and ‘gorgeous x’ is a miracle imo🤷‍♀️

aw omgggg Look At Me Now…… SO CUTE🥺 like it all flowed so well (so do the other chapters but this had like quite a lot of dialogue in it i think and it was just like …. smooth af) toms lol scene in the bathroom is so fucking funny to me bc i love he and his thought prosess lmao and then the Holding Hands Dilemma hahahahahah AND THE RUDE MAN WHO DIDNT SAY THANK YOU!!!! the thought of them in there little outfits walking up to the bus stop holding hands is…… too much. and then……….. the kiss…… just……. THE kiss. where he moves her hair and her lips r all sparkly and just it’s so perfect and i cry

okaY…….. Hoodie and Hormones…… they🥺 it’s just like them being all drunk and cute and when she walks up to him and he goes all 😍🤤 and his pals are all oiiiiiii lmao and there kiss at the bar 😰 nah😰 and at the end where he gives her his hoodie and like has his hand on her hip under it :(((( stop i cannot :((((

i mean………. the nineteenth hole….. katie katie KATIE!! you went HARD (so did he👀) firstly, the golf bit is so nice like them chatting away and him looking at her bum and her touching his bum oop and then like OMG him putting his hand on the headrest when he reverses lmaooooo heee!!!........ and then like…… my life changed forever🙃🙃bc i still havent recovered tbf…… there’s too much to say bc it’s all my fave part!!!! he was just so like reassuring and like safe but also like S E X Y lmaooo

awakenings….. she was a lowkey stressful one phahaha but also high key cute and sexyyyy like they wake up spooning (him squashing her) mand after weewees they have more snuggles and then…… he goes down on her and like she’s in her sexy little pj set and it’s all too much lol…… but then he suddenly HaS tO gO hOmE!!!! n then she sees Kim’s instagram and that he’s with her and DUN DUN DUN……. gonna have to wait a fucking month and a half to find out what happens🥰🥰 (i’m joking ily)

*longest month and a half of my life over* QUESTIONS AND ANWSERS!!!!!!!!! okay this was a cutie tho :((( he got his hair cut which was sad but also not bc FFH PRESS HAIR HELLO!!!! they have a little smooch and then he has boner and then she’s like NOPE HOW MANY PEOPLE WAS UR DICK IN BEFORE IT WAS IN ME HUH? but yh i do love he had a semi while they where having a deep chat lmaoo but ALSO his soft Boy was showing when he was talking about that weird date and she was playing with his hands 😭😭leave me alone. cya. OMG n then sexy times…… this was very GOOD sexy times bc it had been a while for them lol…… n then the pizza man came and then she feel asleep on him and then i stop so i can sob xxxxx

oooh deja vu!!!!!!! she was a long boy but a very good boy also, tom being a brave soul in the library lmao and then the smut was like Legendury lmao bc they went on the floor OOH and when she had already come like twice and he flipped her over like ME NOW PLS!!  it was just all in all a 100000/10 chapter rly

taste of freedom was when i feel like they got close close like THAT was when they knew they where gonna be like besties as well🥺like eating maccies in the car and then tom couldn’t come in bc he knew he would fall asleep and he had exams the next day. uwu. ooooop i loveee this smut lmao it’s just very good lol. the angles he be hitting at also where fun and spicey so ya OMG when he holds her legs down i just wanna screammmmnmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg and then they have a lil nap and a cuddle :((( which was just too far and too painful for me

good vibes and good times….. she was a vibe wasn’t she (literally not even a bit funny)...... but yh like she’s pm sat on him on the sofa which is all snuggley n then smooches with his hand like in her hair and then his FACE when he finds It polite cat mode lmaoo and then he’s being a little shit when he won’t give it back to her!!!!! n then when they meet at the club they have a big hug and then they eat chips togther and she can’t stop looking at the little devil horns in his hair lnao mood tho

hOKAYY falling, falling is a cracker bc i risked my life to fights for toms blow job lmao ur welcome boy x but yes very nice kt although the phone call at the end was a bit 👀👀but they’re cool it’s all cool

erm clarity was just offensive lmao like THE SMUT was just RUDE and i’m still SAD about it quite frankly 😌 tom being all sweaty when they have the Chat and him wheeling across the floor lmao but then like the smut and him going down on her YO AND THEN ‘can i smack ur arse’ IM NOW ONE WITH THE CLOUDS!!!!! CYA!!!! aw okay but then the shower smooches and his CURLY HAIR and at the end chilling and talking about rugby when she’s playing with his hair😭noooooooooo

