#i will never experience as raw of an emotion as some of these reviewers and ykw i can live with that

[vivi-scera]

you could present some of the best prose ever created in literary canon, pages and pages of toil and practiced craft, and it still wouldn't compare to the average fragrance review on fragrantica dot com

[sitp-recs]

3 Tacky shorts to read this week

I ran against time to get this post out before midnight ET but am still a bit late 🥲 I know T won’t mind so here’s my belated gift to my sun and stars, my first and dearest partner in crime @tackytigerfic! T, I have no words to describe how much I appreciate our friendship. It’s been so special to experience this fandom with you in the last few years. I love that we immediately hit off and share one stupid brain cell when it comes to these idiots; it feels like we’ve known each other forever and 24 hours (especially living so far apart) is not enough to talk fic, headcanons, kinks, squicks and all other irl and existencial topics with you. Navigating such a big fandom can be really scary but even when nobody knew me I’d never feel lonely, invisible or like I had to pretend to be someone else, because I had you by my side. Thank you so so much for being my safe harbour, my sicko soulmate, my confidant, my role model and my biggest cheerleader!

As I thought of new ways to celebrate your day I tried to remember which fics I hadn’t written a rec for. I came to realize that I was never able to put my thoughts into words when it comes to my 3 favorite short fics of yours. They got me in such a Drarry fever, a tingling incoherent state of emotional devastation that I immediately put away the idea of doing recs because there was no possible way to translate my raw, ugly and chaotic feels about them. I tend to do this with fics that leave me with the so-called hangover once I’m done; funnily enough, the last time this happened - when I read Lettered’s By the Grace - it was you who helped me get that rec out by reviewing it and cheering me along the way, tysm 🥹 now it’s time to respond in kind and share love for these short gems that I have the privilege to revisit every time I need some comfort food. Lucky me, it turns out my best pal writes the exact brand of tender romance that checks all of my boxes. You are a fantastic friend and such a brilliant, talented writer. I love and admire you, and I’m so proud of everything you’ve achieved. Can’t wait to see what comes next. Happy day T! 💜

👩‍🚀 Far Side + Relic Radiation (M, 1.7k)

Draco goes into space, leaving behind his son Scorpius (who has just started at Hogwarts, at least), and his not-quite-boyfriend Harry Potter. But Harry can't stop loving Draco just because he's approximately 408km up, in constant orbit.

“You’ll kill that plant,” Draco said, and flicked a lazy charm over the pot with his fingers so the spicy smell of the lavender sharpened the night air.

“You’ll kill me,” Harry said, and Draco turned his face towards the darkened sky, lunar pale, his profile some stupid unearthly thing—a flaring blazar, a supernova—in the light from the kitchen window.

When I say the heart kick factor may hit you in the solar plexus when you least expect, this is what I’m talking about. I’ve obsessed so much over these 2 tiny shorts with single dad!Draco (one of the tropes Tacky does magic with, they are so disgustingly romantic and emotionally satisfying - gimme T’s dad!Draco anthology or give me nothing!!!) that I came up with a whole theory to prove these stories are actually connected. Whether I’m on the right track or just another delusional reader it’s yet to be seen 🤣 Draco’s devotion to baby Scorpius - and Harry’s gentle yearning for the both of them - does things to my poor heart I can’t quite put into words. Let that boy have his found family happy ending, damn it. Every time I reread these gems I get teared up and wish I could stay in this verse forever, watching Scorp grow while these two lovely men find each other time and again. To make your heart melt a bit more, check the breathtaking artwork by the one and only @ihopeyoubothstaysafefromharm. I cannot— *cries in Drarry*

🏜️ Between the Power Lines (M, 3k)

For Harry Potter, all roads eventually lead to Draco Malfoy.

In New Orleans, they got drunk on Bourbon Street, and Malfoy danced on his own (arms bare, laughing; Harry could have watched him all night) and later on, so late it was almost morning, they let themselves into the St Louis Cemetery—Malfoy unpicking the lock so sweetly—and walked around until the sky was pink-edged with the promise of another day’s heat. Then they sat on the steps of a crypt, watched over by sightless eyes of the statue of an angel. She looked exhausted rather than sad, Harry thought, and that made a lot of sense when he thought about his own longstanding, dull-edged grief.

The best word to describe this (literally) hot fic is “atmospheric”. T does a flawless job building impeccable Americana vibes and packing so much story while keeping it 100% character-driven. I love the elegant, contained, confident writing, I love the evocative prose and how the mutual attraction bleeds through these quiet but intense road trip vignettes. The scenario is rich and immersive, the heat so palpable you can almost taste it, and the confession at the end is my definition of peak romance. A whole sensorial experience, both introspective and exciting, vibrant and melancholy, packed within 3k. Absolutely genius.

🎯Aim For My Heart (M, 3.4k)

Harry's in love, Ron's in control, and Draco just wants a nice lunch. They say three's a crowd, but Harry doesn't always agree. Not when he gets to be in the middle, anyway.

Neither of them had asked Harry what he likes best about them, but Harry watches them and feels the sick curl of excitement low in his belly, like something lost and gained all at once, and he wonders what he’d say if they did ask; would it be mouth or hands or arse, the gleam of clean hair or the hidden scent of a freshly-revealed patch of skin, blue eyes or grey? He doesn’t think he’d tell them what he really loves the most, and that’s the fact that both of them have been his for such a long time, in one way or another, and he loves that he gets to keep them.

For reference, this will always be the Dronarry classic I refer to when I think about this ship. The way Tacky explored the implications and complications of a triad relationship in its early stages (I am so fucking weak for that mix of want, jealousy and vulnerability) combined with exquisite characterization is so well executed I could cry. Beyond that banger of a starting line (“Big hands,” Draco says, and blushes) that made me blush and squeal in delight, Harry’s POV is a triumph. He’s genuinely lovely and relatable in all his yearning and insecurities, soft and longing for both Draco and Ron. The ideia of him realizing that he gets to be loved by, and keep the two people he loves the most in the world, makes my heart burst with warmth. I can pinpoint all the small, quiet but meaningful moments that made my breath stutter and my heart beat faster. This fic is a masterclass in elaborating complex and conflicting emotions, while solving them with a light hand of tenderness and understanding. It is subtle but efficient and all-encompassing in a way that stays with you for a long time after you’ve finished reading. The perfect triad fic.

[liskantope]

My brief, vague, scattered review of Almost Nowhere

Welp, I finished it, all 1079 pages of it. (Really 1077 pages with the first and last essentially acting as a front and back cover.) As the book is of an unwieldy length and I don't have much time or brainpower at the moment, this post is going to comment on just some aspects of it. Also, as I never managed to gain anything close to mastery of exactly how the plot worked, most of this is going to be vague and avoid discussions of the plot events, character decisions or traits, or anything that specific really. I think a couple of people wrote spoilery reviews; I don't feel very capable of this (nor of giving a very good description of the novel to someone else at a level of concreteness that they would reasonable expect.)

So, I would say no concrete spoilers to follow, and only a couple of quite vague ones.

I noted this in other posts written while I was in the midst of the novel, but I have to say it again because it's one of the most pertinent parts of my experience reading this: Almost Nowhere is the most cerebral fiction-writing I've ever read (with the possible exception of the few chapters of Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality that I've read), on just about every level including narrative style, plot mechanics, and the ideas and themes explored -- there are even occasional fictional-scientific lectures inserted from time to time (which I found quite enjoyable actually)! More generally, the writing just screams of sheer IQ points both on the part of the author and on the part of the expected audience, in the use of a dazzling vocabulary as much as the elaborate plot and fictional-scientific situations one has to keep track of the characters being in. (It's interesting to note, though, that the cast of characters is actually quite modest, perhaps the fewest I've ever seen for a novel of this size: the complexity of the plot doesn't arise from a complexity of relationships among characters but from a distorted timeline and an array of alternate-reality situations.)

For this reason, I can't help but continue to compare this work to what I've read of Eliezer Yudkowsky, who similarly exudes sheer IQ and writes with an unabashedly cerebral style. Rob (the author, Tumblr-user Nostalgebraist) may not care much for the comparison, since as far as I know he doesn't align himself with Yudkowsky's rationalist movement or consider himself particularly in sympathy with Yudkowsky's worldview. But, while I have very little experience with Yudkowsky's fiction-writing (the main thing I've read of his is the Sequences), my impression is that their fiction is extremely different, that Yudkowsky's fiction comes across as just a transparent "mouthpiece" for his rationalist views and ideas, and that Yudkowsky has far less talent for fictional narrative. HPMoR (or what I've read of it) gives me an interesting plot and characters and makes me think about rationalist-y ideas in a direct, easy-to-follow way. Truly emotional non-cerebralness is actually pretty frequent in HPMoR but conveyed in a way I recall finding rather awkward. Almost Nowhere, on the other hand, took me on a vast, sweeping journey, where an even greater proportion of the scenes carry a colder, more dispassionately intellectual ambience, where moments of raw emotional intimacy are rather few and far between but are far better written when they do occur.

I think this is ultimately why I stuck with Almost Nowhere despite struggling to follow many aspects of the plot (while I lost too much motivation only a dozen or so chapters into HPMoR): I felt like I was being taken somewhere and was able to enjoy where it was taking me. The whole novel felt like a slightly surreal dream and an escape to a far vaster space than the one I inhabit in real life. Perhaps the feeling of being in a dream enabled my brain not to particularly care about precisely following the intricacies of the plot, as tends to be one's brain state in dreams. Of course, I shouldn't leave this as an implied "excuse" for not doing a good job of following: among the main reasons were intellectual fatigue from the general nature and business of the rest of my life, being a bit too rushed to get through the novel so that I can move to the rest of my reading list, general mental laziness, and, well, a dash of general mental ineptitude I suppose.

Specifically, what I struggled throughout to follow was some of the timeline shenanigans and that paths carved out within them by various individual characters, as well as recalling characters' experiences and motives at different times, and just generally keeping track of the scifi mechanics. I also had a tendency to glaze over some of dense dialogs that were more... I hate to keep using the word cerebral but don't know how else to characterize them... or that were more technical or jargon-filled or sounding like computer coding. Regarding the scifi mechanics, I did enjoy the occasional lengthy "lessons" delivered by characters and mostly followed their teachings but had a tendency to forget many of the finer (but still important) points later on -- for instance, Sylvie's big fictionally-written-lesson chapter at the end was really fun reading and I followed the interesting ideas going on but (even though it was near the end) did have trouble remembering everything in it pretty shortly afterwards.

The fictional-scientific mechanics themselves made for a very interesting elaborate thought experiment, and for the most part they made a lot of sense, as in, some hypothetical universe could work under these mechanics. I'm not sure that keeping vague links between different paths among alternate realities in the form of dreams or nostalgium doesn't seem like a bit of a cheat, but I'd have to think over it more deeply before deciding that, and I liked how it played in the story. I was a bit taken aback near the beginning about the role of Maryam Mirzakhani's fictional-scientific discoveries since as far as I knew Mirzakhani never worked on such things, but I much later realized that the earlier parts of the novel were written when she was still alive and young and potentially able to make discoveries of that nature in the then-future (for those who don't know, she tragically died in the late 2010's at age 40, partway through the writing of Almost Nowhere and shortly after becoming the first woman to get the Fields Medal).

As I've mentioned, the cast of distinguishable characters is very modest for such a huge novel. The characterization of each is on the subtle side, and to some extent I don't think I ever truly got to understand the deepest layers of Grant and Cordelia because I didn't put in the right amount of effort. I expect the only two which are memorable enough to stick with me for years when I look back on reading this are Azad and Sylvie. Azad was a pleasure to read and I had to enjoy the scenes where he was present or narrating -- interestingly he has one major Bad Moment around the middle of the novel in which he behaves in a certain way that earns him a ton of criticism at the time, and then after all the fuss is made it all seems to sort of get forgotten about. I don't know what I'm really supposed to think of him ultimately, but I'll miss his beautifully intellectual soul. Sylvie's scenes, in contrast, are a bit grating to read, but I suspect they're supposed to be. In a way, I know even less how I should feel about him than about Azad: his deepest biases and motives frequently seemed to exist in an occasionally-clashing tension. The bleak cacophony surrounding him is punctuated with sharp humor that I appreciate: he's a bit of dark vortex but he's also such a good boy.

The idea that we eventually get to see the characters get together and write the book that we are now reading doesn't seem original to this work of fiction, but I can't think precisely where I've seen it anywhere else, and it was fun. Rob's ability, as shown (to a milder extent) in The Northern Caves to be able to speak and write in very distinct character voices is impressive and maximally showcased here.

The novel, as Rob pointed out in one of his posts about it, comes with three distinct parts, the second of which distinguishes itself by having chapters numbered in Arabic numerals with chapter titles and is built of scenes with an entirely different flow. This second part was easily my favorite to read and felt more like surreal and placidly dreamlike escapism than any other area of the book. I don't know if anyone else has made comparisons between the fictional-novel-within-the-fiction-novel The Northern Caves (Rob's novel called The Northern Caves is the only other of his that I've read -- and liked a lot -- and its plot revolves around a bizarrely opaque thousand-plus-page novel of the same title), but I couldn't help being reminded of my conception of the fictional novel TNC throughout Almost Nowhere (also a thousand-plus-paged rather difficult novel, with surreal aspects to the narrative and layer upon layer of meaning, even if it doesn't devolve into apparent nonsense partway through). And I made this connection the most during Part 2 of Almost Nowhere, recalling that the fictional novel TNC is explained to have a sort of middle "lucid section" made of vignettes which mostly consist of coherent dialog but in which the characters have different relationships than they did at the outset (i.e. in TNC the two main characters who were siblings now appear to be married). I felt sort of drawn toward experiencing the journey that TNC would take me along, particularly the middle lucid section part just consisting of little dialog scenes, and I felt like in a way I got some version of that through Part 2 of Almost Nowhere.

(This is the most spoilery I'll get:) The final chapter of the novel ends on the point of view of the character who I had forgotten (but soon realized) was the one the very first chapter began on. It felt only fitting to go back to the first part of the first chapter and skim it, to close the loop (so to speak). I was almost never actually emotionally moved by Almost Nowhere exactly, but with the ending-looped-back-to-the-beginning it came close.

I remember when the novel was first finished this past summer, Nostalgebraist made a post discussing the finished product a bit, and I ran into one or two effortposts by other people discussing how they felt about the plot and characters. I didn't want to spoil them at the time, and I didn't want to look for them just after finishing before I wrote my own thing (this post), but I'd like to find them now and would appreciate anyone pointing me to them (I can probably find the Nostalgebraist posts easily enough).