omg ok i just reread trial and error and Okay u KnOw i adore sleepy tom 🥺🥺 hes just so babie!!!!! her saying to him ‘early night for you then’ get the fuck out of here!!!!!!! and then the HELLO KISS I CRY!!!!! n then obvs like …. THE WHOLE SMUT YES PLS!! especially him being so comforting when she’s like not sure AND later when he’s like i’m sorry i’m tired and hungover and she’s like it’s okayyyyyy! *sobs* n then somone comes home and tom is going to explode lmao and then he like collapses her and she’s like help i can’t breathe :( and then he spoons her and has a little sleep,,,,,, it’s safe to say i’m very upset

katie….. you know my thoughts on the match but i swear i will never shut up about it lmao i’m so sorry…….. everything is so uwu like snuggle in the morning and then the sweetest sexy times EVA and then tom wanting to be invisible when her and haz are talking lmao that still cracks me up…….. and then like i take a break so i can go to the bathroom and cry 😭😭 bc babie got a booboo!!!!!!!&!& but fr ‘she’s my girlfriend’ just made me wanna yeet of a bridge stg AND THEN THE WAITING ROOM SCENE!! OFC!!!!! HELP?!?! n then the forehead kiss and then 🥺😍😍🥺🥺🥺😍🥺😍🥺😍🥺😭😭😭😭😍🥺

[monolid-monologues]

this dream about you ruined my morning. LOL. (& how do you retell a dream? especially an embarrassing one?)

when: last night slash this morning. [that’s today, Thursday June 27th]

 it was one of those *you wake up and know you left an intense dream* *go back to sleep because this fucker of a dream needs an ending* 

i could almost call it a nightmare,  if based purely on the harrowing and very real physical toll it had on my body when i really got up from it. 

I re-woke to my second and Emergency alarm (that’s the “get the fuck up now bitch go straight to work do not pass go do not pick up an eyeshadow brush do not eat breakfast get your headass into the car and maybe you won't be viciously tardy”) and my ANKLES WERE LITERALLY SORE?? my head pounding something Awful. And like my chest. Felt such a bitch. Stiff, contracted, and dry. 

you ever been like HUNGOVER from a dream????

* * *

i don't want to call it a nightmare, though,  because it was about you.

And you were/are not a nightmare. lol.  You just...happened. and it passed.

What this is, Is: i had this dream about you, and i fucking hated it LOL

IT’S A FIRST. AND I NEED TO PROCESS IT . BECAUSE i dont get it. i don’t get why i had it. i am so caught off guard by it. i am scared of it. i am scared i even had A dream of you.

and i refuse to let it just bury inside me. i’m going to claw this thing out and take a good mfkin look at it.

OKAY. now that that’s established...

(ugh.... it feels like i’m about to embark into some bitter medicine.)

* * *

we ran into each other...in an apartment?

I was in the living room with my “friends” in the dream A.K.A obscure, obscure acquaintances whose faces i cannot place or recall. 

and like any good dream, out of the god damn blue, comes trawling through a pack of Your friends. or family. or both. and your own face hazily blurring by in the mix. headed thru the nearest hallway, towards one of the bedrooms.

I catch your brother's face (i never even met your brother before lmfao) most crystalline clear among them. and he is the one who stops to meet me as the rest shuffle away.

I immediately recognized him (from pictures. i'd seen pictures IRL), we strike introductions, and conversation. i remember saying "you're his brother!" and other incredibly facile but in that moment in that dream very genuine sentiments. but still we can cringe at how unrealistic and un-grounded in reality they were. things like " i always knew i'd like you" (what the fuck, right) and "wow why does it feel we’ve already met (what the fuck. LOL.) and if we CAN ignore the DELIRIOUSNESS of my REM concoction here, i'd like you to accept with suspension of belief that me and this stranger, me and your brother, did become - in this dream moment - effortlessly chummy. We became instinctively on each other's sides (it still sounds delirious. damn it.  Don't share your dreams willy-nilly, folks, it is not smart to expose your fucking dumbly vivid irrationales lol).

We were getting on like old fuckin friends, what the fuck can i say. It's the fictional truth. 