Anyway, it's impressive work Rob, congrats on finishing such a hefty project, and thanks for giving me a unique fiction-reading experience I'll never forget!

[literary-illuminati]

Book Review 33 - Solaris by Stanislaw Lem

This was the third work of really classic sci I read in June, and the second that’s probably more famous as the raw material for an adaptation than as a book in its own right. Though in fairness the Tarkovsky movie is as far as I’m aware a better adaptation of this than Shadows of Chernobyl is of Roadside Picnic. Anyway, all to say that I think I’m starting to get used to the sort of abruptness and lack of narration regarding the protagonist’s emotions that seem to have been common in sci fi from the 60s-70s.

Solaris takes places on an eponymous alien world, almost entirely covered in a vast and strange ocean-like body with only half a Europe’s worth of rocky islands scattered across its surface. The story follows Kriss, a scientist, as he arrives for a posting on the skeleton crew living in a station floating above the ocean and studying it. As he arrives, he learns that the only member of the crew he personally knew had died the day before, and that the only two residents are acting paranoid and erratic; this all starts making sense when something that seems to all appearances to be his dead ex-girlfriend appears and starts talking to him, and he learns that the other two have doppelgangers of their own bothering them. Things spiral from there.

So, I’m not sure if this is a cosmic horror story, exactly, but it’s not not one either. The overriding theme is the limits of human rationality and understanding, the total impossibility of what we’d recognize as communication with something truly alien, the feeling of smallness and insignificance in the face of vast and strange and awe-inspiring. The first chapter of the book includes an intellectual history of the Solarists, going over decades of study and all the discarded theories and failed experiments that have made the posting such a dead end as the bright lights of science moved on to more promising problems. The ocean is Other, beyond human comprehension, and even at the end of the book none of the characters have come any closer to determining whether the phantoms it conjured out of their memories is an attempt to reach out and communicate, an experiment to see how they react, a reward or punishment, a purely reflexive response by something that isn’t even really properly conscious, or something else entirely.

I honestly don’t rightly know just what sort of science fiction a Polish guy in 1961 might have been writing in conversation with, but from my perspective there were definitely a few passages that seemed to be taking shots at what most space opera treats as aliens. ‘We have no need of other worlds. We need mirrors.’ and all that. But again, that could very easily be me projecting – easy enough to read it as commenting on a dozen other things.

It was interesting that Rheya was the only doppelganger we ever meet – the story’s quite claustrophobic, and the other two scientists go quite out of their way to make sure Kriss absolutely never sees whose haunting them. Interesting, too, that Kriss is the only one whose actually got anything to be guilty about with regard to his – or, at least, according to Snow the other two were the subject of intrusive thoughts or unbecoming fantasies, whereas Rheya did in fact kill herself a couple days after the two have them had a particularly cruel argument and ugly breakup.

It’s not what the book was about, but I’m honestly kind of sad we didn’t get more insight into Rheya’s psychology? A simulacrum that knows she’s a simulacrum, created by by some unknowable agency for some purely instrumental purpose, not even in her own right but entirely to prod someone else with, unable to spend too long out of sight of him without some control mechanism sending her into a panic attack. There’s some real meat to dig into there, right? Just think of all the juicy existential angst.

My library’s copy of this is the old Kilmartin-Cox translation, which I’ve since regrettably learned is considered pretty rough and low-quality relative to the newer editions. Still, even given that, I kind of adored a decent amount of the prose in this? Or the descriptions of the alien environments, to be specific – the lengthy descriptions of the constructs thrown up by the ocean and how the appearance of the station shifted so dramatically with the rising and setting of each of the system’s two suns were just legitimately beautiful, and make me extremely eager to watch one of the movie adaptations when I can conscript some friends for it.

[waitmyturtles]

I did something very bad last night, very bad!

Please forgive me. I’m not watching Midnight Museum. But I caught the previews for episode 6, and saw that it had Nanon and View in it, and I was like....

... can I get away with just peeping that episode, to see how they are together?

And then I saw Tu’s BTS photos of HER episode, the previous one.

And I thought to myself: maybe I should be a little bad.

So I did it, I watched episodes 5 and 6 last night, and I go into this without ANY prior knowledge of this show, except seeing some of the fabulous reviews, as always, by the family (which I’ll review more in depth later today). But anyway, what follows is an UTTERLY RIDICULOUS liveblog of what I watched, and if you like this show, I urge you to NOT READ MY DUMB RAMBLINGS! There’s no analysis! It’s just reactions, very silly ones.

Honestly, this looks like a totally interesting show, but I really don’t do knives and blood and murders and ghosts and curses and scary Christian frameworks (?!) -- I like trauma of the emotional kind, ha. Anyway, I’m saving y’all by putting up a break and keeping you safe from this dumpster fire! <3

Episode 5: 

- LOVE the fashion from the START, WOW. Fah and Tu are such 10s - DON’T EAT THE SOUP, GURL, DON’T EAT THE SOUP! WTF, don’t eat that soup! YOU KNOW NOT TO EAT THAT SOUP - Yes, soup tastes good when it’s salty, look how much salt you put in that soup - Dudes, doing it right outside Bee’s DOOR? ::throws grandma hands:: - TRIPHOP?! - Cute bar! - The sets and the lighting are a little outta control, tbh - This show isn’t actually set in any kind of reality, right? These auction prices.... - Was that a... raw fish eye you put in your mouth? - WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, CHEEK MEAT?!?!?! - This is not an efficient way to harvest salt - WHAT THE FUCK AGAIN, TU?! - So this show is about... salt and Christianity? - Oh, oh, sorry, kk, salt is an episode theme, got it!

Episode 6:

- So Nanon is Adam? - I love what Namtan is wearing in the opening credits - GUN IS SO CUTE - Flower...Shop of Horrors? - I love how Dome’s like, wtf, I don’t know anything about anything -- this is like that episode of South Park where Cartman went to the future to speed up time for that video game release, and he was just like, wtf to everyone around him - Is this just the DaVinci Code?! With ghosts and shit? - Is the priest in the confessional Dome? The Holy Trinity, they’re the same person, etc. etc.? - Omg, photo boaaaarrrddddsssss..... right, Khatha’s in love, right? - Omg, Sani from The Eclipse, HI! - Foei is so good in everything (I’m not getting over the name TRIPHOP, though) - Okay, Nanon and View are GREAT TOGETHER, WOW, this experiment was worth it (besides this and 55:15 Never Too Late, I wonder what else they were in together) - Damn, $3 billion for this piece of shit anklet, huh - Does Khatha carry a scepter? - Oh, no no no no no no no no no Nanonenstein, no no no no noooooo no, leave her alone - NOOOOOOO, don’t do it dude, no, donnnn’t - But that swat was such a View-character-thing-to-do, tho - NOOOOOO GUYSSSSSS WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY - HOLY WHAT THE HELL CHAINSAW?!?!??!?!?!?!?! - Okay, this is why I’m not watching this show lol - Okay, View with a chainsaw is something - OMFG NO NANON - All of this for feet?! - That was a VERY unfortunate commentary on sex work - LEAVE DOME ALONE, y’all! Ton and Anne, SHOO! - View, when did your outfit get so cute - ENOUGH WITH THE KNIVES NANON - Oh, WE’RE WORRIED ABOUT FIT NOW, TON? The cadaver drip check’s not working anymore?! - Oh god, there might be an interesting correlation between Christian themes and “completion,” don’t let me go there - Nice, dropping the scepter shit, Khatha - Jokes on a deathbed?! Khatha and Dome are being set up for each other, cute - The special effects are VERY much wanting in this show - Okay, that was a tiny bit heartbreaking, poor Ton - Now what, Dome, wake tf up!

That was a ride! I’m going back to just reading the reviews! Maybe I’ll check back in once Khatha and Dome are coupled up! ::escorts myself outta here::

[pengugay]

i have literally no idea how to start this off its been like how many hours since i woke up and hastily reblogged and liked the initial post because i was too sleepy to parse shit but ONANISM. PEAK. THAT IS ALL. (not really. im going to start yelling screaming pissing shitting my pants you are quite literally god having taken shelter under the protection of a skilled human carcass)

THE HINTS OF SMALL BITS LETTING US IN ON THE FAINT IN BETWEENS. THE DIALOGUE. THE UTTER DEPRAVITY WHICH SWUNG AT ME LIKE A DUMBBELL AFOREMENTIONED ON A SIGN WHICH I FORGOT TO READ BUT ENDED UP ENJOYING ANYWAY DUE TO THE GRACE AND DELICACY IN WHICH IT WAS HANDLED

no joke, your work is inspiring and very much within my lane. although my vision was still under a fuzzy filter due to me having just woken up at the time of reading, i can still remember how beautifully morbid everything is from beginning to end. the way you interpret both beel and hades in onanism is so!!! fascinating, and quite refreshing as well as imo it provides a highlight on some more 'unsavoury' aspects of hades' personality while also not making him look like an outright edgy bad boy character as is often done in other modern romantic portrayals of him in media. BEELZEBUB. BEELZEBUB, oh curse his poor tortured soul, i FELT every emotion he was feeling for the entire duration of the strip and i myself have never fucked or even thought about fucking a corpse but for the entirety of it all i was just like 'damn,,, he just like me fr,,,,'

your art and storytelling oozes pure, raw, visceral emotion so powerful it doesnt just provide the shoes for the reader to put themselves in, it shoves the reader into them; making us feel the experience. each word was so eloquent befitting two very powerful deities but also casual(?) enough to make it seem as if we're in the car while all this shit goes down (which i imagine would be a twice as harrowing experience if that were the case 🗿)

ignoring how i just said the same thing twice but differently but IN CONCLUSION: I LOVE ONANISM!!!!! I LOVE BEELZEBUB!!!!!!! I LOVE HADES!!!!!!!!! I LOVE BEELHADES!!!!!!!! AND I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!! AND I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING DAY/NIGHT AND I LOVE YOUR WORK!!!!!!! KEEP GOING BUT ALSO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!!!!!! 💖💖💖💖💖

Weweweeewrwewe i came back home and your inbox surprised me. I read every words thoroughly and for a moment i was moved so tyvm again (ᗒᗩᗕ) !!

Ty for reading and enjoying it hehe (≧◡≦), it was my first attempt to create something long and your review gives me the strength and confidence to keep creating more bubuhade stuff that i left undone in the back of my mind (hehe menacingly)

(randomly passes this painting commission i bought bcs you love them sm ( ◜‿◝ )♡)

[orlafilmblog]

Final Year Project - Yay Cinema!

Happy New Year! Welcome to our last first week! I spent the festive period doing a lot of thinking about films, specifically Saint Catherines, and also watching a lot of films. I am feeling officially inspired and excited about making our films this semester and I am really looking forward to hitting the ground running. It is a really lovely feeling to be honest. This time last year I was at my peak “I don’t think I want to make films” spiral, and it feels like a very full circle moment to now be this hyped about cinema! 😊

We had our first big group meeting yesterday (15/01) which I thought went well and was a nice way too start the semester as a cohesive unit. The discussion had a light structure, but we jumped about a lot as everyone has a lot of thoughts and questions, which was great! I talked mainly about my reflections from the test shoot and my aims going forward:

Reflections

What went well?

- we worked really well together despite challenges such as rain and changing actors halfway through the shoot.

- the final result of the test shoot achieved a basic goal of allowing us to learn how we work together and we produced a fine film

- I am pleased with how I worked with the actors

What could be better?

- need a more solid production/post production schedule

- I need and want to work closer with camera before shooting and on set

- I need to solidify the focus on Phoebe

- I need to solidify the style of filming

Some Brief Thoughts on Aim and Tone Going Forward

The aim of this film, for me, is to portray a realistic and raw experience of the complicated experiences of sexual assault.

As well as this, I want the audience to be able to feel what the characters are feeling, specifically Phoebe. I want the holiday they are on to feel like a memory everyone has, I want the characters to feel like real people that the audience know. For this film to have the emotional impact we want to achieve, it needs to feel authentic. There is definitely room for us to explore nostalgia and memory and how these can link to hurt and trauma. I’d like to focus on how my directing can highlight these aspects of the film. An example I thought of was Aftersun (a film student favourite). When I first watched it, I felt an aching sense of nostalgia in every scene. To quote my Letterboxd review, “Paul Mescal isn’t my dad and I have never been to Turkey, but I am in this film.” I felt like the experiences in Aftersun, from the feel of the tablecloth at the restaurant to the noises of the video camera, were experiences I had lived. This allowed me to connect with the characters and their environment even though it was a story I had not lived. Basically, the small details created a big connection. I want to work closely with Aimee on the production design to see how we can do this, along with every department.

Confirmation of POV

I want to quickly talk about and confirm the point of view of the film. I think I have rambled on a lot about the idea of this ‘5th friend’ who represents the audience member, which I think confused some people, and to be honest, it also confuses the emotion of the film. I’m not throwing the whole thing out the window, just redefining what I mean by it.

The film is from an observer’s point of view. However, this is an observer of Phoebe. Whilst being part of this larger group, we are focused in on what Phoebe is feeling, seeing, and experiencing. I think this maximises the emotional impact of the film and ensures the audience understands who to care for the most. I don’t want to risk the film having an ambivalent stance on sexual assault. This was something that became clear in the test shoot. We use a lot of shots of Harry, and that is because we had better coverage of him, and because I liked his reactions and performance. However, this muddles the intention of the film. We should always be focused on Phoebe’s reactions. Yes we can cut away to Harry at times, but Phoebe should dominate the screentime.

An example of this is in Priscilla which I watched over the holidays. There is never any doubt that the film is about her story, despite Elvis Presley being a character. This is achieved by always focusing on her actions and reactions, like in a dinner party scene when the camera never leaves Priscilla’s face, despite all the noise and events happening around her. We just get a sense of her emotion in the scene, the other stuff doesn’t matter.

How To Have Sex

Another film I watched over Christmas was the astonishing How to Have Sex. This film is an essential watch for everyone, but especially the crew of Saint Catherines. Peer and Katie have also seen it already, but I have given out my Mubi account for the rest of the team to watch it. There are so many aspects of this film that we can use as inspiration. It simultaneously inspired me and broke me. One small detail I liked about the film (among many) was one way tension was built. During some of the scenes post-assault, the shots ever-so-slowly push in. This was barely noticeable, however created a very effective sense of dread. It is definitely something Katie and I will be experimenting with! I won’t go on about the film, but I do strongly encourage everyone to watch it.