Then our convo gets to the Grit. The punch in the gut. he tells me you're here. in this apartment. of course i could’ve put that together but the confirmation is CONFIRMING. Palpable - the settling in of the fact that you and i were..both..here.

A many-voltage shock. and i only snap out of it, and the frozen moment only melts back to action when i feel you feel that same shock. And right away, i "hear"...or was it "see"?....your presence / energy dash out of the bedroom in which you and your group were in. And you lock yourself into the bathroom.

A collective "what the hell" is shared between me and my new-but-old dreamworld friend. your brother. We step past the bathroom you are now occupying. We enter the bedroom. I see the rest of your peoples.  Once again, Faceless peoples. i don't know that any of these were REAL peoples, any of your actual peoples in real life. Dreams! what're you gonna do? 

Me vs. your peoples, though. It starts as awkward. Your brother tries to smooth things.

I remember warmth starting to emerge. I'm sure I wanted warmth, and since it was my dream, probably i manipulated events to make it so. I am keeping that in mind about this dream from start to finish, by the way.  My brain manufactured all of this. Why? Fuck Me if i want to know. honestly.

But without knowing why, i still saw the What. (& this whole entire What gave me a serious kink in my neck this morning, like i never even know what a kink was until i got up and groaned.)

The What, at this point, after me and this room begin to warm up to each other: I mean, its only appropriate in such a dream that we land on the next Gut punch. The next revelation. (the brain sure knows who to TELL A STORY. DAMN.)

They tell me that..... FUCK, pause. Pause. PAUSE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ABOUT TO SAY THIS. WRITE THIS. ADMIT TO THIS. 

ugh how else can i say this without causing every internal organ in my body to cringe in unison and threaten whole bodily shutdown for the entirety of the time it takes for my parts to Un-Cringe themselves. i could die. 

i wish to die.

i won't die. let me continue. *deep breathe*

They tell me that you want me back. 

Oh my god i want to laugh and cry and barf at the same time - me in real life, me now - not me in the dream. Well maybe me in the dream. But speaking from the conscious VERY-NOT-ASLEEP P.O.V of my self at present, it really hurts to say that because...i dreamed that. I can't believe i dreamed a dream in which you say "you want me back".

I cringe because you, and me, might think oh, that's what she secretly wants.

No. It. Is. Not.  And i know this, but you can't, unless i tell you outright like this "I DON'T". and even then, because of this dream, i may be relinquishing my right to protest that contention. "Well clearly your deep inner psyche is saying different blah blah wah wah" says the PSEUDO-SCIENTIST IN US ALL. Whatever, that was exhausting, lol, i said what i said and i dreamed what i dreamed.

If you *are* *asking* *me*, i will tell you with incredibly clear eyes: no, i didn't dream you saying that because it was what i wanted. i don't know why i dreamed that, but how about i get to the end now, before we jump to more conclusions:

i hear that, and - what magically appears? A piece of paper, with old feelings written..no, scrawled.. all over it. There's blank space near the end.

There's a collective agreement that you are not coming out of the bathroom anytime soon. Is it a red flag to Dream Me that you are HIDING IN THE FKN BATHROOM? LOL NO. 

in fact i think Dream Me thought it was cute. "aw he's shy" rather than "what the fucking coward". 

Oooo. Was that harsh. and i oop--

I begin to write my "current" (quotes to remind you this IS THE RE-TELLING OF A DREAM, A NON-REALITY!!!) feelings. surprisingly, they were a smidgen closer to my actual feelings today, but still, it was a dream, and my REM brain is setting me up for some happy ending i think. So what do i write? I write something along the lines of "i don't want to be together but i did miss you and i do want to kiss you".

loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool throw tomatoes at me NOW.

MOVING ON: I remember the room is now crackling with hope, and optimism,  and your peoples are cooing "how cute" (which is hilarious in hindsight because this is not cute at all, it is very very weird)

and then the vibes get *~*~dramatic~*~ for a pinch: a confession from your brother: -this part i'm dead ass even as ludicrous and irrelevant as it seems-

he says to me: “i know he said i'm his brother, but i'm not. Actually, he's the brother. *points to a faceless figure* and i'm the good friend.” and it was like one of those soap opera revelation moments.  I don’t know why.

Why does this detail...?? matter??? appear??  Well let me add that, it was like...so familiar. this "uncovering" of a lie. REAL QUICK I'm not saying the man in question is a liar. that’s NOT it at all. I suspect the familiarity lied in my past experiences of feeling "not let in" or "held at a distance”. & I was doing my own damn lying, to myself. I was doing my own emotionally irresponsible business. /ending that there.

Point is, the "confession" was unnerving and it was almost like an omen. Like WHY Would you lie about something like that??? I couldn’t understand it!

But did i still want to leave this note?

And i, in the dream, did. still want to. So I give up the note to your peoples with intentions of it reaching you.

But of course, before i can leave, You come pummeling in.

I guess you were done with your really long shit or you were tired of hiding.

But the way you came in, i remember this motion picture vividly: you don’t greet me, you make a beeline straight past me, you insulate yourself behind your peoples, and your energy feels incredibly apprehensive. like you’re on Defense. Like someone’s come to attack you. Like what? And i’m so confused and so uneasy that i can’t wait to leave, without even wanting a word from you. This, the same person who wants me back they say? This, the same person who I called on for “a kiss” (UGHAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMAO!)

Your brother-turned-friend hands you the note. 

I see that you got it.

I see you paw it, and start to look at it.

I feel an edge of regret but i let it be. what i wrote reflected how i felt, i affirm with myself.

and i leave

but while walking out, i’m already reconsidering: "okay it reflected how i felt, before i personally contacted THAT energy, his energy, his avoidance, his marked apprehensiveness"

and i storm back 

when you were just about to dig into it

and i snatch it from your hands

but you held on and

in my determined snatching, i rip back the bottom half as you stare at me and shred the rest of it yourself. shred the half that remained in your hands into tiny ugly pieces.

like shrapnel, and it flutters around you, and your stare is intense, and intact, and i wonder if this was satisfying to you.

i burst out of that room, so angry, so fucking disturbed that you could've read something nice but i didn't want you to read something nice.

No, i was so dissatisfied by the non-greeting, the haphazard waltzing and pacing in the room for the brief moments we shared space,

i was vengeful

i tore the "something nice" before you could receive it.

And then I was horrified by the way you let the rest of it rip up in your hands and disappear like the rest of it (the part i'd taken back).

* * *

I got jumped by my own dream. HOW DID IT -- I--

I mean. What a load of Holy Hell.

And i still, resist, calling it a nightmare, because,

that's not accurate to how i actually remember you.

I remember you fondly.

and the most stressful part of when i look back at our time together

wasn't even you. 

i always, even at the low points, felt a really deep joy from being around you.

The most stressful part when i look back was who I was then.

From where i stand now, i look back and shake my head the most ferociously at who i was, how i was, and what i was missing. what i needed. what i wasn't making sure to get.

have i forgiven Myself? 

maybe that's why This Dream.

//////

AN AFTER THOUGHT: perhaps what is truly horrifying about this dream is 1) how childish it was. 2) why the fuck did i have a dream about you like @brain that was so uncalled for bruh 

////

Edit: An afterthought 24 hours later= My impulse was to recount this dream in detail. I belabored this account, everything i could possibly remember about it, in addition to belaboring that though this DOES seem significant, it DOES NOT mean i still have the same feelings for this mf. 

Now i am able to revisit it, in all its cringe detail glory. I have a lot more perspective on why this dream, and what it might mean to me. WOW the power of writing. 

[wanderthingo]

Weekend Adventurama

This weekend was pretty good and full of new experience.  On Friday, I got all mah ingredients bought up to make kimchi. I FUCKED IT UP! Probably too much garlic, cause I could smell that paste from miles away. It was bad, so today I had to throw it out. :( But trying it out was something new and once I try some store bought kimchi, I may be better prepared to make it on my own. 