Next Steps…

There is a lot to do!!!!!!!! I am co-producing the project with Jack, which I am comfortable with and glad of as I do enjoy producing (perhaps I am just a control freak). I have created a wonderful colour-coded spreadsheet that details our meeting plans for each HoD. I aim to host a group meeting fortnightly, and to see each HoD individually at the very least fortnightly, but will be meeting with Katie and Jack weekly. We have set u our Instagram and an email, but are yet to post anything. We are planning to do a location recce at the end of January, and to do a crew photo shoot asap, along with casting calls. The wheels are turning!

As I mentioned at the start of this post, I am very excited to work hard on this film. Also terrified about finishing uni very very soon. But that’s a problem for later. Right now, it’s just cinema! <3

[battyaboutbooksreviews]

🦇 Persephone Made Me Do It Book Review 🦇

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐

⚠️ Trigger Warnings: Abuse, Death, Rape, Sexual Assault, Toxic Relationships, Abduction/Kindapping, Grief, Trauma, Death

❝ The end of every survival story: I wasn't ready to become what I had to become. ❞

❓ #QOTD Who is your favorite goddess? OR fill in the blanks: I am ___, goddess of ___. ❓ ❝ I was a princess until I was old enough to be a bitch. ❞

🦇 In her latest poetry collection, Trista Mateer blends together mythology, tarot, poetry, and conversation to reveal a new side of a very old story. Alternating between the perspectives of a poet and a goddess, Persephone’s lore is explored, related to modern issues, and ultimately reclaimed. Her poetry is a reminder that every woman is a series of poetic corrections. Even with flowers in her hair, a goddess like Persephone can be out for blood. This is the third book in Mateer's Myth and Magick series.

💜 As always, Trista Mateer coveys the perfect balance of love and heartache. Her writing opens old wounds and spills shared experiences of motherhood, girlhood, survival, and self-affirmation. Each poem is emotional and raw, matched with striking illustrations (many of which are designed as modernized, collage-like tarot cards). Mateer pulls inspiration from familiar Greek myths, thereby infusing her personal experiences with magic and power. These pieces are a reminder that women--fictional figures in beloved Greek myths and the real women in our everyday lives--survive and endure so much, but never go down without a fight.

🦇 These poems are brutally honest and empowering, but they're not for everyone. Of the three in this series, I believe this one is the most difficult to swallow. Though some of the themes are universal, many readers might struggle to identify with some of the poetry's harsher themes. The collages, while attention-grabbing, are often hit-or-miss. While some enhance Mateer's poetry, others distract from the central themes.

🦇 Recommended to fans of Nikita Gill's Great Goddesses and Rupi Kaur's The Sun and Her Flowers.

✨ The Vibes ✨ 🌿 Feminist Verse 🌻 Mythology References 🌸 Part of a Series 🌷 Real and Raw 🌼 Art and Collages

🦇 Major thanks to the author @tristamateer and publisher @centavebooks for providing an ARC of this book via Netgalley. 🥰 This does not affect my opinion regarding the book.

[stephmendii]

blog post #5: a review for a movie entitled 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower '. posted by: Stephanie Clarisse G. Mendizabal

“ I feel Infinite”

The Perks of Being a Wallflower takes me on a journey through the delicate tapestry of adolescence, weaving together heartache, triumph, and the relentless pursuit of self-discovery. This remarkable coming-of-age tale invites us into a world where raw emotions permeate the screen, captivating our senses and tugging at our heartstrings. Prepare to be enthralled as you witness the profound power of human connection unfold before your eyes. Stephen Chbosky's novel, upon which the film is based, fearlessly explores the teenage penchant for pretentiousness. Often compared to Catcher in the Rye, it delves deep into the struggle of comprehending the inexplicable hardships that befall both us and those we hold dear. Through a series of letters penned by the introspective protagonist, Charlie, we are taken on a poignant journey through his freshman year of high school—an odyssey filled with both pain and moments of sheer joy. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" has etched itself as my ultimate comfort movie, transcending the boundaries of time and leaving an indelible mark on my heart. It has garnered praise from critics, while some snarky reviews, seemingly penned by jaded adults, fail to capture its true essence. For me, this film has become an oasis of solace, reminding me of the importance of being a compassionate friend to those around me, as we never truly know the battles, they face every day. What sets this film apart is its masterful cinematography and its ability to evoke a spectrum of emotions within the audience. It centers around Charlie, a high school freshman who sees himself as perpetually on the outside looking in, until he is embraced by a group of older, non-conformist friends. We witness his journey of self-discovery unfold through his own introspective lens, as he navigates the challenges of high school while carrying the weight of a recent traumatic event. Charlie's character, brought to life brilliantly by Logan Lerman, resonates with me on a profound level. As a self-professed wallflower, I too have experienced the insecurities and self-doubt that come with observing life from the sidelines.

Through his friendships with Sam and Patrick, expertly portrayed by Emma Watson and Ezra Miller, Charlie learns the importance of staying true to oneself, even in the face of societal expectations. Their camaraderie leads to unforgettable adventures and shared moments of love, heartbreak, and self-discovery. As I found myself driving through that tunnel alongside them, listening to the music and feeling infinite, I couldn't help but reflect on the power of embracing our unique qualities and realizing that it's okay to be different. "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" sheds light on the intricacies of knowing oneself amidst the backdrop of high school, where everyone assumes they know who you are. It holds a special place in my heart, as it beautifully captures the essence of the adolescent journey. Through Charlie's eyes, we witness the challenges, the friendships, and the growth that comes with embracing our vulnerabilities. In a world filled with coming-of-age films, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" stands out as a sincere, heartfelt masterpiece. The film's supporting cast, including Paul Rudd, Joan Cusack, Mae Whitman, and Johnny Simmons, add depth to the story, enriching the tapestry of teenage experiences. It tackles themes of mental health, identity, and the complexities of young love with an authenticity that resonates deeply.

One of my favorite scenes in "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" is when Charlie utters the words, "I feel infinite." This particular scene takes place in a tunnel while Charlie, Patrick, and Sam are driving together. As they enter the tunnel, they turn on the radio, and David Bowie's song "Heroes" starts playing. Although the characters are unfamiliar with the song, Sam expresses her love for it, and they crank up the volume. Sam then stands in the back of the truck, opening her arms and pretending to fly, fully embracing the moment. It is in this moment that Charlie says, "I feel infinite." To me, this scene beautifully captures the idea that for a brief period, you can forget about everything else and simply be happy. The lyrics of Bowie's "Heroes" also reflect this sentiment, emphasizing the possibility of being heroes even if it's just for a day. During the one minute and fifty seconds of this tunnel scene, I felt the power and freedom of being a teenager. I had a better understanding that it's more than okay to be different—it's all about your attitude. In those fleeting moments, Chbosky and Bowie made me, like Charlie, feel infinite. The phrase "I feel infinite" holds profound meaning in the film, representing a moment of liberation, self-discovery, and connection. Charlie experiences a sense of freedom and joy as he embraces the present moment with his friends. It symbolizes a break from past constraints and a glimpse into the boundless possibilities of life. Furthermore, it highlights the power of genuine connections and the impact they can have on our lives. The scene where Charlie utters "I feel infinite" in "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" captures a profound moment of liberation, transcendence, and connection. It encapsulates the characters' experiences and serves as a reminder of the transformative power of genuine connections and living in the present. In conclusion, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" is an extraordinary exploration of adolescence, offering poignant insights into the challenges and triumphs of growing up. It transcends clichés and delves into the hearts of its characters, reminding us of the profound impact of genuine connections, self-discovery, and the courage to be ourselves. Through its powerful storytelling and authentic performances, this film will leave an everlasting imprint on your soul, reigniting memories of your own teenage years and reaffirming the beauty of being human.