Also on Friday, I went out on my first night on the town. I was hooking up with a girlfriend that I met in classes because it was her bday. :) We started out at a bar named Assembly, which was rather nice and quite chill, until the freshers came and sat right next to us, lol. We had a few there and moved on to a place called El something or other, I can’t remember but that place was PACKED! It was pretty fun though, I don’t mind close spaces. So after a few there, my friend and her bf were ready to call it a night. BUT I WAS NOT. So I made my way back to Assembly for some more drinks but ended up in an underground gay bar, talked to a drag queen who was magical. Got hit on by a guy who I assumed was gay but I guess not (ew) AND THEN went back to Assembly. After a sophisticated convo to some dudes about fisheries management in New Zealand and some talks to one of the dudes about missing our partners back home, I left. I don’t remember getting home, but when I woke up I was in my bed, safe and sound with all my ID and left over cash. All together it was a great night and I had a lot of fun.  Saturday was not as fun as I spent all day hungover, eating pizza and sleeping. It would have been fun if I was not hungover but such was not the case.  Sunday was my second adventure to the Wellington Farmers Market and I got a lot of cheap produce and it makes me feel good to contribute my money locally. I also had dinner at my international buddies house, it was some great vegan fettuccine Alfredo and I met another exchange student from Denmark who was also there. We had some great conversations and I hope to do it again next week.  Monday is sort of a weekend day for me as well because I don’t have any classes. Today was a study day, and I also volunteered for the first time at a place across the street called The Free Store. It is a volunteer based charity that redistributes food to local people that would otherwise be tossed by local cafes, caterers and restaurants. Had a great time with the partner I collected food with today and will continue to volunteer on Mondays.   

[growlegalweed-blog]

Legal Weed Resources

Check out... https://legalweed.gq/420/i-get-the-best-highs-heres-my-daily-lifestyle/

I get the best highs. Here’s my daily lifestyle.

First of all, I’m not writing this to brag or flex ‘my highs are better than yours’. I’m simply writing this so that if you’re experience less than desirable highs, perhaps you can mimic my lifestyle to simulate my high experiences. I usually smoke a vape pen but whether it’s flower via a pipe or bong, I always experience similar effects. I start to feel high after 2-3 good hits, and I get blasted once I’m on my 5th or so.

My highs are very desirable. I’ve taken coke and e in the past, and they pale in comparison compared to my weed highs. Music sounds infinitely better, I can have deep but often hilarious convos, and I get psychedelic visions when I’m really blasted. I’ve never had a bad trip and I’m always experiencing some out of this world high like I’m parachuting, running around like a wolf, etc. you get the idea. My highs last 3-4 hours. I never feel hungover or like shit the next day, I always wake up feeling good.

I’m a relatively causal smoker. I don’t need to smoke everyday nor do I feel inclined to. I wanted to start with this because I think it plays a huge role on my highs. If I smoked heavily then I think my tolerance would go up, therefore my highs are different and often times less desirable. I’d say routinely I smoke once a night but lately I’ve been looking for a job so I haven’t smoked in a while. If you smoke heavily and find yourself not enjoying your highs, perhaps you should take a break and see the effects. I already know once I start smoking again I’ll get blasted and experience my highs on a different level.

Next, I do exercise regularly and have a relatively clean diet. I don’t like junk food and mostly cook at home. I know a lot of us don’t have the luxury to cook at home due to work, kids, etc. but at least having a healthy diet plays a role on how ‘clean’ your highs are. This is all broscience and I have no facts to back this up, but I just receive better highs when I’m physically healthy. Plus, everything taste so good when your high. Why not eat healthy when you can? It’s a win-win in my opinion.

Last but not least, really try to let your imagination take over. I don’t enjoy stimulating activities, especially something like watching tv. I think this just ruins your brain to let it naturally take its course. On the flip side, I love listening to music. Anything really. I love listening to rap, trance, edm, reggae, you name it. Listening to the beat or lyrics makes your brain just visualize the scene, whether the content is about love, betrayal, etc. it’s just amazing how creative your brain can be under the influence. My best advice is not to overload or overpower your brain. Avoid things like tv, VR, using the computer, using your phone. I advise doing simple activities like reading, listening to music, taking walks (be safe lol).

Feel free to ask me any questions.

TL DR: Dont have a high tollarance and feel higher. Excersize and eat healthy. Let your imagination take over when high. Life changing.

submitted by /u/dakubeaner [link] [comments]

[flawedinthefantasy]

hellllloooo. so things have improved since my last few posts. everything smoothed over with my family. i was blessed with 2 interviews to med school on consecutive days. it happened so quickly and i was so happy..now it’s just the waiting game. i’ve been really positive about life lately. it’s been a week and 2 days without carbs and i’m down like 10 pounds. the weight loss seems a lot slower this time around but that’s quite alright. 

last night i made my weight goals list and there’s nothing i’d love more than to hit 207 or below by the end of august. that period of time marks 10 years since my freshman year of college where everything in my life went downhill. i weighed 207 when i left home for the first time and i felt like i was in the prime of my life. losing the 80 pounds i gained during my time in DC will symbolize the death of all of the bad times i’ve experienced in the last decade. i’m really hoping and praying for it to work out. luckily, i haven’t really had many urges for carbs and i do my best not to think about the foods i used to eat. i’d been binging so much during the last few weeks, it’s a relief to wake up and not feel bloated and hungover from carbs.