[brigitahills]

NT LIVE: Fleabag Encore, 2023

10/10

Yesterday, on the 17th of June, at 6 pm, my mum and I went to go watch a screening of Pheobe Waller-Bridge’s Fleabag; the popcorn I ate was cheddar cheese flavoured, making me feel worthy of my British citizenship, which I accompanied with a black americano as I had been clubbing the night before and was running off of 2 hours of precious sleep. Like many people, I watched the TV show Fleabag religiously, again and again, in times of discomfort for support and also times of boredom for some top-quality content leading me to develop a deep love for this woman, both Waller-Bridge as a writer and performer and Fleabag as a character as she expresses what many spend their whole lives trying to conceal, exploring shame and hidden emotions in a way that people had been yearning for yet never wanted to take a step towards themselves. 

It feels wrong being a 19-year-old with next to no writing experience reviewing and ranting about my opinions on works done by incredibly talented professionals. Yet, still, we all have to start somewhere, so here we go…

Waller-Bridge’s one-woman performance was nothing short of incredible; as a gen z kid whose attention span grows shorter by the second day, I was worried that sitting there for an hour and a half watching one woman speak with a chair as her only prop would begin to bore me yet as the play started and progressed I found myself so entranced by her over-exaggerated facial expressions and ability to create a whole new scene and character by the tone of voice and incredible impressions of types of people that we all face in our lives such as a man she meets on the tube who is given the nickname of ‘rodent’ which is in reference to his tiny mouth yet also speaks of his sleazy behaviour of bad yet overly confident flirting and demanding of more and more nude photos from Fleabag herself. 

The success of Fleabag can be credited to the raw nature of the one-woman show. Fleabag talks to us, the audience, directly and informally, like we're having a gossip with our friends, having a debrief of the past year of our lives. As much as I love the TV adaptation of Fleabag, the live performance hit my emotions so much harder and deeper because of the intimacy of the performance, not having someone hiding how they truly feel about themselves and those around them, although is desired by most of us we hardly ever get to experience it. Waller-Bridge creates a level of relatability that is unmatched in the entertainment world. Fleabag is here to show and express emotions that were usually too scared or intimidated to talk about, it's so simple, yet the way that Waller-bridge has written and performed this story captivates whoever lays their eyes on it can't help but fall in love with the storytelling as it makes you feel free, understood and seen. 

Overall, I wish I could have written a more well-balanced piece and included some flaws, but I have found none; I love Pheobe Waller-Bridge, I love Fleabag, and I genuinely feel lucky to have been able to watch the show, even if it was a recording, at The Arts Picturehouse Cambridge and not the actual live performance at the National Theatre itself if you ever have the chance to see this one-woman show you should really go for it, it's nowhere near a waste of time and money.

[brettdeadly]

Something about Left to Suffer tapping in with us to review some of their Trap Metal collabs got me feeling like I'm on the right track and I'm doing a good job. Cuz this is my favorite f*cking band right now so you can imagine the goosebumps I got when these submissions came in.The first review I'm dropping is on Artificial Anatomy off their latest record titled Feral. This track features Kim Dracula, a rising star/trap metal artist out of Australia for those of you who don't know. Community IG Post:https://www.instagram.com/p/Cso7WmnSYfl/Review: https://www.trapmetal.net/.../left-to-suffer-features.../

Review:

Left to Suffer Features Hobart’s Kim Dracula on Artificial Anatomy off their Latest Record “Feral”

Im so excited to review “Artificial Anatomy” from the album Feral by Left To Suffer, featuring the captivating vocals of Kim Dracula. Im a fan of both Left To Suffer AND Kim Dracula so I was particularly excited to see this submission! From the very first few guitar chugs, wasting no time leading into the drop, “Artificial Anatomy” captivates listeners with eerie melodies and intricate rhythms. Left To Suffer’s masterful musicianship shines brightly, creating a captivating morbid landscape that immerses the audience in a world of raw emotions and unyielding energy. Each instrument weaves together seamlessly, creating a rich and dynamic experience that perfectly complements the powerful vocals provided by Both Taylor Barber and Kim Dracula.

Kim Dracula’s vocals are nothing short of exceptional, adding a layer of intensity and Trap Metal spice to this already captivating track. With each lyric, he leaves an memorable mark in the listeners mind, evoking awe as listeners process Kim Dracula’s hyper-sinister rap verse / feature.

Taylor’s vocal delivery is unrelenting on this whole record, not just this song. Only rivaled by the depth of his own penmanship. And some of the lyrical themes he breaks into really strike a chord with me in regards to my own feelings on the subject of vengeance.

“Artificial Anatomy” delves into thought-provoking themes that resonate deeply with the right audience. The poignant lyrics explore the complexities of abuse and standing up for yourself. Left To Suffer’s ability to craft such profound lyrics that strike a chord with the people who need to hear it most, not only showcases their artistry but also creates a connection with listeners on a deep and meaningful level. The band’s vulnerability adds as strong sense of purpose to the music, making “Artificial Anatomy” an emotionally charged masterpiece and Left To Suffer one of the greatest bands on the front line of the underground.

The sheer intensity and aggression in not just “Artificial Anatomy” but a lot of their songs are unparalleled. Left To Suffer delivers a never ending onslaught of heavy breakdowns, blistering guitar riffs, thunderous drumming, and experimental frequencies that ignites a fire within me every time I tune in. The energy emanating from this track is infectious, leaving no choice but to surrender to its commanding presence and undeniable energy.  It is this unrelenting force that sets Left To Suffer apart and makes “Artificial Anatomy” a force to be reckoned with in the Trap Metal world.

“Artificial Anatomy” by Left To Suffer featuring Kim Dracula is a tour de force in the realm of heavy alternative music. Left To Suffer’s ability to seamlessly blend musicality, emotional depth, and technical excellence sets them apart from their peers in metal. I give this song a rating of 10/10 “Artificial Anatomy,” out now on all platforms.

[newmusickarl]

Top 50 Albums of 2022

5. angel in realtime. by Gang of Youths

One of the personal highlights of this year has been getting to write reviews and features for Gigwise. Since joining the team in January, I've been introduced to some great new artists and projects throughout the year that may well have slipped my radar otherwise. Back in February in one of my first reviews for the publication, I was introduced to an Australian indie rock outfit on their third album who had somehow escaped me till then.

The more I researched for the review and delved into the story behind the album, the more I became intrigued by it. Then when I eventually hit play on the record itself, I was simply blown away with what I heard – that album was angel in realtime by Gang of Youths, one of my Top 5 Albums of 2022.

Although angel in realtime is ultimately a personal story centred on frontman David Le’aupepe’s late father, the themes and emotions that course through the record are those with which anyone can relate. Not only does angel in realtime succeed in being a poignant and emotional tribute to Le’aupepe’s own family heritage, but it also delivers a richly composed, beautifully orchestrated indie rock record that flourishes in its examination of the complete human experience. Here's what I said in my review back in February:

“In the five years since their highly-acclaimed sophomore album Go Farther In Lightness, there’s been a lot of change for Australian alt-rock group Gang of Youths. In late 2019 founding member Joji Malani left the band, before being replaced shortly after by multi-instrumentalist (and Noah and The Whale alumnus) Tom Hobden. More importantly though: in 2018, frontman Dave Le’aupepe lost his father, whose life and legacy serves as the primary inspiration for their sensational new album, angel in realtime.

Sonically it is dazzling, with Gang of Youths remaining a rock band at their core but bringing in elements of classical, dance and folk music, helping this collection of songs to really soar. There are also more than a few nods to Le’aupepe’s heritage found within the eclectic sounds on display too, with contributions from Pasifika and Māori vocalists, as well as samples of composer David Fanshawe’s recordings of indigenous music from the Polynesian Islands and wider South Pacific region.

All of this is evident almost immediately too, as 'You In Everything' is a spellbinding, hugely orchestral opener where Le’aupepe intricately describes the final moments with his father. It is the perfect scene-setter, with widescreen instrumentation as Le’aupepe goes through each sense on the heartbreaking refrain of “I will (need/see/hear/feel) you in everything.” It’s an emotional hook that pulls you into the record, with 'In the Wake of Your Leave' continuing the story, as backing harmonies are provided courtesy of the Auckland Gospel Choir and percussion by several drummers from the Cook Islands. Lead single 'Angel of 8th Ave.' is then where you can really start to hear Tom Hobden’s influence coming into the fold—a hugely anthemic love song set in London, buoyed by strings, synths and a big singalong refrain of “there’s heaven in you now.”

Oddly, despite the wealth of instrumental splendour, it is probably the album’s most stripped-back song that offers the finest moment. Le’aupepe never knew the full extent of his father’s life and ancestry until after he had passed away, which is where he also learned he had two older half-brothers. After tracking them down and meeting them for the first time, he wrote 'Brothers', a raw piano ballad that pays tribute to his father’s legacy whilst outlining the highs and lows of the relationships he has with his siblings. It is exquisitely written and makes for a devastatingly stunning piece of songwriting.

For Dave Le’aupepe and Gang of Youths, the goal for this new record was clear: “I hope the record stands as a monument to the man my father was and remains long after I’m gone myself. He deserved it.” Whilst time will tell whether they have ultimately met their target, one thing for now is certain—this is a beautiful and moving tribute that extends beyond Le’aupepe’s own experiences and allows the listener to connect with the human stories they find at the heart. With gorgeous writing, an emotional resonance, as well as magnificent, diverse compositions throughout, you can’t help but get completely swept away.”

Best tracks: brothers, the angel of 8th ave., in the wake of your leave

Read my full review for Gigwise here

Listen here

[books-galore-1]

All The Bright Places - Jennifer Niven

✭✭✭/5

**WARNING: mentions of depression and detailed references to my experiences** In hindsight I should not have read this book at all, it was not for me. However, if I was not where I was at the time of reading this, it would have wormed its way to my top 10 books. It was emotional and raw and I, unfortunately, could relate for the most part, which is why I should not have read it. I loved the journey it took me on, the way the characters were written made me feel for them, made me love them, made me root for them and had me falling apart when it ended. Let me just say this would be the perfect book for me if I was not incredibly depressed and going through one of my worst depressive episodes when I read it. Normally, I wouldn't have read a book covering this topic because I knew better than to put myself on that path, but I did it anyways because I wanted to hurt. It was a way of inflicting pain onto myself, a way of proving I was still able to feel anything at all because of my ability to relate to the story. So, although I adored how it was written, how it made me feel so much, I read to escape and this just had me drowning. Which, to be honest, is a testament to Niven's writing and her talent, I wasn't feeling anything and then I was feeling everything. It helped me a little bit, put me on a path to start seeing a therapist and getting the help I needed and the acknowledgement I desperately wanted. But I have never been good at knowing when to stop, I would read this in my classes, getting heavily triggered while I was meant to be learning the content for some of the most important exams of my life. I would go to the bathroom and just wallow in my intense feelings for what felt like hours but was probably only a few minutes. it kickstarted my journey to recovery and for that I am so grateful. this novel is brilliant and if I was anyone else it would be an immediate five star review.

[kithtaehyung]

**edited to say, I mocked the overstimulator getting his zzzzzzs, and then the overstimulatee (me) followed soon thereafter, hence you actually receiving this in the morning, whoops!**

Preamble: Former HLJ (Hubs like Joon) anon back with a review (of sorts?) I figured I'd finally be able to get it to you by stupid o'clock (late late... bc Saturday is our weekly, much-beloved, kid-free date night), however *someone* decided that overstimulating his teeny-tiny wife was the name of the game tonight; consequently, he's found himself in need of a nap by 9PM, giving me writing time! 

Firstly, has anyone noted the wild parallels between lyrics in The Astronaut and 3tan?

When I’m with you

There is no one else

I get heaven to myself

When I’m with you

There is no one else

I feel this way I’ve never felt

Is this not OC and 3tan Yoongi? Bowing down to your portrayal of Great Love (capitals necessary). 

You writing (artistry?) paints truth in relationships, of feelings, chosen families, raw edges, communication, friendship, self-talk, and even insecurities. Oof. I don't know if these come from recounting your true-to-life experiences; otherwise, you are markedly gifted at describing the human condition. The Great Love kind of love? It isn't easy, linear, or perfect. Great Love is hard-fought, it's personal growth from both parties, and even when it feels like two-against-the-world, it's still safe. And, yes, Great Love makes you strain yourself to look back at him, mid-spice because that eye contact is worth a thousand words (indeed, it will replay in your mind for the thousand days that follow...maybe more). It's his delicate concern for her bruises, and her acknowledgement/empathy for what he must have been feeling this whole time. My hope (and maybe because I'm also a mom to a young daughter), is that your readers understand, through 3tan, that while Great Love *looks* different for everyone, it ultimately reaches parts of your heart that didn't, previously, seem to exist. Rooting for them, Ryen, and trusting these two to you, entirely. Bravo. 💜 ~HLJ unnie. 

AHHH oh my gosh.. my love. this was incredibly thoughtful and heartfelt. i truly feel all the sentiments you wanted to convey and holy hell i don't know what to do with these feelings??

when i listened to the astronaut.. and saw the lyrics.. it was a whole burst of emotions bc i literally had just gotten off the Forfeit ride. what timing and how fitting is this? and even the space themes laced into the 3tan9 fabric, too. i was just a little overwhelmed with everything hitting me all at once.

i've never seen my writing like how you describe it. like. whenever i read this the first time, i kinda just sat back in my chair and really thought about everything i've been doing with this series. in short: this is more than a piece of fiction.

like i knew that, realized that at some point this year (well, kinda with the first one after i got messages about it from people with similar experiences to reader before they knocked on yoongi's door) but it is def hitting me now that i'm resting. this isn't just words on a page or something i'm sharing. it's a love letter, it's a promise, it's advice, it's.. a reminder. a reminder that everyone is worthy of love, that they aren't their past, that they can change and grow and better themselves even if they feel like damaged goods.

love is out there and we all are deserving of it, whether it's Great, or platonic, familial, or even Self. it's found in the way we send something to someone because we thought of them, or the way we keep eye contact during sex because we want to feel connected every which way possible, or even just telling someone to be careful or to text you when they make it back safe.

My hope (and maybe because I'm also a mom to a young daughter), is that your readers understand, through 3tan, that while Great Love *looks* different for everyone, it ultimately reaches parts of your heart that didn't, previously, seem to exist.

that's my hope, too. you described everything i've been wanting to convey with this series perfectly, and i can't thank you enough for taking the time to send this review bc it's gonna stick in my heart for a very, very long time.