L and i have had a few light conversations lately. i just can’t let that dude go for some reason. but i don’t have any big plans or anything. at this point, i just see it all as what’s meant to be will be. once i give everything up to God, i know it’s handled. yeah the boredom and loneliness suck but i know it’s temporary. i would love to have sex right now but after the CG fiasco, i’m just..not ready. plus i’d like to lose more weight. 

i have a harmless little crush on one of the nurses at my job, hereby known as MWB. he’s married with 2 kids and 1 on the way...skinny, but really cute. he looks like a celebrity i really like. we’ve been friendly but over the last few weeks he’s definitely been paying me more attention. we make eye contact a lot and he frequently checks in on me with a little joke or convo starter. as soon as i walk in, he asks where i am and he seems to always want me around. i’ll never forget how i was walking by and he was helping one of my nurses and i asked her if she needed any more help and she said “no” and he said “yes” at the same time LOL. one day last week, we were in the stockroom together and had a fun little exchange. i used to think it meant something when a guy told you personal things about himself that he doesn’t tell anyone else. but now i know that’s all BS. we both just like the attention given by the other, it’s harmless and fun. i just need to remember to keep my emotions in check and not get too bratty when he’s around. in a few months, i’ll be gone to my new life in school and this will all be another memory. can’t wait tbh.

[heckyeahsurveys]

q’s #232

1.Who was the last person you held hands with?

idk, probs liz

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

somewhere in the middle

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

no one in particular

4. Are you easy to get along with?

idk mate??

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

idek who i like so fuck knows

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

i don’t rly have a type or anything, like there’s nothing in common w/ all the ppl i’ve been/am attracted to so???

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

nah

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

sam but it’s just cos i’ve been thinking about last night n stuff

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

nahh

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

hmm i’m not sure 

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“(don’t tell mum who he is cos I cba w/ it lol) but then i did tell her lol

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

i don’t think i rly have 5 favs atm 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

yeh

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

nah i don’t think so

15. What good thing happened this summer?

loads!! the best was probs pride

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

yeh probs. doubt i’ll ever see him again tho tbh lool

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

yeah there must be

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

idek who that was so fuck knows

19. Do you like bubble baths?

yES i love them 

20. Do you like your neighbors?

noo they’re loud n annoying

21. What are you bad habits?

interrupting, being late, biting my nails, tapping, humming, singing, i guess smoking's a bad habit?, erm drinking past my limits lol??, having to close doors if they’re open??, doing the ‘touch wood’ thing, n there’s probs loads more lol

22. Where would you like to travel?

loads of places

23. Do you have trust issues?

i feel like i do a bit

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

going to sleep

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

just the whole thing tbf

26. What do you do when you wake up?

go back to sleep lol

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

sometimes darker but i’m p happy w/ it tbh

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

jenny, charley, kt, liz, mum

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

nah

30. Do you ever want to get married?

mayb, i’m not too bothered tbh

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yeye

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

mate idk

33. Spell your name with your chin.

elklasw (lol)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

nah i don’t

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

tv, easily, i barely watch it anyways

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yeah most of the ppl i’ve liked lmao

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

“rly good convo this” or smth like that

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

i don’t have a dream girl/guy

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

um,, new look, topshop, h&m, that’s about it tbh

40. What do you want to do after high school?

well i’ve already finished high school n i’m at sixth form, after that i want to go to uni 

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

depends on the situation??

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

i’m miserable, like rly rly upset, or feeling empty

43. Do you smile at strangers?

yeah usually

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

well a trip to outer space would take time, n the bottom of the ocean is terrifying so neither tbh

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

the thought that i have to go to college

46. What are you paranoid about?

idk

47. Have you ever been high?

yep

48. Have you ever been drunk?

yeah

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

I don’t think so

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

sure

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

hmmm,, i wish my arse was a bit better 

53. Favourite makeup brand?

idk i use lots of different brands

54. Favourite store?

boots tbh

55. Favourite blog?

I don’t have 1

56. Favourite colour?

like a rly dark green, dark red, pastel pink or black

57. Favourite food? 

probs cheesy chips TBH

58. Last thing you ate?

pizza 

59. First thing you ate this morning?

cereal

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

nah

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nope

62. Been arrested? For what?

no

63. Ever been in love? 

no

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

cba. i was v intoxicated, she was my girlfriend at the time n we kissed, that’s abt it lol

65. Are you hungry right now?

no i have tummy ache 

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

i don’t have tumblr friends so,,,

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

hm,,, mayb twitter

69. Are you watching tv right now?

nope

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

jenny, charley, kt n liz tbh

71. Craving something? What?

death x

72. What colour are your towels?

allsorts of colours

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

two

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

yeh i have a lion called benjamin lmao

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

idk loads

75. Favourite animal?

i don’t have one tbh

76. What colour is your underwear?

pink

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate!!

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

i used to love this blueberry one from a cafe in portugal so mayb that, or ben & jerrys cookie dough omg

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

grey

80. What colour pants?

blue

81. Favourite tv show?

probs game of thrones

82. Favourite movie?

all the harry potters

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls, i haven’t seen the 2nd one 

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

once again, I haven’t seen 21 jump street so,..

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

idk

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

dory tbh

87. First person you talked to today?

kt i think

88. Last person you talked to today?

mum 

89. Name a person you hate?

myself

90. Name a person you love?

myself 

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

i don’t think so 

92. In a fight with someone?

no

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

mayb 3, i barely wear them tho tbh. i have some peng ones from gap but they’re wayy too big :( I just bought them cos they were on sale lmao

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

fuck knows, quite a few lol

95. Last movie you watched?

twilight

96. Favourite actress?

i don’t have 1 tbh, lee sung kyung is cute bit like i just finished wfkbj so i’m still obsessed w/ everything abt it lol

97. Favourite actor?

on a similar note,, nam joohyuk 

98. Do you tan a lot?

nooo

99. Have any pets?

nope

100. How are you feeling?

idk, i’m not good but i’m not bad either 

101. Do you type fast?

i guess yeh

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

yeh, i don’t believe in regretting things but like i still do lol

103. Can you spell well?

yeye

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yes

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

mhm

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

idk, i don’t think so

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

nope

108. What should you be doing?

nothing 

109. Is something irritating you right now?

nah not rly

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

lol yeh

111. Do you have trust issues?

this was already a q??

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

hahahah jenny, katie, jess, charley n probs other ppl last night lool

113. What was your childhood nickname?

i was called theodore in year 8 after the chipmunk in alvin & the chipmunks??

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

i don’t live in a province/state

115. Do you play the Wii?

no

116. Are you listening to music right now?

yeye

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yeh but i’m a veggie so i can’t eat it lol

118. Do you like Chinese food?

yep

119. Favourite book?

idk, harry potter i guess. i don’t rly read anymore tho 

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

not rly

121. Are you mean?

i can be 

122. Is cheating ever okay?

no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

no

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

nah

125. Do you believe in true love?

idk

126. Are you currently bored?

yes

127. What makes you happy?

being asleep

128. Would you change your name?

probs not

129. What your zodiac sign?

leo

130. Do you like subway?

think it’s overrated tbh

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

i don’t have a best friend of the opposite sex 

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

i swear this was also already a question too

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

dunno

134. Can you count to one million?

well yeh, but why would i?

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

i can’t think of anything tbh

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed!

137. How tall are you?

like 5′2″

138. Curly or Straight hair?

is this asking what i have or what i like?? mines wavy but i wish it was straight tbh

139. Brunette or Blonde?

blonde 

140. Summer or Winter?

summer

141. Night or Day?

night

142. Favourite month?

august tbh, cos it’s my bday, has always been in the summer hols n it’s p warm

143. Are you a vegetarian?

yeye

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk

145. Tea or Coffee?

tea

146. Was today a good day?

was alright, spent most of it at katie’s in bed feeling hungover tbh, n spent the rest in my own bed lol

147. Mars or Snickers?

mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

i don’t have one

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

i’m not sure

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line

“some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word”