[thesophiades]

[Review] A Single Ouroboros Scale

A Single Ouroboros Scale, by Bez

I talk a lot about my own bleeding disorder (hemophilia) and its associated injuries below. If you think that might make you uncomfortable, I’d suggest not reading this post. Only text follows, there are no videos/audio/visuals etc.

It’s a tricky thing, speaking about semi-autobiographical works, as I never want to offend or strike a raw nerve unwittingly- especially if it pertains to a topic that I don’t feel as if I can relate to. It’s easier to sit with someone’s grief if you feel like you have a connection, your own source of experiences to fall back on while discussing their creation. It’s part of why I was able to write some thoughts about Let’s Talk Alex, as I have experience with leaving an abusive relationship- and not Sting, as I’m fortunate enough that I’ve never had a brush with death outside of my own near-death experiences.

Still, I figured I’d try. I’m disabled, and have grappled with the feeling of having my illness take away from me relentlessly: not only my general quality of life (it can be excruciating to have joint bleeding: the blood stretches the capsule to its limit, displacing the bones- causing severe, accumulative arthritic damage: as if it weren’t a slap to the face enough to have your joints set ablaze from the heat and tear wrenching pain of the spontaneous bleeding itself) but also my means of creative expression- whether it be from literally losing the ability to hold a pencil and having to slowly relearn how to draw/paint and radically changing my entire process and art style to accommodate, or being in a fog from being in so much pain my brain is mush and writing is out of the question.

It’s hard. It’s devastating. Unless you’ve experienced that loss of not only yourself, but also your means of interacting with the world through self expression- it’s hard, I guess, to explain the terror of losing months at a time to the endless sea of pain. Of not wanting to be defined by only your capacity to endure, but struggling to be a person when you’re barely clawing onto existing. You aren’t as sharp when you’re sobbing and trying to desperately unbend your knees because they’ve locked up into place from internal bleeding. So while I may not be able to relate on the particulars of cognition Bez mentions here- I’ll be approaching this from the perspective of a creative who has had their sense of self and work threatened by major illness.

This game made me sad. That sounds like a rather childish way to express how I felt- but I really struggled to find any dressed up metaphor or simile that rung as true as just… sad. My experiences with my genetic disorder are not ones I’d wish on anyone- and it’s always sad to see when someone else has experienced similar difficulties. The inevitability permeating the piece- the deletion impending no matter how you choose, the lack of real, meaningful change you can make in their fictional community: it reminds me so much of the way walls seem to close in with depression, or long term illness- how no matter what you do, it feels as if it doesn’t matter, because things are awful and out of your control.

I wrote a metastudy paper this semester for one of my courses- on the impact of stress on depression, and while knowing about the typical globalization of negative thought patterns associated with the illness is comforting in an abstract way: knowing the answer behind something doesn’t change the emotional processing part of things, I guess.

I know what it’s like to be so hopelessly down a hole that you can’t see a way out. How the world keeps rushing on without you- the fear and sorrow at being left behind, of being forgotten. That is such a hard thing to handle, let alone with grace. I try to strive for strength and grace in my own troubles, but I fall short of the mark so often- I am so thankful for my loved ones and medical team, and their perpetual patience.

I was a little puzzled by the poems included in the bottom links, but I did listen to one of them, and sat for a little bit to let it sink it. I can see how it ties into the piece- the question of immortality, stars going out, a universe rushing endlessly forwards, but I missed them at first blush since I don’t believe there was any mention to poetry in the actual game. I did bookmark the site though, it’s always nice to find new ways to engage with, and pull others into engaging with, poetry.

This is a complicated little piece- not because of any technowizardry that was impenetrable to me, but because I feel as if I’m at a loss for how to really express how I felt, besides sorrow. I hope too, that one day Bez is able to look back at this game and be able to have a bit of a chuckle at a past self- that the situation won’t be as dire or harrowing in the future. I can’t promise that it will be. I can hope, but I also hope that Bez is able to make it through things OK, no matter how things shake out.

[alostlittleriverlotus]

Learning Not To Drown

Basically it's the title of one of the books I've been reading lately and it's pretty heavy. I'll be honest, it honestly does trigger my trauma.

Anyway, I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head due to it. I got to, I suppose, what can be considered the climax. It's intense and pretty hard to take it which is fitting considering it's difficult for the main character, Clare, to take in.

All I know is I hate her mother, oh my god, I hate parents that act like that SO much. Also partly like my own, haha.

Either way, Learning Not To Drown by Anna Shinoda is so damn good. It's an emotional read and can definitely be triggering, but I certainly, thoroughly enjoy it.

I was searching through a local second hand shop, their special cash from trade-ins in my purse. I was looking for the perfect books that would interest me, ones that I knew would be good for my trauma. I found The Dangerous Art of Blending In and was looking for the second one. Then I found this one, for a very cheap price (considering the other stuff I had, I ended up only having to pay a few cents for all of it!) It was the first book I read, my dyslexic ass thought it said "Learning To Drown" lolol. I was already drawn in and read through a good few chapters on the first day.

I mostly look for fantasy or YA books that'll trigger my trauma to read. I've found a lot of different books and I'm reading plenty of them. Learning Not To Drown was definitely an easier read due to the shorter chapters so that probably contributed to why it's much farther along than my other books. The other one I'm really addicted to reading because it's easy is Symptoms of Being Human by Jeff Garvin which genuinely feels like the author just fucking wrote me. That's actually the book that inspired me to make this blog. Their therapist had recommended it so they sign up for Bloglr in the book and start posting. That is the exact reason I made this blog myself lol. But it's about Riley, a genderfluid teen that is not out, as they hope for a new chance at this school they transferred to.

What I like the most is that, a reviewer of the book had pointed this out, their assigned gender is NEVER mentioned or revealed. I really like that because it's very true it doesn't matter. I envision they're afab because I'm afab (more relatable for me :p and my experiences), but that's such a nice thing to see their assigned gender never ever mentioned. Sometimes it genuinely feels like this character is just reading out my thoughts and feelings. I really love it so far.

Back to the original topic, I'm nearly done with the book and I just had to get my love for it out there because oh my god I am in love with this book. It feels so raw and real especially with the abuse shown within the book,

If it had trigger/content warnings, I would say: Abuse especially emotional/verbal, physical assault, sexual assault, trauma/PTSD flashbacks, in depth descriptions for things like nightmares and such (I can find them relatable due to my own experiences so thought I'd throw this one in), and discussions around a family member that has been to prison (a lot of issues around the rumours and reputation in a smaller town that comes from it.) Oh and there are slight self harm/suicide mentions in the book.

Trigger warnings/Content warnings for Symptoms of Being Human (with what I have read), I would say: Some dysfunction/abuse mentions, transphobia and homophobia, use of slurs, racism, general bigotry, descriptions of anxiety attacks (I'm hyperempathetic and just reading or seeing what people feel can trigger it in me, that's why I mention it), dysphoria experiences/descriptions, small mentions of suicide.

Again, I'm not super far into Symptoms of Being Human. Checking my book, I'm on chapter 16 which is about between 1/3 and 1/2 of the way done so there still could be more triggering content in later chapters.

I do recommend both these books and they're good reads. I dunno who might enjoy them, but I know that I did :)

Anyway, I got my thoughts out and I'm gonna go back to reading and being emotional lol :p see ya later, dudes!